#seymour smooth i guess

[narratwoda]

I'm curious does anyone have any specific characteristics/traits they notice about the way I draw/my art style? I'm going to do a thing and I wanted to know.

[locution-youngster-enjoyer]

I have been secretly hiding most of my specific family related headcanons about Seymour

He’s a family man. His brothers may do the dumbest shit ever but he loves them. Seymour may call them stupid to their face, but he will kill someone if they try to pull the same thing. Those are HIS dumbasses, only he can call them such.

He’s a mama’s boy. If his mom is involved in a situation he melts. Just completely drops the smarmy bastard asshole persona and goes “omg hiiii mooommm :D.” It’s not like he’s manipulating her. His mom is fully aware that Seymour is massive menace at times, but he genuinely and unabashedly drops that and clings to her.

On the more negative side: none of this attachment applies to his dad. The dad is not in the picture. The family refuses to acknowledge this man because trauma. If you forced Seymour to say something nice about his dad, he’d probably only say “uh… he’s.. tall I guess?” (That’s pretty much the only resemblance Seymour has to his dad; his height and his nose. Otherwise, Seymour is almost and exact carbon copy of his mom looks wise.)

Another thing is that while he’s attached to his own family, Seymour couldn’t start a family on his own. Yeah he has Beau, but he could not raise a kid. He’s a bad role model, and he’d overthink how his actions could affect how the kid develops and behaves in the future, so he’d be terrified of fucking a kid up. It’s to the point he can’t hold a baby or small child without panicking. He just can’t handle the responsibilities. The MIHAW kids are different. They’re older, and their needs aren’t 100% Seymour’s responsibility. Plus, they aren’t his kids, Beau just lets them come over to the house when they feel like they need to.

[baranthedude]

I ranked every WordGirl Villain from Least Evil to Most Evil:

Now when i make list like this, i usally only have 3 categories, but i decided to add a 4th one, and that category is

Plain Old Mischef Makers:

Guy Rich - Guy Rich is the best, richest, and most colossal evil businessman...except he's 𝘯𝘰𝘵, he's just some guy who wants to be cool so he pretends to be this super cool villain with his brother, the only reason he's even on this list is cause TV Tropes counted him as a villain.

Timmy Tim-Bo - The stoner character without being a stoner, ok so all he does is sleep alot, he tried to rob the musiem, but that ended with a bust, and i don't even remember if he did anything evil after that, how is Amazing Rope Guy the worst villain when this guys around?.

Raul Demiglasse - He's just a jerk that likes to make people cry on live TV.

Glen Furlbalm - Dr. Two Brains' biggest and stupidest fanboy, he tries to be as cool as Two Brains, but he just ends up sucking, as both a replacement, and someone trying to get revenge.

Nocan the Contrarian - Nocan is interesting, as he does do damage, like when he became the mayor, but he doesnt seem to be malicous, he just likes not doing what he's told.

Amazing Rope Guy - I'm shocked he got this high, like i knew he wasint gonna be last, but this is very high for someone who's supposidly the least succsesful villain in the city, anyways yeah he attempts to rob people but sucks at it, atleast he's consistent?.

Big Left Hand Guy and Invisi-Bill - The gay couple, they also suck at robbing people, but they succeeded once atleast i guess.

Barely Evil:

Energy Monster - Maria just wants energy, like toasters and stuff, which doing so causes chaos, so like not good, but also not intentional.

The Butcher - Butcher is acutally kinda very sympathetic, he's one of the nicest villains, and his dad, is like awful, he's still a thief, but a tragic thief, speaking of villains with daddy issues.

Victoria Best - Yeah she's the same as The Butcher, a villain with a abusive dad that let's their anger out by being evil, but this time Victoria's a bitch.

Ms. Question - Ms. Question is just your standard thief with cool powers, her powers arent even that damaging, they just make you forget for like a minuite or two, oh and her relationship with Brent is cute.

Lady Redundant Woman - Not much to say as she's also kinda just a standard thief i guess, she's more abrasive? i don't know.

Royal Dandy - Not the child being ranked worse then their mum, anyways the Royal Dandy is very annoying, and framed WordGirl or something i don't know, can we get to the cool villains now?

Eileen the Birthday Girl - Yeah, she's umm, a whiny girl, that likes to destroy, but isint like, inheritly bad?, eh.

Neutral Evil:

Granny May - Granny May does some adcanced theivery, she also framed WordGirl, and also captured her, there is a reason that shes the announcer of the Association of Villains.

Captain Tangent - I forgot why i put him this high.

Steve McClean - I was tempted to put him above Two Brains, but that would be stupid, anyways this guy straight stole an elephant among other things, he also has the voice of a pedophile.

Seymour Orlando Smooth - I originally had him in Plain Old Mischef Makers, but then i realised that what he did in "Fortune Crookie" was kind of creating a cult, so i put him up here, he also kidnapped Beau Handsome.

Kid Potato - The Butcher's dead-beat dad, everyone dislikes him, he just sucks, yada yada.

Leslie - Mr. Big's assistant, she helps him in his evil plans, no matter how 𝘴𝘵𝘶𝘱𝘪𝘥 they are, but she never really does anything on her own except in "Leslie Makes It Big", and only cause Mr. Big thought she couldint, NOT cause she's malicous herself, NOT Francis Mallmann.

Tobey - Tobey McCallister III, 𝘸𝘩𝘰'𝘴 𝘢 𝘤𝘰𝘭𝘥 𝘰𝘭𝘥 𝘨𝘦𝘦𝘻𝘦𝘳, 𝘵𝘳𝘺𝘯𝘢 𝘱𝘢𝘺 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘢 𝘝𝘪𝘴𝘢, ‘𝘨𝘢𝘪𝘯𝘴𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘮𝘦𝘯 𝘸𝘩𝘰 𝘴𝘪𝘻𝘻𝘭𝘦 𝘮𝘰𝘳𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘯 𝘱𝘦𝘱-𝘱𝘦𝘱-𝘱𝘦𝘱𝘱𝘦𝘳𝘰𝘯𝘪 𝘱𝘪𝘻𝘻𝘢! i think im going insane, anyways Tobey's whole deal is that he makes robits and has a crush on WordGirl, his crush on WordGirl is nice, except in "Go Gadget Go", that was fucked, something else that is fucked is the possible amount of people he killed with his robits.

The Coach - Bro litteraly runs a school about teaching villains how to be evil, also in the episode "The Robot Problem" he proves he sucks more then Tobey when he steals one of his robits.

Chuck the Evil Sandwich Making Guy - You may be thinking to yoursef "how can Chuck be so high? he's suck a cutie" and yeah, he is, but still has a giant crusher that he uses frequently, and straight up tried to turn the town into a sandwhich in "Chuck with a Sidekick of Brent", his niceness is why he isint any lower.

Rhyme and Reason - The final villains of the series, their only this high cause Rhyme nearly destroyed the city out of sadness and anger, other then that they are just thieves.

"Pure Evil":

Hal Hardbargain - Yes, i'm shocked he's this high too, but he litteraly sells villains weapons, and unlike The Coach, he's succsesful, there is a good argument to be made that he sold some villains their stuff, as he is shown to have useful weapons, he only helps WordGirl cause he wants to swindle more people.

The Learnerer - He's canonicallyly a murdererer, by that i mean he destroyeded the Royal Dandy just to learn art's parts, otherer then that he's just a thief, but that one kill gives him a very high boost, he's also voiced by Weird Al, who has a history of cuttinging people's arms and legs off with a chainsaw and bittinging people in the jugularar vein.

The Whammer - His whole character trait is destroying stuff, he once tried to wham every single city in the world, yeah he's an idiot, but a evil idiot.

🥉Dr. Two-Brains - The main villain arguably, he has attempted to turn the town into cheese multiple times, almost caused the cheeseteroid to wipe out half of Fair City, Nearly condemed time to stop forever all so his cheese doesn't expire, and teamed up with Mr. Big, he's still tragic and helpful to WordGirl at times, but there is a reason he's number 1 in the city, but not on this list.

🥈Mr. Big - Why does Mr. Big have a differant vibe then all the other villains, anyways Mr. Big likes to mind control people, mostly for petty reasons, like in "WordGirl Makes a Mistake" where he mind controlled the entire fucking world just to get his casserole dish back, also in "Invasion of the Bunny Lovers" he tried to mind control the world with Two Brains for fun, and to get swish cheese from acutal Swish... people.

🥇Miss Power - Was there any doubt? she has taken over multiple planets, bullies multiple villains, threw multiple people in jail, tried to kill Two Brains, and was probably gonna kill everyone else, possibly even commiting fucking genocide on humans, and again this isint the first time, she's done this before, and maybe still does (i like to headcanon that her humliation on Earth weakend her greatly and now is harder for her to take over planets), oh and she bullied Exposition Guy aswell, TV Tropes litteraly describes her as a "murderous intergalactic dictator"...𝘪 𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘴𝘩𝘪𝘱 𝘗𝘭𝘢𝘴𝘮𝘢 𝘙𝘰𝘱𝘦.

Yeah...i probably put Hal too high.

[snickerzanddoodlez]

Pitched the “Wordgirl as Musicals” animatic a while ago, and got a positive reception~

So something I tried to do was make a brief list of each musical used and which characters used a song from each musical (as my original goal was to only use one song from any given musical. This didn’t work out, which is fine, but I wanted to make sure I at least didn’t overuse anything!)

