#sentient lost light au by cuppajj

[soundcrusher]

Meanwhile, in another Universe 4

I did it. I, FINALLY, managed to finish this wip! You guys don't know how long this has been sitting in my drafts. T.T

Either way, I hope everyone of you will like Part 4 of this little story set in the Sentient Lost Light Au from @cuppajj. (Should something be off, let me know cuppa. I'll fix it as soon as I can.)

Trigger Warning: mention of abuse

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One week. 

Phoenix hasn’t left his hab-suite for a week and Lightlost was starting to worry about the young spark. 

And they weren’t the only one. 

Rodimus, Whirl, Tailgate and even Ultra Magnus were starting to wonder why Phoenix wasn’t leaving his room. So much so that there was always at least one of them to check up on the youngspark, but they never got an answer when they knocked on his hab-suite door. 

However, that wasn’t the most worrisome thing coming out of that sudden change in personality. No, Phoenix was known to sometimes take one or two days where he stayed away from the rest of the Lost Light. “It’s too much… The crew, the noise, not having to fear a… nevermind” At least, that’s what the young flier told Ultra Magnus, and Ultra Magnus told the rest of the crew. 

Not that Lightlost needed to know that. They were the first Phoenix to know, but they had to promise not to tell anyone from the crew, until he himself told someone. And despite it taking a while, it still filled the cartographer’s spark with pride to know that their youngest crew member felt comfortable enough to reach out to the rest and reveal some things about himself. 

And yet it appeared that Phoenix’s hard earned openness has slowly disappeared again. If Lightlost had to make a guess, they would think that it was because of what happened last week. Alone the memory of holding the youngling in their arms and being forced to look down at Phoenix, while he looked up at them with those optics that were there and yet so far away while he begged for whoever he saw to leave him alone, it reminded Lightlost too much of the time when they were cradling Phoenix’s small and broken body after Overlord got to him. 

There were many things the titan in disguise had witnessed, but even they couldn’t get used to certain things. Or maybe it’s because of the resemblance Phoenix shares with their beloved captain. They might not be alike in most aspects, but there are still some things the two share. No matter how much Phoenix protests on how he’s nothing like Rodimus. So, sometimes, when they’re reminded of the day the youngspark nearly died, they couldn’t help but imagen Rodimus in his stead. Missing limbs and broken beyond saving as he…

No, they couldn’t think like that. Not when everything was okay now. or, at least as okay as it can get with their crew. 

With that in mind, Lightlost looked down at the cube of energon to make sure they haven’t spilled anything, before knocking on Phoenix’s hab-suite door. And after making sure there weren’t any traps set up, they entered without waiting for an answer. Something they wouldn’t usually do, but considering how Phoenix hasn’t refueled much since last week, they had a good enough reason to do so. 

Although, after entering the hab-suite and hearing the door close behind them, their calm expression turned into one of concern as they saw the broken furniture and general mess Phoenix has made of his room. 

Of course, they knew that something was going on in the hab-suite, but they didn’t check in out of respect for Phoenix’s privacy. Also, the youngspark needed time for himself, and considering how he sometimes told them how he could “feel optics on him when there weren’t any”, they decided it was best to leave him be for the moment. But now, they were second guessing their decision. Especially after looking towards the berth and the something hidden in a nest of blankets and pillows. 

“Phoenix?” They asked softly and watched the nest rustle, before a small opening appeared from which one single blue optic looked outside. Looking around the room to see who else was there, and when finding no-one but Lightlost, the nest started to rustle even more, until Phoenix sat up. Still surrounded by a wall of blankets and pillows, but at least Lightlost was able to see the youngspark’s face. Which caused some relief to wash over them as they slowly moved closer to the younger mech. Holding out the cube of energon as soon as they were close enough and waiting for Phoenix to take it on his own. “It’s okay if you don’t want it. I’ll just leave it on the… table…” The table was broken.

“Is… okay…” Muttered Phoenix quietly as he held out his servos in a grabby motion, waiting for Lightlost to give him the cube, and as soon as he got it, the young spark didn’t wait another second as he wolfed it down. Nearly choking himself on the energon, but that didn’t stop him from making sure that nothing was left in the cube. Although, the second he was done, Phoenix was quick to hand the cube back, before hiding underneath his blankets again. Muttering a small “Thanks” towards Lightlost, while making sure that there was a space for Lightlost to sit in. 

And Lightlost sat down on the offered spot. Cautious to not disturb Phoenix’s nest all too much. “Sweetspark… you know why I’m here, right?” The question was met with silence from the youngling, so they decided to continue talking in hopes that Phoenix would answer. “It wasn’t just because you were already overdue for a refuel, everyone of us is worried about you. Usually you wouldn’t stay longer than two days in your room… Is it about what happened last week?” 

