#she doesn't understand. she doesn't remember who she used to be. is actively losing the battle to retain her self

[the-dragon-hearted]

Love in Arcane

There are a lot of themes in Arcane but an overarching theme is the dangers of love. Often times, love is put on a pedestal and mistaken as sacred. Love is always good, always "pure".

Arcane actively pushes against that.

I think a lot of the discourse surrounding some of the relationships wouldn't be as big if we recognized that love is just... not always a good thing. Silco and Jinx, Powder and Vi, Mel and Ambessa, they all display that - let me explain.

Silco and Jinx: Probably the most obvious example of this

Silco loves Jinx. This earnestly cannot be argued, he was willing to throw away his dream of an independent Zaun because he could not handle the idea of betraying her. Not losing her - betraying her. Hurting her. He was willing to give himself up, telling Jayce everything she did was what he ordered. It is not a possessive twisted love where he wants her near - he has spent her entire life promising that he won't betray her and he meant it.

BUT!

That does not mean Silco is a good father. He loves her - absolutely. But love is not always good. Everything Silco passed on to Jinx was an example of how he saw the world. Silco was a paranoid, hurt man and as such he made his daughter a paranoid, hurt woman. Love forms us, it teaches us and builds us. Silco loved Jinx but he hated Piltover. He was willing to use violence and use people to get to his goal and he taught Jinx that those methods were acceptable. And he loves Jinx, so she learned.

And after he dies, part of her healing is unlearning those lessons. It's no mistake the ghost of Silco she sees in that cell is a somber one - warning her about the cycle of violence she knows all too well. It's no mistake that Silco's solution was one he never managed to do.

A parent can love you, but that does not change who they are. It does not change what they teach you. Especially if they think they're right.

Powder and Vi: this one hits a lil personally for me

Violet is a parentified older sister, she doesn't just feel responsible for Powder - it's her purpose. It's more than a role to fill or a job to do, if something happens to Powder it is Violet's fault.

And Powder? Vi was everything to her. She looked to Vi for praise, for guidance. Everything she was supposed to seek out in a parent she had to look for in a fellow child. And when Violet leaves her (not really but that's how she understands it), she is ripped away from the only source of dependency she has. So there's a level of resentment there and a fear of further abandonment. Because if the most reliable person in her life can leave her, who won't?

When they reunite, Vi is trying to fulfill a role Jinx no longer needs. Jinx is independent. A lot of people try to say that Vi made Jinx or Silco made Jinx but remember that at the end of the day, Jinx is Jinx. She is a person who makes her own choices and has to find her own path. Violet can't recognize that until it's too late - and then, because she's known her whole life that it is her purpose to take responsibility for Powder, she betrays everything she ever stood for, puts on an enforcer badge, and takes to the streets to try to atone for her failure.

Vi sees Jinx as her failure.

And Jinx? When Vi comes back she tries to find that dependency she once knew. She tries to figure out if she can still depend on that sister who once meant the entire world to her. But she can't. She never should have. And learning that the person you idolize most sees you as either a child or a threat is gutting. Jinx is not a child, so she must be a threat. Because Vi can't love Jinx, she loves Powder. And Jinx can't be Powder anymore, and if that's the case then Violet can't love her.

They both do love each other. They love the memories of the other. Who they once were. When they start to learn about one another again and rekindle that siblinghood it becomes healthier - it's more meaningful and respectful but before then? No matter how hard Violet tried, even if Jinx had chosen to be Powder again, their love would not have been healthy. Violet needed to learn that Jinx was her own person. And that she was not responsible for her, not anymore. Jinx needed to find herself and recognize Vi's failures. Recognize Violet as a person too.

Because siblings change. They grow. Apart and then back together, usually. Siblings love each other but you have to love more than the person someone used to be. Otherwise, you're just pouring your grief on the person they've become.

Ambessa and Mel:

Perfectionist mother meets over-achiever, independent daughter. This is the clearest cut of all the relationships, in my opinion. We know Mel resents that her mother sent her away because she wanted to stay. She wanted to make her mother proud and if she couldn't make her proud she'd damn well spite her. And Ambessa? She loves Mel. She makes that very clear.

But sometimes, love is not something to desire. Sometimes love is synonymous with prison.

Ambessa's love meant she wanted her children to be survivors. Fighters. Winners. She wanted her children to be her.

Mel? Mel figured out quickly enough she didn't want to be her mother, she wanted to be herself. She feared what her mother could do but recognized the tactics and skills she honed were granted to her from the cradle.

That last word: "You have become the wolf."

The nail in the coffin. All the love, all the adoration in that tone, and yet Ambessa's love condemns Mel to a life she never wanted. Because now Mel is her mother's daughter. She is the wolf her mother raised. The heir. Mel loses everything she built and fought for as her Mother dies in her arms, by her hands.

Love. Succession. They can coexist with hate and damnation.

You can love someone and hurt them. Being loved can be hurtful. Love does not mean healthy. It does not mean good. Because love doesn't really have a tangible definition. You can love someone with everything in your body and still be bad for them. Someone can love you with all they have and yet haunt you long after their gone. I think we've placed love on this untouchable pedestal that we dare not touch or critique.

Because: "If it's bad for you it can't be love. No - people who love you don't hurt you. Love is only good. Love is good!"

It's important to know that being loved does not equal being happy, fulfilled, or safe. Better love exists. Healthy, meaningful, caring love exists. But even that will not always be perfect.

Love hurts. Love can be the most hurtful thing out there. Adoring someone rides a find line with glorifying them - love doesn't do that. Love knows your faults. It comes with faults. And adding the right combination of faults can make love a twisted sort of thing. Toxic is a word that's thrown around a lot and often separated from love.

Love can be toxic. It doesn't always become some separate entity, it just manifests sickeningly. Arcane shows us that.

It also shows us love can be good. It can forgive and accept. It can cradle and hold and save. It can last through dimensions and centuries, even through death. Love, like anything else, has many forms. Good and bad.

Doesn't Singed do atrocious things in the name of Love?

Doesn't Ekko recognize that even if he loves Powder, it's not his world. It's not his happiness to have. Doesn't leaving that love take strength?

Don't Viktor and Jayce find love in faults? In each other's shortcomings, not despite them but because of them?

Arcane encourages us to recognize Love's complexities and contradictions. And I think that's neat.

[strawberrycamel]

ninjago seabound hurts. so much. what the fuck

[tyquu]

Ah I remember my question now!! Since Ezra is a growing boy, how does that impact his prosthetic use? I'm assuming they can't just go get him refitted like normal... do they help him resize? Do they build new parts? Or help him find some?

Hiii!! :D) So I doodled out my thoughts as I pondered this question but my handwriting is ass so… I’m also gonna write a little summary too!

Ezra's first Prosthetic was given to him by the same people who performed the amputation on his leg in the first place. Some concerned Lothali citizens who couldn't bare to watch him hop around on his severely infected leg any longer. 12 year old Ezra was pretty pissed about it though (understandably). It didn't help that his first prosthetic was old as balls and awful to walk on.

Thankfully, using bits n bobs he'd collected out on the streets, Ezra was able to tighten the loose hinges at the joints and modify the top to fit better. Alas, he ended up loosing this leg after bopping Kallus over the head with it pretty early on into joining the spectres.

Hera set him up with a pair of crutches and then devoted herself to finding him a replacement. She was determined to find something that was better than his last prosthetic and thought she'd struck gold when she figured out Vizago had one sitting in storage. She haggled hard but eventually managed to pocket the rarity, and delivered it back to Ezra. Sabine helped modify it fit to properly, and to Ezra's delight he discovered that the hinges on this leg were motion activated, and could pack an even better punch (or kick) than his previous one.

Ezra hadn't really manage to curb his habit of using his leg as a weapon on occasion, and during such an incident ended up losing leg 2 (much to Hera's despair). Thankfully, Sabine had helped Ezra do enough maintenance on his last two legs that she was confident she could fix up some similar prototypes using her engineering skills. The spectres all contributed to a scrap box that would be used to build replacement legs whenever Ezra ended up losing or outgrowing one. All of them were very dedicated to scouting out parts for him and happy to help with maintenance.

At some point the rebellion had gotten large enough to start having a more organised healthcare system, and Ezra was offered a spot on the surgery waitlist for cybernetics. Ezra was initially hesitant, however, post the incident on Malachor he eventually agreed.

The cybernetic, although not the most advanced for it's time, is connected to his nerves giving him full mobility over the prosthetic. However, it came with it's own new quirks that took some getting used to. Detaching and Reattaching the cybernetic takes between 2-5 minutes to do, and often requires tools to help, rendering it no longer an option as a spontaneous mid battle weapon. As a result there was no longer need for him to cut holes in the left leg of his trousers either.

Ezra doesn't sleep with the cybernetic (same as one wouldn't with a prosthetic) cause it would be hella uncomfortable. On lazy days, he often goes without it, opting to use crutches around base instead. The cybernetic is waterproof, however, in both snow and sand it can sometimes become clogged and stiff, and may need extra maintenance after the mission is complete. The ghost crew is always willing to help pitch in with their engineering expertise (mainly Hera, Sabine and Chopper) or spare part gathering.

Anywho,,, yeah. I hope that sort of answers that question?? I'm not 100% familiar with how prosthetics and cybernetics work in the Star Wars universe so forgive me if some of this info doesn't check out. ( also if u see a spelling mistake,,, no u don't)

[azure-cherie]

PAC :

What's in your store for January

Pile 1 -3

Hello love's hope you had a very happy and fruitful new year , I'm praying for the happiness and well being of all of us one more year together I'm so grateful for each one of youuu

Please choose using your intuition and take what resonates

If you'd like a personalized reading for new year

Paid readings , paid readings 2 , masterlist

Pile 1 :

First of all what are you guys even dealing with good lord The energy is pretty heavy , I will not be surprised if you have prominent Saturn in your charts this month I believe you are dealing with karmic cycles , Things ending in general, you might be a bit shaken up soon something you thought never would happen will happen

I'm sensing career or home sector fights could be there as well as inner conflicts beware and take precautions don't get too caught up about what others have to say rather choose your own story this also indicates you might soon take a stand for yourself its really required something has to come to an end because the time is over now you are to urge for more ! Financially! Abundance is written for you this time your creativity will pay off I know you like you play with fire but remember life moulds you like a clay some fire glazes some melts you gotta choose your own battles why do I feel like I'm talking to myself lol .

You will understand the worth of spontaneous plans soon sometimes you gotta do stuff for the sake of doing it and you just gotta act wild just be careful about the fact that everyone you go out with isn't a friend every co worker doesn't mean good for you learn to see through people's mask ! Theres one video by persephonesmind its perfect she explains it really well , followed by ten of swords some of you might experience a rock bottom moment however it isn't for everyone but with the world be assured you will pick yourself up this might seem like a bad ending but it's a good one or turn out to be good it's a matter of time bae anyone who tries to play you cheat on you will be ashamed themselves because they will see the purity in your heart .towards the end of the month I see some enemies becoming friends.

Pile 2 :

You're a bad bitch period !! This month is about embodying the best version of yourself move on despite the snakes around you ignore the people you're gonna be investing on something that is worth it it's a sign ! Friendships are something you will be blessed this month new and old you will also actively let go of a fear of yours I heart heights and abandonment issues.

If you're looking for commitment from someone it will be given this month like engagements marriage yay social media fame is also written there would be more family functions to attend to I see more active energy in this pile. You will understand the worth of standing alone and work your intuition through difficult situations .Your dreams might be a clear indicator of something also I feel you're making someone cry or someone is making you cry ask advice from someone who's been there in your situation you can also ignore if the situation isn't as important I also feel ignorance energy I guess it's good because you're also healing from abandonment issues .

You'll be doing some course on money management or get advise from your elders on your resources. Sometimes we make our own problems dont get sucked into that take time but let your loved ones know that you need it ! Also you really need that money management advice as you might end up losing something but I also don't think it will he a bad loss ! Sometimes sacrifices are necessary you might understand the worth of small losses now but that will protect from bigger issues later.

Pile 3 :

I don't dress for women I don't dress for men lately I've been dressing for revenge! That's your main mood this January you're gonna show everyone who didn't believe in you what you're capable of you're going new heights reaching new goals making new ways I'm so proud of you

You have struggled a lot to do this actions manifesting you are getting closer to what you want , might fetch yourself a new leadership position this month you're gonna be an example an epitome of grown beside the struggles because you're so ready to work despite all the sneaking going on behind your back you're gonna be doing the thing needed to defeat your enemies you will undergo momentary defeat and might cry for a while because you might feel all forces are against you this is the time to pour into your inter child

When trauma shows up remember to shadow work nothing ever goes away one needs to heal with it don't get swayed away with temptations and fake promises I heard devil is strong but so is the knight know that your emotional strength will lead you through this you have to be more intune with your emotions but also lead with logic it's a hard balance to learn but once you're on it you become undefeated and you will be I'm so sure about that.

Thank you so much for reading

Have a great day/night ahead ❤️

[flippinpancakes64]

How the Cullens would react to you being a newborn

*Note* This is my first ever post please be nice :(

Edward:

Super supportive

Is so so patient

Will teach you everything he knows about self control and how to best curb your hunger

Will go hunting with you every day if that's what you want

He doesn't care if you're dangerous he wants a hug so he's getting a hug

Protective x100

If Jasper still has trouble trusting you after you've mostly gotten yourself under control he will be right there telling him to back off

10/10 would let him turn me into a newborn

Alice:

Again, supportive x100

She deals with Jasper on the daily, she knows how to help with cravings and sporadic behavior

Can easily stop you from things you shouldn't do because she can see them in the future

Would go hunting with you

Would lose her patience after a while if you keep tearing the clothes she buys you tho

(Not actually she'd just be a little frustrated :) )

Would also come to your defense if Jasper or anyone else doubts that you have yourself under control

"I can literally see the future it's fine-"

Jasper:

The worst of them all probably-

He's very tough to get to in the first place

He has a dark past, most of his trauma is from Newborns

He doesn't trust you for a really long time

Super skeptical, will follow your every move ready to hold you down

He's just trying to protect his family tho

You're gonna have to be on your best behavior if you ever want him to trust you again

He'll come around eventually though with the help of his family to show him that you're adjusting well

After he's certain you're no longer a threat he will feel so bad

Cuddles x100

He's just a big softie who loves his family behind those scary eyes

Rosalie:

Ok I lied she might be the worst actually-

If you did this to yourself or had another one of the Cullens turn you chances are she's never gonna talk to you again (sorry)

I mean we all know that she hated Bella's guts until she got pregnant with Renesmee

But if you got turned by accident or by a rogue vampire attack?

Supportive x200

Mama Bear mode activated fr

She remembers what it was like all too well

The pain, the confusion, the anger, the hatred

You couldn't do a single thing wrong in her eyes

You accidentally attacked a hiker? It happens to the best of us

You broke one of the super expensive cars by closing the door too hard? It's ok Carlisle can buy a new one

Can and will defend you if anyone says you're not ready yet

Emmett:

Kinda chill tbh

Obviously since he's the strongest he's with you most of the time to hold you back if need-be

But he's more interested in making bets against anyone who will bet with him

"I smell an elk up ahead, I bet I'll get to it before they can"

"I bet I'll win in an arm wrestling contest"

"I bet they'll scream at Edward for playing that piano too loud"

Mostly is just a good supporter

He's really observant though and is a good judge on if you're ready to be alone yet or not

Esme:

Supportive x100

She hates seeing anyone in pain and you are no exception

Will give you all the tips and tricks she can think of

How to control your cravings, the best animals to hunt, the best places to go to just scream and let it all out

She's got you covered

Wouldn't be that strong of an advocate towards you being ready tho-

She acknowledges that she is not very well versed in this field and will accept Carlisle's or Jasper's judgements very seriously

She will do her best to help you though

Carlisle:

The man for the job fr

He has raised four different newborns that he created mostly all by himself

He knows exactly what to do

How to best help you, how to make sure you feel the least pain possible, how to speed up your process

Literally anything

He's very open to answer any questions you have

If you were dying and he did this to save you he'd be perfectly okay with you wanting nothing to do with him

He understands

It will take a while to fully convince him that you are in control of your urges, but one he's convinced he is on your side 100%

Vampire! Bella:

Definitely the most sympathetic

She was the most recent change, she remembers it the most

Even though she did have her self-control on her side, she still remembers how difficult it was

Will stand by your side no matter what

She's not scared of you or what you could do

To her you're still you

Will do her best to help you with anything you need

Does her best to help give you distractions if there are people nearby

Once she believes you're ready, she will not take no for an answer

She's stubborn

Very good support tho 10/10

[lunawagner]

Couples of Linkon High School

Freshmen: Rafayel x MC

MC is the class president, with Rafayel as her deputy. He calls out, "Miss Class President!" throughout the day.

