#she had me convinced for years that i didnt *actually* feel that way i just wanted attention and was faking all of it to be special.

[juniestar]

Oh my god one last thing my ex took me to outside lands and when we tried to watch lana del rey he laid down on the grass and had a “panic attack” (this was after months of him talking about how he didn’t like her) so we went to see foo fighters after a bit and he was FINE

[eitaababe]

PLS write me a headcannon of lo'ak and neteyam reacting to another person trying to court their girl !!

THAT'S MY GIRL !

a/n — u always have the best ideas istg / also i didnt proof read this i got lazy 😭

—

NETEYAM :

- he was pretty confident, if he were to say so himself

- you liked him and he liked you, it was simple really.

- it had been that way for years, and you guys thought your relationship with each other was pretty public, everyone knowing about you two

- clearly, you both were wrong.

- because you had caught the eye of another na'vi, unknowingly

- yorutro, was his name, and at first you truly believed he was just being friendly

- until he started gifting you shells, bracelets, tops, you name it.

- you accepted them, feeling bad, but would never wear them

- and you hadn't told neteyam yet, because you wanted to be sure your suspicions of him were correct

- and of course, the day you decided you were right, neteyam saw yorutro come up to you

- he hid at first, but the moment he saw the way the other male looked at you, he didn't waste time to break the meeting up.

"Hey!" Neteyam shouted, stomping his way over to you two. He tried his best to keep his temper hidden, flashing a flat smile. "What're you two doing here?"

Your eyes widened in shock, yet you were relieved. You glanced back and forth between the boys, giving Neteyam a subtle shrug when he raised an eye at the sight of you two together.

"Oh- um-" Yorutro stammered, alarmed at the sudden intrusion. "Just chatting." He finished, sending an all too nice smile Neteyam's way.

Noticing the boys nervous nature, Neteyam smirked, wrapping his arms around your figure. "Hey man, no worries. I was just looking for my girl."

You internally facepalmed, trying your best not to laugh at how Yorutro practically jumped at the words, scrambling to get out of your guys way. "Oh! That's fine! You can have her! I um- I had something I forgot about anyways. See you guys!"

Eyes following him, Neteyam waited until he was out of earshot to speak. "What a skxawng," he pressed a loving kiss to the top of your head. "Thinking he could steal my girl."

Leaning your head back you smiled up at him, shaking your head. "You know I'm yours, my love."

"And I am yours."

——

LO'AK :

- in everyone's defense, you and lo'ak were pretty much just a couple of best friends

- i mean, minus the kissing and cuddling and all that

- but you had more of a teasing relationship, neither of you were really that lovey dovey with each other out in public

- PDA just wasn't really your guys thing

- so who could blame the other na'vi trying to shoot his shot?

- enlo was a nice guy, really (at least you thought, lo'ak felt otherwise)

- but he definitely wasn't subtle about his intentions with you

- as much as you tried to give hints you didn't feel that way, he kept trying

- you told lo'ak, and while he requested to just tell him straight up to screw off, you felt that was mean, and wanted to let him down easily

- it took some convincing, but lo'ak agreed and you were on your way to meet enlo, lo'ak coming and watching from a close distance (just in case)

"y/n!" enlo called, striding over towards you.

'oh, eywa' you thought to yourself, flashing him a smile. "hi, enlo," you started, glancing around for lo'ak. when you met his eyes he gave you a reassuring smile, encouraging you to go on. "we need to talk."

"yes we do!" he agreed, cutting you off. "i actually had something really important to ask you."

uh oh.

"oh? what is it?" you played along, tail nervously flicking behind you.

"we'll, i've been thinking recently. i really enjoy your company. you're beautiful, and smart, and-"

"enlo," you cut him off, trying to save him from making this worse. "i'm flattered, really, i am. and i think you're a nice guy. but i'm with someone."

his expression hardened, looking down at you. "you're seeing who?"

"she's seeing me, dickhead." lo'ak called out, immediately standing by your side.

enlo looked between the two of you, almost offended. "seriously, you're choosing this five fingered freak over me?"

"hey!" you snapped, about to step up to him when lo'ak put an arm in front of you to stop you.

"don't worry y/n, i got this," he stated with a smug look, walking up to enlo. lo'ak definitely wasn't as tall as him, but he didn't show anything that suggested that bothered him. "so, enlo."

"y'know, having five fingers really has it's perks. you can hold more things, you have a better grip. oh! and you even have an extra finger for this." he smiled, flipping the taller boy off.

you facepalmed, trying not to laugh at your boyfriend's antics.

clearly, enlo didn't find it amusing, and shoved lo'ak harshly out of the way, beginning to walk off. "whatever, man. you can have the bitch."

"oh sorry, i forgot one thing about my hands! i can curl them up into this ball and-" lo'ak didn't even bother to finish his sentence before he landed a punch square to enlo's jaw, then another to his nose.

enlo, taken by surprise, didn't even have time to react while lo'ak took it to his advantage, still throwing punches at him and knocking him off his feet. and while you weren't fond of the words spoken of you, you didn't want lo'ak getting too carried away and getting into more trouble with his dad.

"lo'ak! that's enough." you called, and of course, he listened. he got off of the other male, sending a glare to him while he walked over to you.

enlo got up (barely), and held his nose, groaning in pain. "yeah, run back to y/n! can't even finish a fight." he pathetically spat at lo'ak, making him turn around to finish the fight until you stopped him.

"i got this one," you muttered, making your way back over to enlo. "clearly, he was trying to be nice, but since you're such a dickhead, i'll finish it for him." so you punched him right in the nose, making the boy stumble back in pain, both hands covering his bloody nose.

as you walked back over to lo'ak, he looked at you proudly, wrapping his arm around your shoulders.

"that's my girl."

—

a/n — lo'ak's was longer than intended whoops

[payasita]

Good job getting ADHD medication! I’m so proud of you :D

thanks so so much im very happy and so hopeful for the first time maybe ever but also it TOOK ME LIKE. A YEAR. A YEAR.

like yall for real?? for real. for real i have been diagnosed since i was like six. (funny story my teacher thought i was on the spectrum so my parents get me tested with the nodes and shit and according to mom, who loves this story, my neurologist did all that and talked to me and then just turned to my mom and went "she's not autistic. she just hates the other kids" but they DID find an adhd diagnosis in there so net win for all of us)

diagnosed since i was SIX. on stimulants until i turned 8, and you know why i got off em? my pediatrician retired. we could not find another who would take our low-income insurance. so i just had to rawdog The Rest Of My Fucking Life. diagnosed when i was six. legally neurodivergent for 20 slutty slutty angry years.

and it still took me like. a few months to get a psych appointment. a few weeks to reaffirm my diagnosis as an adult. a few more weeks for another appointment for meds. he doesnt Want to do meds first, because i must have been doing fine without them if its been two decades, right? i got a job and a car and everything. well gee fuckin shittickers Dr. Brain Guy, just WHAT was my alternative? would you prefer i be maladapted to the point of incapacitation; is that what it takes for someone to be considered? i cheated my way through school. every day after work i sit for an hour in my car because i dont have the executive function to stand up and walk the ten steps to my house. garbage just appears around me. i have three empty bags of hot chip and two cans of sprite on my desk as we speak, neither from today. at that point i hadnt had a debit card for six months because that would have required me to Drive To The Bank, a location that was new to me in this area, so i just did everything on credit. is this all normal? is this fine? am i GOOD, actually, Dr. WeirdBrain?

so we cordially agree that yes i should probably be medicated. i want to do a stimulant. he does not want to put me on a stimulant. "stimulants can mess with your heart," he says, "and you're young, you don't want heart problems." i say ok because i dont want to make him think im just looking for narcotics. even though i am. because they WORK. i agree to try some kind of antidepressant.

the antidepressant gives me tachycardia. i go to the emergency room after reading a heartbeat of, oh, 140 bpm, which is about like double what it normally is and juuuust below the You Are Having A Heart Attack threshold. i get to the ER and the doctor there is very obviously convinced i'm a local addict having some sort of episode. it is the most ironic experience i've had all year and i feel an abrupt and all consuming kinship with those birds in australia that will swoop you and peck at your face for seemingly no good reason.

so yeah, we narrow it down to the antidepressant. as it turns out, these particular meds are known to, semi-commonly, Mess With Your Heart. i have my next appointment with my psych and somehow refrain from pecking his eyes out. he puts me on a noreprinephrine inhibitor(iirc) that isnt actually FDA approved to treat ADHD specifically(i DEFINITELY rc) but it IS given to smokers to help them quit. i dont smoke. i may very well fucking start before this whole ordeal is at the point where someone listens to me

it obviously does a combined total of jack and shit, and the man waffles with this one because he has "had success" using it as treatment for other ADHD patients. he ups the dose. twice. three months on the smoker meds, which are also apparently notorious for destroying your appetite, but they didnt even do THAT. no change to the average amount of hot chip on my desk.

he wants to try quelbree after that. i finally tell him i'm tired of this shit and would like to have more than two hours of usable daylight to function before it all falls to uncontrollable youtube shorts binges and a daily experience i like to call The Weighted Nothings and i would very much like to PLEASE. TRY A STIMULANT.

he's been friendly enough with me over these past four or five or whatever months but at this he gets suddenly very very business-baseline. gives me the whole spiel about the north american shortage. gives me a spiel about how i absolutely cannot, under any circumstances, lose or sell this medication, because they will not refill it if i do. i am sitting here wondering if he he's telling the truth about having other ADHD patients at all like ever in his career, and also, am i nuts or should the "don't sell your prescription drugs" bit apply to EVERYTHING? i dont fuckin know man i just live here

he says he wants a urine test first. its scheduled for two weeks out. i take it.

"hey uh, your piss came back with cannabis in it" "well it'd be weirder if it didn't, we are in california and i am a kitchen manager" "you can't have weed if you want adderall" "fine i'll stop" "we'll schedule you another test in a month" "aight bet" it didnt go exactly like that but this is kind of what the vibe between us has devolved into by this point.

anyway i wait a month and get a good grade in piss. i get the meds prescribed. i go to fill out the prescription

all i really need to say to you are the words "prior authorization error" for most of you to get what happened next.

the psych isnt even aware. i wait another month for our next meeting, which was yesterday. i do not yell at him. he tells me to take it up with the pharmacy, and yell at them. i am going to yell at them.

so i go, and guess what, it actually went through a while ago! NO ONE TOLD ME OR DR. FEEL-BAD OVER HERE. but we can't fill it right now because its a controlled substance so come back in a few hours. hey it's ready where the hell are you? TAKE YOUR METH AND GET OUT

anyway i started it today, reorganized my pantry, and fixed the fire alarm in my hallway that's been chirping at me for a week. i no longer have to wear earplugs to bed.

and with my newfound executive function superpowers, i will be spraying my weed-free piss all over Reagan's grave.