“It’s not just last week…” Came the weak whisper from Phoenix, as he shifted around underneath his blankets to look at Lightlost. And now that they could see his face fully, the cartographer was able to see the fresh tear stains on the youngling’s face. “I…  thought that… that I left them behind… The bad memories, but they still follow me. And then I… I called you papa and… and…” Phoenix let out a choked sob as he pressed his servos tightly against his mouth and kept them there until his body stopped shaking from his quiet sobbing. Only then did he continue. “I… am sorry for calling you papa. I know that… that you don’t see yourself as a… a… But I can’t call you mama. I CAN’T. I just…can’t… Please, don’t make me call you mama!”

Phoenix was becoming frantic, Lightlost could see it even when the young spark was trying his best to look normal. So, they stood up and did the only thing they could think to calm their youngling down. With the utmost carefulness, they grabbed Phoenix and used their natural strength as a titan to pull him out of his blanket and pillow nest, before cradling him to their chest. And after they sat down, with the youngling in their lab, Lightlost let Phoenix latch onto them. They didn’t even say anything as they could feel the youngspark’s unsheathed claws dig into their plating. No, they only cradled the crying youngling while humming a soft tune. Waiting for him to continue what he was saying, or to stop if he wasn’t ready to do so. 

But it seemed that, after calming down, Phoenix was ready to continue. Despite not feeling comfortable enough to look Lightlost in the optics. Instead, the young flier kept his optics offline, as he told his parental figure exactly why he could never call them ‘Mama’. 

“It’s not… not that I want to be disrespectful, or anything. It’s just… the association with the word, with that specific word, is just… It hurts. It makes me think of my mama, and my mama isn’t the best. I love her, I really do, but I know that she isn’t good… Not after what she did…” With each word, Phoenix grew more and more quiet, until it was only a hard to understand whisper. But Lightlost could still understand the context. Whatever Phoenix’s mother did to him, it damaged a part of their youngling that still needed healing. 

“You don’t have to tell me about her, Phoenix. If you’re not ready, then don’t push yourself to tell me something that still hurts you.” Said the cartographer softly. “I know that some things are better left unsaid, until you find the courage to face whatever it is.” 

“But I can’t… I have to tell someone…” Was all the kid could say, before he lifted his head to look at Lightlost. Optics mirroring the sadness and tiredness Phoenix felt for running from those memories for all those years. “It’s making me tired…. and I don’t think that I can run from it anymore… Not when I get confronted by her memory, whenever someone asks…” Phoenix sighed as he tried to find his courage. Pushing down the shame and fear his mother imbued within him, before closing his optics. It was easier to tell his tale, without having to look into Lightlost’s optics after all. 

“My mama… she’s scary, really scary. Sometimes she was nice, I really loved my nice mama, but more often than not, she was scary. Yelling and throwing things, before stomping through our home in search of…” Phoenix shook his head softly, before pressing himself closer to Lightlost. Searching for comfort in their embrace, as he thought about his next words. “Of me. When she was scary, she was angry. And when she was angry, she needed someone or something to make her less angry… Usually, when I was fast enough, I could hide. Then she broke something. When I wasn’t, she would pull me out of my hiding spot and… and…” He choked on sob. “Do you… Do you know how it feels to get punched? To feel something break?”

“Phoenix… I…”

“It doesn’t feel nice. Not when you’re small. And not when your mama is a tank. Even when she pulls back on her strength, it still hurts. It hurts… and… and you can’t do anything against her, because you’re small and you want to help your mama. You want her to go back to being a nice mama, so… so… you just take it.” 

“And she becomes nice for a while, until she gets angry again…” Phoenix let out a shaky laugh as he let go of Lightlost’s frame to wipe at his optics. “And then it just repeats. Like a circle. The same game, over and over, without any stop. And you… you don’t stop it, because how can you? You’re small, and… and… I love my mama. Until you, she was the only parent I had. Fools Shot is no parent, even if he feels like family. And even if she was a bad mama, I still love her. I love my mama, but I’m also scared of her.” It was hard to laugh while crying. Phoenix would have never expected that, and yet, he couldn’t stop. His laughter, broken and trembling from his tears and wails, still rang through true. Spilling out the pain he has been trying to hide underneath the guise of a trouble seeking kid. 

“It’s… I’m stupid, aren’t I? Just a stupid sparkling who knows nothing, because I still love my mama despite her love for me being wrong.” One last laugh left the kid, before he covered his mouth again. Trying his hardest to muffle his cries as he waited for an answer from Lightlost. 

But how was the cartographer supposed to answer? They were stunned, caught like a deer in the headlights, as they repeated Phoenix’s story in their mind. Clutching the young spark tightly to their body to show him that they were still there for him, as they tried to sort through their emotions. 

