#ik that im being so damn sappy for such a timing

[silentgravesdontexist]

I said I'd be sappy today, so, here I am. There will be a bit of lore-drop and some yapping below the cut!

For over a decade of my life, I've never felt like I deserved love nor did I feel like I was loved. Went through life as a kid until late teens thinking that my existence was a sin and that I should never have been born at all. How everyone would be so much happier if I someone else took my place. Someone smarter, kinder, and easier to love. It left this black hole in my heart that couldn't be filled no matter what I did.

I felt like I was going through life without purpose or aim. Like I was just some hollow shell of a human. And I hated it. It wasn't as if I'd constantly feel depressed, cry it out in the evening and drag myself out of bed next morning. I was numb to everything. Like I wasn't even living my own life. Just putting on a show for everyone.

Then last year happened. I dropped out of college.

It was just felt like everything had built up far too much and I finally broke. Everything I held inside just broke and tore to pieces all over the place. It was messy and I hated it so much. For months, I spiraled and isolated myself. Took so long to recover from it. I tried desperately even though I had no idea what I was doing.

A few months ago, my friend asked me: "Are you happy?" It was a genuine question that caught me off-guard. My words died in my mouth. For so long I had gotten used to my mind immediately responding with "No" even if I actually said "Yes" out loud. But it was that moment that I said "Yes" both in my mind and out loud.

I cried. Tears were just pricking my eyes and I could feel like this weight lifted off my chest. It dawned on me that I truly answered "Yes" at that question. My life had been far from perfect that moment. It was chaotic and I had been going through a bunch of things. But I still said yes. Even after living my life believing that I would always feel like the answer was no. I finally answered yes.

Kept asking myself that over and over again for the months after. And I still kept answering yes. Despite how things got tough. I am happy. Not only that but I finally feel loved. After living my whole life fighting and trying so hard to be loved and feel like I am loved, I finally felt like I am loved by the people around me. The gaping hole in my chest had finally been filled so much that it feels like my heart would burst at the seams.

It wasn't just irl that has made me feel like this but so many of the people here as well. Every kind interaction with you all, no matter how small, took part in healing and filling that emptiness in me. Every kind word and interaction. Every time I receive support on this hellsite for the things I am passionate about. Each time, I felt like a part of me healed. Like the endless black hole closed bit by bit. Even if it may have been nothing to you or you'll think that it was just some small thing, it meant so much to me. Always will.

Thank you for being kind to me. I love you all so much.

[miowritings]

Maybe a fic of pjsk boys learning English with non-Japanese reader who’s good at it? (Feel free to ignore :D) have a nice day!

I-i-i love you!♡

Tsukasa tenma, rui kamishiro, akito shinonome, toya aoyagi x gn reader

✮a/n: sorry for being offline all of the sudden, i was thinking of quitting tumblr since i dont open it much, plus busy with school, im not gonna quit<3 more like a hiatus, ik how much it hurts to see an idol quit and i dont want yall experiencing that🙏 im more online on my ig account (@/yumi.anami) so if you want to talk, im here :DD, TRANSLATED WORDS ARE DOWN THERE!!

✮sypnosis: you, teach the boys how to speak english fluently.

✮contains: corny, sappy, love🥺

✮taglists: @akitosheart @nogenderbee

Tsukasa Tenma

-tsukasa decided that today was the day he decided to start using english! He already knew your first language wasn't Japanese, so he learns english with you, even if you speak japanese fluently

-while teaching him, he would have to ask for things in english only, yes he does know a bit of english but, its hard to communicate with such little words no?

-you introduce him to japanese and english dictionaries, flash cards, anything of the sort, even going as far as to make him listen to english songs!

-when asking for something like a ketchup or remote, he would have to say it in english

"Ah, y/n, could you please.. uh.. pass the... The.." he stutters, making some sort of movement in his hands, you know damn well he wanted that ketchup, so why not tease him? "Huh? The salt?" You ask, faking your obliviousness, tsukasa shook his head in frustration, then sighed in defeat. "The.. ケチャップ!!" He exclaims, you sigh, handing him the ketchup bottle. "Its ketchup kasa, but its okay, you got half the sentence right" you giggle.

-once he learned a bit more about the english language, he was getting the hang of it, except for his pronunciation..

-"ehem!" He clears his throat, then exhaled "i, live in a... A... Ru..ruru.." he stumbled, reading a post cards intently. "Rural, back from the top!" You stated, he groans but he knows that mistakes happen at first.

-"okay! I got this..! I, live in a ru... Rur..." He quits, groaning again, "y/n!! You picked the hard one didn't you..?!" He exclaimed dramatically, hugging you by the waist, you chuckle and carefully pushed him away. "Its a simple sentence.. i live in a rural areas ruu-raall" you exclaimed, making sure to emphasize rural "Dont push yourself okay? Theres still time.." you say, turning around to sit on the chair.

-tsukasa read the post card over and over and over until he was sure he's right! She walks up to you, reading the postcard. "I live in a... Ru...rural area! I live! In rural! Areas!!" He exclaimed in a much more louder than before, you got up and started cheering him.

-"hahaha!! Told you y/n! I dont need extra days to learn yknow?! Im like a champion!" He says playfully, you chuckle at his joke "y/n.! My dear, thank you for helping me.. ehem!" He clears his throat, making you face him "y/n! You are a.. beautiful person!" He exclaimed, making you bug eyed.

-"eh?! Since when did you know how to pronounce beautiful..?" You ask, still skeptical but impressed. "I practiced some words on my free time.. my friend said beautiful was both hard and simple.. it was challenging too.." he sighs "but i did it!!" "Yea, yea.. im proud kasa..but please dont yell in my ear.." you winced "oh.. sorry.." he chuckles.

Rui kamishiro

-rui already knew english, in fact he was good at it, so there was no need for teaching.. though he is a bit teasy with his english

-when you when you talk to him in japanese, sometimes he'll randomly speak english.

-"そしてこの犬はずっとボールに向かって吠えていた！私はただボールを取って犬に渡した" you ranted, you see rui have the mischievous grin on his face. "Oh..? At a ball? Thats very silly" he responds, in english, you sigh, knowing he would do something like this.. "really? Do you want me to speak in english or what?" You ask in english "日本人お願いします。" He stated, nodding intently.

-despite being good at english, sometimes rui has a hard time saying english words, sometimes he gets the pronounciation wrong.

-when he does get it wrong, he gets all peeved.. he knows that you'll tease him about it, but if it makes you happy, he'll laugh along.

Akito shinonome

-akito isnt that good at english, nor bad at it? Hes just there.

-ofcourse, you taught him proper english, he's still kind of pissed that he needs to study..

-"ugh.. cant i just speak to you in japanese..?" He groans, looking at the paper in his hand. "Didnt you ask me to teach you english? You cant back out now.. we went this far.." you plead to him, he sighs and reluctantly nods. "Fine.."

-even though he hates studying, he's very eager to learn, he wants to communicate well and to make you proud of him!

-akito takes alot of time when studying, so learning a new language would take wayy too long, but eventually he'll get there

-"Hmm.. say this?" You hand him a flashcard, which says "今日は天気が良さそうだと思いませんか?". "Oh..! Uh.." he clears his throat, analyzing the sentence "do..dont you.. think the.. weather looks nice today..?" He mutters, sounding unsure, his head tilting, looking at you to see your approval. "Hm.. its actually "dont you think the weather is great today?" But i'll let it pass, same meaning" you sigh.

