every whisper, of every waking hour || self-para
TWs: drugs, alcohol, depression, anxiety, grief, ghosts/hallucinations, etc.
ft. @mack-montresor
Cain sat crumpled against a brick wall. Even from here, he could still feel the rhythmic thumping of bass through the building’s exterior. The night air was a bit of cool reprieve against the sweat that was beaded on his forehead. Cain reached into his pocket, fumbling for his phone that he only hoped was still on him. The night hadn’t started out this way, but here he was: alone and trying to make sense of the world as it spun around him.
It was only hours ago that Cain’s phone lit up on his nightstand. He was just getting out of the shower, throwing on an outfit and running a little product in his hair, his toothbrush still hanging out of his mouth as he tapped on the keyboard of his phone.
> Rome: Still coming, right?
> Rome: Gunn, if you don’t show up to this thing and I have to deal with Angie and Jovian by myself, I swear I will go to your apartment just to punch you in the face and then drag you out anyway
> Cain: Lol chill, man. I’ll be there. You didn’t get Angie a present, right?
> Rome: Fuck no. It’s not even her actual birthday
> Cain: Cool
> Cain: Meet you there in an hour
District Zero was the same as it always was. Which was to say that it looked entirely different from any other time he’d been there before. The theme of the night was Casino, and smoke hung thick in the air as Cain descended into the catacombs. The belly of the club was a well-oiled machine of card tables and slots games, all running simultaneously. At the door, Cain met a waiter dressed in black tie. He accepted an outstretched drink before crossing the threshold. In classic D0 fashion, the drink was laced with something– ether, probably– and he could feel it as it wrapped its way around his nerve endings with every step he took. He was buzzing by the time he found his friends in the crowd. “Gunn!” Rome called, jogging to meet him halfway. Rome grabbed Cain by the shirt, leaning in close to whisper. “Big news,” he announced. “Apparently, Angie and Jove are off again. So, if you’re trying to hit that, tonight is the night, buddy. You’re too pretty not to be getting laid,” Rome said solemnly, patting Cain on his cheek before he released him, straightening up again. “Lay your cards on the table, Gunn,” Rome concluded, swirling his pointer finger through the air to gesture to the games around them as he walked back to the group. Rome was clearly pleased with himself, so Cain swallowed the urge to point out that the pun wasn’t great.
Hours passed, drinks flowed, and Cain continued to indulge. It was all he did these days– indulge in drinks and drugs to push away the implacable feeling that clawed inside his chest. Cain won a lot of money on blackjack, and then lost all of it and more in poker. He broke even at the slots and decided he needed a break from the gambling. “Hit the smoking room,” Jovian suggested. So, Cain wandered until he’d found it– the source of the haze whose tendrils had coiled to every corner of the club. But beyond the entrance of the smoking room, the air was so thick with it that it was hard to see his own hand in front of his face. Boxes of cigars lined the entrance. Cain didn’t read their names or descriptions before he plucked one up. The attendant lit it for him as Cain went past, and he settled on a couch at the back of the room with the laced cigar against his lips.
Figures moved through the haze– indistinguishable silhouettes. Cain watched them with removed curiosity as the cigar burned away between his fingers. With each inhale, Cain felt less corporeal. The room, the people, his own body– none of them seemed to hold shape, remain solid. He stared blankly into the cloud of smoke, until a face emerged. “Mack?”
“Kiss-ass,” she scoffed, offering acknowledgement with her arms crossed. “Another night in your fancy Capitol club?”
Cain smiled at the sound of her voice. “I don’t remember you complaining about it last time we were here,” he countered.
“Is that why you keep coming back?” Mack asked, and amidst the haze — both physical and mental — it was hard to tell if the question was genuine or a taunt. “Besides, we’re not here, Cain. I’m dead.”
Cain’s smile fell, morphing into a worried frown. A deep crease settled between his brows. Mack was dead, wasn’t she? Had that been a dream? Was this one? “Then what are you doing here?” He wondered.