[ganondoodle]

actively fighting a full blown panic attack born out of sadness and anger after having to drive by yet another victim on the side of the road

it makes me livid how accepted it is to just let cats suffer and die disgustingly horrid deaths and live awful short lives just so what, for what?? so you dont have to play with them for an hour a day??? when i was little it was just kinda normal that they disappeared at some point, i didnt understand what it actually meant until our outdoor cat i loved dearly was found in the bushes near our house in a condition so horrible my dad has never told me and i have never dared to ask, she only made it to 6 and had horrible scars and infections before that i allowed my family to convince me to let my first own cat outside, we only had her for a year, she died at only 2 years old, i am still suffering from the guilt, it has never let me go, she went missing for a week and i walked the entire vilage up and down every day, yelling her name, wandering into the forest alone, talking to every stranger i met until one morning my mom told me that our neighbour who works for the city asked if we had a white cat with a very specific collar she had- he found her on a busy road crossing in the next bigger city, i never even got to bury her, its haunting me, the thought of her wandering lost and scared in the city for a week until meeting an awful end gives me headaches, the fact that i was the last one to see her alive, that i put her outside bc we were late for school and had to leave quickly, that she had come home with oil in her fur from crawling through maschines and cars before, that i was worried but still didnt act, that it is my fault, any time i am up to late its coming back, it will never let me go, if i had stood my ground and not allow her outside unless on a leash or similar shed still be alive today, any time i read a description at our local shelter it comes back, they still advocate for outside cats, all of them, even if they have only been an indoor one before, its madness my older sister had a cat, i dont even know how old he got but it wasnt long either, he got hit by a car in front of their house, she has two now again and the only reason she hasnt let them outside is because they havent shown much interest in it, i tried to warn her before and she didnt listen and shes still resistent, even after losing one too

i have seen so many on the side of the road, anywhere i drive i see them, i cannot forget a single one, we are surrounded by farm land and all its giant maschinery, its still common to poison rodents, why do people value them so little, you wouldnt let your dog just live outside in the woods and streets for half the day or more, you wouldnt just throw your guniea pigs on the road and tell them have fun, you wouldnt just let your bird roam outside, there probably assholes that do that too but you cannot tell me its as common as outside cats

i dont understand it, i dont, i wont, i never will, i will never forgive myself this poor little animal that was my responsibility having to pay the price of my ignorance, or my own weakness letting my family convince me despite the awful way we lost one before, it makes me want to explode it hurts my brain in grief and anger i can barely contain

cats deserve to live a safe and long life, i get only having them inside may feel like you are locking them up, but do you think that not doing so is worth having them die a painful death? being poisonend? on purpose even by disgusting people that hate them? abused and chased by other animals and dogs? hurt and lost? cutting their lifespan in half? if they even make it that far? the amount of wildlife that they kill unnecessarily so when all of that is already in a steep decline everywhere? and if they eat what they hunt get infected with diseases or again, poison? die somewhere in agony? if cared for they dont care about going outside, plenty can be leash trained or given a secure way to roam like those cat proof aviary like things, if you dont want to put effort into caring for a cat DONT GET ONE, ALL pets require adequate care, and if you think cats are the easiest bc you only have to feed them every now and then IF they come home? you suck, you are an asshole, i hate you and you do not care about them, if you just want to occasionalyl feed and pet an animal go to the petting zoo

(this is about pet cats of people who can absolutely afford to keep them healthily inside, i know feral cats and those in poor neighbourhoods are a thing, even if not here where i live, and thats a whole other but still similar problem and not the point of this post)

[starryletters]

gojo; friends to lovers headcanons!

notes : set in 2006, reader being silly and a bit dense, gojo falls first and you fall just as hard , fluff! suguru and shoko mentioned bc i love their friendgroup🫶

a/n : eep my first (published) piece of writing! im so excited, and i hope people like it!!! this isn't the most polished, but i wanted to start off with something a little more simple ( ◡‿◡ *) anywhoo satoru is the boyfriend ever!

you met him when you joined the jujutsu high second years aka geto shoko and gojo!

and gojo IMMEDIATELY decided to annoy the shit out of you

but like in an endearing way (that's what he thought, at least)

surprisingly, you actually found him funny, and bantering with him back and forth quickly became your favorite part of every day.

he really liked how you were able to keep up with him and how easy it was to talk to you about anything and everything. no matter what he had to say, you had a reply (or an insult) ready to go.

satoru's a really physically affectionate person in general and he was over the moon when you didnt seem to mind how he randomly slung his arm around your shoulder or how he liked to fall asleep with his head in your lap. (i could tie to this whole thing to his infinity and talk about how sad it is for someone that shows love through physival affection to experience smth so traumatic that they put a LITERAL barrier between them and others preventing all forms of touch but..i wont!)

it wasn't anything romantic at first! (i love platonic physical affection, okay?)

but there were small moments where you felt his touch and felt such a warmth in your heart. you had pure adoration for him [and if you ever caught his stare, you would know he adored you the same.]

anywhoo! you always thought he was attractive because i mean, look at him

but you never really saw him as a romantic prospect. at least not until you talked to him and got to know him. which you told shoko later on, and she called you a freak of nature for it because "usually he has the opposite effect on people"

there wasn't really a distinct moment you can remember where you developed feelings for him. the realization totally caught you by surprise!

you were hanging out with your fellow second years after school, and gojo made some dumb dad joke, at which only he laughed (of course), but you glanced at him from the side and his laugh!!! it was so beautiful!!! like, why are you enchanted by this LOSER right now???

either way, that's when you noticed that maybe that feeling you got in your stomach whenever gojo touched you may not have been entirely platonic. horrified and also a teensy bit excited at your discovery you look away and try to make your blushing face cool down. cool, this was definitely gonna ruin one of the best relationships and friendships you've ever had! gojo knew geto and shoko before you, so if you ever confessed, it would probably ruin your friendship with them too! cool, cool, very cool.

of course, that was total bs, but whatever you were anxious at, your newfound feelings and relationships are confusing, and you maybe (definitely) had a bit of tunnel vision in that moment.

after that (like the smart person you are), you convinced yourself that "well. if i just avoid gojo..the feelings will probably go away, right?"

oh, you poor naive FOOL

first of all, avoiding gojo was no easy feat (just ask nanami)

second of all... by the point you realized your feelings, he was already completely WHIPPED for you

"suguru! did you see? she totally looked at me for two seconds longer than usual today!"

"uh-huh"

"she definitely loves me back, dont you think so too?"

"you're delusional."

"you're my best friend! you're supposed to indulge me in my delusions!"

definitely the type to lay on his stomach and kick his feet in the air while thinking about you

and he NEVER shuts up about you

shoko and geto seriously deserve financial compensation for this and are BAFFLED by the fact that you dont notice how lovestruck he is by you?

so as soon as he realized you stopped replying to his texts like you usually did and you didn't sit next to him anymore so he could lean his head on your shoulder, he was devastated

DEVASTATED

like what did he do????? why does the universe hate him??? ( like he isnt the strongest sorcerer ever?)

you thought you were clever for coming up with your "get rid of feelings for satoru" plan

but no. for days now everywhere you were, suddenly there he was.

you didn't give him the silent treatment or anything you just... kept your distance.

well, you tried anyway

man has no sense of personal space.

"i missed you." he pouts, leaning down and placing his head on your shoulder from behind. "we see each other everyday, thats not enough for you?" you replied, trying to remain calm while he was so SO close to you. "we barely saw each other at all yesterday!" he whines. "i was busy -" "no, you weren't." "yes, i was?" "nuh-uh, " your face contorts into a grimace. "seriously, how old are you?" "sev-" "it was a rhetorical question." he moves from his postion behind you and stands right in front of you. if he wasn't so silly looking, you would probably be intimidated by his towering height.

his face turns serious. "you've been avoiding me." he states, a small pout on his lips. shit, dont look at his lips! "eh..uh..what? no, i'm not! that's crazy talk..." you sputter nervously. he sighs, and puts his hands on your shoulders "are you okay?" he's genuinely concerned for you now. damnit why couldn't he be less likeable?! this was really throwing a wrench in your plan.

"i am..i'm just..uh..argh." you lower your head and massage your temple out of frustration. your heartbeat was going a mile a minute. "i didn't mean to avoid you, satoru." you say in a soft tone. a lie, but you couldn't handle telling him the truth. his face brightens instantly. "i'll forgive you if you pinky promise to never avoid me ever again." he reaches out his pinky. "wow, future me is gonna regret that when you get inevitably annoying.." you chuckle reaching out your hand to interlink your finger with his. this was good, this was normal. you felt normal, platonic, and normal feelings. yep. a bright grin spreads across his pretty face. "although.. you might still have to buy me something sweet to really convince me!" of course. "you're the worst." "you love it!" yeah, you do.

okay, plan b. push it all down and focus on your friendship!

you did really enjoy just being his friend after all..otherwise you wouldn't care so much about ruining your friendship!

so things went back to normal sort of...except for the fact that over the next few months, the romantic tension got worse and worse.

you thought it was just you being delusional when he started holding your hand more and more frequently, freuqently bought you small trimkets and gifts( his reason being " i thought of you!") told you how pretty and cool you looked after missions, even with your hair all messed up and uniform askew. you tried so hard not to read into it even though these things were obviously pretty romantic.

satoru thought he was going insane

"i mean??? am i not being clear enough, suguru? am i being too subtle?"

"i dont think the word subtle really suits you, in any situation ever."

at this point, he was close to giving up. maybe you just didn't like him as much as he liked you?

but then! one late summer night!

the first kiss!

which was sort of out of the blue but also not really, since you'd been pining for each other for a while.

he was invading spending time in your dorm room late at night again like he frequently did. he got real chatty at night. you were both sitting on your bed, and his head was leaning against your shoulder, the soft ends of his hair tickling your neck.

it was around mignight, his voice was low and he spoke in a hushed tone.

