#saerin is around

[saerin-li]

↳ ❝ welcome to sae's memoir ¡! ❞

•°. *࿐ greetings to my blog, hope you enjoy taking a look around. don't be afraid to send in asks to ask questions of any kind! i don't really use tumblr so unsure if i'll end up posting or just spend time reading, it's whatever !

•°. *࿐some information...

i go by saerin, or sae, or rin... it doesn't bother me! i use she / her pronouns, currently sixteen (minor, please be mindful) and a maybaby. i've been reading fanfiction for a longtime even if not on tumblr, and writing a little when i have time over the years. (first started reading in 2017, writing since 2018 (on wattpad haha) even if I'm not really good!) i'm usually reading about jjba & rotmnt, but i do dabble in other fandoms! (sometimes wayhaven, bnha (i've never seen it, i just love the characters), the way of the househusband, and sometimes youtubers (not really...)) i also speak french!

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thank you for stopping by 🍵💐

[saeist]

a/n: alternate universe where touya didn't go insane and goes to UA :] dedicated to the loml @saerins cus we're on our touya brainrot + went a little insane with this instead...

"jesus doll, excited now are we?" touya muses, a smirk on his lips as he lets you push him inside your small and cramped bathroom.

rolling your eyes, you motioned him to sit down on the toilet lid while you prepare the shower. making sure the water is just the right temperature or else you might burn touya's head off when you rinse the hairdye off his hair

"is this the part where you remove your shirt and i suck on a titty?" touya says more of a statement rather than a cheeky question. you stop yourself from hitting the boy that has his signature lopsided smirk with the shower head you were currently holding

with an exasperated sigh and a pinch to your nose bridge, you answer him

"just shut up for once, touya. besides, won't your dad kill you if he found out you're dying your hair black? or did you forget that he almost kicked you out of the house when he saw your piercings for the first time?" you raised an eyebrow at your boyfriend who decided at the last minute to dye his hair as a sign of "rebellion against his "uptight, stick far up his ass dad" his words, not yours

"he can manage" touya huffs, scoffing at the memory of his dad yelling at him for acting and starting to look like a good for nothing delinquent or in endeavour's words, a villain. "it's not like it's my duty to keep our image of a "perfect family". if only the rest of the world knew what its like to have endeavor as your deadbeat dad!"

touya and endeavour never really got a long per say.. at least that's what touya tells you whenever he had a shit day training with endeavor. days where he would train with his dad were usually days where he'd opt to spend the night at your dorm. away from all the chaos inside the todoroki estate that he unfortunately refers to as his home

but to touya, at the end of the day, you are his home. his peace, his serenity, his anchor in this world where hell could break loose at any given moment

"don't give me that look, doll" touya sighs, shoulders dropping when he noticed you were staring at him.

"i just don't want to see you hurt all over again. you almost gave me a heart attack that one time when you showed up here unannounced" you pout, letting touya slowly wrap his arms around your waist.

touya’s arms tighten around your waist, pulling you closer. “i can handle the old man. it’s his problem if he can’t accept me for who i am,” he mutters, resting his forehead against your stomach

"i mean, he already stopped giving a shit when he realized i can't withstand my flames, so who am i to give a shit back after everything he did to me?" touya continues, his grip tightening

you run your fingers through his hair gently, feeling the warmth of his presence. “shhh, we already talked about this" you shush him, "all i'm saying is that i just want you to be safe, touya. i can’t stand seeing you hurt,” you whisper, your voice tinged with worry.

he looks up at you, his usual smirk replaced with a rare, sincere expression. “i know, doll. i know." touya presses light kisses on your stomach, "but I have to be true to myself, even if it means pissing off endeavor” he chuckles, the pads of his thumb rubbing circles on your exposed skin

you both stay in that position in silence for a bit. just finding comfort with each other's presence. just the way touya likes it. nice and quiet. a contrast to his daily hellish life back at his own home

that is until touya starts to feel his scalp burn a little

"okay fun time's over, doll. my scalp's startin' to kill me here" touya shudders, slowly unwrapping his arms around you as he reaches for the shower head in your hand.

you stifle in your laughter watching him make a fuss inside your cramped bathroom.

that is until, you remembered that your bathroom tiles were pearly white and if he's rinsing off black hairdye then–

"TOUYA MY TILES!" you let out a screech

"too late, doll" touya pokes his tongue out at you, hair dye getting all over your walls and cold tiles.

you were gonna pay one hefty fine if you don't clean this shit up as soon as possible.

now, touya sits on your bed. drying his freshly dyed jet black hair with a towel and you're not even gonna lie to yourself. he looked a little too good for your liking. touya has always been a looker himself but with this new hairdo.. oh lord

"why are you looking at me like you want to eat me?" touya chuckles, hanging the now stained towel around his neck as he leans back on your bed with his elbows propped. he was giving you bedroom eyes, quite literally and figuratively.

what a tease!

"nothing. just making sure that i'm still talking to touya and not his emo alter ego dabi" you mused, plopping down on your bed next to him.

touya laughs at your comment. eyes turning into crescent moons

“thanks for everything, y/n,” touya says softly, voice full of genuine love and appreciation.

your heart swells at the sight of touya like this. you would move mountains if you could just to see touya– your touya happy.

"i love you, touya" you lean in for a kiss. to which touya happily returns the favor.

"i love you more than life, doll." touya smiles lazily against the kiss, cranking his neck to the side for more access as he deepens the kiss.

moments like these with you is when touya feels like he's on top of the world and he hopes it will forever stay like this cause to touya, he can face anything the world throws at him when he knows you'll be there right by his side

[garoujo]

✩ ˛˚ . ITOSHI SAE + ITOSHI RIN ; — your favourite time of year is when you finally get to see your brothers again.

warnings: f!reader, stepcest, threesome, hints at dp, all characters written 22+, rin is needy + possessive + sae only eggs him on, use of nii, minor choking. note: i’m back with more big bro saerin agenda <;3

it felt nice, when the same time of year rolls around where your step brothers sae and rin are able to put some time aside to spend time with family — coming together from their teams so you can finally see them in the flesh rather than on tv for once.

this year, the gathering is held at your parents house — a place that holds so many memories of when all three of you were inseparable. but all of you seem to fall back into place easier than you’d expect, there’s an unspoken sort of tension and you don’t know it it comes from your brothers own deep rooted competition with each other or something else.

but one thing you’re certain of is how tired you feel as you let yourself finally trudge down the hall, too exhausted to even flick on the bedroom light before you’re letting your fatigued figure bounce onto the mattress. it’s nearly pitch black and you can barely be bothered to put on pyjamas, opting only to kick off your pants as you roll deeper into the press of your comforter with a sigh.

“what’re you doing?” the low, ragged tone of voice is sharp when it sounds from beside you and you almost fall back off of the bed completely with the way it makes you jump. normally you’d question why your brother rin has currently opted to stay in your old bed instead of his own, but you’re too preoccupied with the way his arms seemed to have wrapped around your waist to stop your fall — pulling you against his chest as he tsks. “what the hell, you’re gonna fall.”

his breathing feels cool as it fans along your warm skin, too warm when your legs seem to instinctively hook around his own as you draw closer. he’s filled out since you last seen him, he’s grown in muscle and in height — more handsome than he used to be too as his dark hair falls over his sharp gaze, but your brother is just as pretty as he’s always been.

“rin-nii! you scared me!” your voice drawls, a whiney little sound that makes him grumble despite the way his arms curl around you to pull you closer. he’d always been protective of you, more openly so that sae was — maybe it was a younger brother thing but he was always eager to have you against him, like an animal guarding its prey.

“pay more attention then.” rin grunts, blunt and as straight laced as ever but his words are accompanied with his hands smoothing under the hem of your shirt, making you shudder when you feel his palms press against your bare skin and you swear you hear him swallow loudly at the contact.

“what’s wrong with your room anyway?” your quieter now, whispering in the space where you both take a laboured breath and you feel closer now, being able to feel the knock of his nose against yours as your head rests opposite his. his fingers squeeze and he leans in closer until his bare chest is pressed against yours, lips grazing your own before the contact leaves as the bedroom door opens once more.

“huh? we used to do this all the time, remember?” your older brother sae drawls from the doorway before it closes behind him, swallowing the small peak of light in the hallway as the lock clicks into place. it was true, you were used to sleepovers with your brothers when you were younger, being pressed between the two of them felt more like home than your empty apartment now ever has.

but it feels different now because you can feel rin’s fingers twitch tighter into your skin with every careful step closer your older brother takes, pulling you flush against his chest as he hugs you into him — protective, staking a claim.

“sae-nii?” you hum as look back over your shoulder, feeling the mattress dip under his weight as he pushes himself in beside you — he’s so close immediately, sandwiching you against his brothers chest but still so quick to pull your ass back until it’s flush against his hips. it’s like a challenge, taking back his half of you that rin was so greedy to keep and it only seems to spur on your younger brother as he grits his teeth.

“if you’re going to interrupt, get out.” it’s sharp despite the way his voice is still quiet enough for the rest of the house not to hear. rin’s hands squeeze at your hips and you find yourself pushing closer in the hopes it’ll make him relax — letting your hands smooth down the trained muscle of his abdomen until he’s melting into you.

it had always been like this, sae had always protected you like a big brother would — babying and spoiling you which only urged your younger brother to catch up, to prove he was better — he could make you feel even better. it was a petty competition that sae had never really accepted, one you were caught in between but you couldn’t lie that you liked the attention.

“how lukewarm, have you even been paying attention to what she likes?” although he’d never accepted the challenge, he still encouraged it as he let his hands graze their way around your hips — pushing past his brothers in favour of being able to swipe along the waist band of your panties before pushing underneath.

it was true, sae knew exactly what you liked — from your favourite snacks to the press of your pussy, softly swiping his fingers along your folds as he explores the shy layer of slick already gathered between them, exhaling when the movement only seems to pull you deeper into him and away from rin. “you’re already this wet from being between your brothers, sweetheart? seems nothings changed.”

“shutup. i’ll kill you.” it’s greedy, the way your younger brother is pulling you back— desperate for the attention hes lost as he watches your head drop back against sae’s shoulder, panting as a breathless mantra of his name drips from your lips. it should be fucking his.

so it’s quick the way rin’s kicking off his sweats and pulling at your hips, hooking a thigh around his own so he can feel the sinful press of your cunt against him instead. “rin-nii! you’re being rough.” he knows he is but you feel like fucking silk against him as he grinds himself into you, he can still feel the touch of sae’s fingers against your cunt — toying and rubbing at the sensitive bud but he’ll reclaim what’s his.

the first silky grind of his cock splits through your folds before it’s catching on your clit, making you both gasp and moan at the wet tacky sound that follows before sae is opting to preoccupy himself with your breasts instead as he toys with the sensitive nipples over the fabric of your shirt.

you feel rin’s palm press hard against your throat when your legs curl around his waist, pulling him close as he pushes you so deep against his brother that your back arches with want. “i’ll make you scream my fucking name.” it’s filthy, the carnal drop in his tone before he’s kissing you — licking into your mouth messily as he pushes his name between your lips.

but the sweet sounds that fall from you only seem to make sae harder as he grinds you into his brother’s touch, mouthing at the sensitive spots in his throat before he’s rolling the skin between his teeth — accompanying the sensitive press with a pinch of your nipples between his fingers.

“need you, please.” they both take those words for themselves as you roll yourself between your brothers bodies but the way your nodding, so desperate for more is instinctive. it’s driven by the way your desperately rubbing your slick along rin’s throbbing cock but still managing to grind back into sae — greedily trying to force them closer through each growled ramble from their lips before the youngest finally parts your folds and sinks into your twitching cunt.

“you’ve always had a disgusting habit of not sharing.” sae grits from where his lips press against the shell of your ear, words opted for his younger brother with how he’s hogging all of his little sisters attention. but you’re barely prepped and so fucking tight rin thinks he might pass out now that’s finally wrapped in you, his large palms dragging your hips down onto his cock as your body shakes — lips parting to moan and drool against yours as your fingers twist in his dark hair.

you already feel dizzy but it’s only emphasised by the sudden press of your big brothers cock against the swell of your ass before he’s spreading you wider, letting the tip tease the puckered hole as he grinds up against you from behind. he couldn’t let you both have all the fun after all, it’s been months since he’s felt the tight squeeze of your walls around him and it’s his job to take care of his younger siblings anyway, right?

“have you missed us this much? do we need to remind you how good it feels to cum around your brothers cocks?”

© 2023 GAROUJO. please do not copy any of my layouts or writing and translate or repost onto any other sites.

[jungwave]

close to me. xo, psh

collegestudent!sunghoon x fem+oc!eunhyeju

"and if it wasn't you, I wouldn't want anybody... ...close to me"

synopsis: eun hyeju loved park sunghoon and park sunghoon loved eun hyeju, though neither party would ever tell the other. so, what happens when a newcomer also falls for park sunghoon?

word count: 1.9k

warnings: college au. language. slightly suggestive. eun hyeju is an extrovert.

fictional characters: min saena (hyeju's "best friend"), yang saerin (heeseung's girlfriend), hanabishi haruna (jay's girlfriend), shin ryuna (riki's girlfriend)

…

"shut the fuck up, saena!"

"i'm sorry, i'm sorry! it's just you know how much i like sunghoon, there's no way i could ever show my face to him again if i show up looking like a mess!"

"saena, hyeju's right. were just going over to heeseung and saerin's to hangout. were all going in our pajamas, if you go all dressed-up he's gonna think you're weird." sunoo huffed out, also annoyed by saena's complaining.

"that's easy for you to say, hyeju. you and sunghoon are like two peas in a pod, i'm surprised you haven't gotten with him yet."

"you just want to hop on his-" hyeju tried to interject, but sunoo wasn't there for the back and forth.

"what saena means is she's jealous of you and sunghoon's bond, because she obviously stands no chance with him as he rejects every and any advance she makes! right, saena?"

"whatever, yang."

saena walks towards her closet once again while hyeju rolls her eyes and walks out of the room with sunoo.

"dude, i know she's my 'best friend' and all, but i seriously cannot stand her sometimes!" frustratedly, hyeju yells out, "leaving in ten, whoever's not in the car isn't going!" saena screamed like she'd just found out what kälteen bars really do to a person's figure.

"coming, coming! don't leave!" ryuna yelled from her room.

hyeju, saena, and ryuna all shared a three-bedroom, two-and-a-half-bathroom apartment. of course, saena had begged them for the main bedroom, ultimately scoring her own private bathroom. resulting in ryuna and hyeju sharing the last available bathroom containing a shower. everybody was confused on why saena has gotten the main bedroom. she sort-of overtook ryuna and hyeju's plans of getting an apartment after she moved out of the college dorms and sunghoon refused to house her.

hyeju, sunoo, jungwon, and ryuna were all waiting in the car as they saw saena run down the complex's stairs with her hair curled, clad in her tightest pair of green plaid pajama shirts and a low-cut white tank top. she was matching with jungwon, who was wearing the same scheme, but full-length pajama pants and a plain white tee (like everyone else... as it was planned). it was a group theme, everyone had a partner with the same color scheme as them. hyeju was paired up with jake, it really brought up saena's mood after finding out she hadn't picked sunghoon's name out of the hat to be her partner. sunoo and sunghoon being the only two names left were assigned as partners.

"seriously, sunoo, i wish i had your luck." sighed saena.

"i don't know if i would consider it luck..." sunoo said, almost giggling by the end. hyeju gave him a confused look, but all he did was wink and look away from her.

"come in, come in!" saerin cheerfully greeted the five. "ryuna, riki's on the couch eating all our snacks."

"of course he is." ryuna said, walking to the guy playing, "chubby bunny," along with jake. jake who was wearing pink pajama pants. weird, sunoo and sunghoon were supposed to be wearing the pink pajamas.

"so... where's heeseung and sunghoon?" asked saena.

"be real, you couldn't give two shits where heeseung is. sunghoon is in his room." saerin said playfully, messing around with saena.

"i'll be in sunghoon's room then!" saena said, smiling gleefully.

"where is he really?" asked hyeju.

"waiting in his car, heeseung forgot the beer and sunghoon volunteered to get it instead." saerin admitted.

hyeju exited the apartment to join sunghoon on his way to get the liquor.

knocking on the driver's window, hyeju squealed "hey, hoonie!" he squinted and pretended to barf in his mouth, eliciting a giggle from hyeju that made him smile.

"just get in, loser."

as she was about to open the passenger seat door, she heard it.

"hi, hoonie!" squealed saena. sunghoon rolled his eyes as hyeju mouthed, "sorry."

"i can't believe you almost left without me, what the hell is wrong with you hyeju?" saena said, seriously jokingly. sunghoon wasn't having any of it.

"can't you see it was supposed to just be me and h-"

"don't be silly, saena! i was just saying hi to hoon, you guys go and get the drinks. just make sure to think of me when picking!"

sunghoon gave hyeju the death stare while saena made herself comfortable in the passenger seat.

"have fun! the rest of us will be waiting..." sunghoon didn't miss the subtle wink hyeju gave him.

"on second thought, saena, i think we have enough alcohol here for the night. let's catch up with hyeju and just join them."

"what do you mean, hoonie? the more alcohol, the better!"

"yeah, maybe if you're looking to wake up in someone's bed... trust me, it won't be heeseung's and it definitely will not be mine." saena almost burst into tears right at that moment. sunghoon got out of the car to catch up with hyeju, while saena sat still in the car, feeling stupid as ever.

"what's with the pants?" hyeju had noticed they were both wearing blue pajama pants while he was in the car, but she hadn't said anything until now.

he shrugged.

"i wanted to match with my favorite person here."

"funny guy."

hyeju and sunghoon returned to the apartment, saena coming in shortly after.

"no beer? as expected, he never could get laid until senior year."

"once a pussy always a pussy!"

jake and heeseung laughed at their own jokes as sunghoon went to grab a beer from the fridge.

"haha. where's jay and haru?"

"location says parking lot, guessing they're in the steamy car we passed by on our way in." jungwon replied.

sunghoon just shook his head and went to sit down on the couch, saena following him.

"hyeju, could you help me put all these snacks on the table? I wanna make it look like we've been waiting for jay and haru for a while so they feel bad."

with a smile and slight shake of the head, hyeju complied and went to help saerin set up.

the door opened wide to show haru and jay, fashionably late and frankly, a bit sweaty.

"look who showed up, our favorite horndogs!" jake yelled out.

"alright, jake. your lucky we even got out the car, we almost went for another round." smirking, jay placed his hand on the crease of haru's waist and guided her to the couch.

hyeju smiled at the small display of affection.

"okay, guys just let me use the restroom real quick and we can start."

as hyeju walked towards the living room drying her hands in the air, she heard people already arguing.

"we always start with 'superbad,' can we please start this shit with '21 jump street,' this one time?" hyeju laughed at jake's whiney voice as he started to beg.

"come on, hoon! jake's right. we always start with 'superbad.' just this one time!" heeseung said, joining in on the plead for sunghoon's mercy.

"absolutely not and that's final-"

"i love '21 jump street!'" hyeju said, interrupting sunghoon

"let's watch it, then."

"nice to know where we stand in your heart." jake said, faking heartbreak.

"aw, jakey!" hyeju jumped on top of him on the recliner, opting to be the big spoon to jake's little spoon as the only other option was in between sunghoon and saena. an action only seen as friendly by hyeju and jake, but not exactly to sunghoon.

"jake, didn't you say your legs have been cramping lately?"

"when did i-" jake immediately stopped himself when he saw that look on sunghoon's perfect face. "oh yeah, i remember now. thanks for reminding me, dude. can we switch spots?"

"of course, man. you get what you want, i get what i want."

saena scoffed as she watched sunghoon get comfortable behind hyeju. jake tried putting his arm around her, but he immediately met her glaring face, causing him to turn to jungwon to ask if he could share the blanket.

by the end of the movie, everyone had fallen asleep except for sunghoon, ryuna, jungwon, sunoo, and saena.

"come on, riki. it's late." ryuna said, trying to convince her boyfriend to actually wake up.

"neither of us have school or work tomorrow, let's just stay here for the night." he said, trying to convince her.

"let's go biggie, or i'll let your mom know how her son has been drinking or getting high practically every night since his first day of freshman year."

"and i'm up! let's go."

riki, ryuna, jungwon, and sunoo all began their descent towards the car.

"i have a class early tomorrow morning, i should get going now. c'mon, hyeju. let's go." saena tried waking hyeju up.

"she doesn't have any classes tomorrow, she can just stay the night." sunghoon said quietly, but sternly.

“it doesn’t look like there’s much room in here…”

“in here, no. but my bed, yes.”

"are you being fucking serious right now, hoonie?"

"i don't know what you mean, or who you think you're calling hoonie." sunghoon said.

"whatever, you can fuck that slut any time of the week. when you want someone with even a slice of dignity, or frankly someone without a loose hole, you can come find me."

"get the fuck out of my apartment, and don't you dare ever think of coming again. hyeju is the most perfect girl i know, i couldn't think of anyone else i would rather hold or listen to. i love her with all my heart, and there is no world or alternate universe where i would pick you over hyeju. the only reason you're even here is because she convinced us you would be a good addition. you know what, i am seeing a flaw in her. she can't see past your sad attempt at being a regular fucking human-being and just feels guilty you have no other friends." sunghoon practically yelled at her, forgetting about the several people passed out behind him.

with tears spilling rapidly out of her eyes, she stomped out of the apartment. sunghoon shook his head and closed the front door.

when he turned around, he was met with a very, very awake audience and a teary-eyed hyeju.

"i love you so much, hoonie." she ran to hug him and began to cry into his shoulder.

after the initial shock, sunghoon grabbed her waist and hoisted her into his arms.

with a thumbs up, saerin and heeseung quietly walked to their bedroom, while jay and haru were too busy making out on their way to the guest bedroom to congratulate sunghoon (even though they really wanted to). jake, being jake, fell back asleep on the couch while gaeul crawled into his arms. obliviously, jake muttered a soft, "goodnight, layla..." as he fell asleep holding the miniature poodle.

"so, does this mean i can finally see the monster cock all the boys keep talking about?"

"stop wording it like that! i forgot to lock the door to the bathroom once, just once!"

"whatever, hoonie! give momma some sugar!"

"you're disgusting."

"you love me."

"i love you."

…

-jungwave

author's notes: this is not proofread and most likely the only thing i'll ever write lol. this was out of pure boredom and a tad bit of personal experience (obviously exaggerated). thanks if u read this far :)

[onaperduamedee]

Notes on Towers of Midnight

Starting with the penultimate book, the one with Egwene as full Amyrlin, with Rand post-Dragonmount, with Mat's katabasis to rescue Moiraine! I am vibrating with excitement!

"Mandarb’s hooves beat a familiar rhythm on broken ground as Lan Mandragoran rode toward his death." - happy to see that 20 years have taught lots to emo prince Alan.

Of course, Nynaeve's work paid off and now he's picking up Borderlanders.

Lan, you dunce, refusing to take Bulen because Nynaeve had tricked him is petty. Just accept the help without having him beg.

How nice of the book to remember Perrin actually had a rather neat arc about wolves before whatever leadership arc happened.

Glad we are properly addressing the Aram issue and Perrin's guilt.

