#shark norris attack!

[olath124]

V: "Stop putting the fucking shark in the pool!"

K: "Never!"

[7itch0zero]

[ratleyland]

I've always said Chuck Norris was a dangerous man!

[grogwrites]

The Sound of Sunshine - L.N. 4

Part One • Navigation

Summary: Lando vacations in Hawaii for the first time over the winter break, where he meets a carefree surfer who turns his world upside down

Pairing: Lando Norris x Female OC

CW: alcohol consumption and some swearing

A/N: yayyyy it’s here! Idk how many parts this will have so we’re all just here for the ride heheh. As usual, I do not utilize YN, so OC is a named character xx 🌞 this series DOES have a playlist I put together—it is linked below 💛 Divider is by @enchanthings-a

Word Count: 2.2k

* DISCLAIMER: I do not know any of the people in this fanfiction personally, these are all just the works of my imagination.

Lando’s POV

He was probably on his fourth piña colada as he drunkenly sprawled out on the beach once more. Fresh off the Constructor’s Championship win, and Lando felt phenomenal. Taking a solo trip had been on his bucket list for a while, so he figured there was no better time to take it than after securing the historical title for McLaren. After all, he deserved it.

The familiar taste of pineapple and coconut burned down his throat blissfully. His sunglass hung low on his nose, as he enjoyed the relatively quiet beach. Hawaii had been wonderfully welcoming for his first two days—the girls on the beach were definitely a contributing factor. His eyes grazed through every bikini-clad body in the vicinity until his eyes landed on her. He sat up a bit straighter, even going as far as to take off his sunglasses to get a better view. He had to be sure he was seeing things correctly, because she was gorgeous.

Her dirty blonde hair was braided back into a ponytail, with a few colorful beads woven into some strands of the hair. Her skin was lightly tanned, and she stood next to a light blue surfboard that was painted with various little drawings and illustrations. Each drawing was a bit eccentric. There were some two-headed giraffes, some weird blob things, fruit with eyes…weirdly enough, Lando found the art style creative (despite how utterly trippy it was). She wore a blue surf suit that correlated with her board. Her hands were on her hips as she stared out to the ocean, seemingly lost in thought.

Maybe it was in the way she held herself, or perhaps it was the over abundance of rum circulating through his system, but she radiated sunshine. If the color yellow was personified, it would be the mystery girl that Lando was admiring from afar. He watched as she picked up the board, then treaded into the water. She moved with such precision and grace, it was almost like a dance. Each step, each little movement, was calculated and thoughtful. He brought his knees upwards, then leaned against them, watching as she sat on the board.

Lando didn’t know anything about surfing. He saw the movie Soul Surfer once and it was basically enough to deter him for good. Shark attacks? No thanks. But as a large wave came her way, he watched as she fearlessly stood on her board. It was fascinating to watch in person, as she effortlessly rode the wave with no issues in the slightest. Lando didn’t even realize his drink was gone again until he was met with the horrible bits of pineapple at the bottom of the glass. He grimaced at the texture as he set it beside him. He watched the girl swim back to shore with her board, before she started cheering, and running over to her friends.

Lando didn’t even notice she was here with other people, though his head was so foggy from the alcohol that he didn’t think he’d notice anybody else on the beach if they weren’t her. Despite the overwhelming tunnel vision he had from the rum, she was still brighter than the sun in his eyes. He wanted to go talk to her—he desperately wanted to; but he knew that if he were to go over there in his current state, it wouldn’t end well. He couldn’t talk to someone as beautiful as her while he was this far gone. It’d be way too hard of a hit on his ego; it’s not a risk he’s willing to take.

Then, she looked over at him.

Lando’s whole world seemingly stopped. The small action could’ve sobered him up instantaneously; it was like a bolt of lightning straight through his heart. Then, she smiled. Maybe it was the fact that he was drunk and dehydrated, but he decided to write his sudden dizziness up to love at first sight…but then again, he’d always been a hopeless romantic when he’s wasted. And right now? He was definitely wasted. As he drabbled himself through a lecture on drinking too much, he hoisted himself to his feet. He grabbed his towel off of the sand, then shook it out.

“You, uh, look like you had too much fun.”

Lando turned, and thought for a moment he was going to throw up. Part from the rum, and part from the fact that she was right next to him now. She folded her arms across her chest, with a playful smirk on her lips.

“Huh?” He choked out as his face immediately flushed in embarrassment. He watched as she bent over, picking up his empty glass from the sand. She brought it up to her nose, sniffing it lightly.

“Piña colada?” She laughed in amusement, meeting his gaze again. “You know, rum just makes me puke.”

“I, uh—“

“Did you forget words today, pretty boy?” She teased, with her tone light like a song. Lando was utterly hypnotized. Every slight movement she made, every word that fell from her lips—she was like a drug. He soaked in her presence like it was something he couldn’t live without. She extended her hand towards him confidently. “I’m Kailani, but everyone just calls me Kiki.”

“Lando,” was all he blurted as he took her hand in his. He probably held his breath for the entirety of their brief handshake, until he dropped it once more. “Sorry, I just, um, can’t think straight right now. That was my fourth one.” Kiki’s eyes widened as she looked at the empty glass, then back to him.

“Holy shit, Romeo,” her voice was laced with amusement. Lando was surprised at the sudden vulgarity in her speech. “I can barely get past two. You must have a high tolerance for alcohol.”

“I mean, I party a lot,” Lando drunkly shrugged. “Plus I sometimes get sprayed with champagne at work—if I win, anyways.”

“Is that, like, a sexual thing?” She narrowed her eyes at him. “Who the hell gets champagne at work? What are you even winning?” His face was beet red almost instantly.

“Holy shit,” he buried his face in his hands. This was going horribly for him. “No, fuck. Sorry. I’m a Formula 1 driver? You know, the champagne celebrations on the podiums?” He looked back at her, but her expression was blank—like his explanation went right over her head.

“I’ll pretend like I know what that means,” she finally said, punctuating her sentence with a wink. “Soooo, you’re clearly not from Hawaii, given the accent.”

“Bristol,” Lando clarified, though the word barely came out in any sort of understandable fashion. “I was born in Bristol.” Kiki smiled.

“Hmm,” she hummed before holding out her arm. “You can barely stand up straight. Let me help you get back to wherever you’re staying.”

While Lando had enough shots at his dignity today, he definitely wasn’t about to pass up the opportunity to put his arms around her—he’d be fucking stupid if he were to reject that offer. After all, she was the one who suggested it. It’d be rude to decline, truly. He gave her a lopsided smile before swinging his arm around her shoulders. She smelled like coconut sunscreen, which, just then, became Lando’s new favorite smell.

“You’re pretty,” he found himself slurring before any ounce of sober Lando could try to stop him. Kiki just laughed as they made their way along the beach, towards her surfboard. Her friends had seemingly disappeared, leaving it at just the two of them.

“You’re not too bad yourself,” she stated. “Maybe when you’re sober again, we can grab a drink—non-alcoholic, of course. You’re cut off.” Lando raised his eyebrows, then looked down at her.

“Does that mean I get your number?” He asked, trying not to sound too giddy (and failing miserably). Kiki just smiled, but remained quiet. Lando groaned at her teasing, then looked ahead once more.

“Let’s see how long I last with drunk you first, Romeo,” she commented. Her arm left his back far sooner than he would’ve liked, sending an ache through his chest. His arm dropped down to his side as she picked the board up. “Where are you staying?” She faced him again, but Lando could barely process his thoughts. He was never a big fan of brown eyes, but perhaps brown could be his new favorite color, too—he was discovering an abundance of new favorites today, with her.

“The resort down the block,” he finally responded. Kiki whistled.

“That’s pricey,” she wiggled her eyebrows at him as she wrapped her arm around him once more. “Romeo’s got money.”

“I’m a celebrity, you know,” Lando bragged, though it wasn’t much to be impressed by in his drunken state of mind. “I can’t believe you don’t know what Formula 1 is.”

“I don’t have a TV,” Kiki explained simply as they began walking again towards the parking lot. Lando’s eyes narrowed. No TV? He guessed it wasn’t completely unheard of, but still, odd nonetheless.

