#semester exam 2021

[lucedilunax]

No hope - L. Hughes

pairing: Luke Hughes x girlfriend!reader

summary: Luke's girlfriend is facing huge problems with her relationship

warning: drinking, drug use, addiction, depression, suicide, death

words: 1.0k

note: this one is personal, i'm struggling with the pain but i decided to write about it to help me in this day since it's the first time without her on her day... happy birthday A, wherever you are queen❤️

masterlist

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Astrid and Luke had been definition of high school sweethearts. They’ve met when they were 16 but for two years none of them make a move to be together. Everyone could see that they are flirty with each other. Luke’s friends knew he has a crush on her and Astrid’s friends knew she has a crush on him. Their dynamic changed on one of the parties.

They played truth or dare. Luke picked dare and had to kiss Astrid. He blushed after hearing this, but he did it. The kiss was full of love and faith. When they pulled away, they were laughing staring into each other eyes. Luke found the bravery to ask her to be his girlfriend. She gladly accepted this offer, and they became inseparable.

Their idyll hasn’t lasted long. Couple months after they became official couple, both were leaving for college. Luke was going to Michigan University when Astrid was heading to New York University. They decided to do long distance because they were seeing future with each other. Everything was going smoothly. Luke had been calling her every single day, Astrid was sending him pictures and nonsense texts all the time. Until New Year’s Eve 2021.

Astrid was stuck in New York and Luke was stuck in Michigan. They couldn’t see each other when they’ve been planning this since the college started. She was mad that things haven’t worked out and she got drunk. She found out that alcohol helps her to deal with the pain she’s having from being away from each other. She stared drinking more and more. Every weekend was a great opportunity for her to get hammered.

Luke knew about it but haven’t said a word. He understood that she might be overwhelmed with her major and just wants to party in her free time. Although, he didn’t know she’s drinking because of their long distance relationship. Her classes had never been an issue but Astrid haven’t corrected him. She preferred him to believe it’s because of the college. She didn’t want to make him feel guilty.

Year 2021-2022 was over. Right after final exam, Astrid went to Michigan to see Luke. They spent every day of their summer break together. His brothers were joking that they are glued to each other but none of them cared about it. They tried to make as many memories as they could before going back to their separate lives. Three months went super fast, and they had to split again.

Luke in his second year put all his focus on hockey. He started to neglect their relationship. There wasn't everyday calls, he barely responded on her texts. On the other hand, Astrid focused on her major. She knew that her constant partying wasn’t a good idea, so she wanted to be the best student. It worked only for the first semester.

Soon after, Astrid came back to her old habits, but drinking wasn’t the problem now. She started to experiment with drugs. Luke was ignoring her to focus on his career. She understood that. She always felt that at some point, he’s gonna pick hockey over her. When he heard from her friends that she’s doing drugs now, his world stopped. Luke felt responsible for this. He decided to concentrate on her. He knew that he must train her if he wants to achieve big things but now, Astrid was his priority.

Her addiction got worst; she couldn’t function without drugs. She started ditching her classes. Astrid felt like a failure the whole time. She felt that she’s failing everyone, her family, her friends and most importantly, her boyfriend. She didn’t want to be a burden for others. She preferred to suffer alone. Luke was trying his best to help her, but it was difficult on long distance.

In April, Luke signed contract with New Jersey and soon after he was there in the city playing in NHL. Astrid was proud of him. She was very vocal towards him about her feelings with the signing. He moved to his brother’s apartment to live closer to the rink, but in every chance, he had, he was visiting his girlfriend’s dorm.

Instead of feeling grateful for having him by his side, Astrid felt horrible. She didn’t want him to see her in this state. She was pushing him away, always making excuses. She was telling herself that she didn’t deserve him. He was a professional hockey player, and she was just a student with depression and drug addiction. Her mind was playing tricks on her.

Astrid haven’t had the bravery to break up with him. She loved him deeply, but she knew there’s no hope for their relationship. She tried to do everything to force him to break up with her. Luke’s mind never crossed the thought of breaking up with her. She was the best thing that happened to him, and he wanted to help her with getting out of it.

After the season was over for Luke, he left her for couple of days. He needed to be back in Michigan. He told Astrid about this trip and promised her to be back as fast as he could. She was delighted that he was leaving her. She didn’t want to be a burden to him. She was into her mind for too long and wanted this to end. While he was gone, she decided to go on her last party.

Astrid went wild that night. She drank like there’s no tomorrow. She was mixing every alcohol and every drug she could. After the party, she hasn’t woken up. She never woke up again. She finally felt free from the pain she had been dealing with for the past two years. One thing she haven’t thought about before she decided to commit suicide was aftermatch of her decision.

Her family was heartbroken, their only child was gone. All her friends were mourning over her death. The one that had the biggest problem to accept this was Luke. He felt like it’s all his fault. He was beating himself for leaving her. He knew about her problems and struggles yet; he hasn’t helped her enough.

Luke was carrying the grief with him. He couldn’t forgive himself for what happened. He carried with him her picture in his wallet and her hair band on his wrist. He couldn’t believe she was gone but decided to cherish every moment they’ve spent.

---

I cried while writing this, thanks for reading❤️‍🩹

[sugaredoleander]

i just took my final ancient greek exam of the semester yesterday and have been avoiding studying for my microbiology exam all day. so let's talk about these three devastating lines from anne carson's translation of herakles

and by talk about i mostly mean here's a bunch of different translations

Ἡρακλῆς μαινόμενος - Herakles by Euripides, lines 1398-1400

c. 416 BC.

original text in Ancient Greek via the Perseus Digital Library

Euripides. The Complete Greek Drama, edited by Whitney J. Oates and Eugene O'Neill, Jr. in two volumes. 1. Heracles, translated by E. P. Coleridge. New York. Random House. 1938.

