#she has a human heart

[tloubraininfection]

I`ve discovered recently that I have a violent heart and since I’m also nothing if not petty I did a thing. In honor of this great revelation I went episode by episode scouring for each and every act of violence Ellie commits hoping to find evidence, that I clearly must have missed, of that famous violent heart that makes her so similar to a murderous cannibal p*dofile and here are my finds:

Also please bare in mind that some of these are a little farfetched, I really tried to be fair and thorough. I also divided them into categories to better illustrate my point:

Self-defense: Episode 1: Ellie attacks Joel with the knife Ellie attacks the guard with the knife Episode 7: Ellie attacks Riley thinking she`s an intruder Ellie kills the stalker with the knife

Episode 8: everything that happens in this episode is self-defense period

Joel-defense (or other people-defense): Episode 4: Ellie shoots Bryan

Episode 5: Ellie kills two clickers with the knife

Episode 6: Ellie shoots at those cannibal dudes at the university

Ambiguous: Episode 6: Ellie threatens the older couple with a gun and is technically sort of robbing them? I mean, it’s not exactly violent, but there is a gun and some tough guy posturing so I guess? And it was technically not exactly 100% necessary.

Episode 7: She smashes some cabinets in the Halloween Store out of anger and fear. I see is as valid, but I guess it can be viewed as violent

Concerning: Episode 3: Ellie cuts into an infected and then stubs him with the knife

Episode 7: Ellie beats the leaving daylights out of Bethany and puts her in the infirmary. I think its important to note it was provoked, but yes it was still excessive and very violent.

Out of all 12 instances 8 are in either self or Joel defense, 2 are bordering on something, but not quite there and only 2 can be really qualified as excessively violent and disconcerting. 2 in the span of 8 episodes covering some few months of the story. And those 2 are also the only 2 instances when she is shown having no regret, there is also no negative aftermath etc. All the others seem to weigh heavily on her.

So where exactly is this violent-hearted person? The person we are supposed to love, but also fear? Yeah, its yet another brilliant quote from the podcast:

“David says something to her that absolutely true because he sees it in her because he knows it's in him, he says, ‘you have a violent heart,’ and that is something Neil and I talked about quite a bit because it’s not in the game, that line. As much as we love her, we also have to be a little scared of her.”

They are talking about a 14-year-old stuck in a literal cage, 14-year old who is about to go through the most harrowing experience a 14-year old could possibly endure. This is the face of that violent person you are supposed to fear:

She’s just a little girl and she`s barely standing. She`s just left the gates of hell where she`s narrowly avoided r*pe and murder. She looks like she`s about to fall apart and she actually does seconds later. The moment she knows she`s safe in her fathers arms, shes gone. And it’s going to take her a long to come back from it, I can guarantee you. She’s a traumatized, exhausted child in need of comfort, support and care. She makes me want to save her, help her, wrap her in a blanket and make her a tea. I’m not scared of her, I sob for her, I rage for her and everything she had to go through.

And here`s a thing, if you want your character to have that edge, to be more morally grey, to have that penchant for violence-bordering-on-sadism – more power to you. But you have to commit to it, you have to actually SHOW me exactly that. Show me that character being disturbingly violent, show them enjoying it, show them unhinged. If you present me with a terrified, traumatized feral baby kitten on screen, but then you go on you precious podcast and talk about how "well actually" she’s a violent-hearted monster I should fear you just sound like those televangelists brainwashing people into thinking exactly what you want them to think. And I for one refuse to be gaslit again.

At this point I feel the creators want to have that cake and eat it to. They want fun, goofy, sweet Ellie from the first game, because that’s the character everyone fell in love with, but they are also super desperate to do some build up for the second game. Because contrary to all that Neil says the second game is not a natural progression of the first. It’s a complete departure from it. And those two Ellies are not the same character. And the changes in the show only prove that.

Lastly I feel this portrayal of what trauma and what it does to a person is not only untrue, it’s also damaging to all those who went through similar ordeal and lived to tell the tale. Only to learn that actually, they have a violent heart, or that it unlocked something in them, or that they are the same as their abuser, because they used force to defend themselves.

Why does it have to be all of nothing? Why can’t Ellie be violent when the situation calls for it without it becoming the central part of her character? Why can’t it be about what it actually is? Trauma, fight or flight responses, survival, PTSD?  Why does she have to be a violent person and not just a person, s human reacting to the would around her? Violence as self-preservation, unavoidable part of this awful world, not an evil manifestation of her true self. And what are they even trying to say here? That some people are born more violent? That only those violent ones are going to react a certain way? How she reacts to danger and trauma is not an Ellie things it’s a human thing. And if Ellie has a violent heart we all do, but then, what does that even mean?

[silusvesuius]

baby👶 drawings. these are very dear to me rn.. 2nd pic is my Nelavis with @barvin0k's Varonur 🩵 last one is a baby bosmer and snow elf, hairiest of them all. although the bosmer was meant to be my girl Barletta too lols

[untitledgoosegay]

re last reblog I do see fanfic culture pushing/replicating a certain model of "what trauma looks like," "how trauma works"

this is a problem across all areas of society obviously, but transformative works are, well, transformative. they're about crafting and modifying narratives where the fan-creator sees a flaw or a lack -- often for the better! don't get me wrong, I've done my fair share of "I take a hammer and I fix the canon," it's the main thing that gets my creative gears spinning -- but what happens when that "flaw" is simply a narrative not conforming to popular expectations?

some people just don't get PTSD from events that sound obviously traumatic. they're not masking, and they're not coping; they just straight-up didn't get the permanently-locked stress-response that defines PTSD. they walk away from a horrible experience going "well, that sucked, but it's over now." some people do get PTSD from events most people wouldn't find traumatic. we don't really know why some people get PTSD and others don't. but fandom has an idea of events that must be traumatizing, of a "correct" way to portray trauma. you see the problems with this lack of understanding in e.g. fans pressuring the devs of Baldur's Gate 3 to add dialogue where the player character badgers Halsin about his own feelings on his abuse -- because he must be traumatized, and his trauma must fit a certain mold and presentation of sexual trauma, under the mistaken impression that anything outside that narrow window is somehow "wrong" and disrespectful or even harmful to survivors.

take, for another example, the very common trope of a traumatized character who hates touch or sex "learning" to like touch or sex as a part of their healing process. certainly that can be healing for some people; other people will never like, or want, touch or sex, because of trauma or because they just don't. the assumption that someone who doesn't want sex or doesn't like to be touched must be traumatized, must be suffering from this perceived lack, is seriously harmful -- to asexual people, to people with sensory issues around touch, and to people for whom healing from trauma means freedom to refuse sex or touch.

and there's a secondary trope, one that's slightly more thoughtful but ultimately repeats the problem -- that once someone has learned that their boundaries will be respected, they'll feel it's safe to soften those boundaries. once they feel safe refusing touch or sex, they'll feel comfortable allowing it on their own terms. but many people don't, and many people won't! many people will simply never want to be touched, and never want sex, and they are not suffering or broken or lacking because of it. the idea that proving you'll respect someone's boundaries entitles you to test those boundaries -- the paradox is obvious, and yet this is something i've seen hurt (re-traumatize) people i care for.

people are imperfect victims. people don't heal in the ways you expect. many people have positive memories of their abuse, of their abusers. many people hurt others in the course of their trauma, in ways that can't easily be unpacked in a 5k oneshot. very few narratives of trauma and recovery actually fit the ones put forward by popular children's media and romance novels -- which are the ones I most see replicated in fandom spaces, because they provide the clearest narrative and easiest catharsis, and so they're easy and soothing to reach for.

that's not necessarily a bad thing! i am not immune to goopy romance tropes. i am not immune to teary catharsis. not every fic has to grapple with ugly realities. but there's a problem when these narratives become predominant, when people think they're accurate and realistic depictions of trauma, when the truth of trauma is unpleasant and uncomfortable, and doesn't fit any single narrative, let alone one of comforting catharsis

[aardvaark]

the long way down job is such an important turning point in eliot & parker’s relationship bc they’d both been viewing the things they have in common as fairly negative: they’ve both been told that they’re cold and ruthless and dangerous and they know those things are true. so when they’ve recognised themselves in each other, it’s been a sense of "the thing that’s wrong with me is a lot like the thing that’s wrong with you". and there’s comfort in that, in a way. but now eliot gets parker to see that maybe those aren’t all negative traits, they’re just… traits. neutral. it doesn’t make them bad or good, it makes them who they are. and now when they see themselves reflected in each other, it’s not a reminder that they’re wrong and bad - it’s kinship, it’s familiarity, it’s belonging.

