#saudade mae | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

aniqua · 5 months ago

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saudade | qimir x reader

✧ excerpt: you enjoyed the intimacy up until it stopped and you harshly grabbed the wrist of the same hand that once planted a spark in your mouth. You could only feel the tip of a cold blade when you swallowed.

✧ content warning: 18+ mdni, f!reader, sith behavior, nonsexual nudity, violence, mentions of blood, traitors

✧ note: it's been a year. hi.

✧ word count: 5.4K

“We know you supplied Mae with the poison that killed Master Torbin.” Master Sol informed.

Yord watched as the mystery man's eyes widened with a sincerity that was so brutally palpable that it had Yord second-guess their strategy. Yet, he still wasn’t entirely convinced. Something in the air wasn’t right and he wasn’t going to wait until there was more blood in the water to go hunting.

The investigation of another Jedi's death was your invitation to your first mission on the ground. The first investigation where you wouldn’t be sidelined by the paperwork that came after. The council was applying immense pressure to eradicate the red string of suspicious deaths before things escalated. That’s where your skills with your lightsaber put you among the few who were in talks to walk into the mouth of an unknown beast. Still, it took days of constant pestering to convince Master Sol not to take your name off of the list and a few words from Yord himself had you watching an interrogation just as the evening’s colors were spreading across the sky.

“If you cooperate, we will consider letting you go with a warning,” Sol said.

Your shift began just in time for the start of questioning. The fabric of your robe flew high as you briskly ventured through the winding halls until you made it to the interrogation room. You looked at the door as you held onto a file in your chest. Perhaps it was realization finally catching up to your fast pace or maybe last-minute nervousness but there was a shift in the atmosphere as you approached the door that led to where the suspect was being held. However, you took a breath and went underwater where you were ushered into a space where the only division between two Jedi and a Sith was thick one-way glass.

Yord had beaten you to the interrogation so as you cut through the thick air, you saw him standing across the glass. His hands were crossed behind his back as he observed with a focused demeanor. The Jedi’s figure only grew greater the closer you got but so did the energy that emitted from the other room on the other side of the glass. Yord’s figure obscured the suspect as you approached until he stepped back to greet you.

That’s when you saw the man. He came out like the sun in an eclipse.

It was a cursed serendipity that had you feeling like you walked right into a wall. That colliding sensation you experienced when you saw his eyes only worsened. The one-way glass didn’t keep his storming brown eyes from meeting yours. It was only for a second but in that time he had been able to pull your own voice from you dead in your tracks. The look between the both of you was so brutal that he watched the ripples pass through him. The only indication that he had been affected was clear in the subtle way the perpetual crease of his brows smoothened and constantly stiff shoulders finally got to relax after three years.

With one look from him, the wall you had slammed into pushed right into your ribcage and landed a blow to your heart making it run like a rushing waterfall. Constantly crashing at the end before it starts all over. Just as quickly as you locked eyes, it was over.

The sudden attack had you gripping your chest as you tried to catch up to the ground that was running from you. Yet, Qimir went back to talking to who was in front of him like the soul in his eyes didn’t bite you back harder. He so carelessly left you there to only fist the fabric of your robe that covered your heart.

Someone called your name a few times.

To you, it didn’t matter who said it because everything–from the way the air was moving to the way that the ground was vibrating–was all noise now.

“Yes?” you pitifully pushed passed your teeth as your hand landed on a nearby table to steady yourself. Even when you managed to open your eyes, you saw how the room didn’t mind swaying back and forth at the edge of your vision.

“What’s wrong?” Yord asked.

A light but nervous laugh came from you as you tried to perform nonchalance. Your only solution was to console yourself with your only known ritual. You spun the ring on your finger to ignore the growing tension in your temple.

“Nothing,” you shook your head as you looked up and let go of clutching the edge of the table.

Yord was looking at you completely unconvinced and if you didn’t come up with something soon, he’d likely have Master Sol pull you out to recover from whatever you were experiencing.

