#school stinks kids rule

[secretagentsagainstwhatever]

the real og childhood crush

[timmydraker]

Tim vapes.

To his friends, namely the ones at school and not so much in Young Justice, this ain’t anything surprising. It’s popular for his age group and given how he has various roles in life that cause anxiety and his poorly concealed PTSD from being Red Robin, it makes sense he’d turn to something for comfort.

That comfort just happens to be an addiction to the ‘cancer usb’s his brother Dick once went on a two hour rant about.

Jason once got grounded and forced to watch a PowerPoint video made by Dick and Bruce after he was caught with a cigarette while still Robin. Jason still kept up the bad habits, but he normally turned to a drink or smoke when things were really bad. It was both recreational and a treat that he only had a few times a year, or month in the case of alcohol.

Tim doesn’t take breaks unless he’s on patrol.

It started when he was thirteen and was so tired from starting work with Wayne Enterprise and Robin that he didn’t give his usual response to his friends offer of a hit.

The passion fruit guava flavour settled easily in his chest, most likely due to how he had a lot of self control with his body. He coughed a storm afterwards but quickly found himself coming back for a hit or two during school breaks.

It only took a month for him to buy his first one after some research. He bought the least damaging one for his body even if he knew that lessening such damage didn’t fully remove it.

He started with grape.

Then once that died, he bought sour apple.

Then fairyfloss.

Then strawberry mango.

Then birthday cake, which he genuinely didn’t think could be real but alas.

It took almost four years for anyone in his family to notice and by pure luck it was his actual father who would end up dying a few months later. Tim remembers how guilty he felt when he realised his father would no longer be yelling at him for his ‘fruity fucking stink’ and that such a thing gave him genuine relief. He shouldn’t want his dad to be dead, yet…

It was then Tim realised that maybe he should try slow down his usage, and challenged himself to go a whole hour before a hit, then two and then finally three before he decided that would be enough for a while.

It’s on a particularly bad patrol when he saw a kid get hurt and wasn’t in time to save her from some likely permanent damage that he forwent his rule of vaping in the suit and took several hits while against a wall in his Red Robin attire.

He was just stating to feel the calm fully settle in his bones as his last puff of sour rainbow exited his lunged when he heard a voice just a few feet away.

“How dare you disgrace the name of Robin with that filth!”

Tim jumps up immediately but no training would prepare him for how quickly Damian comes over and snatches the vape from his hand.

Damian is gone quicker than he can get himself together and he only just managed to shout and run after him with his growing panic.

Tim watches his youngest brother vanish from sight and knows he’s doomed.

When he gets back to the cave a few hours later after trying to hide away from his problems, he’s finished his second vape (star fruit grape) from pure stress.

He’s met with the entire family sans Jason giving him the most disappointed and concerned look he’s seen since he confessed he lost his spleen and didn’t tell anyone.

Damian won’t meet his eye but even then Tim can tell from years of studying his younger that even Damian feels a little guilty for outing him, but as Dick looks close to tears with how upset he is the others resolve clearly strengthens.

Tim doesn’t blame him, even if he’s mentally going over all the symptoms of nicotine withdrawal.

[pixeldolly]

The Survivors, part 3

☢️Zuleika Izadi (by @nappe-plays-the-sims)

She may seem creepy and death-obsessed, but Zuleika is secretly a romantic at heart who hasn't given up on finding her soulmate, despite the...less than ideal circumstances she finds herself in.

She enjoys gardening and botany and is an uncanny knack for making plants grow even in contaminated soil. According to her, she once got her hands on a Laganaphyllis Simnovorii seedling and had it growing in a pot on the rooftop of her condo. As you do.

☢️Toni Byrd (Sim & bio by @goatskickin )

Toni Byrd has two rules for life: don’t fall asleep in a bathtub, and no tequila shots after midnight.

She isn’t sweet, but she sure is funny. She also hasn’t bought new clothes or had a real job since 2014. She’s your town’s laziest bike courier/”artist”. Truly, her life hasn't changed that much since the apocalypse.

She’s a filthy Sagittarius (bi) who is into crust punks (Stink) who don’t work (Unemployed). 

She’s also a moderator on a cryptid forum (unattracted to werewolves) - not that you asked, but she’ll tell you all about it.

☢️Marcella Sutter (Sim and original bio by @lilith-sims )

Marcella never felt ugly a day in her life although a lot of girls called her names and harassed all the way through high-school she was always able to make them swallow their own poison.

She’s a lot of fun and likes to flirt with everyone. She gets along with all kinds of people and loves travelling more than anything.

She's been drifting since the zombies attacked, but after one too many close calls, she decided to put down roots in a proper community.

☢️Miloni Bianchi (Sim & concept by @goatskickin )

Miloni has always been tinkering with something, although she was never formally trained as a mechanic - she just picked up a toolbox one day and started learning by doing. She got pretty good at it, too, although there have been one or two...accidents. Occupational hazard, as they say.

For some reason, kids love her (the cool robot arm helps!) although Miloni stubbornly claims the feeling isn't mutual. Her prickly personality has not endeared her to other survivors, but after losing an eye to a gang of raiders, she's ready to admit that safety is found in numbers. Safety, and maybe some food, too - because she is a terrible cook.

[ghoastixx]

Horror characters w/ a child in the school musical

Notes: In honor of my school's drama club being shut down and me having to go to my neighboring school. (You can tell I have favorites ;))

Includes: Otis Driftwood, Baby Firefly, Mama Firefly, Choptop Sawyer, Billy and Stu, Carrie White, Hannibal Lecter (and Will Graham), Beetlejuice, Micheal Myers (A bit RZ), The Lost Boys,

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Otis Driftwood

The fact that you even have to go to school is a problem to him. With his whole "I hate rules" get up, did you really think he'd want you going to some crummy government public school? He literally hates everything about it..

But... it would be suspicious if you didn't go to school, considering some people in the neighboring town knew there was a kid in the house..

When you bring up wanting to be in your school's musical?

He's all for it, wether you're a little kid or a teenager, surprisingly.

I think he'd be into the idea since he himself is very artsy, he sees it as his kiddo trying to express themselves, and he's all for it.

Especially if you are also in charge of the set (My school's was five people so I always did set), he's so excited to see what you come up with, even if it boringly lacks and pain and suffering.

He won't clean up to come watch it, he will genuinely show up with his matty white hair under his oddly stained cowboy hat, his 'burn this flag' tank top, dirty boots.. he gets odd looks, no one sits next to him or the family, murmuring that they stink.

he's so proud.

"______, do you know who that guy in the front row who keeps grimacing is in the cowboy hat? He's scaring off our audience,"

"That's my dad :)"

Baby Firefly

Oh, she is EXCITED

As a performer herself, coughcoughthefloorshowcoughcough,

If this is a highschool show, she gets into alllll the drama. All the petty fights, tantrums, affairs going on, all the juicy shit that happens during musical season. Perfect person to bitch with about it.

She will come to every single one of the shows, she tells people to come constantly.

She'd have you practice in front of victims as an "audience,"

She is so thrilled, this is the funnest thing ever to her.

Gushes over the costumes

If you don't get a lead you really wanted, she is just as petty as you are about it.

Opening night, she'll give you a boquet of flowers she totally didn't steal before hand.

The best drama mama!

"She's such a bitch, who's she think she is, huh? You deserved that role much more than them, god what a whore."

"Tell me about it,"

Mama Firefly

Aw, she thinks its so dear.

It's been a long time since she had a little one in the home, she's excited to do things that actually make her feel like a mom again.

Supports you in any way you need, practice running late? She's packed you a sandwich and an extra water. Need help going over a scene? Well, she'll try her damn best!

I feel she'd be the type of mom to help make her kids costume if it fell on the kids shoulder

She is so excited to see it when it comes time, she drags R.J, Otis, and Baby (sorry Tiny) out of the home to go see it

She dresses up all nice and fights her way to the front row

She cheers loudly for you.

"Do we have to be here?" Otis grumbled, "Yes, this is your little sibling, now hush it's startin'"

Chop-Top Sawyer

Oh god it's a mess,

it's not that he's not excited, he's very excited his spitfire is into music just like him

but that's the problem, he's too excited.

It's not like he can just... come and watch-

He's not exactly normal, y'know.

Now this could go two different ways,

1. He doesn't go watch, but makes Drayton go and record it so he can watch it himself (if he cares enough by then)

2. He goes and causes a scene and you both just blame it on his Vietnam PTSD which gets you both a lot of sympathy points.

If he does get to go, he freaks a lot of people out. He wears his wig, assuming they replaced his Sonny Bono wig, but is constantly digging at his plate with his tongue just..sticking out. Plus he talks funny and stinks and- god people are trying to figure out who this loud creeper is and why he's here..

Then they see him at the end of the show...standing with you. Gossip spreads quickly..

Some who refuse to believe it, mistake Drayton as your father at the end of the show.

"Hello, I'm assuming your ______'s father? I wanted to tell you just how talented-" "Oh! Hey Mister Johnson, I see you've met my uncle Drayton," "Uncle?" "Yeah, this is my dad," "Oh...Uhm..." "Hi *heavy breathing*" "Forgive him, he's still adjusting from 'Nam."

Billy and Stu

They are both so incredibly normal about your interests

So I'm like conflicted cause one part of me wants to believe that they don't really care all that much but the other part of me that recognizes them as huge nerds is wielding a sword.

Shut up, Stu had a musical phase in middle school, FIGHT ME.

Stu is definitely more excited than Billy is

and it's not that Billy's not excited, Stu just shows it more than Billy.

100% flexible with your schedule, they take turns dropping you off and picking you up if you can't drive.

Stu uses it as an excuse to get out of stuff.

"Sorry, can't, gotta take chick-pea to practice tonight, yeah sooo sorry."

Billy is the type to get volunteered by you if big pieces of the set need done and no one else will do it.

He'll grumble, but it will be done.

Stu donates a lot of money towards the program, half in attempts to get the director to favorite you and give you parts you want.

Stu and Billy come to every show, all of them, without fail.

This is important to you, and you're important to them, so this is important to them.

Stu is so hype on opening night, giving you a pep-talk all day before you go to get ready.

They are so proud of you when the show is over, and will both help you out of that after show slumps.

"C'mon baby, what was the name of the lead your the understudy for?" "Kelly?" "No, Chick-pea, the name of the actor..." "Guys- no."

Carrie White

stop she's so proud of you,

even if you don't end up with a big part, she's so proud that you have the confidence to do something she would have never dared to of done when she was young.

She might even be involved? I could see her making costumes- I mean, she made her prom dress and that shit was stunning.

I think she'd be more partial to you doing activities such as music or band or some form of art over sports.

The arts are just a lot less dangerous than sports, she just wants you to be safe. But she also wants you to be happy.

She will come to every single show,

She'd be the mom to help you go over lines if you needed to as well, or offer to try and help practice a dance you needed to learn.

She definitely cries watching you up on stage,

will get you the prettiest flowers and tell all your co-stars that they did such a good job.

"Mama, can you help me with this scene? I just need you to read for Yente," "Of course honey, where do you want me to start?:)"

Hannibal Lecter and Will Graham,

First off, you go to a private school. No kin of Lecter's is going to be caught dead in a public school.

He is rather thrilled when you mention performing for the school, he does love the arts after all.

Whatever you want and or need, singing lessons, dancing lessons, acting classes, whatever you want.

He will dress up for the occasion, he brings Will as well who is way under dressed, but it's always nice to see him.

I don't think Hannibal would come to every show, sometimes his appointments run late, he has a lot to do, but he will come if you have a parents night and he will come see the opening show.

If anything, Will might try and make all of them if you two are close, he knows what it's like not to have a parent show up to something so important.

Hannibal would make food for a cast party if you had one after.

No there are no people in it.

Hannibal has DVD's of all of the shows you have ever done and whips them out ALL THE TIME... The first time Will even heard of you-

"Hannibal, what are all these DVD's? Why are they labeled '_____'?" "Hm? Oh. _______ is my child, those are their performance videos." "you have a kid-" "They do musical theater, sit down, we shall watch the films." "you have...a kid-"

Beetlejuice

He's actually so upset that he can't come watch your show physically.

It's okay- there's a recorded version for him. He'll feel less bad.

He LOVES performing so this is actually perfect, but of course it is! You're his little ghoul.

He actually already knows the whole show so he is very good at helping you practice.

"Aw- toots- you're almost as good as me. Almost."

Micheal Myers (Slight RZ)

Like most things, he's indifferent.

Good luck getting him to come see even one of your shows.

He shows interest in your little hobby when you talk about it, sit next to him and talk about the show as he makes his masks. He listens.

Now.. If he does come see a show? He will only see one, most likely the last one as they are less packed (less likely anyone will recognize him,)

He'll wear a medical mask, his hair mostly covering the rest of his face, he sits in the very back.

He's slightly warmed at just how much the act meant to you.

Your director will approach you after seeing you hug the very tall man with the long hair and covered face, as he just pat you haphazardly on the head before leaving.

"______, someone you know?" "uh huh, that's my dad." "Your dad.. huh.. he seems very quiet." "Yeah, he don't say very much. I didn't think he was gonna come." "Well, I'm glad he did." "yeah, me too."

The Lost Boys

obviously, if you're going to school, you're a human still.

The only way they could come see your show would be if it was late in the evening, and they would probably show up late.

They're very happy for you and want to support you! It's just difficult with them being vampires.

Paul and Marko definitely get a kick out of acting out scenes from your script with you.

Dwayne is interested in the storyline, he also enjoys watching you act. You're in your element, it's like you're a different person.

David, on the other hand, is just amused that you're into all this stuff. It's not that he thinks its dumb or anything, he thinks you do a great job, it's just not really his scene, y'know.

But, you're their baby bat, they'd literally do anything for you, so as you're up on stage during the third song and see a blur of leather jackets and mullets sitting in the back, you can't help but smile.

