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the-penance-and-the-patience · 7 years ago

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Getting to know my compassionate self and how it’s helping my recovery

Essentially when I think to as far back as I can remember, caring too much has almost always ended badly for me. Why the fuck would I want to nurture a part of me that always ended in profoundly intense and downright uncomfortable pain?

When I was little, during those CRUCIAL and FORMATIVE years of developing a sense of self, I cared a whole lot about what my sister thought. She was older and extremely cool so this was natural for a kid. However it ended in me never wearing what I wanted, being told it was too boyish and ugly, never doing dumb kid things on holidays because she wanted to kiss boys. Her opinion was of paramount importance, she was older, she knew better, right?

Growing into pre-teen hood, I cared a whole lot about my parents wellbeing under the stress of my sister’s misbehaviour. I voluntarily suppressed and rebellion within me so they would be okay, I love my parents more than anyone in my life. I could not see them go through that twice. I helped them not worry about me by being the perfect student and daughter which at that point was very easy and natural. I didn’t realise I wasn’t listening to myself and my needs, not being compassionate to my desires.

Caring probably too much about my first boyfriend meant “seeing him for his heart made of gold”..... I.e forgoing the acts of cheating and lying thinking that it was normal and fine and he was still a beautiful person whom I loved dearly.

Caring a whole lot about teacher’s opinions in high school meant being that “tick-in-the-box” kinda student, where I managed to do everything right and succeed at school but never celebrate it in fear of coming across as too proud or too bashful. Always be humble.

However at that point, caring so so much about all of the above never got me anywhere. I didn’t know that this was because I was forgoing caring about myself at the same time... I guess I just didn’t know how. I dunno. There’s no real explaining why it happened. However, caring about my sister’s opinions made me really damn sad at that age. I didn’t know that I could still do it anyway and be fine, she was my world. Caring about my parents being okay meant not fucking up much as a kid. I didn’t realise that oh yeah, my parents actually are superhuman and probably could have dealt with my fuck ups too. Caring about my boyfriend as much as I did much meant crying days on end. I didn’t know that I could function without him, I thought no one else was capable of loving me. Caring about school so much meant I literally had no fucking social life at all.... My brain just didn’t know balance or not giving a fuck and all those back doors that get you into uni degrees. So naturally, my entire being stopped caring and gave up on me.

I can’t quite pinpoint exactly when or how this happened. But I know it was around the age of turning 18. I wanted to lose weight for me, for no one else, I thought fuck all of you. This is something I want for ME. But very quickly I realised that through caring too much about others and their opinions, meant I didn’t know how to care about myself or how to treat my body with the compassion it deserved. Losing weight became about proving a point to the people who hurt me, I didn’t know forgiveness, it became another tick in the box. So I did it and I did it well, like fucking everything else. That was until it got out of control and took a hold of me. Before I knew it I was binging and purging in the form of over-exercise and my life was spiralling out of control, it was a complete out-of-body horror-show that fucked me up real hard guys, real real hard.

I put on a stack of weight, unable to counteract the bingeing. This was when I was slapped powerfully, with undeniable vigour across the face with my inability to delineate between what people thought of me and what I thought of myself. They were inseparable and this was very very, very bad. I couldn’t leave my room. I didn’t deserve to, I thought. Everyone would see what a mess I’d become. Do I even deserve to live in this world? I’m a burden on everyone around me. Society won’t accept me like this. I am an incapable lump consumed by how I look and other people’s opinions.

I was diagnosed with my eating disorder and severe depression and that was kind of the beginning of me forcefully getting to know myself. Basically if I didn’t it was made very damn clear that I would never get out of this hole. It was either recovery or suicide to be completely honest. Luckily, there was a very teeny part of me (buried somewhere very deep and covered in layers and layers and layers of emotional walls built) that knew I had more to live for.

That brings me here, 3.5 years after being diagnosed. I’m in “recovery” sure, but fuck. It’s still a journey everyday, and a conscious decision to respect my inner-most self. To really, really listen, no matter how faint it can be sometimes. No matter how much easier it often is to pretend I’m not still hurting and to just ignore that I have needs unique to me that need to be addressed. No matter how much easier it feels to conform to what society wants me to be and do. I mean I was socialised to do this after all, just like everyone else, I didn’t know it was going to have consequences. For so many people, they get to be what society wants and it just has no consequence. They succeed at becoming the stock image. They fit the mould. They go through life with not a whole lot of turmoil and don’t have to learn these lessons. That’s just life. I don’t hold resentment toward these people anymore. It just is. But for whatever reason, I got chosen to have my own personal early life crisis and I’m no longer able to not listen to my body. I’m no longer able to ignore my needs because if I do I end up back in a hole. A dark hole where suicide becomes a deliciously sweet alternative to waking up another day.

And it’s because of all of that that I’ve come to the wholehearted opinion that this disorder is the best and worst thing that has ever happened to me.

I know who I am right now in this moment. After three years of therapy I also know that this changes every single day and that that’s completely fine. The universe has a profound plan for me and if I try and control that, I’ll end up frustrated as all hell and upset that it’s not happening the way I want. I’ll also end up unwell again. Go with the flow kids. Controlling every little thing is unsustainable. It just is.

I’ve learnt some of my passions. I’ve learnt that I will forever love expressing myself through the written word. I’ve realised a passion for education and am now pursuing a career in it. With no strict deadline or end goal, mind you, making whatever happens in the meantime much much easier to deal with. The universe has its own plan remember! I’ve also realised a love for moving my body to music that I spiritually and physically connect to. It is here that I feel pure, uninhibited elation, preferably barefoot. I can connect to the energy beneath my feet that mother earth shoots directly into my soul, I become one with the music and the movement of my body becomes unencumbered by thought. One day I hope to channel this insane love for music into learning an instrument as well, creating my own rhythms and beats, a musical manifestation of the insanity that is my mind.

