#rollercoaster of emotions in the last 15 minutes just woke up found out that i got into uni and then learned about shitty fucking megamind 2

[warlenys]

megamind 2 i will kill everyone involved in making that shit and then myself i do not have a notes app filled with essays about the perfection of that fucking movie just for some cunts who want money to turn it into a shitty low budget typical family franchise when i get my fucking hands on them

[char-lotta]

Forget me not (Part 2/3)

Pairing: Jake x MC

Words: 2,8 k

Summary: Forgetting is hard, but forgiving is harder.

Chapters: 1, 2, 3

A/N: See the ending (spoilers)

Forget me not, part two

It had been two days since you had figured out her plan of going to Duskwood. You had tried to follow up on her, spying on her friend’s phones, but oh boy, she was smart. There was absolutely nothing suspicious on the message and call logs and they wouldn’t give away her location. You had logged on the traffic camera near Jessy’s, but it showed only her getting out of her apartment and going in, and occasionally Richy with her. Cleo’s door could be seen partly on CCTV of bakery shop near her, and you could confirm yourself that she wasn’t there either. One by one, you ruled out everyone she knew in Duskwood, even that disgusting fuckboy Phil, who seemed to have two girlfriends at the time. You couldn’t resist and sent an image of Phil and the blonde girl to the third wheel via anonymous text and entertain yourself looking the rage-filled texts for a while. MC’s phone was still turned off and hadn’t been on since her departure. She wasn’t on motel’s guest lists, but you had your doubts about using aliases, so you checked on the CCTV on motel’s parking lot. Nothing. Like the earth had swallowed her.

You stared numb on your screen. You had turned every stone to find her and now you had to just admit it, you had no idea where she was and why she had left. That was actually none of your business, you had to remind yourself, but how could you keep her safe in the future if you didn’t know her whereabouts?There was only one option and you knew it. Few clicks later and you received a now familiar message:

Thank you for booking your trip to Duskwood from us!

You decided early on that you would avoid meeting her directly with all costs. You just had to see her in your own eyes that she was alright and figure out some data so you could keep track on her later. You packed lightly, just your laptop and some clothes and left your safehouse with a doubt in your mind. You had this terrible feeling that something bad was about to happen and you didn’t have a clue, what it could be.

The train left on time and you looked out of the window in the darkness. It would be middle of the night when you arrived, and you hoped that the night would cover you for unwanted attention that your arrival could rise. You checked on your phone once again and saw that she was still offline. You scrolled your ridiculous short lists of conversations; MC, Lilly and Hannah and all of them were from months ago. You wondered if you should send a text to Lilly and Hannah but terminated it quickly. This mess didn’t need any more participants that it already had.“The Duskwood Express will arrive on platform 2 – “

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

You tossed your backpack on the comfy looking bed and looked around you. This motel room was too familiar from the time you had searched Hannah and it brought some painful memories to you. You remembered all those texts with MC in this room, how it had brightened your mood instantly when you had opened the messaging app and saw MC’s enthusiastic texts about the investigation. She had teased and pushed your buttons many times with those cheeky messages of hers, and you would do anything to get back of those times, where it was almost carefree. She, or anyone else had had no idea, that you had stayed in Duskwood all that time, monitoring closely everything that happened.

You allowed your mind return of that one night, when you met MC first time after Hannah had been found and you had instantly clicked with her, to the point where you completed each other’s sentences at first night so easily, that you thought that you had knew her long time. When she laughed and it had sounded like little birds in the spring, and it reminded you of a small, happy river with easy flow. When she made you laugh with her and it was the easiest thing you had ever done, felt like a different life now and was a fade memory now. You had touched her gently and her skin was so soft that your fingers slide like a good dream on the back of hers. When she kissed you and you forgot everything else in the world and drowned in those lips like a leaf in the open sea. Your sweaty bodies together naked on the bed, exploring all places and surfaces on your bodies. Sound of her moaning and calling your name, over and over again and it was the sweetest thing what your ears had heard. You inside of her.

You couldn’t breathe and opening a window felt the most logical thing to do. Spring breeze welcomed your face and you tried to calm down from the emotional rollercoaster you had spent your last 15 minutes on. You suddenly felt very tired, like you hadn’t slept on months, which were kind of true. Exhaustion overtook you, and you turned off the light, drifting to a world with full of nightmares.When you woke up, it was still dark and you had to think for a while, where the hell you were. Recalls from last night came like a car accident – quickly and violent, and you had to close your eyes again to get rid of the absolute horror what flooded you.

It took few minutes until you calmed down and turned the light on. Still groggy from the sleep, you brushed your teeth and made coffee in the small kitchenette. You had a feeling that you would need a lot of coffee to survive for the day.

You made logical assumptions that she would be with her friends, why else she would had come here? Jessy was her best friend, but she was close to Lilly and Hannah too, so you divided your screen with three tracking programs and one by one, the CCTV near them opened in the screen.

Now you waited them to woke up and start their day.

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_

The GPS tracker on Lilly’s phone showed her to be heading to downtown. You followed her steps via your monitor and pulled every single camera on that route to see what she was up to. She was alone and clearly in a good mood. Small smile crept up on your lips when you watched her, you were glad that she was doing okay.

She arrived on the local Tesco and after a while, she came out with a bag of groceries. You waited her return to her apartment, but she took a left turn from the road, which was new. Interested, you zoomed in with the camera and saw her going in a building near the town square. You waited for several minutes, but she didn’t come out and then you knew it.

You had found her.

You had your confirmation in hour later when they both came out from the building. They were laughing together, and you could see from afar, that MC was teasing Lilly about something, since she looked joyful and Lilly rather morbid. You recognized her mood quite well. You looked MC like you were enchanted, forget to breath and all you could see was her. She had cut her hair shorter; it was above her shoulders now and all slightly curly, and you actually liked it. She could also shave her whole head, and you would still like it. She was wearing a loose cardigan and jeans and those red shoes, which you had teased her as belonging to Dorothy from Oz. She looked happy and safe.

And that was all that mattered.

You allowed yourself to look at her for a minute and then you turned the screen off. Your work here was done; now you knew where she lived and could see her on street cameras, and you would find her new phone number based on address easily. You packed your things and booked a ticket for evening train, so you could leave Duskwood for good. When all the errands were done and train was leaving in a few hours, you laid on your back on the bed and looked your phone. One thought had invaded your head and you couldn’t get rid of it.

But why had she moved to Duskwood?

You tried to be reasonable, she had friends here. But she had had friends too in the city she previously lived and a decent job, why would she leave those? Her parents were long gone but she had said that her friend had been her family for years now. Her actions didn’t make any sense now, like they often didn’t. Like you had said to her in the early beginning, that she was so mysterious and intriguing, and she was proving your point efficiently here. There must be a reason, why she would leave her previous life behind. You took your phone in your hands and looked it suspiciously. You checked that Lilly was now alone in her home. After a few minutes’ serious consideration, you opened the messages and typed.

Jake: Hello, Lilly.

She answered quickly, like she always did.

Lilly: Oh no, no, no

You weren’t surprised for her answer, since you knew that they probably had talked about you a lot with MC. And she was the one, who didn’t have great things to say about your actions, so you doubted that she anything positive to say about you.

Jake: I need to ask you a favor.

Lilly: No.

Jake: Tell me, why did MC move to Duskwood?

You decided to get straight to the point, since circling the matter wasn’t going to get you anywhere. You saw her typing instantly and then erasing it. You had to wait a quite long time that she composed a whole message, and it wasn’t enjoyable to read.

Lilly: Why on earth do you think you had right to know? Why are you so intrusive about this, since you dumped her? She’s trying to manage that you left her and honestly Jake, I thought you were better.

You read those lines and felt offended, she was being unreasonable. She didn’t even know why you had left MC, but people broke up every day and usually their families were supportive.

Jake: I am sorry to hear that. But she does have friends, and you all have shown me your friendliness towards her many times before. She will overcome this.