“The juice you brought me is just being difficult about going down,” you cleared your throat and fought hard to straighten your posture and hide your discomfort. Yord didn’t miss the way your teeth were clenched.

“Are you saying I have poor taste?”

“Uh, kind of.” you caught your breath quickly but quietly. “If this is your effort to get rid of me, you won't,” you teased.

You walked off the last hit of the wave even though the storm in your chest was still present. By the interrogation's near conclusion, you were straight-spined and catching up to every word that was being transcribed. Master Sol wouldn’t have guessed anything had happened by the time he was done and came to the other side.

“I don’t know why you chose to bring him in?” he said to Yord.

“Master Sol,” Yord bowed, “protocol above all else.” You followed along with his greeting.

“We’ll release him,” you heard said but didn’t catch the rest.

You should have been paying attention as Master Sol illustrated a plan for the next few hours but how could you? The stranger was looking at you once more. You could feel it even as you pretended to listen to Master Sol. His eyes were casting nets to grab your attention. When you would give yourself a split second to look behind Yord and Sol you witnessed the way his face was morphing into an expression that was hard to pinpoint if it wasn’t all over the wrinkles in his frown. He eventually went back to having something else in the room entertain his attention and you tricked yourself into thinking that he couldn’t see you through the looking glass.

However, the thumping of your heart trying to explode all over your lungs and the look he gave you was all you would remember until you were dismissed. Your grit was the only thing that got you through once things were wrapping up. It was a wonder that you didn’t pass out until you returned to your bed.

Even with your eyes closed, you can sense the rushing water. The way it smelled healed your lungs and the way it sounded rested your soul. The ocean lapped the shore of the water with kisses as it carried rocks to better places. The same rocks that you can feel under you as you sat meditating. There was no need to open your eyes as you let the rushing wind wrap itself around you.

You were entirely still as you concentrated on energy that you could feel coming to and for through you. All remained the same until you felt warm calloused hands travel across your jaw to hold your face. While one hand cradled and contrasted with the softness of your skin, the other busied itself by passing its thumb back and forth against the supple skin of your neck. It eventually travels up your neck and past your jaw setting off fires in its wake. The heat ended when a thumb brushed your bottom lip like the lick of a blue flame.

You enjoyed the intimacy up until it stopped and you harshly grabbed the wrist of the same hand that once planted a spark on your mouth. You could only feel the tip of a cold blade when you swallowed. Your victory was short-lived when you blocked another similar oncoming attack. Caged like a bird, you planned to escape like you were taught. You maneuvered with a spin but ultimately failed when you ended up with your back against the chest of the same person you were fighting against. He had a dagger against your throat as his other bicep was locked around your waist.

“I know I taught you better,” a voice spoke into your ear as the pressure around your waist was mounting. He gave you a warm kiss on your cheek and that was the moment you elbowed his chest, stole the dagger, and pointed it right at his chest. You had caught him with your arms around his waist.

“A bit sloppy but an improvement,” he nodded.

Your eyes carefully opened and by then he was no longer in your hold. He had disappeared like foam and the only thing you could see was running waves and rocks suspended in the air like they were underwater. So you turned to find that feeling of warmth on the cold beach and found a man meandering along the shoreline.

You called his name but couldn’t even remember what it sounded like even when you woke up.

Even when it came out of your mouth.

That’s what you thought about when you looked out into space glazed in sweat from the dream.

Your eyes reflected the galaxies the ship swam through at a godly speed as it made its way to Kashyyyk. You were still fiddling with the ring on your finger as you held your blanket against your body. There was still no explanation for what you felt that day and you feared that you didn’t want to know. Yet, your mind wandered to the suspect as you shamefully fought the urges you felt as you reminisced about him. It was unclear how long you watched the ship swim throughout the galaxy. But you did it until you grew tired of the sight and went back to sleep to fight the sea monsters under your bed.

By the time you were much closer to Kashyyk, you were out of bed before anyone else, but never before Master Sol.

