mysocalled-armywife-life-blog - Tumblr blog

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Baby update!

I can't believe my little man had been here for over 2 weeks now! I'm still in awe of how perfect he is. My c-section went well, no complications. My only real problems were getting sick from the anaesthesia afterwards (like for 6 hours doing nothing but throwing up every time I tried to eat and going on almost 30 hours of not eating...) and the air bubbles. The air bubbles sucked because they hurt so bad I couldn't breathe so I just laid in bed crying unable to explain it to Logan. Luckily I had some awesome nurses there taking care of me, as well as two awesome surgeons who checked on me non stop to make sure I was ok and not having any questions. We spent two days in the hospital after the c-section, then drive home at the beginning if that awful snow storm that came through. My mom and stepdad came out Thursday and spent the weekend with us. It was so great to see them interact with him. He was only a few days old and he already had them wrapped around his tiny fingers. This past week we were lucky enough to spend it just the 3 of us, which was really great. And Monday Logan went back to work which sucks. He's so tired when he gets home and I know it bothers him to not get to spend as much time with our son now. But everyone is doing well. I figured I would update for those who do read my blog and care ha.

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Only 5 more days

It's so surreal to think that this journey is almost over and just about to really begin at the same time. Being pregnant had been the most amazing experience of my life. The past 9 months have been a whirlwind of emotions and struggles. I still can't believe that all the morning sickness, heartburn, back pain, lack of sleep, and million other symptoms and side effects have been adding up to finally being able to hold our son for the first time come Monday. I had this idea in my head what being pregnant would be like, and maybe a lot of women do, kinda similar to that idea you come up with of how your wedding is suppose to go. I knew all the symptoms of being pregnant but every time I imagined it, there was a perfect beach ball belly and that glow. I never thought about the other aspects of it. And when it came to delivery, I would do it naturally and in a relatively short amount of time with absolutely no thought to the recovery process after all of this. Needless to say, a c-section was never part of my plan and it has taken a bit of reflection and soul searching to not let everything I've read online from other mothers diminish my birth experience. It's not what I intended. I would love to give birth without the c-section, that's why I decided to try the ecv knowing the possible risk and the pain I was going to go through for a 50/50 shot at maybe getting him in the right position. I still feel some sadness that my idea of what birth would be like hasn't gone according to my plan, but I know once my son is here and safe in our arms that those things will melt away. I'm honestly utterly terrified and beyond excited at the same time for Monday to get here. Time is neither moving fast enough not moving slow enough andi feel like I could go crazy with anticipation. I can't wait to meet him and to see Logan and the rest of our families merry him after all this time of waiting.

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A lot of mixed emotions at the moment

Today we went in for my ECV and it was definitely an interesting experience. I have to start off by saying that I love the doctors I've dealt with so far at Womack and they have been nothing but nice and understanding, which is awesome especially when you're terrified ha.

I still had not really come to a decision about whether I would go through with the procedure due to the risk. After my appointment last Tuesday, I was convinced that if he was still breech then I wouldn't attempt it and just schedule the c-section. Yet today when it came down to it, I agreed to give it a try.

When they did his scan, he was in a full breech position (knees to chest and ankles crossed) so he was in the best position to try and turn him. I had plenty of fluid and there were no signs of the cord being in the way. I was offered an epidural even though the doctor said he would prefer I didn't have it. I decided it was best to forego the epidural do I could be fully aware of any pain/discomfort. I was given a shot to relax the uterus and was warned that I would feel elevated heart rate and respiration, a raise in blood pressure, and light headedness... almost like having a panic attack and that it was all normal and didn't last too long. I was then told they would try three attempts to roll him forward and then three attempts backwards and that I was in control and could tell them to stop whenever I needed them to.

We got through three unsuccessful attempts rolling him forward with hardly any movement in his part and a good deal of pain on mine. With the first backwards attempt he moved slightly, however, on the second attempt there was a good bit of movement. Unfortunately I was in too much pain and had to stop this attempt. The doctors being add great as they were saw how exhausted and in pain I was and decided a third attempt wouldn't do either him or myself any good and scheduled my c-section.

