#serious note since I’ve been realizing that it may not just be autism it may also be adhd

[nightly-ruse]

The fact that ppl can remember things is just wow. Like give me some of your brain power I just need it for a bit

[junkbbykow]

MΣΣƬ ƬΉΣ ЯΣΛDΣЯ!

Hi! I go by Kow! I’m a 2nd generation immigrant with ancestral ties to Jamaica. For occult knowledge and esoteric things I really want to meet practitioners tied with the West Indies. I put that first because it’s something I am very passionate about learning.

I don’t have a specific interest in the occult. I don’t follow any religion or practice. I’m kinda just spitballing nd vibing. I really enjoy divination. I want to be able to use them more. I use tarot to anchor messages. There’s too much nuance I can’t detect intuitively atm. I’m also learning astrology but It’s not anything I want to offer here. I like to discuss it but I’m not a reader in the slightest. I’m very go with the flow and personal with my readings and astrology is just too rigid for me. Which is why I respect astrologers so much.

Most of my posts will have a lot of black people or entirely Black. I don’t see enough of us on tumblr. I’ll probably have pics and stuff with other POC too. I also don’t like excessively posting thin people so I try to a add variety in that as well. I also include all identities too. All my posts (reading or not) reflect that! My posts are also color coded lmao it makes me frustrated if it’s not 😅 Aesthetics are very important to me. I also design most if not all the collages on my page! Including my header ;) I think I’m gonna change it soon tho.

On a more general note, I’m 21 years old, I graduated from college in May and it was a little…anticlimactic. I guess I expected life to change or something lol. My degree is basically how to do business in creative industries. Lmao I’ve been a business nerd since middle school. I work in social media (i promise it’s not that glamorous but i love it) I know ppl say business men aren’t born but swear to gahd I was - Which is the most frightening thing a child could have interest in.

I’m currently doing a lot of tarot and delving into the occult in a more serious note as I prepare the next sector of my life ig. I’m also bored. I’m not a very patient person lmao and simultaneously intolerant of things not meeting my expectations. Oddly high standards which I will probably find an astrological explanation a month from now 😂

I started posting on here about a month ago. I had a friend breakup so I guess I’m filling my time and motivations here. Now this blog is my hobby! You will realize soon that I love film and specially old Hollywood glamour. I love the 60s and generally anything that invokes the feeling of nostalgia. But I also like futurism literally any time period that’s not now…I love lmao. Oh, yea I’m a Rihanna stan. I’m sorry but I love her, but not rlly lmao I just literally only listened to her music for years so much so that I think my development was literally haltered because of it! autism 😌 Why have I ended each paragraph with an emoji

I always put my art second. I think I need to change that tho. I do mixed media art and my main interests are film, fashion, and collage. I’m developing my writing skills now and I might even do music idk yet tho. I’ve been in 2 group shows so far in the past year. I’m more focused on developing my portfolio instead of getting into shows atm tho. Because I didn’t go to art school I feel behind in those areas but I don’t think I would have made it through Art History. I like tho topic but….I don’t want to learn about white ppl all day. But I guess I did that in film history so 🙃.

As you can see I’m all over the place so send questions to my ask box! Or if you have a question about divination, occult, astrology, or whatever! I also know about a lot of fine art stuff so yea

[floragators]

TW Vent: about intrusive thoughts and mental health but on a good note at the end

Since yesterday, I actually decided to look into intrusive thoughts and read about them because as of recently I started to realize I do in fact have intrusive thoughts.

—-

To give some info, I’ve been undiagnosed for all my life, not because I was tested negative but because I never actually went to the doctor to get diagnosed. And let’s just say I had the hispanic childhood so yea I definitely have a lot of things undiagnosed.

And for the longest time, I tried not to label myself as anything because I thought it was very harmful to just say ‘I have this mental illness’ when I’ve never truly been diagnosed. I thought I would just look like I’m being a pick-me for the longest time.

But since then, I found out that being undiagnosed is completely understandable. And that I know me better then anyone and I’m allowed to analyze myself.

I’ve been seeing a lot of videos on my feed pointing out many of my symptoms and signs that I may have ADHD or more. And hilariously so, most of my friends, who either have been diagnosed with ADHD, Anxiety, and Autism, have pointed out how I can very much possibly be undiagnosed.

I’m more certain I have undiagnosed Anxiety and ADHD while I’m still unsure about Autism but I need to look more into that.

—-

Which now brings me to this topic that feels like a nail in the coffin, my unwanted intrusive thoughts.

Obviously I’ve heard of that word due to funny and serious tiktoks but I now found out that is exactly what I’ve been experiencing throughout my WHOLE LIFE. Down to elementary school. And sadly it has only gotten worse as I become a teen.

Whenever I have intrusive thoughts, I always feel disgusted, repulsed, and sickened by the thought of it. I had to live with the guilt that this was me being a sick-minded person and thinking these things were my fault. That it was me being a dirty-minded son of a bitch thinking these things as I constantly tried to push them back.

That was until I found out this was never the case. When I read that article about what intrusive thoughts were and what they weren’t. I cried, I cried in relief and bliss that it was never my fault.

I started looking more into Tiktoks and found that finally being reassured helped me feel so much better. I really needed to know that this was never some fucked up unconscious desires or truth about me but very much the opposite.

I really wanted to talk about this because it had made me feel so much better and just watching those tiktoks make me feel like I wasn’t alone and I cried again.

I know really feel the urge to just have Jonathan reassuring me about my unwanted intrusive thoughts lol.

Vent ends here on a happier note :)

[heraldofzaun]

what are your thoughts on viktor and being neurodivergent? though like, obligatory disclaimer that if riot ever did come out and say that "hey! viktor is canonically [something]" that would be catastrophic but i think it is a little bit of fun for consideration

Oh! Well I like to think he's autistic, which is partially because I am too. (Of course in canon it would be catastrophic because haha, oh man, look at how they've treated Blitzcrank's biographies ever since they gave him an updated one. There's some coding in there, alright, and I am... not a fan...)

I’ve posted a lot of long posts recently (this is no exception) and this is also on a kind of tricky subject, so I’m readmore’ing it.

So anyways, while I have to admit that some of the reason why (my) Viktor is autistic is because I am - I think that you can make a general semi-convincing argument. Or I'm so wrapped up in my own interpretations that I can, at the least. Anyways, from here on out when I say Viktor I mean my personal take. Your mileage may vary on applying this to other interpretations.

(Also, thoughts on new lore Jayce's being kind of coded to be like, a stereotypical autistic dude? (If you have any I mean.) I don't like that Riot is doing it, of course, but I've seen a few good rehabilitative takes on it in fandom. @hamartio's Jayce springs to mind, because their Jayce has been developed over the years and also written by someone who like. Cares. Anyways, I have my own personal Jayce ideas that rely on his old lore so he's not really an asshole there, at least in those regards, so I don't really have many thoughts on new Jayce. I think new Viktor is... pretty coded as well, but it’s also insanely stereotypical. The whole “always working, always wants certainty, gets into automation not because he (primarily) wants to help those injured by catastrophes in Zaun but because the catastrophes interrupt his work” thing makes me uncomfortable. Maybe I’ll write sometime on why the rewrite of his lore fails, in my opinion, to hit upon the same themes of his first - would that be of interest to folks? Anyways, this parenthetical is too long.)

I think that autistic Viktor is cool and makes sense, somewhat because of the fact that the ways he goes about solving his problems are, er, unorthodox. (Of course I am not saying that the GE is because he’s autistic, because that’s stupid. This is why I’m kind of squirrely about talking so openly about what I think Viktor’s got going on, and why I don’t really trust if a non-autistic person headcanons him as autistic. There’s a lot of room for that headcanon to just reinforce the “autistic people are supergeniuses with no emotions that work based off of Facts and Logic” trope, and I hate that.) Since a lot of autism is about feeling adrift from/at odds with neurotypical society, I think that Viktor’s general solutions and also his idealistic leanings in the face of everything Zaun is tracks for that. Roboticization makes sense as a way to stop suffering and death, because it’s more achievable than individual feats of immortality through magic or whatever. Viktor doesn’t really get why people would be so opposed to it - he’s made it clear that while he dislikes his own emotions and wants them gone, he doesn’t expect others to cast off theirs. (Maybe he expected that when he was in the thick of his emotional pain, mostly because he couldn’t imagine others choosing differently than he at the time, but not in the current day.)

Of course, externally, when the scary cyborg man who admits to cutting off his own limbs says “no, being a robot is cool, you can keep your emotions even”, any Zaunite (or any person) is going to interpret that as “he is definitely lying”. Viktor doesn’t quite make that leap. (I have thoughts on the whole Theory of Mind concept and I don’t mean to say that Viktor can’t empathize - he does, and does too much - with others, but I think that in this instance he just can’t quite understand sometimes why people don’t believe him.) He also doesn’t quite get why people would be so attached to the bodies that they’re currently in, especially if he can make a mechanical replica. Or why people might want to die and pass into non-existence after a life well lived. (To him, personally, there’s always more to do. Also he’s terrified of death but that’s another topic.)

I also think that Viktor’s empathy is of the hyper- rather than hypo- kind, partially because I feel like outside of self-advocacy groups the mere concept of autistic hyperempathy is seen as like... impossible? It’s also because he generally seems to be kind of an emotional guy in canon before Stanwick, what with the lore saying that “almost no trace of the original man remained” in reference to Viktor reemerging as someone without emotions. That, combined with the fact that he was described as having a “hope to better society” before everything went down, kind of makes me believe that he was a naive idealist type. (Again, not that autism makes you naive, but...) But yes, hyperempathy. Hence "no pain, no wars, no suffering, no death” being part of his ideology for the Glorious Evolution. He gets pretty ripped up about people being hurt, and it’s really only gotten worse over the years as he’s grasped the full scope of pain in the world.

