#revealing extremely too much about myself on this post please do NOT find my job

[anothershittyaccount]

Have any of you made a "contract" with your partner and found it helpful? Basically thinking having something written down with clear boundaries, expectations and consequences listed could be beneficial. Or is it beyond hopeless if you at the point where you have to draft a relationship framework and impose "consequences"? This would be my final attempt at trying to navigate this situation before calling it quits.

I'm at the end of my rope and simultaneously one of our dogs (my personal property per divorce findings) has stage 4 melanoma and a few weeks to 2 months max. I've decided to acquire a new dog so my other dog wont be lonely and I've paused my job and studies to basically devote these coming days to giving my dog a peaceful death and nurturing this new puppy I'm welcoming into my home.

My partners sexual addiction keeps on pulling them back in every few months... dday was october, with the full reveal in december. They have had no sexual relations since february, but they keep on talking to people related to AP and AP's family and friends every few months and I just want nothing to do with these people. If you are done with AP, you are done with everyone connected to them.

I cant be any more explicit that anyone connected to the AP's is not to be communicated and if I find out it happens one more time, my partner will need to vacate our house in 10 days. If I catch them in a lie pertaining to communication with AP or AP affiliates, they must vacate the same day. Those are literally my only boundaries. Partner thinks I'm controlling but literally just saying not to talk to the 4 AP's and anyone they know (approximately 200 people per AP), so like just saying of our planet of 8 billion, please dont talk to these select 800. Is that overreaching? Am I asking too much?

My partner on the other hand has a list of about a dozen things, all behavoirs she wants me to stop which I'm more than happy to comply with. The issues she lists only occur when I find out she is in communication or lying about being in communication with the AP or the AP's people. I lash out when I inevitably discover the lie and call her or her AP's hurtful and petty names. If she does not deceive me and stops prioritizing maintaining connections connected with the AP, her boundaries wouldn't be violated.

Situation is toxic, and with the dogs impending death, our divorce, and navigating this new norm post breach of trust I feel like its 1 step forwards 10 steps back at least once a month. Partner says its an addiction of a sexual nature, kind of like a combination of the rush you get from drugs or gabbling. They have made strides to minimize relapses but I feel like the effort is minimal or should be more... but having lost many loved ones to addiction, I am very empathetic to the struggles and I guess I just don't know when enough is enough.

Having 18 years together, she's been with me through so many of my own personal and plentiful struggles so I feel like I owe her the decency of sticking by her while she works through this. I feel like she deserves the same amount of compassion and time she gave me, and she has given me way more than 9 months worth of support so while I'm hurting now I just want to weather the storm and try and hold on to hope and cling to the faith and positive moments, of which there are plenty.

Simultaneously, my partner knows me extremely well so it's all just possible that she really knows how to appeal to my emotions and draw me in, giving me a little bit of hope to lead me on with no intention of following through long term. But that could be my doubt and insecurity talking? I just feel like all the trauma has turned me into a paranoid shell of my former self and I'm not acting like myself, I feel like I'm going crazy every time I new lie pertaining to AP's is revealed- it brings me right back to the raw emotions of day one.

Anyone have creative approaches to navigating this journey and trying to bebuild the trust when it continues to be violated due to their addiction? Having struggled with mental health issues myself, I know its not something that can be overcome overnight so should I give her the same amount of time she gave me in support over the years or what? Just feel so many mixed messages internally and from external forces. And I do have hope, but am I just being delusional too and roped into her delusions?

[cappulcino]

YES, a thousand times, to all of this.

I mean what the actual fuckity fuck, people?

I have never got too involved in fandoms, left many of them when I was younger. But I thought it would be different with Gwendoline's fans because I thought I would find other people like me –outcasts, to say the least– united under a common goal: kindness, tolerance and respect. Because this is what Gwendoline preaches every day of her life, and how can you call yourself a fan of hers if you do not make these qualities your priority, right? So I thought it would be different this time, but if this is the sick, perverted underlying reality, then I don't want it.

And here I was, panicking at the idea that I might be weird or too obsessed with her, in an unhealthy way. But goodness me, far from it, apparently! I'll be there sitting for hours before daring to comment under one of her posts in case my overflowing love for her makes her uncomfortable, knowing full well my comment will be drowned among hundreds of others and she'll probably never see it, while there are people who actually never think about the possibility that she'll read what they wrote and the disastrous consequences their words can have?

Because, sure, she doesn't know nor cares about 95% of us, and she has so many better things to do than spend her days checking social media –which makes your disgusting commenting even more ludicrous like, who are you talking to? The air? Nevertheless, she still might read your comments, see your stories, or come across your posts, and they very well might make her uncomfortable or hurt her. How –no, please, seriously, tell me how– can you not care? Yes, she is a celebrity, it's part of her job to be exposed to the public opinion and criticism, and I'm sure she's seen it all. But that doesn't mean she's shielded and impervious to pain. She is human first and foremost! An actual human being with emotions! Who do you think you are to comment on Gwendoline's private life, sexuality, looks, body, etc.? Has it ever crossed your mind that these comments can hurt her, her friends and family just as much as it could hurt you or any other random person? I am absolutely APPALED by what @vivendraws shared and by what a quick subsequent research has revealed. Have y'all lost your mind? I swear I almost cried and threw up.

The amount of jealously and hatred I saw, especially towards Giles, repels me. I mean, are you allowed to think he's X, Y, Z? Sure, why not, go ahead; you can't help your feelings*. But you don't know him! You only see what Gwendoline and Giles allow us to see –aka, not much, thank God– or what the media share –also not much and really biased. What you do know, though, is that he makes Gwendoline happy, that she is his muse, and that he always does everything he can to make her feel beautiful and confident in her body with the looks he creates for her. Look at the way she smiles when she talks about him and his designs! That should be the most only important thing! And either way, even if you wanted to share this useless jealousy of yours –which, really, please... hold back on the internet, for everybody's sake–, there's a huge difference between "Man, I wish that was me," and a public, unapologetic "Ew, Gwendoline, your man looks like trash." Like, do you realize that fandoms can potentially have the power to destroy couples and impact a celebrity's mental health? Is that what you want?

*Side note: I'm going to be completely honest here, I myself first started thinking, "Ugh, Giles is... bleh." But I realized 1. that I was extremely biased by my own sexuality and absolute fear of men, and 2. that I had actually never seen a couple in love before in my life –sad thing, I know– and that's why I was so weirded and grossed out by it. But I love Gwendoline so much that the only thing that matters to me is that she's happy. And since she truly seems to be with him, I started changing my mindset, and so should all the people who think ill of Giles. Be better people!

Also, would it be a win for the LGBTQ+ community if Gwendoline was a part of it? Maybe. She would surely represent yet another minority and be even more of a role model to many people. And considering many things, I wouldn't be surprised if she was bisexual. But for the love of God in Heaven, it isn't anybody's place to publicly speculate, let alone to express their wishes and unrealistic fantasies! And who cares? That doesn't change who she is as an actress nor as a public figure! She is with a man who makes her extremely happy. Deal with it.

Now, to learn that those speculations and debates over her private life and sexuality also come with a sexualization of her body just makes my stomach turn. I haven't seen those types of comment (yet), so I'll take the original poster's word for it, but this is sickening, especially the whole thing about the various nude photographs and the bunny shoot. Yes, I know Gwendoline said she didn't regret doing those and that it helped her with her image –maybe it can help you too, I know for some reason it helped me with my own image. But she did say she would never do this again, which shows a certain discomfort, and it remains sensitive content regardless. So stop. sharing. them! For goodness' sakes, you shouldn't even have them saved on your phone! And you definitely cannot go to autograph sessions with those –or any NSFW edit/drawing of her and her characters for that matter– for her to sign; this is blatant disrespect!

And when the whole –opinions on her private life, sexuality and body– is expressed and used in the writing of fanfictions, that's when I lose my fucking mind. Fanfictions with real people?! Wake up, this is mental! I repeat: celebrities are first and foremost human beings!

I'm sure we all dream of meeting Gwendoline –or other celebrities we love–, and who wouldn't want to be this lovely woman's friend? Maybe you even have a crush on her, and it's not your fault you feel this way. We all dream that our favorite celebrities would notice us, it's normal –especially for younger people out there! And here's a list of what you can do about it:

*Create cute and respectful content that could catch her attention

*Daydream

*Write about it in a diary –and keep it to yourself

*Talk to one of those AI bots if that's your thing

*And the best option: try to go meet her during conventions because taking time for us is her job, not a hobby nor obligation, and she deserves the respect, the security provided by venues and staff, and the financial compensation.

But here's a list of what you cannot do:

*Spam her social media accounts

*Stalk her, be it online or IRL

*Interrupt her if you spot her with friends, family, or Giles in a restaurant/bar/other public space

*And write freaking NSFW fanfictions about her –in which you change her body, sexuality, personal information, and in which you put her in weird or suspicious scenarios– that you then carelessly share on the Internet.

And then to think that these writings and edits are created by or advertised to minors... Are you insane, folks?! Not only is this disrespectful to Gwendoline, but this is also dangerous for the younger, immature minds –and I can already hear 16 year-olds coming to say they can handle it... No you can't. If you're a minor creating this type of content: please, stop and live your teenage life, learn about actual, real human relationships and connections. And if you're an adult who lets their NSFW –sometimes violent– content reach a minor audience: go to the nearest convenience store see if they don't sell a damn conscience for you to buy!

My rant is probably going to get lost on this app as I just joined, have no followers, and only recently became a fan of Gwendoline's, but I have to say this –and I'd have so much more to say, to be honest. I truly feel a profound anger and I am ready to fight anyone who disagrees with what the original post says.

Gwendoline would be disappointed, disgusted and even pained by such behaviors!

Now, I still hope I can make friends among her fans to obsess over her and be weird with, I really do –on this lighter note, don't hesitate to reach out, hi! But if you're part of this lot, stay as far as you can from me, lest you regret what I might say to you.

making an important announcement about some things i’ve noticed in the gwendoline christie fandom that really bug me.

disclaimer: read this at your own convenience and discretion. i am not responsible for any sort of hurt feelings and frankly… i don’t care. if you’re mad about this, you are probably the problem. /lh

to start with id like to begin on a positive note so that i’m not diving into negativity, i don’t want to be completely negative about my experiences because i’ve actually met some of the kindest people in the world through this fan base.

the gwen fandom, the gwandom, the gwendoline christie fandom , the lesbian cesspool, has been an incredible experience that i’m grateful i’ve had the pleasure of being apart of.

i went through a rough patch during november, and if i hadn’t found out about gwen, or met such wonderful people during my time here , i honestly wouldn’t be here right now. i owe my life to these people, gwen included. i will forever adore miss christie and what she stands for alongside the friends i’ve made along the way.

and while i know someday this hyperfix will end, it’s really disheartening to me when a fandom is what makes me grow distant from things i enjoy. it happened before, i feel as though it is happening all over again.

and no, i’m not taking issue with anything like the catrissa stuff or the brienne and larissa ship going around or anything like that. i like that we can all be weird together and enjoy aus like catrissa and crackships like bririssa (not sure the official name that was decided lol). my issue is the amount of content i’ve seen that either focuses on gwen herself, or the strange relationship with minors, or the odd artwork of gwen, and the absolute disgusting behaviour towards giles.

gwen would be absolutely appalled seeing fanfictions of herself that involve nsfw or just her in general, anyone would, it’s disgusting to make works of real people in that setting. it’s like you’re treating them as an original character you can mould and manipulate as you see fit and using someone who is real with thought and feeling and consciousness for smut fics is not okay, or any fic in general. i totally get the hype around her characters, i literally have “brienne’s princess” in my bio and i’ve had “jane murdstone’s bloodbag” (in reference to my vamp au) as a name in a discord server.

but i think the fandom has begun to blur the lines between fictional characters and reality settings when it comes to gwen and the personalities she portrays on the television screen. it’s not fair to her. it’s disgusting. i’ve seen a minor do it, i’ve seen a grown adult do it. it’s something i don’t see shamed and frowned upon often enough and it’s really not okay.

on that note i’d like to quickly mention the photos, we alllll know what photos i’m talking about. the bunny one, the nudes, the ones gwen has expressed regret towards and wishes to not have them spread. was there not a “fan” who brought her a book of her nudes and wanted her to sign it? that person who was blocked on instagram by gwen because they reposted her nudes on their story and tagged her???? how can you refer to yourself as a fan after behaving so abhorrently? absolutely disgusting behaviour. as a collective fandom we need to stop touching those photos (metaphorically speaking) and leave them in the past.

i’ve been told of numerous circumstances in which adults have shown their nsfw works to minors in this fandom and it has to fucking stop. it’s disgusting!! how can you do that knowingly? i constantly ponder terminating my account after a minor got ahold of my nsfw work, and upon realising they WERE a minor it was as simple as blocking and moving on. it’s truly not that hard, folks. and the minors on tiktok who fight with others saying silly things like “that’s my wife” or worse. i’ve seen it all, i feel like, and the more i see it the more sick i become. i cannot stand it.

i have seen and heard of fans who have fat shamed gwen for that one pink dress she wore to the met gala. she looked so happy in that dress, and the audacity one must have to fatshame that poor woman on twitter then turn around and continue to proclaim your ‘love for her’ as if you’d done no wrong? are you fucking serious? are you mental?

and the sexualisation over the porcelain doll look, gods some of you are sick. those were not real breasts, people. considering the fact she wholeheartedly regrets her nude photoshoots , what possesses you to believe she would actually flaunt her chest in that outfit?

the blatant mistreatment of poor giles is not fucking okay either. just because you’re jealous of someone who makes her immensely happy does not give you the right to post something so vile and cruel about him. shame on you. why do you believe this is okay to post:

????????

are you serious? have any of you stopped to consider how HAPPY giles makes her? or is her happiness the last thing you ponder when you look at her? have you even noticed how unhappy she looks lately? have you truly paused to consider how she would feel about seeing this on your page, random twitter user, or the rest of you who think this is okay? bless your hearts.

and some of the absolutely horrific things i’ve seen about her online and the hurtful behaviour towards giles makes me question the difference between a fan and just the general paparazzi. because if you truly loved her and you truly loved giles then i would not be ranting into the fucking void about it for no reason.

i avoid interacting with pages i find problematic on here to keep from stirring the pot but tonight i chose violence and got reeeeeal pissy about how i felt about this place. it’s not okay what i see on here and it’s getting exhausting seeing the same cycle of content on a daily.

that’s everything i have to say, i think. i probably missed a lot that should be discussed in the comments but i’m done for now because i know if i go on i’ll probably cry.

before you post things about real people with real feelings , stop to consider how they will feel those real feelings towards the content you put out. chances are you’ll become less problematic and obnoxious that way. 💘

[goodreigenheadcanons]

Okay so I've been thinking lately: As someone in her mid-twenties I'm kinda disagreeing with all the "Reigen doesn't get any internet slang/memes" jokes. Like sure they're funny but we also need to consider that 1. this man is a millenial (and really not that old) and 2. his canon hobby is literally "browsing the internet". Anyway: Reigen is aware of what's hot online and he absolutely uses his knowledge to fuck with the kids. Acting dumb and using it wrong on purpose, etc.

i do love the idea of reigen acting dumb on purpose but i gotta say! i'm a 26-yr-old 8th grade ela teacher who spends a lot of time online but i think the digital atmosphere i’ve cultivated for myself must just be super insular because i have to ask my kids what on earth they’re talking about/referencing all the time because their circles are so massively different from mine. no joke, we talked about developments in language in my class last week, and they got to share all the “new words” they hear all the time (i shared the classic term “homeskillet” with them so watch out for that comeback). plus, they’re definitely online more than i am because i, yknow, work like 50-60 hrs/week, so it makes sense they know more than me. anyway. difficult to convey those nuances through joke posts on a tumblr fan blog. 

anyway point is i respect your hc but its funnier to me (and i think to my fiancee/co-mod, who is also a mid 20s teacher) to think of reigen as a fellow out of touch adult who has teens around him all the time speaking in innovative and confusing ways (is it projection? probably. but still funny 2 me). that said - i do still do exactly what you described and misuse slang to get on kids’ nerves so i can see that too. i think what’s most important is that we ALL project on reigen in our own special ways <3

[imagine-that-100]

Why No Answer? | Part 2 |

Description of Part 1: Alex Turner x Reader (Female) | You’re woken up in the middle of the night to find Alex drunk and high on your doorstep. Looking after him proves to be a tiring and revealing ordeal.

Word Count: 12.8k

Warnings: Angst (from the past) but lots of fluff.

A/N: So this was requested by the lovely @psychkunox​, really hope you enjoy this. I don’t know what happened, but I got very carried away with the word count yet again sorry about that ahha. I would recommend watching the Restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally either before or after you read. It’s quite comical and will give you more context. Anyway though, Likes, Reblogs, and Feedback is always appreciated, but thank you all for reading, I really hope you all enjoy xx

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Read Part 1: | Here | 

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“Al stop.” You scorn him in a whisper as he once again kisses the back of your neck as you stand in the queue for Space Mountain.  

You really tried not to indulge in the feeling of his lips on your skin because it was an extremely addicting sensation. But you were in public, in Disney World of all places where everyone had their phones and cameras out, and the band were all standing in front of you in the queue.

“Alex.” You whisper shout again and pull yourself out of the hold he had on your hips when you felt him do it again.

You turn around and shake your head when you note the mischief in his eyes and the slight smirk gracing his pretty lips. You wanted nothing more to have them on your own in such a beautiful place but that couldn’t happen since you both decided you wanted to keep your relationship between yourselves for a while longer.

You were their photographer which meant that you didn’t want things to get weird with them on tour. And after you and Alex both decided to keep your relationship on the downlow when you initially started going out with each other, you sort of wanted to keep it that way, so nothing changed the dynamic of your group.  

You were only 2 years younger than Matt and Alex, 3 years younger than Jamie and Nick, so you’d always been pretty close with them all. You thought of them all as your brothers as you were growing up as Alex had gone to the same primary school as you and Matt and they had been best mates since the beginning.

They met Jamie and Nick in High School along with Andy who was obviously initially in the band, before he stepped down and Nick took over. They had always been your family who’d taken good care of you and you knew just how lucky you were to have them all.

But obviously to them you’d always been Matt’s little, and sometimes annoying, sister. When they were 14/15 they all wanted nothing to do with you and you were certain Alex had hated you once upon a time, but that might have been because you were a 12 year old who’d started growing up having crushes on all of your brothers friends.

Thankfully they didn’t disown you completely as when you reached the less annoying age of 15, they didn’t seem to push you out as much. You liked hanging out with all of them, and you saw them more because they always had to come to your house because Matt couldn’t move the drum kit unless it was for a gig.  

You’d always liked music as it had always been an escape for you. Like when the band were first starting out when you’d go up to your bedroom to escape the utter shit music they were making, and you’d have your Pulp and Blur records on.

There was a new band you actually introduced them too at the time which was The Strokes, which is comical in hindsight because if you’d never told Alex and Matt to listen to that record when they caught you humming along to Barely Legal, you weren’t sure Alex would have had the motivation to keep the band going and get it as big as they had become.

It wasn’t a secret that Alex’s hero was Julian Casablancas.

A few years later the band was getting bigger and the excitement in your household at them potentially making it big was intense. So much so that your Mum and Dad threw a party for them all when they got scouted and got the record deal.

It was at that party that Matt and Alex drunkenly agreed to let you be their photographer as soon as you were done with your photography apprenticeship. It was something they never forgot though and they did actually let you become their photographer.

So as soon as your apprenticeship finished in the summer of 2006, your 18-year-old self joined the lads on their tour. To say it was a dream come true would be an understatement.

Both you and Matt had loved photography your entire lives, stemming from when your Grandma bought you both a digital camera each one year for Christmas. Since then, it’d become your passion and your plan was to be a photographer anyway.

But being the photographer for Arctic Monkeys meant that you got to travel the world and see places you never thought you would, and you never got home sick because you already had your family around you.

You honestly adored your job.

In the breaks between their tours and them writing new material you would take other photography jobs in the years off, but that didn’t really happen for the first four years of them all being big.

Alex asked Domino if you could do their The Age of the Understatement tour too which you were surprised by, but of course you did it. A job was a job and you weren’t going to turn it down just because your brother wasn’t there.

Usually on the tours you’d stay in a separate bus from the lads because after the first week into the first tour you joined them on you saw what an absolute shit tip they all created. They were all revolting and all typical lads, being messy, every other sentence was a sex joke, and they were just revolting creatures.

To you it was genuinely a surprise they actually showered after every gig.

But thankfully with the years passing and being on tour busses became a constant for them instead of something new and exciting, they all got better. So, their Suck It And See tour was the first full tour you’d actually stayed in the bus with them.

Although sometimes you wished you hadn’t because that tour was where he met Breana and you definitely heard things you’d never want to hear again. You don’t know how the other lads weren’t scarred from the noises that came out of Matt’s bunk those nights.

All you had to say about it was thank god for earphones and ear defenders.

But you think it was on that tour that you started getting closer to Alex and the other lads. Mostly due to Matt being a love stuck puppy who spent most of his time with Breana but also because you didn’t want to burden him with your emotions.

About a month before the Suck It And See tour started in the February of 2011, your arsehole of a boyfriend texted you saying that he didn’t want to see you anymore. He was an arsehole for doing it over text and then not answering your calls afterwards, but he was an even bigger arsehole for getting with who you thought was your best friend as soon as the tour started.

Matt and the lads obviously knew about the breakup but due to them all having no social media none of them knew what your best friend had done to you. So, you cried about that betrayal in your bunk at night when you knew everyone else was asleep and you cried when you found moments of solitude.

They had enough going on with interviews and tours and you didn’t want them to burden them with your issues too. But that stopped when Alex walked in on your crying in the back lounge of the bus about a month into the tour.

Your ex best friend had just posted a picture of her and your ex who you still had the misfortune of having feelings for and you just crumbled. When you saw it you just couldn’t bear the thought of being around anyone else, so you slipped out of their presence and cried your way back to the tour bus.

Thankfully no one followed you in your time of crisis which meant that you got your uncontrollable sobs out of the way alone. But of course, someone came back to the bus and found you.

And that person was Alex.

He’d come back for another pack of fags needing the extra nicotine in the hours before a show. But all thoughts of that stopped when he heard crying come from the back end of the bus.

He walked past the bunks and opened the door into the back lounge to find you sat on the floor with your head buried into your knees and sobs were ringing in his ears. His heart dropped at the sight.

“Y/N what's wrong?” Alex asks, rushing over to you.

And when you didn't answer he called your name again. “Y/N?”

But you just shake your head and continue sobbing into your knees. So he begs, “Please talk to me, love”

He was kneeling down beside you, his hand coming to the back of your head as if to slowly coax you out of your hiding stop. And after stroking the back of your head for a minute, your head rises from your hiding spot but your eyes remain shut and you continue to sob.

Alex tries his best to coax you out of your sobs but you’re pretty much hyperventilating in front of him. After another one of the longest minutes of Alex’s life he manages to get you to slow your cries enough for words to fall from your lips.

“My life’s falling apart” You sob, still refusing to look at him. Your breathing is better but still erratic when you continue to tell him in a pain stricken voice, “I can’t carry on crying myself to sleep like this every night... I- I just want to feel normal again”

“What’s happened? Why are you upset?” Alex begs for you to tell him, ripping the tears from under your eyes.

The only thing that comes to mind is your previous relationship, so Alex asks, “Is it about your ex?”

You nod, tears still pouring down your eyes, “He’s taken everything Alex... My life is fucking ruined”

“No he hasn’t Y/N. You’re here, you’ve got us” He tries to assure you, but you just shake your head.

After a second you open your watery eyes and Alex can see how much pain they hold. They somehow contain even more when you speak the words out loud, “He’s going out with Y/B/F.”

Even Alex’s blood runs cold when he hears that. His words almost get caught in his throat when he asks, “What?”

You nod, sniffling a bit and wiping your own tears from your cheeks when you repeat, “He’s going out with Y/B/F.”

“Please tell me you’re joking” The words fall from his mouth before he can stop them.

You and your best friend had been together since day one, like you’d practically been friends since birth. You were practically sisters.

It was only the odd time Alex would come to yours and Matt’s house growing up and Y/B/F wasn’t there with you. You were the annoying girls he couldn’t escape.

Not that he still felt like that as you yourself had become a really good friend but back when you were 12 you were both so fucking annoying. But everyone knew that your and Y/B/F came as a pair.

You were the best of friends, and completely inseparable.  

“I don’t think I’d be on the floor crying if I was joking Alex.” You whine, trying your best to stop your tears now someone else was with you.  

You nod towards your phone that you threw on the sofa when you walked in the room and say, “Just look”

So Alex does. He takes your phone off the side and unlocks it knowing your password was your birthday and he quickly puts the numbers in and watches as it unlocks.

And his heart sinks at the proof that lays in his hands. There on the screen he can clearly see the picture of your best friend and your ex-boyfriend quite clearly together.

They were posed in the way couples typically posed for pictures and then there was another of them at the same party and they stood kissing, and Alex found it repulsive.

“This isn’t okay.” Alex looks up from the phone to see your head no leaning back against the settee, tears falling freely down your cheeks now.

You make no effort to look at him when you say, “I know.”

“Why didn’t Matt tell me?” Alex asks, a little confused.

Surely this was something that was to be at least hushedly whispered to the people closest to you.

“Because he doesn't know.” You say simply.

“Why?” He asks, locking the phone so you didn’t see the pictures again.

You told Matt everything these days. There was no point in secrets between you as you were adults and you cared for the other’s well-being.

You’d always been open with each other, minus the time that you went out to a party when you were 16 and came back with a series of love bites on your neck. All of the lads had been really shocked when you walked in a little bit tipsy with those on your skin.

Matt had been furious and a little disgusted knowing someone had been touching you in a romantic sense. So, it was no surprise to the other lads that when you were questioned on if something more happened, you pressed your swollen lips together and slipped up to your room denying that anything else had happened.

It was comical because it was clear to everyone else that it had gone further than someone kissing your neck.

Everyone took the piss out of Matt that night saying that someone had just taken his sister's virginity and it left the drummer mortified. But you always denied it to the full band until about 6 months later when Alex had asked you in the kitchen if you were actually lying or not.

Of course, Alex didn’t actually tell any of the others when you confirmed what everyone already knew. But that was the last time you’d ever lied to your brother.

So, hearing that your brother didn’t know about this shocking and frankly disgusting news in your life was concerning.

You looked up towards your brothers’ best mate and told him the truth, “Because I can’t ruin his time with Breana…”

You had to trail off because the lump in your throat was getting too much. So you swallowed it away before continuing, your voice still pained, barely above a whisper, “He really likes her and he doesn’t need to be worrying about me... She could be the mother of his children for all we know... I’m not ruining that chance because my life has fallen apart.”

“He’d understand Y/N/N.” Alex told you, once again leaning forward to wipe away your tears.

You shake your head, “It’s not fair.”

“And you think what’s happened to you is fair?” Alex questions, knowing full well that it wasn’t.

No one deserved this type of betrayal. Especially you.

You just started weeping again then and Alex brought you into his arms, needing to console you in a hug. Thankfully you didn’t resist his hug and Alex let you cry into his shoulder as you clung to him.

After a while of him rubbing your back and whispering you sweet nothings, he had to tell you, “You could have told me Y/N/N.”

You shake your head into his neck then, Alex could still feel the tears falling onto his skin. He just about hears you say into his shoulder, “You’re happy with Arielle, I don’t want you dealing with my shit either.”

“Your family, what hurts you hurts me” Alex tells you, “You’ve always got me Y/N… Always.”

After another five minutes of you both on the floor, Arielle walks in and is immediately worried seeing you sat on the ground crying into Alex’s arms. Alex just politely asked her to go and get Matt though which she did, and you didn’t oppose it.

You couldn’t deal with that on your own any longer and you were thankful for Alex being so kind to you. Your heart just fully melted in your chest later on after everything had been explained to everyone and he pulled you aside and gave you another big hug.

He whispered to you, “You’re going to be okay Y/N/N.” before placing a kiss to the top of your head.

The rest of that tour was filled with him making sure you were always okay and so did the other lads. But maybe it felt more personal to you when Alex checked on you because he was the one that found you.

It was him that just told you to cut them from your life completely and block them on everything as ‘they weren’t good enough for you anyway’. After you did that you felt better about your life. You’d cleared them from your Instagram, leaving no trace on your page that they were ever in your life and it was a difficult purge, but it definitely helped you in the long run.

The years without them in your life were tough but it had proven to be for the best in the end.

Because once upon a time you thought you were going to marry your ex-boyfriend, but now you were standing in Disney World with your boyfriend trying to steal kisses from you. And you wouldn’t change it for the world.

You give your boyfriend of 4 months a warning look, but his eyes just held mischief. You had to remind him, “They are going to see.”

“Then let’s go somewhere else.” Alex says moving back towards you, and ushering you to move up the line a bit.  

“After this we’ll try and escape.” You promise, but he was really shit at turning you down and you wanted it to be believable. “But you have to actually pretend you don’t wanna go.”

He rolls his eyes but sighs, “Fine.”