-akito was very happy to know he translated it well.. sure it was a little.. different than the one on the flash card but it still works!

-once he knows english that much, its obvious he would tell his friends first, to flex and all.

-"Thats great shinonome-kun.!" Kohane chirped in, toya smiles proud in akito for actually studying.. an chuckles while exclaiming loudly "haha! Are you gonna speak english for the rest of your life?" She teases, smirking while waiting for a response. "Hello no.!" Akito groaned.

Toya aoyagi

-toya's already good when it comes to english speaking, hes not fluent, but its understandable.

-he would sometimes mispronounce words or get the meaning of the words mixed up, so he was glad to have you by his side.

-he would sometimes ask for you to tutor him english, the complex part of english learning.. he sometimes finds himself enjoying these study sessions..

-once he was good enough at english, he wanted to thank you so he wrote you something..

-it was a love letter, all in perfect english, he knew that it wasnt that big but he wanted you to know how youre teachings are important.

-"I know it isnt much.. but i just want you to know that our study time together paid off.." he mumbled, looking down, once he looked at you, he saw how happy, shocked and gentle you looked, he smiled at you and pulled you into a tight embrace

-"small..?! This is way too big...!!" You exclaimed, pulling hum close with a sigh.

--

!!Translated words!! (Translated by deepl!!)

"そしてこの犬はずっとボールに向かって吠えていた！私はただボールを取って犬に渡した" → "and this dog kept barking at the ball, so i simply took the vall and gave it to him.."

"日本人お願いします" → "japanese please.."

"今日は天気が良さそうだと思いませんか?" → "dont you thing the weather looks great today?"

[1byhwng]

idk if youre still open or not but can i request 15 with hyunjin or minho pleaseee

prompt - “do you even care?”

Pairing - bestfriend!hyunjin x fem!reader

(Ik this is extremely late but I’ve been busy so this is kinda rushed)

It was your 23rd birthday and as usual you’d get the normal ‘happy birthday!!🎂🎉’ text from the other guys and a few family members you have kept in touch with but this year Hyunjin didn’t even make a post on instagram or sent a text.

You sit on your couch at 7PM, alone, watching some sappy old movies you saved a while back while eating cookies and ice cream. The movies you were supposed to be watching with your best friend. Who decided you completely didn’t exist on the one day it mattered the most. The more you thought about it, the more you came up with excuses for him to give yourself some sort of comfort. At that point you would’ve just been glad to know he wasn’t dead.

Time passed and it was 12AM before you heard someone at the door. He was 7 hours late on your birthday, no text, no call, nothing.

Putting the tub of ice cream you pretty much finished entirely on the coffe table, you get up and make your way to the front door. When you open it you see Hyunjin standing there holding a bag and flowers. Normally you would’ve been thrilled to see him with gifts but you just look at him disappointed before moving to close the door. Before you could close it he blocks the door with his foot pushing it back open and walking in. “I’m sorry..I know how it looks. I should’ve been here and I promised you I would be. Am I extremely late? Yeah.. but I promise you I didn’t mean to and I tried contacting you but my phone was dead, then my car almost ran out of gas and- I-I’m so fucking sorry y/n.” He explains dropping the bag and flowers to pull you into a tight hug while you stand there fighting back tears in your eyes.

when he pulls back he sees the tears in your eyes. That’s when he realizes how hurt you were.

He fucked up — he missed everything..The cake he was supposed to bake with you, the movies, the ice cream and cookies..he missed your entire birthday — He fucked up.

“y/n…I-“ you give him a look that anyone could tell meant ‘don’t’. “you didn’t even send me a damn happy birthday text, Hyunjin. Then you have the—the nerve to show up at 12 in the fucking morning and brought flowers and some bag — which I appreciate but I didn’t need that today..I wanted you, my best friend.” The pain in your voice could be heard from miles away. “It really left me thinking…’do you even care?’..” he opens his mouth to speak but closes it realizing nothing he could say, would fix what he did.

Silence filled the room, the only noise was the sound of the movie she forgot to pause. “I do care….And I promise I would never make you feel like this on purpose. Im so fucking sorry for all of this y/n, you just don’t understand how much I hated myself for not being able to let you know I at least remembered your birthday.”

You look up at him trying to smile through your hurt “I thought you didn’t want anything to do with me because maybe I did something wrong..” he shakes his head taking your hands in his “I would never and you should know that. I will do everything in my power to make it up to you. Anything you ask I will do it, I promise you.” He says smiling at you wiping a stray tear from your eye.

“just please don’t do anything like that again..” you whisper softly avoiding his gaze not able to look at him without breaking down. “Of course not..I wanted to tell you something today but I don’t think it’s the right time so..later?” He smiles at you. Nodding you pick up the flowers he dropped “thanks by the way..”

“Anytime”

[poggyking3]

You're still enemies? I wonder if he thinks similarly. I get why you'd be that way though. Do you still actually enjoy villainy or are you trying to make up for something? Just saying. Yeah IK I'm dropping these kinda questions on you while medicated, you can answer this later, I don't mind. - Nerd anon

i guess i still kinda see him as an enemy idk anymore but im not gonna get sappy

and i do still enjoy villainy to a degree, maybe no more big evil shit tho idk

since ive been in this damn hospital bed ive had enough time to actually sit and think about things so despite me being medicated this is honestly probably the most honest youll get me

speaking of the hospital, my back feels fine now but the doctor or whatever said hes gonna keep me there for longer like maybe til tmr

pshh who does he think he is

[sweetofsin]

ALSO I MISS THEM FUCKKKKKKKKKKK IM TRYING SO HARD NOT TO GO BACK ON MY WORD ... IK THIS IS WHATS BEST FOR ME IK I DESERVE BETTER THAN A SITUATIONSHIP BUT FUCKKKKKKKKKKKK I JUST WANR THEM SO BADDD UGHHHHHHHHH JUST LET ME WIFE YOU UP DAMN

Yes yes i know love is about accepting and surrendering and releasing it's just like Fuck

It sucks when like understanding and acknowledging and compassion can only go so far ..... like sometimes it does help for me to temper myself and step outside of myself. Other times I'm like Ok salem yes you're allowed to have compassion and grace and completely understand where someone is coming from and why they're choosing what they choose. Simultaneously you are still your own person too and you are a lover that deserves mutual commitment and devotion!!! Like i may be a gemini venus n all but it's in the 8th house babes ... In the beginning yeah idgaf but WHEN I DO... I AM LOCKED DOWN IDK

I don't believe in right person wrong timing like okay kinda i guess i can see that but i also feel like the right person would find a way to want to make the timing right yk? Ik there's no such thing as blanket statements as "right person" but yk. My point is, there is someone out there where they are in a position of life where they feel more willing to overcome their fears, traumas, triggers, and open their heart up more to be able to love me in the committed way i desire. And i'm not in a rush fr. It's not like I need to be in a partnership by tomorrow. I'm also content with being single. Although i am going to miss certain aspects of intimacy that are not as easily found with friendships sigh....

