#see i'm not nice to people just to fuck them. i don't resent those who don't wish to fuck me. only an incel in the most clinical of terms.

[therevengeoffrankenstein]

*facebook mom voice* what has gotten into me today! not dick, that's for sure!

[homicidal-sheep]

I will defend Eurylochus to my dying breath because what the fuck yall, he is not the malicious monster people are making him out to be?? Like these characters are so morally grey its not even funny.

I love Ody with all my heart but the man did fuck up. He is human, and a plaything of the Gods, which is a very dangerous position to be in at the best of times.

I've seen people saying Eury has no moral high ground on the Scylla thing because he wanted to leave all the men at Circe's. Now firstly, I highly doubt a simple scouting mission would include all the men (see Cyclops saga, when only a fraction went). So they would be running to save what men remained, not ditching the entire army. Secondly, what exactly did you want them to do when facing Circe? They didn't know Hermes was there. All they knew was there was a magic lady who could turn people into pigs. So what, were they gonna ask really really nicely? Somehow I highly doubt that would work. Without the Gods intervention, I just don't see them winning. Eury was cutting their losses because from his POV, there was quite literally nothing they could do for the men. Best case scenario they snuck the men/pigs out and, idk, kept them as pets??

As for the wind bag, yeah it was a really dumb decision. But Ody is the one who decided not to trust his men, especially Eury. Ody has already given up on the crew, and they likely feel that distrust. Why should they put their blind faith in a man who refuses to clue them in? Why should they believe that he has whats best for them in their hearts? Ody's own guilt caused him to embrace an ideology that got a bunch of them killed. (remember when he said the only one who's lines he hasn't crossed were his own?) And we can see some of this growing resentment in Perimedes cut song. We as viewers have context the men simply do not.

Sidenote, people say Eury would have gotten them lotus'd. Yeah maybe. or maybe Ody would have recognized the fruit before they ate it, like he did with Polites. We cannot know.

The other point I keep seeing, that I find absolutely baffling is "well they deserved to die for mutinying, they should have listened to their king and captain" I'm sorry when did we all become monarchists. Kings and captains can absolutely make bad decisions? We should not blindly trust authority?? Yeah Eury kept questioning the captain. He was second in command and the voice of the crew, not only is he voicing their discontent, I'd argue that a good king should have someone who is willing to disagree with them. While Ody is right, that in the middle of a dire situation isn't great, and it would have been better to address those issues in private, they are very legitimate worries. If your captain has admitted he would burn the world to see his son and wife, I think being a little worried is absolutely fair.

The Gods keep appearing and helping Ody but they are also incredibly dangerous beings who constantly play with the lives of mortals.

On to the cow thing. Ya it was fucking dumb. But I can understand why. The man is fucking tired. They don't see a way out and at that point, starving to death slowly, so desperately afraid, probably sounded like a terrifying fate. Better to get it over with.

And he still cares! Ody is his literal brother in law. They bandaged his wounds when they could have idk, sacrificed him to Posideon or something. What Ody did to them was 100% betrayal and I understand why they mutinied, with what information they had. For petes sake he kept singing "I need to get home", I, not we.

Again, I love Ody, but good lord, the man is the definition of an unreliable narrator. Let them all be complicated, tragic characters without labeling them as cookie cutter good guys and bad guys.

[andthetapeworms]

Thoughts about Rolfe DeWolfe tonight

We often praise how real and authentic the dialogue between the characters feels yet i don't often see people talk about.. how real the characters themselves feel. Like making them "bad" people or giving them "bad" people traits, not because they're mean or evil or you're supposed to dislike them, just because these are just normal people who.. happen to just have those traits. And that's that.

As somebody with narcissistic personality disorder I've always felt like Rolfe was a near perfect depiction of narcissism- both with how his traits are written and how his character is handled overall. He has an inflated sense of self worth and a distorted self image, he thinks he's more important than he actually is, he thinks he's more adored (assuming he got a lot of fan letters), he seems to have low amounts of empathy (how he speaks to fatz and earl), thinks he's above everyone else (saying that he doesn't need earl anymore because he's become untouchable in his own eyes). If you've watched Tuv's "investigating abandoned animatronics" video, even the showtape in that video shows Billy Bob suggesting that Rolfe has an inflated sense of importance and what he's good at, and Rolfe gets extremely offended and genuinely upset.

Obviously this won't be accurate to everyone with NPD's traits, but personally they're very accurate to mine. If i had to pick a character to describe my experience with npd I'd pick Rolfe. He's like a mirror of me, I feel- he's the embodiment of all the traits i struggle with. Infact being kin with him has helped me cope with my npd- watching the show tapes is an excellent way to sort of reality check myself because they show that his narcissism annoys and inconveniences others and causes resentment, yet it does so in a respectful and gentle way.

It's not in a "hey look at this guy he's a fucking asshole and nobody likes him" way, it's a "this guy has problems that he should work on because it's bothering his loved ones.". That is, to me, in my opinion affected by my experience with this disorder, the best way to possibly depict both NPD and it's consequences.

While being a great depiction of the consequences he's also just, a cute and fun depiction of narcissism traits in general. He has a loveable personality and he's fun to watch. I adore all of the characters in the band, they all have a very unique and charming appeal to their personalities- and Rolfe's is just how fun he is to watch. His dialogue, especially with Earl, is very cute and fun.

He's narcissistic and not apologetic, it's just treated as another trait he has. It's not "he's a narcissist and his entire character is shaped around being a narcissist and therefore being a bad person" it's "he has narcissistic traits and issues but is not a bad person." He's not depicted as abusive or evil, just slightly annoying, yet he's still loved. Earl pokes fun at and insults him a lot but he got nervous when Rolfe started talking about leaving him, asking to make sure Rolfe was just joking and very happily going "Alright!" when Rolfe confirms he was. They have a playful relationship and you can tell they enjoy eachother even with Rolfe's narcissism, which combats the straight up lie that is "narcissists can't form meaningful relationships".

That just genuinely means so much to me, you know? Having a disorder caused by trauma and your own abuse that's constantly labeled as evil and abusive and then finding a character who's like you but not at all how people describe you is. It's nice. It feels nice. I'm sharing this post because i hope maybe anyone whos also a narcissist might also like to enjoy the silly wolf? Or maybe just a rolfe fan would like to hear my analysis and take-away on him :)

[thecountesstribe]

House of the Dragon 2x3 episode reaction. I have alot of thoughts, bare with me.

The episode was eh but that's mostly just because it's the calm before the proverbial shitstorm.

BAELA “I COULD SMELL BITCH FROM A MILE AWAY AND IT'S ON SIGHT” TARGARYEN, HOW I LOVE YOU!! MOONDANCER IS BEAUTIFUL! MY BRAVE GIRL DID HER THING. IKTR POOKIE!! HER SASSING RHAENYRA, 10S across the board. I know Rhaenyra is tired 😩

I'll always feel for Rhaena, she finally was able to speak although, I wanted more dialogue from her, it's fuckin owed atp HBO, but you could feel her resentment, her anger and her frustration during her scenes. I feel so bad for her cause the only people that are really looking out for her are Rhaenys and Baela. Daemon don't give af, Rhaenyra is trying to find a balance between being a mother and queen but you could see that there is a distance between her and Rhaena even though she lived with them instead of on Driftmark with Rhaenys. When Rhaena first accepted the “mission” and walked off you could tell Rhaenyra wanted to tell her something but it looks like she doesn't know how to talk to her, which is fuckin sad. So those headcanons of her probably only having her brothers to talk to and Luke by extension makes her situation even worse. The glass child fr. So she's most definitely claiming a dragon this season and honestly good on her. Although if they do write Nettles out I'm gonna be pissed. That scene with Baela and her warmed my heart though. Another thing Rhaenyra totally brushing her feelings aside and being like my sons, my sons, my sons is totally not helping her character either. I'm honestly mad they fumbled the majority of the team black relationship dynamics. Rhaena going to ward is literally foreshadowing her future in the dance so I'm not mad at her, she did become everything Rhaenyra wanted her to be, was literally the last of the Targaryen's future and history before Dany came along. I know one thing though they better give her Morning idgaf what they gotta do. That is one important part of the plot I won't forgive if they rewrite it.

Honestly I don't give a damn who gets pissed but fuck Corlys. I said what I said and I'm not taking it back. I don't ever want to hear another “Rhaenyra and her bastard boys usurped Rhaena and Baela”, Corlys is just as misogynistic as the rest of the men in the realm. In the books the succession of the Driftmark throne was up in the air but they rewrited it in the show and yes Baela and Rhaena didn't have a claim to it cause Laenor was Corlys firstborn in the show and he did legitimize his boys but he had an opportunity to make Rhaena Lady of the Tides, she would've been either way had she married Luke as intended but he didn't and you wanna know why? Take a guess, exactly. It goes without saying. I understand him not naming Joff, he's heir to the throne in case anything happens to Jace but he could've named Rhaena and he didn't. So fuck him. Also foreshadowing for the end of the dance.

