#sexuality is fluid. maybe im actually grey

[sweetnxthngs]

[ may calamawy, non-binary, they/she] — whoa!  IMAAN EL-SALEM  just stole my cab! not cool, but maybe they needed it more. they have lived in the city for TEN YEARS, working as a/an OWNER OF BROWNSTONE BOOKS  that can’t be easy, especially at only 38 YEARS OLD. some people say they can be a little bit SHY and FANCIFUL , but i know them to be WARMHEARTED and ARTICULATE. whatever. i guess i’ll catch the next cab. hope they like the ride back to QUEENS! —character parallels: rory gilmore, monica gellar, lexie grey.

wanted connections • pinterest

BASICS

FULL NAME: Imaan El-Salem

NICKNAME(S): none, doesn't love nicknames.

AGE: 38

DATE OF BIRTH: February 14th, 1986

CURRENT LOCATION: Queens, New York City.

PLACE OF BIRTH: Bahrain

ETHNICITY: Egyptian, Palestinian.

GENDER: Non-binary

PRONOUNS: they/she

SEXUAL ORIENTATION: bisexual

RELIGION: Raised Muslim, does not follow organized religion perfectly by any means, but does believe in God and has faith.

LANGUAGES: arabic, english.

OCCUPATION:  owner of brownstone books.

FACECLAIM: May Calamawy

PHYSICAL TRAITS

HEIGHT: 5’7

WEIGHT: 115 lbs

HAIR COLOR: Brown

EYE COLOR: Brown

PIERCINGS: one lobe piercing in each ear, and an industrial piercing in the right ear.

TATTOOS:  here

SCARS|MARKS: freckles across her nose and cheeks,

SIGNATURE SCENT: Maison Margiela Replica Springtime in the Park.

PHOBIAS AND DISEASES

MENTAL ILLNESSES:  social anxiety.

PHYSICAL ILLNESSES:

PHOBIAS: 

RELATIONSHIPS

MOTHER:  Nashwa El-Salem ( Badawi) (deceased)

FATHER:  Omar El-Salem

CHILDREN: none

SIBLINGS: Laila El-Salem (younger half-sister)

RELATIONSHIPS:  coming soon

 PETS:  a black cat lovingly named sush, short for sushi.

PERSONALITY

ZODIAC SIGN:  Aquarius.

MORAL ALIGNMENT: Neutral Good.

FAVORITE FOODS: sushi, watermelon, mint and feta salad, garlic noodles with chili crunch, mutabal, french fries drenched in ketchup and mayo, shakshouka.

FAVORITE COLOR: lavender and pink

LIKES: the smell of the air just after it rains, and the color of the sky and it's orange-pink hue then, too, when svu or criminal minds marathons are on, the feeling of having a crush. romance books.

DISLIKES: anything above 70 degrees Fahrenheit, washing the dishes by hand,

HOBBIES:  as of recently, ballet classes just to get some movement in and they like the fluidness of it, reading fanfiction when they should be working, baking their feelings away, and self-defense classes.

BIOGRAPHY

tw death, tw religion, tw childbirth.

PAST.

BAHRAIN, February 1986.

It's February, but it's the Middle East in the 80s, so the weather is likened to the decade. Nashwa is in a hospital and still, sweating profusely. She's unsure if it's the weather or the pressures of childbirth. She is freshly married, and this is her first baby, when a screaming little girl comes out, Imaan, is placed into her arms she cries along with her. She barely gets to hold her though before the beeping of a machine rings in her ears and before she can even meet her daughter, to know her, Nashwa El-Salem is pronounced dead, complications in birth.

Omar, her father, has no idea what to do with a newborn daughter, and with his job, he doesn't really have the time to raise her alone, that's when originally, her jadda stepped in, helping raise the young child until she was of school age, and then, there was pressure for her father to remarry, to find someone to run the home while he worked. By the time young Imaan is seven, Omar is remarried, and expecting another child.

Their stepmother isn't from here, the States, actually, here as an expat, working for the embassy, and their little sister Laila looks more like her than their father. Imaan is barely eight but she knows that things have shifted.

They go back and forth from Bahrain to Washington often enough, two homes, and to Imaan, it feels like two families. Her father and herself, and then him and his wife and Laila. There is a passing comment about how she can't let go of a mother she never knew, and as Imaan gets older, they know that's true.

by the time Imaan is seventeen, laila is 10, and they are fully moved to Washington, leaving Bahrain, and everything Imaan has ever really known behind. They finish their last year of school in the States, and it is so different Imaan feels out of place, and alone. She tries to fit in, and tries to be the perfect daughter at the same time, but those two don't align. Raised strict Muslim, Imaan is used to a set of rules, and the western high school system is mostly not set up for them, especially in 2005. Her connection to her home and her faith gets lost somewhere along the way, more fights with her father about his expectations, about his wife and his other daughter, about how she will never be good enough. He calls her disrespectful and a disappointment, and she tells him she applied for college in Scotland far away from him, and the look on his face tells her she's gone too far, but the plans have already been set in motion.

The University of Edinburgh is a dream and an awakening. Imaan is still shy, an introvert one would say, but also more willing to explore who they are. Kissing a girl for the first time is like a rebirth, trying cigarettes, alcohol, and even drugs feel like things that make her stray from the staunch religious upbringing she had, and yet, the lack of restraints feels good.

By the time she graduates with a degree in English, she knows she is different, and she's not sure how much her family will like that.

She moves back home for a while and works in a library as an assistant, and the freedom college abroad brought her dwindles, it's back to dad's rules. her sister is just sixteen, and while they were never close, their relationship is not bad, but Imaan finds there isn't much they have in common. Her sister likes concerts, has a large circle of friends, and spends her time trying new makeup techniques, and that's all fine, except Imaan can't relate to it, as someone who finds their enjoyment in reading the newest romance boo release, or

She moves around a bit after two years at home, does two years in California, and two more in Chicago before moving with their roommate to New York. It's closer to home but totally different all the same, and it actually feels right. Unlike all the other cities. They get a job in a bookstore and share a two-bedroom with their roommate in Queens and life is okay, though not perfect.

PRESENT

Imaan brought Brownstone Books off the owner, who they worked for 8 years before she decided it was time to retire, and with a very small loan and the kindness of someone who took them in, they owned the place. It felt daunting, but the bookstore's popularity helped make the transition easier.

In those ten years since moving to New York, Imaan found that what was missing in her life was some sort of faith, and found a way to embrace spirituality and their sense of self, a sometimes uneven, but more comfortable balance. They got cat and name it sush, and they still live in a two-bedroom, though their roommate moved out recently to live with her boyfriend, so they're on the hunt. They love to bake, spending the time not in the bookstore either doing that or reading (books, or fanfiction, thank you). They don't see their family often, though her sister is 31 now, and has visited a few times.

wanted connections found here.

[programmedd-cell-death]

realizing i may not actually be ace is strange. like ive spoken to a couple people in my life about this and it’s interesting that they’ve all kinda had the same first reaction of comforting me and assuring me that sexuality is fluid and labels don’t define us. but im not particularly upset about the possibility of no longer “being” ace. and maybe it’s just because im not sure yet (might just be grey-ace, but who’s to say). but even if i do no longer identify with asexuality, i still greatly value and appreciate the ace community, because it helped me understand myself and know that other people feel the same way i do. part of me does hope i still fall somewhere on the ace spectrum, because i love being part of the ace community, but even if i dont, that’s okay. 

ace people i love you (platonic)

[domesticangel]

I'm sorry if this ask makes you uncomfortable, I'm not sure, if it's something to discuss with strangers. But do you think there's a concrete way to tell your sexuality?

I've considered myself straight, since I've never felt romantic feelings towards women, but I had sexual fantasies about them even before I had them about men. Your Yugioh post made me remember hoping my barbies would turn alive to do horny things with them... And now, when I'm lucid dreaming (so it's conscious), I go for whoever there is, no matter the gender.

My confusion stems from being an extremely visually stimulated person, so even fashion Items or makeup can make me h word. So I'm really not sure if I'm bi-sexual, or just find women pretty and trying to be spicy straight.

