#saw a picture of myself from when i was really struggling with my body image when i was younger and started sobbing

[butch-himbo-king]

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[madridfangirl]

A Weekend in Ibiza - Part 2

(Jude Bellingham blurb)

(Part 1, Part 3, Part 4)

2.6k words. Jude*female reader. Suggestive language.

A/n - When we don't get Jude holiday content, we make shit up

.............................................................................

The cold shower calmed your nerves and cleared your head. The fog lifted from the brain, replaced with fury. 

That fucker, that assholic fucker, really thought he could play you like this? Just waltz into your peaceful space & bend you to his will?

What a sad, little life he lived if that’s the kind of people he was surrounded with. 

Oh, you were gonna show him his place. Real good.

What you did next shocked you. But propriety had gone out of the window the moment he turned this into a battle of wits, dragging you in as an unwilling participant.

Jude was done with Round 2 & was lounging on the deck when he heard his spare phone buzz. He lazily felt around the surface for his waist bag, too blissed out to move. The naked woman lying half on top of him, feeding him grapes was a factor too.

What he saw made him rub his eyes & sit upright. The woman whined at the interruption, which he barely registered.

‘Naa I am busy. Going snorkelling with this one.’ 

Attached was the back image of a man. A big, well built, shirtless, heavily muscular, glossy skinned, wet man. A surfer’s body. 

‘And who is he?’

‘Met him on the beach just now. Said he wanted to show me a few things. Am gonna let him.’

That was a sucker punch to the gut that he didn’t see coming.

‘You are bluffing.’

‘Yeah? Want me to send you a pic after? Don’t think we’ll find a bed but a remote island maybe?’

He called you. Disconnected in the first ring. He called again. Same result.

‘Don’t do this. It’s not safe.’

‘I am a big girl, I can handle myself.’

‘What happened to the no casual sex policy?’

‘A girl can change her mind. CERTAINLY for a guy like that.’

‘Rubbish - he looks OLD.’

‘Word you are looking for is experienced. A MAN, not some little boy fresh out of his teens.’

‘Look, I’ll stop if you stop.’

‘Never asked you to stop. Never asked you for ANYTHING. Infact, I explicitly told you to go with the woman throwing herself at you.’

‘HE WONT KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH YOU.’

‘I’ll find out soon, won’t I? Hope he likes my new swimsuit.’

Jude resisted the urge to throw his phone in the water. The woman looked at him curiously as he paced around the deck.

Confrontation wasn’t helping his case, so he changed tact.

‘Listen, we got off on a non-ideal note. I can see that. But we can talk this through. I’ll come back right now, yeah? Just give me like 15 mins.’

‘1) The world does not revolve around you 2) Actions have consequences 3) Chris is waiting & I am going to him now. Will be MIA for a few hours. Bye.’

Jude called again. You didn’t pick up. He left one final, desperate message.

‘Please don’t do this. I am sorry. You can get back at me in other ways. Please.’

You smiled victoriously as you looked at his plea. Two please and a sorry in one sentence. Ergo, mission accomplished. Who knew a picture of Chris Hemsworth in your gallery would come in so handy one day. Oh, the benefits of thirsting.

Putting your phone on airplane mode (to let him stew further), you got under the covers, still in your bathrobe, and drifted off to a peaceful afternoon nap.

Complete contradiction to his state.

Jude was struggling to wrap his head around what just happened. And why it was bothering him so much. He stripped to his briefs and jumped in the cool, crystal blue water. To erase the images plaguing his mind. Of you in your swimsuit. Of you and that horny geriatric fucker.

At one point he even looked around the water, trying to look for the snorkelling spots. Then cursed himself for being reduced to that. 

The current was brisk, numbing him enough to think straight. All wasn’t lost. Not yet. He just needed to come up with a better move. A different move. Coz you were different, it had been well established. The rebuttal did bruise his ego, he admitted to himself, but he was still sure he wasn’t wrong in sensing your attraction. It just needed the right nudge to bring you to him.

He emerged from the water, enthused again, and the woman rushed to him, offering to help him de stress & unwind from whatever was bothering him. Jude was never gonna pass up on a quick head in the loo. As he thrusted into her mouth, he found himself wishing it to be you.

If only you had been that easy. But then, the chase won’t be as fun, the anticipation not as deep. Plus he was certain your affections couldn’t be gained from fame, money or expensive gifts. You’d probably throw them in his face if he attempted that. 

He wondered if things would be different if you knew who he was. That there was a different side to him too. An idea struck him then, right at the peak of his orgasm.

You woke up after 3 long blissful hours, stretching your limbs, still burrowed under the covers, and put your phone off airplane mode.

One message from him, from an hour ago.

‘Atleast tell me you are back safely.’

The change in tone did not go unnoticed and you figured this merited a response. 

‘Just got done. Exhausted. Gonna sleep it off now.’

Letting the innuendo hang in the air, you ordered your evening cappuccino & croissant, enjoying them in your private balcony overlooking the waters. And played your favourite music, as you watched the evening sun cast patterns in the sky. Splurging for this room was turning out to be a great decision after all.

Curiosity got the better of you then, and you succumbed to googling him, to know more about this ridiculous/ridiculously handsome creature.

When you looked, you prayed you hadn’t. The guy wasn’t just atrociously hot, but he was many other things. Damn good at his day job (excellence at work was your primary turn-on). Well spoken & articulate (wtf happened to him today then?). Wholesome with his family (your number 2 turn-on). Unbelievably amazing with kids (you could jump from the balcony right now with the number of boxes he was ticking). And just generally affable & affectionate to everyone around.

You scrolled & scrolled through countless reels, & wondered which was the real him. The dickhead he was this morning or this angelic creature loved by all & sundry? Everyone seemed to swear by him. Did you catch him on a bad day then? Or was this a carefully crafted public persona to fool the world?

You kept going back to that one video with kids, which was melting your insides. 

That, and another one with him being abrasive on the pitch, picking up fights. Some would have called it cocky, and it was, but it was also inexplicably hot? Knee-wobbling hot? It was the same cockiness he had this morning but that had put you off. This video, though, was making your head spin. Giving him a power you never wished for him to have over you. And his body, oh god that body, plus the way he carried that attitude. 

You quickly threw the phone away, hoping you weren’t in too deep already. Consciously reminding yourself what an entitled prick he had been and how furious it had made you.

Needing an immediate distraction, you called home & listened to your 4 year old nephew babble for a good 30 mins. And your mom telling you all the news from back home for another 30 mins. 

Dinner was the next distraction. You took your time in picking a delicacy, settled on paella, a glass of wine and put on a comfort movie on Netflix as you enjoyed your dinner in bed. For some reason, you were avoiding going outside.

It was 10 pm, the sun had finally set making it feel like night time. No more messages from him since the last one to check on you. Which was a good thing. Which is what you wanted. Right? 

Yes, of course. Finally you were rid of him. He must be out, doing something, or someone. Far far away from you.

A quick look at his Insta won’t hurt, would it? It would just confirm his whereabouts, so you can finally be at peace, away from him.

One new post. From 2 hours ago. Captioned ‘Making memories’. A bunch of pics from his day - sunbathing at the yacht, lunch with friends, frolicking in the water & sun-set. Carefully avoiding any hint of the women she knew were a part of his entourage. Just the guy friends made it to post, making you roll your eyes loudly.

When you reached the last pic though, you did a double take. For the second time today, the glass nearly dropped from your hands.

The pic had a glass of wine, and a tissue paper next to it. You could tell it was the same tissue they had used to exchange notes - it was in a blurred background, difficult to spot for others but you could make out your handwriting. And his.

Tagged to it was a song - Can’t we start over again.

You questioned your grip on reality as you read the lyrics of the song.

I know I’ve caused you pain.

Took you for granted.

I’ve been such a fool.

Can’t we start over again?

What the holy fuck was this? What in the name of god was he playing at?

Half-mad, half dazed, you quickly dialled his number. It rang & rang for eternity, he picked up on the last ring.

‘Missed me?’

It just hit you that you were hearing his voice for the first time. It was deeper & huskier than you had imagined. But you quickly regained control of the situation.

‘Are you mad? Are you totally completely mad?’

‘Saw the post, huh?’

‘Damn right I did. Seriously, what were you thinking? What if your horde of fans put two & two together? What if people start assembling here to inquire? God, what if people find that waiter? Jude, what did you do?’

You started to hyperventilate, pacing around the room.

‘Ok. Take a deep breath & listen to me, yeah? No one knows we are talking, not even my friends. The waiter I tipped handsomely to forget about what happened. The note is blurred, no one can make out what’s written other than you & me. All others will see is just a glass of wine on a holiday. And a reminiscing song which can be for anyone. Or maybe they’ll think I am drunk. There is zero way to trace it back to you. Heck, even I don’t know your name yet. So relax. I won’t compromise your privacy when you made it clear how important that was to you.’

His soothing voice, coupled with unassailable logic, calmed you instantly. You could almost laugh at how you had overreacted. Almost. You weren’t gonna tell him that.

‘Are you with me?’

‘Umm yeah, guess you are right.’

You could hear music blaring in the background. He must be out partying at some club when you rudely interrupted him. You were about to ask him to go back to what he was doing before he chimed in.

‘So, did you have fun today?’

You rolled your eyes at his roundabout attempt to ask what he really wanted to ask. Well, two can play this game.

‘Oh yeah. Great day, super relaxing, after a long time.’

‘Ended too quickly, no?’

‘Excuse me?’

‘Well, if you were with me, no way we would be done in just 3 hours. No way you would be alone tonight, checking out another man online.’

He had just shown you how you were an amateur in the game he was a pro in. Honestly, you hadn’t even anticipated this line of thought. But clearly he had. In the same way he knew you would check him out online. Damn him, to the moon & back.

‘Told you he looked geriatric. Did he even…?’

‘Shut up. Shut the fuck up. Not another word on this.’

Your breath was laboured by now. What gave you solace was that his was ragged at the other end too. He wasn’t unaffected either. Both were silent for a bit. He broke it eventually. 

‘I meant what I said in the post. Shouldn’t have done what I did. Not to you. Wasn’t really thinking straight.’

‘Not to ANYONE.’

He had the good sense to stay quiet and not point out that it worked with others.

‘Yes. Can we get past it? I feel like I have been rejected enough for one day.’

You couldn’t stop yourself from chuckling, & he caught the shift in your mood.

‘Maybe.’

Now that was a window he didn’t think he was gonna get. And was extremely pleased with himself for getting here.

‘I’ll take that. Now, you know damn well I want you. And I know you are thinking about me too. Don’t start denying it, that wasn’t a question. Why are you fighting this, baby?’

Again he was cutting straight to the chase. This time though, it didn’t annoy you. It made you nervous, as you twisted & turned in your bed.

‘I told you why.’

You said softly, surprised at the tone of your voice.

‘Let me come over there & change your mind.’

‘I..I don’t know, Jude.’

He gripped a nearby pole harshly at the way his name sounded in your voice. 

‘Tell me, do I make you nervous?’

The accent was thicker now, making him even sexier. Making you bury your head in the pillow.

‘The situation makes me nervous.’

‘But me too?’

A pregnant pause. Then, a faint whisper.

‘Yes.’

‘I won’t do anything you aren’t ready for - trust me. Heck, knowing you, you’d probably kick me out naked if I try anything like that.’

You sighed into the pillow, and had no idea what these sounds were doing to him.

‘Aren’t you curious? Haven’t you pictured us together in bed, naked & wrapped around each other? Coz that’s all I have been doing since morning.’

‘Jude….please..’

‘Think of it as an adventure, yeah? A weekend in Ibiza that both of us would remember. We are wasting precious time, baby girl. Please, just please let me come to you right now & show you a good time.’

He had laid all his cards on the table, and waited for your response. Like it was judgement day.

You breathed heavily into the pillow, as you arrived at your decision.

‘Not tonight.’

‘WHAT?’

‘Not tonight.’

You could hear him breathe raggedly at the other end.

‘So, tomorrow then?’

‘I…don’t know, not yet.’

‘You are seriously gonna leave me hanging like this?’

‘I am sure you can find ways to distract & humour yourself in the meantime.’

More heavy breathing from him.

‘Are you a professional torturer of some kind? If not, you are in the wrong line.’

‘Thanks for the suggestion, I will think about it. Now, go back to your party.’

‘HANG ON. Are you for real?’

‘Very much. Now, be a good boy & let me think, yes? Bye, Jude.’

You blew a kiss into the phone & disconnected it, leaving him squirming & stunned at the other end.

................................................................................................

Hoping and praying this delivered the tension & takedown you all so vociferously wanted :))

There will be a Part 3 and I swear it will have smut 😂

Feel free to drop in your asks / suggestions for the next chapter - I moulded this chapter on the overwhelming sentiment in the asks :)

[kozachenko]

(Click the image for better quality)

Yipeeee that Keiki and Mayumi fanart I posted the WIP of is finally done woooo- This piece was a very experimental one that I'm kind of OK on. Maybe because I've just gone insane looking at it for so long and I'm my own worst critic lol.

Artist's Notes;

So I've once again been playing around with my rendering style, mainly because I have been wanting to improve my lighting for a while now and as I was just scrolling through Tumblr, I saw some of the official art for that one webcomic-turned-animated-TV-Show Lackadaisy and was immediately inspired. I also have seen a technique a few times in the past where the lineart and shading are merged together, so I've been meaning to try that for a little while.

I did some experimentation on this one sketch of Keiki I posted in my sketch dump and I really liked the results of it, so I carried those over to this piece.

I ended up scaling up Keiki and Mayumi from the original WIP because I felt like they were both getting lost in the composition, and I'm glad for that because I think it works a lot better. I'm not a fan of how Mayumi's sword turned out at all, but it's not really meant to be the focus of the piece so eh. Overall, I think I could do better with my colours, probably because with Keiki and Mayumi's colours, I did them flat in greyscale and then used a brush on the overlay blend mode to colour all of them over, after which I changed the base layer for their colours from white to yellow and then lowered the opacity so it all went together better. I also decided to use gradient maps for a lot of the background elements, mainly to experiment with getting in my values first to make them pop out more. I ended up finding a really nice sky gradient on Clip Studio Paint that I really liked, and that kinda helped to establish the colour scheme of the background a lot. I think the whole "start in greyscale then colour" thing really works better with painterly styles rather than more illustrative ones, and while it is good at making sure your values are more readable, I honestly don't think I have the skill level to pull that off yet. Honestly, I think I've been looking at this drawing too long or maybe I added too much to it, but I wish I could've made the colours less monochromatic, but I'll just save that for the next piece I do.

I do love how the flame (...well it's more of a weird space rift than anything in this piece) and the lighting turned out, those were fun to do. I was initially struggling with the flame and how Mayumi is positioned in front of it before realizing "Oh wait! This is a weird abstraction of a weird creature! I don't have to follow the laws of anatomy!" and just dislocated it's flamey bottom jaw from the main body. I also changed the colours of it since I was really not liking how incredibly bright it was when it had lighter colours. Again, the gradient maps served the more painterly style of the flames well.

I also love how Mayumi turned out. I could do her sleeves better but that's more of just me needing to study how those types of sleeves fold in that position more. I'm also very happy with the posing, the technique I used for that was taking photos of myself in the positions I wanted, blocking in the silhouette and then modifying that by adjusting it to my lines of action that I drew on top of the original photos, and then sketching over the silhouettes and drawing in the shapes of the hands overtop of the photo if I needed to get the fine details right. As for what I do to take the pictures myself, I use a tall chair I have, prop up my phone with a phone stand, put on a ten second timer and scramble to get in position. Yes, I did have to use a bunch of thin markers I had to try and get the hand positioning on Keiki's pose right, yes I do have a fake sword that I used to get the positioning of Mayumi's arms and hand right, the sword was for an old Halloween costume from several years ago. I really like how both Keiki and Mayumi turned out in this drawing, I'll have to play around with these designs for them more in future drawings.

Also, if you wanna know why I draw buildings like that, when I watched Fantasia 2000 as a kid (One of the Disney movies where they make really beautiful animations to classical music) the way they drew the buildings in the first few sections Rhapsody in Blue segment (the jazz one with the cities) changed my brain chemistry and now whenever I need to draw buildings really quickly, I refer back to that. Since the buildings aren't really the main subject, I didn't put much thought into them.

As you can tell I am very tired of this piece, mainly because I made things harder for myself by overcomplicating the process compared to what I usually do, mainly with the whole "starting in grayscale then adding colour." I'd honestly just prefer having a black layer set to colour that I can just toggle on and off when I need to see the values, but it was good to experiment. And that was mainly the point of this whole drawing, to experiment. I'm definitely going to have to play around with this new style I'm going for, mainly because I liked how it turned out a lot in the augmented Keiki sketch, and also because I want to find ways of making it suit my style more. I also really want to keep experimenting with my lighting like this, it's very fun. Last but not least I am never starting in greyscale again because dear god I do not like the workflow it forced me into. I don't have a problem with the method itself it's mainly just a skill issue lol.

If you wanna read my headcanons for these two, I put them in my WIP post, so you can read them there if you want to. The more I look at this the more I prefer the simplicity of my WIP. I might go back to this and just take away the fancy colours and effects to see what it looks like without all of that stuff and reblog this post with that drawing, but for now, I don't think I can look at this drawing again for a while.

[youreaspecialflower]

It is with great hesitation that I seek entrance into tgirl rummy tuesday. I've spent a lot of time unwell and uneasy about my body and my weight, and have only recently been able to think about it without full panic in my mind. It really hit me last night when I saw a picture of myself from 2018, when I was at my thinnest, and realized "oh, she was fucking struggling". I have for a long time idealized the suffering I went through then as virtuous, moral, and something to strive for, and all the weight I've gained since then as this all encompassing shame that is so painful I cant even hold in my head long enough to interrogate. And it's only been a day but hopefully this is a watershed moment in my journey of healing and self love. I still massively struggle with negative thoughts and negative self image, and my roommates have to hide their scales from me, but fuck it. Here I am in my swimsuit, tummy out, for what may be the first time in a long time online. Maybe some girly girl hype will help me out on this journey.

[the-sappho-of-lesbos]

Hey, I really like your blog and your thoughts, and I want to ask if you maybe have any advice on how to deal with body dysmprphia as a lesbian? Some context: I live in a very homophobic country, so I have no irl or media representation and I'm also a virgin in my mid twenties (I'm very introverted, was suicidal and again the society here is very homophobic, it's not a western country), and I'm gnc/butch (idek if I can call myself that with how my body looks like) and that's where it mostly stems from. All the images of such women I find online are of tall women with strong features, and I'm just the opposite of that; essentially baby-faced, fairly short at 162cm and have the smallest hands an adult woman can have. I quite frankly can't imagine any woman ever finding me attractive or sexy, it feels like all I see online is lesbians laughing at such appearances. I feel so pathetic and ugly, I can't stop comparing myself, especially my height and hands, to just random women on the streets; and they all look like normal women with normal hands and not whatever the fuck I have. The thing is, I can do quite a lot of stuff with my hands but it doesn't help me hate them less for how they look. Not to mention how many women I see online also hate themselves for these same things (I can't count how many times I saw women say they hate being short, and especially other gnc women which just hurts so much) and how it's such a big physical disadvantage. Whenever I see feminists encouraging women to take sports, all I think is "they think I'm weak bc I don't have that body type for sports and I will just fail". I know it's on me... I know it's all stupid. But I genuinely can't stop comparing myself and finding myself always weak and pathetic. And yes I do exercise and go on walks regularly.

Unfortunately I can't financially afford a therapist so that's not an option. Are there any strategies that don't involve looking at pictures of other women? It makes me feel worse even if they look kinda like me. Sorry if this is emotional, I don't want to have it look like I have certain types of women. I don't and I know they have struggles too.

Sorry this took me a while to get to. I wanted to give myself time to think on this response because you deserve that ♥️

I want to say sorry for how much you seem to struggling and how much it’s impacting you. I know this can’t be easy at all. I wish I had a solid answer for all this but sadly I don’t. And some of my suggestions might sound a bit stupid or hypocritical since they are coming from me and I’m not the best at leading by example. But I still want to do my best to try and help you a little with this ♥️

Firstly ! Butch women come in allllll shapes and sizes and they are genuinely all beautiful and handsome in their own way. There is no one standard way of looking butch. I think it’s a very common insecurity a lot of butch women have. My gf struggles with it too. She’s had people call her not butch , she goes through phases of feeling as though she isn’t big enough or strong enough to call herself butch. She gets worried others might recognise her as butch. She’s also super similar to you in height!

Body images issues and insecurities around ones appearance are so hard to deal with , especially when it feels like the world is telling you that you are right. I remember feeling very similar before I had sex (hell I feel that way now still !) or when other people hate features on themselves that I have in common with them. I also understand feeling lost with what others suggest when it comes to sports or lifting weights. I also hate doing those things and try my best to go on walks. I think it’s important to find things that you enjoy, not things that hate and have to force yourself to do, because it can build resentment towards yourself when you don’t end up looking the way you want. I don’t think it makes you weak and pathetic at all to struggle with. Genuinely I don’t. The mind is such a powerful thing , our own anxious thoughts are such powerful things.

I’m sorry that seeing pictures of other women like you doesn’t help - though I will say if that ever changes you are more then welcome to DM me or send another anon (if you are comfortable) with a rough area of where your country is and I can do my best to track down some history and photos to share.

But in the meantime since that’s not an option let’s brainstorm together!

I’ve personally found acceptance therapy a very helpful tool (and you don’t need to see a psychologist for that , there are resources online and if you like or need I can try and link some for you) but I also know it’s a very hard thing to start when you are suicidal. I was VERY resistant to it at first because it felt like I was just being pushed to accept I was ugly and nothing would get better. It isn’t that but it can feel like it when in those headspaces. But I do genuinely believe it’s a good point to start in healing.

Another thought is maybe , for five minutes everyday , you could engage in something that interests you that’s create and positive. I’m normally a massive advocate for being emo when it comes to creative stuff but I think forcing the brain to do and be around positivity is something that can really help. Be it drawing , cooking, crafts , writing etc. Obviously you can do more time but starting with small goals can be good. I think if you start getting your brain out of the fixation on your body and into other things it might help relieve some of the sticky thoughts. Make then less heavy and easier to detangle yourself from.

I know it’s easier said then done and it’s something I’m abysmal at so I know I’ll sound like a hypocrite, but trying to find the good and worthwhile traits about yourself outside of your appearance is also good. Because we aren’t defined by our looks. Our value doesn’t come from our looks. I know it can be hard to see those good things in ourselves sometimes so I’ll start you off: just based on this message I can tell you are emotionally intelligent, tenacious and considerate of others. All absolutely BEAUTIFUL traits ♥️

Also with your comment about what others find attractive online - you are right. Sadly there are a lot of mean spirited people in this world who use the internet as an outlet to put people down. It’s horrible and it’s unfair and I’m so sorry you have been exposed to others doing that and it has affected your self esteem so much. It shouldn’t be that way. I know it might be hard to believe and see, but I can promise you more people in this world are kind then they are mean. You ARE attractive to someone. Our self perceptions also aren’t always the best. I find myself genuinely hideous , but I know someone doesn’t. I know it’s the same for you - someone finds you beautiful, because you are just what they are looking for.

Also I don’t think you are hating on other women and it’s okay to be emotional. These are all big and hard feelings. I’m just proud of you for reaching out , I know it’s never easy. I’m sorry if I wasn’t able to help at all - but keep an eye on the comments! Someone else might have some good advice to help you.

I’m sending you so much love and I hope you have a day that is as wonderful and beautiful as you are ! 🫂♥️

[donnerpartyofone]

anon here who feels a great kindred spirit with you, maybe one day i'll have the guts to message not anonymously but frankly i really admire you and also struggle with the mortification of putting myself out there directly it may be one day but not today. ANYways. just saw your post re: the knee-jerk reaction of ppl to say something like "no! everyone is special (or beautiful/smart/talented/etc.) in their own way!" when you or i tries to acknowledge something that is real to us and that affects our day to day life. ive touched on stupidity before bcuz that is something that you've articulated better than i ever could but you were talking in that post a little more specifically abt physical beauty and i do think theres something to be said there for usamerican individualism. bcuz ive heard a lot that other countries/cultures find our particular brand of individualism to be weird to say the least. and i have, for most of my life (and this is true now), had a body that has been perceived as very desirable (eg. skinny, but still have tits and an ass, proportionally "good", etc.) but my face i have always known does not live up to beauty standards. bcuz of this, ppl closer have had a hard time understanding why i struggle so much with self esteem related to my looks and have often jumped to "but youre so pretty!" when i try to talk abt it. the outside of this is that i look like a child in the face and am often mistaken for a child even at 28. when i was an actual child, read: 18 and under, i received a LOT of attention from men, often men who were old enough to be my father. now that i am not a child that attention has waned, even though i've put on a little weight and my body is frankly more rocking than ever. BUT my face stays unchanged and i think i have so of an uncanny valley effect on ppl now. im bringing all this up bcuz this is another piece of kinship i feel with you: even before i started really paying attention to your posts discussing things, i really admired your selfies bcuz you and i actually look pretty similar, we have the same texture of hair and a similar face. but i have always felt that, from your pictures, you seem much more "in control" of your look than i do. i love your sense of style and i love how you do your brows so dark and dramatic but also seem to wear (as far as i can tell; im not much for makeup so correct me if im wrong) relatively little makeup otherwise. regardless of how you look, you project an image (as always, i know i can only know you parasocially so take this as much or as little as you want to) of someone who knows how they look and how they want to present themselves. i personally keep my head buzzed most of the time, and when i first started doing it, i did it bcuz it meant that no one had any excuse anymore. they had to look at my face and acknowledge my whole bare face with no distractions. it was a way of directing how i was perceived. now i dont know if thats what your brows are to you but ive always thought "wow, the dramatic brow is such a masterful use of makeup and direction". ive always seen the way you present yourself as seeming thoughtfully and well curated, and ive hoped for myself that i could someday present that way. as you can tell, i really admire you lol. hope im not being weird. im not really sure what my point is here but once again you articulated something well that i only have ruminated on abstractly.

i've also been thinking of you bcuz recently i ran up against the old "im too stupid to do this normal thing and now it may badly affect my life" situation: tried to put my tabs on my car and bcuz they were taped to the paper, they just broke into pieces on the tape when i tried to peel them away. so i just panicked and badly pieced them onto my license plate in a way im sure will seem infinitely more suspicious should a cop notice and decide to pull me over. my husband tells me tabs are supposed to do this as an anti theft measure, this is information i somehow missed in my 28 years of life and 12 years of being a legal driver. and if i get pulled over im not honestly sure i know where all my necessary paperwork is and will undoubtedly start shaking from anxiety which also looks suspicious when i try to hand a cop my id and my hand is shaking like a leaf. and i havent been pulled over yet but now every time i drive my car im going to be thinking abt it. god willing the distraction of fear of the unknown wont lead me to crashing my car but thatd be just the thing id do too. just wanted to share bcuz i think youre probably the only person who understands how it feels and bcuz hey, i want you to know youre not the only one out there muddling through life as a series of actions and unforeseen consequences, no matter how foreseen those consequences "shouldve been".

sorry for this long and rambling message. i have no two-ipas excuse this time as its morning here and im stone cold sober (the ipas were the voodoo juice ranger by the way) but you just make me think a lot, and again, i admire you very much. thanks as always and i hope that today is, if not easier on you, at least tolerable in terms of its challenges.

