#rewatching that scene was just...skin-crawling you know?

[swan2swan]

The Yaz attack episode SUCKS because it's basically "campus shooting, but with dinosaurs", so it's really not that Fun.

Like...cowardly scientist gets eaten on his birthday abandoning kids? That's kinda funny.

Guy gets pulled apart by T. rexes while saving our heroes? Sad, yes, but he went out like a hero. A champ. He was pulling a gun! He fought to the end!

Babysitter gets eaten trying to rush her charges to safety through a mass panic? Not funny, very sad, but noble and spectacular despite the horror.

Bunch of mercenaries get torn apart by a freak experiment? Yeah, that's what they get for stealing dinosaurs and selling them.

Guy on a scooter gets chomped in the middle of mayhem? Sad for him, but also funny, especially because you know the guy won a contest for that role (probably won the scooter in-universe, too, making it Ironic).

But three random people killed and/or wounded in an almost-indiscriminate attack on a refuge? That is...not cool. It's Too Real. I Do Not Like It. There is A Thing there.

[cinnamorollcrybaby]

i am living for some angst 👀

especially some satoru angst

Hold me. Console me.

Tags: Satoru x fem!Reader, angst, hurt/comfort, depictions of poor mental health, depiction of a panic attack, Satoru’s a little bit of an asshole here.

An: Same… same. Before you read this and blame me for how fucked this story is, know that one of my moots (cough. cough. @theuniversesnepobaby cough.) was sending me sad angsty edits last night. this is partially her fault too.

Satoru was normally a very doting and attentive boyfriend. He’s the type to beg to be in your presence. He’d kill to feel your touch against his skin. “Casual” isn’t a word in his dictionary. When he loves, he loves loudly.

So when he got quiet with his love, your body started to fill with a sense of dread. Cold and bitter feelings crawled their way between you two. No longer did you two laugh until you were out of breath and red in the face. No longer did he surprise you with gifts or try to scare you when you’re unaware of his presence.

His strong arms hadn’t wrapped around you in so long. The ruthless chill of being utterly alone plagued you, while Satoru seemed fine. He was even taking on extra hours at his job. So many nights he didn’t come back until nearly midnight.

How could he not see what’s happening? How could he not notice how much you’re drowning?

“I’m going out.” His words are flat with no care put into them. He’s telling you because he feels as if it’s obligatory — not because he doesn’t want you to worry.

“Where are you going?” So many times have you tried to reach out. It was as if you two were passing back and forth a candle of your relationship. You had ignited the flame and passed it to him so many times, but each time, he snuffs it out without a second thought — leaving you in the dark. Maybe one more time, you metaphorically light the candle in hopes to kinder your relationship…

“Out.” Flame snuffed.

“Oh.” He’s done it so many times, but it hurts just as bad each and every time. Being single wouldn’t hurt this bad. At least you wouldn’t be getting rejected by your own boyfriend on a daily basis.

“See ya.” He doesn’t even give you a second glance as he grabs his coat and saunters out the door. Another night spent alone. Another night filled with a barely eaten tv dinner and a shitty reality tv show droning on in the back while you doomscroll on your phone.

You two use to watch these reality tv shows together and laugh at the ridiculousness of it all. Satoru would hold you so close to his body, and he’d whine anytime you tried to adjust. When was the last time that happened? You never suspected the end of affectionate gestures would come while you two were still in a relationship.

You check Geto’s story on instagram. Sometimes, you’d catch small glimpses of Satoru in the back. Sometimes they were at a cafe or an arcade together. Tonight, it seemed as though Suguru was at very packed party scene.

You hold your breath in your lungs as you rewatch the story again and again — searching for a white head of hair. Your boyfriend makes it too easy for you to stalk him. Though, it feels like a fitting punishment for the turmoil he’s put you through.

No Satoru in sight. You sigh quietly before you check Shoko’s story. It was less likely that Satoru would be captured there, but he has made his appearances in the past. It seemed like tonight Shoko wasn’t present at whatever rager Suguru was at. She posted a picture of her beautifully written notes. She must be studying.

Nanami never posts on his story, so you don’t even bother going to check his barren profile. Haibara never features Satoru in his stories, so you skip his as well. This leaves you with one last option.

Your hand is a little shaky as you click on Utahime’s story. You don’t know when it started, but your cheeks and ears were wet with tears already. Your body had some sort of sick sixth sense for knowing when something was wrong, and something was terribly wrong.

You had always had your little insecurities about Utahime ever since Satoru indulged that he had a small crush on her back in high school. Of course, these were just fleeting thoughts. Up until recently, you knew with full confidence that you had Satoru’s heart. He wouldn’t stray from you. 

You didn’t have that same confidence anymore. Satoru had withdrawn, and it seemed as if he took his heart with him.

You hate being right. You wish you were wrong sometimes. On Utahime’s story, she’s seemingly at the same party that Suguru’s at. Her story is littered with pictures of her with other girls that you don’t recognize, videos of the loud music and people dancing in a crowd, and there’s just one last video on her story that makes your heart sink to your stomach.

Your boyfriend’s pretty blue eyes illuminated by the flash from her back camera. He smiled and laughed as Utahime filmed him. His face was littered with wine red lipstick kiss marks. Utahime had a grab on your boyfriend’s collar, obviously trying to hold his drunk self still while she filmed his crime.

It felt like a punch straight to your gut. You couldn’t even think straight, but you knew you needed to keep this evidence in case she deletes it. Your fingers shakily screenshot the story, logging the picture of Satoru covered in someone else’s affections.

He was out there feeling an overwhelming sense of happiness, receiving kisses from another, dancing to his heart’s content, and enjoying his life while you were sat at home weeping over the loss of your boyfriend.

The tv dinner, now cold and stale, was thrown into the garbage, and whatever little bit you had eaten came up soon after.

The picture was seared into your memory. You didn’t have to look at it to know every minor detail. The way his white hair was messy. His glasses were pulled down ever so slightly to reveal his devastatingly beautiful eyes. His coat hung on his shoulders while his muscular neck peaked out from his shirt.

Every time you closed your eyes, you thought about how many kiss marks he had on his face. How many times had he allowed himself to cheat on you? Was this the first time? Had it gone farther than this? Was it Utahime or some other girl?

You cried yourself to sleep, knowing that Satoru wouldn’t even come home to try to console you.

The next morning, you were disappointed as soon as you woke up. You wished sleep would’ve taken your body and whisked it away far, far from here. Instead, you’re still in your bed, sleeping on a pillow that was stained from your mascara.

If you could, you’d rot in bed all day and try to forget the godforsaken video you saw last night, but you had to make a trip to the restroom.

Forcing your weak body out of bed, you let out a small pained moan. You haven’t eaten a proper meal in so long, and you threw up whatever you did eat yesterday. Your appetite was completely diminished. Satoru use to say that food tasted better when it was shared. He always shared his meals with you, unbeknownst to him, helping you maintain a good schedule for eating.

Your apartment was too bright when you stepped out of the bathroom, and it smelled too much of food. The sizzling on the stove finally caught your drowsy attention.

The man of the hour, Satoru, was at your stove, shirtless and cooking something. Sleeping pants casually hung around his hips, and the dimples at the bottom of his back were so graciously being shown off. Did someone else know about those two little dimples? Even though back was facing you, you could already picture his face, littered with those stupid kiss marks.

Making a b-line for the bathroom, Satoru doesn’t even get the chance to greet you. Your hands were cold and clammy as your body uncontrollably heaved over the toilet. You had nothing left to give, but Satoru was taking everything from you.

Hot tears burned your cheeks as they slipped down your face. You didn’t want to do this. You wished you would’ve never saw that fucking video last night. You should’ve given yourself plausible deniability, but now, you had to face the music.

You slowly returned back to the kitchen after trying your best to clean yourself up. Your eyes focused on Satoru. He was finishing up cooking bacon when his eyes finally met yours and drove daggers through your heart.

“Good morning, sweetness. Something wrong?” He asks with so much care in his tone. You fantasize about hitting him — just once. How dare he suddenly care when you have to check out?

You don’t even know what to say to him. Like, yes, something is clearly fucking wrong, Satoru. I’m dating an unfaithful jerk.

“What are you doing here?” You ask bluntly, wiping your face of the remnants of tears and makeup that had stained your skin. He shouldn’t be allowed to see how badly he hurt you.

“I… live here?” He responds in a questioning tone, furrowing his white eyebrows as he studies your face. “Are you okay?” If only he had asked that question weeks ago, then maybe you two wouldn’t be in this mess today.

“No, and you don’t live here anymore.” You snap, causing him to slightly flinch back — not out of fear but out of surprise. He’s never seen you like this before.

“What do you mean, sweetness? I-“

“Cut the shit, Gojo. Don’t act stupid with me. It’s unbecoming.” You interrupt him completely, not wanting to hear him try to act innocent when you have all the proof you need on your phone.

“Woah. I don’t know what’s wrong, but I don’t really appreciate the insult and the use of my government name. I genuinely have no idea of what you’re talking about.” His voice is firm, laced with sternness, so you can see that he’s not playing around with you.

You take a deep breath until your lungs burn. You want to scream at him, chase him out of the house, and light his shit on fire. Instead, you silently go to retrieve your phone. Pulling up the picture of him with kiss marks all over his face, you shove the screen in his direction.

Gojo takes a few seconds to take in the photo, and he lets his shoulders drop. “This is what you’re mad over, sweetness?” He asks in a much more calm tone, looking up at you with almost puppy dog eyes.

“Don’t call me that.” You snap while swiping your phone back from his hands. “I didn’t think I’d have to spell it out for you, but we’re fucking done.”

“You seriously believe that I would cheat on you?” He asks in that stupid arrogant tone of his, completely ignoring your blunt rejection.

“Why else would your high school crush post a picture of you with kiss marks all over your face!? You look so fucking dumb and in love. I fucking-“ Your throat chokes up as if your body was trying to stop you from saying something you didn’t mean. The words “I fucking hate you” die right there on your lips. Tears fall down your cheeks, and you place your palms over your eyes to hide yourself from his impregnable gaze.

“This, again?” He asks in a frustrated tone before letting out an exasperated sigh, He turns the stove off - abandoning his food before walking over to you. He bends his knees a bit to get on your level. “Look at me.” He demands before his hands go to pull yours away from your eyes.

“Don’t fucking touch me.” You cry out, jerking back away from his presence. Your breath speeds up. The oxygen isn’t having enough time to enter your bloodstream. Your body is vibrating, forcing the air quickly from your lungs. Everything is moving so fast and why the fuck is he so close to you-? He’s suffocating. Fuck, catch your breath. Whyhim?Whyyou?Why?Why?Whatdidyoudotodeservethis???

A gush of air is blown harshly onto your face, and you can feel the bitter cold feeling of something touching your skin. Your eyes see Satoru’s hand holding an ice cube, guiding it along your warm skin on your arm. Your body is so hot that it’s melting faster than he’s moving it.

“Breathe. Match my movements.” Satoru guides in a calm yet steady tone. Your eyes find the way his chest is slowly rising and falling with each breath. You want to tell him to go play in traffic. You don’t need him to ground you. You don’t need him to do anything for you. You don’t need him.

Still, your body matches his slowly. Your breath becomes more stable, and you can feel your heart starting to settle into a more natural rhythm. Your bleary eyes meet his empathetic ones. It’s been so long since your last panic attack, but he remembers just how to calm you down.

It only makes it all hurt so much worse.

“It’s almost over. You’re doing a good job.” He takes his chances at encouraging you. It feels so sickening, more tears flee your eyes. Where had your boyfriend been, and why is he only just now back after he did the unthinkable?

“Sing with me.” It’s an odd request, but it’s something he found that grounds you better than most grounding techniques. Saying repeatable phrases in melodic tone is comforting for your mind.

“No.”

“Come on… Just one time. Your favorite.” He tries again. Metaphorically, lighting the candle and passing it back to you.

You shake your head in response. Flame snuffed. How can you sing with him after what he did to you?

“Come on, don't leave me it can't be that easy, babe” He starts with such a soft angelic voice. You fold in on yourself unable to keep the sob from escaping your throat. What method of torture is this??

“If you believe me I guess I'll get on a plane. Fly to your city excited to see your face.” He continues, lighting that same candle. It’s so small, barely there anymore from how many times you two have tried to relight it.