"And yet you use them the same way." - and the penny drops. Even if this is war, violence is always worth questioning, especially after the last book and the new weapons emerging.

So the True Power is essentially the Dark Lord's Power?

Aran'gar, too busy making out with Delana to notice the impending disaster, is the true bisexual representation.

So the ravens and rats are used as spies through a weave that allows whoever compelled them to see through their eyes?

Graendal is by far the most clever of the Forsaken for putting together Rand's stratagem and an escape so fast. At least, Rand did get Aran'gar, but at the cost of Delana and everyone in that palace. 

Rand now thinks Graendal won't be a problem...

Hats off to Galad for stopping Asunawa's Children using their own rhetoric.

Galad/Egwene parallels now... That's especially interesting as it positions the Children as a mirror to the AS.

I didn't find that prologue particularly exciting tbh.

Not a good sign that the farmer that almost made me abandon TEotW is back.

Rand is sprouting flowers in his wake? That's cute. He seems much assured now, at peace. Which I am not completely sure about. He seems like a whole new character.

So we won't know why Annoura was meeting Masema because Jordan didn't write it down and Sanderson didn't know.

Well, Galad's power arc was over fast. No sooner had it started that the Children already rebelled and freed him. It's a bit disappointing.

Awwww Siuan likes Saerin now that she is freer to form bonds with all sisters. Her arc means so much to me.

Siuan hoped Egwene would name her Keeper and regrets the little time Egwene has now for her. My heart. Their relationship is everything.

It is so nice to see Siuan eager to continue what she started with Moiraine freed from the entanglement of power. I love that she still feels a pang of regret because the Dragon in the Tower should have been the culmination of 20 years of her work.

As much as I love seeing Siuan reflect on what she could not do as Amyrlin, I still think Sanderson is bungling her characterization with this quippiness and gruffness; Jordan wrote her as someone who suffered no fools, always one step ahead, but it translated into action rather than conceits.

Rand's acknowledgment of Siuan's help feels so satisfying. Yes, Egwene and the Tower united owe much to Siuan, as much before her fall as after. I hope the sisters will recognize her work more. She was a pivotal player.

Siuan showing such pride in Egwene... My heart.

"She must never forget that there was an entire world outside the White Tower’s walls. The purpose of Aes Sedai was to serve that world." - I am extremely curious as to how she will achieve that because the Tower is still wounded and people remain extremely distrusting of Aes Sedai.

"I’ve been struggling to avoid Aes Sedai strings of control. And yet, I allowed other strings – more dangerous strings – to wrap around me unseen." - Yep, I am at least satisfied by this acknowledgment even if I don't grasp what Sanderson is doing with Rand's characterization.

So Egwene is also immune to ta'veren pull?

I'm tentatively hopeful about the Egwene/Rand opposition. I've been saying for books that Rand should be as careful with the AS as he was with the Seanchan and now we're going to see why he should have played a long game with them. It will hurt.

“The same empty words over and over, Hopper sent.” - I am with Hopper. When will Perrin stop wallowing?

Perrin finally accepts that maybe he needs to learn how to work with his wolf self, Galad encounters Basel Gill's Caravan, and piecing together it's Perrin's army, Gawyn investigates what's obviously Mesaana's victims... It's too much dithering.

"Aes Sedai, for all of their cunning, sometimes seemed to have remarkably underdeveloped senses of self-preservation." - I continue to be extremely surprised by how prevalent a belief it is in this world, not only for AS but in general, that people should all be capable of killing and defending themselves.

Gawyn is a fool for believing that Egwene, the Amyrlin, owes him any explanation. The audacity of this man.

"Light, a Forsaken in the Tower seemed more plausible than Egwene being the Amyrlin Seat! " - Egwene, ditch him, please. Also, his argument for ordering Aes Sedai to take warders... He has the emotional intelligence of an oyster.

Perrin is infuriating. Thirteen books in, and he's still doing the whole “I don't want to be in charge thing”. Even Mat accepted he had responsibilities toward his people. 

I don't trust Bawler for peanuts.

How refreshing to be in Morgase's POV.

The Aes Sedai suggested they link with the Asha'man to give them strength. That's a really sensible idea that would save us a great deal of time.

WO: we're not like Aes Sedai

WO the next sentence: act exactly like AS

"For a man who claims he doesn’t like being in charge, you certainly do like giving commands." - Thank the Light Morgase called out Perrin for marrying her off with Tallanvor like that. Her agency has been constantly trampled for months.

Interestingly, both Gawyn and Perrin seem to resort to pairing off women to tie them up to men using excuses that sound an awful lot like preventing waste. I don't like that at all. Women are not loose ends.

Okay, but Lan is a bit ridiculous with his insistence no one should follow him. They will follow him whether he wants it or not. It's their nation too. They have a right to fight for it.

A Mat chapter! This will-they-won't-they-fight between Perrin and Galad was tedious.

"Of course, Mat did not look at women anymore, not like that. He did not think about her for him to kiss. Maybe for Talmanes" - Mat, you're bi. You don’t have to pretend.

"Light, he hoped that she had not left instructions for him to help someone in trouble."- That's hilarious. He is incapable of not helping people in need.

Mat is planning to deal with the gholam for real. That's good. It's time to conclude the various plots and this went on for long enough.

The description of Thom performing is exactly what we got on-screen. I am in awe of the writers' holistic approach to adaptation.

"We can’t leave her with them. Those snakes and foxes" - light, this makes me so anxious about the state they will find her in. Moiraine, please be okay. Mat was messed up after a visit with them and Moiraine has been held for months.

"but for an Aes Sedai, I kind of like Verin. And I’m a good judge of character, you know that." - awwwwwwch, too soon. I am emotional again. Mat is also taking his promise seriously.

Psst, if you need someone to open a gateway to the Tower, what about Siuan? She could help, even if she isn't strong enough anymore. Link with Leane?

The Mat and Teslyn scene was so wholesome, and her immediately helping him fight the gholam felt so satisfying. Wouldn't it be thematically relevant if he did free all the damane from the Seanchan? He may hate Aes Sedai, but he certainly earned their respect and trust.

"'I need to write a letter to Her Royal bloody Majesty Queen Elayne the prim.’

Joline sniffed. ‘Are you going to swear at her too?’

‘Of course I am,’ Mat muttered, turning to go back to Thom’s tent. 'How else is she going to trust that it’s really from me?'" - I laughed. I seriously love him.

Mat is such a dynamic character. He is dealing with Verin's instructions, with the gholam on his trail, with Moiraine's rescue, all at once. He interacts with many different people from different groups in a way that feels completely natural.

I don't understand: is Tam with Perrin now? He witnessed his son clearly breaking down, ready to kill him, then Rand disappeared and we're supposed to believe that Tam went back to Perrin in the meantime? Or were Perrin chapters before Dragonmount?

Lovely to see the Asha'man experiencing the joy of saidar through linking and having hope for a future now that saidin is clean. But I am now afraid Grady is a goner. That conversation feels ominous.

I honestly don't care for the Perrin and Galad plotline. I don't even think Perrin's Whitecloak arc needed resolution.

The writing for Elayne's pregnancy remains atrociously caricatural. I have no words.

I still feel so sorry for Cairhien. Elayne has 0 ties to Cairhien apart from a father who died young. Saying she is a legitimate choice for the throne is technically correct but so unfair to the Cairhienin. No self-determination allowed here, she's just another foreign leader seizing a land ravaged by famine and war.

Elayne thinking Mat and the Band are just mercenaries and forcing them to camp outside is excellent.

Mat's letter and Elayne's reaction were so cute! I am looking forward to their reunion. They need the support.

I like Sanderson's writing for Elayne better? I prefer the way he shows just how unconventional a ruler she is, and the increased snarkiness serves her character rather than breaking it like Siuan. The closer he writes her to Mat, the better her character works for me.

I far prefer Nynaeve's caution regarding Rand to Min's confidence.

Alanna vanished without a trace? Could she have been taken by a Forsaken?

Okay, it is ironic that Cads suspect Nyn of being BA even for a second. I doubt we will have much more big DF reveals after last book.

"Facing the end of the world with the Dragon Reborn completely out of control was one of them." - you don’t say, Cads.

"'As persuasive as you can be, Nynaeve,’ Cadsuane said dryly, ‘the Shadow has means to make people more forthcoming.’" - I would still bet on Nyn.

Yeah, I was suspecting it last book but the way Veins of gold unfolds is all the more frustrating now that this new Rand undoes every single obstacle created previously for Rand to surmount. It's an extremely convenient resolution.

"‘I thought I was being forged into a sword,’ Rand said, eyes growing distant. ‘But I was wrong. I’m not a weapon. I never have been.’" - excellent. I love the way this calls back to Moiraine's words about people being tools in TEotW.

"‘I am not only one of those fools, my friend, but I am their leader. Queen of the fools, you might say.’" - Egwene, I love you, with all my heart.

Her mastery of tel'aran'rhiod remains one of the elements I await the most eagerly.

I like the idea that Accepted should learn with the Wise Ones but I continue to find heinous the belief that WO training is better because it is even more brutal.

At least, Egwene sees that the WO would benefit from working with AS as well.

"'Do I really have you, Nynaeve?’ » - ooof the conversation between Nyn and Egwene is probably my favorite moment of the book so far. Their friendship never recovered from Nyn trying to assert authority over Egg after her captivity with the Seanchan and Egg threatening and hurting Nyn in reaction. This is proof of how frail that relationship still is. It doesn't mean they don't love each other, but what was lost can never be recovered, because their life followed different paths and some wounds, even unwittingly given, healed in a way that closed off an entire range of intimacy between them. It's a very real, adult, and raw sentiment and I love that Sanderson struck that balance of affection that's uneasy without being resentful. Egwene does need Nynaeve, and Nynaeve will always try to heal things. But this is as best as it can get.

Elayne's pregnancy is whatever in itself, but the way it's written so that Elayne becomes a liability who can't properly channel and a caricature of a pregnant woman is just so sexist, I am fuming. How the hell was this published recently?

Hurrah for the Wonder Girls meeting again though. 

(Don't worry Nyn, you'll get the Malkier throne) 

And I am super excited if Alviarin becomes Egwene's foil. She's one of my favorite antagonists.

The Asha'man's madness not going away after the cleansing of saidin is fitting, somehow.

The bubble of evil turning people into husks crumbling to dust reminds me of La Nuit des Temps. I love that body horror and I hope they keep this on-screen.

"Anything should be Healable, she told herself. Anything but death itself." - oh, Nynaeve... The fact she's probably not going to end up as a researcher in a brand-new medical institute is A Tragedy.

She cured the Madness!!! Hell yeah Nyn. I would have loved to see her work at it more beforehand, but I feel so relieved for the Asha'man. NYNAEVE.

No chance the AS are ever going to turn Nyn into anything she doesn't want to be. She's like Cadsuane in that regard. Rand doesn't have to worry. That's her thing; from the start, she's the one who changed the least and stayed true to herself.

"To be Aes Sedai is to be what you decide it is,’ Rand said, his stump still held behind his back. ‘Moiraine cared. You could see it in her, even when she was calm. The best Aes Sedai I’ve known are the ones who others complain aren’t what an Aes Sedai should be.’" - I agree with Rand, but he hasn't been in contact with enough Aes Sedai to make that judgment? I mean, that's the heart of his opposition to Eggy; they don't know each other. Also, it would have been nice to say that to Moiraine's face.

It's interesting because Nyn is also an unfitting mentor in the sense that she is very much a carer rather than a guide. Rand acts more like a guide to her than she does. She is too close to him to teach him, so what is left is essentially a position of minder.

It's a good twist and I'll be curious to see if the narrative doubles down on it or subverts it. Still, it creates this lovely intimacy between Rand and Nyn that makes Rand's trust in Nyn to defeat the DO all the more genuine and tender.

I had a suspicion the madness was closer to cancer than mental illness. It cannot always be healed. In Rand's case, it has spread too much.

I have reservations about Sanderson overexplaining the madness to the point of contradiction though.

"The Shadow’s Amyrlin.’" - that made me laugh. It's a cheesy line, but then the Forsaken are very Grand Guignol so it fits.

Glad to see Egwene is still working with the BA hunters and now they're preparing to sniff out Mesaana, hell yeah. I love that spy stuff.

Siuan is completely MIA though. I am distraught. If we don't get a scene where Egwene and Siuan make up, I am going to add this to the list of missing scenes I don't have time to write.

How much of Faile regretting her behavior is character development and how much is it Sanderson not vibing with her prior characterization? As much as I understand captivity would change her, it doesn't explain how she forsook a culture that required of her this jealousy. I'm not saying it's impossible, but that's why it would have been better to focus more on Faile's side of the story during the Shaido captivity. It's that character connective tissue that Jordan was skilled at and that was denied Faile strangely.

Faile and Perrin communicating? Sharing trauma? Faile compromising? Perrin accepting he's been running away from his issues? Is this a dream? More seriously, they grew a lot, even if it seems a bit sudden. The change isn't unwelcome.

Everyone is leaving Mat, including my man Juilin. Ironically, they feel safe in the Tower, but given that from Perrin to Rand the heroes are strangely tolerant of the Seanchan, I get it. 

So Mat does intend to convince Tuon to free the damane? Right? Right?!?

The gift to Joline was cute. He does care about them. It's awkward and his inner thoughts remain childishly sexist, but he did improve.

I wish Mat wasn't making so many fat jokes at Vanin's expense. I don't see the point. We already know he's callous and kind of a jerk.

Still not a fan of Mat's lack of empathy for women though: Thera is not a mouse, but someone who's been enslaved and traumatized. And Sul'dam are not like Rand: he never enslaved people and tortured them into obedience. I get the point he's making but the parallels only reinforce the fact he feels more empathy for the slave masters than their victims, which has been a recurring theme with the Seanchan.

Yes, I love Mat. Yes, I think this writing choice is callous.

Seanchan slavery is 100% slavery: the fact it is part of their culture doesn't make it less so. In Mat's culture, it should be abject and he's just uncomfortable with it? Does it reflect the North/South attitude toward slavery before its abolition in the US?

I talked too fast about the gift. He now goes back to pranks? That was something he did in book 1, ages ago. Why?

I am not sure about the way Sanderson writes Mat.

"And what about the people around you? Give you no thought to the danger you could cause them?’" - Birgitte is right to point out the flaws in Elayne's reasoning. I despise such dismissiveness of the people in danger for Elayne: it isn't kind or smart.

It's bugging me and bordering OOC for her: there's a difference between being protected by people willing to die for her and taking fool risks. The BA fiasco happened because there were risks that Elayne dismissed ON ACCOUNT of her invincibility.

Am I supposed to cheer for Elayne as she manipulates the Kin into accruing more power and tries to monetize channeling? Like Faile and feudalism, this is not a political improvement at all. What is going on with her?

"And they liked to pretend the entire world could be polished up and cleaned the same way, people defined and explained in one or two words." - they're white conservative Christians, what do you expect?

Strange purple walls in the wolf dream now?

At least Perrin is taking lessons from Hopper. It's been books since I've cared about him and it's genuinely disheartening. 

I don't care for battles unless they're written in a very specific literary way, but Ituralde being rained on by Draghkars is kind of a horrifically grotesque image that I appreciate.

So the Blight is overflowing with Trollocs and Ituralde is the only thing keeping them out? Tarmon Gai’don needs to come now!

"Berelain pursed perfect lips. Light, but the woman was beautiful!" - just kiss her and be done with it

"Faile could only guess how much juggling, political double-dealing and sheer cleverness that must have required." - make. out. with. her.

About the Faile/Berelain showdown: a) I love that Faile is smart enough to realize she cannot outsmart Berelain and that the solution will come from Berelain, b) I loathe that we are still in this silly sexist love triangle beneath both women, c) why do I feel like getting Faile to pretend to be her friend is exactly what Berelain wanted but she was waiting for any opening to work Faile, d) they should make out and start a ménage à trois with Perrin.

"Well, there’s this rumor that says you stepped into death’s domain to challenge him and demand answers to your questions" - I like the way Sanderson is using stories around Mat, there with the extremely detailed cover stories, here with the extravagant and sometimes horrifically exact rumors.

Awwww, Mat doesn't want to be embarrassed in front of Talmanes! Talmanes and Tuon are his special nobles.

I've missed Birgitte and Mat's friendship. They're genuinely so wholesome together and if the show doesn't give us this relationship, I'll riot.

Elayne could attack the Two Rivers, bargains to keep the dragons for herself, and hires the Band to use against Cairhien?!? Is she a belligerent ruler always looking to expand her land? This feels like A Turn in her character and not an organic one.

Nynaeve Aes Sedai testing! I wasn't expecting it to come this soon but hell yeah!

"'To show that I am worthy,’ Nynaeve said." - you tell them! Of course, she's already AS

The test itself is ridiculous and brutal but we already knew from NS. It's just even worse because no AS respects Nyn.

"But I would never be myself again if I abandoned him. The world changed when I married him." - Feeling ambivalent about this line. On one hand, a lovely line about her devotion to Lan. On the other, the context and phrasing give off an unfortunate "I don't need a career when I have a man" aftertaste to it.

"And yet, so many of us do it without families. Without love, without passion beyond our own particular interests. So even while we try to guide the world, we separate ourselves from it. We risk arrogance, Egwene. We always assume we know best, but risk making ourselves unable to fathom the people we claim to serve.’" - Partly excellent line that feels like the culmination of an arc for Nyn except we didn't really see said arc so it's underwhelming.

And again, the suggestion that Aes Sedai are cold, frigid women because they don't have family: they do?!? But Nyn is obviously thinking of a straight nuclear family here, not found families.

It's bizarre this is the argument used, with so many other things wrong with the AS.

"Do not press me. In the morning, I swear the Three Oaths. I’m free of them for one more night." - that was a rad threat and At Last Nynaeve has Lan's bond! It was a bit sudden and I thought Lan would be more involved in the process given what happened last time. I hope we get at least a conversation about it when they meet again.

Seonid is so cute with her report to Perrin. The AS are efficient civil servants when they have actual good leadership. 

I am both relieved and pained Morgase is learning just now about Rahvin. That's a cold way to realize one has been under compulsion.

Bawler has something up his sleeve, good or bad. I wish Perrin was more cautious around him.

Ituralde's chapters are genuinely demoralizing. He and his armies are merely cannon fodder to slow down the Trollocs. Neat indictment of war still.

Oh Morgase, that poor, poor woman. She never felt truly loved by Thom or Gareth, and Taringail was a manipulative jerk. The way Tallanvor talks to Morgase is a bit too insistent and self-pitying though. Give her a break.

I admit that knowing how much of a jerk Taringail was it's good to know Gawyn has a father figure in Gareth.

I loathe the way Sanderson writes Siuan. She lost all of her sharpness and power. I want to weep. She acts like mid-books Min toward Rand.

Gawyn exasperates me but I have to admit he is an interesting character in the way he knows and understands so little about what is happening around him. He is pursuing a grey man or something incredibly dangerous, not knowing what it is. He disobeys Egwene and destroys her plans. He's an idiot whose actions always amount to anything.

At last some Moiraine rescue planning!

"No trades, Thom, no bargains. We go in fighting and we don’t leave until we have her." - this made me emotional. Truly, why does he care so much and talks about her as a friend now?

Hell no, Birgitte died in the Tower of Ghenjei!?! 

"They can’t all end in victory. Gaidal and I don’t deal well with happy endings anyway. Better for us to burn out in glory" - this is some ominous foreshadowing for certain stories. Also, there is a real risk that Birgitte's cycle of rebirths has been broken by her being pulled into the real world. Loving this thread of memories fading or being injected into different characters' minds with death as a threshold.

Mat and Birgitte's friendship is genuinely the loveliest.

"They feed off what we feel. They like Aes Sedai in particular, for some reason. Perhaps those with the One Power taste like a strong ale." -I am going to be sick. What are they doing to Moiraine?

Meanwhile, Elayne is onto another chaotic plan without backup AND invoked Min's viewing? She's going to be captured again and people will die, am I wrong? 

Like clockwork. 

I don't even know what to say about what happened in the dungeon.

So, Elayne nearly died, lost the black sisters, nearly lost Mat's medallion and Mellar left with a partially working copy. Impulsive is an euphemism at this point.

Elayne deserves all of Birgitte's ire. Pretending to be a Forsaken is a skit, not a plan.

This is the chapter where Gawyn, Elayne, and Lan are competing for the most bullheaded.

Birgitte has a tough job: she's losing her memories of Gaidal (and possibly of childhood) and taking care of Elayne is harder than walking straight into Shayol Ghul.

I've face-palmed so much about Elayne that it circled back to admiration. I get it: she's the clown queen, the M. Hulot of the monarchs, the Jacques Clouseau of the rulers. Her buffoonish recklessness is so daring it has morphed into wisdom.

"Or was it some part of him? Was it possible that that was what caused him to become a wolfbrother in the first place?" - he's doing the math at last.

I mock him but it feels good to have a chapter that's purposeful with Perrin's arc. No tergiversation, minimal poetry. Just a character coming to a conclusion.

"Bandar Eban has suffered enough beneath the hands of outsiders. Today, she will not know the hand of a conqueror." - I am loving Rand coming to terms with the fact he's been acting like Napoleon for the past few books under the guise of stabilization.

I do wish he would realize that the Seanchan's orderly ruling comes from enslavement and slaughter of a minority. That's why fascism is attractive to some, with promises of empowerment and security for a selected few.

Not terribly fan of the overtly messianic slant of Rand using his ta'veren abilities to uncover unspoiled grain and rousing people as if they were unable to organize without him, but it is comforting to know he is inspiring people.

"Who was he to forbid those who wanted to fight?" - at least Perrin stopped patronizing women for learning to fight. 

I spent the entire time of the Galad-Perrin meeting wondering when Morgase would be uncovered: the reveal did not disappoint.

As fun as the reveal was, the Perrin-Galad standoff is nothing but stalling. The trial with Morgase undead as a judge feels like padding so that Perrin has something to do before the LB. And Morgase has no authority. It is silly.

Darlin is a smart, careful ruler, and I appreciate that. I do wish Egwene would not go behind Rand's back like that, but he isn't leaving her much of a choice.

"Aes Sedai would, unfortunately, be Aes Sedai." - this is why seeing Egwene handle them is so satisfying.

"They were busy reacting to things she’d done months ago." - Clever girl. She's Siuan's girl through and through, playing 4D chess when everyone is squabbling. 

Egwene deftly lets the Hall vote her in charge of the DR alone. She's so sharp.

"Traditions that hitherto have been used only for treachery, backbiting and division" - YES honestly between Egwene and Nynaeve, if the Aes Sedai cannot reinvent themselves, they're a lost cause.

Eggy set another trap for Mesaana. I live for that spy stuff.

Seeing Perrin in the wolf dream again reminds me that the fight with Slayer reads like something out of Dragon Ball Z.

Light, the Perrin and Ituralde plots are not doing it for me. So close to the LB, it's plot fluffing.

Berelain is defending Morgase because she's a real one and understands people underplaying the damage done by patriarchy.

The gag of Alliandre being attacked by her three knives, and Berelain by the dagger hidden inside her dress during the bubble of evil is perfect.

