#she doesnt like anything she doesnt like food she doesnt want things weve tried my entire life

[hyfaesyren]

i need to get the fuck out of here

[3s-diary]

woah, its novemeber and i remember writing the holiday report posts in bio class after the holidays, then forgot to do the rest of it, which is okay however, that was a whilw ago but the quick recap is in week 5 i went to the netherlands which was partly really nice bc i hung with my homie there and partly really awful bc i. felt so dysphoric and lonely that i cried a lot and stared at the. wall or ran away from the restaurant once so no one would notice. overall i was happy to be gone from home tho and had a few happy moments, im really thankful for being able to go. since we both graduate next year, i hope the person i always meet there and me will see each other again at all. just one day after i went back home me and my friends left to go to a youuth hostel which was really just a fever dream. on the train ride there dipsy was anxious and nauseous all the time bc she gets like insanely scared of being late or anything. when we were there however we hung in the hostel, the food was okay(im a picky eater so that was a big worry) and we went to the store to get snacks and stuff to drink.the next day we tried to go to a nearby memorial, which didnt work bc we didnt get how the bus traffic worked at all, which is why we got really frustrated and me and dipsy wanted to gi home whilw pou wanted to keep trying and we just sorta went home pissed and did nothing afterwards and i was really depressed as soon as i had alone time and any thoughts passed my head. every "social break" we took, was sorta dipsys decision and she either went for a walk or watched shameless whilw pou slept and i listened to music and overthought. i didn't like them, but well come to that. im not quite sure anymore, but i think we went for a run afterwards which was really okay and then (after i almost had a breakdown over the community showers, but i lickily managed to shower when no one was there) went to dinner. i think during that as well as after pou started crying, which she did often (or had general emotional outbursts) which me and dipsy sometimws didn't know how to handle, for my part ir was especially because i was very deep inside my own problems and couldn't even care for myself. then we started drinking and after we got in a fight again we went for a huge walk in the middle of the night and i told them all the things ive never told noone before, like my eating issues and the stuff about my relation to men , and essentially all the stuff that happened with my ex bsf as well as every thing that happened with my dad and mom. (yeah, in the middle of the night, wasted, in a city weve never been before). i still dk how to feel abt that but they tried to understand, and pou told us about how she doesnt get along with her dad and about all the boys who were assholes towards. her. it was really,,, weird somehow how we just spilled everything we stfu about before all at once, I don't even know what else to say about that but it was just . a situation.

the next day we went to the city and ate pitza as well as got funny little drinks and walked around. in the evening we (for WHATEVER REASON) decided to walk to the memorial we couldnt get to before so we started going at like 11pm. however when we already walked for a bit dipsy said we should return bc its like totally unsafe and we could break our legs(bc the route was really leading up a hill and through a forest) and i was really mad bc we just decided altogether to go there, however i was so emotionally drained that i had no energy to really even argue. pou got really pissed as well and they argued whilw i felt like just disappearing tbh. we ended up going, on the way there i started crying and when they asked what was wrong i tried to explain how ive been feeling to drained and lonely all along and thought it would get better here but it didnr and i cant do this anymore ans they hugged me but didn't know what to say so we kept walking vut i couldnt stop crying and didnr wanna talk to them. the 2 of them tried talking out some of our conflicts, which wouldve been nice to see but i didnr partake bc all i wanted to do was die and idk tgose 1.5 hours we walked in the dark were a huge fever dream, all i didn was wish i was dead and cry my eyes out .whwn we got there it was cool, i managed to stop crying at some point. we literally walked back on a street without a side walk so wehad to jump into the bushes everytime there was a car, which was so weird and dipsy was so anxious about it and the conversations we had were really weird kinda and idk what the hell was up. we found a few books on the street which pou wanted to take with her but we thought it was creepy (and nowadays everything is a sex trafficking method,so...) so we talked her out of it and we got in a fight abt that and then we got into a fight about ehich time we should get up cus we had to check out at 9 am. like. whatever the next day dipsy was anxious throuufhtout the whole trip again but yeah we got home. that was our trip together and its the weirdest thing thats ever happened to me, i also feel like it wouldve wenr a lot different if all of use wozldve been in a better mental state, we always sorta fuck up hangouts when at least one of us is doing bad, it just really ruins it. but yeah we were home.

[captaindeanwinchesterforever]

Don’t Leave Me pt. 2

I just want to thank all of you who like to read my writing. I appreciate all the support! I hope y'all like this one. Love you guys!

Pairing: None at the moment *wink wink*

Warnings: some angst, some fluff, and a little bit of cussing

Summary: You are left having to deal with the aftermath of Gabriel’s death, but thank goodness you have a knight in shining armor.

Word count: 2,180

        I pulled into the garage of the bunker and parked my truck beside the Impala. I shut the engine off and sat there a few seconds to collect my thoughts. I got out of my truck and started to open the door to the bunker when I heard laughing and celebrating. It sounded like a fucking party. I was aggravated, but I knew that these people we brought back to this world didn’t kill Gabriel, so I didn’t need to take my anger out on them. I opened the door to see everyone having a great time. There was beer and food, people laughing and smiling at the victory they just had. I couldn’t be a part of the celebration, so I kept my head down and headed straight to my room. I hoped that Dean and Sam wouldn’t notice I was back. As long as I could stay out of their sight, I would be okay.

           “(Y/N)! Wait, please.” I forgot about the angel… I just kept walking, but Cas caught up with me and grabbed my wrist to stop me.

           “Cas, please let go of me.” I didn’t mean to snap at him, but I just couldn’t be in that room anymore.

           “I know you are hurting right now. I just want you to know that I am here for you. I’m sor…” I cut him off.

           “Don’t say it. I don’t need that right now.” I turned and glared at him with anger. My expression went from furious to sorrowful in less than a second.

           “I’m sorry, Cas. I know you’re only trying to help me and be a good friend. I really appreciate you being here for me, but I don’t need anyone’s pity. Just know that I love you and you are one of the most important people in my life. I just need some space right now. I’ll be okay.” I smiled and leaned in and gave him a peck on the cheek. I turned around and made a beeline to my room.

           I walked in and slammed the door behind me. I leaned back against it and slid down to the floor. Tears began to flow from my eyes. I had to put on a good face for the boys, but when I was behind closed doors, I could let everything out.

Sam’s POV

            I looked up when I heard the door open to the bunker. It was (Y/N). She was trying to make her way past everyone, and I assumed that she was making her way to her room. All I wanted to do is comfort her, but I knew how she was, and she wasn’t going to let any weakness show. I heard Cas yell out to her and grab her wrist. I grimaced a little thinking that Cas was about to get decked in the face, but to my surprise she didn’t do anything. I could hear a little bit of their conversation. I heard Cas try to tell her he was sorry, but she cut him off and the look she gave him was terrifying. If looks could kill that one definitely would have. Then I saw (Y/N)’s facial expression change. She regretted what she said to Cas and she said something that I couldn’t hear. She leaned up to Cas’ cheek and gave him a kiss. Then off she went to the only safe place she thought she had left.

           “Cas was real brave grabbing her arm like that.” I looked over and saw Dean standing beside me.

           “Yeah, real brave… I don’t know what to do for her, Dean. I know she wants to be alone, but I can’t just sit here and let her go through this alone. Hell, we both know how it feels to lose someone like that.” I was aggravated with everything going on, but especially that (Y/N) had to lose someone she loved. If I was being completely honest, I was pissed at Gabriel for putting her through this again.

           “I don’t know, Sammy. That’s a bit risky. Don’t get me wrong, I love (Y/N) just as much as the rest of us do but she’s different. She doesn’t like to show weakness. Hell Sam, that was the first time I had ever seen her cry. We’ve all tried to comfort her at some point, and you were able to for a little bit, but we both know that the only one that could calm her down is gone. If you feel like you need to help her then you should do it, but if you do you may not like the answer you get.” Dean has always cautioned me about (Y/N) and how she was, but it’s never scared me away. I know she isn’t like other women and I think that’s why I am drawn to her. I have always had feelings for (Y/N), but she loved Gabriel and I couldn’t live with myself if I ruined that.

           I couldn’t stand there anymore, I had to go help her. I took off through the war room and down the hall way towards (Y/N)’s bedroom. Once I reached her room, I stood there for a second. I could hear something coming from the other side of the door. I put my ear up to it and listened. It was her crying. She was trying to hold her sobs back, but she was failing.

           I took a deep breath and knocked on the door. “(Y/N), it’s Sam. I just wanted to come and check on you. Can I please come in?”

(Y/N)’s POV

I was sitting on the floor sobbing when I heard a knock on my door. It startled me a little bit. I should’ve known that someone would come and find me.

           “(Y/N), it’s Sam. I just wanted to come and check on you. Can I please come in?” Of course, it was Sam. I thought I had slipped past him without him seeing me. I got up off the floor and wiped my eyes. I took a few deep breaths and opened the door.

           “Sam, I’m fine. I just want to be alone right now. I don’t want anyone around me right now. I think its best that you leave.” I felt awful being this hateful towards Sam, but he doesn’t need to see me like this. He definitely didn’t need to waste his time on me. I just wanted him to go celebrate and be happy. I went to close the door in his face, but he stopped it with his hand.

           “(Y/N), I just wanted to come and see how you were doing. You were gone for a while and I was worried. I didn’t know where you had gone.” He was so sincere, but I needed him to leave. I wasn’t worth his time or effort. I wasn’t worth fixing.

           “I appreciate that, but I’m good.” I had an agitated tone in my voice. Even with the hateful tone, he was patient.