[bluerosefox]

Supersons vs Ghost Gal (It started with Grandma's Kent Cookies)

Jon huffs as he tosses himself on his bed.

He didn't do it! He really didn't! At least not this time and yet he's in trouble for 'lying'!!!

Sure he liked to sneak pieces of whatever his grandmother would bake for dessert for the night, heck sometimes she sneakily let him, but he swears this time he didn't do it! And if he did he wouldn't had taken so many cookies! He may not be the sharpest but even he knew better than to take so many from the tray!

And yet no one believed him! His mom was so disappointed he wasn't 'owning up' to it that she banned dessert for him for like three days! He's totally innocent!

He frowned and began to wonder if it was Conner but remembered he was off world doing a reunion of YJ in space for the last few days.

But still someone had taken those cookies. And it wasn't him! Or grandpa, or his dad, he knew it wasn't his mom and his grandma loved feeding people over eating it for herself, it was her love language! And-

Jon's eyes widened and shot up when he realized something

Someone stole his grandma's cookies... without alerting him, the one with super-hearing!

And...

And no one believed he dint steal them or realized this either.

Oh... he... he needed help. And he knew just who might be able to help him.

-×-×-

FarmBoi2.0: Damian! I need your help!!!!!!ndjekeormekzndiekdkdprjwnaofnfl

TheHeir is typing....

-×-×-

Meanwhile, hidden not to far from the Kent's farm, hiding in a old tree house that had been built for a young Clark Kent, a girl roughly around Jon's age with white hair and glowing green eyes happily munched away on the cookies she had managed to snag for the night.

'I'll write a sorry note tomorrow. They smelt so freaking good and I haven't had chocolate chip cookies in ages' she thought as she stuffed another in her mouth.

[supermarine-silvally]

People rightfully talk about how devastating romantic solavellan is, but I think platonic solavellan can also be extremely devastating.

Like, my main Inquisitor was a Dalish rogue. She had no experience of magic, or the Fade, or anything like that before accidentally stumbling into the whole Corypheus ritual thing. Solas saved her life. He was by her side when she was confused and scared and trying to figure out what the hell had happened to her while all these humans were accusing her of a terrible crime she didn't commit. He helped her learn how to use the mark to seal the rifts; helped her understand what her new abilities were and that they were needed. When the humans began to call her the herald of a divine figure she didn't worship, Solas was the one person she could turn to when it all started to get a bit much (my Inquisitor was very much a Life of Brian-esque "I'm not the Herald of Andraste!" type). The conversation they have in the snow after everyone gathers together to sing "The Dawn Will Come" is such an important moment. Two elves, in the midst of a struggle fundamentally elven but that human beliefs had managed to co-opt.

Solas was her mentor. Her friend. Someone who opened her eyes to the vastness of the world; who complicated things she thought she understood. And she listened to him with an open mind and heart in turn. She was living proof that his unpleasant encounters with the Dalish were not universal. She had accepted her mortality, her lack of magic, because she knew no other way to be, and it probably broke his heart that he knew that HE was the one who had taken it from her. idk I'm just obsessed with all the dialogue that implies that the Inquisitor, through befriending Solas, changed a lot of his opinions about the modern world (modern elves especially), but that it wasn't enough to make him accept the world as it was in the end

idk man. platonic solavellan. really looking forward to seeing how it all plays out in veilguard.

[stuck-in-jelly]

Obsessed with how Claudia and Soren view magic.

Claudia views magic as something amazing and special, even dark magic despite having to ‘harvest’ from living creatures in order to use it. Because in the end how could something that helps her friends and family be bad? How could something that saved an entire kingdom from starvation be evil?

Soren meanwhile doesn’t care about dark magic vs primal magic. In his eyes Dark magic can be used for immense good just as much as Primal magic can be used for horrific evils. At the end of the day all magic has ever done is divide people and cause years of suffering.

