#seriously? youre gonna come on my post that i didnt even tag as doctor who and be an ass? screw off???

[mbat]

i think ive said it before, but i truly dont understand the goals of villains whos entire goal is to kill every living thing in one way or another, especially when the ones that are whole societies are anti-individuality, and therefore entirely monotonous. like... if they succeed, what do they do after? what do you do when everything is dead? what do you do when theres only one group left, and you all dont do anything BUT the thing you can no longer do?

like i feel like its meant to be commentary or a metaphor somehow but it falls flat to me. like yeah we had something similar in real life but at least they had a vague idea of what would happen after

[you-cant-spell-subtext-without]

so get this. I was gonna roll around in Tombstone related fluff today - but no, no - this post came across my dash so Now We Are Gonna Discuss the Carnal Consumption of Meat as it appears on That Show Supernatural.  YEAH BUDDIES!

(also my sincere apologies to OP of the inspiration post who innocently tagged it with “lunch date!”  because I am about to go Elsewhere, cursedly).

Let’s all go meat man, after the cut!

This analysis centers primarily on 5x14 Bloody Valentine.  The title of course is a semi-homage to a 3D Slasher Film Jensen starred in circa 2009. 

Which I will be renting soon I guess.  ,[<- parasocial panda GET BACK IN YOUR ENCLOSURE]

Also Its Really Fun that the trailer for Said Cinema ends with “nothing says date movie like a 3-D ride to hell” [are you also thinking of Cas pulling Dean out of hell, or are you normal?]  ***unironically the teaser for 5x14 is -

EXT. SIDEWALK - IN FRONT OF ALICE'S APARTMENT BUILDING

RUSSEL 

First date.

They then eat each other.  Literally they eat each others flesh.  They also do it while dirty talking about it.  SPN IS A SHOW 

ALICE Ugh! I've been so alone. So empty...

RUSSEL I know. Me too.

ALICE I want you, Russel---All of you... inside me...

[they both take bites out of each other, Alice chewing on a piece of Russel's flesh]

****Remember this detail, as it is important.

ANYWAY, it’s truly Cursed that not only are we doing an homage to this 3-D Jensen Horror Date Flick but also this episode is specifically centered on Valentine’s Day.  The day honoring romance and love Now Coopted by Hallmark, everyone, that is the day spn writers chose to introduce us to 

Sir Horseman of THE Biblical Apocalypse Famine. 

Canonically, we are aware that the show is drawing from the book of Revelations in its depiction of the Four Horsemen.  Here’s what it says about Famine -

"When He broke the third seal, I heard the third living creature saying, "Come." I looked, and behold, a black horse; and he who sat on it had a pair of scales in his hand.”

-Revelations 6:5

Famine holds scales (used to weigh out grain in times of food scarcity).  Spn’s depiction is represented as hunger, a bottomless pit of need.  It consumes souls (demon and human alike).  

Cas describes Famine a little more poetically:

CASTIEL 

"And then will come Famine riding on a black steed. He will ride into the land of plenty... "

"... and great will be the Horseman's hunger, for he is hunger. "

"His hunger will seep out and poison the air. "

***Consider a prior season in which we are introduced to the Seven Deadly Sins.  Which are the sins associated with hunger?

Gluttony

and Lust.

***this is also important

Back to the episode.  Case cold open, and we find out that Alice was a Nice Girl.  In that she didnt drink, smoke or

have premarital sex.

***So Alice’s hunger for the sin of Lust caused her to succumb to it; and her demise was presented as Gluttony (literally eating her partner’s flesh). HMM

Famine’s presence is affecting the town, and Cas is not immune.

DEAN 

And when did you start eating?

CASTIEL 

Exactly. My hunger-- it's a clue, actually.

***They lay it out a little more in case you missed it ->

SAM 

I thought famine meant starvation, like as in, you know, food.

CASTIEL 

Yes. Absolutely. But not just food. I mean, everyone seems to be starving for something--Sex, attention, drugs, love...

***this is so important.  but of course because its spn and our textual narrators are generally unreliable (even in a Ben Edlund episode, yes I know)

we get a red herring

CASTIEL 

Right. The cherub made them crave love, and then Famine came, and made them rabid for it.

***but that’s not accurate.  they didn’t get married or become obsessed with each other (remember the cursed coin in 4x08 Wishful Thinking and the unconditional love wish? not what happened here). they had premarital sex.  they did the thing Alice considers wrong, and dark, and sinful.  and then they ate each others’ flesh.

DEAN 

Okay, but what about you? I mean, since when do angels secretly hunger for White Castle?

CASTIEL 

It's my vessel-- Jimmy. His, uh, appetite for red meat has been touched by Famine's effect

***mad lad Jimmy Novak’s hunger is for...red meat?  He is starving for red meat?  You are telling me that the Novaks, red blooded conservative religious midwestern Novaks, ate RED MEAT SO SPARINGLY that Jimmy Novak was LITERALLY starving for it?!?!  No way.  Absolutely no way.  This is a man who was such a religious zealot he STUCK HIS HAND IN BOILING WATER and accepted an angel of the lord into his own body but his secret hunger was for fucking ground beef?

give me a damn break.

to me this is an absolute coverup.  Because Cas’s burger consumption is not related one iota to his vessel Jimmy Novak.

it is a representation of Cas falling.  Cas’s cravings for meat represent his growing (and very much prohibited) feelings for...humanity (Dean Winchester), and they are presenting as Gluttony in the form of his downing more and more copious amounts of red meat.  

SERIOUSLY, consider this - at one point the depiction is so desperately carnal that he is eating raw ground beef with his bare hands. It is fucking uncomfortable.  and it is SUPPOSED to be.  Famine stirs up hunger for the prohibited.  For the sinful. That which we are starving for but do not believe we can ever have, so we lust and we lust and we LUST after it, but should we allow ourselves even just a taste of what we have been ravenously craving, we binge it until we ourselves disappear into the oblivion of our own sinful, dark desires.

Since You Want More Examples of why this cant possibly be hunger for Cheeseburgers and Cheeseburgers alone, Consider Famine’s effect on Dean.  Remember his doctor kink?

**when its revealed that Doctor Corman has succumbed to Famine’s poison by drinking himself to death, Dean - very uncharacteristically by the way - reacts by saying out loud

DEAN Thanks. Crap! I really kind of liked this guy.

***please note that Doctor Corman says the following to Dean in the prior scene they have together -

DR. CORMAN [to Dean]

Agent Marley, you just can't stay away.

****was that a flirtation?

***Also, Dean doesn’t want to go out and chase tail for Valentines Day.   

SAM

I mean, what do you always call it-- Uh, unattached drifter Christmas?

DEAN 

Oh, yeah. Well... be that as it may...I don't know. Guess I'm not feeling it this year.

SAM 

So you're not into bars full of lonely women?

DEAN 

Nah, I guess not. [takes a sip of his beer] Ahh. What?

SAM 

That's when a dog doesn't eat-- That's when you know something's really wrong.