As mentioned in the headline. I’ve also, above all, learnt a whole fucking lot about what a compassionate person I am, that I care. I care a lot. I care about everyone. I care about all life forms and what I’ve been through has shown me if nothing else that no person or living thing, no matter what a seemingly perfect life they might have, is indestructible. It’s opened my eyes to the reality of others’ suffering and my own. I feel pain deeply and intensely. I’m sure everyone does when they really get to know themselves, but what came with this feeling was also training myself to understand that feeling pain is not bad nor good, it’s life. It was this lesson particularly that has allowed me to be okay with caring so much. Before, when I felt pain as a reciprocation of caring so much, I wanted to fuck it right off. Now when I feel pain I acknowledge that this makes me more truthfully and unashamedly human than anything else. When I let the feeling overwhelm me as it should, I know exactly where it resides and this can be different for everyone. It conjures deep within my chest, and I have to consciously recognise and connect with this in order to let it be and do its thing. I know it will eventually subside. Truly connecting with this pain has helped me realise the capacity for empathy in ALL beings, if only we truly connect. This is an ongoing practice for me. Time and time again I want to squander this feeling with self-destructive behaviours, but I need you to hear me when I say that letting it wash over you and do what it needs is more satisfying than any coping mechanism out there.

This battle has thus shown me that no life form is better than any other life form and to progress as a race we need to understand that. We are all susceptible to pain and suffering and the more we realise this about one another, the closer we will come to finding harmony and oneness. But unfortunately on the flip side of this, I’ve also come to realise that until intense pain and suffering is realised, it is near impossible to empathise with another’s.

As mentioned, my chosen method of self-destruction is food. I would shove excessive amounts of it into my body, knowing full well how it would make me feel after. Goddamn awful. And it was always the same foods, you know the ones, they elicit that artificial high that makes you feel better for a little while, just like a drug, in order to squander pain. Or these kinds of food just make you feel bloated and generally awful. Interesting. In the process of truly getting to know myself I found ways to obtain a natural high away from food. Did I need these foods at all now I was discovering healthy coping methods? I began tentatively looking into what I was eating, taking note of how it made me feel. I would still binge, but be more observant about it. I began thinking about my new friend compassion, the compassion I have for all life forms, the compassion I was starting to feel for myself....

Then one day, it all culminated into one profound realisation. It wasn’t random. Everything I’d learnt led me there. In order to truly connect with my inner-most wants and needs and feel more established natural highs, derived from a satisfied soul, I needed to fuel my body with foods that will not inhibit such a connection. If I take an animal’s pain and suffering for example and ingest it into my body each day... Well firstly this is normal. I was socialised to eat animals. Then I learnt how addictive it is, providing my body an with an artificial high when ingested in large amounts. On my journey towards empathy and compassion this began to feel immoral, disgusting as I began to come to terms with the pain and suffering these animals go through... For the sake of human entertainment/satisfaction/taste buds. But surely some of these animals have been treated okay? That’s why I started off vegetarian. Also because of course I worried that I wouldn’t eat enough and inevitably binge. I went and saw my dietician and explained that my journey had led me here and that I wanted to make the choice but at the hands of a professional. She helped me and already I noticed a difference within a week. It was like my body was giving me a hug, acknowledging how much kinder I was suddenly being.

This went on for around three months. I was still eating dairy etc. Then came the natural progression to learning about veganism. Why did I think dairy was still ok? The more I researched the more I realised that if anything, dairy was probably the least okay. But how did I know this would not just become another obsession used to control everything? Would I end use this to lose weight? I asked myself these questions truly and deeply before coming to my decision. I had to know that this was a choice made out of compassion for all living souls, despite differing intelligences allowing some lives to exploit others. No one should have to endure excessive pain and suffering. This was why. I care. I unashamedly care about these lives, this was not about my own self-destruction and deprivation.

But look at what I’ve learnt. I can get natural highs. I don’t need that lethal combination of dairy and sugar or the ingestion of pain and suffering via animal products. I’ve learnt what an insanely truthful, soulful and spiritual connection I now have to my body that is my vessel. Now that it’s been rid of the animal products ingested and consequently their immense trauma experienced before death, I have access to a part of myself I never did before. This cannot be a coincidence.

I can’t help but feel like everything i’ve been through has led me here. I cannot stress to any eating disorder sufferers out there how much this is NOT about weight. Heck I will be a fat vegan for all I care. This is about connecting to my inner-most self in a way that nourishes my body instead of destroying it. This is about respecting the rights of all life forms to live and exist just as we do. No living vertebrae is better than any other. If our world and our human existence is to be compatible with the extraordinary wonders of the planet earth we need to exist harmoniously. The agriculture industry is LITERALLY taking over our planet, destroying our oceans. I’m not gonna get preachy about that shit but please go and educate yourself... Watch Cowspiracy, watch Earthlings, these documentaries expose the reality of our world. We need to eliminate this huge disconnect between the meat in our supermarkets/fast food chains and the beautiful animals and lives that are destroyed in order to get them there. It is the same life. Just packaged and advertised in a way that makes you forget.

This is where I’m at. I’m not perfect. But this is my choice, to honour and respect myself and every living soul as best I can through education and through knowledge. Love, compassion and understanding, please lets connect again.

#eating disorders #bulimia #bulimia nervo #teacher #educator #knowledge #roadtovegan #veganism #compassion #caring #equality #pain and suffering #animals #writing #accountability to myself #oneness #spirituality #connection

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