But they are both such hypocrites (affectionate).

Claudia views dark magic as a gift, something to take pride in having. But when she is finally broken down she reflects back she feels disgusted at herself for viewing living creatures as parts. Then when pushed into a dangerous situation she cried out “Don’t make me! Don’t make me do dark magic!”

Soren believes the world would be better without magic at all. Yet he turned to it, he looked his father in his eyes and said “You have your other way! Dark magic.” Not caring that Viren explained the original spell was a primal spell and the new spell would require a terrible sacrifice.

[rad-roche]

warmup doodle of my bg3 character

[khaopybara]

❝Well, you actually didn't have to work on it today. I was just really mad at you, so I gave Uncle Moo that deadline.❞

PIPLOY KANYARAT as BAMHEE BENYAPA and POON MITPAKDEE as PAH PRAMOTE episode 9 of THE TRAINEE

[possamble]

What are your headcanons about Marcille's mom if you have any? It's interesting that what drew Donato to her was cause she lived the history he studied, or that was said somewhere at least. She must've had an interesting life.

so this was going to be just a normal answer but then I realized I have a Lot of Things To Say. so here goes, a compilation of what we know for a fact from the canon, what I've extrapolated from the visual cues and details, and my theories based on all of that.

Things we know for a fact about Marcille's mother because they were explicitly stated in the manga and supplemental materials:

She was a court mage for a Tall-man kingdom at the southern part of the Northern Continent

Donato, a court historian, fell in love with her because she had lived through the history he was studying, and he courted her for 17 years (age 15 to 32) before getting married

She was a cheerful person who rarely showed extreme emotion and took things as they came

She always cooked a huge meal for Marcille on her birthdays

She remarried a gnome after Donato's death and a short distance away from Marcille's childhood home

Pipi, Marcille's pet bird, was actually older than Marcille and originally belonged to her mother (bird died at 62)

She was extremely heartbroken when Donato died and ultimately ended up instilling a deep fear of mortality in Marcille with her words

the only time she showed extreme emotion in front of her family was when Donato could no longer eat his favourite dish near the end of his life.

She scolded Marcille for being cruel to ants (implying she can have a stern side when needed)

Things that are explicitly shown but mostly through visual cues

She has a very distinctive style of dress always involving a ribbon choker (mirroring Marcille's habit of always wearing a matching choker with any of her outfits that don't cover her neck)

She was almost stereotypically good at housekeeping and traditionally "wifely" things (very frequently depicted wearing an apron or doing some domestic chore when not at work, seems to have been an avid cook).

She knits? (also, note the affectionate smile as she's looking at Donato and Marcille reading a book together in the full panel)

She was as excited for Marcille's milestones as Donato was.

She didn't tell Marcille much about elven food

(there are a couple things that this panel in particular implies:

She lived a good deal of her life (if not being born and raised) in a mainly elven country in the West, implied by her knowing enough of an elven region's cuisine to prefer Tall-man food over it

seems to have a pretty carefree and casual demeanour overall, if this is how she replied to Marcille asking her about it (sounds like she never gave her culinary preferences that much thought to begin with)

slightly related to number 2, it seems like she and Marcille had a fairly casual parent-child dynamic (especially in comparison to the Toudens' memory of their father)

(local elf tastes Italian food once and never goes back))

However, she seems a lot more... serious in most of the other times we see her? Almost like the very stereotypical archetype of a graceful elf.

Subsequent conclusions about her personality:

Usually pretty carefree and cheerful at home, has been a loving and attentive parent throughout Marcille's childhood (while not being so doting that she didn't discipline Marcille).

Slightly more conjectural theories on her personality:

Had a much more graceful and professional personality at work, which would explain the more serious portraits we see of her.

Given that both she and Donato had positions at the royal court, it seems a little odd that she'd go out of her way to do all the housework herself, so maybe she just enjoyed doing it?

Now taping all the evidence together and toeing the line between analysis and fanfiction:

It's clear that she loved Donato very much and was utterly devastated by losing him. But there's one thing that really stuck out to me in what little we see of her:

Doesn't she seem... angry? The way she's gritting her teeth, clutching the tablecloth, and how this is the first and only time we see her eyes opened that wide. In the following panel, you see her being quiet and dejected after her initial outburst. She's still crying very intensely, but her brows are furrowed, and she's not really responding to Donato's affection in her body language.