Dearest field correspondent, I wish I had a more thoughtful, interesting response to your kind message, but unfortunately you may receive instead le big rant. I am very low self-control lately and you're all going to have to pay for it! I'm thinking about my 85 year old father-in-law who is still razor sharp and full of energy, and so he is vividly aware of the nearness of death and very anxious about it. At his birthday dinner he started preaching to my husband and me about how you just have to live every minute you've been given to its fullest, and I often think about how he's right and he's wrong at the same time. Like it's patently correct that you should treasure whatever life you're allowed, but I think it would take a mental giant to really do that unless you're just basically a terrific person with few problems. If your personal chemistry makes you feel bad all the time due to circumstances or past trauma or plain old bad wiring, it's really hard to just consciously choose to feel good and be filled with gratitude and slurp all the delicious marrow out of your day. And what if your days don't have that much marrow to begin with? Of course if the Christmas ghosts came and snatched you up and confronted you with the preciousness of the life you are squandering, that you can still redeem if you try, that would change your tune, but it's hard to get that same kind of life-changing effect by just intellectually acknowledging the value of yourself and your time on earth.

(I'm gonna put a break here so I don't eat up everybody's dash, brb)

I was thinking about this, in a way, because somebody just asked me for a head shot for this project I'm on, so I was going through selfies to see if I had anything appropriate, and man was that depressing. Of course Tumblr was serving a jumble of new and old pictures, but some of them looked really good, even recent ones. And I know I wasn't enjoying myself at the time that I took them, any of them. I was just struggling to feel good about myself out of some perverse sense of obligation. I've always had the urge to express something with my appearance, to build up some kind of power and efficacy around what I could do with it, but I never felt anything like that happening. I mean for every selfie that was good enough to post, there are at least 100 I had to throw out that were ugly and embarrassing and more like "the real me". And I know just from living my life that I'm not attractive, my entire social experience does not reflect that of an attractive woman; even among the guys I dated, it's hard to weigh the two who actually liked me against the majority who were just indiscriminately looking for some pathetic specimen to torture and humiliate in order to feel good about themselves.

(And I guess this is TMI but who really cares, I'm sure no one is even reading this, but the irony is that I'm really great in bed. It's a fact. I just love sex and I'm not at all embarrassed about it and I have a knack for getting people comfortable really letting loose and getting to do what they truly want. I know this for sure not only from being in the room, but from detailed postscript testimonials from partners--even the ones who secretly hated me. And naturally that makes me feel pretty good, but it feels incomplete somehow, without the sense of control of my own appearance, without a satisfying relationship to my own body which disgusts me and is constantly causing me unmanageable problems both aesthetic and medical. Like I really want to just crumple it up and throw it in the trash, who fucking cares)

But I see some of those (highly staged, illusory, pain-in-the-ass to shoot) selfies and for a second I'm forced to wonder why that person had to feel so bad about and not have any fun at all, every single day. And now it's extra hard because as I might have said, I've had rosacea for around 15 years, and most of the time it was just a fairly manageable if embarrassing redness, but ever since I took the asthma medication Symbicort for a month this summer, the condition has been progressively deforming. I don't even look the same as I did this fall, and I have no reason to believe things will get better or even level out. Like, this is it. I feel like I don't even have the same skull shape as the girl in these cute pictures from September. I'm stressing myself out wondering about all kinds of procedures I can barely pay for, that could potentially make it worse actually. I'm wondering if I need to quit my public-facing volunteer gig, one of the only things that gives my life meaning, because I'm sick of how red and bloated and wet I look in every single livestream, and I don't like it when I'm occasionally accused of being drunk or I'm randomly told to "calm down" because I looked like I'm panicking even when I'm not. I don't know what to do. I wish I didn't care. But it's tough to look back at old pictures, even just from six months ago, and think Damn I didn't know how much worse things were about to get, I should have live-laugh-loved through every grueling moment of my luxurious mediocrity while I still had it to enjoy!

--On that note there's a certain curse of women who are like, not ugly enough for it to feel like a hopeless case, but who also don't actually have much potential to do anything satisfying with themselves. If you absolutely know that beauty isn't an open road for you, you can choose not to waste energy on that and you can focus on any number of other things that can make your life happy and meaningful; but if you have that nagging suspicion that maybe you COULD be finding exciting ways to express yourself through your looks, then you're dogged by this feeling of dissatisfaction and constantly wondering if it would be better if you just threw in the towel and called yourself ugly so you could stop thinking about it, or if that would be wasteful because maybe something nice would happen if you just made more of an effort, maybe there's still time, maybe you need the right haircut, maybe you need to shake up your wardrobe, maybe you need to learn that advanced hygiene routine that you always found too confusing to master, maybe you just need to get in shape, maybe et al ad nauseum. It would be better not to have to wonder about it all. And of course there's social pressure to maintain ambiguity, especially for women: You're supposed to work really hard to be hot, but you're supposed to act like it's all effortless and also like you have no idea how attractive you are. But you can't be unrealistically humble or people will hate you for that, too--they'll hate you for being dishonest, or they'll give you shit about your apparent self-esteem issues, because somehow that is always everybody's business. You can't win!

You're right that I don't wear much makeup, I really never learned; I never had a mom who was interested in me or the kinds of female friends who help you learn all the pageantry. I wore some makeup for a little while at the end of my 20s because I had to go to my fancy brother's wedding and I was embarrassed about looking raw and dowdy forever in his fancy wedding photos, so I forced myself to learn a few things. But basically I don't want to be bothered, and I enjoy the Joan Crawford brow I do, but that's utilitarian also--if I'm not paying attention I'll rip all the eyebrow hairs out of my face, which is extra embarrassing if it happens in the middle of a work day or something. So now the pencil is essential! And since my face started turning red I usually use some primer and foundation that I really like, although there is very little that keeps my head from looking like a big swollen clown nose, from now on. (All of my minimal supplies are from Make Up For Ever btw, expensive but long-lasting and reliable)

Unrelated but I'm really pissed off that I can't drink anymore, because now it brings on this violent painful flushing, and every time that happens it causes progressive destruction and like, basically every day is worse than the last--which is true anyway about aging, but it's escalated for me. But like, I have severe depression and anxiety and I can't be on any mood medications because they make my tinnitus intolerable, so the only thing I could reliably do for myself was have a little alcohol. Like just half a can of beer would get me through so many tough chores and bouts of mindless fear. And I love wine, I love amari, I love whiskeys, I love esoteric cocktail nonsense, I have a ton of friends from the craft beer world, and now basically there are entire art forms that I can't enjoy anymore, like ever again. And you can bet this is going to affect my relationships. I know people will want to say that's bullshit, quitting drinking is practically always a good thing and your "real friends" will stick with you sober...but that's all pretty hyperbolic. I don't want my life to be winnowed down to only the purest stuff. I don't want this cornerstone of my social and cultural life to be ripped out from under me. I never even developed any bad behaviors to deserve this! And god knows I don't want to have absolutely zero options for calming my nerves. Therapy and yoga and meditation have done nothing for me psychiatrically. I'm just fucked, really, in the dreariest most mundane way possible.

I wouldn't be so hung up on getting drunk and looking pretty if I had some other source of meaning, but it's hard to find that essential driving force when you can't even get through the day's chores like a normal person. I'm on like day 5 of trying to fold my clothes or even just shove them into bags, and I live in terror of the avalanche that is going to happen when one of us needs to get out the bed sheets that I "put away" dangerously in the closet, despite multiple attempts to do it right. I don't drive so you're ahead of me on some level! But I'm 100% positive I wouldn't have understood all that stuff about the tabs, haha. This week I'm seeing my GP and I'm going to ask for a psych referral for evaluations for autism and ADHD. I'm scared that I'm opening myself up to being officially diagnosed as just lazy and negative and then everyone will get to tell me I Told You So about how my only issue is my poor attitude, but I'm sure there's something going on with me, and if it's ADD and god forbid I can get a little medication of some kind that allows me to like wash dishes and do laundry like a normal person without making everything exponentially worse...then, you know, that would be a really big deal. It seems to me that a lot of people are depressed because of some unfulfilled dream they had of being really sexy and cool and talented, or some other superlative--and we usamericans do experience a lot of irrational cultural pressure to be Awesome at something, I'm not looking down on people who suffer from this--but all I want is to like, get on the bus successfully. To not humiliate myself every single time I go to ship a package because I just can't figure out what's going on, yet again. To not be having constant wardrobe malfunctions. To vacuum my house without just mysteriously pushing dirt and hair around into different configurations. To cook a nice simple meal I don't destroy. To have a job again. These are my most treasured fantasies. Maybe if we both put pressure on "the Universe" to "manifest" our dreams this year, then we can have a great 2024!

[dream-meister-translations]

CLOSE UP MEISTER!! SEARLE CHARACTER CARD #2

━

Searle is member of the surfing guild, Passionate Ocean.

The beach they typically use for surfing is now set up with various camera equipment in preparation for Searle's solo photoshoot.

PHOTOGRAPHER : Searle, I'm looking for you to come across all cool and relaxed to match the outfit and atmosphere.

SEARLE : Cool, right… What happens if I'm feeling a little... Nervous?

PHOTOGRAPHER : Are you struggling to picture it in your head? Just close your eyes and take a deep breath!

SEARLE : Okay, okay… Here we go…

PHOTOGRAPHER : Let's imagine that you're in the middle of the cold and dark night sea. All you can hear is the sound of the water flowing and the waves crashing all around you.

SEARLE : ...............

PHOTOGRAPHER : You look up and see the first ray of light shining against the ocean deep and as you do this, I want you to slowly open your eyes.

SEARLE : ...............

EMMA : …There we go!

My eyes met Searle's as they slowly opened and I couldn't help but let out a small gasp.

PHOTOGRAPHER : Yes, that's it, that's so cool! Now, let's do it again, same image, but this time I want your gaze to drift off into the distance.

EMMA : (Searle, I had no idea you could look so…)

I so was overwhelmed by Searle's fragile beauty, that I found my legs moving subconsciously.

EMMA : Whoa!!

My feet were caught in the sand and my body fell forward. Thankfully I managed to catch myself and not drop any of my equipment.

EMMA : (…I think I twisted my ankle… I'll have to check after the shoot…)

PHOTOGRAPHER : Let's take a break for now. Maybe we can try some more looks when we get back?

SEARLE : Yes, sir!

As soon as the shoot is over, Searle comes rushing toward me.

SEARLE : Emma, can you put your hands on my shoulder for a second.

EMMA : You mean like this?

SEARLE : Hold on tight, okay? Up we go!

With one arm around my back, he hooks the other beneath my knees and lifts me up in one single motion.

EMMA : How strong are you!?

SEARLE : I'm not strong. You're just light as a feather~

SEARLE : And I'ma carry you to your seat, okay? So hold tight.

SEARLE : I saw you walking a little strangely. If you force yourself, you'll make it worse.

EMMA : (He must have noticed that I twisted my ankle…)

I feel nervous and can't help but shift at the feel of Searle's strong arms as he carries me over to the parasol to rest up. Searle struggled when it came to taping up my ankle, but it was touching and sweet all the same.

━

That evening, when we were taking down the set after filming.

CREW MEMBER : Oh, God!!

SEARLE : Oops! Are you okay~?

As soon as the crew member's foot got caught in the sand, Searle came to his aid, saving his equipment.

CREW MEMBER : I-I'm sorry… Th-Thank you…

SEARLE : You're welcome~

SEARLE : It's tough walking on a sandy beach if you're not used to it. Even I had a hard time walking on two feet at first!

CREW MEMBER : Walking on… Two feet…?

SEARLE : Yeah, I'm used to walking on my tail fin.

EMMA : S-Searle wait a minute!

I immediately gesture to Searle with crossed fingers.

SEARLE : Oh, right… I wasn't supposed to tell you that…

Searle is actually a mermaid from Lorelei, the land of mermaids.

In order to fulfill his dream of surfing, he acquired human legs, albeit not permanently.

He has to keep his identity a secret from everyone except the members of his guild in order to protect himself from poachers who target mermaids for their rare scales.

CREW MEMBER : Oh, uhm…?

SEARLE : Well, uh, yeah, I guess sometimes I look like this!

SEARLE : S'up, bro! Wah-Hey!!

CREW MEMBER : Uh… What?

SEARLE : Aniki always says that if you're tryna trick someone you should just say 'Wah-Hey!!' and it'll all work out!

SEARLE : So come on, let's say it together~!

EMMA : Did you really have to say it like that!?

SEARLE : Ahahaha, it's okay, it's okay~! See~?

SEARLE / CREW MEMBER : Wah--!! / H-Hey…?

Seeing the two of them raise their hands and cheer like that, I couldn't not laugh.

EMMA : (Living life on the edge, even in a dangerous situation like this… Maybe that's just part of Searle's charm?)

[growinstablog]

People with disabilities are finding empowerment from Instagram communities

When I search for “bipolar mother” on Google Images, I find a lot of women with their heads in their hands, their crying children in the corner. These images actually understate the broader stigma of being a bipolar mother — the stories that I hear daily about interactions between mothers and their families are disheartening. As a bipolar pregnant woman, I was terrified that my first psychiatrist was right when he told me I should never allow myself to get pregnant; he said I might kill my baby.

When empathy and understanding are not part of our daily life, we suffer. But social media has filled in that chasm — and it can provide a lifeline. I don’t drive on freeways, and while getting around Southern California has always been intimidating for me, with an infant it’s become even more difficult. Social media can function as the support group and family that most of us don’t have, or have trouble accessing physically.