Sorry again if it's inappropriate, I'm not sure who to even talk about this. And I'm not really in a place to find out through trial anytime soon lol

NAH YOURE FINE but its the kind of ask i could see making maybe someone else uncomfortable, so in the future you might wanna ask someone before sending something like this! but it doesnt bother me personally, so ill go ahead and answer ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ

cramming under a cut since it got kinda long LOL

sooo i dont think for everyone sexuality is going to be a “concrete” thing. for some people it very much is, which is great, but for some people it can be very fluid and changing. i dont think either way is better than the other; they just Are. i only mention this bc i have also very much been where you are so i know it can be pretty stressful and frustrating, feeling like you cant even really tell what your own sexuality is, especially since my brain has never been the best at handling grey areas. i identified as bi for the vast majority of my life before realizing i was actually a lesbian. and i dont say that to equate bisexuality with confusion, but rather to illustrate just how long of a process really understanding the nuances of your own sexuality can be, and how truly normal and okay it is to explore different identities

i would suggest considering why you dont think youve ever had romantic feelings towards a woman or never could; this can actually be a very common thing for wlw bc of compulsive heterosexuality--women live their entire lives in a world that for the most part tells them that love between two women could never be “real” or romantic. its kinda like that whole messy stereotype that biphobes and homophobes like to propagate about bi people being confused, and that bi women are just confused straight women and bi men are just confused gay men. it centers around men. so when women’s sexualities have always been defined by their relationship to men, it can be really hard to figure out how you feel about people who ARENT men, and can def lead to the kind of confusion it sounds like youre having. mainstream Love as a concept is really so eaten up with heterosexual archetypes that they can muddy up your own feelings on what it means for you specifically to love someone regardless of their gender if that makes sense

re: visual stimulation: i think that can differ for everyone, and may or may not play a part in their sexuality. for example, you might become aroused because you associate fashion and makeup with women you find attractive/youre attracted to femininity, OR you might find them stimulating because of a certain mood or vibe they evoke for you, like feeling sexy, the idea of dolling yourself up for someone, etc. or it could very well be both!!!

just from what i can gather from this ask, it sounds to me like youre sexually attracted to women but struggling with figuring out the romantic side of things. ill make this clear first and foremost; i dont believe in the split attraction model, so im not positing youre “bisexual but heteroromantic” or anything like that. HOWEVER sometimes certain aspects of attraction as a whole are easier to parse than others. i know for sure that way before i ever considered IDing as a lesbian i was wildly physically attracted to women but really only gave credence to the crushes i got on men  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

tbh i wouldnt worry too much about it. and i dont mean that in a brushing off kind of way; more in a you absolutely have time to figure this out and explore your options type way. let yourself feel the way you feel about people, try to think about it without OVER thinking, and just be open to things. treat it like a journey at your own pace rather than a timed exam. if you dont want to figure things out by trial as you said right now or for a long time? thats fine. that option will always be waiting for you when youre ready for it. and remember, if bisexuality is something youre considering may be a proper fit, it doesnt have to be 50/50. you could be 90% attracted to people of different/dissimilar gender and 10% attracted to people of same/similar gender and you would still be 100% bi, not a “fake,” not spicy straight. try calling yourself bi. try calling yourself straight. see how it feels and if it fits. dont be afraid of thinking youre one thing and turning out to be the other. this isnt something you can get “wrong.” sexuality can be totally messy and confusing for a lot of people, even after you think youve gotten it all figured out; one of the best things about being alive is how you feel about and interact with other people, but thats such a vast and varied experience that its totally normal imo for it to be nonlinear and not always clear cut. either way your sexuality is yours to explore no matter where you end up

[ajokeformur-ray]

I watched Joker tonight and typed out my thoughts as they occurred to me. Unedited; typos are guaranteed. I did this a few months ago and really enjoyed looking back at my thought process and I wanted to do it again so that I can look back and know that what I feel is real and true in my darkest times.

You're welcome to skip this; it's under a cut for ease of doing so. Warnings for occasional sexual comment lmao. There’s no self shipping in this, I don’t think.

word count: 2, 575.

I’M SOBBING and I’ve only just pressed play.

Heart squeeze Chest much ow

THERE HE IS

✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨

Nooooo baby omg don’t pretend - let yourself hurt if it hurts. Don’t pretend. 

Carnival Carnival Carnivalllllllll 😍😍😍😍😍

I am a Simp for one clown and his name is Carnival

Someone help him, I????

That sign hit Arthur as hard as my love for him did ksksksk

MY EYES BE LEAKIN💔💔💔💔💔

bb nooooo

Oh honey let me kiss those bruises and replace the marks of violence with love, hm? You’re safe with me.

Breathe, my love. Don’t fight the laughter. Let it out, let yourself go. 

Screams into a pillow because????? much sad must kiss

“have you been keeping up with your journal?” LIKE HE HAS TIME

oHHHHH boi’s close to losing his shit

Do it, Artie. Give ‘em hell.

“I think I did” YOU TELL HER!!💖💖💖

I want to be his cigarette. Where’s Satan??? I got a new deal for my blackened soul which he took at half price😂😂😂😂

I’d have my hand between the door and his head so fuckin fast I swear

“I just don’t wanna feel so bad anymore” yep SAME

ohhhh peekaboo🥺🥺🥺

this makes me giggle ksksksk i watch this scene when i feel sad bc it always makes me happy for the time it’s on

he’s so good with kids; he doesn’t have to try and think about what’s funny, he just does it, he’s himself and it works

FUCK OFF LADY CAN’T YOU SEE HE’S STRUGGLING????

give

him

back

his

card

casually wrinkling my nose against tears lmao

ohhh the way he looks up at those stairs from the bottom

i can feel his exhaustion

me too, my love

step step step step

god i wanna get him the fuck outta gotham

and into my arms and a soft, warm blanket

“eat. you need to eat” LITERALLY WHAT I TELL MYSELF EVERY DAY IN HIS VOICE BC OTHERWISE I JUST WOULDNT EAT???? I’m losing so much weight asdfghjk its not enough tho

SUPAH RATS

Did Arthur come up w that joke or was it actually a Murray joke????

HIS VOICE IS SO SOFT IM CRY??🥺🥺🥺🥺

“I WAS PUT HERE TO SPREAD JOY AND LAUGHTER”

YOU DO BABY, YOU DO!!!! EVERY FUCKING DAY!!!!

go deepthroat a cactus randall - youre already a bit of a prick so🙃🙃🙃

“THE GUYS THINNK YOU’RE A FREAK BUT I LIKE YOU”

HOYT. YOU CAN GO SIT ON A CACTUS TOO

FUCK OFF

😡😡😡😡

“WHY WOULD ANYONE STEAL A SIGN”//”WHY DOES ANYONE DO ANYTIHNG?” HOYT YOU’RE SO FUCKING ILLOGICAL HERE IM????? ERIKA DOES NOT (ALSO WILL NOT LMAO IM A STUBBORN BIITCH) COMPUTE

Can arthur fuck me like he pounds the trash/????🥵🥵👀

those dark curls.... that crooked tooth... must kiss.🥺🥺🥺

pennys casual cruelty makes me so fucking angry

foreshadowingggggg ~  *JAZZ HANDS*

ugh the way he dances with that gun im👀🥵🥵🥵

he enjoys the power of it and his breathing gets deeper asdfghjk

clumsy baby omggggg i just COOED 🥺🥺🥺🥺

okay maybe im stupid but i genuinely dont understand this “senior who needs to graduate” skit i’m??? how is being an intro to western civ student funny im???? someone explain???

but also dont bc fuck that guy lmao arthur’s hilarious

true millenial humour (and brit humour lmao we’re dark asf)

THE WAY ARTIE TWIRLS HIS FINGERS AROUND HIS HAIR AND DANCES IN HIS SEAT IM???🥺🥺🥺

wanna curl up on his lap at night when hes writing and go to sleep with a 

blanket around our bodies🥺🥺🥺🥺

when arthur wears a shirt at home you KNOW it’s a daydream

THAT CROOKED TOOTH IM WANT KISS.

WAIT IS IT CALLED STAND UP COMEDY BC YOU STAND UP... AND ITS COMEDY???

23 FUCKING YEARS, PEOPLE... TO REALISE THAT🙄

WHEN CARNIVAL CAME ON SCREEN I NTHE HOSPITAL I MADE A PORNOGRAPHIC NOISE LMAO I LOVE HIM SO MUCH

IF YOURE HAPPY AND YOU KNOW IT, SHOOT MURRAY

WOOPS WRONG LYRICS

😂

“doctor of laughter”🥺🥺🥺🥺

doctor i have a case of the Big Sad can you... do an exam? 😉😏

NO BB DONT BEAT YOUR HEAD UP THERES PRECIOUS CARGO IN THERE

in what world does chucking cold greasy chips in a girls hair being “nice”???

lmao fuck these guys

ohhh honey breathe. dont fight it, my love, just breathe.

my heart’s breaking for you, you sweet thing🥺🥺🥺

i love you so so so so so so so much ugh you’re an actual fucking angel

just breathe darling

i need to get you a cup of tea with honey in it, your throat must be so sore

ohhhh baby im so sorry

i’d take every single punch if i could

i’d die for you

i wish i could protect you

i wish i could look after you

and take all those hits

and kill those guys for you

im so sorry

sobbingggg

YES GOOD MAN THANK YOUUU

KILL THOSE ASSHOLES LMAO DESERVED IT

yeah i have a grey morality... im similar to deadpool in that way tbh

carnival comin’ to kill your insecurities

8 bullets in a 6 chamber???? mm-hm

DONT FORGET YOUR BAG THATS EVIDENCE

AND THE WIG

RUN BABY RUNNNNNNN

GO GO GO GOOOOOOOOOOOO

RUN LIKE THE WIND BULLSEYE

THE SOUND OF HIS FEET SLAPPING THE PAVEMENT IM👀

OOOOOH JOKER’S WAKIN’ UUUUUUP

fuck he’s so hypnotic

the way he runs his hand down his lower stomach asdfghj🥵

must kiss the inner tendons on his wrists and lick the blood off his face 

must kiss

he moves like water

fuck hes so fluid

bathroom scene = the scene in which my heart and vagina clench at the same time

im WANT

T POSEEEEEEEE

“i still owe you for that, dont i?”

