#she cares theres just a lot of hurt there
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Adopt a Jock Part One / Part Two / Part Three PART FOUR YOU ARE HERE Part five
As always I own my entire soul to @chalkysgarbagefire
Steve didn't show up to lunch that Monday.
This was a problem, because Gareth and Eddie had carefully prepared the entirety of Hellfire to help make Steve play a D&D one-shot.
(Well, mostly Eddie--and he'd left out the parts about how the entire goal was to acclimate Harrington to hugs and high fives.
Gareth assumed that was a more careful conversation they'd all have later, outside of school grounds.)
"Eds, if you jiggle your legs any harder the table is going to take flight." Gareth complained, scooting away before he got jabbed in the gut.
"Where is he!?" Eddie muttered, glancing at his watch for what had to be the twenty-fifth time. “Are we sure he showed up to class this morning?"
Stewart, the only person to share a class with Harrington, gave their leader an exasperated look. "Yes, I’m sure."
He flicked his spoon, pointing it towards Eddie. "And yes he looked fine, yes, everything seemed normal, no I don't know why he's not here and no, no one fucking abducted him, or threatened him, or any of the other crazy excuses you keep coming up with!”
Eddie’s frown deepened as Gareth and Grant traded concerned glances.
"Maybe he just didn't want to sit with us today." Jeff remarked, approaching the topic with the same care a technician had when approaching a live bomb.
Gareth thought it was a smart move, considering Eddie looked like he was about to rocket into the ceiling.
"He's sat with us everyday, why would he change now?" Eddie argued.
"Maybe there's a basketball thing happening. Or he's saying hi to his jock buddies." Gareth tried, using the same cautious tone Jeff had.
"We’re his friends!" Eddie snapped, looking two seconds away from losing his shit entirely.
Almost unconsciously, Gareth and Jeff both raised a hand almost to try and help calm him.
Like he was a wild horse and they were the preteen girls in the movies determined to establish a bond before he killed their grandpa or some shit.
This was what happened when one deviated from a predetermined Munson-made plan. Not that Steve had known that of course, but then, he wasn’t exactly catching the fallout, was he?
‘I am making Harrington buy lunch after this.’ Gareth thought, as Eddie returned to bouncing both his legs almost frantically. ‘From someplace expensive.’
"Maybe Hargrove ate him." Grant suggested, as if the very thought of Billy Hargrove wouldn’t set Eddie off on a rampage.
"I could see it." Stewart agreed. "Dude has cannibal vibes."
"Not. Helping." Jeff hissed, his palm still in the air and hovering vaguely over Eddie’s shoulder.
Sure enough, Eddie’s entire body tensed at the mere mention of Hawkin High’s new King. "That’s it. We’re going to find him.”
“Have fun.” Tiff said, waving him off.
Eddie glared. “We’re all going.” He practically spat.
With a put upon sigh, Tiff set her food down. "You really want to spend the rest of our lunch period stalking around the hallways looking for Harrington?"
Eddie gripped the edge of the table so hard his knuckles went white.
"Yes Tiff, I do." He said, a manic gleam in his eyes.
He shoved up from the table, striking the kind of pose he often used during his rants. “This is a break in a pattern of behavior. A veer from an established path! This is the very first sign in every horror movie that something is wrong!”
He went to put his foot up on the edge of the table, like a pirate captain looking to the seas ahead, but instead missed it entirely and fell forward.
Eddie flailed for a moment, before managing to catch himself on the edge of the table. Instantly he began acting like he’d intended to fall like that from the start.
“I refuse to let any of us behave like idiotic, stupid, horror movie characters.” He finished dramatically, hair hanging in his face.
“You’ve been watching that Sherlock Holmes show again, haven’t you?.” Jeff asked him flatly.
“Among other things.” Gareth muttered, because as usual, he was the one who’d been watching said shows and movies with Eddie.
Not that it bothered him any, just that it meant he got to watch his best friend adopt new behaviors in real time.
Eddie flew back up, flinging his hair out of his face with a dramatic toss of his head.
“Come on my Watson’s! Let’s go find Harrington. I have a one-shot to pitch dammit!” Eddie outright yelled, flinging his arm skyward once again.
He got several startled glances in the cafeteria for it, but as used to Eddie as they all were, no one bothered to say anything to him.
“Why the fuck would we all be Watson?” Stewart muttered as he stood.
“I agree. Obviously, I’d be Watson.” Gareth said, also getting to his feet. “You’d be Mrs. Hudson.”
“Oh fuck you, I would at least be the other crazy smart dude.”
“Mycroft or Moriarty?”
“Mycroft.” Grant and Jeff chanted as one, the both of them putting their food away.
“Not one of you is any Sherlock Holmes character. Except maybe the dog.” Tiff cut in with an eye roll as she finally gave in and stood herself. "Now come on, let's go take Eddie for a walk."
Said metalhead flipped her the bird, but otherwise didn't protest.
(Probably because this wasn't the first time they'd had to do laps with Eddie.)
xXx
"Maybe he just went home." Gareth said reasonably some fifteen or so minutes later.
They'd made their way through the school, Eddie obnoxiously bursting through all the bathroom doors to loudly (and embarrassingly) yell for Steve.
They hadn't seen hide nor perfectly shaped hair of their wayward jock, and none of them were looking forward to trapezing around the outside of the school to hunt for him.
Thankfully, they didn't have to.
"Wait.” Tiffany asked, as they passed by the small little hallway leading to the art and photography rooms. “Is that Steve?"
Immediately all heads turned towards the direction she had pointed in.
"I think so?" Jeff guessed, eyeing the guy standing in the hallway down from them.
Gareth squinted, trying to get a better look. "Looks like." He agreed. "Also looks like Tiff was right, he is hanging out with other people."
Eddie tensed at that. A true feat, Gareth thought, because he was already wound so tight he looked in danger of snapping in half.
"Fucking useless." Tiff muttered.
Louder, she said; "Let's try that again. Isn't that our idiot jock with his ex-girlfriend and the guy she supposedly cheated on him with?"
The lot of them watched as Steve stood in one of his classic defensive positions (arms tucked into his sides, back rigid and chin down, like he was about to perform some kind of football tackle.)