While pregnant, I started to follow Elsie Larson’s entry into motherhood on Instagram. Larson is known for her popular DIY blog on “A Beautiful Mess” and for the app “A Color Story.” She adopted a girl with albinism from China named Nova. They painted together, giggled together — they were what I wanted to look like with my little girl. I decided that when I had my baby, I would try to Elsie Larson it and forget about those scary Google images.

I joined Instagram. I didn’t know what typical people were doing there — I saw a lot of pictures of food. But popular hashtags like #disabledandcute and #disabledandsexy mean that a diverse group of disabled people — different genders, nationalities, disabilities — are calling their bodies sexy with the same tag. All of these people are connected by disability.

Michelle Griffith, owner of the Spoonie Sisters shop on Etsy, explains it this way: “Those with disabilities learn what it’s like to live with other disabilities. It’s an amazing supportive community. They truly understand your struggles, victories, frustrations, excitements.”

Hulya Marquardt, a double amputee and course manager, finds a correlation between how many pictures of disabled people one is able to see and the degree of acceptance they embrace. “It becomes normal,” Marquart tells me. “People get used to seeing other people in wheelchairs or with missing limbs.”

Images like these are influential. Kārlis Podnieks, a paraplegic basketball player, was inspired by photos he saw online. “As an athlete, I always have had examples,” he says. “So I try to be that example now. Instagram gives me a way bigger platform to be an example for a bigger audience.”

The dual effect of this dynamic is to simultaneously manifest an actual community — you and I are not alone — and to build self-esteem — you and I are “normal.” A bipolar woman posted on Instagram that she hated taking her medicine. One day later, this started an expanding conversation about how we are all so grateful that bipolar is a treatable disorder, despite the real physical and emotional hassle that taking or changing medicine can cause.

Of course, some people with disabilities are unable to access the internet at all. And for those of us who can, connecting online still has its downsides — social media spaces can be both dangerous and upsetting, and personal boundaries are poorly defined. I get lots of responses to my pictures asking if it’s really true that I’m bipolar and a mother because other users, too, have been warned not to have children.

Recently, I received a message from a woman with bipolar disorder asking if she could also get married and have children. I sent a picture of my baby, asleep on my lap, and told her that I was properly medicated. She sent me a self-harm picture of her wrist with the words: “Look what I did.” I told her that was unacceptable and if she did it again I’d have to report her.

When guys try to hit on me on Instagram, I ignore them at first. But if they continue, I block them. Once I started a conversation about what to do about insomnia. People were chiming in with all the things they do to sleep. But one man — who was mad that I wasn’t following him back — wrote, “Try a shotgun.”

Sometimes people ask for my cocktail of medications so they can be as stable as I am. I’m glad to describe what works for me, but I make it clear that different meds work differently for different people. I always tell them the same thing: this is the best time in history to be bipolar, but it’s just about finding what works for you.

Like Kārlis Podnieks, I’ve wanted to be an example for others since finding this diverse support community. I don’t want to be a victim. My desire to set an example has helped me move away from people who demeaned me (intentionally or not) and spend more time in a more supportive climate, even if the support is digital. My digital spaces help me feel that I’m protecting myself in an otherwise hostile environment.

Elsie Larson is setting an example for me to follow: when she announced that she had been matched with a baby with albinism, the increased traffic to her blog crashed her site. Though she talks openly about albinism and her daughter’s sensitive eyes, no one is obsessed with her daughter’s disability. With every image on Instagram, Larson and Nova normalize it. We’re obsessed with Nova’s sunglasses, her bell-bottoms, and her three stuffed pigs, all named Piggy.

I have experienced what Ben Clark, another person in my online social sphere who calls himself “your friendly paraplegic,” explains this way: “Having the platform to do this has really helped not only others but myself, giving me the opportunity to learn about myself.”

During the terrible days of a med change, I removed myself from my daughter for her safety. I turned to Instagram for support. I didn’t post happy photos to pretend it wasn’t happening. I posted thoughts and images of how I felt in a “bipolar middle” — the middle of a potential relapse. I showed what my house looked like during a recovery and a list of my med-change mistakes, and I talked about what I should have done differently.

The irony is that the digital world feels more real to me than the real world has ever felt — this digital world includes so many of us, and it shows our strengths and helps us deal with our weaknesses. I have found not only friends on Instagram but collaborators as well. I’ve asked people to be a guest on my blog and sell “Meet My Meds” T-shirts, which list the medications that help make us who we are.

Knowing that I’m part of this becomes a touchstone, something I can rely on when I’m feeling great or not so great. No matter the time or day of the week, I can find someone going through something similar to what I’m going through. A comment on a picture or a direct message starts a dialogue. This centers me — it helps me be honest about who I am, and about what I can and cannot do every day.

I can’t wait for everyone to catch up and learn from us. I long for the day when a Google search offers images of a “bipolar mother” in the same context as a “working mother” or “CEO mother” or “astronaut mother.” After all, the moon is within our reach.

This article by Rae Rose was originally published on How We Get To Next, a non-profit project interested in exploring the intersections between science, technology and culture, and how those things are changing the future. Follow them on Twitter,  like them on Facebook, and subscribe to their newsletter.

https://growinsta.xyz/people-with-disabilities-are-finding-empowerment-from-instagram-communities/

[endingwari]

Dreams

I just recently wanted to post online every dream I had and this is the second one that I wanted to post, the first one is 'Husband'. If you found this post, I hope you share yours too and feel free to translate whatever my dreams says. ♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡ 'Demon'

I will never forget this dream because it marks the first time I experienced sleep paralysis.

I found myself in the center of nothingness, devoid of furniture or any sign of life. It was silent except for a soft, rhythmic beeping - 'beep' 'beep' - reminiscent of a lifeline machine in a hospital. Suddenly, the scene shifted to a hospital ward.

In real life, my friend was scheduled for an operation the next morning, and in this dream, I saw her lying in bed. As I observed, a dark shadow began to show above her. I tried to picture it, but my eyes failed me, closing involuntarily instead of just squinting.

When I opened my eyes again, a demon loomed over her! It appeared as a shadow, devoid of the typical horns and tails we associate with such beings, but its bloodshot eyes were unmistakable. Its focus seemed fixed on my friend, and I shouted, 'Stay away from her!'

The demon turned its attention towards me, flying at me and pinning me to the floor. It had no words, but I could clearly see its features up close - its skin resembling a charred log. Growls emanated from it as it smiled maniacally. I struggled to free myself but found my body immobilized.

Desperate to get out of this dream, I managed to glimpse my room with half-closed eyes, still fighting against the 'demon's' grip. It whispered to me, its voice husky and barely comprehensible, 'I will take you as a replacement for your friend.' Though I couldn't speak, I refused to surrender. 'Lord, please help me,' I silently pleaded.

'You cannot win,' it taunted.

'Rebuke,' I thought desperately.

'In Jesus's name! I rebuke you, evil!!'

"REBUKEEEE!!"

With that cry, I finally spoke and woke up from the terrifying nightmare, waiting anxiously for the sun to rise.

Since that experience, I've had numerous episodes of sleep paralysis. Each one brought its own horrors - from a grim reaper seeking to claim my soul to other malevolent entities. Yet, with each encounter, I grew more resilient. I can now say I am well-experienced and unafraid of facing it again in the future. ♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡ This happened during my darkest times in high school, and so far, this is the dream that felt the most real to me. I checked on my friend the next day, and her mom said her operation was a success. And this year, 2024... she's now healthy and living her best life. P.S. The image that I inserted is not really how the demon in my dream looks like—it is just AI-generated.

[finelinevogue]

can you do something where y/n and harry are looking through photos with one another please?

god this has been too long i apologise!! okay!! hope this is at least kind of what you wanted, enjoyyy;

You laughed to yourself as you scrolled past another photo.

Whilst Harry had been in the shower, you had decided to hop onto his phone and stalk through his photos. Harry was very relaxed about you going on his phone, just as you were with him on yours, because you both had a deep rooted trust between you.

Recently, you’d become really sentimental over the past. You’d started a new job and were making a real income now, only having worked part-time previously, and Harry was about to start on his 3rd world tour. The future was creeping up on you far too fast and the present was too real, so you wanted to just reminisce on the times by which everything seemed a little easier and maybe a little brighter.

The current photo was one of Harry sat on a bench by Brightons’ beach, where he was laughing because a seagull had just swooped an stolen all the ice-cream off the top of his cone. The memory was only from 3 months ago and yet it felt like a lifetime ago - it made you frown at how cruel time was.

“Hey, what’s got you frowning, love?” Harry sauntered into the room, towel hung low on his lips so you could see his v-lines very nicely. His hair was wet and messy, yet he still managed to look effortlessly put together. Every time you saw him you struggled to believe he was actually yours. He pouted because you were.

“Just upsetting myself by looking through old memories.” You wafted your hand at him, as if to tell him it was nothing and he had no reason to worry but that wasn’t enough to settle Harry.

He walked over to the bed and climbed on to it, making sure the towel didn’t expose all his bits since the blinds were open and unfortunately the windows were that huge that someone standing on the other side of the country would be able to see you. He sat up against the headboard and pulled you over into his arms, your legs twisting together in their familiar formation. His arm snaked around you and kept you close for mutual comfort.

“Why is it upsetting, hm? Pretty sure all our memories are happy, love.”

“I just get sad looking back on memories that we’ll never live again.” You shrugged your shoulders, not really knowing how best to explain it.

“But we’ll get to make so many new ones.” Harry said, but you weren’t convinced and he could tell so thought it best to stick with you and do this the way you’d set out to do, “C’mon, let’s have a look at these, hey?” He tapped on the side of his phone and you unlocked it before clicking back in the album of you both. He’d even labelled it;

‘my happy album’

It was just filled with pictures of you, sometimes you and him and then even sometimes just pictures of him if it had a meaningful story behind it, but mainly photos of you.

You spotted a photo of you both that sent you back only a couple of weeks ago. It was a photo of the photos you’d taken in the photo booth at Urban Outfitters. You’d wanted new hoodies and Urban was always the place to go for them, so whilst Harry treated you to a couple you treated him to a few rounds of captured memories in the photo booth. They ranged from you kissing each other to you pulling your middle fingers out on the camera. You just remembered how much of a god day that was.

“I still need to wash out that stain in the hoodie actually.” You said, the photo reminding you of the chore you needed to do.

“Still? Y/N, baby, it’s been 3 weeks.” Harry laughed at you, remembering you’d put the hoodie on straight after you’d come out of the shop and only to spill soy sauce on it 15 minutes later when you went for lunch at Yo-Sushi!

“Was too busy wearing your hoodies I forgot that one existed.” You cringed at whether that stain would even come out now after all that time.

“Y’pest!” He squeezed your side playfully and you laughed before returning your attention back to the photos, starting to forget the worries of earlier and completely forgetting that you needed to wash that jumper.

The next photo was another of the both of you. It was a selfie and you smiled warmly at the memory attached to it. Harry was kissing you cheek as your face was scrunched up in a smile at the camera, both of your stood in front of a sign that read ‘Sold’ which was in front of your, now, house. That was such a huge achievement for the both of you and the excitement of that day was truly second to none.

“Still our biggest achievement, hey?” You asked Harry rhetorically, but he answered anyways.

“Not mine.” You furrowed your eyebrows in confusion. This house purchase had meant everything to you and you thought it had for him too.

“Wh— I don’t understand?”

“You will when you have a rock on your ring finger.” Your eyes widened to his words and you turned to look at him.

“Was that…” You questioned him without really asking him anything.

“No baby. You’ll know when i’ve proposed.” He bent over to give your forehead a deserving kiss and you hummed at the contact.

“And that’ll be your greatest achievement?”

“I’ve not decided yet.”

“You’re full of anticipation, aren’t you Styles?” You chuckled, turning yourself back to keep looking at the phone.

“Just full of hope for the future.”

Time froze for a minute as you took in his words. Harry made you realise, with one sentence, that the future was nothing to be scared of. It was waiting for you to do something so special and crazy with it - it hadn’t planned anything for you yet, only hope that you’d be happy living through it. You sniffled and went teary eyed at the thought, scrolling a little more down the album.

You clicked on a random photo, wanting to see it zoomed in and Harry cooed at the picture. It was a picture of you, laying down on a towel on the sandy beach of Santa Monica and reading your favourite book. You didn’t even know the photo existed until now, but you were happy it did. If you closed your eyes to the image you could feel the warm sand between your toes and the evening sun kissing your skin, as you read over the pages of the book that was worn to pieces it was so well loved.

“I didn’t know you’d taken this!” You exclaimed, turning your head to look up at your gorgeous boyfriend for a split moment and then back to the photo for another glance.

“Couldn’t not. You looked beautiful and just so happy.”

“I was,” you smiled to yourself, before pushing yourself up onto Harry’s chest a bit more and leaning your lips into him, “I am.” You lightly kissed him, teasing him for more. “Always will be with you H.”

“God, I love you Y/N.”

He pulled you sharply down against him, mushing his lips to yours and kissing you breathless. He savoured the sweet taste of your lips and inhaled the soft scent of your rose body lotion. You were an absolute drug to him and he would never be able to give you up. You were completely his, and by the passion within this kiss he knew that he was completely yours too.

[twilights-posts]

Tutoring (Smut)

I've found this on my laptop and wanted to share this with y'all. Please remember, it was originally written in German and translated. Contact me if something doesn't make sense. Thanks!

Summary: You have a history test coming up and Jared decided to help you study. Tough, the only thing on your mind has nothing to do with history.

Tags: 18+, smut, fingering, fem!reader, Jared

We were sitting in my kitchen trying to focus on my upcoming history test. Jared had told me in school that he would help me because history is the most boring thing ever for me. Being in the kitchen together now, though, with his hand on my thigh and his breath on my skin, history was much more exciting.