"God- why are the guys from the board walk here." "They're my family :)" 'HUH-"

[violetdaphne]

percabeth tv show-verse headcanons because middle school me is frothing at the mouth at her fav book series being adapted

when it comes time for offerings, percy does not move. he doesn't move a goddamn muscle, staying put at the poseidon table because, sure, his dad helped him during the quest but that doesn't mean he can forget so easily the shadow that came over luke's face when the older demigod explained how the gods expect their children to burn their own food just for a sliver of attention so percy chooses to just. not move. he sits and eats and ignores the curious glances he gets from other campers when its their turn. so no, he doesn't offer anything to his dad or any other god, even when Mr. D gives him the stink eye but what he does do is spot the glaring mission portion on annabeth's plate from her scraping off her own offering (she sits with him now, at the poseidon table breaking many rules about sitting with your own cabin because she can't stand seeing percy all alone, and, well, he's actually kind of fun to hang around for a seaweed brain), he sees the gaps on her plate and instead of offering anything to his dad he offers his own food to her, insisting when she protests and scoping a portion of his own meal onto her plate the moment he has an opening because he doesn't want her going hungry, not because of athena. it feels a little bit like blasphemy but also achingly devotional so he hides his grin behind a proud smirk and says no take-backies while she just raises her brows amusedly.

percy has developed a scary, uncanny habit that freaks out grover and other campers of being able to tell exactly where annabeth is even when she's wearing the invisibility cap. whether it be during capture the flag, sword training, climbing the lava wall, or just meandering about camp to avoid clarisse, percy just has a sort of annabeth-sense and can point with near complete accuracy where she stands when completely invisible to the naked eye. it becomes a camp favorite spectacle to watch them during games and training, fighting back to back, or against each other, and just how swiftly they move, even when percy can't see his partner. he's not sure how or why he is able to know where she is, but secretly loves how he is the only one able to pick her out in a crowd. percy jokes he has his very own spidey-sense geared toward annabeth but she stares at him blankly, the reference going over her head and he just mentally adds it to the very long list of movies he needs to show her. (he does end up, eventually, showing her spiderman but ends up shutting it off quickly when the sight of the spider biting peter parker send her spiraling)

sometimes, when her cabin is just too loud and her bunkmates are too rambunctious and the noise pulses in her ears and she just wants some peace and fucking quiet for once annabeth will slip her cap on and sneak away from her siblings and most often ends up outside the poseidon cabin, asking percy shyly if he minds if she hides out here for a bit because everywhere else is too loud and too much. she doesn't even get to finish her sentence before percy ushers her in and says she's welcome in his cabin anytime. it suprises her, an athena kid, how much she ends up liking the tranquility and ocean-air scent of the poseidon cabin. there's only a few bunks compared to the many that line the walls of her own cabin, so percy lets her chose one (she chooses the one closest to his own and decidedly doesn't think about what it means) and she finally gets some quiet time for her to read or work on blueprints or whatever else she wants to do. sometimes percy is there, sitting idly with his own craft or book to keep him occupied, and annabeth finds she quite likes these times where she and him can just sit together in a contented peace. it becomes common knowledge at camp that when one can't find annabeth the best place to look is the poseidon cabin, and when that doesn't work just find percy because the two are quickly becoming attached at the hip, much to grover's delighted annoyance.

speaking of grover, he gets first row seats to the developing friendship between the two and he knows, knows that this is it. this right in front of him, the bickering and arguing that can flip to deep understanding and compassion at the flick of a hat is fucking endgame, or the closest to it at just 12 years old. he watches how they work together during capture the flag, so scarily in tune that they are able to more than once outsmart clarisse and the other team. he watches percy practice controlling his powers and water abilities at the shoreline of camp, annabeth just feet away and watching in a poorly hidden awe as he moves the tide and waves with a flick of his wrist. he watches them sneak around after curfew because annabeth wanted to show percy the constellations and the best time to see them is in the dead of night so they brave the harpies and Mr. D's wrath to lay out on the pier of camp to see the stars. he watches them on the quest when annabeth insists he is alive after the arch, watches them hug like he isn't standing right there and the relief is palpable, and he just. knows. its so obvious and he loves to claim, years later, that he knew first.

the ocean and water and all its inhabitants are all extensions of percy, right? they're all in poseidon's, and therefore percy's domain so its only natural for them follow in his lead when he's around. therefore, its only natural for the water and it's grace to treat annabeth with the same respect it treats their demigod. percy makes sure of it, if inadvertently, chiding the tide to be careful and warning the waves to not chill her. and the kicker? he doesn't even realize he's doing it until annabeth mentions offhand that the water during her canoe lesson at camp was particularly and oddly calm when everyone else's was rough and choppy. he blushes so bad she offers to take him to the infirmary, which evidently only makes him flush harder.

poseidon realizes it too, of course, the ocean is primarily his domain and he knows well what's going on in every inch of it, so he senses immediately how percy is growing into his powers, exercising his control over the sea and growing more powerful day by day, and how it all seems to center around a certain athena kid. he rubs it in athena's face, the growing friendship between their kids, but find himself getting really quiet when she sends her owl after his eyes.

luke calls them an old married couple and they hate how right he is, and how they keep accidently proving him right. they argue over the littlest of things; the best type of jam to put on toast at breakfast, the pronunciation of greek words and monsters, the best way for percy to take care of his curls, anything and everything they will find something to bicker over until grover or whoever is with them just stares until the argument peters out and they move on to the next subject without missing a beat, leaving whoever their unfortunate third wheel is feeling very adrift.

[mightyflamethrower]

All your life you played by the rules. You paid attention during school and went on to get a degree. You held on to the same stinking job for twenty years preferring dignity over a lifelong reliance on the forced generosity of others. Your wife worked. Your kids worked. You paid thousands of dollars in taxes on your property and income.

So how does the government treat you now when you really need it? They take the people who partied while you worked hard and took care of your family and they put those folks at the head of the line for emergency aid.

The democrat party hates normal working class Americans. They hate NORMAL people while they adore freakish men who wave dildos and prance around in women's underwear. It's time to push back.

Make this stop. Vote for TRUMP in the next election.

[tobiasdrake]

Digimon Adventure 02x03 - Digimental Up! / A New Digitude

Previously on Digimon Adventure: Miyako got to visit the Digital World and didn't like it very much. Sadly, she's in too deep so I guess this is her life now.

We open in near silence on what can only be the true face of evil. Our first glimpse at the boy beneath the smug Digimon Kaiser. The malevolent Ken-chan.

He's working at his computer; The faint sound of his typing against a dead silence.

The dub gives him dialogue.

Ken: Let's see... Just a few simple modifications... Perfect. Huhuhuhu....

The following day, the school bell rings and the children of the local elementary school head home for the day. Except a handful of children who make their way to Computer Club.

Hiding in the clubroom, the Digimon lie in wait for their human partners to return. When the door opens, they very sneakily check to see who it is.

Chibimon: Daisuke? Daisuke: You there? Chibimon: DAISUKEEEEEEE!!!

...by calling out to whoever's behind that door and hoping for the best.

Daisuke, Hikari, and Takeru enter the room. The Digimon emerge from their hiding places, with Chibimon hopping up to hug Daisuke.

Daisuke: Aww! Are all of you doing well? Poromon: Where's Miyako-san? Upamon: Is Iori coming? Hikari: Don't worry. They're both coming. Daisuke: Ah, here they come!

It's not the both of them, but Miyako comes running up the stairs and down the hall with a grocery bag in her hands.

Miyako: Sorry I'm late! I brought presents!

Entering the clubroom, she opens the bag to show everyone the various snacks and drinks she has.

Takeru: Oh, that's right. Your family runs a convenience store, don't they? Daisuke: It must be great to have a convenience store at home. You can have all the sweets you could ever want! Miyako (sets down bag in front of Digimon) Here. (responds to Daisuke) Not really. I have to help out sometimes. It's a lot of hard work. Daisuke: Aww...

Not only does Miyako have a year on Daisuke but also mileage. She's had to balance responsibilities to her family against her schoolwork and club activities. She's not Jou in personality or Crest virtues, but she is the upperclassman of our group.

In the dub, the Digimon chat a bit before the kids arrive.

Patamon: The classroom is empty! I think it's safe to come out now. Gatomon: Hold on, I'm still taking the spelling test! Patamon: Shh... I hear someone coming! (Door opens) DemiVeemon: (sniff sniff) Smells like Davis. Davis: Are you saying I stink!? DemiVeemon: IT IS DAVIIIIIIIIIS!!! (DemiVeemon hugs Davis) Davis: Haha! DemiVeemon! Did you guys have a good day at school?

...why are they doing a spelling test in the computer clubroom? Even if this does get used as a regular classroom, it's a weird place to hold language arts.

Upamon and Poromon retain their names in the dub, but Chibimon is changed to DemiVeemon. This is a weirdly arbitrary choice. Kids might not know what "chibi" means, but it's not like they'll recognize "upa" or "poro" either.

For the record, "chibi" means a small cutie-patootie and is well recognized outside of Japan these days, but not so much in the 90's.

Upamon is named for the axolotl, which Japan calls a wooper looper or ウーパールーパー Uupaa ruupaa. This is also where the Pokemon Wooper gets its name from.

Poromon is named for the fictional character Pororo, from an old manga where birds rule the world.

Between the three, Chibimon seems like the reference kids are more likely to get. But okay.

Poromon: Where's Yolei? Upamon: Yeah, and Cody too! Kari: Don't worry about it. They're both on their way over. Davis: Ah, here's someone now! (Yolei comes running) Yolei: Sorry I'm late! I brought goodies from my family's convenience store! (Yolei enters and reveals the bag) T.K.: Good idea! In-Training Digimon are bottomless pits. Davis: If my family owned a convenience store, I'd eat candy all day long until my teeth fell out. (Yolei sets the bag down) Yolei: It's not that glamorous. I have to pay for anything I eat even when I work there. But the job comes with a great pension plan! Davis: Huh!?

The dub opts to have Yolei explain her family's convenience store rather than T.K. This honestly makes sense. T.K.'s known her for like two days. It's not impossible that they've discussed her family's convenience store offscreen, but it fits better coming from Yolei directly.

They then use T.K.'s freed up dialogue line to have him exposit veteran wisdom about In-Training dietary habits. I think this is a good shift.

Yolei's line, on the other hand, is a pivot. Instead of complaining about how tough working at the store is, she complains that she doesn't get freebies. Guess the capitalist Americans didn't like the idea that Yolei's parents aren't charging her for goods and services.

While the kids chat, the Digimon dig into Miyako's bag.

Chibimon: What is this? Poromon: Can we even eat it? Patamon: We can eat it, and it's really good!

Patamon takes one of the squeezable packets from Miyako's store and demonstrates to the other Digimon. These kinds of packets are common in convenience stores, containing yogurt, drinks, ice cream, or other squeezable drinkable tasty treats.

Patamon picks up a packet and squeezes it into his mouth, rolling over onto his back to enjoy his treat. The sight of it gets Upamon excited.

Upamon: LET ME TRY DAGYAA!!!

While Chibimon digs into a chocolate candy bar, Upamon throws himself into the bag and digs out a packet of his own to drink. Once he's finished, he exclaims:

Upamon: Ahhh! Yummy! It's so delicious! Tasty tasty tasty tasty tasty..... Chibimon: Tasty! Upamon: ...tasty tasty tasty tasty....

Seeing the positive reception it's getting, Poromon decides to give one of these packets a try. He loves it so much, he takes flight and zooms around the room squawking in delight for seven seconds before colliding into Chibimon and Upamon.

The trio proceed to dance with joy, singing the word "Tasty" over and over, while a stern Token Adult Tailmon looks on disapprovingly.

Tailmon: (flatly) I fear for our future.

Incidentally, the packets that the Digimon are drinking are labeled Chu x2. They're a type of fruit-flavored jelly drink. I cannot say with certainty but I think ChuChu jelly is a real product that was sold in convenience stores at the time, as it's referenced not only here but also in the Legend of Zelda series.

In the dub:

DemiVeemon: What is it? Poromon: Can we eat it? I'm hungry. Patamon: Of course you can eat it. Watch me. (Patamon demonstrates) Upamon: The buffet is now open! (Upamon grabs a packet and chugs it) Upamon: It's delicious! This is the best thing I've ever eaten in my whole life! All two days of it! DemiVeemon: Me too! Upamon: Aha aha aha aha aha! (Poromon tries one and goes flying around the room) Poromon: Ahhh! Hot! It's hot! Fire! Ah-ah-ah-ow! (Poromon crashes into the others and they all start cheering and laughing) Gatomon: (flatly) I hope my first litter doesn't act like this.

Poromon's reaction is explained in the dub as the Chu x2 jelly being too spicy. That... sounds wrong but I can't say with certainty.

Upamon inexplicably claims that he's only existed for two days despite having been asleep in stasis last episode, not newly hatched. This isn't a different versions thing; They were in stasis last episode in the English version too. This line is just wrong.

This is probably due to a misunderstanding of the verb 生まれるumareru, which gets used a couple of times this episode to refer to new Digimon coming out of the Digimental. 生まれる Umareru primarily means to be born, but it can also be used to say that something emerged or was released from something.

New Digimon are being 生まれる umareru from the Digimental, which a lot of people would translate as being born. So when the dub team got their translated JPN script from the translators, they probably saw that and wrote the ENG script with that in mind.

(That the Digimentals resemble eggs and the dub even calls them Digi-Eggs probably isn't helping, either.)

While the Digimon enjoy their snacks, the humans get to business.

Daisuke: By the way, is the Gate open? Miyako: Oh, hang on.

Miyako checks the Gate on the computer. It looks closed; There's a blank red screen inside the Gate rather than an area of the Digital World. But it does give off a pleasant access chime rather than the rejection buzzing we've heard in previous episodes.

Miyako: It's open! Daisuke: Yes! Let's go! Hikari: Wait a second! Iori-kun isn't here yet. Daisuke: Iori? What is he even doing?

Cut to Iori in an empty classroom. He has a single cherry tomato on his lunch tray, along with a carton of milk and an empty bowl. He idly rolls the tomato around with a plastic spork.

Hikari: I checked in on him a moment ago. He's determined (ganbatte) not to leave until he finishes his school lunch.

Iori is so stuffed that he can no longer convince his brain to do the motion of consuming food, but has made it a point of personal integrity that he will eat that tomato. An epic battle is unfolding between a third-grader's willpower and sense of civic responsibility, and his involuntary biological rejection of any further sustenance.

His teacher, who probably also can't leave until Iori does, tries to intervene on reason's behalf.

Teacher: You don't have to eat all of it. Iori: No, you should never leave any food behind. That is what my late father taught me. Teacher: (resigned) Oh, sure.

I mean. You can't argue with a child's dead loved ones. What are you even supposed to say at that point.

Iori splits the tomato in half with his fork. He lifts one half of the tomato to his lips and steels himself, struggling to take the next step. Cutting back to the clubroom, Daisuke summarizes.

Daisuke: What is his deal!? I'm getting antsy!

Though he isn't the team's senpai like Jou was, already we're seeing the way the virtue of Sincerity/Reliability manifests in Iori. The strong moral fiber and desire to behave as a faithful and upstanding member of society are all rolled up in this deadly duel with the sinister tomato.

