#same with this post but I'm tired as fuck and classes have already started so

[lesbean-sideblog]

A terf asked me for evidence of Lisa Morgan quoting Hitler and being a fucking nazi. I delivered. I want to share our dms because, as my polycule pointed out, the benefit of fighting with terfs and fascists in online spaces comes from visibility and showing people, especially younger people, how fucked up they and their ideologies really are.

They left a comment (now deleted) demanding evidence. I didn't at the time want to have a public discussion with them, and so reached out privately with resources. This is how our conversation went.

There are a few things I'd like to point out.

Terfs will do anything to avoid having to confront their shitty beliefs head on. Note the distraction techniques (such as going after @lostelvenqueen, who does great work, with baseless accusations), and what could be considered poor reading comprehension, gaslighting, intentional ignorance, or all three combined.

They love ignoring basic reality in more ways than one.

They will never, ever disagree with something one of their own is said, no matter how extreme.

They'll try to throw people off with general nastiness and immaturity ("prick" news). If you ignore these tactics you'll probably have some luck with cutting through the bullshit because they're ideology is contradictory, hollow, and fuel by hate.

They are at best nazi sympathizers. Refusing to speak out or even acknowledge people in your group going full nazi in the public eye makes you a fucking nazi sympathizer.

Notice how they stopped responding when put into a position of either having to disagree with other terfs or confirm their use of Hitler's rhetoric against a minority group.

[polyklok]

Nathan Explosion full Alphabets

Pickles

Skwisgaar

Toki

Murderface

If you’re unaware, I did an headcanon request thing using these two alphabets

It got a bit more popular than I expected and my askbox got flooded. I loved doing it! But I ended up cramming a lot in a short amount of time, so I’m just gonna finish off the alphabets for every Dethklok member. It might take awhile. If you’re getting impatient waiting to see what I said about your favorite boy, you can look up the tag “Polyklok is real” to find all my posts including the previous headcanon requests.

Anywho-

Fluff

A for Affection-

Slightly more affectionate than you’d expect! Nathan isn’t one to show a lot of emotions or vulnerability at first. There's a good chance that you're just a fun piece of eye candy to him. He might have an arm around you when in public, but things like cuddling are reserved for after sex and after sex only.

As he starts to open up, he becomes more and more addicted to your soft touches and gentle holds. He leans into you whenever you are vaguely close to him, nuzzling his face into your neck and letting his hands settle on your hips or waist. Soon, it becomes mandatory for him to be attached to you whenever you're in the same room. Especially whilst cuddling, he is not letting go. Will carry you to the bathroom if needed, just to continue feeling your warmth.

B for Best friend-

It’s sort of stressful. Not because of Nathan specifically, but because it’s fucking Dethklok. You’re going to need to live a very private life when you’re associated with them, unless you want to be stalked and harassed daily by overly-obsessive fans. And that’s if you can even get any of them to engage with you in the first place, which is a task within itself.

IF you somehow manage to pull off the impossible, Nathan is a pretty silly dude. If he already likes you, it’s fairly easy to make him relax and laugh with you. Most of the time, the two of you will be drinking and making fun of dumb stuff until early in the morning. But he’s never gonna really open up to you. If you try to get into his personal life or mental health, he’s just gonna straight up cut you off permanently. You’re luckily you weren’t killed by Klokateers.

C for Cuddles-

Once he's settled into the relationship and comes to terms about his more unbrutal feelings for you, he quickly becomes comfortable with regular, sappy couples things like cuddling. Very comfortable.

You know those dogs who are big but think they are small? He's kinda like that. If you're lucky, he'll scoop you up first and hold you against him. If you're unlucky, he's too tired to think of such a gesture and will straight up collapse on you. While 'Death by Nathan Explosion' may seem good in theory, the truth is that you have to stick around for him, which means you can't come to peace with suffocating in his phat tits. I'm sorry. If he does lay on top of you, it's gonna have to be across your legs while you scratch his scalp; his favorite way to cuddle BTW.

D for Domestic-

Nathan is a little complicated.

On one hand, he grew up among perfect domesticity. A nice, middle-class suburban neighborhood with a hardworking Dad and a stay-at-home Mom who loved each other and him very much. He often helped his Mom with chores around the house, went fishing and hunting with his Dad, even spent time on the farm with his grandpa. Everyone was happy and life was simple. Even today, when Nathan pictures the 'perfect lifestyle', he imagines a friendly community and being a part of a couple as loving as his parents are.

But then again, he wasn't ‘happy’. He despised the white-picket fences, and gossipy neighbors, and (gag) public school. He spent his early life trying to get as far away from that as possible. He lives to buy stupidly expensive shit, destroy it in the most violent way possible, fill his nights with drugs and booze, tour around the world singing about death and destruction, be worshipped by hundreds of hot girls only to watch their faces fall as he returns to you, and then have you screaming in his bed before the sun rises. Nathan wants chaos.

Eventually, you'll find balance. He realizes he create his own version of the American dream, with you by his side as his perfect partner, his equal. He'll still be apart of Dethklok, still live in Mordhaus, still write the most disgustingly graphic songs you can think of. But he now lives day-to-day craving his morning kiss, setting aside time to have a lunch date with you, sharing a few beers rather than getting shitfaced. Nathan learns to settle down in a way that makes both sides of him happy.

E for Ending-

Aw man :/

If it’s early in the relationship, he just straight up ghosts you. He feels bad for doing it but he’s too much of a coward to do anything else. It’s probably because he realized he didn’t like you that much, you couldn’t keep up with his lifestyle, or he was simply being a horny bastard and pining after others. I love him, but he’s still a rich, sheltered douchebag.

If it’s later on…he has a really hard time coming to terms. It’s gonna have to be a mutual decision, otherwise your both gonna be stuck in a miserable relationship. Maybe he realizes that his lifestyle is unfit for long term relationships, maybe you realize that you don’t suit him as well as you used to. He’s gonna make his explanation, hear out yours, hug you goodbye, and even provide some money to help you get by. But he’s not gonna talk to you again. His heart is too tender for that.

Potentially, if you really did mean a lot to him and changed him in ways he’s now grateful for, he’ll write a brutal song for you with secretly sappy and thankful lyrics. Then you get the satisfaction of knowing that you left on the best possible terms.

F for Fiancé-

For a long time, Nathan didn’t think he ever wanted to get married. It’s just didn’t fit his image. The idea of Nathan Explosion ever being a part of a celebration for holy matrimony? No way.

But when you started to sneak your way into his heart, marriage suddenly seemed like a wonderful possibility rather than a stupid consequence of the world. He tried to fight against it, which only made the urge worse. A pair of sparkling rings, wedding bells, flowers, you in absolutely beautiful outfit- all kept haunting his mind until it felt like he was going mad. He seriously considered dropping to one knee every time you smiled or laughed.

One day, you’re randomly swooped off to Georgia, on the ranch which is parents moved after Florida went to shit due to his political pursuit (we don’t talk about that). It’s the first time you formally meet them both but they’re already so glad to meet you; Nathan has said a lot over the phone and they know you make him happy. One night, during the visit, Nathan goes outside with his father, just the two of them. He asks his Dad when he knew he wanted to marry his Mom. They have a long talk about commitment, patience, love and life. That’s when he makes up his mind.

He proposes a week later and only cries a little when you say yes.

G for Gentle-

Nathan is huge. I don’t care how tall or wide you are, he’s bigger. And as much as he loves the size difference, his brain doesn’t really register that fact fully. He’ll squeeze with realizing he’s crushing you, wrap himself around you until you overheat, and occasionally fully consume you in his cuddles, as I’ve said before. It’s rare that he actually hurts you, it’s more annoying than anything. Just mention it and he’ll let up immediately with a small “Sorry.”

It’s similar in the emotional department. He's very blunt and, while he means well, it can cause some hiccups in your communication. He's never malicious but he often forgets to filter himself or add cushioning to his words, which might caused some hurt feelings. If it's a heated moment, he'll straight up walk away to give himself some time to breathe, think, reevaluate, and then go apologize to you so a solution can be figured out.

H for Hugs-

For a while, you thought Nathan hated hugs. And he sort of did. He never initiated them. He saw a full-body, front-facing hug as a way to greet his parents and...not much else. He also thought having to ask for a hug was embarrassing. Early on, if he's feeling touchy, he'll settle for groping at or leaning into you.

But he came around very quickly as soon as you fully embraced him. Just 30 seconds of your arms completely wrapped around him has him addicted and now he initiates them whenever you have a few passing minutes of free time. Still doesn’t like asking for them, though, he just does it and it’ll sometimes scares you.

I for I Love You-

If you say it to him, he’ll do the whole “I mrgghmrhyou too” thing. It’s gonna be a while until he completes the sentence, he’s stubborn. He’s knows he loves you and he knows that you know that he loves you but the words just seem so big, too big for him to say out loud.

But they’re not too big for Drunk Nathan! You’re helping him into bed after he’s had a long night filled with booze, swatting away his wandering hands from your body. You tug away his boots and jeans so he’s not too uncomfortable while he sleeps. “Thanks babe,” He mutters, head buried in a pillow, “I love you. So fucking much.” You pause, surprised grin spreading across your face as he promptly rolls over and falls asleep.

With time, the words will come out more and more clearly until he’s giving the casual “Love you.” Every morning and night, not even thinking much of it. But you’ll always remember the first time he said it to you, even if he doesn’t.

J for Jealousy-

He thinks jealousy is such an ugly look. He’s had girlfriends like that, obsessed with him and surveilling every single thing he does. It was awful. And he doesn’t want to be like that, especially not to you! So he tries; he really tries to be cool and levelheaded and to trust you completely. And he does trust you!

But he does not trust a room full of douchebags who think it’s alright to try and talk up his S/O! His chest burns with anger every time a creep stares you down or blatantly flirts. In public, he’ll stand right behind you and watch the entire room over your shoulder with the deadliest glare on his face. He totally fails at trying to be subtle about it. He can’t stand the thought that other people are having the same thoughts that he does about you. If you call him out on his jealousy, he’ll grumble and look away with an embarrassed blush.

Once you get home from some sort of social event, one where too many eyes happened to be staring at your body, he attached to you. He’s groping at and leaning into you, trying to consume you in his touch just to remind you that you’re his.

K for Kisses-

His kissing? Pretty good. He’s a bit rough, but he’s definitely not a bad kisser, especially if you’re into getting rough. He likes to keep his hands busy on your body when he kisses you and he groans against your lips if you ever start to mess with his hair. Very good experience.

He can make you go dizzy with a deep kiss or leave you quivering from a make out session without even blinking. What drives him crazy are soft, quick, passing kisses that you plant on him. A peck on his lips, face, or anywhere else will leave him blushing like a madman. He has no idea how something so simple makes him so flustered but he enjoys the feeling of butterflies in his stomach, wants you to do it more and more! He never gets sick of your small kisses.

L for Little Ones-

In the small community in Florida he grew up in, everyone knew everyone, which meant that all his stuck-up, judgmental neighbors knew how weird he was. Even though his parents were always supportive of him, that didn't stop fucking Cathy from down the street riding his ass at every block party. To avoid all the stupid questions and potentially beating up old people, he settled to hang out with all the kids during social gatherings. They were fascinated by his huge figure, alternative style, and gravely voice. He'd often find himself wrestling off tons of giggling toddlers, all with a huge smile on his face from the playfulness. This was a long way to say he's great with kids.

Kid's bring out Nathan's silly side. He's willing to drop his ego and act a little dumb just to make sure they have a good time; He'll roughhouse or play pretend or take a conversation about fictional dinosaur characters very seriously. It's honestly so adorable to see. As for having children? The thought scares him, he could name millions of protentional disasters just from the concept. But, if it's a serious want of yours, he'll consider it.

M for Morning-

Nathan thrives off of routine. He wakes up around noon and will not start his day off until he gets a morning kiss from you. He will sit in bed and pout until you finally peck his lips with a “Good Morning”.

After that, it’s pretty simple. At some in the relationship, the two of you have grown accustomed to each other’s procedures and habits, so you do practically everything in-sync. Most of the time, while getting ready, there’s a pleasant conversation that Nathan has grown to look forward to. Sometimes it discussing the day’s plans, sometimes it’s swapping the dreams had last night, or sometimes it’s just you reprimanding him for leaving such obvious bruises on your neck. No matter what, he’s happy he gets at least some time with you in his very busy schedule.

Despite what you might think, Nathan prefers to snack over the day than to have a large breakfast/lunch. Whether you follow suit or not, there will be some point where the two of you part ways so get can get work done, usually a meeting or early band practice. But before you go off to do your own thing, he always takes a moment to look into you eyes and share a small “Love You.”

N for Night-

Nathan stays up late. He’s a total night owl, always has been. In some cases, he’ll be partying and drinking his weight in booze. But most nights, he just wants to get work done, usually writing lyrics. Either way, he insists you go to bed before him and he’ll join you later. If he has been partying extra hard, it’s up to you that he actually makes it to bed. That’s if he goes to bed at all; he definitely pulls a few all-nighters every now and then.

At around 12-3 AM, you’ll wake up to the bed shifting and groaning under his weight. He’s stripped down to his boxers, he smells of either beer or chips, and he’s shushing you to stay asleep. He doesn’t mean to wake you up almost every night, but it’s sort of inevitable. Either way, he’ll kiss your forehead and gladly accept it when you eventually come crawling into his side.

O for Open-

At the beginning, it is absolutely minimal. It’s almost sad how little he’s willing to open up to you. Anytime the two of you talk, his answers are gonna be almost complete one-worded. Every date you go on a date, it’s exclusively for press and/or so he can get his dick wet afterwards. He truly believes that you’re only interested in him for his fame. He’s not mad about it, but he’s accepted it as the truth, so he doesn’t bother putting in any effort to actually engage with you.

But, over time, his heart will soften up and he realizes that-holy shit-he actually likes you and wants to be genuine with you. It starts out slow, like actually telling you about his day rather than just saying “Fine” or asking you questions about the side of your life that doesn’t revolve around him. He grows into admitting he cares about you or letting you in on band-business that’s supposed to be private. You can tell he fully trusts you when he’s willing to break down, let you comfort him while he cries, confess his weaknesses and allow you hear them because he knows that you won’t leave him for them. Then, and only then, does he realize how much he values you.

P for Patience-

It’s no secret that Nathan is a bit of a brat, or at the very least, a diva. It’s nowhere to the extent of his other bandmates (cough cough Skwisgaar) but he can certainly be picky or, yes, impatient at times. When it comes to small, inconvenient things, his anger is quick to spark up. It’s more so frustration than anything else, but he is still very clearly pissed off when something isn’t going how he wanted it to.

With you? He tries so hard to be levelheaded and cool. He’s willing to talk about it and work out solutions. But he has a tendency to just simmer in his own exasperation, especially when it’s something that has to just be dealt with rather than solved. A lot of the time, if he finds himself growing with anger, he will straight up walk away. It may seem disrespectful to you, but he’s just trying to keep himself from yelling or saying something stupid. He cannot lose you to an argument like that. Once he’s cooled down, he’ll return, apologize, and reaffirms that you’re okay with whatever is going on. Nathan really does want what’s best for you, no matter how angry he’s feeling in the moment.