After Space Mountain you announced to the lads that you wanted to go see the Disney characters next which they all groaned at. You first of all pleaded with Matt to come with you knowing he wouldn’t before the rest of the lads and one by one they all dismissed you.

The last person you asked was Alex and he surprisingly put up a good fight until you ‘wore him down’ and got your own way. You spent the rest of the afternoon going round with him and getting pictures of the both of you with the characters and you got a nice lady to take a  few pictures of you both outside the castle.

Those were your favourites, especially the one where he was kissing you.

As you were walking back to meet the others who were already back at the bus, you felt the need to tell him something which you’d yet to say. You didn’t think you’d find a better time than walking hand in hand in front of the Disney castle after one of the best days of your life.

So you pause your walk back for a moment to kiss him one last time before you make it back to the others. The kiss was sweet, just like the whole day had been, and you definitely felt like it was the right time to say, “I love you Alex.”

Immediately a smile found its way onto his lips, and he was practically beaming with joy. “You love me?” Alex asks you in a little disbelief.  

“Yeah…” You nod, a massive smile on your lips “A lot as well.”

Alex leant down and kissed you again then, this time though his arms wrapped around your waist and lifted you off your feet, spinning you around in his arms. It caused you to giggle into the kiss a little but you loved it.

When your feet touched the ground again Alex told you, “I love you so much Y/N”

“I know.” You grin as he’d already told you once before.

Alex just chuckles at you, “Alright Han Solo” which made you giggle.

“I love you more than anything Al, thank you for making me happy.” You tell him wrapping your arms around him, needing a tight embrace just so he knew you meant every single word.

His arms obviously snake around you, making you feel secure in the warm hug. And your heart melts once more when he kisses your head and says, “I love you more Angel, thank you for letting me make you happy.”

~*~*~*~

“Al.” You said attempting and failing to pull away from the kiss he’d trapped you in.

If you were honest, you really weren’t really putting up much of a fight to stop the kisses. You were in one of their many tents that this festival they were performing at had given them.

There was one for chilling out in, one that was essentially a bar, and a few more you’d yet to explore. But Alex had pulled you into one with the mass of beanbags in it and he wasted no alone time to have his lips connect to yours.

“Yes baby?” He says in his low voice and you could hear his hunger for you in his voice before he kissed you again.

It made your stomach flip as you knew exactly what he was thinking as you’d heard his voice like that many times since you started seeing each other. You both had to show some restraint though as anyone could walk into the tent, there was only a flimsy curtain between inside and outside.

You pull on his hair to make him pull away as you couldn’t do it yourself as he’d trapped you between him and a beanbag. Once his soft lips parted from yours, you told him seriously,  “Wait until the hotel.”

“But I want you now.” Alex then pouts at you, confirming the explicit thoughts that were running through his head.

You tell him truthfully, finding his pout very cute, “And I want you, but I’m not shagging you in a tent.”

“Why?” Alex questions, looking around for a moment before his gorgeous brown eyes meet your Y/E/C ones again. He chuckles, “It's a really posh tent.”

You guess it was too post to actually call it a tent. It was huge for a start and looked very expensive. You definitely felt privileged to get to experience all of this with him and the band.  

“Hun you had me all last night...” You shake your head whilst smiling like an idiot, “You can retrain yourself until we get back.”

“Not easily.” He pouts again and it makes you giggle which he once again finds adorable.

Another kiss is exchanged then but you don't let it get to what it just had been like. You stop it after he tries to distract you and deepen it again but you’re having none of it.

“You need to go or there gunna be like ‘what’s he doing in there?’” You say knowing he’d be asked to drink with them sooner rather than later.

Alex smiles knowing you’re right, but he chuckles when he tells you, “You know we have to tell them at some point, right?”

“Yeah I know, I just want as much of this tour to be as normal as possible.” You say, aimlessly stroking your fingers up and down the short hair on the back of his hair. You grin when you say, “I’d like to escape Jamie’s jokes for as long as possible.”

Alex just laughs then before he pecks your lips once more. “I don’t blame you Angel… But you can handle yourself. We’ll be fine.”

“I know.” You smile, feeling very content in this moment that you had with him. “I love you Al.”

“I love you too.” He tells you before he steals another kiss and gets himself up. “Do you want a drink?”

You shake your head whilst you get yourself comfy on the beanbag, also reaching to the nearby blanket to cover yourself with. “Nah, I’m good thanks. I’m gunna have a nap before the show.”

Alex smiles at you then, turning back towards you when he gets near the curtain to leave. He just stops by the curtain that divides him from outside and when he sees you getting curled up under the blanket.

He can’t help but nod and say, “Yeah.”

“Yeah what?” You ask looking back up to him standing there grinning at you.  

Alex nods down at you in your cosy spot and continues, “Yeah, you were definitely meant for me.”

You grin like an idiot then before you tell him, “Love you baby.”

“Love you too.” Alex smiles and sends a wink your way before he heads out of the tent.  

You can’t help but shut your eyes and snuggle into your new ‘bed’ with a massive grin on your face. But when you hear Miles say, “Oi Al, you dickhead. Come and have a shot.” you just start giggling.

~*~*~*~

You were absolutely plastered, and it was really making Alex laugh. Even more so than it usually would because you were trying your best not to be obvious that you wanted his affection.

You were a clingy drunk which was absolutely fine, and all the lads knew that, but watching you slip up around him and having to make up for it with the other lads was really comical for Alex.

You’d just come over to Alex after you’d beaten him at pool and teased him for being shit. To which Alex was shooting digs back at you but all you did in response was laugh, call him a sore loser and ruffle his perfect hair up which you knew annoyed him.

So Alex had just forced your hands out of his hair by grabbing your wrists and stopping you from doing anything more. He gave you warning looks like he would have done any other time you annoyed him before you got together but you also noted the looks as a reminder of the secret that you’d set out.

That was what led you to sitting on Jamie’s lap and talking his ear off about Katie whilst playing with his wavy hair. He threatened you to get off it, saying he’d cut it all off which you at first drunkenly pleaded with him not too but then you changed your mind saying he could definitely pull off a Peaky Blinders cut.

Once off Jamie you went on to have some flirty banter with Miles as Nick and Jamie played pool. Alex was watching you with an amused look on his face as his best mate was teasing you about not being on the pull whilst being in a bar with everyone.

You came back with things like, “Aw Miles, I couldn’t do that to you. I know you’d cry yourself to sleep if I entertained anyone elses flirting besides yours.”

Alex also found your laugh adorable when Miles kissed you on your cheek and Matt told him to leave you alone and to stop flirting with you. It was times like that that made Alex glad his best mate didn’t know about the two of you yet.

But after Nick’s game of pool finished and Nick won, he was calling it a night, despite it being relatively early. It seemed that you knew your tolerance though and decided to head back to the bus with Nick.

So you then went around the other 4 lads who were staying and made a bit of an effort to kiss them all goodnight, Alex presumed so you could kiss him. Something which proved to be correct because you came to him last after kissing all the other lads, including your brother, on the cheek and came to give him one.

“Thank you for my drinks” You drunkenly smile at him and Alex grins down at you in an amused way.

“You’re welcome love” Alex chuckles at your tipsy state and you then force a hug upon him.

He obviously hugs you back but he’s aware of his mates looking so he doesn’t make it completely obvious that he’s enjoying the hug as much as he is despite him really wanting to. He wanted nothing more than to kiss your lips instead of you leaning in to kiss his cheek.

When you left his arms, he smiled at you and you moved back to your brother and made him give you a hug. Something which Matt did but not without a roll of his eyes, but Alex could tell it was a playful one.

“See you in the morning guys.” You say with a smile after linking your arm through Nick’s so he could help you walk back.

Everyone said bye to you then and their attention was on the new game of pool again. But whilst it was Matt’s go Alex let his eyes focus on you.

You were so cute, he wanted nothing more than to take you back to a hotel away from the others so he could just be with you all night. But Alex also understood why you wanted to keep it a secret for a while longer.

Tours were long, and he knew you’d both be bullied about it for a while from the others, which you were both prepared for. But you were due to be on the road for the next year with AM due out in September.

The plan was to tell them as soon as interviews back home started so you didn’t have to be around the joking for long. Alex was used to it after Alexa and Arielle, but he knew you weren’t, and he respected that.

So that was why he denied it when the lads began to question him on it about 5 minutes after you left.

“What’s going on?” Matt asks as Alex pots another ball into the pool table.  

Alex grins thinking Matt was just fuming he was losing. As Alex moves around the table to eye up another winning shot, he says, “I’m beating you at pool

“No.” Matt shakes his head, earning eye contact from his best mate. “I mean with Y/N/N.”

“What do you mean?” Alex asks as he leans over the table to play his next shot, “She’s just gone back with Nick.”

“Don’t think he means that.” Miles grinned at him after he missed the tricky shot he’d chosen.  

Alex raises his eyebrows in a questioning way, getting the feeling that people were catching on to how you were around each other.

And that suspicion is confirmed when Jamie says, “You’re very touchy with each other.”

“Touchy?” Alex laughs, as he watches your brother take another shot, “Jamie mate, she was on your lap earlier.”

“Yeah, but she keeps like teasing you and messing with your hair and shit.” Matt chips in with his observations after missing his shot on the stripped balls.  

Alex rolls his eyes, “Matt, you literally fucked with my hair earlier today and Jamie did it yesterday... You all like to fucking annoy me by doing that.”

Alex continues to defend the both of you even though he wishes he didn’t have to. “You know what she’s like when she’s drunk, she doesn’t leave anyone alone.”

“He has a point; she didn’t shy away from me kissing her.” Miles points out raising his pint to the drummer.

Matt fakes a gag then and says, “Leave her the fuck alone Kane.”

“But she loves me.” Miles pouts, resting a hand over his heart like Matt’s words had hurt him. “You definitely want me as your brother-in-law.”

Alex smiles to himself knowing that he was now 6 months ahead of Miles in that category. God, he loved you. He could definitely see a bright future with you, and he had every intention to marry you one day in the years to come.

“I’d rather go to a Radiohead gig.” Matt says which earns a laugh from everyone, knowing how the hatred between the bands still hadn’t died out.

~*~*~*~

A month later you thought you were doing well. You were very careful around everyone after Alex told you about the questioning he got after the bar.

You were just normal with each other throughout the days, not overly interacting with each other. But when Alex’s eyes were hidden by his sunglasses, he couldn’t help but let his eyes wonder.

And it definitely helped that it was your job to take pictures of him. You could stare at him all day that way, even if it was through a camera lens.

Moments alone came when you’d stay in the bus when they went on nights out and Alex would venture back early meaning on nights like that, he actually got to give you goodnight kisses like he loved doing. Other moments took place when he would wander off at the multitude of festivals they were doing.

You’d say you were going getting pictures of different acts that no one else wanted to go watch. Alex would say he was going for a walk about 20 minutes later. Purely coincidence that you met up with him on his walk after you’d taken a photo or two.

Other times you snuck into each other's hotel rooms about an hour after you’d all gone your separate ways. But it was your nights in the hotels that you loved the most.

You got your privacy, and it was secure. The same as it was when he came to your house before the tour or when you went to his.

You loved being alone with him.

And tonight, all the other lads had gone out to a party somewhere and Alex had been faking an illness all day so he could stay in and they wouldn’t ask questions. They wouldn’t think it was weird you not going because you rarely went out with them.

They knew you valued your sleep too much.

So that was why you were alone in the back lounge with Alex tonight. And you’d honestly had one of the best nights being your normal cuddly selves.

You’d just watched a film with each other whilst being cuddled up on the sofa and you very nearly fell asleep in his embrace, but you weren’t wasting a full night alone with him. After the film you both went out and got yourselves a takeout from a place just down the road.

You made it into a full date night which was fucking adorable. After food, you coexisted normally for a little while, Alex letting you lean back against him whilst you edited your photos on your night off.

You were a pro at it after so many years, so it took no longer than an hour for the ones promotion wanted of them all. Alex was quite happily watching you edit the pictures of him and his friends as he absentmindedly played with your hair, placed random little kisses on your neck or on the back of your head, and at one point he even sang.

It was a really beautiful song, one that you’d only heard once before when he let you listen to the album when it was finished.

You only knew the title because he said it often in the song but having your boyfriend softly sing Mad Sounds into your ear as you worked you wished you could freeze time and appreciate it. His voice was amazing as everyone knew, but hearing it so close and so soft, it was hard to keep shivers from running down your spine.

“Such a beautiful song Al.” You smile closing your laptop as you’d finished what you needed to do and he’d finished singing.

You turn to him a bit more and he smiles back at you, tucking a stray strand of your hair behind your ear. “Like you then.” Alex grins before pressing his lips to yours.

You smile into the kiss as the comment was very adorable of him, but when you pulled back bullying was in order, “You’re so cheesy.”

“You love it.” Alex grins as you get up and put your laptop away, but you grab your small Lumix camera and come to sit back down.

You grin as you come and sit back down, this time straddling his lap so you could get a few close ups of him looking cute. You bring the viewfinder up to your eye and once you see his adorable smile on the other side of the lens you capture the perfection.

“I do.” You grin back at him.

You like that Alex never shies away from you when you have a camera in your hand. You knew after this much time that he trusted you with what you were capturing, especially in these moments together they wouldn’t be seen by anyone else.

“However…” You say, putting the camera down for a moment, “Me and your music are nothing alike.”

Alex frowns at you a little then, his hands running up your thighs, pulling you a little closer, “I think a certain track and our text message history would claim otherwise.”

You roll your eyes then knowing he was talking about Why’d You Only Call Me When You’re High? But when he grins at your eye roll you quickly snap another picture of him.

“I guess I shouldn't have got involved with a lyricist if I didn't want songs about me, should I?” You ask with a knowing smirk as you pull the camera away from your face.

You don’t bother checking it on the screen as it pops up, you already knew it would be a good picture. Not because you took it, but because it was of him and he was happy.

“No, probably not.” Alex chuckles as he takes the camera from you before raising it to take one of you.

You give him a pointed look after the photograph and joke, “You better hope you get to release your B-sides before Matt catches on.”

“I’ll be murdered, I have no doubt.” Alex grins and you burst out laughing at him being dramatic.

Alex thinks you look gorgeous though, so he raises your camera back up and you let him, not having a problem with him taking your picture. You smile at first but after he gets the first picture, he keeps looking through the viewfinder so you then puff your cheeks out jokingly and move closer to the camera.

Alex chuckles from behind it and he moves the camera from his face so you can both giggle together. He steals a kiss from you which you gladly accept, and you can't help but bite your lip afterwards.

He just looked so good. His skin was flawless these days and the fact that all of his fair wasn’t around his face anymore made his stunning jawline stand out. His brown eyes that were usually always hidden by sunglasses were shining brightly and the smile on his lips really showed how happy he was.

And seeing him happy made you happy. You could safely say you truly loved him. You’d do anything to keep you both as happy as you are now.

Whilst you’re deep in thought, Alex raises your camera back up to his eye which breaks your daydreaming about his features and you playfully roll your eyes.

“Smile for me Angel.” He asks and you do for one shot because he is pretty cute and pretty impossible not to smile at.

“Beautiful.” Alex confirms when he quickly looks down at the screen seeing the picture, he just caught of you.

“Like you then.” You use his own words against him with a playful smile.

Alex then puts your camera down to the side and with his newly free hand he cups the back of your neck and mumbles a ‘very good’ before bringing you in for a kiss. Playful and sweet were the only ways to describe it.

You just adored this alone time with him, sitting on his lap at the back bus, which was usually a very crowded area for you all to use, and you were kissing each other like it was just yesterday you got together. Everything still felt just as exciting and new and you never wanted his lips off yours.

You loved that it was you who got to run your fingers through his hair and pull on it when you wanted a kiss to carry on longer, like you just did. You loved the way his large hands held your hips, keeping you close to him.

But mostly you loved that he was always wanting affection. You’d not been in a relationship for a very long time so it made you nervous initially but there was something about Alex that you craved, and his affection was definitely one of those things that you were addicted to now.

You never wanted moments like these to end. But of course, that wouldn’t be realistic.

“I fucking knew it!”

You both pull away from each other to see Jamie with his jaw agape by the door. And your heart dropped to the ground.

“Jamie.” Alex says before Jamie can run out of the room.

“Oh I can’t fucking believe it.” He says, still stood there with his jacket in his hand but he looks like his whole world has ended. “I’ve gotta go get Matt.”

The panic in you rises then and you practically just off Alex’s lap and grab your intruders’ arm before he can turn back, “Jamie no, don’t.” You plead, pulling on his arm to come into the room.  

He turns back towards you then and he lets himself be pulled into the room. His head is still baffled though which leads him to say rather loudly, “You’re shagging, aren’t you?”

Your eyes go wide at the volume of his voice and you scorn, “Jamie.” quietly as you pull him further into the room so you can shut the door once more.

His eyes go wide impossibly wider though and he gasps, “You are!” looking from you to Alex who was still sat down.

“Matt is going to fucking murder you.” Jamie chuckles looking Alex dead in the eye as you ensure that no one else is on the bus by looking down through the bunks (thankfully all the curtains were still open) to the front lounge and you saw no one down the other end.

“Jamie please don’t start.” You hear Alex say, evidently not wanting this to get out of hand.

You close the door and turn around to the still very shocked man and say, “I’ll explain just please shut up and sit down.”

So you did explain that you’d been seeing each other for months. Jamie was shocked because he only started to suspect something a month into the tour.

But after he’d let the information sink in, it wasn’t really so shocking anymore. Which is why you’d got onto the conversation of why it was still a secret after you’d been going out for months.

“You know he’d be fine.” Jamie tells you, sitting down opposite you both, trying to persuade you to tell Matt. “He wouldn’t actually kick off, you can both do what you like.”

“It’s not really just about Matt.” You tell him honestly from your point of view. “It’s about all of you making jokes and shit for months. I didn’t want that.”

“Y/N we wouldn’t do that.” Jamie says leaning towards the both of you from the other sofa, but you’re having none of it.

“Cookie you’re the worst one for it.” You say with a pointed look.

You then point to Alex, who you were sitting beside now and say, “I remember what you were like with him and Arielle.”

And it was a lot. They joked about it all the time to start with, and it was annoying for you, let alone Alex and her.

“Him and Arielle were different.” Jamie states, a little on the defensive side, but then he follows it up with, “You don’t make funny videos for a living, I actually respect you a hell of a lot for putting up with us.”

You shake your head and tell the tipsy, but now definitely more sober man, “You’re not that bad.”

“Oh, we are.” Jamie says and you laugh because you were just being polite.

They could be a handful sometimes if you were telling the truth. But you wouldn’t change anything about any of them. You loved them all because of who and how they were, and they were all your family.

Jamie follows up with, “I'm genuinely surprised you actually want to go out with him after knowing what he’s like.”

You giggle at that and just pout as you joke, “I know, but you’re taken Cookie, so I went for the next best thing.”

“Hey” Alex scoffs, looking towards you, pretending to be offended.

You and Jamie just laugh at him though, and you intertwine your fingers when you grab Alex’s hand to hold as a little apology. You’d be sure to actually swear to him that you were joking later though.

Jamie notes the gesture and he can see the little knowing smiles on your faces and his heart melts a bit for the both of you. You were both pretty cute with each other to be fair and the more that Jamie had been playing detective about it he thought that the two of you would be a pretty good match.

So he was genuinely happy for the both of you.

“And as for the jokes…” Jamie continues, causing the two of you to look back around at him. But Jamie looks at you as he says, “If it upset you, you know I wouldn't do it”

“I don’t mind the odd joke about me sucking his dick or whatever, but I’ll go crazy if that's all I hear about for the next year.” You tell him honestly.

You could handle jokes, it wasn’t anything new. They joked about your first boyfriend to Matt for the longest time and had done each time you got a new one.

You could take a joke. But not 24/7 like this tour would promise it would.

“Okay, never say that again.” Jamie pleads, the shocked look not coming off his face, but you and Alex just laugh at his reaction.

His head goes into his hands for a moment but afterwards he looks at you both and says, “Yeah, you don’t have anything to worry about, joke wise, until I get comfortable with this dynamic because that was strange coming from your mouth.”

“You’ve heard me say worse than that, surely?” You ask, very amused by his discomfort.

Jamie just blankly says, “Not about Alex… And you’re practically my sister.”

“Sorry Cookie. I’ve got a right to say rude jokes about my boyfriend when I want to. He can say ones about me but from your reaction I don’t think you want him to.”

He then looks Alex dead in the eye and begs, “Please don’t.”

You both just end up laughing.

~*~*~*~

You decided after that night that you would think about being more open to telling Matt about everything that was going on. Thankfully Jamie was quite respectful of the whole thing and actually kept your secret.

He didn’t make things awkward for you both either, if anything he helped you both out a lot. Sometimes when you were out with them Jamie would keep the others entertained so you could escape with Alex for a little bit on a ‘fag break’ which would consist of stolen kisses.

Other times when you were all out, Jamie would lowkey guilt trip Alex into going back with you early so no one asked questions which you loved him even more for.

During this month that Jamie knew though, you’d been trying to come up with a way to tell Matt. Because you weren’t stupid, you knew this couldn’t go on for much longer.

Each time you tried to tell him though something would happen which meant that you didn’t. Once you froze, unable to tell him because you just genuinely didn’t know how to.

It wasn’t exactly something that you could drop on him and expect him to be fine with. Your nerves probably didn’t help but other times when you worked up the courage to do it, other things would go wrong.

Matt was in a foul mood one of the times, so that was a no go. Miles and Nick came in and interrupted another time before you got the words out and it was like a never ending series of unfortunate events that stopped you.

Alex had politely offered to do it after a few failed attempts but you said that you’d be more comfortable doing it. Partly because you thought that you should be the one to tell your brother and partly because you knew Matt wouldn’t hit you.

But there had been multiple failed attempts since then so you thought that you may actually make it to the end of the summer festivals at this rate.

It was nearing the end of August now and you were all staying in a hotel again tonight as you’d got to the city they were performing in the day before the show. You were pleased because it meant another night in with Alex so after you’d all had your dinner downstairs you’d given him your spare key card for your room so he could come to you whenever he liked.

Alex told you that he was looking forward to using it and he was excited to spend another night with you. It warmed your heart hearing that and when he rang you at 9:30 saying he was just running to the shop to grab the both of you some snacks, he said he’d let himself in about 20 minutes when he got back.

And that is why you were a little surprised when there was knocking on the door about 10 minutes later. You thought that was fast for a start but you gave him the key card so you wouldn’t have to get up and answer the door.

“Come in!” You shout across the room hoping he would hear you.

It seems that he does but his muffled response is, “It’s locked.” when the handle doesn’t budge.

You roll your eyes and mumble, “That’s why I gave you a key.” under your breath as you get up off your bed and head to the door.

And you’re about to scorn him but when the door opens you don’t find your boyfriend. You find your brother.

“Hey.” Matt says, stepping into your room after the door opens.

You’re shocked by his presence but try and act as calm as possible when you say, “Hey, you alright?”

Thank fuck you were still dressed. And thank fuck Alex wasn’t already here because you didn’t want him to find out like that.

But then you realised he’d be here in 10 minutes or so. And that made you want to get Matt out as quickly as possible.

“I’m fine, are you?” Your brother asks once he picks up the complimentary chocolate that the hotel had put on your bed which you were saving for later.

Any other night you would have ripped the shit out of him for coming in and doing that but now was not the time. You were borderline panicking as you were about to be caught out. But you try and disguise that as best as possible.

“Yeah, great thanks.” But really you’re just thinking, Shit.

Your brother asks you, “What do you have planned for tonight?”

Thinking on your feet all you can come up with is, “Just editing more pictures.”

“Fancy blowing it off and watching Netflix with me?” Matt questions and you all of a sudden feel really guilty that you want him to leave as much as you do.

You pull a little bit of a face at his question and try to carry on your lie, “Oh, I would but I’m honestly not feeling all that great after tea, so I was just gunna get an early night after I’ve done a few more pictures.”

“Funny that.” Your brother states when you turn away from him to grab your laptop from your bag as he sits himself down at the end of your bed.

You move towards the little desk that was in the room though and ask, “What is?”

“Alex isn’t feeling too well either.”

Well shit. You were too alike for your own good, coming up with the same excuses without telling the other.

“Oh?” You question, shitting it at this point, so you just open up your MacBook to distract you. “Maybe it was something we ate downstairs?”

All your brother replied was, “Doubt that because I had the same thing as you both.”

You choose no response as your best response and just continue to pull up a picture of Matt you hadn’t finished editing on photoshop yet. Being creative always eased your nerves so hopefully him watching you edit a picture of him would distract him.

“Y/N.” Matt says, trying to gain your attention.  

You instead just carry-on messing with the photograph and suggest, “Maybe you should go check on our friend bro, could be being sick for all we know. Wouldn’t make for the prettiest show tomorrow”

“Y/N…” Matt says once more, and you know he wants you to look at him.

So you do and you see your brother sat on the end of your bed, looking at you. He asks in a serious yet calm tone, “Is Alex really ‘just a friend’ anymore?

Well. You guess you didn’t have to find a way to tell him anymore.

You sigh and shake your head, “No.” and as you close your laptop you tell the truth, “He’s a lot more.”

Matt can tell you’re serious straight away just by the way you were looking at him. And it makes him shake his head a bit in disbelief. He says calmly but in a tone that worries you, as he also runs a hand through his hair, “I knew it.”

“Please don’t be angry Matt.” You all but beg as you turn in your chair towards him more. “It’s my fault we didn't tell you sooner... I didn’t want things to be different with the group, so I was the one who wanted to keep it a secret.”

“You know you didn’t have to do that, right?” Matt has to ask you, feeling awful that you felt like you couldn’t tell him something. “I just want you to be happy... Al’s practically family so of course I want the same for him.”

“I know, I’m really sorry…” You trail off for a second, “It just got to a point where I didn’t know how to tell you and when I tried to things always got in the way.”

Matt nods completely understanding that. At least you wanted to tell him.

“When did it start?” Is the question Matt asks you next.

“New Year’s Day” You say quickly before wincing a little, hearing that it has been 8 months out loud.

You felt so bad.

Matt is shocked by that news too, “That long...? Really?”

“Yeah.” You nod, feeling awful, “I’m sorry.”

Matt ends up asking you a few more questions after that which were pretty much big brother sort of questions, making sure Alex was treating you right and stuff like that. Thankfully this had all gone very plain sailing and Matt was happy for you like you both knew he would be.

And he had forgiven you for not telling him for so long too which was a big relief. It felt like a massive weight off your shoulders.

So much so that you had to get up off your seat and give him a hug. Matt stood up for the embrace, so you got to hug him properly and it was such a lovely warm hug that you felt like you hadn’t had in such a long time.

Halfway through that long hug though, both you and Matt hear the door to your room unlock. You press your lips together and wince a little knowing exactly what is about to happen.

“Hey Y/N/N.” You hear Alex say from somewhere behind you and you let go of Matt and both of you look towards Alex now closing the door, not yet noticing the situation.  

After he closes the door though, he begins to say before he turns towards you, “I got you thes- oh”

Matt smiles though seeing your favourite flowers in his best friend’s hand. You can’t help but smile at the sight of them too, and his face falling realising Matt was here was a little funny too.

He looked a little scared.

“I’m glad you’re treating her right Al.” Matt tells him, and Alex struggles with his words for a second and he looks to you for help.

“I just told him.” You nod confirming it out loud for him.  

Alex’s eyes go from you back to his best mate then and he starts, “Listen Matt, I’m sor-”

But Matt interrupts, “No no I don’t need an apology.” He shakes his head, “Just don’t fuck it up.” He then looks between the both of you, “Either of you... Because that would make for a really awkward tour.”

You smile at that and say, “I don’t plan on doing, and I know he doesn’t either.”

Matt grins at you then and he looks back to Alex and takes a few steps towards him. He points a finger to his chest and says very seriously, “Make her cry Turner, and I'll castrate you.”

Alex slowly nods, “Noted”

Matt must then break into a grin because Alex does too, and your brother then heads over to the door.

Matt turns back towards you and says, “Have a nice night love birds.” and walks out with a grin and he shuts the door behind him.

Both you and Alex stay silent for a second looking at the door almost in disbelief that the thing you’d both waited 8 months to do, was now over. Alex turns around to look at you and you’re both just awkwardly smiling at each other.

Alex puts the plastic bag filled with snacks down on the table he was standing beside and says, “Well you could have pre warned me.”

You shake your head, “I didn’t know he was coming. But he asked me to watch Netflix with him and apparently I gave the same excuse as you.”

“Oh fuck. Clever, aren’t we?” Alex chuckles a little and you nod in response.

Alex holds up the flowers he got for you and you can’t help but smile, “Well, I was hoping to surprise you with these, but you definitely won on the surprise front tonight.”

You giggle at that and you lean up to kiss him after taking the flowers from him, “Thank you my love.”

You briefly put them down whilst you say, “At least we don’t have to stay away from each other anymore.”

“Never going to let you go now Darling.” Alex chuckles before picking you up in a hug and spinning you around. You can’t help but giggle.

