#riddle me that weirdo

[fandomchokehold]

“idk to me Gale is straight” oh really than why is my male tav using his big penis to rearrange the wizard’s guts every other night?

[kiisaes]

SURE LOL making this its own post so I don't bother op with how genuinely annoying I am

"what's your educated take on bakugou" (this is the primary litmus test. if you have a dogshit opinion about him I am terminating the conversation effective immediately)

"what do you ship in this series, if you ship at all, using strictly the text with no fandom interference" (testing to see if you can separate canon from fanon, because fanon has severely warped many's perception of canon. I think most, if not all, big ships in this series were sabotaged by the fandom - either by misinterpreting the characters in the ships or artificially inflating/deflating their importance to the story)

"what are some general themes and takeaways of this narrative"

@bakugous-broken-toothbrush

[lemontartyellow]

“Detective Bullock, do you give up?” I’m bawling my eyes out 😭.

[cerealmonster15]

Riddle says some of the goofiest shit in the game and then he’s baffled when azul laughs at him

[ccaptain]

Attempting to kiss H:SR Kaeya with tongue right off the bat will make him pull away with a confused frown to assess what the fuck just happened, place two fingers on his partner's lips and tell them in a somewhat stern tone ''don't be weird''. Then, with the same concerned frown, gently place a finger under their chin to close their mouth.

He will resume kissing them, then. Just lips on lips action, much more comfortable.

[dullahandyke]

it's amazing what being technologically proficient does for your place in a family. mam just called me wanting me to make her business cards complete with an original logo. ?? i mean ill DO IT like but christ

[mossbabie]

🏊

[a-sad-secret-death]

so my cousin texted me 'we're safe oregon lost' with no context and i was like what the fuck are you talking about wdym oregon lost what does that have to do with anything? And now he's going on about the rose bowl game of 2020 and time loops and how this year is going to be really good?

None of us are american?? and none of us knows jack shit about college football? except one of my cousins apparently?

[solelyseeking]

AITA for trying to bag the new kid at my school? PART 3.

Due to the continued lack of progress, I am back, seeking help from the vagrant scum of this subreddit.

Dear basement dwellers and unwashed perverts: If even I, Tom Riddle, cannot get a date, then there truly is no hope for the rest of you.

Time to freshen up your cleaning charms and “lock in”.

For those of you whining about how I ought to just ‘approach him like a normal person’- I am not a normal person. I am a God, baptized in the blood of my enemies. Stop giving me meaningless platitudes, and start helping me smell his hair!

His little sycophant has been following him around everywhere, which has only made approaching him harder. Orion calls himself Harry’s ‘best friend’, but everyone knows Harry only hangs out with him because he feels so sorry for him. (Generations of inbreeding made one ugly baby lol!)

Harry’s very charitable like that. All the more reason to indoctrinate him into my cult, but he’s being weirdly stubborn about the whole thing?

“I don’t wanna learn dark magic, Tom.”

“I don’t believe in blood surpremacy, Tom.”

“Stop trying to take me into your murder dungeon, Tom.”

Isn’t that ridiculous? Anyone with half a brain would love to be invited into my murder dungeon the esteemed chamber built by my lineage!

Harry is very lucky to have so many muscles, as no one expects much brilliance from him. Still, I know he’s cleverer than he lets on. Just the other day, he noticed me cursing Grace Bell for lingering too long outside of the Quidditch changing rooms.

I was just looking out for him. And clearly I was right to do so, since I caught her creeping around while I was waiting for him to emerge, shirtless and damp, from his post game shower. Imagine the kind of obsessed weirdos he’d have to deal with if I wasn’t there to curse them all!

Still, other people would have been totally fooled- but not Harry. He gets me.

Clearly, he’s paying a lot of attention to me, so how can I capitalize on that? I tried spilling a bit of my potion on him in class the other day, so I could remove my shirt sensually and dry the liquid off of him. Only, then he started shouting at me about how I “wasn’t going to get away with this like I did with Myrtle.”

See- another example of how well he knows me! (That’s a girl I killed near my murder dungeon lol)

As you can see, this is a dire situation. Hurry up and provide me with some useful information before he kisses the incest baby.