But then I realized…why not post this? If you’re a theatre nerd, feel free to guess which villain is gonna use each song ;)

Things to Note!

-Any characters with a “/“ in between them instead of a comma means they’re in the same animatic!

-I only plan on using a snippet from each song!

-I tried to avoid being fan-service-y and instead choose songs that I thought fit the canon versions of the characters!

-I tried to find one for every SUPERVILLAIN, even if they were one-offs, as long as I felt they were memorable. (Chazz is the exception, anyone who follows me knows that we have feelings on Chazz here). However, if they aren’t on the list I will still accept suggestions!

ALSO: I couldn’t think of a musical for The Butcher, so suggestions welcome! I also accept suggestions for Nocan the Contrarian and Rhyme and Reason :) and anyone else not on the list.

Beetlejuice - Dr. Two Brains

Hamilton - Wordgirl / Kid Math

Ride the Cyclone - Victoria Best

Something Rotten - Glen Furlblam, Raul Demiglass

Chicago - Lady Redundant Woman, Amazing Rope Guy, Seymour Smooth, Granny May

Mean Girls - Miss Question

Goosebumps - Hal Hardbargai

Be More Chill - Learnerer / Amazing Rope Guy

Bonnie & Clyde - Mr. Big / Leslie

Waitress - Tobey

Heathers - Miss Power

Spongebob - Ensamble, Chuck, Captain Tangent

West Side Story - Chazz

Dick Tracy - Eileen

Legally Blonde - Coach

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Royal Dandy

Little Shop of Horrors - Whammer

Annie Get Your Gun - Big Left Handed Guy / Invisi-Bill

[kaspenhoward]

An emotional day at the queens home:

Catalina: [Walks into the living room]

Catalina: . . .

Catalina: [Deep sigh of disappointment]

Catalina: Jane?

Jane sniffling on the couch: Yes Lina?

Catalina muttering under her breath: I’m so gonna regret asking..

Catalina: Why is everyone gathered in the living room in a cuddle pile crying?

Cathy, eyes rid rimmed but trying to be aloof, speaking up in place of the now crying Jane: Great question. Anne read a book about her and Elizabeth. Jane took a nap with Kat and they both had night terrors. And someone on the street insulted Anna and she’s now feeling insecure.

Catalina: [Crosses her arms and waits for Cathy to say why she’s upset]

Cathy: [Absolutely clueless]

Kat lifting her head off from Janes shoulder: Anne is emotional and Cathy feels bad about the whole Thomas Seymour stuff, now she thinks she’s a bad person even though we reminded her we all did what we had to survive back then.

Cathy: Kat! I was hoping we’d skip that.

Kat: If we have to be open with our emotions so do you! Speaking about that.. [Looks at Catalina for a scary 15 seconds] Your hair is slightly disheveled, your eyeliner is shaky, and you didn’t smooth the wrinkles out of your shirt. Something’s bothering you, what is it?

Catalina, slightly flabbergasted: What- I-

Kat: [Eyebrow raise]

Catalina:

Catalina: Fine! I miss Mary. Even though she did those things, I can’t help but miss her-

Anna: Alright, into the cuddle pile! We cry in of it, not out of it.

Anne: Never said it better! Get over here Lina, you give great hugs and I want them!

Jane: Never a truer statement.

Cathy: I double that.

Anna: Triple that!

Catalina: You guys are lucky I love you all.

Anne: Stop being a liar, you enjoy this.

Catalina: [Now cozily cuddled up with her family] Fine. Maybe I do.

Jane a little less teary: Should we go around and talk about our fe-

Anne cutting her off purposefully: YOU GUYS FAMILY MOVIE NIGHT!!

[Everyone else frantically and quickly agrees]

Jane: -elings. [Sigh] Oh well. I guess that answers my question.

[your-pal-nebula]

The Ultimate Showdown but it's the WordGirl Villains (Parody)

-----

Mariah The Energy Monster was hopping around Fair City like a big playground

When suddenly Twobrains bursted from the shade and hit Mariah with a rat grenade

Mariah got pissed and began to attack

But didn't expect to be blocked by Chuck

Who proceeded to pull out his condiment gun

When LRW came out of the blue

And she started beating up Chuck TESMG

Then they both got flattened by Twobrains' van

But before he could make it back to his lair

Royal Dandy popped out of his grave

And took an AK-47 out from under his crown

And blew Twobrains away with a rat-a-tat-tat

But he ran out of bullets and he ran away

Because WordGirl came to save the day

This is the ultimate showdown

Of ultimate destiny

Good guys, back guys, and explosions

As far as the eye can see

And only one will survive, I wonder who it will be

This is the ultimate showdown...

Of ultimate destiny.

Mariah took a bite out of Tobey's robots

And then LRW came back covered in a tire track

But Mr. Big jumped out and landed on her back

And Twobrains was injured and trying to get steady

When The Butcher came back with a machete

When suddenly something caught his leg and she tripped

Leslie tripped her with a whip

Then she saw Mariah sneaking up from behind

And she reached for her gun, which she just couldn't find

Cuz' Twobrains stole it and he shot and he missed

And Victoria deflected it with her fist

Then she jumped in the air and did a sumersault

While Tobey tried a pole vault

Onto his robots, but they collided in the air

Then they both got hit by Miss Power's laser stare

This is the ultimate showdown

Of ultimate destiny

Good guys, bad guys, and explosions

As far as the eye can see

And only one will survive, I wonder who it will be

This is the ultimate showdown...

Of ultimate destiny

Angels sang out in immaculate chorus

Down from the heavens

Descended Rhyme and Reason

Rhyme delivered a kick

Which could shatter bones

Into the chest

Of Miss Power

Who fell over on the ground, writhing in pain

As WordGirl changed back into Becky

But Rhyme and Reason saw through her clever disguise

And Rhyme crushed her head between her thighs

And Ms. Question

And Glen Furlblam

And Granny May

And The Coach

And Raul Demiglasse

And Invisi-Bill

And Eileen The Birthday Girl

And Big Left Hand Guy

And Chazz

And The Learnerer

And Amazing Rope Guy

And Seymour Orlando Smooth

And Nocan the Contrarian

And all the other villains I guess

All came out of nowhere lightning fast

And they kicked Rhyme and Reason in their best friends ass

It wss the bloodiest battle the world ever saw

With civilians looking on in total awe

The fire raged on for a century

Many lives were claimed, but eventually

The champion stood

The rest saw their better

Violet Heaslip in a bloodstained sweater.

-----

[mechidraws]

THEY’RE KISSING IN THE CLOSET. KICK THEM OUT

[oh-wow-its-wordgirl]

i spent. too long on this. ive had this idea in my head since like march and only got around to it now

[ninjastormhawkkat]

Two-Brains forgets for te Mousebraingirl AU?

I almost forgot to send the ask, I'm sorry.

So for this episode things change for the bbau. As I mentioned before I usually exclude this episode for the bbau because it won't work most of the time. But now it can.

So a villain, let's do Seymour Orlando Smooth for this one, buys a special listening gadget (like the one canon Dr. Two Brains uses) to listen in on the city's citizens. He uses this device for the purpose of creating a new game show called "Let Seymour guess your secrets to win stuff" (The people won't realize that it is Seymour who wins the money - the stuff - when he guesses correctly.) Seymour's brothers end up fiddling with the machine which makes them end up hearing stuff going on in the lab of Steven and Jenkins. Seymour can recognize the voice but due to the static, the voice tones between Jenkins and Steven sound mixed together. When Seymour realizes its Wordman's voice he hears. He tries to listen in, then he hears Dr. Jenkins name and assumes this James Jenkins is Wordman. Then he and his brothers kidnap the two scientists and monkey in the lab. Seymour appears by surprise and blinds the two with his dazzling smile while his brothers tie them up and take them back to the game show lair.

There Seymour begins his new game to reveal Jenkins as Wordman. He calls it "Wordman's No Win Challenge" The rules of the game are that Jenkins has to transform into Wordman to save Steven's life who is about to get hit with an amnesia ray that Seymour conned an inventor out of. Jenkins looses either way. If he doesn't save Steven then he gets hit and if he does, his identity will be exposed on television and he ends up getting hit with the ray if he tries to save Steven. A loose loose except for Seymour. One problem with this plan. Seymour didn't know that Steven was Mouse's dad. Cue one busted down wall and one angry Mousebraingirl who brought her henchmen along to beat Seymour and his brothers down to a pulp as well as to rescue her dad and Jenkins. So a fight between villains breaks out. Steven is able to sneak away and escape while everyone, including those on TV are distracted. Soon Wordman enters the fray and Mouse calls him out and yells at him that he is some hero if he was so late trying to rescue her dad and Jenknis. Wordman sincerely apologizes to Mouse and says he got distracted with a man stuck in a well but he was able to get her dad and Bob out before he came back to rescue Jenkins. He does his cold and gritty spiel to Seymour how he is going to take him and his brothers down hard or maybe let Mousebraingirl deal with them since she is really peeved at the villain now. Seymour, now realizing Jenkins isn't Wordman and panicked about the situation, tries to shoot the beam at Wordman to make him have amnesia. Wordman deflects it quickly with Seymour's wheel and it causes the beam to ricochet in the studio. Mouse grabs her henchmen and takes cover while Wordman and Huggy grab Jenkins and do likewise. It ends up hitting Seymour and his brothers who get amnesia for a while. Wordman tells Mousebraingirl he will take Jenkins, Bob, and her dad home and come back to take them to jail. Mouse threatens Wordman that her dad and Jenkins and Bob better come back safe or she will give the hero heck as well. Wordman is touched inside by how much his daughter cares. So after Mouse takes her henchmen out of their, Wordman quickly takes the amnesiac villains to jail and he and Jenkins and Bob home. Mouse greets them home and says she was so worried about them. Steven tells Mouse he and Jenkins are grateful about how Mouse came to save them and Bob and Mouse admits it kind of felt good for some reason but she only will do "hero stuff" if her friends and family are in danger. Steven has a brief sad smile before hugging her and saying he understands yet he is still proud of his little hero/villain.