Herakles translated by Anne Carson in Grief Lessons: Four Plays by Euripides (pg 81-82) 2006

Internet Archive

H of H playbook by Anne Carson (not a direct translation but a reimagining of Herakles, 2021)

Euripides: Herakles, translated by Tom Sleigh, Oxford University Press, 2001

Ian C. Johnston, 2020

Heracles, translated by William Arrowsmith, from Euripides III: Heracles, the Trojan Women, Iphigenia Among the Taurians, Ion (The Complete Greek Tragedies - Euripides III, University of Chicago Press, 2013 (Arrowsmith's translation itself is from 1956)

my own translation with notes under the cut

* everywhere that I have used [] I have inserted a word that does not technically appear in the original text.

Theseus Stop! Give [your] hand [to me], [your] servant [and] friend. 

*more literally: Stop! Give [your] hand to a servant/helper [and] friend.

* Ancient Greek uses different punctuation, though the : symbol is used roughly the same way as it is in English and exclamation points are not used, verb conjugation in English does not differentiate the imperative mood, which παῦσαι (sg.2.aor.imperat.med-pass) is in, and often the way we show imperative mood in written English is with an exclamation point. 

-The word δίδου (sg.2.praes.imperat.act.) is also imperative. 

-παῦσαι is said in reference to Herakles’ earlier lines, lamenting his - well, the plot of Herakles.

* The particle δὲ has been omitted from the translation. It’s usually translated as but, and, or then. 

* The possessive pronoun your - σός - does not appear but is implied.

* χεῖρ᾽ is the short version of χειρός - hand

* ὑπηρέτῃ φίλῳ are both nouns in dative, here answering the question to whom? The word and - καί - does not appear between the two, likely because poetic language. The word ὑπηρέτῃ can also mean rower, an underling, servant, attendant, assistant, and is often translated here as helper. The word φίλῳ is a form of φίλος - friend, loved, beloved, dear

Herakles No, lest I wipe off blood on your garments.

* Word order changed slightly. The first word is ἀλλ᾽ - poetically shortened version of ἀλλά - usually translated as but, however, here: lest.

* ἐξομόρξωμαι (sg.1.aor.med-pass.) means wipe off or wipe away, but stain is, in my opinion, not an inaccurate translation in regards to the meaning conveyed.

* πέπλοις means any woven cloth, here usually translated as garments, robes or clothes. 

* αἷμα means blood and is grammatically either nominative or accusative, probably accusative, μὴ means not and σοῖς is a second person possessive pronoun in plural dative.

Theseus Wipe it off, spare naught: I [do] not refuse [you].

* ἔκμασσε (sg.2.praes.imperat.act.) - wipe it off - is imperative again, so is φείδου (sg.2.praes.imperat.med-pass.) - spare.

* μηδέν I translated as naught as in nothing, οὐκ means not

* ἀναίνομαι is in sg.1.praes.ind. - so present tense would be the most literal translation, ie. I do not refuse you, but the meaning might best be conveyed in English with the use of future tense, ie. I will not refuse you. The word can also mean reject, deny, renounce and disown, or be ashamed. Possible other translations: I don’t deny you; I won’t reject you; I am not ashamed; I won’t renounce you.)

That's all on Herakles, the rest is me rambling about Ancient Greek grammar for interested parties (mostly myself). If I could put a second cut here, I would.

Some further notes on the grammatical cases and verb conjugation. You'll have noticed that I've followed verbs with parentheses with some abbreviations. I'll break those down a little for those not in the know: unlike English, Ancient Greek has different endings to denote the person in verb conjugation - 1.sg being first person singular as in I, and so on with 2.sg - you, 3.sg he/she/singular they, 1.pl - we, 2.pl - plural you, 3.pl - plural they. There's also technically an extant dual form in some texts (when speaking of a pair of two) but it's rare. Ancient Greek conjugation also varies a lot by the temporal tense, the ancient greek times are present (praesens - praes.), future (futurum and futurum III), imperfect (imperfectum), strong and weak aorist (aor. - this one doesn't exist in any modern languages and is a bit of a jeremy bearimy but is usually translated as either present or past, depending on the context), perfect (perfectum), and pluperfect (pluscuamperfectum) - all of these except imperfect and pluperfect (which only have indicative forms) then have various forms - indicative (ind.), infinitive (inf.), imperative (imperat.), optative (opt.) and conjunctive (coni.). Verbs also have an active (act.) and middle and passive or active and mediopassive (med-pass.) form, except some verbs only have mediopassive versions and are thus translated as either active or mediopassive depending on the context. This is as complicated (and fun!) as it sounds. (editors note: the fun! was not sarcastic - i am a medstudent who hasn't had to take two semesters worth of classes on this, nor do i have to keep taking ancient greek next semester but i'm going to)

Nouns in Ancient Greek also have grammatical cases, nominative, genitive, dative, accusative and vocative, as do adjectives. They also have genders, and adjectives of course have positive, comparative and superlative (good, better, best) forms.

Ancient Greek also uses a lot of participles, which is like a noun-ified verb. Participles are also a concept in English, just - a lot simpler in English, and also I think in English a participle is a verb that has some characteristics of an adjective or noun, whereas in Ancient Greek participles and verbal adjectives are separate concepts. Participles are derived from verbs and have the same grammatical cases as nouns, nominative, genitive, dative, accusative and vocative, and singular and plural versions, and have three genders, masc., fem. and neut. - they also have active and mediopassive forms, and differ based on the temporal conjugation of the verb, retaining its augment, reduplication, characteristic added letters (for example σ in the future tense, and θη + σ in the passive future) or lack thereof, also they can have different endings or roots based on the tense. So, yeah, "conjugate and translate this verb in part.fut.pass.sg.masc.gen. and II aor.part.act.sg.acc.fem." is what a test question might look like at my level of studying ancient greek.

Sentence constructions also differ from English, some of the most common ones are AcI, NcI, genitivus absolutus. accusativus duplex and nominativus duplex. They also will often skip words (particularly the verb to be they often deemed unnecessary) and poetic language is its own can of worms with its own theoretical dialects and prosody.

All of this is like, barely scratching the surface, there's also a bunch of different dialects, stuff varies by era, all of the noun cases have like, a Bunch of different uses, and it's all terribly interesting.

