#CantKeepLivingLikeThis

[thembrace21]

Fantasizing about getting fucked 💔

[soupsandwichpizza]

Sick and Tired

I used to have a serious anger issue. I tried many ways to deal with it. The military, martial arts, meditation, letting it out on inanimate objects, bottling it up to deal with later, all kinds of things. But nothing has ever helped me to get rid of it completely. Nothing has ever allowed me to be free of my anger, rage, and hatred for this world I live in. With the epiphany that I’m transgender, I thought that I’d finally discovered the source of my anger. I thought that it was because I had been forced to hide myself from such a young age. I thought that I had learned at a very young age that I was allowed to be angry, but I wasn’t allowed to be sad, and that was why I had such issues.

Upon discovering that I should have been born a girl and that there’s nothing wrong with me for being this way, I began to drape myself in femininity. I figured that repressing the girl inside was causing my issues, therefore, immersion in the female would cure all my ills. But it didn’t work as well as I thought it should. To be sure, a lot of my issues have been reduced to the point of practically being non-existent. It’s kind of like saying that the inferno has been reduced to a candle flame. And for that, I’m eternally grateful! You have no idea what it’s like to have the spoons to deal with my life instead of lashing out physically or internalizing things to the point of physical symptoms of the stress and rage I carried. I had always been only moments away from doing something extremely stupid and the slightest things would have set me off.

I don’t want to minimize the benefits I’ve seen from my transition, to the contrary, I’m more relaxed and at peace now that I have probably ever been. However, my anger issues persist, and I really don’t like that about myself. As I realized that covering myself in femininity wasn’t helping me as much as it should have, I began to back off that. I allowed myself more freedom in my expression, I allowed myself more room to grow in my gender, both the expression of it as well as my sense of it. I started to allow myself the freedom to simply BE. I found that I don’t like the feeling of vulnerability I get when I am looking really feminine. I found that I prefer to wear a “persona” of sorts. It’s the same kind of persona that I used to wear in high school. By being someone who looks tough and mean, I gain a kind of armor against the hatred and cruelty of this world. And I’m okay with that, it’s comfortable to me. What’s more, this persona, this armor, it doesn’t cause me any stress or anger or angst. If anything, I don’t get the chance to take things as far as I’d like, my boss wouldn’t like it very much if I came to work with a mohawk.

But my anger issue is coming from somewhere, and lately I’ve been trying to figure out the mystery. Because I don’t like being such an angry person all the time. I don’t like needing to meditate. I don’t like having to use the discipline taught to me by the military and my martial arts training. I don’t like having to swallow my irritation in an effort to keep from lashing out at someone undeserving. I don’t like needing to apologize for when I’ve been unable to control myself. All too often I find myself an emotional wreck. All too often I find myself choking back tears for things that shouldn’t be as emotional as they are to me. All too often I find myself dealing with a swirl of anger, guilt, self-hate, depression, and confusion. All too often I find myself wondering what the fuck happened?

I used to think it was just me. I inherited my anger and rage. Then I thought it was how I was raised. I learned my anger and rage. Eventually I came to understand that my anger and rage were a reaction to the world around me and that once I got the world to see me as I am (for the most part), my anger and rage began to dissipate. What remained confused me though. I didn’t understand why I couldn’t shake it. It came in waves too. Waves that I initially determined were due to the medications I was taking. And it was true, and it did seem to follow my ups and downs for this medication which was VERY out of specification. And so, I’ve been going down the road of adjusting things, waiting for my body to metabolize the adjustment, and then getting retested. A process which takes 2-3 months on average for each adjustment. Meanwhile, I asked that people be understanding of how things are for me. I didn’t want to inadvertently offend anyone.

Things still aren’t as they should be, however. I know that this medication is VERY likely not the cause of my continued anger issue. The level has been adjusted enough, and I’ve been sensitive to the symptoms, enough so that I can now say that I’m positive that the medication isn’t the cause. While I’m also VERY sure that the imbalance of the medication was a contributing factor, I’m also VERY sure that it isn’t the cause by itself. There are other symptoms when my medication is out of whack, and those symptoms are easy to detect and track. And while the meds can make my anger issue worse, they don’t follow with my issue or the initial outbreak of my anger.

What my experience has shown me, is that my issue is being caused by one specific person. It took me until today to fully realize what’s been happening. When I finally realized it, I had one of those forehead slapping moments when you just want to degrade yourself for being a fool for not having seen it earlier. But it’s my nature to be a different (vulnerable) person to those close to me. And therefore, it’s those close to me who can do me the most harm. As they say, hindsight is twenty-twenty, and this is a classic example of that. Now that I see, now that my eyes are open, I’m going do my best to keep this person from messing with my head. That means that I’m going to have to distance myself from them. In my world, it’s not easy to get to know me, it’s not easy to get behind my walls. Once there, I’m an open book, and that’s easily used against me.

The thing that I’ve had to learn to come to this conclusion is this. I’m not here to make other people happy. No matter how much I love you. No matter how much I care. I’M NOT HERE TO MAKE OTHER PEOPLE HAPPY. Because if all I do is make others happy, there’s no happiness left for myself. If I don’t allow myself to be who I am and if I’m not loved and accepted for being that person, then the relationship/friendship is built on a lie. No matter what it looks like I’m throwing away, I’m not. Because it was never there to begin with. I would rather throw away something that I’ve never had and walk away to look for something true.

Because I’m tired of being angry all the time. Because I’m tired of not being allowed to be the person I am inside. Because I’m sick of pretending that everything is okay when it hasn’t been in a VERY long time. Because I’m tired of being confused all the time. Because I’m tired of being depressed all the time. Because I’m sick of being the “bad guy” all the time. Because I’m sick of doing whatever is necessary to keep the peace all the time. Because I’m tired of living a life that I’m not happy with. Because I’m tired of trying to help those who obviously don’t want my help. Because I’m sick of helplessly watching someone I love continue to walk a dark path. Because I’m sick of feeling guilty for simply trying to be happy. Because I’m tired of explaining myself to someone who always misinterprets my actions in the worst possible way. Because I’m sick of drowning myself in alcohol all the time in an effort to drown my feelings of guilt. Because I’m tired of never getting what I want out of my life. Because I’m sick of not being trusted. Because I’m tired of giving everything I’ve got and it’s still not good enough

Because I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired.