#she and kendall just absolutely bring out the worst in each other

[pynkhues]

So now that we know Kendall and Rava got married quite young (based on Roman's comment in 3x04 that Kendall's bachelor party was 15 years ago, meaning he was 24 or 25 when he got married) do you have any thoughts on how that might have affected Kendall and Stewy's relationship?

Yeah! It was great to get confirmation of that! I already figured they'd gotten married fairly young given Sophie and Iverson are both tweens as opposed to little kids. I think we're supposed to understand they've been separated for a while at the start of s1 too? I'd be curious as to what the timeline is for that specifically, because they imply I think that Rava left Kendall before he got sober, and he and Logan talk specifically about rehab as three years before the start of s1.

Three years isn't that long to be separated pre-divorce though either, especially if somone's like Kendall and doesn't really want to break up. My parents were separated for seven years before they got divorced, and a good friend of mine has been separated for eighteen months already without any plans to actually file yet.

It could be one of the things that was changed though post-pilot too? Shiv's letter in 3.03 certainly made it seem like Kendall's been in rehab a number of times instead of just the one big stint that seemed infered in Logan's dialogue in 1.01, and we got confirmation from both Roman and Connor that the letter was accurate after all.

That's all an aside though, haha.

Your question! Yeah! We know Kendall and Stewy went to both Buckley and Harvard together, and I imagine they both have their MBA's too, so I feel like they had to have been pretty entwined still when Rava entered the picture. I actually headcanon that Stewy introduced them, haha, especially given he's the one deployed by someone to ask Kendall if he and Rava are really separated in 1.03.

I tend to headcanon it as one of those complicated things where Stewy and Kendall had never really qualified what their hooking up meant or what their relationship was, and that it was probably always an unspoken thing that Kendall would be finding a woman his dad approved of and marrying her and that that would be that. It's the sort of thing I don't think Stewy probably cared that much about while they were both sleeping with other people and Kendall was getting way too intense about girls who were never going to pass the Logan Roy test, but I think things were different with Rava too.

I think Kendall really fell in love with her, and her him, and I think it probably stung Stewy, despite himself. Like - - he just figured they had more time than this, right? Who's dreaming of settling down with the chick you meet when you're 21? 22? But Rava's smart and beautiful and maybe Stewy wouldn't care if it didn't start to become apparent that Kendall was - - y'know, telling her stuff. Stuff he's never told anyone except Stewy, and maybe Stewy tried to create some distance, but Kendall latched on in that way he does whenever he feels someone trying to pull away, so maybe Stewy fucked him instead, and okay, that was fine, it was, until Kendall took Rava back to meet Logan, and the stamp of approval was clear even if Rava came back pissed off, and it was only after that that Kendall told him they couldn't anymore. Not now that Rava was the One.

And they're just so young still, and it doesn't matter, because Stewy's not exactly short on options, and it's better Kendall ends up with someone Stewy likes rather than some of the other girls Stewy's been forced to endure the company of, and things are good. They are, at least for a minute, but Kendall doesn't know how to be happy, and Stewy knows when he's self-sabotaging, but he's half-hearted in pushing him back to Rava because there's something to it. Something to the way being Kendall's person again feeds a part of him he didn't realise was still hungry, and besides, they're still young, right?

They're supposed to be having fun.

Stewy always knows how to help Kendall have fun.

(Right up until he doesn't).

[frostedfaves]

Repercussions (15)

Masterlist

Pairing: dark!Natasha Romanoff x dark!Wanda Maximoff x fem!reader

Summary: Natasha and Wanda search for their printsessa with the help of Tony.

Warnings: dark themes, gun use, blood mention, serious injury

A/N: am I devastated that this is the final part of one of my favorite things I’ve ever written? absolutely! but I’m also really happy with myself for being able to turn the images in my head for this ending into coherent words. I’ve been holding onto this idea for weeks and I’m ecstatic to see everyone’s response to it. I’ll be letting you know later on this week what’s coming next! 👀

Previous part

-

With Clint’s assistance, Natasha and Wanda were able to quickly create a plan and make their way to the last base, using the fear and anger of their girlfriend’s disappearance to barrel through anyone that stood in the way of intel collection. They wasted no time in waking everyone up when they returned to the safe house.

“Is there a security breach?” Steve questioned as the group gathered, and Natasha tossed the hard drive at him.

“We got everything, and we need to get back--”

“Oh, I get it,” Sam cut in with an eye roll. “They rushed through the mission to get back to their girlfriend so they can cuddle and all that cute shit--”

“She’s missing!” Wanda growled as her eyes began to glow, causing Sam to step back a few feet with wide eyes.

Everyone aside from Clint started asking questions all at once, and Natasha shut them all down with a stern command to be ready to fly out in ten minutes. Bags were packed and bodies were dressed as the team rushed to get to the jet, afraid of what might happen if they delayed the two women any longer.

“While we’re checking out the house, I need someone looking into Wesley L/N,” Natasha ordered, nodding as Tony volunteered and sending him all the information she had.

“Who is this, her brother?”

“Her cousin, if that’s even true--”

“It is, we checked the family history,” Wanda insisted, grabbing Natasha’s hand with a shaky breath. “They’re really close, he wouldn’t hurt her.”

“We don’t know that! Anyone can do something terrible if they’re pushed far enough--”

“Stop! Just fucking stop!” Wanda cried out as she covered her face with her hands, and Natasha moved to wrap her arms around her as she sat in the seat beside her.

“I’m sorry, Wan. I’m just worried and my brain is wired to go to the worst case scenario instantly.”

Wanda simply sniffled as tears started spilling down her cheeks again, leaning her head against Natasha’s shoulder as she accepted the comforting embrace. After a few minutes of silence between the pair, Wanda dropped her hands into her lap as she glanced at green eyes already absentmindedly staring at her, lowering her voice as she spoke.

“I want to ruin his mind before we kill him.”

-

The house felt empty and colder without your presence, every step on the carpeted floor of the front room seemed to echo around the building. Tears threatened to build in Wanda’s eyes again but she held them back, intent on believing that they will find you and bring you back where you belong. Only they could take care of what you needed.

A heavy feeling washed over their hearts when they entered your solo room and discovered some of your clothes and shoes were missing, along with the travel bag you’d first arrived with. The guest room Wesley resided in was also void of his presence, and anything that could clue them into where he’d taken you. 

“Tash, look.”

Natasha followed her gaze to the security room, cursing loudly in Russian when she noticed the door left wide open. She stormed inside, clenching her fist in anger when she noticed the tiny plastic baggie holding the miniscule tracker that was supposed to be in your leg right now.

“He’s a psychiatrist, not a fucking surgeon!” she fumed as she showed the object to Wanda. “How did he get this out?!”

Wanda walked around her to get to one of the computers, logging in as fast as her fingers would allow her to type and bringing up the security footage from the last several days. For the most part, the two of you acted normally, doing all the things you’d told them about like playing games and watching TV, but the sight of the two of you emerging from the TV room in the basement and entering the game room brought something to her attention.

“Did you see that?” She backed up the footage and switched over to slow motion. “She’s limping.”

“Isn’t that the day she hurt her leg in the backyard?”

“Yes, but…” The backyard footage is brought up next and skipped through until the moment of your ‘injury’. “This happened almost two hours later, meaning--”

“It was a cover for the tracker removal.” Natasha cursed once more as she released a frustrated sigh. “She’s getting locked in her room as soon as she gets back here.”

A notification similar to a phone ringing went off on one of the monitors, and the two women scurried over to answer the incoming call from Tony.

“Everything you had on this Wesley kid checks out, no criminal history or secret ties to any Hydra related groups, or anything else you have to worry about. However, I tried tracking and hacking into his phone and it seems to be wiped clean. So I got into his phone records with his cell company and his last call was made to an unsaved number connected to someone named Kendall, last known address in Nebraska.”

“Send it to us, please.”

They were on their feet as soon as the call ended, grabbing the mission bags abandoned in the doorway and heading off to their respective rooms to repack for the trip.

In nearly the same moment, you were in your safe house in Nebraska, rounding the corner to enter Wesley’s room. He knew something was wrong by the way your eyes watered and your shaky hand held onto the bugging device.

“They found us.” There was no questioning tone in his voice, but you answered with a nod anyway.

“Pack everything you brought and get out of here, drive toward the west coast until you run out of gas and hide wherever you stop.”

“What?! I can’t leave you here! They’ll just take you back and it’ll be worse than before.”

“I’ll be fine, Wes,” you assured him with a gentle squeeze of your hand over his. “I planned for this too, and if I know them as well as I think, I’ll be free to come find you.”

-

Wesley was packed and gone within the next hour, and you worked quickly to transform the space, make it seem as if you’d been the only one to reside in the home. Once that was set, you changed clothes and positioned yourself in an armchair against the wall in the front room, a gun resting in your lap. You didn’t move when a knock was heard on the front door that night, simply waited until the visitors got impatient and picked the lock to force their way in.

“You worried us, printsessa, disappearing like that,” Natasha addressed you in a chilling tone as the two of them stopped a few feet away from you. “And we’ll deal with that later, after you tell Wesley to come out so we can punish him first.”

“He’s not here,” you told her calmly. “His only job was to bring me here--”

“And take the tracker out of your leg, which we will be putting back,” Wanda interjected with a stern expression. “Now, you can either come with us to the car willingly or we’ll drag you.”

“I won’t be doing either of those things.” You stood slowly, lifting the gun to your temple as you went. “Your only choices are to leave me here and go back to the way your lives were before I came in, or you can let me die. If you take me again, I’ll just fight you every day until you wish you’d killed me yourself. No matter how you manipulate my mind, my true self will never love someone who wants to control me. I’ll tell you how much I hate you for ruining my life every second I’m able, and I’ll kill myself the moment I get the chance to do so.”

You noticed the glassy look in their eyes as they faced each other, and you knew they were having a silent conversation in their minds. Seconds felt like minutes as they seemed to discuss their options, eventually turning back to face you. Wanda was fully crying now, and Natasha seemed to be physically holding back her own emotional break.

“We always thought we’d be able to love and care for you until our dying days.” Her shaky voice filled the quiet room. “But we understand if you don’t want that, and we’re sorry that you’ll never be able to love anyone else.”

Before you had time to react, Natasha was pulling a gun out and aiming it at your heart, the sound of the shot echoing and triggering Wanda’s instant sobbing. Natasha was quick to pull her into her arms, facing her away from you as you tumbled to the ground, your own weapon sliding away as your free hand weakly pressed against the oversized sweatshirt that covered your wound.