Personally, I write pre-Stanwick-incident Viktor as someone who is still somewhat awkward with expressing emotion, but it’s not due to him not having them. It’s due to the fact that the ways in which he naturally expressed them and in which he interacted with the world were just... seen as odd/different/etc. (I don’t think Runeterra has an autism diagnosis or particularly excellent psychology, even in Piltover and Zaun, so he just gets the “you’re a weird dude” treatment for his entire life.) Stimming or smiling a certain way or talking a lot about his interests or, you know, the general autistic existence is weird to most people around him, as it unfortunately is in real life. So he’s more reserved until you actually know him, because he’s just masking all the time. (Fun fact about my Viktor: he’s pretty expressive under that actual mask of his. It helps to not have to micromanage expressions all the time when he isn’t experiencing a bout of flat affect due to [gestures vaguely at everything else going on with his mental state], although he sometimes feels poorly about not being able to manage himself. But that’s his issues, and I think it’s good for him to show emotion.)

Side note - Stanwick was able to do such a number on Viktor due to: a) Stanwick being very charismatic and manipulative, on top of being an actually smart man and scientist - he’s really a great example of a “good Zaunite”, in the sense of being good at being what the culture rewards, b) Viktor actively dealing with the death of his parents and Stanwick being an older adult who’d treated him kindly and had never seemed put-off by Viktor’s oddities, and c) Viktor not realizing that he’d get backstabbed, because yes he knows that that happens in academia but Stanwick’s nice. Whether or not the outcomes would have been the same if Viktor were more competent at being “a good Zaunite”... well, probably not. Viktor ended up where he did because of who he is.

(Secondary side note: Viktor has a very strong and very black-and-white sense of what’s right and wrong, as well as general black-and-white thinking. You can see how that would have... not helped in the situations he was put through.)

This is getting kind of rambling, but I guess the point of this is that Viktor’s wanting to remove his emotions may be cloaked in the language of them being “inefficient” or “unhelpful”, which would feed into autistic stereotypes, but it’s really more of a matter of them being too painful and raw for him to process. He feels too much and hurts too much, and no amount of positive emotions in the world will (in his mind) make up for the pain he’s felt and will feel. So it’s better to not feel anything at all, isn’t it? At least then you aren’t overwhelmed by it all.

Viktor just hasn’t fit in with Zaun for all his life, really. Not as an odd child who can tell you all about science-fiction and techmaturgy, not as an odd and reserved teenager/young adult, not as a bright young doctoral student still dealing with grief but trying to make the best of it, and... not as the Machine Herald. But now he’s given up on trying to fit in, for better or for worse.

(Other miscellaneous and less serious autistic thoughts on him: generally a pretty fixed diet, partially due to being autistic but also due to what’s easily available in Zaun + what agrees with his stomach. A fan of weight and pressure - I like to think that the reason his outfit is like that is that he finds it comforting, and also that he has a weighted blanket or two around. Special interests of general techmaturgy, robotics, and science-fiction. He can talk for hours about any of those, and has. Both his parents were mildly spectrum-y, his mother a little bit moreso, so they just kinda assumed that him being him was out-of-the-ordinary and a bit strange but not something “horribly wrong”. Oh! And his third arm, which is under a little less conscious control than the rest of him, still stims sometimes when he’s working or otherwise not paying attention to it.)

This was very long and jumped around a lot, because I find it hard to give a convincing paragraph-by-paragraph argument about exactly why I think that Viktor is autistic, or rather why I headcanon him as such. But hopefully it was interesting! I just have a lot of thoughts on him, as well as the general state of autistic-coded or perceived-as-autistic-by-individuals (both allistic and autistic) characters in media and so it’s very hard to do anything concise without branching out into discussing other topics.

[z00r0p4]

Do you have any episode ideas where they could bring up Eugene possibly being on the spectrum?

I’d go with same general idea I had for Cate’s story. But it doesn’t have to be Cate, per se.

Besides, I’m getting the jist that Eugene and Katrina will foster or adopt another child besides Buck. That’s what they’ve hinted at. So, while it pains me to leave Cate out of the equation, here’s the concept:

Eugene and Katrina look into fostering/adopting another child and eventually find a candidate. The kid is probably much younger than Buck. Maybe 5 or 6. Social services (or whatever) had warned that it was a tough case, but Eugene and Katrina (Katrina especially) felt compelled/called to help this kid in particular.

So they bring the kid home, and things go surprisingly well for a little while. The kid’s got some quirks, of course, but nothing Eugene and Katrina don’t know how to handle. They’re especially tickled at how precocious the child is in the language department (who does that remind you of?). Ofc, it’s not entirely smooth sailing from the get-go, either, as it’s clear that this kid has a lot of trust and abandonment issues going on. And while the kid is clearly very intelligent, there are a host of developmental delays elsewhere. More or less, however, that was to be expected. E & K had done research into it well before they agreed to take on fostering the kid.

So then the kid inevitably has some sort of meltdown. I’m not saying it has to be on the same level as the classical, extremely clichéd “autistic meltdown”, but it’s definitely a meltdown of sorts. Maybe it’s the way something feels, or they become overstimulated in a certain environment and completely shut down. Either way, it’s kind of a big deal— at least, it is for Katrina. Eugene is... oddly unfazed by the whole ordeal, and basically reassures Katrina by saying this was what they signed up for. And he’s not wrong, of course. There’s no doubt about that in Katrina’s mind, but the situation left her searching for some sort of answer.

So, naturally, she goes back to her research. She was well aware of the typical abandonment and attachment disorders often found in children growing up in foster care or neglectful households, etc, but this... felt different. After having the kid stay with them for however many months at that point, there were a variety of things that simply could not be chalked up to an abandonment or attachment disorder. Some of those things would probably include a seemingly ever-increasing amount of physical sensory issues/overstimulation, repetitive self-soothing behaviors (and repetitive behavior in general), and a need for rigid routine (signaling some mental inflexibility).

Katrina’s a teacher at this point (right?), so she’s no dummy. She knows what autism is; she’s probably had autistic students in some of her classes, but even so, so she doesn’t begin to connect the dots until she stumbles across something comparing some of the symptoms of reactive attachment disorder to common traits of autism. So she diverts some of her research into that area, and starts to observe the kid according to those diagnostics. Things start to make sense then.

But something else also becomes apparent.

As she’s making all of these observations and mental notes, she’s referring to Eugene, naturally. “Doesn’t that seem a little odd?” She says to him, after pointing out one of the kid’s repetitive motions or behaviors. He chuckles and responds, in essence: “Don’t be coy, Katrina. Have you not seen me do that before?”

And she realizes that, yes, she has. But it was always written off as one of his many idiosyncrasies.

So she goes back to observing the kid, but she can’t help but notice all of these strange parallels. Eugene’s mannerisms, things he says and does; things he professes to hate, bear a lot of resemblance to the kid’s behaviors and preferences.

One day, she goes on a research rabbit trail about Autism and its relationship to savantism. And she is absolutely shocked at what she finds. Eugene is practically the poster boy for autistic savantism. It’s clear as the light of day; how had she never noticed this before? Furthermore, how had he never noticed this about himself? And what about his foster parents? Teachers? Doctors?

All the while, Katrina is becoming convinced that there’s a good basis for getting the kid tested, so she goes ahead and schedules an appointment. She wants to talk to Eugene about him potentially getting tested as well, but she’s unsure of how to bring it up— especially because, at that point, Eugene is completely unaware that there may be more to himself than meets the eye. He sees the basis for getting the kid tested; there’s evidence to suggest it. But him? He didn’t have meltdowns.

...or didn’t he?

Y’all remember when Eugene experimented on himself and ended up with a serious case of amnesia because the funding for his project was cut? He had to have been absolutely incensed in order to do something like that. Incensed enough to do something that batshit insane.

Yeah. That’s a meltdown, babes.

We didn’t actually get the privilege of hearing what happened the night he experimented on himself, since our knowledge of it comes from secondary sources, but we can imagine how he must’ve felt when we later hear him begging Mr. Whittaker to use everything in his arsenal to try and get his memory back. Katrina literally had to corral him back before he devolved into a nervous wreck. You can argue that he was just emotionally compromised from trying to navigate a life he couldn’t remember, but his response is, in my opinion, directly related to what drove him to act so carelessly in the first place. It’s in his nature to react so strongly to something like that.

Of course, Eugene doesn’t recognize that. And how could he? That is and always has been his reality. He assumes it must be similar for everyone else. And since his meltdowns, or “moments,” as I’d like to call them, don’t involve kicking and screaming or completely shutting down, he doesn’t think there’s any reason to suspect that he may be autistic, but Katrina is only more and more convinced as time goes on.

So from here I’ve got two ideas; Katrina schedules an appointment for him right around same time that their kid gets tested, so they show up to the office, and the psychiatrist (?) calls up a very confused Eugene. Or , the psychiatrist they’re seeing for the kid straight up reccommends he get tested. I could probably go into more detail about that, but this is already literally SOOO long so I won’t be subjecting y’all to any more.

[makeste]

BnHA Chapter 227: Basically Just Me Saying “Holy Shit” a Bunch

Previously on BnHA: We went on a semi-enlightening romp into Toga’s past. Basically she was an adorable child who just so happened to have a taste for blood. And whoever’s job is was to explain to her, “hey Toga, I know you like blood, but other people like being alive, so, you know. Let’s explore some other options for you,” they basically dropped the ball there. So after she murdered her hapless Deku-looking classmate in middle school, she went on the run, and we basically know the rest. Back in the present, Toga had just been blown up from the inside out as you may recall, so she spent most of the chapter kind of out of it. At one point Kizuki even started talking about her like she was already dead, reassuring her that she’d become a martyr for the Army’s cause (which, no thanks). But then Toga managed to stumble to her feet and transform into Ochako as she tried to flee. It was revealed that while transformed, she can use the quirk of whoever she’s turned into, and she proceeded to demonstrate this by floating Kizuki (and half her redshirt goons) a hundred feet into the air before dropping her back down to the pavement. Yeah. So I’m pretty sure she’s dead now. Ah well.

