#second off bitch you ugly and dont nobody want you your mans dont want you i saw him with some hookers last night

[firelise]

I"M HAVING A TIME

Tongrak THEE Stallion

[malsiesdiary]

Wow she’s STILL going.

First of all, Allison has you blocked which means you’re stalking her blog and 100% shouldn’t be able to see ANYTHING she’s reblogging to HER blog. She’s resharing HER OWN posts to HER other VENT blog. So she didn’t have drama on her main blog. So leave her the hell alone and keep your eyes on YOUR blog. Not mine, not Allison’s. YOURS! We can post what we like to OUR blogs. Don’t like it then go to the nearest hospital and ask them to have your corneas removed so you don’t have to see our posts anymore.

Second of all, ALLISON DIDNT SEND THAT ANON IN AND NEITHER DID I! Ever think maybe one of YOUR friends is sending anons in to stir shit up? Allison doesn’t call me by that name. And her and I, we’ve been talking all day and guess what? NOT ABOUT YOU! Because we DONT care. Stop spamming me with anons, because I’m just gonna keep ignoring and blocking them! And leave our names out of your fat ugly mouth.

All my man did was send you an anon and tell you to leave us alone, and your response was to bash OUR relationship which is MUCH BETTER than YOURS will EVER be. And you wanna talk about cheating or my dude being ugly? Bitch your man is ugly asf. As are you! I sent Allison your photos the other day to prove you’re an ugly bitch and we sat here laughing our asses off at the fact you actually think you’re skinnier than either of us.

Also, According to you, your dude has full blown cheated on you. You have also cheated on your dude. I’ve never been with another guy sexually and neither has Scott with a girl. So stay in your own lane. Maybe if you ran as many laps as you ran your mouth, you wouldn’t be 300 lbs.

And the only person who rode the short bus Nogitsune, is you and probably soon to be another person in your family. And I hope your family member doesn’t get made fun of and have to go through all the hell I did in school. But you know what they say, the things you do to others comes back on you through your closest family members. So maybe you should learn to leave people alone before you cause Karma to rain down on an innocent person because you can’t leave people alone. ✌️🖕

And btw, I took an IQ test the other day. Anything between 70-100 is normal. I even showed Allison. My score was 106. Which means I’m smarter than the average human being.

Girl you’re lying your ass off. Allison BLOCKED you. When someone has you blocked, you don’t see what they share, nor do you get notifs. You were blatantly stalking her blog. So just STFU. You and Darach need to leave people alone and STFU and stop playing victim. Allison is fine! She’s allowed to repost things posted from one blog to another if she wishes. They are HER blogs. Worry about YOU and leave my friend alone. Nobody wants to talk to you nor cares what you’re doing. Go fucking choke on your tic tac dick, and leave us alone. You’re the one starting crap. One day you try to kiss Allison’s ass and now you’re trying to kiss mine? Fuck off skank! You wish you looked as good as me and Allison. 😍😘🫏🖕✌️

[disappointed-and-depleted]

Some Of My Favourite Out Of Context One Piece Quotes: Dubbed

Green is for Zoro or Bartolomeo, Red is Luffy or Chopper, Blue is Sanji or Sabo, Purple is Usopp or Brook, Pink is Franky or background characters ie Perona or Buggy, orange and black are also for background characters

"Nobody calls me stupid but me"

"She blew up that funny old man and he was nice so now I hate her 😠"

*casually staring down a dinosaur* "you're a rude son of a bitch" *kicks it*

"Pirates! Or worse, the government!"

"🎶Good evening!✋🎶"

"Well, as per usual I've been kickin ass, and what about you?" "Been kickin ass."

"Hold on a second pirate A (Sanji) Nami isn't a background character like you, its gonna take more then one sorry little bazooka attack to defeat her"

*menacingly* "I love giraffes"

"...wOAh that is lame,"

"SOMEBODY GET ME A LAWYER, THERE'S NO WAY I'M NOT GONNA SUE YOUR ASS OFF FOR THIS!"

"It's a little early to be kissing his ass"

*casually throwing cannon balls* "WE DON'T WANT 'EM, TAKE 'EM BACK!"

"YOU PEOPLE ARE MONSTERS!" "Uh huh!✌✌✌💖"

"You just cook the meat, dont tell us how to eat it"

"Dead men tell no tales" *knows full well of Brook's existence*

*chanting* "FRANKYS NAKED, FRANKYS NAKED"

"WHERE ARE YOU MY FEISTY TRUFFLE!?💖"

"₲₳Ⱨ, ₳ ₮ⱤɆɆ ₩ł₮Ⱨ ₴Ø₥Ɇ ØⱠĐ ₲ɆɆⱫɆⱤ'₴ ₣₳₵Ɇ ł₴ ₮Ø₮₳ⱠⱠɎ ₲Ɇ₮₮ł₦₲ ĐⱤɄ₦₭ ₩ł₮Ⱨ ₳ ฿Ɇ₳₮ Ʉ₱ Ʉ₦ł₵ØⱤ₦"

"I'm so ashamed, my soul is as twisted as my curly eyebrows"

"Power has nothing to do with it, I just naturally have a negaTIVE PERSONALITYYYYYYYYYYYY"

"I-I don't believe this!" "Usopp actually looks cool for once." "Is his heart really that empty?" (I'm not sure if that's a good thing)

"What the hell is this guy? The Patron Saint of Pessimism?"

"AHHH, WHAT A TERRIBLE SOURCE OF SELF ESTEEM!"

*not so casually catching fire and jumping off a cliff* "NAMI-SWAAAAAAN"

"AAHHHHHH, DONT EAT ME I SWEAR IM ALL BONES"

"NAMI GAVE AWAY SOME OF HER TREASURRREEEE!!! AAAAHHHHHHHHH!! A STORM MUST BE COMING!"

"H-he wants to see underwear! EVERYONE, SHOW HIM YOUR UNDERWEAR" "Um, I- I don't need to see any man panties, thank you, I- uh- oh W O W."

"He's not stupid, he's Luffy."

"Awe man, I miss when Jinbei was on our side"

"Okay, uh, a sword shouldn't be able to do that... can we please call that thing somthing other then a sword?"

"THANK YOU BUGGY, SEE YOU IN THE AFTER LIFE, I GUESS"

"But wait, these guys are certified badasses,"

"What about child support?" "Put it on my tab" "THIS ISN'T A BAR"

"WHAT IS THIS, A CHILD LABOR SCHEME!?" (I love Sabo so much 😂😂)

"ATTA BOY SATAN"

"Ah, I didn't think you'd be the first," "Oh yeah? Nobody else has shown up? Well damn, I guess they got lost" (SAYS YOU ZORO)

"WHAT'S UP LADIES, IM FRESH OUTTA HELL AND LOOKIN FOR A GOOD TIME!"

"WHOA, DUDE!" "H E S G O T A H A N D I N H I S H A A A A A N D ! ! !"

"Still standing after all that? Maybe you got stronger after all," "Yeah, and your itty bitty baby attacks actually tickle a little now, too bad they still don't hurt as bad as your food hurts my stomach," "WANNA FIGHT ABOUT IT!?"

"YOU'RE NOT READY FOR REAL GIRLS YET, SANJI! GO BACK TO YOUR PICTURES AND RELAX!"

"WHO NEEDS BLOOD, I HAVE LUST TO SUSTAIN ME!!"

"𝐀𝐇, 𝐁𝐎𝐍𝐄 𝐃𝐀𝐃𝐃𝐘!"

"And so what if I am? Is it so wrong to want to share in the suffering of my friends? Cold is a state if mind after all! You don't need skin for that!"

*calmly but genuinely* "Resign from the warlords of the sea or go into battle with of the of the four emperors. Obviously he'll pass on both and kill us if he's wise. Yohohohoh- oh I'm scared!"

"Is that why you came down with us, racoon?" "Mhm....... HEY WHO ARE YOU CALLING RACOON, I'M A REINDEER JERK, HOW WOULD YOU LIKE IT IF I SAID YOU WERE A BIG UGLY RAT WHO EATS GARBAGE- WHAT'S SO FUNNY LUFFY? QUIT LAUGHING!"

"I see, Racoon, so you can understand what animals say," "uh huh, it really comes in handy when we... HEY! COME ON, THERE WAS NO EXCUSE FOR IT THAT TIME!"

"Be extra careful, this is enemy territory," "HEY, ITS NOT AS DARK OVER HERE!" "what did I just tell you, stop yelling!" "Yeah, I hate to say this, but I'm with jerk face on this one," "*disgruntled noises*"

"Oh, so you're okay to be beaten up then,"

"I'mGonnaBeRealHonestWithYouHereSanjiAndGiveYouAHard I. Don't Know But!SayYourPrayersJustToBeSafe,K?"

Also any time someone other than Luffy calls Law "Traffy" is infinatly funny to me cause Dressrosa is super serious then Robin says "But Traffy's plan-" and I'm out of there

"My barrier only works on physical attacks, not verbal ones!"

"You lost me! You sound cool as hell and I still look up to you! Of course, but you lost me!"

"OH NO! MASTER DICKHEAD"

*Brook being eaten alive and no one paying any mind*

[loslotharios]

...that certainly was something huh?

One thing this show is going to always do is make me ugly cry til my head hurts lmao.

Anyways as per usual my "thoughts" ⬇️

Man I really wish I'd started doing these posts earlier bc it's fun to just dump my dumb thoughts on u all lmao. Like can u imagine me talking about earlier seasons or about rayanne??? CHAOS.

Alright starting off strong with Dembe. Hello. I love u.

"I blame him too sometimes." DEMBE! This single line made my mind go crazy with kid Dembe headcannons. Sooooo imma get back on those.

PINKY 💀💀💀

The helium scene is the best thing to ever happen on this show. They are children. All 3 of them. I NEED more Red/Aram/Dembe interactions.

Cooper calling Red "Raymond". BITCH WHY DONT YOU JUST PROPOSE ALREADY.

RAYMOND WANTS HER TO MERC HIS ASS??? NOOOOOOO STOP

Personally, if I was Elizabeth I would just knock the old man Red over, snatch up the letter and haul ass. What's he gonna do? Run after me? Even injured I have no doubt she could outrun him... no offense Raymond.

Agnes rocking the denim on denim. Queen shit. Iconic. Incredible.

How far behind in school do you think Agnes is at this point?

Not to be a whore, but Red and Dembe 😩 I would. Both of them. No shame.

Elizabeth looked sketchy as fuck in the hospital. Girl at least take off the hat.

Aram loves Reddington and it's so freaking cute. Lmao.

I always thought it was hella weird of Elizabeth to ask that little girl to touch her scar. Nobody wants to touch your funky scar dude. Sorry but I had to say it.

Not Elizabeth unloading her drama on this 15 year old girl. She's just like 😬 my train is here sorry.

I'm not gonna lie, there was A LOT of talking this episode. I may or may not have zoned out just a little.

This show at times gives me "indie movie" vibes. The scene cutting between Red and the statue is one of those times.

Raymond really made his bestie help him plan/help execute his death. Toxic.

Agnes said: #blessed🙏

Ressler sneaking out the hospital was funny asf sorry. Hes out running in the streets. Sir sit down please.

RED AND DEMBE HUGGING IM CRYINGGGG I COULD FEEL THE EMOTION.

Cooper briskly walking to go try to save his boyfriend's life. Love it.

ELIZABETH NOOOOO RIP MY HOMEGIRL IM CRYING. WHY DOES THIS SHOW ALWAYS MAKE ME SOB?!?!?! WHYYYY.THE FUCKING MONTAGE. THE MUSIC. RAYMOND NOT WANTING TO LET GO. OH MY GOD MY HEART. DEMBE'S "IM SORRY" AS HE PULLS HIM AWAY!! THE SQUAD NOOOO RESSLER!!

Fuck. Where does the show go from here? Cant wait for s9 tbh.

Some after thoughts:

Im fully convinced Red had a sniper or something there to kill him from a far, if Liz couldn't do it. Guess we'll never know :(

For a second, i thought they were gonna kill raymond tbh. Him draining that wine glass would have been a good send off lmao.

Kind of hate that Liz never found out the truth from him. But oh well. Imma miss her. OH MY GOD AGNES! AGNES UGHHG IM IN PAIN.

Okay. I'm gonna retreat into my happy tbl au in my head and try to sleep cause its 6am. Maybe I'll post some of my fun headcannons later bc everything is so sad right now. Also this ended up way longer than I thought lmao oops.