There was no anger, Lightlost hardly got angry, but they could still get upset. And hearing about how Phoenix’s carrier treated him, abused him, just because she seemingly wanted to, it disturbed them. How could anyone treat their sparkling like that? Weren’t creators supposed to care for their creations? Alone the thought of someone causing a youngspark pain without any other reason than they want to, it pained their spark to imagen how those young ones must feel. And then, there was their very own youngspark. 

Hearing Phoenix's story, his tears, his pained laughter, it caused Lightlost’s spark to squeeze painfully in their metaphorical chest. Just what exactly was he forced to go through by his mother? What did she do? How much did she hurt their youngspark? 

But that wasn’t important now. No. Lightlost had to push their emotions back for a moment, because Phoenix needed them now. So, they took a deep breath, held it for a few seconds, before releasing it again. Putting on their most comforting smile, as they softly rubbed soothing circles into the space between Phoenix’s wings. Watching their youngling, as the tension slowly left his body. 

“You aren’t stupid Phoenix. You’re very clever, and kind, and a good kid. Don’t ever let anyone tell you otherwise.” Lightlost spoke calm and quietly, before their tone took on a very light sharp edge. “Not even from your mama. She’s wrong. She’s oh so very wrong about you, and what she’s done is terrible. No-one should be treated like that. Especially mechs as young as you or younger.”

“B-but…”

Lightlost shook his head, before hushing the youngling with a finger to his lips while a soft smile formed on theirs. “No ‘but’ Phoenix. She is wrong. You might not see it, and that’s understandable. It must have been hard to live with her and then with your old crew. But please believe me, she is oh so very wrong about you. And what she’s done… No caring creator would willingly raise their servo against their creation…” Phoenix didn’t look convinced, and they couldn’t blame him, but still, Lightlost hoped that their words somehow reached the youngspark. 

“You…” Phoenix started, as he looked up at Lostlight with big and confused optics that somehow held a twinkle of innocence in them. “You… Are you sure? My mama has been right about most things…”

“But she’s just like every other mech and femme. And like everyone else, she can be wrong, sweetspark.” 

“I… I guess you’re right, Light…” Hearing that caused Lightlost to let out a relieved sigh that might or might not have swept through the whole ship. This was good, because realization that something is wrong, is often the first step towards healing. And for their youngspark’s sake, they hope that this was Phoenix’s first step towards moving past his mother’s shadow. 

“Now, how about we fix your room as best as we can, before looking for our captain. He, and some others are quite worried about you.”

“As if. Rodimus and you are the only ones worried about me.” Chuckled Phoenix. Although, the second he noticed Lightlost’s knowing smile, he let out a small squeak. “Th-there are more!?”

“Yes, and Ultra Magnus is one of them.” It might have been wrong to laugh at Phoenix’s shocked expression, but they couldn’t really help themself. After the seriousness of their talk, it was somewhat refreshing to see their youngling go from scared and sad, to simply silly. Maybe Lightlost should be worried about the way Phoenix sometimes was quick to change moods, but that was for another day. 

Now, it was time to clean the room. And as both of them got up and started to salvage what could be safed, Lightlost didn’t fail to hear the softly whispered “Thanks Papa” coming from Phoenix. 

----

Small Bonus:

Cleaning the room did take a while, but once they were done, Lightlost took Phoenix’s servo in theirs and together, they walked out of the youngling’s room and towards Swerve’s Bar. Where Phoenix was currently in a deep conversation with Swerve about some earthen TV show, while Lightlost was observing them from a booth. Simply enjoying their time, until Rodimus decided to join them. 

“Heya Lightlost, how is it going?” Asked the prime, while sipping on his drink. 

“Oh, it’s going alright. I’m simply enjoying the joys of parenthood, as humans would say.” Answered the cartographer, to which Rodimus only nodded absently, before spitting out his drink. 

“Wait, WHAT?! Since when are you a parent!?”

“Well, I have only been a parent for a week? I’m sorry captain, but I think I’m needed elsewhere. We can talk about this later.” 

“Wait! What do you mean you have been a parent for a week!? Lightlost!?”

“LIGHLOST!”

[dimorphodon-x]

A doodle I've been wanting to do for a few months now

Featuring @cuppajj's Lost Light

[the-devil-felled]

……….I HAVE THE CONCEPT

I also might have a desire to ship Rodimus with his ship ahahahah

Okay but just IMAGINE how cool it would be if Lost Light was actually….like….alive and conscious being?? Like those titans eheheheh

[phantom31516]

art fight attack on @cuppajj !!!! I absolutely adore this design for their Sentient Lost Light au, the Lost Light is so pretty!!! I adore them😭❤️

[cyber-streak-2]

Rodimus: *Accidentally sets one of the rooms on fire*

Rodimus: We need an adult!

Drift, who’d been trying to help him with something: Roddy, we are adults.

Rodimus: We need... an adultier adult! Get... get Light Lost!

//Sentient LL AU belongs to @cuppajj

[iwasjoking]

Okay, all of these are basically based off of the 'sentient lost light AU' from @cuppajj, which I was obsessing about, but when I thought about it, it didn't really have a name for what it was. And I don't think 'metro titan' or just 'titan' would suffice. So I went up and thought of a classification, or multiple classifications for different kind of titans, I mean, lets spread our horizons a bit.

Okay, first up, metro titans are titans that transform into massive cities, and act as settlements for bots to colonize new planets. Honestly the first thought of it was astonishing, but just, metro titans? That kinda seems.. bland.

At first I didn't think too much about them, because honestly, who would, until I came across the sentient LostLight AU. And everything fit together perfectly, though I was quite late to the party, I started going through as many posts about it as I could at the time. And then decided to create my own Titan OC.

Verloren, the bot above is a Titan that I created, I drew the ship part first so it would make sense, but he still kinda looked like Lostlight, that was a big accident ^^'

There is another (unfinished) OC up there thats much bigger, and more blue but I'll talk about them later.

Anyways, just titan didn't suffice my brain, since you have metro titans, and then just.. titans? So, I decided to create my own classification, leading tooooooo,

Star Faring titans! (Workshopping the name still, and the emblem, kinda looks dumb) But I like it so far, and what it means is that it's a titan that transforms into a ship, not a city. A ship thats supposed to travel the stars, at first I was thinking 'Quantum titan', but not all have to have Quantum engines. Though I haven't made out all the details, I quite like what I have so far.

But why stop there? with only two. Then comes up another idea, in another comic I read, there were titans that were orbiting around the planet, doing sorts of jobs, so I started onto making the 'satellite titans'. These titans are titans that orbit around the planet, and do certain jobs. Heck some of them could be a moon orbiting around another planet.

I separated them into 3 groups, (so far), base satellite titans, Lunar satellite titans, and Job satellite titans. (Still workshopping the names)

The names should probably explain themselves but even so:

Lunar satellite titans are titans that are mainly for defense of the planet, as moons, though they can transform, they can sometimes shoot beams from their surface, most of the time they orbit around colonized planets.

Job satellite titans do things like mining from the surface, or act as a radio beam, and are typically the smallest, I've seen them sorta in comics, though not mentioned under any sort of specialized name.

And base satellite titans, basically ones that travel around the stars, before settling into an orbit, becoming a sort of stop station, for ships. They often have a crew operating them, or become fully functional cities in the sky. But I would not call them a metro titan, because they stay in space, as a sort of 'stop station'

I might make more stories or pictures about them later, but honestly, I love this idea and I hope some people would try to expand on it ^^

Stormy signing off

[dimorphodon-x]

Oh that’s so cuuuuute! Thank you JJ!

I've been meaning to draw LL and Novabird for a long while and I finally got around to it - here he is playing with his lo-la! :D

for @dimorphodon-x, happy birthday! Novabird belongs to them

[onlineviolence]

super very messy sketch . peaceful tyranny would be openly hostile if any conversation was ever initiated XD

( sent it ant lost light belongs to @cuppajj )

[ut-girl666]

Space is big… and it has-

Lost Light!

I gacha’d up a quick Lost Light, bc I had nothing better to do, and my brain was filled with brainrot of @cuppajj’s Sentient!Lost Light AU.

So here you are, a quick Gacha design of them!

And here’s a little guide-tell-thingy? Of their feats.

Design Includes:

The long spindly things on the LL’s ship mode, that kinda look like a mane, or fur??but like, on a chicken?? Idk. it’s those things.

A mic that links into the speaker system, which is kinda how they’d talk to the crew easier, or in a less unsettling/startling manner than just the voice echoing through the ship’s halls??

A pendant they wear to show that Rodimus is their beloved Captain!

Windows!! Bc LL has a lot of windows!! :D!

Their very own personal Rodimus Star, given to them/made by Captain Rodimus Prime himself!

The text/engraving reads: “For being an awesome fucking ship.”

(For the record, he simply engraved one to start, then took a few fake copies for testing’s sake, and when tested to work for sure, he had Brainstorm enlarge it, and then he worked with help from the crew to smack that baby onto a wall or something. They decided to wear it on the side of their ‘face’ to cover the mechanical workings of their mic thing, so they shifted it around when the crew was busy/asleep. They adore their Rodimus Star! :D!)

I will happily put up/provide the offline code for them if requested! Enjoy! :D!

Sentient!Lost Light AU belongs to @cuppajj, not me. Go see them, if you’re curious about the AU! It’s really, really awesome!

Fonts used are ‘Family Home’ and ‘Mechanical Pencil’ on DaFont. Editing app used is IbisPaintX. Gacha app used to make S!LL is Gacha Club by Lunime/Luni.