Today on BnHA: Toga passes out in a shed after a job well done. We learn that the MLA is recording all of the fighting, most likely for propaganda purposes because as we have previously established they’re a bunch of dicks. Hanabata confirms that Kizuki is dead and gets the Army all fired up. They charge at Tomura, who is really fucking sleep-deprived you guys, and as he stands there blinking at them he has another flashback. Turns out the little girl from the previous flashback was his sister, and back when they were cute lil munchkins and she was still alive (sob), she showed him a picture of Nana and told him that their grandma was a hero. Tomura doesn’t remember this clearly, but he remembers the accompanying emotions, which is enough to get me hyped out of my mind fyi. Back in the present, Tomura disintegrates I’m-gonna-go-with-about-200 Army henchpeople basically instantaneously without even touching some of them, which, oh shit. And then Dabi is all “oh cool I want to do some mass murder too” but before he can let loose, some dude with fucking ice powers shows up to challenge him. I guess this means we’re never going to get Touya VS Shouto, or if we do it’s going to be very repetitive. But it’s not like I’m complaining either way. Here’s hoping the villain flashback trend continues next week because omfg.

(All comments are my unspoiled reactions from my first readthrough of this chapter like an hour ago lol. I did a quick edit for grammar and clarity, but aside from that this is as close to a live liveblog as I’m going to get. It took two-thirds of a year, but these recaps are finally caught up.)

this is so exciting guys. I mean, for me the reading process is basically the same, but the posting process is going to be a new one since I’ll be trying to get this up the same day once I’ve read it! so you can expect many exciting errors and brain farts! prepare for the full brunt of my unpolished rough draft thoughts!

so anyway, here’s Toga

lol so much to analyze here. real quick:

“sleepy.” if that isn’t the most relatable chapter title in the history of time, though

loving the “my villain academia” logo in the background! as far as I’m concerned that’s the official title of this arc

“the conclusion of the battles” y’all I read this and I was like “what?! already!?!” but then I realized they’re talking about volume 23, which features the conclusion of the joint training battle arc. so who knows how many more villain battlin’ chapters we’ve still got ahead. I have a feeling we’re already winding down, though

note how all of the stuffed animals are stabbed. ah this girl

it’s 2214, who the fuck still uses polaroid cameras. that would be like someone in our time using a [googles inventions from 200 years ago] modern suspension bridge. ...wait

anyway you guys maybe I should start reading the actual chapter already if I want any hope of actually getting this posted before fucking midnight though

oh hey, so Toga is dying in a shed you guys. fun

I’m not really thrilled about this! to be honest! I mean for fuck’s sake she’s only 17. she was blown up from the inside out. and although the consequences initially seemed to have possibly been handwaved, it appears that no one can escape BnHA’s realistic injury clause for long! so. yeah

I get why she hid, because it’s not like the others are just gonna drop everything to come help her (although Twice, though...), and there are enemies everywhere so this is probably safer. but it also means that if she passes out here there’s a good chance she’s not going to wake up again! and that is bad! that is very much not good

what she really needs to do is call Ujiko! hitch a ride out of there while you still can! he is a doctor, right? even if it is the questionable mad scientist type! worst case, you end up as a Noumu. actually, wait a sec, maybe we should think this through

and yet the fact that she’s still laughing, though. just. goddammit. I love her so much. I swear to god Toga if you fucking die...!!

so now she’s curling up in the fetal position and thinking “once again I’ve gotten closer to you”

yeah, Deku really does do this every other week. or he did for a little while at least sob

and now we are cutting to ReDestro who for some reason is monologuing about Toga!

oh right, because he had the cameras and shit set up to livestream that shit

okay but is it just me or is he not looking at any cameras. he’s just enjoying the view from his little observation tower same as before. does his quirk allow him to see everywhere at once or what

is it bad that I barely even paid attention to the actual content of his ramblings lol. it’s just the same old same old. blah blah society rejects anyone who’s different, it’s so unfair, blah blah

it’s not a bad point, mind you; it’s just that RD and his army are completely full of shit and acting like they’re so much better even though they’re just a bunch of mur-diddly-urderers. it’s like how PETA acts like they’re champions of animal rights when really they mostly just kill shelter animals, insult Steve Irwin, and claim that milk causes autism. but I digress sob

oh shit I forgot about this dude

here I was thinking there was only the one other miniboss to go before the big bad. silly me. how could I have forgotten that two page spread and our friend here with the Gorillaz mouth and the Beatles haircut

wow are you serious?

Giran sitting there with one skeptical eyebrow raised thinking about how these guys threatened to kill him in order to lure his friends out so that they could, you guessed it, kill them!

and also, way to completely disregard the dozens of other minions who already bit the dust before Kizuki. like, your entire town is basically doomed, guy. but sure let’s cry for the one dead villain who actually had a name though

holy shit you guys

are you telling me that’s why you were recording the whole thing? is that why you invited the League here in the first place?? for the fucking publicity? kill the bad guys and earn the public’s good will? did I miss that part of the planning sesh, or was this objective already painfully obvious and I somehow either missed it or forgot all about it?

either way it’s amazing how these guys become bigger assholes with each progressive chapter

oh now he’s explaining it all on the next page lol. so I guess I didn’t miss the memo, good

okay but first he’s getting real physical with my boy Giran here though

okay first of all, all he did was say “footage...?” like wth was so fucking impolite about that. and second, why do I get the feeling that there’s probably a fair percentage of people who read this chapter and got to this panel and now suddenly ship it sob

I mean, he just got so up close and personal though. all up in his face. this guy has such a weird energy and it’s really creeping me out now ngl

anyway so here we go with the explanations

holy shit you guyssssssssss

when did Giran get so fucking hot?? and is he single?! asking for a friend???!

anyway so now RD is wiping away his crocodile tears and says Giran is lacking in imagination

oh hey

what an interesting segue back to Tomura!

wow, Spinner’s asking how much longer until Big G wakes up, and Compress says one hour and twenty minutes. so that means they’ve already been at it for like an hour and fifteen minutes! minus however much time it took to warp over and then follow Back-Stab n’ Go out to the center of town for the ambush. even if that took a whole half hour they’ve still been fighting for a long time! but I guess they’re more than used to that by this point, thank you so much Ujiko and your six weeks of brutal endurance training

Spinner’s all “no matter how many we defeat, they just keep on coming!” and I know, dude, it’s almost like there’s over one hundred thousand of them or something dfskdj

although to be fair, probably not every last one of them is actually there. can you imagine. it might take a whole nother hour to beat them all

now Hanabata is driving in on the back of an election van. because apparently he just fucked right off in the middle of his fight with the League, and then came back. with a van

so he’s all “EVERYONE I HAVE SOME DEEPLY SADDENING NEWS” and oh my gosh what is it

oh

yeah dude we already been knew. RIP and all that

so the crowd is all distressed and asking what the Supreme Leader said

really?? that’s what they call him?? yeah you guys aren’t evil at all

and Hana quotes, “‘do not let her sacrifice be in vain’“

sorry bruh. but. it’s gonna be in vain. hate to break it to you

right??

GASP

TWICE STOP BEING AWED AT HANABATA’S INFLUENTIAL AURA AND START PAYING ATTENTION TO THE DUDE WHO’S SNEAKING UP BEHIND YOU AND TRYING TO SNATCH YOUR MASK OFF

anyway so in the meantime this is happening

maybe there are 100k of them. seems like there’s a lot. I do like that from this angle it appears that Tomura and the others have holed up in a relatively narrow alley, thus creating a choke point and limiting the number of enemies who can attack them all at once. although this panel does make it look like there’s just a big ol’ wave of bad guys surfing their way towards them though, so it remains to be seen how effective this strategy will actually be lol

eh?

yeah no shit boy you’ve been fighting Daruk from BotW for the last month and a half

anyway so apparently he’s feeling ~weird~ though

I shit you not guys, my sister was hospitalized a couple months back (she’s fine now) because she started hallucinating after a three-day bout of insomnia. shit is no joke. don’t be like Tomura. go to bed and don’t stay up all night fighting villains

-- OH SHIT!?!

ASDFALSDFHLKSDHLFKJHAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

IT’S A LITTLE GIRL!! AND SHE’ S OPENING A SECRET DRAWER!!

SHE’S ALL “IT’S OUR LITTLE SECRET!” OH MY GOD

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

SWEET JESUS MARY JOSEPH!? HORIKOSHI DO YOU FUCKING READ THE THEORY POSTS ON TUMBLR JUST SO YOU CAN IMMEDIATELY SHIT ON THEM TWO DAYS AFTER?? HOW THE FUCK

AND IS NANA’S SON WEARING DEKU SHOES?? OH MY GOD PLEASE

AND THIS MEANS THE LITTLE GIRL IS ACTUALLY TENKO’S SISTER SOBBBBBBBBB NOOOOOOOOOOOOO

BUT ON THE PLUS SIDE THIS MAKES TOMURA MUCH MORE LIKELY TO GO APESHIT ON AFO’S ASS IF HE COMES TO REALIZE THAT AFO INDIRECTLY MURDERED HIS SISTER OH SHIT

BUT SHIT YOU GUYS, SHE’S SO CUTE AND SHE’S FUCKING DEAD NOW SOB THAT’S SO FUCKING HORRIBLE I MEAN IT I’M REALLY UPSET THOUGH

BUT LET’S CONTINUE WITH THE FLASHBACK TO SEE IF HORIKOSHI WANTS TO TOY WITH MY EMOTIONS ANYMORE!!

NANA DIDN’T DO A GOOD ENOUGH JOB ERASING ALL TRACES OF HER CONNECTION TO HER CHILD AND IT EVENTUALLY RESULTED IN HIS DEATH OH SHIT. I’M SERIOUSLY SO UPSET ABOUT THIS??

