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pandoraimperatrix · 3 years ago

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Cockblocked by Batman’s son

BatCat | Humour/Romance | 1,4k

The fucker was on her for a while, and as much as their cat and bat game was fun, it was beginning to get in the middle of her business. There was this tiny small Brazilian island with her name on it, and unfortunately it was hard to steal whole islands than jewellery, so, of course, to steal some of the latter to get her island. She was calling it her retirement plan.

She was so close to her goal 12 million goal, only 10k to go, the job had been a god send, a rich collector had just acquired an Edwardian aquamarine and diamond brooch that have been on her client’s list for ages, thank goodness it was not her style at all, so she wouldn’t be tempted. It was easy enough, the security system was not what she expected from her research, but it had been fun to crack it, it was good to be surprised sometimes, she thought, kept her on her toes.

Her prize was already safely inside her bag, and Selina was ready to leave, when he appeared dark and broody, cape flowing behind him like a vampire on a silent era movie.

“Put it back.”

“Oh for Bastet’s sake!”

She ran, he went after her, and to be fair she was having fun taunting him, but there was something odd about that night, usually he gave her a little more of work, he seemed to be lagging. She even looked behind a few times to see if he was still following her, because there was nights in which would just leave to take care of an actual life threating crime. Selina thought that was the case and stopped to look, as much as the danger of him actually catching her and taking her prize back was not null, it almost felt like a let down when he’d just leave like that without a proper goodbye. He had no manners! Have no one taught him how to treat a lady?

Not that she was one.

She turned away and head back small rooftop apartment on East End, she had just entered her home, and pulled the cowl off her head when she felt a massive weight smash against her back throwing her on the floor. Fear struck her even harder, had the celling just fallen? She screamed for her cats to find safety before she managed to wiggle her body around enough to get an idea of the situation.

“What the actual fuck!”

The celling was intact and what was currently pressing her to the floor was the wall of meat known as the Batman.

“Put… it back.”

And then his eyes closed. She had never been close enough to notice before, but they were blue.

Read on AO3

It was embarrassing. She was tied up to a bomb. Heist gone wrong, well, it was good that he appeared since it was his fault that there was a heist at all. After leaving her flat while she napped after playing his personal Florence Nightingale all night, he repaid her by stealing her brooch!

Can you believe it?

The ingratitude?

The disrespect?

It was entirely his fault that she was obligated to break into that stupid warehouse to steal her new mark – an art deco diamond bracelet with an asscher cut, totally her style, she was already planning how to get it back, for free, of course. It was not her fault that the intel that got forgot to inform her that it was the same warehouse that had been used by Don Malone to hide drugs. And that when she broke in the place was no empty and Malone’s goons thought she was working for Falcone. Of course, no one believed her when she told them that she didn’t have anything to do with that.

You know, that’s why Selina had no trouble lying, because the truth hardly matters when someone wants to fuck you up, they will just do it for good measure, for fun, because sometimes you bloody deserve it for being the fool that nursed the fucking Batman back to health and were robbed by him.

But then, just as was she was about to accept that was how she’d meet her maker, a little leprechaun fell from the roof and said in a squeaky voice that she’d be okay.

“Geez, freaks are getting younger every day!”

Until Batman appeared and started defusing the bomb she thought she had already died and was having a very weird afterlife.

“He’s not a freak.”

“Oh… he’s with you!”

Maybe she was having a very weird afterlife. But why the hell her afterlife included the fucking Batman?

“He’s my… hmm… son.”

Wait, that was too weird for an afterlife.

“Your son? And his mother is okay with that? Jesus, isn’t he afraid of falling down?”

The boy had limbed a rope hanging from the roof and was hanging upside down by his pixie booted feet.

“He doesn’t have a mother,” Batman muttered as he still worked on her bomb, well, not hers. She owned no bombs, your honour. He was awfully talkative that night, that Batman. “Robin, behave!”

Oh my god, he was the leprechaun’s father! The information was just too good and at the same time she had no idea of what to do with it. It was the kind of prize she’d keep for herself.

“I’m behaving!” the high pitched boyish voice shouted back, but he did a flip and landed on the floor. She could say she was impressed. How old was that kid? Less than ten, she’d bet.

“Poor kitten, is she…”

“She died” he said so devoid of feeling that she raised an eyebrow. Of course Batman tended to be stoic, but, that was cold even for him.

“I’m sorry for your lost” she tried lamely.

He sighed. Batman actually sighed. What the hell was happening?

“I didn’t know her. He’s adopted.”

That night was one shocking revelation after another, wasn’t it?

“So… There isn’t a Mrs. Batman, then?”

What kind of lame line was that? Urgh. But was he… Nah. She was imagining it. He had not, in fact, sniffed her neck.

Of course, she couldn’t see, he was behind her, and although she could see Robin at the entrance very well because the light coming from outside reflected his little yellow cape as he amused himself by doing what looked like very dangerous acrobatics, where she was sitting, tied to a chair that was chained to a bomb, was completely dark. She could only hope he was really some sort of vampiric meta that could see in the dark otherwise letting him disarm the bomb was not the best of her decisions.

“It’s done.”

He released her. Selina rotated her wrists and stood up, relieved.

“Robin, let’s go!”

She watched as the boy let out a happy yelp and ran ahead, they could use that one as a limitless energy source and end climate change.

“Wait” she said walking around the chair to meet him in the dark “let me say thank you first, you just saved my life.”

“There’s no n-“

He couldn’t end the sentence when Selina blindly pressed her lips against his.

She meant to be a small playful peck, but Batman’s gloved hand slid to the small of her back, pulling her close and before she could think clearly about what she was doing, her arms were around his neck, hoisting her body up to fix their huge height difference issue. He parted her lips and slid his hot tongue against the roof of her mouth, the hard pointy part of his mask that protected his nose biting into her cheek.

“Ewww,” they broke the kiss to look at Robin’s small face wrinkled with disgust, but still remained in each other’s arms for a moment. And then, slowly, they turned their faces back forward.

Selina swallowed down, she still could taste him. And he was not letting her go, she had to be the one to pull her arms back, her hells touching the floor again.

She never thought she’d ever see Batman acting awkward but there was no other word to describe the way he grunted and stepped back before nodding to her and left, taking his little killjoy with him.

She stood there for a while.

She almost died.

She kissed the Batman.

Was cockblocked by Batman’s son.

Batman’s son??

What the fuck!

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The rain made the power go out and I was looking through my WIPs. I really don’t remember writing this story lmao. But now It is finished and you can read it!

Please tell me what you think of it.

Kisses, see ya.

#batcat #brulina #baby batcat #gotham #selina kyle #bruce wayne #catwoman #batman #my fic #dick grayson #robin

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longitudinalwaveme · 3 years ago

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Longitudinalwaveme Reviews Some More Old Comics (and One New One), Part 2

Batman #321, “Dreadful Birthday, Dear Joker...!”

The story opens with Commissioner Gordon receiving an invitation to the Joker’s birthday party. “Black tie optional, funny hats mandatory”. A few seconds later, everyone in police headquarters doubles over laughing, the victims of Joker’s, well, Joker gas.

Batman is on the scene only a few seconds later, and starts punching out Joker’s goons. Unfortunately, by the time he’s finished doing this, both Joker and Commissioner Gordon have disappeared.

Eminently Quotable Joker: “Ah---the Batman! What an expected surprise! And what a waste of a perfectly good window! Couldn’t you have used the door?”

As Joker leaves in his Jokermobile, the police officers tell Batman that the Joker also captured Robin earlier that day (by pretending to be a woman with car problems!)

Meanwhile, Selina Kyle, Lucius Fox, and Alfred are talking when the Joker bursts in and kidnaps them as well. Notably, Selina mentions that she’s been having terrible headaches.

Selina Kyle wakes up in a room with Batman; the other kidnapees wake up in the Joker’s “Ha-Hacienda” on his “victim-go-round”.

Eminently Quotable Joker: “Tomorrow is my birthday, and by way of celebration, I intend to eliminate all you who’ve crossed me, while all of Gotham watches! It’s not exactly the catcher’s mitt I really wanted...but it’s a pretty fair second place! HAHAHAHAHAHA!”

Hawkman stars in a Hostess cupcake ad!

The Joker murders one of his own henchman with his “BANG!” flag gun for not laughing at his joke.

Eminently Quotable Joker (in response to Robin saying “You’re out of your mind!”): “Gloriously so! Isn’t it wonderful?”

In order to get his audience, the Joker put an ad in the newspaper that states that the “Harlequin Baking Company” will be inviting all of Gotham to sample its wares at the Seaside Coliseum. AND IT WORKS, because everyone in Gotham has the IQ of turnips. A bazillion people come to the Coliseum to get free food.

Joker dramatically reveals himself to everyone and explains that he’s going to blow up all the people he hates with a giant cake bomb. Then Batman arrives and offers himself in exchange for the other hostages. This goes exactly how you’d expect it to go, but Batman manages Batman his way out of the trap, saving both himself and all of his friends.

Joker runs away and jumps into a boat. Batman follows him, they fight for a bit, and then the Joker apparently blows himself up. But he’s not dead, because nothing can kill the Joker. Batman even says so.

This would’ve made a great episode of B:TAS.

Batman #322, “Chaos--Coming and Going!”

And now for something completely different!

Catwoman looks at a bunch of old newspaper clippings of herself, as the comic hints fairly subtly that she might be unwell (just as her headaches last issue did).

Meanwhile, a van is delivering issues of the tabloid The Gotham Guardian...when a thrown bundle of newspapers is intercepted by a boomerang! Captain Boomerang is in Gotham City!

The two men in the van react by promptly trying to run Digger over....only for him to slice their van in half with a boomerang!

Digger yells at them to tell their boss that this was only a warning: the mysterious boss owes him a million dollars, and he wants it in 24 hours or else.

Then Batman shows up out of nowhere and he and Boomerang get into a fight. Digger distracts Batman by using his exploding boomerang to damage a nearby building. This causes some rubble to fall on one of the drivers. Batman goes to rescue him, and Digger vanishes.

Green Arrow stars in a Hostess fruit pie ad!

Batman talks to Alfred about Captain Boomerang, telling him to ask Lucius Fox to find out who owns the Guardian, since he’s probably Boomerang’s next target. He also refuses to call the Flash in for help. “The night I can’t handle a punk like Boomerang is the night I hang up my cowl!”

Catwoman goes to a doctor and it’s confirmed that she is, in fact, dying. She has less than a month to live and the only cure is some Egyptian herbs that have been lost to time.

Meanwhile, Captain Boomerang lets us know that he hates Gotham. “Lor’, but I hate this cronky town! I never would’ve come her from Central City if it wasn’t for my million quid!”

Apparently, Captain Boomerang set up a retirment fund for himself and is ticked off that has money was subsequently stolen.

“It’s really rum--downright ironic! The one time I play the game by their rules--and it’s me who gets taken for a sucker! Well, nobody crosses “Digger” Harkness--and gets away with it intact!” That’s our Digger!

Also, he has a giant boomerang hidden under a tarp.

Catwoman goes to the museum to see a display about cats...and conveniently, some ancient Egyptian medicinal herbs are there. Catwoman determines to take them so she can save herself.

Batman asks the most Irish Irishman to ever walk the pages of the comic book about where he might be able to find Captain Boomerang, but he hasn’t heard anything. Then Alfred calls Batman and tells him that Lucius has discovered that the Gotham Guardian is owned by a corporation which serves as a front for a guy named Gregorian Falstaff.

The man in question is eating dinner at a hotel when he is rudely interrupted by Captain Boomerang, who knocks out Falstaff’s bodyguard and demands his money. Falstaff plays dumb, claiming that the whole thing was an unfortunate accident and offering to write him a check. Boomerang insists that it’s cash or nothing (since he doesn’t trust Falstaff). Then Batman shows up, and Digger throws a smoke bomb boomerang that distracts Batman long enough for him to knock him out with another boomerang.

“You gave it a fair dinkum try, cobber-but fair ain’t enough when you’re dealin’ with the likes of me!’” Didgeridoo! Crikey! Steve Irwin! Can you tell I’m Australian yet?

Selina Kyle tries to call Bruce but can’t get ahold of him, so she decides to take matters into her own hands and pulls out her Catwoman costume.

When Batman comes to, he’s been tied to the giant boomerang.

“Nothin’ permanent, mate--you’re simply tied to my giant rocket-powered boomerang! Only Flash’s super-speed saved him from the original--and without super-powers you’ll never escape this improved version!” So...which one of the giant boomerangs you used to launch the Flash into space are we talking about here, Digger? Because there’ve been at least four at this point.

Boomerang launches the boomerang into the air and it explodes. Digger is naturally convinced that he’s killed Batman, only for Batman to promptly prove him wrong by showing up alive and well. “Nobody could possibly survive a flight on my Doomerang!” Oh, Digger...

Batman explains that he survived by “maneuvering my bonds toward the Doomerang’s rocket-jets--and the ignition-flames freed me! Then I simply slipped away under the cover of all that smoke before the Doomerang took off!” I love that Batman also calls the thing a Doomerang (with a totally straight face, mind you.)

Then Digger throws a boomerang at Batman at the same time Batman throws a Batarang at him. But because Batman is Batman, he wins the boomerang duel and knocks Digger out. Way to take away Digger’s only accomplishment there, Batman. It’s like if Superman won any of his races against the Flash.

Batman decides to investigate Falstaff.

Meanwhile, at the museum, someone who looks like Catwoman is stealing one of the exhibits....

Flash #286, “The Color Schemes of the Rainbow Raider”

This issue introduces the greatest villain of all time...the dreaded Rainbow Raider!

After a long day at work, Barry Allen is heading home...only for an alarm to go off at the Centrex Art Museum! Barry has to promptly go into action as the Flash as Barry thinks about how tired he is. Apparently, his new police chief, Darryl Frye, has made him work overtime three times in one week alone.

