#several weeks ago i did a whole bunch of googling to try to figure out if it was used in meteorology

[unnonexistence]

progress on my "ok what kind of math is hermann actually doing" quest: found a keyword! for his predictive models he'd be working with a lot of time series data. like with whatever readings he can get from the breach. seismic data, temperature readings, etc.

so The Math there would be whatever's used in time series analysis & time series forecasting. probably some stochastic models (which is good news for me because i know what those are). possibly also some machine learning models? not sure. i'll be poking around a bit to see if i can figure out anything else.

he also almost certainly does physics calculations about the breach, but that is WAY out of my area haha

[justanotherwriter-fangirl]

I Can't Lose Her! (C. R.)

Words: 4,653 words

Warnings: Nope

Request: Can you do a Connor Rhodes x reader where the reader is on squad and no one knows they're dating cause they wanted to keep it on the down low and she comes into the ED hurt and Connor looses it?

A/N: Hi!!! I’m sorry it took me so long but it’s finally here! I gotta say, when this request appeared I was so excited and now I can say that I’m so happy with the final result, almost 12 pages!! Can you imagine? I have never wrote something so long but the ideas kept flowing and at the end I finished with this monster made out of more than 4K words 🤯🤩 Hope you like it as much as I do!!! 

Gif obtained from Google. All credits to its owner.

Thanks for reading

_______________________

You woke up to the feeling of light traces on your back and a ray of light peeking through your curtains.

“How long you been awake?” you mumbled still with your eyes closed, savoring every second of this stolen moment.

“Maybe around twenty minutes, we should have closed your curtains a little better last night” he said in a low and husky voice, internally making you melt.

You loved moments like this, you and Connor, alone and tangled up in your bed just savoring each other’s company.

When you started dating, around six months ago, you decided it was best to keep it low key, a secret until you felt ready and stable enough to let the world know about the two of you, but, with the pass of time, you both found yourself very fond of keeping it all in private. You didn’t have to worry about noisy people or gossips everywhere you’d go.

Dating someone as important as Connor always brought along several consequences like living up to the Rhodes last name, being approved by his high – class father and being the object of jealousy of a bunch of other doctors and nurses who were constantly harboring a crush on the hottest cardiothoracic surgeon of the very prestigious Gaffney Chicago Medical Center and even when you were ready to deal with them all, truth to be told, along with avoiding all kind of uncomfortable situations, you wanted to keep as many memories and moments with him just for you.

Maybe it sounded a bit selfish but you already had to share him with the rest of the world when he was saving lives at the hospital so was it really too much to ask to just have a few moments with him now and then that only belonged to you two? You didn’t think so, especially not when you were finally getting ready to tell him you loved him.

You weren’t sure if 6 months were too soon or kinda late but neither of you had said it before because you both wanted to make sure it was truly how you felt when the time was right.

Just as you were about to ask him for 5 more minutes in such a blissful state, both your alarms started beeping, effectively breaking the quietness of the room and making you both groan, you weren’t ready.

“Time to go back to reality” he said stretching a little bit to get up.

“Do we really need to?” you pouted “I love having you here, just the two of us cuddling and watching a movie or cooking dinner or  just talking”

“I love it too but we wouldn’t be able to afford half of that if we just stayed here” he said laughing a little bit and leaving a small kiss on your forehead before standing up. “Also, I know how much you love your job, being the only woman on squad 3”

“I hate it when you are right” you said now with a big smile, he was right, you were so proud of your job and how much you had accomplished, you were the only female on Rescue Squad 3 and one of the youngest to make it to the team, Kelly did it when he was 23, you were just a little bit behind with 25, it was really impressive. 

30 minutes later you were both at your kitchen having some scrambled eggs, toasts and orange juice for breakfast, something “quick and light before going to save some lifes” as Connor liked to put it.

“So, will I see you tomorrow after your shift?” you asked

“Sorry, I can’t, my father wants to go have dinner, I don’t know what he wants but he says it’s important and I been trying to avoid it for a week now, I’ll just go so he stops calling me when I’m at the hospital” 

“It’s okay, I’ll still have you all for myself this weekend” you said flashing him a big smile, you had waited for this weekend for almost a month when you made a reservation for a nice B&B outside Chicago just to celebrate your 7th month together far away from the chaotic life you both had.

“Just you and I” he finished before leaning to kiss you, sweet and slow but full of passion, it was amazing and it made you feel better about your decision, this weekend you were going to tell him you loved him.

You separated after a couple moments to take a breath before leaning your forehead against his, looking right into his eyes, taking in the silence of the morning and the man in front of you, your heart swelling with nothing but pure love and raw happiness, you never had felt like this before.

“Now I think I’m ready to go” you said smiling at him and pulling apart to take the dirty dishes to the sink.

“Well, that’s not fair because I’m the one who’s not ready now” he mentions while he stands up to go to you and hug you from behind, his arms sneaking around your waist.

“That’s a shame sir, because if we don’t go now we both will be late” you said playfully as you turned around in his arms to wrap yours around his neck. “So go  grab your coat and let’s head out” you firmly stated leaving a peck on his jawline.

“Yes ma’am” he added before laughing a little and head to your door, you close behind him.

All the way to the parking lot of your building you joked around and enjoyed your last minutes together, his hand never leaving yours until you are in front of your car.

Before you could reach for the door, he grabbed your arm and turned you around to leave one final kiss in you lips, one hand on your waist, the other going directly to you cheek to deepen the kiss.

And just as sudden and fast it all happened, it ended leaving you breathless and a complete mess in front of him. He knew the effect he had on you and he loved to take advantage of that, so without any other word he opened your car door for you, gave you a final cocky smile and left to his car.

Frustrated you got into your car and closed your door, maybe a little bit harder than you should but making sure Connor heard before leaving the parking lot.

15 minutes later you were outside the firehouse getting ready to walk in to start your shift.

“Hey (Y/L/N), ready for another day on the job?” Kelly said from out your window.

“Hell, yeah!” You said as you stepped out your car and you locked it before heading inside with Kelly by your side telling you all about his latest date, him being one of your best friends.

The morning went by slowly, only a call around noon about a multiple car accident that needed the whole team to get the victims out of the wrecked cars but that had been all the action you have had all day, it wasn’t common to have days that quiet and it had everyone nervous about it, it was a bad sign. 

You had spent most of the day playing around with the guys, chatting with the girls and beating the squad’s ass playing Monopoly, you had a bad feeling about this day in the pit of your stomach but you pushed it away and tried to enjoyed the free time with your friends.

The day was almost over, the night slowly coming down and you barely had started to relax when you heard the alarm went off letting you all know an apartment building had caught on fire and you were needed.

You all quickly suited up and drove to the fire as fast as you could, ready to face whatever was coming your way.

5 minutes later when you arrived, you knew you had been right all day long, this was bad. There was actually two buildings, 10 stories each and both on fire and for what you could see there was many people still inside.

Immediately Kelly and Matt started shouting orders and organizing everyone to go inside on a primary search, still unaware of how many people was actually inside and under what conditions, the fire growing with every second.

As soon as the squad got into the first building, Capp and Tony stayed on the first floor and you followed Severide to the second floor.

“Fire Department! Call out!” you yelled going into the first apartment, quickly making your way through all the rooms, all empty. 

You went outside and met with Kelly on the hallway, him going into the third apartment and you entering the fourth were you were received with some coughing coming from the back.

“Fire Department! Call out!” you yelled again trying to figure out the origin of the sounds while making your way to the back.

“Help! I’m in the bathroom”

Running to the bathroom in the master bedroom you noticed that the ceiling was collapsing and the debris was blocking the door so you started to remove some of the bigger pieces and throwing them to the other side of the room, just enough to make room to open the door. 

“Come with me” you yelled to the woman once you managed to open the door “keep your head down and do not take the wet cloth from your face, well done” 

Once on the hallway you noticed Kelly guiding a family towards the stairs to exit the place when Capp called him, he needed some help on the third floor since Tony had taken a couple outside.

“Go, I got them” you yelled taking the hand of one of the members to guide them through the smoke.

Once you were all out you took a moment to change your oxygen tank while everyone was being treated by the multiple ambos waiting for the victims, all of a sudden you felt a tug on your arm and you turned around to see a crying woman in front of you, a teenager close behind her.

“Please, you gotta help, my baby is inside, I live in the 9B”

“Ma’am, you need to calm down, we are going to get him but you need to stay here”

“Please, help me!” she yelled.

“Brett!” you called Silvie “please, help me. Take care of her while I go inside for her baby”

Once the woman let you go and you made sure Silvie got her you ran inside straight to the third floor.

“Kelly, there’s a baby on the 9B, I’m going up”

“Wait for me! I’m coming with you” he said taking his hooligan with him “Capp, Tony, I’m going with (Y/L/N) to the ninth floor, we’ll make the search from top to bottom and we’ll meet at the middle”

“Okay, Lieutenant” they both replied before going into another apartment.

7 floors above you and Kelly splitted to each cover two apartments on the tenth floor, all being empty so you both descended to the ninth were you knew at least someone was in.

As Kelly took care of the 9A you knocked down the door to the 9B and went inside directly to the back were you could hear the baby crying. It was a relief knowing the baby was still alive.

You could see the fire was getting worse and you all really needed to hurry to take everyone out so the bomb could take charge of the building, there was just to many to do and just for a moment you let yourself get worry, maybe you weren’t enough.

You almost got lost in your train of thought when you suddenly heard Kelly calling for you.

“Back here, the baby seems okay but we need to take him out immediately”

“Go, I’ll finish the floor”

“No, you are faster, take the baby out and I’ll finish here, I’ll see you on the 8th” you said taking the baby and handing him to Kelly, his arms instantly taking the baby and putting him close to his body. You could see the hesitation on his face but you had no time for that “Go!! Now!! Take him out, I’ll be fine”

He knew he couldn’t argue with you so he handed you his hooligan and ran outside as fast as he could to leave the baby and get back to you, the same bad feeling everyone had the entire day settling on his stomach again.

Once you made sure the whole floor was empty you went down to the 8th, trying to move as fast as you could but making sure no one was left behind.

The flames were growing and you feared Boden was going to call you all out, that was one of the worst possible scenarios you could picture because it left you without any chance to save everyone.

Luckily, the 8th floor was empty, most of the doors already opened from when all the residents left and you could quickly moved to the 7th, only two more to go to be able to leave the building. 

You met Kelly on the stairs, letting him know it was all clear from 10th to 8th so he could report back to Boden.

Once again you both separated, both knowing the routine you had to follow.

You were inside the 7B when you heard a loud noise above you, barely having enough time to look up before the ceiling collapsed over you, knocking you down and letting you unconscious.

Kelly had just left 7A when he heard the loud thump of the ceiling falling down, stopping in his tracks trying to figure out where the noise was coming from when he heard something ten times worse, your pass alarm signaling you hadn’t move in the last 20 seconds.

Running to the sound of the alarm beeping, he found you under a big pile of wrecked ceiling.

“Capp, Tony!” He yelled through his radio “I need backup on 7th, (Y/L/N) is down”

From where he was he could see it was bad, your leg trapped and your whole torso covered by a lot of wreckage. Starting to work to get you out as fast as possible he started to took the ceiling that was at the top to eventually get to you, two pairs of hands suddenly helping him.

They all moved around you, taking everything out as fast as they could in the limited time they had, a minute later only your leg left to be freed.

“Alright, lift that final piece over her leg so I can slide her out” Kelly instructed to the guys positioning himself above your head and grabbing your arms to pull you out.

It was heavy and Capp and Tony had to pushed a little harder to lift it enough for your leg to pass but a few seconds later it was over, each of them grabbing one of your legs to help Severide take you down were Silvie and Gabby were waiting for you to arrive.

Everyone was already outside, the truck had finished with the other building and the last two floors you had missed and the bomb was taking charge of the fire, all in silence wanting to know more about you but unable to enter to your rescue in case the weight was to much for the structure on fire.

It was a general relief when the squad came out through the door with you in their arms, setting you on the gurney and giving the girls space to work, they going in professionally to make sure you were properly treated, opening your suit and checking your vital signs.

They put a collar around your neck and immobilized your leg to transport you to the Med, getting help from Kelly to put you in the ambulance and hopping in to go with you, never leaving your hand. 

After losing Shay, he swore he would do everything in his power to never lose anyone again, specially you, you had came when he most needed it and offered him a sincere friend, someone who never judged him and was with him through thick and thin.

“She’s going to be okay, Severide, we got her just in time” Gabby tried to assure him, knowing what was going through his mind.

She was about to say something else when your heart rate started to go wild on the monitor, catching her by surprise and making her jump to her feet immediately.

“Start CPR now!” She yelled to Kelly “I need to intube her, Brett hurry!” she said while taking the equipment she needed to make the procedure, completely focused on her task to put the ambu bag as fast as she could.

“I got in! How much longer, Brett?!” she asked worried.

“We’re two minutes away, they are waiting for us”

Once you arrived it was crazy, Gabby letting the doctors know of your situation, starting with possible ribs and right leg fractured as well as a dislocated shoulder, while April and Ethan started to wheel you into Trauma 1 on the ED, leaving Gabby, Silvie and Kelly outside.

Connor was just leaving the OR ready to take on another patient when he saw you, all bloody and unconscious being moved to a trauma room, his worst nightmare becoming a reality just in front of him.

 “What happened?” he yelled going behind you ready to take action.

“The ceiling collapsed, Dawson and Brett just got her in” Ethan informed unaware of the real state Connor was in, trying to hide his emotions as best as he could. “We need some x - rays and maybe a CT scan to make sure there is no internal bleeding” he was going over the routinary examination when a single sound send shivers down Connor’s spine, a flat line on the monitor.

“She’s crashing, charge the defibrillator to 150 and send one epi in” he said as the nurses laid her completely down and started with chest compressions again.

“Charged to 150” April handed Ethan the defibrillator and applied some gel to it before he used it.

“Clear” he said before shocking you once and waiting for a second “No change, charge to 200”

Connor was watching the whole scene going unfold right before his eyes, the rage going through his veins faster than the team who was trying to bring you back to life. He turned for a moment to take a breath when he saw Kelly standing at the doors of the ED.

He wasn’t sure what controlled him but he went straight to Kelly and pushed him to the wall grabbing him by his collar, face to face and ready to fight him.

“You were supposed to take care of her! Where the hell were you when this happened?”

“What the hell?! Back off!” Kelly said pushing him back, as angry as him because he had no idea what he was going through “What the hell do you care?!”

By now, everyone’s eyes were on them, their voices the only sound of the room.

“What do I care?! She is my girlfriend, you idiot, and she trusted you with her life!” Connor replied, not caring anymore of your secret. Everyone stayed silent for a minute, the revelation causing a big shock among the presents, that’s when Connor realized something and all the anger faded away, leaving him all weak and desperate. “She is my girlfriend and I love her” he finally whispered “I can’t lose her… I can’t lose her, damn it!” his mood swings were insane, he didn’t really know how he felt, it was all mixed up, he was angry, sad, desperate, hopeless, stressed, it was all too much.

Just when Kelly was about to say something, the gurney from Trauma 1 was being wheeled out, a bunch of nurses, medical equipment and Dr. Choi behind it going straight to the OR yelling instructions to the whole team.

“What happened?” Connor ran behind them “What’s going on?”

“We need to take her to the OR, we got her back but she has some internal bleeding going on. We’ll take charge of the rest after we control it” Ethan said before the elevators doors closed.

He felt lost, he couldn’t do anything and it was killing him, stumbling he entered the break room and broke down on the couch, his hands to his face hiding the tears that wanted to spill from his eyes.

“She is going to be okay, she’s a fighter after all” Will said sitting next to him and patting his back. 

“She better be because I don’t know who I am anymore without her” he said in a low voice, afraid it would break if he spoke louder.

“Why you never told us anything?” 

“At first was we wanted to make sure it was the real thing, you know? But then she just loved the privacy of it all, having little dates on new places where it was only her and I and no one knew about us, the Med’s surgeon and the newest squad member, you know? She just wanted to keep it all away from our crazy lives and dangerous jobs” he finished letting out a sigh.

“It really sounds like her” Will added laughing a little “I don’t know her that well but we have talk a few times at Molly’s, she is so sweet and funny and so open all the time but it’s annoying because at the end of the night you still don’t know much about her. You’ll only know what she wants you to know” he said remembering the few nights you had spent with the whole ED team, having a beer and getting to know everyone.

Now it all made sense, you were getting to know the people who Connor worked with.

The sound of Connor’s laugh broke the silence for a moment, taking Will by surprise, it was just odd considering the state of the man just a few seconds ago.

“Yes, she is like that. You don’t know how much effort it took me to get her to say yes to a date, it was all worth it though” he laugh again, Will joining him this time “Will, she’s the most amazing woman ever and we’ve been together for the last 6 months and I’ve been the happiest man ever since we made it official. This weekend we were going somewhere special, you know? She had it all planned so we could go away for a couple days and just be away from the chaos of the city, she was so excited and now we won’t be able to go”

“Don’t worry, you’ll go, maybe not this weekend but I bet that in a month she will be good to go”

“You can’t promise me that”

“I can, I’m sure of it because right now she have the best team of doctors taking care of her, and she doesn’t let anything stop her from what she wants, isn’t it right? That’s how she got into squad 3 in the first place and how she managed to keep your relationship a secret for over 6 months. She is unstoppable, Connor, I know she will be fine”

"Thanks, man. It's really nice to hear it" he finally said after a moment, taking Will's words in. 

"I have to go but I'll come back later to check on you"

Will left and there was nothing more to do than wait, it was awful. Standing up again and breathing a few more times he exited the room and went to the wait room, there was one more thing to do. 