The Galad and Morgase conversation is interesting: on one hand, I appreciate Morgase's input about justice; on the other, it is written like Sunday school morality. Perrin did kill those men for killing wolves and for them, wolves are only animals. Good luck trying to explain to them, without sounding like a DF that wolves are sentient creatures. It’s still the law of retaliation.

"How often did Guardsmen get the honor of carrying their queen, anyway?" - oh yeah, Sanderson is fully taking the mickey out of Elayne. I think he's exaggerating her traits to make her seem too ridiculous, but that's just me.

"'The world just changed, Elayne,’ Birgitte said, shaking her head, long braid swinging slightly. ‘It just changed in a very large way. I have a terrible feeling that it’s only the beginning.’" - Birgitte lived through so many wars. Witnessing Elayne enter what's obviously a belligerent path as a ruler must be crushing.

Perrin facing a nightmare in the shape of the Dragon Reborn, telling himself it isn't real: not subtle, but potent.

Rand looking like a statue on top of Dragonmount is a sweet allusion to Rand seeing himself as a story now.

Wth happened with that Rand vision in the Wolf Dream? Was it a flashback to Veins of gold? A flash forward? Why has Tam gone? Can we get a Rand chapter? 

Mat threw away his medallion and ashandarei to save Talmanes?? It's love, I tell you.

The fight against the gholam? The battle cry in the old tongue for the fallen? The Kin's gateway for the gholam to fall through? Epic. 

"The white in her hair did not detract from her prettiness at all." - Mat never disappoints when it comes to appreciating older ladies.

I hope Ituralde still takes on the Seanchan after the LB because he's skilled at guerilla warfare and using him as cannon fodder here is a shame.

So Cads retrieved Alsalam! Love the irony of someone with her reputation saving a ruler for once.

The tragedy of all these battles is that the most important fight will be between the Dark One and Rand. The rest is a distraction. It's a necessary distraction to allow an after, but it's still a consequence of a lack of unity and planning beforehand.

Ahhhhhhh Siuan is back in action, meeting the Sea Folk, teaching tel'aran'rhiod, setting the trap for Mesaana... And she's gone just like that.

Why can't we have longer Egwene scenes and particularly longer scenes with Egwene and Siuan?

"I am a tool that the White Tower must use" - Curious how the EF5 integrated differently Moiraine's words from TEotW: "A tool is not demeaned by being used for its intended purpose" 

And by curious I mean she's profoundly haunting the narrative and still affecting the main characters.

"She’s so concerned with being strong, with being the Amyrlin, that she doesn’t have room for anyone who won’t bow to her every whim." - he is so allergic to having a girlfriend who has more authority than him, please grow up.

Gawyn proved useful by discovering the assassin is a Bloodknife and then immediately after turned incredibly petty toward Egwene. He's nothing if not consistent. 

I hope we see Bloodknives on-screen: they have the potential to look horrifying.

I was hoping Perrin would reveal his nature during the trial. With Mat's legendary reputation growing, it's gratifying to see the three boys being out in the open with their abilities. 

Curious about the trap being set around the camp.

Hearing Perrin talk about what it feels like to be in someone else's shoes: he too fails to step in the Whitecloaks' shoes when it comes to defending his killing. In the eye of the law, it's not an argument either.

Also, the whole TGH road trip with Moiraine where Perrin’s single-mindedness was particularly egregious.

Okay, the trial was fun. I liked the testimonials and they didn't go the easy route with the sentencing. And Morgase got to rule a last time, while Galad got to take on her mantle for a moment, rather than Elayne or Gawyn.

I doubt Galad will sentence Perrin to death though: a lot of characters (his siblings) have been telling us how hard or cruel he is and so far, aside from joining the Whitecloaks, he hasn't done anything as bad as Gawyn, on the contrary.

"'We’re not children, Mother,’ Siuan said dryly.

‘No, you’re Aes Sedai – nearly as bad at following directions.’" - I love them.

"'See to your safety tonight,’ Egwene said. ‘I would not lose you.’" - and Siuan's smile in return. Their relationship is everything.

"Holding Nynaeve back from attacking, that would have been the difficult task." - Nyn's grin at the prospect of blasting some Black Ajah had me hooting. Let Nyn kill people.

Egwene bloody al'Vere, schooling the Wise Ones and the Sea Folk, leading the Aes Sedai, uniting them all and helping the AS forced to teach SF in the same breath. Why in the world would she choose the Green with negotiating skills like hers is beyond me. HER MIND.

"The women you thought you would find are nothing more than a dream, Amys. Real life is often more disappointing than dreams, but at least when you find honor in the real world, you know you know it to be more than a fancy." - I love this so much. The "adults" are as much at risk of glorifying experience as the youths. And the Wise Ones especially who have positioned themselves as grownup AS are not immune to this bias. Accepting change applies to them too.

"I will not tie you in bands of steel. I’ll use lace instead." - her lucidity regarding what she is doing is so enjoyable to read. It echoes the profound sense of justice AS have that got twisted with time into empty reverence toward punishment.

Perrin is bringing the ter’angreal that disrupts Traveling to tel'aran'rhiod Tar Valon of all places while Egwene is fighting Mesaana in there? I am screaming. He's generally quite careful and this is such a risky move.

"I can’t leave her to do it alone, he thought. I have to help her. From within her shadow." -

Gawyn is a fool but he did give the singular best description of why I would want to be a Warder. It's about service and reverence, being a rock.

Perrin being more experienced than Egwene at ter'aran'rhiod, despite having far less training, and stopping balefire is utter bullcrap though. 

"It seemed she’d managed to become an Aes Sedai. That was good; she deserved it." - okay, I forgive Perrin for trapping everyone in tel'aran'rhiod. That was sweet.

As an Egwene fan, I hate she's been collared again, but as a parallel lover, I adore that she is caught by a Forsaken, given she controlled Moghedien for a time.

Egwene bloody al'Vere: unbreakable doesn't begin to cover it.

Egwene neutralized Mesaana, Perrin tricked Slayer and destroyed the dreamspike, Graendal has a Hail Mary. Light, these chapters are so exciting.

My greatest complaint is that we never saw Siuan and Nynaeve fighting. Let them obliterate BA!

Oh, and Gawyn is bonded to Egwene. If his change of heart concerning Egwene's rank keeps, I'm okay with it. He's a misguided and lost youth, which is why he pretty much enrolled in a militia, but he can redeem himself.

Better keep away from those rings though. More Chekhov's guns.

Tom Bombadil, excuse me, Nakomi, raises a good point about Aiel hardness and punishment as a way of life, but the Aiel are not only war and a hard life? It's a culture. People live in hard climates everywhere and their culture is built around. The loss of a culture would rather come from their displacement or an invasion, not from losing the original purpose of their nation? So yes, Aiel in the Wetlands risk losing part of their culture. But not those in the Waste.

Uh, they made a power-wrought weapon. I don't like this. I prefer Le Guin's approach to war.

The Galad-Berelain thing truly comes out of nowhere though. Good for them and I actually like Galad. This still wasn't well prepared.

The Perrin's come-to-Jesus moment regarding leadership took so long to arrive, it doesn't land for me the way it could have two books ago. Although AT LAST he's accepted his role and we can be done with this arc and go back to the Wolf Dream.

Did Berelain and Faile really think Perrin would attack the WC after going to such great lengths to avoid a fight!?? They're both smarter than this.

Hot take: the Trakand siblings are like that because they manage to have both mommy AND daddy issues. Galad is like that because he's just mommy's boy.

Bukama mention! I didn’t write about New Spring but I LOVED that book. I should re-read it.

"He’d been outmaneuvered. Curse Nynaeve. And bless her, too." - The thing is, Lan's commitment to death is so entrenched, has been for so long, that he has to be maneuvered around to be kept alive. If there was more time, he could get help and heal. That's why I am so invested in seeing onscreen Nyn grasping the depth of Lan's trauma and Moiraine's actions a little better after their marriage. Nyn obviously sees Moiraine’s view now, but I want more about the minutiae of their relationship.

To me, Lan's trauma was way over Nyn's head when she married him, although being Nyn she adapted quickly and came up with this alternative to keep him alive. Nyn coming to terms with the reality of her marriage with someone of Lan's baggage would be such a compelling arc for the show.

Hopefully, he'll start therapy after the Last Battle: he's been traumatized when he was a kid, a teenager and a young man, and 20 years of a long war alongside Moiraine, who's equally FINE, didn't leave him time beyond surviving. It's a process.

Lan is making progress: he sees reason and accepts to lead the Malkieri to battle at last. This book should have been called "Men accept their responsibilities."

Perrin got Galad pledging for him? I like that. It's a neat tie to his conflict with the WC. 

Sanderson is not that much better at romance honestly. The marriage between Morgase and Tallanvor felt rather rushed and insincere to me. She also deserves better.

Elayne sees her move for the Sun Throne as uniting nations rather than conquering: sure Jan. Light, I pity the Cairhienin.

Mat and Perrin's reunion is so moving: we got little of the EF5 as friends. They are still kids, no matter how burdened by responsibilities.

Elayne reuniting with Morgase and Galad was so cute and what a reward after everything they all went through. I am so happy. 

Does Morgase feel flatter? Same issue as with Siuan. Less sharp and more cardboard Morgase than actual Morgase.

I snickered at Dyelin's reaction: my gal was ready to strangle Morgase to stop Andor from toppling into another war of succession.

Aviendha remains so pure of heart. It's worrying that so much of Aiel culture is centered on Rand indeed.

Androl seems like a cool dude. If he is the way to flesh out the Asha'man, I am curious, even if I have doubts about introducing characters so late in the game.

Eh. I wanted to see the BT given more substance but this division is just rehashing the WT plot.

About the long-awaited Perrin and Elayne confrontation: at least the Two Rivers will get some autonomy from Andor? It feels like politics distracting from the Last Battle, even if it's well-done politicking. It should have happened sooner.

Each time I am reminded Tuon enjoys breaking damane I want to weep. And now they have Traveling. Fuck Beonin so hard. 

"The White Tower was doomed." - you wish. As long as Egwene is standing, she's gonna eat you.

Now Perrin knows about the Moiraine rescue mission. It's happening lads! SOON.

It’s easy to forget Moiraine was also present for the encounter with Noam, which caused Perrin so much trauma. They all have ties to Moiraine.

Wait, Avi is seeing the fall of the Aiel and the Seanchan victory over the Wetlands, the White Tower fallen, Cairhien burnt (again), the Seanchan using Elayne's weapons, the Aiel cast out and defenseless? WHAT. Avi's descendants broke the Dragon's peace and engaged in an all-out war with the Seanchan, and their endless war eventually broke the Aiel as people? What. Please tell me Avi will change the future. This is too bleak.

Wait, didn't Moiraine also see different futures in Rhuidean? And she said they were not certitudes, only possible paths? 

Also, did Rhuidean just stop working? Or are the columns not responding to Aviendha as a symbol for the decay to come?

Bribing the rich is better than killing the poor in an invasion, but it's still conquest, Elayne.

Glad to see the Cairhienin nobles are still as corrupted as everyone else. Nobles!

"Tell them that I was wrong. Tell them that we’re not weapons. We’re men." - I love Rand and I love that he is realizing this now, but Light, was the way Rand did (not) deal with the BT truly one of his greatest mistakes.

Rand Sedai! I love that!

The implication of the title, rather than Dragon Reborn, is so juicy: he chose the path, he passed the test, he took the vows.

Interesting that of all the people he credits for helping him be who he is Moiraine is here and Egwene is not. They’re going to clash hard.

The Borderlanders slapping Rand because of his imperialist approach to leading is understandable. He is saving the world, but to pretend the way he is doing it is the right one is ridiculous. Although much like wielding saidin, there was no map.

"But … well, she was proud of him. Grudgingly proud. A little." - Oh Cads, we know. You don't have to hide.

Now, it is extremely interesting that Rand sees the Borderlanders' prophecy as risky given all the other prophecies and viewings he HEAVILY relied on.

Elayne: I'm not a conqueror

Also Elayne: talks about Cairhien exactly like a conqueror.

Light, I genuinely dislike everything Elayne stands for politically. Rand at least has moved past the imperialism, Elayne's arc has been about embracing it. Please, tell me she grows out of it soon. Is her belligerence the Damodred "taint" Moiraine was so worried about?

Setalle and Mat are such a good duo. Mat's begrudging affection for AS is quite endearing.

Mat saying he doesn't like Aes Sedai because he doesn't like women telling him what to do is a) very Mat, b) frustrating, and c) very meta.

Pevara is completely trapped because Travelling is impossible and the Asha'man did something to Tarna, everything's fiiiiiiine.

I still really like Pevara too. She's the definition of a brave fool. Can she be played by Alex Kingston?

"Light, but he wished he could let them stay behind, on their farms, to live in peace while the storm raged elsewhere." - And now he's in Moiraine's shoes: there are causes that require EVERYONE to take responsibility in the world.

"’Her’ meant Moiraine. But what had the snakes and foxes done to her?" - DON'T SAY THAT I AM ALREADY DREADING/ANTICIPATING ZOMBIE!MOIRAINE

The Eelfinn world reminds me of the library's description in The Name of the Rose. So twisted and odd.

"The Aelfinn were for questions; the Eelfinn granted requests. But they twisted those requests, and took whatever price they wanted." - So Moiraine had already encountered the Aelfinn in Tear. I am taking notes.

MY GAL IS HERE SHE'S HERE AND ALIVE

And half-naked, of course.

What do you mean the show isn't a faithful adaptation? It already managed to get Moiraine naked twice in one season, which is an improvement on the 0 naked or walked-on while brushing her hair half-naked Moiraine we got in TEotW.

"Unapologetic, unyielding. And selfless." - I am crying. She is such a force of nature. I have missed her so much and she was gone for so long. I don't even care that she is a damsel in distress here. I am such a sucker for katabasis.

"Noal had tossed his torch aside and gotten out a drum to try to soothe the Aelfinn. That had not worked, and so Mat had turned to the exploding cylinders and nightflowers." - The image is frankly hilarious. When music doesn't work, explosives will do.

"‘If you ever meet a Malkieri,’ Noal said, ‘you tell him Jain Farstrider died clean.’" - Ah! I love this. Mat is surrounded by people of legends come back to life or raconteurs. And Moiraine was already a legend among the Aes Sedai.

I love Mat's thoughts on honor. It's a foolish notion but if it allows some people to live, let them have it. 

Also, do those chapters feel different than the rest of the Sanderson books? The writing reminds me of the Ways.

Seeing the way Egwene leads in comparison with Rand... If he just explained his plan about the Seals, the alliances wouldn't need to be this fraught on the eve of the Last Battle. I guess that's something he also picked up from Moiraine.

I was right, Taim is doing something to his detractors. Is it compulsion or something more sinister?

Oh, Mat remembers Moiraine as far more cold: he was a self-centered boy, he's just seeing her as a human being now.

You bet she's a bloody legend like Birgitte and Jaïn. Aes Sedai were convinced she was still alive and disguised as a Green in LoC.

Of course, Moiraine is depowered like Siuan, and Leane, and Morgase... I hate this.

Give it to Moiraine to recall her torture, voice completely even, unflappable mask on. I want to scream. Why is she like this?

"Sometimes I wished that they would drain me quickly and end my life." - I am in pain.

So she asked for the angreal as part of the deal with the Eelfinn. What were her other two requests? Could she ask to get out, to survive, to die? 

Oh, I am already losing it thinking about Rosamund Pike taking hold of this in the show.

"Light! She had known what she would have to go through, and yet she had still pulled Lanfear into that ter’angreal? Maybe Mat was not the hero here, and maybe Noal was not either." - several people can be heroes at once in different ways but yes, yes Moiraine is a bloody hero

"'Moiraine blinked in surprise. ‘You did what?’

‘It was an accident,’ Mat said lamely, hunching down.

‘You accidentally married the Seanchan Empress?’" - I want Moiraine catching up on everything she missed to be a running gag.

"'Ta’veren,’ Moiraine said.

Somehow, he had known she would say that. Light. Well, it was good to have her back. Mat was surprised at how strongly he felt that. Who would have thought it? Affection for an Aes Sedai, from him." - I have missed her so much. Also, Mat and Moiraine are now the unexpected begrudgingly fond relationship I was needing.

Is Moiraine in shock? Throwing away an angreal? Moiraine "not being able to channel is worse than death" Sedai? Asking Thom to marry her? The last time they met they had a rather aggressive battle of Daes Dae'mar? Is she okay?

"You think they can make one of those color-changing cloaks with some patches on it?" - I laughed. I honestly like Thom. The groundwork for a relationship, let alone a marriage, is just not there. Also, don't make decisions like this after months of torture.

Also, the reveal that Thom and Moiraine had feeling all along for each other - with very little build-up but tbh on par with Lanaeve in book 1 - would have MUCH more impact with Siuan in the show since there's a reason their relationship is secret.

"Moiraine would get her tea after all." - That's a cute closing line.

Honestly, Perrin meeting with Noam/Boundless and understanding his becoming a wolf was a choice is far better a resolution than anything on leadership we got for him.

So Verin was warning Mat about the gateway in Caemlyn in her letter. Cool cool cool

And Rand now knows Lanfear lives. I am looking forward to another confrontation with Rand more experienced and mature.

So, the prophecy of the shadow explicitly talks about Mat, Perrin, Rand and Noal but who the hell is "the First Among Vermin"? Padain Fain?

I vastly preferred TGS, but it still was fun. It definitely belongs to the lower half in my ranking, mostly because some plots feel like they’re here to give characters stuff to do before the Last Battle (the stand-off between Perrin and Galad). But it concluded Perrin’s arc and set up some interesting stuff for the Last Battle, mainly between Egwene and Rand.

The gender dynamics in terms of plot were rather disappointingly on the nose: the men fight incredible battles, described at length, the women meet to talk about scheming or have catastrophic fights where the men teach them how to do the stuff. It's not great, especially after the last book.

Rand was also conspicuously absent, and Mat, Nyn and Eggy stand out quite clearly again. The best part was hands down the Moiraine rescue mission: the urgency of the chase, the oddness of the Tower of Ghenjei, the thematic convergence of so many elements for Mat’s arc and finally, the glee at having my gal Moiraine back on the ring. I still can’t get over the fact that Mat, whose arc has been all about luck, tactics, stories, Finn and fleeing AS, ends up rescuing an AS from the Finn using his luck and wits with the help of two legends made flesh and a storyteller.

I do think it’s hilarious that we finally get to infer who killed Asmodean from a throwaway line by Myrdaal HR.

Onto the Last Battle!

[saerins]

IM ALSO GOOD !!! i, too, have been playing too many games (literally just totk and hsr 😭🤗) BUT SAERINS COMEBACK RAHHHH 🦅🦅🦅🦅

omg you play hsr too !!! who’s your fave baby >:) HEHEHE yes i’m happy most of you are still around 😭

[rinsei]

sorry to add to the saerins asks but i def panicked after trying to go back to reread one of ur fics and seeing the page go blank 😭 i do agree with the other ask and would love to be able to reread the fics on another platform tho! its hard finding good angst around here 💔 hoping for u to get ur creative juices flowing and i look forward to whatever u may write or publish in the future, bllk or not <33

nawwww more than one of you actually rereads my fics ??? 😭 i’m kinda touched ngl haha but yeah okay i’ll get to putting my stuff on ao3 soon & i’ll let you guys know !! dw though i’ve been slowly getting those writing juices back hehe so saerins might be back soonnnn ^_^

[moonflowerchanniesgirl]

Serendipity

Zemblanity Part 2 Serendipity Part 1 

Pairing: lee know x female reader (referred to as Ember)

Genre: angst, idol lee know x choreographer reader, ex fwb to?, ex best friends to? some fluff toward end

Word count: 9.5 K

Warning: much angst, mentions of sexual relations (no outright explicit scenes), mentions of miscarriage, depression, swearing, an insert into the kingdom time period so a lot of references to that and what happened around that. Mentions of hyunjin’s bullying scandal

Summary: You never meant to meet him again, and after years of dodging him all the feelings and memories hit you all at once. Is it fortune or is it woe when you have to be around him again?

Authors note: this is not an accurate representation of stray kids or any of the idols mentioned but an interpretation based on an idea that stems from them. I’m not the greatest at writing a happy ending but I tried my best. Theres quite a bit of time that passes but I tried to make it as realistic as possible. I hope ya’ll enjoy.

“I'm sorry, I’m so sorry I can’t do it Saerin I can’t,” you could barely get the words out over your sobs. It had taken everything for you to collect yourself from the JYP dance studio and leave without showing everyone in the building how absolutely miserable you were. You managed to make it back to your apartment before collapsing on the floor and calling Saerin.

“Breathe darling I need you to breathe, remember the breathing exercise?” You could hear Saerin’s voice over the phone but at that moment she sounded so far away. You put her on speaker and dropped the phone beside you so you could move your hands onto opposite shoulders. You tried to breathe in and out as you tapped your hands against your shoulders while Saerin sent encouragement over the phone. It took a couple of minutes but finally, you managed to stay breathing on a steady rhythm and the tears had stopped.

“I can’t do it,” you said as your hands flopped down to your sides. 

“I understand, I’m sorry that I pushed this onto you.”

“How do I always manage to fuck everything up?”

“That’s not true.”

“The look on his face, I hurt him so much,” you could still picture Minho’s face as he left the room and you felt the tears threaten to come back. “He was crying. He hates crying. I never should have shown up in front of him.” You had never meant to hurt him. At first, you just needed to get away from him because you knew that if you saw him you would seek comfort from him. And then? Even the pain of losing your unborn child has become controllable, the fear in you grew. It was just easier to continue to hide, to run away. Eventually, you were sure that he would forget you entirely. Then you wouldn’t need to ever tell him anything. You would carry the pain and hurt by yourself. Your punishment to yourself while he would move on and be happier than you ever could. Instead, he hadn’t forgotten about you, you had hurt him so deeply that he couldn’t forget. “He recognized me right away and he asked me to explain.”

“What did you say?”

“I couldn’t explain anything, I couldn’t tell him and have him...”

“Have him?”

“Have him hate me any more than he already does…” you finally said it out loud, the reason that had been haunting your dreams at night. You never told Saerin because you never wanted to say it out loud in case you accidentally willed it into reality.

“That’s the reason why?”

“I know he hates me for disappearing and he has every reason to but… if he hated me for…” You could no longer get the words out. The one thought that you had when you hated yourself the most was that things would be so much worse if he hated you too. 

“He could never hate you for that.”

“He loves children, he often spoke about wishing he had a younger sibling to take care of. I once saw him help a woman with a crying child and the moment he held the baby, it stopped crying.” That memory had kept you up many nights after the incident. The smile on his face as the baby smiled at tried to grab at his face. Minho had looked over at you with the silliest grin as if to say ‘see even babies love me’. 

“What happened wasn’t your fault! You didn’t know.”

“But I should have known! All of it was my fault! If I just paid more attention!” You and Saerin had this conversation quite a few times and not once had she managed to convince you that it wasn’t your fault. You had just chosen to drop the subject because no matter what she said, you knew that if you had been a bit more careful…you could have kept your child alive.

“Oh, Ember…” You heard Saerin sigh and felt even more guilty. She didn’t deserve to have you here throwing a tantrum when you already were making things difficult by being unable to take this job.