In the dub:

Davis: Let's check and see if the Gate's open. Yolei: It's open! (Yolei runs to the computer and checks the Gate) Yolei: PERFECTO!!! Davis: Great! Let's go to the Digital World! Kari: Wait a minute, guys. We can't leave yet. Cody's not here. Davis: Cody!? What's taking him so long? Yolei: He's still in the lunchroom. Last time I checked, he was still chewing the same carrot fifty times.

Yolei somehow knows the Gate is open before she's even checked.

They opt to have Yolei be the one who recently checked in on Cody rather than Hikari. I guess because Yolei and Cody have a tight-knit pre-existing relationship like T.K. and Kari do?

Given that Yolei had to run home from school, fill up a grocery bag full of stuff, pay for it (dub-exclusive), and then race back, I'm not sure when she had the time to do that. Hikari having that line makes more sense and segues straight out of her previous line urging patience.

For reasons of culture shock, they also try to sell the classroom Cody's eating in as a "lunchroom". Japanese elementary schools don't have a lunchroom. Meals are taken right there in the classroom. It's only some high schools that have dedicated cafeterias for eating.

Cody: I'm so stuffed! I only have one more tomato to eat.... Teacher: You don't have to eat every bite, Cody. Cody: You should never throw away any food unless it smells bad. My father used to say that before he passed away. Teacher: Oh... I see... (Cody cuts the tomato in half and lifts it to his face) Cody: (sniff sniff sniff sniff) (Cut to clubroom) Davis: Does he know we're waiting? He's holding us up!

The dub adds the "Unless it smells bad" qualifier so they can recontextualize Iori's reluctance to take the bite. The shot of his face quivering is given sniffing sounds to imply he's trying to use that clause in the hopes of not having to eat the tomato.

It's different, but still conveys the deep personal conflict between what his moral fiber tells him he has to do versus what his body is willing to do.

Well, while we're waiting for Iori, Miyako has an idea.

Miyako: Let's watch some TV while we wait. Hikari: Sure. What's on?

Tabbing out of the Gate, the children gather around the computer to watch the news. Exciting, I guess.

Reporter: A computer programming contest was held a few days ago. Today, I would like to introduce its winner: Boy genius Ichijouji Ken-kun.

They shoot Ken from behind so he can dramatically spin around in his computer chair and address the camera.

Ken: Never in my wildest dreams could I imagine a kid like me winning the whole contest. It was incredible. Reporter: We go now to one of our judges, Professor Shotsuki of Jonan University.

Iori enters the clubroom, but nobody notices because they're all invested in the report.

Shotsuki: No, it was a total shock. When I saw that program, I couldn't believe that it had been made by an elementary school student! I have no doubt that he's a true genius.

It's high praise, but given the accomplishment it's entirely warranted. Behind the kids, Iori silently finds Upamon and picks him up, excited.

In the dub:

Yolei: Let's watch some TV to pass the time. Kari: Yeah! Let's see what's on. Reporter: We interrupt this broadcast to bring you this latest story! Davis: (groan) Aww.... Reporter: The results of a national computer programming contest were just announced! And the winner is boy genius Ken Ichijouji! Ken: There were many well-deserving geniuses out there and I am humbled to think that the judges chose me to receive the top prize! Reporter: Now, let's go live to the scene of the contest with our field reporter, Jerry Rivera! Jerry? Jerry: Thank you, Debbie. Young Ken wowed the judges by creating a computer program that can actually brush your teeth for you! The rumor is next year he's planning something with floss! I can't wait. Back to you!

...did he also create a physical mechanism to run it? This feels more like a feat of engineering than one of programming. Though I guess you'd still need a complex algorithm but, like... I dunno, this feels outside the scope of a programming contest.

The dub changes Professor Shotsuki to fellow reporter Jerry Rivera. An oddball choice. He still delivers the important bit, that Ken is an incredible genius with a talent for programming, but isn't able to offer it as a firsthand professional opinion the way Shotsuki can.

This segment is presented as Breaking News interrupting whatever the kids wanted to watch. This makes sense because, at least in the U.S. where this is being localized to, few children would seek out the news to watch it on purpose.

Though whoever it is at that news station who thinks the results of a programming contest warrants BREAKING NEWS should probably be fired. Only a niche audience cares, news station! We're trying to watch Jackie Chan Adventures! Jackie just told Jade she has to stay behind and I have a sneaking suspicion how that's going to go!

The news report goes on to talk about what a superstar Ken is.

Reporter: At a recent chess tournament, he played against 20 adults. And not only is he talented in programming and academia, but also in sports! He's active in Judo and soccer.

Flipping between footage of Ken, it shows him first at the chess game, going around a ring of tables. We're probably meant to assume he won those twenty games but the reporter doesn't say, which makes it a little less impressive. I can play 20 games of chess at once, sure.

He's then shown filling out the answers for giant math equations, though those equations are all just basic addition with large number sets.

The Judo footage sees him perform a shoulder throw.

Then the soccer footage shows him making a shot. Daisuke assures us that it was a very impressive shot.

Daisuke: Whoa, what an amazing shot!

Thank you, Daisuke.

Reporter: Now, let's hear from the parents who raised this boy genius. Was there anything you paid special attention to that may have nurtured his brilliance? Ken's Mom: No, we didn't really do anything special. Ken's Dad: How do I put it? It's like a kite gave birth to a hawk.

I'm sorry but so far as I know, Ken's parents have never been named. We're not getting names for Daisuke's or Miyako's parents either.

"A kite giving birth to a hawk" is an old Japanese idiom. It refers to exceptional circumstances somehow arising from incredibly mundane origins.

The subs mix metaphors here with "ugly duck laying the golden egg". Those are separate fables, sub writers.

In the dub:

Debbie: Ken's talents include being able to play one game of chess while everyone watches! Just last week he actually balanced the world's biggest checkbook! And that's not all! He's a champion in Judo and a star on the All-State Soccer Team. And girls? He's single! Davis: Wow! He's almost as good as I am! Debbie: Now, let's talk to the proud parents who raised this genius: Mr. and Mrs. Ichijouji! What are some of the advantages of being the mother of one of the most brilliant children in the world? Mrs. Ichijouji: Oh, it's great in the kitchen! He invented dishes that clean themselves! Mr. Ichijouji: Like father, like son! I once guessed how many jelly beans were in a pickle jar.

This is one of those times when the dub script feels like someone meant to write an Abridged Parody. "He's able to play one game of chess while everyone watches" is a silly riff on the "twenty games at once" thing but it has to have been a weird line to people who didn't know they were watching a spoof.

There's a meta-gag here where they're making fun of the original for how the reporter shills Ken for two straight minutes. "And girls, he's single!" certainly made me laugh because, yeah, this does read like a puff piece. But in the context of a Breaking News emergency report, it's super weird.

That gags in the parent interview, meanwhile, miss the mark by a wide margin. There's key foreshadowing here: That there is no reasonable explanation for why Ken is the most talented infinity-times omega genius ever to be born in Japan. His parents are utterly clueless about how he could have turned out this way.

The dub's too busy cracking jokes at the Japanese script to get that across.

They also turned Davis's line into a brag.

Watching the report, the kids discuss.

Iori: It's hard to believe there really are people like Ichijouji Ken-san. Hikari: Huh? When did you get here? Iori: Ah, just now. Takeru: But that was amazing. He really is a genius.

Takeru definitely saw Iori come in but kept it to himself.

Miyako turns off the computer and folds her arms bitterly.

Miyako: I can write some programs too! Daisuke: But he's good at sports too. Miyako: Feh! Tailmon: Hikari.... Hikari: Oh? Patamon: What's happening in the Digital World? Takeru: Oh, that's right! We have a full team now that Iori-kun is here.

The children tab back over to the Gate.

Miyako: The Gate to the Digital World is open! Daisuke: Yes! Let's get going!

We needed to take a quick distraction to gush about how cool some rando named Ken is. (Where have I heard that name before?) But now we're finally ready to go!

In the dub:

Cody: I heard this kid is so smart that one time, he gave his teachers homework. Kari: Cody! When did you get here? Cody: About a minute ago. T.K.: Hey, maybe Ken knows how to defeat the Digimon Emperor!

XD We should definitely ask him.

Yolei: Hmph! I know more about the Digital World than that stupid kid! Davis: He may be stupid, but he's still a genius! Yolei: Ugh....

Yolei picks a weird flex only for Davis to "Nuh-uh" her. In the original, their lines were valid points, despite Miyako's pettiness.

Gatomon: Hey, Kari? Kari: Yeah? Patamon: We're ready to go back to the Digital World now! T.K.: All present and accounted for! Let's get going! Yolei: The Gate to the Digital World is open! Davis: Then what are we waiting for? Yolei: Yeah! Forget all this talk about geniuses! Davis: Next stop: The Digital World!

I like that Yolei manages to squeeze in another jab at Ken. She's still jealous.

While the Children presumably enter the Digital World, we cut to Ichijouji Ken walking in the streets of Tokyo.

A small puppy approaches Ken and licks his shoe.

Ken: You're making my shoe dirty.

So he punts it. Ken literally kicks a puppy. He is so evil that he kicks a puppy. The dog hits the sidewalk a few feet away and runs away, letting out helpless yelps as it flees.

Once he's finished with animal abuse, Ken returns home.

Ken's Mom: Ken-chan! I'm going to my part-time job soon. I'll leave your snack right here.

She sets a small tray down on the table. It has a carton of milk and a slice of cake. Ken says nothing and simply continues on to his room.

Ken's Mom: Ken-chan, I know you're busy studying--

Ken cuts her off with the closing of his door. Doesn't even spare her a word to acknowledge her.

In the dub, the streets are a lot busier, with the sounds of people talking filling the scene. Then they start to notice Ken.

Girl: There goes the winner of the computer contest! Woman: Isn't that the boy genius!?

Ken literally kicking a puppy gets cut. Instead, he just says,

Ken: Beat it, you mangy little mutt, or I'll call the pound.

And then the dog runs off yelping.

Mrs. Ichijouji: Oh, Ken! You're home! I'm going to work now, sweetie. I'll just leave your snack on the table. Oh, I bought a new label maker today! I just can't stop playing with it. I even labeled the toilet. Ken: (exasperated sigh, leaves) Mrs. Ichijouji: Ken sure spends a lot of time alone in his room.

The dub adds a gag with the label maker bit which makes Mrs. Ichijouji look like a bit of an airhead. This changes the context of Ken's rejection, and now he comes off as a bit irritable but also exasperated by her antics.

In the original, it's clear that she's nothing but a kind and doting mom, and her cold-hearted puppy-kicking son won't even give her the time of day. Like she's beneath him.

Once he's shut away inside his room, Ken logs into the Digital World.

An ominous black obelisk stands in the distance, towering over a Digital World forest. The Digimon Kaiser cracks his whip, chasing out an Elecmon. The frightened Digimon hides in the bushes, cowering from the Kaiser's wrath.

Kaiser: I know you're out there! Come on out.

Elecmon scampers out of the bushes and flees for their life. The sight brings a smile to the Kaiser's face.

Kaiser: Trying to run away? This will be fun.

The Kaiser whistles, summoning a nearby Tuskmon already enslaved to his service.

Kaiser: Give me a ride and chase after them.

Tuskmon pursues Elecmon until they get close enough for the Kaiser to whip the poor creature. Struggling to crawl forward, tears flow from Elecmon's eyes. The Kaiser grins sadistically.

Kaiser: Run... run...!

In the dub:

Emperor: It's no use trying to hide from me! Come out! (Elecmon flees) Emperor: Ooh, a chase! Interesting.... (Emperor summons Tuskmon) Emperor: Let's go! We have a little errand to run! (Tuskmon chases Elecmon down and the Emperor whips them) Emperor: It's not as fun if I catch you right away.

Solid.

From there, we follow the Kaiser to a circular pit dug in the ground, with a ring of cells lining its walls. Just like the puppy earlier, he gives Elecmon a hard punt, kicking them into a hatch to drop them into a vacant cell.

Out in the trees beyond the edge of the ring, a trio of Gotsumon watch and whisper about the Digimon Kaiser.

Gotsumon 1: Another one caught. Gotsumon 2: Guys, when he captures someone and puts one of those collars on them, they change completely! Gotsumon 3: We should get out of here! Gotsumon 1: But we can't just abandon our nakama! Gotsumon 2: But....

Gotsumon 2 and 3 are pretty sure this will end terribly for them if they remain, but Gotsumon 1 is determined to jailbreak this place.

In the dub, they do an absolutely terrible job of censoring the kick. The Kaiser's foot clearly connects with Elecmon, then the Gotsumon are inserted gasping, and then we cut back to Elecmon falling. I think they cut more frames of Elecmon falling than Elecmon getting kicked.

Gotsumon 1: He caught another Digimon! Gotsumon 2: They all change once he puts those Dark Rings around them. Gotsumon 1: If he thinks he's going to catch us, he's got rocks in his head! Gotsumon 3: Then again, so do we! We've gotta run! Gotsumon 1: We can't abandon our friend Elecmon!

Gotsumon 3 makes a strong argument.

Taking his place on a throne overlooking the arena, Ken releases a second Elecmon, this one with a black ring around their neck. The controlled Elecmon charges into the cell of the newly captured on, pulling them out into the arena and then shooting them with lightning.

The Gotsumon watch in horror from their hiding space.

Gotsumon 1: Another defeat! Gotsumon 2: After being captured, they're made to fight their own nakama until they're beaten. Gotsumon 3: And he enjoys watching it, the terrifying freak!

Gotsumon 3 accidentally snaps a twig while fretting, giving them all away. The Kaiser reacts quickly, lashing his whip and knocking the three of them to the ground. Gotsumon 3 screams and flees for his life while 1 and 2 freeze up.

Cut to Gotsumon 1 and 2, now in the ring with black rings around their necks, bashing their skulls against one another to see who'll give in first. Gotsumon 3 watches helplessly from the bushes.

Gotsumon 3: (crying) They were friends....

While the Kaiser watches, sadistic grin plastered on his face, Wormmon watches the Kaiser with concern.

Wormmon: Ken-chan, is this really what makes you happy?

This scene is part of why I think the Digimon Kaiser arc was a "Shots Fired!" at monster taming games like Pokemon or some of Digimon's own entries. The Kaiser catches a new monster, then proceeds to subjugate that monster and make them fight gladiator-style duels for his amusement. And the monster in question used to demonstrate this is a small, juvenile mammal that shoots lightning.

It's pretty on-the-nose.

In the dub:

Gotsumon 1: He's making them fight each other! Gotsumon 2: Digimon who are friends would never hurt each other if they weren't under his evil spell. Gotsumon 3: He enjoys watching their agony! What a terrible person! (Gotsumon 3 accidentally gives them away, then flees) Emperor: You two are next. (The two Gotsumon fight in the arena) Gotsumon 3: (crying) How can they fight!? They're best friends! Emperor: Huhuhuhuhuhu.... Wormmon: Master, is this really the kind of thing that makes you happy?

