#set myself the task of tidying today so you know this only goes well and only good

[autism-disco]

normal again or at least getting there. sorry about all that happy boxing day anyway

[butts-bouncing-on-the-beltway]

Coffee obtained (by a long suffering wifey who took pity on me) and consumed (by me and my greedy sugar and caffeine craving hands)

Delightfully (or perhaps wretchedly) this now means that I am ready to confront the radiating doom.

Time to brace myself and prepare.

For those who don't know why I call the Doom bins, it's because they are containers of Things TM that were once useful as useable storage but eventually hit some indiscernible critical mass where they began to radiate a sense of impending Doom every time I look at them.

Once this starts, the container serves only to accumulate more things, but rarely or never to have items taken or used from within it, because the sense of foreboding I get whenever I am confronted by it is so upsetting that I am apparently unable to do this either for daily use or tidying purposes.

The longer this goes on (and the more items are added to the Doom Bin) the larger a sense of Doom it radiates until at some point merely being in the same room with it causes me severe anxiety, constantly draws my eye, attention, and focus, creates endless spirals of guilt and shame that can take hours to break out of, and eventually after weeks or months of stewing, I finally break. I go on a cleaning rampage, scrub everything in my vicinity spotless EXCEPT THE DOOM BIN, collapse in an exhausted heap unable to clean for at least another week, and continue avoiding the Doom Bin for literally YEARS.

It is a source of deep seated pain, anxiety, shame, guilt, fear, and stress within me, and I truly wish I knew how to break the cycle.

This doom bin has been 2.5 years, 8 traumatic relocations, and several severe mental health crises in the making. I am not looking forward to literally unpacking it.

So. As an autistic therapist with CPTSD and OCD, what am I going to do to help myself confront this traumatic cleaning project from a place of rootedness? I know myself pretty well by now so I've developed a bit of a routine for emotionally intense things like this when needed. It is personalized to me, not general advice, but maybe it gives you some ideas of how to put together your own routine!

Step 0: I would never try to do this on an unmedicated/undermedicated day or on a day when I was too overwhelmed already. I want to give myself the best chance for success.

Step 1! Find noise-canceling headphones. Confirm they have enough battery power (70%), turn on, put on, and begin a stim song on a loop or a stim playlist if I have one. Today's stim is Lasciami Stare by Måneskin. This helps me get started moving and keep me regulated during the task as well as setting a defined time block around the activity of "things that happened when the music was playing" which helps me keep them from spilling over.

Step 2: Heartmath (love it it for me cuz I struggle to regulate my heartrate and autonomic system more generally. It's not quite emdr, but I get the sense that they pair well and if you're an emdr candidate you're a heartmath candidate and vice versa, though definitely don't go around quoting me on that because I am not a provider of either therapy). This is a form of breath and heart rate control combined with mindful visualisations to regulate the sympathetic nervous system and de-escalate it from fight or flight when necessary to my understanding (again don't quote me). I spend 5 min on my heartmath exercises which is about twice as long as I usually would for a maintenance round but half as long as I would to fully anchor myself back in reality, because a little distance and externalization here isn't a bad thing for me personally.

Step 3: text wifey. She worries when I don't respond, and since I'll be in headphones I won't hear anything. Gotta make sure she knows why. Also creates an external expectation on someone else's part that I will be starting soon, which creates the impetus along with my stim music (which has me boogie-ing by now) to get up and start working.

Step 4: write down a list of supplies I will need to use during my project. This is part of why I write my accountability posts here. It means I have already thought through my projects in detail and step by step which helps me complete this step where previously I'd have not been able to. I'll need all the hampers we have, a couple of trash bags, the broom, a washcloth and multipurpose cleaner, my headphones and phone.

Step 5: take 3 deep breaths in through my nose and out through my mouth and on the last exhale, get up and collect my items so I can get started after. Usually, once I'm moving it goes from there as long as I don't sit back down.

So now that I've shared this big snarly self-help-esque post with you, it's time for me to go confront my Doom Bin. May this (legally not therapeutic advice just me talking about my journey as I'm dealing with my personal experience of this phenomenon in case it resonates for yall to hear it) be meaningful to you in some way 🤝

[cheri-translates]

[CN] Victor’s Night Meeting Date (Eng Translation)

🍒 Warning: This post contains detailed spoilers for a date, 夜会之约, which has not been released in English servers! 🍒

Important references are made to Victor’s Return Home Date, which has not been released in EN. Do read that first before proceeding :>

[ This date was released in CN on 26 October 2020 ]

The red light makes its countdown from 99 seconds. Victor pulls on the handbrake, turning to look at me. 

Victor: What are you looking at - the rules of the competition?

MC: Nope. I’m checking to see who’s participating in the competition, and whether there’s anyone I recognise.

Half a year ago, Victor sent out invitations to small-and-medium enterprises - LFG’s investees - inviting them to participate in a simulation competition in Loveland City.

The winner of the competition will acquire a fifty million dollar investment from LFG.

A few companies politely declined, feeling that LFG was too lofty. But a few open-minded young CEOs were willing to participate.

And I am one of them.

Victor: Goldman is responsible for this competition, so you can look for him if you face any issues.

MC: Does this mean Goldman will have all the contact details of the participating CEOs?

I hold up the notebook laptop in my hands and show it to him, deliberately giving him a sincere smile. 

MC: Do these business elites have good editing skills, or are they truly this handsome?

A sudden drizzle descends from the gloomy sky.

Victor taps on the steering wheel indifferently, his ring finger clicking the windshield wiper.

Victor: There isn’t a discrepancy between the actual people and the photographs.

MC: So they truly... have their merits.

Probably because my awe sounded too genuine, Victor’s eyelid twitches slightly.

Victor: You could look for them yourself to get their contact details. The reason why LFG is holding this competition is to allow for interaction among elite businessmen from different industries, and to expand their network.

MC: ...yes yes yes. A few days after interacting with them, we’ll be able to clarify what they are good at, what sort of personalities they have, and whether there’s a possibility of collaboration in the future. To a start-up company, financing channels that can provide these resources are even more important than the funds themselves. Victor... I know all this.

Victor: But?

MC: But according to the rules of the competition, I have to be locked in the hotel for a full seven days.

Victor turns a deaf ear to me. He pushes the handbrake, stepping on the accelerator.

In a soft voice, I continue sending out hints. 

MC: Don’t you have anything else to warn me about? For example, to take care of my safety?

Victor turns the steering wheel to the right, casting his line of sight to the rearview mirror.

Victor: You’re very safe in LFG’s hotel. There’s nothing to be cautious about.

With this, the logo of LFG’s hotel comes into view. 

I reach out to unbuckle my seatbelt, but Victor stops me.

Victor: I’m driving to the underground carpark.

MC: The rain isn’t that bad. Alighting me at the entrance will do.

Victor doesn’t respond. He has already passed the gate, and has entered the carpark.

After coursing through the familiar carpark, the car pulls up in front of the elevator. 

Since it’s still early, only a sparse number of cars are in the carpark. The surroundings are quiet, and there’s not a single person around. 

...I first glance at him out of the corner of my eyes.

MC: I’m off.

Victor: Mm.

Then, I unbuckle my seatbelt. 

MC: Are you going back to LFG now?

Victor: Mm.

After a pause, I take my handbag.

MC: I’m... leaving now?

Victor lowers his eyes slightly, releasing a very soft chuckle.

He’s doing this on purpose! I immediately push the car door open--

A hand suddenly lands on the right side of my forehead. I subconsciously turn my face to the left. He leans forward, pressing his lips to my hair.

Victor: Be safe.

His low voice encapsulates a mildly teasing smile and breath. It’s as though he’s giving me a tiny, tangled compliment. Even his lowered voice is mixed with cheerful satisfaction.

I nuzzle my head into his palm. His sleeve and wristwatch slide downwards, revealing the edge of his palm and his long, slender fingers.

MC: You too. Drive safely.

After disembarking from the car, I turn around again and wave at him.

MC: I’ll strive to win the competition!

-

Goldman: Firstly, I’m grateful to all the participants for coming here despite your busy schedules.

Goldman: I trust that everyone has taken a cursory look through the rules of the competition before coming here. 

Goldman: In this competition, you have to study an LFG acquisition case, and produce an analysis report from any perspective. 

Goldman: The employees will be distributing the case study materials to the participants. According to the rules, the submission date for the report is the final day of the competition. 

Goldman: In the meantime, everyone can use the leisure time in the evening to work on this task.

Without a lively atmosphere that other competitions have, Goldman informs everyone about the important topic of this competition the moment everyone takes their seats.

The meeting room is on the 32nd floor. The view outside the window features Loveland City’s financial centres and tall skyscrapers, the glass windows of every building refracting rational, cold light. 

Enveloped by the overcast sky and light drizzle, the entire business district looks extremely serene. 

Very soon, hardcopy versions of the case study materials, as well as a USB drive containing the files, are in my hands. The sound of paper can be heard as the people around me start reading.

After a while, the participants exchange glances, and start discussing softly.

??: Business plans, meeting minutes, financial statements, employee resumes... LFG is letting us look at every brick of SE. 

??: It was worth making the trip here - this is all insider information! It’s such a waste that there aren’t contact numbers on the employee resumes, so I can’t tell who is who. 

??: I like this topic. It’s in line with Victor’s style. 

Out of all LFG investments, SE - a network video platform - was its worst.

When the information was first announced, every financial platform used phrases like “LFG’s Battle of Waterloo” or “Victor’s wrong decision” to attract attention. 

Even though many people have already forgotten about this matter with the passage of time, Victor, without doubt, still remembers it.

-

In the evening, I read through the materials, which span over three hundred pages, seriously. Every day and night that Victor revisited SE’s business model flashes past my eyes. 

Victor must have found a lead here, and clearly identified every minor detail resulting in SE’s collapse. 

Now that I’m the one in his shoes, can I do it?

Feeling drowsy, I clip up my fringe and lean against the chair, staring at the ceiling.

My phone suddenly rings. It’s a certain someone’s special ringtone, and I’m so surprised that I jolt awake.

Victor: How was today?

MC: It was very enriching. I made so many new friends, and participated in the most difficult ERP Sand Table Simulation in my entire life. I even had a seafood buffet in LFG’s hotel, which is deserving of its reputation. What about you? Are you still in the office?

[Trivia] An ERP (Enterprise Resource Planning System) Sand Table Simulation (沙盘模拟 - “sha pan mo ni”) is a relatively new teaching mode of accounting in China, which cultivates one’s ability of business operation, coordination and interpersonal communication. It basically simulates the operation of an enterprise, which includes marketing, production, logistics, financial centres, etc.

Victor: Mm.

MC: Are you standing at the window looking at the scenery?

Victor: Mm, I just realised that the rain has stopped.

I draw back the curtains, looking at the night view beneath my feet. It’s already very late, but the lights from office buildings illuminate the night distinctly. 

They even reveal the sharp and lonely colours of the cloudy night.

This is one representation of “business”.

Before the collapse of the magnificent SE, its building was often lit up - a starlight converging with the city’s night scene.

The same goes for LFG’s building.

MC: Once you’re done, head home early to rest.

Victor: Are you preparing to sleep?

Looking at the tiny mountain of materials on the table, I let out an anguished wail.

MC: CEO Victor, don’t you know how demanding the rules you set for the competition are? How could I be sleeping at this time!

At the other end of the line, Victor cannot help but laugh.

Victor: In that case, I’ll wish you the winning prize?

MC: Sure, I accept your blessings!

-

This is the fourth cup of coffee I’m having today.

Time is tight, so I’m unable to comb through every single one of SE’s business proposals and then formulate them into words. I need to go straight into the heart of the matter, and hit the nail on the head!

Even so, I stare at the file on my laptop which currently spans over thirty thousand words. There’s a sense of unease in my heart.

Did I include too much nonsense? 

It’s already the evening of the fifth day, and I’ll have to submit the report in 37 hours...

Restless and anxious, I down the remaining half of my americano, then draw a bunch of squiggles on my draft.

The doorbell suddenly rings. 

A possibility flashes in my mind. I run over frantically, looking through the peephole at the person standing outside.

MC: W-wait for a moment. Victor, wait for a while!

With fiery speed, I rush to the dressing table to tidy myself up, then rush back to open the door.

Victor: Did I come at the wrong time?

MC: No you didn’t...

Before I finish speaking, Victor reaches out to touch the pimple patch on my forehead.

Victor: What’s this?

MC: Worry, internal heat, loss of sleep, supper... The main reason could be the fried chicken I had for supper the day before yesterday.

Victor: You don’t know how to eat something better even with the competition funds from the company.

Without waiting for him to continue, I press him down onto the sofa in the living room.

MC: Let’s continue our chat later. Hold on, I’ll tidy up some things!

It becomes evident that I have some issues estimating how long “a moment” is.

By the time I finish combing through my outline and prepare to do a further refinement, more than an hour has passed. Victor remains seated on the sofa, waiting for me. 

I blink at him guiltily.

Victor: Are you done?

MC: Not yet, but I can take a break~

I walk over, kneeling on the empty space on the sofa, leaning my entire body onto him.

Victor shifts closer, placing a hand on my waist in a habitual manner.

Victor: How’s the competition?

With a frown, I shake my head.

MC: As of now, I’m ranked in 13th place. Your fifty million dollar investment wouldn’t reach me.

Victor glances at the outline and the half-completed draft in my hand.

Victor: You still want to compete when you have no prospects?

MC: Of course. I’ve already worked on this for so long, so I should at least produce something.

I tilt my head on Victor’s shoulder, taking another look at the report I've spent days writing. The more I look at it, the more dissatisfied I am. So, I just heave several deep sighs.

MC: But some of the competitors are really formidable. I can tell that they’re treating this competition as a game - they don’t put much heart into it, and they aren’t very serious about it. Even so, they win very easily, and take the lead very easily.

I say excitedly, straightening up and facing Victor. 

MC: For example, the CEO from Yao Yue, the media company, has won me over. During the ERP Sand Table Simulation on the first day, he actually went to other groups to poach members halfway through. And poaching other people was just the first step. Once their funding chain was in operation, they went around purchasing other production lines, and continuously expanded their scope.

Victor smiles faintly, his expression reflecting a tacit understanding.

Victor: You aren’t bad either. Goldman told me that among all the competitors, you were the first one who thought of capitalising on rent to construct the production line. 

MC: You said it yourself - whatever isn’t prohibited in the rules is permissible.

Furthermore, Victor had prepared for numerous eventualities during the game, and arranged for Goldman to react accordingly. Nobody’s creativity can disrupt the process of the game. 

Thinking about this, I once again feel disheartened, plopping myself back atop Victor’s chest, looking at the report that I have no idea how to amend.

MC: As compared to them, I’m still far behind... It’s so difficult to surpass you.

Victor suddenly lapses into silence, his hand on my back.

-

The air-con in the middle blows out rustling wind. It’s very soft, but I hear it very clearly because of how quiet the room is. 

Accompanying the regulated white noise is the comfortable warmth from Victor’s arms. Four cups of coffee doesn’t seem to be of much use.

Drowsily, I stare at a sentence on the report, warning myself repeatedly: I can’t sleep yet.

Perhaps noticing that I haven’t spoken for a long time, and that I’m so tired that my eyes have drifted shut, Victor gently takes the file away from my hand.

MC: ...I’m not sleeping.

Hearing my indistinct mumble, he lets out a resigned chuckle. 

Victor: Are you going to continue amending it?

So tired that I can no longer open my eyes, I give him a nod, rubbing the side of my face on his chest.

The scent of a fresh bath entwines with cologne, twirling around the tip of my nose. It’s such a pleasant scent that it makes one feel as though breathing is a kind of luxury.

Likely not knowing how to deal with me, Victor holds onto the file and doesn’t move.

It’s only until I hug his waist contentedly like a cat which has had its fill of being coquettish, that he flips through the file, probably wanting to have a quick look at what I’ve written.

After a while, he touches the ends of my hair.

Victor: The overall reasoning has no issues. But regarding the marketing strategy...

I reach out to cover his mouth. Because I’m not looking, my fingers fumble on his face for a moment.

MC: This is a competition, so you can't help. And this is my competition, so I can do it independently... Also, you specially came over at night just to comment on my report?

Victor: Why else do you think I’d be here?

I open my eyes lazily and look at his chin. With a hum, I bury my face into the crook of his neck, coquettishly blowing into his ear.

MC: Teacher Victor...

MC: I’m calling you ‘Teacher’ not because I want to talk about business methods and progress in work.

Victor doesn’t say anything. He places the file on the coffee table. After a pause, he speaks softly.

Victor: You never mentioned that your goal was to surpass me. 

MC: I have, but you didn’t take me seriously...

I rise from his chest, giving him a firm look.

