#seasonal depression plus not taking my meds for a week

[singlethread]

Like I know why I feel like this but it’s still so frustrating

[bihansthot]

I’m having a dilemma, I don’t know whether or not to get a commission of the egg hatching or save my money for a tattoo. I’m finally talking to an artist that does wonderful pet tattoos about a memorial piece for Jäger. I’m going to be bold and get a big one on the front of my left thigh, I wear short shorts all summer long despite being older than dirt so I feel the placement is good because I can see it often. It’s hopefully going to be a German Shepherd with angel wings surrounded by stars, I’m obsessed with stars and it will tie into my chest piece that way. I think I’m going to save for my tattoo so we’ll have to use our imagination for the egg announcement when it comes which will be very soon, I just hate August so I want to wait until September which I think is fine because who the hell knows how long Zaterrans take to hatch lol If anyone wants to do a bad doodle though feel free! I can afford to tip Ko-fis. The artist doesn’t open their bookings again until October/November so I won’t be able to get my tattoo for a little while but it’s nice to look forward to! I will of course post pictures when I get it done ahh I can’t wait for Fall, Fall and Winter are my favorite time of the year and I finally won’t be so depressed. I have SADs but unlike most people Summer is the season that triggers it, but this hideous season is almost over and the weather is really mild right now so I’m enjoying some fresh air. My partner got home just fine last night so things are back to normal, I have a check in with my psychiatrist tomorrow morning to keep my meds on schedule. I have an echo and check up with my cardiologist next week and a check in with my former GP’s nurse practitioner at the end of the month and then I think I finally don’t have any appointments until October! Woohoo!! Speaking of October my bestie and I are trying to work out meeting in Nashville to see Kard together, she lives in Atlanta and I don’t think I’ve seen her in 12 years? We live on opposite sides of the country which is difficult since we’ve been inseparable since I was 14, she’s my Hanzo friend haha the one I used to role play with all the time. She said she could drive up to Nashville and see the concert with me so hopefully that will happen, bestie plus BM’s tiddies sounds amazing. I need to actually call her and start planning things out because tickets are already on sale but last weekend my mental health was in the toilet because of Jäger’s anniversary so I’ll have to wait until this weekend to call her, I feel guilty calling during the week because she works long hours. So yeah that’s what’s going on in my little world, anything exciting happening with you loves??

[kaija-rayne-author]

I finished Baldur's Gate 3 and immediately started another playthrough. Modded this time.

My polyam mod is definitely working and I'm apparently incapable of disappointing Karlach. So I guess I have a 5 way vs a 4. I was gonna Romance just the chaotic and evil leaning characters this go round.

Why do I have a feeling she's gonna end up hating this durge character of mine cause they're non-resistant? So, uh, probably gonna get my heart broken.

I've also been lovingly blessed with the flu because some selfish assholes seem to think giving immunocompromised people viruses is a great gift. /s (There are millions of immunocompromised people since covid, and even depression or anxiety makes you immunocompromised. I'm not a rare bird in that sense. If you're old or pregnant you're also immunocompromised. Surprise!)

I've been morbidly sick for 9 days and while it's slowly easing off, it's average that it takes me 6 weeks to fully kick influenza.

And our vaccinations were scheduled for this week. Because only older folks could get them before then.

I've watched Vox Machina during the days I could basically just stare at something, and gods, I really love it. Looking forward to the next season.

Hollyweird is finally figuring out D&D! It only took them, what, 30 plus years and gods know how many awful attempts at shows and movies?

Anyone know of anything else like it? I've seen the d&d movie, uh, 3x, and loved that too. (Yes, I'm aware of what critical role is, I have absolutely zero interest in watching them. Books, games, movies/shows, those I can enjoy, but watching someone else I don't know play a game I could be playing doesn't work for me.)

Anyway, sorry for the radio silence. I was sewing like a fiend for eldest's costume for Halloween. Partner has had both a major back surgery and a major mouth surgery just before getting sick. Then the kids and I got sick. The coughing is totally doing a great thing for partner's staples.

Yes, we asked the doc for tamiflu. No she didn't give it to us. And her secretary was a snarky ass about it. As if I ask for very much from them at all. Not impressed tbh. If I ask for something from my doc it's because I've researched it and feel it's actually necessary. I was pre-med ffs, and have medical adjacent degrees. I'm far from the regular person when it comes to things like that.

Uuuugh. Why can't people do others the simple gods damned courtesy of masking?

During the year most everyone was masking, everyone was healthier. Flu numbers were lower than they ever had been, cold viruses were low too. Why the fuck would anyone want to not mask after that example?

I'm historically sensitive to influenza for some reason. It takes me down hard and keeps me down for weeks. But even I didn't get the flu that year.

Why is knowingly getting others ill with your germs even remotely socially acceptable? Why?

Oh, right, 'muh feelings'. I have a panic attack every time I mask, and I still mask religiously every time I leave the house. I'm still always freaking sick because of other people's selfishness.

As a historian, I'll just say that this period of history will be judged incredibly harshly.

[stormiestories]

I know I've been gone for a while (with the exception of the @holdingforexo posts) but I'm making my way back. The last time I took the time to actually be on here was mid August, before that was early June.

I lost a lot of drive to keep my queues full when I changed jobs, mostly because I no longer work overnights at the gym where I did most of my doom scrolling. And part of it has to do with finding content to reblog. It’s no secret that I have a lot of kpop side blogs, they’re all tagged in my description, and each one focuses on a specific group. And while I post all members of each group, I tend to focus mostly on my biases.

I was getting frustrated looking for content because it always felt that I either was seeing the same 5 posts over and over again, or every other member but my bias had a lot more posts (even when digging through member specific tags (one of my biggest pet peeves is tagging all individual members of a group but only 1-2 are actually in the post)). I was also getting tired of Tumblr not working right when it comes to blocked tags. If I say I don’t want to see content tagged ‘xyz’, it should not be shown to me.

‘But Kae, why not make the content you want to see of your biases?’ Because I don’t have the time, energy, skill level, or equipment to do so. I’m a perfectionist. If I can’t make something 100% exactly like I see it in my mind on the first try, I give up and never want to try again. And I’d rather show my love to the content creators and mutuals who are able to make incredible gifs/edits/etc.

A few things have changed over the last few months. I’ve been in PT for my migraines since mid June and while it’s helped a little, it’s not enough. Turns out they’re caused by a compressed nerve in my neck. I’m going back to my PCP in a couple weeks to see if there’s something else we can try. I’ve also started therapy and taking meds for my depression, which have made me feel less foggy overall. Marching season also started up again, and while I love my guard kids, they are driving me crazy this year.

On the plus side, I got 5 new piercings and work is allowing us to do fashion colours again! And I’m taking a couple friends to their first kpop concert to see Enhypen on the 18th.

[the-vagabond-tabby]

finally got the bit of code I needed to make the business financial spreadsheet going (thanks Ernie!) so I've been working on getting that done

it's mostly tedious, which is fine

I've had a rough week -- my first-ever case of seasonal depression (usualy just having extra lights on is enough for me, but mostly we've had NO light after dark, UGH)

plus autistic burnout

turns out I really DO need my Things in their Places before I can Do the Stuff, & the setup I had in Tyrava was sufficient at least for daily maintenance, but what I've got here, even though I have a desk-like object, is NOT

mostly because I have to fold up all my blankets & my bed before I can sit down at my laptop. & I don't always WANT to have to fold up all my blankets & my bed, it's a pain in the ass, & then I have to set my bed back UP before I can get in it, it's EXTREMELY not okay

& when I don't fold up my bed, I don't sit at my desk, & when I don't sit at my desk, I don't take my morning meds.

which include my brain meds.

which makes the day after FUCKING SUCK.

I've missed my brain meds twice in the last week. My usual average rate for missing my brain meds is 'never'. Like, MAYBE once a year. If it's a bad year.

So we're gonna rearrange things here -- me & Jasper & CJ went to the storage place & got my desk, my bed, & various business furniture things.

The next day CJ has off, we're gonna move him downstairs, & me & the business upstairs.

I'm gonna be able to sleep IN MY BED.

I'm gonna be able to use MY DESK THAT IS MINE.

& I'll be able to have BOTH SET UP AT THE SAME TIME.

It's gonna be a pain in the ass, the space at the top of the ship's ladder isn't big enough for much to fit through, we're gonna hafta pull at least one sheet of floor plywood & probably two

it'll be worth it. I'll have my things set up right. EVERYONE will have more room

& the three people who have 'mess becomes invisible' type neurodiversity will all be in one space, & I'll be in a separate space, so when my 'mess makes it so I can't ANYTHING' type neurodiversity kicks in, I can CLEAN THINGS

but CJ's gotta work today, so I'll be working on the spreadsheet & generally catching up with Laptop Necessary Stuff

[wyrdify]

A bit of an explanation for the stronger depression because I’m an info-dumper, and this shift is boring as fuck right now anyway. Plus, I know it affects my ability to write, and, well, I haven’t done that in a while, which is what most of y’all follow my blogs for.

---

We’re gonna break it down into parts:

Seasonal depression. Winter tends to increase my depression overall due to less sunlight, colder temperatures, and more time indoors. This is something to check on for yourselves, by the way. 

Apartment bound. Save for the one night a week when I get to go to trivia, I am basically stuck in my apartment 24/7. We are working to get my car fixed to help remedy this problem, but I have not driven in over a year, and we’re entering the winter season in New England.