Suddenly, a rainbow appears, bewildering Barry, as it hasn’t rained for the past week. Barry runs inside the museum to find the guards crying inexplicably. Barry deduces that the thief has been altering their emotions and realizes that this is probably not one of his established Rogues.

Sure enough, he soon comes face-to-face with the Rainbow Raider!

“Welcome, Flash! I didn’t think you and I would be meeting so soon...but sooner or later we were bound to clash! Allow me to introduce myself! I am the Rainbow Raider---the most colorful criminal this city’s ever seen!” Oh, Roy. You’re so amazingly silly, and we wouldn’t have it any other way.

Roy shoots a beam of blue light at Barry, who somehow deduces that this was what enabled him to mess with the emotions of the guards. Barry dodges the blast of blue light, but it hit and knocked out by a blast of black light.

The police are suitably baffled by the Rainbow Raider, who, incidentally, signed his crime scene with “The Rainbow Raider was here!” That’s amazing.

Meanwhile, the Flash runs home, for the Rainbow Raider has...uh....sucked all of the color out of his body! Somehow! Wha?

Meanwhile, in a mobile trailer, Roy is gloating to himself. “Now I know I’m ready for the big leagues--on a par with seasoned criminals like Captain Cold and Mirror Master!” Uh...sure, Roy.

Batman and Catman star in a Hostess cupcake ad!

“Roy G. Bivolo is compelled by higher motivations--like art appreciation!”

Roy reveals that he suffers from achromotopsia, a rare form of colorblindness that means he sees the world entirely in greyscale. This fact apparently scuppered his burgeoning artistic career, because the art critics of Central City have never heard of black-and-white artwork even though it totally exists.

Also, Roy’s dad was apparently a, quote, “leading world-renowned optometrist”, and he tried to create goggles that would allow Roy to see color. He passed away shortly after Roy turned 21; having finished the googles just days before.

When Roy tested them a few weeks later, he found that they hadn’t cured his colorblindness...but that they could shoot out “bands of multi-colored solid light particles that I could literally “ride” through the sky”. Roy then uses his father’s notes to unlock even more abilities with his goggles. Eventually, his mother also passed away, and Roy decided to turn to crime.

“Since I was robbed of a brilliant art career as a painter--I think it’s only fitting that I rob others....rob them of the pleasure they’ve derived all these years from priceless works of art I myself have never been able to enjoy! If I can’t see them in all their glory---then neither will anyone else!” Roy...that’s insane.

Barry Allen fails in his attempt to flirt with Fiona Webb, then exposits about pseudoscience. “The color black appears black because it absorbs the light waves of all other colors...without reflecting them! Those black beams the Rainbow Raider enveloped me with must’ve had a similar effect--saturating my body with radiation that prevents me from reflecting any and all light-waves...leaving me totally colorless!” SCIENCE!

Barry uses makeup and hair day to make himself look normal. As a result, he’s 20 minutes late to work and gets chewed out by his boss.

Also: “The unnatural inner-vibrations from this color drain are steadily sapping more and more energy from my molecules by the minute!” More SCIENCE!

Barry is about to get to work when he hears about the opening of the Skytop Art Gallery. Assuming that this would be an ideal target for the Rainbow Raider, he goes into action as the Flash.

Roy has created a distraction by using his emotional manipulation powers to get all of the art patrons to fight each other while he escapes. Barry runs up a building and onto Rainbow Raider’s rainbow...whereupon Raider shoots a blinding light at him, causin him to slip off the rainbow and almost fall to his doom. Luckily, his ability to vibrate through anything saves his life, as he manages to vibrate through a green car he was about to land on.

Barry then finds that he’s turned totally green. ‘I must’ve been vibrating on the precise wavelength of the color green when I passed through this heap--somehow allowing me to regain my capacity to absorb green light-waves!” SCIENCE! He then starts running through vehicles of other colors to regain his capacity to absorb those light-waves, too. Since Raider is colorblind, he can’t figure out what the Flash is up to.

When Raider takes one last blast at the Flash, the effects restore him to normal, and Flash is able to make quick work of the Rainbow Raider.

I love the Rainbow Raider so much.

#flash comics #batman comics #dc comics

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thr-333 · 4 years ago

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Mismatch- Part 16

Bio Dad Bruce Wayne Month 2020

When everyones dates go very well

First< Previous > Next

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“Thanks for dropping us off,” Marion slides out Selina's car, Kagami and Chloe following, “We couldn’t take the same route as them,”

“I’d be disappointed if you did,” Selina teases, with an edge of seriousness.

“Thank you,” Kagami chimes in, getting waved off by Selina as she and Chloe leave to hunt down the targets.

“So you’re going to tell him?” Marion whispers through the open window.

“Yep,” She sighs, tightening grip on the steering wheel, “We’re going to go on a date of out own, completely romantic, then ruin the evening,”

“You really think he’s going to be mad?” Marion cringes, getting a reassuring smile.

“At me,” She clarifies, “Don’t you worry he’ll be thrilled to have more kids,”

Marion holds back a laugh at her exasperated tone, “Have fun,”

“I won’t,” Selina assures, throwing back a, “Have fun,”

“I will,” Marion grins, spying on the totally-not-a-date between two disasters will be nothing but entertaining.

Marion waves at the leaving car before jogging to catch up with the girls. Staying slightly behind to watch them try and talk about plants. Chloe trying to sound more intelligent than ‘look at the pretty flower’, not that Kagami would mind. He resists the urge to drags his fingers through the leaves of ferns and vines as they walk down the winding paths of the botanical garden. Too many times has he touched plant life only for it to wither and die later, a side effect of holding his miraculous too long. So he always made sure Marinette is around to counteract the bad luck.

The urge gets easier to resist as they enter a more open garden area, filled with flower patches and green grass. Probably the cleanest place in Gotham likely thanks to a certain rouge that would hunt you down for littering here. He spots the two lovebirds and directs the girls to a nearby tree well suited for hiding behind as they spy on the little picnic Adrien has set up, in a grassy patch surrounded by flowers.

“Oh my god,” Chloe groans, “How can they be such idiots?”

“Can we just tell them?” Kagami asks irritably, not for the first time.

“No, let their relationship take its natural course,” Marion scolds, not for the first time.

“Do you think they’re going to be just as slow when they’re together?” Chloe complains more than asks, “Will they ever get married?”

“Are you kidding?” Marion scoffs, “The day after they get together someones going to propose,”

“Probably both,” Kagami predicts, watching as they both fumble over something.

“Probably,” Marion and Chloe both agree, as the fumbled object gets dropped.

“Well, hey there!” a high pitch voice shouts through their whispering, “Who’re we spying on?”

Marion whips around coming nose to nose with Harley Quinn herself. He takes a step back to see Poison Ivy standing just behind.

“Um…” Marion debates going for his baton, they didn’t seem hostile but they don’t need to be to cause damage, “Our friends date?”

“Ohhh!” Harley stands on her tiptoes to look over their heads, “Aren't they just precious?!”

“Yes,” Ivy agrees to Harley’s goo-goo eyes despite not having looked over once.

“Let's go say hi,” Harley links her arms with Marion and Chloe’s dragging them over to the picnic.

“What are you doing here!” Marinette shouts as soon as they approach, seemingly more surprised at them than the two rogues.

“I caugh’em spyin on ya and decided to drop in,” Harley releases them and sits down, “This looks delicious!”

Harley takes a cookie from a plate, eyes lighting up when she takes a bite. Marion locks eyes with Marinette as confused as him. It only gets worse when Ivy sits down as well, on the grass not the blanket. Well it’s not like he can just leave. Marion shrugs and sits down, immediately reaching over to steal from Marinette's plate, ignoring the plates around him.

“Sooo,” Harley hums partly around a mouthful of cake, rocking back with legs crossed, “What’s ya names,”

“Marinette, that's Marion,” Marinette hisses his name, as she tries to snatch back half a sandwich.

“Oh! Brucie’s kids!” Harley claps her hands together, “You’re the Wayne twins!”

“Uhhh…” Yes? No? Kinda? Soon? It’s up to him?

“No they're not,” Kagami takes a seat following Chloe, “It’s just a baseless rumour,”

“Yep!” Marion agrees way to loudly, “A completely baseless rumours, no fact here, nope,”

The look he gets from Marinette is expected, but it’s Chloe’s lingering gaze that really gets to him.

“I like what you’ve done with the flowers,” Marinette covers for him, alerting him that Poison Ivy had made many more bloom.

“I didn’t do much,” Ivy says, even as the grass around her is a couple inches taller than it used to be, “They already wanted to bloom so bright at seeing you,”

“Really?” Marinette sweat drops, reaching for her bag, “I do have a bit of a green thumb, I take care of a garden back home,”

“What wonderful things do you grow?” Ivy asks with keen interest, Adrien off to the side looking awestruck at Marinette’s composure.

“She’ll be takin all day now,” Harley spins towards the three other date crashers, “I didn’t hear your names!”

Chloe and Kagami startle as she leans further into their personal space.

“Surely if you’ve heard of the twins you’ve heard of me,” Chloe flips her hair, only getting a blank face from Harley, huffing, “Chloe Bourgeois,”

“Kagami,” She replies curtly, “Marion doesn't appreciate date crashing,”

“It’s alright Kags,” Marion assures, he more had a problem with having to hold her back from yelling at them both when they didn't kiss after fireworks.

“Ohhhh, are you two dating,” Harley stage whispers, making Chloe choke on her drink.

“No not at all,”

“Just friends,”

And not friends in the Adrien Agreste way.

“Ew gross you two dating?” Chloe cringes, “Ridiculous, utterly ridiculous!”

“Oh! Then you two!” Harley exclaims, addressing the girls.

“Umm…”

“Well I….”

“Yes,”

“Rion!” Chloe yells, blushing furiously at his shit eating grin.

“Well let me give you some advice,” Harley sing songs, a not so subtle glance back at Ivy.

“I don’t think that's necessary-”

“Hush now,” She shushes Kagami, “So when you're on a date and some bozo tries interrupting, there's this nifty thing you can do with certain nerves-Or! If you have the tools, a good whack upside the head-Or! My favourite! You get your gun and…”

Marion shifts away, still keeping Chloe and Kagami in his sights, both completely red.

“-And I planted this one three years ago,” Marinette explains, letting Ivy hold her phone, eyes glued to whatever picture was on it, “I know they tend to like partial shade but I found this one prefers to be more in the sun, so I just move it on especially sunny days,”

“Your garden is brilliant they all look so-” Her gaze snaps up to Marion, making him freeze in place, “They do not like you,”

“Um,” It takes a second to realise she was talking about the plants, “I guess not, the plants at home like me,”

“Do they?” Ivy frowns, and Marion desperately hopes she likes Marinette enough to not attack him.

“Well, we have a catnip plant that does,” Or at least Plagg likes it enough to do his best not to let anything, even himself, destroy it.

“You do?” Ivy turns to Marinette, who starts talking about the plant.

Marion takes this opportunity to escape back into the conversation they were having with Harley-

“And if you really want to have fun in bed you can-” Nope never mind.

Marion stands, considers bringing Adrien along to find some more snacks for their bigger group. But he seemed just as enthralled with Marinette as Ivy is with plants. He walks off waving to Marinette as she looks over to check on him. He smiles at the silent desperate pleads for help Chloe and Kagami give him. With a bounce in his step Marion walks off.

He didn’t even realise he had left them alone with two rouges until he was halfway through the gardens. Whatever. Marinette could handle them and they both seemed friendly enough, if not very polite. If they wanted to crash a date he can think of another person that would rather it happen to them.

“So the twins got out of hospital yesterday,” yes because that's a good way to bring up the topic of your illegitimate children to their out of the loop father.

“That’s fast,” Translated means; I’m suspicious.

“Did you look into those Paris heroes?” No she isn’t stalling not at all, this is important.

“I did, they’ve been working mostly alone for years,” Bruce scowls, picking at his food “I don’t know how the league hasn’t heard about this,”

“Didn’t Marion say this Ladybug person fixes everything?” Selina hums, she had been to Paris and never saw anything, they couldn't be that good could they?

"Is that what he meant?" Bruce looks up at her genuinely puzzled.

Selina hides her smirk behind her wine, which she desperately needed for this conversation. She had forgotten not everyone could understand their babbling. Not even Bruce, yet. She merely hums in response, before taking a gulp of wine.

“I plan on contacting her,” Bruce admits out loud, their secluded rooftop table ensuring privacy, “Did they say anything more to you?”

“They’ve had some other things on their mind lately,” She doesn't meet his eye, so they were back to this topic, great.

“Post traumatic stress?” Bruce guesses, she wished- wait no- that's not good.

Selina would rather do this a hundred times over than have her kids suffer like that. Fortunately they didn't seem to be. Which could be concerning in its own right.

“No, actually, they seem completely unaffected by a near death experience,” Selina sighs, they should be right? Thats normal for regular people right? Well they weren't normal, mainly because of the man sitting across from her, who needed to know that, “Just like their father,”

“Tom?” of-fucken-course he had to make this harder, no she will not admit she was purposefully vague.

“No,” Selina feels the anxiety in her chest choke her, “You,”

And nope that last word only made it worse.

“... What?” Bruce pauses, fork still in mid air.

“You,” She places her empty glass down, the clink hitting the table deafening.

“... Selina, what are you saying,” Bruce lowers the fork, halfway between a scowl and suspicion.

“I mean we’ve been at it for years is it really that surprising?” Selina tries to play off, joking tone not overshadowing her panic.

“Selina,” Theres that stern tone, paired with the signature Bat glare.

“... They’re your kids, our kids,” Selina corrects, making sure to meet his eye. No tricks this time.

She lets the silence hang, studying Bruce's face. At first you can clearly tell he's trying to keep a mask on, but it cracks bit by bit. She sees confusion, realisation, panic, anger, disappointment all over lapping. Swirling together repeating over and over again until settling on anger.

“Why didn’t you tell me!” He explodes, pushing her off the ledge she had been on all day, or the last couple days, or hell for eighteen goddamn years.

