#sad to say that a lot of my understanding of gender came from misinterpreting things that were supposed to be transphobic jokes

[cryptocism]

sometimes the joke going over your head can really work out

[just2bubbly]

Breaking the news..

Masterlist

Rumors and Affairs Chapter List

// This is an update of  What was she thinking?! 

Cinder’s Perspective: 

She decided to go through the articles. Most of them were dated from when she had escaped out of prison with Thorne. They said how Cinder had run away with her ‘lover’ criminal Thorne. She cringed on the word lover. The more recent ones were about her and Thorne at the Ball. After reading many such articles, she came across the article that was the root cause of all the rumors. It had the picture of her and Thorne standing outside the hall while the ball was going on. He had brought her outside to tell her about how he was going to propose to Cress and Cinder had become so happy to see how far her best friend had come. She had hugged him and kissed him on the cheek. Being pregnant had made her super emotional; she could have a headache or laugh over the silliest thing. The media captured this specific affectionate moment between the two and right now she wanted to kill herself for her idiosyncrasies. She was just hugging Thorne why did they have to make such a fuss about this. Well after reading the entire article she came to realize that the media had misinterpreted the scene between the two. They had thought that the two were meeting outside to have a word without the Emperor catching them and it became a bit affectionate but Empress Selene restrained herself in the fear of getting caught.

Cinder recalled how she had confined Thorne that she was literally more scared of doing childbirth than leading the lunar revolution and he had assured her in a rather affectionate way, where he did hold both of their hands on her swollen stomach. The media had definitely misinterpreted and made a fuss about it. Plus Thorne was known for his flirty personality all over the world and also Luna.

All such times she hated how the press and mass media could not have any restrictions and limitations. Stars, they should not publish stuff that they did not have a clue about.

She was having a strong headache meaning that if she had tear ducts she would be crying now or maybe she was just having a headache from frustration. Either way it was not good for her or the baby. Last month they had a riot outside the palace gate about her cyborg-ness. The hatred towards Cinder had been high time since Kai and she had announced that they have been expecting an heir soon. Kai did his best to make her feel better but she was so insecure in moments like these. After all she had received this hate since she was 11. Memories don’t fade easily, especially bad ones.

She was walking in the gardens when the whole incident had happened. The riots were peaceful but Kai and Torin were all shaken up. It looked like they had been expecting this sometime sooner or later. Well saying that Cinder was not expecting this would be a lie for she had so many nightmares about her being close to a crowd and then a riot would start where she and the baby would be harmed in some way or the other.

Cinder herself had taken so much effort to remove cyborg prejudice. Even then she had to suffer through first hand cyborg hate taking in consideration that she was the Empress of the Eastern Commonwealth.

That’s when she saw it. It was Kai. He had commed her. In a normal and peaceful situation she would be happy and bubbly(I know I just made a reference) to see him but now that the situation was anything but calm and normal. She wanted to not pick his call. Not receiving his comm won’t help her though. So she gave in.

“Hey! You took a lot of time to pick up the comm, were you sleeping?”

Seeing him in front of her eyes she just wanted to hug him and let him whisper to her that everything was fine-

“Hail to Cinder! Are you there?”

“Yeah! Why?”

“Well respond so that I can understand”

“When are you coming back?”

“Oh! I see you were so lost in thinking about me that you forgot to realize that your dear husband Kai is there in front of you! Tell me Cinder, Am I wrong? Did you spend all your time thinking about me then?”

“Don’t flatter yourself Emperor. It does not suit you well.” Technically she had been thinking about him all the time but pregnancy had not made her lose her mind so far so she would not blurt out about how she was day-dreaming about her husband.

“C’mon Cinder why can’t you just accept that you missed me?  I do it all the time.”

“Okay Kai. Tell me when are you returning now?”

“I will be there in New Beijing besides you till tomorrow afternoon. I would have left tonight but Queen Camilla invited us to dinner at the royal palace. I don’t want to go-”

“What? You will be coming tomorrow?” she screamed, maybe.

“I thought you would be sad to know that I am delaying my flight because of some stupid dinner.”

“No Kai, it is not like that. Well I certainly do miss you and am happy that you will be there here tomorrow. Stars, it has been difficult without you here but I thought you had yet a week to come and stars above I have so much stuff to do and things to fix. I just don’t have the time to do it before you get back I can’t believe I am running late on my schedule Kai I want-”

“Calm down Cinder. I had asked you to do nothing if you remembered. Plus Torin told me.”

Cinder had covered her face with her hands. She peeked at him a bit scared of his reaction. Why the hell was he being good and not yelling at her if Torin had already told him?!

“What did Torin tell you?”

“Why? Is it problematic that my advisor tells me all about you?”

“That’s not the point Kai. What did he tell you?”

“Nothin’ just how you over-work yourself and do not rest well and keep zoning out between conversations. You really do get hopeless without me.”

“Oh! That’s what Torin told you. Thank goodness”

“Why? Was there something else?”

“NO! Nothing else…. for now at least- I can’t ...I don’t know” why couldn’t she lie towards Kai as easily as she did with the others. It felt like Kai could just look through her soul and realize the truth.

“What happened Cinder? Are you okay? Is the baby okay? Did something happen to you? Did Dr.Nandez say something about the pregnancy? Cinder tell me! ” He looked desperate and all the worst possible scenarios were running through his mind now. She could tell it.

“Kai, I am fine. The baby is fine. Everyone is fine. Well not everyone because Torin and I are all panicked because I did some mistake and screwed up big time….” she trailed.

“Oh! Only that much. Well I thought something happened to you and the baby.”

He sighed before continuing, “What did you do?”

“Well it’s related to the baby. In the head staff meeting I said something that made the entire Thorne-Cinder affair rumors worse.”

“Oh.” he had not expected that.

“Can you brief me about it if it is okay for you or should I ask Torin?”

“Well I kind of blurted out that the rumors about me and Thorne are true while I was zoning out and although I tried to assure them I don’t think that they are much convinced. Shit. I screwed up Kai.”

His eyes had definitely widened. Cinder could tell that without looking. He was trying his best to remain calm but she wanted him to talk. Bloody hell she wanted him to talk now. She was a mess on the inside. Thankfully there were no new rumors about her and Thorne or any news about today’s meeting on her newsfeed yet.

There was an unwanted and suffocating silence between the two of us.

“Well you did screw up big time Cinder but it's okay. Do they know that I know about these rumors?”

“I don’t know. Mostly likely not because I think usually courting outside of marriages are to kept a secret.

“Cinder please.” She should not use sarcasm in situations like these. She nodded and whispered a sorry.

“What should we do?” she asked again trying to take a hold over this bizarre situation.

“You really cannot do anything anymore. Whatever you say will not be given much importance and most likely be doubted so you would only give a single official statement in my presence when I return. For the rest, I will come up with a plan with Torin’s help.”

“Kai stop fighting my battles. You already have done enough by not kicking me out okay. I should take responsibility of my mistakes-”

”It’s okay Cinder. Everything is okay. You and I know that we are madly in love with each other. That’s all that I care about. You would no longer over work yourself. I guess you should stop holding meetings for time being as well, you know as a precaution.” he said the last part teasingly but yet I felt disheartened.

I was glaring at him but then the rumors about our child’s parentage hit me like some train. I could not tell Kai this. He would surely be disappointed. He would be heart-broken.

What should I tell him huh- Hey Kai! The media thinks that the child I am carrying is Thorne’s and not yours. Lol, but you know the truth right?

Sue me.

“There is something more Kai.”

“What?” he asked a bit concerned, a furrowed brow forming.

“They questioned about our baby’s parentage as well”

Upon hearing this he really looked so sad. His face had fallen and he avoided looking at her.

She heard some commotion from his side.

“Cinder I have to go. I am sorry we will talk later. I will figure it out with Torin’s help. Bye. Take care.” He was croaking. Cinder had a headache coming as well.

Before she could reply, he had ended the comm.

Glancing at her net-screen Cinder sighed. There was no news about today’s meeting anywhere. Torin might have done his miracles on the staff again.

__

A/N: I am thinking about a good damage control idea, so it might take a while. Needless to say, There is more!

( I also have an another Kaider fic named ‘ Nightmares’, if you like Kaider fluff you can check it out!!  🖤 )

Likes, Reblogs and Comments will be much loved!  🖤

P.S Can you suggest some baby names for Kaider child, both the gender please.  

[atltexts]

(1-0) THE CONTROVERSIAL SIGH OF RELIEF

OK... good morning

I can’t believe I have to seriously explain why this is not a r*pe score, but here we go 🥴

I was there the day BVH was exonerated in April. Waiting for the outcome, I stayed up all night, making sure I would be available if anything bad were to come of this. This wasn’t anything new for me. When the letter came in, BVH immediately broke down in tears. At first, I didn’t know what he was feeling and asked him a number of times what it said. I couldn’t make what he was saying, then he just kept repeating “not guilty, not guilty”

We really thought this nightmare would be over from there. This was a huge sigh of relief and as anyone would, BVH felt intense emotion in that moment.

PRECURSOR FOR CONTEXT: BVH was not a religious person prior to any of this, but on December 15 2020, he suffered from his first sleep paralysis episode. Sleep paralysis is more prone to happen to a person when they are either under immense pressure or are deeply depressed. He felt a malign presence in his bedroom & his knee-jerk reaction was to immediately start praying Psalm 91. When this happened, all the noise around him subsided, the presence left, and he was able to gain control over his body again. Since that day, he has prayed the rosary every night before going to sleep. This gave him hope, something to believe in.

CELEBRATING INNOCENCE? THANKING GOD? NOT ON MY WATCH, BUCKO: Just like how his knee-jerk reaction was to pray to banish the sleep paralysis influence, his knee-jerk reaction to being exonerated was to publicly praise god. He asked me “should I write this?” And i paused, thinking it was a little strange, but I also didn’t want to ruin his moment, so I said yes. It was benign! What could possibly happen!!

He was immediately kicked out of the group after a girl weaponized his religion to call him ugly (67+ students liked this!). Another girl wrote “finally,” and comments continued from there. Of course, everyone but BVH got off the hook and BVH was penalized for being “unprofessional.”

Not only was he penalized for being “unprofessional”, but he was also penalized for being happy! “How dare you be happy the day your accuser lost, you should feel sadness and remorse!!!” Yup… he had to go through empathy coaching for this. Wish I was kidding.

BEWILDERING INTERPRETATIONS: We later found out that this was misinterpreted as a r*pe score. “He’s saying he did it before and he will do it again.” Initially, there weren’t that many complaints (maybe 2-3), but when these students instructed other students to do the same, the number obviously increased greatly. So far, over 30 complaints have been filed — while the initial ones were about the Title IX investigation & the Group Me post, the last handful of them said “I don’t care if she couldn’t prove it, I know something bad happened.”