MC: I’m not that silly to think that just because I’ve won a few media-related prizes and produced a few good programs, I’m already on the same level as you. You’ve been taking care of me in a greenhouse, keeping out the wind and rain for me. All I can do is to make a few flowers bloom under your meticulous care.

The lenses of his thin spectacles reflect the warm and yellow ceiling lights. Behind the lenses, there are deep emotions in Victor’s eyes.

Victor: When did you have such a thought?

My line of sight falls onto the file on the coffee table. On the first page of the report, the words “SE” have been circled with a pencil.

MC: When SE got into trouble, you flew to France and were so busy that you didn’t sleep for days...

MC: And when you were back in the country, you spent half the year arranging for the sale of the property and didn’t tell me a single word about it. That’s when it started.

This has been a knot residing in my heart, and I've never brought it up to him.

I really wanted to help even a little, but I didn’t manage to do anything.

Unable to be needed by him, unable to become a person he can face difficulties with... A voice in my heart has always been reminding me of such a reality. And I'm not going to simply resign myself to it.

Victor: What happened with SE is just an example. We’re from different businesses and different fields. There’s no need to compare yourself with me. Also, I’m older than you. When you’ve reached my age, you might attain the achievements I have today.

Victor lifts his head to look at me, his eyes filled with his usual resoluteness.

Although I only said one thing, he seems to have understood everything.

Victor: You’ve never been a flower I’ve been raising in a greenhouse. At any point in time, I do need you very much. When SE was in trouble and the PR Department couldn’t communicate with the media, they talked to you about it. It’s not as if you weren’t of any help.

You tilt your head to look at him. Furrowing your brows, you bite your lip.

MC: Could we not talk about such general principles? I can understand them, but the things I can do are always limited... Which is why I’ll not give up on this goal.

Victor sits upright, closing the distance between us. His grip on my back tightens slightly, and his voice is even lower than before.

Victor: Who was the one who said she didn’t want to talk about business methods and progress in work? 

Victor: Is the phrase “I need you” also considered a general principle?

I lower my head and chuckle, pushing at his chest lightly with my fingertips. He doesn’t pull back. Instead, he shifts forward even more.

Victor: What do you think I specially came over so late at night to do?

His voice carries with it his exhaled breath, reminiscent of a silk thread on my collarbone, causing a ticklish sensation to surface.

I have no choice but to lift myself up, cupping his cheeks in my hands.

MC: Teacher Victor, you look very good in spectacles.

[Note] AND THEN EVERYTHING FADES TO BLACK AND YOU KNOW THINGS ARE GETTING SPICY

Victor: Still amending your report?

MC: I will. I’ll amend it after you leave.

Victor: In that case, when do you want me to leave?

MC: ...

MC: I still have an entire day tomorrow.

Victor: Are you sure?

MC: ...don’t tempt me!

Victor: I’m seeking your opinion. The decision rests with you.

-

🌹 MOMENTS 🌹

Victor: Looks like the dishes in LFG’s hotel are passable. A certain someone actually put on weight after being locked in for seven days,

MC: Fried chicken! Five star recommendation! The breaded chicken thigh paired with plum sauce was so delicious that I was on the verge of tears!

Victor: I’ll give you an opportunity. Bring your proposal over and exchange it for the secret recipe for the dipping sauce.

-

Victor: Looks like the dishes in LFG’s hotel are passable. A certain someone actually put on weight after being locked in it for seven days,

MC: Not just the dishes - the wine was also very good!

Victor: When did you secretly drink wine?

-

Victor: Looks like the dishes in LFG’s hotel are passable. A certain someone actually put on weight after being locked in it for seven days,

MC: Every meal was a buffet, so it’s difficult not to gain weight...

Victor: A greedy cat always has many excuses.

-

Phone call: here

[becca-becky]

Accepting Duplicity, Part 2/2: Can Selfishness Be Good?

Relationships: Janus & Everyone, basically

Summary: A 'what if' scenario: what if Janus took Virgil's role as the first Dark Side to try and interact with the Light Sides? (just imagine every episode pre-AA that had Virgil in it and just imagine if Janus was there instead of Virgil)

Notes: Janus's title is Duplicity, but his nickname is Vill, short for Villain because he dresses like a disney villain (original, I know). This entire thing is just if SvS, Putting Others First, and Can Lying Be Good had a baby and it was AA Part 2

Words: 3633

Also on Ao3!

*+*+^+*+*

When Janus woke up today, he was not planning on encountering the others in his room. And no, he wasn't speaking backward this time.

"Excuse me," He said with a smooth voice before appearing in his usual capelet and hat, "What are you doing in my room?" He sneered.

The others just screamed at the sight of him. Figures.

"Vill? Oh my goodness, I am so happy to see you, that's weird," Thomas said excitedly.

Janus blinked before slowly saying, "All of you just didn't scream in unison upon seeing me,"

"S-sorry," Logan stuttered out, uncharacteristically nervous, "You do this thing where you kind of just- appear ,"

"Wait, wait, wait, what is going on with my hair? Oh, come on, I just washed it like- yesterday. How did it get like this?" Thomas whined as he took off his hoodie and tried to fix his nest of a head.

Roman brightened and threw a hairbrush at him. "Welcome back, Thomas!”

"Thanks, Roman," Thomas quickly tidied up his hair and threw it back. Roman let put an 'ow' as Thomas went back to the task at hand, "Vill, you don't understand-"

"-come on-" Roman muttered.

"-for some reason, I wasn't feeling your presence at all,"

"Yes, yes, I'm well aware," Janus said idly, "It's because I wanted to- test something, you could say. Although a more proper term for my disappearance would be 'ducking out',"

"Quack," Patton mumbled.

"What- ducking out?"

"Quack, quack,"

"That's a thing you can do?" Thomas asked Logan, who muttered back: "For this video, I guess,"

"I decided to try and remove myself from the equation for the time being, since all of you seemed so adamant that my presence wasn't welcome or necessary,"

"Well, I wouldn't-" Patton started to say before he could only mouth the movements of speech. The poor dear was telling a lie.

Janus shot a sympathetic look his way, "Don't act like I'm not telling the truth, Morality,"

Patton shut his mouth.

"Well, it's because it was kind of unnecessary for you to be there during Thomas's problem solving," Roman said, a grimace set on his face.

Janus snorted, "Oh, what, I'm not allowed to be here but you, Mr. Hopes, Dreams, and Aspirations himself, are?"

"We aren't the same-"

"Noooo, of course not, especially since we both encompass what Thomas's wants and needs in life. Definitely not,"

Roman frowned and began to open his mouth.

Logan interjected, anticipating another argument, "On behalf of my fellow sides, I'd like to... apologize for our negligence towards our treatment of you. I can't imagine it was pleasant,"

Janus sighed, "It comes with the job,"

"But, I truly don't think any of us anticipated how important you are, Duplicity," Logan said earnestly. Roman and Patton gave him a look but he just gave them one of his own, daring them to argue.

Roman sighed, and nodded reluctantly, "Without you, Thomas didn't want to do anything except for work and he couldn't even put on a show for the camera despite that! He just said whatever came into his head and he had a nonexistent filter for everything. It really made me feel bad because then it was like I was useless-" Roman slapped his hand on his mouth and chuckled nervously.

Logan paused before continuing for him, "Precisely, Vill, you encompass so much more than Thomas's selfishness and deceit. You exist to keep him safe,"

"I mean, self-preservation is basically the only reason I'm here," Janus mumbled, "But I'm glad you see my purpose, Logan,"

"B-but," Patton stumbled, "I mean, I get why he’s important, but he’s still not- like us..?" He tried to say in the most polite way possible.

Janus smiled at that, "And why should I, Patton?"

"Say what?"

"Why should I be like you?" Janus reiterated, "And how am I different than you or any other side?"

"O-oh, because lying isn't- it's not, uh, I mean-"

"Tell me, Patton,"

"Because lying isn't good," Patton spit out, his frustration and adamancy clear in his tone, before putting his hands on his mouth in shock, "I- I'm sorry, I don't understand what came over-"

Janus waved his gloved hand, pretending like his statement didn't hurt him, "Don't soften the truth, Patton, we both know it only makes things worse. And to answer your -to be frank- incorrect statement, I'll say this: how can you be so sure that lying isn't bad? And what makes you or any of the others ‘better’ than me?"

"Because you aren't being honest and the others aren’t- you know, bad?"

"And how is that a bad thing, and what makes the others good?"

"Because it's- it's not- it's not ethically right, first of all, and second, there’s nothing- ethically compromising about these two,"

"And how can you be so sure?"

"Well, um, look. How would you feel if someone lied to your face about something that they didn't have to lie about and you trusted that person?"

"I'd feel hurt," Janus said curtly, already understanding where this was heading.

"And that's because you trust them to tell you things that aren't lies because you trust them to not break your trust," Patton rattled off, moving his hands around aimlessly.

"Okay, those are way too many 'trust's in one sentence," Roman said, cradling his head in his palms like he was getting a headache.

Janus ignored him, "That's only one scenario, Patton. What if you had to tell the truth about a hamster's death to a child? Would you lie to them and simply say that 'your hamster ran away' or something more comforting? Or would you tell them the blunt truth? That their hamster is gone and won't ever come back to them? And you’re still not answering my question, Morality, what do the others have that I don’t that makes them ‘good’?"

"W-well-"

"Patton, just hear me out on this. What if not all actions have the same moral consequence in different situations as moral philosopher Jonathan Dancy says? I’m paraphrasing here- but he said it's truly impossible to quantify the ethical weight of moral principles since situations can be so different from each other for many different reasons. So, curiosity during a rather morbid experience and continuously probing the people who experienced it isn’t exactly ethically right in that specific situation. Or let’s say pride; you got a callback for an audition for a- um-"

“-an Alfred Hitchcoppalucas film-!”

“-yes, that, but your friend -who also auditioned- didn’t get the callback. Now, it’s fine to feel pride in your accomplishments but you don’t just shove it in their face, because that’s just needlessly cruel. It’s all in the matter of how far you go with it,”

"Yes, but that still leaves the fact that at least lying for selfish reasons isn't the most- morally decent thing to do-" Patton argued.

"That's you making your own judgment call. Surely you know when it's necessary, to tell the truth in a situation and when it isn't? That's the whole point of moral particularism. I'm just trying to say that lying isn't the most black and white thing to do. And even then, morals aren't black and white and shouldn't be perceived as such, since morality is more of a- spectrum of grays,"

Roman snorted, "Are there 50 shades-?" He was quickly shut up by Janus with a snap of his fingers.

"Those grays vary in shades of light and dark, but they're all the same color, and that's the mindset you should have as a figment of morality simply because life isn't simple. It gets more and more complicated as it goes on. People are never truly evil or good, it's only dramatization and opinions that shape people's perception of them. Sure, there are some people who are the darkest shades of gray imaginable and some who have shades that are so light they're white, but that suddenly doesn’t make them incapable of doing good or bad. And that's why I'm here,"

"To darken Thomas's shade of gray?" Patton muttered, confused, continuously shifting his eyes between Janus and Thomas.

"No," Janus quickly said, "No, definitely not. I'm here to-"

"-show that I have a capacity for deceit, among other things," Thomas finished for him.

Patton gasped, "Kiddo..."

"Patton, Vill isn't that bad. He really isn't, or at least, he really can't be. If he was, then I would've been better off without him a few hours ago,"

Patton looked at the floor, "But Thomas, he's still-"

"We're all capable of doing bad as well as good in life, Pat," Thomas said softly. "You know that, I know that, so why are we fighting it?"

"I just want you to be a good person," Patton whispered

"And I just want to keep him safe," Janus said. Patton looked up at him, a small frown on his face. "I know you don't like me, and I know you certainly won't try and do so today or tomorrow. But- but at least trust that I want what's good for Thomas as well. I'm self-preservation, for Christ sake, I'd be going against my job description,"

"Well, then why do you always act like the embodiment of a Disney Renaissance villain all the time?" Roman blurted out.

"Roman?" Thomas asked tensely, but Roman soldiered on, rambling incessantly like if he won’t get his thoughts out on Janus now, he won’t have another opportunity later.

"What? He's a creepy cookie! You're a creepy cookie, Duplicity!"

"Roman!" Thomas repeated.

"You're like an oatmeal raisin cookie that's primarily composed of raisins, no one wants that, least of all-!"

"Pump the breaks, Princey!" Thomas said.

Roman's eyes widened like he was somehow realizing, just now, that he said all of that, "I- I'm sorry," He placed his hands on his face in embarrassment.

"You pump those breaks,"

"I'm sorry, I just- I'm feeling a bit more truthful? Just getting all of my thoughts out there, I'm-"

"Take it easy, Roman," Janus warned.

Roman groaned into his palms once more. “Ye-yeah, I got that,”

"But to answer your rather blunt question, I was under Vi-" Janus halted before continuing as though he didn't pause his sentence, "-the belief that a dark persona would help you listen to me, that maybe if I played the villain, you- you'd listen to me. But gradually, I realized that perhaps it wasn't working as I anticipated," Janus said sheepishly. "So, I needed a bit of a break from that whole spiel to attempt and- reinvent myself, you could say. I wasn't planning on leaving you for so long, and I -maybe, possibly- thought you would enjoy the lack of my presence,"

Roman snorted, "Look how well that-" He quickly shut his mouth with one look from Thomas.

A silence passed. It was stifling and Janus was about to ask if he could go back up to his bedroom so he could be actually comfortable but Logan spoke up before he could do so.

"Well, that sounded monumentally unwise and incredibly out of character for you, Duplicity,"

Janus growled, "What? Is the embodiment of selfishness not allowed to take a break?"

"Vill, you are an incredibly important survival instinct, and it's astounding that you don't realize that, even with you saying you understand your purpose," Logan sighed, "I realize that we have undermined your presence more times than Roman can count-"

"-hey-!"

"-but you simply must understand that without you around, Thomas would suffer," Logan summoned a graph and marker and gestured to the title. "The relationship between selfishness and performance can be expressed on this curve, known as the Yerkes-Dodson curve. It's named after the psychologists, R. M. Yerkes and J. D. Dodson. They-"

"Get on with it, Calculator Watch!"

Logan frowned, hurt flashing in his eyes as he reluctantly continued. He didn't even seem to realize it. Janus tensed. His room was beginning to take a bigger hold on them than he envisioned.

"Up here is where you want to be-" Logan gestured to the point of the parabola, "-the optimum degree of constructive tension. Yes, too much selfishness pushes us to this side of the curve, and performance is hindered, which is less than ideal. But without you at all, Thomas is not just on this more overworked, under prepared side of the graph which is also not ideal when you're trying to get things done. He's all the way down here,"

"By the horn of a unicorn, that was going somewhere! I thought I'd have to drag our attention away from that stupid graph like it's somehow more important than me because my self-worth is incredibly poor and I just want someone to-" Roman slapped his hands over his mouth, flashing Janus a grateful look.

Janus stared at him with wide eyes but turned his focus back to Logan, "So, without me, aren't you always on the other side of that- um-"

"Yerkes-Dodson curve, yes," Logan ended for him.

"I was blanking on the word 'parabola', but that works as well,"

"There are ways I can work on that, Vill. But I'd rather work on it with you than without you at all," Thomas said earnestly.

"I doubt you can guarantee that with Morality around," Janus said softly, stealing a glance at the side in question, who just looked down ashamedly.

"We can all work on that, Vill," Thomas amended. "It's important because you need to be listened to. You're an important part of me -all of you are- but I need to recognize how much you need to control for me to function well. You're kind of like Roman, in that sense,"

"Well, we're both multi-faceted and we do encompass a lot of your wants and needs," Janus muttered.

Logan added on, "You're what holds Thomas back from overworking himself, you're there as a protective instinct first-"

"-and you're there to make sure Thomas gets what he wants!" Patton exclaimed, startling Logan.

Patton noticed Logan's stiff form and wide eyes and quickly apologized. "Sorry, was that too loud? I was worried I wouldn't get another chance to speak and I wanted to share my thoughts before I forgot them if Vill went on another-" Patton shut his mouth and didn't continue, however, did shoot Janus a thankful look, who reciprocated it with a concerned look of his own.

"Duplicity," Janus looked to Thomas, "In small doses, you're what encourages me to treat myself a bit when I've gotten a lot of work done. To take extra time with my appearance so I'll like who I see in the mirror, and to know when enough is enough. I- I'm lucky to have you the way I do,"

"Agreed, constant narcissism isn't pleasant for others around you, nor is it healthy for your mental health if it continues to the point of a lack of empathy," Logan said, not noticing Patton and Janus's flinch. "Whether it's a symptom of a different issue, or a narcissistic disorder, or the unfortunate result of something someone is going through,"

"And I don't want to downplay any of that, but I think maybe I could benefit from trying to hear you more,"

"And I'm grateful for that, but that doesn't-" Patton cut Janus off.