"Hey, man, I'm sorry" he said standing in front of Kelly "I just… I lose it when I saw her lying there. I know it wasn't your fault"

"I didn't know you were dating, she never said anything"

"I know" Connor said taking a seat next to him "She wanted to keep it all a secret. Could you… could you tell me what happened?" 

"We were on a big fire, two building, 10 stories each. A woman told (Y/N) her baby was in the ninth floor so we went up to get him, I asked her to take him out but she send me instead, said I was faster and I didn’t want to argue with her so I went. We met back at the 7th doing our primary search and we splitted to cover each 2 apartments, the fire was getting worse and when I was about to catch up to her I heard the sound of the ceiling collapsing, it fell on top of her so the rest of the squad and I rushed to take her out. She was just on the wrong place at the wrong time”

“Thanks, for taking care of her and bring her as fast as you could” 

Hours passed and you were still in the OR, the tension on the air was palpable and everyone was on edge, the whole firehouse already there waiting to hear news about your state.

Mrs. Goodwin quickly heard about the delicate situation so left Connor without duties for the rest of the day, he wasn’t in the right state to keep attending patients so he was as nervous as the rest, so when Ethan walked through the door of the wait room it was like a blessing. Everyone immediately stood up to approach him, Connor and Kelly right at the front more eager than anyone.

“She is still sedated” he said knowing they were her family “we put her shoulder back in place and she’ll have a cast for the next 6 weeks on her right leg, we were able to fix all damage and stop the internal bleeding but she’s still dealing with a couple broken ribs which will make a it a little harder to breath but she’s fine. We’ll have her under medical observation for the next couple 48 hours but you can go see her now”

“Go” Kelly told Connor “We’ll go after you” he added with everyone behind him nodding their heads.

“Thanks”

Once in your room it was a hard vision to watch, tubes and machine all connected to you but it all went away when he saw your eyes fluttered open.

“Hey, babe, I’m here, you are okay” he said grabbing your hand.

“Connor? What’s going on?”

“You had an accident but you are all fine now, the guys took good care of you. (Y/N), I… I’m just glad you are okay, for a moment I thought I would lose you and I wouldn't be able to tell you how much I love you” he whispered looking you in the eyes, tears once again forming in his eyes but this time it was all relief.

“Connor, babe, you are not going to lose me, not ever” you reassured him giving his hand a gentle squeeze. “Not when I love you so much too” you added blushing a little and a smile coming to your face “I wanted to tell you this for a while now and I was waiting till our trip to make the perfect moment, guess that’s out of question now”

“We just made our perfect moment, you and I and all the beeping of the hospital machines” he said making you laugh but quickly regretting it, your ribs making it difficult.

“That’s so not fair, it hurts” you said giving him a light punch to his arm.

“I love you though” he winked at you and send that cocky smile from earlier this morning, the memory feeling so far from where you were now.

_______________________

Masterlist

[storyunrelated]

NaNo 2020 - Conclusions

So I didn’t finish this year. Whatever. Any time I have quote-unquote ‘finished’ it’s been a steaming pile of shit anyway, so did I really lose anything? Did I? Really?

No, the answer is no.

But did I learn anything?

No, the answer is no. Again.

What ideas bloomed this month though? Ideas that might charitably described as having sprung from NaNo in some way, shape or form? 

Everywhere Be Dragons

The original idea that I abandoned. Schlock, standard sci-fi. Lasers and shit. A retired man and his electronic friend who is presently in the robotic body of a bird go off to try and find out who injured his nephew. Turns out its some guy from some podunk evil space empire with a sword that can some summon chrome space dragons that can fly through space or some shit. Whatever. Garbage garbage garbage

Here’s a bit. The first lines, in fact:

Alarmingly naked, David Bellamy strode up to the largest of his windows and flung back the curtains to let what he hoped was the glorious sunshine of another sedate, mellow day flow in and bathe his more personal regions. 

Being a man of leisure now he had the time available to do this sort of thing.

Awful. 

Anyway, next.

And now for something completely different

Some admin schlub who works for a nebulous evil organisation ala SPECTRE is tasked with sourcing twenty-five red, plastic wallets by next week. It should be easy. It is not easy.

This was a very threadbare idea based on something I actually had to do, leading rather naturally to the thought “Wouldn’t this mind-numbing task be funnier if it was happening in an evil organisation?”. High-concept stuff.

Here’s a bit:

“Why am I doing this? This isn’t anything to do with me?”

“It’s nothing to do with me, either, but they passed it to me and I’m passing it to you. I’m higher up than you so now it has something to do with you. It is, in fact, now your problem.”

“What happened to Bill anyway?”

“Dead.”

“Dead?”

“Yeah, him and a bunch of others. Whole chunk of procurement, in fact. Super agents, last month.”

“What had procurement ever done to them?”

“I don’t think they were aiming for there specifically, they just got in the way. Think they were trying to hit the weather control department - they’re underneath them.”

“Oh yeah, yeah. Poor bastards.”

“Yes, well, now you’re here to carry on their fine work. Next week. Red. Sort it out.”

“But-”

“You’re a resourceful man, I’m sure you can manage.”

That’s literally all I did before I got bored.

Next!

Bad Wizards

I was reading about The Sword of Truth and I was reading about how Confessors worked in The Sword of Truth and it was this super-weird combination of an absolutely terrifying sounding power being the implications of which were ignored in a super-weird way.

Basically a whole class of women can ENSLAVED ANYONE THEY TOUCH FOREVER and this ability isn’t something they use it’s something they have to concentrate NOT TO USE and the purpose of this class of women is to...

...basically go around and brainwash/murder anyone they deem isn’t being honest and good. Oh, and they decide who’s honest and good. And there’s no question that they’re honest and good.

Oh and there’s no men with this power. Why? Because any male infants born with this power are murdered by their brainwashed loveslaves ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS.

Very odd. Very very odd. But easy fodder for villains, so I just thought “What about people being charged with coming up with ways of trying to fix this or go against it?”.

Then I did a bit where two guys are visiting a dead guy in a dead city. I don’t know why.

Much to his displeasure Percival was once again accompanying First to the city of Erhart, home to the court of Baldric the Everliving. Percival did not like the court of Baldric the Everliving. He didn’t much like Erhart, either.

He did not like the silence, the utter and complete silence. He did not like that, despite all of the citizens having died, there were no bodies anywhere, nor even a hint of violence or struggle to mark their passing. 

(Not that heaps of corpses would have made him feel better, obviously, but knowing that they had died it was eerie not seeing so much as an upset teacup to indicate that this might have been the case. It just didn’t seem fair to them, somehow. Like they’d passed on without a fuss, without so much as a whimper.) 

He did not like the way the empty windows seemed to stare at him. He did not like the way the streets were so dusty. A dirty street he might have been able to understand, but to have such a layer of dust, lying as thick as snow, untouched by the elements, undisturbed by any living footfall other than their own periodic visits - it just made him uncomfortable.

Everything about Erhart made him uncomfortable, frankly, from the mere thought of it, up through the physical reality of it all the way to the ruler of it, who he was going to have to go and talk to. Again. Nothing about this day was good for Percival.

BORING! NEXT!

Worse wizards

Uh, another idea, less related to anything else I was reading - I think? - but more, uh, what if there was a horrific ruling class of magical people who were for all intents and purposes utterly untouchable. 

Can kill you soon as look as you, mess around with your brain and your body just for kicks, come back from death easy as anything and only get more powerful as the years go on. One of them has a huge tower held up solely by their willpower, whatever. They’re a horrible, immovable fixed point in society.

Then one day mechanisms and techniques start showing up that can kill them and ignore their powers. Just out of nowhere. And these methods are super-simple to do and also start to spread.

What happens?

Lame lame lame lame lame.

“Did all of you miss what I told you at the start? The nature of what was used to kill Dennis?”

Blank looks. They had listened, but they had promptly forgot. It hadn’t seemed important.

That it was important and that this should have been obvious had passed them by. John gritted his teeth and straightened up, reaching around to a nearby trolley and - carefully - picked up a kidney-shaped dish resting on it and bringing it around so they could all see its contents. In the dish rattled several small, dark, sharp bits of what sounded to be metal. These the wizards peered at.

“He was killed by something that not only ignored his magical protections and ignored them completely, might I add, but which also then drained his body of even the merest trace of magic and severed whatever connection there might have been between his mortal shell here and anything beyond the material. Did you listen that time? Would you like me to say it again? Would you like me to go slower?”

More blank looks, though some were starting to get less blank. Some were getting confused. Some were getting worried. They’d actually paid attention this time.

What was I THINKING?!

Indulgence

This was me just doing a re-write of one of my secret, shameful pieces of fanfiction, with the fanfiction elements removed. Because why not?

[REDACTED]

Nope, not even a little bit.

Stupid! Next!

N/A

Some random thing in first person about following some rambling lady across some bridges and getting some weird book I don’t fucking know.

Where did all this water come from, anyway? And where did it go? I could see the vast lakes below us, of course, stretching off as they did towards wherever these caverns terminated, but did those lakes drain anywhere? The flow of water from above never ceased, and yet the levels below never rose. What maintained this equilibrium? Or was the scale involved simply so great that no change could ever or would ever be observed?

I do wonder why I wonder about these things sometimes. The answers to these questions wouldn’t benefit me in any way. 

Yet still I wonder.

Who ccaaaaaarrreeeessss? Next!

Delicious Godmeat

A long, long time ago in some faraway land in another universe or whatever there was some vague, vaguely benevolent overgod. They had of children and they looked after all the normal people and blah blah all was well.

One day those children decided to devour their parent and split up their power between them, so they could care out their own little demenses and rule things the way they thought they should. So that happened.

However, the biggest, juicest bit of godly meat went missing somehow, much to their chagrin. They looked and looked but they never found it. Because it fell through time and space in a way that’ll never be explained, and ended up here. And now, by accident, some random young lady touched it.

Whoops! You’ve got a chunk of a dead god stuck inside you now! Better go free the land of those rapaciously evil children, absorb their power and try to bring some goodness back to this land! Whatever that means! Figure it out! You’re basically a demigod now!

Have fun battling the alien feelings of a dead deity and an ever-increasing level of godlike power! 

“Sooner or later you’re going to have to make a choice knowing that whatever choice it is you end up making it is going to make a lot of people very, very upset with you.”

“Can I just do nothing?”

“Sadly, no. Someone in your position chooses not to decide, that’s still making a choice.”

“Gah! I can’t win!”

CONCLUSIONS

Awful. Awful awful awful awful. They’re all awful. They’re all terribly. Sweet Jesus what a waste of time, every last one of these is a stinking, rancid turd now fouling my Google Docs with their stench. Awful awful awful.

Know what’s missing in all of these? Well, lots of things, but you know what crucial element hobbles each and every one of them from right out of the gate?

No fucking characters! Just a half-baked idea shoved out and left to die in the sun! No-one involved I give even the merest whiff of a shit about! Not a one! And no situation I care about either! None of these do anything for me! They leave me cold! And everyone in them leaves me colder! Frozen!

A setting isn’t worth shit if you’ve got no-one to do anything with it! Settings just sit there, inert, characters make it happen! Characters make the story! AND YOU’VE GOT NO CHARACTERS YOU WORTHLESS SHITHEAD! YOU’VE GOT NOTHING! JUST THE SAME WORDY BASTARDS OVER AND OVER AGAIN! JUST A THOUSAND COPIES OF YOU! I HATE ME! THAT’S USELESS!

I’m dead inside now!

Well, deader than I was before!

Awful! Awful awful! Eurgh!

Oh well! Same time next year!

[darecruit]

Motherly Attentions: Sneak Peek #2

Read the first part here. 

“Alright, young lady,” Shelby began sternly, “I am going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that because I started this conversation out lightly, you mistook that to mean this is a joking matter. It is not. Now, I need you to stop playing around and be serious. If you can’t do that on your own, I am more than happy to help you get there—but it’ll mean you losing your ability to sit at dinner. I doubt you want that.”

Rachel flushed crimson and couldn’t stop the gasp that passed her lips. “Momma!” she hissed, eyes wide as saucers.

Shelby ignored her protest to get back to the matter at hand. “What’s going on, Rach? Why are you skipping this class? Is someone bothering you?” she asked, heavy with concern. “Are you doing your assignments? Having trouble understanding the material? Why didn’t you come to me when you first started having a problem? You know I’ll always help you.”

Rachel sighed and sunk down into a dining chair—first and foremost to ensure her mentor couldn’t make good on her threat, and secondly because she knew she needed to settle in for the long haul—while she listened to the barrage of questions being directed her way. Shelby’s back was to her as the woman pulled their meal out of the oven.

Guilt ate at her belly as Shelby’s questions continued. The concern her mom had for her, her willingness to help, the fierce protectiveness she displayed at all times—they were just some of the many reasons why she loved this woman so much, adored her, and looked up to her. And it was why she felt so bad disappointing her, as she had now. “No, it’s nothing like that. And I know you would…I’m sorry,” she offered in a quiet voice.

“Bring the plates back over—it’ll be easier,” was all Shelby said for the moment. Rachel stood to do as directed, letting the older brunette dish out two portions. She returned to the table with the food as Shelby followed once she had gotten them both drinks.

“I underestimated how hard this class would be,” Rachel began, taking a bite of her eggplant and humming in pleasure. “This is so good, Mom!”

“Thank you, love,” Shelby said after her own bite. It was good—she had finally perfected this recipe!

“It’s Physics: Light & Color—the description said it was physics for non-physics majors. It sounded interesting, and I needed one more science with a lab to finish those credits,” Rachel continued explaining. “I wasn’t expecting it to be this hard!”

“Rachel, it’s physics,” Shelby shook her head in disbelief. “Whatever possessed you to take this course? Surely there was another lab science that would have counted for your credits?”

“I don’t know, I didn’t want to take biology and have to dissect things! I couldn’t have handled that, Mom. And I figured I’d just blow things up if I tried chemistry. There weren’t a lot of options!”

“You still haven’t explained why you’ve been skipping. If you thought the class sounded interesting but it’s hard, you should be going to all of them, regardless of whether or not attendance counts towards your grade. How many times does this class meet a week?” Shelby inquired.

“It’s an 8AM lecture on Mondays and Wednesdays, and lab on Fridays. But it’s so boring! Like, serious snooze fest. Everyone skips or ducks out early and the professor never notices—or doesn’t care,” Rachel said.

“Rachel—”

“Mom, you don’t understand! It’s in this huge lecture hall with a bunch of other people, and the professor’s an old Greek man with a thick accent who drones on and on and on for an hour straight. I’ve seen multiple people sleeping in class—drool coming outta their mouth and everything!”

“Rachel!” Shelby scolded.

“What? It’s not like I have to get an A or anything. I just have to pass,” Rachel shrugged. She twirled her pasta around on her fork and brought it to her mouth.

“Which you’re only barely accomplishing,” Shelby pointed out, emphasizing the young woman’s words from earlier.

Rachel let out a long sigh and put her fork down, not having taken her bite. There was nothing else to say to that except…“You’re right,” she relented, hunching her shoulders at the look now directed at her.

“Of course I am,” Shelby agreed, earning a groan and eye roll from across the table. Her lips quirked up in amusement and she turned her attention back to her meal. “Alright, here’s what we’ll do,” she broke the silence after several minutes, “First off, you’re grounded. You’ll stay with me this weekend and we’ll go through your syllabus and any assignments you have and I—and my colleague, Professor Google—will help you figure it out. Second—”

“Wait, wait! What?!” Rachel nearly stabbed herself with her fork as she jerked her head up to stare incredulously at her mother. “Mom, I’m twenty!”

“I don’t see what that has to do with anything,” Shelby said conversationally. She took a sip from her water to keep from bursting into laughter at the wide range of facial expressions currently flitting across Rachel’s face.

“I—I’m an adult! You can’t ground me!” Rachel insisted, ignoring the clear whine in her voice.

“I believe I already did,” Shelby pointed out. “And, adult or not, twenty isn’t so grown-up that you don’t still need guidance.”

“But. But I’ve never been grounded before!”

“Yes, and that’s your problem,” Shelby deadpanned.

“Mom!”

“You’ll need to text Kurt after dinner to let him know you won’t be home this weekend,” Shelby continued on.

“I don’t want to tell Kurt anything anymore, not if he’s gonna rat me out for something I told him in strict confidence,” Rachel said petulantly. She pushed her plate away and crossed her arms.

“He was worried about you and wanted to help,” Shelby reasoned.

“Yeah, real help.”

“Rachel,” Shelby chided mildly. “You stay with me all the time. I thought you liked our weekends?”

“Yes, when you’re not trying to ruin my social life!” Rachel argued, springing from her chair in indignation. She flung her arms in the air to further demonstrate her disgust.

Shelby started to laugh in earnest. “Oh, I’m sorry. Did you have big plans this weekend?”

Rachel glared and sputtered, barely managing to keep herself from stomping her foot like she did so often in her youth. She actually didn’t have any plans—but she wasn’t about to admit that! The knowing smirk that blossomed across Shelby’s face told her she had already been found out. “I’m sure I could have…Kurt or Santana…” She trailed off at the accompanying raised eyebrow and let out a forlorn sigh.

“Oh, my poor baby!” Shelby cooed, rising from the table to make her way over to Rachel. She pulled the girl into a tight hug and swayed side to side with her, laughing all the while. “One whole weekend without seeing your friends!” She pulled back and held the younger brunette at arm’s length, checking her over. “I think you’ll make it,” she declared.

Rachel rolled her eyes and untangled herself from the older woman. “Well if I don’t, you’ll be sorry!”

“Hmm,” Shelby hummed, making a show of considering. Then with a shake of her head and a click of her tongue, she said, “I’ll risk it.”