PUNCH OUT IS MY FAVOURITE THING E  V  E  R

D O N T S M I LE

UGH I FUCKING HATE being told to smile if i don’t fucking want to so BIG mood

PLEASE SHUSH ME THE WAY YOU JUST SHUSHED PENNY IM???

but also dont lmao bc i’ll think you’re mad at me and i’ll hide in the bedroom for the rest of the day lmao i’m sensitive✨✨✨

i wanna sit on his lap and still his bouncing knees

“thats not funny”

fuck off penny yes it is

I JUST CHOKED ON MY COFFEE IM???

“but i do” god the  P O W E R

ugh that fucking sexist piece of shit comedian can choke “women look at sex like buying a car” 🤢🤮🤢🤢🤮

chauvinistic pigs can die thanks

his lil trip upstage im cry🥺🥺🥺

ohhh baby. just breathe, darling. it’s okay to be scared. dont fight it. just breathe. 

he and i both cover our mouths when we laugh/smile in the exact same way and it makes me feel closer to him

how can they think hes laughing at himself when hes literally gagging????

people only see what they wanna

the Penny imitation is👌👌👌

s m i l e

i remember when i came home from seeing this for the first time, i got home and dropped to my knees to cry in the bathroom. it was such an emotional release and so much love and i played smile to try to make myself smile but i only made myself cry harder lmaooooo ~ 

smile and thats life are my go-to songs if i gotta cheer tf up

danger sign = neither works

he looks so soft after his “date”🥺🥺🥺

“thats life” yeah but murray you dont even leave the studio so how do you know????

ngl arthur’s anger scares me.

anyone so much as raise their voice at me and i’ll cry really bad and i will shut myself away for the rest of the day and quiet anger terrifies me so his banging abt in the kitchen would freak me tf out😲

angry bb😭

he controls his anger so fast though omgggg ~ 

that soft please sends me

idk where it sends me lmao

down below probably

BARE FACED CARNIVAL OMG THIS SCENE IS SO CUTE

I LOVE THE MATCHING COLOURS ON ARTHUR AND BRUCE TOO ???

okay but the implication that arthur always carries a clown nose on him is🥺🥺🥺

hes such a good clown im?????

lmao im enjoying the show more than bruce is skskskk

arthur’s lil chuckle makes me🥺

his HUMMING im??? soft?????

his brows are so strong and dark omggg ~ he’s so beautiful

OKAY i’ll be honest i’ve seen this alfred/bruce scene and the thomas bathroom scene later on and the penny flashback scene a 100 times and i still dont fucking understand what did or didnt happen regarding arthur’s parentage im????

 ive seen interpretations to say he is thomas’ son and some to say he isnt and i still cant decide so? im stupid i guess 🙃

“a clown thing?” the  s a s s

“it’s exit only” yeah so’s my ass🙃

if i was there in the hospital room i woulda turned that tv off as soon as i realised what clip was gonna play

murray’s cruelty is d i s g u s t i n g

lmao hes an asshole

arthurs lil clap from joyyyyy ~ 🥺🥺🥺

did i say murray???

i meant  m u r r a t

🙃🙃🙃

sneaky baby

wayne hall either has super bad security or arthurs v quick on his feet

🤔🤔🤔🤔

he looks so good in red omggg ~ 

f o r e s h a d o w i n g

arthurs smile when hes watching chaplin is how he smiles when we all gush to each other abt him and ourselves!!!

hes so cuuuuuute🥺🥺🥺🥺😭😭😍😍😍🥰🥰🥰

“told me what” 

ohhhh honey🥺🥺 im so sorry. “crazy” is a trigger word for arthur; it made him start laughing in the bathroom with thomas

“touch my son again ill fucking kill you” yeah?? touch my arthur again and i’ll fucking kill you🙃🙃🙃🙃

^^^ that ones a joke do not come at me

the clerk in arkham was nice to arthur - he, gary and sophie are the good gothamites.

none of it was enough to stop his descent into joker, though, and i’d even say it was too late right at the beginning of the film, too... 

his sock puppet thingy “they cut all those” is such a Joker thing to doooo ~ 

the way arthur’s laughing in the hall at arkham turns into sobbing is gut-wrenching omg the poor thing😭

i wanna hug him and protect him and help him to process this in a healthy way

sweetheart, if i could take all of your pain and put it onto me... i so would. i’d do it in a heartbeat.

i wanna get you into a hot shower, make you some food and sit and listen to you. we can either sit in silence or you can talk to me, my love, and you will be heard and understood and loved.

“i had a bad day”

IT’S OKAY I DIDNT NEED MY HEART ANYWAY OMG YOU POOR SWEET INNOCENT THING IM LOVE YOU🥺💔

THAT ENTIRE LATE NIGHT SCENE LAUGH/SOBBING GOT ME -

💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔

i just wanna hold you and protect you and help you and love you

I’m so fucking sorry, darling. i wish i could take it all away from you

“i havent been happy one minute of my entire fucking life”

NO ONE SHOULD LOOK THAT ANGELIC AFTER COMMITING MATRICIDE IM????

get

that

fucking

gun

away

from

your

face

boi dont test me ill fucking go feral or - no, tell you what, i’ll point the gun at me and see how you like it

im looking respectfully at the green speckled undies scene....👀👀👀

“coming” 😏😏😏

“my mum died im celebrating” and “i stopped taking my medication” and you STILL stayed in the apartment with Arthur????? dudes those are 🚨🚨🚨 signs

woe betide anyone who underestimates arthur fleck lmaoooo

randalls death scene makes me laugh every time omg i feel so vindictive

get WRECKED

i wanna lick the blood off his face. i really want to

ngl i think i have a blood kink... 

“dont look just go” ME WITH MY ACNE WHEN I SEE IT IN THE MIRROR 😂😂😂😂

JOKERJOKERJOKERJOKER 

ASDFGHJKL

J

O

K

E

R

ERIKA.EXE HAS STOPPED WORKING

JOKERJOKERJOKERJOKERJOKERJOKERJOKERJOKERRRRRR

😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍 MY BABY MY MAN OMG THERE HE IS IM CRY???????😭🥺😭🥺😭🥺

my mind is literally blank rn im just staring and crying and smiling so hard my face hurts????? im love him so so so so much

sweet thing’s so used to pain he gets HIT BY A CAR AND KEEPS GOING????

I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU

hghhhhhhhhhhhhhh

euirrrrrrgkjbgkfbirsghigrbugr

*incoherent keyboardsmash to portray utter love*

ohhh baby no dont cry. oh honey😭 i wanna sit on your lap and kiss your tears away

“i love dr sally”

you have a WIFE at home

“DO YOU REMEMBER?” THAT WAS YOUR CUE TO APOLOGISE LMAO GET FUCKED MURRAT

he’s so CUTE

omgggg ~ 

my hearts gonna give out its SQUEEZING SO HARD IT HURTS

YOU MOCK THEM, BABY!!! THEY GOT IT COMING

“i wanna get it right” hes so passionate

my comments have deceased in number bc im just too starstruck and in love to even think clearly lmao

jokers all i know rn and this is the most peaceful ive felt in WEEKS

im sobbing

ugh fuck this hurts so BAD

youre speaking the truth, darling. im so so proud of you and i love you so much

“THEY COULDNT CARRY A TUNE TO SAVE THEIR LIVES” LMAO INSIDE JOKESSS

literally sobbing right now ugh what the fuck youre in so much pain and in the middle of a breakdown and no one saw you

ugh baby im so sorry, you deserve so much better

you tried so hard and you were gonna fall no matter what

IN THE WHITE ROOM

“hi” baby they cant hear you but im COOING 🥺🥺🥺🥺

you’re so fucking cute

say the word and ill burn gotham to the fucking ground for you

i wanna sit atop that car and cradle your head in my lap and wipe the blood off your face and help you stand up and be there for you and and and😭😭😭😭😭😭 i love you so so so much. 

i’d be so much worse off without you in my life. you brought a splash of colour which has never dimmed or faded. it never will. 

b l o o d    s m i l e

=

im wearing my inside on the outside now and it still hurts

angel💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔

i see you and your pain. i love you.

i see you, angel. 