“Because you-you’re-” She fumbles, so many reasons, mainly relating to Bats in some way, but that wasn't the main reason, “You said you didn’t want kids!”

“You never told me I already had kids!" The realisation hits Selina that he remembers.

If it was just now, or he had for years. He remembered the night she had asked if he wanted a family. He had said no. That he couldn't. That he had a responsibility to the city. So she had left. Not daring to see him when she was pregnant and not wanting to see him afterwards. The next time she saw Bruce he had just adopted a child.

“What would you have done! Huh?!” A child who a year later was chasing criminals around Gotham, “Would you quit? Would you dress them up too and make them fight crime!? I sent them to Paris to avoid that!”

“You know full well I never made them do anything!” Maybe not on purpose, but they do a whole lot for his approval.

“Their kids Bruce! You should have never let them join you out there!” She rants, pacing away from the table.

She gave them up so they would never join her either. Although with how much Marion likes cats he would surely love his own cat suit.

“How would you know what would happen?” Bruce demands, keeping pace with her, dragging his hands through his hair, “I-god- I hadn't even adopted Dick yet and you wrote me off!”

“ Exactly , do you really think you could have raised them!” Dick's his argument for good parenting? Better than Jason.

“Maybe I wanted to!” Bruce yells, anger crumbling, he collapses onto a love seat looking over the city, “Maybe I wanted to raise at least one of my children,”

“I know,” Selina tentatively sits on the chairs arm, reaching over to him, “But they deserved a chance to live without all this ,"

She vaguely gestures to the city and partly to Bruce. Who looks offended at his inclusion.

"They’ve been in Gotham a week Bruce," She slides into the seat, arguing her point before he has the chance, "And they have the press after them, villains attacking, they just got out the hospital ,”

“Hm,” Bruce looks out at the city, not really seeing any of it. “They really are like me huh,”

“Without a doubt,” She gets a slight tug at the lips from Bruce, completely humourless.

They fall silent Bruce looking out at the city. She studies his expression, less of a world wind of emotion now but certainly still in turmoil. He starts to fix his mask back in place, she looks away so he doesn't have to. Looking out at the view they were meant to be enjoying on their date. One that she had planned. Bruce was never going to trust her to plan one again. Or at least he will always be expecting her to spring shocking news on him.

“What do you want to do now?” She asks the question she has wondered for years.

Whenever they were alone and things were calm, unnervingly calm for Gotham. She had thought of telling him. Partly because the calm alarms her, in a life of chaos she felt out of place in it. It would be the perfect way to bring the storm. While cats tended to hate water she has been an alley cat all her life, the calm was meant for house cats. However, thats what the other part of her wanted. For that calm to stay, but to include their kids. Who always sat at the edge of that calm, threatening to ruin it never letting her settle into it. Maybe that was why she could never enjoy it. Maybe now that they were in the storm, the next calm would be with the two of them.

“... I don’t know,” a rarity for the Batman, more common for the man underneath.

----------------

Taglist:

@technicallyburninggarden @fusser90 @misslenamooney @superbwhispersconnoisseur @biodad-bruce-month

#miraculous #miraculous ladybug #miraculous ladybug fic #bio dad bruce wayne #Bio Dad Bruce Wayne Month 2020 #Mismatch #Marinette #marinette is mdc #twins au #vigilante au #pop star au #bio dad au #bio! dadbrucewaynemonth2020 #b!dbwm2020 #Maribat #mlb

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nygmobblepot-trash · 4 years ago

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S1 of gotham.

Jesus Ed is creepy as hell. Did I just gloss over that before? Like I remember honestly being mad that Kristen didn't go for Ed earlier and treated him "badly". She tried so hard to be nice while he never left her alone. Ed i understand you struggle with people skills, but you seriously need to chill. It's one thing to be made fun of because you have to spout riddles every second, but it's another to bother your coworker after she has told you countless times she is uncomfortable.

Also speaking of Ed why didn't they just give Ed the position of medical examiner or hell make him a detective. Clearly education doesn't matter because he gets the job of ME later. He's clearly very smart and solves most of the cases for Harvey and Gordon.

I also forgot how cunning Oswald is and how hard he plays everyone is Gotham. Which of course makes his decisions in s3 that more stupid but we'll get there... heavily intoxicated though.

Honestly love the dynamic of Jim and Harvey. Someone beaten and tired from the system vs someone who can think they can make a difference and save everyone.

Fish and Butch are great too. Liza didn't deserve what happened to her.

Alfred is a huge catalyst for Bruce. He's so chaotic and I love it. You want to investigate yourself? Cool. Fuck the police. Oh and if you find the dude I'll kill him for you. Also I might as well teach you how the beat the living shit out of everyone. No pussies in this house.

Also why is Selina so god damn angry all the time. Yeah I get that Bruce has no clue about the real world but he tries. He proves himself by living on the streets with her. He also doesn't get mad when she steals his shit. He actually cares for her and has never done anything to actually hurt her. He risked himself to save her countless times. Yeah he wants to know who killed his parents but he also cares about her. He proves he isn't manipulating her. Someone please help the small child.

Honestly wtf is up with babs? Like they gave her nothing to do except be rich and want to know what Jim does at work. They only gave her a personality after they made her crazy. Well not really but thats for s2.

Lee has more of a personality but falls for Jim in like .2 seconds. Which I guess happens the real world but whatever. She of course doesn't like how Jimmy walks the line. But it's gotham and you can't get shit done without being morally gray from time to time. Actually sorry I'm going back. Can anyone name one thing Lee likes? Any hobbies she has? Harvey like to drink. Gordon is always in work mode. Ed nurses stray birds back to health. Oswald takes care of his mother. Babs goes to parties alone and worries about Jim all day. Bruce does a lot of different things. What about Lee? Fuck maybe Lee was a step back. Bab just got less screen time.

Speaking of nursing birds back to life, let's talk about the totally straight friendship of ed and Oswald. Now this is me sort of jumping ahead... if the writers didn't want the relationship why did they write them like this? Honest to whatever God you pick, what the actual fuck were they thinking? Ed literally had to pick up Oswald and take him back to his place. Sow up any wounds. Probably wash him too. AND find him clothes. Look Oswald wouldn't fit into Ed's clothes. No way. Ed is a tall boy. Thus the conclusion is he had to figure out the bird's size and buy him clothes. Then this boy goes above and beyond to not only heal this angry man's body but his heart too. Why go through all that trouble? Hell he even told Oswald about the very bad thing he did.

FUCK side tangent. Kristen did not deserve what happened to her. They were so cute together too. I do honestly wish she wouldn't have reacted that way to hearing what happened to her ex. Ed was honestly just trying to help her. I'm not saying that she would have every right to get the fuck out of there or question if that was Ed's real motive. It's ironic though. Ed killed a man because he feared he would continue to hurt her or kill her. He ended up killing her on purpose to save himself. I do wonder if he allowed Kristen to leave if she would rethink he stance and either go back to him or just not report it and stay away from Ed. It would also be interesting to see how Gordon and Harvey would react. Killing Offer dorty (idc how to spell it) could be morally gray. Anyways Ed's a jackass.

Where were we? Oh yeah. So does Ed have multiple beds? Like we know he doesn't have friends so why would he pay for a two bedroom apartment? So I have to know did Oswald force him to sleep on the floor? Remember guys they're not gay for each other or anything. They just bonded and worked though some shit together and sang a song together. Sure if it was Gordon and any chick they would've fucked immediately but thats not the point. They're friends. You know how Harvey nursed Jim back to health and helped Jim continue being a detective? Also during that period they'd gaze into each other's eyes for a painful amount of time. Not to mention the part where Harvey bathed and gave Jim new clothes. Exactly like that. What that never happened? Why, because it may imply they aren't just good buddies?

Also why wasn't Ed involved in the final fight? I'd be funny if he was back up and showed up and saved them. Or was he there in the back taking notes minding his own business?

#gotham

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astranne · 4 years ago

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A new Batmom, bc Batfam deserves this

So... while I wrote another idea of mine down, this one just hit me like a fucking truck. Ugh, I have so many ideas but not the time to write it down. Fuck my life.

Anyway.

We have one random amazon and one Slade Wilson aka Deathstroke. The two of them have an affair or something like that and the amazon becomes pregnant. Slade doesn’t really loves her, just cares dearly for her, because why not. Naturally Ra’s finds out and kills the amazon, to piss Slade of. Slade still thinks she died of child birth. So, he isn’t really the best father and he has still a job. He takes his child, who is a daughter, named her Artemis and went to the league of assassins. There she grows up and becomes something like Ra’s right hand. Slade doesn’t really care, what she does, he just wants her safe. And she’s half amazon and has a meta as father, so she should be pretty safe. Anyway. Ra’s trains her personally, he wants her to make the next Lady Shiva. But the problem, the real Lady Shiva doesn’t take that well. She thinks, that Artemis is just a mindless puppy of Ra’s and kills her. Ra’s brings her back, many hate him for that because nobody really likes Artemis. She follows the orders of Ra’s and does anything for him, or so everybody tough.

Anyway. Artemis has been killed many times, by metas, assassins or magicians or even aliens. But Ra’s always brought her back. So many times, that half of her hair became white. And then she met Bruce, who begins to train in the League. She is one of his trainers and sees great potential in him. So he becomes her ‘project’, Ra’s sees that but doesn’t say anything. When this man is worthy of Artemis time, he must be good.

And then Bruce becomes Batman, Dick his first Robin and all the shit. Artemis is still the right hand of Ra’s but then Damian is born. For the first time she speaks against the Al Ghul family and she says, that this child is either their greatest triumph or their downfall. Talia accuses her of being jealous and Artemis snaps. Also for the first time. Ra’s sees, that Talia made a mistake, so he takes Damian from his daughter and gives him to Artemis. He tells her to train him like an assassin, but better. Artemis understands, he wants that Damian one day can take over the league, since Talia is not really suitable for this position.

Damian still grows up as an assassin, but doesn’t cares for his mother, since she ‘raped’ his father and went against his grandfathers orders. Artemis becomes his mother figure. She realizes, that this is not really a life for him, he’s a son of a great hero, he’s more than just a puppet. Just like her. She talks with her father and Slade just grins. He’s so going to destroy Ra’s. So, over the years he gathers followers and when Damian became ten, he attacked Ra’s. Artemis told Damian to find his father and saved Talias life, but dies. Talia sees now, that Artemis is absolutly loyal to the family Al Ghul and uses the pit for the last time. She brings Damian to Bruce, who is still shocked, that he has a son. Artemis becomes the right hand of Talia, but her father rescues her and tells Talia to fuck of. Omg, this scene would be so gold. The two fighting over Artemis, who is just standing there, watching the whole scene and doesn’t seem to care.

Anyway.

Slade takes his daughter back and Artemis works with him. She meets the Batfam, Damian as Robin, who recognizes her. She was fighting against Wonder Woman, when he called her ‘mother’. Almost cries. Everyone is confused. Artemis is a proud mom, tells him that. And then Bruce also recognizes her, just like everyone of the Batfam who met the league.

“But the last time I saw you, you killed for Ra’s.”

“That’s what everyone tought. I worked together with Deathstroke to start a rebellion, this would bring enough chaos to sneak Damian away.”

And so Artemis became part of the Batfam, is also the mom of the family. She’s sometimes Batwoman, when Kate is out of town.

Anyway.

Bruce and her totally are something, but the two of them are not really good with feelings so they are together? But not official and yeah. The press/world thinks, she was the one who raised Damian, when his mother couldn’t look after him. But some of Bruce’s former lovers are jealous, like Selina Kyle. Selina tries to fight her, the video about Catwoman and Batwoman fighting goes viral. Because Catwoman yells something about stealing her man and Batwoman just stares at her and fights back, isn’t even really trying. Knocks her out and drags her to the police station. And then Robin comes, calls her mother and everyone looses their shit. They know, there are two Batwomans, the first one is surley the sister of Batman, but this one must be his lover, when Robin calls her mother. And everybody knows, that Robin is Batmans son. Honestly, how people don’t figure out their identities...

Anyway. Everybody knows, not to piss of the second Batwoman. She barley talks, fights better then Batman and is just scary. The dynamic duo, Batman and Robin, becomes the terrific trio. The three don’t need to talk, are ‘ruthless’ and now the most scary ones of the batfam.

So. And then Bruce vanishes. Artemis adopts Damian and takes care of the family. Dick becomes Batman, fakes the death of Nightwing but is really stressed. A half year later there is a huge breakout from Arkham and the whole Batfam starts to fight, the whole world sees this, but doesn’t really understand. They fight over being Batman? Everyona watches, how they begin to vote, until Robin speaks up.

“Tt. You are all not worthy of fathers legacy. I am the son of Batman, so I should wear his mask.” Another discussion breaks out, but Robin speaks again.

“But we all are trained to be worthy of the legacy of Batman. Some are fitted more than others. I think mother should be the next Batman. She trained him, she was the first of us, she was the beginning.” The Batfam just looks at each other.

“All in favor?”, asks Red Robin.

And this is how Artemis became Batman. The Justice League didn’t take it well, but she told them she isn’t so forgiving and patient like Bruce. If they don’t stop the drama, Batman won’t be a part of the Justice League anymore. And that would be a huge hit.

Now Batman is even feared more, because this Batman wields many weapons and is one of the best fighters the villians ever saw. Deathstroke slips that she’s the daughter of an amazon and assassin. Now everyone loses their shit again. Because she her strenght is the one of a normal human and her refelxes are abnormal, but that could be training. James Gordon asks her, and she stares at him and sais, “My mother was an amazon, yes. But I don’t have her strength, just inherited the talent for fighting. I was raised as an assassin and I killed before, but I also trained the first Batman.”

So yeah... some time passes, until Artemis finds Bruce. He was kidnapped by some former assassins and tortured him for a long time. Everyone is glad, that Bruce is back, but what to tell the world?