We're not told the details of how she felt about losing Donato other than that it upset her. But this, to me, implies that she was angry and resented that he was aging, that the end of his life was approaching. An "it's not fair" type of preemptive grief. And if this was the first and last time she cried like this in front of her family, she was either very good at coping in private... or very bad at letting herself feel unpleasant emotions until they become unavoidable and end up overwhelming her.

It's not too remarkable a detail on the surface. It's even reminiscent of what the audience has seen of Marcille. But... when it comes to the big picture, you'd think an elf who voluntarily chose to marry a tall-man and have a half-elf child would have been better prepared for this.

It kind of recontextualizes her cheerfulness to me.

"I'm sure everything's gonna be okay!" (or some variation thereof, depending on what translation you have).

And this is stated to contrast her extreme grief when finally confronting Donato's failing body and eventual death. But I'm wondering if... maybe this optimism was why she was so upset. What if she went into all of it thinking "everything's gonna be okay"? What if she was a little young by elven standards, and just followed her heart thinking that her own resilience would get her through anything?

Of course, only to get completely overwhelmed when she actually loses Donato. She turns into a completely different person. And that's heartbreaking on its own-- but what the audience sees is the effect it had on Marcille. Can you imagine being her, watching your invincible and upbeat mother suddenly lose all the light in her eyes in one go?

I've already made a huge post about how I think Marcille models her "work persona" off her mother, but another thing that stuck with me as I was looking for more details in the manga was this:

copy pasting from the other post i made about it lmao it's like... the second she resigns herself to lifelong pain and terror, there's another portrait of her mother facing her like this. with their heads bowed, in mirrored body language of resignation and despair and sorrow. Except it's posed like Marcille is still looking at her mother but her mother is looking away.

It took me a second to realize, but I think that it's a visual metaphor for the fact that Marcille's mother was the only long-lived role model she had-- and she failed to model healthy grief for her daughter. I don't say this as an accusation or to disparage her as a character, but just as a matter of fact. In her, Marcille was seeing herself older and losing a short-lived spouse or loved one of her own, and all she saw was hopelessness.

But her mother didn't mean to instill hopelessness and terror in her. She wasn't really thinking of how it would truly affect Marcille at all (at least, that's how I'm interpreting her looking down and away from Marcille in the metaphor), she was just sad. And she, in her own way, was trying to protect her daughter and help her prepare for future losses.

What she meant was "loss is inevitable, and you have to learn how to be in pain but live on anyway." What Marcille heard was "loss is inevitable, and you will be scared and hurt for the rest of your life."

Again. Marcille's mother doesn't feature explicitly in the story the way her father does -- but in so many ways, her shadow, her silhouette, her reflection is always hanging over Marcille.

All that to say... headcanon-wise (everything from here on is 100% without evidence lmao), I'd like to think that she matured and realized that she failed Marcille. I imagine her being regretful about it, wanting a chance to fix it but never finding a way to insert herself back into Marcille's life when Marcille is so so so busy becoming the most accomplished mage possible. I imagine her being herself again, now, so many years after her loss and after remarrying -- but with her cheerfulness tempered with a lot more wisdom and the pain of having gone through loss like that. I think the second Marcille actually tells her what happened in the dungeon, she'd want to go running to her daughter again -- if Marcille tells her the full truth instead of just being embarrassed she let things get that far. (oh, the tragedy of her wanting to be more like her mother and an accomplished adult who doesn't need to be babied... being embarrassed to actually tell her mother how much she fucked up...)

There's also the tension of her having remarried -- I know that there's at least a little bit of resentment that Marcille harbours about that, because she's childish like that at heart even if she makes an effort not to externalize it. I think that her mother would be aware of that, potentially adding to her sense of guilt and apprehension at trying to reappear/intrude on Marcille's life. I honestly don't think Marcille has met her stepfather -- or even considers him a stepfather rather than "mama's new husband" and kind of a total stranger. I think she and her mother actively don't talk about it in their correspondence, like an elephant in the room.

but, ultimately, I think her mother is on her side no matter what. Ancient magic? Dark necromancy? Sure, she'll feel guilty and like she was partially responsible for setting Marcille down such a painful path, but she wouldn't care. that's her daughter!! she would've moved back west and been petitioning for her at the court, buying a house right next to the Canaries barracks and visiting her every day that she wasn't on a mission. And if her husband had opinions on Marcille becoming a "dark arts user," he either gets over it or it's divorce with him. Yes, she might have had her optimism completely humbled by losing Donato like that -- but she's still headstrong and self-assured and she doesn't care what people think of her. It's her way or the highway and she's always going to be in Marcille's corner.

