#school is starting again and i've never been more suicidal in my life i think like wow

[chrisbangs]

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[starrclown]

I've see ALOT of LMK angst and I have nothing better to do (cause it's late at night) and I'm not working on my LMK apocalypse au right now sooo-

LMK ANGST HEADCANNONS

Triggerwarning for Violence, Blood, Suicidal thoughts, and other general upsetting topics.

(Feel free to leave yours below. Let's make these characters sad together!)

:D

Pigsy gets upset when people joke about Wukong being Mk's dad. It's insulting to him, the one that raises Mk since he was so little.

Wukong is someone that craves physically touch but also can't stand it. It stems from all the violence he's been apart of + the crown messed him up alot. He was SUPER uncomfortable with Mk touching him in the beginning. It has to be on his terms if you wanna touch him.

Macaque doesn't have a heart beat anymore.

Because of Macaque never coming back when Wukong needed him, Wukong had no trust that Macaque will come back if they have a argument. He assumes that Macaque is just gone and gets upset about it. Eventually Macaque comes back and realizes Wukong's upset but he doesn't bring it up cause he doesn't know how.

Redson doesn't really understand why his father doesn't seem to like him. He assumed that his dad would be overjoyed to see him again, not how he's acting now.

Mei had many breakdowns because of her grades and the pressure to be a spectacular student.

Pigsy got bullied alot in school for being a pig demon. It wasn't everyone, most people liked him, just a specific group of kids.

To add on to #7, Tang used to beat himself up over not being able to help Pigsy. He HATED seeing Pigsy getting bullied but he knew that if he tried to start a fight he would either get beat because he can't fight or get himself kicked out of school.

Mk gets nightmares of Wukong getting forced into the scroll. Sometimes he wonders what would of happened if Wukong never got out. He usually ends up crying.

The closest thing Sandy ever got to being violent is when one of his cats scared him and he accidently dropped Mo. He cried. Alot. (Mo was fine but he just hates his cats being hurt.)

Sandy still doesn't know Hunstman is dead. He just thinks that Huntsman was scared of him so he never came back. (Guess Hunstmans my favorite and he's dead and i hate it here god dammit.)

No one can say anything about Azure or Azure's death around Wukong because he will get upset. Macaque made a joke one time and Wukong lost his shit. He's still kinda shooken up about it.

Some of the baby monkies recognize Macaque as the one disguised as Wukong that ate the monkey and passed it around. Those monkies REFUSE to be around him. They get violent if they have to be around him.

Nezha wants to see Wukong, Redson, and the others more but his job is so demanding he barely gets to leave.

Wukong physically couldn't be around Tang for long periods of time when they first met. He got more comfortable with him over time but Tang reminded him to much of Tripitaka and he couldn't handle it.

Mei doesn't yell out of anger, like serious anger alot. When she finally yelled at Wukong because of the fire, all Wukong saw was Ao Lie screaming at him. (Stole that headcannon from a friend of mine. Thanks Ainnur you ruined my life.)

Mk brought up the fact that Wukong was willing to put the fire into himself and sacrifice himself, almost certainly killing himself in the process one time. Wukong kinda laughed and just said "Yeah, had to save the world bud. It's a shame Macaque messed up my plan, the world woulda been a little bit more peaceful if me AND Lady Bone Demon died." He wasn't even trying to admit suicidal feelings, he was just being honest. This scared the SHIT out of Mk because Wukong just admitted that he can and will kill himself if he feel he needs too.

Sandy often feels left out of the group and not as important but he doesn't wanna ruin everyone's fun so he stays quiet.

Bai he was ready to die when she was found by the Monkie Gang. She wasn't scared of death anymore.

Bai he was scared of Wukong when they first met face to face. Wukong apologized and explained himself. Over time she got a little more comfortable with him. She understands why he's apologizing but at that point she was so ready to die she didn't care who did it.

Redson wants to be around Sun Wukong again but he doesn't know how to start the relationship again. Same on Wukongs part but he's a bit more forward.

Macaque gets physical in fights fast. Partly cause his fights with Peng, Partly cause of his life before Wukong, Partly cause of Lady Bone Demon. If Macaque thinks a situation will get rough, he'll try to fight but if he thinks he'll lose he'll dip.

Princess Iron Fan unintentionally critiques Redsons's looks all the time. It messes with him alot so he's quite insecure.

Mei feels the need to always be upbeat and cheerful so Mk doesn't sink to far into depression. She can tell when he does this for her but she doesn't bring it up.

Pigsy's worst fear is that Mk won't come back home. The nightmares he's had of this is brutal.

I could make more but I'm sleeeeepppy. I'll make a part two one day though. Leave your own headcannons cause seeing other people break down these characters is so fun.

(How some people think Mk will be in season 5)

- ⭐️StarClown⭐️

[cherry-pop-elf]

Hello! So, I hope this request is okay to ask, if not, I'm so sorry!!! (Especially as it is a triggering topic) --- TW ‼️‼️ healing from SA

I was wondering about a fic with george where the reader (gender neutral but afab anatomy) has maybe been put through something in the past (left ambiguous), and essentially is just ready to try more intimate stuff with george, and is able to just fully enjoy themself with him? Like a healing sort of thing?

I know this request is kinda different. I've seen your other posts about sensitive topics and thought they were great, and I checked to see what you are/aren't okay with (I hope I didn't get it wrong, if I did, I'm very sorry!), so I thought I'd send this in. I just thought it'd be a healing read! BUT, I understand that it's still sensitive, so totally no worries if that's the case!

Also, I hope this isn't too specific???? I apologise if it is!!!!

I hope that you're having a lovely day ^^

((Sorry it took so long! It’s been finals season, and since it’s such a heavy topic I wanted to be in a good headspace to work on it. Ya know?))

As someone who suffers from self harming ((I have an issue where I just scratch myself and my arms get scratched like crazy. They are vertical, so no one thinks they are ‘real’ self harming scars 🙄)) so writing George on a topic like this would be very comforting to me as well. Thank you for being so brave in asking 🫂 I’m so proud of you for speaking! This will be lovely

Kissable

George Weasley X AFAB reader

Warnings: 18+, heavy talks about Self Harm and Suicidal Ideations, gentle sex, lots of fluff and kisses, body positivity, disabilities, Umbridge, Fred gets to live because we need to lighten this heavy topic, lots of gentleness, wizarding war typical angst, deafness, body dysmphroia, it’s gonna be heavy and descriptive but also there is plenty of comfort to balance. Not sugar coating comfort. Sugaring coating can be so annoying. Trust me. I know

Life sure was different, when the war finally ended. The stress of it all was off everyone’s shoulders. The world was finally able to move forward. Death wasn’t at the doorstep. Life was suppose to be happier, but you still felt like it wasn’t. That you were holding yourself back. That even the battle of Hogwarts didn’t shake you back to reality. You felt bad, and George noticed.

“S’matter, jellybean?” He asked you, as he leaned himself against the railing. Having seen you space out again. Happened alot, but he noticed it more than ever now. As if he wanted to leave you to be stressed after all. This should be a happy time, but somehow it wasn’t.

“Just….Thinking.” You muttered, as you played with the end of your sleeves. You could hear him sigh, a deep one, as he watched. As if he knew something. Something you wish he didn’t. Seemed such a worry was made a reality, when you were both suddenly apparated into his office. A place for privacy, after all.

He’s been suspicious, but a constant wizarding war tends to take your mind off things. Along with busy with a school year, and starting up a business. Made any doubts get overrun with work, and stress, get covered. Not today, though. Not today.

“Love, we need to have a talk. A serious one, please.” That made your heart drop, as he would motion you to join him on the couch. You felt so terrified, as you were forced to sit next to him on it. Now having your hands held by his.

“You know I love you, and I want to take care of you. I love you so very much. We’ve been through so much together. You’ve been there for me, and I want to be there for you. You know that, right?” He asked, as you gave a sheepish nod. Wondering where this was going, but deep down knew he figured it out. He’s had it figured out for a while.

He’s not stupid, after all. You could only hide something like this for so long. Why you never turned on the light, how you used Umbridge as an excuse for anything that was accidentally seen. How you always wore long sleeves, even when going to bed. If you could hide your body, you did. But now? George could understand that pain, and he wasn’t having you suffer in silence anymore.

“Love, it’s ok. You know that, right? I’m not here to judge, or make fun of ya. Gonna be the last person to do that. I mean, look at me. Look at Billy boy. We know a thing or two about getting roughed up.” He tried to not directly say what he wanted to say, in a means to let you be the one to say it. To let YOU be in charge of it.

After the war, he just wasn’t the same. When Fred went in that coma, oh he was in utter hell. He was already recovering from his ear. Now he had to spend every day, wondering if his twin would live or die. How Umbridge caught wind of such a thing, and tried to pull something. Like trying to say Bill was qualified under the Werewolf laws. Oh life was hell, and he had to project somehow. Not the same as you, but to say there wasn’t a taste is an understatement.

“George, I really don’t want to talk about this-“ You tried to weasel out, but his grip on your hands only tightened. The sadness in his eyes left you frozen in place. He wanted to take care of you, and make sure you knew you were safe with him. Such a complicated mess it all was. Just made you feel worse, if anything.

“Love….Let me see you. Please. Let me see all of you. You see me, can I see you?” He tried, and your tears just welled up more. You couldn’t understand why he was doing this. Why he cared. Your brain just didn’t accept that people can love you. It’s hard to grasp.

“This is different-“ You tried. “Why is it different?” He rebutted. “It just is. It’s different when I do it-“ How the brain was complex, and a pain in the ass to have. Luckily, George knew a thing or two about them. You learn alot when running a joke shop. Kids come to you with so many problems. You learn things you don’t want to.

“I don’t want to force you, but I can’t have you suffer like this anymore. I’m not doing this to hurt you, Jellybean. You were there when I lost my ear. When I thought I was going to lose Fred. Umbridge, everything. Let me be there for you-“ He begged, as he forced your hand onto the side of his head.

Your palm would feel over the scars from the Potion Master Made Spell. How deep they were, and never seemed to properly heal. How familiar the texture was. The smoothness of cut flesh, as he no longer could hear. The lines that cut into his hair, cheek, and even face. It was nothing like what Bill suffered, but it hurt. Hurt no longer being identical.

With a shakey breath, you gave in. Ready to accept him screaming at you in disgust. To say all the mean things people have said to you before. Attention seeker, that you need to make them deeper already, that you look like a cutting board. Every insult, every mean remark. All of it. You accepted your fate, as you rolled up your sleeves.

The air was silent, but it wasn’t heavy. No, it was calm. Like the air was clear. For once, the weight was gone. You couldn’t understand why there was such a feeling of peace. Why wasn’t he looking at you with disgust? With hate? Why was he smiling?

“Hm, kinda remind me of Charlie. He’s got ink like crazy, same for Bill. You’ve seen them. Bills got these protection ruins, and Charlie has as many dragons as possible. You would look good with sleeves.” He smiled, as he gently held your wrist. Truly looking at them, and not flinching at all. He was looking at you. And wanting to make you feel like there was a chance you didn’t have to hide. That you were the center of it all. Not the scars. Not even asking why you had them. He didn’t need to know. He just wanted to know if you knew he could keep you safe.

The fact he started to kiss them was what had you sob. He was kissing something you hated so much. He was accepting it as a part of you. This was just what was part of your life. Your struggles. Your fears. Your hate. He was accepting that, because he loved you. You were what he cared about. Not what people thought.