"The first half of the 19th century saw important social and economic changes that fostered the later industrial boom. One of the most important factors in this was the railroad ..." he told me, and you could see the passion written all over his face. But I switched off at some point and pictured in my mind how his big hand wandered up my thigh, under my skirt and then-

"Are you listening to me?" asked Jared a little louder. With big innocent eyes, I looked at him nodding.

"Of course, industrialization came about because of the railroad," I announced confidently.

"And who invented the railroad?"

"You didn't say."

With furrowed brows I looked at the worksheet, maybe that would give me answers, but all I got were questions.

"Yes, I did," he laughed. I looked up at him smiling, even sitting down he was taller than me. My eyes swept over his face and lingered on his full lips. Images of his lips kissing my neck, my breasts, my nipples and moving lower and lower, um....

"You're so absent today, what's going on?" he snapped me out of my fantasies again. Smiling, I shook my head, not letting on that he had a lot less clothes on in my head.

"Nothing, it's all good. It's just history," I said lightheartedly, contorting my face to let him know how averse I was to the subject. He nodded slowly, not seeming to believe me.

"You know you can tell me anything, right? I'd love to help you or even just listen. Just tell me what you need," Jared expressed lovingly, stroking my thigh with his hand. My skirt pushed up slightly as a result. He's so sweet, if only he knew that the only thing I needed right now was his tongue on my clit.

I smiled broadly at the thought, leaned over and gave him a chaste kiss on the cheek.

"I'm fine, I just need a break," I whispered to him. Light-footed, I jumped off the stool and walked over to the fridge. That's when I got the idea to heaten him up a bit so we could get away from studying.

I looked over my shoulder at him and asked if he wanted a drink. There was no need to grab the soda from the last compartment, but it gave him a chance to peek under my skirt. Since I was wearing shorts underneath anyway, he wouldn't see too much, but he wouldn't need to for now.

When I turned back to him, he looked up shamefully. I pretended not to notice and held the can out to him.

"Do you need a glass?"

"No, I'm good."

I tried to jump casually on the counter, but I had overestimated my weak arms and was struggling badly. Jared chuckled as he watched me do it.

"Need a hand?" he finally offered.

"Please."

He stood up, took the few steps to me, and grasped my waist. With ease, he lifted me up and set me down. Jared continued to stand in front of me, looking at me with amusement. I recognized the affection in his eyes, could only smile because of it.

"Maybe you should work out more," he suggested after a few seconds.

"If you help me with that," I said absently. Right now my hormones were going crazy and I just wanted to kiss him. My legs wrapped around his waist and pulled him closer to me. If only there were less clothes ...

Jared swallowed nervously. My hands stroked through his hair, finding their place on his neck. I moved closer to his face, anticipation flooding me. His dark eyes looked at me expectantly. A mischievous smile was on his face.

Just before our lips touched, he pulled back slightly.

"You know I've been dreaming about this."

I smirked at this confession. I hadn't been expecting that.

"Oh yeah, about what exactly?", I probed.

Jared leaned forward, past my face, and ran his nose up the curve of my neck.

"I dreamed about your legs wrapped around my waist."

"What else were you dreaming about?"

"how I' m pushing up that stupid skirt of

yours," he murmured against my ear, pressing his lips behind it.

I exhaled shakily, the throbbing inside me making itself known, and I could feel myself getting wet at the idea.

"It's my favorite skirt," I still tried to answer casually. He chuckled lightly.

"You can leave it on while we do it."

My eyes closed and I imagined how he would take me while I had only the skirt on. At this point I didn't need any foreplay, but he was about to suck on the delicate spot on my neck, so I didn't stop him.

His hands went under my skirt and stroked through the shorts over my most sensitive spot. He took his time, doing everything gently and carefully, but I had no patience for it and certainly no time. My parents would be home in thirty-four minutes.

I pulled his face up and pressed my lips to his. Greedily our lips moved together, soon I felt his tongue and sighed pleasantly. Jared slowed down the kiss, but not the intensity. It was as if we hadn't seen each other in days. He was visibly enjoying the moment. The hand that wasn't fridging me through my pants cupped my breast. His thumb circled around my nipple. Sometimes he pinched them through the shirt, then stroked them apologetically.

Jared never struck me as the ladies' man, but he obviously had experience.

As the pressure on my shorts increased, I moaned softly. After I released his lips, he stepped back a bit. Both hands went into the waistband of my shorts and pulled it down along with the briefs. I lifted my hips to help him. As promised, he left my skirt on.

His fingers stroked up my calves, snaked up the inside of my thighs, and paused at the hollow between my leg and hip.

I pulled back briefly to look him in the eye.

"Would you wash your hands first?" apologetically, I stroked his shoulders. I was afraid of ruining the mood or having to explain myself. He just nodded and went to the sink. Relieved, I leaned back on my arms. When Jared turned back to me, I opened my legs a little wider. He stopped and eyed me.

Challenging 'em, I spread them open wider, his view blocked by the skirt, but not diminishing the effect. I noticed the bulge in his pants and felt bad for not giving him any attention so far.

"Come here.", I said softly and extended a hand to him. Without further hesitation, he was back within my reach. I pressed my lips to his neck now and ran my hand down to his penis. Stroking over the shorts, I lightly nibbled at his skin. In turn, he stroked the inside of my thighs. He was damn close to my private parts. Unlike him, I wasn't as patient and was about to pull his pants off.

Surprised, I looked up at him as he put his hands on mine to stop me.

"Not yet:" was all he said. His voice was unfamiliar smoky, but led to more tingling sensations in my bottom.

Jared furrowed two fingers over my labia and distracted me with a gentle kiss. Agonizingly slowly, he ran his fingers once around and past my pleasure spot.

"God, you're so wet," he gasped. I resisted the urge to grimace.

"I don't like that kind of dirty talking," I explained to him carefully.

"Oh, okay. What kind then?" He looked at me intently, but the movements of his fingers distracted me somewhat. It seemed like he was looking for something-

"How about we focus on one thing first."

I kissed him again, because we were good at that. Along the way, my hand wrapped around his and guided him firmly to the point where I needed him. Almost immediately, his finger began to gently draw circles.

"Right there.", I sighed against his mouth and dropped my head onto his shoulders. Jared's other hand continued up and down my thigh. I now had my arms around his neck, so he could work undisturbed.

He was consistent and patient. I had already noticed this in the last few weeks of our relationship, but now I really realized the importance of these qualities. As if on their own, my legs spread out, so he could have better access. I exhaled shakily, my body yearning for more. Without further thought, my hand settled over my chest and took attention to it.

"You like that?",

I heard Jared ask hesitantly. I just nodded, too caught up in the pleasure to answer. Slowly, Jared increased the pace and his grip on my leg tightened. My moans were muffled by his shoulders. I felt like my body was burning up, and I longed to cool down. The grip around my chest became rougher, and I left my other hand on the back of his neck, pulling him down to me.

"Faster.", I mumbled before eagerly capturing his lips. This kiss was not patient and gentle, but dirty and greedy. At one point, I felt his teeth. Jared was no longer drawing circles, but making frantic and choppy movements. I quickly corrected him and groaned loudly as he found the right pace.

"Fuck, yes," I gasped. My hips had taken control and were meeting his movements. I took turns massaging my breasts, getting closer and closer to my climax. My legs tightened, my hand dug into his hair, and I was no longer able to concentrate on kissing him. Instead, he leaned his forehead against mine.

"Open your eyes, look at me," I heard his voice through the rapidly rushing blood.

It wasn't easy for me, but I looked up at him with half-open eyes.

"You're so beautiful, you know that?" He slowly increased his speed, causing my eyelids to fall shut. Groaning, I submitted to the feeling.

"No, open your eyes and look at me while you come," Jared murmured. I bit my lips as I looked into his eyes. He nodded and smiled proudly.

"Yeah, just like that. Now you can come."

As if my body had just been waiting for it, my muscles contracted internally, and I let out a long-drawn-out moan. My hand had tightened around my breast; it was painful, but a good kind of pain. Jared's gaze held me captive the whole time he was doing this.

After I came down from my climax, I dropped my head to his shoulder and leaned against him.

"We should go upstairs."

[fondwand]

I'm enraged. I'm actually enraged. So understand that that's fuelling this rant and I'm really sorry if this comes off as condescending or preachy or whatever, but I've just come across an article talking about Taylor Swift's anti-hero video, criticising her for the scene where she's on the scale and the scale reads 'fat'.

'Taylor saying that her worst nightmares or intrusive thoughts is the scale saying she is fat is incredibly damaging to actual fat people' ' Having an eating disorder doesn't excuse fatphobia. It's not hard to say, 'I'm struggling with my body image today' instead of I'm a fat, disgusting pig.'

Now, please please do chime in with your thoughts on this, but as someone in recovery from ED, someone overweight, I read this and felt sick. Actually sick. I absolutely understand the effect fatphobia has on the world and that its disgusting, but you cannot fairly criticise someone artistically representing their Eating Disorder as fatphobic. Anyone who knows a lot about eating disorders will know that one of the hardest things about advocating for EDs is that people don't understand them, that they dismiss them, that they don't want to talk about them. despite them being the deadliest mental health issue and incredibly prevalent, with almost universal broken amd underfunded and unresearched health care when it comes to treating them.

it is incredibly helpful for celebrities with ED experience to talk about their issues, especially when those celebrities have been glorified for their bodies. when Taylor was struggling with her ED, I was a teenage swiftie also struggling with my own ED. I would constantly see pictures of her and hate myself for not being skinny enough. when taylor first talked about her ED in 'miss Americana' I cried. Becuase she was clarifying that the body I had envied was unnatural, that she had suffered just like me to maintain it, that it wasn't ever something to be glorified or desired. I couldn't believe that Taylor had been through the same thing I had been through. Because no one talks about Eating Disorders. no one talks about how they take over your life. regardless of how famous or how admired or what size your body is. no one talks about this horrible, overwhelming disease that overtakes people. but Taylor, and fellow celebrities who have talked about their experiences, made me feel less alone for having experienced this.

THE NEXT PARAGRAPHs HAS POSSIBLY TRIGGERING DESCRIPTIONS OF ED BEHAVIOUR

and part of the experience of some ED's is the cruel, intrusive, obsessive thoughts. which are part of the disease, I cannot emphasis that enough. the horrible thoughts are a symptom of the disease, not a moral choice of the sufferer. eating disorders are not 'struggling with body image', they're a disease. I say this with hope that you will treat me with understanding, but I cannot begin to tell you the horrible and cruel thoughts that I have had about myself and others relating to weight while experiencing my ED. things I would never think while healthy or never ever accept myself or others saying aloud. these intrusive thoughts are part of an ED, they're part of the loss of control that someone with an ED experiences. I used to feel like I had two people inside my head, my eating disorder and myself. for a while my eating disorder was the loudest voice, and it wasn't interested in the social politics of the body positivity movement. it wanted me dead. it would do anything, say anything, be as cruel as it needed to be, as long as I kept being sick with it. I used to weigh myself multiple times a day and cry and have panic attacks about any fluctuation. the idea of being called fat or being associated with fatness would send me into a meltdown. this was despite thinking that fat people, and the many fat people in my life, were beautiful and valid and needed no change at all. what Taylor is representing is accurate to many ED sufferers lives and I felt validated when I saw it.

I know that people will agree with some of what I've said, but then say, oh, Taylor didn't need to show it. yes she did. eating disorders need to be represented, represented accurately with all of their thorny and ugly parts, because they thrive on shame and silence. people experiencing or recovering from EDs do not need to be shamed for the thoughts and fears that they had no control over, and they don't need to shut away their experiences never to be talked about again because their experience happened. it happened and it happened in silence. but if we break the silence it might not happen for someone else, it might be just a little better for those who come next. there will be people with eating disorders, or on the path to eating disorders, who will know that best-selling incredibly famous beloved Taylor swift understood their struggle and went through it as well, and that she was so much happier when she was out of her suffering. that she had the same thoughts they did, but she got better.

to try and hold a mental illness to the standards of twitters morality policing is to fundamentally misunderstand mental illnesses. a mental illness isnt going to act the way you want it to. its just going to act the way it is. you can't pit ED awareness and body positivity against each other. it isn't fair. there has to be space for both to share their experiences and understand each other.

honestly it all ties in to the idea that people will advocate for mentally ill people, right up until the moment that they do anything mentally ill. mental illness isn't pretty. but it has to be allowed to be represented in art and people need to be able to share their experiences

[1ddiscourseoftheday]

Mon 7 June ‘21

Liam’s podcast with Steve Bartlett is out and while I still don’t care about that guy I’ll give him this-- he does great at getting out of the way and letting Liam talk. And boy does Liam talk! Liam says A LOT and let’s all just pause to send him some big hugs before we get into right? And then look to the future- Liam’s routine is to say ‘things have been terrible but it’s fine, it’s fine NOW’, always, even when that is absolutely obviously not true, and today is no different but for once I actually believe some of his hopeful bits too which is so great! I hope things really are shifting for him and I can’t wait to hear this new song of his. But there’s a lot that’s hard to hear too, oh Liam. He said that he and Maya have broken up (so yes, presumably why he just moved again such a short time after they moved into their haunted house), talked about his struggles with his alcoholism (and said he’s been sober for a month right now, go babe!), shared the usual distressing stories about his time in the band and what that was like for him (and how it still impacts him), and he talked about his new song and how it feels different for him than his past solo music. Truly though there is SO MUCH more than I can get into here or then you can get from the UA highlights- I HIGHLY recommend actually watching at least parts of the video, also because the attempt to summarize so much erases all the charm and humor, of which there is much. If you don’t think you want to watch Liam’s interviews, it has to be because you aren’t watching Liam’s interviews, they’re delightful! Plus really if you care about 1D and want information about what it was like for any of them, listen to Liam, he’s the one who’s out there talking about it.