My soul-sucking job. I cannot emphasize this one enough. My hours just got cut again for the week of 12/11 when I was promised they wouldn’t be, and I’m going to have to scrounge around to get them back up to 28.75. That’s all I’m allowed to work, and that’s for $12.75/hour (minimum wage). Management is poor and retaliatory, coworkers/assistant managers micromanage me to death, I don’t get recognition or praise for the work I do---the list goes on. But, because I can’t drive myself anywhere, and other work-at-home jobs that aren’t strictly customer service are hard to come by, I have to stick with it.

December in general. It’s a hard month for my family. Eleven years ago this Christmas Eve is when my paternal grandmother passed away (maternal passed away last year in late November, and I wasn’t as close to her for various reasons). While the wound isn’t as fresh as it was when I was 21, it still fucking hurts, and I still have trauma related to this whole Christmas season that I’ve been trying to deal with. When your grandmother was the center of your family, and she was the one who made Christmas a big deal at her house, the holidays lose a lot of their cheer. 

I have bipolar depression (bipolar II). If you want to learn more about what that means, Mayo Clinic does a decent breakdown here about bipolar in general. I’ve had this since I was at least in my teen years---that’s when I remember the depression getting worse, at least---but I wasn’t diagnosed until a couple of months ago. It means that when I hit a low, I hit a low, and I can stay in it for days to weeks at a time. Hypomania? Lasts maybe a few days if I’m lucky. Then there are the mixed episodes, also known as depression with the energy to act on it (for me, at least).

I’m not out to my in-laws. Because these are the holidays, I’m spending more time around them. I love my in-laws, but they are staunch conservative Catholics, and I’m not out to them as nonbinary. I get misgendered (not intentionally) a lot when I’m around them, and it’s hard. I’m sure a lot of my gender-nonconforming friends here can relate.

---

What I’m doing about each of these things:

Seasonal depression: Being aware of it, turning lights on, and staying on top of my diet.

Apartment bound: Working on getting my car fixed (husband is researching tires), finding opportunities to get out when possible.

My soul-sucking job: Just taking it one day at a time, venting here and there, keeping my head down, doing the bare minimum work wise*, focusing on what I can control, continuing to look for other jobs, working on a loan repayment plan to get my FAFSA done to get college restarted so I can work on an MLIS, not responding to work emails or slack messages while not on shift.

*paying minimum wage = minimum effort

December in general: Acknowledging the grief, communicating about it and when it’s hitting harder, not pushing myself too much. Also going to try and decorate the apartment for Christmas to get some of that holiday cheer in.

Bipolar II: Educating myself on my disorder, therapy, medication (and working with my med manager), tracking my sleep, journaling, writing poetry, tracking my moods.

Not Out to my In-Laws: Husband and I need to find a time to talk to his mom alone about it, and that’s probably not gonna happen for a bit. So, I’m tabling it for now.

---

Doing all of these things doesn’t change that the depressive episode is still hitting hard right now. It was super bad yesterday, and I’m sort of crawling out of it just now. I’m still going to isolate for the time being, especially since I have the Bioshock collection to distract me for a bit (started yesterday, and whoo boy it’s a trip so far). 

I’ll respond to discord messages when I get the energy, and my brain stops being snappy. That’s one part of depression no one likes, and it’s one reason I isolate: I can be mean, and I don’t want to be mean to my friends. My brain goes “Lol no one’s listening to/they’re ignoring you anyway, so go isolate.” You know, that leftover toxic thinking from being raised by abusive parents where I had to scream for even slight acknowledgment. Super fun. I’m working on challenging it, but, in the meantime, I just step away and not talk so I don’t say something mean. 

Anyway, this got longer than I thought it would, and I got distracted several times by work. Thanks for reading if you did. Have Vincent sitting on the internet as a reward.

[aromanticmara]

wait actually erin @onlyonebison you have inspired me to give my opinions on every season. (this got super long so i’m putting it under a cut)

🌸 ok so spring. i love the later part of spring once the buds have sprouted. but that being said the beginning is sooo hopeful with the tiny green buds because ik its going to grow and everything will look alive again. the only con of spring is my allergies but wearing masks has helped and i start building up my allergy meds now so they’re not so bad! oh spring is my 2nd fav season 10/10 love.

☀️ ok ok ok summer my one true love!!! summer is so free and happy for me! yes it is hot as hell but i go to my neighborhood pool when it’s super hot and don’t go outside during the hot parts of the day bc north carolina heat sun can actually be dangerous 🥵. anyways i mostly spend my time outside at night or in the morning bc it’s so different but i love them both. summer at night is less hot without the sun and it’s nice to just wear a tank top and shorts and walk around my neighborhood. it’s super safe and well lit and i always bring my dog with me and walk with a friend and i’ve made so many memories with doing this. mutuals we r hypothetically doing this ok. and summer mornings are so peaceful. when i used to do swim team at 5am it would be dark out and the area around the outdoor pool would be quiet. we’d do land workouts around 7am and you could hear the world wake up and it was so nice. but now i wake up early and take my dog to the backyard and stand in the grass and listen. just listen because no one’s awake for school and you can hear everything waking up and start to make noise. it’s great i highly recommend it to anybody who can do it. and there’s no school which is always a plus lol. summer 1st fav season 1000/10

🍁 fall. it’s pretty good. i don’t have much to say so this will be short and sweetish. fall is so fun but school starts which -1 point. it’s nice and cool in the nights and you can stand outside in a jacket. the breezes here are a nice break from the summer suns and it makes my hair move which makes me feel fancy :0. the leaves are the prettiest things i’ve ever seen but they fall in 2 weeks here. um the only other negative that is really just a personal thing is the looming haunting of winter. as fall progresses everything slowly dies or goes to sleep and it makes me sad. 8.9/10 3rd fav fun fun not much more to say.

❄️ winter. oh oh loathe loathe i’m sorry mutuals who love winter but it’s so sad here. literally idk if it’s my seasonal depression or school or swim but something makes me hate winter more than anything. winter is only enjoyable here if it snows bc no school. all the trees are dead and naked and it looks so sad bc all our pines are on the other side of town that we never go to. it’s super freaking cold here and fluctuates every day. it could be 25f one day then 64f the next day. i think i’d enjoy winter if it was in florida or something because it’d feel like fall here but north carolina got the short end of the stick with winter. ok sorry winter loving mutuals i’ll end this here 🙏. tldr: dead and cold AND ICY. 1/10 no :( least fav

[beauty-grace-outer-space]

you mentioned something a little while back about trauma anniversaries? would you be comfortable explaining what it means and what its about?

Sure thing. 

So.. trauma anniversaries are complicated, and vary from person to person, but the general idea is that when one experiences a traumatic event (or events, plural, centered around a specific time period), the brain/body stores that information and (as with other PTSD reactions) sometimes has an uncontrollable and unpredictable response to it. 

“Many trauma survivors experience challenging “anniversary reactions,”  which are defined as ‘unique set[s] of unsettling feelings, thoughts or memories that occur on the anniversary of a significant experience.’ When a survivor finds themselves in the midst of a trauma anniversary, they often are forced to re-live feelings from the traumatic event, causing symptoms like increased anxiety, depression, trouble sleeping, loss of appetite, nightmares, and irritable outbursts.”

Our bodies hold on to trauma in an effort to protect us, but sometimes those signals get mixed and bad feelings get tied to a time period, which is not particularly useful in most cases. 

This time of year makes me a bit wonky in general, with the changing of the seasons and the temperature drop, but October is also an anniversary for an event that changed my life and dramatically impacted my mental health... and I didn’t realize that it was affecting me until I was already deep in it this go round. 

I hate talking about it like this, because of the age old dichotomy of “it wasn’t that bad” and “it was bad enough and it’s affecting me”. I’m still working on accepting this stuff without falling into the mental trap that I’m “whining about nothing” and that “other people have it worse”. They do. Someone always does. But that doesn’t mean that the stuff that’s happened to me isn’t bad. 

I don’t know how much information you’re looking for, or if you’re asking about my experience specifically, but I’m still a bit off so what the hell. 

I already have issues with fall and the beginning of the school year for various reasons that I won’t go into. So this time of year is always tricky. But...

For those who don’t already know, five years and fifteen days ago, I called my grandmother and she told me she was going to kill herself. I was the only one home, I had just turned 23 years old two weeks beforehand, she had told me she was having a hard time affording some things, and I had offered to make her an appointment with a therapist and with a new primary care physician and to pay for it all so she could keep taking her medication. 

I called to ask her what day might work for an appointment so I could take the time off work, pick her up, take her to lunch, and then drive her to the appointment, and she told me she was going to kill herself. She told me she had been saving up her pills, and that’s why she hadn’t been taking them. She told me she had discussed it with my grandfather, and that he knew and was ok with it, and they were going through their belongings so there would be “less for him to deal with” once she was gone and that she was “surprised I hadn’t caught on sooner”. 

I kept her on the phone, kept her talking on my cell, and grabbed the home phone to start calling anyone I could think of. My mom, my dad, my aunt (with whom I had only reconciled five days before-- big misunderstanding, but still a lot), my mom’s cousin... no one would answer. 

By the time my mom got home, I had been on the phone with my grandmother for over an hour, mid panic attack, and I was hyperventilating so hard I couldn’t see and I couldn’t stand. Your limbs go all tingly when you don’t retain enough carbon dioxide, and I remember trying to walk to her and collapsing. I gasped out an explanation, my mom took the reins, and we were able to get in touch with my aunt and get the necessary medical professionals on hand to give my grandmother a psychiatric evaluation and put her on a 72 hour hold. 