It was such a tender moment, as you were able to let yourself cry. Let yourself have that good, needed, cry. All the while George took care of you. Kissing your scars, and holding you close. Just wanting you to know you were safe with him. Not rushing you. You never rushed him when he bursted into tears, no matter how random it was. So, you deserved that attention all the same.

“George…You know how I said I wanted us to wait until we were married?” You asked him, as you wiped your eyes. He would brush them aside, as well, as he nodded to you. Keeping his eyes glued with yours, as he tried to show you his full attention.

“It was kinda a lie. I didn’t want you to see me….But I think I’m ready now. I think you can see me now.” You consented, as he smiled. Clearly proud of such a big step. His pride made you want to cry more. There was no shame, or doubt, in those big brown eyes. He didn’t see you as any less, as before the topic was broached. It was as if you simply dyed your hair. It’s still you, under it all.

“I’ve been waiting for this, and I was willing to wait for never even.” He chuckled, as he kissed your cheek. Another reminder he was there for you. Not for some end goal. There was no end goal, with love. There was a continue. A continue for as long as the hearts wanted.

With a gentle kiss to your lips, the two of you were side alonged back into your shared flat. Fred would be able to handle the shop just fine, after all. It’s near closing anyway. With how close those two were, you wouldn’t be surprised if he knew where George went. Even as far as why.

“I’ve always wanted to see you. So badly.” He sighed, as he kissed you again. Gentle, and sweet. Not this heated passion in the books or movies. Just tender, and making sure you were taken care of. In every sense of the word. This was love, not sex.

Just gentle kisses, shared between you two, as he helps remove your clothes. Allowing more and more of you to be seen on the surface. Every cut, bruise, stretch mark, imperfection, whatever you had. He was able to finally see it all, and wouldn’t stop kissing each little dot on your skin.

It was so scary. Scary to allow him. He was so proud of you to allow him. To allow him to witness you whole. He was so damn proud. Couldn’t stop his kisses all over your skin. Along with a few little playful ones, like right on your nose. Just wanting to make you smile. Know that you were safe. No matter how vulnerable you were. You allowed him to feel safe, when he lost so much. It’s a crime to not return the favor.

Open mouth kisses would trail over your body, as he helped you lay down on the bed. Slow, sweet, and savoring it. Understanding just how important it all was. No need to rush. No need to treat it as a one and done. This a moment to share, between two people who loved each other. So very very very much.

“You really are beautiful. I know I know. I can say it all I want, but I mean it-!” He whined at the end, making you smile. Ever playful, no matter the mood. Was very soothing. Made any heavy topic easier to deal with. He just made life easier, and his smile could sooth any coals under your feet.

There was one more little kiss to your nose, before he finally allowed himself to strip. His own body full of scars from so many things. War, failed experiments, Umbridge, death eaters, blood purest’s, friends turned enemies, the list goes on. Those scars felt different to you. He didn’t ask for them, yet wasn’t ashamed of them either. The mind can truly be so warped, but George was always one to be fascinated by the world. Willing to dive into that hellscape you call a brain, because you are in there after all.

“You are so beautiful.” He just kept on saying, before his naked body was pressed against yours. Playful little kisses were pressed all over your face, as your skin felt his. Felt his scars on yours, yours were felt on his. Just pure skin contact, as he was holding you close. Loving every little part of you. If it was you, he loved it. Scars and all.

“I’m ready when you are. And if ready is never, eh. Who gives a shit?” He would place another kiss to your nose, before your hands were around his neck. You were trying to mentally psych yourself up, and he was more than happy to wait. Happy to just admire you. Big ole Brown eyes, and a freckled smile.

“Yeah. I’m ready.” You nodded, as he gave you another kiss. One arm was used to prop himself up, as the other found your slit. Just being very gentle, and stroking it. Not yet intruding, but just taking it nice and slow. He was no virgin, after all. But you were, and he was going to treat you right.

Slow, steady, and calculated. A man who was that of an inventor. He knew how to move his fingers. Gentle over your slit, almost ghosting it even. Made you crave more, in such a simple gesture. Those rough fingers on such a sensitive part of your body. All exposed to him.

A kiss to your neck was given, as he finally slipped them in. Had you shiver, but he kept planting kisses on you. Easing you into such a feeling you were growing costumed to. How you always loved his big and rough hands. Always brought you comfort. Now they were bringing you pleasure.

“You already feel so wonderful. Bloody amazing.” He whispered, as he would kiss along your jaw. Just two fingers pushing in and out of you. His thumb even working at your clit, and it had you whimper a bit. Such new stimuli, but he was keeping it slow and gentle. Easing you into it.

“Don’t be shy. I can only hear so much, have mercy on me.” He teases, as it helped bring you back to earth. That this isn’t just sex. You were making love with someone you love. Made you smile, as he kissed the corner of your mouth. Drinking in the soft little breaths you left for him, before he snuck a third finger in.

“Oh you are going to feel so bloody good. I just know it. I can hardly wait any longer.” He moaned for you, as he was picking up his speed. That earned him more sounds from you, as your walls were coating his fingers. Showing you were enjoying yourself, when your voice was lost.

“Are you ready, or was this enough for one day?” More reassurance. That even now, when he’s so close to getting his turn at pleasure, he wanted you to know it didn’t matter. You matter. Almost made you cry.

“I’m ready, Georgie. I mean it. For once, I’m ready.” You would cup his face, and admired him. Those warm eyes, that imperfect unsymmetrical face. Those freckles, those scars, and that beautiful toothy smile. That’s your man, and he was all yours. Never thought you deserved such a wonderful man in your life. In this moment though? You finally accepted it. Even if it was temporary, you were able to fight your brain long enough to say you deserved this man. Seemed George could even see it in your eyes, as he pulled you into a deep kiss.

The tip of his cock felt so hot. As if he was just twitching in need. Had you feel so beautiful. Beautiful to know he was that excited to be with you. Hard to fake a feeling like that, after all. That feeling of a throbbing cock. Just hungry to finally feel you. Feeling you, he did. Finally slipping inside, as you pulled him closer. Moaning into his mouth, as the gesture is returned.

You swore he might be feeling more pleasure from it than yourself. There was a morbid comfort in that. Knowing your body could do such a thing. Ever after so much, it could still do good. Made your body relax, and had you enjoy the ride all the better.

The feeling of his hips meeting yours, and how he rolled them. Feeling those hip bones against your soft flesh. It just itched a scratch you didn’t know you had. Feeling this slender man above you, with his arms tense. Those muscles showing themselves off to you. Freckled and scared. So beautiful to you.

The moans he gave you had you drunk. They sounded so good. You swore you could get off from them alone. The feeling of him moaning into your mouth, as he kept rolling his hips into yours. Fingers tangled together, as you both just enjoyed each other. No need for words. Just embracing what your bodies wanted. The feeling of connection, and love.

It was like a beautiful dream. Nothing else mattered, in that moment. Just the two of you. Making love, and enjoying each other’s company. To feel the air grow heated, and sweat build between you both. How those easy rolls grew in speed, and had you both gasping each other’s names. Fingers holding on tighter to each other, as if afraid to melt into nothing.

“You feel so good-“ He spoke so breathlessly, as he would keep thrusting into you. All the while you moan openly for him. Your hands were trapped under his own, and you would give him squeezes of delight into those callused fingers. Allowing yourself to be louder. A mixture of allowing yourself to enjoy it, and a need to make sure he could hear how much you were indeed enjoying it. It’s the least you can do. Small acts go a long way, and you witnessed such first hand tonight.

“I don’t think I’m going to last much longer-“ He admits, sounding so embarrassed. It was cute. He was always so cute. Had you smile, and he smiled back. Your smile seemed to comfort his blushing cheeks, as you two returned another kiss. A kiss, as his hips begun to thrust in an uneven pattern. Had you whimper for him, as he kept true to his word. He didn’t last any longer, and he was soon moaning your name into your mouth. Tangling it in your tongue, and his.

The heat inside felt so satisfying. To let yourself ride a high, and have it be with him. How your legs couldn’t stop themselves, and wrapped around him. Needing to have him as close as your bodies could allow it. As if needing to become one. It was truly like being a fire work. A burst of pleasure, and sounds. It all felt so good, and it truly did feel like it filled a void in your heart that you didn’t know you had.

Coming down from the high was treated slowly. The both of you savoring it. With him holding you, as he stayed where he was. His head snuggled into your neck, as you played with his hair. Your turn in giving him the gentle comfort. Allowing him to use his working ear to enjoy your breathing, and heart. No need to worry about words. Just gentle affection. Embracing each other, and enjoying a moment of existing.

“Worth the wait-?” You asked, as you two were finally in a more clear headspace. He took a moment to think, as he pulled out you. Had you whine, as you liked the feeling. That made him chuckle, as he was soon pulling a blanket over you both.

“Yes. Very much worth the wait.” He would reassure you, as he was now your big spoon. Making sure you felt safe, in yet another vulnerable moment. His legs tangled with yours, as he wrapped his arms around you. Giving you a hug, as he pressed his face in your neck. Enjoying your scent.

Tears slipped down your cheeks, but not out of sadness anymore. But pure relief. You will still have your dark days, but you had a bundle of sunshine to stay there. Stay, and wait, for when you could speak again. He wouldn’t leave you behind when things got rough. He was making sure of that. Not even processing how much this simple act of spoon was bringing such joy. He existed, and it made you existing easier.

“Love you, Georgie.” You said, as you stole a hand to kiss. His own lips returned the gesture, as they were right on your cheek. “Love you more, Jellybean.” He yawned.

That comfort of another body, it was just what you needed. For once, in a long time, you weren’t scared to fall asleep. You were happy to sleep. To get rest, even excited to wake up again. Because you knew one thing, and one thing that changed everything.

He would be there when you woke up, and that was what mattered. He would be there, every time you woke up, and sometimes that’s all it takes to make you wake up.

Your sunshine, always there when the rain clouds came. Always there, and will never leave.

[artist-issues]

You're my new favorite blog! You have no idea how I wish I could peck inside your brain like a chicken. 😭😂😂 I am a Catholic and a recovering agnostic. I struggle with letting go of my old way of life and philosophy constantly, I have been struggling with it since the day I decided to revert - that was back in 2017. (I think you would like to know my journey back to the Faith started after watching HBO's The Young Pope! 👌🏼) At this point I don't know if I'll ever be the person the Lord wants me to be, oh well, I'll die trying and I know that will mean something.

I just know I can't go back to being a non-believer, because as Carl Young said, now I don't just believe, I know. The irony is my struggle to believe in something I know to be objectively the Truth.

I have a question for you though, actually I hope for some advice from you. How do I reconcile with the reality that I haven't become who I dreamed to become (like career wise), but now that a new career has been shoved upon me (a career my parents wanted for me - and they valued safety and stability over "following my dreams" I suppose)? ...which isn't necessarily a bad thing, because it is an extremely noble profession and it pays quite well.

The thing is, as much as I try to accept my new career, I keep telling myself and to others that I'm doing this for my parents and not because I want to be here. I feel terrible about it. But, again, it's not like I am unfulfilled (I am unhappy though, but that comes with the work culture/environment, I feel like I am surrounded by 40+ year old teenagers); as a matter of fact, I do think I know - objectively - in my heart that this is exactly where the Lord wants me to be? But I keep fighting against it, keep struggling against this sense of vocational calling that I'm feeling towards my new job, instead I desperately wanna give into my want to go "live the life I want." Like throw this all away, get new training and start all over with the career I wanted all those years ago.