GLOATING SHMOATING: That night, the school sent a mass e-mail to all students about “gloating over the misfortunes of others”, but as they usually do, they denied this. I guess there are just that many coincidences, even though they themselves accused him of… ‘gloating’ over the misfortunes of others.

THE COURTEOUS ADMINISTRATOR: Also that night, BVH got a separate e-mail from an administrator demanding they have an urgent meeting. On this “courtesy call” as the administrator called it, he told BVH to “watch himself” and abruptly hung up on him. BVH was literally just chilling. At least BVH got his 5 minutes of relief before the distortion campaign got stronger over his praise for God, I suppose.

QUESTIONABLE PETITIONS: Soon after, the student leadership wrote & circulated a petition for “the expulsion of (BVH)”. I don’t hold it against the people who I signed it. Not knowing the depth of the situation, it’s understandable and also scary to be seated in a classroom with someone you think is unsafe to be around. In the petition, they suggest BVH is a narcissist (it really said “narcissist” in it), further and deliberately spreading more misinformation. They write that he is too unprofessional to become a physician and was “accused of gender-based violence”. Even though BVH wrote literally nothing about the Title IX investigation, this petition states that he is, again, “gloating over the misfortunes of others,” that he’s deliberately trying to intimidate, share people’s private information, abuse social media, lacks empathy, and “implicit threat of future abuse.” None of this is true (and it’s all written like it’s fact — which is pretty unprofessional). Just some more malicious fabrications in attempts to get him kicked out. It also says “reports of comments that devalue his peers” which, as someone who knows him well, I highly doubt is true. He cares too much about his education to put his peers down. The petition proceeds to say “gender-based violence cannot be tolerated”, suggesting their own opinions are fact, further strengthening the distortion campaign. Given the way the petition was carefully written, I don’t blame people for trusting student leadership and taking it seriously. They also say, as though it is fact, that the school’s inaction is jeopardizing BVH’s future patients…. Anyway, I’ll bite my tongue & move on.

MORE TRIALS, BEFORE MORE TRIALS. WHY NOT: The school sent him to the pious court of the medical school for a second trial. He had to explain the story of why he posted the Group Me comment, and for the 3rd time he was exonerated, but it didn’t end there… To this day, the Committee on Students is still having periodic hearings most recently because his empathy coaching as about “having empathy i ngeneral, not about the Group Me post specifically.” Why he needs empathy coaching, or why it’s called “empathy coaching” is beyond me.

OVEREXERTING BVH, HE MUST PAY FOR BEING BULLIED! MAKES SENSE TO ME: The medical school refused to accept the Title IX decision so they did an additional review of the investigation report of the title IX process. He has been assigned to do multiple assignments, attend multiple meetings, to the point that, with the added stress, I don’t think any other student would be capable of doing. He was barely granted an extension for his schoolwork or any accommodations for that matter. BVH doesn’t matter to them, they only do what benefits ATL (post with proof pending… there’s a lot to uncover). They even changed the rules of an assignment on him after he had submitted a really nice paper, so he had to write a new one.

IGNORING EMOTIONAL NEEDS DESPITE FILING “CARE” REPORTS!: The medical school is still, to this day, giving him an extremely hard time. I am a person with a physical disability & I had to drop out of school to be BVH’s support system to do what the medical school should have done. I am deteriorating by the day and this is how I am spending my life. I have read many books to BVH, teaching him meditation & mindfulness. I have found him the absolute best puppy I could find to help him cope. I have cried with him (makes the puppy cry too). I have been available every day to witness and experience this with him, and believe me when I say, every day a new issue arises. And believe me when I also say…. BVH is extremely careful, has done nothing but kept to himself & follow given instructions (other than quitting his dream to become a physician). I have called the school and spoke to several different professionals, begging that someone AT LEAST provides him an ounce of emotional support. I even filed an elaborate concern form (CARE report) I found on the CWRU website. All without BVH’s knowledge I’ve been trying to make things happen for him behind the scenes. Again, they know he is in pain. I can’t work, and I can’t afford to eat or pay rent on my own — I should be focusing on starting a business, but all my energy is going into making things right for BVH, because, yes, he genuinely has it worse. That’s what friends are for! I am not trying to victimize myself (anonymous person here). He never once asked me to do any of the things I’ve done. If anything, he feels guilty that I am still by his side. Without pay, I am doing their job full time while being bedridden and in excruciating pain. I am overwhelmed, anxious, exhausted, and disappointed that the school does not stand by the values they claim to have… if I feel this way, if this is the only thing I can think about, imagine how BVH feels.

EMPLOYEES WHO HAVE NO CONTROL OVER THE SITUATION, PLEASE DO NOT FEEL GUILTY: I know that most of the staff feels for BVH. I don’t blame the staff who deals with BVH directly. I blame whoever is giving them these instructions. The person who is being CC’d on all the e-mails even though he chose to ‘step out of the situation’. Most likely, he will try to pin my actions on BVH, because that’s how the hierarchy of this school works. This is why no one can say anything, we’re all afraid that if we stand up for BVH it is going to hurt his education — BVH is even afraid to ask a question in class because he could literally sneeze and surely someone will google “the meaning of sneezes” to find a way to twist things, and the school will penalize him (totally OK for someone to call him ‘scum of the earth’ while he’s leading a discussion though). I don’t get why this man has such a hard on for BVH (with peace & love), and I’ll leave it at that.

[subtlereferencetomyinterests]

Complexities Unknowable- Chapter 7 (Finale!)

Ao3,   1    2    3    4    5    6.  MasterPost

Relationships: Deintruality, background Analogince

Warnings: Cursing, Remus-typical language and jokes, Minor self-deprication/insecurity, the ol’ ‘thinks-it’s-unrequited-and-is-oblivious-to-obvious-flirting’ song and dance, all sympathetic sides, feelings of being left out, also I accidentally projected too hard and now Patton has adhd oops. 

Word Count: 4,000 (approximately)

Patton felt better than he could ever remember feeling. Sleep came easy as it hadn’t for him in years. It was amazing how far a little bit of understanding went.

When all your closest friends are together, you get lonely. Patton wouldn’t say that he was jealous, but everything was different now. When he used to spend time with the others, it was four pals spending quality time together! Now when they did, it was a date, except oops! Patton’s here too! How awkward!

He knew that was unfair. They didn’t really think of him that way, of course not. Hence why he didn’t bring it up.

It wasn’t like that with Remus and Deceit. Even though they were dating, Patton never felt left behind. Their humor was dark and snarky but accessible, not laden with inside jokes that he’d missed out on or specific clues that he didn’t pick up. 

The inclusiveness they treated him with was probably borne from being excluded for so long, though he didn’t like to think about that. The fact was, the three were friends now, the past was past, and Patton was drinking in their companionship like fine wine (or, to be more accurate to himself, a grape juice box).

It did not take him long to figure out why he was so fond of their company. You can only spend so much time with Deceit prattling about the dangers of repression before you start to unearth all of those deeply buried feelings.

He’d fallen for the Dark Sides. Whoops. 

Could you really blame him? Deceit, suave and clever and funny, yet so gentle when he wanted to be; Remus, bold and brash and energetic, but still with such a deep empathy hidden in him! It was no wonder that the two were already together- anyone who spent as much time with them as they spent with each other would be head-over-heels as well! (Patton was speaking from experience on that one). 

Initial surprise regarding the feelings had soon faded to something almost comfortable. He was happy to have them as his friends alone, so what was a little crush? No big deal!

...Was what he had thought ten minutes ago, when there wasn’t an affectionate Remus wrapped around him, chattering off various compliments.

“I could hold you forever, Patty. You are just the softest, like a water balloon full of blood and organs! But still so ripped, I mean, damn!”

“Language,” Patton chided meekly, trying very hard to not dissolve into the ether.

“Awww, you can’t make an exception for me? Just this once? I’ll make it worth your while~,” the last part was a hushed sing-song right near Morality’s ear. He felt his face redden, but forced himself away to refocus on… whatever he had been doing.

“Nope, no exceptions,” he chirped, going back to- right! Cleaning!

“You aren’t tempted at all? You are so responsible- and that’s really one of the sexiest qualities there is.”

It was just Remus’ nature to talk to people like that, Patton told himself firmly. The Creative side was just expressing his friendly affection in a way that made sense to him. It came alongside being close to someone so unused to ‘typical’ friendship dynamics, after all. Patton reminded himself of this again and again, denying himself the desperate urge that welled up and told him to respond in kind. He would not purposefully misinterpret Remus’ actions for his own gain, he was better than that!

“Thank you, Rem,” just nice, platonic gratitude for nice, platonic compliments. 

Eventually, finally, mercifully, The Duke had seemed to get bored. He disentangled himself from Patton (appearing rather crestfallen, though the moral trait wasn’t sure why), and wandered off. 

But that, whether for good or for bad, was hardly the end of that.

Deceit’s room was magnificently cozy. It was armchairs that swallowed up whomever sat in them, warm lamps casting down on all surfaces, and jazzy music playing distantly in the background. In other words, the perfect place for a good cup of tea and some sandwiches, not to mention pleasant conversation.

Deceit lounged back in his oversized chair, sending Patton an inscrutable look across their teacups. The side smiled, hoping that was the appropriate response.

“So,” he drawled, switching the track of their conversation abruptly, “You’re something of a seamster, aren’t you?”

Patton stared blankly for a moment before the term clicked.

“Oh, you mean a seamstress?”

“Sorry, I thought you’d prefer the masculine, but that really was presumptuous of me,” Deceit amended in apology. 

“I didn’t know that there was a word for it other than seamstress. Hey, isn’t it kinda weird how some jobs are like that, when you think about it? Like how there’s actors and actresses! Why wouldn’t ‘actor’ be all encompassing, ya know?”

Deceit made a vague noise of disinterest and waved his hand, as though manually cutting off the tangent in conversation.

“Yes, gender is a distasteful societal construct and an overall prison to our consciences, we both agree- but regardless, you sew. Make clothing and things like our quilt. Isn’t that right?”

“Right- yes.”

“Do you make all of your own clothes, then?”

“Hmm, sometimes I do- I mostly make stuff for the others. It’s easier to conjure simple stuff for myself, but making them is a lot of fun!” Morality gestured enthusiastically to the pastel pink sweater that he wore, fluffy and intricately patterned. 

Deceit’s eyes glinted in a strange, intimidating, and also incredibly hot way. Patton almost forced the attraction out of his mind, before realizing that that kind of repression would definitely be noticed in this part of the Mindscape. 