NOTE HOW BABY TENKO’S FACE IS PURPOSELY BLACKED OUT EVEN THOUGH (A) HIS SISTER’S IS NOT, AND (B) WE SHOULD, IN THEORY, ALREADY KNOW WHAT HE LOOKS LIKE! IT’S BECAUSE HE DOESN’T HAVE THE SCARS OR THE WHITE HAIR YET CUZ AFO HASN’T WIPED HIS MEMORIES. [nods sagely as though I have any sort of proof of this whatsoever and it’s not all just wild speculation and conjecture]

HANAAAAAAAA oh shit I better come up with another nickname for Hanabata then. looks like it’s Back To The Full Name for you mister

!!?!?!?

okay you guys I think this is intentional misdirection. we’re meant to believe that Tenko’s dad was perhaps abusive and that his behavior toward his son ultimately triggered the awakening of his quirk and led to all of the subsequent Horrible Things happening

but I think what it actually is is that Tenko’s dad probably resents Nana for giving him up. and maybe Tenko wanted to know more about her and maybe he got in trouble for it? because now Hana is showing him the picture, and then talking about this mysterious conversation with their dad and saying she’s on Tenko’s side. so that’s my bet

anyway! but this means Tomura might not need as much convincing as I previously speculated! I figured he probably wouldn’t know much, if anything, about his grandma even if he did somehow get his memories back, because he was only four when all that shit went down, and Nana had parted ways with Tomura’s dad years ago. but if he actually did know a bit about her and even possibly felt a connection with her, as this flashback suggests, that could go a long way towards fueling his eventual breakaway from AFO’s side once All Might is able to explain the truth

ahhhhh you guys this is exciting I’m excited. though also still very sad though because wtf seriously

so Tomura’s tiredly thinking that the least his stupid memories could do is show him the whole picture instead of these fragments. “it’s like a broken tape recording or something��

HOLY SHIT

...I have no words. holy shit

anyone else getting flashbacks to the Highway to Hell though? what is it with Tomura and periodically pulling off the most badass stunts in the whole fucking manga. all because he didn’t get his nap dsflkjlk

ReDestro look at this loss of life. are you crying again. no, I can’t imagine that you are. you ass

you guys are probably getting tired of me just going “holy shit” over and over, but

hooooooooooooly shit

guys, if Tomura can dust people without even touching them he might as well just change his name to fucking Thanos and we’d better start praying this kid gets redeemed and soon

so now there’s a panel of Tomura being all drooly, and honestly he looks like he’s about to pass out. not sure if this is intended to be a glam shot or what lol

ohhhhSHIT

YESSSSSSSSSSS DABI. DRACARYS

!LKJDSLFKJLSDKJF!!

OH SHIT YOU GUYS, IT LOOKS LIKE WE’RE ABOUT TO GET ALL A SONG OF ICE AND FIRE UP IN THIS BITCH

who is this weird little black mage. I’ll tell you one thing, he’s the only guy I’ve seen so far who’s actually dressed appropriately for fucking December weather, though, so good on him

will he defeat our boy Touya (spoilers, he won’t)? will Touya have some flashbacks of his own (TOUYA PLEASE), since that seems to be what all the cool kids are doing these days? will I lose my fucking shit all over again next week? stay tuned! but yes I absolutely will, oh jesus this is awesome

[frost-skyder]

Gaslighting, homophobia, harassment, etc.

This is a copy of a journal that was/is on deviantArt since the incident happened there, but I’m putting some of my records here when it involves harassment and art theft.

Warning: This includes harassment towards minors by a predatory adult, homophobic behavior, gaslighting, and other predatory behaviors.

Another Update:

Archived here for better viewing:

https://web.archive.org/web/20190704135920/https://www.deviantart.com/haleyc7995/journal/Harassment-and-Discrimination-About-My-Opinion-802306133

It’s one thing to harass me, but going out and threatening others isn’t okay.

Update, a freaking year later:

https://www.deviantart.com/haleyc7995/journal/Everyone-report-this-journal-for-harassment-802227692

Apparently I'm part of the LGBT+ Mafia because I said it's homophobic to go out of your way to say our existence is wrong? Not sure where they got that idea but they chose to dig up this old warning journal since they were harassing Queer people, and apparently think it's still okay to do so. 

 Also going to note that trying to use neurodivergency as an excuse for our actions isn't okay and is ableist, basically spitting in the face of other neurodivergent people. 

---

OH WAIT THERE'S MORE!

This guy has sexually harassed minors. Also much more disgusting rhetoric than I expected in stamps but also in other comments towards minors. Please be advised of the explicit comments when clicking on this journal.

[Journal redacted by minor]

It's one thing for him to harass me, another adult, but to sexually harass and target minors is beyond disgusting, and illegal. If anyone wants an example of what a predator is, here it is.

---

Nvm, not last update.

Due to more and more people coming forward, I'm going to keep updating this journal, and adding links provided to me. I'm going to state that I'm so, so sorry to all of those who have been harmed by the three perpetrators in this journal. Hopefully from awareness comes prevention of further victims.

It was also brought up to me that my journal skin was causing issues for mobile users, so since this journal is very serious in nature, I have removed it so no matter what platform it should be legible.

This Journal is being added because it provides more information. TW (Rapey Rhetoric, body shaming, harassment, etc)

[Journal removed]

---

Last Update (hopefully): Due to the garbage he keeps posting, I decided to block both his accounts because he's just rehashing what others have said about him, and now pinning it on victims lmao. When I told him I didn't tolerate how he was sexually harassing women and belittling sexual assault victims, apparently I'm the one harassing trauma victims now?? 

For the record...the only person I've blocked is him, which makes it funnier, but okay Chad™

Also going to state that being neurodivergent is not a justification for marginalizing others, ever, and is a spit in the face and throws other neurodivergent people under the bus. As I said, most of my friends with autism are in the LGBT+ community, and a majority of my friends are neurodivergent in general. So am I. It's never an excuse to marginalize others,

ever.

Apologies to everyone who had to deal with him, his nonsense, and has to deal with people like this in general.

And sorry, but marginalized groups speaking out against people actively trying to harm and oppress them isn't and will never be fascism. Thank you for coming to my TED talk.

---

Very, very IMPORTANT Edit:

It is fairly easy to tell, but EmpatheticDesign is the same person as GrandtheftAutoOnline, and uses the duo of accounts to block evade.

I was made aware by others spreading my journal that this person is known for this behavior, has harassed others in the past, and belittled victims of trauma, including rape victims. It's one thing to be a homophobic garbage pile, but to go out of your way to harm and belittle those who have suffered through serious trauma? So yeah, please let others be aware so they are not harassed as well.

Edit: The second journal was removed at the request of the victim, who didn't want to associate with their abuser, or be found again. I was allowed though to give some details about what happened, so I think it's best that I post a screenshot of our notes, censoring the names.

 https://www.deviantart.com/uwugirls/journal/Stay-safe-guys-749736306

At this point, it's beyond just harassing the LGBT+ community, and they seem to harass, sexualize, and belittle victims and women in general. Please be aware of this and stay safe.

Triple Edit: The person mentioned below, EmpathicDesign proceeded to post homophobic garbage on other people's posts so yeah, they kind of just admitted to be homophobic which is why they are so bitter lmao.

Double Edit: Apparently pointing out homophobes is facist now lmao. This was a great magnet for homophobic garbage so y'all can also block GrandTheftAutoOnline while you're at it, since they are trying to compare facism and oppression to someone pointing out homophobia. Clearly they don't know what facism actually is, what oppression is, and just want to justify hate speech without consequences.

Edit: I'm going to put this here so others know to also bock/avoid this person, who has made a variety of stamps targeting the LGBT+ community, and decided to think it was a smart idea to defend this person's discriminatory and phobic behavior as an "opinion."

Suuuure it isn't...

Then this lovely stamp shows they don't even know what "safe" spaces refer to whatsoever and they'd just rather shame Queer folk. Ya know, besides trying to avoid admitting that they are just phobic.

So yeah, here's another person that blatantly discriminates if you want to add to your list of "people that don't deserve any of your time." ------

Being gay myself, and having to deal with this on far too consistent of a basis, I thought I'd do my part to warn others so they can avoid some of this in their lives.

Apparently HaleyC7995 has done these things before, but I wanted to warn others who are Queer and may want to block people who go about spewing homophobic rhetoric.

I don't suggest going to her profile if you are sensitive to fat fetishizing, vore, and sexualization of a potential minor character (the character is in high school so there is a large possibility that they are a minor). Also racist depictions of characters.

People tried to explain why what they were saying wasn't okay, how it was homophobic, but she turned it around to blame the victims for her actions and other inappropriate behavior. She continued to say she was "misunderstood" about what she said, despite multiple times saying how being gay was "wrong" and overall seems quite content continue to say such things.

 It started by saying something unnecessarily homophobic on an art piece, then when the artist made a status saying how people needed to stop being homophobic at them, they posted this on that status:

As you can see here, many people expressed how this was innapropriate:

 https://comments.deviantart.com/62/13481362/4588682762 

Apologies to the artist who was subjected to this person. You aren't the first victim, and hopefully you will be one of the last. For those who aren't Queer and don't realize this yet...you can't "turn" gay. She for some reason acts as if it's a choice lmao. 

And well, many people reacted angrily, and she decided to "apologize" which wasn't an apology at all, but once again shifting blame and saying that it was just her "opinion." 

 For future records, hate speech isn't considered an opinion. It's hate speech and bigotry. An opinion is that I don't like raisins in my carrot cake because they make the cake texture gross. 

Credit to this person who tried very, very hard to explain why this wasn't okay. This had to be the most patient person trying to explain why homophobia isn't an opinion. 

 People continued to be mad, because well...the obvious lack of empathy, blaming others, and continuing to persist with the idea that being gay was wrong and a sin. 

Other people tried a well, especially those who have dealt with this person before she was banned on a previous account. She was ban evading for a while but it seems the accounts were unbanned now.

 She continues even with me to say she's "unaware" of what she's doing. It's obvious she's not, and at this point she gets very gaslighty and trying to flip it once again on everyone else. 

I was blocked after this so I couldn't respond, though as an angry gay person I had choice words. Unfortunately, due to how she's behaving, and how she has a history to blame everyone but herself for her own actions, I don't expect she'll be changing anytime soon. If you are Queer, have Queer friends, or just are very tired of blatant phobic behavior I'd just suggest blocking her. She's not willing to change or learn, but that doesn't mean we have to subject ourselves to hatred.  I am so sorry for those she's already caused harm to, for those who tried so hard and had to put up with this, and for those who have had to deal with her even before this incident.

[destroyyourbinder]

dealing with binding damage/pain

I had a reader ask this question a month or two back and I just realized I never answered it! Since I've been on the topic lately I wanted to give them a response:

So I came to terms with my sexuality after identifying as ftm, and binding for three years due to internalized homophobia (luckily didn't change my body more than that because my parents are extremely conservative). Any advice with dealing with chest pain/tissue damage when no longer binding?