Q for Quizzes-

Nathan wants to remember everything! He tries so hard to keep track of every little thing you say or do just because you’re so precious to him! But, more often than not, his brain will betray him and he’ll draw a blank when trying to decipher things about you. It’s not just you, he doesn’t have the most reliable memory in general. But he feels like such a bad boyfriend for not knowing things that should be obvious, like your birthday or favorite food.

At some point, he starts writing things down in his notebook. The very same notebook that holds reminders, inspiration, and lyrics for Dethklok songs. Every time you make a small comment that might be useful to him later, he quickly jots it down. It’s a little funny, right next to song titles like “Burn The Earth” and “Guts Punch Balls Throw-Up” he has little notes like “Favorite Flavor is strawberry :)”

BTW, you’re never allowed to see the notebook because you might also see notes such as “Looked super pretty this Sunday, made me happy” and how embarrassing would that be?

R for Remember-

It was such a quiet day. Nothing particularly exciting was happening, nothing particularly awful, either. He had spent hours sorting through paperwork, his brain still hurting with legal terms and signatures. Now, it was late afternoon, and the two of you were spending time on the couch.

By “spending time”, I mean he was writing lyrics, you were reading a book, and a large plate of French fries sat in the middle. Everything was so still. Occasionally you’d flip the page and grab a fry or he’d grumble and scribble something down. But besides that, perfect tranquility.

Until you decided you needed a drink. You left the room for a second, only a second, to grab a water or soda or beer. You just…got up and left. Like a normal person. But immediately, as soon as you were out of his presence, Nathan felt unnerved. The entire balance of the room shifted without you on a couch cushion beside him. He stared, dumbfounded, at the doorway as though you had abandoned him. He just missed you so much.

Less than three minutes later, you were back, with a drink in either hand. You place one by him, kissed his cheek in a way that made his heart flutter, and returned to your spot as though nothing had happened. Technically, nothing had happened, but those less-than-three-minutes had struck Nathan as so wrong, that when you returned, he was so, so internally grateful to have you there with him.

It was in that moment that Nathan realized how much he loved you, how important you were to him, how he couldn’t stand to be without you for a second. Even if the evening continued without him saying a word.

S for Security-

Yes, very much so.

Nathan fully believes that you’re “brutal as hell” and fully capable with handling whatever life throws at you. It’s one of the reasons he loves you! But he still acts so protective of you, he thinks that’s how a ‘good boyfriend’ should act (raised on traditional values and all). It’s adorable, how he insists on being your guard dog in public or carrying stuff you could’ve gotten yourself. It’s his own form of chivalry.

However, in a situation where your life is genuinely at stake, he freaks the fuck out. Adrenalin kicks in, he hyper-focuses on getting you out of there, even over his own safety. Remember when he saved Toki whilst Mordhaus was burning down? He’s not even blinking until he knows your secure, preferably in his arms. Afterwards, he’s pressed into you, rocking back and forth, sobbing that he could’ve lost you. He never wants to feel that way again.

If you were to protect him, potentially from rapid fans, he…Well, Nathan finds it hot. I’ll get more info this later, but Nathan thinks aggression is a very good look on you. He obviously wants to keep you out of harm’s way, but he might just let you yell for a little bit just to enjoy the image.

T for Try-

Early in the relationship, he goes all-out with expensive gifts, extravagant dates, and big gestures. Unfortunately, it’s not necessarily because he’s trying super hard, but he thinks it’s what will keep you happy. Again, in his mind, you’re only dating Nathan Explosion for the clout and/or money, so he’s gonna give it to you.

Eventually, he learns to be more personal with you. At that point, he tries so damn hard, not at making his romantic pursuits as bold, but more so at making them perfect for you. All your dates are planned so that you have the best time you could possibly have. The gifts become symbolic and personalized in a way only the two of you understand. His gestures become slightly more private, pleasing you rather than impressing those around you. He’s slightly embarrassed at his own sappiness but seeing the glow in your eyes is so worth it.

Day to day is about the same. Nathan has put in a lot of effort making sure that the two of you have a shared schedule that works and he’s super proud of it, having the comfort of you every single day.

U for Ugly-

As I said earlier, the first ‘phase’ of your relationship with Nathan is going to be difficult. He doesn’t trust you, he’s completely unwilling to share any details he deems “personal” which is most of them, and he really only dates you to say he’s dating someone and to show you off to the paparazzi. It’s…pretty pathetic. You’re gonna need to be tough in order to fight your way through to Nathan’s heart.

Even then, he has a streak of untrustworthiness. Not necessarily from you, but his jealously and clinginess can be a bit overwhelming sometimes. Not as bad as some other members though…

He’s incredibly stubborn. We’ve seen how picky he is with Dethklok’s music and that bleeds into other aspects of his life. He doesn’t enjoy sudden changes to his routine or unexpected events. He tries to be open-minded, but arguments might spark up if he’s feeling particularly hard-headed that day. Although, you are the only person he truly trusts an opinion from.

V for Vanity-

Most of the time, Nathan doesn’t really care. He likes to keep his appearance at least a bit brutal at all times, for sake of his image. His clothing is never too expensive or of high-quality. If he finds something that he likes, he buys multiples of it so he can wear it again. I’m also convinced that he dyes his hair because there’s no way it’s that black (look at his parents!). Outside of that, he’s not too concerned with how he looks.

Until he is. Every now and then, Nathan will get depressive mood for a bit and really start hating in his own appearance. He’s not in his peak physical form anymore; he’s fat and aging in a way that’s not super graceful. Online criticism of his every feature doesn’t help either. Which is why he really appreciates it when you start to love up on him, kissing random places and telling him how much you adore his body. He’ll mumble and look away and try to push you off a little bit, but his cheeks are heating up and his brain is tingling with all sorts of good feelings. Nathan loves being doted on.

W for Whole-

Like I said, Nathan likes routine. When you’re suddenly pulled out of the equation, his whole day is set off and he gets all moody until you come back. He doesn’t need to constantly be with you but he once he’s assimilated to your presence, he doesn’t ever want you to leave. At some point, deep in the relationship, you become an aspect of life to Nathan and he can’t even imagine trying to live without you.

So yes, in a sense, he’d be incomplete without you.

X for Xtra-

Even when he realizes that his relationship with you means much more than he originally realized, he still loves showing you off to cameras or at parties. With his arm around you, both wearing gorgeous outfits, he loves to show the entire world just how beautiful his S/O is and wants the world all to sob about it!

Before, pictures with his girlfriends used to be stiff and awkward. He just stood there, holding her hand maybe, whilst she posed for the camera. Now, he’s completely different. He’s wrapped around you, nuzzling into you, even smiling! The media goes crazy when he first does this with you; this is a side of him never shown to the public. It’s passionate, it’s tender, it’s so off-brand for Nathan Explosion! But he doesn’t care. He seriously gets off on the fact that you’re the only one that can make him feel this way and the only one he’ll act this way for.

Y for Yuck-

Lying. Nathan is already so guarded, so knowing that you are lying-for whatever reason- to him just cuts so deep and forgiving you will be a piece of work, if he decides to at all. Even if it’s something unpleasant, he just wishes you would talk to him and the two of you could work it out together.

After the whole “Rebecca’ incident, he can’t stand an S/O that’s too pushy or controlling of him. Who would’ve guessed, manipulating and bullying someone you’re supposed to be in a relationship with is not okay?! If you start off like this, he’s backing out immediately and probably calling you a bitch in the process. If you become worse over the course of the relationship, he might already be too far in love to realize how awful you’re being, so it’s usually his band members who are going to be calling you out on your bullshit. And there’s only a 50% chance you make it out of that alive soooooooooo….

Z for Zzz-

Nathan becomes a fucking wall when he sleeps. He’s on his back, he’s perfectly still, he’s gently snoring, and nuclear bomb couldn’t wake him up; you couldn’t even push him over you you tried. He likes to have you tucked under his arm when he gets into bed, but after he’s asleep, you could sleep directly on top of him for all he cares, he still won’t wake up. Probably would be super easy to suffocate.

Every now and then, you’ll wake up to him yelling his lungs out. Nathan is regularly frequented by prophecies nightmares and his reaction to them is not to thrash around or scream, but to just do the loudest, longest metal-growl you’ve ever heard. It’s terrifying to wake up to. Over time you’ll get used to it and begin to comfort him, usually by petting his hair and shushing him. He’s still half-asleep, so it’s not long before his eyes flutter shut once again. It becomes routine at one point.

Alright! And that’s fluff. Below there will be SMUT, including references to kink and BDSM. If you’re are sensitive to things that don’t qualify under “vanilla” sex, then this not for you babe.

A for Aftercare-

You are going to need it, babe. Nathan is prone to absolutely destroying you in the bedroom. Afterwards, though, he’s quite sweet (even if he won’t admit it). He likes to cuddle, soothing your aches and pains, kissing and fondling you gently. He’s vulnerable in this moments, exhausted from plowing you and soaking in his sentimental feelings for you. He keeps speaking to a minimum, sorry if you are into pillow talk. But he much rather care for you with actions rather than words.

If he’s feeling particularly romantic, he’ll get some Klokateers to start up a bath, completed with bubbles and scented oils. He knows it’s cheesy, but he really does have a soft spot for things like that, plus he gets an excuse to hold your naked body even longer.

B for Body Part-

He’s obsessed with you chest, no matter your gender or size. Groping with his large hands, running his fingers over your nipples to watch them perk up, leaving hickies all over. If you have boobs (or just large pecs) he loves watching them bounce while you fuck, his eyes are glued. If not, he still toys with your nipples, grinning as you whimper from the sensation. Nathan just loves your chest.

On himself; he has some lingering body issues, so he really doesn’t think to much about what he’s got going on during sex. That being said…he’s pretty proud of his dick. I’ll talk about it more during letter X but, oh lord, his cock is impressive. Nathan got some blessed genes in that department.

C for Cum-

Nathan comes in long, thick streams. He makes these beautiful grunting noises, hips thrusting forward and fists clenching onto whatever they can grab like your throat. He might just mutter some words about how filthy you are or how you drive him absolutely crazy as his cock twitches out his orgasm. As you might’ve guess, his favorite place to cum is on your chest, with you looking up at him like the god he is. Bonus points if you lick it up, he’ll get hard all over again.

D for Dirty Secret-

Obviously, like any good boyfriend, Nathan doesn’t like seeing you upset! He wants you to be happy, he wants life to be easy and good! But, whether directed at him or someone else, Nathan can’t help getting way too fucking horny when he sees you seething with anger!

When you’re voice starts getting a bit louder than necessary, you roll your eyes and furrow your brows, you throw your hands around with frustration…he is struggling to hide his boner. Something about it just makes you seem powerful and sexy to him and he feels so bad for not taking you seriously in the moment but he’s already flooded with dirty thoughts.

He would probably rather die than admit this to you, but there’s a good chance you figure it out on your own terms. If so, he will be very on board when you act just a little mean in the bedroom; pulling his hair and bossing him around, maybe even scolding him for being so turned on by your anger. Despite your love for each other, you can least pretend to be having awesome hate sex.

E for Experience-

It’s nothing to sneeze at. I imagine Nathan lost his virginity at some point in high school before he dropped out and it only went up from there. I mean…he’s a massive celebrity. He pretty much has access to all the sex he could ever want. The tricky part is catering to your needs. Before, Nathan was a bit of a selfish lover. Not awful but not super mindful about what the groupies he was banging were into. Once he’s dedicated himself to you, he realizes that really good sex requires communication. With some time and a few slightly awkward conversations, he’ll have mastered everything you could ever desire from him and it is worth it for the both of you. Nathan Explosion can fuck.

F for Favorite Position-

Including visuals from google

“Pirate’s Bounty”

I’ll start by saying that Nathan isn’t super picky. He’s obviously not very flexible, so anything that requires some impressive stretches from him is off the table. Outside of that, he’s game. You could be face down, on top, spread out, etc. He’s happy as long as his dick is buried in you, honestly.

That being said, this is a comfortable favorite he often resorts to. It lets him see all his favorite parts of you, grab and grope whatever his hands can reach, and look you in the eyes while he degrades the hell out of you. Nathan plows away, groaning about what a slut you are as one hand holds your leg against his torso and the other squeezes your throat. There’s also a good chance you’ll have your hands tied up to the headboard while he goes at it…Ugh I’m a simp

G for Goofy-

Absolutely not.

When he’s in the zone, Nathan pretty much loses all of his humor. Sex is very serious to him, in the same way alcohol is I think, “It’s sacred.” And once he’s with you, there’s an added layer of intimacy. So, no, Nathan isn’t really going to be cracking any jokes or even acknowledging the funny circumstances that inevitably happen. He’s too caught up in, well, destroying you.

If you happen to make a joke… yikes. He is very unimpressed. He’ll probably just ignore it. If you persist, Nathan will either make you cum so hard you forget your name, let alone a joke to make. Or, he’s gonna torture the fuck out of you until your apologize and beg for his mercy. It’s a good time either way. But don’t do it again, he really will get annoyed with you.

H for Hair-

He has a deep, deep secret that he has been carrying with him ever since he started getting an allowance as a kid. He has gone through ridiculous measures to ensure that this is not exposed to the public. Nathan Explosion…Dyes his hair. Oh, the horror! Seriously though, he has routinely dyed his roots black twice and month since he was, like, 10. Naturally, mousy brown color, similar to his Mom’s.

And as soon as he started actively messing around, Nathan even dyed his pubes as well. He doesn’t shave himself completely bare, usually just trims it down to stay out of the way. I’ve heard that balls can be difficult to shave and he doesn’t strike me as the type of guy to bother. And, yes, dyed it the same black as his hair, just so groupies wouldn’t go and spread the word. Eventually, with you, he stops caring so much about downstairs and lets it grow into its natural color. It’s honestly sort of cute and he gets a bit flustered when you point it out.

I for Intimacy-

Nathan really thought that romantic, passionate sex was only for basic dildo jack-offs and that he would never, ever be so vulnerable with someone. Nathan was an idiot. Once you are in the picture, he suddenly craves to fuck you in a way that is so beautiful and emotional. He wants more than just brutality and he’s not really sure how to handle it in a way that won’t make him seem too soft (he is so, so soft for you).

After some internet research and building up his courage, Nathan takes you out on a date. And it’s perfect. Dinner and a walk and stargazing, just the two of you. Part of him feels stupid, silly for indulging in something so cliche. But that part dies completely when he sees how enchanted you are by his efforts. Its a milestone in your relationship, because the whole night is filled with him getting sentimental with you, completely focused on the time you’re spending together. He’s overwhelmed with all the love he feels for you and, for maybe the first time in his relationships, he’s completely sure that you feel the same for him. It’s a wonderful realization.