his genuine laughter is🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

that cute lil “ksksks” he does im🥺🥺🥺

i always laugh with him omg the two of us are laughing together ugh its the closest i will ever get to sharing in his joy

 t h a t ‘s    l i f e

i love the hallway daaaaaaaaaaaaaance ~ 

them hips dont lie😉😉😉

i love you i love you i love you i love you omg the sun’s like a halo ugh i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you im singing along to thats life while i type out how much i love you at 220am lmaooooo ~ 

i   l o v e    y o u

[welcometothenightcourt]

hi!! I had a few questions. I’ve been questioning if I’m a system for a while and I rlly don’t know at which point it’s ok to say I am(how do I become confident in that?). I truly feel like different people with separate identities at times, and like I possibly have passive influence..especially with gender and sexuality. but what if if my identity is just fluid? along with feeling like different people, at times I rlly feel like the world and body isn’t mine or that I’m not even real or human. I think im ghostkin(as in involuntarily I feel like I am a ghost..dinosaur too) but I wonder if these are actually non human (or “undead ghost”) alters? how do I tell? recently I also looked back on old(but honestly not even that old at all) conversations.. to find that I had an extremely different typing style and way of behaving.. it distressed me and I didn’t think I could ever behave like that… especially since the way I act/type has changed so much in a short period of time.. I don’t remember this change happening.. possibly it’s just me becoming more mature but I rlly felt disconnected from that “past me.” Ive also always had dissociation and have been forgetful at times… it feels like everyday besides the current present never actually happened and it’s hard to remember or feel like it was me that experienced it. I do end up remembering stuff (it depends-) but is that amnesia? bc I know to have DID and OSDD-1a u need amnesia… so I’m like .. if I don’t have it then would I have OSDD-1b?.. the problem I’m having though… is that I’m not exactly having any communication with ANYONE in any way and I know very little(no names and such) about any other alters except: one feels transmasc one feels transfem and I started calling the transfem one momo?.. there’s also me having a traumatic experience and started to identity 100% as a fictional character (two but mainly this one happens right at the trauma) so I wonder if it’s not a kin but a fictives? .. plus at a young age I do remember experiencing trauma … so it makes me wonder if I’m a system or not .. but honestly I don’t know how to tell at this point bc I’ve tried to talk to others and it doesn’t work … I don’t feel confident saying I’m a system bc my experiences are not the same as others.. (they have carrds listing s bunch of info on all alters) and I don’t…and I don’t want u to dx me!! I just don’t know what to do at this point in time..? I don’t know how to move forward or what I should do .. when is it ok to say I’m a system and how do I know which disorder I have?…I’m scared to tell my therapist ANYTHING mental health relays honestly

hi!! I had a few questions. I’ve been questioning if I’m a system for a while and I rlly don’t know at which point it’s ok to say I am(how do I become confident in that?). I truly feel like different people with separate identities at times, and like I possibly have passive influence..especially with gender and sexuality. but what if if my identity is just fluid? along with feeling like different people, at times I rlly feel like the world and body isn’t mine or that I’m not even real or human. I think im ghostkin(as in involuntarily I feel like I am a ghost..dinosaur too) but I wonder if these are actually non human (or “undead ghost”) alters? how do I tell? recently I also looked back on old(but honestly not even that old at all) conversations.. to find that I had an extremely different typing style and way of behaving.. it distressed me and I didn’t think I could ever behave like that… especially since the way I act/type has changed so much in a short period of time.. I don’t remember this change happening.. possibly it’s just me becoming more mature but I rlly felt disconnected from that “past me.” Ive also always had dissociation and have been forgetful at times… it feels like everyday besides the current present never actually happened and it’s hard to remember or feel like it was me that experienced it. I do end up remembering stuff (it depends-) but is that amnesia? bc I know to have DID and OSDD-1a u need amnesia… so I’m like .. if I don’t have it then would I have OSDD-1b?.. the problem I’m having though… is that I’m not exactly having any communication with ANYONE in any way and I know very little(no names and such) about any other alters except: one feels transmasc one feels transfem and I started calling the transfem one momo?.. there’s also me having a traumatic experience and started to identity 100% as a fictional character (two but mainly this one happens right at the trauma) so I wonder if it’s not a kin but a fictives? .. I also feel like often I’m possibly co con ?? bc I’ll feel unlike “me”/the body yet say “I have to be (body name) who else could I be)… plus at a young age I do remember experiencing trauma … so it makes me wonder if I’m a system or not .. but honestly I don’t know how to tell at this point bc I’ve tried to talk to others and it doesn’t work … I don’t feel confident saying I’m a system bc my experiences are not the same as others.. (they have carrds listing s bunch of info on all alters) and I don’t…and I don’t want u to dx me!! I just don’t know what to do at this point in time..? I don’t know how to move forward or what I should do .. I’m scared to tell my therapist ANYTHING mental health relays honestly Rn

Okay, first things first bud: slow down. Take a breath, and remember that there is absolutely no rush to come to these conclusions. Not about your system status, not about your gender, not about any of this stuff.

Next: As long as you’ve done your research, and taken time to really look at yourself and did/osdd/udd, and you feel like your experiences align with them, then it’s okay to self dx it.

As for the amnesia, yes. Amnesia is most commonly thought about as a complete black out, Idk what the hell happened at all kind of amnesia, but that’s not the only or even the most common type of amnesia. While black outs happen for some, grey outs (sort of remembering, but also not really, maybe like remembering big events but not any details of the event) or emotional amnesia (remembering something sort of but also feeling very emotionally disconnected) are far more common.

It’s important to remember that no ones experiences in system life are exactly the same way. Just because your experiences aren’t exactly the same as those you see doesn’t disqualify you from having the disorder at all. For every system you see out here having organisation and lists and blogs and whatnot there are three to five more you don’t see because their systems aren’t so comfortable with that or known or communicative or overt enough.

On a personal note, it took five years for us since we started questioning and noticing things to even accept and conclude that we were a system, and three years since that to get to the communication level that we have. Also, remember that here on Tumblr and on places like TikTok and whatnot, we get to choose how we present ourselves, what we do and do not share. We tailor how others see us. And most of the time for yalls viewing pleasure, we keep our dark shit off of this page. Our serious struggles and trauma and bad shit that comes with DID goes to our private vent page. What you see on social media is not ever going to be a 100% perspective of a disorder and all of the ways it manifests.

That being said, if you feel like you don’t quite fit the criteria for DID or OSDD, there is another diagnoses called UDD which can include those with systems. Please read this post for more on self dx, the criteria for DID, OSSD, and UDD, and related. (It’s also pinned in our pinned post, so you may or may not have read it already)

Lastly, the fact that you don’t feel comfortable talking to your Mental Health Professional about mental health is very concerning. I strongly recommend you get a new MHP asap with whom you can discuss these things if at all possible.

I hope this helps, and if you have any more questions or if I missed something you wanted a direct response to, don’t hesitate to ask. Always happy to answer to the best of my ability

[sweet-xoxo-thatcares]

Pan? Polysexual sounds better now

Back to guys, gay girls, nonbinaries, pan, bi, gender-fluid, and queer people.

I might have to take a recap on matches who are trans for right now,

I still have a lot to learn about what my true identity is for right now.

Because I really can't stick to just one label...

Aye, that's just me. And dating apps are starting to feel like a job, there's too many people matching with me and trying to remember names is getting a lot to handle when you're on 3 different apps and about 20 conversations going at the same time. And still 99 people waiting on you to swipe right on them, on each one. And plus I'm not as picky about looks as I was before, so I'm mostly reading just bios, analyzing photos to see what could be their interests in, and making sure I'm not being too passive on red flags when people talk to you.

I will admit, I still swipe right on them if they're trans and I'm attracted to them. I just know me, I'd rather date someone who was fully transitioned or somebody who is still on the nonbinary, before part. Only because I know me.

I had to watch someone I had already grown into getting to know and getting attached to, and then when I finally got comfortable with them for over a yr, they changed that drastically during those 3months we were separate and I had no idea about it.....I'm not sure if I could watch it happen before my eyes. Cause then I would have to miss the way they were before, because of my attraction to their naturally mixed feminine/masculine looking features and actions. So, ideally I wouldn't have changed anything about them.

I don't wanna grow attached to a voice or a face or a body that will no longer be there tomorrow. I know that person before is still in there, but it's different when you're romantically attracted to them, been intimate with them vs when you're just a friend. My experience shocked and scared my paranoia and fear of change. I remember crying when my dad started growing white and grey hairs in his beard. Cause I never want my dad to change, cause I've grown up with him being this strong man that always was there for me, held me, made me feel safe, calmed me down when I had my moments, and tucked me in when I wanted to feel comfortable. He showed me that he always loved me, always cared about me, and that he was never gonna leave me. As if he's never gonna die during my time on this earth. Seeing his greyishly, white hairs, I thought death and that my daddy will soon no longer be the fun, happy, strong dad that I've always been with as his princess. And that's kind of what vibe this particular person was to me, even though they weren't as smart, strong, or always there for me....cause most of the time my nights alone cause they couldn't or didn't know I needed them to be there fo r me like that to feel loved or just to feel wanted. Cause I couldn't speak up.

But now, that they has turned into a he. I feel like its brutally denying me to chance to not only say goodbye to them as they, but I would have to get reacquainted to HE, with a totally different name, maybe different personality, maybe different sexuality, and I won't know if I like the new evolved version of this person. The fear of the unknown is high for me. Especially when there's a 40% rate of fems that decided to change their sexual orientation after taking testosterone. I 'm possessive about my partners and I would hate to know that after seeing this person physically change and go through so much emotional/mental changes that one day they decide "Hey, I think I like men now, I wanna give this a shot. Could we make this work?"

I would tell Him, to go right ahead and go on a date with that coworker or guy on Tinder/Grinder. But I'm not gonna be here when you come home. Because to me that's some bullshit. And I've known this person well enough to know, that they don't mind using other people to meet their sexual needs that I can't possibly give them due to my actual gender and my body as such. I wouldn't want to share my partner, nor watch them get fucked by another man...because I'm not a man, im a woman...theres a huuuuuugggeeee difference.