I want to be better, to be sacrificial like Christ on the Cross. I've always known I had a little depression (comes with my disability from a young age and this whole dream thing); I have been suicidal over this, I actually used to joke with myself that I'd kill myself if I don't achieve my professional goals by the time I turned 25. I will turn 30 this September and even though I haven't been literally dead, I feel like I've been in a vegetative state - mentally - ever since the day I turned 25. I hope that makes sense.

I started seeing a therapist 2 weeks ago since my mental health started affecting my new job - she did say I have depression and is trying to help me but I just don't know if I want to be helped at all, because I am unable to do the exercises she tells me (like create a routine, exercise well, write down good thoughts, etc.) I feel like I'm failing myself, my parents and, most importantly, my Heavenly Father.

I apologise if this is nonsensical, I apologise for dumping all of this on you - random stranger on the internet - but idk I felt like maybe you'd have something wise to tell me to knock some sense into me (without a bump to prove it hehe).

Thank you and God bless! 🥰

You’re very kind, and I’m glad you feel comfortable enough to share all this with me! I really never have anything good of my own to say, or any wisdom to offer, except what I “steal” from God…and I guess what I mean is, if I ever say anything helpful or good or true, I’m just the messenger. I didn’t come up with it. On my own I have zero wisdom or good things to offer.

Anyway, I was surprised reading this because I have gone through (been going through) a similar sort of mindset. I went to school for the career I dreamed about (still dream about) and I worked hard and I wanted it more than anybody around me (very Mike Wasowski in MU of me) and it hasn’t happened the way I planned, or in my timetable.

I mean, in all humility: I work with a studio making a tv show, but it hasn’t got off the ground yet, and I work for a company that writes movie reviews, but neither of those things pay my bills. I have a third job, working with therapists, that’s nothing like what I always wanted to do. That’s my “career,” but it’s not the career I’m passionate about and working toward. And I wonder if I’ll ever do anything “major” in the line of work I love and went to school for. And when I do, I have gotten into some really dark mental places.

Forgive me for not using the words “depression” or “suicidal.” I hate using those words because they’re overused and romanticized and flooding the culture. But more importantly I hate using them because the only thing I identify with is Christ, not any mental struggle I try to slither back into, like a snake trying to put back on old skin. I’m not my overthinking—I’m not my depression—I’m not my suicidal thoughts or emotions—I am one with Christ. Those are things inside me that are defeated and dead—the teeth have been knocked out of them. They just gum me from time to time. So I want you to know I empathize with you, but that’s my point and that’s how I want to answer you:

The only thing about you that really matters is Christ.

Who He says you are, what He has done and how He lived, which is applied to you because He said it is, by grace alone, through faith alone. No matter how you feel.

And I say that to you, as the answer, because I think you and I focus too much on what could be and what “should be” as if God has a set path for us, and if we don’t figure out what it is and walk it, we’ll have a less-fulfilling life. “If I stay at my therapy job and just work with teenagers and write on my blog for the rest of my life, I’ll be fine, but I won’t be as good as I could be.” Or for you. “If I stay in this career I’m in, the one my parents backed me into, I’ll make it, I’ll be fine, but I’ll never be as happy as I want to be.” We’re both thinking, every once in a while, “This is career is what God wants for me, and all my misery is coming from not submitting to it, and if I could just wrestle my contentment into place and give up the thing I want, and submit to what God wants, I’d be fulfilled.”

But how do we know any of those thoughts are true? How do we know God wants us in these boring old careers we wouldn’t have chosen—didn’t choose? Or, how do we know these boring old careers are what we’re stuck in because we didn’t take the plunge and work harder for our “dreams,” which were what He really wanted us to do? How do we know either of those things?

We don’t. We don’t get to know. That’s the point.

Because that’s not how God works. Not from what I can tell in the Bible.

“And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.”. Colossians 3:17.

Whatever you do. Not “the one specific thing you figure out He wants you to do.”

My mom described it to me once when I was in a really dark place trying to figure out what He wanted me to do, paralyzed with indecision, afraid He wanted me to do something I just didn’t want to do, like this: “God doesn’t hold out one flower and say, ‘this is the one I want you to have, so you can either take it or take something worse.’ God makes a field of flowers, and He says, ‘Which one do you want? Pick one, and do it with excellence for Me.’ Then just trust Him to make it good.”

It sounds like you’re in a career, but you are wrestling with whether or not to pick it, now that you have some autonomy as an adult, or to pick starting over. Well. Pick one. Just pick one. And trust God to take care of you. Trusting God looks like thinking it through with excellence, then making the decision—and making the decision means letting go of worrying about the thing you didn’t pick. “Take every thought captive in obedience to Christ.” Once you make a choice, make it all the way, and don’t let your mind wander anymore to “what if this blows up in my face? What if I should’ve stayed back there at the crossroads, or gone down the other path?” It’s going to be hard and God is going to take care of you, no matter what you pick. So don’t let your mind go to those places where you worry; acknowledge the worry, and every time, ask God to help you remember that He’s got you.

Because here’s the point, here’s the thing: He does have you. Because ultimately, your career really doesn’t matter. It doesn’t, it doesn’t, it doesn’t. Neither does your dream. Not ultimately. And now I’ll say “our” because I need to hear it too. Our dreams and careers are not the point of us, and our dreams and careers are not what God means when He says “I’ll take care of you.”

What He means is, “I’ve already taken care of you.” Because the most important thing isn’t our job or our dream. The most important thing is, we’ve been rescued out of eternally being trapped in our broken desires, and now we get to live for Christ, Who is the Way, the Truth, and the Life. That’s the major. And that truth is where our fulfillment is supposed to come from, what our lives are meant for, our purpose. As long as we pick one, and do it with excellence to make the name of Jesus famous, with that goal in mind, we’ll be emotionally fulfilled. We’ll be satisfied. Because that’s the goal. Not making movies, or whatever it is you want to do. Not having secure means of living. Just…living our lives to make who Jesus is famous. We can do that wherever.

So then the choice? It becomes a minor, not a major, and the pressure of “will I be happy?” is off, because happiness isn’t found in that stuff. And whenever I forget, and start looking for happiness in my dreams, goals, career, that’s when it all starts to feel dark and stressful and hard and crushing. Because it was never meant to give me happiness or fulfillment—that’s a need only Christ can fulfill.

Don’t misunderstand me. He cares what you do. He cared about every decision you make, and He does have a plan. But that’s going to happen anyway. So just pray, consider which option is a) wise to go for and takes care of the responsibilities God has entrusted you with, b) which option you genuinely want, when your wants are not influenced by fears, and then c) step out and do it in faith. And do it with the mindset of, “I’m doing this, and I’m not thinking about the alternative if I can help it, and I’m also not putting all my happiness-eggs in this basket, because even if it crashes and burns, hey, I’m still one with Christ and I can still make Him famous no matter what road my career goes down.”

I hope this helps. It’s a subject I’m hamster-wheeling around in my mind right now a lot—but when I just fix my eyes on Christ and think about how the most important things, the things that give real joy and happiness, are already and forever taken care of and I can’t mess them up—then can get off the hamster wheel and enjoy the life He’s given me, right now, today, without worrying about the future.

[miss-celestial-being]

Drift Away

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request | masterlist

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𝑝𝑎𝑖𝑟𝑖𝑛𝑔: eddie munson x fem/gn!reader

𝑠𝑦𝑛𝑜𝑝𝑠𝑖𝑠: a stranger dms you about the love of your life

𝑐𝑜𝑛𝑡𝑒𝑛𝑡 𝑤𝑎𝑟𝑛𝑖𝑛𝑔𝑠: mentions of suicide, heavy mentions of death, mentions of cutting, depressed!eddie, reader thinks its their fault

𝑤𝑜𝑟𝑑 𝑐𝑜𝑢𝑛𝑡: 919 (basically a blurb)

𝑎𝑢𝑡ℎ𝑜𝑟’𝑠 𝑛𝑜𝑡𝑒𝑠: please please please read the warnings. based on this instagram reel.

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Laughter rings throughout the house. Love fills your heart as you watch your little girls play with their dolls--likely plotting the end of the world together. You take a sip from your mug as your phone lights up.

Instagram Notification

You hold up your phone in front of your face to unlock it, frowning at the direct message request.

hello are you y/n y/l/n that lives in the town hawkins?

You quickly send back a message.

Hello Could I ask why?

They reply within seconds.

do you know someone called eddie munson?

The name nearly makes your breath hitch.

Yes. He was an old friend of mine. I'm talking ages ago.

Not technically a lie, you think to yourself.

i found a mixtape made by him and i would like to share it with you

You look up at the girls and smile sadly, imagining what could've been as you type out your response.

That would be great!Eddie was my High School lover. I haven't heard that name in years!

i will send the mixtape now

The three dots pop up again, then fall, and then, after another several minutes, they send an audio message. You look again at those girls, who look so much like Eddie you'd think he was their father. You look down at the dimmed screen in your hand and only now realize how long you were staring dazedly at your daughters. You tap the screen before it goes completely dark and stand up, walk to the comfort of your bedroom, and close the door.

You take a deep breath to calm yourself, putting in your earbuds before you press play. You listen to the calming melody, so far from what you remember Eddie's music to sound like that you almost think the person who messaged you was pulling your leg. However, as the lyrics start, and you hear that gravelly voice of the man you never stopped loving, you feel a sense of gratitude to the stranger for letting you hear this after all these years.

"I think of you all the time, now that you're gone." He sings, and a lump begins to form in your throat, your vision suddenly going blurry. You think back to all the memories you made with the love of your life, think of the happy and the sad, the bitter and the sweet, and everything in between. With Eddie, there was no bad. not even during arguments.

"I've been doin' all kinds of drugs to get you out of my mind." a silent tear falls and you cover your mouth to hide in your sobs. You remember this. You remember all the pain he was going through, all while playing it off so you wouldn't see just how much he was hurting. You remember the final fight you had, the one that ended it all. You remember the way he cut you off from his life after you got mad at him for keeping it all bottled up. You know you shouldn't have, that you should've been more understanding, you know it then too, but you were fed up. You were done seeing him hurt, not only from the pains life put him through but from his own pocket knife and the substances he put in his body.

“'Cause I noticed you don't like me no more and it breaks my heart." You want to go back in time; to tell him he's wrong, that you love him with all your heart and just want to see him get better. But you know that you can't, that it's too late, that you'll never be able to hold him again.

"So I'll just drift away and disappear for a while." At that you finally fall to the floor, your body shaking in time with your cries of pain and grief. You can hear the door open and three sets of feet walking into the room. You can feel the large arms that hold you every night wrap around your wilting frame, the smaller ones cuddling into your sides. But none of this does anything to mend the shattered, trapped heart; none of this brings Eddie back.

An hour passes before you notice the mixtape stopped playing that beautiful, sad voice; before you notice the last message the stranger sent.

do you know how i could contact him? i thought i would share it with him as well

Your fingers tremble, tears filling your eyes again.

I'm sorry but Eddie passed away over a decade ago now. He struggled with his mental health severely.

You close your eyes the moment you press send, letting your phone slip from your hands as you let your tears flow. Eddie's smile flashes through your mind; his laugh plays in your ears; you can almost feel the long, messy curls that draped over his face; you can nearly smell the cologne that he only bothered to put on when you came over; you can taste the salty kisses you shared after you caught him in the bathroom with his knife.

You hate yourself every day for letting him shut you out. You want to scream at the world for taking him from you. You're mad at yourself for not being happy with your current life; for not loving your husband completely; for letting your heart belong to the ghost of your past that still haunts you inside. But most of all, you hate that this was all your fault.