"..you know? and then he had the audacity to insult nintendo? like sorry you hate fun, loser? anyways my original point was..." he trails off his voice, getting lower and lower by the end. you turn your head in his direction, expecting to find him asleep. instead, your nose almost bumps against his.

his eyes are..so breathtaking this close, with the moonlight reflecting in his sapphire irises. his snow-white lashes flutter as he glances down at your lips. a silent request.

this moment was so full of tender love while still so quiet. you had never felt anything quite like it before. you nod ever so slightly and softly your lips meet eachother. slotting together like two puzzle pieces, it made something click in your brain. suddenly everything made sense.

after a few moments you pulled back. your face felt hot. it was still quiet. gojos thumb rubs over the back of your hand.

he leans his head back onto your shoulder, positively beaming, he giggled "like i was saying.." he starts again the smile still evident in his voice.

an equally bright grin breaks out on your face. he was not even acknowledging the kiss you two shared. but it felt right that he didn't. this moment felt so warm and so much like satoru. there was no more confusion and no words that needed to be said. you both understood what it meant. you both finally understood what you were.

what you failed to consider was telling your best friends. geto and shoko. the four of you were hanging out and gojo had to leave early for another mission, before he leaves he quickly pecks you on the lips (which to be fair surprised you too) before waving and running off. shoko's eyes were practically bulging out of her head, and getos face couldn't decide between a surprised expression and one of disgust. "what. was that." shoko furtows her brows. "uhh..oh! oh." you couldn't exactly pinpoint what you were supposed to say now. how did you forget to tell them? how did GOJO forget to tell them? granted, it only happened last night, but still... you had assumed he spent the rest of the night lying on his stomach, feet kicking, telling geto every detail. "we're dating?" you reply awkwardly. "damn it!" shoko exclaims, and suguru smiles smugly. odd reactions... that's what you thought until you saw shoko pull out her wallet and hand suguru a big wad of cash. "see? i told you they would figure it out before they turned 25." he chides.

thank you for reading!!! and i hope you liked it! im not sure about this formatting (w/ the tumblr bulleted list. it's like not spaced apart enough, yk?) anyway! im open to constructive criticism, but please be nice im sensitive LOL (ﾉω･､)

[st4rgzer]

Can you write a about the reader loving Matt sm but knowing he doesn’t like her back. Liek don’t have a super happy ending but also don’t have a super sad one. Do it inspired by me and …

UNREQUITED (matt sturniolo)

summary: the reader experiences some unresponsive feelings from a special someone

genre: angst

cw: taylor swift references maybe…? Is that a warning? Other than that I really don’t think theres much

a/n: as always, @iha8you ‘s request, ly, also dw you’ll get him🙏

This winter had been hell for me, it was always my favorite holiday, the cool air, snow, when it rained and I got to stay home playing boardgames with my mum, or I finally got to read that book that had been collecting dust on my shelf for ages now that it was dark and rainy. No, none of it this year. Every time I hung out with him I held my breath, in fear I’ll do something wrong, take too much space, become too much of a liability. Its stupid, just stupid, I’m his best friend, known him since i was 16 years old, but he seemed so much more older, and wiser.I belittle myself next to him, instead of just letting go, I take a mental note of every little gesture he does that correlates in any way to me, every choice of words, I save them to then divulge them later. It’s draining, not knowing if its just all in your head. If you’ve got it wrong…

“y/n? Hellooo, are you there” i snapped out of my meditative state.I was cross legged on my bedroom floor with two of my closest friends, I didnt even remember what we were talking about anymore.

“yeah sorry i was just distracted” I sighed tying my hair back into a low ponytail and resting my hands on my knees

“we were talking about Matt? Y’know you actually have a chance with him, did you see the way he talked to you earlier?” My friends were only feeding into my delusions, the other nodded in agreement. Even if he did actually see me like that, i dont know what i would do, we’ve been friends since highschool, everything would just be too weird and messy, it wouldn’t be right, no, not with me, not with him.

“No, guys, stop, you’re all just talking nonsense and it just makes everything worse” I groaned, placing my head between my hands.

“C’mon, who could ever leave you?” She says giggling, looking over at my other friend, it wasn’t funny, not in that moment at least. I felt despaired, I know it’s obvious I like him, maybe no one actually takes it seriously when i throw in some extra compliments once in a while of some flirty remarks, but I never try to hide it, except the real thing of course. I know my love should be celebrated, I shouldn’t settle for someone who just tolerates it, but I keep going back to the same thing, always, no matter how many people I see, no matter how many excuses I make to not hang out, its like a moth to a flame, I know im bound to get burnt, trust me. My friends keep convincing me, I feel petty having to listen to them try and make me feel better. Sometimes I come close to actually getting serious then I just think its a waste of time, he just always assumes im fine when my eye contact becomes non existent and my words get mixed up, I dont think he notices it at least, I dont think he ever notices. I guess this means im just doomed, It doesn’t matter how many times my friends reassure me, how many “glances” i pick up from him, Im never going to be one of his main concerns, unrequited. Im always just dimly lit, just enough. I should start trying to accept, settle, “always the bridesmaid, never the bride”.

a/n: this is kind of sht i wrote this at 1:00am, I’ll write more with requests🙏😊😊

[grumpybunny-edith]

Gwen's Bunny HRT - Month 1 (Part 1)

I look at my reflection for what feels like the hundredth time today, waffling on how to do it. All the other girls have already gone through all this, and compared to their one-month photos, I feel... Behind. Delilah had already started growing fur in some places, and Edith already had a little bit of tail growing in. Sure, it looked a little weird without any fur on it, but... I’ve got nothing there but soreness. Is it even worth celebrating? Like, “oh yay, my ears look longer if you squint and my teeth look a little sillier”.  

I take a deep breath and dig my toes into my carpet, feeling pain flare up in them. It just started a couple days ago — maybe it would be better to wait until something came of it? Until walking on my toes didn’t hurt so bad, or even felt better than walking on my heels? 

I feel a tiny impulse at the small of my back, my spine apparently doing its best to wiggle at its base. Am I... unconsciously wagging my tail? The soreness that comes with it matches what the other girls had talked about. I smile, showing my reflection my weird teeth and the pain subsides a little. 

“Bunnies wag their tails when they’re upset,” Edith had told me once. It’s warming to feel how right she is, to feel like I actually belong, even for a second. It’s not that the other girls haven’t done a good job of making me think so; it’s just hard to see all of them so far along and then to look at myself. 

I set my phone down and stare at myself for a while. I imagine the fur suddenly sprouting up all across my body, shiny and soft. I imagine my ears getting so tall they graze the doorway. I imagine my tail, tiny and fluffy, poking out just about the hem of my sweatpants. It makes me smile and laugh at myself, and I feel a bit of pride in my teeth. They’ll look better coupled with everything else, I think. 

I hear my phone buzz, trying to avoid convincing myself it’s because my hearing has spontaneously improved. I laugh it off and check what it was. 

raeraebun: Hey girl!! Today’s one month, right?? Where’s the update??

I smile and blush instinctively. Rae and I don’t chat that much, but every time we do it lifts my whole mood. She’s also dropped by my place a couple times because she “made too many brownies and just had to make a delivery”. 

wen-kutesuli: Hey! Idk if I’m gonna do it today honestly lol 

raeraebun: Aww, why not? i mean like do whatever you want obvi but. you okay?

I sigh. I know I can probably tell her, it’ll almost definitely be fine, and she probably has something great to say. But it doesn’t make it any easier to say it. I’m almost embarrassed to still feel the way that I do even after her and Edith’s constant preaching of “loving yourself wherever you are”. 

wen-kutesuli: Yeah I’m okay lol. Just kinda 

wen-kutesuli: Wish I had more to show, I guess? 

Rae’s response comes quite literally instantly. 

raeraebun: GWENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

raeraebun: okay 

raeraebun: lemme show you something 

When Rae comes back after a couple minutes of digging, she sends me a picture of some random girl with hair like her own, followed by five closeups of a pretty standard human ear. 

raeraebun: so like

raeraebun: this was from january last year 

raeraebun: Id been on hrt for like. a month and a half to the day

raeraebun: I had taken a picture of myself every day since starting my regimen

raeraebun: and didnt see anything until that picture when FINALLY 

raeraebun: my ears had grown the tiniest little bit. 

raeraebun: I didnt stop screaming about it all day lol ashley got so sick of it 

raeraebun: and yk what happened next?

raeraebun: they stayed just like that for three more weeks LMAO

Rae has this way of making people smile and cry their eyes out at the same time. 

raeraebun: so... be nice to yourself? its not gonna happen all at once, and thats ok. every little bit is worth, like

raeraebun: I dunno 

raeraebun: a thousand parties

wen-kutesuli: That’s a lot of parties 

raeraebun: and you earn every single one of them :) 

I sit in stunned silence so pleased I don’t know what to do with myself. My body wants some kind of release, and I let it have one, laying face down and kicking my feet so quickly and so hard into the floor it probably upset the people below me. 

raeraebun: you dont have to, but we all wanna celebrate with you :D 

wen-kutesuli: Thank you 🩵 Maybe I’ll do it 

raeraebun: YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

raeraebun: GO GWENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!

---

Thank you to @flightlessbirdgirl for helping me decide on Gwen's username and for letting me bounce ideas off it!

Next

[robotnuts]

heres my bitching post sorry

the main thing i didnt like was how they treated grif's character. he was so angry and i feel like some of his character got leeched out to simmons. for a season that tried to call back so much to the original, that even tried to even out the great destroyer plotline from BGC that didn't make any sense, i wish they handled grif's character with more care. like a red team member manipulating sarge to do what they want is GRIF'S mo, not simmons, and i wish grif had been the one to rally and convince sarge to come help caboose instead of simmons. i feel like the grimmons breakup was the emotional scene that hit the least for me i didnt cry about it i only started crying when the credits rolled, and thats because grif felt pretty ooc for me. which sucks as a grifhead but what can you do

similarly theres kind of a weird abuse apologia thing going on where its like. im fine with how sarge treats grif because it's so clearly like water off a duck's back and grif just manipulates sarge to get his way and rolls his eyes at him and doesnt give a fuck throguhout seasons 1-10, i can take it just as a fictionalized comedy duo that isn't taking itself seriously and grif isn't actually 1:1 like a soldier being abused by his superior irl. and then shisno had the problem of making grif go "actually this really hurts my self esteem and makes me feel bad" and makes you retroactively view their dynamic in a different light. this isnt as bad as shisno, but having sarge say "i was only hard on you because i wanted to push you to be better" made me like :/ because. yknow. if we're taking it seriously, the fact that sarge was "psuhing" grif doesnt make his treatment okay. what makes his treatment okay is that theyre wacky halo man characters and obviosuly there has to be a crazy sargeant character and its not really bothering grif that much. but :/ very minor but i thoguht id mention it

um um um. tex coming back was incredible and made me scream i knew she was gonna come back i was spoiled but i didnt expect how theyd do it. really good. they got me again with the fucking chex at the end of course they did!!!!!!!!

oh right biching. um. what the fuck was going on with wash honestly LMAO like him having his fuckign DID and talkign about his memory issues was completely made for me but his role in this season was so funny and strange WHY DOES HE HAVE A DOC TULPA OH MY GODDDD. like in my ideal world of a final season it absoltuely would have had a more filled out cast and wash and carolina woul dhave been part of the reds and blues the whole time because i want this to be my sitcom where everyone is friends forever but like. I do understand why burnie wanted to take down the cast to sarge/grif/simmons/caboose as the original four founders (rip joel LMAO).

also the stuff with tucker was so scary !!! ahhhHhh why did they send him to time prison for 10 years AHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! SCARY!!!!!!!!!!!

idk ill also update this post with stuff that i loved it was really funny and i did like it overall, i need to watch it again i was tipsy/drunk for most of it and also talking about it irl so i missed some bits that my friends went crazy for and i need to watch the commentary. its not all bitching thats just waht sticks in my mind easier. god that campfire scene with the barenaked ladies song i was CRYINGGGG. it obviously felt short/rushed or whatever but like. ugh. its just a potential possible future anyways you guys KNOW in my head all the reds and blues are together on chorus forever and ever always doing their bits. i really am just glad we got more of it to watch together and got to get on burnie's wild ride one last time. thank you

[crayonverse]

details bout michael n eins dynamic. 2 me (cw physical/emotional abuse, cannibalism, suicide/suicidal idealizations, ableism, self-harm)

michael only refers to himself as eins father when he wants ein to do something, any other time hes just michael .

lets ein not refer to him as sir to make him feel more "special" .

