#sNORRTS .

[stuff-i-found-while-crying]

A stage of fire and dreams (4)

inspired by @gwandas and they post: modern Neris AU where Eris is a trust fund asshole at Harvard Law, Nesta is a professional ballerina with the Boston Ballet

Finally managed to write another part! Its the Dinner!

Main Pairing: Nesta x Eris

other character: Mama and papa archeron, Elain, Feyre, an elevator boy, a waiter, and a surprise mention.

first part - Giselle I second part - red shoes I part three - Cinderella

Dinner for two

Nesta wore bright red lipstick. Her father had looked concerned. Even more so when he saw the dress she picked.

"I can pick you up, if it gets too late", he said softly from his spot in front of the TV. 

Her mother scoffed. A clear message. The later she stayed out, the better.

So Nesta put on her high boots, brushed over the skirt of her black dress and grabbed her purse.

It was just dinner. A business meeting almost.

Thats what she told herself.

At least for one night she could eat what she wanted and that was what she would do.

"You look pretty", Elain shouted from the kitchen.

Feyre appered behind her, jaw on the floor. "Are you going to dinner, or are you planning on being the dinner?"

"Fuck yourself", Nesta smiled at her. "Oh wait, thats what Rhysand is for."

Feyre almost attacked her, but Nesta just turned and left.

The car that waited for her outside was flashy. Black, clean and sharp.

Quiet like her own dress.

Before she could loose her nerves at the sight of an obvious expansive car in her poor little neighboorhood, Eris appeared.

He wore a green dinner jacket and a black button-down. Golden cuffs, golden rings and even golden buttons. His red curls crowned his head in flames. Nesta felt a spark in her chest.

"Good Evening", he said. His eyes wandered over her but no muscle in his face betrayed him. Instead he smiled at her. "You are as lovely as I remember."

Nesta snorrted. Last time they saw each other her feet had been bloody and her face had been covered in sweat.

"Thank you", she said. "Although I dont know if that is a compliment."

His grin deepend and dimples appeared. "Everything I say is a compliment, my dear."

"Then concider me sufficiantly complimented."

It was so easy.

The sparkle in his eyes, the elegance with which he opened the car door for her, his warm hand on her back.

Nesta was forgetting herself. He made her soft. And she needed to focus.

While he closed her door and rounded the car she took a deep breath.

This was just dinner.

He was a good looking man and she was allowed to enjoy herself.

Except that the voice of her mother was still in her head.

He could give you the next big role, if you play your cards right.

Then they sat in the car. And Eris looked at her.

"Before I forget again", he grapped something from the backseat, leaning close to her in the process.

Nesta smelled his collogne. Forest, was the first thing she thought of. Wildness.

His breath hit her ear for one delicious second.

Then he pulled back and layed a bouquet of flowers in her lap.

"Shall I compare thee to a flower next?", he joked.

"Please do", she said. But her fingers closed around the bouquet.

It was a lovely arrangement of dark reds and whites.

Lust and Innocence.

Elain loved flowers and had one summer annoyed them all with flower talk. Until her mother hat told her to find something more profitiable than silly plants.

But Nesta had never thought Elain silly.

Now, looking at the flowers in her lap she wondered if Eris also knew the meaning.

Her eyes found his.

He winked at her and started the car.

"Tell me your favorite flower", he demanded.

"Tulips", she said. 

"Liar."

"How would you know?"

"You are not the spring type."

She fixaded him. "Roses."

For a second his eyes found hers, than he turned his gaze back to the street. "Classy. But why do I feel like you are still hiding?"

"What is your favourite?"

"Roses."

She scoffed.

"See? Not believable."

She fought against the smile. But his lazy grin was intoxicating.

"Lillies", she said quietly. 

His face hartened for a bit but then he nodded. "Flower for the dead. Fitting for Giselle."

His hand reached for the radio. Classical Music started to play. Dramatic and a bit sad.

"Choose a channel."

Nesta pursed her lips. "I quiet enjoy this."

He chuckled. "As you wish. Keep your secrets for now."

They stopped infront of a hotel.

And there again was the voice of her mother. Anything he wants.

Her grip around the flowers tident.

"Relax", he said. "We are here for the restaurant on the top floor."

She nodded, but still avoided his gaze. A rush of heat made her look anywhere but him. In her heart she cursed her mother that she ruined this date before it even began.

But she would not give her that satisfaction.

Nesta would enjoy the date. Because his eyes burned with fire and the hand he offered her while she got out of the car was strong and warm.

He guided her through the lobby. Ignored the golden doors to the public retaurant, walked across the white marble and red carpet until they reached the elevators. More gilded doors. This Hotel even had an elevator boy, who greeted them politely and pressed the top button.

Nesta put on her best stage face. Not one glanze showed how much her feet hurt, or how she longed to check herself in the mirror to see if her hair was still in place. But when she shivered slightly, Eris immediatly noticed.

Without a word he dropped his jacket over her shoulders.

"Good thing black goes well with anything", she said.

His eyes wondered down her body again. And Again Nesta felt a spark.

"I must say, green suits you", he said. "Maybe I should have a jacket tailored for you. This is your style."

For a split second she thought of another jacket, made out of leather.

"Thank you, but I have many jackets of my own."

The elevator stopped. As the doors glided open Nesta thought she saw a tiny frown on Eris face. But when she looked again he was smiling at her.

Again he walked out of the elevator and into the restaurant as if he owned the place. He probably did. Nesta had looked up his family and was shooked to find that the Vanserra Empire was next to Velaris Enterprise, the biggest company in the state, if not the country. The only difference was that the Vanserra family was far more quiet in their business and no one knew how gib they company truly was.

The restaurant was fancy. Nesta looked for a better word but she was too overwhelmed. So much kristall and velvet and flowers.

Red mostly, with gilded tables and chairs. Royal colours for a rich family.

A Waiter came and seated them next to a Balcony with view of the entire city. They ordered quiekly, Nesta wandering how much the food would cost, since the prices weren`t even printed on the menu. But Eris was only smiling at her and asking which wine she prefered.

She was once again reminded in their differences.

"All this just for a dinner with a Ballerina?", she asked.

"Oh Ms. Archeron", his tone was playful. "Dinner is the most important meal of the day. And you are the most important dancer in my mothers favorite theater."

"Only for one play", she said.

It slipt out. But she could feel her mother breathing down her neck.

His gaze shifted. Instead of the playful glim a calculating starre took over.

"I wish I could stay on. Even as part of the Chorus", she said, her heart beating erratic. "But once you danced the Main part they would never hire you again as something else."

Without a word he pulled out his phone. Nesta straightened her back. His jacket was still over her shoulders, shielding her against the cold. Their eyes met.

He dialed a number. "Mr. Heartfelt! I am calling you in a very urgent matter. My mother has expressed again and again how much she enjoyed Nesta Archerons performance. It would be a pitty to loose such a talent, don't you think?"

Nesta was ashamed. But she gripped the hem of her skirt and said nothing. At least her mother would be happy.

Eris eyes bore into her. "And double her pay."

With that he hung up.

They sat in silence again.

"Your mother wanted you to use me, did she not?"

"Don't pretend like you don't want to use me, too!"

"Oh Dove", he leaned over the table and the spark returned to his eyes. "The only thing I want from you is to loosen up and enjoy the date. I am trying to impress you here. And you haven't even commented on the view."

"It is lovely."

"Thank you", he grinned like he had build the city just for her to look apon. "Now compliment my fashion style next."

She scuffed. But grinned too. And there was another spark in her chest. This time it caught on and she felt herself warming up.

"Green is a lovely colour", she said gently. "I have green curtains."

"No", he dramatically gasped. "It is fate then!"

And she just had to laugh.

The waiter returned with their plates. Nesta stopped laughing. There was less food on her plate then at home. Just a tiny amount of pasta.

"What is wrong?", Eris looked honestly concerned. "Did they got your order wrong?"

"No, no", she said. "It's wonderful."

At least the arrangement was. Nesta felt her stomach drop. It was screaming at her to run away and find the next Fast Food store. Anything to fill the emptyness in her.

"I should have thought of that", he said quietly.

Confused she raised her head.

"I bet dancers need more nutritions then this."

He motioned for the waiter.

"I want triple the amount…" he stopped when he saw her eyes. "make that five times the amount of pasta on a plate. And add a steak. And a salate. Anything else you wish for?"

Nesta almost cried. Eris Vanserra had a way of knowing what she needed before she was to emberrassed to ask for it.

His phone rang.

His eyes widened.

His face hardened.

"Excuse me", he said to Nesta. Then he took the call and left her alone on the table.

Nesta tried to enjoy the views.

She tried to enjoy the food on her first plate.

She even let her fingers wander over the material of his jacket. 

Nothing ignited a spark like his smile did.

When the waiter returned again, he held a container with food.

"Mr. Vanserra had to leave due to a family emergency", he explained. "But he insisted you take the food and there is a Taxi waiting for you downstairs. I will escourt you."

Her bubble burst. Of course it had been too good to be true. He had treated her like a queen for not even two hours, but Nesta had believed it.

And that was on her.

"Don't bother", she said and got up. Without a glance back she left the restaurant and took the elevator down. Out of her purse she fished her phone.

Who should she call?

Her father had offered. But then her mother would probably intervene.

Elain was too scared to drive at night.

Feyre was never an option.

That left only one.

Down in the lobby she realised that she was still wearing Eris jacket. Out of spite she decided to keep it. With one hand she brushed over the soft fabric while she dialed Cassians number.

[gravesung-moving]

❝ YES, WELL, ❞ MUSES PETER, as he folds his arms behind his back. ❝ there often is a lighthouse. awfully lonely places, those. one sole keeper manning the light for decades, watching ship after ship steer clear of the rocks it was built to warn them about. ❞ as ever, his voice is calm, every dark word uttered with the same cadence one might use when saying jolly good, or cheers.

at josiah's comment (thinly veiled desperation, as there always is with the End) he simply quirks one white eyebrow. ❝ that rather defeats the point of cheating, doesn't it? at any rate, i find it unlikely the End would accept seconds from another. i'll pass. ❞

The feeling of it is familiar — though he lacks the nerves to do so. Feel, that is. Eyeless sockets seem to bore into the newfound guest. "As much as there is a lighthouse to harbor those lost in your mist." Dry, bone dry, does his words crackle free. The figure of an aged skeleton known as Josiah manages to voice his patented mordant sarcasm despite missing vocal chords.

"You could help me change that, you know. I'll even let you cheat."

[capitalisticveins]