Nancy Wheeler faced him, her own chin raised and her arms crossed like she was about to give the lecture of a lifetime.
In between them stood Jonathan Byers, though he was angled more towards his girlfriend than Steve. The guy practically radiated discomfort but seemed to be managing.
Even if his shoulders were practically above his ears.
It didn't exactly look like a two on one situation, but then it didn't not look like it either.
"Shit." Gareth said, which summed up the situation rather nicely.
"Should we go save him?" Grant asked, concerned.
Not one person moved.
Instead, all eyes went to their fearless leader--who was uncharacteristically silent.
Gareth took in the narrowed, frantic-turned-furious look upon his friend's face and wondered vaguely if he was going to have to stop a murder today.
Possibly two, depending on Byer’s involvement.
"Defensive position boys!" Tiffany called out, breaking the spell with sheer volume as she made the decision for them. "Eddie, you with us or not?"
Brave words for her, considering Gareth knew damn well that Tiff was often more bark than bite.
Thankfully, it worked.
"Right!" Eddie barked, jerking in place as he came back to himself. "Our Stevie needs us, men and Tiff!"
He pointed forwards, like a war general leading a charge. "Hellfire, move out!"
Fanning out into a triangle behind their club president, the lot of them followed as Eddie marched forward.
"You know I didn't mean it like that." Nancy was saying, and even though Gareth didn't know her he could tell she was frustrated.
"You have people you can talk to. You have m--" she cut herself off when Eddie strode up next to Steve.
Then blinked rapidly, reminding Gareth of a startled cocker spaniel when the rest of Hellfire fanned out around Harrington like wolves guarding their young.
(Or brightly colored and very angry ducks, but wolves sounded cooler.
Plus the last time he'd said something like this aloud; Grant had loudly informed him it was actually Muskox that made protective circles, Stewart brought up that triceratops were cooler, Jeff decided they should be bees and Tiffany had gone off on a tangent about badly done animal behavioral studies.)
"I daresay I agree!" Eddie said, taking a dramatic leap forward and startling Steve and Byers both.
That alone was a cause to worry--Gareth couldn't recall a single time Steve wasn't hyper-aware of his surroundings enough to get properly lost in it.
At least lost enough that he missed an entire group of people approaching.
"Steve is more than welcome to talk to people! His people." Eddie leaned forward a touch, the smirk on his face the one he used when he was playing up his role as the town's satanist cult leader.
To her credit, Nancy recovered remarkably fast. "I take it you believe that's you?"
Eddie reared back, like a cobra rising to strike. "Why Nancy Wheeler, Stevie here is an adult and can choose who he wants to talk to.”
He turned, one hand over his heart and the other held out to Steve. " Ain’t that right, big boy?”
Nancy and Byers both just stared.
Gareth couldn’t blame them, he was staring too.
Apparently deciding Eddie was too ridiculous to deal with, Nancy returned instead to talking to Steve--who, Gareth noted with more than his fair share of pride, looked a bit more grounded now that Hellfire had arrived.
“I understand that we’re in a weird place right now, but you have to know I still care about you, right?” Nancy bit her lip, clearly unhappy to have an audience but plowing ahead anyway.
"I'm fine, Nance.” Steve told her, voice steady, but growing flat.
He was shutting down--shutting her out, if not everyone out. Gareth knew, if only because he’d watched Harrington do it to them more than once.
(Knew because he himself had shut downs just like this. Eddie and Nancy were the kind of people who got loud in their anger, demanding people see and face them.
Gareth on the other hand, even with his more explosive temper, often ended up more like Steve when faced with breakdowns with people he cared about. He didn’t want to hurt them. To say the wrong thing, to lash out when someone was just trying to help.
It was safer to shut up, back away and put some distance between yourself and whoever had pissed you off.)
Either Nancy wasn’t aware of that or was too deep into her own emotions to see it, because she took a half step forward. “I know you’re not fine. I know you, Steve.”
“Not anymore you don’t.” Steve responded, and Gareth wondered if he realized he was leaning away from her--and towards Eddie.
Considering the way Wheeler’s eyes bounced between them, he knew she definitely had.
Quite possible Byers too, from how he had to stop himself from pulling Nancy away.
“I’ve been working hard to become someone else.” Steve added. “So you don’t have to feel responsible for me. I’m not your problem anymore.” He spoke without malice, just with the pure emptiness of someone who completely believed everything he said.
“Steve-” Nancy protested, but Eddie cut her off.
"You heard him." He said, peacocking his little social win in a way only Eddie could. "Now if you don't mind, I have extremely important things to discuss and you have cut drastically into my time."
He flicked his fingers in a shoo gesture, one that made Nancy's eyes spark in a way that quite frankly, terrified Gareth.
"Fine." She grit out through clenched teeth. "You know I’m always available to talk, Steve."
She strode off, passing Steve and the rest of Hellfire without a glance backwards.
"Sorry man." Jonathan muttered apologetically to Steve as he passed, following after his girlfriend.
Steve waved him off.
"Well she's just a delight." Jeff muttered, once Nancy was well out of hearing range.
Steve's entire chest heaved in a sigh, swaying slightly backwards as if the entire confrontation had physically drained him.
"She's trying to help.” Steve muttered softly, scrubbing a hand down his face. “She's just...coming at it wrong."
He turned, seeming to finally notice that all of Hellfire was there. "What are you all doing out here anyway?"
"Rescuing you." Grant informed him.
"From Nancy and Jonathan?" Steve said in disbelief.
Like Byers hadn't supposedly kicked his ass already. Nevermind the moping Wheeler had caused.
(The entire school had witnessed the moping.
It was, after all, part of what had drawn Eddie to Steve.)
"Yes." Tiff replied bluntly. “Also if she corners you like that again, I will make it my personal mission in life to top all her test scores.”
"I--okay." Steve blinked rapidly, clearly unsure of how to process that.
“Not that I needed rescuing,” He continued after a moment, staring at the whole group. “But why were you looking for me in the first place?”
His voice was slowly recovering, coming out of that weird flatness it had scrunched itself into. It was an excellent sign, a sign of trust, and Gareth leapt to keep it before someone could say something stupid and fuck it up.