MC has good grades, —not the top student, but definitely in the top ten.

Of course, Rafayel draws and doodles during classes. But his grades are not bad either thanks to his drive to outperform his possible rivals in love.

His notebooks are filled with sketches of MC.

MC teaches math to Rafayel and Rafayel teaches English to MC.

They are both bad at physics and spend class time drawing short comics together. However, if nobody listens and the teacher seems down, they would listen and nod along even though they don't understand a word.

The chemistry teacher is unsure if they like or fear Rafayel.

Overall, teachers love them 'cause they treat their teachers as real people and genuinely care about them.

Sometimes they lock their pinky fingers under the desk and keep them that way until the class is over, even though they both get a bit embarrassed.

Rafayel is determined not to kiss her on the lips until both become adults.

Their music teacher is Rafayel's aunt. MC loves her classes and is learning to play piano. Rafayel always complains but still can play at least one decent piece on every instrument you have in the music room.

The art teacher is Thomas. He and Rafayel always argue as Rafayel doesn’t want his art to be just another mass product produced for exhibitions and competitions

MC grew up in a government institution. Although she doesn't remember, she met Rafayel when he was placed there after losing his parents. His relatives quickly took him in, but MC looked out for him, saving him from the bigger kids who tried to bully him. Eventually, they became friends.

MC is tomboy-ish and can't process her emotions properly.

MC's fashion sense is minimal, so Rafayel goes to shopping with her on weekends. Thanks to that they have some matching couple clothes.

Sophomores: Xavier x MC

They have average grades but excel in sports, making them the school's hidden assets in tournaments.

The school coach would love to have them join every team if he could.

Xavier is popular among other boys and has a considerable number of fans.

They nap together during lunch breaks.

They are members of the literature club and student librarians. So they regularly visit the library to read books or organize shelves and help others.

Literature teacher loves them.

Xavier tends to sleep through STEM classes, so MC shares her notes with him later in exchange for snacks or chocolate milk.

When Xavier gets bored during lectures or breaks, he secretly plays with MC's hair.

Despite skipping classes for extracurricular activities, they absorb information quickly, allowing them to pull all-nighters before exams and still perform well.

Some boys claim they got beaten up in the dark when they went down to the basement. Everyone's suspicious of Sylus, but it’s actually Xavier who’s taking care of anyone who messes with MC.

They hang out with a large friend group that includes Tara, Jenna, Jeremiah, and Bella.

Tara enjoys styling MC’s and Bella’s hair with cute hairpins to see how Xavier and Jeremiah will react.

Xavier wears one of MC's hair ties as a bracelet, believing it brings him luck.

They use all of their stationery together, so their pencils and erasers frequently end up in each other’s pencil cases.

MC's dad is a police officer and her mom is a nurse. Xavier's parents are both politicians.

Xavier doesn't get along with his own father but they are on good terms with MC's dad. They play board games, go fishing, or jog on weekends. MC doesn't have the foggiest idea of how it happened.

Juniors: Zayne x MC

Zayne is the top student and MC is right behind him in second place.

People often think MC is just an airhead who gets good grades just because she’s dating Zayne.

But while she is cheerful and active, she’s also super diligent. She pays attention in class, reviews her notes, and makes new ones before exams to make sure she’s on top of things.

She doesn't want to fall behind Zayne and secretly worries about how he would react in case she fails and gets bad grades.

All the teachers are fond of them with some even treating them like their own kids.

MC’s family trusts Zayne more than they trust her, so they’re quicker to say yes to events if they know Zayne will be there with her.

MC has a cute habit of drawing little hearts on the random pages of Zayne's textbooks. Once Zayne noticed it, he started drawing jasmine flowers on hers.

They tend to avoid skinship at school, except for the times MC is sick. During those times, Zayne stays close to her all day, ensuring she is hydrated and consuming warm drinks. He hugs MC and lets her rest on his chest, and he holds her hand during classes.

Seniors: Sylus x MC

One word: Trouble

But no they're not your typical troublemaker brats. They are also top-notch in nearly every class, so teachers don't know what to do with them.

At first, they were pretty low-key about their relationship, keeping it a secret. But once they went public, they became all about PDA with Sylus' hand always around MC's waist whenever they managed to take a break from holding hands.

Science teachers would love to exempt Sylus from taking their classes so that he can never ever set foot in their labs.

Chemistry, physics, and biology teachers change their way when they see Sylus in corridors, lest he ask them about things that would lead to a global catastrophe.

The music teacher gets goosebumps whenever they see Sylus.

Most of the girls don't like MC and there is always gossip and slander surrounding her. But for some, she is like a protective big sis.

MC and Sylus's families have been business partners since the time of MC's grandma.

Sylus' family makes huge donations to the school, so the administration is unusually lenient with him.

They play truant regularly. For what? Nobody knows.

It’s hard for others to actually mess with MC. But, when they do, Luke and Kieran are quick to pull pranks on them even before MC or Sylus can react.

Luke and Kieran look so similar that teachers often can’t figure out who’s at fault. Their innocent expressions after causing trouble don’t make things any easier.

Sylus and MC are chosen school representatives. They are intimidating and cunning so it is easier for them to negotiate with and win over teachers and the local student union.

People come to them with problems to be solved. MC is willing to help them without any immediate material return but Sylus always turns it into a business deal with specific terms.

MC doesn't have many close friends, but she occasionally lunches with the MCs of Xavier, Zayne, and Rafayel.

[mochroialainn]

History of Man

Title: History of Man Fandom: Percy Jackson and the Olympians Characters: Luke Castellan x Aphrodite!Reader, Silena Beauregard x Sister!Reader Plot: 'she begs him, he says he doesn't understand, she love him more than anyone ever has in the history (history), the history of man…so you'll lose me, the best you'll ever have it's the history, the history of man' - history of man, masie peters - [name] loved luke with all her heart, he was everything to her and then he left and took her heart with him Themes: angst, hurt no comfort: Warnings: this is just angst with no comfort, i'm sorry (not really) , nightmares, mentions of fire and people burning, mentions of screaming Word count: 3,275 Notes: i'm sorry I disappeared,I've been here lurking but was experience severe autristic burn out because of changes in work and some bad news but I'm back and will hopefully be writing more. also bonus points to whoever picks up on the secret reference in this fic, which is especially heart breaking if you have read the books. Also, I know Lacy doesn't come into the series until HOO but I love her and needed a little sister character.

The early morning sun rises over Camp Half-Blood, showering the camp in a beautiful glow of red and oranges and bringing with it the warmth and promise of a new day. A new day of joy and fun for the campers, of bustling cabins and a day full of activities, but for [name] it brought a new day of pain and of heartache. 

She watches the sunrise on the steps of her cabin, arms wrapped tightly around herself as if she could hold the broken pieces of her heart together by sheer force of will alone. The tears that had fallen earlier in the night had long since dried on her cheeks which were tinted red from the cold of the night. [Name] couldn’t remember when she had come out to stare at the stars, she didn’t know how long she had been sitting there in the cold, the blanket she had originally wrapped around her long forgotten and puddled at her back. 

To be fair, she couldn’t remember most of the past two weeks, her mind and body lost to the memories and the heartache. Her emotions a constant battle of hatred and love for Luke Castellan, she knew she should hate him. That she should despise him 

But she couldn’t, she couldn’t separate the sweet, considerate, kind Luke who had taken her under his wing, who showed her how to wield a sword to the point that she could now hold her own against a good chunk of the Ares cabin always reminding her after she was claimed that Aphrodite wasn’t just a Goddess of beauty and love but she was also Aphrodite Areia, a war Goddess in Sparta and Taras and Aphoride Urania in Kythira. He reminded her that she could be both beautiful and bold, sweet and strong. That there was strength within her even when she felt like there wasn’t. 

She couldn’t separate that Luke from the one that had revealed himself as a traitor, the one who had used a child for a means to an end despite the risk to his life. The one who had stood in front of her and told her he loved her and then proceeded to rip her heart to shreds in the same sentence. 

A warm hand on [name]’s shoulder jolts her from her reverie and as she looked up she meets the bleary blue eyes of her favourite sister Silena who gave her a sad smile before reaching and wrapping the blanked around her shoulders again. 

“Gods [name], you’re freezing.” Silena’s voice is soft and warm, like a sweet honey tea as she speaks. She’s quiet, not wanting to wake the rest of the cabin. She sits beside [name] and places a gentle hand on her knee, rubbing gentle and comforting circles against the soft pyjama bottoms that [name] wore adding just enough pressure that it can be felt through the fabric. 

Silena and [name] were always close, the two girls arrived only a few weeks apart and their bunks were right beside each other in the cabin. The two spent many nights huddled together on one of their beds gossiping and practicing their make-up skills and as they got older they spoke about their crushes, Silena revealing her feelings for Charlie Beckendorf from the Hephasteaus cabin and [name] revealing her feelings for Luke. She still remembered the words Silena spoke the night she revealed her crush, ‘be careful with that one love, he will do what it takes to survive’. Gods how she wished she had listened to her now. 

Silena had been her rock the past two weeks, finding her after Luke left and holding her as cried into the night, praying with her almost every night to Aphrodite to make the pain go away and asking why she would allow her daughter to fall in love simply to have her heart ripped out, covering for her in camp activities on the days she couldn’t get out of bed, and reminding her of all the light that was left in her life despite the dark cloud that had shrouded her recently. She was there the night Luke left, her hand carding through [name]’s hair as she threw up from crying so much, whispering re-assuring words in ear and trying to comfort her. 

Silena’s voice broke through the silence surrounding them, “Nightmares again?” [Name] nodded, tucking her chin into her chest, turning it slightly to meet her sisters gaze. The nightmares had started the night after Luke left, she hadn’t slept the night before instead she spent the night crying, wrapped up in Silena’s arm as she read her one of her trashy romance books. It was always the same thing, the argument with Luke.

 · ─────── ·𖥸· ─────── · ·

Luke paced back and forth, his footsteps were so heavy and he had been doing it so long that he was leaving treadmarks on the grounds, He was anxious, he hand curling in his hair as he muttered to himself a practiced speech to try and ger [name] on his side and to go with him. He had been pracisiting it for days, ever since Percy, Annabeth and Grover left for their quest because he knew that when they came back there was only one way for it to end. 

“Luke!” [Name]’s voice cut through his thoughts, she sounded panicked and confused and the same was written on her face as Luke turned to face her. Her eyebrows were scrunched up and her lips were cornered down in a frown, and fuck Luke thought she still looked beautiful in the dim moonlight and starlight that was filtering through the canopy of trees. 

Luke had asked her to meet him at their spot, a little secret section in the vast forest that was spread throughout the campt. Luke had found it in his first year here, it was his escape from the chaos of the Hermes cabin when he first arrived. Going from a young person on the run with only two friends and only his mother as family to a cabin through of brothers and unclaimed kids was a massive adjustment and one it took him a while to get used to. So, when things go overwhelming he would come to this spot and sit, sometimes he’d practice his sword skills, evident by the slash marks in the trees surrounding the area, other times he would sleep because it was the only place he could sleep. 

When he started pursuing [name] romantically, he took her to his little slice of tranquility in the chaos of Camp Half-Blood. It was where he first kissed her and where he first told her he loved her. They had spent so many hours here just talking and holding each other that it became a sacred space just for their love and Luke would have sworn it was blessed by Aphrodite herself from how he felt when he was there [Name]. As if the space itself was meant just for their love to blossom and bloom. 

“[Name]” Luke wrapped his arms around her, pulling her close to his chest and burying his face in her neck taking her the scent of her bodywash mixed with the smell of the bonfire that lingered on her skin. His grip was tight, almost bruising as if she would disappear into smoke if he let her go. There was 2 ways this was going to end and Luke didn’t know if he could face the worst one, he had already lost Percy and Annabeth earlier that tonight when the confronted him about the master bolt, he didn’t want to lose her either.

“Luke, what's going on?” [Name]’s voice was soft and quiet, the only reason Luke heard it above the crickets was because his head was still buried in her neck. Reluctantly, Luke pulled back from her but his hand moved to rest gently against her waist, his hand slipping underneath her Camp Half-Blood shirt and rubbing gently against her skin. 

“There’s something I need to talk to you about.”

Luke stepped back from her, taking the sword on his hip out of its sheath, [named] looked at him confused. The blade looked strange, darker than the usual celestial bronze the demi-gods used. She didn’t recognise it and a deep unsettling feeling formed in the deepest pit of her stomach. 

“Luke, what is that?” Concern now laced her voice instead of confusion and Luke’s eyes flashed down to the blade and back up to [name]’s. “It was a gift”

“A gift? A gift from who?” 

“Kronos.” The name struck fear in [name], it was like ice was being poured over her skin, goosebumps running down her arms and legs and shivers like lightning running down her spine. She stepped back from Luke, who’s eyes widened and his lips turned down. 

“K-Kronos? Luke, what are you talking about?”

[Name]’s arms reached her her hairpin, it was a gift from her mother that Chrion gave her when she turned 13 to be gifted to a child that showed promise in sword fighting it was a relic fromher time as the Areia and Urania and it was enchanted to turn into a sword. [Name] knew she had no chance in a sword fight against Luke but she would be able to hold him off long enough to call for help, not that she wanted to fight Luke. She couldn’t imagine anything she wanted to do less, she could already feel her heart ripping in two from the confession. 

She had been filled in, word moved fast in the camp especially with the Aphrodie and Apollo campers spreading every little bit of gossip like wildlife, someone had stolen the master bolt as a plan to bring Kronos back and to start a divine war. It had been a half-blood at the last solstice and suddenly things started to click into place. Luke was never too far from her with a hand on her waist or holding hand, at the very least he always had a finger linked with hers but during the solstice he disappeared. She thought he had just gone with the rest of the Hermes cabin to see their dad, despite how much she knew he disliked him but now it was obvious. He was the lightning thief. He had set up this whole thing and put Percy, Annabeth and Grover at risk. 

As everything clicked for her, her heart pounded in her chest and it was so strong she thought it would tear right out of her chest. Anxiety spiked inside her, nausea rolling through her stomach and bile rising in her throat. But she pushed it down, pulling her pin out and gripping the hilt of her sword as it transformed with a white knuckle grip. 

“You’re the lightning thief.” Taking another step back, [name] took a defensive stance and Luke’s eyes widened as he raised his hands in front of him, a motion indicating he wasn’t going to attack. 

“[Name], let me explain.” His voice was frantic, the words tumbling out quickly as his brain raced, out of all the scenarios he had come up with for how this would go, his girlfriend pulling a sword on him was not one he considered. “The God’s don’t care about us.”

He took his sword and swiped it in the air, a shimmer shadow ripping open the air as if it was a portal, “Look at what happened to my mom, Hermes could have stopped him but he didn’t and look at all the unclaimed, at how many there are. What kind of parent does that? Just abandons their kids without a second thought to what would happen to them when they came off age and monsters start coming after them”

[Name] shook her head, “You know the God’s can’t interfer with our lives. Its forbidden by the fates.” 

Anger washed over Lukes features, the calm and collected facade dropping as he shouts, “That means nothing! Do you know how many times I nearly died before I got to camp? How many monsters I had to fight? If Hermes loved me he would have kept me safe, he would have told me my fate when I asked! Imagine how many demi-gods have died not knowing what they are because the monsters got to them before they could get to camp, how many we lost” 

He ran a hand through his hair, tugging on the curls gently and frustration, “And what about Thalia? Her own father wouldn’t even saver her, instead he turned her into a fucking tree as if that was the only solution” 

“But Luke, Kronos is not the answer.”

