#rottenpears

[whenlifegivesyourottenpears]

An Accidental Booty Call to (who is apparently) My Stalker.

If there are any spelling or grammatical errors I do apologize I am writing this at 3:30 a.m.because my sleep schedule is way off, but I tried to review it before posting. 

My life never ceases to throw surprises my way. 

Short back story:

 I had to crash for a night at a male friend's house (we can call him, “Kris”), because of a complicated situation I was in. He was very helpful in driving a long way to come pick me up and transport all of my things as well. The next day I got picked up by a family that I am now staying with until I figure something else to do with my life. The day after I left he sent me a three-paragraph message about how he wished we could’ve spent more time together and that he was sad when I left and told me how he wanted to spend his life with me. That would be a sweet gesture except for a couple of things: I had already let Kris down twice before, he knows that I am gay, and we were never good friends in the first place we were just more like acquaintances.  In responding to his message I let him down another time, I told him that I still did not feel that way about him and by the end of this conversation it seemed to me that at this point he would understand very clearly that I had no feelings for him. 

Present-day (a couple of weeks after the whole ‘Kris-asking-me-out-again’ incident): 

Today I was cleaning and organizing my things when I remembered that I had left some of my belongings at Kris’s apartment. So being the responsible and communicative person that I am I texted Kris asking him asking about my things and when/how I would be getting my things back. He simply replied back that he would be free anytime this weekend to bring them over to me (now take into consideration that we live 3-4 hours apart), at first I felt bad because I didn’t want him to waste his time on a long car drive if he wasn’t up to it but he said he was totally fine with bringing my things to me. I communicated my thankfulness by saying that I appreciated it and we set a time for him to come tomorrow around noon.  

A little bit later my sister, that I currently do not live with, texted me telling me that Kris was asking her a weird question about me (Kris is a mutual friend between my sister and me, we tell each other everything so of course, she knew that he had this crush on me). Kris asked her if she knew that if my intentions of him driving up to me meant that I was also meaning “business.” At first, I was confused by what that meant, because in my mind he surely would not be asking what I think he is asking. Sadly I was wrong, Kris was asking my sister if I was wanting to have sex with him. 

You can imagine my shock, after letting him down about 3 times at this point and making it clear that I am lesbian I would think that he would understand that it is not even an option. (Also, in my opinion, I think it is really weird that he would ask my sister that question like if you wanna smash with me that bad then grow some balls and ask me yourself, ya know) At this point my sister and I are dying laughing, she told him that was not how I felt and that he needs to let it go, but by this point, he had already bought the condoms and had them ready in his fucking car! Like WTF! 

If you think it the story stopped there you are sadly mistaken. After my sister confirmed with me that she told Kris that I’m into him, he continues to send her videos of him singing along with sexual songs and captioning about how much he needs me. I am feeling very uncomfortable and disrespected at this point so I told her that he should either go into his room and do it himself or go find some other girl to fuck with because I am not about to be playing any of his little games. I was angry but at the same time I was laughing my ass off because of how stupid all of this was. Then there was more, (and I promise you I wish that there wasn’t) She sent me a photo collage that he sent to her which he had made using pictures of ME (that he screenshotted off of my Instagram) and him TOGETHER saying that he sees how perfect we would be together and that by me not being with him I would basically be missing out on that “good life” and shit like that. Let me tell you all the shock of this news was so dumbfounding, Kris is on a whole other level of clingy where I didn’t even hint at liking him or wanting him in any shape or form. Her conversations with him ended there and we haven’t talked about it with him since.

So here is my plan for tomorrow when I see him. The wife and husband of the family that I am living with are like family to me and I love them to death (I even call them “mom” and “dad”). I told them about this occurrence which gave us all a good laugh and something to joke about for many years to come. My mom being the amazing woman that she is offered to let me make her my scapegoat in this situation. She is pregnant and with all of this coronavirus shit going around we have to disinfect everything and ourselves at any time that we come back into the house. And as the very protective family that I have, they told me don’t really want his little horny ass self to be around me at this time, so here is the plan: I am going to tell Kris that he cannot come into the house regarding the information that I just said above and to leave my things on the front porch and that I will wave to him through the glass door...It sounds like a genius plan to me so hopefully, it all goes over well. 

Also, if you think that I didn’t make a post declaring my gayness to the world and inadvertently telling Kris, and any other guy that has been trying to hit me up, to fuck off then you would sadly be mistaken. It is the most upfront post about being a lesbian that I have made/posted on Instagram (the only thing that would’ve made it more gay was if I had the flag-draped across my body while making out with another girl), at this point if Kris or any other guy doesn’t understand the simple concept, that I will not be into them, by now then I guess it confirms that they are blind and I’m screwed. 

If you made it this far in this post, I would like to thank you for taking the time to read about one of the many crazy events that happen in my life. Wish me luck for tomorrow! 

So I guess the lesson here is don’t leave your stuff at a guys house on accident or else everything following that will go terribly wrong. 

[whenlifegivesyourottenpears]

Things I’ve thought but kept inside (-pt. 3-)

I know you’re over me.

You asked if I was free to talk, even though you told me you needed space, I was still the one you wanted to call.

I always made time for you even though I  was still busy lying: “I’m fine,” I would say with a smile, acting put together, while I was still busy crying over you. 

[whenlifegivesyourottenpears]

Things I’ve thought but kept inside. (-pt. 1-)

I become afraid of saying too much or saying too little. I don’t want to scare you away. I don’t know how to say the right thing at the right time when all that I want to say is how I truly feel and care about you.

[whenlifegivesyourottenpears]

Little things I have to tell myself.

Even if I get just the tiniest bit of recognition from her it feels good, but then I have to remind myself over again that she doesn’t actually care, what it felt like when I first realized that I ended up being part of her game and that she has moved on to someone new.

Though those things are true I also remind myself of the times where we truly cared for each other, the ways that genuine love was taught to me, what it felt like to open up to someone who valued even the dark parts of me and the feeling of learning all the parts of her as a person. 

It is okay to still care for someone who doesn’t give a fuck. I am thankful for what has been taught to be through that relationship. I will not let her actions (or anyone else’s for that matter) control how much I do or do not feel. I will be completely me, and that is a good thing. 

[whenlifegivesyourottenpears]

Things I’ve thought but kept inside. (-pt.5-)

My heart feels like it’s breaking, not just because of all the emotions flooding over me, but because I can see that your heart is in pain. You try so hard to run away from pain while you end up running from love. 

You tell me that you’ve given up the idea that someone would want you, but I want you. You tell me that you’ve given up wanting love, yet here you are now with someone new. Every action that you’re taking and every word that you speak screams that your soul is longing for true love. I see you searching for anything and anyone for it. 

You are chasing the possibility of somehow experiencing love once again when I was here waiting for you to let me show you love again. I guess you didn’t want my type of love. I genuinely hope that you can find it somewhere new because my love became too old for you. 

[whenlifegivesyourottenpears]

Coronavirus

Call it COVID-19 if you want to be fancy, but either way, my point here will still stand. I’ve been seeing many posts where introverts are loving all of this “social distancing” because they don’t want to be around a lot of other people, which I can totally understand. Then there are the other posts of people who are bored out of their minds and going insane because they are extroverts and need their friends to make them feel better about life, which I can also understand. Then there is me, I am an introvert and an extrovert. My life has not changed socially since the coronavirus, because even if this virus wasn’t going on my only friends would remain to be the ones that I only talk to online or through social media (we all live at least a couple of hours apart) or else we would be out on the town every night, but sadly that is not the case. I have recently moved and I want to meet new people to have a couple of local friends to relate to, but this dumb ass virus is preventing me from making any progress in that area. All that to say is that I don’t mind not having to deal with the shitty people of this world and sit in the basement all day, but at the same time it would be nice to have other people to have fun with and to interact with in person.  

[whenlifegivesyourottenpears]

It’s okay to let them go.

I will probably be talking more on this topic in later posts (everything in my life just has to be complicated 😆), but for now this is what I’ve got to say. I was in a relationship and it was genuinely good, then there was distance between us (meaning she had to move far away) it got to the point where she got over me before I got over her. We had broken up and it was sad for me, I can’t even begin to tell you how many day and nights I cried over her. Yet she moved on easier than I did, I couldn’t figure out why this was so hard for me, I was in love it was just not good timing and we both have things to deal with. She was able to let go easier than I did, but I still tried to pursue this person if only to be at least friends. I’m still not sure why but she chooses to push me away, it could be because she doesn’t want to deal with the emotions of our past relationship or it could be because she thinks I’m an annoying bitch. Either way that doesn’t change the circumstance from where I can control things, which is hard for me to learn, and from what she is showing me with her actions is that she has stopped caring about maintaining even a friendship, even though with her words she says she cares. I’m not hateful towards her and I still care deeply about her but things are different now, yet I’m still not 100% sure where she stands with her thoughts and emotions. At first part of me felt bad for not trying harder or not replying right away to a text that I would get from her, for the first time in weeks of hearing nothing, then what I realized is that I should not be putting more effort into the “relationship” than she is. I am a person who is loyal to the end even if I am being pushed away and even if it hurts me in the process, I’ll try my hardest to show them that I still love them and want them. I’ve learned something though: If I have tried my best and she’s showing me that she’s let go and doesn’t give a fuck then it’s okay for me to let go without fear of being the one who gave up first. I’m still practicing this and trying not to be salty towards life or her. But what can I say I have emotions like anyone else, I guess it’s the way that I choose handle my emotions and circumstances that makes me who I am today... and other cheesy and encouraging shit like that.