The two women hurried out of the house as you began to choke and cough up blood, not able to stomach hearing or seeing anymore, and the sound of a car speeding off echoed throughout the neighborhood. Waiting another minute or two to be sure they left, you got up to walk off to the bathroom, wiping the fake blood off your palm the best you could. After slipping the bulletproof vest off your torso and washing your hands, you quickly rinsed your mouth and brushed your teeth to get rid of the red stains, lifting your head to look in the mirror with a smile when you were done.

You looked pretty good for a dead woman.

-

Tags: @littlegasps @nat-km-mh @natasha-danvers @xxxtwilightaxelxxx @imnotasuperhero @creepingwolfberry @emilyprentisswife @cherrieloco @bebe404 @seventeen0 @buckmesidewaysandcallmesteve @its-a-long-way-to-ba-sing-se @fayhar @becka107 @wannabe-fic-reader @beforeoursecrets @cosmicbrownies7 @messuhp @mjaudrey @sxphiaswitch @trikruismybitch @muted-stoneheart @multi-images @just-a-normalpersons @want-to-watch-it-burn @stop-drop-and-drumroll @stickystudentlightmug @pianogirl2121 @welcometothepeanutgallery @witchxaf @natashadeservedmore @sakurat123 @darkangelxoxo @haiiiloeee2

[dvp95]

quiet on widow’s peak (4)

pairing: dan howell/phil lester, pj liguori/sophie newton/chris kendall rating: teen & up tags: paranormal investigator, mystery, online friendship, slow burn, strangers to lovers, nonbinary character, trans character, background poly, phil does some buzzfeed unsolved shit and dan is a fan word count: 3.9k (this chapter), 13.5k (total) summary: Phil’s got a list of paranormal experiences a mile long that he likes to share with the world. Abandoned buildings, cemeteries, and ghost stories have always called his name, and a particular fan of his has a really, really good ghost story.

read this chapter on ao3 or here!

Phil did not invite Chris and Sophie to come to Rossendale with him. Not because he doesn't like spending time with them, but because he wouldn't know how to explain a situation to his parents that he doesn't even understand himself. To his knowledge, PJ also did not invite them.

"Change it," Chris whines from the backseat. He'd lost the scuffle against Phil to claim the front, and he's been complaining about Phil's music choices for half the trip so far in retaliation.

"You like McFly," Phil huffs, continuing his search for an album that won't elicit a loud sigh from behind him.

"That's fucking slander, is what that is. You hear that, PJ?"

"Oh, I hear you both," PJ says, flat. "Loud and clear."

They've only been driving for probably forty minutes and PJ already looks like he wants to kick them all out of his car. Phil doesn't exactly blame him, although he resents being lumped in with Chris in the 'annoying background noise' category.

He has no idea how they've managed to invite themselves along, but Phil was too polite and PJ was too smitten to tell them off when they came out to the car with their bags.

So, this is a group activity now. Phil's parents had been thrilled to hear it when he texted them the updated situation - they're taking it as a sign that Phil has a motley crew of good friends again, like he'd had as a kid and again in uni. He supposes that they're not wrong, exactly, but he's definitely anxious about introducing them to Chris.

"I like this song," Sophie says, mild, and Chris closes his mouth.

"Fine, this one is alright," he says begrudgingly. Phil glances at them in the rearview - Sophie is patting Chris' knee and giving him the sort of smile that always makes Phil feel like he shouldn't be present. He looks back down at his phone so he doesn't have to sit with that feeling too long.

PJ turns up the volume, probably to curb any more bickering before he has to toss them all out of his car, and Phil tries to just lose himself in the music for a little bit.

His friends sing along at varying levels of obnoxiousness and Phil tries not to keep opening the Tumblr app to see if someone has messaged him. Well, someone specific. I'm going north today!, is the last message sent between them, and Phil is still waiting for Winnie to offer to meet up or something.

After their non-starter interview, Phil and Winnie kept missing each other's free time to finish it over Skype. Phil kind of wants to hear more from them before he checks it out himself, but that's not looking likely at this point, especially if he's lugging his housemates along with him all weekend.

Phil opens a puzzle game on his phone and lets the mostly-mindless swiping distract him. It's a long drive up to Rossendale, and the last thing Phil wants is to be left alone with his thoughts.

--

Phil's parents love having guests round almost as much as they love to have him home, so Phil isn't at all surprised to walk in and smell a roast cooking. He expects that treats will be made as soon as the oven is free, because that's what his mum is like.

"Hello," Phil calls into the house, kicking off his shoes. His friends follow his lead - PJ puts his boots carefully on the mat that Phil didn't bother aiming for, and Sophie struggles with a particularly stubborn knot in her laces - as he hangs up his jacket. "Mum? Dad?"

"Child," his mum greets him happily, appearing in the entry to the kitchen and making grabby hands at him until he envelops her in a hug.

"Missed you," Phil tells her, quiet enough that his friends won't hear to make fun of him.

"Oh, I missed you," she says, giving him a kiss on the side of his face. She turns her beaming smile onto his housemates, who all pause in what they're doing like a frozen tableau. It's a little funny. "More children! Hello! I'm Kathryn, it's so nice to meet you. And so nice to see you again, PJ," she adds in that somewhat pointed voice that Phil hates so very much.

"Hello, Kath," PJ says, grinning wide. He gives her a hug, too. Chris holds out his hand for her to shake when she's done squeezing the life out of PJ, but Kath will have none of it.

"Don't be silly," she says, wrapping her arms tight around Chris' waist with a laugh. "We hug in this family."

"Really?" Chris asks, and the look he gives Phil is almost more embarrassing than if he'd asked 'so why isn't your son a hugger?' out loud. "Something smells absolutely delicious, Kathryn. Is that you, or is supper cooking?"

Phil stops himself from groaning out loud, but barely. He probably shouldn't be surprised at all that Chris' cheeky, flirtatious charm extends to mothers as well. Kath laughs and smacks lightly at Chris' chest before she turns to Sophie.

Skilled at making people feel comfortable in four seconds flat, Kath chatters away about supper and how lovely Sophie's curls are and how long it's been since she's seen Phil, did they know how long it's been? She herds them all into the kitchen like they're cattle and insists that Phil take their things upstairs while she puts the kettle on.

"Er, alright," Phil says, looking at the small collection of bags that they'd brought with them. Their clothes and toiletries are all there, of course, but so is all the filming and hunting equipment. He'll have to make at least two trips.

"Your father got the guest room and Martyn's room all set up before he went out," she tells him, either not noticing or ignoring his internal struggle.

Oh, wonderful. Phil had somehow forgotten about the part where they had three beds for four of them. He's positive that his housemates won't mind sharing with each other, but now he's been tasked with the anxiety-inducing puzzle of whose bags to put where.

"Okay," Phil says again, even though they've moved on to talking about their favourite kinds of cakes so that Kath can wow them all with her skills. He tries to catch PJ's eye, but PJ is too wrapped up in a conversation about strawberries to notice.

Alright, well. Phil grabs as many bags as he can carry and brings them upstairs, feeling some tension deep inside him get a little tighter as he notices that most of their personal effects are packed away, either in storage or already on the island, and his childhood home looks more like a show home than he's comfortable with. The stairs only creak a little under his weight, nothing like the old house in Brighton, but Phil still feels unsettled.

In the end, he throws PJ and Sophie in the guest room. It's a selfish move more than anything, because he's brought PJ for enough visits to be familiar with the way his parents look at each other every time PJ teases him.

They don't ask. They're not the type of people to pry, and Phil isn't the type of people to offer information unprompted. They've all been in this limbo for years where Phil doesn't tell them that he likes boys and they don't outright question if PJ is just a friend and, frankly, Phil is tired of it. So, Chris can sleep alone.

He takes his own bags up last, because he knows that stepping into his bedroom and seeing all the personality stripped from it is going to make him feel things he isn’t prepared to feel. Phil takes a deep breath before he goes inside, and releases it shakily as he drops his things on the floor.

The beige carpet is almost mocking him, telling him that it's time to grow up, and Phil leaves the room as fast as he can.

--

God it is so hard to get anything done here. Sorry to complain at you randomly but like... I forgot how hard it is to work when my parents are hovering and asking a million questions lmao

Winnie still hasn't responded to Phil's early morning message, but the frustration of his parents distracting him and his friends from their work is starting to get to him. Chris has completely charmed them, somehow, and both Sophie and PJ are too polite to put headphones on and ignore them the way Phil has decided to.

Surprisingly, he gets a reply right away: omg how have i never considered the fact that you had to tell your parents you wanted to hunt ghosts for a living thats so fucking funny also that sucks i live in a house full of students and i always have to go to the coffee shop to work on essays and shit

There's nothing good like that where my parents live. Your coffee place is in the city, right?

“No! He didn’t!” Chris is laughing, somewhere in the living room, and Phil has to turn up the white noise on his headphones. The idea of his parents and housemates trading embarrassing stories about him while he's holed up at the table with audio files he hates makes him itch.

yeah, Winnie says. Phil is so thrown off by the short message that his fingers pause on the keyboard.

Is he annoying them? He doesn't mean to. Phil thinks over the messages they've exchanged since talking on Skype, the wheel of worst case scenarios spinning quickly.

Before Phil can apologise or even really get his anxious mind to settle down, his laptop bloops again, once, twice, three times. Relief from the worry that Winnie doesn't like talking to him curls around Phil's shoulders, relaxing them.

It's a screenshot of Google Maps with an address pulled up, a different building circled in a bright blue. yeah i hella recommend and it's really close to wilkins as well, is the message accompanying the screenshot. Then, right afterwards, 10/10 hot chocolate if i do say so myself.

Phil isn't very big on hot chocolate on its own, but he is very big on quiet coffee shops.

It takes a lot of cajoling and promises that he won't be out too late for Phil to convince his parents that they'll be fine to drive to the city by themselves. His dad gets the same look on his face that he always does when Phil talks about work, but his mum merely pats his cheek and says, "Oh, love, be careful. I'll be cross if I have to get you from the police again."

"That was one time," Phil says, feeling his face flush as Chris looks at him with glee.

"One time too many," Nigel says, a bit too sternly to be a joke. Phil wonders if his friends pick up on it or if they just think he's banting like he's been all through supper, that same dry humour that Phil can see in Martyn making him funnier than his housemates had expected.

PJ and Sophie both laugh a bit, so... probably just Phil's knowledge of his dad making it more pointed than it really needs to be.

The coffee shop is open late, so Phil and his housemates decide to do some recon at the Wilkins place. The sun hasn't quite set yet, and the street isn't completely deserted or anything, so they have to wait for a good moment to leave the car.

They're careful. They've done this before.