"Vill, you're what helps make Thomas happy. You're the- encouragement he needs to go out and do something for himself, like getting a hot dog or a new Frogger game. And that small action, even if it isn't much, makes me grateful for you. I- I never truly realized how happy you made me whenever you encouraged Thomas to get something he wants or to take a break from studying or practicing. And I think that's as good a sign as any that you're willing to help Thomas, even if it's through small gestures. And that happiness, that drive, makes us... better," Patton said before bursting into tears, starting to ramble.

"I- I'm so sorry, I thought you were the worst person ever and now it’s like I’m confronting these two different versions of you and I just feel really sad all the time and it's not because of you, I just keep acting all happy and hoping that the bad thoughts'll just go away-"

"-I still think that curve is useless, Logan, I can easily just poof it away and then we can focus on something actually important like me because I have an incredibly small ego and I just think that our time would be better spent-"

"-well, first off, it's called a Yerkes-Dodson curve and second of all, this is the episode where I finally got listened to and now you're starting to complain? It's almost like no matter how hard I try, you never listen and just argue with me even if I’m trying to help-!"

The three lapsed into separate, overlapping arguments, venting about all of their issues and letting their emotions cloud their filters. Janus winced, "Uh, oh..."

"Uh, what the heck is going on?"

"These three have been in my room for far too long and now they can't handle the... effects of staying here for this amount of time,"

"And what are those effects?" Thomas practically yelled, trying to be heard over the three venting sides.

"Saying whatever is on your mind in full honesty and with all of the emotional clarity without thinking of the consequences. And in combination with that , they’re driving you far over the other end of that parabola, not realizing or caring about what the others are saying and simply caring about airing their frustrations to nobody in the hopes that someone will hear and listen to them,"

"What?!"

"Hold on. We're getting them all out of here. Thomas, do not forget what you've learned. Now, think of truths. Not facts, per se, just things you personally know to be true about yourself or the world around you,"

Thomas took a deep breath, trying to ignore the yells, insults, and crying and just focused on himself. "I like cats, the sky is blue, musical theatre is really important to me-" He continued listing things off as Janus sank the gradually quieting group back down to the living room.

The group popped back up again and Janus began to scold them, "Well, that was an incredibly idiotic thing you all did, but I wish I could say I was surprised,"

Roman looked at Janus, astonished, "You... rescued me,"

"I wouldn't say rescue, but I am self-preservation and you were airing out problems I had a feeling would be too… personal for us to discuss at the moment," Janus amended.

"Incredibly right, just as you keep Thomas away from joyless and unwanted situations, you also enable him to find an escape out of them," Logan said.

"Thanks, Vill," Patton said, his tear marks glistening on his face.

Janus felt his human side flush at the praise and waved his hand, "No big deal, Patton. But I still find it hard to believe you all went through that for- for me,"

Thomas smiled, "It was worth it to regain my good ol' self-care,"

"That's right and just like you saved us, it's the cautious people that work that hardest to save others and themselves from harm, whether it be mental or physical. Sometimes it's better for a society to preserve itself than be needlessly selfless," Logan added on.

"I'm glad to have you back, Duplicity, and I promise to make sure you feel listened to and strive for a better balance from here on out," Thomas's gaze refocused on the camera, "And to all of you out there-"

"Wait," Janus found himself saying. "Good lord, I might actually be considering it,"

"What?"

"If you truly want to strive to make me feel listened to, I- I'd like it to be halfway,"

"What do mean by that-?" Roman started but quickly cut himself off as Janus began to take off his glove.

"I know this might feel... unnecessary but I would still like to be on an even playing field with you all, even if it makes me a bit uncomfortable," Janus explained haltingly, flexing his fingers experimentally.

"Oh, Vill, you don't have to if you don't want to," Patton said, concern laced in between his words. The others nodded along with him, clearly in the same boat. But Janus lifted his bare hand, motioning them to silence.

Patton quieted, staring at him with a furrow in his brow.

He took a deep breath and held up his right hand right by his face, as though he was under oath.

"My- my name is Janus," He stated before quickly flicking his eyes at everyone's expressions and putting back on his glove, ignoring the clear shock and confusion from the others.

"J-Janice?" Roman snorted.

Patton and Logan glared at him. "Why's that so funny?" Thomas said with an edge in his voice.

"W-well-" Roman noticed the flash of hurt that passed through Janus's eyes and changed his answer, "-because, um, it's... not,"

Patton hummed, "It's not what I was expecting, to be honest, but I like it!" He commented brightly.

"The name comes from Roman mythology, correct?" Logan asked. Janus nodded, too stunned by the positivity to respond.

"It was... unexpected-" Roman said, shifting his weight on his feet, "-but it must have taken a lot of trust to tell us that... Janus."

Janus gave him a slight smile as Thomas began saying his pre-end card monologue. Something about learning new things about yourself and how the 'bad' things about yourself can have pros about them at times.

In truth, he wasn't paying much attention, he was busy being confused over the warm fuzzy feeling in his chest that came after the fact.

Oh god, did he have a lot to tell Virgil and Remus.

[voxvulgi]

multiples of 6 - for whoever you think has the best answer including youuuu (you can skip those you don't like xD)

// alright so *cracks knuckles* *puts on accountant hat* *takes out calculator* in 100, the largest multiple of 6 is 96, which has 16 6′s in it. i have 18 muses, but 4 of them are exclusive, so i can stick to the 14 non-exclusive muses and have 2 questions to spare, which i can answer myself

Keep reading

6: do you keep plants? 

“I do. I live alone, so the flat feels dead sometimes. Plants help me feel like I don’t live alone. I do like isolation, but that’s only to a certain extent. Plants are living beings you have to take care of, and they’re a sight for sore eyes, too. I especially like them in the kitchen. When I wake up to make breakfast, the sun is at an angle that pours gold into my kitchen window, and the specific shade of green of their leaves is absolutely gorgeous. I also have a group of small pots to plant thyme and rosemary and such. I could just buy them fresh, but picking your spices yourself every now and again just...engulfs the senses.”

12: what's your favorite planet? 

“When Malik asked me this question and I told him Uranus, he laughed at me for ten minutes straight. At first, he laughed for a few seconds because he thought I was making a joke, but when I told him I was serious, he laughed for the rest of the ten. I really wish scientists just let Uranus be called Ouranos. Did they really not consider that sometime in the future, a girl would tell someone that her favourte planet was your-anus and get laughed at? Rude. But anyway, Uranus is my favourite planet...literally just because it’s pretty. Blue is my favourite colour. Also, it’s the only planet that spins on its side, which was what made me decide that it was more worthy of being my favourite planet than Neptune. Neptune just goes with the flow. Lame, right? Uranus is not like other planets. It’s different. It stays home and eats chicken nuggets instead of going to parties. Also, it was the only planet named after a Greek god instead of a Roman one, and when I found that out, I was like finally, and I just made it my favourite planet.”

18: tell us about something dumb/funny you did that has since gone down in history between you and your friends and is always brought up.

“I live with my cousins, alright? They own a pub. So, basically, we live upstairs, and the pub is downstairs and open until late. My cousins don’t have a problem with this because they set their won work hours and wake and sleep as they please and all, but I have to attend work with the local herbalist sometimes because she trains me. So, one night, the pub was open well after the usual closing time because some man was getting married in a few days and wanted to celebrate with his friends. I’m not the kind of person to tell people how to live their lives and how late to go to bed, but I was irritated and went downstairs to ask my cousin when this would be over. You know, just so I could get a good idea of when I’ll finally be able to sleep. When I got there, the man to be married was flirting with the barmaid. I would have ignored it, but she looked terribly uncomfortable. I told him off first, and it didn’t work-- obviously. So I went back to my room and gathered some leftover poison ivy powder. I went back downstairs, flirted with him, and unbuckled his belt in front of all his friends. They ooh’ed and ahh’ed because they’re idiots, then I tugged on the back of his waistband and left him with poison ivy all over his arse. I waited until his face twisted and he started drunkenly panicking, then I left. That man didn’t know I’m related to the owners since my cousins are white and all, so there was no harm done to the pub’s reputation, but my cousins and the pub workers -- even the barmaid -- now keep asking me not to hide poison ivy in their pants whenever I look even mildly disapproving.”

24: is there someone out there you would trust with every single one of your secrets?

“I’d trust Alan with every one of my secrets. Except if I do something that isn’t actually worrying but I think might worry him anyway. Because he’s a worrier. That’s not technically a secret.”

30: think of it: have you ever been truly scared?

“Look, I think everyone has been truly scared. There’s always a moment in their life that really scares them, and just because it isn’t as scared as they can psychologically be doesn’t mean it wasn’t true scared. So yes, I have been truly scared. The most scared I’ve ever been was, obviously enough, when I got the phone call from my mother about Joseph.”

36: which band's sound would fit your mood right now?

“Branches. They’re upbeat but at the same time make me feel calm and relaxed, which is thankfully my mood in general.”

42: do you have a favorite coffee shop? describe it!

“My favourite coffee shop is a block down from my work. I rarely take work there, usually just buy a coffee and leave or stay for a while and lounge. It’s my favourite because they make the coffee taste how it smells. If coffee doesn’t taste the way it smells, you might as well be drinking mud water. They practically have walls instead of windows, and there’s this terrace on the second floor. It gives you a good view of the street. Looks best in the morning because there’s a park just a street away and people everywhere. The coffee shop itself -- the interior, I mean -- is just clean and tidy. Their seats are comfortable but don’t look like something a wannabe hippie would own. They like their plants in moderation. Their tables are glass, not metal or wood. They don’t have puns or cheesy quotes anywhere. I like that.”

48: what was your biggest fear as a kid? is it the same today?

“My biggest fear was that a dragon would kidnap my mom and hide her in a tower. I thought and still think that my mom is so pretty! So I figured that if a dragon was going to kidnap someone, it would be my mom. I don’t have that fear now, but I’m...well, I’m really afraid of Jace dying.”

54: who's the last person you saw with a true look of sadness on their face?

“Jenny and Dean last father’s day. Their dad’s already been dead for about a year at that point, but...hell, it’s their dad. I probably looked really sad, too, and he wasn’t even my biological dad.”

60: do you like poetry? what are some of your faves?

“I do like poetry. Not big on the older stuff, mostly because of the language barrier. The modern stuff is easier to understand. I actually prefer confessional poetry because it’s like looking into the dark corners of someone’s mind, and not in this romanticised way. Not for me, at least. This certain kind makes me feel seen because when someone shares their experiences from behind their own eyes, in their own shoes, they experience emotions and thoughts that are so raw and human that I feel less alone reading them. I haven’t read that much, to be honest, so I don’t have favourites. I’ve only read the more popular ones that have been coming out in the past decade, so I think picking a favourite is unfair because my pool is so small.”

66: what would your ideal flower crown look like? 

“I don’t know. I’ve never worn a flower crown, but I suppose that if I were given one, I’d like for it to have a good amount of leaves along with the flowers. Green is my favourite colour. The flowers can be anything, but I think open ones look better. Maybe daisies-- they sound perfect. Yellows and pinks and reds would be welcome, too, as long as there’s a good amount of white daisies.”

72: are you a person who needs to note everything down or else you'll forget it?

“I would not say I forget easily, but I note everything down, just in case. Some things are too important to get wrong, while others just cause avoidable inconvenience. It helps me organise my time and prioritise, too, so I just opt for making notes.”

78: are you in the minion hateclub or fanclub?

“Fanclub! They’re very cute. I only saw them in that movie called Despicable Me. Most of the time, Ivan and I aren’t allowed to use the TV, but it was on one of the days we were allowed, so we watched it. I liked it a lot. The minions are so full of energy and happy and stuff.”

84: are you planning on getting tattoos? which ones?

“Ooooh, yes!! I’m gonna get a bunch of tattoos! They won’t be anything fancy, though. Just some stars and smiley faces here and there. They’ll all be in colour. Nothing black or white. There’s probably gonna be some small dinosaurs. And music notes. Oh, and rocket ships! I’ll just get a tattoo every time I think of something. They’ll be small. Like, and inch or something, so there’s plenty of room!”

90: talk about one of your favorite cities.

“Paris is my favourite city. The thing about it is...it loves you. That’s how I can describe it. It’s a very old city, okay? A lot of shit went down in it. There were wars and revolutions and all that. I admit that I don’t know much about the historical details because I sucked ass in history class, but I just feel like Paris was founded on fighting, and people fight for their rights and the things they love. So...I think that every building in Paris was made with love and built with a purpose. I don’t like New York because I feel like it just wants to eat you. Paris loves you. I’m very appreciative of that, and I’m appreciative of the buildings most of all. Especially the old ones are gorgeous. I try to incorporate as much of Paris into my architecture models as I could.”

96: do you install your computer updates really quickly or do you procrastinate on them a lot?

“Not really quickly. If I just got on my computer and it tells me it needs to update, I wait until I’m done with my task before I update it. Otherwise, it’ll keep bothering me about it, so I just like to get it over with. Similar thing with my phone. I postpone the update until bedtime then let it update while I sleep. No need to let it disturb the flow of my day, you know? But I’m still gonna do it. I’m not a big procrastinator.”

[meddows-taylor]

Hi folks. I probably won’t be around until late Saturday or Sunday. I don’t know if I’ll end up showing up here before that, (most probably I will, at night if my night headaches go away) as my daily life is changing quite a bit right now and I need these two days to get used to it and to organize my reality and my thoughts. But I’m fine, trying to stay calm (on day 6 of quarantine, but managing quite fine), and - yes, very ironically - pretty busy the next two days. I’ll probably queue some stuff and will try my best to check my messages as well, since being in contact with all the wonderful people I know here has been helping me a lot. 

Under the cut there are some random thoughts about my current situation that I wrote down during the day, in case you want to get a closer look at how I’m feeling right now and what is going on. I love you all so much and please, please be safe and take care of each other. 

- I put on some makeup this morning (just a bit, what I would qualify as “going to get coffee or run some errands” makeup) and it instantly made me feel better.  I’m used to seeing myself with makeup on during the week and it helped greatly to feel better and give my day at home some “normalcy”. It is also something I love doing and for some reason, I had convinced myself I couldn’t because I’m staying home and no one is seeing me. Well, I never really put on makeup for others but for myself, so I realized today how silly it was that I had stopped doing it.

- Decided to set up a decent space in my bed (not the best for WFH recommendations, but for now it will have to do). I’ve been staring at my desk that’s filled with stuff I was going to pack for a weekend trip that of course isn’t going to happen, and feeling guilty that it was such a mess and I couldn’t use it to work or study. But beating myself up for not being tidy is not a priority right now, and with my parents also working from home, the living room is a mess of phone calls and laptops and papers. So, the double bed with plenty of pillows will do for a place for myself.

- I have to work and I can’t keep postponing things hoping I’ll get them done as I usually do when we go back to the office because well, right now I don’t really know when that will be. But I think I needed these days to “grieve” my normal work life. On Wednesday I cried while sending out emails canceling events all the way through May. I was about to breakdown again while figuring out how we were going to pay for providers and clients because our remote system is not up to par with our working from home needs. But I didn’t. I can only take care of what we can right now, and try to keep the boat afloat. “Office manager” seemed like a laughable job term most of the time, because I’m not officially it but in practice I am. Now it’s beginning to seem like a very real figure. 

(Writing this post got cut off because my boss called, and having a sort of “game plan” set up as a team helped a lot. Feeling productive at least towards others and having a clear set of tasks to get through instantly made me calmer) 

- Community, even little network, helped a lot. Talking about something else. I’ve been sending videos singing and dancing to my two best friends all morning. Mostly old bops, high school musical dances, the most guilty pleasure pop. (we’re 27 so It was fun trying to recreate tiktok dances and feeling so, so, very old). Knowing I have my two rocks a videocall away didn’t make me miss them any less but it did confirmed the immense love I have for them. I can’t wait for this to be over and hug them so tightly.

- When the afternoon hit I felt sad, anxious, angry. Usually I keep a close watch on my mood changing so quickly because it’s an indicator my anxiety is doing worse. Right now all I can do is be as loving as I can towards myself and cut myself some slack - if my emotions change, I’ll just try my best to navigate through them, and most of all, not expect myself to feel okay all the time. Most of the day I have a knot in my stomach and feel like crying, but then it goes away, only to return later. Or, if I’m lucky, it doesn’t, and I just distract myself and manage to feel pretty okay. But I can’t punish myself for the changes.

- I’m terribly sad about all the things I’m missing: a trip with friends, a bunch of concerts, the last class of my writing workshop that was going to be tomorrow and now will be a group video call. I’m terribly anxious about having to read my piece to a screen and get feedback in a way that feels so distant to the closeness we had built as a group in the last few weeks. And then I feel stupid or ungrateful for caring about those things when there’s a bigger, more serious picture. But it’s okay to grieve those small moments we’ve been looking forward to. It’s okay to feel angry or helpless or sad over what was our daily life. Feeling guilty on top of it all won’t help me either. 