[elsewhereuniversity]

The RA Immunity Treaty, and the one night it was broken

The spirit of the RA Immunity Treaty has only ever been truly violated once, in a 2021 incident that shook the core of every Elsewhere RA. While the nature of the Fair Folk and young people sometimes meant that the treaty’s exact wording was taken advantage of (at least once a year someone’s final exam schedule would be altered at the last minute or a musically talented RA not wearing their pin would be offered a quick trip under the hill) the mutual understanding of the RA’s role and importance was a sacred trust earning respect from the Fair Folk and students alike.

The incident took shape when the seventh daughter of one of Elsewhere’s most beloved RAs took up her mother’s old mantle in her final year of study. The mother was a 1992 grad, and held the distinction of being the only Elsewhere RA to negotiate the return every single one of her residents, every single semester, for her three years as an RA (and two years as a grad student). “The Fey were easier to negotiate with than our girls.” She’d bemoan to her partner when the girls became teenagers. The mother had passed her RA pin down to each daughter and then she pined it one final time on her youngest’s favorite jean jacket. The pin had tarnished some over the 30 years, but its luster still shone brightly and pushed each daughter’s heart in beating “bring them home. bring them home. bring them home.” The Fair Folk found each daughter to be as joyfully tenacious and verbally gifted as their mother, and delighted in their end of semester ventures under the hill. No daughter was exactly like her mother, and no sister was like the one who had proceeded her, but all loved the residents and changelings in their care. 

The seventh daughter wore her pin with pride, but she struggled with balancing her identity in her role, as new RAs and seventh daughters often do. The pin was affixed to her rain jacket as she completed her rounds that fateful night. As the clock struck 12, a mix of curiosity and perhaps a note of cruelty caused four water spirits to carry the RA under the hill. By 1am, the Head RA was aware she was missing. By 3am, every RA was at their post, pins affixed, salt packets out, and ready to defend their residents, including changelings, from whatever was coming. By 6am, the call had gone out, and the mother had returned. Six daughters walked behind the mother and their hearts beat out "bring her home. bring her home. bring her home.“ By 8am, every past RA within a two hours drive of campus stood at the base of the athletics building. Alumni from the past graduating class, all through the 1960s, more than 300 of them. Anger and confusion burned in their eyes. Current RAs ran up to the mother with toys from the dollar store, cream cheese packets, and Dunkin Doughnuts coffee. She waved them off. This was not a time for bartering. 

Their procession entered the tennis court, and greeted the Fey court as old friends. 

The mother stood before the Fey Queen. The Queen smiled, noting the mother’s salt earrings and silver wedding band. The mother did not return her smile. 

"30 years ago, I protected each and every one of your people as they passed through my halls. I was not unique. I was one link in the chain. Why violate it now?”

“A seventh daughter is a rare treasure.”

“My daughter is a treasure. She is loved beyond measure back in our world. Return her now, and we will continue to love and protect each of your children as they journey through our world. Do not gamble all of their safety against my one daughter." 

"You would risk every changeling for one daughter?" 

"I would risk everything for my daughter. Such is the oath every parent takes on, and such is the promise of being an RA at Elsewhere.”

“You are no longer an RA. You have no power here.” The Queen offered. Her tone placid, and gentle. The mother threw back her head and laughed.

“When I was 19, I swore an oath to bring them all home, to love those who deemed themselves unloveable, and to safeguard those behind me on their own journey. It’s true, I no longer complete rounds here but I have never turned my back on a lost child in a grocery store, I have loved those around me when they said they were unloveable, I have spoken for justice and built community wherever I went. I have not broken my oath. We are RAs from our first duty day to our last breath. We bring them home, and when needed, we bring home to them.”

The Queen nodded in understanding. Diplomacy was a fraught game, the mother had always been one of the better players. The mother spoke again.

“Return my child. Return the RA to her post. Return to the treaty.”

“I agree.” The Queen waved her hands and the daughter materialized. She sprinted to the arms of her sisters. The mother nodded her thanks, for she could not speak it lest she incur a debt, but turned and began to point the procession home.

The seventh daughter paused to hug her mother, then addressed the court. “I will see you in a month,” She promised. “You have three of my residents. I will bring them home.” And arm in arm with her sisters and mother, they went home.

-nameless

[tellniaconsults]

Learning accommodations request template

You are entitled to your education, and reasonable accommodations are required to be made for you, recognised as a right by the United Nations Convention on the Rights of Persons with Disabilities, article 24. Accessible and equitable education is also part of Australia’s disability strategy 2021-2031. I say this as a preface, because should you face resistance, it is important that you know your rights in this area.

Furthermore, you do NOT need to disclose your disability diagnosis, and the school or university is not supposed to ask. What they can request is a letter from a treating practitioner confirming you are eligible for disability supports. Your GP or an allied health professional can provide this.

Beyond that, you do not have to tell them your diagnosis. If asked, you can simply politely remind the person you are in discussion with that you do not have to disclose the nature of your disability, however you are happy to discuss your accommodation requirements.

I would recommend that for secondary school and University students you assume this letter will be required.

Accommodation request for school or university template:

Hello, My name is [Introduce yourself], I am a [Year level if in high school or course and year for university.]. I am writing to Request a meeting/a phone call/[other form of communication that meets your needs] to discuss learning accommodations in relation to my disability. Accommodations I am requesting are [state what you need. Examples include extra time on tests, the ability to type exams instead of writing, braille learning materials, sign language being available, different learning formats, extra time to get to and from classes, your classes being in close proximity to each other, exams in separate rooms, access to a clarifier for assessment tasks]. I have attached/will provide if needed a letter from my [Insert the type of practitioner who has provided or will provide your letter] which confirms the necessity of this/these accommodations. [if you have requested a in person discussion, phone call, video chat or any form of discussion that requires scheduling, at this point offer three dates + times you could have said discussion.] [if you have not requested a schedulable conversation, request an email back with a term that has an appropriate level of urgency. ‘as soon as possible’, ‘at your earliest convenience’, ‘before the term / semester begins’] so that we can ensure that everyone is on the same page. Thank you for your time, [your name again]

Who would you send this to?

Your school’s additional needs program or disability support program.

relevant resources:

[khalidistan]

claude and cyril from 2021.