The next morning you both ventured downstairs to have breakfast with the others and found that they were all there waiting for you at your table with knowing looks. You and Alex just had grins on your faces knowing Matt would have gone around and told them all before you even got the chance.

They were all of course happy for you but of course you got some jokes and some questions. Jamie had got a bit used to it now, so he was starting with his jokes in private to you but when you sat down, he asked the both of you, “Suck his dick last night?”

“Wow, you’ve been waiting for that one, haven’t you?” You laugh, sitting yourself down next to him, immediately reaching for the menu so you could see what was on offer for breakfast.

The table obviously all laughed, and it was all fun and playful as you imagined it would be. You were glad Matt wasn’t cringing at all the details that you were giving out, as it was things like how far back moments happened, like when Alex asked you out officially and stuff like that.

All of the lads seemed really happy for you and even some of your other friends that were a part of the crew were shocked but buzzing for you. Alex got loads of people saying, ‘You better treat her right’ which made you laugh a lot.

But thankfully it was business as usual, just with the addition of getting to hold his hand and kiss him the odd time when you wanted. You’d rather most of your affection be in private though so not much had really changed on the social front.

Even when you were trying to be discrete about it, you didn’t find it too hard because you were still just the same Y/N and Alex. You’d been friends for years, so the dynamic shift wasn’t all that drastic.

You both were just the same friends that you could walk next to each other and it just be normal. You didn’t have to be touching each other all the time, you’d go walk with Miles or Nick and just go spend time with Alex every now and then.

You were glad that things never felt too different.

You guess the only thing that marginally was different was the first night back on the bus after you’d been staying in the hotel. You were all heading to bed and when you came out of the bathroom after changing, you headed to your own bunk, but then realised you didn’t actually need to.

Alex’s bunk was the top bunk in the middle, so you walked right past your own and straight to his. He was just in his boxers like most of the lads usually were when they slept on this bus.

“Hey.” You say with a big smile.

“Hey.” Alex grins, his messy hair almost falling into his eyes. He makes you smile when he says, “Was just about to come kiss you”

“Vile.” You hear Miles gag from the bunk directly below and you look down at him and frown.

“Miles, he kisses you... What are you on about?” You question, not understanding.

They were literally always touchy feely with each other which you thought was cute and adorable. They’d always been great mates and were close enough to actually perform together using one microphone.

So it made you laugh when Alex lent down over his bunk to say, “Little offended there mate.” to his friend.

Nick bursts out laughing at your backchat and Alex’s hurt and you chuckle along before you glance back to your boyfriend. Once his head was the right way up again you smile at him.

“I can join you for the night now, right?” You ask him and you love the smile that comes to his lips.

He nods, “Course you can.”

So Alex shuffles back in the bunk, enough for you to comfortably jump up and once you lay beside him you can’t stop grinning. It definitely felt weird to be in a bunk with him for everyone to see but it definitely makes you happy, even if it was a tight squeeze.

“Hi” You grin at him as he’s on his side, his back pressed to the wall of the bunk, looking down on you.

“Hey beautiful.” Alex says before he leans down and kisses you.

You of course kiss him back but after a second you quickly part so you can reach down to the curtain and pull it closed. You doubt that Nick wanted to watch from the bunk opposite.

As soon as your lips were back attached to Alex’s though you hear Nick whisper shout to everyone, “It’s starting!”

If your eyes were open, you would have rolled when but you just try to keep the smile off your lips, so you don’t ruin the kiss. And thankfully you both controlled yourselves enough to hold your smiles so you could indulge in a very nice kiss.

“If I hear anything come from that bunk, you don’t want to know what will happen.” Matt calls out loudly and you break apart from the kiss to laugh.

It seems like everyone else found it comical too, but it was even funnier when Jamie asked him, “What are you gunna do? Cry?”

“Fuck off Cookie.” Your brother says back, and you chuckle at that too.

You and Alex keep your curtain closed as the rest of them chat away and you get yourselves comfortable in the bunk. You are basically cuddled together in the bunk, with the duvet over you both, you still on your back and Alex tucked into your neck as he lay on his side.

You were glad you didn’t feel like you were about to roll out of the bunk, so it definitely made sense you were that way around. That and Alex quite liked to pick his head up every few minutes and trap you in another kiss.

A trap you certainly didn’t mind.

Usually when you all got in your bunks, curtains would stay open as you would all chat to each other and one by one curtains would close until you were all knackered and pass out until the next day. So, it wasn’t a shock that tonight you were all talking for quite a while, you and Alex just chatting to each other quietly in your bunk, liking the privacy that the curtain provided.

But after about 15 minutes someone shouted your name, popping yours and Alex’s bubble.

“Y/N?” You hear Jamie call you.

You smile knowing a joke was bound to come your way and respond, “Yeah?”

“I’ve got a question for you.” He informs and you can practically hear him smiling.

You grin at Alex and shout back to Jamie, “Okay, go on.”

“You know because you’re a photographer... Does that mean you take pictures of you and Alex in the bedroom?” Jamie asks teasingly and your immediately roll your eyes, but it doesn’t stop you from playing along.

“Shit.” You say jokingly loud, “How do they know?” You scorn Alex jokingly and he’s just silently laughing.

“Matt.” You call and joke, “Maybe don’t go through that SD card tomorrow.”

Earlier on he asked to see some of the pictures after the gig tonight and you said he could look through them before you started editing them tomorrow.

“I’ll burn it” Matt says back, and you just start silently giggling.

“What are you both up to in there?” You both hear Nick ask.

Alex says in a teasing voice, “Wouldn’t you like to know.”

Both of you have another few kisses in the time between those jokes and the next time you were heckled. But you were just cuddled when they next started joking.

“They are very quiet up there.” You both hear Miles say.

You shake your head and Alex sighs a little as you hear the rest of them chuckle.

“You doing good? You getting it up, Al?” Miles asks and you both feel him punch the top of his bunk, subsequently the bottom of yours.

You aren’t surprised when Alex doesn’t grace him with an answer.

“Very quiet indeed.” Nick laughs, more than likely looking down at Miles so they could share a laugh.

Jamie seems to jump in then with, “They are definitely biting their tongues.”

“Fuck off all of you.” Matt gets defensive but that just makes it comical.

You decided to upset your brother then by pretending to be annoyed when you scorn them, “You’re all really ruining the mood.”

Alex chuckles at that then, even though you weren’t doing anything. That is what made it funnier to him though.

“Sorry, do you need silence for Alex to get you off.” Jamie asks and it makes you roll your eyes at the question.

You reply, “No.” as an idea comes to mind.

“So you don't mind us carrying on talking then?” Miles asks teasingly. You can practically hear the smirk.

You backchat with, “Not if yous don't mind some noises too?”

“Fire away Hun.”

You brother almost shouts in distress, “No don’t. Both of you stay very fucking quiet.”

Jamie defends you both then, “Oh right so it’s alright when you and Breana fuck but when it’s Alex and Y/N you’re suddenly a prude.”

An argument starts out then with Matt defending himself and then Jamie defending you and so on and then it becomes a big thing. But you find it quite funny that Matt is getting annoyed, so you decide to make your own joke too.

“Al” You whisper, and he looks up at you for you to ask him, “Have you ever seen When Harry Met Sally?”

“Yeah, I watched it with you on the last tour.” He whispers back, reminding you.

You remember him doing now. You’d all had a movie night on the bus during the Suck It And See tour and because you were a little depressed they let you choose the film and you chose that one because it made you laugh.

“Okay, good.” You smirk knowing exactly what you were about to do.

Your boyfriend doesn’t yet get it though, so he asks in a whisper, “Why?”

“Alex” You say a bit louder, a smile you couldn’t hold back drawing to your face.

“What babe?” He asks you and you have to close your eyes, so you don’t break and start laughing.

You try to make your voice sound sultrier and you fake moan louder, “Oh god.”

At that though the boys arguing dies down as Alex whispers, “What are you doing?”

You hold your laugh and, “Alex.” falls from your lips in a breathy moan. And it’s loud enough for everyone to hear.

“Y/N, fuck off.” You hear your brother shout, clearly not amused.

You however come straight back with a very load moan of, “Alex fuck.”

“Matt I’m not touching her.” Alex shouts and you open your eyes to see Alex propped up to the side of you, looking at you like he was scared.

You don’t give it a second thought before you gasp even louder, “Right there Al”

You can hear Miles cackling below you both and you don’t let up with the moans you’re making despite wanting to laugh too. Next you raise your hand up to the ceiling of the bunk as if you’re using it to brace yourself, “Fuck.”

“Oh my god, don’t stop.” You plead in a desperate way as you look to your mortified boyfriend.

“Y/N shut up.” Alex whispers, but it just makes you carry on more.

The fake moans fall from you lips, filling the bunks with your pleads and gasps. Alex is still mortified, but the laughter coming from Jamie, Nick, and Miles just fuels you on.

You go fully Sally Albright on them. A series of loud moans leave your lips like:

“Yes Alex yes!”

“Faster.”

“Oh god.”

“Don’t stop!”  

Alex shouts over your loud voice, “Matt, I fucking swear I’m not touching her!”

The way you moan, “Fuck Al” seems to just dismiss what Alex said straight away though.

“Stop!” Matt shouts back, obviously angry now.

You immediately contradict in a fake moan, “Don’t stop!”

“Alex!” You all but scream as you bang on the ceiling of the bunk again a few times.

You go to take it a step further, but you’re apparently not allowed, “Fuck, Alex plea-”

Your boyfriend puts his hand over your mouth so you can’t carry on. However, you just start dramatically fake moaning, and it sounds a lot dirtier because his hand is over your mouth.

You carry on until you get a rise out of Matt despite Alex pleading with you to stop with a scared look on his face. But you know your brother was about to stop so you just looked at your boyfriend’s gorgeous brown eyes and carried on.

And before you know it Matt is swearing getting himself out of his bunk and the curtain of yours is practically ripped open. As soon as you see sight of your brother you stop the fake moans completely as if it never happened.

Alex holds both his hands up in the air as if he’s being held at gunpoint. Matt can quite clearly see you're fully clothed and have a massive shit eating grin on your face.

“Damn that was good, thanks Al.” You joke to your boyfriend but you’re looking at your brother.

Matt holds up a finger at you and warns, “You’re on very thin ice right now.”

He looks angry and embarrassed all at once. He’s bright red but looks absolutely fuming so you can’t stop your laugh.

You giggle questioning, “Why because you know your best mate can fuck your sister?”

Jamie bursts out laughing at that and you crumble into a louder laugh.

“Stop it.” Alex gasps, playfully hitting your shoulder once again looking petrified as he glanced from you to your brother.

“I don’t need to hear whatever that was.” Matt scorns you and you’re very quick to give him some backchat.

“Did you just admit to us all that you’ve never given Bre an orgasm? Because if you don’t know what those sounds were then I feel sorry for her.” You joke back trying to be cocky.

Jamie’s laugh echoes through the bus and you can hear Miles cackling from below. You could see Nick gasping for breath in a fit of laughter and Alex gasps in shock from beside you.

“You need to fuck off Y/N.” Matt gives you one more death glare before he stalks back to his bunk.

“Oh pull the drum stick out your arse!” You say getting a little annoyed at how your brother couldn’t take a joke. “You better hope our hotel rooms are never next to each other.”

“Shut the fuck up. I won’t tell you again.” Matt says as he gets back into his bunk and shuts his curtain in a strop.

“Aw…” You pout turning back to Alex in your bunk. You give him a quick kiss and then joke, “Better save the next orgasm for the next hotel Darling.”

“I’m begging you to stop talking.” Alex shakes his head, still looking at you a little shocked that you’d actually done what you just had.  

“Don’t worry, I’ll protect you from Matt.” You giggle, and you say louder so the bus can hear you, “He’s not that scary... Just gotta bring up the time he shat himself when we were in the bat house in Chester Zoo and he quietens right down.”

You all hear Matt shout, “Fuck off!”

You and everyone else on the bus, bar Matt, started laughing then and you were still giggling away when you cuddled yourself into your boyfriend's body. Jamie and Miles begin to applaud you during their continued laughter which just makes your giggles difficult to silence.

Alex is still half shocked as he cuddled you into him, loving your humour but not actually believing you just faked an orgasm that loud on a tour bus surrounded by all your mates and your brother. He shakes his head and kisses the top of yours before telling you, “You’re gunna be the death of me.”

“Least it’ll be a fun death.” You joke and Alex laughs.

“You’re right.” Alex chuckles when you look up at him. You're grinning like an idiot and Alex tells you, “I love you, you psycho.”

“Love you too, weirdo.” You grin and proceed to kiss him sweetly.

After the kiss though you actually want to go to sleep in your boyfriend's arms peacefully. So despite Nick, Miles, and Jamie all still chuckling away, you turn back towards the curtain to redraw it and as you do you catch Jamie’s eye.

You wink at him before drawing the curtain and Jamie wolf whistles, which has you and Alex giggling away together as you cuddle yourself into him once more. You kiss Alex once more before playfully calling out to the others who were still laughing, “Night boys”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Thank you for reading x

[crowtrinkets]

Your Weary Widow Marches

A Gender Neutral MCxFelix fic in which our dear barista educates their teacher and shows him some music from their home.

I’ve never really written fanfiction before but I thought Id give it a shot. The formatting looks weird on my end so if it looks weird after posting I apologize I couldn’t figure it out. Hope you enjoy!

—-

The crackling fire and pages being turned were the only sounds heard for the past few hours. Felix and I sat on either side of a couch placed in Anisa’s office silently reading our respective books. I’ve been in Astraea for nearly a week and had I known that Felix’s teaching method would be done via reading books the size of an encyclopedia I probably would have chosen Sage or Anisa instead... probably

I glance up at Felix, he’s sitting with legs crossed slouching on the arm rest of the couch, glasses on and enthralled in his book. I'm leaning with my back against the arm rest facing Felix, peering at him from behind my knees. I watch as his eyes scan the pages, partially hiding behind my book so he doesn’t notice me stare. I rub my eyes, dry from the endless reading of Astraean history. I know plenty of history and lore from this world thanks to countless hours of playing Last Legacy and stalking forums, but I don’t think I could’ve convinced Felix of that without having to explain what video games are let alone the internet. He thought if I were to learn magic I should at least know part of its history and it’s contribution to their society. 

Despite spending some time with Felix I'm still amazed at the attention span he has for reading. I scan the room trying not to move too much lest I be scolded by the warden. I glance over at the high back chair across the room. The one Anisa sat me in after my jaunt through Felix’s portal and painfully onto Anisa's desk. My mind begins to wander. 

I’ve only been here a short time but I feel like I’ve adjusted well. I wonder what's happening on Earth. Does time pass the same at home like how it does in this realm? World? Alternate universe? I still don’t exactly know how to explain my predicament. Has anyone noticed I'm gone yet? I wonder if I’m on the missing persons list, someone at work will have noticed I didn’t show up for my shifts. I cringe slightly at that last thought, my open book now resting on my chest. Ah damn it, I’m definitely fired aren’t I. How am I gonna pay my bills.... and my home, I miss my bed....my plants. SHIT MY PLANTS. I bring my hand to my face and cringe, my beloved house plants they’re going to wither away in my absence. Fate is such a cruel mistress.

“Bored of reading are we?” I slightly jump at Felix’s comment. I bring my hand down and look at him. Staring at me through his glasses a smirk on his lips. I flush slightly and close my book.

“No I just, got to thinking about Earth, and my life, I guess I’m just a little home sick,” I mumble out those last words. I want to be honest with Felix but I don’t want him beating himself up for my situation. I mean yes he is the reason I’m stuck here but I don't hate him for it. Felix frowns and closes his own book.

“Ah... I am sorry about that, I-“ I sit up interrupting him.

“No no no, I'm not mad at you, I’m actually quite enjoying my time here. I mean I don’t have to make drinks for annoying customers everyday here,” I force a laugh but it comes out awkwardly. Felix gives me a quizzical look. I then realize, with the amount of times he calls “dear barista” I just assumed he knew what it meant. “Yknow, my job? A barista?” Felix flushes and avoids looking at me.

“I must admit.. I do not actually know what that is,” I cant help but chuckle, the great necromancer Felix, is embarrassed to not know something.

“Well my dear teacher," I emphasize the word teacher mimicking the way he calls me, "allow me to educate you on some Earth information,” I sit cross legged and scoot closer to him book in my lap. Felix adjusts to face me properly and removes his glasses. I clear my throat and smile at him. “My part time occupation of being a Barista, requires me to make drinks for customers and sell them, more often I make coffee but sometimes people order tea. We sell pastries as well,” Felix gives me yet another confused look.

“All you do is prepare drinks and flakey confectioneries?” I nod in response with a smile, I can only imagine what he assumed a Barista was. Felix chuckles and runs a hand through his hair, “All this time I thought it was something more complicated, you described your customers as being annoying? I am assuming you do not like this particular job?”

“Well, I don't hate it but the customers can get a little rude and for the dumbest reasons too. One time a woman threw her drink at me claiming I added 3 1/2 shots of espresso and rather than 3,” I laugh to my self looking back at the memory, chuckling more when I see Felix’s horrified expression.

“A woman... threw a drink at you? Because she deemed it made incorrectly? I did not except Earth customs to be so. . . Barbaric,” Felix looks at me astonished and confused but all I can do is laugh. “And why are you laughing? Are you alright did she hit your head when she assaulted you with a beverage?” Felix is now standing while I clutch my stomach in pain, the combination of the story and Felix’s confusion is too much to bare. After a minute I manage to calm down enough to speak.

“No no, she did not hit me in the head, I’m just laughing cause it was funny, well at the time it wasn’t but my co workers took pictures and I looked ridiculous. I can laugh about it now,” I wipe a stray tear from my eye as I recount the experience. Thank god her drink was iced. 

“Picture?” Felix chimes in. I try to think of how to explain how photography works but I come up with an idea.

“Why don’t I show you?” I stand handing Felix my book and I jaunt over to Anisa’s desk. I let her peruse my backpack because she seemed so interested in my “Earthly items” as she called them. I walked back over and sit on the floor, patting the ground next to me so Felix can join. 

“You known there is a perfectly good sofa right next to you, I don’t understand why you wish to sit on the ground like we are mere children,” but despite his protests Felix sits next to me still clutching our books. I rummage through my back tossing the other items to the side. My wallet, a flyer, a jacket, that granola bar which has definitely crumbled to pieces in its package. Until I finally find it, my phone. My first night here I instinctively tried to use it, forgetting I am now stuck in a world without wifi or cell towers. In an effort to hopefully conserve its battery I hard shut off my phone I did not think I would need it but now is an opportunity for me to educate Felix about my world rather than his and tell him a little about myself. Really I just want a reason to prolong my time from reading anymore history. I hold the power button and silently pray. Please have some battery left, please please. Felix is leaning towards me, his face inching closer to mine, I glance at him studying his expression. He looks confused, and curious at the same time, there's a slight scrunch in his brow like he’s trying to seem like he understands what I’m doing, but I know he doesn’t. In that moment his eyes meet mine, I turn my head to fully face him, a blush creeps up his face and I can feel mine begin to warm as well. “Felix-“

BING

We both jump at the sound of my phone turning on. Damn phone, well I guess I kinda asked for that. Felix sits back and clears his throat.

“Um, what, what is that?” His voice wavers slightly but I choose to ignore it to save him some dignity.

“Its my phone, on Earth nearly everyone has one of these. You can use it to communicate with other people, take pictures, look things up, and listen to music.” I begin to unlock it and open my photo album.

“You can communicate with other people? On this... this flat brick?” Felix points accusatory at my phone the scrunch in his eyebrows have intensified creating deep crevices on his forehead. I nod while I scroll through trying to find the photo. 

“Yup and take pictures, such as this one,” I turn my phone to face Felix revealing the image documenting the after affects of being assaulted with coffee. He leans over to get a better look. In the picture I'm standing by the cash register, soaked through my clothes in an extra large coffee's amount of liquid. The brown liquid stains my apron and the parts on my white shirt poking out from underneath. There's smeared whipped cream going across my shoulder up my neck and partially along my jaw, and the scowl on my face could kill a man. The instant I show the picture to Felix he plants a hand over his mouth to stifle his laughter. He turns away in an attempt to hide his amusement but I know he wont last.

“Im-I must apologize I did not mean to laugh but, but the look on your face is hilarious,” Felix faces me again trying to hide his smile with the back of his hand. I start to chuckle, I turn the phone back to me and swipe to the next picture. Its a similar picture but in this one my co worker put whipped cream on top of my head, something about it “completing the look”. When I show this picture to Felix it breaks his terrible attempt of remaining poise. He laughs loudly, and it’s extremely contagious. I laugh along with him reminiscing in his beautiful laugh. Every once in a while we calm down until we look at the picture and we start up again. After a bit I’m able to calm down enough to speak.

“Don’t feel bad for laughing, at the time I was pissed but my co workers cheered me up and now I have these memories to laugh at,” I start to look through my album again as Felix calms down from his laughing high. I find more pictures to show him. Some are of me at work with my co workers, one picture of me laughing as I held a dog that jumped through the drive through window. I show him more pictures, some are of earth sunsets which Felix claimed to look like they belong in a painting. I also show him a picture of some Geese I saw while on a walk, and then a picture of said Geese chasing me. This gets Felix to laugh again but not as hard.

“You lead an interesting life on Earth, it seems similar to Sage you are also prone to provoke others into attacking you,” I roll my eyes at Felix’s joke and give him a friendly shoulder bump. Its at this moment I realize how close he’s sitting. Our books set aside and Felix is leaning on one arm politely looking over my shoulder at my phone, I can tell he doesn’t really understand how it works but it seems he’s enjoying this moment to much to ask. In an attempt to keep the sweet moment I change the subject.

“Hey do you want to listen to some Earth music?” With a nod from Felix I close the app and instinctively go to press my streaming app. Damn no Internet. I think for a second and remember I have some music I bought in times before streaming apps existed. I find the app and open it. Dear god my taste was cringey. I scroll through the songs until I stumble across a less than embarrassing song. “This is a classic where I come from, everyone has heard this song at least once. I lay back onto the floor so I can properly listen to the music. Felix looks at me and awkwardly lays down as well, I click on the song allowing it to play.

Just a small town girl

Livin' in a lonely world

She took the midnight train goin' anywhere

Just a city boy

Born and raised in South Detroit

He took the midnight train goin' anywhere

Felix gives me a puzzled look but I just shrug and look up at the ceiling. I close my eyes and take in the song as it plays. If I concentrate hard enough I can imagine my self back on Earth. Sitting in my room listening to 80s music while I do laundry or cook my dinner. I start to feel nostalgic again but I try not let my emotions take over. The song ends and I pause it before it plays the next song. I roll onto my side and rest my head on my hand.

“So what’d you think?” I beam at Felix, I genuinely want to know what he thinks of Earth music, and more specifically a song that I am quite fond of. Felix is laying flat on his back, he ankles crossed and his hands laying on his chest. He looks nervous to be laying on the ground next to me but has made no attempts to leave.

“I thought it was... interesting to say the least. It had quite a captivating story although I was confused when the subject changed multiple times, and what exactly are they trying to “not stop believing” in” Felix does air quotes and seems genuinely enthralled in the “story” of the song. I smile and start to look for another song. 

“How about you choose the next one?” I tilt my phone towards him. Felix sits up at my question.

“I dont feel very well versed in Earth music though,” He mumbles. I shrug at his comment.

“Just pick one with a name that sounds interesting to you” I show Felix how to use the phone and hand it to him laying back down. I peek at Felix, he’s holding the phone in one hand and is scrolling with the other, he’s holding it like an old man. I watch his face, he’s thoroughly looking at every single song title and determining whether they are interesting or not. I find it... cute, his concentration face is cute. Oh if he caught me staring I know he would become a blubbering blushing mess, I mean I would be too. I close my eyes again as I wait for him to pick. 

“This one seems interesting,” I hum in response, but when Felix says the title out-loud and panic seizes through me. I sit up and shout WAIT but I'm too late. He already pressed it. And then I hear it.

That dreaded, infamous G note. Felix turns towards me surprised and hastily hands the phone to me, I pause it before another note can play.

“Hells MC what will that song make my head explode or something??? You nearly made my heart stop.” Felix takes a deep breath with his hand on his chest.

“I'm sorry, that song its kind of embarrassing actually,” I can feel myself flushing, I look away in embarrassment at the fact that I had that song downloaded and the fact that I nearly sent my teacher into cardiac arrest.

“Embarrassing how?” Felix looks at me puzzled. I open my mouth to speak but then stop. Hold on a second, Felix doesn’t know this band, let alone what an emo phase is. Well judging by his raven skull necklace he does but not in the way I do. I guess it wouldn’t be so bad if we listened to it. I do still like their music. But god did it HAVE to be this song. I clear my throat and look back at Felix.

“Nothing, it’s nothing I was just being dramatic,” I stifle a laugh. “We can listen to it, I actually quite like this band,” Felix nods and turns to face my direction, were now both sitting cross legged and I press play on the song. I smile a little as the song plays and close my eyes again. I cant even remember the last time I listened to this song. My mind begins to wander again, to my younger years when I first heard this song.

 I was such a try hard back then, wanting so badly to “be different” but also to mend the emotional pain I was going through, and this band really helped me through it. This song is a little more narrative than the last one so I hope Felix would like it. I can’t believe I freaked out like I did god he must think I'm crazy, or maybe that lady really did hit my head when she threw that drink at me. As the song plays I silently hum to it, quiet enough so that Felix might not hear. I drink in the lyrics and instruments and it feels like I'm listening to it again for the first time. 

The song ends and I open my eyes again to pause the music before it plays another one.

“So what did you think of tha-“ before I can continue I'm stopped by the sight of Felix’s face. His eyes are misty and his nose is colored pink. Was he... was he crying? Felix looks at me and his eyes go wide. He quickly turns away and rubs at his face.

“There-there is quite a lot of dust on this floor, honestly you would think Annie would have any sense to clean in here every once in a while,” I cant help but smile, wow he really is a goth child. 

“It’s ok Felix, this song makes me cry sometimes too,” Felix side eyes me and sniffles.

“I-I was not crying, yes I admit the song was... moving to say the least…. But, but I will not be mocked by you for my emotions,” Felix turns to face me again refusing to meet my eyes, his voice turning accusatory. I scoot closer to Felix and place a hand on his shoulder. He looks at me astonished and slightly flushed, either from the contact or the crying, I mean dust, I will never know.

“Congratulations” I say with a smile. Felix’s puzzled look twists even more.

“What ever are you talking about,” Felix questions.

“You’re emo now,”

[itsclydebitches]

Hello again! Im the tinfoil hat anon with the long ass asks and I finally had the time to read your response. Thank you, it makes my day reading your answers. I honestly just enjoyed them over a cup of coffee like a good book.

Now, the gun pointing scene I mentioned was in fact the one from the droid fight facility like the other anon suggested. But I really liked that you covered the boat scene too, I haven’t thought of it much myself and now I definitely have!

I also would like to mention I love your “candy bar” choice analogy and I 100% agree Hunter’s “invitation” to join back wasn’t welcoming in the slightest. It is very likely just an obligation as you said. Sort of “you gave us a chance, we owe you a chance too”.

And the problem with it is now I am struggling to figure out how the batch members might change their attitude toward Crosshair going forward, especially Hunter. As of right now Crosshair’s best relationship is not with his brothers but with Omega(as surprising as this is). And I think he does realize now she cared about him the most out of all of them during the short time they interacted(both 1st and last episodes). Even between themselves(not counting Omega) I find most of the bad batch members to be cold and distant to each other. They feel less like a family than Rebels for example. And they aren’t even a “found family”(a trope everyone loves) but an actual one! And I get that they’re soldiers and supposed to be tough, I don’t expect them to share all “the feels”. I just can’t put my finger on it but something feels off. I agree with your previous post, the show doesn’t do a very good job showing or even telling they love each other.

Will Hunter and co only start caring about their brother again only after he leaves the empire?(assuming he does at some point). What about Disney’s prevailing theme and message that “family always love and care for each other no matter what”? I guess it’s “family always love and care for each other but only if you’re good guys making right choices”. There is no room for mistakes or wrong decisions. In the last episode everyone form the batch seemed to have given up on Crosshair(besides Omega). For now their attitude seems to be just “you’re not our enemy” and that’s that.

I realize Crosshair is a “bad guy” and consciously made his choice(and we know it’s the wrong one) but to me it felt like he thought he didn’t even had a choice or rather became so lost and confused he actually thought he chose the empire as “the lesser evil”(as in the less shitty choice out of all the other bad ones). We as audience have the benefit to know exactly how atrocious the empire really is but maybe Crosshair still doesn’t realize that.