The Wilkins place is an older townhouse in Rusholme with windows that have been boarded up since the early noughties because they kept getting broken. Technically, someone still owns the property, but the Wilkins family either didn't care about it or had forgotten it existed, because it's been abandoned as long as Phil can remember.

It also isn't very scary in his memory. It's draughty and has rats scurrying about, but the electricity and heating still worked, somehow, and the social situations he'd gotten thrown into at Martyn's shoulder were definitely more nerve-wracking than the house itself.

All of these things are still more or less true, according to everything Phil has been told, but when Phil climbs in through the loose boards of the kitchen window, the hairs on the back of his neck stand straight up. He hesitates for so long on the sill that Chris pushes a bit at him, reminding him to move before some annoyed neighbour calls the police.

It's dim inside but not so dark that Phil's eyes strain; the streetlights and setting sun filter in through the boards and showcase the dust covering every surface.

Phil helps Sophie and then Chris through the window, PJ giving them boosts from the outside. They take the various bags from PJ and Sophie immediately pulls out the camera, ignoring the thuds that PJ's feet make as he launches himself up and clambers in like a monkey.

"Sexy," Chris drawls as PJ nearly tumbles onto his face. He's grabbing out equipment of his own, and so Phil is tasked with getting PJ through the window safely.

"At least I've got a modicum of upper body strength," PJ says. Neither of them are bothering to whisper, and that's making Phil anxious.

He can't put his finger on it, but... it doesn't feel like they're alone in here. There's probably someone hiding out from the chill of late October in one of the various empty rooms, and Phil's worst case scenario wheel is spinning so fast it's making him dizzy.

"Do you hear that?" Sophie asks, hushed. That stops PJ and Chris from continuing their bickering, and all three men freeze as they strain for whatever it is that Sophie's hearing. After a moment of complete silence, Sophie shakes her head. "It stopped. Hopefully the mic caught it over you lot."

PJ looks appropriately abashed, but Chris just shrugs. He's got a flashlight and an EMF meter, and he slings one of the bags over his shoulder before disappearing.

This is technically for Phil's channel - they're checking the place out, and Sophie is filming just in case something happens - but Phil still feels weird when PJ ducks off in another direction and Sophie stays at his side instead of following one of her boys, camera steady in her hands and the tip of her nose pink from the cool air.

"What did you hear?" Phil murmurs, beckoning her further into the house. The sound of creaking wood is so loud, like it's right above their heads, and Phil can only hope that it's one of his friends going upstairs.

"It could have been the wind," Sophie says mildly. "Or rats."

"Is that what it sounded like?"

Sophie blinks up at him and her mouth twists in an emotion that Phil can't place. "No. No, it sounded like a person talking."

Yeah, that's what Phil was afraid of. "Someone might be living here," he whispers, focusing on the dark hallway and trusting that Sophie is following.

The creaking again, this time from beside them, and Phil peeks his head around the corner to confirm that the staircase is what he's hearing. Chris is halfway up it, flashlight off between his teeth as he grips the railing like he's afraid the stairs are going to give out under him.

Phil hates this part. He'd rather do this completely alone than have to herd his friends like sheep. He leaves Chris to his own devices and moves into the lounge. This is where the majority of the litter is, empty bottles and cans and crisp bags everywhere. Phil takes a couple photos of it all and sends them to Martyn.

Remember your friend who used to bring a garbage bag to every party? Looks like he was the only one lol

He pauses. All too aware of Sophie's eyes and possibly the camera lens on him, Phil sends the photo to Winnie as well with a different caption: Does it always look like this?

Neither of them respond by the time Phil has picked his way through the first floor, which is at least good for his focus, but it doesn't explain why the house feels so much different than it had seven or eight years ago. Phil feels unsettled here in a way that he doesn't usually get anymore, goosebumps down his arms that aren't from the cold and the constant, unnerving feeling that someone is looking at him from the shadows.

Phil's phone buzzes as he and Sophie debate in whispers if they should go upstairs. Phil hates leaving anything to someone else, even if it's just a few rooms that surely PJ and Chris are capable of exploring on their own. He's in the middle of trying to explain that to Sophie when his voice catches in his throat.

"Peej says we should go," Phil says, interrupting himself. "He found something weird in the attic."

"What's he doing in the attic?" Sophie hisses.

"Dunno. I didn't even know there was an attic."

"We should go, then," says Sophie, like that decides it. Although it does rankle a bit to be lower on the totem pole of his own project, Phil has to admit that Sophie is right. If PJ is saying that it's time to go, then it's time to go.

Phil climbs out of the window first, taking the equipment with him, and then helps hoist Sophie safely down. She's so small that it's not even a strain, really, even with how little exercise Phil gets. They wait, huddled together, and Phil feels some of the knot in his chest start to loosen when he hears Chris and PJ arguing in whispers before the window boards get slid out of the way again.

"What did you find?" Phil asks immediately, and PJ hushes him on his way down.

"Let's go, I'll tell you at the café," he whispers, leading the way down the pavement with strides so purposeful that Phil wonders if he's been in this area before. It's all the rest of them can do to keep up with him, and Phil spares a moment to feel sorry for Sophie and her short legs.

He hangs back with her and lets Chris keep pace with PJ. Chris is still talking at a silent PJ in a hushed, passionate tone, like he's fighting with a brick wall, and Phil doesn't need to be involved in that.

The coffee shop is only a couple of streets away, but the tension that the Wilkins place and PJ's subsequent discovery has brought to the group makes it feel much further. PJ stops in front of a purple door, and Phil has a begrudging respect for his ability to remember where something is after simply being told the address. The shop is small and a little dingy, but the lighting inside is soft through the narrow windows and there's a fireplace that Phil longs to curl up in front of like a cat.

Chris scowls at PJ and holds the door open for him in the same breath. Phil doesn't understand their relationship and at this point he's too afraid to ask, but he ducks into the inviting warmth anyway to try to get the goosebumps off his skin.

The two employees behind the counter look at the door like they've been caught with their hands in a cookie jar. A girl with brightly-coloured hair is holding a bunch of marshmallows, a hand poised mid-throw, and an unreasonably tall guy with an unreasonably large mouth is gawping as one of the marshmallows hits him in the chin.

"You missed," Phil informs them, grinning a bit as he unwinds his scarf.

"Oops," the girl laughs, setting the marshmallows down and pulling up a customer service smile. "What can I get for you guys?"

While PJ and Sophie pore over the menu and Chris starts asking if she'll throw marshmallows into his mouth if he asks very nicely, Phil's eyes drift to the other worker.

His mouth is still open, a bit, and his face flushes when their eyes meet. "Er," he says, glancing behind him as if Phil is looking at someone else, and that's so endearing that Phil is sufficiently distracted from the mystery down the street.

Phil isn't extremely self-conscious or anything, but he also knows he's not going to be the hottest guy in a room, so he's a bit flattered and a lot confused about this guy's reaction to him.

The thing is, the guy is very attractive. A couple of perfect curls poke out from under his cap, and there's some type of shimmer on his face that Phil could not put a name to if you paid him. He knows literally nothing about makeup, but he knows that it makes this giant of a man look softer and his blush even more obvious when it deepens.

"Hi," Phil says, giving him a little wave. He can still hear Chris chattering on and Sophie debating the merits of a hot chocolate versus a cappuccino, so he's pretty sure nobody is paying them any attention. The guy twitches like he wants to look over his shoulder again, but he stops himself.

"Uh, hi? Sorry to be, like, weird, I just - I didn't expect -"

The voice is familiar, the rambling is familiar, and then it clicks. "Oh, hi," Phil says again, warmer this time. He steps closer to the counter and grins up at them - an unusual thing in itself, since Phil doesn't meet many people taller than him. "You didn't mention that you work here."

Winnie's shoulders slump forward in a kind of relief, and they scratch the back of their neck, looking awkward and out of place even in an outfit that coordinates with the colour scheme of the whole shop. Phil looks the uniform over and immediately regrets it, because he didn't mean to see Winnie's name tag and now he feels weird about knowing something he wasn't actually told. He doesn't feel too weird about being here, though, because - well. Winnie had technically invited him.

"Honestly, I didn't know you'd be 'investigating' so soon," says Winnie. They're still blushing and the finger quotes are somehow cute, even though they're being used to poke at Phil's career. Their nails are dark and sparkly, and Phil desperately needs to stop noticing things about their hands. "I would have told you, probably, or I'd just - I dunno, try to make a better first impression."

"You're making a fine first impression," Phil assures them.

Winnie snorts. "Oh, bullshit."

"Phil," PJ says, nudging him. Phil suddenly remembers that there are, in fact, other people around him, and he can't just keep looking at Winnie's long, dark eyelashes. "What are you having?"

Honestly, Phil hasn't even looked at the menu. He's so easily distracted by pretty boys with big hands and - oh, right, he's got to be careful about that, even in his own head. Especially in his own head. Winnie isn't a pretty boy, he really shouldn't be thinking about them like that at all.

"Uh," Phil says eloquently. He's very particular with his hot drinks, usually, but he's got a lot going on in his mind right now and it's easier just to shrug at Winnie than to look away and think. "Dunno, actually. Surprise me?"

Winnie smiles, and Phil's stomach twists. "I can do that."

[maylovexhs]

everytime - BELIEVE(Chp 5)

Author’s Note: I promised and I delivered. By the way, I’m in finals week so don’t expect anything from me at least a week. Anyways, I always enjoy your feedback and comments. I hope you enjoy this chapter. Yes, it takes place on Met Gala night! Love, M.

everytime masterlist(https://maylovexhs.tumblr.com/post/184349485299/everytime-masterlist-a-story-in-which)

Masterlist(https://maylovexhs.tumblr.com/post/164991761564/masterlist)

May 6th, 2019. NYC.

“And I am done” Rosé said, finishing doing touches on my eyes.

She moved to the side, allowing me to see myself in the mirror. I walked closer to the mirror, examining my makeup. The purple eyeshadow and green eyeliner brought out my green eyes. I smiled, becoming excited. I turned around to Rosé.

“I feel like tearing up but I can’t because I don’t want to ruin it” I told her.

“Aww” Rosé said. “Here let me take a pic of you”

“No. Not yet” I said. “I want to wear the dress when you do. Let me go check on Ali”

I sprinted out of the room and went into the bathroom where Camilla was doing Ali’s hair.

“How do I look?” I asked them, pointing to my eyes.

“It looks cute” Ali said. “You look like a peacock though”

“That’s the point” I said.

“I think it looks nice” Camilla said.

“Thanks C” I said to her. “Is Ali almost done?”

“Just pinning her hair up and have to spray it” She said.

“Then we both get to put on our dresses!” I said, squealing a bit. “Ugh I’m nervous and excited”

“I’m more nervous” Ali said.