So now I'm scheduled for a c-section on the 10th, one week before his due date. I was feeling ok with how everything had gone until getting online and trying to find out as much information as possible about the procedure and recovery. Almost everything on the internet makes c-section out to be this horrible, shameful thing... even in cases of breech presentation. There are so many women online bashing other women because they had a c-section. I didn't choose this. I made a very painful and risky attempt to turn my baby and unfortunately this is the only option I have at the hospital I'm delivering at, and it's not fair to be made to feel like I'm falling my child because of a situation I have no control of. I keep second guessing my own strength, wondering if I had held out just a little bit more on the last attempt if they could have turned him. Wondering if I had let them make the third backwards attempt if he would have turned. I'm in a great deal of pain and stick feeling a little guilty about the risk I took to try and turn him, but not as guilty as I'm being made to feel by other women online because I'm having a scheduled c-section.

Ugh!

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Combat Boots & Dog Tags by emolee84 on Flickr.

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I'm Just saying

If you want to pretend I don't exist and ignore me when I'm really in need of a friend, then don't come around after my son gets here wanting to babysit and play "aunt". Fuck that! You aren't gonna just drop me and then come around trying to use my son to cope with your baby fever. Don't call asking if he's come yet. Don't ask about coming to the hospital after I deliver. And don't ask about coming by the house to see the baby. Just don't!

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Starting to feel very alone up here

I went back to the doctor today for a follow up ultrasound. Of course my little man is still breech. We did however see that he is bottom down instead of feet down which is good for when they try to turn him. 

Speaking of trying to turn him, today I saw a different doctor and she was very good about really explaining to me what exactly the External Cephalic Version (ECV or Version) is, how it works, and what the risk are which is nice since I hadn't been feeling very well informed before today. If anyone is interested in hearing about all this you can feel free to message me, I won't bore anyone who reads this with all the details ha. 

I will say that hearing the laundry list of possible risks and all the conditions that could cause it to be a no-go, I'm starting to wonder if an ECV is the best decision. It's a totally optional procedure and I can change my mind even during the ultrasound on Monday and they will just go ahead and schedule a c-section at 39 weeks.

I feel so alone though because I don't know anyone who has had a c-section. I don't have my friends up here that I can just call and meet up and talk things over with. When I ask Logan what he thinks, he says it's up to me. Which I love since I am the one facing major surgery, but it would be nice for a little input. I just feel like I have my first huge decision as a mom and I have no clue where to even start the thought process.

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Expect the worst and hope for the best

Something I should be use to as an Army wife, but not so much. I already knew before I married into the military and got pregnant that I'm not the best person at just letting go control. Despite knowing all too well that whatever will happen, will happen, I still insist on planning it down to the last detail and dealing our when that plan deviates.

I'm finding it very hard to let my mind accept that my birth plan can deviate this much from what I imagined. I was prepared for possible small interventions, especially if I broke down and decided to use an epidural. I, however, had never allowed for the idea of a c-section (Granted, if they came at me with the vacuum or forceps then I was prepared to choose a c-section over them but even that hasn't entered my mind as an actual possibility).

Now I'm facing a possible new reality. My little boy is currently sitting nice and happy in a footling breech position at almost 36 weeks. While this wouldn't be a huge deal since he still has time to turn, the hospital I'm delivering at had certain prosecuted they follow and we are nearing their deadline for baby to flip into a head down position. Tuesday I go in for another ultrasound to see if my little guy has changed positions. If not, they will try and manually rotate him into position.

I've been warned it can be a painful procedure, it can be time consuming depending on how stubborn the baby is, it could possibly not work, and it could potentially be risky to the baby. With that said, if he goes into distress I would be rushed for a c-section. If he doesn't flip, I could be scheduled for a c-section that day or within the week since my hospital absolutely will not vaginally deliver breech babies.

My son could be here some time next week, and not in a way I ever pictured. To say I'm scared is a little bit of an understatement. The thought of being cut open terrifies me, but in the end I obviously ultimately want my son here safely despite the risks to myself.

I'm hoping it doesn't go that way and that he will either flip on his own or allow them to flip, but I'm reminding myself that I need to start allowing for the possibility and preparing just in case.