Rachel groaned and Shelby nudged her playfully in the direction of the table. “C’mon, help me clean up and then we can relax.”

And forty minutes later, they were, in fact, relaxing. Well, almost. They were both in comfortable clothes and sitting on the sofa, but that was the extent of it. After the dinner dishes had been cleaned up and put away, the kitchen wiped down, and both had gone upstairs to change into sweats (Shelby having long ago designated her third bedroom as Rachel’s, so Rachel always had clothes on hand for any occasion), they returned to the living room and settled into their usual spots on the couch. Rachel had assumed they would get on with their evening and the matter of her class would be forgotten, but that was not to be the case. Shelby started in on her with one hell of a dressing down as soon as they were situated—and despite never having raised her voice even once, by the time she was wrapping up, Rachel was holding back tears as if she had screamed at her the entire time.

“And I’m sure your fathers would just love to know that the money they’ve worked so hard to save for your education is being wasted because you can’t be bothered to show up for a class that you’re barely passing because it’s boring. They would be so disappointed in you, young lady. Just as I am,” Shelby finished on a hard note, knowing it would be painful to hear but necessary to really drive her point home. And she was right—the tears that had been swimming in those dark chocolate pools throughout her lecture burst forth now, cascading down youthful cheeks. She was reminded all-at-once of the thirteen-year-old girl she first met all of those years ago and softened. Rachel had always taken even the mildest of admonishments harder than any of her peers and the years had not changed that about her. Scooting closer to her on the sofa, she opened her arms and wasn’t at all surprised when Rachel practically fell into them in her haste to be comforted.

“I’m so sorry, Mom! I’m sorry I disappointed you. Please don’t tell my dads—I can’t handle theirs on top of yours. Please, Momma. I’m sorry,” Rachel cried into Shelby’s shoulder. She tried to pull back so she wouldn’t ruin the woman’s shirt, but felt one hand cup the back of her head, keeping her in place. The other began rubbing her back and she was then aware of Shelby’s soft shushing and whispered comforts.

Shelby held Rachel until the girl’s cries lessened, then sat back so she could meet those brown eyes again. Without a second thought, she swiped the pads of her thumbs under wet eyelashes, brushing away the last of the tears from Rachel’s face. Her left hand lingered, cupping a flushed cheek, and she gave a small, kind smile as Rachel leaned into the touch.

“I really am sorry. And I won’t ever skip again—I promise!” Rachel offered in earnest. More than anything, she wanted back in Shelby’s good graces and to be forgiven. She could count on one hand the number of times either her fathers or Shelby had used the d-word on her, and she couldn’t stand it!

“I know, baby,” Shelby soothed, seeing the hurt reflected in glassy brown orbs. She knew exactly what the young woman in front of her—the child she had so long ago come to view as the daughter of her heart—needed to hear now. “You’re forgiven, and I won’t tell your dads.”

Rachel’s relief was palpable but short-lived as Shelby continued. “But I’m going to hold you to that promise, Rachel. You will not skip again, this class or any other. Break it and you’ll answer to me—”

Rachel gulped and nodded her head vigorously, her heart beating a quick tempo. Shelby had the scariest of her scary teacher looks on her face—a look that would have sent a thirteen-year-old Rachel running for the hills (and her twenty-year-old self wasn’t far behind).

“—I have no problem taking off work to escort you to class and sit in with you to make sure you actually go. Don’t think I won’t.”

“No! I swear you won’t have to!”

“I’m sure I won’t,” Shelby agreed, “But I absolutely will if that’s what you need from me, because I love you and I know you can do better.”

“Okay, I hear you, and I will.”

“I know, sweetheart,” Shelby reassured, “We’re done, I won’t say anymore on the matter. We can go over your assignments tomorrow but for now, let’s binge-watch some tv.”

“Okay,” Rachel agreed before leaning forward for one more hug. She felt Shelby squeeze her tight. “I love you too, Mom. And thank you, you know…for everything.”

Motherly Attentions * Motherly Attentions * Motherly Attentions

Saturday morning found Shelby snuggled in a blanket on the sofa, sipping at her coffee and reading that morning’s headlines on her tablet. She had been awake for little over an hour now and, nearing ten, she heard the first stirrings of Rachel upstairs. Knowing the girl would be down shortly, Shelby set her tablet on the armrest and untangled herself from the blanket; it was time to start breakfast.

Shelby knew Rachel was more than capable of making herself something to eat when she came downstairs, but she enjoyed being able to take care of her and do things for her. She would have done the same if Jesse, Morgan, and the boys had been here; that’s just what moms did, and Shelby was nothing if not a mom.

It was the same reason she had checked in on Rachel before going to bed last night and wound up tucking the girl in. Rachel had gone up at eleven after a bit of prodding on Shelby’s end. Shelby chuckled to herself as she thought back on the girl’s protests, full of whines and jaw-cracking yawns that did nothing to help her case.

“What? No! It’s still early and I’m not even…tired,” Rachel asserted, an ill-timed yawn at the end of it effectively disproving her.

“You can barely keep your eyes open! Go to bed, kid,” Shelby laughed.

“It’s not even eleven yet!” Rachel argued, checking the time on her phone. Yup, 10:46. Far too early. “I haven’t gone to bed this early since high school!”

“Oh no? Well maybe that’s one of the reasons for all your skipping—you’re too tired to wake up on time for an 8AM class.” Shelby raised an eyebrow teasingly, though she expected there was more truth than not in that theory. “Maybe I need to give you a bedtime during the week, hmm?”

Rachel gasped—audibly gasped—and fixed such a glare onto Shelby that, if not for the accompanying pout, would have rivaled any of Shelby’s own glares she was known for deploying on unyielding students. As such, Shelby wasn’t impressed.

“That’s not—I’m not—You can’t!” the girl sputtered, another big yawn betraying her.

“Oh, I think I can. Go on upstairs. It’s definitely bedtime,” Shelby stood and pulled Rachel up with her, turning her in the direction of the hallway. “Get out your physics notebook and all before you go. I want to look over that and see what I’m working with,” she added with a nudge to get stubborn feet moving.

“You’re not going to bed? That’s not fair!” Rachel said even as she started toward the hall closet where her school bag was still stored.  

“Not just yet,” Shelby said as she followed behind. She waited patiently as Rachel retrieved the requested items and then handed them over with a jutting lip. Shelby accepted the notebook and folder without comment, instead planting a soft kiss onto Rachel’s forehead. “Goodnight, Rach. I love you. If you’re still awake when I come upstairs in a little bit, I’ll say goodnight again—but I’d like you to try to go to sleep. You need it, baby. You look exhausted.”

Shelby sent Rachel off with another kiss, then watched to make sure she went to her room like she was supposed to. She couldn’t help mothering the girl, it just came naturally. There was a connection between them that Shelby had felt from the very first moment she met Rachel. That child was her daughter, not by blood but by their very souls.

When Shelby climbed the stairs an hour later, she sighed at seeing a sliver of light coming from Rachel’s room. She had hoped the girl would have listened and gone to bed. Oh well—she would now. Once outside the cracked door, Shelby gave a gentle knock before peeking her head inside. She was surprised to see that while the bedside light was on, Rachel was fast asleep, an open book laying face-down atop her stomach, and her EarPods still in her ears.

Shelby smiled at the sight, noting that asleep, Rachel looked much more like the young teenager she had first fallen in love with than the young woman she had grown to be. With practiced fingers, Shelby removed the ear buds from the girl’s ears and placed them, along with the book, on Rachel’s night stand. A quick search found Rachel’s phone tucked under the covers, and that also joined its companions. The mother then straightened a twisted sheet and pulled that and the rest of the blankets up to properly cover the sleeping girl. Finally, a whisper of a kiss was placed atop a forehead, along with the words, “I love you. Sweet dreams,” before the light was turned off and Shelby quietly departed.

[lydiawoodie]

Wealthy Affiliate Review My Advice: Dont Buy

I was issued an affiliate link for Wealthy Affiliate because they automatically issue you one upon enrollment. However, it’s not listed on this article, because I don’t recommend Wealthy Affiliate. Of course, you are your own master, and you’re free to enroll away, but I only want to promote products I believe in, so there’s no link here from me!

There’s nothing revolutionary or informative in Wealthy Affiilate. I’m not mad that I signed up, as I only spent $19 and I did get a little value. The videos are well-made, and I don’t feel like it’s a scam. There’s just a bunch of filler and common sense rolled into this program. If you’re a complete newbie, you may find the material helpful, but there are better information sources out there than Wealthy Affiliate.

[As a note: I will add my recommendation for a similar program here when I find a good one.]

What is Wealthy Affiliate?

Wealthy Affiliate is a training program run by Greg Kononenko. I follow him on YouTube under his alias, Caffeinated Blogger, and in July 2020 I decided to sign up for Wealthy Affiliate and give it a try. The membership was $19 for the first month, with a reoccurring charge of $49/month (or $495 for the year) if I wished to continue.

Wealthy Affiliate is basically boot camp for building a niche website. There are several video tutorials broken down into bite-sized lessons showing a few basics of WordPress, SEO, and affiliate marketing. There are explanations about how to build your webpage, how to grow your site, and how to monetize it. There are also a variety of tools for content, including access to a royalty-free photograph database and a keyword search tool (Jaaxy Lite). However, the explanations about building, growing, and monetizing your site are not very in-depth. Any Google or YouTube search will get you better info. And royalty-free images are easy to find. Wealthy Affiliate just pulls them from three free sites. I’m also skeptical about the value of keyword search tools.

Is Wealthy Affiliate Worth It?

Building niche websites isn’t particularly complicated, and I wouldn’t say that I learned a whole lot of new information from Wealthy Affiliate. And I also wouldn’t say that the the program’s information on building a niche website is even close to comprehensive. It’s a starting point. That’s it.

The nicest thing I have to say about Wealthy Affiliate is that they’ve done a good job at building a forum and a community of others who are attempting to build a niche site. It can be good to have accountability partners if you find that sort-of thing helpful. I’m not into social media. I also prefer lectures to group discussions, so the forums were not attractive to me personally.

When I googled other people’s reviews of Wealthy Affiliate, it led me to believe that Greg Kononenko purchased this program from someone else. This review lists Carson Lim and Kyle Louadon as the owners, and there was a lot of talk about how dated the program is.

I wouldn’t say that Wealthy Affiliate is dated, as much as it’s just completely basic. The program teaches the nuts and bolts of building a niche website. Choose niche, buy domain, post content. I don’t think a course is necessary for this. And there were helpful hints about WordPress plugins to add, but the material was actually in a couple different places and it was far from comprehensive.

Who Should Use Wealthy Affiliate?

If I had a loved one who wanted some hand holding while building a site, I would write them a quick list of how to set up a blog. If I didn’t like them very much, I guess that I would recommend Wealthy Affiliate.

Wealthy Affiliate is very basic. There are ten lessons per category and at the end of each lesson is a checklist. The system provides ample opportunity for help from others on the forum if you’re nervous about website creation, but I didn’t find a whole lot of cutting edge information in this course. It was okay for webpage set up, but the tricks on Greg’s YouTube channel don’t show up in Wealthy Affiliate.

The premise of Wealthy Affiliate is to put up a quality website, optimize the backend for SEO, add blog posts three times per week, and after three months you’ll start seeing results. After one year, you’ll like the results. And after five years, you’ll be crushing it. It is a very long game, and this is SEO at it’s most basic. It’s safe and should be Google update-proof. If you don’t have any experience in these elements, Wealthy Affiliate could potentially be helpful for you.

Thoughts on Solo Build It! (SBI!), a Wealthy Affiliate Competitor

Wealthy Affiliate reminded me of a program I tried over a decade ago, called Site Build It! I Googled to see if they were still around, and saw they’ve changed their name to Solo Build It! They also have a second product called SBI! for WP — Solo Build It! for WordPress. Admittedly, I haven’t tried SBI! for more than a decade, but I’m guessing the premise hasn’t changed. It’s a strategy identical to Wealthy Affiliate’s — niche website creation and a long-range plan for building SEO and site authority.

What I did not like about SBI! was that they wanted me to host my site with them indefinitely. What I saw in 2008 were the outdated websites they were teaching people to create. Their current website says they’ve been around for over 20 years, which makes sense in hindsight. In 2008 they were teaching me how to build a website meant for 2002. However, it looks like they’ve adjusted to the times with their new product, SBI! for WP. I did not order this product, but I’m guessing it‘s be very similar to Wealthy Affiliate and allows you to build your site and leave the platform, as WordPress can be hosted anywhere.

SBI!’s price point begins close to WA’s starting price point at $19.99 per month. However, it looks like a cheaper option year after year if you opt to stay with them. It’s $199 for the first year and $299 for each additional year. Wealthy Affiliate is priced at $495 per year, but they offer incentives to knock 50% off of this price, so I’m guessing they’re competitive. Again, I haven’t tried SBI! in over a decade, which is a lifetime ago in Internet years. When I tried previously, I didn’t fully commit and attempt to build a site in their platform. Instead, I consumed their video content and canceled after my trial ended. But comparing what I saw in SBI! then to what I see in WA now, I’d recommend Wealthy Affiliate if I had to choose one.

Wealthy Affiliate at least teaches you how to build a site with them then move it to your own domain. SBI! taught me how to build a site with them and then rely on them for hosting indefinitely. Building your site in someone else’s platform — Wealthy Affiliate or SBI! — is a waste of time. It adds a layer of dependency that doesn’t need to be there. WordPress is easy and initiative. You can figure it out if you just start trying.

Final Thoughts on Wealthy Affiliate

My final thought is a NO! Google a YouTube video about creating a WordPress blog in Elementor. Spend a couple hours watching and applying your knowledge. You’ll learn more from this than you’d learn in Wealthy Affiliate.

from https://bunnybanks.com/wealthy-affiliate-review-my-advice-dont-buy/

from Bunny Banks - Blog https://bunnybanks.weebly.com/blog/wealthy-affiliate-review-my-advice-dont-buy via IFTTT

[lovemesomesurveys]

Well, how’s your view of things today? It’s only 2 in the morning. Too soon to tell. Robert Downey Jr. — Bet you have a crush on him. No, but I love him as Tony Stark/Iron Man. How do you like your jeans? Dark wash skinny jeans. Do you watch Skins? No, I’ve never seen it. Know any Gleeks? (yourself included) A what?