So Artemis becomes once again the partner of Deathstroke, who kidnapped Bruce Wayne and tried to find out all his secrets. Batman and Robin find him then in a locked apartement, someone of the police told that the press and the whole world watches (again) how the heroes find a tied up and unconscious Bruce Wayne, nearly bleeding out.

And the problem with Batman? So, they teleport Bruce, in his old costume, in the middle of Gotham, fighting Artemis, who is dressed as the head of the league. Later Batman (Bruce) tells the press, he found out, that this assassin wanted to take over the world and he could only stop it, if he went to the future and defeated her. (I’m a fucking genius, this would do a creat comic)

Anyway.

Bruce becomes Batman again, Artemis is now finally Batwoman. And after some time, the two become officially a pair. This takes like 3 years, after their first kiss, but they’ve known each other for sooo much longer.

And Slade made a truce with Bruce, the Batfam is now under his protection.

They could totally take over the world.

Soo... feel free to use this idea for an oneshot or a story, just tag me so I can read and reblog it!

Masterlist

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spacesuitsforemergency · 4 years ago

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Some stuff about Kitty as Feline Fatale cause I love her so much rn:

- She just goes by Fatale, but like her...full name?? I suppose?? is Feline Fatale cause obviously it’s a play on femme fatale so adding the feline part adds to it

- She’s not a skilled fighter but that’s because she hardly ever needs to fight. She’s a notorious stealth expert and can get by any security just like her mother

- She is trained in combat with the whip though, that is the only weapon she’s any good at using, and she’s just as skilled as Catwoman with it. Though the first time she used it she accidentally smacked Selina in the face with it and gave her a small scar...yes she laughed. Yes she got in trouble for that

- But generally she just slinks into the shadows or jumps off buildings to escape. She likes jumping off buildings more because it’s dramatic, she basically just grabs onto something she can hide under, like a sign, until whoever she jumped from leaves

- She’s a very skilled acrobat, she’s graceful and elegant while never loosing her balance or strength. She just sucks at punching and close combat. Selina tried teaching her so many times but she just gave up. At least Kitty can dodge stuff thrown at her with talent, close enough

- THE CATCYCLE. She has a helmet with cat ears on it, it’s just a black motorcycle but her keys have a little cat keychain on it and the motorcycle itself has a single cat sticker on it, where only the driver would see it

- She pretty much only goes after gems and jewelry when she does missions for herself, cause that’s what she hoards. But she can steal anything for you, you just have to track her down to hire her

- She’s definitely no amateur, people underestimate her all the time. Plus I can totally see her and Seiji having a rivalry cause they steal from each other or go after the same items a lot

- She’s got her retractable claw gloves that she does her mom’s signature move with (the one where she uses them to cut a circle in the glass). She gets her nails done super sharp too so she’s always got the claw look going

- I also forgot about her Catnip until now, a powder her and Carrie created that makes men either pass out or do as she says, depending on which version Kitty happens to grab. It works on women but it’s stronger on men

#kitty kyle #feline fatale #she’s one of my favorite ocs and I just love her so much

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ellana-ravenwood · 6 years ago

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The first time they called you “mom” - Batmom x Batboys

I...Did not plan on writing this. But today, I wanted to reply to some asks about the Batfam (more particularly about Batmom), and um...Well I got so carried away on the very first question I tried to reply to, that I ended up writing a full fic about it and I guess I’ll answer other asks later ^^'. So anyway, here we go, the title is pretty self-explanatory, hope you’ll like it :

My masterlist blog : @ella-ravenwood-archives

__________________________________________________

Dick.

“And here we go Dickie. Now, you’re a true pirate.”

You say, as you adjust an oversized tricorn on the boy’s head. He moves a bit too quickly to peak at his look in a mirror, and the hat falls back on his forehead. And oh it’s the cutest thing you’ve ever seen, him turning back to you and trying to look at you from below it.

Once again, you place the tricorn back as best you can, smoothing the huge peacock feather planted on its side while you’re at it. You hold it in place for a few seconds to make sure it won’t fall again, trying to figure out a way to balance it on his ears, and say :

“We really need to get you a hat your size...This one is way too big, it’ll get in the way if you have to fight for the treasure !”

He looks at you with sparkling eyes...Well, with one sparkling eye. A “true pirate” obviously wears an eye-patch ! He looks at you with that one, bright blue sparkling eye, and with the deepest voice his little nine years old vocal cords can muster, he says :

“Arrrr, a simple hat won’t get in the way of me getting my treasure ! I’ll throw it at the ruffian who wants to steal my gold from me, distract them, and then I’ll...make them fall on their butt ! ”

You chuckle and shake your head, utterly charmed, once again, by this little boy. Really, how could you resist such a sweet smile ? His cuteness emphasized by the fact that he just lost a few of his front teeth.

“That’s a very nice technique little one ! Show me how you’d do it !”

He jumps a bit in the air out of excitement, and takes a few steps back from you. Harboring a fighting stance, he unsheathed the wooden rapier you made for him, and the gesture makes the hat immediately fall on his eyes again...But he takes hold of it with his hand that isn’t holding his sword, and throws it at an imaginary enemy.

He then stabs the air, yells a very piratey “Aaarrrrr” and tackle his made-up opponent fiercely. Getting back up on his feet, he takes his hat again and put it on his head and say, proudly, looking at the empty spot in front of him :

“Stay on your butt, you miscreant ! Captain Grayson wins again !”

But as he takes his victory pose, the tricorn falls on his eyes again, kinda ruining the moment. He turns to you, lifting it up and says :

“...Maybe I need a smaller one.”

You chuckle as he comes to you a bit pitifully, hat in hands. But then in a matter of seconds a smile is back on his face and he says :

“Hey, this can be yours instead ! My second in command needs a fancy pirate hat ! This would look great on you !”

He puts the hat on your head, it fits. And his sweet smile widens. He mouth the word “perfect”, as you say, a bit mischievously :

“Oh ? I’m your second in command ? You sure you wanna give me that much responsibilities ? What if I commit mutiny ?”

“Oh you would never !”

“How can you be so sure ?”

“I just know you wouldn’t !”

“But what if I want all the gold for me ?”

“Nah, you’re not like that ! You don’t care about rich people things ! I know because you say no to a lot of things Bruce wanna give ya ! Now, if you were Miss Kyle I’d be a bit worried. Because she would definitely try to steal the treasure for herself. She likes fancy things ! Nothing wrong with that of course, I like fancy things too ! But I wouldn’t make her my second in command...but you’re you, not her !”

Your smile falls from your face immediately. Ugh. This is so ridiculous. You don’t want to act like that, jealousy really doesn’t look good on you (though Bruce would argue that you look cute, when jealous).

Selina Kyle is such an extraordinary woman that you can’t help but compare yourself to her, wondering why Bruce ended up choosing you. You and him had been together for a while now, but from time to time, your insecurities would surge again. In the worst moments possible.

Like right now, as you were having fun with Dickie.

You force a smile back on your face as the boy comes to sit next to you. He looks deep in thoughts before turning back to you and saying :

“She’s pretty. Miss Kyle.”

“She is pretty.”

“You’re prettier.”

Oh. Oh that dear boy. You felt a bit silly that even an eight year old noticed you were bummed out by just him mentioning her name, and that he felt obligated to cheer you up. You ruffle his hair and say :

“You’re too sweet.”

“For real ! Only saying what I think...Plus you’re nicer.”

“Selina is very nice.”

It’s true. Selina was really nice. When she realized Bruce was totally head over heels for you, and that you were a bit insecure...She completely stepped down. And started to actually flirt with you, definitely boosting your ego (I wrote a fic about that, now I can’t link it because if I do it this won’t appear in the search since Tumblr “killed” links, but you can find on the Batmom’s master list, it’s called “Insecurities schmunsecurities”.)

She actually became a close friend of yours, over the month. She was a very supportive one at that, which made you feel even guiltier that from times to times, you found yourself jealous of her. Or afraid Bruce will realize the mistake he made and go back to her, leaving you (you will realize overtime that this will never happen, that this is a ridiculous thought, Bruce being too deep in love with you).

You hate the fact you think those things, but you can’t help it. You can’t get over all your insecurities in a matter of seconds. It’ll take years, for you to finally see things for what they are...That Selina moved on and is only friend with Bruce now. That she would never even think of trying to steal Bruce away, because that’s not who she is. That Bruce doesn’t see her as anything else but as a good friend. That he’s in love with you, and only sees you.

Yes...It’ll take time for you to get over all this confidence issues and...Dick’s voice takes you out of your thoughts :

“Oh yes yes. She’s nice. But she um...how to say ? She’s cool. And was never mean to me. But I don’t think she cared that much about me.”

“Aw sweety, I’m sure she likes you.”

“I know she does. She thinks I’m cute”

You can’t help but chuckle at the kid’s confidence. Haha, maybe you should take his example ? Dick continues :

“But she doesn’t...care. Not like you at least. She cared a lot about Bruce, but she just kinda liked me, you know ? While you...You like, took Bruce and I in the same package ? She likes me, but she had no intention to be to me what you and Bruce are. You know ?”

“What do you mean ?”

You ask, smoothing the tricorn’s feather absentmindedly. On that very moment, you didn’t quite realize what the kid was getting at...His next words make your heart race with joy :

“Like...like a mom and dad ?”

He says shyly, looking up to you before avoiding your gaze.

Silence fills the room. You want to say something, but you’re too touched and every words die in your tied throat. You’re trying very hard not to cry, in fact. But the silence stretches and Dick wiggles nervously next to you.

Finally, he talks first, and his shaky voice breaks your heart :

“Am I...am I a terrible son ?”

“What ?”

Is the only stupid thing you can say.

“My mommy and daddy died only a year ago. And I miss them so much. Every day. But it’s getting easier ? Because you and Bruce are here ? Sometimes I almost call you...Sometimes I...wanna call you and Bruce...I want to...I...”

Tears are welling up in the boy’s eyes, and you could slap yourself for still being unable to say anything. Because what he’s saying ? You’re feeling it deep inside your bones. Your heart. Your entire being.

You don’t know when it happened exactly, but you’ve been considering him your son for a while now. You know you’d do anything for him. And hearing him say that he considers you his...his...That he wants to call you...It’s too much for your heart. And you can’t say anything.

But you can do something. You reach for him, remove his eye patch to truly take a good look at him and...You bring him in your arms, holding him tight against your heart, so he can hear how happy it made you that he...that he...

Later. Later you’d tell him that you knew for sure his parents wouldn’t mind if he called you and Bruce “mom and dad”. That his parents would forever be that, his parents. And because of this, they would want for him to be happy. To move on and not get stuck (like a certain Dark Knight).

That he wasn’t a terrible son for only remembering the good times with them. That he wasn’t a terrible son if he didn’t always go see them and their graves. That he wasn’t a terrible son if he found a family again...

Later. Later you’d tell him all that.

For now, you just held him tight against your heart, hugging him with all the love you could give. And in a whisper, holding onto you for dear life, he says :

“...Mom...”

************

Jason.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaare you gonna take me home tonight? Aaaaaaaaaaaaah, down beside that red fir’light Aaaaaaaaaaaaare you gonna let it all hang out? Fat bottomed girls you make the rockin' world go 'round”

Your voice mixes with Jason’s, as you skid down the floor in Wayne manor, wearing socks (they slide really well on the wooden parquet) and pajamas.

Jason is holding an oversized bowl filled with sugary junk food. Ice cream, popcorn, candies, loads of sprinkles ! And you’re using a whipped cream canister as a mic...Those things are probably what got you both on a very big sugar high !

This morning, Jason had a mild fever. A certain Bruce kinda freaked out and allowed him to stay home instead of going to school...Which fell perfectly well with your one day off this week !

Jason got over his fever before lunch time, and was getting bored.

Enter you, with a stereo on your shoulder, blasting Queen. The boy jumped on his feet, abandoning the animated show he was watching to follow you into the kitchen, overly excited. You always came up with great and fun activities !

You guys started to mix every single dessert that were available in the Manor in a big mixing bowl, singing the lines of “Don’t stop me now, ‘Cause I’m having a gooood time, having a good tiiiime” to Alfred as he pointed out all of that wasn’t very healthy...The butler gave up quickly, seeing how Jason and you seemed to be beaming with joy.

With a fond smile on his face he left the two of you alone saying a quick “clean after yourself please”, and ignored the fact that young Master Jason was climbing on the kitchen counter and was air guitaring the solo of the song, walking in and spreading sprinkles EVERYWHERE.

And now, a few minutes later, you were dancing all around the mansion, holding your huge bowl of desserts and a whipped cream canister.

Jason was standing on the living room’s coffee table, opening his mouth as you filled it with whipped cream, while you continued to sing :

“Hey I was just a skinny lad -you point at Jason, who takes a huge spoonful of ice cream - Never knew no good from bad But I knew life before I left my nursery, huh Left alone with big fat Fanny She was such a naughty nanny Heap big woman, you made a bad boy out of me Hey hey!”

You’re aware the song is a bit inappropriate for an eight years old boy...But he doesn’t really understand the lyrics and the tune is so catchy that you couldn’t care less. Plus it’s too cute to see how he wiggles his little butt to the rhythm. That kid really knew how to dance.

You’re sliding down the corridors now. Your slippers had been discarded somewhere in the house a while ago, so you could slide properly all around the wooden and marble floors.

Jason dances happily following after you, the huge boom box on your shoulder not hindering any of your movements.

He takes a spoonful of dessert and puts it in your mouth, a wide smile spread on his face as he misses on purpose and spread ice cream all over your chin.

You laugh and stick your tongue out to him, as the song continues :

“I've been singing with my band Across the wire, across the land I seen every blue eyed floozy on the way, hey But their beauty and their style Went kind of smooth after a while Take me to them dirty ladies every time”

Yes. Lyrics definitely not appropriate. But Jason is having too much fun to realize what any of this is about. Plus he’s still such a pure and innocent little boy, you know he has no idea what most of this means.

You’re in the house’s main hall now, where the acoustic is the best, and you both sings your lungs out. You settle the boombox on the floor, and spray a large amount of whip cream in your mouth before giving some more to Jason.

Putting away dessert and canister, you take his hands and start jumping around the room. Just for the happy face the kid makes, all this is worth it.

“C'mon! Oh, won't you take me home tonight? Oh, down beside your red firelight Oh, and you give it all you got Fat bottomed girls, you make the rockin' world go 'round Fat bottomed girls, you make the rockin' world go 'round”

Jason is definitely not sick anymore, and his giggles fill the house. You chase after him all around the main hall, and when you finally catch up to him he burst into a loud laughter, drowning the rest of the song with it.

It’s contagious, as you start to crack up too, unable to stop. It’s only when the song comes to an end and the CD does too with it, the music stopping altogether, that your laughter subsides.

Jason frowns and, turning to you, exclaims :

“Again mom, please please, again !”

On the moment, neither of you even realize he just called you “mom”. It felt THAT natural. THAT normal. He had been in your life for months now, and this was just the definite next step to take.

Later on, it’ll finally hit you and you’ll give him the biggest hug of them all. And for him ? Well he always wanted a caring mother, but wasn’t gifted with one at birth...So your existence was truly salvation.

But that would come later. For now, you didn’t even notice him calling you “mom”, and he didn’t even realize he called you that, as you turned the music back on and were both dancing around the manor again, eating way too much dessert. Oh well, you’d worry about bellyaches later !

************

Cassandra

Cassandra didn’t speak. Couldn’t speak.

When she needed to communicate, she’d mainly use sign language.

She wasn’t mute. She could make sounds, use her voice.

But she...never really learned to talk. Her biological father raised her to be the ultimate weapon, and cut her out of any social contact to try to achieve this.

The only encounters with other people she had, was to fight...Which resulted in her being unable to speak.

Bruce brought her home two years ago.

And those two years were filled with a big personal journey for Cassandra.

She communicated through vague hand gestures and drawing, at first. Then eventually learned sign language. You and Bruce spend hours and hours with her and videos, teaching it to her, as she still seemed to be unable to speak. As if something stopped her from doing so...

She learned how to interact with other people, without fighting or killing.

She...She learned to know that she was worthy. That redemption was attainable. That it wasn’t her fault.

Bruce was sweet, with Cassandra. More delicate than with his sons. Maybe it was because she was a girl, maybe it was because she was more broken than any of them (at the time, Damian wasn’t in your life yet). More forgiving, too, as even after he discovered her past and the fact she started to kill when she was barely eight, he didn’t give up on her. On the contrary.

He actually settled to teach her his own values. No kill. Justice. All that. And she listened. Eagerly. Abiding by his rules willingly, understanding the worth of all lives. Slowly getting over what the man who called himself his father taught her, over all this pain and misery she went through since she was born.

And you ? Well you, you made it your mission to teach her about anything and everything. To show her the World, the one she was deprived of all those years.

You started things slow and easy, as to not overwhelm her.

You showed her your favorite movies and TV shows. Put on some music and talked about your favorite bands. You talked and talked and talked, hoping that maybe she’d copy you at some point ? Try to make a sound ?

But she only listened. Eagerly. However no words came out of her mouth.

Eventually, you moved on to things you didn’t particularly like music, movie or book wise, because you wanted her to experience “everything”. To catch up.

She seemed to like it, so you kept going. She liked movies you hated, and vice versa. She was forming her own personality, and wasn’t trying to copy you, or to agree to everything you said. You made sure she knew it was safe to be herself, when she was with you (and with the rest of the fam). It was good.

After a while, you took her with you on outings in Gotham. She only ever saw the city from the roofs, as she roamed them looking for her targets.

It was such a joy, to see her eyes go wide at the sight of some shops. Or to touch trees, lost in her thoughts. Looking at ducks on the pond. Being overly excited about giving bread to said ducks.

She became a big fan of hot dogs, and whenever she saw a cart would point at it excitedly and smile at you. You could never resist, even if Alfred would scold you afterward because you guys ate right before lunch time.

You went to see movies at the cinema with her, took her to concerts. You took her to the mall, thinking maybe she’ll like clothes and such...And she did. Albeit not exactly what people would think. She took a liking to the “punk subculture”. And to be honest, ripped jeans, spiked necklaces, platform shoes and such fitted her perfectly.

She went through multiple hair color phase, and each time, you supported her and dyed her hair however she liked. Because in your opinion, a teen should go through those phases !

But she still wasn’t speaking.

Two years. Two years of you helping her discovering the world, while Bruce taught her his principles. Two years of sign language, and slowly learning she wasn’t a bad person.

Two years. But not one word.

You were still hopeful though. She made such progress, since she first arrived. You kept all her drawings, when she was communicating only with those, and...It broke your heart, how her first drawings always represented her as if she was the worst person in the world.

When she met you and Bruce, saw your life, she blamed herself for so much. Both you and your husband reassured her though. She knew her past actions were wrong, which was more than most even realized ! Plus, it wasn’t her fault. It was all her “father”. All the man who turned her in a weapon.

Because when she was finally given the choice to “repent”, she took it without hesitation. She followed Bruce. She left behind all this pain and violence to start a new life.

Two years. For two years she followed that path. And she was great at it. You were convinced this kid was a deep empath...She cared a lot.

But she still didn’t speak.

You didn’t intend on giving up though. You knew one day or another she’ll find the strength to talk. But the healing process to come back from this past life of hers was long and laborious.

She couldn't be fixed in two seconds. She needed time. So in the meantime, you’d settle on showing her everything you knew, helping her experience the “real” world.

You were showing her one of your favorite TV show, “Gilmore Girls” when it happened. The show was mainly focused around the deep bond between a mother and her daughter, which in retrospect...Well, it made sense that it happened when you were watching this.

You were starting the third season when...

“Mom.”

At first, you didn’t quite register what had just happened. You were so used to her silence. In your head, it wasn’t possible that this sound you just heard came from her.

“Mom ?”

But it did. The main character from the show, Lorelai, was having one of her most famous quirky moments, it was one of your favorite scene and...you slowly turned towards your daughter. Your daughter ? Um ? When did you start to consider her as such ?

The first day she entered your life, a little voice answered in the back of your head. And it was true. Cassandra became “yours” as soon as she sat foot in the batcave, with her lost little eyes and inability to properly communicate.

“Mom.”

She says again, pointing at the TV. At Lorelai, the main character and the “mom” of the show. You were so shocked, that you could only nod.

Yes. Mom.

Cassandra smiled, apparently satisfied of your reaction. She pointed at the screen again, and said :

“Good...mom.”

You nodded again. Yes. Yes Lorelai was a good mother. She turned back to you, pointed at you this time and said :

“You...”

You ?

“Better.”

Better ? Uh ?

“You. -she pointed at herself - My -she was pointing at you now-...mom. Yes ?”

Your heart stopped. You felt like you were dying. Those few words...Those few words overwhelmed you.

Two years. Two years Cassandra stayed silent, occasionally interacting through sign language, but mostly listening. Smiling, nodding, being curious...

Two years of silence.

And when Cassandra finally found her voice. When she was finally able to speak...

“Yes Cassie. Yes. Your mom. Yours. I’m...”

You said, chocking on your own voice, barely audible, as you brought her into a hug.

“You. The one. Cannot speak now.”

Cassandra says, amusement in her voice. And it’s true, this time...this time you’re the one struggling to get any words out.

Two years of silence finally broken, as your daughter found her voice.

“You. My mom.”

************

Tim.

You were so, so, so so so so so SO proud.

Tears filled your eyes, as you saw him on the stage, holding proudly his trophy.

Things were made even more beautiful because...This was a normal moment, in a normal kid’s life. This didn’t involve capes, too many coffees and hours of sleep spend on the computer instead of in a bed.

This was all...Normal.

Tim had been in yours and Bruce’s life for a few years now. At first, his parents were still alive so he still lived with them...but they never noticed when he was gone. Parents of the year right ? When they died, it seemed logical to adopt him as your own.

He was such a smart boy, guessing at the mere age of eight who Batman really was, while no one else in Gotham seemed to have a clue.

But because he was so damn intelligent, his life...His life really hadn’t been normal. All of your kids’ life wasn’t quite normal, but you somehow always managed to give them a semblance of normality. By playing with them, by being silly with them etc etc.

But Tim ? Well. Tim was too focused. Tim never quite really acted like a normal boy. He reminded you a lot of Bruce, but Bruce was a grown ass man now. And even him, according to Alfred, had his moments of being a kid even after his parents’ death. He also lived eight blissful years being the most spoiled child in the World...

But Tim ? Tim never acted like a boy his age. Sure, he played sometimes. And he joined in on Disney movie night. He would accept your cuddles and affectionate hair ruffling any time. He loved when you read him a bed time story...But those moments were so rare !

So here, right now, at his school’s science fair...You were just incredibly proud and happy. Because it just felt like he was a normal kiddo.

Still smart as hell, sure, but that he had “normal” worries.

That very same morning, he was so stressed and scared of not winning the fair. That his experience wouldn’t work. That he’d be ridiculous.

He had “normal” kid of his age worries ! Albeit, you wished he didn’t had any worries at all, but it was nice to see him act just like all the other ten years old at the fair.

It was also nice to see he had many friends at his school. That he wasn’t a loner, that he didn’t isolate himself like he sometimes did at home.

If you didn’t go look for Tim to spend time with him, he would get lost in his work and never come out of his room. Forgetting to sleep and eat. He was way too dedicated...Well. Again. He reminded you a lot of Bruce.

But here he was, being a normal boy, proud to present his work at a normal science fair.

Of course, you and Bruce came to see him. And he seemed so happy, when he saw you coming in the room.

It kinda broke your heart, that he wasn’t sure if you would come or not. He did reserve you some seats though, in the front.

“I’m not sure I’ll win, I probably won’t but...I’m glad you came !”

You saw him worked on his project for the past six months, and it was amazing. Maybe it’s because he was your son but you were sure he’d win.

Wait. Your son ? Um...no. No question mark.

Yes. Your son.

He still called you and Bruce by your first name, but in your heart, he was your son. Yours.

And oh, seeing him so proud and happy to show you his work, and to introduce you to his friends...it was such a joy !

Plus, it was so rare to hear him blabber about normal subject. It made your heart beat with happiness when he whispered in your hear that he had a crush on the girl whose project was just next to his. She was a “smart cookie”.

You and Bruce teased him a bit about it, just enough so that he would still tell you things afterward and not be vexed or anything like that.

He showed you around his school, and...He just talked so much ! It was great.

And then...Then the day arrived to its end.

He was sitting between you and Bruce, holding yours and Bruce’s hand tightly to his forehead as if to give him courage, waiting eagerly for the result of the contest and...His name. It’s his name they called.

People applauded, but no one quite cheered him on as much as you and Bruce. You whistled, yelled “YAAAAY TIMMMMMYYY !!” while Bruce was telling to whoever was listening that it was “his son”.

The boy climbed on the stage, and was handed his trophy.

And oh you were so proud. And he looked so happy, so far from the dark world he lived in at times...Seeing him so happy, made you happy.

Just like seeing him sad made you sad. He was your son. Your little boy. You wanted only the best for him, and sometimes it was so difficult to give it to him...

Not today though. No. Today, you were glad you encouraged him to take part in the science fair contest. Because oh he just looked so joyful !

The teacher asked him if he wanted to give a quick speech, and you got a bit worried. Tim was such an introvert, public speaking was definitely not something he enjoyed.

And yet, yet he grabbed the mic excitedly and yelled :

“Mom ! Dad ! I won ! Look ! Look I have a trophy !! Look it’s almost as big as me ! Look mom !! Look dad look !!”

He was trotting all around the stage, under people’s fond laugh. Everyone was definitely thinking about how cute that little kid was ! And he was...yours !

No more first names. “Mom”. “Dad”. And he won. The trophy...The trophy was really almost as big as him (damn private school and their bling bling).

You were an absolutely blubbering mess by the time he jumped down back to the seat and showed off proudly his trophy to you, calling you “mom” and “dad” repeatedly as if it was the most natural thing in the world.

And it was. Because he was yours. Your little boy...

************

Damian.

“Stop, stooooop ! I’m fine, I really am ! Oh my god unhand me now !!”

Damian tried to wiggle out of your grasp, but you were holding onto him too tightly for him to be able to. Exasperated to the maximum, he yelled :

“MOM, LET ME GO AT ONCE !! I’M OKAY !!!”

This did the trick. You let go off him and just stared at him, shocked.

What did he just call you ?

He looked at you and let out a nervous chuckle. He...He didn’t really mean to call you that.

Or rather, he meant to do so for a long time, but never dared. Because what if you didn’t want to be his mom ? What if you didn’t want him as a son ? He wasn’t technically yours, after all.

Now of course, none of your kids were technically yours, and yet you accepted all of them. But Damian...Damian was actually Bruce’s son. So he thought...He thought maybe you hated him for existing ? Even though he was conceived before you got with Bruce ?

Damian was overthinking. And he never overthought. Not on such matters at least. Because you know what ? He was so sure he didn’t care about you, at first. So sure it didn’t matter if you didn’t like him, because you were just “the woman married to his father”.

But then...Then he changed his mind. Because even though he wasn't yours, and even though he was really mean to you, you still treated him like you treated your other children.

Even though he was a brat who insulted you many times...You never got mad at him. Sure, you got a bit snarky a few times, but just enough to make him realize he was being ridiculous, and yet not ridiculing him.

You even stopped Bruce from getting mad at him (your husband had the tendency to always jump in to defend your honor, even if you could defend yourself just fine...it was actually rather cute, in the end).

Instead, you just accepted him as he was. You withstand his tantrums, not batting an eye. You listened to his rant, without ever scolding him, but instead conversing with him. Trying to show him another point of view.

Damian didn’t want to get attached to you...But it just kinda..Happened.