after eins mom broke up w zack she sorta got a bit. out of it. she started neglecting ein and she became depressed. The First Step in ein distrusting others bc his mother stopped paying attention 2 him. michael used a small amount of his magic to control her and make her drown herself in the kitchen sink and then kidnapped ein, making it look like she had killed herself and ein had ran away. .

just as a small thing of me hcing ein as a transguy, michael named him ein bc the meaning of "ian" (which is what his name is just spelled weird) is "God is Gracious" as a constant reminder that michael "saved" ein. .

ein wasnt tested on w forever potions (in the early stages w the other kids) because michael absolutely could not let Zack know he had his other stupid kid. when ein found out about the testing he was extremely upset bc he wasnt "special enough" for it. picture ein 6 years old begging for medical malpractice to be used on him .

he was tested later but as a teen when michael got out, since he didnt have access to the other children. although he wasn't able to use the full potions since he didnt have access to emeralds at the moment, so he used diluted versions of the potions that weren't as powerful via syringes. ein gets a fear needles from it .

when michael n the other two idiots were locked in the pocket dimension ein went through a brief depressive period bc the One Guy he (thought) cared about him disappeared. when michael did get out he didnt tell ein immediately bc he . doesnt like ein but when he found out ein got arrested he told ein that he should stay in jail for a few months to "learn his lesson" .

slightly unrelated but when michael wanted him out of jail he also wanted ein to disappear off the radar so he faked eins death in jail. originally he wanted ein to die in like a riot but ein, sensing an opportunity, asked for it to say he killed himself instead. the opportunity being aphmau half way into her uni course looking up her old high school bullies to see what theyre up to and just finding out ein is Fucking Dead .

the potions michael uses on ein are mainly magic power related (like eins Green Laser) because he likes manipulating ein into doing things rather than using his magic because its "more fun" .

michael subconsciously views ein as his actual son (mcd travis) bc he feels like "this one is a better son" or whatever .

not a specific thing but mother knows best reprise from tangled is a Viewpoint on their dynamic 2 me .

ein is internally scared of michael but he never verbally says that and if anyone asks him if he is he denies it immediately bc he doesnt want pity. you can see it in his eyes though. elizabeth is really the only other person who mentions it but she mostly uses it to make fun of ein because she "doesnt think its that bad" (<- she is unaware) .

bc of michael ein absolutely hates unwarranted physical touch. he reacts violently if anyone grasps his shoulder from behind or touches his upper arms. the only touch he usually allows is people lightly touching his hair/head bc he still registers it as headpats (grabbing his hair usually results in him biting) .

michael usually physically threatens or abuses ein to reprimand him but sometimes he throws ein into the Metaphorical Torture Box for entertainment .

basically most of the things michael does to ein is for his own amusement .

he also heavily dehumanizes ein to convince him to do evil acts, rationalizing it to him as "you arent a person so is it really that bad??" ein does not view himself as an actual person at this point more so as a nameless soldier, a weapon, etc .

i used this for an old fic n stuff too but also michael makes ein commit cannibalism to forcibly dehumanize him more. he wants to make ein feel entirely disconnected from humanity (like michael feels for himself) so ein will basically be a "mini michael" .

ein also consciously copies michaels mannerisms/speech. only really elizabeth n zack notice it however and it just fucking freaks zack the hell out (elizabeth is also freaked out by it but mostly ignores it) .

theres just a general theme of a loss of control for ein in general. he gets a small allowance from michael and hes not allowed out overnight, all his communication is usually internally with the researchers or guardian forces. most of the time ein self isolates from them, viewing them as beneath him and michael. when they try to talk to him its a 50/50 whether he'll tell them to fuck off or he'll hiss at them .

another specific detail is pre s4 ein fucked up a potion and instead of his usual reprimand, michael used pliers to defang ein. in his head its the one thing ein can't rationalize about michaels actions (the one "seed of doubt" he has). he usually makes excuses for michael's actions towards him but being defanged is the only one he struggles with since he knows that michael knows how important his wolf side is to him .

pre s5 and just like at the end of s5 (when ein was seen on the bridge) he was going through another depressive episode bc he missed his ears and tail. he was mainly just going through the motions of his daily life but he was barely holding on. michael repeatedly discouraged ein from committing because the plan would be messed up because of it (michael said that directly to him) and he would imply that ein would be a traitor if he went through with it. .

michael actually flipped between discouraging and encouraging ein to commit to see what he would do. .

he's caught ein self-harming before, w ein attempting to either drown or smother himself. michael doesnt like doing this regularly but most of the time he lets ein hug him so he feels "comforted". other times michael just scolds him and tells him to not do it again. .

i also hc ein as a low empathy autistic (bc # me) and he used to stim very openly and loudly but michael disliked that part of him so he "trained" ein to not stim in public which just results in him being constantly overstimulated, a contributor to Ein being fucking mad all the time. hes like a hair trigger away from a meltdown at all times .

the only method of stimming ein can usually get away w is when he scratches his arms/scabs. unfortunately he doesn't trim his claws and it usually results in ein making himself bleed or reopening scars. michael has attempted to get him to stop doing this but its pretty much a compulsion for ein at this point.

[joelletwo]

wrestling with the 4devas bitchslap again to convince myself its fine if graveyard wins the best ep tourney: it's not the other bloggers who are wrong, it's me

not a complete response to but definitely in conversation with and asking some of the same questions again as @reductionisms's 4devas essay, which tries to square gintoki's "life doesn't need to be fun, i just need you to live" being a series-sanctioned message he's given to villains as an arc-concluding moral continuously up until 4devas with it here being an incorrect worldview that needs to be (physically) corrected by shinpachi, the straightman tonal signpost of gintama

a conflict i have been perplexed by ever since i got to this line on my first watch a year or two ago, since i've seen this line before! all over fandom! as part of the general "dont [bottom text] kill yourself" motivational messaging of gintama that i love!

and, briefly, when i hit 4devas i was also in the middle of being really frustrated by the new arc pattern i was seeing crop up: i loved the villains-turned sympathetic-turned someone worth saving by gintoki tune of the first half of gintama, but it fell massively flat for me in Yoshiwara in Flames, where i was never convinced to be on housen's side but had to watch him get a heartwarming redemptive death at the side of the woman he abused anyways.

then shortly after i had the same exact experience in Red Spider with jiraia, and i thought, if this is what gintama is gonna do with its shitty dudes from now on im gonna quit the fucking show. and then shortly after that i met jirochou and saw him cut down otose the woman he loved (under a raining sky!!! the fucking sky motifs!!! the signpost im about to watch a dude be shittily violent to women and be expected to feel sorry for him about it) and saw too much red to really take in the rest of the arc level-headedly or care about anything in it lol.

so it was written off in my mind as the 'otose almost gets fridged' arc until i rewatched it this week. then i had to remember, oh yeah, there's a ton of political maneuvering fakeouts in this arc that i never actually squared back with how the plot presented itself prior to the reveals, so i'd still been thinking about the "fakeout" plot. then i read the manga version with all the "truths" in mind from the start, and finally i felt like i could understand what this arc is doing a little better.

(way) tldr (4.4k words. sorry): do i love this arc? eh. do i still hate it? eh. but it's doing stuff!

first, i was able to see an echo in all the "actually i was planning to betray you the whole time" "actually i was working to help you the whole time" plot beats of what sorachi does with the larger edo/universe story further into the back half of the manga. if i ever sound like i didnt enjoy or wasnt convinced by the execution of these "reveals," it's because i didnt and wasnt, lol. but it's fun that he had fun with them i guess.

the arc starts with pirako ingratiating herself into yorozuya, then having a classic "bump into you and pretend to be injured to extort you" encounter w her dad's gang. to resolve this without escalating into violence, gintoki... does it back to them, which is really funny. but thus the tone is set for the arc of: DISHONEST APPROACHES TO CONFLICT.

pirako isnt honest about her overall intentions the, like, seven different times that she "admits her real ones." kada plays at peacekeeper in the devas while being the ultimate person scheming to get the upper hand over everyone else in the end. (she's also secretly harusame, evil amanto outsider who acts as a unifying force for the kabukicho fighting itself to band together against and expel: sorachi's favorite move! the problem was never internal, it's the shadowy REAL antagonists who infiltrated us)

jirochou and otose are ultimately doing a pantomime of conflict to try to keep temperatures down and escalations from breaking out, so no one they care about has to get hurt. gintoki doesn't know this until the end, but he follows in their footsteps after his encounter with them in the graveyard: he plays at having given up to the rest of yorozuya so they'll leave and escape the coming kabukicho war, the same thing otose was trying with him. it fails both times. i'm really not sure why gintoki and otose thought it would work, honestly. they should know their kids are stubborn as hell.

but gintoki is in a bind because of the things he needs to protect, and all of his actions are primarily in service of that, to the detriment of how he'd prefer to act if he were less restricted. he is unsurprised and unoffended to hear saigou is only willing to warn them, not help them, because her son is in danger if she acts directly. all four devas are, seemingly, being mutually restrained this way, holding back even when blatantly manipulated to do so. the other constant of this arc: everyone is dishonest, and no one wants to risk losing what they have.

gintoki understands that! of course! he's had to make that calculus before, after all :)

and this arc is just one big cliff scene echo: the entire graveyard scene pushing gintoki to emotional regression because he thinks he's losing another parent figure, one he's just seen the Gintoki Figure of the arc cut down, no less (takasugi stolen valor when he goes berserk against him and only ends up uselessly bleeding out on the ground about it, honestly). otose goes into this willingly so gintoki can live. he accepts this decision because he values protecting her values (her kids living on) and is briefly broken by it (the story says, before giving him shinpachi to "put him back on track"). prior to the bitchslap, after saying he just wants them to live, even if it has to be without him, he says:

i dont have a good understanding of when we start getting reveals of gintoki's backstory versus foreshadowing because i went into gintama already knowing most of it, but definitely by the recent red spider where we get our first real look at (or really, first listen to) shouyou. but here we actually get some of what gintoki felt about it, which he keeps closely guarded even when the whole truth comes out: he's done his best to survive having lost, but it was so unbearable he can't face losing again.