[whenlifegivesyourottenpears]

We are done...

... but I don’t want to see my future without you, yet I know that we’ll end up apart. 

OMG - I felt this so hard, even though this is my old thoughts I can still feel the great emotions behind it and I teared up. UGH, life is hard, but I’ll make it. 

[whenlifegivesyourottenpears]

Sad Truth

I thought that by just being friends it’d be easier. I’m happy for you to be happy, but I’m sad that I’m not your happiness. I know you’re over me but I’m still busy acting like I’m fine while I’m still crying over you.

I know you’re not thinking of me, I’m not even crossing your mind.

I know it’s time for me to say goodbye. I don’t want to, oh god I don’t want to, but I know it’d only be worst if I stayed. 

[whenlifegivesyourottenpears]

Things I’ve thought but kept inside. (-pt. 7-)

I hate to even let these ideas come into my mind, but if I denied it I know I would be lying to myself. Some times it just hurts to think about them. 

Are you saying those sweet words to her the same way that you used to say to say them to me? Are you speaking softly in such a way to make her melt the way I used to when I heard your voice? Is she the most beautiful and perfect girl for you, as I once was for you? Are you planning on having three children with her, two boys and one girl, like we once planned on doing? Do you say “I love you,” to her using the same tone and sincerity in your voice that you once used on me? Do you tell her that you’re missing her the same way that you used to miss me? Did you tell her that she was the reason that you wanted to change the same way said you were changing for me? 

I guess my real question for you regarding all of this is: Did you love me genuinely and originally or was I just another girl to use the same words on and touch the same way that you did with every other girl? Did you truly love me for me or because I was someone that you knew who would love you no matter what? 

[whenlifegivesyourottenpears]

Things I’ve thought but kept inside. (-pt. 6-)

You know that you hurt me, and you said that you’re sorry. But funny enough that doesn’t make it any easier. 

[whenlifegivesyourottenpears]

I get hungry...

This is probably a part one of many other posts like this, I am addicted to snacking, like no joke. It’s 2:30 am right now and I sure as hell am not going to walk upstairs right now while I am cozy on my cushioned chair and blanket. A girl gets hungry and all that I have available to me is granola bars (my favorite are the peanut butter and chocolate chip kind) since everything else is out of stock at the store, cause other people are hoarding all the good snacks for themselves since this whole coronavirus is going on. My whole point is that I just ate 10 whole fucking granola bars in a row!!! But like I was hungry okay. 

[whenlifegivesyourottenpears]

“Confidence is not ‘they will like me.’ Confidence is ‘I’ll be fine if they don’t.’” - Christina Grimmie

Confidence is definitely something that I struggle with daily, I try to take it one day at a time with one loving compliment to myself each day. Sometimes it’s easier to bring myself down than it is to lift myself up, I understand the struggle.

“Strong” is such a cheap word to describe you •you are more capable than you give yourself credit for• stand tall and speak with kindness.

[whenlifegivesyourottenpears]

Things I’ve thought but kept inside. (-pt. 8-)

I think I get it now, you’re just to busy ignoring me to care about how I’m doing when all that I do is try to show you that I’m always here for you. 

[whenlifegivesyourottenpears]

It all came falling down.

This is something I wrote during a time in my life when those who I loved were leaving me, the one I was in love with was taken from me (at least it wasn’t her death though), and all of my life was changing drastically without having any control. I thought this time in my life would never end, I am glad that I was wrong, but my emotions were so strong that they almost weren’t even there. (I don’t write poetry and I’m not a practices writer, these are just some of my thoughts.)

I try to “dig down deep” into my soul, trying to access those emotions that I know I’ve hidden away. It seems I’ve hidden them well, I can’t seem to feel any of them. I want to feel. I’ll give myself a chance to turn them over in my soul. The pain was so much, the fear consuming and confusion came soon after. My walls built up, I could feel my heart hardening; quickening with worry. 

I try to take things into my own hands: “It all has to work out doesn’t it,”...”No need to worry, I’ll find the answers,”...”Am I giving myself false hope?” I came to know that I don’t need to know. Things don’t always end the way I want, which seems to happen more often than not. 

Still waiting. Reach your hand out to me, let the warmth of your touch graze me, make the cool wave of emotion flood over me. Suffocate me with it till I long to scream, confine me, force me, I long to bleed. 

“Breath in, breathe out,” reassuring myself, “ and just say FUCK IT!” 

[whenlifegivesyourottenpears]

Convenience

Here’s some more thoughts that past me decided to put in my notes app. Life is hard sometimes, especially when the people around you don’t treat you what you’re worth. Surround yourself with those who will bring you up and treat you like a queen/king! So here it is <3. 

So I may seem like I’m okay and I act goofy... but in reality, I feel alone and rejected as if I’m only here for others as a convenience.