Basically the same, but Wormmon's still using the detached and formal "Master" instead of the personal and emotional "Ken-chan".

Elsewhere in the Digital World, the Chosen Children finally arrive.

Iori: Huh? They're back to normal.

V-mon, Armadimon, and Hawkmon are back in their Child stages.

Armadimon: We turn back when we return to the Digital World dagyaa.

Suddenly, the kids' Digivices react. On Daisuke's screen, we can see three blue blips gathered, two red blips, and a large white blip. The blue blips are probably the new Digivices, with the red ones being Takeru and Hikari's old Digivices. But the large white blip is a mystery.

Unlike last episode, this time everyone seems to be getting the reaction.

Daisuke: Huh? Hikari: What's this? Iori: It's a Digimental! Takeru: Eh? V-mon: A Digimental? Iori: There's a Digimental nearby! Daisuke: There are more Digimentals? Miyako: What does this mean? Hikari: In any case, let's go look for it. Daisuke: Yeah! Let's start searching!

This won't be so simple, however. Back at the arena, the Kaiser's Dark Digivice gives him the same readings. His sadistic grin turns to a scowl.

Kaiser: (quietly) Them again? Irritating....

The original goes to commercial here.

In the dub:

Cody: You guys are back to normal. Veemon: Yep! Armadillomon: We change back when we return to the Digital World. (Digivices go off) Davis: Hmm? Kari: What's going on? Cody: Hey, a Digi-Egg. T.K.: What? V-mon: Where is it? Cody: The Digivice says it's not far from here. Davis: More Digi-Eggs? We already have ours. Yolei: Who are they for? Kari: We'll never know unless we look for them. Davis: I'll do anything you want, Kari! (Cut to Digimon Emperor) Emperor: Huhuhuhu--hmm? (angry) It's those kids again! I've had enough.

The dub swaps Daisuke sincerely agreeing with Hikari for Davis sucking up to her. They also skip the commercial break here, shifting it down to later.

The Chosen Children follow the signals from their Digivices. Daisuke takes the lead, tracking the signal while the rest of the team follows him.

Miyako: Where is it? V-mon: I think it should be somewhere around here. Takeru: I wonder what kind of Digimon will be emerge from this one? Armadimon: Ah, I can't even imagine dagyaa. Hikari: But does that mean there are more Chosen Children? Hawkmon: That's... We don't know.

It's a valid question. Three new Digivices, three Digimentals, for three new Chosen Children. The existence of further Digimentals is certainly eyebrow-raising.

Daisuke: It's this way-- Kaiser: What are you doing!? Miyako: IT'S HIM!!!

A transparent Digimon Kaiser appears in the path. Daisuke minces no words.

Daisuke: Hey, asshole! This is for the other day!

Daisuke runs forward and punches the Kaiser in the face. His hand passes harmlessly through the Kaiser, followed by the rest of him. The force of his punch carries Daisuke to the ground. KO!!!

Takeru: That's not the real one; It's a hologram!

Thank you, Daisuke, for testing the Kaiser's realness with your fist. We should make this a habit.

In the dub:

Davis: Hey, it's getting pretty dark in these woods. Here, Kari, I'll hold your hand so you don't get scared. Kari: (offended) I'm not scared. T.K.: And it's not her hand. It's mine! Davis: Oh, sorry, T.J. Kari: (furious) And that's not his name! It's T.K.! Davis: Whatever.

They cut out the Q&A segment, replacing it with unrequited crush banter. Most of the Q&A is okay to cut; They're just idly pondering their current circumstances. But Hikari wondering if there are even more Chosen Children they don't know about is something the audience should be thinking about, so losing that sucks.

All we get out of this new dialogue is that Davis is still such a douche. Also, the animation doesn't work super well with it, as T.K. is visibly positioned too far back for Davis to have grabbed his hand. That was Cody's face.

The dub adds more beeping sounds suddenly emerging from the Digivice, to signal we're near the target.

Davis: Shh! I'm getting something! It's just up there ahead of us! Emperor: WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE!?!? Yolei: LOOK OUT!!! Davis: I'll get you once and for all! (Swing and a miss) T.K.: It's just an illusion! He's not really there!

The dub typically censors out kid-on-kid violence but they let Davis's punch through. Failing a punch and wiping yourself out is A-okay.

This time, it's the Kaiser's turn to ask questions.

Kaiser: How is it that stupid people like you have the freedom to come and go from this world? Iori: How?

Yeah, that's going to be three counts of "Rude" and two counts of "Do you know who you're talking to!?"

While the Kaiser talks, Daisuke picks himself off the ground, clutching his shoulder and wincing. He wiped out so hard he hurt himself. Goddammit, Daisuke. XD

Kaiser: Only those who've been Chosen should be able to enter this place. Group: EH!?!? Daisuke: Then why are you here!? Kaiser: Because I'm a Chosen Child. Takeru: A Chosen Child? Hikari: Eh? You too? Kaiser: In any case, your existence makes me uncomfortable. It's as if all of you are being treated the same as me. Daisuke: And what's wrong with treating us the same--eh?

Having vented his elitist outrage, the hologram vanishes suddenly. Heavy footfalls announce the arrival of the Digimon Kaiser in person. He appears, riding the shoulder of an enslaved Tyranomon.

Group: Wha--!? Daisuke: What the--!? Kaiser: A Chosen Child should be a perfect human being, like me! Not any of you! Daisuke: A perfect human being!? Takeru: Who the hell do you think you are!? Kaiser: The Digital World belongs to me! Get out! Immediately! Miyako: What's with him? Kaiser: If you interrupt my game, then I'll have no choice but to react accordingly. Go, Tyranomon!

Yeah, he started this conversation as a hologram because he was chomping at the bit to yell at them and couldn't wait two minutes to reach his destination. Probably putting them on mute occasionally to scream at Digi-Traffic.

So much privilege and elitism rolling out of the Kaiser's mouth right now. He is so mad that he's not the universe's special little guy with unique access to something that was made just for him.

He legit thought these kids were just some nobodies who found some kind of backdoor way to hack into his private server. Which is utter nonsense but the only way the giant ego on display here could rationalize their presence without compromising his superiority.

In the dub:

Emperor: Who do you think you are, sneaking into the Digital World!? What do you think this is, a movie theater or something!? Cody: What's he talking about? Emperor: Ordinary children are not allowed in the Digital World! Only the DigiDestined are! Group: Huh!? Davis: We are the DigiDestined, Wonder Boy!

What is the secret of your powe~er!

...actually, a very important question.

Emperor: You? The DigiDestined? That's physically impossible. T.K.: Why is that impossible? Kari: Yeah! Why can't we be? Emperor: It's simple. Based on the laws of physics, I have determined that only perfect human beings can be DigiDestined. And, of course, I am the only perfect human being. Davis: Oh yeah, big shot!? Well, what about Kari!?

Davis. Just. Shut the fuck up. He is laying it on so thick this episode.

"Based on the laws of physics". What? This is an irrational, entitled boast, not a scientific study.

(Tyrannomon arrives) Davis: Oh no! Emperor: You are intruders in a place where you don't belong. You are ordered to hereby evacuate the premises without further notice. Davis: The landlord told my uncle the same thing. T.K.: We have just as much right to be here as you! Emperor: This world and everything in it belongs to me! Now all of you GET OUT!!! Yolei: Try and make us! Emperor: Why must everyone question my authority? Does it always have to turn into a great big production? Get 'em, Tyrannomon!

The dub glosses over the important detail that the Emperor, too, is formally DigiDestined like the rest of them. The point of this scene is confronting both sides with the reality that neither he nor they are here by some sort of trickery or subterfuge. They've all received the same calling, something that unsettles both him and them.

And also to convey just how delusional and up-his-own-ass the Digimon Kaiser is. He sincerely believes that he is a special class of person and deserves unique privileges. After that puff piece we just saw where the news worshipped the ground he walked on, I can't imagine where he got that idea.

The dub's take on this scene is janky and misses its mark with the two sides' mutual discovery of each other's legitimacy. However, it does hit its mark with conveying the Emperor's entitlement.

Now, get 'em, Tyranomon!

Narrator: Tyranomon. Their two fully-developed arms give them a strong offense. Their special attack is Fire Breath.

The rundown here emphasizes Tyranomon's arms. I think this is meant to contrast against your expectations of a T-Rex, pointing out that Tyranomon has strong, proportionately well-sized claws to strike with.

(I blame the frog DNA.)

The previous show's rundown told us that Tyranomon is well-adapted for wilderness survival. Neat.

Hikari: LOOK OUT!!!

Hikari gets the team moving before Tyranomon's flame breath incinerates the area they were standing. Scampering out of range, Daisuke whips back around to yell at the Kaiser.

Daisuke: What are you doing!? Kaiser: Hmph. V-mon: Let's go, Daisuke! Daisuke: Yeah! DIGIMENTAL UP!!!

V-mon Armor Evolves into Fladramon, but the Kaiser is unimpressed.

Kaiser: Hmph. Do you really think the same trick will work every time? This is why I can't stand idiots. Daisuke: This jerk is seriously pissing me off! Kaiser: Tyranomon.

At the Kaiser's command, Tyranomon smacks Fladramon with their strong, well-developed arm. Fladramon rights himself in the air and lands on his feet, kicking off a tree to return to the fight.

Fladramon: I can take this. KNUCKLE FIRE!!! Kaiser: Huhu...

Fladramon shoots off his fire rockets. Tyranomon spins, smacking the projectiles out of the air with their tail. It's not going to be so easy this time.

Daisuke: What!? Damn it!

Nothing worse than when the uptight asshole's smugness is validated.

In the dub:

Emperor: (rundown) He's one of the most powerful Digimon. His Blaze Blast attack incinerates his enemies.

He is not one of the most powerful Digimon. I don't know where the Emperor got that idea. Someone's never heard of Ultimate or Mega levels. In fact, according to the Reference Book, Tyranomon is a solid "Beginner's First Digimon".

The dub lets Tyrannomon call his attack, robbing Hikari of her "Oh shit, I know what this is," moment.

Tyrannomon: BLAZE BLAST!!! (Kids run away) Davis: Is that all you've got!? Emperor: Rrrrrrrgh.... Veemon: Are you ready for me, Davis? Davis: Yeah! DIGI-ARMOR ENERGIZE!!! (Veemon Armor Digivolves into Flamedramon) Emperor: See, this is why I'm a genius and you're not. You keep using the same attacks against me yet I keep coming up with something new. Davis: I've heard enough of your babbling! Let's get to it! Emperor: (disappointed) Fine, have it your way. (Tyrannomon smacks Flamedramon away) Flamedramon: FIRE ROCKET!!! (Tyrannomon deflects the attack with his tail) Davis: No way! He blocked it!

The Emperor honestly sounds disappointed that Davis doesn't want to banter with him. I think Davis hurt his feelings.

Time to kick things up.

Hawkmon: Miyako-san! Miyako: Mm! DIGIMENTAL UP!!!

Gliding forward low to the ground, Horusmon skirts around a shot of Fire Breath.

Horusmon: RED SUN!!!

Horusmon returns fire, landing a direct hit on Tyranomon's chest. Doesn't hit the black ring, but knocks the enemy Digimon flat on his back.

In the dub:

Hawkmon: Now, Yolei? Yolei: Mm! DIGI-ARMOR ENERGIZE!!!

As before, Tyrannomon calls Blaze Blast when shooting at Halsemon, and Halsemon calls Red Sun as Tempest Wing.

The Kaiser seems to be on the back foot. But he came prepared for this.

Kaiser: Do you think you have the advantage in numbers? COME FORTH, MY SERVANTS!!!

On cue, four more Tyranomon emerge from the woods, surrounding the Chosen Children.

Daisuke: What the heck!? Miyako: There are five of them!?

One for each of us! Which isn't a good thing, since the five kids only have three Digimentals to go around. With the Dark Digivice in play and Tailmon nerfed, Hikari and Takeru are helpless.

In the dub:

Emperor: You think you can beat me with a little addition!? Hmph! How do you like multiplication!? (Four more Tyrannomon appear) Davis: Huh!? How can that be!?

This is where the dub takes its commercial break, on the shot of all five Tyrannomon surrounding the Chosen Children. We come back a moment before, with the Tyrannomon still emerging from the woods.

Emperor: The more, the merrier! (The Tyrannomon surround the children) Yolei: There are five of them now!

That multiplication jab was pretty good. Solid villain quip. XD

Well, we're outnumbered but we do at least have one more fighter we can put into this.

Iori: Armadimon, can you help? Armadimon: I'll take care of it dagyaa! Iori: DIGIMENTAL UP!!!

Watching Armadimon Armor Evolve, Tailmon and Patamon feel left out.

Tailmon: Why can't we evolve!? Patamon: We want to fight too! Kaiser: So long as I have this Dark Digivice, you'll never be able to evolve! Servants, converge your attacks on those two. Takeru: Wait, what!?

Acting on orders, two Tyranomon focus fire on Patamon and Tailmon. They scamper away from the blasts, straight into the path of a third Tyranomon. It only takes one swipe from Tyranomon's strong, fully-developed claw to slam them both against a nearby tree.

Patamon: We're dead weight like this! Tailmon: It's frustrating!

It's true but also. Like. Okay. Nobody help or anything. Fladramon, Horusmon, and Digmon standing around watching this happen and munching popcorn.

In the dub:

Cody: You ready, Armadillomon? Armadillomon: Ready when you are. Cody: DIGI-ARMOR ENERGIZE!!! (Digmon evolves and does fuck-all) Gatomon: Why not let us Digivolve so we can fight!? Patamon: Yeah! What are you afraid of!? Emperor: As long as I have this Dark Digivice, you'll never be able to Digivolve. And you two are useless; I might as well destroy you first! T.K.: Leave them alone! (The Tyrannomon fuck up Gatomon and Patamon while nobody intervenes) Patamon: I thought that cats were always supposed to land on their feet! Gatomon: Oh, shut up....

Patamon, we all saw your back hit that tree. You're in no position to be making fun.

One of the Tyranomon moves in to crush Patamon and Tailmon. They rise and flee back into the killbox, where two Tyranomon are waiting with shots ready to go. The ground erupts behind them, blocking both shots. When the smoke clears, Digmon is left standing there.

Digmon: I'll be your opponent dagyaa!

Better late than never. Patamon and Tailmon collapse. Daisuke and Fladramon stand protectively between them and the Kaiser's Tyranomon.