           “We could just hang out like we used to. It was fun watching movies and talking to you. We used to talk about anything and everything. I just want to help you.” He was trying so hard to help me. I remember how much fun we used to have after I lost Gabriel the first time. Sam was always there. Through my good days and my dark days. I depended on him a little more than I would’ve liked to admit. My feelings for him started to change and I pushed them down. He wouldn’t want this hot mess. He was just being nice, and Sam deserved a whole hell of a lot better than me. As soon as these feelings started, they disappeared, because that’s when Gabriel came back into my life.

           “I don’t need you to save me again, Sam. I definitely don’t need a babysitter. I’ll be fine.” I sounded like a real bitch. If I didn’t feel bad before, I definitely feel bad now. I could see the annoyed look on his face.

           “(Y/N), listen. I get what you’re going through and I get you want to be alone, but I think being alone is the last thing you need to be right now. All I want to do is help you and all you do is push me away. I see straight through that act you put on for everyone else. I’m your friend (Y/N) and I care about you. So please just let me help you!” Sam had never raised his voice at me before. I could feel the tears well up in my eyes. I tried to hold them back, but one fell down my cheek. I saw the regret on Sam’s face for what he did. He started to apologize, but I quickly wrapped my arms around his waist and buried my face in his chest. He engulfed me in his arms and I finally felt safe again, just like before.

           “I’m sorry, Sam. Can you stay here with me for a little while?” I just wanted his company, nobody else’s just his. Sam shook his head yes and we walked into the room and closed the door behind us.

           Sam and I were laying on our backs staring up at the ceiling of my room. We were just kind of enjoying each other’s company, not really talking until I spoke up.

           “I’m sorry I was so mean to you earlier. I don’t know how to act or feel about what just happened. I want to believe that Gabriel is alive, but I have a gut feeling that he’s actually gone this time. I’m furious with him for doing this to me again, but most importantly I want to kill Michael. I want revenge Sam and I’ve never felt like this before. I’m overwhelmed with all the different thoughts going through my head. What’s even worse is that I have been such an awful friend to you, and you didn’t deserve any of it. Sam, you’re the only one I can be myself with and you have no idea how important that is to me. There are no words to describe how sorry I am to have put you through so much. I don’t deserve to have a friend like you.” I had rolled over on my side facing Sam while I said this. I really didn’t deserve him. The fact he still wanted to help me after I was such a bitch to him made me appreciate him even more. He rolled over to face me and looked at me for a second with his sad puppy dog eyes.

           “(Y/N), you don’t need to be sorry. I don’t blame you for what you said or how you acted. I would have done the same thing. I understand why our friendship changed when Gabriel came back. You loved each other and he had just stepped back into your life. I don’t blame you for wanting to spend all your time with him. You’re very special to me (Y/N) and I just don’t want you to feel like you have to go through this alone. I was there for you then and I am here for you know. I always will be. As for Michael, he isn’t coming back (Y/N). He is stuck in that other world with Lucifer. Where I hope they’ll rip each other apart.” He reached up and tucked some stray hairs behind my ear. I couldn’t help but smile. Sam made me feel safe and he took care of me.

           “Thank you, Sam.” I smiled at him and nuzzled myself up against his body. He wrapped his arms around me and held me tight. Right before I fell asleep, I heard him whisper something, but I couldn’t quite make out the words.

Sam’s POV

           (Y/N) snuggled herself up to me and I wrapped my arms around her. I missed this so much. I missed the smell of her hair, how warm her body was against mine, the conversations we used to have, but most importantly I missed her. I felt like I could fly. The smile on my face was never going to leave. (Y/N) deserved so much better than what her life has handed her. She was rough around the edges and often put up a wall to keep people out, but under all that she had the most beautiful soul. I had never had feelings like this for any other woman, she was everything to me.

           I could tell (Y/N) was starting to fall asleep, so I pulled her in closer. Her face was buried into the crook of my neck. Her breathing started to slow, and I could tell she had finally fallen asleep. I kissed the top of her head and whispered, “I promise to always take care of you and never leave you. I love you, (Y/N). I always have.”

           I could feel my eyes starting to get heavy. I didn’t want to leave her, so I rested my head on her pillow and drifted off to sleep.

[thelifetimechannel]

In this week’s bonus content, Dave places prank orders on the local carapacian message boards.

JAKE: Ms roxys mom!! JAKE: Is it true your girlfriends a vampire? ROSE: Last time I checked. ROSE: To be technical, the Alternian term is "rainbow drinker". ROSE: There are some differences, but if you're going for "attractive young woman who drinks blood", you're on the money. ROSE: Similar to the way "Ms Roxys mom" is on the money, but the term I'm used to is "Rose". JAKE: Its polite for one to wait until such a time as one had been introduced. JAKE: As such im jake. Dont believe weve yet spoken! ROSE: No, not directly, unless we've exchanged witticisms in a memo somewhere. ROSE: I've lost track of those. ROSE: I think they've become independent sentient creatures. ROSE: As such, they must be allowed to flourish on their own, making their own decisions. ROSE: They're grown up now. They can make their own choices. JAKE: Just walkin off all on their lonesome huh? JAKE: Godspeed to you memos. What happens in you stays in you. ROSE: With a tear in my eye, I waved them off to memo university, where they'll learn hard truths about themselves while obtaining an education. JAKE: I hear theyre going into the communications field. Good for them! ROSE: I expect great things of them. ROSE: And plenty of tawdry hijinks. ROSE: But if you've been reading them, you'll notice we already have those. ROSE: Dave tried to order a pizza from a carapace agent. JAKE: He what. JAKE: Can you do that? ROSE: Dersites have their own message boards. Mostly focused on fashion, apparently, but you can post whatever you like. ROSE: I doubt he received his delivery. JAKE: Do carapaces have pizzerias and if so what the heck have i been doing with reheated alchemized food for the past five months? JAKE: I am alas a deprived man. I never knew what i was missing until jane started bussing us the captchas for her home cooking. ROSE: Honestly? I have no idea. ROSE: I did roam Derse for a few months in another timeline, but I didn't have culinary experiences on the mind. ROSE: I can relate, though. ROSE: Most of my background was in microwave dinners. ROSE: Which I look back on with fondness now, after what we've been subsisting on for the last few years. ROSE: Which brings us back to the original topic, more or less. ROSE: Yes, this outfit has vampires now. That's a thing that we have. JAKE: Man. You guys were off having all the fun on the magical hijinks. JAKE: Not that tomb raiding wasnt a blast but you know there were no vampires. ROSE: As many of the more romantic novels would suggest, it's a bit of a burden. ROSE: But an asset if you want to keep your plans after being shot through the abdomen, or so she tells me. JAKE: So does it come with the unholy cravings and aversion to the daylight or is this weird alien vampiracy? ROSE: Actually, she's one of the few of her kind that enjoys the sun. ROSE: As for unholy cravings... ROSE: That depends on your definition. ROSE: *eyebrow waggle* JAKE: Er. JAKE: The blood drinking i meant the blood drinking!! JAKE: Gosh what you two do together is your own private matter. *tugs collar of god tier cape.* ROSE: She's working on that. ROSE: She won't go for your jugular without permission, if that's what you're worried about. JAKE: Good to know. Im not presently in a state of mind where id be interested. ROSE: Not that many people enjoy the subtle pleasures of being lunch. JAKE: I am an open-minded man. JAKE: But i dont think im into vore. ROSE: Based on what I've heard of the clutter in Jade's home, you may have been into just about everything else. ROSE: But then, fetishes don't always cross universes. JAKE: ! JAKE: Hey now no fair going through a mans dirty laundry! JAKE: What if i dragged out your alt-selves smut rags? ROSE: Relax. I've never seen any of it first hand. ROSE: The three who traveled with access to the house, on the other hand... ROSE: Also, I have smut rags? ROSE: Where are they? ROSE: I must see these immediately. ROSE: I wonder if I had the same usernames. JAKE: Funnily enough i hear you were specialized in vampire penny dreadfuls with real gals of the shadows. JAKE: Roxy did some digging and uncovered one of your many many psuedonyms. ROSE: I'll give you a king's ransom to get me copies and make sure my brother never finds out about this. ROSE: It's bad enough he uncovered my fanfiction.net account. JAKE: I will exchange it for your silence on whatever youve heard on alt-mes personal life. JAKE: Especially to dirk! JAKE: Well dirk... dirks one matter but definitely not hal. JAKE: Ill find some way to bribe jade and the rest. ROSE: I'll keep what I know hush hush. ROSE: Jade was evasive, though. ROSE: Mostly because she didn't want anyone to know you were dead. ROSE: I do know you had a passion for washed out blue pictures of women, though. I'll keep mum on that. ROSE: And the potential of illegitimate children scattered around the tri-state area. ROSE: You should always be careful about giving your full name to people over the Internet. Sometimes they do some digging. JAKE: Wait what. JAKE: What?? JAKE: Never mind i dont want to know! JAKE: Dirk wasnt exactly pleased about his alt self but as both men are apparently very very dead their checkered pasts shall lie with them. ROSE: As befits them. ROSE: Jade did use your past behavior to shame me, I'm afraid to say. ROSE: But it was yours, not his, and it was mostly to dissuade me from my familial path of jumping out the relationship plane without a parachute. ROSE: Apparently my genes don't have the monopoly on that kind of extreme evasive technique. JAKE: Oh... JAKE: Oh great. JAKE: Im an example. JAKE: A "cautionary tale" even!! JAKE: Madam let me just briefly say that by our deep emotional conversations that it does in fact take two to tango! JAKE: I wasnt the one who burned that particular bridge anyway. ROSE: Don't worry, we're all cautionary tales at this point. ROSE: That's what mythology is all about. ROSE: Respect your elders. Stay away from taboos. Don't have sex with cows. ROSE: The lessons from Greek mythology alone are practically endless. JAKE: The ol boys sound like they knew how to party. ROSE: That and not much else. JAKE: Did they do anything but go on adventures and cheese off the gods? JAKE: And hoe down like there was no tomorrow? ROSE: There were a lot of curses. ROSE: Our family tree may be just as convoluted, but hopefully we can avoid some of the drama. JAKE: I hope we got that out of our system now without having to see a man about a horse. ROSE: I think we've done a decent job of it. ROSE: I heard all of you had a blowout. ROSE: Two blowouts actually. ROSE: An emotional one and then a physical one. ROSE: We felt the aftershocks of the latter. JAKE: Yeah... JAKE: But we worked it out. JAKE: The physical blowout was the result of teamwork and friendship! JAKE: The emotional one not so much but its ok now! ROSE: That's been the story of our lives so far. JAKE: Just give dirk a hug if you get the chance ok? JAKE: He needs it. ROSE: Would he appreciate it? ROSE: I know my brother is worse than a bad kudzu infestation, but my ectofather seems standoffish. JAKE: No no trust me on this one hes on you he doesnt want to let go. JAKE: He just has a hard time initiating is all. JAKE: But hes down for some awesome platonic embraces almost all the time. ROSE: I see... ROSE: I'm spotting the problem. ROSE: We may be too alike. Someone else may have to lift our arms and gently wrap us around each other. ROSE: Then, once the hug is properly secured, it can become self-sustaining. ROSE: Maybe. JAKE: I will have to be the middle man then. ROSE: You'll broker our accord. ROSE: Anyway, unlike our illustrious Greek forebears, we're not myths written down. We can break our patterns. ROSE: I think we've already begun. ROSE: If I have to learn to initiate physical contact while not three sheets to the wind, maybe that's another step in the right direction. JAKE: I will be the one delicately managing the lamprey tendrils of strider-lalonde limbs. ROSE: Will you now? JAKE: I mean. Why not? ROSE: Far be it from me to impede on awkward sibling hugs. ROSE: I'll look forward to it.