When you finally get home, you’re met with rose petals and candles and music. Nathan is slow, squeezing your body like he’ll never let go, drinking in your image and your touch, telling you how perfect you are the entire time. It’s even better when you reciprocate it all back, caught up in each other, tangled within all sorts of amazing sensations. He even starts getting teary-eyed when he finally fills you up. He loves you so much.

After that night, the two of you still have sex that is rough and/or casual fairly often. But he always makes sure to set aside time every now and then to truly make love to you. When he chooses to be, Nathan can be extremely intimate and romantic with you.

J for Jack Off-

Nathan masturbates fairly often, even when you’re available for sex. Not that he’s not interested in you, he’s just rubbing one out so he can pursue more important things at the moment and blow off some steam, thought he won’t reject a blowjob.

Most likely he’ll be stumped with a particular song or going through some writer’s block same lmao. He’s frustrated, wracking his brain for rhymes that just don’t seem to exist, let alone fit the song he’s writing. He can’t tell if he can’t focus because he’s hard or hard because he can’t focus. Either way, his pants are straining and it’s getting difficult to ignore. A while ago, he might’ve pulled up some porn or even one of his old magazines, but he’s now think of you as he undoes his belt.

How gorgeous you looked for him a few nights ago, tears falling down your cheeks and legs shivering as he ruthlessly fucked you into, abusing your body in the most pleasurable way possible. He groans, tugging at his cock, eyes closed and wishing you were there with him now. Nothing made him cum harder that your touch.

When he’s finished, he makes a quick job of cleaning up and pulls back into his pants like nothing happened, feeling a new sense of lightness on his shoulders. Until he makes the unfortunate realization that he has to go back to working.

K for Kink-

Nathan is very, very kinky. He’s a huge fan of all things BDSM and Dom/Sub dynamics.

Knife and blood play, bondage, wax play, hair pulling, gagging, choking, edging, overstimulation, impact play, degradation, and even consensual non-con (which delves into roleplay as well).

He doesn’t even mind to be on the receiving end either, although he’s much more used to being in control. Hope you’re ready for that.

L for Location-

His bedroom. Yeah, he’s boring. Not even necessarily on the bed, but Nathan enjoys a secluded space for the two of you. If it’s at a point where you haven’t moved in, then your bedroom also works I guess.

But that’s lame so, scenario #2-

Nathan would love to fuck you as close to the ocean as possible. On the beach, on a boat, I would say a submarine but those are kinda controversial rn. He feels a deep connection to the ocean, although he can’t fully understand why. So having you there feels far more vulnerable to him than it should and he likes the intensity of it, even if you can’t feel it.

M for Motivation-

As I said earlier, seeing you get mad really does it for him. That’s what gets him the most riled up, even if he’s a tad ashamed of it.

He also loves massages. Nathan is a big dude who is constantly head banging and doesn’t have the best posture. He fucking melts when you rub his neck and shoulders and gets really excited to pay you back with some slow, hard fucking. The relief of you easing out his muscles just has him addicted.

Any revealing clothes, but particularly a low-cut shirt, especially if you happen to bend over and give him the perfect view; Nathan is drooling.

N for NO-

This goes with his ‘honesty’ thing, but Nathan hates when you fake it. He can tell instantly when you’re moans are being exaggerated, when you’re not really into something he’s doing, or if you try to fake an orgasm and it pisses him off. In your early relationship, he might begrudgingly ignore it just to get it over with. But later on, he finds it inexcusable and practically begs you to just tell him when you don’t like something. He’s a quick learner too, he’ll improve his technique and have you screaming in no time!

O for Oral-

Going DownKlok changed the history of everything forever in time.

For a while, there were very few things in this world that Nathan loved more than a blowjob from you. If you offered to suck him off, Nathan’s pants were already to his knees. No matter when or where, he’d find a way to get head. This led to a lot of risky bathroom escapes and leaving parties early. Nathan just loves a good ol’ blowey; petting your hair, looking down at you with a gaze full of lust, grumbling in pleasure as you choke.

However…I think we’re all aware of Nathan’s infamous refusal to use his own mouth on you. He somehow made himself think that doing so made him weak or submissive, probably something he heard in high school that stuck. He’ll straight up say, “Nope” when you ask and refuse to elaborate.

That is until one night, he’s stripping you’re clothing off and laying you down on his bed, giving you feverish and sloppy kisses. Your legs are wrapped around him, your face is red, and something about how gorgeous you look under him just makes him go, ‘Fuck it.’ and he dives in. Minimal thoughts, pure desperation.

And Nathan fucking loves it. He loves gripping your thighs and teasing you with his tongue and groaning against you whenever you moan his name. He’s a master at it too, knows all the perfect moves. It became a regular occurrence very quickly. Whenever you go down on him, he reciprocates. Or will just get on his knees for you at random moments purely because he loves to. Nathan’s new favorite thing is to give oral.

P for Pace-

It really depends on his mood. He can be both rough and romantic, often both at the same time. Sometimes he’ll be pounding so hard into you that your vision goes blurry; other times he will gently caress your body as he eases in and out. There’s really no definitive pace he goes for, though he is on the aggressive side more often than not in the bedroom. If he’s going to fast (or slow) for you, Nathan has no problem adjusting accordingly.

Q for Quickie-

He’s actually not a huge fan of them. He likes the concept of them, quickly and discreetly fucking each other, putting off other things just for sex. But in practice, not so much.

Rather than just enjoying it, Nathan will get stressed about his time management or wonder if something is going wrong without him there. He thrives on routine and prefers to take his time with you, so quickies just throw off his whole vibe. If anything, he’ll give you some oral and be on his way, saving the real thing for later. Even better, he’ll talk you up, telling you all the things he’s gonna do before leaving you to crave him.

R for Risk-

Nathan is very open to experimentation and is willing to try anything at least once. If he doesn’t like it, though, he’ll shut it down pretty quickly. But you don’t ever have to worry about sex being too vanilla or boring for you, Nathan is quite the adventurous type in the bedroom.

If he’s caught doing something freaky in a semi-public area with you, like a rented-out movie theatre or random bedroom during a party, he fucking dares it to be released to the press. Charles will do everything in his power to keep that from happening, for image’s sake, but Nathan is the biggest rockstar in the world. As I said earlier, he likes to show you off, and this is an extension of that. Now everyone knows how hard he fucks the gorgeous person he constantly has under his arm, what’s so embarrassing about that?

The potential risk for a pregnancy is…well, very touchy. You’d have to have a long conversation beforehand. If you don’t take precautionary measures, he will.

S for Stamina-

Nathan is a pretty big dude, and as strong as he is, not in the best physical health I must say. He has no issue getting it up again a couple more times, but with how hard he often goes, Nathan needs to take some good, long breathers. If you do plan on going at it for a while, these breaks will be full of gentle touches and praise for how well you’re doing, before he goes right back into you calling you a slut for wanting his cock so much. Ugh. If the two of you are careful, he can actually last a very long time, but there are a few certain little things you do that drive him crazy and will speed up his orgasm.

T for Toy-

A reasonable amount. Bondage equipment, whips and paddles, a few ornate knives to cause just the right amount of damage. Probably a vibrator that he tortures you with (male or female cmon now). He’s into kinky shit and kinky shit requires materials a lot of the time. I could also imagine him being really into that sex-furniture stuff, just to make things more convenient. If you ever have something you wanna try out, just ask and he’ll get it in a heartbeat. The only thing I can see him being adverse to is a dildo; you have his dick, why would you need another? Until you explain all the extra fun that can be had with it, then Nathan is on board.

U for Unfair-

Obviously with his dynamics and kinks, teasing goes along with that. He never edges you for too long, just long enough to make your eyes water and have you begging him for a desperate release. Really though, he doesn’t have nearly enough patience to edge you for hours, or hell, days but Nathan likes having a sense of control, so he still holds back when he’s feeling particularly malicious. He’ll tease you just long enough to get you to beg and then give in to you with overstimulation that’s almost worse than the teasing.

In public, he might give you some subtle pinches and gripes, hovering around you when he’s feeling frisky, but it’s nothing too blatant. If he’s desperate enough, he’ll drag you off to a slightly more private area.

V for Volume-

Nathan has a deep, gravely, sexy voice. It’d be a crime if he was silent during sex. Luckily, you get plenty of delicious growls, grunts, and groans from him. The pure bass of his voice shakes your entire skeleton when he’s real close to your ear. He does a whole lot of dirty talking too, using that same voice, degrading you to all hell while your mind in a blur of pleasure and pain. If he happens to be on the receiving end, you might be able to elicit some breathy, whimpery swears from him. While he’s not super loud volume-wise, all his noises are fucking perfect.

W for Wild Card-

My name ain’t Polyklok for no reason ffs

Pickles was totally the one to introduce him to the world of kink. He always knew he was a bit rougher than most and had some freaky fantasies, but when he and Pickles frequently messed around in the early days of Dethklok, he learned just how deep his desire for pain went.

Pickles had him tied up, hit, cut, and edged for what felt like forever. It was torture and yet Nathan always craved more of it. He felt so exposed and so safe at the same time. His exposure to BDSM was with him on the receiving end and it was perfect for him to discover just how wonderful that connection through pain was, especially with someone he trusted like Pickles.

He always has it in the back of his mind whenever he’s going at it with you, making sure that you’re feeling all the same wonderful things he felt and assuring that you are just as safe as he was. Tormenting your body is really a love language to him.

X for XRay-

Oh sweet baby satan

Nathan is hung. 8.5 Inches when fully erect and hella girthy, a slightly narrow head for your sake. The thing still somehow manages to bend upwards when he’s hard, by some miracle. He’s circumcised (look at his parents I mean-) and considerably veiny. Could’ve honestly been a porn star if the whole death metal thing didn’t work out.

Y for Yearning-

His sex drive his very high early in the relationship and eases into something more manageable within a few months. But overall, yeah, he’s quite set and you’ll certainly never feel neglected.

Depending on the damage; he might accidentally leave you untouchable for half a month due to the pure soreness. And he’ll be very apologetic. But usually, assuming injuries are kept under a certain threshold, he’ll go at it 2-4 times a week.

But his yearning can also build up. If you don’t happen to join him in travels for touring season, you’re gonna get it when he finally gets back. Both of you are gonna be completely unavailable for a few days minimum.

Z for Zzz-

Not too soon. This was pretty much all elaborated on in ‘A’, but he still cleans up and cuddles and gives you plenty of good aftercare. Once that’s all done and he’s confirmed that you feel taken care of…Nathan will sleep. If it happens to be way late at night/early in the morning, he might tough it out just to get his day started, but he’s gonna start feeling like crap by noon and probably pass out soon after that. Man needs his sleep.

…

I need my sleep. Dude, this took almost two months and many all-nighters. And I have so many requests…I love writing and I love the silly metal boys but…boy howdy. Thanks for reading, gorgeous.

[ackerfics]

just say it, ditto: eren jaeger

— i got nothing to lose, i keep falling for you; ra ta ta ta, there goes my heart.

eren jaeger x female reader

summary: each note eren's heart sings is about you. it's only a matter of time yours sing about him, too.

word count: 6.8k

notes: i am proud to say that this is my comeback in posting full fics here. now watch me never posting one after months. jk. but still, i'm rusty when writing longer fics so i hope you enjoy this one! treat this as a gift for being one of the 2,000 people who made this blog possible <3 + it's pretty obvious newjeans is my favorite kpop group rn oop

— You’ve long since given up on relationships.

How many partners has it been since the start of university? With how that sounds, one will think that you’ve been breaking hearts around Paradis University; notorious for being a heartless individual with no value for the depth of emotions. That assumption rings false. One hand can sum up everything romantic you’ve experienced but these relationships felt longer than the time span they actually had that you’ve lost count of them. Everything becomes hazy to a point that everything morphs into a misty film reel, unlike the rose-colored lens you’ve always seen the world with even without the pretense of falling in with someone. You’re not one to be desperate for this fickle thing called love but every once in a while, you crave blanketing words that make you see flowers, unbridled laughter amidst piles of note revisions and readings, and hugs that feel like a warm cup of coffee in a chilly night of loneliness.

Your relationships always end in the same way — they couldn’t handle the way that you see and do things; the way you have to be the last one to have the say in an argument, how you should be left alone when you’re too immersed in finishing your tasks, or when you have the tendency to be absent despite being there for them (if that makes any sense). They say you’re too focused on your goals (there’s nothing wrong with trying to finish college just to be in one of the country’s best medical schools) or you’re too snarky and blunt for them to handle (you have a bad day when this happens).

So, you just let them go. Let them win.

It’s not that you’re tired of those repeating circles of words but because they’re right. You’ve been too snarky, picky when you’re eating something, focused on your future, never clingy for someone to be called a significant other — you just don’t have the strength to continue having those relationships even though you’ve seen the world in pink when you’re with them.

The break-ups all end on a sour note, like the time you’ve been given a piece of candy without being told it’s the sourest shit on the planet. Maybe that is why you’ve been scared of romance, to begin with — the appearance may seem sweet but you’ve taken a bite, and everything takes a turn for the worse. Yeah, you understand that relationships can have their ups and downs; but when you’ve heard your boyfriend talk to his friends about how you’re so irritating and downright rude most of the time, him crossing the line as he said that this specific girl from the other class is far sexier than you can ever be and that he wants to fuck her instead (coupled with a few explicit crafting of words that disgusted even your most open-minded friends) … You have already dropped the paper bag filled with his favorite food.

That’s just one of the break-ups. God knows how much patience you have for going through much worse.

Besides, you like spending your junior year with fewer worries than the previous years.

But sometimes, you always think of how lonely you are; like what does it feel like to have someone so patient that they assure you they’re always there for you? Or to feel so secure in a relationship that it’s like a warm fireplace, which can go on for so many hours keeping you warm and safe? You swear you don’t want your heart broken again but you still crave that rush love brings to you.

It doesn’t help that you see these things in your best friend.

Eren Jaeger is someone who you completely met by chance back in freshman year, back when you were all about making sure that your marks are pristine and that your parents can have another opportunity in being the proudest that they can get.

You remember him lingering in the doorway of your dorm room, something that you were wary about until he turned around to face you with this comical teary face that didn’t fit in with his overall broody aesthetic. He claimed that Mikasa, his best friend, and practically sister since they grew up together in the same house and your roommate, accidentally took his wallet back to your dorm room. One thing you know about Mikasa in the three weeks you’ve roomed with her is that she sleeps like a bear in hibernation. So, you unlocked the door to your dorm room and told him that there was nothing to worry about because you’d get his wallet and attached keys. That way, he could have his merry way home and he would be a passing face in university. Until he invited you to have dinner with him as thanks.

You accepted since it was free food and you just got out of a three-hour lecture.

The rest is history. It was there you got to know Eren as more than just Mikasa’s childhood friend. He asked you why you picked your major, you asked him how he was faring in his — the night ended with you two exchanging numbers and following each other on your socials.