Bye bye for now <3

[01010010-posts]

— my white sighs quietly melted with the stars above.

it all started with a simple ‘you’re a slowpoke??’ text and it should have ended there, really, but you got a reply immediately after. ‘I’m sorry, I think you have the wrong person’. absolutely no, you scoffed, as if you were going to be tricked again ‘bitch don’t play the wrong number card because you didn’t catch the bus’. he was amused by your obstinacy and lightly worried about the supposed receiver, who, it appeared, was very clumsy; ‘please, control the number you texted, I’m Connor.’ boy he sure was. not your pal, not someone else in your contact list, just.... Connor. ‘god, i apologize!! thank you for telling me! ps. didn’t mean to call you a bitch, connor’ and it should have ended there, really, but you got a reply. connor: shouldn’t you be in bed by now? you: but,,,, i wanted to chat with u a little more connor: as an android sleep is not required but you, as a human, need to rest. we can always continue talking tomorrow. you: :( what if you have a long case tomorrow?? mh?? what if?? what you’re gonna say in your defense then?? connor: don’t worry :) I’ll find time for you. you: ok you win goodnight ☆ connor: sweet dreams. goodnight, [name]. it’s been three months since you’ve first spoken with him. intimacy there but low, how obvious it is that the two of you are proceeding with caution. yet you can’t help but write to him every day, staying up late while waiting for an answer of his, often checking your mobile and getting unsettled when there’s no signal. it’s strange, your colleagues whisper, how can you be so attached to someone if you’ve never even seen him? of course, you know it. you don’t wish for a pretty face, you only wish for a pretty personality. with a heavy sigh and a loud poof you pull the white duvet up to your head, finding comfort by completely hiding inside the warm embrace. you tightly hug a pillow, pretending that it’s him, returning your affection and cuddling, maybe caressing you too inasmuch, as he said, ‘androids don’t need to sleep’. but is it bad to fantasise? you: I’m deeply sorry.... sweetheart: >:( you: [name], it’s the seventh text-made emoji you’ve sent me.... they expressed some sort of anger so I’d prefer if we discussed about whatever is bothering you. sweetheart: >:(( you: I’m begging you.... sweetheart: you’re grounded and your punishment is enduring the wrath of weird angery text-based emoji :< you: what did I do to deserve this? :’( sweetheart: i sent you a heart & you didn’t send it back to me you: gosh! how clumsy of me! could you ever forgive this fool? sweetheart: mhhh it depends. what are you willing to do to be pardoned? you: I’ll send you whatever heart I possess! 💕💖💗💖 sweetheart: THIS IS UNFAIR!!! he’s silently giggling all by himself, in the cold room lit by his blue led circling at a steady rhythm– no, it’s not the temperature, rather it’s the atmosphere; ‘cold’. he’s still grappling with emotions and developing tastes is– well, to put it simply, complicated. he’s heartened with the fact that you once said, at the sight of a photo of his bed and the corner within, that being minimalistic is a style too. though, possibly, his true self is one of a clutterer of knick-knacks. of course, he’d like you to help him pick what ornaments would suit him the best. you: wtf i dont believe it connor♡ : but it does! you: prove it MIKU HATSUNE connor♡ : listen here human it’s not my fault you haven’t got the chance to witness an android external fluid deactivating you: !!!!! are you bragging?? connor♡ : ahahaha I’m joking it’s sending a video right now you watch ecstatically as soon as the app downloads the file, your chest throbbing with pleasurable anxiety. how can it be? he’s kind, precious AND fucking handsome, skin or no skin. you bet bad things will happen to you today to balance this sheer luck. think it thoroughly, it’s actually the first time you see his face. you: u’r cute also how does your hair work man connor♡ : thank you :) it’s connected to my head so.... you: i get it cybernetic magic your secrets are safe with me connor♡ : ahahaha and I was concerning myself about disgusting you you: WHAT fuck no you’re done that way, ok, it’s cool ok? kept it in mind are you allowed to insert ♡ near his name and not tell him? you: I’m waiting!! :/ sweetheart: so needy you: come on, [name]! sweetheart: tru tho you: >audio file cooome ooooonn sweetheart: !!! im ready pick up idiot the monitor lits and here you are, gorgeous. he’s certain that his heart melted on the spot. such is the sensation you give him every time you send him a photo, his thirium pump skipping a beat and making him inevitably somewhat gasping for air, mouth barely closed. he’s not accustomed to all the new features deviancy brought but in this he’s confident, he’s head over heels in love with you. you: what?? you’ve already seen the movie?? love♡ : yeah! I went with Hank! it was very nice, you should see it too you: WELL id kill to (please don’t arrest me detective) but nobody wants,,,, love♡ : why is that? (I won’t arrest you if you behave) you: something along the lines of not their genre or some shit uff (seems sketchy) love♡ : what about going alone? (it isn’t!!) you: it would be too sad :’(  love♡ : I’m sorry to hear that, if I could be there I’d accompany you and wouldn’t mind seeing it a second time. you: yes i know.... what is it? six months? more? you hardly remember, having so many messages in here, it would be too difficult to keep track, though you’re positive, that if you asked him he’d tell you in an instant, since he’s so attentive with that little brain-computer of his. you close your lids, tapping your fingers on the desk, it’s wearing, you must admit. you like him, a lot at this point, but being so far and out of reach.... what can come out of this? friends don’t support you either, ignoring this blatant crush, trying to make you hook-up with people met at a bar, getting annoyed at you constantly texting, preaching that a long distance relationship is not worth your time and your effort, and it’s not even a relationship, isn’t it? you’re not on that level. you’re just weirdos keeping themselves company. bummed out a bit, you decide that maybe avoiding him for a couple of days might be a proper solution. will he feel your absence? will he miss you? you: is everything all right? sweetheart: yes. you: are you sure? sweetheart: yep im,,,, swamped with work, the drill you: that I understand but perhaps I did something wrong? sweetheart: ?? you: you’ve been acting kinda cold lately, and if I’m the cause of that I’m sorry. being a deviant is good sometimes, and sometimes is not. it was great until a while ago so why now.... now....? he feels so lost. it’s understandable to have a job and a life outside this bond but– but is it really? is it okay for you to be without him? you’d manage fine. mhh no– the real question is: is it okay for him to be without you? can he be without sending you a text at least once a day? can he be without hearing your voice at least once a week? can he be without your usual video calls at least twice a month? can he be without seeing you, over a screen, cooking your dinner and singing? can he be? can he exist without you? he’s.... starting to doubt that. sweetheart: no i’m i’m the one whos sorry, okay? we can call tomorrow you: I don’t want to press you into anything you don’t want to sweetheart: you’re not! i’ll make up for not having been so present! you sigh, suffocating yourself on the pillow, how can you be this dense? this stupid? this utter moronic?? unequivocally he was going to worry. you made him worry. fuck. you’re going to trust your guts, no dumb jokes, it’s obvious that you both care about the other and can’t stay apart for too long. you: i know it’s 3AM and you told me to not be awake but i cant i cant okay? im thinking of you and me and you and it began because im a mess so it shouldnt be a surprise i havent gotten better this past year has been.... the best. yeah i fucked up and tried to be distant, to see if sth would change but it didnt i love waking up and finding a text from you, i love the sound of your voice trying to lull me goodnight when im being a spoiled child, i love how you’re so gentle & how you always forgive me and mostly i love you not as a friend, definitely as more, definitely like a lover and i know that you’re so caring that you’ll probably still want to talk with me even if the affection’s not mutual you lock your phone’s screen and place it on the nightstand. the orange light from the streets seeping through the curtains and soaking your covers, and now that your eyes are free to roam, it’s easier to notice the soft feathers’ filling making tiny shadows on your face. poor poor geese. your fingertips slightly touch the stitches, your heartbeat pacing furiously from the strong emotions, both trepidation and fear running your veins. what if he doesn’t feel the same? what if he’s been polite this whole time and you overstepped his boundaries? what if? love♡ is typing.... ping! love♡ : I love you too, honey. but please, don’t scare me again, I think I lost four biocomponents when you suddenly stopped replying to me. also you should sleep. you: im pouring my heart out ugly crying and!!!! you’re too casual nooo it’s no big deal baby we just fucking love each other it’s totally ok incoming call from love ♡ “hey....” his tone slow and almost drowsy “i thought it was clear enough.” words rolling off his tongue, the same that he’d tenderly run across you, kissing, tasting, worshipping your body “i hate you.” you sniffle and there’s a chuckle on the different end “i love you.” you smile, wiping off the tears wetting your cheeks with the back of your right hand “i love you too.”