[queen-of-deans-booty]

All Hell Breaks Loose Part One- Part 2

Pairing: Dean x Reader

Word Count: 2,091

Warnings: Typical Supernatural violence, language, angst, minor character death, blood, you know the usual

Author’s Note: I do not own anything from Supernatural. All credit goes to their respective owners. If you’re a junkie for this sort of thing, then a tag list is the right thing for you! If you want to be a Queen, I’ll add you to that list too! Any and all comments on these are appreciated. I really want to hear what you guys think about this one!

AHHHH This season is almost done!!!!! Just ONE more episode left! If you’ve been catching along with this series, this and the next episodes is what I wan to hear your thoughts on!

Feedback is the glue that holds my writing together.

Tags at the bottom

“Sam, please tell me you’ve read about that kind of demon before because I haven’t.” You said, stopping when everyone was outside.

“I think that was an Acheri which is a demon that disguises itself as a little girl. However, that doesn’t tell us where we are,” Sam said, looking at everyone. You looked at Andy who wasn’t paying attention.

“Andy, you with us?” You asked.

“Yeah, just wait a second… I’m still working over the fact that demons are real.” He said with a huff. You nodded and Sam took the lead as he walked through the town.

“Sam, why don’t we just leave? I’m sure there’s a road that is kind of near us somewhere.” You said, walking a little in front of him.

“I knew it was a good thing we didn’t kill you,” Jake said with a smile. You rolled your eyes but kept your mouth shut. “I like her idea.”

“That demon might come back. Plus, how can we leave when we don’t know where we are?” Sam said, stopping in front of an old bell tower. On top, a rusty bell was hanging by a wooden structure.

“That’s an old bell.” You said, noticing just how much rust was on there.

“I’ve seen that bell before. I think I know where we are: Cold Oak, South Dakota. It’s a town that was so haunted, every single person fled.” Sam said, looking at everyone.

“Swell. Good to know we’re somewhere so historical.” Ava said, sarcastically.

“Why in the world would that demon or whatever put us here?” Lily asked.

“I’m wondering the same thing.” Sam muttered.

“You know what? It doesn’t matter. Clearly, the only sane thing to do here is get the hell out of Dodge.” Lily said, scoffing.

“Wait, hold on. Lily, the only way out is through miles of woods. Plus, we don’t know if that demon will come back or if there is more of them.” Sam tried to reason with her but she wasn’t having any of it.

“He’s right, Lily, we should stick together.” Jake started to say but Lily interrupted him.

“Don’t say “we”! I’m not part of “we”. I have nothing in common with any of you.” Lily said, backing up a little from the group.

“Okay, look, now I know…”

“No, you don’t know! I accidentally touched my girlfriend.” Lily said, getting emotional. You frowned and bit your lip, feeling bad for her.

“I’m sorry.” You said, breaking the silence, making her look at you.

“Whatever. I feel like I’m in a nightmare, and it just keeps getting worse and worse.”

“And you don’t think we aren’t in one as well? I watched the life go out in my own mother’s eyes because of me. Because I was supposed to be dead instead of her. How do you think I felt? So, don’t think for one second, your life could be worse than ours when you know nothing about me or Sam or even Ava, Jake or Andy. Because you don’t. Now, the best thing is sticking together. Do I make myself clear?” You said, glaring at her. She stared at you, trying to figure out if you were joking but when she decided, she sighed.

“Fine.” She said, crossing her arms. You nodded and walked ahead of the group, the rest of them following you.

“So, in the meantime, we are looking for iron, silver, salt, or any kind of weapon.” Sam instructed.

“Salt is a weapon?” Jake asked.

“Yeah, it is with demons.” You said, making him look at you.

“Well, let’s hope food is a weapon because I am starving.” Andy said. You chuckled but didn’t say anything as you walked into a building to start looking for things. You thought it would be best to start with the building that looked like a café or a diner since salt would hopefully be in here.

You’ve been searching for a while now, partnering up with Sam and Ava since you didn’t trust any of the other people.

“You really think Dean is okay?” Sam asked you.

“I hope. I can’t even imagine what he’s thinking right now or where he is or who he’s with.” You said with a sigh, seeing a knife on the ground. You bent down and picked it up, examining it. You handed it to Sam and he took it, wiping off the dust. You looked over at Ava and frowned when she seemed to be in pain.

“Ava? You alright?” At the mention of her name, Sam looked over at her in confusion.

“Yeah, I don’t know, just a little dizzy.” She said, rubbing the sides of her head.

“Are you sure it’s not some kind of vision?” Sam asked.

“No, it’s more like I would kill for a sandwich right now. I can’t remember the last time I’ve eaten. Don’t worry about me. I’m fine.” She said with a sigh.

“You guys!” You heard Andy say from outside. “I found something!” You, Ava and Sam rushed outside where Andy and Jake stood. Andy smiled as he held up two bags.

“Salt!” He said with a smile.

“That’s great, Andy. Now we can all… Wait, where’s Lily?” Sam asked, noticing the group had one less person.

“Lily?” Ava called out.

“Lily!!” You yelled but no response was given. It was dead silent but then, out of nowhere, you heard the giggle of a little girl come from nearby. You didn’t want to know what happened but you had to and so the group followed the noise to the old bell.

You gasped in shock when you saw Lily there, hanging by a noose from the bell.

“Oh, my God! Okay, that’s officially— Sam, she’s dead! She’s dead! You said we were chosen for a reason. That is not chosen! That’s killed! Okay, we have to get out of here.” Ava said, freaking out.

“No, Ava, we can’t. She wanted to leave but she was killed for it. I don’t think there are multiple demons here. I think it’s just the one and it’s not going to let us leave.” You said, looking at Sam since he always knew what to do.

“Alright, it’s trying to attack us so we need to gear up for the next attack.” Sam said.

“Gear up? I’m not a solider, I can’t do that.” Ava said, her eyes wide.

“Well, you are now. You kind of don’t have a choice unless you want to die. You see, Sam and I have been doing this all of our lives so it’s best to listen to us.” You said to her, earning a grunt.

“I’ll get her down.” Jake said, already on the job.

“I wish I could call Dean. He’d know what to do.” You said, biting your lip. You got tears at the thought of him scared and alone.

“Wait just a second,” Andy said, realizing something. “I’ve never tried it long-distance before, but do you have anything of Dean’s on you? Like, something he touched?” You looked at Sam and he shook his head. You bit your lip and took off the flannel you were wearing.

“This is his shirt.” You handed the shirt to Andy and he did this thing. He closed his eyes and concentrated really hard, clutching the shirt tightly. He handed it back to you and you immediately put it on, missing the warmth it gave.

“Did it work?” You asked.

“It should have.” Andy said with a shrug.

“Well, then I guess all we can do right now is get ready for the next attack.” You said, noticing that Jake came back to the group.

“So, what else do we need?” Andy asked.

“Iron would be great. I saw some barn have iron bars on machines. That will work.” You said with a shrug, looking at Sam.

“Alright, I’m going to go with Jake and get those bars. Y/N, why don’t you go with Ava and Andy to salt some of those houses.” Sam suggested.

“No, Sam, I’m going with you.” You said, leaving no discussion. He sighed and he nodded, taking you and Jake with him to the barn while Ava and Andy left to the houses. You walked inside the barn and sighed when you saw how much harder it would be to get the bars off.

But that was no problem for Jake since he strolled past you and to the machine, ripping off the iron rods with his bare hands. You and Sam stared at him, stunned.