He had been wanting to call you “mom” for a while, by now, but never dared. Because he was afraid you’d reject him, even if you shown nothing but understanding to him. He just...Well, he wasn’t sure his heart could bear your rejection.

He never really had a real loving mother. Instead of good night kisses, his mother left him beaten half to death in his bed, left him to take care of himself.

He never had bed time stories, but assassins send in the middle of the night to train him to be always vigilant. He never had cuddles, but punches.

And sure, he had encouraging words, but they were all about him becoming ruthless and heartless, and one day ruling the world. Not about him being close to beating his high score in a video game !

No. He never had...Someone like you. A real mother...A mom. And he was afraid that if he finally called you “mom”, the spell would be broken. You would be weirded out, and things would change.

But tonight...Tonight as he came back to the bat cave, something snapped in him. That night, his intercom broke in a fight and you were worried sick that something might have happened to him as you had no news.

And when he came back, and only had a few bruises and cuts...You just couldn’t hold yourself anymore. You were completely unaware of Damian’s inner turmoil about calling you “mom”, because for you...he was your son.

He became your son that first time he finally warmed up to you, finally smiled at you and said “yes” to playing a simple board game with you. And you thought you made it clear enough that you considered him your son...But oh, to Damian, who wasn’t used to it, of course it would be scary. And of course he would be unsure if he understood things well or not.

As soon as he came in the cave, and you saw he was unharmed, you rushed to him and took him in your arms. Making sure not to touch his bruises and cuts.

And that’s when it happened.

That’s when Damian struggled against your hug because oh my god he was fine ok ?! No need to worry that much !!

That’s when Damian said, in the most natural way ever, “mom”. Because of course...of course only a mother could be THAT worried about him. Right ?

That night, something truly snapped inside him. Suddenly, everything made sense. Yes. Of course.

“Really mom, I’m fine.”

His siblings, his father and Alfred were all looking at him, a wide smile on their faces. His brothers and his sister remembering the day they themselves first called you “mom”.

And you ? Well, you had one of your famous “burst of affection” all of a sudden, and grabbed onto your son, crying and saying :

“My baby boyyyyyyyyyy !!”

It made Damian incredibly happy, those few words...Even as you were almost suffocating him under your hugs and kisses.

____________________________________________

I feel like I wrote a lot of stuffs talking about what Batmom means to those kids. Talking about how they feel about her and vice versa. But I realized I never wrote about that first time they called her...”mom”. If you want all the background infos about how everything came to be, go check my other “Batmom x Batkids” fics (especially the sad ones at the end of the list, if you know what I mean) :). Anyway I hope you liked this thing I wrote on the spur of the moment, and as usual, feedbacks and reblogs = LIFE. On that note, it’s very VERY late (again, I got carried away) so I’m off to bed. See ya soon !

PS : If you’re wondering why Duke does not appear, simple reason : while he’s a member of the Batfam and all, I don’t think he considers Bruce (and by extension Batmom) like a dad (and so mom). Bruce is definitely a mentor. And he takes care of him while his parents are “sick”...But Duke’s parents are still alive, and there will eventually be a cure for what they have. Know what I mean ? I feel like Duke is more like a “cousin”, a “nephew”, than a son. HOWEVER, to compensate the fact I didn’t write about him here...I’ll write an entire fic just about him and how he fits in the Batfam. Because I can. Bam.

PPS : Appreciate this cute Dick Grayson from Earth 42. Imagine him looking like this in the fic, but with a pirate costume. Cute lil Dickie. Also, his story was the longest out of all the Batboys because I realized he’s the one I made interact with Batmom the least. And Damian’s is the shortest one because I wrote a LOT of stuffs with him bonding with Batmom :).

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blackbatpurplecat · 5 years ago

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Catwoman 80th Anniversary

In 1940, one of the now most popular comic book heroes of all time got his very first solo run. It would become a milestone in comic book history. But he wasn’t the only one who had a chance to shine. In that premiere issue, even TWO of his most famous antagonists would be introduced: The man who laughs and the woman who steals.

That woman was intended to become the love of the hero’s life. The good guy and the naughty girl, the appeal was palpable. However, she wasn’t just a love interest or a generic thief or only another villain in the ever growing gallery of rogues the hero would face over decades to come, no - she was quite the character.

Her first alias was “The Cat” which would ultimately become Catwoman. Selina Kyle, the best thief in the world, a literal cat burglar, a classy seductress and queen of sass. And fans loved her so much that over time, she grew to become just as famous as the hero.

Her story has had its ups and downs. Mostly ups. ;) Going from the pages of the comics to the little and the big screen in the 60s, then she disappeared for a while, then made a comeback. She married the hero and had a child, though that marriage was later rebooted and was followed by a depressing origin story a sexist author made up for her in the 80s.

The 90s then turned out to be her decade! She found herself on the TV screen again, animated this time. She was portrayed by a Golden Globe winner on the big screen again. And she finally got her very own solo run in comics.

Her solo title was successful enough to run for over 20 years, a time in which her development from antagonist to anti-heroine would pan out. She would be a member of several teams, dance on both sides of the law, and even have another child. The screen called her back in form of a movie and a tv show. In one she was a thief with a love for killing, in the other a teenager. And we already know that her movie career will soon continue with two more projects.

In 2016, DC rebooted their entire universe. Catwoman’s origin story was changed, her relationships were lost, her solo run got canceled. No one knew what was real anymore - and fans didn’t like it. Only a year later, a retcon followed in a pathetic attempt to restore a status quo fans were familiar with and approved of. Even her solo run came back and today, in June 2020, we celebrate her 80th anniversary!

Catwoman is my favorite DC character ever. She’s clever, she’s funny, she’s stubborn, she’s classy, she’s confident, she plays by her own rules. When written right, she is such an entertaining character, unpredictable and fun.

In 80 years, there have been countless appearances, so many incarnations and interpretations of her - sure, I didn’t like all of them but you can say there’s something for each one of us. You don’t like her in the 2010s? Check out the 90s. You don’t like her in the 40s? Check out the 80s. There’s a version of Catwoman for many different tastes. She never goes out of fashion.

So to celebrate one of DC’s most famous women, they published a collection of 10 stories in total, written and drawn by people who have had touched her character over the past years.

Did Catwoman 80th Anniversary - Celebrating Eight Decades of Beauty and Burglary do her justice?

Warning: Spoilers!

Let’s check out each story and see what the writers came up with for this very special occasion. Except for one, none of these are meant to be canon, it’s just a collection of shorts meant to emphasise why Catwoman is so good. Something I noticed was that each writer had not picked any Catwoman to write but “their” Catwoman. A nice detail. Consistency, why not? Write what you feel comfortable and familiar with. This can only help with the quality of the stories, right? ... Right? ...

Strap in folks, this is going to be a LOOOOONG post!

Story #1: Skin the Cat by Paul Dini

Selina’s just living her normal life with her cats, occasionally stealing some money and jewels. Hey, a girl’s gotta eat. ;) What catches her attention are news reports about stolen big cats. I’m a cat lover myself and this series of crimes would worry me just as much as it worries Selina. She deduces where in Gotham someone could hide those wild cats, breaks in, and is welcomed by an eerie voice - as well as the taxidermied cats. Fucking bastard... The villain Taxidermist, quelle surprise, is behind the cat murders. He now intends to gas Selina and add her to his cat collection but Selina reveals that she’d already turned off the gas before breaking in. She escapes his long knives and watches as three big cats she had brought with her attack and kill him.

What an intro! A story about Selina’s love for cats and her strategic thinking. I really liked the first half! But once the Taxidermist shows up, it loses itself in drawn out exposition. Selina goes on a long monologue to explain to the reader who the Taxidermist is, how she knew it was him, how she turned off the gas, and how she replaced three of the dead cats with alive ones. I would have preferred to actually SEE her preparations for the face-off in flashback panels instead of having to read it. It didn’t feel natural at all. Also how the fuck did she bring 3 wild cats and switch them for the stuffed ones?! How?! And when?! I’m also quite sad that she didn’t get to save the cats. That was a bummer. So all she basically did was bring 3 big cats to kill a killer.

The art’s gorgeous, nothing else to say here!

6/10

Story #2: Now You See Me by Ann Nocenti

Ann Nocenti’s name immediately made me go uh-oh... Her bad and convoluted writing style made readers drop the Catwoman books which eventually lead to the solo run’s cancelation so you can understand why I was concerned.

So Catwoman is hiding a little pouch in a pigeon loft on a roof while pondering who to sell her stolen goods to - as well as where to vacation afterwards. She then notices a surveillance camera. The scene cuts to two cops on surveillance duty. They’re both bored as hell so when one spots Selina, he quickly distracts his colleague and leaves to find her. He takes the pouch out of the pigeon loft and a fight between him and Catwoman ensues. He reveals that he wants to become her partner. He wants to feed her any intel he can see on his screens so she could steal and sells some goods, and they’d split the money. When Selina refuses, he tries to blackmail her into complying. Selina presses a button on a little device and whatever’s in the pouch the cop sacked, explodes, sending him over the edge. Luckily, he lands on an umbrella Penguin had sent off apparently because we see him in one panel, angered that his plan was foiled. I’m not entirely sure what his “brilliant plan” was supposed to be. Something with gas tanks that were strapped to the umbrella I assume? I have no idea.

This one is missing too much context for my taste. What was in the pouch? Did the explosion kill the guy? What was Penguin doing there? What was his plan? Why did we need the second cop? For a super obvious but unnecessary parallel between Catwoman vs. corrupt cop and random woman vs. random man on one of the surveillance screens? Why give Catwoman so little “screen time” and so little dialogue? Is this short story referencing anything from Nocenti’s awful run and I just forgot? To quote Val Kilmer Batman: “It just raises too many questions.”

The art’s okay, nothing too special.

3/10

Story #3: Helena by Tom King

Oh boy. This is the big one. The one everyone’s been waiting for, I guess. The man who not so long ago had promised us a BatCat wedding just to shove a huge middle finger in our faces, promised us a pregnant Selina this time. I was skeptical of course. Also other readers were convinced he’d just let Selina have a miscarriage. Well, the good news is it wasn’t a miscarriage. The bad news is he almost makes Selina seem like she would have preferred a miscarriage.

The story goes like this: Selina hasn’t been feeling well so instead of going to a doctor like a normal person, Bruce scans her head and checks her vitals and blood (I can only assume because we’re not shown). Selina’s convinced that she’s seriously ill but a gentle, hopeful smile on Bruce’s face reveals the actual truth: She is pregnant. And her first reaction is shock and denial. We cut to BatCat fighting Tweedledum and Tweedledee (I think, you can’t really see them but the two men they knock out look identical). Selina then bends over and says that she’s about to throw up. Followed by a Batbucket joke. I’m getting so tired of all the forced self-awareness, guys. We cut to Catwoman, now sporting a baby bump underneath the skin-tight leather, sitting on a roof. She prepares a glass of wine while telling the baby that it is just like Bruce and it’s such a dick for taking away her freedom. After one sip, she chucks the glass away and curses. We’re then treated to a montage of BatCat fighting several rogues while Selina’s belly grows with each panel until it’s an 8, maybe 9 months along belly. I... I have no words. Except for yes, this was written by a man. BatCat are then standing on a roof and Selina laments that she’s a thief, not a mother, and the baby will derail her life and plans. The scene switches to Bruce and Selina in bed, arguing because she’s in labor. Bruce is ready to roll while Selina is STILL in denial, crying that she’s not a mother, that she’s not a hero or a good and brave person like him. Bruce tells her she didn’t run off so that means she’s a good person and they agree that it’s time to have the baby. Another cut to Selina having to take care of a crying baby Helena, asking why she’s crying when it’s Selina’s turn to stay at home and not Bruce’s. Selina talks to Helena, saying she’s luckier than Selina was because Selina’s mom ran off. She fucking FINALLY says something nice about her own child (”You’re a cute little kitten.”) and wonders what they’re going to do with her. The last page is old Selina and grownup Helena after Bruce’s death. Selina’s complaining about the pretty cemetery while Helena likes it. Her daughter’s ability to not shit on just everything and not be a total killjoy all the time causes Selina to say again that Helena is like Bruce. Upon Helena’s question if she’s anything like her mother, Selina answers that she’s just as stubborn as her. If she wants something, she steals it. Helena asks what she ever stole and Selina delivers the last predictable cliche of the story: “You stole my heart.”

Ugh. King’s Selina is just such a boring read. She’s not charming or interesting or sympathetic. Maybe I’m too used to a fun Selina but this one’s just a drag. A heavily pregnant Catwoman fighting Joker, yeah sure, totally not absolute bullshit. And the way Selina keeps distancing herself from the child inside her? For over 9 months?! Is she going out in that ridiculous catsuit because she wants to cause a miscarriage, is that it? So she doesn’t have to make a decision like abortion, adoption or leaving the baby with Bruce? Her constant cussing over the situation and crying and whining turns the pregnancy of my favorite DC couple into such a depressing ordeal.

The art is very pretty! Thank God.

4/10

Story #4: The Catwoman of Earth by Jeff Parker

After the depressing pregnancy of Catwoman, we switch to the wacky 60s version of her. Catwoman and her henchmen are robbing a science fair when suddenly, a UFO arrives. WTF?! Four aliens and a robot are beamed down to the surface and the group’s leader, an arrogant jock-like guy proclaims that they will take over the planet and enslave humanity. Catwoman angrily stands up to him. Turns out the evil aliens are sexist too when the male one tells Catwoman females have to ask for permission to speak and the female alien in the group unhappily agrees. The jock alien tells the muscly male alien to dispose of Catwoman but she’s not easy to dispose of! She fights off the brawler, she cuts the tentacles off the tentacle alien (someone WILL jerk off to that one panel), dodges the jock’s laser gun, steals the laser gun with her whip, shoots the robot to bits, and lets the police take the males away. The female alien seems much happier now and invites Catwoman to a flight around the world in the UFO. Catwoman suggests a trip to Paris so she can loot the Louvre.