We were at the hospital until nearly 4 in the morning before a nurse told us that they legally couldn’t release my grandmother because the doctor had mandated a three day safety hold, and that we should go home and get some rest. By the time we made it home, there was a message on our answering machine that a county examiner had released her and there was nothing more they could do. 

I found out later, much later, that she had never stopped taking her meds. She’d never said a word to my grandfather. She had no intention of killing herself. She wanted a reaction from me, and she got one. She called my cousins and told them I was a liar. She called family members who have never even met me and told them how awful I am, and that I make things up for attention.

I waited a little over a week to call her. I recorded the call, so that I’d have proof if I needed it. It’s still on my harddrive somewhere. Two plus hours of her calling me a liar, telling me that conversation never happened, telling me that she’s ashamed of me, that she hopes no one in their right mind ever loves me because I’m a monster, that she pities my friends and anyone who has the misfortune of knowing me because I’ll stab them in the back too as soon as I want some attention. The list goes on and on. 

That continued for a while. Whether or not it’s true, when someone you love tells you things over and over again, you can’t help but wonder. 

I started having dreams that she was hitting me, and that people were letting her do it. I started having dreams that I was in a loving, committed relationship but came home one day to a seething partner who had just gotten off the phone with her and realized I was a worthless liar, and of them, too, turning abusive. I started having dreams that I was alone at the bottom of a deep, dark hole, and no one could hear me or try to get me out. 

She decided one day that we were going to pretend nothing had ever happened, and I was forced to play along. All the while she’d still call and say awful things to me, then show up at family gathering like nothing was wrong. She’d say one thing to me, another to my family, and call me a liar to my face and behind my back. She kept telling friends and family that I was being abusive and manipulative to her. 

It hit the point that I truly, genuinely couldn’t remember what she had said in that initial call, and I worried I had made it all up. Gaslighting at it’s finest. 

It’s taken years to realize it, but every interaction I had with her following that date has been either abuse or manipulation. She spent months and months refusing to speak to me unless it was to tell me how horrible I am, then like flipping a switch one day I came home and there was a gift on my front porch from her. She’d ease up for a while, then suddenly be awful again. My entire life, she had always been the epitome of a perfect grandma... she’d take me on outings, buy me little gifts, bake with me at the holidays, sing songs with the grandkids, loved playing with us, we’d talk for hours on the phone, they came to dinner frequently. And now... it’s like a veil has been lifted and she’s unrecognizable.

I tried to maintain a relationship with her. She screamed at everyone at Easter a few years back that her silverware was more important to her than a relationship with me. I kept trying. She told a lawyer that my mom and I had “stolen her medical records” and were “forcing her to have medical procedures against her will”. I kept trying. She threatened to send a police officer to our house, accusing me of stealing. I kept trying. 

And finally, last fall, I called to wish her a happy birthday, she began a tangent, and I realized I was so tired. I asked her outright if she wanted a relationship with me. She told me she couldn’t be bothered to think about it. I haven’t spoken to her since. 

That one phone call cost me so, so much. I lost my relationship with my grandmother and my grandfather, by extension. Other family members have questioned if I’m lying to them, or if I made things up. I’ve questioned if I made things up. 

In the midst of all of this, my father also completely shifted and I don’t know why. He started picking fights with me, almost constantly. If I tried to change the subject, I was too stupid to have a discussion. If I stayed silent, I clearly knew I was wrong. If I said anything in reply, I was lying. He throws things, when he’s mad. He kicks things. He used to punch walls. My mom has since said to me that if she had any idea that he would turn into this person, she wouldn’t have married him. Sometimes he’s great, sometimes he’s awful. I never know which version I’ll be dealing with. 

I’ve spent nearly five straight years in therapy trying to deal with this. My original goal was not to hate my grandmother, or my father. It had to adapt to not hating myself because of what they said to me. 

So October is hard. Because October is when my mind and body unconsciously remember things changing. Relationships I’d always counted on turned abusive. Nothing I said or did was safe. It’s dangerous. 

I blew past the actual anniversary just feeling sort of... jittery. I’ve spent a few weeks feeling withdrawn and anxious and not knowing why. I had a noticeable uptick in old thought patterns and intrusive thoughts about self worth, self harm, etc. 

Whether or not it’s logical, whether or not it makes sense... my self preservation has locked onto this time of year as unsafe, and it falls into old patterns in an attempt at protection. Old patterns include anxiety, difficulty eating regularly, issues with self worth, withdrawing from others, emotions very close to the surface, and a few other things. 

And that’s where I’m at. 

I’m ok, and I’ll be ok. I’ve got some experience dealing with this under my belt now, and I still see my therapist regularly. I’m talking to her next week. At the moment, I’m just trying to take care of me however it makes sense, and not doing anything dangerous or dumb. 

So... that’s what I mean by trauma anniversary. 

[theritualofourexistence]

[hyper]tension

There are so many things I could be writing about right now. 

I’ve chosen to stick with one of the things I know best for this post.

Did you guess “body image issues and the problem of narrowly defining the concept of health?” 

If so: a cookie for you! 

A handful of pictures popped up in my Timehop from 12 whole years ago that gave me pause the other day.

Sometimes when I see older pictures of myself I am overwhelmed by how different I look now... in a bad way. I see myself in those pictures as thin and beautiful and I see myself now as a sausage monster stuffed into bike shorts. 

The more I sit with and work on my body image issues, the more I have noticed healthier thinking habits developing. Let me be clear, this has been an incredibly slow process. But seeing those changes is something I am really encouraged by... and it makes the every day body image fight have some measurable value. 

I can say with confidence that, at 200 pounds, my body image is currently the best it has ever been.

That has nothing to do with the specific number on the scale and everything to do with working really hard over a lot of years to understand that neither “beauty” or “health” are inherently defined as “thin.” A fundamental pillar of that understanding is that you cannot separate mental health from the concept of general health. 

Mainstream culture does this. 

Mainstream culture wants you to believe that it’s your weight or your BMI that determines whether or not you are healthy.

That is bullshit. 

Here are the pictures of me from 12 years ago. We were moving my high school boyfriend into his freshman dorm for his first year of college. I don’t think any of the people in these photos will mind me sharing them in the context of this blog post. 

I am *THIN* in these pictures.

I am 17.

Apart from a very clear warning sign that I was already developing horrible posture, I noticed a couple of things right away about these pictures when I was looking at them the other day.

My shirt is a size small or extra small. 

I am holding my arm across my stomach in the fourth picture because I do not think I am *thin enough* to be wearing that shirt. 

I may have been a thin 17-year-old. But I was not healthy.

I was physically fit.

I played soccer for three out of four seasons of the year.

But I was not healthy.

I know I wasn’t healthy because I was about to embark on my senior year of high school during which I would, at times, only allow myself one and a half meals per day. Sometimes that one meal would be pasta. Other times that one meal would be a bag of dark chocolate peanut M&Ms and a Mountain Dew. Other times it would be a gallon of strawberries. Other times it would be a family pack of Twizzlers.

My body in those pictures might look healthy. 

But appearance is not an appropriate indicator of health. 

The two times in my adult life that I have been the thinnest have also been the times in my life where I have struggled the most with body image and disordered eating. 

After I escaped the abusive relationship of my freshman year of college, I gained around 20 pounds.

The following summer, I exercised for an hour every day and ate only pickles and Greek yogurt (separately, of course, don’t be gross). 

I lost 30 pounds.

That was also not healthy.

Fast forward a handful of years to 2015. 

I start an anti-depressant. 

Over the course of the next two years I gain around 50 pounds.

Today, in the spirit of full disclosure (and because the numbers don’t mean shit), my weight fluctuates between 190 and 200. 

I am obese.

A mathematical algorithm used to determine BMI has labeled me “obese.” 

My clothing sizes vary day to day thanks to IBS-related bloating but I’m somewhere around a 14-16. 

Do you know the cut-off for plus sizes? 

It’s 14. 

So, I am an obese, plus-sized woman.

The numbers aren’t very polite, are they?

Within the last two years I was diagnosed with severe iron-deficiency anemia.

I committed to correcting that with a number of lifestyle changes including taking supplements and adding iron-heavy foods to my diet. I took Vitamin C to boost my absorption. On days I took the supplement I had no coffee, no tea, no dairy, and no acid-reducer meds. In 6 very committed months, I resolved my iron issues, for the most part. We have since learned that the daily stomach medicine I take may be affecting my iron absorption so, although I am no longer taking supplements, I am taking a daily vitamin to help maintain a healthy level of iron. 

That story is about health.

I had a health issue and I developed a strategy to resolve the issue, being sure to consider my mental health as well. 

I have worked really, really hard to consider my HEALTH instead of my WEIGHT.

This obese, plus-sized woman exercises for around an hour every day. She does not drink alcohol or soda. She is aware of what she eats and is careful to eat when she’s hungry and stop when she’s full. 

One of the ways I know my thinking is healthier is that when I look at bathing suits on Target’s website, I have started to consider their plus-sized models “normal.” 

The average size of an American woman based on the most recent data is between sizes 18 and 20. 

I spent over twenty years unable to see an average-sized woman as beautiful.

Even though the clothing industry has labeled me “plus-sized,” if anything, I am “slightly less than average-sized.” 