“Oh, don’t worry, I’m not Superman or anything. It’s no big deal.” Jake said, shrugging it off.

“Not a big deal? You just ripped that thing off with your bare hands.” You said, lightly scoffing.

“Well, it started when I was in Afghanistan. You know, the headaches were always common but then the accident happened. A guy flipped his vehicle and got pinned underneath. I just lifted the damn thing off him like it weighed nothing. I had no idea what was going on but everyone said it was just my adrenaline.”

“I’m guessing there is more to the story?” You said, taking the rods from him.

“Yeah, I bench-pressed 800 pounds, stone cold calm. I never told anyone, of course.” Jake chuckled.

“Wow. Overwhelming.” You said with a nod. You realized now that he could have killed you if he squeezed hard enough on your throat.

“Listen, I’m sorry about earlier. I was scared and when a demon tells you to do something, you do it. I don’t want to kill you. You seem pretty nice.” Jake apologized. You bit your lip, sensing something off with him but you needed to work together and being suspicious won’t help that.

“I appreciate it.” You said with small smile.

“And look, I appreciate what you and Sam are doing.”

“What are we doing?” You asked.

“Keeping calm. Keeping them calm. Especially considering how freaked to hell you two really are. I’ve been in some deep crap before myself. I know the look.”

“We’ve been doing it a long time so keeping calm is kind of our façade that we manage to uphold.” You said with a dry chuckle. Sam didn’t say anything else and he sighed, gathering the rest of the weapons Jake managed to break off the machines.

You two left the barn and walked to the house that Ava and Andy would be setting up. It was getting pretty dark out and you needed your sleep or else you wouldn’t be able to do your job properly. After lining the areas with salt, everyone sat on something remotely comfortable. Sam was the first one to be out like a light.

“You know, Ava, I don’t know if Sam told you this but there is something you should know about your fiancé.” You said to her, whispering so that you didn’t wake Sam.

“What is it? Is he okay?” She asked, worried for him.

“When we went back to your house to look for you, um, he didn’t make it. I’m sorry.” You said with a sigh. She started crying, upset over the news. She didn’t say anything but went to bed, crying herself to sleep.

You sighed and laid on your makeshift bed, deciding it would be best if you got some sleep like the rest.

“Wakey wakey.” You heard a voice call out. You groaned, opening your eyes a bit. It couldn’t have been morning already, you just went to sleep. When you caught the figure who was calling you, your eyes widened and you scrambled to get up.

“Sam!” You yelled, looking over at am who was still sleeping. You frowned and looked back at the yellow-eyed demon.

“He can’t hear you.” He said with a chuckle.

“What the fuck do you want? Here to kill me, again? Because look how well that turned out for you last time.” You said with an eye roll.

“You know, I could and that would be fun but I don’t have to. One of these other people will, when I’m done with them. You see, only one of you are getting out of this town and it isn’t going to be you.” He said with a sick grin.

“I’m going to fucking kill you.” You growled.

“Yeah, I would love to see you try when you wake up.” He chuckled, taking a seat on an empty table.

“Get out of my head.” You said with a glare.

“See you in hell.” He said with a grin.

The Queens:

@maddieburcham1 @ginamsmith​ @mogaruke​ @whit85-blog​ @inlovewithbja​ @spn67-sister​ @kdfrqqg​ @jarpadandjensenaremyheroes​ @roxyspearing​ @supercalifragilistic26 @mishamigose​ @cobrakai1967​ @essie1876​ @wishedworld​ @crispychrissy​ @laqueus-ludovicus​ @nostalgic-uncertainty​ @jerk-bitch-and-an-angel​ @potterhead1265​ @starswirlblitz​  @untitled39887​ @ta-n-ja​ @deans-fallen-angel-boy @scarletluvscas @notnaturalanahi​ @tahbehonest​ @stay-in--place​ @dreaminofdean @posiemax​ @donnaintx​ @mikey1822​ @alexandriajanae4​  @li-ssu​ @just-another-winchester​ @obsessivecompulsivespn​ @emoryhemsworth​ @newtospnfandom​ @mizzezm​  @goldenolaf25​ @jessikared97​ @wh1sp3r1ng-impala​ @charliebradbury1104​    @queen-of-moons-peace-out-bitches @becs-bunker​ @atc74​ @lemonchapstick​

The Dean Beans:

@akshi8278​ @mega-mrs-dean-winchester​ @winchesterandpie​ @spn-dean-and-sam-winchester​ @carribear31​ @tacklesackles​ @oreosatmidnight​ @not-naturalfangirl​ @missselinakitty​ @iam-a-cutiepie​  @kristendansmith​ @milo-winchester-4ever​ @jensenackesl​ @codyshany316​ @pheonyxstorm​ @helllonearth​ @juniorhuntersam​ @pouterpufftrain​ @ruprecht0420​ @shut-ur-face-and-get-in-the-car @carriemichelle2012​ @aubreystilinski​

Series Rewrite Junkies:

@helllonearth​ @amyisabellal​ @deanwnchstr​ @caseykitten6​ @quixoticcat​ @supernaturalblogging​ @notmoose45​ @crowleysminion​ @mina22​ @tahbehonest​ @hadleymcallister2177 @destielsangels​ @spnhybrid @oreosatmidnight​ @valerieshubin​ ​​ @seninjakitey @flyonlittlewinchester @aubreystilinski​ @rocketqueeens​  @emilygracespellins​ @earthtokace​

[lycanrox]

yeah i do things wrong. i dont know what the fuck im doing though. when i hurt people, i dont know that i do unless they say anything. if i dont have guidance for what i do, i dont know how to do it. i dont know how to be a good friend. i thought ive changed but apparently “i havent”. i used to treat everyone like shit, yeah. i used to think i was hot shit. i wanted to be cool but i wasnt. i didnt know who i was. not to blame alters or anything but half the shit from way long ago was wolfgang. yeah i fucking hate it but ive said that before and everyone excuses it. tbt to when **** said i was faking did to hve exuses to be shitty! while in reality i broke down every fucking day because i didnt feel normal or right. i still, to this day, barely know what i did wrong. i know i said some shitty things. i know you didnt want to be in that relationship with me. i felt like shit every fucking day beause i know that. you broke up with me, why didnt you keep it that way? you were the one who came to ME asking for me back. and you still continue to tell me im awful. you talk shit about things i cant fucking help as a person. you tell me and other people i used you for sex. yeah fucking right. remember the first time you tried to do shit wifh me? where was the fucking consent? you didnt ask me if it was okay, you didnt ask if i was ok. remember the time i was literally sobbing when you went down on me and you didnt fucking do anything? i know you knew i was not okay. do you remember when i told you i wasnt okay with being dominant because i was forced into it in a Serious Abusive relationship? yeah and you continued to make me feel like shit about not pleasing you. you made jokes about me fucking you and it was uncomfortable as hell. why would i stay with you for sex if you made me feel like shit every time i actually tried to fuck you? you made jokes about how bad i was and i have no stamina. i cant fucking help not being able to do things because of trauma. i. have. ptsd. i in no way compare you to a****** and you fucking know that but you continue to act like i demonize you. you pressured me into sex, you made me feel like shit when we had sex, you embarrassed me about it outside the bedroom when i begged you not to, you manipulated me into feeling like shit all the time, and now youre just talking shit about me. i havent made one post about you since i put those reciepts on instagram. also stop trying to excuse the fact you put your fucking hands on me. "gently pushed" my ASS. you thought it was wolfgang so you were rough. i opened my arms to come hug you, i was a good length away, you couldve said "dont touch me". but yoh know what you did? you shoved me and then said "dont. touch me." not to mention the fact that you literally did punch me in the crotch just a few days ago. "it was a joke" OK. that doesnt exchse it. it wasnt light, it wasnt playful. you know i fucking flinch when you even throw the ball for my dog. excuse me for being fucking scared. why do you try to make me feel like shit even after this is over? i told you in the end i wanted you to be happy. and i genuinely mean that. i hope you find someone you dont have to abuse and blame. i hope you realize what yohve done. "i self harmed because of you" bull shit. i didnt self harm for fucking months until April, now. i went to cutting like three times a week because i felt like shit because of what IVE done. you made me feel like ive done shit wrong. "out of context reciepts" my ass. He guided me through our conversations, and She read through them. they both say the same shit i do. last night, with one of OUR friends, one youre graduating with, said "i knew he was abusing you. i saw it from the beginning". i used to fucking love you and adore you. i know im not good at showing it but i gave up because having you over all the time, buying you food and other misc things, cuddling you, making out, having sex, writing you letters every week, drawing you shit, none of that was enough. you barely ever thanked me for the shit i did either. i spent hundreds of dollars on you, wait no, i wasted it. im sorry i was never good enough for Aiden Standards. i talked so highly of you for so long. but recently you know its gotten bad. i dont know what i did to make you hate me so much, you still dont tell me. none of the shit you say makes sense. see right now, im not blaming my mental illness on shit, as you are. bpd isnt an excuse to harm people. you say you became evil because i was your fp and you stole my personality. when was i ever fucking evil? i didnt treat you the way you treated me. maybe two years ago to the time we talked in early 2016, i was bad to you. i admit that. i tell you im sorry all the time. i didnt know any better. all ican do is apologize because yeah i do feel like shit about it. i didnt treat anyone right and its because i didnt know how to act. im rude to people still to this day because i dont know how else to show people my affection. im not good with communication, affection or empathy. every time i show a single symptom of being autistic, you use it against me. fuck you. nothing i do is ever going to be good enough, oh i am so so sorry dear king aiden, i am not a good enough prince for you. eat shit dude. i did things wrong but i didnt abuse you. im never going to lie that ive been manipulative but i apologize for it and try to fix it. ive never intentionally tried to hurt you. unlike youve done to me. you cant ever deny it, i have plenty of examples. not that im going to tell you though, as weve both blocked each other on everything. youre a terrible person, aiden. ive done everything i can for you. one day youre going to find someone you dont have to treat like shit. we dont even talk anymore but you vague me on your blogs as if im the abuser. im happy without you. oliver would never treat me the way you treat me. they would never put their hands on me. they wouldnt ever try to manipulate me or make me feel like shit. yeah a lot of this is on me for being sensitive but you dont know the extent of shit ive gone through. and i dont know yours either, but i dont push (haha) you like youve pushed me (haha). why are you even here? why are you reading this? i check on your blogs because surprise surpise i care about you and i always have. im not stalking you, i just want to make sure YOURE Ok, even after all this time. i hate you, but i care about you. no matter how shitty you are. fuck you. fuck you. nobody can deny how awful you are. the only person to ever excuse your actions is my mom but guess what? she fucking abuses me too. fuck you.