Lilly: How do you overcome something that she will never be able to forget?

Jake: She will forget me.

You saw her writing again and composing a message for a long time. You felt frustrated and started to regret approaching Lilly, since this was going nowhere.

Lilly: I can not say anything else to you or tell the reasons why she is here, but you should have listened her when she said she needed to talk. All I am saying that you need to talk to her yourself if you want answers. And trust me, you definitely want to hear them.

Now you were just confused, why Lilly couldn’t tell you what you were asking for? You tried to ask her again, but she just stayed offline and that was probably intentional. You looked the time and noticed your train would leave in half an hour and the next train would leave tomorrow.

You knew that you couldn’t go without an answer and you wouldn’t get them at the safehouse from her. Frustrated, you threw your backpack on the floor and left the motel room.

It was raining so much that you had trouble at seeing in front of you. You arrived her buildings door quicker than you had thought, and half of the trip were forgotten in your mess of thoughts. You had absolutely no plan how to deal with this situation since you didn’t want to be seen but she lived on the second floor. There was light coming from the window, which means she was still awake. You wondered could you climb up to her balcony, when you heard way too familiar noise behind your back.

“If you are thinking about spying me without my consent, think again”, she said coldly. You turned around and saw her standing right in front of you. “Lilly told me that you might pay me a visit”, she continued.

There was nothing coming out of your mouth, not even a simple “hello”. You realized that you had made a terrible mistake and nothing, absolutely nothing, had gone according to your lousy plan. All you could do, was to stare her.

“Yeah, I didn’t think that you would had anything to say either”, she sneered, and you felt a sting in your heart when she talked like that to you. “You’re satisfied when everyone plays by your rules, but tables have turned, my love.”

My love. Not ever those two words had said so bitter tone and never would you thought that you wouldn’t want to hear her say them to you. You stared her plainly and tried to figure a way out of this situation. Talking to her would be a great mistake, and you didn’t know if you two were being watched.

“What makes you think I would like you to play by my rules?” You rudely asked. You hated to talk to her like this, but you couldn’t allow her to get hopes up in vain. This situation was so bizarre and this hostile character of hers felt as stranger to you. The next thing you were going to say, would be just plain evil.

“As I recall, I didn’t want you to be part of my life anymore.”

She looked hurt and tears had filled her eyes. You felt guilt instantly rushing in on you and felt ashamed. Your purpose here wasn’t to hurt her more, but everything you did and said just made things worse.

“I am sorry, MC” you said in a raspy voice. “I will go now, and we will never meet again. I should have not come.” The rain poured harder than ever, and you started to get cold and could see that she was shivering too. Somewhere afar you could hear thunderstorm approaching and you wanted her to get in before she would catch a cold.

“Go home, MC”, you said and felt exhausted again. She looked so fragile when looking at you and all you wanted was to pull her close to you and keep her warm. She only had her cardigan as protecting her from the rain and the wind. You let your eyes wander on her; she was so vivid when you saw her in your own eyes without the screen in between. The new haircut was now wet, and you followed the raindrops on her skin to her neck and cleavage. Her hands were crossed tightly on her front and you remembered those long fingers caressing your back, writing letters while you were guessing what she was trying to type.

Then you saw it; first you thought the lightning had done it tricks to you and you squinted your eyes, trying to see it again. She moved her right hand to tuck hair strand behind her ear and then you just knew that you had fucked up. Fucked up really good this time.

Everything stopped; you couldn’t see the darkness anymore or feel cold, clock didn’t move, and sense of rush flooded in your veins, tingling all your fingers and toes. Adrenalin came like a shockwave and almost knocked you over. You tried to say something, but the words got lost in the way. You opened your mouth, trying to form questions but nothing came out. With quick steps you walked to her and got a tight grip from her cardigan and tried to pull it open.

“What the fuck, Jake” she flinched and tried to take a few steps back while pushing you away, but your hands didn’t ease on her, keeping her on place. “Let go of me!”

In normal situation you would had let go on her instantly when she asked. But now you didn’t care, you had to see it thoroughly in your own eyes. You ripped her cardigans buttons open and there it was. Something heavy sank in your stomach and you felt panic arising inside of you; your sight begun to look a place to escape, and you wanted so badly this to be dream. But no matter how hard you tried to wake up, it was still there, under the ridiculous looking flowery shirt.

A bump.

You looked her bewildered. I swear to you God, if you ever have existed, it is a great time to do some favors. But nothing happened, the rain, the wind and she were still there, just a few inches away from you. You could feel her hot breath in your skin, and it felt like a getting third-degree burn. She saw from your face that you knew and sighted heavily.

“Well, I tried to tell you. I really did.”

And the world went black in your eyes.

A/N: I hope you enjoyed! I'm usually very reserved towards the pregnancies in fanfiction, I don't know why. But this idea came to me and I couldn't get rid of it so here we are. I'm trying to keep Jake and MC on character still, let me know what do you think. :)

[dontshootmespence]

Which Fic

I was tagged by @stusbunker and @there-must-be-a-lock!

I’ll do a mix of CM and SPN fics.

Which of your fics…

…did you think would get a bigger reaction/audience than it got?

For SPN, I think Never Saw Blue Like That Before. It’s Destiel, which is obviously a big SPN ship and I was really happy with how it came out.

For Criminal Minds, basically any series I’ve done that isn’t smut. But the three I’m happiest with are Upheaval, a season 13 ender fix it fic.

After a rollercoaster year filled with departing friends, jail time, and one of the most notorious killers the team has ever faced, the last thing anyone needs is this. A truck barrels toward a group of them, leaving their future uncertain, while others stand by unable to help in any way. What crosses their minds when their lives flash before their eyes? Even if the physical injuries don’t kill them, will they be able to recover?

Coercion - Started from a one line challenge.

You are just about to start your new job at the BAU after years of working to get there, when a man you don’t know approaches you with an evil plan and knowledge of every sordid detail of your past. What will you do? Will you give into the man’s demands? Or will you be able to find another way out?

And Caged

Years after Spencer’s wife is kidnapped, there’s a break in her case and she comes home. Or does she? Is she the same woman she was before her ordeal?

…got a better reaction than you expected?

For SPN, it’s probably The Perfect Storm, an Alpha!Sam x Omega!Reader. It has about 260 notes but it was my first ABO fic and I was so fucking nervous about posting it, so I was surprised at the success it had.

For CM, honestly there are a bunch of smuts that I’m like...okay I wrote that and they BLEW UP. Most recently was Phone Calls Be Damned. I wrote it in like 20 minutes...it has nearly 900 notes. I work for ages on some pieces that BARELY get a tenth of that.

…is your funniest?

For CM, a lot of my general CM fics involving the whole team tend to be on the funnier side. I love Prank War, Secrets of the Bullpen, Pics Or It Didn’t Happen and In The Middle of the Night.

For SPN, I don’t have a ton of funny. But I think You Win or You Die is pretty funny.

…is your darkest or angstiest?

For CM, I’d have to go with Candyfloss and Novocaine, which was a collab with the lovely @cherrybombs-and-rabbitholes. 

For SPN, I’m working on what I think will be my angstiest to date, but the current one is Salvation, a Sam x Reader. I don’t really do angst super well. IMO, it’s my worst genre.

…is your absolute favorite?

For CM, it is impossible to pick. After 6 years writing CM, I have 1,000+ fics to choose from. Anything I’ve written as a request to “help” someone or make them feel better about themselves is important to me though.

For CM, it’s a Cas x Reader fic called Beauty In Stillness.

…is your least favorite?

Again, it’s hard to choose with Criminal Minds because I have so many, But I have a couple crossovers that I wrote early on in my writing that I don’t think are that good.

For SPN, it’s probably Searching for Oblivion. It was a Dean smut and one of my first forays into SPN writing. I don’t think it’s awful, but I can do better.

…was the easiest to write?