Hey there-- I'm really glad to hear that you've come to terms with being a lesbian; it's a long journey for a lot of us, and although it's definitely not over once you recognize you're "just gay" after all, it often opens your life up to possibilities you thought were forever closed. Once you've settled in, in my experience at least I've found it to be a big fucking relief in a lot of ways.

The advice I'd give you is really contingent on what kind of damage you suffered, where the pain is currently and what in particular exacerbates it, what you're currently doing with regards to wearing garments on your upper body, whether you also have posture changes due to slouching/binding, and how far out you are from when you've stopped binding. I'm going to write to a general audience both because I don't actually know what you're experiencing, because you might be unsure yourself or not realize something you're experiencing is related to binding-related (or dysphoria-related) issues, and because I think a lot of female people could benefit from this discussion. One of the resources I want to link you to is a 2017 study that I think I've reblogged a couple times now, called "Health impact of chest binding among transgender adults: a community-engaged, cross-sectional study" which is I think the only research piece that we have to have systematically examined negative health outcomes of breast/chest binding practices. I'd advise anybody binding or with a history of binding to look through this study to educate themselves on the risks and prevalence rates of a number of health issues commonly caused by or associated with binding. Not everyone knows or is willing to admit that certain issues they are experiencing could be binding-related so just simply having this information is a good start. You can find the study linked here for free: https://transfigurations.org.uk/filestore/binding-project-postprint.pdf I also want to preface this with the plea to please take seriously anything you're experiencing; I know it's a chronic myth in the trans community and in gender non-conforming female circles where people might bind that there is a level of binding that is "safe" or at least significantly "safer". Although your problems can escalate the more time you spend binding (whether measured in hours per day, the frequency with which you bind, or how much time total you've spent doing binding practice) or with certain binding practices (like using ace bandages or duct tape, "double binding", or using too much compression) binding can cause certain problems near-immediately, such as muscle aches or other musculoskeletal related pain, shortness of breath, and skin issues. Serious binding-related problems, like rib movement or decrease in lung capacity, can occasionally happen very quickly, i.e. within a few months of beginning binding regularly, even following generally well-regarded harm-reduction practices for binding.  I sometimes read of people who doubt that binding could have hurt them because they "only" bound for such-and-such a period of time or "only" with a commercial binder, and who seem to refer to some mythical lumberjack trans man who wears his binder 12 hours a day in the timberlands and has no problems, or at least just bears them through his beard with no complaint, as the gold standard for binding. I know for many female people bearing the pain and body issues that come with binding is considered a hallmark of masculine identity and that your right to name your distress as gender dysphoria is often in question if you decide that the costs of binding are too high for you. There is a very nasty arms race to the bottom in trans community sometimes about who is the absolutely most dysphoric and the absolute manliest, and if you don't think that any horrible level of nihilistic self-destruction is worth it to ward off the prospect of Really Being a Girl then you run the risk of losing this terrible game. I want to begin my discussion of binding risks and known problems with this because most of us struggle with this mentality in some form, at some point, and choosing to prioritize taking care of our bodies in a very basic way over doing what our dysphoria tells us is necessary to make it go away can be extremely difficult, to the point we may deny that we have anything happening with us that we need to take care of at all. Listening to your body will take a lot of time when all you could hear at one point was how gross, humiliating, disturbing, and wrong it was. It's a lot like learning to communicate with a species of animal you've never had to interact with intimately and that maybe you're repulsed by, like a rat (which are perfectly wonderful creatures, by the way). That all out of the way, the first question I want to ask is this: are you having any problems with breathing, your lungs, or general respiratory problems you suspect are related to binding? This is probably one of the most serious problems some people have with binding and is not something I feel comfortable advising on given that it can be extremely medically serious and life-limiting. Problems frequently cited are general shortness of breath, chronic wheezing or coughing, feeling deprived of oxygen especially when exercising, and feeling like you have fluid in the lungs. These may be more serious if you smoke, are being exposed to environmental allergens, or have a pre-existing respiratory issue like asthma. I did not experience this but would definitely direct you to seek advice from a medical professional if you are having lingering issues of this nature.

Binding is also known to cause permanent rib changes-- serious and/or chronic chest or back pain should probably warrant a trip to the doctor. Broken and cracked bones are possible from binding practices, or from becoming injured while binding. If you're experiencing intense or odd pain you may have also pushed your ribs out of alignment to hit an internal organ or compress a nerve. Some symptoms, including ones like gastrointestinal issues, can indicate that you have altered the position or function of organs contained inside your rib cage or that compression is affecting their ability to work properly. If you suspect this is going on I also don't feel comfortable advising you to do anything else but seek medical advice.

Costochondritis is a common symptom that people who bind experience. It is an inflammation of the cartilage that connects your ribs to your sternum (the center bone in your chest) and is something that I experienced even when just wearing tight/multiple sports bras. I had it off and on the entire time I wore bras or used a binder and it ranged in painfulness from mild to so-intense-I-had-trouble-breathing. It is usually a temporary condition, but it can reoccur continually over time to various degrees of intensity. I usually waited out the times it occurred more mildly, but if it's severe you may need a course of steroids to decrease inflammation (as I did twice in my late teens/early twenties). You can usually tell that you have it instead of some sort of more medically serious chest pain if you poke your ribs towards the center of your chest and the pain feels both external and shoots up dramatically. If you aren't sure whether the pain is located in your ribs or elsewhere, you should probably get things checked out to make sure you don't have a heart or lung issue from binding or otherwise. Another thing I want to mention is that you can very easily sprain or pull muscles from getting in and out of binders or moving around in them, especially if you're moving around vigorously or exercising. This should also generally be temporary and can be treated in the same way you usually would treat any muscle injury (rest, heat/cold, gentle stretching and movement) but even if you stop binding, look out for continuing symptoms from any serious pulls or strains you might have incurred while binding. Wrenching your neck in particular can result in lingering issues. It might make you feel stupid to admit or think about, but "dumb" injuries like pulling your shoulder while getting a stuck binder off are mechanically the same as any other injury, so keep an eye out. A lot of pain you might experience while binding or even years after binding has to do with your muscles-- this can be from binding directly from the way a binder/bra exerts force on your chest and shoulders, from range of motion issues from being constricted in a binder or from compensating for binding pain, or from chronic posture issues from hiding your breasts. I also want to note, because they're so common in trans and gender non-conforming female people, that autism in particular but other neurodevelopmental disorders can change your posture in weird ways, and your sensory feedback is likely atypical or not fully integrated so you might have odd ways of moving that aren't necessarily mechanically optimal. All these things together can lead to chronic pain throughout your body-- obviously most people talk about pain in the upper back, chest, shoulders, and neck-- but chronic jaw pain or headaches are a potential issue from tightness or referred pain from lower down, and compensating for upper body tension, motion issues, or pain can lead to changes in the position or motion of the lower back, hips, or legs which can lead to tightness and pain. I unfortunately have both lingering issues in my chest, shoulders, and back and a host of posture-related pain issues even over two years after stopping binding, due to ways that I compensated for wearing compression constantly on my chest (I would wear sports bras even to bed) and ways I changed my body posture to prevent "looking female". I have a slouch about as bad as what’s-her-face, as most trans men I have met also do regardless of whether or not they're post-mastectomy, and although it’s gotten better with mindful practice and lack-of-binder I am still totally not where I want to be. There are many physical therapy resources out there that are now publicly available online-- on resource websites as well as YouTube-- and regularly stretching using these strategies has basically held my body together this whole time through several physically intense jobs. I personally use a set of stretches for headaches, and a number of sciatica stretches, calf stretches, and trapezius-focused stretches that I found all over the internet. There is also a tumblr thread here (not all of which is posted on my blog, please check the notes) where another woman who experienced binding damage solicits advice and many people offer suggestions for binding-pain related stretches and exercises. I also made a DIY foam roller out of a 2-ish foot stretch of 3 inch PVC pipe and some squishy shelf liner that I glued around the outside, and I have a DIY rice bag I pop in the microwave for use as a heating pad. I have also found that regularly taking omega-3 oils helps mitigate the level of inflammation and pain my muscles can reach; I take algae-based oils because I am vegetarian but if you eat fish, regular fish oil pills will work just as well. If you are still wearing a supportive bra or have chosen to deal with stopping binding by stopping everything your muscles will not have learned to support your chest yet, especially if it's large. If you quit all chest-supporting garments cold turkey or go to only very minimal chest support after binding you might have a lot of pain initially. My general chest and breast pain has substantially decreased after 2+ years of being without a bra or binder, so it's worth a shot or two to learn to do this, but you will have increased pain initially until your body adjusts. It was both my actual chest muscles, wall, and ribs that hurt as well as my breasts (something that might be obscured by dysphoric-friendly language about "chests") but once my chest and shoulders became sufficiently built, my breasts "sagged" appropriately to hang where they were comfortable, and I adjusted to the sensory input of feeling the weight on my chest, I was ultimately more physically comfortable than I ever had been in bras or binders. The pain was not easy to get through-- it was sometimes excruciating-- but now I can do anything I could do previously with a bra or binder without one, including run. If you are in this position I recommend upper body exercise or introducing regular upper body work into your daily life; this will help you build muscles appropriately and learn to move your body in a mechanically optimal way. It does simply just take time if you are attempting to adjust to minimal or no compression on your chest, and stepping down more gradually can help (such as by wearing athletic compression wear, which I have a guide about here). But it took me probably about a full year before I no longer had this sort of pain, and about another year or so before it felt fully "normal". I talked more about the process of stopping wearing bras and what it felt like in this thread, if anyone is interested in knowing more. On the topic of changes to skin and tissue: sores, infections, skin damage, and so on are common from binding, especially if you are large-chested. I still have some mild issues with this in the summer, as many people do, when I sweat a lot and various fungal and bacterial microorganisms can easily proliferate. This should resolve itself over time if you wash regularly with a gentle antibacterial soap or cleanser, keep the area between and under your breasts dry, change your clothes daily, and try to wear loose-fitting clothing. But as always, anything that won't go away for weeks, or that is resulting in skin breakage, swelling, or sores, should be addressed by a doctor. My breast tissue did change from binding with a binder, and my breasts became more "floppy" and "soft". I gained more stretch marks than I had already had. I suspect I am more prone to breast pain than I was previously, and my nipples and breast skin have little conscious registry of sensation, but I don't know if that came from binding, either with a binder or bras. But to my knowledge most changes to your breasts from binding are largely "cosmetic". I have not heard word from anyone that this damages your breast as an organ, but then again most people who bind usually do not breastfeed. Stories by trans men who kept their breasts and became pregnant indicate that their breastfeeding is relatively normal, but we simply do not have the data to know how binding might affect breast function. I do not know either if you're more likely to do something to the breast tissue by binding which could increase the likelihood of any medical issue in particular or create the opportunity for pain. Mine are definitely "saggier" to some extent and have gotten even "worse" post-binding, but as I've noted this has not been a bad thing, because I do not wear a bra any longer and my breast tissue now hangs in a way that allows me to move without pain. Finally, I just want to mention there are a lot of emotions that you might feel from having binding damage in a similar way that anyone who did something to themselves in the name of transition or dis-identification might. I sometimes personally feel extremely stupid for having done what I did, and that makes it even harder to deal with pain or other physical issues, even though it was understandable that I reached for binding to cope with my feelings at the time. I also feel extremely stupid and conflicted about my values a lot of the time given that I still have impulses to go back to binding even though I know that it hurt me and I don't actually want to begin again. I feel really angry about how my body was sexualized at a young age and how my family and doctors dealt with my early puberty, about how my family chose to humiliate me for being neurotically "modest" instead of supporting me through something difficult. Sometimes I feel really bad about quitting binding or for having to quit because of pain because I feel like I was "proving" right people who criticized it or my impulse to hide my breasts for the wrong reasons, or even that they are right because I "deserve" the pain I feel as a result of trying to avoid my body. I feel exposed and ashamed a lot about my breasts, and it's been hard to cope with the effects of binding damage realistically in a way that values my not-being-in-pain when I'm also trying to manage dysphoric feelings. I feel messed up that I felt "validated" about having and using a binder and that I tried to ignore how much pain it put me through in favor of hoping that it would facilitate me some day achieving some ultimate male-like body state where basically I couldn't suffer anymore. These are all varieties of normal feelings to feel, and I just want others to know that it makes sense if you feel stuff like this. Re-centering on taking care of yourself and your body takes time if the feelings are really intense, but it's worth getting back to focusing on what you actually value-- your health, your functioning, and so on-- even if it takes a while, and you don't have to immediately ignore or push past what you feel to "get better".