“Just, please tell JYP I can’t do this, I can’t see him and he most likely won’t want to see me anymore either. I’ll take on more classes to make up for the penalty fee.” 

“Alright don’t worry I’ll take care of it, do you want me to come over?”

“No, I just want to sleep right now.”

“Okay promise to call me if you need me, I’m here for you.”

“Thank you,” with that you hung up and just closed your eyes willing the darkness to swallow you up whole.

You weren’t sure if it was your ringtone or the pain in your back that woke you up first. You slowly sat up from where you had fallen asleep on the floor and reached around in the general direction of the sound to find your phone. When you finally grabbed it you saw that it was 11 am and the number that was calling you was an unfamiliar one. You picked up thinking that it was someone calling about something related to the dance group.

“Hello?”

“Hello is this Ember?” You felt your eyes widen at the voice on the other end. 

“Chan?”

“Haha yeah, I hope you don’t mind I got your number from our manager.” “I see…” You had been sure that there was no reason for the Stray Kids leader to personally call you. Had Minho gone back and told him everything? Was this a call to tell you to never appear in front of them again? Your mind raced with all the different scenarios that would lead to Chan calling you.

“Our manager told us that you decided to back out on being our choreographer.”

“Um yeah,” you were confused about where this conversation was going.

“Could I ask why?”

You almost smiled in spite of the situation, such a reliable leader trying to figure out this situation himself instead of just listening to his manager. Such a nice person that you were pushing into a shit situation of having to find another choreographer with very little time to spare. “Just personal reasons,” was all you could say without directly lying to him.

“Does it have something to do with Minho?” The air left your lungs as soon as his name got brought up.

“What do you mean?” You knew that you should have just hung up and blocked Chan’s number but a part of you wanted to know what Minho said about you. How he explained what had happened between the two of you. What words he used to describe you.

“Our manager said Minho stayed later to work something out with you yeah? When he came back to the dorm he seemed quite upset but he wouldn’t say anything to any of us. And then this morning our manager told us that you were quitting. I was just wondering if maybe something happened between the two of you?”

“Oh,” you were relieved to know that Minho hadn’t told the rest of the boys anything but you also felt awful knowing that he had gone back to the dorm noticeably upset. You knew how much Minho never wanted to actively show others when he was upset or suffering. It had been one of the few things the two of you had argued about. When he had sprained his ankle but refused to tell anyone about it until someone noticed how swollen it was. You had scolded him the whole time he was getting it bandaged up while he just smiled and laughed like he wasn’t in pain. ‘A little rough wear and tear’ he had said while you just smacked him in the chest.

“Look I don’t know what happened but if it's because of something Minho said or did please know that it’s most likely a misunderstanding. He’s a bit rough with words but he always does mean well even if it doesn’t come across that way.”

“I know,” oh if only Chan knew how much you actually agreed with him. How many times Minho had criticized your dancing only to stay behind and practice with you until you were confident. How he laughed at you for forgetting to bring an umbrella only to walk you home even though he lived in the opposite direction. “Don’t worry it’s nothing to do with Minho, I just have some personal issues I need to deal with.” You added lying to Chan to your mental list of sins.

“Hyung?” It was soft but you’d recognize his voice anywhere. There was a sudden silence that came from the phone that you recognized as being put on mute. Just as you were going to hang up you heard his voice again, this time much clearer. “So you’re just going to disappear again?”

“I-” there wasn’t anything you could say back to him because that was exactly what you had been planning.

“It’s always so easy for you to just fucking leave huh?”

“I’m sorry,” you apologized to him once again.

“Do you know how hard it is to find another choreographer this late? Round one is in a week, by the time we find someone suitable we won’t have any time to rehearse.” You recognized the anger in his voice, the same anger he had when he asked you to explain yourself. 

“I can recommend some suitable people,” you said knowing that you would owe some favors but you were willing to do that and much more for Minho.

“It’s not that simple, our team at JYP needs to go over their work and multiple meetings need to be scheduled and we don’t have time for that.” You could hear a slight fumble on their end that sounded like Chan asking for the phone but Minho let out an almost growl-like hush and then you didn’t hear anything further from Chan.

You tried to think of a way to try and fix the mess you made but were drawing up a blank leading to your silence. The silence finally led Minho to speak again.

“I already know where you’ve been and what you go by so what’s the point of quitting and running away again?” 

It almost sounded like he didn’t want you to quit. Yet you couldn’t bring yourself to believe it, to believe that he wanted anything other than to never see you again. “I thought it might be better if you didn’t have to see me anymore.” You owed him that much truth at least.

You heard a snort come from the other end of the phone. “Ha, you really think that highly of yourself huh? I’m a fucking professional, I can put aside any personal feelings I have for the sake of my team. I thought you were a professional too Ember.”

It was both painful and a relief to hear him call you that name. To know that he was the still same Minho who put others before himself, who was willing to work with you for the sake of Stray Kids. Yet at the same time, it proved to you that you guys could never go back to how things were, to be just Minho and yourself again, lost in youthful innocence. If he was willing to go so far then what right did you have to inconvenience their group for your own sake?

“I understand, tell Chan and your manager I’ll be there at two.”

MIROH (Kingdom Version)

True to his word Minho Lee Know was a complete professional when you entered the dance studio, this time all eight members of Stray Kids were already there waiting for you. His expression did not change at all when you walked in. In comparison, Chan looked much more nervous as he glanced between the two of you. You weren’t sure how much Lee Know ended up telling Chan but you weren’t going to be the one to bring it up in front of all the others. You knew that Lee Know wouldn’t have told the rest of the kids anything so you kept your mask on in case any of them would have recognized you.

“I apologize for the confusion I must have caused,” was all you said as you gave them a sincere bow. The moment you straightened up before the others could reply you opened your bag and brought out your notebook. You motioned for everyone to join you as you sat on the floor. “I came up with rough positions and some ideas for what would look good. I’d like your input and if everyone is fine with my plans we can start practicing.” There was a moment of stunned silence as the kids clearly didn’t think you would be so prepared. Lee Know was the first to react and sit just close enough to be able to see the notebook pages you laid out on the floor. The others were quick to join him, Felix and Chan sitting closest on either side of you. “I read through the briefing and the first round for Kingdom is similar to the first round of Road To Kingdom in how the staging and cameras are set up. How familiar are you all with moving cameras and one-take shots?” You looked toward the leader Chan for an answer.

“Yeah we don’t really have much experience,” Chan answered with the rest of the kids nodding.

“There’s a couple of ways to do this first introduction stage. I’ve been told that you guys want to work the finer details of things out yourselves and that I’m here for general ideas, overall structure, and any help you might need. Here I’m going to lay out what options you have and you guys can decide which you like best.” You glanced around to make sure everyone understood (skipping over Lee Know ). “Since it’s the 100-second introduction stage you have the option to go relatively simple just focusing on your dance with a few camera angle changes. This option will be most familiar to you guys and would just be like performing at any normal music show. The most important thing to think about is how to change up some aspects of the original dance to spice things up a little bit. This option probably won’t super impress anyone but you have a bigger chance of playing the underdog card and wowing people with a much more dynamic performance later.”

“That sounds kind of boring,” Seungmin said while Hyunjin and Han nodded.

“In all honesty, this is kind of the route I wanted to suggest you guys take,” you held out a hand to stop Hyunjin who opened his mouth planning to cut you off. “ I know you have a fan meeting that you're already rehearsing for so this would be the easiest option.” You had asked for an overall schedule after you called their manager to confirm that you were indeed back on board to work with them. They had a fan meeting and 3racha had already planned out the hours they would be working to get an early start on making songs for the show and their next album. 

“What’s the other option?” Lee Know asked and you finally looked at him for the first time that day. There was the familiar fire in his eyes and you almost knew that it had been pointless to even make two plans.

“The other option is to start with the loudest bang. Go full out with camera angles, props, flips and tricks. I can’t speak for the other teams but I know that this is probably the option that The Boyz team are going for. You guys have less experience with this compared to them so that would most likely mean practicing till early morning right from the start of the competition and having a target put on your back. Not only would there be more difficult moves added but the most important thing would be working on timing for the one-take shot.”

“That’s more our style isn’t it?” Changbin said.

“Ember’s right though about the fan meeting practice and how little time we have.” This time Jeongin was the one that spoke and you were quite impressed with how freely they let the maknae participate in decision making.

“But don’t we want to look super cool in front of all the juniors and seniors?” Hyunjin chimed in with his thoughts.

“But the lack of time to practice might mean we mess up in front of them or worse someone gets hurt,” Jisung voiced his concerns and everyone fell silent. You could almost hear the gears turning as each member was weighing out the risk and benefits in their heads.

“Chan hyung, what do you think?” Felix asked their leader who had yet to utter any opinion of his own. Everyone turned to look at Chan.

“I think… that I will leave the decision to our dance team leader,” Chan said as he gestured toward Lee Know. “ I will trust his judgment on which one he thinks we can handle and would be good for us and support him in whichever decision he makes.” Everyone then turned to look at Lee Know who had a much more relaxed expression compared to the others.

“If you’re leaving it to me then, of course, it’s the second plan,” he spoke in the most matter-of-fact tone like the answer had been obvious the whole time.  “We’re pro idols so of course, we’re going to give the most explosive performance.”

“Ah hyung, why do you have to be so cool,” Jisung said as he lightly punched Lee Know’s arm and the rest of the kids laughed along. You could only smile and agree with Jisung as you laid out the plan for option two.

You winced as you watched the video of Felix colliding straight into Jisung and then missing his cue to help Hyunjin jump. The kids had just finished their camera rehearsal and you were all monitoring the footage. The cameras were still rolling so you couldn’t say anything yet but you watched Jisung and Felix like a hawk to make sure that they weren’t injured. You could understand the mistakes that Felix had made. The past few days had been a combined frenzy scramble of rehearsals till early morning, their fan meeting, testing out their props, and working out on the timing everything. You, Lee Know, and Chan had worked closely to make this performance as dynamic and tight-knit as possible. There wasn’t much room for error and if you had to guess it seemed the pressure was maybe getting to Felix. As the camera turned off and the boys walked back to their dressing room, you saw Chan and Lee Know grab Felix so you made your way toward Jisung.

“You okay?” You asked him as you walked next to him.

“Yeah I’m fine, how’s Felix?” Jisung asked as he looked around for the younger Australian.

“Chan and Lee Know have got him, probably trying to figure out if he’s okay. But are you sure you’re good? He landed on you pretty hard, any soreness or anything?” 

“Don’t worry about me, it’s okay if I get hurt but Felix he has more difficult dances to do so it’s more important that he’s okay.”

“Han Jisung,” You stopped and just stared at him while he stopped because you had. “Don’t you ever say anything like that again.” In the few days you worked with the boys you saw how hardworking and just generally nice they were. Oftentimes Jisung had been the one to crack jokes when the mood was down because everyone was so tired. He offered you food on more than one occasion in the wee hours of the morning when the sun had risen but they still needed to rehearse more. The fact that he seemed so okay with getting hurt if it meant Felix didn’t reminded you painfully of someone else. “Everyone on this team is important for this performance to be perfect so it matters if even one of you is unwell or hurt.” You repeated the words you had told Minho all those years ago when you were close enough to scold each other. 

“Ah, that sounds like something Minho hyung said once,” Jisung said it so innocently but you felt like you had been stabbed in the heart. Making as quick a recovery as possible you decided to focus back on the matter at hand.

“So Jisung are you okay?” You asked as you hoped that he wouldn’t notice how you didn’t acknowledge what he said. 

“Well, honestly my shoulder is a little sore from cushioning Felix’s weight.” 

“Alright let’s get you a sports patch for now and make sure to tell anyone if it gets worse.” You lightly patted his head to show how good you thought he was being. You pushed the memory of patting someone else’s head back into the corner of your mind where it had crawled from.

“Changbin said you talked to Jisung, how is he?” His voice nearly gave you a heart attack as you quickly whipped around clutching the tea you had gotten from the vending machine.

“Fucking hell,” you nearly screamed before you remembered that you were around possible cameras. You looked at Lee Know who had the ghost of a smile on his face before he retorted to the neutral expression he had whenever he talked to you.

“Didn’t mean to scare you,” he said with a slight shrug. “How’s Jisung?” 

“He’s mostly fine, his shoulder is a little sore but doesn’t seem injured. He’s got a patch on and he promised to go to one of the managers if the soreness gets worse. You could have just asked him yourself.” You replied a little bit bitter about how much Lee Know had managed to scare you.

“He doesn’t like talking about his own pain and would just tell me he’s alright if I asked.”

“So why did you think that he would tell me anything?” You asked before you could remember that you had been trying to only speak to Lee Know under professional circumstances.

“You were always surprisingly good at getting stubborn people to talk.” Lee Know walked away before you could get a look at the expression on his face. You stayed standing there for a few extra moments to convince yourself that the rapid beats of your heart were still due to him scaring you.

自神 Side Effects Gods Menu

“What do you mean Hyunjin went back to his parents’ house?” Lee Know frantically asked a very tired looking Chan 

“It’s the director's orders that he can’t be seen with us for a while when he’s reflecting. That means he can’t be spotted around the dorms either.” Chan spoke as he rubbed his temples and you could only marvel at the amount of pressure that he had to have been under.

“So they expect us to continue this competition show while all of this is going on?” Changbin asked with disbelief clear in his voice.

“All the members in the meeting stated that we couldn’t give up this opportunity because of him, and Hyunjin had agreed with them,” Chan said.

“Didn’t his teacher and classmates come out to defend him?” Felix asked, clearly confused by the situation.

“Yeah but public opinion still isn’t great,” and you had to agree with Chan on that. You had gotten numerous check-in phone calls and texts to ask you about working with Hyunjin and if he bullied you. 

“When is he going to come back?” Jisung asked the question on most of their minds and Chan could only shrug in response.

“Whenever they deem him ready,” he said, looking more and more defeated.

“That could mean never,” Seungmin suddenly brought the idea up and the mood in the room got even worse.

“Did you even try to convince them otherwise?” Lee Know asked as he took steps toward Chan. Every eye in the room went toward Lee Know.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Chan’s voice was dangerously low and that’s the moment you realized what the kids had meant when they said Chan was scary when mad.

“I don’t know, I just thought as the leader you really just accepted whatever they decided.” The two men were now inches apart. Felix finally couldn’t take the intensity and tried to insert himself between the two.

“C’mon Minho hyung there’s nothing Chan could have said or done,” Felix said.

 Chan and Lee Know continued their staring contest for a few moments longer before Lee Know abruptly turned and left the dance practice room. Chan moved to follow but he was pulled into a hug by Felix. That was the moment when you and the other members noticed that Chan was crying. The other kids looked around at each other unsure what to do. Most of them moved toward Chan while you saw Changbin and Jisung look at each other and then at the door Lee Know left through. 

“I’ll go after him, you guys stay here and take care of Chan,” you said to Changbin and Jisung, unable to just be a silent observer in this situation. They nodded at you and you moved swiftly out the door already knowing where you would most likely find him. The rational part of you complained about what you were trying to do. After spending this whole time trying to keep a purely professional relationship with Lee Know, you were stepping back into a territory that was reserved for close friends. But you couldn’t help yourself not when you recognized the destructive behavior he presented. You pushed open the door to the stairway and was met with Lee Know sitting on the first step down. You didn’t say anything as you shut the door behind you and plopped down beside him.

“What are you doing here?” He asked the venom very clearly present in his voice.

“To listen to what’s on your mind,” you answered and from the corner of your eye, you saw Lee Know to relax slightly. Stairways were his favorite spots to calm his mind when his emotions ran too high. In the past, you were always the one to chase after him after he exploded at someone or something. You’d sit with him and the two of you would just talk until he calmed down enough to go back. Those were some of your favorite moments as he leaned his head against your shoulder and spoke his mind.

“Why do you even care?” His question knocked you out of your memories and you turned to look at him. The anger was clear in his eyes, and you started to wonder if you should have let Changbin or Jisung or any of his other members chase after him. Were you too cocky to think that you still deserved to be the one to try and comfort him? You moved to stand up and get someone else to take your place but you felt his hand grab your arm.

“Lee Know?” You were unsure what he wanted in this situation.

“You’re already here,” was all he said as he released your arm. You sat back down next to him. The two of you sat quietly not looking at each other. “Was Chan hyung upset with me after I left?” Lee Know suddenly asked.

“He was crying,” you replied, not softening anything at all. 

“Fuck,” Lee Know muttered barely louder than a whisper.

“You hit him where it hurt.”

“I know, but I wasn’t trying to hurt him, or maybe I was… I don’t even know what I was trying to accomplish by saying that to him.”

“You wanted him to hurt not because you wanted to hurt him but because you’re hurting.” 

“Why would I be hurting?”

“I don’t know why don’t you tell me?” There was more silence as you watched Lee Know try and process his emotions. Truth be told you knew the moment he lashed out at Chan what this was all about but you still needed him to process this for himself.

“Of course, I’m upset that Hyunjin had to go to his parent's house for the foreseeable future like some child put on time out.”

“And why lash out at Chan?” 

“The rest of us have no power but Chan might have been able to do something. He’s been here the longest and PDnim loves him.”

“You know Chan would literally give his life for anyone if you. So if there was something he could have done, he would have.” You knew Chan less than a month but you saw how he treated everyone and the things he did for the kids. 

“So he’s just as powerless as the rest of us.” Lee Know sighed as he leaned against the wall. 

“I don’t think there’s anything that anyone could have done in this situation.”

“So then what, we just wait until he gets the okay to come back?”

“Honestly yeah, wait for him, check up on him often to make sure he’s okay.”

“And if he doesn’t come back? What then?” The bite was back in his voice and once again it hit you how hard you must have hurt Lee Know. He wasn’t supposed to still be hurt, he was supposed to have forgotten you.

“You just gotta trust in him, in your team, and in your company. Everything else we have no control over.” You didn’t know what else to say so you just gave him the honest truth. He couldn’t control this moment and you knew that it killed him inside but you also knew that he needed nothing but the truth. No sugar-sweet lies because oftentimes those hurt more than the truth ever would. 

“I hate that you still know me so well to know exactly what I need to hear,” he said the bite completely gone from his voice. All that was left was tiredness and a tinge of sadness.

“I’ll go get Chan so you can tell him what’s on your mind,” you said as you got up and headed toward the door.

“Thanks,” his voice was soft but you heard it clearly and you felt your heart clench.

“I don’t deserve it,” you said just as you closed the door, hoping that he didn’t hear it. You walked back to the dance studio and knocked before pushing the door open. The members were now sitting down in a circle discussing something, they looked toward you in confusion when you didn’t step in.

“Chan, can you come with me for a sec?” You asked and Chan must have understood what you needed when he wordlessly got up and followed you out. His eyes were still a little red and puffy but it seemed the other kids had calmed him down enough that the tears had stopped. 

“Is he alright?” Chan asked as soon as you guys were a few steps from the dance studio. 

“Just a little emotionally wound up, I think by now the guilt of lashing out toward you is what affecting him the most. Be gentle with him yeah?”

“I know he didn’t mean it.”

“Well just let him apologize, if he doesn’t he might just explode.”

“You two-”

“Not now Chan,” you cut him off quickly and shook your head. You pointed him toward the door to the stairwell. “Go on, you two go and have your awkward moment.”

I’ll Be Your Man  Stray Kids Version

“Why do you only call Minho hyung by his stage name?” Felix asked as he stared hard at you. The two of you were in the practice room together preparing for his solo part of the next kingdom stage. The question had come rather abruptly out of nowhere and to say you were shocked was an understatement.

“What do you mean?” You tried to buy yourself more time to think of a more suitable answer than the real one.

“Well you call I.N Jeongin and Han Jisung but you always refer to Minho hyung as Lee Know.”

“There’s no particular reason,” you lied. 

“Alright then, I have another question then, why do you keep your mask on around us?”

“For safety reasons,” you pushed down the urge to adjust your mask. 

“You refuse to eat with us, let us take you home after practice, or even go to celebrate with us after we got first place.”

“I’m just here to help you guys with Kingdom Felix, nothing more.” Of course, you wanted to hang out and get to know the guys more but you knew that just you being there was hurtful to Lee Know so you kept your distance.

“Then tell me why Minho hyung always looks at you with a sad expression on his face and why Chan hyung makes sure to keep you two from being alone together?” Felix moved so that he was sitting right in front of you and held your hands. That was when you noticed that your hands had been trembling.

“Felix I-” you were unsure of what you wanted to say to him. You couldn’t tell him everything not when you hadn’t even told Lee Know everything. There just wasn't a lie well thought out enough to answer Felix’s observations. You didn’t even notice you were crying until Felix pulled you into a hug, your tears dampening his dark shirt.

“I’m sorry I didn’t mean to make you cry,” Felix said as he patted your back in a soothing rhythm.

“I-”

“You don’t have to tell me anything. I was just frustrated seeing the two of you… you obviously care about each other so much so do you both keep this distance?” 

“I have to Felix,” your mind was running at a thousand miles hearing what Felix was saying. Had you been so obvious about how much you cared about Minho? What had Minho been doing that made Felix think he still cared about you? “I hurt him, I hurt him so badly,” was all you could get out, letting some of the truth slip out of you as Felix held you. “I don’t even deserve to be working with you guys at all.”

“That’s not true, we all make mistakes, and we all deserve to be forgiven for our mistakes. That’s what makes us human.” Felix tighten his hug on you as you continued to let your tears out. “I hope one day you two can work out whatever it is that happened.”

Wolf Mayfly 

You didn’t need to be at KQ entertainment since everyone had agreed that BB Trippin would be the ones to handle the dance collaboration for Kingdom but still you wanted to be there. You wanted to see how their dance team worked and be there for the boys if any of them needed you. The kids had taken quite a blow going from first to fourth and you just wanted to make sure that they were alright. You were just about to walk into the building when you heard a voice calling your name. You turned around and saw that it was Jae, he had also been in your dance troupe and was dating Saerin before they split up due to each other being too busy.

“Jae Oppa what are you doing here?” You asked as he engulfed you into a hug.

“I’m part of BB Trippin silly,” he said and you remembered hearing something about how he left the old dance troupe soon after you and Saerin did. The two of you walked into the building with him leading you toward a room, his hand around your shoulder. “It’s been so long since I last saw you, I almost couldn’t believe that you were the one working with Stray Kids.” The two of you entered the room that turned out to be a little sitting area equipped with a couch and a little kitchenette. “You sit and let me get you a coffee,” he pointed you toward the sofa and you sat down.

“Thanks Oppa,” you said softly as you thought of the last time you saw him. He had been with Saerin when she found you passed out and they were the ones that took you to the hospital. You never told him what exactly happened and you still felt a certain level of guilt about that. But being here with him as he made you coffee made you miss the days when all of you were in the same troupe. A past you could never return to.

“What’s it like working with Minho again? Is he still as stubborn?” Jae asked as he handed you an iced coffee and sat down next to you.

“I don’t think that part of him will ever change,” you replied feeling your throat tighten a little bit.

“Did you guys ever reconcile after your fight?”

“What fight?” You asked clearly very confused. As far as you remembered there was no memorable fight between the two of you. Arguments for sure but nothing that should have been serious enough for Jae to remember.

“Whatever fight that led to you and Saerin telling me to not tell him anything about your whereabouts.” 