IT JUST FUCKING SUCKSSSS LIKE WHY IS 12H SYNASTRY LIKE THIS IM GOJNG TO KAY MY ESS

But it's fine

It's honestly kinda out of my hands now like I'm not about to convince anyone to surrender for me. It's when they want to. And if they feel like their current wants and desires and needs are more important and valuable than a romantic connection with me then who am i to beg and say to consider otherwise? Ima be like u got it. And just learn to pour all this sappy ass love i have into me. And my loved ones. I mean they're still a loved one, but yk.

Sigh just give me the strength bc i want to give into temptation so baddddd but at the same time i'm trying my best to learn love is discipline it is recognizing to not follow your every whim and desire it is recognizing when you can release certain standards or expectations but also have to be firm about others and it's just FUCKING SIGH. Why did they have to be so lovable and beautiful and just why does love constantly seem to slip from my hands... that poem about love being elusive when it really doesn't have to be but the world and it's dysfunction makes it that way be wanting to BASH MY HEAD AGAINST A WALL BC I HATE THAT THEYRE RIGHT

Like idk what's worse like being in romantic relationships but being treated like shit or constantly being close to being in romantic relationships but something happens and it slips away before you were even able to really revel in the beauty and the joy of it all

I mean i did anyway but also Yes i would've loved to been able to wash the dishes with you and read books with you by a fireplace and gaze under stars with you and maybe a kid Ok im done fr im done sorry my brain is just rambling i gotta release so i can sleep heh

[heeseongism]

Can you do a mutual appriciation post pls?

Love your works ! Slay bestie 💪🏻💜✨

Ooh okay !! Im rlly bad at writing sappy messages tho so bare with me 😭 also im going thru my following list as im writing so this isnt in any particular order <3 also ty @sluttyenha for re-sending this ily

@foxdaisy MY PRECIOUS DAISYYY 🥺 notice how i said my daisy? Thats bcs shes mine so all of u hoes better back off, daisy should srsly have the Guinness world record for most adorable person in the world bcs my god shes the cutest 🤧 always so so supportive of all her mutuals and never has anything bad to say abt anyone, shes rlly reminds me of this one mutual i used to have on my old acc and it just made me feel so at home on this new blog <33 daisy rlly just deserves the world, she's just that one friend that you can always count on to brighten up your day 💕 i always look forward to the asks that she sends me and ngl i feel my eyes watering sometimes by how adorable she is :( we’re always active at different time but whenever we do interact it makes me rlly appreciate and love her <3

@sunghoonalter raven, oh god where do i start. raven first and foremost is my bae so everyone back off bcs she is MINE MY PROPERTY 🔪 yes i have claimed both raven and daisy deal with it (i may claim some of my other mutuals so beware) shes also my no 1 angst writer even tho i hate reading it bcs it crushes my heart but I'll read it for her ✋😔 honestly raven deserves way more than shes getting on this hellsite BCS WHY TF ARE YALL SLEEPING ON HER DAMN GOD GIVEN WRITING SKILLS?!?!?!? WAKE UP AND APPRECIATE HER FFS shes the cutest girl in the world with her bambi eyes and might i say beautiful lips 😩 also her humor >>>>>>> it makes me love her even more than i alr do. We may disagree on some stuff (her being bambi and sunghoon having tiddies) but i still love her nonetheless ! I hope ive made her tumblr experience just a little bit better just like she did with mines ❤

@hee-pster - jan my fellow girl boss and lifeline is by far THE LOVELIEST person ive met on this site and im not even over exaggerating. She was the first person i properly interacted with and she immediately made me feel so comfortable on her and ilh for that 😭 she rlly deserves all the praise and love that she recieves bcs shes just such a kind, funny, and bubbly mutual who im proud to call my friend :( shes also hilarious and i love how we can both match each others energy, shes such a beautiful person and i just know shes beautiful on the outside too 😔 we wouldnt be able to handle a face reveal 💔 i rlly do love her, so much that words cant explain how much she means to me, I'll always try my best to be her supportive moot 💕 I hope she always remembers to take care of herself bcs life can be an ass sometimes <3

@jaylaxies aria aka the president of coochie clenching smuts AKA MY QUEEN 😩 WHY IS NOBODY ON THEIR KNEES BOWING TO HER FEET RN??? She is just so so hardworking and i rlly admire her for her perseverance despite all the obstacles she faces on her blog. Shes such a gorgeous person inside and out and shes still so humble even after gaining a massive follwoung which makes me love her sm more. Shes just one of the ppl who im extremely proud to call my friend bcs its not every day you meet someone as amazing aria, shes a rare gem fr 💕💕 I want to give her the world and to protect her from all the hate but sadly im merely a 19 yr old with multipe deficiencies and couldnt fight for my life without shattering my bones. However i hope that my love and affection can help her even if its in the tiniest way possible. Shes honestly one of the sweetest ppl ive met on here and i always look forward to her posts and when we interact :(

@end-hyphen MY LITTLE 5'2" GENIE IN THE BOTTLE 🧞‍♀️ ik alot of ppl say this but genie rlly is just like a big bundle of sunshine and she never fails to make my day whenever i see her in my notifications :( literally a free package of positivity like WHAT DID I DO IN MY PAST LIFE TO DESERVE BEING BLESSED BY SUCH A WHOLESOME HUMAN BEING ??? We haven't been mutuals for very long but i rlly hope our friendship can last for a very very long time bcs tumblr would be so lifeless without her, the happiness would literally be drained out of my tumblr experience ngl 😭 im always looking forward to when we interact and just seeing her interactions with other ppl on my dash makes me so happy that theres still sm positivity despite all the hate anons ew,, genies rlly is just a beautiful person both inside and out and i wish her all the happy things in life!

@jaysbiceps amy or should i say my angel in disguise and by disguise i mean KINKY LEATHER CORSET,, i legit never wouldve expected someone as sweet and GORGEOUS as her could be this sexy but im loving it. Amy is probably the person i dm the most on here, and shes just the cutest most adorable mutual i could ever wish for. Shes so supportive and is always checking up on me which i appreciate vv much, whenever i say i love her i rlly do mean it. I love our talks whether its abt being horny or screaming abt random drama she never fails to make me laugh even if im having a rough day :( She deserves all the love and happiness in the world and i hope she doesnt have to deal with nasty anons anymore bcs or else i will personally go to their house and drain the happiness in them and then gift it to amy.

@shu-ramyeonz shu is... chaotic to say the least... BUT SHES MY CHAOTIC BAE (another one added to the list hehe fight me if u object) I love how she always acts so friendly with ppl even if its the first time they've interacted she acts as if they've know eachother forever nd have gone thru 5 divorces together 😔 I admire her sm for her confidence and positivty despite all the haters in her inbox who hve nothing better to do. also she looks exactly like a pinterest girl THE ENVY UGH 🤧 anyways i love her sm she's always hyping me up and complimenting me for no reason whatsoever which never fails to cheer me up 💕

@hwxnghyynjin BILLIE MY HANDSOME BOY, firstly can we just appreciate how god damn sexy he is bcs the fact that there isnt a billie visuals appreciation day where we all cry over how hot he is doesnt sit right with me 🤨 billie is a mutual of mine from my old acc so we go WAYYY BACK and i can't think of any other mutual i would rather have find this acc (well technically i told him but who cares) he is the cutest bean ever and his smile is so so so so precious it just lights me up inside hes so cute sjakhska :(( someone stop me im fangirling anyways billie is just the light of my life rlly and we dont interact much nowadays but i still feel so comfortable with him which is a huge thing for me. I just love him 😭

