#shame herpes

[heartofhubris-a]

Would it be weird to call for the "glitter is craft herpes" joke to be retired?

[shezasag]

my friend just texted me bc apparently i haven't answered in a bit but i didn't even notice bc of my messages being wiped when i got my new phone so i told her i've been fucking out of it for a month bc of these abscesses being infected & she follows that up with her finding out she has herpes today

[somethingpositive4positivepeople]

SPFPP 319: Deal with it to Heal with it - with Jolene Hernandez

I am joined by my friend and "No Shame in this Game" documentary producer, Jolene Jo-Jo Hernandez for a very long overdue podcast episode recording. Jolene put a sign on that says "I have herpes, ask me anything" and wore it at . . . Washington Park, in New York City as part of a documentary she put together just with the intention of healing that thing that needed to be dealt with. In this episode, while you'll hear two people comfortable with their herpes statuses, understand that you are where YOU are in your journey and that is perfectly fine. Our goal here is just to nudge you a little further into the slight discomfort of seeing what you're prioritizing your diagnosis over instead of just living your life. You can connect with Jolene via email at noshameinthisgamefilm@gmail.com or

www.noshameinthisgame.com

Social Media: @noshameinthisgamefilm

[strang3lov3]

I saw what you said about Roman paying for reader’s virginity and that’s so fucking hot I don’t think I’ll be able to live normally until you post that hahahahahahahaha (in like a good way, not a pressuring annoying way hahahah). Love ya!

-🐀

“You don’t talk about it. Like, ever. You clam up and go all weird.”

“So?”

“So? I wanna know what that’s all about.”

“Nothing, Roman. I just…don’t like to talk about it.”

“Right.”

Roman watches you squirm and shift uncontrollably in your seat, sipping on your drink instead of meeting his gaze. He smiles at this.

“Is it herpes? It’s herpes. You know, there’s no shame in it.”

“No. Don’t be facetious.”

“You’re right. That’s my bad,” Roman apologizes, devoid of sincerity. “Are you saving it for marriage, maybe? Gonna give Mr. Right your most precious gift?”

You freeze. It’s not the truth but it’s not…not the truth. “…N-”

Roman scoffs, interrupting you. “Oh, you’re fucking shitting me! Virgin? You’re a virgin? Gross, oh my god,” he laughs, smiling at your flustered expression. You look tortured as a silence falls between you both, the only sound being the clinking ice in your glass as you use your stirrer to play with the melting cubes.

-

“Just the tip,” Roman offers, voice low as his hand touches your thigh, slowly sliding it up your skirt. “Gimme a number. Add as many zeroes as you want and it’s yours, if you just let me put the tip in. Hm? I’ll be gentle. Promise.”

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

Herpes anon here, just following up.

Thank you for the response, and similarly thank you to your followers for theirs.

And thank you for making it clear that folks with illnesses shouldn't be treated like biohazards. That is absolutely what I believe, and I promise the internalized anxiety about infecting others is not a statement about other people's value as human beings. More a label for myself to keep myself extra cautious so I never make anyone else go through what I did. I've acquired a refillable 7-day antiviral course for outbreaks, and if it gets annoying enough or I find myself with a regular partner, I'll be talking to my doctor about getting a daily antiviral prescription. I'm also keeping a little tube of topical antiviral medicine in my pocket now. Abreva, as recommended.

I talked to the person who infected me and they are going to be a lot more careful going forward, using protection for oral sex and such. Very cool of them. They just genuinely didn't think occasionally getting cold sores was something that needed to be disclosed in general. I just wish that weren't the norm.

I regret to inform your kind follower who recommended avoiding touching the sores that basically the first thing I did during the initial outbreak, before I realized what was happening, was spread the infection around. So, uh, first hand advice from a newbie I guess: Don't touch your cold sores, and think real hard about orally servicing your dildos before fucking them.

My research suggests that, without a daily antiviral, oral herpes is statistically transmissible on any given day with about a 10% chance, even without visible sores. And please correct me if that's wrong. The person I got mine from had an outbreak the following day, so I basically had an unlucky dice roll.

I guess the thing that troubles me about the literature about the infection I find is this rhetoric about it being so common. I worry that might encourage a mentality like the stuff that was popping up around covid: “If practically everyone has it, who cares about protecting people from getting it.” I think the message is meant to make the infected feel less vile/deviant, but it also sounds a lot like it could make the infected more careless and callous, you know?