“I would have to say you have quite the talent, in that case,” the dishonest trait set down his cup and craned his body over the small table between them, heterochromatic gaze alight with… something. Patton cleared his throat. 

“W-Why’s that?” 

“You look positively hideous in that, my Dear,” he purred in obvious lies, gloved hands now sitting in the middle of the table and creeping forward by the inch.

“Aw, thanks,” Patton croaked, fighting the urge to lean forward in turn. 

Something strangely disappointed flashed in Deceit’s eyes, but he quickly recovered. He reached out to run a hand along Patton’s sleeve, the touch lingering against his arm.

“My my, that’s just like a cloud. How did you manage that, Darling?”

Morality shivered as Deceit continued to toy with the fabric of his sweater. 

“I-It’s probably because it’s made with love! Since that’s what I am, kinda,” he stammered, desperately trying to keep up the cheery tone.

“I’m inclined to agree. There’s beauty in all you touch, Sunshine.”

Oh, the pet names. Patton really couldn’t take it; he jerked away and pressed his back against the chair, before he had the chance to do something stupid. Honestly, it was sad how hard this was for him- Deceit was just trying to be a good friend! It wasn’t his fault that he showed it with flirts!

“You’re too sweet,” with distance reestablished, Morality found it much easier to formulate words, “I really appreciate you, Dee.”

Deceit blinked, still hovering over the table. He cleared his throat and snapped back into his seat, suddenly looking the part of the cold and distant Dark Side that Patton had feared just months prior. Guarded, callous, stoic. It was almost frightening, how quickly he changed. 

“Yes, I know you do. Let’s change topics, shall we?”

Patton, feeling quite a bit of whiplash, nodded hesitantly. Their conversation continued to flow normally, for the most part, but he couldn’t help feeling that he’d messed up somewhere. There was something heavy over them, but Patton hadn’t the slightest idea what it was. 

For a brief, dizzying moment, he wondered if they were moving backwards. If he’d somehow crossed a line when he was trying so hard not to, and now they were two steps back again. Just the thought of it made him too sick to finish his tea.

Patton didn’t have to be worried for long about that particular mishap, thankfully, as a very momentous occasion had swallowed up the fear. Remus and Deceit were going to be joining in their first ever movie night as part of the family! 

There’d been plenty of TV marathons with just them and Pat already, but now they’d all come together! As part of the group!! Contributing to the voting and the arguing and the joking and the experience of it all!!! Needless to say, Patton was practically bouncing off the walls in his excitement. 

He plopped down onto the couch with a bowl of popcorn, passing a much larger container of snacks to the amorphous blob of limbs and sass that had once been his three best friends, cuddled together far across from him. Now, all they needed were the Dark- sorry, former Dark Sides.

He wasn’t waiting for long before Deceit and Remus appeared in the living room (Remus, thank the lord, wearing actual pajamas). Patton couldn’t contain the happy little chirp that escaped him, scrunching himself to one side of the sectional so that they’d have plenty of room to make themselves at home.

Rather than huddling together in the crook of the curved sofa, however, Deceit immediately gestured for Patton to scooch over, and Remus sat on his other side. Morality was happy (if a bit surprised) to comply with this new seating arrangement, flashing them bright smiles. In light of recent events, being so close with both of them was a little dizzying, but it wasn’t too hard to bear. For now.

The conversation on which movie to watch that night was more agreeable than usual, which was nice; they got right to the marathon with little hassle. Patton sighed as the opening credits to Tangled played. At that moment, his life couldn’t get any more wonderful. Surrounded by the people he cared about, finally all together, it was perfect. 

And then, a mere ten minutes in, Remus leaned his chin on Patton’s shoulder and pressed into his side. 

“Mother Gothel is such a Milf.”

Patton would usually have been put off by the sexual comment, but at that moment Deceit had also seemed to decide that he’d make a good headrest. Which was fine, this was fine. Some mild friendly cuddling- nothing he couldn't handle!

Another twenty minutes later and Remus twisted an arm around his waist. Deceit held Patton’s hand between a couple of his own. By this point, they were beginning to look a lot like the cuddle pile wrapped up together on the other side of the couch. He was still alive, though!

Neither of the sides beside him moved an inch until the film ended, only begrudgingly letting go when Morality had to get up for a snack refill. Even then, they latched back onto him as soon as he returned. Thus began the second movie, and the beginning of Patton's slow and snuggly death.

Every few minutes, it would be something else: Deceit ran a hand or two through his hair, Remus hooked his leg around Patton’s, Deceit nuzzled against his neck, Remus laughed into his shoulder, et cetera et cetera et cetera.

Three movies in and he was barely keeping up with the conversation. His head was spinning and he was sure he’d never been so warm, but more than that he felt protected. Even adored. He wasn't often on the receiving end of affection, and the longing brought with it ached, but he never wanted it to end.

Then Virgil yawned (oh yeah, the other three were still there), exiting from the ending credits of All Dogs Go To Heaven and clicking back to the main screen.

“Bed time,” he grumbled, a tone so intimate and low and clearly meant for his boyfriends that Patton almost felt bad for overhearing it. 

“It is getting quite late,” Logan agreed, standing to stretch. Roman followed suit and dragged a  sleepy Anxiety up with him.

Virgil tossed the remote in Patton's general direction and let Roman haul him up in his arms (Deceit caught it with an unoccupied arm, given that the moral side’s brain was currently jelly). The three bid their goodnights and were gone with a few shimmers of color and a whoosh.

“I guess we should head up, too,” Patton murmured, working very hard to disguise his reluctance. To his surprise, the traits sandwiching him only sank further into his sides.

“Oh, you’re absolutely right, it’s so very late,” Deceit rumbled, his face partially hidden in the crook of Patton’s neck.

“Yeah, I’m exhausted. I can’t move,” Remus added, his voice ticking up in a noticeably mischievous way. 

“I can’t either. We should stay, just like this.”

Patton's heart warmed, looking between their adorably sleepy faces. He couldn’t lie, the offer was tempting, but in such a situation his brain came back to him. Despite the continued proximity of his crushes, this was something he could handle! 

“Aww, don’t you worry about it, I’ve got ya,” and, making very sure that his grip was secure, Patton stood up with Deceit and Remus cradled in either arm. He hardly staggered under the weight of the sides, familiar with such heavy lifting. 

Remus and Deceit went from sleepiness to pure shock in a matter of milliseconds. Deceit instinctively clung to Patton with all of his limbs, meanwhile Remus gave a startled laugh. Their faces were a matching pink; oh, he could have made them uncomfortable!

“Is this okay? I promise I won't drop you.”

Remus nodded frantically; Deceit squawked in an affirming sort of way. 

Relief washed over Patton and, satisfied with the response, he sank out in a circle of cyan. For a moment, he feared that the nausea that The Subconscious usually brought him would unsteady him, but he was left pleasantly surprised when he felt none. In fact, it felt just like rising up anywhere else. Just as easy as breathing. Hm.

He didn’t dwell on it too long, ascending The Subconscious’ staircase and bringing his cargo to the first bedroom he saw (Deceit’s). He nudged the door open with his shoe, carrying them right to the bed and dropping them down gently. Remus fell onto his back with a happy hum; Deceit stayed upright and stared at Patton with wide eyes. He huffed a laugh and nudged The Snake's shoulders, and Deceit let himself fall beside his boyfriend, dazed. 

This was routine for Patton: grabbing the covers and blanketing his friends, as he’d done for probably every other side at one point or another (even Logan, though he would deny it furiously). Once Remus and Deceit were sufficiently tucked in, he stood up and dimmed the lights to near darkness. 

“Alright, you two have a good night's sleep.”

There was a noise of approval from the pair. Patton gave them one last smile before disappearing back to his own room. To scream into his pillow and think about how gay he was.

Which meant that he didn't get the opportunity to hear the interaction that followed between Dee and Ree.

“Well, that didn’t backfire at all.”

“I want him to snap my spine in half like a glow stick. He could break every bone in my body and I would thank him,” Remus replied dreamily. Deceit hummed in agreement. 

“Perhaps we should try a more… direct approach, as this doesn’t seem to be working in our favor.”

“I dunno about you, but I’m feeling pretty fuckin’ favored right now.”

“I was suggesting that we be more-” he very nearly gagged, “Straightforward.”

“More like gay-forward, actually,” Remus corrected, “But I’m with you! You know I love being direct.”

“Now when I say direct, I don’t mean blunt.”

“I don’t understand the difference.”

“I know you don’t. Let me do the talking.”

“Fine by me! Whatever works to get him to pick me up and throw me!”

Deceit rolled his eyes, settling his arms around Remus. 

“Yes, yes- but I’m actually wide awake right now, and I’d love it if you keep being loud all night, Dearest.” 

“Oh, right,” Remus lowered his voice, curling himself around the lying side in turn. Together, their breathing slowed. As they drifted to sleep, the feeling of Patton's arms around them still ghosted their skin.

Patton was cleaning furiously. He’d already reorganized the entirety of his room- twice, for that matter- and now he’d moved to the Common area. It hadn’t been so much as a week since his last tidying session, and the Mindpalace was pretty much spotless, but that was irrelevant. It was as good a distraction as any.

Maybe he was avoiding the trifecta of trifling traits- aka his best friends- because he knew that they’d ask about why he was being so weird lately. Maybe he was avoiding Deceit and Remus, the reason that he’d been weird lately. Maybe he was just avoiding his thoughts about them, because seeing them all cozied up and sleepy and adorable a couple nights ago really hadn’t helped settle his growing infatuation with them. Most likely, he was avoiding all three. 

But he had failed to take into account that The Common Area was not the best place for avoiding stuff. Given that it was. A Public Space. 

“Patton,” began the voice of Deceit behind him, in a tone deadly serious.

He spun around to see a very embarrassed Dee and an immensely giddy Remus. Well, Shhhhh-ucks. Shucks. 

“Hey!” Patton tossed the sponge in his hand back into the sink and pretended that he wasn’t freaking out at that exact moment. 

Deceit hardly registered the greeting, continuing: 

“We need to talk to you.”

“What about?”

The Snake opened his mouth, and promptly closed it. His eyes had widened concerningly, and he cast his gaze downwards.

“We-” he cut off again. Patton’s worry was mounting. 

“DeeDee?” Remus prompted, elbowing his partner’s side, “I thought you were doing the talking?”

“I-I can do this, I’m not tapping out,” his voice was frenzied, hiding himself behind The Duke in a rare display of fear. 

“Guys? Is something wrong?” Patton approached them, all of his nervousness about his feelings forgotten in the face of this distress, “Whatever it is, you can talk to me.”