@lunarxsun luna is the cutest most adorable most precious person to exist istg words cant explain how hard working she is, i rlly hope one day she gains the recognition she deserves bcs her ocs are SO GOOD 😩 shes always so positive no matter what the haters say and i love that abt her. She's always coming into my ask box to give a little hello and i rlly appreciate it so so much, she's always thinking abt those around her and u can tell she genuinely loves her mutuals, shes such a good person and im manifesting with her that she meets her future husband at the COOL club ;)

@clelevanters tala is an angel that was sent down by god for being too horny and i will stand by that statement 😤 she rlly was blessed by god with those stunning visuals and stunning voice too?? Apparently she sings and im crying bcs i haven't heard her heavenly voice yet 😭 shes such a positive bundle of energy and i love when she randomly pops into my ask box simping over enha or the dark moon characters sjsjsksj tala also shares my pegging kink ugh could she get any better. Shes yet another one of my mutuals who i just wanna protect with all my might and also the fact that shes younger than most of us makes her so babie :( enhablrs babygirl me thinks

@polalvsjy MAE IS THE HUMAN PERSONIFICATION OF COTTAGECORE ISTG SHES SO SOFT AND CUTE except she listens to chase atlantic- shes one of the most beautiful person ive seen im not even joking. She gives off HUGE golden retriever vibes and its so adorable 😭 literally jakes soulmate in my opinion. She's also extremely talented LIKE FIRST SHES AN AMAZING WRITER AND THEN I FIND OUT SHE CAN SING LIKE AN ANGEL, DRAW LIKE PICASSO AND DANCE?!?!? God truly does have favorites 🤧 i always look forward to seeing her on my dash and in my inbox <33 i feel like it’d be rlly nice to just have a picnic with her and talk abt anything bcs shes so easy to speak with <3

@forjongseong NANA IS LITERALLY MY SOULMATE ATP HER MUSIC TASTE IS CHEFS KISS SHE ALSO LISTENS TO MAYE TOO SO LIKE 😍 once again a very very very talented mutual of mines,, her carmesi series OH MY GOD SHE MADE ME FALL IN LOVE WITH THE SECRETARY!JAY AGENDA. We actually dont interact as much as it feels like we do bcs i just feel so comfortable with her and i love that abt her, i love how shes such a kind inviting person and also extremely pretty too might i say 👀 shes adorable and her love for jay is even more adorable skjndk i always look forward to seeing nana on my dash and i hope we can become even closer!!

@drunkjaked SAX IS ALSO MY SOULMATE STFU she introduced me to kehlani and i’ll always love her for that 💕 we also havent interacted much but it feels like shes a lifelong friend whenever we talk with eachother! Shes such a talented writer and im proud to be mutuals with such a sweet and funny person such as her. I hope that in the future we can become closer friends and i hope she takes care of herself <33

@donghoonie-3 AVERY MY LOVE istg describing how precious they are is impossible, i always love seeing them interact with other ppl on my dash, and HE ALSO SHARES MY LOVE FOR SUBBY HOON 🥹 the best sub!hoon blog on here imo. I dont have much to write bcs we dont interact much but i truly do love and care for them <33

@hee-pot @vivvys @robyncore @4hsng @thots4hee @softforqiankun @amourhee @svnoohe4rts @muffinminnie @criceofpain @blond4enha @sluttyenha @taekookstiddiemilk @nyanggk @valley-of-lies @2minbin @heetro @pandorasblogbcuzican @tfwheeseung @yunskies @jinfie-lvr ILY GUYS I RLLY DO BUT WE HAVENT INTERACTED ENOUGH FOR ME TO WRITE ANYTHING 😭 but i srsly do love u all equally and i hope we can interact more in the future mwah <33 also if i missed out any moots the same goes for you guys

[not-me-simping-for-blasty]

bakugou thoughts pt 2001847471 :)))

- if u go to the park, and somebody is like, walking their dog n the animal barks at y’all??? bakugou is barking back. mans full on squares up, n barks at the dog until it backs off

- he rarely gets into shows/series, but when he finds one he likes, he’ll only watch the first few episodes and then make u watch the rest with him. he’ll always say sum “if i dont watch with you, then i gotta make extra time for your needy ass. ‘m prioritizing my fuckin’ time. it doesn’t mean anything, shut up.” ...... he’s lying. it does mean something. it means he wants to share the things he likes with u

- pls he’s so smart, and generally pretty aware, but sometimes he’ll just do something so duMb. like, u kno that thing that happens sometimes with hair?? like, when it sticks to ur fingers and no matter what u do, u can’t get it off?? bakugou is literally breaking his wrist a foot away from u, shaking his hand back and forth and cursing soooo loudly. u just gotta go up to him and gently remove the hair from him like “oh honey- no.”

- peanut gallery comments. lots of them. mans will sit fully dead silent, not talking for the whOle day, but the second u do something embarrassing?? like trip??? suddenly he has a LOT to say ..... smh men

- animals just always like him. its absolutely unexplainable bc he’s so loud n moves super suddenly,,, but the amount of street animals that follow him home is ridiculous. srsly. sometkmes he even has other people’s pets trying to follow him home

- respects absolutely no one n that somehow strangely makes him the most respectful u’ve ever seen??? like- he hates everyone the exact same so u won’t ever catch bakugou in an act of discrimmination

- he can’t draw at all but if u asked him to draw something, it’ll be the same skull every single time. it’s a good skull, but it’s soooo obvious he learned how to draw it from a tutorial in the midst of his emo phase

- will fully make fun of others for baby-talking around their s/o, n then just fully go home n look at you like “tired.” “hungry.” “kiss.”...... like okay baby man, maybe try putting a full sentence together before u start trying to run your mouth. hypocrite.

- probably sleeps like the dead. contrary to popular belief, i absolutely do not believe he’s up at every single noise. man’s could sleep thru an explosion, im sure of it. that being said tho, it’s probably actually hard for him to turn his brain off n fall asleep. he prob goes to bed so “early” bc he has to wind down for a good hr or two until he’s ready to actually sleep

- he’s got a vendetta against salespeople. like, if his phone rings with some bullshit about a product? if somebody, god forbid, tries to walk up to your door? fully frothing at the mouth annoyed. will chew out any employee who’s too underpaid not to listen to him

- eats like an absolute animal. no rlly, its bad. holds his spoon with a fist and digs at his meal like its the gold rush. the worst table manners you’ve ever seen rlly

- he gets sorts antsy if he sits for too long, so he’s always off doing random shit. like, u’ll look out the window n he’s just like, raking the .3 leaves from ur driveway, probably trying to guess where the wind will be so they wont blow back

- ik this with my heart and soul okay,,, bakugou has never had a conversation with u that wasnt from exactly .2 meters away. like,, if he’s comfortable, then he’s just close all the time. like he’s waving his hands around and yelling and you just have to take his face in ur hands and go “im literally right here. ily but pls tone it down for the sake of my hearing.”