“Don’t be” I said. “You get to party. I have to deal with everything else”

“And everyone” Camilla added.

“That’s the worst part” I said to her. “I have to stand and greet everyone for two hours and then there is the actual dinner. Ugh, at least I have Gaga and Harry to lean on”

“Mhmm” Ali said, rolling her eyes at me.

She was still fed up over Harry and I. And I have become fed up with her attitude.

“You know, if you are going to have that attitude all night then you shouldn’t come” I said to Ali. “I can go alone or take Sophia instead”

Ali sat up in the chair. Camilla stopped pinning Ali’s hair, not being finished with it though.

“My attitude?” Ali asked me. “What attitude do I have?”

“You know what I’m talking about” I told her. “Everytime I bring up Harry, you roll your eyes or insult him” I said. “I get that you don’t like him, but he’s my friend. And he’s my co-host. So lose the attitude, at least for tonight”

I walked out of the bathroom. Ali followed me.

“Why do you think I don’t like him?” Ali asked me. “Because he’s the one who left you to be on that damn yacht with Kendall”

“I told you that was in the past” I said to her. “It’s been three years”

“Exactly!” Ali said. “Ever since then, it’s been three years they have been on and off. You heard the news of them. Harry goes to her parties. She goes to his concerts. They will always hook up whenever they get the chance to. You said so yourself, that you hate when Harry hangs out with her-“

“Him and I are friends!” I yelled at her. “We’re friends. Whoever Harry decides to spend his time, I accept because I’m his friend. I couldn’t give less than a fuck if Harry is dating her. I used to but not now. Not ever”

“You’re sure?” Ali asked me. “You’re sure that if you see them together tonight, you won’t cry or be hurt?”

“Yes. You want to know why? Because it’s not my business and it’s not your business either” I told her.

I let out a sigh. She crossed her arms at me.

“Finish your damn hair and get in your dress” I ordered her. “And lose the attitude before I leave you behind”

I turned around from her and walked to the living room where my dress was hanging on a clothing rack. I took the dress off the rack, holding it by it’s hanger. I examined it, letting out a heavy breath.

This was going to be a dramatic night.

“Y/N! TO YOUR LEFT! Y/N ARE YOU DATING ADAM?! Y/N SMILE HERE! Y/N WHO ARE YOU WEARING?! Y/N IS THERE AN ALBUM COMING SOON?!?”

I smiled to the cameras one last time before walking up the stairs. I entered the museum, skipping press questions. I smiled when I saw Anna and Gaga talking to each other in front of the wall of flowers. Gaga was in her black lingerie. I walked over to them. They turned towards me, noticing I came. Anna smiled at me. I took that as a sign that she liked my dress.

“Y/N you look absolutely fabulous” Anna complimented me.

“Oh my, thank you” I said to her.

“Ugh you look darling in it” Gaga said to me.

I blushed.

“Thanks! But you were amazing” I said to her. “I was screaming in line when I saw you getting undressed”

“It’s all about the performance” Gaga said.

We heard shouting from outside the museum.

“I guess that’s Harry” I said. “Was it that loud when I came?”

“It’s always loud” Anna said, sounding like she was lying.

I faked a laugh at her.

“Y/N, why don’t you take your pictures in front of the wall?” Anna asked me which sounded more of an order than a question. “Gaga and I are going to the stairs” Anna said. “We’ll wait for you”

Anna and Gaga turned around from me before I could give her an answer. I looked to the photographers, faking a smile as I tried to brush off the moment. I stood in front of the wall of roses. I smiled at the cameras as they took pictures. I couldn’t do any poses since my dress restricted me. I stood there smiling for a minute before I heard Harry’s voice. I looked to the entrance, seeing Harry and Alessandro Michele walk in. He was wearing lace and an earring. I expected him to dress in a Gucci suit.

I walked away from the photographers and walked to Harry and Alessandro. Harry looked at me, smirking.

“You look even better than in the FaceTime videos” Harry said.

“And you look absolutely gorgeous” I said to him.

Harry blushed a little.

“So,” I said. “How does it feel? Finally walking the carpet?”

“Nervous but exciting” Harry said. “Did you just come?”

“Oh, no” I said. “I came the same time as Gaga. I was about to head up the stairs. By the way, please don’t do the peace sign in front of the flowers”

Harry chuckled.

“I won’t” Harry said. “Are you going to the after party?”

“Maybe” I told him. “Depends how I feel. I’ll probably tell you before if I am coming”

“Alright” Harry said. “I’ll see you in a minute, I guess”

I smirked at him.

“I’ll see you at the top of the stairs” I told him.

I passed him, walking away.

He’s definitely going to steal the spotlight tonight.

“She completely ignored me” I complained to Adrain. “I stood right next to Harry and she didn’t even acknowledge me. That was rude”

“I wouldn’t say that out loud” Adrain said. “Don’t want Miss. Wintour to ban you from attending the gala”

“If anyone who she should ban, it’s Kendall” I said. “She’s the one who was rude to me”

“You know, you’re not sounding like a good co-chair” Adrain said.

I rolled my eyes at him.

“I’m going to find Harry” I told Adrain. “Need to tell him I’m going to the party”

“Didn’t you already did?” Adrain asked me.

“No” I said, shaking my head.

“Great” Adrain said in a sarcastic voice. “Now I have to wait twenty minutes for you to get back to me”

I smirked at him.

“I’ll be right back” I said to him. “Can you call Ali to meet us up?”

“The things I do as your stylist” Adrain commented.

“Thanks” I said to him.

I left him, walking away. Because I was a host, I had to greet everyone and let them all go inside the dinner before me. I knew Harry was somewhere close to me since he left a minute before I did. I had to pass through late guests as I walked. I bumped into Bella Hadid, one of those late guests.

“Hey Y/N!” Bella greeted me.

“Hey Bella!” I said to her. “Enjoying the party?”

“I’m loving it” She said. “You look fucking amazing girl”

I blushed.

“Aww, you too!” I told her. “You look like a goddess!”

“Thanks” She said. “You’re coming to the after party, right?”

“Yeah! Of course, I’m up for anything” I said to her. “I gotta go get ready for my speech. I’ll see you after”

“Alright” Bella said. “Good luck”

I smiled from Bella’s kind words. I walked in another direction from her. My smile disappeared instantly when I saw Harry . . . and her. I stopped walking, standing still when I saw Harry and Kendall hugging. I watched Harry pull away from her, focusing on how he had her hand on her waist. I looked at him as he smiled at her. He was blushing, in admiration of her. He looked at her in a different way than I saw him look at another person. He looked at her like he never looked at me before.

I turned around from the sight of them. I walked away, passing through guests. I felt rage grow in me. The same jealous rage I had on New Years when I found pictures of Harry and her on a yacht. I felt my eyes water up. I felt like I was about to cry. I couldn’t cry. Especially here. Not in front of everyone. Especially them two.

“Y/N” I heard someone call my name.

I turned to them. It was Sarah.

“Oh, hey Sarah” I said, forcing myself to smile at her.

“I didn’t see you in forever” Sarah said. “I was going to hug you but you’re a butterfly and-“

“I know, I know” I told her. “I was just-“

“You’re coming for another season right?” Sarah asked me, cutting me off. “Ryan said you might not be back”

“I will be back” I told her. “But as a guest star. I could only do a few episodes since of scheduling conflicts”

“Fuck, really?” Sarah asked me. “First it was Evan and now it’s-“

“I can’t talk right now Sarah” I said to her. “I need to use the bathroom and change out of my clothes. I’ll talk to you after my speech on stage”

I walked away from her, not caring about her answer. I walked back to Adrian.

“Back so quick?” Adrain asked me. “Did you talk to Harry?”

“Uh huh, I talked to him” I told him, sniffling as I tried to hold back my tears. “Let’s go. I really need to get out of this dress”

“Do you believe in life after love? I can feel something inside me say. ‘I really don't think you're strong enough, no’”

I didn’t cry. Yes, I teared up a little from the sight of them but I didn’t cry. And I’m pretty sure no one noticed I teared up. I considered that some personal growth. Hell, I even talked to Harry after I changed outfits and didn’t feel anything. Turns out when you’re in your late twenties and already had experience with heartbreak, you can control how to react to it. Plus, I really couldn’t care about Harry and Kendall when there was Cher, Gaga and drag queens on stage in front of me.

“Do you believe in life after love? I can feel something inside me say. ‘I really don't think you're strong enough, no’”

I turned to Ali who stood beside me. I leaned into her.

“You want to get a milkshake and fries after this?” I asked her.

She turned to me, looking surprised.

“You don’t want to go to the after-party?” Ali asked me.

“No” I said, smiling at her. “The only thing I want to do is go home and sing while I beat your ass at air hockey”

Ali smiled at me.

“This has nothing to do with Kendall, does it?” Ali asked me.

“What am I supposed to do? Sit around and wait for you - well, I can't do that and there's no turning back”

I looked to Harry who was dancing on a table at the other side of the room. I smiled at him. I looked back to Ali.

“I know Harry” I said to Ali. “He’s always going to have a thing for Kendall. I can’t sit around for him to stop having a thing for her. I can’t control it. I can control who I spend my time with. Tonight, it’s definitely not with him”

“I need time to move on. I need love to feel strong. 'Cause I've had time to think it through. And maybe I'm too good for you, oh”

“Are you sure?” Ali asked me. “I’ll go wherever you go but do you want to? It’s your night. Harry and Kendall shouldn’t ruin your night”

“They aren’t. I’m too good to let them ruin my night.” I said. “Besides, being a host fucking sucks. I’m exhausted by having to force myself to smile at everyone”

Ali laughed.

“Not exhausted enough to play air hockey with me, right?” Ali asked.

“Exactly” I said.

I took her hand in mine.

“Let’s go” I said.

I walked my way through the crowd of people to the exit, dragging Ali along. I bumped into Adam before reaching the exit.

“Y/N” Adam called me.

I let go of Ali’s hand and turned to him. He was wearing a suit. A suit that was on theme. His look was probably better than Harry’s.

“Adam” I said, looking at his suit. “You look . . . incredible”

Adam smiled.

“And you look more than incredible” Adam said. “Are you leaving?”

“Uh, Yeah” I answered him. “Why you ask?”

“I was hoping to get a drink with you” Adam said. “I hoped to bump into you at the after party”

I blushed. He wanted to see me.

“I���m not going to the after party. I’m heading home” I told him. “But I would love to have a drink with you one day”

“Really?” Adam asked me. “How about tomorrow?”

“I can’t tomorrow” I said, lying.

I knew either him or I were going to have a massive hangover tomorrow. I didn’t want our date to cancelled last second tomorrow because one of us feels sick.