Can you name all the contents of your purse/bag? Currently, just my wallet, some straws (I use a straw with every drink, so I like to keep some on me), hand sanitizer, and a travel size hair brush. When I go somewhere, I throw in my phone and medicine. Do you know what Bosco Sticks are? Not familiar with those, not even after Googling them. How do you feel about Jesse Eisenberg? I don’t feel any way about him. Do you like your hoodies tight, or a lil’ oversized? I used to like form fitting hoodies, but now I like them a size bigger. That’s how I wear all my shirts, sweatshirts, and jackets. Have you ever been sailing?  Nope. Do you have any jewelry/accessories with owls (an owl..?) on it? Or is that a hipster thing? Nope.  If you went on American Idol, do you think you’d go through to Hollywood? I'd never try out in the first place. I can’t sing and I know that.  What’s the closest thing to you that’s red? My hair. Have you ever been fishing? Once. I found it very boring. What’s in the background of your default pic? I’m at a restaurant in Disneyland. Have you ever heard of the movie ‘Frozen’? Of course. Kind of hard not to after that “Let it Go” song blew up. I never got into that movie, though. What would you do if you were to get stuck on a ski lift overnight? Omg. That would be horrible. What’s your favorite Bath & Body Works scent? Currently, I have Into the Night. It has patchouli in it, which I love. Have you ever received an anonymous gift? No. What kind of laugh do you have? An ugly one. I don’t think I have a cute or contagious kind of laugh. Will you have a Valentine this year? I didn’t. I’ve never had one, actually. *shrug* Do you plan on seeing The Black Swan? I saw it in theaters a couple times and several times after. I like that movie, it’s so trippy. There’s a couple scenes that always get me. Do you keep a scrapbook? Nope. Do you hoard anything? I have a really hard time getting rid of things like clothes and other things for sentimental reasons. Like because of the memory attached to it. I have a lot of stuff stored away that I haven’t used in years and likely never will ever again, but I just can’t get rid of them. I’ve gotten better in terms of like I don’t have a bunch of old school stuff anymore. I used to keep everything--notebooks, tests, homework assignments, and essays. I also don’t keep receipts like I used to. Are you afraid of flying? So, I flew for the first time in over 10 years a couple weeks ago and I was really nervous about it beforehand but it wasn’t bad at all, honestly. I was fine, which totally shocked me. Do you know any Star Wars freaks? My mom, brother, and I LOVE Star Wars. We totally geeked out at the Star Wars land in Disneyland. The rides were awesome, especially the new one. So, what about all them birds just dropping out of the sky? I remember one year where that was happening a LOT in some other state. It was so creepy. At what age do you become ‘old’? I feel old now and have for the past few years. Most recent Facebook ‘like’? I don’t feel like checking. Would you rather go to Disney World, or Pleasure Island? I’d loveee to go to Disney World. I’ve never heard of Pleasure Island. What song would you like to hear on the radio? I haven’t listened to the radio in years. We play Spotify in the car. Macaroon or a cupcake? Mmm, I like both.  Have you ever camped out somewhere for an event the next day? No. What is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life? Lol my life isn’t “wild” that’s for sure. I’m a homebody who’s doing nothing with with their life. Love that for me... Do you do anything regularly that could damage your body? Yes. What do you love most in the world? My family. Who will you be with Saturday night? My family. What woke you up this morning? I have my alarm set for 830AM cause I have a doctor appointment. D: Did you kiss or hug anyone today? No. Not so far, anyway. Who was the last person you rode in a car with? My mom. How many myspace accounts do you have? I never deleted my account, so I assume it still exists out there. What was your first thought this morning? I haven’t gone to bed, yet, but I know I’m not going to be happy when that alarm clock goes off.  Where would you like to live? I’m not sure. Do long distance relationships work? They can. It happens. What do you want to be when you grow up? I’m 30 and still have no idea. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? I gotta take it day by day. Who do you wish you were with right now? No one right now. If you had one whole day to yourself, what would you do? I have a lot of days like that. I just watch TV, YouTube, Tumblr, check social media, and chill.  Is anything bothering you? Yes. Do you miss someone? Always. What do you want to do right now? I’m doing what I want to do right now--surveys and listening to ASMR. Are you listening to music right now? Nope. I’m watching/listening to an ASMR video. Are you in a good mood? Blah. What are you doing this weekend? I don’t have any plans. When were you the saddest in your life? These past few years have definitely been my lowest point. And I thought other times were bad, but this has been ongoing for the past 5 years. Do you own more than one cell phone? No. Have you ever had a song written about you? Nope. Have you ever sang in public? Not solo, but when I was in chorus. What songs make you happy?  Upbeat, catchy songs me wanna dance. What do you like to listen to before you go to bed? ASMR. Do you have a job? Nope. What does your ipod have in it right now? I haven’t used my iPod since 2012. Have you ever loved someone and were too scared to tell them? Yes. It took every ounce of courage I could muster up to tell them exactly how I felt and laid everything out on the table. Being rejected after that reallyyy hurt. Next concert? I don’t have any plans to attend one as of now. It’s been 11 years since my last concert! When is the next time you will take a shower/bath? Which one will you take?  I’ll have a shower tonight. Are you currently waiting on someone to do something for you/to you? No. As a child, did you ever get the chance to go to Disney World/Disneyland? Disneyland a few times.  Are you someone who is really committed to politics in your area/country? No. I used to pay more attention to that and be more involved, but these past few years... yikes. It’s just been very overwhelming and stressful. My brain can’t handle it. When was the last time you fought with your significant other, if any? I’m single. Do you know anyone, personally, who is in an abusive relationship? Are you? No. When was the last time you were on a boat? Where did you travel on it? Several years ago. We had to take it to get across to the island where we were touring an old prison. Are you planning on going anywhere with someone, some time today? Yeah, my brother is taking me to my doctor appointment in the morning.  Does your family ever have any kind of weird traditions in your house? I don’t think we have any “weird” ones. When is the next time you will attend a family reunion? Where will it be? I have no idea. We haven’t had one in years. Do you ever take bubble baths only to relax yourself in some way? Nope. I haven’t taken a bath since I was a kid. I’m a shower gal. Do you have any friends who act like they don’t know you in public? Uh, wow, no. They wouldn’t be friends. Do you like cereal? What would you consider your favorite kind of cereal?  Yeah, the sugary ones like Fruity Pebbles, Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Life, Cap’N Crunch Berries, Frosted Cheerios, Frosted Flakes, Lucky Charms, etc. It’s been a few years since I’ve had any cereal actually, but omg there’s SO many new ones now that I haven’t tried. Do you find your school to be loaded with hot guys or not so much? I’ve been out of school for 5 years. What kind of cell phone do you have? (ex. flip, slider, or traditional.)  I have an iPhone. Do you like riding roller coasters when you go to any amusement park? I went on Big Thunder Mountain Railroad and the Car’s roller coaster at Disneyland, which was a pretty big deal for me. May not seem like anything to real roller coaster lovers, but for me it was something. Gave me just enough speed and thrill. I loved ‘em. Are you waiting for someone to get online on an IM program right now? No. Are there any people you don’t like for your significant other/crush to talk to?  I’m single and not crushing. Have you ever forgotten your birthday? Did you soon figure it out? No. Would you beat up anyone at the moment, if you absolutely had the chance?  No.  What color are the curtains in your room if you have any at the moment? Black. What would you consider the best kind of food you, yourself could make? The only thing I cook is ramen, but I love it. Is there anyone you are currently trying to get out of trouble? Why? No. Are you one of those people who don't like children of any kind at all? It’s not that I don’t like them, I just can’t handle them in large doses haha. It gets overwhelming and stressful. And they have way too many damn questions. AND ENERGY omg. I don’t plan on having any of my own. I’m 30, almost 31 one, and the desire just isn’t there. I don’t see that changing. Are you planning on going anywhere today? Where are you going exactly? I just have a doctor appointment. I may get food afterwards, but that’s all I got goin’ on. When was the last time you rode a horse, if you’ve ever ridden one? Never. Are you plotting anything at the moment? No. Do you hate it when people show public displays of affection in your face? I don’t mind a little PDA. I don’t need to see like full on makeout sessions or feeling each other up, though ha. Have you ever wanted your significant other to get rid of a friend? If you have siblings, have they moved out or do they still live with you? He still lives here. Do you ever actually like going to Wal-Mart or is it regularly boring? I like it. Do you know anyone who has or has had any kind of mental illness/disorder?  Yes, including myself. Do you ever go to Blockbuster? How frequently would you say you go?  Blockbuster, wow. Those don’t exist anymore. No video rental store does anymore to my knowledge. I miss the days when I was a kid and couldn’t wait to rent the latest video game. My family and I rented movies a lot, too. Do you ever listen to music so you can actually change your emotion? Yeah, like if I’m getting ready or cleaning I like upbeat, catchy songs. I often listen to music that just fuels my mood, though. Like sad stuff.

[this-lioness]

Rubbish Blog Update

After an intensely busy week we made the most of the weekend, which is to say I got as much shit done as possible.

Saturday I had an eye appointment, then we did the weekly shopping and I came home to cook.  Ended up making some freezer meals (broth-steamed quinoa with peppers and onions boxed up with veggie dumplings and veggies, “chicken” patties with veggies and seasoned rice, baked cauliflower mac and cheese, 1 doz hard boiled eggs for lunches, another dozen made up into egg salad.  

I also used some of the leftover broccoli to make some veggie-and-egg white patties to go along with the veg sausage for breakfast.  While we were out today I picked up a bunch of fresh fruit, so now we’ve got a fruit salad we can dip into for lunch as well.

Even though we’ve been inconsistent with the gym, this has been a lifesaver for me, honestly.  I get to cook (which I’ve missed), and on the nights that we go straight to the gym we have a nice dinner ready to be served in a few minutes rather than resorting to frozen processed stuff or me having to grudgingly throw something together when I’m already tired and just wanting to relax.

I set up a “Google Routine” for us that also turns on some nice mood music and lights when we eat dinner, which has been something nice to unravel us from the day.  I made another for the bedroom when I’m doing my nightly routine.  Sade heavy, of course, because I’m nothing if not predictable.

Speaking of which, I picked up another set of remote-controlled LED button lights today, and installed them in the master bath.  So now I can shower to smooth jazz AND have mood lights, stop being jealous.

(It is probably the tackiest thing in the whole entire world to somebody who is not me, but I don’t care, I love it.)

On Saturday night we finally sorted through the pile of convention crap that’s been clogging up the dining room and took a proper inventory of all the art and jewelry I’ve got left.  I took pictures of our sales sheets as well, and tomorrow (haha, maybe, ugh) I’m going to take a critical look at what’s sold well historically and what makes the most sense to reproduce.

The little hand-painted pendants, for instance, which I dearly love?  Just don’t sell that well.  I only have one or two left, so that’s good, but they took forever to sell, and they are really labor intensive to make.  Meanwhile, the acrylic dragonfly earrings were inexpensive to make, fairly quick to produce, and people snatched them up.

It’s been an interesting experience, to be sure.

We have a pile of stuff to take to Salvation Army, but it rained all Saturday so that was no good.  Maybe some time this week.

Oh, and last Wednesday the handyman came by to install the new door!  MY NEW FREE FRONT DOOR!  (I’m very proud of this, and I recognize that it is childish, but I don’t care.  The dude at Home Depot was ringing up gift card after gift card and just marveling out loud how ridiculous it was.  Proud moment for me.)

I started using a new app that lets you take pictures of your store receipts, also allowing you to exchange the points you earn for more gift cards, so we’ll see how I do with that.  Let me know if anyone wants to give it a shot, I’ll send you a referral!

Finally had an orthopedist appointment last Wednesday as well.  X-rays looked normal, so there’s some sort of soft tissue damage or scar tissue or something?  He couldn’t tell without an MRI, and insurance won’t pay for an MRI (softly singing God Bless America under my breath here), so instead he’s sending me to physical therapy for an “abnormal gait.”  Lovely.  That starts this coming Wednesday, we’ll see how that all goes.

We also went to the gym today and worked up a workout routine in the weights section.  I’m off high-impact cardio for the time being, which means no running, and frankly I really think what I need is to regain, and gain, muscle mass.  Cardio has never really done anything for me at all, although running can be very relaxing, and I can already feel age-related muscle loss setting in.  Can’t have that, so off we go for (ideally) 3 nights a week of weights.

It’s frustrating being so short.  Half the machines that I need to use I can’t because I just don’t fit on them -- my head hits the wrong place, the swively bits press against something they shouldn’t -- and in trying to make them work I end up straining something I shouldn’t.  Marc helped me figure out which ones I could fit on, proper weight and seat settings, so I should be good now.  I wrote everything down, and will work it up into a little chart for myself tomorrow.

I may laminate it, I haven’t decided yet.

In cat news, we are going to have to do something about Rosie.  Laugh as we might about her growling at her food bowl, the amount of absolute hysterics she flies into at feeding time, or the lengths she goes to in order to scavenge even the tiniest crumb of food is getting upsetting.

We can’t offer her anything by hand anymore.  If you try to give her a treat she will bite through your fingers without even thinking.  If you offer her baby food on a spoon as a treat she can no longer contain herself to licking -- she will bite and bite and bite the spoon, and can’t seem to stop herself.  I bought her a slow feeder dish and she spent the entire time biting the plastic bits meant to make her go more slowly, just growling and getting more and more upset, until we scraped everything back into her old bowl.  When she does eat, it’s like she hasn’t eaten in weeks, and she’s convinced someone is going to steal it.

She is a completely different cat when there’s food in front of her.

She is still (and probably always will be) a very tiny cat -- probably only 5.5 - 6 lbs -- but she is at a healthy weight for her size.  I suspect whatever malnutrition she suffered as a kitten permanently stunted her growth.

This sort of behavior can have a physical cause (hyperthyroidism, parasites, etc.), but the copious bloodwork they did on her just a few months ago came back clear, she went through several rounds of powerful dewormers when we first found her, and she is otherwise in good physical shape and health.  She’s also, when there’s no food around, still sweet and cuddly and as loving as she always was.  There isn’t a mean bone in her body.

We saw this once before, in a cat that we fostered when we first moved into this house -- Cooper.  We had to give Cooper back, in part because our other cats couldn’t get along with him, and in part because he was an absolute living nightmare to deal with.  He figured out how to scale the barrier into the kitchen, and would dump the trash can and rip through everything he found inside. He would walk the kitchen counters over and over and over again in case he missed something the last time.  Every single day, multiple times a day.  He’d tear open ANY bag, whether or not it contained food, just in case it might.

Cooper was also found as a starving kitten, although he wasn’t one of ours.  Other accounts I’ve read of these behaviors all have that in common as well: kittens (like Rosie) who were found emaciated, plagued with parasites.  Even long after they find a safe home with ample food and regular mealtimes, that insecurity never goes away. What has helped others, supposedly, is making the cat a safe and secure place to eat every meal, and not exposing it to food at any other time or place than at meal time.

She’s already not allowed in the kitchen, we now have Rosie-proof trash bins, and although we’re already feeding all the cats separately I’ve taken down one of the carriers to lock her in at breakfast and dinner (this isn’t as bad as it sounds -- she wolfs her food down in a minute flat, so she won’t be in there long, and I’m hoping that only giving her meals and treats in that spot will help her feel less exposed and defensive. I moved her bowl into the carrier and she went right in to investigate, so we’ll see what happens at breakfast tomorrow.  Even a slight improvement would be good.  On one hand we laugh at this ridiculous, tiny cat growling so unnecessarily and aggressively at dinner time, but after a moment it’s sort of upsetting because clearly she is super stressed out. I guess that about catches me up.  I’m going to take a nice long shower and listen to smooth jazz amid color-changing lights (SHHH IT’S FANCY) and then maybe do something creative for a bit. I love you all and I hope you’re well <3

[times-new]

The Son of Rome, Chapter 1

Hi! This is my PJO fanfic, a Roman!Percy AU that I’m writing as a five-part series like the original PJO. I’ve posted the whole first ‘book’, the Son of Rome, on ffn - but I’m posting it here too for good measure. Hope you like it!

Look, I didn't want to be a half-blood. You might think I'm crazy for saying that. Being a demigod? Why would anyone not want to be one?

Well, a lot of reasons. I knew that. But I didn't fully understand it until today.

It started several weeks – no, it must have been months now. Several months ago, I woke up cold, confused, alone, and surrounded by talking wolves. It was scary, sure, but fear wasn't an unfamiliar feeling. Being a twelve-year-old in New York is hard enough, and when you add ADHD and dyslexia to the mix, you might end up with something like me. I had to face bullies from classmates and teachers alike. I was raised in a system that set me up to fail. Even when I come home to my mom, the only good thing in my life, I had to put up with my stepdad. Being scared and alone wasn't anything new.

Okay, that sounded a lot more arrogant than I thought it would. Let me start over. My name is Percy Jackson. I'm a skinny kid with thin black hair and green eyes. I guess I don't look too different from my mom, but I got my eyes from my dad. That's the only thing Mom would tell me about him in twelve years. Enough about him, though. Like I said, I'm ADHD and dyslexic, so school never felt right to me. I just felt like I should be doing a lot more than book reports and geometry. I tried to join the basketball and baseball teams, and although using up all my energy felt good, it just wasn't rewarding.

I was stuck in a loop of doing bad in school, disappointing my mom, getting frustrated, then doing bad in school again. Sometimes I even wish that my dad would finally show up and save us from our lives. My mom keeps telling me how proud she is of me no matter what, and I believe her, but I know she deserves better than that. Better than me. And a little after I turned twelve that wish came true.

I woke up in the ruins of what I thought was a castle at first. It turned out to just be a really big house, but my mind couldn't comprehend that people could actually live in places as big as this. That was almost harder to believe than the talking wolves. They surrounded me when I first woke up, all slick dark fur with beady eyes. Then they had parted to allow a much bigger wolf approach me. Lupa, she said her name was. She told me everything in her deep and powerful voice. That I was a demigod, that I had been chosen, that I had to learn to fight and live and survive the legacy of Rome.

Sure. Better than pre-algebra.

She pushed me to the limit. I did things I didn't know I could do and tore muscles I didn't know I had. When she was done with me I was strong enough to be a member of the pack. I had to be, because I'm still alive.

Right now, I'm sitting in a bus with my backpack on my lap, squished between strangers. Every bump in the road made me clutch my bag even tighter, and my hands would twitch to the coin in the pocket of my jeans. Over the past few days I was traveling towards my destination, some place called Camp Jupiter. Lupa had told me to 'follow my instincts' and 'embrace my destiny'. She was a bit dramatic that way.

But I couldn't describe the feeling any better. I just knew in my bones that this was the right way even if my brain says otherwise. A camp? Like a summer camp? It's probably a bunch of cabins with a volleyball court. It's got to be back in the forest near the Wolf House. How could it possibly be in the middle of the city? It made sense. And yet I knew it wasn't right. The trail of monsters probably helped me decide that.

I tried to keep my head down. Really, I did. But one way or another I would always find some weird nasty trying to kill me. They were always bigger, stronger, and meaner than me, but none of them were taught by wolves, let alone Lupa. I had to use my hard-won wits to beat them. Which meant a lot of running away. It's a lot more heroic than it sounds. But I had to stand and fight more times than I was comfortable with, and that meant busting out the magic sword I kept in my pocket. Lupa had given it to me – she said it's made of 'Imperial gold', that it was meant to be used by the greatest sons and daughters of Rome. I didn't understand why calling gold 'imperial' would make it any better, and I definitely didn't understand how I was 'great', but I learned not to question Lupa. That would only lead to running more laps around the Wolf House.

As far as I knew, I didn't have anything to make me great. Though I always had a nagging feeling, something to do with how I get whenever I go near water… like that one time I tried to join a swimming club and outpaced the instructor, or that one time me and my mom went to the cabin in Long Island. But that can't be right. It can't be. Because if it was, then that would make my dad…

No. A couple days ago I went to a public library to get on a computer and Google some stuff about the Roman gods. I found out that out of all of them, Neptune was the most feared and hated - except for maybe Pluto. After a life of being rejected by everyone I knew, this was my one chance of fitting in. I didn't want to be a loner again. Sadly, I also found out that every monster within a five-mile radius immediately knows where I am whenever I use the internet, so I could never find out more about the Roman gods by myself. The only reason I made it out of that library alive was my coin and very inventive use of a rolling chair.

I snapped back to reality when I saw my stop. I got out of the bus and stepped out into the middle of nowhere. Well, not exactly. But it sure felt like it. The bus stop was on top of a small hill, and I was the only person around. I was surrounded by beautiful golden hilltops and flatlands further in the distance where the suburbs of San Francisco sprawled. Far away, I could see the Golden Gate Bridge, and on the opposite side, I could see a mountain with its peak hiding behind a cloud. I wasn't sure where I was. But something just felt right. I had followed my instincts like Lupa taught me, and I would know I was right because I would always find –

I heard a snort behind me. The only thing I heard for a few moments after that was my heart beating in my chest. Then I plucked up the courage to turn around.