[heliopauseentertainments]

#so unsure why I didn’t see this before!!!!!#any sllau food is good food even if its from a long time ago yumyummmm#I miss them sm#sentient lost light au#<- I know this is technically separate but to make it easier to find in tags im giving it this one I hope its ok!

@cuppajj

That's totally okay; no worries!

You may not have seen it before because I didn't tag you since I felt weird tagging a perfect stranger entirely out of the blue. Sorry about that.

I wish you would write a fic where...

We get to see the shattered glass version of the Lost Light

I wish you would write a fic where…

I swear, one of these days, I will actually read Shattered Glass, so my understanding atm for the snippet below is drawn from wiki dives, canon blending, and in part, for this one specifically, from cuppajj's sentient Lost Light concept.

It's not exactly 100 words and could use some tweaking, but that's okay.

--

An even voice played over the bridge's speakers.

:: That is not possible, Captain. ::

"Not possible? Not possible?"

Rodimus struggled against the bonds holding him into his seat.

The Lost Light remained in a calm, steady orbit at the edge of their home system's gravitational influence. The ship had only just revealed, by murdering the crew, that it... that he was a titan.

A titan who was displeased that the crew and captain were returning home from a fruitless quest to find something, anything to use against the Prime's stranglehold on their planet. That should have been Rodimus's stranglehold.

"I order you to release me!"

:: I am unable to comply, Captain. ::

Rodimus felt the ship shuddering around him, like the titan was preparing to transform.

:: Now I will never be alone again. ::

[soundcrusher]

Meanwhile, in Another Universe 3

I know that I've got some other works in the making, but I had to get this one out. Even if it nearly got me to shed some tears.

Either way, I hope everyone of you will like Part 3 of this little story set in the Sentient Lost Light's Au from @cuppajj

Trigger warning: Panick attack, negative thoughts,

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It was a normal day on the Lost Light, which was surprising in its own right, considering all the things that have been going on ever since Rodimus and his crew went on this adventure.

Not that he would change anything about their adventures, no, well, maybe he would change a few things. Mostly the deaths of everyone who didn’t deserve them, but then again, what if fate would have found a different way to take them. You couldn’t escape death, it came for everyone. Sometimes, it was just slower in claiming a life, sometimes it acted faster than you would have ever expected. And then there were the times it spares someone. Someone who didn’t deserve dying after all.

But even those spared would die sooner or later. A lesson Rodimus had to learn the hard way, same as a certain youngling that has been shutting himself off, after accidentally telling him that he’s seen worse than a headless body. And it made the prime wonder just what exactly the youngling had seen with his old crew. The war was over after all, and while there were still those who couldn’t accept it, someone brought to life after their war shouldn’t know something worse than a headless body.

So, Rodimus stood outside Phoenix's room. Fist raised for a soft knock against the door to let the youngling know he had a visitor. Only Primus, and Lightlost, knows what happened last time he barged into the room without letting Phoenix know it was him and not someone else. A shudder wracked over his frame as he remembered the bright neon pink paint and golden glitter that suddenly covered his frame and took weeks to get off. At least he had a good enough excuse not to do his work and stay in his hab-suite.

Although, after a while of waiting, Rodimus took the risk and stepped into the room without waiting for Phoenix to let him in. And as he looked around to see what the youngling was up to that kept him from answering the hab-suit door, he found him with his back to the door. Sitting by the desk across from the berth. Engrossed in one of his wood carving works while singing softly to himself.

And with Rodimus not wanting to disturb the youngling’s serene moment, the prime quietly crept closer and sat down on the berth. Watching Phoenix as he delicately turned the wood they got from an organic planet into a small wooden version of the Lost Light. It was fascinating, considering Phoenix hardly spoke about the things he liked to do, let alone his hobbies. It’s always like the youngling is too scared to reveal something about him. As if he’s scared someone would take away the joys he had, and Rodimus found himself frowning at that. What kind of aft would make a youngling scared of expressing himself? Apparently one named Runningway.

Rodimus might have scoffed too loud at that though, or made a different kind of sound that caused the peaceful atmosphere to shatter and Phoenix to jump out of his chair. Brandishing his wood carving knife, ready to strike at anyone daring to come close, as a deep and furious scowl settled on his face. “The fuck you’re doing here!? How often do I have to tell you shits to stay out of my room! It’s mine! Mine!”

“Easy! It’s just me Phoenix! Just good ol’ Rodimus.” Yelled the prime in return, as he quickly raised his servos to make himself look less like a threat, and make sure he would be able to protect his face, should Phoenix decide to throw his knife. And knowing the youngling, he would have probably done that, if he hadn’t realized no-one else but Rodimus was in his room. That realization didn’t make the scowl go away though.