And if it ever came to that point 3 yrs later and He became someone I didn't know anymore, because of the hormones changing how they feel as a man, dysphoria gone....I get it, you've hated yourself for years and now you're happy in the dream body you always asked for. But, I would be scared to lose you, to whoever else you decide to open up to in your selections. Cause you're that type to leave to please you and not make it work. I don't want somebody who changes their mind all the time about who they wanna be, who else do they wanna smash, and who else they can flirt with. That's cheater mentality.

And I'm sorry trans community that I'm basing my recent experience with someone as the example for the rest of you. Because I know there are some ftm's who've already changed and stayed with their partners. I just don't know if I could trust this process, knowing the effects, the research on whether or not they become completely detached to women or become bisexual... I can't.

And I'm thankful for the ftm's that have been posting youtube videos and tiktoks for viewers like me who are curious about the possible cons, and physical or emotional changes they've overcome. I was shocked the first time I ever watched a bandaged ftm, who finally unrevealed their scars from top surgery. I've always been preparing myself for this. Because I knew one day, that this cute, fluffy, soft skinned, white latino looking, but really just mixed mocha, nonbinary person was gonna be...changed over a year or so. I thought I could prepare for it, so that when it does happen it doesn't hurt as much to watch to them in pain if the bleeding from the scars are irritating them or if one day they're super cranky and obnoxious for what seems to be no reason. Or if one day they end up feeling they dont need anybody like Zanthos, with the 4 avenger rings lol.

But I'm too damn fucking sensitive. I was born this way. I've always prepared myself with the worst and the best information, that way when it does happen, the tidal wave of emotions from the reaction, doesn't end up torching my soul or blowing me out the water. Cause I am gay. I adore women, men, and when I met this person I loved them as an in-betweener as nonbinary. They are so brutally harsh, twisted, manipulative, jealous, and possesive. But I've always liked that they had these emotions inside of them that they hold back because they don't wanna seem so soft, always hiding this feminine quality about them because ideally, they're pretty looking, gorgeous eyes that can turn black cold like obsidian, and those fucking cheeks and cat nose. I've only seen the slight hips, but I didn't mind it. And they've always hid their body away even when we would try to have sex. I knew the dysphoria was there, cause again I prepared myself to be patient and kind.

So, I'm glad they're turning a new leaf to make themselves feel more confident about being recognized in society as a full, grown ass man. I'm pretty sure HE, is gonna get cocky af, cause that's just the way he was when they were they.

I know it's selfish of me to say, but I'm afraid of what will happen down the line years later. But that's just me being afraid. If He ends up not liking me anymore, I know it won't be the end of the world and I walked away at the right time when I did. Because this person is currently separated from me, and I'm still insecure about that part too. Not knowing how they are during this transition for what may become years or not...I hope HE is doing okay and not piercing everyone with their new, world domination, ego.

I just don't wanna imagine them get fucked by a guy....sorry that's just me. And will their buttery ass kisses, still be as sweet anymore?

Will I be ok with HE having chest hair?

Will I love the sound of their new voice or will I just hate it, while still missing the old, brodie, sexy, slightly feminine voice?

Especially when they used to go all soft and cuddly on me over the phone, it was soooo cuteeee. I miss our phone and text conversations.

Will they grow into another relationship with somebody else because they started to become unattached and unattracted to my body, my tits, my hips, my vagina even....just because they completely changed their identity?

And I still a woman? I've only thought about wearing a binder a couple of times, and yes, I do watch ftm and trans porn because I did like the fantasy of being intimate with someone who had a bigger clit size or just having a big clit of my own that felt like a dick.

I'm willing to admit that. Because let's be honest, boys get away with so much more shit as a male, compared to us females.

I wish I could grow a dick overnight and nobody not know I'm still a chick! Lol, but I still don't like the all over hair body growth and I still want my vagina back. Like a rental suit with an actual dick and no tits. Those are the onllyyyyyyyyy things I've thought about, but would never admit out loud. Only because I still like my body and my gender identity as is. I feel like the blue girl from X-Men could get away with it, cause she can be anybody she wants to and go back to being herself at the end of the day. And still camouflage behind walls. Lucky chick. Especially if she could teleport, oh he'll yeah.

It's gonna take me awhile to get over this, so please be patient with me. As I'm trying not to cry as I watch my ftm porn get fucked by a guy. Cause I used to be heavy into it, now I feel wrong for watching it and then I'm reminded "40% chance, you're watching it" 😞🤮😫

[ravs6709]

How did you figure out you were asexual? I'm questioning whether or no I'm asexual, and wanted to hear what advice you had..

Not gonna lie anon, I really needed that ask. While I'm ace and proud, there's still that small part of me that internalizes stuff, and I've gone on rants in my head, but to be able to articulate my thoughts is super helpful. And wow, I'm honored that you came to me!

Because you asked me about being ace, I didn't really talk about me being aro (two completely different experiences for me). If you wanna know more about me being aro, just ask!

This is super rambly and it includes a lot of details that are very likely unnecessary, but I think that to me, they mattered a lot or give context. I'm gonna put a read more just for convenience sake.

My mom's one of those parents who kinda brought up the topic of marriage and the future when I was really young. Jokes about "your future husband..." (yeah, that's why I have stuff internalized). I can't really remember a time she didn't do it. All I remember was that she said I wasn't allowed to date until I'm an adult at least

Me being like... 10 was like, "ew dating" because I'm sure a lot of young people would be like that. Or maybe not, who knows. Maybe it's because my parents aren't lovey-dovey whatsoever (let's not delve into that).

I never vibed with the concept of kissing and dating and all that, but in my head, I kinda just figured that oh yeah, I guess when I do grow up, I'll get a crush on some guy and yknow, romance?

Fast forward like, 3 years, its middle school. My friend reads kotlc and fangirls over Keefex. I read kotlc, and see that Keefex is a gay ship. Me back then didn't actually know what being gay was, so when I learned that mlm relationships were a thing, I immediately did research

Found the LGBT community. From there, I found asexual. And well, I still never really vibed with romance and sex, so well, when I found it, I just thought that it described me at the time.

It took a little bit before I properly started iding as both aro and ace though. My confusion wasn't as much towards the ace part as it was being aro. I still hardly knew what sex was at the time, tbh, but I knew that the health classes had always made me queasy. So I realized that nah, if just the mention of parts made me nauseous, sex itself was worse.

Im sure my experience is kinda common, the feeling of being disgusted at the topic of sex and genitals and all that (it took me years to even say or type the word sex, and I'm a little more open to hearing about it, but would prefer not to). For me, being ace was actually easy to figure out, because I always had the feeling, I just didn't realize that it was actually important, and that there was a name.

But I also know that some people aren't disgusted, it's just that they don't vibe. It's different for everyone. Some people are even fine with sex, they can read and hear and watch and have no problems, its just not something that you want.

Now this isn't quite the same, but I guess one easy question you can ask yourself is, "do I want to have sex?"

[Edit. Ace people can want to have sex. The question is about feeling attracted to another person. Like, looking at a person and thinking, "oh, do I want to have sex with them?"]

Another thing is, asexuality is a spectrum. There's being full on ace, which is what I am. But there's being demi, which is when you're close and have a bond with someone. And grey just means that it's super rare. There's others, but I'm not familiar with the terms yet.

Non ace people can answer no, but ace people will mostly likely say no, or at least, that's how I think it would be.

[Second edit, but I say this as an sex-repulsed ace, but some are neutral or even favorable. If you don't fit in with being repulsed, that's okay!]

I think the most important part of what I'm going to say is here though. Sexuality is fluid. It changes. So if you choose to id as ace now, but then you don't later, you're not betraying anyone. I promise, your feelings are valid.

I hope that my advice helps you sort through your feelings a little. And even if it doesn't thats okay, it's okay to question yourself! Also, if you have any other questions, I will gladly take any other asks, or you could pm me. I'm always up for discussing about experiences being ace!

[blakelywintersfield]

Help! Part one: Backstory- when I was a kid I saw love triangles & thought well why can't they just all date bc i was a kid & didn't understand polyamoury so my parents told me that polyamoury is no longer acceptable in today's society. So I grew up in a monogamous society & believed that polyamoury was non existent. Then I thought it was wrong, or at least unhealthy. Then I believed that triangle romances were ok but not Vs or open relationships but I still disliked polyam as an idea

I disliked polyamoury as an idea & didnt support that lifestyle but if any1 hated on my polyams I would defend em. Now Im ~accepting/supportive of polyam bc if they communicate (like any relationship) then itll turn out fine (if all parties are poly, that is.) example- i had a friend whos strictly mono but he dated a poly guy who was abusive& treated my friend like a sidechick. When they broke up my friend put his mono ass into another poly romance &bc of his trauma & bpd he was toxic & trying to make his bf mono & felt like he was the sidechick again despite his bf treating both of His bfs equally. & he also had a bad experience with polyamoury so he knew how my friend felt. (Communication is important) Present day- so here comes my issue. I think I might be poly. But I suck at communication & I seem to have internalized issues & polyphobia & I'm not sure whether I "believe" in it or not. Idk what to do & I don't think my parents would approve esp since I don't even approve. What if it's just romanticized or fetishized & I'm not actually poly? I don't want to be poly. I wish society didn't frown upon it bc thst might help. So here I am, a 17yo on Tumblr, asking an older queer for help.