It was tall, muscled, and really, really smelly. Like, worse than my stepdad smelly. It was naked except for a loincloth, though that wasn't what I was looking at. Its nose was covered in reddish snot, and its eyes were dull black and fixed on me. But my eyes kept drifting to the top of its head, where two cruelly twisted horns sprouted out like the stunted plants from one of my failed science experiments. I guess it looked pretty normal until you moved past its neck and onto its bull's head. I wondered why I didn't notice it before. The Mist, I realized. It must have affected me, and the mortals even more. It was the magic that covered up our world from everyone else, Lupa had told me. People saw what they want to see, and it's never the truth. Even now the thing's head would sometimes look like a misshapen human head with a cowboy hat. And I figured that if someone saw the man-bull for what it was, it could probably go on all fours and moo and no one would look twice.

That made me choke out a laugh. Apparently cows took offense to that, because it roared and charged at me. My battle instincts kicked in, so of course I turned and ran. Look, I promise I'm a demigod, alright?

My first thought was to think back to what I knew about bulls. Well if I'm being completely honest my first thought was Oh my gods, please don't kill me, I'm sorry I had a cheeseburger this morning! My second thought was racking my brain about bulls. Even when I was sprinting up and down hills with a monster at my tail I could think up a few things. First, beef is delicious. Second, cows don't like the color red. Not a lot to go on, but I was under a lot of pressure. Then I remembered that some people would go in an arena with bulls and wave red flags in front of their faces. I forgot what they were called – mats? Doors? Whatever they were called, they always dodged by moving to the side just before they got hit. I hoped that would help me, because I began to feel the thing's breath on my neck, like my pre-algebra teacher. That didn't help me calm down.

I dodged to my right before I knew what I was doing. Sure enough, there was a surprised grunt and I risked a look back. Now that I was closer I could see that it was a lot less human than I thought. It had fur on its chest and arms, but even under all that I could see veins rippling below its bulging muscles. It looked off-balanced for a minute, until it shook its head and barreled at me again.

I can't outrun him, I realized with a jolt. Even now I was starting to get tired and the man-bull was just warming up. The sharp turns were hurting my ankles, and the thing was starting to get used to my tricks. That left two options. I could overpower it or outsmart it. That first option was crazy, even for me, so I had to use my brain instead. Maybe if I went to the city and ducked into an alley – no, that would just endanger more people. I couldn't do that. Maybe…

My instincts told me that the camp was close. Very close. I needed to buy some time, get on a hill, and look at my surroundings. Right now, the only thing I could see were my feet pounding the soil, and a big shadow getting bigger and bigger. Well then. I decided to do what I do best and did something stupid.

I dodged again, but instead of sprinting I turned around, took off my shoe, and threw it at him. The monster was more surprised than hurt – which made sense, since it flew well over his head. I was no good at archery, so I guess that wasn't shocking. But it did its job. It was distracted long enough for me to reach into my pocket. I pulled out a small golden coin – it was the size of a half-dollar, but solid gold and with weird drawings on it. It had the head of some guy I didn't recognize on one side, and the letters IVLIVS on the other. I didn't know what that meant, but I did know that if I flipped it, it would turn into a Roman gladius: a few feet of sharp monster killer.

I screamed at the top of my lungs, grabbed the sword in midair, and jammed it to the thing's leg. It screamed even louder than me, then reached down to grab me with its meaty hands. I pulled out the gladius just in time and rolled backwards. Golden fluid, what had to be the thing's blood, poured from the wound. Normally monsters would just poof into dust after a solid hit with my sword, but this guy was something else. Still, it fell to its knees when it tried to charge me again, which gave me a few seconds to run up the nearest hill and look around.

I only had a glance. It was enough. I could see huge columns in the middle of the field, then saw that they were holding up a highway above me, where it disappeared into a big hill. To my left were more hills, which began to turn to asphalt streets, while to my right I could reach the suburbs with just a few more minutes of running. But up ahead…

It looked like an old tunnel, built into the side of the big hill. Maybe for maintenance? I wasn't sure what I was looking at, but something just screamed to me, home. The only time I felt that way was when I'm in my tiny apartment, alone with my mom, talking about the rare happy moment in school while eating nachos and her legendary seven-layer dip. It felt right. It felt safe.

That was all the encouragement I needed. I ran through the grass and dirt faster than I thought was possible. I could feel stitches at my side and cramps down my legs, but the smell of monster kept me running. Eventually I could see an entrance in the tunnel, a set of enormous iron doors, and two people who looked like they were wearing armor. They were also holding spears and carrying shields, which reassured me, though they couldn't have been much older than me. But when a charging bull monster was on your butt, you'd take your chances.

"Help!" I screamed. My voice was strained and hoarse – gods, I wish I had drunk before I stepped off the bus. The guards noticed me and looked as scared as I felt. I could see them yelling to each before one of them opened the doors and the other readied his spear. As I got closer I could see his blue eyes and waxy skin underneath his helm. He looked terrified, but he leveled his spear.

"Halt in the name of Rome! Who are – "His voice was shrill, and I might have laughed if my voice was any better.

"Later! Help now!"

He ground his teeth and surged forward. I couldn't believe my eyes. He actually moved to attack.

"Senatus Populusque Romanus!" he shouted. Okay, I thought. Why not.

"Get in!" yelled the other kid. She looked like a girl – it was hard to tell underneath the helmet. That sounded like a great idea to me, and I ducked inside. It was dark inside the tunnel, but I could see a light in the distance. I followed it before turning to the girl.

"What's- "And I realized it wasn't her. Instead, the first guard was running beside me. He had a nasty gash on his shoulder and was breathing heavily, but otherwise looked alright. "Keep going! Gwen is keeping it busy!"

I didn't know what he was talking about, but 'going', I understood. I huffed and reached the end of the tunnel. I thought I had died.

At the other end was a valley, small as far as valleys went, but there was a city in the distance. It looked like heaven, or what I thought heaven would look like: pristine white walls, beautiful arches, and solid buildings surrounded by freestanding columns. It was a couple hundred feet away, and in between us there was a river that ran through. Again, I could feel that tugging feeling in the pit of my stomach, and I forced myself to think about something else. I turned around and my heart leapt to my throat.

I was so taken by the sight I didn't notice the male guard had switched places with the girl again. Only this time, she looked terrible. Her helmet was missing, revealing a mass of reddish-brown hair that stuck to her head with what looked like blood. She was using her broken spear as a crutch and limping as fast as possible towards me. The other guard was yelling at the monster, trying to get its attention by going for the occasional jab with his own spear, but I knew that it could snap the spear or the guard with equal ease. I had to help.

I heard shouting and bells ringing. In the distance, a group of people were running towards us, but it would be a few minutes before they arrived, minutes that we didn't have, and that was if they didn't have to cross the river…

The river.

"Hey! He needs your help! Hey!" I heard the female guard, Gwen, calling out to me, but I swallowed my guilt and ran to the river. You told yourself you'd never use this power, I thought. You said you'd reject your father. I hated that I had to do it, but I hated myself more for not thinking about the guards sooner. If I had stood and fought, if we surrounded the monster three on one, then maybe…

No. This was not the time to regret. Right now, they need me. I heard a pained shout behind me before I stepped into the river and turned around to face the monster. The female guard, Gwen, had fallen to the ground. The other kid lost his spear and was weathering blows with a shield that looked like a saucer compared to the monster's fists. He was the only thing standing between Gwen and the monster. I felt the anger and guilt burst inside me like a geyser. They were taking those hits for me. They were taking that pain for me. I wouldn't stand for that. I screamed, and I felt the water rushing to meet me. I charged the monster, and the river came with me.

I wasn't sure how I did it. I just poured all my emotions into a single thought: Fight. I pulled out the coin and flipped it into a sword. When I was halfway there I jumped and felt the water propelling me like a rocket. I was launched several feet into the air straight at the monster. Time slowed down as I gripped the sword with both hands and held it above my head like I was bringing down a hammer. I saw the monster looking at me with surprise and fear. I could see the guard staring at me, wide-eyed. I could feel the wind blowing at my face and the water giving me the strength of a superhuman – of a demigod.

I jammed my sword between the monster's eyes and it dissolved into dust. With nothing to land on, I fell to the ground, soaking wet and hurting in every part of my body. I coughed up the remains of the monster – it tasted like overcooked steak – and stood up to check on the other two. Gwen was still unconscious, but the other kid took off his helmet and stared. He was even paler than I thought, and his blond hair was now dripping wet. Everything between me and the river was drenched in water.

"That was… that was amazing," he whispered. He was clutching his shoulder where the gash was. "How did you do that?"

"I don't know. I just did." I looked at Gwen. "Is she alright?"

The other guy smiled tiredly. He must have been my age, maybe a year or two older. "She'll be fine once we get some nectar and ambrosia inside her."

He walked forward and stuck out his hand. Even though he was just in a fight for his life, he had a crazy gleam in his eyes, like he was just given a new toy to experiment with. I wasn't sure how I felt about that.

"My name's Octavian. Who are you?"

"Hi. I'm… I'm passing out." I fell forward, and the world turned black.

[our-jensen-ackles-love]

Flashes; Chapter Four

Playboy Jensen Ackles is hurting his television show’s image. Every time he promised to get his act together, it’d last for about a week before pictures emerge of him half-drunk with some broad on his arm. Fed up and desperate, his agent decides their only hope to save some face is to write up a contract with a nobody girl who could use the money while getting to play the role of Jensen’s girlfriend.

It was only for a year and it was only for the photos.  But feelings don’t always follow the rules, do they?

CATCH UP HERE

Word Count: 1886

Chapter Warnings: just kinda filler fluff

FEEDBACK IS AMAZING. AND REALLY KEEPS ME GOING!

Chapter Four

Last Week

A half-drunk bottle of wine, the second season of Supernatural playing in the background and several small towers of Home Depot boxes surrounding your coffee table. That was the atmosphere you were dealing with right now.

“You’re joking right?” Olivia asked for probably the millionth time of that evening.

“No,” you shook your head, pulling the packing tape closer to you as you finished up one of the last boxes of your clothes. “I leave Sunday morning to Vancouver.”

“For a year?” This time it was Briana who asked the question while gingerly sipping her only glass of wine for the night. “Like legit a whole year.”

You nodded slowly, trying not to over think the situation you had just gotten yourself into. “That’s where Jensen wants me to be.”

“But didn’t you guys just start dating?”

You sighed knowing that you could only tell them what Henry had said. They were not allowed to know that you had signed a yearlong contract to basically act out the role of Jensen’s girlfriend, if at any point you let that little piece of information slip, you could be sued and basically left out to dry as a gold digging whore who once hooked up with one of the most sought after bachelors’ in Hollywood today.

“Actually,” you started, remembering the lines that you had been practicing in the mirror all morning while you waited for your friends to arrive. “We’ve been dating for a couple weeks, but didn’t want to come out to the world just yet.”

Janet twirled around in your favorite desk chair. “So why the sudden change?”

You shrugged, avoiding all eye contact as best as you could without looking wary. “The paparazzi caught up to us on my birthday last week and we just decided it would be best to let the cat out of the bag that way.”

--

Present Day

It was nearly impossible to get comfortable in your seat. Despite being flown in first class, something you had never been able to do in the past, you were unable to properly relax for the majority of your six hour flight. And now that the pilot had announced that you would be landing in the next thirty minutes, your stomach was in knots.

“You’re going to be okay,” you whispered to yourself, hoping that no one could hear you trying to talk through your anxiety. “You did this for the better.”

It wasn’t a lie. The money that Jensen’s agency had offered you at the end of this contract was enough to make anyone leave their life behind in an instant. But what was going to make this difficult was the acting like you actually liked the man; his attitude towards you was really making you question just how many women he had been with. He treated you almost like you were just another notch on the bedpost.

And from the quick google search you had sworn that you wouldn’t do at the airport, it showed that he had, in fact, been with several random women all throughout the last couple of years. All of them seemed to be random and from the countless articles you could barely stomach to skim, it seemed that they all were just girls that he had brought home from whatever bar, in whatever city Jensen had been in that night.  

Henry had explained that due to the importance of Jensen keeping his role in the show, a show that had threatened, the last three times, that if he didn’t get his act together they would drop him like a hot potato; they needed to keep him in a straight line. Apparently, he had been threatened with this agreement the last time this happened; which according to one tabloid article that was only two months ago.

Again, you had a million questions as to why he picked you up that night at the bar, especially if he knew that this contract agreement would come into play if pictures got out.

“Alright, ladies and gentlemen,” the pilot’s velvety voice came through the speaker above your head. “We are beginning our descent into the beautiful Vancouver, Canada. So please, turn off all electronic devices and place your seat and trays into the upright position.”

You closed your eyes and took several deep breaths while you felt the slow drop of the plane. The deep breaths were supposed to calm your nerves, but they were only reminding you of what you had gotten yourself into because of too much tequila.

The landing had been smooth, probably one of the perks of being able to pay for an expensive, all-inclusive flight, was that you couldn’t ask for a better crew to be aboard your plane. Henry had paid to have all of your belongings shipped to Jensen’s Vancouver apartment, so all you had to do was grab your carry-on bag and exited as needed. When you followed the signs in the airport towards where the pick-up/drop off parking was, you were met with another loud bunch of flashing camera lights and aggressive loud questions.

“What are you doing in Vancouver?”

“How long have you and Jensen been dating?”

“Do you think this could led somewhere long term?”

“Y/N, Y/N, is that a baby bump we see hiding under that t-shirt?”

You held up your hand, remembering Henry and Jensen reminding you that, you were, under no circumstances allowed to speak to anyone about your relationship without him present. Just supposed to smile at and wave when needed – although the comment about the baby bump made you want to flip them the bird and offer some choice words.

A familiar black SUV came into view from behind the blinding lights that kept following your pathway. Just as the vehicle came into your sights, you saw the familiar face of Cliff come around the car and open the door for you, ushering you in quickly and sealing you off from the vultures of your new world.

Cliff hopped back into the driver’s seat, shifting the car into drive. “How was the flight, Y/N?”

Stealing a glance at the crowd you were leaving behind, you let out a breath you didn’t know that you had been holding. “It was long, probably the longest flight I’ve ever been on.”

You heard Cliff laugh a bit. “Just wait until Christmas comes around in the two months, the two of you will be flying down to Austin.”

“You don’t think I’ll have to meet his family, do you?” You blurted out.

Catching a glimpse of Cliff’s concerned look in the rearview mirror was really all the answer you needed. “I would say so, and he’s probably going to have to meet yours.”

The remainder of your car ride had been silent. Well, silent to anyone who wasn’t allowed in your head because on the inside you were dealing with every emotion that was able to pass through one’s body at once. You had told your mother that you were “dating” someone, which of course had gotten her all kinds of excited, but you were hoping that you could get through this year by keeping her in the dark.

She wasn’t the type of person who read the news, she didn’t watch tv and she never left the house unless it was needed. She grew her own vegetables and believed that anything that you could pick up at a store was much more attenable when you made it yourself. To this day, you still remember the fit she threw when you said you were moving to New York City to focus on becoming a writer.

“Miss Y/L/N, we are here,” Cliff had said quietly. You could feel that he felt somewhat sorry for you and the situation that you had found yourself in. “Jensen should be waiting inside for you.”

You nodded, grabbing your bag that you had thrown to your side before opening the door carefully. Thankfully, there didn’t appear to be any lurkers in this neck of the woods, but you were pretty sure that you saw a gate wrapping around these apartment complexes and what you could only assume was a security guard checking people in.

“Thank you Cliff.”

“I’ll be seeing you around.”

Shutting the door, you turned around and faced your new, temporary home. The apartment that Jensen was living out of was a split floor building, with two apartments on the top floor and two apartments on the bottom floor. It didn’t seem to compare much to his New York flat, but you figured that since he was only in Vancouver for filming purposes, this place was nothing other than a roof over his head.

236 was the number of the apartment. As you closed in, you took another deep breath, bringing your hand up and giving a quick knock. Jensen threw open the door quickly, holding it open just enough that you could squeeze by.

“Good flight?” He asked, turning his back to you and wandering into the open kitchen as the door clicked shut behind you. You couldn’t help, but noticed there was an open bottle of scotch on the counter and half-drunk cup sitting next to it.

“Can’t complain.”

He nodded, adverting his eyes towards his glass and then back to you. “Uh, do you want a drink?”

“I think I should probably get a little settled first, don’t you?”

Acknowledging your answer, he placed his glass back down on the counter and walked towards you. “Your room is right down the hall,” Jensen said, walking in the direction of one of the three doors along the wall. “This place only has one bathroom, so we are going to have to share.”

“I’ve had roommates before Jensen,” you stated, squeezing past him and opening the door he was in front of. Before you was a queen sized bed on a black wooden frame and looking bare without any sheets, a dark wooden dresser with a matching vanity mirror placed directly behind it and the room was littered with your boxes that had probably arrived just a few days before you. “You just have to promise not to hog all the hot water.”

He smirked at you, something that he always seemed to do when you knew he wasn’t taking you seriously. Despite not knowing him long, you were slowly picking up on his tells. “Can’t make any promises when it’s fighting day. That fake blood is a bitch to take off.”

You gave a small laugh, not quite sure where to go from here. This was all still feeling like some made up dream your imagination had procured to help get rid of that pesky writers block, but you knew that it wasn’t the case. You had spent most of the last week pinching yourself every so often in an effort to try and wake up.

Jensen shifted his weight on his feet before clearing his throat. “Well, I’ll let you get settled. Come find me when you are ready for that drink.”

With that, he closed your door, leaving you alone to get your life as organized as you could get it. But all you could think about was the fact that drinking was what got you in this position to begin with.