@drtwobrainsstuff

@melodythebunny

[twistedtummies2]

What are your thoughts on the Twisted Wonderland casts doing Little Shop of Horrors

(whistles) That's a hard one, Anon. Let me see... So, first of all, let's address the true star of this show, Audrey II, the man-eating plant. Putting aside all kinky thoughts (hey, look at my pen name, you know who you're asking), I imagine the plant would still be played by a puppet, if we're talking a stage production at the school. So, who would voice the Mean Green Mother from Outer Space? Well, I USUALLY try to avoid casting the staff members, unless otherwise dictated, but...in this case, I cannot resist. I would say, without question, it would have to be Sam. Sam is the PERFECT casting for the voice of Audrey II: the plant is supposed to have this smooth, lusty, powerful, Southern-accented voice, and is a manipulative creature, very Mephistophelean in nature. I can think of no character who has both those qualities EXCEPT for Sam. He's based on Dr. Facilier, he HAS to play Audrey II. If you tied me to a chair and DEMANDED I cast a student, however...I guess either Jamil or possibly Idia. In the latter's case, I think it could be funny, because Idia finally has a role where he doesn't actually have to be seen by the audience at all. And he can use his tech savvy to doctor his voice, if needed, to make it sound better. No one would ever realize it was him. ;) The Prefect would play either Seymour or Audrey (the human, not the plant). I'm not sure which I prefer, so I'll also give each one a character alternate. For Seymour...hmmm...well, to be honest, Idia has the closest personality of anyone there, but I HIGHLY doubt you could drag him onstage. I'm gonna say Deuce, and Epel for Audrey. I know I use those two A LOT for these types of roles but...I'm sorry, they just seem to work VERY well for these kinds of relationships. Maybe it's because of their own relationship in-game, I dunno. Next, our secondary antagonist, Orin Scrivello. Orin is a real toughy to cast, because he's sort of like the Joker: he's a pure evil monster, a sadistic girlfriend-abusing cad who does what he does just because he enjoys it. He legitimately "gets off," without putting a finer point on things, on causing people pain and discomfort. But he's so enthusiastic and has such a great sense of humor about him and the situations he's in, it makes him an entertaining character. On the other hand, unlike the Joker, he's not especially flamboyant or superficially childish. In fact, despite his title of doctor, he's kind of a bullying thug. I narrowed it down to two options: Floyd Leech and Leona Kingscholar. Both of them have pretty sadistic edges to their characters, and both would look good in a leather jacket. (Ha Ha Ha.) Floyd, I think, has Orin's more "psychotic" side down pat; he's the one I can see as more likely to gleefully sing about his own evil. On the other hand, I think Leona has the more domineering, thuggish edge Orin has down pat. So I guess it depends on which you think works best for your interpretation of the character. The only other major character of note (I'm not counting the Chorus, because I kind of imagine them just being played by Faceless characters) is Mr. Mushnik, the owner of the flower shop. If we're casting staff, I kind of want to put Crowley in that role. Mostly because Crowley and Mushnik have some similar qualities, in my opinion. Both are kind of loveable scumbags. XD If we stick to a student, I'll say Azul. Because he's just always easy to use in "businessman" type roles. :P

[jurijurijurious]

So I went to London on Saturday to see the stage adaptation of “The Mirror and the Light”. I really enjoyed it, I thought it was well performed and staged. I liked the book anyway so it was cool to see it brought to life in the theatre. 

What stood out? The scene changes, omg! So smooth and clever! The play started at the end which was a good shout, excellent choice to have Cromwell in his cell and a lot of the principal characters are introduced, the enemies, the ones who have betrayed him, the ones who stand by him, and you get sent back to the beginning when his orange coat is discussed - something incongruous and light-hearted which takes you back to the character’s peak. (I really can’t explain the scene changes but people just waltz around, move props, shift in shadows, continue conversations. Oh it was good! The blocking must have been insane!)

All the cast were good in their roles. Ben Miles reprised the role of Cromwell from the previous productions a few years ago of “Wolf Hall” and “Bring Up the Bodies”. He also adapted the script for this one; I believe he’s good friends with Mantel. He makes an imposing but likeable and even fallible figure; I also think one concentrates on him more, if that’s the right word, because he’s not presented as the stout stern man we see in his famous portrait? (I can’t explain exactly what I mean, maybe you understand what I’m getting at?) Plus it’d be hard to make Miles into classic Crumb, I guess, as he’s so tall and fine. 

Nathaniel Parker also reprises his role from the previous plays and is King Henry. Perfect casting, he has the presence, the voice, the build and gusto to play the role. He’s affable, changeable, frightening and infuriating.

I was also pleasantly surprised and actually pleased to see Anna of Cleves played with such sass! It’s a while since I read the book so I can’t recall whether this is from the text or whether it was more a decision of director/actor, but it was so refreshing! She was bright, strong and brilliant.

There were many of what seem to be recurring stereotypes. Jane Parker was the classic weasel but not overused and actually played quite sympathetically so it didn’t bother me overtly, though I look forward to the day when we see someone dare to break her character myth. Gardiner was thoroughly dislikeable which I’m not sure is a complete exaggeration - there was an amusing scene where Gardiner’s arrival is announced and the entire company on stage groan in unison, really fun. Charles Brandon was comic relief - maybe not completely fair to him but the dynamic worked for laughs. It could be worse.

The play used the “ghosts” which Cromwell intermittently converses with in the book really nicely. We see his father and Wolsey the most, and at one point briefly we see Thomas More. Really useful to help us get inside Cromwell’s head and also touch base with what has gone before. There was also a great bit (which I’m pretty sure isn’t in the books, I could be wrong) where the court is dancing and basking in general frivolity in the foreground, and across the back of the stage we see Wolsey frolic one way, then he goes back the other, each time basked in the red light which heralds his presence. It tinged the levity of the court with unease, a reminder that the good times never last; that the mighty fall; that the dead are waiting for you to join them.

I really liked how minimal the set was, too, great choice - just plain walls and a metal scaffold type structure hanging from the ceiling. Props and furniture came and went where needed and the use of light was excellent. The scaffold also slowly began to descend toward the end of the play, encroaching on the stage and on Cromwell’s life.

The play also used singing to great effect, particularly at the passing of Jane Seymour. Wow the ensemble had beautiful voices, the male ensemble sent chills down my spine!

I don’t really have any big criticisms; I was engaged - which I’m not always - and I really enjoyed it. The time flew by. Of course you’re not getting history, you’re getting a fictional version of it, but then I hope people know that already. I think perhaps the only thing I’d hoped was to feel more panic and terror at Cromwell’s execution - but that’s maybe too big an ask. His downfall is so quick, so sudden, so very typical of Henry VIII, it kinda made me feel a bit sick reading the book. I’m at an age I think where I experience existential dread more regularly than I used to and things like this, the thought that suddenly you are trapped and everyone is against you and you’re going to die soon, can trigger those thoughts and feelings, Still, I felt sorry for him at the end, even if he perhaps didn’t wholly deserve the sympathy.

The play runs until the end of the year at the Gielgud in London and it’s worth a look if you’re n the area. I wonder if it’ll ever go to Straford as I think the RSC’s theatres there would make it a much more intimate experience but, we’ll see. I’d certainly go again.

[janeyseymour]

Home Stopped Being a Place When You Entered My Life

@menstruating-sloth , this is for you. I know it’s late... and I’m not even sure I used to right prompt, but you asked for fluff 5, and this is what was born. I hope you enjoy.

It was almost instant that Jane Seymour and Katherine Howard formed an almost inseparable bond. The moment that the two locked eyes in that rehearsal room a few years ago, the third and fifth queen knew they were going to fill the holes in their lives. For Katherine, she would have a mother figure. For Jane, she would have a child. 

Hiding away from the eyes that were bound to follow them at the first meeting for SiX was the best decision the two had ever made. From then on, the blonde had often invited the youngest queen to her house. Katherine accepted every time.

“Just know that it’s a house filled with warmth, love, and a nice home cooked meal any time you’d like to stop by,” she would tell the fifth queen lovingly before quickly addressing the rest of the queens with an offhanded, “You’re all more than welcome to join us as well. It’s always a house full of love.” While it was heartfelt and she truly meant it towards the others, the way she expressed it to the pink haired monarch was different- in a good way. 

--

A few months into the run of the musical, Jane had posed a question to the youngest of the queens.

“Hey Jane?” Katherine asked quietly as she removed her makeup from that night.

“Yeah?” the blonde answered as she removed her false eyelashes. “What’s up love?”

The fifth queen took a deep breath before speaking lowly, “I know you mentioned that you had done some painting in your apartment. The smell of the paint always gives me a headache, so I was wondering if you wanted or needed a place to stay?”

Jane froze in her spot. This was the first time the younger queen had even mentioned her place. 

