#school work and being physically incapable of doing it when i know i need to

[mielgf]

experiencing i think burnout for the first time in a couple of years and i did not miss this :))))

[autism-alley]

augh found my old post abt pjo and disability from before the show came out but it was on ye olde blog so i’m literally just gonna copy and paste, 3, 2, 1—

ok now that i’ve got it on the brain, i want to talk about disability in pjo and specifically how calling percy jackson dumb or treating him as such is not only a mischaracterization, but ableism. as a quick note, i’m keeping this to just percy to avoid having this already long post be even longer, but there are other disabled characters in pjo worthy of discussion, though i hit many of the same points in this post. i bring up percy specifically because he is mostly the character i have seen people treat as stupid.

percy is a dyslexic teen with ADHD who comes from a low-income family, raised by a single mother, and deals with an abusive step-father. i cannot stress enough how much of his character is shaped by that experience, but as hard as it is to single out any one part, i am going to focus on his ADHD and dyslexia. this kid has nightmares of being forced to take tests in a straightjacket as teachers ask him if he’s stupid and withhold him from recess with his peers. he is constantly labelled as “troubled” and blamed for things he didn’t do or aren’t his fault. he is told, over and over again, even from trusted adults, that he is “not normal” (othering him). he bounces between schools. he struggles to make friends. he deals with bullying. he has difficulty studying and reading, even when invested. teachers struggle to connect with him and tend to just give up on him. these are real disabled experiences, and rick does a good job at presenting them in the pjo books. sometimes, it feels like everything is a struggle. you are living inside a system that not only is restricting, but actively works against and punishes you.

in contrast, CHB is a great example of how when environments meet the needs of disabled people, it hugely changes how disabled we are in that environment. demigod brains are hard-wired for ancient greek, not english, and they’re born impulsive, with high energy levels that help them survive battle—but aren’t very good for a classroom setting. but by having them read books in ancient greek, regularly do lots of training/physical activities, and have genuine opportunities to express themselves...they function pretty damn well. percy discovers that while he struggles academically, he is brilliant in combat and capable of saving the world numerous times—he is a hero. do you know how important that message is for disabled children? disabled adults, too? that we can be heroes?

it is here, in camp half-blood, that percy finds a place he belongs, that shows him his worth—finally, somewhere is built to not only include him, but to nurture and genuinely prepare him for the world outside its boarders. however, i think people forget that just because percy functions in the world of CHB and the gods, that does not mean he doesn’t face ableism in the mortal world—and that there is an entire group of people who see ourselves reflected in his character.

i could talk on for hours about how much being disabled shapes percy’s identity and how he interacts with the world—like how percy’s humor revolves around coping with his environment and actually displays a very low self esteem after being looked down upon his entire life. this kid doesn’t even have to say anything and he screams i had a neurodivergent childhood. but about 5-6 years ago, when i was more regularly tuned into the fandom, every time i saw someone call percy jackson dumb or an idiot, even jokingly, i raised an eyebrow, and now that the series is getting fresh coverage from disney+, i have wanted to make this post. so much of this kid’s life and personality comes from being treated like he’s dumb or incapable, so it’s troubling to watch part of the fanbase reflect the harmful parts of this character’s upbringing. i truly hope it does not become common again. it’s also one thing coming from a neurodivergent/disabled person with similar experiences (and even then i personally find it a little uncomfortable), it’s another to be said by a neurotypical/able bodied person.

percy jackson’s experiences make for very important representation, and for people to characterize him as just a goofy, unintelligent guy is not only an insult to his character as a kid who is intelligent, but previously lacked the environment to show it, but also ableist. so in the dawn of the new tv series era, i ask that we cut that shit out. rick riordan did not create rep for neurodivergent and disabled kids for them to be called stupid by the fanbase. even jokingly.

[belit0]

Itachi with number 12 please, i need this man biblically 🛐

Me with Indra 🛐🛐 OKAY BUT WHAT IF ACTUALLY, the reader cheated on him with Shisui? That would be so hot.

NSFW prompts!

12) Imagine that Itachi and reader lived together. Itachi comes home one day and hears loud moaning coming from their bedroom, recognizing reader’s voice. Itachi assumes, to their horror, that reader is cheating on them, and they rush to the bedroom and open the door. Instead of seeing a cheating partner, Itachi actually walks in on reader masturbating/using sex toys while moaning out Itachi's name.

Being Hokage is one of the most daunting tasks of his life.

Itachi thought things were difficult when he had to prevent the almost military takeover his family was planning, when trying to stop Orochimaru from killing the Third Hokage, when preventing his best friend from committing suicide, when he had to remove that idiot Danzo and displace all the corrupt people from Konoha's power.

The villagers grew to love him so much, with him replacing the murky image of his clan with one of respect and responsibility, that there was no hesitation when a new leader for the community had to be chosen. A unanimous vote decreed him as the new Hokage, and Tobirama Senju is probably rolling over in his grave because an Uchiha reaches the pinnacle of authority.

Consumed by his new role, Itachi forgot what freedom was, leisure time, not being stressed or anxious about the amount of work he must do every day. Many old-school skeptics still believe him incapable, and he is determined to prove to everyone that not all Uchihas are demented psychopaths.

With the death of his father at his own hands, he had earned the hatred of the entire family, but he ended up making them understand the motives behind his actions, how wrong it would have been to allow the clan to take control by force. Shisui had been the mastermind behind the plan, and while people accused them of being double moralists for killing Fugaku and taking the leadership, they eventually understood that it was the right thing to do.

He tried to have his best friend be the one to take the position, but Shisui, missing an eye, excused himself under the pretext of nobody respecting a half-broken Uchiha, and absolved himself of the responsibility. With no other options, the people proclaimed Itachi as the village's savior, trusting the young boy to be capable of leading them all to a good future.

Drowned in meetings, events, documents, papers, he lost his free time, and returns home late at night every day. With his face ruined by fatigue and barely able to move his legs because of sitting all day, he manages to walk through the doors of his home, having refused to live in the Hokage's tower.

He knows who suffers the most from all of this is (Y/N).

Neither of them was prepared for events of such magnitude, everything happening overnight, and the period of adaptation was practically nil. Overnight, she lost her man's presence as if the earth had swallowed him up.

When Itachi comes home late at night, the girl is already asleep. When Itachi leaves home, early in the morning, the girl has already left for her own work.

Having lost close contact without warning, the Uchiha has almost no time to see her, talk to her, or connect with her in an intimate or sentimental way. Shuffling his feet, he makes it home, and after leaving his shoes at the door, he enters.

His ninja instincts kick in the moment he walks past the entrance, confused by the noise heard throughout the house in the middle of the night, when his wife should presumably be asleep.

He assumes the worst. The lack of touch, absence of dialogue, no physical presence had finally broken (Y/N)'s patience, and his wife decided to look for in other people what she had previously found in him.

Destroyed and with a heavy heart, he suddenly feels a huge emptiness in his chest, and becomes paralyzed. He cannot move, nor approach the room, neither can he open the door and find another man between his wife's legs. He doesn't know what his reaction would be, and he doesn't want to find out either.

Is he willing to throw it all away, everything he achieved, people's respect and affection built with painful effort just because his wife is also human and has needs? Killing the person who is pleasing her, replacing him, will only bring disgrace on everyone's head, with citizens wondering who they elected to rule. It would unleash new chaos as they would see him as an insane Uchiha and this would catapult that-.

"Where the fuck is he? He should have been here by now... dammit!" His wife's voice exclaims from the room, snapping him out of his dark lucubrations and bringing him back to reality. That doesn't sound like another person fucking her, does it?

Unsure, he approaches the half-open door, and peers through the gap of vision it provides. Could he have used his Sharingan to detect other presences in the house? Yes. Is he too consumed by his own inner demons to think about it? Also.

In front of his eyes, he sees a naked (Y/N) on the bed, legs spread and lying face up on the mattress, holding one of the toys they both use for their intimate moments. The object vibrates non-stop inches away from her pussy, but she seems to be distracted looking at the clock.

"What are you doing, (Y/N)?" Itachi asks in a mixture of confusion and relief, not understanding what his wife is up to but happy that she hasn't dumped him for someone else, watching the image with intrigue and helplessness.