Luke let out an angry growl and takes a step toward [name], who in turn took a step back.

“Have you even thought about what would happen if Kronos came back? It would be an all out war between the Olympians and the titans, last time there was a war on Olympus it triggered World War 2!” 

She let’s out an exasperated sighed and lowers her sword slightly, “How many lives will be lost then? Mortal and demi-god? Of many of us will have to die for Kronos to rise to power?”

Luke takes another step forward, “Thatt’s why I want you with me.” His hands reached out, pleadingly, his sword lowering toward the ground to show he wasn’t going to hurt her. “If you’re with me, I can protect you and when Kronos wins I will have you by myside as my Queen. I love you and I want you by myside when we win.”

[Name] shook her head and tears started to fall from her face, “You know I can’t do that Luke. Kronos will bring nothing but chaos to this world and too many people will be lost because of him.”

Lukes eyes suddenly turned dark, the pleading tone of his voice dropped and the anger turned into nothingness, [name] didn’t know what was scarier.  A dark, dry laugh came from Luke as he brought a hand up to his face, “You just don’t get it.”

Luke raised his sword, pointing the tip of the blade toward [name] and she readied herself for an attack, “Why would you get it? You’re Aphrodites favourite child. You never had to face a challenge in your life, your father brought you to the camp when you were nine he always knew who your mother was. You never had to run from monsters or live on the street to survive and then when you arrived in camp you were claimed within minutes and now you spend your days doing your make-up and your nails. All you have to worry about is looking pretty, it was a waste for me to teach you sword skills.”

A shuttering breath leaves [name]’s lips at his words, more tears flowing and her throat constricting around her words, “Luke you…you don’t mean that”

“You know, maybe you’re not Aphrodites favourite, If you were, she never would have had you fall in love with someone who doesn’t love you back.” His voice was harsh, the words cutting like a knife that had been lodged between [name]’s ribs, piercing her lung and making it so she can’t breath. She couldn’t even recognise Luke anymore, his eyes had gone dark and all emotion disappeared from his face as he stepped into the portal and vanished. 

As the portal closed behind him, [name] felt her heart shatter into a million tiny pieces, as if it was made of glass and Luke took a sledgehammer to it. The pain that ripped through her chest felt like someone had ripped her chest open and was slowly pulling her shattered heart out piece by broken piece.

 · ─────── ·𖥸· ─────── · ·

Then it morphs, a single flame igniting where Luke stood that turned into a blazing infero consuming the whole forest and the cabins. She could hear the screams of the campers as the flames burned them, could feel their pain as if it was their own and she could do nothing to stop it. She wanted to stop it, wanted to save them but she couldn’t. When she looked down she could see vines wrapping around her legs, the thorns digging into her skin and drawing blood and all she could do was scream. 

The first night if happened, she had woke up the rest of the cabin by screaming in her dreams, Silena had been the one to wake her while her cabin mates rushed to her side to make sure she was okay, Valentina was already at the front door of the cabin ready to go and wake Will if she had to get her sister medical attention. The only one who remained on her bed was Drew, who simply glared at her sister and flicked her hair. Drew was very specific with her beauty sleep and didn’t take well to having interrupted. Once they confirmed that [name] was okay, most of her siblings returned to bed but Silena stayed with [name]. They had gone for a walk around the camp, stopping at the dock and sitting with their feet in the water as they watched the stars. Silena didn’t push her to talk about it then, though [name] told her what the nightmare was the 3rd time it happened, and she didn’t push her to talk today. 

Silena took a deep breath and placed her forehead against her sisters, taking a deep breath and closing her eyes, [name] copied her. It was a habit the two had gotten into within their first few weeks of Camp Half-Blood when things got overwhelming, a simple way to say ‘i’m here and everything will be okay’.  

[Name] finally unwrapped her arms from around herself and instead wrapped them around Silena as fresh tears sprang to her eyes, Silena returned the gesture and she rubbed up and down [name]’s back gently.  “One day at a time,” Silena’s voice was gentle and soothing, it comforted [name], reverberating down her spine and warming her from the inside like hot chocolate on a cold winter day. 

Unwrapping her arms from Silena, [name] nodded and wiped the tears from her eyes. “One…one day at a time.” Her voice was quiet, strained and gravelly from the crying. It was a small mantra Silena had started saying to her from the night of the first nightmare, a promise to both her and Silena that she would get through it one day at a time. 

The rustling of sheets and the hush of voices pulls the two out of their moment, their siblings starting to wake as the rays from the sunrise turn golden and they prepare for the day. Lacy was the first to notice the pair were gone and she rushed out the front door, throwing herself on both girls to give them a hug. “Good morning!” 

The childlike wonder and glee in her voice caused a smile to break out on both their faces, as their hands reached up to tickle the sides of the smaller girl who giggled and wiggled in their grasp. “[Name], can you paint my nails today?” [Name] nodded, standing up and taking her little sister's hands to walk back into the cabin. The sun illuminating them as they walk in, the rays of the sun warming her body and reminding her it was a new day, a new day to make new memories to replace the old ones and she just had to take it one day at a time. 

[brf-rumortrackinganon]

Endgame: The Book Report

So here it is. It kinda goes off the rails towards the end. That's the problem with having to drink through this: it's very easy to lose your train of thought, so you end up rambling.

As always, the TL;DR first. I'm goign to use headings and subheadings in the report below for easier skimming.

There aren't many new revelations, but there's still a bombshell.

It's not as bad as Finding Freedom but it's still not good.

Scobie definitely holds a grudge for the way he was treated after Finding Freedom published.

The hypocrisy is unreal.

Scobie and the Sussexes don't understand how business works.

An important conversation on race gets lost.

Rage against the machine and media

Not many new revelations, but there's still a bombshell.

There isn't a whole lot that's new. Most of the book (maybe 75%/80%) is things we already know about because they were covered extensively by the media when it happened.

Sources. He never names names, so the whole thing is written based on anonymous sources and it doesn't seem reliable. Not to mention, some of the sources read like it might be the same person, but Scobie is treating them as different people so it looks like he has a ton of sources. It suggests, to me, that he doesn't have the kind of access he claims to (which is probably true. There was a leak a couple months ago by one of the royal reporters that Scobie once called them begging for contacts and sources because no one was talking to him) and he's scrambling to cover it up.

Piers Morgan. Scobie confirms that Piers is close to Camilla. They grew up near each other and have fond memories of their hometown that they’ve connected over. There’s a 10-year age gap between them so it’s more like they have people/experiences in common than they played together. Scobie is careful not to say that he thinks Camilla gives information to Piers but he makes it clear that Piers’s loyalty has not gone unrecognized by Camilla.

The Bee, The Wasp, and The Fly. Harry's villains in Spare, which he nicknamed so he wouldn't be sued could speak more openly about them. I remember a lot of guessing about who these were but I can't recall if anyone confirmed their names. Well, Scobie does.

The Bee is Edward Young, whom Harry hates because “Young abused his gatekeeping power, gaslighting him when it came to passing along important messages about his lawsuits to the media, and then prohibiting access to his grandmother when Harry needed her the most, all under the guise of ‘protecting the sovereign’.” Harry and Scobie also believe that Young truly loathed Meghan and “was slow to help find patronages and active roles” for her after the wedding. “Sources say he ‘dithered’ for eight months before nudging Queen Elizabeth II to appoint Meghan as the royal patron for the National Theatre.” (So Meghan is incapable of doing her own work to find suitable charities and patronages? So much for hitting the ground running like she claimed.)

The Wasp is Clive Alderton. He's Charles's crony.

The Fly is Simon Case, whom Harry sees as the cause for his and William’s relationship breaking. In Harry’s perspective, Case made moves that prioritized William’s role as heir without consideration for Harry. Some of Case’s actions felt like they were made to promote William at Harry’s expense (for instance, Harry believes Case pushed British media to attack the Sussexes over their travel by private flight and organized the Cambridges’ commercial Flybe flight to Balmoral with the express purpose of being able to tip off the press). 

Rota System. Scobie describes how the rota works. It is the most complete explanation of how the rota works that I can recall reading in royal books and I can't see them being very happy he pulled the curtain back. (More on this in the 'Media' section further down.)

Courtiers - Scobie explains that in the palace lexicon, a courtier is “a press official or private secretary who manages and offers advice to working royals, strategizes engagements, and releases information.” These are Diana’s “men in gray suits.”

The bombshell - Scobie implies that Harry accused Christian Jones of either hacking his and Meghan’s phones/office(s) and feeding information to Dan Wootton at The Sun or facilitating access for Wootton/The Sun to hack their phones/offices, leading to Wootton’s Megxit scoops.

Scobie doesn’t say that specifically and he’s careful to paint Harry with sympathy but it’s there between the lines. After describing what happened, Scobie writes that Harry was surprised by the Palace’s response, that they were angry at him, not Jones, and that they had arranged a lawyer for Jones (which is, to me, the first subtle hint that Harry wasn’t just complaining and had actually made some kind of accusation). Scobie goes further to say that the Palace interpreted Harry’s complaints as a threat to sue so they lowered the boom and then Harry realized how badly he fucked up so he did the classic “you’re overreacting, that’s not what I said.”

The timeline is a little unclear but from Scobie’s writing, Harry’s “report” to higher authorities of his concerns about Jones and The Sun happened in April 2020 after “starting” in January 2020 at the Sandringham Summit when Harry apparently spoke to William about this. Now, this is where I get a little “be fucking for real.” Let’s be clear: the Megxit statement was Harry announcing his intent to quit and the Sandringham Summit was the BRF saying “we accept your resignation, your last day is X” (which ended up being March 9th, the Commonwealth Service). Which means that by the time April rolled around and Harry made this “report,” he was no longer an employee of the firm; he was, for all intent and purpose, a disgruntled ex-employee with a grudge. Of course the Palace is going to come down hard on him, because they’re going to protect the person who is still there working for them. 

Harry (and Scobie) seem to believe that this “report” of his concerns with The Sun is directly connected to the palace’s decision in July 2020 to cut off all the financial support he and Meghan were still getting from the Crown, including the official private security that Charles was paying for. (This is the second subtle hint that his “report” was actually some kind of accusation or threat.) Maybe there is a correlation, maybe there isn’t. But at the end of the day, Harry fucked around and Harry found out.

(Christian Jones comes up again in the Media section.) 

It's not as bad as Finding Freedom, but it's still not good.

Finding Freedom. One of the things everyone roasted Scobie on was all the merching, name-dropping and brand promotion that was in Finding Freedom. He must have learned his lesson because there’s very little of this. In that regard, Endgame isn’t as obnoxious to read.

The Crown. Scobie mentions The Crown a few times and talks about a couple of plot points. It only happens three or four times, but it’s a definite clue that his audience is the casual royal watcher here only for the drama. It’s hard to take him (or anyone, really) serious when he’s compelled to base the veracity of something happening on whether, or how, The Crown covered it.

Editing and fact-checking. The editing (grammar, punctuation, etc.) isn’t as bad as in Spare, but Scobie and his team definitely have some mistakes. Someone on that team doesn’t know how to write a list, so there’s a lot of strange clauses and phrases.

With the fact-checking, there are a few glaring errors that close followers/watchers of the royal family will pick up. The most egregious one is this sentence:

During a conversation just hours after the September 19, 2022, funeral of Prince Philip, Harry confronted his father and brother about why nothing was done on Meghan’s behalf.

Philip’s funeral was April 17, 2021, and we know there was a Harry-Charles-William confrontation afterwards. The Queen’s funeral was September 19, 2022, and no one reported a Harry-Charles-William confrontation afterwards, so I don’t think it happened there. (Also William wasn’t talking to Harry by September 2022 - Scobie makes it painfully clear that William was both refusing to see Harry and refusing to take his calls.)

However, if you google Prince Philip’s funeral, you get this:

The truth is that Philip’s funeral was on April 17, 2021. But Philip wasn’t actually buried (i.e., placed in his final resting place) then. That had to wait until The Queen’s funeral, and it was widely announced at the time that he would wait. The Queen and Prince Philip were both interred together on the evening of September 19, 2022, in a private family-only service.

So that’s some very lazy fact-checking. It's Internet 101: Verify, verify, verify.

Other similar instances:

Scobie’s description of The Queen’s return home to London: "Five days into the ten-day period of national mourning, King Charles and Camilla, Queen Consort, received the coffin at RAF Northolt, on the western outskirts of London. It was there the royal family handed over her body to the public she served--Her Majesty then lay in state until the day of her funeral." (Charles and Camilla weren’t at RAF Northolt. They received the coffin at Buckingham Palace - remember, Scobie? When you got the only photograph of the moment because Meghan tipped you off?, and the family didn’t “hand over” The Queen until the following day, Day Six.) (Here’s the livestream from RAF Northolt; go to 25:07 for a view of the receiving party).

Scobie writes that Sara Latham was working for the Sussexes in Summer 2018, but she wasn’t hired until March 2019. (The specific quote is in the Meghan’s Lapdog section below.)

Scobie writes that William “automatically became the Prince of Wales--the Duke of Cornwall in England and the Duke of Rothesay, Earl of Carrick, Baron of Renfrew in Scotland” on the Queen’s death and Charles’s accession. William got the Duke of Cornwall and the rest on Charles’s accession. Charles had to bestow Prince of Wales on him.

The second instance of fact-checking that jumps out is Scobie’s own fact-checking on misinformation about Harry and Meghan, yet he perpetuates it against other members of the royal family. Here’s an example. Scobie discusses how News of the World published stories about Harry's drug use as a teenager but then goes on to say:

While Harry has admitted to spending many nights at Highgrove getting high and drunkenly falling into trouble at a local pub in Wiltshire, the story failed to mention that this rebellious time in his life was partly the result of Charles leaving him alone at his country mansion for a majority of the summer in 2002.

But then Scobie gives only partial stories for other royals, conveniently leaving out the pieces that nullify his argument:

It's impossible to forget the time Kensington Palace issued an official statement in defense of Kate after a plastic surgeon had suggested to a newspaper that she, then the Duchess of Cambridge, had 'baby Botox' injections to reduce wrinkles.

and

And who can forget when [Edward and Sophie] was sent to Antigua and Barbados, Saint Vincent and the Grenadines, and Saint Lucia just one month after William and Kate's flop Caribbean tour?

and

“There is even a rumor (one that, surprisingly, sources have confirmed) that Charles likes to have someone squeeze exactly one inch of toothpaste onto his toothbrush for him ahead of his bedtime routine.”

The truth is that KP only took action about Kate's baby Botox claims because the surgeon was using her image to promote his practice. And the way Scobie describes the then-Wessex tour of the Caribbean, he means for us to think it was an apology tour after the terribly-received Cambridge tour, but that is not at all the case: the Cambridge tour and the Wessex tour were both announced on the same day, in the same press release. And yes, Charles did once have someone toothpaste his toothbrush, but only when he had a broken arm/wrist and couldn’t do it himself.

Citations. Let me ask you a quick question first. When you read a nonfiction book like this, you expect the author to cite their sources in the text, right? You want the footnotes and the endnotes so you can look up where things are coming from, right? Well, not Scobie! He lumps his sources and citations together in a “credits” section at the end of the book. If you want to know what a source says or which article he’s referencing, good luck. For me, this is terrible practice because it obscures and obfuscates the strength of his work. It calls a lot of questions about the accuracy of his reporting that he can’t properly attribute his quotes, sources, or reference materials and makes the possibility that his entire book is the same handful of anonymous sources more likely.

Strange interludes. Throughout the book, there are strange interludes of, well, history lessons. There are sections on Charles II and William IV, sections about Hamlet and Beckett, and Scobie even discusses Lucy Worlsey’s book on Georgian courtiers (YOU KEEP LUCY WORLSEY OUT OF YOUR MOUTH **Will Smith slap**). I see what he’s doing - he’s trying to connect the issues in the modern House of Windsor with other periods of institutional stability - but it doesn’t really work. It’s awkward. In some places it works better than others, like the piece about Worlsey’s courtiers goes easily with Scobie’s discussion of Charles’s courtiers. But to bring up William IV only to point out how Charles is older than him? It’s clunky.