- And maybe I’ll write a longer reflection about this later, but I’m also trying to not feel guilty (guilt and self exigence seems to be a common theme for me, I’m aware) about not being as creatively productive as I could or “should” be. I wanted to use this time to write, but the moment I sit in front of my computer and stare at the pages, I get stuck. My mind fills with worries, my mind wanders, I feel whatever I can write down is crap. I also take a look at the books and stories I wanted to read and I feel tired and desconected and discouraged. And I look at the piles and piles of notes for exams I have to get through and I can feel the guilt eating me up again. It’s okay. It’s okay if we’re drained creatively, if we’re not motivated, if we can’t focus. At points of the day I manage to pick up a story and read one chapter, I get to at least edit what I have already written - I count those as victories but I’m trying to not beat myself up if I can’t even get there.

Well, now I’ll try to get through these two days doing what I have to (and what I can), and being as kind to myself as I want. And writing down what’s going on at least helped greatly. Thank you 

[lihikainanea]

hey hun. So I started University recently and I've been stressing myself left and right to stay on top of the material. So thanks to that my mental health is suffering like hell because whenever I don't get my notes done on time when I planned them to be done or when I slack off for a day even though I have things to do I feel horrible with myself. I can imagine that Tiger might have the same problem when she's stressed. What would Bill do to help and calm her down when she has a breakdown?

How come so many of my bubs are having such a stressful time lately? I don’t like this. I suppose it’s the time of year isn’t it, it’s around finals time and I’m pretty sure it’s science, profs go batshit insane too around finals time and the result is all you wonderful smart bbs are suffering for it. I’m sorry, babes. Try and remember that time off to slack is necessary and actually makes you MORE productive after. You’re not a robot, you need breaks often so you can give your brain a step back.

I think both Bill and tiger have this problem, which makes them a mess but that’s my favourite. Bill goes balls to the wall on every gig, and that means spending hours obsessing over his lines, getting frustrated when he can’t get the tone right, getting even more frustrated when he forgets them. Tiger has to keep poking her head into his office, pulling him out to come help her in the kitchen for a few minutes or bring him into the living room while she plays a classic song and loops him in for a slow dance.

Tiger’s on the same extreme though, a total workaholic and when she’s in something, she’s all in--working/studying through the night, not stopping until it’s done. It’s not healthy, she’ll forget to eat, she won’t sleep, she won’t take care of herself. And usually it’s grounds for punishment if he hasn’t stopped it in time, but if he’s around while it’s going down...oh, oh he puts an end to it. And not in a controlling or overbearing way because he knows what it’s like to have a lot of work and to have to find a way to get it done. Tiger’s been through that before. This...this is near mania. This is her spiralling a little too fast and getting a little too worked up and a little too...well, tiger.

He’d enforce mandatory breaks. A lot of them. Every hour he’d come in and get tiger, take her out of her working room. He’d bundle her up in a coat and a scarf and walk with her around the block, or he’d cuddle her. They set rules, like she was allowed to delay one break for the next hour but it meant the time doubled--so he’d get her for 30 minutes, and likely lie on top of her for a nap. Lunch breaks were always taken outside the work room. Sometimes, too, she might break a rule on purpose just for a little punishment, because that helped her feel better, too. Feel more in control.

But if it got too far and she was in the midst of a full breakdown over it--say, even though she was taking breaks and he was making sure she was okay, she just got so overwhelmed with the task that she just broke down--he’d be all over it. She’d probably be immediately picked up, sat down right in his lap. He’d let her get it all out--whether it was crying or ranting or whatever, he’d let her just empty out whatever anxiety she had in her over the whole thing. He wants to help her work through it logically--break it down into smaller steps, make a plan, help her rationalize it all--but right now is not the time for that, while she’s still in the middle of it.

I think he would kinda read her cues, but I HC tiger as very much being a control freak but she’s had a lot of control recently and now when she’s losing her mind the only thing she wants is to completely give up control. She wants him to just...handle things. She wants to be safe and cared for and not have to worry about a single fucking thing anymore, at least for a little while, and Bill knows that. He’s done it for her before. So once she’s calmed down enough, he’ll do the one thing that never fails to ease her mind--he’ll put her on her knees. Make her kneel in front of him and take away every single stress associated with choice and ugly shit like decisions, for the rest of her afternoon and evening. He’ll spend that time softly--but authoritatively--telling her what she’s going to do next and she just...she melts into it. 

Once she’s off his lap and kneeling in front of him on the floor, he’ll push his thumb into her mouth and use his hand to cup her chin, tilting it up.

“You’re done working for today, kid,” he’ll tell her, “Go tidy up your desk and meet me in the kitchen once you’re done.”

She doesn’t argue. She’ll just stand--pausing to put her hands on his knees, bend to give him a solid kiss--and then do what he says. When she’s done she meets him in the kitchen as he’s finishing getting lunch ready, and he’ll lift her up onto the counter as he plates it all up. She’ll sit on his lap to eat--she was in her own chair but she kept giving him that pitiful look and staring at his lap, so he pushed his chair back and pulled her over to him. He should have known, should have known she wanted it but wouldn’t ask for it in this state, and he mentally kicked himself. And after lunch it’s nap time, so he tells her to go and get the blanket ready and wait for him on the couch

But y’know, nap time isn’t quite successful. Because they lie down and tiger’s on his chest but she’s getting...fussy. She’s fidgeting, whining a little, nipping at his thumb. And while she absolutely does not want to decide a single thing in this state, her body is just deciding for her and she starts moving her hips against him. Bill just opens his eyes, stays her hips with his hands, kisses her.

“Maybe a nap comes a little bit later, hm?” he prompts, and tiger just looks up at him with those big pleading eyes, “Do you need something from me, kid?”

She nods, whines a little, moves her hips again. His heart explodes.

“Alright, let’s go make sure you get it.”

And as soon as they walk into the bedroom he doesn’t even have to tap her shoulder, she’s already dropping to her knees in front of him. He takes a minute to lean down, take her face in his hands and kiss her deeply because god, she’s just so good for him and she’s finally looking relaxed and not all bug-eyed and panicked the way she’s been for two weeks. He fluffs the pillows on the bed, pulls the covers back, and he goes to scoop her up but she makes a whining noise and he stops. She eyes his belt--doesn’t reach for it--but her eyes flick from the belt up to his and he just inhales sharply. She will be the death of him one day, he’s sure of it. But he strokes her cheek, leans down to kiss her again.

“Good girl,” he murmurs against her lips, because she was telling him--in some form or another--what she needed. He undoes the buckle and she shivers at the sound, then he opens the button and tugs down the zipper. Usually he’d make her do it, but he knows she loves the visual and she’s practically salivating at his feet--and all of this, it’s for her. It’s to make her feel better, make her feel small in that way she loves, so he gives her an eyeful and makes it a show. He pulls his pants and boxers down his legs ever so slowly then reaches forward, tangles one hand in her hair. He steps into her reach and guides her mouth forward and he both feels and hears her sigh of relief when her lips wrap around his tip.

TL;DR: he makes her subby as HELLLLLLLLL when she’s way too caught up in that brain of hers.

[steveramsdale]

Big dipper Blog - 10.10

This blog is, essentially, the same as last week’s. There are some alternative factual details, but they are superficial. Anyway, you could just reread (or remember) last week’s offering and save yourself a bit of time. If you do decide to read on, we could make it more fun. You could try to decide for yourself the highest high and the lowest low. Remember, it’s just for fun. There’s no prize, so don’t write, text or email.

I think, as people, we are supposed to grow, to learn, to develop. That’s the most startling revelation you’ll read today. Adversity can be, I’m told, an opportunity for such personal growth. It may, in fact, be true, that I have been learning about myself. I wonder if my ‘issue’ is that if one thing is wrong, it affects everything else. See what you think.

On Saturday, my chief goal was to get the car de-registered and get the papers I need for me to be able to export it. The police centre I needed to go to was advertised as opening at 9:30 so I had time to get up and get sorted. I had a wonderful colleague on notice to be available for telephone translation if necessary.

I took a 6am trip to the shop through the park. Many people were already out running, I’d say 100 or more and it’s not a big park. Much of Tashkent has given up on lockdown.

Soon it was time to head off for the simple process of taking my car off its registration here! Google maps took me behind the centre where there was no gate. It was not difficult to find a way round to the front. That was the last time a problem was easily solved on Saturday. When we got the van and went to register it for the first time, the father and son who sold it to us, took me and helped. Even so, when we got there, they accepted the help of a man who was at the centre to do just that - help, for a fee, people through the process. He charged me about £20 but probably saved us 3 or 4 hours by knowing what to do and going to the front of queues. When I returned to the scene of this lengthy but problem-free process, there were, again, these free-lance ‘sorters’ and I decided it would be worth accepting help. The price was about the same. However, the first problem emerged in minutes. The address. I knew, back in September, that this would be a problem one day, would bite me on the bum. Sorry, I forgot to say that this blog would contain strong language and adult themes. I have a credit card-sized, well, card which is my ownership document (log book). It has all of the details about me and my van. So, of course, the address is our old address. Now, in my passport, I have my new address. I did not sort this out. The people at the centre said they could not de-register me until I changed the address (of course I questioned this), and that I could not change he address there but had to go to the centre in Yunusabad. I paid about £2 for something and my assistant asked for (and received) about £5 for his help. I set off for the other centre.

Long-time readers may (won’t) remember that at the original registration, we also went to two centres - the wrong one first. The centre I had to go to now was that ‘wrong’ one. I love symmetry, and here it was. When I got there, again came the offers of help. There were more guys here and they wanted £60. I declined, at this rate. I first drove into the inspection hall. Here they check the car against the ‘tec-passport’ as the credit-card is called. They match up the chassis number, etc. I had the papers from the first centre, so that went through without a hitch. Thereafter, the day was just a big hitch or series of small hitches that’s looked like one big hitch. We return to the Uzbek system, seen at the Kazakh border (remember) of needing to go from window to window, room to room. However, I was soon (a relative term) told that I would not be able to deregister the van until I had proof that I was leaving the country too. This would be in the form of a stamp in my passport given by my landlord! This cuts a longer story short and, by now, includes Miss Viktoriya as my telephone translator. I was certain that this could not be right (by the way, the miss-matched address was no longer an issue. It would mean, for example, that an Uzbek could not export a car to a relative in Russia! I tried explaining this, we went back to the main hall to talk to the boss a couple of times, but no one was changing this story. I phoned Pim, the export guy who has helped with every stage of this van conversion, and he put me on to a colleague. We talked and he also spoke to the officials there but got the same answer. Pim then told me that his people would look in to it more on Monday (yes, this story goes on) and help to sort it. The woman I had been dealing with insisted that I go back to the other centre and get my £2 back - which was an incorrect charge. She even phoned them to arrange it for me. I didn’t go back. Not for £2.

As an aside, there has to be a better way for the authorities to organise this free-for-all. The system is not a system. Queuing is almost non-existent and the mass of people at peak times is ridiculous. The spivs there to help....It is bad enough in normal times, but while a pandemic is still around....

So now I was free, for the rest of Saturday and Sunday to worry and consider the prospect of being unable to send the van (and the ridiculous amount of other stuff) home. Here is where I realised that this one problem took over everything. I heard that cafes and restaurants would be allowed to re-open on Monday and immediately thought of Ecorn. I should have been more happy. I wasn’t. I did decide I would go and have a chicken caesar sandwich after work on Monday.

Monday was a tough day. There quite a lot of end of year stuff at school, practical stuff, which I’m finding stressful. Then there’s this. The rule is ridiculous but it seems to be the rule! Then, some good news - someone offered to help me. I had called Ekaterina, the woman who deals with staff visas and registration. I thought that she would know about this stamp I needed or would be able to find out. She did not know about the stamp but said that she would go with me to the car centre to find out about it. I still had the papers. We went after my last lesson and when she was free. We went to the office of the ‘Saturday woman’. She wasn’t in the office but her colleague remembered me and said I could go to the main room. We went across and up to a free window. Ekaterina spoke to the police officer there. He immediately told us that no such stamp was needed and, had I brought the car, or even just the number plates, he could have done it there and then! We had gone in a taxi. I asked if there was time for me to go and get the plates then, but there was not. I resolved to go early the next day as he said it would take about 30 minutes. And suddenly the world was full of sunlight and joy again. I looked with pleasure upon my fellow Uzbeks, pushing to the front of queues and standing too close to each other.

We shared a taxi as Ekaterina lives quite close to the centre. I enjoyed (really enjoyed) my Ecorn sandwich. Life was good again. As an aside, these were my first taxi rides since The 22nd March. I saw Z—- JB so I’m sure KB is out there somewhere. Will I see it?

On Tuesday morning, as planned, I went back to the Gai. It opens at 8 so I was there at 7:30. The officer from the evening before was the first to arrive and had the key for the room (more of a hall, really). My first lesson of the day is at 9. School is a 15/20 minute taxi ride away away (I was going in to school to do some of the other jobs I have to do), so this would be a doddle. I was the only customer. I had the number plates and the documents and handed them over. The officer began the process. After about 20 minutes we went over to the cassa (the payment room. He took me. It was about £6. The woman there said I should go back to get my refund (I had given her my receipt from the other place). I agreed that I should but did not say I would not. A taxi there and back would be about £4! We returned to the main room. he continued the process. Time continued to move on. More customers began to arrive. Many went to my guy’s window and he flitted between my job and theirs. None of them could see the ‘maintain distance’ stickers on the floor. These were very obtrusive, written in Uzbek and Russian and invisible to local men. As time ticked on, it was clear I would be late for my first lesson. I sent my students an email. I waited. Eventually, my officer moved across the room, to a computer. This is it. he’s going to print my papers. After about another 20 minutes, I saw the ‘printing’ notification/animation appear on his Windows ME screen. And, five minutes later, he was handing me the paper work. It was done. My first lesson of the day was abandoned but I had what I needed.

One more observation here - no one in Tashkent will be getting coronavirus of the chin.

While I was feeling sorry for myself, over the weekend, I saw people collecting rubbish being moved on by the police. I have mentioned previously, that there are always people sorting through the rubbish bin. The mostly seem to be collecting plastic bottles but take anything of value. This group of four had huge bags of plastic and were near ‘my’ bins. I have no idea why four police men were moving them on. I wondered how many plastic bottles you would need to collect in a day to ‘make a living’. I also wondered what these people had done wrong, ‘stealing’ my rubbish. I also wondered why I had been feeling so sorry for myself trying to sort out my ‘huge problem’. Perspective. It had gone. It has returned but I did not know it could be so fleeting.

I did some lessons at school on Tuesday and began all of the sorting, packing and tidying tasks. Mafirat, my TA, was in too. The internet is not great at school! It was good tom see people, but I was not entirely comfortable.

On Thursday, working from home again, I decided to go for coffee out before work. While walking round I saw two kittens playing and stopped to say ‘hi’. One had jumped into a ditch but the other stopped and looked at me. It the looked back at its mother (I’m guessing but 99.9% sure). She came stalking round a bush. She was ready to attack me if necessary. It was not necessary.

The fire engine and disinfectant squad were also back. While I was out, they sprayed all the way up the stairs in my building, so I imagine they were going through all of the buildings.

Thursday was also the day I would take the van. I had loaded everything. I had stuck the paper transit number plate in the front window. I was ready to go. It is a short drive to Pim’s warehouse. Of course I was stopped by a police man. he wanted to know why I was driving without number plates. As soon as I showed him the paper plate stuck in the window, he was fine. At the warehouse, about six guys unpacked everything and re-packed it in their boxes. It was (is) a ridiculous amount of stuff. And so, I left Munisa with strangers, to travel alone on the journey we should have made together.

And if I did stop at Ecorn and have another caesar sandwich, that’s nobody’s business but mine.

There were children playing inside my building. This is the first time this has happened. I could hear three or four playing further up the stairs - laughing and running around. Later, while I was talking to Mairi and Fred, they were outside my door. They were having a good time. I don’t know why they were playing on the stairs and I don’t mind. It was nice to hear voices and laughter.

Also on Thursday, in my last lesson of the day, guided reading, two notable things happened. A high and low (you decide). In our morning English lesson, we had defined some vocabulary, including ‘bittersweet’. We had talked about the meaning, in terms of taste, of the two parts of the word. They said they were happy that they understood it. The guided reading was Kensuke’s Kingdom. I had not realised it was the last chapter. We were suddenly at the end. I can assure you there are no spoilers ahead. As I was reading, I suddenly found myself getting emotional. The two main characters were interacting and I felt that I was going to cry. In fact, I did. The events of the last two or three paragraphs got to me. They are relevant to my situation, I suppose. This has never happened to me before in a lesson. I always tear up at the end of Sister Act 2 (the cinema’s greatest achievement) but this is a new one. One of the students said “Oh Mr Ramsdale, don’t cry!” The postscript didn’t help, but I regained my composure.