***oh look we are relating things to eating again.  sex/lust to gluttony.  hmmm hmmm hmmm

ANYHOW -  *takes deep breath*

 this is also the Episode Where This Scene Lives

****JACKTING JOICES

oh and speaking of jacting joices, this is also the Dean Notices Cupids Crotch Episode.

frAckles, I am once again asking why you only permit celestial beings to hug you from behi-[gunshots]

but Dean isn’t hungry.  Why? Famine has the explanation, and we get it after Dean immediately runs inside after Cas heads in to complete his portion of their plan barely giving him any time to do so because he misses him that much.

FAMINE 

I disagree. [Famine moves closer to Dean and touches him] Yes. I see. That's one deep, dark nothing you got there, Dean. Can't fill it, can you? Not with food or drink. Not even with sex.

DEAN 

Oh, you're so full of crap.

FAMINE 

Oh, you can smirk and joke and lie to your brother, lie to yourself, but not to me! 

***not Dean making all of those homophobic/homoerotic jokes every time he’s in danger or feeing uncomfortable; not that, that can’t possibly be what Famine is referencing, right?

I can see inside you, Dean. I can see how broken you are, how defeated. 

***not THIS parallel:

AMARA:

You're a mystery. I can see inside your heart. Feel the love you feel, except… It's cloaked in shame

You can't win, and you know it. But you just keep fighting. Just... keep going through the motions. 

***not the motions of performative heterosexuality!!

***Dean’s not hungry because in his heart he truly believes that he can’t actually have what he hungers for.  That Thing Which This Episode Overtly but Also Very Clearly Made Obvious.  It’s an angel riding shotgun [I did Do That and I am Not Sorry], eating a burger in the front seat of the impala.  But, I’ve deviated from the meat of this essay [gunshots] [this time just for the bad joke].

BONUS

there’s Exists another episode in which a man ravenously consumes red meat; eventually succumbing to eating raw beef with his bare hands in the season prior to this one.  

Yes Supernatural the Show That Brought Us Not One But Two Scenes of Persons Carnally Consuming Red Meat With Their Bare Hands.  

This episode is a MOTW - the man in question is a rougaru - a monster that starts out as human but due to some specific genetic disorder (hmmm hmmm hmm crack in THE chassis hmmm hmmm) soon begins to be extremely hungry - “for everything, but eventually long pig.” AKA human flesh. 

Wanna know the kicker?  

Episode’s called Metamorphosis.

(GIF by jackttwist)

I’ll see myself out.

[DOUBLE BONUS for extra credit:

if you really wanna wild out, go watch the scene of Jack the rougaru looking at himself in the mirror in 4x04 - and then meander on over to 7x01 and check out God!stiel looking in the mirror as the leviathans writhe inside him over there. It’s worth the walk.]

***oh and @lilac-void​ im tagging you in this one because in exchange for your KIND creator content nomination I guess I will respond by cursing you with an Honorary tag in this, a Meat Meta.  you’re welcome slash I'm sorry XO [but seriously thank you again for your kindness and appreciation; it really motivated me to sit down and get moving on making more content <3]

[queenofgotham800]

Little-Big Fights (3/3)

(Roman sionis x Reader)

Warnings:Gramatical errors, Swearing, Hospital, Wounds, Angst and then ton of fluff :)

(A/n): Posting again cuz tumblr won't let me tag it... 😓

I want to thank you all, for reading this story and voting in last chapter. It really means a lot to me. 💜

Part-1 Part-2 Part-3

You took a deep breath and the finger on the trigger moved, you turned the gun at his leg and heared the shot. It didnt killed him, but he backed up, screaming and his weight started to pull him down from the pier...

In second, that Roman slowly started dissapearing behind the edge, you ran to him, laying on cold and ground. With one hand, you caught his arm and with second; the hurted one, you caught iron railing of the pier, hoping you won't fall down with him. Storm, strong wind and rain didn't made it easier for you. 

"Please don't let me fall," he was scared, looking in yours (y/c) eyes. 

"I won't." you shouted to Roman, trying to pull him up. The view was scary enough for you, so when Roman started to turn his head down you mumbled, "No, no, no, don't look down honey." He didn't listen and looked underneath, just to see sharp iron debris, sticking dangerously from pier. His eyes widen from increased fear. You didn't even realized you called him honey. Since it was raining and your arm was in pain, his hand started to slowly slip from yours. He was also too heavy for you, and you couldn't pull him up without help. Roman saw the fear in your eyes, frowned and looked down again. 

"(Y/n), you need to let me go!" he shouted through the wind. You didn't listen him, still trying to pull him up.

"Seriously, I don't want to pull you down with me." he said and you tightened the grip around his arm.

"No, I can't. I rather fall down with you," you felt how you slowly started to lose the strenght in arm. Roman smirked, "I always loved your stubbornness, but this is not the right time for it (y/n). Just close your eyes and let me go," Roman said while looking in your eyes fulled with tears. You were not ready for this. You were slowly letting him go, not becouse you wanted, but becouse you didn't had the strenght to hold him anymore. 

Then you felt somebody kneeling next to you.

"Uh, can I help or is it personal?" Harley asked. When you heared her voice you sighed in relief, "Help would be appreciated now..." 

"Romy I know, you just tried to kill my friend, but it seems that my other friend is in love with you," Harley started to speak to Roman and she gave him her hand. "I am not!" you said when you knew that Roman is safe as Harley started to pull him back on pier. "You are. Yeah, at first you shot him, which means that you wanted revenge, you got your revenge. And if you weren't in love with him, you would let him fall," Harley smiled and you frowned. Roman was already laying on pier and he screamed when you touched his leg. "And of course, Mister Queef Richards loves you too," Harley said and you lifted eyebrows as you heard the nickname. "Who?" you asked and watched Harley laugh, pointing at Roman. "Oh.." you mumbled, looking at his wounded leg. "I mean, he has your ring, he didn't wanted to pull you down with him. I would never ever thought that this man can love, but you," Harley made a dramatical pause, catching your shoulder, "you have such a nice personality, that you are changing him to better person," she smiled at you, pulling you to hug. "Thank you," you said, "Thank you so much," you smiled.

"I think you should check on him," Harley said and then you turned back to look at Roman who held his leg in panic. You walked to him, still keeping some distance. 

"Thank you.." Roman frowned and mumbled. 

"You don't have to thank me, I did it for my friend (y/n)," Harley said and dissapeared with Cassandra Cain-who watched all this from distance- in fog. 

After weird quiet of staring at eachother wounds you asked, "Did the bullet came through? Or is it still there?"

"It looks like it came through," Roman said and groaned in pain. 

You kneeled down to him, "Give me your shirt." 

"What?" he asked and put down his suit. "I need to stop the bleeding," you said with serious expresion and he nodded. You didn't saw his body whole month, but you could say he gained bit of weight. This month you just fighted eachother, had big arguments over little things or big things. This moment was a welcomed change for you both, even when Roman was bleeding. 

You took his shirt, pushing it to the wound, pulling out your old phone.