Hi hun! Hopefully, I’m not getting back to you too late on this; sorry it took me a minute to respond!

Firstly, I want you to know that no matter what you turn out to be -- monogamous or polyamorous -- that the way you love isn't unhealthy. Neither type of relationship structure is better than the other; it purely depends on how you feel during it. I know it may be hard to accept something that you were raised to see as immoral or wrong; believe it or not, I was raised extremely homophobic and transphobic, and accepting I was queer and trans was a big shift for me. Hell, I just came to terms with being grey-aromatic -- and that one was hard as hell, because well. I do like romantic relationships. I love that closeness, that bond. Accepting that it was rare as hell for me to feel that towards anyone else was really tough, but it was also liberating. I realized, wow, I wasn't broken because I couldn't romantically connect with others that had mutual interest in me; it's just my romantic orientation. The same may go for you -- if you end up being polyamorous, accepting it can really free you of guilt you may have felt in the past for having a crush on two people and wanting to date them both, because there's nothing wrong with wanting that.

I'm personally monogamous. I know I am because of a few reasons -- I'm worn out very easily by social situations, and even friendships are hard for me to manage just because my social battery is really low. I don't think I have the social stamina to keep up with multiple partners, and I would hate to neglect one or more of my partners, or make them feel unwanted / unloved. I'm a solitary person by nature. And that's okay! I also do have issues feeling insecure, and while I am working on that, I don't think it would personally be healthy for me if I had a partner who was polyamorous, because I'd worry they would get bored of me / leave me for the other. Which is unrealistic -- in a healthy polyamorous relationship, this wouldn't be an issue, but I know my anxiety and relationship insecurity is bad enough that it would put a polyamorous partner through too much stress. Being on the aromantic spectrum too, I just don't know how likely it'd be for me to find a partner, let alone multiple, so that's a personal factor for me, but besides that, my reason for being monogamous are based on how I know myself to be in romantic partnerships.

One of my best friends is polyamorous. One of her biggest reasons is because she feels the need for a support system that goes past friendship -- partners that could live with her, help her raise a family, make sure she stays safe (she has some physical and emotional/mental issues). It makes her feel more secure to know she has multiple people looking out for her, and makes her feel like she's not putting too much stress on one person. The distribution of responsibility makes her feel much more comfortable than having one person take it all on. In a sense, the reason I'm monogamous is the same reason she's polyamorous -- a feeling of security.

Regardless of what kind of relationship you have, it should make you feel secure. Obviously we all have our moments -- as someone with BPD, I have times where I'm insecure just about my friendships, and even my relationship with my parents. Sometimes we all feel insecure, but if it's a constant feeling and it can't be taken care of with reassurance, then you may want to reconsider the relationship -- be it monogamous or polyamorous. Think about your expectations from a relationship; what would you want the outcome to be? If you had multiple partners, what would that look like long-term for you? This should be based purely off what you want / need -- not based off what others may think of you or what negative ideas others might get, because at the end of the day, those who don't support a healthy path to happiness don't have opinions you should judge off of.

There's also different types of polyamorous relationships, and from what I know, most polyamorous people tend to have a relationship set they prefer -- for example, you mentioned open relationships. That's a type of polyamory where, usually, a couple may have another partner / multiple partners, and their position could be anything from a partner to a friend with benefits; the couple usually sets the boundaries on what they expect (i.e. "you can sleep with other people, but I want us to stay the main couple") and then they explain those boundaries to anyone they may wish to engage with. It may seem strange that a couple committed to each other would sleep with other people, but there's a variety of reasons, ranging from kinks to sexual needs to libido (i.e. a couple with a sex-replused asexual who is comfortable with their partner having responsible / safe sex with other people to satisfy their sexual needs). Some people who have needs like my best friend may benefit from Vs; where one person has two partners, but those partners don't date each other. That doesn't mean they're not aware of each other -- that's NOT polyamory, that's cheating. As you said, polyamory takes communication, and without that, it's not healthy polyamory. There's also Triads (three people all dating each other), Fluid Chains (these tend to end up being two people already in polyamorous couples that start dating each other), and much more! I'd say the judgement of you needs and expectations in a relationship should help you decide what type of relationship you'd want.

As you brought up, there's always a risk of getting into a polyamorous relationship that ends up toxic, but that risk is just as likely as ending up in a toxic monogamous relationship -- neither relationship type is "more prone" to toxicity. I'm very sorry your friend dealt with it firsthand, especially because the first experience being a toxic one can make it very hard to get past that trauma. Getting out of any kind of toxic relatinship can leave you with some trust issues and things to work out; it's just as toxic to force a polyamorous person to be monogamous as it is for a monogamous person to be polyamorous. If you're not comfortable with a certain relationship style, you shouldn't force yourself to comform to someone else's, and vice versa.

I know in the recent years, with polyamory starting to become more talked about, understood, and accepted, that it may seem like it really is the perfect way to date. And for some, it is! For others, not so much. I really recommend making a list of your expectations out of a relationship (as I said before), because that may help you clear up whether or not it's just been romanticized to you, or if you may actually be polyamorous yourself. If possible, maybe try finding some local polyamory support groups / meetups, and seeing if you can find other people who are also questioning whether they're mono or poly -- sometimes what helps is talking to others who have questions, because they may also have answers. It may also end up benefitting you because if you end up dating someone else who isn't sure but is open to trying, you can both safely explore that type of relationship without risking the other not being open to polyamory. Since you are 17, I would highly suggest finding groups geared towards those under 21, because regardless of relationship orientation, an older person persuing you is not okay. Anyone involved in your relationship should be around your age, even if you're not directly dating them.

Sorry if this was a little mixed around, if you need to ask for clarifications on anything, or have any other questions, please feel free to ask! Good luck hun! <3

[artemiss-draws]

How I Learned of Asexuality (And My Journey With It):

Asexuality is slightly covered in a fog of misunderstanding and confusion, as is most, if not all, of the LGBTQ+ community. In this post I will explain my own journey/type of asexuality as well as knocking down some negative things that I’ve heard people say towards asexuality. Read on if you’re curious about it, starting to question your own sexuality, or are simply a fellow asexual/LGBTQ+ community member who want to find more people like them or just want to see what other people are like.

Let’s begin! I identify as Asexual (and lean towards panromantic as well).

Imma first explain the Ace part (*Ace is a shortened term for asexual :)*).

What does asexual mean? Well I’m glad you asked! It means that sex doesn’t really appeal to me (like, with anyone). Honestly I’d rather eat dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets with mis-matched fuzzy socks on while wrapped in a warm blanket watching my favorite tv show. Asexuality is different for everyone, some are staunchly against everything physical, some like limited physical activity, and there are even asexuals who DO have sex. There’s different labels for all of that. If you have some questions on that, I would suggest looking up the Ace spectrum, which ranges from demisexual (you need to have a deep emotional connection to someone if you do end up having sex) all the way to Aromantic-Asexual (Which means that they aren’t romantically or physically attracted to people usually at all) and there’s everything inbetween and beyond. Again, it’s different for everyone.

Personally, I do like cuddling and sometimes kissing (Idk tho since I’ve never kissed anyone) but for the most part, I don’t think about sex or really find it to be something I want to do. It does interest me in the aspect that its a form of showing love for a person, but I don’t really want to do it. I find that it makes me slightly grey-ace (which from what I understand, is like a sort of questioning ace, who doesn’t really have strict guidelines on their sexuality- which is okay either way, strict or non strict).

*Sidenote, this may change in the future. I see sexuality as something that’s fluid, so hey, maybe I might find myself identifying as something else as my life goes on. But for now, it’s a strong no thank you. *

You may have remembered that I mentioned panromantic, right? Well that means that I do have *crushes*, if you will. This includes celebrity crushes- for example, Tom Holland is gorgeous, Ruby Rose is an ethereal being, and Emma Watson is perfection. I think those people are absolutely stunning and even hot, but I don’t really want to do anything with them. I basically find people of all genders attractive af. There’s even people at my school who I find to be gorgeous af (it may just be their hair though… I’ll find out more as I go lol).

But that’s as far as it goes (people look pretty and I’d love to hug them, but most anything else is a no).

Now onto how I found out I was Asexual! Asexuality wasn’t something I was aware of until my freshman year of highschool. I had picked up Tumblr again, and I was starting to see a lot of LGBTQ awareness posts. I saw myself as an ally, but not much else. I remember seeing a post of all the different flags, and the Asexual one really stood out to me (I don’t know how I feel about the fact that I learned of asexuality because I found the flag to be pretty, but for now I try not to think of myself as false because of it). I researched the flag and started to learn about it.

