#selfhatred tw

[i-hate-yuo]

Why the absolute FUCK am I still here

[lackysack]

even god thinks i deserve eternal torture

[dreamsofanoldgod]

im thinking about Burning again

i think it would help with these feelings

a nice regulator

idk, i keep running into the same issue of “How do i hide this my skins always exposed”

its not like i smoke anymore, i cant just put cigarettes out on my palm

i’ll figure something out

im clever

i hate rapidly switching between suicidal and homicidal

i want to drive up to your house and gut myself on your bed

leave a little bomb in my chest so when you clutch me wailing youll come and meet me

fuck i want to die

fuck i want you to die too

i know its just intense feelings for right now

but i absolutely hate holding back a breakdown at work

i just want to scream and cry in my car

[j-restlessgeek]

Tw bad thoughts, self hatred

Haha, doing really bad. Mind is on a selfhatred rampage and being loud. That my parents are fighting/arguing isn’t helpful. But am I to complain. Ungrateful ass. Why am I like this? Why can’t I stay in line, why can’t I behave, why am I this bad? I don’t want anymore. It just sucks, why why?!? I just want to be normal, why do I have to be weird? Why do I keep ruining everything I get near. They were right, they were right, I should had done it years ago. Why can’t I be easy, why must I be difficult, why is it this hard, I don’t want this shit anymore. It sucks and I hate it, I hate that I can’t keep my mouth shut, nothing useful to say anyways. Why am I alive?!? I deserve everything bad that ever happened and so much worse. I hate you you stupid ass, I want you dead. Gone. It will be better for everyone. They don’t deserve the misery and hate my existence causes. Why do I cause so much pain? My existence is useless. I hate you so much. Just die already. Enough internet for today. :(.

[ptsd-and-trauma-confessions]

Hey, im doing okay and im safe. I hope you are too! I do want to get something off my chest, and this seems to be the place. Tw for (domestic) violence and some consensual kink related talk vague context: I live with a friend who's working through a lot of trauma. He's getting better at his anger management skills, but sometimes things get out of control. When things do go wrong he gets violent and i get defensive, bc i just cant fight a friend. Thats not a moral judgement on my friend, btw. I get what triggers him and i get what led him to develop different coping mechanisms from me. And i know abt the work he's putting in to find less violent ways of coping/reacting. On top of that, it isnt morally superior of me not to fight back lol. I just freeze bc of the unhealthy guilt over contributing to the conflict. Anyway confession time: i hate how good it feels. I'll be trying to de-escalate the conflict for as long as possible, but as soon as i take a hit there's this feeling of bliss giving of a warm glow in my stomach. It used to take me by surprise. I mean i've always kinky, but pain occurs within a very different context than a disagreement or misunderstanding that got out of hand. I'd get confident and malicious and start taunting, literally showing the other cheek, lowering all my defenses, asking to get hit again out of some misplaced selfhatred and the false idea that my friend would actually feel better after beating the shit out of me even more.... After talking things out and realising that maybe that wasnt helping anyone i cut that kind of taunting out. But fucking hell... after a very long period without violence we just had fight. I only took a couple of hits, but each one gave me that same feeling of bliss and i genuinely felt a little sad that the fight was so (relatively) tame. Now i keep thinking about it, and even though i hate that the fight happened, part of me just wants to focus on how good those hits felt. UUUUUGGGGHHHH im just frustrated. bodies react differently to all kinds of stimulation, its fine that mine (bc of learning experiences interacting with biological differences i guess) just so happens to like hard impacts and choking. That doesnt mean i was looking for a fight or. Pfff some consensual kink, on my terms, sounds like it would hit the spot rn. Fucking shame im too busy with exams

.

[feelingvalone]

I feel so alone, I wish I could talk with someone that knows what it's like to suffer so much every day.. anyone wants to talk to me? please

[phanfictioncatalogue]

Previous anon here, it’s not one of them fics. This one was from Phils’ pov and I remember he had an eating disorder. Thank you for the help anyway.

what about this one?

The Perfectionist (ao3) - apoetacriminal

Summary: Dan and Phil were on top of the world. With the succesful release of their book and their upcoming tour, things couldn’t be going better for the pair. But with so much attention on him, the preassure to be perfect was starting to get to Dan. And The Amazing Tour Is Not On Fire, which should’ve been the best time of their lives, almost tore them apart

- Tori

[moibaby]

I want to escape from myself.

[minnina22]

feeling like shit when not being productive has become my personality trait

[i-hate-yuo]

I’m not ok been thinking more and more of just finally leaving. I’ve been holding on all these years for what reason? I’m so fucking tired. All my friends are dying why can’t I be next.

[suiskye]

i shouldve been dead by now.

[just4ch1ld]

FORGIVE ME. FORGIVE ME. FORGIVE ME.

[duckduckngoose]

My brain: so you wanna reach out to this person yes?

Me: yes

My brain: and you guys know each other a little bit from something else yes?

Me: yes

My brain: and there is a 90% chance they don’t mind chatting with you and that you could befriend them yes?

Me: yes

My brain: so reach out to them

Me: NO—

My brain: WHY

Me: WHAT IF THEY HATE ME

My brain: THEY DONT THEY NEVER SHOWED ANYTHING THAT HINTS AT HATRED

Me: BUT WHAT IF THEY DO

My brain: WHY DO YOU KEEP DOING THIS

[princestxrm]

Loving whispers - Prinxiety

Requested by: @x.o_sophie_o.x on Instagram

Summary: Roman had been acting rather strangely this past few weeks, he would always whisper things next to Virgil in Spanish.