For Criminal Minds, the easiest to write was probably Passive Aggressive Partnership. I remember that one flowing pretty quickly.

For Supernatural, it has to be Cherry Red.

…was hardest to write?

For Criminal Minds, the hardest thing to write was Article of Faith.

For SPN, the hardest was Teetering on the Edge, another ABO, but I’m SO FUCKING HAPPY with how it came out.

…has your favorite lines/exchange/paragraph? (share it!)

For Criminal Minds, I am proud of a lot, but out of all the stuff I’ve written, a section from chapter 5 of Coercion stands out.

With the floodgates open, you couldn’t stop yourself from screaming. You stood up and got right up into Spencer’s face just as he’d done to you. Hotch had gotten up from his seat, thinking you were going to attempt to hurt Spencer, but you couldn’t Of course they couldn’t believe that under the circumstances. “I’ve been beaten! I’ve had my bones broken by the men that paid for me. I’ve been raped. I’ve had knives used against my skin because the rush of torturing and raping a 15-year-old girl got my clients off. I’ve been left on the side of the road with my thighs and vagina in too much pain to walk! I’ve been used as a drug mule! My only friend on the streets was murdered in front of me because I asked for a break and she had offered to take my client to let me rest. After all that, I tried to kill myself!” Your throat was raw, but you couldn’t stop. “But I had nothing. I had no money. So the only way I could think of doing it was to swallow the half a bottle of sleeping pills I had found in the trash. The next morning, I woke up in a pool of my own vomit. I took it was a sign that I was meant to do something with my life, so I pushed myself up. I walked away from the town I grew up in. Hid in sewers and pipes and abandoned buildings to make sure my pimp wouldn’t find me and kill me, or worse, rape me too, because he liked to do that if I haven’t mentioned it already, and send me back to my old life. I clawed my way up. I begged and cried and bled to get where I am now, and then that bastard came up to me and threatened to take it all away or he’d expose my past and kill you.

For SPN, there’s a section of Teetering on the Edge that JUST...I did it, man.

“Don’t you fucking dare pull that neanderthal bullshit with me, Alpha!” You yelled your throat hoarse. Sam dipped out of the area and back toward his bedroom. It didn’t matter. Whether he was here or not, you’d be seething. “You don’t get to decide my life for me! Have you ever thought that maybe I’d rather be in danger with you than safe without you?” He readied himself to respond but you pushed against his shoulder with a force that startled even you. “Did you ever stop to think that I’ve waited my entire life to find the person I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with? And that now that I found him, I’ll be damned if I let him go?”

You were on a roll. Dean wanted to speak, but you wouldn’t let him. “No! You didn’t fucking think about what I want! Because your number one priority is to make sure you don’t have anymore blood on your hands. Well, guess what. You don’t get to do that. Not with me! When you care, you get blood on your hands. That’s just the way it is. I get to make my own damn decisions!” It all just exploded out of you. You kept screaming and crying and drinking to the point where you weren’t even sure what you were saying anymore. As you kept going, your arguments shifted from his demeanor to your own health. “You claimed me,” you said, pulling your sleeve aside to shove the mark in his face. “You know what’ll happen to me without you? I could fucking die!”

Dean waited for you to stop ranting, steadily finishing his beer. Once you were all yelled out, he chose his words wisely. “There’s medication. You’ll be fine. You’re not going to change my mind,” he said flatly, trying to keep any sense of emotion out of his voice, even though you could tell he was right on the edge of acknowledging every amazing and shit feeling he was feeling in this moment. “I need you to get out of the bunker as soon as possible. For your own good.”

Without thinking, you reeled back and slapped him, open palm to cheek, relishing in the sound of the crack that reverberated throughout the bunker. “Fuck you, Alpha! Fuck. You.”

…have you reread the most?

For CM, I tend to only re-read things rarely when other people reblog. I’ll read something that they liked from a while ago and go, hell fucking yea. I wrote that.

For SPN, I re-read a lot of my Cas stuff because he’s my fucking angel :D

…would you recommend to someone reading your work for the first time?

For Criminal Minds, read all the general fic. I think it gives a taste of how I write the entire team. Though given how much I write Spencer I think I have his characterization down most.

For SPN, I think I’d go with Beauty In Stillness for fluff, Salvation for angst and Satisfaction Comes From Sharing With Others for smutttt.

…are you most proud of?

For CM, overall, I think I’d go with Upheaval.

For SPN, it’s definitely, Beauty in Stillness, Salvation and Teetering on the Edge.

Okay, this was BALLS hard, but I enjoyed :D

I’m tagging @heycasbutt @impala-dreamer @because-imma-lady-assface @covered-byroses and @illegalcerebral 

[lovewavesxx]

Love Waves - EP 13 - White Lines

November 13, 2017

“I’ve been driving fast to feel less. White Lines to kick my addiction. -E xx.”

Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/user/ericajones10/playlist/3qGX7WeWN44Gxg8OOQLj2L

Apple Music: https://itunes.apple.com/us/playlist/love-waves-ep-13-white-lines/pl.u-EdAV8yGtGbq7Vr

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLwEZgDEorNRRVkgZwUF7BCWFSkL1ZZGSV

Please read through everything before you listen to this playlist with the shuffle setting OFF.

I highly recommend watching some of these music videos. You can do that by clicking the underlined titles or clicking the YouTube link above.

1. 6LACK – Never Know

2. Sabrina Claudio – Confidently Lost

3. SZA – Child’s Play (feat. Chance the Rapper)

4. Wiz Khalifa – Get Your S**t

5. Chris Brown – Emotions

6. Belly – Can’t Feel a Thing

7. G-Eazy – The Plan

8. Drake – Portland (feat. Quavo & Travis Scott)

9. Clean Bandit – I Miss You (feat. Julia Michaels)

10. Aly & AJ – I Know

11. Charlie Puth – How Long

12. Tyler, The Creator – Forward (feat. Rex Orange County)

13. Snoh Aalegra – Sometimes (feat. Logic)

14. LE$ - Night Vision Goggles

15. Mac DeMarco – Ode to Viceroy

16. Jhené Aiko – Never Call Me (feat. Kurupt)

Click here for my Spotify profile

Click here for my Apple Music profile

https://ericajones10.sarahah.com/

Click here for my twitter @ericajones1010

Playlist Description:

It was either Friday or Saturday last weekend that I saw something on Instagram that really fucked me up. It fucked me up for a few days. The final realization that I was no longer needed or wanted in any form really knocked me on my ass. It took me a few days to recover. I think, I might still be slowly recovering, but the damage is done, and I finally feel, like happy, to be finished after over a year of this.

I used to drive around and listen to music when I needed to get out of my own head. Most of the time it was at night because that’s when I struggle the most to shut my head off. Plus, I really like the city lights.

Sometimes I drive very fast when I know I shouldn’t. I’m talking 115-120mph fast. Death speeds. My palms are sweating while I write this. I don’t know how to explain driving for me other than I get so focused on what I am physically concentrating on, that I forget what my mind was fixated on. I hate using the cruise control on long trips because I need that game. I need that fluctuation in the flow of traffic. Driving is a type of distraction. So, I drive fast to feel less.

Of course there are white lines all over the road. That’s a given. The double meaning here is that white lines also means drugs or cocaine. I’ve never done drugs. Ask anyone who fucking knows me. Anyways, the irony of that statement is it sounds like I’m doing something that may become addicting just to break a different addiction. That’s not how things are supposed to be fixed. You are not supposed to break an addiction with another addiction. That would almost defeat the purpose of curing or bettering yourself because that behavior is still there.

I drove a lot from November 3rd to November 12th.  To be more exact, I spent about 21 hour 39 minutes driving about 1,427 miles. In case you were wondering, yes I do feel dead inside and my eyes fell out of my skull on Tuesday. That’s a joke, but I do feel very fatigued for not actually doing a whole lot.

