#shannon makes me so heartbroken the way she goes along god

[casnovakisded]

Relationships

Man, relationships are hard. Like, maintaining a good relationship with literally anyone when you’ve got all these issues is so. hard. 

If you’re anything like me, you just become unbearable to be around because you’re so depressed. That, or you isolate yourself because you’re convincing yourself that no one really cares and no one actually wants to hang out with you anyway. 

Bed is my favourite place. 

My previous relationships have been pretty fucked up. Some more than most. I’ve had my fair share of teenage heartbreaks, but every one of my serious relationships have been somewhat interesting. 

So we’ll start with Luke. I was around 16/17 and I was going through problems at home/school. Things were pretty bad with my mental health and I was doing stupid things every so often. I moved into this guy’s flat before we got together, because I wanted to run away from home, and it seemed like an okay place to be. There was myself, Luke, his friend and his girlfriend living there at the time. His friend had a flat around the corner that was pretty much empty, but me and Nicole would go over there sometimes to have a ‘girl night’. We only had one bed, so one night we would have the bed, and the next night we would have the floor. The flat was two busses away from sixth form so I just didn’t go in most days. 

Luke was manipulative, hugely... and he was also pretty fucked up. I mean, i’m pretty fucked, but you know when someone’s just got a screw loose? that’s Luke. The best event I can think of that really sums up who this guy is as a person, is when my best friend was spreading shit about me. She had made up loads of rumours about me and Luke and basically tried to convince us both that we were horrible people and that we didn’t want to be with each other, because she was jealous and she wanted to be with Luke. I honestly had no idea she felt that way, and if I had I wouldn’t have got with him because friends come first. Now I completely understood that we were teenagers and we did bitchy things like that, I was quite happy to just talk to her about it - kiss and make up - but apparently that wasn’t enough for Luke. He’d told me and Nicole to go over to Jake’s flat because they had to rehearse lines for college, so off we popped down the road to the other flat. Nicole left her medication at Luke’s so we went back to get that. I go upstairs, and there’s Shannon stood in my kitchen, along with another guy that was on their college course. They all told me they were just going through lines and to go back over to Nicole’s. So again, off we popped down the road and I thought nothing else of it. When we go back the next day, Shannon’s not there, but Luke and his college friends are all there, laughing about something that happened the night before, holding a video camera. I hadn’t heard anything from Shannon at this point. One of Luke’s mates from college told me what they’d done while he was passing me the video camera. I don’t think I was supposed to know. They (2 teenage boys, and one 20 year old) took her trousers, tied her to a chair and hit her. We had these relatively thick plastic sticks laying around the house - the best way I can describe them were long straight plastic sticks that were shaped at a right angle if you were to look down it - kind of like a wire cover. 

It hurts when you were hit with them, i’d know. 

So they all had 3 hits and she was left absolutely battered. As soon as I found out I obviously left the guy. It happened to me on occasion (not tied up, and not necessarily done in a vicious manner, but he hit hard, and it hurt). 

He’s in prison now I think.

Next is Jordan. Jordan is actually just a lovely guy, but our relationship was just a lot. Jordan had a little girl called Evie. He also lived with his ex... aaaaand we all worked at the same place. We were all very involved and I got somewhat attached to Evie. I was with Jordan just before I moved to uni (182 miles away from here). At this point in my life I didn’t know where I would be going, and at 17, that kind of commitment was a lot to take on, so I had to leave - but it was hard. 

Next (and probably the most fucked up) is Ed. Now Ed is a guy I met while I was at uni. I worked in a vape shop and he was a mate of another guy that worked there, Mark. (More on that later..)

So I like cars, especially Volvo’s. My dad is a mechanic for Volvo so i’ve kinda had a love of them from a very young age. It just so happened to be that not only was Ed funny, charming, kinda weirdly beautiful and generally amazing, but he also drove a classic Volvo. Not only did he drive a classic Volvo but he drove the best classic Volvo - the 340. My point is, he was everything I wanted. I was so immersed in happiness and my path in life felt like it was set in stone. As soon as we starting going out places together, that was it - we were inseparable. After I finished at uni, our plan was to move a little closer to the North so it would make travelling to see my parents a little easier, given I don’t drive. 