“Hold me, console me and then I leave without a trace.” The ice cube has completely melted, and his hand is resting on your arm. He slowly guides you to his chest, and you indulge in his warm embrace for just one last time.

“Come on, don't leave me it can't be that easy, babe.” His chin rests on top of your head. You’ve always fit so well in his arms. He’d always tell you that whatever higher power is out there made you specifically with him in mind.

“If you believe me I guess I'll get on a plane. Fly to your city excited to see your face.” His skin is so warm against yours, and your tears are sticking to your chest.

“Hold me, console me and then I leave without a trace.” You finally indulge him, softly joining in on his singing. His body slowly starts to guide you two into a soft subtle sway.

“Come on, don't leave me it can't be that easy, babe.” It’s not that easy. This fucking hurts so bad. Why would your soulmate do this to you?

“If you believe me I guess I'll get on a plane. Fly to your city excited to see your face.” You feel so pathetic — seeking out comfort from the one who hurt you this bad. If your friend could see you right now, she’d slap some sense into you.

“Hold me, console me and then I leave without a trace.”

You’re sniffling softly into his chest, and his hand carefully pets your hair. “Those kiss marks weren’t from Utahime.” He explains in a soft tone. “We were filming a TikTok. The punchline of the joke was that Suguru and Haibara were the ones who kissed all over my face.”

You look up at him with an unsure look on your face, not understanding what he meant. Satoru carefully picks your phone up, and he clicks on Haibara’s Instagram story from last night.

Sure enough, Haibara posted a TikTok of him, Suguru, Satoru, and Utahime. The camera points at Satoru, showing the kiss marks on his face, and the sound plays. “Bro, what happened to your face? Did you do that?” The camera then pans to Utahime to which she mouths the words, “I did not do that.” The camera then pans to Haibara with smeared wine red lipstick on his lips who says, “Then, who did?” The camera is then panned towards Suguru. He also had wine red lipstick smeared on his lips. “Yeah, who?” The two boys start laughing along with Satoru, and the video cuts.

It only comforts your weary heart slightly.

“It was just a stupid TikTok… I should’ve consulted you or warned you… done anything to respect you.”

“This doesn’t take back how awfully cold you’ve been over the last few weeks…” You sniffle out quietly, and Satoru nods his head knowingly.

“I know, sweetness.. I know. I’ve been terrible.” His arms squeeze you a bit tighter — frightened that he was so close to loosing you, still scared of losing you.

“That’s not an apology… or even a reason.” You try to squirm from his grip, but Satoru holds you tighter.

“I’m so fucking sorry, sweetness.” He breathes out a shaky breath, and you realize the shakiness in his voice. Glancing up at him, you feel yourself clam up with the sight of tears in his eyes. Christ, his eyes are somehow even more blue when he cries. “Shit got crazy at work then-“

“You still had time to party it up with your friends. You left me without even telling me you love me.” You finally break away from his grasp. The cheating accusation was only the surface of the main problem.

“You know I love you…” His voice is small, and he wipes his eyes of the tears that are threatening to spill.

“Do I know that?”

“Don’t… don’t say that.. I love you more than life itself.” His shaky hands go to reach for you again, but you move back away from him.

“You’re only doing this because I’m leaving you. If I hadn’t mentioned it, you’d probably still be half assed ignoring me.” You stare at him, and your eyes start to water for the nth time today.

“That’s not…” Satoru bites his tongue, and he runs a hand through his messy white hair. “I came home this morning… saw the uneaten tv dinner in the trash… Your reality tv show was still playing in the background, and I saw how you fell asleep with your makeup messed up… I realized then how much I neglected you… I planned a full day for us to enjoy each other’s presence… Please, don’t leave me for this. I can fix this.”

“How did it feel to look at me everyday when I tried so fucking hard to reach you?”

“It killed me.” He breathes out, and he tries to reach for you again. “Please, I missed you so much. Work was just so fucking much, and I don’t know why I took that out on you.”

You stare at him, and you shake your head silently. “You should go, Gojo..” Your voice cracked as it physically pained you to tell him to leave. Your body craves him more than anything else in the world right now.

“No, please, princess. Don’t do this… I can fix this. I’ll do whatever it takes… just don’t leave me…” Satoru’s on his knees, literally begging you not to leave him. Tears are falling down his cheeks as he bows his head to you.

It’s humiliating, but he’s so humiliatingly in love with you. He’s so dead serious. He’d do anything for you to stay with him.

“Toru..”

“I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry. I-I don’t know why I did it. I just pulled away from you, and I don’t know how it happened. You’re the best damn thing that’s ever happened t-to me. Please. I can’t function without you.”

You stare at your boyfriend with concern as his head literally touches the floor beneath him. You don’t even know what to say to him. The thought of leaving him hurts so fucking bad. It steals the breath from your lungs.

“Please don’t leave me… puh…. please stay with me.” He’s groveling at your feet, unable to stop the tears that escape his eyes. The thought of living in a world where you aren’t his girlfriend… he wouldn’t. He’d be a shell of who he once was. He’s nothing without you.

You slowly sit on the floor in front of him, and your hands stroke his soft hair gently. Satoru’s breath slows as he finally gets a grip on his emotions. He realizes just how pathetic he looks. He slowly leans up, and he looks at you. Both of you looked like complete messes, and it was all his fault.

“I don’t deserve you,” He murmurs quietly. “but please, I can make this better… I love you so much, sweetness… I wouldn’t dream of ever cheating on you.”

“I don’t forgive you.” Your voice is barely a whisper. The metaphorical flame is so small and shaky, but if you two both shield it from the wind, it’ll be able to grow once more. “You have a lot to prove me, Toru.”

“I’ll spend every waking minute of my life fixing this. I promise you, sweets.”

and he did. Satoru went back to loving you loudly. He didn’t merely shield the flame from being blown out, he fanned it himself so it grew in intensity. He was back to doting on you constantly, and he did frequent check-ins to make sure you weren’t feeling neglected. He took frequent vacations from work with you. He usually took you two out on holidays to wherever your heart desired, but sometimes you two would use his vacation time to just lounge around the house and enjoy each other’s presence.

Your confidence slowly returned to you over time. It wasn’t easy by any means. It took many nights of Satoru’s consistent reassurance and overwhelming love and support for you to slowly start feeling comfortable in your relationship with him.

He put in the work, nourished your flame, and he never made you feel guilty for having a second thought because when he loves, he loves deeply. Casual is not his strong suit.

[trillscienceofficer]

I made myself rewatch “Blood Fever” and, in the spirit of analyzing all the times B'Elanna was under the influence of alien crap as the only times in which she shows overt interest in men, this dialogue really caught my attention:

Tom: Sorry. Try to stay calm. I know it's hard. B'Elanna: You don't know anything. I feel like I'm crawling out of my skin. I need to do something. I can't take this. (She pushes Paris to the ground and straddles him. He pushes her off.) B'Elanna: You've never been hard to get, Tom. Tom: Well, I'm making an exception. I can't let you do this. B'Elanna: Oh, I'll bet you wish you could. All those invitations to dinner. And on the holodeck, the way you would stare at me when you thought I wasn't looking, and get jealous when I'm with someone else. You can't tell me you're not interested in me. Tom: You're right. I can't. B'Elanna Then don't push me away. Tom: Oh, believe me, I'd like to, but I know this isn't really you. You've made it clear that you're not interested, and I have to accept that's how you feel, even now. B'Elanna: No. No, it isn't. I was, I was just afraid to admit it. You see, I've wanted this for so long. (She kisses him.) B'Elanna Just let it happen. (More kisses.) Tom: I hope someday you'll say that to me and mean it.

So obviously this is B'Elanna almost at the end of her rope (the way she says that she feel like she's crawling out of her skin...) and the whole talk she gives about how she's seen the way Tom acts towards her is undoubtedly an act of desperation. B'Elanna is trying to wear his ethical concerns thin by pointing out that she knows what he's been doing, she's aware of his interest in her, so he could give in to his desires and have sex with her. Also obviously, that's fucked up!

But what I find most interesting in this scene is the fact that B'Elanna can explain so vividly how she knows Tom is attracted to her (the part I highlighted in purple), even in her state. She can recall precisely the instances in which she has observed Tom's interest. Now compare it with how she tries to talk about her own feelings towards Tom (in orange). It's much more perfunctory, a convenient explanation rather than a precise description of when and how her attraction developed. Even Tom seems rather unconvinced by the ‘I was afraid to admit it’ explanation, in addition to his obvious worry about her current state.

Now, I'm aware that B'Elanna is actually afraid of admitting any kind of feeling because she's so scared of letting go and letting people see her whole self, something Tom also points out to her at the end of the episode. So it is certainly a good interpretation to see B'Elanna's previous rejection of Tom as her being simply afraid of getting too close, especially to a human who might not be able to ‘handle her Klingon side’ just like her father wasn't able to deal with her mother and her (ie, afraid she'll be at the receiving end of more racial harassment).

Yet, I keep returning to the fact that B'Elanna was so precise when describing Tom's attraction to her but not vice-versa. I realize that in general women find it difficult to untangle their attraction to men from the attention they get from men. The latter is usually a strong component of the former for many women, and learning to separate the two things is often a long and difficult process. This is, I believe, part and parcel of the reality of living in a sexist society. With this perspective it's not surprising, imho, that B'Elanna finds it much easier to tell Tom about the way she's noticed his attention on her, rather than make a convincing case for her own feelings, even thinking of B'Elanna as completely straight.

But, but. As I've said at the beginning of this post, “Blood Fever” is part of a trend where B'Elanna is shown being attracted to men when under the influence of alien weirdness (the other episodes where this happens are “Persistence of Vision”, “Remember” and “Scientific Method”). It's probably the most obvious example of the whole trend, actually. The ‘sex pollen’ that makes B'Elanna act so irrationally is a strange offshoot of the Vulcan Pon Farr, something she only caught because Vorik (also not in his right mind) attacked her. (I think it's particularly fraught that all this is happening to her because she was essentially assaulted!!) And the dialogue above is so revealing to me, in the context of this trend—she knows of Tom's attraction to her, she's known for a long a time, but when it comes to her own desires her thoughts are much more nebulous and vague.

And it's not just in that particular scene I quoted, either. For example, earlier in the episode she bites Tom, but she doesn't seem super sure of why she did that (because again, she is not thinking very clearly):

Tom: [...] If I remember my Klingon customs, biting someone on the face means... B'Elanna: I know what it means. All right, so maybe I do feel something, some kind of instinct. What am I supposed to do about it?

And when pressed, she defaults to old Klingon wisdom:

Tom: B'Elanna, stop it! This isn't about the gun. This is about sex. But that's not gonna happen right now. B'Elanna: I think it is. See, I have picked up your scent, Tom. I've tasted your blood.

Part of it is Trek being always super weird about Klingon sex (this episode is certainly a prime example of that weirdness), and not having anything to say about it except for formulaic references. But also, taken all together, it's clear that B'Elanna is going through the motions of (Klingon) heterosexual practices because she has no other recourse, and Tom is just conveniently there, and conveniently already interested in her.

I think Tom calling her out on her pretense is already an obvious indicator that we shouldn't be taking what B'Elanna says of her own feelings at face value, but I would go even further and say that the way she acts is also hardly revealing of ‘true feelings’, much like her dreams in “Remember” were not her own. I'd say that seeing this episode as another example of B'Elanna being closeted is in fact just as viable an interpretation as the one that the episode puts forward (her being afraid of getting close to Tom); the two things aren't even mutually exclusive, in fact.

I've said before that the way Voyager puts B'Elanna in these situations where she has little to no control is an attempt to break her open and have her finally admit her feelings, because she's generally so closed off. So I'm aware of the narrative devices at play here. And yet, when these devices are being used so consistently when it comes to her relationship to Tom, I think it's interesting to look into it more deeply. B'Elanna and Tom were already playfully bickering and flirting even before “Blood Fever”, but it's only afterwards that it becomes really overt. I think part of it is because B'Elanna is now sure that he's interested in her (he admitted it to her), and he's shown himself to be a honorable man. It is honest attention; it's safe to reciprocate, and he won't take advantage of her. Yet the only way she's able to confess any feelings to him it's in the moments right before certain death in “Day of Honor”—her ambivalence never ceases to be there. It's even present all the way up to “Scientific Method”, where yet another instance of alien interference finally lets (?) her enjoy being close to Tom.