“You could look me up on Instagram,” he proudly suggested. “I’ve got nine million followers.” Kiki stopped in front of an old, beaten up pickup truck. It was a horrible teal color with rust along the tire rims, and chipped paint on the doors. Lando looked down at her. “There’s no way this thing runs.” She tossed her surfboard in the bed of the truck before unlocking the passenger side door.

“Oh, she runs,” Kiki met Lando’s gaze with a mischievous smirk. She studied him intently, with her eyes grazing his body from head to toe. Lando cleared his throat as she opened his door. “And I don’t have a smartphone. So that cancels out your Instagram proof, Romeo.” Lando tentatively climbed into the truck as she shut the door behind him. No TV, no smartphone…what did she do for fun? Lando couldn’t really comprehend why someone would willingly go without those in their life—how did she keep up to date with anything?

“How do you call people?” He asked as she climbed into the drivers seat. The truck barely sputtered on as she put her keys in the ignition. She laughed before backing out of her parking spot.

“I have a phone,” she clarified, “just…not a smartphone.” He watched as Kiki reached down—rolling down her window with a small lever on her door. Despite his speechlessness at how off the grid she seemed to live, Lando couldn’t help but feel a smile tug at the corners of his lips. It was refreshing, in a way.

“I couldn’t last twenty four hours without mine,” he admitted with a drunken laugh. “I’ve got people calling me constantly. Whether it’s about work or media appearances…it’s exhausting.” Kiki laughed along with him as she stuck her free arm out of the window while she drove. She leaned her head back against the seat, sighing.

“God, I couldn’t imagine,” she stated. Lando rolled down his window, then watched as they drove down the streets of Honolulu. “The only time work calls me is if the school is closed for inclement weather.”

“School?” He repeated. “You work at a school?”

“Elementary music,” she clarified. “We’re working on our Christmas program right now.”

The truck began to slow as she entered the parking lot of the resort. It was about as busy as it was when Lando first left it over five hours ago. He subconsciously let out a long sigh, dreading going inside. While taking a solo trip was nice, there were too many people at the hotel who seemed to recognize him. Plus, getting out meant leaving Kiki—he didn’t exactly want to do that just yet. He turned his head to find her already staring at him, which prompted another crooked grin from him.

“A music teacher,” he cooed. “A surfer and a music teacher? Weirdly fitting.”

“Do you need help getting inside?” Kiki questioned as she shifted the vehicle into ‘park’. Lando lazily shook his head.

“Nah, they’ll spread rumors,” he murmured disappointedly. “I can see the article now: Lando Norris spotted with an absolute babe—“

“Oh god,” she laughed. She pushed a few loose strands of her damp hair behind her ears. “Then I guess I better give you my number so I know when you make it to your room safely.” Lando eagerly grabbed his phone from the pocket of his swim trunks.

“Well, of course,” he agreed while passing her the device. “For safety purposes.” Kiki took it from him, with her fingers gently brushing against the back of his hand. He stared dreamily towards her, watching as she added in her contact information. When she passed it back to him, Lando felt like a kid on Christmas.

“I cross my heart that I will let you know when I’m in my room,” he said as he put his phone back in his pocket. He opened the door, then hopped out of the truck.

“Oh,” she clicked her tongue in disapproval, “sorry. I only deal in pinky promises.” She held her pinky out to him. Lando rolled his eyes, but accepted the gesture anyways.

“I pinky promise, then,” he hummed. “Drive safe, Juliet.”

* None of my writing is available for reposting on other platforms. Reblogs, likes, and comments are appreciated.

©️ grogwrites, 2024

Taglist:

@lilaissa @cabbyhabs @gogeroni @fat-meh @xivilivix @henna006

[adventuringblind]

Unfair Of You to Leave Me Behind

Oscar Piastri x Reader

Genre: Angst

Summary: Oscar's world comes crashing down on him in Vegas.

Warnings: Graphic injury descriptions, lashing out in anger, car crash, Lando's 2023 Vegas crash, grief, panic attacks, blood, pregnancy mentions, miscarriage, death

Notes: I'm back to make you cry again. Me and the requester who shall not be named were cackling while coming up with this idea.

Masterlist // Request Form // My Website // buy me a Ko-Fi

She kisses Oscar when they first wake up. The only way he ever wants to wake up is with her in his arms. Despite the fact that it's the afternoon Vegas sun shining through the window, he could care less.

She's racing today in place of Carlos, and he couldn't be prouder of her. He's devastated that Carlos got injured from that stupid grate, but his girl is driving a Ferrari. He's pretty sure the Spainard will understand.

Oscar laughs softly to himself, recalling the memory or how their 'rivalry' started.

~~~~~

"Carlos! Wait up!"

The Spainard slows his pace and waits for Oscar to catch up. "Hey man, it's not your fault, I didn't give you anywhere to go."

"I'm sorry too, didn't mean to be so... I don't know..."

"Seriously, mate, we all make mistakes on track." Carlos claps him on the back and gives him a reassuring smile. "Was that all? I, unfortunately, have to go he eaten by the media sharks."

Oscar laughs at the comparison. "Actually, I had an idea."

"Oh? Do tell?"

"I thought it might be fun to cause some chaos."

The two males find themselves huddled over Carlos' phone, crafting a petty tweet that will definitely get people's attention.

Thus was the start of their 'rivalry'.

She'd laughed so hard with Lando when they found out. The utter ridiculousness of Oscar being any kind of petty had them in tears.

"Oscar, if you weren't dating my sister for so long, I might believe you."

"Might?! I'm petty when I want to be!" He huffs and crosses his arms.

"Petty? My love, you are the king of unbothered. This thing with Carlos is cute, though!" He pouts in disappointment but quickly forgets about it when her lips meet his. "I wouldn't have you any other way."

~~~~~

Oscar spends his morning (afternoon) complaining about the diet Kim has him on. It's completely unfair. They both sneak a cookie anyway. Giggling as they get away with their crime.

He walks her to the Ferrari garage and drops her off with Charles. He doesn't want to let go; the goodbye kiss is longer than neccecary, and Charles makes a fake gagging sound.

"Shut up, Charlie. Like you don't make out with Max." She waves off Charles indecent noises.

"I'd rather not watch baby Norris get it on. Not when I have to face Lando sooner or later."

Oscar shrugs. "What a way to celebrate his birthday, no?"

"We'd be having a funeral for him if that ever happens." Charles watches them with fondness, leaving each other's embrace for the last time.

Lando teases up until they are forced to separate and head to the grid. A plethora of jokes about Oscar with his sister in Vegas are had. To the point where Oscar manages approximately one indecent joke and Lando shuts up.

"That's my sister, mate."

"And she's my wife, your point?"

~~~~~

Oscar stands nervously at the edge of the water. Daniel and Max keep reassuring him it'll be fine. However, he wouldn't put it past those two to push each other into the water while officiating.

Logan stands beside him. He smiles happily and nods to where she is walking down the beach.

Oscar may be unfazed by most things, but he is only so strong. She looks ethereal walking down the Australian beach in white, flowers decorating her hair.

Lando is the one walking her down the aisle on her request. Both her sisters trail behind her.

It's just their immediate family and a few close friends. It's intimate and small, just the way they wanted it.

Daniel does end up pushing Max into the water. Oscar is to wrapped up in his new bride to notice, let alone care.

His entire world came together that day. Oscar could lose everything but still have her and live the rest of his life a perfectly content man.

~~~~~

The faster her drives, the sooner he can get of this car and go check on Lando. The crash looked awful; like the car just slipped out from underneath him. It's making him more nervous than he would like.

His lover can't be fairing much better, that's her brother. The last thing she needs right now is to be distracted. Which he most definitely is not.

Oscar drives because he can't wait to see her after, to tell her how proud he is. Maybe he'll worship her tonight if she'll let him. If she isn't too exhausted-

The world moves in slow motion. She was ahead of him after his last pit stop. She was running in sixth, he's seventh but they both are lapping cars at this point.

The red Ferrari and the blue of the Williams collide. Oscar is barely able to dodge the debrief flying everywhere.

For a brief second, her car is over his. He wants to reach out to her; grab her and tell her it'll be okay.

Then she's gone.

Oscar hears his engineer talking to him, but he only has one thing on his mind. He stops the car, pulls of the belts off and bolts in her direction. Except it's worse than he imagined. The sight we he turns around is brutal.