I wish y'all could've heard the long drawn out exhale that I let out knowing we gotta be see Larys Clubfoot ( the old man was so real for that name 🤣🤣😭😭🤣) more on my television screen. So Crispin, Clubfoot and Gwayne and Aegon, I can't win. Battle of the incels and they're failing upward while we lose 💔. I'm sick. The only thing I like about Gwayne is him irritating crybaby Cole and immediately clocking that there's something going on with him and Alicent. He's messy, I could appreciate that.

Young Rhaenyra was a nice little surprise even though the context for the scene was dark. Daemon getting his death notice in Harrenhal (also foreshadowing) and his dream sequence was peak if you ask me.

I need Rhaenys to never ever in her life speak on Luke's name again. I understand what she was trying to say but even having the audacity to insinuate that it's Luke's fault the war even started cause he took Aemond's eye (he was literally trying to protect his brother and her granddaughters) and that Otto and Weak King Vizzy T council wasn't planning to usurp and kill Rhaenyra from the start is blasphemy to the highest degree. Her clocking Rhaenyra's council was good though. The men in this show are just so ughhhhh. Why did they give Rhaena and Rhaenys an off screen goodbye when she was one of the most important people in her life and especially since she's gonna y'know...

Helaena telling Alicent she forgives her is so gonna hurt when we remember in future episodes. This is gonna greatly contribute to Alicent's suffering especially when Helaena goes off the deep end. She's going to realize she had a hand in destroying one of the purest and greatest things in her life and we the viewers are gonna be hurt.

Didn't expect to get a full blown view of Aemond hanging out but okay I guess. There he goes again not addressing his problems (his bum ass older brother, his nuisance, his bane of his existence) and going to take it out in somebody else though 🥱.

Sept Rhaenyra had the same energy as Arryk pretending to be Erryk and you can't convince me otherwise. I know they were gonna do a reunion between the two but Rhae still trying to be a pacifist and not knocking Alicent's head about even a little bit was stupid to me. She literally tormented her and her children for years! What more was there to say? Get in the field Rhaenyra!! Do you guys really think Alicent didn't know Viserys wasn't talking about her son Aegon? Let's all bffr for a second. She knew and they wanna chalk up the entire dance to it being a mistake is rather irritating. Alicent being prideful and can't admit to her wrongdoings even after the fact that Rhaenyra told her the prophecy is not in the least bit surprising. It just cheapens the outlook on the whole “Dance of the dragons” honestly.

I hate the fact that the writers spun the show into an Alicent vs Rhaenyra situation when the whole gist of season 1 and the books was Rhaenyra vs Misogyny. Women not being allowed to rule because they're women y'know.

In terms of screen writing HOTD IS WEAK and I'm blaming the writers for not reading the source material before putting pen to paper. Don't get me wrong I'm not saying they can't rewrite certain stuff, it's a given with the limited amount of episodes per season, sometimes you do need new plots to shock the viewers and you can't really get into everything but at certain points it's downright ridiculous. Spinning the conflict into a misunderstanding is stupid and I stand by that.

[pearl484-blog]

I've been reading a bunch of advice on writing accommodations for disabilities (Replay has a disabled character with mobility issues which I am not as familiar as I'd like with) and I have a question/complaint.

Where are the descriptions of the accommodations that are half-assing it or don't work all the time?

For reference, I have autism. One of the things that I need is a quiet area when I'm becoming over-stimulated.

Usually, I use bathrooms. They're almost always available, always seperate from social areas, often have small areas where you can put boundaries between yourself and others, and usually quiet. Take me somewhere and the first thing on my agenda is "where's the bathroom?"

However, at my psychiatric work facility, we have special quiet rooms where you can relax and chill out in the quiet away from people. These quiet rooms have a lot of variety, and I can tell from a 2 minute inspection which ones are terrible and which ones are ones I'd like.

Like yeah, the quiet room is nice, but the walls echo every sound, the floor is waaay too hard and unforgiving, and it always smells like bleach. That's not a good quiet room.

They are all technically accommodations though, and part of me wants to know what would make someone with other disabilities go: "I can see whst you're doing. I can see that you're TRYING to help, and that's....sweet, but in all actuality, your accommodation sucks."

Yet at the same time, I see all these posts about good accommodations and how they'd benefit tons of people and that feels me with joy so I feel like crap wanting to be like: "yeah, being accommodated is great, but what's one way people accommodate you that just irks you?" Because I can see the strength and hope that arises from these posts. I can feel that in myself.

Yet I can't help but crave not just stories or descriptions of good accommodations, but stories where people are trying, earnestly trying to be good and help. They put braille on things. They have elevators you can always get to. They allow written OR spoken communication, but they fuck up.

The braille never cleaned and somehow always sticky or covered in...stuff. You don't wanna know, and you'd rather just clean it up than find out. The elevators janky and always stops either RIGHT above or RIGHT below the floor it's stopping on, so you either have to drop down or fight to bounce over that edge EVERY SINGLE TIME. And yes, written is accepted, but while you're writing, the conversation always keeps going so you're forever either behind or forced to confine yourself to gestures and short sentences.

Yes, it's accomodated, but it's not a great accommodation. So, does the character suck it up and deal with it, or complain about the little things that suck but they can live with? Do they try to fix the accommodations? Is there a point where those tiny stressers make them snap?

Are they resentful of these accommodations because they're not what they're used to? Are they grateful because its better than what they had? Do others notice the issues with the accommodations? Who are they and why?

What happens when an accomodation fails? How does the character react? How do the people around him react? Is the failure clearly visible to those uneducated in this accommodation? If it's not, do they assume the character is making it up? If so, why?

[kerryweaverlesbian]

I love your Daphne Allen posts; all of your posts talking about characters struggling with gender and sexual identity are so well written and thought out, especially genderqueer!Dean. Do you have any other thoughts on Daphne, no matter how small? I love hearing about your ideas ♥️

[Anon is referring to this fic and this poem]

:") everyone is nice to meeeee, thank you ❤️ I'm going to call Daphne he throughout this so don't get confused. I don't have bonus headcanons about him at the moment, I usually construct those for minor characters as I'm making a fic about them, but I'll talk broadly about my thoughts about him under the cut (it got long LOL).

I think Daphne gets to me in particular with gender, because:

a) Meet My Girlfriend by Transgenderism was the first time it really clicked in my head that you can just. Choose. To change your pronouns. If it makes you happy. And you can still be a lesbian. So he's linked in my mind with that revelation.

b) pulling some man out of a river and marrying him on the spot is PEAK compulsory (cis)heterosexuality. Like. Ah yes :) God has sent me a man to solve my problem and he doesn't know what Being A Man is so he's Safe plus 'this is normal heterosexual behaviour I'm pretty sure [it absolutely is not]'.

(Reading Adorned With Smoke For Clothes by lesbiansailor, where Daphne prays for salvation [from being a lesbian] and there stumbles upon "Emmanuel" and is like 'oh okay' really sank into my brain, that's definitely what happened.)

c) I've always loved 'teaching someone how to be human' but the sweet, sweet juice of "teaching someone how to be A Man when you are insecure and unhappy about your own gender role"? YUM YUM YUM. The act of finding yourself through the other!! That's how. To get a little introspective lol. That's how I tend to work through figuring stuff out about myself. There is someone in my life and I think to myself "ah they might be _. This explains me thinking about it so much." And then like 3-5 months later I'm like wait. I think I am _. Lol. So I can project that projection onto Daphne, but with bonus resentment because I love resentment it's so fun to write.

d) obviously him being partnered with Castiel, who I view as a secure trans man (he "became a father", he went from agender to man, he literally changed from a female vessel to a male one, many people in fandom have said this. He literally invented free will to choose to be a trans gay man ❤️*). Having someone SO sure that he's a man even when he lost ALL his memories and didn't even know how to use a toothbrush at first AND when he's doing manhood "wrong" and sensitively and queerly, to a transmasc Daphne that's got to feel like "he doesn't even care about what it means to be a man so I have to care about it for both of us and I still don't get to be one!!! I don't want to think about it!!!!"

e) the way prescriptive religion ties in with him, doubting his gender role means doubting God which means potentially upending his entire community and being so fucking lonely. We only see Daphne for like. 1 minute of screentime lmao so it is for the best that they didn't pile on more side characters but it gives the impression that he doesn't have any friends**, which makes me think about how Marge Simpson doesn't have any friends (highly recommend the Lola Sebastian video about Marge) which makes me think about (my) fear of becoming a housewife with no friends.

So, I think Daphne is afraid of being himself with the (justified!) fear of losing his present community, but in trying to avoid that, he can't get truly close to people and thus causes that lonliness anyway. A vicious cycle...

f) Daphne is a character firmly discarded by Supernatural - which is fine, I don't want every 3 second character to keep coming back or we'd have 100 Cole's and I couldn't stand 1 Cole - but finding love for minor characters in spn has become a particular fascination of mine ❤️ mostly due to the sapphicnatural community 🧡 With the meta context that minor characters are not only disregarded by the characters amd writers but disregarded by GOD, for a character like Daphne who throws himself so firmly into faith that he marries a man whom - I cannot stress enough - he found in a river, that dramatic irony is so delicious. He's putting his life in service of a guy who, if asked, might not even remember his name. JUICY.