Daisuke: That's unfair, Digimon Kaiser! Kaiser: Unfair? There's no such thing as unfair when it comes to winning and losing.

Digimon Kaiser is an unbearably toxic gamer.

In the dub:

Digmon: Hello, boys! Looks like you have some cavities that need filling! (Davis and Flamedramon protect Patamon and Gatomon) Davis: That's not fair! We're outnumbered! Emperor: Remember the old saying: It's not how you play the game, it's whether you win or lose.

Dub team seems to have misunderstood the context of Daisuke calling the Kaiser out as 卑怯 hikyou or cowardly, unfair, underhanded. He's not complaining about the number of Tyranomon present. He's complaining about the Kaiser having them converge on the two Digimon that can't fight back.

He's calling out the Kaiser for choosing to bully the helpless instead of face them in a straight fight.

This is going nowhere, but Iori has an idea.

Iori: We'll get nowhere if this keeps up! We should take our chances with the Digimental! Miyako: But we don't know whose Digimental it is! Daisuke: Let's just give it a try!

Iori leads the way into the forest, following his Digivice.

Hikari: Tailmon, we're going to look for the Digimental! Takeru: Patamon, over here!

Patamon and Tailmon follow the humans while Digmon, Horusmon, and Fladramon stay behind.

Digmon: We'll handle things here dagyaa!

In the dub:

Cody: We don't stand a chance like this! We've got to go and try to find the other Digi-Egg! Yolei: But Cody, we don't even know who it belongs to! Davis: It doesn't matter! It's worth a try! (Cody's Digivice starts beeping) Cody: I'm getting something! This way! Kari: Gatomon, let's look for the other Digi-Eggs! T.K.: Patamon, come this way! Digmon: OPEN WIDE!!! GOOD!!!

Solid.

While the Children go search for the Digimental, their Partners hold the line.

Horusmon lets out a pair of circular pulses from his eyes, which he names Udjat Gaze in English. To briefly explain that weird name, there are two key eye symbols in ancient Egyptian language: the Ra's right Wedjat Eye and Horus's left Udjat Eye. Horusmon's Udjat Gaze is a reference to that symbol.

Horusmon: UDJAT GAZE!!! Fladramon: KNUCKLE FIRE!!! Digmon: BIG CRACK!!!

I'm. *snerk* I'm going to need us all to be very... very mature... hahahaha... about Digmon's Big Crack. Hahahahahahaha.

The pulses from Horusmon's Udjat Gaze meet one Tyranomon's eyes, freezing them in place.

Fladramon nails a second in the side of their face with Knuckle Fire, which is a lot more painful than momentary paralysis.

And Digmon's Crack proves to be so Big that it can take two at a time.

The dub, as usual, dumbs these moves down to all being the same one name for each of a Digimon's attacks.

Halsemon: TEMPEST WING!!! Flamedramon: FIRE ROCKET!!! Digmon: GOLD RUSH!!!

That's boring.

From his perch on his Tyranomon, the Kaiser watches the Iori, Hikari, and Takeru flee with Tailmon and Patamon. I guess Daisuke and Miyako are staying behind.

Kaiser: Don't let them get away! After them!

One of the other Tyranomon turns and pursues. Presumably the one Fladramon was fighting, as we cut to Fladramon attempting to pursue.

Fladramon: CRAP!!!

Fireball to the temple was not as incapacitating as what the other two were doing. Fladramon needs better attacks. He should take some notes from Horusmon's eye and Digmon's crack.

Fladramon doesn't get far, however. Kaiser's Tyranomon blocks the path, intercepting Fladramon's pursuit. One of the five Tyranomon is now free to assault the retreating children's flank.

Patamon: AIR SHOT!!!

Patamon strikes the pursuing Tyranomon in the face with his attack, a compressed gust of air spit from his mouth. Tyranomon flinches briefly from the hit, but it didn't do much.

Tailmon: Let's get out of here!

Recognizing the futility of fighting, the two Digimon give up and rejoin the children in their escape. As they run, Iori spots a small cave opening. Small enough for humans to fit through, but much too tiny for a creature the size of Tyranomon.

Iori: Into that cave!

The kids slip into the cave, losing their tail. Tyranomon stomps past outside, continuing their search for their quarry.

In the dub:

Emperor: You can run but you can't hide! (Tyranomon chases the kids) Flamedramon: Going somewhere!? (Emperor's Tyranomon blocks Flamedramon's path) Flamedramon: You'll have to go through me first to get to them! Patamon: BOOM BUBBLE, PAH!!! (The Boom Bubble does nothing) Gatomon: Patamon, it's no use! Run! (The kids flee until they see the cave) Cody: Let's hide in that cave!

The dub seems confused by the action here. Flamedramon's lines indicate that he's stopping the Emperor from pursuing. He clearly isn't, as you can see the pursuing Tyrannomon behind the Emperor disappearing into the distance. Then we cut immediately to their unimpeded pursuit.

Gandalf and the Fellowship are on opposite sides of the Balrog. It's a weird time to try and play YOU SHALL NOT PASS.

While the Children catch their breath inside the cave, Iori checks his Digivice. How far to the Digimental?

Iori: Huh!?

Oh, not far at all. He looks up to see two shimmering artifacts down one of the cave's tunnels.

Iori: Are those...? Hikari: ...Digimentals? Takeru: So if we can lift those Digimentals, then new Digimon will emerge? Hikari: But there aren't any more Chosen Children. Takeru: There's nothing we can do.

Not with that attitude, anyway. Down the tunnel, sitting on a ledge, are a pair of Digimentals. One with tiny Patamon wings and the Crest of Hope, and the other with yellow talons wrapped in wings and the Crest of Light.

In the dub:

Cody: Huh!? What are those!? Kari: They're Digi-Eggs? T.K.: (sarcastic) Great! What do we do now, wait around for a new kid to come along and lift it so another new Digimon will be born!? Kari: But there aren't any more DigiDestined left. T.K.: What are those symbols on the front of them?

Despite agreeing to come search for the Digi-Eggs, T.K. suddenly decides to be a rude jerk about it.

Looking over the Digimentals from a distance, Hikari suddenly recognizes the symbols on them.

Hikari: Is that... the Crest of Light? Takeru: Eh? Hikari: (getting excited) And the other one is the Crest of Hope! Takeru-kun!

Hikari sprints down the tunnel to get a closer look. Takeru joins her shortly after.

Takeru: It is! Tailmon: Then those are Takeru and Hikari's Digimentals! Patamon: Takeru, try to pick up that Digimental! Takeru: But-- Tailmon: Give it a try, even if it doesn't work! Hikari: There's no point! We won't be able to move it! Tailmon: JUST DO IT!!! Takeru: Okay.

Tailmon makes a strong argument but I can see where Hikari's reluctance is coming from. When you know something isn't going to work, it's emotionally easier to embrace futility than to invite certain failure.

As Takeru and Hikari approach the Digimentals, their Digivices suddenly start to glow brightly in their pockets.

Takeru: The Digivices are glowing!?

They pull their Digivices from their pockets just in time to watch the gadgets morph into the same new-style Digivices that Daisuke, Miyako, Iori, and the Kaiser have. Takeru's is green while Hikari's is pink.

Hikari: This is the same kind of Digivice that Daisuke-kun and the others have! Takeru: But why...?

Awfully rude that the other Digimentals didn't do that for Taichi, Sora, and Koushiro.

In the dub:

Kari: Huh? One of them is the Crest of Light! T.K.: What!? Kari: And the other one has the Crest of Hope! Wow! Come on! (Kari and T.K. run to the Digi-Eggs) T.K.: You're right.... Gatomon: Then these Digi-Eggs must belong to the two of you. Patamon: Go ahead and try to lift them up, you guys! T.K.: Yeah, but-- Gatomon: If you don't try, you'll never know. Kari: But we've already got our Digimon. Gatomon: Just do it! T.K.: Gatomon's right! Kari: Huh?

Kari struggles to see what part of that was so convincing. XD

(T.K. and Kari approach the Eggs; Their Digivices glow) T.K.: Huh!? The Digivices are glowing! (T.K. watches his Digivice transform) Kari: These are the same Digivices that the new kids have! T.K.: But why...?

Pretty straight translation. Minor change in Kari's reason for arguing with Gatomon. In the original, she's expecting failure due to how the other Digimentals have gone. Dub Kari makes the logical argument that her Partner Digimon can't be waiting in the Digimental when she's right here arguing with her. These are both valid points, but ultimately falter in the face of Tailmon/Gatomon's rock-solid position of "Just do it!"

Hikari and Takeru relent, lifting the Digimentals of Light and Hope. They come up effortlessly.

Hikari: It's light! Takeru: We lifted them!

Oh, it's light, is it? Huh? Huh? 軽い Karui? More like ヒカルイ Hikarui, amirite? ...I'll show myself out.

Pink and yellow light pour out of the pedestal as before, though new Digimon do not emerge. (Be funny if Patamon and Tailmon suddenly popped out like rabbits from a hat, complete with offscreen yelps from wherever they were yanked away from.) Hikari and Takeru don't even need to say the words.

Tailmon and Patamon, ARMOR SHINKAAAAAA!!!

Pegasmon: Soaring Hope, Pegasmon! Nefertimon: Smiling Light, Nefertimon!

A note about Pegasmon's title. When he says "soaring", he doesn't mean like an eagle or a hawk. The word here is 天駆ける amakakeru. It's a composite of 駆ける kakeru, which is a horse verb to describe running or galloping and 天 ten, Heaven.

So 天駆ける Amakakeru basically means "Galloping across Heaven". Pegasmon "soars" like an angel or spirit descending upon the earth. We don't really have an adjective for this in English so "Soaring Hope" is the best we've got, even though it fails to really capture the angelic nature of the word.

There is similarly a bit of nuance to Nefertimon's 微笑み hohoemi. The word 笑み emi already means "to smile". Adding 微 to it makes the smile sound dimmer, as the kanji means small or slight or minor. But the composite is generally recognizes to be, specifically, a smile of affection or grace.

Putting it in context, it's the kind of smile an angel might share with her followers. Not a reactive smile of joy or mirth over something funny that just happened, but a passive smile filled with benevolence and love.

It's also an ironic choice of title for a Digimon who wears a full-face mask, which seem to only have a neutral expression on offer.

In the dub:

Kari: Wow! It's light! T.K.: I'm stronger than I thought! (Patamon and Gatomon Armor-Digivolve) Pegasusmon: Pegasusmon, Flying Hope! Nefertimon: Nefertimon, the Angel of Light!

The dub makes Nefertimon "Angel of Light" in order to capture the heavenly essence that can't be conveyed by the English word "Smiling" alone. And doesn't even try to do the same for Pegasusmon, who they slap the missing "su" into the name of and call it a day. We'll talk about Pegasmon's name in a moment, when we hit the rundowns.

Watching the pair evolve, Iori is stunned.

Iori: Patamon and Tailmon Armor-Evolved! Hikari: They were ours! They were our Digimentals, Nefertimon! Nefertimon: That's great, Hikari! Now we can fight too! Pegasmon: Takeru! Takeru: Yeah, we aren't dead weight anymore!

Thrilled to be back in the fight, Hikari and Takeru give their Partners a hug.

In the dub:

Cody: Gatomon and Patamon were able to Armor-Digivolve! Kari: Nefertimon, you're beautiful. But the best part is, now that you can fly, we don't have to walk anymore! Nefertimon: Well, don't get too excited. These wings aren't broken in yet. Kari: Heh.... Pegasusmon: T.K.! T.K.: Alright! My very own Armor Digimon!

Kari and T.K. are just excited to have new forms for their Partners. It's Christmas in April!

Outside, despite how hard the Chosen Children were crushing it in the fight last time we checked in, the tide's turned on them. V-mon, Hawkmon, and Armadimon lay defeated and helpless in front of Daisuke and Miyako, who've been backed up against the edge of a cliff by the Tyranomon horde.

The searching Tyranomon seems to have given up and returned, as the Kaiser now has all five with him.

Kaiser: Hmph. Giving up already? Daisuke: What's that supposed to mean!? Kaiser: Look behind you. Where could you even run??

Daisuke glances at the cliff behind him. He doesn't have a retort for that.

An interesting point of characterization for the Digimon Kaiser is that, unlike the villains of the first series, he isn't playing for keeps. At least, right now. This is "a game", after all. He wants Daisuke and Miyako to concede defeat and then leave.

But before the Kaiser can clinch his victory, the winged cavalry arrives.

Iori: DAISUKE-SAAAAAAN!!! Daisuke: Ah! Miyako: What!?

Nefertimon and Pegasmon fly in, letting their riders and Iori down on the cliff's edge with Daisuke and Miyako. Now we can ALL fall to our doom!

Alright, let's talk shop. Patamon and Tailmon have distinct attributes, but they become Free attribute when they Armor Evolve, like the other three. Nefertimon is named for the Egyptian queen Nefertiti, while Pegasmon draws his name from the Greek horse god Pegasus.

Why Pegasmon and not, say, Pegasumon? The Digimon Reference Guide translates it as Pegasmon as well, but why? Japanese, after all, doesn't have a letter for a flat 's'. The lettering is ペガスモン Pe-ga-su-mo-n. So why not call him Pegasumon? Is this another "Nobody knows how to fucking translate Horusmon" situation?

Well, no. As a translation, Pegasmon actually makes sense. The Japanese name for Pegasus is ペガサス Pe-ga-sa-su. Since the Japanese written languages have very few letters for single consonants with no vowel component, the ス su here stands in for the ending 's'.

For the Digimon, they carved the サ sa out of his name and added the モン mon, creating ペガスモン. Since ス stands in for a singular 's' in Pegasus, it's translated as a singular 's' here as well. Thus, we end up with ペガスモン romanized as Pegasmon. That's how the Reference Book refers to him, and I can see where they're coming from.

It is, nonetheless, pronounced "Pegasumon".

Narrator: Pegasmon! A Holy Beast-type Digimon who displays absolute strength against all wicked things. His special attack is the holy ray of light, Silver Blaze! Narrator: Nefertimon! A Holy Beast-type Digimon who purifies the darkness with the strength of her powerful light. Her special attack is a red-hot ray of light that fires from the ornament on her head, called Curse of Queen!

Curse of the Queen would probably flow better. Or possibly Curse of Queens. But, like most attacks, it's English. I don't translate English into better English, so we're stuck with Curse of Queen.

In the dub... Okay, I don't know if I've talked about this before but the dub has voice actors make animal noises for a lot of its bestial effects. And in this episode, it's really noticeable that the Tyrannomon snarls are all this one dude going "GRRRYAAARGH".