[another-blog-about-miis]

Kyle's Goodbye Letter [TW SUICIDE]

[This is in the Wii Traps You AU]

Jonathan comes home from work, it's a sunny day on a Wednesday afternoon, Will is at his after school program, while Mike is working till 9pm. Kyle is usually the only one home before everyone else on those Wednesday afternoons.

"Kyle! I'm home!" Jonathan shouts as he opens the front door and hangs his coat.

He gets no response.

"That's odd, Kyle always responds, sometimes even comes to greet me. Ehh he could be taking a nap or he's listening to music." Jonathan thinks to himself.

He puts down his bag and walks towards the bedroom Kyle and Will share. He sees the door is closed like usual. Jonathan knock twice and waits for a response.

He gets no response.

"Kyle?" Jonathan asks.

He sighs when he yet again gets no response.

"I'm coming in!"

Jonathan opens the door and sees Kyle laying in front of him tv.

"Hey sleepyhe-" Jonathan freezes.

Jonathan's eyes widen, Kyle's wist are covers in cuts. Blood pouring out, staining the carpet Kyle lays on.

Jonathan rushes over and tries to shake Kyle wake. Kyle is cold to the touch.

"KYLE!? HONEY WAKE UP! PLEASE WAKE UP! Jonathan desperately pleads as tears start to run down his face.

"KYLE, PLEASE! Y-YOU HAVE WAKE U-UP!" Jonathan's pleads get more desperate.

Jonathan slowly stops, his breath is very shaky as his eyes look over Kyle. 

"Pale skin...c-cold to touch...bleeding...no heart beat...."

"N-No...p-please.." He chokes on his words.

Jonathan then sees something from the corner of his eyes

He find a paper on the floor that's stained with tears and blood...

Hello, if you're reading this. I'm guessing I finally did it, I finally got the courage to let myself be free from this shitty world. Or maybe you found this is my closet while snooping, Will >:(

If this is my dads, it was not your fault. There was nothing you could do to help me anymore. I love you two very much and I'm glad you two raised me, I'm sorry I turned out to be such a disappointment. I couldn't do anything right, I always got bad grades, I was a social reject. But somehow you guys always stayed by my side and loved me, I must of been so tiring to deal with and I'm so sorry you had to have me as your son. I wish I could've been something better, someone you could of been proud of but no, you got stuck with me! I know William will make you two proud and that you'll finally get a child that is worthy of your love.

If this is Will, I'm sorry we didn't get along so well during your first few months here. It was tough for me, but I know it was even harder for you. I do see you as my brother, even if we didn't grow up together. You are an amazing person in your own way, you've grown so much from since I first met you. You don't bully others anymore and you've grown more comfortable in your own skin. I know life has been so hard for you and I'm so proud of the progress you've made! Please make sure you know that Dad and Papa are proud of you, because they do love you very much, and please be there for them after I'm gone! And one last request and I'm sorry for this, but please don't let anything happen to the Wii! Sam cared about it so very much and since she's been gone I've made sure it's safe. I know it might seem like a silly request, but please do!

To anyone reading this. I'm leaving this god awful planet for everyone sake, I'm so useless and worthless I'm just a waste of space of a human being. I DON'T EVEN FEEL HUMAN MOST TIMES! I wasn't born a person I could be proud of! My own birth has caused pain to my dad! My poor mom who I never gotten to know died because of me! I feel so bad for causing my dad so much pain and hardship! For fucks sake we had to move because of me! BECAUSE I WAS BULLIED FOR BEING TRAUMATIZED AND FOR BEING TRANS. I just wish I could've been something. Something worth living. I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry I was born, I'm so sorry I'm so weak and ugly. I used to love being alive but now I can't fucking handle it! My girlfriend died and I can't handle the loss! I miss Sam so fucking much it hurts! The only things I have of hers is the Wii and the many photos of us on my phone. Last week I visited her mom just so I could stand in Sam's room. It felt so empty and that something took all the joy for it. Roxanne said she can't even go into her daughters room, that she can't handle it. All my memories of us together are now tainted with sadness and anger, ANGER THAT I COULDN'T SAVE HER! I know there was nothing I could do, but I just wish I could've. But instead I had to watch her get electrocuted and her hear screams, oh god her screams are engraved into my head, she sounded so scared and she sounded like she was in so much pain! I held her close after she got shocked and sobbed my eyes out. I held her so tight, I didn't want to let go, I held her until her mom came home and yanked her out of my arms and called 911. I can not get those memories out of my head.

I can't handle this anymore. I got my pocket knife and I'm gong to slit my wrists, I deserve this. There's nothing for me to live for anyways. So please, Dad, Papa, William or even Nathan if you somehow got a hold this letter, take care of yourself. I love you all very much.

I'm sorry, goodbye.

Jonathan stands there, unable to move for what feel like ages. Until his legs gives out and he falls to his knees, dropping the letter. His breath gets extremely shaky as a whimpering sounding sob escapes his mouth.

"M-My baby...No...WHY!?"

He covers his face with his hand as he begins to loudly sob.

The tv starts to flicker but Jonathan pays no mind to it for his sobs are too loud...

[I was gonna post this on Wattpad but I wanted to wait until I finished writing a certain fic so I'm posting it here]

[your--isgayrights]

Probably a bit silly and you’ve likely answered this before, but do you think you’re going to come back to “at the Very least, the Wall will change?” I’m just getting into ORV and I want to read some fanfic! I promise I am patient but I’m hesitant to start reading something that’s abandoned. I hope this doesn’t come off as disrespectful! I completely understand burnout (med student here hehe) and there’s no shame is shelving a project for a time if it no longer speaks to you. I just wanted to check

You're right that I've answered this before but like it's totally fair to ask me again after how long it's been lol. Bc like I think about this a lot too and thus the answer/feelings I have about it kind of changes?

Like my journey with this fic has kind of been tumultuous because I started it before I had access to ADHD medication and a lot of my life can be divided into the Before times and the like Now Times where my baseline happiness/standard of care of myself is vastly improved. I outlined all of wall fic before publishing the first chapter and then the scenes I wanted to include took up a lot more time to create than I initially thought they would and that like frustration was really harmful to like my sense of being a "writer," I guess?

Sorry, getting into this bc I'm trying to articulate my own feelings to myself, but I'll tldr; it at the end probably.

Like when I first started wall fic it had like a strangle hold on my imagination and was a way I was able to articulate feelings about things in life. Truth is, I'm someone who has called 911 for suicide/self-harm of friends/classmates like 4-5 times before turning 18. There is this feeling of helplessness I always had as a minor that the world was always ending around me but even when I was up till 5 am making sure my friend got to the hospital ok without any way of really knowing except waiting for a text back, I still had to just buck up and go to school the next day. The emotions I have towards these times in my life really latched onto omniscient reader, because the way it discusses suicidal ideation and what can help with it rang really true to me. I love KDJ a lot, part of that is, in my interactions with suicidal ideation, his sense of narrative inevitability really describes the emotions behind it well, the feeling of "this is the only Solution that will Actually work" is sewn into the fabric of the universe as "probability." And I've actually been thinking about that term "probability" a lot lately, and how it relates to ideas about Narratives. We're always estimating the likelihood of future events based on past experiences, calling things "realistic" or not. But the function of this system in my own life has often been to convince myself to 'give up' on certain things, conserve the energy it would take to try them. Sure that has helped me when Ive not had any free time/energy in crunch times or big projects, but when something is actually important, giving up feels like shit to be honest. Which is part of why I really love and kind of idealize this character of Yoo Joonghyuk, someone who 'never gives up.' To me KDJ and yjh in wall fic represent these two radical sides of a spectrum where someone becomes unhappy by giving up caring about everything and someone becomes unhappy by never giving up on anything. KDJ is then sort of this love letter to people who give up on themselves, people who could never imagine living past a certain age and yet somehow implausibly remain. YJH is a love letter to people who have been left behind and are So aware of their choices and their power over situations that they blame themselves for things that were actually out of their control in the first place. It's these two different ways of interacting with helplessness and grief and fear, giving up knowing you never could have made a difference in the first place or being convinced you could always have done Something and blaming yourself for failing, constantly stressing about what you could have done and what you ought to do the next time it happens.

Codifying these themes into Characters is originally this fun way of exploring emotions I have about them and sharing the experience of feeling them with others without having to tear too much of my self a part. I feel like when we're young it feels like a sense of self is something like a wall, an image of ourself that we have Built and must put in work to Maintain from erosion. This sense of self and protection makes us feel distinct from other people, the line we draw where we begin and end in the universe, and they become rules dictating How we will Act and Appear towards others. Drawing these walls and lines is pretty important to KDJ's perspective in wall fic, but i now realize I had sort of started doing to myself? Towards the middle of writing it?

Just because I've been on the Internet so long, I know the sort of "narratives" of being different "kinds of authors" online. Because of this, when I started posting wall fic, something that was of a lot of concern to me was how I appeared as an Author to people reading. I honestly think now that the performance of things I associated with like Being an Author were more sort of motivated by a fear of failure and disappointing others than anything else. It's kind of only been recently that I've realized that I have a choice to do things because I enjoy them instead of the fear of not doing them, which sounds a little crazy/obvious to be honest, but forcing myself to be an honor roll student for like more than a third of my adolescence while completely unmedicated kind of made that sort of intrinsic fear of disappointing others the ole'reliable of Task Motivation. Participating in ORV fandom has sort of been this emotional tight rope walk for me of like. Kind of really desperately desiring validation from others but also being afraid of receiving it bc of like the pressure it then puts on to Keep Doing the thing that Works and otherwise feeling like a Failure. But obviously like creative writing isn't going to have the same like Fear/Urgency factor as life stuff and it shouldn't feel that way, anyway, tbh. I'm kind of having to like. Re-invent the idea of writing being Fun and Relaxing for myself. And the idea that talking to other people on the internet (also like. People in general I still do this at uni even) does not actually have to have like any performative elements or factors of like? Disguise? Because like my sense of self doesn't actually have to be a wall I keep building and have to repatch whenever someone comes along with a pickaxe like my sense of self doesn't actually need a metaphor attached to it because it just is what it is lol. Like whatever I am RN is my "self" and that meaning would only suffer under the restraint of comparison, lol.

It's been easier to like feel normaler/better quicker in like my day to day stuff, but because a lot of the time I spent previously trying to write wall fic lies in that like that brain space where I felt afraid and stressed out etc I think I currently have like an aversion to sitting down with it out of like a fear of returning to that mindset. Because I'm like looking it in the face and such I do have like strategies of getting over it like doing warmups or taking time to make nice writing spaces and having a name to/strategies to access the creative part of my brain, but that stuff takes time and because it's a lot less likely I'll have writing on the brain than go through my every day life like the process of becoming normaler/feeling better goes a lot faster day to day than in my approach to writing.

Because in my brain the progress of wall fic is a sort of gentle curve I've been trying to shape the growth of upwards, I wouldn't say it's abandoned at all. But also like because the next "update" is not really guaranteed and I'm kind of hesitant to force myself to commit to a timeline for finishing/releasing it, I think it makes sense to like hesitate about starting it as a reader? In terms of a sense of completion, the chapters are organized in such a way that each one concerns a sort of complete Section of KDJ's life/relationships, tho. Like, Chapter 1 shows KDJ and YJH's first meeting as kids and establishes the "soulmate" setting. Chapter 2 shows the life KDJ carved himself to thereafter, how he and YJH's paths have diverged, established the stakes of KDJ's current "world" in a way parallel to the first few chapters of wos/orv. Chapter 3 focuses on how the soulmate worldview and KDJ + YJH's characters/past interact with the way they view children/the idea of "childhood/youth." Chapter 4 is meant to show how that worldview encounters adult life/ adult friendships/relationships, but the final part of it is something I'm still working on a bit. The structure is such that I tend to bring the end of the chapter back to a moment of peace/resolution/settling in the "new world" after the events of the chapter and then writing a one sentence cliff hanger about what the next chapter includes. So if you want to give some of it a read but don't want to be left feeling too incomplete, I'd read up till before the last sentence of Chapter 3, tho that's a bit silly, lol.