I drew this during my final semester on the island. I was having a really hard time going back to "in-person" schooling (we still didn't have in-person lectures. they wanted us back so we could take the shelfs in-person and to crash-course us on the physical exam before our hospital placement. other than those few days, everything else was online).

in particular, I really missed my baby sibling. so I drew claude with his baby sibling cyril! the art made me super happy at the time (still does) and is a good reminder to myself about how I can use art as catharsis and healing.

[universitykart2932]

https://universitykart.com/university/universitydetails/assam-down-town-university/

Assam Down Town University, Guwahati

Assam Down Town University was established through the Assam Down Town University Act, 2010 in the state of Assam, India in 2010. The university is located in Panikhaiti, Guwahati, the capital of Assam.

Assam Down Town University is one of the top University in Guwahati, Assam. Here are the details about ADTU - Courses, Fees, Placements, cut off, Ranking, Facilities, Reviews.

Assam Down Town University become set up via the Assam Down Town University Act, of 2010 withinside the kingdom of Assam, India 2010. The college is positioned in Panikhaiti, Guwahati, the capital of Assam. The campus is primarily based out of a 42 acres campus overlooking the Brahmaputra River, best 12 km from the Assam State Secretariat, Dispur; the capital complicated of the state of Assam.

Accreditation and Ranking

Assam Down Town University[ADTU], Guwahati was approved by UGC and accredited by NAAC.

Courses Offered 

Assam Down Town University [ADTU], Guwahati courses are offered at various levels like Undergraduate Degrees (i.e BBA, BCA, Bachelor of Science (B.Sc.) Computer Science, etc.), Postgraduate Degree (i.e MBA HR (Human Resource), MCA, Bachelor of Technology (B.Tech.) Mechanical Engineering, Master of Science (M.Sc.) Computer Science, etc.), Pharmacy Degree (i.e. B.Pharm, D.Pharma) and Doctoral levels and many more. You can also find a brief overview of the different courses the university offers across various disciplines with their specializations on the Course page.

Facilities and Infrastructure

Residential Accommodations:

Boy's and women's hostels were made to be given to college students for convenience. The seats want to be booked earlier than the beginning of the semester.

Library: 

The central library of the college is stretched over a place of 12,000 sq. ft. and includes greater than 25,000 books, country-wide, and worldwide journals.

Labs: 

Well-geared up and technologically superior laboratories were set up below the worried departments to impart realistic know-how to the college students.

Cafe/Mess Facility:

The cafeteria on the college premise offers snacks and exquisite drinks to the college students. The cafeteria can accommodate a very good variety of student

Admission

Admission to this university is selected on the basis of an entrance exam conducted on the National level.

Placements

ADTU recorded 95% placements withinside the 12 months of 2021. The maximum CTC supplied became INR 30LPA, even as the common bundle became INR 8 LPA. The college has collaborated with greater than three hundred recruiting companions and secured greater than 700 processes gives for its college students.

Some of the pinnacle recruiters encompass multinational and country-wide companies together with Amazon, BYJU’s, Wipro, TCS, Cognizant, Capgemini, IBM, HCL, Accenture, P&G, Cipla, Nestle, HP, Genpact, Apollo Group, NIMHANS, Taj Chennai, Lemon Tree Group of Hotels, and Radisson Group amongst many others.

The quality and facility of Assam Down Town University

Assam Down Town University (ADTU) is one of the leading universities in North East India, offering its students a unique amalgamation of professional and academic excellence. ADTU has coupled the experience of top industry leaders and renowned academicians to foster a worldly approach toward life and its challenges among the students. Being the largest educational group in Assam, AdtU has more than 8000 students and over 250 faculty members.

Vision and Mission of ADTU

The students coming from various parts of India as well as from abroad, AdtU is fast growing into a center of ethnical and cultural diversity. A continuous emphasis on modern teaching methods, global links for research, students exchange programs, world class infrastructure, assured placement, diversity of students and industry-institute interactions have consistently placed.

[pidayforpi]

[Personal, somewhat very emotional stuff]

This "burnout / stressed-out / depressed" episode of mine at the moment reminds me of similar episodes in the past.

Specifically, the summer of 2021, which some of my old DC buddies may know and remember about.

Actually, the pattern/symptoms/feelings are almost identical, which I don't know how to feel about. I am somewhat relieved that this is not an isolated incident (it never was, actually), and I know past experience tells me that things will get better; but every "relapse" feels just as bad (sometimes worse, like this time), and I personally fear the concept of relapse/moving backwards very, very much. It is a somewhat irrational fear - I know - but there was a certain period in my life that I would do almost anything to avoid going back to. That I fear I would fall back into.

And every time, this fear paralyses me. Because I never know when a small tripping stone of sadness can make me fall back into that abyss of depression - a place I can never, ever go back.

Although I know the sadness will pass eventually, I fear how long this time will take for it to pass. Because it once took years.

This time is arguably much harder to deal with, mainly because there is a continuing stressor going on. (I now realise stress makes me depressed, which is something I should have realised much sooner) Before, I was usually depressed after a stressor, so I had time and space for me to mope around without anything I need to do.

This time? The stressor is so continuous and long, I guess my mind decided it could not wait until the stressor ends to be depressed. So now I'm stressed and depressed. And I still have to go on.

Which is absolutely not ideal and honestly very terrible.

It has been consistently very hard since the year started, probably because I really can't do anything about it at the moment, when there is an exam, an interview, and a new semester immediately after. The situation was the same last year (minus the interview) - and I also felt stressed and depressed last year - but this year is much, much worse.

Mood is constantly very bad, with almost every symptoms/signs you can find online when you look up "symptoms/signs of stressed and depressed" (which were the same signs I had when I was stressed and depressed in the past). One thing new (?) is mood swings, when there are better times (usually at night for some reason, which was when I had the energy to write this), and absolutely pathetic times.

There are also a lot of worries. Some stupid but intrusive, some substantial but overwhelming. I guess it is because I am stressed in addition to depressed. A mind of depression alone would be mostly blank and empty, instead thoughts crashing every time and everywhere.

I know what I have to do. I know what I have to believe in, to tell myself. I have gone through this in the past, I should know. "Never despair, never run away." And I am trying, but it is just so hard when there are both internal and external obstacles at the same time.