The original has, like... actual animal roar noises coming out of them.

Emperor: Do you guys give up yet? Davis: Not a chance! Emperor: Look behind you. Where do you think you're going to run to? (Winged cavalry arrives) Cody: Davis, we're here! Davis: ... Yolei: (gasp) Cody! (Nefertimon and Pegasusmon drop off the humans) Armadimon: (rundown) That's Pegasusmon! He's one wild horse! When he attacks with his Star Shower, his enemy will be blasted into outer space! Veemon: (rundown) And that's Nefertimon! She's a flying, fighting machine with nine lives! And she's quite a shot when tossing those Rosetta Stones of hers!

Armadimon and Veemon are really underselling the holy radiance of these Digimon, but given the censors' disdain for religious themes, I can't say I'm surprised.

Rosetta Stone is a weird attack name if you only know it as a tool for learning languages. But the Rosetta Stone was, specifically, an ancient Egyptian stele inscribed with the same message in three separate languages, which became instrumental in deciphering the written languages of ancient Egypt.

So for an ancient Egyptian queen, it's a fair reference if a bit arbitrary nonetheless.

Alright, introductions are over. Time to fight.

Getting down from his Tyranomon, the Kaiser exclaims:

Kaiser: That's only a temporary evolution! Don't think something like that will work every time! Tyranomon: (together) FIRE BREATH!!!

Yeah, the non-verbal Tyranomon call this one in the Japanese version too.

All five Tyranomon fire at once, converging attacks on Pegasmon and Nefertimon. Three dimensions of movement gives them a lot of maneuverability, however, as the pair take to the sky and avoid their shots entirely.

Nefertimon & Pegasmon: SANCTUARY BIND!!!

Not missing the opportunity, they counter with their holy shit duo attack. The armor on their front legs glows and they pass each other in the air, forming a ray of light between them. Circling the Tyranomon horde, they bind the light around all five and release, creating a ring that ties their enemies helplessly together.

Pegasmon: NEEDLE RAIN!!! Nefertimon: NILE JEWELRY!!!

Then they unload, making strafing runs around the targets. Pegasmon shoots a machine gun flurry of needles from his mane, while Nefertimon lets off diamond projectiles from the red jewels on her foreleg bangles.

Their combined assault targets the necks of the five helpless Tyranomon until finally an explosion breaks the Sanctuary Bind. Five Tyranomon collapse on each other, while their black ring collars shatter into pieces.

Miyako: The Rings are gone!

In the dub:

Emperor: Don't think Armor Digivolving will save you! It won't be long before I figure out how to stop that too!

The Kaiser/Emperor comes off like a pissy whiner in both versions. It's great.

In a surprising reversal, the dub does not call Blaze Blast when the Tyrannomon fire. For once, they removed an attack call instead of adding one.

Tyrannomon: (together) RRRRGYAAAGH!!! (Nefertimon and Pegasusmon dodge) Nefertimon & Pegasusmon: GOLDEN NOOSE!!!

(spit take) Holy shit, what!?

I mean, Sanctuary Bind isn't exactly a very accurate name. They wrapped them up to shoot them all at once which is... like... exactly the opposite of what a sanctuary's for. But how the fuck did the alarmingly accurate Golden Noose get past the censors!?

Pegasusmon: STAR SHOWER!!! Nefertimon: ROSETTA STONE!!!

Unlike in the original, the attacks Nefertimon and Pegasusmon use are the ones the rundown told us about. We're not seeing Silver Blaze or Curse of Queen this episode.

(Nefertimon and Pegasusmon defeat the Tyrannomon horde) Yolei: Their Dark Rings disappeared!

An interesting note that we still don't have a formal name for the Dark Rings in the original at this time. Miyako just called them "Rings" in English.

With the five Tyranomon released, the fighting is over. And I guess the Kaiser quietly peaced out while his dinos were being machine-gunned into freedom, because we do not hear from him.

The Children linger long enough to watch the five Tyranomon disappear into the distance. No one says a word, but Hikari takes a picture with her camera. It's not just a replacement neck dangly for her old whistle.

Returning to the human world, the children complain about the Kaiser while looking over the photo Hikari took.

Hikari: In any case, there's no excusing that kid! Who targets a weak opponent that can't even evolve!? Daisuke: Yeah, that's right! (pounds fist) He won't be talking when I'm done. Hikari: You think so too, right, Takeru-kun? Daisuke: (face falls comically) Takeru: Completely. I can't believe he's human like us. He's crazy if he thinks the Digital World belongs to him!

Poor Daisuke. This episode makes the Takeru/Hikari shippers happy for a few reasons. Most notably the unprecedented duo attack, that's shippy as fuck, but also this moment too. Daisuke's trying to be macho but Hikari defers to her nakama partner of three years.

In the dub, Kari gets a line while the camera's not focused on her.

Kari: I want to get a digital picture of this for my computer scrapbook! (Cut to the human world) Kari: These photos turned out great! Except the Tyrannomon all have red-eye. Oh, wait a minute! I forgot, they always have red eyes!

They do not. Their eyes are blue. They were only glowing red because of the Dark Ring, something that happens to all Digimon under the Emperor's control. It's been nine seconds since we saw them all open their bright blue eyes, now liberated from the Emperor.

Additionally, they were walking away from Kari when she snapped that picture. None of their eyes are visible in the shot she took. This joke does not remotely work.

Davis: I'm so mad! (pounds fist) Just wait 'til I get my hands on that Digimon Emperor! Kari: You'll defeat the Emperor, won't you, T.K.? Davis: (face comically falls) T.K.: I'm not sure, Kari, but we'll give it our best shot! The problem is we've never faced an enemy who was human before. How do we fight him?

Oh wow, I hate Kari's line here.

Hikari is the one driving this conversation about how much the Kaiser sucks. Both Daisuke and Takeru are responding to her outrage. The dub dropped that to make room for the red-eye joke. So instead, Davis drives the Emperor topic, which Kari immediately swipes from him to give to T.K. instead.

She blows off Daisuke in the original as well, but here, she's asking T.K.'s opinion of what Davis said, rather than what she said. She's not ignoring Davis but purposefully snubbing him.

And she manages to do it in a way that implies that she, Kari, will not be involved in the fight. The Emperor is a problem for Kari's favorite boy to solve by himself.

Additionally, this whole conversation leaves Davis as the only one who's actually mad, which makes him come across as unreasonable. In the original, everybody's pissed off. And why wouldn't they be, after the shit he pulled today?

This sucks. Terrible job. 0/10.

Meanwhile, Miyako, Iori, and Tailmon watch Chibimon, Poromon, and Upamon devour what's left of Miyako's grocery snacks. Miyako seems to find them adorable but Tailmon remains unimpressed by the Kids These Days.

Iori: By the way, our Digimentals seem to vary from person to person. Daisuke: Huh? What do you mean? Iori: Daisuke-san, Miyako-san, and I all had our Digimon emerge from the Digimentals, but it was different for Takeru-san and Hikari-san. No new Digimon emerged, but instead their original Digimon became capable of Armor Evolution. Takeru: Yeah, I wasn't expecting that. Hikari: I was happy about it, though.

Iori raises an important point. Going forward, we can't expect consistent behavior from the Digimentals. This isn't like the Crests where we all get a Crest the same way and they all have the same rules and work the same way. The Digimentals are more scattershot and arbitrary. We can assume nothing.

Miyako, who was too busy having cuteness overload from the snacking babies to get in on the Kaiser Sucks conversation, finally weighs in.

Miyako: That guy pisses me off! Iori: Eh? The Digimon Kaiser, right? I wonder who he really is? Daisuke: Whoever he is, the things he's doing are unforgivable! Group: Mhm! Iori: (thinking) But I'm not cut out for fighting other people....

A reservation that Iori should probably share with the class, but is keeping to himself.

Miyako: Ahh! Isn't this like an adventure game? Daisuke: What's this now? You were freaked out at first!

Miyako crouches down to resume basking in the cuteness.

Miyako: Mm... (singsong) Don't care!

Finally, we close where we began: One last brief snippet of Ken in his room, working at his computer. Doing... something... with the program for his Digimon Kaiser goggles on the screen.

In the dub:

Cody: T.K. brings up a very interesting point we should all consider. Davis: (aggressively) Oh, yeah!? What point is that!? Cody: Well, this is quite a little army we've put together so far. We've met our three new Digimon and they've been able to Armor Digivolve. And even Gatomon and Patamon have found a way to bypass the Digimon Emperor's Dark Digivice as well. But even with all our power combined, we still haven't had the strength to defeat the Digimon Emperor in the Digital World! Yet we still keep forgetting the fact that he's human. T.K.: Yeah, but I still don't get it. What's your point? Kari: He means we have to fight differently? Yolei: How do you suggest we do that!? Cody: If we find out his human identity, maybe we can defeat him from this side where his powers aren't as strong! Davis: What do we do, knock on doors asking for the Digimon Emperor!? Yolei: Hmph! Cody: (thinking) I knew I shouldn't have expressed my opinions. Now they'll all just make fun of me. Yolei: Well, you're a little young to be worrying about those things, Cody. Davis: Yeah! Just let us older kids come up with a plan! (Yolei crouches down to bask in cuteness) Yolei: Aren't they cute!

This scene continues to be holy shit terrible.

Cody still brings up the Armor Evolution, but only to point out that our Digimon are killer powerful but the Emperor is too strong to defeat. How he got that impression from our three consecutive victories, I have no idea.

However, Cody proposes a solution: Hunt him down in the human world and I guess jump him? Beat the ever-loving shit out of him on this side? IDK but it's a wild interpretation for a character who, in this scene, actually has the line, "I'm not cut out for fighting other people".

But everyone else thinks Cody's idea sucks. They all promptly bully him into shutting the fuck up and learning his place. The end.

This isn't quite "The gang swipes Joe's money and leaves him to starve haha" but it's up there. Dub Team really shit the bed in the final leg of this episode.

Finally, they give Ken a line in the final shots.

Ken: Tomorrow's another day. Narrator: Will the DigiDestined find out the human identity of the Digimon Emperor? Don't miss the next Digimon: Digital Monsters!

The answer is no, they will not. That's several episodes away. But okay, clickbait.

Assessment: Just like that, our team is complete. Still more Digimentals to go, but we have a full roster for the Kaiser arc.

And I'm happy to see it because Nefertimon and Pegasmon are my favorite Armor Digimon. Horusmon's pretty cool too. I guess I just really like that sleek "Armored flying quadruped" design.

It's funny how the setup here seemed like it was gearing up for a five-on-five battle once Nefertimon and Pegasmon joined the crew. Like how the previous episode did a three-on-three with Fladramon, Horusmon, and Digmon each taking an opponent.

But no. Nefertimon and Pegasmon are so fucking awesome that they'll take care the five Tyranomon themselves. Y'all can relax.

You can kinda feel the experience gap between Hikari and Takeru's 'mons and the others.

[fostercare-expat]

Sad news about the Stateless Baby. She is a former foster baby of Other Foster Mom and I looked after her once for a few hours. She was born to unmarried parents from a country that does not recognise babies born abroad out of wedlock so there’s no way to get citizenship for the baby other than a local adoption. In addition Mom is fairly unstable and has other kids that are being raise by a relative, so she’s not a great mom to begin with. A few months ago I was at a foster care event and I met a local family who was in the process of adopting Stateless Baby. They had committed to having Mom and the maybe Dad in her life. But today I just heard that Mom has taken back Stateless Baby for the last 3 weeks because she felt the potential adoptive family was trying to steal her away. The adoption paperwork here takes 6 months and the Stateless situation has made it even longer so there is no legal leg to stand on to get her back. Apparently Mom has been bringing the baby to work, which is clearly a “house of ill-repute” since she has no child care. The maybe Dad also works there too, so you can guess what his role is likely and you can guess why no one trusts he is the biological father. This is all a giant mess caused by the home country of Mom and maybe Dad, which isn’t the country we all live in here. From all the research that Other Foster Mom has done and from what the local and foreign embassies say, the citizenship issue can’t be resolved and there are tons of people who have just grown up without citizenship because if this ridiculous rule. Most just manage to find other ways to get citizenship by being adopted to a relative or married to someone when they are older. But most of those families are more savvy. This mom isn’t. She prefers to fly under the radar, i.e. she choose a home birth without anyone there as she was trying to have the baby without the authorities knowing. I feel for her because in theory she wants the baby but in reality she’s very stand-off ish and isn’t able to communicate well with all the authorities who are trying to help her. She can’t get Stateless Baby out of this country to her home country because the borders are super strict here, so she can’t even raise the baby informally by a relative over there. But she can’t ever send the kid to local school because only citizens and green card holders are allowed in local school and she doesn’t have $30,000 a year to send her kid to international school. It’s such a mess. The system sucks. But this baby needs some sort of plan. And it sounded like a really good plan of an adoptive family who can care of this darling baby girl safely without lots of scary men around 24/7 (because we are looking at a terrifying vulnerability for abuse with the current “bring your daughter to work” situation) and Mom and maybe Dad could still be part of her life. I guess eventually even if the baby isn’t taken away for abuse or neglect in her younger years, then girl would be taken by CPS for not attending school after age 7 as school is a strict requirement here and she will just end up in CPS care anyways. And she will be heavy damaged by then. Apparently there are other cases like hers here in CPS care too. What a nightmare. The poor kiddo suffers most.

The foreign system stinks because it’s perhaps needlessly separating a Mom and her child. (Although from what I’ve seen, this Mom might not be able to successfully parent even without these citizenship issues) and it’s punishing the child for being born to unwed parents, which isn’t her fault. They aren’t taking away the citizenship of the parents, they are doing it to the child. So wrong. And the local system has a very harsh approach to undocumented people so it won’t educate the child, but eventually would allow her to go to school only after removing her from her mother’s care. Also crazy. Just a mess. And none of these systems show signs of changing anytime soon. So we can complain they aren’t fair, but this baby is already 1 years old and isn’t going to stop growing so we need to find a way to give her a chance at a normal life.

[eroticcannibal]

My primary banned us applying sunscreen too. Think it was along the same thinking as kids needing to hand their meds over to the nurse and let them apply it? (Which, unless it's something where a kid can't reasonably be taught to administer themselves, also seems like a bad idea)

But of course one nurse can't apply sunscreen to hundreds of kids multiple times a day so we just. Didn't get it. Well, not until enough parents made a stink about it. But it was banned for a couple years.

Some of my teachers would turn a blind eye bc obviously this rule was ridiculous and putting everyone needlessly at risk, but others were real asses about it.

Bizarre to call bs on that. I remember bitching about it with the other kids at Brownies and they said similar things about their own schools. It seemed common, at least in my area?