"What are you doing?" asked Roman, "I am calling ambulance," you said, refusing to look at his blue eyes. He tried to take your phone from your hand.

"And what are you doing?" you asked, pulling it away from his reach. 

"I don't want to live without you. I can't live without you," he said and you tilted your head in disbelief. "No, just stop. You can't be like this," you scolded him and then sighed, "I'm gonna call the ambulance, there is no way that i am letting you die, after saving your life."

"(Y/n), please," Roman cried and you didn't knew if its becouse of the wound in leg or in his heart. 

"No!" you shouted. After calling ambulance, you could not stand the fact, that he is crying and you hugged him. "Just stop crying, you know I hate to see you like that," you pulled him closer and he burried his face in your shoulder. "She was right," Roman mumbled and you pulled him away, "Who?" you asked. "Quinn. When she said I love you," Roman said, holding your cheek. 

"Why..Why are you doing this to me," you said through tears, "Just one day without you and you nearly killed yourself. I dont want to think about things that would happen if I weren't here." you caught his hand on your cheek. "You probably wouldn't get shot, I am sorry and I quite understand why you shot me," he looked on your arm, worried. "I am so sorry, (Y/n)."

You lifted his chin and looked at bruises on his face, some of them were still bleeding. 

"Please, I'll stop flirting with others, just please come back. I need you so much," Roman said and put down ring from the chain. "I..I..Roman, I mean, are you sure? This month we were just arguing. I love you so much, but I can't be with you, if you don't like my presence," you said, looking on the ring. 

"I am sorry for this month, (y/n), for everything. I didn't gave you my attention, i was mean to you... I fully deserve this," Roman pointed at his leg. You took a deep breath, you never saw him sad like this and it was breaking your already broken heart. "I.. forgive you then," you said, taking the ring slowly from his shaken hand. When you had it on finger, you smiled through the tears and Roman kissed you and hugged you again. 

Sun was rising, but rain was still falling down on Gotham. 

"I love you so much," Roman whispered in your ear, and you felt how his hands felt down and he felt down too, laying on the cold pier with closed eyes. 

Last thing he saw was the sunshine in your eyes. Your beautifull eyes fulled with tears. Your voice screaming his name. He didn't felt the pain going through his leg. Everything was calm and dark... "(Y/n)..." he whispered

Then, he saw light. Lights were flickering against his face. He was still alive, slowly breathing, but still alive. Then Roman closed his eyes again. 

He heared you, singing a familiar somg to him, felt your hand tangled in his hairs. 

"(Y/n)?" Roman said, and he was surprised how weirdly his voice sounded. You smiled at him, giving him cup with water. "Roman, honey," you caught his hand and sighed in relief, "How are you feeling?" After that, Roman remembered at his leg, looking down to it. 

"It hurts," he said touching the cast. "I am sorry, i didn't meant to shoot you that badly," you said.

"No, dont be sorry," Roman mumbled and sat on hospital bed.

"Doctor said you have to have it like two months maybe..." you sat next to your husband. 

"Two months? Wait what does it mean?" Roman looked on you, concerned.

"Well, it means you have to rest. I will take care of you," you said giving him kiss on cheek. 

"Oh, i would like that," Roman smiled. 

You missed this version of him. Of course, he could be brutal and cruel, but he could be also soft, but only for you. You cupped his face, which was still bruised and covered in blood, since doctors refused to clean him. Either they were afraid of him or they hated him. 

"Doctor also said you can go, when you wake up. Honestly, I just want to go, hospital is bringing me some old memories which I would like to forget," you said and Roman wanted to get down from bed, but you stopped him. "No, no, no, wait here, don't move," you said and ran outside his room for something. "Where do you think i would go?" he smirked. Alone, in that room he was afraid too, but then you came back with wheelchair. 

"Looks like I've got new driver after all," Roman smiled and you helped him to sit there. 

1 month later, Black Mask Club

You were standing in middle of the club, dressed in fancy dress looking on guests dancing under stage, having fun. At first if was hard to take care of the club, but you somehow managed it. After that, you came upstairs to Roman. His leg was slowly healing, but he was still in wheelchair. 

"Hey babe," you came into dining room, where he sat, reading newspapers. 

"Hello, how are you cutie," asked Roman, while giving you soft kiss. 

"Good and so is the club," you said pulling the wheelchair to bedroom. 

"I have some news," Roman said while you helped him to dress up to his pajamas. "Tell me then," you smiled and opened wardrobe to find yours too. "I sold the warehouse, there was just lots of ugly memories and..." he didnt finished the sentence becouse you kissed him.

"I have some news too," you smiled and caught his hand, slowly placing it onto your belly.

"Wait.. I.. I am.. I am going to be a father?" he asked, cupping your cheeks. "I am going to be father," Roman laughed and kissed you. That night, you were both cuddling thinking about the name for baby.

[mellohyi]

i fucking hate my parents middle finger emoji /srs

theres a whole vent under the cut thats long i just gotta get this shit off my chest

oh yeah and if im missing any tags lmk, idk what tags i might need

how are you gonna go and tell your child (who is already dying because you yelled at them for not finishing food even though they quite literally found it repulsive to eat because of how it looked and they already tried to eat some anyways) they are FUCKING FAKING THEIR PROBLEMS.

im sorry i dont present the same way as my amab autistic cousin or something???? im sorry i only felt comfortable sharing it now after researching it and finally FUCKING understanding HOW THE FUCK I FUNCTION??????

fucking all that progress getting help and for what. if you are fucking reacting like that over me physically not being able to eat something because the way it looked physically repulsed me i wonder how long you were keeping that to yourself. i wonder if you only agreed to see a doctor because i was annoying you with it, and not because you were finally starting to understand where i was coming from.

i. i fucking got bullied for YEARS because of stuff i couldnt even control about myself. and you wanna go ahead and tell me those things are only a 'manifestation of me reading into it' and not actually an issue. right. i had to fucking be someone i was not for MOST OF MY FUCKING LIFE. AND YOU WANT TO GO AHEAD AND TELL ME IM ONLY SUDDENLY BEING LIKE THIS BECAUSE I READ ABOUT IT. IM SORRY FOR TRYING TO FIX IT MYSELF SO I COULD BE THE CHILD YOU WANTED. IM FUCKING SORRY I GUESS. SHOULDVE BEEN LIKE MY COUSIN WHEN HE WAS ONE FOR YOU TO ACTUALLY BELIEVE ME I GUESS. SORRY I DONT FUCKING PRESENT TO YOUR STANDARDS I GUESS.

my mum. my mum said shes not believing me until my gp says its an issue. she said shes not 'buying it until a doctor says it'. fun fucking fact!!! the problem exists before you see a fucking doctor!!! the reason why you fucking go to see the doctor is, shocker, because YOU HAVE A FUCKING PROBLEM. fuck off if you are seriously going to say that shit i might as well say you dont have depression unless i hear it come from a fucking doctor. no fucking wonder she got post partum depression after i was fucking born. no. fucking. wonder.