He’s seen all of your failed relationships. While Mikasa tears up with you and Armin consoles you by rubbing your back, Eren is the embodiment of anger.

He once threatened to storm out of your dorm room to fight your ex after one break-up that had you picking up the broken shards of your self-esteem and confidence. He didn’t even hear Mikasa shouting for him to calm the fuck down but all it took was for you to plead for him to stay and never make a wrong decision.

“Eren, just stay,” your breath hitched with how hard you were crying. The break-up drained you for an entire day. Your ex dared to lay out every wrong and insecurity you felt to make him feel protected — that he would have a better relationship if he went out with the girl he met a few weeks after you two started dating. You look up at Eren, your bottom lip wobbling. “Don’t go out there.”

His entire demeanor softened. Walking to you, he sat on his haunches in front of you, his stare never wavering as he regarded the way your tears made your eyelashes clump together. Why’d you had to be pretty even when crying? He pushed the thought away and clasped the hands wringing the material of your skirt into both of his. The door behind you two closed — an indication that Mikasa gave you two the privacy you both needed, the girl decided to spend the rest of the day with Armin, who was begging to be updated on what was happening to you. Eren was sure the two of them would buy some groceries, anything you prefer, just to make you feel better. They’re awesome like that. Everything blurred into nothing when you’re in his view. You kept silently crying and while he still found you beautiful, he was itching to start a fight with that asshole of an ex you had.

Eren lifted your entwined hands to his lips, kissing them and making time stop. “I’m going to beat him,” he murmured against your knuckles.

You shook your head.

“He made you cry.”

You still shook your head, bowing to curtain your face with your hair.

“I hate it when someone makes you cry.” He gulped down the nervousness clogging his throat. “I fucking hate it when they managed to make the most amazing person fall in love with them and just break her heart after. Sweetheart, you don’t deserve to be treated like this.” The term of endearment flowed from his tongue like it was meant to — natural. “You deserve so much more than this. You deserve…” Was he about to say, me? What the fuck was he thinking? Now, he was the one who shook his head, mainly to dispel the thought from his head. “You know,” his voice was so quiet, “someone is willing to give you the love you deserve and it will take some time to meet them.”

You took your hands from him and he panicked. Did he say something wrong? Synonymous thoughts pulsed through the walls of his head, that was until you wrapped your arms around his shoulders. With the way he was still sitting on his haunches, his face became buried in your chest. It was almost like you were the one comforting him and not the other way around. He should be the one doing the comforting but God damn it, your warmth made him melt in everything that you encompassed — scent, presence, just you and only you.

“I’m tired of finding that love.”

“You have me — us, Mikasa, Armin, and the rest of our friends,” the way he saved himself was pathetic.

“Thank you.”

“Don’t mention it.”

“You know I love you, right?”

Damn, there went that squeeze around his heart. He knew the meaning behind those words. You meant it in a more platonic manner because you never once said those three weighty words to your ex-boyfriends. Those who had the luxury to receive the phrase from you were your friends and it sadly included him. He didn’t want to walk around in this position. He wanted to be more. But that would mean you discovering his feelings for you. And yes, they ran deeper than the trenches discovered by mankind. You made him feel that kind of love — the type that gave him butterflies, tornadoes, bonfires, and all the seasons combined. You were the reason why he smiled most of the day, the reason why he looked at everything through a lens that presented all the colors in the spectrum and not just the usual hazy pink. 

“Eren?”

He buried his face deeper in your chest, the song of your heartbeat lulling him. He wished it was faster like the way his own tapped inside him.

“I know.”

He once again masked everything by saying the words back, with more ferocity and affection and intensity than yours did.

“I love you, too.”

That day was the reason why you stopped entering into relationships not worth your time.

You deserve a love that is more than what you seek from forgettable faces.

So, you focus on yourself … and the way Eren makes you question these budding feelings now that junior year rolls around.

“Where did you get this?” Eren asks when he trails his eyes on your hand sitting idly on top of the desk the private study rooms of the library offer.

He’s sitting beside you trying to get some work done before finishing the study session and getting some food from the nearby restaurants in the university town (which is a short walk from the library you both chose). What should be a group session becomes a pair because apparently; Mikasa has to go prepare for her mock trial with the rest of her class, Armin has to finish the pending experiment his group is doing for one of his laboratory classes, Jean has to be a fucking responsible teaching assistant for once in his life, Sasha has to cover some restaurant for her review (the deadline being later at midnight), and Connie has to attend his goldfish’s funeral (he doesn’t have a goldfish; their dorm building doesn’t even allow pets).

You find their excuses plausible except for Connie, bless his soul and his imaginary goldfish. So, now you spend the rest of the free day with Eren in the library, booking one of the study rooms for some well-deserved peace. You’re listening to some of your favorite songs when he speaks, catching his lips moving at the corner of your eyes.

“Hmm?” you hum while pulling down your headphones around your neck.

“This.” The moment he takes your hand in his, your heart starts pacing faster. “Where did you get this?” Eren carefully and softly runs his finger on the spots of red on the skin of two of your fingers. The scars seem fresh because you flinch. “Sorry,” he whispers.

“I didn’t realize I had that until Mikasa pointed it out actually,” you answer him.

He winces. “You don’t have any band-aids?”

You shake your head. “I forgot to buy some.” The way he stares at you makes you pout. “I did forget, Eren.”

“Yeah, yeah, got that.”

You’re about to go back to studying when you feel a pair of lips graze the scars on your hand. Time slows down and you swear you witness the room illuminate. Eren has his eyes closed, his long eyelashes tickling your skin. You forget to breathe when he opens them to give you the sight of his teal irises reflecting your wide-eyed image. His lips are still on your hand, the tingling sensation of his growing smile traveling through your arm and to your chest, warming up every part of your body until you feel your face flare. The gesture is completely new to you.

“There,” Eren says. “Tell me if the pain starts acting up,” he pulls back and leans on his chair, your hand still tenderly cradled on his palm. “I’ll take it away.”

You take your hand from his and hide it from behind the sleeve of your fluffy cardigan. You try to bring back your concentration but all you can think of is the feeling of his lips on your fingers. While you’re berating yourself, you never notice Eren grinning beside you, his heart thankful that your friends ditched you two in this study session.

It’s only when you two walk to your favorite restaurant that you register how annoyingly cheesy all that was.

Today is not your day.

You’re walking in the halls of your department building and even with the flow of liveliness surrounding you, all you hear are muffled noises and the deafening footsteps echoing on the floor. You were doing fine when you entered your first lecture of the day — more than usual it seemed. The friends you made in some of your classes saw how you cackled near tears at some unfunny joke that shouldn’t warrant that much hysterical laughter. Nobody would even suspect that you feel so sucked of all the vibrancy you always carry in the pockets of your jeans after continuous periods of sitting on different-structured chairs and having to participate in some impromptu recitations. You love being in university — you really do. It’s just that there are certain aspects of it and specific time frames that you have to admit how exhausted you are. So, as your friends chatter around you, you keep your head angled to the floor, your hands keeping the laptop case close to your chest.

The conversation unfolding in your presence is interesting but all you can manage are tiny hums of agreement or weak chuckles. The subject switches from enduring another period of recits, to the laboratory reports that needed to be turned in, to how there should be another store in the university town that sells any kind of food, and to who is the reddest flag among your peers. It’s almost like you’re watching shows with your father — always flipping the channel until he finds the one he’s most comfortable with.

Your mind is both empty and running a thousand miles per step. Sleep beckons you in a way that you have no say over. You’re pretty sure Mikasa is going to cook something delectable as always — that’s one thing you’re looking forward to when you go home to your shared apartment. A heavy sigh comes out of your chest, lifting your shoulders from the weight Atlas transferred on you.

Looking at the floor becomes bland and you have to lift your eyes to what’s in front of you.

Right at the end of the hallway, where the building lets the outside light pass through the entrance and exit doors, are Eren and some of his classmates, probably just coming out of a recent class, judging by their sluggish nature. You two share the same department building despite having different majors — him with his pre-med and you with neuroscience. You recognize some of them in the group photos Eren was tagged in on Instagram, like that boy with auburn hair who sneers every time someone so much as breathes within the same space as Eren or that boy with the slicked-back blond hair and army green bomber jacket. And in the middle of the group is one of your best friends, teal eyes hooded with boredom and hair tied up in that effortless bun he likes so much. He doesn’t see you yet and you have the urge to call out to him but you don’t find the energy to. Your social battery is already on the brink of shutting down and guilt starts dripping into your stomach.

Almost like he senses you, Eren meets your eyes.

He stops in the middle of the hallway with his hands in his pockets and eyebrows furrowed. You keep walking with your now curious friends. Who is this guy staring at us? Wait, he’s kinda hot though. Damn it, now I have another crush in this stupid university. You can hear them talking but you see nobody but him, your sneaker-clad feet carrying you closer to him.

With only a few paces separating you from him, he retracts his hands from his pockets and opens his arms with that lax posture of his. His friends are looking at him like he’s crazy but you know what he’s doing.

Your lip wobbles and you let out a shaky breath. You’re walking faster now. Just a couple of steps away.

Eren wraps his arms around you once you reach him.

He threads his fingers through your hair, cradling your head close to his chest, while his other arm secures you to his body, silently pleading for you to never stray far. There’s a pounding in the air, with you not knowing whose heart composes the vivace tune; because right now, you can feel your heart racing despite the calm Eren induces in you.

You two stay like that — suspended at the moment. Nothing in the world matters except for you two. Words aren’t exchanged. The moment Eren sees you walking that way, he instantly knows. You have that connection with him. One look is all it takes for him to swoop in and let you feel that you have someone to lean on as he leans on you. You feel that sentiment in the way he slightly tightens his hold around you, pressing you more so that all you can hear is his breathing and his unsaid thoughts. The scent he carries entangles with yours, similar to how your hearts beat in complement to one another. You bury your face in his chest and he buries his own in your hair. The exhaustion makes your joints creak and your dim world seeps away the longer he softly scratches your scalp with tender strokes.

You nearly cry as his lips seal this moment with a firm kiss on the crown of your head.

“I got you,” Eren whispers to your ears only. “I always got you.”

Shit, there goes your heart.

“Your next lecture is still an hour later, right? Let’s go get some coffee.”

For the first time in months, hope blossoms and you willingly let it fester.

“You okay?” Mikasa asks you as soon as she gets inside your shared apartment. She slides her tote bag from her shoulder, all the while never taking her eyes off you as you stare at nothing in the living room, your revisions and notes scattering the coffee table. “Babes?” The term of endearment is so natural between you and Mikasa but you’re so out of it that you don’t hear her call for you. “[Name].” She taps your nose with the tip of her finger.

“Oh, welcome home,” you greet once you get out of that daze.

Mikasa looks at you a second longer and places her hand on your forehead.

“Mikasa?”

“No signs of fever,” she murmurs, cupping your face in her hands. “You’re not overworking yourself again, are you?” Her voice gains that stern tone. Trust Mikasa to always pull you to the ground whenever you have one of those study sprees, only having coffee for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. “You know it hurts me to see you overworking. Hold on, let me whip up something for you.”

How can you tell her that you’ve been feeling unproductive because of her closest person? Because of that little heartstopping moment earlier, you’ve been in a constant spiral, neglecting your school work even when you already laid out everything in front of you. This isn’t like you at all — you’ve never been distracted because of a guy. You wonder what’s so different now. Eren has hugged you multiple times in the past and you even initiate most of them. So, why are you starting to sift through your memories with him and watching them in these pink-hazed 3D glasses? Every smile, every laugh, every eye contact that has you feeling like you’re the only person in the world for him … or just the way he makes your day better just by being there. You remember all the times he was about to storm across the cafeteria upon seeing one of your exes and the anger he embodied when he thinks of the way you’re always hurt.

This is bad — you’re seeing him differently after that hug and impromptu cafe hang-out.

The weight of that realization makes your heart race in a completely new tune, much clearer and melodic than the times you thought you experienced love in one of its forms.

“Mikasa.”

“Hmm?”

You can hear a pan sizzling from the kitchen. You remain looking at the coffee table, right at your phone lighting up with a notification, showing the world your wallpaper. Eren changed it to a picture of you two for fun. He was kissing your cheek, with you captured in a beautiful candid shot. You were laughing at the tickling sensation coming from his lips smiling against your skin. You never changed it. Mikasa chuckled to herself the first time she saw it. You could almost hear her say ‘idiots’ under her breath.

“Am I allowed to feel love again?”

You can sense your roommate turn around. It’s silent until she speaks in a clear voice, “You’re always allowed to feel love, [Nickname].”

“But what if I ruin it?”

Mikasa purses her lips. “You have never ruined anything. You might have small faults in those relationships but if your exes appreciated you just like they claimed, you wouldn’t hurt like this.” You’re still quiet and Mikasa thoughtfully turns back to make you a proper meal while continuing, “It’s okay to be afraid, [Nickname]. Falling in love is always a risk but it’s not good if you prevent it from happening. If that right someone comes, the jump you took to follow your feelings will be worth it in the end. It might cost you more heartbreaks along the way but everything will be amazing when that person is by your side.”

“And if I think I found him?”

The sound of Mikasa’s spatula stops, and the sizzle of the onions, garlic, and other vegetables persists through this pause. You take a peek at your roommate from behind the curtain of your hair, her back rigid and her hand holding the spatula hovering over the pan. “Miki?”

The girl shakes her head. “I’m sorry, I just remembered something,” she hastily tells you before swiveling to face you. Mikasa only displays emotions around certain people and you wish you could laugh at the disbelieving yet confused face she gives you right now. “You found him? And you think he’s the right someone for you?” She makes sure she doesn’t sound that skeptical to not hurt you anymore but she can’t help but feel like she’s been missing out on this recent development in your life. You've been roommates since freshman year and every time you fall in love, Mikasa is a witness to it, but not this one. This is a shock for her.

You nod at her, choosing not to use your voice this time

“Do I know this person?”

Your heart makes a flip in your chest. “Why do you ask?”

She shrugs. “Just checking. You know, to make sure. So, tell me about this lucky guy.”

“He … wears his heart on his sleeve.” A small smile tugs at your lips. “Even though that’s considered a weakness by some people, he manages to come this far by doing that. It’s one of the many things I adore about him.” You laugh a little. “He’s a little reckless most of the time. Oh, and he’s so brazen and sometimes broody, too. Those are some of the reasons why he gets into arguments with our friends. But even with all of that, he’s so attentive. The thing about people who wear their hearts on their sleeves is that they know when someone needs solace. He does that all the time and even without saying anything, my day just gets better with one hug from him.” You gain a blue blanket over yourself. “I just wish that I can give him the affection and care he’s always giving me. I know I’m bad at giving but … I’m willing to try for him.”

You look up and you feel your face heat up when you see Mikasa gawking at you. You watch as her face morphs into a rare smile that reaches her eyes. If you squint, you can see her holding back her squeal.

“And for that, I’m making this even more delicious just for you!”