At first I didn’t really think about how similar it was to how I felt. Honestly, I only really kept the knowledge because a friend of mine had come out as Asexual and I wanted to learn more. Over time, I started to realize that I identified as this, but I only really recently came out to friends because of the multiple comments and things that I heard and read that put asexuality down as fake.

I honestly felt like I was a fraud who was trying to insert themselves into the LGBTQ community when I didn’t need to. My best friend came out as nonbinary and pansexual, and honestly they truly helped me to become okay with the fact that I was ace.

My parents are another story, though. My parents are rather accepting of the LGBTQ community compared to the rest of society, and my mother has even told me she’s okay if I’m gay or bi. She even makes sure to use the right pronouns with my friends. But, and of course there’s a but, when I told her I was Asexual she immediately denied it.

She refuses to believe that it’s a thing and tells me I don’t need labels because that’s just sad. I’ve cried more than once over this. I can see how hard she tries, but it still feels like a punch to the gut when you’re not allowed to be the way you are around family.

My mom gets that I’m not really interested in relationships and she even defends me when my romance obsessed grandmother hounds me for information about any possible relationships I’ve had without her knowledge (still none, grandma. Please let me eat my chicken nuggets in peace). But her lack of knowledge about asexuality seems to make her doubt it being a thing.

I’ve told myself that there are others who have had it worse, and that at least my friends accept me, but it would be nice to live in a perfect world where I am fully accepted.

And to everyone reading this far, not only am I impressed, but I’m always here to talk. Literally send me a dm about ANYTHING and I will immediately jump in and start talking even if I don’t know a thing about it. I will research if I have to.

Matt just fucked everything up? Tell me more about what this idiot did and I will totally listen to you about FuCkInG SHitTy AsS MaTt. Your favorite character just died a fiery death? Give me a sec to research it and THEN IM DOWN TO RANT WITH YOU. I accept everyone, because so many people don’t, and I think there needs to be a push towards this.

Now onto the quotes I have taken from people that have been said to me and my own rebuttals-

To people who have told me I can’t be asexual and that “I need to choose a real sexuality”, Why can’t I be asexual?

“You’re too young to know” Okay, so fucking what? Being straight is as much of a choice as ace and everyone seems to accept straightness in whatever age sooo….

“You can’t just say neither!”(when talking about homo/hetero sexuality) Why not? Why does my sexuality concern you to this point?

“I thought the same way when I was your age, but I know better now.” That’s great, but sexuality is fluid. You aren’t me and I’m not you. Let me choose.

“It’s so sad you feel like you need labels.” The only reason I use labels is because I can relate to others like me and find a place for myself to fit with. (And isn’t straight a label? Just because you’re considered normal and don’t need to outright state your sexuality doesn’t mean you’re unlabeled so back the heck up and keep your heteronormative comments to yourself please and thank you).

“You haven’t even had sex anyway so how do you know?” Well, I think to myself, “does this appeal to me?” and guess what??? The answer is NO! Look, nothing past kissing and cuddling has ever really sounded attractive to me, and just because I’m 16 doesn’t mean that I have no clue what I’m talking about.

“But you like [insert name here]!” Yeah, they’re cute as fuck, but I’m not down to bang. Just sayin.

“Don’t you want kids?” Look my dude, there are so many ways now and even more will be created in the future for me to have a kid and not do the do to get it there. Pregnancy scares the living shit out of me anyway sooo. Moving on.

“That’s not even a thing.” Yes, it kinda is. There’s even famous people who identify as Asexual. Legit do some research it’s actually really interesting. Isaac Newton? Physics over physicality. (I just cracked my self up at that one haha). Anyway, historians are p sure he was Asexual.

In the end, I’m just me. Art nerd who loves sports and comics and the oddest combination of foods you could imagine. The fact that I’m asexual is just that. Another fact. And for anyone questioning if they might identify as a form of Ace, it’s okay if you later find out you’re something different. It’s okay to be Ace as well. It doesn’t define you, but it can help shape your life. If you think no one is going to accept you, just know the world is full of people who will, you just gotta find ‘em.

Whatever makes you the happiest is what you should strive for. I encourage you all to do some research! Get out there and learn! Because the more you learn, the less you fear the unknown and can finally be happy.

Toodles!

[smallsushi]

♡ get to know me stuff♡??

1. Who was the last person you held hands with?

- my boyfriend

2. Are you outgoing or shy?

- outgoing

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?

- uhh no one

4. Are you easy to get along with?

- yes i think so

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?

- my boyfriend

6. What kind of people are you attracted to?

- hopeless romantics, smarties, good at math types. geeks, gamers. kind of goofy.

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?

- i am in one not a very good one.. so maybe not

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?

- no one

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?

- no unless it’s a dude

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?

- Leon

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?

- “come watch stream” by my boyfriend

12. What are your 5 favourite songs right now?

- i’m really into joji rn and brent faiyaz

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?

- only if i like them

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?

- i want to so i lowkey do

15. What good thing happened this summer?

- i made friends and some especially good ones like Z, L, Ne and D

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

- no

17. Do you think there is life on other planets?

- why not? maybe woooo woo

18. Do you still talk to your first crush?

- haha no never ever >__<

19. Do you like bubble baths?

- ofcourse

20. Do you like your neighbours?

- idk them

21. What are you bad habits?

- overthinking and vaping! i promise i’ll stop sometime soon~

22. Where would you like to travel?

- paris, i just want to be there some day

23. Do you have trust issues?

- yes i have been wronged by many people i would never hurt

24. Favorite part of your daily routine?

- sleeping and dreaming. and ofc day dreaming in the morning. my life.. well isnt that exciting right now.

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?

- all of it, i’m ugly asf imo

26. What do you do when you wake up?

- lay in bed for a while and think...

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?

- honestly... lighter. people always say smth abt my skin tone. my boyfriend likes lighter girls too. would help me feel better.

28. Who are you most comfortable around?

- no one like completely..

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?

- no i’m sure he hates me for dumping him

30. Do you ever want to get married?

- my instant thought is no, but i know if i am truly happy i would want that.

31. If your hair long enough for a pony tail?

- yes

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?

- to me thinking abt celebs like that is weird they are like real life humans. and i haven’t found anyone incredibly sexually attractive to share fluids with thanks.

33. Spell your name with your chin.

- kjzw bro my name has 5 letters

34. Do you play sports? What sports?

- i was in basketball and gymnastics for 2 years

35. Would you rather live without TV or music?

- tv

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?

- yes, because i was too young.

37. What do you say during awkward silences?

- something that makes the situation worse.

38. Describe your dream girl/guy?

- is it weird that my dream guy is straight out of a novel series? the guy who buys flowers, sends hand written letters, makes playlists, surprises me, has my picture in his wallet, isn’t afraid to be madly obsessed with me ok ok i’ll get out of my head now.

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?

- i dont have favourites but i love sephora

40. What do you want to do after high school?

- bro i want to die i’m 22

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?

- umm sometimes. we are all human.

42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?

- i’m hurt

43. Do you smile at strangers?

- sometimes if they smile at me

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?

- no

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?

- at this point.. i want to go to paris. i want to see paris before i die. i’m extremely suicidal but thinking about not seeing paris before i die kind of gives me hope UwU

46. What are you paranoid about?

- being lied to, or made a complete fool of.

47. Have you ever been high?

- yes

48. Have you ever been drunk?

- yes

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?

- yes

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?

- grey

51. Ever wished you were someone else?

- all the time

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?

- i wish i could be prettier... maybe then i wouldn’t get treated like shit.

53. Favourite makeup brand?

- too faced.. always ♡

54. Favourite colour?

- pink and purple... i like pastels..

55. Favourite food?

- good ol spaghetti and meatballs with heaps of parmesan

56. Last thing you ate?

- lol coffee, i havent ate in two dayss depression gang :3

57. First thing you ate this morning?

- coffee

58. Ever been in love?

- yes

59. How many pillows do you sleep with?

- 4

60. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?

- i wish i could but i dont have any stuffies atm

61. Favourite animal?

-cats

62. Favourite tv show?

umm black mirror, mr robot, bbt, you etc

63. Favourite movie?

- requiem for a dream, mr nobody, anything that blows my mind tbh

64. First person you talked to today?

- my boyfriend

65 Last person you talked to today?

- my boyfriend

66. Name a person you hate?

- dont hate anyone

67. Name a person you love?

- ig my boyfriend

68. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?

- no

69. Do you regret anything from your past?

- yes

70. Do you miss anyone from your past?

- nope

71. Ever broken someone’s heart?

- yes

72. Have you ever been on a horse?

- yes and it was scary

73. Is something irritating you right now?

- a lot of things but i dont mind

74. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?

- no, usually it hurts after they like me back

75. Do you have trust issues?

- lol yes

76. Who was the last person you cried in front of?

- my boyfriend

77. What was your childhood nickname?

- bubblegum was a favourite so ill say that here

78. Have you ever been out of your province/state?

- yes

79. Favourite book?

- 1984 George Orwell a big mind fuck fest

80. Are you afraid of the dark?

- yes, and even more scared when im actually with multiple people like which ones the ghost ah!