if there wasnt a problem i wouldnt have been referred to camhs by my gp or to some place to be assessed by camhs. if anything im shocked camhs even referred me somewhere, last time they just said im depressed and then discharged me. they didnt even provide me anything other than 'you said you are suicidal. are you suicidal? are you going to hurt yourself?' and thats fucking it. i couldve gotten help months ago if my school did something but they forgot about it the first time and the second time also told me its not an actual problem and i just need to study more.

my parents even told me im just making it up. as if i dont already think that. ive struggled with not knowing what was wrong with myself for years. and even then i still told myself i was being ridiculous and couldnt actually feel that way. the problems didnt just suddenly appear because i read about it. ive been a really picky eater my whole life, ive just learnt how to hide it over time because of you always telling me 'this isnt a restaurant' and other shit like that. but no, go ahead and tell me that my cousin would only eat toast and compare me to that. ignore the fact you made me feel like i needed to hide how i felt.

i used to struggle a lot with following rules and i always felt like i had to follow them perfectly and so did everyone else. so i guess im sorry for not lashing out at school and being disrupted as a child? even though i did almost hurt someone as a result of all the bottled up anger i had as a result and only realised i was about to hurt them when someone found me, thats a whole different story though i guess. im sorry for not presenting how you expected me to present even though its LITERALLY CALLED A SPECTRUM FOR A REASON??????????????????????????????????????????????????????

also telling me im only just suddenly hating textures is dumb please dont tell me you have forgotten the phase i had where i literally exclusively wore leggings because any other pants felt gross... and struggling to buy me jeans for years because they all made me feel gross... because thats kinda embarassing of you <3 try harder to fakeclaim my issues next time!!

oh and dont give me some donut type thing to say sorry for yelling at me <3 your actions are not forgiveable and im never going to forgive you. i forgave you easily when you guys used to hit me and stuff but im not being lenient anymore x

i mean if you pay for ranboo merch when it drops tomorrow like that one time you bought me a sims 4 expansion pack when it dropped because you knew i was excited for it and you had pretty much beaten me up the day before,,, i'll consider it (/j it genuinely isnt forgivable and theres no exceptions buddy,,, but you can still buy me merch!)

[cerealmonster15]

yo fam i read ur grifnut/rvbnut tags,,like just make a post, i want to reblog this

OOH u mean my tags on this post yea? i’ll just make it THIS POST 8))) i was just gonna screencap all them juicy tags but since rvbnut [best term ever thank u for that] is otp, i will retype for better readability + i thought of some extra things to throw in, so here we go:

as mentioned already, there’s donut’s super secret diary where donut describes"gazing silently into each other’s visors” and feeling a connection, as well has having sat in grif’s lap”. i very much believe donut had a crush on grif at some point

there’s some PSA or something that for the life of me I can’t remember the name of, and it might just be a dvd extra cause I found it on youtube not through the rvb channel, where the reds are getting on motorcycles to go somewhere and grif has to share w/donut, and hes Very Hesitant and i dont remember what exactly donut was saying but it was Very Suggestive how he was telling grif to get behind him and hold on tight or w/e, and when grif didnt wanna get on it with him he was like “whats wrong ;(?? dont be shy~”

ive pulled out my book now and donut describes the play they put on for tucker as being about “the band of handsome male survivors braving the elements together” so, donut thinks he + the other BGC members are handsome

“The first thing the doctor did when we got him back over to our base was pin Sarge against the wall with the Warthog. I always thought if anyone was going to ram Sarge up to the wall, it would be me, seeing as how I’ve been angling for a promotion lately” -another entry in donut’s diary. i honest to god have no idea how this could be taken as an innuendo, bc it straight up sounds like donut wants to fuck his way to the top

also in the book, simmons’ self insert fanfiction “Hero In Maroon” has… a special scene with “Donut the Enchanter,” who is “spreading his temptation magic through scandalous dancing.” This is SIMMONS writing this, and simmons has himself say “Tell me what you know about Sarge, else I will have to run you through with my long sword” and, sure, he has donut speak in innuendos and reply to that line with “I like where this is gong. Maybe I’ll keep you here… FOREVER!” but like, simmons literally wrote himself throwing an innuendo to donut. then you have the next few lines “DONUT USES OFFICER HOT PANTS HANDCUFF ATTACK” “”Oh no!” Simmons exclaims. A bed appears behind him. His hands are cuffed to it.” And while the next line is just donut laughing and saying “Now you must watch my rendition of the musical CATS” so while donut wasnt gonna do anything creepy, this really sounds like simmons writing a self insert fic that includes a provocative donut flirting with him while talking about musicals…. simmons dont repress ur crush on donut

^not to mention the officer hot pants comes from donut having dressed up and jumped out of a cake for sarge’s birthday……..

at the finale scene of s13, donut says “I love you, too, Lopez”

Donut lived offscreen with Doc in valhalla, and then was dropped back off there to continue living in valhalla with doc (and lopez’s head) (i could talk for 60 years about them but anyone who’s followed me long enough has heard it all before and i’m tryin to keep the points b r i e f lol)

church has said “I like donut. He’s pretty harmless, man. I-I don’t think he’d hurt a fly.” and upon finding out donut got crushed by a spaceship, he paused his snarking to say “Oh, wait, the pink guy? Oh, I actually liked him!” to which grif replies “Seriously, what’s with all these feelings for donut?” 

tucker, thinking donut was a girl bc pink armor, asked donut if he “wanted to date one of us” and then called donut a “tease” when he said he wasn’t a girl

donut polished tucker’s codpiece 3 times when he and caboose were helping tucker get the black gunk off his armor, saying something along the lines of “a 3-coat waxing is just my way of saying I Care :)”

epsilon!tucker, while not canon to actual tucker, is implied to have jacked off to donut bc he thought he was a girl 

seems to be implied that tucker and donut were both assigned to the same desert location when everyone got split up, and donut passed out from thirst/exhaustion trying to get tucker’s distress call to the others

in The Best Red vs Blue DVD Ever of All Time, there’s a scene where tucker and donut are introducing “best couple.” Donut goes on about romance, while tucker says couple doesn’t necessarily mean romance, and  that “you[donut] think everything is romance! last week you called it romance when i accidentally took a bite of your sandwich” “was it really an accident tucker? was it?” “YES!” “time will tell” “ugh, whatever-” dudes, donut totally had a crush on tucker at least once

i dont have a good source but i remember seeing in a post a while back that there was a scrapped plotline that was gonna be a love triangle between donut, a “confused caboose”, and an unknown third party

i’m willing to bet the confused caboose bit is because caboose seems to have thought (and maybe still does? who knows) that donut was a girl, likely because of the armor. in caboose’s mind, donut’s a girl who says things like “I love caboose, and yet, I’m still afraid of him, he’s so scary :)” [cause he seems to think of himself as intimidating to the red team lol], and then in Head Canon, caboose!donut says something like “i like [something] almost as i like to paint my nails and not talk to boys. i would never talk to boys, especially not caboose for some reason!” which… is hard to make sense of tbh lol, but since everyone in caboose’s mind is how caboose perceives them, it maybe seems like caboose doesnt get as much of donut’s attention as he’d like?? lmfao, it sounds like “not caboose for some reason” means caboose doesn’t really understand either. 