I will say again and have said before, I don't mind that much getting thoughtful comments/messages like yours at all. Thoughtful in the sense of like, desiring a response from me as a person, I suppose? Towards the start of writing online i really like needed the validation of little comments to feel good about myself/my work, but now I realize that the thing I like actually desire that ao3 comments aren't often a good format for is that I just like talking/discussing these things with other people. Sometimes comments will make me feel more like an unpaid customer service representative getting feedback or a student looking at a quick note on my report card. The kind I like most are messages where people want to ask me questions, argue with me about something, share something of their own interaction with the text that there's room for me to interact back with them as a person. The thing I hate most is feeling like I care too much about something/talk/think too much to the point that people are tired of hearing from me/form a bad opinion of me.

So like typing this all out has actually put myself in the brain space of remembering some of the things I like to write about and feel and how the current part of wall fic explores them. I'm kind of setting up my computer and such to start working on it like rn actually, hopefully the like feelings I'm having towards wall fic won't evaporate when i have to go to my class in 1/2 an hour or when i try to reread some of what I've written so far lol.

TLDR; Wall fic isn't abandoned or on hiatus or anything, but I am super slow about it lol. If you wanna give it a read I recommend stopping before the last sentence of Chapter 3 if you don't want any "cliff hangy" feelings. Questions like yours that ask me to interact with orv/wall fic/related themes do honestly help me start thinking about it again and I'll probably try to work on some of it tonight bc of you so thanks 👍

[rockbottomwithashovel]

Tw suicide

Hey guys. I'm just posting this to say why... And to say I'm sorry. I don't know what to say, I suck at goodbyes. I just don't think I can do this anymore. It's like the universe is giving me more reasons to die each day.

I never wanted it to be this way. I started to think I could actually recover, live a long and happy life. But that moment was so short. I just can't do it.

I haven't been able to be happy for more than a minute since I was 10. I was just a child, and I had already gone through so much. But it was only just starting.

When I was 7 or 8 I was sexually assaulted. It was around this time that I started to more or less live on pot noodles as I wasn't allowed to make anything, but my mum mentally couldn't either.

When I was 10-13 I was emotionally and mentally abused. I was bullied for years, they made me do things and if I didn't I'd be the one with the bruise. The guilt eats me every day. There are rooms and memories from that time and school that don't make sense and I can't remember. I don't know why. The bullying even came from teachers. This was a private Christian school.

From when I was 10 I had to spend most excursions at home as we nearly lost the house, and I had to miss days of school to stay home and look after my mum, who was suffering from depression and needed support. This was when the household chores all fell on to me and my twin.

When I was 13 my mum tested me against my consent for aspergers syndrome (now called ASD). It came back positive. She told me when I didn't want to know. This caused a chaotic and unstable household. I was suffering ptsd that I didn't understand. My parents made me feel crazy. I was running away and coming back, missing school, not sleeping. Asking for affection but only getting attention if I was a problem. There was so much screaming and fighting and I was all alone, no friends, no family helping me through, even my twin was against me.

When I was 15 I told my best friend of 10 years that I have ASD. She never spoke to me since.

When I was 16 I was groomed by a man online, leading to me seeking out more aggressive and manipulative people online to make me feel good about myself. The shame lasted longer than anything else. Then the pandemic hit. My friend tried to kill herself. She left most people notes... Not me. She doesn't really speak to me now. I don't know what I did wrong.

By 18, I had tried to kill myself more times than I could count, never getting far (I was only 13 when I first attempted).But things started to look up. I had survived school.

Now, at 19, I've been to aa, the mental ward twice in one year for suicide attempts, I have depression, anxiety, ptsd, insomnia, atypical anorexia, suicidal thoughts, I self harm so much I could never wear short sleeves again. And I'm having psychotic episodes. I don't know what it is, I'm scared to be diagnosed, but my therapist has suggested a few things. As someone (if you've looked closely at my blog, you'll know who) once said, it's a living, breathing nightmare.

Maybe I am a coward. Maybe it's just too much and I'm too weak. But it hurts so much or I can't feel at all. I can't keep doing this.

People say they love me, that I'm important or they'd miss me. But I just don't know if I can believe that. People call me pretty but the mirror makes me want to hurt myself. I'm ugly. Unlovable. I'm just a burden and a waste of space. I'm so sorry if I am important to you. I don't want to traumatize anyone or hurt anyone but this just hurts so fucking much I don't know how much longer I can be strong. Maybe I'm just not meant for this.

I need you all to know I love you. You mean so much to me. I'm so fucking sorry if I hurt you. I'm so sorry. If you're struggling, please get help. You deserve happiness, hope, love. I believe in you. It will get better. If you see someone struggling, please look after them, even just a stranger on the train with leaking eyeliner. Just ask if they're OK. You could save their life.

I've got pierce the veil on the 27th. I'll do it after that. I'm not sure if I can hold on that long though. I'm so sorry for any pain I'm causing. I hope you're all OK <333

Love,

Rock

[cinemaglow]

This isn't going to be very coherent I'm sorry. I'm not a Buck-Tick superfan. I very easily *could* be but I've held myself back since I don't really have the time and energy to invest and become voraciously obsessed with a band like when I was younger. I haven't listened to all their albums. I've only watched or read a few translated interviews. Idk why I feel like I have to preface this post like this. I guess it's just weird that this is the most profoundly affected I've been by a musician's death in years, and I don't even have the encyclopedic knowledge that I do for some other musicians to have built a parasocial relationship on. I think it speaks for the depths of the beauty that Sakurai contained, that even while maintaining a respectful distance and just catching a surface level glinpse of his inner life he was so, so compelling. And even though I never learned a lot about his personal life I feel a kinship with him.

There are a few bands that have changed my life, not just in a general sense but in specific, measurable ways. Buck-Tick is one of them. I've had treatment resistant depression for most of my life. In 2020 I was, not as actively suicidal as I have occasionally been, but just so so tired and hopeless. I couldn't imagine a future for myself and I was fully prepared to never get out of bed again until I starved and decomposed. Somebody shared a picture of Sakurai on tumblr. I don't remember who or why or what picture but I thought he was compelling and beautiful and me being always a slut for men with long hair I was like 👀👀👀 and that's what led me to Buck-Tick.

Discovering Buck-Tick in late 2020 convinced me to keep fighting for my life. In fact it was reading the translation of these particular lyrics that literally gave my an epiphany or an internal eucatastrophe, like something fundamentally changed in the workings of my brain and the trajectory of my life made a sharp turn:

Your living heartbeat in this world is ephemeral, but it’s beautiful

The living heartbeat of everything in this world is ephemeral, but even so it shines

Your living heartbeat in this world—there’s nothing sad at all

A person I love can live in this world—there’s nothing sad at all

It's honestly kind of cheesy that something can change your outlook so immediately but I remember distinctly realizing that living depressed and miserable is still being a living person and therefore an expression of the goodness and beauty in the universe. I sobbed. I felt truly glad to be alive for the first time in a long, long time. I posted as much on facebook, so you could actually go back and find the exact date it happened. Anyway. I accepted that even if I never get completely better it's still worth fighting to be a bit better. I started grad school. I've made it alive through a lot of rancid shit associated with grad school. I still feel an underlying current of hope and ?cosmic joy? even when my more immediate mental health takes a nosedive because my fundamental view of the world has changed.

People who are a lot more knowledgeable about Sakurai's personal life than I am are posting about how even though he struggled deeply all his life he always fought to live, to find the beauty inherent in living, and that mindset clearly came through in his words and music, because he transmitted it to me. He was so, so beautiful, his mind, voice, countenance, artistry.....he and the rest of the band gave me a blueprint for aging fabulously when I literally couldn't picture myself being middle aged. I think he did a good job, with everything. I kind of feel the same way now as I did when I found out about a friend's suicide earlier this year. Like, it's all okay for him, on his end. One of my spiritual beliefs is that death is a reward, a well earned rest after engaging in the Sacred Work of living. Even if it's a few decades earlier than expected Sakurai deserves to rest after all he's given and I'm happy for him. It's the rest of us that have lost something. It's like we have one less star in the sky. I kind of had a dream that maybe I could make so stage clothes for him one day but oh well.

I was up for several hours just kind of numb last night after I heard the news so I am going to get something to eat and go back to bed for a bit (being unemployed does come with privileges haha). I'm feeling a lot more at peace now than I was last night. Later on I'm going to take a shower and then paint my nails, which seems like the best thing I can do at the moment to honor him. And I'm going to keep living, and making beautiful gothy clothes, and putting more beauty out into the world and appreciating the beauty that is always there no matter what happens.

[abs0luteb4stard]

To my friend Niko. 💙🩷🤍🩷💙

I'll never know if it was an accidental OD or intentional suicide or what... I was lucky a friend of his was kind enough to tell me that he died. I was too afraid to ask anymore of a stranger. It had been weeks or months of inactivity before I was told. My suspicions were confirmed. Utterly shocked.

That's what happens with long-distance internet friends sometimes. He fucking died just months before my dad's series of medical events that put him into vascular dementia. Now It's been 7 years.

He felt like a soul friend sometimes. So much fun little things in common, coincidences, sadnesses. He got me into TØP, which I can't bring myself to listen to anymore. 🫤 It's not the same without his joy about new songs.

He was the sweetest person. I wish he'd have been able to make his trip here to visit his friend or s/o. My mom and me would've tried to make the trip a few states over to at least say hello give him a hug. He had new yellow suitcase and everything. 😢 It's still unbelievable.

He even liked me enough to tell me his 'dead name'. I forgot it, because Niko was who I knew.🤷🏻‍♂️ But I realized it was a very special trusting thing.

This will never not bother me. It haunts me.

He was always open to talking about being trans, transitioning, and taught me a lot. He cleared a lot of purely innocent misconceptions and ignorance about being trans that I had.

And My dad, who was probably 75ish when I started talking to Niko. My dad had a meager education in 1940s Europe. He was still very accepting and interested in his life, his safety. And was even hurt when I told my dad Niko had been bullied at school like me growing up. Even before his realization that he was transgender. He had a stutter and was smaller than the other kids. That really bothered my dad.

And my mom always asked about him. She always feels motherly for my friends. But Niko had some less than perfect relationship with his mom. And my mom felt heartbroken by that.

So I felt like Niko made a difference for our family just being an open book and a sweetheart. I wish I had the chance to have long in person talks with him one day and share more pictures of our families. Sadly, that'll never come. And I've already forgotten a lot of our texts and things.

He left a hole in my life right when things got incredibly difficult and dark and painful in a lot of horrible ways.

I had support, but he had a special sort of way about him. As shy and anxious as he was, he was a social butterfly through our penpal friendship.

He had his top surgery. He had to wait almost a year. We were so happy.

He sent me this nice picture of him smiling at the hospital with the sun's rays flowing in onto him. It's almost like a dream now.

I guess if there's an afterlife, my dad and uncle are looking out for him from any bullies. And Niko has the body he was meant to all along.