heh 😅 hey bäæbe 🥹 h-howzit gooin‘..?🥹 i missed yoo 🥺👉👈 heugh…i knew yoo weren‘t gon vewy long b-but i still missed yoo 🥺🥺 (sNORRT!) heh 😼 c‘mere 🤩 mmmmWAH! (ssLOP!!!) 💦 heheh (nasal congestion ‼️) howwaszhurday howwuzwerk? 🐶🥺 nnniïîce! 😜👯‍♂️ hughEHH 😂💗 well ur timing ⏱️ waz perfict!! 😄 (inHALE ⬆️) i got uz wiingz (inHALE ⤴️) ääand peetzuhh 🍕 äænd some other shit 😒🥺 hgUEÆH 😂💗 (probably spits 💦 Everywhere!!!😄) i-it should be here pretty soon 🥹🧑🏻‍🌾 aYeæh! *WET noise! 💧👄) well🥺😞 ī was gunna mæke dinner b-buht ☹️ i mean if itz naht meÆT onna gwill 🥓 i-haaa won‘t know how da hell 😅to cooc it 😂🥺🐶 (bark bark! 🙈) äand we did that the lass cuple nites 🌌 🐛 …so…🐟 i-i-i w-wannted to mix fings up! 😸😸🖕 b-but i-i knew i wann’ed to take cære of it bucuz..🥺👉👈i mæan u häd tö stæy thære læter ät wörk todæ.😐☝️ aäääääÄÄÄÆÆnd i didn‘t wan‘ you 2 hav tö deel wi‘ thæaat ☹️🐶🤠 (…) (wet LIP SMACK!!)💦👅 æww yör welcum :3 😋 (saliva gargle) hg💧g💧g💧g💧g💧g💧gheÆh 😆gimme a kisghs *MMMOOOWÆÆÅÄh* 😗🫦 *MWELMUUUGH* 🦶 *mLREMM*👁️ *MwMHMHM*😂🧡 nope 👎🖕🤠 ah nŒ ionwanna let gœ 😂🥺🐶(your clingy werewolf boyfriend welcomes you home !!😄💝) *mmmlem* :P 🤓 nœ 😘 *MWAH* nœp 😘 *MWUGH* yoo œwe me möör kithses 🥺 i missed yoo🥺🤓☝️*mHmHmheee* *Mwug*💋🦶 *Mlep!!*🥹👄💦 ( SOGGY !! ) hehh😽✊fiine gUHHG(biG SNORT! ) yoo can gœ 👉 get changwed🥹💝 buht then yoo better >:( get BACK HERE😾👨🏻‍🦲 i need mör cuhddlz 🫂🤗 😘💧hMMMEEHHHHHRHEH (eXHALEs👇)

@mokozroach

you think you're sooooo fucking slick

i will find ur address next and steal ur firstborn

[coneheads-deserved-a-noble-prize]

Snreep snorp sjyeeeemp snorrt seeeeeeeeeeeèeefffgghhhhhbbnṉnnṉŋmmMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM :D

That is how he snores:

[crazygriffinlord]

An Immortal Puma: An Absurdist Piece In Three Acts: Act The Second: The Javelina Warriors

“This is my summer den”, explained Neil when they arrived. “You will not find my winter den as alluring. Do you want to come upstairs?”

“Beg pardon?”

“Do you want to come upstairs?”, Neil asked sultrily.

“Nope”, refused Susan.

“COME UPSTAIRS AT ONCE, YOUNG LADY AND ALLOW ME TO TAKE A GOOD LOOK AT YOU!”, shouted Neil at the top of his large cougar lungs.

“AAAAAAAAAH!”, squawked Susan, jumped up in a flurry of feathers, and tried to bolt for the door, but Neil was close behind.

“CRASH!”, went the door suddenly. In burst Lloyd the peccary, Susan’s good friend, along with his younger twin brothers.

“NOBODY EXPECTS THE JAVELINA WARRIORS!”, he snorted loudly. “I am the High Head Chief of the Javelina Warriors, or the HHCJW but for those whose kitty tongues cannot pronounce the sacred name, you can call me…Lloyd. Amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as: fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, and an almost fanatical devotion to King Pig, and a night out with the neighbor - Oh erh!” 

“COMEON, YOU FILTHY SWINE! BRING IT ON ALREADY!”, roared Neil, raring to defend his title. “AND BY THE WAY, YOUR NAME IS STILL HARD TO PRONOUNCE!”

“Yours too!” retorted Lloyd. “Too many vowels all smushed together in my tusks!”

“I’LL CLAW YOU TO DEATH!”, roared Neil.

“You don't frighten us, you sexy kitty! Go and boil your bottom, son of a woman-beater. I snort at you, so-called Neil Emperor! SNORRRT! SNORRRT! SNORRT!”

“What a strange animal”, remarked Neil in shock.

“I don't wanna talk to you no more, you empty headed lady-killer! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a peacock and your father smelt of grapes!”, Lloyd snorted ragefully.  

“Headbutt,headbutt,headbutt,headbutt,headbutt,headbutt,headbutt,headbutt,headbutt,headbutt,headbutt,headbutt,headbutt,headbutt,headbutt,headbutt,headbutt,headbutt,headbutt,headbutt, lunch break, and headbutt!” Lloyd and his brothers sung out the Ancient and Sacred Attack of the Javelina Warriors, knocking Neil unconscious.