“And what exactly are you doing here? I thought I made it clear that I wanted to be alone.” Muttered the youngling, as he put the knife down on his desk, before crossing his arms over his chest. Fixing Rodimus with a glare that could have been considered murderous, if it wasn’t for the pout. Sometimes, Phoenix was more of a kid than the youngling wanted to admit.

“I just wanted to check up on you, especially after your small outburst at Swerves.” Started the prime while observing Phoenix tensing up even further. “It’s okay. No-one’s mad at you, we all got our bad days. Honestly, sometimes I don’t feel like getting out of my berth either, but you gotta admit, yelling at Swerve crossed the line a little bit.”

“Crossed the line? CROSSED THE LINE?!” Rodimus messed up, if Phoenix’s offended screech was any indicator. “HE crossed the fucking line! How often did I tell any of you that my past crew is off topic? Same goes for my creators!” Yelled the youngling, as he chapped a digit at Rodimus, while fixing the prime with a look that only spelled fury. And, maybe, an underlying pain the youngling isn’t ready to talk about yet. “And I gave him enough opportunities to stop talking. But he didn’t! He just kept asking, and asking, and asking! Do you know how it feels to constantly be reminded that my old crew didn’t want me?! That they abandoned me, just because I looked like the fucking prime they all hated?!”

At this point, Phoenix was trying his best to hold back his tears. He didn’t want to cry in front of Rodimus, especially when it involved his old crew or his creators. None of them deserved his tears. Well, maybe Fools Shot deserved them, but only because that old mech was the only one who treated him like an equal and not like a thing you can easily get rid of, once you no-longer need it. And yet, the youngling found himself rubbing furiously over his optics in hopes to get rid of his tears. But all he did was smear his face paint and nothing more.

“Why does no-one of you get it?! Why do you always insist on getting to know stuff?! I don’t want to tell you! I don’t want to! It’s my business. Mine! MINE! None of you deserve to know! None of you! NONE OF YOU! You will only pity me! And I don’t want your pity! I don’t want it!” Shrieked Phoenix, before his voice broke down into sobs. No. He didn’t want anyone to know. They shouldn’t know. His mama told him that no-one would want him if they knew. That they would only pity him, and nothing more. That they would just throw him away, if they knew how he felt deep down. And his mama has always been right with things like that. Even if she broke his dreams, even if she handed him over to Second Fiddle, and even if she wasn’t the best mama, she has always been right about things like this.

“Phoenix…” And as Rodimus slowly got up, as to not startle the youngling, Phoenix found himself frozen. He wanted to run. Bolt out of the room and to somewhere safer. Somewhere none of them could find him, and just cry. Maybe the vents would be an option, but they weren’t safe. Someone could find him in there and drag him out. And then they would ask him questions. They would demand answers, maybe even force him to spill everything, and the thought alone of having to share what he didn’t want others to know caused Phoenix’s frame to rattle and shake in fear, while his body slowly cramped up.

And as his thoughts kept spiraling out of control, the youngling completely missed Rodimus moving closer, until he felt the prime’s servos on his shoulder and stared into his worried optics. “Phoenix, it’s okay.” But it wasn’t okay. It was never okay. Rodimus might not see it, might not understand it, but nothing was ever okay when it came to this. And despite the primes encouraging words, Phoenix kept on spiraling deeper into this dark abyss of doubt and fear. Until he could no longer feel Rodimus’s warm and comforting servos, but rather the big, tense and cold ones of his mama. And if he strained his audials hard enough, he could hear her talking down to him. Telling him how stupid he was for growing attached to Autobots, especially after it was them who tricked his papa and took him away. And how naive he was for thinking that he could escape her.

“I told you, sooner or later you’ll be back with me.” She whispered, as she leaned closer to his face. “I might have given you to them, but you’re my son. You will always be my son.” And then, she disappeared, only to be replaced by Runningway, who continued the tirade. Mocking him for growing comfortable among enemies, before telling him how no-one ever liked him. “And I doubt your new crew likes you either. Especially the prime and that Lightlost fella.”

And after Runnningway, it was Old Man and Second Fiddle who kept on telling him the same things as Runningway. Reminding him about how useless he was, how no-one could ever like someone as him, and as they went, they were only replaced by others of his old crew. Others, who didn’t stop. No. They just kept on going, revealing every self-doubt and negative thought Phoenix had buried deep down in his subconsciousness. Beating him with their words, just like they did when he was still with them.

It was merciless, and none of them stopped as Phoenix’s legs gave out under him. With the only thing holding him up being the strong but gentle arms of someone his spiraling mind couldn’t put a face to. Everything, except the voices and faces of his mama and past crew were muddled. Blending together in his mind and turning into static, as he desperately tried to find an escape from the onslaught. But every time Phoenix managed to find a way out, a small gap in the crowd around him, his mama came and pulled him back. Reminding him that there was no escape for him.