Harry is very handsome, and I cannot afford to waste time. I have enclosed a photograph of him so that you wastes of genetic material understand the stakes.

[Harry_Potter_Riddle.Jpeg]

suziehiggins: oh, i get it. that guy is adorable

| OP: Stay away from my man, Susan.

Orion.Black: @harryjamespotterr

| OP: You will rue this day, you incestuous hellspawn.

harryjamespotter: Tom, is this some kind of prank?

| OP: Who is Tom I’ve never heard that name in my life.

| harryjamespotter: you literally posted a picture of yourself in the last update…

| ed_hardy: It’s okay, he was just catfishing

| OP: NO I WAS NOT

goonermachine: did you doodle Tom + Harry = Soulmates all over his picture?

| OP: I know you have eyes so I don’t see why you’re asking me such a stupid question. Yes

[raven-at-the-writing-desk]

I really want to know why Idia doesn’t think he looks good. I understand thinking you’re not exactly a model, but he’s at least cool looking. He’s mostly grown up with other scientists(they so far haven’t shown other kids in the isles of woe) so I don’t think the adults in his life would say something. The only thing I can think of is when his family would have to go to family gatherings with his extended family in the Olympus Corp and he was picked on by his cousins. Would love more backstories on that!

[Referencing this post!]

I think "cool looking" might be an opinion we have as onlookers completely removed from Twisted Wonderland. What looks like a nice design to the players is different than what looks nice to someone existing in the same world as that character. In-universe, Idia's particular set of physical traits don't seem to be perceived as "cool" at all. Several of his classmates are baffled that the Ghost Bride sees Idia as the perfect prince", and although some of this shock is definitely based on his character ("... [he] never leaves his room [...]"), it's also in part based on his looks. For example, Grim says, "He's all slouchy [...] he's got that apathetic look goin' on, not to mention his creepy smile..." Riddle also accuses Ace of giving "back-handed compliments" when Ace says Idia looks cool, which implies that Riddle and Ace's usual opinion of Idia's looks is that he looks... uncool. Eliza's retainers confess that they were "skeptical" when she brought Idia in and claimed he was her perfect partner; they didn't see his true handsomeness until after they dressed him up in a suit. Our own NRC boys don't even realize Idia's true beauty until the very end of Idia's Suitor Suit vignettes, praising him for how he wears his suit, his height, "bewitching" eyes, his mature and aloof vibe, and his "surprisingly decent" features. Just looking cool overall! "I was shocked when I say you," Riddle confesses. "It's so radically different from your usual look."

There's also the matter of framing to consider. The same stimuli can be perceived wildly differently by different individuals. What Eliza sees as "nonchalant" is Idia being apathetic. What Eliza sees as "healthy, lustrous skin" is the result of Idia's pale skin on account of never seeing the sun. What Eliza sees as "a charming smile" can also be perceived as "creepy" by others. What Eliza sees as "bright, shimmering hair" is true on a technicality, seeing as Idia's hair is literally aflame. What Eliza sees as "arresting lips" is Idia's natural but admittedly very odd lip color. Crowley describes this discrepancy as "an admittedly liberal interpretation". Our local weirdo Rook also reframes Idia's gloomy demeanor as "a certain lonesome beauty", which is "lovely in its own right".

I believe that a lot of Idia's lack of confidence in his appearance stems from the curse his family is burdened with. It's implied that many of Idia's physical traits (the flames for hair, the blue lips, the sharp teeth, etc.) are the result of said curse. These are all visual indicators branding the Shroud bloodline as traitors, even if the current Shrouds have nothing to do with the rebellion their ancestors incited. Thus, those physical traits are associated with shame, humiliation, and failure. Knowing his family's history and how that ties him to the Underworld and S.T.Y.X. forever, surely Idia must have felt self-conscious about it. He wouldn't want attention drawn to himself if he was ashamed of his looks--looks which are closely associated with the Shrouds' fall from grace. Indeed, there are several lines of dialogue in which Idia connects being anxious about how he physically presents himself with pessimism about his future or with relevant imaginary verbal jabs by his peers:

"Everyone's gonna auto-lock on me as soon as I go in! And then they'll switch to private whisper chat! They'll be all like: 'Who's that?' 'Is his hair on fire?' 'That's that cursed Shroud guy.' 'He's gonna pass on all his bad luck' Or maybe they'll say, 'Ewww! He's blue all over! Gross!' and start poking me with a stick! Nooo! Help meee!" (Idia's Ceremonial Robes vignettes)

"I know I'm not fit to stand in front of people in fancy places wearing fancy clothes! Never was! [...] No matter how hard I grind, I'm locked into the evil route with every bad ending ever and there's nothing I can do about it!" (Idia's Suitor Suit vignettes)

"If people see me in a tux like this... They'll have a field day! 'A wedding tux? More like a tokusatsu villain, ROFL.' 'What is this, a cosplay convention?' Only cool guys can pull off flashy vintage getups. Otherwise it's a fashion disaster waiting to happen. You know, like when you see a cool outfit online and buy it, only to realize it was just the model who looked swank." (Idia's Suitor Suit vignettes)

"Yeah, right. You're just saying that to be polite. Let's be real here. You're laughing at me on the inside. You're going, 'Who does this slouching, baggy-eyed loser think he is, dressing like royalty?' (Idia's Suitor Suit vignettes)

"AUGH, I'm like the monster in some tragic tale! A hidden boss just minding my own business, chilling in my cave, until I get driven out and flee into town, where all the people fear me... I'm just not cut out to be the center of attention. *sigh*" {Idia's Suitor Suit vignettes)

Notably, Idia remarks that he doesn't want to be compared to a "cool, sleek, sparkly" crew. He is constantly comparing himself to others, and especially in his Suitor Suit card. Idia laments that he's not gallant and heroic like his rescue squad (Ace, Riddle, Epel, and Rook), and he's not handsome like Vil, Leona, and Malleus. It seems that his idea of what is "cool" is defined by a combination of action and aura/presence, of which he believes he has neither. He prefers to stay cooped up in his room and is too meek to speak to people face-to-face; in his eyes, he's kind of pathetic and he's content with that. He's not willing to see himself as anything more due to his own underlying insecurities.

It's implied that Idia was primarily raised within S.T.Y.X. HQ or the Isle of Woe and rarely left (as he had to hack their security system to sneak out). It seems like they have their own community or city there, so it's possible that there are other children but we just don't see them due to lack of relevance. There's nothing to suggest there wouldn't be kids there. However, I doubt Idia really interacted with them if there were any kids his age; he'd be too busy being groomed to take over as the next director. Idia also harbors hopeless views on forming friendships, so I don't think he'd be reaching out to others to play. And when he's spending so much of his time studying and working with scientists primarily focused on their work, I doubt any of those adults care to comment on his looks. It's just not a thing that comes up in discussion. Alternatively, maybe the adults are used to it because they're all aware of the Shroud curse and they just dance around the topic so as to not make Idia feel uncomfortable.

Side note: I wonder if any shame Idia feels about his appearance is learned from his dad (and mom)??? Mr. Shroud is also super negative and literally wears a helmet to conceal his face (although we do not know the reason as to why he wears it). Mrs. Shroud also wears a helmet, even though she married into the Shroud family and technically lacks their cursed blood. Maybe young Idia saw his parents in those helmets and internalized it? Members of the Shroud family are cursed; you shouldn't look at them. That kind of thinking, perhaps.

I do think it’s possible that those in Idia’s extended family aren’t as kind about the Shrouds, be it for their looks or for their legacy. (They don’t exactly do glamorous work 💦) Unfortunately, we don’t know a lot about the Jupiters other than I guess they must still find the Shrouds’ abilities useful since they still extended an internship offer to him? I’d love to know more about the rest of Idia’s family though. Been really curious about how they’d feel about Idia literally playing God and reviving his dead brother too!

[messywhore]

I’ve gotten into the marauders recently and whenever I encounter guilt about interacting with hp fandom despite jkr being a terf im always a little surprised by how little guilt I feel even tho I hate that woman.