"Eddie needed you to pitch his next one shot idea and couldn't wait for you to show up." Gareth admitted. “We decided to hunt you down since you were missing lunch.”
“Oh.” Steve blinked again, and though it’d be concerning on anyone else, the guy just looked like a lost puppy. “I’m sorry man.”
“It's alright Stevie. I just thought you'd totally ditched us.” Eddie sniffed dramatically, looking like he was going to wing an arm around Steve’s shoulder but thought better of it. “No biggie.”
He pouted, and made absolutely sure Steve could see him do it.
“Is this you trying to get more of my M&M brownies?” Steve asked after a moment.
“Oh my dear, sweet, athletic friend. Not at all. Instead, you are going to play the one shot I worked so hard on.” Eddie bounced his shoulder into him as he spoke.
It was a weird little compromise the two of them seemed to have, since Gareth had regularly witnessed Eddie ping-ponging off Steve’s shoulders. “Let us break your tabletop cherry.”
“Or what?” Steve asked, the tiniest bit of humor peaking through.
Eddie stared at him, abruptly still and completely serious. “I will cry, Steven. Loudly.”
It brought a small smile to Steve’s face.
“Fine. I’ll play your dumb dweeb game.” He said, and couldn’t seem to stop the smile from overtaking his face when Eddie threw his arms in the air and cheered.
“Come on, I’m pretty sure the bell rang forever ago.” Jeff said, as they began to venture out back to the main hallway.
(“Hey guys?” Steve asked, right before they all split up to go to their various classes. “Thanks. For the save.”
Eddie positively beamed. “Anytime, Steve. Anytime.”)
xXx
“Hey Gareth?” Steve asked a few days later, joining Gareth in the library during his free period.
(Gareth himself was skipping, because if he had to listen to yet another lesson on the Crucible he was going to declare himself a satan worshiping witch and demand to be hanged.)
Gareth hummed to show he heard, as he carefully took stock of the loot he’d gotten from their last game. Eddie had been pretty good about it for once, and he wanted to look things over before the one shot.
“Can I ask kind of a weird question?” Steve rubbed the back of his neck, embarrassed.
“Shoot, Stevie.” Gareth replied, finally comfortable enough to use the main nickname Eddie had nailed the poor guy with.
“Did Eddie give me a character with bad eyesight or “night vision” or whatever, because he thinks I have bad eyesight?” Steve’s fingers made sassy little air quotations around “night vision” because he knew damn well it wasn’t called that and didn’t want to get chewed out.
It was appreciated, even if it was cheeky as shit.
Gareth stopped writing. “Why’d you think that?”
“He just keeps acting like I’m my character.” Steve replied with a shrug. “Like all that stuff we planned about how my character gets around and relies on the group since he can’t see that great in the daylight? He does it for me too.”
“It’s Eddie, he’s eccentric.” Gareth struggled to keep a straight face, trying not to give the game away.
Laughing would absolutely clue Steve in to the fact that Eddie was doing it on purpose.
“He just keeps telling me before he touches me. Outside of the game.” Steve continued, utterly baffled.
Of course, Eddie was doing far more than that, in order to keep up the appearance that he was just being a weirdo who was too into his game. (Instead of trying to alert Steve to the fact he was going to lean on him, hug him, or do any other thing involving skin to skin contact that usually made Harrington panic.)
“If you don’t like it you should tell him,” Gareth said. He knew it was the better option, encouraging Steve to communicate. They could come up with something else if this was too weird (as frankly, many of Eddie’s plans could be.
Bless the guy but he had a habit of going for the dramatic over the practical.)
“No!” Steve protested, far too quickly.
He cleared his throat with a cough, and continued in a much calmer voice, “No, I don’t wanna ruin his fun or anything.”
As far as excuses go for letting something happen it was a weak one, but Gareth wasn’t going to call him on it. If Steve wanted to hide behind Eddie and his “fun” then Gareth would happily pretend to buy it.
Would buy whatever excuse Steve needed, to help make the guy feel more comfortable and like himself than the still often vacant ghost that hung around now.
“Just wanted to know if he actually thought my eyesight sucked.” Steve finished in a mumble.
“Well you did trip over the curb that one time.” Gareth teased playfully, and shot a grin at Harrington when that awkward look of his melted into something more offended.
“I was walking backwards!” Steve defended, his normal, almost bitchy tone returning.
“Uh-huh. And what about when you almost ate shit over that garbage can and Eddie had to save you?” Gareth taunted.
He grinned, watching as a blush overtook the older boys face, Steve glancing away frantically and--
Oh.
Oh!
'Oh-ho, ho, ho!' Gareth thought with absolute glee. The entire fucking school knew what Steve looked like when he had a crush, (Steve himself had made sure of that with Nancy) and Gareth recognized the beginning of it happening all over again.
Steve Harrington had a crush.
On Eddie.
Gareth could work with this.
“You know….” He paused, grin turning sly as a sudden idea came to him. “If you want to mess with Eddie a little bit I have an idea.”
Steve stared at him, confused. “Why would we want to mess with him?”
Gareth leaned forward. “Because pranks are fun, Harrington. Legend has it you even used to do them.”
Steve still didn't look convinced, but the nice thing about a man like Steve was that all Gareth had to appeal to was his sense of adventure.
“Now." He clapped his hands together in a move that had very much been stolen years ago from Eddie. "How good are your acting skills?
Meant to post this yesterday but I got surprise laid off last week and that pushed me back a bit, sorries! Absolutely related, I have a Ko-Fi now lmao. It’s https://ko-fi.com/sp0o0kyghosthost
Unemployment should go through just fine so I don’t really think I need to full panic but hey if you wanna throw me a dollar and yell “Dance writer dance!” I’ll do a lil tippy-tap jig.
#fucking jobs#this ones a bit more whumpy#steddie#pre steddie#they gettin there though#hellfire adopts Steve#adopt a jock#eddie munson#steve harrington#gareth emerson#Nancys in this one#she cares theres just a lot of hurt there#Eddie on the other hand is JEALOUS#that is HIS jock thank you!#He is REHABBING that jock!#dont you make his Stevie sad!#Gareth is now playing matchmaker#Lap Wars is coming
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I know the fandom tends to see Five Pebbles as a sad, self-hating, angsty bug boy but, I struggle to agree with the fandom depiction.