(also, honorable mention backstory echo, the person calling him a brother sets his home on fire to drive him and his parent figure out of town. as i liveblogged: this one would really hurt gintoki if gintoki cared about anything oboro ever did!)

but with the shinpachi story-rerouting, they get the good end, keep everyone (otose, yorozuya, all of kabukicho, even pirako and her dad - everyone but kada) safe without having to sacrifice a single thing, even keep gintoki hopeful for this outcome. so, as goose points out, we are left to understand that there could have been a good end on the cliff, that something is different here than there, and, skipping a lot of math, that that is the people around gintoki.

which i do find really funny to imagine as a slam on takasugi and katsura. sorry you kids suck too much, your teacher dies bc u were cringefail. but lets look at it.

everyone is dishonest, no one wants to risk what they have: gintoki rallies himself to keep fighting but is determined to do it alone. kagura and shinpachi fight him on this; they can't leave because they don't want to lose their home, they can't let him fight alone because they don't want to lose him. they're just as restricted by what they have to keep safe, but their only option is to act where everyone else's is inaction. shinpachi says:

if i may skip over the bitchslap itself for now, gintoki does consent to let his allies fight with him after it. yorozuya stands alone against saigou, who's heavily demoralized but resigned, strongarmed into fighting them by the threat to her son. but on seeing their resolve to keep protecting their own precious home and family she says:

and, to skip straight to my thought, i think this is what turns the tides back in their favor. there are more twists and turns to the fight. pirako equates what binds saigou, which she herself equates to what binds the yorozuya, to what binds her:

(with an intentional distinction that she's willing to actively destroy the others', as opposed to their purely self defensive fighting, which is echoed at some point in her distinguishing gintoki from jirochou in the same way, that jirochou not only lives to protect like gintoki but is willing to destroy in the process. i don't find that part as interesting, but it's more fuel to the power of having something to protect as a driving force as an arc theme.)

so now all three stand on the same ground, absolutely unwilling to give up what they hold dear, but all their cards are on the table. they aren't dealing in 12 dimensions of tricksy defensive pre-emptive moves anymore. they know it wouldnt work, anyways, since they all know their drives to protect are the same and no one will be talked into backing down. now they can directly duke it out and let the winner be determined that way, on strength of will. even before the actual circumstances change, the fight somehow feels freer seeing how inevitable it is. and with everything out in the open, yorozuya can now protect each other and saigou's son, taking out one side of the conflict.

(and with everything out in the open, the ultimate 4devas villain can become the single person who continues to betray the others, kada, whose further machinations - with everything out in the open! - saigou (and later yorozuya) can choose to protect pirako from. everyone wins! because everything was out in the open! do you see where i'm going)

and so we come back to the question: gintoki is corrected, the arc is rerailed to the better outcome. so is the correction justified?

what does the correction accomplish outside of its moment? most convincingly to me of goose's presented options, i also think it's done as a thematic shift, a, okay, just live was a strategy that worked before but now doesn't suffice, so we need something more.

as to why this is needed now and not earlier or later...tldr bad planning <3 but like.

we have, prior to this, a consistent thrust of arcs where gintoki teaches people to lose. as well, while we meet the harusame and we visit space and we get the barest glimpses of takasugi's weird shadowy background moves there, largely we're dealing with kabukicho characters and kabukicho stories. we see or only hear about the shogun for short comedic moments only. we've largely dropped the series intro focus on things like the shinsengumi or hasegawa acting as foreign diplomats. it's a local series, a hometown series, a kabukicho and not even an edo at large series, a personal story about gintoki making personal connections with his personal experience as a flawed person with a flawed approach to life that has let him, chronic slacker, get by on the bare minimum.

at this moment, chapter 300, we have a slow trickle of gintoki backstory starting to come out to us. we've recently expanded the story focus to include yoshiwara, which gets a callout in this arc by kada to keep it relevant. we have an arc of sorachi testing out plot beats that he'll use again for the endgame, in all the political maneuvering and alliancing and betraying and shadowy outsider space governmenting, where he's also doing a lot of echoing of that backstory that only becomes clear later. so it's possible he's thinking about shifting gears and setting up for the eventual endgame, which means getting out of the episodic cycle so things can stick.

and after this arc, to my opinion and memory, we stop getting the classic gintama flavor sympathizable'd antagonists. a lot of the bigger arcs don't even have clear Big Shot antagonists anymore, being more about the shouyoucore theme of characters fighting against themselves, or if there is one they're always explicitly part of the Shadow Government now, a unified and more daunting force than someone they can win over with an inspiring gintoki interaction.

so 4devas does act as a turning point at least in some way. and it's not possible to say this definitively, since all gintama arcs are ultimately never going to be about gintoki or his friends Actually losing something instead of beating the odds, but it does feel like theres a different flavor to, say, dekobokko with its direct look at how chars lives could be different and better and they will still choose to keep struggling as themselves. and Kintama arc definitely doesn't feel like an early days arc, like it can only resolve the way it does with a gintoki who is now able to face his past and the possibility of losing again and again and again (now with, natch, his faith that yorozuya will by his side when he does).

why now, after 300 chapters of letting it sit ignored in the back of his brain working out perfectly fine except when it doesn't (the very reminder of shouyou in a fight making him go Demon Mode, which is like regular gintoki but worse at fighting, bc he is so unprepared to think about shouyou)? well i personally am in big favor of the "take a decade off" strategy for facing problems. it worked for me too. realistically watsonianly its nice to let things percolate in the brain and do some of the processing behind the scenes until its less immediately painful. and he's made many bonds over these 300 chapters, shown in this arc when the whole town rallies behind him, that are there to support him when he needs it now and weren't there before.

realistically doylistly eh. bad planning.

and so we come back to the question: gintoki is corrected, the series as a result is rerailed to a writing space where things can start changing (leave the episodic, as you guys say, sazae-san format). it's useful in the future. so is the correction justified in terms of what comes before it? was the correction needed?

thinking about the bitchslap leads to thinking about the cliff scene leads to (sorry kagura and katsura, you guys arent really relevant here) pitting shinpachi and takasugi against each other in how they act with something on the line they can't bear to give up.

i don’t need the lesson of 4devas to apply logistically to the cliff scene. once they were set up on that chessboard, frozen in their assigned places as a backstory, it’s not like takasugi could’ve power of friendship’d his way out of being physically retrained if he decided he wanted to. it’s set up as a forced choice, it has to play out as a forced choice.

but we see that even before it’s asked of him, takasugi is willing, prepared, unbothered to give up his own life for shouyou’s. this is, goose lays out in the sequel, the cardinal sin in gintama - a teacher shouldn’t outlive their student. it would have been especially egregious to shouyou, whose whole desired life’s purpose is to raise students who can outlive him and outgrow him, take his lessons and go out into the world and do their own thing with them. takasugi doesn’t expect to do this and doesn’t seem to see a point in the possibility if shouyou isn’t back with them.

though we can also think of shouyou as a little too quickly willing to give up on the cliff - sorry, gintoki, the suicidal guy has thought about it for .02 seconds and decided the best outcome is for you to kill him even though he could get out of this no problem. maybe its no wonder gintoki gave up too. can we ask katsura what he would’ve done?

and is takasugi different from shinpachi there? he rejects the mentor’s attempt to exchange his own life for his. he’s not willing to consider a life without him.

but shinpachi is convinced no one is going to die. because they’ll be there together. incredibly naive - shinpachi and kagura, restricted to one option by what they need to protect like everyone is in 4devas, have acting as that one option because they are still free in a way gintoki and the other adults aren't. they’ve never actually experienced the impossible choice that forces you to give up, so they can act as if there isn’t one - what else would they do? why would they think to give up?

but gintoki is defined by having lived the impossible choice. its built into the foundation of him as a character and leaks out everywhere. he couldn’t have relied on his friends on the cliff because they were quite forcibly removed from the picture as an option, not by his or their choice. its written as an inevitability, logistics we find out later be damned.

if we refocus to 4devas, we can look at the Gintoki Figure for a different angle. jirochou, after he and gintoki resolve the arc conflict by being able to team up because they - say it with me - put everything out in the open, tells gintoki about his impetus for abandoning his family and coming back to his wayward life in kabukicho, the death of otose's husband.

it's, um, another now really obvious parallel to gintoki, lol. characters talk about how jirochou does everything he does in this arc to try to atone for his failure to both otose and tatsugorou, and i guess thats true bc he was written that way but he has an odd way of showing it, but anyways he resolves that, despite his guilt over this, all he can do now is keep living and keep protecting what they loved together. he's come to the usual gintama message all on his own, reinforcing that this is the correct way to live in this series. he had his own unavoidably shitty situation, and he came to terms with it.

so then where did jirochou go wrong, in the narrative's eyes (other than abandoning one woman and their child to deal drugs in the town of his other woman while ignoring her)? was there a point he could've changed how their trio's story played out? but he loved and trusted tatsugorou, and he was happy to step aside and let him be the one by their otose's side. i doubt he would have been happy stealing her away even if it were possible.

but if we look at the resolution tool of 4devas... he never put everything out in the open!!! everyone knows he loved otose, but in more of an open secret way. in classic romance plot, he never confessed for second male lead rejection closure. indeed, in the closest we ever get to a main character having a romantic plot in gintama, the very ending of the arc flirts with him doing just that now that he's made a little progress with the arc message, with the entire cast of the arc expecting him to (and interrupting before he can).

but if he had when they were young. if he had been honest with his friends. could it have opened up other options that weren't available on his own, that they didnt know to offer? i have a preferred one lol. but u can get creative with all sorts of life paths that avoid tatsugorou dying that way or, at the least, jirochou feeling chained to a shameful life (living in a town he doesn't go out in to protect a woman he doesnt talk to and feeling like he doesnt deserve the family he abandoned for this) because of it.

and then if we take this and rewind back to the cliff... we get to grind my favorite ax, "shouyou shouldve told literally anyone literally anything about his deal." if gintoki knew more about shouyou, they could've faced his horrors together, the whole time. he couldve known that shouyou was being literal calling himself a demon and not internalized his own identity as one for life just because shouyou bonded with him over it. i truly genuinely think the logical conclusion of all of gintama's big messages are that shouyou and gintoki should have been more open with each other.

but i don't think sorachi thinks that. and, you know, by 4devas rules, the unriskable precious things he was protecting by staying silent were his students' humanity, and secondarily his own fragilely newly hopeful heart that literally couldnt stand another 10 millionth round of rejection (killed himself and then went on a 12 year rampage over it. girl i would too).

and takasugi really isn't dishonest about what's going on in his head when he tells us he expects to die for shouyou. that's as cards on the table as i could ask. gintoki is, a little bit, by omission. he does what i'd want him to here - tells takasugi try just not dying - but doesn't give him a reason to, and doesn't tell him he has no plans of letting anyone die for shouyou.

so what goes wrong on the cliff - shouyou is happy, gintoki is happy, oboro's even kind of happy, katsura is irrelevant - is that takasugi is blindsided (whoops) by their silent agreement that betrays the one he thought he and gintoki had. and then ruins everyone's party about it and spends the next ten years doing so for good measure.

which is also, basically, what shinpachi is going through that prompts the bitchslap, too. he thought they were a team, that they had each others backs, not that gintoki is a one-way protector of them. he is blindsided by gintoki lying to and tricking them and hiding things from them. he is hurt by gintoki feeling hopeless all by himself when he could share that with them and be encouraged by their endless child optimism.

and would it need to have changed anything on the cliff? in the moment after the bitchslap, what contributes to gintoki changing his mindset is tama telling him, we trust that you're capable bc youve always shown us that, can you trust us this time? when, later in the arc, gintoki seems to regress by sending kagura and shinpachi away, he asks them to trust that he's still trusting them, relying on them to help shoulder his burden, and in return they know he's staying alive, not self sacrificing. maybe it would've helped just to feel on the same team and not shut out, to be able to trust gintoki like gintoki was trusting shouyou?

so. two paralleled instances of gintoki making a bad situation worse by keeping to himself and being too self sufficient. that feels clear cut that feels fine im okay with that as a takeaway. do i think its exactly what sorachi had in mind while writing this, as opposed to just a good series 'hey lean on your friends' moment to read cool and tug at the heartstrings? eh lol. i think theres definitely room to read takasugi into this arc (i still need to refind the takagin 4devas post...) but its not so baked in that i think he was a PRIORITY in the plotting.