Aliens and Catwoman don’t mix. I didn’t really care for this story. I mean it’s great to see Catwoman in action and taking down four guys on her own but... aliens and Catwoman just don’t mix. It was a bit jarring to me. Also the aliens’ designs weren’t super interesting. They were basically pink elves.

The art is beautiful. Catwoman looks like Julie Newmar and the entire color scheme is very 60s.

4/10

Story #5: A Cat of Nine Tales by Liam Sharp

Catwoman’s caught stealing a diamond necklace by an armed security guard. He seems a bit scared of her but knows it’s his job to stop her. She’s not engaging in a fight - of course not, he has a gun pointed at her! So instead, Catwoman relies on her talking skills. And intimidation skills. She tells the guard that there are 9 ways their situation could play out: 1. The guard lets her tie him up and escape with the necklace. 2. She beats his ass. 3. He kills her. 4. She scratches his eyes out. 5. He slips and gets knocked out. 6. He fires his gun, misses her, and the bullet ricochets until it kills him. 7. They team up. 8. She gives up. 9. She kills him. However, the story ends with the guard fainting because Catwoman’s just so damn scary.

Very short, very simple. Even the art is simple, on one page there are 3 very similar panels with only minor changes. Nothing memorable but not too bad. It shows how Catwoman can take someone out even without touching them. It’s okay.

The art reminds me of a comic from the 80s or maybe 90s. Hard to describe why. Guess you have to see it. Again, it’s okay.

5/10

Story #6: Little Bird by Mindy Newell

Selina learns from a news report that a priceless mezuzah has been found at a flea market. It’s currently at the Jewish Museum of Gotham City and Selina immediately steals it. Later, Batman shows up at her place and asks why she wants the mezuzah. She doesn’t give him much of an answer so he leaves. Pretty pointless scene I would say. A flashback reveals that a young Selina used to live with a Jewish lady. I dunno, I guess she’s a foster mother? And the woman liked Selina so much and considered her family so she gave her that mezuzah to pass it on to her own kids one day (even though Selina doesn’t want kids, is not related to the lady, and isn’t Jewish). Back to the present, Selina’s punishing a client. That prostitute background made an unwanted comeback for this story because Selina’s resisting and denying herself love so she’s “whoring”, to prove to herself how despicable she is. Okay...? There’s an inner turmoil going on, she’s torn between selling the artefact or not. Eventually, she decides to bring the mezuzah back to the lady she used to live with. The lady’s grown old and demented, lives in a home and is at the verge of dying. Selina places an envelop between the lady’s hands and leaves. The home’s director finds the envelop which contains the mezuzah, an official document which basically ensures that the lady will be taken care of before and after her death, and a poetic note from Selina.

My least favorite story out of them all - and that is quite an accomplishment when there are King and Nocenti in the same book! It had that Frank “I’m an insane sexist racist asshole” Miller prostitute bullshit in it and Selina hating herself again. This time, the “whoring” (and this word is not me, it’s from the actual story) is used as a way of self-punishment. Because it’s disgusting and wrong and Selina only does it to torture herself. Dunno if that’s the right message you wanna send here... The Jewish lady was kinda random to me because Selina’s not Jewish and never has been Jewish. This is not a negative point, it’s just so random. And the Batman scene was pointless, I have no idea what purpose it served. Except for showing us Batman pay Selina like a john and having Selina make jokes about “whoring.” Ugh.

The art was great, very clean.

1/10

Story #7: Born to Kiln by Chuck Dixon

Going from my least favorite to my favorite story in this book!

Catwoman knows there’s a diamond in a safe on a boat that is set to leave the harbour in the morning. So she climbs aboard at night to steal the gem. She finds several dead sailors and they’re all covered in mud. Who could have done this? Yes, you guessed right - it’s Clayface! He’s already at the safe, opens it, and retrieves the big stone. Catwoman reveals herself and aims a fire hose at him. Her confidence, however, dies the moment the hose doesn’t work. Clayface swallows the diamond and starts chasing after her. There’s apparently a machine to spray-paint cars on the boat so she lures him inside, activates the paint to blind him, and the hot lamps for the drying process immobilise the big pile of mud. Now that he’s nothing more than hard clay, Catwoman takes a wrench to him and takes the freed diamond.

FINALLY a story I really, really like from beginning to end! First off, IT’S PURPLE CATWOMAN!!! Selina is wearing my favorite costume, the iconic Jim Balent suit from her 90s solo run in this story - and I LOVE IT!!! Yeah, her boobs are quite loose in it and sometimes dangle in strange ways but fuck it! LOL I prefer hanging boobs over a tight corset that should reduce her agility or a back breaking pose anytime! We get sneaky Selina, we get playful Selina, we get over confident Selina who has to think fast and run even faster, and she gets what she wants in the end without killing anyone.

The art is gorgeous! It’s very fluid and alive. I also absolutely adore the cute facial expressions on Kitten’s face, especially when she locks Clayface in. I miss Catwoman being fun. In this, she’s just adorable and not sexualised at all.

8/10

Story #8: Conventional Wisdom by Will Pfeifer

Selina finds herself at a Bat Con and is supposed to give autographs. The whole scenario seems weird and confusing to her, she doesn’t remember how she got there or what is going on. Bruce, Joker, Riddler, and Two-Face being there with her to give autographs is even weirder. And why does no one except for her react to that unconscious, bloody man on the floor?! On her way to her panel, she runs into several cosplayers which is basically only fan service. But you will find the male, dark-skinned version of me at her panel, asking when the fuck she will finally put that 90s suit back on!!! The dialogues keep breaking the fourth wall, pointing out that this story is about to end. One of the panel’s attendees looks like Marvel’s Taskmaster and another is Selina herself in her Catwoman suit. Selina slowly remembers what happened: The Taskmaster dude is Doctor Destiny, she broke into his lair and stole his reality distorter, a little machine she’s been carrying around for the entire story. She smashes the machine to wake up back in the lair and cracks her knuckles, ready to take down Doctor Destiny and his goons.

And it was all a dream! That twist has never been a favorite of mine. Even though it’s not really a twist; you know immediately that it’s a dream. We don’t learn anything new about Selina or see anything Catwoman-y in this. It’s really basically fan service. They wanted Selina to see and interact with real life fans of hers so they made it happen. She also comments on various versions of her costume. It’s cute but kinda forgettable.

The art is good, it’s rare to see light and bright colors in a Catwoman book so it was a nice change. And the cosplayers looked nice. But they could have used different body types to make the fans more diverse and visually appealing.

3/10

Story #9: Addicted to Trouble by Ram V

And here we are, the premiere of the duo that will take over Catwoman’s current solo run from #23 onward. We get a first taste of the writing and art and I must say it’s a good taste.

This short story serves as a continuation of Joelle Jones’ #21 issue where at the end of the arc, Selina and her sister Maggie left Gotham in a purple car. So we see a short recap of how they got the car and where they were headed but unfortunately, the engine dies. They hitchhike to Memphis. Selina’s frustrated that Maggie doesn’t talk to her. They get drunk and start a fight at a bar. The cops show up and arrest them. While sitting in the back of the cop car, the girls start laughing together and steal the car. They leave behind their luggage which only contains stuff they won’t miss - including Selina’s cat funeral dress. They drive back to Gotham, Selina steals food and drinks on the way, and they cuddle on a rooftop overlooking the city. The story cuts to Selina and Leandro, a character I would know if I had continued the Jones run. She tells him she wants to lay low for a while and stay out of trouble. When he asks “Oh? Really?”, Selina throws a naughty smile towards the reader. Yeah yeah, lay low my ass. :D

First off, I have no idea what happened before the road trip, I don’t know why they took it or why Maggie doesn’t talk or what the purpose of all of this was because all they do is get drunk, fight an entire bar, and go back. No idea what that accomplished. And I feel sorry for the car because it was so gorgeous. Anyway, I am happy to say that Ram V has a great writing style! He gave a good voice to Selina, it sounded very natural and like a human would talk, no forced exposition or fake deepness.

The art was good, there were a few expressive faces and the bar fight was well executed.

5/10 (because I don’t know the context)

Story #10: The Art of Picking A Lock by Ed Brubaker

Instead of ending with a transition to the next Catwoman issue (which I would have preferred), the collection offers one more story and it’s written by the man who successfully handled the second half of Selina’s first solo run. He turned her stories more into the film noir direction and gave her sidekicks. The run also gave her a fugly suit and made her have sex with old men and Brubaker wanted to kill her off and have her not know who the father to her unborn child was so... yeah, I’m torn about that guy.

The last story shows us Catwoman breaking into a warehouse full of Joker goons while thinking about the thrill of breaking locks and how she learned how to do it when she was at a juvenile detention center. She beats them all up and demands to know where “he” is. Later, her friend Holly is on a motorcycle chasing after a cab while Catwoman is riding on top of a subway. Both reach Gotham’s harbor. We see that the cab is filled with Joker gas and the driver is laughing maniacally. Holly can’t reach the cab in time and it drives off into the water. Catwoman swings down and jumps after it. She breaks the trunk open and reveals a handcuffed Slam Bradley. Cut to the three back on dry land. Holly chides him for going after Joker alone and not waiting for backup. He admits that it was dumb, then shares intel on where Joker will strike and Selina should tell “her friend.” She says she will and Slam ends the book with the words that he could really use a cigarette. NO, this book was not that good that it would warrant a cigarette at the end!

This short obviously takes place during the second half of the first solo run. We see Catwoman in action, that’s cool. Taking down almost a dozen of armed Joker henchmen, that’s pretty badass! And a woman saves the man damsel in distress at the end, that’s a nice ending as well. However, I don’t care about the costume so the visual appeal wasn’t there and I really don’t care about Slam Bradley so the reveal at the end was pretty ugh to me.

The art is great! It’s like a modernised/smoother version of Darwyn Cooke’s style, the artist Brubaker worked on the Catwoman title in the 00s with. So that gives it a pretty nostalgic feel.

5/10

In addition to the 10 stories we’ve now covered, there are pages to show off the Catwoman costumes of each decade as well as pinups. The costume pages are designed in the decade’s style (the 40s are black and white, the 60s psychedelic etc). But what I don’t get about the 90s one: It’s purple Catwoman grayed out in the background and gray BTAS Catwoman in color in the foreground - why make the purple outfit gray when you have an already gray outfit?! Just switch them! Also who put together the 70s one, couldn’t they find better costume examples?!

The seven pinups are pretty, unfortunately the majority feature the black outfits. I was surprised that even Tim Sale drew the black costume and not the purple one from his Long Halloween series. We get one of the gray BTAS costume and Jim Balent thankfully gives us BatCat with his purple creation. Nice!

Well, looking back at my personal scores for this collection of stories, Catwoman’s anniversary issue reached a total of 44/100 points in my book. Wow. That’s... not that good.

Most of the stories ranged from average to bad. Nothing spectacular, nothing memorable. There’s a lack of witty dialogue, Catwoman’s rarely fun to watch. In six stories she’s seen fighting, in three she’s seen being chased so I’m missing the variety here. I would assume you can do more with Catwoman than that. She often rather fights instead of using her wits and smarts. And actual cats are only featured in two stories but in one they die and in the other, Selina says she should drown them. -_-

A collection of 10 new stories was a great idea but celebrating the character this is not. I’m happy that the next writer for Catwoman left a positive impression on me and the story feat. Balent’s Catwoman was a delight. However, the writers didn’t really bring their “A” game for this anniversary issue which is disappointing.

Would I recommend it? Hmmm. It pains me to say: not really, no. You don��t miss much by skipping it. You don’t miss sassy lines or breathtaking art, you don’t miss out on funny scenes or emotional depth. This anniversary issue is merely average and I highly doubt I’ll go back to reread it.

(a huge THANK YOU to everyone who read this entire, way too long post! i highly appreciate it 💜you’re a real trooper!)

#catwoman #review

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bigskydreaming · 5 years ago

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Imagine that Dick and Jason liiiiiive to synchronize their Let’s Be Shits schedules just in time for any posh gala the Wayne children are expected to attend.

Some Douchebag is like “So, Richard. What is it you do, these days?”

And Dick just plasters on the most vacuous smile in existence, like the kind that could only be engineered in a lab by combining Brucie with a Colgate commercial for sparkling teeth, special effects included.

And he’s like, “Oh, I’m an instagram model and social influencer.”

And then Jason appears out of nowhere, swaying on his feet and throwing an arm around Dick’s shoulder as if to support himself, hiccuping a little and splashing some of his wine over the edge of his glass (its apple juice, of course).

“So am I,” he says, punctuating with another hiccup. “But only like. Ironically.”

Dick leans in towards the Douchebag as if to confide a secret, as the latter tries to lean away whilst still figuring out what expression his face wants to produce.

“He keeps saying that like it means something, but I’m not sure it does. I think he saw it on a youtube video and just started copying it. That’s not copyright infringement right? Bruce’ll probably be pissed if he has to pay out another lawsuit for copyright stuff after I just got in trouble for trying to sell tickets to my band’s show without getting permission to use all the songs we did. Like, how was I supposed to know you needed permission to sing songs? Isn’t this, like. America?”

The Douchebag starts stammering and attempting to edge gracefully away - hell, he’ll settle for not gracefully, he really was never even looking for an answer in the first place, just a soundbite he could reenact for his snobby friends later. This was more than he was actually prepared for.

Jason meanwhile surges forward and grabs a hold of Douchebag’s suited arm, acting like he still needs the support.

“Hey. It does so mean something, and I came up with it on my own, I didn’t steal shit. If I was going to steal stuff, I’d go for the silver, not words, how dumb do you think I am? He’s always doing this,” he complains to the Douchebag.

“Just because I didn’t start school until the sixth grade and had to bribe our little brother to take all my tests for me, he acts like I don’t even know what words mean. But he’s the one who only passed his senior year of high school by getting Playgirl to do a photoshoot of him when he turned eighteen just before finals, and then most of his teachers just made sure he passed so they wouldn’t feel pervy because they’d gone gaga over his photos and then he got held back a year and they had to see him every day and feel sketchy.”