“Oh dear!”, Susan exclaimed. 

“Oh dear is right”, Lloyd remarked. “It appears that I’ve killed Neil. The Ancient and Sacred Code of the Javelina Warriors state that we must not kill anybody while fighting them, and now it looks like I’m gonna be booted from my position as High Head Chief of The Javelina Warriors.”

“Well, there’s three things we can do”, theorised Susan. “We can burn him, bury him, or dump in in the lake”

“Which one do you think is the best option?” Lloyd asked.

“Well they're both nasty. If we burn him, he gets stuffed in the flames, crackle, crackle, crackle, which is a bit of a shock if he's not quite dead. But quick.”, explained Susan. “Or, if we don’t want to fry him, you can bury him. And then he'll get eaten up by maggots and weevils, nibble, nibble, nibble, which isn't so hot if, as I said, he's not quite dead.”

“Uh, I don’t think so”, said Lloyd, seeing that Neil had opened his eyes.

“OW!” he suddenly screamed in pain and fell down.

“Does this hurt?”, asked Susan, touching various parts of his body to determine his ailment.

“Yes!” Lloyd cried in pain.

“Oh no!” gasped Susan. “You have…kidney failure! Both of your kidneys are gone”

“I’ll donate a kidney!” Neil exclaimed groggily. “You know I always care best for the wellbeing of women!”

[tomatonibbler]

*snocks* ah my beautiful wife texted me *snorrts* this occurrence is so joyous!

[trashh-giirl]

Emma the little potbelly piggy girl

[heybinnie]

look at me jumping to conclusions at the speed of light

[galaticn0va]

Yellow lantern pug 😭

[the-goat-carnival]

Willow: THIS MAY BE IT GUS! I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT YOU WERE TRULY... A ONE-IN-A-MILLION FRIEND!

Gus: THANKS, BUDDY! YOU WERE THE BEST EVER!

Willow: I KNOW YOU WON’T MIND WHEN I TELL YOU...

Gus: GO ON! TELL ME ANYTHING! T-TELL ME WHAT?

Willow: I BROKE YOUR IPOD!!

Gus: WH AT !? OH! THE HORROR!

Willow: THE BUTTONS ARE SO SMALL! IT MADE ME MAD! I’M SORRY!

Gus: I’M GONNA KILL YOU!

Willow: IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!

Amity, at the top of her lungs: I LOVE YOU, LUZ! I ALWAYS HAVE!

Luz, asleep: *snorrt*

Willow and Gus: ("No shit" face)

Amity: L-like you love the beach, o-or-r uh... a good book. Or the beach.

[shraqsmuses]

Junko, you're not DONE eating, are you? I'll have to get the pump down there, myself, and tape you shut. Naughty pigs get stuffed more, you know!

"Mmmrph... I'm not done~. Please give... HORRRRrrp, this piggy a chance~." The gluttonous pig tried to swallow the excessive amount of pudding that riddled her stuffed throat. However, her throat couldn't completely compress the thick substance that kept her throat apart. The pudding that she belched out stained the pristine skin on her vast stomach with its thick, chocolatey globs that gradually slid down her wide, curvy rolls. "Squeeee, snorrt... Please don't shove pudding down this poor piggy's throat~."

[doebt]

the funniest post on r/ambien i was snorrting last Night

[jaxonkreide]

@sevi007 replied to your photoset: itscolossal: Fredrik Raddum

@jaxonkreide​ because birds are often what keeps you going after a hard day, probably.

SNORRTS

guys, sevi is right. 

This is me after a rough day

[12thvenus]

i’m just sitting here…eating ice cream in my room.. while my friends are talking about snorRTING FUCKIN CRACK

[the-blue-army]

At least my name isn't something a furry would have as a name *sNORRT*

Im being????? Cyberbullied?????????-Leader Wolf

[yumenosakiacademy]

“Pussy Pussy Marijuana” may b on my ramuda playl!st but u best believe it’s a big dicecore song in my heart