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Can't sleep

First night of Logan being in the field for the JOAX. It sucks. Luckily it's a short field problem this time. The weather was awful today and we had tornado watches so I worried about him all day long. If I didn't keep busy I would start to play "what if" in my head about going into preterm labor while he's in the field and things along those lines. I'm ready for him to be out already and it hasn't even been 24 hours yet. They are suppose to let him come to the birthing classes on Tuesday and Thursday, which he should be out by Thursday. He got the nurse to write an official medical now saying he had to be there so they should let him go. Tuesday is the lamaze class and I would feel really awkward doing all that stuff without any kinda support person ha.

Anyways, mostly just rambling cause I don't want to sleep alone, even though I'm still alone whether I sleep or not...

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I don't know what to say when people thank me.

What are you thanking me for? For marrying the guy I love even though he’s in the Army? For sticking by his side even though he’s going to be gone for a year? For not cheating on him even though we’re going months without seeing each other? 

I don’t deserve praise for being a good significant other. I don’t deserve praise for loving my husband unconditionally. I knew what I was getting into. This wasn’t sprung on me. 

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The home stretch

It's officially the 9th so I'm officially 39 days from my due date, definitely safe to say we are in the home stretch now. Our little man will be here before we know it and I'm so anxious and scarred and excited and about 100 other things that it's almost got me feeling numb.

I cannot wait to hold my son for the first time, but more than that lately I have been so ready to watch Logan hold him for the first time. This whole experience has been so incredible to me and I can't begin to imagine how it's been for Logan. Some times he just seems so in awe of all of it and I have to remind myself that we are having two completely different journeys through pregnancy.

I can't begin to describe to him what it's like to carry our son, the God things our the bad. He will never know the pains I am or will feel, and he will also never know the feeling of his little kicks and twists. I have had almost 9 months to bond with Gunner in a way that Logan will never know and I am so excited to see him with Logan for the first time and all of it to be finally as tangible for him as it is for me every day.

Logan is so amazing with his nephew that I know he is going to be the most amazing father to our son and I can't wait for Gunner to arrive so we can start this journey together.

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"Is it okay to wear a shirt that says proud *branch* girlfriend/wife/fiancé" the answer is, yes.

I believe it’s okay because you will wear an overpriced shirt that says the word “hollister” or “Abercrombie” and etcetera, but you question is it okay to support the troops...

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UUUGGGGHHHH!

I'm getting to where I'm ready to not be pregnant anymore. Things got better for a couple weeks and I wasn't feeling sick all the time but it seems like as soon as I hit my third trimester, all those awful symptoms came back full force.

He has hiccups and kicks me in the ribs for almost an hour, then sleeps for a while, then it all starts up again... all day long. And he's getting big enough that the kicks are starting to hurt. He's getting long enough that when he stretches out he can punch me in the bladder and kick me in the ribs at the same time.

My hips hurt all the time. I can't get any relief whether I'm standing up, laying down, or sitting. I constantly have round ligament pain on the right side of my belly button, it's usually just a matter of how intense it is. The heartburn is awful and I'm starting to think I might have to get a stronger medicine at my next appointment. Oh and the headaches don't seem to go away now. I've cut back so much on my caffeine intake and only have any when I have to take my tylenol twice a day. Usually that will get rid of it, but now it just dulls the pain but it never completely goes away. I'm tired all day but come bed time, I can't fall asleep to save my life.

But... I know I'm gonna miss having him in there once he gets here.

Oh! And on top of that, Logan's grandma is going to be here either tomorrow, well today, or Saturday. I know she is gonna drive me crazy. I know she means well and that Logan is her only grandchild and therefore my baby is her first great grand kid but she is so over bearing. I'm afraid she is gonna come in our house and rearrange my house and try to tell me how to be preparing for my baby. I wish I was feeling better so I could fake my way through the day with her. The sickness and the hormones have gotten so much worse since the last time I saw her...

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My Chemical Romance → The Ghost of You

I never said I’d lie and wait forever If I died, we’d be together I can’t always just forget her But she could try