In this post, I’m sure my thinking seems sort of piece-meal and disconnected.

In my head, thin-ness and health and body image and eating and exercise and cultural interpretations of beauty are all smashed into one big Frankenstein’s creation. 

For a long, long time I did not consider plus-sized or average-sized women to be beautiful solely because they were not thin.

When I was thin (and not healthy), I know that I considered people of that size, the average size, to be unhealthy.

I am at a point in my life where my habits are the healthiest they have been and my mental health regarding my body image is also the healthiest it has been.

And I weigh 200 pounds. 

You cannot look at a person and have any idea how healthy they are. 

You cannot look at a BMI or a number on a scale and judge a person’s health accordingly. 

I have worked with people who are suicidal who are thin and people who are suicidal who are not thin.

Health cannot be separated from mental health.

Can you be too thin? Absolutely. Your body needs a certain amount of fat and muscle to function properly. Can you be too big? Absolutely. Risks for all kinds of delightfully chronic and fatal conditions increase with weight gain.

Can you be big and be healthy? Yes. 

I know because I am those things.

If you exercise, if you are aware of what you eat and are careful to not over-eat, if you get the vitamins you need, if you prioritize balancing mental health and physical health, if you get enough sleep, “healthy” is within reach for everyone. 

If I ever write a book, it will be about balancing mental health and physical health. Because for basically my entire adult life, I’ve focused on one or the other and that does not work. I promise that if I do write a book, it’ll be better organized than this zig-zaggy blog post.

We have to push back against the cultural tendency to keep mental health separate from our definitions of general health. 

We have to push back against the cultural tendency to define health by how a person looks.

You are not “healthy” if you are not physically healthy.

But you are also not “healthy” if you are not mentally healthy.

And sometimes, especially if you have a tendency toward body dysmorphia or disordered eating, the healthiest option is not to focus on weight loss or buy into a fad diet plan. 

I am not trying to lose weight.

I am trying to be healthy.

And, you could argue, I’m not trying to lose weight BECAUSE I am trying to be healthy.

Trying to lose weight feeds mental illness for me. And that is not healthy.

This blog post is brought to you by a lot of years of working really hard to understand myself. My specific approach to managing my health may not work for you, but I challenge anyone reading this to take a moment and think about whether or not you are giving balanced consideration to physical and mental health. Because, even if our specific situations are different, balancing mental and physical health is the only path to being healthy. For me, for you, for everyone.

This blog post is also brought to you by a new health hurdle that has been laid in my lap over the past few weeks.

I have high blood pressure.

Chronic hypertension runs in my family, so I have a predisposition for high blood pressure. I have not been aware of having it at all in the past but thanks to my mom’s new blood pressure machine, I am aware of it now. 

Learning that I have high blood pressure instigated a bit of a breakdown. 

For a lot of the reasons I have already mentioned.

I’m working really hard to be healthy by balancing my mental and physical health. So why, if both those things are headed in the right direction, does my body not seem to agree?

Well, genetics will do that.

In the name of health, I scheduled an appointment with my doctor. We talked about the typical “lifestyle changes” that would be recommended for someone my age with high blood pressure.

I am already doing all of them. 

There are things I cannot control, however, that are affecting my mental health right now. I am carrying a lot of stress about the upcoming election. I am carrying a lot of stress about Black people being disproportionately arrested, charged, jailed, and killed by police as part of a system of oppression that I would very much like to have a part in dismantling. I am carrying a lot of stress about the pandemic that has killed 170,000 Americans. I have spent 7-8 years learning how to manage my stress. Those tools were not intended to work in situations like this.

So, my doctor and I made a plan to monitor my blood pressure, to try do more meditation and progressive relaxation, to eliminate processed snacks from my everyday diet (on occasion is still allowed), and to start doing some basic weight exercises with my cardio. 

Blood pressure is a really good example of why a healthy approach requires balancing mental and physical health. 

I’ve checked the physical health boxes for blood pressure management. 

And things beyond my control are preventing me from checking the mental health boxes for blood pressure management.

And also, genetics.

With the help of my doctor, I’ve developed a plan that considers both my physical and mental health and only time will tell if that has an impact on my blood pressure. For what it’s worth, my doctor is optimistic. Part of the reason my doctor is optimistic is because I am healthy.

To clarify, being healthy does not mean that my IBS has gone away, it just means I am treating my IBS with diet and medicine. 

Being healthy does not mean my anxiety has gone away, it just means I am in control of my anxiety.

I would not be healthy if I was unable to manage my IBS. 

But I would also not be healthy if I was unable to manage my anxiety. 

I would not be healthy if I had not figured out the value of balancing physical and mental health. 

Just like I found a way to overcome my iron-deficiency anemia, I will find a way to overcome my high blood pressure. It may require new medication and lifestyle changes, but by giving adequate consideration to both my physical and mental health, I have no doubt that I will eventually find a healthy solution to push myself over this hurdle as well.

Gonna wrap this up with a poor quality mirror-selfie I took this morning when I tried on a new bathing suit. This is a (headless) picture of a 200-pound, obese, plus-sized, healthy person.

[winebleeds]

@bnjmin    sent    ❛    🍍 (obligatory to send this one) 🍏 🍎🍊🥝 for all    ❜

⤑   FRUIT HEADCANONS

you’re really making me add this to a read more, huh.

🍍  :    how comfortable is my muse in their body? how do they feel about their height,  weight,  strength,  and body type?  how important is being attractive to them? 

raleigh: yeah, he’s not. he hates looking at a mirror. out of his insecurities, his height gets to him the worse. while barely below average at 5′8, he becomes one of the shorter men within a group. doesn’t help when his younger brother became taller than him or even his youngest sister being taller in heels. he was also the weakest of his siblings when they got older, though he doesn’t make too much effort gaining muscle. only enough to keep lean and not too tired looking. despite his insecurities about his appearance, he is low maintenance when it to looking attractive. in fact, his insecurities block how others consider him attractive, puzzled when someone does mention such; it’s just pity for him. so yeah, the most insecure about his body but the least caring about attractiveness. 

liz: yeah, very comfortable. too comfortable. a big portion of her attire is meant to show off her body, knowing she looks good... and people definitely pay attention to that.  still, like raleigh, she does have some insecurity about her height. instead of drowning in said insecurity, she alters how people view her height, to the point people blink at figuring out she’s 5′2; it’s the same at minimal curves, considering she enjoys viewing curves on other women. she does the most to portray her attractive features through her attire and confidence, knowing it pays off. but, again, it’s less on insecurities or even as much on manipulation anymore; it’s simply a preference. 

jamie: despite his job as a fitness trainer, he’s smaller than his football years. he won’t gain those muscles of his college prime again, and he does look back with a twang of guilt, even if some of it wasn’t in his control. after his injury, he lost a lot of weight he’s beginning to gain back. he also had a smaller figure during his teenage years that brought insecurities, especially his braces, until he grew several inches and boarder shoulders right before his senior year. he also made a drastic change in his outfits to better fit his fitness now rather than the southern style of his former years. he’s the most cautious on his attire because of his insecurities, despite acting confident about it. 

maddie: due to societal standards on plus size, she does have insecurities about her weight. but even jamie & liz, one in fitness and the other much smaller, ensure her she doesn’t need to worry about such; she’s just board built and curved like a spencer. but her conservative clothes, especially compared to her sister, hints of her hiding herself, though her personality outshines those internal feelings. she can feel insecure of her height as well, since it throws of men shorter than her, but she’s gotten more comfortable with that aspect of her. 

🍏  :    how stable is my muse’s physical health?  do they go for regular or semi-regular checkups by a physician?  do they have any diagnosed illnesses and / or take any medication?  how often do they get sick?

raleigh: unless his slight limp from his leg injury counts, then he doesn’t have any health issues, and never really did. so far, his seasonal allergies haven’t occurred in la, though he has his allergy medicine just in case he gets stuffy like he did in the carolina autumn. otherwise, he’s quite healthy. besides being, well, a surgeon, he does get checkups.

liz: generally, she’s healthy. she may get the sniffles or a cold during the winter seasons, but nothing she can’t recover from by the next couple days. however, her reproductive organs cannot reproduce.  she was diagnosed with primary ovarian insufficiency at 16, since she never experienced her natural period. the doctors are not sure the source of the condition, though it’s potentially a genetic defect once amenorrhea and/or being underweight was ruled out. so she had taken estrogen & continues taking calcium and vitamin d supplements to avoid bone loss. besides more common dryness during sex that lube fixes, she doesn’t think often about the condition; she’s never wanted children to begin with and knew her career would define her anyways.

jamie: oh boy. so his childhood was bombarded with health issues. the main two were chicken pox & tonsillitis, which weakened his immune system. once his tonsils were removed, his health started to get better, where he was able to stay outside without high risk of getting sick. still, his immune system isn’t the best, and will get a sinus infection or the flu (if he doesn’t get his shot in time) each year. then, there’s his concussions, his single ear deafness, and other injuries. throughout horseback riding, he has broken a wrist and a couple concussion. for football, there’s his rotator cuff, sprained ankles, and his deafness in his right ear, though he’s been hoh since the fall from the cliff with raleigh. the lining of his stomach is also weak from alcohol, so he’s careful about any foods that could erupt it. despite having the healthiest lifestyle (now), he’s the least healthiest.

maddie: she had appendicitis, and had her appendix removed. but other than that, she’s been pretty healthy, similar to raleigh. out of the four, though, she goes to doctors least, and haven’t been to a checkup for awhile. 