And then I remember that for years my only interaction with hp was through tomarry…which is in a way the truest and most complete bastardisation of the hp ip. I love bottom voldemort. At this point hp is a friend I went hiking with and then cannibalised when we got lost in the woods. I’m bringing zero positive attention to hp when I go on tumblr and say ‘Twinkie tom riddle getting RAILED by Harry Potter and then getting mpregnant’. I am bringing the attention of freaks and weirdos. Jkr would shoot me dead if she could

[cloudcountry]

hold on hold on i just came to the realization that fish do not sneeze.

imagine how BAMBOOZLED the octatrio would be when they hear you sneeze for the first time??? like human what was that. did you just eject a lung? are you okay??

azul would be immediately concerned, giving you the weirdest look. he hesitantly asks if you're okay, because you seem fine, but you just made the strangest noise he's ever heard and oh, is this a weird land dweller way of showing your affection? because you were pretty cute when you did that. oh, it's not...? well, now he's embarrassed!

jade is fascinated. don't let him find out about that sneezing power or pepper or ANY of that shit. he WILL use it against you. your sneezes are like little treats to this weirdo. he'll even become inclined to test those things on himself, to see just what sneezing feels like. he's genuinely surprised when it isn't painful? and that the face you make in instinctual? land dwellers are so fascinating.

floyd locks onto you. doesn't matter if he was in a mopey mood or pissing off riddle again, his eyes are wide and his pupils are dilated and he's staring at you. it doesn't matter if your sneeze is loud or quiet, he thinks it's so strange and so cute. hey, little shrimpy! what the hell was that and why did it sound so weird?

LIKE....THESE GUYS HAVE GILLS. THEY HAVEN'T HEARD A SINGLE PERSON SNEEZE UNTIL THEY CAME TO THE SURFACE. bc yk, sneezing requires lungs and nasal passages AND MERPEOPLE DONT HAVE THOSE UNLESS THEY TOOK THAT POTION TO BECOME HUMAN AND IM CRYING.

octatrio finds out what sneezing is real!!

i feel like i need to clarify that i know what sneezing is HELP ME@$@$$@$@?@!#?@!!@!# i just thought it would be a funny post i assure you guys i know people sneeze and that they probably would have been taught about it. this set of headcanons is not supposed to be taken as something that happened in canon, i just wrote it because I thought it would be goofy!!

[sanyu-thewitch05]

F! Yuu’s Dad in Twst Wonderland Headcanons pt. 2

Pt.1 Pt.3 Pt.4

Heartslabyul, Octavinelle, Scarabia, and Pomefiore are genuinely the only dorms that respect your dad.

Savannaclaw keeps trying to fight him with the exception of Jack, Ruggie, and Leona.

Ignihyde fears your father. Mainly because your father thinks Idia is some form of a perverted weirdo.

🦀: Yuu, that weird boy is looking at you and your cat again.

🎮: Please let me touch your cat…

🦀:….I’m going to give you five minutes to get away from us.

Meanwhile, Diasomnia, is still amused your dad tried to beat up Malleus.

The core emotions and feelings of Diasomnia towards Yuu’s dad is the following:

Malleus: Amused and now takes gaining any sort of relationship with you as a challenge

Silver: A bit wary of your dad but still gets why he’s so protective over you

Sebek: Wants to beat him up for threatening Malleus and thinks he can win

Lilia: As a father he understands and is probably going to tell Malleus not to purposefully irritate your father for his own good.

After witnessing Riddle’s overblot, your father is convinced on staying at the Isle Sage’s hotel

Or maybe trying RSA

Whatever option comes first.

In fact, he actually tried to bolt out of NRC after the Savannaclaw overblot.

🦀: Yuu! Yuu! Yuu, listen to me! These kids are not right in the head. A hyena furry boy was using magic to control people’s bodies so they fall down the stairs. For a school tournament! And the lion furry man, BY THE WAY, he is 20! He tried to turn everyone into sand!

🦐: Dad, please, they’re my friends and I give them comfort. Plus Riddle and Leona were having a mental health crisis.

🦀: These kids are serial killers or murders in the making! We should’ve ran when we found out they worshipped Disney villains!

You end up running out of NRC with your father with Grim, and by the time morning came, someone has already found you.