About Maya he said, that yes, he is now single, and “I’ve just been not been very good at relationships,” and “I’m a proper perfectionist… at the start of the relationship you put out this complete false character like I might as well go in in costume, I’m like putting out something that is not there... kind of like encompassing someone else’s life with your crap rather than just doing your thing and laying out your store from day one. That’s my biggest problem is that I feel like I don’t lay out my store... and then I’m annoyed when they don’t like what I like,” and “I think my problem is I struggle to be on my own sometimes... I dive in and out of relationships too quickly. I’ve not spent enough time on my own to relearn about myself.”

He laughs about his tendency to ask his manager things during interviews; “My fans think that Steve is doing something to me, they’re like liberty for Liam because he always looks to Steve, but that’s because I like him. It’s not because he’s harming me as a person. There’s like a hashtag Liberty for Liam because they think I’m some like prison child,” and he also said “my manager’s my best friend,” (and he’s said in the past he is a big support for him) and mentioned stuff they’d talked about recently around his therapeutic awakenings.

He talked about therapy being something you have to want to do and be ready to do rather than being pushed into, like getting sober, and says that this time around with his own therapy work he’s really felt that and thrown himself into it and he talked a lot about his relationship to therapy in connection with band days. “I mean one of our old managers went to therapy from being a manager of One Direction. So if you can imagine how that feels like the rest of us definitely need some.”

“We were young,” he said, “What I found was I didn’t know I was the boss until like a few months ago, I still don’t even feel like I am now, like I’m such a child. And everyone I work with now is older than me and wiser than me and I’m like what the hell am I doing here with these people. When we were 17 I thought the security guard was like in charge of me so I was like Can we leave the room? No? Oh ok then,” and “when we were in the band, the best way to secure us was just lock us in our rooms. And of course what’s in the room? Minibar. So at a certain point, I thought Well I’m gonna have a party for one and that just seemed to carry on throughout many years of my life... You know I spoke to somebody about this in child development as a teen, the one thing you need is freedom to make choices. That we could do anything we wanted it seemed from the outside but we were always locked in a room at night and then it would be car, hotel room, stage, sing, locked. So it’s like they pulled the dust cloth off, let us out for a minute, but then it’s back underneath again,” and “the day the band ended I was like thank the lord for that. And I know a lot of people are going to be mad with me for saying that, but I needed it to stop. It would kill me.” Anyway, he said, because it wouldn’t be Liam without an upbeat coda, “I don’t want any of this to get lost in translation. I’m not 100% moaning about my life... it’s had its ups and its downs, but I would rather talk about it and it’s therapeutic for me.”

And what about that exciting new song? Liam said, “We have a really cool song in the pipeline... one of the first ones I’ve actually written myself- with some other people, I didn’t write it by myself, but it’s the first one I’ve really liked. And I think I got so used used carting around other peoples songs and not embedding myself creatively in what I do because I was so scared to find out who I was,” and “I don’t really know how I would tour again. I really want to” [on discord today he said he would be touring next year] “I always said throughout my solo career I’d let my song book speak to me. And I don’t think my song book spoke to me to get off my ass. I only became a solo artist because I had Strip That Down. I wasn’t gonna do it, I was gonna leave it alone. I was like, I survived it once thank you very much- but I’m back in now. Because the song, I knew it was right. It felt right with that song, I hadn’t had that. This year, the song we have I feel really really great about. So I’d rather let the music do the talking than me come out and force it. We don’t need any more useless music in the world, it needs to mean something,” and he mentioned the new song on the discord a lot too, most notably picking out a long comment that thanked him for making the fan feel supported and safe and for “putting your heart in everything you do” and for his support of the LGBTQ community to respond to with, “I think you will really like the new song.”

A few other random bits, he said that he thinks there should be a system to make therapy available to musicians in the industry, “I think I’m definitely gonna get a dog because I need routine,” and “I recently started jujitsu,” yeah you and everyone else huh, so do him and Louis and Oli go to the same gym or ???, and he acknowledged that as an addict he may have just transferred that to working out “but there’s a lot worse things to be addicted to then looking after yourself” hmm but he does seem to say that he’s doing better around body image stuff; he talks about having put on weight during lockdown and seeing himself in the BAFTAS performance- “I saw myself... and I was like ‘oh my god I’ve completely let myself go in this’. And it was fine...I feel so much more secure in myself now.” Oh and that he’s written a comedic movie script “based around AA” and his experiences there, such as how “I had a really weird AA experience the first time that I went. My first experience was with Russell Brand.” LMAO yes! Cannot wait, bring on auteur Liam please! Anyway as if ALL THAT wasn’t enough he’s also dove into the lead up to his NFT release; he said “I'm almost ready to share my NFTs with you guys... Who wants to see them?” and posted a tiny preview that tells us its (their?) title for the first time- Lonely Bug.

Niall and Anne Marie perform on Jimmy Fallon tonight, and the hype is already a go! I guess it’s prerecorded, as we’re already seeing pictures from it; they’re singing to each other with the cute car from the video in the background. Niall signed on to a letter to Boris Johnson asking for changes to music streaming revenue rules and signed by 232 artists (including all the artists Johnson recently named as his favorites, haha). Zayn signed on to a Billboard petition to the US senate calling for gun safety laws. The bar Zayn got into the fight in front of posted “Zayn's a regular at Amsterdam Billiards and he is a true gentleman. On Thursday night he was confronted by an inebriated passer-by outside on the street and was called a homophobic slur. We support Zayn & condemn homophobia in the strongest terms!” And also PS omg again because it just isn’t going away: Harry’s beauty company is called Pleased As, his name is Harry Edward Styles so yes when listed last name first, as legal documents do, it spells SHE but it is not a “feminist abbreviation” (WHAT? even??) nor the name of the business.

[captainsimagines]

To Topple A Giant || Chapter One

Summary: You had made it your mission to destroy even the smallest evils. When the opportunity arises to finally take down your own family after years of gaining their trust, you reach for it. And so does Steve, the man who represents a symbol of everything you hate. 

Pairing(s): Steve Rogers x Reader || Avengers x Reader

Part 1 of 10 ~ Mini-Series

Trope: ‘Enemies to Lovers’; mainly angst, mutual pining, fluff, and eventual smut

Warnings: This story contains mature themes and discussions such as extreme canon violence, strong language, emotional angst, mentions of Endgame deaths and recoveries, sexual situations, and emotional/physical abuse. All trigger warnings will be listed before the chapter. This is purely fanfiction. 

Word Count: 4000+

A/N: Ooo, let’s hope this does numbers! I love myself some ‘enemies to lovers’ tropes. It’s been a while since I’ve written Steve fanfics. :)

~

Wakanda, 2018, 4:04 pm.

     The flash of bright white light temporarily blinded you, sending you back to the ground and cupping your face in self-defense. But as quickly as the initial crack, it was over. Eerily silent and loud at the same time. The birds whistled their same tune, some higher-pitched than others. The wind seemed to blow louder, rustling the leaves from the trees and landing all around you and your teammates. 

“Thor?”

You lifted your head at the sound of Steve’s voice and checked if the coast was clear. All that remained of the evil was a new blood-stained hammer - a hammer that Thor was watching intensely, as if the answer lay hidden there. It was the only remnant left and your mind was already wondering how to use it to bring that evil back to finish a fair fight. 

“Where’d he go?”

The birds stopped singing. 

“Steve?”

You whipped your head around at the sound of Bucky’s confused voice, watching as one of your best friends dropped his gun and looked up at Steve as his hands began to disappear. In a matter of seconds, Bucky - or what became of him - fell to the dirt below. No one spoke, and you watched as Steve tried to control his breathing as he took a knee to place his shaking hand over his best friend’s ashes. A life and mind brought out of the darkness to finally amend those knots he had twisted, now ceasing to exist. In the distance you could hear Okoye shout in turmoil and Rocket begin begging. 

“What’s happening?” you finally choked out, turning just in time to see Wanda lift her head to the sky, defeated and out of will, and succumb to the same fate. “No!”

You ran and fell beside Vision’s now gray and decaying body, reaching over and palming through Wanda’s ashes. You rubbed them between your fingers, inspecting them, and brought your hand to your chest. The pit of your stomach churned as you sat there, immobile and numb. 

“Sam!”

So many names were being called but soon everyone who remained fell silent. The trees were still guiding the wind, leaves falling into the ashes of your friends, a sign of a new and unwanted chapter. You felt Steve drop beside you, turning Vision around to see the damage to his body. You winced when you saw the gaping hole in his forehead. 

“What is this? What’s happening?”

Natasha ran to where you were seated, hand over her stomach as if she was ready to vomit. And once she took one look at Vision, that’s exactly what she did. 

You removed your hands from your chest to look at them, the ashes still there and practically mocking you into finally believing this as reality. “Did we just lose?”

Steve was moments away from a full-blown panic attack. He simply looked up at the trees, watching the way the sunlight still burst through with no disruption. “Oh god.”

You caught Steve as he tipped his upper body toward you, wrapping his arms around your waist and holding onto something real. He had to believe you were real. Anyone. And you were the closest person to him. You shut your eyes and held him, running your hands through his hair, wincing when you realized Wanda’s ashes were now on him.

You held him tight, praying to any God you chose to believe in at that moment, that Steve wouldn’t disappear too. 

Unknown Location, 2025, 1:07 pm.

     The air was incredibly musty, as if each person who struggled for breath in this room at one point or another left a piece of their soul floating in search of last minute penance for their sins. And the man in front of you was no different, choking on the purple blood that dripped down his neck and onto his now unbuttoned, white dress shirt. His chest was rising and falling, his breathing becoming less labored with each blink of the eye. His hands were tied behind his back and to the chair he sat on, a flickering light in the corner of the dark, concrete room somehow mocking this man’s last remaining seconds of life. 

“I’m not an evil person,” you started, kicking one of the legs of the chair to startle the poor man. But your guilt was minimal - it’s not like you wanted to do this - but knowing this man did exactly what everyone said he did, hands red and dripping with young blood, you selfishly took pleasure knowing this man would look at you when he died. “It’s just my job as third in command.”

You gave the man a small smile as you bent down to his level, head hanging in shame, slow breaths now pausing in between each intake. You looked to the other party in the room, handing them the gun in your holster, and walked out the room as the sound of two gunshots rang out. 

Left twist. Sting. Breathe. 

You washed away any smell from that godforsaken room, giving extra attention to the roots of your hair and under your fingertips. 

Scrub. Wash. Rinse. Repeat. 

The crack of your neck frightened even you, and you stood under the burning shower for a few more minutes before deciding the sting was enough. You changed into the most comfortable sweats you owned, surprisingly calm for such a gruesome morning you had, and took your time with your skin care routine. 

Circle. Wash. Dry.

Soft music played in the overhead speakers, the classical sounds vibrating from one wall to another and surrounding you with something tranquil - something still. There was nothing to expect from such a sound, only the next repeated chorus, no words or drops - just tranquility. You could barely hear yourself breathe but you were at peace - or mostly - and ready to sooth your growing headache behind the eyeballs with more than just music. You slipped on a pair of comfy, forest green socks and bent them at the ankle to achieve an even fluffier look. You applied your favorite perfume, lotioned up your hands, and donned your tacky friendship bracelet. 

One for you. One for Bucky. One for Peter. And one for Wanda. 

You hummed the whole way to the common room, waving at the morning staff as they fixed lightbulbs, covered holes in the walls, and swept the floors. One muffin and a cup of coffee later, you were resting with your head in Wanda’s lap as she filled your thoughts with your chosen sceneries.

      “I can make you see anything you have already seen, so yes.”

“A miniature golf course, Peter’s high school graduation, a field of all kinds of flowers, and Natasha.”

Wanda stilled her floating hand, smile faltering for a moment before she nodded. “Okay… okay, I can do that.”

     They were images well-drawn out, slow and steady to make the atmosphere similar to when you were actually there. They seemed to float across your vision, comfortable in their positions and radiating the same warmth you had felt the first time around. A moving picture. Wanda really had excellent control of this. 

     “I won!” Sam leapt into the air, pointing at a disgruntled Bucky, who stepped off to the side to not throw Sam over his own head. “I won!”

“How is it possible for you to get a hole-in-one each fucking turn?” Bucky groaned, moping in Wanda’s shoulder as she held him and struggled to keep herself standing from her own intense laughs. 

“I think we got a cheater on the loose,” Steve grinned, pointing at the ring Sam was trying to discreetly tuck back into his pocket. A friendly gift from T’Challa, no doubt. 

“Nuh-uh, give me the fucking proof, Wilson!” Bucky roared, wrapping his arm around Sam’s neck and tugging him forward. “I will not admit defeat if there was foul play involved!”

Sam escaped the hold, climbing onto the rock located to the side of the flag and a sign that read ‘do not climb on rocks’. 

“It just helped me calculate all things geometry, Barnes. We’re good.”

Bucky looked as if he was going to leap on him again, but before he could even finish that thought, Sam slipped on the wet surface and plummeted into the rushing little river. 

Laughter erupted and did not cease until you were escorted out of the fairgrounds by four security guards. 

     A flick of Wanda’s wrist and a new memory began forming, colors blending like an oil painting, dried and covered with a glossy varnish, ready to hang. 

     “Don’t trip on your way up, kid.”

Peter swatted Steve in the side as the super soldier left the room, leaving Peter alone in front of the full-length mirror. He adjusted his tie and tried to lay that pesky dangling strand of hair over the top of his head.