Startled, she suddenly throws out the vibrator, her body involuntarily jumping in surprise, and it flies off towards the ceiling only to land on the floor "ITACHI!".

The Uchiha laughs, suddenly relaxed and calm, shaking off today's troubles and understanding his wife's effort to revive the passion their relationship was lately losing. "You should be sleeping, love." He walks over to her, and sits down on the bed.

"I wanted to surprise you... I know how stressed you are lately and maybe I could help you like this..." He takes her in his arms and all he wants to do is hug her, kiss her, squeeze her until suffocation and make her understand how much he loves her.

"Well, you succeeded, but let's not waste your state, hm?" He kisses her eagerly, pouncing on her even with the Hokage robe on, not losing a second.

Tomorrow, his work clothes will have strange light stains on them, but no one will dare ask where they came from.

[actual-changeling]

Since you have been the first 'Crowley deserves to have his boundaries' person I have seen in the tags on weeks. What do you think about the talk in the fandom on how Crowley should have accepted going to Heaven 'to do good and stop the Apocalypse' and that 'he also rejected Aziraphale'? It personally gives me the creeps because the narrative makes clear that Heaven is a big white nightmare but the fandom seems to be taking the 'Aziraphale might jot be perfect' thing hard and therefore Heaven is fixable now...

Glad to know I am not alone in my little boundaries corner! I'm always here for discussions about it.

And, oh boy, do I have thoughts on that, let's see if I can get them to be somewhat coherent.

I am going to start this off with a metaphor of sorts and hopefully people will be able to follow along. I'm an older sibling and have a little sister, and we grew up in an incredibly abusive and neglectful household.

When I graduated high school, I moved out for university, which was literally the best thing to ever happen to me - I got away, I was/am free! Now I have to deal with the consequences of all that shit though.

If my sister asked me to come back so I can help her fix our mother (entirely theoretical btw she'd never lol) would it be the right thing to say yes? Should I give up my personal freedom, my life, the healing process I am right in the middle of, to go back to a household that broke me? So I can be trapped with a person that will never change again?

The answer is, of course, no. I feel bad for my sister and I am praying she will be able o move out soon, but me going back would not solve a single fucking thing. See where I'm going with this yet?

Crowley left heaven and landed on earth, which was ultimately good for him, but he has a lot to process and heal from; he's right in the middle of his own recovery.

Heaven will not change, it cannot be changed. The entire institution is working as intended, and the intention is to be abusive, manipulative, and have as much power over everyone as possible. You cannot fix that, you need to get rid of it.

Aziraphale has good intentions, but he is also still trapped in that abusive household because he never moved out, he is the sibling that stayed behind, just mentally instead of physically.

Hot take, but many people in this fandom are incapable of understanding that "Aziraphale is acting based on good intentions and is still actively being abused/traumatized" and "Aziraphale did bad and unhealthy things and his relationship with Crowley was co-dependent and toxic" are co-existing. Both are true.

Both. are. true.

He did messed up shit out of a trauma response, but he is still responsible for his actions, and at the same time he deserves a chance to heal and move on from it. Please, at this point I am begging people to understand that this is not a black and white issue.

Crowley did not reject Aziraphale, if anything, Aziraphale rejected him.

Crowley said no to returning to an abusive environment for an impossible task. Crowley said no to sacrificing his mental and physical health for something that he knows will not happen. Crowley, for the first time in his life, set a clear and final boundary and put himself and his life over Aziraphale's wishes.

That is a good thing. It is necessary.

Season 3 will not be about Aziraphale fixing heaven or preventing the second coming (if anything it'll be accidental just like in season 1). It's going to be about him finding his way out of his abusive household and into a healthy environment in which they're both free and can heal.

Apart AND together.

It's not happily ever after, it's not perfect romance, it's not "soul-mates" or anything. It is messy, it is real, it is complicated, and I am so fucking tired of seeing it reduced to "love conquers all".

[thecryptidzenith]

Thinking about powerless witches in TOH. Like, for all the magicless characters in the show, for all of the reasons why they're powerless, none of them are born as powerless witches. In fact, it wouldn't be entirely unreasonable to assert that witches who are born powerless don't actually exist. The only confirmation of it is Hunter telling Luz a lie that Belos told him, and even Willow who was a late bloomer did eventually show incredible magical prowess.

But what if they do exist. What about the witches who could never go to school because you need to preform spells to get in. Witches who could still be considered wild witches despite being physically incapable of performing magic because no coven would have them. Witches thrown out of their houses as kids for not developing magic quickly enough, or even at all. What about the people who took 'low skill, low paying' jobs because those were the only ones that could be done without magic. Luz stumbles into the Boiling Isles thinking that it's a magical place, a safe haven from all her struggles. A place free from the racism and homophobia she would have inevitably experienced in the human realm. Luz projects a lot onto the Boiling Isles, I expect that little could shatter that image as much as knowing how much society hates people who are functionally the same as her. How much they hate people who don't have magic, and how she avoids it by virtue of being a human, by virtue of being exotic. Hell, what about a little human kid who fell through a puddle and didn't get picked up by Eda or by anyone for that matter. What about them?

If we want to go back farther--remember that there's no evidence that wild magic existed as a concept before Belos, and everything to suggest that he just made it up as a scapegoat. Before that, before people could actually buy the concept of wild magic, who would have supported Belos? What kind of witches would be interested in equality between them and magic users? Who would have had nothing to lose by supporting the restricting of magic that they never even had? Belos could have promised opportunity and greatness for powerless witches (or perhaps, magicless witches--for after this, they would not be powerless anymore) at a cost that they would never have to pay. Besides, the witches would only be limited to one kind of magic, they can't use any. It's just leveling the playing field. Once he had enough support and his rhetoric was legitimized, Belos switched gears, learning that it's better to have the people who can summon fireballs with a gesture on his side than those who can't. What happened to powerless witches then? How betrayed were they, and how did they fight Belos' targeting after that?

What about those few who managed to create something beautiful despite their lack of magic? Who managed to carve out a niche for themselves in an area which didn't involve magic? There's no evidence of mechanics schools on the Boiling Isles, and Alador's abomination contraptions are complicated mechanisms. Why would he have had any reason to learn mechanics when abomination magic was enough? Furthermore, who could he possibly learned mechanics from? Mechanics might have been disgraceful work when a powerless witch did it, but when Alador Blight (emphasis on the Blight) incorporated mechanics into abominations, he was hailed as an inventive genius.

Obviously, this is all the realm of headcanon. The effect of powerless witches and their place in the Boiling Isles goes unexplored in the show, and that's fine. TOH did what it set out to do, with significantly less time than it should have had to do it. TOH is a story about oppression in the broad and soft terms. It's about individuals who become powerless and their struggles which features a rebellion populated by only a few characters. The communities of the Boiling Isles, the covens themselves and Hexside and the implied powerless witches, are not the point. Their stories are not relevant to the story of TOH.

But it's interesting to think about, isn't it? To imagine how these systems and communities would have actually worked. TOH is chalked full of allegory, specifically allegory of marginalized groups (most specifically, queer groups.) Hell, the thesis of the first episode is 'we weirdos have to stick together.' It might as well be: 'we queers have to stick together.' Powerlessness is quite obviously a disability allegory, Eda's curse is treated like a chronic illness, etc. The scenarios presented above just get a little more specific with it.

I understand why they these ideas are ignored by canon. The Boiling Isles are magical, that's the whole point. How drab would it be to follow characters who don't participate in that magic, who may be actively resentful of it. You want your audience to relate to your characters (generally,) and the audience of a show about a girl falling into a magical world is going to want to see that magical world and the magical people who occupy it. A character who despises magic and society's reliance on it would be at odds with an audience who is enthralled by magic. The exploration of the specifics and complexities of oppression is superfluous to the story, so why include it beyond broad allegory?

Cause it's fun, is the obvious answer, but I suppose that's the fandom's job, isn't it?

Anyway. Thinking about powerless witches.

[gonegrove]

Thinking about heather x eddie bc I’m nothing if not a champion of rare pairs in this comm

But just the “god he’s so fucking LAME and CRINGE and EMBARRASSING I need him CARNALLY” energy is so intense. Heather who prides herself in being The Bitch™️ and boasting about how all the boys are thirsty for her but she’s Too Good for them realizing that she wasn’t into popular hot boys because her type was scrawny shaggy haired freaks with awful personalities and a huge gatekeeping streak.

Heather realizing that the only one who can go toe to toe with her in a vaguely toxic and absolutely mean argument about some asinine shit like A Movie or SoCiEtY is Eddie Fucking Munson and it’s also unbelievably erotic to her and being like “i need to kill myself IMMEDIATELY”

Heather and Eddie as Janet and frank n furter in a rocky horror production bc they’re both attention whores, both into music as a Serious Thing and Eddie just loves anything not mainstream and music related so like ofc he went in for it. And the whole thing quickly turns into a 2 man cats the musical orgy energy shitshow bc they both just get TOO INTO PERFORMING. She’s trying to act soooooooooo normal but sadly eddie on stage singing his heart out half naked is literally too erotic for her. The entire crews job turns into just keeping them from screwing back stage like the horny theater kids they are. Good thing too bc she’s always this close to giving him a bj and if she actually did she’d have to walk into the lake never to return.

She’s actively avoiding any place he’s preforming bc she cannot be held responsible for what she might do if she sees him on stage playing guitar and she doesn’t wanna be arrested.

Eddie realizing that the most popular girl in school (I stand by heather being the Main Bitch and Chrissy simply gaining her crown after her death) is HILARIOUSLY INTO HIM. LIKE ANGRY HORNY. And first being like wtf???? Before he sees the opportunity here for Evil and is immediately delighted. Decides it’s open season for revenge of several years of bullying but pointing out to her how she wants him sooooooo bad it makes her look stupid.

Eddie challenging her to read all of Tolkien’s works, and Heather who’s physically incapable of backing down doing it and coming back with notes like “fëanor is RIGHT actually, so is melkor. I cannot believe you like this pansy ass gay apologetics shit what are you catholic??” And he’s both LIVID ON SO MANY LEVELS but also WILDLY AROUSED. There’s just something about a hot popular chick confidently having the most vile takes on his cringe exclusionary nerd shit that gets him hard. He’s horrified by this fact but also knows she wants him bad anyway so like really it’s just a matter of self control and can his self-esteem/pride take it.

All of his friends hate her and he’s like “yeah 😍 me too 😍”

She gets roped into going to/preforming in Some Town Event oblivious to the fact he is too and that’s when she gets arc of the covenant’d with his guitar playing. Mind snaps. Will power gone. He’s the shittiest dude she’s ever met she doesn’t like him AT ALL but sadly he’s also the Perfect Man and she needs him IMMEDIATELY. Legit jumps him the SECOND she can.

The kinda ppl who’ll continue an argument during sex.

Eddie loving every second of little miss rich and popular being soooo down bad for him. Loving having this level of control over someone who’s usually so “out of his league”. Loving how he can turn her brain off and make her shut up like it’s a magic trick.

Eddie slowly realizing there’s parts of heather that she never shows to anyone but he’s gotten a peak of, intentionally or not, and getting kinda possessive of that.

Heather laying on his shitty gross ass bed listening to his music and taking it seriously and talking about it musical artist to musical artist.

Heather calling his dnd group shit like “his pathetic gay loser circle jerk” and he’s just like “baby I’m going to kill you with a brick 😍”

Heather bodily taking over his hair and skin care routine. Even brushing his hair sometimes and explaining it all for when she’s not there and he’s like “lol you know I’m not doing all that”

[theshampyon]

Holy shit, more Glass Onion thoughts that I have to purge from my brain. Some of these are things I saw others commenting on on other sites. Some are Shower Thoughts. (Can't believe I didn't notice the first one.) Possible SPOILERS ahead...

When we first see Miles Bron he's playing Blackbird on a white guitar. He says it's the guitar Paul McCartney wrote the song on. The guitar is right-handed. Paul McCartney plays left handed.

I think this is one of a bunch of things in the film Bron paid big money for, never knowing he was being ripped off. Blanc solves Gillian Flynn's Murder Mystery before it even begins because it's not hidden very well, but Bron isn't smart enough to realise it. The Puzzle Box features, in Blanc's words, "Children's puzzles", because the puzzle maker knew Bron wouldn't recognise a proper adult puzzle if he saw one. (So who knows, maybe that wasn't really the Mona Lisa after all.)

Everyone calls the chess puzzle an "endgame." It's not an endgame. It's a move called "The Fool's Mate," so called because it can only be achieved if the White player royally fucks up. Basically, it's the dumbest way to achieve mate. It's also not strictly speaking an endgame. But people who don't actually know chess (like myself, I confess) wouldn't know that.

The Fool's Mate is solved by... the fool's mates.

Back to Benoit calling the puzzles "children's games". They really are. None of require analytical thinking or deductive reasoning. Just recognising patterns that are familiar to their friend group and social class. Not riddles, just references.

The first being the most obvious - a Magic Eye, which some people are physically incapable of seeing and thus could never solve. And even those who can see them do not need wit or reasoning to solve it, just the ability to kinda cross their eyes a bit. In the 1990s, when these characters were teens, Magic Eye puzzles were literally sold as a child's puzzle.

And even then, they needed help. Without Duke's mother, none of them would have solved the boxes. Not even head Bron's main technology department head Lionel, who sure as shit should be able to recognise a Fibonacci sequence when he sees one. It's the kind of thing taught in High School. Yet none of these Special People, these brilliant Disruptors, saw an answer that a very pointedly normal older lady did. Because the movie is telling us right from the beginning that they're not special. All of then are in their positions due to Bron's money and influence, not their actual intellect and skill.

But Benoit didn't necessarily know that about the boxes at the time. He'd never seen the box intact, and he didn't realise Bron is actually an idiot until much later. Which makes me think Benoit said it purely to get Bron off balance. (Also, he may not have been able to solve the box if he had one intact, precisely because it's stupid. Benoit admits such simple puzzles are his Achilles' Heel, which is why he loses the Among Us game in the bathtub!)

This is all also why working class Helen can't solve them. She's smart - a better lateral thinker and riddle solver than any of the Shitheads - but she's not part of their social class. She doesn't know their rote cultural signifiers. (But I bet she would have solved the Fibonacci one.)

So she, in keeping with the Greek theme, cuts the Gordian Knot. Presented with the puzzle as barrier to a prize, most assume the solution is to solve it. Like Alexander the Great, she thinks outside the assumed constraints and simply removes the barrier.

The Greek theme, of course, including the naming of the characters. Andy a.k.a. Cassandra, who foresaw great peril but was not believed. Her sister Helen, whose coming brought about the end of an empire - "the face launched a thousand ships" (or in this case, a fleet of police boats).

I gotta rewatch this. There's bound to be a thousand more little details that I didn't catch the first time around.

[saintofanything]

get to know me game

tysm for the tag @tjarry ur the bestest ♥

do you make you bed? no because one time i read it deters bedbugs and that was all the excuse i needed

what's your job? i work 2 part-time jobs (multi-position big box store and home health aid) as well as selling my art at cons and streaming when i can for extra income

if you could go back to school, would you? i really want to but $$$ ive even been looking into seeing if my one job will cover my tuition :(

can you parallel park? technically yes but i havent done it in years and i would rather walk many, many, many blocks before trying it even with my tiny car and back-up camera

do you think aliens are real? 100% it's just to what degree!

can you drive a manual car? no fucking way

guilty pleasure? i dont believe in shame as a concept but the closest is that i read all the very fake stories on reddit like the morning newspaper

tattoos? no im not cool enough but i have many i've considered!

favorite color? neon blue/cyan

favorite type of music? i listen to everything but top 3 would be oldies (30s/40s), folk punk/alternative, and kpop.

do you like puzzles? not really lol

any phobias? i like to think i have whats called "reasonable level of fear" for the common ones but drowning or being stranded at sea is one of my worst fears, i don't like swimming or travelling across in bodies of water because of it. if i can't swim to shore i dont want it.