And e and f together beg the question, if it doesn't make him less lonely and if God [who is also a misogynist just btw] doesn't care what he does. Why is he putting himself through the agony of the closest. If his life is so flimsy that he can marry a stranger like it's nothing, why can't he pursue a life that makes him HAPPY?

g) Johanna Marlowe's performance of Daphne....she [the actor] just looks so strangely afraid? Daphne had just been attacked, but even when he's safe and looking up at Emmanuel, there's something fearful there I think:

Like maybe that's just how her face looks, but there's also the way she decided to touch him glancingly, hesitant and fleeting. Look at her physicality choices in her one scene. If I were just attacked by a demon and my spouse came and untied me, I would probably, like, hug them and find reassurance in them? But Marlowe says no. I will touch his face as quickly as possible and then let him drag me around. They're not even holding hands!! He grabs her wrist and she makes a fist! I never noticed that before that's crazy. Anyway this may have been directorial just to get through the scene quickly, there's a lot to get through in the episode, but regardless of the practical reasons behind her performance, it is Text and it is Strange!

And finally. I realised I do actually have a small headcanon. I think Daphne's transmasc new name is one of three:

Emmanuel (he chose the name, he should get to keep it!); Samson (biblical, raised according to the instructions of angels, had his dark night of the soul from his beloved cutting his hair [PS I think Daphne grows out his hair through transition]); or he keeps Daphne. He can still be Daphne if he wants. You can do whatever you want forever!

I also think he keeps his faith in God. His logic is that he asked for salvation -> Emmanuel appeared -> Emmanuel's questioning of his life brought him to true understanding of himself, and this must be holy.

*(I actually think Cas can also be attracted to women personally but this post isn't about him)

** also the fact that no one talked him out of marrying Emmanuel lmao

***Also from the Wikipedia recounting of the bible version he might be really into bondage??? Get it Samson!!

[epickiya722]

6 and 12 for the ask game

6. Which ship fans are the most annoying?

I just knew this question was coming and I'm glad it was asked because I'm gonna be real with you folks. (This one is about to get long!)

Any kind of ship has those fans that annoy the hell out of me, even the ships I ship.

It's what they do, forget the ship.

Example, people who comment and/or reblog a ship post to comment "cute, but don't ship". Not necessary, no one asked. If you don't ship it, why are you here? It obviously wasn't for you.

Another example, making a ship post about another ship totally unrelated. I hate it when people do that. If I write a Nobamaki post and it's just about Nobamaki, don't bring your ass to the post to mention YutaMaki, ItaKugi, hell, NobaMai... I don't care what ship it is. If the post is about NobaMaki, keep it about NobaMaki. Otherwise, skedaddle.

-phobic shippers. Not just homophobic, I mean any kind of phobic. Here's another scenario. If I say that I headcanon Miruko as bisexual and Burnin as a lesbian and they're my ship, I don't care to see "Miruko can't date Burnin if she's bi, she can only be lesbian herself"! Shush, quiet, turn to the exit and go through it and don't return.

Shippers who insist characters of the same sex are like "siblings", even though the context would be so weird to say so. Like... "siblings" doesn't have to be the default. "Friends" exists. It's not a made up word.

Also, if you insist that that these same sex characters have to be "like siblings", then how come for your M/F ship they can't just be friends? Why do you insist they have to be romantic? Even if in canon, the female character genuinely hates the male character or rather not date someone like them?

Oh! One more and I'm done. Shippers who are anti of a ship and yet use the same content that ship they hate and says "they're just friends, they're like siblings" and use it romantically for their own ship.

Like, I shouldn't see someone take a scene of a ship and go "see, they're only friends" and then edit that same scene with their ship and go "relationship goals". No... no...

Okay, I'm done, I'm done.

12. The unpopular character that you actually like and why more people should like them.

Ooh, for JJK, Miwa. Actually, the Kyoto students in general just get too much slander for me. I actually like the Kyoto students, I don't really see them as annoying or even worth hate like that, such as Miwa who really is just a nice girl who wants to do good as a sorcerer to take care of her younger brothers.

Like, yeah they didn't fare well against Kenjaku and them in Shibuya, but did we forget who the fuck those people are?!

Kenjaku and Uraume are over 1000 years old and probably seen every kind of technique there is! Did we not just see how Kenjaku was moving against CHOSO?! Did we not just see Kenjaku dodge Mahito with their eyes closed and their back to him?!

And Uraume? They're practically besties with the damn King of Curses! Ain't no way Uraume is a weak fighter!

The Kyoto students were matched up unfairly in Shibuya! Hell, not even in Shibuya! Think about last season! Look who they had go against! The Tokyo students are some menaces, okay? You have Toge who was already ranked high in his first year and the one the Kyoto students were cautious of. Maki who is a weapons expert and caught a damn bullet. She is related to and like Toji, who the Zenin clan resented and feared. Then Toji's son who really only gets his ass beat because he holds himself back. Megumi got the Ten Shadows, a technique strong enough to take down a Gojo, and it's not like he can't handle a weapon or throw hands either. Panda, who is not even just a damn Panda. That is a Cursed Corpse with three animal cores and capable of hand to hand combat. You got a Nobara on the team who isn't afraid to get dirty and ruthless in a fight and has a technique that can she doesn't even need to touch you to damage you. And Yuji Itadori. There is a reason he is named "Mr. Left Right Good Night". Kid doesn't rely on Sukuna, just his fists and kicks and was able to stand up after Todo stomped on his head and Todo remarks how he is physically stronger than him.

Also, look at their principal! Gakuganji is a traditional guy who is a member of the Higher-Ups. You cannot tell me that he runs his school in ways only he sees fit instead of adapting to how curses and even curse users are evolving.

So it's not that the Kyoto students are weak. When you really think about it, they're not allowed room to grow. Todo is an outlier in this because his mentor is Yuki Tsukumo.

Okay, that got long, I am so sorry.

Choose Violence Ask Game

[firendgold]

Dumbledore for the unhinged character bingo?

but of course!

whew boy, no bingos but this was a lot.

guess we'll go left to right row by row?

Daddy Issues: um, yeah. It might be glossed over in canon and fanon, but it seems pretty clear that Albus has at least some. Percival Dumbledore was taken from him early, after a moment where he lost control and inflicted violence on those who were both crueler and weaker than him, all in the name of protecting his family. That probably left very deep impressions on the young Albus' psyche: both I can't let myself be locked away like he was, my family needs me and doing the right thing means suffering.

Adult!Albus takes many risks and makes many choices that lead to unhappiness twined with safety, and I think it all comes back to his parents and his home life. We also don't ever see him with a mentor: we know he "worked with" Nicolas Flamel but we don't have a clear idea of how close they were, how long they worked together or anything like that. Like many men in the HP series, he's probably another one who searches in vain for a father figure to replace his original one.

*Incoherent sobbing*: me every day since I finished Half-Blood Prince as a kid, honestly. I'm still not over it. Deathly Hallows was the second of the one-two punches. And then more Dumbledore and Dumbledore family meta is coming out all the time, digging into just how lonely Albus must have been for years and years. Think about how the people he let himself love toward the end of his life all either died or nearly died. Think about how major themes of Albus' life story are trust and love and betrayal. You'll start crying too.

Angst Angst ANGST: So, Albus never gets to be a child past the age of about ten. His parents' combined choices mean that he has to spend all his school years lying to most of his acquaintances about the most intimate parts of his home life and his sister. He also learns a lot of direct and indirect fucked up lessons that stick with him until he's at least seventeen. His brother resents him. His father dies in jail with people cursing his name. His mother is killed by his sister as he graduates school. Then, at seventeen-almost-eighteen, Albus falls in love!... with a budding fascist and future genocidal murderer. They plot to Take Over the World, but in a nice way maybe?

And then The Big Fight happens, Ariana dies too, Aberforth becomes estranged from him, Grindelwald leaves and his whole worldview gets upended. Rather than take some time to go to therapy, Albus spends the rest of his life overachieving to make up for what he did, never allowing himself the weakness of personal attachments... that is, until he finds himself having budding fatherly feelings for Harry. But since he didn't do any of that therapy stuff, he fucks up at a critical moment and chooses his long-dead family over said potential-son by putting on an old ugly ring, and then he dies to try and save the wizarding world with a convoluted plan that worked by miracle's light. The end.

God fucking damn it let them be happy: This is directed more at the fandom than it is at That Woman. Can y'all please write something nice about Albus and Harry for once instead of the same mustache-twirling manipulative fascist-fucking greater good garbage? I'm so sick of it lol.

I want to cradle them gently in my arms: I mean... Albus would not let me. He's almost allergic to intimacy. But if he would...