You got up from the couch and made your way over, wrapping your arms around Peter and resting your chin on his shoulder. “You’ll do great. We’re all so proud.”

“It’s just high school…”

You frowned and turned him to face you. “No, you should already be in your second year of college. This is seven years in the making. We are all so proud.”

Peter could feel the slight burn at the corner of his eyes but he swallowed it down, giving you a small smile and a hug. 

“And can you trip? Don’t you stick to all surfaces?”

Peter scoffed and pushed you away, his tiny smile never faltering.

     You could feel Wanda shift her legs underneath you, searching for the most comfortable position as she continued her work. You sighed, already feeling the therapeutic effects. 

     “They’re all so pretty!” you yelled cheerfully, running through the field with your arms extended to the sky. Bucky and Steve followed close behind, leaning down every so often to pluck the flower of their choosing and adding to the bouquet in their hand. 

“Which did Tony prefer?” Steve asked, snapping you from your pollen-filled, ecstatic state. 

“Aesthetic beauty, Rogers! Natasha was a sucker for anything pink and sunflowers.”

Bucky nodded, seeming to take that information into consideration as he plucked the yellow and pink flowers only. Steve chose the most healthy looking flowers, his hand struggling to hold them together as he reached the two dozen mark. 

“I think we’re good. These are good.”

You smiled at both super soldiers and admired their bouquets, leaning over to sniff their masterpieces. “Awesome.”

     Wanda sighed as she neared your last vision, debating on showing you your chosen moment instead of another one. This moment always hurt Wanda as she wasn’t there to witness it, but it was special to you. There were so many others to choose from, but you insisted this was the one you always wanted to see. And Wanda was always hesitant at first - but when she lifted her hand slowly and dropped the memory back into the front of your brain, she couldn’t help but smile. 

     “Are we ready?”

Everyone was practically bouncing on their heels, both excited and terrified. Time travel was new to humanity and you were to be one of the first to experience such a thrill. You were going to get everyone back. 

You squeezed Natasha’s hand once more before you walked back over to Thor and Rocket. You all nodded to each other, saying ‘goodbye’ and ‘good luck’ with your childlike expressions. 

“See you in a minute,” Natasha grinned, her cheeks reddening with a friendly blush as she looked over at Steve. Her hair was pulled back into a braid, a braid you had helped her make, and she was carrying an extra pair of socks in case of a long hike. 

Then a blast of color surrounded your body and the smell of peaches as you landed on Asgard filled your overstimulated senses. 

     You opened your eyes and smiled up at Wanda. You didn’t want to see old memories with your friend, but the most recent. It was like you were grasping onto that last memory of her, not wanting to change anything about her last smile, her last laugh, her last shred of existence. It was oddly calming, and so you hoped Wanda would understand. 

You thanked her again and proceeded to the kitchen. It was bigger than the one before, the soft forest green color of the walls a nice contrast from the blue ones before. You laughed to yourself and your conscience as you silently thanked the explosion that obliterated the horrid blue walls, quickly backtracking at your dumb thoughts. Still, you chose to joke about everything that happened before to avoid falling deeper into yourself. The kettle started howling, smoke circling around the tip. You poured your tea, dropped two cubes of sugar in, and added a little milk. 

It was quite bizarre how quickly you could bounce back from the morning you had. A very bloody, order-filled morning. When one order was given, you had to come up with a plan on how to not disregard the other. You had to listen to Fury and your father, gaining a few feet on each side without toppling the other. Still, it took a physical toll on you. But with Wanda’s help in easing your mind and the very sweet tea you nursed, your emotional baggage was pretty minimal. It sometimes scared you how easy it all was. 

Your morning carried on quietly as you sat on the concrete curb, happily sipping your tea in your sweatpants. You could hear Sam and Scott arguing about something a few feet away from you and Bucky taking his afternoon jog around the track. Quite distracted, the sudden ‘thwip’ and superhero landing of a certain teenager scared you enough to spill a little of your tea. 

“Goddamn, dude!” you whined, looking up at Peter as he tried to control his laughter. 

 “I’m sorry, I thought you saw me!”

“Excuse me for being distracted by the hot super soldier just over there,” you joked, pointing over at Bucky. 

Peter rolled his eyes and sat next to you, immediately reaching over to take the tea from you and take a sip himself. You let him, as you had no other choice, rolling your eyes anyway. 

“What are you doing here? I thought you had classes today?”

Peter handed back your cup, “Nah, I’ve only got classes every Tuesday and Thursday.”

“Ugh, that sounds great. I remember I scheduled my classes for every day of the week just to have more units,” you sighed, taking another sip of tea. 

 “Stupid.”

You pushed Peter’s shoulder playfully, both your laughter catching the attention of Sam and Scott. But as quickly as you had distracted them, they ignored you and went back to bickering. 

“I’m just here to see my friends, sue me!”

“Nope, you’re always welcome,” you smiled, holding out your wrist and bumping your bracelet with his. “How was your week otherwise?”

“Eh, nothing major. Just trying to navigate the world now that they know who's behind the mask.”

You gave Peter a look of sympathy, still mad at the sudden manipulation of the kid after such traumatic events. You had promised him you would protect him by any means possible, as did the rest of the team, but he seemed to be navigating the situation just fine. Staying away from reporters, scheduling his classes during the most isolated gaps of the day, and signing dozens of forms that promised to protect him, give him royalties, etc. After you had brought everyone back, it seemed the least the new management/orders could provide for you all. 

“We all have our days,” you muttered, handing your tea back to Peter. You two sat there for a while longer, enjoying the slight breeze and taste of sugar. 

An agent rounded the corner and spotted you, jogging up and handing you a yellow folder that was sealed in plastic. “For you, from Fury, from whoever before that.”

“Um, thank you?” you said as the agent walked away. You inspected the folder, turning it over in your hands and playing with the thin plastic. 

You lifted it up to Peter’s face, “Here, smell it and tell me if there’s poison.”

Peter scoffed, “I can’t do that!”

“Don’t you lie to me.”

Peter muttered to himself as he took the folder from you, sniffing it awkwardly. “Smells like paper, dude.”

“Cool, thanks.” 

You ripped the plastic off and unhooked the folder, dropping the single item onto your lap. Peter just sipped your tea and watched you open it. 

It was another envelope, but this one was white with custom-printed indents that swirled across the front and a big, red blob of wax smushed- with your initials- sealing it. You ripped it open and pulled the invitation from inside. You must have read it a thousand times, eyes rapidly scanning the small page with secret meanings. 

“You got invited to a wedding?” Peter asked, taking it from you and reading it himself. 

“Yeah, but this is so much more than that,” you said, snatching it back and standing up from the curb. You quickly went back into the compound, searching for the one person who needed to read it also.

You seemed to find everyone before you found the super soldier who wasn’t out for a jog, a line of somewhat concerned superheroes following behind you from room to room. Eager minds and yet, inflexible rib cages full of anxiety and worry, all ready (and quite not) to tackle the new evils of this new world. And whether they followed you blindly or with functioning minds, they were prepared. 

With the rest of the team behind you, you burst through the second floor with the invitation held over your head. Steve stopped mid-bite, milk dripping from his bottom lip as he stared at everyone in confusion. “Um…”

“It’s time-” you started, pulling the stool from next to him and sitting down. 

“Time for what?” Steve interrupted, his mouth still full of cereal.

“Time for this,” you motioned to the envelope you were handing him. “-to finally end.”

Steve read the invitation word for word, the wrinkles in his forehead becoming deeper as his mind worked. You couldn’t quite discern the feeling in the pit of your stomach, twisting and spinning into a tight coil, seeming to spread to the others as it grew in pressure within you. 

“All three?”

“All three,” you confirmed. 

Peter pushed through Bruce and Rhodey, “What’s happening? What’s gonna end?”

You looked over at Steve, his bowl of cereal now forgotten and soggy. 

His eyes were distant and rather cold, hands extended on his knees as if he was drying the accumulating sweat, shoulders building tension. 

“Steve, we can finally end this. We have to tell everyone. It won’t be enough if it’s just you and me.”

He wanted to explode, in both anger and anguish, to stumble over his intact persona and leave it behind - someone he hasn’t known for a long time. It ate away at him each day since Fury notified him of your selfish choice, burrowing into his now tarnished soul in the most sadistic way. But the prospect of finishing this chapter - a chapter that was unexpectedly halted when half the world disappeared - was considerably euphoric. A chance to move on. 

“Okay.”

Rhodey already had knowledge of your background, recruitment, and family but Steve’s initial involvement - the start of it - was still a mystery. You sat everyone down in the living room, making room for the others who arrived later, and clapped your hands together. “Story time!”

Steve groaned, face already pressed against a throw pillow. “Just tell them.”

You rolled your eyes at him. 

“You know whose spawn I’m from,” you began, snickers from your amused friends encouraging you. “To better transport their product, they sent me over to the states to attend college like the good little girl they think I am.”

Sam cracked open a beer and lifted his legs up onto the couch, sitting back with a massive smile on his face as he got comfortable for your story. He handed another beer to Scott. 

“Wait, product?” Scott asked, taking a sip from his drink. 

You smirked at him and tapped your nose twice, amused by his ‘O’ reaction. “Anyway, by then I already knew that I wanted out of the game. I didn’t like that life, I didn’t like the violence, I didn’t like my family.”

Steve knew that was an understatement, a cruel and restrained statement from your part, and he wanted to tell everyone just how justified you were in your words, how real you were being, and how much help you would certainly need for this. But like always, he remained silent. 

“But Fury got to me before I could leave. So, we made a deal. I would train as a field agent and he would promote me every other year to lessen suspicion on this whole ordeal. The deal being I would play both teams.”

By now, your whole team was intrigued. 

“I would do what I could for my father and still have my family’s trust, while feeding the information to SHIELD and our lovely star-spangled man over here,” you pointed over at Steve. He gave you a tiny but forced smile. 

“But after the collapse of SHIELD, my father only became more violent, more hard-headed, more suspicious. He- uh-” you stuttered, flashbacks suddenly filling your head. Wanda watched your eyes dart rapidly, sensing the rush of blood to your legs and tips of your fingers.

“He was power hungry,” Wanda said, immediately feeling your heart rate lower. Although you never actually said it, she could tell you were grateful for her intrusion. 

“Yeah, exactly,” you cleared your throat. “But Steve’s involvement all started when Fury asked me who would be the best front - the most reliable front.”

“So, with only Fury and the bad guys knowing - Y/N named me as her partner in crime,” Steve explained, head hanging low as if it was such a disgrace to do what you openly did. You knew his troubles with coming to terms with such an offensive role were multiplying daily, but you were now this close to stopping  every bad force involved. 

 “So, Captain America is the ultimate drug smuggler,” Scott spoke, somehow trying to comprehend the information all at once. You and Steve both nodded in confirmation and avoided the wide and questioning eyes looking back at you. 

“Yeah, he’s essentially the top boss.”

“Y/N-,” Steve interjected, but you beat him to  it. 

“And here we are! Him and I both invited to the wedding.”

Wanda stretched out her words, “The wedding?”

“Yes, the wedding - where three of the most famous and powerful drug lords south of the border will be attending and ready for our taking - including my father.”

Steve stood from his seat, posture straightening as he spoke to the group. “The invitation reads like a threat. No cameras, no plus-ones besides those listed specifically on the card, no speaking to reporters before or after. The trust Y/N has gained would unknowingly make us the contraband of the party.”

After going through more specifics about the whole situation, Bucky finally raised the question eating away at his mind this whole time. “Whose wedding is it, anyway?”

You grinned that stupid little grin Steve always prepared himself for. It was the grin you would display whenever you were going to make a serious matter a joke, or brush something serious off your shoulder as if it didn’t bother you. The sarcastic grin he always wanted to wipe off your face as you defied orders. 

“My lovely little sister’s.”

Rhodey stepped forward to take the invitation for personal inspection, “When is it?”

“A week from tomorrow,” you beamed. “Which means I got to get shopping for a wonderful little, red number!”

“Please, be more excited about this,” Steve groaned, sarcasm dripping off each syllable. 

You flicked your right hand up and in position to flash your charming little middle finger at him, a river of fluffed ego and delight flowing to your cheeks as he huffed and left the room in a stumbled march.

“So…” Scott’s voice ripped through the awkward silence. “We’ve been secret drug smugglers this whole time?”