I thought summer 2021 was already rock bottom, but this is undoubtedly a new low. I thought I would never have to go through such crippling episode again, but apparently no. I remember feeling the same feeling 2.5 years ago: The same depressed, hopeless feeling. Now, I know that 3 months later, when autumn 2021 came, things would be much, much better. Maybe 3 months later, when spring 2024 comes, things will be much, much better too.

But at this moment, it is just hard to imagine. Even if I can imagine, it is just hard to believe. Even if I can believe, it is just hard to wait even a day longer.

This "random thoughts" kind of went off course and turned into a full-on vent, when I originally wanted to write something slightly more positive / less emotional. Regardless, even if I don't have any motivation at all, I will try to write down my thoughts (among other things). I remember also telling myself to write down and share my thoughts back in summer 2021, which led to me at least reconnecting with my DC friends, with whom I had disconnected for 2-3 months suddenly. I still have the thought passages I shared with them 2.5 years ago, and when I read them again now...the feelings are/were just the same 2.5 years later.

Honestly I don't know how much I can do at the moment. I am only writing this when I am feeling somewhat better (and even then this is somewhat incoherent, sorry). The mood swings come quickly and last varyingly; and again, the stressor is still here this time. There are times I tell myself I will write out an infodump - sometimes even a short story - but then a sudden (negative) mood swing renders them only ideas and not realities.

The most I can do are "passive" things (even which I constantly lack time and motivation to do), like art-browsing and fic-reading (was reading a Paw Patrol story which triggered my Hinamizawa Syndrome infected brain). I would love to give more detailed comments to those wonderful artists - and I will try - but all I can do is try. There are also messages I have been wanting to send to some lovely people (as well as some asks/messages from lovely people that I absolutely have to reply to), but try is all I can do at the moment, unfortunately.

Looking back at the conversations/passages I have written in the past, I used to be more open about my feelings and thoughts (although I never was the type to wear my heart on my sleeves). This "openness" had led to some writings of mine which I now cringe at, but honestly I prefer those cringy writings than not writing anything at all.

I keep a list of "comments" I have given throughout different platforms (such as DC long conversations and Ao3 story comments) (the list is literally named "Insert Comments" in Japanese). I started to realise the list gets updated less and less frequently. And what I do say are getting shorter and boring.

Which - again, like most "bad habits" I have realised myself developing recently - is not ideal + I am trying + But there's only so much I can do in this circumstance.

Another bad habit I absolutely have to break is to be more active (which I know I have said many times). I used to go on DC daily, engaging in fandom/friend groups and a public gaming server where I had been somewhat very active in. These servers (and the people there) had been with me through difficult times, including said time in 2021. There had been times where I became suddenly inactive, but I would try to go back as soon as I can, even to just read others' conversations.

Now? I don't know since when, this routine suddenly became unimportant, that I can somehow do without. I have never been a sociable person, nor chronically online to start with. But withdrawing completely? That wasn't healthy of me, and I should have known that was a sign of something going on.

(But even then, what can I do about it? This is a question that keeps looping in my mind during these days, when I look back at "what I could have done better to prevent this episode from happening".

Honestly, I can't think of a solution. There is nothing more I can do.)

[Attached with a photo I took during a trip with my family back in December 2023. Mostly for them to visit some old friends, but we did go somewhere else as well. That was a beautiful journey. I would have really enjoyed it, or maybe even been inspired, if I hadn't been a depressed mess.]

[Funnily, we had also gone on a trip in December 2022, and I had also been a depressed mess during that trip. Before the Dec 2023 trip (and before I got depressed), I told myself to not be a depressed mess during this trip, so that I could fully enjoy the journey. Everything was going great. The trajectory was going absolutely well. And then I ended up being an even worse depressed mess.]

(12-1-2024)

[xxhanachanxx]

🥂🎊💋can we stay up all night~

Fuck a jetlag~

So, um… there’s so much that I have to say regarding what I’ve been through throughout this entire year - as I’ve said before, and making fun art aside, 2022 was a shitshow for me. What was it that made me back out with fulfilling my expectations and projects that never happened this year? I’ve had my fair share of speaking about focusing on my college classes and personal life, and trying to do better before, and I know you guys have been appreciative of me in putting that first before art, but where I had to step away from everything and being myself for a bit was taking and retaking intermediate calculus to the point I’ve never felt the same ever since the first attempt in taking it and failed. (Instead of having the post filled with a lot of text and overwhelm everybody, I encourage you to click on the “Keep reading” tab - tl;dr: there’s a happy ending, I’m my happy and normal self again (...at least for now-), and I did this drawing for the sake of my self-indulgence~)

Let the tangent begin - at that point during the pandemic and with taking online classes before going back on campus in late 2021, I was an absolute perfectionist in making sure that I can be able to pass my classes - taking a calculus I class back in spring 2021 was my first math class after taking precalculus/trigonometry back in spring 2020, and there was stress building up on me whether I would fail or succeed at it. I got a B in that class, and I would take calc II over the summer for 8 weeks afterwards; that class was even stressful with me doing classwork nonstop and no free time for me whatsoever, and as I thought that I did pretty badly with the performance I had in that class, I passed with a C! And then calc III came around that fall, and my first attempt was bad; some stuff in my personal life was eating me up and I’ve been too focused on getting things done for other classes. And when I had my second attempt in that class back in spring of this year, I made sure that I wouldn’t fail again but oh was I wrong - stress and focusing on other classes were eating me up again, and I failed again. Leading to my third and final attempt, I took everything steadily for this year’s fall semester and I truly made it clear that I will pass calc III; there were a few bumpy roads, but in the end… once my final exam for the class got graded, and went to go on Canvas to see that my overall grade for the class was a D, I was iffy for a few seconds and then I check my grades in my student services for the college I go to just to see that my final grade for calc III for that semester was a C! I’m happy that I finally passed, and I’m beyond fortunate to at least get a happy ending after a shitty year! So yeah, if you’re wondering why I haven’t been my happy and usual self, I kept retaking calc III to the point it drained me and made me question how to move forward with me majoring in mathematics (I really don't know how much I would talk about this kind of stuff, but I do need to take it easy and limit myself)! And for the time being, I’m going to celebrate passing the class with some R&R after carrying the bs on my back and self-indulgence! 😌💅🏼