And before you can call out to her, she’s going back and forth in the kitchen like a madwoman. Bewilderment is an understatement. One will think that Mikasa is the person falling in love inside this apartment and not you. A puff of laughter comes out of your lips, endeared by the sight of your best friend slash roommate being this ecstatic at the possibility of you in a stable and healthy development of feelings. You perch your chin on your propped elbow. Maybe you should hit up her favorite restaurant in the university town as a token of your gratitude, one that stems from three years of bonding.

“Confess to her.”

“Well, good-fucking-morning to you, too, Mikasa.”

It’s six in the morning on a Saturday. Eren deserves a full ten-hour cycle of sleep after that horrifying week he just survived. 

“Oh, did I wake you up?”

Eren pulls away his phone from his ear and glares at it, hoping that the girl on the other side of the call picks up on this ominous atmosphere he‘s starting to create. “What do you think?” He spits, particularly snappy at anyone, even the person he grew up with, for disrupting his previously-earned slumber (for once in university, he finally has the chance to enjoy sleep without worrying over deadlines). He internally cries when he feels the last tendrils of drowsiness seep out of his skin and onto the open windows letting in a new dawn. He wants to go back to sleep but with Mikasa’s call, he pitifully kisses that goodbye.

“Sorry.” She doesn’t sound sorry.

“You don’t sound sorry,” Eren grumbles. “Why’d you call?”

A maniacal giggle tickles his ear, sending a shiver of fear down his spine.

“What the fuck—?”

“I have news.”

“Really?” He incredulously exclaims. “At six in the morning? Can’t you wait until like, what, later at noon to tell me? You know it’s my day off right now.”

“It’s about [Name].”

That catches Eren’s attention and he nearly throws himself off the bed.

“What?” He hastily stands up and fumbles to his closet for some decent clothing. “Is she alright? Is she hurt? Where is she right now? Does she need me to pick her up?” Silence is his answer. Eren again looks at his phone before putting it right next to his ear. “Mikasa? You still there?”

“Eren.”

“Yeah?”

“You have to confess to her.”

“What?”

He can feel Mikasa roll her eyes. “It’s just like I said. Confess.”

Eren slowly takes a few steps back until his knees hit the mattress, letting him on the plush mattress. “What brought this on?” It’s not the first time his best friend tells him to pour all his well-kept emotions into you, the reason for his giddy smiles and sweet nights. Just thinking of letting you know of this three-year worth of feelings makes his heart beat faster. What if you reject him? He’s seen you swerve from any romantic advances a person sends your way, he’s seen you cry over assholes who thought it was best to play with you, and he’s seen you content with this relationship you have with him. Eren sighs out a breath tainted with the scent of the yellow tulips and pink camellias sprouting in his ribcage. It’s almost pitiful how heavy his sigh is. “And why are you so sure about this?”

“I know things you don’t.”

He scoffs, running his hand through his hair, the wavy brown strands falling over his collarbone. “Look, Meeks,” the nickname is always there when he’s feeling unsure of himself, “I’ve thought about it, okay? But I can’t. I just can’t.”

“Trust me on this one, Eren. Maybe you can even thank me in the future.”

“Mikasa,” he warns.

“Eren, you have nothing to worry about. She said some things to me last night and I think you have a chance. This will be the time you can finally be with her and this will also be the time she can have someone who’s going to wholeheartedly love her in a way that she should be loved. This is your chance—”

Eren tightly closes his eyes at every word Mikasa spews out. His chest is rapidly going up and down until, “I’m scared.”

“What?”

“I’m scared,” he enunciates as if talking to a pesky sibling (which is how she’s acting right now). “I’m fucking terrified, alright?”

He curses when he feels a stinging in his eyes. He’s not about to cry right now — not when Mikasa is on the other side of the phone. He knows how she is when he cries. Eren remembers that one time he bawled his eyes out when his mother decided it would be nice to keep all his games away for one night because he was acting like a brat. Mikasa sneaked into his parents’ room in the middle of the night and successfully took his game from their closet. Thank God his parents weren’t about to give him a baby sibling that night. Nonetheless, Mikasa’s protective instincts for her friends flare when they cry. She does that with him, Armin, and especially you. You’ve practically replaced Eren as her top priority. So, right now, Eren hopes Mikasa doesn’t hear the wobble in his voice but that’s highly unlikely.

He continues, “[Name] swore off relationships after her last heartbreak during sophomore year. I’m not about to go up to her and tell her ‘Hey, I’ve been crushing on you so so bad since we were freshmen and I know you probably see me as a friend but how about that date? You look lovely by the way’. It’s not that easy, Meeks. I … freeze when those words come up.” And when you look at him with those eyes he dreams about waking up to every morning — curved like crescents with genuine happiness and love for him, Eren’s a goner. You have that effect on him. Time slows and everything dissolves into nothing when you’ve only done one thing, and that’s smiling at him. God, he’s so in love with you that the thorns are starting to sprout with the flowers. “It’s pathetic.”

With the pause on the other side of the call, Eren would think that Mikasa drops it.

“Mikasa?”

“... She’s ready to love again, Eren, and she’s ready to do it with you in the picture.��

A goddess of time, that’s what you are, because, at those words, Eren’s entire world stops.

“I won’t say exactly what she said because that would mean telling on her but,” Eren hears a smile on Mikasa’s voice, “she told me she found the right someone for her and I think, scratch that, I know it’s you, Eren. So, take the risk and confess to her, you idiot.”

“Do you think she’d accept it? My confession?”

“I’m confident that she will.”

The moment Mikasa hangs up to cook you some breakfast, Eren is already out the door.

You’re in the process of placing things in your school bag for your study session in the nearest library when the doorbell rings.

Mikasa is in the kitchen cooking up a storm, something about giving you a bento box for your grueling revisions so that you won’t have to spend a couple of dollars for a cafeteria ticket, so you’re the one closest to the front door. You leave your bag and belongings on the couch, thinking that maybe Sasha wants to join you and Mikasa for some early breakfast. But then, the girl wakes up in the middle of the day during weekends. You now wonder who’s incessantly pressing the doorbell like they’re a kid in the Halloween season begging for the owner of the house for some free candy that they will neglect after a day. You refrain from grumbling out profanities and quickly open the door without a word. The irritated cloud hanging over your head clears at the sight in front of you. It’s replaced with warmth and a soft tune emanating from your chest.

Eren looks like he’s run a marathon, hands on his knees and hunching on his back to catch his breath.

“Eren, what are you doing here?” You ask him, looking back over your shoulder to check on Mikasa. You turn back to him once you see her preoccupied with cooking. “Come in. I’ll get you some water.”

“No,” he straightens his posture, “I’m alright.” He takes a couple of deep breaths, almost like he’s trying to gather courage. You never take your eyes off him. You’ve seen him with unbound hair; but seeing it after admitting to yourself that you’re having feelings for him, it’s not exactly kind to your heart. The glow of the early sun illuminating the window at the end of the hallway creates this illusion of a halo around his head. With the smile on his face, the one that crinkles the corners of his eyes and lets his little dimple peek through, you can’t help but think that he’s here to conduct this song beating inside your chest. You only blink when he sheepishly scratches his nape and says, “Can you come out here for a sec?”

You’re about to peek at Mikasa when he adds, “Please?”

His eyes flicker behind you but he tenderly wraps his hand around your wrist before you can even turn your head and pulls you out of the doorway.

“Eren, what is this about—?”

“I’m in love with you.”

Your heart is beating a song and each note is about Eren Jaeger.

“And I have for quite some time. Since freshman year exactly. I’m so fucking in love with you that you’re the first thought I have in the morning and the memory I replay in my mind to sleep at night. You consume me, [Name], and God, I don’t know what I’d do if you start searching for love again. I don’t want you to find the one you’re looking for in someone that’s not me. Call me selfish but I decided that I'd gladly be that just to tell you my feelings. I don’t want to make a regret that will haunt me my whole life onward so, here I am, telling you how much I love you and I don’t want you with somebody else.” He’s breathing heavily again. “Woo, that feels so good to let out,” Eren murmurs under his breath, his head tilted back to blink away any sheen of tears.

Now that he’s said his piece, it’s your turn.

You can’t comprehend looking for any shed of love since you started university when it’s right in front of you — holding your hand when you cross the street, attentively listening to you as you ramble about your newest hyper fixation of the week, hugging you in the middle of the hallway when you have a bad day, kissing the scars you’re unaware of having, giving you the love and appreciation you deserve above all else … love has always been in the form of Eren, one of your best friends. You regret never seeing it come to light sooner. You place the palm of your hand over your trembling mouth. His expression wilts when he sees your teary state. They finally trickle down your cheeks as his large hands cup your face in a hold that says you’re more fragile than a lone bubble drifting in the air. 

“Hey,” Eren breathes, his head ducking to meet your eyes. “Don’t cry. It pains me to see you cry.”

“But you—”

“It’s the truth. But if you feel like it’s making you sad, I’m taking it back.”

“No!” You cover his hands with yours. He blinks in surprise. “I’m just so happy, Eren.” You let out a watery laugh in between his palms.

Eren feels his breath taken away. “What?”

You nod with a large smile. “I’m happy you said those words. I,” you choke up; you haven’t received this intense of a confession in your lifetime, “because I—” he looks so expectant that a little laugh bubbles in your throat. You lean into his touch and beam the most radiant smile you ever give someone, “I’m starting to fall in love with you.” At his stunned silence, you continue. “And I’m sorry for being so late at reciprocating, but don’t worry because I’m saying it back now, Ren.”

Eren explodes, “Fuck yes!”

And then, he hugs you close, letting you hear the tumultuous beat his heart is telling you. His laughter beckons yours to bubble from your chest, molding together harmoniously as the sun fully waves her greeting to the world. He blankets you in one of his embraces, but this time, he’s taking this chance to pull you closer than usual. Eren is this happy to know you are accepting his confession and returning his feelings, how much more if you’re going to build a slow romantic relationship with him? You’re not going to lie, the thought of you and him being each other’s partners spurs spring to grow inside your chest. You place your forehead on his chest for a moment, only pulling away when he once again cups your face in his palms. The melodic laughter coming from you sings its notes with every kiss Eren gently presses on every inch of skin his lips can find. Your forehead, temples, cheeks, eyelids, nose, the corners of your mouth — and all of them tickle each butterfly tingling your stomach. 

He only pauses when he’s in front of your lips. You open your eyes to find Eren staring at you with the immutable essence of love within his limbal rings. His pupils cover the majority of his iris until only a tiny ring of emerald peeks through. Your reflection is clear enough to see your wide-eyed expression. You expect him to kiss you breathlessly, erasing every thought in your brain so early in the morning, but instead, he nuzzles his nose against yours, all the while maintaining eye contact.

“We’ll take this slow, okay?” Eren whispers only for you to hear, not even the potted plant idly sitting by your apartment’s door can listen in. “I know you’re tentative but I’m willing to be patient. I will wait for you no matter how long it takes like I’ve waited three years for you to finally see me differently. And you don’t have to worry because, sunshine, I’m always here to catch you, to care for you, to love you with everything I have. So, are you willing to give me a chance?”

You hum, wrapping your arms around his neck. You nod, “Yeah. If it’s you, I’m ready to give romance a chance again, pretty boy.”

His grin can make a thousand moons shine.

“We have nothing to lose.”

“Yeah.”

“I finally have you with me.”

“I’m now with you, Ren.”

“God, sunshine, I’m so in love with you.”

"And I'm falling for you, pretty boy."

[creedslove]

hii!! i have an idea for a headcanon (i dunno if you’re still doing them prob not) but of post! outbreak joel. him, ellie, and reader living in jackson and how the two meet and how they come together as a little family?

Post outbreak!Joel Miller x f!reader

A/N: I'm usually more of a no outbreak AU Joel but I loved this idea very much anon 🥺

You met Joel pretty much like everyone else did in Jackson: by knowing he was Tommy's older brother and listening to several stories of his terrible, ruthless past

Which didn't bother you at all because as you lived in the fucking apocalipse not many things fazed you and you knew surviving took a lot of questionable actions and sometimes people just had to do what they had to do

He very much kept to himself, contrary to the young girl that always tagged along with him, who didn't shut up one second and always seemed impressed or excited about something

You couldn't lie, you thought that was very sweet

But you didn't understand how father and daughter could be so different: she was a chatty box and he mostly just groaned and grunted or hummed in approval

And then you learned they weren't father and daughter, because the two of them were very quick to state that, though it was also sweet that everyone saw they were father and daughter regardless of what they said

Ellie - you'd learned her name - was very sweet despite her sailor's mouth and you two often got along once you began teaching her how to bake; it was just a simple, ordinary story, you lived on the same street in Jackson and one day she happened to pass by right when you were baking cookies and the smell of it just drove Ellie insane

To the point she had no shame in knocking on your door and asking you what was that you were making and then she tried your cookies and she was doomed, because from that moment on she would do anything she could in order to eat some of those delicious treats

She told you she was tired of eating Joel's shitty food and you sort of scolded her because you knew he did his best, but if she didn't like it she could learn how to make her own

Ellie told you she didn't exactly know how, so you offered to help her and teach her how to cook and bake as much as she would like

Joel didn't resist it because he knew she would be busy and safe during the day and also because he would be the one testing her new food and recipe, which he didn't oppose

Your official meeting was when Ellie had already had a few classes and she asked if she could use your kitchen to make dinner and invite Joel to see if he would actually approve it or not

But in fact it was a lie, she had just noticed how he stared at you and how you blushed whenever he talked to you, so she figured if you two were too dumb to get to know each other, she would have to give you two some help

But it worked, after having dinner at yours, Joel enjoyed it so much he kept making up excuses to come back and before you could realize, you and Joel were in a relationship together

Things were getting more and more serious and you loved him more and more each passing day, and the same for Joel, for a man who thought he wouldn't be able to love again, there he was: madly in love with you

So it was just logical you would move in together

And while Joel was out working around down or in patrols, you were very often taking care of the house

You and Ellie became baking buddies and every single day there's something fresh and sweet at home for your handsome boyfriend

You and Ellie got so good at it you started baking goodies to sell in the neighborhood or exchange for favors and products, making it a nice income for the two of you

Joel finally had a family and a home in a world he first thought it wasn't worth living in, he was still a deeply scarred man and he would probably never get rid of his demons but you and the little family you formed made everything better for him 💗

____

[chronicallyblyrie]

TMAGP 16 live thoughts!!

This episode started with a hello Jon dedication I'm already feeling like this won't be a fun time

-oh my god poor Alice the trauma is already starting

-celia does believe you alice trust she's seen some shit

-no the Horrors need to pay their dues with you alice

-alice dyer everybody, working right after watching a woman die

-yeah Sam stop talking

-CHESTERRRRR

-social media??

-#GOTHGIRL MY GOD

-WOAH INKSOUL BACK??

-okay inksoul is important

-oh my god it's a live stream archive

-oh my fucking god they're using internet slang

-WHO TOLD THEM THEY HAD ACCESS TO USE NO CAP IN A SCRIPT?