(She also needs a name lol. I went with Juno, just to be cute about "Marcille"s closest real life equivalent being Marcella, which is the female version of Marcellus, which in turn is a diminutive of Marcus, which was derived from Mars. Absolutely in love with Marcille potentially being named after Ares/Mars the fucking god of war btw)

[undead-moth]

I know I've been on about this for a while now and I'm being a hater but you're telling me SydCarmy was "always meant to be platonic" even though there are two seasons of writing making use of tried-and-true explicitly romantic tropes, themes and writing signals, and SydLuca is going to be romantic because...he was nice to her on screen for a few minutes?

I don't even care if people ship SydLuca, or if they just prefer it, but you can't honestly tell me that you believe Carmy was always meant to be a friend but Luca is an obvious love interest.

Just because Syd and Carmy haven't kissed or confessed their love to each other doesn't mean that isn't very obviously the direction this show is going. The Bear has already shown you who is endgame. It has shown you every episode of the show so far.

Honestly I really don't think The Bear fanbase understands this show or cares about these characters or the story being told here, which is unfortunate because this show is shockingly well-written in comparison to most shows right now, and we should be so grateful for it but all we're doing is complaining that the writers led us on by not making a ship canon fast enough. It's just. Sad.

[leechlets]

rip claudia and daniel, you would have loved gay divorce and breaking the cycle. fly high angels 🙏

[stuckinapril]

One day I’ll go through med school and then I’ll go through residency and then I’ll go through a fellowship and then I’ll be the most crybaby neurosurgeon you could think of. Bursting into tears if I so much as graze ur hypothalamus with my forceps

[nihilismtrcit]

did nora clean or unpack anything today? no. did she write? also no. she did have beer for breakfast, though

[taylorswiftdebut]

people are making fun of a lot of the lyrics on the album (as if other artists don’t have cheesy lines or lines that may not be so poised) but that’s personally one of the things i like about this album is that it’s so honest and real. the things that happen and are said in real life aren’t always put eloquently and anything can be poetry in the end. the point of the tortured poets department is taylor bleeding on a page in all of its mess and cringe and humanity. the point is this shared space she’s created within her life and this experience and a way to quantify it and make sense of it

[scribefindegil]

Obsessed with the POV choice in Imperial Radch as well, both because Leckie does some really wild stuff with how expansive the strict first-person is able to become due to the worldbuilding and who her narrator is, and because it's SO entangled with the central thematic concepts of identity. In the first book flashbacks when the narrator is still a warship, "I" can encompass so many things, and sometimes explicitly refers to different facets in the narration--is "I" Justice of Toren, or One Esk, or a specific segment, or Breq narrating from twenty years in the future? "I" isn't simple, isn't unified, and while this is most literal and obvious with Breq/One Esk/Justice of Toren and Anaander Mianaai's split factions it's true constantly throughout the work at every level of scope. Individual characters struggle with internal conflicts and hit their breaking points--what is it that makes someone decide they have to disobey orders and make a stand or they won't be themself anymore? How do you know who you are if you've been forcibly changed (Tisarwat) or if the world you knew has moved on and become unrecognizable (Seivarden)? How does a character on a colonized world navigate the split identity that comes from the pressure to assimilate to the dominant culture? And then there's the Radch writ large, all the Radchaai so deeply invested in the idea that there is only one true concept of Radchaai society, of civilization, but of course there isn't! It changes based on location and over time, and Breq muses that the Radchaai empire would be largely unrecognizable to the isolated sphere of the Radch itself. In these books, even if you aren't the last remnant of a destroyed spaceship and its legion of bodies, "I" is such a complicated concept and the narrative never lets you forget it.