What exactly is this book? I don’t know. Sometimes it’s a cultural interpretation of the modern House of Windsor in the new Carolean age through the lens of media relations. 

Sometimes it’s Scobie’s memoir. He puts himself in the middle of these stories a lot, to the point where it’s like 50% his personal recollection and 50% commentary. We get it, man. You have a fabulous job with access to the kinds of people and events the rest of us can only dream about it. But it’s not about you. It’s about the people around you. Take yourself out of it.

Sometimes it’s an investigative journalism-like expose. It reminds me a lot of the works by the muckrakers, who were working hard to expose corruption and implement reform. There are sections of the book that feels preachy, where Scobie is writing about his ideas for how the palace’s relationship with the media need to change or how their stance on race relations could modernize, and when it’s not accepted or taken seriously, you can feel his anger seeping off the page that no one’s listening to him. 

And sometimes it reads as if it’s been ghostwritten by Meghan and Harry themselves. There are some stories, some quotes, some details–especially post-Megxit–that could only come from them, or people very close to them in California. And you know, given how intensely private Harry and Meghan are, they absolutely consented to those stories being part of Scobie’s book. Scobie tries hard to cover those tracks but it leaks through. Here are some of those quotes/sections:

The next morning, after a further Palace update warned that her doctors were 'concerned for Her Majesty's health and have recommended she remain under medical supervision,’ an insider messaged me to say, 'It's not looking good.' For a multitude of reasons, I hoped the warning would turn out to be false. Arriving at ABC News' offices that Thursday afternoon, I received a text from someone very close to the family. As I caught my breath in the elevator of the Disney-owned building, 'A Spoonful of Sugar' was playing quietly in the background, making a surreal moment even more so. 'Please don't say anything yet, but I think it's happened,' they wrote. I responded with a follow-up, checking that I understood their message correctly. No doubt trying to get confirmation of their own, the source--someone whose word I had come to trust over recent years--didn't reply.

and

[Princess Michael] later apologized for the indiscretion (though never directly to Meghan), but according to sources, the princess still shrugs and wrinkles her lip when the subject comes up. 'I don't think she particularly cared,' a senior royal source told me.

(how would Scobie know she never apologized directly to Meghan?)

and

As the morning sun rises over Santa Barbara, bathing the steep Santa Ynez Mountains, and the Pacific Ocean sparkles with California's trademark glow, the sprawling Sussex compound in the wealthy enclave of Montecito is already popping. With Meghan already preparing a family breakfast in the kitchen, Prince Harry is busy getting the couple's children, Prince Archie and Princess Lilibet, ready for nursery school and toddler playgroup, respectively. Despite the staff on hand to help during the daytime, when Harry and Meghan shift into work mode, the Sussexes keep their mornings as time 'for the family only,' said a source--no staff.

and

The Sussexes' team received correspondence from Buckingham Palace's Keeper of the Privy Purse Sir Michael John Stevens, who informed Harry and Meghan that, as they were no longer working royals or based in Britain, they needed to give up the keys to their royal rental, Frogmore Cottage. Although there were reports to the contrary some months later, I spoke to a source close to the couple on the day they were informed, and there was a clear feeling of shock and disappointment as the news sunk in.

Kate. How Scobie writes of Kate reveals that he may not be as close to the Waleses as he claims:

And now, like Diana, she, too, is the Princess of Wales. It’s a title that carries a huge and extremely important legacy, but sources close to the royal (who, for those wondering, ‘is just as happy being called Kate as she is Catherine’) say she is surprisingly ‘unfazed’ by her new destination.

I’m specifically talking about why he calls her Kate versus Catherine. (And I have issues with “surprisingly ‘unfazed’” too.) Yes, everyone knows that at one point, she was called Kate. But it’s been made very clear that she prefers to be called Catherine. She introduces herself as Catherine. William and the family calls her Catherine. She signs her letters, cards, and tweets as Catherine. She asked her own friends and her own family to call her Catherine. Nobody calls her Kate except the public, and I feel pretty confident in saying that the “call me Kate or Catherine” message was explicitly intended for the general public, because she isn’t going to be all ‘ahem, my name is CATHERINE’ to fourteen-year-old Jennifer who’s so excited to see her, and the press decided to lump themselves into that category because their SEO is tied to ‘Kate.’

But what I’ve noticed is that people in the traditional press are starting to call her Catherine, especially those that write books. The shift seems to have begun when The Queen passed and Kate became The Princess of Wales.

So for Scobie to happily call her Kate and justify it with ‘well she said it’s OK!’ when she very clearly prefers Catherine makes him more uncredible. He can call Meghan by her preferred name. Why can’t he call Kate ‘Catherine’ because she prefers it?

(As for “surprisingly unfazed” - listen. The woman took William back seventeen years ago KNOWING that this was her future. That’s 4 years “pre-engaged” and almost 13 years of marriage, and you’re telling me you’re shocked, just SHOCKED, that she was prepared to be the Princess of Wales? Scobie, please.)

Scobie holds a HUGE grudge about the way he was treated after Finding Freedom.

He’s not Meghan’s lapdog! Much of the criticism Scobie endured from Finding Freedom were allegations of how close he was to Meghan. He denies, denies, denies all through Endgame, and those statements are dripping with scorn and derision. He absolutely hates that people don’t take him seriously because of a perceived connection to Meghan:

The papers would often refer to me, incorrectly, as Harry and Meghan's 'pal,' another lie largely created to delegitimize the details I was sharing from sources close to the couple that often went against narratives that tabloids were reporting.

He goes to great lengths to tell us and make sure we know that he is not close with Harry and Meghan, that he is close to their communication aides/staff. That may or may not be true, but it certainly does not help his case when he keeps saying things like:

During the peak of [Meghan's racism on-slaught and Scobie's social media pile-on] in late summer 2018, I received a call that I thought was from the couple's head of communications at the time, Sara Latham. We had been texting back and forth about an upcoming royal engagement. 'Hi, Omid!' a female voice chirped. It was different to Latham's northwestern American accent. 'It's Meghan.' I put my iced coffee down, not quite sure if the call was a prank. 'We saw your name keep coming up on the phone...and I just wanted to say high, see how you're doing.' Sara had mentioned to her that I was dealing with my own online harassment and threats.

and

When the couple left their children in California with Meghan's mother, Doria Ragland, and a nanny to visit the United Kingdom and Germany for five days of engagements in September 2022, neither knew that the quick-fire trip would result in a two-week return to royal drama. Neither did I. During this visit, I joined some of their engagements and watched as Meghan gave a speech to teenagers and young adults at the One Young World summit in Manchester.

and

That summer, Christian Jones--who remained at Kensington Palace to oversee all the Cambridges' media efforts--messaged me out of the blue to say it would no longer be appropriate to socialize. Another aide later told me that William had requested this. As we approached 2020, I felt the growing strains on my working relationship with Kensington Palace, who were also much more guarded when it came to their own communication with the Sussex team at Buckingham Palace. I was still invited to the private briefings and announcements but, two months after returning from an October tour with the Sussexes in southern Africa, one of William's aides revealed that William felt 'uncomfortable' with my relationship with the Sussex team.

He’s so close to the Sussexes that Meghan has personally spoken to him, that he was invited to cover their fauxyal tour in September 2022, and William himself is uncomfortable with the access he has to Harry and Meghan. And he doesn’t see how or why people may think he’s in Meghan’s pocket?

It’s very clear that Scobie thinks of himself to be a consummate journalism professional, a neutral third-party whose only loyalty is to truth and fact. According to himself, he can report a Cambridge/Wales versus Sussex issue fairly, accurately, and evenly, but the way he describes certain events taking place tells us that part of his dislike for William is because William never gave Scobie the opportunity to prove it; William, or William’s team, saw Scobie getting closer to the Sussexes and nipped his “both sides of the fence” strategy in the bud. This, I suspect, is why he’s so offended when people accuse him of being close to Meghan and Harry - because by being so closely linked to the Sussexes, he lost preferential treatment from the Cambridges and that absolutely reflects poorly on him. 

Lost access. Scobie is very transparent and very clear that he lost sources and access to Kensington Palace several times because of his “loyalty” to the Sussexes, most especially after Finding Freedom published:

Owing to a unique pool of sources and a refusal to follow the crowd, I quickly became a trusted confidante for many in and around the younger family--a true insider. But all that changed in late 2020 after the publication of my first book, Finding Freedom, about Harry and Meghan's whirlwind journey in, and out of, the House of Windsor...The fear of damaging revelations scared the family and angered powerful Palace operatives, and it also put a mark on my back...I'm still in the mix, but let's just say I'm no longer the journalist who some in the family, or the more royalist-leaning correspondents, are thrilled to see at engagements. Having moved away from playing the Palace game of give-and-take to maintain access, I am now a perceived source of trouble for the institution.

While he’s mostly bitter that Finding Freedom cost him sources and affiliation, he also sees it as a badge of honor, arrogantly boasting:

I am now a perceived source of trouble for the institution. Why? Because I know--and share--too much. For four years, some of the most damaging in Windsor history, I witnessed the full scope of the deceptions, malice, and defensive posturing of an unstable family business and an institution in decline. I saw how far they would go to save their own skin, the deep corrosion at the heart of the royal establishment, and I've witnessed the human damage done because of it."

and

Parts of this book will burn my bridges for good. But to tell the full story, there’s no holding back. Not anymore. We’re in the endgame. (Isn’t this the same speech Ironman gives in Avengers: Endgame?)

The hypocrisy is unreal.

Overly sympathetic to the Sussexes. We all knew that Endgame would be clearly biased in favor of the Sussexes since that’s where Scobie has drawn battle lines, but the extent to which he gives Harry grace and sympathy is beyond astounding and, at times, beggars belief.

For instance, one of the constant lines throughout the book is how frequently Harry keeps trying to reach out to Charles and William to have “conversations.” In Scobie’s world, Harry is completely absolved of anything he may or may not have done to upset Charles and anger William, that the lack of relationship between Charles/William and Harry is completely on Charles and William because Harry is always communicating, always reaching out, always wants to talk, always available for a call. Scobie makes it clear that Harry (and Meghan) expect apologies and accountability. But where is Harry and Meghan taking accountability and making apologies for what they did? There’s a fundamental inability for any of them on “Team Sussex” to realize that if they truly desire a conversation and apologies, then they need to apologize first; doing so would make it clear to Charles and William that they’re serious about resolving these issues. 

Except I think they know that. The way Scobie phrases some of this seems to hint that the Sussexes know being able to have this conversation means they need to take accountability for their own behavior/actions and apologize to Charles and William. But they won’t because they thrive on the attention and drama that making these demands every quarter brings them. It’s the only way they have been able to reliably and consistently stay in the news.

And one of the more infuriating comments Scobie makes is this one:

One is left to wonder if William of Anglesey or William the air ambulance pilot would have left his sibling out in the cold in the same way.

Why is the broken brotherhood all on William? Why is it exclusively related to William coming to terms with his status in the family? Why isn’t there equal accountability on Harry, who takes such pride and ownership in being a soldier, who’s talked about the guilt of having to leave my guys behind? If William of Anglesey or William the Air Ambulance Pilot wouldn’t leave Harry out in the cold, then Scobie needs to equally ask: Would Captain Harry Wales have abandoned his brother and left him behind?

Bias against William and Kate. We also knew that Endgame would be a smear job against William and Kate. Scobie doesn’t let us down. He delights in pointing out how awful William is to be thinking about a future without Charles (forgetting that Charles did the same thing to The Queen, and also when The Queen was much younger than Charles is now). He’s thrilled to paint William as a ruthless bully in the way he manages his staff and how his staff is equally ruthless in the way they engage/interact with other staffs, especially in communications and media relations.

What surprised me is that Scobie isn’t as venomous as he usually is in his coverage of her, which often is rooted in the relationship between Kate and Meghan. He does get his digs in, don’t get me wrong:

He calls her workshy and lazy without saying the words directly: “Where other senior royals are out and about several times a week…Kate has long maintained a smaller work schedule that helped her check off the required royal boxes while saving time for her roles as a mother and wife.”

He reinforces the “Carole is the master schemer” rumor: “Carole saw that the pretty and grounded Kate was ready to carry the family name further to the top…The Middleton strategy involved more than just aristocratic affectation–Carole calculatingly placed Kate right at the center of young Prince William’s world….Carole set things up, and Kate took it the rest of the way.”

He mentions the “plastic princess designed to breed” article.

He says that Kate’s Hold Still project was the same thing as Meghan’s Hubb Community cookbook. (On the surface they are similar, yes, but Meghan slapped her name on the cookbook and took credit for everything whereas Kate was involved with the Hold Still book from Day One with the initial contest and took credit only for the actual introduction she wrote, letting the community own the actual content.)

He brings up the unfriendliness with Meghan: “She spent more time talking about Meghan than talking to her…Kate has jokingly shivered when Meghan’s name has come up around her”.

And of course, it's not a smear job until the Rose rumors are addressed. Don't worry. They're here too.

There’s plenty more where this comes from, but Scobie’s overall portrayal of Kate is that he sees her as a victim to the palace machinery who survived on the basis of being willing to submit fully to the “palace personality makeover.” She has succeeded where Meghan, Diana, and Sarah failed because she was willing to be trained (why, Scobie claims, The Queen liked her) and she had William’s protection to keep the monarchy from corrupting her. It’s an interesting spin that I didn’t expect from Scobie, but he takes it too far with a metaphor that the Palace has stifled her individuality: 

"Here's the thing about [the weeping blue cedar Kate planted at an event in 2019]: It's naturally slow-growing and requires adequate space for its sculptural branches and cascading needles. But if there is too much pruning, or the space around it is too restricted, the tree ends up taking on an odd shape and loses the character that made it so special in the first place."

Because in blaming it all on the Palace, Scobie conveniently leaves out any accountability for himself or the press in the way they treated, and have, at times, mocked Kate, such as:

Some journalists who have been approached by publishers to author biographies about the Princess of Wales have turned down the chance. 'I'd barely be able to do a chapter, let alone an entire book,' one joked to me. (Even so, a Kate book would sell like gangbusters. Missed opportunity if you ask me.)

and

[M]ainstream coverage of Kate in the British papers is overwhelmingly positive, often bordering on infantilizing the princess, with articles marveling at her ability to perform the simplest of tasks (think enthusiastic reporting about kicking a soccer ball or flipping a pancake or how amazing it is that she can assume a perfect 'princess pose' in photographs).

Scobie seems unable to realize that the reason Kate has retreated “further into” the palace machinery is because the press keeps pushing her into it. She has kept her individuality and her personality and her “Kate”-ness, but it’s reserved only for those close to her and only for the general public that genuinely cares for her. The “palace persona” that Scobie sees her in is the elevated version of herself she presents to the press. And why wouldn't she let them see who she really is? They mock her and belittle her any chance they get!

The hypocrisy, overall. It’s just exhausting. Scobie plays everyone against each other, sometimes even contradicting his own stories.

We can be ageist but not racist - discriminating against Lady Susan Hussey is okay because she’s eighty years old and that disqualifies her from public service.

It’s okay for Harry to complain but not William or Charles.

It’s okay for people to not know who the Earl and Countess of Wessex are but everyone in the whole damn world must know who Oprah is.

It’s okay for Charles to plan his future but not William.

It’s okay for Charles to own six properties but William can’t have three.

It’s okay for Harry to use the media to settle grievances, but not Charles.

It’s okay for Charles to show leadership, but not William.

It’s okay for the Dutch royals to let scholarly research on their role in the slave trade determine how, where, and when they apologize for their colonialism but the BRF needs to apologize and make reparations immediately.

It’s okay for Meghan to have help at home and prioritize family time, but not Kate.

It’s okay for Harry to cash in on Diana’s memory but not anyone else, and certainly not William.

It’s okay for the Queen to take lots of time off because she works a lot but not Kate, who doesn’t work because she has children. (Is raising children not work?)

It’s okay for the Queen to avoid talking to the media, but not Kate.