Again, I don't think it's at all a stretch to interpret all of this from the lens of a closeted B'Elanna—and “Blood Fever” unwittingly brings another argument in its favor, by having B'Elanna so clearly aware of Tom's feelings but not her own towards him.

[jade-of-mourning]

listen the idea of lin & mako having history pre-canon is the funniest shit to me ever idk why it's just funny especially seeing how their relationship casually evolves throughout the series

edit: i wrote this before getting around to rewatch and i drastically failed in my characterization of lin please forgive me

There's a ratty kid running messages in the middle of a busted underground drug transaction. He gets arrested with the rest of the participants who didn’t scram fast enough and is taken to the station — where he promptly escapes his juvenile cell before he can get pulled in for interrogation. Lin knows his type, thin-faced with eyes older than their body, and she hopes that this is the last she sees of him, because she hates having to deal with kids involved in crime.

Two months later, she's on the night patrol when she runs onto the scene of a Triad raid. There's a small firebender wielding flame and settling the building ablaze, stark against the black sky; she makes eye contact with him and realizes that it's that ratty, slippery kid who had been running messages. As more officers arrive on the scene and quell the flames, she snatches him before he can flee with the rest. He's snarling sparks and biting at air with his teeth, kicking his feet viciously in an attempt to escape the metal cables wrapped around his body, and she hauls him into the station and sits his ass down in the interrogation room, where he gets his first mugshot taken and she fills out the paperwork to send him back to an orphanage. A few days later, she reads an offhand report that a kid’s run away.

She doesn't see him again until a year later in the aftermath of a violent robbery, this time hauled in the back of a getaway car that their pursuers don't catch. There's a woman lying in water with smoke coming off her body, and Lin can see the lichtenberg figures crawling over her skin.

They're on a stakeout on a warehouse when he fires lightning through the window, shattering glass. Lin's yelling orders and fighting off a triad of gangsters, and as whips her cables around the last man, she turns around to see the now-teenager whipping lightning through her officers' metal suits and kicking flames through the air. He spits in her face when she captures him in earth and breaks away the back to cuff his hands and calls her the worst of 'em all, the mighty fuckin' Chief of Police herself. He's sitting in the interrogation room with his hands bound to the table and infinitely subdued, dead silent under the weight of her gaze, meeting her eyes with a hard dirty gold edge. His face is still thin and young the way it'd been years ago, bones still jutting out of his cheeks, hair chopped unevenly and falling across his brow. You must be close to Zolt, to have learned lightning to any level of proficiency, let alone been taught, she says to him, and he scowls and hisses like a feral pygmy-puma and doesn't speak a word. His second mugshot gets stored in his growing file. She learns from other subjects of interrogation that he's Zolt's project and intended successor should he survive long enough, learns of their general resentment towards him. Someone still busts him out of jail by the next night.

He's way too involved in the underground for anyone's liking. He's Zolt's protege and he's constantly involved in raids and exchanges and assaults. He's often the last one fighting off several officers until he's captured by Lin, the warehouse scenario playing out over and over again: he's shooting lightning and spitting fire and fighting viciously until his blood is in his eyes, absolutely wild without reservation. He vomits insults at the police out of his mouth while driven to the station, curses them for the lack of care the world's ever shown towards him and his brother. Every time he ends up in a jail cell and the guards look away for a minute, he's managed to slip away, a slippery bastard eel-shark. He quits his silence, tears into her and her job over interrogation rooms in handcuffs and still escapes despite it all. (He even manages to snatch the blasted red scarf out of her office while on the way out. What the fuck.) He's got nearly half a dozen mugshots accumulated in his folder at the station, each one documenting his eyes darkening to a harder gold, the growth of bruises around his neck, evidence of his increasing inability to fill out his skin.

And then he vanishes. At first she doesn't notice, but his absence becomes more evident as Zolt's work begins showing up with increasing frequency rather than his favorite errand-runner. She doesn't really give a shit about the little asshole fire-spitting punk who'd only caused trouble while running with the triads, a notable accomplice in harassing the city for the past four years — but she also can't help but wonder what happened to him. No body ever turns up and she eventually forgets about him; crime never stops.

Imagine her fucking surprise when three years later, he's suddenly best friends with an even more asshole fire-spitting punk: the Avatar. She sees him in the City Hall when she comes to assert her support for the pro-bending arena, doesn't register who he is until he turns in surprise and narrows his eyes at her, familiar in the cold fire behind them. She realizes that he’s the Mako she’s been hearing on the radio, the rapidly rising star of the sport. She also doesn’t get the chance to address any of this madness before Tenzin drags her aside, and then the world moves too fast for her to figure out how the fuck he’s involved in this mess. She sees him fight now and she knows that he knows she knows, but they don't acknowledge it at all because there's too much more at stake. His voice is still low and scratchy, but it's now carefully articulate, no sign of vicious vitriol and derision that had once spilled from his lips, just reservation and consideration.

Their non-interaction lasts until after the entire Amon ordeal is (somewhat) resolved and her bending is restored. She confronts him, grudgingly acknowledges his role in saving the city, then flatly declares that she doesn't trust him for shit. He glares her down for a moment before the familiar fire fades from his eyes and his shoulders slump ever so slightly. He says that he’s trying to be a better man now, that he cares deeply for the people around him now, that he doesn’t ever want to turn back to who he was forced to have been because it was never who he wanted to be. She tells him that she can’t let him go unanswered for his crimes from when he was younger; he begs her to not ruin everything that he’s worked so hard to make for himself. It’s unexpected for all that she thought she knew of him, the desperation open on a face no longer carved by starvation.

And Lin knows in her heart that he’s trying. She can see it in the way he looks at Korra like she cradles the sun in her palms, the way he puts his hand on his brother’s shoulder and opens his arm to embrace, the way he talks to the Sato girl with softened edges and keeps his eyes on her face, not her pockets. But she can’t trust that trying of itself is enough. It comes to her: she needs to keep an eye on him, and he needs a stable job (— kids like him who’ve managed to crawl out of the gutter are always on the hunt for one after all, despite how rarely they find it).

So she offers him an application for the force, tells him that she’ll turn a blind eye to his past if performs this service under her watch. She admits he’s got a good head on his shoulders, that he’s a good fighter — she would know —, and states that if he’s truly so determined to do right, then he should be extending that to the city as well. He looks at her and asks, Do I really have a choice? 

She looks at him wryly, raises an eyebrow. I don’t have much of a choice myself, now do I? she tells him.

other random mako-related tumblr writings i did: x / x

this is also kind of the only way i can picture mako joining the rpcd initially, because it actually makes no sense to me lmfao. how he got involved, that is. like i can definitely see him being super passionate about it and ultimately coming to enjoy working for this fictional police force, probably finding some kind of self-appointed redemption for himself as a kid, but also how did this get started in the first place. consider me baffled.

… i kinda wanna write a oneshot on this now. oops. goddamnit </3

spat this out in maybe two hours cuz i thought it was funny. i'm still writing That Fic, it's almost 10k long somehow and i think i need to delete about half of it, but we'll see lmfaooo

also here's a wip on him i started that i may or may not ever finish

[icarusmonsoon]

healed wounds, mended hearts pt I - rafe cameron

rafe cameron x reader

PREVIEW: You and the Cameron were friends from childhood up until you choose to socialize with the pogues. Though Sarah never minded, you and Rafe's friendship ended way long ago up until you both unexpectedly reunited on the kook families new years eve party. That was two years ago though, you don't remember exactly when things have changed drastically. With you and your friends fighting to get what's rightfully yours. A seemingly neverending treasure hunt.

You and the pogues snoop into the Cameron's cargo ship, wanting to get Sarah and the cross back. But something unexpected happened, and you were left with the person you hate the most because that was the only way to safe you.

Healed wounds, mended hearts PART 1

Part II

NOTE : It was only after i rewatched some clips of the scenes that i realize the ship in season 2 was actually not that big….lmao so please just imagine it being a pretty big cargo ship so the deck is pretty high up with a small chance of survival when someone fell overboard Anyway, hope you enjoy! ALSO i didnt proof read this so sorry if there are any mispronunciations or grammatical errors

***

You reached out to get ahold of a metal piece, a single part of the ship to hold your body up. The humming sound of the engine bombed through the air, followed by the neverending sounds of waves crashing the body of the ship. How ironic is it that something that has very little convenient on a normal day could be the sole thing that is preventing you from meeting death.

Your heart is beating heavily that you can feel it on every parts of your body. Sweats crawled down your skin and you can feel it against your palm, the one having a hold of the broken piece of railing. Shit. You can feel your lungs tightened as fear engulfed your whole body and your limbs starting to weakened by fear. Its hard not to panic when you are only seconds away from meeting your end.

You felt your hand starting to slip, your hold loosen each second passed without knowing what to do. Your mind brought you the image of your mom, the only person you can't live without, of how worried she must've been not knowing where her missing daughter is. You dont want to die, not today. Tears blurred your sight, and though shaky, you tried to call for help again, and again, and again. You have stopped for a while as it requires so much strength with no replies at all. You reckon everyone is busy with their own fight. With a shaky breath, you call out. "Somebod-"

"Y/n!" Just before you can finish your sentence, somebody called your name, their voice muffled by the roaring sound of the ship. You recognize their voice. "JJ? J im right here!"

You felt a hand tightly grabbed ahold of yours, pulling you up until your whole body is secure on the deck. Your face hit a warm and slightly damp hard surface, and you can feel a hand holding the back of your head. JJ hugged you tightly against his chest, his arms wrapped around your head and waist. "Fuck, Y/n. I've searched for you everywhere. How the fuck did you even get there?" You can hear the slight panting in his voice.

You shook your head in response. You can feel your tears blurring your empty gaze, looking straight into the endless deep blue ocean as your cheek leaned against his chest. The sky has darkened, tinted with hues of orange and pink. Such a beautiful sight when seen from a very different circumstances. You wonder when everything is going to end, whether you and your friends will even meet the end of this treasure hunting adventure at all. One moment you almost died, falling and drowning overboard. What's next will always be unexpected. "I dont- i dont know J, one minute i- one" You inhaled sharply, feeling your throat closing with shock and heavy breaths.

"You're okay bug, you're okay" He lulled softly against your ear, his hand rubbing circles on your lower back. "I was there with you, and the next thing i knew i was fighting one of Ward's man on the edge of the ship. He bring me down with him, i managed to kick his ass off though"

JJ pulled away from you, both of his hands now placed on your shoulders with concern written all over his face. "You killed them?" You raise your shoulders. "Yeah? Maybe? I dont know J he went down to that fucking ocean"

A small smirk creeped up his face, one that is psychotic enough when you think about it. "Thats my girl. Woo!" He said, both hands shaking your body slightly.

"J, wheres everyone else?" You asked, snapping him out of distraction which was followed by the realization in his ocean blue eyes. Oh my god, this guy.

"Yeah..yeah. Everyone else. C'mon follow me" He dragged you through steep stairs and wet floors, looking back at you every once in a while to make sure that you're fine and right behind him. At times you can feel his thumb rub the inner side of your wrist. That gesture is so very not him, the unfamiliarity weirdly moved your heart. It's a whole different side of this boy you knew, and you reckon that is what the realization of potentially dying could do to a person.

You both stopped at the sound of metal clashing against metal, you can feel JJ's left arm backing out, moving you to stand right behind him pressed against the wall as he touched your left side. Butterfly erupted from your stomach, but you ignored them as you stared dirtily at the back of his head. This boy saved you once and think he's the master knight. "The fuck are you doing? Let's go J the clock is ticking!" You hit his shoulder, shout whispering behind him.

"Shh! You hear that? That's Rafe Y/n. Hes fighting someone" Your heart dropped at the mention of him. Your childhood friend turned into the villain in you and your friends's story. You both walked slowly towards the scene, deep down anticipating for the worst. The hallway ended, the floor no longer covered by the shadow of the wall. You felt exposed, not having something to cover you both from whoever is in front of you.

Up there you see Pope fighting Rafe over the cross, and on the other side you see Ward's men coming to help him. "Pope watch out!" You screamed as you shove JJ out of your way. One of them is coming for Pope with a piece of machete-like metal while he was busy fighting Rafe. You shoved the bearded man from the side with your back, you both stumbled to the floor with a heavy thud. Pain traveled down your back from the impact, but you heard the weapon cluttered to the floor. Out of instinct, you quickly crawled to get them just a few feet away from your hand. But the man seemingly thought of the same thing, as you both raced to grab the machete.