The Ferrari is in pieces. The entire front is wrapped around the pieces of wire barrier it took out. The fence is decimated and the car itself is smoking.

Oscar puts himself to work. He can see her, clearly unresponsive. The marshals are talking to him. It's fuzzy, but he knows they are helping.

He tries to pull her out and has to choke back his tears while doing so. Metal rebar from the car sticks into her through her abdomen. Her head lolls to the side like it's been snapped.

Oscar pulls her helmet off instead. He makes eye contact, and shatter. She's trying to talk to him, but it's incomprehensible.

His body is half in the cockpit with her as they cut the car away. He's not being useful now, but they have to understand. This is his entire world bleeding out for everyone to see.

He cups her face tentatively, as gently as he can manage. "Please love, stay with me - please - you did so well, come on love - open your pretty eyes for me." He chokes on broken sobs. He rips his gloves off, longing for the feel of skin of skin. Forehead pressed against hers, he will her to stay awake.

The marshals try to pull her away, but he knows as soon as they do, she's going to start bleeding worse. He screams at them defensively, not sure why, he just needs everyone to leave them alone.

Logan is the one to pull him off with the help of a few others. Oscar whips around out of Logan's grip. "This is your fault!" He regrets the words when they leave his mouth. Logan looks sick, pale and clammy.

~~~~~

Logan sits next to Oscar after filming another video for Prema. He's never been the biggest fan of media, but Logan makes it more fun.

"You gonna ask her out today? Like I suggested a month ago?" Logan wiggles his eyebrows playfully.

Oscar shrugs. He'd been working up the nerve to ask her, but knowing who she's related to scares him a tad. She's out of his league by miles. "Not sure yet."

"Well, she's coming over here right now."

Oscar looks her way and has to fight the urge to cringe when they make eye contact. She is beaming at him. "Hello Oscar and Logan!"

"Hey! You got any plans for tonight?" Oscar reels when Logan sounds like he's going to ask instead. He'll say something like 'You snooze you lose, Piastri' after this encounter is over.

"Not that I know of."

"Great, Oscar doesn't either, He'll meet you tonight at six!"

"Will he be the one talking?"

Logan looks at Oscar and sighs when there is no response. "Hopefully."

"Okay then, I'll see you tonight, Oscar."

He does spin himself after she leaves and shoves Logan's shoulder. He mumbles some kind of thanks before crossing his arms and pouting like a child.

"Bet you she's the one."

And at the time, Oscar had laughed like it was a joke.

~~~~~

He only stops his seething at the distressed American when somebody pulls him away. He wants to push them off and run. He'll sprint to the hospital if he has too-

"Oscar, we're gonna get you there, okay?" Max and Daniel are escorting him off the track. They make no mention of the fact Oscar is converd in her blood.

Andrea tells him he can leave. Kim throws extra clothes at him and his phone. He can't look at it right now. The thought of dealing with any kind of media has him gagging as Max peels out of the parking lot.

He blocks out the drive. He tunes out the voices of Max and Daniel, trying to calm him. He'll be calm when he gets to her. Not a second before.

Oscar fights his way to her room. Determined to see physical evidence that she's okay.

Only, she's not moving.

The door to her room is wide open. Lando is sat curled next to Jon with his own medical equipment attached. His teammate is sobbing into his trainers chest, clutching his sisters limp hand.

Oscar takes tedious steps in. She looks so peaceful, entirely undisturbed. His knuckles run across the cold flesh of her cheek.

A doctor comes in, but he doesn't pay any attention. Not until the confirmation finds its way to his ears.

"I'm sorry for your loss. Both of your losses."

Oscar turns his attention to the doctor. "What do you mean both?" He snaps.

The kind looking woman looks disheartened. It makes Oscar's chest crack further. "She was pregnant. I'm so sorry."

~~~~~

"Osc, seriously, I'm not too worried about it." She wraps her arms around him from behind.

Oscar spins her around so he can see her eyes and peck her lips. "You could be pregnant."

"Or - hear me out - I could be stressed." She cups his face and stares at him with adoration. "I want to have a baby with you - I just - I don't want to get my hopes up, you know?"

"Whatever happens, we're in it together. Baby or stress, we'll figure it out."

She pulls him back to bed despite it almost being the afternoon. "If it's a girl, we should name her after one of our mums."

"And a boy?"

"Jack, after his daddy, the greatest man I've ever met."

~~~~~

Oscar collapses.

He shatters.

He screams until his lungs give out.

He holds her one last time.

He whispers his praise.

Then he watches her leave, taking everything with her.

His world is gone.

The funeral comes around far too fast. The last name on the grave includes his, the hyphenated one. It was her idea to conjoin the two. He wanted to match.

Charles had been around to tell him what actually happened. Both him and Carlos are devestated. The Spainard believes it should've been him.

The sketchy patch jobs over the grates had been quick. Carlos had been the first victim. Oscar's wife had been the second.

The grate hit the underside of the car and knocked it off the racing line. Right after she passed Logan. The American just happened to be close enough that it looked like they collided. He'd just been an innocent bystander in a brutal accident.

The FIA and Ferrari are pinning it on her. The statements made, despite the footage and data, are claiming it a driver error. It makes Oscar sick.

Oscar refuses to go anywhere near a track until the FIA own up to their actions. So does Lando, Max, Charles, Daniel, and Carlos.

They get everyone to take a stand. Soon enough, there are no drivers to put on a show.

The FIA has nothing. They took everything away from Oscar, so he did it right back.

~~~~~

A year goes by too quickly. He feels like it was yesterday that she was kissing him goodluck. Now she's a Ferrari reserve, getting ready to test the car.

He's fretting over her like a mother hen, but he can't help it! He might actually cry prideful tears over how proud he is of her.

He always kisses her in case it's the last time.

~~~~~

Oscar kneels over her grave. Logan sits beside him, arranging flowers in the shape of a heart.

The Aussie had cried his apologies to his best friend as soon as he found out what happened.

He's been winning races left and right for a few years now. Lando and him have dominated. He's not got a title yet, but Lando does. Her brother has dedicated it to her. They are both winning for her. He wishes she was here to see it.

"You were right Lo, she was the one."

[v4porwaveee]

I forgot to post that I drew Needles! You can't tell, I haven't made the HC doodles comprehensive yet, but hisbneedles hide under his skin and eject when needed, like those spike traps but millions of needles!

I'm gonna put all my HCs below the cut just to spare yall

He's def a natural redhead to me, but bleached it a lot before becoming an avatar

Technically, this would only be his human disguise thing. Full eldritch is reserved for attacking ppl and defense, which is rarer than attacking people, and in that form he's all lanky with all his needles out all the time like a fucked up longhorse and pincushion had a baby and it got possessed

He just has no sense of pain most of the time, at least related to intrinsic issues. Getting stabbed or shot hurts, but when his bones constantly break as Eldritch Needles or when his limbs fall off (like Sally from Nightmare Before Christmas) he doesn't feel all the pain, just a tinge or a pinch

Can remove his needles from his skin, but their 'slot' stays open until he puts them back or replaces them (like shark teeth, he grows them but can also swap them out for found ones) and he uses that to sew himself back together as needed

Lots of piercings, most home-done. Really only his lobe and one of three cartilage rings is professional, he did the rest as an angsty teen for fun

Was turned as a late teen/in his early twenties, and therefore his disguise stays looking that age because that's the only way he really remembers who he is and what he looked like. Eldritch Needles is just a fucked up skinsuit really, a puppet for what he needs to do, and Needles himself can't remember or guess what he would look like by now (bones, probably, with his luck, but he was taken as an avatar/eldritch in the 90s/early 2000s so realistically only around 40-50 or so)

Got in a ton of accidents as a kid, always was and always is banged up somehow

Flashes his needles and puffs up on instinct when things piss him off, has to stop himself from doing it around people

A gifted kid for the institute who ended up being neglected outside of schoolwork and what he could do (projection?)