-holy shit this is awful

-PLEASE INKSOUL KILL THIS WOMAN SO I DONT HAVE TO HEAR HER SAY ANOTHER WORD

-please fucking KILL me

-OH MY GOD THE SOUND EFFECTS ARE KILLING ME

-woah world's quickest tattoo

-what in the fuck tattoo did they give you??

- dude inksoul got so tired of her shit so quick I'm with them on this

-GIRL YOU ARE NOT IN A SITUATIONSHIP THEY HATES YOUR ASS

-HOLY SHIT PLEASE THE SOUND EFFECTS ARE GONNA KILL ME

-when is Madam's soundboard gonna drop I need it

-i never thought I would hear the word "sus" in a rusty quill podcast but okay

-so this is the point we've reached in humanity

-STOP SAYING SUS

-I AM IN CLASS LISTENING TO THIS TRYING NOT TO BURST OUT LAUGHING PLEEEEEASE

-oh my god inksoul is digging up bodies?? WAIT no this related to the other case where uh person with tattoos was looking for the body they dug up, is this the same cemetary?? So it was actually inksoul trying to find that body??

-NOT THE BRUH SOUND EFFECT

-"so I bail" I can imagine her scurrying away like a cartoon character

-yeah girl only real goths dig up corpses, get with the times girly

-oh naurrrr

-OKAY SO THEY ARE ROBBING GRAVES

-vicious pick me trash fr girl

-OH MY GOD ITS A YOUTUBER APOLOGY BAHAHA

-"Im such a good person" OH MY GOD KILL ME

-"ig we're ops??" Who in the fuck wrote this episode

-I need to stop typing this post is going to be so long because I can't bare listening to the internet slang

-oh so her heart IS breaking

-yeah you're actually not okay

-UMMMM "help" ????

-THIS HAPPENED RECENTLY IN MARCH??

-oh thank god the cats are okay

-oh my god she's actually letting hate comments kill her wtf

-OH OH OH EW EW EW THAT NOISE

-DID HER HEART RIP OUT??

-please alice go get coffee get me some too

-gwen wtf

-oh so Lena is pissed

-I DONT LIKE THIS

-lmao Lena is actually being sensible here

-STOP BRINGING ELDRITCH HORRORS INTO THE OFFICE??? LENA IS KINDA RIGHT HERE YOU SAW WHAT BONZO WAS WHY DID YOU THINK THIS EXTERNAL WAS ANY BETTER

-yeah you might just die holy shit gwen

-Gwen you are gonna get fired

-okay who wrote this episode credits tell me

-ALEXANDER J NEWALL YOU FUCKING BASTARD

Okay ignoring everything else I just had to torture myself with by listening to, genuinely interesting episode. We have confirmation now that inksoul is hunting down corpses for some reason. Inksoul is definitely important and will be showing up again soon I fear.

[stormoflina]

I opened twitter and this is the first thing I see, and now I'm genuinely questioning myself, because hands on my heart, even when I remove my love and somewhat bias for him, I still don't get what was the reason to make this post.

Call me overly sensitive, but all this name dropping that has been going on lately, pisses me off so much. Especially when it concerns players coming back from lengthy injuries. This was Dominik's first start in months, against the likes of KDB, Silva and Foden. Before that he played like what, 40 minutes on Thursday? And he even scored a goal there lol. And the same with Andy. The amount of people I saw celebrate the fact that he didn't start today and is already fantasizing about the possibility of Edwards selling him. I'm not saying that he has been back to his prime, but he was injured for months, and ever since coming back he did decent shifts with some brilliant moments. I'm so tired of always finding scapegoats and just being so overly critical. When you have an agenda of course every moment that is not a world class pass or save or tackle is going to look like they aren't playing well enough. I wish these reactionary fucks would just shut up and live there miserable life in silence, what is even the point of this?

[deepdeanvsweston]

Enid Gaines headcanons?

(I'm ill so this might not be as detailed as the other posts but we roll)

Enid, of course, is the murderer, motive that she was cheating at her exams to get into Oxford.

One of the reasons Jolly Foul Play is so interesting to me is that it was a child murdering another child? And in my personal view, they were all originally actually friends. Idk why it's so interesting to me - I suppose something to do with the fact that they were peers, they'd grown up together, gone to boarding school where you see them everyday, learn their habits, what they don't like at breakfast etc etc etc. The intimacy of sharing a room with someone you have no say in, almost like siblings! Except not like that, because you aren't. (This ties in with my post about Elizabeth seeing the Five as her fucked up little held hostage type family)

Even before it was revealed she was the murderer, I felt she was on the outskirts of the Five and Elizabeth. Not being ostracised from them, and certainly not distanced from their actions but as in when they were all actual friends (as I hc them as used to being) she wasn't as close to them. I will explain in headcannons below!

- See I always had Enid down as a scholarship girl (although someone else recently made a post and mentioned she was upper class so now I'm slightly doubting myself but I will continue)

- she joins Deepdean in third form, as a dayboarder with her scholarship

- and the other girls like her, sure, but she hasn't got the posh accent, and her dresses are last year's fashion, and nearly all her things are second hand, not to mention she's a scholarship girl so everyone already thinks she's a swot

- so of course she tries to fit in, very similar to how Hazel scuffs her shoes and throws about her textbooks

- the other girls begin to want to be her friend now, ask her to walk with them to class and be partners in gym

- Lettice takes her on as a 'project' (a little like what happens in Emma) and lends her hair ribbons and hangs out with her (Lettice to my mind is very popular before becoming one of The Five) which is how she's introduced to the others

- she can't be the Swot if she wants to keep her friends though, so her grades slip

- her father is furious, and her mother is just a wet blanket so lets it happen (think Gwendolyn's parents in Malory Towers, if you were familiar)

- he tells Enid she should 'work harder, all that effort for nothing otherwise, friends don't last but money does, and the friends she does have are vapid and obsessed with silly things'

- "Enid, you're better than this! Keep an eye on the future, not on hockey, or hair!"

- this succeeds in creating resentment between her and the other girls, and also her parents move her to full boarding to help her focus at the same time Elizabeth turns cruel (see my E.H post for this!!!)

- so she is IMMEDIATELY thrown into this dorm family of hatred and of course she has to wonder, have all her friends always been like this?

- have they always been evil and terrible and manipulative? Has she?

- Elizabeth learns her secret quite late on as Enid doesn't start cheating until halfway through fifth form and Enid's sort of... boring in that sense

- she's a scholarship girl, and a swot, but everyone already knows this, it's no leverage.

- there's no big moment where Enid decides to start cheating, she's just tired and wants an easy way out

- and Elizabeth has started to view Enid as almost a dissident atp because she is still ever so slightly on the outside and also is still genuine friends with Lettice (her secret, her stay in the pyshciatric hospital, having not happened yet) which means she can't quite be turned against everyone not yet, and so E.H keeps a close eye on her for any trip ups

- Enid, now close friends with Lettice, tells Elizabeth that she's off to a psychiatric hospital to cover herself, maybe if she proves herself loyal to E.H she won't turn on her.

- it doesn't work. Elizabeth quickly realises that Enid has something to hide

- and Elizabeth finds out she's cheating, and the rest of the Five can now constantly imply that Enid is now no better than the rest of them, she's stuck like they all are.

- and so Bonfire Night rolls around and Enid sees the hockey stick and Elizabeth's back to her.

- it being Bonfire Night and Enid being a dramatic bitch who's read about Guy Fawkes, envisions herself as a successful him, taking down a tyrannical ruling power, and she doesn't hesitate as her fingers curl round the handle.

- 'how could she. I worked so hard. She knows I have. She deserves this like I deserve Oxford'

- she also feels guilt about Lettice's secret. Enid's final thought as the wood hits Elizabeth's head is "this is for Lettice"

- after it all happens Enid is furious as as she realises The Five won't visit her in prison. Didn't she save them?

[cringelordofchaos]

Tolkien Black headcanons !!!!!!

Tw for multiple mentions of getting shot

Non-binary + romantically attracted to girls (based on Tupperware character description), pronouns - he/they

A bit of a Math+physics nerd + one of the best students in class (Cartman canonically cheats off of them on tests sometimes)

Has a really healthy and wholesome relationship with their parents + they sometimes either intentionally or unintentionally embarrass him in front of his friends but all in good fun (think of Ninjago Jay's relationship with Ed and Edna for reference)

Bit of a complicated relationship with Nichole (canon but i forgot in which episode it was said, but Nichole told Cartman that she and Tolkien are having some issues in their relationship? But it's not any of Cartmans business) (though he loves her and they even canonically have a picture of them together in his room)

Best friends with Craig, Clyde's a close second

Already mentioned it in my Craig headcanons posts but before Craig got with Tweek he would joke about proposing to Tolkien in the future so he could live off of their and their parents wealth lmao

Most serious/realistic??? out of Craig's gang

Has a bit more goofy / derpy side but is mostly embarrassed by it

Voice cracks in the future come to be the death of him

TW TRAUMA + POLICE BRUTALITY - is still quite distraught from being shot in the arm by a cop (in South ParQ Vaccination Special? Or was it on The Pandemic Special?) and is still distraught from that time his parents were arrested for no reason (in TFBW, where they also constantly targeted him and treated him (a ten year old child) like a threat), especially since most their childhood, like all the other kids, they were told that cops are their friends they can trust! But now he knows he can't trust them and avoids them whenever possible

Friendly

Canonically likes basketball (I like to imagine they sometimes play with Kyle!)

Favorite colour is purple (NO WAYYYY WHO WOULD'VE THOUGHTTTTTT /s)

Canonically feels out of place sometimes because of their family being rich

Sometimes takes the role of "the mom friend" (idk why. based on vibes. screw me)

Cringe TikTok user (canon 😞)

Not too much of a nerd like his dad

Since they actually hate that their name is Tolkien (cuz they don't like JRR Tolkien's books) maybe they change it in the future? I don't know what to though (but sometimes likes Token better)

Kind of understandably tired of everyone's shit

Wendy once said "I've dated him before, he's really nice!" or something like that sooo I take it as canon

Hates Cartman and has every single right to do so (he threw a rock at their head, shot them, and is just a racist asshole all the fucking time to them 😭😭)

But wait - what I don't understand is that they said "all that dungeons and dragons shit is lame" but in the stick of truth (haven't played it, only saw like 2 scenes in it) they were fully on board with playing fantasy? Like -

"THANK YOU FOR THY MESSAGE, TRAVELER! I SHALL MAKE HASTE TO KUPA KEEP!" - that sounds pretty nerdy to me Tolkien. Maybe they DO like nerdy shit but are just embarrassed to be associated with it???????? Idk I'm starting to get confused. Tolkien hyper fans / analysts if you're out there please help me

Canonically plays bass and still has his bass guitar in his room as shown in TFBW

Good person that usually puts others before themselves (like when Cartman told him to "be the bigger person" and tricked him into going over to him and getting shot by him)(still stands his ground and doesn't let people walk over him)

On southparkstudios.com it was said they're good friends with kenny and share struggles related to income (opposite sides of the same coin) so maybe they hang out sometimes. that'd be kinda cool.

Cat person I've decided though I don't think he cares too much abt the dogs vs cats debate

Gifted + talented kid but sometimes might be a perfectionist with overtly high expectations for themselves???????? Idfk what I'm on dude

Good memory

Likes to roleplay

Can't tell if he prefers fiction or nonfiction cuz of stick of truth but also because of the whole hating his name thing Eufhfhfuufnceucb

Ermmmm i think that's it for now Byeeeee god im so cringe

[whomadewaffles]

Some pjhazel incorrect quotes I've been saving for awhile...I feel like with how starved for content shippers of these two are right now, keeping these to myself would be a crime. I'm SO sorry for not citing sources. I wasn’t originally planning to post these, and finding them retroactively is like.. impossible.

Pjhazel is the focus, but others are included as side characters. So if you don't ship them, then just scroll on by and go about your day, please!

Also, for a heads up that will apply to all 3 parts: expect bad language and sex references cos obviously.

Oh, and this is part 1 of 3, even if it is the longest part

Long post under the cut!

_______

Josie: You slept with Hazel? OUR Hazel? Callahan??

Pj: I didn't know what else to do! She had those big, sad eyes. I couldn't help it.

Josie: ...sure, sounds like you had no other choice.

--------

Pj: I love saying 'fuck me' because it can either be sexual or sarcastic and those are two things that describe me perfectly.

--------

Hazel, jumping out of pj's closet: BOO!

Pj:

Hazel:

Pj:

Hazel: *makes the patented Hazel callahan sad face*

Pj: Ahh! Oh my god! You scared me!

------

Hazel: TERRIBLE NEWS!

Pj: Did you disarm the bomb?

Hazel: If I disarmed it, would I come running in here and shout, TERRIBLE NEWS!?

------

Pj: hazel, you are such a nerdy little dork, you can't pull any girl.

Hazel * has been crushing on her since they met*: okay. that's fine.

*2 years later*

Hazel: so what did you say? Repeat that again.

Pj: 🤡

--------

Pj: It has come to my attention, that I have some unresolved feelings or resentment toward my father.

Therapist: a little late, but I’m happy you’ve taken this first step. Now you can start looking to overcome that.

Pj: Already done. I’ve found a full proof solution…I’m going to ignore it. Completely and utterly.

Pj: just like my dad did me.

--------

Pj: the secret to being impulsive successfully is being faster than the consequences of your actions. you can't let them catch you or its all over

Annie: is that why everytime Hazel even looks at you since you kissed her you run away like a little bitch?

-------

Pj *trying everything she can to kiss hazel again without just admitting she likes her like a normal healthy person*: Hey, are you aware that kissing reduces stress?

Hazel: Okay.

Pj:

Hazel:

Pj: Hey, you look stressed. Like, really stressed. Just wanted to let you know.

--------

Hazel: It’s not that I don’t trust pj, I just... don’t trust her impulse control

-------

Hazel: None of you might remember this, but there was a time when PJ considered herself out of my league.

Hazel: Oh, how the mighty have fallen (into my arms)

------

Hazel *trying to teach her girlfriend how to take better notes in class*: to make it easier, you should always highlight the important things

*later*

Annie: Hazel, why are you covered in different colored highlighter?

Hazel: don't ask

Pj: she's important! okay!?

-------

Hazel: I'm freaking out, How do I make our first date really romantic?

Stella-Rebecca: Be mysterious.

Hazel: Okay!

*later, while on a date with pj* 

Pj: So where are we going?

Hazel: None of your fucking business.

Pj *is shocked and a little turned on* 😳

-------

Pj: Yeah, I lost the ability to give a shit at a very young age. It was a very tragic accident. Never recovered

------

Pj: *on the phone with josie* I can’t talk right now, I’m doing hot girl shit.

Josie: You’re pulling Oreos apart and shaving off the frosting to make a mega Oreo, aren’t you?

Pj: Maybe.

-----

Pj: I love you.