Remus gave him a warm smile, not hesitating for a breath. 

“We came to tell you you’re hot and we wanna date you! But, you know how bad Dee is with words! Anyway, whaddya say?”

Deceit, for his part, nodded in deep resignation. And Patton’s head reeled.

He could hear, audibly hear his heart thumping against his ribs. It was probably as simple as a confession could get, but regardless he found himself frantically replaying the words over and over and over again. He’d never imagined- not even for a second- even the thought of it- 

Mentally, he took a step back. Roman, Logan, and Virgil were an item. Remus and Deceit were an item. And Patton was a third party, paternal and caring and watching out for all of them and their misadventures, though he knew he’d never be entirely part of it. But maybe, now he could be. After everything, they wanted not to just be with him, but to be with him.

It didn’t process.

“I- You- What- Me?”

Because there is good in this world, Remus (correctly) interpreted his flustered stammering as surprise and not distaste. The smile that he almost always wore widened and he took a step forward, dragging the mildly less panicked Deceit along with him.

“You,” he confirmed, shimmying excitedly in place, “Definitely you. And us.”

“I second that not-at-all vague sentiment. We’ve grown unfortunately fond of you,” Deceit uncoiled himself from Remus enough to be seen clearly.

Patton saw it. He saw, in full light and understanding, the subtext in their previous interactions. And now that he did, he had no idea how he’d missed it. A testament to the power of his insecurity, probably. But that didn’t matter, because they liked him back.

Patton failed to words. But, they were very near, and he was very happy, and in the light of new context, he figured that they wouldn’t mind the response he opted for instead. 

He hopped forward with a delighted squeal, scooping the traits up in his arms. Remus started cackling and immediately returned the hug with just as much fervor. Deceit wasn’t far behind for once, allowing his face to split with a smile equal parts shock, relief, and glee. 

“Oh, I love you two so much!” Patton laughed out, burying his face in Remus’ hair. 

“I love you back!” Remus said in kind. 

Deceit attempted a dramatic groan, but he failed to tamp down his grin. 

“It could be said that I feel something love-adjacent for the both of you. Perhaps.” 

Patton’s mind was swimming in joy, so much so that it barely registered when Remus tilted his head back only to lean forward, and oh wow, were they kissing. Patton’s vision was all bright blurs of color, and he melted. The creative trait pushed up against him, rough in much the same way as an overly excited large dog. Patton hardly had time to reciprocate the kiss before Remus broke off completely from the hug, unflustered and unaffected by what he’d done, save for a light blush.

“Now you guys!”

Oh, he was still hugging Deceit. 

“Only if it’s okay?” he’d barely gotten the apprehensive words out of his mouth when it was suddenly occupied, and the world went back to hazey vibrance. Deceit was almost skittish, a barely-there press against his lips like he expected Patton to shove him away. He didn’t, by the way. Rather, he slid a hand up to rest between the side’s shoulder blades, bringing him nearer. 

After a moment, they pulled back slowly, not letting go of each other. 

“That was hot, ngl,” Remus chimed from his perch on the counter.

Patton was overcome with a fit of giggling, energy building in him. He ended his and Deceit’s very drawn-out embrace to satisfy the necessity of full body wiggle. He was in Silly Mode, there was no avoiding this until it had been exorcised via The Joyful Movement™. Patton flapped his hands at his sides and shook his hair out, laughing all the while. Today could not possibly get better!

But he remembered his audience of two. He looked up, hair fluffed up and face flushed with fading excitement and a tinge of self-consciousness. 

“Sorry, I got over-excited...”

“That,” Deceit announced solemnly, “Was astoundingly adorable.”

“I’ve died a gruesome death,” Remus rolled off the counter and onto the ground with a crash (and some bone crunches thrown in, probably for fun), “My heart overloaded, it has burst. There’s blood everywhere, it’s in my eyes, I’m now also blind.” 

Patton’s relief escaped in another bout of laughter, and something lifted in him. A weight that had been there for so long that he hadn’t even remembered it was there, nor how it felt to be without it. But now that it had left, he didn’t know how he had been living with it for so long. There was airiness in his chest, a clarity in his mind, a general sense of contentment rushing over him. This wasn’t a face he put on for others benefit, it wasn’t a fleeting enjoyment of one thing or another- what it was was a deep, thrumming joy that overcame him. 

He was happy. 

Naturally, Patton could not finish cleaning due to. Circumstances. Those circumstances being, he was finally letting himself indulge in some quality time with his new boyfriends (an identifier he very much liked the sound of). 

The trio were half-laying on the Common room’s couch, a tangle of various limbs. Remus leaned against a pile of pillows, and Patton rested his head on his chest. Draped across the both of them was Deceit, fastening all of his arms around them in a manner simultaneously protective and needy. Oh, and also very, very cute. 

“This was totally what I was planning from the beginning,” his voice reverberated through Patton’s chest, “God, I am so great at plotting.”

Remus clicked his tongue agreeably, pressing a kiss to the top of Morality’s head.

“Yeah, I was pretty sure we were gonna end up killing you, Pumpkin. This wasn’t even in the ballpark of outcomes.” 

Patton hummed in thought, cuddling himself closer to his partners.

“I dunno. I’d say your plan turned out pretty well.”

@deceits-left-glove​ 

@princemesscharming

@shrimp-crockpot

[dyns33]

In the dark of the night (3/?)

- Reader has not gender in this story. 

For me, it seemed obvious that this little "pajama party" with Richard did not have to happen again, so I do not know how, why, maybe because of his sad smile and his hopeful eyes, but that it was now a week since I stayed next to him every night to watch him sleep. Well, according to him, to protect him. The men in black, the shadows, whatever, did not come back. Richard said it was proof that our system worked, frankly it did not mean anything if I was asked, but if it allowed him to sleep, why not ? Maybe because it did not help him any better, because he kept believing in things that did not exist, getting used to being able to sleep only with someone, whereas he was not sure that it would always be possible later ? I kept repeating myself that every time Richard told me about his friend, Jonah. They had shared the same room, and when Jonah had seen the shadows, because he had seen them and believed in them, he had decided to watch over Richard, even sleeping in his bed. Except that they had been surprised by a nurse, who had misinterpreted the situation and as the doctors considered that Jonah was cured, he had gone home, leaving Richard unprotected.

           "Misinterpreted, huh ?" I said to tease him. "A boy in another boy's bed, I do not see how..."

           "It was my friend." Richard snapped, looking at me with frustration. "He helped me, he understood me, I thought you too."

And shit, he was hurt. Richard got upset very easily, I realized every time I tried to joke with him in the common room, at the meal, or before he fell asleep. Always grumpy, he did not like being mocked, and sometimes he left the room without saying anything, like this time. Yet I never said anything mean. It did not matter if he was gay, it was not a shame, I was not going to judge him. So I decided not to talk about Jonah any more and, to make myself forgive, I tried with great difficulty to draw something, anything, to prove to him that I understood him, even if I did not draw as well as him. It was frankly not a success.

           "What are you doing ?" he asked me as he entered my room, after everyone had gone to bed and the supervisors had finished their rounds.

We did not share the same bed, but we decided that sleeping in the living room was not the most convenient, especially if it happened so often, so I decided that he would sleep in the unoccupied bed of my room because it was there that I had all my things, that would allow me not to be bored during the night.

           "It's not obvious ?" I groaned, throwing my "work" once more in the trash. "I'm making you a beautiful drawing to excuse myself."

           "Not bad." he said, smoothing out some papers.

           "Oh yes, I guess comparing to a five-year-old, it is not that bad."

At least, it had the merit of making him smile again and he thanked me, while I had nothing to offer him in the end. Richard, however, obviously had something on his mind, because he did not fall asleep immediately, staring at me insistently while playing a game on my 3DS.

           "What ?" I asked, without looking up from my console.

           "Why do you help me if you do not believe in the shadows ?"

Oh, the other thing I was trying to avoid to not make him angry. As soon as he spoke of the men in black, I giggled nervously, telling him that he had no reason to worry anymore and that he had to try to not think about it. It frustrated him a lot, even if he did not insist, just looking at me with big blue eyes judmental, as if the problem came from me.

           "You saw them though." he said. "You made them run away, you know they exist. I do not know how, but you felt them come before they attack you and you managed to escape them, so I do not understand why you do not believe me. "

           "I saw guys, Richard."

           "And how did they leave the room ?"

He always had to ask me this question, which I was desperately trying to answer logically, rationally, saying that they had run to the window, or in a closet, or even maybe they were passed by me but I did not remember because I was tired at the time, it was dark, everything happened very fast and I was shocked, too busy checking if he was alright, to ask me where they had gone.

           "Scully syndrome." he mumbled each time.

           "I help you, and if you want this to go on, I advise you to stop pissing me off with that."

Richard sighed, saying that he only wanted me to see the situation as it was, to understand the danger that threatened us. Then he fell asleep, leaving me alone with my game, and my doubts. It was not, however, because of him that our little arrangement was endangered. Or, yes, a little because of him, but not because of his urgent need to convince me. The doctors had noticed that we spent a lot of time together during the day, as they watched over Richard. They were delighted to see that he seemed more rested, and especially that he was making friends. On the other hand, observing us, they noticed that I slept a lot. Far too much for it to be normal. The doctor summoned me to his office.

           "Do you sleep, (Y / N) ?"

           "Of course."

           "I mean, during the night, be honest."

Despite my best efforts to convince him that my naps did not mean anything, that even people who slept well sometimes needed to rest during the day, that I liked to lie with my eyes closed, because there were had nothing else to do here. I think some of my arguments were perfectly valid, but he decided, just in case, to prescribe sleeping pills.

           "It will not have a bad effect on your health, even if you do not need it."

Disaster ! I was furious, against the whole world, against my parents who had sent me here, against doctors and nurses, but especially against Richard. It was his fault, if I had avoided him as I said from the beginning, the doctors would not have noticed my micro naps ! And worst of all, I was totally panicked at the mere thought of sleeping, because of all his stories of killer shadows. After leaving the doctor's office, my first reflex was to look for him, drawing in the living room as usual, I grabbed his notebook to throw it on the television, in order to get all his attention when I screamed at him, without worrying about the other patients who looked at us with misunderstanding and terror. I cried, I felt a little ridiculous, but fear often makes you do stupid things, so when I did not have enough voice to shout, I slapped him violently, without giving him time to answer me, before leaving to lock myself in my room. I was not completely calmed when it was time to sleep, the nurse came to give me my sleeping pill, staying in the room until she saw me swallow them. I found myself alone, in the dark, fighting against my desire to sleep. I hesitated to make myself vomit, but I could not do that in my room, I could not erase the evidence and the doctors would know it. So I had to go to the bathroom and stay awake until no one was in the corridors. My breathing slowed dangerously, my eyelids were getting heavier, and even sitting still, I felt too weak to keep my eyes open. I thought I was doing pretty well anyway...