I think a lot of characters in Rain World care a lot about each other, I think they care too much. That's why it's such a tragedy.
Pebbles falls to that too. I think he cares, a lot, it's tough to see but it's there.
Take a look at the bug maze convo - "FP: So why do we continue? We assemble work groups, we ponder, we iterate and try. Some of us die. It's not fair." He clearly realises that there's problems, he realises they're working on something that ultimately does not matter, and they're all stuck doing that. "It's not fair" Its not and he wants to do something about it, he ain't just gonna stand around and keep working on this pointless problem. They don't deserve to be stuck working like this forever.
Problem is, just like Suns, everyone is still working on the problem, and for what purpose? Look at Sky Islands pearl 3 read by Pebbles - "Should we reject a way out of this maze, on the mere principle that escape itself is forbidden?" They are all stuck and no one is doing anything. Gold pearl read by Pebbles - "I need to fix this, and try again. If I can just reproduce Sliver of Straw's results, they will understand." And that's why he's so adamant on solving the problem, if they can all understand that "hey the solution is right here, we can stop now, we can do whatever we want" then they'd all be free. I think he sees how unfair all this is, and how everyone has given up to simply just working on the problem because what else are they supposed to do. He sees all that and wants to help, if he can find the solution then he'd help everyone, and he does these dumb risky things because if he succeeds then it'll all be worth it.
He loves his sister and he loves his friends, and he cares about all the other iterators and even the scugs that pass through. And its all such a tragedy because despite all this love and care we still watch everything fall apart and crumble. It was never fair for any of them.
#theres so much love packed in this game and it hurts so much#Pebbles cares too much about everyones freedom#Suns cares too much about Pebbles#And Moon cares too much about Pebbles#and well NSH doesnt actually get hurt at all but he too cares a lot#and if were going with this then i bet Innocence cares too#i dont think she did anything out of malice but was more like well damn if pebbles isnt going to talk and seek help then ill do that for him#i think that at the end of the day pebbles was just trying to help#this is a long rant and i have a headache :P#rain world#iterator#five pebbles#rw talk
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Now this might be because I have issues but is it just me or does Slay The Princess feel like an allegory for a relationship?
#like i dont even mean the actual textual stuff like the two gods loving each other i mean like#while the narrator himself does say that he is not the protagonist at all the voices do in fact count him as one of them and#both the narrator and the voices are described as shattered glass pieces on the floor#and im saying that just to contextualise what im about to say because i feel like the narrator is an echo of someone who was in#a relationship with another person and is trying to 'slay' the memory of this person and defeat death not only literally but#on a metaphorical level (as in the death of a relationship). if you do slay her you destroy her memory and in that way you do not know her#at all nor do you care to#and the routes would be the perspectives held by different parts of you. shes literally a being that changes based on who perceives her#but metaphorically thats just how people work isnt it? relationships are complicated and there is a part of you who sees someone as a razor#and there is a part of you who sees them as a damsel and another who sees them as a god etc etc#its like youre a person who is trying to make sense of the situation and; which is why the construct of the princess is made up of#several vessels called perspectives. you understand the whole of what you think only when you take apart all your perspectives;#and theres a you who isnt you anymore who doesnt want to do this. hes telling you to just destroy it. it was wholly wretched and wholly bad#and it changed which is a crime in itself. theres an echo of you. and theres you; built by this echo because thats how the self works#we are each our own god and we build ourselves. the different voices are like different parts of you#much like the vessels are the equivalent of the voices. theyre the finite confined perspectives; aspects of a whole person#and slaying her in this context would obviously mean literally just destroying the memory and deciding that change and all it brings#is an awful thing. though im not yet sure what the difference between leaving with the whole and between separating yourself#and leaving with just an aspect would be.#thats probably like the only thing thats kinda ruining this interpretation lol#oh and obviously a lot of the routes have like very strong relationship symbolism. specifically a lot of them feel like#scenes from a relationship that is falling apart. for example in the adversary and then the fury when you run away the dialogue#basically mimics a partner running away from a conflict and the other one destroying themselves because of it#witch and the thorn are both heavily Esop-coded and the text itself says that its about two people hurting each other even though they love#each other but both are afraid of the other one and of being vulnerable. thorn is about finding forgiveness in one another#and deciding to be better and love each other despite the hurt youve caused each other due to your problems#etc etc#like am i insane am i mental am i projecting?
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6, 11, and 19- UHHHHHH any of them that vibes these questions! <:"Dc
afternoon lori!! thank you for the ask :D
6. Who will they take advice from, no matter what it is? Who won’t they take advice from, no matter what it is?
Caine-
taking advice: chen. without a doubt its chen. caine would question him or argue if they dont understand why hes giving the advice he does, but at the end of the day, he trusts that chen has his reasons, and that those reasons make sense.
refusing advice: hmmm,,, significantly harder to answer tbh. caine is pretty accepting of a lot of avenues of information. maybe hollow ground? so far hes been extremely suspicious of the kingpin, Especially after almost getting threaded. either that or regina, but would she even survive long enough to give them advice???? shes the only person so far they actually want revenge against.
Cyrus-
taking advice: anathema. too bad hes dead. nobody to stop cyrus now.
refusing advice: id say chen, purely for "fuck him, he wouldnt piss on me if i was burning" reasons. hed be way too suspicious of any 'advice' chen gives to act on it.
Cecilia-
taking advice: ceci doesnt exactly do advice. more like suggestions. most of them come from ortega, not because she particularly trusts him but because most of his suggestions tend to be fun. ofc she also turned down therapy so like ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
refusing advice: daniel. for extremely petty reasons. even deciding to stay at his place was an idea she came up with, not him. danny has no Idea how much of a pain shes going to be now that theyre rooming together.
Cynthia-
taking advice: hollow ground. #justthreadedtingz😍🤪
refusing advice: the funny thing about cynthia is that she cares for the people shes close to, she just doesnt trust them, so this applies to a lot of people. definitely ortega because thats probably the messiest divorce i ever did see, but also dr mortum, because she doesnt think she would understand the situation shes in enough to give advice even if their relationship Doesnt completely fall apart when the puppet thing is revealed.