We talked about the complex emotions of the ending. One of my brightest students only every joins in through the chat. I looked in the box and she had written one word. -‘bittersweet’. My work here is done.

I know it’s been a longer one, but there are a few loose ends and thoughts.

Returning to an old them, I heard ‘unite together’. I also heard ‘plateaued off’. Unnecessary, people. Perhaps I should have said ‘returning back to an old theme’.

I saw JB. Driving over to the centre, I saw E___JB. So they’ve been out for a little while. Appropriately, the driver got that plate from one of the centres I went to this week!

Let’s finish with Trump. I mean that in both senses of that sentence. This week he again asserted that testing causes cases of the virus, so testing is bad. He also said that if people stop calling others racists, racism will quickly go away. At what age do toddlers acquire the concept of object permanence? He’s not there yet. If we can’t see him, will he cease to exist?

And that’s it. What sort of week has it been? Bittersweet.

See you next time.

[smoochcal]

numb without you (part two)

a/n: this is part two (2/???) of numb without you!! please refer to part one to follow the timeline correctly. I really haven’t written something along the lines of this in a very long time, so I am very thankful for every single one of you that have read, liked and reblogged this series already. feel free to message me about any blurbs you want me to write or talk about on here :) with that being said please enjoy part two of numb without you

pairing: readerxluke (and calum lmao)

word count: 2.3k

summary: three months down the road from the night you spent with luke and calum at the club and you have to figure out what to do / movie night with luke

playlist: numb without you by the maine & intoxicated by the cab

rating: PG-13

warnings: swearing, mention of a hookup, mention of blood

----------------------

Y/N’s POV:

You inhale and exhale slowly, trying to focus on everything but what you are currently buying at the drug store around the corner from your place. This is the absolute last place you wanted to be. Nothing against the drug store, you have spent many late nights grabbing last minute snacks and groceries you had either forgotten at the store previously or things here and there that were more convenient to pick up there. You feel your cheeks get warm the minute you put your item on the counter. The elder woman checking you out gives you a look of disappointment that you try not to take to heart considering that she probably had kids at an age much younger than you are right now. You give her the money for the box and head back home to take the test.

As you sit on the floor of your bathroom with the door locked you sigh trying to remember exactly how you got here. It’s been about three months since your drunken hookup with Calum occurred and since then you have missed your period twice. This normally wouldn’t be a big deal, but you are always regular like down to the hour and you thought skipping one was abnormal let alone two. And if we’re being honest, you were scared shitless. You’re hardly 22, you can’t be a mom. You aren’t ready for that responsibility; you killed your last goldfish within the span of a week last year.

But maybe you don’t have to worry about this all just yet. The timer on your phone reads that you have a minute and a half left until you can check the pregnancy test that is resting on your bathroom counter next to the sink. Maybe you’re just under a lot of stress and that is what is causing your periods to be extremely late. I mean you have been under a lot of stress at your job. You have had about fifteen manuscripts sitting on your desk at work since the beginning of this week. You have been busting your ass to get them done in time, working late every day hoping that you wouldn’t have to take any of them home with you for the weekend so your edits can be done and on your boss’s desk bright and early Monday morning. It’s Thursday evening now and the thought of trying to get things done is sitting heavily on your shoulders. Just as your mind starts to drift off to other things the timer on your phone goes off indicating that it is time to check the test.

Positive.

You blink a couple times, quickly trying to keep the tears forming in the brim of your eyes away from your line of sight. You’re pregnant. You can’t even begin to comprehend the little lines staring back at you. There are two other tests in the box. You quickly unwrap them and go to take them both. This can’t be happening. It has to be a false positive. Those happen, right? What are you going to tell your mom? She already thinks it’s a bad idea for you to be living in a small apartment in the middle of LA by yourself. You can’t expect her to be overjoyed that you are going to have a baby out of wedlock. You set the timer on your phone again, which is a seemingly difficult task considering you are now shaking.

You wait the few minutes until both tests are ready. This wait seems longer than the last, fear boiling inside of you causing you to worry ten times more than you previously were. This can’t be happening. It was one night, one mistake.

The timer goes off for a second time and you slowly get up off your bathroom floor and check the other two tests.

Positive.

Positive.

Fuck.

What are you going to do?

-------------------------------------------

{three hours later}

Your phone rings. You hate yourself for picking “Intoxicated” by The Cab as your ringtone as you glance at the Caller ID. Quickly you wipe your tears and clear your throat and answer the phone.

“Hello?” you choke out, your emotions not doing the best job at hiding themselves in your tone.

“Y/N, what’s up? Why do you sound like you’ve been crying?” Luke asks concerningly.

“It’s nothing, don’t worry about it,” you respond quickly, hoping he would change the subject before more tears spill out.

“If you say so…anyway I was calling to ask if you wanted to have a movie night tonight, but if it’s a bad time I can let you go…” he replies tentatively.

“No no you can come over it’s fine,” you say hoping this conversation will end sooner than it started.

“Okay, I’ll be there in 10,” he says quickly before hanging up.

You sigh the second he hangs up. You don’t want anything to seem out of the ordinary, so you quickly compose yourself. A few deep breaths seem to do the trick for the time being. You grab the tests from your bathroom counter and throw them away in the trash can, putting some toilet paper in the bin to cover them up. As you finally exit the bathroom you take another deep breath, holding back the tears that are threatening to spill onto your cheeks purely because of the stress you are now under.

You tidy up your place as fast as you can, knowing Luke could knock on your door at any minute. You don’t worry about what movie you will watch or how he is going to try to pry this secret out of you, you only focus on the then and now in order to keep your composure. Just as you fold the last blanket and set it on top of the couch, you hear a knock on your front door. You know it is Luke by the way he knocks, softly 3 times, and you open the door without even looking at who is behind it. Luke smiles as soon as he lays his soft blue eyes on you. He follows you to the kitchen where you went to find some snacks to make when he picks you up and spins you around throwing you over his shoulder.

“Luke!” you exclaim, laughing ever so slightly, “put me downnnnn.”

“Fine, but only because you asked OH so nicely,” Luke responds sarcastically, rolling his eyes as he puts you down, plopping on the nearest chair as he watches you move about the kitchen.

You look through your cupboards and refrigerator and finally decide on making some nachos for the two of you to share. You grab the ingredients and all the things you know he likes on his nachos; I mean the two of you are best friends after all, and you throw your masterpiece into the microwave to heat up. Luke seems to have a careful eye on you particularly tonight and you can’t tell if it is due to the conversation the two of you had on the phone earlier or if it was because of something else. Maybe he has always looked at you this way, but now you are extra paranoid because of the new information you found out in the bathroom a few hours prior to his arrival.

When the nachos are ready you grab the plate and a couple of napkins and sit on the couch as Luke paws through your extensive movie collection. You swear he is taking his sweet time picking a movie when he finally decides on one of your favorite comedic dramas, Life as We Know It. He puts the DVD into the DVD player, grabs the remotes and finds a blanket before sitting next to you. He covers both of your legs with the blanket and presses play while grabbing a nacho from the plate in your hands. And if everything hadn’t crashed and burned earlier today, all would seem right in the world.

About an hour into the movie Luke asks you to pause it because he has to use the bathroom, you think nothing of it knowing he has a tiny bladder and a short attention span and normally can’t sit through a two hour movie without asking you to stop it at least one. You finish the last of the nachos and get up to put the dish in the sink and grab a water for you and your apparently already overhydrated friend. You and Luke both get back to the couch at the same time and you get settled back where you were. Just as you are about to press play on the remote, Luke looks at you quizzically, causing you to wonder what is on his mind.

“Well are you going to say something or are you just going to give me that dumbass look you wear so well?” you ask as he continues to stare at you.

Luke sighs before speaking, “I mean… do you want to tell me why I found this empty box of pregnancy tests on the floor next to the toilet?”

You look at him like a deer caught in headlights. How could you be so stupid as to leaving the box in the bathroom? What are you going to tell him, the truth? That you had sex with his best friend over three months ago and now you’re 99% positive that you are pregnant with said friend’s child? This is too much for just another movie night.

You begin to form the words you want to say when Luke goes on, “Not to mention the three positive pregnancy tests in your trash poorly hidden under some wadded-up toilet paper. I knew you were hiding something but this? This is a lot, Y/N. When did this happen? Why did this happen? Who’s the father? Does he know yet? Does your mom know yet? What are you going to do?”

“Well,” you start taking a deep breath knowing you don’t have a lot of the answers he’s looking for, “if you’re asking what’s up, apparently I’m pregnant which I only found out a few hours ago. I didn’t necessarily want to hide it from you, but I barely have an explanation for all of this myself let alone an explanation for someone else. I’m assuming this happened a few months ago. Fun fact I haven’t been bleeding like I’m supposed to, and I know you hate when I mention all that girlie stuff but it’s true. I was drunk when this hookup happened and you’re going to hate me even more when I tell you all the details. The father does not know yet and neither does my mother. Honestly you’re the only one besides myself that knows right now and I’m scared out of my fucking mind.”

Luke opens his mouth lie he is about to say something then closes it as he continues to think. You take this opportunity to just bite the bullet and tell him what really happened.

“Remember that night where we all went out to that club you like? Me, you, the guys, their girlfriends and the few strays they must have conjured up along the way? I really didn’t want to go out that night, but I owed you one, so I went. The club was not my scene at all. Too loud, too many people, not enough air circulating around the dancefloor. I stepped out to catch my breath and found Calum smoking outside. We got to talking, and you know how much he gets under my skin sometimes. This time was different though, it was more playful, which made it easier to have a real conversation with him. We talked and one thing led to another and I woke up the next morning with only his ratty drop-dead t-shirt on while sleeping in a unfamiliar yet familiar enough bed. And all I can say now is that I’m sorry. I’m really fucking sorry, Luke. I know he is one of your best friends and I’m one of your best friends. I wasn’t thinking and I lied to you saying I took an uber home and got there not even twenty minutes after stepping out of the club. God, I’m so sorry.” You burst into tears towards the last sentence you spoke, knowing this is the worst you have ever hurt him.

“How could you?” He softly asked as he slowly got up from the couch grabbing his wallet, phone and keys heading out of your apartment. You could tell how broken he was, finally comprehending the madness.

The minute he walked out of your apartment it was like a bomb just exploded in your own living room. The blanket only covering half of your body, the remotes sprawled out on the cushion where he was sitting just a moment ago. Your life is slowly falling apart right before your own two eyes and there is nothing you can do about it except cry. The tears flow and flow, creating a damp spot on the blanket below you. Your sobs echoing throughout the otherwise silent apartment. You want to call Luke; you want to call your best friend and ask him to come back just to hold you and tell you everything is okay. But you shouldn’t and you won’t. You have hurt him enough for today. Instead you allow the sobs to take over your body, feeling completely and utterly lost.

And just when you think you could not cry another tear, Intoxicated plays quietly from your phone perched on the other end of the couch. You grab it quickly praying that it was Luke calling to say he is outside your door waiting to come back in and be there for you. You check the caller ID and see that it is not who you expected it to be, not in the slightest. Your phone read one name that hurt so much you could hardly stand it.

Calum.

[escapedchickens]

The Soapiest Moment

A prompt I wrote for @gavimp and I thought it would be fun to add here since it relates to the light side of the AU. The above picture is from me, while the other is from her. This is also the last DBH related post of this blog, as future ones will be on the side blog @yorkshire-androids-au

The Soapiest Moment Ever

By Canuck

Today is Sunday, and it is Babs’ turn to wash the bathroom. Willard tidied up the washroom out of habit, but drops it when he sees Melisha walking by the Hallways with an AX 0017 model. He looks back at the washroom before fetching Babs from the living room. The android waits patiently at the living, eyeing her little knitting projects. Humming a positive tune and looking around in a flighty look before seeing Willard approaching her. “Morning Willard, did you and the Missus have a good breakfast?”

“That I did, Babs. Are you ready for today’s chores?”

“Oh, I am more than ready, Willard,” She says happily as she stuffs the knitting project in her apron and picks up a basket of cleaning supplies. “What area am I cleaning first?”

“You will do the East wing today; it comprises one of our Bathrooms, the guest room, the den and reading area. If you can start with the bathroom, that will be ideal. You think you can be alright cleaning it?”

“Of course, that is what I am programmed to do: sweep here, wipe there, just making sure the house is a home.”

Willard nods as he guides her to the washroom. The washroom is not too messy, as he tidied up a bit earlier today, but he cannot help but feel guilty for leaving it in a state. “Some places could have been better but a little help would do. Perhaps you would like some help as well?”

Babs bobs her head to the side and enters. “Oh no thank you, I am sure I can get it done soon. What is life without a little challenge? I will let you know if I need something.”

“Of course, I’ll let you to it.” Willard nods and continues on the rest of the East wing of the mansion. Out of habit, he picks up any bit of papers lying around and place them in a bag for recycling. Next, he goes to the broom closet and neatly set the vacuum at the corner of the den, and a broom and dustbin at the reading area. It should be enough to make cleaning a little easier. He more or less feel accomplished at his part of the task, as he feels more involved in his androids tasks than just doing nothing. He hears a high-pitched yelp from the bathroom and runs to the room. Here, he sees Babs’ frilly dress sticking out from the edge of the tub while her feet are kicking up in the air.

Willard leans over to grab Babs by the hand and pulls her to her feet. He feels a slight slip under the floor and grabs onto the counter. Babs looks down and up at Willard, already with an apologetic look.

“Oh, I am sorry, Willard,” says the android. “I thought I was done with the bathroom until I noticed the grimy ring around it. It would be wrong to leave it. I really tried to scrub, but the thing is just so stubborn. I may have used more soap and chemicals than intended.”

Willard shakes his head and pats her hand “No worries, love, you were simply doing your job. The bathtub can be hard to keep nice and polished. But don’t fret, I could barely see it, you did quite well in the bathroom.”

“You think so?”

“I know so, Babs,” Willard place some paper towels on the floor and guides the AX 0017 model to the hallway. He picks them up and place them in the trash. “There you go, all clean. Now, how about we go to the next room?”

“I like that.” Babs goes to the corner of the den starts the vacuum. Willard watches the bot cleans with ease, taking up all the little bits of specks to her vacuum in one setting and turns off to empty the filter into the trash bag. She places the filter back to the vacuum and sweeps off the remaining dust with a small brush. From the shelves, to the floor. She notices Willard chuckling and gets up with a smile, laughing along with him. “What is it, Willard?”

“It’s just, seeing the soapy floor all over reminded me of something I did with Jack and myself.”

“Oh, what thing?” She picks up the trash and recycling bin to the next room. “Did he get clumsy with cleaning too?”

Willard laughs and picks up one bin. “Not really, but a lot of cleaning was involved, I’ll tell you while you clean the next room.”

“Sure thing!” Babs replies in a chipper tone. She enters the reading area and sweeps the floor. Willard smiles and grabs a cloth the wipe the shelves. “Soap on the floor reminds me of a time Jack and I attempt to do this silly thing with bath bombs.”

“Bath bombs? Oh, those little ball thingies that dissolves and makes the bathtub all colourful?”

“Yes, yes, those things. When Jack was around, he and I were getting into those things and enjoy watching them dissolve whenever we have some bath time. It feels like watching art in the bathtub. We were so into them, that we had the bright idea to see what happens if we release them all at once.” “All at once?” Babs pauses and looks at Willard in confusion, tilting her head to her right. “Won’t it make the bathtub messier than a faint ring?”

“Yes, I know, I know, but we let fun got in the way of common sense. That is not the craziest part though….”

The date was, June 28, 2027

We have a big box of bath bombs around the bathroom, and being silly young lads, we thought it would be interesting to see what happens if we have them dissolve all at once?

We had the water running to fill in the tub while Jack strips off his shirt and playfully shows off himself into black trunks before getting into the tub. He sinks in, taking into the warm water of the bathtub, when he looks up to me and asks: “Are you getting in, Willard? The water is nice.”

“No thanks, Jack. Someone has to be the dry party.” I laughed, watching him relax at the tub. I was wearing some grey trunks and an old t-shirt to keep me warm as we cranked the AC up. Next to Jack was a box full of colourful bath bombs, letting off a strong scent that combines flowers and citrus fruit. The scent was overwhelming but a simple wipe of my nose should help with that. Jack was just smiling widely, waiting for the time to spill in the bathtub. He was way too happy for this experiment. I turned on the camera and pressed record.

“Afternoon world, and family. I am Jack Tweedy and this is my brother, Willard Tweedy holding the camera. Say hello, Willard.”