childhood sport? i was a soccer kid~

do you talk to yourself? i am physically incapable of shutting up

tea or coffee? tea, especially iced with sweetened flavors~

what was the first thing you wanted to be when you grew up? idk for sure but the earliest one i remember is being an ASPCA officer/vet. i wanted to help animals so badly but quickly realized i would be in jail for delivering wholesale cans of whoopass

what movies do you adore? i love horror, action-adventure, sci-fi, and the occasional blockbuster!

tagging for fun, anyone who reads this is welcome to join in and no pressure to anyone who doesn't wanna do it lol~ hope youre all doing well!! @oliviabelova @nedeljkovicsaysno @stellocchia @cornerihaunt

[miladythewinter]

long & depressing personal vent post under the cut bc i've been thinking about this since last night and need to write it down

i literally haven't done anything in life and even like my knowledge of stuff is not as expansive as i imagine it to be. i'm continually faced with the fact i'm a loser. i am, really. it's okay

i'm 30 years old (soon 31) and i live with my parents and have always done so. i have no career and no prospects. sometimes i feel okay about this but other times it obviously scares me because precarity is bad and you can't make long-term plans and it's also the reason i can't move out.

even at this age, i really don't know what to do with my life. this is mostly because of my personality which is not conducive to success. not only am i an introvert but i'm an extremely resigned person. i resign myself to any situation and then have no motivation to change it. i fall into comforting habits and routines super easily. i never had friends outside of school and i've always done things alone so i've had a pretty small life. excepting work, i feel like i have the life experience of a 19 year old. and i don't feel like a person who lives, but as someone who merely exists, day by day, week by week, time passing me by. it somehow doesn't bother me to the point of hopelessness that i'm this old and never had a relationship or a good job. it's like its just my lot in life and i accept it.

(i think part of why this is is that i can relativize anything. yes, i live in a small, boring place but it's beautiful. yes, i live with my parents but they're fine and we get along. yes, i don't have a career or a steady job but i have savings. etc. so ultimately i come to the conclusion that i'm a privileged person despite it all so maybe things aren't that bad. whether that's a conclusion that just feeds into my resigned nature is a question for another day)

it's already april and for the past 6 months i've been unemployed and barely leave my neighborhood. in fact, 90% of my life has taken place here. days - a week - go by without me leaving the perimeter of the 3 streets i exist in. again, somehow this doesn't really bother me until i realize other people don't actually live like this.

my life is so empty and unfulfilled and yet i'm incapable of realizing that and doing something about it, even though i have the material conditions to do so. why? because it doesn't register as a problem to me. it's just my normal. the same as it always has been. this is the crux of my problem. i'm in too deep.

i live in my own world and have always done so since i was a kid. i won't go into details but the extent to which i'm withdrawn and insulated as a person is kind of impressive. i don't even register the fact i'm lonely, most of the time, even though i spend most of my time in my room, in my house and in those same 3 streets, always alone.

to me, this is already so ingrained that it doesn't even affect me emotionally in my day-to-day life; despite all this, i'm a very calm and relatively happy person. because this life makes me happy. because it's what i've always known and what is normal to me.

now, with all this in mind, 2 things scare me the most:

1) that i'll somehow be "forced" to care for my parents when the time comes so i'll effectively live the rest of my life in the same house i grew up in and in the same town (which, regardless of my parents, is a strong possibility) without being able to leave.

2) that i'll have a health condition - mental or physical - that will suddenly affect my life and prevent me from enjoying it or doing the things i can still do to change it.

then, i also avoid thinking about the fact i might never get to experience love or that i'll die alone and forgotten. but those aren't as prevalent in my thoughts probably because i subconsciously realize that things like love, relationships & real friends are for other people and not a part of my world. i could never have those things because my life as it is simply can't lead me to them - consequently, this is why i don't even feel their absence, it just doesn't register to me (which is why i always see them as something that could happen not to "me" as i am, but to "me" in an alternative universe where i'd be completely different).

i dream about them and i so wish it would happen but i simply Know it will never happen if everything remains the same. it's cause and effect and if the cause remains the same, then the effects will too.

anyway, i don't really want answers to this or solutions, i just needed to put it into words so i get it off my chest and mind. i know what i need to do and i know it takes years (things have already improved a bit since i started therapy in 2015 and age also helps with some things) but hopefully, once i start working in may, things will at least improve somewhat. they will

[fluffyllamas-23]

🎮🩹🐈🍃🍝 for Jason and Ryan?

Thank you for this! As a refresher, Jason is an elementary school principal, and Ryan is an attorney. I’m also including Paul and Aiden like you suggested the other day. Paul is a writer who recently published his first novel and has had some short stories published in magazines. Aiden owns a christmas tree farm with his family (okay that’s kind of a random occupation, I know, but last year I decided I needed some OCs modeled after hallmark movie characters so here they are lmfao). Some slight TW for mentions of ab//use

🎮 What are three of your oc's favorite hobbies?

Jason: Pretty much all of his hobbies are outdoors or involve being active. He loves to hike. It helps him clear his mind and get his thoughts in order if his ADHD meds aren’t doing their job. He likes to go with Ryan, too. He’s into rock climbing as well. He never does it outside, but he’ll go to the gym that has a really nice rock climbing wall and can spend hours there. He also plays soccer in a rec league. He played soccer for years, all through high school and in college, and now he has the rec league to get his soccer fix.

Ryan: Ryan loves to read, and his favorite genre is high fantasy. He has a few authors whose work he loves to relax to, and he will frequently re-read books. If he’s had a really long and stressful day, he’ll come home and pick up his VERY well loved copy of LOTR and will read that for a bit to decompress. He loves to hike, too. It’s something he and Jason like to do together. Sometimes they bring their kids on kid-friendly ones, other times they find someone to watch them so they can do more strenuous ones. He loves to play the piano, too. He’s been playing off and on for a number of years, and really enjoys finding his favorite movie scores and trying to teach them to himself. 

Paul: Paul is a big art history buff. He loves going on museum dates with Aiden (they’re his FAVORITE dates), and going to the museum when there are new exhibits. He also has a few pieces from his favorite artists hanging up in his office and their house. He’s a big reader, too. Kind of cliche for a writer, but he truly believes that the best way to write well is to consume as much literature as possible, so he does. When he was married to his ex, he loved reading because it was an escape from his really toxic relationship and something he could dissociate with. Now, though, he reads more for enjoyment and relaxation. He’s really into film as well. He has favorites from all decades and will spend hours listening to podcasts on his favorite ones and consuming as much media about them as possible. 

Aiden: Aiden is clinically insa-I mean loves to run! He was on the cross-country team all throughout middle and high school, and kept it up after. It’s something that’s really grounding and soothing for him, and he’ll often go on a second run if he’s feeling extra stressed for whatever reason that day. He likes pottery, too, and will often go to the local pottery shop where he can take classes. One day he’d like to have a studio setup in their house, but until then he just goes to the shop. He’s a really great cook, too and loves it a lot. He loves challenging himself to make really complicated recipes and can usually pull them off beautifully. Paul also enjoys this hobby of his because he always benefits from it lmao. 

🩹 Does your oc have any physical and/or mental disabilities?

Jason: Jason has no physical disabilities, but he is neurodivergent. He has ADHD and is medicated for it. He takes meds everyday which usually help beautifully - it quiets his brain and allows him to be much more organized in his day to day life. He’s an elementary school principal and he NEEDS to be able to be quick and with it enough when managing his employees, the kids, and their parents. It’s a lot and he would feel incapable of doing it well if he weren’t medicated. On days where his normal dose doesn’t work for whatever reason, he’s been prescribed another low dose, quick release med he can take to give him the boost he needs. He’s also dyslexic. He had the loveliest tutor when he was in school who had a lot of experience working with students who have learning disabilities and it helped him make it through. As an adult, he still won’t read for fun because he finds it stressful. It’s difficult to keep his place, and the words get all jumbled up and he gets really frustrated. He can do it for work when he has to but he has to really slow down and take his time. One of his office managers, Alaina, will often read whatever it is to him and help him transcribe emails as long as it’s not any sensitive student information he has to read. She’s pretty much family at this point (he was her student in his first year of teaching, so he’s known her for a lot of her life) and she never makes him feel judged or embarrassed by needing help.  

Ryan: Ryan doesn’t have any physical or mental disabilities. 