11. They’ve won the lottery. Spend, or save?
Caine- nothing really to spend it on. save, unless theres something he really wants to get his hands on.
Cyrus- could be useful in the future. save.
Cecilia- depends, does she still have her funds from thievery? if no, spend. if yes, pretend to spend it by showing off things she already owns to throw people off her track, then save it. or spend if theres something mundane she wants.
Cynthia- doesnt really like having big sums of money lying around. spend it on villain work.
19. Do they study before tests? Practice before job interviews?
Caine- i mean. does going into a rabbit hole of tangentially relevant information a week before count? not for job interviews though. they couldnt care enough about that.
Cyrus- duh. hes the person somebody would go to if they need notes or extra tutoring.
Cecilia- no, but if she cared about tests enough shed be a top student, and she usually manages to fly by on job interviews because shes pretty charming.
Cynthia- yes, but for school its because the subjects are interesting to her, while the job interview is for general "i want to get the job" reasons.
questions from here!
#pulp answers#ask game#once again i am obsessed with chen and caines dynamic with trust#but to elaborate a little more while sparing the rant#caine trusts chen enough to argue with him because they want to understand his perspective#theyd do a lot for him but he wants to know /why/ first- he doesnt want to act blindly for the sake of following orders#which is more than what i could say for some of their other relationships#if i had to say somebody alive for the “who would cyrus get advice from” question itd be dr mortum#hes smart+one of cyrus best friends+doesnt have any annoying moral hangups to get in the way of giving good advice#theres just a small little hangup of dr mortum getting extremely pissed at him for letting argentine get hurt but you know im sure its fine#OKAY BUT TO BE FAIR TO CYNTHIA#EVEN IF SHE WASNT THREADED#AS LONG AS SHE GOT THE PROTECTED STATUS SHED BE THE MOST WILLING TO LISTEN TO HOLLOW GROUND#potential big sibling???? who seems to care enough about her to protect her from their own mind???? who cynthia doesnt have to worry about-#-a big bad secret destroying their relationship over????? are you fucking kidding sign her up#hollow ground couldve had it All if they hadnt fucked it up first meeting by threading her#now its just a matter of time before that explodes in their face Again#something i find really interesting is that cynthia kinda. underestimates ortega and dr mortum? but not in terms of their abilities#more in what they would accept and understand. like she doesnt think they could ever really Get the things shes done yk?#which is why she keeps lying to them#all of my steps are already well-off to wealthy but still choose to live Like That (coughcainecough)#anyway! thank you again for the ask lori!#caine lynzal#cyrus becker#cecilia rider#cynthia garcia#sidestep#fhr
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playing Astarion's romance and rewatching Vanitas has given me so many vampire writing thoughts--
#important question. in a vampire situation would caleb or molly let the other drink their blood--#it makes me so soft to think about relationships with astar that begin with you trusting him enough to take that step almost immediately#but also. theres just something very compelling to me about the iconic vnc scene where noe nearly begs and. as close as they are.#vanitas looks him in the eye and says if he tries to drink his blood he'll kill him--(the fact that he's saying it for noes sake too#that it seems to be something he truly has no control over. that they're both at risk of lashing out and hurting the other if they're#not careful--)#anyway--#thinking about how so much of molly's power is tied to blood. how in the orders it was a common practice for lucien and the rest of#the blood hunters to mix their blood together and drink it. the way lucien gives cree a necklace with his blood in it#that she considers sacred--#lucien would drink caleb's blood no problem he was already doing that with the tombtakers. no vampirism required--#but I think in something like a vampire situation molly would be more hesitant. more worried about losing control---especially if he#associates all those powers and that hunger with lucien--#I think caleb would probably. try to make deals with people for some of their blood. would probably be starving a lot of the time and#molly would happily help him--#in the reverse. I feel like caleb would probably refuse to let anyone drink his blood. as a matter of holding onto his autonomy--#anyway!! blood hunter orders are very fun I feel like they lend themselves well to these kinds of AUs since they're already#so thematically similar to vampires--#this is just silly self indulgent ramblings I just think vampires are fun
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not to be a complete ungrateful terrible horrible brat for a minute but like having a terminally ill parent who is also terminally fucking shitty really sucks because not only do you personally have to cope with your parent actively dying but also said parent will get mad at you for wanting time to yourself and not wanting to be their live in nurse 24/7 and also like completely forget about who you are and what you're like as a person especially in terms of like . energy level. because it's not convenient to them right now so anytime you try to think of yourself it always feels like you're Choosing Wrong
#crow.txt#like fuck me i hardly have the wherewithal to take care of myself. i do not also have the wherewithal OR PATIENCE#to take care of a WHOLE OTHER PERSON#and anytime i express im feeling run down and not really able to do Whatever#its always wah wah I RAISED YOU AS A KID. okay? nobody fucking asked you to do all that! by the way! nobody made you#least of all fuckin me.#if i had any say in the matter i wouldnt have been born like are you fucking kidding me#all of this has just been. utterly hazardous to my mental health.#that tweet about shitty parents thinking youll still take care of them when theyre old holds true#like no. your ass is going to a home. i cannot do this.#i am not qualified for this. i dont like that nobody really listens to me period anyway#but its worse when nobody really listens to me when i say i need a break or that im tired or whatever#like im sorry but hot take a lot of people are not really equipped to be caretakers for relatives and theres nothing wrong with that#idk what she wants me to say to I Raised You besides nobody asked you to or i wish you didnt#like do i Want to hurt anyones feelings. no. but i can! i fucking will! if you keep ignoring mine!#lord have fucking mercy my head hurts.