So what exactly must Crosshair do to get back “in their good graces” as you say? Start saving “the good guys”? Save the bad batch multiple times? There is a popular opinion on how Crosshair can redeem himself. That he eventually heroically sacrifices himself to save them. I personally REALLY hope it’s NOT what’s going to happen but I heard so many people speculating his story is set up to be redemption=death. I know you mentioned you don’t want “Vader style redemption” either. Personally I think it would be a waste of a character who has a lot of potential. And I just think that the batch kind of don’t really deserve his sacrifice(maybe save for Omega) after how they never tried to save him themselves and how they treated him overall. Maybe he will risk his life to save Omega at some point and that will “prove” to Hunter he cares? Although he has already shown he cares by saving her(even if in Crosshair’s own words it’s just so they’re “even”). And the thing is, he doesn’t need to prove that he loves them, he already did that in episode 15 and made it clear he does care. He actually went to extreme by shooting his squad to prove his loyalty. What were the moments the batch demonstrated they care about him? Hunter saying “you never were our enemy” and taking his unconscious body to safety? To me Hunter “not leaving him behind” during bombardment felt more like guilt about the last time it happened and an obligation to Crosshair for helping them with droids, rather than them showing care. And I kinda of think if that was any random civilian(or anyone other than an enemy or a threat) they would carry them out too just because that’s what good guys do and not because it’s their brother. You also mentioned that minutes later Hunter snaps at him with “if you want to stay here and die, that’s your choice” which I agree can be interpreted in different ways. And I think it’s one more point to it being an obligation that in Hunter’s eyes is fulfilled now. He corrected his mistake of leaving a brother behind and saved him this time, now his guilt won’t burden him any longer.

Anyway, I can’t wait for season 2 and I appreciate you and all the anons sharing the tinfoil hat, interacting and speculating together. Those discussions have been a lot of fun!

TLDR: How do your think the relationship between the brothers will mend or evolve in the next season? Do you think S2 will improve in portraying the batch more as a family rather than a group of mercs doing missions together? What are your thoughts on the popular idea of Crosshair’s redemption by ultimate sacrifice? As in, how likely do you think this scenario is?

Anon, that is just wonderfully hilarious to me. Ah yes, the sunrise, a good cup o' joe, and the overly long character analysis of a snarky, fictional sniper. Exactly what everyone needs in the morning! 😆

You know, TBB is far from the first show I've watched where there's an obvious, emotional conclusion the creator wants the audience to come to—the squad all love each other Very Much—yet that conclusion isn't always well supported by the text. It creates this horribly awkward situation where you're going, "Yes, I'm fully aware of what the show wanted to do, but this reading, arguably, did not end up in the story itself. So what are we talking about here? The intention, or the execution?" It's like Schrödinger's Bad Batch where the group is simultaneously Very Loving and Very Distant depending on how much meta-aspects are influencing your reading: those authorial intentions, understanding of how found family tropes should work, fluff focused fics/fan art that color our understanding of the characters, etc. And, of course, whether someone saw TCW before they watched TBB. I personally wouldn't go quite so far as to say they're "cold" towards one another—with Crosshair as an exception now—but there wasn't the level of bonding among the squad that I expected of a show called The Bad Batch. Especially compared to their arc in TCW. The other night I re-watched the season seven premiere and was struck not just by how much more the squad interacted with each other back then, but how those interactions added depth to their characters too. For example, Crosshair is the mean one, right? He's the one picking fights with the Regs? Well yeah... but it's also Wrecker. While they're trying to decide what to do with Cody injured, Jesse calls out Crosshair on his attitude—"You can't talk to Captain Rex like that!"—and Wrecker's immediate response is, "Says who?" and he hefts Jesse into the air. And then he just holds him there, clearly using his superior strength to do as he pleases, until Hunter (sounding pretty angry) tells him to put Jesse down. If Wrecker had put him into a more classically understood bullying position, like pinning him to the ground, it would probably read as less funny—less "Haha strong clone lifts Jesse up in the air!" and more "Oh shit, strong clone can do whatever the hell he wants to the Regs and few are able to stop him." It's such a quick moment, but it tells us a ton about Wrecker. That he's going to stick up for his brothers, no matter the context (Crosshair deserves to be called out). That he will gleefully assist Crosshair in bothering the Regs (something that is reinforced when he later throws the trays in the mess hall, after Hunter has already deescalated the situation). That he's likely been hurt by awful treatment from the Regs too. That he'll only listen to Hunter when it comes to backing off. Little of this work—that interplay among the squad that shows us new sides to them other than basic things like "Wrecker is the nice, happy brother"—exists in TBB.

Or, at least, little exists after Omega becomes an official member of the squad.

Because, as said previously, she becomes the focus. I don't mean that as a total criticism. As established, I love Omega. But if we're talking about why the squad can feel so distant from each other, I think she's the root cause, simply because the story became all about her relationships with the Batch, rather than the Batch's relationships with each other. Having dived headfirst into reading and writing fic, it occurred to me just how many of the bonding moments we love, the sort of stuff we'll see repeated in fics because we understand that this is where the story's emotional center is, are given to Omega in canon:

Someone is hurt and in need of comfort. Omega's emotional state is the focus + moments like her being worried over Hunter getting shot.

Someone needs to learn a new skill. Echo teaches Omega how to use her bow.

Someone reveals a skill they never knew they had before. Omega is a strategic genius and plays her last game with Hunter.

Someone is in serious danger and in need of rescue. Omega rescues the group from the slavers + is the most vocal about rescuing Hunter. (Which, again, is a pretty sharp contrast to the whole Crosshair situation.) Omega, in turn, needs rescuing from things like the decommission conveyor belt.

Similarly, someone is kidnapped and in need of rescue. Omega is kidnapped twice by bounty hunters and the Batch goes after her.

Someone saves another's life. Omega saves Crosshair from drowning.

Someone does something super sweet for another. Wrecker gives Omega her room. Omega gives Wrecker Lula.

A cute tradition is established between characters. Wrecker has his popcorn-esque candy sharing with Omega.

Someone hurts someone else and has to ask forgiveness. Wrecker is upset about nearly shooting Omega and they have that sweet moment together.

Note that most of these examples could have occurred between other Batch members, but didn't. Someone could have created a space for Echo on the ship too. Wrecker also could have apologized to Tech for choking him, etc. It's not that those moments shouldn't happen with Omega, just that there should be more of a balance across the whole season, especially for a show supposedly focused on the original squad. Additionally, it's not that cute bonding moments between the rest of the Batch don't exist. I love Hunter selling Echo off as a droid. I love Wrecker and Tech bickering while fixing the ship. I love the tug-of-war to save Wrecker from the sea monster. Yes, we do have moments... it's just that comparatively it feels pretty skewed in Omega's direction.

So, as a VERY long-winded way of answering your question, I think we need to fix the above in order to tackle Crosshair's redemption in season two. Now that we've had a full season focused on Omega, we need to strike a better balance among the rest of the squad moving forward. We need to re-established the "obvious" conclusion that the rest of the Batch loves Crosshair and that's done (in part) by establishing their love for one another too. To my mind, both goals go hand-in-hand, especially since you can develop their relationship with Crosshair and their relationships with each other simultaneously. Imagine if instead of just having Wrecker somewhat comically admit that he misses Crosshair (like he's dead and they can't go get him??), he and Tech had a serious conversation about why they can't get him back yet, despite very much wanting to. Imagine if Echo, the one who was rescued against all odds, got to scream at Hunter to go get Crosshair like Omega screamed at them to go back for Hunter. Imagine if we'd gotten more than a tiny arc in TCW to establish the Batch's dynamic with each other, providing a foundation for how they would each react to Crosshair's absence. Instead, what little we've got in TBB about Crosshair's relationship with his brothers is filtered through Omega: Omega's embarrassment that she knocked over Crosshair's case, Omega treating Crosshair's comm link like a toy, Omega's quest to save Hunter that just happened to involve Crosshair along the way.

Obviously, at this point we can't fix how the first season did things, but I think we can start patching over these issues in season two. It would be jarring—we'd still be 100% correct to ask where this "Brothers love you, support you, and will endlessly fight for you" theme was for Crosshair's entire time under the Empire's thumb... but I'd take an about-face into something better than not getting any improvement at all. It is frustrating though, especially for a show that I otherwise really, really enjoyed. For me, the issue isn't so much that the show made a mistake (since no show is perfect), but that the mistake is attached to such a foundational part of the franchise. Not just in terms of "SW is about hope and forgiveness" but the specific relationship most clones have with each other: a willingness to go above and beyond for their brothers. The focus on Omega aside, it's hard to believe in the family dynamic when one member of the family was so quickly and easily dismissed. I couldn't get invested in Hunter's rescue as much as I should have because rather than going, "Yes!! Save your brother!!!" my brain just kept going, "Lol where was this energy for Crosshair?" It messes with your reading of the whole story, so in order to fix that mistake going forward, we need to start seeing the bonds that only sometimes exist in season one. Show the guys expressing love for one another more consistently (in whatever way that might be—as you say, soldiers don't have to be all touchy-feely. Give us more moments like Wrecker supporting his brothers' bad habits) and then extend that to Crosshair. Which brother is going to demand that they fight for him? Which brother is going to acknowledge that they never tried to save him? Which brother is going to question this iffy statement about the chip? In order to buy into the family theme, Omega can't be the only one doing that emotional work.

Ideally, I wouldn't want Crosshair to go out of his way to prove that he's a good guy now. I mean, I obviously want him to stop helping the Empire and such, duh lol, but I'm personally not looking for a bunch of Extra Good Things directed at the Batch as a requirement for forgiveness. Simply because that would reinforce the idea that they're 100% Crosshair's victims, Crosshair is 100% the bad guy, and he's the only one who needs to do any work to fix this situation. Crosshair needs to stop doing bad things (working for Empire). But the Batch needs to start doing good things too (reaching out to him). Especially since Crosshair made a good play already, only to be met with glares and distrust. He saved Omega! And AZI! And none of them cared. So am I (is Crosshair) supposed to believe that saving one of their lives again will result in a different reaction? That doesn't make much sense. And no, his own life wasn't at risk when he did that, but does every antagonist need to die/nearly die to prove they're worth fighting for? As you say, he's already shown that he loves them, far more than they've shown the reverse. Every time Crosshair hurt them (attacking) it was while he was under the chip's influence. In contrast, the group has no "I was being controlled" excuse for when they hurt him (abandonment). Season two needs to acknowledge the Batch's responsibility in all this—and acknowledge that they're all victims of the Empire—in order to figure out an appropriate arc for Crosshair's redemption.

Right now, the issue is not Crosshair loving his brothers, the issue is how Crosshair chooses to express that love: trying to keep them safe and giving them a purpose in life by joining the organization that's clearly going to dominate the galaxy. The only way to fix that, now that his offer has been rejected, is for him to realize that a life on the run from the Empire, together, is a better option for everyone. And the only way for that to happen is for the Batch to seriously offer him a place with them again. They need to make the first move here. They need to fight for him. And yeah, I totally get that a lot of people don't like that because it's not "fair." He's the bad guy. He's with the fascist allegory. He's killed people and has therefore lost any right to compassion and effort from the good guys... but if that's the case, then we just have to accept that (within the story-world, not from a writing perspective) Crosshair is unlikely to ever come back from this. When people reach that kind of low, they rarely pull themselves out on their own. They need other people to help them do that. Help them a lot. But with the exception of Omega's reminder—which Crosshair can't believe due to how everyone else has treated him—they leave him alone and seem to expect him to fix himself first, then he gets their support. It needs to be the other way around. Support is what would allow him to become a good guy again, not "Well, you'll get our love when you're good again, not before." That's unlikely to occur and, as discussed, it doesn't take into account things like this bad guy life being forced on Crosshair at the start. If the story really wanted this to be a matter of ideological differences... then make it about ideological differences. Let Crosshair leave of his own free will, right at the start. Don't enslave him for half the season, have him realize he was abandoned, imply all that brainwashing, give him no realistic way out, and then punish him for not doing the right thing. This isn't a situation where someone went bad for the hell of it—the story isn't asking us to feel compassion for, say, the Admiral—it's a situation where Crosshair was controlled and now can't see a way out. That context allows for the Batch, the good guys, to fight for him without the audience thinking the show is just excusing that behavior. They should have been fighting from the start, but since they didn't, I hope we at least start seeing that in season two.

Ultimately though... I don't really expect all of the above. The more balanced dynamics and having the Batch fight for Crosshair rather than Crosshair going it alone... I wouldn't want to bet any money on us getting it, just because these are things that should have been established in season one and would have been more easy to pull off in season one. (If the Batch wouldn't fight for Crosshair while he was literally under the Empire's control, why would they fight now when he's supposedly acting of his own free will? It's backwards in terms of the emotional effort involved.) But again, it could happen! I'd be very pleased if it did happen, despite the jarring change. I don't want to make it sound like I think they're going to write off Crosshair entirely. Far from it, I think there are too many details like his sad looks for that, to say nothing of Omega's compassion. But the execution of getting him on Team Good Guys again might be preeeetty bumpy. I expect it to revolve around Crosshair's sins and Crosshair's redemption, even if what I would like is balancing that with Crosshair's loss of agency, the Batch's mistakes, and their own redemption towards him.

Honestly though, I just hope that whatever happens happens soon. It's a personal preference, absolutely, but after a season of Crosshair as the antagonist, I'm ready for him to be back with the group, making the Empire (and bounty hunters) the primary enemy. Whether his return happens through a mutual acknowledgement of mistakes, or through Crosshair being depicted as the only one in the wrong who has to do something big to be forgiven... just get him back with the squad lol. Because if the writing isn't going to delve into that nuance, then the longer he remains unforgiven, the longer some of us have to watch a series while going, "Wait, wait, wait, I really don't agree with how you're painting this picture."

[sandwichrin]

A Little into You (Junkyu x Reader) (Ch. 9)

Chapter 9 - A step further.

Word count: 3k words

Genre: Fanfiction, PG13, Comedy, Romance.

A/N: Hi! Here’s Chapter 9! Thank you so much for waiting, and I really hope you all love this one 😀🧡

Now, it had been three weeks since you last met any of the Treasure members since you all had that lunch at the Japanese Restaurant. What’s that? Did you read that right?

Yes, it’s been three weeks.

And by now, the group chat that you and the 5 members have, had already expanded after Yedam added in the rest of the group in there.

This was your first time being in a group chat with these many people. Aside from your office’s group chat of course.

So one day whilst at work, you received a text from the Treasure group you were in.

 Chatroom:

Junkyu: Yeorobun~ Jihoon is asking if you all want to get some IKEA meatballs after today’s schedule!

Hyunsuk: Oh? But we’re finishing quite late today. Are you sure they’re still open late at night?

Junkyu: Oh. Right. @Jihoon Hey! Why did you recommend IKEA?? You know they don’t open after 11pm!

Jihoon: 😂😂😂 I knew they don’t.

Junkyu: ???? Then? Why’d you tell me to ask the group about it??

Jeongwoo: 😂😂 Junkyu-hyung…

Jihoon: I just like messing with you. Besides, you chatted the group with y/n in it so…. 😏

Y/n: ….are you guys okay….

 You smiled to yourself reading the chat again. It was silly, yet, amusing. You sort of missed talking to your new friends to be honest.

“Y/n, Mr Bae is looking for you,” your colleague, Soomin said, making you stop looking at your phone.

“Oh? Oh, right. I’ll go to him now,” You said as you got up from your seat.

Soomin nodded and went back to her desk not far from yours.

                                                               *

 Jihoon was grabbing himself a cup of water from the practice room’s water dispenser when he heard his best friend yell from behind him.

“YAH! PARK JIHOON! What’d you do that for???” Junkyu huffed, as he entered the door of the room.

Jihoon chuckled and drank his water before setting the cup down and facing his best friend.

“What? I didn’t do much?”

“Yahhhh, that was so embarrassing!” Junkyu exclaimed, as he ruffles his hair.

“Hm? What? Hey, I only asked you to ask the rest about IKEA and you were the one who chatted the wrong group,” Jihoon stated matter-of-factly.

“We need to change the group’s name! Y/n must think I’m dumb now,” Junkyu said, pouting.

“Sure, sure, we can change it later. We can write it as Treasure x Y/n. How’s that? Sounds like a collaboration, right?” Jihoon snickered as he pulls out his phone from his pocket.

“Whatever, as long as I don’t have to embarrass myself anymore,”

“Hmm?” Jihoon hummed. “Since when do you care about what y/n thinks of you, huh?”

“I-I don’t! I just don’t want to appear dumb, that’s all,” Junkyu stuttered slightly.

Jihoon grinned at him, “Sure, Junkyu.”

“Hey!” Hyunsuk’s voice appeared as he entered the practice room.

Both Jihoon and Junkyu turned to see who it was.

“You guys are early today. Your vocal training ended early?” Hyunsuk asked as he headed towards where Jihoon was, grabbing himself a cup of water from the water dispenser as well.

Both Jihoon and Junkyu nodded at his question.

Hyunsuk gulped down his drink, disposed the cup and walked to the middle of the room. There, he sat down and gestured the rest to sit with him.

“What are you both doing standing there? Come, sit! You should get proper leg rest before we start dancing later on,”

Junkyu and Jihoon went towards him and sat with him.

“So…what do you guys want for dinner tonight? Minus the IKEA idea of course,” Hyunsuk said.

Jihoon giggled when he saw Junkyu tense up from the word IKEA.

“No, noo! I didn’t mean it that way Junkyu,” Hyunsuk said, laughing a little. “Really though, where do you all want to order from for dinner?”

“I’m fine with whatever you guys are having,” Jihoon said.

“You guys want to gather in one dorm and just eat altogether there?” Hyunsuk asked, now scrolling his phone, searching for a suitable food menu for dinner.

“Sure, sounds okay with me,” Junkyu said. He tugged on the string of his pink treasure hoodie, realising that the strings were uneven.

“Ahh,” Jihoon stretched his arms out before laying down on the floor. “Hmm. Hey, Junkyu, do you want to invite y/n as well?”

Junkyu choked on his own saliva hearing Jihoon mention your name again. “Wh-what??”

Jihoon and Hyunsuk started laughing out loud.

“Hey, Jihoon, stop teasing Junkyu like that. He’ll hit us both later if you keep doing that to him,”

“Yeah! Why are you always mentioning her name here, huh? If you want to invite her so bad, why don’t you do it, huh?” Junkyu huffed as well.

Jihoon got up and sat back up properly. “Hey, don’t say that. I just might really invite her, you know,” he smirked at his two friends there.

“But y/n doesn’t know where we live? And I don’t think the rest are ready to reveal where we live to her too. I mean, we’ve only known her for what, a month or two?” Hyunsuk wondered aloud.

Jihoon shook his head. “Who says it has to be at our dorms?”

“Oh? Then, where?” Junkyu asked, extreme confusion portrayed on his face.

Jihoon smiled, showing his eye smile at his friends. “I’ll take care of it. Just find us some good food for takeout tonight,”

                                                                *

 “I don’t think that’s necessary Mr Bae,” you said, shaking your head from the idea he mentioned before you.

“Oh come on, y/n! You’ve been working here for over a year! It’s only reasonable you get promoted to do something else,” he said.

You kept quiet. Truthfully, you didn’t think you deserved any promotion at all. A raise in your salary? Maybe yes to that, but a new post?

Your eyes were kept lowered, as you stare at your thighs as you stay seated opposite Mr Bae’s desk.

Mr Bae is the president of the company, and yes, he is your teacher’s son. This was the man who gladly took you in to work with him when his mother was worried what would become of you when you missed your college entrance exam.

“Y/n,”

Your eyes lifted to look at him. “Yes”

“My mother would have wanted this for you too, you know.”

“I…I don’t know, Mr Bae,”

“What’s stopping you? Tell me,”

You shifted uncomfortably in the big chair you’re sitting in. You picked your fingers as you began thinking whether you should voice your concerns to your boss.

“Y/n?”

You inhaled deeply before letting out a deep sigh.

“Alright, fine. You caught me. I am worried. I feel like I don’t deserve this because first, I am the youngest person here, and to be promoted into an important team of the company just makes it seem fishy, don’t you think so? Besides, what’s everyone gonna say when they find out that I’m given that post when in reality all I have is a high school certificate??”

Your president grinned at this. This was the first time you have ever said anything this much to him. You had always been quiet around the people in this company, and seeing you rant out your concerns somewhat eases him.

Mr Bae leaned back into his tall, leather office chair. “Hmm. That’s it? That was all you’re worried about?”

You shook your head in disbelief. How could your president see this as a small matter? You were anxious about this, and yet he was so calm about it.

“Mr Bae, you don’t understand—”

“Please, call me Joonyoung. Or Joon for short. You’re my mother’s friend, and to be frank, our age isn’t that far apart, no?”

Your eyes narrowed at this, “Correction; I was your mother’s student. And, you’re literally 8 years older than I am so—”

Joonyoung laughed at this, clearly amused by you. “Alright, that’s fine, y/n. I’d understand why you’d benchmark yourself. You are indeed, way younger than I am,”

“Yes, indeed,” you huffed.

“But I still think you should accept the promotion,”

You scoffed. “Look, I told you, I am already concerned abou—”

“Soomin recommended you to be in her team too, you know,” he interrupted you before you could nag at him about your reasonings again.

That made you stop. You straightened your posture in your seat.

“S-soomin-eonnie? The one who seats not far in front of me in the office?”

“Yeah. She’s been asking for you to be on her comms team couple of times now, actually. I just didn’t want to push you before this because I knew you would refuse, with your ‘I am only a high school graduate’ excuse,” he said, adding quote marks when he mentioned your excuse.

“But…why?” You asked, confused.

Surely, Soomin is the only person you’ve interacted most in the office, and she’s quite young too, around 6 years older than you. But your interactions with her were mostly work-based. You were in charge of designing brochures, pamphlets, slides, creating reading materials and such for her and her team.

Whereas for Soomin, she was the leader in her unit, the Comms Team; they call it. What her team does was, they would go out on trips to other companies and provide a lecture or meeting for staffs and brief them on how they can incorporate and learn English language for their staff and companies. Sounds easy but it’s a handful once you’ve experienced the pressure of meeting people all around the city.

“So..?” Joonyoung’s voice broke you from your string of thoughts.

“Will you join Soomin? She’s been talking about how helpful you were to her and she felt bad that you were stuck doing all the computer work in the office.” Joonyoung got up from his seat and decided to peek outside his office’s window.

“She said that she felt like you had more potential than just being a person who sits at her desk and doing all mini jobs for everyone else in the office,”

“H-hey! That’s not true! I have students too,” you added, not wanting to make it seem like your job was that pitiful.

Joonyoung turned to look at you now. “Please, y/n, your students are the 3 staff that will soon be leaving to be relocated into Karako W’s office,”

You pouted. You almost forgot about the merge your boss had secured almost a month ago.

“So, let’s just say yes, shall we?” he smiled at you.

You let out a sigh.

“Great! I’ll take that as a yes!” he said happily. “I’ll let my mother know about this, she’ll be happy for you,”

“Sure…”

“Oh come on y/n, cheer up! You’re getting a promotion and a raise! Anyone would be happy to be in your shoes!”

You groaned. “Anyone but me,”

“Hey, at least now in your new post, you get to visit other big companies and collaborate with them,” he smiled, still convincing you.

You blinked a few times. You wondered if you ever got a chance to visit YGE’s company as well?

                                                                    *

 You got back to your desk to see your phone buzzing non-stop. You hurried to sit down and looked at it closely.

4 new messages from Jihoon TRSR

“Huh? Jihoon-ssi?” you muttered to yourself.

Just as you were about to open the messages, your phone started buzzing again in your hands, but this time it was a heavy buzz since it was a call.

Panicked, you answered it without looking at the screen.

“Hello?” You answered, slightly whispering since you didn’t want to disrupt the quiet atmosphere in your office.

 “Y/n! Quick! I need help!” Jihoon’s voice, rang in your ears, all panicked.

“What? Why? What’s wrong Jihoon?” you felt your forehead creasing, now that you heard his panicked voice. Did something bad happen to them?

“Y/n, please. You gotta help us. The management…Jaehyuk…”

“What, what?? What’s going on??” Your tone in your voice rose, now that you were anxious to know what happened. But Jihoon wouldn’t complete his sentences!

“Please, I’ll tell you all about it later. But you gotta help me, help us, please?” he pleaded through the phone.

You took a deep breath and exhaled. Your eyes dart around the office to see if anyone was watching you. None. Coast clear.

“Alright, Jihoon. What can I do for you?”

                                                                 *

 “Bingo!” Jihoon said happily, once he got off the phonecall with you.

The rest of the group looked at him and wondered what he was so happy about.

Jihoon walked to his spot in the choreography formation and did some light stretches since he took a short break to call you just now.

“Hey, Hoon, what are you so happy about, huh?” Hyunsuk said, as he noticed his friend’s beaming reflection from the room’s mirror.

“Nah, I’m just happy about tonight, that’s all,” Jihoon answered, his bright smile still plastered on his face.

“Ookay…”

“Speaking of which, have you decided what to buy for tonight’s dinner?” Jihoon asked Hyunsuk back.

“Oh, I asked the rest and they said they wanted pizza. That good for tonight?”

“Sounds great! And I’ve got the perfect place for us to eat too, tonight!”

Doyoung clapped his hands at this, “Wahhh hyung, both you and Hyunsuk are really treating us really well tonight, huh? What’s the special occasion?” he asked.

“Oh nothing, it’s just for all your hard work today,” Jihoon answered happily.

“Yayyyy! We’re having pizza tonight!” Junghwan cheered happily.

“Oh yeah, where are we going to have dinner tonight? Hyunsuk-hyung’s dorm?” Jaehyuk asked.

Jihoon winked at his dongsaengs. “It’s a surprise.”

                                                                  *

 (Y/n’s Apartment – Nighttime)

 “Eonnie! Eonnie!” you called out.

Your sister’s breathing was ragged and heavy. Like she was suffocating badly.

You got up from your chair beside her bed and ran outside the room, hoping to bump into a doctor who wasn’t busy at the time.

You found one not far from the nurse’s counter, and you grabbed him by the arm.

“Doctor! Please, please, my sister—” you shook your head and gestured him to follow you.

When both you and the doctor arrived in your sister’s room, she was already shaking in her bed, her breathing more ragged now.

The doctor rushed in and checked your sister’s vitals and eyes.

“She’s having a seizure! Nurses, hurry!” he called out loudly.

Soon, you saw two to three nurses rush in to help the doctor.

You stood by the doorframe, holding on to it, as if you were going to fall if you ever let go.

You watched as they tried to tend to your sister and your tears wouldn’t stop flowing down your cheeks. You were sobbing on your own now, watching needles being poked into your sister’s delicate skin again.

You shook your head over and over again, sobbing.

Please don’t leave me, eonnie. Please.

 You woke up from your sleep, panting.

You sat up in your bed slowly, trying to regain yourself.

It was a dream. It was only a dream.

You sniffled to yourself. You realised your cheeks were wet and you proceeded to wipe them on the sleeves of your shirt.

“Ah shucks. I can’t believe I cried in my sleep,” you mumbled to yourself.

Eeeeeekkk.

Your eyes widened. What was that? Did you hear wrongly? Or was it really a chair moving?

You gulped. You grabbed your phone on your nightstand and checked the time.

11.37 pm.

You frowned to yourself. Just how early did you fall asleep?

You kept quiet a little longer, just to see if there were any more noises.

A good whole minute passed by. No noise.

“Huh, I must be imagining things,” you assured yourself.

You were about to pull your covers over yourself again when you heard it again.

EEEEeeeeeekkkkk. Eeek.

That sounded like two chairs. Or specifically, the sound of the chair in your kitchen makes because you fairly remember how it sounds like ever since you removed the carpet underneath the chairs to be washed the other day.

Your heart raced. You slowly got up from your bed, slipped on your room slippers and slowly made your way towards the door.

You didn’t open your bedroom door or anything, since you didn’t have the courage to do so. But you pressed your ear against it, just in case you could hear anything.

“What are we doing here, hyung? Aren’t we trespassing?”

“Nah, we’re not. Believe me, this is legal,”

“But she’s not here. She’s probably asleep already,”

“Yeah, hyung, we should leave. This isn’t right,”

“Oh come on you all, she could be curled up in bed reading a book. Who the heck sleeps this early??”

You could your own breathing growing louder. Are there trespassers in your house??

Who should you call? Should you call the police?

Your head turned to look at your phone that you left on your nightstand. You decided to go over there to take it when suddenly you heard the doorknob getting turned.

This is crazy! You were in your pajamas and you didn’t have any weapon on you! Heck, you didn’t have your phone with you right now too!

You decided to just brace yourself and just throw in a hasty punch at whoever this trespasser is. The nerve! How dare they come into your home this time of the night?!

Just then, the door creaked open and you hurriedly pounced on the trespasser, making you both fall to the floor. Your eyes were shut as you swing your arms to punch the person but then you felt a hand grabbing your arm, making you freeze in your spot.

“Whoa! Easy there, cutie. What are you all feisty about?” a familiar voice spoke out.

Huh? That voice.

You opened your eyes to see….Jihoon laying on the floor beneath you, whereas his waist was trapped in between your thighs.

His hand was still holding on to your arm that was raised up earlier.

You furrowed your eyebrows. “Jihoon?? What are you doing here??”

“Aaahhh! I think I just saw something I shouldn’t be seeing!” You heard another voice screaming not far from you.

You lift your head to see who it was, and there it was….the rest of the familiar faces you know…all looking at both you and Jihoon with shocked looks.