Glitters in the sunlight even with the needles put away. Its just bcs he's got so much metal in him and the sunlight catches the slots weird enough to glint briefly

The jacket reacts the same way his hair and needles do, like an external organ, but it's only due to it being part of his avatar influence shit and its not actually a part of him. It goes dormant when removed or unwanted

Like a hedgehog hair-wise, it's harmless and like regular hair until it's Needle Time (TM)

Easily offended/angered, as seen in the 911 call, and likes to fuck with people. I'd guess older sibling if he had any, but the kind where you matured too fast and then slowed your roll so late you were the immature one (projecting)

Likes to be colorful but in a dull way. Washed out colors just suit him better in his opinion and let him express himself without drawing attention to himself and the fact he's not quite human anymore

Gap teeth <3 Wanted to get braces as a teen but didn't, still pissed about it because now he can't and it doesn't matter since hes not human anymore anyways. slowly learning to like the gap when his angel fangs don't get stuck in em

Didn't draw it but he has snake bites too, just rarely wears them. It's either angel fangs or snake bites but never both because they tend to snag for him

A parallel of both Nikola and Michael, kind of. He's got little bits that Norris, Chester and Augustus would recognize if they ever met him, like his speech pattern and penchant for never giving straight answers, but he's got his own thing going on more than the parallels ever could be.

Rip off Cheshire Cat. Alice in Wonderland, the animated one, was his favorite movie growing up for the colors, and when he got older for the story

[chaifootsteps]

...nevermind! I have another thing to say and ask.

I just literally searched your username in Tumblr and I got to see a lot of posts accusing you of a variety of things, things like:

being a lolicon / shotacon (steming from you pointing out in a post that fictional children shouldn't be reported and the accuser said that's part of the problem and you're encouraging pedophilia)

being a zoopedo (because of the toothless and hiccup pairing, of course, also managing to see that they've defended and remarked that the "SoftFurArchive" / Norry / idk was trying to warn all of that)

being an armchair psychologist and ableist (because you and an Anon diagnosed Viv with narcissism in a ask)

being a proshipper (an amalgamation of posts, but most focused on the fact of the Toothless x Hiccup ship)

being a KiwiFarms apologist (because of posts about you talking about KiwiFarms and sometimes praising some of the users' comments there)

being a gatekeeper over what's trans (from you saying what a trans should or should not be in a post)

Please, Chai, ease my mind by clarifying if any of this is true or false, or it's just a byproduct of gullible people falling over supposed evidence, or just proshipper puritans attacking you because they don't like you.

— Instagram!Stolas Anon, concerned.

Let's break this down point by point

No, I don't like loli or shota, but I've got a couple of ships that are weird and personal and require convoluted explanations, so I try to extend the same benefit of the doubt to other people.

No, I'm not a pedophile. I'm a CSA survivor, which is why I'm incredibly concerned about things like alarm fatigue. I think certain terms need to be limited to things involving real children and then we can argue about Naruto ships all day.

No, I'm not a zoophile, I like monsters and dragons and generic furry stuff. The term for the former is teratophila. I've been accused of murdering my pets and sent links to actual animal abuse over this.

I don't call myself a proshipper anymore because I'm not playing the "Ah-ha, I think it means X and you said you're that, so you believe what I think you believe" game. I judge people as they come and whether you call yourself proshipper or anti, you're welcome here as long as you can behave.

I've said before that I shouldn't have indulged that ask, but I didn't say that Viv definitely has NPD, I said that if you dangled me over a shark tank and forced me to throw out an armchair diagnosis, it's one I've wondered about. I hope she doesn't, because it's a misunderstood disorder and an extremely sad one. To quote someone who's got it, Nothing's ever OK. You're either too high on yourself for outperforming everyone else, or too harsh on yourself for not being good enough for your own standards.

I'm fascinated by old internet forums and Kiwi Farms is a place that interests me more than any other. It's swaddled in a mixture of misinformation and being exactly as bad as everyone says, but in an increasingly corporate owned, regulated, KOSA-just-passed-the-Senate internet, there are days I'm profoundly grateful that Null's as stubborn as he is.

I'm trans. I genuinely have no idea where this "gatekeeping" thing is coming from.

Let me be very clear. The FBI and NCMEC have literally begged people to stop reporting fictional characters, because fighting pedophiles is like fighting a million headed Hydra. So it burns me when people say things like this.

If you think it's acceptable to do something child protection agencies have again, begged people to stop doing because it gives you a good feeling to do it and you think that trumps the well-being of real missing and exploited children, you are dangerously detached from reality and not welcome on my blog.

TL;DR: All false.

[news-mashable-yahoopartner-blog]

Dog movies of the '90s, ranked

Forget Shark Week, it’s Bark Week on Mashable. Join us as we celebrate all the good dogs, which we humans do not deserve.

The '90s gave us many great things, but we really don’t give the era enough credit for blessing us with vast array of entertaining dog movies.

Before Instagram-famous pups ruled the world, it was the dogs of Hollywood that stole our hearts.  These films were everywhere — they ruled theaters, TV, and VHS collections throughout the decade. Every pup — from the ones that were really, really good at sports to the ones that got lost while trying to find their way home — shined on screen. 

Each has a special place in the canon of canine films, but some were definitely better than others. Here’s your unofficial ranking of the top 10 dog movies films from the '90s.

SEE ALSO: The best dog accounts on Instagram to get your fluff fix

10. Top Dog (1995)

A Chuck Norris joint in last place on this list? Sorry, but Top Dog is just...meh. In the 1995 film, Norris is partnered with police dog Reno, and the two soon find themselves trying to thwart the terrorist attacks of white supremacists and other hate groups. The film was released the same week as the terrorist attack in Oklahoma City, so all in all, it definitely wasn’t a fun comedy for the whole family! On top of that, it is filled with every cliche imaginable. Hard pass. 

9. Balto (1995)

Balto, on the other hand, is a gem of a film. Our part-wolf, part dog is the unlikely hero after a sled team gets lost in the middle of their journey to retrieve medicine for a dying child. It’s a touching story about turning weaknesses into strengths and overcoming what people think about you. Balto is an underdog in the truest sense. So if you find joy in watching one triumph, then this is some animated dog content for you. 

8. Lassie (1994)

Okay, there’s nothing wrong with Lassie. It did even score an 88% on Rotten Tomatoes. But the story of an unbreakable bond between a young boy and his dog in the Great Depression wasn’t totally my cup of tea. Though even I must admit, it is heartbreaking when someone evil tries to destroy your family’s livelihood by kidnapping your dog. For young kids, it’s probably a treat. But for me, it did not stand the test of time. 

7. Shiloh (1996)

A lot of dog movies are really sad, so if you don’t like that, then don’t watch Shiloh. The 1996 film is based on the book by Phyllis Reynolds Naylor, which shattered my 5th grade heart into so many pieces that I’m still triggered when I see beagles. Shilo is a pup who's abused by his owner Judd. He runs away from his horrible environment and ultimately takes shelter with Marty, a young boy, and *drumroll please* they bond and that bond can never be broken. 

6. Zeus and Roxanne (1997)

The only thing better than a bond between dog and human? The bond between dog and dolphin. Zeus and Roxanne is a refreshing film that avoids cliches. If you’re craving “interspecies communication," this is your movie. In Zeus and Roxanne, Zeus the dog helps a marine biologist conduct research on Roxanne, a dolphin. There's a kidnapping (a common dog movie trope) and a burgeoning love story between two humans — what more could you want? 

5. 101 Dalmatians (1996)

Sure, the stars of this movie are supposed to be the actual pups, but Glenn Close really steals the show. Everything that happens in the original happens here. So in that regard it gets zero points for originality. But Close plays such a phenomenally evil Cruella de Vil that it deserves a spot right in the middle.

4. Homeward Bound: The Incredible Journey (1993)

In Homeward Bound, Chance, Sassy, and Shadow are all eager to get home. So eager that they embark on an unforgettable journey through the wilderness despite the unfavorable odds. It's a beautiful movie (it was filmed in Oregon, after all) with some great voiceovers and involves almost no humans throughout, which is *chef's kiss*. Plus, you have two very different dogs to fall in love with — a golden retriever and an American bulldog! So many options!

3. Beethoven (1992)

If a dog that knows how to “sing” along to Beethoven doesn’t warm your heart, what will? The 1992 classic is a trip in terms of dog movies. The beloved Saint Bernard comes into the lives of the Newton family and makes himself right at home.  But pretty soon, there are lying doctors, animal abuse charges, fake euthanization, and more thrown into the mix. Beethoven isn’t for the faint of heart, but the ending makes it all worth it. 