Its really not that uncommon. I know the long wear stuff doesn't really work like that but I'd always use that for the child in school because they could not be trusted. Usually its more "we just don't have the time" rather than an outright ban but it is normal. Unfortunately.

[loominggaia]

¿Cómo fue la noche de bodas de los padres de los fgg? (O la primera vez (sexo) de los padres de los fgg con su respectiva pareja)

P.d:ya que el padre es un misterio, skel no cuenta

(Translated via Google Translate)

"How was the fgg parents' wedding night? (Or the first time (sex) of the parents of the fgg with their respective partner) P.s: since the father is a mystery, skel does not count"

--

That's kind of funny to think about! I think each answer could say a lot about their respective cultures, and even more about who they are as people.

There's nothing especially graphic ahead, but I'll put the following text below a cut just in case.

Foster and Sofia probably waited until their wedding night to do anything sexual because they're both Lindists. According to Lindist scripture, it's immoral to have sex before marriage because it "invites bad spirits" and "spoils the body". (In reality, the House of Humanity imposed this rule because Evangelite medical technology sucks, this kingdom is not well-equipped to deal with disease, and monogamous, committed intercourse is less likely to spread diseases.)

Since neither of them had prior experience, I'm sure it was awkward and unpleasant, especially for Sofia. Pleasure is not prioritized for Evangelite women because in their culture, women are seen as beasts of burden, baby-factories, and servants to men. Evangelite women are not supposed to enjoy sex because it's seen as improper, not ladylike behavior. So, sex with Foster was probably pretty awful and I doubt it got much better with time.

Moswen and Ekwame: Moswen was forced to marry Ekwame when she was 16, and she gave birth to her sons at 17. I think we can safely assume that she conceived those children on her wedding night, which is really upsetting considering Ekwame was 40 years older than her. As cruel and hateable as she is, I can't help but feel sympathy for her here, because this had to be a traumatic experience for her no matter how you slice it. She should have been in school with her peers, but instead she was getting railed by some nasty old man and forced into motherhood when she was still a kid herself. I don't want to dwell on this one, I'm sure you can imagine how scary this was for teenage Moswen. And knowing what a selfish, apathetic ass Ekwame was, I'm sure he didn't really care how she felt about anything. Both of them just went through the motions like they were told to, to fulfill political obligations.

Oggsa and Vingevar: We don't know much about Vingevar, so it's tough to say what happened here. But we do know what a tough, domineering personality Oggsa is, so you can bet one thing...she was always on top.

Rene and Sebastian: They were at it long before they got married, and I doubt they even remember their first time because they were both completely wasted. Despite their dysfunction, I think these two did genuinely love eachother, and it must have been a sweet moment for them both. Perhaps they were getting it on in a dirty public bathroom or next to a stinking swamp...but the love was still there!

Ojio and Tarajeen: Sex before marriage is taboo in Damijana, and considering all the agents spying on them, these two wouldn't have risked it. I think both of them were virgins before they married, and their first several times was the most awkward sex ever. Sex education is bad in Damijana--and I mean baaaaad! They don't teach their people anything useful about intercourse because the censorship laws are so over-the-top. Porn and nudity is outright banned, even if it's tasteful. This leaves grown-ass adult citizens very confused about sex and how it actually works. They just clumsily fumble their way through it until offspring happens (and oftentimes, doesn't happen! Damijani fertility rates are low for a reason...People literally forgot how to reproduce here...)

Ojio and Tarajeen knew they were supposed to undress and climb into bed together. After that...??? Something about tab A into slot B??? But they don't realize Ojio is supposed to be erect when it happens, nor do they realize they're supposed to gyrate around until climax. So they just kinda put it in for a while, take it out and then go to sleep. Several confounding trips to the clinic later, they finally discover why they haven't concieved a child...the sex got a lot better after that, but boy did they feel silly. And then Jeimos was born, and they never had time for sex again. :') Ah, parenthood under capitalism.

Darshaan and Karenza: I think they hooked up well before marriage, probably during their journey across the desert as they fled from Alqamah. I can imagine them taking cover in a cave after dark and getting extra cozy in the tiny space. It's a loving encounter and they are sweet and gentle with eachother...then right before climax, Darshaan notices a scorpion on the wall right in front of his face. He screams like a little girl, wraps his arms around Karenza and rolls them out of the cave like a sweaty, naked tumbleweed. They both get sand lodged in unfortunate places. Karenza never lets him forget that moment as for long as they were together.

Riona and Nemeto: Supposedly Nemeto sailed to Umory-Ond in search of old ships to repair and sell, where he met Riona and fell in love with her. Riona chose to sail away with him back to Matuzu Kingdom. I like to think she jumped his bones right there on the boat!

I'll skip Balthazaar and Skel's parents because we just don't have enough information about them. Same for Adel and Zeffer's mother. I'll skip Olandrah too, because her first time was unfortunately very disturbing and not fun to read about. No point in talking about the Tekeetian King and Queen either, because they were cecaelia and had no concept of sex.

I think Eindrid and Jorun waited until marriage as is customary for their culture. But as we learned in "The Stash", the people of Loreham have an unusual practice where the bride and groom get it on for the first time in front of the whole tribe! They do this because centaurs are big, cumbersome creatures who can actually injure eachother pretty bad during sex if they're not careful. Having the tribe there to cheer and backseat them during their first time is probably annoying as hell, but it prevents tragedies and gives the couple confidence. It also ensures that a child is conceived properly, provides witnesses to the consummation, and guarantees the celebration ends with a bang...pun intended.

Anyway, Jorun is Elska's mother, so you know she ended up mangling someone or something by the end of it. I'm just saying, Eindrid always had a little extra bend in his ween from that day forward...

*

Questions/Comments?

Lore Masterpost

Read the Series

[drchenquill]

OC in 15~

Thank you for the tag @the-letterbox-archives and @leitereads!

Rules: share 15 or less lines of dialogue from a character to showcase their personality!

This time i'll go with *drum rolls* Kiki! From "Him and Me - Bound By Fate". Enjoy~

"Are you Mr. Martens? Nice to meet you, I'm Kiki. I'll drive you everywhere. Well, not everywhere, just to school. You're an art teacher, aren't you? Maggie told me about you! This is your first time here, right? We'll have to explain a lot of things to you, because this little town is more complicated than it looks. Oops, I've probably said too much now. Get in, otherwise I'm going without you!"

"Don't piss your pants, Leon. They're just little kids."

"Not even an hour has passed and you're already calling me. Do you miss me that much?"

"Oh my God, I'm so glad you changed your mind after all, Leon. You don't know how relieved I am. I'm sure it will be complicated at first, but me and Maggie will be there to help you. You'll be in good hands."

"With all due love, Leon, but you stink."

"Actually, technically speaking, he could also not be a murderer."

"It would be better if you cooperated, Leon. Otherwise you'll be condemned to live the rest of your life like this."

"You don't have to worry about that, dear Leon. Nothing will change. You will teach as usual and spend the day as you like, with the small catch of babysitting a grown man."

"I'm starting to get the feeling you want it to be him."

" How sweet of you to leave us alone with your Fera! He's tearing the house apart right now."