  To be continued... 

[panharmonium]

the edge of seventeen [fic]

summary: Daegal forgets his own birthday.  Merlin has a conniption.  Daegal has a crisis.

context for newcomers: This is the next installment in an ongoing AU that @once-and-future-gay​ and I have been playing around with, wherein both Will and Daegal survived into Season 5.  The background for that AU can be found here, and the associated fics (plus one art post) are at the following links: be good / persistence / tournaments / daegal post-carpentry (art).

a/n: @once-and-future-gay​​, this was actually written for your birthday XD  I started it that Tuesday intending for it to be a very short snippet that I could post the same day, but I quickly realized that it was turning into a bigger piece, and now, a week and a half later, it’s a 10k story.  I apologize for how belated it is, but I hope you'll accept it as a birthday gift anyhow - I figured that if it were up to me, I’d rather have ‘more fic’ than ‘on-time fic,’ so - happy (belated) birthday to you, and here’s some more of this AU for you, featuring Daegal and a wide supporting cast! ✨

“Are you trying to slice that thing or just beat it to death?”

Will stared incredulously down the table at Daegal, who continued to hack at the seedpod held between his fingers even though his aggravated chopping did little more than squash the unyielding capsule down into the wood of the table.  “It’s my knife,” Daegal muttered, stabbing at his botanical nemesis.  “It’s dull.” 

“So sharpen it.”  

“I did,” Daegal replied.  “It’s old.  It doesn’t hold an edge.”

Will beckoned for the knife.  Daegal scooted it down the table to him like an innkeeper sliding drinks down the length of the bar, even in defiance of Merlin’s exasperated, “Don’t - !”  But Will caught the knife easily, handle-first, and gave it a disapproving once-over.

“Use mine,” he said, and slid one of his own blades down the table.

“Don’t - !” Merlin bit out again, then sighed and returned to the text he was copying after Daegal intercepted the blade without injury.

“Careful,” Will warned Daegal.  “It’s - ”

Pop.  Daegal startled out of his seat at the first enthusiastic slice of the knife, as the capsule burst and sent hundreds of tiny black seeds scattering in every direction, the dried granules rolling off the edge of the table and pouring onto the floor with a rain-like hiss.

Merlin sighed and rubbed his forehead.  Will picked up his own half-finished carving again and gestured at Merlin’s face.  “You’ve got a bit of ink on you, you know.”

Merlin shot him a flat look.  “Have I?”

“Yeah.  Just over your nose there.”

“Maybe it’s because you keep doing things that make me want to pull my hair out.”

Will gave Daegal a knowing grin across the table.  Daegal, doing his best to contain the spilled seeds, couldn’t help feeling pleased, even if the smile he offered to Will in return was slightly sheepish.  

“Do I?” Will asked Merlin, utterly unconcerned.  “I hadn’t noticed.”

“Stop giving him knives!” Merlin burst out, gesturing broadly at Daegal’s end of the table.

“He’s fine!” Will said.  “He’s a big lad.”

“And he’s making a big mess.”

“I’ll clean it up,” Daegal assured Merlin, scooping the runaway seeds into uncooperative piles.  “I didn’t think it would cut so well, is all.”

“You need better tools,” Will declared.  “Merlin, the man works for you.  Why haven’t you got him outfitted properly?”

Merlin opened his mouth to reply, but before he could say anything, he was interrupted by a rap at the door.  “It’s open,” he called, frowning.  It was a bit late for visitors.

The door swung open, revealing Gwaine, who took only a single step into the physician’s chambers before pausing at the loud crunching sound under his boot.  “Hallo,” he said curiously, lifting up his foot.  “What’s all this, then?”  

“Seeds,” Daegal supplied helpfully, at the same time as Merlin grumbled, “Never mind.  Don’t come in; you’ll track it all over.”

Gwaine obliged, bowing at the waist in deference to Merlin’s directive.  “Don’t mind me,” he said.  “I only came by to see if you lot fancied an excursion.”

“What sort?”

“The lads and I are off to see the sunrise.  Thought you might like to join us.”

It was only after a moment’s confusion that Daegal realized Gwaine was talking about the tavern, in some sort of post-curfew, plausible deniability-laden way.  Daegal wiped seeds from his palms and looked hopefully between Will and Merlin, not daring to believe that they would say yes.  It wasn’t often Gwaine heard the word “no” from someone he’d propositioned, Daegal was willing to bet, but Daegal knew trying to drag Will and Merlin out of their nest two whole bells after curfew, especially when the weather had frosted all the windows, was an extremely optimistic maneuver, even for Gwaine.

Will, predictably, snorted, not even bothering to pretend he was interested.  Merlin did a better job of feigning regret, holding up the heavy text he was copying as if it explained everything.  “Can’t,” he said simply.  “Sorry.  Too much work.  Too late.  Too tired.  Too cold.”

“Any other excuses?” Gwaine asked, the corners of his mouth twitching up.  

“Pick whichever one you like best,” Merlin said, returning to scratch away at his manuscript.  “I’m comfy in here.”

Gwaine gestured amicably at Daegal.  “How about you, lad?”

Daegal’s eyes widened.  Merlin always made tavern nights with Gwaine sound legendary, and the fact that Will groaned every time they came up in conversation made them even more intriguing, but Will, in a surprisingly swift intervention, interrupted before Daegal could even open his mouth.  

“Not a chance,” he said, when Daegal tentatively started to rise from his chair.  “Sit down.”

Gwaine did not seem offended, but simply leaned against the doorframe and grinned in that careless way of his.  “Can’t the lad have a bit of fun?”

“Not with that lot.  Not at this hour.”

“I’ll look after him.”

“You?  By the time you’re done drinking you won’t know him from Bruta.”

Gwaine shrugged.  “Suit yourself.”  He pointed at Daegal.  “Invitation stands, lad.  Another time, maybe.”  

Daegal nodded wistfully, and Gwaine bade them farewell, departing.  Will, shaking his head, returned to his whittling, muttering, “Not ruddy likely.”  He brushed wood shavings off his knees, adding to the mess on the floor.  “Lunatic.”

“He’s a good lunatic,” Merlin said, absorbed in his copying.

“If you say so.”

“I could still go, maybe,” Daegal said.  “I could look after myself.”

Will raised his eyebrows.  “At the Rising Sun?  After curfew?  You’d wake up with your head in a snowbank.”

“No, I wouldn’t.”

“Yes, you would,” Will said, not budging. “Don’t go courting trouble.  You’re too young for that crowd.”

Daegal scrunched up his nose.  He knew that in a contest of stubbornness, Will would win by a mile, but still - “I’m not too young.  I’m seventeen.”

Merlin’s head snapped up from his book, his copying abruptly forgotten.  “You’re sixteen.”

“No,” Daegal said, bewildered by Merlin’s sudden bizarre intensity.  “Seventeen.”

“Since when?”

“I had my birthday last month.”

“You what?”

Daegal, confused, looked between Merlin and Will, the latter of whom sighed.  “Oh, lor.”

“What?” Daegal asked.  “Have I - is that bad?”

“Why didn’t you say something?” Merlin demanded, ignoring Daegal’s question.

“I don’t know,” Daegal replied, taken aback.  He hadn’t even thought of it at the time.  What was there to think about?  It was just another day.  Sometimes he didn’t even remember his birthday had happened until it was already over.  Once he hadn’t remembered until the last week in January, when he’d taken a courier job and been forced to lie about his age.

Merlin looked incensed.  Will, by contrast, looked like he was trying not to laugh.  “Right, then,” he said, getting up and tucking his carving into his pocket.  “I’m off.  You two have fun.”

Daegal had an absurd urge to beg Will to sit back down, because Merlin was starting to get a frankly loony look on his face and Daegal did not understand what was the matter.  But Will just patted Daegal on the top of the head on his way out - tap tap - and let the door swing closed behind him.  

Merlin, his hands on his hips, assessed Daegal with narrowed eyes.  

“I’m sorry?” Daegal ventured, unsure what he was apologizing for.

Merlin pressed his lips together.  “You and him,” he said, pointing to the door where Will had just exited, “you’re two of a kind, you know that?”

Daegal did not know.  He had no idea what Merlin was talking about, in fact, and he was afraid to ask.  He did not exactly want to apologize again, though, because that felt sort of like apologizing for being like Will (although why Merlin seemed to think this was the case was a mystery).

“Right,” Merlin said after a moment.  “Not to worry.  I’ll take care of it.”

Daegal hesitated.  “Take care of what?”

Merlin sighed and shook his head, but did not answer.  Daegal decided that perhaps it would be best if he did not needle Merlin with further questions right now.  His mentor was acting very strange, and Daegal could not possibly imagine what had gotten him so worked up. 

He would just have to ask Will about it later.

As it turned out, Daegal did not have a chance to ask Will about it later.

The next day, Will did not come by.  The day after that, Merlin sent Daegal out to collect more dried seedpods to replace the ones Daegal had mangled, which took all afternoon and was exhausting enough for Daegal to go straight to his little chamber in the servants’ wing and flop into bed after supper.

The morning after that, he woke to find a smiling Elyan hovering barely two inches above his face.  

Daegal stifled a gasp and only just barely stopped himself from whacking Elyan across the nose.  He scrambled upright in the bed, his back pressed against the wall.  “El - Sir Elyan!  What - ”

“Good morning,” Elyan said, as if he could not possibly have been happier to have gotten almost-smacked in the face.  “Merlin sent me down.  Said it’s your birthday.”

Daegal goggled at him.  “My what?”

“Your birthday,” Elyan repeated.  “Isn’t it?”

Daegal shook his head, certain that he was still asleep.  “No.”

“Merlin said you might say that.”  Elyan whipped the covers off Daegal’s legs.  “Up you get.  It’s time for breakfast.”

Daegal shivered violently, his sleep clothes providing little protection against the cold.  “I don’t normally - I’m supposed to go and help Gaius - ”

“Not today.  You’ve been given the day off.”

Daegal stared.  “What for?”

Elyan chuckled.  “Still asleep in there, I see,” he remarked, tossing Daegal a shirt.  “It’s your birthday.  Haven’t I just said that?”

“It’s not, though,” Daegal said, feeling as if he were speaking a different language.   “My birthday’s in November.”

“Not this year, it isn’t.”  Elyan grinned.  “Get dressed.  We’ve got all sorts of things do today.”

When Elyan had said ‘all sorts of things,’ Daegal had not expected one of those things to be a full breakfast served in the King and Queen’s personal chambers, catered by the King and Queen’s personal serving staff, and attended by the King and Queen themselves.

“I didn’t know,” Daegal whispered frantically to Merlin, as Elyan ushered him inside the room.  “Why wouldn’t you tell me?  I would have worn something else!”

“You don’t have anything else,” Merlin shot back under his breath.  “Relax.  Arthur put his undershirt on back to front this morning; he’s hardly Sir Stylish.”

Daegal gave Merlin a panicked, pleading stare, but Merlin just plunked Daegal down in a seat and left to pour the drinks.

“We’ve been meaning to do this for ages,” the Queen told him, sitting down next to Elyan.  “Merlin keeps you very busy, doesn’t he?”

Daegal’s mouth was too dry to formulate any sort of reply.  Only a few short months ago this very same woman had been standing at Morgana’s elbow, plotting Arthur’s assassination, and at the time, Daegal had not even realized there was anything wrong with her.  There was, after all, nothing hard to believe about a servant-turned-queen who’d gotten a taste for power and decided to keep climbing the ladder, and while Merlin had always been very adamant that Daegal would never have believed this of Gwen if he had ever met her previously, it was hard for Daegal to look at her and not remember how she had willingly embraced the woman who later tried to murder Merlin and threatened to do the same to Daegal, if he didn’t keep his mouth shut.

Merlin, busy setting out the ewery on a sidetable, heard Gwen’s comment and spared Daegal the necessity of replying.  “Arthur keeps me very busy,” he said, directing a pointed look at the king.  “If you’d like me to arrange your subjects’ social schedules on top of my other duties, Sire, perhaps you ought to hire someone else to look after your washing.”

Arthur waved a hand.  “Guinevere likes that funny thing you do with my socks.”

“Guinevere,” corrected the Queen , “thinks her husband is perfectly capable of rolling his own socks, thank you.”  She smiled encouragingly at Daegal.  “But enough about the laundry.  We’d been meaning to have you round for a meal, to say thank you, and Merlin mentioned that it was your birthday, so we thought now would be the perfect time.”

Daegal barely even heard the bit about his birthday, instead fixated on what had come just before it.  Thank him?  What for?  He had nearly gotten the king killed.  

“Merlin tells us you’ve been helping Gaius?” Arthur prompted.  

Daegal nodded. 

“He’s a fine physician.  If you’re pursuing a path in the healing arts, you couldn’t ask for a better teacher.”

“Is that something you’re interested in?” Guinevere asked, warm interest written across her face.

Daegal’s eyes darted helplessly to Merlin, who nodded encouragingly.  Daegal cleared his throat.  “Er - I think so.  Maybe.  Merlin says I’m picking it up quickly.”

“Well, you’ve already saved one life,” Arthur said with a grin, gesturing at himself, “so if that’s any indication of your capabilities, I expect you’ll do well.”  He offered Daegal a platter of pastries.  “Tell us about your studies.”

The meal continued on in much the same fashion, with Gwen and Arthur asking Daegal questions and Elyan occasionally putting in a comment or two of his own.  Daegal did his best to answer honestly, even as he was plied with heaps of food, most of which was comprised of dishes he had never had the chance to try before and all of which flavors he was certain he would never be able to remember later, given how worked up he was.  Arthur was gracious and charming throughout, very unlike the man who often featured in Merlin’s grumbling suppertime complaints.  Elyan talked to Merlin as much as he did to either of the royal guests, which was probably a breach of some kind of protocol, though nobody seemed to mind.  And the Queen - the Queen looked exactly the same as she had when Daegal had first met her, minus the cloak and surreptitious glances, and if he hadn’t known better, he would have thought nothing had changed.  

Except - 

There came one moment, towards the end of the meal, when Merlin put a goblet down in front of Gwen with a playful and very exaggerated “Your Majesty,” and Gwen jabbed his knee with a fork under the table where Arthur couldn’t see, all the while both of them keeping their eyes locked on each other as if daring the other one to laugh first, and it was then that Daegal knew with absolute certainty that this was not the same woman he had met that night in the woods.  

“I hope you’ll accept this token of the Crown’s appreciation,” Arthur said to Daegal later, when they had finally finished their meal and risen from their chairs.  “You’ve done this kingdom a tremendous service, and I’m indebted to you.”  He passed Daegal a very official-looking bit of folded parchment stamped with the royal seal, which Daegal knew it would not be appropriate to open now.  He took it and bowed the way Merlin had shown him.

“And there’s something from me, too,” said Guinevere.  “Only it would have been a bit difficult to get it up the steps - Elyan will take you to see it instead.  I think you’ll find it useful, given that you’re apprenticing to our physicians.”

Daegal could not possibly imagine what on earth could have been so unwieldy that she could not get it up the stairs, but he bowed to her as well.  “Thank you, Your Majesty.”

“Thank you,” she said, in a more solemn voice.  “For helping, when I couldn’t help myself.”

Daegal straightened, hesitant.  Her eyes - it seemed ludicrous to Daegal, now, that he had not recognized the enchanted version of her for what it was.  That hollow shell had had no soul.

“I’m sorry for what happened to you,” he blurted out.  “I wish I could’ve done more.”

“You’ve done more than enough,” Arthur said, wrapping a steady arm around his wife’s shoulders.  “For both of us.  We owe you a great deal.”

Daegal bowed to both of them again, and Elyan escorted him to the door.  “Oh, and Daegal?” Gwen added.  

Daegal stumbled over his own feet trying to turn around.  “Your Majesty?”

She smiled at him.  “Happy birthday.”

“What did Arthur give you, then?” Elyan asked, once they were out in the street.

Daegal fingered the mystery envelope.  He did not know, and honestly, his head was spinning too much for him to even think about puzzling out a jumble of words right now, especially when he was only just learning his letters to begin with.

“Can I have a look?” Elyan asked, and Daegal willingly handed him the parchment.  Elyan slipped a finger under the seal and unfolded the document, parsing it with a speed Daegal had pretty much despaired of ever achieving for himself.

“Mm,” Elyan said.  “Thought so.  Typical kingly stuff.”

“What is it?” 

“Land grant,” Elyan said, handing back the parchment, and then, as if this were nothing to worry about, he turned and ambled into the stables.

Daegal stared after him.  “What?”   

“Land grant,” Elyan repeated.  “You know, like a knight’s fee.  For services rendered to the Crown.”  He wandered deeper down the central aisle of the stable, stalled horses on either side of him lifting their heads.  “Come on.  It’s through here.”

Stunned, Daegal followed him, his fingers clutching at the incomprehensible slip of parchment.  “I can’t own land,” he protested.  “I don’t own a second pair of shoes.”

“You do now.  Or you can afford to, at least.”  Elyan glanced back at Daegal.  “Don’t worry, it’s a small plot.  Just a little square out in the Sprawl.”

Outside the city walls, then.  “I don’t - what am I supposed to do with it?”

“You could live there.”

“But - ”  Daegal stared at Elyan’s back uncomprehendingly.  “I live in the Citadel.”

“Rent it?”

Daegal’s head was going to explode.  “Will says landlords are leeches,” he said faintly.

Elyan laughed.  “Herb garden?” he suggested.  “Merlin’s always sending you off to gods know where, searching for things you could grow yourself.”

Daegal hardly knew what to say to that, but Elyan stopped walking before Daegal could think of anything coherent.  “Here we are,” Elyan announced, clapping a hand down on top of a stall door to his left.  

A wave of misgiving flooded Daegal, temporarily wiping away the lingering shock of the land grant.  “Are we riding somewhere?”  

He had not considered this, and he did not want to admit that the only way he was going to be able to ride anywhere at all was on the back of someone else’s saddle.  He had never had access to a horse himself, and had only had the opportunity to ride twice in the past - the first occasion had been extremely brief, and the second had ended in him being thrown, so he was not quite sure that it counted.

“Not today,” Elyan said.  “Unless you count the training ring.”

“Sorry?”

“Merlin says you don’t know how to ride.”

“Yeah,” Daegal said.  He could feel himself turning red.  “I mean - no, I don’t know how.  Not well.  I don’t need to.  I don’t have a horse.”

“Didn’t have a horse,” Elyan said, as if making a correction.

“What?”

Elyan gestured at the stall they were standing next to.  “Couldn’t get her up the stairs.”

Daegal’s mouth popped open.  The creature Elyan was pointing to was a dark bay with an irregular, splotchy white blaze down her muzzle, her smooth coat appearing nearly black in the dim light of the stables.  She was stout and smoothly muscled, watching them with a calm, composed energy, and even as Daegal stared, she stretched her neck over the stall door and sniffed at Elyan’s hands, perhaps searching for any remnants of his recent breakfast.

“My sister,” Elyan said proudly, scratching the horse’s cheek, “is aces at presents.”

“She’s not for me,” Daegal croaked disbelievingly.

“Of course she is,” Elyan assured him.  “She’s the same stock as Merlin’s.  Steady temperament, friendly, not likely to spook.  Not like Arthur’s beasts.”

A horse, Daegal thought numbly.  A horse. 

“I can’t take this,” he mumbled.  “It’s too much.”

“Of course it’s not too much.  You saved the king’s life.”

I almost killed him! Daegal wanted to shout, but Elyan would not understand.  

“And you’ll need transportation, anyhow,” Elyan continued.  “You can’t be jogging along behind Merlin on foot.  Apprentices in the royal household have mounts, or they can’t do their work.”

Daegal bit the inside of his cheek.  “I don’t even know how to ride her.”

The horse cocked her ears in Daegal’s direction and swung her blocky head around to inspect him, her dark brown eyes sedate and trusting.  “What do you think we’re here to practice?” Elyan asked cheerfully, retrieving a halter and lead rope from a hook on the wall.  “Go on, say hello to her.”

Daegal’s hand came up of its own accord, hovering in the air below his new mount’s nose.  She lipped at his fingers curiously.  “Hello,” Daegal breathed.

He didn’t deserve her.  He knew he didn’t.  

But he was falling in love with her anyway.

It was a very windswept and breathless Daegal who climbed off his horse later that day and ran to greet Merlin at the fence.  

Evening was coming on, and the temperature had sunk as quickly as the sun, but Daegal did not even notice the stiffness in his fingers or the tightness in his cheeks.  He was too carried away with the elation of riding, and the dizzying knowledge that he now had the means to go anywhere he wanted, anytime, without begging for rides in the back of strangers’ wagons.  Months ago he would have killed for this kind of ability to roam.  

It was strange, now that he finally had the freedom to run away whenever he pleased, that he no longer felt he had anything to run away from.

“Having fun?” Merlin asked, elbows resting on the fence.

Daegal did not think fun was the right word.  There was just no good way to explain that he felt like a menagerie bear whose shackles had slipped, or a noblewoman’s bird escaping out a cracked window.  “It’s brilliant,” he said, settling for a completely inadequate adjective.  “It’s the best thing I’ve ever done.”

“And he’s good at it!” Elyan put in, walking Daegal’s horse over to the gate.  “We’ve only been out here one day and he’s got her cantering already - I think this beast is talking to him.”

If Daegal’s cheeks had not been whipped rosy by the wind already, they were certainly turning pink now.  “No,” he said to Merlin, “not - talking to me.  Obviously not.  Just - I sort of feel like I understand her, is all.”

Merlin did not seem to think this was strange at all, and produced a chunk of some sort of winter root vegetable from his coat, offering it to the horse.  She snapped it up eagerly.  “Animals talk,” Merlin said, shrugging.  “It’s people as don’t know how to listen that get kicked in the nethers.”  

He untied the gate for Elyan, who led the horse through it and started up the path back to the stables proper.  “How was your day?” Merlin asked Daegal, as the three of them walked, Elyan leading the horse on one side, and Merlin and Daegal on the other.

Daegal had to think before answering.  It had been, by a wide margin, the strangest day he had ever experienced in Camelot, starting with Elyan’s surprise appearance that morning and punctuated by a number of other unexpected visitors.  Leon had arrived in the stables not long after Elyan and Daegal, bringing with him a collection of exquisitely embroidered tack (“Part of Her Majesty’s gift,” he’d explained), and then he’d spent the next hour walking Daegal through the various bits and pieces, guiding him through the process of putting them on his mount and taking them off again.  Percival had dropped by with his own mount and accompanied Daegal on a slow ride outside the ring, along the edge of the woods - Elyan had ridden in the saddle behind Daegal, just to be safe, but he had not had to take the reins from Daegal once, and they had gone on a nice plodding walk around the frostbitten perimeter of what would be fairgrounds, come summer.  Even Mordred had made a brief appearance, in his oddly intense way - apparently out for a ride of his own, watching Elyan and Daegal lungeing Daegal’s mount for a few minutes, before nodding to the both of them and continuing on his way, his own horse cresting the hill so smoothly that it appeared as if it were not touching the ground.

“It was strange,” Daegal decided.

Merlin walked along beside him, his boots crunching on the frostbitten grass.  “Why?”

“I don’t know.  All these people - ”  Daegal paused, brushing a hand against his horse’s flank.  “I don’t see why they’re taking an interest.”

“It’s your birthday,” Merlin replied.  “People are supposed to make a fuss.”

Daegal was not sure about that.  It had not ever been his experience in the past, at least.  “It’s not really my birthday, though.”

“Only because I didn’t know about it.”

They continued walking, Daegal worrying at his lip.  “I shouldn’t have said anything,” he said abruptly, after a minute.

“You’re not enjoying yourself?”

Daegal shook his head quickly.  “I am.”  Too much, he thought.  His exhilaration at being taught how to ride had driven it from his mind for a while, but now - 

Elyan waved to someone up ahead, interrupting Daegal’s thoughts.  There in the stableyard was Gwaine, lounging against the edge of the open doors, dressed not in his crimson surcoat but in plain clothes, and tossing a small pouch from hand to hand.  

“You’re early,” Merlin called to him.  “We’ve still got to groom and water this creature.”

“I thought I was supposed to be in charge of the watering,” Gwaine replied, which seemed like a very odd thing to say.  “Wasn’t that the plan?”

“I’m talking about the horse.”

Gwaine pushed himself off the wall, joining the little group as they entered the yard.  “Our guest of honor,” he said, indicating Daegal.  “This fellow’s been doing our job for us, Elyan.  Saving the king is knight’s work, isn’t it?”

Elyan led the horse past Gwaine with a smirk.  “How would you know?  You’ve never done a bit of it.”

Gwaine shook his head, glancing at Daegal in a comradely way.  “Why does everybody think I only took this job for the food?” 

Daegal, who had only rarely interacted with Gwaine before, did not know what to answer, but Merlin saved him the trouble.  “Because we know you,” he said, and then smiled when Gwaine gave him a crooked grin.

That was utter nonsense.  Even Daegal knew that Gwaine had nearly died during Morgana’s occupation, specifically while fighting to keep a number of his fellow prisoners from starving - but Merlin and Gwaine were a bit like Merlin and Will in that way, at least to Daegal’s limited experience, wherein Gwaine did not always want people to see him for what he truly was, and Merlin always chose to see him anyway, if only from behind a mutually agreed-upon smokescreen of affectionate teasing.

“Well, let’s hurry it up,” Gwaine said, tossing his little bag in the air.  “I’d like to get on with my bit.”

His bit?  

Gwaine paused in front of the empty stall while Elyan gathered what they would need for a post-ride grooming.  “I hear it’s your birthday,” Gwaine said to Daegal, and then before Daegal could explain that it wasn’t, exactly, Gwaine handed Daegal the little leather bag.  “There’s for you, then.”

Daegal, surprised, loosened the cinched string at the top of the pouch and tipped the contents into his other hand.  Out tumbled four dice, the smoothly-carved cubes clacking against one another as they fell into Daegal’s palm.  

Daegal looked up at Gwaine, confused.

“I thought you could use them,” Gwaine said.  

“For what?”

Gwaine grinned and exchanged a knowing look with Merlin.  “My bit.”

Daegal stared at at the dice in his hand, then snapped his gaze up to Merlin, suddenly seized by a burst of excitement.  “Are we - ”

Merlin held up a finger.  “On three conditions,” he declared, obviously trying not to smile.  

Daegal closed his fingers tightly around the dice, trying not to appear too eager.

“One: you’re going to untack and groom your mount.  The stablehands will do that for you, when you ride out with our party, but she’s your responsibility.  You have to know how to take care of her.”

Daegal had no objections to that.  He already loved this horse better than anything he’d ever owned.

“Two: weak drinks only.”

We’ll see, Gwaine mouthed behind Merlin.

“Three - ”  Merlin held up a third finger.  “You leave when I leave.  Will’s right about the after-curfew crowd.  That’s a sort of trouble you don’t need.”  He looked expectantly at Daegal.  “Agreed?”

“Agreed.”  Daegal nodded fervently.  “Is it - who’s coming?”  

“Everybody!” Elyan supplied happily, uncinching the horse’s girth.  “You saved our king.  We owe you a night out.”   

Merlin, who had perhaps understood Daegal’s question better, said, “Everybody who likes drinks and dicing and general uproar.” 

This statement prompted appreciative, anticipatory grins from Gwaine and Elyan, and Daegal refrained from asking any follow-up questions, having understood the answer perfectly well.  He had been working with Merlin long enough to know that if there were one thing Will avoided more assiduously than King Arthur, it was large groups of loud people losing their heads over absolutely nothing.

“Let’s get started, then,” Gwaine said.  “D’you think you can untack this beast and learn the rules to Hazard at the same time?”

Daegal stuffed the dice into his pocket and grasped the bridle’s noseband buckle.  “I can try.”

Gwaine grinned wolfishly.  “That’s just what I like to hear.”

They ended up staying a bit later than they’d intended. 

By the time Merlin finally had the sense to bring the evening to a close, Daegal had turned the single half-penny he had started with into several silver pieces (“Alchemy!” Gwaine had proclaimed triumphantly, knocking his cup into Daegal’s so that some of the drink had sloshed over), and Daegal had become very popular with some of the tavern regulars, who were beyond tickled to see a seventeen year-old boy flatten strangers’ smug expectations of victory.  Daegal had not won every time, of course, but he had gotten extremely lucky at several critical moments and had at the very end miraculously thrown his chance number twice, after the odds had already been declared heavily against him (and thus after the other players had upped their contribution to Daegal’s stake with the expectation that he would lose).

Merlin had pulled Daegal from the game after that, sitting him back down at the knights’ table, which was piled high with food and drink.  “First lesson,” he’d said, offering Daegal a very watered-down ale, “and one you won’t learn from Gwaine - quit while you’re ahead.” 

They had stayed for a long time after that, socializing and eating their fill, until Merlin had finally seemed to take notice of the time (or perhaps of the slightly seedy-looking characters who had started to wander in through the back entrance).  Merlin, at that point, had prompted Daegal to gather his winnings, say his goodbyes, and make his exit, pursued by a chorus of enthusiastic farewells from the knights, none of whom showed any sign of abandoning their seats anytime soon.