but is the shinpachi SCOLDING necessary is the scolding justified... and yes its in response to life doesnt need to be fun i just want you to live. still a confusing framing i can't immediately square. but/and more immediately its directly responding. to gintoki opening up to them about his insecurities!!

which, as said, he doesnt do!! he doesnt talk about his failures! its basically like, here and to hijikata that one time and otherwise even when we know all the facts about what happened we still never hear gintoki himself talk about it. (so he really DOESNT learn the lesson here either. he stays dissociated and triggered every time utsuro comes up. he tries to solve the altana baby problem on his own. he doesnt talk to his new friends OR his old friends. bwah. gintoki. silver soul.)

so this is like. its just in the wrong order!! its just in a baffling order lol. if you want gintoki to share his burden do you need to punch him when he shares it. does it also need to sound like you're blaming him for not being capable of upholding his promise to protect anyone when thats the insecurity thats got him all discombobulated this arc in the first place (a whole set of notes i took on this that i didnt find a place for in this post)?? its so weeeeiiiiiirddd lol i dont liiikeee itttttt. theres plenty of things shinpachi can validly punch gintoki for but this is such a weird one.

so i guess. having a clearer understanding of this arc do i hate it less? YES honestly. i hate fakeout plots generally they irritate me but everything... more or less makes sense by gintama standards now that i have the whole plot in mind.

do i hate jirochou less SORT OF? i enjoy him. in his individual relationships. i like his shitty dad deal i love shitty dads. i like him pining for otose who genuinely likes him but also brings up her husband every sentence she says to him just to keep him down. i like his parallels with gintoki that they both explicitly acknowledge and find macho comfort in. hes still not theeeeeeeee most well-developed gintama antagonist but you know? i at least think otose and pirako would want to be around him after this.

do i feel like i have a clearer understanding of the bitchslap moment. NOT CONVINCED I DO. i feel like its going to be one of those things that slips in and out of my understanding like sand in cupped hands. i have a tentative understanding of it that i dont think sorachi actually had in mind. so i dont think ive solved it lol.

will i be cursed to think about 4devas forever? god i hope not. am i okay with it beating farewell shins in the polls. god i fucking hope it does. in the horrible timeline where i have to see 305 make it all the way and then lose i guess id rather it be to this one than to hijigin. consider this poll propaganda?

[coldflasher]

so me and my friend had to put our flash (re)watch on pause for a while bc she broke her ankle so we haven't seen each other in a while, but we finally picked season 8 back up and. god. i don't even have anything funny or insightful to say about it because it's just bad. it's so bad. and i couldn't even put my finger on why it was so bad at first, but eventually my friend pointed out that like. NOTHING happens. the characters literally just stand in a circle and talk. then whenever something DOES happen they go "hey so this thing just happened, hold on a sec while i describe it word for word in case you missed it." there's no action 90% of the time and there's no meta of the week for the most part so every episode feels samey and directionless as we slowly crawl our way towards a resolution of a plotline that isn't particularly compelling anyway

the characters are flat and nothingy. barry, the main character of the show, does FUCKING NOTHING EVER. there was one scene where he was running down the street, which he obviously used to do in every single ep, and my friend was like "holy shit i feel like we haven't actually seen him RUN in ages" and she was right. the man whose WHOLE SUPERPOWER IS RUNNING VERY FAST DOESN'T RUN ANYWHERE ONSCREEN FOR LIKE SIX EPS STRAIGHT. we see him run in and out of rooms but never see a straight shot of him running TO anywhere. WHY?

then there's the fact that the overarching plots are bad. the characters are split into two factions that don't interact at all. iris having time sickness could be cool and interesting and there's lots of potential for interesting character work there, but instead of making anything happen they have her sit on a couch and not touch anything in case she erases it from the timeline.

at one point she literally GOES MISSING and barry just. DOES NOTHING?? im sorry, fuck whatever else is happening, you know if iris disappeared he'd be tearing the city apart looking for her but all that happens is cecile is like "omg barry i can feel that you're sad, what's going on??" and he's like "iris is missing, im worried about her." WHAT!! THEN FUCKING LOOK FOR HER YOU DINGBAT!! i've said this before but s1-4 barry would absolutely beat the shit out of this version of himself if he found out about this

and don't even get me STARTED on caitlin and her almost husband, the skeleton fire demon who eats grief---again, this had the bare bones (pun intended) of an interesting plotline; a meta that feeds off people's grief could actually be really powerful and interesting to explore, but he's a magic skeleton from another universe who tricks her by pretending to be her dead husband so it's just stupid. at one point the characters like "why are we doing this plotline now, 7 years after ronnie died?" and i'm like yes, why ARE we? because again, having caitlin fall prey to the manipulations of a malevolent force that feeds on grief would actually be very topical and interesting if it had happened in, say, s2, when ronnie had just died for the second time. if her grief was fresh and raw and painful it could be conceivable that she'd be desperate enough to go "well i thought he was dead once and he survived, maybe he did it again", and cling to that, allowing herself to be tricked into believing this evil sentient flame skull was really ronnie. but it's been SEVEN YEARS and she literally just got a new boyfriend who has no personality and who we never see again, so it doesn't make any sense and i don't care. also the show keeps trying to convince you to care by having caitlin go "ronnie was such a valuable member of the team, you knew and loved him!!" and it's like... did we though? did we really? he's never made a big impression on me personally. the only character who was close to ronnie and actually knew him was cisco and he's not here. they added a few flashbacks and a proposal scene to try and make us care more about the caitlin/ronnie relationship but they didnt do anything for me because i was too busy staring at danielle's terrible wig. like babes that is NOT what caitlin's s1 hair looked like, did you even try

the skeleton fire demon stuff is actually kind of enjoyable to watch at times purely because it's so fucking ridiculous, the whole thing is a trainwreck, so i did somewhat enjoy getting to make fun of it but JESUS CHRIST IT'S SO TERRIBLE. HOW DID THE SHOW FALL SO FAR. WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED

[cajunfoxnight]

Hi really interested in this reconstruct Au!! Do you have more information about the story?

Oh Anon.. I hope you are ready for the can of worms you have just opened 😬

I should warn you tho, I am not the best at telling a story, and im worse at explaining one. However I also want to share this AU as its been something ive been working on for 8+ years, and while it is mostly a self indulgent Monster AU, full of stereotypical troupes and cliches, its also very important to me. I made this AU when I was not in a good place mentally and was using it as a way to cope with and express the feelings I was having at the time. Its changed a lot and truth be told its actually 2 story lines that combine to become 1 down the line. But for the sake of this ask, I will focus on talking about the Reconstruct backstory.

Anyway if youre still interested in what the story is about, then please continue reading! I will do my best to try not to babble too much but.. its going to happen anyway 😅

TW: So I should probably start off with mentioning that this AU does contain emotional and physical abuse, manipulation, and mention of body mutilation. Not that im going to go into the details of that here but thats just me covering my own ass :v At the point the story is at now, Gladion is much older than he is in the games/manga/anime. His actual age isnt fully known as the theme with this AU deals with time and interdimensional travel, so its hard to keep track of, but he appears to be in his early 20s. But for all intents and purposes he is an adult.

✨The story ✨ So the Reconstruct AU is something of a "bad ending" storyline.

So this story follows that of the canon for the beginning. Mohn disappeared when he fell through an Ultra Space worm hole that was opened, and his whereabouts are unknown. Lusamine still went into her crazy and Ultra Beast obsessed self, only concerned with youth, beauty, and keeping things as under her control as much as she can. Gladion steals TYPE:NULL and Lillie taking Nebby and running away. Lillie going to live with Kukui and Gladion joining Team Skull as their enforcer.

In this timeline, Lusamine, in her desperate need to have control of everything around her, decides that she will create her "perfect world" where she will surround herself with all of the things that she loves. A place where everything will be kept exactly the way she wants them, preserved for all of time, and where she wont ever be alone again. However she knows that she can not do this on her own, but knows who can. Someone younger, stronger, and already has knowledge about the UBs and Aether. Now the hard part is getting him to join her, but she has a plan for that.

Lusamine gets in contact with Guzma (as in this story he still "works" for her) and with the help of some choice words, a good sob story, and probably a fat check, she's able to convince him that she has changed and she wants help from him to convince Gladion of these things as well. Being that he and Gladion are so close, and obviously he trusts him so much, it shouldnt be hard for him to talk some sense into him, right? She does an amazing job at getting Guzma on her side, having him think that Gladion is just being a bratty, rebellious, edgy teen. After all, he comes from some nice rich family, could have anything he wants, and yet still chose to ran away, how bad could it have possibly been? Does he even realize how bad some of these kids have it? How badly HE had it?? So generally he thinks that Gladion is just over reacting/being dramatic. He doesnt know how good he's had it, obviously!

Guzma sets up this whole "ambush". He has Gladion come back to the shady house, getting him inside and cornering him in his room, where he is confronted by Lusamine. She puts on this big show of being the sorry mother just wanting her son back, going on about how she's changed and she didnt mean to do all of those horrible things and so on and so on. All she wants is them to be a family again, like they used to be, is that really so much to ask for? Gladion is already seeing right through this, he knows all of this is bs, but he cant seem to get anyone on his side. After all, the members of Team Skull never really liked him anyway and were only going along with it bc Guzma said so. Now with Guzma against him, he has no real back up. He cant fight back and he cant even escape. Despite his stubborn nature, he still cant overcome the hold his mother has on him after all those years. She very much has him between a rock and a hard place. So not having any other option, he is forced to go back home with her.

Once back home, Gladion's life is turned upside down as Lusamine does everything she can to keep him on a short leash. All freedom that he had is now gone, and he is constantly watched and monitored, its suffocating. Much like before, he's told how to dress, how to act, what to eat and how much, he cant even so much as get near a computer or phone without someone questioning him. He cant even bring out any of his pokemon bc Lusamine has deemed most of them "too dangerous" to have out all under the pretense of doing it for his safety. The only pokemon he's able to have around him is his Umbreon, and even then, she's given a electric collar that keeps her within the property of the house, so no chance of her running off in the middle of the night or anything. While Lusamine insists that shes not keeping him there against his will, she assures him that he's allowed to leave whenever he'd like. Tho she also warns him that if he leaves, then Lillie will be taking his place. She will not be left with an empty nest. Truth be told Lillie probably would have been the easier choice between the two, she also knows that Gladion would do anything to keep her safe. So using her as leverage is how she keeps control over Gladion.

One day Lusamine casually brings up about the "Reconstruct Project" to Gladion (keeping its details very vague), mentioning its something he could help her with, as she thinks he would be interested, He shuts it down saying that he wants no part of whatever she's doing. Lusamine doesnt prese the issue, only expressing disappointment that he wont even consider her offer, but she wont force him. Rather she doesnt want to force him as she wants him to join her willingly. (Even if "willingly" means she'll force his hand) She needs him for this Project. Gladion may be stubborn, but she is so much worse.

