#a mural to my selfhatred

[dreamsofanoldgod]

i feel like a rabid or scared stray trying to hard to not get close to you again

you get close to try to comfort snd calm me but in going to bark and growl and bite

why are you letting me

why wont you save yourself

[dreamsofanoldgod]

i think im done reaching out first

[dreamsofanoldgod]

Thoughts

i think ive been extra sensitive (in a literal and emotional way) because i havent been having sex

i was doing fine when we both were

i should get out and do that but like

no one wants me often

Bunny will on occasion but not often

and

Dog asks sometimes but ive been declining

[dreamsofanoldgod]

if you dont hear from me again im sorry

i dont know how long it will be

im so sorry

[dreamsofanoldgod]

i am weak and wish to talk

the only thing keeping me from reaching out is possibly never hearing from you again after

do you feel the same

[dreamsofanoldgod]

proud of myself

just caught myself getting obsessive snd very upset for not receiving attention,

im not entitled to that

its perfectly normal to not be receiving attention for more than 15 minutes (yes its literally that bad)

[dreamsofanoldgod]

i hope you understood,

i hope i said it all right

i will always hold on to yhe hope of being Yours again l

but to be a friend first,

to nurture and grow That flower until it blossoms

thatd be more ideal,

the flower from hookups->partners was good and we learned so much about eachother

but it was also covered in thorns

[dreamsofanoldgod]

i should make another blog for all my mean and shitty (and selfharm) thoughts

thats what this one was ginna be fore but youre looking

and sometimes i iust want to get that vile stuff out

[dreamsofanoldgod]

why yes i am feeling a little crazy how could you tell? ~Muscles very clenched, jaw tight as hell, pacing, and obsessing~

[dreamsofanoldgod]

gods this was so much easier on my brain when i was trying to push you away

at least then i had to suffer in silence

why does talking to you make me feel even more insane

[dreamsofanoldgod]

we take deep breaths and realize not everything is a personal attack instead of spite posting

[dreamsofanoldgod]

what about the silent mornings makes me feel like this

it’s prolly a combination of no meds and the Everything tbh

i wonder just how much time of not taking it will take

[dreamsofanoldgod]

[dreamsofanoldgod]

love when im purposefully pushing away and distancing snd snapchat memories decides “no, take a look at this, werent you so happy 2 years ago, isnt this such a cute picture you want to remember” like thanks now i wanna kill myself again

itll pass

ive been having a couple incredibly great days

[dreamsofanoldgod]

[dreamsofanoldgod]

why is the side effect of not eating all day for multiple days in a row “haha now you CANT eat a lot” and not “”YOU HAVE TO CONSUME EVERYTHING”

like bitch my tummy hurts cuz i keep forgetting to eat, AND it hurts for eating loterally half a cheeseburger snd like 5 fries??

whatever, liquids go down real easy ill just drink soda and more