Stepping out into the night air was like diving into a frozen moat.  Daegal drew his cloak tighter around his torso as he and Merlin wound their way through the town.  The Rising Sun’s interior had been as stiflingly hot as its namesake, overflowing with a press of bodies and thrumming with a constant cacophony of conversation, and even from the outside its closed shutters leaked driblets of light and noise, as if the building were bursting at the seams.  The town, by contrast, was stone-silent and frigid, everybody shut up in their homes waiting for the weak light of morning. 

“You did well,” Merlin said, as they approached the citadel.  “You’re sure you’ve never played Hazard before?”

Daegal shook his head.  His mother would never have let him, before, and after - 

He pushed that thought away, watching his breath mist in front of his face.  He’d never had enough money to gamble with after that, that was all.

“You weren’t helping me, were you?” Daegal asked Merlin.

“No, you got lucky.”  Merlin chuckled.  “The look on that fellow’s face...”

Daegal smiled faintly, remembering.  Daegal had taken rather a lot of money from a beefy, belligerent fellow who had been bothering everybody all night, which had resulted in a vastly improved tavern experience for all when the man had stormed out in a rage, and which had also earned a round of free drinks for Daegal’s table.  “He wasn’t too pleased, was he?”

“No, he wasn’t.  Not quite the sort of evening he was expecting to have, I don’t think.”

They walked on, approaching the retracted drawbridge, and detoured to the parallel pedestrian crossing instead, passing through the smaller door to the bridge’s left and entering the courtyard, Merlin offering a hello to the familiar guards as they went.

“How does it feel to be older?” Merlin asked, as they crossed the darkened square.

Daegal shrugged.  “I don’t know.  The same, I suppose.”

But that wasn’t exactly true, Daegal thought, as they entered the base of the North Tower.  Last year, things had been very different.  A few months ago, he could never have dreamed of the sort of day he’d been having today.  And now - 

He hesitated at the bottom of the stair leading to the physician’s chambers.  Merlin, oblivious to the fact that Daegal was not right behind him, kept climbing.  

“Why are you doing all this?” Daegal asked.  His voice sounded strange in his own ears, or maybe that was just a function of the echo in the hollow space, his words bouncing off the stone shell on either side of him.

Merlin turned around, surprised to see Daegal still standing at the bottom of the stairs.  “All what?”

Daegal made an uncertain gesture.  “This.  All these things today...I don’t understand.”

“It’s your birthday,” Merlin said, as if that made any sense at all.

“It’s not, though,” Daegal said.  “Even if it were, I don’t see - I mean, it doesn’t matter.”  He shrugged uncomfortably.  “Who cares?”

Merlin stared levelly at Daegal.  “I do,” he said.

A long silence ensued.  Daegal could not possibly have formulated a reply to this even if he’d known what to say, but Merlin did not ask him to respond, instead descending a few steps and putting a hand on Daegal’s elbow, nudging him up the staircase.  “Come on,” he said quietly.  “It’s late.”

Daegal followed him without a word, stunned and silent, seven stories straight up.

“Isn’t it a bit past your bedtime, old man?” Merlin said, immediately upon opening the doors to the physician’s chambers.  

Daegal, trailing behind, thought this was a very unusual way for Merlin to address Gaius, but as he peered around Merlin’s shoulder, he realized it was not Gaius to whom Merlin was speaking, but Will, who was sitting by the little hearthfire at the left of the room with his feet propped up on a stool.  

“No,” Will replied, though he did look like he was ready to doze off.  “It might be a bit past Arthur’s, though.”

Merlin swore and stopped dead in the doorway.  “He sent somebody up?”

“Several somebodies.”

“What did you tell them?

Will waved an unconcerned hand.  “I don’t remember.”   

“Will - ”

“Isn’t he waiting for you to turn down his sheets or something?”

“Did you tell them I was at the tavern?”

Will smirked.  

Merlin, cursing under his breath, took Daegal by the upper arms and maneuvered him into the room.  “Drink some water.  Kip on the patient cot - you’re up early collecting pots with Gaius tomorrow; you might as well sleep here.”  He tore off his outerwear and dumped it on a table.  “You,” he said to Will, “on the other hand, can go home, you ass.”

Will tipped his chair back, cupping a hand to his ear.  “What’s that?  ‘Have my bed, William’?  All right, if you say so.”

Merlin flashed Will a rude gesture before tearing out of the room.  Daegal caught the door before it could slam and closed it carefully, so as not to disturb Gaius, who was sleeping behind the screens that had been drawn around his corner.

Will rose from his seat with a yawn, stretching.  “So you had your evening out at last.”

Daegal did not answer him, his mind still trapped back there in the stairwell with Merlin.  I do, he heard again, as he struggled to untie his cloak.  I do.  

“Was it everything you thought it would be?”

Daegal managed to undo the knot, his fingers clumsy with cold.  He pulled his cloak from his shoulders and folded it slowly, first in half, then in fours, and then laid it aside before doing the same with Merlin’s rumpled jacket, single-mindedly focused on his task.

“I hope you at least took something off Gwaine.  Fellow’s too cocky for his own good.”

Daegal, out of things to fold, stared at his hands.  Will came closer, scrutinizing Daegal in the low light.  “How much did you have to drink?” 

Daegal stuck his hands into his pockets, avoiding Will’s gaze.  Not much, was the true answer, but he couldn’t find the words.  

He fingered the coins in his pocket, the silver pieces cold and clinking against one another.  

“Oi,” Will said, frowning.  He tipped Daegal’s chin up to see his eyes.  “You all right in there?”

Morgana had given Daegal a sack of coins just like this, once.

Daegal yanked his hands out of his pockets as if he had been burned, jerking back from Will’s fingers.  

“This is wrong,” he blurted out.

Will blinked at him.  “Sorry?”

“I can’t do this.  It’s - I can’t.  It’s not right.”

“What isn’t?”

“Everything!  The birthday, the money, the tavern, the riding - ”  Daegal's voice was rising, but he could not rein himself in.  He had been trying to tell this to someone all day.  “The horse, the land, breakfast - ”

Will stared at him, confounded.  “Breakfast?”

Daegal struggled mightily not to holler in frustration.  Will, of all people, ought to have understood, but it appeared he was committed to being just as obtuse as everyone else.  “Yes!  I don’t deserve it; it isn’t right - ”

Will’s eyebrows shot up.  He did not give Daegal another chance to wake Gaius, but planted a hand on Daegal’s shoulder and spun him around, muttering, “Go,” in a low voice, pushing Daegal away from Gaius’s sleeping area in the direction of Merlin’s chambers.  Daegal allowed himself to be marched up the little staircase, Will following, until they were both in Merlin’s room, the small chamber chilly and cloaked with shadows, lit only by a single hanging candle.  

Closing the door, Will turned back to Daegal.  “Start over,” he commanded.

Daegal whipped out Arthur’s envelope.  “The King - he gave me a land grant.”

Will snatched the piece of parchment out of Daegal’s hand, scanning it briefly.  “So?” he said, discarding the envelope onto Merlin’s desk.  “He can afford it.”

“But it’s - ”

“Nothing he’ll miss.”

“But - ”

“But what?”

“The Queen - ”

“What about her?”

“She gave me a horse.”

Will shrugged.  “And?”

“It’s too much!  I can’t - ”

“Are you planning to thank her for it?”

“Yes.”

“You’re going to take care of it?”

“Of course!”

“Then what’s the trouble?  She wanted you to have it.”

“She gave it to me for the wrong reasons!” Daegal exclaimed frustratedly.  “She kept saying I helped her, but I didn’t do anything.  I didn’t even know she needed help.  I thought she wanted the throne for herself - ”

“You stopped her killing her husband,” Will said, interrupting.  “You saved his life.”

“I didn’t save him.  I almost killed him.  I’m the reason he needed help in the first place.  But all of them are acting like - ”  Daegal thought back to earlier that night, to Elyan, who had shown Daegal how to calculate Hazard odds in his head; to Leon, who had spoken to Daegal like one of the adults; to Percival, who had taught Daegal the less savory lyrics to the tavern’s favorite drinking songs; and to Gwaine, who had murmured advice in Daegal’s ear while Daegal cast his dice.  “They kept saying I’d done their job for them.  They - ”  

A horrible, hollow feeling bloomed in Daegal’s chest, strangling his voice.  He pulled the coins out of his pocket and dumped them onto Merlin’s desk, not wanting to carry that cold weight for another moment.  “They don’t know me.  They don’t know what I’m like.”

Will watched him closely, his eyes narrowing.  “What are you like?”  

Daegal shook his head and sank down onto Merlin’s bed, staring at the floor.  He didn’t want to say it.  He shouldn’t need to say it.  Will already knew the whole story; Daegal shouldn’t have needed to retread all the ugly details.  

Will folded his arms, leaning back against the top of Merlin’s desk.  The single candle did very little to illuminate his set expression, but the moonlight in the window behind him threaded his silhouette with silver.

“I shouldn’t have said anything about my birthday,” Daegal murmured, his voice thick.  “I should have just kept it quiet.  That’s what you do, isn’t it?”

Will frowned.  “Who said that?”

“Merlin.  When I didn’t mention my birthday - he said you were - well, he said we were two of a kind.”

Will shook his head.  “I don’t hide my birthday.”

“I think you must,” Daegal said stubbornly, returning to his intense inspection of the floorboards.  “Because I don’t even know when it is.”

“Neither do I.”

Daegal looked up, surprised.  “What?”

“I don’t know when my birthday is.”

“Why - ”

Will lifted a finger repressively, and Daegal realized he was not going to be getting that part of the story tonight, or maybe ever.  “It doesn’t matter,” Will said.  “I don’t care.  I don’t fancy it much, anyhow.  It’s nothing to me.  Merlin, though - ”  He gestured at the room around them, at the mussed bedclothes and the stacked manuscripts and the sketched diagrams pasted to the walls.  “He doesn’t like it when I say things like that.  It bothers him.  He’s got ideas about how these things are supposed to be done, and he thinks it’s wrong, not telling me happy birthday, even if I’d rather he just left it alone.”

Daegal had no trouble believing it, if Merlin’s reaction to Daegal’s skipped birthday were anything to go by.  “But then - ”  Daegal frowned.  “He mustn’t know when your birthday is, either.”

“My birthday,” Will said, in a long-suffering way, “is whenever Merlin decides he wants it to be.  He comes crawling into my cott at some godsforsaken hour of the morning on whatever personally convenient day he’s picked that year, and then he yanks me out of bed and feeds me too much food and drags me all over creation doing the sort of things he thinks I’ll like doing.  I’ve been telling him to drop it for more years than you’ve been alive, but he never listens.  It doesn’t matter how much I whinge about it.  He never forgets.  He can’t help himself.  He thinks it’s important, telling people he’s happy they were born, even if they don’t think being born was such a fantastic thing themselves.”  

Will gestured at Daegal.  “If you’re going to be one of his people now, you’re going to have to get used to that.  You don’t have to like it, but you’ve got to understand it.  That’s who he is.  That’s how he treats people.  He won’t give you a pass on birthday fuss just because you don’t think you’re worth fussing over.  He’s not built that way.”

Daegal heard Merlin’s words again, echoing against the frozen stones of the stairwell.  Who cares? Daegal had asked.  

I do.

He twisted his fingers together.  Out in the physician’s chamber proper, Gaius was snoring.  

“It’s not just Merlin, though,” Daegal said finally, in a soft voice.  “Everybody - all of them are doing too much.”

“Too much how?”

“They keep thanking me.  But the gifts are - I didn’t earn them.  I don’t deserve them.”

“Who told you that?”

“I don’t need anyone to tell me; I know.”  Daegal stared at Will, helpless to explain why Will’s inability to accept this simple truth made him feel so utterly lost at sea.  “I don’t understand this.  You’re the one who kept saying I did something wrong.”

“You did do something wrong,” Will replied, as if this entire line of discussion were so obvious that it did not need to be examined.  “But you did something right, too.”

“I - ”

Will held up a hand.  “Who was it nearly got themselves killed saving Pendragon’s gleaming hide?  Who was it betrayed Morgana?”

“Me, but - ”

“Who was it came back to save Merlin’s life?”

“From something I did to him in the first place.”

“From something Morgana did to him,” Will corrected.

“I helped,” Daegal retorted.  “You’re always saying - you said I need to take responsibility.”

“You do,” Will said.  “For all your choices.  Not just the shyte ones.”  He gestured at the door, back towards the rest of the castle.  “You saved two lives.  You nearly got yourself killed doing it.  That’s what they’re all thanking you for.  It’s not about what you did for yourself; it’s what you did for everyone else, when you didn’t have to.  You didn’t have to come back for Merlin.  You didn’t have to follow him to Camelot.  You could have just taken Morgana’s money and run.”

“I tried,” Daegal confessed, his mouth very dry.  “I tried.  I couldn’t do it.”

“Why not?” Will said, as if he already knew the answer.

“I just - couldn’t.”  Daegal remembered it with a nightmarish clarity, hesitating in the thickness of the undergrowth as the encroaching night muddled his vision, knowing that Merlin was suffocating at the bottom of a muddy ravine where no one would ever find his body.  “I felt like something was going to swallow me.  I would’ve rather died than felt like that all the time.”

“That’s because you know what’s right and what’s wrong,” Will said, as if he had been waiting for Daegal to say this all along.  “And you chose right.”

“I chose wrong first.”

Will shook his head.  “Lots of people choose wrong first.  Doesn’t mean that what you choose next doesn’t matter.”

Daegal played with the hem of his sleeve, wrapping a fraying thread around his finger.  Will pushed himself up from the desk and dragged Merlin’s chair over to a spot across from Daegal, then sat down.  “Listen here,” he said.  “I can’t say I’d be too pleased to get a load of gifts that I didn’t think I ought to have, either.  But you can’t give them back, and you can’t convince people that you don’t deserve them, either.”  He leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees.  “You’ve got to just smile, and say thank you, and do your best to be worthy of everyone’s gifts.”

Daegal absorbed this, nodding slowly.  “I’m trying.”

“I know you are,” Will said.  “And so does everyone else.”  Will met Daegal’s gaze unflinchingly, his outline illuminated at the edges by the moon at his back.  “Don’t you ever tell me that lot doesn’t know what you’re like.  They know it better than you do.”

Daegal swallowed, not trusting himself to speak.  

“Now then,” Will said, linking his hands behind the back of his chair and stretching out his arms.  “This is rubbish timing, but you’ve got to start practicing sometime, so let’s just get it over with.”  He withdrew a thin, utensil-sized package from his pocket, extending it to Daegal.  “Don’t have a crisis, now.”

“Oh - no - ” Daegal moaned.

“Oi,” Will warned.  “What’ve we just talked about?”

Daegal took the parcel.

“Smile and say thank you,” Will prompted, when Daegal did not say anything right away.

Daegal managed a wobbly smile, and an even wobblier thank you, which Will, to Daegal’s very great relief, chose not to comment upon.

Daegal untied the parcel.  The cloth casing fell away, revealing a short and sturdy pocketknife encased in a plain leather sheath.  Daegal picked it up and turned it over in his hands, knowing immediately that Will had carved the handle himself.  It fit into Daegal’s hand as if it had been moulded from a plaster cast, and it was the only part of the knife sporting any decoration, inscribed as it was with an angular script that Daegal could not read in this light.  Daegal removed the sheath and found that the blade had been sharpened to a dangerous edge, the point glinting in the moonlight.

“Elyan did that bit,” Will said.  “It ought to hold an edge better than what you have now.”

“No more mashing seed pods,” Daegal murmured.

“Exactly.”

Daegal ran a finger over the symbols carved into the handle.  He hadn’t learned all his letters yet, but he thought he ought to have been able to recognize a few of them, at least.  “What’s this writing?”

“Oh, that,” Will said, as if he had almost forgotten.  “It’s spelled.”

“Spelled?”

“Magicked.  Against slips.  To spare your fingers.”  Will waggled his own fingers in the air, and Daegal had to laugh a little.

“Merlin?”

Will’s face took on a thoughtful look.  “No, actually.”  He pointed at the unfamiliar runes, his tone becoming more serious.  “Mordred says that if you’re going to exploit his people for personal gain, then you’re going to learn something about the culture.”

Daegal froze.  A chill ran through him.  He had never even considered - 

He gripped the inscribed handle with sweaty fingers, mortified.  “He’s angry with me.”

“No,” Will said.  “I don’t think so, at least.  It’s hard to tell with that fellow.”

At Daegal’s dismayed look, Will added, “He offered to spell the thing himself, at least, so I can’t imagine he’s too upset with you.  But he has every right to be, you realize that?”

Daegal nodded quickly.     

“You’re going to go and see him,” Will said, his voice calm, but his tone brooking no argument.  “And you’re going to apologize, and you’re going to listen to whatever it is he wants to tell you.  You understand?”

“Yes,” Daegal said quickly.  “I’ll do it.”  He glanced at the door.

“Not now,” Will clarified.  “Tomorrow.  He might not be angry just yet, but he will be if you yank him out of bed a few hours before he’s supposed to be on patrol.”

Daegal’s shoulders sagged.  Will was right, but Daegal could not stand the thought of waiting.  Yet another guilt-monster was chewing a hole in his stomach, and he was starting to think those gnawing teeth would never let him sleep.  He recalled, suddenly, with a fresh wave of horror, the outrage on Merlin’s face when Daegal’s falsified triskele had smeared away, how tightly Merlin’s fingers had dug into Daegal’s wrist.  

Here was one more stupid thing Daegal had done.  One more person he’d injured.  One more wrongheaded decision.  

His eyes drifted longingly towards the door again.  

“No,” Will said, shaking his head.  “You made that bed, now you lie in it for one night.”  

Daegal sighed, and Will’s tone softened.  “You’ll make it right in the morning,” he said.

Daegal traced one of the Druidic runes with a finger.  He supposed that was the best he could do.

Will stood up and beckoned for Daegal to join him.  “Listen,” he said, pushing Merlin’s chair back under the desk.  “It’s late.  I don’t want you up all night brooding over this, all right?”

“All right,” Daegal said, but he had a feeling he was in for yet another night of lying awake under a blanket of guilt he had woven for himself.

“And - not that this needs to be said, but let’s not tell anyone you’ve got a magic pocketknife, all right?  Pendragon will think I’ve been messing about with enchantments behind his back, and he’ll have me booted out of this kingdom faster than you can say insufferable bastard.”

“But you don’t have - ”

“Yes, I do,” Will reminded Daegal, giving him a significant look.  “And that’s exactly what you’re going to tell people, if anybody starts asking questions.”  He opened Merlin’s door, ushering Daegal through it.  “But let’s not give folk a reason to ask, all right?  Otherwise the next person trying to kill the king might be me, because if Pendragon wants me out of this place he’s going to have to execute me and exile my corpse, no matter if I did sign a stupid promise ‘renouncing the practice of magic in all its forms,’ or whatever other rubbish that idiot asked me to agree to.”

Daegal followed Will across the main chamber, watching while Will pulled on his outerwear.  “I’m guessing he never gave you a land grant, then?”

Will burst into laughter, leaning heavily on the door handle.  He only remembered to clap a hand over his mouth when a slumbering Gaius snorted and rolled over.  “Oh, lor,” he wheezed, trying to recover himself.  “Don’t do that to me.”  

Daegal smiled sheepishly.  Will straightened up, his eyes creased with pure, undisciplined mirth.  “You won’t let all those fancy presents go to your head, now, will you?”

“I won’t,” Daegal promised.   “But - about Arthur’s gift, though.  I don’t actually know what to do with a plot of land.”

“Neither does Arthur,” Will said, rolling his eyes.  “But I do, and so does Merlin.  We’ll work it out together, all right?”

“All right,” Daegal said, as Will unlatched the door.  “Erm.  Will - ”

“Yeah.”

Smile and say thank you.  “Thank you,” Daegal said, trying on a smile for size, hoping it did not falter too much at the corners.  “For the knife, and - everything else.”

Will regarded him in that way of his that was very off-putting when you did not want to be read like a book but somehow oddly useful when you were trying to communicate something unspoken.  “You’re welcome,” Will said finally, surprising Daegal by reaching out and mussing his hair.  “See?  You’ve got the hang of things already.”

Will turned to go, but when he reached the top of the staircase he paused, glancing back.  “And, listen - ” he said, his voice low enough not to wake Gaius, but somehow warm enough to push back the December chill.  “Whether you like it or not - happy birthday, lad.”

Daegal sat tucked away in one of the window nooks, his cloak wrapped around him like a blanket and the glass casement leaching heat away from his side.  Merlin was long since abed, and Gaius’s muffled snores filled the main chamber, a soft drone of sound behind the screens.  Outside, the moon hung chubby and ovoid in the sky, like a pale seed on a black field of soil, like the bulbs Daegal would plant in his new garden, which was out there somewhere, nestled in the farming fields of the Sprawl.

He rubbed his thumb over the unfamiliar runes carved into the handle of his birthday blade.  His sixteen year-old self would have thrown that knife away, just to be safe.  There would have been no reason for him to believe that someone he’d injured would ever magick a gift for him just to be helpful, and sixteen year-old Daegal would have assumed that the spell “to spare his fingers” was in fact a curse to make sure they all fell off.  

But seventeen year-old Daegal was determined not to think like that anymore.  He was not going to think the worst of everyone who tried to help him, and he was not going to throw away gifts, whether he thought he deserved them or not.  He was going to smile, and say thank you, and do his best to be worthy of what he’d been given.

He leaned his forehead against the cold glass, looking down at the flickering lights on the city walls and the dark countryside beyond.  The Sprawl’s rolling jumble of cottages and fields melted into a shadowy sea of forest, and far away, the looming bulk of the White Mountains towered over the skyline, the peaks’ black silhouettes only distinguishable at this hour by an absence of stars.  

It was a very big world, Daegal thought, following the craggy outline of the range with his eyes.  And he had made plenty of bad decisions blundering around within its borders, that was certain.  But there was something beautiful about it still, even in the dead of winter.  

And it was not nearly as bleak as it had appeared to be, this time last year.  

Seventeen was going to be different, Daegal told himself.  Like Merlin always said.  It won’t always be like this.  Things will be better.  Daegal could make them better.  He had chosen wrong first, but he could choose right next.  He could choose right from now on.  He had made a mistake, but he could make it right in the morning.  

And tonight - tonight, it was still his birthday.

It isn’t, his sixteen year-old self snapped.  

“It is,” Daegal said.  “It’s my birthday.”

Who cares, the voice scoffed.

Daegal wrapped his fingers around his unearned mark of forgiveness, the grooves of the rune-etched handle imprinting themselves into his skin.  “I do,”  he said firmly, putting every ounce of conviction he had behind the words.  “I do.”

His younger self shut its mouth.

Daegal smiled slightly.  “Happy birthday to me,” he murmured, and was surprised to find that for the first time in a long time, he actually meant it.  

Curled up against the window, he tucked his knife against his side and fixed his eyes on the horizon, settling in to wait for the sun.

[stranger-who-writes-fiction]

Me, throughout the entirety of 6x05:

And I suppose I could just leave it there but NO, we’re doing a LIST. Of all the excellent things from “Prom Night!”

SPOILERS!

AV Club reviewer giving this episode the first ‘A’ of the season: :D

AV Club reviewer still insisting that “Midvale” was filler: D:<

Forever destined to disagree with the AV Club reviews in some way or another...

Okay, so! We begin with a very helpful reminder from Alex that things are different, in this Post-Crisis World!

(I mean, on the one hand, am I slightly distressed that key aspects of the Pilot and the WHOLE of “Midvale” are now gone, along with Earth-38? Yes. 

On the other, Kara remembers her lived-experiences of everything that had transpired in the Earth-38 timeline, so they still sorta happened and have informed her characterization. 

So...it’s fine. It’s fine. This is fine.)

I do love that, ‘Kara punched a meteorite out of the sky’ is now a Thing That Happened, though. 

(Well perhaps NOT ANYMORE but I’m getting ahead of myself.)

KENNY LIIIIIIIIIIIIIVES!!!!!

“Scooby-Duo” listen, as someone who has already imagined all these kiddos in Hanna-Barbera cartoon style, running around Midvale, solving crimes and saving the day, I loved this description.

Alex being like, ‘DO. NOT. SCREW UP. MY PAST.’ ahhhhh we love to see that scary Older Sibling energy on full display.

And then Brainy and Nia are off to the past!

The only thing that could’ve made the utterance of ‘totes’ worse would’ve been the addition of, ‘magotes’. Thank goodness they exercised restraint in the writers’ room.

FORTUNATELY the terrible ordeal of reliving dated slang is offset by some truly excellent lines and line-reads throughout the rest of the episode.

For instance! Loved Brainy’s, ‘the perfect optical illusion’ and ‘off the dash, please.’ So great.

Other honorable mentions: ‘Damn it, Mitch!’ ‘That’s a LOT of exposure’ and I forget the line itself but when Cat’s like, ‘normal town my a--’ and then the cut to commercial break AAAAAHHHHHH so good.

Okay, back to the episode, Nia and Brainy, on the Legion Cruiser, AND THEN!

AND THEN AND THEN AND THEN!

OUR KIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIDS!!!!!

I love them. It won’t happen, but gosh, I want a Midvale spin-off so bad. 

Like, the Crisis retcon made some space in the girls’ past for a spin-off to actually...kinda work. 

(But sustaining the premise across multiple episodes/seasons would be tricky and there would always be the threat of running up against like. The current show’s continuity.

But hey! They could just ignore it, I guess! That’s what the Superman show is doing!) *insert frowny emoji here* 

So the kids have gathered with Alex for milkshakes, which is delightful.

But ALL IS NOT WELL! As Alex reads about the ‘luckiest town’ and is like:

(Except with a lot more anxiety and frowning)

I feel as though we already knew Alex went to Stanford but I can’t remember if Kara’s (terrible) resume revealed that she went to National City University?

*Checks* Yes it did.

Another thing I LOVE is just. Alex as the Responsible One, whose anxiety is perpetually cranked to a 9.5, driving the Scooby-Duo around in the suburban mom van for super-ing jobs.

Also, ‘super-ing’ is an excellent verb, 15/10

Young Cat Grant! ....More on her later.

Nicole and Jesse did such a great job with the comedy in this episode--their initial attempt at a cover story/lie is so good. 

And the masterful transition into an actual good lie that Nia knew would win Kara over...VERY NICE.

Kara being so obviously thrilled that there are OTHER ALIENS! WITH POWERS! HERE, IN MIDVALE! RIGHT HERE!

Fandom has ruined the whole ‘Kara has golden retriever energy’ as is their way but I must say...very much getting ‘excited puppy energy’ here. 

Nia and Kara comparing powers was so CUUUUUUUUTE!!!!

As was the picture on Kenny’s desk of him and Kara. D’aaaawwww.

(But OH NO SADNESS...BECAUSE A BREAKUP IS IMMINENT.)

Okay in addition to all of the incredibly adorable content we also get lots of FAMILY FEEEEEEELINGS, which: Yes, good, yes.

But Eliza is only here as a PICTURE on Kara’s nightstand and a NAME on Alex’s badge, I am sad. :C

(Hope Helen Slater is in this last season at some point...need that soothing mom energy after all the Phantom Zone angst)

I think I’m out of order now but Kenny wanting to help Kara help people is just. The most adorable thing. 

Spoiler alert: I use the word ‘adorable’ a lot in this list. Sorry...but also not. 

The Brainy music when he’s in the school computer lab watching the printer is really great. I think we’ve heard it before, but it meshed so well with the whole vibe of both the character and the episode, just stood out nicely, I guess.

Okay, so. Do we think that Jesse could always do the baseball bat tricks, and the writers wrote it in, or do we think that he learned them for the show? My money is on the former.

Either way, very impressive.

And now for the truck situation! I kinda thought it would turn out that it was Cat’s doing, as she was trying to suss out the ‘super’, but nope, it was the blue dudes.

(Which makes more sense, since they have no qualms about endangering other people.)

And ON THAT NOTE, the blue guys! They are the perfect level of ridiculous, and they are wonderfully straightforward in ways that the Phantoms are not.

Also, I love that one of them is named Mitch?

Nia and Kara save the day!

After Kara busts the brakes and is like, ‘uhhh....they’re not working’

I noticed the Metropolis license plate and while yes it’s a little strange that plates are...apparently city-based in this corner of Earth Prime, stranger still is that Cat presumably drove clear across the country to check out this story. Right? Like, that’s the only way she has that plate out in Midvale?

Wait, wait. Totally forgot to mention Kara and Nia’s EXTREMELY OBVIOUS ‘don’t be suspicious’ sunglasses gambit at the Midvale College campus you absolute DORKS.

Right, so.

Remember those FAMILY FEELZ??? WELL!

We’ve got Nia’s call to her mom, which, oof. OOOOOF. 

And then we have even MORE FEELINGS aka: The garage talk.