About my incredibly troubling sense of needing to have sex with people to keep them around, I promise this incident has very much cured me of that stupidity – existential crisis style. Shame it took this to do it but it could've been a whole lot worse.

Thanks again,

Trying To Manage It Without Shame

hi anon,

I'm glad you're in such a better place!

re: your concerns equating herpes with COVID-19, I guess I'd answer that the main difference is that herpes is a virus that has been with us since the early days of human evolution that is, in the grand scheme of things, virtually harmless, while COVID-19 is a very new outbreak with a tremendous global body count.

so there is a little bit of a difference there!

glad to hear you're embracing the herpes-status without shame!

[preservationofnormalcy]

I have a question about werewolves/lycanthropy that started before I read the story (just based on the poster.) The story kind of touches on my question, but I'll ask it anyway for clarity.

So, the poster frames lycanthropy as a thing you Do Not Want to have. Is there some resentment toward this attitude by werewolves (or however you would call those people in-story)? Or do they agree/not mind?

Essentially, do werewolves in general think of lycanthropy as something they live with but would not want others to experience, or as a part of their personhood that shouldn't be shamed/dreaded etc.?

Sorry if I'm reading too much into this. I know these are fictional people. I also know that the answer, if there is one, is probably "It's complicated." Groups of people think differently about their own status. I myself am autistic and projecting a bit haha. (Autistic person vs. person with autism, werewolf vs. person with lycanthropy.)

I'm just curious about the intent of the author and what (if any) real world subjects your interpretation of lycanthropy is based on (eg. Herpes, as mentioned in the story.)

Thanks for tolerating my overthinking!

-Nick

I adore that someone thought about my writing for more than a moment, so I am happy to get any ask about it.

In-universe, it is the Office’s official position that abnormality of any kind is to be controlled and moderated, if not eliminated. As we saw in the Psychotronics program, that had exceptions based on imperial needs and wants. Over the near-century of its existence, it’s softened its position on already-existing abnormality among non-staff, as Jethro alluded to. Among staff, avoiding things like lycanthropy if you don’t already have it is standard, and so vaccinations and boosters are required. The posters say that because it’s the Office policy.

Among the abnormal population, it’s probably true that while people with lycanthropy do consider it part of their personhood, many of them understand the downsides enough to accept medical assistance in controlling the condition and spread. There are as you mentioned different opinions on it, but many afflicted people are warmed up to people like Jethro even if they aren’t too hot on the Office itself. It helps that Jethro is himself a man with lycanthropy.

However, both the average lycan and Office personnel understand that there’s a difference between assisting with the negative aspects of a specific condition and attempting to eradicate it, which was Office policy in the past. Eradicating a condition can be only a small step from eradicating a people.

On a level of authorial intent, I am careful not to draw a direct comparison between specific real life people groups and werewolves/lycanthropes. That’s been done in recent memory and I don’t think it turned out well for anyone. But I think I do draw some allusions to crimes and oppression the United States has perpetrated against different groups of people - not to make a statement about the people, but about the historic sins of America.

[georgieharrisons]

Shoutout to people with “embarrassing” chronic illness. People with recurring yeast infections, herpes, hiv, or bladder issues. People with chronic constipation, ibs, colostomy bags, or crohn’s. People with medications who cause these issues, cause sexual dysfunction or incontinance. People in constant pain who are also made to feel humiliated and shamed about the source of that pain. People who are afraid of sex or who are unable to fulfill sexual desires because of their condition. People who get told that no one wants to hear about their condition because it’s gross or should remain private or is their fault for being dirty/promiscuous/etc. Afab people who discover that this has been an issue for decades and no money has gone into researching it because no one cares about vaginal health. You deserve to be treated with dignity and have access to treatment.

[zalrb]

Yeah they absolutely do that to her in the books! They are MEAN to her lol like I do get she needs to be punished but they are just genuinely pretty awful to her even prior to that 😭 they softened them up for the show a lot.

But actually they softened up the girls a lot too. They are all pretty terrible a lot of the times in the books. ESPECIALLY Hanna - she slut shames, body shames, objectifies herself and other women, it’s very apt to when it was written 😭😭 I mean… all the girls are slut shamey and have that late 2000s/early 2010s internalized misogyny in them but Hanna the most of all lol

Spencer gives off the “I’m rich and smart and pretty and have a good pedigree behind me, therefore I’m better than everyone else” vibes

Aria & Emily ummm… sorry to say they’re about as bland as their show counterparts in a lot of ways. Aria gets uppity about being sooo different from what she calls the “typical rosewood boys/girls” & Emily is just kind of a pushover like she is in the show lol.