It’s okay for the Sussexes to have preferred reporters but not the Cambridges/Waleses.

It’s okay to tackle misinformation about Harry, not anyone else.

It’s okay for Charles to upstage the Queen/his parent but not for William to upstage the King/his parent.

It’s okay for Harry to blindside his family announcing things to the media first, but not anyone else.

Scobie and the Sussexes have no idea how actual business works.

So many times I thought “tell me you don’t know about the corporate world without telling me you don’t know about the corporate world.”

The biggest giveaway that they have no idea how businesses operate is this mutually-held idea that change must be immediate and must begin as soon as someone thinks of it. There’s no regard for policy, no regard for process, no regard for procedures, no regard for research, no regard for any kind of preparation to make it a lasting, effective success.

Here’s an example, from Scobie:

But it would be hasty to unreservedly believe that real change is on the horizon for the wider royal establishments just yet. In 2023, it was reported that 9.7 percent of employees in Buckingham Palace were from ethnic minority backgrounds (up from 9.6 percent the previous year) and Kensington Palace employed 16.3 percent (up from 13.6 percent). The numbers appear to be ticking up in the right direction, but a closer look at the senior staffers around royal family members reveal a predominantly white lineup (exclusively, in the case of communications team members and private secretaries at William and Kate's household). It depressingly shows that the majority of non-white employees are at junior levels or working in more service industry-type positions.

This reads like Scobie’s expectation is for the Palace to fire their existing teams and replace them exclusively with diversity hires - but even that isn’t an effective solution because everyone would just scream “it doesn’t mean anything! It’s just for the PR!” The kind of institutional change Scobie is demanding actually takes a lot of time to implement, more than the few days he thinks it should. They have to wait for vacancies to open up or, if they’re going to create a new position, then it’s even more complicated:

Where in your budget is the money coming from to be able to pay the new person their salary and benefits? What project isn’t going to happen? What program is going to get canceled?

What exactly are they going to do? If you’re taking X duties from Jane, then what is Jane going to do now?

Where are they going to sit? What kind of technology do they need? What kind of resources, access, passwords, keys?

What’s the priority for this staffing need? What aren’t you going to do because you’re going to do this hire instead? What position isn’t going to get filled? What project isn’t going to get done? 

Should the palace be hiring more diversely? Yes, absolutely. But it’s going to take time. It’s not going to change very much in one year. But what can change in one year is the recruitment strategy behind hiring, and that’s something that Scobie could actually get answers on. Are they still recruiting from the usual places or have they diversified and branched out? Are they doing blind hiring (where they remove all the personally identifying information like race, gender, name, education)? Are they recruiting from the Commonwealth realms? And this is what someone like Scobie should be asking the BRF to uphold their accountability.

Here’s another example:

Naturally, as paid members of the team, household staff for each of the three offices look out for the royals they represent. This is where 'briefings' get complicated, because while the aides are all working to prop up the Crown, they owe nothing to the family members they don't report to.

Um…does Scobie not know that he’s described every single organization and every single job? Everyone at the company works to support the company but you only owe results to the people you report to. Does he not see this at his own magazines or has he freelanced for so long he doesn’t remember what a “real” job is like?

Family businesses. Harry, Meghan, and Scobie cannot see the firm as a business. They look at and perceive everything through the lens of ‘family.’ This is, probably, the biggest “lightbulb” moment I had in reading Endgame. Harry and Meghan don’t understand, or they don’t care to understand, that there’s a family side to the monarchy and that there’s a business side to the monarchy. Everything they have done, they’ve done through the family side, hoping to leverage their personal relationships for change and action, when it was really a matter for the business side. 

And all of their problems with William, with the courtiers, with how things are done, is because they viewed the monarchy as “family first, family always” when everyone else understood, fundamentally, that there’s a time for family and a time for business. And what’s interesting is that William and Kate - forasmuch as they prioritize their own family (scaled back diaries and long breaks overlapping with the kids’ school holidays), they also prioritize the monarchy and the business side of it. They show up when it matters: they do the ceremonies, they do the walkabouts, they do the small talk, they promote the work and the people and the culture of Britain. 

Here are some quotes from Scobie illustrating how he, and the Sussexes, think “family only”:

Over time, William increasingly complained about Meghan to aides and family members. He didn't like how opinionated she was, how she spoke to his staff, and how much of her Markle family dramas were in the press. 'William shifted away from acting like a brother and became more like someone only focused [on the Crown]," a source close to the Sussexes said.

and

Charles vanished into the sacred Crown's engulfing orbit, leaving William to face the royal family's new chapter and the institution's increasing demands without his brother close by, the one person in the world who can empathize with all that's in store for him.

and

During the days ahead, Harry and Meghan kept a low profile, praying the press wouldn't turn their attention to them but remain rightfully focused on the loss of a beloved monarch. 'There was an incredible sense of sadness,' said a family source. 'For them, the Queen was one of their last strong links to the family. She always made them feel welcome. Without her...it will never be the same.

And this is in addition to Harry expecting to keep the perks of monarchy as “just” a family member that I mentioned in the “bombshell” section. He really thought he could have his life, “career,” and family fully subsidized by the business profit because he’s the CEO’s son/grandson. He’s so gobsmacked in July 2020 to realize that not everyone sees the monarchy as “family first, family always” that it literally breaks him. All of his lawsuits and all of his fighting since then has been trying to force the BRF to remodel themselves into his vision of “family first, family always” so he can get his perks back without having to work another day in his life.

An important conversation on race gets lost.

I know that race and race relations can be painful to talk about, but this is incredibly important. I don’t want to wade in too deep into it because these are conversations that aren’t easy to have through screens.

The monarchy, the institution, needs to change to be more conscientious of the power dynamics at play between an aristocratic white family who made their money on the backs of labor, land, and servants and a fast-changing world demanding more and more accountability. Charles's endorsement of the research project that the University of Manchester and the Historical Royal Palaces is a good start, as Scobie also recognizes, but there needs to be more and they can't just wipe their hands off when the report gets published saying "We did our piece. What's next?" There needs to be more and I hope there is more.

Scobie makes a lot of good, important points in his discussion (like it's not enough for the BRF to remove offensive pieces of art or contextualize their collections and they can't hold these discussions behind closed doors and that the public/the Commonwealth realms deserve to have a say in what happens next). But he also makes a few points that seem to indicate he doesn’t fully understand just how complicated race relations are, particularly when it comes to their intersection with politics. Scobie seems to think that the royal family, including the monarch (The Queen at the time), should disregard the “don’t get involved in politics” principle on a case-by-case basis to be able to speak out and support communities suffering injustice and inequality. It’s a fine line to tow; at what point is something “worthy” enough of the royal family to speak out? And how is something judged “worthier” than another to warrant royal intervention? And why has the press nominated themselves to judge that line, instead of, you know, the actual public the monarchy serves?

Probably the most disappointing thing about this section is how misplaced it feels in comparison to the overall book and message. 90% of the book is about media relations; Scobie's relationships with communications staffers, the relationship the palace has with the media, the dynamics at play between aides, principals, and the media. And then there’s a chapter on race. It's as misfitting as the chapter on Andrew (which largely just serves only to let Scobie remind everyone of the Epstein affiliations because Charles seems to be sweeping it under the rug). And that is horrific for Scobie to do; the palace's inability, or unwillingness, to recognize their role in a near-global racial disparity should not, cannot, and must not be equivalent to Andrew's scandals.

Purely from an editorial standpoint, this chapter would have been much stronger, much more compelling, and probably more thought-provoking if it was a standalone essay or part of a larger work that specifically examined racial and ethnic diversity in modern institutions of power or modern monarchies. I think Scobie shoots himself in the foot a little if his goal is to have a conversation and introduce reform by burying it in a book about media and communications. 

I do hope Scobie considers writing more on this. In fact, I think if he did do a larger and more critical piece about diversity, he might be able to earn back some of the professional credit he’s lost by becoming so closely affiliated with the Sussexes.

Rage against the machine and the media

(It kind of goes off the rails here. Apologies in advance.)

Royal rota system. So there are two rota/pool systems. One is for broadcast/television reporters. One is for the newspaper/print reporters. “Royal rota” as it’s used in the royal-watching community popularly refers to the newspaper pool.

The rota is a system where members take turns reporting back to the larger group all the information (and gossip - Scobie makes it very clear that the royal reporters absolutely engage in gossip as much as we do) from royal engagements where open coverage isn’t possible or when a larger group isn’t necessary (i.e., “boring”). The smaller rota pool is one print reporter, one television camera/broadcaster, a couple of photographers, and someone from the Press Association. This smaller group travels “inside” with the royal while everyone else waits outside in a designated press pen for arrivals and departures.

There are 10 print publications that participate in the rota. Only established British national papers are allowed. There have been occasional exceptions for the London Evening Standard and Hello. No Commonwealth publications, no foreign publications (albeit one exception), and no digital publications/media sites are permitted to join.

The exception to the “no foreign publications” rule is US media. Americans are not officially part of the rota but in about 2010ish, the rota invited two US-based reporters (Scobie and one other person) to unofficially join the rota on a honorary basis. They were given access to the pool reporting notes and could join the rota’s press pen at engagements, which had priority access. This changed in 2017 with Meghan’s arrival, because with Meghan came more US media. The new American reporters complained to the rota’s oversight officials on grounds of fairness (i.e., Scobie and the other guy were getting more information and more access than all the other Americans) and the decision was made to take them off the rota.

And just who made that decision? Who’s in charge of the rota? Drumroll please…

The Daily Mail. Rebecca English, specifically.

But how it comes across in the book is that Scobie believes, bitterly and scornfully, that he was demoted from the rota because of his closeness to the Sussexes, and specifically Meghan. It really isn’t looking good for his denial that he treats Meghan “objectively.” He says that English told him he was pulled from the rota because he had become, largely, an American television news reporter and in classic Sussex whataboutism, Scobie says she “conveniently ignor[ed] my role as royal editor for Harper’s Bazaar.” Well, Scobie, you seem to be conveniently ignoring that Harper’s Bazaar is an American publication which further disqualifies you. That’s quite the entitlement.

The rota is overseen by the News Media Association. They appoint press “captains” - there’s two, one for the everyday and one for overseas tours - who manage assignments, the rotation, and ensures that everyone is getting the reports. Rebecca English has been the captain for thirteen years, which Scobie sees as a “monopoly.” Valentine Low, of The Times, is the overseas tour captain.

And that, to me, sheds a little bit more light on Harry’s vendetta against The Daily Mail. He hates that they “control” the rota and how firmly enmeshed the rota (i.e. The Daily Mail, in Harry’s mind) is with Palace operations. Harry says in Spare (which Scobie helpfully reproduces): “I'd had it with the royal rota, both the individuals and the system, which was more outdated than the horse and cart...It discouraged fair competition, engendered cronyism, and encouraged a small mob of hacks to feel entitled.”

Scobie feels the same way, and while he’s a bit more polite about it, he is equally as bitter:

Restricted access for Commonwealth outlets, digital news organizations, or US publications (the latter being relevant to a newly installed American duchess in the House of Windsor) didn't make much sense to man of us. With the support of two senior Palace aides, I wrote a letter to relevant senior individuals at Buckingham palace about why it was important to have an additional position in the rota--one that could at least be shared by the aforementioned groups. Harry, I was told, was also keen to back the effort. But it quickly hit a dead end. Rather than decide themselves, palace aides called in [Rebecca] English and The Times' royal correspondent Valentine Low, the rota's overseas tour captain (who was admittedly far less bothered about petty politics and mostly attempted to be fair in this less-involved role), for a meeting. English told them that letting 'others' in would be unacceptable. 'To be honest the rota is just a headache none of us want to deal with. It's easier to just leave it as it is,' a senior courtier said with a shrug over coffee with me. Yet another case of institutional fear and blinkered acceptance of the status quo when it comes to the media.

Scobie’s entire focus is on restoring his access to the rota. It’s not unlike Harry’s entire focus of media reform being on positive press coverage. 

Speaking of Harry, Scobie immediately drops another revelation, one that directly played into Megxit:

Harry and Meghan, who were having their own conversations about the same issue, were then told that if they wanted to break away from the rota system and give other journalists access to their work, they would have to foot the bill for their own engagements. The list for their reasons to leave was getting longer by the month. 

Concern about cronyism, outdated tools because ‘status quo’, and a refusal to modernize are legitimate complaints, absolutely. It would be far more beneficial if the rota system was overhauled completely to reflect today’s diverse media environment. (Not to mention, adding some spots for Commonwealth and realm publications could very well have an impact on the kind of coverage being reported back home.) But once again, Harry’s entitlement leaps off the page here.

He is such a penny-pincher that he couldn’t put up his own money to institute the kind of change he wanted to see. It wasn’t his responsibility, you see. His job is to make demands, but it’s up to everyone else around him to do the actual work, to pay for his ideas, to implement the change he desires. And circling back to the “Harry has no idea how a business works” theme from earlier, this betrays what Harry thinks “business” or “work” is. Harry thinks “work” is just showing up at the appointed time, reading the provided script, sharing a genius idea or two, shaking hands, and returns in 3 months expecting to see 10 years of progress on his genius idea so he can take all the credit. Harry absolutely is not capable of comprehending exactly how much happens behind the scenes to make his idea reality. It’s no wonder why Invictus Games is sinking like the Titanic. It’s no wonder why Archewell has plateaued. No one is interested in buffing up Harry’s ego anymore. No one is interested in implementing his ideas because he refuses to help or contribute.

But you know who does? William. William has an idea or William wants to see a change, William puts his head down and does the work to recruit the people, give direction, and find the funding. When the press start spreading lies or misinformation, William doesn't just sit there and complain at people to protect him. He uses his own resources to fix the problem, which Scobie (and Harry) perceive as the problem: William as heir has more power than Harry does to protect his wife. That's not what's happening. What's happening is that William doesn't take 'no' for an answer and he works the business till he gets what he wants. Harry gets told 'no' and he tries to manipulate the family to get what he wants...but the family can't do anything.

At the end of the day, it has nothing to do with power, or money, or status, or resources, and what William has that Harry doesn't. It’s that the Cambridges/Waleses are willing and able to do the work themselves. They put their money where their mouth is while Harry and Meghan prefer to buy knockoff athletic competitions and ice cream trucks that they can slap their name on and reap glory.

And Harry is so short-sighted. There would have been absolutely zero harm in abandoning the royal rota for one week or one month, paying out of pocket for press coverage with the “specialist media”, “grassroots media organizations and young, emerging journalists” and seeing what happened? If the experiment failed, then that gives him legitimate grounds to complain that the rota blacklisted him and more people would be sympathetic to the cause. But if the experiment was a success? Oh, man, it would’ve been the modern equivalent to Lord Altrincham’s recommendations to The Queen and Harry could have coasted on that for the rest of his life. Well, woulda, coulda, shoulda. Now William will be the one to reform the press when the time comes, all because Harry freaked out at “do it yourself.”

(Which is pretty ironic, if you ask me. He and Meghan are so desperate for this ‘changemaker’ label yet when they were presented with the opportunity to do just that–albeit at their own expense–they bailed. How dare you -- spend my money on other people?! Meghan couldn’t have clutched Diana’s pearls any tighter.)

Palace relationships. I’ve said it in a few other places here, but Scobie’s book is largely about the relationships between the palaces and the media. There’s nothing really new here and it’s mostly an opportunity for Scobie to brag about how close he is to certain people and how much access he has for his reporting.