Something grabbed your legs and pulled you back just when you were inches away from the metal, but you were able to shove the handle, making it slides far enough so the man. If you can't have it, no one can.

Something kicked you on the chest as you twisted your body upward, your eyes meeting an unfamiliar vague pair of dark eyes. You wheezed, your chest burning with pain and shock that it hurts to even breathe in the ocean air. But the man stumbled back when someone punched him, reeling him away from your vulnerable state.

"The fuc- Cleo?" You realized it was really her. "No time to chat, distract them while Pope takes care of the cross" she said while ducking away from a punch. You nodded, eyes scanning your surroundings and noticed that JJ was nowhere to be found. Rafe was still coming at Pope, but the cross was already tied up. Your gaze went to the other side and you saw Cleo struggling to take down both of Ward's men. Fuck it. Pope can deal with one man.

You jumped on the back of one of the guy and hit the side of his head with your elbow repeatedly, with one hand tightening your hold on his neck. You released your hold from the guy, but managed to blow a hit behind his neck before he passed out.

You clutched your side as something cold pierced through your side. A pained gasp escaped your lips as pain quickly erupted from the wound, and you felt yourself fell backwards as your limbs weakened.

To be continued..

[buckybarnesss]

You know what grosses me out more than the Erica bite scene? Derek's sex scene with Jennifer.

Aside from the fact that it's a rape scene, the loving way the camera pans over Derek's body, the way he's framed in a very feminine way, and it's like... he's being used. He's being manipulated, there's a very high possibility that she literally charmed him, and her resemblance to Paige and Stiles is so purposeful.

I wanted to crawl out of my skin during the Kate & Derek scenes in season 4, but that scene with Jennifer makes me want to rip my eyes out.

jennifer was such an amazing villain and make no mistake she was a villain. she has a sympathetic origin story but all good villains do. she was wronged by kali and duecalion. kali tried to kill her for power. that doesn't make her actions right. she justifies and deludes herself but she's not better than duecalion taking people's lives for power.

this did made me go back and rewatch frayed and motel california.

frayed is actually full of stuff i had forgotten. like how pivotal this episode is to the derek and scott relationship, a peter and cora adventure and pack dynamics for daaaaays.

so like, here's the thing -- fuck jennifer forever for what she did to derek. i always have a hard time watching the scene in motel california.

it's interesting that in frayed derek is presumed dead after he fights ennis (who bit paige) and he stumbles into the school parking lot just as he did in magic bullet but instead of stiles it's jennifer he stumbles into.

now while jennifer would've known the kids were out of town for the meet. she's the one who put wolfsbane in coach finstock's whistle but derek finding her was fortuitous. i don't think she planned that exactly. she was just masterful at taking advantage of circumstances and adapting her plans.

jennifer is still always some how connected visually and narratively to stiles and paige. they did this on purpose and this is a hill i will die on.

the entire time she's with derek after finding him she's spirtually channelling s1 stiles circa magic bullet with the bone saw.

derek's first instinct is to find the others, find his pack because he knows they think he's dead and she's able to redirect him.

they didn't make it a coincidence that at the same time the werewolves are being magically roofied with wolfsbane jennifer is working her way through derek's defenses by emulating straight out of season 1 stiles and gets him to have sex despite his gaping stomach wound and his original intent to find the others.

she's nefarious and takes advantage of him. jennifer was violating a lot of people this episode.

i also noticed that she touches his shoulder the same way stiles will in the next episode. except her touch is deceptive and false comfort whereas stiles's touch is actual comfort and support.

[tarisilmarwen]

Rebels Rewatch: "Iron Squadron"

Unexpected Sato backstory??? And other fun things!

Oh hey, the rare Star Wars planet that is not one single biome!

My son looking cutely contemplative. :)

Hera's the first to mention that Sato has "connections" here, and my brain automatically assumed family even before the reveal.

This freighter the kids are using is a YT-2400, which apparently was kind of a big deal to Legends fans because of some dude named Dash Rendar. This is not my area of lore expertise so I won't comment on that, but I will observe that if fanbros had an expectation of seeing that guy in this episode then it makes more sense why they got pissy when it was revealed the crew was upstart plucky kids instead.

Still, adult Star Wars fans really have got to stop mindlessly hating on teen/kid characters.

"They're attacking the Empire head on!" I mean, y'all have a Corellian freighter too and you do that all the time. I guess the YT-2400 looks way more civilian grade to them, no obvious modifications.

Why is Kanan in the turret, guys? Yeah yeah I know he has the Force to help him "see" but this is just... silly.

Hera still operating under the impression that it's a civilian ship. I mean technically it is but also you're in the Rebellion Hera, we literally just had an Imperial ace talk about how y'all use whatever ship that flies a few episodes ago lol.

You know the trick with the cargo crates is actually pretty clever. The YT-2400 obviously has very little actual armament aside from the one top gun, very easy to lull your enemy into thinking you're harmless.

Lol Zeb accurately calling that Iron Squadron is "a ship-full of Ezras".

I haven't commented on it before but sometimes Ezra just sits like such a typical teenager, using the furniture in all the wrong ways.

Big fan of the slightly vulnerable note in Sato's voice here.

Lol Ezra and Sabine's faces here.

"If you like a junk pile." "Be nice." A+ adorable banter moment, love it.

There goes Chopper antagonizing other droids again.

Mart is surly and grumpy and looks like a shaggy kitten and I love him. <3

Gooti trying to diffuse the tension in the room by offering waffles. Relatable.

Mart honestly sounds just a bit like Dark Side Drunk Ezra, the undernotes of anger in his voice, insisting that they have things under control and don't need help. Honestly it was kind of an amazing and interesting idea to put Ezra alongside a bunch of (slightly) younger kids a few rungs back on the character development ladder to contrast how much more mature he's gotten.

Mart confusing different Imperial ships for a Star Destroyer is also a great running gag. Sabine gets so annoyed lol.

Lothal still looking relatively pretty.

I would really like to praise Lars Mikkelson for making me creeped out by the most innocuous of scenes with Thrawn, all the man has to do is comment on Iron Squadron being interesting and mildly insult Konstantine and my skin crawls, ggughhhh.

Thrawn setting up lesser officers for failure again.

Relating to deliberately casting Ezra as the more mature one, it even extends to how they keep posing him this episode. He's not more than a year or two older than the Iron Squadron kids and yet he feels so much older in his bearing and manner of speaking.

The shoulder nudge and the way Sabine goes, "Hmm?" makes me think they're improving this on the fly.

I've joked before about this looking like a cute family photo but it's still true.

Spaceparents be skeptical lol.

Chopper just whacking the panel with hammer. XD

"This might be just a planet to you, but it's our home!" Hoo boy, that's the heart of it isn't it? Ezra has been through this exact thing. So he understands the instinct to dig in and fight back. But like Mon Mothma would later remind him in Season Four, you can't save every planet right away. Sometimes you have to retreat and regroup, and come back stronger later.

Sometimes you have to leave home.

It doesn't mean you don't fight. It just means you don't let your fear of loss make you stupid.

Once again leaning on that message of "How we choose to fight."

This is purely in the realm of headcanon but Mart's obsession with suicidally charging a Star Destroyer makes me think that might be how his father died, or something similar to it at least.

Gooti and Jonner sharing a look like, "Uhhhhhh maybe they have a point about our ship being way too small to take on the Empire alone."

Yeah, no, I'm sticking with my idea that Mart has just a little bit of a death wish and wants to go out taking revenge against the Empire that killed his father.

Precious little rage bean. <3

Sabine reminding Ezra not to get in trouble with Hera for disobeying orders again.

It's okay Sabine, he's learned that lesson lol.

Subtle animation appreciation moment: The sheer floof to Mart's hair. I can't believe how much volume it feels like has, just from the way it shifts around his head.

"I am all the family he has left." :((((

STILL SO MAD THAT WE NEVER GOT MART'S REACTION TO SATO'S SACRIFICE AT THE BATTLE OF ATOLLON.

Right, continuing with the Mart-is-literally-Ezra-from-a-couple-seasons-prior parallels, Mart's disbelief and delight at the Ghost coming back for him.

And Konstantine makes a really stupid decision in the effort to... idk, give himself more glory? He literally has enough ships and firepower to blow both freighters to bits and he insists on this showy mine trap move.

This is why Thrawn sent you by yourself, pal, he wanted to see if you'd croak.

Lol the Ghost took a potshot at the light cruiser as it was passing.

Chopper continuing in the grand habit of bullying other droids.

Ahhhhhhh Sato came! He was too far away to be able to get there on time and he came anyway!

HIS FACE.

Yeah uh, Konstantine? You should have known the mine plan would never have worked as soon as you lost signal contact with it. Also it's really stupid to let them get the ship that close to your cruiser before you try to detonate it.

Mart's little "...Oh." expression. <3 A+ running gag payoff, no complaints.

HNNNNNGGHHHHH YOU CAN'T JUST IMPLY THAT THRAWN AND SATO HAVE SOME KIND OF CONNECTION AND THEN NOT FOLLOW UP ON THAT. At least let us get some Sato backstory out of it, c'mon.

Thrawn calling Konstantine just to rub the embarrassment in.

THIS IS WHY HE DISOBEYED YOUR ORDERS AT ATOLLON DUDE. MAYBE NEXT TIME DON'T HUMILIATE YOUR UNDERLINGS BY DELIBERATELY SENDING THEM INTO SITUATIONS YOU KNOW THEY'LL BUNGLE.

Aw frick.

Don't think about the Kanan-Ezra parallels, don't think about the Kanan-Ezra parallels, don't think about the Kanan-Ezra parallels--

They're adorable.

And we couldn't let the episode close without getting one last gag in by way of Chopper rolling up to R3 and smacking him for no damn reason lololol.

I unironically love this episode and these kids. <3 Fandom was way too mean about this episode, why do y'all hate fun?

There are a few things introduced in this episode that really should have been picked back up and followed through on and yeah, a couple moments are a smidge cringe. But the humor is overall solid and sue me Mart Mattin is precious and I love the depth his existence adds to Sato. AND I WANTED SO MUCH MORE I DON'T CARE THAT I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO LOVES THEM I NEEDED MORE IRON SQUADRON.

*ahem* I'm normal about this episode. Soooo normal.

[rylanenthusiast]

Soulmate AU!!

sorry for taking so long on this one! was struggling to find the inspiration to do it- i thought about it though and settled on the “shared pain” soulmate au, seemed fitting for these two >:) apologies if the dialogue isn’t accurate to canon, imma be so fr with you rn and let you know that i could not be bothered to go rewatch the scene- i planned on rewriting most of it anyway.

TW: gore/description of injury

“Are you sure?!”

“YES I’m fucking sure! Just do it!”

Ryan felt sick to his stomach. The last thing he’d expected to be doing after finally kissing Dylan would be him having to amputate his hand.

The sweat has his shirt clinging to his skin, the radio hut’s walls caving in on him as his heart is fighting to break through his chest.

It was too much.

A broken cry breaks Ryan out of his headspace- he looks down at a bloody Dylan sprawled across the wooden floor. He’s holding his left arm with white knuckles, the gory sight of his mangled hand making Ryan sick to his stomach.

Oddly enough, a sharp pain was present in his own left hand- but he had no time to dwell on the fact.

Dylan needed him.

“Fuck, okay- just- just hold on-“

He turns to the table on his left. A chainsaw or the shotgun in his hands.

God this was so fucked up.

He quickly places the gun down so he can pick up the chainsaw- his limited first aid training told him that a shotgun blast to the hand was probably more lethal.

Probably.

He revs the chainsaw, placing his foot just under Dylan’s wrist as he brings it down before he could second-guess himself.

Dylan screams. They both scream.

Ryan stumbles backwards, dropping the chainsaw as he flicks his head down to his left hand- a white hot searing pain shooting down his wrist.

“What the-“

Heart racing, his eyes widen as his mind runs into overdrive. Connections are made as he wipes the blood of his soulmate off his face, only smearing it further.

Oh fuck, Dylan.

Ryan shoots his gaze to the boy in question, the sight of the colour drained from his face making bile rise up Ryan’s throat. His heads drooping dangerously, dark red gushing onto the floorboards from his severed wrist.