I turned the camera to the mirror so I can see myself waving hello to it. I turn back to see Jack sitting up and holding the box already.

“We are going to do a small test on what happens if we place hundreds upon hundreds of bath bombs all at once. Before that, I should let you know that we have taken precautions and prepared our tub. Why don’t you show everyone what we did?”

“We place lots of towels and bath mats around the tub, we made sure no wires were around and no holes.  The caulk is very secure so no worries about leaks and mold. And more towels in case it got out of hand.”

“That’s right, Willard, safety is first.” Jack sits up and rattles the first box over his head. “Are you ready, Willard?”

“More than ready!”

“Last call to get in with me.”

I pondered for a bit, wondering if I should. I want to get a good shot of our first experience with this. It sounds silly to overthink this, but we are less likely to do this again. I have the camera sitting on the counter where I know it won’t fall on to the possibly wet floor and gently get inside the tub. The water became lukewarm, but it was a good temperature for me to get in. Having him in the tub certainly helps. We both counted down to the three and watch him pour all the bath bombs in the water.

It went as well as it imagined. All the bath bombs diffused, and it became a colourful bomb in the water. It was pretty to see all the colours spread out like a mosaic, hear that satisfying hiss of the balls getting smaller and smaller. It was fun to watch… for a while. Before then, we noticed that the bathtub was starting to flood the bathroom. Watching the foamy colours spill over the tub went from beautiful to surreal real quick. We anticipated the washroom floor getting wet, so we have some towels on the floor to soak up the water. But we did not intend for the water to over soak the towels to the point where it looks like the whole area is soaked. Next thing we knew, we watched the carpets getting soaked with water and rainbow foam. We grabbed all the dish rags, towels, and paper rolls available to stop it from getting all over the halls. But alas, it was moot, and we found ourselves in a soapy situation. The whole carpet was just soaked, it was squishing underneath us. But that is not the crazy part.

We go downstairs and see tiny drips going to the living room. They may be tiny but we will not risk having those little holes get any bigger so we have to grab any available container and get cleaning. We wiped them out as fast as possible while the bath drains. It took only two hours, but it felt like it took all day. Nonetheless, we had a good workout getting the place dry and a laugh about it. As for the holes, I did not want to risk getting mold in between the cracks, so we called a professional to help us out. As long as we don’t overflow the bath again, it should be fine. After a two weeks of just showers, we can finally enjoy the tub as we did as lads: relaxing side by side and drinking ciders.

“Aah, so, you can take baths again after you got your floor and ceiling all fixed?” ask Babs, mindlessly knitting away at this whole story.

Willard giggles and feels the soft wool project from his maid. “I do, just not as much. Baths became more like Melisha’s thing. I do enjoy it, it is just not just the same without Jack. We just chill, talk, have cold ones. With Melisha, it is different. Even with wine at our hands, we just sit there and talk about our day like business partners, not a couple. But hey, we worked together to get you this nice farm, right?”

Babs pause her knitting and looks over. Her LED circles yellow and taps her needles against her shins before resuming her work and the LED going back to blue. “Yes, yes, it is. Some things improved but I can’t help shake it off that things can be… different. I like my role and this farm, it's just something about it I can’t think off.”

Willard eyes the android, suspecting of her deviating. He cannot really tell since Babs’ chipper attitude and work ethic is part of her program, but the little things about something not right with them seems off. Perhaps she did deviate but it is not as abrasive as how Ginger or Bunty did. Just how many of his androids deviated? Five, twenty, forty? Maybe more than that. He rubs the bridge of his brow as he hears his wife’s berating him at the idea of them scheming.

“They’re only tools that look like people. They don’t scheme, they don’t organize or form unions. They can’t do anything! All they did is work day in and day out with little to no complaint. Get it to your head, Willard!”

Willard shakes it off and pats Babs’ shoulder, “We’ll see what we can do. If anything, just feel free to let me know. I promise that will take it to consideration and see what we can do. How about you finish the last room and go downstairs, yes?”

“Yes, Willard,” Babs have the farmer lift her hand as she stands up and picks up her cleaning tools to the last room. “You know, those little moments makes the silver lining a little brighter. Like, how the light seems shinier behind a cloud, making it easier to see than if it is just one big sun? Because you can’t look at the sun. It will damage both a human and an android’s eyes. Funny how we keep finding little things that we have in common.”

“I think it’s funny in a cute sort of way. Nothing to brash, right?” Willard hears a text from his phone and looks at it. He sighs and puts it away after a quick text. “Will you be okay doing today’s work by yourself?”

“Yes, Willard.”

“Good, I have to meet with Melisha for a side project. You take care now, okay?”

“You bet, see you later, Willard.” Babs says, waving goodbye, watching Willard going downstairs and out the door. She continues of the last room with her cleaning supplies handy and watches the water turn into a colourful soapy texture, as it reminds her of the story.

[365daysofsasuhina]

[ 365 Days of SasuHina || Day Ninety-Eight: Cooking ] [ Uchiha Sasuke, Hyūga Hinata ] [ SasuHina ] [ Verse: Best Years of Your Life ] [ AO3 Link ]

Staring at his schedule, Sasuke feels an eye twitch.

He can’t believe it’s come to this…

It’s his senior year. One year from now, he’ll be heading off to university. He’s eighteen years old, a legal adult, and...for the next semester, every day, for his last period...he’s going to be in a Home Economics class.

He can already tell this is going to be hell. He has no interest in anything home ec. Cooking, sewing, family studies. This is useless to him!

But unfortunately...this is his only real option. All the other classes in that slot were either something he’d already taken, or something even more ridiculous. Making clothes and baking stuff might be bad, but he’d never be caught dead in the drama department. He is not an actor.

So, he chose the least of many evils. Not that it felt like much of a choice…

“Heyyy, Sasuke!”

Great. His day just went from bad to worse.

Latching onto his friend’s shoulders, Naruto tries to peek at his schedule. “Hey, hey! Do we have any shared classes?”

“I doubt it. Most of mine are honors. And you, Naruto, are not an honors student.”

The blond immediately pouts. “Hey, no need to be rude about it! And you said most, not all! What ones do you have that aren’t? Here, I’ll pull out my -”

“Trust me, they still won’t line up.”

“C’mon, just tell me! What other ones are you taking?”

“Nothing you’d be putting yourself through.”

“...what’s that supposed to mean?” In a deft move, Naruto manages to snatch the paper, ignoring Sasuke’s protests. “Yeah, yeah, yeah...ohhh, wait!” Turning around, a giddy smile slowly grows over his face. “What’s this I see in your last hour block…?”

“Look, I didn’t have any choice! You really think I’d willing subject myself to that?!”

“Aww, Sasuke’s gonna learn to be a housewife!” Naruto cackles, letting Sasuke snatch back the schedule. “That’s adorable!”

“One more word Naruto, and I’m gonna sock you in the gut.”

“M’just teasing ya, bastard! You know, I’ve heard that chicks really dig guys who have those house-making skills! Cooking, cleaning, the whole nine yards!”

“Because that’s totally why I’m taking it. Besides, if that’s true, then why don’t you take the class?”

“I can’t, I’ve got something required that hour.”

“Of course you do.”

“No, really!”

“Whatever, it doesn’t matter. I’ll just...take it, and get it over with.”

“Twenty bucks says you’re swimming in freshmen girls when you get there! They’ll be so jazzed to see a big, handsome senior guy taking the class with ‘em -”

“I’m warning you, Naruto…!”

Snickering, he gives the Uchiha’s shoulder a shove. “M’just messin’ with ya! Have fun with your housewife class!”

Glowering, Sasuke adjusts his backpack before striding after him. Oh, he’s going to pay for that.

But first...they have a school day to get through. Which normally would crawl by. But just because he’s dreading the last class, the rest all seem to fly until he’s standing outside the proper classroom

You can do this, Sasuke, just...bite the bullet and get it over with.

With a twist and a tug of the doorknob, he pulls it open.

It’s...actually far from what he expected. Along one wall is a long countertop speckled with sinks. Perpendicular to that, another strip of it, along with a fridge, and several ovens with stovetops. But most of the classroom is just...a classroom. Desks, and a few tables along one side. A couple of cabinets obviously hold supplies, and there’s bookcases stuffed with tomes on various subjects.

Also within the room is a small group of girls.

Not a single boy but himself.

How old-fashioned, he can’t help but think.

They seem to vary in age: a few of each year. But the only senior he recognizes is a girl he vaguely knows. She’s friends with Sakura, who never leaves him alone. And if he remembers right, this one happens to be smitten with his friend Naruto. Who, in turn, likes Sakura.

It’s all so stupidly convoluted.

At the head of the classroom is an old woman who looks like she was already teaching the class back when it was invented. As the bell rings, she instructs them all to sit down, giving a spiel about the class and what they’ll be covering.

“Today, we’ll have a little bit of a free day! Over on the second shelf are your books, and the top shelf is our basic cookbook. You can either give cooking something a shot, or try a basic sewing pattern.”

Immediately, Sasuke takes up the cookbook. Skimming through it, he tries to find something simple.

“Chefs, do try to pair up so we have enough supplies and ovens! And remember: wash your hands!”

Sighing to himself, Sasuke actually jumps a bit as someone comes up beside him. “Need a partner?”

A glance shows Hinata. She’s already tied her hair up in a bun, donning an apron.

“Oh...er, yeah. I guess so.”

“Anything in particular you wanted to try?”

“Not really...to be honest, I’m only here because I have to be.”

To his surprise, she just smiles at him. “That’s okay. It’s n-never a bad thing to pick up some new skills, right?”

“...right.”

“I’ll stick with you - I think the other girls are a little intimidated, anyway.”

Hearing Hinata giggle into her sleeve, Sasuke glances over to the others. As she predicts, they all give him a wary glance in return.

“What, do they think I’m here to prey on them?”

“I don’t know, but just...stick to your task. You’ll be fine.”

Grumbling a bit to himself, he looks his options over. “How about this?”

Peering over into the book, Hinata nods. “Sure! Nothing beats a classic brownie, ne?”

“I dunno, never been much into sweets.”

There’s a pause as she looks at him as though he’s grown a second head. “...really?”

“Nah. That’s more my brother’s thing.”

“Oh...well, I guess we can just share them with the rest of the class. Here, start gathering these ingredients...”

With Hinata’s guidance, they soon have all they need. She walks him through each step, actually quite encouraging and pretty knowledgeable.

“How come you’re taking this class? Seem you know all this already.”

“In all honesty, I’m like you: just here to be here. But I really do like stuff like this. I love to bake, and knit. They’re favorite hobbies of mine.”

Mixing batter, Sasuke doesn’t reply.

“Okay, so now just pour it into the pan, and we’ll put it in to b-bake!”

Being careful not to spill or dribble along the side of the pan, Sasuke does as asked before gingerly putting it into the heated oven. “So...half an hour?”

Setting the timer, Hinata nods. “Mhm! Just about when class ends.”

“...is that bad?”

“No, I can stay after and make sure things are cleaned up and put away.”

Sasuke’s brow furrows. “...so can I.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah.” It was his idea, after all. He’s not about to skimp on his part of the work.

“Okay! Well...I guess in the meantime, we might as well s-start now, right?”

“Sure.”

They quickly tidy up the dishes, wiping down the counter and then just...sitting and waiting for the buzzer.

“Next time we’ll have to find something to make you’ll enjoy too! I still can’t believe you don’t like sweets.”

“They’re okay. I just don’t really seem them out. I’d rather have something salty or savory.”

Hinata hums. “I have a major sweet tooth…”

“Well, you can take them home, then.”

“Oh no, I’ll be tempted to eat them all!”

That earns a snort. “All right, fine: I’ll take some for my brother.” Itachi tends to visit a few nights a week from university. He’ll surely appreciate them.

A few minutes later, the timer goes off, and Sasuke carefully removes the pan. Only a few seconds after that, the bell sounds, and the rest of the class flees for the day.

“Here, let’s put them on a rack - you never want to c-cut them when they’re warm! They’ll just fall apart.”

They do a bit more tidying as the brownies cool before Hinata takes some cardboard storage boxes out of a cupboard and divvies them up. “Okay...I’ll take a few. You can give the rest to your family, okay?”

“Yeah, sure.”

“Want to try one before we head out?”

“Uh…” Eyeing the box suspiciously, Sasuke takes out a smaller piece, hesitating a moment before taking a bite.

Huh...not bad.

“It’s good.”

“Good! And things are even better when you get to be proud you made them yourself!” Hinata beams, nibbling one of her own.

Sasuke can’t help a small smile. She reminds him of his mom in some ways.

“...oh gosh, I gotta get going to volleyball practice! I’ll have to just keep these in my locker - see you tomorrow, Sasuke!” Just like that, Hinata scoops up her things and zooms from the room.

...well then.

Blinking, he takes up his own box, having no sports or clubs to worry about, and instead heads out to his car. Maybe if he hurries, they’ll still be warm when he gets home. He can already hear his mother’s gushing about him finally making something on his own. Well...he did have help. But not Mikoto’s.

...maybe they can make something else tomorrow.

     Not much to this one! Just a lil bit of modern slice of life with poor Sasuke getting shoved into a home ec class. Which honestly I think is good for him x3 And gives him some time with Hinata - even better!      On that note though, I gotta run - it's late and my eyeballs aren't happy, haha! Thanks for reading!

[echelonlab-blog]

Comfort Food

submitted by @lolainblue

   T/W: Describes a depressive episode. If this is going to be upsetting to you please skip this piece.