All of that driving helped a lot with the initial sting. Also, cuddling with my brother’s dog Zeus helped a lot too. The playlist this week stems from music I listened to a lot while bee boppin’ around on I-70. I only hope the lack of mobility driving around this week doesn’t backfire or let in something I don’t want to feel or think about. I’m crazy, just incase you haven’t noticed yet. :)

I’m so over feeling like just because I care about you and love you, that I have to put myself on a fucking rollercoaster to get only a slight return on my investment. I woke up this morning and realized there is a serious difference between loving someone and feeling secure and at peace than loving someone and choosing to put up with their inconsistency and for lack of a better word, bullshit. In my opinion there is a very clear distinction between staying with someone and working things out to grow for the better, and staying with someone who is not actively putting in effort to make their life or your life better and positive. This is only just now clicking in my brain. Maybe not so much clicking, because of course those statements make sense, but I suppose I am just now reaching that point of letting go for real this time. I don’t even know what I would say to you anymore, so I won’t.

I used to think even though we were dysfunctional, we at least cared, but I’ve come the realization that if we actually cared in the slightest, then we wouldn’t do shit that hurts the other, and then continue to do that, whether it’s intentional or not. In my case, it’s the fading, coming back, rinse, and repeat. If I’ve told you that bugs me and we continue to do it, then bye. I’m over it. Like, I mean really over it this time. I sound like a bratty sixteen-year-old. SOS.

The couples I look up to, the couples I admire for their relationship, the couples I hope to be more like one day, do not put each other through so many dumb things. They never have to guess if the other person is thinking of them. They never have to put up with the other person being senseless. They never have to guess if the other person is fighting for them. They never have to guess if the other person is really thinking of their best interest.

I don’t think great levels of uncertainty or complication exists in the type of relationships I aspire to be a part of. I have put up with that shit because I felt I had to. I felt I was weak and everything I had done would be dismissed if I left—if I stopped caring. I now think that’s the opposite. I don’t have to stop caring, but I have to stop giving energy and time to something that is no longer beneficial to my mental health and growth as an individual.

Be courteous to people. Be kind. Show love. I had a conversation while I was driving back from the 6LACK concert. The next few sentences are a gist of what that entailed. It helped me a lot too. I need to take my own advice more often. Know when to back away when the vibe feels off. I’m still learning to trust this feeling. It takes two people to work on any form of relationship, but if there’s only one willing to fight for success as a couple, then I think the relationship has already run its course. If something feels unnatural and forced, then it probably is. Long term, or even short term, nobody likes feeling uncomfortable in a relationship. Trust the energy you are receiving. Energy doesn’t lie.

Also, while you may be tripping over keeping something alive that is already dead, you may be missing out on the potential of something much greater.

Song Descriptions:

My best friend Kayla and I saw 6LACK and Sabrina Claudio in concert on Thursday (11-09). I’ve been a fan of his since way before his album was released last year so it was great to finally see him live. I first found Sabrina when she was on YouTube, so it was cool to see her too. My favorite lyrics from Never Know are: I know a lot of people but I don’t fuck with a lot…If I was waiting on you to tell me then I would never know.”

Click here to read the official lyrics for Never Know by 6LACK

SZA is my qveen, and Chance is just the cherry on top of Child’s Play.

Wiz released a new album that I actually really like, but while on the road I started re-listening to his older projects and Get Your S**t really stuck with me. It’s the end of an era and the beginning of a new one with his new girl. Instead of me typing all of my favorite lyrics just read them all.

Click here to read the official lyrics for Get Your S**t by Wiz Khalifa

OHHHKKKKKAAAAYYYY, Chris Brown’s new 45 track album Heartbreak on a Full Moon is ridiculously good. There are 24 songs on that thing I like. Emotions is one of those. The pre-chorus into the chorus is my favorite part, and the actual music production is something that hooked me too.

I first started listening to Belly when his Inzombia album dropped in November of 2016. This past week I’ve been listening to my Belly playlist that has all of his music in it. While I do enjoy his first few projects, and I do appreciate Mumble Rap, Inzombia still has so many of my favorite songs of his.

G IS RELEASING A DOUBLE ALBUM ON DECEMBER 15TH. The Plan bumps.

I heard Portland at the K-State football game I went to and that song brought me back to life because I am not the biggest fan of football. The music and band were on pointtttttt though.

Adam got me hooked on I Miss You and How Long. The lyrics in both songs are too wonderful and lately I’ve been paying a lot of attention to Charlie’s music production. He makes these slight changes that are so subtle, yet welcomed.

I am beyond excited for Aly and AJ’s new EP to be released. Their new sound is so on with today’s sound, but they still manage to give is a twist somehow. It’s awesome whatever they’re doing.

Tyler. I bought a ticket to see Tyler, The Creator on November 9th, and I was fully planning on attending his concert after 6LACK, but the first concert ran too long. SO, after being a Tyler fan for like 3 years I didn’t get to see him perform one of my favorite albums of 2017. I’ll live, but man that would’ve been a great moment.

The lyric that pops out to me the most in Sometimes is when Logic repeatedly says, “Use your head don’t be dumb.”

Night Vision Goggle is on an titled album The Catalina Wine Mixer by LE$. That song and  and the song Ode to Viceroy were sent to me during the week and they both fit the flow so I decided they deserved placement. Mac’s lyrics definitely fit the theme of dysfunction. :)

My favorite lyric from Never Call Me is during Kurupt’s outro. He says, “..you are the one, everyone else is 2’s and 3’s. You’re the one.”

Click here to read the offical lyrics for Never Call Me by Jhéne Aiko feat. Kurupt

I was worried this playlist wasn’t going to end up sounding great, but to be very honest this is one of my favorite playlists now.

Love, -E xx.

[pyromania2667]

The Great Winterwight Fight

So my group just recently got back into our epic campaign (level 30), retconned a few things (specifically my death) and we decided to do some things before we got to where we left off last time.

As we woke up within Thanatos (the plane where Orcus resides), we noticed a massive cloud in the distance, oh you know, just some inclimate weather. No big deal.

My spot is trash compared to my friend who has like like +50, and he saw a guy herding a massive horde of winterwights and blackguards. (I forgot the guys name, but I will update this post when we get back to the campaign again). This was trouble, so we all hopped onto our Bat Dad and he BOLTED moving like 300ft / round. Unfortunately it was not fast enough to escape the horde, so we had to run into a cave. The cave closed behind us, and the guy leading the horde just kinda phased through the wall. It was almost like he was toying with us, so we just kept running through the pitch black cave. One of our friends didn’t have darkvision, so I casted light and now we were on a lit Bat Dad scurrying around a treacherous cave.

We reached an impass where there were spikes below us, the wizard reversed gravity and we rose to the ceiling and found refuge in a little hovel. To our surprise there was a guy there defending himself against us with a frying pan, ready to smack us if we got near. Bat Dad did the good ol’ 67 points of nonlethal damage to the face again, he was not undead, nor was he evil so I healed him up (like can you not mercilessly annihilate everyone we come by? This poor guy had to regrow his teeth that were knocked out.). Yeah he was here for who knows how long and he lost his party, so we vowed to return him to safety. The poor bard just wanted to go home, and he finally has his deliverance. Alas, as we said this, winterwights started to reveal themselves at the entrance to the hovel, we have been found.

The thing about winterwights, is their tendency to be cold, and I MEAN COLD, They have stuff like an aura of cold, and can cast many cold related spells at will. This icy cave we were in was not helping the situation, so they casted Sleet Storm, hindering our ability to see and just being a really big nuisance since we can no longer see the enemies we are fighting or how many. Things were not doing so well, because I have a fairly low base constitution of 12, in which it is raised by my amulet of constitution. But these skeletons have a nasty blightfire attack that deals continuous constitution damage if you fail a save. Fortunately being a healer I had my secret weapon, for you see, I wasn’t trapped within this hovel with them. THEY. WERE. TRAPPED. WITH ME.