“You’re the one hallucinating. Maybe you should ask yourself.” Mack’s head tilted, and as someone walked by, they passed unknowingly through her. “It’s better this way though. I’d be disappointed if I knew.”
Cain blinked as the figure moved right through Mack. Delayed from the drugs in his body, he jumped up a moment later. Her form had shifted, broken apart by the person who—for a single moment in time—shared space with her. He lifted his hands as if to piece her together again. He couldn’t save her from the disease that had taken her, but maybe he could hold her body together now. There was no need. Mack came together again all on her own. Still, she eyed his hands, which hovered, not quite daring to see if she had a corporeal form.
Hallucinating. It made sense, but he didn’t want it to stop. He hadn’t heard Mack’s voice in months. If this was the closest he could get, then he wanted to stay here as long as he could. But her words cut at him like glass. “Disappointed?” He swallowed thickly. “I haven’t even done anything,” he reasoned. He, too, was a ghost moving through life.
“Exactly.” Mack brushed by, spectral form passing through. “You’ve done nothing.” She took his seat, head tilting, observing, as ghosts were wont to do. “No, you’ve actually done plenty, haven’t you?” Enough to conjure her. Ether, and alcohol, and empty affection. Every night bleeding into the next morning; every day spent languishing in bed. Starting again to be functional, to make him fun, to make him forget. “I thought you were better than this.”
Cain watched her as she moved behind him, taking over the seat he’d just jumped out of. Everything was moving in slow motion, but his heart leapt, meeting the pace of a wild horse. He collapsed into the seat beside her, twisted to look at her straight on, but still not brave enough to reach out his hand. The thought of moving through her body—of touching her without feeling—made him sick. “What do you want me to do?” He asked, his voice teetering on begging. “There’s no point—” to tuning into the world. It was all awful without her. “I’m not.” As it turned out, he wasn’t better than this. Every good Mack hoped he’d be, he wasn’t. He was as spoiled and privileged as she’d imagined. The least he could do was live up to that, lose himself in it. “At least doing this brought you back to me!”
“Fuck, do you even hear yourself?” Mack’s face scrunched with disgust. “It’s not me, Cain. You didn’t bring me back.” She had died in the arena. Cain had watched. He’d sent her every kind of medicine he could. But it had been too late, fated from the start — and this too wouldn’t last. “And I can’t stay. I’m not supposed to be here, and neither are you.”
It’s not me. I’m not supposed to be here. “I know,” Cain admitted, his voice low. It was a shared secret between the two of them, that she had never been there at all and wouldn’t remain. “Just don’t leave,” he pleaded with her. “Not yet. I…” All the things he hadn’t been able to say to her. They’d never really said goodbye, too preoccupied by thoughts of see you later. “I was supposed to get to love you.” And neither are you. “I don’t wanna leave,” he protested feebly. “I hate it out there. I hate everyone. I don’t give a shit what they do with Eleven or anywhere else.” None of it mattered to him. “You were supposed to live, and then, I wouldn’t have to hate everything so much.”
“I know,” her voice dropped, losing its harsh tone. “I’m sorry, Cain. I tried, I— I really did.” Her expression fell, as her mask had months prior, the vulnerable parts of her exposed. It was his memory of her, of her rare softness. Could anyone else recall that of her? “I wanted to get to love you too.”
She wavered, hand lifting as though to reach out, to test the limits of their visitation. “But you know better now.” There were truths Cain could no longer deny: that the districts were treated unfairly; that they weren’t safe, even in victorhood; that Mack had been sick long before she’d been Reaped, denied access to that which could have spared her life. “It wouldn’t have mattered, even if I won.”
Cain wanted to tell Mack that he didn’t want to know better. That he would trade everything he knew to not feel this pain he’d been running from. He wanted to tell her, but it wouldn’t have been the truth. One night with her had been worth all the knowing, all the pain. “I didn’t wanna know,” he admitted. It was a truth that had been so plain his whole life. The Games, the districts, the systems in place, they were all flawed. No, not flawed, designed to oppress and divide. The system was working exactly as it was meant to, and if that was true, then everything he knew about his home, his parents, himself… it all changed. He hadn’t wanted to face it until he was facing it with her. The thought of trying to be the version of himself that Mack had seen scared him more than anything he’d ever done, and doing it without her felt almost pointless, but Cain considered—really, for the first time—that it was still worth doing for her. “But I’m glad you put up with me long enough to tell me. You could’ve just killed me in the training center and been done with it,” he laughed softly.