81. Are you mean?

- sometimes when im moody or angry

82. Is cheating ever okay?

- nope never

83. Do you believe in love at first sight?

- no its probably just lust

84. Do you believe in true love?

- i do because i love truly

85. Are you currently bored?

- very, life is dull atm

86. What makes you happy?

- sunshine, travelling, people watching, music, cats, anime, gaming, reading, someone loving me truly but hey lets be real~

87. Would you change your name?

- no i actually love my first name

88. What your zodiac sign?

- im a sag

89. Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

- one is married, one is too pure to like me and the other one is someone i do kinda have a vibe with, either way i will stay away and tell them its wrong since i have a boyfriend.

91. Favourite lyrics right now?

- "I'm not living, I'm just killing time." - True Love Waits, Radiohead

92. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?

- closed

93. How tall are you?

- 5'2

94. Curly or Straight hair?

- curly/wavy

95. What’s your favourite quote?

- "I see now that the circumstances of one's birth are irrelevant. It is what you do with the gift of life that determines who you are" -Mewtwo

96. Do you believe in ghosts?

- noo

[theratprince]

processing some more stuff about IDing as gray-aro/ace, putting it under a line because it’s probs gonna be long

like i’d kind of thought about IDing as demisexual for a looong time and it didn’t feel quite right because sometimes i do experience sexual attraction based solely on physical appearance. but also i didn’t want to be grey-ace because i dated someone who was grey-ace and i remember wanting to have sex a lot but they didn’t and so that didn’t feel quite right. but also maybe i just had a lot of messed-up feelings about sex and relationships because i’d become so dependent on those things for validation. and even i have been craving a romantic relationship up until a few months ago, and looking back i think it was still tied into a kind of false dependency on romantic relationships. sexuality is certainly fluid, so for whatever reason i was an intensely, obsessively sexual and romantic being, and for a long time now i absolutely haven’t been. and certainly many trans people don’t have a full understanding of their orientation until they are at a point where they feel comfortable enough to know themselves.

so for a lil while i was like “i’ll just rescind labels entirely” and even rn i kind of fluctuate between IDing as male or agender. i’m male about 80% of the time and agender about 20% of the time, and they definitely feel like distinctively different states. but the grey-aro feelings are more consistent, in spite of the fact that it is a fairly inconsistent orientation?

but it’s like. i’ve had these feelings for so long -- that i do want a romantic/sexual relationship but i don’t feel like i’m looking/waiting for the right one in the way that a lot of people seem to be doing. i don’t like dating. i don’t like making the effort to persuade someone to find me attractive, as i so rarely experience attraction in the first place. literally i have been saying “i’m gay but i rarely am interested in other men” for an entire year. and for awhile i really tried but i have zero motivation or interest, and it makes me really uncomfortable when men do form attraction to me. and i mean? maybe it’s because they’re not my type but?? at what point do you realize that you just don’t really have a type?

like.. okay, for awhile now i’ve been really fixated on tall red-haired guys. and i think i do typically like more effeminate men, and no i don’t really have to decide on a “type” which i always will go for lol. but also i’m pretty sure i didn’t start fixating on tall redhead guys until i started a general hux rp blog and took the time to analyze every aspect of this character and get into his head -- basically, to form an intense empathic connection even if it is fictional. and i sure af didn’t give a shit about kylo ren until i had to write about hux falling in love with him so lol

i can only name about a handful of people that i am legitimately attracted to, and i don’t really know any of them. and all the crushes i’ve had this year? just guys that i’ve known or awhile that i’ve wanted to be friends with. i cried over one of them once but tbh i’d set up a lot of unrealistic expectation that i didn’t legitimately want from this person. the vast majority of the time, i don’t “develop” feelings for someone unless i convince myself that they are capable of developing feelings for me first.

anyway, i’m not trying to prove to myself that i am grey-aro/ace. i’m just relieved that this finally feels like a fitting label for feelings that i’ve been having for well over a year now. it means that there are other people who are much in the same boat, and have felt disillusioned with a culture that glorifies dating frequently and regularly with multiple people even. like... polyamory is totally valid but i just feel so utterly disconnected from it and it’s no longer due to my bad experiences with it (like i realized today that i have no anger for my ex adam m. anymore? i used to literally want to empty a gun in his face, but now that just seems... really unnecessary? at most, i hope he gets some kind of counseling. but i’m not angry anymore, and that pain is just.. gone?).

so anyway i’m glad i’m not broken or crazy. i thought maybe my apathy stemmed primarily from a lack of suitors but... idk there are a handful of people who have been interested, and i haven’t cared because they’re not Domhnall Gleeson or Hozier or Cillian Murphy. *shrug emoji*

and like?? lately i’ve been thinking about how i have a crush on this new guy at work. and like, yeah, for much of 2017 i’ve been intensely wanting a relationship, but tbh it was just when i was looking at pictures of actors that i liked lmao. i have been obsessive about certain kinds of attention, but i think ultimately uninterested and certainly unwilling to make any effort. but still it’s like i see my friends dating and having sex and talking about it and i’m like “i guess i need to do this” which is my own damn fault. and then nothing would come of it and then i’d feel frustrated, like something was inherently wrong with me. and then i’d daydream and hope and tbh i did dozens of tarot readings trying to figure out where and when i’d meet My Guy and what he’d be like. and recently i had a couple readings done that said i’d meet him at work so when we hired this new driver and he was my age and *nice to me* i was like “here it is, here it comes, i’m about to get Attention”

like when i dispatch and he calls, i feel all fluttery and warm and it does seem different than the other crushes i’ve had this year -- but more importantly, i haven’t met him yet and i’m going off of voice alone which gives me all kinds of opportunities to fill in the blanks with my imagination, and put the guy on a pedestal without having even met him. i’m supposed to meet him this thursday because we’re having a driver appreciation that i’m not even 100% sure he’s going to. i’ve been mildly stressin’ because i’m all “what if he doesn’t like me” and “what if he’s straight/taken” and “what if he’s actually horrible” and “what if he wears velcro-strap sandals and buzzes his hair like every other shitlord in this town” but then it occurred to me that none of that matters?? like, we’re drawn to this business perhaps because we have similar personalities and i enjoy talking to him when i get the chance, so we’d probably be good friends.

also lmao like ... a lot of the things i’ve been thinking i want in a relationship is actually just stuff that i want out of a friendship. like spending time together and talking about mutual interests and watching weird movies and going cool places like camping and museums and cycling together?? plus i want crazy kinky sex but i’m not even really sure that i actually want that. i’m pretty sure i do. I DUNNO WHICH IS WHY IM GREY I GUESS

and it’s like having this epiphany enabled me to also realize: i don’t have a crush on that new guy. also this explains why i keep trying to date my friends -- i confuse intense care for romantic feelings (and maybe i’m just a naturally really affectionate, loving person??). also: i don’t know how to deal with it when people do get attracted to me so i just run away.

so i guess this has just been in the back of my mind for a long time now. and while yeah i am an intensely sexual and romantic person, i extremely rarely experience that attraction for anyone, and i’m tired of feeling like something is wrong with me because our society, frankly, makes it a compulsion. and now i can put a name to those feelings. and?? i’m proud of it? i’m fucking grey-aro/ace and i’m proud <3

btw the gray-aro flag looks like slytherin. just saying

anyway i need to sleep

[lilyflowerevans]

name: Josephine Wooten Ward nicknames: Jo, Jojo, Josie, Jojobean, jo the embryo, wasp queen/king/monarch, too many to remember there are loads more omg. gender: ??? i have one of those,, hiding around here somewhere,, i just?? oh gender fluid, yeah okay. star sign: Cancer time right now: 1:26am last thing i googled: gender neutral term for queen/king song stuck in my head: full of false hopes false accusations, gives my inhibitions a little floatation, etc etc, I DON’T REMEMBER THE NAME BUT YEAH ( i love it though) height: 5′3 sexual orientation: Pansexual lucky number: 5  hogwarts house: Ravenclaw pokemon team: Mystic last movie i watched: Captain America Civil War favourite colour(s): Forest green favourite animal; Lions or brown bears last tv show i watched: The Messengers  what im wearing right now: A grey dress that’s supposed to be a shirt but i am short and it’s four times my size fight me average hours of sleep: depends tbh. i get nightmares a lot so i tend to sleep more but like, eh, 3 to 11 hours cat or dog person: both. both is good. favourite fictional character: Newt Scamander. I haven’t seen the movie yet but he’s my favorite. number of blankets i sleep with; ... 3. sometimes 5 or 6 favourite singers/bands: Marian Hill, Say Hi, Panic! At the disco, Transviolet, etc. dream trip: i really want to go to india. and greece, and brazil and michigan and everywhere. dream job: international negotiations my dude, it’s literally what i’m working on becoming lmfao when was this blog created: ??? like september, maybe earlier i don't know the kind of stuff i post: HP, RP, sometimes other stuff why did i choose my url: i rp lily evans, my dude current number of followers: 274 bless you omg

Oh lord, okay, I was tagged by like five people but I can only remember @justanothernerdyroleplayer @notdoingyourhomeworkweasley and @actually-hermione-granger i think?? yeah

i tag @huffledoof @ofemeraldandsilverblood and @sleepy-loopin