🍎  :    how stable is my muse’s mental health?  have they been diagnosed with any mental illnesses and  /  or conditions?  do they have any undiagnosed mental illnesses and  /  or conditions?  do they or should they attend therapy?

they all need therapy.

raleigh: besides extreme insecurities and bouts of depression, he’s pretty stable. his stress levels can get high, which heightens his insecurities and anxiety about how other people view, which spark his depression. he has been diagnosed with depression during med school, and goes back & forth to therapy when he feels worse about it. but he’s done better since he has a more stable life, instead of the turbulence during his parents’ divorce.

liz: most of liz’s mental state come from her fears. while, yes, she is scared of snow & water, those are two factors that trigger her claustrophobia; elevators and not being able to see a way out of tight spaces trigger it as well. the source came from her nearly drowning in the lake as a child, and has been struggling since then. she has gone to therapy for her infertility as a teenager, but not much happened during the sessions with the minimal talking on liz’s side. but she should go back to have someone to guide her about opening up & her trust issues, since it does cause issues in relationships.  and, no, while particular on cleaning, she does not have ocd.

jamie: his multiple of concussion enhance his recklessness & behavior. and his alcohol intake did alter his decision making & temper as well. he was diagnosed with alcoholism, and went to aa meetings for a couple years. he still goes to therapy, though continues to have anger issues. when he was a child, people did think he had adhd, once he gotten out of his shell from the health issues, but doctors did not think he had adhd & was just simply hyper.    

maddie: she’s the most stable of them all. she’s open about her feelings to people; she probably opens up too much. and, while she can get sad or mad about certain aspects of her life, it doesn’t halt her life. she doesn’t go to therapy, but she’ll do fine at it when talking in general helps her. 

🍊  :    does my muse desire romance?  is it something they would actively seek out,  or prefer to happen more  ‘  naturally?  ’  what is their love life like?  do they have any exes or past flings,  or crushes?

raleigh: it’s less about romance than having a partner when raising a family that will stay long term. because he really wants a family and kids. which, due to his clueless, the romance will have to happen naturally and the other person has to seek him out. he has dated here and there, but nothing that amounted to anything beyond a first date; sometimes, he’ll go get coffee with someone and not realize it was a date until a week later, so... but he does have two exs, one in high school and another from undergrad, which is mentioned in this timeline. and he did have a crush on his friend tessa, but it died down when they both decided to remain friends. 

liz: no. not romance, and 9/10 she ghosts someone the minute they think anything between her is getting serious, with examples in her timeline. it’s the opposite of one night stands, she does not seek out romance at all. gross. she doesn’t have time for that.

jamie: similar to raleigh, he wants a family in the near future, though wants to settle into his life a little bit more, knowing how rough his past will work to a future spouse. he’s a good 50/50 on seeking out dates and letting it happen more naturally; it will be more naturally with men while he controls the flirtation with women. he has several exs and old flings and crushes, but the most noticeable is lillian irene, a dance major he dated throughout college... even if he wasn’t the most faithful and she deserved so much better than him; still, she helped him sober up even after the officially broke up their relationship. oh, and his main celebrity crushes as a teenager were britney spears  & jennifer beals... who lillian irene had close resemblance to...

maddie: she enjoys dating and being romantic, but it’s something that’s casual as she’s still exploring the world. while she seeks out dates, she also seeks out the friends and just enjoys knowing other people. she doesn’t understand how liz can have one night stands, since sex for maddie means close attachment and romance. 

🥝  :    does my muse have any  ‘  unusual  ’  habits, interests,  and  /  or talents?  do they hide it,  or are they proud of it?

raleigh: he has some obscure science fiction books that have a special place on his bookshelf, but those have a personal connection to him coming from his piano instructor / role model. but a lot of his interests are pretty mainstream in terms of star wars & whatnot, even if they were as much as a child. 

liz: her most unusual will have to be her random construction projects. this started with raleigh’s legos as a kid, and of course expanded to her engineering career. but she still have her designs of buildings or computer codes or airplanes in her free time, and, once she has the space for it, will experiment on building her own car engine or whatever she can assemble in a garage and may get a few patens in her later life. while not too unusual, it’s more of a shock that someone as “feminine” as her would do something so “masculine.”  because, while she doesn’t hide it, she doesn’t promote it either.

jamie: he dances, or he can dance well. which makes sense, with his ex being a professional dancer & needing to impress her. but, still, it wasn’t hard to get him to share that interest. even before lillian irene, he would sneak into hidden places to figure out the choreography for music videos, especially britney spears. of course he hides it, outside of appropriate moments of dancing with someone on the dancefloor. but he’ll just pretend he doesn’t know the difference first and fifth position in ballet or that he knows the final dance to flashdance.

maddie: she often paints on jean pockets or vinyl records rather than a tradition canvas. considering there’s a market for such, it’s not too unusual and can make money from it. but she purposefully doesn’t like using traditional canvases for her artwork. also, her knowing how to play the harp stands out when she points out which music instruments she knows how to play. 

[asiryn]

this post is going to be very rambly, so i apologize in advance. if you’re potentially interested in my liveblogs, and/or interested in hearing a bit about my current life and disability issues, tune in. if you aren’t, then....keep scrolling i guess XD

(if you just want the current liveblog schedule, scroll to the bottom)

[and this got predictably very long, so i’m gonna put it behind a cut for convenience] 

up to recently, my main liveblogs have been about the pokemon anime, with a few other shows, books, and especially video games sprinkled in here and there. essentially, waaaay back in yonder year of 2014, netflix added the first season of pokemon, the indigo league, to their site, and i, in a fit of nostalgia, made the veeery questionable decision to watch all of the pokemon anime---rewatching the stuff i hadn’t touched since i was kid, and then continuing on into the unknown, and watching all the seasons from gen 3 onward that i had missed due to dropping out of pokemon. i only really started actually making liveblog posts once i hit gen 3, then i stayed consistent-ish from then onward. (for the curious, i’m up to sun & moon, and i have 44 episodes left until i finish it (i’m not ready ;;;; ), and then netflix actually just dropped the first 12 episodes of the newest series, pokemon journeys, so....56 until i’ve caught up with the dub XD)

so, all of y’all who climbed aboard with those liveblogs are probably already aware of Who I Am, at least a little. (....this is making it sound like i’m Some Big Name in liveblogging, but i’m not really anything of the sort, just so we’re all on the same page XD) at least, in terms of the fact that i’m physically disabled, suffer from chronic pain, etc. but recently, i’ve joined two new fandoms, and i’ve begun liveblogging spop and my next life as a villainess. and my spop posts in particular are already becoming some of the most popular posts i’ve ever done (like wow, you guys). and i think part of that popularity is due to the fact that these are two pretty recent, pretty popular fandoms (tho i do also like to think that i do make good content XP). but the point is that quite a lot of new ppl are coming across me, and idk how much, if any, of you have taken the time to look at my bio or anything. so i guess....part of this post is just some ruminations, but also my way of letting you know more of what you’re getting into. 

so, for those who don’t know: hi, you can call me kiryn, i liveblog stuff sometimes, and i’m physically disabled. i suffer from intense, constant, chronic pain. it stems from a bone disease called HME, or hereditary multiple exostosis, if you’re curious (i have a severe case of it, joy of joys). the short version of what that means is that i have a lot of bone spurs everywhere on my body, and they....cause me a lot of pain. basically, i cannot do any kind of sustained activity without the already significant, never-ceasing pain that i feel cranking up to unbearable levels, and basically i’ll be rendered immobile. i do have pain meds that i take, and that very much help to take the edge off, and make it so that i can function at all (bc, believe fucking me, w/o them, i wouldn’t be able to achieve even the little i can do), but even with them, it only makes a dent in my pain levels, and again, sustained activity makes up that difference very quickly. 

now, the gist of this stuff i’ll mention from time to time, but....i don’t usually go into much detail about it (and this post is probably the most detailed i’ve been about my condition in years). bc, quite frankly, it’s depressing. (and seeing as i also already have clinical depression, that’s definitely not something that i need more of XD) i participate in fandoms for escapism, and bc i don’t really want to think about that crushing mountain of reality. i’ve had this condition since birth, and i’ve literally lived my entire life in constant pain, and i honestly have no fucking idea what it even feels like to be painless. and what’s even worse is that it’s a degenerative disease---essentially, the bone spurs are wearing down my joints, so....my entire condition will just keep worsening as i get older. (and no, surgery to remove the spurs isn’t really an option.) i’ll be 29 next month, and i can already tell you, i’ve been feeling that decline sharply. when i was a kid, i could still run. by the time i was a teenager, i couldn’t even do that anymore; the best i could manage was a jog. now....i don’t think i could even do that. 