She laughed too, the sound like an echo, coming from odd shadows and edges of the room. The noise faded, tapering off. And in the midst of grief, the kind that qualified as unfinished business and kept souls tethered to the earth, Mack choked on breath she no longer had, heart skipping an invisible beat. “I miss you—“ A confession, tearing her asunder. Mack braved the unknown, slipping forward, and it could have been the air circulating in the room, or a wisp of smoke from his cigar, or her lips, soft but sure, catching his. “But it’s time to go.”
Mack’s lips touched his, feather light, but Cain could’ve sworn he felt the warmth of her. It was a moment in time so short he knew that it was real. His imagination would’ve been kind enough to let him linger in it, but in this reality, Mack was already slipping away. “Not yet,” he asked, bargaining with the unknown—his mind, her ghost, some higher power—whoever was the one who decided. “Just let me hold you. Stay for one more minute.”
“Cain,” his name answer enough, encapsulating all things: I’m sorry; I wish I could; it’s not up to me. Mack longed to be held. Though — as a figment of his mind — she merely reflected his desire to hold. Still, she tempted fortune, risking sacred contact once more. Mack’s fingers brushed his chest, over the fabric, near where his heartbeat thrummed. A vertical line. Half a rectangle at the base, facing down. This is the place. Safe. “My world’s not meant for you,” she whispered. “Not yet.” There were rails to ride, endless roads to traverse. Another lifetime and another intersecting arc she had to see through. “Train’s leaving. You know me. Can’t stay in one place for too long.”
Mack winked, standing, the crowd abuzz as the revelry raged on. They moved around and through her, and in the sea of celebration, taken over by the swell of the living, Mack was gone.
Cain watched as Mack’s figure slipped into the haze, never to return. He jumped from his seat, bolting a few steps forward to chase her, but she was already gone. “Wait,” he cried, tears spilling over his lashes and darting down his cheeks in hot streams. “Wait for me.”
Cain’s phone buzzed in his pocket. Two missed calls and a text:
> Rome: Couldn’t find you, so everyone bounced. Call you tomorrow
Cain was alone again. His friends were gone, Mack was gone. He was swimming through fog, and there were a hundred people swimming around him, and he was utterly alone. Suddenly, a heat crept up the back of his neck, bringing with it a wave of nausea. Cain bit back against it, but he knew he couldn’t fight it for much longer. He had to get out of here. Cain wandered out of the dense haze of the Smoking Room, retracing his steps back through the casino and through the twisting catacombs until he reached the city again. His balance was unstable and everything was spinning around him. He couldn’t make it stop.
Cain collapsed against the brick wall, closing his eyes to stave off sickness another minute more. He couldn’t get home like this. Everything whirled around him so violently, Cain didn’t even think he knew where home was anymore. He fumbled in his pocket, pulling out his phone again. He went into his contacts, calling the only person he could think of that might actually pick up.
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Things the Biden-Harris Administration Did This Week #32
August 30-September 6 2024.
President Biden announced $7.3 billion in clean energy investment for rural communities. This marks the largest investment in rural electrification since the New Deal. The money will go to 16 rural electric cooperatives across 23 states Alaska, Arizona, California, Colorado, Florida, Illinois, Indiana, Iowa, Kentucky, Michigan, Minnesota, Montana, Nebraska, New Jersey, New Mexico, Nevada, North Dakota, Ohio, Pennsylvania, South Dakota, Texas, Wisconsin, and Wyoming. Together they will be able to generate 10 gigawatts of clean energy, enough to power 5 million households about 20% of America's rural population. This clean energy will reduce greenhouse emissions by 43.7 million tons a year, equivalent to removing more than 10 million cars off the road every year.