♥️: Yo. I heard Yuu was staying here now.

🦀: How did you find us?

♥️: Um…I had a bit of help…more like magic spell really.

Deuce, Epel, Jack, Silver, and Sebek step out from behind Ace.

🦀: *Sigh* Look, I get we teleported into your school, but we really don’t need to stay there-

🦐: Dad, can’t I attend school there until we go home? It’s perfect.

🦀: They literally don’t even have a girls bathroom for you to use.

🦐: Doesn’t matter. I can use the bathroom when no one is in there.

Then things heat up when Malleus appears.

🐉: There you are, Child of Man. I’ve been looking for you everywhere.

🦀: Let me guess, you didn’t see her inside her room when you floated by? Like you usually do when you think no one notices?

🐉: Child of Man, would you like to go to my gargoyles club meeting? It’s really only me, but together we can bring more people.

🦀: That is the worst lie for a date I’ve ever heard. Also, her name is Yuu not Child of Man. And this Man is named F/N. Besides, we still don’t know your actually name Hornyton.

The mocking of the nickname Yuu picked out for him causes him to get upset. Which inadvertently activated the fairy tale fae behavior.

🐉: You know, a name is a very important thing to give away. If I give my name to you, you must give something to me.

🦀: You realize I can just break into Crowley’s office and get your school records or just ask anyone what your name is, right?

🐉: Perhaps, your daughter might be something of equal value to give. My name for a girl with an otherworldly name. I assure you I’ll treat her well if you give her to-

Your dad punches Malleus square in the nose and KOs him.

⚡️: WAKA-SAMA!

❤️&♠️: Damn.

🗡️: I told him not to make being in a relationship with Yuu a challenge.

🍎: Nice right hook.

🐺: What good form.

Your dad shuts the door, and packs up your stuff again.

You move back into Ramshackle the next day, but this time there’s iron hanging around the doors and windows.

[yuurei20]

Prefect Dialogue Options in Twisted Wonderland: Book 1 (pt2)

Option 1: Are you...smelling me?! Leona: Huh. It's true. You don't smell of magic at all. Well, can't say it'd be much fun to hurt someone so helpless. Still gonna do it, though.

Option 2: I assure you, I bathe every day! n/a

Option 1: How can you live by such foolish rules? n/a

Option 2: How can you be so mean after he worked so hard? Ace: Yeah! All you do is cite one stupid rule after another! You sound totally foolish!

Option 1: Yet another weirdo... Chenya: You think so? I'd say by the standards here, I'm no more mad than anyone else.

Option 2: What dorm are you from? Chenya: Why don't you try to guess? Grim: Oh, I know! He's got animal ears, so he's gotta be from...uh...Bananaclaw, was it? Chenya: Bzzzzzt! Incorrect. Bananas grow on trees, do they not? I, on the other hand, am a cat. Deuce: And besides, other dorms have students with animal ears, too.

Option 1: I'm sorry, Headmage. Crowley: Well, at least you know better now. Incidentally, what are you all discussing with such grim faces?

Option 2: What are you doing here, Headmage? Crowley: I'm researching methods to send you back home. Precisely as I promised I would. Oh, but I AM gracious! And the library is, of course, an ideal place for serious research. It's not as if I came here just to secure the newest book in that popular series of novels. No, certainly not. *Ahem* Incidentally, what are you all discussing with such grim faces?

Option 1: We need to come up with some sort of plan. Ace: For sure. Anyone got any good ideas?

Option 2: Is this really a good idea? Ace: Don't get all worked up on me now. All we need's a plan. Anyone got one?

Option 1: But that's not right! Riddle: I am the one who decides what is wrong and right! What sort of pitiful education have you received, that you cannot follow such simple rules?

Option 2: You can't just use rules to do whatever you please! Riddle: If there were no penalties, no one would follow the rules. I have to wonder what sort of pitiful education left you unable to comprehend so simple a concept.