Katherine took one glance at the third queen’s stunned look before quickly adding on, “Of course if you don’t want to, I totally understand. I just thought that it’s Friday, and you usually invite me over. I didn’t want to turn you down, but I also completely understand if you don’t want to stay at my place. It’s kind of a cr-”

“That’s very kind of you dear. I would love to come back to your home with you if you’ll have me.” Jane unfroze and pulled the girl into a side hug, kissing her hairline gently.

“It’s not much of a home,” Katherine muttered to herself.

“What was that love?” The older queen heard the mumbles but couldn’t quite make out what the fifth queen had uttered.

“Oh it was nothing.” The pink queen shrugged.

The two entered the dark and dingy apartment that Katherine called hers. Despite the fifth queen’s apartment being an almost exact copy of Jane’s but on a different floor of the apartment complex, it was the absolute opposite of what the elder had done with her living space. 

“Well,” Katherine sighed. “Welcome to my humble abode. Sorry there’s not much.”

“It’s simple. I like it,” Jane complimented. In reality, all the third queen could think about was how different it was from her apartment just a few floors above. Where Jane had filled her space with elegant couches, throws, carpets, and trinkets, Katherine had a musty rug that had been there since before she signed the lease along with a secondhand couch that she had found at a garage sale a few weeks into being reincarnated. Where Jane had filled her house with warm lights and the delicious smell of whatever she was whipping up in the kitchen, Katherine had a single lamp in each room and the smell of cigarettes from the woman who lived next to her.

“You don’t have to stay if you don’t want to. I’d understand. My... place isn’t quite what yours is,” Katherine admitted sheepishly, a tint of red flushing on her face. 

“Nonsense love. I don’t mind a bit so long as I’m here with you.”

That night the two spent their evening splayed out on the drab couch with the pink queen’s laptop propped up on their legs. It would be the first and last time Jane Seymour entered that apartment.

--

Long gone were the days of Jane inviting Katherine to her apartment. The fifth queen could barely say she lived on her own seeing that almost nightly she was in the third queen’s living space. Not that Jane minded- she quite liked having the younger woman to dote on. 

It took a while, but Katherine had found herself at ease asking Jane if she would mind her coming to her apartment for the night. Jane never denied her, staying true to her word of offering a house filled with warmth, love, and a nice home cooked meal, nor would she. Most nights, the two followed their routine of driving home together, Katherine making her way to her apartment to change out of her street clothes and into pajamas while Jane began whatever was for dinner that night. If the fifth queen could help, she would assist in the making of supper- despite Jane’s protests.

“It’s really okay love. I enjoy cooking for you,” the blonde would say.

“I just, you already do so much.”

“Well, if you’d really like to help,” Jane would dramatically sigh and hand her the cutting board to finish the vegetables.

The duo often found themselves curled up on the couch together, more than happy to watch whatever reality television show was on that night. Katherine would almost always fall asleep first, being lulled to sleep by Jane’s soft breathing along with the gentle fingers stroking her hair. When she was ready, the third queen would gently call her name and take her to the spare room within the apartment.

“Kat? Lovey? I reckon it’s time we start heading to bed for the night,” Jane would whisper quietly so as not to scare the young queen awake.

The fifth queen would sleepily open her eyes, untangle herself from the blonde’s hold around her and mumble something about, “I guess I should get going back to my place.”

Each and every time, the third monarch would stifle a laugh before ensuring her company that she was more than welcome to stay if she wished. Katherine would never refuse. 

--

Katherine had brought her mail up to the blonde’s apartment when she noticed a letter from the owner of the apartment complex.

“What’s wrong, love?” The older queen paused her stirring of the soup that she had put on the burner when she got a glance at the wrinkled expression on Kat’s face. 

“Rent is going up- by a lot,” the fifth queen couldn’t keep the tremble in her voice at bay. The rent was going up by a significant amount, and she wasn’t quite sure how she was going to be able to keep her apartment. Sure, being in a starring role in one of the most popular musicals at the time was decent money, but it certainly wasn’t enough for her to maintain keeping the key to the place she would have to retreat to if Jane wasn’t there for a night. 

“By how much?” Jane frowned, the creases in her forehead growing deeper. The woman dressed in pink silently made her way across the room and let the blonde take a look for herself. “Oh my,” she whispered, now understanding why Katherine was so upset. 

“I-I don’t know if I’ll be able to keep my apartment,” the fifth queen confessed sadly. It wasn’t so much the thought of losing her place, but it was that she enjoyed being able to run up a few flights of stairs to the silver queen’s home. No place would ever be home if it wasn’t with Jane.

“Oh darling,” the third queen lowered the heat, allowing the vegetables to simmer before pulling the younger woman into a loving embrace. 

“Shit,” Kat cursed quietly. “I don’t want to lose my apartment.”

At that, Jane looked at the girl in her arms curiously. “Can I ask why love? It’s not like you’re there often.”

The pink haired queen allowed herself to look embarrassed before slowly extracting herself from the third queen’s grasp. “It’s just-” she twisted her fingers together, a nervous habit she had always done. “-I like my apartment being so close to yours. It’s... nice. If I have to move away...” she worried a lip through her teeth, not quite sure how to word this for fear of scaring off the only person who had ever shown her maternal warmth. “...What if I don’t see you as often? Or,”

“Love,” Jane chided gently, forcing the younger woman to look at her. When Katherine looked at the woman standing in front of her, she noticed that she wasn’t the only one who looked worried.

“What’s wrong Jane?” The pink haired queen began to fear the worst: that she had said something that overstepped the one boundary the two might have. 

“I,” The woman in grey took a deep breath. “I don’t want to scare you with this love. And I completely understand if you do not want to or have hesitations and my feelings won’t be hurt, I promise. But, you’re hardly in your apartment at all anyways, and I really love always having you around. How would you feel about moving in together?”

The third queen knew she was pushing a boundary that had never really been talked about. Afterall, the woman before her had only ever offered to show her around her apartment before. Perhaps there was a reason for that. What she wasn’t ready for was for the younger girl who had just left her hold to come flying back into her arms with such force that she felt her back hit the countertop with a quiet thud followed by a whispered with baited breath, “Are you being serious?”

“Of course I’m being serious love.” She pressed a quick kiss to the pink haired girl’s temple, but she put as much love as she could into it.

“If you’re sure, then I would love to live with you.” The youngest queen wrapped her arms around the blonde even tighter.

“Well, we will have to discuss this more in depth later, but right now, why don’t we settle in for a night of “Love Island” and some soup?”

That night, not much else was discussed about the housing situation. The night did end with Jane all but carrying the sleepy Katherine Howard into the bedroom that Jane thought of as Kat’s.

“Goodnight sweetheart, I’ll see you in the morning, yes?” She smiled softly as she smoothed some of the loose hairs out of the young girl’s face.

Kat nodded gently, already half asleep before letting the words slip out of her mouth without any thought, “G’night mum. Love you.”

Jane’s hand froze where it was on Katherine’s cheek for a split second before the words tumbled out of her mouth, “I love you too my little love.”

It wouldn’t be spoken again for some time, but the first time Katherine Howard called Jane Seymour “mum” was something that the third queen held near and dear to her heart. 

--

“So, I didn’t sign the lease again,” Katherine stated through a mouthful of mashed potatoes.

Jane swallowed her food before speaking, “Oh? And how did that go?”

“He was pretty upset. Said something about how he was losing two tenants in one month? I just wish I knew who the other tenant was.”

The blonde across the table from her smirked, and the fifth queen caught on, or so she thought.

“You know who it is? Oh my gosh Jane! Tell me!”

The glint in the stony grey eyes gave her away. “You’re looking at the other move-out.”

“What?” Katherine all but slammed her fork down on the arm of the couch as she gave the third queen the most incredulous look she could muster. “I thought I was going to move in here with you!”

“Well, you will be moving in with me,” Jane laughed.

“You just told me you didn’t sign the lease again!”

“Well, I was going to take you there tomorrow, but I found a quaint little house that’s cheaper yearly than these small apartments. And, we would own it, not just rent.”

“B-b-but,” the younger queen stuttered out. “You love this apartment. It’s your home.”

“Home stopped being a place when you entered my life,” Jane said with as much honesty and love as she could put into those ten words. 

“I love you,” Katherine leaned into the blonde. “But I know how much you love your place, and I really love it too. We can stay here, and I can pitch in money to help afford the-”

“There’s no way that I’m letting you pay rent to live with me honey.”

“But-”

“Katherine S-Howard,” Jane paused, hoping the young girl in front of her didn’t notice the near slip of tongue. “This is a fight you will not win. You’re not helping pay rent.”

“But you love your home!”

“And I love you more! I just told you home stopped being a place when you entered my life. Besides, I think it might be nice to actually be able to paint the walls and decorate the way we truly want to.”

“But-” Katherine stammered. She was determined to make Jane see that she was crazy for giving up the coziness of her apartment that she truly did love- for her. “We have so many memories here.”

“Listen love.” Jane shifted slightly. “We make memories wherever we go, and we can always look back on them. But if you really don’t want to move out of this small apartment complex, we don’t have to. I just thought you might like to have a nice house to live in that will really feel like home.”

“Well,” the fifth queen laughed quietly. “I suppose it would be nice to live somewhere where we can’t hear our neighbors having-” she stopped herself with a cringe. “-But I will be helping pay the bills.”

“No you won’t love. Let someone take care of you for once. You’re young.”

“So are you.”