“Get the…the thingy get the,” he slurs out, vaguely gesturing towards the radio.

Ryan stumbles over to the radio, “Do I-”

“The button! Get the button-“

He slams the button with his right hand, his left being unusable at the searing pain that takes his breath away.

A high pitched ring shrieks out of the speakers around the hut, Ryan clamps his hands over his ears in agony before realising that Dylan couldn’t do the same.

He abruptly falls to the ground, crawling over frantically until he’s straddling Dylan’s back.

He clamps his hands over Dylan’s ears, the only thing on his mind being Dylan’s safety. He winces at the ringing in his ears, and then the feedback suddenly cuts off.

“Oh shit…we blew the speaker,” Dylan slurs.

“You fucking did it dude-“

“Wooo…,” he drawls, head falling down until his forehead hits the floor.

Ryan’s awareness suddenly kicks in, climbing off Dylan’s back and scrambling in front of the boy, lifting his head up by the chin. His hand hurt like hell, but Dylan was the one at risk here.

“Hey, buddy- look at me- I need you to stay awake okay?”

“Yeah…yeah…I’m awake…”

“Good- that’s good- just- keep pressure on it,” he says, pressing Dylan’s right hand under the wound.

They wince simultaneously at the added pressure, Ryan immediately getting up to find a first aid kit.

-

At this point, Dylan’s sat leaning against the back wall of the radio hut, legs spread in front of him.

Ryan’s sat on Dylan’s thighs, clutching his left arm as he attempts to tie a tourniquet below his wrist.

“Ryan-“

“I know man- I’m sorry,” he chokes out, hot tears falling down his cheeks.

“Hey…hey don’t…don’t go all soft on me,” Dylan whispers, head lolling to the side.

Ryan only responds with a pitying snort through his nose, jaw clenched in concentration as he focuses on not passing out from the pain he was feeling along with Dylan.

He had to be strong. For Dylan.

He finally finishes dressing the wound, gently laying his arm between the two of them. He leans forward, resting his forehead against Dylan’s.

“I’m so sorry,” he whispers.

“S’okay,” Dylan slurs, “Doesn’t even hurt that bad.”

“No- don’t- don’t fucking lie to me Dylan.”

“I’m not! Seriously it’s-“

“I can feel it.”

“…What?”

“I can feel it too. And fuck- it hurts like hell Dyl. So you don’t have to try be all brave for me, okay?”

“…Holy shit Ry,” he whispers in awe after a long silence.

“Yeah…holy shit.”

The silence deepens between them as they both finally get to process the information.

As Dylan’s about to speak, Ryan pulls him forwards into a tight hug, burying his face into the crook of his neck. Dylan raises his arms, wrapping them around his soulmate’s frame, before squeezing him just as tight.

They both made a silent promise to each other in that moment. A promise that they were gonna get the fuck out of here.

[useless-moss]

Yeah I'm fine, it's just that the overhead lights are causing the space directly behind my eyes to hurt.

Yeah I can focus on chores and work, but only if I have music and/or the collection of YouTube videos I rewatch for background sound playing. You also can't talk to me while I'm working because it's uncomfy and sidetracks my brain.

Huh? Oh, yeah, I'm just staring into space practicing entire conversations in my head. I've actually explained my thinking process to you five times and predicted five different reactions to the information. I've also replayed the same scene from my au of [insert media] about three times so far.

I'm fine, it's just that the texture of these towels makes it feel like bugs are crawling under my skin and the only way to remedy this is to flap my hands, spin around, and scratch/rub my arms until the sensation fades enough for me to somewhat calmly scrub my hands and arms with soap and water.

This place is too loud and crowded and makes me want to cover my ears and hide in a dark cupboard.

What do you mean? I'm hopping around and waving my arms because I'm really excited and happy. It's a good thing.

Do you have about an hour to listen to me rant about a piece of media you probably don't care about?

Do you have another hour to listen to me tell stories and share fun facts you've probably already heard?

Oh, these headphones muffle a lot of sound but the pressure is also comforting.

No I don't want to do anything after work or school, I need to emotionally recharge because people make me feel so drained I need a nap and at least three hours to either do absolutely nothing or do a comfort activity.

Yes I'm asking you repeat the instructions, you weren't clear enough the first time and I need to know exactly what you're expecting otherwise I'll be lost and probably mess it up.

[ilaiyayaya]

God I am so tempted to watch Dungeon Meshi as it's airing even tho I know if I do I'll stop halfway through and never finish it because I am physically incapable of watching anime as it airs BUT LIKE IT'S SO WELL ANIMATED I'M GONNA FUCKING KILL MYSELF IF I SEE ONE MORE WELL ANIMATED CLIP THAT I'M NOT ALLOWED TO SEE IN THE SHOW ITSELF BECAUSE I WON'T LET MYSELF UNTIL IT'S OVER!!! First it was the Chil(l roomie, you can have another helping)chuck crawling away from the crab on the floor scene AND NOW I KEEP SEEING THE SAME 5 FUCKING GIFS OF CHIMERA FALIN RUNNING AROUND AND RIPPING HER TITS OFF AND ALL OF THEM LOOK MORE IMPRESSIVE THAN WHATEVER DUMBSHIT THAT LOSER LEONARDO DA VINKY MADE IN LIKE 1602 OR WHATEVER!!! Trigger at their peak is like cocaine, I'm like Laios except instead of being gay and autistic for monsters I'm girl gay and autistic for really well animated monsters and also non-monsters, but like well animated monsters specifically get like 10 extra points drawing chicken chimeras is like extra hard and thus extra impressive and also extra hot!

I'm going to fucking tear off all of my skin if I have to resist seeing good animation for 1 more fucking day I can't take it anymore I'M GONNA DIE I'M GONNA ROT AND MELT AND MY CORPSE IS GONNA GROW NUTRITIOUS POISONOUS MUSHROOMS ALL OVER IT!!!

At this point I don't even care about anything else, the amazing story, the characters, the gay gay homosexual, none of it matters to me anymore it's all bonus IT'S ALL WORTHLESS all I need now is to watch that giant chicken climb up a wall and be able to actually stare at it and analyze it and rewatch those 2 seconds over and over for an entire hour and not just be able to scroll past and glance at it and say "no no no i cant see that yet, I must not, I must resist" I DONT CARE ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE I FEEL LIKE IM FUCKING HAVING A SEVERE PRESCRIPTION DRUG WITHDRAWAL There is more lust in my brain for the animation frames than the actual hot monster girl subject of them

Woah hey! Do you think marcille would ask falin if she could soap her tits and then say "wuh hey!" I think she would i think marcille would be a devilman fan and also british

Got out of bed, ate (like a Senshi-aligned producecore foodcel), exercised some, now I'm normal again and can think with common sense and rational logic. And normal me believes EVERYTHING I SAID IS TRUE I STILL STAND BY ALL OF IT EVEN WHILE NORMAL IT'S ALL TRUE EVERYTHING IS TRUE, SHE WAS SO CORRECT!!! AND ANYONE WHO SAYS OTHERWISE IS WRONG AND CAN DIE!!!

I'D FUCK THE SHIT OUT OF THAT CHICKEN!!! non-sexually. and sexually.

[adamwatchesmovies]

Hereditary (2018)

Keen viewers will foresee the ending of Hereditary fairly early on. Having seen the film three times now, I’ve realized that's not a bug; it's a feature. The point is that you see the train coming but you can't move out of its way. With a superb performance by Toni Collette at its center, terrific, inventive cinematography and impeccable direction by Ari Aster (his feature-film debut), it's a joy to examine the filmmaking at work. It also happens to be horrifying.

Following the death of her estranged mother, Annie Graham (Toni Collette) attends a loss support group to try and cope. She’s been sleepwalking again and can't shake the feeling that something's... not right at home.

In class, Annie’s son, Peter (Alex Wolff) isn’t paying attention to his teacher's lesson, but he should be. The students are asked whether it’s more tragic for a hero to know they're doomed but be unable to change their fate, or be unaware of the misfortune awaiting them. This idea is what makes the ending of "Hereditary" work. There’s something about watching people slowly inching their way towards annihilation unsettling. With every passing second, you can feel the walls of their cage tightening. You’re an outsider, powerless to react and when the danger is as intense as it is in Hereditary, you’re glad to be nothing but an onlooker. In the most intense scenes, nothing could be more frightening than the characters turning towards you for help. Of course you would if you could. Annie, Steve (Gabriel Byrne), Peter and Charlie (Milly Shapiro) go through so much you don’t want them to suffer but your curiosity has also gotten the better of you. What’s coming will surely make your skin crawl and your hairs stand on end but you want to see just to be sure. Maybe things will go a different way. Or maybe they’ll go exactly how you expect they will.

Key images in the film fill me with dread just thinking about them. It makes me want to claw my eyes out so I don’t have to see them anymore, which makes me admire the filmmaking even more. The longer you look at this movie, the more things you notice. In many scenes there are symbols hidden in the background, there are things standing in the darkness, recurring images and foreshadowing telling you what’s incoming. It all ties back to that question posed to Peter. The more you see, the more you wonder whether you want the characters to know what you do or if you’d rather they stay ignorant of the doom that awaits them. The recurring theme of decapitation is on its own more than enough to give you the willies.

The performance by Toni Colette turns something you would normally passively watch into a reality you’re forced to confront. Her wails as she cries pierce your chest and wrap their fingers around your heart. Her panic as she pieces together what’s actually going on is palpable even if you don’t quite understand all of the “rules”. This film is quite good at giving you the minimum amount of information required and leaving the rest for your mind to fill in the blanks. If you're the king of person that won’t be able to sleep until you know everything that happened, don't worry. There are a few scenes that spell it out for you. Our lead is so good you’re likely to overlook how well everyone else does with their roles. Milly Shapiro, for instance. You’d never guess A) she was 15 at the time and B) that she’s a perfectly normal teenaged girl. Obviously they used prosthetics to make her look the way she does but she so subtly off you just don’t know what to make of her.

There are certain aspects of the film you could criticize. Hereditary is essentially a modern update on a couple of well-known horror films and a scene during the beginning makes it very easy for you to know this story’s final destination. This may detract from some of the fun but it certainly won’t take away the scares. In fact, it gets more intense, more terrifying upon rewatches because your eyes can focus less on what’s happening in the foreground and more on the stuff hidden in the margins. There’s a brilliant scene with a rolling ball every aspiring horror filmmaker needs to take note of. It's just one example of the many scenes ready to conjure up some recurring nightmares. (March 20, 2020)

[scary-movies-on-netflix]

LATE NIGHT WITH THE DEVIL (2023)

This is a fancy found-footage movie, but first we start off with a little documentary about a 1970s late-night talk show called “Late Night with Jack Delroy.”  We follow his career and learn that he’s a member of “The Grove,” a “Bohemian Grove” knock-off.  Then Jack’s wife dies of lung cancer, despite being a non-smoker!  Jack takes a little break, but then he returns to his show.  Unfortunately, his ratings don’t compare to those of Johnny Carlson (who, if you don’t know, dominated late-night TV for several decades).  The narrator then states that we’re about to watch the footage of Jack Delroy’s Halloween 1977 broadcast.

We then proceed to the meat of the movie, the broadcast of the show, but during commercial breaks we then watch behind-the-scenes discussions.  Anyway:

First Segment: Jacks starts off with his monologue, and we meet his sidekick, Gus.  Jack’s first guest is then some dude named “Christou,” who is a psychic.  Christou performs some readings for the audience, but it’s clear that he’s just a huckster.  However, as his set is ending, he seems to have a real psychic reading!  He mentions someone named “Minnie.”  Cut to commercial!

Second Segment: Jack’s next guest is Carmichael.  He is a former magician, but now he goes around debunking purported psychic phenomena.  He argues a bit with Christou and calls him a fraud.  Christou storms off the stage, but before he can leave he projectile vomits over the stage.  Cut to commercial!

Third Segment: Christou is gone, but now Jack talks about a book called “Conversations with the Devil.”  We watch a film clip of a Satanic cult run by a dude named “Szandor D’Abo.”  Jack then brings out Dr. Jill (the author of the book) and Lilly (the subject of the book).  Lilly was a child member of that cult mentioned in the previous sentence, and she’s just creepy, mostly because she seems to have no social filter and likes to stare at people. 