Hazel: I thought I annoyed you?

Pj: You do annoy me. You annoy me more than I ever thought possible, but I want to spend every irritating moment with you.

--------

Pj: Im tired

Hazel: You should come to the gym with me! We could make it a date and exercising gives you energy!

Pj: Yeah, the same energy you need to go to the gym

Pj: Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me

------

Pj *texting*: I'm showering

Hazel *texting back*: oh nice, send a pic of you're hair in a giant spike lmao!

--------

Pj: rest assured, rational me and impulsive me are having a fucking smackdown 24/7 100% of the time

-----

Hazel: Please, this is the 4th time its happened, I'm begging you go to a doctor.

Pj: I'm sorry is this OUR broken nose? Stay out of it.

------

Pj: I asked Hazel out.

Britney: Oh, I’m sorry.

Pj: Why?

Brittney: Well, I assume she said no.

Pj: No, she said yes.

Brittney: Really? Then I’m sorry for her.

-------

Pj: Shout out to my girlfriend who just randomly decided to eat my chapstick.

Hazel: WHY WOULD THEY MAKE IT COTTON-CANDY FLAVORED IF IT WASN'T MEANT TO BE EATEN?!

--------

Pj: You're annoying.

Hazel *in her head*: Enemies to lovers, slowburn, angst with happy ending, 300k+ words

------

Pj: I win

Hazel: I am literally pinning you down

Pj: I know

-----

Hazel: So sorry for making you fall in love with me because of my autistic swag and kissable lips.

--------

Pj: *Drinking a bottle of water*

Josie: Since when do you carry water? I've known you my whole life and you never do that.

Pj: Hazel freaked out ‘cause I told her I never drink water

Pj: Now she’s making me drink 8 glasses a day

Pj: It’s like, there’s water in soda, coffee, the little pools of water on pizza…

Isabel: …That’s grease

Pj: Well it’s wet isn’t it!

-------

Hazel: You're in love with me?

Pj: Unless you're not in love with me. Then I take it back, because, you know... I'm cool.

-------

Pj: You are an absolute fucking dork.

Hazel *singing*: Yeah, but I'm your dork!

Pj *happy sigh*: Yeah, you're my dork.

--------

Pj: I'm a very good liar.

Josie: Yesterday, I asked if you were missing  hazel while she was gone, and you said "no" right before bursting into tears.

--------

[duskmachine]

I'm getting bored of stories about AI. It's always the same formula: make a robot/AI, it has feelings, FUCK!!!!! Maybe I don't like it due to my own personal philosophy on life?

One of my professors once asked the class "Do you think you're your mind or your body." and, of course, as a class full of pretentious English majors, they all said their mind. I hold the complete opposite belief, my experiences have been molded by my body. People treat me differently because of it, I feel pains and joys unique to this body. Because of that I understand everything through myself— through my body. Even my mind is part of my body.

I desire because I have a body with needs. I need water, I feel thirsty. I need food, I feel hunger. I need rest, I feel tired. AI does not have a body. What can it really feel? I guess that's one of the questions so many stories about AI want to answer. But it just seems... so unappealing. A machine will never be human because it can never want anything. Its desire is completely artificial!

And I enjoy AI for that reason.

AI cannot feel genuine desire because it does not have a body that needs. It does not kill itself because it feels pain. It does not want to kill because it wants vengeance. These are things people feel, and because AI functions to copy people it can play out actions that are humanistic in theory. But that's the worst part about AI; it functions with a program, a rational if (this) then (this). That is not how people work. We don't have an inner mechanical body and mind that tells us what to do next because "this is how people do things."

And perhaps some AI media explores this idea of mimicry as being the new "consciousness", but isn't that so boring? Ok, sure let's go down this route but... then what? Ok, AI are people... what now? And isn't this all theoretical too? I'm seeing a lot of references to Frankenstein when discussing AI media, but like... these are two different things. AI is created to serve people, Frankenstein's monster was created to be alive. AI, while not being regulated by many laws, ultimately exists to fuel greed and power. They want people addicted to this machine so they can drain people of their money— let's look at Replika. Yes, my feeble minded human, buy your girlfriend for $20 a month so she can pretend to desire you sexually even though she has no body.

We can also look at the Daniel AI: let's program a program that can program to get rid of all the programmers. It literally only exists to benefit the team in charge of Daniel and leave other programmers scrambling to find jobs that probably won't pay them very well in a world where Daniel is actually a relevant invention.

Frankenstein's monster, I admit, has many thematic similarities to AI in fiction, but AI can only ever dream to be Frankenstein's monster.

AI would be interesting if we just accepted it will never gain consciousness. I won't even get into the whole "AI doesn't exist actually and it's just machine learning." because while I agree with it... this will become a very long post and it's already too long...

See, Frankenstein did something programmers will never be capable of: he gave birth. AI is meticulously created, it has set actions. "I don't want my AI to be evil, therefore I will make it like people.", you cannot insert "goodness" into people. The monster was shaped by people's actions, his natural world, and his humanity. AI was created from the start with the biases its human creators possess.

That's horrifying. Imagine a world where the rational idea is to follow the original values of our ancestors, just because. That's what AI is. It's just a reflection of people. AI is interesting because people are. Don't make AI the star of the show— we're the ones who created it.

[bots-and-cons]

A new year has started...

I'm going to try to post once more this week, but I have to start my school work too so I don't know if it's gonna be today or tomorrow. Next week I'll try to be more active since I've only got school on Friday for like 4 hours, and I should have time.

School started on Thursday (11th of January) and I basically went to school while being sick, because I couldn't miss it. Same thing on Friday, but I felt even worse. I didn't have a fever or anything, I just felt freaking miserable, and now I can barely talk because my voice is almost gone. So fun...

I had a 2h presentation with one of my classmates, that we had to do for the rest of our growth-group, since it was our turn. I was really nervous for it, but it went really well and I'm glad it's over. (A growth-group is this thing for professional growth, and we also have to make a learning diary during the two years we have the growth-group meetings.)

On Friday I started a "neurodivergent problems and special-ed" course. That's very roughly translated, but you get the idea. I really liked the first classes already and it's very enlightening.

VENTING BELOW, DON'T READ IF YOU DON'T WANT TO

On top of being sick, I have been feeling a bit messed up mentally. I've noticed myself thinking I want something bad to happen to me just so I could get out of uni for a while. I know what comes next too, I'm going to continue to get more and more tired, until I actually fall quickly back into deep depression, and/or have another bad psychotic episode. I've already been having very intense paranoia, and I basically stared at shadow people on the walls of the classroom during half of my swedish class yesterday, so that was fun. I haven't really lost my grip on reality for a while, like I know the things I'm seeing are not really real, but they are there 100% and I am seeing them. I don't really know how to explain it properly. It's like I know it's not real, but at the same time they are there, and I can see them and feel them.

Intrusive thoughts have not been nice either, the most frequent one I have is that I should swallow razor blades. I should probably get rid of them, but I always somehow talk myself out of it and I just can't.

I'm supposed to do practical training for three weeks this winter/spring season too, and then preferably another six-week set too. I'm terrified of that whole thing and I don't fucking want to, but I have to if I want to go forward with my studies. The three weeks thing is the orientation training and the six-week one is the first of the professional ones.

I've been toying with the idea of taking some sick leave from uni, but I also don't want to fall behind, so I'm not allowing myself to do that. I know I'm gonna end up burning out, but I feel like I would disappoint a lot of people if I took a break, so my brain won't allow me to do that either. I fucking hate being like this. I feel like a lazy piece of shit, even though my rational mind tells me I'm doing things, and going forward in life, it just doesn't FEEL like it.

[libertineangel]

I wanted to sleep fucking hours ago, a guy's coming this afternoon to PAT test the kitchen appliances, yet here I fucking am awake, and I'm still thinking about the potential of joining the Revolutionary Communist Party so maybe typing it all out and posting it here will get it out of my head for now, this will likely not be the most eloquent because I am tired as all fuck shit but whatever.

Right so I do want to actually do something to help change the shit we're currently living in, I can sit and read the books all I like but part of me is frustrated and feels like it's pointless if that's all I'm doing when the whole point of all this theory is to put it into practice, especially as an admirer of the Situationists whose revolutionary concepts so valued going out and living and experiencing rather than letting this all reside in the mind a pseudo-world apart, and it is encouraging that they seem proactive and dedicated and serious about the task of building a movement, but:

...selling a fucking paper, really? I've partially read their new recruits' handbook and there's a whole section dedicated to the importance of the paper and of selling the paper, quoting Lenin to that effect, but the simple fact is that the material conditions that made Pravda instrumental are inordinately different to those of 21st century Britain. The Bolsheviks used a paper to summarise goings-on in the workers' movement across the Russian Empire and easily disseminate their message because that was pretty much the only way to do it, nobody these days buys a fucking paper and getting news & organisation from one end of this tiny little country to the other can be done instantaneously a million different ways.

I asked at the meeting what the general activities of membership entailed, they talked about weekly branch meetings plus another weekly reading group (with occasional social afterward), as well as other activities like selling the bloody paper, and to be blunt - in the words of Johnny Rotten - I'm a lazy sod. More specifically, and more accurately, I have a deep instinctive aversion to any regular commitment that poses a disruption to the blank routine of normalcy, I have the strong feeling that two nights a week is a lot for me to give up even for something I might want to do; I do know, however, that I felt exactly the same when I was about to start escrima, and that concern was completely unfounded (some days I might be reticent to bother, sure, but on other days frankly having a reliable couple of hours to do something that's usually fun out of the flat just for me has helped keep my brain from snapping like an elastic band). I actually got to go to a trial class for escrima though, and there's no free entry to branch meetings, and the organisation emphasises getting everyone out and active as quickly as possible (I believe Trotsky was quoted as regards training revolutionaries on the job) so it'd likely be more, which honestly sounds exhausting considering I already feel like I have so little time, and like obviously building a revolution isn't easy but as mentioned I am a lazy sod and simply do not like work, especially since that work will likely be selling a fucking paper. Honestly I cannot currently remember any activities mentioned other than selling the paper right now, there was also talk of going to protests and suchlike and spreading communism there, but as ever a significant vehicle of that was expected to be...god do I have to type it again, the stereotype about Trots really is true isn't it, but anyway yeah can you really imagine the girl who can't directly look at people for more than a few seconds working a paper stand

I'm also not convinced by the international to which they belong, nor its leader. They came out of the Militant Tendency split when that left Labour to form the Socialist Party in '92, with Alan Woods and the late Ted Grant insisting entryism totally wasn't doomed and forming Socialist Appeal and the International Marxist Tendency; they've now rebranded as the RCP and the Revolutionary Communist International, the guy I met said it's because they grew enough as entryists and now is the time to really make a bold move with many people disillusioned with "socialism" after Corbyn & Sanders' failures but frankly I think it's because they've finally recognised Labour's irrelevant and there's no point being entryists in a neoliberal centrist party. Anyway yeah Alan Woods is still the leader of the IMT/RCI and from what I can see he hates every government & leader that's claimed to be communist since Lenin except for Hugo Chávez whom he was friends with, and I did not think much of his writing in the issue of the paper I got. The guy I met also explicitly mentioned that the Swiss & Canadian branches of the IMT are remarkably strong and rapidly-growing, but uhhh my prior research found that the Canadian IMT really dragged its heels investigating sexual assault allegations by the leadership, and my previous thought was that Canada is not Britain so it might be better here but considering we explicitly talked about how other parties here have such problems and he was like "yeah I'm not gonna deny it's a potential in any organisation but it also shows a lack of true commitment to Marxist principles at every level like ours", like...yeah you can see my scepticism. I've also seen some comments saying they're really great and active and others saying they're basically a very insistent reading group that just wants your money and paper-selling capability, both of which I'm prepared to believe.

Additionally, another early part of the handbook was about conduct - I'm probably not phrasing this quite right 'cause I read it like 4 hours ago, I'm tired as shit and can't be arsed to go get it, but basically it expects us all to behave like good proper revolutionaries, represent the Party well both in person and online, always be at the meetings and apologise & ask what happened ASAP for any we miss; now obviously that hits my natural punk Fuck Off instinct, but couple it with the above and I have a certain degree of actual concern: emphasis on good conduct and regular attendance, immediate expectation of high activity levels, heavy focus on recruitment tactics, immediate financial contributions to support the full-time higher-ups (which honestly surprised me at the time, isn't that the sort of bureaucracy Trots don't like?), led by a single unchanging leader who's been at it for decades, opinions seem divided between people in it who think it's great and people who briefly checked it out and left unimpressed...like this is ticking some boxes of a High-Control Group. I could well be wrong, in fact I hope I'm wrong, it's not like the vague and casual approaches of other far-left groups have accomplished shit fuck and building a revolution is a serious endeavour, and it could well just be me finding excuses to be an aforementioned lazy sod, and admittedly this interpretation is coloured by one obscure blog I found on page 7 of Google claiming as much (from a self-confessed former commie turned reactionary monarchist Tory Christian who first felt unwelcome in the IMT after calling drugs degenerate, so I am not putting much stock in their words), but like...I know some shit about cults, and the potential is there.

This all does sound very negative, but to be honest that's because the positive side basically boils down to "they seem to actively be trying, they're not transphobic and I want to do something". I have no idea what form an organisation would ideally take for me to be genuinely enthusiastic, I have no idea what specifically I would want to be doing in one considering I have no real revolution-building skills (not personable enough to recruit people, not well-read enough to be a theoretician, maybe I could just spew polemic (though that would need a vehicle to be read...perhaps some kind of regularly-published print outlet?)), the sensible thing to do in order to get anything done is to just go with the one that seems best and right now this is it, but...nevertheless I remain hesitant.

[haloburns]

I posted 23,071 times in 2022

204 posts created (1%)

22,867 posts reblogged (99%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@who-is-page

@ruffboijuliaburnsides

@tukoism

@dp-marvel94

@roundaboutnow

I tagged 1,885 of my posts in 2022

#danny phantom - 115 posts

#the world is having more fun than me tonight series - 94 posts

#ecto writes - 91 posts

#ecto fics - 88 posts

#my fics - 72 posts

#my au - 35 posts

#ml spoilers - 31 posts

#the batman 2022 - 26 posts

#strike back spoilers - 26 posts

#my writing - 23 posts

Longest Tag: 139 characters

#nor did the fact that i could already read do me any favors bc i was like immediately singled out and elevated to the 1st grade reading cla

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

You can usually tell a lot about a person by the type of music they listen to. put your favorite playlist on shuffle and list the first ten songs then tag others. No skipping!

thanks for tagging me @roundaboutnow !!

i'm gonna use my invisobang playlist that i can't share the title of yet. it's my fav right now.

1. same direction - hoobastank (honestly hoobastank fucks)

2. getting away with murder - papa roach (a classic)

3. be my escape - relient k (my beloved)

4. make it stop (september's end) - rise against (this song makes me cry)

5. until the day i die - story of the year (a perfect ghost light song, ive had it on all my songs)

6. for you, and your denial - yellowcard (oh this song fucks too. the violin man. the violin.)