“Not quite as young as you love. I’m twenty-eight. You’re nineteen. You shouldn’t have to be completely independent yourself. Let someone step in and help. Let me step in and help.”

--

Two months, many boxes, and a heartfelt goodbye to the apartment that held so many memories for the two women later, Jane Seymour and the newly adopted Katherine Howard-Seymour- having the adoption legalized thirty minutes before- stood outside their very own house.

“Well Kat, are you ready?” The blonde turned the key and opened the door.

“I can’t believe we’re home,” the girl in pink sighed with content as she leaned into her mother’s arms.

“I told you once love, and I’ll tell you again: home stopped being a place when you entered my life. You are my home.” She pressed a soft kiss to her girl’s temple before setting off to cook dinner.

The two had many boxes to unpack, but it didn’t matter. Right then and there, they were going to enjoy the first night in their new home- eating a home cooked meal made with love, settling in to watch television, and savoring their time together. 

It was like nothing changed from the two living spaces.

“Goodnight love. Sweet dreams,” Jane smiled down at the girl who was between a state of consciousness and dreaming.

“Goodnight mum. I love you.”

Jane replied without hesitation this time, “I love you too, my little love.”

Well, one thing changed. The two women were family now.

[creepereyes]

Thoughts on season 32

I skipped some episodes, but I watched about 3/4 of them and wrote mini reviews of each.

Undercover Burns: Decent episode. Nothing super funny but nothing bad either. I liked Carl falling through the trap door and I got a chuckle out of the ‘useless solar power’ stand at Burns’ fair.

I, Carumbus: Ok. Bonus points for Fat Tony appearing, but it was just okay. Very middle of the road.

Now You Museum, Now You Don’t: Eh.

Treehouse Of Terror XXXI: Fairly weak intro and first segment. The second segment was alright, though the multiple Homers plot was done before (and better) in the past. I did like Noir Homer and Noir Smithers though. The third segment was actually pretty good, but it would’ve been better without Ralph showing up to say stupid things.

Podcast News: Okay. Not bad, not great.

The Road To Cincinnati: Pretty good. I loved seeing Seymour flip his shit and straight up attack Chalmers. I feel like this was a callback to classic era Seymour, a man not to be trifled with. He even poisons a guy!

Sorry Not Sorry: Alright I guess. Ms.Hoover didn’t get any back story, it was a much more about Lisa which was disappointing.

A Springfield Summer Christmas for Christmas: Herman wearing an ugly Christmas sweater! Other than that, eh.

The Dad Feelings Unlimited: It was okay. I’m glad Kumiko got ample screen time and her playing with Maggie was cute, but I wish she was developed more. Instead it was just a CBG backstory/exposition episode. I still don’t like him. Homer and Marge getting trapped in the crypt playing smooth jazz was funny.

Diary Queen: Even though Edna was only in it for a few minutes I really liked this one. It was sweet but funny (I loved Nelson buying the jar of cut out swear words and Seymour telemarketing.) Edna/Seymour should’ve been end game, but Edna/Flanders is alright too. The Springfield mafia cameo was great. A frustrated Johnny asking, “Why are corpses so buoyant?” and Frankie responding “Cause I’m not dead yet!” was funny, as was the exchange between Tony and Louie.

Do Pizza Bots Dream Of Electric Guitars?: Okay, but I really wish the show would stop with the Homer crying like a baby over stupid things gag. Disco Stu’s mom being Public Domain Debbie was kind of funny.

Manger Things: I’m so bored of the Homer and Marge have marriage troubles episodes, and Maude being mean felt very out of character.

Uncut Femmes: Another good episode! It was nice to see Sarah Wiggum finally get some character development after spending almost 30 years as a flat background character. Seeing Lindsey Neagle in a villainous role was interesting, and I think it fits her. Also Bernice speaks in this episode! She’s so catty but I like her.

Burger Kings: Eh. The ‘Burns is old and frail’ jokes were pretty bad.

The Man From G.R.A.M.P.A: Decent episode with some funny moments, but the ending was anticlimactic.

The Last Barfighter: Interesting premise, but I wouldn’t want to drink with Moe. He’d tell all his fellow club members my secrets! 😮

Overall, season 32 seems fairly decent, with Diary Queen and Uncut Femmes being my favorite episodes. And all my favorite characters got scenes and dialogue, which pleasantly surprised me.

[yourdeepestfathoms]

They Will Certainly See More

  “What do you mean Seymour isn’t here?!”

The stage manager’s eyes were wide and bulging in their sockets from her smoldering gaze. The queens couldn’t help but shy away slightly- all the crew members had an aura that nobody wanted to cross when worked up. 

  “She was sick,” Aragon explained. 

  “You couldn’t think to tell me this BEFORE the show was about to start?!” The stage manager snapped. She sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose. “Are any of the alts here? Tell them to throw on some makeup and do their hair, they’re going on.”

  “Umm...no.” 

  “What?” The stage manager’s eyes snapped open to stare at Cathy.

  “None of them are here.”

  “WHAT?!”

The stage manager began to work herself up to a proper fit, barking and squawking at the queens and just about anyone who crossed her path like a jungle bird that just had its territory approached by a rivaling avian. She might have tore strips off the cast the entire time if it wasn’t for Anne suddenly piping up.

  “Wait!! What about Joan?”

That made the stage manager shut up. She snapped her mouth shut and blinked before all eyes turned over to the nearby music director, who, up until that point, was peacefully eating a yogurt cup.

  “What?” Joan said with the spoon still in her mouth.

  “That’s perfect!” The stage manager exclaimed. “Joan! Go get your makeup and hair done!”

  “My makeup and hair is already done?” Joan said. She was always ready an hour before the performance starts. “What’s going on?”

  “You’re performing as Jane,” The stage manager said. “Aragon, Parr, go help her into costume!”

  “Wait- What?!” Joan yelped, finally understanding. “I-I can’t- I-” But she was already being herded off into Jane’s dressing room.

The process of redoing her makeup and hair was hellish- there was a lot of tugging and pulling and painful brushing that scraped her scalp raw. She had to get an all new layer of makeup so she wouldn’t look washed out onstage and wouldn’t sweat it all off. Because she was sweating. A lot.

  “God, you’re soaked,” Cathy laughed slightly, combing back Joan’s hair.

  “Mm-hmm,” Joan merely replied. She was stiff in the chair, spine straightened in perfect posture for the first time in her life. Her hands clenched and unclenched anxiously in her lap. “G-guys, I--”

  “I got the costume,” Aragon cut her off, taking Jane’s dress off the rack. 

Joan actually gaped at it- were they really expecting her to wear that?!

  “Guys--”

  “Come on, stand up, Joan,” Aragon urged. “Let’s get this on you.”

  “Guys!” Joan finally spoke up. Her voice had raised a few pitches. “I-I don’t think I can do this…”

  “Of course you can!" Cathy said as she pulled her out of the chair. She and Aragon were being weirdly nice; usually they just ignored the music director unless they needed her for something. Joan guessed it was because they were in a rush and thought that being kind would get Joan to cooperate (which kinda worked).

  “You know the show by heart. There's no way you can screw it all up." Aragon smiled gently as she set the costume on the back of the chair. "We'll be outside whilst you change, call us when you're ready.”

And with that, Joan was alone in the dressing room.

Standing in Jane's dressing room with the woman was one thing, but when she was alone everything felt wrong. Joan felt like she was invading Jane's personal space. She knew it was stupid, Jane wasn't here. Jane was at home, sick.

Deciding to not dwell on it any longer, Joan quickly changed into the costume. The first thing she noticed about the dress was that it was heavy, much heavier than she had imagined. The second thing she noticed was that it didn't fit her at all. Instead of looking like it was tailored to her body, it simply hung from her shoulders, and she didn’t even want to THINK about how saggy it was around her smaller chest. She was practically drowning in the fabric, and Joan wondered if she could just wear her band costume and claim it as an emergency alternate costume, but then the five minute call blasted through the speaker.

Cathy and Aragon burst through the door, stumbling over each other as they tumbled into the room.

  “Come on Joan, the show is starting soon and we still need to have a mic check." Cathy said, giving Joan a quick glance. "You can't go on stage looking like that." Frantically, she and Aragon searched Jane's room for safety pins.

An announcement played over the speaker, saying the show was delayed for another ten minutes. Guilt started to consume Joan as she stood in the middle of Jane's dressing room. She must look rather pathetic, standing there in a dress too big and her face caked in makeup.

Suddenly, there’s hands cupping her cheeks and she flinches in surprise. Aragon is standing in front of her, holding her face while Cathy finished with the last of the pins. The golden queen tapped Joan’s cheek with a finger and Joan stopped trying to avoid her eyes like a dog that was caught drinking out of the toilet bowl, instead slowly meeting her patient gaze.

This was the first time Aragon had ever been affectionate or gentle with Joan. And Joan relished it.

  “You’re going to be okay.” Aragon told her. Her voice was smooth and warm, coiling up Joan’s neck and slithering right into her ears. It numbs her anxiety. 

  “B-but what if I--”

  “Shh...” Aragon stroked back a loose piece of hair that just didn’t want to stay down. She took a silver bobby-pin from her sleeve and pinned it back herself. “You’ll be just fine, darling. We know you can do this.”

  “B-but I-- OW!!”

  “Sorry!” Cathy called from behind Joan. “Yikes. That’s a lot of pins.” She laughed slightly. “But I’m sure it’s fine. The dress is silver, anyway! Matches the, uhh, color scheme!”

A chunk of ice drove itself into Joan’s stomach. She sets her trembling hands over her unsettled middle and Aragon quickly took them in her own. She squeezed them tightly. Oh how Joan wished she actually cared about her and wasn’t just doing this to get her to cooperate.

  “I can’t,” Joan whispered.

Despite always dreaming of getting to perform and dance and sing, actually having to do it sounded horrible. Perhaps because it was forced onto her and she didn’t have a say at all. It would probably be easier if she had volunteered herself.

Maybe.

  “You have to,” Aragon said. “I’m sorry. But I know you can do this.”

  “Come on,” Cathy said. 

The three of them walked down to the wings, where the other three queens and ladies in waiting were already in place onstage. Cathy and Aragon have to leave Joan, grabbing their mics and getting in their spots. Joan took Jane’s place a few moments after them. Right before the lights go out, she saw Maria, Bessie, Maggie, and even her dep giving her encouraging smiles and thumbs up. She shook her head nervously at them, pleading with her eyes for one of them to drop dead so she didn’t have to do this.

But alas.

Blackout.

A cacophony of anticipated murmurs swelled through the audience as the curtains part ever so slightly so the queens can walk out. They were just barely lit up by soft white lights bleeding dimly from backstage. Fog rolled out like great grey waves.

Then, pitch blackness once again.

She tripped. She knew she tripped or stumbled or something stupid while walking out of the curtains. She tripped or staggered or stepped wrong or something and now they all know she’s not Jane and they’re going to laugh at her and--

Joan couldn’t breathe. Her body was on autopilot as she followed along with the others, trying to walk the way Jane would normally walk (and yet she still messed that up with her slight stumble on her way out of the curtains). She hoped that she looked enough like the woman to fool the audience and keep them happy for at least half of the show before they got tired of seeing her as a fraud, but that was just wishful. They could take one look at her (or her chest) to know that she was not Jane Seymour.

And that scared her. 

She was scared of them booing or leaving just because she wasn’t the queen. Which was entirely stupid of her to worry over because the alts and swings went on all the time and everyone loved them. But her anxiety just wouldn’t register that as true facts. 

She was a fraud. And they were all going to laugh at her.

She really didn’t want to be laughed at...

A deep hum filled the auditorium- the beginning of Ex-Wives was starting. The sound seemed to rattle Joan to her very core as she listened to it. It honestly used to be serene and calming, but now it just filled her with icy cold dread. She wanted to throw up from the intense terror waving over her, but her stomach was in too tight of knots to eject anything at the moment.

  “Divorced.”

A cone of purple light rained down on Aragon. There were the twin beats. 

This whole part revolved a lot on timing, and Joan knew if she didn’t say her line at just the right moment, then she would throw Maria off. And she really didn’t want to embarrass her bandmates, too, so she gathered up as much confidence as she could and prepared herself. 

  “Beheaded.”

The purple light comes down on Anne. The twin beat resounds loudly.

This was her moment. One of her many moments, but a moment no less. She couldn’t fuck it up, not after the way she tripped.

The purple light spills its rays of amethyst over Joan and she takes a deep breath.

  “D-ied.”

The twin drum beat thumps heavily. Joan swore the thunderous pulse was enough to shatter her rapidly beating heart, which just picked up even more speed.

Her voice cracked. Her fucking voice cracked.

She wondered if it was possible to swallow her microphone whole and choke on it so she wouldn’t have to do this...

  “Divorced.”

A cone of light encased Anna. Joan exhaled deeply, no one seemed to notice. Maybe she could pretend to be sick, people have gone on sick before. Joan prayed that they had an alternate ready before Heart of Stone; she didn't know what she would do if she had to sing that song.

  “Beheaded.”

Joan was ready to run, she didn't care about letting the audience down. But then the image of Jane popped into her head, she was frowning, like she was disappointed. Disappointed in Joan. That thought made her stay on stage, rooted in her spot.

  “And tonight, London. We are…”

I can do this, She kept telling herself, hoping it would calm her down.

The pause seemed to last much longer than a few seconds. Her nerves mounted as she waiting. Joan raised the mic to her lips a bit early.

Then suddenly she saw Anne take a breath, meaning it was coming.

  “Live!" Joan's voice was stronger than she thought, an excited grin adorned her face. I got it! She praised herself.

The show flew by in a whirl of flashing lights, humming harmonies, and barely-contained pride. The longer she performed, the more Joan got comfortable with the role of being the third queen. And the audience didn’t even seem to mind! They looked like they really liked her!

It was just amazing. Every inch of her body was tingling in joy, fueled by an adrenaline rush that seemed to be made of liquid gold. She hadn’t been this energetic about anything in a long time. Her limbs would ache the next day, but she didn’t care. She just continued to sing and dance and be genuinely happy.

The MegaSix soon rolled around, meaning the show would be over soon, and Joan found herself slightly sad while she danced along with the queens. She wished she could play this part forever, that she could always be in the spotlight like this. People would praise her name: Joan Meutas, the False Silver Queen. And they would love her, they would want her autograph and ask to take pictures with her and go to brag to their friends about meeting her.

It would be incredible.

Joan was so wrapped up in dancing and fantasizing her own popularity that she didn’t even realize something was wrong until a cold breeze hit her bare belly.

...Bare?

The audience gasped, yelped, shouted, laughed, whistled.

Cameras flashed.

The queens turned to her, frozen, eyes bulging out of their skull, mouths hanging open like their jaws had been unhinged.

Petrified, Joan slowly looked down at her naked body, shielded only by a bra and underwear, and the silver dress around her feet.

[bygosscarmine]

A PERILOUS ENGAGEMENT

Man from UNCLE - Wife or Knife AU

for @karis-the-fangirl  later rather than sooner, but here is the fruit of your Wife or Knife AU in my imagination!

It’s ended up being less about the source material and way more about the potential of a very rigid, very tall man being forced by a small pistol of a woman into a [fake?] relationship. It was incredibly fun to write, and rewrite. I hope it’s enjoyable to read!

1/12

The ball may have been the event of the season in the country town of Middleton, but it was hardly high society. This should have set Elias Carrick at ease. Considering that he wasn't really meant to be in Middleton, and his friend Napoleon was so determined he should go, the general effect was a more subtle form of disquiet.

Napoleon was not the actual inmate of Elba Island, but a friend from Oxford given the moniker for reasons best left unsaid in polite society: more properly George Solo. His reassurances were to the tune of, “If you’re ever to make vicar from curate, you’ll need connections. And to make connections you need polish. The first step to polish is to at least have attended a party once.” Not reassuring, and putting rather a lot of weight on a single performance.

Solo had been in the neighborhood of Middleton kicking his heels at his uncle’s home for several weeks. Finding that Carrick would pass through the country on his way to the parish in the North, he had invited him to stop for a short holiday. Carrick had surprised even himself by accepting. The amusements had been tame enough so far, but he could not shake the sense he might end up regretting this whim deeply. He had regretted every other caper the dashing but devious-minded Solo had drawn him into, back in the day.

He stood feeling rather like a lamp-post at the edge of a London bustle, stock-still and being bumped into as if practically invisible. There were silks and muslins fluttering about, and smart jackets darting between them, all turning eager faces towards each other with smiles in their eyes. The chandelier light filled the room with a slight haze of smoke, and the heat of so many people all crowded together made him feel a little out of sorts. He had attended a middle-aged woman to a seat, and had been quite happy to allow her to gossip away at him, but had been supplanted by a matron who thought she was rescuing him. Now he had to find some other way to be politely engaged in the party, and Solo was at his elbow to make sure he did.

"Solo! My boy," said a figure of rather aged splendor, approaching. "And your friend, delightful!"

Solo made his introductions between Carrick and the Squire--his uncle was helping the Squire in some matters of business, and the man had generously included them all in his invitation. The dubious nature of inviting the man of business's nephew and friend to a ball was probably just a highlight of the country life, but Carrick felt as though he shouldn't have accepted.

"You know, there just aren't enough handsome lads about in these parts to do the pretty, so it's a famous thing to have a few visitors! Now, come, I must carry you off to please the young ladies."

Understandably, he took Solo along first, and Carrick purposefully missed his look of beckoning, to remain shored up in the debris of the party's tides. The Squire bore back down on him pitilessly, however, and ushered him along to stand up with a young woman of reddish blonde hair and a delicate face. Since Carrick was well over six foot, and built on the lines of yeoman, she seemed to be in some terror of him.

He said gently, "I am not sure I will get all the steps right," since he knew that his preference for silence did not strike people as comforting. She glanced up at him nervously, but when he moved without too much clumsiness she seemed relieved, and even made some remarks to him as if taking pity.

Being a man of the cloth did seem to excite a certain tendency toward pity in women. At least he had found it so. She left his side at the end of the set without hesitation, but with a polite word of thanks, so she was not fleeing him, either.

He had hoped to disappear into the crowd again, but Solo bore down on him with a woman who he clearly had been dancing with himself, as they laughed together. She was dressed as a matron, but still young and lively, which suited Solo. In fact, she appeared to be a widow as well. Her dark eyes were gleaming as Solo said, "Elias Carrick, madame. Future vicar and current scrapegrace. Carrick, this is Mrs. Hettisham, the Squire's daughter."

"Pleased," said Carrick, bowing.

"Keep her safe from that clumsy fellow in the eyesore coat by taking the next dance, all right?"

"It would be my pleasure," said Carrick.