With a casual prayer and a flick of my wrist, these wights would cease to exist. Healers have access to Mass Heal as an 8th level spell, so I can prepare more than if it were 9th level. with my current stats, it would deal 276 damage to undead (and heal us of course),  they can resist it for half damage, but still, 138 guaranteed damage is massive and I had 4 of them prepared.

We still couldnt tell how many were standing, if any were due to the massive sleet storm hindering our sight and senses. To my dismay a winterwight managed to strike me with its attack and I was infused with it’s Blightfire.

Blight fire deals 1d6 constitution damage for 5 turns at the start of your turn, the effect ends when you succeed a fortitude save though. DC 29. (keep in mind my friends were also hit by this, but they have better saves than I do, maybe except the wizard, but he was further in the backlines.)

Me and my +15 fortitude didn’t stand a chance against that DC 29.

PANIC.

Oh crap, my constitution is DROPPING. Lesser and normal restoration has a 3 round cast time, I forgot to prepare mass restoration which has a standard action cast time. Greater restoration takes 10 minutes, Heal doesn’t retore ability drain and I need something FAST. Then I remember my reserve spells. My object of deliverance, my savior, I had Mitigate Suffering. Thank you dear Pelor for this gift, I was able to give myself +10 constitution to recouperate from my lost stats. I still failed all my saves and took another 11 damage. I had 1 constitution left. oh my gosh, I LOST 300 HP.

I now have a health cap of 20, as a level 30 character. Bat Dad and our newest friend, Bolatus (the wizard) managed to fend off the remaining skeletons. Bolatus took some blightfire drain as well, but it was nothing mitigate suffering couldn’t help with. After combat was over I began to cast greater restoration on myself.

Then that guy (who I cant remember atm, sorry) waltzed in, directed himself toward the wizard. Apparently the two of them have some beef together, he gave some threats and the Wizard said it was nothing (uwot.jpg). He was like oh really? and sent a blackguard on us.

Crap, good heavens, oh dear pelor in the greater planes, that is a big boi.

He was a towering fallen paladin, and Immediately noticed me casting greater restoration. Zoning in, he immediately charged at me. Bat Dad (a tattooed monk) intercepted it with an attack of opportunity. On success he would halt the blackguard, on failure the blackguard will pass him. Nat. One. Honestly this felt scripted, I just kind of accepted my fate again. But he was prepared, for he had the Unicorn tattoo, which allows him to reroll once per day and take the reroll regardless of the outcome.

This was a rollercoaster of emotions and I was starting to get emotionally exhausted being violently shook around like this. We managed to defeat the blackguard, thankfully and I didn’t take a single hit (30 damage would kill me, and honestly I could take 50 if you just looked at me the wrong way).

Then that guy casually walks in, STEALS THE VERY SOUL OF THE BARD WE JUST MET, leaving him to an eternity of suffering and damnation and leaves. (it didn’t go exactly like that, but that was mostly the gist).

I finished my greater restoration 9 minutes later and now we have the dilema of saving that poor soul or continuing with our quest. Obviously I want to save the poor sap, but we ended the session there.

To Be Continued.

[angelergic]

Manhunt - Chapter 8

~MASTERLIST~

Words: 3376

A/N: New chapter alert, my dear readers!

I know, it was once again a long time you had to wait for this chapter. It took me almost a week to finish this chapter, and I can honestly say, I'm proud of the rollercoaster of emotions that you're going to read in here!

I also wanted to tell you, that my surgery went well and that I'm doing fine. Also, they let me home on Tuesday.

I hope you enjoy this chapter and as always, I'm happy to read your feedbacks!

Tagging: @celebranehelyanwe, @ladystar0710, @annamreed, @humorcomchantilly @thefivebaddestbidders (if you don’t want to be tagged just tell me.)

CHAPTER 8:

I stumble back when the realization hits me that I still have a piece of family living out here, somewhere.

"Well, actually she's your half-sister you two only have the same father but different mothers." Eisuke's gruff voice rips me out of my thoughts, all of a sudden, he's right at my side also looking at the computer screen.

I only click my tongue at his unnecessary correction and lean forward again, "Soryu, can you find out anything more about her?" he gives a simple nod and begins to type away on his laptop.

Suddenly, a lot of information pops up. I rapidly blink my eyes, not expecting to find so much. The one that is on full display looks like it's some kind of personal description, like the ones you can find when you want to know everything about a certain celebrity.

"All right, this is all the information I can find about her. She kind of looks like you when you were in your teens." Soryu whispered the second part, so only I could hear it. I smiled lovingly at the picture.

"She does, doesn't she?" I said dreamily. I guess it was a picture from around 3 years ago, she has puppy-like, grey-green eyes with a dark circle around her pupils, her nose is small just like mine too and she has cute, pouty lips. Her hair looks absolutely beautiful, it's espresso brown, shoulder-length, and looks thick and healthy.

I let my eyes drift downwards to all her personal information like her height, weight and also her address. My eyes widened in surprise when I read her address. St. Luke's International hospital, Tokyo.

I didn't know if I should feel joy or sadness. Joy; she lives in Tokyo. Sadness; she has lived in a hospital for 2 years now, with her mother.

"Soryu could you open her medical record, please?" I whispered to Soryu, who seemed to be just as confused and curious as I was, so he opened it immediately.

As her medical record popped up I looked at the numbers of pages it had. There were 3 pages. 3. Dear god.

Soryu stood up and motioned for me to sit down and take the laptop which I immediately did. I gave him a curt nod and mumbled; "Thanks." I went to reading right away and began to shut down the deep voices from the men that gathered around me.

The first thing I read about was a tonsillectomy, or also known as a tonsil removal, in 2008. Everything went well and she healed nicely, no complaints.

Skipping to 4 years ago, the year 2012. There was a big car crash on a highway in Tokyo. Tamara and her aunt were in the car, they just came back from camping for the weekend. When a drunk-driver was speeding against traffic with 120 mph and hit their car frontal, her aunt was instantly dead but by some miracle my sister survived after they put her in an artificial coma. She also lost the mobility in her legs.

I didn't realize it before something trickled down my hand I had on the keyboard, I was crying. God, why was I acting so stupidly emotional lately? I was always crying over something whether it was Eisuke pissing me off or reading the medical chart of my sister. Maybe I was already developing a strong and deep love towards a person I haven't even met.

I wiped the tears off my cheeks with the back of my hand and continued reading.

2 years ago, she was diagnosed with PTSD. Since the car crash she spaced out more than she normally would and always woke up screaming and sweating from horrible nightmares, constantly reliving the events prior to everything. She also kept avoiding highways and cars that were the same brand as her aunts.

From there on her life seemed to be going even more downhills than before her diagnosis.

Almost exactly 1 year ago, she went to the doctors because she had been experiencing severe nausea, fatigue, pain in her bones and rapid weight loss for unknown reasons. After a bone marrow and blood test the diagnosis was clear.

Stage 4 leukemia.

She is currently undergoing chemotherapy even though the doctors told her that they could only extend her life span for a while.

I cover my mouth and try to stifle a sob, but it escapes anyway as tears once again begin to cascade down my cheeks. I hunch over and put the laptop in front of me on the table and bury my face in my hands, crying to myself.

I feel three hands touching my shoulders and my back, each of them rubbing soothing circles into my skin. I open my eyes a bit and look absentmindedly through my hands when I notice someone moving in front of me, kneeling so he is face to face with me and taking my tear soaked hands in his calloused ones.

Kneeling in front of me was Soryu with a soothing and reassuring smile on his face. "Hey, you're going to see your sister. We're going to visit her and then you can talk about everything you missed out in each others life’s." Apparently, he misunderstood my reaction thinking that I thought I was not going to see her or worrying that she's not going to accept me.

I shook my head and a frown made its way on his face. I mumbled hoarsely; "No, you don't understand. She has stage 4 leukemia and the doctors, they told her they don't know for how much longer she will live. They couldn't even give her a number on how much longer she's going to live."