[pomefioredove]

who they fall for, heartslabyul

I did a longer one of these for rook and now I can't get the idea out of my head, so... series! (part 1/8)

summary: soulmates type of post: blurbs characters: deuce, ace, cater, trey, riddle additional info: romantic, not proofread so maybe ooc, gender neutral partner, really just thoughts

𝐃𝐞𝐮𝐜𝐞 𝐒𝐩𝐚𝐝𝐞

trope: dorks in love

Deuce ends up with someone who, most of all, challenges him. they put him at ease, and there's a definite shared gentleness between the two, but it's his partner's subtle rebellious streak that wins him over (though they definitely know when to tone it down). puppy love that turns into something deeper. they accept him as he is, flaws and all, and they support him in his growth towards becoming a better person. fiercely loyal. they and Deuce would constantly be fighting to be the "chivalrous" one. taking turns telling the waiter the other asked for no pickles, running to hold doors open, etc. it's cute, but a little competitive, just enough to motivate him.

𝐀𝐜𝐞 𝐓𝐫𝐚𝐩𝐩𝐨𝐥𝐚

trope: tsundere

his soulmate? someone who can take a joke. no, no, I'm kidding, but they would have a wicked sense of humor, one that compliments his perfectly. and an adorable laugh, of course, snorts and all. someone who can feed his ego without overdoing it, keeping him wrapped around their little finger (trust me, he loves it). a little mutual teasing never hurt anyone, right? at the same time, though, they'd be completely devoted, loyal, and loving, just like he is. he brags about being a ladies man, though, really, he's almost completely closed off when it comes to matters of the heart. it takes a lot of patience (and a lot of putting up with his shenanigans) before those walls start coming down to reveal the romantic hidden behind them.

𝐂𝐚𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐃𝐢𝐚𝐦𝐨𝐧𝐝

trope: slowburn

similar to friends to lovers, but of a different flavor. Cater is subtly flirty with almost everyone, it's the people-pleasing, but a soulmate? yeah, he'll believe it when he sees it! of course, he's completely blind to what he's needed all along being right in front of him. someone who listens to him, who cares deeply about his feelings, who can read his body language and know just what he's thinking. someone he feels comfortable around without feeling the need to hide himself. a bestie, if you will. he's absolutely the first to catch feelings and drives himself mad about it, not daring to make a move out of a fear of vulnerability (or being a weirdo, take your pick) and it devolves into months, years worth of cringe pining. "looking at the pictures they'd taken together and giggling" pining.

𝐓𝐫𝐞𝐲 𝐂𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞𝐫

trope: weirdos in love

thought it was gonna be domestic bliss? nope. I'm saving that one. Trey isn't quite ready to settle down yet, having spent his whole life taking care of others (to the point where he hasn't had a moment to figure out who he is...) and so he's put a hold on the whole "romance" thing. of course, the last thing he was expecting after graduation was to bump into someone that would throw that plan out the window. truly, his soulmate is someone he feels he can be himself with, who gives him the ability to relax and be the one who gets pampered, for once... it's a very equal and loving relationship with a like-minded and responsible person. one who goes along with all his bits, too.

𝐑𝐢𝐝𝐝𝐥𝐞 𝐑𝐨𝐬𝐞𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐭𝐬

trope: opposites attract

oof the ouch. no, Riddle is not ready for the ups and downs of a relationship, and he knows that. he's always chalked up his disinterest in romance to his studies, and his utter disinterest in taking anyone home to meet his mother's highly specific future-in-law criteria. though, secretly, Riddle has held onto his own little list of "perfect" traits, almost going as far to fantasize about an imaginary partner to keep him company. the person he does end up falling for makes that list null and void. they're daring, adventurous, creative, curious, open to all sorts of nonsensical ideas that challenge all of Riddle's. they represent a sort of freedom that he's never had, and before he can even hate them, he finds himself falling. but someone like that could never tie themselves down to someone like him... right?

[hp-hcs]

ngl i’d lose my mind for some bottom mattheo x male reader content, there isn’t enough 🤧

(is there any at all just asking for a friend)

• smut • “best friends”, my ass (and your ass too, while we’re at it) — best friend! submissive! bottom! mattheo riddle x AMAB! soft top! reader

stuck in the hospital for the foreseeable future, so have some more shitty fanfic, my lil gayass weirdos

i’m also really fuckin high on pain meds rn so this is undoubtedly gonna be the most shameless fuckin smut i’ve ever written yw ig

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

“Would you fuck me?”