After their initial conversation, things only got a lot worse. While he had few freedoms since all of this has started, those are gone now. He becomes cut off from his Pokemon, from the outside, he hardly has a moment of peace where he doesnt feel like he's being questioned or ordered to do something. He really is like a prisoner in his own home (well, a place he once called that). His sanity is being chipped away at, and it comes down to 2 options. -He can either join onto this Reconstruct project, whatever it is. Not knowing what fate could await him or what Lusamine as planned, but at least he'd have a chance at having some sense of a life back and limited freedom.. -Or he can live the rest of his life as Lusamine's puppet, having no freedom or will of his own (<-which is also another story of its own). His life will practically be on auto pilot, forever chained to Aether but never having a say in anything.

It takes some time but eventually Gladion does break, and asks to join the Reconstruct Project, even tho he still has no idea what it is, but anything is better than the life he is living now.

Lusamine is absolutely delighted by this news! And almost instantly, life then turns around for Gladion. He finally is given back some freedom, if not more than what he had before. He is able to move around his home without question. He gets to eat more and better than he did before, putting on some much needed muscle. He's even getting a chance to walk around outside and around the property without having some kind of chaperone. Lusamine even invites him to join her at Aether to over see some projects that they are working on as well as helping with pokemon there. She lets him join her in outings in town, taking him to eat and so on. She's essentially love bombing him, and he hesitantly accepts. All the while this is going on, he still does not know what this Reconstruct Project is bc he cant seem to find any information on it, like it almost doesnt even exist. Whenever he asks about it, Lusamine either skirts around the question or tells him that then only thing he should be concerned about is being in his best physical condition as possible. She assures him that it'll all be worth it, and shes going to give him what he's always wanted: To be stronger. But in order to that, he's going to need some "upgrades. None of this does well to ease any concerns or fears he has, but he's already gotten this far, and he doesnt want to risk going to how things were before so.. whatever it is, he's in it for better or worse. Gladion undergoes a very extensive surgery, with about 80% of his body being "Reconstructed" (hence the name) from the ground up. Its some time later that he wakes up from a induced coma and when he does the reality of what has happened to him is made clear. He is no longer human, or rather, not completely. His body a patch worked mess, a terrible jigsaw amalgamation of human and (shiny) Silvally. Lusamine delivered on her promise to make him stronger, even if she left out the finer details of it.. So that is the Reconstruct story line, or the start of it anyway. From here the story follows along with Gladion changing his name to "Reconstruct" as he has convinced himself that who he once was is no longer him. That part of him died long before it got to this point. His job is that of a glorified errand boy and protector of Aether. He mostly travels through Ultra Space and to different worlds/time to gather up UBs for Lusamine so that she can create her "perfect world". He travels through the worm holes with the aid of an altered Dusk Mane Solgaleo who has been fitted with pieces of Necrozma Armor, that acts a lot like NULL's inhibitor helmet. While its an odd life and something he would have never imagined for himself. He is still very much tied to Aether, at least in this way he has some sense of purpose and freedom. Tho in his time of traveling he has seen much, including other versions of himself (Gladion) living out lives that he knows he could never have, being with people that he cared about, knowing that he cant ever go back to how things were. He's very lonely, bitter, and jaded at the world and others. He's closed off, quick to anger, and untrusting of others. His only real reason to keep going despite everything thats happened is bc of Lillie, as knowing that at least this way he can still protect her. He is content enough to live the rest of his life like this. Even if he has to do it alone. Trying not to think about what might happened when he finishes his mission.. but, well, life certainly has a way of surprising you. And that is the story! I admit that I am going to be very surprised to know if anyone actually read all of this, but if you did please know you have my many thanks and my apologies 😅

[armed-saphire]

Do you have any Until Dawn friendship headcannons?

not me asking for asks and then forgetting about it ok so😭 here's some misc group dynamic hcs

-I think it's less of Chris and Josh are best friends and more of Chris Josh and Ashley are a group of 3 but she's just newer to the group. And i think she spent a while being overly nice because she didn't know when they were friends enough for her to do any joke teasing but her main way of showing affection to her friends is by being a little mean. ("please tell me you're going to take a vow of silence") So when she knew she was past that barrier she felt a lot better. -Emily and Jessica have been best friends since they were like toddlers and they had eachothers touch IDs on their phones until Jessica got with Mike and Emily removed her thumbprint from her phone -Sam and Mike have known each other for years even before the friend group formed but they were never friends, just kind of ended up being around each other. And then even after the group formed they still never actually had much 1 on 1 time because Sam thought Mike was kind of a dick and he knew that Sam didnt like him very much so he kept his distance for the most part. (I just like to imagine the events of the night were their first time actually getting to know each other despite being in the same spaces that long) -Matt is in the group through Beth and Hannah really likes him so he's nice to her and hangs out with her but the friendship is a little one-sided with Hannah being more into it than Matt but he'd rather die than admit that to her because he doesn't want to be mean. (he doesn't dislike her by any means but I think she comes off a little strong) -Hannah and Sam met in middle school and related to that I think Sam hated Chris completely up until like late high school (I think he was just annoying asf and pissed her off on purpose until he kind of mellowed out) and they're better friends now. -Sam and Emily are also better friends than shown in canon (ik this is a popular one because of the matching hoodies) but after the prank they drifted apart. -I can't for the life of me picture Mike being in the group through anyone but Emily since they were together so that's all I got🤷 -Josh and Jessica aren't exactly friends imo but I think they have similar humour and they really only hang out 1 on 1 if the situation comes up like they wanna get a breather at some party or they bump into each other they'll talk for a while but they don't ever make plans. additionally to that I think after the prank they tried to keep this relationship up but they both kinda knew each other were pretending to not feel really weird about it. (Jessica more just trying to convince herself it was all fine)

-oh and this is mostly for the joke of all the reused assets but i think they all shop at the same stores and buy similar stuff like Jessica and Sam having the same skirt and stuff

[seariii]

My take on Kotoko as a morally gray person, about a morally gray character who thinks in black and white

first of all, i absolutely love this woman, so all of this comes from a kotoko enjoyer, but when talking about canon i can not turn the blind eye to the wrongs she has done. i will talk about my perception of her murder, of her as a character and about her beating up the guilty prisoners (i will put this emoji 🐺 when i jump subjects just to keep it organized)

this next phrase is my personal take, i know some will disagree with me and thats okay, which also works as a tl;dr:

Kotoko didnt do anything wrong outside the prison, but she did wrong inside of it

i know beating up people isnt actually good, but she did research upon research to get to the bottom of the cases she was investigating and found the culprits this way. "but she could've brought them upon justice" and you arent wrong about that, but the victim she actually murdered, even when his identity was revealed to the public, the law didnt bring justice upon him.

screenshots & translations from @/maristelina (i didnt put everything in here, if you wanna check all the articles, please go check on their post!)

her victim was a child murderer, he had already killed 10 girls in 2 years, but even then, he was still free because of his father’s position of power. 

then we have her other victim, the man she beat up and sent to the hospital

there are a couple articles dedicated to this one. but a quick run down: the man, Mikio Oshii, was wanted for theft and assault, having tricked at least 2 or 3 elderly people, pretending to be a bank employee, and convincing them to hand over cash, he pushed one of his victims, fracturing her ankle. 

then we have the article about Kotoko’s assault. again a quick run down: someone heard screaming and found a man lying on the ground, who had lost consciousness after being beaten up, and was taken to the hospital. the police suspects a man (kotoko was wearing men’s sneakers and covering herself up). the victim was wanted for theft and assault charges and was Mikio Oshii.

further proving that she was aiming at people who prayed on the weak, she had good intentions (at least at first), and we also have the facts that she was trying to go through the lawful(?) path at first 

she was studying law, showing us that she genuinely believed her cause, bringing justice to the world and protecting the innocent, or “weaklings” as she calls them, more on that later.  that she was gonna try and go for the morally correct route, but what changed? what is that thing she “wants to do”? i hope we get to see her reasoning on the next trial. for now i agree with the theory that says that her or her family was victim of someone like the guy that was above law for having money and a father with a position of power. showing her the flaws of the law/justice system and thus taking matters into her own hands.

🐺 i personally believe that there are some people who dont deserve second chances, like pedos and rapists, and like the man kotoko murdered, between others. so this is why i forgive her from her crimes. she did proper research, she is passionate about it, she wants to protect the weak, or thats what she tries to convince herself of, because this brings me to my next point

she does have those violent tendencies, and she enjoys them

“this feels so good”

this is from the t1 trailer, people suspect this were phrases they said after their murders. so i think there is a possibility that while she was trying to convince herself that her actions were for justice, to try and protect the weak, and i dont doubt that that was where it came from at first, she ended up doing it out of personal enjoyment.

i once read that “if you do a good deed because you want to do it, it means that you arent a good person. to be a good person you need to do good deeds without wanting something in return” meaning that you should be uninterested on even the satisfaccion of said deed. this is a phrase that i absolutely hate and dont agree with, but i think it applies in here. kotoko was trying to do something “good” (morality is on the bearer’s eyes) by bringing to justice people who kept escaping it, by taking revenge for those weaklings she so desperately wants to protect, and while thats her main motivation, she also does it because she wants to.

i believe my girl has a thirst for power. she is self righteous, the way she refers to the people she wants to protect as “weaklings” its like shes putting them down in some way, the way on her VD she just wants to keep rambling about her theories, the way she inserted herself on Mikoto’s interrogation, the way she just assumes Es’ intentions and doesnt seem to accept when they call her out on it. she doesnt listen to others at all and once her mind is set on something, there is nothing that can move her from there. she isnt a good person…. but also, she isnt a bad person, and i feel that the fandom forgets those two statements can coexist. even if she sees herself as a saint, and firmly believes that she did nothing wrong, thats because

🐺 her world view is black and white. and this is why while i condone her actions on her murder, i do not condone her actions of beating up the guilty prisoners.

a lot of the prisoners have a black and white morality, heck, milgram itself as a system IS black and white. and from what i’ve read, a lot of the fandom also thinks in black and white. all of which i find extremely… interesting…. tbf its the nd majority vote game about nd murderers on the nd website, so makes sense (im half joking, sorry)

kotoko attacked the guilty prisoners because thats what she had been doing, and thats what she got voted innocent for on t1 (i wasnt around). but no one told her to do that, she acted on her own, she misinterpreted her judgment and forced her opinions and methods on others, claiming it were Es’, without their knowledge and without ours.

as a side note, when i first got into the fandom, i found surprising to see that kotoko was inno and fuuta was guilty on t1, since from my perspective their crimes are basically the same, they both exposed and harrowed “bad” people.

i make a lot of emphasis on black and white thinking, since its something im familiarized with, for example lets talk Amane since its her trial is still going

she is the type of girl who will correct other’s mistakes, who will call them out and try to fix them so that the others can be right, like her. her truth is absolute and even when it flails, she stands her ground and proceeds to believe in herself and her views of the world. in what i said, you could re read that and it would also apply to kotoko, and just like her, Amane also convinced herself of doing something she wanted to do by telling herself it was the right thing to do. kotoko’s “protecting the weaklings” directly translates to amane’s “punishing her mother for her sins (hurting the cat)”. so while in both cases there were hidden feelings, something tells me neither of the girls knew about their own ulterior motives, thats how well they convinced themselves.

people who think in black and white just see it as it is, right or wrong, left or right, green or blue, there is no other choice but those two. and from my personal experiences with myself and with others, its something you end up applying in almost every aspect of your life and its really difficult to change up this way of thinking. beginning to see the grays of the world and its other options its not an easy task without some proper help

overall, i dont believe she was right for hurting the guilty prisoners, and fuuta losing his eye because of her gives me a horrible gut feeling. overall, it also ties on her need for power, since she firmly believes shes Es’ “fang”, thus reducing herself a weapon for justice, not implementing her own judgment anymore, but someone else’s, ours, which my problem with her actions in this scenario. i firmly believe that if outside the prison she had came across mahiru or fuuta, she wouldn’t have attacked them, but  after her t1 inno, and getting her ideals supported, her beliefs became radical, and now shes going based on our ideals, our judgments, our right or wrong, our black and white morality, MILGRAM’s black and white morality.