I felt the four hands that were touching me begin to tighten at the things I just revealed. Soryu looked at me with sad eyes but he was stunned to silence, comforting someone was never his strength. I saw somebody move beside me and get into the same position as Soryu was currently in.

“Princess, I can only imagine what you’re going through right now but you need to be strong for us. For Tamara.” Baba comforted while kneading the flesh on my upper arm.

I looked over at him and could see his eyebrows form a sad, worried frown. “Please, we need you to stay here with us. Don’t shut us out.”

Soryu also began to press my knee with his hand which made me turn my attention towards him. I stared into his eyes for a few moments, his eyes were filled with determination and reassurance, he gave me a light nod and a faint smile.

I wiped my tears off my face and took a deep breath, “Okay let’s get back to it, we have a case to solve.” My voice was still a little weak and shaky, but filled with determination.

Soryu and Baba smiled at me, getting back on their feet and Mamoru said, “Alright y’all heard the kid, back to it!”

Before Sor could turn away from me, I put a hand on his shoulder which made him turn towards me once again with a questioning look on his face. I softly smiled up at him and whispered a soft, “Thank you.”

He smiled back at me and placed his hand on top of mine. I dropped my hand and turned back towards the computer on my lap.

---

After what could have been a few minutes or hours, I'm not exactly sure, Eisuke stepped out of his office and called me up to look at something.

As I jogged up the stairs, I could not help but get lost in my thoughts. I kept thinking about Tamara, I would love to go to the hospital she's at to visit her and also, to get to know her better. On the other hand, I didn't want to confuse or scare her away from me if she rejected me or didn't want to have anything to do with me, her life has already been hard enough.

"Pick up the pace!" I heard Eisuke growl from the top of the stairs. I almost fell down the stairs because he startled me so bad. When I reached the top, I shot him a killing look and cursed under my breath.

When we got to his office, Eisuke closed the door and walked to his desk with his laptop on it. He sat down, pulled a second chair next to him and patted it as a sign for me to sit down. I hesitantly obliged and questioned while doing so; "What did you find, Eisuke?"

He had his triumphant smirk on his face and turned to his laptop, typing away. "So, I searched for murders that are similar to your fathers in the past 15 years. And I found a few, 6 to be exact."

As I listened to Eisuke I began to focus my eyes on the laptop screen and scanned over the names of the victims. I absentmindedly began to mumble to myself and Eisuke stopped talking while he shoved the laptop in front of me.

I noticed that the victims were from both genders, which meant that he did not have a strong hate towards one gender. But they were all in the same age group, late 20's to mid-30's.

They were also all killed in Japan and were just as successful as my father was, from being in a grand business to working as a head chef in the biggest restaurants in Japan. My mind couldn't really grasp all the information that was suddenly thrown at me and this stupid nightmare just kept creeping back into my mind. Without thinking, I began to write down the crime scene of Ota I have seen in my dream. The first name that popped up was John Wayne Gacy, the psychotic killer-clown from Chicago. Then I narrowed it down to just the Japan area, no specific name popped up just another unsolved case that was opened 15 years ago. Only now there was a list of 21 people on this list.

I sit back in the chair and let out a tired sigh while rolling my head to get some of the built-up tension out of my shoulders. "If this is all the doing of one person, he would have multiple personality disorder. That means he has about 5 or 6 personalities, damnit!" I begin to mumble to myself but the last part was a little louder than intended which made Eisuke turn towards me.

"What are you mumbling about? Found something?" he asked annoyed while crossing his arms.

"No. I mean, yes. Kind of?" I shrug and shake my head to gather my thoughts, this was all just too much of an emotional rollercoaster. "I had a nightmare about the 5 of you being murdered in 5 completely different ways. So, I looked up one of those scenes and found the exact same time-span, with the exact same descriptions of the killer. I think our murderer might have a multiple personality disorder." I began to explain with a clearer head, by just concentrating on the matter at hand.

I could see that Eisuke's attention was transfixed on the words that were escaping me. When I was finished with talking he scratched his chin while thinking about my words and probably puzzling the pieces together.

---

Our little study round was interrupted by Baba bursting through the doors of the giant office. "Princess!" he chirped in a tone that I already found overly suspicious, "Come with me, I have a surprise for you!" he held out his hand and did a gentlemanly bow.

Eisuke and I shared a side look and the both of us shaking our heads while I began to giggle at Eisuke's funny, grumpy face he had. I turned back towards Baba's outstretched hand and took it with little hesitation, I didn't like his tone before but I know that Baba has something up his sleeve I will find enjoyment in.

He led me out of the lounge and charged towards his room. "Baba, what exactly do you have in mind?" I asked, knowing I will only get a half-assed response but hey, asking doesn't cost anything, right?

"Didn't I say that it would be a surprise?" he asked back while coming to a halt in front of his own penthouse room.

"Well, yes you did. But I'm an Interpol agent, you should know I don't like surprises that much, especially when they are coming from a criminal." With a smug smile, I decided to tease Baba back.

He unlocked the door and looked back at me pretending to be hurt by my words. "Now that right there was just cruel! I'm not a criminal, I'm a thief!" I looked at Baba dumbfounded with big eyes and my mouth slightly agape. Then I burst out laughing so hard I had to hold my stomach. When I turned my gaze back towards Baba he had a sincere smile on his lips.

"Alright so what is this big surprise you're playing up right now?" I walked past Baba into the living room and turned back towards him.

"Go take a shower, wash all those tears away. When you're finished go into my bedroom and put on what's lying on the bed. I'll be waiting here." He slumped down on the couch, still wearing that honest smile.

I nod and head towards his bathroom, where a long overdue shower is waiting for me.

---

To say that the shower was much needed is probably an understatement, it was most likely one of the most satisfying showers I've ever had in my entire life. With the towel tightly wrapped around my body I walked into the bedroom, that was connected to the bathroom, while drying my hair.

When I reached the bed, I couldn't believe my eyes and thought Baba was messing around with me. There was a beautiful, fluffy cocktail dress lying on the bed. I gasped loudly as I took the royal blue, silky, dress by the hanger and pressing it to my body while looking in the mirror.

I put the dress on and had one of the biggest, most idiotic smiles of eternity on my face. It was a perfect fit and the perfect length, it almost reached my knees. How did Baba even know my dress size?

When I turned back around to see if the zipper was all the way up, and maybe to see if my butt looked good, my gaze fell back towards the bed where I noticed a pair of simple, black high heels. I picked them up and held onto Baba's armoire while putting them on. Like the dress, they were exactly my size, how does he do that?

As I looked at my body in the mirror, stepped closer to it and got a closer look at my face. I had faint dark rings, my lips and my skin looked dehydrated. I wondered if by some miracle, Baba had some makeup. Suddenly I heard some shuffling behind the door and saw Baba opening it.

"Wow." Was the only thing he could muster, while his eyes danced up and down my body. "Princess, you just made me lose my words, and it takes a lot to do that to a man who really likes to talk." I laughed a little at his remark and turned fully towards him.

"Makeup's in the bathroom mirror." He crossed his arms triumphantly. "You really think I would forget one the most important things? I have everything perfectly mapped out." I grinned up at him and made my way into the bathroom, to do my makeup and hair.

After about 30 minutes I walked out and found Baba sitting on the bed with his phone in hand. "I'm ready." I said in a soft voice.

He lifted his head away from the phone screen and his eyes grew wider than before as he took in my finished look. I blushed and placed a piece of hair behind my ear while smiling shyly.

He walked towards me as he extended his arm out towards me and I took it without hesitation. "Alright, my lady. Let's go." And so, began an evening I wouldn't forget in a while.

---

Dinner was absolutely fantastic. We went to a little restaurant, a secret favorite gem of Baba's so he told me, that was in a vintage style with huge chandeliers decorating and lighting up the room. The company I had with me wasn't so bad either, it made me feel a little nostalgic only that the both of us matured, some more, some less, and conversation flowed easily with the occasional flirting in-between.