Okay. OKAY. So even though I’m a little sad “Midvale” no longer occurred in Earth Prime’s timeline, I am fascinated by the ways this new series of events have impacted Alex, Kara, and their past. (Also thrilled that Kenny lives, natch). Alex’s resentment and the burden of ‘protect Kara, PROTECT KARA’ have been left to simmer while Kara’s determination to help people has led to some...earnest but slightly careless secret hero work. The building blocks of the conflict introduced in “Midvale” are still there so while it might at first seem a little...repetitive, for Alex to lay all this out to Kara, it’s really just the reveal of a new boiling point; a post-crisis update on the scene in Midvale where Alex is like, ‘I had two parents before you showed up.’

AAAAAAAAAHHHHH IT’S EMOTIONALLY DEVESTATING I LOVE IT. 

And then like. The new, but also not-new angle, of Alex leveraging her world-weariness against Kara’s youthful optimism/somewhat reckless desire to help, and then Kara throwing BACK that she’s explored other solar systems. 

The LAYERS.

Also that Alex is like, ‘we need weapons, let’s tell mom and also call the DEO,’ classic Alex.

The garage talk ends with Kara determined to come clean to Kenny...BUT OH NO, THE HERO HIDEOUT IS SO CUTE, AND KENNY IS SO DEAR. 

And the reveal that the almost-kiss in “Midvale” actually happened d’awwwww these kids. 

Like. I am legitimately torn, here. I totally understand and support Kara in being honest with Kenny about the whole college situation--but also GAH. KENNY IS SO NICE AND CUTE AND EARNEST. 

You know what ELSE is nice and cute and earnest?

Nia singing “9 to 5″ to Brainy to cope with stress and boost morale.

Heckin’ adorable, gosh.

Aaaaaand some other stuff occurred as the episode closed out but I don’t have them in my notes and BASICALLY I want the next hour like, now. Right now. Because this was WONDERFUL. FROM START TO FINISH.

So some Overall thoughts!

I said we’d get to Cat ‘CJ’ Grant later, so here we are: I...think I liked her? Overall? It was a performance that gradually won me over, is how I would describe it.

Absolutely wild that Cat built a media empire in a mere six years. 

Also her whole, ‘I am going to find this extraordinary being and name them and kick Lois Lane into the classifieds’...I mean she eventually gets two out of three, there.

As I already started to mention, sad that Eliza wasn’t here! But it makes sense, since a lot of this, Kara is trying to keep on the DL.

Obviously, I am ALWAYS down for these flashback situations with the young Danvers. But it was also nice to take a break from the Phantom stuff. The plot here is simple/streamlined in a way the Phantom stuff...isn’t. I love the emotional character stuff coming out of the Phantom Zone arc but wow, the Phantoms are just. Needlessly complicated. 

The little episode recap where Lena is explaining that Phantom Prime is like a bloodhound was like, ‘oh right, they do that too...in addition to all the other stuff that they apparently do.’

So, yes. Welcome change.

The change of scenery + type of action was nice too!

Though RIP to everyone’s hair, fighting against the moisture.

This episode also handled the Brainy/Nia relationship really well, IMO. Like, due to the whole, ‘trying to fit so much in, always’ approach to Supergirl episodes sometimes results in a bit of...one-sidedness, for various characters. Think for instance of Kelly needing to cheer everyone on in episode 2, but not having space for her own feelings/emotional needs in that episode.

I’ve felt that a bit with Brainy and Nia thus far--one will sort of take up more narrative space, so the relationship feels a little lopsided.

NOT SO HERE! They are both going through some stuff, they are both struggling to cope, they both come to rely on one another for help. 

YES. GOOD. YES!!!!

Something I’m loving about season 6 overall is that so far, it doesn’t feel like the plot is stepping on character development too much. Like, it still isn’t a perfect balance, and some episodes manage it better than others, but compared to season 5? Leaps and bounds.

Everything was so nicely tied together and the dialogue was witty, the humor was delightful, EVERYONE WAS ADORABLE AND EARNEST AND DID I MENTION ADORABLE?* but they never lost sight of the themes and emotional through-lines and GAAAAAHHHHHH MIDVALE EPISODES ARE THE BEEEEEESTTTTTTTTT!

*Okay Alex was mainly stressed out but that’s to be expected.

TL;DR - Best episode of the season thus far? Best episode of the season thus far. 

[coolgreatwebsite]

Cool Games I Finished In 2020 (In No Real Order)

Oh, hey! Right! I have a website! I’m like a week late on writing this, but what’s a week on top of an entire year of not writing, right? 2020 was... well, we all know what 2020 was. For me personally, it was simultaneously the best and worst year of my life. The worst in both ways you can probably assume and ways you definitely can’t (neither of which I’ll be getting into), and the best in ways I absolutely never would have guessed. That uncertain job I mentioned last year got very suddenly much more certain, at a much bigger company, for a much larger amount of money. That allowed me to get my own place, making my weird living situation much less weird. Still haven’t gotten the majority of my belongings off of the east coast, but if the entire world wasn’t currently fucked up by a global pandemic I’d have sorted all that out too. What I’m saying is that, for the third year in a row, my life has been a complete whirlwind that has left me very little time to get comfortable with any aspect of it. But I did manage to play more video games than I did last year! Which is perfect, because it’s once again time for another one of these. Here’s a bunch of cool games I experienced for the first time in 2020.

Astro’s Playroom (PlayStation 5, 2020)

My one word description of Astro's Playroom is "delightful". It's just an absolute goddamn delight. A total surprise too! Included with every PlayStation 5, Astro's Playroom is, in my opinion, one of the best pack-in games of all time.

First off, it's an incredible tech demo for the PS5's new DualSense controller. It was easy to brush off Sony's talk about the controller's haptic feedback and triggers as some Nintendo-style HD Rumble bullshit, but it really is incredibly cool once you get your hands on it. The game is obviously more than a tech demo though, or else it wouldn't be on here. It also just so happens to be an extremely solid and fun platformer on top of that. Astro controls exceptionally well and the levels are all well-designed and fun, even the gimmick vehicle ones designed to show off different features of the controller. It also has an oddly compelling speedrun mode, made all the more compelling by the PS5 notifying you when your friends beat your times and the ability to load into it within two seconds from anywhere on the console. But the biggest thing for me and, call me a mark, because I am, is that the game is an honestly incredible love letter to PlayStation history.

For the first time ever, Sony has pulled off a nostalgia piece without it ending up as embarrassing garbage in the vein of PlayStation All-Stars Battle Royale. There's a Nintendo-like joyful reverence for all things PlayStation oozing out of every single corner of this game. There are so many nods and references and gags for literally every PlayStation thing of note throughout the the last 25 years, and then on top of that there's a whole heap more for the things that AREN'T of note that only hyperdorks like me would get! A sly reference to the ill-fated boomerang controller? Yep. A goof on the fat PS3's Spider-Man font? You betcha. A trophy you can earn by repeatedly punching a Sony Interactive Entertainment sign until it breaks and reveals the Sony Computer Entertainment sign it was slapped on top of? Yeah buddy. It's deep cuts all the way down, even up until the final boss which had me grinning like a total dipshit the entire time. The game is endlessly, effortlessly charming.

Animal Crossing: New Horizons (Nintendo Switch, 2020)

Animal Crossing: New Horizons was the perfect game at the perfect time. That doesn't mean it's a perfect game, I actually have some issues with it, but it could not have released at a better time than when it did. It came out at the very very beginning of everyone going into lockdown due to the pandemic, and it was the biggest game in the world for a couple of months as a result. I played like 300 hours and that pales in comparison to the amount of time many others put into it.

Animal Crossing: New Horizons is the most different Animal Crossing game there's ever been, and I'm of two minds on it. Like, I loved the game, I played a ton of it, but it's lacking so much of the stuff that made me love Animal Crossing in the first place. The series has been slowly trending in this direction for a bit now, but it's not really a game that happens around you anymore. It's all about total player control. You select where everything goes, you customize every detail of everything to your liking, hell, you can even terraform the landmass to be exactly what you want. Your neighbors take a backseat in focus and end up as little more than decorations with limited dialogue and next to no quests associated with them. Series staples like Gyroids are missing in action. Facilities and services that have been around since Wild World aren't implemented. It's similar to past Animal Crossing games in a lot of ways, but on the whole it feels like a different thing.

But like I said, two minds. New Horizons strays from what I truly want from an Animal Crossing game, but I can't deny that the game as it is is a hell of a lot of fun. There's SO much you can do and SO many options, it's super addictive. Plus it implemented my long-requested feature of letting you effortlessly send mail to friends online! Too bad the actual online play is as cumbersome as ever.

In conclusion, Animal Crossing: New Horizons is a land of contrasts. I'm kidding. It's good, but definitely missing something in a way where I can understand some people being disappointed in it. I had a ton of fun though, and I'm probably going to get back into it later in 2021.

Trials of Mana (Nintendo Switch, 2019)

Late in 2019, with the physical release of Collection of Mana for the Switch, I decided I was going to play through each game on it for the first time and finally find out what this whole Mana thing was about. I went into Final Fantasy Adventure (the first game in the Mana series, because every RPG had to be Final Fantasy back then) with zero expectations and found a totally serviceable little Zelda-like with light RPG elements. I enjoyed my time with it. I went into Secret of Mana with the expectation of it being a beloved classic and found the worst game I beat that year, hands down. That game fucking sucks. I get why it made an impression on people at the time, but it's just so so SO awful to play. Needless to say I was pretty disappointed. Honestly, I would have been disappointed even if I hadn't heard it was one of "the best games" for so long. It would have been a disappointing follow-up to Final Fantasy Adventure, a game that in and of itself isn't anything incredible. Secret of Mana is just that rotten.

I braced myself for more disappointment when (after a much needed vacation from the series) I started up Trials of Mana. This game had a reputation too, as a long-lost classic that never made it stateside. One of the best games on the Super Nintendo, criminally never released for western audiences! Like Secret of Mana before it, I'd heard nothing but effusive praise. Unlike Secret of Mana, however, I was very pleased to find out that Trials of Mana mostly lives up to the hype. From a gameplay standpoint, Trials is an improvement on Secret in almost every single way. It's not perfect. The menus are still kinda clunky, animations for things like magic and items are still frequently disruptive. But the main thing is it actually plays like a sensible video game designed by humans with brains. Attacking is responsive! Hitboxes aren't complete nonsense! You don't constantly get stunlocked to death! There are more answers to combat than casting the same spell for five straight minutes to kill your enemies before they get a chance to move! It's great!

On top of being an enjoyable video game to actually play, the presentation is top notch. Secret of Mana could be a pretty game with decent music in some spots, but Trials is consistently gorgeous and the soundtrack is across the board great instead of randomly having songs that sound like clown vomit. And while Trials of Mana doesn't have the deepest story in the world, it manages to avoid being completely paper-thin like Secret. The story actually kind of has a reason for being a bit straightforward, and the reason is that it has a really cool system where you pick your three playable characters from a pool of six. Each character has their own goals and storyline, some of which line up with other potential party members, some of which don't, and you'll even run into the characters you didn't choose as NPCs along the way. This and the relatively brisk pace of the game make it highly replayable.

I'm really glad that Trials of Mana made it over here in an official capacity, even if it was like 25 years late. It's as good as I expected Secret of Mana to be and singlehandedly saved my interest in seeing any more of the series. I'm aware the quality of what came after is very spotty, but I'll get to the rest eventually!

Final Fantasy VII Remake (PlayStation 4, 2020)

They (almost) did it. They (basically) pulled it off. They remade (a chunk of) Final Fantasy VII and (for the most part) didn't fuck it up. Ok, funny parentheticals aside, Final Fantasy VII Remake is astoundingly good coming off of over two decades of just absolutely dreadful post-FF7 sequels, side games, and movies.

Final Fantasy VII has been historically misremembered as this kind of miserable, angsty, brooding thing, both by fans and by the company that made it. FF7-branded media after FF7 itself is a minefield of changed personalities, embarrassing original characters, and monumentally lame stories. Final Fantasy VII Remake is the first post-FF7 anything that actually remembers the characters, setting, and plot of Final Fantasy VII and what made them memorable and special to people in the first place. Which isn't to say it's a slavish recreation! There's a ton of changes and additions, and I actually like almost all of them! Except for some really big stuff I'll touch on in a bit!

The combat in Final Fantasy VII Remake is great. I was super skeptical about it when the game was first announced, but they actually managed to make the blend of real-time action and turn-based RPG menuing fun and engaging. The characters all play super differently from each other too, which is a huge and welcome difference from the original game. The Materia system fits like a glove in this revamped combat system as well. The remixed music is good as hell, and the visuals are beautiful (outside of a couple of very specific spots that I'm kinda of surprised they haven't fixed in a patch yet). It's a well-executed package all around.

But alas, as always, there are negatives. For starters, this is only part one of the overall Final Fantasy VII Remake project. It goes up to the party leaving Midgar which, as you may or may not recall, is the first six hours of the original game. They compensated for this by fleshing the hell out of the Midgar section the game, ballooning the overall playtime to total of about 30-ish hours. The game feeling padded is a common complaint but for what it's worth, I didn't really feel it until the unnecessarily long final dungeon, There's also the previously mentioned and funny parenthetical'd changes and additions I don't like.

This is big time spoilers for this game so if you don't want that jump ahead to the next game on the list. The Whispers suck ass. Final Fantasy VII Remake should have been brave enough to be different without having to constantly derail everything in the most ham-fisted and intrusive way possible. You can have Jessie twist her ankle without making a spooky plot ghost trip her. I don't want to fight the physical manifestation of the game everyone thought they were getting as an end boss. If you're not doing a straight remake, that's fine, but have the fucking guts to stand by your artistic decisions without feeling the need to invent the lamest deus ex machina I've ever fucking seen. The last couple of hours of this game are 100% about the Whispers and are awful for it. It's a true testament to the strength of the rest of Final Fantasy VII Remake that this aspect didn't completely sour me on it. I can only hope that they stay dead and gone for good in the games yet to come and the remake can be different while standing on its own two feet.

I truly cannot wait for the next entry in the Final Fantasy VII Remake project. I'm excited for Final Fantasy VII in a way I haven't been since the late 90s. I have a bit of trepidation that they could royally screw it up. I mean, they already got kinda close, as I said in my last paragraph. But they got so much right in this entry that, for the first time in decades, I'm willing to believe in Square Enix when it comes to Final Fantasy VII.

13 Sentinels: Aegis Rim (PlayStation 4, 2020)

My one word description of 13 Sentinels is "fucking crazy". I realize that's two words, but shut up. A bizarre hybrid of visual novel, adventure game, and strategy RPG, 13 Sentinels not only makes that work, but makes it work incredibly well. 

The story is fucking bonkers. It's told entirely non-linearly and is purposefully dense and confusing, but it does an amazing job of hooking you with a cast of likable characters and some impressively well-paced twists, made all the more impressive by the fact that you can tackle the story in basically whatever order you want. I'll say it again for those in the back, the story is Fucking Bonkers. Wherever you think it's going, it's not going. Where it is going is PLACES. Seriously, if you want a wild goddamn ride, this is the game for you. The presentation is also stunning. It's a drop dead gorgeous game with a really nice soundtrack. Easily Vanillaware's best looking game, which is saying something seeing as looking good is Vanillaware's whole deal.

If I had to levy one criticism against the game, it's that the strategy RPG portion is just kind of ok. It's enjoyable enough, it doesn't get in the way and there's not too much of it, but once it starts introducing armored versions of previous enemy types it's kind of done doing anything different. It is really good at getting people to out themselves as having no idea what tower defense is as a genre though!

Hyrule Warriors: Definitive Edition (Nintendo Switch, 2018)

I haven't really historically been a "Musou Guy". Not to say I've actively disliked them, they're just not something I've seeked out very often or played very much of. Hyrule Warriors: Definitive Edition kinda turned me into a "Musou Guy" a little bit? It's good, surprisingly-less-mindless-than-you'd-think fun.

I actually super don't care about the Zelda branding. I think all the fanservice stuff is meh at best. What I do care about is that there's a ton of character variety and a metric shitload of content. There's so many different characters and weapons for those characters that all play differently from one another and SOOOOOO many levels to play. Like the story mode is, again, kinda meh, the real meat of the game is the Adventure mode and there's a ton of it. It's 8 different world maps, each based off a different Zelda game, with each square of the map containing a little mini-scenario with unique objectives and rewards. There has to be at least 1000 scenarios between all the maps. There's so much. And that's not even getting into some of the other side stuff like the challenge modes and the fairy raising. It's a crazy amount of game in this game.

And again, it's not as mindless as it'd seem. It's not really a game ABOUT destroying 5000 guys, it's an area control and resource management game where the 5000 guys are one of those resources. Knowing who to send where and when to fight who is way more important than pressing the XXX YYY XXX YYY on the more than one million troops.

I'd say that if you're even cursorily potentially maybe interested in a musou game, this is the one to try. And if you like it, it could literally be your forever game. A sequel came out recently too, and I'm looking forward to trying that out soon.

Phantasy Star Online 2 (Xbox One, 2020)

Phantasy Star Online 2 finally came stateside in the year 2020, eight years after its initial Japanese release and initial American cancellation. It's no Phantasy Star Online 1, but it is a really fun game in its own right provided you can find the willpower to break through its clunkiness and eight years of confusing poorly tutorialized free-to-play MMO cruft.

The main thing going for PSO2, and this is a major improvement from PSO1, is that the act of engaging in its combat is fun. The combat is just feels really really good. There's a bunch of different weapon types and classes, and once you find the ones that really click with you you're in for a good time, whether you're izuna dropping dudes with wire claws or literally doing air juggles and rainstorm from Devil May Cry with the dual machine guns.

The other stuff around that combat is weird. I generally like it, but it's weird. The story mode is one of the most bizarrely presented things I've ever seen. It apparently used to be something you'd seek out in the levels themselves, but presently it's just a list of scenes you pick from a menu and watch with next to no context until it makes you fight a boss sometimes. There's some weird moments in there that MIGHT have been cool if it were presented in literally any other way?

The systems and presentation are also way more... I dunno, pinball? Pachislot? In very stark contrast to how chill original Phantasy Star Online was, everything in PSO2 is designed in a way to maximize that flashy light bing bing wahoo you got ~*~RARE DROP CHANCE UP~*~  feeling. Which isn't to say I don't like flashy light bing bing wahoo, but it's a weird different thing.

Was it worth the wait? Yeah, sure! For me! This is another one that I played like 300 hours of! I haven't even seen half of it, I fell off right before Episode 4 released because it coincided with my move! I'm gonna go back and see all that shit! PSO2's fun! A different flavor of fun than the original, sure, but fun all the same. Another one that I'm glad finally made it over here.

Riichi Mahjong (A Table, 1924)

Holy shit I fucking did it I finally learned how to play Mahjong and it rules.

It started when I picked up Clubhouse Games for the Switch. I saw that it had Riichi Mahjong and something in my brain snapped. For whatever reason, I decided that this was the time I was going to rip the band-aid off and figure this shit out. It wasn't too dissimilar to the first time I decided to try eggs, but that's a different and much stupider story for a different time. I did the tutorial in Clubhouse Games, looked up some more basics and advice because the tutorial wasn't super amazing, and I kept playing while being aided by the game's nice helper features like the button that pulls up recommended hands. I kept playing and... sorta got it. I learned the basic rules, but none of the strategy. And then I stopped playing for a few months.

In that few months, for whatever reason, a decent amount of people I know had their brains snap the same way? Like a more-than-two amount of people I'm either friends with or following online also decided to learn Mahjong. I decided to get back on the horse and downloaded Mahjong Soul and I don't know whether it was perseverance or the power of anime babes, but this time I got it. I still refer to a sheet with all the hands and whether they work open or closed, and I'm by no means a master player, but I actually honest to god understand what I'm doing and it's an incredible feeling.

Mahjong has such a huge amount of what I like to call "Get That Ass" energy. It is the energy you feel when you get someone's ass. In Mahjong you are either constantly getting someone's ass or getting your ass gotten. Someone puts down the wrong tile and you fucking GET THEIR ASS DUDE! They're got!! They're a fucking idiot that put down the wrong thing and now you have their points!!! Or you draw what you need yourself and you're a brain genius all according to plan and everyone gives you points because you're so wise!!!! It's great!!!!!

Mahjong has long been one of those games where I'd say "I'll learn this someday" and never reeeeally actually try to learn, and I'm so glad I finally took the effort to because it's good as hell. And, truth be told, it wasn't THAT hard to learn? Like you can get to the point where I was where I didn't know the strategy fairly easily in my opinion, and once you do that It's just a matter of continuing to play to understand the rest. I highly recommended that you also go out and learn it if you similarly revel in getting that ass, it's so satisfying once you do.

Yakuza: Like a Dragon (PlayStation 4, 2020)

Ryu Ga Gotoku Studio took a big gamble with Yakuza: Like a Dragon. After seven games (more if you take spinoffs and remakes into consideration) they decided to focus on a new main character and, even more unexpectedly, they decided to change things up by turning the series into a turn-based JRPG. Their gamble paid off in spades. This is easily in my top 3 favorite Yakuza games.

The JRPG gameplay is surprisingly solid. There's definite room for improvement, but they nailed a bunch of it right out of the gate. Some mechanics are a little janky and I wish the job system was more fleshed out or just worked more like Final Fantasy V's, but they nailed one of the most important things and made the battles brisk and fun. It's a great foundation, especially for a team that's never attempted anything like this, and it's way more fun than the combat's been in any of the previous Dragon Engine games. I can't wait to see them iterate on it.

Everything else is top fuckin' notch. The music is great, the side content is fully fleshed out in a way it hasn't been since before they switched to the Dragon Engine, and I love the characters and story so much. Yakuza has a new main character in Ichiban Kasuga, and he's my son and I love him. Kiryu was great, and I love him too, but he was a bit of a passive protagonist. Stuff happened around him and he mostly just stoically reacted to it. Ichi is a much more active lead and it's great. He's a big lovable dope, and his tendency to keep an upbeat attitude and eagerness to leap into action is such a breath of fresh air. And it's not only Ichiban, since this is an RPG you have a whole party of characters and they're all great! Having them with you at all times bantering with each other and reacting to things is another great change of narrative pace, too. 

Yakuza: Like a Dragon just straight up rules. As someone who has historically not been too much of a fan of the Dragon Engine games, it's simultaneously a refreshing new take on the series and a fantastic return to form. I can't wait for what comes next. Wherever Ichiban goes, I go.

Moon: Remix RPG Adventure (Nintendo Switch, 2020)

After 23 years of Japanese PS1 exclusivity, Moon: Remix RPG Adventure finally got an English release this year for Nintendo Switch. I'm glad it did, because Moon isn't just the very definition of A Sebmal Game. It's the Sebmal Game missing link. In addition to being just a great video game, it helped me make a mental throughline for a bunch of games I love and a large part of my taste in video games.

To keep a long story short (seriously, I have a much much longer version of this saved in my drafts that I'll maybe finish someday), Moon turned out to be not the JRPG I assumed it was, given the title and basic story pitch, but a secret prequel to a game I love named Chulip. Moon's developer, Love-de-Lic, was formed by a handful of ex-Squaresoft employees, many of which worked on an extremely formative game I love named Super Mario RPG: Legend of the Seven Stars. Love-de-Lic broke up in the year 2000 and its staff went on to form a bunch of different studios that ended up making a BUNCH of different games I love like Chibi-Robo, Freshly-Picked Tingle's Rosy Rupeeland, Dandy Dungeon, and the aforementioned Chulip. These games, when you make the connection and line them up, all have a very distinct weirdness in common that makes perfect sense once you've realized many of the same people worked on them. Figuring this all out felt like snapping a piece of my brain back in place, and it was really crazy to come to understand exactly how much this studio that formed and disbanded decades before I'd even heard of them had impacted my tastes and, hell, my life.

So what is Moon, for those who don't innately understand what I mean by "a secret prequel to Chulip"? Moon is an adventure game where you explore a world with a day/night cycle, learn about that world's inhabitants, and eventually solve their problems. Think of it kind of like The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask, but if the sidequests were the entirety of the focus with no Groundhog Day time reset mechanic and none of the Zelda stuff like combat and dungeons. You play as a young boy who, after a late night JRPG binge session, is sucked into the world of the game he was just playing. Everything is off from the way it was portrayed while the boy was playing the game, though. The hero he had previously controlled is actually a silent menace, raiding peoples' houses for treasure and slaughtering every innocent animal that crosses his path in an endless quest for EXP. The townspeople seem more concerned with problems in their day-to-day lives than the supposed world threatening crisis outlined in the game's intro. It's up to you as the boy to investigate this world's mysteries, help the townsfolk, mend the damage the hero has done, and eventually restore love to a loveless world.

Speaking of love, I fucking loved Moon. I loved the story, I loved the characters, I loved the music, I loved the way it looks (even though the Switch port is a little crusty in that basic emulator-y kinda way), I loved how constantly bizarre and surprising and funny it was. Like I said earlier, it's the very definition of a game made for me. It was essentially the progenitor of a long line of games made for me, and of games potentially made for me but I don't know yet because I haven't played them due to not understanding Japanese (UFO: A Day in the Life translation next please? Anyone from Onion Games reading this??). For as similar as Moon and Chulip are in their systems and pacing, I think I might actually like Moon better despite it coming earlier? It's not as full force maximum impact absurd as Chulip is, but it is a lot more playable and less obtuse once you get a grip on the time limit mechanic. You don't need a full strategy guide included in the instruction manual for Moon, and you don't need to exchange business cards with every single character to get information vital to finishing the game either.

I truly cannot recommend Moon enough if your taste in games ventures anywhere off the beaten path. Maybe this is a little conceited of me, but I assume if you're reading this article, let alone this far down into it, you relate to my video game opinions at least a little bit? You should play Moon. Everyone reading this sentence should play Moon. Moon: Remix RPG Adventure is my game of the year for the year 2020.

These games were also cool, I just had less to say about them:

Death Stranding (PlayStation 4, 2019): Death Stranding, much like Metal Gear Solid V, was a game I enjoyed for the gameplay and not much else. The story, characters, and writing were a huge disappointment for me, but man if I didn't enjoy lugging those boxes around and setting up my hellish cross-continental goon summer camp lookin' zipline network. Mr. Driller Drill Land (Nintendo Switch, 2020): I am a known Mr. Driller Enjoyer, and I enjoyed this Mr. Driller. Originally released for the Gamecube, Mr. Driller Drill Land is another long-time Japanese exclusive that finally came stateside this year and it's packed with new and novel twists on the Mr. Driller format. It looks super sharp, the music's great (also the credits music is the most impossibly out of place and extra as hell shit in the world and it's hilarious), and it's just a good ass time. The main campaign is pretty damn short, but if you're a post-game content kinda guy it has that and it's all super hard. Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 1+2 (PlayStation 4, 2020): They finally made another good new Tony Hawk game, and all it took was perfectly remaking two of the best old Tony Hawk games! Plays exactly like you remember it with the added benefit of the best mechanics from up to THUG1, looks great, packed full of content, even has most of the music alongside some mostly crappy new stuff. It's the full package as is, but I do hope they end up adding THPS3 to it eventually. Mad Rat Dead (Nintendo Switch, 2020): Mad Rat Dead was a pleasant surprise that I only picked up because I saw a couple of people on my Twitter timeline constantly talking about it. A fun and inventive platformer where all your actions need to be on beat with the music. The gameplay feels great (aside from some not so great performance issues on Switch), the soundtrack is fun, and it's got a real good style to it. Demon's Souls (PlayStation 5, 2020): I love Demon's Souls and this is Demon's Souls. It plays exactly the same with some minor quality of life changes. I don't agree with many of the artistic changes, but there's no denying it looks incredible on a technical level. If you want to play Demon's Souls again or for the first time, this is a perfectly valid and fun way to do so. Groove Coaster: Wai Wai Party!!!! (Nintendo Switch, 2019): Groove Coaster is one of my favorite rhythm games, and they finally made an acceptable at-home version with Wai Wai Party. It's not a perfect replication of the arcade game control-wise, I have some issues with the song choices, and the pricing is frankly fucking ridiculous if you're not a Groove Coaster maniac like I am, but the same ultra satisfying gameplay is all there. You can even play it vertically in handheld mode! Flip Griiiiiiiip!

And we're done! Phew! Honestly didn't realize I played that many good games until I typed all this out. Thanks as always for reading this far. I'm gonna try and get back to regularly posting Breviews this year at the very least. Honestly don't know if I'll get anything else up on here, but we'll see. Here's to hoping 2021 is a little bit less of a nightmare!

[deadzonetourguide]

// This is a voice-acted version of a fanfic I wrote on AO3, Rainy Days! Go check that and my other posted romac fics if you like this!

---

Shelter is always a problem out in the wasteland, but sometimes you strike lucky. Sometimes you strike extremely lucky. A hotel, albeit not a huge one, resting somewhat intact close to what would have once been the coast, if there was any ocean left. Just a wide expanse of sand, debris, and the occasional giant, mutated crab amongst other monsters. And just in time too, it had started to rain. It’s not much of a problem, but it increases the risk of various hazards, so it’s usually better to find shelter and wait out the rain and the eventual pooling of irradiated and acidic water for a couple of days.

I trail along beside Engie, the two of us carrying all the supplies while Captain leads us into the building, Pilot already running ahead to check the place out. I’m not quite paying attention to what Captain’s saying about receptionists and bell-boys, but suddenly Engie comes to a halt beside me, dragging me out of my daydream.