The woman was quite kind to Carrick, and far from nervous. He enjoyed the scant moments they had in each other's company in the country dance that was raucous and so disorderly that when he forgot his steps it was quite unnoticeable.

"Ah, it is so nice to dance again," said Mrs. Hettisham. "But I must retire or my mother's friends will think me quite lost in dissipation."

"Let me see you to a couch, ma'am," said Carrick. He hoped to settle her and then give her company, since it would mean not having to meet yet another stranger. However, the Squire was busier about the room than his slow gait would have led one to expect. He was at Carrick's elbow almost immediately, with another blushing young lady who had no partner.

As they entered their apartments at the inn after the evening, Carrick told his friend, "If you wished for me to go to this party to gain a little polish, I can't see how it could have answered the purpose. I spent the whole evening scaring little girls."

"Sometimes learning that you are the scariest thing in a room is just the thing to find the proper confidence. Mrs. Hettisham is a wonderful example. A woman who certainly knows her own worth well enough to command whatever situation she is in."

"She is lovely."

"You know, I don't think she is?" said Solo, musingly. "But it makes no difference."

-

Gabrielle Seymour was meant to be in mourning. In truth, she grieved, and was mourning the loss. She was impatient with the form of the thing, however, which seemed to force her to sit and think about how unhappy she was and how little she could do about it. She had "borrowed" some clothes from one of the maids to sneak down and at least listen to the music, but had been forced to take up a position in a corner just enough obscured from the ballroom to see the edges of the dance while also worrying someone would stumble onto her taking the wrong door for supper.

She was choosing her moment to sneak back away, and it was probably now. Her aunt was safely ensconced close to the door to the dining room where she could scrutinize her staff's missteps closely in setting refreshments, and her uncle was now holding court in the card room where his status as host would not prevent him from losing a great deal of petty cash to his guests.

Just then, her elder cousin Lady Hettisham darted over as if to smooth her skirts out of the crush. “Have you seen them?” this dab of a woman in a charming half-mourning of watered silk asked in an undertone.

“I can’t see a thing from here, as you well know, Maria,” Gabrielle retorted.

“Oh, do keep an eye out,” the young widow said, and escaped to not bring attention that way.

Gabrielle could not hazard a guess what it was Maria wished her to see, since what she found immensely entertaining ranged from a truly terrible clash of jewelry to signs of an incipient tendré between ill-matched young people.

Gabrielle was just timing her dart across the hall, risking being glimpsed from the door, toward the servant stair when she saw the stranger Maria had wanted her to notice. A fair man of some height was leading Mrs. Pratt to a seat at the wall. Gabrielle knew from her own experience of coming into this neighborhood several years before that Mrs. Pratt looked even at first sight like an obnoxious woman and proved to be so in a very short time of acquaintance, but he was leaning down to hear her over the music with an intent expression. He not only helped her to her seat but sat beside her as a sacrificial lamb to her conversation, without the slightest appearance of humoring someone he wished to avoid. For a moment, Gabrielle sat riveted by the grave, square face of the young man at her uncle's ball. Then she recollected that if she could see him so well, they also might see her, despite her drab dress. The odd pair had found the few chairs shoved beside this side of the fireplace, which she had relied on being unwanted as both hot and cramped. She fled as smoothly as possible from the area.

Maria was happily chattering as her maid undressed her when Gabrielle knocked and entered.

"Someone had a delightful time tonight," Gabrielle said, keeping her voice light.

"I had never thought a Middleton ball might see a rake who knows just how to entertain a young widow," said Maria with a chuckle. "It takes so very little to make me feel gratified this way!"

She cast a more piercing look at Gabrielle, however, and said, "You did not enjoy yourself, did you, coz?"

"My disguise made it quite impossible for me to do so," Gabrielle said drily. "I had to hide in a corner and wish in vain to be brought a cool drink. I saw that large, fair man with Mrs. Pratt, but you would be put to the test to convince me he was a rake.”

"Oh no! He danced by me with little Georgina, and looked as though he were trying to juggle eggs, he was so nervous and gentle. I believe he is destined for the church. Luckily, his friend is destined to be a man of business. I do not understand how they are friends."

Gabrielle asked for more details on the flirtation, so she might not have to discuss more about her own evening, and soon bid her cousin goodnight. She spent some time in her own bed thinking, however. It made more sense that her cousin had been pointing to two strangers, particularly one who had flirted with her. 

It stung more than it ought to that there were young visitors in the village that she would probably never meet. She didn’t want a London season, or even to be asked to dance at the ball--she just hated to be hidden from the world as if it were shameful that she had lost both her parents. As if she was too young to be trusted to behave in company like a mourner.

If they didn't treat her so much like a disobedient pup, she would have an easier time behaving.

-

Link to all posted chapters here.

[dreamcatcherfication]

The Queens of London Part 4 - My Shadow’s the Only One That Walks Beside Me

I wrote this at 1 AM and it really shows. Anyway, I have no idea what’s happening anymore but I tried my best! This chapter feels very filler-y at parts, but I do like where everything is going, so you’ll have to stick around and “Suddenly Seymour”! *gets hit by flying book* Okay, I see how it is. Anyways, I hope you enjoy! Sorry for any spelling/grammatical errors, I’ve gotten so little sleep that I can hear colors.

Writing Masterpost

If you want to send a request or a prompt, my inbox is always open! I publish a story at 8:00 AM PST everyday, so I’m always in need of new ideas (now featuring random asks). If you want to be tagged in my works, just let me know and I’ll be sure to tag you!

Prompts | More Prompts | The Trifecta of Prompts | Random Asks

Trigger Warnings: Vague allusions to abuse

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3

Everyone was sat at their meeting table, silently watching each other. There was a (laminated) plan set out in front of each chair for every queen and lady, the only empty seat being Anne’s. Clearly, some of the queens and ladies like Aragon and Joan were eager to start, but no one made any move without Boleyn. The silence was practically deafening for Kat who swore she could hear something ringing.

Soon enough, the door opened slowly and Anne shuffled in. She shot a glance at Kat but turned her gaze away and sat in her seat. “Can we start now?” Aragon asked in exasperation.

“Yeah, sorry,” Anne replied, her voice slightly heavier than normal. She didn’t quite look nervous, per se, but rather like she knew something she wished she didn’t. Cathy shot a questioning glance at Anne, but kept her mouth shut. Kat couldn’t help but observe all of this, an uncomfortable hole settling in her stomach.

“Alright,” Jane started, smiling warmly at her companions. “Henry’s party is in two nights time, and we need to be prepared. Anna, I believe you have something for us.”

Snapping her fingers, Anna stood up. “Right you are, Jane Suddenly Seymour,” she joked. Bessie stood up as well, lifting a large bag she had set under the table. “Outfits made by yours truly,” Anna presented, helping Bessie lift the first dress. “Miss Aragon, would you like to see your dress,” Cleves continued her over dramatic flair.

Rolling her eyes, Aragon stood up and moved over to the other two women. Unfurling the dress, Kat couldn’t help but gasp at its beauty. It was long and sweeping, the ends ruffled in all the right places to create shimmering waves. There were sparkles around the chest portion, accentuating Aragon’s dark skin against it. As for the whole of the dress, it was a radiant gold, regal and unapologetic, perfect for the queen who would wear it. The bottom half of the dress was silky and trembled at the slightest wind. Holding the dress against her body, Aragon admired Cleves’s work. “You’ve outdone yourself again, Anna,” she praised, leaving the room to go change and try the dress on. Even if she trusted Anna, the designer always encouraged them to try the dresses on and make sure they fit well.

“Just wait until you see the rest,” Anna smirked.

As Aragon changed, Bessie pulled out the second dress. “Anne, I believe this one’s for you,” she said, delicately placing the dress on the table. If Aragon’s had been radiant, this one was entrancing. It was a dark green, so thick that just looking at the dress made Kat’s chest clench. This dress was a little shorter and more revealing (important to the part Anne would be playing) but no less astounding than Aragon’s. There were jewels tacked along the breast line, making the dress even more elegant. A leather band wrapped around the waist, holding the dress together. 

“Wow,” Kat murmured, absolutely transfixed.

“Going off Kat’s reaction, I think I can safely say this dress is going to capture plenty of attention,” Cleves raised an eyebrow at Anne. Kat blushed and looked down, embarrassed at being called out.

“Wouldn’t want it any other way,” Anne replied cheekily. Aragon came back into the room, twirling in her dress. There were various compliments among the women, including a wolf whistle from Anne. “Looking good Catalina,” she teased.

“Stuff it, Anne,” Aragon pretended to be annoyed. “Go change into your dress,” she ordered.

“As her majesty wishes,” Anne bowed out of the room, with her dress, off to try it on.

“I suppose I’m next,” Jane spoke up. She and the other ladies had been quiet throughout the ordeal, simply watching on in silent interest.

“Indeed,” Anna affirmed, reaching into the bag. Her next item was simpler, but when Jane laid eyes on it, she couldn’t help but immediately fall in love. It was a white dress with black outlines around the edges, accenting the curves and highlighting a wavy pattern. There were faint glitters on the dress, making it shine, but there was nothing inherently distracting about it like Anne’s. It was straightforward and beautiful, just as Jane would’ve asked.

For some reason, seeing the dress brought up a nostalgic feeling in Jane’s chest. She pushed it down and grasped the dress, thanking Anna politely. She left the room quicker than the others, moving past Anne as she reentered the room. “Wow,” Kat said again, seeing Anne in the dress. 