[ramblingsandruminations]

When Suicidal Ideation is the norm

All the help in the world becomes a muddy puddle of shitty affirmations, thorned gaslighting, and useless guilt. If one more person tells me "have you tried yoga/deepbreaths/vitamin B..." Ugh. Who am i kidding? This is tumblr, where you can always find somone who says exactly what you are thinking ( #omgmetho #datme #meirl ). Weve all heard the "stop giving advice and atart taking it " speech, we're all likely to have read some post about the "evils" and " abuses" of therapy and inpatient treatment, and I'll bet a paper hat, some vending machine doodad, or some shitty-yet-adorably-hipsterly prize that within 100 reblogs someone links to some news article about "Queer Youth Completes Suicide And We Think You Will Pay Us to Feel Bad About It, Don't Forget To Like, Share, and Subscribe to Trevor Project, Your Reblog Will Save A Life (And Keep Us Relevant For Our Advertisers)." Tomorrow(well, next daylight hours) my 26-year-old depressed college freshman self is going to walk into my schools coubseling office and tell them i never recieved the location for the therapist they reffered me to (true story--Honestly not avoiding treatmwnt, even if it is useless) and request a second referral. Ill sit through some lecture about self-advocacy veiled in "concerned questions" and once again be misgendered, deadnamed, and criticized for giving a fuck (note: commenters looking to describe me with the word "cuck," i see you there, good for you, let me know how that white kkknight holier than thou red pill rage fest dopamine addiction is filling the gaping void of existential dread within you). After that, there is always a small chance they'll see just how depressed i am, and faster than you can say "looney is a word based in misogynistic beliefs of womens mental health and menstrual cycles being unhealthily and unscientifically connected to the moon," ill be fielding questions which boil down to "do you want to kill yourself" and "do you have a plan." By this time in my life, i've gotten pretty used to BSing my way around psychology. All it really takes is knowing that all they can take you on is your word, and nothing else. "Do you want to kill yourself?" they ask, and i reply "*short pause, heavy, short exhale denoting weight and truth* Well, yeah. But quite frankly, suicidal ideation is a part of my everyday life- nothing i do isn't plagued with some form of "i should wrap this mouse cord aroubd my neck and die" or " i wonder if that branch is strong enough to support my weight" or "man, my head hurts, but i bet a bottle or two of ibuprofen could make it stop." For me, its not a question of wanting to die, its a matter of what do i have to live for, and ive been through enough inpatient DBT and group therapy to help me cope, using breathing techniques and self-care tips to push me through the worst of it." This is usually if not always all they need to hear. Sure, im depressed, but anything they could tell me is something i know and am already doing-i sound to them more like a patient leaving inpatient than one entering it. Our hospitals are overfilled, understaffed, prqctucally unfunded; if im "stable" im staying out of their ledger book. Occasionally, they still worry, having one of those "consciences" their peers claim to have lost when a schizophrenic patient tried to bite their ear off, and ask a follow up "but are you sure? You seem distressed, and if you need some help, we are here for you," to which all i have to do is look at them through sad, but strong eyes and say "Thank you, but i have a great support network of friends and of course, my boyfriend. He's fantastic, and one of the most important things to have happened to me. He keeps me on this side of the dirt." A small tired chuckle, and their focus diverts towards affirmations of how good it is to have support, their therapy brains running on autopilot. Then all it needs is some "active" listening, uh-huhs, and compliant assurance that ill keep working on myself to assuage them of any guilt or corncern. Maybe, though, ill tell them the truth, and let them take me in. Three hots and a cot, after all. I'll fight through my dysphoria as they ogle every nook and cranny of my malformed body trying to see if im hiding a weapon or some drugs; I'll continue to insist on a private room and remind them calmly yet firmly that no, i will *not* room with a male, and their lack of knowledge on how to treat a transgender non-binary patient is well behind on proper treatment according to WPATH, the APA, and our state govt. When i get a room, theyll say that i should take as much time as i need to get acclimated, and not worry about what the rwat of group is qorking on, and then contradict themselves within 5 minutes and say i need to go to group, theyre waiting on me. In my fresh new scrubs, ill walk in and within seconds, ill identify how th staff monitors who came in when (usually different colored scrubs based on different halves of the week, and of course, anyone likely to leave within 48 hours wearing "normal" clothes), and see the therapist or doctor talking about emotional management techniques. When i sit down, eeyes will be on me, some with looks of angey jusgemwnt, some with awe and wonder: what could THEY be in for? The group leader will ask me my name, ill state it and my pronouns (to several uncomfortable shifts in the room), and theyll let me know what they were talking about. Ill make a good effort to participate, play along, etc. Someone in the group will be desperate to control the conversation, talking more and more as if this entire experience is just for them- another person will be too dissociated to say anyrhing, despite the doctors attebpts to get them to open up. Already, the cliques will become apparent; humans are aocial creatures, after all. When we leave for the next scheduled activity (either rec or lunch, depending on the time) the docs will be watching me- im on suicide watch, and they expe t me to jump out a window or try and slit my wrists with a paperclip or something. Im not a danger in this regard; ive been threatened with solitary and ECT if i dont comply before- i am their prisoner and i must comply. Within an hour or two of being there, ill be able to notice how well funded they are (or more likely, arent.) The quality of their reading materials; the availability of puzzles abd how well taken care of they appear. Recreation will be the most bare of kindergarden activities; coloring books, maybe a tv with basic cable. A daycare for adults, abd not the cool buzzfeed articles. Someone, probably an addict, will be trying to fanangle their attendee into giving them special treatement- a snack, or an extra smoke break. I'll be sitting in a corner, smirking- the staff arent even an eigth as dumb as this person thinks, and they've seen this type before. They might get something, but itll cost them sour looks from staff and less accommodating treatment with the doctors. After the second hour, we'll have another activity (second group, rec, or maybe "outside time" if its a particularly fancy facility; while the sun will certainly be shining, our feelings of freedom will be dampened by the high fances and walls keeping us from getting away). This is usually wheb the realization sets in that im stuck here for 72 hours plus, and ill be counting them down to stave off boredom. 15-30 minutes in to this third hour, ill be called in to meet tye psychiatrist, fisrt meeting with an attendee to fill out the generic details, then 30-45 minutes of diagnosis before im told ill be put on ab antidepressant, an anxiolytic, and tramodol, a sedative marketed as "something to help me sleep" and "another antidepressant" which makes me laugh every time. Tramodol is the auppressant, the "slow down" drug which helps keep everyobe on a nice, calm level thats safer for the orderlies. Were i violent, id concur; instead, i begin to wonder how long it will take before i no longer feel persistently asleep once i leave. A couple weeks, likely. Hopefully, the food will be good, but not likely 5 star- one place ive stayed had been cooking for us in the break room, sometimes PB&J, sometimes microwaved quesadillas. Maybe theyll have more drink options than coffee, water, and sugar-free koolaid- maybe not. Likely not. Some of us will complain; most of us will know it is a fruitless endeavor. After another group or two, it will be dinner, then wrap up group. We will discuss what progress we think we made today, and be sent to bed after meds are distributed in little paper ketchup cups. Most places wont do the "cuckoos nest" tongue check, but some will, particularly the ones with kleptos and pill ODers. Lights oyt will be around 10 pm, the beds will be plasticky and the blankets thin, and sleep will only cone rhanks to our sedatives. Day two, we'll be woken early, around 6-7, by an orderly checking our blood pressure and body temp. Well all gather in the hallway, rubbing sleep out of our eyes and head to the eating area for breakfast- which loooking back will likely be the best meal of the day, not the least be ause we have access to augar and caffiene. By now, i will likely have made a friend, probably with an older woman or two, and we will enjoy surreptitiously smirking at each other when the teoublemaker patwnt tries to get an omlette or something silly. Someone will start telling fanciful stories dreamed up in the night; talk will eventually turn to who is leaving today. The orderlies will be trying to not look too interested in what we reveal to each other instead of them. They will not succeed in this. Ths first morning they will use as a test of how i deal with frustration. An older nurse will act exasperated, as though taking care of me is a curse she was tasked with. She will try to cut theough any response i give her, and rudely discount anything i try to say, as if accuaing me of lying. Knowing it is coming doesnt help it hurt less. If it overwhelms me, ill be labeled as dramatic- if not, as detached. Sluggish from the new medications, i will be treated as though i ahould not be here, and will be led aroubd more quickly than i am rady to be. I will notice that part of it is that i am beginning to realize how broken down i feel i am. Reaching out will result in canned answers and "the doctor is busy's". After all, this iant about me, and theyve seen my type before. At lunch, i will be upset by the bland meal, abd ask if they have any hot sauce, or maybethey will be out of a preferred tea, or the food will not be enough to feed me. The newcomer who arrived at morning group will share a look with the quiet patient. I will try not to notice the parallels. A therapist will ask to talk to me today. It may be a nice session, but will essebtially boil down to "let me give you ideas for solving your problems, so that your depression seems more managed." By the end of the day, they will already begin my release plan. Theyve fixed me, they are sure. I will also get my clothes back. The aurvey will be slightly different today; instead of asking on a scale of 1-10 with 1 being best abd 10 being worst how was my day, it will be the opposite: scale of 1-10 with 1 being worst and 10 being best. This way, they can track how much is me being honest, and how much is me remembering numbers to fake it. (Once, a nurse messed up so often that it was a sentence by sentence change). Later, if there is any improvement, it will be used by the hospital as signs that treatment is helping; if it gets worse, that i had a rough day and shouldnt think much of it. Bedtime will come, and i will relish it- being sedated takes a lot out of a person. When morning comes, the eggs will feel soggy and cereal with be a much better choice. A bagel will be carried into morning group and more DBT will be discussed. I will mostly be checked out; they are pulling most of their material from a 12 step program, and the leader is a student of psychology learning how to help people, but ive heard it all before, and that sense of guilt just pushes me towards suicide harder. At this point, ill feel just how desperate they are to get me out; nurses eill hint at things being the "wrong" answer with " you dont REALLY mean that, do you sweetie?" and " well, you cant keep thinking THAT way, or we'll have to keep you here longer." Boredom and longing for home will encourage me to pretend to be better, and not tell them how last night before falling asleep i stared at the vedfrane wondering if i could take it apart and form a springwire noose, or tear the blankets to make a rope. When they ask if im feeling better, it will actually mean "are you done with your timeout from reality? Have you learned how to fit in properly yet?" The meds wont really begin having a noticable effect for months- they know im lying. What they hope for is a glimmer of hope and a mountain of guilt for wanting to hurt others by hurting myself. Ill fake those, too. Still, ill be misgendered. Still, theyll blame hormones and buzzfeed rather than neurology and chemistry. After all, im well-adjusted, not at all like the Caitlyn Jenners and Wachowskis they read about on their facebooks. Its just a phase, and im just confused. I didnt try to hurt myself- nothing is *really* wrong with me. What can i do? Try and strangle myaelf, or others? That just means im lashing out, and ill get a new med regime and another 3 days, this time strapped down. Being strapped to a bed and left alone is mind-numbingly boring. If i tell them i still want to kill myaelf, theyll just nod their head and tell me it will go away soon; if i say i have a plan, rheyll keep me playing chess and reading AA papers until i apologize. Their job is not to fix me, their job is to stabilize me and make sure i dont break myself more. The fixing is my responsibility. Day four is release day. They will claim i have made improvements and have me fill out an action plan for when i feel depressed again. It will include people i can call, and ways i can push through bad feelings. It is my exit exam.when i pass, ill be set up with a therapist outside the hospital later in the week, and told how to connect with various resources. They will think i didnt know there were trans support groups. I will think that if it was just a support group i needed, i wouldnt dream of death. Neither of us will admit these things. And so, ill come back to school. Late on homework, i will have to prostrate myaelf with dictors note beggibg for forgiveness. I will get it, more due to policy than empathy, and at the end of the day, i will lay in bed, stare up at the ceiling, and contemplate which of my top three anchor spots would be the best ending to my story. Other than medical bills, nothing will have changed. Life drones on. I think i understand why death seems,so much better. In death, i can pretend there is a solution. In death, i can imagine a cure. In death, i can envision a caretaker and easier existence. It doesnt matter that death is the end of it all- i can pretend it willl be more, and my imagination can create many comforts in that void. But even death is a lie, and nothing will ever stop hurting.