donut tearily said to caboose way back in KITBFF: “ Mister Caboose, I just want you to know that even though we are on different teams, and we may never see each other again, whatever happens out there today, I’ll always remember the moments we shared together. You are now, and forever will be… my friend.” very emotional if i do say so myself

there’s this reconstruction deleted scene where i guess donut had gotten transferred to doing special agent stuff w/wash’s division or something (wash calls him Special Agent Donut so, i guess lol). Wash speaks in donut innuendos the whole time he’s talkin about donut [”He’s a back door expert” “if there’s an unsecured rear entrance, he’s your man” “legend has it he can get through even the tightest cracks-” lmfao and they address each other by name, so i like to think they’ve worked together and donut’s… mannerisms… have been Rubbing Off on wash ;p

^also in that deleted scene caboose goes “DONUT! :D” when donut appears and talks, so he’s clearly excited to see him!!!!!!!!! 

ahem. point being: the bgc needs to embrace the donut love and i firmly believe that if someone didnt have a crush on donut, donut had a crush on one of them at some point in time

[j-cypher-moved]

@the anon who submitted their message two days ago

  I dont know why im doing this.. im sorry            

Hey alice! I’ve been following your blog for a year now, i think? I havent regrettted following you bc your posts, whether they’re your own or just reblogs, always make me smile especially your happy tag. I read all your asks and I did come across your bunny anon and I liked how you took your time to reply to them. So… I know im being selfish right now.. but because you’re the only blog i follow that actually takes her time to read and understand a person without judging her.. and give a lengthy answer, i thought i should… try my luck..Even if you wont understand me..i’ll just write what comes to my mind without a plan and hahah im already getting tears in my eyes.. Also im really sorry Im submitting this, but I think its gonna be legnthy (sorry for that too) and im afraid tumblr would eat the seperate asks..

So.. to start off: Im turning 23 soon, but I really dont like myself. like at all? I mean, being 22, i should have achieved something in life,right? but i achieved literally nothing.

I finished school and the 13th grade (its not university but here its considered like a college. after graduating you can choose an even higher school, 11th to 13th grade. but its not university because that comes after 13th grade). I mean yeah i finished the 13th grade but for what? I did something i thought i wanted, but am actually miserable in and so i suffered for 3 years. the grades in my final certificate suck and so no “good job” accepts me and tbh, you’ll think im a slob now, i gave up? Im registered somewhere that sends you mails of companies that are looking for employees, but i gave up? Im not even sending my application anymore but at the same time i feel incredibly guilty for that. And the worst part is, this has been going on for 2 years now. I left school in 2015 and have beenliving home, like literally home, for 2 years

what i mean with literally is… I never go out. I dont have friends lol i dont know what i did wrong in my life but ever since 1st grade i got bullied a lot. there was a girl and fate decided that we should be in one school, in one class, till the 9th grade. and because i’ve been bullied so early on in my life I had absolutely no confidence to speak up and the bullying continued until the 9th grade. she threatened to “kill me” once because I didnt want to play with during the break with her (Im pathethic because i still hung out with her in school because i didnt want to be alone. I did it once, stay away from them in breaks but i couldnt handle it and just went to the toilet to hide and cried silently until the break was over). I did talk with my parents about it near the end of the year and they immidiately went to my school to talk with the teacher and also went to her house to talk with her parents. But it continued in school lol. My teacher at least made sure that I wouldnt get paired up with her for any group activities though. For 10th grade, the class got seperated and I was for once lucky enough because I was smarter than her and so i got into the “advanced” class. Everything went super well in 10th grade. I actually had people i liked and felt comfortable with to talk more openly and the boys in my class treated me nicely, too. I wasnt just invisible for them. Its still one of my most favorite memories. But it only lasted for 1 year and after graduation we all seperated ways and I was alone again. (back then we didnt even have whatsapp and FB wasnt that popular so we couldnt keep contact) 11-13th grade was weird. like i said its not something i can do and i struggled a lot during the years. the class was again..very childish. (i was the oldest because after 10th grade, i took 1 year off because i was too late to apply to any school, then a year later i got accepted but realized i cant do it so i left again. I had to wait another year to apply to another school so..10th grade -> 2 years doing nothing -> 11 th grade again) But i got treated like im not there, again. the girls didnt like me for some reason even though we have never talked, i even think some of them were racist. But i could hear them talking about me in class and the boys did nothing to stop them (not that i really expected it but still..) and it kind of… hurt me in a weird way? Like my pride? I was the oldest in class and they still treated me like that, but actually I was disappointed in myself because i let it happen again? I was that old and still wasnt confident enough to speak up to myself and let them look down on me. I only had like 2 girls in class that i could talk to and that was it.

Now… thats 2 years ago, like i said. I want to get a job to at least do something with my life because i dont have anything else im good at (and no im not saying this for show, i mean it) but also because i dont have anything im passionate about, nothing i like and nothing that i can see myself doing? and so i thought getting paid would be best for me. But…. im not trying and i know that. im not trying anything to get into a job, im not going out to look for jobs, i cant talk to people i cant even make a phone call to ask something. And I know getting anxious for stuff like this is normal, but its not normal to not do anything for 2 years, especially at this age (Just because im an adult doesnt mean i have to be one, i know, but still there are expectations of myself that i fail to achieve and so i only disappoint myself further, does that make sense?) Like… all i do… is sleep, get up afternoon, sit on my laptop, eat dinner and sit on my laptop and then sleep again <— this has been going on for 2 years. from 2015 to beginning of 2016 i was kinda ok with it, i thought I still had time to figure things out, but mid 2016 it started messing with my mind. I realized how pathethic i actually am. I cant do anything to help my mom lol im “eating” her money (im not a bratty kid that wants expensive shit but it still feels WRONG to use my moms money at this age) and almost everyday I get the random confidence boost and motivation to actually do something tomorrow, to wake up before noon and try and call this or that company or go out personally… but… i dont. Even if i wake up early, I get the dark depressive thought of “Why? why should i do that now lol i havent done anything till now so why now? its already too late do you really think you can do something with your pathetic self?”