“Ah,” it made sense that he thought that there was a fight then. Neither you nor Saerin had explained much of why you had to disappear so of course people thought of their own conclusions.

“I really hope that you two could make up, you were super cute together.” 

“We were never together Oppa.”

“Maybe not officially but everyone knew what was going on between the two of you,” Jae said as he gave you a little nudge with his elbow. You felt your face heat up slightly as you remembered all the good memories.

“We didn’t fight, I just…couldn’t face him,” you told Jae the closest thing to the truth because you knew that you couldn’t lie to him. 

“Did it have something to do with you collapsing?” Jae asked and as soon as he finished his sentence the door slammed open. The two of you jumped in your seats as you both looked over and saw Minho standing there with an unreadable expression on his face.

“You collapsed?” He asked as he walked toward you. You looked away not at all expecting to have him catch you like this. “Answer me,” he wasn’t shouting but his voice was trembling. 

“Minho-” Jae tried to say as he looked between the two of you. 

“Hyung please leave, I need to talk to her,” Minho said but it was clear from the tone of his voice that it was more of an order. He was staring right at you but you refused to look up from the floor.

“I don’t know if-” Jae tried to speak again but was harshly cut off by Minho.

“Hyung please!”

You felt Jae grab your hand and you looked over at him, he gave you a look to ask if you would be okay and you could only nod. At this point it almost seemed pointless to try and run from the situation anymore. He had heard too much and there was only so much you could lie about. Jae silently let go of your hand and left the room closing the door behind him with a soft click.

“When did you collapse?” Minho asked, his voice as harsh as the first day you two saw each other again.

“The day I sent the last message to you,” you answered still unable to look up at him.

“Why didn’t you say anything?”

“I…I was trying to process everything,” you told him the whole truth without revealing your exact reason. You mind was wondering at a million miles a minute as you wondered how far you explain yourself. Almost unconsciously your hand clutched your stomach. 

“And then I never heard anything from you ever again.” Minho collapsed next to you on the couch. The two of you sitting close enough for your shoulders to be touching. “So you disappeared from my life after collapsing.”

You could only nod at his statement not trusting yourself to speak without sobbing.

“And you felt like you couldn’t tell me anything? Or maybe you just felt like I wasn’t important enough to say anything to?”

“Thats not it,” you said quietly still trying to keep your emotions under wraps.

“Was it because I became an idol?” This time Minho was the one that was talking quietly, voice barely above a whisper. “If you had said anything at all I would have told them no. I would have stayed with you.”

“That’s not it,” you cut him off before he could continue to think that he had somehow been in the wrong.

“Then why? Why did you suddenly just decide to leave my life like you never existed?”

“I had a miscarriage,” you got the words out as quickly as you could before you had a chance to regret everything. There was a few minutes of silence as Minho processed what you said.

“What?” He turned toward you and grabbed your shoulders to try and get you to look at him. “What did you say?”

“I had a miscarriage,” you still could not look at him too scared to see what the expression on his face was.

“You were pregnant?”

“I didn’t know until…we got to the hospital and the baby was already gone.” You couldnt see anything over the tears but you felt Minho tighten his grip on you. 

“It was mine.”

“The timing, the last night we slept together.” You had calculated everything when the doctor had informed you how long you had been along. You felt Minho loosen his grip on your shoulders and you could feel yourself begin to deflate before being harshly pulled into a hug.

“I’m sorry, that night I was so full of emotion that protection completely slipped my mind,” he said as he held you closely to his chest, close enough for you to hear the frantic beating of his heart.

“I didn’t remember either,” you told him, too guilty to let him take any of the blame. The two of you had been young and dumb except you were dumber. You were the reason that the child didn’t have a chance to be born you knew that Minho deserved to finally know the whole truth. “It was my fault,” you got out in between sobs.

“What?” Minho pulled the two of you apart keeping you just far enough apart to see your face. You looked up and saw the tears in his eyes through your own tears.

“I was dancing too hard, not eating enough not taking care of myself and the child, it paid the price.” You clutched your stomach hard enough to feel pain. 

“What are you talking about?” You saw the anger on Minho’s face and heard it in his voice. You the urge to run rose up faster then you could have processed it. You tried to get up from the couch eyes darting toward the door but Minho’s grip on you was too solid. 

“I’m so sorry please let me go,” you begged as you tried to push his arms away but he once again pulled you into a hug this and you gripped onto his shirt in confusion.

“How could you think to blame yourself when you didn’t know?” He put one of his hands on the back of your head and pushed you further into him. 

“But still if I-”

“There are no ifs, what happened has happened, why think about things you have no control over?”

“Why don’t you hate me?”

“Why would you think I would hate at you?”

“Because I killed our child,” you screamed into his chest, your hands trying hard to push yourself away from him.

“I’m only mad at myself.”

“Why?” It made no sense to you for there to be any reason for Minho to be mad at himself. This whole time you had never assigned any blame for anything except toward yourself.

“Because I couldn’t be there for you as you were going through this, because there was anything that I did that led you to think that I could ever hate. I’m mad at myself for not trying harder to find you because I can’t imagine what you must have been going through.” You felt his lips on the top of your head. “You big dummy I could never ever ever hate you.”

Your hands dropped their grip on his shirt as you felt all the strength leave your body. You really wanted to believe him but a part of you still felt that this was too good to be true. “Don’t you hate me for disapearing?” 

“No, at the start I was desperately worried thinking that something happened to you. When I saw you again I was mad for sure because you looked fine and you refused to tell me anything. As I calmed down over time I realized that you must have had your reasons, I wasn’t going to force anything out of you but when I heard you collapsed. I just lost sight of reason. But never through any of this, even now do I hate you.”

“But you deserve to hate me, I should have said something, you had a right to know but instead I just ran away.” You were finally letting out the words you had buried deep in your heart. Minho’s hands moved to hold your face and once again you were looking into his eyes. In his eyes you didn’t see anger or hate but something much more tender. He used his thumb to brush a few tears away from your eyes.

“No part of you deserves to be hated. Yes I wish you went about this a different way but I will never know what you had to go through. More than anything I wished you just told me so that I could have been there for you.”

“I was scared.”

“Of me?”

“Of you hating me, telling me that you never wanted to see me again so I chose to leave instead. I thought… maybe you would just forget me.” Once you started spilling the truth you couldn’t stop.

“Oh baby,” Minho pulled you close into a kiss and your lips melded naturally with his. His lips were soft, gentle and familiar. You tasted the saltiness of both your tears but if someone asked you to describe the taste of that moment you would have answered ‘sweet. Minho and you softly separated before he leaned in to place a kiss on your forehead. “Never could I forget someone like you,” he placed another kiss. “Never could I hate you,” another kiss. “Unless you kidnap my cats then maybe,” he said in too much of a serious tone and the two of you burst into laughter both feeling lighter than ever.

God’s Du Du Du

You were nervous. Of course you would be, it was your first time seeing Minho and the rest of Stray Kids after confessing everything. They had been busy preparing for the Mayfly stage and getting their vocals done for God’s Du Du Du stage. You had been busy thinking of a good choreography and working with the stage department for all the right props and backdrops. You were planning something pretty explosive but at that moment while you stood outside the dance practice room you felt like you were going to explode. With a deep breathe in you pushed open the dance room door. The eight of them turned to wave and greet you and Minho jumped up to walk over to you. Before you could really react he grabbed your hand and led you to the other kids all of them with various confused expressions besides Chan who smiled a fatherly smile. Just as you were going to ask Minho what he was doing, he gently took off your mask and stunned you into silence. There were a couple of gasps from the other members while you just looked at Minho like he was crazy. He shrugged at you and turned toward the kids while gesturing at you.

“I’m sure some of you recognize her from when I introduced her right after we debuted. We had a stupid fight and now its over so its pointless hiding who she is. Besides dancing while wearing a mask is stupid and now she can eat with us.” Minho sat back down nonchalantly as if he didn’t just make a giant revelation. He looked up at you with the cockiest of smiles and asked “so you figured out the dance yet?”

Wolfgang

“You’re good for him you know?” Chan said as he plopped down beside you. You were sitting just a few meters away from where the main chaos was happening. Over the last week you had grown much closer to everyone else in the group and they had invited you to join them in their barbeque party before their final Kingdom performance. The excitement for finally finishing (and maybe winning first) was getting to the kids and they had gone a little wild. Half the kids were in a drinking (coca-cola and sprite) competition with their managers while the other half were making food with Minho and Chan supervising to make sure that they weren’t burning the place down. Well Chan had been supervising them until he saw you sitting by the side.

“Aren’t you supposed to make sure that Minho doesn’t get angry and cook the kids?” You asked as you heard a yell come from where the cooking was being done.

“I’m sure they’ll survive for a little bit,” Chan replied with a shrug. “Besides he’s mellowed out quite a bit since you’ve been around. You’re really good for him, I haven’t seen him so relaxed in a long time.”

“Aren’t you supposed to scold me and tell me to not cause any scandals with your groupmates?” Chan let out a loud laugh that he tried to disguise as a cough.

“Has anyone ever told you that you tend to overthink things too much?”

“Shut up,” you said close enough with Chan to punch him softly in the arm. Chan clutched onto his arm in mock agony as if you could cause his solid mass of muscle any pain.

“I’m serious though, he’ll never admit it but for the first time he came to me for advice, I’m sure you know how rare that is.” 

You nodded but didn’t know what to say to Chan. Minho and you had a discussion where you had decided that only Chan needed to know the more specific details of everything and he still didn’t need to know absolutely everything. Since that discussion you and Minho’s relationship had seemed to almost revert back to exactly how it had been in the past. In fact Minho seemed even more close and clingy with you than he had been in the past. He always made sure to sit or stand next to you.  He grabbed your favorite foods from the JYP cafeteria when you didn’t have time to go yourself. You found yourself watching him more and more and freely touching him to correct his moves. You often had to remind yourself that you weren’t around the members of your former dance troupe and instead around his members. You tried to be more professional and started to keep a more respectable distance after you caught the other members whispering about your relationship. That might have worked, if Minho hadn’t gotten annoyed and plopped you directly into his lap. His nonchanlance only made your embarrassment worst but you decided that maybe it was okay to just enjoy being near each other to make up for the lost time.

“Felix is waiting for you guys to finally tell us you’re dating so he can bake you two a big batch of brownies to celebrate.”

“We aren’t dating,” you told Chan honestly. While you two were enjoying each other’s company you weren’t officially dating. You honestly didn’t mind it as your relationship dynamic was one that the two of you were quite familiar with, but with the way Chan was looking at you like a kicked puppy you wondered if maybe you and Minho needed to have a talk about it soon.

“You aren’t?” 

“No.”

“Why the hell not?” Chan yelled loud enough to attract the attention of everyone else.

“YAH Bang Chan-ssi why are you screaming at her,” Minho yelled as he walked over holding a spatula very much looking like a disgruntled mother.

“You two-” Chan cut himself off when he noticed all the other kids and the mangers watching him, “need to talk, go take a walk around the river I’ll watch the cooks.” Chan took the spatula and pushed Minho toward you as he pointed toward the general direction of the river. Minho looked at you with a raised eyebrow and you could only smile at him. He reached his hand out to you and you took it to stand up. The two of you walked in the direction that Chan had pointed neither of you speaking until you could no longer hear the chatter of the kids.

“What do we need to talk about?” Minho asked as he squeezed the hand that he was still holding.

“It’s nothing really, just Chan being silly,” you replied not looking at Minho. He stopped walking and tugged you back until you were facing him.

“Just tell me…” Minho whined as he swung your hand back and forth.

“I just told him that we weren’t dating.”

“Ah,” Minho’s reply spiked your anxiety and you wondered if maybe you shouldn’t have said anything. You turned to try and keep walking when Minho tugged your arm and pulled you into his chest. “Should we date then?” He asked.

“Geeze Minho you have to stop suddenly hugging me like this!” You used the hand that he wasn’t holding to try and push at him to no avail. 

“It’s not my fault that your first reaction is always to run away.” His tone was light but you stiffened at his words. “Hey hey I didn’t mean it like that, stop looking like the world is going to end,” he gently poked your nose and you relaxed slightly.

“I mean you’re not wrong.”

“Why don’t you just answer my question~ should we date?” His voice was whiny but the look in his eyes was quite serious.

“I honestly don’t know. It would be a lie to say that I don’t want to but I’m quite terrifed,” you promised yourself that you would no longer lie to Minho and that meant telling him exactly what you thought.

“It’s true, we never dated before have we?” Minho ran his hand through your hair as he smiled softly at you.

“Yeah, I’m not sure… what us dating would even mean.”

“It would mean that I get to call you girlfriend and you get to call me boyfriend. It would mean that the kids would stop trying to not so subtly ask me what our relationship is. I’m still going to hug you when I want, feed you when I want, hold your hand when I want, kiss you when I want and I expect you to do the same. Then when we’re ready I’m going to propose so that we can get married, adopt more cats so that Soonie, Dori and Doongie can have more sibling and spend the rest of our days dancing together until we get too old and our bones crack.” 

You wanted to laugh, you wanted to laugh and you wanted to kiss him so you closed the distance and attached your lips to his. The kiss still tasting absolutely sweet. When you pulled apart again you saw Minho’s smile as he reached to wipe the tears away from your eyes. 

“So is that a yes?”

[readerbell]

Nynaeve is a better woman than me. If I was her, her story would end in book 2 because I would not step back out of that third arch. All the best to Rand and co. I hope you win the Last Battle!

“Are you well, my love?” Lan asked worriedly.

“Do not call me that! I am not your love! I cannot marry you!”

He startled her by throwing back his head and roaring with laughter. “Your implication that we are not married might upset our children, wife. And how are you not my love? I have no other, and will have no other…

“We have babies?”

“We have three children, though only one can properly be called a baby. Maric is almost to your shoulder and can’t decide if he likes horses or books better. Elnore has already begun practicing how to turn boys’ heads, when she is not pestering Sharina about when she’ll be old enough to go to the White Tower.”

“I know I am not the best of husbands. I was all hard edges when I found you, but you’ve smoothed some of them away, at least.”

“You are the very best of husbands,” she murmured. To her horror, she found herself remembering him as her husband, remembering laughter and tears, bitter arguments and sweet making up.

“Before I met you, I thought nothing except the sword was real. Look around you, Nynaeve. It is real. Whatever you want to be real, we can make real together, you and I.”

If al’Lan Mandragoran said all that to me, I’d be all, ‘Rand? Perrin? Egwene? Mat? Moiraine? What are those names? I wish them the best whoever they are. My kids and my man need me!”

Ps: I’m sure Lan and Nynaeve go on to have these three kids because Sharina is a character we meet later on. Nynaeve automatically remembers Sharina Sedai from her Test. I’m so happy Sharina goes to live with Nynaeve. After the nightmare that is Cadsuane, Nynaeve gets the nurturing grandmother of dreams in her life. I’m sure they’ll be fast friends too. Sharina likes Healing & starts de-aging when she joins the rebels. She deserves a good friend. They’ll be two of the most powerful people alive, chilling and healing the world. Sharina also has a love of Malkier so I’m sure she’ll love being the Aes Sedai advisor to the Malkieri court.

The show better give me this scene with all it’s angst! I want to see these beauties act this out.

After that torture, Nynaeve pops back out and is mad as hell.

“I hate you!” she managed fiercely, gulping. “I hate all Aes Sedai!”

Me too (except Verin…and Teslyn and Adeleas and Vandene…and Moiraine and Siuan…and my girl Leane…and Daigian but then THAT’S IT! Fine, maybe Saerin and Pevara too…)

[neocrush]

to the fools who dream.

pairing: idol!renjun x fem!trainee!reader

prompt: when two fools with the same dream collide and tragically fall for each other. except, one has already achieved said dream. the other is willing to sacrifice everything in able to reach that same dream. through experiencing love and heartbreak for the first time, they learn to separate dream and reality.

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TEASER UNDER THE CUT.

“Five, six, seven, eight!” The dance teacher counted to the beats of Boss Bitch by Doja Cat. You kept a strong gaze, looking at your dancing figure on the mirror. You and your fellow trainees  squatted on the ground as you stayed in that position, waiting for your respective solo parts. As your solo part came, you stood up and gracefully went to the center. After sixteen counts, everyone else stood up as you led them into the chorus. As the song ends, you stayed still in your ending pose. You and Saerin’s heavy breathing being the only audible thing to your ears. 

Your ending pose included you perching one arm up her right shoulder as both your bodies faced each other, meanwhile your actual faces faced the floor. “Good job, girls! That’s a wrap for dance practice today!” The man who previously had a stern face, smiled proudly at your hard work. “Your managers told me that none of you have any extra classes or training after this one. Therefore, you are allowed to go back to your dorms. Rest up, tomorrow is the monthly evaluation.” 

All twelve of you bowed as your dance teacher left the practice room. “Finally..” Haryeong sighed, collapsing to the floor as she sprawled her body in a funny manner. 

“I’m so nervous. I-I don’t think I’m ready for tomorrow’s evaluations.” Hannah stuttered. She was fairly new to the company, so her being extremely nervous for her first evaluations wasn’t that surprising to any of you. What surprised you, was that she started crying. Jaera, the eldest female trainee engulfed her in a motherly-like hug. She wiped the tears that fell onto the gray-haired girl’s cheeks away. 

“Hannah, look at me,” She softly spoke. The younger girl looked up, indicating that she was listening to her elder. “You’re going to do amazing. I know that for a fact. I’m not just saying this because we’re friends or because I’m trying to cheer you up. You are truly talented and hardworking. You entered this company without knowing how to count beats and stay on key. That was nearly a month ago. Now you’re up for the Main Dancer position and our vocal coach praises you on the daily. Heck, you even started rapping! Do you see what I’m trying to say? Your hardwork won’t go to waste. None of ours will.” The speaking girl looked around at her fellow trainees. Some of you starting to tear up a bit.

She continued, “I say this with all my heart. We all deserve to debut. When the time comes, our company will realize that our talent and hardwork can’t go to waste. If they fail to do so, then they’re missing out on so much potential.” The sobbing girls wiped their tears as they laughed at Jaera’s last line. Sumin pulled everyone into a hug as you cherished this moment, knowing it won’t forever be like this. 

The hug fell apart as Wonchae’s phone buzzed, receiving a call from one of your managers. Soon enough you all bid your goodbyes, as you were travelling in different cars to your dorms. Everyone walked to building’s main lobby and black vans arrived. It was 3:58 AM and you were in need of rest. As you put your white mask on, you heard a voice call out your name. You turned around and immediately removed your mask, bowing at the person who was nearing you. “Yoongi-sunbae, hello.” You properly greeted your senior.

“Ah, good thing you’re here. The CEO wants to see you.” You widened your eyes at what the taller man had just told you. “Don’t worry, it’s probably nothing bad.” He chuckled at your tense figure. “I should probably tell-” “No, no, it’s okay. They already know.” He reassured as he cut you off mid-sentence. “I can walk you there. My practice room is on the same floor.” You firmly nodded at his suggestion. “Let me just get some iced coffee, which is what I initially was going to do.” You both chuckle as you trailed behind him to the vending machine and to the 12th floor via elevator. 

You walked through the spacey hallway that led to the CEO’s office. Yoongi took a turn as he opened a door that revealed six boys chaotically doing shenanigans in a big practice room. You just chuckled at the sight of the six hyperactive men you had to deal with since you were a mere child. “Y/n! Hi!” A deep but cheerful voice that belonged to none other than Taehyung joyfully called out your name as he energetically waved at you from a distance. “Hi Taetae-sunbae!” You smiled ear-to-ear and waved. 

“See you soon? Good luck for the evaluations tomorrow by the way.” Yoongi calmly voiced out.

“Oh, Thank you, sunbae. See you soon!” You bid your goodbyes as you properly bowed - he was your senior afterall. You continued your mini journey to the CEO’s office as you walked straight towards the end of the hall.

You were now face-to-face with the door that led to the CEO’s office. The words  ‘BANG SI HYUK’ on top of ‘CEO of BigHit Entertainment’ with big, golden letters and a bold font were plastered on the big white door. It was quite intimidating - you must say.

You entered the room full of hesitation and got lost in your see of thoughts, until a man voiced out. “Ah, y/n. I have been waiting for you.” Your boss, Bang Sihyuk, smiled softly. You bowed, “Hello, sir. I apologize for being late.” “It’s alright. Take a seat.” He pulled out a chair that was in front of his large desk, gesturing for you to sit on it. “Thank you, sir.” You took a seat, smiling at his extremely kind gesture. He took a seat on his large leather chair, facing you from the other side of his desk.  

“It’s very late right now, so I’m not going to keep you here for a long time. I’ll just get to the point, okay?” The middle-aged started as you firmly nodded. 

“You have been training with us since you were 12 years old. When you auditioned, I saw the talent and potential in you. I knew you were going to become a star one day. An extremely successful one. You are very talented and hardworking. You already know that, of course. Everybody in BigHit does. Even our cleaning staff.” You both chuckled at his comedic remark.

 He continued with a more serious tone, “I’ve watched you grow into an amazing artist. There was never a day where you would let me down. After every performance, you always remind me why I accepted you into the company in the first place. You never fail to improve. To be better. To be stronger. You are extremely independent for someone your age and you should be proud of that. But most importantly, you are passionate and humble. Wherever you go in life, remember to keep those core traits as they will always bring good things to you. I, as your boss, am extremely proud of you and the person you’ve become.” 

You smile at the amount of compliments that you were being showered with by one of the most important people in your life and career. 

“I made a deal with SM Entertainment.”

Your smile altered to a confused-type-of-look as the words that had just rolled out of the man’s tongue irked you in a way. It wasn’t that you hated SM Entertainment, they were just - a joke - to your company. Your fellow trainees who were in the same class as some of the SM trainees would always talk about how celebrity-like they acted. The girls would joke about how self-centered they were here and there. Of course, you just stood there and listened. You went to an international school and trained almost your whole life, resulting in you almost never interacting with trainees from other companies. Hence, not knowing how they behaved in real life. The only exception was when you appeared in Stray Kids’ music video for God’s Menu. Then again, they weren’t trainees.

“They have decided to transfer a male trainee from their company. He wasn’t exactly fit for their company, but I saw lots of potential in him. They didn’t want to properly let him go. They weren’t going to risk losing another trainee. Therefore, they proposed a deal.” 

I think know where this is going.

“Our team had a meeting with their team. We showed them all of the latest monthly evaluations. They decided that they were going to select one of our trainees to be transferred to train at their company and vice versa.”

Oh no, it’s actually happening.

“With lots thinking and negotiation. They chose you. You’ll be picked up by your new manager here at around 8 AM. Y/n, I truly believe that you are going to be an amazing artist. No matter which company you are under. I have faith in you, y/n.” 

You were tearing up, “So is this goodbye? An end to years of training here? My home?”

Bang Sihyuk replied, “This isn’t me completely letting you go. It isn’t an end to anything. It’s the start of something wonderful. You are extremely talented, passionate, kind, hardworking, and humble. Whichever company you are in won’t matter. You are an amazing individual and you know it.” The chubbier man had engulfed you in a warm hug. “BigHit will always welcome you with open arms. Whenever you’re feeling empty, you know we’re here for you. You know the boys will do everything to protect their sister, right?” 