Alrighty moving on from all of that, onto the drawing! Well, self-indulgence aside, I may or may not have been contemplating drawing this for a while now, and I just want to try capturing the happiness and celebration of what I’ve been feeling lately - and given the fact that last year’s New Years drawing was done on FireAlpaca and you guys enjoyed it, I figured that I should do it again, and it’s for the best anyway as I need to get end-of-the-year projects done instead of getting this (…and another drawing 👀) finalized! One thing’s for sure, I’ve at least fulfilled my promise in getting out of my comfort zone by sharing drawings done in FireAlpaca instead of doing full rendering on SAI this year - thank you for that! 💖

And most importantly, and maybe I should try getting out of my comfort zone to say ‘thank you’ more, despite everything I’ve been through, with love and gratitude I’m forever grateful for the support and appreciation you’ve given me and my content; thank you for taking your time and day in acknowledging and appreciating with what I can do - to my followers, friends, and mutuals, this one’s for you!

And that’s all I have to say - so so long 2022, you nasty fuck! Hoping that 2023 will come with and give us all greater things and happiness! Here’s to 2023, thank you so much for everything~ ♡♡♡

[amoebaanecdotes]

update!!!

It has been wayyyyyyyyy too long. I am so sorry I have not been on here at all. I had a very busy summer and very busy semester and completely forgot about this account. I kind of fell out of love with writing and reading but I think I am back now.

I am still very much into my main man Saul but something very 2021 came over me recently and I am very interested in Otto Octavius/Doc Ock and that whole scene.

I have an idea for a few pieces but I am always down for requests. My semester is almost over, next week being my last exam, and I am free for the rest of the month to write my little heart out. Love you guys and thanks for being patient!!

[inkofamethyst]

March 27, 2023

I swear it, one of these days I’m going to have something to talk about other than admissions and while we’re getting close, today is not yet that day.

I really need to get this out and release this some of this negative energy because it’s beginning to gnaw at me.  When I was admitted to my undergrad institution, I took all the things they said about other undergrads during my interview day personally.  I had a rough first semester because I was so focused on whether I was going to be able to live up to the high standard of a select few scholarship recipients who were highlighted on my interview day months prior.  Fulbright fellows, Rhodes scholars, Churchill scholars, public health activists, entrepreneurs, high-impact undergraduate researchers... and I felt like I had to prove my worth to my university, prove that I was worthy of the distinction, of the investment, by reaching those same heights.  And I couldn’t imagine reaching that level when I was struggling (read: unable to get As on lab reports and exams) in my first semester gen chem lab.  Before the interview at my Choice B... no, before I stood by my poster last year at the conference, the first semester of my freshman year was the last time I’d felt such intense academic imposter syndrome, and it’s the only time that it has lasted for longer than a few hours.  The Covid-19 pandemic was awful for me personally in a lot of ways, but separating me physically from school and allowing me to focus exclusively on myself was probably instrumental in tearing down that imposter syndrome, that need to prove myself and my worth.  Ultimately, I didn’t need to prove anything, I realized.  I just needed to focus on myself and finding a personally fulfilling career path, and I did.  And I’ve been so much happier for it (the two semesters where I considered “dropping out” (read: wondered whether I wanted to keep doing school after graduating), I was taking physics, and that explains that).

Should I choose to attend my Choice E (which becomes more and more likely by the day)... I am legitimately worried about those feelings returning and hitting hard.  Attending one of the most well-regarded institutions in the world, being considered the top most desired applicant of my respective pool even if I’m not awarded the ~special fellowship~, being told from multiple people that the PI is really looking forward to me joining the lab... I know I am a good student.  (I also know that being a Black woman in STEM, in anthropology, is part of what makes me desirable, and there’s no skirting around the fact that I will be “helping” my program’s reputation just as they’re helping mine, albeit to a lesser extent.)  I know I can rise to nearly any level with a bit of sweat and determination.  But I feel way out of my depth right now.  And due to the lack of explicit expectations, I am imagining ones into being that may not be reachable, realistically.

Maybe being aware of the potential for imposter syndrome will help mitigate the brunt of it.

[edit 2, an hour later: I have remembered what time of the month I’m getting close to and think that might account for at least some of these feelings]

Remember how I wanted to go on one of the outdoor adventure thingies my uni offers?  Remember how I wanted to go kayaking??  Well, I found a trip I liked and woke up at 5:55 am to register for one of the spots when the portal opened at six because apparently the spots go quick and ALL NINE SPOTS WERE GONE WITHIN A MINUTE.  This time there wasn’t a cute guy leading it who I wanted to get to know better and try/practice flirting on tbh (ahem, September 27, 2021), so I’m not overly upset about losing out, but I couldn’t manage to return to sleep before getting up an hour later which was unfortunate.

WAIT HOLD ON BACK TO THE ORIGINAL TOPIC: The admitted cohort at my Choice E was just sent a cute lil group email from the department and naturally I snooped into their LinkedIn profiles and uh... a few notes.  First of all, half of us are already affiliated with the university.  Take a step back and think on that for a second before we continue.  Okay.  (And I’m not going to pretend like I didn’t have my own advantages in this process, but still.)  Another went to undergrad at an Ivy, the other worked for a time at an Ivy-adjacent.  I can’t claim any of that.  Secondly, I am almost certainly the youngest of the bunch here.  None of them are undergrads currently.  Third, I do not feel nearly as accomplished as some of these folks, ha.  And I know, I know, I know, PhD acceptances are also about “potential” and “investment” and maybe being an undergrad during covid limited my opportunities to some extent or whatever but I still feel like I wasn’t that fantastic of an investment for my undergrad uni regardless of how thankful I am to be debt free.  And that’s the my cold hard truth (admittedly, representing my university as the sole student from that university at a national conference last year is probably a sizeable accomplishment).