But separately & as a group they do wayyy worse things in the books than they do in the show. Here’s a couple book only plot lines we missed out on 😂

• Spencer becoming addicted to adderall in college, getting caught with it while with her roommate, and calling Hanna while at the police station to ask her to plant drugs in her roommate’s things so Spencer can put all the blame on her and get off. Hanna does it 😭

• Aria is dating Noel in the books and PUSHES a girl off a ski lift after the girl tells her she’s going to try and sleep with Noel (kinda relatable)

• Hanna tells a big group of people from school that her stepsister has herpes because she ASSUMED her stepsister was about to say something about her 😂😭

• become convinced a girl in Jamaica is somehow Alison even though she’s supposed to be very dead by that point and when the girl threatens them they push her off a cliff, she dies, and they don’t tell anyone

There’s way more but that’s just off the top of my head lol. Sorry for rambling but I’ve been rereading the books & it’s my special interest right now

I don't know why but the "Hanna does it" made me HOWL. But honestly, I would prefer this because it makes more sense when they're ALL terrible because it's like what I said in I think my first review or at least second where there may be a mean girl leader/queen bee, but the entire group is also mean, it's not one person emotionally terrorizing an entire group so reading these things has me like yeah, I can see why those girls would be friends with Alison because they suck!

[the-sappho-of-lesbos]

your personal posts are being screenshotted and reposted by viviennelamb

Thank you for letting me know, I really appreciate it. I just had a look. Jesus Christ the tags on that were a bit mean :(

I sadly don’t think there is much I can do since it’s the internet. But it would nice if they weren’t so mean about it Jesus Christ.

For one, shaming people for having herpes is just horrible and unnecessary, but for another I didn’t even have herpes I had strep throat.

My goodness.

I’m very sorry if I did anything to upset this person though.

Genuinely thank you for letting me know I really appreciate it. 🫂 I hope you have a nice day ♥️

[battleangel]

Why Cant I Be Naked Outside?

Ive been naked inside of my apartment all day for the past two days.

Im a full-time freelance podcaster.

What started out as pure laziness and a response to an arthritis flareup turned into a thought experiment:

What would happen if I went outside naked right now?

Why cant I go outside like this? Who am I hurting?

One of the biggest bullshit programming in American soeicty from the literal time we are "born" is you cant be naked outside.

Lifelong conditioning, programming, brainwashing and endless reinforcements.

And I literally cant walk outside right now naked without potentially being arrested, harrassed, assaulted, raped, abducted and/or killed.

The societal programming against public nudity is both conscious and subconscious, subtle and overt, transparent & hidden, embedded & obvious.

Why cant I go outside naked?

Bullshit automatic responses:

•Safety

•Hygiene

•"Public decency".

Lmao.

"Order & morality".

Big fucking yikes.

Why does the state have an "interest"?

Hygiene is such a crock.

The people who say omg!hygiene like the ones who commented my tiktok in my underwear are all full of shit.

The lie is vaginal discharge, menstrual bleeding and STIs (genital warts & herpes, etc) could potentially infect and/or transmit diseases, bacteria, germs, etc on public chairs, benches, seats, stadiums, etc if people werent wearing underwear.

So, they claim not wearing underwear is "unhygienic" therefore public nudity laws are necessary.

So, if I go outside in underwear that covers my butt and pussy and nothing else, were good to go right?

Ofcourse not, because there are topless laws for women.

Nipples are outlawed.

There isnt the slightest pretense about hygiene.

They just screech about "teh childrenz!" (who also have nipples btw) and "public decency" and they throw in a lie about how its "unsafe for women" when they would be the first ones out there raping the first woman who had her tits out.

Yeah, okay.

Its not about "morality", "order", "decency", "hygiene" or "safety".