Go to FUCKING therapy: ...self-explanatory in my other answers. I am firm in my belief that if Albus had just gone to fucking therapy he would be alive today, searching google for funny Muggle cat videos and sending them to his hot old French boyfriend. And he and Harry would meet up for tea and biscuits every week because they would have long since sorted out all their issues and moved on to just loving each other. *sniff*

WHY Are They Like This: tru. I mean... I have a general idea of Why Albus Is The Way He Is, but it doesn't mean I don't still ask this question often. The fact that we got a whole movie called The Secrets of Dumbledore but we didn't learn any of Albus' important fucking secrets kind of supports my unhinged obsessed researching though.

I'm SO normal about them: ...*nervous laughter*

I would take a bullet for them: ...or, you know, I would if he wasn't dead already. But if we're talking about all the incorrect and unnecessary shots he takes from the fandom, then absolutely this applies.

LEAVE. THEM. ALONE!: seriously, fandom, holy shit. Don't y'all want to attack some people who have slid past morally gray territory and into "actual irredeemable monster" territory once in a while? You know, like some of those green-robed fellows you lust after?

Mommy Issues: oh, broooo. if Albus has daddy issues then he for sure has mommy issues too. Kendra Dumbledore shaped the majority of his life by virtue of being the only parent around in his formative years. All the things she taught him keep cropping up in his mannerisms and decisions even a hundred years later. Secrets, misdirection, hiding people and things and ideas away... draw a line back to his mum and you've solved half the puzzle.

Hey do you want to hear a ten hour speech about this character: because I don't like going outside, it would be more of a "five hour tumblr post" that's a billion paragraphs, but yeah. I can almost always find something new to talk about with Albus. ^^

And that's everything! Thanks and sorry it took me so long!

[asaxophony]

So finished the Final Shape campaign, or idk? act 1 or whatever. putting my thoughts on it below a read more to avoid spoilers. So spoliers ahead you've been warned.

I am of course going to mention the $100 dlc. I'm going to do this everytime. I'm never going to shut up about how much I hate the seasonal activities/fomo shit, it's why I stopped playing in between lightfall/final shape. I could write an entire fucking dissertation on it. I don't like it, I think it's a poor way to write a developing story. Not that I don't understand the content drip model and the reasoning behind it, I dislike it and I don't think they always do it well. I don't like when games become a chore. I shouldn't end up resent playing to stay up with the fomo. That's all for another post. Just know, I disliked Lightfall. I wrote an entire thing on Lightfall as well, where I went over similar points, I'm not going to rehash them. You can find it here: [link]

The servers never work the 1st day, surprising absolutely no one. it's not worth complaining about. Moving on.

Section i. MECHANICS + PUZZLES + BOSSES

These made and broke the campaign for me so. The 1st thing I'm going to talk about is mechanics.

First lets talk about the...sort of puzzle mechanics? If you count being able to identify shapes a puzzle. The dials were a fun, novel experience, maybe a bit tedious but they only show up once for some reason? And then oh look! We get to find and shoot shapes and then we got to kill enemies to find shapes and run through them. Weird it's almost like I've done this 5 billion times before in the last two raids. Now don't get me wrong, Vow is my favourite raid and I was very excited to see more symbols. But I was hoping we would do a little bit more than kill enemies to find symbol than run through it, especially bc vow had more interesting mechanics involved with the symbols. I also kind of lost interest when I realized it was only 4 new symbols and that we'd only be killing enemies and running through things. Over. And over. And over again. But whatever I like identifying shapes and giving them funny names.

And we got our acorns and balls of light back from Root. Maybe because I've done Root so many fucking times grinding nez for his exotic and I had so many abysmal runs getting people through it for the first time. But I really hate those orbs and acorns. Maybe it's because I'm always the runner? Suffice to say, seeing those acorns and balls triggers a deep seated dread into my entire being. I see them and I just know whatever is about to happen is going to be annoying. And I was not wrong. The mote sections were passable, it was a fun mechanic in Prophecy I won't really complain about them. I liked the aegis turning some to light and others to dark. But oh dear god, the rest of the mechanics with the acorns were horrific. That poison debuff? Evil. But whatever shooting acorns to get a buff to avoid a debuff and or an attack that will kill me. Familiar.

I personally would've preferred some newer mechanics. Not like I don't understand the thematic callback or anything but it just would've been nice. Perhaps more dials? If you've never done the raids and these were new and exciting mechanics to you, I do envy your ability to look at balls and acorns with awe and excitement instead of going oh these fucking things again? But if you liked looking at symbols, killing enemies to look at symbols and looking for symbols and running through them, Vow is right there. And you get to memorize 21 more of them! And give them funny names! Who doesn't want to play with people who's ability to use words to describe visuals is somehow worse than your average elementary student's! And if for whatever insane reason you liked running to acorns and shooting them to not wipe and die, Root is also there but you will have a worse time. Anyway go do Vow. Go lfg it right now.

AAAAnnnd onto the bosses where all of these fun mechanics combine into their own special kind of hell if you're playing the legendary campaign and a little bit less hell if you're playing normal.

When you're designing a boss encounter, there's some criteria involving the context in which the boss is functioning. In what type of content is the boss fight? Casual, campaign, end-game skill level, a raid? A strike? A dungeon? No one wants a bullet sponge but It's acceptable for a raid boss to be one. It's the raid boss. It's an end game bad guy. There's 6 of you. But if you're in a strike? Where people don't normally coordinate OR communicate? Things can't be that hard. Dungeons, a little bit more high tier. The campaign though? Something that needs to be able to completed on solo, having encounters taking the length of a raid boss gets tedious and boring very fast.

Bungie designs their boss encounters in 3 ways:

The Open Health Bar. You never have to stop shooting the boss, it's always damageable. This leads to power creep causing your strike team of 3 to insta one shot strike bosses such as the servitor from the prison of elders.

The Damage Gate. Everyone's favorite. Once this boss reaches a certain damage threshold, it becomes immune or leaves the arena. A mechanic or add phase must be completed before it returns. Commonly seen on strike boss. Occasionally a damage gated boss can be pushed past the damage gate if enough concentrated dps is given out, this usually bugs out the boss bc you're reaching multiple thresholds at once and causing multiple mechanic phases to trigger. A great example is the hobgoblin boss in the former prymidion strike, who would be in its immune phase but also in it's final phase at the same time where it teleports around and kills you. This is of course more from power creep, and could be avoided by adjusting light level entering an activity etc.

Timed DPS. A mechanic must be completed to get a specific limited time period to dps. This leads to highly concentrated and coordinated dps. Every raid boss ever. High dps is rewarded by having no damage gates ie. single phasing/two phasing a raid boss. Damage gates may be present due to final stands or implemented by players using specific strategies.

This campaign consisted purely of damage gated bosses for the most part. Some of them, once you had the initial shield/immune off were free game but I can only think of one encounter where that happened. Which....is also bad. For me, all of the bosses just blur completely together. The ones that stand out? Zavala's cabin and the final Witness fight. There's...the ogre. The knight who I only remember because he was the one boss who wasn't damage gated, The fanatic. Was there another ogre? That's like all I can remember, which considering I was stuck on some of them for like an hour or so is uhh hm. I guess also the tormentors but they don't really have mechanics that aren't "run in a circle and take pot shots". So all the bosses (besides the tormentors) share this, I am immune you must kill something, perform some mechanic to unshield me where then you can damage me, but also I am damage gated so you will always have to do it more than once.

Each damage gate may have different mechanics but all of them involved killing something to get the aegis to drop. Where you'd do the same thing (shoot the barrier). Sometimes the adds you had to kill to get the thing to drop to break the bosses shield were also immune and you had to break THEIR shield. How fun interesting and varied. Occasionally you had to kill things to get symbols to look at to get the shield to drop instead of just killing subjugators. At least I can say the bosses where you had to teleport to go somewhere were like slightly more interesting encounters? I felt like I was doing busy work in there.

Honestly the best I can chalk it up to was. It felt bit like I was doing seasonal content. Go do a mission, fight a boss that uses the mechanics just little bit different, come back to camp talk to everyone to get the next step, go back out there to kill another boss that has the same mechanics.

So I found most of the the boss encounters fairly lack luster. I never really had a "Wow" moment (even on the final encounter. Oh look subjugators again!). I think not developing unique bosses added to this. They were all reskins or things I've killed 5 thousand times before. Like we did get new enemies not like a lot of them but they were there. Why wasn't one of the bosses like a giant grim or something. Or one of those horrible hive knife creatures. Why not reskin the doggies into something knew and make a giant one one of the bosses? I don't know. Like especially after Savuthan's bossfight. I mean that shit was intense.

While playing Legendary I also encountered a few run ending bugs, such as the tormentors somehow grabbing you without touching you and leaving you suppressed and stuck only able to spin in a circle while several feet away from it. Which was such a fun way to eat a rez token. Also the dying light counters being extremely fucked up. We'd have the counters start at like 3 seconds for no discernible reason, leading to a wipe when there were still rez tokens.