- very much guard dog behavior when y’all go out. absolutely will not leave ur side for even a second, like, at a bar or during a concert. even if u go to the bathroom he’s like, leaning against the wall and waiting right outside the door

- gets absolutely bitchy about your phone blowing up while you’re hanging out. its not that he’s suspicious that ur, like, cheating on him, it’s just that he doesnt understand why u’d even leave ur phone on in the first place since he always has his turned off when ur around. if he gets annoyed enough he’ll fully take the phone out of ur hands, say sum “yeah, you don’t fuckin’ need this anymore. you’re done with this.” n toss it across the room while he kisses u senseless

- tbh his ultimate love language is 100% playfighting. v much would go heart eyes if u even seemed like u might try n wrestle him. obvi u dont win, but his favorite is how u laugh while he pins ur hands above ur head

- he sneers at other angry people. will fully, fully sit there like “jesus christ, they need to calm the hell down. annoying as shit- fuckin’ loud too.” ....... -i. who’s gonna tell him

- silent conversations with ur eyes. no rlly. if y’all are with friends and somebody says something questionable, bakugou is immeadiately turning to u, eyes hardly even shifting but u just know he’s hurling insults in his head

- he doesnt realize his own strength sometimes. like- he knows he’s strong, but if u ever open a door n ur like “woah, careful, this is heavier than it looks” bakugou is .2 steps behind u practically ripping the damn thing off it’s hinges. he’ll look at it, huffing like he doesn’f even understand the issue

- he rlly likes when u call him by his name. pet names are fine, but he srsly is super soft for the simple stuff. like when u look over at him, all excited, smile wide like “hey katsuki, u gotta see this! c’mere!”

- his road rage is severe. no rlly. bakugou drives like every day is a race n he’s one win away from going formula one. you’re pretty sure that the only reason he passed his license test is bc the instuctor was too terrified to tell him no

- bakugou probably does that thing where if you’re sitting on the counter top, watching him cook, he’ll stand between ur legs. hands on ur thighs or resting on ur hips while you tell him about your day

- can’t explain this one, but he doesnt kill spiders. he takes them outside. says sum “they eat ticks, idiot. what- you actually want a fuckin’ blood disease? Hah? ‘m not gonna kill it. motherfucker’s gotta earn his keep before dyin’ just like the rest of us.” while he v gently picks the spider up into his hand and walks it outside

- ik that his one cheat food is sugary cereal. like, he’s a health freak, but the one thing he can’t help but make a concession for is sugary cereal on the weekends

- he’ll sometimes get in this over-stimulated mood where everything pisses him off, n the only thing u can do is leave him alone. u learn this quick bc his anger doesn’t discrimminate and if u push him even after he tells u what’s up?? pls bakugou will lash tf out. at u. like, ik y’all like to write it but that whole “it’s okay- it’s just me. just look at me.” thing does not work with him,,, u literally gonna get merc’d if u try

- he’s probably a guy who’s gonna be super big on passing touches. like he drops his hand on ur head when he passes, or bumps his shoulder into urs when he laughs. no footsies tho. too sappy even for him- pls if u tried to initate that he’d crush ur toes under the table aHAHAHA

- feeds every street cat he comes across. is probably super fond of the ones with a bunch of scratches/scars on them. he’d die if u knew, but one time u caught him feeding a scratched up calico n going “bet u beat his stupid ass, right? that’s my girl. we always win, huh?”

—/—

surprise suprise,, my brain rlly never shuts the hell up about this man

[iwaqchan-archive]

this is my piece for @bnhaclaimedmysoul spring time event (ik im lik super late but i wanted to get this right!!). hopefully you can excuse my tardiness, i rewrote this like 5 times because i just rlly didn't like how the story went but now i think it's quite nice so hopefully you enjoy it too!! (it's also the longest thing i've written up to date) but it was awfully fun and just an honor writing this for you and also getting to know you in this short time we had !! @hipster-merchant-of-death

also special thanks to @leeswritingworld and @lady-bakuhoe for both encouraging me, kicking my ass and beta reading this for me and helping me get it right!!

pairing; katsuki bakugou x reader

word count; 1001 words

warnings; none except some cuss words?

The grass beneath your fingers felt almost silky to the touch as you let them dance through the delicate blades. Your back was comfortably pressed against the trunk of a tree, wind rustling through it's pastel coloured leaves, the only sound in the otherwise unusually quiet park, apart from the soft hums leaving your lips. It had been an unusually warm day for this time of year, bright yellow beams of light reflecting on your skin, almost igniting it with an unfamiliar warmth, but it didn't matter to you. Not when the smile on his face shone so much brighter than any ray of sunlight ever could, his crimson eyes beaming at you with so much adoration you really couldn't help the blush forming on your cheeks.

How one person, especially someone like Katsuki who was rash and bold and never minced any of his words could make you feel so many emotions,you weren't sure. Perhaps it was the way his smile looked so kind and genuine whenever he laughed at one of your, admittedly, terrible jokes. Or the way his hands gingerly caressed the velvety skin of your cheeks, his slightly chapped lips pressed firmly against yours in what could only be described as an unyielding kiss. You figured it was all of the above and yet so much more.

"You're spacing out.", his rough voice cut through the air, inadvertently ripping you out of your dream-like state. Your eyes snapping towards his, a sheepish glint flickering in them as you looked at the boy in front of you.

"I'm sorry, Katsuki. I guess I got lost in thought." He narrowed his eyes at you, suspicion and a tad bit of amusement crossing his handsome features.

"There is no one else here besides us, what could possibly have you so distracted, nerd." Despite his rather menacing look, his words held no real malice, that wolfish grin of his soon replacing his signature scowl.

"Well....you." Your answer came with virtually no hesitation, no hint of shame or embarrassment. It was so earnest, so pure it made his cheeks flare up with colour, the witty remark he had, dying in his throat. Of course, this didn't go unnoticed by you, every slight change in his usually harsh behavior was something you observed with great delight. Every blush, every soft smile, every reaffirmation of his love, you cherished. "Cat got your tongue, Katsuki?", amusement palpable in that sweet honey-like voice of yours, it always so irritating when you played coy with him. Not because he didn't enjoy it, on the contrary, but it made him feel flustered, and that was something he didn't like.

"We should eat the damn food before some ants beat us to it.", he grumbled, cheeks still dusting a soft pink as he turned his attention to the basket containing said food.

It was truly a blessing to see him in such a vulnerable state, or as vulnerable as Katsuki would allow anyone to see him, so you decided not to tease him any more, instead helping him unpack the snacks you both prepared and carefully placing them on the blanket below you.

"You know, I am glad we get to spend the day like this. It's been a while since we had the chance to just...be together.", Katsuki didn't miss the sad undertone of your words, or the way you seemed to avoid his sharp gaze, being quite fascinated with the small pieces of food in your bento box. He may not be able to show it, but it pained him just as much. Obviously he would rather spend the day with you, lounging and just enjoying each other's company, but he wanted to be number one. And for that, he had to do everything in his power to succeed, even if it hurt him.

"Yeah," He released a shaky breath, running his hand against his face as he rubbed his eyes, obviously struggling to convey the emotions he was feeling in this moment, not wanting to show any weakness, "I- miss it too... but I can't stop until I'm number one. I can't expect to become the goddamn best if I just half-ass everything. And I know I'm not good at feelings and shit, but I miss you too, dumbass."

His words shocked you. You weren't expecting such a blunt answer from him when you expressed your heartache, maybe a rather curt "Stop being sappy, dumbass". Which, in all honesty, that would've been fine. Like he said before, Katsuki really wasn't well versed in communicating his feelings.