Its about motherfucking control, repression, paternalism, the patriarchy, misogyny, sexualizing the female body, the contrived creation of the "forbidden" and the "taboo", its about making people hate their bodies, shame, repression, forced guilt, sex is bad, hiding the body, no confidence, never flaunting, women never owning their sexuality, Madonna/whore complex, virginity as a prized communal possession, virgin as status and trophy, women presenting themselves to men to be consumed, women presenting themselves as objects of desire, equating femininity with demureness and being ladylike with being pure innocent and virginal, female obsession with clothes hair makeup jewelry endlesd adornments plastic surgery dieting through othering their own bodied by keeping it hidden under bras underwears Spanx Skims undergarments girdles slips tights stockings skirts dresses jeans pants shorts corsets socks knee highs thigh highs, othering mystifying commodifying & pornifying the female body by keeping it hidden in real life from men until they lose their virginity and creating an environment where men depersonalize the female body and make it a vessel of their endless wet dreams and masturbatory fantasies.

If everyone was naked from jump street (we are but we dont stay that way), noone would give a shit.

Nudist colonies and beaches are like that, nudity is the everyday norm so noone reacts, cares, stares, points, ridicules, insults, harrasses, etc.

They all just go about their day at the beach, eating, shopping -- so then, why cant we all do that at non-nudist colonies & beaches?

Please.

They want the rapes, sexual assaults, molestation, sexual abuse, hebephilia, pedophilia, sex addictions and compulsions, sex disorders, repressions & traumas.

Its a tool of societal control to control the populace just like violence is.

US has the most violence per capita in the world.

Gun deaths, shootings, stabbings and murders.

It doesnt have to be this way.

They want it this way.

Why are my vulva, labia and nipples such a problem?

Why has my naked female body been so sexualized, otherized & dehumanized?

Why is a natural thing -- my naked female human body as is -- something that is met with such force, sexualized violence, oppression, repressed desires, rage, outrage, anger, terror, shock, revulsion, arrests, being killed while in custody, jailed, convicted, fined?

Why cant I just walk outside like this, fully naked, and check the mail all of two minutes away and then walk right back to my apartment without saying anything or interacting with anyone?

Why does my landlord care?

Why does the mailman care?

Why does the white stay at home Karen, her dry ass husband and Little Timmy and Madison care?

Why does the maintenance man at my apartment complex care?

Why do my three neighbors in my apartment complex -- all male and single -- one downstairs under me, one upstairs and one downstairs in the unit next to me care?

Why does the person walking their dog care?

Why does the doordash delivery driver care?

Why does the school bus driver care?

Why does a naked female body elicit such strong, visceral, ugly, vicious, violent, unhinged responses?

[writing-for-life]

People, times are stressful and I need fun, so I took on the honourable task (and I was only too gladly egged on) of curating Sandman sparkle content. What is that, you might wonder?

A subtle distinction is to be made between simple #sparkle content (also known as “Woah, he pretty/sexy/I totally would”), see here:

And #contraceptive sparkles/#glitter herpes (also known as either unhinged thirst or discussing the depths of eldritch procreation and means of contraception, or some unholy combination of both), see here, including the post that started it all:

At the end of the day though, just tag freely so it can be found. The odd bout of accidental glitter herpes combined with what should only be sparkly won’t hurt at all.

Clickable tags have been added to my pinned post/Sandman master list, and I shall henceforth be known as the curator of sparkle content™️ (I know no shame):

Spread the word far and wide, this stuff needs organised instead of showing up randomly in our feeds, right? And obviously feel free to peruse the tags whenever you see fit—the more easily discoverable sparkles, the better (add: reblogs don’t show up in tracked tags, so we need them in OPs. Alternatively, you can find every post I have tagged, reblog or not, via the search/featured tags of my blog and my pinned post)…

[drdemonprince]

IATA: In my early 20's, I had a roommate who had been my friend since middle school. I had just broken up with my bf of 7 years, and I was having fun dating / sleeping around for the first time. My roommate however, decided that my nonchalance toward my own break up was an affront to him personally (I wasn't bringing strange men around the house or into his space or anything, I was just out and about). He started non stop complaining and shaming me for my activities, and he started... Tossing my toothbrush out of its cup on the bathroom counter everyday?? Leaving it stray on the counter or straight up in the bathroom sink sometimes. Soooo.... I told him I had gotten an STI test done and that it had come back positive for herpes, and that he'd best stop touching my toothbrush lest he Contract The Disease. It worked!! He stopped messing with my toothbrush, and I found somewhere else to live without him a few months later lol.

def TA bc herpes is not a big deal and nothing to be disgusted at but also way to use this guys sexual hang ups against him anon!