The Final Encounter (I never want to see an acorn again)

It wasn't great. It sucked on normal. It sucked worse on legendary. Also the witness kept bugging out and getting stuck in the center. I've never had to google how to solve a campaign boss fight in destiny but I had to here! When you pick up the aegis and your ghost shouts, use the light! It never occurred to me there'd be light elsewhere in the arena. This is because in prior usage of the aegis voice lines suggested using it's light to do things and such which made me connect the light to the aegis (the aegis is light, use the light) and also no other boss fight or any other encounter in the campaign had us charge our light with the light fissures. Yeah we communed with it once to get a super but again once and it was to communicate with the traveler and I suppose there's prior story stuff that involved standing in wells of light but that's vaulted now so hey it doesn't count. We also never used it in context of the aegis. I realized after I did it correctly that a waypoint pops up, but it literally only popped up for me once. This could've like very easily been avoided by including like the ghost mentioning light fissures or light pooling up. Or seeing light fissures in that spot as you walk into the arena. But whatever! Sure introduce a new mechanic with a three word voice cue and nothing else. And I know what you're thinking, you didn't look around the arena when you had the aegis? No! I didn't think I had to! I also never realized how bad the field of view is on Destiny until I was playing games with adjustable fields of view. You are so fucking zoomed in. There was no way I was seeing it unless I was actively walking, looking or running around, which I didn't think I needed to do because it was a raid wide. I was mostly looking at the Witness thinking I had to time the shield at the correct cast time. Anyway the final encounter was hellish I never want to back in there again thanks for coming to my TEDtalk.

Section ii. PRISMATIC

Perhaps I'd like it more if I didn't need it to make enemies not immune. Who knows. I think I honest to god would've preferred just an actual new super.

Overall, felt underwhelming to me. I liked the mixing and matching but it was fairly restricted considering you need to find aspects etc in the campaign, some are just locked by default so you can only mix and match so much. Some really good synergy with other builds. I can say for hunter the healing options were fairly limited, if I didn't feel like I needed to keep it on for the prismatic enemies I would've kept my golden gun build or used my void survival one. New blade dancer is....javelin throw the second? I would've preferred a roaming version, or well I mean you can fire it off more than once I guess so its sort of roaming. Who am I kidding, I just want the old one back, do you have any idea how gross I was in crucible with that thing? We'll see how it does with exotics. Will probably good in pvp at least.

Section iii. DESIGNS + VISUALS

Bungie is once again good at designing things, yay! Even if a lot of it is reused assets.

And I know everyone's like yaaaay new area! And the new area is very nice and pretty and has some really interesting unique designs and forms, I would've liked to see....less reused assets? The whole reflection of the outside thing is. It's fine. And I mean knew it was coming from all of the developer sneak peeks and what not. It just would've been nice to have some more alien-esque areas that were perhaps more weird and traveler-esque like the Root of Nightmare plants and such. I really liked the plant life aspects and a lot of the Witness/Pyramid ship areas were killer, I LOVED the ahamkara strike. I just think they should've gone weirder AND creepier.

As usual cohesive visual designs. Would've actually preferred less pre-rendered cutscenes. A lot of them were very jarring and took me out of the game quite a bit. It was pretty frustrating to see our guardian come upon scenes, people, characters etc and then have them just missing in the cutscene? It never really felt like anything was happening to our guardian some of times. Also what the FUCK is the point of having killer fashion when my guardian doesn't show up in any cutscenes so I can take screenshots of them!!??? >:(

I already talked about enemy designs. Could've been more of them. Meh. I do like horrible blade hive creatures. Extremely creepy.

Section iiii. STORY

Overall good, much better than lightfall.

Not a lot to complain about besides Cayde obvi. But meh he has some stupid annoying one liners, the unnecessary comment about Eris that I guess Bungie was like well he needs to make at least one mean comment about Eris or else he's not Cayde despite idk the only reason we're in the Final Shape moment is from things Eris has done in the seasonal stories. I will coincide he has some good story moments that don't make me hate him (as much). Zavala has a fantastic story arch. Targe was great. Loved the infighting between the vanguard. Crow is as usual a hit or miss for me. He never really bothers me. I don't always like his one-liners with Cayde. LOVED LOVED the big titty statues finally becoming relevant. Loved that entire thing. race of big titty aliens apparently. I think it would've been a little bit more impactful if in the final encounter they let the guardian just go ham smashing those statues. Loved the Micah introduction. The hunters are winning in this expansion. Yeah not really a lot for me to super talk about here, they definitely had a strong story, I am excited to see where it goes. Loved the unique hunter based lines you got from Crow and Cayde. In tears over our ghost. I will say I did miss having Eris' and the Drifters inputs on things. I also am again not fond of the lack of guardian in the cutscenes it just again took me out of story, I feel a little bit of a struggle to feel apart of the story.

So act 1 thoughts complete, there's probably more gameplay wise I'll touch on especially in relation to prismatic. We'll see how it goes from there. Excited to do the raid.

Think before you leave an annoying overly aggressive or passive aggressive rant in response. Thanks <3

[chaoticrobotics]

Please don't rush your comics take it slow and steady I know many people are eager to see more from your comics but please don't forget your human you need to take breaks from time to time art burnout isn't a joke I myself was once a artist and i quit that because it didn't bring me much joy anymore because of excessive burnout so please from one artist to another Take a breather maybe plan what your gonna do for the story going forward maybe take some inspiration from the game or something though whatever the outcome I will honor it.

Oh don't worry about the story itself. I have it all planned out and am absolutely not changing it (other than possible dialogue changes, I have the major plot points all set though). So that's not the issue.

It was the actual art itself. You are right, art burnout isn't a joke, and honestly I'm pretty sure I've never been closer to quitting art than when I was making Security Alert. The only difference with me is, art is one of the very few things that bring me any sense of joy. It's literally either a select few video games, or making art/stories, and at the time of making Security Alert I was in a video game burnout too and struggling through college.

All of that built up to make me miserable to draw and probably super depressed looking back at it (though I wouldn't hit a true low until my last semester, if I was still trying to do the comic then I don't think I would have made it).

Anyway, thank you for your words. I do appreciate them! I am going to take my time with this comic. Maybe even try out a different format or something. Smaller parts or less detail in the art. I just want to get the story out, and since I am not a writer, I have to draw it. But I'll definitely be taking my time when drawing it.

I'll be honest, I don't know how many people might have realized it, but I am a serial procrastinator that needs deadlines to get shit done, and I get stuff done all in one go or not at all. So all those big parts I posted? Those were all done in basically one sitting. Some of them were done in 3 days with me getting a total of like 3-4 hours of sleep on the weekend, not even counting the editing I did for videos. So you can probably see why I started to resent the comic and start to burn out from it.

I'm literally just rambling now, but I wanted people to know a little bit about what I went through since I know not everyone will be as understanding as you or other people who have sent in kind words to me in the past. I've learned my lesson then, and since I am not in college anymore, I won't feel rushed to get things out before the weekend is done or be rushing myself to make people happy.

It honestly all really sucks because I was always so happy to post the comic/tiktok and pass out finally, then to wake up to a flood of nice messages. But it would all too soon go away because only a day (sometimes not even) after posting people would be demanding the next part. It just sucks since I did have fun a lot, but also had that fun drained away just as quickly.

I don't even know what I am trying to say anymore. Thank you for the nice words. I will keep to my word about not rushing myself or pushing myself too much. I do feel like I am, at some point, going to try doing what I did before and pull all nighters and fuck up my sleep schedule drastically, but I'm hoping I will recognize the signs this time and take a step back once I possibly start doing that.

So don't be upset (saying this to the general audience/whoever reading this, not specifically you) if at some point in the future, if the comic does continue, that there might be another hiatus. Will definitely try not to go on a basically year long hiatus like I did last time, but depending on how my mental state is, it might be a pretty long one.

[saturnskyline]

“pro: he gets to work in his area of expertise! con: he isn't fully removed from the "vegas from the minor family" label that he clearly resents. hmm. many jumbled thoughts on this”

oh, oh wow, i just realized one thing, when vegas was his father’s second, he was never good enough, his father kept reminding him that. he celebrated minor victories with his men but those were not his father’s tasks. but imagine vegas working with porsche (hi, how are you, kinn?) and it’s nothing like that??? porsche genuinely appreciates vegas’s help, listens to his advice and says things like “thanks, that was amazing, vegas”, because porsche might have all the 100k essay feelings about vegas (and vegaspete????) but he isn’t stupid and knows that having vegas on his side is better than not. and porsche doesn’t mind saying thank you when he is thankful, he is genuine about that kind of stuff. so he just casually praises vegas here and there? like vegas is not actually a failure and good for nothing and disappointment??? and we already know they have amazing chemistry during combat so i want more of that. (porsche refuses to send his men without joining himself, fuck you, korn, you cannot lock this bird in a cage.) also porsche does not trust korn still and he cannot talk about it with kinn, and yes, they want to merge main and minor family, have them not compete but at the end of the day there are still two people not one leading two families. and it’s nice that porsche has vegas to back him up (how did we get here, ha ha) when he disagrees with the main family about something. anyway just some more thoughts about how porsche and vegas have so many layers to their relationship while i am panicking about a flight.