Fourth Segment: Jack continues to interview Dr. Jill and Lilly, including talking about the demon that apparently lives inside Lilly.  It’s not the main demon of the cult, Abraxas, and Lilly calls it Mr. Wriggles.  Carmichael, the skeptic, expresses skepticism.  Jack eventually browbeats the reluctant Lilly into summoning Mr. Wriggles on-air. 

Fifth Segment: Two chairs are set up on stage for Dr. Jill and Lilly.  Lilly is tied to her chair.  Dr. Jill hypnotizes Lilly, and then the demon appears!  Lilly’s eyes are different, and the skin of her face is cracked.  She speaks with two voices.  She talks about Jack’s past and his dead wife and then speaks profanely.  Dr. Jill slaps the demon out of the Lilly, but then Lilly levitates in the air!  The demon finally leaves and cut to commercial!

Sixth Segment: Before we come back Jack is informed by the producer that the ratings are through the roof!  Back on air, Jack, Dr. Jill, Lilly, and Carmichael argue a bit.  Jack gives Carmichael the chance to prove his point, and Carmichael cajoles Gus, the sidekick, to joining him on stage.  Carmichael shows Gus a little hypnosis wheel, and then he is hypnotized!  Then worms begin to crawl out of Gus’s body.  A huge worm burst out of his face.  Carmichael says, “Dreamer, here!  Awake!” and the worms are gone!  Carmichael explains that he hypnotized the entire audience, not just Gus, and they trot out a TV to watch a replay, where we see Carmichael just talking to Gus about worms.  Lilly is upset and says that maybe they should watch the footage of their demonstration.  Jack bumps the last guess and agrees.  They rewatch Lilly’s possession, and they see that it wasn’t faked!  It actually happened!  They see a single frame where Jack’s dead wife appears behind him as an apparition.  Carmichael is pissed, because he thinks that the entire thing has been set up.

But then the lights go out!  The lights come back and Lilly is surging with energy.  Her head splits open and she is the demon.  Gus tries to banish the demon with his necklace cross, but the demon twists his head around 180 degrees.  Lilly next turns on Dr. Jill and levitates her in the air by her own necklace.  The audience begins to run out as the necklace slices the woman’s neck open.  Carmichael, meanwhile, bows before the demon, but it immolates him.  Jack flees the stage.

He finds himself back at the beginning of the show, and then we step out of the show.  (We can tell because we switch from the old 4:3 TV proportions to the modern wide-screen film proportions.)  We watch scenes from the little opening documentary, but everything is weird and strange.  We see him talking to his wife again, and she accuses him of “forgetting.”  Jack is then at a ceremony of “The Grove,” and a guy in an owl mask hoots at him.  We then see Jack’s wife on her deathbed, and she explains that Jack made a deal with “The Grove” for success, but the cost was her life!  She begs Jack to kill her, because of the pain, and he stabs her with a dagger. 

But we are then back in the TV show.  Jack has stabbed Lilly with the dagger.  Everyone else has been killed by the demon.  Jack says, “Dreamer, here.  Awake,” but he does not wake up.  The transmission ends, and the TV tells us, “So it is done.”

This was good.  Reading up on its production, to include creating a vintage-style set and utilizing both equipment and techniques from a bygone era, you can tell that the entire production was a labor of love, an homage both to horror movies and late night talk shows.  I can remember Johnny Carson.  He was an old dude with a bemused expression who asked guests questions about their new TV shows or movies.  It wasn’t anything too exciting.  This alternate universe version of such a show was fascinating.  The acting and the plot were excellent.  The commercial break segments broke the found footage conceit, by showing us things beyond the camera’s view, but that was a rule worth breaking in this case.  This film was a vision of Jack Delroy’s desperation to be famous and what that cost him.

[julianavalds]

just wanna say the public singing was also an instant skip for me even tho ive rewatched the rest of that scene like 10x it gives worse chills than a horror movie

ajskgdh ikr? and the thing is i love the little conversation that they have afterwards, the 'i love you' and of course the shup up kiss, but public scenes like that just makes my skin crawl, as soon as i found out kate was gonna do that i just noped pretty fast, bless gifmakers for doing such descriptive gifset 'cause that was the only way for me to know what happened before the kiss, and even with gifs is hard for me not to pass by pretty fast, i just focus on what is being said instead of what's happening lol

[dancing-with-the-madmen]

The Massive Aggression of Calico Jack, redux

Several kind souls have complained brought it to my attention that my failure to use cut tags is, in fact, not optimal. I don't have any good reason that I don't use cuts - mostly I'm just throwing these thoughts out here so they don't endlessly rattle around my brain. Frankly, I'm endlessly astonished anyone but me can be arsed to bother wading through them at all. So, after a truly epic tantrum thoughtful consideration, I've decided to edit my longer posts to add cuts. If you've already read them, (may endless blessings rain down upon you) there's no new content (vile lies and calumny. I'm going to take this opportunity to fix errors and add a line here or there, but nothing major). Just making it more scroll-friendly. You'll know it when you see the word "redux" in the title. So without further ado...

I’ve been trying for a while to put my finger on exactly what it is about Our Flag Means Death's Calico Jack that makes me want to crawl out of my skin and smother him to death with my own abandoned ecdysis.

I mean, I normally love me a spurned admirer/cock-blocking ex. Romantic comedies have their beats, and there’s obviously no serious danger the love interest will end up with anyone other than their intended, so I may as well sit back and enjoy the machinations. After all, the course of true love never did run smooth, and these bitches are here to rough some shit up for sure. I also love Will Arnett. Hands down favorite recurring character on 30 Rock. The second best Batman after TAS (fight me). I can even cheerfully bear his Reese’s commercials if I must bear commercials at all.

Real-life Calico Jack? One of my v. favorite pirates. He wore floral-printed cotton from India as a fuck you to the British tax man. He had an affair with Anne Bonny and offered to purchase her divorce when her husband found out. The two ran away together into piracy when Bonny’s husband refused to quit her and had her whipped for her infidelity. Mary Read was part of Jack and Anne’s crew, and possibly their lover. We love a hopeless romantic, possibly polyamorous king. 

So what is it about OFMD Calico Jack that makes him so acutely punchable?

I’ve rewatched the episode several times (oh my v. dears, I really hope this write-up is worth it. I am SO BRAVE to subject myself to this), and I think I’ve finally got it. It’s not just that he’s a loud, vulgar, hectoring, drunken jackass of a bird-murderer. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I have as little patience for his brand of mindless destruction and violence-for-violence-sake as Stede does, but that’s not all.  It’s that he’s also a master of passive aggression.

Jack does the little whisper-y “Sorry! Sorry!” when Stede wants to know what’s with all the cannon fire, but immediately starts grinning like an unrepentant varlet as soon as he drops his hands.

And then accepts Stede’s introductory handshake with clear derision.

When Stede says he wasn’t expecting guests and there’s only two settings at brekkie, Jack doesn’t wait for Stede to sort things out, and he’s already lowering himself into Stede’s chair by the time Stede invites him to take his spot. He then purposefully keeps steering the conversation to topics that exclude Stede from participating, and cuts Stede short when he tries to reign the conversation back.

He insinuates Stede is less of a pirate for being “store bought”

He refuses to get Stede’s name right, even when corrected. Twice.

And is just SO insincere when calling him back.

And, just, the whole pissing contest scene.

But so what? We’ve had other passive aggressive assholes on the show; Badminton with his cracks about Stede’s tiny dick ship, the French captain’s slurs, Gabriel simpering about Jeff the Accountant’s dining manners. I’m not shedding any tears for their respective fates, but none of them made me want to crawl through the screen and sew all their face holes shut. Because Jack isn’t just passive-aggressive (and aggressive-aggressive), he might just be the most savvy reader-of-rooms we see on the show, and purposefully and systematically leverages his passive aggression to manipulate the actions of those around him for the purpose of making Ed and Stede betray their better selves and make them do the work of driving a wedge between themselves.   That was a lot in one sentence.  Let me break it down.

Jack uses passive aggression to achieve one of four goals: to nettle, to undermine, (seemingly paradoxically) to reinforce connections, or to coerce. And, if he can manage to achieve different goals for more than one target with the same attack? So much the better. And he’s frankly just astonishingly good at doing so. Like, I’d admire him for it if it didn’t also make me want to make him swallow all of his own teeth.

The basic gameplan goes thusly (this is not a strictly chronological list, a lot of these tactics take place concurrently and recurrently): Stede is the primary target, so Jack nettles him with passive aggressive comments, which puts him on the back foot and undermines his self-confidence. He reinforces his relationship with Ed in ways that excludes Stede and undermines Stede’s relationship with Ed and Ed’s relationship with Stede. Jack uses coercive tactics with Ed and the crew, which undermines Stede’s relationships with them, isolating and othering Stede, which further tanks his mood, which leads him to self-isolate. When Stede eventually lashes out at Ed for falling for Jack’s bullshit, Ed has no idea what’s got Stede so out-of-sorts; Jack has so carefully lead Ed to making the choices that have alienated Stede that they seem like they were Ed’s ideas in the first place. And if Ed has made the choices to do these things, then they are clearly just a reflection of who he is, which, if Stede is lashing out against them, then Stede is rejecting him. Wedge set and match.

So let’s look at the specifics.

Jack’s interactions with Ed are like a masterclass in neurolinguistic programming for evil. First, he plys Ed with booze from the very start. Just look at the bottle in this shot from right after they blow up the dresser drawer.

That bottle or rum is over half gone, and the sky in the background is the peachy-pink of sunrise. This isn’t the bottle Jack had with him in his dinghy; that one he drained and then threw in the air and tried to shoot before coming aboard the Revenge. Which means that they’ve consumed over half the bottle between just the two of them in a very short amount of time.   Alcohol, of course, is a social lubricant - the physical warmth it produces mimicking the “warm, fuzzy” feeling of true comradery, and, more importantly, decoupling the decision-making process from inhibition (that is to say, Ed isn’t necessarily doing anything he absolutely wouldn’t otherwise do, but he might otherwise think twice).

But it’s more insidious than just having a few drinks with an old friend. Jack specifically gamifies the consumption of alcohol to reinforce the coupling of the feeling of inebriation with the comradery engendered by teamwork and excitement of success in order to encourage Ed to drink more than he necessarily otherwise would. Ed confirms to Stede during his apology that the idea to use the drawers of the armoire for target practice came from Jack, and we saw that a bullseye meant that Jack had to take a drink, but Ed didn’t. Presumably, there would have been some consequence for a “miss”, and it seems likely that it would be Ed has to take a drink and not Jack. In this way, Jack is able to exert a measure of control over how much Ed is drinking (by missing on purpose) while making it look like the responsibility lies with Ed and his skill as a thrower. This pattern of sneakily controlling Ed’s actions while making it seem like Ed is the one who made or is responsible for the decision will pop up again and again during their interactions.

After the apologies for waking Stede, Jack steps into the space where Ed is gesticulating to make himself readily available to be touched, reenforcing the bond between them, but letting Ed be the one to instigate the touching.

At brekkie, he pours rum into Ed’s teacup without asking or being asked while Ed’s attention is diverted by getting food.

Jack’s collaring of the conversation does not just function as a means of making Stede feel excluded, he’s also refreshing and reinforcing the bonds he and Ed forged under adversity. Talking over Stede also demonstrates that what he has to say is more important than anything Stede might contribute.

Note that just before Jack cut him off, Stede had referred to Ed as Blackbeard (“Blackbeard and I met on a ship”). This may be innocently explained away; if you meet a person from a facet of a close friend’s life with which you do not intersect, you might refer to said friend by their given name instead of a nickname that the other person might not know, for the sake of common frame of reference. But this is the opposite of that - referring to a friend by a nickname instead of the given name that you both presumably know. That suggests to me that the seed of the Ed/Blackbeard dichotomy has already been planted in Stede’s mind by the morning’s shenanigans. And when Jack invites Stede back into participating in the conversation by talking about something he knows Stede would find upsetting (the wanton cruelty of Ed purposefully trapping people to be burned alive, couched in what sounds like sincere admiration for his friend’s piratical prowess), Jack has picked up on that distinction and is leaning into it HARD. He WANTS Stede to see Ed as a collection of behaviors he finds palatable, and Blackbeard as a collection of behaviors he finds repulsive, and then coerce Ed into performing those “Blackbeard behaviors” in order to coerce Stede to drive the wedge by rejecting him. Fucking diabolical.