[samanthasroberts]

Pretty Little Liars Recap: Confessions Of A Mid-20’s Drama Queen

Welcome back to another week where I sit through my own personal hell, aka , and try not to put myself into an alcohol-induced coma. And shoutout to all the keyboard warriors who love to type shit in the commentsyall take this show way too seriously.

We start with Mona and Emily discussing Charlotte, who apparently stood Mona up the night of the murder. What kind of loser gets stood up by another chick at a shitty diner?

Emily is like and Monas like, uh no? I feel like thats pretty much the only answer you can give at that point. Emily figures that Mona changed her mind in the trial so that Charlotte would be out of jail and Mona could get to her, which is like real far-fetched.

Mona is like and OKAY thats a line straight out of .

Chris Hanson: Did you know that this was a 13 year old girl? Mona: I, uh, just came to talk to her.

Monas like *what would you do if your son was at home, cryin all alone on the bedroom floor.* and Ems like Monas like, well even if I wanted to kill her, she fucking stood me up so yeah. Of course, this whole conversation is overheard by A.

Aria is like,lets tell the police it wasnt me at the diner! Arias really seen some shit lately. She got burnt and questioned by the police. All Hannas had done to her is getting shitty room service food with a cryptic note. Spencer is like,

Lucas is back. Goddammit. Anyways, he overhears Hanna talking to weird ass Jordan on the phone, and is like Hannas like, Where are you gonna seat him Han? No one wants to sit next to the virginal weird kid from high school. You cant just mix the band geeks with the Plastics, thats not how this works.

Besides, there is this scenario:

Priest: Speak now or forever hold your pe- Lucas: MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Hanna is like, . Wear those ties Lucas, you look like a second place winner at a science fair. He tells Hanna that hes thinking of buying some factory and giving Rosewood a second chance. LOL rookie mistake.

Ali and Snaggletooth are being sexually aggressive in some shit bed and breakfast somewhere in bumfuck nowhere, East Coast. The Ali from Season 3 would have been honeymooning in fucking Paris rn. Oh how the mighty have fallen.

Speaking of falling, Ali trips on her skanky heel and takes a tumble down the stairs, effectively knocking herself out. OKAY, did I not set that up just perfectly?

Alis in the hospital with a concussion, and Snaggle is like, you need to stay in the hospital. Shes like and its like, because thats how injuries work dumbass. The manager of the shit hotel is like and its like duh you know that shit is tampered with.

Ali: I was really happy before I fell, maybe this is my karma Snaggle: Thats not how the Universe works

ARE YOU SURE? Because pretty sure its an established fact that what goes up, must come down. Also, Ali its not karma, you just clearly dont know how to put one foot in front of the other and walk like a normal fucking human.

Snaggle is like, its an accident and he would know all about those, since his face looks like it was a victim of a tragic lawn mower accident. Ali decides to text her friends a selfie of her in the hospital, because concussion photoshoots, so hot right now.

All the Liars are like . They have 3 days to give up the murderer, because A is a psycho. All the girls are shit talking Mona and Hanna comes to her defense, because Hanna is like, such a good friend.

Aria and Ezra are getting ready to go to a dinner with their boss and Ezras talking about how he doesnt like the book ending or some shit. Arias like and that shit is about to go from an Ernest Hemingway to a really quick with Ezras freaky self.

Hanna goes to visit Ali in the hospital and Ali tells her she is going back to Rosewood when she can gtfo of this hospital. Ali has flowers all over the room, because apparently people like her, wtf?, and Ali says that they are all from Snaggle.

Of course, Hanna is looking at all the flowers and sees a very creepy card that has pictures of a staircase, and all of them on it. Either Snaggle is one fucked up dude, or A is just like, really a dick. Honestly, probs both. Obvi, Hanna steals the card.

Emily facetimes Spencer a video of Mona and Sara Harveys body guard dude chatting it up. Weve all seen , Im expecting some bodyguard three-way action ASAP. Also, how did Emily even remember that body guard? I watch this show every fucking week and make it a point to write down every flaw they have, and even I didnt remember this. Wow, I need to get it together.

Also, them talking looks like any relationship I have ever had: Mona talking shit and the dude sitting there looking awkward. Spencer and Emily follow the bodyguard when he leaves.

Back to Snaggle and Hans. Hanna is like, And Snaggle is like, Im sure you said the same thing about that B and B, you human chipmunk. Hes like and its like cough, cough, lesbianssssss.

Spencer and Emily follow the bodyguard and act like idiots on crack and pretend to hit the bodyguards car. Hes like uhhhh no its fine, and Spencer somehow manages to get information on the papers he is holding. I have seen better body guarding by the fucking preteens in Project X. Seriously who is this dude?

Spencer learns that the documents our shit security guard has are blueprints to Radley, because of fucking course. Do they just hand out blueprints willy nilly in this town? God I hate myself every time I watch this stupid fucking show.

Aria is reading Ezras newest chapter and it flashes back to a conversation with Ezra and Nicole. Ezra is begging Nicole to come with him, but shes like

Anyways, Ezra goes to his typical EZRA MAD, EZRA SMASH mode and basically yells at her and leaves fucking pissed off. And yeah, thats the last time he saw his girlfriend. One girlfriend you took advantage of when she was a teenager, the other you let get kidnapped by terrorists. Let that soak in.

Hes like , and Arias like,

Emily follows the bodyguard to a fucking ice cream truck? Wtf? And hes just casually sitting there, licking a Drumstick, when Sara Harvey drives up and gets something from him. Wait a second, she cant text and grip shit because of her hands, but she can drive? The streets of Rosewood are not safe. Maybe she was the girl who tried to run over Emily at the diner. She wasnt really trying to run her over, she was just making a very sloppy three point turn.