2. Air Bud (1997)

There are most definitely no rules that say a dog can’t play basketball, and Air Bud proves just that. This nearly perfect film is probably what pops into your mind when you first think of dog movies from the 90s, because, well, it is flawless. When Josh discovers that Buddy, the stray golden retriever he took in, can play basketball, a whole new world opens up for the both of them. But just as Buddy and Josh blossom in their new environments, the doggo’s original owner wants his star basketball dog back. Air Bud is chock full of action, emotions, and sports — plus the sheer amount of spinoffs (there are at least 12) prove that will always be a mainstay in the hearts of dog movie lovers everywhere.

  1. A Goofy Movie (1995)

Despite the fact that the canines in this masterpiece walk on two legs like humans, this most definitely is a dog movie. Don't @ me. Goofy forces his high-school-aged son Max to go on a fishing trip to kick off summer and strengthen their bond. Max is determined to impress his crush, but because of the impromptu trip, is forced to lie about why he can't take her out. Meanwhile Goofy, determined to do right by his son, takes them on an adventure. There's love. There's family. There's a soundtrack. It stands up to the test of time and is perfect for teens, tweens, and parents alike. What's not to love?

Of course great dog movies didn't stop when the decade ended. So if these films aren't enough, I suggest watching the later films My Dog Skip, Eight Below, Where the Red Fern Grows, and of course, Marley and Me. 

May these, and many more, inspire a new wave of heartbreaking and hilarious dog movies for generations to come!

WATCH: We tested this dog's DNA and were surprised about more than just her ancestors

[stevenstamkos]

big victor cuddling his soft boyf kuch and consoling him bc he thinks it's his fault the boys lost because he missed that shot of the crossbar. they both are trying so hard to drag the team to the playoffs but they have to unwind and just snuggle and have to remind each other that theres a lot of things are getting in the way of their chances and that the team wouldn't be this close at all if it weren't for them. basically just two sad boys hugging and kissing away each other's sadness

Notes: takes place after Tuesday’s game against Boston

“Are you angry?” Victor asks lowly. Nikita is sullen and quiet, the way he is after every loss, and his fingers are restless as ever, as the tiny pieces of paper littering their bed can attest to.

“Not mad.”

“You sure?”

Nikita’s frown deepens, and he continues shredding the piece of notepaper in his hands. Victor reaches across the bed and takes it away, and Nikita’s hands hang in the air for a moment, poised and elegant and strong, before he lets them drop to the covers pooling in his lap.

“Little mad.”

And Victor can understand that. The whole room was angry and hurting after the loss, a must-win against a team they were battling for a playoff spot. Now that spot is taken by that very team, and there is one less spot for the boys to battle for. More pressure on their broken, ragtag team of AHL callups and leftover vets.

He pulls Nikita to him, lets him rest his head against his shoulder. “Don’t be mad at yourself,” he pleads. Knowing Nikita, that’s exactly what he’s doing.

“Should have scored tonight. That’s my job, score goals when the big moment came - come.”

“You did well. You played your heart out.”

Nikita’s voice is gruff and slightly muffled against Victor’s shirt. “Hit the crossbar.”

“They should have reviewed that. But it’s over now. Let it go, Nik.”

He can feel Nikita’s lashes fluttering against his skin, soft like a butterfly flapping its wings. In his arms, his boyfriend relaxes the way he does when he hears his name. That is something Victor learned years ago; in the room, among the boys, he is Kuch: hard-working, enigmatic, Russian, hockey-playing Kuch with his sniper’s hands and big ambitions and laser focus. At the end of the day though, in the quiet moments in the dark, he is Nikita.

“This season is not over yet. We’ve got a great young team, getting valuable experience in the NHL. You’re our centerpiece right now, every night you go out and you lead us by example. And who knows, maybe you’ll win the Hart.”

“Not going to win the Hart,” Nikita says, but his voice sounds lighter, more playful. “You know, my name is not Crosby or McDavid.”

“They’re not the only MVPs,” Victor murmurs. “You’re our MVP.”

“You too.” Nikita stretches up a little, brushes a kiss to Victor’s cheek. Their beards scratch softly together. “Our Norris winner.”

Victor wants to say something uplifting, promise Nikita that he’ll get his 40 goals and the Rocket Richard, that they’ll grab a playoff spot, but he doesn’t want to jinx anything. He kisses Nikita’s always-pink nose instead.

“Maybe it’s a good thing. If you won, you would have to give a speech in front of everyone.”

Nikita makes a predictably disgusted face, and Victor laughs. Any speech by Nikita would involve soft mumbling, a lot of “you know”s, some awkward pauses, and an abrupt exit from the stage. Victor would find it all terribly endearing, but he knows it would be mortifying for Nikita.

“No speeches,” Nikita grumbles. “Just hockey.”

“Just hockey,” Victor agrees. There’s the next game, and the game after that, and then one more game before the season is over, the postseason on the line. But if they don’t make it, there’s next season, another chance, a new beginning. “Get some sleep, we need to remind everyone we’re not dead when we play on Thursday.”

“People always forget about us. Better that way.” Nikita’s smile is full of teeth. “Easier to attack when they forget about us until too late.”

Like a shark, Victor thinks. Silent and stealthy, hidden and forgotten below the water. And Nikita’s eyes are always bright and hungry.

They all are.

[essamadeeb]