“You seem to be worried about something,” Master Sol stood beside you as he looked out of the window just as you did.

“I’m not having doubts about being here,” you reassured. He didn’t say anything after which meant that he was waiting for you to elaborate. “It’ll be three years today and I’m just thinking about the progress I’ve made,” you said with some disappointment in your cadence.

“Your connection with the force will only strengthen with practice,” Sol reassured you with the same advice. It didn’t give you any security but your master had never given you a reason not to trust him so you hung onto his confidence.

Years ago, Master Sol was the first person you saw when it felt like you first came into the world. How lucky you were to be taken in and how fortunate it was that you had given you every reason to trust him even when you couldn’t remember anything but the name written on the back of the ring on your finger. Sol felt a sense of deja vu.

“What is that?” Jecki said.

The forest was dense enough to easily drown in. However, it seemed to be no problem for the man who went cutting through the trees. You noticed him first but it was Jecki who spoke up. His helmet looked like the head of a smiling snake while black pooled over him to make him resemble a ghost. The way he approached was careful.

“Identify yourself!”

The same feeling from the day of the interrogation had returned. Your heart rate was at a pace that one would have if you were already running. Your vision even tunneled as you watched the way the masked man loomed over Osha. For a brief moment, all you could hear was the animals of the forest until you watched the helmet slowly pivot from facing Osha to pointing over her and facing you. How naive all were to not notice how recklessly a shark was going to fight for what was theirs. While some began to step back in anticipation, you unintentionally stepped forward.

It was unclear why at the time but without you being prepared and with a single pass of his hand you were set flying. This was seconds before he knocked every Jedi from the ground to fly with the dust around them like there was an explosion.

The sound of the hum of lightsabers broke you out of your blackout. Your first instinct was to get up and to run but your body ached and cried for you to let yourself stay down as you groaned. Another thing that was able to make it to your ears was Master Sol’s call for Osha to head to the ship. He was far but you still could hear the panic shake in his call. You could only stomach your pain like dry sand as you started for your master. With no lightsaber, you were practically useless but the thought of returning home truly alone scared you more than even the certainty of death. Dancing lights of blue and red were the beacon that led you to the remaining fight.

It wasn’t right that the first thing you saw when you burst through the trees was Yord against a tree as he held onto a wound. Even in all his agony he still held up his hand as he shook his head. He was begging for you to retreat while paled-faced.

“Get to the ship,” he said as you stood over him in horror.

Without any thought, you fiercely tore at the fabric of your robe and wrapped it around his wound tight enough for his skin to swell up. Your hands were diligent even as you heard the clashing of lightsabers further off. Yord’s face was contorted as he held everything in.

“I’ll come back for you,” you said as you squeezed his hands hoping that the next time they wouldn’t be as cold.

You made your way through more vegetation even when it felt like every branch was trying to grab you to pull back into the depths of the ocean. The clashing of lightsabers was growing in volume as you ran further and further until you broke into the battle.

You watched as Master Sol and the stranger were fighting like two families. Your heart never stopped hammering into your ears like it was trying to escape out of your own mouth. Even with the feeling that something was pulling at the fraying fabrics of your instincts, you attacked without question. Wielding your weapon you experienced the first impact when the Sith predicted your hit.

Two lightsabers struck one another with a cross like it hadn’t already occurred. However, this time there was true animosity no matter how one-sided. You held for as long, anchoring your feet into the forest’s ground to plant roots. But slowly as the stranger pushed further, you watched the light of the heated weapon pass him and illuminate his features.

He could even see it in your eyes, the way you looked at him like you were staring directly into the sun. You just couldn’t understand why he looked like a horrifying dream.

“Qimir!” Sol called to you but two heads turned.

The stranger’s advantage was his focus he was faster to return than you were. He threw his robe over Sol and had your back against his chest and your lightsaber grounded by a calculated kick.