I dont have a drivers license… I want one. Its actually my first ever goal i have ever set in my life for the beginning of the year. The “new year new me” thing. I got the eye-test done while I had to a checkup, but even that is a month ago. For weeks i’ve been trying to go to the drivers school or call them to ask them questions but im so incredibly scared?? of what i dont know?? Of getting judged because I am dumb. I was born in this city but i have no idea which streets is where or what they’re called, i cant do math and so im scared of trying to calucate the distance between cars etc. Well im scared to call because im scared of phone-calls in general and because i know that I set it as my goal to GO there personally but on the website it says to please call them for questions, and so i didnt end up going because what if they’ll laugh at me and yada yada all those thoughs…

Also… this is very, very… personal.. that no one knows except my mom… and something thats making me cry whenever i look in the mirror. I… am really hairy. lol wow a tear just dropped onto my laptop oh god… ok so im hairy, yes. I have a hormone problems according to my gynecologist. The Testosterone is higher than the Estrogen, and so i have a literaly happy trail + all visible dark hair all around my stomach/chest. Of course my upperlip is dark too and very visible. for my face, i just wax it. but I cant possibly wax my whole torso.. i do take the pill with more estrogen in it, but its not helping. I’ve been to many doctors and even to hospitals but no one seems to care or help me.. they say the pill will help but its been years and it doesnt. I cant look at myself naked…. I never had a boyfriend, no first kiss, no boy was ever interested in me (yet… hopefully) but even if someone would be ??? enough to be interested in me.. I couldnt get naked in front of them.. im so ashamed of myself and my body as a female. And i know the talk of “Media is trying to give you the picture of what a female should look like, hairless thin etc etc. / The one that truly loves you will love you and your body for who and what you are) But the thing is… im not happy with it /myself/. I dont feel comfortable. If we go to a vacation with my family I cant wear a bikini like other girls even though I want to, i always have to get a bodysuit that will cover my stomach… To you or anyone else this may sound like im overreacting, telling me to "just shave it” but its not that easy and seriously no one can truly understand that doesnt have this kind of “extreme” hormone problem…

I dont even know why im sharing all of this with a “stranger on the internet” to be honest… i just want to get it off my chest, to let SOMEONE know how i really am? an adult that does nothing? and know it but again does nothing to change it? I know i might need help from a professional, but i dont want to and i dont have the courage or will to go to one.

Regarding the boyfriend and friends thing… yes… i have absolutely zero friends and thats also the reason im inside all day. I dont see a point in going out ? and thats also something that leads to… no boyfriend. because I dont go out (i dont mean like clubbing but just in general, like daytime) i cant meet anyone you know?

Also… you know what i realized after being on this earth for 22 years? I dont know if its because i never had any friends or experienced it, but i cant feel geniunely happy for someone? or be really proud of them?(im talking about people i have contact with. I AM geniuenly proud of BTS but thats another kind of proud) To my few fleeitng friends that i had, i still found something that annoyed me at one point but of course i never told them that or showed them that (because i think its normal to get annoyed with a friend at one point) but like.. i was never truly happy for them. I never truly loved them i think? Like i somehow in the end I felt selfish and was envious? And to realize that really hurts me now because I actually have no right to feel that way, i should be happy that a few people actually had a friendship with me (and i am happy for that but.. its not geniuene.. i dont know if i could explain it well or get across my point) I dont know… it feels weird..Its like im not capable of doing that. i wonder if i can love a boyfriend in the future

After reading all of this you might think I look like how i am and behave, too probably.. like a unhygienic bum or something, but tbh, im not even that bad looking. I have long hair, I straighten it, I dress nicely and put on perfume, I do my makeup and eyebrows to frame my face nicely and I actually do smile while talking to strangers because i want to leave a kind first impression..

I dont know why i divided all of these later on tbh.. i thought maybe it wouldnt hurt your eyes that much like this ;; I just rambled and shared so much of myself, im so sorry. Please dont be creeped out @ anyone who decides to read all of this ;; I guess I… feel at least a little bit better like I can breate a bit better now. I went completely mute 1 week ago, i just woke up and didnt feel like talking to anyone (anyone= my mom and bro. only people in my life) so i just.. sit silently in my room all day..I hope i can get out of this “mute” phase and at least talk and laugh with my mom again… my mom.. I cant imagine how it must feel like to see the own daughter fail at life this badly lol..

Anyway— I am extremly sorry for randomly coming into your “ask box” like this and making you read this.. if you’ll read this that is.. please dont feel obligated to reply to this if you dont want to.. But thank you..

Hello anon!Thank you for following me and im really glad my posts makes you smile!(i didn’t think anyone will go to my happy tag but :D)

Also you are not selfish in my eyes,you don’t have to be sorry and I’ll try my best while answering you~~

First of all,I do not think in any way that by the time you are 22/23 you must archive something,especially when that ‘something’ is a social construct.In some societies the ‘something’ means finding someone to marry before you are 25,in other it means ‘finishing uni and getting a successful job’,in some others it means to just be able to finish school.However,no matter the case,just because something is considered a norm,doesn’t mean that it corresponds to the reality.Just think how many people try to postpone their marriage,even in places where forming family is considered as the number priority.

 There are many things that fuel this type of thinking-that you must have some sort of significant achievement before a certain age-but instead of talking about the source of those,all i am going to say is that these words usually comes from people who are very stereotypically thinking without having a glimpse on what is going on in reality.Take for example,the job market(esp since you even mentioned it),people who are in their 40s-50s and go around shouting things like “but there are sooo many jobs!!you just need to try harder!!back in my day,i got my first serious job when i was 23!!”.Well...dear Robert...and every Robert who says things like that,apparently since you secured yourself a stable job from your 30s,you ‘kinda’ forgot to check how the things are today before saying things like this.The competitiveness is in job market is nowhere near the levels it was 20-30 years ago and this more or less applies to any country(i am telling you this as someone who studies this subject).

 Besides,let me tell you,again as someone who is in the academic field, I know so many people,and even some of my professors,who changed completely their degree in their late 30s-40s because they understood that the thing they studied in the first place was just ‘not their thing’.Like, real examples,my professor who teaches now history of european parties (he is his late 40s) had his first degree about computer sciences,my professor who teaches macroeconomics,was supposed to be a chemistry teacher(and both of them are A+ teachers now btw).

As for going specifically to the bullet points-i am going to mix them up a bit-but first of all congratulations on your certificate!You did it,you have one,and it that is that matters.As for the job situation:i don’t know if this company sends you specifically job emails that have to do with the field you studied,but if yes,I get why you don’t even open them.As you mentioned,you ended up not liking what you studied so having a job revolving around the same field is very pleasant to say the least.Also,again as someone who has studied the issue,have you considered going to some seminars?I mean I don’t know how if your economic situation allows you to consider this as an option,but I thought I’d let you know that even if your certificate doesn’t have the best grades or even if you don’t have a degree/certificate at all,there are some seminars (in most countries) at reasonable prices,especially considering how many doors they can open for you.

For example the other day I was thinking about starting some seminars on ‘how to be a professional secretary’.Im sorry idk how to say this more formally,but that was their main point:to teach you how to be a responsible,productive secretary,for any field really.I mean think about it:nowadays (at least in my country) those who get to work as secretaries are usually overqualified students who just got their degrees (e.g law one) but the thing is,even tho it may be really beneficial in some issues that will have to do with law issues,the general job of a secretary is law-unrelated.As a result,these freshly made lawyers sure can be great in solving law-related problems,but when it comes to making an organizational document in Excel for the company’s needs,they get lost,because they studied law,not how to use these programmes.What I mean here is,even if your grades aren’t high you can still be competitive in the job market,so don’t let those discourage you.