[lickthemagaindeacy]

Don’t Believe All You Read In The Bible

Inspired by this post.

I started wondering about some of the relationships Freddie would have with his bandmates’ kids, now that they’re all adults, what kind of influence he might have had in their lives. And I got to thinking about the fact that, even though he never met Freddie, Cameron Deacon has spoken about how he holds Freddie in such high regard, and considers him a hero and an LGBT+ icon. This promptly poured out of me.

Some notes: It just felt appropriate to me that Freddie would be Cameron’s godfather for this lil story. I’ve heard that John named Freddie godfather of one of his sons, but I don’t know if this is true. All details referenced about Cameron (religion, sexuality, his admiration of Freddie) are things he has spoken openly about on his YouTube channel, one of which is the fact that he has very high functioning autism, which is the reason behind some of the details about social cues and touch.

This is pretty angsty, with a healthy dose of fluff, and a bit lengthy. Gets a little in depth about religion, they are my own opinions, and not necessarily the opinions of anyone mentioned in this post. I do not begrudge anyone their faith, but church is not my cuppa. If you feel the need to be defensive and @ me, then just go home now. Title comes from the Queen song “Great King Rat”. Takes place approx 10 years ago, Cam would have been around 15. Reminder: THIS IS A WORK OF FICTION. I wrote this as catharsis for myself, but I REALLY hope some of y’all like it, too.

Freddie sits alone in the studio, glasses perched upon his nose, staring  down at a sheet of paper with more scratches over it than words, attempting to decipher what might be usable of the blotches and scribbles over its surface. He runs a hand through his thinning hair, which is more silver than raven these days, on the verge of giving up for the day, when a knock comes at the door.

"Come in," he calls, reaching for his drink and taking a sip. He looks up to see who has relieved him of his task, a sarcastic “thank you“ on his lips, when he sees the youngest Deacon standing just inside the room, looking nervous enough to pass out at any moment. "Darling?" he calls softly, and Cameron jumps slightly, before releasing the breath he had been holding. "Cam, dear, what's wrong? Come, sit and talk to me, you look ready to hit the floor."

Cameron shuffles over to the couch opposite the mixing desk Freddie is sat at, not once looking up at his godfather, and falls gracelessly onto the cushions. Freddie passes over his drink, and the teen takes it with a shaking hand, finally glancing up to the older man's face.

"You look like you could use a little liquid courage, darling. Shh, I won’t tell your father if you won't," he whispers conspiratorially, leaning closer. When this fails to get a reaction from his godson, Freddie hastens to add, "Unless, of course, you'd prefer tea. I could whip you up a cuppa quick-" he cuts himself off when Cameron knocks back the drink in one go, wincing slightly, before handing the glass back to Freddie. "Alright then. Now, darling, care to tell me what has you looking like you've just seen a ghost?"

Freddie comes to sit on the couch next to his godson, not touching him, afraid that he'll spook him, but close enough the teen can feel and hopefully take strength from his presence.

"Uncle Fred, how long have you and Uncle Jim been together now?"

The man had not expected the topic of discussion to turn to himself, but if it got the boy talking, he would gladly go along with it.

"Oh dear, well, longer than you've been alive, that's for certain. Around thirty years now, I suppose." He gazes at his godson’s profile, dying to know what has the darling boy so upset, but unwilling to push further. He allows Cam to control the conversation entirely.

“And you love each other, right?”

“Of course we do, darling. Just as sure as the sun rises in the east every morning.”

“How have you stayed strong for so long? How have you not fallen apart?” the boy asks, before looking up at Freddie, eyes widened in slight horror. “I’m sorry. Was that too far? Was that rude? I’m trying to get better about realizing what things are appropriate but sometimes I still slip--,” Freddie cuts the boy off by placing his arm softly around his slim shoulders and pulling him close, placing a reassuring kiss to soft brown hair.

“My love, I am in no way offended. You are family, I don’t mind you asking about things like this,” Freddie assures his godson, pulling back to look at the boy’s face. “Of course we’ve had our fair share of troubles, of fights and shouting matches, just as any couple would. But I must ask you, what has brought this on? You never seemed so curious about this before.”

Cameron takes in a deep breath and holds it for a moment, before letting it out in a rush. “Well, no, I-I suppose that’s just because you’ve always been there. You’ve always been Uncle Fred and Uncle Jim, just like Uncle Bri and Aunt Anita. I guess I’ve...been doing a lot of thinking lately and I--that is to say, I think--” Freddie rubs his hand up and down his godson’s shaking shoulder, silently offering reassurance that he will not be judged for whatever he has to say. “Uncle Freddie, I th-think I’m like you. Like you and Uncle Jim.”

The older man had already cottoned on to what the boy had come to him for, but still could not keep himself from sweeping Cam up against his chest, forgetting that touch was sometimes not welcome to the boy, especially if he was upset. Luckily, he welcomed physical comfort from Freddie as much as from his own parents, and when he did not pull away, Freddie pressed his lips again to soft brown hair, whispering reassurances and calming words as he felt Cam begin to shake with sobs. He sat there wrapped around his godson as the catharsis washed over the boy and the tension left his body in the form of tears. Freddie knew as well as anybody how much good a nice cry could do for a person. His own thoughts and emotions swirled around his head as they held each other. Unconditional love for his godson, excitement and pride that the boy would confide such a thing in him, a small amount of fear, for even though it is the 21st century, the world could still be just as cruel to people like them as it was 40 years ago.

After a good ten minutes, Freddie finally felt Cameron’s breathing begin to slow and even out, and he readjusted, bringing his hand under the boy’s chin to tilt his face up. He beamed, the full, uninhibited smile that he still did not much like showing to the public, and wiped the boys tears with soft fingers.

“Deep breaths, my dear. Oh I am so proud of you, you brave beautiful boy.”

Cameron peered up at his godfather, taking in his words as he saw the truth of them reflected in the man’s dark eyes. “Really?”

“Of course I am! Do you think that I, of all people, don’t understand precisely how you are feeling?”

Cam looks down again, scuffing his shoe against a tear in the studio’s old, worn carpeting. “I don’t mean to doubt you Uncle Freddie, it’s just...”

Freddie could tell there was something more serious bothering the boy beside him. “What’s wrong, dear? There is something else bothering you, isn’t there? You know you can tell me. I would never dream of judging you for it.”

“It’s just...I know everyone doesn’t think like you do. I am terrified that some people, who I admire and care for very much, may find out and not think of me the same way anymore. What if it changes their opinion of me? What if they want nothing to do with me anymore?

Freddie’s overworked brain immediately jumps to conclusions, and he sees red. “Did your father say something to make you think--?”

Cam’s head snaps up so quickly Freddie swears he hears a crack. The boy’s eyes are wide with panic again as he stumbles over himself to correct the situation. “What?! No, no he never--That’s not what I meant at all!!”

Freddie feels his shoulders sag, releasing tension he had not realized was building. He squeezes the boy’s shoulder and shushes him gently. “Shh, dear, it’s okay. I should never have made such an assumption, I’m sorry. Although I am glad of the reassurance that John still has his head screwed on the right way about that. He may be one of my favorite people in this universe, and I may not be as young as I once was, but I am still willing to knock his ass down a peg or two if needed.” By now Cameron is laughing, unrestrained, and Freddie feels affection for the lad swell inside his chest again.

Once he has regained his composure, Cameron continues, “What I meant was, um...I started my confirmation recently with the church. And a few weeks ago, at our weekly meeting, someone brought up the topic of sexuality. It got heated, the group was pretty evenly split on their opinions. And I sat there, completely frozen, because I was terrified that if I even moved, they would know, they would just know and I couldn’t--” He cuts himself off then, unable to continue. Freddie may not have shared the same views on religion as his late father, however he did know enough to understand how religion weaved its way into life and society since the beginning of humankind. He knew how important this was to countless people

“Cameron,” Freddie begins seriously, capturing the boy’s attention again. “You do not own an explanation to anyone. Not a single person. Let them think whatever they want to think. You know your truth, and you know you are loved, and that is what matters most. As for your faith, let me share with you something that a frightened, confused, but determined young man once wrote years ago; ‘don’t believe all that you read in the bible’ okay? If God created the universe, and if I learned anything from Uncle Brian’s endless ramblings, the universe has been here for billions of years, how can a book that has only been around and been freely re-interpreted hundreds of times for 2,000 years possibly capture the truth? Your relationship with God is just that; yours. It is between you and Him. Or Her. Or Them. Because in this house, we do not assume anyone’s gender or pronouns.”