~

Please let me know what you think! I listened “The Archer” by Taylor Swift and I was like... yes, I see this, lmao. Tell me if you would like to be tagged in later updates! xxMoni

[bloodcorpceo]

today i am feeling pretty blackpilled. it's the first of the month...

i wanted to feel renewed, refreshed but instead I'm feeling pretty hopeless. i am having one of my many body dysmorphia outbursts. i saw this ugly picture of myself in bad lighting last night at a party and immediately began having negative thought loops and an anxiety attack. i know that sounds really silly to people who don't have issues like this but for me... this just made me feel defeated and hideous. i was already feeling down and ugly because no one talked to me at the bar or club last night again... people almost never approach me and my friends tell me it's because im "unapproachable" but sometimes i wonder if this is just cope not to hurt my feelings. what if the only time i look decent is when i am extremely curated but im actually ugly? i see all my flaws intensely and i often think im hideous or mid at best, no this isn't fishing for compliments either I've never been mentally sound with my appearance and spent too much of my life actually being a 4 to the point where i have permanent damage to my self image and general mental state.

i think the people around me irl are awful at dealing with and helping me with my mental health issues. this morning when i was seeking some kind of solid answer my friend just would silently nod or just say something like "don't seek approval from others". my mother and i got into an argument and she raised her voice at me calling me shallow and saying my primary focus is my appearance but she chooses to live in lala land and refuses to recognize that your appearance determines your entire quality of life, especially when you are as poor as me. i literally have no escape out of poverty besides my appearance because in reality I'm not that bright. my mom doesn't understand my mental health state despite having a psychology degree. she doesn't have pcos like me and never struggled with her weight as a young woman, always had tons of friends and boyfriends, was voted prom queen and even had a modeling contract. how could she ever possibly understand how i feel or relate to me? i have quite literally lived most of my life as a femcel. i can count on one hand how many friends i have even now and didn't even kiss a guy until i was over 20.

just last year i started to get sort of attractive by losing weight, changing my makeup and hair and finally felt a little comfortable putting myself out there but I'm still terrified. i still don't go out much and i feel like i repel people. I've built a wall to protect myself from being hurt again. i might be prettier than before but i still feel the same inside and I'm still socially inept, so i still don't attract people. i really need therapy but i cant afford it. i have been intensely struggling financially this year and i could barely scrounge up a dollar today to pay for my change difference at Starbucks because i desperately needed to get out of the house. i feel intensely upset about the fact that i thought i had found the perfect job to work from home just for the guy to scam me and never pay me even though i worked in bed editing a book for him while i was sick with COVID so i could get it in on time.

i was working my ass off expecting some compensation i desperately need. i feel at a dead end, I've been applying many places but my nail school schedule fucks me and it seems no one really wants to hire me. i can't go until the spring like this, I'm drowning in debt. i am also not looking forward to going back to nail school because i don't like the other girls and i had some issues and the vibe is dead, it won't be fun anymore, it won't be the same. i get upset thinking about it because i feel unwanted. i tried to talk to my friend about this too and she still gave me no reassurance, just the same generic responses. i don't feel relieved or comforted. i suppose i should stop dumping my feelings on my friends but i feel hopeless and really depressed. i don't want to do anything, right now i don't even want to exist.

i just want a decent job and a good man next to me and a home of my own and to get the fuck out of Detroit and to get the surgeries i want and to be thinner and prettier and i want a therapist

[lunabonita]

My Webtoon Recommendations

These are webtoons that are all 10/10 for me. Of course it doesn’t have to be a 10/10 for you, so just a reminder, do not attack me for liking a webtoon that you do not. These are my opinions and we are not going to have the exact same taste. Please be respectful.

Your Throne

Genre: Fantasy

Chapters: 75

Status: Ongoing

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“Tensions are brewing under the seemingly calm surface of the Vasilios Empire, a kingdom ruled by the Imperial Family and the Temple. Lady Medea Solon has lost her place next to Crown Prince Eros, but resolves to win back whats rightfully hers. Will she reclaim her throne?”

You know whats amazing about this webtoon? The summary leads you to think that what shes winning back is the prince. Wrong. Shes trying to win back the throne. I love how this webtoon doesn’t try to make it a girl focusing her goals on a man, but on power. Medea is such a strong and well written character that you can’t help but love her.

The second protagonist Pschye, who of which is the person who took Medeas place as Crown Princess, is the complete opposite of Medea. At the beginning you hate her, but as the webtoon goes on and Medea and her get a better understanding of eachother due to them switching bodies as a wish from God, you begin to root for them as they team up to take over the throne from the Crown Prince.

The art is so beautiful and I constantly found myself at awe from the amount of detail put into it.

-

The Makeup Remover

Genre: Romace

Chapters: 78

Status: Ongoing

-

“After years of being told to focus on studying, Yeseul feels lost when she starts college and is suddenly expected to pay attention to makeup. When a chance encounter with brilliant makeup artist Yuseong leads to her taking part in a televised makeup competition, Yeseul begins to question the role that makeup and appearance play in society.”

This was created by one of my favorite webtoon creators Lee Yone. Their art is just so amazing and their stories always include such good topics.

For instance, The Makeup Remover’s theme is loving yourself for who you are. It shows how people treat you based on your looks and as someone whos struggled with that kind of thing for a while, this webtoon really touched me. The main character Yeseul is such a relatable character, even when trying to reject beauty standards, she still came subject to the pressures of living up to the people around her. She struggles with trying to love her own appearance and I really like that this webtoon didn’t try to be like, ‘fuck the beauty standard im better than that screw pretty people!!!’ it actually showed realistically how people struggle with self-image. I also love the main love interest because oh my god, we need more men like him please. He doesn’t care about Yeseul’s appearance and genuinely loves her for her personality.

Also, art is amazing. The author is so talented and you should support them by reading and liking the chapters.

-

Surviving Romance

Genre: Horror

Chapters: 14

Status: Ongoing

-

“When Chaerin Eun becomes the protagonist of the romance novel she is reading, she expects a fairytale ending with the novel’s love interest, Jeha. But when a bizarre twist makes her realize the story is not playing out as it does in the book, she’ll need the help of an unlikely character from her class to defy the new storyline and find her happy ending - if only she can figure out who this ‘Unknown Extra’ is first!”

Hands down one of my favorite webtoons by a long shot. You ever see a webtoon and think, ‘oh yeah, thats going to be a good webtoon’? Thats how this webtoon was for me. It was so good that I spent hours searching for other chapters that hadn’t been uploaded to webtoon yet on other manhua websites. I discovered it because it was also by the author of ‘The Makeup Remover’.

If there is one thing you need to know about me, its that I am a huge horror fan. So when I saw that my favorite author on webtoon had a horror themed webtoon out? You bet your behind that I binged it. Let me tell you, best choice ever.

Think of it as if ‘Ino’s Law’ and ‘Quarantine’ were combined with amazing art and a badass MC.

The Remarried Empress

I love how it is set up to the point where she cannot ‘quit’ until she completes the novel. Creating scenarios where she must survive while meeting the standards in the book. It is such an amazingly written webtoon and I cannot wait for more chapters to be released.

-

Genre: Fantasy

Chapters: 82

Status: Ongoing

-

“Navier Ellie Trovi was an empress perfect in every way - intelligent, courageous, and socially adept. She was kind to her subjects and devoted to her husband. Navier was perfectly content to live the rest of her days as the wise empress of the Eastern Empire. That is, until her husband brought hone a mistress and demanded a divorce. ‘I accept this divorce… And i request an approval of my remarriage.’ In a shoking twist Navier remaarries another emperor and retains her title and childhood dream as empress. But just how did everything unfold? “

Am I in love with Navier? Yes.

I absolutely adore how this story was set up. The first chapter begins with the big divorce scene, followed by Navier saying that she was going to be remarrying someone else since he wants to divorce her. This sets up a picture that gets completely shattered as you read the chapters. How everything falls into place with the reason behind the divorce and the remarriage is just so well written. The art is so good and and everything is just so insanely well done.

I absolutely love Naviers character, from her regalness and devoted loyalty to her role as empress, all the way to her petty moments and times of sadness. She is truly a character that you want the best for, and I cannot image anyone not liking her. Also the story is just so capable of making you feel emotions. I’ve laughed, cried, and got angry during the course of reading this webtoon. I love how betrayed I felt when the emperor brought home his mistress. It felt like I was in Navier’s shoes!

This is such a well done webtoon and I'm so excited for Navier to get all of the good things she deserves in her new Kingdom and with her new husband.

-

Witch Creek Road

Genre: Horror

Chapters: 74

Status: Ongoing

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“A survival horror about love, acceptance, death, and revenge. And sexy flesh-eating demons. Yeah, it has those, too.”

This series seriously mind fucked me. The way that this story is set up, you don’t see the full picture until the later chapters. Season two literally blew my mind. It is also very gorey so keep that in mind if you don’t like that kind of stuff, but for me that makes it all the better. It is just so wild and crass that you can feel your heart pumping in anticipation.

They even have their own website that goes further into the lore because it’s just so wild. Also the art style is just so amazing, because it complements the story and horror theme so much. You hate most of the characters because they suck, and it is so satisfying when they are killed. Also it has it’s sad moments but I think it is a nice break from the horror so it isn’t so overwhelmingly scary.

I binged this series and I recommend reading only a few chapters a day so you don’t overload your brain.

Other then that, an amazing webtoon. Seriously, go read it, support the author, so much work goes into the story and art that it’s insane.

-

Dating With A Tail

Genre: Romance

Chapters: 36

Status: Ongoing

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“On the dawn of her 29th birthday, unlucky-in-love Yunha discovers a shocking family secret: she’s started growing a fox tail, the mark of an ancestral curse. She must find her fated love before her 30th birthday or she is destined to become a fox forever! Even with her new-found enchanting power to attract men using her scent, will one year be enough to break the curse before it’s too late?”

Oh my gosh this is just such a good webtoon. It has amazing art, story telling, and characters. The true love interest was there the whole time, the villain isn’t who you’d expect it to be, and the spirit who cursed her is just! Im not going to spoil it but go read this webtoon!! It is so good and deserves more love.

Also Yunha is just so relatable?? Like she put off finding the woodcutter (her fated love) for 29 years and waited last minute to find him. Homegirl is me trying to do a project for school. Also to get rid of the scent that makes men attracted to her, she just starts eating a ton of garlic and that is just so funny to me.

Also I would go to church for the priest anytime if you know what i mean ;)

-

Omniscient Reader

Genre: Action

Chapters: 53

Status: Ongoing

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“Dokja was an average office worker whose sole interest was reading his favorite web novel ‘Three Ways to Survive the Apocalypse.’ But when the novel suddenly becomes reality, he is the only person who knows how the world will end. Armed with this realization, Dokja uses his understanding to change the course of the story, and the world, as he knows it.”

I cannot get over how high quality this story is. The world building is phenomenal, the art is fantastic, and the characters are very fleshed out. This deserved all the hype it has gotten so far and more.

I love the ‘mc thrown into a different reality’ trope so much. Just like with surviving romance, Dokja’s world became the story he was reading. Also a very cool aspect of the story is the level up and the fact that its like a game. Earth has turned into this show for god like creatures to watch and it follows Dokja trying to survive. I also really like that TWSA has a protagonist, but Omniscient Reader’s protagonist is not the protagonist that was in TWSA. There is just so much lore and I’ll say it again, the world building is just phenomenal.

The Ddokkaebi’s and Dokja’s interactions are also just some of my favorite moments from the story so far. And oh my goodness I would die for Lee Gilyoung. Thats it, thats the tweet. That little boy could probably kill me with his giant praying mantis and I would let him if it would make him happy.

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Not So Shoujo Love Story

Genre: Comedy

Chapters: 45

Status: Ongoing

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“Romance super-fan Rei Chan is ready for her first boyfriend and she knows just who it’ll be: the most handsome boy in school, Hansum Ochinchin. But her plans for the perfect story are derailed when the most popular girl in class declares herself a rival… for Rei’s heart?! This is the year her not so shoujo love story begins!”

This is just such a cute webtoon. The style is very appealing and while the humor can be childish and weird sometimes, it still has made me laugh a lot. I know the humors not for everyone but just keep in mind that it does get better as the story progresses and gets more serious.

Also its a gl! I’m really unable to find good gls these days that don’t fetishize wlw relationships. Rei being painted as a mean trouble maker whos just misunderstood and Hana being the ‘perfect girl’ who only wants Rei’s attention is such a cute dynamic. They balance each other out and better each other. Also stan Rei for constantly sticking up for Hana even if she doesn’t necessarily like her in the beginning, she has very good morals and sticks to them.

Also the defying stereotypes in this webtoon? Just god-tier. Really makes you think twice when you judge someone just on first impressions alone.

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Odd Girl Out

Genre: Drama

Chapters: 264

Status: Ongoing

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“After a successful winter break makeover, Nari is finally ready for her high school debut. But somehow, she ends up friends with the three prettiest girls in school! Follow Nari as she tries to navigate her brand new high school life surrounded by beauties.”

This story has made me cry multiple times. A lot, even. It is just such a beautiful tale of friendship and finding support in people who are unlike those around theme. It also tells a great story about how anybody can be the ‘odd girl out’. Be it the fat girl, the beautiful girl, the rich girl, or the laid back girl.

It goes so deep into its characters that you even feel bad for the minor antagonists. It really makes you feel for the characters and the reasons behind their actions. Also I know its long, believe me I binged all 260 chapters in the span of three days, but oh my god it is worth it. Also I know the art is kind of off-putting, in fact that’s kind of why I put off reading the story, but I’ve honestly grown to love it and the writing is so good that the art could be literal stick figures and it wouldn’t matter.

The story is amazing and also I just love Nari. She’s just the best.

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Gremoryland

Genre: Horror

Chapters: 67

Status: Completed

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“Six old school friends are invited to be the first visitors of GremoryLand, a new horror theme park that promises an experience as unique as it is spooky. But once this experience starts there is no turning back, and they find themselves tested beyond what they imagines, facing their most desperate fears in order to survive.”

This is definitely one of those stories were you kind of need to turn of your brain and choose to ignore ‘plot holes’ while reading the early chapters because this story definitely gets crazy if you don’t know the ending. Believe me if you stick with it it will all make sense and the satisfaction you get from finding the ending is just so worth it.

The story is so good, and who Gremory is you would literally never suspect. When it was revealed who Gremory was and how he was able to create Gremoryland is so fucking mind boggling that you would never guess. I had to do a double take. It wasn’t like one of those random characters with a vendetta type of twists, but like one you can pick out from clues throughout the story.

Its so good and twisted and just so worth at least giving it a chance.

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These were some of my favorite webtoons on the app! Of course it’s not all of them because unfortunately there is a 10 image limit. I also made this because I’ve run out of new webtoons to read and would love if you guys commented some of your own recs. I can also do a part two with other ones I liked if y’all want more recommendations. You guys can even request specific categories like Drama or Sci-Fi and I can tell you my favorite ones from that genre.

Also a reminder - if you disagree with any of my praise of these webtoons be respectful about it. At the end of the day it’s my opinion and you don’t need to be rude when disagreeing with that opinion.