Moreover,I hope I didn’t scare you when I said in my second?third? paragraph about how competitive the employment market has become,because even when it is the way it is you can still get a competitive edge over others,by ‘building up’ your degree(if you want ofc).

I must also mention that i don’t know your field nor to which jobs you are referring to when calling them as ‘good jobs’,but in some positions having experience is way more valued than having a higher degree.This means that you almost unavoidably will have to start from a lower position (unfortunately).Like for example,if you want to become a cafe manager,at first you will need to work some time a waiter,then as a cashier and then lastly as a manager,ykwim?

And one last thing,which is kinda the complete opposite on my previous ‘tip’ is that there are more and more companies nowadays that want ‘baby minds’ aka workers who have zero experience in the field so they can ‘form’ easier their job behaviour according to the company’s policy.Generally,as someone who has been studying about this subject and also side eyeing job applications,I perfectly do understand that there is a difference between the theoretical part and the the actual reality,and the companies that follow the second or the third strategy may be very few,so I am not trying to make everything seems as through some pink glasses,but!!!! To give you a boost and help you gain some confidence,because frankly no matter the job/field it may come out as very important thing.I also do not want to make you feel you bad or guilty,overtly or covertly,about not having a job!!!!absolutely not!!!i just wanted to show you that IF you ever think about getting a job,not to get discouraged immediately at the thought of the overall grades and that there are some ways,besides the certificate(and even more which i didn’t elaborate on here),that can make you a qualified worker.

About you not going out..Hmm..First of all I am really sorry that you got bullied by that girl especially in such a young age,when kids should gain confidence while being with their classmates/friends.Also,from my point of view,you kinda grew addicted to her,even though your relationship was so toxic and when I say her I don’t mean specifically her as a ‘’’’’‘friend’’’’’’ but the temporary,superficial and even fake safety being with her provided you.Not because she was great as a person,but because when you were together I suppose she bullied less when you were together with her and you couldn’t make any more friends other than her,so that’s why you were,to put it simply trapped.I am glad it is over for you.And if it is not,if you still catch yourself thinking about her even now or think that people still may be like that to you,I’d suggest going back to your school days and wondering why she was like that,not because of sympathy reasons,but to try to do a ‘breakdown’ of her personality and her behaviour.Why?Because once you understand that,you may get why she wanted to badly for you to be her friend and I repeat,this is by no means a way to excuse her behaviour,but to realize that even the scariest monsters,are not so scary if you draw them bunny ears and put some pink blush on them(if my predictions are correct,this must be the fourth time you are wondering wtf I am talking about).WHAT I MEAN BY THAT:You mentioned that your parents talked to her parents,but the situation wouldn’t change much,if it wasn’t for your teacher’s intervention.What was their reaction like?Did they say anything specific to your parents?I do not know how much her behaviour has affected you and sorry if this is not very pleasant thing to recall,but what I am trying to show you here(if she did affect you)is that  that girl had her ‘reasons’ to act the way she did(unless there was/is some serious medical condition of hers) and not everyone has been though the same as she did so not everyone will/can treat you the way she did(again it does not serve as an excuse or should make your feelings less valid).

As for the girls in the 11th-13th grade,well...The only thing that comes to my mind is jealously.You didn’t say that it was girls AND the boys who talked about you,it was  specifically girls and keeping in mind that you didn’t know them before going to 11th grade(it’s not like the had grudges against you for something,they literally didn’t know you) and the fact that you were two years older aka ‘naturally’ stood out,it was their ‘duty’ to seems as superior.

Also,just a little tip which you can completely ignore ofc,but from personal experience,if anyone speaks about you,don’t try to correct them nor ‘stand up’ for yourself,put them in place etc,especially if it is a group of people and not just one person and I say this for several reasons.Firstly,one of the main reasons that these people talk badly about you,especially if they do it in front of you,is simply,your reaction.If you try to talk back to them them it is going to just fuel their motivation to talk about you even more.Even if you make a ‘valid’ point and say it to them,the chances are it won’t even reach what they call their brain and just laugh at you or even worse,try their physical strength on you...So what to do?Yes,you are right,you are about to hear the most cliche answer for those cases,to not care,or more specifically not give a f*ck about them and their words.Like it is really hard to offend/hurt someone when they don’t give a f*ck about you or your opinion(sorry if i sound too forward or harsh but i genuinely believe this).Besides,people will always talk about anything and anyone and anywhere,so what’s the point of caring about their words,unless they come from someone whose opinion you value?

*As a side note,I cannot not say how happy I actually am to hear how well you did in 10th grade,both academic-wise and relationship-wise (and it even continued in your 11th-13th grade)!(If you think that having only two friends in your last years of school was a very small number,ask yourself:you would like to be friends with anyone else from your class,besides those girls?Like the boys who did nothing?...I don’t think so…)Also,even if you are not talking with the friends you made anymore,that’s okay,because you still didn’t let your  past affect you back then,which is so, /so/ important,so please try keeping this in mind and cheer up on yourself for this!....And now that I think about it,I mean i don’t know if you considered this,but have you thought about messaging someone from school e.g. those two girls?Like do you have a facebook now?How about finding them there and having a light chat with them? (even if it’s been two years).

As for you wanting to get a job and not finding your passion..Well,to be honest I am very weak when it comes to this and honestly the only advice I can give you if trying out new things?You don’t necessary have to do them physically,esp since you mentioned sitting on your laptop for quite a big part of the day.Have you tried learning a new language?Reading a book?Also,if you feel guilty about not looking for a job,how about trying and helping your mom in a different way?Like with the house chores?For example,if she is planning on going to the market you can go with her and help with buying stuff/the shopping bags plus,you will go out a fraction more and maybe meet a new people/have some light conversation with them.This way,you will also beat the anxiety that bubbles up when you try to speak to people/making a phonecall,because again,I am sorry,I am not an expert in this area and the only,most productive way of overcoming this type of anxiety in my eyes is ‘by getting more of it until you get used to it’.By that I don’t mean of course that you should get used to anxiety attacks,ofc not,but start with small talks e.g. with the cashier or your mom’s friend you bumped into in  the shop,and even if your heart will race during the first conversations,after a while,I think you will get used to it,not the heart fastening,but having conversation with strangers and from there the anxiety may fade.

For when you get those sudden motivation rushes,and this goes for anything tbh,i have to say one thing:DONT trust your future self..because if you won’t do it today,you won’t do it tomorrow.Like it is definitely not just you,it is just that our future selves and way lazier than the today’s.And answering your question if “its already too late do you really think you can do something with your pathetic self?” NO!!!!!!Absolutely not,IT IS NOT TOO LATE AND YOU ARE NOT PATHETIC.You are literally 23 years old,you are literally /so/ young!!!Like if anything you are in the perfect age(maybe a little too young even) to get a job!!!Even if you haven’t had your first job yet,23 is still the perfect time to start..and the same goes for 24,25,29...59.I ‘can’ tell you that you can do ‘anything’ at any age,but that won’t be entirely true because money is usually what keeps people back,but if your dream,if your aspiration doesn’t really require huge money investment,then yes,you can do anything at any age and getting a job is one of them.I won’t lie to you it is probably going to get tough and hearing things like “this job requires experience’ or ‘we are looking for someone with the X,Y mark in the A,B subject’ may become a frequent thing but try to not give up if you ever to make some phone calls,but I promise you are going to find something,maybe after the 100 call,but I promise you will (if you want ofc).