After we were finished with our food and left the restaurant, Baba asked me to come with him for one last adventure before we withdraw to our respective rooms. I gladly accepted since I didn't want this evening to end.

He led me to the rooftop of the Tres Spades. I let out a silent gasp when I discovered that Baba had even more up his sleeve. There was a bottle of champagne, two glasses and a candle placed on a low table with two cushions on the floor.

I walked towards said scene with Baba following after me. When I stood there, I didn't know what exactly to do now. Baba probably noticed my hesitation and gestured me to sit down, which I gladly did.

He poured us some of the bubbly goodness, as we clinked our glasses Baba raised his glass a little and said; "To our reunion, our successful careers and this wonderful evening I got to spend with the most beautiful woman I've ever laid eyes on."

I rolled my eyes at his last remark and took a sip. Immediately, when the liquid hit my tongue, I could tell it was something overly expensive. It still tasted so good, the sweetness and the slight bitterness made it almost prefect.

I set my glass down on the table and moved to stand up to gaze out to the view we had of Tokyo. I closed my eyes and breathed in the chilly, but still pleasant, night air while a gust of wind blew by, which made me shiver slightly. Baba noticed and shrugged off his burgundy blazer and placed it on my shoulders.

I turned my head in his direction and met his gaze; "Thank you." I whispered, "I mean not only for the jacket, but for the whole night. I truly don't know when the last time was that I let this loose and didn't constantly have to worry."  

Baba gave a small smile and put his hand in front of his mouth. If I didn't know it better, I could've sworn that I made the womanizing thief blush, but it was hard to see in the dim city lights.

"The pleasure was all mine, princess. I enjoyed myself just as much as you did, if not more. I'm very proud of who you've become, (Y/N)." He looked at me with nothing but honesty and love in his eyes. I smiled up at him and felt my eyes become a little hot.

"Thank you, nobody ever said that to me so it means a lot, especially coming from you." He looked shocked for a second but recovered fast and put his warm hand on my face to gently rub the apple of my cheek.

I felt myself become almost hypnotized by his eyes as I stared deeply into them and he did the same. I gingerly placed my hand on his chest right over his heart that was beating at an incredibly fast rate.

We inched closer and closer to each other, like magnets. Then, we stopped just a few inches apart. I saw his eyes flicker down to my lips and back to my eyes, his eyes were asking for permission which I granted him by putting my other hand in his soft hair and pulling him closer so that our lips touched.

Little did we know that this soft and loving kiss, would turn our whole world upside-down.

[elevenhoursinfront-blog]

19th April 2017

My alarm went off at 0700. I have never felt so tired in my life. I probably have, I say that every time I have to wake up early. I stayed in bed for 15 extra minutes before getting into the shower. I had to wash my hair which is an absolute nightmare. There was only one other girl getting ready at the same time as me. I feel your pain sister. Shower done, hair done, makeup done. I put my new work trousers on and a white floral shirt. I bent down to sort my bag out and I heard my trousers rip. I felt it right in the seam of my bum. I couldn't believe it - I was mortified. I ran to the toilets to check and thankfully, they hadn't made a hole, yet. The sewing had come apart. I need to lose weight. I woke Steve up at 0915 as he said he wanted breakfast. We went down and had some cereal together. I had to leave for my first interview at 0940 latest. Steve was awake and said he'd come along with me for the day. He likes to walk around new places to see what he can find so he would be fine if I was going to be a few hours. We left the hostel and got onto the Lilydale Line for two stops. The train was already there when we got on the platform so it was brilliant timing. I would've been late otherwise. We were at the cafe by 1000, my interview & trial wasn't until 1030. We walked around for a bit and sat in a different cafe. I didn't order anything because knowing me, I'd get it down my top. I left Steve and went into the cafe. I said I was here to see Sera and she introduced herself straight away. She was quite young, very energetic and made me feel really at ease. I had to trial first so I had to clear the tables, take orders and sit people down. It was really easy and the other staff were friendly too. They were very laid back which helped with my nerves. Sera kept on telling me how well I was doing throughout, too. After awhile, we sat down for the interview. She basically told me I got the job and asked whether I could go back tomorrow around 1600 to talk to the managers regarding pay, rota and how it would work. I was so excited. I walked back to find Steve in McDonald's (obviously) but he didn't order anything. He was using the free wifi. We walked around for a bit but I was stupidly hot in my outfit. Typical that my interviews would be on the hottest day this week. We got the train back to the hostel and we chilled out for a bit before my next interview. Around 1345, we left to catch the train on the Frankston line. It was 2 stops to South Yarra. It was much prettier than the last place. The last place was very quiet, hardly any people or cars. I arrived 45 minutes early for this interview so again we sat in a cafe. We ordered a baguette as we hadn't eaten yet. They were only $5, I couldn't believe how cheap they were. I left Steve at 1430. My interview was in a massive office block - level 3, suite 25. I began to get really nervous. I find the hardest part of interviews is making sure I've found the correct place on time. I walked in and there were quite a few people having interviews. Some wearing jean shorts and one brought her friend to sit with her. So strange. I had my interview with a man that was very much like my dad, except he was a massive fan on TOWIE. When I walked in and started talking, he said "OMG. YOU'RE FROM ESSEX". I started laughing and he went on a massive tangent about how much he loved TOWIE. He went on about Lydia and Arg's relationship and how Gemma gets involved... He has watched from series 1 to 18 religiously. He told me when he visits England, he's going to go Brentwood and Sugar Hut for a night out. He was brilliant. He made my day. After awhile he said that I got the job, WOOP! My Essex routes definitely did that for me... He then broke the news about it not starting for another 5 weeks! I didn't say no because who knows what will be happening in 5 weeks time but deep down I knew I would be home by then without employment. I left the interview, still with the biggest smile on my face. That man was so happy. I bet he goes home and tells his wife how he met someone from Essex. I found Steve in the barbers getting his mop cut. I'm not sure if it's the weather, but our hair, nails and bellies are growing so much quicker! We went into 7-11 to get a $1 Slurpie to celebrate. A homeless lady was in there shoplifting little bits. She was scary. She had 3-4 bags that were full of items. I accidentally got in the way of her as she tried to run out of the shop. She barged me with her bags and turned around screaming at me "YOU BITCH. YOU, YEAH YOU. NASTY LITTLE BITCH YOU". She scared the hell out of me but luckily she was running in a different direction. Steve and I got onto the train to go back to the hostel. We got in and I got out of my clothes. I love being in lounge clothes. My pyjamas are on the second I get in at home. I was tired and I had a day full of nerves so I treated myself to an hour nap. Steve's phone started ringing and it was the recruiter for the removals company. He's been invited for an interview tomorrow at 1030 so fingers crossed for that. Steve woke me up at 1700 to go down to make dinner with Megan and Dan. We sat down chatting for an hour or two before even moving. Sera, from the cafe text me to say that she basically had too much staff and cannot guarantee employment. Broken. I was so upset. Why tell me I got the job if you've employed too many people? Why lie to me? I sat there with the hump for 5 minutes until it got worse. Kat got a text from Sera after I got mine. Her text said "Hi Kat, could you come in tomorrow at 1600? I'd like to meet you and see how interested in the role you are". WHAT! WHY? You have enough staff apparently so why are you asking for more?! This woman was clearly lying and she had no idea that Kat and I knew each other. I text her back asking what was going on because someone I knew had been invited in the next day. I put the text polite and professional and she replied "Just need to get through the next week. Sorry babe". Arughhhh. My phone rang in the next 2 minutes and I answered. It was a man asking me to come in for a trial shift at 0830 tomorrow morning. I agreed to it and they text me the address. It was only a 15 minute tram ride away, just a little further in from the Queen Victoria market. They requested that I wore a black work shirt and black trousers. I had to run to Target at 1900 to buy a black shirt which was a pain in the behind. I've kept my receipts because apparently you can get the money back through your tax refund for work stuff. Fingers crossed. By the time I got back, I wasn't hungry. I couldn't be bothered to make dinner and I was just in a really poor mood. Today has been an emotional rollercoaster and I wanted to go to bed. Steve made egg, bacon and beans. We went up to bed around 2130 as my alarm was on for 0630.

