#rppsychology

[roleplaybook]

ROLEPLAY PSYCHOLOGY: PASSIVE AGGRESSION

Passive aggression harms relationships, causes unnecessary negative feelings all around, and is inefficient. It shows up in many forms, and we’ve all participated in it and have been subjected to it.

UNDER THE CUT:

Strategies to identify when you’re being passive aggressive, and non-scary ways to broach issues directly.

Scripts to tackle issues head on when a writing partner is being passive aggressive toward you.

Examples of passive aggressive behavior between RP partners.

If you’ve been collaboratively writing for any length of time, chances are you’ve met passive aggressive individuals in the Internet wastes. The roleplaying community is rife with them. If you’re not sure, see if any of the following sound familiar:

“It’s fine,” when things are, in fact, not fine. Even through text, the tone can often be perceived as a little flat — a little cool. It’s meant to subtly suggest you make changes/go with their preference without directly communicating that this is what they want. Sometimes, they don’t even communicate what it is they do want; you’re meant to figure it out.

You’ve done something they didn’t like. Maybe you turned down an idea, or maybe you took longer than usual to reply to their post. Now you’re getting the silent treatment OOC, or receiving unusually flat and monosyllabic responses. When you do ask if everything’s okay/what’s wrong, chances are you’re getting, “It’s fine,” and, “nothing.”

They punish you IC after a conversation they disliked happens OOC. For example, a character who was flirting with yours might turn suddenly sour/critical in the very next post after you mention your character being romantically unavailable in an OOC conversation. Alternatively, you shoot down an idea they proposed, so they kill off their character without consulting with you.

Passive aggression comes in many forms, and we’ve all been subjected to it. Surely we have all been passive aggressive at some point, too.

While it can seem easier in many situations to be passive aggressive until the other person’s behavior changes, all it really does is harm relationships and stretch out undue negativity.

When you spot passive aggression, you should call it out. This doesn’t necessarily mean you say, “Hey, I see you being passive aggressive. Cut it out.” It might look more like, “I feel like you’re upset with me. Can we talk about it?”

By the same token, we should be vigilant about our own behaviors and have the self-awareness to catch when we’re inclined to be passive aggressive. It’s an easy behavior to fall into! Who hasn’t gotten short with a friend? Who hasn’t given the silent treatment in hopes of receiving an apology we didn’t have to spell out?

But it’s poor communication, and it does nothing to strengthen your bond with the other person. It doesn’t help build social skills. It’s inefficient.

When you feel inclined to indirectly communicate your annoyance, freeze. It may be wise to step away from the keyboard/put the phone down for a moment and sit with what you’re feeling. Often bad behavior happens when we react too quickly to a stimulus.

After looking at the situation logically, come up with a script to directly broach the topic. You might also realize it’s not worth being angry about in the first place! For example, if a partner turned down an idea you proposed, you might feel disappointed and want to convey it with short, unsatisfying OOC banter. You might put your character in a bad mood or insert angst into the plot abruptly. However, after giving it some time and thought… aren’t they allowed to politely turn down an idea? Haven’t you turned ideas down? Wouldn’t you rather they turn it down than agree to it and half-ass replies because they didn’t want to go that route in the first place?

It’s better for your hindsight, better for your relationship with your writing partner, and better for you to step back and allow yourself to feel disappointed. Deal with it in healthy ways. You can try writing up an ad for an RP with someone who will fulfill that idea. (Slap yourself on the hand if you think to do this as a way to get back at your current partner, or in hopes they’ll see they can be replaced!) Write a one-shot about it, etc.

If you feel they’re in the wrong after taking a moment to reflect — let’s say they always shoot your ideas down, and the RP tends to only be about what they want — you should start a conversation. It is better to be direct, and being direct doesn’t mean being aggressive or hostile.

“Hey, can we talk about the RP for a minute? I appreciate how honest you are with me when you don’t want to go with the ideas I bring up for our story. I also value you as a writing partner, which is why I want to bring this up instead of letting it continue to nag at me: it feels like we always go with your ideas. The last few I’ve had, you’ve turned down. I don’t want you to feel obliged to write things you’re not interested in, but I’m hoping we can come to a compromise on this. Can I get your thoughts?”

Direct, but not hostile. Not accusatory. Not scary! It allows the issue to be handled with no guess-work, and makes it far more likely you’ll see actual changes.

You can use the same strategy when they’re being passive aggressive with you.

“Hey, I notice you’re not being as talkative as you usually are, and you’ve told me everything is fine. I’ll take you at your word, but I just want to make sure you know I welcome you to bring stuff up with me directly. I would rather communicate than continue to upset you without realizing it. If something is wrong, I hope you’ll tell me so I can fix it/stop doing it/come up with a compromise.”

[roleplaybook]

RP PSYCHOLOGY: SELF FULFILLING PROPHECY

Britannica defines a self-fulfilling prophecy as a "process through which an originally false expectation leads to its own confirmation.”

It’s something we see often in the roleplay community; people who are posting ads are often doing so because they aren’t deriving enough from the hobby. They aren’t fully satisfied with the volume or quality of the RP they’re getting; they aren’t doing one of the plots they want to do. They aren’t writing as or against a character they want. They may have been looking for a long time.

⚠️ It should be noted that there is nothing wrong with not feeling that you’re getting enough from the RP. It should not be frowned upon or an immediate cause for current partners to worry. ⚠️

Many, many people consistently putting ads out there or responding to ads have been burned a lot. They may not have any RP going on at all, and we all know how frustrating that can feel. Ghosting is prolific. On top of that, many conversations between prospective writing partners go south and become hostile quickly. People run into enough flakes or creeps that they become jaded. The slightest hint of a red flag raises their hackles.

In these scenarios, the self-fulfilling prophecy can look something like this:

“Ten minutes and no response. Guess you’re gonna ghost me like all the others.”

Ordinarily, this person might not take a ten minute period of silence as a red flag. However, after being ghosted for the dozenth time, they flare up at the earliest whiff of phantasmic activity. The recipient of that message might have been using the restroom. They might have been eating a snack, taking a nap, or any number of innocuous activities they felt free to do. Upon returning to that message, however, you can guess what they’ll do next. 👻

It happens all the time. Being ghosted by this person only exacerbates the prophet’s negativity. They might add something to their ad like, “I HATE ghosts. If you’re just gonna ghost, don’t even bother.”

This tells others that this person is frequently ghosted. That in and of itself could indicate an issue with the RPer, even if in reality it was just rotten luck. It also tells them they’re angry — which makes them less courageous about confronting them if there’s an issue. To avoid conflict… they ghost.

So what’s the actionable step to being a better roleplayer and crafting better ads?

Don’t use your ad to vent or gripe about past prospective partners. Don’t complain about getting ghosted when you’re trying to get to know someone new. It’s frustrating and maddening, but these are not the times. These are not the places. And doing so is going to make the other person more likely to ghost, not less likely. Never in the history of haunting has a ghost thought, “Oh, but that person said I can’t ghost… so I’d better be up front and let them know I lost interest.” Ghosts gonna ghost.

Jussim, Lee. "self-fulfilling prophecy". Encyclopedia Britannica, 7 Aug. 2024, https://www.britannica.com/topic/self-fulfilling-prophecy. Accessed 14 August 2024.