Sharks 6, Oilers 3Optimism sure is a fleeting thing in Oil Country. The Edmonton Oilers were flying high after a pair of emotional wins last weekend over the Stanley Cup champions and then their fiercest rivals, but have since given it all back with a pair of dismal performances. After getting whitewashed 3-0 by an Arizona Coyotes club missing their top defence pair and their #1 goalie, the Oilers got waxed for six goals by a San Jose Sharks club missing their two top centres.Edmonton was deserving losers in both games, getting outsmarted, outquicked and outworked by a more desperate opponent on both occasions. Just like that the club is just 2-2-1 since their break and already looking to be playing on fumes despite the lengthy respite.The Oilers had a fast start in this one, generating the game’s first five Grade A scoring chances and converting two of them, all in the first six minutes. Alas, NHL games are 60 minutes long, not 6.The Sharks continued their dominance in Edmonton where they have won their last 5 visits in succession, scoring 25 goals. Overall, since the calendar turned to 2018 San Jose owns a tidy 9-1-1 record against the Oilers, scroing 54 goals and allowing 34. The Oilers just have no idea how to defend against this team, which was strongly in evidence again in this one.Player grades6 Adam Larsson, 3. Struggled in that area of the ice he usually controls, the low slot in his own end. Twice he was victimized on Sharks goals in tight to the net. Did have 5 hits and played with some edge.15 Josh Archibald, 4. Did some good work on the penalty kill, but failed to cut out a cross-ice pass that led to the 2-2. One of the more energetic Oilers, as usual.16 Jujhar Khaira, 5. Earned an assist on the final Oilers goal, otherwise had little impact. 0 shot attempts.19 Mikko Koskinen, 3. The Sharks had 8 Grade A chances and scored 6 goals. Koskinen didn’t have much help on several of them, but needed to be better on Stefan Noesen’s garbage goal from the side of the net and Timo Meier’s bad angle rocket. 2 goals against in each period. 31 shots, 25 saves, .806 save percentage.23 Riley Sheahan, 5. Tried to make a difference at the offensive end, but couldn’t finishm especially on a play early in the second when he deked Aaron Dell but was unable to pull the puck back and into the net. The most dangerous of his 3 shots came when he tried an ill-advised pass through a d-man, only to have that puck deflect off the defender and on net. Among the burn victim’s on San Jose’s powerplay goal. Managed a secondary assist on Bear’s tally was something of a broken play.25 Darnell Nurse, 5. Came out gangbusters with a pair of primary assists on the game’s first two goals, one a little lucky, the other a sharp outlet to McDavid. Largely struggled thereafter. Took a very bad penalty for throwing his stick to Koskinen after the netminder had lost his paddle in a goal mouth collision. Got all turned around on the game winner when he and Larsson were abandoned by the forwards and couldn’t handle all three San Jose attackers. 4 hits and 4 blocks, but 3 giveaways.29 Leon Draisaitl, 3. He appeared to have very little in the tank, with heavy skating legs and little impact. His only shot of the game came on his first shift. Wound up -3 on the night and was fully deserving of the last of those when he lost position on Timo Meier. Did manage a team best 8/12=67% on the dot.39 Alex Chiasson, 4. Slow on the backcheck on the third Sharks goal. Had nothing going on offensively, with 0 shots on nets and the same numnber of contributions to major scoring chances.44 Zack Kassian, 4. Barely noticeable. On his good nights he brings skating legs, physical intensity and a little flair with the puck. On this night he had none of the three.49 Tyler Benson, 5. Gets the standard +1 bump to his grade simply for the achievement of realizing the dream and playing his first NHL game. Didn’t get a whole lot done in it, looking somewhat nervous in the process. Charged with a -1 on a play all three forwards on his line got caught up ice behind the deadly Erik Karlsson. Nearly popped one home in garbage time but was denied by Sharks defender Dylan Gambrell.56 Kailer Yamamoto, 6. Was instrumental on the first Oilers goal, winning a couple of puck battles along the walls to keep the cycle going, then getting to the net front where he tipped McDavid’s outside shot, forcing a good save and an uncontrolled rebound that led directly to the goal. All of his shots on net were highly dangerous. Showed a few teammates how it’s done in the defensive zone in one instance where he recognized the danger man and collapsed to the low slot to prevent what would have been a great look.74 Ethan Bear, 5. Chipped in on Edmonton’s first goal with a good pass which was initially announced as the second assist on the play, allthough the scorekeepers later corrected both assists on the official scoring play. Broke out of a lengthy goal-scoring drought when he scored one out of the blue on a great wrist shot from outside the prime scoring zone. Was the most successful Oiler D at moving the puck, an unfortunately low bar on this night. His best pass may have been a stretch to Sheahan during an Edmonton penalty kill. The San Jose powerplay goal appeared to deflect in off him, and he was also among the victims on the game’s final tally. He and his partner Nurse were on the ice for all three Edmonton goals and each finished the night +1.77 Oscar Klefbom, 3. Not his night. Appeared to have his stick held by the crafty veteran Patrcik Marleau and was thus unable to tie up Meier’s stick on the first Sharks’ goal. Was in the sin bin for the 2-2, having taken a double minor for high sticking. Lost a battle in the build-up to the 4-2. Took 6 minutes of penalties on the night, matching his total for the entire season of 2016-17 when he had just 6 PiM in 82 games.83 Matt Benning, 4. Played 17½ minutes with a variety of partners, primarily Lagesson. They got burned on the 5-2. Managed 4 hits but had little impact on the flow of play.84 William Lagesson, 4. A couple of flashes here and there, but no sustain. His best moment may have been a quick move into the slot for a heavy wrist shot that missed the target. Just 3 games in to his NHL career, is struggling to assert himself.89 Sam Gagner, 6. Scored the first Oiler goal by roofing a backhand from the slot. Won a neutral zone battle that helped set the stage for the second. Fired 5 shots to co-lead the team, and some strong possession metrics. Made a nice hit on E.Karlsson at the Edmonton blueline to force the puck out and (temporarily) alleviate some intense San Jose pressure. His worst moment came when he collected a loose puck in his own territory, calmly surveyed all his options, and then put the puck directly on the stick of the nearest Shark.91 Gaetan Haas, 6. Played just 12½ minutes, and was replaced more than once by McDavid for an extra shift here and there. Funny thing, the line actually performed better when Haas was out there, during which time the Oilers generated 12 shot attempts to 2 against. Made one fine rush and move in the third that culminated in a dangerous shot. Even managed to win 3/4=75% of his faceoff attempts, an area in which he has struggled. One of the few Oilers to consistently move his feet.93 Ryan Nugent-Hopkins, 4. Didn’t get much done at either end of the rink, and finished with an ugly -3 to prove it. Had one great look but fired the puck over the crossbar.97 Connor McDavid, 5. Had a wonderful opening 6 minutes which included two great solo rushes, one resulting in a great save, the other in a superb goal. Chipped in on all 5 Oilers Grade A chances in that opening flurry. But faded right out of the game thereafter, with no more scoring chances, a couple of giveaways, and some soft defensive coverage on both the third and fourth San Jose goals. The first of those was especially egregious, as he didn’t recognize the danger man (two-time Norris Trophy winner Erik Karlsson) who had jumped up to create an odd-man rush and instead floated along behind, then did a flyby of his own net front just as Maxim Letunov was collecting Karlsson’s rebound and putting it home. Also in frame on the 4-2, when he watched the goal scorer from about 5 feet away instead of engaging. Struggled on the lone Edmonton powerplay, twice turning the puck over at the offensive blueline. 2 official giveaways. A decent 8/13=62% on the dot. He’ll be on the overnight highlight reels for that lovely goal, but this wasn’t his best work.Recently at the Cult of HockeySTAPLES: Tyler Benson to make NHL debut as Tippett shuffles his deckSTAPLES: Why I like the idea of Darnell Nurse signing a two-year deal with the OilersLEAVINS: Player grades in stinker loss to ArizonaMcCURDY: Archibald, Sheahan make cases for contract extensionsFollow me on Twitter @BruceMcCurdy

[horrorfictionreviews-blog]

The Meg, Revisited

by Mark Lorenzana

This was a fanboy post that I published in Facebook when the first The Meg trailer was released, roughly three months before the movie hit cinemas:

OK, as a huge Steve Alten fan, someone who’s read all the books in his Meg series, all the books in his Loch series, and all the books in his Mayan Domain trilogy, finally seeing a trailer of the movie adaptation of his 1997 novel (after languishing in developmental hell for 21 years—21 years!) has got me stoked. So please indulge me and allow me to go into fanboy mode here. Warning: Minor spoilers ahead, as I nitpick on a couple of the differences between the novel and the upcoming film based on a two-minute trailer. LOL

1. In the book, the megalodon that deep-sea diver Dr. Jonas Taylor (Jason Statham) discovers in the Marianas Trench is albino-white and blind, owing to an evolutionary adaptation of deep-sea creatures that live in pitch-black darkness. Of course, originally, megalodons weren’t albino and blind, and they didn’t live in deep-sea trenches either, but the megalodons in the book survived extinction over a period of 23 million years (thus even outliving the dinosaurs in the process) by gradually moving deeper and deeper, escaping the frigid surface waters of the ice age and finding a home in the abyssal waters heated by undersea thermal vents or black smokers that spew chemicals from the earth’s interior. We see in the trailer that the megalodon is an olive-green color, and that’s cool too (although we don’t really know the actual skin color of megs because all that paleontologists have found are their fossilized teeth and jaws—a shark’s skeleton is made up entirely of cartilage), but it would have been awesome to see the original glow-in-the-dark meg.

2. Finally seeing Dr. Jonas Taylor in the flesh still feels strange to me, especially since the actor cast to play the role is Jason Statham. I imagine Jonas Taylor, as he is described in the book, as more of an academic type—imagine Dr. Robert Langdon in Dan Brown’s novels (which is why I could see Tom Hanks–or Hugh Grant, or Edward Norton, or even Pierce Brosnan—definitely owning a Jonas Taylor portrayal). I guess the people behind the movie wanted someone more badass, though, and I’m willing to give Mr. Statham the benefit of the doubt.

Silly, mindless summer flick coming your way, folks. Let’s not take this seriously and just enjoy the ride, shall we? As the novel’s original blurb says: Jurassic Shark! :)

I finally saw the movie last month. My verdict? It did a pretty good job of porting over a horror novel full of blood and guts (what can you expect from a novel about a giant prehistoric shark that’s unleashed on the general public?) to the big screen as a PG-13 flick. The result was a mindlessly fun movie with, well, less blood and guts, which apparently disappointed Jason Statham but got the desired effect of raking in approximately 500 million in the box office.

It goes without saying here that I read Steve Alten’s original novel more than two decades ago, and I absolutely loved it. As a kid I was an animal freak, and I loved (still love, by the way) sharks especially, and it’s no surprise that all these years I still reread Alten’s Meg series as well as Peter Benchley’s novels Jaws and White Shark.

Currently I’m reading Alten’s newest book in the Meg series, Meg: Generations (the sixth in the series), and before I finish it I’d like to write a book review of each of the previous five novels that came before. But right now, inspired by that fanboy post I made on Facebook, please indulge me as I dedicate this post to discussing more of the differences between the novel and the movie (major spoilers below).