She would always pull him back.

Until, she didn’t, and a new voice joined the onslaught. An older and kinder one.

One, Phoenix knew all too well. And as he saw his old captain push through the crowd and past his mama, the youngling noticed that the others were slowly disappearing. At first, it was Runningway, then Second Fiddle, then Old Man, and then the rest, until all that remained were Fools Shot and his mama.

However, his mama soon enough started to disappear too, as the old mech took a hold of his head and softly turned his face away from his mama. Making him look straight at him, as he told him how everything was okay.

“Remember what I told you Phoenix. Those who make you feel worthless, only do so to make themselves feel better.” And with these words spoken, Fools Shot started to disappear too, and Phoenix felt his mind start to clear, as he slowly rose from the dark abyss of his mind and back into the now.

There were still tears running down his cheeks, and trembles wrecking his body, those were the first things he could feel, but he could slowly make out other things too. Like the soft whispers of Rodimus and another mech, the small shape of a minibot, Phoenix thought it was a minibot, standing outside his room, and someone holding him. Someone, the youngling, knew all too well. And for a moment, Phoenix allowed his mind to think of nothing, as he stared up at the cartographer who looked down at him with those sad and concerned optics. Funny, from down here, Phoenix could have sworn that Lightlost looked older than they are. Maybe even older than Fools Shot.

After a while of just collecting his thoughts and calming down, Phoenix let out a soft sigh. “I… did it again, didn’t I?” Muttered Phoenix as he looked up at Lightlost with a small, nervous smile, but that soon enough turned into a slight, fearful frown as he started to say more. “I w-worried you again. Didn’t I? I’m… I’m sorry Light. I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean to worry anyone! I didn’t!” But before the youngling could slip back down into the dark abyss, Lightlost softly soothed the fearful spark with a soft smile and a shake of their head.

“Sweetspark, don’t talk like that.” They said, as they helped Phoenix into a more upright sitting position, while still keeping the youngling safely in their arms. “Yes, we were worried. Especially the captain, but you shouldn’t stress yourself over how we feel. Right now, your wellbeing is far more important than what we’re feeling.”

“Still… I worried you, and I blew up in Rodimus’ face without any reason. I just… he said… It just came out. I didn’t mean for it to come out!” The tears that had tried returned, as Phoenix desperately tried to explain why this happened, and how sorry he was for worrying everyone. He didn’t mean to yell at Rodimus after all, and he didn’t mean to yell at Swerve either. That’s why he shut himself off in his room. “I… I can calm down b-better… better if I’m… I’m distracting myself…” Muttered the youngling, while staring down at his trembling servos. “It helps… Yea… it helps… makes it easier… always did. Mama hated watching me do stuff, but… but it made me feel better. A lot better…”

Some would say that this might have been a ‘good opportunity’ to ask Phoenix about why he yelled at Swerve and Rodimus, as soon as they brought up his creators and old crew, but Lightlost knew better. So did everyone present in and near the room. They knew that the youngling was in a fragile state of mind, and none of them wanted to trigger another panic. So, Lightlost gave Phoenix a friendly nudge and said with a smile on their lips, “What did you do then?” as a distraction. And Phoenix's whole face lit up, despite the tears and pain still present in the youngling’s optics.

“A good thing!” Declared the youngspark, as he scrambled out of Lightlost’s embrace and back on his feet, before quickly getting to his desk. Picking up his small wood carving project and presenting it to the cartographer as if it was the most precious treasure known to their kind. And to Phoenix, it was. Especially as he sat down next to Lightlost again and placed it into their servos. “Here, it’s a small Lost Light. It’s not all that good… I’m still learning to do this and ships are still a little bit hard, but I made it myself…”

“It looks wonderful.” Lightlost said, as they carefully moved the tiny wooden version of themself in their servos. Looking at it from all angles while praising Phoenix for his craftsmanship. “To think you made this all by yourself. It must have been hard.”

“Ah… it kinda was…. There were some attempts that didn’t turn out well… They all turned out wonky, or wrong, and I didn’t want that.” Phoenix chuckled, as he pulled his knees tightly to his body and hugged them. Smiling up at Lightlost, as he explained how many attempts he made, and how most of them ended up either in the scrap pile or as something else completely. However, as the cartographer asked the youngling about why he would want to carve a Lost Light, Phoenix turned nervous again. Glancing from Lightlost to Rodimus and the other mech he now recognized as Rung, and last to the small, green mech outside his room.