But I can’t go to this event like a child among adults.  I can’t go to this event already quaking in my boots with imposter syndrome.  I haven’t even accepted the offer yet.  Now I’m really glad I didn’t do the LinkedIn snoop when my Choice D sent that group email.  It only would’ve psyched me out.  If I’m going to have any chance in academia I’m going to have to either get thicker skin or learn to hide my emotions better.  I think... I think I want to apply for more things.  I think I need to experience more rejection.  And it’s also the only way to pad up that resume with those really really impressive things.  

Dunno why but I wasn’t really feelin the vibes in rehearsal today.  Felt kinda dead.  Might be because I’ve been braiding every free second for the past three days and I still haven’t finished and I still have so much for school to do by tomorrow (technically due tomorrow night but I’d rather get it all out of the way) but I can’t travel with a half-braided head but I don’t want to go to bed late tonight :(  AND I STILL GOTTA PACK AGH

Maybe I will sacrifice tonight and just go to bed way early tomorrow :(  I’ll finish one assignment, do enough of my hair to hide the unfinished sections in a ponytail or something (I have twenty-one parts left and the only person I can blame for having so many (AND IT’S NOT LIKE THEY’RE TINY) is myself, unfortunately) then finish braiding at home tomorrow [edit, like two second later: but I gotta admit Imma look so good with them once they’re done???  my first time doing color 4, they’re a hot 26″.. whew], take a shower and hope my sections don’t poof up, “pack” (throw clothes in a suitcase and fold them neater at home), do/draft one more assignment, then go to bed.  Maybe not in that exact order, but those are the goals.  Four hours-ish max if I start now.  I can do this.  

Today I’m thankful that the weather was nice outside today even if I didn’t really get to enjoy much of it.  It’s Spring again~

[annachronisme]

I just remembered that when I saw Encanto ( me and my friends almost shat urself because of Isabella's song cause she says like row of roses in og and in FR they said 'mes roses sont rose and rose' is fr word for pink so we're trying our best to not disturb the five other person in the room because we were like 'WHOUA congratulation gurl ur roses are fucking rose U DONT SAY' anyway) and while watching my feral writersbrains on an MHA phase was like HEY IDEAA and I though about it for months I'm not even joking I saw encanto late december in 2021 and almost spent my whole second semester of 2022 thinking about it, planning and drawing it. And now that I started to really use this blog for my fics and arts I will now explain to you my Encanto/My Hero Academia extensives fanfic idea enjoyyy

TW : mention of sui**de and of abuse (I don't go into detail to the best of my ability)

The parallel between Mirabel and Izuku is mind blowing (Waiting on a Miracle was like textbook quirkless Izuku of the start of MHA yes ?) So I thought of this : Imagine if quirkless people had a things, a sort of ritual, that one would do when they were going to end their life its like super simple juste light a white candle (I hadn't though of the implication so far but I was thinking something like to represent those who went before them those still living and those that would follows it that makes sense ?) Imagine Izuku that was just told by Bakugou ukw and All Might saying No u can't be a Hero ? Whitout going into details Izuku does the candle things but before he dies the candle juste burst to life and saves him in a burst of lights ((I should draw that ....)) and it's a crossover it is NOT an AU

In this crossover... Izuku is a direct descendent of Mirabel. Madrigal, Midoryia same thing. And when Izuku did what he did the Miracle of familia Madrigal protected him like it protected them before. Izuku was saved by the Miracle but the Miracle is directly linked to him now and thats mean that now he can use the powers of the miracle. And he can see the Madrigals too and can interact with them and that the story of how Izuku Midoryia gots his quirk and got trained by ghost of his ancestors.

Imagine how he would pass the entrance exam the physical portion part would be something to watch for sure because he use a lot of different things while the only information they have on the quirk is that it's called somethings like legacy or Madrigal's legacy and All might thinks that AFO is behind it because it is not normal blablba. So he really does a good impression etc (specially Nezu that boy smart and he knows it)

the drawbacks of Legacy are things like migraines, sensory overlord, sore muscle to the point he can't move etc he has drawback for almost all gifts because while the Madrigal's lived with their power for years etc he just got them. + He has to shape up a lot for Luisa's gift and he can't use it often so he doesn't rely on it.

List of power goes as this : -Super Force (Luisa) - Flora control (Isabella) - Healing (Julietta) - Wheater control (Pepa) - Future Vision (Bruno) - Shapeshifting (Camillo) - Animal Affinity (Antonio) - Super Hearing (Dolores) -Casita (I love the theory where casita spirit is Mirabel's abuelo)

Loving the wholesome moment with other Madrigals etc and of course adding my favorite part the one were he gets adopted by Aizawa because that my idea and I decide.

was also thinking of making Izuku's father reaaaaaly similar physically to Bruno and him being a good dad but completely clueless to what happened with Izuku (I want Hisashi Midoryia to be an Historian/Archélogue and that's what he will be.)

ah and he's hero name is Mariposa.

I will post Fanart etc soon keep watching !

[world-of-wales]

Not me missing the Earthshot Awards in both 2021 and 2022 because of end semester exams 😭😭😭😭

[playwords]

THE BIGGEST EXAM SENSATION IN THE COUNTRY

Board exams- a word that is often accompanied by an infusion of fear and apprehension in the mind and soul of an individual, an event in the life of every Indian student that brings with it a great amount of pressure from parental and school side, a platform to face competition for the first time and the premiere milestone in this arena of what we call life. I, having had a first hand experience of the days of the life of a tenthie, stepped into the year 2021 all set for the ICSE Class X Board Examination, ready to face whatever hurdles were thrown at me and to endure a constant insecurity about my preparation. Fresh out of my lockdown days, it took some time getting back to the regular school routine and making myself comfortable with the idea of the two semester system that the council had introduced for the board takers, owing to the extraordinary situation. The year as always began with a long lecture from our teachers about how important the following year would be, testing every bit of our patience, intellect, dedication, perseverance and all the other things required, leaving us in a bit of what felt like dilemma, that we were finally in the class everyone dreaded. All the kids, obviously to get a head start, already joined into tuition classes for all subjects but at the end of the day, it really comes down to how much you can retain and understand. The year passed by with the ever looming dread of the boards over our heads all the time, threatening and warning us. Two preboards in school made me pretty annoyed at how many times you could do the same things again and again. It turns out now when I’ve passed my class X with a whopping score of 98.4 that it was a hoax planned by our teachers. My board year was nothing like what I’d been told by people. I enjoyed it like any other and did not cut down on any of my activities or hobbies. Of course half the credit goes to my parents for not being the villains in my life and believing that I’d do well. I’m just gonna say that as long as you manage to keep a cool head and a calm aura right up to the day of the exam, trust me nothing can take those marks away from you. You need to trust the knowledge that you have, all that you’ve learnt and just give it your best shot. Coz people if you’re not the school topper or things didn’t go as planned, it’s not the end of the world please. You can plan again, try once more and you can choose your board year the way you want it to be. There are no implications on you so just work the best you can in a way that’s more convenient to you.. it does teach you a lot, somehow shapes you into a better person- someone who can handle stress when they have to. So for the people who think boards are a nightmare, guys just relax and play along because life goes on and at the end of the day, so do you.