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dear brother watchthrough is progressing rather slowly but every episode does kinda poison my brain a little more. anyway just watched ep 9 and i HAD to change my pfp to kaoru no kimi (<- do. do we ever find out her real name?? we have to right) i love her so much. i love her butch failgirl malewife airplane mechanic hall monitor rizz and her sportballisms and every time her heart starts acting up again and she starts clutching her chest and stuff im like damn.. she's just like me fr (<- NOT the same but i do have like. minor complications from the chest pit) that's an experience i have every day (<- it is not every day)
#bro my chest hurt just watching that like ouhh my sternum#i don't know if i've ever been so careful googling a character before i do NOT want to know what happens to her okay#bc 1) im scared she's gonna die 2) if she does i want to be scared in the moment as intended#anyway. shoutout to her specifically i like her a lot#dear brother#kaoru no kimi#GIRL theres no tag that means we Have to find out her real name at some point.. sobbing#shit has kicked up a notch in the past couple episodes w rei and mariko AND kaoru in a less uh. violent way#eyes peeled and glued to the screen atm this is the sickest all girls' ant farm i've ever seen it rules sm#oniisama e#kaoru orihara#<- WE DID IT. WE FOUND HER NAME.. literally wouldn't have been an issue if i had just watched the next ep before making this lol
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i hate that i've been complaining about everything in my life lately but if you're a frequent reader of my personal posts (side note, if you are: why. also i'm sorry) but if you remember earlier this week on tuesday i slipped outside and hurt my knee. i didn't end up seeing a doctor about that bc they literally had no openings when i talked to the secretary she was like i am so sorry sweetie. we can't take you for the rest of the week and i was like oh. and after a couple days it didn't hurt sooooo much although i think the limp ive been walking w has not been doing me any favors. but now today especially (? for some reason) BOTH of my legs were really hurting. i'm wondering if that might somehow be related to me getting my period today bc sometimes. you know how period pain can just end up wherever it wants. but then around 8 o'clock today i stubbed the SHIT out of one of my toes and i think i might have injured it (? i dont think it's broken but i cant stand on it and it's been hours). this is my left foot and the knee i hurt on tuesday was on my right leg. i am literally limping on both sides of my body now and i cant stand or walk.
#shout out to me being irritable with my family. sowwyyyyyy#EVERYTHING HURTS WHEN I TRY TO MOVE FROM PLACE TO PLACE#i dont know if i can handle seeing people tomorrow and it's Literally Christmas#i told kaily i wanted her to carry me to my bed earlier like im a little kid who fell asleep in the car and she said no :(#sisters are USELESS#tales from diana#menstruation cw#injury cw#maybe i shouldve gone to urgent care or the er about my knee earlier this week#i was starting to think i didnt seriously injure it but now im having doubts? or maybe i walked on it too much yesterday#i really was doing WAY too much walking yesterday but i kinda couldnt help it#my adhd body Wants To Move all the time even when i know i should be taking it easy#thats always been a problem w me whenever ive needed to limit my exertion. i just want to wander and fidget#i have a hard time staying still it makes me feel insanely unhappy#theres no better way to describe it#but i cant. move. now. sooooo#i dont know if i mightve broken my toe or not but its kinda swollen#how common is it to break a toe really? theyve got. theyve got a lot of little tiny bones#i dont know id think its more common to break a toe if you crushed it under something#i stubbed it. REALLY hard. like harder than even a normal really bad toe-stubbing.#i dont know. i dont know. i dont know.#can i have a wheelchair for christmas just for like a week at least#and get someone to carry me up and down the stairs?
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In and out of constant crisis... to be expected. Its brutal. SO brutal.
There's a line though, where it is either pain being released and parts processing.. or just retraumatising. And the difference between what makes it one or the other can be so small! And usually to do with if we feel alone or not, connected to S or not, allowed to reach out or not.
Yet we are seeing we survive each time? And it passes. Same with S... we reconnect each time. She doesn't leave.
Today we made a huge leap! An email she sent landed badly. A part wrote a reply, not meanly at all (we never do that and are proud of our ability to communicate these days), but saying how it felt and how upset. But we didn't send... because we knew it wouldn't help. Its how they felt and it was real and valid. But she'd likely feel more defeated and stressed, then we'd feel more disconnected, and the same old cycle. (Also, we figured even IF it was intended how it felt.. we no longer beg for people to understand or care, and that has to be true for her too.) So we didn't send, and instead chose to trust our overall relationship instead of these moments and details.. and just turn up today as unguarded as humanly possible. Which was still hugely guarded lol.
It was SO hard to do. But I am so proud of us. And it went so well. It allowed us both to connect so much quicker and easier and see we are on the same side. We didn't hug her straight away like normal and just hid ourselves not looking at her, but as she started talking and we could hear there weren't bad intentions, we managed to lift a finger up and she reached for it and held our hand. And we were SO proud of us in that moment. It doesn't seem big. But for us it is huge. To be able to reach for connection without going through every detail of what hurt, ask a lot of questions, pick it all through, stay in defense... instead we just listened to how it felt right in that moment. And it allowed us to connect quicker. We made a new choice and it paid off.
She made a comment about us seeming to not want to be there, possibly hating her (kind of jokingly) and we realised that's how it may seem.. like to us it is OBVIOUS we never hate her, always want her. But then to her it is obvious how much she cares etc, and that doesn't mean we always see it. It softened so many protective parts and we looked up and we both smiled and we said of course we don't. It's just all painful. But the pain isn't from her, it's everything before her. And then cuddled in to her. It was so simple in that moment. We are on the same side.
And the whole session was so connecting and simple. Despite the fact we never talked through what happened earlier in the week really.. and despite it being one of the last sessions. It was just simple. The ending of therapy is terrifying but also helping us let go of details and see the big picture. She's SO on our side. We aren't on opposite sides. She's fighting a whole system for us. She's paying for her specialised supervisor she got just for us, even after we arent a client, to help us both through this transition and to help us fight the system as she's a very high up contact. She is thinking everything about this transition through so she doesnt rush things or make mistakes others did. She cares so much. So yeah, she's not perfect, she misses the mark, and she can't be everything we wish she could. But she is a human who wants us in her life and cares deeply and is fighting to get us the right support. We can get lost in all the pain or we can look at how lucky we are to have her.