It was moving day, and for the two days previous to this my dad had done like.. 3 trips there and back moving all my stuff back home - 182 miles each way (We were moving to my parents’ until we found a house up that way). Ed’s car was loaded with my things too - mainly my bed and then just other bits and bobs. No exaggeration, my hand was on the door handle and I was just about to get in the car after we all (Myself, Ed and my Dad) had just had a chat about where we were going to stop off for toilet breaks, and Ed just looks at me and says “this is it”. I take a breath and say “Yeah” with a kind of smile on my face, and he just looks at me and says, “No, I mean this is it, this is the end of me and you.” Now obviously at this point i’m just super confused and I don’t even really understand what he’s saying because no way could my perfect boyfriend that I’m just about to move away with and start a new life with is breaking up with me. He said that i’d given him nothing to hold on to, and that I had to prove to him that I could mature (Even though I was the 19 year old that has always supported myself, and he was the 24 year old that didn’t actually have a job, and that baso lived off his rich parents - but again, more on that later).

Just when I thought my life couldn’t get any worse, off he goes to my dad’s car. He knocks on the window to get him to roll it down, and he just says, and I quote, “Cas is probably going to try and kill herself tonight, so I’d say it’s best to take away all of the sharp objects, and all of her weed smoking paraphernalia is in the back of the car in that shoebox”.  

Who the fuck even does that -.-

When I got in the car my dad was actually super chill about everything, which was surprising for me because growing up my parents were always extremely strict - I actually had to sign a contract to live at my mum’s at one point. When I got home, to Rotherham - somewhere I hadn’t been in over a year, by myself, I just didn’t know what to do with myself. It was around 1am by the time we got back, and I went straight to Natalie’s house - she’s a friend of mine from school, that kind of friend that is always going to be there no matter what time it is. I don’t even think I let her know I was coming, I just showed up. I sat and cried to her a lot, but she’d not long since had a baby and was super tired - I would have felt bad keeping her up all night listening to my problems, so I sent her to bed. I think at around 2.30am I sent my brother a text asking if he was around. He has a bit of a drinking problem, so I figured he’d probably be on his way back from town. He walked me back home from Natalie’s and I had another big cry at him. He offered to kill him which was amusing, and he really tried to make me feel better bless him, but I just felt absolutely numb and empty. Because I’d been with Ed constantly for a year, now he wasn’t here I felt like i’d lost a limb. It was awful. Around a week later we ended up getting back together, and around a month after that I ended it with him, and we haven’t spoken since. I’m still heartbroken.

That’s the relationship in a summary, but my god that’s not even scraping the surface of how damaging it was. Ed was on another level of mental manipulation. As mentioned earlier, the plan originally was to move after i’d finished uni, but Ed had said that there were things he needed to do in Guildford first before we could move. We couldn’t afford to rent somewhere because I didn’t have a job (i’ll explain more shortly) so we ended up in his step-dad’s office. It had a toilet, and a small sink, a tiny (and I mean tiny) fridge, and then another room that had the bed, sofa and TV in it. No shower. No method of cooking. Nowhere to put a washing machine. Not only that, but we weren’t allowed to be seen going in and out because we weren’t technically allowed to live there with it being an office, meaning when he was out and about in the day, I was pretty much ordered to stay inside. Even if I did want to go outside, there wasn’t anywhere to go. Haslemere is 16 miles away from Guildford (friends) and with no job or money, I baso sat in an office by myself just waiting for Ed to come back for 3 months.

The reason I didn’t have a job, is because Mark sexually assaulted me, and when I reported it to our managers they told me they were just going to fire both of us, because it was my word against his and I didn’t have any solid proof of what he did. Because physical bruises and the fact that they knew he was at mine that night didn’t suffice. Not only that, but I actually texted my manager at the time and asked him to help, but he just said it would be fine. 

So, that night. There were 5 of us in my uni room, 4 of us smoking bud and Mark was just drinking. My manager and assistant manager were there, along with another colleague. (My manager and assistant manager were also my dealers so yeah that was pretty convenient). We were all really close friends and everything was just really nice and happy and chill, but then when it got later and everyone was leaving because we were all falling sleep, Mark just kind of hovered and didn’t go. We were on my bed in my room, now alone since everyone else had gone. I was falling asleep/passing out due to being tired/really stoned, and I asked him to leave a couple of times but he just didn’t. At this point I texted my manager asking him to come back because I didn’t feel comfortable him being there, but I wasn’t in a position where I could force him to leave, but as I said - he just said it would be fine. 