           "(Y / N) ! Wake up !"

Richard. I did not think he would come after what had happened. I had not heard him enter. I did not see him turn on the light either. Looking around me, my gaze landed on my watch, which indicated that I had slept for more than half an hour. Fuck. Fucking shit ! Then I noticed that one of my blankets was on the floor, at the other end of the room, I was looking at Richard, wondering if he had done that, and why, but when I saw his eyes, I burst into tears, understanding.

           "It will be okay." he said, taking me in his arms. "I told you, I'll watch over you, we'll sleep in turn."

Even if I did not think it would really be possible, especially if the doctors discovered that he was no longer taking his sleeping pills, but at that moment, I wanted to believe Richard.

Tag : @allyadarth @kahhlo @sloppy-little-witch-bitch26 @gold-dragon-slayer @moonagecordelia @isoldedax @roxytheimmortal

[electriccenturies]

brains?

It's a couple years old now but I'm listening to an episode of vox conversations with Hannah Gadsby as the guest, and it's fucking weird to listen to as a late diagnosed autistic person who is perpetually figuring out what parts of me are Normal™. She keeps doing this half clarification / half joke thing that is so familiar to me, and the host so clearly Does Not Find It Funny (or possibly doesn’t know if it’s a joke or not and is scared to laugh?). It'll be like:

Hannah: My mum was the cleaner at the local golf course— golf club, she didn’t clean the course.

*silence*

Hannah (laughing): It’s made of dirt, that’s a silly job.

*no response*

And it suddenly occurred to me that other people maybe don’t think that way? Like, idk about Hannah, but for me I filter through all the possible interpretations of things, not just the contextually correct one, and it leads to puns and little jokes, but also leads me to get SO FUCKING STRESSED about being misinterpreted and wanting to be very, very precise. So I have to make jokes like that — compulsively, at a frequency that annoys people — both to point out the humour of how it could be interpreted, and so that people wont think I’m a total fool.

But now I feel like a lot of NT people might not see those funny literal mental pictures in that way? With the example above, I understood what she meant but I also pictured her mother cleaning the actual golf course and found it funny. Meanwhile, Ezra seemed to either not understand that it was a joke, or not think it warranted even a polite laugh.

Idk if this will make sense — and maybe this is how everybody thinks and I just can’t control my urge to say it in the end — but here is kind of how I understand idioms in a way that leads to comedy (using “fly on the wall” as an example bc it’s easy to see where the idiom comes from and the literal and figurative lines of thinking both end in a funny things, so you end up with a double joke):

And genuinely nobody finds it as funny as I do, but I have to say it. I have no other response and I think it’s neat! I do it in real time, I am quick! But it really does lead me to pointless stress, which is why I started thinking about if other people think like that in the first place — because maybe I stress for NOTHING.

I had a conversation with an internet stranger yesterday where I talked about being ace/sex-repulsed and then later said “I think my gender is turned off”, and now I’m worried that it came across as related to asexuality rather than power switches. Not even a big deal, and like I said, it was a total stranger I’ll probably never talk to again anyway, but it still upsets me that I wasn’t clearer. That is why every single tweet, tumblr post, and reddit comment I make gets a solid 30-45 minutes of editing for clarity before posting. I need people to know exactly what I mean.

But maybe people would simply not think of those interpretations? They don’t necessarily seem to, but then again, maybe they just don’t bring it up because it’s obvious what is meant and it’s not relevant. Or maybe they don’t find it funny. Maybe Ezra did not even think to interpret “cleaner at the golf course” that way.

It is so confusing because my brain is NORMAL to me. I cannot tell and I don’t want to be the obnoxious “DAE?” person lmfao.

It would make me a little sad if NT people actually do think this way and simply don’t like hearing it, tbh :(

[its8simplejulesblog]

So I’m Supposed To Be Studying For An Econ Exam Right Now

But I just had to write this. Sometimes I feel like things that would normally be a priority to someone else should take the back burner when I feel like there is an important social issue that needs to be addressed. Today’s topic is a little bit sensitive. It’s a little bit scary and I don’t think this will be too detailed or graphic but I want to issue a trigger warning anyway because you just never know.

I want to talk about harassment.

I contemplated writing this post for a little while now just because I didn’t think it necessarily applied to me. We live in a man’s world. Everyone knows it. You’re taught it in school and it’s reinforced and confirmed in your everyday and social lives. I publicly say “I hate men” about at least 7 times a day just because I don’t know what else to say at this point (but I don’t truly mean it). Life is a game of power and men have it. It’s one of those things that is so deeply ingrained in universal society that there is no hope in it changing anytime soon (just being honest). However, as I grow up and look more inquisitively on the world I see this power play out in so many different ways and if we were to brush all of my jokes and nagging comments and eyerolls aside I have to say, quite frankly, that it’s scary. 

I am very much a feminist (in the traditional sense of equality, not the modern sense of putting men down). If you had asked me if I was about a year ago I would have also said yes, but I would have added a “but....” as to alleviate the implications that I was crazy and aggressive and trying to assert my female dominance and grind all men to a ridiculous pulp. It sounds stupid, but every time the word was introduced in a conversation all of the guys in the room would crack jokes or talk shit and if anyone knows me at all, the unfortunate truth is I’m constantly trying not to be the negative talk of anyone’s conversation, even if that means silencing myself. 

So, for the longest time I kind of stayed away from that word. That is, until my parent’s anniversary. On April 9th, 2020 my mom and dad and I sat down and watched their wedding video. We talked about all of the cute things my dad did for my mom and eventually my mom told me that instead of a bouquet she threw a remote to the women and my dad threw an apron to the men to just highlight how bullshit they thought gender roles were. I fell in love with the concept, and ever since then have been thinking more and more about how I should just say what I feel without the fear of being ridiculed by anyone. 

A woman’s role in society, the cooking and cleaning I get it..in fact, I really do enjoy doing those things. However, that fact is one small drop in the bucket when I consider what those implications mean. The women that fought for the right to vote, the women that are publicly shamed for speaking up about being raped by anyone let alone our fucking president. I know this blog was supposed to be a friendly and welcoming place but let me just say that it makes me shake with rage when I think about how frequently women are disrespected. 

I would be lying if I said this didn’t apply to me, so that’s why I needed to write this. I want to preface this part by saying that I have been so so so SO lucky to have been surrounded by so many amazing men my whole life. I’ve learned so much from them and some of them have turned into my best friends and I trust my dad and uncles and grandfather with my life. However, it has to be addressed that virtually every female in the world has been harassed or treated as less than in one way or another. I know that I’m not typically one for making vague claims like that, and I would rather whip out statistics, but I think that’s a claim I can make with absolute certainty. 

There’s a certain point where it’s not a joke anymore. I understand that miscommunication and misinterpretations are a thing. I understand that a lot of guys have good intentions that are incorrectly viewed, I get it. But a lot of the times...it’s not. I remember when the Me Too movement was at its peak and there were still men making jokes and not taking it seriously and I wanted to vomit. These are people’s sisters, daughters, friends. People that I’ve known since middle school that could do no wrong, people that are sweet and want nothing else than to see the good in everyone get taken advantage of all the time. I have not been raped, but everyday I live in fear that it could be me. 

The concept is unconditional. You don’t have to be conventionally pretty to be taken advantage of. It doesn’t matter what you’re wearing at the time it doesn’t matter where you are it doesn’t matter if you think you know someone or not NO ONE deserves to be violated like that. I understand that harassment and sexual assault is not limited to women, but I feel the need to speak mainly on what I am familiar with. 

I was in New York with my family. We were walking through the streets of Manhattan and we walked through a group of men hanging out and they all whistled at me. My mom threatened to hit them with a flyswatter. 

I had a teacher in highschool who was particularly interested in our adherence to the dress code. In the middle of class he would make us stand up and touch our toes so he could measure if our skirts were too short. There were times when he called me out specifically and I was mortified. There was one day when I was sick and he called and asked to speak to me personally. He asked me if I was okay and taking care of myself and he made sure that if there was anything he could do that I should let him know. He asked me to be his TA the next school year, but before that could happen he was arrested. 

I dated a guy in highschool that cursed me out profusely when we broke up. He told me that I thought I was better than him and that I was trash and a loser. He couldn’t fathom the idea that I was capable of making my own choices.

The male mentors on my robotics team always talked over me. It was a miracle if I got a word in. Towards the end, I could finally hold my own, but it was a process. There were days when I would cry to my dad because I was trying so hard to prove myself. I told myself every day that the next day I wouldn’t cry in front of them because if I did they wouldn’t take me seriously. 

In Disney World I had a guy run up to me and ask for my snapchat because he thought I was pretty. I had never met him, we knew nothing about each other. It was supposed to be a compliment, but I felt objectified. 

I was at a frat party at UD. I was hanging out with my friends when a guy tapped me from behind and we started a conversation. He was a really nice guy, very sweet, but when my friends came back and told me they were about to leave I felt very trapped. The guy I was talking to seemed sad and he told them that they could leave and he would watch out for me. I thanked him, but went with my friends anyway and a few days later he stopped talking to me. 

I got cheated on because my ex was bored and had other options

I’ve now blocked 3+ guys on social media for constantly asking to hang out because I’m scared of how they’ll react if I say no. God forbid you reject a man. The second you do you’re called a fraud and told you’re not that pretty anyway and you’re selfish and not actually that great and are a waste of time. 

So no, no I wasn’t raped, but I have every reason to write this post. Fuck Brock Turner. Fuck Donald Trump. Fuck Bill Cosby. I could go on and on and on. This is not just a race war, this is people standing up to what they never could. Is the country in disarray? Yes, but I say, bring it on. I’m sick and tired of people making jokes about things that are serious problems. I’m sick and tired of men thinking they’re entitled to me. I don’t owe men SHIT. I shouldn’t be surprised when someone treats me right or opens a door for me or asks for my consent. How messed up is that that the bare minimum seems like a reward. 

So to the guys reading this: when I say, “I hate men” don’t get defensive, don’t say “not me though,” don’t make jokes. When I say I hate men I mean I hate the system that degrades me to nothing in their presence. I’m tired of feeling like a hero in my econ class because I’m the only girl speaking up. I’m tired of people assuming that I only work out cause I’m trying to impress someone. I’m tired of feeling like a failure because I feel uncomfortable and disrespected sending certain pictures fuck that. 

I know there are good guys out there, I do. I just wish there were more because there’s nothing quite like feeling constantly used. It really puts a damper on your image of yourself. 