But before Phoenix could say that he didn’t feel comfortable with saying why when so many were around, Rodimus beat him to it. “Well, I guess you can take it from here Lightlost. Me and Rung still have some things to discuss.” Said the prime, as he nudged/shoved the psychologist out of the room, while the green minibot corrected the captain's wrong use of grammar. And only when Phoenix was sure that no-one else was with them, and the door was closed, did the youngling let out a long sigh as his body slowly started to lose the tenseness that had settled across his shoulder plating and back. “I… well… You see…” He started nervously. “It’s… well… ehm… it’s for you… I wanted to give you a gift, you know? Because you’re always… You’re always taking care of me and… and… and you make me feel safe. I… I hardly feel like that… And… the Lost Light might be the only place I… I can call my home… So… yea…”

There was a silence between them after Phoenix finished. And as the youngling looked up at Lightlost in worry, all he saw was a soft smile on their lips, before they carefully placed the tiny wooden Lost Light down and wrapped their arms around Phoenix. Cradling the youngling close to them, as Phoenix wrapped his arms around them in return.

“Thank you for the gift, Sweetsspark. It’s wonderful.”

“Glad you like it, papa.”

—

“Did you just call me the human version of sire?” Asked Lightlost with a small smirk, while Phoenix blushed in embarrassment.

“I DID NOT!”

[poptimus-prime]

I was considering making a sentient Nemesis because of @cuppajj's sentient Lost Light AU, and then I remembered a conversation I had where someone explained that the Nemesis ACTUALLY IS SOME GUY, and now I need to lay down.

[soundcrusher]

... 👀

Don't pull me back, don't give me ideas. Please, it won't end well...

Was just looking back through your Shattered Glass Sentient Lost Light AU and I have found the perfect song to go along with it.

https://youtu.be/Gl8GYCGfVWo

(Trigger warnings for cult mentions, graphic depictions of violence, blood, and psychological horror stuff, for anyone who needs it.)

OHHHH I can totally see this! It’s so good! The lyrics are great and I get that this is LL’s perspective. I love the cultish vibe, it’s like what if they were worshipped by someone(s?) who also gives them things to keep Rodimus alive. Messed up and I’m here for it 👀 SGLL has been on the brain recently and imagining a cult is fun lol

[cyber-streak-2]

*At Swerve’s*

Light Lost, concerned, approaching Swerve: Why were you up yesterday until 3am?

Swerve, tiredly: How did you know that I was up until 3am?

Skids, from a booth: I think we could all hear you clapping to the FRIENDS intro every 25 minutes.

//Sentient LL AU belongs to @cuppajj

[soundcrusher]

Little morning ramble incomming!

--------------------------------

So, I have mentioned it a little bit before, but Reg!Phoenix is an escape artist. Kinda.

He's able to get out of most traps, due to Second Fiddle having used him as life bait whenever they went out to hunt some Autobots. Adding to that, his past crew would oftentimes forget that Phoenix was still inside their newest trap, and with no-one else there to help him out, the kid had to learn to do it himself. He even came up with short names for the traps in order to recognize them. Mostly because it made things easier for him.

And while it was fun for him to try and figure a way out, he soon enough learned to hate it. Especially after he was trapped in a T-10 trap and forced to play bait for a gunslinger, who showed him more compassion than anyone else, next to Fools Shot. (This is also where Reg!Phoenix got his gun from. The gunslinger knew that he was going to die as soon as the kid's crew came, so, he made sure that Phoenix had something to defent himself with. The gunslinger couldn't leave a kid behind with no means of defend, after listening to his story.)

This is also one of the reasons why he's so good at getting out of rooms and sneaking through vents, next to his crew purposely locking him up in his room and leaving him there for days. (Phoenix was quick to learn to use vents as a means to escape, and to get to Fools Shot.)

-------

Side note!

I was actually planning on mentioning this in my other story "Meanwhile, in a nother Universe" (which is set in @cuppajj's Sentient Lost Light au).

Like, I wanted a good ol' standoff between Reg!Phoenix's old and new crew, just for the sole purpose on having a contrast from where he started and where he's now. But the standoff would come after a small portion of the crew, plus Phoenix, got trapped. With the kid having a small panic attack, before helping the others figure out on how to get out of a mix between T-10 and T-26.

It would also have served as an exploration on Phoenix's past, because the kid still hasn't told most of his story.

Up until then, the Lost Lighters would have known that the kid had a shitty past crew, but they wouldn't have known to what extend. (He would have also slipped up and told them why exactly he hates the colour yellow.)

And after that's over and everyone makes it back safely, Phoenix would have a long talk with Rodimus about the things he hasn't told anyone except Lightlost, before expressing his guilt over having unwillingly helped in the capture of many Autobots.

I mean, he has seen some 'bots getting either wounded or killed whenever he was forced to play bait. The feeling of guilt for helping someone like Second Fiddle is something that haunts him in his dreams. (Next to the things Reg!Tankcrusher did, but THAT's another beast entirely.)

[soundcrusher]

These will be my only contriputions for @cuppajj's Cookie Run Au... for now.