Thanks Mom and Dad for just being there when I didn’t feel like myself at all and for not being like all the other parents, for not letting me become boring just for a board exam. By Sheryl, fresh passout from class X

[asbestieos]

we used to be friends, way before, and like, wow, youve gone so far, proud of you

🥹🥹🥹 oh my goodness!! anon if youre who i think you are (i am somewhat confident in my silly hunch), im so happy to know youre still out there even if we dont talk anymore!!! admittedly i have the most terrible memory ever so i barely remember much of our time together (i wish i remembered more!! but as is, i cant even remember the last time i showered lmfao) but since its been such a long time, i hope its ok if i give you a Riley Life Update of the past.. two, three years? <- it feels like it has been longer than that 😭😭

2020!! i graduated!! i enrolled in school! i girlslayed hard! however due to World Events, i cant go to school in person and am relegated to online classes in my room </3 unfortunately im also in the deepest depths of my genshin phase and ran both my own And denver’s acc. sometimes i paid for her acc’s battlepass too it was bad DBDKBFJ

2021! girlslaying starting to fail from burnout and severe depression from being shut in! i passed my first semester exams with flying colors! i failed all but one of my second semester exams. also come january im both afflicted with covid and experiencing a bad bed bug infestation. #girlsuffering. i dropped out in the summer ^_^ this is when the terrible moodswings hit (i thought they were moodswings but as it turns out, i was incredibly emotionally unstable!! more on this later)

2022!! last year oh my gosh! denver and jasper/moth and i started talking about moving in together, which requires me to have money of course. so aprilish i get a job! i work at starbucks! i girlslay REALLY hard. i also start playing ensemble stars (the beginning of my curse……..). come july i had a massive breakdown and almost broke up with denver and our mutual friend group 👍 it was Bad bad.. but things worked out? <- this experience has led me to believe im probably a bpd haver becos of how wildly unstable i am. fun! crasy asf!

moving plans fall through as summer goes by, im still employed at my job, still havent gotten my license yet but it is ok i will get it soon, and come 2023, moving plans are back on!! hopefully will be seen-through ny the time summer comes…

tldr i have bpd, i dropped out and got a job, im gay a shit over idol bot gacha game, and by summer, ill hopefully be moved in with denver!! yeha those are the important updates! for me at least. randys in college now btw!!! in her sophomore year!! shes incredible truly! she lives on campus so i usually only see her once a month or so but shes literally awesome ^_^

very long update post and i made it all about me 💔 theres history between us that ive unfortunately forgotten and im sad that ive forgotten (then again i could always read back, but every time ive tried, ive only cringed at myself like OOGH is that me?? sickening) but im really glad to have gotten this anon!! if youre not the person i think you are thats okay and also i am sorry i assumed UEGEJVFDJF i needed this i think to try and reflect back on. the crazy ass time my newrly three years of adult life has been.. im 21 in july!!! crazy as hell!

i also hope the formatting is ok, i try to break up big paragraphs w/o starting a brand new one for the sake of readability <:] i think i mightbe learned that from you? i dont remember though guwbddjjd.. but i think about you on the occasion as i do with everyone ive ever met ever and im glad to know youre still kicking it like i am.. life is rough a hell 💔

theres not enough words i can say that can make up for not remembering us too well and also for saying and doing hurtful things to you if theres one thing ive not forgotten, its that i was not a very nice person way back when. but i hope now youre in a better place and you have friends who love you just as much as i did and still do!!

i have to go to work but uuwheuehehhehehrhfht thank you for reaching out anon i hope this post was nice to read and feel free to live in my inbox for forever, even if you wanna stay anonymous forever i dont mind! if youre not the person i was thinking of, rest well with the joy that youve given me a moment to reflect on myself euwhhwrh but if you ARE the person i was thinking of. im sorry i hurt you. and thank you!! i love you!! im glad you were a part of my life. i hope your day is good and your tomorrow is better!! live in my inbox if it pleases you!!

EDIT: FROGOR TO SAY IM PROUD OF YOU TOO 👍

[separatist-apologist]

How do u usually deal with semester exams? Urgent need for tips!!

Babe I graduated May 2021 so my best advice is to graduate and pretend none of it ever happened.

[bohemianpeanutbutterent]

My Death Wish

(this is to keep record of how I've been working towards a goal of mine. I'm doing it for myself, so if you come across this post, keep scrolling.)

To do:

Request college credits Request college report Request letters of reccomendation Certificado de Estudios Essays on Common App Goethe C1 exam Financial Aid Documents

Goals for next semester: Join IEEE GPA (2.8/3) Goals for summer: 60% Goethe C1 Volunteering at Community Theater (100 hours)

Done:

High School Transcripts High School Diploma Dimploma de Bachiller SAT (1490) TOEFL (110) GPA College (2.58/3.00) GPA High School/Bachillerato (4.0)

Extracurriculars: Scouts (2015-2020) Classical Vocal Performance (2023-) Debate team (2019-2021) Seminario de Informática (2019-2024) Musical Theatre Workshop (2023) Church Choir (2023) Sabbath School Teacher (2024) Music (piano) (2017-) Class President (2023) HTML, CSS, Python, C, C# Volunteering: Maths and Physics Tutor (120 hours)