I am not here to please anyone. I am not here for you, I’m here for me, and if I recognize that someone in my life is good for me then they will stay, otherwise, you can snip snip yourself out of my life. I’m not a piece of meat. I have thoughts and feelings and I can have intellectual conversations and I can use power tools and solve math equations and I’m not an idiot and I’m not a toy so I refuse to be treated like that ever again. 

I used to be afraid to say that I was a feminist, but now I can say so with absolute confidence and if you’re a male that’s uncomfortable with that then good, think about what that means. Men ARE smarter and more capable after all, right? 

[soupsandwichpizza]

Sick and Tired

I used to have a serious anger issue. I tried many ways to deal with it. The military, martial arts, meditation, letting it out on inanimate objects, bottling it up to deal with later, all kinds of things. But nothing has ever helped me to get rid of it completely. Nothing has ever allowed me to be free of my anger, rage, and hatred for this world I live in. With the epiphany that I’m transgender, I thought that I’d finally discovered the source of my anger. I thought that it was because I had been forced to hide myself from such a young age. I thought that I had learned at a very young age that I was allowed to be angry, but I wasn’t allowed to be sad, and that was why I had such issues.

Upon discovering that I should have been born a girl and that there’s nothing wrong with me for being this way, I began to drape myself in femininity. I figured that repressing the girl inside was causing my issues, therefore, immersion in the female would cure all my ills. But it didn’t work as well as I thought it should. To be sure, a lot of my issues have been reduced to the point of practically being non-existent. It’s kind of like saying that the inferno has been reduced to a candle flame. And for that, I’m eternally grateful! You have no idea what it’s like to have the spoons to deal with my life instead of lashing out physically or internalizing things to the point of physical symptoms of the stress and rage I carried. I had always been only moments away from doing something extremely stupid and the slightest things would have set me off.

I don’t want to minimize the benefits I’ve seen from my transition, to the contrary, I’m more relaxed and at peace now that I have probably ever been. However, my anger issues persist, and I really don’t like that about myself. As I realized that covering myself in femininity wasn’t helping me as much as it should have, I began to back off that. I allowed myself more freedom in my expression, I allowed myself more room to grow in my gender, both the expression of it as well as my sense of it. I started to allow myself the freedom to simply BE. I found that I don’t like the feeling of vulnerability I get when I am looking really feminine. I found that I prefer to wear a “persona” of sorts. It’s the same kind of persona that I used to wear in high school. By being someone who looks tough and mean, I gain a kind of armor against the hatred and cruelty of this world. And I’m okay with that, it’s comfortable to me. What’s more, this persona, this armor, it doesn’t cause me any stress or anger or angst. If anything, I don’t get the chance to take things as far as I’d like, my boss wouldn’t like it very much if I came to work with a mohawk.

But my anger issue is coming from somewhere, and lately I’ve been trying to figure out the mystery. Because I don’t like being such an angry person all the time. I don’t like needing to meditate. I don’t like having to use the discipline taught to me by the military and my martial arts training. I don’t like having to swallow my irritation in an effort to keep from lashing out at someone undeserving. I don’t like needing to apologize for when I’ve been unable to control myself. All too often I find myself an emotional wreck. All too often I find myself choking back tears for things that shouldn’t be as emotional as they are to me. All too often I find myself dealing with a swirl of anger, guilt, self-hate, depression, and confusion. All too often I find myself wondering what the fuck happened?

I used to think it was just me. I inherited my anger and rage. Then I thought it was how I was raised. I learned my anger and rage. Eventually I came to understand that my anger and rage were a reaction to the world around me and that once I got the world to see me as I am (for the most part), my anger and rage began to dissipate. What remained confused me though. I didn’t understand why I couldn’t shake it. It came in waves too. Waves that I initially determined were due to the medications I was taking. And it was true, and it did seem to follow my ups and downs for this medication which was VERY out of specification. And so, I’ve been going down the road of adjusting things, waiting for my body to metabolize the adjustment, and then getting retested. A process which takes 2-3 months on average for each adjustment. Meanwhile, I asked that people be understanding of how things are for me. I didn’t want to inadvertently offend anyone.

Things still aren’t as they should be, however. I know that this medication is VERY likely not the cause of my continued anger issue. The level has been adjusted enough, and I’ve been sensitive to the symptoms, enough so that I can now say that I’m positive that the medication isn’t the cause. While I’m also VERY sure that the imbalance of the medication was a contributing factor, I’m also VERY sure that it isn’t the cause by itself. There are other symptoms when my medication is out of whack, and those symptoms are easy to detect and track. And while the meds can make my anger issue worse, they don’t follow with my issue or the initial outbreak of my anger.

What my experience has shown me, is that my issue is being caused by one specific person. It took me until today to fully realize what’s been happening. When I finally realized it, I had one of those forehead slapping moments when you just want to degrade yourself for being a fool for not having seen it earlier. But it’s my nature to be a different (vulnerable) person to those close to me. And therefore, it’s those close to me who can do me the most harm. As they say, hindsight is twenty-twenty, and this is a classic example of that. Now that I see, now that my eyes are open, I’m going do my best to keep this person from messing with my head. That means that I’m going to have to distance myself from them. In my world, it’s not easy to get to know me, it’s not easy to get behind my walls. Once there, I’m an open book, and that’s easily used against me.

The thing that I’ve had to learn to come to this conclusion is this. I’m not here to make other people happy. No matter how much I love you. No matter how much I care. I’M NOT HERE TO MAKE OTHER PEOPLE HAPPY. Because if all I do is make others happy, there’s no happiness left for myself. If I don’t allow myself to be who I am and if I’m not loved and accepted for being that person, then the relationship/friendship is built on a lie. No matter what it looks like I’m throwing away, I’m not. Because it was never there to begin with. I would rather throw away something that I’ve never had and walk away to look for something true.

Because I’m tired of being angry all the time. Because I’m tired of not being allowed to be the person I am inside. Because I’m sick of pretending that everything is okay when it hasn’t been in a VERY long time. Because I’m tired of being confused all the time. Because I’m tired of being depressed all the time. Because I’m sick of being the “bad guy” all the time. Because I’m sick of doing whatever is necessary to keep the peace all the time. Because I’m tired of living a life that I’m not happy with. Because I’m tired of trying to help those who obviously don’t want my help. Because I’m sick of helplessly watching someone I love continue to walk a dark path. Because I’m sick of feeling guilty for simply trying to be happy. Because I’m tired of explaining myself to someone who always misinterprets my actions in the worst possible way. Because I’m sick of drowning myself in alcohol all the time in an effort to drown my feelings of guilt. Because I’m tired of never getting what I want out of my life. Because I’m sick of not being trusted. Because I’m tired of giving everything I’ve got and it’s still not good enough

Because I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired.

[surge42-blog]