You nodded into the hug as you pulled away and smiled, “I’ll do my best. I always will. It’s what you taught me.”

“Show ‘em SM kids how they raised you in Bighit!” you laughed at the man, who in a few hours, won’t be your boss anymore. 

You spent the few remaining hours of being under the company you grew up in with the members of BTS and TXT. Together, you ate ungodly amounts of Spicy Ramyeon while reminiscing the boys’ trainee days with you.

Oh, how you were going to miss your brothers.

a/n: no nct yet sorry! but we need this for character building :)) did your faves make an appearance/get mentioned?

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none atm so send an ask to be added !

[chxngho]

venus fly trap | @saerinity

IN A BALLROOM IN SEOUL, A MAN WAITS FOR A SAVIOR

if changho’s childhood has given him anything — besides derangement, was endurance. he did not weep, nor did he mull over failure or whine at the unfairness of a situation. but this party was testing it; what was the use of mingling now that his social skills were hindered by the allure of alcohol and soured by han insoo.  his mind engulfed in a mixture of boredom and alcoholic haze; he knows it’s rude to check his phone. changho could see his mother tutting in disappointment regardless, his fingers slip into his pocket, pulling out the object with a slight frown. 5%? shit, he’ll probably need it later; his father’s men had no idea where he was, and changho did not want to hear a lecture about how he had to be careful, especially when meetings with the other gangs were in session.  who knew being a crap group chat with the other pledges would cause his phone to drain its battery. two options lay before changho, to allow his phone to die and hear his father rant at him while hungover or, maybe his eyes lift from his phone and towards the entrance of the hallway he was currently hiding in.

ready? who will be the unfortunate soul that stands as the gatekeeper to changho’s salvation?

moments turn to minutes, and once again, changho’s patience begins to thin, not one person will-

the clicking of heels clattered throughout the hallway, and the young man wafts towards the figure without much thought. his arm thrown around the petite figure as he lazily smiles at her, canines showing through.

ah. yoon saeri, posterchild for some church — he didn’t pay much attention to those christian types, his family if feeling somewhat religious, were buddhist.

“ah, my savior,” his throat filled with praise, “ would you so happen to have a phone charger, you’d be helping a poor sinner like myself.”

[neuxue]

Wheel of Time liveblogging: Towers of Midnight ch 3

I have been waiting for this reunion for literal years. It did not disappoint.

Chapter 3: The Amyrlin’s Anger

Oh, we’re doing this!?

One thing I can guarantee: I am definitely not ready. Childhood friends turned childhood sweethearts turned near-siblings turned uneasy allies turned near-enemies, perhaps turned uneasy allies once more, with prophecy and opposing institutions and the apocalypse hanging over them?

I’m just. In case you haven’t noticed, I have a lot of thoughts about this whole dynamic, and I have been waiting for this… probably since they last saw each other in Lord of Chaos. Before that, even. Since they were set on their separate paths, but with this thread, strained and near at times to breaking but a thread all the same, of some kind of love between them that might, in the end, be enough to do what their predecessors could not, and face the end together.

Also their stories have been running in this fascinating not-quite-parallel for so long but they haven’t interacted in so long that I’m just! Very excited for this reunion and the pain it will no doubt bring!

I should start reading now, shouldn’t I?

Egwene floated in blackness. She was without form, lacking shape or body. The thoughts, imaginings, worries, hopes, and ideas of all the world extended into eternity around her.

The imagery of that last bit catches my attention here because it plays very close to the position Rand holds: stood at the centre, a force, or a being more than a person, touching all the world or – in Egwene’s case – all the world’s dreams. It’s just an interesting one, in amongst all the other parallels and inversions between them.

Though her feelings for Gawyn were still strong, her opinion of him was muddled recently.

Just break up with him already. Please. You’ve already once decided that actually no, I don’t want a storybook romance with the designated hero thank you very much; you can do it again.

The dreams of all the people here – some from her world, some from shadows of it – reminded her why she fought. She must never forget that there was an entire world outside the White Tower’s walls.

This is her anchor, just as Rand has now at last found his. Or, not even an anchor so much as a reason. Something to fight for, something to remember and strive for beyond the fight itself. And again this places her very much at the centre as well, looking at all the people, all the dreams, the entire world. They just each have their own ways of going about it, and their own reasons for doing so.

Time passed as she lay bathed in the light of dreams.

Just quoting this one because it’s pretty.

It’s sad to see Egwene thinking of the Wise Ones in terms of ‘dealing with’ them, but also not really surprising; there’s been a distance between them ever since she took on this role. They hid the events of Dumai’s Wells from her and she chose the Aes Sedai over them and it is, perhaps, one of the harsher aspects of the way she absolutely embraces her role, the good and the bad.

Ugh, fine, dream of Gawyn if you must.

A more simple life. It could not be hers, but she could dream…

Everything shook.

Or not. I’m just imagining this as the Pattern itself interrupting like ‘EGWENE, PLEASE. YOU CAN DO SO MUCH BETTER THAN HIM.’

(Yes, the Pattern speaks in all caps. No I will not be accepting constructive criticism on this point).

This pleasant dream interrupted by an emergency broadcast: thirteen black towers rising and then all but six falling. In case you weren’t keeping track of how many Forsaken were still alive, I suppose.

And then a follow-up as a reminder, I assume, that Mesaana is still in the Tower.

Unless the eagles-and-snake bit is referring to the Black Tower? Still no idea what’s going on there these days; it’s been a while and I’m very, very curious after that ominous line drop in the KoD epilogue.

She saw an enormous sphere made of the finest crystal. It sparkled in the light of twenty-three enormous stars, shining down on it where it sat on a dark hilltop. There were cracks in it, and it was being held together by ropes.

There was Rand, walking up the hillside, holding a woodsman’s axe. He reached the top and hefted the axe, then swung at the ropes one at a time, chopping them free. The last one parted, and the sphere began to break apart, the beautiful white globe falling in pieces. Rand shook his head.

Innnnnnnnnteresting.

The sphere (and its breaking) sounds – first of all a lot like the Sharom because what, you thought I’d pass up a Rhuidean reference? – like the Dark One’s prison, perhaps. With Rand cutting the ropes like breaking the seals.

Or maybe the Choedan Kal, with all the brilliant light of that enormous power, that he has now broken. Or the world itself, I suppose. I’m going with the Dark One’s prison here, probably.

But what are the twenty-three stars?

Thirteens are common, you can’t swing a cat in this series without hitting a duality, threes and sevens crop up on occasion… but what the hell numbers twenty-three? Except for the graves Bashere once had to dig for oak trees on the orders of the mad general he served, but while there may be no such thing as coincidence, that’s a bridge too far even for me.

Nations? Okay now I’m just curious if I can name them all, so… in the wetlands we have: Altara, Amadicia, Andor, Arafel, Cairhien, Far Madding, Ghealdan, Illian, Kandor, Mayene, Murandy, Saldaea, Shienar, Tar Valon, Tear. Then the Aiel, or: Chareen, Codarra, Daryne, Goshien, Jenn (?), Miagoma, Nakai, Reyn, Shaarad, Shaido (?), Shiande, Taardad, Tomanelle. Then Seanchan and Shara on the edges, the Atha’an Miere and the Tuatha’an, and the dead nations of Malkier, Manetheren, and the Amayar. The Ogier. The even-more-dead nations like Almoth and Eharon and whatnot. But even playing with the obvious ones like how to count the Aiel, or the dead nations, or the city-states, there’s not an obvious 23.

The Hall of the Tower maybe? Three Sitters from each Ajah is 21, so with Amyrlin and Keeper we’re at a much cleaner 23, and there is the whole ‘Watcher of the Seals’ element of the Amyrlin’s role, so twenty-three stars watching could make sense.

Or, hell I don’t know, maybe there are 23 verses in the Karaethon Cycle. Meh.

Well, Egwene’s focused on the Mesaana implications (rather than the Messiah implications; I crack myself up sometimes), which seems fair enough.

“He’s here, Mother. At the White Tower.”

“Who?”

“The Dragon Reborn. He’s asking to see you.”

HERE! WE! GO!

Because you know what this means? It means, once again, that we’re going to get outsider POV of Rand, after a crucial turning point in his character.

Twice. Because first, we got it via Almen Bunt, effectively a random character. We got to see a ‘first glimpse’ of Rand, as it were. But now we get to see through the eyes of one who knows him – or rather, one who knew him. One like him in some ways and so very different in others. An opposing role who once was a friend. There’s just so many potential layers there, through which to observe, and I am inordinately excited for this.

*

Though okay right as I say that we shift POV to Siuan, so I may be pre-empting this.

That said, it’s either going to be some form of outsider POV or it’s going to be Rand’s POV and either way I’m going to be on the damn floor so it’s a win-win situation here.

The Dragon Reborn? Inside Tar Valon?

I mean technically that was the goal all the way back in EotW, so you could argue that he just took a really, really long detour. Across the entire continent, a past life, and near-destruction of the world, but… details.

“He was at the Sunset Gate”

How appropriate. Is there perhaps a Wind Tower for him to climb?

“What is his game, do you think?” Saerin asked.

“Burn me if I know,” Siuan replied. “He’s bound to be mostly insane by now. Maybe he’s frightened, and has come to turn himself in.”

“I doubt that.”

“As do I.”

Harsh, Siuan. But not entirely unfounded – at least on the mostly insane part. He’s not, but first of all how would she know that and second of all, if this were a few days earlier, that would be a much harder one to argue. (For the record, my own interpretation of Rand’s sanity or lack thereof before Dragonmount is a strong vote in favour if It’s Complicated).

Of, course, then there’s the whole issue of ‘how long can you stay sane when the entire world is waiting for you to go mad’ but that is, perhaps, a moot point now.

“Maybe he heard that Elaida was gone,” Siuan said, “and thought that he would be safe here, with an old friend on the Amyrlin Seat.”

Oh no this already hurts. Honestly I think any reference to Rand and Egwene as old friends is probably going to, at this point, but also the way Siuan goes to this idea of Rand needing a place of safety. A refuge. Because in so many ways, for a very long time, she wouldn’t even have been wrong. It’s just that it wasn’t an option and there was no such place and the Dragon Reborn couldn’t afford that kind of weakness, and anyway he was never looking for safety for himself; it was keeping others safe from him that he wanted, back when he was just a shepherd boy holding himself together with determination and fragments of Warder instruction against power(s) trying to claim him from within and without.

But Siuan is remembering that boy, and I’m also remembering Rand in the early days at the Stone of Tear, trying so earnestly to let Elayne and Egwene help him with saidin, and how that, from a certain perspective, is not really so different from trying to find some safety in friends.

“Reports call him mistrustful and erratic, with a demanding temper and an insistence on avoiding Aes Sedai.”

I mean, up until – what, a day ago at most? That would be not at all inaccurate. Especially from the outside.

Really I think this whole scene with Siuan and Saerin is largely to remind us of how Rand comes across to the rest of the world. Because the thing about that Dragonmount epiphany – a crucial part of it, but one that is likely going to also result in some complications – is that it was unwitnessed. Just Rand, alone, thinking. And if the cleansing of saidin was difficult to believe by those not directly involved (and even by some of those who were), how much harder will this be, in its own way?

And just to set the scene even more ominously as far as anyone but the reader is concerned, the floor tiles are now the colour (and sheen, and probably texture, and very possibly actual chemical composition) of blood.

It is interesting to contrast the feeling of approaching this meeting to how it felt in the buildup to Rand’s meeting with Tuon last book. That was just full to the brim of impending doom, of ‘there is no possible way under the sun that this will end well’, of ‘oh no, how disastrously is this going to go?’ because at that point Rand was in freefall and the only certainty was disaster. Now, there’s a sense of lightness in approaching this meeting. I mean, I’m still quite sure it’ll hurt me, but the actual tension is different. It feels like waiting for catharsis, almost, rather than waiting for catastrophe.

So hey, maybe we just look at that meeting with Tuon as a practice run for Rand in terms of how to negotiate treaties with a woman who controls a decent part of a continent. If nothing else, it set the bar about as low as it could possibly be, so this can only be an improvement!

Siuan had harboured a small hope that she herself would be chosen [as Keeper]. Now Egwene had so many demands on her time – and was becoming so capable on her own – that she was relying on Siuan less and less.

That was a good thing. But it was also infuriating.

Oh, Siuan. Siuan’s thoughts about her position in the Tower and how it has changed are always a little sad to read. She’s so strong that it’s easy, almost, to forget just how much she’s gone through – and she can’t even just put it behind her and move on because she’s surrounded, every single day, by constant reminders of all she has lost and all that has changed. And even so, we only get these occasional moments of sadness or bitterness or frustration from her. The rest of the time she just… keeps going.

She wanted to do what she’d set out to do, all those years before with Moiraine.

It really is kind of incredible dedication to a cause. Even if ‘shepherding’ the Dragon Reborn is perhaps not really what is needed, she has paved so much of the way, and even from the sidelines has been instrumental, and this has been more or less her entire adult life. A thankless and often punishing task, one that has gone and will likely continue to go largely unacknowledged, one that has brought her hatred and suspicion and pain, and yet she does not question it, does not falter.

It's… I guess in a way it comes back to the whole idea of those who choose vs those who are chosen, but I like the way we see these characters who aren’t the Chosen One but who still give everything they are, and everything they have, to this world and this cause. Some because they must and some because they choose to and some for reasons in between but it’s again this sense that while Rand stands at the centre of it, there are all these other stories and sacrifices and triumphs and tragedies spiralling out from that centre, all weaving together into this pattern. Or Pattern, as it were.

Also, I would like to strongly second the ‘with Moiraine’ part of that sentence. Can we have her back yet please? I’ve been good, I promise!

Bryne’s here too, which means I also get to reminisce about the first (and last) time he met Rand, even before Siuan did, but another scene of Rand as little more than a shepherd, uncertain and afraid and getting by on determination alone and yet, as with his meeting with Siuan, still surprising those around him by being just a little more than expected.

(As for Rand’s first meeting with Egwene, we have no textual evidence but given their ages it probably involved eating mud).

“You came faster than I’d assumed you’d be able to,” she said.

That is, quite literally, what she said. I’m sorry, I’m twelve.

“She’s what we need now,” Bryne said, “but you’re what we needed then. You did well, Siuan.”

YOU DID WELL

I’m sorry, Moiraine’s letter to Rand really just loaded all variants of that phrase quite heavily and it’s not Moiraine saying it to Siuan but it may as well be, and to have anyone looking at all she has done and all she has been through, looking at someone most Aes Sedai now dismiss as inconsequential at best and to blame for their problems at worst, and actually seeing everything she’s achieved and everything she’s sacrificed and to just acknowledge it outright is… such a small phrase but it means so much. Because how many others would say that? How many others could? So few even know what she’s done and why and for how long. Egwene, maybe, but Egwene is still in some ways her protégé and so not really in a position to give that kind of praise. Moiraine, but she’s still… on holiday. And that’s really kind of it.

There’s a reason these kinds of tasks are called thankless.

“He’s standing below, watched over by at least a hundred Warders and twenty-six sisters – two full circles. Undoubtedly he’s shielded”

My first thought was ‘good thing this is Rand after Dragonmount otherwise I don’t think there’d be a Tower right now’, but then, Rand before Dragonmount would probably quite literally not have been caught dead within balefire distance of the White Tower.

Whereas now… what a stark difference this highlights in his entire mindset and character. Once, the possibility of thirteen Aes Sedai sent him away from a city he was holding, tense and desperate and furious. Once, being shielded was – well, I believe the direct quote was ‘Lews Therin fled screaming’. Once, Aes Sedai so much as touching the One Power in his presence without his permission was like dancing on a minefield.

Now… he stands calmly, shielded and within the Tower itself, the stronghold of the Aes Sedai, of his own free will (and that’s it, isn’t it; that’s what truly makes all the difference in so many ways).

Also a bit of a random comparison but I can’t help but be reminded of Taim walking into Caemlyn to claim Rand’s amnesty, guarded and distrusted and hated by pretty much everyone around him and yet appearing, himself, all but unaffected by it.

“Well, what did he look like, then?”

“Honestly, Siuan? He looked like an Aes Sedai.”

Well. Lews Therin was. In an even older sense of the title.

And if we’re looking at the title itself, and its meaning… servant of all is sort of in the job description of a messiah figure, in a way.

I like how we’re reminded that, because of her Talent for seeing ta’veren, Rand literally glows to Siuan’s eyes. Which means the Dragon Reborn, the chosen one, the saviour, having now fully embraced his role, is walking into the Tower literally haloed in light. There’s just a tiny bit of religious symbolism here, is what I’m getting at.

I also – for all that I’m still hoping for a glimpse of Rand through Egwene’s eyes – am very very happy with the choice to show this through Siuan’s POV. Because in so many ways it is a reflection of that scene in TGH where he is summoned to the Amyrlin, and she gets her first look at the boy who will be the Dragon but does not yet know it, and tells him what his role will be, and he surprises her in his stubbornness and strength but still does not truly accept what she says.

Now, we get the Dragon Reborn calling for an audience with the Amyrlin, having finally and truly embraced the full reality of that role. The first was, in a way, to set his path. This, then, feels almost like closing it. And in between those bookends was that long, fraught journey towards acceptance.

Me? Obsessed with symmetry and reflection in a narrative? Never.

She froze as he met her eyes. There was something indefinable about them, a weight, an age. As though the man behind them was seeing through the light of a thousand lives compounded into one. His face did look like that of an Aes Sedai. Those eyes, at least, had agelessness.

This is one of the things I just absolutely love about outsider POV: the way it allows you to almost re-experience the full weight of what you already know. To be able to almost… soft-reset, and then open your eyes and have the impact of it all over again. None of this is news, really, to a reader who has seen Rand atop Dragonmount, or even in the first chapter of this book. But we get it again anyway, because for one thing it’s fun and for another it just serves to highlight what he looks like to one who does not have the privilege of being in his head (not that that’s… a particularly exclusive list these days, but that’s beside the point).

And it’s also interesting how this doesn’t humanise Rand in the perception of others – he’s still very much in the position of being seen more as a force of nature than a person – but the tone and the effect are so very different to before, for instance when he was lost or in pain or just desperate (or all of the above) and yet perceived as arrogant, inhuman, even monstrous. There’s still this sense of… not being seen as just a person, being seen more in the heroic lines and angles of power and weight of legend, but the difference, I think, is that Rand himself accepts it now. It is now a part of who he is, and a part of him he accepts, and embraces, and steps willingly into.

It also gives him some rather extraordinary weight of personality so making his way through a crowd of Warders is a piece of cake. See, sometimes being the chosen one has its benefits.

“And Siuan Sanche. You’ve changed since we last met.”

Oh. Okay yeah the fact that we get him saying this to her, rather than the other way around, is a really, really excellent way of just subtly shifting the entire balance of power – not even quite power; something else I can’t think of a good word for – of the scene.

It's the way it takes the way this scene is so neatly set up to be a bookend of that first meeting between them, and just… flips the obvious line on its axis. It’s still there, we’re still on script, but it’s ever so slightly not what you expect, and that difference itself becomes the point. Because Rand is no longer the object of the scene; he is very much its subject. The assignment of agency and proactivity has shifted (he has chosen, now, rather than been chosen; a semantic shift that makes perhaps literally all the difference in the world), and this is just a really cool way to play with that.

If that made any sense.

“You once took an arrow for me. Did I thank you for that?”

This… this gentleness is absolutely killing me and we’re only a few lines into his actual appearance in this chapter. The way it’s no longer forced, or agonised, or desperate, or serving only as a sharp contrast to either anger or apathy to remind you of who he once was. Instead it’s just… there. Without brittleness or the aching sense of something lost. There’s just a weird kind of beauty in the simplicity of this, in how it’s just… him, without any of the hundred things waiting to shatter beneath that statement.

Maybe that’s it; the gentleness that doesn’t feel like the precursor to shattering glass. The way this isn’t a veiled threat, or a barb, or a forced admission, or a conversational gambit. Just thanks, remembered honestly and offered freely and that’s… it.

(Moiraine once took a Forsaken for you, Rand. Be sure to thank her for that too).

Anyway, Siuan sings Egwene’s praises as Amyrlin, of course, and apparently everything Rand says or does in this chapter is going to just get me because:

He smiled again. “I should have expected nothing less. Strange, but I feel that seeing her again will hurt, though that is one wound that has well and truly healed. I can still remember the pain of it, I suppose.”

Again it’s just the gentleness that pervades all of this, where once there was turmoil and pain and a rage in him fit to burn the world, or else terrifying coldness and absence and a distant voice screaming. It’s like everything has finally fallen silent and only then do you realise how loud everything was before, and how maddening. Just… Rand being able to smile simply, and feel and express emotions in the normal human range.

And that sense of… wonder, almost, that you get from him at that fact. It’s—there is very much a rebirth kind of feel to a lot of this, because a part of it is that Rand is very, very aware of where he has just come from and where he stands now. That’s the whole point: to get to this, he had to choose it and realise it and open his eyes, I suppose. And so now he’s seeing everything through that new filter (or perhaps without the noise of the old one) and there’s a kind of beautiful simplicity and something like but also entirely unlike innocence to it.

Tiana has a letter for him with a red seal… one of Verin’s, maybe? If so, Rand sure has a track record with Aes Sedai and letters left to him. She did have several, when we saw her with Mat… and I struggle to think of who else would have left one. Cadsuane, maybe?

“Do your best to calm Egwene when I am done,” he said to Siuan. Then he took a deep breath and strode forward

CHILDREN. ALL OF THEM. That, right there, for probably the first time this book, is absolutely 100% a glimpse of Rand al’Thor, Woolheaded Sheepherder, and you cannot convince me otherwise.

Wise, gentle, reconciled to his role, remembering his past life and accepting who he is… and still taking a deep breath and making contingency plans before going to a stubborn-off with his former childhood sweetheart. I’m laughing.

*

OH IT’S EGWENE, WE DO GET TO SEE THIS IN EGWENE’S POV, YES THIS IS EVERYTHING I WANTED.

This was not Rand al’Thor, friend of her childhood, the man she’d assumed she’d one day marry.

Oh no, just start right out with a gut-punch why don’t you. No, Egwene, he is.

Except… he also isn’t, and that’s the sad part. But if this is to work, I still think that’s going to be the key: that they know—knew—each other as people. Except now Egwene is deliberately telling herself not to do that, and while it’s understandable it’s… that way lies the end of the Second Age.

No. This man was the Dragon Reborn. The most dangerous man ever to draw breath.

This hurts me in exactly the way I was hoping it would.

Just as Rand has finally accepted himself, and in some ways come back to himself (not quite, because you can’t go back you can only go forwards as the Wheel of Time turns, but he’s no longer forcing everything about who he was away), Egwene is forcing herself to see him as anything but that. As just the Dragon Reborn, legend and monster and saviour and destroyer. It’s a perfect mis-alignment of timings.

(Egwene is steeling herself, just as Rand has finally stopped trying to become steel).

“Egwene,” Rand said

IT’S! ABOUT! THE NAMES!

She’s thinking of him, emphatically, as the Dragon Reborn… but the dialogue tag betrays her. We are in her POV and as soon as he speaks, he is Rand.