Hanna shows Caleb the staircase card. Caleb is like why did you come to me? And Hanna is like They decide to call As bluff, because that plan has worked every time before.

Spencer is on the phone with Emily, when she is greeted by her boyfriend and his ex. What a time to be alive. They act super weird, and then Hanna makes up some bullshit story about how she killed Charlotte. She starts crying to Spencer and Spencer is like YOOOOO THIS IS HEAVY SHIT.

Then Hannas like PSYCH and tells Caleb Well thats the stupidest shit Ive ever heard. Caleb is like and its like NO WTF HANNA DOESNT KNOW JACK SHIT. LITERALLY ANYTHING AT ALL. NOTHING. SHE KNOWS NOTHING. Why doesnt anyone understand this?

Aria and Ezra are at dinner with the editor and shes like, l Arias like and Ezra is like NAH I GOT U FAM, Ill have it to you by next week. Ezras that dick in every college class who votes against the deadline extension. There is a special place in hell for you.

Hanna and Caleb are pleading their case to Emily and Emilys like And for once, I agree with her. Spencer backs up Caleb and Hanna and is like, *under her breath* . This sounds like every parental argument.

Emily/Dad: We cant support our daughter moving in with her boyfriend Spencer/Mom: We need to support her, because if we dont shell work against us. And I want grandbabies!

Hanna is like and grabs Calebs hand very lovingly. Spencers like and its all v awkward. Spencer does what I would 100% do in this situationmake snarky jealous comments and guzzle a shit ton of red wine. I am Spencer, we are all Spencer (without the bangs, obviously.)

Emily also suggests they visit Ye Old Lizard King Toby and let him know about this whole shindig. Again, this idea never works out.

The editor lady tells her that Liam isnt on the team anymore and Aria is like, uhhhh okay. So I guess that relationship is pretty much dead. Good talk.

Spencer flashes back to a night with Caleb in Europe, talking about art and his foster homes or some shit. Yawn. For once, Spencer actually looks good in a nice dress. You did okay PLL wardrobe, dont get too excited over your one time you didnt fail.

Its a pretty pointless flashback, except it shows major sexual tension between Spencer and Caleb in Europe, which is like right after they both broke up with their significant others. See, I told you it was pointless?

Caleb goes to drop Hanna off at Lucas place and he asks Caleb on a very awkward man date. Below are the actual quotes:

Lucas: Do you lunch? Caleb: Uh, yeah I lunch. Lucas: Lets lunch!

A whole portion of dialogue that could have been summed up to we should get lunch sometime. Fuck yourself, Freeform.

Lucas shows Hanna the factory he wants to build and is like Shes like If she even THINKS her shit is going to be better than Clothes Over Bros, shes straight trippin. Lucas is like Bitches love companies.

Okay my high school friends will barely buy me a beer, let alone give me a fucking factory.

Ali has a dream of some kind and sees her mom, dressed in a fugly green top and with some bushy ass hair. I know they have leave-in conditioner in heaven, you lazy bitch. She tells Ali that Snaggle will take care of her and that she loves her, yadda yadda. For a loving mother, she also looks like she lowkey wants to strangle the shit out of Ali.

Mona and Sara meet up, the two sketchiest bitches on the block. Sara looks like Miley Cyrus if she ate herself and took makeup inspiration from a raccoon. Seriously there is like 6 pounds of eyeliner on this bitch.

Mona is like and Sara is like Sara is like, . Oh stfu Sara. You look like a balloon shaped like Nick Carter and your only friend is a dude who eats ice cream on a street corner like a fucking poverty stricken 6-year-old.

Ezra and Aria are having tea like a bunch of pussies and Aria drops the A bomb on him. She goes from 0 to 100 real quick and is like I HAVE TO END THIS.

Back to Ali and Snaggle. Lucky us. Ali tells Snaggle to go to his conference in Chicago and that when he gets back theyll resume their daily programing of boning each other (what a fucking gross mental picture.)

Caleb and Hanna present their shit idea to the group, who all agreeits a shit idea. Caleb is like . Hes getting awfully close to Hanna and Spencer looks like she is about to cut a bitch.

Caleb: This isnt a cheer-ocracy Spencer: Youre being a real cheer-tator, Caleb!

The plan starts by Hanna sending a message to A saying leave my friends alone and then a Carly Rae Jepsen-esqe version of Call Me comes on, while the binary code of her text shows up on the screen. A gets the text of that dumbass admitting to murder. Its about to go down.

div.body_middle_part_right .bodypart:nth-child(n+2), a.prevBody{display: none;}

Source: http://allofbeer.com/pretty-little-liars-recap-confessions-of-a-mid-20s-drama-queen/

from All of Beer https://allofbeer.wordpress.com/2018/12/17/pretty-little-liars-recap-confessions-of-a-mid-20s-drama-queen/

[adambstingus]

Pretty Little Liars Recap: Confessions Of A Mid-20’s Drama Queen

Welcome back to another week where I sit through my own personal hell, aka , and try not to put myself into an alcohol-induced coma. And shoutout to all the keyboard warriors who love to type shit in the commentsyall take this show way too seriously.

We start with Mona and Emily discussing Charlotte, who apparently stood Mona up the night of the murder. What kind of loser gets stood up by another chick at a shitty diner?

Emily is like and Monas like, uh no? I feel like thats pretty much the only answer you can give at that point. Emily figures that Mona changed her mind in the trial so that Charlotte would be out of jail and Mona could get to her, which is like real far-fetched.

Mona is like and OKAY thats a line straight out of .

Chris Hanson: Did you know that this was a 13 year old girl? Mona: I, uh, just came to talk to her.

Monas like *what would you do if your son was at home, cryin all alone on the bedroom floor.* and Ems like Monas like, well even if I wanted to kill her, she fucking stood me up so yeah. Of course, this whole conversation is overheard by A.

Aria is like,lets tell the police it wasnt me at the diner! Arias really seen some shit lately. She got burnt and questioned by the police. All Hannas had done to her is getting shitty room service food with a cryptic note. Spencer is like,

Lucas is back. Goddammit. Anyways, he overhears Hanna talking to weird ass Jordan on the phone, and is like Hannas like, Where are you gonna seat him Han? No one wants to sit next to the virginal weird kid from high school. You cant just mix the band geeks with the Plastics, thats not how this works.

Besides, there is this scenario:

Priest: Speak now or forever hold your pe- Lucas: MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Hanna is like, . Wear those ties Lucas, you look like a second place winner at a science fair. He tells Hanna that hes thinking of buying some factory and giving Rosewood a second chance. LOL rookie mistake.

Ali and Snaggletooth are being sexually aggressive in some shit bed and breakfast somewhere in bumfuck nowhere, East Coast. The Ali from Season 3 would have been honeymooning in fucking Paris rn. Oh how the mighty have fallen.

Speaking of falling, Ali trips on her skanky heel and takes a tumble down the stairs, effectively knocking herself out. OKAY, did I not set that up just perfectly?

Alis in the hospital with a concussion, and Snaggle is like, you need to stay in the hospital. Shes like and its like, because thats how injuries work dumbass. The manager of the shit hotel is like and its like duh you know that shit is tampered with.

Ali: I was really happy before I fell, maybe this is my karma Snaggle: Thats not how the Universe works

ARE YOU SURE? Because pretty sure its an established fact that what goes up, must come down. Also, Ali its not karma, you just clearly dont know how to put one foot in front of the other and walk like a normal fucking human.

Snaggle is like, its an accident and he would know all about those, since his face looks like it was a victim of a tragic lawn mower accident. Ali decides to text her friends a selfie of her in the hospital, because concussion photoshoots, so hot right now.

All the Liars are like . They have 3 days to give up the murderer, because A is a psycho. All the girls are shit talking Mona and Hanna comes to her defense, because Hanna is like, such a good friend.

Aria and Ezra are getting ready to go to a dinner with their boss and Ezras talking about how he doesnt like the book ending or some shit. Arias like and that shit is about to go from an Ernest Hemingway to a really quick with Ezras freaky self.

Hanna goes to visit Ali in the hospital and Ali tells her she is going back to Rosewood when she can gtfo of this hospital. Ali has flowers all over the room, because apparently people like her, wtf?, and Ali says that they are all from Snaggle.

Of course, Hanna is looking at all the flowers and sees a very creepy card that has pictures of a staircase, and all of them on it. Either Snaggle is one fucked up dude, or A is just like, really a dick. Honestly, probs both. Obvi, Hanna steals the card.

Emily facetimes Spencer a video of Mona and Sara Harveys body guard dude chatting it up. Weve all seen , Im expecting some bodyguard three-way action ASAP. Also, how did Emily even remember that body guard? I watch this show every fucking week and make it a point to write down every flaw they have, and even I didnt remember this. Wow, I need to get it together.

Also, them talking looks like any relationship I have ever had: Mona talking shit and the dude sitting there looking awkward. Spencer and Emily follow the bodyguard when he leaves.

Back to Snaggle and Hans. Hanna is like, And Snaggle is like, Im sure you said the same thing about that B and B, you human chipmunk. Hes like and its like cough, cough, lesbianssssss.

Spencer and Emily follow the bodyguard and act like idiots on crack and pretend to hit the bodyguards car. Hes like uhhhh no its fine, and Spencer somehow manages to get information on the papers he is holding. I have seen better body guarding by the fucking preteens in Project X. Seriously who is this dude?

Spencer learns that the documents our shit security guard has are blueprints to Radley, because of fucking course. Do they just hand out blueprints willy nilly in this town? God I hate myself every time I watch this stupid fucking show.