Do What Thou Wilt: A sermon by Ab-Soul

Ab-Soul's Do What Thou Wilt album is perhaps one of his most controversial offerings. Soul having called it a love story and female appreciation album, it baffles many listeners when they listen to the album because it seems as if Soulo is throwing too many concepts all over the place.....or is he? After a random listening of the album I picked up a something out of nowhere. EVANGELISM The album starts out aggressive as it kicks off with RAW(backwards). Soul starts out by evangelizing listeners as the Carson native raps "another Baptism by Pastor Black Lip". What is he evangelizing them from? Well it's answer in hook which goes "we don't wanna hear that whack shit no more",which could be directed towards his contemporaries who rap about money,hoes,clothes,drugs dealing, and glorifying the gang life. The "battlemongers"(haters) called him a reject as he puts considering how much negativity he's gained from his previous album "These Days...",but Soul doesn't allow this to deter him. Then comes the most notorious part of the sing,which is a jab at Jay Electronica who was featured with Kendrick over the controversial Control track. It should be noted that there has been tension between Kenny and Jay after the chain of events set off by Lamar's verse. Ab protests that "it hurts when an O.G who was supposed to be a G.O.D is standing next to King Kunta(Lamar) feeling like Tobi",he means that it saddens him to see a respected artist as Electronica shows signs of having an inferiority complex for a song verse that was not really supposed to have bothered him...or anyone for that matter. This song is called RAW(backwards) which is WAR,not physical but rather a war of words,Soul's preachings are a weapon to fight against the problem he is yet to elaborate on. "Cause we don't die, we just multiply,divide and conquer": Ab-Soul's fan base or rather converts keep growing despite any hindrances (These Days...). He warns listeners that "the truth is scary" and that they must brace themselves for his teachings and making the listener anxious. "Wicked as Aleister Crowley" is a line Soul has used time and time again...not to be misinterpreted by any means,he is comparing himself to Crowley because Soul has cult following of fans similar to how Crowley had a cult following of converts. The next song Braille comes in with a wonderful Bas feature. But why Braille? Braille is a writing system used by the blind in place of normal alphabets,it is an unusual alphabet system for the normal seeing person which makes sense as I continue to explain. The song begins with the hook "Try saying something new,ain't nothing new to say, everything been did each and every which way" in reference to the wack shit that Soul spoke of: the repetitive songs about money,fame,women etc. But he continues "you ain't never seen it done like this" meaning Soul is about to bring something new to the masses,something out of the ordinary kinda like making non-blind people read Braille..am I right? The song doesn't seem all that 'new' as you listening to it,Soul uses a generic flow,and raps about the same things he just called wack("we went from Pentos to Benzos" along with the braggadocio that ccomes with hip-hop), although he does keep his witty lines accompanied by Bas' killer verse. This song seems more like a parody of today's music really...until the end of course. The beat becomes distorted and Ab raps "What the tongue can't taste,what the eyes can't see,what the ears can't hear",it's about his subject matter of the album,stating to the evangelized listener that it makes no sense or better yet,it is unfathomable. Huey Knew THEN begins to play its sinister instrumental. This song is about the financial prosperity of the black man as Soul begins with a rendition of The Fresh Prince Of Bel Air theme. Will Smith on the show portrays a young man from his low income lifestyle in Philadelphia moving to a neighborhood of wealth. Soul raps "I gotta shoot a fuckin' free throw to make my point". A longstanding stereotype about the black man is that the only way a black man can make it out of poverty is through basketball. Now onto Huey, the man who the song is named after. He was a civil rights activist fighting for the equality of the black man in order give him a chance to prosper but the system has been designed to keep the black man from achieving: the guns and drugs prevalent in black neighborhoods which lead to gang wars and the likes. Black out is used as a metaphor for death,black out being a minor sleeping state which is considered the cousin of Death which is in turn reaffirmed by the reference of the pale white horse. Telling white lies refers to the underhandedband shady dealings of gangbanging which also leads to the demise of the black man. "White lives matter when I black out" means white people become the topic of discussion in the death of a black man(such as the case of Trayvon Martin). Soul talks about "looking for shortcut to be an icon" but later says he's only doing it for the money,but not in a condescending way,he means he's doing it to make a living for himself as a black man with limited opportunity. And then the line "your 16 is pint sized to me" is referring to the rappers he addresses in RAW(backwards) and Braille meaning that their raps are meaningless to him,and furthermore lack true meaning to him. In the first three songs of the album Soul directs our attention away from these unnamed rappers and directs us towards him instead. This is the evangelism phase of the album. But wait...there's more. Huey was part of the Vanguard and it is a known fact that women were not allowed to join in. This sets the stage for the next song. THE SERMON Now that Ab-Soul has converted you and baptized you into his religion, he begins his sermon to the new and old converts(fans). He begins his song Threatening Nature with "this time around we're taking atheists to church,serving serpents with sermons with curse words". He talks to not only the nonbelievers of God but also the sinners using his profanity filled raps. Soul says his heart pumps the same blood as Jehovah's son or rather Joseph meaning Jesus. White people have long used religion to paint other races as inferior,but this statement by Soul challenges such a notion firstly because Jesus was a human like anyone else and on top of that he wasn't even white to begin with,this is continuing the theme of racial equality from the previous track. He challenges (threatens) the norm(nature) that he is white. Soul then switches the focus from race to something else...gender. He says "coming with lies to tell fairies(women) out of nowhere to help my selfish desires(sex)",Soul talks about how he deceived women into sleeping with him. "My life is about the vices(sin)" no explanation needed. Then he opens the first book of the bible and takes us to the garden if Eden. He talks about Adam,"If Eve never ate that apple he'd be mad sad",apple in this sense refers to Adam's sexual organs(the forbidden fruit),"and would've never pulled the leaves off of Eve and seen all that ass like a true man",Soul details how men use women as sex objects by using the example of himself and Adam and he says its "10 times harder fighting temptation". Men are tempted to feed their primal urges to have sex with women,but he is by no means defending men. Soul criticizes men by telling them that they bow down to pray to a man they don't understand (God) and get on one knee to propose to women(getting married without understanding the true meaning or purpose of marriage). Oh I love this part,"in grade school I learned about HIStory but what about HER story,did anybody ask?". In history women are not represented as much as they should and thus are overlooked in most cases. If it's not about the founding FATHERS,JFK,the first man on the moon, Martin Luther King,or Obama then it's rarely about women. "Tryna flower Queen Elizabeth",in a male run world it seems that in most cases the female power(Queen Elizabeth) is always shut down and dismantled(deflower). Soul says Genesis is the genealogy of Isis. With all that is going on around the world I can bet all my money that we all thought about the terrorist group ISIS...you know I'm right. But I think Soul is referring to the Egyptian goddess worshipped as the ideal MOTHER and WIFE. Isis is held in high regard and using her to symbolize Eve says a lot. "The chicken came before the egg"...uhm,hold that thought for now I'll explain that later. Soul goes back to HIStory when he talks about his ancestors picking cotton to their liberation from slavery today(Huey Knew) but we were so focussed on everything else that we forgot about speaking out on sexism because "the black man could vote before the women could". We sing hymns in church but what about the hers Soul asks with his witty wordplay. "Hilary Clinton tryna get ahead in the senate",Hilary was so close to making history as America's first female president the most powerful spot in the world,something that seemed like a dream at first but the fact that she didn't become president proves Soul's point even more on how the female power is always shut down. Soul says "getting head and I'm sinning"(female sex object theme). Men don't want to see a woman in power,they rather they cook,clean,pleasure them in bed...such a travesty don't you think? TESTIMONY OF THE PRIEST In mid-sermon, Ab-Soul takes a moment to talk about his sins as a man. The beginning of his testimony starts with Womanogany. In the song Soulo uses the imagery of Aphrodite (goddess of love,beauty,pleasure,and procreation) and her son Eros (god of desire,erotic love, attraction,and affection) and how they play tug of war with him. Aphrodite symbolizes genuine love while Eros symbolizes lust and thus Soul struggles between forming a genuine relationship with a woman and sleeping with a woman just for the sake of sleeping with her. This theme echoes throughout the hook that goes "I LIKE girls that's in LOVE with me". Soul manipulates women's attraction to him to please his sexual desires and confirms this when he says "gave her morning wood and rolled my wood in the morning" (one night stand). ScHoolboy Q's part on the hook "From the womb to the tomb nigga,keep that womb in that tomb nigga" is about some of the women aborting their babies(from the womb to the tomb) after Soul defiled them. A SINNER'S PRAYER The testimony continues as Soul details his calls for God's favor (an invocation) in the next song. Soul has been womanogamous(slept with so many women) and worries that his behavior might harm him as he symbolizes pussy as destructive and dangerous (Sexually Transmitted Infections). "That's why the wealthy need welfare",many affluent(wealthy) men have used their money for sexual favors and like Soul they fear for their health. In the hook Soul raps "He is I and I am Him" meaning he is a God...or rather God the Son(Jesus), symbolism he used heavily in "These Days...",and he also raps "I pray to Lord my soul's a G,if I O.D before I awake,I pray I ressurect on the third day". If you look closely at that line Ab is spelling out the word GOD,and also with the ressurection part he is praying it the Lord that he reaches a state of godliness and righteousness before he dies. Soul continues comparing himself to Jesus as people talk about him at barbershops and white kids wanting his autograph, his fame is spreading just like that of Christ, and like Christ he too is challenging the norms of his time. This prayer to God as I said is for Soul to be righteous and flee his sinful nature(sex). But like any recovering sinner he stumbles too as he says "Come suck Jesus'(Ab-Soul's) penis on Venus (desire)" going back to treating women as objects of sexual fulfilment. This is also relates to how women would want to satisfy Jesus in anyway they can(story of Mary Magdalene),the only difference her is that unlike Jesus who didn't seek sexual pleasure, Soul did. The Crowley and Jesus references go hand in hand because they also thought Jesus was spreading an evil doctrine although he was trying to enlighten people. Soul talks about "faith without the 'h' ",it is fait(fate) which is destiny...our destiny to go to "where the arc of the covenant is still" (Heaven). FELLOW SINNERS We move on from the struggling Ab-Soul and focus on his peers on Wifey vs. WiFi. This song is about Soul's friend,Riley. On verse 1 Riley gets arrested for possession of drugsdrugs and we hear the cell doors close on him. The hook is Riley reprimanding his girl(Wifey) for complain about missing her calls when he has to deal with matters of doing time in prison. In verse two Riley complains to Soul about his(Riley's) mother always arguing to him(most likely about his mistakes which lead him into prison), and calls her devil which Soul reacts to by telling Riley to "chill" and Riley continues to insult his mother(misogyny theme) by correlating the word "MOM" to it's corresponding numbers on the dial pad (666). Then we move on to Riley on the inside of prison,portrayed by BR3. This details Riley's survival on the inside of prison and somehow making many to send to his mother. He asks "why did I have to lose the case?" and continues "I feel like Biggie when he lost faith". Riley's life has been controlled by the system because of the life he chose(drug dealing,banging,etc). He has lost faith in having a better future and lost faith in God (although he reaped what he sowed). His life has spiraled and to top things off he suspects his girl is having sexual relations with other men. Riley chose the thug life which is about the masculinity that comes with street cred,and machismo which is evident in his disrespect of his mother and girlfriend. There's a Boondocks reference here. Huey the older brother is the activist fighting for civil rights of black men and Riley the younger brother is the one with an affinity for the thug life. But even with this difference they share one thing in common....they forget about the women. Riley aught to repent from his sinful ways like Soul but he doesn't. IT'S A SINNER'S WORLD Riley is saddened that he had to lose his case. But some sinners were luckier than Riley who are able to elude the clutches of prison. They are better off because they don't allow the system to send them off to every black man's perceived destiny (prison) so they beat the case like runaway slaves fleeing from their oppressors. But they're oblivious to the fact that their actions contribute to the control system. Straight Crooked sheds more light on the situation on people like Riley. "A prisoner's best asset is his liability (lie ability)",the criminals who beat their cases in the court room lied their way out of their situations and misleading the law enforcement (don't snitch). Ab calls the government a Muppet show or rather a joke of a system which is used to keep the black man from succeeding. Huey tries to break this system to give the black man equal opportunity to financially prosper but in failing to do so people like Riley resort to criminal activity to try and financial prosperity. All the efforts seem to be in vain. DON'T SHOOT THE MESSENGER Portishead In The Morning begins with Soul reviving his Jesus reference by calling himself a demigod (half human half god). Soul tells us he's "the