[shoegayzebutch]

going through a herpes flare-up, which comes about every 6 months give or take. it feels more shameful than it should.

it was my first serious boyfriend who gave it to me, right as we started dating. i dont remember if he straight up didnt tell me he had it, or if he minimized how contagious it was when i didnt know any better. either way…it makes me feel marked. by a life ive left behind since coming out. by the expectations forced upon me.

and when i look in the mirror and those two sores on my lower lip look back, what i see is a spiderbite kiss of spiritual death. a remnant of a time when i treated my true self as an inconvenience - now a battle scar i wish i never had to get in the first place

[apocalypticavolition]

Let's (re)Read The Dragon Reborn! Chapter 11: Tar Valon

I'm a day later with this than I would have liked so I'm cutting the crap. This post has spoilers for almost everything Wheel of Time and should not be read by people who don't like spoilers. Thank you.

This chapter has the Flame of Tar Valon icon because it's about Tar Valon. Also let's all take one last chance to giggle at the map. Let's hope that the Ogier Grove isn't the metaphysical equivalent of a herpes sore.

A square of pikemen marched along the streets, ranks and files bristling like a carding comb, followed by bowmen in flat, rimmed helmets, with filled quivers riding at their hips and bows slanted across their chests. A squadron of armored horsemen, faces hidden behind the steel bars of their helmets, gave way to Verin and her party at a wave of their officer’s gauntleted hand.

It's rather ironic that Siuan's increasing the security of the island and its nearby villages in her last few months in office since of course absolutely none of them will be able to do anything about the real threat to the Tower once it arrives.

Just the same, the balding man seemed to be taking his time about making sure each one had a right to enter Tar Valon before he let them go.

Is this just the man's actual nature, or is it a sign that Mesaana has arrived in Tar Valon and is corrupting the populace?

They say there’s a new false Dragon out west somewhere. Why, they even say he has Artur Hawkwing’s armies, back from the dead, following him, and that he killed a lot of Whitecloaks and destroyed a city—Falme, they call it—in Tarabon, some say.

Frankly it's good that the truth is at least vaguely recognizable in this, when absolutely none of it IS true.

Things had changed, and not for the better. When she had left Tar Valon, any man who spoke against Aes Sedai would have been lucky to escape with a punch in the nose from whoever overheard.

Again, is this Mesaana's doing? If not, then what's got the people who have the least business hating Aes Sedai so negative? The Whitecloaks aren't that convincing... though perhaps the troube with Elayne after so much else has gone wrong or weird has people losing their patience.

If she ever returned to Emond’s Field—the “if” hurt, but she had to be honest—if she returned, it would be to visit, to see her parents.

She never does and I'm still a bit angry at Sanderson for it. Jordan would certainly have expected her to return at some point, if only to visit Perrin.

Great buildings and small, in stone of every color, looking like shells, or waves, or wind-sculpted cliffs, flowing and fanciful, captured from nature or the flights of men’s minds. The dwellings, the inns, the very stables—even the most insignificant buildings in Tar Valon had been made for beauty. Ogier stonemasons had built most of the city in the long years after the Breaking of the World, and they maintained it had been their finest work.

Jordan dedicates so much space to how beautiful the city is that I have to share a little of it. It's a shame we don't get to enjoy Tar Valon more.

“I always expect trouble,” Verin replied placidly, “and so should you. In the Tower most of all. You must all of you be more careful than ever, now. Your . . . tricks”—her mouth tightened for an instant before serenity returned—“frightened away the Whitecloaks, but inside the Tower they may well bring you death or stilling.”

Verin is doing her best to warn the girls about the Black Ajah within the confines of the three oaths she's sworn.

“I cannot waste a day, Verin Sedai. Not another hour. I must return to Shienar, to tell King Easar, and Lord Agelmar, the truth of what happened at Falme. I must tell them about—” He cut off abruptly and looked around.

Yes Hurin, if you don't make a mad dash north then how will the monarchs of the Borderlands spend seventy-two books abandoning their posts to fulfill the world's lamest prophecy?

He was only a man, and helpless as a babe when it came to facing whatever might await them in the Tower. Yet his leaving made their number one less, and she could never help thinking that a man with a sword was useful to have around. And he had been a link to Rand, and Perrin.

You never hear about stuff like this in the big Egwene hatedom lists, about how she misses Rand and Perrin so intently she'll cling on to some dude who is only a loose connection to them for the sake of feeling closer to them.

Verin was already riding through the gates as he spoke. She rode as if there were no hurry.