The Biden-Harris Administration announced a historic 10th offshore wind project. The latest project approved for the Atlantic coast of Maryland will generate 2,200 megawatts of clean, reliable renewable energy to power 770,000 homes. All together the 10 offshore wind projects approved by the Biden-Harris Administration will generation 15 gigawatts, enough to power 5.25 million homes. This is half way to the Administration's goal of 30 gigawatts of clean offshore wind power by 2030.
President Biden signed an Executive Order aimed at supporting and expanding unions. Called the "Good Jobs EO" the order will direct all federal agencies to take steps to recognize unions, to not interfere with the formation of unions and reach labor agreements on federally supported projects. It also directs agencies to prioritize equal pay and pay transparency, support projects that offer workers benefits like child care, health insurance, paid leave, and retirement benefits. It will also push workforce development and workplace safety.
The Department of Transportation announced $1 billion to make local roads safer. The money will go to 354 local communities across America to improve roadway safety and prevent deaths and serious injuries. This is part of the National Roadway Safety Strategy launched in 2022, since then traffic fatalities have decreased for 9 straight quarters. Since 2022 the program has supported projects in 1,400 communities effecting 75% of all Americans.
The Department of Energy announced $430 million to support America's aging hydropower. Hydropower currently accounts for nearly 27% of renewable electricity generation in the United States. However many of our dams were built during the New Deal for a national average of 79 years old. The money will go to 293 projects across 33 states. These updates will improve energy generation, workplace safety, and have a positive environmental impact on local fish and wildlife.
The EPA announced $300 million to help support tribal nations, and US territories cut climate pollution and boost green energy. The money will support projects by 33 tribes, and the Island of Saipan in the Northern Mariana Islands. EPA Administer Michael S. Regan announced the funds along side Secretary of the Interior Deb Haaland in Arizona to highlight one of the projects. A project that will bring electricity for the first time to 900 homes on the Hopi Reservation.
The Biden-Harris Administration is investing $179 million in literacy. This investment in the Comprehensive Literacy State Development Grant is the largest in history. Studies have shown that the 3rd grade is a key moment in a students literacy development, the CLSD is designed to help support states research, develop, and implement evidence-based literacy interventions to help students achieve key literacy milestones.
The US government secured the release of 135 political prisoners from Nicaragua. Nicaragua's dictator President Daniel Ortega has jailed large numbers of citizens since protests against his rule broke out in 2018. In February 2023 the US secured the release of over 200 political prisoners. Human rights orgs have documented torture and sexual abuse in Ortega's prisons.
The Justice Department announced the disruption of a major effort by Russia to interfere with the 2024 US Elections. Russian propaganda network, RT, deployed $10 million to Tenet Media to help spread Russian propaganda and help sway the election in favor of Trump and the Republicans as well as disrupting American society. Tenet Media employs many well known conservative on-line personalities such as Benny Johnson, Tim Pool, Lauren Southern, Dave Rubin, Tayler Hansen and Matt Christiansen.
Vice-President Harris outlined her plan for Small Businesses at a campaign stop in New Hampshire. Harris wants to expand from $5,000 to $50,000 tax incentives for startup expenses. This would help start 25 million new small business over four years.