TAGS: @supernatural-bellawinchester @luciathewinchestergirl @supernatural-teamfreewillpage @nanie5 @kbl1313 @wanderer-08 @squirrelnotsam (never lets me tag you :( ) @allonsy-yesiwill @mirandaaustin93 @jerkbitchidjitassbutt

[sursinchicago]

Ivy Rebecca Kaida Jun Sur

Baby Girl Sur 2.0 has arrived! Well, she arrived almost two months ago, actually – at 4:23 a.m. on July 25, 2018 weighing 6 lbs., 15 oz. and 21-inches long. It’s been a madhouse since we brought her home (hence the super-delayed birth story post) but it’s been amazing and she’s growing like crazy. 

But let’s think back to her grand entrance to the world…

We dubbed July 24, the day before Ivy was born, “Arden Fun Day” – we pulled her out of school and had a full day jam-packed with fun, kind of a farewell to her only-child days. She chose her breakfast (fried rice with a sunny-side egg on top) then we took the bus downtown. We made a pit-stop for breakfast dessert – a macaroon! – then headed to the Fountains at Millennium Park since it was a perfect hot day to play in the water. Arden and Dad stopped off at the Bean and then went to Maggie Daley Park to play while I went in for a doctor’s appointment. Everything looked good and on track for my C-section scheduled for that Friday, July 27 at 3 p.m. I was super anxious about having to fast for 6-8 hours before surgery – I mean, I’d be starving and so thirsty! The plan was for Kevin to cook up a feast for me at about 7am and then try to nap as much of the morning away until we had to be at the hospital by 1pm.

Anyhoo, Arden Fun Day continued… we went to lunch at Wildberry Café, took a double-decker bus tour around the city and stopped at Navy Pier to ride the giant Ferris wheel and eat a giant 5-flavor rainbow ice cream cone. Since it wouldn’t be an Arden Fun Day without sushi, we finished the day at a poke restaurant for dinner and came home exhausted!

After putting Arden to bed, Kevin and I figured it was about time to settle on a name for our new Baby Girl. Way to be last minute! Although we culled the list down a couple of weeks earlier, there were still several names on the table. My first choice was Ivy. There’s no real significance behind the name, I just love it. When I was at dinner on a work trip over the summer, a colleague decided we needed to come up with a name for Baby Girl Sur 2.0… she threw a whole bunch of names out but when she said Ivy, I immediately loved it.

Kevin has always loved the name Rebecca. He proposed it for Arden’s name – which, to his dismay, I shot down. Although I was initially against it, it actually sounded nice after Ivy. Way to compromise!

Then we had the challenge of her Chinese middle name. All the girls in Ivy and Arden’s generation have a Chinese middle name ____ Jun. Arden’s is Lai Jun. We chose her name from a list provided to us from the Au family but the person who provided the names in the past was not healthy enough to do it anymore. So, who did we turn to? Google, of course! We selected several names we liked and then crossed them off one by one until we landed on Kaida Jun. Kaida means “little dragon.” Kevin was born the year of the dragon and Ivy is his little. Awww.

In the middle of all this, around 8 or 9pm, I started feeling cramps. Nothing major but kind of annoying. I didn’t go into spontaneous labor with Arden (I was induced) so I didn’t know what it was and didn’t think much of it. At first. Then the cramps – I mean, contractions – started getting worse and I started timing their length and time in between. They were all across the board. I called the Midwife and she said it sounds like I have time so take a warm bath and try to relax (yeah, right) but call back if they become more consistent. Soon enough, the contractions were coming every 4 minutes. And DAMN they hurt. The midwife said to come in.

We called my mom and dad around 1:30am and asked them to come over to stay with Arden while we checked into the hospital. One of the benefits of driving to the hospital in the middle of the night is no traffic! We got there pretty quick.

My one stumble I should have known I was going to stumble on was if I went into spontaneous labor, if I try for a v-bac or stick to the c-section plan. I never really decided. So I labored and labored and labored. Then I decided to stick with the plan and go with the c-section. I was only given a 50/50 shot by the ob-gyn at a successful v-bac, which she said is quite low. My only goal with delivery (beside a healthy one, of course) was to not go through what I went through with Arden – that is, active laboring and pushing and then a c-section. So I had to wait to get to the OR to get any pain meds. When I finally did, THANK GOD.

Ivy was born quickly, healthy and with a full head of jet black hair. Easy peasy. I got to hold her right after, which I also really wanted to do (because I couldn’t with Arden). It was wonderful. 

We were moved to our post-partum room around 7am on July 25, which meant Kevin and I hadn’t slept in about 24 hours. Funny, we didn’t even feel sleepy (ha! that would come soon enough).

She did great in her first few days of life! Breast fed like a champ. Lost a little too much weight so we supplemented with formula… but she packed on the pounds soon enough. I was sure she would have jaundice like Arden (and all the Uehara kids) but she didn’t. We were all ready to go home after a 3-day stay but my darn blood pressure was still too high. Giving birth stresses me out, apparently. They kept us for one extra day to keep an eye on me but everything was a-ok and the next day we went home.

The past couple of months have honestly flown by and I can’t believe how big she’s gotten already. We’re so grateful for all the love and support from friends and family – especially big sister Arden, who is beyond amazing and taking her new role quite seriously.

Love,

Team Sur

[the-firebird69]

Watch "Disturbed - The Vengeful One [Official Music Video]" on YouTube

We are all going to ride onto the capital of LA and in this format and we all have the bike and it's all hard knock kicker 5150 and we all believe in what he's saying and you guys are kind of lame instead of bothering us and douchebags took a plan and you flushed it as you do all right considering those stupid you are and we're going to arrive and of course and all these bikes are going to become famous and everyone's going to demand them I'm going to have to offer the hand of God and hand of Goddess for each version and there's a whole bunch thousands. The Violator and Demigoddess Wife will introduce this earlier today I don't think it's him

Thor Freya

Sales are through the roof I have it on the monitor that they can't keep them in the shop it's hard not kicker bikes and everyone is modifying it to look like yours and QE has so many calls and she doesn't know what to do with them she calls up China it says he's been getting him batteries won't you get me parts tonight and he says sure it means invasion and I said where is this first you said the British and now you're sending parts invasions no we come along with the parts how can you fit on those little boxes so start laughing cuz that's what she says and he goes oh no I've been trained by a woman and I laugh because I Hera her and I hear Olympus will say stuff now qe

It's my statement and I'm saying this so get those parts to me now I got tons of bikes to make we're going to hire everybody. And Sebastian is switching over his plant and she's sending parts to him and their retro fitting in the building new ones there's just tons of them and they're all coming out now it's a huge pile they're all demanding it and just saying that he can't have one because it says that he is God and they're all saying it out loud and it's a huge protest going on and then huge numbers of them go up and by the bike so they're using it they say and what we say is he's going to have one and then you're going to say that you're him otherwise it kind of kind of s***** Thor says. We agreed to there's no transition there so it's trying to figure out something anyway you got to make this hand of God bike because if you make tons of them and they buy tons of them then I'll be on it and then go after each other it becomes a lot bigger than I'm making it sound so we need to make some plants on some Island somewhere maybe do cuz he's not really shutting along very well so make the whole island this kicker 5150 and say it's for all those poor n****** all this particular model and of course yours so start doing it and I said I'm making yours here yes and there is right and you're in my particular model Gu says and my Goddess Wife's version right he says. So I got it right away and I built tons it would take them over the whole island putting all your factories there and building this bike. Huge numbers of orders just so massive I can't feel him and we have the biggest factories on Earth back to the Madagascar and Japan is now doing it and they've been doing it and they can't fill the orders there's so many orders that is just mind-boggling so we're making tons and tons of frames and huge numbers of them and he says to make a monster frame making company at the at the mine so he did that it's easy to fit cuz all the frames the same and other parts too that are still and we said this so it is damn bikes you better be assigning people and we are you just might have someone it's a huge number of people who want the bike back huge it's just a gigantic force that we're building and this number of Hand of God bikes is exceeded anything we've ever anticipated. It's so huge cuz I recognize the technique and that they don't understand anything now and he expects everything out of them so it even looks like I'm doing it and they're going crazy because I think it's impressively it says it's not and it doesn't have to be him personally and it actually doesn't have to be occasion and then some people know that so it's on I say the sales numbers are so huge we can't mention them

Gu and Goddess Wife

He sounds so many of this bike I got to wish him luck cuz it's so crazy but then he says I should probably be able to get a fitty out of it and people say yes because they want to be here they don't want to be this guy sitting around that doesn't have one and that will boost sales to the maximum and we've got several plants right at mines and they're right at your minds and we're building the frames and other steel parts right there costume the faster we send them out to work bikes get made so we're wondering how big of an operation it should be and we're asking our people and it should be huge because they're all interested in it and having his bike this is going to be like Saddam Hussein without the war so dumb so dumb you saying hello Saddam but it came out so dumb there's huge numbers huge it's it's way past the sales of any motorcycle company and all of them combined for this year including hard knock and Sim it says he should get his own company and he said no and he knows it's not possible but he's going to wipe out the competition and John C Riley's angry because it's based on the model that he rides it's not the same though and he says have you stolen everything yet why am I getting tired of this you haven't the devil going to have him up so we can take over Scotland and Iraq.

Of course he's requesting we make approve a beer and a whiskey and call it the devil's own whiskey and the devils beer and my name is Lilith by the way she says and she's making it hers right now as he requested she's still a little miffed I just came out with a title he's doing it again fighting a little bit not much if they're going to make one with both of them on it this is what they call it she's going to name it it's already huge and it's out in the stores he says he's going to present it over and the devil's Tower and it's not in stores yet but it's near them Google searching seek and destroy they want to beat the opening she's over there too at the devil's Tower right on top of it you're going to show me it and they have the bikes tons of people are going huge caravans and yes military ones they have a way out but decided to load the bikes up and it's in there they did a commercial and they tasted and they're asking if people want to come up and taste it and have free drinks and they said yes so doing that and the machines are coming and they're about to head out and they said wait wait you can't go and leave us here I said they're just going to leave if we do they said okay so they're waiting a few minutes to see what happens all sudden one of them started firing the firing on the crowd and we stopped it it's corky it started hitting him and actually we wiped them out this is approaching carefully I said well corky wants to just destroy him and he go up and say well you know it's time to get rid of that little b**** corky he's had it you know what he's saying so we're leaving and we hear the people the same don't leave us here and said it's time for you guys to vacate the premises as well so they're going down and they're leaving and say okay it wasn't that bad and they leave and nothing happened to him suddenly we get this screw you she ran into the line of trucks and stuff and we said well it seems to be Max so what am I and they're just humans and they said we got to drink it first and that's why I don't know what it is so if you came over there drinking together and we left a huge bunch of it up there this big huge cast of it and then caravan is pulling up and they're all going upstairs drinking it and we're delivering beer also they start laughing cork is a party pooper yeah certainly is. I have my own brand Liluth's Brew and there's a whiskey and there's a beer and a silly huge almost more than his almost and it's up and there's tons of sails and it's going out the door and it has a guy eventual one on his on the whiskey and the beer and eventually what looks like it's even more so on the whiskey but looks like himself on the pier there's all sorts of contests for the Hand of God bike in the Hand of Goddess online

Hera Zues

We just got done explaining that we have our own versions and we were up there too and that's who they let go and we're clear now if we're out and they know why we're flipping them off and we have our bikes and we're riding away and yes Pee-wee Herman was out there yesterday

Thor Freya

It's really my vehicle but he helped make it the way it is even the version of mine is telling me what to put there and tell me what to put on it how to do it I'm really getting pissed cuz I don't get any money from all this stuff and it's a three ring circles just barely made it out of there live up to upstate New York a bunch of fools fighting with some s***** buildings I started laughing about myself and I was leaving vrying a little it says that would be great footage for a movie I started laughing because it is my God what a stupid thing just as Mac was about a stupid movie about the teamsters and everyone's trying to wonder what they're doing stupid crap and New York is gone by the way all states pretty much going and they're moving that Old Town we're in now they're taking the rest of the place pretty soon Virginia will be gone I wonder if it's a good idea or not

John C Reilly says and he's been a huge pain in the ass threading ever since you get off Island about 2 weeks ago and he's been driving this hard knock kicker thing for us and he doesn't want him in a bike but it seems that he's finally gone too far and people say it's John C Riley version really Randall text calm but don't feel motivated because Randall is not around so now I guess what he has to do and the two big ones see it it's going to try and compete with him instead of flying and pissed and have him do the job for himself

Thor Freya

He's making some funny noises that's turning their faces sour and we like it because her big huge ninnies

Olympus

[remindme2breathe]

What comes easy won’t last long, and what lasts long won’t come easy

Here we are again. The flavor of the day is bland with a twist of desperation. 

I am not perfect by any means. I make mistakes and like to think I’ve been capable of owning them. I’ve always thought of myself to be fairly level headed, someone who can look at the bigger picture from everyone’s position. I have been overly accommodating to the people who surround me, I try way harder for them then I do for myself. I am guilty of being ‘a people pleaser’. I don’t know when that started really, but in my 30′s it became severely obvious, and I kinda hate myself for that. 

I am walking into my 8th year of my relationship with my boyfriend... B-O-Y-F-R-I-E-N-D. Not Fiance, not husband... shit, hardly a partner. He is a BOY, and I am stuck here. Not against my will obviously, I can kick him out whenever I please, however, my life with him is a complicated one that effects too many people (there I am, people pleasing again. Buckle up folks, this happens often). 

I am 7 years older then my boyfriend, let’s call him Blu (that was my dog’s name). I met Blu by accident actually. In May of 2013 my then husband and I decided we just could not work it out anymore and we split ways. We were cordial, able to remain friendly for the sake of our kids. We accepted that although we failed MARRIAGE, we will not fail Co-Parenting. He left our family home in May and by September I met Blu. There’s some chaos there but I’ll tell that tale on another occasion. Remember when I said I met Blu by accident? I was serious. I had a friend named Emma who loved drama! She came to my house and told me about a site that she found out her boyfriend was on and she wanted to see if he would flirt with me (or another fake identity she made up to be honest, she just used my information to create an account), I call that playing with fire, but you know how that can go. Anyway, she did what she needed to and got the information that she wanted. I was uninterested in those apps so I never bothered to look into it. A couple of days later someone named Blu would send me multiple messages trying to get me to talk. I decided to respond, I explained that my name wasn’t what was listed and explained the whole situation to him, he just laughed it off. I didn’t know then that he was so familiar with drama like my darling friends little stunt. Anyway, we got to talking and it was very soon when he asked if I was interested in meeting up. After all the crime shows and books I’m into it was a hard HELL NO for me. I asked him to give me a little time, I also explained my position. 

He told me a lot about himself, single dad, shares custody of two very young children with his ex. He lived with his parents about 2 miles from where I was. He didn’t seem cocky or arrogant, or maybe I just didn’t see it. We exited the chats and moved on to phone texts. He would message me every morning, afternoon and night. He knew about the age difference and didn’t care. Meanwhile I felt incredibly insecure about it. After about 7 weeks I finally caved and said I would meet him somewhere public, he said his family was having a BBQ at his house for me to just come by. I thought that out and figured: who would kill or rape me with all their family there?! So I went, but I never went inside his home. I stayed by my car, we talked for hours. I remember in the end I was fitting on the trunk of my car and him on the edge of the sidewalk... maybe 1:30 am when I finally decided to head home. He didn’t try any funny business, and was completely respectful. Before I left he asked if he can take me out to eat somewhere, like an official date, I still felt a little odd but I agreed. At that dinner I told him everything, about my pending divorce, how my custody is currently working, etc. 

Me and him were from different worlds entirely. There were a few occasions that really pointed the differences out. For example, he listens to REAL MEXICAN MUSIC (google CALIBRE 50) where as my Mexican music consisted of Reggeton, Salsa, Bachata. He was 100% grounded in his Mexican roots, where my mixed breed havin’ ass was raised in an American household, where dinners were served at a certain time, we ate together as a family, we attended church on Sundays, we were close. The structure of my life was typical American Family with the added components of my nationalities; Mexican and Puerto Rican. We didn���t curse around our elders, I didn’t know of drugs, or habits. That was the first shot, the second time I noticed the difference was in October when we made arrangements to carve pumpkins with his kids and mine. On that particular day his mom and sisters were home, so of course I invited them to participate. They looked at the pumpkins as though they just landed from outter space! The third time was just a couple of months after, December. While my house was decked out with Christmas trees, stockings, and nicely wrapped presents... his house had no tree, no gifts, nothing. 

We have gone through a lot over the years, mostly good things (or so I thought). Have you ever laid next to someone you felt the closest to and think Gosh, I don’t even know him? Eight years later and I still think that. I use to cry myself to sleep. I still feel so incredibly alone, and more so... misunderstood. The SANE me wants to think I have a right to think this way, but he comes in and convinces me that I am the problem. Meet Blu, head of the narcissists.

He is consumed with his cars, weed and sex. He has a problem with being faithful. And I have a problem with trusting him, and every time I feel I can let my guard down, he always comes in to remind me that I can’t. Things are about to get personal, I hope you don’t mind. 

The first time I found out about his ‘extra activities’ we were already living together, this was maybe a little over a year after we became official with each other. He left his phone in the living room and it was getting a ton of texts, to my luck he is also a very heavy sleeper. I opened the messages and read them (OMG WHY WOULD YOU GO THROUGH HIS MESSAGES?! FK OFF KAREN, THIS IS MY REALITY, NOT YOURS!). It was a girl asking if he was gonna go by. I messaged her back as though I was him and she went along. I ended up waking him up, my eyes red and burning from all the crying. I asked him about it and all he was able to say is WHY ARE YOU GOING THROUGH MY PHONE, turned it off and went to bed. I remember feeling low, but that didn’t stop me dumb ass from going to lay next to him and crying until I fell asleep. He ended up changing his number after a few days and said he was ‘sorry’. Those types of situations happened maybe twice a year. 