Paul: Paul has no physical disabilities, but he has anxiety and depression and is medicated for both. The antidepressants are an everyday, he MUST take them, kind of thing, but the anxiety meds are more for if all of his coping mechanisms aren’t working and he needs them on a rescue-basis. 

Aiden: Aiden has no physical or mental disabilities.

🐈 Does your oc prefer a wide circle of friends or a few close friends?

Jason: Jason has a wide circle of friends that he likes to hang out with sometimes. They’ll all go out to the movies, or for dinner and drinks, stuff like that. Most of them also have kids, so they’ll often have gatherings where the kids can go hang out while the adults do as well. Even though he loves that bigger group of friends, he has a pretty small circle of a handful of friends he’d consider his best friends.

Ryan: Ryan prefers a smaller circle of friends. He’s not a huge fan of large social gatherings, though he’ll sometimes come to dinner and drinks with Jason’s larger group of friends. Sometimes he’ll go out for happy hour with his coworkers at his firm, too, but overall he definitely prefers to keep a really small close group of friends. 

Paul: Paul is really introverted. It takes a while for him to trust people enough to let them in because he just doesn’t trust people easily. His ex-husband was abusive and really isolated him, so he lost a lot of friends during that relationship. He’s slowly building his social circle back, but it’s just going to take awhile. 

Aiden: Aiden has a larger social circle than Paul, but he’s not looking to expand it, really. He still doesn’t have a ton of friends in his social circle, as he really prefers quality over quantity. 

🍃 What is/was your oc's favorite subject in school?

Jason: Jason was a big fan of hands-on subjects.  His favorite academic subject was any science class he took that had a heavy hands-on component, and his favorite non-academic subjects were ceramics and woodshop. He’s really good at working with his hands and I think if he hadn’t gone into teaching, he’d have skipped college and gone to some sort of trade school.

Ryan: Ryan’s favorite subjects in school were pretty much any history class, and his speech and debate classes. That may be kind of cliche bc lawyer, but he really thrived in those classes.

Paul: His favorite classes were always his English classes. He’s always loved all sorts of literature and writing, and had always had his teachers tell him he should seriously consider becoming a writer. He also loved history, specifically the art history courses he took in college. He would frequently take those as his elective even if they weren’t technically considered electives. 

Aiden: Aiden was NOT an academic person. He didn’t like school, and there were no subjects he was passionate about. He hated being stuck inside, he hated the fluorescent lights, and he hated having to sit for long stretches of time. He’s smart and did well by just skating by but he resented having to sit and learn everything lmao. He did really like gym class and ended up being in cross country in middle and high school. He just has a lot of energy and it wasn’t conducive to having to sit for long periods of time. 

🍝 What is/are your oc's favorite food(s)?

Jason: Jason is your classic ADHD “hyperfixation meal” kinda guy. He’ll only want to eat something for weeks and then all of a sudden is so tired of it and doesn’t want it anymore, and then he’ll move onto the next thing. He’s not really a fan of complicated, fancy food. He’d much rather have pizza and wings, or mac n cheese, or a burger than going to grab sushi.

Ryan: Ryan, in contrast to his husband, is a big fan of really interesting food, complex food. He really likes any kind of Asian food, especially sushi and will frequently go get it with the other partners and attorneys at his firm. 

Paul: Paul really loves diner food. Grilled cheese, mac n cheese, burgers, that kind of thing. He also likes steak, which is good because Aiden loves that. He’s pretty picky and likes what he likes. His ex always made him feel guilty for his food preferences and would often make comments about how he can’t have what he likes because Paul is soooooo picky and it would make him feel bad. Aiden will tell him not to feel bad about what he wants to eat and he’s happy to go wherever Paul wants to go.

Aiden: Aiden is a big steak and potatoes person. He loves loaded baked potatoes and loaded baked potato soup, and if he could subsist solely on steak and potatoes, he WOULD. He and Paul will frequently go out on dates to the museum and then finish the night off with a fancy steakhouse. 

[lightbarebunnies]

Hello! I saw that you have opened up requests and are willing to do match-ups! Could I possibly have one, please?

I'm 5'9'' and a little on the heavier side (she/her) with shoulder length, curly red hair and gray/blue eyes.

As for my hobbies, I love to draw and paint (charcoal is one of my favorite mediums) and I absolutely love creating fantasy world maps (I'm currently working on one for my Capstone creative writing final). I love writing and am in the process of writing my first book (what the map is for). I love gardening and I have a very large veggie and herb selection (My apple and peach trees are supposed to fruit next year and I'm super excited!). Foraging is something that I love. I love playing rhythm games, TTRP's ( I often play as a rogue), and video games. My favorite food would be Soba, my favorite drink would be Vanilla milk tea. Music wise, some of my favorite bands include Icon for Hire, Ghost Town, Good with Grenades, Skillet, and Breaking Benjamin.

Personality wise, I'm incredibly shy at first but when you get to know me, I can be more outgoing, I'll just need to recharge the social battery afterwards. I want to be helpful but there are times that I'm not really sure how. In high school, I was the mom friend. Anything you needed, it was most likely in the backpack. Snacks, water, lotion, a spoon (I carried a set of silverware all the time cause you never know), pain meds, hygiene products. A swiss army bag, is what my teachers called it. I have very high anxiety and can get overwhelmed very easily if I'm not careful.

My love language (giving) would be acts of service and quality time. Receiving would be physical touch and quality time.

I'm sorry if this is a lot, I wasn't sure what to put here so I just did a bit of everything! Take your time and remember to take care of yourself!

Oohh, this was a fun! It's my first time writing one of these - I might've gotten a little carried away though. If you aren't interested in my thought/decision making process, skip to the bottom!

Alright. So, I (as an autistic person) have a special interest in typology. While I'm not an expert by any means, it's just a really enjoyable way for me to analyse things - will be using some of the terms in my explanation. You don't need to know anything about enneagrams really, they're just an easy way for me to use talking points :3

Alright, initially, I decided to just think of anyone I think would have something in common with you. The list of your potential matches were

Natsume (Major Gamer, a fan of fantasy and thus creative writing, a pretty talented gardener)

Madara (Same favorite food! He is also in Kaori, which is a tea appreciation circle.)

Rei (LOVES gardens, but not so much gardening itself. Would definitely keep you company while you worked, provided there's shade. Perhaps he's introduced to you through his tea-loving brother?)

Eichi (He too is a writer, an enjoyer of gardens, and tea!)

Niki (I can imagine a nice dynamic between the two of you, he'd go crazy for your fresh produce, but you'd likely need to keep him from eating all of it.)

Ritsu (Tea fan, and a member of CRAFTMONSTER. I think he'd really benefit from your prepared-ness, as well!)

Midori (Gardener!)

Yuzuru (He is an artist!)

With that in mind, I did a little bit of just general thinking. At that point your top choices were Rei and Madara, but I wanted to delve a bit deeper.

Once I did that, I looked through each character's enneagrams to get a general idea what their basic fear and desires are. Yuzuru - 1 (Fears imbalance and being corrupted, desires balance and integrity.) Rei - 2 (Fears being unloved or unlovable, desires to be appreciated.) Eichi - 3 (Fears being considered worthless, desired to be needed) Natsume - 5 (Fears incapability or being unable to help oneself, desires understanding of the world around them) Midori - 6 (Fears being alone or lacking support, desires guidance) Madara - 7 (Fears being trapped, desires a feeling of contentedness) Niki, Ritsu - 9 (Fears loss and social rifts, desires peace of ones social circle)

I'm not the best at typing people currently, but from what you described I can see you having type 2 or 6 influences, likely as 6w5 or a 3w2.

Then I considered what you would bring to a relationship, your love languages both giving and receiving, and how they fit into everything. You're a carer. You care, you think of every possibility and prepare for anything. You then provide that to those you love so that they also have anything they may need. In my opinion - Rei, and Madara are the two that need to just have someone to be their person, the ones who sticks around even after they break down and stop being 'useful' or 'appealing'. One of the key differences between those two is that Madara is more extroverted and Rei is more introverted.

With all of that in mind… I'd match you with Rei!

You and Rei would have a Morticia and Gomez Addams type of romance. He adores you, you're absolutely enamored with him, and no one would ever question your relationship.