“How about Wednesday?” I asked him.

“Wednesday” Adam said. “I can do that day”

“I’ll call you Wednesday morning then” I said to him. “Goodnight Adam”

“Goodnight Y/N” Adam said to me.

I smiled at him before leaving him. Ali followed behind me.

“Now he, I might like” Ali said.

I rolled my eyes at her.

“Come on”

Author’s Note: Hope y’all enjoyed the chapter! Btw, this is Y/N’s dress:

[only-kiwi]

Demons IV

i know this took ages and i don’t even like this chapter that much but i’ve had a few days off work and tried finishing this for you. i love you guys thank you for being patient with me 💘

TW: mentions of self harm, depression, eating disorder, use of drugs, swearing, age gap (19/24)

Billie really didn’t want to go to this party. Not even a little bit. She had bad experiences with them, but she tried not to think about it. The only people that know what really went down were herself, Willow, and her parents. Not even Jacob knew. Not even 18 months ago, Billie was at every party she should find. Even though she didn’t have many friends, Willow did, and they loved to party. However, it all got out of hand when someone started bringing drugs. It started with cigarettes (she’s being forced to quit). Then weed, which wasn’t that big of a deal to anymore. But Billie had enough of just being high, and she decided that she needed more. That’s where the cocaine and heroine came in.

It was fine at first, she could control it. It was all a bit of fun. But back then, Billie’s depression was the worst it had ever been and she couldn’t seem to forget about it. That’s how she ended in the hospital with a heroine overdose.

It wasn’t like she tried to overdose or anything - at that point it had been about six months since her last attempt and everyone thought she was doing fine.

Usually, when parents find out their kids are doing drugs, they get angry. But with Billie in the hospital, so close to death, her parents felt hopeless and all they wanted to do was help.

Today was the first time Billie was going to another party since. She was nervous as fuck but she figured that Harry’s friends were responsible and there would probably only be alcohol and a bit of weed. Also, Harry would be with her the whole time. If anything got bad, Billie would just ask to leave or tell him what’s going on. It didn’t help that Billie wasn’t having the best couple of days. Ever since she left Harry’s that morning she’d been filled with anxiety and it just hadn’t gone away. All she could think about was the kiss and what it meant or if it even meant anything at all. Her mind was fucked. It wasn’t the type of anxiety where she got shaky and couldn’t breathe. It was the type where he was so zoned out and felt like she wasn’t really there. Like she was dreaming or something. She was good at hiding it, she didn’t tell her parents or Jacob or Harry. It was stupid anyway.

“Billie?” Jacob knocked on his sister’s door. “Are you busy?”

“Trying to pick an outfit, what’s up?”

“Can you paint my right hand?” The young boy muttered and Billie look at his hands. The nails on his left hand were painted black and he had the bottle with him. “I’m shit with my left.”

“Yeah, come sit. When did you start painting them?”

“Tried it the other day and I liked it so I think I’m gonna keep doing it.” He shrugged.

“What about mum and dad? And the kids at school, I know how they can be and-“

“I don’t really care. Painting my nails doesn’t really mean anything, I just like the way it looks. Don’t care about anyone else.”

In that moment, Billie admired her little bother more than she ever admired anyone. She wished she had that mentality, she wished she didn’t care about what anyone thought about her. She wished she was like Jacob. Suddenly, Billie’s door opened and more half a second both their hearts stopped thinking it was their parents. But it was just Harry.

“Hi, your mum let me in.” He smiled. “Hey, Jacob. Nice nails. We match.”

Looking up, Billie saw that Harry’s nails were painted black and they only made him more attractive. Billie almost couldn’t breathe. Why the fuck was he so hot?!

“Thanks, are you two going somewhere?”

“It’s his friend, Niall’s, birthday. We’re going to his party.”

“You? A party?”

“That’s what I said!” Billie laughed as she finished up her brother’s nails. “Alright, get out, I have to get ready.”

With that, Jacob left, and Billie was left alone with Harry. She couldn’t help but feel awkward. Does she mention the kiss? Ignore it? She just didn’t know. She decided to not say anything until Harry did so she could save herself the embarrassment.

“Help me pick an outfit?” She asked Harry, pointing to her wardrobe. He smiled slightly and nodded.

****

Harry and Billie pulled up outside the massive house and she already felt intimidated. This house was bigger than Harry’s and she didn’t know what to do with herself. Breath, Billie.

“You okay?” Harry asked as he took off his seatbelt.

“Mhm,” she nodded, pulling out a cigarette and lighting it, “you don’t mind, do you?”

“Nope.”

Billie let the smoke fill her lungs and she felt less anxious in seconds, but that didn’t mean she was ready to go inside. She was scared of what people would think of her, if Harry had told them about her. Or maybe she was scared they would have drugs there. She didn’t know if she would be able to handle it.

Once she’d finished her cigarette she took in a deep breath and tried to relax. “Okay, I’m ready.”

Walking into the house, Billie felt like walking right back out. There were literally hundreds of people there. Hundreds. Harry noticed how nervous Billie was and grabbed her hand, squeezing it slightly and giving her a smile.

“Harry! Good to see you, man!” Harry’s very drunk friend greeted him. The Irish accent was enough for Billie to know that it was Niall. “You brought a friend?!”

“Niall, this is Billie. Billie, Niall.” He introduced them, and Billie have the drunk man a smile.

“It’s nice to meet you,” Billie shouted over the music. “Happy birthday, by the way.”

“Thanks, love! There’s drinks and shit in the kitchen, help yourselves.” Niall said before spotting another friend and walking off.

They walked to the kitchen and Billie needed a drink. She wasn’t planning on getting drunk but she needed something to loosen her up a bit. Billie couldn’t remember the last time she got drunk, and she didn’t want to. Harry handed her a vodka lemonade, and she took a sip from the red solo cup.

“You know, all this plastic isn’t good for the planet.” Billie pointed to all the cups in the kitchen and Harry playfully rolled his eyes.

“Are you one of them planet-saving-cruelty-free-vegans?”

“So what if I was?”

“I think that’s pretty cool.”

“Well I’m not vegan, I’m vegetarian but all the other stuff applies. It’s something that everyone should care about, it’s just common sense.” Billie explained. It was a random conversation but she wondered why they’d never spoke about it before because she’s sure she must have mentioned it.

Before Harry could get a word out, someone called his name. “Oh, my God. What’s it been, H? Like, two years?”

Harry’s discomfort was clear, but Billie sipped her drink and stayed quiet. “Hi, Kendall.”

“Who’s your friend?”

“This is Billie.”

Billie tried her best to remain calm but Kendall was absolutely beautiful - she was a model after all. Billie had seen her on magazines, in ads and on billboards. Everywhere. She didn’t know Harry knew her, but she wasn’t really surprised.

“So, how long have you been together for?”

“We’re just friends,” Billie and Harry both said at the same time, but it didn’t sound very convincing.

“Weren’t we ‘just friends’ for a whole year.” The model taunted, raising her eyebrow.

“That was your choice, not mine.” Harry picked at his black nails, he was starting to get anxious. So, Billie decided to step in.

“It was lovely meeting you, Kendall. Hopefully we run into each other again tonight. But H wanted to introduce me to a couple of people, didn’t you?” She out of her best fake nice voice, knowing she sounded bitchy. Billie wasn’t a bad person, but that sure as hell made her feel good. She took Harry’s hand, making sure Kendall saw, before walking to what she assumed to be the living room.

She regretted it immediately. The place was filled with drugs. Not just weed - she didn’t mind that. But there was cocaine all over the tables and people injecting themselves with heroine. Billie felt sick and it was just because she’d barely eaten.

“What the fuck?” She mumbled, mostly to herself.

“I know.” Harry sighed. “Don’t worry, I don’t do any of this shit.”

“That’s not the point, H. You said this was a party not a fucking crack house. And what was with that Kendall?”

“This is exactly why I didn’t want to come here alone. And she’s apparently still mad that I broke up with her.” Harry huffed. “She can fuck off though, she’s such a bitch.”

“Yeah, it shows.” Billie muttered, but Harry heard anyway and laughed. “Can we go outside?”

Harry nodded and lead Billie to the garden, which was luckily empty. They sat on the chair and Billie pulled out yet another cigarette. “It’s not even been twenty minutes.” Harry pointed out. “Thought you were gonna quit?”

“Yeah, well I’m stressed.”

“Because I brought you here?”

“I wouldn’t have come if I knew there was gonna be drugs.” Billie sipped her drink. “I can’t be around that shit.”

“Did something happen?” Billie debated telling him. She didn’t want him to think of her as some messed up drug addict. She wanted a fresh start, not to keep bringing up the past, but she figured that Harry wouldn’t judge her.

“A lot happened.” She shook her head, trying not to go into a negative mindset. “It was around a year and a half ago, after my eighteenth. Long story short, my depression was the worst it had ever been and I went to loads of parties and shit. I fell in with the wrong people and started taking drugs to make myself feel better.”

“Oh, my God.” Harry whispered. “I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have brought you. We can leave right now. I’ll tell Niall-“

Billie opened her mouth to speak, but before she could, the back door opened. Kendall and a few others came stumbling out of the house. Harry saw Billie roll her eyes, and had to hold back his laugh. He didn’t care much for Kendall anymore, they hadn’t spoken in years and their relationship was nothing special. They fucked on and off for a year before Harry caught feelings and Kendall decided to end it.

“Harry! Billie!” She practically screamed before sitting with them. “Come join the fun!”

“We’ve got the good stuff!” Another really pretty, model looking girl said, before pulling out a bag of white powder. Billie instantly tensed up. Harry’s eyes darted to her straight away, he could feel the anxiety coming off of her.

“Where’s the bathroom?” Billie whispered to Harry, starting to get up from her seat.

“On the left as soon as you walk upstairs.” He told her. “Do you want me to come with you?”

“I’ll be ok,” the younger girl promised, “I won’t be long.

Harry was concerned but nodded anyway. He couldn’t imagine how hard it must have been to be around all these drugs after overdosing from them. He wondered if she was tempted to take any, or if she just didn’t feel comfortable. Hopefully, it was the latter. But he simply didn’t know.

Billie was panicking in the bathroom. She wanted to go home. She wanted to ask Harry if they could leave but she didn’t want to take him away from his other friends. It was just so hard being around all those drugs. She remembered how they made her feel - she wanted to feel like that again. She wanted to feel free and calm.

All she could hear was a muffled Travis Scott and the voices in her head. Why is this happening right now? They hadn’t come in days - the voices. Yeah, she was anxious but now it’s all hitting her. It was like in the movies where there’s an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other. Only there were devils on both Billie’s shoulders and they were dragging her down.