"Leon, you ass. You just dumped us."

~~~

Tagging @ghost-type-writer , @paeliae-occasionally , @theink-stainedfolk , @sableglass and open tag~

[cheapcheapfaker]

Thank god the majority of this site does not want children because from this post alone your knowledge of early childhood education is fucking abysmal. It stinks of the same kids in high school art who went uugggh i don’t WANT to draw the FRUIT AGAIN and now they’re still drawing the same 3/4 face how to draw manga style because the only way to be able to successfully break rules is to learn them, for one. And two, proper coloring like this is actually like. Incredibly important for children to learn how to do for hand-eye coordination, to make sure they’re developing normally (if a child continuously uses the ‘wrong’ colors they are probably not a future Picasso their ass may be COLOR BLIND you dumbasses) like. Good god. They can draw and color whatever way they’d like at home. But at school?? At school??? The institution for learning??? Why are all of you so stupid. I wish you paid attention in classes instead of drawing an eye.

[palettepainter]

Weirdos in love

I’ve got Lew Zealand x Crazy Harry brainrot so have some small headcannons while I’m cutting stencils at work:

-Harry sleeps unnaturally still…to the point sometimes people panic and assume he might be dead. It doesn’t help that Harry naturally has a very pale completion which often has people mistaking him for being unwell when they first meet him. Harry is also not apposed to collapsing asleep at a desk or table. When Lew catches Harry asleep and unmoving he’ll place a written note by his head saying “Not dead, sleeping”

-Lew Zealand is trans I don’t make the rules guys 

-Harry loves taking apart random appliances to tinker with them and see how they work. More then once Lew has returned him to find Harry taking apart the toaster 

-They live in a small house together near a lake where Lew likes to go fishing. The house has an old basement Harry hides in to do all his explosive related work, while Lew practises his boomerang skills in the garden 

-Lew likes to go fishing, it’s a hobby he picked up in his teens but his family have always had a knack for fishing. He’s always been a more catch and release type of person though, he’s fine with eating fish based dishes but he doesn’t have the guts to kill a fish himself 

-Lew loves swimming and he used to compete in competitions at his school. He is very aerodynamic in the water and basically considers it a second home with how comfortable he is in the water. Harry on the other hand cannot swim to save his life, he never learnt, ontop of hating how cold water feels on his skin and the feeling of weightless ness Harry avoids large bodies of water at all times 

-Harry and Lew aren’t as smart as Bunsen and Beaker, but they’re not as oblivious as most people think. Lew has always loved and been passionate about sea life, he has a fondness for tropical fish and other species that often look peculiar or silly, like puffer fish.

Harry is also smart. He was the smartest kid in his science class and left with high grades…But he also knows a lot of bizarre weird facts no normal person would think about: like how to make a pipe bomb out of an air fryer, or how quickly acid can burn through metal, or how to pick locks without leaving evidence, how to hot wire a car, how to escape a country in a day (I’m not saying Harry has a past of criminal offences and may have gotten in trouble with police and has a past wrapped in mystery but I am saying it’s a possibility) 

-Harry loves knitted cardigans and sweaters, though he leans more towards cardigans. Maybe he could have grown up somewhere cold and far away from any big city? Hence why he can sometimes be a bit out of the loop with social ques and norms. All of his cardigans are well kept, but they all stink of smoke 

-Lew can’t cook to save his life and Harry only knows how to use a microwave and air fryer, so they often don’t eat the most healthy foods. Mac and Cheese is Harry’s favourite while Lew isn’t fussy and tends to eat whatever Harry does. Chef - as a culinary master - is personally offended at their poor diets and on more then one occasion has cooked meals for them (Lew and Harry are very enthusiastic about Chef’s meals, but his irritation about their poor eating habits fly right over their heads)

-They adopted, aka Harry found and brought home, sphynx cat named Newton. They thought they where a boy but it was only after they’d had the cat for a month did they realise it was a girl. Newton is Lew’s and Harry’s adopted hairless baby and they love love LOVE her. Harry in particular is very fond of their little wrinkly four legged child. If it wasn’t for Lew Harry would have adopted a whole army of hairless cats (he knits Newton sweaters in his free time)

-Harry has a bizarre ability of just…appearing out of no where. You’ll walk round a corner and Harry will unexpectedly be there, unblinking, staring at you 

-Lew and Harry are close with the band, and Harry in particular is good friends with Animal - mostly because the two balance out each other’s craziness. Newton also loves Animal and likes to curl up on his drum stool or lick at his mess of hair. The other band members are sometimes caught off guard by Harry and his ability to appear out of no where, except for Floyd 

-Lew is a big summer guy, while Harry hates the heat. Lew is all about summer fun! Swimming in the sea, sandcastles, ice cream, volley ball on the beach, fishing, kayaking, the whole show! Meanwhile, Harry is huddled under an umbrella at the far end of the beach the furthest away from the sea 

-Harry is the best person for scary stories because he doesn’t hold back, something which Lew learnt the hard way and paid the price for by not sleeping well for the next five days. 

-Lew and Camilla are surprisingly very close, they bond over the fact of them both having crazy, bizarre husbands who they adore dearly. Camilla sometimes asks Lew to “eggsit” for her when she and Gonzo go out for the evening. Harry doesn’t understand why they need to babysit…eggs of all things, but he knits Lew egg cozies for them 

-For some reason I can picture Lew as being Italian, or at least he has strong family ties in Italy 

[mrcowboydeanwinchester]

🔪 Revenge for Dummies 💋

jomeg fic - 10k - rating: T - high school AU - 2stab2fest - read on ao3

“You said it yourself that being lesbian has novelty value! So it is a popularity move!” Meg shrieks. With blood smeared across her face and eyes wild with the power of standing on a table in two inch heels, she looks demonic. She looks incredible, Jo thinks. She looks like royalty. “We are being QUEERBAITED."

Jo is the queen bee of Midwest High, all until Meg steals the throne by claiming Jo is queerbaiting the school. What follows is the epic tale of Jo’s homoerotic revenge mission. It’s about girlhood and popularity and lesbianism and being a batshit insane 16 year old—with a knife!

written for the brilliantly run 2stab2fest and accompanied by gorgeous art from @keikakudom !!

chapter 1 of 5 below cut!

High School 101

Though it might’ve come as a shock to her 10 year old self, at 16, Jo Harvelle’s life is one long chick-flick moment. We’re talking resident queen bee of Midwest High with a side-dish of blonde bombshell best served hot. She rules alongside her best friend and loyal confidant Claire Novak, and their passionate alliance is founded on the fact they met in the opening weeks of middle school, when Claire found Jo reading Beginner’s Book to Blade Wielding in the quietest corner of the library and asked if she could read it with her.

It therefore may come as a surprise to some that Jo and Claire have ascended the ranks of social status with such ease and grace. Stabby lesbians with dearly departed daddys don’t often tend to work the runways of high school popularity, after all, but the facts of the matter fall like this: Jo has always been an outcast, but now she gets to be distant in the way royalty is and not in the way lepers are. Like, untouchable, but make it chic. 

The lesbian thing turns out to be pretty helpful too. Jo and Claire are known for their Biker Barbie lesbian swag, which, at Midwest High, provides the perfect intersection of gender. The boys are into their leather jackets, but Jo and Claire don’t want them back, and the girls crave their nonchalantly fashionable attitude, so Jo and Claire can bask in their heterosexually-awed stares. It’s a perfectly measured concoction of being the most beautiful girls in the whole school but not doing it for the guys. Jo and Claire simply aren’t like other girls, and so all the other girls want to be like them. 

So animal skin, pop-punk listening habits, and blonde hair. Paired with the incomprehensible fact they are two sapphic best friends who aren’t in love with each other, the whole school is pliant under their sweet and unbothered thumbs. Claire even had the incredible idea to glue Biker Barbie in pink rhinestones to the backs of their matching leather jackets. They are an inseparable gang of two and they rule the school, stomping past lockers and lesser students in matching black leather jackets, ripped jeans, and gleaming Doc Martens.

And it’s a fucking difficult life.

That’s Jo, right there, the protagonist of our Riverdalian love story. 

Yeah, hi, it’s me. And let me tell you, the pressures of being the lesbian leader of hundreds of high school aged monstrosities are pretty near infinite. Firstly, I’m 16. I’ve never even kissed a girl, and somehow being one of the first kids in my grade to come out means I’m some dykey messiah. It’s a pretty impressionable age to be seen as a sexuality first and a person second. 

Secondly, everyone in this place is like, stinking rich. Yachts and lawyers and mansions abound and so nobody can ever know me and mom scrape by living above a literal bar. All the rich kids have aloof, only vaguely invested parents, so they can do what they want, but I’m cursed with a mom who loves me and so is ridiculously interested (read: controlling) in my life. It’s just a shame my dad makes up for this by not being interested enough, in that he is dead.

Finally, amid the other infinite reasons why maintaining my monarchal image is hellishly hard, I’m not obliviously iconic like Cher from Clueless. I’m not just some dumb box bleach blonde—I’m the girl who’s making ‘freak with the knife collection’ work for her. That’s a hard line to walk. It’s a fucking tightrope. And I’ve been walking it for years. 

On the topic of walking, another of our story’s featured cast is now strutting into view. We’re alongside Jo and Claire in the cafeteria at lunch, gazing down on the masses of normies from the heights of the exclusive Royal Banqueting Table. Popularity is performance, and so the Royal Banqueting Table is the only one in the cafeteria on a raised bit of floor. It’s a stage, essentially; it’s like sitting in the royal box or the back of the bus. 

And through the maze of tables, past the nerds and the basketball team and the theater kids—this is a high school, after all—Meg Masters and The Rubies are winding their way towards Jo and Claire. Jo’s hackles raise at the sight of them, and she points them out to Claire with a nudge and a roll of her eyes. 

Meg Masters is just like the other girls. She wears tight dresses and little tops and buys all-natural avocado shampoo which has the word ‘organic’ on the bottle but which her daddy flies in from Hawaii. She is rich rich, with the kind of house so big her parents keep their sailing boat in the front garden. But with the hordes of hell hounds baying for blood at the grand entrance of the passcode protected gates, it’s not like anyone at Midwest High has ever gotten the chance to really see it. 

Well, anyone at Midwest High apart from Jo. 

Because Jo and Meg had been best friends once upon a time, back in kindergarten and elementary school, in that squishy age where time isn’t real but friends are. They had been everything to each other, vowing solemnly at sleepovers never to lose the friendship which was blossoming so pure between them. 

It wasn’t pure, Meg dropped me the second she got the chance to. The instant we reached high school, the ties were cut. 

Jo doesn’t remember exactly how their friendship ended, she just knows it hurt her more than anything else ever has.

Shut up, I remember it. Meg was a bitch. I guess some girls are just built different: she went out shopping with her flaky new rich friends, and me and Claire built a small empire.

It is perhaps pertinent to mention here that while Jo is a very self-aware lesbian, she hasn’t quite mastered the art of feminism yet. She is only 16, after all. 

Meg has equipped herself with new friends since the disintegration of her friendship with Jo, and these new friends take the form of The Rubies. If Meg keeps hell hounds at home, The Rubies are the demonic little chihuahuas who cling to her heels at school. Ruby 1 and Ruby 2 are essentially indifferentiable apart from the fact that Ruby 1 is blonde, with mean little bangs, and Ruby 2 is a pissy brunette. Underneath the skin they are both the same: shallow, devilish girls who delight in igniting chaos and looking good while doing it. So while the words Meg and The Rubies sound like a spunky indie girl band, the reality is that they are beautiful, invulnerably rich teens who love nothing better than making everyone else’s life hell. 

“Meg and The Rubies at 12 o’clock,” Claire announces to the table.

The royal court of Bela Talbot, Rowena MacLeod, and Billie (nobody knows their last name, in the same way nobody knows Adele’s or Madonna’s—you simply don’t need to) chorus a sympathetic sigh. They are staples of the Royal Banquet Table, being more loyal to the power of The Table than to the current monarchy itself, and so Jo and Claire tolerate them. Rowena’s basically a witch, and Bela’s English, and Jo is pretty sure Billie could strangle her with their bare hands and she’d say thank you, so. It’s not like they’re unattractive company.

Besides, there’s another member of the table Jo is more concerned with.

Dean Winchester leans over to Jo, and in a rarely captured example of sensible advice, says, “ignore them, Jo, they’re not worth your time.”

Dean Winchester is different to Bela, Rowena, and Billie. He makes Jo’s very lesbian brain come to an unwilling and baffling stop. She looks into his dewy green eyes and she hears white noise. He’s a senior, and he exclusively wears his dad’s too-big leather jacket because he thinks it makes him look cool (it kinda does) and Jo would die before admitting that sometimes it feels like no one else’s opinion of her in the whole world matters apart from his. 

Hey, fuck off! My feelings about Dean Winchester are perfectly normal.

“Yeah, you too,” Jo replies to Dean. And conversation is a subjective artform, but that is not the correct response to Dean’s previous statement. 

Dean smiles at Jo anyway, like she’s somehow fun to be around, and she’s glad that if being the Teen Queen of the school gets her anything, it’s this. Dean hangs out with them some days, when he feels like it. Mostly he hangs out in the school’s garage working on cars, and more recently he’s been spending time in the gardens with the new transfer student Clarence. 

My gaydar senses something is up there, by the way.

Jo is at least right about that. 

Noice.

But as much as Jo tries to take Dean’s surprisingly sensible advice to ignore Meg and The Rubies, this is proves a lot more difficult than expected when Meg stalks over to the Royal Banqueting Table, steps up on the bench and onto the table itself, and lands the heels of her two inch stilettos right into the bread of Jo’s sandwich.

Jo peers up past the ankle—plump and solid—up the shin—shaved smooth and speckled strawberry—to the thigh—soft and fleshy—and then almost but not quite up her teeny tiny silky skirt.

“The fuck are you doing? Get your weirdly impractical shoes out of my sandwich stat, Masters,” Jo growls. 

“Sorry, Josephine, no can do,” Meg says, her dainty lips curling maliciously around her words.

“You know that’s not my name.”

“Oh, is it not? That fact must have walked out of my brain the day you walked out of my life.”

Jo scoffs. “The day I walked out on you?”

“Okay, Meg, get off the table and stop making a scene,” Dean cuts in, trying to stench the flow of petty words before the drama dam bursts. He is unsuccessful.

Meg smiles. “Sorry, Deano. I have an announcement to make, and this table is my stage.” Her voice is rich as honey but dangerous as dart frog venom.

It is then that Jo sees the Gucci megaphone clutched in Meg’s perfectly manicured hands. 

This is so not groovy. 

“Hear ye, hear ye,” she begins before Claire can swipe the megaphone out of her hands and Dean can try and defuse the situation further. The Rubies are now standing either side of the Royal Banqueting Table like femme-fatale bouncers, effectively immobilizing the royal court. 

The whole cafeteria falls obediently silent. Somewhere among the fringe groups, a phone buzzes, and is quickly stifled.

“I know we’re all obsessed with Jo and Claire, our Biker Barbies. They’re the reigning queens of our little high school, right? And what do we love them for? Their cutesy little rhinestone jackets, their perfectly blonde hair? Their lesbian swag?” 

Jo and Claire exchange perturbed looks. Around the cafeteria, students are nodding affirmatively; if this is Meg trying to start a Les Mis style anti-monarchy rebellion, she’s gonna have to go a little more opera.

“But what if I told you that having matching Hobby-Lobby jackets isn’t the flex you think it is? What if I told you that they bleach their hair to make it that color?” 

An uneasy muttering sweeps across the hall, and Jo suddenly realizes: Meg is working up to something. 

What if she tells them about how I live above a creepy bar? What if she tells them about the dusty-ass van mom drives me halfway to school in? What if she tells them about how invested my mother is in my life and wellbeing and how weird it is that there’s only a twenty year age gap between us and that sometimes I feel more like I’m living in a documentary about troubled young women rather than a chick-flick movie?

“What if I told you that little Joey here isn’t a real lesbian?”

Jo almost spits out her water, the laugh comes out of her so hard. “What? Come on, jello-head, I’ve been averting my eyes from lingerie stores since I came out the womb.”

“Is that so, Harvelle?” Meg sings, and her eyes flash obsidian. “Because I have it on good authority that you, self-proclaimed cowgirl and lover of posse, have a crush on Dean Winchester.”

Suddenly everything about the situation is a lot less funny. The room erupts riotously, screeches of jeers and laughter echoing across the hall. Jo feels the blood rush to her face hard and fast, much like how she imagines an erection might feel if it was brought on by intense shame. Next to her, Dean’s minty eyes are wide and staring. She flinches away from him like his touch might corrupt her all-important lesbianism. 

“No, I don’t!” Jo cries. Her voice goes unheard over the chaos of the hall.

“Awh,” Meg sighs, pouting down patronizingly at where Jo is now shaking with rage in her seat,  “that’s exactly what someone with a massive crush on Dean Winchester would say.”

“You can’t just say she’s not a lesbian, only she can say that!” Claire screams indignantly. She scrambles up beside Meg before The Rubies can pull her down and wrestles the megaphone from her hands, giving her a solid elbow to the nose as she does so. Meg’s head ricochets back and her nose bursts, bloody in her hands. 

“Shut up!” Claire bellows into the megaphone. Her cry rebounds across the far wall of the cafeteria at such a volume several kids covered their ears, and the hall falls sheepishly silent a second time. A few whispers snake across the air, though, and Jo feels her kingdom slip a little further from her grasp. “Use your brains, boneheads. As if Jo would lie about being a lesbian. Where’s the fun in that? This butt-crazy bitch just wants what we have and you can’t let her lap it up.”

“You can’t call me a bitch, that’s misogynistic!” 

“You can’t call Jo straight, that’s homophobic!”

“You said it yourself that being lesbian has novelty value! So it is a popularity move!” Meg shrieks. With blood smeared across her face and eyes wild with the power of standing on a table in two inch heels, she looks demonic. She looks incredible, Jo thinks. She looks like royalty. “We are being QUEERBAITED.”

Oh, fuck. As much as I like to channel Taylor Swift, I don’t think I can come back from the Q word like she can.

And so that is the day that Jo and Claire lose the Teen Queen crown; that is the day the Biker Barbies’ heads feel the cold sharp cut of the guillotine. Meg and The Rubies are the new reigning monarchs of Midwest High. 

[patrik6090]

I live in the u.s

But I hate this school

Their school system sucks ass

I swear all their money goes to cheerleader outfits and school lunch alone with decorations all around the school

They make it seem like they have everything a parent would want their child to have.

They have after school events that showcase all the clubs and programs they have, but when a student tries to join those programs or clubs they suddenly don't have space or they don't know what you're taking about.

They also have this no fighting on campus rule that they do not enforce at all.

A kid in my class was getting bullied and an assistant principal told him not to fight back because he'll just get in trouble with them. They pay attention when your defending yourself but when you don't they ignore the problem.

That kid is dead now btw (§uicide)

Also they have this weird way of teaching, I you already know the material and/or you are really smart they will provide you with help if you need it and will praise you.

If you dont get the material as easy and your failing a single class, they will not even try to help you and will just fail you.

Meaning

Smart = helping hand by school

Not smart = you're on your own buddy

There are so many racist students here too

it's mostly black and Hispanics at this school, there's literally only 10% of white students

The principal is literally so rude and I don't like her

Same with teachers

Disabled students are treated well tho so that's good

Also This school, even though it looks relatively nice and clean, it.....stinks....it fucking stinks all the time

The smell of musty ass students and bathrooms,

Boys constantly going into the girls lockerooms claiming they're trans just to fuck with us

Girls leaving bloody pads on the bathroom sinks and alot of the bathrooms stay dirty

There's so much more I can't even

burn that place down

Commit arson

I am a legal professional

And I am telling you to commit arson

Burn that shit down

Let then start over

[best-jimmy-buffett-song]

List of submitted songs

I'll be closing submissions this weekend, so I figured I'd post the songs we've received so far, just so yall can comb through and see if there's any of your favorites we missed. If we have, get them submitted asap! These are in no particular order.

If anyone's curious, the song that's received the most submissions so far is Boat Drinks!

Submissions here:

Margaritaville

Come Monday

Fins

Volcano

Pirate looks at 40

Cheeseburger in Paradise

Why Don't we Get Drunk

Changes in Latitudes

Son of a son of a sailor

One particular harbor

Five o'clock somewhere

Ballad of Spider John

Take it back

When Salome Plays the Drums

Mr. Spaceman

My Head Hurt My Feet Stink and I Don't Love Jesus

reggabilly hill

Bama Breeze

death of an unpopular poet

Coast of Carolina

He went to Paris

Nautical Wheelers

Tin Cup Chalice

In the shelter

The Captain and the Kid

Havana Daydreamin'

Caribbean Amphibian

something so feminine about a mandolin

Wonder why we ever go home

lovely cruise

coast of marseilles

boat drinks

coconut telegraph

growing older but not up

The weather is here, i wish you were beautiful

stars fell on alabama

island

little miss magic

we are the people our parents

knees of my haert

the last mango in paris

jolly mon sing

pascagoula run

pencil thin mustache

fruitcakes

lone palm

six string music

love in the library

quietly making noise

frenchman for the night

vampires, mummies and the holy ghost

delaney talks to statues

apocalypso

barefoot children

only time will tell

jamaica mistaica

school boy heart

banana wind

overkill

desdemona's building a rocket ship

mental floss

cultural infidel

happily ever after

false echoes

beach house on the moon

permanent reminder of a temporary feeling

pacing the cage

flesh and bone

i will play for gumbo

semi-true stories

lucky stars

i dont know and i dont care

mademoiselle

savannah fare you well

someday i will

tonight i just ned my guitar

breathe in, breathe out, move on

bubbles up

Biloxi

i heard i was in town

changing channels

Gypsies in the Palace

The city

brown eyed girl

Knee deep

God's own drunk

Manana

livingston saturday night

Grapefruit Juicy Fruit

migration

Take another road

wings

Sailboat for sale

no plane on sunday

sail on sailor

i wish lunch could last forever

nobody from nowhere

first look

ragtop day

The Christian