I’d fallen asleep before i’d even seen his reply, but when I woke up Mark was on top of me, grinding on my leg, biting my neck. I had bruises all over my chest and my button on my jeans was undone. I went to hit him because it made me jump that he was just there, and he grabbed my hands so I couldn’t move them. Apparently i’d consented to it all, but I mean, i’m fairly confident that I was passed out and therefore couldn’t consent to anything. Not only that, but I was evidently not sober, which also means I couldn’t have consented to anything. The next day at work was horrible. Mark was there, and everyone was just acting completely normal, even though they all knew. I just didn’t know what to do with myself. Ed accused me of lying about it all too. I ended up leaving my job, because I wasn’t going to be fired for that. 

Ed and Mark were also part of this group thing, called munch. Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t judge anyone for their sexual preferences or kinks or whatever, but I would have appreciated at least being told about them, I found out about ‘munch’ when I questioned Ed about some scratches that were on his arm after being at the pub with Mark and his girlfriend. He lied and said he’d scraped his arm on something, even though they were evidently nail marks. I did the crazy girlfriend thing and looked through his phone (only to his chats with Mark, and this is the only time I have ever done this) and there was a few messages there, pictures of Ed’s arm - “How do you like them?”, “Yeah I’m really happy with them, have to go harder next time” etc.

Oh good.

Not only this, but I also found a box of dildos and thongs which I presumed at first to be Ed’s ex’s, but they actually turned out to be Ed’s. 

He threw a McDonald’s at me once too, after I’d just worked an 11 hour shift (From the job that he actually ended up getting me fired from). He did this after shouting at me in McDonald’s while he was eating the meal i’d just bought him. He was shouting at me because I was posting depressing things on Tumblr. Haha. 

He would often make comments about the things he knew I was insecure about (so basically everything). He said I should get a boob reduction because he liked smaller boobs and mine were too big. I wasn’t allowed to go out and see my friends, because he thought that everyone else was trying to persuade me to not be with him. He made me sell my camera for a house deposit that he then backed out of. He then gave me a camera for my birthday (which I had to buy back off him when we broke up..). He got me fired from my job in Rotherham because he didn’t want me working with blokes in a vape shop (even though that’s what i’d been doing for the last year). He once told me that he wanted me to be depressed because it meant that I would solely rely on him. He always went on about how he wanted to fuck his housemate (male, also one of my close friends). I don’t even need to go on. This was such a fucked up toxic relationship and yeah, i’m glad i’m not in it any more.

A day after this relationship ended I was with Jord.

I know right?

I said to him at the time that it was a re-bound and that it was a terrible idea, but Jord didn’t really seem to care. Don’t get me wrong, Jord is amazing, and if I hadn’t have done certain things and made him controlling and paranoid, then he literally would be the perfect guy. I wasn’t ready for another relationship that was as full on as the last one, which this one is. I’m still not ready for this relationship, but i’m far too terrified to leave it, because I just can’t be by myself right now. 

This was a really long post and if you actually read it all then wow well done. 

[mylimoji]

george is really a fascinating character to me, especially with his jealously over shannon and how their whole love story played out. the way he manipulated the situation to make the girl he likes to like him is fascinating. yeah, he is a straight up loser, it's very interesting how he 'damns his incel past' for making a goal of trying to get the 'tradwife' he sees in shannon. he's not very interested in her as a person and he never questions their class dynamic and he never questions himself why talking about nuclear family and kids make shannon uncomfortable. he feels like he 'grew up' from his childish boyish ways and while he says he 'got over his idealisation of the opposite sex' he still does that to shannon! he still expects her to be a proper traditional wife and a traditional woman without really asking her input! and we see shannon getting along with his ideas just because it makes george happy with his dream of him standing against his family for.... reproducing the same family values! god! him talking about having kids as an ADVENTURE and having as many kids as possible... ugh