Billie looked up in the mirror and ran her hands through her hair. “No,” she tried shaking the voices out of her head, “no, no, no.”

The poor girl felt like she was drowning, like she couldn’t breathe anymore. Fuck. She tried digging into her pockets for her phone so she could call Harry, only to realise she left it with him “Fuck!”

The room was spinning. Billie tried gripping onto the counter but she accidentally knocked something off. Her eyes followed it to the ground. A bag of white powder. It was like it was put there for her - like it was waiting. She picked it up and looked at it. Her brain telling her so many different things.

Without thinking, she opened the bad. She didn’t know why she did it, she just... did. Her mind was all over the place. What’s one little sniff, right? Maybe she’ll feel better. All the had to do was control herself so it won’t end up like last time. Yeah. One sniff. Just to take edge off.

She dipped her finger into the bag and brought it up to her nose. She didn’t know how it happened, but suddenly the entire bag was gone. Fuck, fuck, fuck. This wasn’t the plan! If only it kicked in quicker, she wouldn’t have taken so much.

“Come on, Billie, get your shit together.” She told herself, using her shaky hands to pick up the bag and throw it away. “He can’t find out.”

Billie knew it would take at least ten minutes to kick in, and she didn’t know how she would act after. Usually, she’s be dancing on tables and screaming lyrics at the top of her lungs. She couldn’t do that anymore. She didn’t even feel good this time. Just anxious. She can’t remember why she ever enjoyed this.

“Billie? Are you ok?” She heard Harry’s voice and panicked again. He would definitely be able to tell. “You’ve been in there for a while.”

“Yeah, I’m okay!” The younger girl called back before checking if her nose was clean. “Give me a sec.”

Her vision was already getting blurry, she could barely walked straight. But she had to fake it. Opening the bathroom door, she saw Harry standing there. He looked a lot better than she remembered and she’d only been gone half an hour. Her sex drive was insane when she was high.

“Everything good?” Harry asked, eyeing her suspiciously.

“Yeah, perfect. Why wouldn’t it be?” She tried standing still, but she must have looked crazy.

“You were gone for ages, I just-“

“Oh, no need to worry.” She patted his chest and he stood there dumbfounded. “I could really use another drink! Let’s take shots!”

“Shots? I can’t, I’m driving. And there’s no way I’m taking you home drunk.”

“God, you’re such a dad.” Billie rolled her eyes, and stumbled passed him. “Let’s have some fun, H!”

“Billie,” Harry pursed his lips, slightly tugging at her wrist. “Did you take something?”

“What,” she hiccuped, “makes you think I took something?”

“I’m not stupid, what did you take?”

Silence.

“Well?”

“There was a bag in the bathroom.” Billie muttered, avoiding Harry’s gaze.

“For fuck’s sake!” Harry raised his voice. “You had a go at me for bringing you here when all you were gonna do is take whatever the fuck was lying around?! God, Billie. You’re so stupid!”

She knows he’d been drinking a bit, she wanted to blame his reaction on that. But he can’t have been that drunk because like he said, he was driving. She felt herself begin to panic, he’d never spoken to her like that before.

“I-I’m sorry,” she squeaked. “It was right there and they wouldn’t leave me alone I-“

“They?”

“The fucking voices, Harry! They never go away and they kept telling me to do it, I just wanted them to stop.” Her voice started strong but cracked towards the end. Billie had been doing fairly well, but of course, these things sneak up on her at the worst times.

That’s when Harry knew it was more than an act of rebellion or an adrenaline chase. Billie was really sick. She had no control, and it killed him. He felt bad for yelling, it wasn’t her fault.

“I’m sorry for yelling, I’m just worried about you.” Billie nodded, she didn’t really know what to say. “I’m gonna take you home. You need to sleep this off.”

“No, I’m not going home.” She folded her arms and stomped her foot, stumbling slightly as she did so.

“God, you’re such a child.” Harry groaned.

“You weren’t saying that when your tongue was down my throat but ok.” Bullied huffed, and Harry raised his brow.

“Right, that’s enough. We’re leaving.” Harry grabbed her hand and pulled her along.

“Fuck’s sake, Harold!” She practically screamed in frustration. “I don’t want to-“

“Am I interrupting something?” Kendall. Again. God, Billie wanted to punch her. She always showed up whenever she and Harry were alone and she hated it.

“No-“

“Yes-“

“Billie,”

“No! She’s annoying.” Billie shrugged before turning to Kendall. “Harry doesn’t want anything to do with you. Just... go away.”

Harry stayed silent. Billie wasn’t wrong, he just wasn’t happy with her approach. He knew it was the drugs, but for some reason he was growing annoyed. “Come on, B. Let’s go.” He whispered, not daring to look up at Kendall as they walked away. “I’m taking you home.” He told her once they got into the car.

“Take me back to yours.”

“Why?”

“Can’t really walk into my house high of my tits, can I?” Billie huffed. Harry rolled his eyes.

“Fine.”

****

Harry silently opened the door for Billie and they entered his home. They hadn’t spoken a word since they left Niall’s because Harry didn’t really know what to say and Billie had a splitting headache. All she wanted to do was sleep and forget she ever relapsed. She knew she would wake up feeling worse, hating herself and wanting to die. She really fucked up.

The drugs had worn off now. Billie remembered that being her least favourite part of taking them. They wore off way too quickly. She just felt really shitty now. Maybe it would have been fine if Harry wasn’t so annoyed with her. She knows she shouldn’t have taken them but why was he so upset with her?

The first thing Harry did when he was in the bedroom was take his shirt off and throw it to the side. The first thing Billie did was pick it up so she could wear it to bed. She usually wore his shirts when she stayed round, and she wasn’t up for asking for a fresh one. She didn’t say another word as she began to turned to walk about of his room.

“What are you doing?” Harry asked, sounding embarrassingly desperate.

“Going to the spare room?”

He hesitated for half a second before his head got the best of him.

“Stay,” he whispered.

“Okay.”

[babimochi]

None of Your Faves Looked Good at The 2018 Met Gala

If you’ve ever felt insecure about your fashion taste, these looks will make you feel a lot better. Here are the absolute worst looks from attendees of The 2018 Met Gala.

(Photos: Damon Winter/The New York Times)  

1. Selena Gomez

Sis, what’s going on? Did anyone tell you what the theme was or did they just tel you to show up? This looks was more boring and lackluster than her live performances. Do better, Selena.

2. Hailee Steinfield

I don’t even know where to start. I’m confused as to why she’s dressed like she’s attending a high school halloween party instead of a sophisticated gala. Everything is just messy and unpolished, and it wasn’t done that way purposefully.

3. Nick Jonas

I didn’t even know he was there and this is the reason why. It’s not even that his outfit is flat out horrible, it’s just that he’s so boring and didn’t do anything acustomed to the theme other than wear a cheap cross necklace.

4. Cardi B

I’m not like the others, Cardi. I won’t lie to you. This look was very unflattering and didn’t do her pregnancy any justice, which was supposedly the goal. I believe that she could’ve done better, because she has looked better. At least she followed the theme, unlike majority of the guests of the event.

5. Uma Thurman

Honey, while you’re out here trying to Kill Bill, you need to kill the person who sent you out here looking like this. The dress is probably the most boring gown of the night, and there aren’t any accessories to try to help bring attention to her look. This is The Met Gala, Uma, not a David’s Bridal commercial.

6. Paris Jackson, Stella McCartney, & Miley Cyrus

All of these women are just surrounding each other to create a big bubble of boredom and confusion. They aren’t following the theme, and I guess they weren’t trying to look good either. They all look like they arrived at the wrong event or just didn’t receive the details of the gala’s theme.

7. Jared Leto

Jared Leto never knows what he’s doing, how to dress, or how not to embarrass himself completely. This doesn’t give me “Catholic, religious” type vibes. Even the gorgeous Lana Del Rey couldn’t make him look better. Sad.

8. Kendall & Kylie Jenner, Travis Scott

Anyways....

9. Scarlett Johannson

Sigh. Scarlett, why? Absolutely nothing about this look reminds me of the theme whatsoever. It’s not even that it’s completely ugly, it’s that it’s extremely out of place and has no resemblance to the gala’s theme.

10. Katy Perry

I’m not sorry to say I laughed when I saw this. Katy used this look to try to make herself the center of attention, even though everyone was still talking about Rihanna’s look while she stepped on the red carpet. It just looks laughable and unorganized. The wings aren’t bad, but the dress and boots definitely make me cringe.

Honorable Mention:

Jennifer Lopez

I don’t even believe that she tried for this one. She saw a cross on a dress and thought it would work, but as we all can see, it didn’t. Jenny must’ve gone to the wrong block to pick this dress up because this ain’t it. At all.

There are many, many more looks that were just horrific, but I thought I’d let you find them on your own. Who had the worst Met Gala looks in your opinion? Would you ever wear any of these looks?

Check out our post about the BEST 2018 Met Gala looks here.

- Bree

[junker-town]

‘The Bachelorette’ Episode 3: We’ve got drama on and off the field

From the football field to the Intensive Care Unit, Becca’s season is taking a dramatic turn.

We’ve long maintained that The Bachelor/ette is sports, and I just love it when they validate us by PLAYING ACTUAL SPORTS.

In case you missed anything from last week’s episode of The Bachelorette, you can check out the recap here.

Let’s get to it!

FIRST GROUP DATE, DAY:

After re-hashing the previous episode’s Rose Ceremony and getting pensive glances from Colton and baseless confidence from Jordan, we’re ready to roll.

Wills, Jason, Jordan, David, Jean Blanc, and Colton all heard their names called for one of the two group dates, where they were whisked away to a spa to “relax.”

The guys were joined by Tia, Kendall, Bekah M., Seinne, and Caroline from last season, because just like real life, you always bring all your girlfriends that you met exclusively while dating the same man to meet a handful of your new boyfriends.

Adding to the drama, of course, is the fact that friend Tia and potential beau Colton “dated” before he broke it off (after what he said was a weekend) because he was going on the show.

This is not a thing, in my opinion. You’ve already competed with her once for a guy, Tia and Colton kissed, and he ended it to come on the show. This is the perfect “how much shit am I in?” face, though.

ABC

Things got off to a rocky start for one of our suitors when SHE FORGOT JASON’S NAME. Understandable, to be honest. There’s still an unwieldy number of similarly-looking men standing around, so it was only a matter of time.

I’m sorry, but this looks like both the absolute worst date and worst spa day. As a date, you’ve invited all of your close girlfriends to get massaged and touched by your prospects. As a spa day, you have a bunch of untrained men in their early 20s trying to make you feel relaxed. I hate to be the one to share this with you, but not all massages are made equal.