Rei usually brings an umbrella with him as he watches you tend to your garden, chatting with you about practically anything - if it's with you, it's bound to be entertaining. He's deeply interested in your creative writing, and likely would pick up TTRPGS to play them alongside you. He's a bit of a social chameleon, able to match your energy regardless of what level.

You offer him a place to belong, a home he can always return to. His clinginess can come and go, especially if he's in need of your attention, which comes from his lonely childhood. I think after some time he'd be far more comfortable and trusting of your bond... but he's still the type to always want to have a hand on you when you're in public. Resting it on the small of your back, holding your hand, his arm around your shoulder - it doesn't matter, he just wants to feel you there.

He tends to your needs, doing his best to ease your anxieties and reassuring you that things will be okay, and that he isn't going anywhere. When times are tough, and you feel totally overwhelmed, Rei would pull you close (likely to cuddle on a couch more often than his coffin) and just hold you. He wants you to feel him, his hand combing through your curls, to be reminded that in this moment you're here, with him, in the present. He'll ask you to share what it is that's on your mind, listening attentively as you lay in his arms. While not completely fearless himself, Rei is more than happy to battle your demons.

[otomes-and-tears]

I have....MANY THOUGHTS ON OL2 YOU DONT EVEN KNOW--

Could I ask for,,,,something with Tamarack (step 2) and Fem!MC (Bestie or Crush status with Tama) who kind of looks a bit intimidating physically but the nicest,most wholesome gal ever! Maybe a romantic headcanons-like thingy for these two,or a fic,YOUR CHOICE!! All I ask is wholesomeness and fluff-- I JUST NEED SOME CONTENT PLS AND THANK U 🙇‍♀️😭💕

♦ Step 2 Tamarack with an intimidating Fem!MC ♦

► tags and warnings: stray cats

► words: 1530

► A/N: I don’t usually write headcanons and a one shot for the same prompt, but after i got halfway through the story I realised I went too off-topic (again.) and decided to make it up by writing headcanons too!

By the way, anon— I also have a lot of thoughts about OL2. And I love hearing people talk about these characters, so if you feel like it i’d love to hear your thoughts!

► Masterlist

► Headcanons

They’re kind of a weird pair for anyone else;

MC just… Looks scary. She looks perpetually bored and annoyed;

And even if she’s shorter than you the way she just looks up at you makes it seem like she’s looking down at you;

People just steer clear of her entirely, regardless of if they look at her in admiration for being so effortlessly cool or are terrified at being turned to stone with the intensity of her gaze;

It has always kind of been like this;

Making friends was always difficult, whether she tried to be talkative or was quieter, so at some point she just accepted this as her reality;

Well, her neighbours were a notable exception;

Tamarack and Qiu were endlessly friendly and didn’t really seem all too bothered by her intimidating appearance;

Instead, they were more than willing to keep her company;

As they grew up and MC and Tamarack became close, other people might’ve found it strange for them to still be this friendly towards each other;

When Tamarack was all soft, sweet and awkward while MC seemed like the opposite;

But it didn’t matter if they looked strange together, MC and Tamarack were always together and nothing could ever change that;

MC would sometimes take advantage of the way others perceived her;

No one would dare talk ill of Tamarack, not when she was explicitly under Mc’s protection;

And Tamarack kind of appreciated knowing that she was one of the few people who knew MC was a huge softie;

Even if she wished more people could see MC for how kind and wholesome she was instead of her intimidating appearance;

I just love the idea of Tamarack gifting MC like… Sanrio plushies and people thinking that wasn’t like MC at all;

But MC just tears up because she’s so happy;

Tamarack is also one of the few people to know that MC is a huge romantic;

And Mc would put so much effort into her confession;

It would probably be on the same date they first met and if possible, in the same place.

+ EXTRA

Tamarack could never understand how people could find MC intimidating.

Well, maybe it’s because she has known you for so long. After years of being neighbours, of seeing each other every single day, there was no way she didn’t know that Mc’s intimidating facade was just that— a façade.

Underneath the surface, she was the sweetest and most caring person Tamarack had ever had the pleasure of meeting. Completely harmless, and someone entirely deserving of the best friend title.

(Even if, secretly, Tamarack yearned for more)

Still, that was Mc’s reality. People at school either thought she was effortlessly cool, in the same cold, standoffish way that Qiu acted nowadays or just plain scary.

It was enough that people would either approach her in admiration or steer clear of her entirely. She had even heard strange rumours surrounding MC, blaming her for evil acts that Tamarack knew her incapable of doing.

Either way, people didn’t understand how Tamarack, in all her soft, round corners and pastel pinks could ever work with MC. But it didn’t matter if other people didn’t think they made sense, because, for Tamarack, they do.

It’s cold outside when Tamarack leaves her music class, pulling a scarf over her nose to try and combat the chill. She usually doesn’t have the same sensitivity to the cold as most people— as a kid she’d wear shorts in the middle of autumn, but this autumn seemed far colder than previous ones.

She easily finds MC at the entrance, leaning down to play with a cat as she waited for Tamarack’s practice to end so they could walk home together.

The cat purrs and rubs its face against the hand that Mc had stretched out. Tamarack notes the little smile gracing Mc’s features, a small tug at the corner of her lips, maybe imperceptible to anyone else, but incredibly telling to someone who knows her closely. She seems so relaxed, so peaceful as she strokes the cat’s fur, that tamarack can’t find her anything less than beautiful at that moment.

“Do you think it’s a stray?”

Tamarack says, in lieu of a greeting, adjusting the straps on her cello’s case so the weight was distributed correctly. 

“I’m guessing so. It didn’t have a collar, and no microchip as far as I can tell.” Mc’s hand travels to rub against the cat’s neck, trying to pet and feel for a microchip at the same time. “ She seems older, too…”

Tamarack notices small fur patches missing, where scars had scabbed over. She seemed thinner too— not the healthy plump bodies of the cats that usually frequented the area. 

She knew that the piano teacher would always feed the kittens that lived close by, but this one either had walked a long way to get here or wasn’t accepted by the local cats and was thereby deprived of food.

Her heart tugged at her chest as that thought crossed her mind. 

“Oh, poor thing!” 

Tamarack approached quietly, leaning forwards and offering one of her hands for the cat to smell. It was so friendly that it approached her itself after only the slightest hesitation, sniffing her for a moment before deciding that she was a friend and was allowed to give it pets.

“I’m worried that it’ll freeze if it’s left here in the cold.” 

MC says, seriously. She seemed pleased at Tamarack and the kitten getting along well together, but that wasn’t enough to quell her worry.

“Do you know if there are any shelters nearby?”

Tamarack asks. If there was anyone who would know about local shelters, it would be MC, who’d often volunteer her time and come back talking for days about all the sweet animals she had befriended.

“Not at walking distance,” MC answered, without missing a beat. “I… want to take it home with me.”

She admits. For a moment Tamarack thinks that she’s joking, her tone as flat and serious as ever, but at a second glance, she could tell by the way her brows furrowed ever so slightly that she was serious, and had been thinking about this for a while.

It wasn’t the first time MC had declared such a thing— her love for animals and endless empathy meant that she often felt the temptation to bring strays home, but it was rare that she ever went through with it (with the expectation of a notable time at 10 when Tamarack assisted MC into sneaking a hurt puppy into her bedroom, which got them both into major trouble the next morning when the puppy was inevitably found).

“Won’t your mother get mad?”

Tamarack asks, though it’s a mere formality as the responsible friend and voice of reason. After all, there was not much she can say or do to change MC’s mind once she’d gotten an idea into her head.

She was stubborn like that, and it was one of the little things that the redhead loved about her. Just like she loved her kindness and how she was willing to do so much for the sake of doing good and helping others, even if other people wouldn’t show MC the same compassion.

“Probably, but she’ll understand once I speak to her,” MC says, resolutely. Well, MC’s mother could be a little strict, but she was reasonable. “We can take it somewhere safe later. I just want to make sure that it will be okay right now.”

MC takes off her scarf to wrap it around the cat, fussing a little to make sure it’s comfortable in her hold and isn’t too stressed out by her sudden actions.