[gaymafia]

I’m legitimately curious why people didn’t like the last Jedi? I saw it and thought it was okay? Is there something I missed or? Like it wasn’t great but it was passable?

ok so i wasnt gonna do this here bc nobody fucking asked but u asked so thank u but also strap in ur ready for a while ride

TLJ spoilers, obviously. also my issues are going to be numbered in no particular order bc my thoughts on this movie are so fucking scrambled but here we go

1. Kyle Ron. First of all fuck Ryeanne for making me see so many goddamn closeups of Adam Driver’s ugly ass face. I did not need to see all that he is so goddamn ugly especially that fucking shirtless scene where he looks like a block of pasty ass pale wood.

But for real, Kylo Ren. I don’t actually take issue with his existence, because Kyle really does excellently represent rich ass white boys who have everything handed to them but throw a hissy fit when they face the slightest adversity an throw tantrums all the time. It’s nice to see a villain that represents most people real-life nightmares instead of like, a Sexy Temptress or Old Evil Man or whatever. That being said, kyle is not given the villain’s treatment in this movie. if you cut out all the scenes where ryan is not actively sucking adam driver’s dick and jizzing all over himself over kyle’s angsty white boy angst, the movie has virtually no real plot (”oh no we are in space with no fuel, nobody is going to do anything except get mad at each other, miscommunicate, and deliberately make all the characters of color worthless while separating Finn and Poe bc fuck the gays”). So much of the movie is spent not just establishing how kyle became kyle (which is good! backstory for villains is good!), but trying to get us to like, sympathize with him? which is the shitty part. I dont care that Luke “”””tried to kill”’’’ (he didn’t) kyle. kyle had turned to the dark side before luke’s mistake. kyle had a million and one chances to change his mind from the start of TFA to the end of TLJ, and he never did. Kyle is an evil guy. We need one of those. He’s a great evil guy bc he’s got so many shitty qualities. But ryin doesnt want us to hate kyle, even tho hes the villain. why the fuck doesnt reean want us to hate kyle? bc rayan is also a shitty little man who thinks giving ur white boy a sob story makes him a sympathetic villain and sidelining ur characters of color will help.

also again the fucking shirtless scene what the shit man that was so gross

2. Will be broken down into A, B, C, etc. bc TLJ treats its characters of color like SHIT. 

2A. Finn. Finn gets put in a coma bc why would anyone want to write anything interesting for john boyega its not like hes the MOST BEAUTIFUL MAN and the MOST TALENTED ACTOR who is being sidelined bc ryun hates black people. Yeah Finn is totally into Rey and he wants to save her and is willing to desert the rebellion for her. that happened in the first movie but why give your characters real arcs when you can recycle old ones to jerk off to kyle ron. the rose thing happens, shes like “we can disable the tracking” and like TWO SECONDS after he was dead set on desertion he’s totally down to risk his life for the rebellion at rey’s expense? that sure is a quick 180 with no real reason why and no writing to explain it! then there was the whole “separate finn and poe” thing ryain pulled for the shits and giggles.

2B. Rose. I was pretty chill with Rose, she had a dope backstory, her sister was badass, and I liked that they made that connection off the bat. I’m not mad about anything rayn did with her character but i genuinely believe thats only because i havent thought about it enough yet. give me a week and i’ll figure out how rain fucked it up. open to suggestions.

2C. Poe. Full offense but was I supposed to be mad at Poe for coming up with a plan when that bitch Holdo was like “I’m not gonna tell you my plan sit tight and be convinced we are all going to die :)” i legitimately did not understand how I was supposed to be mad at poe for doing what he thought was best for the rebellion after he asked holdo what the plan was and she was deliberately obstinate and refused to even be like “dont worry i have a plan” she was just like. so dumb. Also poe got thrown around a lot and i am A Little Suspicious of how much physical violence he experienced compared to many other characters.

2D. You guessed what was next! The slaps! Super awesome how the two men of color were slapped by white people!!!! So deep!!!!!!! For real tho uh the second time i saw this movie someone in the audience laughed when poe got slapped by space hitler hux and uh??? not funny. not funny or cute or clever to use the guy you built your entire nazi imagery on to slap the one black man on your cast. i dont care if it was supposed to make us “hate hux” or whatever more. i already hated hux reyn. you could have used that screentime in your 3 fucking hour long movie for something valuable, like giving finn a character arc, or literally anything else besides that goddamn slap. i was livid watching that.

and then with leia and poe? i get that part of the conflict was internal in the resistance and one of the major themes was how failure is the best teacher and all that but like? maybe stop physically assaulting all your characters of color? maybe uhhhh at least think about that first??

2E. like i mentioned before one of the obvious themes was how failure is the best teacher so naturally all the major characters had to fail at something, and then learn from their mistake to be better next time. with luke it was fucking up with kyle, with rey it was being naive enough to think kyle could turn, with poe it was the dreadnaught thing, finn was left out of this because raan dooesn give a shit abt finn bc hes a racist bastard, etc. but it was incredibly transparent how all of the white characters’ mistakes meant either personal losses or something small scale with one person, while the mistakes of the characters of color (poe/finn/rose) were all ones that cost the rebellion the vast majority of their forces. rey got out of her fight with kyle and snoke unscathed. luke got a lot of guilt and character development. What did finn poe and rose get? the deaths of like 99% of the resistance on their shoulders. A little too coincidental that even though rey LITERALLY GAVE HERSELF OVER TO SNOKE she was totally fine a-ok no real scars, finn and poe and rose doing their best to save the rebellion while admiral holdo refuses to tell them anything costs the resistance so fucking much. rey does the DUMBEST FUCKING THING with no real consequences and finn and poe and rose try their best and are punished severely for it.