Speaking of phone calls,well my friend,if you are scared of (let's put everything you mentioned under the same umbrella and call it)adult things..let me tell you a secret..THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO ADULT THAT HASN’T F*CKED UP or seemed more or less/dump by an office employee/a cashier etc.etc.We all have our first time for everything and being an adult requires lots of those.I am not telling you are going to get things messed up but I am telling you that if you do,that is okay,it is definitely not the end of the world and you 100% not the only who messes/messed up.Btw you are not dumb,esp for not knowing those things,I mean I didn’t even knew you have to calculate the distance between two cards to get a license…(wtf).You are not going to get judged for not knowing all those things,you are not a taxi driver and you are not obligated to know the road in your city(i mean,even they use a gps/ask the passenger for directions) and also there are approximately another 234987239 people who face the same problems/worries as you and the people working in the drivers school know and understand this,so everything is going to be 👍I believe in you!!!!Also a tip if you want for when making a phone call,if you are not sure of how it will go,get a piece of paper beforehand and write all the the things you’d like to ask/are curious about so you won’t forget anything and also during the actual call have a pen next to so you can immediately write down the information you get,so you won’t miss anything they say to you!(I hope this helps!!)

Another thing is that whether one’s gender may be,it still doesn’t mean they are going to a have ‘perfect’ body either and also something thatpeople hide is that this ‘problem’ is not as uncommon as we think it is?And let me tell you that boys also get worried about this issue (having too much leg hair etc.) so if you ever happen to like someone and they like you back,please don’t let this you hold back from showing your feelings.And if someone is an *sshole to you about it,like I said,the door is right there.Those who are worthy will stay.

Um,and btw since I also have the same thing as you(a little bit about the medical aspect) but have you done an ultrasound of your ovaries?Because I used to have a huge cyst and that’s why I couldn’t take the pill,it just simply wouldn’t work(i started taking it only a month ago since it..popped on it’s own).Another thing to check is your tryroid?It can as well cause a hormonal disbalance.Lastly,the pill itself may not be suitable for you,as there are so many of them that work in various ways. (please consider these next time you go to your doctor ;-;).

About you “being an adult who does nothing”,well the word ‘nothing’ itself may carry a different meaning for each person..Second of all,it doesn’t mean that the point where someone starts doing the ‘something’ is the same for everyone.For someone it is when they are 15,for others when they are 45.And just because someone starts later than the others,doesn’t mean their start is less valuable compared to others’.Everyone has their own pace.Also,you might not feel now life seeing a professional,but you may want  in a month or not at all,who knows.And that is also okay(tho i would still suggest mustering all the courage if you feel like this process it taking too long for you(NOT by comparing yourself to others but how it feels to YOU)  and visiting them at least once as a ‘check up’ if you want to call it ;-;)

About you staying at home all day..Well,i think some good ways to change it,if you want to ofc,is to,more or less the things i mentioned before like contacting one of your friends from school or attend a few events like book presentations,open courses,seminars.Like I am suggesting these things from my personal experience because 2 years ago I moved to a new place and practically knew no one,but by attending places like this,i got to meet a few new people who really helped me.Also,another thing that may motivates you to call faster the drivers school is,since the first few weeks focus on the theoretical parts of drivings(driving signs etc.),you are going to be in class aka with other people,prob around your age,so it may come as an opportunity to meet new people or even make new friends.

As for your realization that you cannot feel genuinely proud of someone,from my point of view it is what you said:if you don’t/haven’t experienced a feeling yourself it is really hard to reciprocate it and show it to others.One thing tho that I really want to mention is that the term ‘friend’ is really flexible.A friend may be someone you have been knowing for five years,greeting them everyday with a ‘good morning cutie’,sharing the same desk at school but still never sharing a deep emotional connection with them,so i really don’t think you should feel guilty about not loving the friends you made in school.Like your ‘obligation’ as a friend to them isn’t necessary to love them back to pieces,but be a good friend to them,which is a different thing?A good friend is someone who understands,respects,makes you laugh and I,or anyone else,can go on and on on those trails which appear according to personal taste/views,but if anyone ‘demands’ that you should love every friend you make,I am afraid I’ll have to argue with that.Besides,love in my eyes is too overrated anyways so…

Maybe you felt envious and selfish because after all,you weren’t /that/ close?If you imagine a scale like this:

You may have been closer to points A or B,rather than C,and that is okay.We are not supposed to form deep connections with everyone and that’s why there are so many different kinds of friendships.And I don’t think that you incapable of being genuinely happy/proud of someone-it is just you haven’t met that person yet- and I also do believe that you are,very capable of loving your future boyfriend.

After reading your message hhhhhh  no,i don’t think at all like you behave like an  unhygienic bum ah!!and please teach me how to smile,because i have naturally a resting bitch level 252 so i kinda…’naturally’ repel everyone?...oh well ,anyways,a thing I do think however,is not so much the lack of motivation,as much as lack of confidence?Like hon the way you described yourself will all your nice perfume and eyebrows ,aka more like a soft godness………I know how you it sucks being in that sort of ‘bubble’,the muted phrase,but really,the only way to get out of it in my eyes and also how i got out of it is a)kick the door open in your room and go back to your mom and bro 2)make something from the outer world ‘drag you in’ it constantly aka have some chores to do.Like again,for the drivers school:if you have classes every tuesday and thursday you ARE going to go to them because I know you can,and YOU also know that you CAN do it.Also,I don’t think your mom thinks of you as a failure,because moms are moms and a good mom’s role is to support their child no matter so please do not worry about the emotional aspect.

I am really wishing you the best and I hope you will be able to make those phone calls as you can and go out as soon as you feel like!I really must mention that maybe it won’t be as easy in the beginning and probably not everyone you meet is going to be polite,but i promise you are going to eventually meet nice people.And if you ever catch yourself thinking “why do this,there is no point” or “it’s too late for me to do the x thing” just remember that there IS a point and IT IS NEVER TOO LATE to start something new.Everyone got their ‘first time’s for everything.However,not everyone is doing it at the same time at the same time,so remember that.You can also get a little motivation imo from thinking about your mom and how even your little steps are going to make her and your brother happy.I hope this helps you💕

!!!!aslo a very useful and truthful (thanks to suga-honey-honey ;-;):i'm sorry to butt in on this, but i wanted to point out to anon that when you seemed to 'flourish' in 10th grade the things that were different were the surroundings and the people around you. don't think that there is something wrong with *you*. in 10th grade you were the same you, but you were surrounded by nice people and a positive environment. you can definitely recreate that. you have the potential, once 1 ball gets rolling the others will follow. you'll be okay <3