Cam throws his arms around Freddie’s neck, giving him a hearty squeeze, which Freddie easily returns. They stay like this for a moment, the boy taking comfort in his godfather’s presence and thinking about his words. “You’re probably right. That certainly gives me something to think about. It’s a step in the right direction anyway.”

The boy presses a kiss to Freddie’s cheek as he pulls away, then stands and readies himself to leave, saying something about needing to be home for dinner, and being the last one home, as his father had left the studio nearly 30 minutes before he arrived.

“You’re still coming to dinner at the Lodge on Thursday, yeah? You know how much your Uncle Jim looks forward to seeing you boys every week.” Freddie carefully does not admit how he looks forward to these weekly gatherings just as much as his husband does.

“Yeah of course! You know, he may act like it’s some big obligation, but I know Luke wouldn’t miss it for the world. Thanks again, Uncle Fred. Bye, now! Love you!”

“I’ll see you later, love! Tell your mother hello for me!” and in a second, Freddie is alone again in the quiet control room.

He stands slowly, allowing his muscles to stretch and blood to flow back into the right places before crossing to the mixing desk again, picking up his abandoned paper and glasses. He stares down at the words again for a moment before deciding it can all wait until tomorrow. He has a husband waiting for him at home, one who he would very much like to cuddle up to and remind how much he loves him.

[monologarithm]

A Brief Explanation

Hello there,

I am a person who enjoys many passions and has many thoughts that I’d rather not throw away. Initially I attempted to write a journal physically but realistically I take a lot of notes on a regular basis and it felt like more work. Digitally seemed more reasonable and separate from my day to day routine, and the reason I ultimately decided on Tumblr is just because I feel I would have better spent my time here than where I did as a teen. I also wanted to post online as an experiment to hold myself more seriously to journaling, I want to try to be as openly honest as possible in my life’s events as a positive channel for more negative emotions, but that’s also why this is not simply an ‘about me.’

My life has been rather complicated, not that anybody else’s isn’t these days especially, however, it has involved several events that certainly aren’t universal to the human experience and could be triggering. I have suffered many traumas and losses over the years so it may strike me to talk about it; I have previously been partially indoctrinated by some ideologies that do not currently align with my beliefs and I may wish to talk about my opinions and frustrations towards them; I am still currently working on completing my education due to many factors some of which I feel are out of my control and may feel the need to vent. Sometimes I may express my current views on topics from a centrist/socialist viewpoint and will miss something or accidentally misrepresent an established ideology I didn’t research or realize I was proposing. That being said I will try to always place relevant trigger warnings in entries that deal with more sensitive topics, and will always take the utmost care to treat topics involving groups of people I can’t speak for with dignity. I also suffer from Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) and went to school for physics and mathematics so I may information dump in an overly terse and wordy manner. I apologize in advance if it comes across as arrogant or pseudo-intellectual. I just genuinely adore learning about many subjects and like to be very concise as to upset as few people as possible.

That significantly more serious bit out of the way, obviously as I previously mentioned my background is in two STEAM fields (Science, Technology, Engineering, Art, and Mathematics, is my preferred over STEM), and I have a tendency to ramble on far longer than I should due to my neurodivergency, so I conjured up the name “Monologarithm” and it was free.

A little more about myself that’s hopefully a little informative. I am working every day to be in a position to finish my degrees as I truly believe science is something to help humanity. I ultimately want to be a part of the change that makes humanity more sustainable and unified as a community. I identify as non-binary and pansexual, I have only relatively recently in my life identified as NB because of the lack of visibility when I was growing up and coming to terms with my sexuality. So I’m still in between whether I identify with a further subgroup, but NB definitely feels right as it matches up with feelings of existing in a consistently gender non-conforming state since early childhood and being painfully aware of how I was perceived by others.

I tend to be into a lot of nebulous different things. I enjoy games of all varieties, reading, shows & films (Star Trek especially), doing self enrichment adjacent to my fields, food, playing with Lego, collecting various toys and figurines, going to museums, caring for and learning about animals, learning about other languages and cultures, programming, making music, and occasionally making very stupid memes. I’m also going to be at random talking about my hobbies and my perceptions about trends, hopefully that will generally be more light-hearted but I do apologize in advance for any controversial statements I may make about certain pieces of media. I’m never trying to criticize an entire fanbase, I’ve simply been into critically analyzing the things I enjoy since I was a kid, and I tend to rarely find things perfect in an ‘I wished artists could happily improve their technique eternally’ way. So potentially I may discuss and vent about some of the shade I’ve been thrown by more toxic fans of things I enjoy over the years. I just also want to make it explicitly clear whenever I do bring up the topic I’m trying hard to restrict the scope of my criticisms to who and what I am venting about in an isolated situation, and I’m never intending to trashtalk a fandom at large.

Thank you very much however few people take the time to read this before continuing. I hope I bring some level of entertainment to people with my various musings on my hobbies, perhaps offer some insight for other people into difficult situations they haven’t had to deal with yet or are struggling with now, and most of all manage to actually write in this blog relatively frequently. I appreciate your taking this time to read my explanation/about me.

[thewillowness]

No more apologies.

CW: Frank discussion of mental health. Also. very long and disorganized writing.

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This year has been pretty challenging because of a confluence of several unrelated matters. By large, though, the perfect storm of events that took place since a year ago and now has taken a serious toll on my mental (and physical, to an extent) health. I am slowly recovering from all this as of this writing, but all this spring and summer I was not able to motivate myself to do anything at all. 

In retrospect, the signs were there. I no longer enjoyed engaging in activities that I once loved to do. I was sleeping too much and even then I was exhausted a few hours later. I was, from time to time, bordering on the paranoid, having my anxiety to be debilitating. 

Often I questioned why I am here, what in the hell I am doing, and any prospect for a better future. 

I’ve wasted a large bulk of my lifetime, mostly trying to survive and nothing more. I had a long history of homelessness as an adult. When I was still newly on the street, I dreaded every evening and boredom was unbearable. The only goal in my life was to make another day fly by me as fast as possible so I could survive one more day. That was most of my life during my 30s. 

I have never had a normal childhood and I have never had a normal adult life. That sometimes causes me an inferiority complex, when the kids who graduated from my high school the same year have already built respectable careers, earned multiple postgraduate degrees, and making families and children. 

To add to this, the last three years in the United States have done a lot of damage to my own psyche. Having been exposed to the daily barrage of news about hate crimes, racist terror, institutionalization of extreme homophobia at the highest level of the government, and ethnic cleansing policy from the top, I have internalized so much of racism, classism and homophobia into my subconscious. Frankly, before the rise of Trump, I had not given much thought about discrimination or hate despite my being a member of the marginalized minorities. Now no day will pass without at least thinking about it. 

I know that people around me are barely tolerating me, perhaps out of pity, perhaps out of their own guilt. Nobody has really liked me, and even though from time to time I made an attempt to be “likable,” I’ve given up on that prospect.

I tried to get a date and get laid for years in vain, but now I realize that I was doing all that (1) out of curiosity, and (2) because “everyone else is doing it.” I had internalized the rather heteronormative (and assimilationist) social narrative that relationship is good, romance is good, and everyone’s goal should be marriage and family. Fuck that. 

Now I firmly believe that I am aromantic, and it makes sense because as an autistic I cannot relate to people like normies might. 

People look at me with disgust, and I know I creep them out. They obviously try to be polite and don’t tell me that in my face but I am not fooled. 

For too long I longed to be normal. I wanted to be one of the normies. I wanted to be accepted. I wanted to be taken seriously. 

Being taken seriously meant freedom. It also meant more income. More opportunities. More friends. Maybe more sex. 

But I am starting to see the error in my thinking, because of two recent events.

1. Recently I attended an all-day conference called Build and Monetize. It was a conference geared toward consultants and other entrepreneurs. One thing I learned was that almost everyone thinks they’re not being taken seriously (”impostor syndrome”). The other thing is that I don’t have to market myself to the “normies” but rather I could play on my own difference (now working on this!) -- no more trying in vain to compete.

2. Like you, I have been following Greta Thunberg. It’s hard now to believe that merely a year ago, she organized a “School Strike for the Climate” at the Swedish Parliament and NOBODY showed up (like almost all of the events I had organized so far!). She just stood there alone. In 2019, she’s met Barack Obama, gave a speech in the United Nations, and is a leading voice of the youth climate movement and the global conscience. Her one-person protest has grown to one of the largest mass demonstrations in world history, ranking at par with the Women’s March on Washington (2017) and Occupy Wall Street (2011). I really wished I was her when I was 15. Like Greta, I was already very much politically and socially conscious at that age. Despite the haters (mostly the right-wing, how predictable) and critics feigning compassion, Greta actually was the right person to be doing this.  

“She admitted her passion was partly down to viewing the world in stark terms. The result of her simplistic approach, fuelled by her condition, is that she has presented this issue with more clarity and competence than almost any adult activist or politician in recent years. And there is something rather beautiful in hearing this teenager demonstrate by her actions how society is stronger when it embraces difference – a message that seems so pertinent to our troubled age. Indeed, this aspect of her stance as a now-public figure on the autism spectrum is arguably as important as her bold stand on climate change, given many prevailing attitudes.“ -- The Guardian, April 23, 2019.

I don’t believe like some that autistic people are some new “supergroup” that will save the world. I think we’ve always been here. But I do think our clarity, moral outrage, allergy to bullshit and refusal to go along are some of the many disabled skills that can be part of saving the world. -- Truth Out, Sept. 25, 2019.