2F. Really convenient how everything finn, poe, and rose did ended up being useless and just cost the rebellion lives, whereas at least rey’s mishap got snoke killed and taught her a lesson. reeeeaaaalllllyyyyyy convenient how finn, poe, and rose’s plan was a huge waste of time. it would have been much better for us to see an actual plot line with them that contributed to the story and their characterizations instead of “send them on a goose chase, make it pointless in the end, physically brutalize them along the way.

3. R*yl* bullSHIT: ryyn had a really fun time with a lot of very rape-y scenes in this movie. the whole force-connection thing with kyle and rey was soooooo uncalled for, it reeked of non-con fantasies, catered to the r*yl*s like nothing ever before, and was so goddamn gross. the obvious invasion of privacy and lack of consent was nasty, using it as a shitty device to make rey “come around” on kyle was NASTY and that whole thing was nasty. i know im not articulating this well but there was so much about that whole thing that bothered me. i just know reyhan was so fucking into it, inserting kyle into rey’s life, forcing her to completely drop all of her characterization in the first movie to suddenly thing kyle can be good, acting as if rey hasnt seen all the shit and known what hes done. the whole thing was gross and a really obvious example of why men shouldn’t be allowed to direct movies.

4. killing snoke was a dumbass fucking mistake. kyle is a tantrum-throwing temper-losing toddler. snoke was evil and mysterious and shit idk. we knew he was powerful as fuck, he looked like a testicle which is a great villain imo, he was the darth sidious and they killed him off while kyle is still in like. ep2!Anakin levels of angst. i get that kyle is already powerful or whatever but like. hes not cold and calculated the way snoke was. kyle is a good villain, but a weak main baddie bc hes dumb as fuck. he let the rebellion get away bc he was pissed at luke. that was dumb as fuck. kyle is ruined by his emotions, and snoke was a scarier main baddie bc he wasnt so fucking dumb lol

5. it was so fucking long. there were so many scenes that could have been cut or shortened. why did we need to see luke milking the tiddy of that weird alien cow thing. why did we need to see kyle ron shirtless. why did we need so many goddamn shots of the fucking porgs.

6. ya the porgs are cute or whatever but like. that whole “look at how sad the cute big-eyes porg is when chewie is eating his friend” thing was so dumb. i dunno why but i hated that the most. that was the worst thing the porgs did. they were cute but like chill disney u know they like ran algorithm after algorithm to make that porg the cutest it could be with science or some bullshit and like? thats dumb.

7. i get that the humor in star wars movies is shifting but i felt like there was too much of it and it was dumb. a lot of the riffs werent funny and there were too many of them for a star wars film. star wars usually doesnt take itself too seriously, but this one was a little too much for me.

8. there were too many plot twists for shock value. the story went on too long. it should have ended earlier but it didnt. i dont know why ryenn decided to have like 6 different climaxes but it was too much. should have let there be one climax buddy. thats it.

9. holdo. besides holdo being the white feminist icon why didnt she just fucking tell poe the plan. why. why was so deliberately obstinate when it was doing no good. like yeah of course poe sent out a crew to try to save the rebellion all u told him to shut up and let you handle it! obvously what she did in the end was badass or whatever but like uh hun next time dont be a piece of shit and then get mad when people react to you being a piece of shit. i would have been okay with all that happening if holdo wasnt treated like some hero who never made any mistakes. she did make a mistake, and that was refusing to tell poe what her plan was when she knew he was absolutely the type to do whatever he could to save the rebellion whether he had her permission or not. also apparently holdo is a lesbian or bi or not straight or something in like the comics or whatever and like 1. classic bury ur gays but also 2. no more word of god gay characters if a character is not gay in the movies i will not give you the gay cred for it sorry homophobes

10. i didnt buy the story w luke and kyle at lukes jedi training facility or whatever. surprisingly, i was ok with lukes story line and character development, and actually agreed with it for the most part, but i just like. i dunno i didnt feel like that was something luke would do. not because luke is infallible (even tho he is my gay dad who has never done anything wrong ever) but because the entire original trilogy is luke believing darth vader could be saved. and while im not opposed to luke changing his mind about whether or not everyone could be turned away from the dark side (luke was young and optimistic in the original trilogy, and as he grew older he would learn more about the jedi and their history like the whole speech he gave rey about how the jedi have to end bc theyre lowkey shitty). i actually kind of liked luke’s hot take on the jedi, because it was lowkey my hot take on the jedi (esp the prequels jedi who were shitty as Fuuuuuck but we are ignoring the prequels for now lbr) but also because i could believe it was a view luke would come to as he aged. but impulsively drawing his lightsaber to kill kyle before he had actually done anything bad, after suspecting that kyle had darkness in him for a while, even though he felt like he had failed? it just didnt feel like luke to me. i felt more like raeyn had chosen that particular backstory to try to make kyle a more sympathetic villain rather than give a believable and in-character back story for the characters. i understand that luke’s failure ultimately has to lead to the creation of kyle ron in this story line, but that didnt feel like the right failure to me. maybe this is just me being nitpicky but that felt off to me too and i dont know if i can quite pinpoint why.

11. rey was a dumbass fucking bitch in this movie. rey could not be a dumbass fucking bitch to survive as a scavenger who was orphaned at birth on jakku. rey would have had to be smart and not as fucking DUMB as she was in this movie. now im getting heated so i cant articulate this well but she just did so many dumb things that anybody who had to raise themselves would have never done. she would never have delivered herself over to kyle ron like what a dumb fucking idea. who wrote this goddamn movie. fuck u ryeen.