And the first word he says is her name. Not ‘Mother’ or ‘Amyrlin’, not the opening of some request or demand. Just… ‘Egwene’.

He is the Dragon Reborn, come to see the Amyrlin—he asked for the Amyrlin—and she is the Amyrlin steeling herself to face the Dragon Reborn and yet in the first moment, when that silence of waiting is broken, they are Rand and Egwene and—

I just. Maybe I’m reading too much into this but it’s perfect and it hurts and I love it.

(Names are important).

He nodded to her, as if in respect. “You have done your part, I see. The Amyrlin’s stole fits you well.”

WHY DOES THIS HURT ME? WHY AM I EXPERIENCING AN EMOTION?

They’ve both just come so far and through so much and they hardly even know one another anymore, and there’s this almost-but-not-quite uncertainty and almost-but-not-quite familiarity, and yet it feels not like the anticipation before an ‘everything goes wrong’ moment but instead the anticipation of… maybe, finally, finding their way back to something? Or forwards, I suppose. It’s like the tentative formality of meeting someone for the first time in years, unsure of them and of yourself and of everything that’s happened in the interim but there’s something weirdly hopeful about it.

Maybe I’m just so used to liveblogging pain that I don’t know what to do with myself when it’s not there, except in echoes and memories and all the space that has grown between them, but this is like… a hand offered across that intervening space.

From what she had heard of Rand recently, she had not anticipated such calm in him.

I mean. That’s… fair.

Well, or she might have been led to anticipate a very different kind of calm. The calm of ice or cuendillar that could in an instant become, you know, balefiring an entire fortress out of existence.

Maybe save your musings on whether or not he’s a criminal for whatever passes as a Geneva Convention in this world, Egwene. We don’t have time to unpack all of that right now.

“What has happened to you?” she found herself asking as she leaned forward on the Amyrlin Seat.

“I was broken,” Rand said, hands behind his back. “And then, remarkably, I was reforged. I think he almost had me, Egwene.”

HELP.

THIS IS JUST.

I… wow. What do I even do with this?

Just as the first word out of his mouth was her name, and her first thought of him was as Rand… now, despite sitting on the Amyrlin Seat—which we are quite literally reminded of here, and I don’t think that’s accidental—her first words are… call it concern, call it curiosity, call it demand, call it accusation even, but that’s not Amyrlin to Dragon Reborn there. That’s not the opening of negotiations or a summons or a meeting. That’s Egwene, looking at Rand. It’s like Nynaeve in TFoH reaching for him almost instinctively and saying ‘at least let me Heal you’.

And then Rand’s response!

‘I was broken’. Such a simple statement for so, so much more. And yet… that’s what it is. It’s the simplicity, again, that gets me. The simplicity and the self-awareness and the way he can look at it now, with that sense of removal, but this time not because he’s walled himself off from the pain; instead, he lets himself feel it but he has accepted its reason and its source and its necessity. He’s no longer fighting against himself, and that lets him bear so much more, because so much of that pain came from that battle against himself, and from the fear of what he might become.

He spent so long trying to forge himself into steel, but in the end that’s not the reforging he needed. And now he knows that, and sees it, and there’s just something about a character who can stand on the far side of their own breaking and their own agony and speak of it calmly, whole.

It's just an entire situation I’m having here.

And that last bit. ‘I think he almost had me’. The memory of ‘it is HIM’. And the fact that Rand can see that too, now; can see how close he came to the Shadow without ever turning from the Light, and understand that nuance.

But also… there is still one very glaring loose end there: Rand has used the True Power. Sure, he doesn’t seem particularly… uh… compromised by that at this point, but I still just cannot imagine that won’t be brought back in some way.

He spoke differently. There was a formality to his words that she didn’t recognise.

And then it’s lines like this that keep this scene from being… to perfect? Not in terms of execution, but in terms of ‘things going well and painlessly for characters’. Because there is still a sadness to this, to Rand and Egwene looking at one another (and naming one another!) and seeing the person behind the role, and looking for the person they knew, and yet also still seeing elements of a stranger.

Because they have changed. Neither of them is at all the child they were when they left Emond’s Field, and there is so much between them now, and that connection they have is worn and thinned and this isn’t a joyful reunion. There’s catharsis here, and a tentative possibility of peace or friendship, but there’s also this recognition, each to each, of how much of what used to be is now gone. They’ve both been hardened and shaped by their experiences and they both know it and recognise it in each other—perhaps in part because they both also very clearly by this point recognise it in themselves.

“Why have you come before the Amyrlin Seat?” she asked.

And now we get the opening of Amyrlin-to-Dragon. But that’s not where we began. We began with Rand and Egwene, and I’ll shut up about it in a minute but this whole play of naming and identity is one of those little things that gets me pretty much every time it turns up in a story.

“I’ve hated you before,” Rand said, turning back to Egwene.

I’M FINE! THIS IS FINE!

Yes I am quoting pretty much every line of dialogue in this scene but LISTEN, IT HURTS ME.

The thing is, this is a statement utterly without malice. It’s not a threat or an insult—not even the childish sort of insult they might have exchanged last time they met. It’s… really, the only word that comes to mind is a confession.

Which plays into one of the features of Rand’s character that stands out so far in the brief moments we’ve seen him in this book: genuine self-knowledge, and self-knowledge that he fully accepts. There is no longer any remnant of denial.

And that allows him to make statements like this and have them come across as, weirdly, almost benevolent. Nothing he has said is said with the intent to deceive, or to wound, or even really to manipulate. It’s just truth—and truth that he himself fully understands and accepts now.

So he’s not fighting against her out of fear of being caught up in Aes Sedai strings, just as he’s not fighting against Lews Therin’s memories out of fear of being caught up in Kinslayer’s fate. Instead of fighting against everything up to and including himself, he’s just… him.

“It occurs to me that I’ve been trying too hard.”

That’s exactly it. He’s been fighting, when in some ways what he needed was to learn how (and where, and when) to surrender. Though even ‘surrender’ connotes a struggle or a conflict, and I think a lot of this realisation is that it’s not about fighting or forcing or struggling; it’s about accepting, and guiding, and leading. And choosing, of course.

“A fear that the acts I accomplished would be yours, and not my own.” He hesitated. “I should have wished for such a convenient set of backs upon which to heap the blame for my crimes.”

Wow. Okay, that’s… a line.

Um.

Damn.

It’s almost ironic, the way he instead tried to heap all the responsibility on himself and take all that blame and pain, and let it damn him and in doing so tried to pretend it freed him to act as he needed, no longer held back by such trivial concerns as humanity and his own conscience or sense of redeemability. But ultimately it came down to the same thing, in a way: an inability to accept what he was doing, and so trying to find a place to put all that pain.

(Or, as Lews Therin once advised, ‘If it hurts too much, make it hurt someone else instead’).

But now he sees that, too, and so instead of trying to escape the pain or treat it as ‘I’m damned either way so may as well burn it all’, he understands his responsibility but in a more… balanced way, I suppose.

The Dragon Reborn had come to the White Tower to engage in idle philosophy

Moridin? That you?

I do sort of wonder, because I’m me, what impact, if any, Rand’s epiphany might (or could; I don’t really expect the story to go there, much as I might wish it to) have on Moridin, given the link they share.

“Rand,” Egwene said, softening her tone.

And now we get the reflection of the names from the opening of this conversation! It’s about the names! It’s about the dialogue tags! It’s about identity and perception and that thread of friendship that still binds them and might in the end be enough to save them from their predecessors’ fate!

“I’m going to have some sisters talk to you to decide if there is anything… wrong with you. Please try to understand.”

I mean you could not have phrased that less tactfully if you tried, Egwene, but it is kind of understandable. We may know full well that there’s less wrong with Rand now than there has been at pretty much any point since the start of the series, but how in the Light would anyone else be able to be sure of that? He’s certainly not acting like the Rand Egwene once knew, or even the Rand she last saw. Nor is he behaving like the Rand from whatever reports she’s received.

And yes, while I think the world waiting and watching for him to go mad hurt far more than it helped, there’s also the fact that that is what everyone and their mother expects—because up until what, a few months ago, that was inevitable.

So then in walks the Dragon Reborn, acting like… well, this, and what else are you going to do? A bit like the cleansing of saidin, as a reader you want all the other characters to just take it on faith, but the rather sad irony of Rand’s position is that his own word is the one no one is entirely sure they can trust. And the only one here who can vouch for him is himself. Elayne or Aviendha or Min might be able to, but none of them is nearby, and also that bond’s been kept pretty quiet.

So anyway. Yeah, I can see where she’s coming from on that.

To his credit, so can Rand.

“Oh, I do understand, Egwene. And I am sorry to deny you, but I have too much to do.”

There’s the woolheaded sheepherder again. He’s smiling here, and I am quite sure this is a bit of the old Rand dropping by to say hello and needle Egwene just a bit, because that’s what they do.

“A friend rides to his death without allies.”

HE NAMED YOU FRIEND. AND NOW YOU REMEMBER HIM. THIS IS FINE I’M FINE EVERYTHING’S FINE.

“This is the part I regret. I did not wish to come into your centre of power, which you have achieved so well, and defy you. But it cannot be helped. You must know what my plans are so that you can prepare.”

To be able to say that without so much as the hit of a threat in it is… quite a power move, I have to say. Because even here, I think he’s still just being absolutely and even benevolently honest. He doesn’t want to undermine her. He doesn’t even really want to challenge her. He understands where she’s coming from – which itself puts us so, so far from where he was just days ago, that he can meet her uncertainty and suspicion and say ‘okay yeah, that’s fair’.

And if he had time, I wonder if he might actually agree to that particular request.

But he doesn’t have time. Which brings us to the other extraordinary part of this statement: willingly offering up communication. Just. Straight up saying ‘you need to know my plans’. Mark this date in your calendars, friends: a Wheel of Time character just offered, unprompted, voluntarily, to share their plans with another character, so that they can prepare.

I am astonished.

“The last time I tried to seal the Bore”

You know, just the other day.

“I believe that saidin and saidar must both be used.”

I think he’s absolutely right there—it’s a part of what I love about Rand and Egwene, childhood friends for all that they’ve grown apart, holding the roles that they do; the idea that this bond between them, strained as it is, could allow them to do what Lews Therin and Latra Posae could not—but I also… he shall hold a blade of light in his hands, and the three shall be one. I just… wonder.

Egwene leaned forward, studying him. There didn’t seem to be madness in his eyes. She knew those eyes. She knew Rand.

YES!

THIS IS EVERYTHING I WANTED! That she sees him. Looks past the Dragon Reborn, past her role as Amyrlin, and for a moment she is just Egwene looking at Rand and it is by nature such a simple thing—stripping away everything but that simple identity—but it’s also the thing that can give them a chance to do it differently this time. This chance of understanding, this one small thing that could tip them towards cooperation and trust rather than letting them turn away from each other or fall apart.

Light, she thought, I’m wrong. I can’t think of him only as the Dragon Reborn. I’m here for a reason. He’s here for a reason. To me, he must be Rand. Because Rand can be trusted, while the Dragon Reborn must be feared.

Maybe it’s very Sanderson to have this stated outright, but I’m not even going to complain, because it’s… perfect. To allow, in the end, trust and friendship and who they are rather than purely what they are come into it as well, even just in some small way, to bridge that gap. It’s what Lews Therin and Latra Posae couldn’t do, but Rand and Egwene have a chance to try again.

I just… have been spinning around on this EXACT CONCEPT for, I don’t know, several books now, and to see it playing out so plainly here is everything I want and I am never going to be okay again in my life.

“Which are you?” she whispered unconsciously.

He heard. “I am both, Egwene. I remember him. Lews Therin. I can see his entire life, every desperate moment. I see it like a dream, but a clear dream. My own dream. It’s part of me.”

It’s a nice touch, that he speaks of it as a dream, to the one who understands dreams so well.

It’s also just a lot, to have gone from ‘so many parts of him, mind splintered in glittering shards, all of them screaming’ to ‘sorrows and his own suicide’ to a clear dream he accepts as a part of himself. The pain and desperation of it are still there, but he’s no longer fighting them, because he no longer sees it as something he’s bound to. It’s just a part of who he is, but it doesn’t have to define what he will be.

I also like this because Egwene was one of the first to notice him speaking to a voice in his mind. And now she gets this, just an honest and accepting response. It seems fitting, somehow.

The words were those of a madman, but they were spoken evenly. She looked at him, and remembered the youth that he had been. The earnest young man. Not solemn like Perrin, but not wild like Mat. Solid, straightforward. The type of man you could trust with anything.

Even the fate of the world.

THAT’S IT THAT’S IT RIGHT THERE. If they did not know each other, this could be an impasse. Not as disastrous as Rand’s meeting with Tuon, perhaps, because he’s a little… uh… less omnicidal at this particular moment, but likely just as unsuccessful. An Amyrlin who could not trust the Dragon, and a Dragon who could not afford to give her the assurances she needed, and so two powers working in parallel but separately, almost in opposition.

But she knows him. And it’s the youth he had been—it is LITERALLY THE MEMORY OF A SHEPHERD NAMED RAND AL’THOR, the echo of one of my favourite quotes—that tips the balance the other way this time.

It’s Rand. The boy he tried for so long to destroy, because to be him hurt too much.

And I also really love how it isn’t about some Grand True Love between them that does it. They were childhood sweethearts, sure, but the love between them is that of friends, of a shared childhood, of something very much like family. And I like that there’s this implicit importance and weight placed on that; that in its way it’s as crucial to this moment as the ‘veins of gold’ were on Dragonmount

This is what Latra Posae and Lews Therin had. And so instead it falls to Egwene and Rand, to learn from their mistakes, and do what they could not. It is what Rand realised on Dragonmount, and what he is playing out now. A chance to try again.

And it’s because he’s Rand that that’s possible. It’s not Lews Therin, or the Dragon Reborn (but it is also both of those, because he is both of those).

“In one month’s time,” Rand said, “I’m going to travel to Shayol Ghul and break the last remaining seals on the Dark One’s prison. I want your help.”

Well. I mean. Okay. Points for honest and straightforward communication, I suppose. I love that he just walks into the Tower and drops this on her like a grenade, though. It amuses me.

Ah, so she thinks the crystal sphere in her dream represents the seals or the prison as well.

“Rand, no”

Rand: Rand yes!

Sorry, couldn’t help myself.

“I’m going to need you, all of you”

Rand openly admitting to needing anyone or anything, and again just as a statement rather than a threat or an angry demand, is another thing that’s new and kind of refreshing.

“I hope to the Light that this time, you will give me your support.”

Rand to Egwene, remembering Lews Therin to Latra Posae. And if everyone is someone reborn, who’s to say she isn’t? (I’m not… really sure whether I’d want that to be true or not, so I suppose it’s nice that it’s not stated one way or the other, at least up to this point. But it could be a fun one to play with). Either way, those very much are the roles they’re echoing, and I swear I’ll shut up about this but I still just love how, so closely following Rand’s realisation on Dragonmount, we get to actually watch that kind of chance-to-try-again play out. A chance to work together, rather than apart.

“And then… well, then we will discuss my terms.”

Ah well, I suppose it was too much to hope for him to communicate the whole plan right now. Baby steps and all that.

Also, you know, narrative choices and the need to keep at least something back.

“Your terms?” Egwene demanded. “You will see,” he said, turning as if to leave.

So… the way it’s framed puts us into very slightly antagonistic (and much more familiar) territory of lack of communication and demands and terms.

But I wonder what terms he’s referring to, because there is a nonzero probability that he’s talking about Callandor here. In which case, it’s not entirely impossible that the terms he’s referring to are, in effect, those of his own surrender.

I could be wrong. I very probably am. But it’s… an interesting possibility to consider. And it would be kind of fitting, in a way, for that to be the uncommunicated and therefore misunderstood thing here.

Turns out ‘the Amyrlin’s Anger’ is Egwene just shouting at her childhood friend ‘don’t you turn your back on me when I’m talking to you, Rand al’Thor’ and Rand turning back like a boy who tracked mud into the house. I love them, I really do.

“We must talk about this,” she said. “Plan.”

“That is why I came to you. To let you plan.”

He seemed amused.

Oh, he’s absolutely amused. Part of him still is the boy you knew, and this is honestly just classic Rand-and-Egwene, for all that it’s also on an entirely different level. They antagonise one another: it’s what they do. But I don’t think there’s true anger here, on either side. And again, that is what could save them. That ‘anger’ between them is… this, rather than that snapping of tension and dropping of any possibility of a truce and turning immediately to planning their next moves, all thought of alliance or restraint over, between Rand and Tuon.

Anyway. The other thing here is that… it’s easy to be exasperated with Egwene, because just listen to Rand, he’s sane now damn it, and he’s almost certainly right about the seals.

But honestly? In her position? Knowing what she knows—and not knowing all the things she doesn’t know, like the actual state of Rand’s mind—it’s hard to fault her for pushing back on this. He walks in, says he’s fine and that he remembers a dead man’s entire life and also that they need to break the prison of the embodiment of entropy and chaos and evil, okay bye!

Like. As Amyrlin, it’s her job to say ‘okay, right, I’m with you, but also what the fuck’. It would be irresponsible not to.

Of course… I get the impression Rand knows that, too. And is, perhaps, counting on it. He came to her to let her plan, and he doesn’t seem surprised or upset by the fact that she doesn’t just immediately say ‘okay cool when do we start’, and he has a certain respect for the position she holds.

I think it’s entirely possible this is what he wants from her. For her to plan. Because he doesn’t have time to. And because, just as she looks at him and sees someone she can trust with the fate of the world, he looks at her and sees someone he can trust with planning and logistics and getting the Aes Sedai to get themselves where he needs them. A kind of ‘this is what I’m going to do, now do whatever it is you need to do because I don’t need to micromanage and I also don’t have time to, okay see you at Tarmon Gai’don’.

“And so here we come to it,” Rand said.

Yeah, he saw this coming.

“Egwene al’Vere, Watcher of the Seals, Flame of Tar Valon, may I have your permission to withdraw?”

He asked it so politely. She couldn’t tell if he was mocking her or not.

The thing is, I really don’t think he is. It’s like how earlier he said he didn’t want to come into her place of power and undermine her. He’s giving her, I think, an honest gesture with genuine respect. Because now, at peace with himself as he is, it costs him nothing to do so. She is not his enemy, and I do think his respect for her is honest, and I think he still cares about her as a friend, and what does he lose by giving her a small bow and her titles and the opportunity to grant him permission to leave?

And of course Egwene is conflicted, because on the one hand she can’t keep him here like Elaida tried to, but on the other hand…

“I will not let you break the seals,” she said. “That is madness.”

“Then meet me at the place known as the Field of Merrilor, just to the north. We will talk before I go to Shayol Ghul. For now, I do not want to defy you, Egwene. But I must go.’

Ah. And so we have a battleground.

As for the rest… well. It’s not quite accord, but nor is it disaster. It’s not even quite a true impasse. There’s tension now, sure, but it’s a) not even in the same hemisphere as as bad as it would have been if Rand hadn’t had some alone time on a mountain to think, literally, about his life choices and b) not insurmountable.

And c) I still think there’s a very real chance this is all Rand actually needed or wanted out of this. Egwene now knows his plan and his timing and the battleground, and she can take care of the rest.

It’s almost—gasp—as if Rand al’Thor, Dragon Reborn, has truly learned to delegate.

The chamber was still enough for Egwene to hear the faint breeze making the rose window groan it its lead.

The wind, for Rand, against the rose, for the Aes Sedai. (Also, listen, I have not forgotten that Eldrene was the Rose of the Sun).

“Very well,” Egwene said. “But this is not ended, Rand.”

“There are no endings, Egwene.”

IT’S! ABOUT! THE NAMES!

They talk a big game about each other’s titles, and wonder if they’re really the person they each once knew, but they both open and closes with nothing but each other’s names, and it means absolutely everything.

Also, that’s… really not a bad outcome. Honestly, this could have been so much worse. Anger? Try ‘okay um that’s unexpected and I’m still not sure you’re not insane but…sure. Okay’.

Which really is all you need, right? It’s agreement with a bit of hesitation, and at this stage in the game that’s a damn victory.

Again, I can’t help but contrast it with that absolute catastrophe at Falme, and compared to that? This is just friends sticking their tongues out at each other on the way out. Rand knows he can count on Egwene to be there, at least. Will she agree with him when she arrives? Who knows. But that’s a problem for another time. For now, he at least knows she’ll go, and that’s all he can ask. And he can leave the rest of the planning in her hands.

And she knows what he’s planning, and knows he wants her as an ally, and can therefore make said plans.

I don’t think this is ended either, and I’m sure there’s plenty of potential conflict to come, but this was, all things considered, really kind of impressive in its lack of explosions.

(Also, ‘there are no endings’. Now who’s giving Aes Sedai answers, Rand? As well as probably spoilers for the last line of the series. Rude.)

Oh, interesting. So Rand’s ta’veren hyperdrive powers pretty much literally froze all the other Aes Sedai in place. Because this needed to be a meeting between Rand and Egwene. Because of their roles, yes, but also because of that thread of connection they still share. And so it had to be the two of them, because that was the only chance of this working at all.

Egwene frowned. She hadn’t felt it that way. Perhaps because she thought of him as Rand.

I… yeah. Because that’s what he needed: to have this conversation with someone who could see him. Even then, it barely came out to something almost resembling accord. They needed that small weight on the scales, to have that chance. And so she was free, because it was the Dragon Reborn, and not Rand, who was holding the others silent, in a way.

Or at least that’s how I’m reading this because it plays into my entire thing for names and identity and perception, and the importance thereof.

“We need to discuss his words. The Hall of the Tower will reconvene in one hour’s time for discussion.”

Which, really, is exactly what they need to be doing. Now they have the information, and they can figure out… a battle plan, I suppose. Okay. We’re there now. We have a place and a time (this place, this day, which of course is followed by the lesser sadness, yes I remember sequences of chapter titles why are you looking at me like that) and the beginnings of a plan. I’m… it’s been five years and I’m not entirely ready for this.

“And someone follow to make sure he really leaves.”

You’re just afraid he’ll find some way to prank you on his way out, don’t lie.

“Then how? How do we stop him?”

That, Silviana, is not the question you need to be asking. I mean, I get it. I really do. And I’m not sure how they could not think that, at least initially. But… the time for working against each other’s aims, when you are all on the same side, is over.

“We need allies,” Egwene said.

Which, again, I think is precisely the point. That is something it makes absolute sense for Rand to delegate to the Amyrlin Seat, who has the power and the standing to gather allies and play the games of politics, and bring her portion of the Forces of the Light to… the Field of Merrilor, I suppose.

She took a deep breath. “He might be persuaded by people that he trusts.” Or he might be forced to change his mind if confronted by a large enough group united to stop him.

Oh, Egwene, no. You can’t be another Latra Posae.

But perhaps it would be too easy for this to actually just be their only not-quite-conflict. I still think it was more a success than a failure, all told, and I stand by everything I said about the importance of their friendship in letting them see each other, but I think we’re looking at one final testing of that, before the end.

Next (ToM ch 4) Previous (ToM ch 2)

[i-am-the-inksinger]

My entry for The Purple Room's 2019 Random Romance Challenge, wherein each participant was assigned a randomly generated romance title and asked to write a PG-13 fic based on it. My prompt was, "Nymphs with Blonde Hair."