Perhaps it was your imagination, but even with a lightsaber pointed to your temple, you didn’t miss the way he and you were breathing in sync. His arm was locked around your neck as you held against it trying to fight back with little success. You screamed as you tried to find an out from his hold. Warm breaths were hitting the back of your neck as they traveled down your spine. It weakened your knees and scrambled your thoughts.

“Stay,” he said to you under his breath.

When Sol wrestled with the fabric off, he saw a sight that took him much too long to realize.

A blue blast from within the trees flew like an arrow and landed close enough to the Sith that he sent hurling through the force with such ease. You shooting at such a dangerous speed but only someone with such an understanding of the landscape could have the skill to send you flying without hitting the trunk of a single tree. It was your overwhelming anxiety and the infection of your senses that was the cause of your mistake. What should have been a tactic you could have landed and brushed off, resulted in you losing your spatial awareness and colliding with the jacked edges of a rock.

You were sure you heard something snap and most certainly, something was leaking as you bounced and rolled onto the ground until you were still. Your once fresh skin was infected with bruises and maimed by branches at its best spots. And You never got to see the regret on Master Sol’s face or the way Osha tried to best the Sith only to have her plan backfire on herself. All you heard was the screams of Sol and Osha as they had to fight off their new problem, the bugs of the jungle.

You don’t know how long you layed there holding on to your wound as your consciousness came and went. You held onto torn skin that kept separating like red water while the forest ground was leaning to the right.

The occasional choir of the indifferent animals of the forest made you feel closer to death even when your main diagnosis was exhaustion. So by the time silent footsteps approached you carefully, you were delirious. Qimir crouched down with a scowl and inspected your breathing.

“What did you do?” he murmured to himself but you heard it and you weren’t asleep.

As he began reaching to pick you up, your eyes snapped open. The universe was demanding one last fight from you. You instantly tried blocking his hands as you wrestled him. It was easy to consider screaming for help but who would answer that call?

With your back against the filthy ground, and haunting brown eyes launching ships, you fought with the little strength you had but you looked like a petulant child as Qimir knelt above your aggressive attacks from the ground.

“Stop,” he said with clear frustration as he countered all your attacks with such grace. You landed a push to his chest with your hands right above his heart. This last-minute scrambling delivered the hardest blow that you didn’t know was possible from your own hands. Qimir flew right into a tree with a groan. The tree vibrated like it was laughing.

You scrambled to get up and run but he was hot on your tail in mere moments.

“He–!” you wailed but your mouth was covered and your words were pushed right back in for you to digest.

The pitiful screams that bubbled out of you didn’t even make it past your teeth but you still could cry which hurt the most. Your heart wouldn’t stop rapping at your ribcage.

“I know, I know it hurts,” he reassures as he pulls you into his chest. Carefully, even amidst your thrashing, he managed to snake his hand into the chest of your robe and right about your heart. “Relax,” he instructed into your collar as he cradled you.

That’s all he needed to say for you to finally break out of the water and breathe for the first time. Your aching heart suddenly rested. You dropped instantly. Qimir caught you so you wouldn’t hit the ground like a dead.

The the forest’s rare instance of silence, he spent his time waving his hands over your wounds and holding back years of every stage of grief. He thought he could keep moving with his plan but he stayed worshipping your presence for a while. Three years of mourning spilled over the arms he had wrapped around you. With his hands around your waist for good measure, he rocked slightly as he held you and buried his nose in your hair once again. The tears came last as they ran from his eyes like sirens. He wished to wail as he silently wept and held onto your unconscious body.

You sat in a bath as you looked forward. Hot kisses were being planted on the wet skin of the bath as you dangled against the rim of porcelain. It started at the back of your neck and with each kiss, it traveled further down until there was nowhere else to go.

“Don’t go tomorrow,” you said.

“It won’t take long,” he reassured.

“It doesn’t matter. It’s a bad idea,”

“I’ll be fine,” he said.

Your frustration made an audible sigh as you marched out of the bath bare. You comforted yourself with a towel and sat on the edge of the bed facing away in protest.

He called your name once.

“If you go, I’ll follow,” you threaten harshly as you pick at the skin near your nails.