12. why did yoda come back as a force ghost. where is anakins force ghost. he would be so fucking pissed at kyle right now. he would be mad as hell. he would have ended this thing. he would have called kyle out like the shitdickbitch he is and put him in his place. i get that yoda is more like ancient and orginal star wars jedi knowledge shit or whatever and like more of an authority on the jedi but like anakin is off in like force ghost hawaii drinking force ghost martinis while his shitty fucking grandson is being a piece of shit?? nah man anakin would have shut that shit down they better bring him back for ep IX and i expect hayden christensen himself to show up to bitch at kyle about what a fucking dumbass he is.

tbh theres probably more like i know there’s a ton of little things i hated but as scathing as this review is there were things i liked. visually speaking it was a very beautiful movie when we werent getting atrocious close ups of adam drivers ugly ass face. i originally hated but have come to appreciate the darker tone, since it mirrors the mood of TESB in that the rebellion seems dead but obviously isnt bc this is star wars. i liked luke. i dunno. i had a lot of issues with the movie obviously. to be quite honest i cant actually think of anything else i liked atm which is telling.

anyway if anybody actually reads this long ass fucking post feel free to respond with what you hated abt TLJ

[griffinxwoods]

Odd numbers 😈😈😈

you’re the wOrst omfg the vikings lost so suck on that kid

im putting this under a read more bc wtf 

1. Who was the last person you held hands with?its been a while buddy so idr lmao sad3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?my future gf. @ god whens that pal5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?i ,,dont have a crush rn 7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?twO months? no lmao 9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?theres almost nothing that makes me uncomfy anymore so no. 11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?“If you want. I think Abuela said she brought lasagna from Titi’s” 👀13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?when its down yeah. 15. What good thing happened this summer?answered17. Do you think there is life on other planets?ALIENS ARE REAL19. Do you like bubble baths?yes i love turning into a raisin 21. What are you bad habits?answered23. Do you have trust issues?lmaooooo yeah25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?just one part? 27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?a bit darker29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?ex’s? 31. If your hair long enough for a pony tail?it is33. Spell your name with your chin.im not doing this kimbo fuck off35. Would you rather live without TV or music?neither the fuck. 37. What do you say during awkward silences?i make jokes sjknf39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?lord. american eagle, aeropostale, old navy, forever 21 on occasion. 41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?depends on what they did but yeah. 43. Do you smile at strangers?no fsdkn ya girl has that RBF - resting bitch face45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?knowing that if i dont go to class/work my mother will straight up murder me.47. Have you ever been high?yeah bruh49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?that i remember, no. 51. Ever wished you were someone else?all the time!! wish i wasn’t ugly skjdfn53. Favourite makeup brand?whom. 55. Favourite blog?clexa-hsau.tumblr.com love that bitch. 57. Favourite food? listen ,,just one? no way. cuban food, all of it. love that shit. my blood is 95% plantains. chinese food is bomb. pasta? amazing. 59. First thing you ate this morning?spaghetti61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?no but i’ve had like CSI or whatever the fuck it was called. dont remember why lmao63. Ever been in love?i fall in love with girls all the time.   65. Are you hungry right now?,,,maybe. 67. Facebook or Twitter?tweeter. 69. Are you watching tv right now?im about to watch black-ish. 71. Craving something? What?honestly, a mcflurry. 73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?hell no im not 5 lol75. Favourite animal?dogs, so pure. lions. 77. Chocolate or Vanilla?porque no los dos. (depends on my mood tho) 79. What colour shirt are you wearing?black. a marvel tank. 81. Favourite tv show?parks and rec! orphan black is dope. the handsmaid tale as of lately bc it fucked me up. one day at a time. b99. 83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?there’s a sequel? dont know her. 85. Favourite character from Mean Girls?oh man, all of them lmao. 87. First person you talked to today?in person ,,my grandma. text? the groupchat. 89. Name a person you hate?my padre :))91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?maybe so. 

93. How many sweatpants do you have?at least like 9 man.95. Last movie you watched?the iron giant. djsdh it was on freeform this morning. 97. Favourite actor?men? dont know them. (chris evans tho. or hemsworth) 99. Have any pets?MY SON YOGI I LOVE HIM SM BUT HE’S SO ANNOYING. 101. Do you type fast?about 58 words per minute. 103. Can you spell well?decently i guess. 105. Ever been to a bonfire party?i have yeah. dope stuff. 107. Have you ever been on a horse?a few times! my first one tho i was like 3 in texas. the last time, i was in cuba. 109. Is something irritating you right now?yeah im lowkey irritated i turned down edibles but like ,,i better get this job. 111. Do you have trust issues?isnt this a question up there somewhere lol113. What was your childhood nickname?i ,,dont have one i think. 115. Do you play the Wii?nah bruh, xbox one. 117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?i do but the OG grandma one. 119. Favourite book?the potter series obvs. 121. Are you mean?im an asshole on occasion. 123. Can you keep white shoes clean?no lmao im a mess. 125. Do you believe in true love?i do. cant wait to find my wife thanks. 127. What makes you happy?i have depression am i ever Really happy. think on that 129. What your zodiac sign?scorpio. 131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?thats awk because he’s gay as fUCK too. 133. Favourite lyrics right now?all of this is me from the greatest showman. a gay anthem imo. 135. Dumbest lie you ever told?there’s some stupid ones man but i have a shitty ass memory. 137. How tall are you?5′8139. Brunette or Blonde?brunette. 141. Night or Day?night. 143. Are you a vegetarian?fuck thAt. 145. Tea or Coffee?im cuban ,,,what you think. dkjfs coffee. 147. Mars or Snickers?snickers. 149. Do you believe in ghosts?not necessarily. 

[seafoampeach]

The Greatest Showman

It's been awhile since I saw this movie and since I’ve had time to truly think about it, I just wanna write down what I think. If you enjoyed this movie,I did but I have more respect for movie making, or are some defend to the death fan, this is not the review for you. There's a good reason why the critics didn't like this movie, and that's because it was bad. Like, real bad. 

The best place to start is always the beginning. The opening to the film was very strong and extremely promising, and by that I mean the first forty seconds or so. Just like the rest of the movie, as soon as the base dropped it was just generic and disappointing. A real shame since I think everyone can agree Hugh Jackman was killing it. 

The exposition was solid, showing Hugh Jackman/Barnum’s life up until the actual meat of the story. Id come in thinking this movie was going to be about the circus, but at least the first hour give or take was just Barnum's childhood and his relationship with his wife. Fine by me, it was nicely done to show his and her characters as loving parents and how he is driven to provide for his family. The scene that really stood out for me in this section though was when the woman gave young Hugh Jackman an apple when he was out on the street. Any good writer would bring that back in a character, that's an act of kindness that clearly didn't go unnoticed. It got its own screen time, it must be important? Right? She looked like an outcast maybe that's connected to why he starts the circus! No, you will never see this woman or hear her spoken about ever again. It was just a pointless waste of time. 

Instead, Hugh Jackman tries opening a museum when he loses his job, but oh no nobody cares and instead of bringing back that act of kindness from forever ago its his child that suggests he gets “live things” in his museum. Okay, that's a pretty legit suggestion. Why he thinks of “freaks” is never explained but he does and starts to recruit acts.

This is where the movie starts to derail.

About halfway into the film we meet the actual circus performers, the outcasts. Except we don't ever really meet them. We see their faces and they sing for us but dont ever expect to actually get to know anything about these people because you never will. Basically we’re just told that these people are outcasts an nobody accepts them. But we’re never shown that. Its the classic case of show don't tell. 