    Rylie comes into the kitchen and sets the bags of takeout down on the counter. She knows there is too much of it, there’s probably more than enough here to feed a half a dozen people not just the two of them, but she doesn’t know what might tempt him to actually eat today and so she has covered her bases. Before spreading out today’s provisions she first opens the refrigerator, gathering up the uneaten repasts from several days back. She tosses the carcasses of old clamshell packaging and their questionable contents in the trash container, noting with a wrinkle of her nose that she needs to take that out when she leaves. She tosses away the rest of the refuse she sees laying about, and then gathers a clean washcloth from the drawer by the sink and prepares a basin full of hot, soapy water, which she uses to wash down the counters and clean the few glasses left sitting out. Once the kitchen is put to rights and smelling like a tropical breeze, she finally opens the bags she has brought, setting out the food in what she hopes is an appealing manner.     “Shannon,” she calls out in the quiet house, but she doesn’t expect an answer. She calls his name one more time when she has finished and then heads back to his bedroom, where she is almost certain he is.      She finds him on his bed, in almost the same position he was in when she left him last night. She takes a deep breath and swallows, counting to ten, determined to keep the quiver out of her voice that she feels on seeing him like this. “Hey Shannon, I brought dinner again.”      She doesn’t ask how he is, she knows the answer. It’s the same one it’s been for days now, although she hopes for something better every evening she shows up at his door.      “Ry… I don’t think….” Shannon mumbles, his face still buried in the rumpled blankets.      Rylie swallows again and grits her teeth in determination. Shannon is in the same sweats and t-shirt he has been in for four days now and she can smell him from where she stands in the doorway. Enough is enough. She knows he can’t sort it for himself so it’s up to her to help get him moving.      She walks past him without another word, directly to the en-suite bathroom where she turns on the shower. She gathers everything he’ll need and lays it out where he can easily reach it and then marches back to the bed.     “All right, Up you go. You smell like a hobo and you’re ruining my appetite now too. And I picked up dinner from El Coyote so you’re not going to spoil that for me. You know it’s my favorite.”     Shannon groans and rolls over, pulling the blankets over his eyes. Rylie quickly snatches them away from him and begins stripping the bed around him.      “These sheets have got to go too. Trust me, you’ll feel much better once you’ve showered and have fresh sheets.” When he doesn’t move she stops, her voice softer as she brushes her fingers through his haphazard mop of hair. “Come on, Shan. It’s Friday. I can even stay tonight if you’d like. But I’m not going to curl up back here with you if you don’t wash up and put some fresh blankets down.”     This seems to give him enough push that he sits up and puts his feet on the floor. Rylie goes back to stripping the bed, pulling pillowcases loose as she watches Shannon stretch one muscular arm after the other, rotating his head from side to side as his muscles adjust, before finally getting up and padding across the floor and into the bathroom. She is pulling out fresh linens for the bed when she hears a plaintive cry from en-suite.     “Ry….”     She immediately drops the sheets and goes to him, finding Shannon in his boxers, standing in front of the toiletries and change of clothes she has laid out for him, a look of confusion on his face. She wants to cry, this is a particularly bad day for him and her heart hurts for what he must be going through, but instead, she gently wraps her arms around him and rests her head on his shoulder. It takes him a minute, but eventually, she feels his arms wrap around her too, and she holds him like that until she feels him start to relax.      “I know it feels overwhelming,“ she tells him in what she hopes is her most calm and reassuring voice. "Just break the tasks down, one thing at a time. All you have to do right now is take your boxers off and get in the shower”     “I’m sorry, Ry. I don’t mean to be so much trouble. You don’t have to do this you know…”      She sees that his eyes, already red-rimmed and swollen from what must have been an earlier crying jag, are growing moist with another threatening storm. She is determined to head it off. “All right, none of that. You know I don’t mind. I’m here for you whatever the reason. You’re just sick. Just like anyone who has the flu or a cold. You’d like me to come take care of you and feed you chicken soup if you had a cold right?”     “And maybe give me a sponge bath?” Shannon jokes, almost cracking a smile.      The little bit of hope that glimmer of normal Shannon gives her refuels her determination. “I think you’re too far gone for a sponge bath, mister. Now strip and get under that hot water.”     He does as she requests, not shy about disrobing in front of her. Shannon has never been shy, and it’s not anything she hasn’t seen before. They were more than friends once, although it seems like that was several lifetimes ago. She misses it more than she lets on, but she’s happy to carry that torch for him. Whether or not anything ever changes between them she knows she is more special to him than he admits as well. It’s an equilibrium that only they understand.      She stays long enough to make sure that he’s finding his way now, lathered up with body wash and sighing under the hot steam, before she returns to making the bed. Once it is made she begins straightening up the bedroom, throwing away tissues and wrappers, straightening pill bottles and gathering dirty cups, until she hears the shower cut off. She waits patiently to make sure he gets dressed without any further hiccups. He finally appears in front of her, in a fresh t-shirt and sweats with a pair of fuzzy spotted socks on his feet. He is damp and his hair is ruffled and something in her heart tugs affectionately just a bit.     "You’ve been taking your meds, right?” she asks as she waves a half-full bottle at him.     Shannon grumbles and takes the bottle from her, opening it up and popping a single pill in his mouth and dry swallowing it. “When I remember,” he confesses.      “You need to hydrate too. Take those things with water.“ She takes the bottle back and returns it to its spot on the nightstand. "Come on, there’s food in the kitchen,” she urges.     “I’m not hungry,” he tells her, letting himself fall forward onto the freshly made bed. He grabs and pillow and pulls it underneath him, tucking his knees up and rolling to the side.      Rylie snatches the pillow away from him. “Well, I am. And you’re not going to make me eat by myself so you’re going to march into that kitchen and sit down next to me while I tell you about my day. And if you’re very good and maybe eat a flauta we can come back in here and curl up in the bed and watch some movies together.”      Shannon grumbles but follows her into the kitchen. He looks over the spread she has laid out for him while she pulls out plates. “Jesus, Ry. This is too much food. I haven’t even eaten the stuff you brought yesterday.”     “Or the day before or the day before that,” she adds. “But sooner or later something will sound good to you and I want there to be food in the house for you when that happens.”     He doesn’t say anything else, just watches as she makes herself a plate and then stubbornly puts some food on his too. He gets a bottle of water from the refrigerator and drinks that while he watches her eat and chatter on, her voice filling the otherwise silent house. She makes him feel less alone in the world. She is an anchor for him, and he needs her more than he thinks she knows.     Eventually, Shannon picks up his fork and starts picking at the food, and before he realizes what has happened he’s finished a tamale and some rice. He can see that Rylie is trying not to make a big deal of it, taking his half-empty plate with what he imagines she thinks is a casual shrug but he can see the big smile that is spreading across her face. He manages to pull his wits about him for a time and helps her with the cleanup, He adds the leftovers to the burgeoning pile in the refrigerator, it’s generous interior nearly bursting at the seams with her meals. He closes the refrigerator door but stands unmoving in front of the appliance, his wavy reflection looking back at him from the stainless steel surface. The evidence of her care is there, in his still damp hair that smells of shampoo, the tidy room with a freshly made bed waiting for him, the persistent meals spilling over on their chilled shelves. The way she never scolds him but always encourages him, the way she is there when he is on top of the world and when he is an absolute mess. The way he looks forward to her laugh, and the way his world seems a little less colorful when it is absent.      “I love you, Rylie,” he says simply.     She hugs him tightly, both of them savoring the feel of each other. “I love you too, Shannon.‘      He means more than that, he is almost positive, but he knows now is not the time. “Are you going to make me some popcorn to have with these movies, or are we just going to sit around and watch them like animals?” he asks.     Rylie laughs. “I’ll make you all the popcorn you’ll eat Shanbear,” she tells him, using a nickname he hasn’t heard in ages.     He pulls the large bowl he uses for popcorn out of the cabinet and feels the first real smile he has had in weeks stretch his cheeks. He’ll tell her tomorrow, he thinks. It’s good to have something to look forward to.

[earthenfay]

The Year I Became so Productive I Wasn’t Productive at All.

How often do you recall reflecting on your day, thinking “Wow, I was busy all day. I feel so productive. But boy, am I tired!” (“And I happened to avoid the one/two/three things I was REALLY supposed to accomplish, like my taxes or that important project..oops.”)

2018 was that year for me. No, it’s not over, but why not reflect on my habits now rather than December 31st? Why not shift the end of this year as if the dates on the calendar don’t matter. Well, that is because in this situation they don’t matter. Why save resolutions until January 1st? 

Anyways, I was driving to one of my photography appointments the other day and I was listening to a podcast from The Minimalists (these guys). There was a specific thought that stood out to me, the issue of being “busy” is not the same as “productive”. 

Let’s put this into context.

Almost every single day this year, or at least between February and now, I have felt really busy. Luckily I no longer call it productive, as to not fool myself into thinking so. I have been so proud of myself for all my efforts. I wake up at 6 or 7am, start dishes and coffee right away. Make breakfast. Tidy as I go. Wipe the kitchen down. Remember that email I was supposed to reply to last night. Put my toddler in his chair with his food. Write down some work appointments I had forgotten to put into my calendar. Book a few more. Remember my toddler needs his face washed, put him down. Finish the dishes I had forgotten about. Move rooms and clean the foyer & living room until lunch. Try to squeeze in vacuuming. Go back and see if people had emailed me back, find more dishes in the living room. Do dishes. Tidy the shoes. The fridge. Do the grocery list. 

The list goes on and on until it’s 8pm and my feet hurt from running around all day. Curse myself for forgetting to feed the dogs dinner. Try to squeeze in more laundry and sweeping and mopping and the vacuuming I really wanted to do but didn’t have the time for. Oops, it’s 10pm and my two year old is tugging on my pants, “Mama, go for nap!”

My life felt out of control. But I was being productive, right? It wasn’t me, it was my crazy life! I was doing the best I could!

Fast forward to August 2018. Jamie and I had been fighting more, and neither of us could remember the last time we went on a date or had sex. My toddler became ecstatic when daddy came home from work and I was hurt he wasn’t as excited about me ever coming home from anything. I thought the fighting was about me not doing enough, not contributing. Some days I would be so busy that Jamie would come home and I’d completely forgot about dinner (or feeding myself the entire day), laundry piled up on the couch to fold; “I’ve just been so BUSY!” I’d say. And he would become exasperated “What did you DO the entire day?!” and I would feel like I’m not the supermom or superwife I wanted to be.  

I wanted to prove to myself I could be even better so we wouldn’t fight.

I got another job. I started University.

It’s ironic, though. This job should have made my life more busy. But this job allowed me to drive around every workday and listen to podcasts. I had that quiet time to reflect, and I realized a few things. What the problem was. And how to ease it.

The problem: I was too busy doing whatever I saw needed done. No planning, no rhythm. This is why I would do dishes three times a day or the laundry would get washed and never folded. Nothing was really done. Just started and left there. Jamie and I fought about me not giving him or my toddler enough attention, because I was so “busy”. But when I took time from being “busy” I felt I had lost time during the day and was behind. I was stressed. 

The things I did to alleviate that “I’m to busy and I am going to fall down and drown!” feeling: 

1. I MINIMIZED our possessions. No, we don’t live with nothing in our home. But less stuff means less to clean. We have 5 plates in our kitchen. 5 glasses. ONE set of cutlery (not 3 random sets mixed together). An intentional amount of toys for my son, not a mass to clean every day. We have 4 pens in the entire house! And they go in ONE pen holder cup! Talk about “putting things away!” when they actually have one place to go. Pens run out? Buy another, or ask a friend if you can split purchasing a pack so it’s cheaper and you don’t get 6 pens, you get 3. No clutter. Less brain clutter comes with the territory.

2. I made a list. I am a lover of lists. List on the fridge for groceries. List in the office for daily tasks. List in the pantry for food stocked. It’s glorious. We recently acquired a chest freezer for those school year/winter meals. I have a list ready for that too, so we know what is going on. Less time is spent rummaging through your own stuff, and less time thinking “What am I supposed to do today?”

3. I keep a calendar/planner. Now this goes along with #2. I LOVE my planner. I currently use a 2018 planner from ban.do and adore it. Every morning I get a coffee, set the bub up with breakfast in the office with me, and my planner is one of the only items I keep intentionally on my desk and open to the calendar page. I make it a goal to NOT jump into housework immediately, which seems counterproductive but taking those 15-20 minutes in the morning to relax and look over your day is actually the best first step. I’ve missed doctor/dentist/you-name-it appointments because I got lost in housework!! Take a moment, take a deep breathe. Eat some breakfast and NOT while you are on your feet and on the go! Eating your breakfast sitting down and while it’s warm, looking over your day, will make a world of difference. Plus I noticed my toddler looks forward to sitting with me because we are very chit-chatty in the morning. :) 

4. I learned to say NO. I have been really bad for this in the summer. Overbooking myself or just leaving myself no time for error or gaps in between appointments and work and coffee dates and just ME time. I’ve had to cancel more times than a good friend should and it really affected my relationships with my friends and family. I needed to learn to calm down and leave some gaps in my schedule, or else I would always feel rushed and stressed. I finally have gotten to a place where I can say, “No, Monday I have school and an appointment after, can we have coffee Thursday when I have nothing going on?” I used to try to put coffee before or after those obligations I already had and it would stack up, fast. I would end up burnt out or have to reschedule because I’m running late. Just say no if it doesn’t work (and be honest with yourself)!

5. Finally, I realized (and this is another from The Minimalists podcast I believe) that if everything is a priority, nothing is a priority. I learned that taking time out of my day to play with my toddler instead of doing those 5 dishes or wiping the fridge out is important sometimes. I prioritized. My son became more excited to see me because he knew that I was going to interact with his world a lot more, and I learned when to put the rag/broom/mop/mouse/phone down and just say “I’ll get to this later. I’m going to take a break”. Jamie appreciates it too, I hadn’t realized how much I was prioritizing keeping myself busy with my two jobs/the house/my school. And that’s not to say those things aren’t important, I just didn’t understand how to balance those different areas of my life and prioritizing helped (making a list to clarify priorities is amazing as well!). 

The interesting thing is I have more going on in my life than I have in many years. But it’s something to note that I feel more in control and at peace with daily life more than I have in a very long time. 

Here is to a productive few last months of 2018. 

xoxo

Rosie

[delos-mio]

Cracking The Code- A Griff Series - Part 1

A/N: Here’s part 1! Let me know your thoughts and whathave you! Love you all bunches and bunches!

It’s always nice to make a good first impression. Unfortunately for you, those seemed to be few and far between. If you weren’t pissing off people immediately upon opening your mouth, you were laughably late- much like today. The heels on your boots clipped against the tiled hallway as you rushed to the meeting place you had only learned about 20 minutes ago. Mix that with traffic and the inability to function without stopping for coffee, there was no way you’d be appearing on time.

You pushed the door open as quietly as you could, but the loud metal scrape gave you away instantly. “Shit. Well, there goes that,” you muttered under your breath as four sets of eyes darted to you.

“How nice of you to show up,” Doc quipped, folding his hands behind his back. You slowly walked over to an open stool next to a broad shouldered man covered in tattoos. Everyone had looked away from you at this point besides him. “Team, this is Cat. Cat, this is Buddy, Darling, Baby, and Griff.”

Darling was planted firmly in Buddy’s lap, her delicate fingers toying with the long pieces of his hair. A very young man, who you assumed was aptly named Baby, was sitting at the far end of the table, shades on and earbuds in. That must mean that man who was still staring at you must be Griff. His dark eyes poured over your body, his sharp jaw setting as he very clearly undressed you in his head. You flipped your hair over your shoulder, rolling your eyes and turning to Doc.

“They always like this?” You asked, vaguely gesturing towards the entwined couple. Griff let out a loud laugh.

“I knew I liked you. Where’d you find her, Doc?” He went to run a finger through your hair, which you quickly slapped back before the tip could even graze a strand.

“Don’t ever fucking touch me. Got it?” You bit back. Griff raised his hands in submission, a wide grin painted on his face.

“Whatever you say, ma’am.” Maybe you made a good impression on at least one person. He was handsome, you’d give him that much. Covered in tattoos, a cropped beard, and a strong jaw- Griff was the prototype of all the boys who’d ever gotten you into trouble before. But you were here for a payday and nothing more; no distractions this time. It was a miracle you even convinced Doc to give you another job, so you had to stay one hundred percent focused.

Doc went on about the details of the job, Darling and Buddy casually listening between playing grab-ass. Griff loudly smacked on his gum, occasionally blowing and popping a bubble. You found yourself fixated on his lips, watching as they sucked the gum back into his mouth. No! Bad girl! What did you just get through telling yourself. You folded your arms against your chest and tried with all your might to focus on Doc and the plan.

“…And that’s where you come in, Cat. We’ll need you to take down the cameras at exactly 8:17 am. Not one minute after,” he stated pointedly, raising an eyebrow.

“Consider it done,” you nodded.

“Excellent. Get a good night’s sleep and be here at 8. Don’t make me wait,” he concluded and stepped away from the table. Buddy and Darling stood up, still practically attached at the mouth, and made their way toward the exit. Baby followed close behind, moving his head along with whatever was coursing through his earbuds. You picked up your large leather purse and began to clip for the door. You felt another body behind you and you knew immediately who it was. There was no way you were going to turn around and give him the satisfaction of acknowledging him. Instead, you got into the elevator and leaned against the back wall, never taking your eyes off the panel in front of you. Griff got in and leaned next to you, also looking straight forward. The heavy metal doors snapped shut and started moving you down the building.

“You really gonna make me work for it, huh?” he asked, still smacking on his gum.

“Not sure what ‘it’ you’re referring to, but yeah, suppose so,” you shrugged. He chuckled next to you, finally breaking first and turning to you.

“It’s a real early morning tomorrow. We should probably have a sleepover…you know, make sure we get here on time,” he suggested, giving you a very convincing puppy dog face. For a moment, when you looked back at him, it nearly worked. That was, until you remembered the promise you made yourself and shook your head at him.

“Nice try, but I don’t think so. Besides, aren’t you not supposed to mix business and pleasure or however the fuck that saying goes?” you smiled, not noticing you’d leaned in closer to him. He smelled like cigarettes and amber and it was overwhelming your senses. Being this close made it nearly impossible to stick to your guns.

“So you admit there’d be pleasure?” he asked, coming around the front of you and placing his palm against the wall behind your head, letting his frame tower over yours.

“You miss my point.” You bit down on your bottom lip, willing yourself to behave.

“No, I understood. I just don’t care,” he grinned. “C’mon sugar, it’ll be fun.”

“I have a lot of coding to do before morning and you’ll just distract me,” you said firmly.

“I will sit and watch you work and be on my best behavior,” he said, reaching out with his other hand to try and touch your hair again.

“Thought I told you not to touch me,” you smiled. He moved his hand back and raised an eyebrow. “Fine. But my house and you watch me work. And sleep on the couch.”

“Deal.” His face was dangerously close to yours, so you were thankful at the ding of the elevator doors parting. Griff stood up straight and gestured for you to exit ahead of him. You could feel his eyes on your ass as you walked to your cars. You walked up to your door and called back to Griff.

“You can follow me. It’s not far from here.” You smiled and ducked into the driver’s seat, not waiting for him to respond.

----

Griff had pulled in just seconds behind you. He was quiet as you climbed the stairs to your apartment; he was still conveniently walking behind you. You unlocked your front door and invited him in. The space you kept was very tidy and simple art hung on the walls. Griff kicked off his boots and softly padded around the perimeter of your living room, taking in every detail. You dipped into your bedroom, quickly changing into yoga shorts and a loose tank before going out to the kitchen.

“What, you casing the place?” you asked from the fridge, pulling out a bottle of Riesling. You heard Griff laugh from the other room.

“What makes you think I’d rob you, sweetheart?” he asked, taking a seat on the couch and perching his feet on the coffee table. You walked back to him and sat down with two glasses and the bottle. His eyes were fixed on your legs as you approached, something you noticed immediately.