Scobie absolutely hates the team at Kensington Palace and the deeper into the book you read, the more it becomes apparent that he isn’t targeting William and Kate as much as he’s targeting the communications team that works for them. Christian Jones and Jason Knauf, to be more specific. Scobie doesn’t like how readily they appeared to do William’s bidding, how fiercely the palace protected them when Harry (and Scobie, remember, he likes to put himself in the middle of everything) called it out, and how freely they seemed to work the press for amiable coverage of William and Kate:

My proof of Kensington Palace's schemes at work wasn't just in the newspaper coverage. I also had close working relationships with Buckingham Palace aides and people on Harry and Meghan's team. Back in 2019, one of the Sussexes' main communication aides felt strongly that William's staff, led by press secretary Christian Jones, crossed a line with the mental health stories. One of the couple's team called me the moment the 'William's concerns for Harry' front pages dropped. 'It's pretty disgusting that they would pull out the mental health card for this...None of them care for his health,' the aide said. As Harry later shared, 'They were happy to lie to protect my brother. They were never willing to tell the truth to protect us.' This wasn't Christian Jones's first rodeo, and he was just one of many at Kensington Palace who engaged in these tactics. William's private secretary Simon Case and communications secretary-turned-senior-advisor Jason Knauf also shared details with preferred reporters to quell rumors about the broken relationship between the Cambridges and the Sussexes. When William and Kate went to see Harry and Meghan after the birth of Archie, Jones made calls to a Mirror reporter and me to share an exclusive--the couple had just minutes ago stopped by for a special visit. 'It's a great story that shows that the the relationship isn't as bad as everyone makes out,' he said. 'It was really sweet.' What he failed to mention, as I later found out from Sussex sources, was that the couple's lukewarm drive-by lasted less than twenty minutes.

(Also, in what universe do the parents of a newborn baby want visitors and guests to stay for hours on end? Twenty minutes to check in on the new parents, deliver some food or a gift, and give the baby a cuddle sounds like an appropriate amount of time for visitors to be there.)

Scobie further goes on to describe how he thinks it’s hypocritical of William to be so manipulative and treacherous in how he uses the media to improve his reputation, particularly at Harry’s expense, because this is exactly what Charles and Camilla did to him and he had hated it. Scobie’s overall message seems to be that the more power William gets, the less “William” he is and the more “Palace” he becomes (similar to the argument he makes of Kate), and the more “Palace” he becomes, the more ruthless his communications team gets.

I mean, Scobie even goes so far as to say that William has gone so far into the Palace machinery that he's abandoned and discredited his mother in accordance with the preferred script:

The differences in the brothers' statements are stark. Both expressed understandable outrage over Bashir's duplicity and the BBC's moral and professional failures. But while Harry stopped to acknowledge and honor Diana's strengths, despite the whole faisco, William reinforced the counternarrative that his mother was paranoid at the time. While there is no duobt that William's rebuke came from a place of love, sources sexplained he was also keen to toe the company line without any concessions to what his mother said during the interview itself. To write his statement, William turned to a number of aides within the royal household, including former private secretary Simon Case, who had left a month earlier for his new role as cabinet secretary for then prime minister Boris Johnson. He embraced the institution's version that, because Diana was duped, the interview was null and void as a result--even if wha she said was completely in line with what she had previously expressed in Morton's book. By disparaging Bashir's trick and by extension the entire interview, William ended up discrediting a large part of his mother's own story. To make his points, he did not remind the public that his mother was candid and truthful, despite Bashir's dirty work, but, instead, maintaned the royal version that she was emotionally fragile and thus easily manipulated, and therefore her claims are not to be trusted.

Or maybe, Scobie, this is William’s own personal experience and recollection of his own mother. It’s well known that William had a very different relationship with Diana than Harry did, such that he already understood at the tender age of fourteen, just how complicated her life was and how complex a person was. And, t was recently revealed that William did actual work to understand who his mother actually was as a person, warts and all. He spoke with his family and with her friends and came to know Diana The Person, whereas Harry has only entrenched himself in his twelve-year-old “My mummy is better than yours” fantasy. 

Both versions of Diana – William’s reality that she was a complicated and complex person and Harry’s reality that she was a beloved idol – can be true. But to dismiss William’s truth as “Palace bullshit” because it doesn’t match the popular narrative as told by Harry is, frankly, poppycock.

Welp, that was a huge train derailment. Getting back to the point: Scobie doesn’t like Jones because of Jones’s relationship with Wootton and his readiness to speak William’s truth at Harry’s expense. (Which is also hypocritical because Scobie spends all of Endgame speaking Harry’s truth at William’s expense.) And Scobie thinks it is unethical for Jones to be openly friendly with Wootton.

But here’s the catch. When he was being interviewed for the job in 2019, Jones disclosed his friendship and working relationship to both Simon Case and William. Yet William still hired him anyway. And with that little nugget, it becomes very clear very quickly what one of Harry’s issues is: he’s butthurt he didn’t get to know of the pre-existing relationship between Jones and Wootton and wasn’t asked to weigh in on whether he should be hired.

Now, for Knauf. Well, I’ll let Scobie tell you himself how much he hates him.

Knauf continued to work in his role as chief executive of William and Kate's foundation for a few more months before stepping down to join the board of the foundation for William's Earthshot Prize. As a loyal aide, he stuck by William through it all, from helping brief the press long after his communications role ended, leading the bullying allegations against Meghan, and joining forces with the Mail in court. Unsurprisingly, a year later, King Charles included him on his list of those to receive the honorable title of lieutenant of the Royal Victorian Order for his 'personal service to the monarchy.' Notably, this high honor is chosen by the royal family and not the government, and it was his pal the Prince of Wales who performed the investiture on May 10, 2023, at Windsor Castle. Knauf--a man who went above and beyond to protect the royal family's relationship with a British tabloid--emerged from this fiasco as a titled hero, the personification of duty above all. His dangerous dalliance with the media in the courtroom is all part of a job description you won't find on his LinkedIn profile and a soon-to-be forgotten footnote in a celebrated career.

Scobie’s angry that Knauf waded in on Meghan’s copyright lawsuit with the Daily Mail. After all, he didn’t have to come forward and there was no official request for his evidence or any palace evidence in her lawsuit. But he did, because “it was [William’s] opportunity to watch the institution strike back after Harry and Meghan went so public with private details about the Firm.”

So everything goes back to the all-powerful William and his newfound power to use the palace’s relationship with friendly press to suppress, control, and humiliate others.

Paradigm Shift. After the discussion on the royal rota, probably the most fascinating part of Scobie’s criticism of the media is something he glosses over: the paradigm shift as a result of the information revolution that changed palace strategies with public relations and communications. In the span of about 50 years, the BRF went from one centralized Palace staff to three companies of Palace staff. They went from one single royal brand using ten newspapers to nine competing royal brands using national newspapers, foreign publications, digital media, and special interest groups and two ghosts (Diana and The Queen) whose legacies shape the 21st century.

I don’t know about you, but I’d rather read that book than 300+ pages of background for Harry’s lawsuits.

Rehabilitating Harry. Scobie reveals the plan for how to rehabilitate Harry if/when the time comes: it's Operation PB, Mark Bolland's creation to rehabilitate Camilla for the public to (eventually) accept her as Charles's Queen.

A parting gift for making it all the way through: my very favorite quote.

Just five years ago, the thought of the Windsors becoming equal citizens without privileged status seemed unreal to most, but now that future doesn't seem as far-fetched. Harry and Meghan have already fled to real life, and, by the looks of it, they're not hurting for either money or status.

You sure about that, Scobie? You sure that Harry and Meghan aren’t hurting of money or status? Harry just flew 20 hours round-trip for a 12-minute meeting with his father to make sure his inheritance was still solid after offending everyone and burning all the bridges.

[problemswithbooks]

BNHA Ch. 429

So, I guess Toga is dead, and people are losing it.

I get why people liked her--she was actually queer, being pan/bisexual. She was representation for them and that's rare in shonen manga. But here's the thing--she was bad representation at best and insulting at worst. Nor do I think she was made queer because Hori really wanted to represent a queer girl. Himiko was always the author's poorly hidden fetish--she just was. She liked girls as much as boys because Hori wanted to draw a girl touching sexually on another girl. You can see this in how he draws her and Ochako in solo pics together.

I mean, people seem to understand this when it comes to Momo and her outfit being overly sexual or that both Himiko and Hagakure's Quirks either leave them naked or they have to be naked to use them. These are excuses to draw girls in a sexual manner. Himiko being into other girls is the same thing and that's the kindest interpretation.

Given how Himiko acts and her Quirk being heavily coded sexual desire, and therefore her use of it against someone unwilling being sexual assault, it could just being playing into harmful stereotypes of predatory gays.

As a queer person myself I just found Toga insulting. She was designed to be overly sexual and give the male author a female character that he could draw being suggestive with his other female characters. When he did flesh out her character, her backstory was eventually the trope/fear of straight people, that gay people will be so overcome with their lust that they end up sexually assaulting them.

In the end Ochako accepts this part of Toga and says she'll giver her blood forever, but as much as a lot of readers took that that as some deep lesbian confession, for me it really fell flat. Hori never really gave any of the main kids time to actually learn about their villain or show how that changed their minds toward them. Shoto only works because Touya is his brother (even though he admits he barely remembers him). But Ochako goes from not thinking of Toga at all pre-first war, to one thought about her during her speech, to suddenly caring about her so much she--given how Toga's quirk is coded, is willing to essentially fulfill Toga's kink for the rest of their lives.

It's weird and it comes out of nowhere. It's made even stranger because Toga doesn't actually change or show remorse for anything she did, which included personally hunting and murdering people before she joined the LOV. None of the death and destruction she is also partially responsible for is brought up either, something that Ochako was rightfully upset about during the first war when less people and property had been destroyed. Ochako just accepts everything about her suddenly and her past serious crimes are forgotten so they can cuddle and cry.

Am I shocked Toga died--a little. I didn't think Hori would have the guts to kill off a young girl character, especially one that he clearly got a lot of joy drawing in sexy poses. But at the same time, once he killed off Shigaraki and ended Touya's story with his slow death, I'm not surprised he went the same route with Toga.

This isn't Naruto--Hori isn't really kind to characters that do something wrong, especially if they don't try and change. Enji, Bakugo, Hawks, and Aoyama all sort of got punished for what they did. Enji is the worst off, being permanently crippled, missing an arm and burned everywhere. Bakugo's hand is damaged, his heart weaker, plus he feels bad that Izuku lost his Quirk so they can't compete the same way he wanted them to. Aoyama, despite doing way less wrong and even helping his class during the forest raid, still leaves school because he doesn't feel he earned being there yet. Hawks lost his Quirk and even though him running the HPSC could be seen as good for him, Hawks always wanted a break, but now he has one of the most time consuming and stressful jobs out there.

So, if this is what characters who actively did good things and even changed and fought to be better get, what would characters who never changed and never did anything positive for anyone but their friends/themselves get?

Before the last Arc started, when so many people said the LoV were 100% going to be redeemed I had doubts and always thought it wouldn't make sense with how the story presented redemption or treated other non-LoV villains in the past. That if the main LoV did get some happy ending where they were bffs with the main cast it would clash with how other characters had been treated.

That doesn't mean that I think how Shigaraki, Toga, and Touya ended up in the manga was well done. I think their endings fit far better then a last minute redemption would have, but at the same time you can feel how rushed everything has been since the end of the first war arc. Hori was done with this story months if not years ago, yet he was contractually obligated to finish it. Because of that I think he left out as much as possible. As much as I think he's written some pretty obsessive stuff, particularly towards women, I can't really fully blame him cutting corners or the story being shit at the end.

We know Manga authors, particularly those that work with Jump are treated like shit. That they suffer incredibly long hours at times not even getting to go home for days. We've gotten messages for Hori saying he's sick quite a few times. On top of that, weekly story telling is not a great way to tell a cohesive narrative. Ideas probably change week to week or at least month to month and you can't go back and change the last chapter no matter how much you need or want to. Then you remember he also gave a lot of ideas to the people who made the movies, which would also change his plans for how he wanted the main story to go.

The story is bad--it has been for a while, but I think a lot of people put their hopes on their favorite characters getting a happy ending, even when there were signs that probably wasn't going to be the case. I know how much it sucks when a character you love gets a shitty ending (Stain was my fav, but he got an absolute dogshit ending) but at least, knowing what I know about the industry I can't really blame Hori the way I see some other people doing. Criticize it, sure, but saying Hori hates his readers or is horrible writer isn't true. BNHA was popular for a reason--he's great with characters and the beginning of the story had some great pacing. We'll never know, but I wouldn't be surprised if BNHA could have been amazing if Hori had been treated better and the story hadn't needed a chapter every week.

If anything BNHA has taught me how much a story suffers when authors/artists are treated like crap and forced to work past burnout.

[verdemoun]

I love your au but can we have some angst?? How often do they cry??

oh boi i love angst

hosea cried learning about what happened to dutch. he didn't want to and he hated himself for it but he will always love dutch and it hurt knowing dutch became the very opposite of what he believed in. it devastated him in a way he didn't know he could feel grief anymore. much like how dutch was there for him when he mourned bessie, bessie had to be there for him when he mourned dutch or the sheer overwhelming depression might have killed him.

sean cries because he misses karen. in typical sean fashion he tries to pretend everything is okay but see post for details alcohol isn't enough to stop him crying over how much he misses karen. he doesn't cry over the gang so much because in a way he feels morbidly lucky for escaping seeing the gang fall apart. his death truly marked the end of the gang's golden era.

but you know what really fucked up the whole lot of them? going to a little field that used to be part of beecher's hope, all hyped up ready to be reunited with the powerhouse that is abigail marston nee roberts in the modern era equivalent of 1910 and instead, a tiny little girl still holding the teddy, stuffed squirrel her dad gave her appears out of thin air. the lost marston daughter, who died at aged 3, standing in front of them asking for her mom and dad

they try to tell her it's okay and she's safe but she doesn't know any of them. john never spoke softly about the gang, his family. he repressed it and tried to forget and as a result his daughter stares wide-eyed at the gang as terrifying as strangers. the gang literally faced with the fact john has been actively trying not to remember them.

sadie adler, who has not cried since the day the grief of losing her husband turned into rage, has to remove herself. abigail marston jr's nickname is addie as a direct nod to how much sadie adler helped the marstons build a new life. she held that little girl as an infant, and played with her as she grew into a toddler. she sobs because that little girl is so scared she doesn't recognize her auntie sadie and she can't even hold her to comfort her

arthur is able to convince addie marston she's safe by drawing her mama and dad and very gently explaining he's her dad's brother. he's her uncle arthur, who she's never met or heard stories about, but she doesn't need to be scared because her daddy will be there soon and uncle arthur's going to take care of her until then.

they manage to get her home and she almost immediately falls asleep still clutching her stuffed squirrel dressed as a cowboy.

arthur is fucking ruined. he isn't crying, he's weeping. it's the grief he felt all those years after losing isaac: losing a child. his brother lost a child and somewhere across time his brother is having to dig her grave alone and mourn her while she's safely tucked into arthur's bed. arthur has no way to tell him she's safe, she'll be protected and cared for until he's there because the canon era gang don't know the timewarp exists after death. he has no way to talk to him, to be there for him as someone who understands that grief. his little brother is as alone as arthur was when he went through mourning isaac and arthur can't do a damned thing about it because the cruelest irony of the timewarp is knowing what the surviving gang members are going through and not being able to do a damned thing to stop or change it.

charles has to cry silently, because he doesn't want arthur to hear and try to console him. he knows there is nothing he can do or say that will comfort arthur and that ruins him. even for those who escaped, those who lived a life after the VDLs, death still haunts them. there's nothing and no one to blame for addie marston dying at aged 3. she died of an unknown illness, like so many children in the early 20th century, and now they have to pretend they're okay for her sake and each other's sake.

[agoodfictitle-shadowban]

From Vormir, With Love - Part 2

Tags: strangers to lovers, love in space angst on earth, slavery mention, alien abduction, post Endgame, will add as we go on

Summary: As you're being chased you crash on Vormir. So far, so bad. But things take a turn when you come face to face with a marooned Black Widow.

[Part 1] [here] [Part 3]

Word count: 3.1k

A/n: after some nice vacations I'm back! Thanks for all your support, and I hope you'll like this chapter!

Taglist: tbd

You were right, June didn't like you bringing one more person along. An Avenger on top of it. Still, she simply gave one look to the newcomer, groaned, and went back to her repairs. You could work with that.

Now, you're hanging in the cockpit of your ship, looking at the star chart. In the five years you spent drifting into space, you never managed to find Earth again. Most Aliens don't care for humans, and don't know where they're from. As for star charts, they cost an arm and a half, so you have to work with the one you have - one which of course doesn't give the common names of planets in human language and no translator has cracked it.