🐺 im still a kotoko inno truther, and i love her, shes my favorite character. but i dont expect her to get innocent this trial, as she did wrong. i dont want to say it was our fault that she harmed the other prisoners, since we had no way of knowing this would happen. in retrospect we can say whatever we want, but none of us can read the future. 

i dont even have a real argument on why you should vote her innocent “shes pretty” is not good enough lmao… but who knows, maybe we will see something that makes her worthy of an inno vote on her second trial a few months from now (not counting on it, probably wont be enough)

in the end i wrote this because im really passionate about this character and her black and white views on the world (shes so intense). and because this beautiful person @archivalofsins told me to "keep talking about kotoko" and i have zero self control regarding this fictional woman.

🐺 i believe with the help of a third party, someone who could act as a moral compass to her and could teach her that the world has more colors, more choices, and if she actually learns about this, she would end up being an amazing thing. 

also, if the theory about her being an accomplice of the serial killer turns out to be true, i will puke and cry :) 

[ganondoodle]

just to note this, as much as i love botw, i am not uncritical of it, like while i personally like the weapon breaking and rain mechanics everyone else seemed to hate i do agree that the bosses and dungeons were kinda repetetive and there could have been more bigger sidequests, some more diverse epic music tracks also wouldnt have hurt tho i fully disagree with anyone trying to claim it didnt HAVE music, im convinced those people played it with sound off bc wth (edit. plus the unfortunately still orientalist design of the gerudo plus that belly dancer outfit for link ... that thankfully got removed in totk as far as i know but the rest still stands)

personal criticism id have that i would have prefered zelda never gaining her sacred powers but instead finding a different way to fight back, bc her gaining them like that kinda made rhoams abuse .. right, like turns out to activate her powers you need to literall kill everyone she cares about (at least thats why i feel a bit meh about that), her maybe not being as sidelined like that (tho youd have to change alot for that .. which totk had the perfect chance to and then kinda did it again but worse lol) and the yiga clan being less of one little side mission

(also way too many people kept hating on botw for the same few reasons, often without giving it a chance, i think we all heard all the endless complaints about usually little things so i dont need to retread all of that)

alot of those little criticism things got adressed in totk, which i LIKED, but overall its so much less in harmony, this should have been a game about rebuilding and recovering about working together and then zelda gets immediately booted off and we get introduced to characters we never learn enough of to really care and yet they still take away the mystery botw had left us for the world to feel more alive, they ripped out parts that were so internally organically connected to the world and pretended they never mattered nor existed, characters act off and i cant help but feel like the main 'plot' is, as much as i hate to use that comparison, a badly written fanfiction ... it builds on nothing and just leaves you .. or me at least feeling empty, like i am playing through a mockery of the game i loved ... like all the fun i had thinking about the things in botw, the theories you could come up with was all wasted time

i honestly cant describe it better than totk, despite the little QoL changes, and the changes i DID like, it just feels ... empty? not in a literal way but more ... mentally? it feels so shallow? like at multiple points i felt like the game was actively mocking me, when i reached the shrine of life and was faced with barren walls and a puddle of water i felt betrayed for caring so much about what botw had done .. i felt like i could hear the game laughing while i stood there not knowing what to think of it, and while this was the time when i felt the most actually physically compeltely betrayed, that feeling of being mocked kept happening, i kept feeling like i was treated like a dumb player character that just eats up anything they say without thinking or remembering the title this was supposedly a sequel of, like i should play with the little toys of glueing things together and forget the world around me like a 5 year old

that may sound harsh but that is how i, personally, feel about it

[galaxyspark-6e16]

spoilers for the dragon prince book 6

yes yesim late life got in the way but basicly this is the season of tears, jumscares, dread and more tears..

let me explain:

e1

oh pretty sk- wait whos cryi- ohh were getting his backstory aren't we..

man i can actually feel his grief over the screen

wtf do you mean for an instant?

omg viren is dead already

IS TERRY GOING TO BE THE ONE TO FIND HIS CORPSE!! NO HES BEEN THROUGH ENOUGH ALREADY

WAIT WHAT

aww i love their relationship terry and viren the come so far

ohhhhhhhh yeah i kind though there 

rip sir sparklepuff

honestly viren if you had your redemption arc earlier you couldve avoided this outcome but also it not entirely on you since sacrifice in your family is kinda tradition at tis point

prop for viren for taking responsibility but this is just going to damage his relationship with claudia whos going to see her efforts were for nothing

god that claudia cry.. her VA is nailing it

pff oh opeli so much to catch up on

ohh yeah callum def susceptible to aaravos call

o right zubeia was infected..damn i kinda forgot about her please let her be okay

nooo callum nnooooooo

oh that was a jumpscare

haha rayla

he took our blankie man hahaha

and soren too the comedy of this show

damn baker didnt know you were that innovative

ohh claudia jumpscare

for a minute i she was gonna do something to terry bt her leaving nim first is surprising, but unexpected. everyone has left her entire life so her leaving first as a way to protect herself is just soo heartbreaking AAAGGHHGGRR

terry convince her please shes not alone.. he truly loves her even at her darkest

e2

ohhhhhh are we gonna get a civil war?

oh claudia is now his pawn now

oohhh corvus is back yyeahhhhh

and the dynamic duo is formed

man thing are that dire in lux aurea

oh its not your fault you did your best to be fair and just is not your fault there were traitors among you

corvus on making sure soren doesn’t poisen himself 

and it seem he used to soren shenanigans at this point

aw ezra comforting zym as they say goodnight

best duo EVER

ohhh janai of course amaya has faith in you don’t ever doubt that

the parallels of janai and karem speech and cause between truust and devotion just sooo 

oh thank god zubeia is ok bt won’t be at full capacity anytime soon

awwww its confirmed ezren and zym brothers coded yeah

awww wedding time

e3

it doesn't aspire me all those flashback of callum slowly using dark maic as aaravoos is lurking man i really fishy

aww terry waiting for claudia 

really smooth callum

whoa never seen terry this focus on magic

GASP claudia!!!

o misteri sip

aww look how terry is gently taking care of her the details..he truly loves her

tHE HAIRCUT!!!! 

callum know well hos to rizz up 

!!!! lore?!

me too stella and sneezle me too

damn little matchmaker

AAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

GASP so thats what he was doing making her a prosthetic leg ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

and the way she started to walk towards him am i really for the antagonists, yes i am

mom and dad are fighting

and that promise is back..

viren§?! oh you werent kidding oh you going to face a lot of judgement

e4

its gleaming time!

ohhhh claudia the darkness is showing

oh boy here comes sol regem

wait what?? 

are celestial elves startouch or sky cause its starting to confuse me

wai is that viren staff?!

i really thought sol regem wised p in the years but is still led by his anger and misdjugement

cool a prophecy

oh soren you in for a surprise 

e5

oh soren going through the emotional toll

honestly not sure about this prophecy

oh soren, he finally got the recognition and approval of his father buut all the abuse and gashlight made him wary of him and can’t believe a good thinng viren says about him

so much lore!!! 

they can finally see

wait wdym darkness noooo

damn viren youre relly milking this whole remorse thing

e6

aguh i knew it i hoped i was wrong of course aaravos manipulated to take the fake pearl

whhats with the black and white shift?

ohhhh we re getting the origins of viren and how he started this path

ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh so kosmo saw the future and saw the possibility of telling the actual truth thats really clever writing

aww viren and harrow were really good friends (and unknowingly setting him down the path of darkness 

no callum you need to believe in yourself to find your truth- WHOA HEY YOURE FALLING

even if she understood why yo did wat yo did it was still orrendce what you did to get her tears now wonder she left even if you regret it back then and now it still not an excuse

gasp theres a star for you AWWW ITS RAYLA

SHES YOUR ONE TRUTH Ah

i think he did the right thing by not telling the truth to soren because as kosmo said are you helping or just shifting the blame and burden

 YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY EVEN THE PETS ARE CHERING

and at least it ends on a happy note

e7

red wedding wh is it called th- ooohh nnooo

aww rayllum

ohh no not the sunnfire elves conflicts

ah anya back

clouds?? feels like an omen..

aawww gren he was there since the beginning of course hes gonna get emotional 

aww ezren i know you want to help but karim isnt going to listen be careful

pff not now gren 

am i cryingover the vows? yes aghgghrhhu

yeah YEAH THEYRE MARRIED AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

OHHH NOOOOOOOOOOOOO THE RED WEDDING NOOOOOOOO

Wait what happened

wait is his plan was to take vengeance on the humans? or aaravos is controling him??

e8

the title man…

oh hes really wants revenge

soren NO

wow soren really has grown up he really is the crownsguard

gasp he going to save his father

ahhhhh better yet using dark magic to save them bt i dont think viren will do it soren

NOOOOOOOOOO SOREN NOOOOO

OH VIREN 

one thing for certain, he truly loved his family…and his last word…

oh of corse aaravos was beid all of this

ohhhh what truth

seriously what happened back then

and now claudia 

and now she s vulnerable

ohh lujanne we missed you

oh noo the ca ol save two

e9

is the title reference to the first line in the premiere?

 hahe terry face soo done with aaravos bullshit

wait wat- bAWWWWW WAIT LIKE THE STAR? theyyyre connected

never thought i a see soft dad aaravos

o raylla

waiit so leola was the catalyst to the madness that followed??

that kinda explains why he hates sol, because he snitched

is rayla parents about to cross over??

how could they doo that, she just a child scared and wants her father to protect her

so thats why he cried in the beginning

sp she became a star- ahh no which is far worse

and bro took cry me a river to whole other level which is testament that he couldnt go on without her..man

come on runnan come back

gaps shes your daughter awwww

yeah go back to the living

terry has a point, as much as aaravos is doing it for love for leola, hes doing it in revenge to those who wrong him and honestly he not wrong but how do you deal with grief and unjust retribution czasted upon you, who teared his world appart, sorta like viren for what he did to save soren

wow im seeing parallels two spells to bring back the dead one for for love and one for misguided justice

“love is the star of life” wow 

ohh terry

oh nno here comes news of the fall

we re getting a magical girl resurrection wait he’s a giant?!

nooooooooooooo and it ends here whhyyyyy

and all of this started with the death of a child..