You opened your mouth to reassure him that you fully understood his goal, and were there to support him regardless, when he suddenly pulled you into a bone crushing embrace, that had the air knocking out of your lungs. He pressed his face into the crook of your neck, a shaky breath tumbling from his lips as he held you close, one of his hands finding solace in your (h/c) tresses while the other was placed firmly on the small of your back. Your eyes closed as your hands wound themselves around his neck, pressing yourself against his toned body even more. Softly, you whispered sweet nothings into the exposed skin of his neck, gently caressing the hairs on the nape of his neck, a calming gesture that never failed to ease his nerves.

The warm rays of light danced across your skin, the food on the polka-dot blanket below you seemed almost forgotten as he slowly, hesitantly lifted his head from your shoulder. Placing his forehead against your own, both of his hands moving from their respective places to hold your face, making sure your eyes were locked with his.

And as the sun started to set, the light and it's warmth leaving you exposed to the chill of the night, and yet neither of you seemed to care as the only warmth you really needed was the love you shared.

[jaehyunrk]

♡

i honestly don’t know where to start with this so i’m probably going to ramble on! i’ve been in rk since i think it’s first year as yixing (lmao who remembers him!!!) kept him for about a year and a half before i had to drop him to focus on school and then i picked up jaehyun!!! and then haknyeon (my favourite boy ever) ♡ ya girl in uni now!!!! i guess you could say i grew up with rk –– i joined when i was what? 15? and now i’m a 20 year old grandma lmaoooo someone get me my senior parking spot! rk has known me pre-haknyeon which is Pretty Amazing... alright here we go !!! 

first things first; shout out to gmg!!! the people that i’ve practically grown up with! @taeminrk @rkrachel @rkyoungjae @rksungho @rkinho @kibumrk ♡ 

i’m so thankful to have such a great group of friends! really, what started off as a way for chanel to babysit me and carly (lmaosjkhskjs) turned into all of you guys trying to get me to watch madoka and then me FINALLY!!!! watching madoka!!! you guys are just some of the people i’m most thankful to. tbh, idk if i would ever be able to enjoy rookies without you. it’s nice to know that we can talk about everything, and that i feel so comfortable with all of you. i could write a whole long ass letter for each and everyone one of you individually but AM I REALLY THAT SAPPY ?! yes i am bitch so lets mfin do this

@rkrachel hope i love u so much!!!!! i’ll always think that you’re actually like fifty years older than me because you’re always so level headed and mature!!! i love those pictures of ur big dogs (horses) and its always fun when we get updates about ur farm!!! i dedicate this video to u!!! i love plotting with you and it’s always such a joy just talking to you!

@rkyoungjae CASSIE!!!! i feel like we havent spoken much recently because we’ve both been so busy with irl stuff! but our friendship started even before rookies with a gc with carly in it! i’ll never forget how you were one of the very first rp/internet friends i ever made and just how comfortable i immediately felt with you! i hope you’re doing well and that life is treating you kindly because you deserve it!

@kibumrk kate! plotting with u is always super fun!!! and i love the relationships our characters tend to build! i know i meme a lot but i love u and yes i know the earth isnt 2018 years old !!!! kibum is one of jaehyun’s closest hyungs and his dad figure (who is now like an older brother figure ... they grow up so fast... <3 ) remember not to stress out too much, to take things slowly and that i love you!!!

@rkinho chanel OMG tbh the first time i found out ur name i was like “this bitch EXPENSIVE???” but anyway i love YOU!!! you are WISE and kind and such a joy to talk to!!! somehow our muses also always end up in interesting relationships and i love it when u come into the gc with random stuff to say LOL lets become a broadway star and get cute boys!!!!!!!!!!

@rksungho LEX!!!!! where do i begin omg !!! i feel like we truly got closer last year and tbh i do not regret it at all !!!! becoming closer to you was one of the best things to have happened to me and i’m so glad that we have such a good relationship now. i LOVE talking to you and plotting with u and just everything with you in general! i feel so comfortable talking to you about literally anything and it’s always so fun just dming you or talking to u on discord or twitter because its just!!!!! FUN!!!!! really u make me so super happy and i hope you know that ♡

@taeminrk CARLY..... we’ve been friends for about 5??? years as well omg but it always feels like its so much longer!!!!!!! ik we’ve both been busy but you’re such a blessing to have in my life! it’s always nice talking to you and i like how we can talk about literally everything. when i was going through hard patches in my life you were there for me (through ib, school, life) and i’m thankful for that! i’m glad to see how much you’ve grown up and i know you’ll go far in life ♡ ur birthday is soon so im leaving more cheesy stuff till then but just know THAT I LOVE YOU even if i clown you thats just how i show affection

- love gmg’s forever maknae 

NEXT UP!!! MY FAVOURITE PEOPLE!!!!!!

rose / @rkyeri : UHMMMM I LOVE YOU SO MUCH???? can you BELIEVE that we’ve been friends for like two??? three??? years??? WOW!!!! you’re literally one of my favourite people EVER and we talk almost everyday and tbh i never get bored of talking to you!!!! the ri to my jae ♡ you’re honestly one of my bffs and i can tell u anything and we’re always being fools (remember when we thought kaeun was 20 years older than wonyoung omg i still cant BELIEVE)!!!! icb the first thing i said to u was “hi i heard u liked blonde yixing” and something like “im reading manga” LIKE..... but really i just love u so much!!!!!! you’re the ro to my fi ♡ i love jaeri literally #bestrkcouple and we are #bestcouple !!! im glad that i can talk to you about anything ♡ im sure u know how much i love u because i literally always tell u i love u!!! youre an amazing dancer and it’s always so amazing to see how far you’ve come!!! CLASS A DANCER RANK #1 IN MY HEART

phil / @rkdoyoung @rkljy : thank u next... im kidding SJSSHS icb how close we’ve gotten in the span of a year omg i feel like i’ve known u for like ever!!! my literal actual soulmate we talk almost everyday and idk how it happened but we’ve gotten into the habit of saying “(insert the boyz member) MORNING” HAHAHAHA u know i love u clown and idk what i’d do without u now!!! ure like one of my fave ppl to talk to and whenever i see a notif from u i get a soft smile :’) jyujyu have got nothing ON PHIFI the true otp ♡ tbh i still cant get over how alike some of the things we do are and how we do some of the same things at the same time despite timezones skjhskjh #PHIFICULTURE!!!!! our one shared braincell really brought us a long way !!! anyway ure literally like my other half especially when it comes to dumb shit so just know that i love u clown ♡ 

lari / @rkbyunbaek​ : LARI!!!!!! i love u so much!!!! we haven’t written much together in a long time but that’s okay! because in my heart baekhyun is still one of jaehyun’s faves!!! talking to u is so great and i’ll never forget #sopafoursome and how much i love them! all your muses always make MY muses smile and you’re just a huge bundle of joy i love seeing you, your muses, your tweets literally anything!!! and you’re such a comfort to have!!! i love u and i hope you always know that ♡

GCS & COMPANIES

i know im not the most active in gcs lately so my apoligeez.... i wont tag ppl but i love all of these gcs im in !!!! and the ppl in it!!!

royal ! there’s so many of y’all so i wont tag but wow!!! i feel like this is the longest lasting company any of my muses has been in??? i love u guys so much and icb jaehyun went from being one of the maknae of royal boys to LITERAL HYUNG LINE.... omg all my grandmas where u @ !!!!! the gc is such a joy to be in, everyone is so incredibly sweet and i love each and every one of you! seriously!!!!