1. Jonas Taylor, both in the book and in the film, is  a Navy deep-sea diver who, for many years, has had to live with his guilt after accidentally killing two of his colleagues when he piloted a submersible to the Marianas Trench only to panic after seeing what he believed was a megalodon that was about to attack them. He is dismissed from the Navy as a result. In the book, Jonas, in an attempt to try to convince himself and the others around him that he is not crazy, devotes himself to the study of megalodons, even earning himself a PhD along the way. In the movie, he retreats to Thailand and drowns his sorrows in beer (thus never earning his PhD, what a waste).

2. In the novel the marine research team is headed by Masao Tanaka, of Japanese descent, and his research facility is situated off Monterey Bay, California. In the movie they decided to change Masao’s character into a Chinese guy and move the research facility from the United States to Asia, which was a good move actually because the movie raked in millions from the Chinese audience. Cha-ching.

3. In the novel Jonas’s best friend, James "Mac" Mackreides, is an alcoholic helicopter pilot with a taste for prostitutes, while in the movie he’s one of the smart guys, a crew at the research station. (I still love the whoring Mac in the novel, by the way.)

4. In the novel, DJ is the only son of Masao Tanaka. He is also an expert at doing deep-sea dives and piloting the submersibles; in the movie DJ is a black guy who’s a source of comedic entertainment. And no, movie-version DJ doesn’t die first.

5. In the novel, Jonas’s ex-wife is a slut that deserved to die, but in the movie Jonas’s ex-wife is pretty cool and doesn’t deserve to die.

6. The movie is funnier; it embraces its campy tone wholeheartedly, which is why even if a lot of  the stuff that’s happening is unbelievable, the film can actually get away with it. The novel takes itself more seriously, sometimes way too seriously, but as a whole the novel has more action, is more violent and intense, and has way more gore. With that said, I hope they show an uncut version of the movie (*crosses fingers*).

7. In the movie’s climax, Statham’s Jonas did a very badass Statham thing: he first split open the megalodon from snout to tail by using the submersible he was piloting, then he actually got out of the submersible with a spear gun in hand, grabbed on to one of the giant shark’s gill slits, and as the animal breached the surface of the water, Jonas pierced the meg’s eye and drove home the spear into the animal’s brain, killing it. This would be so fucking awesome if not for the fact that in the novel Jonas did a very badass Chuck Norris thing: he intentionally piloted his one-man submersible into the meg’s open mouth and parked it in the shark’s stomach and, while Jonas breathed through an oxygen mask, made his way to the animal’s giant heart and sawed it off using a fossilized meg tooth that he kept with him at all times as a souvenir (Movie Jonas: 0 Novel Jonas: 1). 

I’ll keep adding to this list as a I remember more details. Meanwhile, I’ll keep on reading through  Meg: Generations as my schedule allows, and will post a book review once done. Ciao for now.

[cutron]

Journal.docx Abridged: March 2018

March 1: Ironic scissors.

March 2: The distraction of a high subscriber count.

March 3: YA YA YA YA YA!

March 4: Libosses are as deadly as sharks or vending machines. In other words, one fatality per year. And unlike the fooled sharks and inanimate vending machines, they were actually trying to kill.

March 5: Time, darkness, and recycling.

March 6: It's your lucky day, Ludmilla Blokhin. I've decided your old angsty plotline is excessive. Instead, have a new angsty plotline! Good luck dealing with an evil circus and your own feelings of inadequacy, instead of a dumb curse and possession.

March 7: Boris' non-Kryptonian hero.

March 8: I have an idea for an april fools prank!

March 9: What does it mean to be a hero?

March 10: And now, our Direct presentation.

March 11: Long-distance bathtub attack!

March 12: The most boring shade of brown.

March 13: Semicircles.

March 14: It's an autism thing, and an anime thing, at the same time.

March 15: Dragonball-assisted animation testing.

March 16: Start the song from the middle!

March 17: Wow, how did the ESRB let that distorted F-bomb slide on that E10-rated game?

March 18: Anagrams for a side project.

March 19: Heptahedrons, quadrangles, triamonds, and decahedrons without names.

March 20: Carbonated Grenade.

March 21: Canary Yellow and Steel Blue.

March 22: Computerized Artificially Conscious Technology Operating System. CACTOS, the desert-themed operating system of the robots of the Stormiverse.

March 23: How do I make a tall tale set in 2017? Make Chuck Norris-like claims?

March 24: I need to make a new height chart.

March 25: Slow boil for a stalemate between a body hijacking demon and a two-headed robotic vulture.

March 26: Tap a Bowser amiibo for a sad easter egg.

March 27: How do you get a Mug of Joe? Play the game for FOUR HOURS!!!

March 28: Anticipating the Gen 5 Metagame of Pokemon Go and replicating it using Fakemon.

March 29: The name "Grackle Games" has been taken? By some domain hog with one facebook post and two tweets? Unacceptable. I must have it! I will conquer the hog!

March 30: My old enemy. A lack of examples of diacritic pronounciation.

March 31: Shout-outs without lawsuits, a chance to be creative, honest fandom in and out of universe, contributing to the anti-defanging of "monster", and a rejection of low-hanging fruit. All at once. At the same time. Simultaneously.

[flauntpage]

Montreal's Terrible Judgment Exemplified by Subban's Stellar Playoff Run

This article originally appeared on VICE Sports Canada.

When two franchise defencemen Shea Weber and PK Subban were swapped in a shocking deal between Nashville and Montreal last offseason, it was obvious for many reasons, including Weber's age and shitty contract structure, that the Canadiens were likely going to regret the move at some point in the future.

It was a long shot to think the trade would be blowing up in the team's face less than 12 months after it happened, though, but here we are.

As the Predators advance to the Stanley Cup Final for the first time in franchise history during Subban's inaugural season with the club, the Canadiens' front office, players, and fan base are left watching and wondering what could've been after another first-round playoff exit. While its former beloved blueliner inches closer to realizing his Stanley Cup dreams, Montreal is realizing the nightmare that this franchise-altering trade has already been lost less than a year after it happened.

The main knocks against Subban—besides former Canadiens head coach Michel Therrien not being fond of him—leading up to and after the trade were his (lack of) shutdown defensive play and his (in)ability to fit into a winning team system. After watching Subban become a dominant part of the league's deepest defensive core while shutting down three of the game's biggest stars through the first three rounds of the postseason, those criticisms of Subban's game seem not only unfounded, but laughable.

Subban's fast skating, puck-controlling, shoot-first style has meshed absolutely perfectly with head coach Peter Laviolette's system which focuses heavily on offensive production from the blueline. Being paired with an excellent defender like Mattias Ekholm for most of the season and playoffs has allowed Subban the freedom to jump into the rush often without leaving the backend exposed. As a group, Subban, Ekholm, Roman Josi, and Ryan Ellis have been in sync and on the same page both defensively and offensively. The team's defensive corps as a whole tied the San Jose Sharks for most points from the blueline in the regular season with 181, while they've continued their torrid offensive pace in the postseason with 42 points from defenceman so far, including 10 from Subban, who has been nothing short of a perfect complement to this offensively dominant Predators D-core.

It hasn't just been the offence that Subban has bolstered, either. His play on the defensive side of the puck has been Weber-esque or better, especially in the playoffs. The former Norris Trophy winner and his partner Ekholm were tasked with shutting down three of the NHL's biggest stars in series against Chicago, St. Louis, and Anaheim, holding Jonathan Toews, Vladimir Tarasenko, and Ryan Getzlaf to a combined three goals in 16 games. The pair has allowed only six 5-on-5 goals in 292:54 of ice time together so far in the playoffs. Subban especially showed his defensive impact in the Anaheim series, making life hell for his opponents in 1-on-1 attacking situations. On attempted zone entries against Subban, only 39 percent were carried in, while his dump-in (49.02) and break-up (11.76) percentages ranked No. 1 among Nashville blueliners during the series.

It's unknown and impossible to tell how far Subban could have carried the Canadiens (who boast a much shallower top-to-bottom roster than the Predators) had the team stuck with him for even another season. But even still, he always made more sense for the club in the future. And while the Canadiens hoped Weber would at least be the better short-term play, Subban has emphatically murdered that notion, too.

