#rip onionpatch

[justletmeon12]

"You're not going to kill all my guys in one turn"

Brennan to Ally less than ten minutes before Emily completely ruins him

[jq37]

The Royal Report– A Crown of Candy Ep 12 Rescue at Buzzybrook

The Peppermint Knight Rises

Welcome to an extremely wild two minutes in the lives of the Rocks family and all those assembled to witness the insanity about to take place.

The gang (along w/ Cara, Manta Ray Jack, and Rina’s crew) have poofed into Buzzybrook where Liam’s dad--Joren Jawbreaker--is about to be executed. They’re able to stay relatively stealthy on their group stealth check (despite Rina’s Nat 1) and, peeking outside, the group sees Bulbian priests, Imperial soldiers, and Ceresian soldiers (like, Ciabatta’s men, not Imperials). Their flags are stationed outside of various cottages in the area (which Ruby uses Mage Hand, her rogue skills, and a grudgingly accepted help action from Rina to unlock). Rina also helps Cara with her concentration checks on the teleportation spell by casting Wall of Ice (the special ability of her staff, Winterscoop) to give her a protected area which Cara just lets happen because sure, why not? 

Just to set the scene a little more, it’s dark outside except for some lit braziers, the village has been largely burned down except for the cottages I mentioned before, and the citizens are being forced to march to the gallows to watch the execution, though Joren hasn’t been brought out yet. With all the banners of the different factions gathered together, it seems almost celebratory. They’re within the standing stones which is in what’s called a sugar hut--basically, just a kind of house built over the standing stones so they can claim it’s a Candian cultural thing and not witchcraft if Bulbian missionaries show up.

Liam and Ruby decide to check out the cottages to get a better idea of what’s going on. Liam, in his cottage, finds Oliver Onionpatch (the Bulbian Archbishop) speedily transcribing information into his book including pictures/schematics of monsters, Ceresian constructs, war engines like Lazuli was working on, and liquid daggers. It seems like Ciabatta gave Alfredi’s notes to the church and they are expanding on them. He’s being guarded by Bonathan Flashfry (fry guy from Jet’s fight). Liam casts Hunter’s Mark on Onionpatch. In her cottage, Ruby sees Grissini speaking to Spearia Mentha (Liam’s mom) who is chained up. Ruby tells Liam who tells her what he found and then Ruby fills in Theo.

While they’re working on a plan, Jawbreaker is led to the noose and they start to read his crimes. Liam casts Disguise Self to look like Onionpatch. They pull the lever and Jawbreaker begins to hang and the gang rolls for initiative!

Because of the circumstances the party gets a surprise round.

Jawbreaker succeeds on his first death save but, even if he hadn’t, he would have been in good hands because Theo Misty Steps to the gallows, and cuts him down before running for cover.

Liam, on a Nat 1, shatters the glass while trying to attack Onionpatch fully giving away his position. That single mistake out of his system, Liam once again goes full Peppermint Batman and hits Onionpatch (and, judging by his reaction, Brennan by proxy) with two more attacks--one of them being a Nat 20--for a total of *84 points of damage*. He uses his movement to hide in the next house over where he has great line of sight for another attack (and he hides with a Nat 20 plus his natural plus 10 plus Pass Without a Trace for a total of 40 which is the DC for things that are nigh impossible).

Ruby casts Jump to help with her movement and gets into position to help break Spearia out. Grissini who was snapped out of his surprise when Theo did his thing starts yelling orders to his men outside.

Reap the Whirlwind

And then it’s Saccharina’s turn.

Yeah, I know I said her full name was annoying to type out every time but she deserves to get her full name for what she’s about to do.

Rina runs through the crowd, uses her Storm Sorcerer ability to Fly (which she can do before she casts a 1st level spell or higher which is such cool flavor and good for utility as well--in this case it means she doesn’t take opportunity attacks). She casts Thunderstep at 4th level (which is like Misty Step but you can take someone with you and it does AoE damage when you poof away) and uses her Channel Divinity from her Tempest Domain Cleric levels to auto do max damage (40 or half if they save) and they also get another plus three because it’s lightning damage (she has some kind of aura that does that) *and* she uses Quicken Spell (a Sorc thing that lets you cast a spell that takes an action as a bonus action) to cast Spare the Dying on Jawbreaker as she brings him to safety. 

If Liam is Batman then Rina is Storm, for sure. 

Brennan is ruined but everyone else is *loving it*--me included. She takes out a bunch of weakling enemies even at without seeing if they save and the few (I think 4) who are left are not doing great. She hands over Jawbreaker to Amethar and has Gooey and Swifty go to Theo and help him out.     