i guess the main point in why i’m saying all this, is that for the last year especially, i’ve been dealing with the worst downward swing that i’ve had in years. in my late teens and early-mid 20s, i got into a pretty good rhythm, of knowing my body’s limits, how to budget spoons to accomplish things, etc. but now even that fragile equilibrium has been thrown out the window, and i’m currently struggling to learn the new limits and rhythm of this downward swing that is unfortunately now my reality. even before, i was pretty limited on what i could accomplish, but even that narrow window has shrunk even further. so basically, i’m in the testing zone still. and it’s a very slow process, bc once i exceed the limit, my body breaks down, and now it takes me even longer to recover. as an example, i used to know that i could wake up in the morning and get ready to leave the house in 20-30 mins. now? i need at least an hour, which involves me pushing through a wave of agony to be able to take my pain meds in the first place, and then wait for those meds to kick in and the pain to die down enough to move without feeling like i’m moving through a wall of spikes. (and that’s just the start of every day for me, and before even throwing in all of the other variables)

so, coming back to the liveblogs......obviously, that’s affected by all this too. if you’ve wondered why there’s been a gap between me finishing up spop s1 and starting s2....that’s why. partly, i didn’t expect how analysis-heavy i was going to get on spop; pokeani just doesn’t tend to be as consistently thematically deep, so those liveblogs took far less out of me than spop has, and pushing myself to finish 5 episodes in one day....well, it was too much. and the thing is, it’s obviously unhealthy for me to continually push myself to the point of total breakdown, so...that’s where learning my new limits comes in. so, these past few days, i’ve been thinking, and essentially trying to better figure out how to do liveblogs like this without pretty much killing myself in the process (bc i honestly do love making them....i mean, if i didn’t, then it really wouldn’t be worth the literal pain it takes to make them XD). and also there’s a component of managing my anxiety-brain, bc leaving things Unfinished stresses me out, and so when coming to terms with the fact that it’s going to take me awhile to finish one show....knowing that i’d be leaving others hanging....Doesn’t Help XD

so, here’s what i’ve got so far (and obvs, this is subject to much tweaking in the future XP)

currently, i’m watching 4 shows: pokeani, good omens, villainess, and spop. villainess rn is the least of my worries, bc 1 ep is coming out a week, so it’s not demanding a lot of my time. 

for the other 3, here’s the preliminary schedule i’ve sort of hashed out:

- pokeani sm103-106

- spop s2

- pokeani sm107-110

- spop s3 

- pokeani sm111-114

- spop s4

- pokeani sm115-118

- spop s5 

- pokeani sm119-122

- good omens

- pokeani sm123-126

- [catch up block] (i don’t have a good track record in keeping up with ongoing shows, so if i fall behind on villainess, this is where i can catch up)

- finish pokeani sun & moon [sm127-146] (the league starts on ep 128, so i’d rather not experience any big interruptions in the battles XD)

basically, i’ve given myself a limit of 4 pokeani eps in a single session (bc as stated, they don’t take as much out of me), and with spop, the most i’ll let myself watch in a row will be 3 eps (s2 will probably be broken up into a 3/2/2 block, s3 a 3/3 block, and s4&5 will be a 3/3/3/2/2 block).

now, keep in mind that i’m very deliberately making no guarantees about specific days, bc who even knows, but at the very least, scheduling and talking it all out like this will help me to better manage my spoons, and if you’ve actually read this far, then you’ll know the method in the madness and why i’m doing things this way. XD the vague goal is to get in a least 1 liveblog session a week (plus a bonus of the new villainess ep on saturdays)---at least for the shows. i’m still having to working out what i’m going to do about video games....maybe i should just go on a ‘once a week’ model for all my hobbies across the board XDD

in the next couple of days, i’ll be posting that in-depth look into all the ships of villainess (it started as me just pecking down a few thoughts while i was taking a social media break due to the Current Events, but now i’m at the point where i’m like, i’ve put too much effort into this to not post it, damn it XP), and then depending on spoons, i’ll try to start in on that schedule this week, so stay tuned for some pokeani! (again....i’ll try to hit at least 1 liveblog a week before i start trying to get more ambitious XDD)

in any case, if you have stuck through to the end, thank you very much. your support means a lot to me 💖

[secondhand-sheep-shack]

So, very accurate.

My sincerest apologies for being mostly absent from posting. Mental health and being a good human to myself took a long slide in the wrong direction.

Self care means taking your meds and turning off the phone.

I've also been trying to make sure 3rd noob gets some actual training. Though I learned tonight that he knows everything. So no amount of help will get him past his belief in his abilities being far superior to what is reality.

Plus i had a guy at work pull a prank on me. I already didn't like the guy. After the prank, I value him less than I did. Who the fuck goes to a coworker you don't know very well,tell them you quit, wave, grab your stuff and leave...as a motherfucking prank?

"He was just joking."

"Yeah. Real fucking funny."

I spent 25 minutes having a full blown panic attack in the isolation of the bathroom. I'd already had a long ass week,worked 4 - 10hr shifts, had almost no sleep and creepy guy thinks he's funny.

Then he tried to apologize for the joke by BLAMING his mental illness. "I have really bad social anxiety disorder and really bad generalized anxiety disorder. But it's okay, I don't rely on the crutch of medication. I am the practical joker, but nobody here knows me well enough to know that."

Dude blamed his dumbass behavior on his illness for which he's not medicated...

That's what sent my anxious ass into a panic attack. Because he had to mention the 'crutch of medication.' I'd already got called out for snapping at an older female coworker who is nosy as shit. I'd been doing good with my meds and then she started commenting that I am too young to need "all those drugs."

I asked her what age is old enough to need those meds, in her expert opinion. "How about the friend whose 3 month old has stage 4 neuroblastoma?" "How about a friend I had growing up with epilepsy and EDS?" "How about my grandfather at 102 who didn't need anything?" "How about you mind your own health and stop withe ageism when it comes to chronic illness or disease?" I laid out the meds and told her what each is for.

Iron - I'm anemic - I don't absorb from food in large enough quantities.

B12 - I'm slightly deficient.

Flomax - I have chronic kidney stones.

Gabapentin - I have neuralgia in my arms and hands. Working here doesn't help.

Tylenol - this is what I use for pain.

Wellbutrin XL - seasonal (and) general depression

Buspar - anxiety - from worrying about busybodies and my job.

Vistaril - anxiety (for attacks more than maintenance) and allergies - because it's the precursor to Zyrtec.

Magnesium chelate - because I'm deficient.

Folate - because I'm deficient

Vitamin C - because it helps me absorb the iron.

Calcium - because I'm very deficient

Tramadol - for days when tylenol isn't enough.

Mobic - because I've had open joint knee surgery and I have numerous issues with various joints.

Things I carry but don't take daily - Toradol (kidney stone pain help) Percocet or norco (pain - kidney stone passage help), zofran (anti-nausea) Benzonatate (cough suppressant)

Tell me again which ones I DON'T need.

She complained to our boss that I was rude. I told him that her telling me I'm too young to need medications is what's rude. She is in her 60s. She doesn't take anything. Great for her. I don't have that luxury. She's since been placed on medical leave for slipping and breaking her leg. She's apparently in a lot of pain. Gee.

So yeah and I had to sort shit every day for the last 12 working days.

[divine-identite]

So March through July has been most interesting lately -

So, in short, we are going to call these Arcs (like story arcs). There are five of them right now. 

Facts to remember about this person; she’s bisexual, into open relationships, looking for fwb, is on the spectrum, had depression and social anxiety - which is why she smokes.

So I met a coworker who I got along with in march. I thought she was really cool and knowledge, however, I had a strange intuition that something was off with her at the same time. So before all that, I tried inviting her out to some events - concerts and stuff. Cause I thought she was legit cool and whatnot.  She says no to this and eventually, in late April she invites me out to see Avengers: endgame; she does so because she works Fridays and Saturdays, and her friends are busy on those holidays. So I pick up, okay, so im just 2nd pick for this event? So I let it go and I buy our tickets and set the date and time. She cant do it because she is a tech and im just PRS. ( i just answer phones).

1st Arc

So on the movie day, I meet her at her place. her place is very lacklustre, she lives in a one-bedroom with no furniture - which is fine. Her roommate lives in the living room with an airbed. It’s all fine to me, I know the struggle is real. She’s nice enough to offer me coffee and scrambled eggs. I take just the coffee. She goes on a smoke break in her room, she's nice enough to close the door for her roommate.  I sit on the roommate's bed and how she gets off it is odd as fuck; she kind casually brushes her hands along her arm and wrist before asking me to stand up, and it takes her a while to get up and go. Because shes trying to decide what coat she wants to wear. So finally go off, get a ride up to the mall centre in german town. She starts talking about her stories and stuff - and about one time post-banging some freshmen on her sophomore year. I was thinking okay that’s good on you lol. Now the worst part is she starts leaning her head on me afterwards through the whole ride. We get to the movies afterwards, and there two seats left because her dumbass wanted to take her time getting here. So one guy pointed us to two seats left in the crowd. The theatre was packed so what she did was cling to my arm and lean to my shoulder- again. So after the movies, we go to chipotle, and then to the beer & spirits which I pay. Because her ID is expired, how the fuck do you let your Id expire? so I have to get it. We order a lyft head back and drink at her place and play some games. We both had a good time but I left once I saw the roommate had teased her about being autistic and etc. The shoulder leaning thing had me confused - she told me im an associate. 

So I bring up the issue with the shoulder leaning issue. So apparent none of that mattered. I got on her about how people can misinterpret that and she said few to interpret that. She gets upset because I bring this issue to mind like a few days. However, she mentioned one time a guy assumed she leads her on. Again she makes it clear we are associates the whole time.