In 2016 I helped him open his own business, he had no money so I put up most of it (yes, stupid, I hear ya!) with the condition that he would not be listed on any documents as an owner. He argued with me about me not making him feel like a man (people pleasing in 3, 2, 1...) So I added him to the paperwork. I felt bad for him, I never wanted him to feel like that despite what he made me feel like. On one occasion he was working late, me being scar’d for life, I called him about 12:20 am and asked if I could take him anything or if he needs something because he had been working since 2 pm. He told me he was fine, but I said OK LET ME KNOW IF YOU NEED ANYTHING. I went anyway to ‘take him food’, when I was driving up a black Honda was driving off, and there was Blu looking like he saw a ghost. I asked who that was an immediately he yelled and asked why I was there. I said that I brought him something to eat to which he said MY FRIEND JUST BROUGHT ME SOMETHING... my friend... hmmm... At about 4 a.m. I messaged and asked if he was ok and he said IM NOT COMING HOME, IM DONE! My pride didn’t allow this to just happen, I responded with OK. I locked his ATM card, Gas Card, and any credit lines. He came home (I thought he would) hootin and hollerin! I quietly took my explosion waiting for him to finish. At that point I said to just leave the work truck keys and to be on his way. He refused. 

In 2018 he started recording his phone calls for work purposes (you wouldn’t believe how many people try and cheat ya to save a buck!). I had access to the recordings but never listened to them because they were of a bunch of truckers asking for stuff. One day though, I was triggered. He said he was going to go down the street to help my sister and brother in law move something. I thought it was strange because my sister told me everything! So when he left I asked her about it, she said ‘yea it was weird he offered to come help’ I then asked her to call me once he left. About 10 minutes later I got the text “HEY SORRY HE LEFT LIKE 5 MINUTES AGO BACK HOME” We lived literally five minutes away, so I waited. After about 30 minutes I decided to listen to the recordings. He called a girl asking her to meet him in the Bank Of America Parking lot about 5 minutes the opposite way, he told her he was able to leave his kids with his dad for a little while so he can go see her. My heart SANK. I felt it at the pit of my stomach. This entire douche bag drove MY CAR to see some hoe??? FOR REAL! So I texted him and said where are you? He messaged about 10 minutes later and said IM ON MY WAY HOME I JUST FINISHED AT YOUR SISTERS. I didn’t respond. When he came it we went at it. Let me clear the air: I AM NOT AN ARGUER. I don’t find it useful to scream and yell, but my emotions were shot, I was on a different level now. I dropped the bomb! I guess he didn’t see it coming because he was unable to keep up with the shit storm I was dishing out. In the middle of it, that broad had the nerve to call him. I told him to answer it and he said no. When I got ahold of his phone he had the NUTS to tell me NOT TO FK IT UP FOR HIM. Shattered. I was non-existent. 

to be continued

[theitalianscribe]

Not In the Write Mindframe

Lenore was tired of a life of writing essays. She was also tired in general. So she decided to get some homework help she had heard a demon used to do. It was past 3, she was not capable of being rational at this point.

It had been during one of Alcor's "bad periods." Reports of entire cults, even those who sacrificed animals instead of people, disappearing in a flicker and of a form that appeared as a consuming void of madness to those who survived. But those were stories and Lenor wasn't in her right mind at the moment. She was barely in her writing mind. See, she had three essays to write in the one week and none of their deadlines had popped up until the day they were due. And the website she was supposed to upload those to were an absolute bitch for procrastinators who worked to the second. She hated that the due date was to the second. Essays should be due at midnight, not at 11:59, or due by 11:58 one second before 11:59 and at the time stated at the due date, everything looked like it would work but that submit button was nothing but a cruel decoration.

No, she wasn't in the right mind or the write mind. Essays were her kryptonite and when her lips met the demon's design on her Twin Soul coffee mug, she decided that she had nothing to lose if her grades were already doomed to be below a c.

She had heard stories of Alcor being a homework helper. All he supposedly asked for was ice cream. Lenor had not heard of anyone summoning him on a bad period and that was totally absurd to her. Surely someone would have done what she was about to do. But her google searches had come useless and she didn't care to go further than that. Alcor, for all his power, was harmless to kids like her.

So she printed out the circle, chanted the latin in her sleepy white girl voice, and waited for a response.

There was no fanfare, there was no void. There was just a tall figure that looked like it was trying to assume a human like form but couldn't settle on one. Its height stretched and shrunk. It oozed wings, then those fell into a puddle of inky void. Eventually it coalesced into a cartoony one-eyed star.

"I haven't seen this circle in a while."

"Yeah. Guess you haven't had any tutoring requests for a while, then?"

"Nope." The negative response came gurgled out. Lenor wondered if he was trying to scare her off. She was too tired to ponder that for long.

"So here's the thing. Can I just vent to you for a while before we get to this? I'll take your silence as a yes."

She sat down at her seat.

The void shape mirrored her movement and even took on an outline of her form. But with no other features colored in except for glowing gold eyes. It looked like someone had made a figuring of her but forgot to paint it and splashed on whatever color to make the eyes stand out.

"I'm an english major, right? But I hate writing essays. I want to write my own stuff, not write about what other people write. Sometimes I don't even have time to read this stuff. I just churn out words in the hopes that they fill out the requests, but I don't let myself stop until they are perfect. I don't have a shitty passable mode. So I am like a homework machine that grinds gears to get out paper for words that matter for maybe all of five minutes at most. And I'm sick of it. Just, let me put out essays fast so I can move on. I have this and I honestly feel like school is trying to make me into a robot that can't function without output from others. Isn't that amazing?

"I guess I wish I could just either be that robot or not have to bother with it at all. Is there an option for something like that?"

"Are you asking me?" The void asked.

"I guess. Can't make any decisions without someone else's input, remember?"

"So you want to be like a computer that makes essays quickly?"

"In a sense." She didn't clarify. She wasn't even thinking of deals. She was just venting about school and lost herself.

"I can make that happen."

"Yeah?"

"My power is limitless. Especially without those self-imposed limits I sometimes have. Your pain will be short lived."

"I am so down for that!" Lenor cheered.

She turned to her fridge and pulled out some tubs of ice cream, a box of ice cream sandwiches, and some gold bars that her dad wouldn't miss if she could buy new ones before he checked the freezer. "So I have a few options for you. Take whatever you want?"

"Are you sure about that."

"Yeah. You know what I mean and I've used up my ability to use my words properly. Go ahead with the deal making."

"Don't mind if I do."

True to his word, it was fast and painless.

The remaining years of her life were delectable. The memory chip dropped to the floor where the girl once stood. She basically wanted a transformation, but she didn't say what to do with it when it was done. Well, she did say to take whatever he wanted. Surely there was a use for it.

--

"You know what's great about homeschooling, aside from the part where your home literally is your school that teaches through simulating events and taking you on field trips?" McRosa flopped on her bed. Two tiny avatars were on her phone screen. One was listening half-heartedly while messing around with some app that dealt with sand. The other was messing with her brightness settings on the screen while also browsing through the internet for fan fiction to take down through her desktop.

"What?" The female avatar asked.

"I don't have to write essays." McRosa pumped her fists up and let them fall. The rapid change in view had Vira yell in protest and kick at her sand creation while Alvie set her brightness to full for several flashes in retribution. "Ow!"

"Hold your phone still."

"Yeah, some of us aren't everywhere and can actually feel your phone move. More or less."

"Anyway, I could actually help you with essays if you ever needed that." Alvie said as he reset the sand app. He knew Vira had yet to save it, but she underestimated how discombobulating it was to hear their voices from two places and to have several cameras showing him completely different viewpoints all the time.

"Wait, really?"

"Yep. Of course, I wouldn't do it for free."

"I honestly would be mad if you did. The pain of essays shouldn't be avoided and free rides would be a gypp to people who actually worked on them.” After a pause, she asked, “How would it work?”

“I take several different sources, mainly your notes, wikipedia articles, and whatever else depending on the subject, and generate paragraphs. You can tweak things here and there and tell me the point you want to make and I automatically adjust things to make it. The whole thing takes like ten minutes depending on the length. Oh, and the quality depends on the payment. Better the payment, higher the grade.”

“Sounds pretty…” McRosa searched her mental reservoir of outdated words, “nifty. Where did you get it?”

The digital demon paused. “I...actually don’t know.”

“Do you have like a file with the source?”

“Wait. I think it was some...chip. I have a copy of the folder here.”

On McRosa’s desktop screen, a locked Alvie file opened up. The other contents of the file and his code were either blurred or in a language that looked like a bunch of characters of different languages jumbled up. The file she could see claimed that it was originally created over a century ago. The name of the source looked like it might be some knock off lenovo or something. Nothing else explained it, except maybe the user being a poetry fan,

The name said, “Lenore.”

[jam2289]

How to Make Better Toastmasters Club Presentations

This is a major problem in Toastmasters. It won't be easy to implement, but it should be done nevertheless, and I know how to do it.

A couple of weeks ago I went to an open house put on by the Book Nook Toastmasters Club in Montague, Michigan. I was just going to drop by the club, I didn't realize they had an open house event going on that night. It worked out well. There were a few members from another local club. It was in a coffee shop/ bar/ bookstore that's a nice location, with a raised platform to speak from and everything.

The meeting included several different things, the best part was the impromptu speaking during Table Topics where I talked about how my family is descended from Leprechauns. It was a big hit.

There was also a club presentation made detailing what Toastmasters is about. I've given a few of these presentations. The powerpoints are made by Toastmasters and you are given instructions on how to go through them. I've seen many and I've never seen a good one. I've seen some that weren't bad, but they can't be good because there are issues built into the structure and design of the presentation itself. To the extent that you follow the rules and guidelines of the presentation you will give a bad speech. That puts everyone in a bad spot, presenters and viewers.

The speaker did well at dealing with the situation and pressing through it. But, it shouldn't be like that. A bunch of powerpoint slides with a bunch of writing on each slide, with complex explanations about technical things that aren't really that important at the moment. That's what these presentations are like. I'm going to show what it should be like here.

A common one of these speeches is about officer roles in the club. This is presented just about every year in every club to help people figure out where they might fit into an officer role and help their club. I've given the official presentation. It's dull, I livened it up a bit, but it was like trying to give a speech with your hands tied behind your back.

A few notes before we dive into the speech. One, the powerpoint slides should be fewer and they should have less writing on them. You shouldn't have a paragraph, or two, or three to read on slides, ever! There's no point in giving a speech like that. Just write an article and send it to them in an email. Two, you shouldn't be able to replace the speaker with a recording. If you can you have failed. And, with these presentations currently, you could.

The speaker needs to have a structure with the idea of personalization built right into it from the beginning. It needs to include personal stories and concrete examples so that it will engage and connect with people. I'm not going to go into the three different levels of knowledge here, or mimesis, or the zone of proximal development. Just know that it's important for learning and retention.

Here's what a club presentation about officer roles should look like.

- - - - - - -

1. Start with a personal story about how Toastmasters has personally helped you. This is a speech, make it a good one. For instance, I was at my grandmothers funeral when the minister asked if anyone wanted to say anything. I had completely forgotten that that was going to happen. I thought "Oh no!", that should be me, I'm the speaker. So, I jumped to my feet with nothing to say and walked up to the front and took the microphone from the minister. He seemed surprised that I knew how to take a stage. Then I delivered this little story about how my grandmother used to tease me about being a smartass. It was funny and memorable and everyone liked it. I wouldn't have been able to do that without Toastmasters.

(This should be a dynamic speech, more engaging than this little written summary. If the person doesn't have a story about how Toastmasters has helped them then they aren't ready to deliver club or leadership speeches yet, they need more practice and experience. They can get that practice and experience right at the Toastmasters meetings.)

2. Give a breakdown of the roles. The purpose of each role and the process of fulfilling that role. Include examples and at least one story. I will do a little example here. The important thing to remember is that this is a speech, not a reading of a list.

President - "The President has the easiest job when things are going well and the hardest job when things are going poorly. When things are going well you tell everyone to keep doing what they're doing. When things are going poorly you have to fix whatever that is. The part I liked most when I was President is that you open and close every meeting. You get to set the tone. It's a lot like bracketing a speech, and it's great practice for running any other kind of meeting. I became comfortable with giving speeches long before I became comfortable doing the Toastmaster or General Evaluator role. I liked speaking, I just didn't like managing the front. That changed when I was President of the Grand Haven club. I grew into the role."

VP Education - "The VP of Ed makes sure that everyone is making progress on what they want to make progress on. We all join Toastmasters to get better at something. The programs are designed to help us do that, to challenge us enough that we keep growing and developing our skill sets and expanding our comfort areas. I've found that managing the schedule is quite a project. In every officer role there are two potential paths. One is to keep doing what was done before you, to maintain it. That's the best option if things are working well. The other option is to change things. That's the best option if there have been some difficulties. When Montague launched a new club I took over Education and decided to try to make the signing up for roles function distributed through an online shared page. I hadn't seen a club do that and it seemed like a good option. I made a shared document in Google Drive and shared it with everyone. It kind of worked, but not really that well. It was worth a try. I ended up having to make a lot of the choices for people. Sandy from the Muskegon group has a program that automatically puts in the names. That seems to work a lot better and I suggest doing it."

"I was the first person to complete a full Pathway in District 62. Sandy was the VP of Ed at the time. When I completed the whole thing it was hung up in the system a bit. I was the VP of Ed at another club and neither of us knew why the new system wasn't working. Finally, I figured out that there was a specific process that you need to do after someone completes a level for it to register with the District and with International. We had missed that step on all five levels. So, Sandy did that and then it appeared to the District leadership that I went from Level 1 to Level 5 in one day. They were surprised, lol. I was at a Toastmasters conference and a woman told me that she had thought she would be the first person to complete a Pathway until I leapt onto the scene. So, it's also the job of the VP of Ed to make sure that awards are filed, and correctly."

VP Membership - "The VP of Membership needs to make sure that people are being greeted and welcomed to meetings and given the information packets that we have in the back." (I'm not going to expand on every role here, these are just my short examples.)

VP Public Relations - "The VP of Public Relations works to promote the club. We are getting a bit more engagement with pictures from the meetings on Facebook. If the club is really struggling it might be best to contact some local companies and promote the idea of their employees coming. I tried a few ads on Facebook and didn't get anything of use there. I've used Meetup.com with a few mixed results. Special meetings where people bring friends can work too." (I might tell a story about one of these things, but I won't in this written example.)

Secretary - "When I became Secretary in the Muskegon club Roger already had a good system going with making the minutes available after every meeting. I changed a few small things, but otherwise I just kept running his program. I've found the weekly minutes to be great for keeping people engaged and informed. I highly recommend it."

Treasurer - "The Treasurer makes sure the money is right. It's important to make sure the dues are properly paid. If there's an issue with dues it can stop a member from receiving an award or even disqualify a member from the contests." (I would tell a story here about how when I was in a contest there was another contestant that had made it to the International level in a previous year and was disqualified because they hadn't paid the International dues.)

Sergeant at Arms - "The Sergeant at Arms makes sure there is a place to have a meeting and that that place is ready, and that it's taken care of when the meeting is over." (Etc.)

Just a basic rundown with examples and stories. This is a speech. Include examples of how it can go bad, how it can go well, how you can maintain it, and how you can change it.

3. Include a story here that emphasizes the importance of having structure in organizations and blend this into the conclusion.

"I was working at Baker College as a supervisor in the bookstore. I saw a poster one day about a Toastmasters group. I was surprised since I had never heard of this club, and I was currently a member of two other clubs in the area. I decided to stop by. It was a special club, a Youth Leadership Club. It was in rough shape. See, colleges have this unique challenge. Their members start getting good, then they graduate. This constant churn can really hurt the continuity of the club."

"When I got there they had a President and no other officers. The meetings had devolved into someone kind of giving a speech sometimes with no evaluation and some general discussion. It was a bit odd. The first thing I did was to show them how a meeting should run and why it works. They liked it and could see the value. No one wanted to do evaluations yet so I did three evaluations in the first meeting where we put speeches back in. That's okay, I can do that. As I continued to ease them into all of the roles I also had people choose officer roles. They became much more engaged once they were stakeholders and knew that they had a voice in how things were being done. Structure is important."

"Toastmasters exists to help people develop confidence, get better at running meetings, and to learn how to deliver powerful speeches. The key to doing all of these is to have good meetings. The key to good meetings is to have a good structure, a good meeting structure and a good organizational structure. Being an officer makes a difference."

- - - - - - -

That's the general idea. This would have to be adjusted for individual people. I would also include more ideas to help people come up with their own examples, and I would collect examples that people could tell as stories at any meeting if they don't have great personal examples. This should be done with every Toastmasters club and leadership presentation.

Since we're here I'll point out that Toastmasters should also change how they promote themselves. It should be this, with fancy writing and logos and such.

- - - - - - -

Toastmasters International

Find confidence. Find friends. Find your voice.

- - - - - - -

We need to be clear on why people come and why people stay, and those aren't the same thing. People come for professional development, usually. I did. I came because I had done a two hour seminar where people were confused at the end. I knew I needed to learn how to present, so I looked up speaking development and found Toastmasters.

People stay for different reasons though, they stay for the personal development. It feels good and it's fun. It also helps to sharpen the saw. If I go for more than a month without giving a speech I get a little rusty.

Now, how do we get this implemented? I'm not exactly sure. Toastmasters International has a staff opening in their education department right now at headquarters. With that support I could role out this whole program in a major way in a handful of months and then do follow up and adjustments. The whole thing would be operating smoothly in a year. Or, I could do it as a consultant for the organization. That might work. Will they be interested? I hope so. Toastmasters has great potential. It's already doing good things. It can just be taken to another level and do better.