But I often wonder if the difficulties with acceptance didn't contribute to his death through medicating himself. Again, I'll never know. But his death was unnecessary in my eyes even if I didn't have the full story. Because not being unconditionally loved and accepted kills people too. Not being concerned in healthy, helpful ways kills people, too.

But I think he should be remembered today too because he contributed to the change he wanted in the world by being who he was to me, and I would also learn how he was to many other people.

At least I know he changed my world and my parents' world. He is why we don't just accept transpeople in a closeted backseat way.

He is why I am openly vocal for acceptance and caring about transpeople, being their friends. And protecting transgender people.

It was such a strange coincidence again that his favorite band TØP would make a song with his namesake just 2-3 years after he died. It was poetic and sad.

I hope you found peace. 🖤🏳️‍⚧️

[foul-milk]

Sorry for posting a rant that should've stayed in my journal, but I'm hoping maybe I'm not the only one who's experienced this, and can get some advice. tw: suicidal ideation

I've been seeing mental health professionals on and off since I was ~8 yrs old, but even before that at ~5 my parents had to take me to get MRIs done for debilitating migraines, which I had to do again when I was a teenager.

I've mentioned to 2 different therapists, 1 psychiatrist and 1 counselor that I think I may have actual depression based on me experiencing more than 90% of the symptoms I've read about online. Every single time I asked if this was possible, they didn't even let me finish my sentence and cut me off with a wave of their arm and told me that's not possible and I shouldn't even think about things like this.

The psychiatrist I saw even told me (after only talking to me for around 6 minutes) that my issue is that I can't appreciate what my parents are doing for me and that I should be ashamed. She added that I should fix my accent in my first language, that I accidentally developed for going to an english speaking school for 5 years, because it's making me confused about my identity. I was told all this after a 10 minute "assessment", in which I specifically started with telling her that I'm scared because I haven't been able to stop thinking about killing myself for months. She never even addressed this, which was incredibly disappointing because it was the reason I went to see her.

Last year I vowed to myself that I'll never see a therapist again because after the years I've spent seeing multiple ones, I felt like my main issues were still there and I never even got answers for my questions and worries. I know this might be unpopular but I still stand by my opinion that most therapists are scammers who have no idea how to actually help with any real issues. Well, at the end of last year I ended up in an incredibly difficult and terrifying life situation that I tried to fix on my own but ultimately just couldn't, so I decided to try something new and see a counselor instead of a therapist. My experience was better in that it was more future orientated and less about repeatedly ripping open old wounds and doing fuck all to heal them. It definitely wasn't perfect, but she somewhat helped me out of the situation I was in and tried to show me the options I have. But once again, when I mentioned my worry that I think I might actually have depression and a chemical imbalance in my brain, she didn't let me finish and brushed me off.

The reason I kept bringing this up to different professionals is because some of the symptoms I'm experiencing are significantly bringing down my quality of life. One of the main ones I'm plagued by is my inability to feel any positive emotions. Negative ones I can feel, but not all the time. For example, when a family member of mine passed away, I couldn't feel anything, which scared me. Another thing that's causing me issues is that I can't set any goals or dreams. I don't have a dream job, I don't have anything I want to study, I can't imagine what kind of life I would want to create for myself and I can't even set short term goals for just a week ahead. I don't want to do anything, and the things that I do right now (like my job, or anything in my free time) are just things that I tolerate, not because I enjoy them or want to do them for a long time. When I explained this she just blinked at me confused and changed subjects. I understand that happiness and contentment in life comes from within and not from external factors, but what do I do if I just can't achieve that, no matter how hard I try?

I'm so desperate to experience enjoying things, but I feel like since no one I talked to about this understood (or cared) what I'm talking about, I'm never going to get answers. I've heard that there is an issue in psychology with too many people getting diagnosed too easily, so what am I doing wrong that no mental health professional will even take a closer look at my issues? All my life I was just waved off dismissively and told that cannot be the case. Why? I don't understand what I'm doing wrong. Of course I don't want to have depression, but I need answers. I used to think that I only have problems because I'm still a teenager and my mind is changing rapidly, but I'm not a teenager anymore and the same issues still remain. What do I do? I really need some advice with this because I just feel so hopeless.

[akookminsupporter]

yk i used to have an old frnd who i was very close to. like really. we used to talk all the time even though we live miles away and haven't met in like 7+ years. but we always got along. she had a really wide and kind of a different approach to life than other people which i really found admiring. i learned a lot of things from her and i honestly miss her presence sometimes. we don't talk anymore. time got us. there wasn't any fight or anything, we just gradually drifted apart and that's what hurts the most. why am i telling you this? because you remind me of her sometimes. she was strong, opinionated and never feared stating whatever was on her mind. that's a quality i acquired from her. so yeah... reading your messages (replies to the anons) remind me of her sometimes.

hope u do well in life, get everything u want and keep up with your spirit, rosie. i wish you the best in life and i hope everyone around you shows their love in their own way to you. and it's my request to you too, that if you have something to say to someone, say it. you never know when things might change, nothing is forever even the best of relationships (platonic, familial or romantic) end sometimes and you don't know when a stranger might become your new special person. so please don't ever hesitate to show your love to your loved ones. i've lost people and it won't be a lie if i say i barely have friends right now (i'm not forty years old, sigh. just ended high school) but that's fine i still have a lot more things coming. i could meet new people in college and hopefully form new definitions of friendships and relationships. but yes, from whatever i have seen so far, what i am sure of is that nothing is forever. i talk to everyone and you won't believe me people see me as a "happy go lucky girl" which i always like, because why being sad in front of people and making them feel sad when they can't do anything to help you? (in a good way. but i have this serious issue of bottling things up and that lead to anxiety. bad one) i literally have these thick walls because of how scared i am of forming bonds just for the fear of losing them. sigh. i just told you nothing is forever but i, myself have a hard time accepting that. easier said than done, isn't it? lol anyway a lot of sentimental and philosophical stuff have been said. geez i might cringe later at myself if you post this. nvm, it's so good that i found your blog, found bts, found armys, and found uh idk everything? yeah, life could be depressing but i try to smile it off because why not?

a frnd of mine was saying she's going to kill herself and i swear i've heard that lot more times from different people. two kids (15 year olds) commited suicide in the last two months where i live. and i was crying in the bathroom because idk who might be next. and it scares me yk what if it's me next? or in future months or years later maybe if i can't smile anymore? it's so disturbing, sigh. and i hate when people joke and say 'i'm gonna kill myself' at the slightest discomfort in life. at least once, just for a second i want them to think of thousands of those people who are surviving under constant fear of hurting themselves for real, who are actually struggling to keep themselves alive, to fight back life harder than it comes for them, and those who want someone to help them out of vicious circle of depression, anxiety and other similar problems they're caught in. i don't like people who make mental health issues look 'aesthetic'. hope they grow up to know better soon.

god i need to learn how to shut up. sorry this long. i love your blog, please don't ever shut this down. ilysm, hope you stay healthy and live your best life. also, again i'm sorry if my message is too depressing. i started off only to tell you that you remind me of my (ex) best friend lol.

Hi, anon! How are you?

I hope this doesn't sound disrespectful but I was a bit surprised when I read that you recently finished high school. There is experience in your words, experience that is usually gained over the years, with mistakes and frustrations but also joys. You are wise beyond your years, anon. That was nice to see. Although I keep in mind that at no point did you mention your age, assuming you're a teenager is perhaps a bit bold of me.

I think I've said it all day but thank you for the nice opinion you have of me. Thank you for the way you think of me. Thank you for somehow telling me that my sincerity is perceived by all of you. I'm sorry that you and your former friend have drifted apart. Life is funny like that sometimes. Sometimes people come into our lives to teach us something but not to stay. And in itself, that is also a life lesson.

In part, you remind me of me but unlike you, I have never had such positive thoughts about my future. About other people's? Of course, I have, but not about mine, I guess in that respect I like to preach but I don't apply what I preach.

Thanks for the advice and good wishes. You are a special person anon. Try not to change. Always try not to let life and all its tribulations ruin your way of thinking. Maybe try to be a little more positive about yourself. Trusting someone else people say is a rewarding thing to do, I need to work on that too, maybe we can do it together. I sincerely hope that people come into your life who bring something to you instead of taking something away from you. I hope that people come into your life with whom you can form sincere, honest and lasting relationships. You sound like the kind of friend I would like to have. That I often need to have.

I wish you nothing but the best anon, thank you for your kind words. I promise I won't forget what you said to me.

GRACIAS!!

[rainbow-string-tied-me-to-you]

Lyrics from 1989TV Vault that made me feel insane

Aquamarine, moonlit swimming pool/What if all I need is you? (The "Need" usage in 1989tv is gonna kill me, I swear)

Love thorns all over this rose/I’ll pay the price, you won't (DOUBLE STANDARDS AHHHHHHHHHHH)

And if they call me a slut/You know it might be worth it for once (STOP! STOP RIGHT NOW, TAYLOR MOTHER FREAKING SWIFT)

Everyone wants him, that was my crime (GOLD RUSH AHHHHH)

In a world of boys, he's a gentleman (YEAH, HE IS. THAT'S MY BOY. Also, Taylor can never drag Harry without saying something nice first lmao)

I've known it from the very start/We’re a shot in the darkest dark (HELLO, GETAWAY CAR???)

I’m standin' on a tightrope alone/I hold my breath a little bit longer (Not the mirrorball reference)

'Cause you kiss mе and it stops time/And I'm yours, but you're not mine (KILLED ME, I'M DEAD ON THE FLOOR)

I'm tryna see the cards that you won't show/I'm about to fold unless you (FINE LINE REFERENCE AHHH)

I said, "I love you" (I said, "I love you")/You say nothing back (HARRY FREAKING STYLES, YOU MASSIVE DONUT)

You went to a party/I heard from everybody/You part the crowd like the Red Sea (She said "Moses")

Remind myself the morе I gave, you'd want me less (STOP, I'M ALREADY DEAD AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH)

I cannot bе your friend, so I pay the price of what I lost/And what it cost, now that we don't talk (To be so lonely parallelssjnckjsdbnjsd)

What do you tell your friends we/Shared dinners, long weekends with? (REMINDED ME OF CHAMPAGNE PROBLEMS' "How evergreen our group of friends/Don't think we'll ever say that word again")

I don't have to pretend I like acid rock/Or that I'd like to be on a mega yacht/With important men who think important thoughts (YACHT GATE)

You had people who called you on unmarked numbers/In my peripheral vision/I let it slide like a hose on a slippery plastic summer (HARRY YOU SON OF A BTCH!!! Also, reminded me of that scene from blank space mv)

You were so magnetic it was almost obnoxious (GORGEOUS AND GOLD RUSH PARALLELS)

When you hold me, it holds me together/And you kiss me in a way that's gonna screw me up forever (Wtf Taylor?? 😭😭😭)

I had the fantasy that maybe our mismatched star signs/Would surprise the whole school/When I ended up back at our class reunion/Walkin' in with you (AhHhHhHhHhHhHh there's still time please 😭😭😭 Also, someday parallels with the lyrics "Someday maybe when we're old and gray/We could be in love once more/'Til then I won't give my love away/Darling, I'm forever only yours) I broke my own heart 'cause you were too polite to do it (I'm gonna off myself)

I dash to the door/You don't knock anymore and my whole life's ruined (hits different parallels "I heard your key turn in the door down the hallway/Is that your key in the door?/Is it okay? Is it you?/Or have they come to take me away?/To take me away" I see your profile and your smile on unsuspecting waiters (the 1 parallels)

You dream of my mouth before it called you a lying traitor/You search in every model's bed for somethin' greater, baby (JDK VKJD KS KJNSVDKKJDBVKJSFN HE'S DEAD AGAIN)

Whеn you lost control (Uh-huh)/Red blood, white snow (Uh-huh)/Blue dress on a boat (Uh-huh)/Your new girl is my clone (HARRY STYLES SHOT DEAD AGAIN)

Oh, Lord, I think about jumpin'/Off of very tall somethings/Just to see you come running/And say the one thing I've been wanting, but no (Oh my god she said suicide just to spite you)

If she's got blue eyes, I will surmise that you'll probably date her (Oh no) (THE FACTS AHHHHHHHH HAHAHAHAHAHHA)

[lilisouless]

Hello, love <3

First of all, I want you to know that You. Are. Not. Alone.