Winking at the table, Anne twirled, catching everyone’s attention. “This is the best thing you’ve made yet, Anna,” she praised while smoothing the dress.

Shrugging off the praise, Anna and Bessie pulled out the next two articles of clothing. “Now, for our last two queens,” she looked at Cathy and Kat respectively, “you need utmost mobility while also appearing formal and wearing your best. Cathy, if you’re to observe properly, you can’t be wearing a distracting dress that hinders you. Solution? Suits.” 

Revealing the suit, Cleves grinned proudly at her creation. A dark blue blazer, rich in color but plain otherwise surrounded the outfit. The color was eye-catching and blended perfectly with Parr’s skin tone. The shirt was a white button up with black stripes running up it, thin but strongly supporting the outfit. The pants were also blue, high waisted over the shirt itself. Sat on the table it was stunning, and Kat couldn’t wait to see the journalist actually donning the outfit.

When Cathy didn’t get up, everyone stared at her. “Aren’t you gonna… try it on?” Bessie nervously prompted.

Hiding her awkwardness behind a laugh, Cathy shook her head. “No, I - uh - I’d rather do that by myself if that’s alright.”

“No problem at all,” Cleves waved her off. “Let me know if there’s any problems with it. Kat,” she called unexpectedly.

Jumping in her seat, Kat quickly put on her persona. “Hmm?” She voiced, hiding her excitement. “My turn? Go ahead,” Kat made it seem like she was holding back a yawn.

The women all shot her confused looks, surprised by her nonchalance that had come completely out of left field. Maria and Maggie shared a confused look, but they said nothing. “Alright,” Cleves frowned, attempting to dispel the sudden tension. “Now, we weren’t sure what color would work, but Bessie had the great idea of this hot pink that I think you’re going to love.”

Sure enough, Kat had to stifle her astonishment at the suit. Like Cathy’s, it was covered by a hot pink blazer with black flower patterns scattered on it. The white shirt beneath it was plain, but the suspenders attached to them gave off a 1920s vibe that Kat adored. The pants were also pink, the same shade as the blazer, although there were no patterns on it. To top it off, there was a black choker sat on top of the outfit. “You like it?” Bessie asked, her eyes slightly twinkling. She had worked on this outfit specifically with Anna, and she was extremely proud of how it had turned out. 

“You did a good job,” Kat coughed out, making sure to keep her compliments vague.

“It’s absolutely stunning,” Jane said softly from the doorway, her dress stealing the spotlight. Everyone turned around to gaze at her, their eyes wide. For something so simple, Jane stood out among all of them. The dress had a life of its own, practically giving off an air of emotion to whoever set eyes on it.

Pushing Kat’s suit forward, Cleves urged, “Now that Jane’s back, you can try your suit on, Kat.”

“Uh,” panicking, Kat replied, “could I do what Cathy did?” At the awkward looks she received, Kat clarified, “Try it on at home?”

“Sure,” Anna continued, unbothered. “Bessie and I guessed on your measurements, so make sure to tell us tomorrow if something doesn’t fit right.”

“What about you, Anna?” Joan asked, speaking up for the first time that night. “Unlike us ladies, you’re going to the party. Don’t you need an outfit?”

“Of course, I have my suit already prepared. It’s a surprise for you all.”

“Why would you need a suit if you’re not going to be sneaking around,” Maggie snorted as she put her feet up on the table. 

Clicking her tongue, Anna leaned towards Maggie. “Because I just look that good in a suit.”

“Okay!” Aragon cut in. “How about we finish this meeting so we can all get home. Thank you for the clothes Anna and Bessie, they’re wonderful.” The fashion team nodded and sat down, listening to Aragon take control. “Now, let’s move on to politics.”

Walking home at one in the morning was not something Kat enjoyed, but she didn’t have a driver’s license, much less a car, so she was stuck. Trekking home with the suit, Kat couldn’t help but feel dirty. This suit in her hands was the most expensive thing she had ever held. Kat hadn’t grown up poor, sure, but she was never given things. And being kicked out of the house at a young age didn’t help her either.

Having this suit made for her felt wrong, she didn’t deserve it. She had lied her way into this group and was being rewarded for it. Kat knew she wanted to help, but it didn’t make the process any easier. She was used to being alone on the streets. Before she had been able to earn barely enough for rent, Kat had lived on these streets. All by herself.

There was a strange limbo between comfort and fear as she stood alone at a streetlight. Kat was used to this, the silence of the night disrupted only by her breathing. Yet she knew of the things that lurked around the corners that weren’t her shadow. For a second, Kat contemplated staying out in the dark and never returning home. 

Before she could travel further down that path, Kat arrived at her apartment. Going into the building and making her way to the door, Kat fumbled with her keys. Getting the door open was harder than usual, the lock seemingly jammed for some reason. Regardless, she got the door open and made her way inside. Running a hand through her hair, Kat flipped on a light and squeaked in surprise, coming face to face with Anne Boleyn in her kitchen.

“Hey Brandon. You and I are gonna have a little chat,” Anne spoke coldly. “Couch. Now.”

Sitting on the couch, Kat stared at her hands, too afraid to look in Anne’s eyes. She had been caught, hadn’t she? Terrible thoughts kept running through her mind on what Anne might do, but Kat refused to voice any of them. “I thought you looked familiar to me,” Anne monologued while pacing in front of Kat. “I was just really curious as to why I know your face. But you know,” she shot a glance at the teen, “curiosity killed the Kat.”

Shivering, Kat opened her mouth, but closed it. “I thought if I stole your wallet, I’d be able to learn something about you. And oh boy did I learn something.” Making a full stop, Anne stared straight through Kat’s persona. “No drivers license or ID, no nothing. Just a few stray pounds and some lint. A laundry card with an address to some,” she gestured around the apartment, “disgusting slum house. No offense,” she quickly corrected herself, not wanting to be too aggressive. Kat shrugged. She couldn’t fault Anne for thinking her home was disgusting if she felt the same way. 

“But most intriguing of all,” Anne continued, “was the autographed card of Thomas Wolsey, one of the heads of Gemini Records. Now, anyone who has done business with Darkrider Records knows of the war those two labels are neck deep in. It’s not something they publish on the news, but if you truly were affiliated with Darkrider Records, you wouldn’t be seen within an inch of anything related to Gemini.” Gulping, Kat knew how deeply she had dug herself into a hole. “So tell me Kat, who are you?”

Taking a few quick breaths, Kat started to talk. She didn’t lift her head to face Anne and her voice was small. “My name is Katherine Howard. I’m a street musician and I have no idea how I got your letter.”

Narrowing her eyes, Anne leaned in closer to Kat. The teen expected to be slapped for deceiving Anne, or receive some kind of retaliation. Instead, Anne gasped and backed away, a look of recognition in her eyes. “Kat? Kat Howard?”

“Yeah?” Kat mumbled in confusion.

“Your father is Edmund Howard, right?” Still confused, Kat nodded, not wanting to upset Anne. “Oh my God, I know why I recognize you.”

“Why?” Kat probed, needing answers for Anne’s sudden change in behavior.

“Because you’re my cousin.”

Silence. And then Kat stood up. “I’m your what?”

“Your cousin!” Anne exclaimed. She moved closer to Kat and started inspecting her face. “I mean, you’re a lot less chubbier than I remember, but you would’ve been, what? Four at the time? You look so different.”

Backing away from Anne, Kat wrinkled her nose. “You’ve gotta have me confused with someone else. I’m not related to any Boleyns.”

“Uh, clearly you are,” Anne rolled her eyes, pointing to herself. “Your aunt is my mom. You won’t remember me, we only met like, once.”

Still, Kat was unconvinced. “Why wouldn’t my father tell me about you?”

Anne frowned and lost a bit of enthusiasm. “Everyone in the family knows Edmund as the deadbeat. His wife died and he totally pulled away from everyone. No one’s talked to him since the funeral.” Kat cringed, remembering her mother disappearing one day. And how everything had changed after that. “Although I’m not one to talk, seeing as I’m the black sheep of our family,” Anne added.

Scoffing, Kat looked at the floor. “You’re the black sheep? Have you seen where I’m living?”

Awkwardly clicking her tongue, Anne once again observed the place. “Yeah, not the best living space.”

“Can’t afford anything else,” Kat grumbled.

“Street musician doesn’t pay too well.” Turning her attention back to her newfound cousin, Anne still needed answers. “How did you get that letter?”

Shrugging, Kat wound her arms tightly around her chest. “Some lady dropped it in my guitar case yesterday. It had my name on it, so I thought it was for me. I went to the meeting and you all started calling me Katherine Brandon and… I panicked.”

“Understandable,” Anne muttered, thinking about the implications of the letter landing with Kat. “And so the plot thickens,” she whispered to herself. Anne decided not to push on that front, instead bringing up another topic. “Why are you doing this?”

“Because I need to,” Kat fired back. “I’m never going to do anything worthwhile in my life. This is my one shot.”

If it had been anyone else, they probably wouldn’t have encouraged Kat, but this was Anne Boleyn, known for her chaos. “Then let’s do it.”

Of all things Kat had been expecting, that wasn’t it. “You’re just going to help me?”

“Hell yeah,” Anne agreed. “I already want to take down Henry, and you’re already in on everything, so why stop now? If you’re willing to do this, then I’m gonna help you.”

A short grin grew on Kat’s face. “You won’t tell anyone I’m not really Katherine Brandon?”

“Anything for my baby cousin.”

-------------------------------------

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