"What are you doing?" The voice comes from behind you, covering the snores of the rest of the crew in the background. Sleep doesn't come as easy to you, even if you have the privilege to have your own bed. For tonight, you decided to give it up to Tim. He looked miserable after the fight with Natasha.

"Looking up at the stars," you answer simply, eyes still on the chart.

"What are you doing in space?" She asks after a moment of silence.

"What are you?" You retort, not even contemplating answering her question, and finally looking up at her. Now that you know who she is, bitterness is starting to build inside you, for her and all the so-called Mightiest Heroes of Earth. You take a deep breath, you don't want to lose focus. "I know for a fact Avengers don't travel that far out without a reason, and clearly something happened." You point at the Aliens who came back from the blip. "Cause those guys appeared out of nowhere three days ago. So, what's up with that?"

"So it worked…" she whispers at first, in a sort of wonder, and you understand she had something to do with all that. She looks at you, searches your face, and for a bit you think she won't answer you. And then she smirks. That surprises you. "You're a smart one, aren't you?" She puts her feet on the board and you glare at them as she keeps talking. "I was here to save everyone from the snap. It's good to see we succeeded." She seems genuinely happy about it, but also troubled.

You hum, and you wonder if that's truly for the best. Memories from the day of the Snap flood back to you.

-

You had never been that scared in your life before. You had no idea where you were, if you were even still on Earth - you guessed that you weren't, because those… people were clearly non-humans. You remembered going to the convenience store down your street, after a long shift at work. The night had already set for a few hours at the time, and as you were about to pay for your ramen pack and soda, those things came out of nowhere. You tried to hide, to fight, but it was no use. You remember thinking that maybe, just maybe, someone would come and help you. The cops, the military, anyone. Maybe SHIELD or the Avengers had detected that strange activity, somehow, and they were on their way. But no one came.

The aliens took all of you, all the ones that were in the store, and the next time you opened your eyes, you were in what looked like a ship.

You were kept in a cell with the clerk from the store - June, you learned, an engineering student who was working two jobs to pay for college - and food was coming from the ceiling in bags. You quickly realized it was sedated, and stopped eating until your stomach begged for something, anything. Some of the aliens were walking around, probably to keep an eye on the prisoners, and you quickly noticed that the only ones armed were those who had six eyes and a weird stone in the middle of their forehead. There were others, they looked like they were only doing maintenance or cleaning. They had a collar around their neck. This lasted maybe a week, and you kept praying that anytime, at any moment now, someone would come to save you. But once again, no one came.

And then one day… no one came again. No guards. The prison doors opened for apparently no reason, and you took a step outside. Was it a trap? Your naked feet walked alongside other prisoners. Besides June, you couldn't understand any of them - they were all aliens speaking different languages, and the other three humans were nowhere to be seen. You found weapons, and fought some of the aliens. You managed to outnumber most of them with the other prisoners. Soon enough, you were aboard a ship and on your way elsewhere. You remember looking at the star chart with so much hope. Home. It was right there.

-

Home is nowhere to be seen.

"I wish you could be as optimistic as you." You shake your head.

Now, those Aliens have more manpower than ever, and will certainly come after you again. You will need to lay low for some time before you can keep going on your quest for Earth.

"You're not happy," Natasha simply states. It feels like you're raining on her parade, so you decide to reassure her in order to keep the peace. There is also this weird feeling in your chest that makes you like her smirk, and the stupid spark in her eyes, so you might as well try to keep it there even just for some personal gratification.

"No, it's probably good. Means more people to help us get back to Earth. Which, you wouldn't happen to have a star chart on you?"

"No. But I might know someone who does." Here is the smirk again, thinning her full lips that you could kiss right now if she is telling the truth. You lunge towards her and put your hands on her upper arms, one on each side, squeezing her. She looks surprised, eyes wide, almost ready to fight but she keeps it in her.

"Wait? Are you for real?! This would be fantastic!"

"Why don't we calm down first, hm?"

You want to throw a party and dance of joy. "Calm down? It's been more than five years!" You whisper yell to not wake up your guests. "I can finally go home!"

She decides you're a lost cause when she sees you walk towards June's quarters and almost fall from dancing happily between the bodies sleeping on the ground. Somehow, seeing this after the past few days makes her smirk slightly, her heart lighter. You disappear around a corner just as the memory hits.

-

When she opened her eyes, it was to a dark sky and crimson surroundings. Her clothes were damp from the small pools of water under her. Not far was the sharp cliff she jumped from. She remembered the last thing she saw. Clint. She sat up. He was nowhere to be seen, and she wondered if her sacrifice didn't work, because right now, she was very much alive. No. She should still be dead. She should still be… free. She swallowed. She never wanted to die. But. But… she stood up, as tired as ever, and checked her equipment. Her Widow's bites were fried, as were her comms, but she still had her sidearm. Now, she had to find Clint.

He was nowhere to be seen, she realized once she came back up the cliff. No one was here anymore, not even Red Skull, she was all alone. Alone. She was used to it, it was fine.

She checked her comms again. Still nothing, not even statics.

She sat down on the same rocks as earlier. Was it earlier? She searched around her pockets, and found her phone. She was barely able to make it work, but soon enough she realized what her problem was. She was back to today's time, after she left for the past. Clint wasn't here, not because he abandoned her, because the last time he was had been years ago. It suddenly made sense. What didn't was why she was here. But for now, she had a much more pressing question: how was she going to go back to Earth?

Luckily, fate gave her a quick answer.

In the horizon, light caught her eye. Someone was crashing here, and she would only hope to get to you before you left again. With no time to lose, she started her walk.

-

"Are you sure she isn't brain dead? 'Cause she ain't answering." June's voice brings Natasha back to the present. She arches an eyebrow and tilts her head the slightest in her direction.

"See, not dead," you say in triomph.

"Why don't you stop talking about me like I'm not here." Her tone is harsh, and it shuts up both of you. You rub the back of your neck and look away, ashamed, while June just crosses her arms almost in defiance. It's still enough to get back to the main subject.

"Whatever," June starts, "do you really know people who could help us?"

The irreverence aside, there is some fear in her voice, and it quickly clicks in Natasha's head: she's scared to get her hopes up. It's a fear she understood all too well; hope is always the first step towards disappointment. Hope is dangerous. But sometimes it's all you have, and she isn't about to disappoint those lost women.

"Yes, we just need to find them."

"And who are they exactly?" asks a very guarded June. You elbow her, and she simply send you a glare, ignoring your suddenly very shiny personality. You'd never been one to be pessimistic, despite everything that happened, you just knew how to hide it, but right now you were almost beaming with joy.

"Carol Danvers, ideally, then Peter Quill, or Thor, one of the two if we don't have a choice." She shrugs like this will be easy. To be fair, they are very well known individuals. June looks at you to see if you know who she's talking about, since you're well informed usually. You are always the one going outside the ship to find the missions. It takes you a second to know exactly who she's talking about, and you nod.

"Carol is our best bet, anyone with authority has a way to contact her. We can just go to the federation probably, but the Nova Corps could be closer. I think they have an outpost a few jumps away…" You're already thinking, looking back at your star chart to find the closest place where you can contact Marvel, or whoever the other two were - well, Thor you know, but the name of Peter Quill sounds made up, even if it titillates your brain. "I'll check the radio as soon as we leave Vormir's atmosphere. Something is blocking the communications."

June nods, then looks at Natasha with distrustful eyes. "You better be telling the truth or you'll pray you did."

Somehow, the threat works on you too and you move on your seat in discomfort. June always was the more serious of the two of you, and held an even bigger grudge against the Avengers than you did. It reminds you that maybe you should distrust a spy a little bit more, as you eye the ship's console. Natasha is less impressed, but still takes things seriously.

"I am," she simply reaffirms in all seriousness. You observe her, and she seems genuine to you. It looks like it's enough for June too, because she simply goes back to her bed.

"Sorry for June," you say when she's out of earshot. "She's… we both went through a lot. Makes things hard." Hard to trust, hard to forgive. You're happy that she could help, but you also know tomorrow the bitterness will still be there. Of course, Natasha knows too well what you mean, the vulnerability that comes with the short explanation, and she offers a simple nod in understanding, her eyes expressing all of her empathy.

You're thankful for it.

A small silence establishes itself, during which you look each other in the eyes. It's easy to fall in hers, the infinite pool of water so inviting, so full of hurt to learn and comfort to find. You could read a full life, and something more, a spark no one else had. It lasts a few seconds, before you get back to the star chart, and she stands up to go get some water. When she comes back, she brings some to you, and you thank her in a whisper. She starts to clean her weapons and tinkers with her widow bites to try and repair them. While she does that, she notices you talking to yourself when you plan your next course and smiles slightly while looking down. Her lips crack from three days spent in what was virtually a desert.

Somehow, it makes her think of home.

-

Everything is ready for take off, and as your hand hovers over the handle ,you send a look to June. She gives you a thumbs up, but you know she isn't as sure as she looks, you know she probably thinks there is a small uncertain chance you will crash again and not survive this time. But with the help of Natasha - turns out she's a good mechanic at least - and some of the maintenance crew, you managed to repair the ship earlier than June told you the first time.

"Okay, up and away we go," you whisper to yourself as you push the thrusters. "Let's hope."

The ship shakes under the building pressure, but it holds. You push them some more as you gain elevation, the ground further and further away, and before you know it, you manage to leave Vormir's atmosphere.

You let out a breath of relief.

The ship stabilizes under you, and you send a thumbs up to June this time. As you go back to the console, your gaze crosses with Natasha's, and you exchange a small smile. You only had brief talks since she joined you, but she always was nice to everyone, if a bit short with Tim. The giant humanoid feline was still suspicious of her, the same way he was suspicious of almost everyone. You mainly tried to ignore the small brewing conflict, but it was getting harder. For now, you were simply happy to be back in space and not in pieces.

"We're green across the board," you announced, and everyone let the reassurance lift the weight off their shoulders. You then focus back on the ship. You still had to have the autopilot calibrated to the nearest jump point that would allow you to access the Nova Corps, then, if you were lucky, Earth.

It takes you little time to get the autopilot calibrated, and once you do you notice Natasha is still watching you, where the others simply went back to their activities. She's leaning against the hull, her arms crossed, a spark of curiosity in her eyes.

"How did you learn to pilot?"

"Observation. When we… commandeered this ship–"

"You stole it?" She raises an eyebrow.

"They were bad people." She nods, and you continue. "We had aliens with us. I just watched them pilot and learned via observation."

"Not everyone could have done that. What did you do back on Earth?" Her interest starts to make you the slightest uncomfortable, but you simply answer with a shrug.

"I worked some job that barely matters anymore."

"Never had a flying lesson?"

You shake your head no, and you notice admiration in her traits. It seems like you impressed her.

"I'm impressed," she confirms. "It takes some exceptional skills to pick up something like that."

Somehow, it makes you blush slightly and your chest rises with pride. You look away to hide it as you feel conflicted, and decide it's probably because the only other person you spent time with the past few years has been June, and she's not one to show admiration for others. Definitely nothing to do with Natasha herself being incredibly competent, and pretty. Very pretty.

Your eyes can't help but wander back to her when you notice the way the dim lights from the ship are highlighting her sharp jaw and her cheekbones, her long lashes projecting their shadows on her delicate skin. You realize you're staring, and that she's actually staring back. It makes you slightly uncomfortable, as you feel that after five years, there isn't much to look at, so you decide to break the brief silence.

"It's not… maybe a bit but– you know, you look tired. Maybe you should rest or something?" You fumble to change the subject. She has the audacity to smirk, and you want to cross your arms like a petulant child who's been caught in the cookie jar. But she's nice, and simply agrees.

"I should. You should too, commander." There is some teasing behind her voice, and you sputter a bit. She doesn't wait for an answer before she ducks back to the other side of the ship.

You stay there for a minute, trying to process the whole conversation. Was she…? Was that flirting? No. No way. You frown, trying to understand what just happened.

"Nope, no way. She's right I'm just tired," you finally settle on. You stand up and go back to the living side of the ship, asking Tim to keep an eye on the trajectory before you join your bunk. It was more a hole in the wall with a mattress stuck in it than anything else, but it was yours. There was another bunk on top of yours, where you kept some of your stuff before the arrival of everyone, but it had been cleared to give space to them. On the other side of the room, there is the same configuration, and on the top bunk you can make the silhouette of the spy. 

It's the last thing you see before you fall asleep, and you wonder how long the newfound safety you felt is going to last.

[dreamchasernina]

Your opinion on "Love is a battlefield" comic ? I rly see some ppl on tumblr call a nice guy or incel cause of this.

I’ve been wanting to talk about that comic for a while so thank you for asking me this. So I got the lost adventure comics a month ago and I enjoyed them very much. When I got to this specific comic I suddenly remembered that everyone found it problematic so I was glad to finally read it myself to see what the problem was.

So if some of you haven't read this comic it's about Aang and Katara, where Katara pressures Aang into a training session to see him firebend. Aang thinks Katara wants to talk about their kiss right before the invasion, but is disappointed to see it’s not. Katara actively tries to avoid talking about that, so she starts attacking Aang so he would fight back. Aang locks himself in a rock like he does in the finale and tells Katara he doesn’t want to train, until he gives in, firebends the rock like a volcano almost hurting Katara. After which he just storms off.

I’ve read a lot of ATLA comics and some of them do have moments where the characters are not themselves. But, never have I seen a comic that mischaracterizes the characters as bad as this one. Genuinely, does Aang seem like someone who would get angry and lash out with his bending? Forget the avatar state, that’s when he is so consumed by rage he loses himself. I’m talking about Aang getting casually angry and actually bending in anger? Looking at the show Aang gets angry multiple times, in the great divide, in the finale, the chase, just to name a few…and never ever does he use bending in anger, EVER, except in The Desert because he is so consumed by his rage about losing Appa. The whole The Desert episode highlights how Aang is not himself, that’s why it’s so impactful, because Aang is a complete opposite of who he usually is. Outside of that episode, Aang never uses his bending in anger, ESPECIALLY at people he cares about.

And even more importantly, is this writer trying to tell me that after the storyline where Aang learns to fire bend and hurts Katara in his recklessness, he is so traumatized by that he swears off firebending completely, doesn't want to use it ever again until he discovers fire is not meant for destruction and he just needs to learn to control it...after all that YOU WANT TO TELL ME AANG RISKS HURTING KATARA AGAIN WITH FIREBEDNING BECAUSE HE GETS MAD???? WHAT IS THIS WRITER SMOKING. Talk about character assassination because what the hell is this? How was this ever approved? Two episodes before this comic is supposed to take place Aang tells Zuko “now I know you understand how easy it is to hurt the people you love”…he accepts Zuko because he admits he needs to control his bending so he doesn’t hurt anyone unintentionally…and you want me to believe 2 episode after this Aang almost hurts Katara unintentionally with the element he was afraid to use again for 2 seasons?? Truly, I do not understand how this got published.

Now, as obvious as it is that Aang is out of character in this comic a lot of people don’t notice that Katara is very much not herself either. BECAUSE THAT IS NOT KATARA PEOPLE! Katara, the most gentle and caring member of the Gaang, who has spent the entirety of the Bitter Work episode telling Toph not to put too much pressure on Aang and try positive reinforcement and a gentle nudge in the right direction to teach him…STARTS THROWING ICICLES AT AANG WHEN HE SAYS HE DOESNT WANT TO TRAIN AND IS VISIBLY UPSET???? She sneaks up on him, splashes water on him, laughs at him and then proceeds to attack him to force him to train. Oh yeah, that’s definitely Katara right there…this writer definitely knows the characters…

I don’t know who wrote this comic, I heard it’s a ZK shipper? If this was written by ZK shipper it suddenly makes sense because they wrote Aang exactly like Zuko would've behaved. Zuko is the one who’s known to lash out in anger and firebend at people he’s angry at, NOT AANG. Now, I can’t confirm nor deny this claim, again I don't know who this writer is, but I need them to sit their ass down and watch the damn show and never touch these characters again.