“Probably the fact that it’s kind of what you get paid to do,” you smirked, filling each glass and passing one to Griff. You raised your glass lightly, “To a successful job tomorrow.”

“I’ll cheers to that.” He clinked his glass against yours before lifting it to his full lips. Once again, you found yourself mesmerized by his mouth and had to shake yourself out of it. You set your glass down and pulled your laptop off the table and into your lap. You also handed Griff a remote and powered up your computer.

“Watch whatever you want, make yourself comfortable,” you instructed and tucked your legs under you, perching your laptop on the bend in your knee. Griff looked noticeably confused, his brow furrowed as he looked down at the remote you had put in his hand. “Pressing power turns the TV on,” you sassed, pointing at the screen in front of you.

“Smart ass,” he scoffed, smiling a little. “But I thought we could maybe get to know each other. You know…” he began, but you were quick to cut him off.

“No. You agreed to watching me work. So here I am, working. You can do whatever you’d like,” you scolded, “but I will be making sure your ass doesn’t get caught tomorrow.” You turned again to the small screen in your lap, clicking open the programs you needed. Griff sunk down on the couch next to you, clearly pouting. He clicked on the TV and settled on the Falcons game.

It wasn’t long before he was tired of listening to the harmony of the sound of your typing and the clash of football players. You were clicking away when you felt the weight of his head on your arm. Griff was looking up at you with his big, brown eyes, silently pleading with you to entertain him. You kept your eyes on the task at hand.

“Can I help you?”

“Whatcha doin?” he asked playfully. A smile broke on your face. Sure, he was forward and annoying, but damn if he wasn’t charming. And handsome. No, you still had work to do.

“Well, right now I’m granting myself access to the bank’s security system and disguising myself as personnel,” you replied sweetly as he looked at your screen.

“Man, I don’t know how you make any sense of that. Just looks like a bunch of numbers and dashes and slashes,” he mused, scooching the rest of his body closer to yours.

“I mean, it is just a bunch of letters and numbers and symbols, really. But see, like this section here--“ you pointed to a chunk of code toward the lower right portion of your screen, “this tells me who all is authorized to use this software. And this bit over here--“ you pointed to another section just above it, “tells me that there are only 8 cameras online at the branch at any given time.” Griff listened intently as you gave him a crash course in hacking. There was something really endearing about him watching as you wrote code. Mostly, he was quiet while you worked. He just watched your fingers dart across the keys and the way your tongue peeked out of the corner of your mouth when you were working on a particularly tough string of code. Occasionally, he’d ask a question about what you were doing when the screen would change. You’d smile and give him an answer and he’d go back to laying on your arm, eyes fixed on the screen.

After a while, Griff noticed your fingers slowing down. He tilted his head up to see what expression you had; perhaps you had encountered a tricky spot. But instead, your eyes were closed, lips parted just slightly. You had fallen asleep in front of the computer like so many nights before. Griff smiled to himself and closed the top of your laptop. He gently placed it back on the table before scooping you up into his arms. With ease, he carried you down the hallway to your bedroom and laid you down, tucking you into your covers. As per the deal made, he retreated to the living room and camped out on the couch, letting his thoughts about the girl he just met carry him to sleep.

Tag: @pathetically-inlove

[ooithehuman]

Tidying up my thought.

So today is the first day of my semester, a new beginning, a new set of challenge, a new style of learning which is online learning and a new way of life life I should be adjust to.

So the first thought I need to clean up is, my Final Year Project. I made it to third year, congratulate your self first Syauqi 🥳. If it wasn’t for covid I might have to resit the Exam again in August. So the title for my FYP is “ Terahertz (THz) photonic modelling for analysing QCL waveguiding and opto-THz nonlinear phase matching “. Not gonna lie, the title seems really hard, not what I had intended to get for my fyp. This is more research-base type of project, I was targeting more less like a programming or design sort of project. Ohh well.... I choose to come here, might as well do the most unreasonable and the most unthinkable project. Might break me at some point but what the heck..., trying something new is always good right? Even if I fail, atleast I fail with pride and I tried, gonna give it my best. It’s hard but I already do some reading into it, kinda related to my first Diploma proposal which is “Free Space Optical Communication”. Somewhat relatable, so it’s not that entirely new for me, kinda get the basic of Optical communication. Maybe this is what best for me when I think about it, I did dream of opening my own Internet Service Provider (ISP) back in Malaysia 😂, maybe I can come up with new technique of modulation, who knows right?

So what next? Ahh yes.... second thought that needed to be lay down, something about “being sincere”. So for the last 23 years I’ve been living, have met a lot sort of people around me, various background, personality, social standing, value and other stuff I don’t know how to put it into words. Sincere or in other word “being nice”, some people are really sincere regardless to whom they may met and some people, like me tend to being sincere at selected people. To me, being sincere should be to whomever you met regardless of who they are, for the last 2 years till now I’m still trying to be nice to everyone, but sorta fail. Still not able to be nice to everyone in a sincere way, I mean, I do treat people nicely, but sometimes I felt fake. Is not the genuine type of sincere I wanted to show, more like “being nice just because I have to”, this really made me feel fake and just out right wrong. I wanted to become more of a genuine person. Somone who is nice because he is “nice”. So yeah... I’m still working on that. Ohh yeah not to forget some people only need you for a momentarily, this sort of people is the most worst and bitch of’em all, sorry to say but kinda piss the shit out of me. When theres no one to be friend with, they search for you just because you’re friendly, when they met with others, they forget about you right away. Asshole in disguise. Sorry for the language. 

Third thought, this will be contradicting to my first thought which is “trying too hard to achieve something that only will cost you more work”. I get it, by studying hard and all, it will give you a good result and probably landed you your drean job. Something we all wanted to achieve as a student right? but for me I kinda don’t quite know anymore what I really want in life, don’t get me wrong, I’m not giving up my degree 😂. It’s just that, if I bust my arse off right now, trying the best I could, landed my self a dream job, but at the end of the day if I don’t enjoy it, whats the point of me trying my best? Yes dream job means you’re doing something you enjoy, but even though you’re doing something you enjoy, if it’s too much, it’s going to become a burden at one point. I guess I’m just kinda scared and not that confident to enter adulthood just yet. Things that keep bothering me is fixed working hour 9-5, 5 days a week, sitting in cubicle office, doing same task everyday. The problem with me is, I can’t stand doing the same thing everyday, I can’t stick to routine work. There is this urge for me to keep explore and do something new everyday or maybe I’m just way way too lazy... hmmmm might be just that, I’m stupidly lazy😐. Then again, I might complain now, but usually at the end of the day I just come to accept it as it is, same goes with my internship days back in diploma. Hate the job I was given, too mundane, same task everyday, no need to use brain at all, braindead i was... But I think... I still wanted to do things I love and seek my dream job. Pray for me so that I landed a work in the UK, have a decent paying job and doing the thing I love. Dah kena simpan duit untuk kahwin dah ni 🤭.

Wanted to write more, but I’m out of thoughts that bothers me for the time being, maybe I write some more later in the future. So yeah... this pretty much it I wanted to lay down for the time being before I really do start my class tomorow (Tuesday). If you’re reading this Izzati, I’m just expressing myself, nothing to be worried about. Just wanted to clear my mind before the storm that yet to befall me. 

Keep Moving Forward. 

[fucklawschool]

Habitica ideas for students

I’ve been using Habitica for a while now and I love it. The reason I love it so much is that I can use it to track pretty much everything, even apart from the normal productivity stuff, if I’m a little creative. 

As for setting all of this up, I highly recommend doing that on desktop. The mobile app is great for on the go but I wouldn’t recommend it for putting an entire new system in place (maybe that’s just me, though).

So here are some maybe a little more unconventional ideas for Habitica usage: 

HABITS

My habits are mostly positive with few exceptions because it’s much easier to reward yourself for doing something than to punish yourself for not doing something, in my opinion. Plus, I feel like it works out, too, because after all, you do usually want to feed your pets or buy equipment or buy quests.

Water tracker: Drinking water is important, yo. The way I go about this is I have a positive habit called “1l of water” and I just hit the + for every liter I drink. I’ve set it to reset daily so I can see at how many liters I roughly am at for the day. If you struggle with drinking water more, you can also just put “drink a glass of water” and set the difficulty to hard instead of easy, as I have it set because at this point I’m pretty used to drinking a shit ton of water, I just like to keep an overview in case I’m busy and forget. That’s the beauty of Habitica vs other apps, you can modify it to your needs! 

Meet friends: This one I have set to reset every week so that I can see at a glance whether I’m having a social life. Having “high density” fun (as Thomas Frank frequently puts it) is crucial to my mental health, yet I tend to do it too little especially when I’m stressed and instead sit there on my phone wondering where the hours went and feeling generally very blah. I only have this as a positive habit because I don’t want to and need to force myself to do something with friends every single day (what’s up fellow introverts), but I’m aiming for at least once a week of my own accord, so not counting when I see them in a uni context or at fixed activities. I have this set on hard to motivate myself to actually do it, too, since I have to leave the house to fulfill it.

Color: As you may have noticed (X, X) coloring is a bit of a hobby of mine so the habit isn’t really necessary right now while I’m still technically on break and have more time to do it, but I like to keep it in there anyway. I usually color while listening to podcasts because that goes hand in hand, and many podcasts I listen to are also somewhat educational (hmu with your favorites, I’d love to discover some new ones!) while still expanding my horizons beyond what I learn at uni. This one I have set to medium, because while it is a hobby that I like to do, there’s definitely some resistance because you have to be very focused and can’t really do other stuff except listen to podcasts simultaneously. Coloring is very therapeutic to me, and I’m not an artsy person, so maybe give it a shot! You can also replace coloring with any artistic habit, obviously.

Read or listen to podcast instead of watching TV: I love doing both of these things yet they start to get infinitely harder when you’re at uni and running around town trying to stay alive during the semester. Reading especially is very beneficial to my mental health and I love doing it, but it’s just so much harder to pick up a book than to hit play on Netflix. I should probably split these two habits up now that I think about it, because I do tend to read much less than I listen to podcasts. Either way, the difficulty setting here is hard with a daily reset although it doesn’t really matter that much as both daily and weekly resets are equally suited for the purpose in my opinion. 

One book per week: Ah yes, my reading goal. I am terrible at reading slowly and steadily during the year which leads me to binge read on vacation. Now, while I love doing that and I don’t perceive it as a stressful, I would prefer to also read during the year. This habit is set to hard with a weekly reset, and it is both a positive and a negative (which means I probably have to hit the - today, siiiiigh). 

Work out: During the school year, I weirdly don’t struggle with working out a lot because I see it as a study break and I’m one of those people who actually looks forward to working out and hitting some goals. This one also has a weekly reset, hard difficulty and is both a positive and a negative habit, however, I only hit the - when I was supposed to work out and didn’t. This is partly the reason why I don’t want my workout as a daily, I don’t like having fixed days because sometimes you gotta move your schedule around a bit and I simply aim to work out 4-5 times a week. I’m looking into starting an exercise class for swimming next semester, though, so if I do join that one, I will absolutely make it a daily. 

Meal not eaten at desk: Kind of a weird one. I started developing this terrible habit of constantly doing everything at my desk last year, especially eating. Now, if you don’t have a ton of space and roommates, it makes sense for your desk to be basically where you spend your entire day, but I want my desk to be as much of a work only, no play space as it can be, even with limited space, and eating at it is a very bad idea to keep that mental separation in place. Also, I want to be focus on what I’m eating as much as possible and not do five things simultaneously. So, in order to motivate myself to eat my food at the dining room table, I’ve made this a simply positive habit with a medium difficulty and a daily reset as I usually eat three meals a day.

Cook: If you follow me, you probably already know I’m a big proponent of home-cooked meals. But cooking is time consuming, exhausting and hard sometimes when all you want after a long day at uni is some sushi. I aim to cook at a proper meal at least two or three times a week and try to avoid takeout as much as possible. To motivate me, I have this as a positive habit, at a hard difficulty and a weekly reset. 

Go to bed before midnight: I struggle with this. A lot. However, I do need my sleep - when I don’t sleep at least seven hours, I’m unfocused, cranky and tired. Plus, it’s really bad for athletic recovery. Getting to bed before midnight at least ensures I’ll be getting seven hours (since I try to get up at 7:00), ideally I’d get eight or nine, but I’m trying to stay realistic here. I have this as a positive habit with a weekly reset and at a hard difficulty. I don’t see the point in making it a daily because I know I won’t do it (I could, however, maybe make “get to bed before 1:00 a daily, to get brownie points for getting to bed even earlier than I needed to, I might yet do that).

EDIT: It’s been brought to my attention by the lovely @gold-n-mind​ that mobile doesn’t show the counter, something I didn’t really think of because I only use Habitica of my phone when I can’t avoid it but mostly use it on desktop. You can still set up everything how I mention it, but you will have to check the count on desktop, as of right now there doesn’t seem to be another way for mobile users. For potential mobile only users, this is what I’m referring to:

DAILIES

These, just like the habits, will be very personal. My dailies tend to change a lot because when I’m back home at my parent’s I don’t really need cleaning dailies for example. But here are some ideas nevertheless:

Get up within 15 minutes of waking up: I suck at this. I tend to waste away time in my bed, staying on my phone for 30 minutes before I even think about getting up. But a quick jumpstart to my day is extremely beneficial for my productivity, so I’m trying to work on it. This is due every day since lounging about in bed makes me tired and cranky and consumes time I could be using to eat breakfast while watching youtube.

Morning skincare/evening skincare: Pretty self-explanatory. Due every day.

Open window: Due every day. I try to always open my window before I start studying, as I don’t really leave it open over night and fresh air is obviously very helpful for da brain. Also, the cold air tends to help me wake up. 

Make bed: I never used to do this. But then I read “Unfuck your habitat” and I saw the merit in starting your day on a positive, structured note while making your room seem more tidy. Also, these easy dailies give me something to check off before getting started on my harder to dos, which is a concept known as momentum. Due every day.

Do a 20/10 of cleaning somewhere: Another lesson from UFYH. It means you do 20 minutes of tidying somewhere, then take a 10 minute break. I have found I rarely really need more than 20 minutes, and you can easily integrate one 20/10 somewhere in your daily schedule. It’s not fun, but constantly chipping away at messes means you don’t have to do huge binge-cleans. Due every day, but usually not needed every day.

Take out trash if needed: Tasks like these (this one is exemplary because I have a lot of these when I’m in my apartment during the semester) are great because they get you check if you have to do something every day and if they’re due, you do them right away since you’re already there checking! If they’re not due, you can easily check something off your dailies without actually doing work. Of course, the difficulty setting on these is usually trivial, but taking out the trash is a very trivial task, you just tend to put if off forever. Other ideas for this are put on laundry, check the mail, etc.

Week review/weekly planning: This is due every Sunday. I suck at following through and do need to get better at it, but actually looking at your week in advance and knowing what’s gonna happen when as well as getting into the mindset for Monday does help. 

Study dailies: These will vary wildly depending on what kind of study system and schedule you have! I have a general study daily with a checklist that says “x pages” and “flashcards”. I also now have a separate flashcard daily with a checklist for every set of flashcards I’m trying to get done. Like I said, it will vary - for some of you having a daily with a certain goal of pomodoros may work (I don’t really utilize the pomodoro method a lot, though), some of you just need a push so “study for 30 minutes” may be enough to set you on a productive course. I change up my study dailies most frequently of all of them because they change a lot depending on what subject I’m focusing on, but most of the time I’ll only have them due during the week, sometimes also on Saturdays. 

Go to class: I don’t really struggle with this because I literally cannot skip more often than once or they fail me, but why not reward yourself for leaving your comfy flat and braving the real world? These are also easy to set up because classes generally take place on a weekly basis, just set them as due on the weekday when the class is, and if you don’t struggle with going to class like me, you can always set the difficulty to trivial.

TO DOS

I won’t really go in depth on the to dos, because I feel like they’re pretty self-explanatory. I will explain a couple, but apart from that it’s pretty personal and whatever you have going on, just throw it on there. 

Grocery list: This is the only more “unconventional” use I have for to dos. I like to make one to do that says “grocery shop” and then put everything I need as a separate sub-point. This works really well and I like to do it this way mainly so I don’t have my shit spread out over five list apps. The only drawback is that you can’t share that list with friends (unless you shell out €€ and get a group plan), so if you have a joint shopping list with a roommate, you might not be able to use this.

University readings: I like to make huge tasks of my required reading with tons of sub-points so that the reward is proportional to the pain (lol). The drawback to this method is that you don’t get the instant gratification of being able to check off a task at the end of the day, but I use dailies to work like this so my to dos are kind of a more long-term overview of where I want to be by what date. You can be as detailed with this as you want, but I just kind of use the big chapter headings. You could also divide it by pages, though. Whatever floats your boat.