#s#pls let us remember this#pleaseee can we all stay in this reality more#but honestly! choosing to not pick apart hurts and know that the intentions werent harmful.... so BIG#ofc theres a balance because we cant just let people harm us from good intentions#like k#but looking at the big picture and seeing what really matters#the big picture with k was a lot of harm amongst the love for example#the big picture with s is so much support and care and some mistakes and hurt because we are both human#we could spend the times we have with her pulling apart those mistakes or missings#or we could spend the time feeling connected#like i know its not that simple lol#we never felt we had a choice before#but right now we do!!!!!!#we saw the choice and made it and it was so much better#we need as much comfort and connection and joy as possible right now#and that means maybe just letting some things go#maybe its okay to let mistakes and missings go in safe relationships#maybe shes not going anywhere so if we feel the need to bring something up down the line we can#!!!!#maybe theres no urgency#maybe we can let things go and see how it feels#and if they cant be fully let go we can bring it up at another time#because maybe there is time and space and ????#wild
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well i finished renegade. i sure was renegading all over the place
#it was alriiiight.... but man i hate to say it but i think i have more complaints than praises#i DID like florins new execution route and i liked talons deal. the entire end of night spell deal was horrifying and i loved it#i love that genre of horror like ''you die twice when you get forgotten after death''#so seeing it play out here was horrifying in a good way. talon and amber's deaths were both so fucking good like goddamn#they were just as heartbreaking as they needed to be. especially ambers like when you go talk to tesla after#but. man i dont think meta games are for me cause ngl i was sorta just like ''aight.'' to most of the meta here#like that was the one thing about talon i didnt care for. i thought ''everyone i know and love is going to die and god is screaming at me''#was a fine enough motivation to go crazy and become a rift. i thought it was compelling and tragic and a good thing to do#with a new character. but then he started going ''in older versions of the game i wasnt even there i was just a prop for the backstory''#and thats sorta when i started tuning out. like i cant explain why but i feel it made the scene more... cheap?#i think just cause personally ive seen that motivation a lot in meta games before and its gotten old to me#tbh the entire meta angle is whats really dragging this down to me. dont get me wrong i love eizen and his scenes#but i dont see why we have to canonize the game's update cycles as like a critical part of the world#and then theres m2 who i have mixed feelings on. cause i love the character type of ''ive been through so much shit idc anymore''#and they end up being kinda goofy and saying inappropriate/out of pocket things while trying not to discuss The Horrors#ive written more than one of those types of characters. but with m2 its like she doesnt know how to turn that off#like spacea and tiempa's deaths being a tera raid parody where they joke about being in a crashing plane and get bashed by extra melias#it just felt like. unfitting. (also a nitpick but goddamn that scene made my head hurt with how much the screen wobbled)#like really? this is the sendoff they get in the fucked up and evil route? and idk i just dont think m2 was all that funny.#she was more grating than anything tbh. and i just feel like her existence and the bad timeline is just Too Much#like there were already so many plotlines and arcs and do we Really need a new-ish character right before the climax#idk. im hoping v14 is more cohesive in this department#for now im taking a much needed break from this game lol
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...
#we r caught back in the agony spiral yall. bc ive made no progress writing today bc its been a long week and im tired#and i cant focus. but i could probably. im just being a baby abt it#i should just go to sleep. ive gotta go do field work tomorrow and im kinda stressed abt it#or i should do something fun thwt will made me less miserable but i csnt do that. theres no timd#time. so i should sleep. but sleep is a waste of time and really i shoulf b writing#but im tired and my tummy hurt :-(#i hope tomorrow doesnt take long :-((#no sample collection pls 🙏#and ive got interview stuff to prep for. like thats a month away but i gotta convince ppl i understand photosynthesis#and its been a fucking minute since biochem :-(#ugh. im trying to make better decisions in this new year. less destructive decisions bc i have to convince ppl ive got my shit together#so ill get hired and also i dont wanna b an annoying bummer to exist around#still no joy for what i do tho. like i was working with a masters student last week and she was like oh yea it was fun#and im like *awkward pained smiled* bc it wasnt as bad as i thought but doing it for 2 weeks would kinda hurt s lot#so well see how much damage it does me#no joy. only tasks to do. things to accomplish. for what? why? who the fuck cares. not me#me. without feeling: it would b interesting to see if X and Y#interesting in a i don't gave a fuck sorta way. bleh. so bitter. burnout u never recover from#at least i feel better thsn i did in December. well see how long it takes to drive me under again.#its just weird to look back at the me of before who was excited abt things. i burned thr insides out of that person#but no tonight we r making better choices. no writing happening so we do something more fun#ugh. i just wanna think abt quantum l3ap. but no. other things to do. sigh... even in my fun time im not allowed too much fun :-(#unrelated
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i really do love a person looking like they should act a certain way and then that not being the case like at all
#thinking on clidna and alma and how like one is very rough and tough looking very Girl Bosstm esque#but she's like the absolute sweetest and softest and yes she can still hurt you but she'd rather not have so much violence like if it was a#option she'll take the non-violent way like 85% of the time#and alma looks very soft and demure and much like what a healer should be#but she's blunt and can be petty and particular and its all still driven by love and care and protecting#like shes more likely to pull a sword on you if she feels threatened or those she loves are being threatened#but once you're in that circle by god! you cant find anyone more loyal and caring and soft#like theres aspects of alma i'm finding that are very clive like and its like ah thats why you and joshua became good friends first#like there's a lot of other things there but like those were some of the qualities that just had him open up trust her and want her around#idk im just in all these thoughts and idk i just get a certain way about clidna because shes been through so much but is still so sunny and#looking towards the future when she has every reason not to ykwim? like ugh i just! !!!!!!
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My biggest fear is hurting someone the same way M hurt me because she was the first person I ever loved and now that's just how I love people
If I love someone I want them to hurt me. And sometimes I hurt them.
I'm not scared of raping them like she did. You can't accidentally do that (fucking duh). But like, what if I think something is normal because she did it to me, but it's actually abuse?
I thought what she did to me was love, so what if there's more of it that I still think is love? What if I repeat it?
I'm terrified I'm going to do something, even though I know that I've beaten it into myself that what she did was abuse, so obviously I should know the difference, right?
But what if I don't? What if there's something I can't tell is wrong? What if I fuck it up?
Again, I know logically it's just an intrusive thought or whatever. But what if I actually end up doing it? I'm fucking worried that I will.