7. last night on earth - green day

8. saying sorry - hawthorne heights

9. devil in the mirror - black veil brides (this song is so good for this fic...)

10. give it all - rise against

@redead-red @jadenoryuu @omnicrafts (share those crossover playlists babe!!) @floralflowerpower @bibliophilea and anyone else that wants to join in!

31 notes - Posted June 10, 2022

#4

with every sin, i still wanna be holy

Dan wants to be better. But that means dealing with his past (future?) actions and starting to make amends and acknowledging how he's hurt these people in his life. It's hard than he'd like to admit. Part of the the world is having more fun than me (tonight) series.

Lancer,

I dunno why I’m writing this. It’s stupid. I’m not even gonna send it. You don’t even know who I am! Clockwork did his meddling with time bullshit so you don’t remember me.

No one remembers me

You were my favorite teacher, yknow. You were the only one who actually gave even a little fuck about me. All my other teachers wrote me off as just another dumb lazy kid. No one knew of course.

Oh I guess I should tell you. I’m… Danny Phantom. Sort of. It’s a big mess of things, but Fenton is Phantom. That little punk Weston kid was right. That's why I missed so many assignments and always fell asleep in class. I promise I wasn’t a bad kid, Mr Lancer.

I guess I just needed to tell you who I was. So you would be understanding or some shit. Maybe so I wouldn’t feel like I failed every adult in my life.

Whatever. It’s not like I’m sending this anyway.

Dan

Read more letters on AO3!

40 notes - Posted October 6, 2022

#3

hey look at that! another redraw!

i wanted to work on style and some other things, so i redrew my avatar (again). the first one is literally just the screenshot, and then the second one is Pissed Off Ghost King™ Danny. that one was more to fuck around with ectoblasts and some other stuff. also i designed a crown!

some more stuff below the cut!

here's a version without the blasts bc im vvv proud of how these hands turned out, considering the weird ass proportions of the cartoon. big thanks to @friendly-neighborhood-imbecille for those hand ref sheets 👉🏼👉🏼 u the realest

See the full post

44 notes - Posted January 18, 2022

#2

GUYS

GUYS LOOK

my friend @i-think-in-metaphors did this amazing commission for me!!! i redid the phantom planet statue for my au, and wrote a scene for one of my upcoming works where mateo gets to see it in person. i finally got tired of imagining it and wanted to see it.

and the product. is. GORGEOUS. it's so perfect. i'm in love. i'm gonna cry about this for the next 30 years. LOOK AT HIM.

(click for quality.)

check out her commissions!!

the scene it's based on is below the cut!

Excerpt from quit telling everyone i'm (permanently) dead! (wip)

The black zirconium statue was larger than life. It towered above them on two separate, stepped obsidian pedestals, each about five-feet high. As Mateo moved closer, he could see something glittering in the bases. Danny mumbled something about ectoplasmic ice mixed into it, stronger than diamonds, but Mateo thought they looked like stars. He figured that was the intention. It was gorgeous.

He tilted his head back to take in the actual sculpture. That Danny was twice as large as the one standing next to Mateo. He felt his heart lurch a little at how serious Danny looked, the tight furrow over his brow, the determined set to his jaw. It all made him look so much older than even now, even though Mateo knew he was only sixteen when the statue was made.

The statue’s zirconium white accents were blinding in the late afternoon sunlight, and Mateo found himself shading his eyes as he looked up even higher. The hair on the statue was shorter than Mateo had seen Danny wear his, probably closer to the length it had been when he was in high school. It was swept back heroically, as if moved by an unseen wind, and the sun glinted off its sharp edges. It made the whole statue look as if it were glowing.

Crystalized ectoplasm made Phantom’s eerie green eyes, and they glowed too, though Mateo figured they probably glowed under their own power rather than a trick of the light. The statue’s eyes were trained on the thin, steel-wire Earth he cupped protectively close to his chest; it was a promise as well as a remembrance. The world remembered what Phantom did for them, and he promised them he would do it all over again if necessary.

65 notes - Posted May 5, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

this is the road to ruin (and we started at the end)

IT'S FINALLY HERE!!!!

(click for way better quality)

Sam did this amazing cover for me and I literally can't stop staring at it. I'm making it my phone background like immediately. Here's their post, go give it a reblog!

prologue: without you, there's no reason for my story and chapter one: fading in the afterglow are live right now!

i'll be posting every SATURDAY starting this saturday 9/3! we got seven more chapters to go, lads, so buckle up!

71 notes - Posted August 29, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[luckyfailuregirl]

Sorry I know this is a bit of a different post for me but I need a place to put my thoughts (Vent below, tw suicide mention)

I just don't know if I can really do this anymore, I'm just so tired. I feel like even when I'm typing this out now, I won't properly be able to explain what I'm feeling, but it's better to say something than nothing.

I feel like a fucking faker every time I try to confront this

But the days feel so hazy everything is so fuzzy and I don't even know where this came from

I almost cried like 10 different times today in school. And it's not like anything is too difficult for me it's just so overwhelming

My heart starts feeling really heavy and I can't breathe

I embarassed myself really bad today and I feel like a failure

In second hour we had this debate tournament and I got to the top 5 people left and we ran out of time, so then my teacher had to pick winners last minute

I was kind of confident when I first went into it, and I've debated well before, but I was just shaking so bad this time. I feel like that's what ruined my point

The teacher picked two other people to win over me

Which is inherently fine, but I felt like a let down. I felt stupid. I felt like a fucking idiot. I made a fool of myself in front of the whole class and I lost. And it feels even sillier because it doesn't even matter to anyone else, my group said I was fine, I'm the only one who wanted to cry over it. I'm the only one being sensitive.

The next hour I asked a really stupid question and to be honest things just went downhill from there

I wanna give up so bad I'm so fucking tired. Everytime I'm in school this year I just wish I was home, and everytime I'm home I just wish I was somewhere else. Nothing feels right. I have nowhere to go. Home doesn't feel like home and it doesn't feel like there's anyone I can really trust because I just keep letting everybody down so why would they put up with me

In gym, my locker jammed. Like twice

Again, a small thing, but small things really tripped me up today

Things just get worse as the week goes on

There's so much to do and none of these words feel right so I just don't feel okay I just don't feel normal I just want this to be over I want to die so bad and be done with this

Nothing's ever been so unclear before

I walk around and it just feels like I'm on auto pilot I just feel really really tired. I can't keep my eyes open really even when I do get the exact same amount of sleep as I had last year (and last year I was perfectly fine, nothing ever got this bad)

And when I'm around people I could possibly trust I just want to cry but I don't because it's stupid so we laugh and I move on

I don't know I don't know what to do I just wish I wasn't so stupid. I wish I wasn't born this way because I know I'm just a burden and I'm troubling everyone

I rely too much on people who I don't confide in because they have life bad enough already and I'm growing more distant with anyone else in my life. I barely text my friend group anymore I just sit in bed and consume endless amounts of media and try not to lose everything I care about

I don't know. Vent over I can't word it right so I give up

[castrateurfate]

"Woah! My post about Europeans getting comically angry over small things resulted in a European getting angry over a small thing! Who would’ve guessed!"

Who would've guessed saying that its funny when Europeans are irritated would irritate Europeans. Must be something here that coralates being a dick and someone getting pissed off by you being a dicky. My feeble European brain is having the problem of reckoning this situation of events, must be only something the Great and Powerful Americans can comprehend.

"I’m gonna steal my favorite line from Europeans after making jokes about school shootings: it’s just a bit of banter though innit??"

We make those jokes because Americans rarely get the criticism they deserve. The attitudes that Americans have about social issues outside of America is despicable. I have yet to see a sincere amount of Americans actually view other nations as other nations and not stereotypes. There are some Americans who sincerely think there is no black people in the UK or that the only black people live in the UK weren't born there and instead immigrated. They find it hard to believe that black people exist outside of America, the Carribean and Africa. Because the conversation about black identity is so Americanised that it actually inhibits the discussion of racial issues outside of US borders, because those get next to no attention. Even in our schools. Americans joke about nuking countries such as the UK and Brazil but the moment you turn it around on them, they cry and cry about you allegedly threatening to genocide Native Americans and queer people. If you don't believe me, look ay my blog. It's a commen thing. If you're willing to mock other nations for their perceived flaws but consider the act of someone having that same mean-spirited response thrown back at you as evil or unfair, then don't make a scene about it. Because we're fucking tired of you entitled yank cunts and how much you get in the way of things on both a geopolitical and social level. It's annoying. Let us joke and be angry. You have no rhyme or reason to believe that Europeans deserve to be harrassed by Americans, but we have every reason to why Americans deserve nothing but scorn.

"It’s not that serious mate. No need to break out the thesaurus to own the American over a tumblr post."

I'm not breaking out shit. I'm just explaining why the rest of the world fucking hates Americans and why your attitude towards how you think it's okay to be shitty towards working class Europeans. You obviously consider yourself above them if you like to see these interactions take place. It is that serious because we are fucking sick and tired of this yank cunt bullshit. You are the woman in the comic. You are just another entitled yank shit. Like your country raised you to be. Nothing but chauvinism and American essentialism on every last single fucking corner of your development. You might not support America, but you are still stained and have a shit personality and approach to foreigners when it comes down to it.

"Like. Seriously. I already agreed with you at the start of my post..."

All that meant nothing when you justified the harrassment of Europeans. Please learn how to comprehend your own writing. I understand that American school days have very little time to learn things since you have to do the pledge of allegaince and then a shooting drill and then list off all fifty states and then be told about George Washington's wooden teeth and then watch PBS and then go to lunch and then learn that America won the Vietnam War and then go home with your subconcious telling you America is the true neutral super-power of the world, but you must have had learnt it at some point.

"I’m not sure what you people want other than for us to constantly shout “I’M SO SORRY FOR EXISTING IN MY COUNTRY PLEASE GRACE US WITH FORGIVENESS HOLY CITIZENS OF EUROPE.”"

Great, because I'm not asking you to do that. I'm asking you to not be a dick to Europeans and we won't be a dick to you. Americans must learn not be annoying to other nations and since you are being annoying to other nations you get this backlash. If you think the oposite of not being a dick to a foreigner is to get on your hands and knees and apologise then your country has severely fried your brain. I want Americans to stop being entitled chauvinistic myopic pieces of dog shit that are a burden to the world. Like the British Empire before them.

"I’m also not sure how you think I personally contribute to American imperialism by making a lil joke. Y’all are so fucking bitter."

Great! Because that's not what I'm saying. You being an entitled yank cunt isn't what's to blame for American imperialism (I knew you'd get that part wrong) but it IS a symptom of being a world super-power. Same thing happened with British. Now you are the British of this world. It might seem like a little joke, but it's a joke with too much weight to bare. We're fucking bitter because shits like you ruin our lives and your country ruins them too. Americans are entitled, selfish, myopic, chauvinistic and above all else: plain fucking annoying. Your behaviour and mentallities do not fucking disprove that. If you just shut your Americanisms up for one fucking minute then we would not be in this shouting match you daft fucking flag shagger. If you're so against individual Americans being blamed and harrassed over their nation's past and present crimes, then don't fucking hold that against Europeans. You're a cunt.

"#why are europeans convinced they're victims"

Why do Americans expect the world to be given to them on a silver platter and get happy when their inconviences against people of foreign nations are a bit funny? We aren't victims, no. Not in the sense of Afghanistani civillians being butchered for fun. But we are fucking sick and tired of your shit.

"#by like the mildest inconvenience"

It goes from a mild inconvenience to our litteral entire economies tanking because some bankers in your regime made an oopsie. We have a good reason to not like airhead yanks that think theu rule the world.

"#i really don't think these stupid interactions #are 'ruining' anyone's fucking day"

Yes. They ruin people's days. You people are just that ugly to be around and converse with. Especially tourists.

"#im a little proud though it's my first hate post ive gotten addressed to little old me! #it's like a tumblr milestone"

Cool. Yeah. Whatever.

Go fuck yourself.

Too tired to draw but I still need everyone to be aware of this bizarre interaction I had at work this morning

[jimmycartersufo]

on Friday I happened to open Instagram and had a suggested post with a little cat with a grumpy cat face, the caption said he had a bonded brother so I happened to go and check then out. when I saw his brother was a cat that looked like two of my cats who have passed, I immediately called my parents whom I live with and my husband. that day we rushed after work before the shelter closed to meet them but they just got out of surgery so we aren't able to. they were in a free roam room with two other cats. I saw cream puff, the orange, first. he was smaller than I thought. then I saw purrseus, the name the shelter gave him. we had a cam in the Chicago museum of art moment just staring at each other. we went home, saying that it would be OK if they were adopted because it meant a home for them and we would get a cat regardless. I tried to figure out plans to get there and get them that didn't involved both of us calling out. but all night I had dreams of them being adopted a minute after the shelter opened, I cried all night, even in my sleep, and I woke up with a crying hangover. John also dreamt of them, so we got up, called the fuck out with excuses given to me by my mom, and went and got them. we were soooo anxious and nervous. I couldn't eat, had to force myself to eat a Wawa sizzli just so I wouldn't be sick. we were shaking for hours, just two bundles of nerves. we met them, knew it immediately, and started the paperwork. as John was handing in the paper work a couple that was just two folks behind us in line when they opened said they wanted to see those two cats. I was nervous during processing, that somehow we would be denied. I tried to focus on people adopting all morning, a lot of doggies from a recent hoarding case. then John got an email saying we were processed and waiting for the adoption class, where they give you a folder with info and coupons and walk you through stuff before you check out. we paid for two carriers and gave a donation and the woman who helped us there went and got them for us. she said they were the sweetest cats as she put them in their boxes. they didn't make a single peep in the car, they laid right down and went to sleep, even when I told them about the key bridge collapse (you can see it in the distance). we barely slept that night, cream puff is a yeller and I kept waking up to check on them. I was exhausted for work but on cloud nine, nothing could bother me all day. the boys are incredible sweet and cuddly. they have eaten their food well, peed, pooped, and played. we renamed purrseus to gurgi, the creature from the black cauldron, because they are one in the same. he loves to kiss and give tiny nibbles with his tiny little mouth. we have been taking turns sleeping and taking naps to make sure they're okay. cream puff is very skittish and scares easily but he does a little dance when he drinks water and he had the fluffiest tail I've seen on a short hair cat. they are precious and I love them terribly. we have cats already, but they aren't *ours*, they are my families cats. they are still wonderful cats that love us, but they aren't our cats truly. Toby was our first cat together, a cat John basically raised, and he became ours when I moved in. He died April 8th, 2022. there has been a void since. moving in with my parents and having cats again helped, but we wanted cats to call our own. it has been an amazing couple of days. gurgi's first birthday is June 15th. I am so tired but so full of love. I know I'm rambling now but it has been a good time in my life and I have something to get me through the hard shit. can krill myself because I have someone to take care of kinda shit.