(prev post is here, and there's more where that came from. lots of layers to this hehe)

first of all, i'm sorry about the flight stress 😭 but i'm glad to distract from that in any way with my ramblings <333

and oh, i never thought about it like this before! i do think vegas is at least a little taken in by porsche's earnestness ("how can you live in this filthy world" ish .... sorry sorry), and how candid he is about everything. vegas has grown up in this web of lies, where no one is what they seem, but porsche, the uninitiated, brings a whole new perspective to the table. and sure, i can see this being a source of conflict, since it's such a blatant reminder of just how much porsche was decidedly not primed to be a mafia heir. but! i like to think that vegas finds it refreshing, in a sense. post-canon, he's in an entirely different state of mind; he's absolutely more vulnerable, and i think he would be pretty receptive to porsche's more open, positive feedback. don't get me wrong: i love when he's a slimy, manipulative little guy too, but i think his main focus now being to keep pete and macau safe has honestly changed him. plus, vegas and porsche are such a good team, i would love to see them playing nice :)

it's super interesting to consider how korn (rightfully) views them both as dangerous, too... vegas in the finale was such a wild card that he tried to take him out (i guess this is technically uncomfirmed but really. who else could it have been), and porsche is such a threat that korn has to trap him with his family and a position at kinn's side. now, if they could just team up and work together defeat the chess master, everything would be great!!

also your comment on porsche putting aside his 100k essay feelings when working with vegas is so !!!! exactly!! porsche really does seem like the type of guy to be able to compartmentalize their bad history in favor of a larger goal. "yeah it's true that he (insert literally anything from the laundry list of offenses), but we have good professional chemistry!" lol. it's possible that vegas concedes in a similar way as well, with porsche being head of the minor family (it's true that he doesn't have any choice but to accept this, as long as korn is breathing... but still).

anyway. i always dive right into these and then wonder if i'm even making sense ghdfjsdhf, but mostly what i'm trying to say is, i want these two to continue to bond over being "blinded by the adults", have weirdly wholesome moments in the future where porsche tells vegas that he is good, and continue to serve MASSIVE COMBAT CHEMISTRY LIKE THIS 🙏🙏

[drdemonprince]

I don't know who to ask about this and I'm too ashamed to ask in any auDHD support group, but how do I cope with RSD from my own incompetence?

I made friends in the crochet community and I've been learning crochet for three years. I'm glad for how far I've come but I can't ignore the fact that I've been talked down by my family due to my hobbies. Since I was a kid, every special interest that I have got shot down or ridiculed and I think because of that, I always have a bit of an unhealthy view of it.

Sometimes, I became competitive and when meeting new people who are more likable, more talented, more resourceful, or have more spoons to create, I wish I could be their friend too so hopefully, I could be like them. But then, I get RSD because of their lack of interest (because I already put a barrier between us) or because sometimes we're not on the same page regarding some things.

I became resentful every time I saw or meet them. I just can't shake the anxiety and irrational anger whenever I see even a glimpse of them online or offline. I can't stop projecting my insecurities onto them and even though I've tried to act nice and avoid any talk or conflict, I can't ignore them entirely since we're in the same circle. My friends like this person, and I know I look odd being the only one who stops talking or is void of emotion whenever we're in the same space.

I feel childish just asking this but I hope you know a way for me to cope with it.

I wrote in a piece a few months ago arguing that most of what gets called RSD is largely just pathologizing a really sensible reaction to repeated social rejection, and I think that holds here.

You are putting a LOT of pressure on yourself, on your own abilities as a crocheter, on every interaction that you have within the community, on individual people who symbolize a desired level of acceptance and recognition you imagine they have and that you don't, on the validatory meaning of small interactions, etc, and so it's no wonder you are bugging the fuck out so much! It's very hard to act normal and chill and take the weird comings and goings of socializing with other people naturally when there's so much weight hanging on every little interaction or cue

(including many completely unintentional or potentially misreadable cues -- it's hard to gauge how much a new/slightly unfamiliar person actually likes or dislikes you, sometimes, and when you've had a lifetime of bad experiences, it's easier to sensibly default to assuming any neutral or missing cue is a negative).

Unfortunately, in my experience the only ways to move past this kind of overthinking and stressing and putting a hindering amount of symbolic weight on small interactions is through lots of practice and building up distress tolerance... and by genuinely having positive or warm experiences enough times that it helps train your nervous system to not associate the activity or community with threat.

It's apt you're messaging me coming off furfest weekend; when I'm around plushy-suited smiling-faced fursuits, I actually feel happy and comfortable around people, because they all look so nice and unthreatening to me! And move so goofily and sweetly and are there for such an adorable reason! In reality, I could practice seeing all humans in this way, because those are humans under those fursuits and most humans are just as capable of being silly and playful as furries are, at least in the right context.

But I have Social Anxieties and so a neutral expression on an unknown person registers as either disapproval or threat, much the time, meaning I am more defensive and less friendly with other people as I move about the world, worsening my own social anxiety by denying me practice and positive experiences, etc. all of which is a long winded way of saying i feel you and i understand what it's like.

In my experience, when I *can't* just run off and surround myself with completely nonthreatening looking fursuiters as a means of disengaging my social anxiety, one way I can at least overcome the worst of it is by having a lot of really mundane interactions with people that are not focused on socializing or making friends (or scoring any kind of interpersonal "win") as their cause.

Having an external goal and focus that you share with others unites them with you and keeps you mutually distracted enough to not be distracted by constantly socially evaluating one another (or trying to guess at how the other person is evaluating you etc). So, join up with some people to organize an event in the crocheting community, edit some example patterns with someone, ask someone whose skills you respect for help with a project that's got you stuck, just generally find some way to share the act of directing attention toward some separate/third thing, and make it something noncompetitive or where you can experience the other person as affiliated with you.

What's great is that research shows working collaboratively on a task as equals is one of the greatest bias-busters for neurodivergent people! So if you have looming anxieties about people treating you weirdly because your neurodivergent or anything like that, aligning yourself with someone to take on a task or a project is more likely to make them like you in return, and you will eventually be able to notice and internalize some signs of that affection, hopefully.

Beyond that, I think you need to just keep going to events in the chrocheting space, contributing to them, approaching people and asking them about their work, asking for and receiving advice and help with your own, and just generally behaving cordially to everyone you bump up around in that world, even if you don't like some of them or have some anxieties surrounding how some of them see you. when we really fear the judgement of another person we feel strongly motivated to dive the fuck away from them, which does not lessen the anxiety in the longrun.

but if the person isn't downright hostile or abusive to us or anything like that, we can usually get a little bit more acclimated to being around them simply by ... being around them, but not prioritizing winning them over, just socializing with others and interacting with them neutrally / pleasantly enough when the situation naturally arises. some people in the community might not like you, or RSD might be sending you some misfires or both, but either way, you can keep showing up and focusing on the friendships and activities that have been paying off, and directing more energy there.

and you'll probably still feel like an overly analytical insecure wreck for a while as you do all of this!! that is okay. feeling better is not the first step to doing better/differently. you can enact the behaviors of being affiliative, pleasant, collaborative, and curious even when you're not absolutely feeling it.

if you have big red glaring instincts telling you a person is Bad to be around, dont ignore that, of course, but you can keep showing up and being a pleasant, active party in this community even when your brain is telling you that so and so not looking up from their project to say hi when you walked in the room is proof that they have always hated you. it isn't proof of that, most of the time, but youre not crazy for having those fears, i have intrusive thoughts like that all the time.

my mind looks all around for evidence ive fucked up in some terrible way that i need to fix, and ive had to make an intentional practice of dismissing those ideas when they come up, and choosing to treat interactions and lower stakes and more blase than they actually felt that they were... but eventually i just got so socially active and had so many interactions that were in fact low stakes and not a big deal that eventually my brain started sometimes believing it wasnt a think to worry so much about.

i hope some of that makes sense or has some applications to what you're working on. i'm sorry that your family has been so dismissive of your passions over the years. it sounds like youve found a rewarding hobby and some people you enjoy being around who also take part in it, and that even the worst enemies you have in the space at this point are not actively dicks, just passively disinterested, so you really do have a lot of raw social material to work with here and get more acclimated to with continued practice. but hey, it's been three years, it's honestly okay if there are some anxieties you always have, just dont let it keep you from getting out there and trying to approach people/engage in the hobby along with other people. sounds like youve been doing fine.

[chim-chim1310]

I think JK is probably still not a bad guy to hang out with one to one. I'm sure on a personal level he's still funny and nice. I wouldn't even say JK betrayed Jimin or anything. While JK knows he's being pushed more than the others, he probably has no idea Jimin was actively sabotaged by his new besties either. I'm not absolving him, I'm just saying I get why someone wouldn't throw away a 10 year relationship on this.