Now, what do I mean by that? We meet the bearded lady first? I think? Whose name I couldn't remember but she was played by the wonderful Keala Settle. (I don't remember anyone's name but Barnum, cause that's how much character they clearly had) We’re introduced to her working in a laundry factory with a bunch of other women. Hugh Jackman finds her because he hears her singing through a window and as soon as he enters the room all the women warn him to leave. He doesn't and find Keala washing in the back covered by a sheet. Now, this scene could've been a really good opportunity to show Keala’s struggle as a bearded lady. Everyone thinks she's ugly and all that. But it doesn't. Instead, when she’s revealed the ladies laugh and that's the end of it. Its not even that bad because immediately after Hugh Jackman is like ‘I think youre beautiful come to my circus’ and for some fucking reason she agrees even though she’s clearly self conscious and wouldn't want to be thrust in front of people but for the sake of the plot okay.

The only other character we get to see Hugh Jackman personally confront is the man with dwarfism played by Sam Humphrey. Not much happens to characterise Sam since its in a private place and actually, before that scene, Hugh Jackman had already seen him in public. Literally nobody said anything about his height, everyone just went about their day like there's nothing different about him. If you're going to try and make these people seem like outcasts, SHOW ME THAT. Don't just fucking tell me that they’re outcasts and expect me to believe it because to someone like me in twenty eighteen I don't look at someone like that and think ‘wow they're so weird and funny looking’. If you don't show me it in the movie, I'm not going to think it on my own. See the problem? 

Then there's a little time sequence where Hugh gathers all the other performers but none of them matter because they'll always be in the background unless they’re Zendaya or Keala. 

Then we get to meet Zac Efron, who isn't that bad but doesn't really do anything substantial in the film except fall in love with Zendaya for no reason. Anyways, we meet him at some play thing where Hugh Jackman talks about how he admires his work and the Zac Efron compliments his work and they bro it out enough to go get drinks together where Hugh tries to convince him to join the circus business with him. From what I remember I think Hugh wants his status? Or something? And Zac Efron wants to be free from all these elitists and together they re hash the song “I Don't Dance” from High School Musical 2. 

Zac Efron agrees to join the circus after a drunk debate and that's that. All that stuff he sang about, all the things he worries about, it doesn't matter because none if it comes back to haunt him the rest of the movie. 

Which brings me to the one scene that pisses me off. It's a bit of a jump ahead so to back up a moment, Zac Efron and Zendaya have this forced relationship which we never really get to see at all. They had this laughably cheesy love at first sight moment when Zac first walks into the circus theater and then nothing ever happens between them, except I think the writer just wanted you to assume there was?? I have no idea and I hate it. I want to love these characters, but they’re non-existent and so is their relationship. 

In fact Zendaya character is even more non existent than Kealas. For starters shes given me no reason to assume shes an outcast in this society other than the fact that she's black. Her only reason to be part of this group of people is because she's black, but, because this movie for some reason doesn't want to talk about race shes given no motivation for being here. Not once is someone outwardly racist to her (Except in the scene that pisses me off which Ill get to in a moment). That's so out of the time period! Do you see why this is such a confusing mess? On one hand the writer wants it to be the late eighteen hundreds cause that's when the story takes place, but on the other they want it to resonate with the twenty seventeen audience. So basically they want to make outcasts in the eighteen hundreds, but don't want to acknowledge why they’re outcasts in the eighteen hundreds. News flash, its racism, sexism, and bigotry. Apparently we can't write anything like that in twenty seventeen because people will just get offended. Fuck off whoever wrote this and get the balls to give it the depth it needs. 

The one time that someone is outwardly racist to Zendaya's character is when shes on a little date with Zac Efron and he meets up with his parents walking opposite ways on the stairs. His parents express concern for him and then call Zendaya “the help”. Which makes sense for the time and is clearly racist, but like really? That's it? And then Zendaya doesn't even get the scene! She gets upset and storms off which gives the scene over to Zac Efron and his struggle with his parents rather than Zendaya's struggle as a black woman in the fucking eighteen hundreds! 

I just cant be sympathetic for characters I don't know. These people don't feel real, their struggles feel synthetic and tacked on as their only attribute. Some might think that the protesters are an accurate portrayal of how their treated in society. I disagree. The protesters aren’t protesting the performers, they’re protest the show, which leads me to believe that they care for the performers. I know that's not true and that's not what I'm supposed to be lead to believe. Just some more bad writing. 

This war between the two plots, the Barnum life plot and the performers life plot, makes this movie a confusing struggle to watch and the longer it went on the more I just found myself gagging and just wanting to walk out of the theater because it wasn't worth the rest of my time. 

Especially with Rebecca Ferguson's character whos an opera singer who doesn't sing any opera. She is the most pointless character in the entire movie. You could remove her from the movie entirely and it would still be the same movie. 

We’re introduced to her when Hugh Jackman and Zac Efron go to meet the queen and have a fancy dinner and Hugh manages to convince her hes fancy enough to host a show for her in America. She agrees and they have the show and she kills it with the only decent song in the movie because it's the least generic pop song out of all of them. Even over the ‘This is Me’ song which is completely random for its placement in the movie and doesn't drive home the message it's trying to because, psa for writers, to have a powerful message you need to start with powerful characters. I want to feel for these characters, I really do. Kealas voice is so emotional and passionate but I can't get behind it because the song was poorly timed and generic and also none of the performers have character. 

Woah, going off on a tangent a little, but back to Rebecca Ferguson. Her character had two purposes for the plot that I could figure out. One being the scandal with her and Hugh Jackman to create a rift between him and his wife which was..stupid. I have no better word for it because why the fuck did she think they were going to fall in love? Like bitch hes a married man and this is a business trip why are you making a move? Not only did she make an inappropriate move on Hugh Jackman, but she got fucking upset when he refused her too. Like what did you expect to happen? Honestly what did you expect? Then she proves shes a bitch by forcing herself on him and creating the scandal after their picture gets taken when she kisses him. 

Of course said picture gets in the papers and for a moment I perked up and thought ‘oh finally some plot drama’ I was desperate for anything good. But don't get too excited. You might think ‘oh no his wife is going to see that and leave him because he's cheating’. Yes, that does happen. For about twenty minutes. Then they sing a song together and everything's fine and the scandal is never brought up again. Apparently nobody cared and everything is sunshine and rainbows. 

Except! For plot point number two that Rebecca's character provided which was the rift between Hugh Jackman and the performers. Which, I don't know why they thought he should be around twenty four seven because clearly hes a businessman why would he just hang around. But anyways, the performers get a little miffed when he chooses Rebecca Ferguson over them to make money. Literally nothing happens with this plot point.

