#a mural to my selfhatred

[dreamsofanoldgod]

im thinking of you,,,

[dreamsofanoldgod]

youre literally active on snap right now

TALK TO ME PLEASE

[dreamsofanoldgod]

i feel like a rabid or scared stray trying to hard to not get close to you again

you get close to try to comfort snd calm me but in going to bark and growl and bite

why are you letting me

why wont you save yourself

[dreamsofanoldgod]

i think im done reaching out first

[dreamsofanoldgod]

Thoughts

i think ive been extra sensitive (in a literal and emotional way) because i havent been having sex

i was doing fine when we both were

i should get out and do that but like

no one wants me often

Bunny will on occasion but not often

and

Dog asks sometimes but ive been declining

[dreamsofanoldgod]

if you dont hear from me again im sorry

i dont know how long it will be

im so sorry

[dreamsofanoldgod]

i am weak and wish to talk

the only thing keeping me from reaching out is possibly never hearing from you again after

do you feel the same

[dreamsofanoldgod]

proud of myself

just caught myself getting obsessive snd very upset for not receiving attention,

im not entitled to that

its perfectly normal to not be receiving attention for more than 15 minutes (yes its literally that bad)

[dreamsofanoldgod]

Rah

as an example of how bad it really is cuz i do try to not let you know; yes i know youre put with yiur friend, you told me that, i saw the cat, i have no reason to not believe you, logically ofc

however

you could be out with someone else rn, you could be out doing Things or just having a date or whatever, just living yiur life

abd i want to throw up my intestines and then strangle you and whoever you may happen to be with them before hanging my self with them too

just like as an example haha,,

but yeah this is a small tame glimpse at the Constant stream of thoughts i have whenever you dont reply in a short amount of time (which is ridiculous to expect and even ask)

[dreamsofanoldgod]

“i have too many people demanding my attention”

i know thats prolly annoying, and like i feel bad for being jealous and upset

but i am

like, no one is asking for mine haha

im Giving it to you,

and now i feel like im too much

[dreamsofanoldgod]

whining pathetically wishing to feel you

wishing to hear you say sweet words to me

hope you enjoy what i can give,,

wish i could get a secret moment with you

[dreamsofanoldgod]

i know you’re watching too, i bet you still have notifs on

send me asks,, it’s ok,,,

[dreamsofanoldgod]

im not saying i dont get it and the reasons why

however

FUCK

i feel like tearing out my stomach <3

i love you,, ill miss you,, i hope for the best

[dreamsofanoldgod]

panic and tight chest and trying to not hyperventilate

[dreamsofanoldgod]

you sweet squirrelly fool

im trying very hard to not just start idk

showering you in affection and love

you kmow its here, you know how much you mean to me

im dying over here,, i want to send you the stupid little “hug, kiss” whatever

i want to tell you about wrapping you in my soft warm wings

being sweet

you knownwhat i mean,,

i want to just be crazy like eho cares if you get scared of me or if i say idk

flip out about literally nothing and corner you???

i cant do that Again. i love you too much to let that happen,,

please understabd

[dreamsofanoldgod]

of course i miss you dummy

do yiu REALLY think for even a second that i want to have space

i get physically sick if you dint reply in 5 minutes

i get unreasonably angry when yiure somewhere out in the world,

i go directly into fawning if i think ive upset you in even the slightest fashion

im so so scared that im going to accidentally hurt you because i cant control my fucking emotions

i love you so much and youre so kind snd i kmow you want to stand by ny side and help me through this, and i want nothing more than to let you

but i also know that will just make it worse,,,

i have to seperate myself from my obsession before i hurt you or myself (not supposed to sound like a threat but a concern)

your kindess snd how easiky you forgive cannot help me right now, even though i do love it about you