My disappointment in him is not because of those things but as his (former) fan. While he wasn't my ult, he was my bias wrecker and not because he's handsome or has tattoos or because he was the golden maknae. I liked him because he wrote songs like Still With You and Stay and because he talked about how much he loved music. So when he put out his music during solo era (that's 3 singles now), I've been waiting for him to exhibit any signs of this but I can't see any contributions of his. It really just seems like he goes to the office, gets songs, sings them, does everything they need him to do and goes home. I know he's a singer but top artists don't only contribute their vocals to songs. They provide concepts, vision, they put parts of themselves into their art. That is what is sorely missing. How is he different from the BP girls?

So when he gets cocky about his instincts about how good the song is, even though he's contributed hardly anything but his name and even then had to be boosted by a payola campaign thats unprecedented for any kpop act, I feel a sense of derision. Especially since his songs have come after his other members who in spite of other misgivings I have with them, did actually pour their heart and souls into their work.

Every new piece of info he puts out is not helping. It's disappointing to hear his goal is to become more famous, not mentioning anything extra like because you want more people to hear your music, or I don't not know - just say anything that doesn't sound horribly shallow. When he says he doesn't plan to continue any concept or he doesn't think hard about what's next, I don't understand why he says this as if it's a good thing.

Anyway if anyone liked him because he's cute or hot or has tattoos or is popular or does well on the charts, or if their expectations from their artists are just that they need to be charming like BP then I'm sure they're all ok with this. It's only people like us who looked for something deeper who feel resentful.

That's exactly my thoughts. He's talking like 'I don't usually write lyrics', 'when I'm given a good song I take it' 'I want to be a giant pop star' 'I don't know how my album is working' 'I had a gut feeling you will like the song'

He's saying all this as if he's proud of being a nepobaby. Dude you're getting spoonfed like a 26 year old manchild, the least you could do is be humble.

It's fucking irritating.

[demon-mortician]

Continuation from this thread with @bluebird-dolly-bride

Listening to Cassandra saying all those things was a true relief for the blue haired, Tomoky remembered those times when she thought that there wasn't hope for people anymore, that no one is completely kind.. But of course, that was a lie too, she had the live proof in front of her now.

She looked so happy to hear such nice words that she couldn't help but jump on top of Cassandra, hugging her tightly into her arms, embracing her body as much as she could, in a last demonstration of affection.

— C-Cassie.. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!, you're so kind, I.. I don't deserve you.. -Sniff.- From now on, I swear with my life that I'm never ever going to lie to you again, I just didn't want to loose you..

Some minutes passed as they settled into the house, Tomoky's dress was completely ruined and torn, with the blood and the ruptures on the fabric it was almost imposible to save it, so they decided to throw it away, and so, Cassandra gave Tomoky some of her clothes for her to borrow. Now that they were more relaxed, Tomoky decided to start telling Cassandra the long joke that her life was.

— Erm... Well, uh, where do I start?.. There's a demonic sub-race called "Kots" that are basically just normal humans with some weak features.. A hundred years ago, I was born under the royal family, product of an infidelity of the queen, and so, she named me "Evangeline" which means "Miracle" because she had trouble conceiving back then.. So my name was never Tomoky, it was a nickname my father gave me to blend in Tokyo...

Outside, a soft storm started to pour down the house...

— The king would have murdered my mother if he found out of my existence, so she ordered my father to take me and run away to a place they wouldn't find us. My father, who was deeply in love with the Queen, fell in a strong resentment towards me, for separating him from his loved-one... He decided to move to the human world, in Japan, so we could camouflage as normal humans and live our lifes away from that problem... Eh, I must say, "Kots" need a.. Um.. "Activation" to unlock their abilities and this aspect, so I pretty much looked like a human and acted like one, I could have lived my life a little bit more without noticing I wasn't a human, as my father was really good at persuading me with time, so I didn't knew I was a 100 years old.. He even erased my memories from childhood, so that's why they were so fuzzy.

— A year ago, we were searched by them again. The king died, and now the race was diying miserably, and they needed a new leader for their dumb plans... I didn't agree to anything they proposed me, and so, they forced me to do that initiation thing.. And turned me into this.. Whatever this is.. And it's not like I would do anything to you, of course, it's just that this appeareance.. It's not.. I was worried that you were going to grow afraid of me, but Cassie, I want you to know: I'm not a vampire nor anything similar, I'm not going to hurt you, I never would.. It's just these stupid fangs that make me look like a threat, but in the end it's just me.. I'm as soft and weak as you see me.

— My mother was, to say the least, a very dumb woman.. She told me that this race has been educating themselves to fight against each other races for centuries, like they were going to achieve anything, but they knew clearly they weren't making any progress.. And they wanted me to continue with that cycle, but obviously I couldn't, it was just so fucking stupid I couldn't tolerate it... I woke up a day after they "awakened" me and it seemed like both of my parents had ran away... She just told everyone I was the new queen and then dissapeared completely along with him.... I took some time to decide what to do and in the end I just burnt the crown and set everyone free, I told them to go and live as humans, as long as they could, so this god forsaken race can finally rest.. They didn't say much, they looked so tired that they just accepted and one by one they started to leave and, soon enough, the place was completely empty..

— I was so shocked that I couldn't just go back home, I stayed in the Demon World some time hiding and living off my father's money for some time until I eventually started doing some mortuary jobs for people in the underworld who didn't have enough money to give their loved ones a proper goodbye.. I didn't like any of that, but now that I have enough I can move on and return to the human world, and live alone.. Forget everything.. And finally be the person I've always wanted to be.

[klinefelterrible]

When I was a boy I had two favourite Disney movies on VHS and they were Robin Hood and the Beauty and the Beast. My mom used to call me a beast because she thought it would be nice to somehow make it relatable to me, I know parents do that all the time. I had a cousin who loved Barney Rubble so much he managed to wear that one T-shirt all the time and if his parents wanted him to wear literally anything else, he cried so hard he ripped his hair out. But anyway, my two favourite movies back then were this:

And this:

And even though I knew it was proper for me to be more like those guys (I had "Jungle book" too)

I couldn't help but feel that on the very inside I am (although back then there was no concept of transgender or gender and I was a very rational person and smart and I didn't like nonsense and saw through lies instantly), I should be and want to be more like them:

I mean fucking seriously how can one show a sensitive male child this story and expect him to fucking put themself into a fucking frame of Beast Who Was A Shit Person And Needed A Redemption when all he was feeling like A Young Cute Weirdo Who Liked To Read And Was Somehow Detained By This Asshole Monster Forever

And to this day I have this feeling like what the fuck why and for what were you fucking making me be this tough person when at the same time not fucking noticing I was hiding inside this fucking shell of big smoking drinking cursing distrusting person

I feel resentment for my childhood because of so many reasons I can't even start talking about it, everyone wanted to shape me into their fucking imagination that didn't fit me at all and sometimes all I want is to live in some Neverland where there are no bad people who fucking judge you and tell you how you should live your life without actually helping to actually subordinate. Like it was them only telling me what should I be and not how should I do this in order to fucking make them happy and those expectations were so surreal I can't believe it actually happened and I didn't go mad.

Anyway now I'm 36, I have a collection of high heels I never could buy because I was always somehow controlled by if not my mum with whom I live in a flat then by the cleaning lady my mother hired for "taking care" of me but it wasn't care, more like low profile control over me, she went through all my wardrobe and my shit, cleaning everything and changing places of my stuff so even though I had money I had no place to just be alone and store my heels and I knew the cleaning lady was talking about people with other people because she told me about others and how should I get any privacy in a flat where everyone fucking hears everything and my mom fucking entered my room anytime she wanted anf if I went on a short two step walk in my room, she'd hear it or the neighbours would and those people were nasty as fuck and all of them drunks so I didn't want any trouble or gossip, also my mom was a abstinent and since she recovered from drinking she had absolutely no idea how to take care of herself, her teeth were ruined for the better part of my life so she practically never smiled, her clothes were so off fashion it was fucking sad to see her on an official party or any type of family gathering and boy her shoes were a fucking disgrace. I never had a proper female model to look up to with my inner woman so I became a slob like she was and I don't blame her for being a workaholic as her mother was exactly the same. But there was I, with these things I'd like to do or be but everyone was looking at me, everyone watched me like a hawk (my family was and still sort of is sort of famous in my hometown) so I didn't feel safe to he myself for the bigger part of my life as it was never comfortable for me to just be me, and I have this feeling like since I have this dissonance of self, the one where I do look and feel like a man —a manly sort of man, tall with a beard, with all these erections and shit, especially after I was diagnosed with Klinefelter's and on testosterone injections therapy, basically making me this beast of a man now— and a girl —that was never able to be herself in fully, always hiding, always somehow bullied into being an inner part, always put into a box and into a box and a box inside a box, unable to become anything serious (because how exactly? when you're 1.90m and weight over 100kg you're not going to be a cute 1.60/50 girl, not now not ever) — and a third person, like a compromise between a man and a woman, a man with a woman inside, refusing to be a woman because of not willing to be a trans weirdo (as I saw myself in correlation back then and still sort of imagine myself like on and can't help it) with people suddenly made all these questions like why how and saying shit like you never were a girl or we never knew that shit and I just want to be spared of it, so I am now this testosterone dripping, horny all the time big guy who only wishes these things from my head to be over, I mean all those BE THIS and DO THAT and THAT GUY LIKES WHIPS HE'S CRAZY HIS STEPFATHER SAID HE'LL KICK HIM OUT and FAGGOTS ARE TO DIE and stuff like that and people still sort of are this way, not much because I live on my own now with my wife and that but all this shit still haunts me as i can't just stop remembering it and feeling that way and when people say "MAN UP" I ask myself how am I supposed to man up if I don't have any men to look up to, what am I supposed to do when I have no way to learn anything from those men i do know because they don't and won't have time for me plus I was in my hormones buzzing moment so all I wanted from anyone who wasn't related to me was a possible fuck so if there was a willing third party I would probably destroy every relationship between us with my drunken dicksucking advances or whatever.