Dick spreads his arms wide as if an extremely self-explanatory point has just been made.

“Hello? Is that, or is that not, a display of genius?”

“Really, I do have to be going, I think I see my old business partner waving at me from over there - “ the Douchebag says somewhat desperately.

“Dammit Jay, look what you did.” Dick wails dramatically. He even stomps a foot for good measure. Jason’s struggling not to laugh. “You’re embarrassing us in front of one of Bruce’s guests. Now he thinks we’re low class and its going to be all over the news and this is gonna be the last straw and Bruce’ll get fed up and say we can never go to these things again and its going to be all your fault and none of this would ever happen if you weren’t always like. Ugh. What’s the word.”

The Douchebag is hastily assuring them he doesn’t think they’re embarrassing or low class and he’s not going to tell anyone otherwise, while still trying to pry his jacket sleeve loose from Jason’s iron grip. Jason meanwhile appears oblivious to anything the Douchebag says or does, as he fixates on his brother and starts waving his own arms around dramatically....which sends Douchebag stumbling in the process, all without either brother seeming to notice.

“Well I’m sure I can’t help you, since I don’t know words so good,” Jason hisses equally dramatically. “I’m just a fucking dumbass from the Narrows, isn’t that right. I’m not some fancy circus boy like you were, all I had to practice reading on as a kid was my rap sheet.”

He moves to fling his arms over his head in exasperation, and tears the Douchebag’s suit sleeve with a resounding ripping noise in the process. Douchebag stares at the remains of the jacket that cost several thousand dollars that he doesn’t have, because he’s a pompous jackass who lives beyond his means in an attempt to fund his social ladder climbing expeditions.

“Now look what you did,” Dick cries, flinging his head back as if in total despair, the black locks of his hair flying from side to side in theatrical disarray. “Do you even know how much that poor man’s suit must have cost him? Probably more than my parents’ trailer, I’ll bet you that much.”

“Really, its quite alright,” the Douchebag tries to insist through clenched teeth. It wasn’t, in his eyes, not by a long shot, but he forced himself to remember that for whatever reasons, these two...peasants were still Bruce Wayne’s chosen wards....or well, worse yet...adopted sons. God, but that man’s abyssmal IQ was an absolute plague on Gotham’s high society. “It could have happened to anyone.”

“No, please, don’t try and cover for him, he’ll never learn that way. You must let us pay for the damage, Bruce will just take it out of his allowance, it’ll be fine,” Dick says, patting at the man’s arm feverishly as if he can smooth out the gaping hole left by the flap now hanging limply down the man’s sleeve.

“Oh, I’ll never learn? How about you, destroying Bruce’s grandmother’s antique china at the birthday party you tried to throw for Damian after Bruce specifically asked you not to try and play host anymore?” Jason gets in his brother’s face, liquid sloshing over the side of his erratically swinging glass and in the process splashing all over the back of the Douchebag’s neck.

“I was trying to actually do something nice for someone else, not that you’d know anything about that,” Dick hisses obnoxiously loudly. “How was I supposed to know you weren’t supposed to use steak knives to cut up food on china? Its not like plates come with instruction manuals!”

“Not like you’d know how to read them if they did!”

“Have you never heard of Youtube tutorials?”

“Have you never heard of shut the fuck up, you absolute dillhole?”

“Would both of you stop it? You’re causing a scene!” The two’s younger brother Timothy arrived on the scene, smoothly sliding between them and the ecstatically grateful Douchebag, who backpeddles out of the way at the first available opportunity. Tim throws him an apologetic glance, but the Douchebag barely notes it as he furiously makes for the side entrance as fast as he can, with the less people seeing his disheveled state the better.

So much for the networking he had planned on doing the rest of the night. He firmly vowed to steer far clear of the eldest two Wayne buffoons at all future events Brucie insisted on inflicting the oafs on the rest of them.

All of which of course means he completely missed the way the brothers’ dramatics hushed into heated whispers upon Tim’s arrival, or the high five Dick and Jason slipped each other discreetly.

“Let’s see Brucie top that,” Jason says smugly.

“Oh god. You’ve finally done it. You’ve turned a charity event into a war games scenario.”

“Oh please. All of that money goes straight into the board of directors’ pockets,” Dick says dismissively. “The only actual money being raised for charity tonight is from the jewelry Selina’s liberating from the guests. And Damian and Cass already called dibs on helping her with that, and Duke’s already doing the scorekeeping for when that inevitably turns into a competition, so we were bored. And left alone to our own devices. So really if anyone’s to blame its everyone but us.”

“Sides, this is a time honored tradition for us,” Jason adds with a smirk. “We call it guerilla class warfare. We’re sleeper agents for the working class, see.”

“You’re the reason the Valentinos never show up to any Wayne Enterprise hosted events anymore, aren’t you?” Tim realizes.

“Some of our best work,” Dick reminisces fondly. Their little brother sighs.

“Please at least tell me you never actually posed for Playgirl.”

Dick shrugs. “Oh, they offered, but even when Bruce and I were at our worst, its not like I ever actually wanted to give him a stroke.”

“Continuity error,” Jason points out smugly. “Total amateur move.”

Dick merely arches a brow. “Not when I can simply claim Bruce must have paid to cover it up for the sake of the family image, and was absolutely furious at my besmirching of the good Wayne family name. And wait a second, weren’t you the one who introduced that into the scene in the first place? I just yes and-ed according to the rules of improv, like the professional that I am.”

“Yeah, that doesn’t sound right,” Jason says, completely unperturbed. Not an ounce of perturbed in sight. He continues on smoothly. “And if Sir Douchely of Douchington actually digs a little deeper and yet can’t seem to find anyone who recalls ever actually seeing this oh so salacious spread?”

Dick’s shit remains unphased.

“I’ll simply flip the script and release the hounds aka Steph, Harper, Cullen and all three dozen of their twitter handles, wondering all over the Gotham social media highways just why someone of his standing is so intent on tracking down the homoerotic depravities of the eldest Wayne heir, given that despite his unjust leapfrogging up the social ladder, he is still ultimately a....commoner.”

“Ah yes,” Jason nods sagely. “And as all Gothamites know well, if you prick us, we doth not bleed blue. Just a terribly pedestrian red.”

“Oh the humanity,” Dick sighs. He joins his younger brother in nodding the slow, steady head-bob of the intellectually validated, their seeming rivalry melting into sibling synchronicity.

Tim eyes them and shakes his head side to side instead.

“You two disturb me.”

Jason shrugs. “Well, that does make sense. Don’t get me wrong, you’re our little brother and we’re terribly fond of you now, Timmers. But when the revolution comes, we will have to turn on you as well.”

“Fair is fair,” Dick hums in agreement. “We can’t play favorites. That’s how you get an upper class in the first place.”

“Yeah I don’t know what to do with this,” Tim sighs and heads off in search of Steph.

“Just FYI, your girlfriend’s Team Proletariat too. She’s got the T-shirt and everything,” Jason calls after him.

Tim swerves in mid-step and redirects himself towards Kate. At least their cousin slash-aunt-slash-nobody’s-bothered-to-parse-the-actual-relation-there could be counted on to be somewhat normal. Her idea of making a scene was to simply start a brawl, and Tim had overheard Bruce specifically elicit a promise from her earlier in the evening that she would throw no punches or kicks or headbutts or judo throws, nor any manner of actual or improvised weaponry.

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pandoraimperatrix · 5 years ago

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Dick Centred BatCat / Future fic / Fluff | 1358w

Read on AO3

Dick didn’t know when he started thinking Selina as his surrogate mother.

It was between that time he sprained his shin after a bad fall when he was 11, and she stopped her escape to see if he was ok and stayed with him, telling him silly stories to distract him from the pain until the Batman came (he let her go that time); and when she appeared at his 20 years old birthday party to give him a kiss even though she and Bruce were in a middle of one of their fights. She kissed him full in the mouth, he made her promise she would never do that again, her sparkling laugh reverberated through the whole saloon.

It wasn’t like she replaced his own real mother in his heart. Selina had never told him bedtime stories, nor she gave him lots of hugs or went to his school plays. Yes, that was that one time when he punched Mark Ryan in 7th grade for making fun of him for being adopted, and it was Selina who came to pick him up from the principal’s office. She took him to eat ice cream that evening, Bruce wasn’t as understanding when he got home, nor Alfred when he saw the stains in his shirt and found out he had dessert before dinner but Dick felt grateful nonetheless.

Still, for most of the time, she was the only adult women in his life. Bruce would sometimes date other women for longer than a week, one time even Wonder Woman. Though there was nothing wrong with most of them – because some of them were really weird like Vicky Valle – he was always relieved when it was not a stranger, but Selina who he found wearing Bruce’s shirts laying in the living room sofa watching old movies in the middle of the night when the Batman was patrolling alone and Dick couldn’t sleep.

When he left, it took three entire years until he saw her again. Even when Bruce made him come back to make Dick Grayson appearances at soirees and galas she wasn’t there, and he regretted deeply throwing her absence at Bruce’s face in a middle of a fight to hurt him when they were at the worst point of their relationship. Turned out she was in Italy giving birth to Helena, as they would only find out only ten years after that.

Even so, she was a constant in Dick’s life, and when strangers asked about her, he often explained her relation to him as his guardian’s girlfriend even when she wasn’t with Bruce. And he always wished they would just stop fooling around and make each other an honest man and woman. Jason and Tim agreed with him, when Damian was younger he would be very vocal about his dislike of Selina. Especially after the hard time he had accepting his little sister, even though there was a picture in Bruce’s room of them both sleeping in the very sofa Dick and Selina would share when he was Damian’s age at the time. He knew Alfred would also agree, no one in the world desired more for that day to come, and Dick never wished more some people were immortal as he stood at the place that should be the old butler’s at Selina’s and Bruce’s wedding.

The bride’s hair was as white as her dress, and the groom was pushed to the altar by his oldest grandson, who was also Dick’s oldest grandson, thanks to his daughter terrible choice for spouse.

Dick himself minstructed the ceremony, and at the toast Jason joked that it would be a really low move if Selina tried to run away again since Bruce couldn’t go after her, Bruce replied that he didn’t need to run since he has a flying wheelchair.

It was the most lovely evening, Dick lost the count of the times Kory dried his eyes with a napkin when he didn’t even notice that he was crying and he could swear he saw a tear falling from Bruce’s eye when Helena made her speech. Clark made him laugh so much telling old stories about how grumpy Bruce would get every time Selina wasn’t in the picture that Dick had to get out a bit to get some air.

He found her at the balcony, closed eyes, flute of champagne in her hand, ridiculously giant diamond ring sparkling under the candle light.

‘What are you doing here? You won’t try to run away now, will you? It’s a bit late anyway, he finally did it. He married you.’

Selina gave him her trademark red lipped wicked smile, but now the crinkles around her eyes didn’t disappear when she relaxed.

‘No, kitten, not this time, I’m not leaving.’

‘No cold feet this time?’

‘Oh, I definitely had cold feel earlier, you can ask your wife, I totally asked her to distract Helena as I tried to run away with the silverware.’

Dick snorted.

'What made you stay this time?’

She turned the flute in her fingers.

‘Despite your father’s allegiance of a flying wheelchair, I know he’s too old to chase me… And I want to be here when Mar'i pop the next one, when do you think her and the little bat will close the factory?’

‘As much as I’m thrilled with the prospects of more grandchildren,’ he already had two ‘I really try to not think about Mar'i’s and Damian’s factory.’

She laughed again.

‘I still find this whole story so funny.’

‘It wasn’t as funny when it started, I wanted to kill him.’

‘Oh I remember, he stayed at my house after that night you found out about them.’

‘He was with you? Traitor!’

‘He was terrified. You know how he loves you, Dick.’

'Oh, him I forgave after I saw how happy he makes my daughter, it’s you I can’t forgive. I’ve always thought you were on my team.’

‘Darling, you know I love all my kittens equally, but I had to take Damian’s side that time… And you from everyone have no right to complain about someone privileging Damian.’

'Yeah, and what that got me? Treason from my own cat mother.’

She walked toward him, a huge smile on her face, she fixed his cravat.

'If I let you kill him you wouldn’t have such beautiful grandchildren.’

‘The beauty of them is not thanks to him, they all look like Kory.’

They heard a shout and turned in time to see a small golden-skinned little girl run away from a laughing Tim.

‘Do you really think of me like that?’

Her words brought back his attention and Dick looked down at her, Selina was still holding his cravat.

‘Like what?’

'Like your cat mom?’

He caught her hand in his.

'Yes. Does it bother you?’

He smile shone the brightest.

'Even though we’re practically the same age…’

'Absurd! I look older, I even have little grand-babies as we’ve established.’

She him her throaty laugh.

‘Yes, I’m in much a better shape.’

'Always.’

'When I look at you, I still remember that colourful little kitten following the Bat around, how crazy I thought your father was but then I understood… I would want you close too, if you were my son.’

‘I am.’

'Oh darling!’

She hugged him, Dick circled her waist in his arms and inhaled her perfume, the same from when he was a kid, for a moment, time turned back.

Until they were rudely interrupted by Bruce’s throat cleaning noises that sounded exactly like Alfred’s.

'Are you trying to steal my wife, Dick?’

Dick still held her tighter before letting her go.

'You know I could, old man.’

'Go find your own wife, you brat.’

Dick smiled and dipped down to Bruce’s level, he cupped the old man’s head before kissing his forehead.

'Congratulations, dad’

Bruce let go of the grumpy pretence and smiled.

He left feeling so luck he had the chance to see this set of parents of his to get older together, and when he turned back for a last look his heart swelled as he noticed they were holding hands and then that Bruce pulled her to his lap, her laugh echoing again.

If you liked this self-indulgent thing please reblog and comment :)

#dickkory #(mentioned)#batcat #demonfire #(mention)#batfamily #my fic #this was veeeeeeeeeery self-indulgent #but that's what fanfiction is for

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