Your head shot up to stare at Mattheo with comically wide eyes as he burst into your dorm room and shut the door behind him.

You managed to splutter out a very caught-off-guard, “I- what?”

“Would you fuck me, Y/n? Pretty please, with a condom on top?”

You just stared at him, mouth agape in shock. Finally finding your voice after a painfully long moment, you asked, “Are you high?”

Mattheo rolled his eyes. “Entirely sober, I assure you.”

“Then- then why are you…?”

He sighed dramatically and trudged over to your bed, falling face down onto it. “Please?”

“That’s not really a reason, Riddle.”

“Fine! Fine. I want to lose my bottom virginity, alright?”

“I swear to Merlin-” you sigh, pinching the bridge of your nose. “Why me? You can literally just breathe and have people throw themselves at you. So why me?”

“Well…I want to- I wanna try being, like…submissive,” he mumbled, obviously embarrassed. “An’- an’ I trust you t’ take care of me ‘n be gentle an’ shit.”

“Damn, alright. Yeah…” you trailed off. “Shit, I mean, I’m flattered, really. Uh, yeah- yeah, I’ll do it.”

He visibly perked up. “Wait- really? You’d really do that for me?”

“Yeah,” you shrugged. “What else’re friends for?”

“Oh, so we’re still on the whole ‘best friends’ bullshit, huh?” He snickered.

“I’m already regretting this,” you sighed, actively choosing to ignore what he said. “This is a terrible idea.”

~~~

“This was a brilliant fuckin’ idea,” you gasped as you sank into him, moaning at the sensation. He was so tight and warm around you that you had to pause for a second just to catch your breath.

Mattheo whimpered underneath you, his face screwed up in mild discomfort. You gently stroked his side, pressing tiny kisses to his cheeks and murmuring, “Oh- you’re doing so good, sweetheart. So, so good. Y’feel amazing.”

Mattheo whimpered again, his fingers tightening their grip on your shoulders.

You let out a shaky breath, trying not to lose your composure. “Baby- baby, please- can I move?”

“Gimme- g-gimme a sec?” He whispered, his voice wavering.

“O-of course, honey,” you murmur back, trying to stay as still as possible for his sake. “Take as long as you need.”

After a moment of listening to his shaky breaths slowly even out, you eventually heard a softly whispered, “Okay, you can move.”

At his permission, you slowly started to move in and out. You groaned into his neck. “Merlin- you feel incredible, baby.”

Mattheo gasped when you hit a certain spot with a particularly hard thrust. “Fuck! There- do that again!”

You complied with his request, increasing the strength behind each movement until Mattheo was a whimpering, moaning mess beneath you. He cried out your name as he quickly came, his fingers scrabbling for hold on your shoulders and his nails digging into the skin.

You moaned loudly as he tightened around you, your stomach flip-flopping at the intensity of the sensation. You made a move to pull out, but Mattheo quickly tightened his shaking legs around your hips, tugging you back in.

“Please, no,” he begged. “Need- need- please!”

“Shh,” you shushed him, running a gentle hand up his stomach and chest. “Take a breath, honey. Tell me what you need.”

“Need-” His cheeks flushed and he covered his face with his hands in embarrassment. “Need y’to keep going.”

You grinned, the tips of your ears going red.

You gripped his hips, resuming your original pace. Mattheo’s eyes practically rolled back in his skull as his jaw dropped from the overstimulation.

You grunted, speeding up to chase your high. You came with a low moan of his name, your orgasm hitting you out of nowhere like the goddamn Hogwarts Express.

Your arms shook and gave out as you collapsed on top of him. You panted heavily before pressing a soft kiss to his forehead and pulling out; rolling off of him and onto your back as you tried in vain to catch your breath.

He grinned and curled into your side, his slow and steady breaths warm against the crook of your neck. You both sat in a comfortable silence for a long moment before Mattheo interrupted it.

“So…best friends, huh?”

“Shut the fuck up.”

“Why don’t you make me?”