But it’s surprisingly calm, like it knows, like Tamarack, that as long as they stick with MC they’re in safe hands.

Tamarack coos at the cat on MC’s hold, and MC seems so proud of herself and her decision.

MC gets up from where she was crouched on the ground, stopping to make sure that the cat was okay with the change in perspective, and motioned her head to tamarack slightly, signalling that she was ready to go.

They start their path home together, the same one they’ve walked through a hundred times over, but it somehow feels different right now. Maybe because MC is cradling a scarred cat this time, or maybe because Tamarack’s feelings for her crush seemed to have changed— the warmth and gentle fluttering she’d become used to becoming so overwhelming she couldn’t really focus on anything else aside from her own heartbeat.

“It’s going to be okay. I’ll take care of you, and if I’m not able to do it for long I’ll make sure you go to a good home.” Mc says, her voice low and comforting “You’re so kind, you deserve not to feel lonely anymore.” Tamarack could be indecisive— not yet having figured out how exactly she fit into the world, but the one thing that she was certain of was that the MC, with all her compassion and sweetness, would never, ever feel lonely as long as she was around.

[hardpacker]

i did an interview yday and i sort of touched on this but not all of it, so i'm sharing these notes

i draw and write what i do because i want my work to look like me and i want to see me in it.

i'm not good at letting gender be a "vibe" or a "moodboard", intangible like that. in fact "my gender is __ even though i don't look like it, yeah it's my ‘aesthetic’" is pretty distressing for me. lack of embodiment and living exclusively thru projection/formless reflection is distressing. the queerness and queer sex i was formatively exposed to and gravitated toward was... classic, hard, hairy, leathery and even difficult to pin down with titles but still highly physical, or elicited that response/impulse in me. a lot of memories are lost to me and i don't know how to recover them— and so much time spent without another soul to reflect on it. i remember the first internet porno spam i saw. leafing thru erotic coffee table erotica. European comics about bears and twinks hooking up on the Mediterranean. Blixa Bargeld's strap-on harness. wet messy yaoi. but little for me to Be, in a real way.

it's so fucked and also only a teeny tiny example of a far bigger thing but i'll always remember when i first posted a picture of myself on deviantart, i think i was like 15 or 16, and people were like "oh i expected someone skinnier." this clearly really stayed with me, and it isn't an outlier. although it didn't shift anything then, things like this built up over time and my relationship to/presence in my work very slowly evolved. socially and in school, from the top down or among peers, there was no incentive or encouragement to draw trans people, fat people, anyone outside of stock shit, at all. you could work and labour and be rewarded for breaking yourself in half, all the while it's happening in a viciously transphobic environment. 

over the years things have changed for better and worse as we pursue "representation" and "visibility," but i was really burnt by fluctuations in online culture that lead to trans men having to Be One Thing with either proper scars and muscle, or a textureless circle, and the sex they have is supposed to be smooth and tearful and deferential in service to the man or woman— or image of masculinity/femininity— they're with. and you still get fucking harasses for venturing outside of this, both in the work and as a real living person. i'd rather just be called a woman or a slur because at least that's an honest reaction, and not this cruelty, pity, disguised as care.

however, i also want to say that i was never given the benefit of the doubt that i was sweet and small and shy. there are the benefits of whiteness, certainly. but not transness. i've never been treated that way or protected by it. not with friends or family or police or the court. i don't think "sweetness" is neutral or that it's the most pressing issue that trans men face. being ill is its own strange degendering or forcibly gendered experience. being fat and ugly is its own degendering experience in which i have more in common with fat people of all genders. being seen as violent, visibility of transition only increasing this baseless expectation, that you can turn on a dime, that it's all harm or just plain difficulty waiting to happen and that's justification for being treated as an unreliable narrator of your own needs, your own life, that you need to rein it in or someone needs to control you to set you right. and that most of this is not seen, is a bigger problem than this strange idea of sweetness, this strange idea of being protected by your transness. protected by your assigned birth. do not remind me of my assigned birth. i'm trans because i'm not that. the people who DO benefit from protection in life, their visibility is like, completely disproportionate versus the reality.

if it is as big an issue as they say, then i think about like... if children are the most vulnerable people then being seen as a permanent and incapable child— especially at the intersection of things like fatness and neurodivergence, for example, where you're seen as untrustworthy, clearly can't take care of yourself— as property, but also as a womb, as a body for taking, facing domestic, sexual, medical abuse and neglect, homelessness and forced hospitalisation... death. revulsion, abuse and murder aren't the results of supposed smol beanification. it feels so mythological to me. so yeah i wasn't aware this was the way other people characterised us til mid-2010s tumblr— in which i learned in past tense that there was some pervasive way of handling us. i admit there are times i certainly would've liked to have been protected. but this idea of meek non-threatening sweetness (and, perhaps, wielding that like a threat when convenient) fell completely flat to me and many of my friends, especially ones working-class and nonwhite, or mentally ill in socially unacceptable ways, or with bodies seen as too sexual or built too big... so, aggressive, ha ha.

so i don't show this in my art either, not currently. it's alien. it is a concept i'm aware of only thru a game of telephone.

i show trans men being misgendered and deadnamed and pushed and pulled, the dressage, touched and beaten and abandoned. i've been told that portraying the real things we go through is tantamount to me committing those very same hate crimes and i've been told my work just has a “bad vibe” on sight. yes i do show trans men being punished from all sides despite every effort to ping pong between everyone's preferences. the exhaustion of trying over and over only to fail to please and suffer the consequences of abstaining, or giving themselves over to the performance forever until they burn out. art is play the way leather is play. and in my work trans men can be found both suffering from and playing with roles and expectations, the violence, reenacting these sources of trauma among each other.

[morgana-ren]

I have sent you a truly embarrassing number of anon asks over the last two months and you have been so creative and kind in every one of your answers. I found your blog and it really means a lot to know that there are other people out there with a similarly f'd up relationship to sex. Makes me feel a bit less like a broken freak. You don't need to respond to this if you don't want to, I just wanted to let you know.

Honestly, I love it. That's the trouble with OCs is there isn't a fandom or like.. somewhere you can turn to when you want to indulge. The entire thing rests on people who know them and are interested in them. If I want to read about Reaver, I can (sorta, anyway, because his fandom is dead and all the stories are mostly long gone) but it's not my Reaver. Ilya and Corvus just have nothing but what me and my friend write. Astarion is currently being dissected by the fandom and it's vastly different than what I'm looking for (even as I love doing that too.)

What I'm saying is I love the questions. It's a lot of fun to think about them and these specific scenarios and I got really lucky that I have people who take an interest. I genuinely want to get to all of the questions at some point, and I'm running through them with love. I genuinely have a lot of fun answering them and I love seeing questions about them. I think it's really cool and fun that people care and enjoy them like we do! It's fantastic to see because sometimes a new hyperfixation or character is a fuckin' lifesaver and I will never turn down making new content when my head isn't working to make it originally.

I've known I was 'busted' since I was really young, and in a way, it's the healthiest thing about me. I've had time to break it down. I recognize where these desires come from, why I feel them, and where they're initially stemming from, and I know it is absolutely not something you put up with irl. I know that me liking people like this isn't some grand statement on me as a whole, but a fantasy that stems out from my experiences. I accept it. I don't feel bad about it or really feel a need to explain it. People can think it's gross or unhealthy or whatever else have you if it makes them feel better, but I am sure of myself and know it doesn't make me a bad person. It just is. It's never something we have to justify. Most people who grill you or are cruel to you have legitimately no idea what they're talking about. I've been a darkfic author for long enough to see the ridiculous fandom wars that arise over dumb shit like this where people sling shit baselessly despite knowing nothing.

I'm not saying that to be mean. I'm saying it because I have seen what people have to say about the matter and like, from a psychological standpoint, they are completely incorrect. I went to school for this. It was my dream career for a long time. Most people just say shit but don't actually understand the processes behind it. They operate on gut instinct and that gut instinct is immediately "Disgust" if they cannot relate. But instead of having compassion and trying to be supportive or trying to understand or just leaving us alone, they lash out because they are physically incapable of putting themselves in our shoes and feel they have 'morality' on their side, and that allows them to act like amoral twats towards other human beings, ironically enough.