[the3mmadil3mma]

January 23rd, 2017

This story begins on August 4, 1998. That was the day I was born. I was born into a loving family, the only child of my parents and the only grandchild of my grandparents. I spent my days at the center of attention. I am told that I was a very curious and social baby.

Three years later, my brother came along. We didn’t always get along, but we always loved each other.

Growing up, I was always a very happy kid. Whenever I could, I was playing with my friends or doing some sort of art project. I loved school. Yes, I was that kid that woke up ready to learn every day (I’m a nerd I know). At recess, my friends and I would play with fairies and try and escape the woodchip lava. We didn’t have a care in the world. Everyday was a new adventure that we couldn’t wait to go on.

Then cam middle school. Unlike most people, I actually really liked middle school. I didn’t care about what other people thought of me. I had the worst sense of fashion, only talked about Star Trek, and was afraid of breaking the rules, but I was still a happy kid.

I started high school with dreams of success. I wanted to get straight A’s, be valedictorian, and have a high school experience like you see in the movies. By October I had a boyfriend, great grades, and was having a blast. But this is where things started to change. I began to question my sexuality, which led to a lot of sleepless nights. By January, I had broken up with my boyfriend and had come out as a lesbian to a few close friends. February of 2013 was a hard month. I was just starting to have difficulty in my classes and I was still trying to accept the fact that I was gay. Then, one of my best friend’s dads passed away suddenly. He was my soccer coach and I had known him my entire life. He was like an uncle to me. The next few months were a rollercoaster of emotions. I started a relationship with my first girlfriend, had volleyball tournaments almost every weekend, and was very involved in band. I finished freshman year with straight A’s and plans for a great summer. I spent time with friends, went on some fun trips, and celebrated my 15th birthday. I had some of my best times that summer. 

By the time sophomore year started, I was feeling pretty good. But then, school started getting super stressful, I was busy with band and volleyball, and my girlfriend and I broke up. I didn’t know how to cope. Sophomore year was the first time I ever really had to study or work hard in school. The stress got to me. I started self-harming. I don’t really remember why I started, but once I did I couldn’t/didn’t want to stop. Some days I did it because I was sad, others because it was a pain I could control, but most days it was to feel something other than numb. My mother noticed around January of 2014 that I was feeling “down” so she sent me to my first therapist. I denied having a problem, she never even knew about my self-harm. I went in there every week and talked about nothing just so my mom would stop asking me about my feelings. I continued this pattern for a while until I had convinced my mom I was “okay”. At some point before summer I stopped self-harming because it’s really hard to hide when you’re wearing shorts. 

The summer after sophomore year was a weird summer. I felt okay most days. My depression had gotten much better. But, then I had summer PE. I had never been in love with my body, but it wasn’t until the summer of 2015 that I really started noticing. I began to get really anxious anytime I wore anything other than a t-shirt. I was unhappy with how I looked. So, I began to eat healthier. For three weeks during that summer, I was exercising nearly 8hrs a day between volleyball and PE. I don’t remember if I lost weight, but I do remember consciously thinking about what I was putting in my body and exercise for the first time. At the end of the summer every year I go to a summer camp. One thing we always have at camp is a ton of candy. I had told myself before the week started that this was going to be the last week I was going to have candy until Halloween. I had convinced myself that I was being extra healthy and that I didn’t need candy. It seems like a small thing, but this its where I began to spiral out of control.

Soon junior year started. I was still trying to eat healthy. It was harder than I thought. Going out with friends and getting junk food was just so much fun, especially after football games on Friday nights. I soon began to throw/give away parts my lunch. It started with cookies, then chips, and the my fruit. I soon stopped packing these items all together. Most days I would come to school with only a peanut butter sandwich, which I would throw in the trash as soon as I got there. Next I cut out breakfast. I would start every morning with unsweetened black tea, to give me energy. By late September I was only eating dinner every day. Soon, none of my clothes fit, I was cold all the time, and I spent every waking minute thinking about food. I would dread going out with friends. I was always anxious. I knew what I was doing. I knew it wasn’t healthy, but I couldn’t stop. I felt like I had no control over my life and so I found that control in what I put in my mouth. I lost 15lbs (10% of my body weight) in three months. This was my new form of self-harm. Sure, I hadn’t cut in 6 months, but that didn’t mean I wasn’t harming my body in other ways. And it didn’t do anything to help my depression. If anything, it made it worse. I hated everything about myself, and it showed. I was miserable. I couldn’t focus in class and I withdrew from my social life.

The holidays were the worst. Thanksgiving was a mix of anxiety and dread. I remember going on a run to “make up” for everything I was going to eat at dinner. The run was a blur and I almost passed out twice because I was pushing myself so hard. Since volleyball season was over, I had introduced over exercising into my routine. Thanksgiving night was awful. I spent a long time in the bathroom convincing myself not to throw up everything I had eaten. I was miserable and doing everything possible to hide it from my family.

Then it was finals week. I was so stressed I binged. Almost everyday I would eat so much food that my stomach felt like it was going to explode. But I managed to still get straight A’s, despite not being able to regulate my thoughts or my body temperature. Christmas was spent feeling guilty and depressed. I hated every minute of it. Then, I went to Hawaii with my family. I had to spend every meal with my family, so there was no way I could restrict. I remember constantly counting every calorie that I put in my body. I had given myself a 700 calorie a day limit. Of course I went over everyday, and that made me feel worse. While on vacation I started self-harming again. It was hard to hide because I was at the beach most days, but I managed to make it through without my mom figuring out. That was one of the worst vacations I have ever taken.

January of 2015 was a weird month. In the beginning of the month, I was determined to lose all the weight I had gained over the holidays. While dealing with that I became involved with a girl in my class. We spent almost the whole month texting and we almost stated dating. But, I realized that I was in no mindset to be in a relationship. She had her own mental health issues and in order for me to be there for her, I needed to be there for myself. So, I decided I was going to recover. On January 23rd, 2015 I broke off our friendship and began my journey in recovery. I wanted to recover for me, but I started it all for her. If I hadn’t met her, I don’t know where I’d be today. She gave me the push I needed and I will be forever grateful for that. This is the last photo I have of me before I started recovering. I look at it now and see a sick, weak, and deeply unhappy person. I never want to be her again.

I spent the first 6 weeks or so recovering by myself, without professional help. I followed a bunch of recovery accounts on Instagram, went grocery shopping for “safe” foods, and started eating more regularly. Soon, my mother noticed and confronted me about it. She asked if I wanted to see a therapist and I said yes. Starting therapy was hard for me. I’ve never been good at sharing my feelings. But just going somewhere to talk about life for an hour once a week helped. I didn’t share everything, she never even knew about my self-harm, but it definitely helped to talk thing out. I’m still in therapy today, two years later. 

Recovering from my eating disorder is one of the hardest things I have very done. I still battle with that voice inside my head everyday, telling me to restrict. Some days I’m good at blocking it out, but other days, like today for instance, I give in. I’m not done yet. I still have a long way to go, but I’m way better off than I was. My brain is still filled with the voices of depression, anxiety, and anorexia. I may have to hear them, but I don’t have to listen. Recovery is hard, but it’s not impossible. I have learned to take things one-step at a time. I have learned that not all days are going to be good days. I have learned that relapse is inevitable and a part of the process. I have learned to practice self-care/self love. 

I’m not always happy and I’m not always all right, but that’s okay. I will be on this journey my entire life, but it’s getting easier every day.

Today marks exactly two years of being in recovery. I hope by sharing my story it will show someone that they can recover too. 

To anyone that may need it:

You can recover. 

You will find happiness. 

You will learn to love yourself. 

It will be okay.