The performers are shown being angry with him and his choices, but they never try to confront him about it! Barnum is never challenged as a character because nobody challenges him. Everything just works out in the end. He comes back after leaving Rebecca Ferguson in the dust and it's like nothing changed. The performers just forgive him and when the theater burns down they all have some cheesy heart to heart like nothing wrong ever happened. Nobody ever confronts anybody and everything is happy and right because family or something.

Making Rebecca Fergusons character a pointless waste of time because both of her reasons for existing in the plot are POINTLESS. 

Which brings me to my final points about the movie that mostly centers around the fact that none of these “characters” change in any substantial way. The main character, Hugh Jackman, always has everything work out in the end no matter how shitty hes been and everyone just forgives him unconditionally. The performers never really had any tangible obstacles to overcome. The audience was constantly told that they had soooo many hardships in life, but was never shown that on screen or even in dialogue. There was absolutely nothing for these characters to apparently overcome. Which is just boring.

The historical accuracy was non existent. There was no racism or sexism or anything of the like. I don't like seeing that as much as the next guy, but if that's the time period..that's the time period. You can keep it tasteful and accurate and still relatable. 

Tacked onto that is also the music. It was disappointing and too modern. Like I get bringing modern into the past, but at least make it something innovative. Not just generic pop songs that were put through the Fall Out Boy factory and supposed to be “so emotional”. 

This movie is jumbled and confused and lacking in a lot of areas. Its hollow where I'm supposed to feel empowered and its shallow where I want it to be meaningful.

Basically, I can see where the critics are coming from. This movie is garbage with a lot of wasted potential. Why did it do good with audiences then? Probably because they're just looking for good entertainment. This movie did that. Surface level entertainment and nothing more. But for a critic? Someone whos seen so many movies good and bad and know the ins and outs of a truly magical movie, this was bad and held nothing of value. 

Such a shame because it was such a good premise. 

[seanakstew]

the realities of living with anxiety. anxiety is something that is so largely sugarcoated in our society. now that mental illness is trendy, and suicide is a common theme among internet memes, the concept of "anxiety" has been diluted to mean simply being nervous. this is not so. i live with anxiety every day of my life. seeing people make light of it and use it as a common everyday verb invalidates something that i struggle with on such a deep, disabling level. i would like to share how an average day goes for me, and the continuous intrusive thoughts that make getting through the day *that* much harder. i wake up to my alarm going off. there are about 10 seconds of peace until the anxiety sets in. before i shut my alarm off i have convinced myself that everyone i know and love has decided to abandon me overnight. i dread turning my phone over in the fear of seeing "i can't do this anymore" messages. eventually the sound of "24k magic" gets to be too much so i shut my phone off. 99.9% of the time, there are no breakup texts. i will still worry tomorrow, though. i am getting ready for my day. i am visualizing how it is going to go. i think about all the potential things that could go wrong. i have plans with friends later, but they haven't confirmed them yet. "they realize they hate me. they're trying to get out of it." i leave my house and walk towards the train. i pass by a woman running. "she thinks i'm fat. she thinks she's better than me. that woman has it together and i could barely get out of bed. why do i bother." i pass by a man who i briefly make eye contact with. "he's going to hurt me. no, victims are pretty girls, i'm safe. i am uneasy, still." i get on the train and pick a seat near the door. i immediately worry people will think i am taking space away from handicapped people and that i am rude. i move towards the top of the train. there's a group of four sitting across from me. they are dressed in jerseys and laughing. "they're laughing at me. they have fun plans and i am alone. they pity me and think i'm pathetic." i get off the train and go to starbucks. i feel hungry. the newly implemented laws about calorie display cause me to rethink my order. i order a latte in a hushed voice, fearful the man in the suit behind me will judge my 300 calorie beverage of choice. "you really think you need that? don't you care about your health?" i can hear his thoughts in my head. i arrive at my doctors office. the receptionists don't even ask my name anymore. they know me. "why is she here again?" i feel ashamed. "she must be really fucked up" is that a welcoming smile or a pity smile? i assume the latter. my doctor welcomes me into the office. i am wasting their time. i don't have problems. i am distracting them from important people. they are frustrated with me. "how have you been?" - bad. i'm doing very bad. "oh, great!!" - i am a liar. "are the meds working out for you?" - i have migraines that last 6 hours. don't mention that. suck it up. she doesn't have time for your complaints. "they're good! i'm feeling a lot better" - i am a liar "i'm glad. let's keep your dosage the same and check in soon." all i hear is that this visit was pointless. i leave my doctors office and hold in tears in the elevator. a well dressed woman enters the elevator as well. she's wondering why i'm in this building, i know she is. i dont belong here. she thinks my outfit is ugly. why did i leave my house with my hair looking like this. i have time to kill. i check my phone. my friends have texted me. i breathe a sigh of relief, knowing that today is not the day everyone gives up on me. they didn't put an emojii when they normally do. they added punctuation. something feels off. they hate me and they're distancing themselves slowly. "ask for validation" no. you are annoying. you are crazy. stop asking so much of your friends. i order food. the woman behind the counter judges my choices, i'm sure of it. my calories are staring me in the face again. i never want to eat again. i need to lose 50 pounds and the woman behind the counter agrees. my friend is late. they didn't want to come. they didn't want to see me. i shouldn't have asked to hang out. they are busy. why would anyone want to spend time with me anyway? i am the worst. "hey" "hey!!" "how r u" "i'm good, let's go do the thing we planned to do" don't mention how bad you're feeling. don't mention how bad you're feeling. don't mention how bad you're feeling. they don't care and you're a burden. nobody has fun with you. i am back home. i am in bed. i contemplate posting on social media. "you know everyone you went to high school with hates you. i bet they screenshot all your posts and talk about how annoying you are." i decide to post tomorrow. maybe i can talk to my friends. "your friends are busy with their lives you needy bitch. if they wanted to talk to you, they would be. just isolate yourself, that's what everyone wants" i close my eyes. i know i'm supposed to fall asleep now. it's far too late to be awake. my mind is racing. i hope the woman running forgot about me. i hope they people on the train forgot about me. i hope the man at starbucks forgot about me. i hope the receptionist and my doctor forgot about me. i hope the woman at the food counter forgot about me. i hope my friend doesn't hate me now. they hate me now. i was annoying. i was selfish. i should apologize. i try to sleep but i toss and turn. nightmares wake me up. i take sleeping pills. i take more sleeping pills. then i wake up. and do it all again. THIS is life with anxiety. please, stop glamorizing and normalizing such an incredibly self destructive illness.