When Jack is calling Stede a “big girl,” or “store-bought,” or purposefully getting his name wrong, he’s not just throwing barbs that play on Stede’s insecurities (and with such harrowing precision, too; calling on the effeminacy for which he was tormented as a child, his body image issues that we’ve also seen him struggle with under the tender mercies of Badminton - both brain-ghost and original flavor - and the authenticity of his claim to piracy, which we’ve seen him confess that he fears he’s ill-qualified to claim to Jim, Oluande, and Ed. I mean,triple bullseye for this fucking guy). He’s also using these public declarations to undermine Stede’s authority in front of his crew, and establish himself as the real authority on things like piracy and masculinity. He further reinforces this idea by withholding the story of how he saved Ed’s life under the guise of false modesty; people never want something more than when they’re told they can’t have it. And what they’re being told they can’t have is the story of how Jack was so amazing that he even managed to save the life of the coolest, most legendary pirate they know. This withholding primes the crew to think even more highly of Jack and hang on his every word.

This puts Jack into a position where he can pressure the crew into things that sound fun at first blush (like diving off the yardarm or having a snowball fight, but with coconuts), but end up hurting more than anything. Of course, within this dynamic, no one wants to admit they aren’t having a good time, or don’t want to do it; to do so would be tantamount to admitting you are less of a man or not a real pirate. So when Stede refuses to participate, or admits his discomfort or disgust with the proceedings, he’s doing Jack’s work for him, and further alienating himself, and solidifying the roles Jack had put into place where Jack is the fun, cool guy, and Stede is the killjoy that no one should listen to.

Stede unwittingly plays right into Jack’s design when he tries to stand up for himself and wrest back a modicum of respect before things get too far out of hand. He’s well-versed in the world of passive aggression, and sees what Jack is doing. He also knows that you can’t call it out because passive aggression comes with a built in cover of plausible deniability gaslighting. So instead, he tries to push back with a little passive aggression of his own, suggesting that a real pirate has a ship and a crew. Sadly, Stede is not nearly so adroit at wielding passive aggression as Jack is. Jack uses the story (and we know that Izzy sent him, so I wouldn’t be surprised if the whole mutiny thing is just a story; I could even easily read that slight hesitation after Stede asks his question as Jack deciding on what would be the most effective cover story, instead of hesitancy to admit to something shameful) of his crew’s mutiny to casually re-sow the idea of mutiny on the Revenge. It’s played for comedy when the crew starts talking about how they almost mutinied on Stede and probably will again, but you can’t tell me this hasn’t been a major concern for Stede ever since the first episode. So Jack’s not only got the crew trying to buoy his spirits by assuring him that his crew mutinying on his doesn’t mean he’s a bad person; it’s just something that happens! He’s also got them low-key committing to a future mutiny WITHIN EARSHOT OF STEDE.

Additionally, while Stede is well-steeped in the ways of passive aggression, his crew and Ed are not. They are not particularly sophisticated at identifying passive aggression on its own merits as opposed to the reaction it provokes, which can make it look like they don’t care when it’s being leveraged against Stede, undermining his ability to trust they will look out for him. Stede stoically putting up with Jack’s jibes makes them even more difficult to identify as hurtful. Jack’s (fake) emotional reaction to Stede’s sally might make him look momentarily weak, but allows Ed and the crew to unequivocally identify who is in the wrong and react accordingly. By positioning himself as a victim, he villainizes Stede, further undermining Stede’s authority, and placing him in a position where he owes Jack recompense. Thus, Jack is able to manipulate Stede into the trap of Dead Man’s Cove and make it look like it was Stede’s own idea. I mean, the Xanatos Speed Chess of it all.

What’s heartbreaking to me is how Jack’s wedge-driving and othering of Stede is working so well that at this point we start to hear it from other sources. As they approach the island and Stede suggests going for a swim or taking a nature walk, Ed is the one who tells him, “I think with this crowd, I think they want something a little more…” Not Jack would want something more exciting, this crowd. Jack’s exclusionary rhetoric out of Ed’s mouth.

Which is exactly the time Jack decides to up the ante.

I want to take a minute to look at the immediate lead up to yardies, because I think it’s an excellent illustration of how Jack looks like a lumbering boor, but his actions are actually so carefully considered and nuanced. He runs up from behind Stede and Ed and throws his arms around them shouting “Yardies!” literally insinuating himself between them, which interrupts anything that was going on between them, puts them off balance, and focuses the attention on him. Then, when he says “Who’s up for yardies?” he makes eye-contact with Ed - the implicit social expectation being “You, Ed, are up for yardies.” When he turns to Stede, it is to literally laugh in his face. I mean, the absolute cheek.

Until this point, the crew of the Revenge have been passive participants in Jack’s hooliganry. They watched him perform whippies, and got whipped at without encouraging him to do so. They listened to his and Ed’s stories. But now Jack is cashing in on his established expertise of what real pirates do to coerce the crew into taking part in a dangerous stunt. It’s more of the “Blackbeard behavior” dichotomy he started sowing in Stede’s mind at brekkie, but now he’s extending it beyond Ed to the whole crew. He wants Stede to feel like he’s all alone in a sea of idiocy, but he wants him to come to the conclusion on his own by making it seem like Ed and the crew are doing things of which he would disapprove of their own accord.

Once we get to the island, we see the activities take a turn from the careless Jackass-ery of whippies and yardies to the abject cruelty of turtle vs. crab. There’s no saying that Jack organized the fight, but we do see the crew handing him various trinkets to be used in gambling on a winner, which certainly suggests he was the central figure in how the game was established. We also see that, though he has been presenting himself as a drunkard, there’s no bottle in his hand or around him in the sand. There is, however, one in Ed’s hand, who is directly to his side. I can easily see him handing it off so he could handle the gambling stakes, the real intention being to keep Ed readily supplied with booze.

And then we have the pissing contest. Jack’s got Stede literally and metaphorically isolated, and now it’s time to really drive it all home. Every moment of their interaction is designed to drive Stede to distraction; the amount of derision he lays on the phrase “Your good, close buddy,” the insinuation that he and Ed are just alike, and then being as rude and crass as possible. And because he’s read the room - the intimate breakfast for two, Ed’s little touches and the way Stede smiles at them, the way they keep going off together for little chats - of course Jack’s just got to twist the knife and allude to his and Ed’s former sexual history. So now that he’s got Stede primed, it’s time to name the fear: “Maybe you don’t know him at all.”

At this point, Stede is left to wonder: does he? Blackbeard’s reputation preceded him, after all. And he’s been acting so differently since the appearance of one of his oldest friends. It’s not the violence qua violence, per se; Stede is by turns delighted and impressed by the violence he’s seen Ed and his crew employ in the heat of battle in the pursuit of piracy. It’s the cruel and senseless violence that Stede objects to, and that’s exactly the brand that Jack has been peddling, and which Ed has gone along with so enthusiastically. And it’s not JUST the violence; Ed apologizes for Jack when he recognizes Jack has crossed a line in a typically agro way (destroying Stede’s belongings, and insulting Stede to his face), but it never occurs to Stede that his insistence on persevering with quietly aggrieved dignity in the face of Jack’s slights would make it nigh impossible for Ed to identify that Jack has crossed all sorts of other lines, and Stede is hurting because of it. For Stede, it must be frustrating and mystifying why Ed keeps letting his friend get away with his passive aggressive bullshit. Doesn’t he care? 

Is it any wonder that one more failure to notice how Jack has riled him, and one more act of coconut-flavored Jackass-ary is enough to break the dam, and for Stede to spill all that built-up hurt on Ed?  Is it any wonder that Ed is bewildered at where all this is coming from? I’ve talked before about Ed’s tendency to fawn on people, and how, as an emotional chameleon, he would have difficulty identifying when the motivation for his actions is self-directed or externally dictated. Jack has further confounded this distinction by manipulating scenarios to make it seem like participation in all the Jackass-ary he has instigated was voluntary instead of coerced. When Stede says “I don’t like who you are around  this guy” what he means is “I don’t like how this guy is able to manipulate you into acting on your very worst impulses”, but what Ed hears is “I don’t like you”. For who is he, if not the collection of behaviors he chooses to exhibit? And were those choices not entirely his to make? With the rift clearly established, if in its infancy, of course Jack is going to do everything he can to foster its growth. So again, he interrupts Stede, again implicitly signaling that Ed should pay attention to what he says and not Stede. By lobbing the coconut at Ed at that moment, he forestalls any possible clearing of the air between Ed and Stede, and causes Ed to literally turn his back on Stede, in the way Ed feels Stede has emotionally turned his back on him just moments earlier. Jack reinforces this idea of turning his back on Stede again moments later when he says “Don’t go!” and immediately turns Ed around by the shoulders.

I know that I’ve been laying it on a bit thick and prolly sound like the written embodiment of the red string conspiracy meme, but I’m about to get a whole lot worse, and I’m going to ask you to stick with me, oh my v. dears. I think Jack killed Karl on purpose.

I know, I know. It was an accident! He was flailing drunkenly! But was he?

Have we seen him take so much as a single drink since the cannon fire at the beginning of the episode? Even though he’d been drinking earlier, did he not have devastating precision and accuracy when he first demonstrated Whippies - shattering every glass, snapping the cards from the Swede’s fingers, and ball-tapping Ed without permanently maiming him or even splitting the leather of his pants? In fact, while nearly every other crew member on the deck has a bottle in hand, just like on the beach, Jack does not.

Jack knows he has to get Ed off the ship before the British show up, but he can’t just say “Let’s ditch these losers” and expect Ed to agree, especially since he’s spent most of the day roping the crew into his schemes. The most effective way to get Ed to follow is if Jack is rejected for just being himself and doing what he does, just like Ed feels he was earlier by Stede. I think the original plan was to goad Olu into seriously hurting the Swede, the fallout of which would be recriminations that Jack made them do it, and Jack getting aggrieved that he was just trying to show this ungrateful lot how to have a good time, skulking off and leading Ed to follow him and reassure him that he’s really a good guy - how could he have known it would turn out like that? But when Buttons calls a halt to the proceedings and it looks like everyone is going to pack it in, Jack has to think fast. If HE maims a crew mate, that would be a bridge too far, painting him as the bad guy. But Karl? He’s just a bird. And if Jack can get a little revenge on the weird bird guy who made him change his plan, so much the better. AND, as people with far fewer auditory processing issues than I have pointed out, Jack mutters that he expected there to be more feathers. Could the evidence be any more damning?

Of course the whole ship turns on him, and then here’s Stede to order him off, explicitly rejecting him the way he metaphorically rejected Ed. But when even that isn’t enough to get Ed to follow him, Jack pulls out one last, desperate manipulation - the debt of life.

Jack’s tragic flaw is that he can’t turn it off. Once he and Ed are alone, he turns his passive aggressive assault on Ed, pressuring him into drinking the morning away by sarcastically saying he didn’t know he had an audience with the pope when Ed expresses disinterest, and, ultimately, giving up the game when he mentions with casual derision how he’d heard of Ed shaking up with Stede, and then deriding Ed for his failure to spot Jack’s machinations.

Too bad Jack didn’t know that the punishment for passive-aggressive fuckery on this show is death…

[luvnsith]

stevexfem

god i am so in love with him rn. anyway can i pretty please request? friend to lovers mayhaps. that one scene of steve and robin inside the comfort room during s3 but instead of robin it's steve and the reader? and it's the reader who confesses to steve. it's up to you if steve will confess to right there and then ORRRR wait until all the shit's over. THANK U SO MUCH

ₓ˚. ୭ ˚○◦˚.˚◦○˚ ୧ .˚ₓ

a/n: HI LOVE, thanks for the req! honestly i had to go back and rewatch the scene for this so i hope i did something right 🧘‍♀️ sorry for any mistakes!

pairing: steve harrington x reader

warnings: none, cussing if that counts

ₓ˚. ୭ ˚○◦˚.˚◦○˚ ୧ .˚ₓ

steves strained laugh echoed throughout the tile covered room, making you smile to yourself where you sat on the floor in the stall adjacent to him.