They basically spend the entire time painting each others’ nails, handing out massages, and using those things that look like broken whisks to scratch each other’s heads.

FIRST GROUP DATE, NIGHT:

Our now well-dressed group gathered in yet another nondescript loft-type bar filled with leather sofas and overstuffed chairs as they kicked off the round robin portion of the date. I respect the hell out of Jean Blanc’s “hey, everyone, let’s continue being super cool gentlemen” statement literally seconds before interrupting Becca’s welcome to whisk her away for some quiet time.

Becca says she likes Jason — you know, the one whose name she forgot — and that he’s so cute and makes her nervous. I had prepared a bunch of snarky jokes about how he looks more like her accountant than her date, but he actually handles her forgetting his name pretty well.

NOW LET’S TALK ABOUT JORDAN’S TINDER MATCHES.

Jordan shares with the group that he got an email from Tinder saying “congrats on 4,000 matches in 2017,” which leads me to some initial questions:

Wait, will they really email you that?

How do you have time to swipe that much?

How do you have time to go on actual dates if you’re swiping that much?

I did the math. Four thousand matches is just shy of 11 matches per day. Jordan is adamant that he’s “like, totally not even on it every day, bro,” so let’s just go for a weekly number of 77 matches a week.

SEVENTY SEVEN.

Thank god for David the Chicken, Jordan’s natural enemy in the house, for asking the questions I need to know. Jordan says his match rate is close 100 percent, because of course he does.

David then spends some alone time with Becca where he spills the beans on Jordan’s excessive Tinder success. What I really like about Becca (that wasn’t really conveyed through her interactions with Arie, the blandest man in the world) is she has a very low bullshit rate.

There is literally a guy on this date that dated one of her friends and we’re here listening to two grown (kind of) men talk about Tinder nonsense while Jordan is throwing modeling glares across the room as everyone else makes futile attempts to cover up their laughter.

Colton earns the rose as a symbolic gesture from Becca to illustrate a new start, so him and his leather jacket collection will stick around another week. Jordan doesn’t take the loss well as he thinks David the Chicken sabotaged his chances and says, “people who go against me usually end up hurt.”

BRB, calling the cops.

ONE-ON-ONE WITH CHRIS:

Chris earns the coveted solo date this week, and they head to Capitol Records where they find Richard Marx casually playing the piano.

The confidence and ease with which Chris just names Richard Marx as the one playing in the voiceover pretty much guarantees that he has absolutely no idea who Richard Marx is and a producer fed it to him. They get the homework of writing a love song... which sounds just terrible. Chris, who is dressed like a New Kid on the Block during a reunion tour, shares a sad story about his estrangement with his father.

Despite not wanting to open up, he puts together enough song lyrics to lead to this reaction from Richard Marx:

“He just dropped the mic.” - @richardmarx #TheBachelorette pic.twitter.com/bNMSknsDJb

— The Bachelorette (@BacheloretteABC) June 12, 2018

Over dinner the duo killed time talking about sad stuff until Becca gave him the rose and they were forced to awkwardly dance in front of Richard Marx playing the piano.

The solo concerts are the second-most awkward moments on The Bachelor/ette, second only to when they make the couples dance on a raised platform surrounded by hundreds of strangers with cell phones who inexplicably want to record the dancing.

Right Here Waiting for You is a banger though. She should have left with Richard Marx, to be honest.

BEDS ARE DANGEROUS:

While Becca and Chris are slow-dance-making-out for Richard Marx (who deserves better), we head back to the house to find David the Chicken being taken out of the Forever Love Mansion on a stretcher and in a neck brace.

ABC

Lincoln’s added voiceover doesn’t provide any background on what happened, but he explains that there was a lot of blood and hopes that David the Chicken will survive.

As he says “there was a lot of blood,” ABC gives us this:

ABC

That’s a fair amount of blood. However, is that the instruction manual for the next brace? How are they packaged? Why is it on the floor in a pool of David’s blood? Did the paramedics need that? Should I be worried about these paramedics?

Chris Harrison arrives at Becca’s hotel to let her know that David is now in intensive care (!!!) because of the injuries sustained to his face when he...

FELL OUT OF BED.

“Who did this?” #TheBachelorette pic.twitter.com/RI3gAubE9a

— The Bachelorette (@BacheloretteABC) June 12, 2018

Becca calls him and he shares that he’s just used to sleeping in a king size bed. Ok, humble brag. Also, WHAT? Can you imagine falling out of a bunk bed onto your face? Couldn’t be me.

SECOND GROUP DATE, DAY:

WE’RE PLAYING FOOTBALL, Y’ALL. This group date features Clay — a professional football player — and Christon, Lincoln, Garrett, SPORTS ANALYST MIKE, Leo, John, Connor, Ryan, and Blake as fodder for Clay’s skills.

They run through a variety of drills overseen by Malissa Miles and Dina Karwoski of the Legends Football League. These drills are basically just the guys not named Clay looking silly as Clay dominates them. Then, the guys are separated into two teams: Clay, SPORTS ANALYST MIKE, Venmo John, Blake, and Lincoln vs. and Leo, Garrett, Christon, Connor, and Ryan to play a full on tackle football game.

What could go wrong?

The guys compete in front of a raucous crowd of extras in the first ever Becca Bowl, where Chris Harrison and Keyshawn Johnson are on hand as our trusty commentators.

Here calling the action for the Becca Bowl, @chrisbharrison and @keyshawn! pic.twitter.com/gQajEToWnr

— The Bachelorette (@BacheloretteABC) June 12, 2018

It takes one play for Clay to find SPORTS ANALYST MIKE for the best touchdown in reality show history. He doesn’t just analyze the sport, friends. Check this out:

look at @PFF_Mike making the greatest catch in Bachelorette football history pic.twitter.com/JhD6pneJ0S

— Rodger Sherman (@rodger_sherman) June 12, 2018

Honestly, this game was better than 50 percent of the NFL matchups last season. Garrett’s squad took a 21-7 lead late in the game but an interception-turned-pitch for a touchdown by Clay/SPORTS ANALYST MIKE made it a one-score game. Clay took things upon himself and refused to pass the ball to his dead-weight teammates on the final play, breaking several tackles (and potentially his wrist) on the way to the end zone for the game-tying score.

THE COCKTAIL PARTY:

David is still in the hospital recovering from his fall, so we’re down a guy for the festivities. Clay reveals that his wrist injury requires surgery, and he is debating leaving the show to take care of himself, physically.

I’ve watched a lot of these shows and Clay legitimately seems to be one of the most honest, genuine people. Not too get sappy over a dumb reality show, but Clay’s battle with being healthy for his job vs the potential at love is one of the more real things this show has tackled (lol sorry I had to). He truly seems too good for all of this.

He takes care of his family with that NFL paycheck, so he has to take care of himself so he can provide for them, but he dreads the regret that could come with leaving love behind. Normally, I’d be rolling my eyes at this, but he is so sweet and real so instead I’m just crying. Don’t mind me.

We don’t even get a rose ceremony, because what’s the point my heart is broken.

THE WEEK’S BEST JORDAN QUOTES:

“Attached to me is professionality. It’s in my face... my image is me.”

“My feet are rested up on his porch.”

“I feel bad for anyone who has never gotten 100 percent at anything. That’s probably because I don’t have a silver spoon hanging out of my ass.”

“You are a skeleton of a man.”

“I’ll cook, I’ll clean... I’m a Golden Retriever.”

“You’re living in a world of fiction in your head.”

GONE TOO SOON:

CLAAAAAAAY. WHYYYYY.

[tom-w-h]

all of them

Alright, my darlings, brace yourselves.

best hair: Benedict, but only with his Sherlock hair. Nay, his hair when he’s working on Sherlock, but when it hasn’t been all combed and fixed up for the camera. So when it’s all messy, but still those famous dark curls that we all know and love. That hair is to die for. @bendyduckcrumbleface

cutest couple: There are so many cute couples I can think of. But let me go with Zoe and Sam. They are both such lovely and fun people, and it makes me feel so happy, seeing the two of them all loved up. Sometimes even to the point where it grosses me out, which is a real achievement, because I am captain of being soppy ‘til it verges on grossness. @hyfzoe & @samclxflin

nicest smile: Lily. Hands down. I could wake up to find myself in a post-apocalyptic world where nearly all my closest friends and family have not made it, and I would need to do to stop myself from completely and utterly losing my shit is for her to just smile at me. I’ve never seen a smile so beautiful, and contagious, and heartwarming. As Tim McGraw sang: “I’d do anything that you wanted me to, when all is said and done, I’d never count the cost, it’s worth all that’s lost, just to see you smile.” @lilyjamesh 

most athletic: I feel like some sort of athlete deserves this accolade. And all of a sudden, I have forgotten every athlete that has ever existed, with the only exception being Andy Murray. I suppose there is Tyler. I sort of know him. We have exchanged a few pleasantries, and he is an alright chap. I cannot say I am all that familiar with his work on the ice, but I have heard great things. @tylrsgn

most dramatic: I am entirely clutching at straws, here. I am the worst person, when it comes to paying attention to drama, so I cannot find myself choosing anybody. Sorry.

class clown: Emma Watson. She is a total goofball. We may all think she is the sort of person who would have buried her head in books in class, and not clowned around at all, but I am not so sure. It’s all just an act! I bet she was the girl passing notes around the room, doing impressions of the teacher behind their back, getting sent to detention for engaging in a humorous verbal conflict with just about anybody. I am on to you, Em. @emwatsonxx

friendliest: Douglas. There is a reason why that man seems to know just about every person on the planet. Honestly, he cannot find himself acquainted with so many people without being at least a little bit friendly. Not to mention that he is my adoptive son, so, of course, mine and Lily’s friendliness is rubbing off on him. @dougieboo

best hugs: Kendall. Honestly, I hate it when I am away from her for too long, because it makes me just want to hug her the whole time I see her next. I think that it helps she is rather tall, because when I hug her I don’t have to lean down so far - that is usually one of the cons of being so tall myself. Also, her hugs are always accompanied by her dazzling personality, which, naturally, makes the hugs that little bit better. @ikennyxo

best dressed: Troian. Every time I see her, she just looks absolutely flawless. I mean, she could probably make a bin bag look good, but thankfully she tends to opt for better looking clothes, which means she looks incredible in just about anything. And I have seen the photos of her at places like Coachella - she destroys all competition. If every outfit she wore were featured in a “who wore it better” section of a tabloid, she would always be the one wearing it better, no matter who else happened to also be trying to pull off the same look. @hqtbells​

biggest flirt: I was going to say myself, but I am going to have to go with the next best thing, which is my brother from another mother Chris. That man could probably charm the socks off of just about anybody he pleased, if he wanted to. I like to think I have been a positive influence, when it comes to that. @mightythorofasgard

best bromance: I’ve been racking my brain, trying to think of a solid bromance, and the only one I can think of is me and Benedict. Maybe it’s because he and I have known each other for well over a decade, maybe it’s the fact that we now spend most of our time making dad jokes at one another, or maybe that it’s because we have no qualms cuddling one another when our wives aren’t present. I don’t know, but whatever it might be, every other bromance needs to get on our level.