Warnings for recreational drug and alcohol use, aphrodisiacs, allusions to public sex, morally bankrupt elves, and a dash of mild fantastic racism.

___

Somewhere between his third puff off the hookah and sixth (seventh?) glass of plum wine, Thassarian had become convinced that Koltira had invited him to Quel'Thalas largely in an attempt to kill him.

Now, he couldn't say for sure why the ranger had decided to kill him, or why he couldn't have just slit his throat and been done with it, but between Thassarian's sudden hypersensitivity to sound and the warm, increasingly uncomfortable throb of his loins, it was the only logical conclusion to be drawn.

Normally neither of these afflictions would be any big deal - the sound sensitivity could be taken care of easily enough by simply removing himself to someplace quieter, and the sudden rigidity in his trousers could have been dealt with either on his own or with Koltira's expert assistance. In fact, both could have been managed, under normal circumstances, by simply absconding with Koltira to some quiet, out-of-the-way little nook or backroom for an hour or three. Surely Koltira would have paid mind to the way Thassarian winced at every word or sound that went beyond the acceptable volume for a private conversation. The elf could be a sadist in bed, but he wasn't a monster.

Or… so Thassarian had believed, in any event. Now, settled in a back corner of a pleasure house whose name he couldn't recall - one of dozens littered throughout Dawnspire, if Koltira was at all to be believed anymore - with his ears ringing, his pants becoming more uncomfortably tight by the minute, and surrounded on all sides by laughing, canoodling elves (and one dwarf, who looked not at all as terrified as Thassarian felt,) he was beginning to wonder if perhaps he had been mistaken all along about Koltira.

Maybe this had been Koltira's plan all along: Seduce some poor, helpless young soldier until he was practically eating out of the elf's hands, then lure him to his death by hookah smoke and drugged wine in the middle of an elvish brothel as some sort of mad ranger sport.

At least… he thought the wine was probably drugged. Then again, he'd never had plum wine before, so maybe it was just the tobacco in the hookah that he was reacting to - only he'd had tobacco before, chewed it and smoked it through wood pipes, so that couldn't be right, could it?

Perhaps the tobacco was drugged. Could hookah tobacco be drugged…?

There was a chuckle at his side, low and sultry in a manner that did nothing at all to help the… issue… in his trousers. Equally unhelpful was the languid shift of the warm, lithe body next to him, or the sudden wash of warm, wine-sweet breath across his ear as Koltira leaned much too close to him.

“Still with us, Thassarian?” Koltira asked, and Light, if his voice didn't sound like so much warm honey being poured from a perfect, handcrafted jar…

“Oh, he's with you, certainly,” another elf said - Jarrod, Thassarian thought. Another of Koltira's ranger friends, redheaded and ruddy-skinned and too damn loud. “Look at him. He's practically falling apart at the seams.”

“Maybe we should have warned him about the hookah.” That was a woman, speaking from somewhere behind Koltira. “Smoulder is a pretty strong blend, and you said he's new to this.”

“He's fine,” Koltira said, leaning away from Thassarian just enough to let a burst of cool air blow between them. Then he leaned close again, and asked in a softer tone: “You're fine, right? Still in there?”

His head felt light, and for some reason he had a bit of difficulty tracking movement with his eyes, but somehow Thassarian managed to turn to look at Koltira and, with all the dignity and poise he could muster, actually answered his question.

“Uhm,” Thassarian said, sounding quite confident to his own badly ringing ears. Then, because it felt important that this be clarified, he added, “Should I… be able to smell the color purple right now?”

It was a nice smell, purple, only he was relatively certain he hadn't previously been able to smell any colors. He was also relatively certain that this new development should perhaps bother him significantly more than it currently did.

“That depends,” another elf commented from across the low table, scratching his honey-colored goatee thoughtfully. “What's it smell like?”

Thassarian considered that.

“Kind of sweet,” he said after a moment. “Like… like honeysuckle and sandalwood. And tobacco.”

“Purple smells like tobacco, hm?” The elf - Thaerin, wasn't it? Saerin? Saeros? - nodded very seriously. “We've learned something new today.”

The dwarf across the room whooped suddenly, her fiery braids flying wildly about as she and a black-haired she-elf went toppling sideways across the cushioned booth they shared.

The ruckus they stirred up carried easily over the din of the bustling pleasure house and was soon followed by a swell of drunken leers and laughter, and Thassarian's ears rang painfully with the noise - though he was pleased to see that he didn't seem to be the only one unhappy with the commotion. Three of his four elvish companions cringed, as well; if the lady elf with them reacted, Thassarian couldn't see it with Koltira sitting where he was. They'd all smoked off the same hookah, though, and for all the wine Thassarian had drunk, at least two of the elves had had more still. He knew Koltira had downed at least an entire bottle on his own.

“Maybe we should go somewhere a bit… quieter,” Koltira said, still wincing. His long, slender ears were pinned back against his head in clear agitation, and his body no longer lay slumped quite so fluidly against Thassarian's side.

“We have a room reserved,” the lady elf commented. “Upstairs - if nothing else, we can try to wait out all the noise,” she added, and somehow she sounded doubtful.

“It'd be a waste of a room,” Jarrod snorted. “Sit around and do… what? Play pachisi until everyone else screws each other into a drunken coma?”

The throb in Thassarian's loins picked up at that, deep and intense enough that he was sure he could feel his face twisting in response - not so much from the discomfort, but from the sudden need that came with it.

Was sex an option…?

Koltira twitched beside him, and his long ears began to turn a wonderful, peachy shade of pink at the tips as he shot Thassarian a pointed look.

“Well, we could always have a go at each other,” the lady elf was saying. She still sounded uncertain. “Only… we went and got Koltira's human all turned about. I'd hate to take advantage.”

“I wouldn't,” Thassarian heard himself say through the low thrumming in his ears.

Four elvish heads craned about to fix him with looks that ranged from incredulous to deeply contemplative, and Thassarian found himself thoroughly distracted by their gleaming, crystalline eyes. Like stars, they were - bright, clever stars, far too clever for something so very pretty--

“Wouldn't… what, exactly?” Koltira asked, leaning close again and looking up at Thassarian through his long, pale eyelashes. There was something endearing about the expression on his face, and Thassarian suddenly had to work very hard not to lean down and plant a soft kiss on the elf's full lips… though, at the moment, he wasn't sure why he was resisting the urge at all. Propriety was a foreign, half-forgotten concept, and nothing else occurred to him at all that might be a decent reason not to simply pounce Koltira and be done with it.

Perhaps it was muscle memory. Damn the thing.

“I wouldn't mind,” Thassarian said, low and careful, “being taken advantage of, just at the moment.”

Koltira's eyes darkened with lust, and Thassarian very nearly lost the battle to refrain from snapping forward and pinning Koltira back against the cushions. He succeeded only because Koltira beat him to the punch, lunging forward and claiming his lips in a kiss that was mostly teeth while his momentum sent them both tumbling across the booth in a heap.

Like a dam bursting, the throbbing, driving heat in his loins spread into his limbs all at once, inflaming him as all the world began to blur away into a thick haze. All he could register now were the sharp teeth at his lips, and the hands sliding up his shirt and down beneath the waistband of his trousers, and the swift-burning heat that seared his flesh in their wake.

“Well, isn't this a lovely sight to stumble across.”

Koltira startled, then shoved away with a hiss. Thassarian followed suit; he didn't quite recognize the voice that had spoken, but he was in elf lands and trusted Koltira enough besides to follow his lead when the ranger started acting like a cat on a hot tin roof.

The other elves at their table were as stock-still as Koltira, and when he followed their guilty looks to the cause Thassarian understood why. It probably wasn't every day that a ranger captain came along to watch them canoodle in the back of a pleasure house, let alone their own captain. Halduron Brightwing might be rumored to be one of the most laid-back elves among the Ranger Corps, but he was respected and feared in equal measure - with good reason, if any trace of Koltira's horror stories were to be believed.

That Halduron was smiling gently down at them didn't help matters one bit.

“Captain… Brightwing,” the lady elf managed to choke out. “Er… Good afternoon, sir.”

“And a happy Feast to you,” Halduron returned, and his gentle smile widened to show perhaps a few too many teeth as he turned his attention squarely on the lady elf.

The lady elf's ears flicked nervously, and she couldn't seem to manage more than an uncomfortable fluttering of her eyelashes before Halduron turned back to the group at large.

“You certainly seem to be making the most of your holiday,” Halduron said, sliding down onto a cushion between Saeros and Jarrod and looking so at ease that, for just a moment, Thassarian decided the other elves were simply overreacting. Surely their captain was just here to check in, or perhaps toss back some wine or take a drag from the hookah.

And then Halduron's sharp, silvery-blue gaze flicked to Thassarian, and Thassarian dazedly marveled at the speed with which his life passed before his eyes.

“And I see you've invited a friend along this year,” Halduron continued, and the winsome, ostensibly welcoming look he trained on Thassarian sent a prickle of genuine unease racing down the latter’s spine. “Thassarian, wasn't it? How wonderful to see you again! I hope the festivities haven't been too… extravagant for you; we tend to be rather enthusiastic about our springtime holidays, and you wouldn't be the first outsider caught off guard by it all.”

Thassarian blinked.

“I, uh…” Damn the drugs and damn his tongue. Maybe Halduron would be merciful and kill him quickly if he stammered long enough.

Halduron grinned, and again Thassarian was struck by the impression that the expression was toothier than it strictly needed to be as the captain laughed and said, “I see you've already had a hit or two from the hookah. I hope my men haven't given you anything too potent; you don't strike me as the smoking type.”

“Naw,” Thassarian said, slurring his consonants and slipping into a light drawl as he scrambled to sound as relaxed as Halduron looked. “I smoke a wood pipe back ‘ome. ‘M jus’ not used to… uh… think they called it ‘smoulder’…”

Four elvish heads ducked back as though they'd had flicked with cold water; beside him, Thassarian distinctly heard Koltira make a soft, keening little whine in the back of his throat, sounding like nothing so much as a dog nursing a bad leg as Halduron's eyes flashed with sudden interest.

“They gave you Smoulder?” Halduron asked, leaning forward just a hair. “Really? How do you find it?”

Thassarian considered that for a moment, largely because he had to figure out what the grinning elf sitting across from him meant by “finding it.”

“Kinda sweet,” he finally said. “Smoky-sweet. Pretty good stuff, actually; think I took a couple hits of it,” he added with a grin. There; surely that would put Halduron at ease, right? It wasn't like his rangers had forced anything nefarious on Thassarian. He'd sucked down whatever blend they were burning all under his own power, completely of his own volition.

Halduron grinned again at Thassarian's companions.

“This must be a gentler blend of Smoulder than I'm familiar with,” Halduron said, catching and holding the gaze of each ranger in their turn, “if you all thought it a good idea to let him take multiple draws of it - alongside a serving or three of wine, no less, from the looks of your table.”

The silence that settled around the group became thick, nearly palpable, and suddenly none of the other elves seemed able to meet Halduron's bright eyes any longer.

Thassarian frowned as he took in their behavior, and slowly began to wonder if perhaps he should not have mentioned what kind of tobacco he'd been smoking. Somehow he had the impression that Halduron wasn't as unconcerned by the information as he looked, and by now Koltira and the other elves all looked as though they were about twenty second from receiving a death sentence.

Maybe it was wiser not to correct the captain's guess about the amount of wine he'd had to drink…

“Shall I take your silence as a ‘no,’ then?” Halduron asked, and for all he sounded friendly, even conspiratorial, Thassarian imagined he heard the slightest edge to the captain's voice.

Four sets of red-tipped ears pinned back uncomfortably, but it was Saeros who ultimately spoke up.

“It, ah,” the blond stammered. “It's… the usual stuff, Captain. Same amount. Same, ah… potency.”

Addled as he was by the heat still slogging through his veins, even Thassarian could guess that this was a bad thing to have admitted to Halduron. They should really have tried lying to the captain, although it was probably too late to change tack now.

“In their defense, they all smoked it, too,” Thassarian put in, because surely if he knew everybody here was intoxicated, Halduron would be less inclined to think badly of his rangers.

Koltira made the whining noise again, and this time Thassarian distinctly felt a long fingernail jab him urgently just under the ribs.

Halduron turned another gentle smile on Thassarian, and this time the prickle it sent along the human's spine was one of fear.

“Oh, dear, we have been naughty,” Halduron said once the silence had grown uncomfortable, and now his voice was soft, too - soft like steam coming off a cup of hot cider, soft like the clearest and last warning anyone was going to get before one wrong word brought disaster down upon their heads.

Thassarian chewed down on the inside of his cheek and resolved to stop talking.

Halduron shifted, drawing one knee up to prop under his arm and leaning back on his other hand as he watched the group squirm for another moment. Desperate not to meet the man's shining gaze again, Thassarian let his attention wander to the rest of the pleasure house. Nobody else seemed even to notice that Halduron was here; the rest of the place was still alive with rowdy laughter and drunken canoodling. The dwarf lady was sandwiched now between two very enthusiastic elves where she lay sprawled across a low table, and yet it still seemed that she was the one in control as they…

Thassarian swallowed hard and looked away, but the look had already done its damage, stoking the warmth in his loins once more and making his limbs feel at once leaden and weightless as he looked down at the innocuous table before him.

It was a nice table. Good, sturdy wood, well-polished and soft under his calloused hand, low enough to the floor that it might almost be a bed frame rather than a place to eat - although, of course, there was quite an array of delicacies surrounding him either way, and he could imagine they were all simply bursting with warmth and sweetness…

There was a loud slap of skin against wood, and Thassarian jerked out of his spiraling thoughts to see Halduron leaning forward and smiling at him again, starlike eyes glittering from under a pair of delicately sweeping eyebrows raised nearly to his hairline.

“Stay with us, Thassarian,” the captain ordered, and… and yes, it did register as an order, just enough for Thassarian's spine to straighten of its own accord, though the throbbing lower down didn't relent in the slightest as Halduron continued, “We don't want you making a mess of yourself out in front of the whole house.”

“…Right,” Thassarian muttered, scratching at his jaw in an attempt to distract himself from thoughts of messiness.

“I would imagine the same is true of your friends,” Halduron added, though his gaze rested squarely on Koltira as he spoke. “I'm quite certain none of them intended to drag you into a drug-addled orgy in the middle of such a crowded space. Behind closed doors, maybe, but certainly not in the middle of the lounge in one of Dawnspire's busiest pleasure houses - on one of the most ardent days of the year, no less.”

Somebody whooped from the dwarf’s table, and one of Halduron's long ears twitched ever so slightly towards the sound.

“We aren't dwarves, after all,” Halduron said, the corner of his mouth twitching for an instant. “Nor noble-bred idiots with more silk than we know what to do with. We ought to at least pretend to have some scrap of dignity.”

We. He kept saying we, and try as he might Thassarian couldn't help but be distracted by that tiny little detail.

“We did have a room reserved.” That was the lady elf, speaking up again for the first time since Halduron had arrived. “We were about to head for it, only…”

“We were… distracted,” Koltira said.

His voice seemed to shudder through Thassarian's very bones. With its passing, what little sense Thassarian had left evaporated again, and he moved to close with Koltira once more - only to stop as Koltira placed a firm hand against his chest and shook his head. Confusion, more than any conscious decision to behave, kept Thassarian pinned in place. Why was Koltira stopping him…?

“Ah,” Halduron said, though he sounded much farther away as Thassarian stared hard at Koltira's reddened face. “I see the problem: We have a mated pair in our midst.”

Koltira's blush spread down to his lithe neck, and were it not for the hand he kept against Thassarian's chest the human might lean down to steal a kiss or three along the corded muscles there. Koltira certainly didn't look as though he would have minded…

Someone clapped their hands, once and loudly so, and the sound was just enough to startle Thassarian back to reality, even if only for an instant.

“Right then,” Halduron said, rising to his feet and beckoning for the group to follow him. “Let's us be off, hmm? It seems as though Thassarian can't hold out much longer, and I think it might be cruel to try to make him. Show me this room you've got, and let's try not to take the scenic route, if it can at all be helped.”

“You're… coming along?” Jarrod asked, pausing as he helped Thassarian to his feet to stare at Halduron.

“I think it might be wise,” Halduron replied, and for once his smile seemed more roguish than faintly menacing. “Someone has to play the responsible adult - which is to say, poor Thassarian may need some help keeping the four of you at bay, and if my holiday must be impacted by my own foolish rangers, I think I deserve at least some sort of compensation.”

Koltira began towing Thassarian away then, laying his warm, sharp-nailed hands on the bare skin of Thassarian's arm, and whatever hazy compunctions Thassarian might have had about Halduron tagging along vanished in another heady undertow as he let himself be led into the bowels of the pleasure house.

Strange creatures, elves - but beautiful enough it didn't matter, he supposed.

[troublerun]

      ♛  𝕊𝕋𝔼𝕃𝕃𝔸 𝕂𝕎𝕆ℕ          —————            big  dick  energy  in  a  little  dick  world.

          &. B A S I C S :

full name :  stella  saerin  kwon   nicknames(s) :  stell,  stells,  princess ( uwu ) face claim :  park  sooyoung age :  twenty  one sexuality :  bisexual date of birth :  october  1,  1997 gender :  cisfemale pronouns :  she/her relationship status :  s-single  (  ??  ) occupation :  model,  television  personality,  influencer

          &. P E R S O N A L I T Y :

usual  hangouts :  goo  lagoon,  the  salty  spitoon,  goofy  goober’s,  fancy! hobbies :  binge  watching  rom  coms,  shopping,  getting  pampered,  being  adored bad  habits :  strums  her  fingers  when  impatient,  rolls  her  eyes  at  literally  everything,  hits/slaps  the  people  around  her  when  she  finds  something  funny,  tunnel  vision/hearing  towards  99%  of  what  goes  on five  positive  traits :  ambitious,  expressive,  straightforward,  passionate,  &  versatile five  negative  traits :  possessive,  egotistical,  overcritical,  decadent  &  perverse hogwarts  house :  slytherin jung  type :  ESTJ zodiac  sign :  libra

          &. F A M I L Y :

parents :  lmao what are those ??  never  heard  of  them  never  needed  them  ! siblings :  none  that  she  can  confirm,  but  probably  a  few  stepsiblings  somewhere other relatives :  none  she  can  claim

          &. M I S C :

mental  disorder(s) :  n/a chronic  disorder(s) :  n/a religion :  she  believes  god  is  a  woman drinks  /  smokes  /  drugs :  yes,  yes,  yes body  modifications :  she  has  quite  a  few  minimalist  tattoos  but  the  ones  worth  noting  are  the  small  diamonds  found  over  the  right  side  of  her  rib  cage,  behind  her  right  ear  &  on  her  right  ankle,  the  dollar  sign  over  her  heart  and  the  still  i  rise  written  down  her  left  ribs next  goal  in  life :  get  rich  faster,  get  fucked  harder  

[sgnserena]

🐇🌧 👻

🐇 - for a secret item they keep (stuffed animal, comfort object, etc)

it’s honestly not that much of a secret -- more like something that’s overlooked -- but she wears a gold charm bracelet around her left wrist. it was something that was given to her by her dad, in which he gave her a new charm for it every year on her birthday. he started the year her mom left up until she left for korea after high school graduation, so there are currently 14 charms upon it, each with different meanings that he would describe to her. some were as simple as an s for her names, serena and saerin, another was a golden pig for good luck in wealth and fertility ( to which she’d reply ‘gross dad’ because she was 14 ), one was a lock for protection in life. it’s a source of comfort and she makes sure to wear it with nearly everything -- even tucking it in her shorts during game days so it won’t be broken by a volleyball ( or by her own self ). 

🌧 - for a heavy, emotional secret

serena resents the absolute fuck out of her mother. she doesn’t understand how you can look a toddler straight in the eye and lie to them, saying that you’re “taking a trip and you’ll be back,” knowing that you’re not going to return. she doesn’t understand how someone doesn’t have the decency to file for a divorce knowing that they weren’t going to return, knowing that they were running away to start a life with a new man and a new family in her home country; only doing so years later through a thick letter in the mail. she’s been able to piece things together through out the years, all of the how’s and the why’s, and what she didn’t tell her family was that the main reason why she chose to go to seongnam, and the reason she does all this to keep her tuition is so she can find out where her mother lives and meet that bitch face to face. further investigation through old letters she used to send ( back when she bothered for the first year or so after she left ) shows that she doesn’t live all that far from the seongnam campus, she thinks. serena has no idea what she’s going to say, or what she’s going to do when she gets there -- but it’s not going to be pretty by any means. that woman doesn’t deserve a pretty reunion, especially when serena thinks about what a happy life she’s most likely been living since abandoning her first with no remorse.

👻 - for something that scares or disturbs them, but they refuse to tell anyone

she feels like as a pre-vet major, she’s supposed to love all animals that come her way -- and for the most part, she does. and avid lover of dogs and cats, is cool with reptiles, even likes insects as long as they’re not huge, hairy, and poisonous. but there are some animals that she really can’t stand, and will absolutely lose her cool around -- one of them being rats, mice, hamsters -- she doesn’t give a fuck, they all look the same. she had a bad encounter as a child when she went to a sleepover at a friend’s house as a kid, and her older brother’s pet rat got out of it’s cage and ended up in her sleeping bag -- anyone waking up to seeing glowing red eyes would probably pass the fuck out like she did too! so she does not fuck with them on any means, and would probably enjoy feeding them to a snake ( a pet that she does want in the future ).

there was another time a neighbor of hers was trying to catch a mouse and had glue traps all over, and they eventually caught it because she could hear it because the walls in the avenue are paper thin and she could hear it screaming throughout the night -- it freaked her out so much she left in the middle of the night to sleep in her condo instead. so if you ever want to reduce her into a screaming and shaking mess, bring anything that looks like a mouse around her. she won’t be liable for any damages she causes, though.

[houseruneara]

[Crossroads...]

“Saerin?” 

It was the first thing from her mouth when she woke up in that dark room. She felt cold, her body felt numb. She didn’t know where she was at that moment and she wasn’t sure she wanted to know...wherever it was....he wasn’t there. 

She didn’t have hope that he sat somewhere out of her field of vision, she wasn’t in their little flat with him downstairs in the kitchen making breakfast. She had sensed him leave through that portal. She had made one final attempt. To plead him to stay...and he...had left with Ana. Why hadn’t she run to him? Told him everything would be okay? The void scared her...that’s why. She wished so badly she had been stronger for him. She might still have him there if she had listened to him. 

Erialin started to cry softly. She had neither the strength nor the tears left to cry much though and when she had let out a few hard sobs she turned into her blankets and tried to fall back asleep. 

Sleep wouldn’t come much to her dismay. She felt so sick. So drained  and the pain in her side wouldn’t go away. Her mouth was dry and her throat hurt. She felt so dizzy she was worried about sitting up. There were people that needed her though...Aeri...

Finally she made herself move. Pushed herself up to look around. Her eyes were having trouble focusing on where she was. They felt like they were sandpaper but she forced herself to focus. Finally a small voice would call out from her tiny bed into the emptiness around her. 

“Hello? Is...anyone there?” 

Was she all alone?

@visneya @shadowtoarcane @aerimell @thecleverbard