#a mural to my selfhatred

[dreamsofanoldgod]

i feel like a rabid or scared stray trying to hard to not get close to you again

you get close to try to comfort snd calm me but in going to bark and growl and bite

why are you letting me

why wont you save yourself

[dreamsofanoldgod]

i think im done reaching out first

[dreamsofanoldgod]

Thoughts

i think ive been extra sensitive (in a literal and emotional way) because i havent been having sex

i was doing fine when we both were

i should get out and do that but like

no one wants me often

Bunny will on occasion but not often

and

Dog asks sometimes but ive been declining

[dreamsofanoldgod]

if you dont hear from me again im sorry

i dont know how long it will be

im so sorry

[dreamsofanoldgod]

i am weak and wish to talk

the only thing keeping me from reaching out is possibly never hearing from you again after

do you feel the same

[dreamsofanoldgod]

proud of myself

just caught myself getting obsessive snd very upset for not receiving attention,

im not entitled to that

its perfectly normal to not be receiving attention for more than 15 minutes (yes its literally that bad)

[dreamsofanoldgod]

sometimes i wish you could comment on what i say here

othertimes i appreciate that i can never tell if you’re looking or not

[dreamsofanoldgod]

i did it to myself

but i do just feel like another person you sext when your bored now

[dreamsofanoldgod]

i know i dont say it as often as i think it

but i promise your chats would be spammed with “I love you”s

i just dont want to keep reseting the Obsession Meter

and every time we get so very close,

or Something happens

it resets

i know keeping you at arms length sucks, and i honestly hate doing it

but i cannot heal and change in the ways i need to for you if im still obsessing like i am..

[dreamsofanoldgod]

it feels like i’m sticking needles between my ribs

all in an attempt to numb my insane feelings

all so you can go out and do whatever without worrying about how ill react or if i find out

i truly do love you

[dreamsofanoldgod]

playing cyberpunk i thought of how romantic it would be to have someone else help with your cyberware (just like basic upkeep or slight tinkering)

then i remembered a comic, then the artist, then what happened

and now theres a knot in my stomach

why did that happen like, what was rhe point in my brain doing that?

[dreamsofanoldgod]

wonder what i did

[dreamsofanoldgod]

if i could rn i would shoot myself in the fucking face

[dreamsofanoldgod]

casually stupidly worrying you hate me for some reason

itll pass

[dreamsofanoldgod]

i wonder if these constant moodswings and swaths of apathy are fucking up my brain worse,

like are the symptoms slowly making the issue more unbearable?

[dreamsofanoldgod]

you took a shower and brought a toy (and prolly your vibe) to meet me not cuz of me but cuz if someone else after; way ti make a god feel special.