It has a way of making us feel broken or bad or just not like a good person. When you're beset on all sides and you know your interests are strange or that something isn't quite healthy, it's easy to fall into that pit. But nothing is ever so simple, especially with the human brain and growing and learning and becoming a person. It hasn't bothered me in a long time and honestly, it is so, so freeing. I'm totally fine with it. I don't feel guilt or shame. It just is. Other people can think it's odd, but I've always been odd. No big shocker there.

Sex is complicated! It can have a remarkable impact on the brain! Humans are fragile while also being incredibly resilient. Sometimes things scar us, and that's okay. Sometimes we develop strange desires. Sometimes we end up with warped ideas. It's normal and okay, and really, there isn't any 100 percent sure fire healthy way to deal with things. For some, it's fantasy. For others, complete abstinence. Some people choose to never unpack it at all. The important thing is knowing your boundaries and the ways you should be treated in real life. Never letting someone hurt you or step on you or disrespect you. Your body and your desires are your own entirely and what others have to say means nothing. They will treat you with respect or you have all rights to completely cut them out and off.

Knowing the difference between fantasy and reality is the biggest thing, and it's a line I see people blurring or incapable of seeing every day and that is legitimately scary. It's important to look at things and understand yourself. Know that it's okay. You're just you, and that's not wrong or broken or disgusting. People have a very hard time understanding other people's perspectives and they really like to make that everyone else's problem. Don't let it get you down.

There's tons of us out there. It isn't nearly as uncommon as they'd have you believe. Hell, it's not even as unhealthy as they'd have you think. It's okay to be okay with it. It's okay to embrace it as long as you are putting boundaries up in your every day life and are good to yourself. That is what is truly important.

Thank you so much and I appreciate every single message you send. I haven't gotten a single inbox I've disliked or didn't find fascinating and they're always a pleasure to answer. Always feel free to send me anything!

[hellsurvivr]

Chandni and Deeks

*      ―    ﴾  𝚂𝙷𝙸𝙿 𝙼𝙴𝙼𝙴  ﴿ // still accepting ( @mythosisms )

who is more likely to hurt the other?

neither. im sorry but these two are just incapable of hurting the other. like I don't even think we could make em do it if we tried.

who is emotionally stronger?

i'd say deeks. but that's only because he's learned how to process and shut them down. and how to turn them into a strength and not a weakness .

who is physically stronger?

erm ofc deeks with his muscles kinda wins out. not that chandni minds she uses his muscles.

who is more likely to break a bone? 

deeks. he's a bloody idiot, so ya know getting himself hurt and his bones broken kinda comes with the territory.

who knows best what to say to upset the other? 

tbh i don't think either do. because chandni isn't going to upset deeks, and well deeks doesn't have it in his heart to hurt chandni. he just physically can't bring himself to upset her. hence letting her talk his ear off, all the time.

who is most likely to apologise first after an argument? 

deeks. he's male, and can be an ass sure. but he also has a heart and he will apologise first after an argument. it's just the way he's wired.

who treats who’s wounds more often? 

chandni treats deeks. going back to my above statement, deeks is an idiot and gets himself hurt. so chandni has to do the patching up.

who is in constant need of comfort? 

i'd say both. i mean theyve both gone through some really testing shit, and need to be comforted in some way. of course seeks is a lot less open to it at first. and would rather comfort chandni than let her comfort him. at first

who gets more jealous? 

deeks. look he's not blind, he sees the way people look at her, and for that he will most definitely get jealous of people looking. and if he gets violent then well, that's on them for staring too long.

who’s most likely to walk out on the other? 

neither. sorry i can't see them doing it. it's not in their natures.

who will propose? 

deeks. he's old school okay. he will propose and it will be ina way he's managed to gather from little hints she's dropped and just yep he'd make it perfect.

who has the most difficult parents?

i'd go with chandni. but let's not forget chandni's 'father' who will end up getting shot by deeks, or torn apart. which ever he's in the mood for.

who initiates hand-holding when they’re out in public? 

both. both are comforted by the little touch.

who comes up for the other all the time? 

both. there is nothing that would stop either of them being there for each other. literally any time, any day. no questions asked.

who hogs the blankets? 

chandni. Deeks doesn't need them so he throws them off him. meaning they're chandni's.

who gets more sad? 

chandni. mostly because deeks doesn't show it. he does, just not that often. so this one is more chandni.

who is better at cheering the other up? 

deeks. he might not look it, but this man knows just the thing you need. a hug, a comforting meal, a movie. whatever he knows and will do it.

who’s the one that playfully slaps the other all the time after they make silly jokes?

chandni. sorry it ain't deeks' style.

who is more streetwise?

deeks. mostly because that's his world. he knows how to work it and how to survive within in.

who is more wise?

both. they're both wise in different ways. they have their strengths and weaknesses, which compliment each other.

who’s the shyest? 

deeks. not literally, but because he's not the biggest fan of people, or certain situations. he'll stand silently, which makes it seem like he's shy.

who boasts about the other more? 

both. they both boast about the other in different ways. nothing will stop them showing off their other halves. they love it.

who sits on who’s lap? 

chandni sits on deeks. she runs that shit like it's her throne.

[pancakesandpessimism]

Hey. Hey, remember Eda in season 1?

Remember how she clearly didn’t put much, if any, thought into agreeing to teach Luz magic? Remember how it took days of begging and eventual bribery before Eda showed Luz her first spell, or explained how magic works for witches? Remember how she clearly hadn’t considered the implications of mentoring someone without a bile sac, and didn’t seem to have a plan beyond showing Luz spells that she was physically incapable of replicating and hoping for the best? Remember how she openly laughed (in King’s own words mean-spiritedly) at Luz when she got excited about possibly being ‘the chosen one’? Remember how she didn’t seem to think twice about putting incredibly dangerous traps around an arena two teenagers would be fighting in despite the fact that either girl could have been severely hurt (or in King’s case KILLED) by them? Remember how she initially tried to discourage Luz from even trying to attend Hexside because of her own beliefs about the school system, even though Luz was clearly interested and obviously wanted more education than Eda was (and could) give her alone?

Remember the first time Eda recognized Luz doubting herself and her place on the Isles? Remember her understanding exactly what Luz needed in that moment, AKA a pep-talk, a gentle reality check about the concept of chosen ones, a promise, and a new perspective of the Isles that Eda knew Luz would find beautiful? Remember how she willingly spent a whole day filling out paperwork and undoing her teenage-self’s handiwork despite hating every second of it because she recognized that Hexside was better equipped to help Luz’s growth as a witch then she was on her own? Remember her in Adventures in the Elements, trying so freaking hard to help Luz take the next step in a journey that she didn’t understand much better than Luz did, but had worked hard to try figuring out for Luz’s sake? Remember how she started spending her free time researching older forms of magic in the hopes of MAYBE finding information that could help her teach Luz? Remember her patience despite Luz’s obvious skepticism and eventual disobedience on the Knee? Her immediate praise for Luz managing to discover her second glyph all on her own even though she’d almost gotten Eda eaten by a monster ~10 minutes prior? Remember how she spent Grom stressing because she understood what Luz’s capabilites were at the time and was concerned she was expecting too much from herself and would get hurt physically, mentally, or emotionally during the fight, despite originally planning to do nothing but relax and have fun? Remember how she was 100% ready to face a monster that displays your worst fears to everyone watching, despite having very good personal reasons to be concerned about doing so, without so much as an ‘I told you so’ because what Luz needed at that moment wasn’t a lecture, it was someone supporting her when she was faced with something she wasn’t properly prepared to handle, and letting her know it was okay that she couldn’t do it yet because Eda would be there to help until she was ready?

Remember how she started this series as an irresponsible, negligent teacher? Remember watching her learn and grow as a mentor over the course of the show, gradually taking more kids under her wing (hah) as she went until she became someone that every member of the Hexsquad who’s spent more than 30 minutes with her trusts implicitly and looks to for guidance and support during times of crisis, and who several kids who aren’t part of the main squad (ex. Edric and Emira) respect in a similar way?

Remember this expression from I Was a Teenage Abomination? Her genuine surprise and shock, almost disbelief, at being considered a good teacher? 

Look at her now.