Aria is reading Ezras newest chapter and it flashes back to a conversation with Ezra and Nicole. Ezra is begging Nicole to come with him, but shes like

Anyways, Ezra goes to his typical EZRA MAD, EZRA SMASH mode and basically yells at her and leaves fucking pissed off. And yeah, thats the last time he saw his girlfriend. One girlfriend you took advantage of when she was a teenager, the other you let get kidnapped by terrorists. Let that soak in.

Hes like , and Arias like,

Emily follows the bodyguard to a fucking ice cream truck? Wtf? And hes just casually sitting there, licking a Drumstick, when Sara Harvey drives up and gets something from him. Wait a second, she cant text and grip shit because of her hands, but she can drive? The streets of Rosewood are not safe. Maybe she was the girl who tried to run over Emily at the diner. She wasnt really trying to run her over, she was just making a very sloppy three point turn.

Hanna shows Caleb the staircase card. Caleb is like why did you come to me? And Hanna is like They decide to call As bluff, because that plan has worked every time before.

Spencer is on the phone with Emily, when she is greeted by her boyfriend and his ex. What a time to be alive. They act super weird, and then Hanna makes up some bullshit story about how she killed Charlotte. She starts crying to Spencer and Spencer is like YOOOOO THIS IS HEAVY SHIT.

Then Hannas like PSYCH and tells Caleb Well thats the stupidest shit Ive ever heard. Caleb is like and its like NO WTF HANNA DOESNT KNOW JACK SHIT. LITERALLY ANYTHING AT ALL. NOTHING. SHE KNOWS NOTHING. Why doesnt anyone understand this?

Aria and Ezra are at dinner with the editor and shes like, l Arias like and Ezra is like NAH I GOT U FAM, Ill have it to you by next week. Ezras that dick in every college class who votes against the deadline extension. There is a special place in hell for you.

Hanna and Caleb are pleading their case to Emily and Emilys like And for once, I agree with her. Spencer backs up Caleb and Hanna and is like, *under her breath* . This sounds like every parental argument.

Emily/Dad: We cant support our daughter moving in with her boyfriend Spencer/Mom: We need to support her, because if we dont shell work against us. And I want grandbabies!

Hanna is like and grabs Calebs hand very lovingly. Spencers like and its all v awkward. Spencer does what I would 100% do in this situationmake snarky jealous comments and guzzle a shit ton of red wine. I am Spencer, we are all Spencer (without the bangs, obviously.)

Emily also suggests they visit Ye Old Lizard King Toby and let him know about this whole shindig. Again, this idea never works out.

The editor lady tells her that Liam isnt on the team anymore and Aria is like, uhhhh okay. So I guess that relationship is pretty much dead. Good talk.

Spencer flashes back to a night with Caleb in Europe, talking about art and his foster homes or some shit. Yawn. For once, Spencer actually looks good in a nice dress. You did okay PLL wardrobe, dont get too excited over your one time you didnt fail.

Its a pretty pointless flashback, except it shows major sexual tension between Spencer and Caleb in Europe, which is like right after they both broke up with their significant others. See, I told you it was pointless?

Caleb goes to drop Hanna off at Lucas place and he asks Caleb on a very awkward man date. Below are the actual quotes:

Lucas: Do you lunch? Caleb: Uh, yeah I lunch. Lucas: Lets lunch!

A whole portion of dialogue that could have been summed up to we should get lunch sometime. Fuck yourself, Freeform.

Lucas shows Hanna the factory he wants to build and is like Shes like If she even THINKS her shit is going to be better than Clothes Over Bros, shes straight trippin. Lucas is like Bitches love companies.

Okay my high school friends will barely buy me a beer, let alone give me a fucking factory.

Ali has a dream of some kind and sees her mom, dressed in a fugly green top and with some bushy ass hair. I know they have leave-in conditioner in heaven, you lazy bitch. She tells Ali that Snaggle will take care of her and that she loves her, yadda yadda. For a loving mother, she also looks like she lowkey wants to strangle the shit out of Ali.

Mona and Sara meet up, the two sketchiest bitches on the block. Sara looks like Miley Cyrus if she ate herself and took makeup inspiration from a raccoon. Seriously there is like 6 pounds of eyeliner on this bitch.

Mona is like and Sara is like Sara is like, . Oh stfu Sara. You look like a balloon shaped like Nick Carter and your only friend is a dude who eats ice cream on a street corner like a fucking poverty stricken 6-year-old.

Ezra and Aria are having tea like a bunch of pussies and Aria drops the A bomb on him. She goes from 0 to 100 real quick and is like I HAVE TO END THIS.

Back to Ali and Snaggle. Lucky us. Ali tells Snaggle to go to his conference in Chicago and that when he gets back theyll resume their daily programing of boning each other (what a fucking gross mental picture.)

Caleb and Hanna present their shit idea to the group, who all agreeits a shit idea. Caleb is like . Hes getting awfully close to Hanna and Spencer looks like she is about to cut a bitch.

Caleb: This isnt a cheer-ocracy Spencer: Youre being a real cheer-tator, Caleb!

The plan starts by Hanna sending a message to A saying leave my friends alone and then a Carly Rae Jepsen-esqe version of Call Me comes on, while the binary code of her text shows up on the screen. A gets the text of that dumbass admitting to murder. Its about to go down.

div.body_middle_part_right .bodypart:nth-child(n+2), a.prevBody{display: none;}

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/pretty-little-liars-recap-confessions-of-a-mid-20s-drama-queen/ from All of Beer https://allofbeercom.tumblr.com/post/181188109727

[hontou-baka]

personal rant that got way out of hand... life problems ahoy...

i feel so disconnected with tumblr these days

i dont play dnd, i have no interest in the adventure zone, nor do i care about a few of popular animes (yuri on ice, voltron)

the animes im just plain not interested in (okay, and i just hate the fetishism in yoi and its fanbase)

i dont play video games these days because i dont have time or money (so overwatch for example is over my head)

but i dont have time for dnd, nor would that be something i could practically get into with everything else id rather do instead that also is very time consuming (cooking, studies, fitness)

so taz obviously doesnt draw me in at all

yknow. its not just tumblr.

im disconnected from my own life honestly its pathetic.

i dont have money for the expensive healthy ingredients, or anything at all. my account will be overdrawn once my gym membership comes out this month. my bf and i dont know how were gonna pay my sister back the 70 she lent me for a bill last month that we said wed pay her back as soon as my bf gets his first check from this job onthe 8th; but then he had to reset up a payment plan for a hospital bill hes been unable to make because the minimum payment went up to double (from 50 to 100) so it didnt clear in his account in january or february (because he had MAYBE 60 in his account at either point) so now he owes 200 on top of the 100 for march. so his first check is going to be demolished by that because its only a partial since he just started. i dont even start til the 8th and ive been jobless for over a month. we cant afford gas and this shit car we bought with his moms credit card (she gave it to us to do so) has problems and doesnt wanna start sometimes. best buy minimums go up every month, and my credit card minimum went up a little too. im going to have to pay over 200 dollars for not having health insurance last year (my return was gonna be 400 but the penalty is 695) and i finally got a reply from the health insurance marketplace after i sent in my exemption application and you know what they said???? thanks for your interest, heres how to apply!!!!! they just sent me instructions on how to do everything i had just done!!! i waited 3 or 4 weeks for that!!!! so im gonna have to try again and hope they actually look at the application this time!!! my boyfriend donated plasma to make ends meet, and hes had no way to get money off the preloaded card because a different online account is linked to it and every atm weve tried denies the card (one even kept it for security purposes!!! had to wait til the atm was serviced to get it back...) so now his account is overdrawn since nobody could help him with that (many many phone calls to the support line...). i wanted to buy him pod poi for his birthday at the end of the month and flowtoys is having a beta release of a newer better capsule light but i cant afford that!!! i cant afford anything!!! we cant afford anything!!! and our so called fucking friends are touring to oregon, our favorite place in the world that we want to live in, and havent said a word to us about it. i hate them. they have good jobs and blow so much money and one of them is even the reason were even so financially fucked in the first place and hes part of the stupid band thats going to oregon and hes so stoked his dreams are coming true when he is thousands of dollars in debt to my boyfriend and hasnt tried ONCE all these years to pay him a DIME back and im just so... soo... sick... of it all...

soon... its always soon... next check things will be better, next week, next month, next fucking year... i had a chance to make things work and i blew it. i had a full time job that paid well but well no i just had to up and quit because i was depressed!!!! i didnt want to do it and every day i floated further and further away from reality and i had to quit i had to and all of our "friends" think this is our problem, that we wouldnt be in debt and our lives would be perfect if we both "did what we had to do" and sacrificed what little mental health we have left just to make money... sorry we arent neurotypicals spency poo!!! sorry we cant handle jobs that makes us wanna die jayda!!! sorry my family doesnt help me nearly as much as yours do, jason!!! sorry had to spread the plague of your horrible money problems onto my boyfriend brian!!!! sorry we have cats that sit outside your house and eat food we cant afford, granny!!! sorry im not letting you take advantage of me anymore, """mom"""!!!!!! sorry that i couldnt save you, dad.

i cant manage my own life... i cant talk to anyone or socialize i feel like a child... i cant drive and i dont have a working cell phone (havent been able to afford that for 2 years) so i feel so stuck... alone... its hard to talk to people and im sorry, im sorry tippton because you want to hang and weve tried for months to plan something but i just cant move... breathe... think... im sorry busby you probably think i dont care about you but i do... im sorry kirsten i dont have any cute animal memes to send back or even anything to say to anyone ever... its too hard... everythings just so hard...