2nd Arc 

Next week May 5th we scheduled to watch the game of thrones at her place. I get off at 10:30 pm on a Sunday, and she doesn't work on a Sunday. I  had to buy beer again - because so she meets me at my job. it was quite odd because her excuse for coming was “she was in town and though to drop by”. Nothing wrong with that but it did lead to some speculation. My coworker Gloria kept up asking questions like “Oh did you say hi to her?” “She usually doesn't wear dresses, Kelvin, what do you think?”, “ She doesn't work today here” so yeah it was hinting she knew something. Now after my shift we went to CVS and she offered to buy me snacks and food. She asks if I was sure? Now on this day, I had a sausage, cheese & egg. So I went to her place we had to go into her room since her roommate was sleeping. So she offered popeyes which I took only a wing. I sat by her bed rather than on it because - it felt weird lol. She said I could join her bed rather than sit by it - we are coworkers bruh. She leaves out too. So after smashing like 8- 9 beers I get on her bed because my knees were killing me on that hardwood floor. She comes back like “ It’s about time” so after a while she starts to lean on me again.  So the beer takes its toll - and I start to nod off. So while watching Game of Thrones she would ask some questions. So around season 5 she stops it there - tells me to get my things. Escorts me out to the door of her complex. The original plan actually to use a spare bed but she apparently didn't want to do that. So she escorts me outside 4:00 am in the morning, it's cold as fuck in may. She couldn't stay out because is only clothed in a skimpy sundress and she's anaemic and plus she left her house keys in her house. So understandable but still no check-in. Which contradicts with her usually thing because she would always see if I got home. I got home around 6 am had like only 4 hours of sleep and had to go to work lol- I had a slight headache but I was good. I texted her to see if she was okay, said she was fine and that I was doing too much. I just added that hey you were right that I should have eaten something. Now this issue sparks something on her end, this literally causes her to snap off and she literally bans me from coming to her house. 

After dropping her shoes off that she sent to my location because she lives in an apartment complex. we go to the gym together because of her social anxiety, now the fun part is after the gym. I found out apparently I had spilt beer on her carpet and pissed over her toilet while drunk, to be fair her bathroom is really dark. The only light is a night light behind you when you use the toilet. She had an emotional connection with that carpet so I sympathized with it and made to right my wrongs. So she asked only for three meals and me to go to the gym with her for a week. I decided a month because I felt bad about the situation. we agreed on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday, Friday. Wednesday and Thursday are my days off.

3rd Arc

So off to the gym, some days she goes - some she doesn't - but either way I got continuously. Knowing discipline is necessary for progress. But usually, she is very inconsistent. So one week on Saturday she isn't going-  rather than going I just leave it be. She's being too indecisive about the matter. I tell her to just tell me when she would be going and went home.  So Tuesday comes up and she comes to work. She follows her usual routine; what's for lunch and etc? she comes up to check up on me and etc. But I wait until her shift after 12:30, now after that - my coworker comes up to ask “” Arent you going to the gym”. her reply, however, was “ No, I didn't do any laundry today. So I don't have any clean clothes to go with” That would’ve been news to tell me.  So she leaves without telling me the matter - and leaves me hanging there. Wednesday and Thursday im off, and not once did it cross her mind. To make amends, so I actually have to reach out and confront her on the issues. She owned up to it but said her new meds for her depression. I understood in that second but for that whole three days? I felt that was really considerate tbh. I stopped doing favours because that was massive and just focused on me tbh. That was a huge disrespect to me and my time. So around June, I brought up the issue again to make sure we were clear and realised I had backtracked on it based on her logic on of the issue. 

4th Arc

After a while, I agreed to invite her out to the movies. Went to see spider-man: Far away from home, I bought the tickets. We went over the seats and I set the time. So on the fourth, I reach the train station to meet her around 10:00 am, the movie starts at 12:45.  She literally tells me to meet her at the theatre though we agreed to the train station, because of its fucking raining. Now the forecast said it would rain - but she chose to dress for the heat tbh. So I let it go and get a ride to the theatre and get there. We are early like its 11:45 pm so we decide to go to Starbucks. So she pulls me aside and asks if she can send lingerie and stuff to my house somewhat nervously (think of a typical anime girl who is fidgetting her fingers nervously) - because it's for when she goes to the gym. Still, quite an odd favour but i accept it. So after the movies, it starts to rain, so I got to CVS and buy an umbrella. Because she's wearing a sundress and if she got any wetter it is porn show. So off we go to across town to the Vape shop because the vape she has, has been burning her throat. So at the shop, the lady shows us how it works and after that she needs ID. She doesn't have ID....still so I had to literally use my ID. After a while, we go eat, and meet her roommate at the firework place. She arm links up with him and tries to get me to join - I literally shoot her down like “Nah im good”. So the roommate introduces us to his friends at her house - and off we go to park. Im literally lacking behind and she comes and checks up behind me multiple times. I state that im okay until we get to the park. Now at the park it's fine until it starts to rain, being the only practical person with common sense - hold up a single umbrella for five people. After 20 minutes of holding this damn thing up, I pass it off before she starts asking me if I want to watch Netflix. I say no, and then I went on my phone to text my friend for a while. Again she asks it before not too long she is leaning my whole thigh with the phone on it.  Like you would with a couch armchair. This was no way platonic. After she leaning back on my chest with her back while we watch Netflix and stuff. Im like....you have your roommate there fam why not do this with him lol. After the fireworks, we leave but the large crowds cause her anxiety; she clings to my arm and literally is like “sorry for invading her personal space” ... it's a little too late for all that :T. We head  to safeway , use the bathroom and head home.

5th Arc

We were supposed to go to Otakon together - because she invited me out to the invite. So I told Mike, a coworker of mine, I and she are supposed to be going. The whole week is excited about Otakon and stuff - and Saturday tells me “whenever she gets up she’ll let me know when she goes down to the convention centre”. I’m like.... what kind of rude shit is that? but I let it be it is what it is. So Friday comes up I call mike, he is down there and I meet him there. He tells me to call her to figure where she is - because she told him she’d be here 3-4. I called her and phone rings twice before going to voicemail. So she tells me “Oh im just got sick. Just my luck!” now I know this feels like bullshit really. You were super excited about this event - and Mike told me she looked healthy yesterday - again not making any sense really. So rather than just telling me you aren't going to show up at all. And she scheduled this event the whole time tbh.  

[canaryatlaw]

okay, well today was fine but I’m in a bit of a funk now about job related stuff that’s just kinda got me discouraged. I didn’t get till bed till fairly late last night and I was dead exhausted, so I just let myself sleep in for a while, lol, so I think it was like 3:14 when I actually got out of bed. Had some breakfast (��breakfast”), and the first order of business was contacting stubhub about the mess that unfolded with the tickets yesterday, so I got them on the chat function on their website and then tried to explain and they were like “well it shows here that we contacted you and you never responded so the order was cancelled” and I was like “actually I did respond and I have screenshots showing so, as well as a timestamped email that I already sent those screenshots to you” so I had to send them all my proof and ultimately prove that the issue was on the buyer’s end and I did everything I was supposed to do, which they eventually agreed with and reversed the decision not to give me the money from the sale, which honestly I was kinda surprised actually happened because I was pretty sure they were just gonna be like “tough luck” so I was pleased to see that was not in fact the case. After that I accomplished some random around the house stuff for a bit, listening to podcast episodes, including our latest episode of the batwoman podcast we recorded last week and got released today. I was dismayed to find out I talk too fast for me to be able to use my speed listening podcast app that I use on every other podcast I listen to 😂so I guess that’s a sign that I need to slow down (I’m from New York, we talk fast) before starting on dinner, which was a dorito chicken casserole, basically crushed doritos on the bottom and top of a mixture of chicken and cheese and like sour cream and cream of chicken soup, plus a few more other things lol. but the chicken of course had to be cooked before that is put together and the recipe called for 2 cups of chicken, so I consulted the internet about how much in ounces I should make and it said 8 ounces, and the internet lied to me and when I had the chicken cooked and shredded it only made one cup, so I had to quickly cook another 8 ounces (which is obnoxious because I was just going to make 16 oz to begin with) so I basically just threw it in the pot without defrosting it lol which took a little longer but ultimately was pretty quick, so I was able to get it in the oven by like 6:15. A little while after that Jess showed up and we soon had dinner and watched the new legends episode. To be perfectly honest I was a bit underwhelmed with the episode, I felt like we didn’t accomplish all that much storyline wise and being that next week is the season finale I feel like more should’ve happened by now. The actual episode was fine, I just feel like we’re not at the point where the season is ready to be over next week, I feel like there’s way too much for them to try to wrap up in one episode which probably means the finale’s going to be somewhat disappointing so I’m kinda annoyed about that, but I guess we’ll have to see. I still love Legends of course, but it’s been hard seeing this season not quite live up to how good season 3 was. And I mean I know this happens with pretty much every tv show, it’s just how it is sometimes, but it’s still disappointing, especially being that Legends had progressively been getting better from seasons 1 to 3, so this is the first time the quality has actually declined. Jess headed out after Legends because she was tired like a little bitch (I’m just dragging her for when she searches this post for her name) and I continued watching for the Arrow season finale. so.....this episode was definitely like, intended to be the finale of the actual series, and for Oliver to die in the crossover next year, so I’m kind of ???? about what next season is going to be?? I’ve heard that it’s supposedly going to be all of the next gen, but that doesn’t really explain how any of the crisis stuff is going to fit into it, so that’s all a bit unclear at the moment. The actual episode though I really enjoyed, I think it was the first time I really got into the future plot and was like, on the edge of my seat when they were flipping back and forth between Oliver and Mia saving the day in their respective time periods, which was a very well shot and directed scene, so kudos for the crew on that. Seeing them officially wrap Emily Bett and knowing she’s not coming back is sad, but it is what it is I guess. So that was a lot. After that was over I watched The Fix, which I also don’t know how they’re going to sum up by next week’s season finale, especially if they aren’t renewed for a second season (I have no clue if they are or not). Watched that into the news and then Jimmy Fallon because Jimmy Kimmel was a repeat I’d already seen, ended up watching pretty much all of his show before showering and getting ready for bed, and now I’m here, While I was watching the news and Fallon I started looking at job applications because I had meant to do that today but I slept most of the day instead, and I ended up just feeling really shitty and discouraged about all of this. The major trigger for this was seeing that OPG had listed that they were hiring for GAL positions on the job listserv from my school which was really just a punch in the gut, because I still want that so badly, and knowing they have openings but they already turned me down is just really discouraging. I sent a couple applications in for random jobs, nothing too interesting, but I kinda just felt shitty about the whole thing and am starting to really loathe the entire process. I’m just so tired of all of it, I just want to be done with it already. I can feel my depression creeping in during the time I’m alone, it’s fine generally when I’m hanging out with people and having fun, and it’s definitely not at the point where I’d be willing to mess with my meds (I do have a psych appointment on Wednesday but at this point I’m not taking the chance of fucking with my meds and making it worse given what happened last time). It’s just so frustrating knowing at this point that whatever job I end up in very likely isn’t going to be one I actually care about, and they’ll probably want me to be totally committed to it when it’s always just going to be nothing more than a job to me, not a life because it’s not where I want to be. I haven’t heard back from legal aid about that one application I thought I’d be really good for, I’ve thought about following up with them but at this point I’m not sure what good it’d actually do. Sigh. so I’m just feeling really shitty about all of that and I’m so tired of being trapped in my apartment all the time with nothing to do, I just want things to go back to normal, it’s been way too long. Sigh. I guess that’s it for now, it’s almost 2 am and I have to wake up to go to the allergist (not like, early, but earlier than I would’ve naturally woken up) before the chiropractor tomorrow so I should probably be getting to bed, so I think I will do that now. Goodnight dearies. Hope your Monday didn’t suck.