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产品
Product
CAS
N,N-二甲基-1,4-苯二胺
N,N-Dimethyl-1,4-phenylenediamine DMPD
99-98-9
N,N-二甲基苄胺
N,N-Dimethylbenzylamine BDMA
103-83-3
N,N-二甲基甲酰胺
N,N-Dimethylformamide DMF
.68-12-2
N,N-二甲基甲酰胺二甲缩醛
DMF-DMA
N,N-Dimethylformamidedimethyl acetal (DMF-DMA)
4637-24-5
N,N-二甲基乙酰胺
N,N-Dimethylacetamide DMAC
127-19-5
N,N-二乙基间甲苯甲酰胺
避蚊胺
N,N-diethyl-m-toluamide DEET
134-62-3
N,N-二乙基羟胺
N,N-Diethylhydroxylamine DEHA
3710-84-7
N-甲基-N-羟乙基苯胺
2-(N-甲基苯胺)乙醇
2-(N-methylanilino)ethanol
93-90-3
N-甲基吡咯烷酮
N-methylpyrrolidone
872-50-4
N,N-二甲基苯胺
N,N-Dimethylaniline DMA
121-69-7
N,N-二甲基对甲苯胺
N,N-Dimethyl-p-toluidine DMPT
99-97-8
N,N-二甲基邻甲苯胺
N,N-Dimethyl-o-toluidine DMOT
609-72-3
N,N-二乙基苯胺
N,N-Diethylaniline
91-66-7
N,N-二乙基间甲苯胺
N,N-Diethyl-m-toluidine
91-67-8
N,N-二羟乙基苯胺
N,N-Dihydroxyethylaniline PDEA
120-07-0
N-乙基间甲苯胺
N-乙基-3-甲基苯胺
N-Ethyl-m-toluidine/N-Ethyl-3-methylaniline
102-27-2
N-乙基-N-氰乙基苯胺
3-(N-ethylanilino)propiononitrile
148-87-8
N-乙基-N-羟乙基苯胺
N-Ethyl-N-hydroxyethylaniline
92-50-2
N-乙基-N-苄基苯胺
乙基苄基苯胺;
N-苄基-N-乙基苯胺
N-ethyl-N-phenylbenzenemethanamine
92-59-1
N-乙基-N-氰乙基间甲苯胺
N-2-cyanoethyl-N-ethyl-m-toluidine
148-69-6
N-乙基-N-苄基间甲苯胺
N-Benzyl-N-ethyl-m-toluidine
119-94-8
N-乙基邻甲苯胺
N-Ethyl-o-toluidine/2-Ethylaminotoluene
94-68-8
N-乙基苯胺
N-Ethylaniline
103-69-5
N-甲基苯胺
N-Methylaniline
100-61-8
N,N-二甲基-间甲基苯胺
N,N-DIMETHYL-M-TOLUIDINE
121-72-2
N-甲基二苯胺
N-Methyldiphenylamine
552-82-9
N-甲基-邻甲基苯胺
N-METHYL-O-TOLUIDINE
611-21-2
N-甲基-对甲基苯胺
N-METHYL-P-TOLUIDINE
623-08-5
4-甲基-N-苯基苯胺
N-PHENYL-P-TOLUIDINE
620-84-8
N-异丙基苯胺
N-ISOPROPYLANILINE
768-52-5
N,N-二氰乙基苯胺
N,N-Dicyanoethylaniline
1555-66-4
N,N-二羟乙基-对甲基苯胺
N,N-DIHYDROXYETHYL-P-TOLUIDINEDHEPT
.3077-12-1
N-乙基-2-硝基苯胺
N-Ethyl-2-Nitro-Benzenamine
10112-15-9
2,4-二氯苯胺
2,4Dichloroaniline
554-00-7
N-(2-羟乙基)乙二胺
AEEA
111-41-1
1,3-二甲基-2-咪唑啉酮N,N-二甲基亚乙基脲1,3-二甲基-2-咪唑啉酮(DMI)
1,3-Dimethyl-2-imidazolidinone DMI
N,N'-dimethylimidazolidinone
80-73-9
N,N-二苄基羟胺
N,N-Dibenzylhydroxylamine
621-07-8
对甲苯胺
P-Toluidine PT
106-49-0
邻甲苯胺
O-Toluidine OT
95-53-4
二乙基乙醇胺
DEEA;DEAE
100-37-8
甲萘胺
AlphaNaphthylamine
134-32-7
间二氯苯
1,3-Dichlorobenzene MDCB
541-73-1
间甲苯胺
M-Toluidine MT
108-44-1
间苯二胺
M-PHENYLENEDIAMINE MPDA
108-45-2
多乙烯多胺
PEPA
68131-73-7
二乙烯三胺(DETA)
Diethylenetriamine DETA
111-40-0
三乙烯二胺
Triethylenediamine
280-57-9
三乙烯四胺
TriethylenetetramineTETA
112-24-3
四乙烯五胺
TEPA
112-57-2
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