This trade has been an absolute success for Nashville already in Year 1, and for the Canadiens it's only going to get worse.

Montreal's Terrible Judgment Exemplified by Subban's Stellar Playoff Run published first on http://ift.tt/2pLTmlv

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Sharks 6, Oilers 3Optimism sure is a fleeting thing in Oil Country. The Edmonton Oilers were flying high after a pair of emotional wins last weekend over the Stanley Cup champions and then their fiercest rivals, but have since given it all back with a pair of dismal performances. After getting whitewashed 3-0 by an Arizona Coyotes club missing their top defence pair and their #1 goalie, the Oilers got waxed for six goals by a San Jose Sharks club missing their two top centres.Edmonton was deserving losers in both games, getting outsmarted, outquicked and outworked by a more desperate opponent on both occasions. Just like that the club is just 2-2-1 since their break and already looking to be playing on fumes despite the lengthy respite.The Oilers had a fast start in this one, generating the game’s first five Grade A scoring chances and converting two of them, all in the first six minutes. Alas, NHL games are 60 minutes long, not 6.The Sharks continued their dominance in Edmonton where they have won their last 5 visits in succession, scoring 25 goals. Overall, since the calendar turned to 2018 San Jose owns a tidy 9-1-1 record against the Oilers, scroing 54 goals and allowing 34. The Oilers just have no idea how to defend against this team, which was strongly in evidence again in this one.Player grades6 Adam Larsson, 3. Struggled in that area of the ice he usually controls, the low slot in his own end. Twice he was victimized on Sharks goals in tight to the net. Did have 5 hits and played with some edge.15 Josh Archibald, 4. Did some good work on the penalty kill, but failed to cut out a cross-ice pass that led to the 2-2. One of the more energetic Oilers, as usual.16 Jujhar Khaira, 5. Earned an assist on the final Oilers goal, otherwise had little impact. 0 shot attempts.19 Mikko Koskinen, 3. The Sharks had 8 Grade A chances and scored 6 goals. Koskinen didn’t have much help on several of them, but needed to be better on Stefan Noesen’s garbage goal from the side of the net and Timo Meier’s bad angle rocket. 2 goals against in each period. 31 shots, 25 saves, .806 save percentage.23 Riley Sheahan, 5. Tried to make a difference at the offensive end, but couldn’t finishm especially on a play early in the second when he deked Aaron Dell but was unable to pull the puck back and into the net. The most dangerous of his 3 shots came when he tried an ill-advised pass through a d-man, only to have that puck deflect off the defender and on net. Among the burn victim’s on San Jose’s powerplay goal. Managed a secondary assist on Bear’s tally was something of a broken play.25 Darnell Nurse, 5. Came out gangbusters with a pair of primary assists on the game’s first two goals, one a little lucky, the other a sharp outlet to McDavid. Largely struggled thereafter. Took a very bad penalty for throwing his stick to Koskinen after the netminder had lost his paddle in a goal mouth collision. Got all turned around on the game winner when he and Larsson were abandoned by the forwards and couldn’t handle all three San Jose attackers. 4 hits and 4 blocks, but 3 giveaways.29 Leon Draisaitl, 3. He appeared to have very little in the tank, with heavy skating legs and little impact. His only shot of the game came on his first shift. Wound up -3 on the night and was fully deserving of the last of those when he lost position on Timo Meier. Did manage a team best 8/12=67% on the dot.39 Alex Chiasson, 4. Slow on the backcheck on the third Sharks goal. Had nothing going on offensively, with 0 shots on nets and the same numnber of contributions to major scoring chances.44 Zack Kassian, 4. Barely noticeable. On his good nights he brings skating legs, physical intensity and a little flair with the puck. On this night he had none of the three.49 Tyler Benson, 5. Gets the standard +1 bump to his grade simply for the achievement of realizing the dream and playing his first NHL game. Didn’t get a whole lot done in it, looking somewhat nervous in the process. Charged with a -1 on a play all three forwards on his line got caught up ice behind the deadly Erik Karlsson. Nearly popped one home in garbage time but was denied by Sharks defender Dylan Gambrell.56 Kailer Yamamoto, 6. Was instrumental on the first Oilers goal, winning a couple of puck battles along the walls to keep the cycle going, then getting to the net front where he tipped McDavid’s outside shot, forcing a good save and an uncontrolled rebound that led directly to the goal. All of his shots on net were highly dangerous. Showed a few teammates how it’s done in the defensive zone in one instance where he recognized the danger man and collapsed to the low slot to prevent what would have been a great look.74 Ethan Bear, 5. Chipped in on Edmonton’s first goal with a good pass which was initially announced as the second assist on the play, allthough the scorekeepers later corrected both assists on the official scoring play. Broke out of a lengthy goal-scoring drought when he scored one out of the blue on a great wrist shot from outside the prime scoring zone. Was the most successful Oiler D at moving the puck, an unfortunately low bar on this night. His best pass may have been a stretch to Sheahan during an Edmonton penalty kill. The San Jose powerplay goal appeared to deflect in off him, and he was also among the victims on the game’s final tally. He and his partner Nurse were on the ice for all three Edmonton goals and each finished the night +1.77 Oscar Klefbom, 3. Not his night. Appeared to have his stick held by the crafty veteran Patrcik Marleau and was thus unable to tie up Meier’s stick on the first Sharks’ goal. Was in the sin bin for the 2-2, having taken a double minor for high sticking. Lost a battle in the build-up to the 4-2. Took 6 minutes of penalties on the night, matching his total for the entire season of 2016-17 when he had just 6 PiM in 82 games.83 Matt Benning, 4. Played 17½ minutes with a variety of partners, primarily Lagesson. They got burned on the 5-2. Managed 4 hits but had little impact on the flow of play.84 William Lagesson, 4. A couple of flashes here and there, but no sustain. His best moment may have been a quick move into the slot for a heavy wrist shot that missed the target. Just 3 games in to his NHL career, is struggling to assert himself.89 Sam Gagner, 6. Scored the first Oiler goal by roofing a backhand from the slot. Won a neutral zone battle that helped set the stage for the second. Fired 5 shots to co-lead the team, and some strong possession metrics. Made a nice hit on E.Karlsson at the Edmonton blueline to force the puck out and (temporarily) alleviate some intense San Jose pressure. His worst moment came when he collected a loose puck in his own territory, calmly surveyed all his options, and then put the puck directly on the stick of the nearest Shark.91 Gaetan Haas, 6. Played just 12½ minutes, and was replaced more than once by McDavid for an extra shift here and there. Funny thing, the line actually performed better when Haas was out there, during which time the Oilers generated 12 shot attempts to 2 against. Made one fine rush and move in the third that culminated in a dangerous shot. Even managed to win 3/4=75% of his faceoff attempts, an area in which he has struggled. One of the few Oilers to consistently move his feet.93 Ryan Nugent-Hopkins, 4. Didn’t get much done at either end of the rink, and finished with an ugly -3 to prove it. Had one great look but fired the puck over the crossbar.97 Connor McDavid, 5. Had a wonderful opening 6 minutes which included two great solo rushes, one resulting in a great save, the other in a superb goal. Chipped in on all 5 Oilers Grade A chances in that opening flurry. But faded right out of the game thereafter, with no more scoring chances, a couple of giveaways, and some soft defensive coverage on both the third and fourth San Jose goals. The first of those was especially egregious, as he didn’t recognize the danger man (two-time Norris Trophy winner Erik Karlsson) who had jumped up to create an odd-man rush and instead floated along behind, then did a flyby of his own net front just as Maxim Letunov was collecting Karlsson’s rebound and putting it home. Also in frame on the 4-2, when he watched the goal scorer from about 5 feet away instead of engaging. Struggled on the lone Edmonton powerplay, twice turning the puck over at the offensive blueline. 2 official giveaways. A decent 8/13=62% on the dot. He’ll be on the overnight highlight reels for that lovely goal, but this wasn’t his best work.Recently at the Cult of HockeySTAPLES: Tyler Benson to make NHL debut as Tippett shuffles his deckSTAPLES: Why I like the idea of Darnell Nurse signing a two-year deal with the OilersLEAVINS: Player grades in stinker loss to ArizonaMcCURDY: Archibald, Sheahan make cases for contract extensionsFollow me on Twitter @BruceMcCurdy