Cumulous rushes in, finishes off two more of the injured guards, and dives into the hole under the gallows for cover. 

Amethar starts herding the civilians into the sugar hut so they can all escape together, tells Jack to help start cleaning up these soldiers, and goes to work himself, going into a rage and killing two Ceresians. Jack kills one too and the citizens start running to safety.

Theo sees that the house he’s hiding behind is full of sick ass weapons so he kills the single guard and Gooey and Swifty (Swifty very gleefully) help him with some looting. 

Grissini leaves his cottage to order around his men which Ruby is very happy about as it makes the sneaking she’s about to do a lot easier.

Back in John Wick, staring Liam Wilhelmina, he does another 23 points of damage to Onionpatch and yells at him in Bulbosi (while disguised as him mind you), “You have made a big mistake.”

Ruby springs Spearia and casts Invisibility on her so she can safely make her way to the others. 

Grissini whistles and a soldier lights a signal fire. Some bread guys crowd Amethar but he doesn’t take much damage and actually kills one with a Riposte reaction--one of Jet’s old tricks. 

Saccharina--I gotta give her her full name again--clocks a very convenient straight line of enemies and casts Lightning Bolt at 4th Level (using another Sorc trick, Empower Spell, to reroll her low damage dice) for 39 damage + 3 for her aura. Even without rolling saves for half damage, this fully kills everyone but Grissini who is badly injured. And just to make things worse, she uses Grissini to conduct the lightning and has it set his banner on fire. 

Cumulous whiffs a couple of attacks, jumps on a roof and then (along with Liam) fails a Perception check, which is always fun as a player.

Amethar runs over to Grissini, attacks of opportunity be damned, and says, “Do you remember my daughter?” Grissini who has just been electrocuted, is a little out of it but Amethar says that Jet might be dead but he just met his new daughter (except, in the heat of the moment, he says it less coherently) and attacks him. Rina (or really Emily who knows exactly what she is doing) calls it a daddy-daughter special. Grissini is F’d up but not near death.

But speaking of people who are near death, Onionpatch yells, “Bulb protect me!” in Liam’s general direction, causing the house he’s in to catch on fire. Liam takes 18 points of fire damage.

Jack kills another baddie and the rest of the civilians run into the sugar hut.

Mom Said We’re Leaving! 

And then, suddenly, these huge, terrifying, bread constructs arrive on the scene (along with a giant corn monster that everyone immediately insists is cute because Brennan will never win this one and should really stop trying unless he’s a fan of futility). Amethar takes some hits and then has to make Con Saving throws. He fails one of them which reduces his HP max by the damage of the first hit he took from this thing (4 pts). One goes for Rina but she Shields and takes nothing. One goes for Jack (doesn’t hit) and one goes for the Standing Stones. Theo casts Compelled Duel on one of the constructs to draw fire but can’t hit (2 Nat 1s in a row!)  

Grissini does a bunch of damage to Amethar and then grants an attack to the nearest bread monster who crits on Rina for 31 points of damage, bringing her down to 18, but she passes her Con saving throw (she only has to do one for some reason).

Liam busts into the house with Onionpatch and demands to know who’s in the military tent with a Nat 20 Intimidation check. Onionpatch, who’s basically pissing himself, says that it’s Kerradin’s tent but he’s not in there at the moment because he’s tracking down escaped prisoners. Onionpatch blubbers that all the different factions are there on behalf of the Pontifex and are in talks with Plumbeline to create a new Concord. There are tons of letters and maps and information in the tent and he can tell them everything. Guess what idiot? You already did. Liam ices him with another Nat 20 and takes his book. As he does so, he basically speedruns the entire rest of puberty and sheds his teenage awkwardness (I mean, allegedly. I’ll believe it if he can talk to Annabelle without getting slapped). The pages that have ripped from the book are effortlessly placed back in with shadow magic. He also fires an arrow at Bonathan as he exits because why not? He lets Ruby know about the info in the tent so, on her turn she sends Spearia away, and goes for it.

Cara basically yells at everyone and they have one round to get into the car because the meter’s about to run out and she’s gotta go. 

Ruby takes 34 points of damage from archers. Rina gets Amethar to safety with Fly plus another Thunderstep and sends Swifty to help Ruby if necessary. Cumulous gets to safety as well (killing one more guy for the road). The constructs try to crack the standing stones but fail.

Amether, channeling Jet yet again, does some Maneuvering Attacks to give Ruby some instant movement to get into the tent and grab the map with all the Imperial/Ceresian military troop movement info and start to run back. Jack gets to safety.  

The constructs try and fail to crack the stones again. One of them attacks Theo for 45 points of damage and then he fails one of his saves, dropping his HP max by 30. Theo holds his turn until Liam and Ruby make it to safety. Gooey and Swifty make it in. 