most changed: Cara. I mean, we might not talk as much as we used to, but I have been keeping tabs on her from afar. I think both of us have done a whole lot of changing in the past couple of years, for the better. If somebody had told us a year and a half ago that we would have found ourselves in such solid relationships, I think we would have laughed at them square in the face, because this never seemed to be what we did. And now we’re both happy and loved up, and that just makes me really happy, and sort of rather proud of us, to see how far we’ve come. @caradevilqueen-x 

most dateable: Scarlett. I mean, have you seen her? What a beautiful woman - both inside and out. Not only is she an unbelievably talented woman - both on screen and off - but she is charming, funny, can probably drink you under the table, and she is so sweet, too. Anybody would be very lucky to date her. And I can confirm that she has a very nice ass, because I accidentally touched it that one time. @simplyscarlett

most outspoken: I think we all can be, from time to time. Which is sometimes a really good thing! Sometimes we ought to be told what we are doing wrong,  by somebody who is not afraid to say it how it is, whether they be a friend, a lover, or an enemy.

most likely to succeed: Jenna. For as long as I have known her, I have thought the world of her, as a person and as an actor. It pleases me to no end to hear about all the projects she has been working on, and to get to see them for myself. She has so much potential and drive, which are arguably the two most important things when you are attempting to succeed at anything. I like to think I would be the first perrson to yell “I am so proud of you” when she finds herself in countless award-winning and critically-acclaimed roles, because, as an actress, I want the best for her! She is wonderful, and I cannot wait to see where her career takes her next. @the-impossible-jenna

most likely to end up in jail: Seb. Don’t ask me why, but I feel like he has a gorgeously rebellious streak running right through him. I do not know what his crime would be, but with him, you can almost guarantee it would be something where you go “woo, you go, Seb! Fight the power!” or something along those lines. @sosebastianstan

most likely to take over the world: Chris. Cap. He could totally do it. I don’t know if it is that gorgeous physique, or those captivitating eyes, but I imagine he could convince anybody to do just about anything, and that is all you really need to be able to take over the world. If he needs any pointers, Loki knows all about trying to take over the world. @capevans

most likely to become president: My darling Lucy. I am calling it now. Perhaps I ought to place a bet on it. Lucy is seemingly quiet, which appears reinforced by her small stature, but the world ought not to be fooled. I am sure she is entirely capable of being fierce as fuck, whilst still trying to make sure that everybody is doing alright, as she goes about changing the world. If I were able to vote for her as president, I would do so in a heartbeat. In fact, I would join her campaign, too. @halethegoose

most likely to win an award soon: I think we are all thinking it: Emma and Ryan. I saw La La Land, and all I want to do is watch it over and over and over again. I am so glad that it is getting the recognition that it deserves. And since it’s awards season, and the film has already done rather well, I think the likelihood is increased. @lovelyemmastone & @ryantgos

best person to bring home to your parents: Lily. I am totally biased. But I think the best person for anybody to bring home to their parents is the person that they love most. Because your parents can see it, and see how happy they make you. @lilyjamesh

[askyfullofcolour-blog]

I'm lost

It's been awhile and I think everything is catching up. I had 12 deaths last year, a breakup, lost my mental health support system, had a car accident, 3 friend break downs and absolutely lost who I was. I decided to distance myself from a whole heap of people and realised that Katie and Mylie were the only friends that I really had time for, apart from work and the ones on the Sunshine Coast and Brisbane who I would see when I go down. This year I thought would be different, my support worker business for kids with special needs was booming and so many parents wanted me to look after their kids. I couldn't keep up. I had dreams of starting an organisation and I had dreams of being someone. Someone to make a difference. That's all I wanted. January I got news another friend took his life, my client lost her battle with cancer and I started working for a very stressful client. February came, I was attacked in a dv situation at work and spiralled down hill. The attack took me back to my relationship with Mia and I couldn't remember everything that happened in the attack. I packed up the mother and 4 kids and brought them to my house. I couldn't take my uniform off, I couldn't stop being in work mode because I literally bought work home. The next week my favourite teacher died. The teacher who believed in me, gave me straight A's even if I didn't do the work, offered to help me to buy a car, learn to drive, anything I needed. One who believed in me. Between him, Gabby and Margaret I graduated. I don't know what I would have done with out him. He didn't deserve what happened. He deserves so much more, but to hear him say 'ohana' in his eulogy, I knew he was talking to me. Kim moved up from nsw and moved in with me for a few weeks before venturing off into her own place. Now she doesn't speak to me. Awfully fun. March was the funeral for Glassock, my 23rd and being fired from difficult dv client. I ended up in hospital a few times, I got really sick and lost 11kg in a matter of days. I was accused of child abuse and my name was spread to clients and future clients causing me to lose $1200 per fortnight in wages. I was given a letter of eviction from my real estate to move after I breached them for neglect. 6 days to move just wasn't fair. But between my partner at the time, great friends and great clients I did it. Still waiting for the $5000 reimbursement to come soon. Thank god. I started seeing Kris and from day dot knew it wasn't right but I so desperately needed something to keep me together because I knew death anniversaries were coming up, I refused to grieve over Glassock, Rhys or Patricia. Kris smoked a lot of pot, was unemployed, 36, emotionally unstable, was known by police and had had no care of stealing. Everything that should have deterred me but didn't. What's new? Kris was a Dom, taught me a lot about being a sub and a lot that I, looking back in now know I shouldn't have had to deal with. I swore I'd never be in another abusive relationship and I was. I swore I would never be with someone who cheated on me and I was. I did it all over again. Forgave, put up with and even helped her get her 'fix' which was something I never thought I'd do. I had to have her leave my apartment after I had her in recording that she would bash me and then rape me. I had to leave as I was scared of what would happen if I stayed. Good work cass, you can pick them. Not dealing of everything that happened in the last month I cried over her leaving and even tried getting back with her. Drove down to see her and realised I could leave and detach myself. She was still in love with her ex and I was drowning myself, let alone have someone pushing me down further. April came and I'd been with 3 new clients now for some time. We took on the contract for the pub and Katie and I soon started doing it 3 times a week. I like it. I took on a new client with a non verbal non hearing almost 3 year old and absolutely fell in love with the parents. The father works away from home, mother part time work but both an amazing sense of humour. Little one has seizures and I really wasn't ready when the first one happened. No first aid, no cpr prepares you for that. In march going into April I made a friend in Canada. I professional Dom, someone who was incredibly funny, understanding and had a degree in psychology. We talked for hours every day. Lost sleep so I could stay up and talk. Anyone who knows me knows I struggle with bpd and one thing that comes with that is I can't figure out feelings when I make a new friend. Is it just friendship or is it more than that. I've had it with every single person I get close to. We both discovered we had feelings for each other, both planned visits, had goals. Crystal was another image of me who understood and loved everything I did. Too good to be true? Correct. Yep found out yesterday she's engaged to be married to someone she told me she had ended things with a while before. Who did she blame? Me. I didn't understand, I don't listen, I don't care. Yep no worries mate. I've been the other woman before and I won't do that. Middle of April I decided to message Jane and call off my law suit. I decided that I was hurting too much and that law suit was causing a lot of that pain. I needed to let that go and explain that the memories I had were great and I couldn't continue. I received a message I in a million years didn't expect. 2 days after I was booked into see my psychologist, I hadn't seen her in 2 years, I had so many things that I needed to see her about. Medical, deaths, personal. I saw my doctor, had 4 needles, blood tests, booked for ct, ultra sounds, biopsies and was referred to a neurologist and neurosurgeon and booked in to see a specialist to talk about options for a hysterectomy. I drove down to my psychologist mentally preparing myself, I hadn't slept the night before and I was exhausted. Kris was begging me to stay and that day just was shit. I walked into my psychologists office and had a frog in my throat. I wanted to run, I needed this though. I told the receptionist that I was here to see Jen. To which she replied 'I'm so sorry, she's sick today' 3.5 hours driving down to see her, making sure I had the $180 to see her. She wasn't available. I didn't think. I got in my car with tears streaming down my face. I drove to pc. 8% on my phone, that didn't matter. I climbed over the fence and sat on the edge. The edge of the cliff face hoping the wind would be enough to make me fall. My legs were jelly and wouldn't move. I sat there with my eyes closed just hearing the waves crash against the rocks below. I so wanted to be off that ledge, I wanted to go home. I don't know how I got off that ledge. I don't know how I got back in my car. I don't know how I got back in my apartment. Because I so badly wanted to be in the arms of everyone who had left. I had rebooked my doctors, psychologist and specialist appointment and I just needed to get through until then. May came around. I hate this month, everything about it. 19th was Daniels anniversary, 20th would have been a year for Mia and I being together, 26th is peters anniversary, 30th is Kendall's birthday. Then going into June 6th is 12 months since Maddie died, 7th is mums bitthday, 9th nanas, 11th, 2.5 years since hope died and 13th kirsti's birthday. So many important dates and so much I just don't wanna deal with. I managed to fracture my coccyx with no idea how. My work slipped and I just wasn't able to bring in as much as I need to. Mother's Day I came down with the death flu that with my period the worst it's ever been, nerve pain and a fractured coccyx was the worst timing. I'm still sick. I continued to work through but I was always exhausted but lucky I had understanding clients and pushed through. I'm lost. I don't understand death, I don't understand how I thought finding my family would mean my whole life would change, I thought that I would fix everything. I know that I have to see my psychologist and grasp this but I'm lost. I literally sat crying on Daniels anniversary saying to Katie I only want to talk to Jane. Crystal spat chips. It's not because I'm In love with Jane but she went through a lot with me. Her and Kyron understood how my brain worked. I'm sick of the nightmares, the flashbacks, the pain. I never thought I'd self harm as hard as I have again. Burning my legs with acid, pouring acid on cuts. They're not deep but enough to hurt when acid is poured on an open wound. When did this all go so wrong?. When did this get this bad? I need to get back on top of things. Really really need to get back. Otherwise I will end up dead and I haven't made up my mind of if that's what I want. Hoping I can get some sleep with no nightmares with trunks. I'm out.