#sappy cyᯓᡣ𐭩

[silentgravesdontexist]

I said I'd be sappy today, so, here I am. There will be a bit of lore-drop and some yapping below the cut!

For over a decade of my life, I've never felt like I deserved love nor did I feel like I was loved. Went through life as a kid until late teens thinking that my existence was a sin and that I should never have been born at all. How everyone would be so much happier if I someone else took my place. Someone smarter, kinder, and easier to love. It left this black hole in my heart that couldn't be filled no matter what I did.

I felt like I was going through life without purpose or aim. Like I was just some hollow shell of a human. And I hated it. It wasn't as if I'd constantly feel depressed, cry it out in the evening and drag myself out of bed next morning. I was numb to everything. Like I wasn't even living my own life. Just putting on a show for everyone.

Then last year happened. I dropped out of college.

It was just felt like everything had built up far too much and I finally broke. Everything I held inside just broke and tore to pieces all over the place. It was messy and I hated it so much. For months, I spiraled and isolated myself. Took so long to recover from it. I tried desperately even though I had no idea what I was doing.

A few months ago, my friend asked me: "Are you happy?" It was a genuine question that caught me off-guard. My words died in my mouth. For so long I had gotten used to my mind immediately responding with "No" even if I actually said "Yes" out loud. But it was that moment that I said "Yes" both in my mind and out loud.

I cried. Tears were just pricking my eyes and I could feel like this weight lifted off my chest. It dawned on me that I truly answered "Yes" at that question. My life had been far from perfect that moment. It was chaotic and I had been going through a bunch of things. But I still said yes. Even after living my life believing that I would always feel like the answer was no. I finally answered yes.

Kept asking myself that over and over again for the months after. And I still kept answering yes. Despite how things got tough. I am happy. Not only that but I finally feel loved. After living my whole life fighting and trying so hard to be loved and feel like I am loved, I finally felt like I am loved by the people around me. The gaping hole in my chest had finally been filled so much that it feels like my heart would burst at the seams.

It wasn't just irl that has made me feel like this but so many of the people here as well. Every kind interaction with you all, no matter how small, took part in healing and filling that emptiness in me. Every kind word and interaction. Every time I receive support on this hellsite for the things I am passionate about. Each time, I felt like a part of me healed. Like the endless black hole closed bit by bit. Even if it may have been nothing to you or you'll think that it was just some small thing, it meant so much to me. Always will.

Thank you for being kind to me. I love you all so much.

[silentgravesdontexist]

What a privilege it is that I worry over writing 20 letters and inbox raiding to all the people that I feel grateful for in 2024 (՞-ω-՞)ᐝ

[silentgravesdontexist]

Up and up and up

You go with a loud bang

Transcient flashing of colors

Lighting up midnight skies

Seconds before you fade;

Forever you are engraved

In this cramped ivory cage

Beside my patchwork heart.

[silentgravesdontexist]

One thing that always fascinates me is the concept of fate. Not the set in stone pre-mediated kind either. It's the way that you can stray from a path but something will always draw you back to a certain thing/person.

I never imagined myself taking anything other than Psychology. Someone out there was deadset on becoming an architect, programmer, model, cook, athlete, and etc that it simply became something they would never give up on— something they'd always come back to wanting no matter what.

I'm talking about the kind of fate that you can always go against, but at the same time, there's always that kind of yearning for whatever else it is. How life always seems to nudge you a bit closer to that thing is. And how it's as easy as breathing when you follow it.

Whether it's a career, hobby, or person— it always feels like home and it feels so right. Maybe, just maybe, it feels that way because it's fated all along.

That's how I feel right now.

Ten minutes before the start of the new year. Making all the decisions that I have. Being surrounded by the people I know and love. And every other little thing that makes me who I am. It just feels right somehow...even if I did some stuff that I still regret to this day.

But if given the chance to go back in time and change my mind? I don't think I would. I think I'd still make the same decisions that I did. Especially if it meant that I could be where I am now.

To which includes meeting people on this little app, making friends with all of you, and falling in love with writing all over again.

I happen to quite like where I am now.

[silentgravesdontexist]

Mnh...I'm gonna do something first then inbox raiding for those I couldn't write letters for~

(~˘▽˘)~

[silentgravesdontexist]

Okay, one last post to before I genuinely go to sleep. It's 'cuz I randomly remembered a thingy about someone being kind because they have ulterior motives and whatever crap like that.

Just wanted to say, that if you do ever receive some act of kindness from me— take it as it is. There's no need to feel obligated to return it to me. There's no need to worry whether I'm gonna ask for something in return. There's no need to pressure yourself into thinking whatever else.

Take it as it is.

Now, if you ever do wonder why I like being kind and giving, the reason's simple. I hope it makes you smile. That's all I want. If somehow or someway that the thing I did for you made you smile/confident/at ease or just feel good in general by a fraction? That's more than enough for me.

And even if you didn't, that's fine. But I would appreciate communication. That if you're ever uncomfortable with how I show my kindness to you and you'd rather I do xyz— I will literally say thank you for that. I'm awkward and lack understanding of social cues. Clear boundaries are the best thing to me.

Also, there's a high chance that if I am being kind to you— that means you've already been kind to me or to other people, and I have seen you be kind. It's somewhat like a habit of mine to give as I receive. And to give to those that give. It's just how I've always been.

Anywhoooooo

I should really get to sleep.

That is all.

Bye!

[silentgravesdontexist]

I shall go to sleep peacefully, knowing that I am surrounded by such lovely and amazing people. Good night, folks!