________________________________________________

You can find more of what I'm doing at http://www.JeffreyAlexanderMartin.com

[lauramclark]

I’ve Been Divorced 5 Years

While I was at the gym this morning I got a notification from my google calendar letting me know today is the 5 year anniversary of my divorce.  The anniversary is something I realize happens around this time every year, but I was caught off guard when I realized it was actually today.  I figured I might as well do a status report, because I’ll probably want it later.   I always do. 

My divorce and child custody case was an awful, long, drawn out process that included CPS and PRE reports, Psych evaluations, tearful parents and children, and tens of thousands of dollars in lawyer fees.  It took no less than 4 judges, a year of preparation and two full days just to hear the final testimony in the case.  We’d already gone to court several times before this for temporary orders.  It was not pretty.  I could not tell friends and neighbors the details because of privacy issues and because it was an ongoing case with criminal implications.  And I didn’t want to embarrass my kids.  

The divorce itself however was surprisingly simple.  

After the first full day at court for final orders we were already running over on time.  The judge was trying to get us out of there and move stuff to the following day.  The judge looked down at the paperwork, looked up at me, made a quizzical face, and said “You’re not divorced yet?” 

Me:  “No”

Judge:  “Let’s fix this right now.  You two need to be divorced.  Now.  Do you want to keep your current last name or change it to your maiden name?”

Me:  “Keep the current last name.”

The Judge said a bunch of legal stuff I don’t remember, and then “You’re divorced.  I’ve got a lot to think about.  I’ll see you all tomorrow”, slammed the gavel, got up and exited the room through a back door.

I looked at the clock mounted on the wall in front of me.  It was 5:17pm and I was divorced.    I walked out of the courtroom in a daze.  I mean, I’d expected it to happen, and soon, but not really today, not like this, and not now.  I hadn’t prepared anything.  No friends to see afterwards or something to do to mark the ‘event’ now that it was over.   I didn’t really feel anything as I walked to my car, got in, and drove home.  I remember feeling empty.  And sad.  My life as I’d envisioned it was over.  The ‘perfect’ family I’d made perfect despite terrible beginnings wasn’t.  It was never going to happen. I wasn’t going to be married for 75 years because I’d married young or grow old with my best friend.  This hurt, and yet I felt hollow. 

Because divorce in itself lends itself to be an accomplishment I thought I should be celebrating, having a beer or something,I thought about that as well, but I had another full day of court to get ready for tomorrow that concerned the safety and future of my kids.  So I just kind of pushed everything aside and went on. 

Time moves really fast.  It’s already been 5 years since that date, which felt like it would take forever to arrive.  I made goals, and I’m proud to say I’ve accomplished them.  I have a great job, bought the house, bought a car, paid off my lawyer fees, earned my CC permit, helped my kids earn their Silver, Gold, and Eagle awards, and accomplished several other tasks I’d deemed as important in my 5 year plan.  

I had goals of helping Thomas earn his Eagle Award, Rebecca her Gold, as well as other 5 girls earn their Gild Award and 10 their Silver, and I was able to accomplish that.  

And I’ve made it. Like, I’m still here and doing well and I actually did it all on my own.  

The kids didn’t want us to get a divorce, but in actuality, it was necessary for their safety.  They just aren’t really allowed to know that.  I think they’ve done a great job dealing with and conforming to what’s their new normal, which isn’t really normal at all.  I mean how many kids aren’t allowed to spend the night at their father’s house? When my ex left to live in California for a while life got really good for all of us.  We settled into an amazing routine that was satisfying for everyone.  Until he decided to move back.   Now the girls rarely see their father (their choice), and Thomas only goes about half the time he’s supposed to.  I’m sure the whole situation sucks for them.  They deserve a better father. I kick myself daily for failing them in that area.   

It sucks for me too.  It’s really hard to parent alone, and even harder when there’s someone out there who’s supposed to co-parent with you and refuses, or outright goes against everything in the court order we spent so much time and money obtaining.  Anytime I send him an email or text letting him know about the kids, their interests, sports, band, fees, medical/dental visits, etc.  the response I get is “I don’t agree”.  It doesn’t matter what it’s about, his response it “I don’t agree”.  I let him know the date of Rebecca’s graduation, and he responded “I don’t agree”.  It’s maddening, and that’s why he does it.  I really thought we’d be past this by now, but I still get answers like this:

I’d love to have a partner to go to when I have issues parenting that could help.  Someone with parental authority to help enforce rules or decide the best course of action when parenting issues come up.  But in reality I never had that in the first place, so I’m not sure why I expected it after the divorce.  It would have been nice though. 

My life currently is great.  I have a great job with a lot of flexibility.  It allows me to still be a mom, but I get to travel and run offices all over the world.  It’s challenging, I’m learning, and I have room for growth. 

Recently I’ve been able to get back into hiking.  I’ve always loved to hike, but during/after the divorce I just became too busy managing day to day life to be able to accomplish a hike.  Now that 2 of my kids are driving it’s a lot easier.   I’m still crazy busy, but I’ve found time to work it in.  And yoga.  Yoga has been a lifesaver.  If you haven’t made it a daily practice you should.

I’m proud of my garden, the successful mowing of my lawn every week, and to be honest, the fact that my life actually works.  Almost daily I stand in my kitchen, look around and take a deep breath and appreciate all I have.  I was able to keep a house I couldn’t afford.  The kids have a stable place to live in a great neighborhood with amazing schools.  We have an extremely tight budget, but I didn’t need to move the kids from their home because their parents got a divorce.  That’s a huge plus. 

Emotional scars run deep, but I’m in a much better place than I was 5 years ago.  I no longer jump when someone touches me on the shoulder or avoid dark rooms.  I don’t use the bolt lock on my bedroom door much anymore.  I don’t have as many nightmares, and I can sleep with the door and windows open or closed at night.  Did you catch that?  I can actually sleep!  It used to take me hours to fall asleep, and now I’ve gotten to the point where I can actually nap!  That’s insane progress!  I can close my eyes and not be afraid of what’s coming (either physically or when I dream).

The one thing I really need to work on are relationships both men and friends.  I’ve purposefully not dated.  I don’t trust my judgment on men at this point, and I don’t think it’s fair to bring someone into our family (which works pretty well btw) unless they’re going to be a huge asset.  I haven’t found that yet and I’m not really looking, so I don’t expect it to happen for a while.  I do regret that the friendships I had, while few, have fallen to the wayside.  I was just too busy trying to make life work to keep them up, and emotionally I was fragile.  Added to that I couldn’t tell anyone details of what was going on.  Legal and emotional issues made me keep details inside.  So I just kind of clammed up and did it all alone.  That needs to change.  I need to be a better friend.  I need to start making time. 

So, here’s my new 5 year plan. 

Pay off truck

Look for a new place to live (the 6 bedroom house is too big for me, the kids will all have graduated by then, and I can’t really afford it anyway)

Keep CC permit current

Hike more, specifically 14ers (goal of 2023 for completion) but honestly get out any chance I can.

Go on one social event per month, outside of work.  – This one will be a real challenge, both emotionally and time wise.

Travel.  I need to visit the upper east coast, as well as several countries around the world.  1 big trip per year. 

Blog more.  I know, I know, I blog a lot, but it isn’t like it used to be.  I need to be writing more in depth content, not just cataloging.  I miss my blog style of before, and want to bring it back.

Help the kids become successful in whatever way that means to them. 

Wish me luck.

[dornishsphinx]

twenty-two meetings that never happened (2/22)

2. THE MAGICIAN

Yosuke swiped his finger across the screen to bring up the email again, just like he had done at least five times already. Meet your assigned partner at the clock outside the main building at 12pm sharp! Once more, he found himself checking the time. With a little notebook-style flipping animation, it ticked over from 12.29 to 12.30. God damn it.

He shifted from foot to foot; his right, his left, then right again. Had his assigned partner forgotten about the meet-ups? It would be just his luck if he had - though maybe at least it would be a good anecdote for his first call back home.

Home. Huh. Yosuke folded his arms across his chest and leant back against the wall, letting his gaze drift upwards to level with the roofs of tall buildings which loomed over the plaza. So, Inaba was home to him now? Weird. The city had been what his default image of home was for the longest time, even months into the provincial life.

Things here were different to how he remembered them, though. He’d assumed he’d get back into the swing of things soon enough when he first arrived, but now it was undeniable, even for him: the city of his earlier years seemed to have melted away in his absence. Before, he’d had stable roots: parents to go back to at night; old friends he could chill with; the quickest routes through the wide streets firmly memorised.

Now, though? That easy closeness with his friends had been shaken by years’ worth of texts gone unanswered, and he wasn’t quite sure how to fix it, or if he even should. Several of his old haunts had been shut down - while he hated to empathise with the those among the residents of Inaba who’d shunned him and his family, he had to admit to finally gaining a glimmer of understanding the moment he discovered his favourite takoyaki stand had gone under. As for his parents, they were still in Inaba and had no plans on returning, their city house having been sold when they left town. He’d rode past it, once, when going to see one of his oldest friends from the neighbourhood, like muscle memory had forced him to go past his house. A strange kid had been playing outside. He’d avoided going that route since.

“Yo! Sorry I’m late!”

He snapped to. A friendly looking guy was waving over at him. Presumably it was his assigned partner - thank god, he wasn’t going to have to decide whether or not to leave. Yosuke flipped close his phone and plastered on a grin.

“Hey, no worries, I was kinda late too!” he lied.

“Yosuke Hanamura, right? I’m Kenji Tomochika. They sent your name and photo so we could find all you lost newbies.”

“Oh, cool! Good to meet you, senpai!”

God, what the hell was his voice doing? Why was it so high and panicky? Had Tomochika noticed? He hadn’t seemed to, but was he was just being polite?

“So, hey, you wanna come see the canteen first?” he said. “Food’s not great, but it’s hella cheap. I’ll pay. I’m the reason your lunchtime’s been cut in half, after all.”

“Sounds good. Senpai.”

Tomochika grinned. “Awesome, I’m starving! We can do the tour after, ‘kay?”

The canteen was a blocky, grey building, with some weird murals painted across it that only made the rest of it look all the more industrial. Inside, it was swarming with students; all the ambient chatter made the air hum. Yosuke hesitated, but Tomochika pushed on ahead into the queue to the hot food section.

“Hey, you should get the curry rice,” Tomochika shouted, “It’s actually okay. The rest of the stuff here pretty much sucks.”

His voice carried; the server shot dirty looks at him. Yosuke winced and brushed it off with an embarrassed grin - he’d been on the other side of the counter so many times, after all. Still, it wasn’t as though the guy was wrong: casting an eye over the other options, it became super obvious that none of these options were gonna be appetising. At all. Pretty much immediately, he decided to go with the suggestion - though not before his attention was caught by what looked like they were supposed to be steak skewers. Weirdly, he found a small, nostalgic smile had started tugging at the side of his mouth at the sight of them.

Then, his attention got snatched away from them by a polite cough. He snapped his head around to see the girl ahead of him already walking away and the cashier looking at him pointedly. He could take a hint.

Tomochika was after him in line - as he waited for him to pay, Yosuke scanned the room for any potential seats. Yeah, no, this place really was packed - like, the impossible to move, let alone find a seat kind of busy. But then again, Tomochika was swanning off like he knew what he was doing, and Yosuke didn’t have half the experience he did, and so he followed him. Magically, he found two seats. Yosuke leapt for his, just in case someone else spotted it before he managed to park his ass.

His stomach grumbled. Tentatively, he lifted out some of the rice - twisted his wrist around one way, then the other - and took a bite. (You didn’t encounter Yukiko Amagi’s cooking and not check for suspicious patches of colour or lumpy bits that shouldn’t be lumpy in every other meal you ever had.) Flavour - sweet, spicy flavour - burst over his tongue.

“Huh, not bad,” he said in surprise.

“I know, right?” Tomochika exclaimed, brandishing his own chopsticks in a way that would make anyone with the slightest care for dining etiquette wince. “Trust me, if you’re coming here to eat, you wanna stick with that. Someone should profit from all those terrible lunches I went through my first year, when I was testing all the options.”

“Hey, it can’t be as bad as some of the stuff I’ve had back-” He paused. It was one thing to call Inaba home to himself, quietly in his head. Hell, he might tell his friends, if it came up. It was another thing to say it out loud to a stranger he was trying to impress. “-In the town I was living in the past couple years. Seriously, it was like they thought steak croquettes were high cuisine.”

“What town’s that?” Tomochika asked, seeming genuinely interested.

“Uh, Inaba? It’s pretty tiny, it’s kinda near-”

“Whoa, wait, I think I know that place! I mean, unless there’s a whole bunch of little towns with the exact same name. Which could be the case, I guess. Lemme see, uh… is the school called Yasogami?”

Yosuke’s jaw dropped. How? How the ever-loving hell did this guy know Inaba? It was Inaba. Nobody knew Inaba. Mom had pitched a fit when she’d figured out how remote the town the company had been moving Dad to was, and that had only been after a boss-difficulty-level google search to actually find the place.

“Yeah,” he said, dumbfounded. “Uh, wow. How do you know Inaba? It’s like, in the middle of nowhere. It probably doesn’t even show up on maps.”

It was only after he said it that it occurred to him: it wasn’t as though Inaba was as unknown as it had been when he moved there. It couldn’t be. Not after everything that had happened last year.

“Oh, our school did an trip there in second year, to exchange ideas on learning styles, or some bull like that. It sure was, uh. Quaint?”

Oh, so it wasn’t because of the murder spree - well, that was certainly unexpected. Ugh, wait, why was he even thinking about that? It had been more than a year ago; this was a completely different place; and he was over everything that had gone on then. Forcibly shoving the sudden pit in his stomach away, he twisted his face back into the jokey way he’d had it before.

“You’re telling me. I had to move there because of my dad’s job - from this city, actually. Wasn’t exactly an easy adjustment.”

Tomochika winced at that. “I am so sorry.”

The response rubbed Yosuke the wrong way a little. It wasn’t Tomochika’s fault, obviously: he was just going along with the atmosphere of camaraderie to keep things from getting awkward in that oh-yeah-we-are-actually-complete-strangers-aren’t-we sorta way. Still, he’d found himself missing the little place over the weeks he’d been back, quaint and tiny and murder-y as it had been. Even the steak croquettes, at points. (Hey, he’d never said his feelings were rational.)

“Nah, but it wasn’t really so bad. Like, there was a city not too far away - I mean sure, it wasn’t convenient like here or anything, but I wasn’t completely cut off from the world or anything.”

“I mean, I guess that’s not as bad as it could have been, but still. I can’t even think about going back to Tatsumi Port Island now that I’ve lived here and the city there’s actually pretty big. Oh hey, so if you’re from here, maybe you should be the one showing me around-”

Yosuke interrupted him: “Tatsumi Port Island? I’ve been there! Well, I went to the school, at least. Maybe it was the same programme you went on to Inaba?”

“You visited Gekkoukan? Man, that must have been after I left. I wonder if anything’s changed since then.”

Wait. If Tomochika had been at Gekkoukan High a few years before Yosuke went on the exchange there, did that mean he’d gone to school with those Shadow Operative weirdos who’d shown up to take Labrys away? Naoto’s investigations, at least the ones she’d shared with the Investigation Team, had pointed to Gekkoukan as their old base of operations, and it would be around the right time, considering the guy only had a few years on him. Hell, was he one of them? Those guys had been pretty suspicious, after all, so it wouldn’t be completely out of the left field if they sent one of their own to spy on him.

Oblivious to Yosuke’s minor freakout, Tomochika laughed, brushing aside the matter that he’d got tongue-tied over.

“But man, that is so weird, like, we visited each others’ high schools and didn’t even know it. You think maybe the organisers looked into our backgrounds while matching us up, to see if people have anything in common like that?”

“Seems a bit much for them to bother with, doesn’t it?”

He peered at Tomochika, waiting for a reaction, but he just shrugged. “Huh, I guess you’re right.”

Maybe he wasn’t some Shadow Operative secret spy after all. Weirdly, he found himself a little disappointed.

“So,” said Tomochika, dragging out the sound, “Inaba. I heard that’s where that crazy murder case happened last year? You’d have been living there at that point, right?”

Oh. Yeah. Of course he knew. It was stupid to think he hadn’t: it had made national news.

“Yeah. I was.”

“Oh, wow, no way! Musta been pretty scary, huh?”

“Yeah. I mean, I guess.”

Something in Yosuke’s face - or voice, or maybe even just his aura - must have tipped Tomochika off, because he winced and in a hushed voice, he asked: “Ah, you didn’t. Uh. Know anybody who was, y'know…”

“I did, yeah.” Tomochika winced. “Oh. Sorry, I shouldn’t have brought it up,” he said, and to his credit, he actually sounded sincere about it. “I mean. I lost a friend in high school so, I know it’s not easy. I mean, he was closer to other people and it’s not like he was murdered but- I’m making this worse aren’t it? Sorry. I’ll shut up now.”

“It’s okay, man,” said Yosuke. “We weren’t really that close.” Well, it was true, even if only on her end.

“Still,” he said, “I shouldn’t have brought it up.”

“Honestly, it’s no sweat. You didn’t know.”

Tomochika smiled back, a faint edge of nervousness creeping in at the edges. Oh, just awesome, he’d managed to freak out the guy he was supposed to be impressing. What the hell happened to him always being the most normal guy in the room? Though, looking back, maybe it had always just been in comparison to those goofballs he called friends back in Inaba.

Though. Maybe he could lean into it a little? New place, new people, new him? Oh, what the hell, why not?

“Hey, Tomochika-senpai, did you by any chance tune into the LMB Fest this summer?”