Verin knows there isn't a hurry. She knows Mat's ta'veren and that the Pattern is weaving itself around him. She probably would have been much more concerned if she was getting to Tar Valon and was under the impression that Mat still had days to spare instead of hours because that would suggest that the Pattern was going to find a way to use them.

As the horses were led away into the stable, Verin took the leather sack from Mat’s feet and tucked it carelessly under one arm.

And again we see the proof that Verin is an incredible actress who could fool the Black Ajah for decades. Any of the girls would hold the bag with fear and reverence and thus make it clear to anyone who came to them that the bag was important, but anyone who sees Verin with it will probably assume she found a bunch of old books in a ditch somewhere and had to read them.

“We did not—” Egwene began, but Verin cut her off with a sharp, “BE SILENT!” Verin stared at her—at each of the three of them—as if the intensity of her look could hold their mouths shut.

Objectively speaking, it can and it does.

“I suppose,” Verin said, “that the whole Tower knows we have returned by now?”

See what I mean? Moiraine is crazy for thinking Min can make an unremarkable entrance.

“Not a word, Verin Sedai said, and not a word shall it be. If one of you speaks—except to answer an Aes Sedai, of course—I’ll make you wish you had nothing but a switching and a few hours scrubbing floors to worry about. Do you understand me?”

I don't know if Sheriam knows Verin is Black - obviously the cell structure is meant to stop would-be Verins from dismantling the organization from within - but if she does she's probably being extra thorough to enforce her rule on the assumption that it's part of their evil scheming.

And you three, who have more ability born in you than I ever hoped to see in my lifetime, left the Tower without permission, ran away not even half-trained, like irresponsible children, stayed away for months.

It's a pretty shitty thing to do to these girls's reputation to try and pretend that the Black Ajah doesn't exist, and of course it soon becomes a completely pointless gesture anyway. The Light side's efforts to engage in shadows and secrecy never really come to much for some thematic reason or another, bar Moiraine's mostly offscreen quest.

“Give over, Faolain,” another of the Accepted said. The oldest of the three, she had a willowy neck and coppery skin, and a graceful way of moving. “I will take you,” she told Nynaeve.

Our first introduction to Faolain and Theodrin! Rather funny that Egwene will use them to justify her own policies, considering how they meet. I always thought they were gonna get involved in something bigger towards the end, but they stay relatively bit players and that's probably for the best.

Egwene returned Faolain’s stare with as much calm as she could manage, and, she hoped, a measure of the haughty, silent contempt that Elayne had adopted. Red Ajah, she thought. This one will definitely choose the Reds.

She chooses Blue.

Next time: A Siuan POV!

[tea-and-secrets]

Dear anon who wrote the ask about wanting a support group for their ADHD & herpes,

Your ask made me feel seen. It's so small and I doubt you even meant it but it made me feel less alone, even if for only a moment. I hope you're able to find a support group to fit your needs. Perhaps I should try to find one in my area too. We will learn to live without shame together, anon. I believe in you

-anon who posted the other ask about hating having herpes. Our asks were posted in succession

<3 !!

[okcomputeroknotok19972017]

got hit very suddenly today with the gut wrenching embarrassing nauseating soul crushing pain that i try to ignore most of the time related to being too disabled to follow my dream career. i'd wanted to be a veterinarian since i could first say the word. i have been extremely driven and focused on this career path for my entire life. things changed when i was 15. i know that if i become a vet i will kill myself. i will absolutely commit suicide. i have come close to the brink multiple times before and i've never experienced the pain of having to put down another person's animal with my own gloved hands. i couldn't become a vet, anyway. the depression and adhd and whatever the fuck is wrong with me makes my academic performance erratic. i would never even get into vet school, it's even ore exclusive than med school. i would probably use the rejection letter as a reason to hang myself.

i have settled for being a zookeeper because i'll only need my bachelors and i hopefully won't be put in the position where my work makes me wish i were dead. beeing a zookeeper will be physically exhausting and may break my body. i should give myself leeway. i am physically disabled. but the shame and embarrassment of not being able to become a vet makes it impossible for me to back down from the goal of working in a zoological facility. if i can't do that, i will have totally failed. my life up to that point will have been entirely meaningless. i will work until i collapse if that is what it takes. though a job in the herp department would certainly be easier and very appreciated. regardless. i keep failing at everything i try and everything i'm supposed to do. i keep breaking everything i touch. i don't know if i can ever be someone i want to be.