So I didn't man up and didn't find a proper way of life because I was expected to go to the university and all I ever knew was some english and history and felt no interest in anything else and when I wanted to go to vocational school, they would fucking eat me alive: both my family, mother, grandmother (who hated each other in that particular passive-aggressive way and still do) and all those mean kids from vocational schools as there was a saying back then that if you want your kid to dig ditches, send him to vocational school, where people start a day with fighting, drugs and fucking 'you name it from some hell depiction'-thing. So I went to high school as expected, and then to university, as expected too. Of course my mom and grandma expected me to go to some other school, but I didn't want to so I didn't. They were disappointed. Then I chose the university they wouldn't choose for me and the major that also asked a lot of questions but I was somehow free and ready to become an alcoholic (whom I didn't because as I said before, I was a rational kid) but I felt their breath on my neck. BE THIS, DO THAT, YOUR COUSIN IS IN THE CAPITAL AND IS THE BEST, AS HE ALWAYS WAS, THAT DAUGHTER OF YOUR FATHER'S SECOND WIFE IS IN A COLLEGE LEARNING ENGLISH AND WENT TO AUSTRALIA WITH HER UNCLES AND WHAT ARE YOU NOW WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE

So I live my life not meeting expectations as they were too high for me, I couldn't focus really and they didn't actually force me because I think they didn't care or feel like actually making me do stuff but they talked and talked and made me angry inside so much I still am angry at myself for not being as good as I could be and that makes me sad because I could have been relatively happy, living on my own, working somewhere and doing something if only my grandpas didn't die so early or there was a way for me to be not noticeable or recognizable everywhere and why the fuck all of this had to happen I am sick of it, of my life how it went and yeah there were nice moments but all of them were in this tar-like grief, this greyness of people's looking at me and fucking telling me how my father was like and what my mom a superstar she is and it all told me that I am nothing and I lived in a pause like I felt they're watching me every step i took and since my family had some money people were taking advantage of me and I understand the Jungle Law and the hate towards the rich from those poorer or not advantageous ones, especially on a big block of flat neighbourhood, yeah, so it was not a good place for me to develop my inner woman and making her my outer person because I would probably end badly with my throat cut or raped or whatever. And yeah it was always a fear of mine that I would be robbed or beaten or fucking threw into basement and shit on by some nasty people and all I ever felt was the fear of what would my mother do and will she fucking go back to drinking again and how will she always fucking never ever leave me alone, always being somewhere near I WOULD RATHER FUCKING DIE AND I MEAN IT

but yes, this is my rant and yes sometimes I just wish it all to be over all of the sudden, a meteorite bullseye's me in the head, 1/10000000000 situation and what you can do. My wife would end up with all my stuff, my money and my mess but she'd be alright, so would be my mom hopefully but you never know about her, but anyway not many people would remember me a year or two later. So fuck them.

I remember there were times that all I wanted to do was mention my mom's need to go to the dentist and she stopped talking to me for days. My grandma used to call me twice a day, relentlessly, neverending talks about people being satisfied with their life and successful and me hearing this everyday, plus of course HAVE YOU BEEN TO THE CHURCH and all that and... I don't feel like writing it anymore today

It needs to be mentioned that I hate myself almost everyday but rarely the current day, I mostly regret being alive the day before or some other day from my past and I really do hate me from the past, including me from last week or month.

[polyamorouspunk]

My girlfriend keeps hinting at/joking about getting married. We talked about it once before - we'd both generally be in favour, but have some differences re: having children, level of tidinesscin a home, interior design styles and idk. Stuff. Plus, we've first gotten together a literal decade ago and it's been a bit of an on and off relationship through the years (not helped by us living in different countries for like 8 of those years), and she's hurt me quite a bit on one or two occasions, and I'm still having a bit of a hard time sometimes believing that she's not just with me out of convenience and a desire for company (and knowing I'd forgive just about anything, probably, though that may be unkknd of me). So, when she mentions marriage, I don't know how to be sure she's not just worried about running out of time somehow and "settling" for me in a way. And it's really fucking difficult bc I've been thinking about marrying this person since I was 17, I want to marry her, pretty fucking badly, I'm just. Worried. That she'll end up resenting me and feeling trapped, and I'll have my heart broken once more.

I'm sending this bc your sleepover Friday thing suggests asking for advice lol but if you feel in any way uncomfortable with this, no need to respond! I also promise I won't base any life decisions on a single anonymous conversation with an internet stranger, I just thought it might be nice to get some outside perspective, insofar as that's possible from my one-sided account of the situation lol.

Anyway, have a good day/night/etc

Well reading your first paragraph, my initial reaction was “well if you don’t feel ready to marry her then don’t”. But you can want to marry someone and not be ready! My ex and I had plans to get married, but we weren’t ready at 19/20/21 etc. I’m assuming you’re older than that, and of traditional “marrying” age.

If you have been with someone for over a decade, I hope you feel comfortable enough to talk to them about how you’re feeling. While in the end my ex decided to cut me off, while dating we were fine with having open and honest conversations about marriage, even while living apart.

As someone who is polyamorous, I can understand the idea of being “trapped” in a marriage, but marriage isn’t permanent. You can very much reverse it. Is it going to suck if she decides she wants to divorce you? Yes. But is a divorce going to be more emotionally devastating than a normal breakup? Obviously there are going to be some legal stuff that goes on. In fact, at the end of the day, marriage is just a legal contract between two people. There are plenty of people in love who never get married, and plenty of people who are not in love who get married just to have joint assets, tax breaks, and an overall better financial situation. Yes, as an American society we treat marriage as the ultimate show of one’s love for someone. But in reality it’s really just a legal contract. I’m not suggesting you go and tell her “yes I would like to join our assets”. I think you should uphold the notion that marriage is romantic. But it’s not the end-all-be-all.

To me, though, someone wanting to marry someone isn’t “settling” for them. I didn’t want to “settle” for my ex when we talked about marriage: I wanted to solidify that they were my soulmate and that we would last for years (evidentially they did not feel the same lmao).

There were absolutely sacrifices I had to make to be monogamous to that one person. When they did eventually dump me, that left me free to explore things I couldn’t with them: and I learned some things about myself and what else I like in a sexual / romantic / other relationship! And that was nice! But I would have been willing to not have room to explore that to stay with them. It didn’t feel like “settling” it felt like “what I have is enough for me and I don’t need to look for more”. In terms of partners, yeah, of course I wanted to see other people, and throughout the course of our relationship I did. But I also decided that I wanted to be with them only for the time being when they broke up with me. Maybe that was a “sacrifice” but that was what I wanted.

Difference in what you want in life can be complicated, though. My ex and I agreed on everything. We knew the kind of life we wanted to lead. We “yes, and”ed each other. There was no differences on how clean we wanted to live, how many children or if we wanted children, etc. none of that. We wanted the same things, and that was important to me. I don’t know how I would feel if someone I was with wanted kids and I didn’t, or if they were fine with a messy house and I wasn’t. I can’t say for sure that it would be a “make or break” because I don’t really believe in that kind of thing outside of extremes. You can love someone in spite of their differences, but is that going to take a toll on you over the years? Possibly. I can certainly say I would much rather have someone who agrees with me on not wanting kids and wanting a clean house. I don’t want to have to compromise on those things in particular. I can compromise on what color to paint the bedroom, but not on lifestyle differences that are going to cause me internal stress I think.

I’ve also never had an on-again-off-again relationship with someone: but I imagine if I did I would want to keep them around unless I was the one breaking things off because they kept hurting me- but even then I know that I have unhealthy tendencies to want to be with people who aren’t the best. I can break things off with someone if it gets to be too bad, but it’s permanent when I do. If I’m breaking up with someone, I’m blocking them. If they break up with me, I’m blocking them. I’ve never gone back to someone I’ve broken up with. I can’t let myself get into a cycle like that because it’s too unhealthy for me. If I’m going to marry someone, I really can’t see it being someone I’ve had to break up with or who felt the need to break up with me multiple times. But that’s just me.