royal boys ! jaehyun’s old but he will try to be a good hyung!!!! he rly went from maknae line to hyung line just like that!!! he will be a good hyung!

nova ! at first i had no idea what to expect being in a gc for a company that none of my muses have ever been in!!! but everyone was so incredibly sweet and i’m so glad that haknyeon got into nova ♡ 

nova boys ! i love u guys a lot!!!! i know i dont talk as much in the gc lately but just know that i love the nova boys!!!!! you’ve all made me and haknyeon feel so welcomed and i love how we meme things and have #incorrectnovaboys aka my fave thing about nova boys!!!! if nova boys dont debut together i think hak and i would cry

rknctea ! tbh i always ghost on the gc but its so funny when i open it up and i see y’all talking about the randomest things LMAO i’ll try to ghost the gc less when i get more free but you guys have been really welcoming to new nct muns and its fun to see what all the stuff you talk about and randomly jump in!!!!

thebuwuyz ! for putting up with the constant crying over the boyz... i love y’all!!! the gc gets random at times but do know that i love it and whatever we talk about! it’s always super fun just talking in the gc!!! #stantheboyz!!!!!

SHOUTOUTS TO @woojinrk​ @jaehwanrk​ @jungeunxrk​ @rkseonho  @rkpcy​ and @rkariel​ !!!!!

@ ang: literally my bff the girl i’ve known for YEARS now... lets have our muses cover hily one more time.... yixing & kris are too iconic for us to ever forget!!!! i love u ang ♡ (i’ll text u more memes)

@ haru: WHEN WILL WE EVER FINISH PLOTTINGKJSHHSHS but rly its so fun to just talk to u too even tho we always sidetrack for plotting just talking to u is fun!!!!

@ moose: I LOVE U!!!! and i loved what yeeun and jaehwan had until i clowned myself and had her cleared </3 but (cowboy emoji) ur love for kenta and sanggyun is adorable and we should plot again sometime.... love u!!!!

@ leo: we got closer after seonho got into royal and tbh i still think ure dongmin for some reason!!!!! im terrible at threading but i still love our kids!

@ mari: we havent spoken in so long but i’ll never forget LAYHAN!!!!! what introduced me into the world of rp-shipping lowkey.... they played such a big role in my rk journey and i always loved talking about them with u!!!! still forever in my heart!!!!

@ mei: we havent spoken in so long TOO but i’ll never forget yixing and tiffany!!!! kt mean girls squad!!!! and ofc “yixing: here comes trouble!!!!” its been so long since then and i can’t believe that tiffany/ariel’s going to debut OMG!!!! imagine yixing streaming her songs in china and showing off that he knows famous ppl

i’m sorry if i didnt tag a lot of people !!!! its bc this is the only time im free enough to write this!!!! love u all!!!

[babygirlblogging-lise-blog]

My First

I failed my driving test. 

That was in the fall of 2017, I was a senior in high school. All of my friends were getting their licenses and cars while I was stuck being a passenger. The woman who failed me thought I wasn’t confident enough. Like damn, can’t even be nervous without being penalized these days huh? She failed me for the most ridiculous shit. But that has nothing to do with the story I plan on telling. 

A few weeks before my eighteenth birthday I tried again. This was something I needed to do before I turned 18. Giving up wasn’t an option. There was no way I wanted to retake my written if I didn’t pass before I was considered a legal adult. The guy who tested me this time? He was fine as hell and now that I think about it, I was supposed to text him when I turned eighteen. I lost his number, sadly. But that also has nothing to do with the story. I want to tell you the story about the first guy I-

-’ve always been cheap. I was ten when my aunt was going to get a new car. I convinced her to save her old car for me so that when I started driving I wouldn’t have to buy a car. By the end of the summer of 2017, my grandpa fixed up the old car and I was all good to go. Free to go wherever I wanted. I no longer had to wait around for people, waste money on lyfts or walk. So naturally, I took myself on adventures. 

One night, against my better judgement. I lied to my mom and said I was going to hang out with my friends. If I would have told her what I was really going to do, she would’ve gone into over protective mode and I didn’t want that. I just wanted some time to myself. I drove over the bridge and into Philly. Not for a concert or any other event. I just wanted some me time. I parked my car. Got oreo ice cream and sugar cookies from Insomnia Cookies and walked around the city. 

Not going to lie and say I knew exactly where I was at all times. I wasn’t even guaranteed that I was safe, I wasn’t focused on my surroundings. All I know is I was somewhere around Broad Street, because that’s where Insomnia Cookies was located. I came across this huge, gorgeous building, I’m not very good at names. Everything was lit up and there was art on the sides of some of the buildings surrounding it. There was even a fountain in front of it all. The scene just looked so beautiful. I walked across the street, hopped up on a ledge and just took it all in. It felt serene, even with so many people flooding the sidewalks. I sat and continued eating my snacks, I was enjoying clearing my head. Until someone interrupted me that is… 

“Hey.” I looked up to see a cute guy. There were a few girls not too far from me talking. It was the beginning of August, late at night but still pushing eighty degrees. Of course they were clad in clothes that left nothing to the imagination. I figured he was talking to them. Guys like the ones who look easy. He couldn’t have been talking to me. So I went back to dipping my cookie into my ice cream and admiring the scenery. I didn’t really acknowledge the fact that he moved a little closer to me. He said hey again and I finally looked up at him directly, before looking around. He laughed a little. “I don’t blame you for being that into ya snacks. I love their shit. But I’ve been trying to get your attention for a minute.” Yep, he’s definitely talking to me. I was confused as to why though. I get hit on by guys pretty often, I know I’m not ugly but with him talking to me, I felt extremely insecure. Suddenly I wished that I had dressed a little better. I looked like a child for fucks sakes. I was wearing a gold fish shirt, black tights, a hat that said “Hoodrats” and Chucks. I was even swinging my legs off the ledge, eating ice cream! 

He introduced himself as Dey. I wanted to know the name his mom gave him so I asked him for his full name. Ayinde. Pronounced Uh-zhen-day. Unique. It has African origins. He told me that my name was almost as pretty as I was. If I were white, I definitely would have blushed. I didn’t understand why he made me feel so shy. 

 I learned that he was mixed with Irish, Haitian and Cuban. Interesting mix, I know. Despite his slight baby face, he turned out to be 20. He was tall, about 6’1. He had taken his hat off to redo his ponytail, he tied his curly, brown hair back into a man bun. He was light skinned with a slight tan. Doe brown eyes paired with the cutest smile. He was dressed in all black, I would’ve been a little concerned if it weren’t for the logo on his hat. I could see a tattoo peeking out from under his short sleeved shirt. Just my type. 

I was tired of the small talk and beating around the bush. “Why’d you come over here to talk to me?” Instead of replying, the douche just smiled and then hopped up on the ledge next to me. It was weird. I was supposed to be having me time, if any other guy did this I would’ve been rude. I wouldn’t have given them the time of day. I wasn’t even afraid, Ayinde strangely made me feel safe. Something was telling me to give him a chance, instead of shutting him down. 

“Well, I was on break, I work across the street.” He points to a small cafe. “I saw you walk by and… I don’t know I thought you were beautiful. Now that I’ve gotten closer, it seems so effortless. No make up and you’re not even dressed up.”