I've felt like how you feel for most of my teenage years, (I still do sometimes, because life is hard), and I know that it doesn't feel like you have support. That no one understands you and you're left alone in the darkness. You are not, I promise.

I wanted to kill myself, too. I was going through life as an empty shell of a human, trying not to cave under all the pressure of just being alive. I felt like no one would care if I was gone, or that I wasn't important. But that's not true. And it isn't for you, either. You deserve to live.

There's no one like you out there, there's only one of you, and you're perfect like you are.

Su*cide is not the answer. Because you don't deserve that. You deserve a life full of love and joy, and although that may seem impossible as of right now, I promise you that you will have it one day.

I feel like a failure, too. I never finished 9th grade and got kicked out of high-school because I didn't attend due to mental and physical conditions. I'm dependent on my family, I would never be able to get a job without qualifications.

I don't know why you feel like you've failed, but it will get better. And I know that that's hard to believe right now, but it does.

You're not a failure, the path you take is just different from others. Yours has hills and valleys and bumps in the road, and maybe isn't smooth and straight ahead like you want it to be, but you will get through it.

And if you even need one reason to stay, I'll be that reason. I smile everytime I see your blog. I have no fucking idea what's going on with Shadow and Bone, but I enjoy your posts whole-heartedly.

You are loved. I'm telling you all of this from the bottom of my heart, because when I felt like this I would've needed something like this.

I hope you feel better soon. I'll try and check in with you, if you want that.

Just don't take your life. It's too precious. You are too precious.

Life is fucking hard, and it can be miserable. But I'm telling you that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

It won't just happen immediately, you need to heal, and that takes time.

But you will heal, I promise.

I strongly believe that you can survive this.

You're stronger than you think. You're still here after all.

You can always reach out to me for whatever reason. You're not fighting this alone.

My words might not mean much, but I just want you to know that there's someone out there who knows what you feel like.

Stay strong, okay? <3

Hello, i know this has been in draft for a long while already , since its been weeks since my breakdown. I didn't awnser because i didn't want to give a half heartfelt short anwser, i needed time for finishing the problem, the job that made me had this deppresive episode. It´s already done so i finally have time to respond, i did saw them back then btw, just wanted to read the whole think without having a second breakdown in reminder of the first one (like, right now i am fine and i am close to tear up)

First all , thanks for taking time for all that. Don't know if it matters but i am not a teen, actually my depression started at 19 more or less, started to live with it on my twenties, i had an hormonal inbalance and was getting controlled but hit back again. Just wanted to clarify because i am realizing maybe i am acting like an inmature teen.

The words do matter, specially since, being strangers on the internet, its the only thing we can do, so i really appreciate it. I am not in danger, the most that happened that one time was that i tried to call a suicide hotline, no one reponded but i made a step and talked my mom about it, talking my problems out loud made me see there weren't that bad. Still, thanks for taking your time to talk to me❤

[imzsuzsis-blog]

Microphone up and down and up and down again. I was third, almost first, but I could have been second (tie). yes, George and Max also ran the same time for the hundredth and even for the tenth, when they said this to my ear, the shit stopped in my head. I didn't think it could happen here in this era. On top of that, it can't be written any better, but I'm not in the mood to cut myself off right now.

"Lando, Lando, are you better? Carlos said yesterday that you ran off sobbing to kill yourself."

"This thought is starting to wear off a little."

I looked in front of me and examined my arm, which was full of sharp marks, I started again, it froze my palm to ice, but the thought didn't go away, it stuck.

That night I had to get up crying next to Loki, I was thinking about medicine, but no, it would be very good if I didn't exist and neither did they, because at least they wouldn't talk to me. Finally, I filled the bathtub with water and went in, but my belly prevented me from washing myself because you look out. I screamed, leaned my back against the wall and started to scream and sob. (Last night in th Hotel)

"I want to give birth to fucking twins!!!!"

I screamed sobbing and slapped the water.

"My heart, my heart... Come here."

Loki showed his fingers, but I didn't accept, not even his kiss of forgiveness, nor his comforting hug. I didn't understand what was wrong with me, I'm used to being treated like this online, but now I'm constantly crying and I don't feel like laughing at anything.

"Loki, disappear!!! I want to give birth to them here and now!!!! then I want to commit suicide!!!"

———————-

Hotel Last night

Lando sobbed profusely, burying his face in his hands as he did so.

"Come here, they're just jealous because you have a normal relationship with a boy."

"Don't be a fucking problem!!!! They've been working on it for years, they interfere in everything so fucking rudely, they act as if they understand it, but they don't!!!! I'm telling you to let me fuck you!!! I want to die!!!!”

I stroked his hair and couldn't believe what he was saying. My boyfriend is twenty-four years old and he's going to kill himself because he's being fucked by a bunch of sofa bastards. They don't like something, that's what they say if the English "boob" in the field is not on the podium. I kissed his hair to see if the poor thing would calm down, but the boy continued to sob without trembling.

"At some point it will just end."

"I've never been the gay kid since I was a kid. You know? What the hell do you do when a bunch of thirteen-year-olds beat you up because you're transgender?"

I caressed his face with tearful eyes staring at me, Lando was caressing his butt and even beating the water with his feet, he almost stomped and screamed even more.

"I know, I can even feel it, but stop the hysteria, please. I was also called gay at school and I'm still here. It's not about whether or not I should ask for forgiveness when I come out... You don't need to be the same guy you've been until now, just with some extras."

My fingers went down to him face, I wiped the tears from him eyes, then they went down to him mouth and he got the kiss of him life, which my boyfriend returned. He seems to be an adult, but he is not a child mentally, so I can't do anything about it. Then they went even lower together with my mouth, he moaned softly, he took my face and we started kissing deeply.

"Sex like this at bedtime?"

He smiled, this tongue kiss before real sex couldn't last, he carefully took off my pajama top and laughing in my pajama pants, I was laughing.

"Where's the sausage?"

He giggled and caressed my silk pants laughing.

"Sausage?"

"Banana?"

He came out slowly and kept stroking my pants from the outside, but now also from the inside. We started backing up to the bed, he pulled my pants off me and continued kissing my neck.

"Well, I can't squat, will my knees be okay?"

,,Not all the same?"

I groaned and looked down, then I let the lady pamper me.

————————

The next day

The next day Loki and I had to be next to each other. When my mobile phone rang, I was pregnant, so now he was the big spoon, not me, as is usually the case after sex.

"Fuck, I think I fell asleep."

"Why not what?"

He looked at me and caressed and kissed my beack and pulled his cock out of there and took the condom off his.

"Honey, no..."

"Yes, sorry..."

I tried everything, but I didn't get it at first.

"Fuck you, help me, I can't even walk into my workplace with a condom on."

"Of course, dear."

He took it off quickly, maybe because of the hormones, but while I was still moaning, he was good erotically, or he found something by accident.

"A little more moisture is coming. Yes, soon, baby."

I moaned and gripped the sheets with my eyes closed, I don't know what it is, but my brain and body are enjoying it a little.

"Milk, this is peace right away. You just have some orgasm. I guess you're dreaming."

Now I was tearing the edge of the pillow and moaning louder and louder, I also made a sound of it.

"Loki into the depths even faster."

"Calm down, Lando, the dream is almost over."

I opened my eyes, my fingers became milky again, I looked up and could only swallow. I looked to the side at Loki, who was caressing my beack.

"What the hell happened?"

"You were just dreaming about sex."

"Did I dream, again?"

Not anymore.”

I licked my fingers in the process and we started kissing with our eyes closed.

,,Lando, Loki? Hello? It's okay that I've been here for over an hour and I've been watching you, Lando, there's no better word for it, stand up in your fucking dream."

I faked coughing and then faked vomiting at what I saw.

"Max, screw me!!! That was just homophobia, now fuck you."

We cut the pillow together and he bent down like a routine old fox.

"Am I homophobic? You are not complete.”

I looked at them with full eyes and necks tilted back.

"He's not Loki, Lance is... He's been unbelievably jerky with me since I introduced him to him. He keeps calling me a dick-sucking fag."

"That's why I was so bored."

I saw Lando, Loki and Max cross the gate together and Max's eyes were closed, I don't know what he saw or what Loki and Lando did against him, but he didn't look at anyone, not even at me.

"Max, Max!!! What happened?"

I ran to him and almost threw up in that holy sting.

"It's Lando's erect dick."

"Lando you bastard!!!"

"Huh?"

I looked at George, who was completely pissed at me and showed that he would kick me if this happened again.

"Yes, it's my dream. It was like he was... I fucked Loki..."

"You brainless English, Belgian monkey, your dick also came up!!!!"

I leaned against the railing and started pointing nervously in all the languages ​​of the world. I could already tell the damn thing in sign language when Fernando slapped my fingers.

"Don't say that, Mr. Russell, you said that in gay, fucking sign language."

"A thousand apologies wasn't intentional, it was just Lando doing shit."

One, I couldn't tell him that Lando was gay because his world would fall apart, two, I couldn't tell him that he was pregnant and that's why I'm now in a dog's grip.

"Lando..."

I called him aside while adjusting his clothes.

"Here, time will tell Fernando the truth."

I started to sulk if I told him that he would never talk to me again, if he found out then he would know from the others.

"Can we talk?"

"About the rumour? I don't know if it's true, but they say you're bisexual, but now you have a girlfriend called Magui."

I shook my head and laughed.

"The LGBTQ part is true, but I'm gay. I have a boyfriend named Loki.”

"Ohhh, I thought it was your colleague."

I laughed.

"We've been a couple for a while."

"Where did you pick it up..."

"No, I'm not pregnant, I'm 19 weeks and I have two little girls."

,,From him?"

"No, it slipped in from the previous one, sometimes I wait on the day and sometimes not."

"Lan..."

"Sorry..."

I ran to the team laughing, I was in a good mood until they wrote on the projector what George was showing.

I'm gay and I'm going to die.

I ran into my motorhome and sat down and started sobbing.

"Lando, I saw it was disgusting."

I opened the door, the make-up was already completely off her face, him hair was messed up, he stood beack and he didn't even drink him usual latte, it was there on him cupboard untouched.

I knelt in front of him and started stroking his back.

"I'm sorry, but I don't have to throw up."

I got up and ran to the bathroom sobbing because nothing came, and there was no one outside or in the kitchen, so I went in and ate what I found. I went back to the bathroom, found my toothbrush, pressed it down my throat and nothing.

"Then you girls were hungry. Penelope you especially but neither you Leah.”

I took the mouth and got the names, even though the last one is a lame name, they got the bass. I came out and hugged Oscar with joy, I shook my head in disbelief.

,,What's wrong? You hug me here.”

I kissed his cheek, then our mouths again, and now we're kissing too, then he licked his lips and we continue.