Roman had been acting rather strangely this past few weeks, he would always whisper things next to Virgil in Spanish, Virgil knew it was Spanish because he could recognize some of the words Roman was saying, and it's the only language Virgil knows for a fact Roman can speak, other than English of course, one of the first times he noticed Roman doing this was when they were sitting on the couch watching tv, Virgil was trying to pay attention to the movie, but he could feel Roman staring at him from the other end of the couch, he ignored it, it seemed pretty weird that Roman would stare at him as much as he was doing right now, maybe he was checking to see if Virgil was paying attention to the movie or if he was enjoying it, he didn’t know, but either way, it was making him feel uncomfortable, he was honestly getting bored, so he took his phone out to check Tumblr, and that’s when he heard Roman whisper “Virgil, eres el hombre más perfecto que he tenido la suerte de mirar”

"Virgil, you are the most perfect man I've ever had the luck to lay my eyes upon"

Virgil looked up from his phone at Roman and let out a confused “Huh?”

“Sorry, sorry,” Roman apologized softly giggling

“No, I didn’t hear you, what did you say?” Virgil asked being a hundred percent sure what he heard wasn’t English

Roman chuckled like he had told a funny joke “It doesn’t matter, Virge”

“Okay, then…” Virgil rolled his eyes and continued scrolling through Tumblr

After that first time, Roman never stopped, every time Virgil was on his phone, listening to music or doing literally anything else that required his attention, Roman would do this, especially when Virgil was listening to music, he probably thought Virgil wasn’t listening, he did enjoy listening to his music as loud as possible, but what Roman didn’t take into account is that Virgil would only listen to loud music in a place where he felt safe, that was why he was mostly in his room, he would never listen to loud music around the others in fear of one of them telling him something important and not being able to hear them, you know, those ‘dumb’ little things one does because of anxiety.

Since our flamboyant prince Roman didn’t take that into account Virgil could hear his every word, this was the only time Roman would speak as loud as he normally did, other times he would just whisper, Virgil swore he could listen to Roman say words like “amor” and “cariño”, he could recognize them thanks to Roman giving him a boring lecture about flirting in Spanish during a movie night, Virgil didn’t know if Roman was flirting with him or just using these words in a completely different context, he didn’t want to ask Roman about what he was saying so he decided to figure it out himself, he installed a translator app on his phone, this would allow him to record what Roman was saying and instantly translate it.

Virgil went down the stair to see Roman sitting on the floor next to the couch coloring a book as per usual, it was such a childish activity, but Roman didn’t care, he enjoyed coloring in his book, Virgil honestly thought it was cute to see him so concentrated on something like that, Virgil took a deep breath and threw himself on the couch

Roman looked up from his book to greet Virgil “Oh, hey, Virge!” he smiled

“Yo!” Virgil replied putting on his headphones, he didn’t turn the music on, he just scrolled through Tumblr for about 10 minutes and as soon as he heard Roman begin to talk he opened the app and started recording

Roman sighed flipping the page “Ay, mi principe,” he began “no sabes lo mucho que te adoro, solo mirate, te ves tan tierno acostado en el sillón con tus audifonos puestos escuchando música”

“Oh, my prince, you don't know how much I adore you, just look at you, you look so cute laying on the couch with your headphones on listening to music"

Virgil stared at the translation, he was confused, his prince? What was Roman talking about?

“¿Sabes? Me gustaría decirte todo lo que siento por ti, pero soy un cobarde, no soy un héroe, soy solo un niño perdido y asustado jugando a fingir ser uno…”

“You know? I would like to tell you how I feel about you, but I am a coward, I am not a hero, I’m just a lost and scared child pretending to be one… ”

Virgil didn’t know whether to let him continue or just stop him.

“Me gustaría tomarte de la mano, besarte, hacerte el hombre más feliz del mundo, pero, sé que eso jamás pasara, soy tan patético que tengo que hablar en un idioma completamente diferente para poder decirte estas cosas porque no sé como reaccionarias a que un fracasado como yo te amara ¿Que dirías?” he thought for a while “Probablemente te reirías de mí… Que patético sueno, pero, te amo, Virgil, enserio lo hago”

“I would like to hold your hand, kiss you, make you the happiest man in the world, but, I know that will never happen, I am so pathetic that I have to speak in a completely different language to be able to tell you these things because I don't know how you would react to a failure like me loving you, what would you say? You would probably laugh at me… I sound so pathetic, but, I love you, Virgil, I truly do."

“No, I wouldn’t,” Virgil said taking his headphones off

Roman flinched at Virgil’s sudden reply “What?”

Virgil sat down on the floor next to Roman “I wouldn’t laugh…”

“How did you…?” Roman couldn’t even get a sentence out, he was confused, Virgil grabbed the phone with the app on it and handed it to Roman “Oh, god, I am so stupid” he stared at the phone as if it were an obvious thing that could’ve happened “Virgil, I am so sorry, I didn’t… I honestly don’t need you to say anything, just please act like it never happened” Roman quickly grabbed his coloring book and pencils and stood up to leave

“I can’t do that…” Virgil replied

“Please, Virgil, it honestly doesn’t mean anything, I am so sorry, I shouldn’t have said any of that nor even think about it…” Roman looked like he wanted to run away, he looked like a scared puppy, Virgil sighed and shook his head “Virgil, please, just forget about it, you don’t have to even look at me anymore if you don’t want to, but just please forget about it…” he pleaded

“That’s the thing, I can’t just ‘forget about it’...” he began “truth is, Roman...” Virgil stood up to look at him, he smiled and softly continued “I love you too”

°°°

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[phantom-ghost-girl]

I guess, i dont know, maybe i wasnt made for this world, maybe if i was born in a different time in a different place, anywhere else, anyplace else, maybe just maybe i wouldnt be so broken,

i live a life full of what ifs and maybes

[xharzo]

No one cares, but I dreamed that I cut my throat, and no matter what, I still feel it on my neck, and the blood covering my chest.