[the-most-faithful]

Yesterday's discussion continues

I asked the person who said Snape wanted to possess Lily and not protect her about the canon evidence

This is what he replied to me. "Snape tries to alienate Lily from everyone" but as said yesterday this is false, Lily has other friends, even if Severus is her best friend. the only one who tries to distance Lily from someone is James, who irremediably destroys the relationship with Petunia and bullies Snape for years

All of Snape's hallmarks aren't really canon. But hey I mentioned James Potter and that's the rabbit hole. It amuses me too much to see how Snaters easily lose the plot and contradict themselves.

So they admits that James was a bully BUT... James doesn't push her away from those close to her. FALSE. As I said before he bullies her best friend for years, humiliates him and actively causes the end of their friendship. He destroys her relationship with her sister forever and is the main reason Vernon hates Harry.

In canon James asked Lily out several times until she accepted. This is psychological pressure, THIS is a warning sign.

The fact that they say "he only asked once" is patently false. Or are you telling me that we should ONLY rely on what we actively see in canon? Because in this case all the things told don't count, everything that COULD have happened doesn't count. And then the bad guys are actively bullies without any ifs or buts because we only see the worst. But this doesn't suit the Snaters so they try to mix things up. "Snape attacks James tons of times without provocation." When? at that point or occasion? When do we see this thing? NEVER. Are we told? Never.

The only time (and the fact that I should say this is worrying) is when Lupin tells us that LAST year Snape started attacking James. So 6 years of bullying should be forgotten because at the last minute Snape starts to react?

Bullying remains bullying even if the victim reacts, even if the victim is not a good person

"james is everything Snape isn't and probably wants to be (though I'll admit that last is my own thought)"

Once again FALSE, this is something Lupin tells us but it's not true, he only tells Harry to try to justify James. Snape has never been envious of James, quite the opposite. The author herself said it

James Potter's hostility toword Severus was fueled partially by his jealousy of Snape and Lily's friendship

The jealous one was James, not Snape.

do you know what they replied to this?

Having no handles, he says that James didn't bully Snape because the two of them attacked each other. Remember what I said at the beginning? They are contradicting themselves, just above they wrote, and I quote: "James is a bully aye" And now the two have a rivalry, it's just ridiculous.

And here ends the conversation (for now) Do you understand how ridiculous and senseless this all is? I asked for evidence that Snape wanted to possess Lily and not save her and what I got were FALSE facts, which I debunked, contradictions and finally the accusation of ignoring canon when everything they told me was not canon. This is the attitude of someone who doesn't really know how to have a discussion. I'll leave it up to you to judge

​

[slayerkitty]

(Stages of) Grief and Loss in Last Twilight

So apparently I'm ready to meta this show right out of the gate! That's never happened before, lol. The last P'Aof show that aired was Moonlight Chicken and I was still learning about BL as a genre as well getting caught up on various BLs (I mean, I'm still getting caught up, but I'm way more well versed now, lol). It's exciting, actually getting to meta a P'Aof show.

@twig-tea was the first of the former Only Friends Ephemerality Squad to discuss Last Twilight with a focus on liminality. During our discussion on the characters and how liminality was affecting them, I mentioned that grief is liminal; @twig-tea replied with "When you’re in grief you’re not in the same space you were, and coming out the other side you’re different and the world feels different, and grief feels interminable, and you can’t feel the passing of time the same way."

That sentence, of course, got me thinking about the grieving process (because P'Aof seems to be once again using his art to work through his emotions surrounding loss; I remember that it was said he used Moonlight Chicken for this as well). I was further prompted by @waitmyturtles and their commentary on Mhok (Mork? I know Jimmy sanctioned Mork; have we settled on a spelling?) and how he is angry about and distanced from his sister's death.

Depending on where you look, there are 5-7 "stages" of grief. Per Medical News Today, they're listed as: Shock: This stage may involve numbed disbelief in response to news of a loss. It may serve as an emotional buffer to prevent someone from feeling overwhelmed. Denial: Denial may entail refuting the reality of the loss or any associated feelings. Once an individual accepts reality, they can move forward through the healing process. Anger: During this stage, an individual may direct their anger toward the person who died, doctors, family members, or even religious entities. It is important to address the anger. Bargaining: Bargaining involves thoughts such as “I will do anything if you take away the pain.” This stage may come at any point within the grieving process. It is frequently accompanied by guilt. Depression: At this stage, a person may experience feelings of emptiness and intense sadness. They may also withdraw from daily activities and things they once enjoyed. Testing: Testing is the process of trying to find solutions that offer a means of dealing with loss. Someone may drift in and out of other grieving stages during this time. Acceptance: This is the final stage of the grieving process. Acceptance does not mean people feel OK about a loss. Rather, it means they realize the loss is their new reality. They understand that while life will not continue as it did before, it will go on. This stage may involve reorganizing roles and forming new relationships.

I wanted to give a closer examination of specifically Mhok and Day and where they're at in the grieving process at the start of the show, as they've both suffered tragic, massive (albeit entirely different) losses.

Mhok:

Mohk's losses are huge but mostly affect only him. Prior to the start of the show, he had lost his parents (how they died and how long they've been gone isn't really mentioned but he and Rung don't seem too grief-stricken in the flashback to visiting them). He made a mistake, a fight went too far and he lost his freedom (so I'm a little unclear exactly how much time he spent in jail - was it the full year? or six months?), as well as presumably his home and his job.

Somewhere in the ensuing jail time, he lost his friends (assuming he was telling the truth to the guy who took his ankle monitor off) and it's implied he lost his girlfriend (I am fascinated by Mhok's relationship with his ex; with everything else he lost, he has managed to maintain a friendship with her - so much so that she has a boyfriend and it doesn't even phase him). The night Mhok is arrested, he loses his last remaining family member, his sister. Rung's death is clearly the thing he's struggling with the most - as @waitmyturtles said "There’s a lot of anger, a lot of regret, a lot of avoidance, a lot of dancing around the honest truth."

Mhok seems to have reached acceptance with most of the things he's lost - his parents, his job, his friends, his girlfriend - but he is struggling with his anger over his current situation (needing a job so he can, you know, have money to live - and also pay for his sister's car storage) as well as the anger he clearly feels toward his sister. Given how she died, Mhok says she's to blame.

Day:

Day's losses are completely different and affect everyone in his life, most notably his mother and his brother. While Mhok was just muddling through life before he lost everything, Day is at the top of the world. He's a champion badminton player, headed into an important match when the unthinkable happens - his vision goes blurry and he can't see clearly. Now, we don't get a lot of info up front about exactly what's wrong with Day's vision - one of the nurses at the hospital says he had some sort of car accident (where I'm assuming he would have hit his head?). As a result of his injury, Day has lost his career, but more importantly, he's lost control over his life.

His injury is in control now - every moment of every day is now centered around the fact that he can't see. Every interaction he has with his family has to do with his vision loss. What's interesting is that he seems to be fairly accepting of his injury, of the fact that he can't see. It's the way he's being treated as a result that is making him angry - his family is definitely made it so he has little to no agency and no self-sufficiency in his life. He's in a wheelchair so he can be pushed around the house (instead of just being able to learn where the furniture is and walk himself - though he is still getting over an ankle injury). His brother is giving up his entire life it seems to be Day's carer - something clearly neither of them want.

So we have two angry men with dealing with massive loss - and knowing P'Aof, we will go along on their journey acceptance and healing.

Tagging @waitmyturtles, @twig-tea, @ranchthoughts

If you'd like to be tagged in future metas, let me know and I'll add you!

[nighthaunting]

i have been trying and failing to make a well-worded post about the wild increase in ageism i've been seeing from people who claim to be progressive and anti-discrimination that appropriately extracts the issue from current politics in a way that will actually let people understand what i'm talking about without it getting mistaken for some kind of apologia but this is honestly bothering me so much i don't care anymore

calling every older or elderly person who is doing things you dislike "demented" or talking about how they must have "dementia" or be "sundowning" is ageism flat out, with a nice soupçon of ableism on top

the automatic assumption that dementia is just something that 'happens' to every elderly person is ageism (and also ableism) and also a very harmful and frightening stereotype

the lack of understanding of what dementia actually is and what it looks like, as opposed to other neurodegenerative disorders and disorders that can cause cognitive decline or cognitive disruption as symptoms, is actively harmful

the people this harms are not the wealthy and privileged people who are doing the things you dislike

the people this harms are regular people who not only have to deal with an extremely youth-focused culture, widespread age-based discrimination, and widespread ableism but also the stereotype that every elderly person who doesn't speak with the clarity, diction, and humorlessness of a news anchor must be demented

the old lady who is being forced out of her home so her children can sell it and profit off the house she's lived for most of her life because they're saying she's got "dementia" and needs to be institutionalized is a victim of elder abuse enabled by this stereotype

the old man with a uti who starts having cognitive disruption caused by the infection and ends up getting misdiagnosed and foisted off into a skilled nursing facility where no one notices that the infection's reached his kidneys until he's actively septic and dying is a victim of medical malpractice enabled by this stereotype

the old lady who starts slurring her speech and having difficulty remembering isn't demented she's had a fucking stroke and needs to be taken to the hospital

if literally none of the rest of this is enough to get through to anyone please do consider that one day you too will be old and have to deal with every younger person you interact with being willing to dismiss anything you say at any time because hyper youth focused culture has convinced them that everyone over the age of 50 is a decrepit mummy about to precipitously start losing mental faculties

the sheer disdain and virulent hate i've been seeing recently as people express their feelings about The Current Politics...while using every derogatory term for elderly people they can think of....everyone needs to remember that insult reflection meme because whichever current politician you hate can't hear you saying that everyone over 70 should be forced into a rest home but your older family members sure fucking can

real true life story of someone i know:

elderly person went to the ER and got stuck in a bed in the hallway for three days because it was so overcrowded. when they went in they were completely oriented and aware, no cognitive decline of any kind, and by the time they managed to get out of there, after spending three days in pain and unable to sleep at all because they were laying in a bed, in a brightly lit and busy hallway, where people were constantly walking past and intercoms were constantly sounding overhead, the discharging nurse was trying to connect them with a social worker to help their family get them into care for their dementia because they'd gotten hospital delirium but never actually been assessed for their cognitive function so the nurse just assumed they must normally be like this

i don't think anyone here really understands how easily that even a young and healthy person being put under stressors like lack of sleep and illness can start having cognitive issues. every healthy 20-something i have ever interacted with who's told a funny story about how they barely got any sleep for a few days and then had some amusing cognitive slip, especially those who've then turned around and dismissed an older person as being "demented", are really only 30-40 years away from being that older person who's dismissed as being "demented"

once again, if you are very lucky, then someday you too will be old and having to deal with how our culture treats the elderly so it is in our best interests to start changing that culture NOW

[a-friendly-fangirl]

Random thoughts on We're in Love (or "Your average Italian girl has had an awful week and Boygenius' love saves her ass again"):

So, I've been listening to the Boys and to their solo stuff the whole week (for the past 5 months, to be honest... but who's counting?) and I've been going crazy lately for the beauty of We're in Love.

I think we can all acknowledge that that song is one of the greatest songs in "The Record" and one of the best ever written. And then I started bawling, when my mind got stuck on its lyrics and realised just how heartbreaking and beautiful it is.

This will be kind of my personal analysis (also inspired by some suggestions here and there... thank you to all the geniuses around that have noticed certain things. I wish I could write down all your names, but my memory is awful), so if you disagree with it or feel the need to add something, do it. I'd be happy to meet more Boygenius fans!

Ok, I'd like to begin with the third and fourth line of the first verse, where Lucy sings: "I don't need the symbol of a scar/ So put down the knife, we're not swapping blood". And yet, in "The film", Julien still takes a blood oath with the young versions of Lucy and Phoebe. I think that this was such an interesting choice to make, considering the difference between the words and the actions. This actually makes sense though, when underlining that 20$ is Julien's song and these words belong to Lucy.

Julien, as her solo albums readily witness, has no real problem with hurting herself ('Cause I'm so good at hurting myself - Brittle Boned) both physically and psychologically. We also know, from 20$, that she does believe in being connected to Phoebe and Lucy in every universe or life (In another life we were arsonists). Lucy does too with them (And I told you of your past lives; In the next one [life], will you find me? - We're in Love). Same goes for Phoebe, even though it's a little more subtle with her. In fact, more than believing in other lives, she seems to believe in changing herself in the present life, so much that, even though Emily I'm Sorry is her song, she has decided to sing it with her best friends, because, maybe, she'd rather be someone that can be loved by them in particular and not someone only Emily "could want".

To better understand the scar line/imagery, I think it important to notice that Julien doesn't take the blood oath with her adult friends but with their younger selves. In my opinion, it's like a machine has brought them in Julien's universe or timeline to help her get out of her home, which, listening to her music, is a synonym of recovery or at least of a better state of mind (in Go Home and Please Stay, it is quite clear: "I wanna go home, I'm sick", while in Graceland Too she finally gets out once she's feeling better). But, not belonging there (and we know they don't thanks to Julien's surprised expression when she sees little Phoebe), pehaps she's afraid that she'll lose them once they're done with the car, therefore asking them to do that oath. Childhood scars never fully leave us, so Julien might be convinced that it'll help adult Phoebe and Lucy to remember her, once they meet as intended or hoped.

When you think about it, the layers here are so many that it's scary. Scars have always at least a touch of negativity, even when you get them for something not negative per se (I have so many scars I got from running around as a child...), because they always follow pain. Julien and Phoebe have dealt with it their whole life and have actively put themselves through it more than once, so of course Julien chooses to use a knife (which also brings us back again to Please Stay: "The hunting knife you kept by your bed". I don't think the mention in We're in Love is a coincidence) against herself if it means being sure Phoebe and Lucy know it's her. But Lucy stops her for two main reasons:

Julien won't have to wait for them to find her, because she and Phoebe will, according to Lucy, be the ones going to her, if they want to (Will you find me?);

Instead of remembering each other through something painful, they could use the happy and positive memories they've shared in this life. Lucy once again wants to do everything in her power to dismantle her friends' self-destructive tendencies and replace them with something good (even the "happy" in Letter to an Old Poet was her suggestion).

Moving on to the next lines (Isn't it enough that we stripped down to our skin?/ Cold and porcelain like bathers in a painting), the beauty of this specific portrait delivered by Lucy kind of proves the point just made. Saying that the skin is "cold" and "porcelain" delivers a poetic image of extreme fragility that could be both literal or figurative and it shows just how much they trust each other. What Lucy appears to be pointing out is that she doesn't need any more pain to believe they're in love with each other, since they've already done the great sacrifice of showing themselves when they were most vulnerable (something they're still learning to do, according to recent interviews).

In Lucy's specific case (And I told you of your past lives, every man you've ever been/ It wasn't flattering, but you listened like it mattered), I'd go as far as to think that she did that by letting Phoebe and Julien listen to the stories of her past friendships or even relationships, telling them whom she had had by her side before them. She sings that that tale wasn't flattering: why? If I had to express myself on that, I'd guess, by her albums, that, just like any other human being, even Lucy has had a lot of troubled bonds with people she might have wrongly thought were as true and loyal to her as the Boys are now (take Strange Torpedo, Nonbeliever or Brando as examples). My personal take on this part is that she hasn't tried to tell Phoebe and Julien who they've been in the past, but to confess them who had had their roles in her life previously, feeling perhaps embarassed by it. But they're in no way bored or mad at her for that, listening, however, "like it mattered" (quoting True Blue: "It doesn't matter anymore", 'cause they're together now, but it is still important to her that they are paying attention to this part of her story).

She also admits being open to them about her own insecurities, especially the fear of being or seeming crazy (I feel crazy in ways I never say/ Will you still love me if it turns out I'm insane?/ I know what you'll say, but it helps to hear you say it anyway), making herself vulnerable by exposing this side of her she usually keeps hidden in hope of being reassured by them, which they've probably done a thousand times already.

Long story short, coming to the end of the first chorus: Lucy loves and values them for the trust they've put in each other and no scar will ever match that feeling. I have a lot more to say about the rest of the song, but this is mostly me ranting about it, so I'll see how it goes. Sorry for all of this :P