brightest silver lining" and urges the converts at the service to not "make me take my light back". This sentence relates to one of Soul's lines "You can have all my shine I'll give you the light" as in the phrase "shed light"(knowledge/information). Like Jesus he tries to spread a message and urges listeners to withhold this knowledge which has been withheld from them by the system (forbidden knowledge). He asks congregants if they view him as man carrying a message(prophet) or think this is just Soul using a gimmick for financial gain(profit). They acknowledge his intellect but they tell him to dumb it down to gain greater appeal from the masses. Ab-Soul tests the male listeners in his sermon by asking a trick question: "Do you really wanna go to Heaven? Ain't no bitches mentioned". There are no female figures mentioned to be in heaven, all Angels that have been mentioned have been male, God is male,cherubs have various body parts with the head of a man. Soul paints a picture of divine sausage fest but the question is used to test the hearts of men, would they rather go to heaven or go to hell to fornicate as much as they want to. He references his song from Control System "Bohemian Grove" which is about the club of the same name which rejected women from joining, which it has been criticized for being misogynistic. In a way Soul's question is also sarcastic because he knows women are allowed in heaven(I ain't sexist,I'm inviting sisters too) so why doesn't the Grove do the same? Soul grabs the attention of atheists when he says the devil is a creation and not a creator and quotes the scientific law "energy is not created nor destroyed". God is energy because he is the uncreated creator. He uses science to prove the existence of God to the atheist converts. Describing the devil in an opposite way makes him less powerful and godlike and making him more inferior (Soul is not a satanist guys remember that). Soul ends with "God gotta be a thot". Let me explain, this song comes after two songs about sinners and criminals who have no problem in disrespecting women so this is where Soul addresses the misogynists in the room because God gave birth to Adam, thus making him a lifegiver meaning God is a female in that sense so by disrespecting the females you're nalso disrespecting God too. THOT is a term of disrespect for women so therefore if men call women thots(that.hoe.over.there) then you're pretty much calling God a that too....I hope you understood what I meant in that explanation. So when Soulo talks about the blood from your brain and beat rushing elsewhere (penis) and can't think and can't run(function) which is pretty much how men are when they are around these so called thots,they get horny and let their instincts drive them without thinking about what is it they are doing(which is defiling women),so this is Soul sort of asking you "you defile women,do you want to defile God too now?"(obviously the answer from the congregants at Soul's funeral should be no). Soul is teaching them a harsh lesson here to respect women. THE TRUTH IS SCARY Ab-Soul pretty much dropped a bombshell in the previous track which made way for the scary truth he spoke of earlier in the album which is God's A Girl...but it's more of a question from the congregants "Reverend are you really saying God's A Girl?". Some might think Soul contradicts himself,"you shit on us for calling women thots but you call them bitches",but Soul has stated in an interview with Soul that nowadays the term "bitch" is more of a term of endearment, kinda how men calk each other dawgs(dogs) so the female equivalent would be bitch. God's A Girl? is a second testimony by Soul. He starts by saying "you got me crying with a hard dick,I love you so much that I hate this shit",Ab trying to keep to his promise to refrain from his sexual urges says he cares about women that he hates the fact he has this urges in the first place, but then Soul reverts to sin when he says "come have sex with Jesus(Ab-Soul)" and "do your job" followed by a woman moaning during sex. He now uses women as sex objects again and being misogynistic again by telling the woman to do her job(sex). He thought he learned from his mistakes on Womanogamy but failed as he gives in to temptation. He shows the men he addressed in the previous song that "I too am not perfect so don't feel too ashamed when you also slip up". Soul raps "all I got is Goddess,I'm a heroine addict"......Soul becomes womanogamous again. The song pauses as Soul has a conversation and in the background we hear SZA's chorus on God's Reign...you do the math. In the second part of song,Soulo fell off way hard as he talks about going to rehab and the possibility that he might relapse(Soul's repentance and return to sin). He winds up acting like the rappers he addressed in RAW(backwards) as Soul raps about the "wack shit" too such as indulging in alcohol with peers,trying live recklessly like a rock star, getting fellatio in an expensive car and bragging about having more money than certain individuals. Towards the end Soulo contemplates his actions. "On the mountain top about to cry cause it gets so lonely up here",like any rise to fame it gets lonely at the top,he has the money but not the happiness. "Is anyone out there? Can anybody hear me?" is where he references his song from Longterm 2 of the same name where he raps about selling his soul and "Am I the next Shakur or an attention whore"...this is what Soul became,"I could save you with quotes"...this is what Soul needs to be again. This is the point of the song where he gets sense knocked into him and he realizes how much he's fallen and scrutinizes the world around him which is the "generation of complacency (self satisfaction)",the same world he became a part of for a moment. Soul vows to better himself to do the right thing when he puts his "right hand in the Bible with you". In his testimonies he has just revealed to us his demons and vows to try his best to change for the better and to leave his life of self satisfaction and misogyny. Now Jesus (Ab-Soul) goes back to his mission of trying to teach listeners. He raps "my ancestors came on a mother ship so I had to take it farther(father)". A child is born of the mother and lives under the rules and guidance of the father,Soul's ancestor(Adam) came on a mother ship(given birth by God) and lived under the rules of his father(also God). The song title is a question of whether God is a girl or not but the way Soulo puts it he is saying "Yes,God is a girl....but...he's also a man,so he's both" meaning God is equally male and female. This is a powerful revelation from Soul because what this teaches us is that even by divine law men and women are equal(the whole point of feminism). TAKE THE TRUTH AND EAT IT And Now You Know the scary truth Soul was hinting at in the beginning,the theory that the chicken(mother) came before the egg(child). At this point Soul knowing that this is a lot for you take in tells you to "try to relax". This track serves as a revision as Soul rreprises the line "I'm just a youngin' Del Amo"(Huey Knew),"cups with ices"(alcohol from God's A Girl?). Soul talks about being "miseducated, misled,misinterpreted, misunderstood, mistaken,misjudged" and a misfit causing mischieve. Majority of these words pretty much mean "I had things all wrong" and noting the "mis-" prefixes Soul is saying not only did he have women all wrong but also that he was doing them wrong. When he said "all you feminists should be on my dick for this shit" he meant they aught to be Stans (dickriders) for coming with a such a powerful and elaborate means of promoting feminism. Soul says he would change out the 'y' in mystery with an 'i' meaning that he is now figuring out women and what they want...which is to be treated as equals. He references the Bohemian Grove song intro. Thus reminding us of the objective of gender equality. Soul alludes to his conception in the womb as he talks about meiosis and mitosis (cell division) and floating through a body of water(sperm swimming in uterus) and says "And you know why I love my momma so much" is because his mother gave him life(God's A Girl) which hints the hook of the next song. At the end of the song Soul takes a misogynistic pledge which is basically a summary of his old self and also clarifying to the male listeners on what constitutes to misogyny. THE PAIN OF THE PRESENT D.R.U.G.S is a call for help from Soul. Soul talks about his personal and emotional issues and the pain he tries to take away with drugs. Mac sings "I can't help myself I think I need some help" but the only help present to Ab is his drugs which have become his crutches. Towards the end he says "Aderall Admiral give Danny credit",Aderall Admiral is a song by Danny Brown about the drug Aderall. It should be noted that at one point in time Danny went onto Twitter to vent about his internal pain telling people that he doesn't do drugs because it's cool,he does drugs becausenhe has problems in his life and Danny has hinted at suicidal tendencies on his song "30". Soul referencing Danny in such a way tells us that behind the calm shades lies a broken man as we see in the album cover. He openly asks us his "brethren" to alleviate his pain. Ab-Soul has been using the Jesus symbolism throughout the album,so this moment on D.R.U.G.S is reminiscent of Jesus crying during prayer asking God to free him from the suffering he'll endure during his trial and crucifixion. This is the moment in the Bible where Jesus shows that he too is human with fear and pain. Soul is human too with problems like anyone else even though he keeps his composure in the public eye. In the music video for this song Soul calls to check up on his mom(God) and says he'll be coming home soon. But in Soul's background we can see Jerusalem as he says he's coming home(Heaven). This means souls will be crucified for our sins(album art of These Days...) and ascend to heaven. Don't Ruin Us God Said is lyrical reference to Lupe Fiasco's song "They.Ressurect.Over.New" which Soul is featured on. This means Soul will die and rise again (his song Stigmata) into something new and transformed....or rather reincarnated(which is the theme of T.R.O.N) this could also be hinting at Andy Weir's short story called The Egg where God says we are all one entity living out different incarnations of ourselves also giving a secondary meaning to Ab-Soul's line "he is I and I am him,they ain't me and I ain't them" meaning we are all different incarnations but we are one. This theme of unity ties in with the feministic theme of the album of male and female equality or in spirit science terms: unity of male energy(logic and analytical thinking) and female energy (creativity and abstract thought),unity of yin and yang to find peace and thus reach nirvana, a place of no suffering. This is the penultimate conclusion of Tetsuo & Youth which life,death,reincarnation("proceed to the next level") and finally Nirvana. Tetsuo & Youth is the game and Do What Thou Wilt is our instruction manual to get us to nirvana. TRIBUTE TO THE DEAD Evil Genius is a memorial service of Alori Joh(Ab's deceased girlfriend). He gathers longtime Alori Joh collaborator and friend Javonté for the ceremony. Soul first talks about himself as the misunderstood "evil" genius although his motives are good and talks about how Alori would help Soul as a partner in crime and calls her an evil genius too because she understood Ab and his motives. In the hook Soul references the song "Let You Shine" by Alori which he referenced on "The Book Of Soul' too,plus he even samples the song on Evil Genius but the song is distorted and gives it a ghostly feel. The last time Alori was heard was on Section.80 and Control System and so this is like Alori's ghost ressurecting and Teedra Moses' voice which is eerily similar to Joh's indeed makes it seem like she is rising from the grave. On D.R.U.G.S,Soul has a void in his heart which only Joh would've been able to fill and thus Soul realizes even more how alone he is and starts to break down. A BISHOP'S TEARS On Lonely Soul reiterates how much he is misunderstood as he baffles people like the Baphomet. The Baphomet anatomy is all over the place and is confusing and misunderstood by onlookers but in the madness there is meaning,kinda like Soul's lyricism,but the only person who understood Soul is dead and gone and he feels out of place. He sulks in this song telling people to "Leave me (a)lone". He goes back to his crutch,drugs[lavender(purple kush) and pastel green(chronic)]. When he is asked "What happens after Control System?" he replies "the system controls me". The loss of Alori hit Soul so hard and it heavily accounts for his reckless nature in his testimonies stated above and how the depression he felt made him even more vulnerable to the system and sinning. He says "a coward killed my brother Georgiano and his momma"(the thug life/Riley). The loved ones around him are dying and adds on to his depression. The only person who could help was Alori. Soul is the male energy which is destructive in the absence of the female energy (Alori),emphasizing the importance of a woman in a man's life. Soul is the Black Lip Pastor and Alori was his priestess. Alori made "The Love Religion",an album full of live songs dedicated to Soul. In the absence of the priestess,The Black Lip Pastor now takes over The Love Religion and is about to minister to us what the law of this religion is....."Love is the law,love the only law" as SZA sings. Soul gains his composure at this point of the sermon. Ab revisits the past and in a way "The Law" can be seen as a bonus track for "The Love Religion". He talks about getting money to feed his female(Alori). "We are divided to restore the balance" and remember the song by Alori "Happy Medium ft. Ab-Soul" where the couple is engaged in argument(divided) and they make up after Soul says "You know I'm tryna make your family my in-laws". The song is nicely completed by Rhapsody as she says "we took him(men) to heaven where those golds and arcs are at" as a cherry on top to what Soul has been saying throughout the album in the importance of women in the lives of men and reaffirming that male energy cannot function without female energy. THE END OF THE SERMON YMF is Soul rapping up the sermon. The hook basically means that Soul is a sinner like everyone else and in a way states that we need love to get through life. Love for each other not only as blacks and whites,natives and foreigners, but also as men and women. "Another portions of the big picture that you'll leave out of the portrait that you will paint for me",Soul is the portrait,and the woman in his life is destined to finish the portrait and finally make Soul to be whole. God is love God is peace God is a man God is a girl Women are the missing piece of men needed to bring peace into their lives and as such should be treated with respect. Soul is a Young Mind Fuck who is misunderstood, waiting for a woman who'll understand him so Soul can be at peace in this lifetime and reach a state of Nirvana. At the end of the song God in His female personification brings light into this surround by darkness. I'm not sure if I'm 100% correct but one thing is for certain.... DWTW will go down in history as one of Soul's most powerful albums.