“No–” You could tell he was following right behind from the moment you left the water.

“And why can’t I,” you challenged as you stood up to eye him. You were face-to-face

“Because I said ‘no,’” he pressured as he stepped closer.

“How do expect just your worlds to stop me?” You matched his stubbornness as you stepped forward. Wet and chest to chest you both were burning with ambition.

He said your name a second time.

“If you leave… you won’t find me when you come back,” you dropped the words like a last-minute anchor. To you, it was an empty threat but he didn’t know that.

You saw the way he locked up when he heard the words. He wasn’t as quick to quell your doubts as you’d hope with such a threat. You knew if he went off to kill a Jedi, you’d follow to protect him even in secret, but even then you weren’t sure if he’d make it out alive with your help. Your love for each other made you both reckless.

And that would never change even if you forgot.

When you woke up, the first thing you heard was the sound of the sea. You thought perhaps you had stepped into another facet of your dream but that idea was dead when you saw the bandages wrapped around you with a few healed wounds. A dream wouldn’t be this cruel but there was still a chance it was a nightmare.

You rose from the resting spot you were lying in and looked into the space you were in. It looked lived-in and cozy, the last place you would have expected to end up. The main source of light was the exit that led to the outside world and it illuminated the surroundings. It was eerily quiet and that did little to alleviate your worries. You were frantic to find something to protect yourself and came up lucky when you stopped a lightsaber only a short distance from where you rested. You looked around to be sure of any surprises then practically lept to grab the weapon.

There were only two options. You could either choose to stay inside and wait for the man who took you to come back in or beat him to it. It was clear he wasn’t inside. It was easier to take the latter to avoid feeling like you were just patiently waiting for your end. You held the lightsaber tightly as you slowly left the home into broad daylight.

You traveled carefully with occasional frantic looks. Your posture was that was a caged animal stepping out for the first time as it met with the sun. You could have never predicted the site that would make you stop short in your tracks. Standing near the large rocks of the water was Yord and he was the first to turn when he heard your footsteps and right next to him was the man who had practically hunted your friends for sport. He looked incredibly calm like he hadn’t just been baptized by blood, while Yord sported a look of fear.

“You’ve come to join us,” the stranger said.

You raised your lightsaber as you held it in a stance of attack. “Let us go,” was all you demanded.

“Your stance,” he tilted his head. “It’s weak.”

That got a look of confusion out of you as you looked over to Yord who was also waiting for the other shoe to drop. The hunter rose from the rocks and Yord watched wordlessly as if the Jedi wasn’t scared for his life.

“I thought I taught you better than that,” his brow quirked as he so casually reached to shift the imperfections in your stance.

You flinched at the deja vu. “What?”

“It’s a shame you can’t remember,” he murmured as he looked down. What kept you listening was the familiarity of it. The last time you felt it, you remembered a memory of your home planet.

“ I was just telling your friend about it,” Qimir said. Yord looked between him and you. “The way you were once my acolyte that is…now bound to the ways of the Jedi. How unfortunate,” he tutted.

“You’re a liar,” you simply accused.

“Am I?” He looks to Yord.

“I have no reason to lie. Especially when you bare my name. The one you found within a ring isn’t yours but mine. Yet, you took it because it felt familiar, right.” He looked at you with a calmness that took him hours of meditation to reach preparing for this moment. For years he practiced mourning, but in a short amount of time, he had to learn how to celebrate a resurrection.

You put the saber down as the crease in your forehead becomes more pronounced. The ring you wore was so ill-fitted that you sometimes wondered why you had it.

“It can’— No, no,” you protested.

He leans forward as you take a step back. His presence was all too intimidating but worst of all, familiar. “Your friend had just a taste and now he’s burdened with my memories and the secrets that order keeps, especially those from your master. Now, I’ll be fair and let him choose. He can either return to the order with the truth and leave you here or take your place as you return.”

You stood there taking in the preposition.