[sidenotelife]

Lessons learned from a Residency Power Rankings.

I just submitted my ERAS residency application to 14 family medicine residency programs and it feels like a huge relief. I know interview season will be tough on my introverted soul but I’m also excited to meet likeminded people that love the wide breath of family medicine and want to take a holistic approach to health. In the end I settled on family medicine because it gave me a unique opportunity to combine a bunch of my interests from med school but also from life in general: OB, general pediatrics, addiction psychiatry, molecular biology research, building relationships, drinking and talking about life, writing about life, my love of using anki to learn, but I think ultimately my decision to pursue family medicine had most to do with the non-decision that it was my last rotation of MS3. I really enjoyed all of my clinical experiences. In my very first residency power rankings, which was five years ago when I was an MS2, I selected Head-Ears-Nose-Neck-Throat surgery (ENT) for the following reason: 👅👂👃👄🗡👨‍⚕️

“Everyone I meet that wants to go into ENT seems cool. It’d be a great balance of surgery and clinical, so I could spend twenty years doing surgery, and when I inevitably get burned out, I can stop. I can specialize in head and neck cancers, run a lab, mentor med students and grad student, sign me up.”

It kind of sounds like I was thinking family medicine from the beginning but also I would have been happy in a lot of different specialties: OB, peds surgery, peds neurosurgery, critical care. I would definitely recommend keeping notes on this whole specialty selection process. It taught me a lot more about my values and desires from life than those “What medical specialty should I choose?” quizzes, of which I took plenty. This was not remotely surprising because damnit I cannot be simplified into a multiple choice test. Plus keeping some notes helped me at the end of the year when I was looking back at my thoughts throughout the year and identifying some consistent themes to assure myself that I wasn’t making a rash decision, even though I basically made a rash decision by choosing my last rotation. 🤷‍♂️

I used the same underlying thoughts to decide on my list of residency programs, trying to find the ideal training place for the next three years to prepare me for the rest of my career. Eventually I want to have an academic family medicine faculty position at an academic medical center with a basic science research infrastructure to support my passion for molecular biology but also with a geographic/socioeconomic fit to support my clinical interest in broad-spectrum medicine including obstetrics and c-sections. I have a suspicion this will be in a rural state but I am open-minded for now. Sidenote – I questioned whether it was wise to post the list of residency programs that I applied to but the decision to post my list was obvious after I considered that I’ve used my blog to: disclose dealing with depression, share my strange Step 1 studying strategy in real-time before I knew my score, and thoroughly analyze my specialty choice. I also just think it would be interesting to read someone else’s list and get a peek into their thought process. Plus, this whole residency matching mess seems like it would be improved with more transparency. Back to my list of programs, I broadly selected residency programs in two categories: academic programs that I thought could be a good fit for my future interests and community programs that provided the hands-on clinical experiences that excited me. I should mention that I do not think these are the 14 best programs in the country, all I believe is that they are the 14 programs that best suit my long-term interests and lifestyle desires. If you have any program recommendations for me please feel welcome to tweet me @kensidenotelife. I will continue to analyze this more.

Anyways, back to the broader specialty selection process. One thought I can’t get away from is that the whole matching and specialty selection process is getting crazy. It’s like med school is evolving from a place to learn medicine to a place to optimize your ability to match into the residency that you want. Arguably, that’s not a bad thing for a professional school but I’m not sure it’s right. I think the ultimate representation of this is the pre-clinical years. We spend two years in medical school learning random factoids so we can score as high as possible on Step 1 so that all these various opportunities are available to us. I think it’s pretty obvious to everyone involved that Step 1 is not really the ideal way to pick the best future doctors. I get jealous when I hear stories from residents that did their medical school training overseas where as medical students they were getting calls from nurses to help place central lines and manage the overnight DKA admission. I’m not upset about the medical education I am receiving but that just sounds like a thrilling way to learn. I really desire that sort of autonomous thrown-into-the-fire learning environment.

Nowadays it seems like everyone knows what medical specialty they want to go into by the time they get to med school. In fact, if you don’t know six months into your MS2 year you’re basically hosed because this is when you choose your MS3 schedule. For instance, I never signed up for electives in specialties like dermatology, emergency medicine, or radiation oncology so these were never even options for me. It seems like this sort of system really biases against students that decide late that they want to go into something like emergency medicine. Sidenote - I believe it also biases towards students that came from families of doctors because these students can get easy exposure to the breadth of jobs in medicine, but this is an entirely different conversation. Plus if you don’t already have connections with faculty members in your field of interest from whom you can get letters of recommendation, the end of MS3 can be a real struggle to pick a faculty member that can say something meaningful about you even though they only worked with you for a week. Then there’s the question of when you do certain rotations. I started MS3 on pediatric surgery and neurosurgery when I was still coming out of the PhD haze. Looking back on it I loved being in the operating room but I was definitely unprepared for the clinical world. Not from a clinical knowledge perspective, which is largely irrelevant to being a good med student, but rather from a perspective of how to insert myself into the clinical workflow, how to interact with residents, how to appropriately introduce myself to attendings. When I was looking back on the year and trying to decide if family medicine was the right decision, I probably would have had a better impression of these surgical specialties if I hadn’t felt so inadequate when I did these rotations. Sidenote – I could probably thoroughly psychoanalyze myself based on the last five sentences but I will leave that for my therapist. 🙏

Anyways, I’ll leave it there for now. Two main takeaways: 1- It’s weird that so much of med school is now geared towards the match than learning about being a doctor and 2- I’m glad I had this fortuitous route into family medicine.

See you on the other side,

From ken

[jlvbong]

Scuffy 🐶 is 30 years old (true vintage). He is and will always be little Jen’s best friend and comfort through all of life. He’s been hugged with all of her strength, soaked with all of her tears, and has heard her raw emotions as a child. He’s part of the family, the medical teams, part of me. it’s been a season for little jen finding her voice as a 35yo, naming and feeling all the emotions which only Scuffy knew of. it’s been a lot. it’s been very hard. It’s been exhausting. a little over a year ago, i pieced together my past (from birth) medical history/surgeries, only to find myself immediately facing present and future medical circumstances. It threw me for a loop and I lost myself, is the most gentle way of putting it. I didn’t think I would mentally and emotionally make it through the next days, weeks, months, surgeries… …over a year now, one surgery down, more to come- growing, feeling, learning in this waiting period — much longer than anticipated (ahem pandemic). it takes all of me to do the basics; and that’s not yet on a consistent basis. I’m getting better at being okay with that — as I know this is just for now and not forever. how do i get by? (little bits, one day at a time) God. He is good. He is faithful. He is with me. Grace. Compassion. Faith the size of a mustard seed. doing what I love (emergency medicine and teaching) *also knowing when I can’t do the above Counseling. Massage therapy. Meds. Exercise. Sleep. Music. Netflix, Disney plus, Amazon prime. Jimmy Fallon. Read. Self awareness. Acceptance. Kindness. Gratitude. Scuffy 🐶 LOVE. YOU • YOU • YOU — MY SUPPORT SYSTEM —reminding and helping me with all of the above, plus food. This is a snippet of what depression looks like. #worldmentalhealthday #depression #anxiety #youarenotalone #normalizetalkingaboutmentalhealth #mentalhealth #courage #brave #hope #faith #growth #prioritizeyourself #innerwork #wholeness https://www.instagram.com/p/CU4nXdTLDiy/?utm_medium=tumblr