,,Lando!!!!”

I turned back, Loki was there, no matter how pregnant I am, I looked in front of me, I knew I made a mistake, I really shouldn't have done this.

"Yes, I made a mistake. But it's just a kiss!!!"

But by the time I got out, he had disappeared and left behind a piece of paper with the words

“It’s over.”

I grabbed my mouth, got down on my knees, slid it apart and hit the ground with my fist. Because I thought I was finally happy, finally someone who understood me, finally someone I could tell everything to and finally someone I could say I loved.

,,Hallo?"

I picked up my cell phone.

"Are you MR Lando Norris?"

,,Yes me."

I looked around.

"We have the cute little teacher's uncle... If he doesn't pay 200,000 Canadian dollars by midnight tonight, we'll blow him up right here on the spot."

I stood up trembling, these hardened mafiosos won't leave me alone even here, and we fucking agreed that when it comes to work, they'll leave me and Loki alone, and all the law enforcement agencies will be on their side.

"It wasn't about leaving us alone when I'm working!!!!"

"My whole ass is stupid! If your boyfriend doesn't pay, it hurts! We will also send you a recording of him Anglican."

"Fucks!!!"

I yelled at him, but he already put him down and they really sent him away, Loki was chained to a bastard and I beat him properly and constantly doused him with water. I couldn't take it any longer and threw up in the exhibited wheel from the recording, yes, if I didn't do what

"Chih"

said, I got the same treatment, I also hated it as a prostitute and I was afraid, in the end I stepped down, not them.

"Kidnaped?"

"Yes, fuck me!!!"

Sobbing, I fell on Oscar's neck and after telling him everything and finally to Zak and Andrea and to my closest colleagues as well.

"Were you a prostitute? Did you do porn?”

I held my shoulders and couldn't do anything but agree to everything.

"Since I didn't ask my father for the money, and I stupidly thought I just had to dance, that's how I got into it."

"There was another."

"Babysitting for good money."

"Don't take these any other time."

"I know, I was a stupid little eighteen at the time and I believed everything they told me."

"We help pay, together with other teams, it's a lot of money they demand."

You hugged me, but I kept looking at the picture of him and that we will cut him off if you don't pay, my bastard Englishman.

[alovelyfox]

Chapter 3: Really just a simple favour

Please note there are mentions of suicide/substance abuse in this chapter, so reader discretion is advised.

This has got to be one of the most uncomfortable dates of all time. Not that you've been on many, but if this is what dating is like, you think it's time to ask your parents for an arranged marriage. And it's not that your date is ugly or anything too. Stan's wearing an oversized blue and red jacket with a pair of ripped blue jeans. He has a little bit of scruff on his chin, with his hair dyed blonde rather than natural, something you could tell by his black roots still showing. He didn't look so much like a creep as Kyle predicted, more like a washed up rock star wearing clothes from the kids section of a Wal-Mart. But your main problem with him is how fucking boring he's acting right now.

You've been making polite conversation with him for the past 5 minutes, and he's giving you nothing to work with. When you asked about his day so far, he gave you a curt 'fine’, then didn't bother to ask about yours. So you try again, telling him that you recently started a job at a law firm, but he looks like he'd rather be anywhere else but listening to you.

What a dick you think. I mean, he was the one who practically begged to have this date with me, yet he's acting like I'm not even here! Fuck my life.

“Hey, do you have any friends you think you could set me up with?" He asks, and it takes all your willpower to not openly slap him across the face.

Is he insane? Or does he find me so utterly awful that he's decided he's done with this date and wants to start planning his next one. Piece of shit.

"Like any cute friends?" He asks again. "Anyone with, let's say, straight black hair and choppy bangs in the front. And black eyes you can feel your soul getting lost in, that make you feel safe and like she's gonna take care of you forever... Oh, and a pink beret, maybe in some childhood photos or maybe still now?"

"Wendy? Are you asking about my roommate Wendy?"

His eyes light up when you mention her name and you feel your heart sink.

"Wait, so you asked me on a date only so you could get one with my roommate? Are you fucking serious? Nah, fuck you and fuck whatever this is." You get up to leave and make it out the door before he grabs you by the arm.

"Y/N please. I swear, I never meant to play you or anything, I'm not that kind of guy. Just let me explain." Stan pleads with you.

"Did you set up this date because you genuinely like me or because you're a stalker creep who likes my roommate so much that you'd do anything to get with her? Cause if it's the second one, that explains everything to me right there." You say, and he turns silent.

You look at your phone and the clock reads 6:15. You wonder if Kyle's still nearby when Stan interrupts your thoughts.

“Look, Y/N. I'm sorry, it's true. I did set up this date because I wanted you to help me get in touch with Wendy, but please hear me out. I met Wendy when we were in pre-school, and I've been in love with her ever since. We were one of those on again-off again couples in middle school, but during high school I fucked up. She broke up with me and moved away for college, while I stayed in that shithole town and let the loneliness consume me. I hated myself for letting her get away, for losing one of the most perfect girls to ever exist. But I came to my senses, decided enough was enough and came here."

You hate how sincere he sounds, and you feel yourself sympathizing with him. With a heavy sigh, you start walking back to your apartment, and motion for him to follow.

"I don't know Wendy that well, but I really like her. Also, she's doing well right now. And I'll be damned if I'm gonna let some douchey ex of hers come into her life and screw it all up. So I have to know the full story, which you're gonna tell me as we walk back to my apartment. If it's good enough, I'll invite you in to meet her, but if not, you leave both her and I the hell alone. Deal?"

He sighs loudly, but nods his head and reluctantly starts following you home.

"Deal. So, it all started when my friend Eric Cartman got an anal probe..."

…

Hearing Stan talk about his middle school relationship with Wendy softens your heart towards him, if only a little. The way he used to throw up when she talked to him, and how she paid a group of Iraqis to capture one of their teachers whom he had a crush on and shoot her into the sun. Okay the second one sounds kind of crazy, but it's obvious that they cared for each other a lot, at least when they were young. But when discussing what happened to them in high school, Stan freezes up.

"I fucked up. I really fucked it all up. Everyone else knew exactly what they were doing with their lives, and I had no fucking clue what to do with mine. I got really depressed, and turned to alcohol to numb the pain. My dad's an alcoholic, so maybe it's just something I inherited. But I pushed everyone away. My family, my best friends, and especially Wendy. She tried her hardest to get me to quit, to try and salvage what we had. But she broke up with me, saying that she couldn't watch me kill myself, and that it was time for her to move on. I was so wrapped up in all my shit that I didn't even care. I didn’t put up a fight, just watched her leave. I stayed in South Park while I watched everyone else get on with their lives, and all I wanted was to be back in middle school, when my friends didn't look at me with pity in their eyes and the love of my life was still mine."

So far, he had been walking alongside you while talking, but now he stops in his tracks and stares at the ground for a moment before his next words.

"I tried to kill myself two months ago."

Your eyes widen, seeing him so vulnerable like this. He turns to look up at the star pierced night sky which had befallen the both of you, obviously trying to will away the tears which were forming in his eyes. You're about to step forward and try to comfort him but he resumes walking, so you follow him while he continues on with what he was saying.

"Well, not really. It wasn't like I got a noose or a gun and just ended it. I had been on a three day bender with my dad's hidden supply, and in my drunken state I stumbled onto some train tracks. And I saw the train heading towards me, yet I didn't move. I think the alcohol was a way for me to slowly kill myself, but here was the perfect opportunity to finish the job. And my mind was hazy, and I thought that getting run over was exactly what I wanted. But then the train got closer and closer, and I hesitated. Was this really how my life was gonna end? Having achieved nothing, dying alone on some fucking train tracks? I had wanted to go back to my middle school self so bad, but would he have liked how I turned out? The train was a couple miles away when I hopped off the tracks, I was still so close my beanie flew off by the gust it generated from passing me. But I was alive, and had reached a moment of clarity. I didn't want to revert back to my middle school self. I want to become a man my middle school self is proud to grow up into. A man whose family and friends still care for him, and is still dating the girl of his dreams. So I checked myself into rehab, determined to change my mindset and ways."

He lets out a heavy sigh, and you pat him reassuringly on the back. He continues.

"I got out a couple weeks ago, and my first thought was to reunite with Wendy. She was the one who always had faith that I could recover, and with her by my side I would be able to get a job, reconnect with my friends, conquer anything. But I needed to know how she felt about me now, and when I found out that you were her roommate, I figured you were the one to talk to."

"But why not just ask me to help you? Why'd you ask me out on a date instead?"

"To be honest, I just thought it would be the quickest way to get your attention. Sorry for the way I acted on it by the way. I swear I'm a much more interesting guy to be around, but I was so worried about how'd you react to what I was gonna ask you that I guess I was kind of rude. My bad. But now that you've heard me out, you'll help and re-introduce me to her, right?"

You're in front of your apartment building now, and Stan's looking at you expectedly. You don't know what to think about everything he’s just told you, and him staring at you with puppy dog eyes isn't helping. You turn your back to him, and try to recollect your thoughts. He seems genuinely sorry about how he treated Wendy in the past, but does that mean he's changed?

You wheel around and look straight into his eyes as you say your next words.

"'Оkау.”

His face breaks out into a massive smile, but you hold up one finger indicating that you're not done.

"I'II help, under some conditions. And you're not meeting her until all these conditions have either been completed or agreed to. 1. You clean yourself up, both mentally and physically." You look him up and down, and raise an eyebrow.

"Mainly physically. Get some better clothes, clean up that scruff you call a beard sitting on your face, etc. 2. You get a job. Wendy deserves a guy who's stable, both mentally and financially. And 3. If you meet her again and she wants nothing to do with you, you suck it up and move on with your life. No weird stalking, no setting up a date with another one of her friends, nothing. Until then though, I'll help you get your life together. We can meet up tomorrow, when you should've already completed condition 1, and we can work on condition 2. Here's my number, don't abuse it."

You stick your hand out for his phone, and type your number into it. He takes it back and has a small smile on his face.

"Thanks. For everything. Even the small possibility of seeing her again makes my heart feel whole."

You let out a matching small smile. He does seem like a really sweet guy, and you can only hope he's serious about changing.

"I'll text you tomorrow when and where to meet up. Goodnight Stan."

And with that, you leave him standing on the street, and wonder what the hell you're gonna tell Wendy.

…

You decide to not tell Wendy about your date with Stan. You’ll find out how she feels about him as per Stan's request, but there's no reason for that to happen tonight. You walk into your room and practically collapse on your bed. Everything about today drained you, and the urge to sleep it all away is getting stronger and stronger. But before your droopy eyes fully close, your phone vibrates twice from an unknown texter. Assuming it's Stan, you breathe a heavy sigh. So much for the 'don't abuse it’ rule that came with your number. But you sit up straight when you actually read what it says.

Unknown Number - Hey Y/N, it's Kyle

Unknown Number - I just wanted to make sure you got home safe. So text me when you do.

You can't stop your face from smiling. You save his number into your phone and reply back.

Y/N - i came home a couple minutes ago, thanks for checking in ♡

Kyle ♡ - How'd it go?

Kyle ♡ - The date, I mean

You try not to read into why he cares about that. Probably just trying to make conversation, right?

Y/N - It wasn't what I anticipated, but the guy seems pretty nice so we're gonna meet up again tomorrow.

He leaves you on read for a while, only replying back five minutes later with a curt:

Kyle ♡ - Nice to hear. Goodnight Y/N.

He doesn't say anything else, leaving you to wonder what the hell you did wrong.