#ptsd vent#i know. logically. that im not going to. because ive taught myself the difference and i second guess everything i do with my gf.#and i did the same with my ex QPP. i just..#its tmi but this blog is my secret one so i dont care about sharing this part.#a lot of stuff she did to me. that was wrong and fucked me up. now im like.#into it. if you catch my drift. like obv ik in real life that shits wrong. and i dont want it to happen to me for real.#obviously i dont want to get genuinely raped again. i mean like. pretend.#but im worried that maybe theres something more subtle that i havent realized is wrong and ill hurt someone.#idk... i hurt a lot of people around 2020 without realizing and i guess im just scared of doing it again.
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ugh had to get up bc I'm too awake to fall back asleep and started getting hunger cramps
#FINE ILL EAT CEREAL#also made myself rly sad bc i was thinking abt phone calls and it made me think abt how i DONT miss my ex thats long dead and buried#but I DO miss there being someone who was always happy to hear from me or hear my voice any time of day to say anything at all#and always being happy to hear from them in the same way and just. that simple casual kind of love and how easy it was every time#not even talking just how easy it was to be around them and in the same space even if we werent directly interacting#and i love my friends but its not really the same as that i always feel like the longer i talk the more im keeping them from other things#and theyre pulling away and ik my roommate has said before she doesnt rly get anything out of just. being around ppl without-#direct interaction which is ok like thats just how it works for her but also it means whenever im talking to her theres a little desperate#part of me thats like u have to keep talking bc otherwise shes going to get bored and leave except she'll do that either way bc ill run-#out of anything interesting to say.. but again its not the same anyway tho bc we're just friends theres no obligation or anything#not that it was obligation with my ex gah. but it was just so mutual and EASY i dont knowww#i think its on my mind as well bc my roommate was talking abt friends of hers she can just. Always dip into conversation with#and that made me think of my ex but i didnt wanna say bc that sounds dumb and as though im hung up on them (which im genuinely not)#and ik she feels like that abt one of our mutual friends bc theyre much closer than we are and its cute how much she talks abt him and#how obvious her love for him is and i dont begrudge them that at all but i just miss having that myself with someone#but its been so long and itll probably be a long time yet before i ever have smth like that again. if ever man#and it doesnt even matter anyway bc i guess it wasnt ever actually mutual and my ex denied a lot of it afterwards and ik part of that they#were just saying to hurt me (which worked) but it probably was partly true too. maaaan.#i just miss having a favourite person and i miss being someones favourite person even if that wasnt real in the end and i wasnt#i miss at least THINKING i was someones favourite person like back when doubt rarely occurred to me bc i cared so much abt them#like it would hardly cross my mind they didnt. or if it did it was still ok bc it was easily reassured#ahhhh im going to drive myself crazy girl i need to Stop. it doesnt matter its not within my reach anymore but. wails pitifully#sorry for being so pathetic and needy and starved on main in my defence im sick. im gonna lie down for another half hour#and then i guess get ready for work. at least if im working i wont be thinking abt this shit anymore it doesn't matter#ougrhrhhhhgougrh.#.diaries
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i need to draw more or my brain will explode. i was going to draw a bunch yesterday but instead i played power wash simulator for 8 1/2 hours
#the bin#i bought it yesterday morning and it was a mistake bc now all i wanna do is play the game#my body hurts from not moving and doing the same repetitive motion with my arm for 8 hours#8 1/2 hours is how long im scheduled for work. its an hour more than i actually spend doing work bc of breaks.#im gonna try to draw today tho. i still felt sick so i didnt go into work again. i hope theyre not mad but i also dont care. not like they#can fire me bc they dont have anyone to replace me woth and they need me. my prev managers wpuldnt have cared much but#one of the new ones sucks. i want put of this job. it shoukd not be these employees responsibilities to figure out what product#needs pit out and what doesnt (menaing like. we need more of this product bc people are buying it) thats supposed to be the managers job but#hes not doing his job. hes micromanaging. its supposed to be like assembly line type work but they move people around for no reason#and get upset when theyre slow bc they just had to chnage jobs. even im having to go faster even though im fully doing enough#theyre pushing the pricers to go faster and put mor eout which means theres more for me to put out on each cart so it takes me 10-12 insteda#of 5-10 and like. its physically impossible for a person to complete one of these carts with such a variety of objects in 5 minutes#its just not possible. its expactations for how itd work if everything went in the same aslienbut its all split aross a ton of them#i didnt get the job i interviewed for i tjink bc of the time available i gave them bc the person was clearly interested in hiring me#i said i could do any timw but she asked what id prefer. i saw on her paper that she wrote it not as id do any so the fact i can do anytime#prob got forgotten. well#im gonna apply some places today. id like something different very soon. everyone is stressed and working there has quickly become much#worse than before. i think a lot of people are gonna leave bc of this new managers. its a stressful job by nature and he makes it muchw orse
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heres a silly little post pacifist au i've had for a Good While now which is why i tend to draw hyperdeath asriel and frisk being siblings a lot theres some Info under the cut if ur curious
OKAY SO BASICALLY i like to imagine that after leaving the underground flowey is able to come to terms with. Being Flowey and through therapy learns how to be more open and frisk and papyrus help him a lot through this. i think toriel already Knows hes flowey just cuz of the way he acts shes like "i dont know how. but that is my son boy." and one day he comes home from therapy and goes I Need To Tell You Something. I Am Asriel. and he braces for the way she reacted in the underground but this time around she just goes "im so glad you finally feel comfortable telling me" and they both cry it out
as flowey becomes more comfortable with being himself he starts to mess around with his face to prank frisk cuz he just NEEDS to be an annoying older brother and after he works out his various issues and can see himself more as he is an not there being a clear distinction between asriel and flowey in his brain (ive talked about this a lot i think he sees asriel as different from him cuz of trauma and therapy will help him kind of calm down and go "im still me im just different and older now and also traumatized but despite everything its still me") i think he would be able to make himself look like hyperdeath asriel as its what he feels most comfortable looking like
he still goes by flowey and he moves around like flowey but when hes just standing there he needs a cane both cuz i imagine it kinda hurts and he doesnt have good balance. i like to think that despite being a weird grumpy guy who sits at home all day cuz hes not ready to interact with lots of people yet hes actually a very good brother who cares a lot about frisk and the people around him <3 big brother flowey SO real btw ask to tag if needed
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