A few years ago, Thunberg’s ascent to fame likely would have been framed in the media as that of an inspiring young girl “overcoming” her disability to become the leader of a worldwide movement. But Thunberg herself makes a different, more radical argument: that she became an activist not in spite of her autism but because of it. “I see the world a bit different, from another perspective,” she explained to New Yorker reporter Masha Gessen. “It’s very common that people on the autism spectrum have a special interest. … I can do the same thing for hours.” Thunberg discovered her special interest in climate change when she was just 9 years old, and she couldn’t understand why everyone on the planet wasn’t similarly obsessed with preventing it.A visceral feeling of repulsion toward deceit and hypocrisy is also common among people on the spectrum. As Thunberg told the BBC, “I don’t fall for lies as easily as regular people, I can see through things.” She has a particular contempt for the professional propagandists and apologists who prop up the fossil fuel industry and discourage the development of renewable energy resources, dismissing UK claims about reductions in carbon emissions as the result of “very creative accounting.” -- Vox, Sept. 24, 2019.

In fact, Greta Thunberg may have been the absolute best thing that happened to the autistic community in modern history, when most people’s perception of autism was pretty much shaped by the film Rain Man and propaganda from Autism Speaks. 

At the very least, Greta is my inspiration. (And despite what the haters think, she is beautiful and her face almost reminds me of a classical Greek or Roman sculpture. She could as well be a Greek goddess incarnate.)

Back to the topic, I feel that I’ve wasted good two decades of my life trying to fit in and be “respected” (read: act and speak like normies, according to the white cisheteronormative middle-class standard of “respectability”), and engage in activities that normies might find “respectable.” 

Between apologizing for being “abnormal” and internalizing ableism, classism, racism, sexism, and heterosexism, I had wasted so much of my creativity and energy on this uncompensated labor to make people around me “comfortable” so they might “accept” me. 

Fuck that. I’m done living my life like this, so as to please the normies for a pittance in return (and mostly uncompensated).

They never understand me anyway. They have never walked a tenth of a mile in my shoes at the intersection of multiple oppressions. They may be well-meaning but their privilege means ignorance, self-righteousness, meaningless virtue-signalling circle jerk, and unwillingness to learn (and it’s not my responsibility to “educate” them without compensation, either).  

And yes, history of “mental health” is history of colonialism and racism, too. What many non-Western and pre-Christian Western cultures called it shamanic gifts or witchcraft, the Christendom called it “hysteria” and “lunacy.” (Note: I have studied cultural anthropology of shamanism as a purely academic subject for two semesters. I do not purport to be a shaman nor it is my intention to appropriate their traditions.)

I am instead going to quadruple down on my “craziness,” and I will no longer apologize for it. (For the most part, “mental health” in our society is just a mechanism to enforce social order and norms -- if there be any question on this, ask why it is always the police that responds to mental health “emergencies” and not EMTs.) I am turning the landmine that it my “craziness” into a goldmine instead. 

And fuck the normies. 

[rubberneckdiary]

January 2nd, 2018

I guess I never really introduced myself properly, did I? I guess that’s something I should do, this being a diary that I’m sharing with the world and all. Many of you may not know who I am at all. I had a lot on my mind yesterday, I’m sure you all understand. But, that’s no excuse for today! 

My name is Rubberneck. That’s it, just Rubberneck. I don’t have a middle name, or a last name as many others might. My name is distinction enough, honestly. There’s not exactly a ton of tan unicorns named “Rubberneck” with a pair of sun-glassed eyes on their ass, now is there?

I’m not poetic, I’m not very skilled in most areas, and writing is new for me. I mean, yeah I had to do a pathetic amount of creative writing in school but I never was any good at it. I like writing about real things, daily things that happen that sometimes people don’t think about. Like, my family.

Oh, yeah, I have a pretty big family. My parents are still married. I have a older brother, two younger brothers and a little sister. We were all born and raised on the country side, and sometimes I catch myself spurting out country lingo or I’ll catch myself saying something I might not say much with a little country twang to it. But, living in the city and being stuck in a school full of kids with a serious lack of a country background... it’s been washed out of me pretty well. 

City people have real weird accents, though. Sure as hell have weird ass challenges and such as well. Somebody today told me about some dude wandering into some forest or something and recording a dead body because they were going to do some sort of challenge to stay over night or something. Dumbest shit I think I’ve heard since I was pulled from my mother’s womb, but y’know what? Stupid city boy done did it.

Also what is with their lingo? I’ve never heard the word “ion” being used outside of science class and suddenly I got 16 year old’s talking about how “ion wanna hit up that wack ass shop”? The fuck are you saying? Go back to English class, and for the love of all things green in this world stop acting like some gangster, you are the size of my arm.

Ah, my intention wasn’t really to bitch and whine about things, though. It was about telling y’all about myself, right? Let’s go back to my family.

My mama stays at home tending to her mini-farm most of the time. She loves raising live stock and tending to her flowers. My dad is a geologist, my older brother is an astrologist. I’m... well, during the day I manage a mall kiosk across from that signature pretzel place I can never care to remember the name of, and at night I’m a male stripper. But ask my parents and I’m a art critic... ma and pa don’t need a heart attack, thank you very much.

My younger brother, well the older of the two younger ones. He has Spina bifida. He got real lucky with his condition and all. Basically, spina bifida is where your spine and spinal cord don’t develop properly. A lot of kids with it can’t use their back legs, or have a hard time using them. Some legs stop growing, some legs grow weirdly, but it’s not just limited to that. Some go numb so you can’t feel bowel movements, or when you have to pee. Some are paralyzed partially or completely, you can get intellectual issues from it, things like that. 

My brother, Bumble Bee, he only has a numbness so he can’t feel his restroom movements, so he’s gotta use things to help him out. He also has issues with his skin on his tail, so he can’t grow hair or nothing like that and it’s always wrapped up in a bandage. Past that and stiff movement on occasion, he’s fine, though. He’s really lucky. He is super fixated on bee’s and wasps. I don’t know why, but I read somewhere that hyper-fixation on something can be a sign of autism? I told ma she should have been checked out just to be safe but she passed. I didn’t push, it’s not like he’s so bad he needs any professional help. I could be wrong, anyway. Maybe he just really, really, really likes bees.

Then there’s my younger sister, she’s the second youngest. She loves to paint, I think she likes painting more than she likes herself. She’s pretty full of herself too, and extremely sassy. But hey, she’s only got brothers so it’s no wonder she’s growing up to be a tough one.

Finally, my youngest brother. He’s still pretty little, but he comes up to visit me sometimes. I’m his favorite brother, apparently. He’s yet to learn who he is as a individual, I think, though.

Anyway, so I grew up in the country and all that and always dreamed of a big city. Pretty lights, dazzling performers, attractions that normally attract bored country kids to the city, y’know? So, while my brother was attending college, I moved into an apartment with him and got myself a job. Then I needed two because he was finishing up his senior semester for his final diploma and such, so I went ahead and became a stripper. Started taking classes to improve my pole dancing, but really it’s mostly in the hips when it comes to basic strip dance. I am very fluid in the hips, girls go nuts for it.

However, I’ve always had a small interest in mixing drinks. Even as a kid I’d try wild combinations to see if it’d be a good drink. One time I tried mixing fruit punch with orange juice. I don’t recall the flavor but I remember the texture was just... ew. I’d shove a bunch of veggies and fruits and such into a blender and pop out with different smoothies. Some were good... some made my brother puke. 

I guess after middle school I stopped toying with it, though. Most the good mix drinks seem to come from soda’s which weren’t readily available to us and alcohol, which we never had access to. So I focused on other things, took culinary classes for a little bit, took art classes for a little bit, things like that. Tried to learn another language one time, that bombed.

Sometimes after my shift I’ll head to the bar in the club and order a mixed drink. They’re good, and I really like watching the tenders mix and do tricks with their bottles and glasses. It made me consider taking some classes and looking into being a bar tender. Though, I can’t afford that right now.

I have a routine in place. I get my schedule every Friday, and I try to figure out when I can sleep, when I can eat, when I can shop, things like that. It’s a struggle, and I’ve tried finding a smaller, more affordable apartment but they’re all snatched up right quick. So... it’s either be broke and exhausted or homeless. I chose broke and exhausted, so here I am taking naps between shifts and on breaks just to make it through each day. How I manage to look decent, I don’t know.

Sometimes people will ask about myself, and I’ll never know what to say, but writing it now it seems so easy. Isn’t it weird how that works? It’s like a test. I’ll be fine doing the same questions while studying but as soon as somebody else asks me something my mind goes blank. I’m not sure if that’s normal, honestly. Maybe everyone’s just a little bit mentally fucked up but the worlds so fucked as a whole that ain’t nobody taking real notice.

So... yeah, that’s all you really need to know, I suppose. You’ll learn more about me as these entries go on, I’m sure. Nothing super interesting happened today, though. So I suppose we’ll just end it here and hope tomorrow’s more interesting.

- Rubber

Art by misiekpl

Written by Rosario-Red

Rubberneck by Rosario-Red

Artists Notes -

So today I talked a little bit about Spinda Bifida, which is a very real medical condition. Now, the reason I have a character in Rubberneck’s life with this condition is it’s a bit of a nod to my little cousin who, like Bumble Bee, was born with Spina Bifida and has some issues because of it. Her conditions are much like Bumble Bee’s, she cannot control bowel movements, she has to use a catheter to urinate, and one of her feet grow oddly. Past that, she’s fine. She is extremely lucky, and when she was a baby the doctors thought she wouldn’t be able to walk at all. She did cheer leading, gymnastics, takes riding lessons on horses, all sorts of stuff. A few years ago my family went to a Spinda Bifida walk and it really brought to light just how lucky we were that she is as good as she is now. 

As she gets older, she’s beginning to realize that she’s not... like everyone else. Sometimes she gets bullied when she has a accident, as like I said before she has no control, and no feeling. So I kind of wanted to take this introduction of Bumble Bee to encourage others to learn about Spina Bifida, and teach others around you about it as well. Many people don’t even hear the words Spina Bifida until it happens to somebody in their family being born with it, or through other tight-knit relationships, and I feel it’s something that should be learned about.

That’s all for that! Hope you guys have been enjoying these entries so far, I know there’s only two now, but I do plan on releasing some more tomorrow!

- Rosario-Red