“[Name],” he said. You looked upon instinct and were surprised. “That’s your name.”

It sounded so heartwarming the way he said but you refused to let yourself grow comfortable.

“Yord,” you called his name with a beg in your tone. You weren’t sure what for. Begging to be told Qimir was lying. Begging to tell you the secrets he had been told. Begging for him to choose to fight until the end. “Don’t listen to him.” You walked to him

Yord shook his head. “There's, u-um. There’s no other way,” he said as his eyes darted to you and then to Qimir.

“Yord, please, you can’t be–” You tried to reach for him but he flinched.

“Qimir,” he was still using your old name. The name that you thought belonged to you. He refused to look at you. “Don’t come any closer.”

“How— Am I not your fellow brother?” You asked.

“I have a duty to report back.” He was following right into what was expected.

“Am I not!” You panicked as you repeated in a panic. Your fears of being left alone were making you frantic so you practically clung to his hands hoping he’d see reason, but he had already chosen to abandon you by then.

He pushed you away and went running at the first signal that the Sith gave him. Running back like a coward harbinger to tell the gospel about what wrath was yet to come from Qimir. He left you there with only a small amount of remorse to weigh him down. On his way back he kept repeating, how could he trust you when your very foundation was the ways of the Sith.

You screamed as you watched him run. You wanted to run after him, back to what you knew, back to Master Sol, but you knew you’d be better off dead since you knew nothing of the forest and he’d drag you bag before going back on his promise.

“See how easily they turn on us,” Qimir said as he approached.

“Us? I am nothing like you,” you shook.

“You have an allegiance to Jedi like they aren’t traitors,” he spoke in disgust.

“Traitors? You gave him the proposition,” you hissed.

“Yet he took the choice that left you on this planet without a thought whether you’d stay dead or alive. He didn’t even ask,” he challenged with boiling frustration.

You went silent then clenched your fist as you spoke. “I will not stay here,” you declared.

“Then go back to a family who have never buried an empty casket because they thought you were dead!” he spat.

“That’s not true–” you tried to overcome his anger.

“I went crazy searching for you for years! Relentless!” he said. You’d finally poked enough to find his sore spot. “To them, it’s all conditional,” he declared. “Because once they find out you’ve been channeling your force on a broken heart, they’ll dispose of you.”

“My love for you is not,” he continued as he hurriedly stepped forward and grabbed your hands tightly. It was all too dizzying.

“Why should I trust you?” you repeated the first words you said to Master Sol on the day he found you.

“I almost didn’t believe it until I heard the way your heart was beating in that room. You’ve got to remember how our hearts beat just the same.” You looked into every feature of his face as the darkness of his hair and the glow of his skin set off fireworks in the depths of your instincts.

“But, I can even show you. Let me show you.” He begged as he carefully moved to hold your face. You wondered if you were making a mistake, but told yourself that it wouldn’t matter anyway since you had nothing left to lose. You slowly nodded as you braced yourself.

Qimir sighed deeply as he finally met his forehead with yours. It hit you like the weight of a beast like the entire earth was slamming onto you. Every memory and emotion he had felt went shooting through your brain like a bullet.

The night he left to kill a Jedi you followed him. He and you escaped separately planning to meet back, but you never made it home. You gasped for air as you relived the way your lungs felt as you ran. The mystery of your origin once shackled you, but now it was the idea of what led you to the front steps of the order.

His arm soothes your shoulder as he lightly lifts one of your hands to guide it to extend out. His calloused hands lightly covered your chest as he said “We tap into the force with our love for each other.” The lightsaber on the ground rose and then shot into your hands. “I don’t care how long it takes. I will reteach you.”

Qimir had no fear. His plan was still at the fight pace as although Mae had been apprehended she was still eyes on the inside.

“I will teach you how to repay the betrayal.” His eyes danced from your lips to your eyes before he rushed to kiss you like an all-consuming wave.

#qimir x reader #the stranger x reader #qimir the acolyte #star wars #the acolyte fic #manny jacinto x reader

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