Shit, I have no clue what to say to this. He’s been nice and respectful. “Thank you.” Well, that was lame but it was safe. We talked more before he had to go back to work. He was funny as hell, we both had the same rude, dark, sarcastic humor. He complimented me pretty often and he seemed kind of bummed that he had to leave once his break was over. 

“Why don’t you grow some balls and just ask me what you wanna ask me.” I thought to myself, I should be a fucking actress. I’m great at faking confidence. 

He laughed and just smiled at me for a second. “Well, I would like to get to know you more. Can I get your number?” 

You know when you give someone your number, you almost expect them to wait days or weeks to text you. Surprisingly, Ayinde texted me that night. 

AYINDE: hey beautiful, u get home safely?

ME: Oh shit, I see u found ur balls! 

AYINDE: lol yea yea yea. I know I was acting like a pussy earlier but that’s not how I usually am

***

AYINDE: FT me? I haven’t seen u since we met punk

ME: No I look crazy rn 

AYINDE: Is tht even possible? I think you’re cute af

ME: aww thanks but everyone’s entitled to their own insecurities

AYINDE: Ig but that’s y u need me 

ME: wym?

AYINDE: to take away your insecurities

ME: Doubt that’s possible 

AYINDE: try me

***

ME: entertain meee! I’m bored, stuck at my great grandma’s house :(

AYINDE: I literally just woke up, still in bed

ME: Luckyyy, my head’s fucking killing me

AYINDE: wish I could help

ME: me too lol do u have superpowers? 

AYINDE: no, do u?

ME: Nah I’m not tht awesome 

AYINDE: I think ur pretty awesome

Ayinde and I got closer over the next month. We hadn’t actually seen each other after the first time we met. He worked crazy hours and still had school. I worked everyday and had school as well. Plus, I wasn’t completely comfortable meeting up with a guy I didn’t really know. He understood that. He always made sure I was comfortable before we did anything. He eventually convinced me to facetime him… a lot... and when we didn’t he acted like a big baby.

ME: u happy now?

AYINDE: lol no

ME: y not -_-

AYINDE: I got nothing pretty to look at now

ME: whose fault it tht?

AYINDE: idk. Do u kno?

ME: Lol yea ik

AYINDE: tell me 

ME: yours :P

AYINDE: well if u came over we wouldn’t have this problem

I was a very late bloomer. I knew freshmen girls who got pregnant, meanwhile I hadn’t had my first kiss until I was 16. I didn’t start dating until 17. I was a fresh 18 and I was still a virgin. I waited a while to tell him because I liked him and didn’t want to scare him off. But he surprised me, I learned that he wasn’t like other guys. Most guys only want you for one thing. And that’s to get them off. Not all are gonna be lovey dovey when you’re not putting out. 

ME: I hate being a girl. I think my uterus just exlpoded. Im dying

AYINDE: Aww u can’t die yet, I havent taken u out yet

ME: wut do u want from meee

AYINDE: I told u what I want 

ME: hmmmm

AYINDE: i didnt? 

ME: u could have an ulterior motive

AYINDE: lol what? Ayo y cant I just think ur gorgeous and want to get to kno u, find out who u r

***

He was very protective of me. Anytime I even looked a tiny bit sad or sounded off, he was ready to beat someone up for me. 

AYINDE: ur awake? 

ME: Yea just woke up on some bs 

AYINDE: u good?

ME: yea im ok lol

AYINDE: u sure? I’ll fuck someone up

ME: lol yea im good now

And as the oldest, always looking out for my little brothers and my friends. It felt good to have someone looking out for me for a change. 

***

ME: I move into college tmw nd I aint pack shit yet

AYINDE: ur bugging

ME: Pack 4 me?

AYINDE: lol ill pass

ME: my back hurts like all hell, some of this shit is heavy

AYINDE: what u carrying…?

ME: 4 one, I hav a lot of clothes, they add up nd I had to take em downstairs

AYINDE: lol whoakay wittle wone

ME: fuck u, this shit weighs more than me! I almost fell down the stairs!

AYINDE: thts cuz ur like 87 lbs

ME: Aye! Give me my props, im like 120

AYINDE: lol i see u killa

I fucking loved when he called me that, made me feel invincible. 

Despite how it seems this isn’t a love story. This isn’t a memoir about me finding my first love. Bleh. That’s so sappy. I want to tell you about the first time I stepped out of my comfort zone. You’ve experienced a snippet of our relationship. Ayinde and I were never together. We were just people who met at the wrong time. Had too much going on in our separate lives to focus on developing a relationship. But it didn’t stop us from pursuing the unique friendship we had. For years we maintained contact, I’d visit him pretty often but we always kept our distance when it came to personal things. We used each other as escapes from our realities. We were each other’s vacation after a long week. 

One night we were hanging out and things got more heated than they usually did. I wasn’t prepared to take the next step with anyone. No worries, I’m not about to make you uncomfortable and talk about how I lost my virginity because that isn’t the point. Before I say anything, I did have a great childhood. But some things did leave me scarred, I struggled with intimacy as a result. To make a long story short, it makes me self conscious, not something I’ll flaunt for the whole world to see. 

I’m the type of girl who will wait until the bathroom is empty to change my pad or start going to the bathroom. If it’s too busy, I’ll wait all day until I go home. In the locker room, I’d find the farthest corner or wait until all the girls leave to change my clothes. I’m not comfortable being alone around men. I used to clench my pocket knife in my hand when I walked home alone at night. The list goes on. 

The point of this memoir is to tell about the first time I felt completely comfortable in my own skin. Let alone, around a guy. 

They were everywhere. Trailing from my neck and back up against mine. His lips were distracting. I could barely focus. Let alone notice that the both of us were wearing less and less clothing by the minute. I stopped. 

I wouldn’t be able to handle him not liking what he saw. What if I did a bad job? What if he stopped talking to me?

“Do you want me to stop?” Ayinde pulled back from me looking concerned. He looks so cute right now. I kind of wanted to pick up where we left off. 

“Ye-No. It’s just, can you turn the lights completely down?” He liked his room dim, not too bright or dark. It was normally perfect but at that moment, they were making this situation turn into a nightmare.

“Um, why? What’s wrong?” He’s still hovering above me. I didn’t really want him to move. I bit my lip, contemplating. 

“Just don’t look at me any differently. Okay?” I pulled him down by the back of his neck and kissed him hard. Hoping that my issues with myself wouldn’t be a big deal, I’ve never gone this far with anyone. 

When the time came. I held my breath. Okay, I see my pants on the floor near the dresser. My shirt is near the door. I was locating my clothing so that I’d be able to leave quicker. I’m not really one to feel embarrassed but this was going to be borderline humiliating if I wasn’t enough for him. This reminded me of how I felt when I failed my driving test, but I wanted to do this with Ayinde. I didn’t want to quit just because I hadn’t grown the balls to show anyone else. I didn’t want to miss out because I was nervous as to what he might think. I had to at least give him a chance. 

What Ayinde did shocked me. Instead of being grossed out or losing his hard on. He didn’t ask any questions, he didn’t say anything. He kissed every part of my body and when he was done he leaned down to kiss my lips. I was worried, about him seeing all of me, for no reason. He wound up giving me the confidence I needed to be comfortable in my own skin. He told me what I needed to hear from a guy that I was into, not my parents: 

“You’re beautiful.”

And just like that... I didn’t have anymore insecurities.