Kerradin suddenly shows up and Liam has to summon all of his self control to not go after him. He instead taunts him by showing him the book he got from Onionpatch, and (taking damage as he does so) slides into the sugar hut. His mom, invisible, places a hand on his cheek and says, “Oh no. They took my sweet baby and made him a war guy.” 

Grissini Nat 20’s to attack on Amethar but Theo takes the 38 points of damage which drops him dangerously low for Theo standards (like low 20s or the teens). Theo runs in. One of the archers Nat 20 on Ruby who’s hit for 4 points after she Uncanny Dodges (she’s at 21).

Like Liam, Ruby very reluctantly does the smart thing and, instead of going for Grissini so she can get at least one kill this fight, dives into the hut. Cara let’s the spell go off right as Grisini tells the constructs to charge and Jawbreaker regains consciousness, looking proudly into the face of his son, Preston. No wait, that’s not right. 

Medal of Honor

EMILY AXFORD LET’S GOOOOOO

Saccharina really said, “First impressions? Don’t know her. SECOND impressions are where it’s at.” Like, dare I say, instant legend? First fight of the game and she instantly fulfills the win condition, frying a bunch of dudes just, incidentally (but w/ surgical precision from an out of game point of view with all that deft use of action economy and sorcerer mojo). What and ENTRANCE. And then that Lightning? Brennan said it best on Adventuring Party. If you saw her do that, you would have no choice but to follow her.

But honestly, she lowkey deserves a medal just for joining the party with two levels of cleric. That alone is damn near heroic at this point. 

I can’t believe Brennan let *Emily Axford* have spell cards in his gritty, low magic setting. My guy really served himself his own dice. Bon Appetit dude and, again, welcome back Emily! 

Things I’m Concerned About

I mean, I can’t say that I’m surprised about the collusion going on but I don’t love it. I really hope the group gets to talk to Plumbeline again before the end of this. Just to see what she has to say to Amethar and visa-versa. It was an interesting dynamic before she decided to turn traitor and it’s even more interesting now. 

Since when can Bulbian priests do magic? Miracle working is supposed to be super rare, right? Like the Pontifex could heal herself but that was the only thing we knew of that was real Bulb magic (along with Citrina’s book I guess but she’s dead). But Onionpatch used magic against Liam and a different priest did some abjuration on Theo. Are they using Bulbian magic or faking like Lapin was? Or is this something new?

Really don’t love that those bread constructs were making people roll Con Saves. I instantly thought it was a water dagger thing (since they did have those plans too) but then he said 2 saves and not 3. Not sure what the other save was since I think we only saw the “drop max HP” effect. And I don’t know why Rina only had to roll 1 and not 2. Either way, I hope Liam stealing that book at least slowed them down because this is Bad Info for them to have.  

Five More Things

Just so you know, Rina’s build is 6 levels Storm Sorc, 2 levels Tempest Domain Cleric.

The dynamic of Swifty and Theo is low-key the funniest thing. I want them to team up always. Also funny was Brennan’s straight-faced “Correct” to being asked if what Onionpatch just saw was himself pull a crossbow on him.

Listen, I need to know if Grissini has enough information to know that he’s working for the bad guys. Like, if he has the information and he chooses to be complacent then cool kill him, that’s fine. I’ve seen The Sound of Music and we all hate Rolf. But I gotta know. What are the odds that Amethar invoking Jet will pay dividends later? (Again, it did not work in The Sound of Music. And now I kinda wanna watch Sound of Music). 

Grissini knows Jet is dead. Has the news fully spread? Does Primsy know? If so, sad! If not, even sadder but on a time delayed fuse!

I already mentioned this earlier and when the episode aired but the absolute DUNKING of Brennan this episode by Emily and Ally. Man oh man the LOOK on the dude’s face? The glee from everyone else? All those dice Ally rolled? All the people Emily iced without even having to roll dice? The gang sorely needed a win and, folks, this was it.

AN ANNOUNCEMENT! 

Listen, we all know Wednesdays are for D20. And, for a lot of y’all, I’m sure Thursdays are for CritRole and/or Naddpod. But what are you doing Tuesdays (or at least every other Tuesday)? Well, I’m gonna tell you what. @drinkingdeadpeopletea (who you’ve probably seen around as she’s active in all three of the aforementioned fandoms) is launching a D&D podcast called Ship of Fools and it drops TOMORROW with a two episode premiere. It’s D&D! It’s nautical! And it’s being DM’d by her so I can confidently say that it’s gonna be hilarious and a super fun time! So if you want even more D&D in your life (rhetorical question, all of us do) check it out!