“oh my god, im going to pretend you totally didn’t just ask me if my hair is real.” he snorted.

you shrugged, even if he couldn’t see you, “well how am i supposed to know, its been looking real wig like recently.” and suddenly again, his laughter filled the room like music, brightening the darkest corners and making the best out of a bad situation.

you leaned your head to the side to feel the coolness of the tile, hoping it would ease the pain you were currently in when steve spoke up again. “since youre interrogating me… its my turn.”

you giggled slightly, “okay harrington, ask away.”

“have you ever been in love?”

your heart stopped completely, the question catching you off guard and your skin suddenly far more clammy than before as you slowly turned your head to face the stall he was in, “love? you’re really asking me about that at a time like this?”

steve sighed and closed his eyes, “okay fine jesus, i thought that was gonna be like a heartfelt thing you know? i mean- fine whatever i’ll ask somet-”

“i have- uh i have been in love…” you spoke softly, cutting him off before he could continue rambling. “only once though.”

steve whistled lowly, “who’s the lucky guy eh? please don’t tell me that it’s the guy with the shitty mullet in radio shack!”

you broke out into a laugh that made steve’s heart race, his own face morphing into a grin.

“it’s not that shitty…”

“are you really lying to yourself right now?”

you laughed again, harder this time, “okay fine, it’s super shitty, it’s so uneven, honestly it’s kinda gross…”

“okay okay okay,” he sighed, leaning against the toilet, “enough about shitty mullet guy, who is it really?”

you pursed your lips and inhaled through your nose, praying this conversation would end sooner so you didn’t have to say anything at all. you tried to be as quiet as you could, hoping he would just drop it until you saw steve’s messy hair and bruised face poke out from underneath the stall.

you gave him a look of disgust, “what the hell are you doing?”

he grunted as he crawled underneath, trying to cram himself in the stall with you, “you stopped talking.. thought you died or some shit.. i dunno.” he pushed his hair out of his face and looked at you expectantly.

you rolled your eyes and focused on your worn out shoes before you spoke again, much quieter than all the times before, “you cannot laugh at me steve.”

he shook his head, his mass of messy hair swaying, “i swear.”

you gulped before continuing, “he has the kind of charm to make everyone in a room stare his way, girls of all sorts, you know popular girls… book worms… even me. honesty i didn’t think it would go past a silly school crush but then…,” you furrowed your brows and played nervously with the hem of your shorts, “it did… summer began and i started following his every move, watching these idiotic movies, listening to his sort of crappy music, watching him do his obnoxious hair for some girl he wouldn’t like in a week and doing these completely insane things like decoding russian messages just to be around him, because that’s who we are, we’re best friends.” when you looked up, steve was staring at you, not a single identifiable emotion on his face.

“he’s the kind of guy to love a girl completely and wholeheartedly. what’s worse is that he’s passionate about what he does, who he wants to be seen as. and he is a total klutz who works at an ice cream shop and is friends with this strange group of middle schoolers and far more stupid than any simple guy, because to me, he isn’t just a guy. he’s…he’s you …steve…it was you since day one, and it’ll be you until the day i die.” you whispered, breaking the eye contact and looking down at your lap.

the entire bathroom fell silent again, the very faint plop of water falling making you wish you could disappear into the wall, be completely absorbed until you were gone and steve was alone, because you couldn’t stand his silence and partly because you thought he could hear the loud thumping of your heart trying to beat out of your chest.

“say it.” he spoke quietly, his voice uneven.

you sighed, annoyance bubbling underneath your skin as you looked up at him.

“say you love me.” he shifted closer to you, your knee now touching his own, and neither of you moving away.

you rolled your eyes, anger seeping through your words, “why are you making me say this, it’s emb-”

“please.” he whispered, his eyes pleading, and suddenly it felt as though you could know every emotion he was feeling just by the way he was staring at you.

you inhaled shakily and spoke softly, “i love you.” and as soon as the words left your mouth, you could see steve visibly relax, the tension leaving his shoulders and all his worries seemingly floating away.

before you could say anything else he was leaning forward, his own hand lacing itself with yours and his lips finding your own. the kiss was soft, gentle, nothing forceful or crude, just a simple innocent kiss. it began to feel like more than a kiss to you, it was a confession, a signal, a sign that he felt the same way. and it made you light up inside like a christmas tree, every nerve going off, butterflies being let loose, and pure unfiltered happiness seeping into your veins, all because of steve.

he was the first to pull away, a light blush across his features, a smile etched onto his features as he rested his forehead against your own.

“i love you too.”

[minorfamilysupremacy]

this post is largely for @therealblessedaffliction bc i can’t stop thinking about that scene on the balcony between gun and vegas, so:

when you rewatch that scene, it is so immediately apparent how deep the abuse goes, and how fucked up it is that gun is tasking his son with this mission. gun knows full well who porsche is and what kind of political points securing porsche’s loyalties/affections would net him. it’s possibly one of the most vile things he does, which is saying something considering everything else he does onscreen, because this isn’t using vegas as a way to secure a business deal or otherwise benefit the minor family in some way. this is all personal and a way to strike back at korn. 

the weird thing is that while pete is correct that gun beats vegas because he feels like he’s a disappointment and he needs to take out his own pain on his son, he’s not entirely correct. gun also beats vegas because he needs to strip vegas of his humanity. if he’s broken enough, he’s easier to control/manipulate into doing the family’s dirty business because he can be bought off with the idea of approval and praise. he can be warped into thinking his entire value to the family, and indeed as a person, is tied to what he can do or bring to the table. he is not valuable as a person; he is valuable as a weapon or attack dog. (’everyone just knows i’m vegas from the minor family’ is a hell of a line because no one sees vegas as a person. ‘vegas from the minor family’ is shorthand for a ruthless, violent specter who will kill without remorse. less of a person than an idea.)

gun would have started this early, back when vegas was small enough to be at his most malleable psychologically, because it would have been less work than trying to break a child old enough to have gotten a backbone or willpower. (how much influence his mom had on trying to avoid this, i’m not sure, because i don’t know how old vegas was when she died. we do know that gun has nothing but malice for her, though -- ‘you’re just as stupid as your mother’ -- and that line suggests that vegas was close to her. it’s very obviously chosen as a line gun knows will hurt vegas to the core.) he couldn’t be initiated into a lot of the very, very dirty work -- torture, contract killings, etc -- until he was a little older, but i have zero doubt he was witness to things very early just to desensitize him and make sure he had no illusions about his future. immersing him in all of this would have been only a practical decision (writing those words made my skin crawl), but also would have been a great abuse tool because it would have isolated vegas from his peers. by virtue of being a theerapanyakul, he already would have had a certain degree of isolation, but then making sure he doesn’t ever breathe a word of his horrific home life to the kids around him? yeah, that’s a breeding ground for an angry, lonely kid who will never learn to form connections. maybe he had a close relationship with his cousins, but maybe not! it’s impossible to tell from what we’re given. (what we know: 1) as adults, they fucking hate each other; 2) korn and gun have a vested interest in sowing discord between the families to keep up the competitive edge. to me, any potential childhood closeness would have been snuffed out as the kids got older when they needed to be more fully slotted into their future roles.)

so from a very young age, vegas would have been taught to distrust, judge, and keep his distance from others. human kindness, frailty, weakness -- those aren’t things he would be allowed to indulge in. he would have had to crush out whatever emotions weren’t practical for survival.

the dehumanization is already underway. strip a little kid of the safety and support they need to grow and thrive and you’re giving them an unstable sense of self and damaging their ability to self-soothe because they don’t learn that skill without guidance. constantly being in danger of abuse is going to keep vegas in constant fight-or-flight mode. he would live only for the recognition and praise of others, because he had nothing of his own to fall back on. gun’s approval, or lack thereof, would shape how he viewed himself as a person.

any kid is going to grow up inherently and instinctively craving love and affection. it’s just how humans are wired. if they aren’t receiving it, though, that’s where they can branch out into any of a hundred different maladaptive coping mechanisms. in vegas’ case, he was given the tool of violence and a half-formed hope of approval. and a lot of abuse victims become violent not only bc they’re mirroring their abuser’s actions (which, obviously, vegas does do), but also because violence is control and it gives them the illusion they’ve asserted some power over their lives. he did not choose to become violent in a vacuum; gun systematically dismantled him as a person and then, in a sick fucking gesture of ‘assistance,’ gave him a path forward by making him a killing machine. and best of all, vegas can’t even see himself as human, so seeing the humanity in others is almost an impossibility. he’s perfect for what gun needs him to be, not that gun would let him know that because it would undo all the work he put into molding vegas for his own ends.

everything vegas knows of human nature and humanity is based on observation, but what he’s observed (and been a victim of) is how to break people. how to spot and exploit weaknesses. he knows how to wheel and deal, he knows how to get people to talk, he knows how to unravel someone and bring them to their knees. he knows how to see people the way other people see him -- zeroing in on what’s valuable about them, like information or influence, and discarding the rest. (look at the infamous ‘head, chest, or heart’ scene from episode 14. porsche and vegas have shared a quasi-friendship at various points throughout the series, but when it comes to this moment, porsche isn’t a person, he’s an easy way to hurt kinn.)

and part of the reason vegas is good at this is not just because he’s violent. yeah, a lot of guys are gonna talk if you rip out their cochlea. but that doesn’t always work! the torture briefcase is not made for the boardroom. you need a lighter, defter touch for that. you need diplomacy.

or, if you’re a theerapanyakul, you just need a vulnerable teenage boy you’re comfortable sacrificing. 

how often did gun pimp vegas out? the novel might say, who knows. i have a feeling it was a lot. for all we know, it’s still happening up until gun’s death. but what better way to show off your broken vanity project than to serve him up to god-knows-how-many powerful men in bangkok and, frankly, probably in plenty of other places as well. vegas is a beautiful man; he would have been a beautiful kid, with that delicate bone structure and that bottomless desire to please. and when he’s, what, 14, 15, 16 (again, vomiting while i write it), he’s a wonderful target for powerful men who want to feel young and in control. if he fights it, it’s more satisfying to break him; if he gives in, he can be easily reshaped into what they best desire. and gun condoned it. korn condoned it. (and if tensions hadn’t already broken the main and minor cousins apart, this would sure do it.) it gets them results; it provides an easy source of blackmail if someone tries to get out of line.

and best of all, it reinforces everything gun has been telling vegas his entire life! it continues to tie his value to what he can do and not who he is, it isolates him, it dehumanizes him and strips him of agency, and it provides more evidence to support a bleak, nihilistic outlook. gun’s outsourcing the abuse to supplement what he’s dishing out. and korn’s condoning it deepens the rift between the two families, thus ensuring that the rivalry won’t sputter out any time soon. (he pours so much poison into the ears of his family and associates, too. pete saying korn isn’t cruel isn’t intentionally malicious by any stretch, but he could have dealt less damage by directly stabbing vegas in the heart. ‘isn’t my fucking life because of this?’ isn’t just about being in hiding; it’s about how within the confines of the theerapanyakul family, he’s always been the most convenient scapegoat for their worst offenses.)

BUT. but! vegas is incredibly resilient. he weathers, quite frankly, an unimaginable amount of shit through his life and yet, as we see in the safehouse, he has kept that terrified, lonely inner child safe all these years. it’s battered and fragile, but still reacts to pete’s gentle -- and perhaps unintentional? -- coaxing. this is different from the side of himself he shows to macau, because with macau, he has to be a caretaker and protector. obviously, with pete, he still engages in caretaker behaviors, but he has an admittedly VERY warped perception of them as more of emotional equals. (it, of course, takes pete losing his shit at vegas for vegas to realize how many of the dehumanizing behaviors he’s been subjected to are now being passed to pete. it genuinely doesn’t occur to him until pete is sobbing and bleeding profusely how hurtful his actions are because he’s normalized them so fucking much over the years. he had no choice, of course, but say it with me AGAIN: intent does not negate impact.)

both actions -- pete’s bringing vegas’ humanity to light, and vegas’ realization of how hurtful denying pete’s humanity is -- come back to one very simple point: gun lost. even before he ended up dead in the main house, he’d failed at one of his life’s most crucial missions, which was to make his son the perfect weapon to destroy the main family. he spent vegas’ entire life abusing him on every conceivable level, only to have someone come into vegas’ life and realize that not every piece of him had been irreparably broken. the delicious irony is that gun trained vegas to build wall after wall and shut out person after person, but in the end, it was those same walls that allowed vegas to keep his truest, most honest self safe. gun wanted to make his son a weapon of war, and he did. he just forgot that a shield can be a weapon, too.