“Hey, uh, Engie?” I frown, looking around at the other man, who had very suddenly become quite rigid with a slight shake to him. He’s panicking over something, I realise, sighing softly and putting down my own bags to go over and try to coax out what’s wrong with the guy. “What’s up?”

". . . Don’t feel well. I’ll be. . . outside. Fresh air. Call me when it’s safe." Engie almost whimpers, scrabbling to put down all the stuff he was carrying and head right back out of this hole in the side of the building that was probably once an entrance way.

I watch with an increasing frown. Fresh air? In this world? He probably got spooked by something, and I know I should stick around and watch to make sure he didn’t get into any trouble in the rain - from the safety of the hotel, of course, making my way over to another hole in the wall to look out from. Not even a minute passes before a high pitched screech reaches the ears of both me and Engie, the latter ceasing up in panic while I fumble to grab my gun, only for the source of the noise to reveal himself. Pilot sprints at Engie, yelling something about “playtime on the beach with Doctor Angie”, and in turn the poor doctor spins on his heel and runs in the opposite direction. I can’t help but laugh.

“Careful, Pi, don’t hurt yourselves!” I call out, watching them play this impromptu game of tag, mostly saying that to ensure that Pilot doesn’t inadvertently kill Engie somehow, and that both of them stay out of trouble. At least the DEX has turned on someone else for a while, I think to myself.

It’s a long while of watching them both sprint up and down the beach, stop for a moment to let Engie catch his breath, occasionally with Pilot coming up to gently pat him on the back or sit them both down in the damp sand, only for him to give chase again the moment Engie tries to get up and move away, before I realise that something is missing. Rather, someone. Where did Captain go off to? Considering the other two are busy, the job of finding zeer comes down to me. Not that I mind all too much in reality, but I’ll certainly make a deal out of it.

Turning away from the makeshift window I’d been watching out of, I proceed to start my search off on the bottom floor. I check the lobby, cringing a little at the decaying skeleton behind the counter, then checks what was probably a dining hall and joined kitchen (with some interest, but I find no edible food to speak of, much to my disappointment), and then finally resign myself to searching each and every room on this floor. Dammit. At least I won’t have to bust my shoulder breaking the doors down to look in the rooms, since, presumably, if Captain’s in one of the rooms zee would have already opened the door.

It’s some time into my search until a harsh, discordant sound reaches me, accompanied by a distant grumbling. For a moment I wonder if it was some kind of monster, but the grumble sounded just a bit Captain-like, and I’d have to check it out anyway, just in case. I head in the direction of the sound, only just pushing the door of the room I thought it came from open when a sound - music - suddenly fills the air. Actual music. . . it’s rather soft and light. When was the last time I heard anything like that? It takes me a moment to register the actual room before me, seeing the source of the music as a slightly battered record player with a somehow intact record spinning around on it, and next to the table it’s resting on is a very familiar trench-coated figure.

“SNIPPEY! LOOK AT WHAT I HAVE FOUND!” I can hear the smile in zeer voice, as if zee’s mask didn’t constantly convey a smile anyway. Softening just a little, I walk over as zee gestures excitedly at the record player.

“How did you even find this?” I ask, frowning softly. “I thought these things were made obsolete ages ago, and if there were any left they’d be in pretty bad condition. And to find one in a hotel, of all places?”

“SHUSH-SHUSH-SHUSH. A GOOD WIZARD NEVER REVEALS ZEER SECRETS!!” Zee gently presses a finger against my mask as zee shushes me, resulting in a slightly confused frown from me. “AND, A GOOD HOLIDAY ALWAYS NEEDS GOOD MUSIC!”

“We’re not. . . this isn’t a holiday.” At this point, I should find it useless to dispute Captain’s logic, especially since I typically give into the narrative anyway. It’s at this point I spot what probably would have been glass doors at the back of the room facing the ocean front, leading to a little boardwalk with steps down to the beach, but the glass has long since been blown in. Through them, I can still see Engie and Pilot running around outside, to which I sigh. “Oh. . . those two are still at it? They’ll be soaked through.”

Captain turns to see what I’m looking at, delightedly clasping zeer hands together and sighing softly. “AH! MEINE FAMILIE. PILOT IS ALREADY PLAYING ON ZEE BEACH WITH GRANDPA ENGIE!” While I’m trying to figure out how Engie is a grandpa and how the rest of us would supposedly fit into a typical family dynamic and just how flustered I am about the conclusion I get to, Captain waltzes over to the doors and dramatically throws them open. “WE CAN WATCH OVER THEM FROM THE STEPS! AND WE WILL STILL BE ABLE TO HEAR OUR MUSIC!!” Zee announces, before stepping out into the rain and pretending to take a deep inhale of the sea air, then goes and sits on the steps. “GO GET HIM, MEIN PILOT!” Zee calls once down, alerting both runners to zee’s presence and stopping them in their tracks. There’s a faint "SIR YES SIR!" from Pilot before he begins to chase again, with a newfound vigor, much to Engie’s presumed dismay.

In the meantime, I was trying to inspect the record player to ignore the fluttering feeling in my chest, trying to figure out how on earth it’s still able to function. Did Captain really luck out? But finding not only an intact player, but also a record to go along with it - the odds had to be impossible, right? But the proof is here, right in front of my eyes. . . Sighing deeply, I decide that I shouldn’t think too much about it. What song even is this? I feel like it should be familiar, and it is, vaguely. When and where I would have heard it, I don’t know, but that feeling in my chest doesn’t go away as I listen to the lyrics.

“Fill my heart with song,     And let me sing forevermore,         You are all I long for,              All I worship and adore. . .”

I walked away to the doors before those feelings could get even more bothersome, looking out into the rain to squint at Pilot and Engie running, then to Captain sitting on the steps, now looking back at me and gently patting the space next to zeer in a silent invitation. “I’m not sitting out there. It’s raining.” I grumble, crossing my arms.

I can almost feel the pout in Captain’s slightly disappointed stare, but then, zee seems to light up. “AHA! BUT, DEAR! I HAVE AN UMBRELLA!” To which zee promptly pulls an umbrella from seemingly nowhere, and to which I have to pretend very hard that my face isn’t reddening under my mask, arms crossing tighter in an attempt to hide just how tender being called “dear” made me feel.

We stare at each other for several moments, until I sigh and shake my head, reluctantly stepping out and walking over to sit next to Captain. Usually I would ensure that there would be a respectable distance of a few inches between us, but since it’s raining and I’d really like to not get wet, I sit right next to zeer, gently bumping shoulders. There’s no harm in this, is there? No, I convince myself, this would be fine. So why is my heart beating so hard in my chest? Is it the lyrics of the song, the fact that Captain chose it, the fact that we’re both sitting so close to one another now, or a combination of the three? I know that it shouldn’t bother me so much, there’s no way that zee means it in the way I think zee does, it’s just another layer of eccentricness. And besides, we’ve been closer at times, and there was no absolute confirmation then. . .

The music stops for a moment, dragging me out of my thoughts enough to lay them to rest. Whatever I think, it doesn’t matter, there’s no use being nervous over it when things like this will happen again. So, there’s no use in worrying over daring to get a little closer, daring to relax, to space out a little watching my friends run about in the closeness and warmth of someone I like with music playing gently in the background. And so, I dare to. Exhaling a soft sigh, I rest my head on Captain’s shoulder, inching just a little closer. This is allowed, I won’t be rejected, I’m allowed to do this, please please don’t reject me--

And then Captain gently curls an arm around my waist, and immediately everything feels okay. Not around my shoulders like a friend would do, no. Around my waist, like a. . .

Huh. I really do talk myself down, don’t I? I should really stop letting my anxiety control me. Especially when I feel every shred of worry melt away as Captain pulls me just that little bit closer with a content hum, resting zeer head against mine in turn. Was zee just waiting for me to realise, or have we both been drifting closer without noticing until now? How long have we been this. . . gentle and tender in each other’s company?

Whatever the answer is, we were both happy to stay here like this, watching the rest of our small family play in the rain gently drumming around us all, music of forgotten eras playing with lyrics of putting heads on shoulders and holding someone close, of kisses goodnight and of you and I falling in love, gently playing us away into the slow approaching night. And maybe the songs that play for us will come true, one day.

[waywardodysseys]

Resigned to Fate - Chapter Two

Warnings: none I’m aware of

Word count: 1.4k

Author’s note: never written for Star Wars universe before but with The Mandalorian figured why not 

Resigned to Fate: Chp. 1

Days turned into weeks on your latest job. Your contact had informed you of someone requesting protection on another planet elsewhere in the galaxy. You were there now, minding your business and doing your job. You weren’t alone, there were at least three others. All of you dividing shifts amongst yourselves. You had the evening shift, which was alright. You had come to enjoy the sunsets on this particular planet, enjoyed the fresh just rained smell of the woods at night – which was vaguely refreshing and not off putting.

           On this particular night you were coming onto your shift when the person you were taking over for was talking to someone – the Mandalorian. Well you wasn’t sure if it was the same Mandalorian you saw back in the tavern even though they were outfitted the same way – armored body plates on his upper chest, on both shoulders and thighs. He wore his beskar helmet on his head and the faded green cape was draped on his back. You quietly approach taking cover behind a tree, wanting to get a closer look.

           Once you were able to get closer you noticed the Cycler rifle on his back with the two pronged fork on the end. It was the same Cycler rifle he had stuck in your face. Your heart quickens inside your chest as you realize it’s the same Mandalorian from before. Now you wonder if he’s there for you.

           You make your way closer to him and the person he was talking to so you could hear parts of their conversation.

           “I can give you whatever you want Mando. You aren’t taking him.” Your boss, Mykel, states.

           “He has a bounty on his head. It’s my job to collect.”

           Mykel sighs heavily. “You’re constantly making me find new people. I don’t like it.”

           “Not my fault you hire bandits and lawbreakers.”

           You begin to wonder how your boss and the Mandalorian know each other. You figure they didn’t know each other well but it was well enough to know what kind of people the boss hired.

           “You going to come back for my new one too?”

           “New one?” Mando asks.

           “It’s been a few weeks now since I got a new hire. Maybe I should prepare myself for when you’ll return for her.”

           “Her?”

           “Yes Mando. There are female protectors in the galaxy. Great ones too. She’s been extremely helpful. Knows her stuff. Carries a goddamn sword with her all the time.”

           “A sword?”

           “Her weapon of choice. She does know how to use blasters, rifles.” A pause. “She reminds me of this legend people talked about before the Empire crumbled.”

           “Legend?”

           Mykel laughs. “Whispers of a being who wielded a sword like a lightsaber. People thought the legend was of a Jedi warrior working within the Empire.”

           You grin in the darkness. You had heard of the legend as well. You always had to stop yourself from revealing you knew who it was. Because it was you.

           “In the whispers, there are a few legends.” Mando states.

           “Only heard of the one.” Mykel laughs. “I’ve been here for years Mando. There isn’t much gossip to go around.”

           “How do you know it’s not her?”

           “People say the legend died in battle. Others, however…” Mykel stops then continues on, “others think she faked her death because some generals and soldiers of the Imperial fleet have seen the person alive in the outer rim of the galaxy. I’m sure if said legend was running from the Empire, and the Imperial army, you’d have a fob and puck on the person.”

           “From the whispers you’ve heard, do they give the legend a name?” Mando asks, interested.

           Mykel shakes his head. “No.” He then sighs heavily. “If you’re going to take Orval, take him.”

           You choose this moment to walk out of the woods. “I’m here for my shift.” You look at the Mandalorian and raise your eyebrows. “Everything okay?”

           “Sure, Y/N.” The boss says.

           You smile kindly at Mykel. “Alright…I’m heading to my post. See ya later.”

           “Y/N…Orval won’t be relieving you at your post before sunrise.”

           You knew this because of the eavesdropping. “Oh, well okay. Who will?”

           “I will.” Your boss sighs.

           You nod your head and walk away, making your way towards your post. You take a seat next to the fire. Moments later you notice the boots of the Mandalorian in your peripheral vision. You keep your focus on the orange-yellow flames. “Want something?”

           “Who are you?” He asks, his voice low.

           “It doesn’t matter.” You reply.

           “Are you with the Empire?” He asks with distaste.

           You remain quiet.

           “You were with the Empire.” He states. It isn’t a question.

           “Ages ago.” You whisper.

           He crouches down so you two are eye level, even though he has his helmet on. “Tell me. Please.”

           Memories had begun flooding your mind since he had uttered the word Empire to you. You close your eyes and quickly wipe at the wetness on your cheeks. “Gedet’ye. Ba'slanar.”

           “Y/N…” He says your name lightly even though his deep voice saying it sends a chill down your spine.

           “You don’t know me Mando. Don’t use my name!” You hiss.

           “You speak the Mando’a tongue. At least tell me how you know it!” He urges.

           You somehow felt at ease telling him how you knew the Mando’a language. You didn’t know why you felt the urge to tell him though. Maybe he wouldn’t press you anymore after you tell him.

You look at him, feel you are looking straight into his eyes when you say, “I grew up hearing it, learning it.”

           He was silent for a while before he began to ask, “are you…are you Mando’ade?”

           You were raised by a Mandalorian warrior who was now dead. Everyone had blamed you for her death so you left and never returned. All you say to Mando is, “mando’ad draar digu.”

           A Mandalorian never forgets.

           You certainly had never forgotten. You get up and walk away from him. It’s time to do a perimeter check, and you need to get away from him, away from the memories he had stirred up inside of you.

           You were a foundling. Someone not born Mandalorian, but adopted into the Mandalorian culture. Your birth parents had left you behind and the armored warrior who found you had taken you in and raised you. She clothed you, fed you, educated you.

When you were old enough to know what was going on around you, she began training you to use various weapons – blasters, rifles, swords. She had taught you weapons were a part of the Mandalorians.

“Think of weapons as our way, our truth. Our life. Weapons are our religion Y/N.” She had paused then looked into your eyes, searching your soul. “We must abide by the weapons we wield young one. Once we choose them they are a part of us forever.”

           She had treated you as if you were her own flesh and blood. Then one night the life you had been living came crashing down around you. It was a night you never wanted to relive.

           Now you watch as the Mandalorian begins to shackle Orval’s hands together.

           “I’d be careful with him.” You say with a sly smile.

           Mando stops what he’s doing and looks at you. “Why?”

           Orval looks between you and the Mandalorian. He takes this opportunity to run.

           You nod towards Orval, his feet moving him quickly away from you and the bounty hunter. “He’s a runner.”

           Mando sighs in frustration and begins pursing him with his own fast feet. The Mandalorian catches up to him and takes him down in one swoop. Moments later Mando walks past you, looking at you through his helmet. He shakes his head and walks off into the darkness with Orval shackled.

           You return to the fire with a wide grin on your face and sit. The orange-yellow flames giving off warmth to keep you going throughout the chilly night. You notice the fire could use more wood but instead of getting up to get more from the pile nearby, you close your eyes and think about the pile of wood and the fire. Seconds later you hear two logs drop onto the flames. You open your eyes as you watch the fire gain more momentum and spread more warmth to you.

           Yes, you were part Mandalorian, but that was a lifetime ago, when you were younger. You also had the Force inside of you, a secret you kept from everyone, even from yourself at times because you rarely used it anymore. It was also what had killed the Mandalorian warrior who had raised you. It’s why you left, it’s why you joined the Empire.

           It’s why you were always alone. 

Chapter Three

[hardforbenhardy]

love at first sight | rogerxfem!reader

summary: roger regrets offering to help out his band mate after waking up with a hangover. though it all washes away when he meets a woman who he thinks may just be the woman of his dreams (i’m awful at summaries i’m so sorry)

warnings: none really, mentions death like the tiniest bit but tbh it's just fluffy

word count: 3.3k

this was one of the first fanfics i ever wrote, and i don’t know it got to this but i’m posting them! i’m always a little nervous to post because i’m afraid people will never read them but oh well, i enjoy writing and i’m kinda proud of them soooo here we go :) i hope you enjoy it

rogers outfit inspiration ^

Rogers POV

Of all the favours I have ever done for John, hauling his children to and from school for the next week may be my least favourite so far. Veronica just having given birth to Laura, and having to look after Michael at the same time all by herself because John had gone on a stag-do holiday (which I, the life of the party, still don't understand why I wasn't invited); I gracefully offered to take Robert, who was now 4 years old, to nursery and pick him up. Robert had said it many times before that I was the best uncle he had, which of course I knew was true; and I can't deny that Robert was my favourite nephew. He listens to me much more than Jimmy or Michael, meaning it is very easy to sway him into becoming the coolest little kid, just after his Uncle Roger. Though, I swear Brian has hardwired his child to be the most boring human ever; all he does is read books and act polite.

Of course, Monday came around quicker than I realised, meaning I had 30 minutes to make myself at least a little bit presentable, for any hot single mums I may run into in the playground of course, before picking Robert from his house. It didn't help at all that I had a tumultuous pounding residing in the back of my head after a night out with Freddie and Brian the night before, and I had woken up to find I wasn't alone in my bed; which was truly expected of myself. The woman, who laid spread across the bed, was snoring lightly as her bare chest rose up and down with every nimble breath she took. I gazed at her up and down, taking in the sight of her flowing blonde hair which was pressed against the material of my silken pillows. Not a bad pull, Rog. Knowing I had to leave in what was now 25 minutes, I grabbed my notebook and pen which I always kept in my bedside table, and quickly scribble a note.

Good shag - call me ;)

Keys under the mat; lock the door behind you babe

I was a little wary to leave this complete stranger in my house and trust her to not steal anything and lock the door behind herself, but I wasn't about to let John and V down because I had a good shag; even though I wanted oh so desperately to maybe go for another round. I paced over to my closet, searching and scanning through the racks and racks of clothes, finally settling on a black and pink striped blazer that I threw on a black shirt and some blue pants. I looked amazing. Ruffling my hands through my hair, I ensured it looked as perfect as it usually did, before rushing down the stairs to save Veronica from the little terror that is Robert.

By the time I had made it to their front door, I could already hear the cries of little Laura and Michael, the shouting of Veronica and the tune of Robert playing his violin. I knocked on the door, in which it immediately swung open revealing the woman who literally looked like she had just given birth again.

“Sorry I took so long V, woke up with a bit of a hangover" – Of course, I was under exaggerating, I could still feel the migraine in the back of my head, and the scratchy sound of the strings on that shitty little violin was not helping.

"Rog, thank you so much for offering to take him – I don't know how I would have coped with all three of them in one morning." She smiled brightly, despite her dishevelled appearance. She moved to the side slightly, allowing me to walk through the door, though I didn't bother removing my shoes as I now knew I had only 10 minutes to drive Robert down the road. She was holding Laura in her arms, rocking her gently back and forth as she attempted to calm her from whatever trouble she was in; Laura was much feistier than the first two, constantly being awake and always crying about something, and it displayed well in Veronica's appearance. "Michael, would you please stop crying! I'll come and change you in a minute!"

"I'd learn to cope – Deacy's been talking of having another!" I chuckled, seeing V roll her eyes and scoff at even the suggestion of having more than 3 children. In her eyes, why would anyone have more than 3? She would never go beyond it. "Fucks sake, of course he is. Robbie, Uncle Rog is waiting – will you please put that blimming thing down and put your shoes on!"

"Robert, come show me your violin – maybe we can start own band!" I shout through, grabbing Robert's attention immediately as he pulls his shoes on extremely quickly and races towards me, wrapping his arms around my tightly as I squat down to his level.

"Unca Wog, you'wl never guess what happened wast night – I was watching TV with mumma, and we had popcorn and bwankets and evewything, and she said I can get my own dwum kit so I can wearn drums just wike you Unca Wog! She said I have to pwove I can wearn how to pway the viowin first (because she thinks I'wl get bored of it but mummy is vewy siwwy to think that!)" Robert exclaimed, whispering the last bit into my ear before giggling slightly, before picking up his backpack and shoving it into my arms. My heart melted a little at the way he was unable to say his l’s so he replaced them all with w’s. I chuckled lightly, ruffling my fingers through his curly, brown hair – which he claimed to be growing out just like his father because, and I quote, 'Daddy has the coolest hair in the world!' – "That sounds absolutely amazing Robbie, we have a mini Roger in our midst!"

"You are still okay to pick him up?" V smiled, now holding Laura over her shoulder and handing over Robert's surprisingly heavy violin case. "Of course – 2 o'clock?"

"Yep, and Robert will show you where to pick him up from. Just let Miss Y/L/N know you'll be picking him up as well for the rest of the week, just so the school knows."

"Miss Y/L/N?" I questioned, the name having such beauty and elegance to it. I thought I may be recognised the name from somewhere, but I couldn't put name to face until I had properly met her for the first time. "Yeah – she's Robert's teacher and supervisor. Oh and Rog, try not to flirt with her"

I nodded my head slightly, taking in her words; does that mean she's good-looking? And now she's 'off bounds'? I drove Robert down to the school, it not being too far away – thankfully, considering we were running slightly late. Robert dragged me over to the classroom door, where I looked through the window to see around 30 young children running around screaming and laughing. How anyone could do this job I had no idea, I could barely handle Robert alone, as much as I loved him. I opened the door, the noise and energy still remaining despite the interruption. I looked to Robert, who hung his bags on the coat rack before joining a group of boys who looked familiar; one had scruffy, blonde hair (although he totally rocked it), one had untamed, curly brown hair, and the other was a young Tanzanian lad who seemed extremely flamboyant and a character in his own right. Then my eyes were drawn directly to who seemed to be the only adult in the room. She was squatting down beside a young girl, plaiting her delicate blonde hair carefully, ensuring she didn't pull too hard and hurt the small girl. The girl was giggling lightly, eyes flicking between the woman and Robert, while the woman wrapping the hair band around the tail of the plait one last time, before rising. She ushered the girl towards the group of boys, who were air playing all kinds of instruments, making up their own tunes and singing. Though my eyes remained solely on the woman now heading towards me, who I could only describe as the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. Her long Y/H/C locks were flowing down her back as her brow-grazing fringe shaped her face perfectly; especially since they emphasised her mesmerizing gold-flecked eyes, the type you could stare into for hours on end and never get bored. She had the most gorgeous beam of a smile, which made my stomach drop at the sight. Clothed in a floral yellow summer dress, it perfectly sculpted her curvy body, showing what I would consider too much skin for a nursery teacher – but then again, I certainly wasn't complaining. I was snapped out my trance when she finally reached me, holding out her hand – "You must be the famous Uncle Roger?"

"That's me" I breathily chuckled, rubbing my hand on the nape of my neck, using my other one to shake the woman's hand. I never struggled to speak to women, it was a natural skill of mine and everyone knew it; yet here I was, barely able to look in her direction without feeling overwhelmed. She smiled brightly again, which sent shivers down my spine and butterflies to my stomach. "And you must be the famous Miss Y/L/N"

"Famous, eh? Call me by Y/N – much less formal" She laughed, taking her hand out of mine and tucking them in the pockets of her dress. The dress in which I was desperately trying to pry my eyes away from. "I assume you'll be collecting Robert after school as well?"

"Oh, yeah – for the rest of the week. V said she mentioned it?"

"Oh my, of course! How could I forget – John's away on some stag do right? Well, I'll be looking forward to seeing you again this afternoon, but I should get back to the kids before they end up setting a fire or something!" She giggled, smiling at me before wandering back into the mass of small children, who immediately crowded round at her feet as she sat cross-legged on the plush carpet. I watched them carefully, seeing how she so easily interacted with the children and kept their undivided attention while Robert retold the story he had told me earlier. The children's laughter suffused the room, one child setting off the next like a chain of dominoes. I noticed Robert was sitting next to the small blonde girl, cuddling quite close and his cheeks blushing when she complimented his brightly patterned button-up shirt; a shirt in which he had begged V to buy for him after seeing the same one in my closet.

When the time came around to pick Robert up, a wave of excitement washed over me as I realised I would get the chance to see Y/N again and maybe ask her out. When I arrived, all the other parents had picked up their child already and left, leaving just Robert and the little girl Y/N was plaiting the hair of earlier; though, I was 5 minutes late. I jogged over; worried I was keeping Y/N behind for longer than needed, scooping Robert into my arms as he hugged me tightly. "Hey Unca Wog!"

"Hey Robert – how was school?" I asked, smiling brightly at his adorable antics to immediately come over and hug me. He squealed loudly, a grin spreading across his face as his brain racked to decide what he should tell me about first – "Wewl, Miss Y/L/N told us a stowy, and we did some painting, a-and I wearnt to count awl the way to 20 – I don't even have that many fingers, I had to use my toes!"

“That's amazing! You may have to teach me, I don't think I can get past 10 yet!" I chuckled, seeing Robert cover his mouth in shock and giggle at the idea he knew something I didn't. He zipped open his Flintstones backpack and pulled out a large piece of card, which was when I noticed the remnants of paint that had stained his hands a bit matching the image on the card.

"Miss told us to paint our hewoes – so I painted daddy and the band! Look there is your messy hair, and that's your dwum kit, and that's all the giwrls daddy says you go on pwaydates with!" Robert exclaimed, pointing out each aspect of the painting that I could only describe as... abstract. I grinned at Roberts painting, realising just how much impact we, as a band, had on younger children. Though my eyes widened at the innocence of his last point, feeling slightly embarrassed considering a beautiful woman was standing just behind us. "Oh, and this is Wosanna! She's my best fwiend!"

Robert turned and pointed at the young girl, who was anxiously hiding behind Y/Ns legs, peeking her head around them and letting a shy smile grow on her face. "It's very nice to meet you Rosanna; I'm Roger – Robert's uncle" I politely grinned, holding my hand out to shake hers and hoping not to frighten her away. She bashfully accepted the offer, her petite hand wrapping around two of my fingers and shaking lightly, her cheeks blushing from sheepishness and giggling lowly at the attention.

"Come on Wosanna; wet’s go play on the swings! Uncle Woger, please can we stay a wittle wonger?" Robert begged, pouting his lips and batting his eyelashes in an attempt to sway me, though I just laughed. Rising back onto my feet, I nodded towards Robert, seeing him shoot off over to the swing set with Rosanna hot on his heels, making me laugh breathily at his urgency.

"I believe we have a budding romance in the works" A soft voice behind me bubbled, making me jump slightly, having forgotten Y/N was stood behind me. "Rosanna told me she has a secret crush on Robert, and I promised not to tell anyone but it's just too adorable not to share. I have a feeling that Robert might like her back, but that's for you to find out"

"It is very adorable, I must agree." I chuckled, going to stand next to Y/N and placing my hands into my blazer pockets.

"Have you any of your own?" She asked, nodding over to the two toddlers who were racing after each other around the playground, turning to face me with a gorgeous grin plastered from cheek to cheek on her face.

“No not yet, I guess I haven't found the right woman to settle down with yet, you know." I explained, feeling slightly defeated with the knowledge I had met the right woman, but it had only been a day of knowing her and it seemed a little forward to already ask her to practically marry me; no matter how much I wanted to. "What about you?"

"That little one is mine" she conceded, gently pointing to the blonde girl playing with Robert. My eyes widened at her admittance, not expecting her to have children when she seemed so young.

"Oh really? You look quite young to be the mother of a child that age" I exclaimed, hearing Y/N giggle beside me. "Well, I did have her at quite a young age, I'll admit, but I think we had her at the right time. I'm so lucky to have her"

"We?"

"Me and my husband" She expanded, and I felt my heart drop. She's married. "Well, my then husband." I furrowed my brows, looking at her with a face of confusion as I tried to decipher what she exactly meant - she was divorced? "He passed away a few months before I gave birth to Ro, I never got the chance to tell him the news. But Ro and I have moved on, you know. Or at least I thought she had - she asked me the other day if she'll ever get a daddy like all the girls in the class. I had no idea what to say, I mean I'd love to find someone new, Ben has been gone for years now. But I'm just afraid of finding someone and then having the exact same thing happen. I couldn't bare to go through losing the one person you love most in the world for a second time. And I don't want Ro getting her hopes up in finally getting a father. God, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to start being all sentimental like this, it's just nice to have someone to talk to about it y'know"

"I'm so sorry, no one should have to go through that" I comforted, turning to see a tear or two rolling down her smooth cheeks which she quickly swiped away with the sleeve of her baggy teal sweater she had pulled on over the top of her dress as the day went by. I pulled her in for a consoling hug, rubbing my hand up and down her back to soothe her. She shortly pulled away, not too much further though as I felt head rest on my shoulder. "Rog?"

"Yeah?"

"I know this might seem a bit weird, considering I've only known you for a day, but I was wondering if maybe you'd like you go out for a drink tonight? It's just, like I said, I've wanted to get back on the dating scene for a while and you seem like a genuinely sweet guy and I was just hoping to get to know you a little better, plus Ro seems to really like you, I know she may have seemed nervous but she only does that when she really likes someone and she's afraid they won't like her back, a little like me I guess right now except she's usually a lot more quiet whereas I get very chatty, and I tend to talk a lot, which I know can get a little annoying but I guess it's just a force of habit by now and sorry this is probably really weirding you out, forget I even said anything-"

And with that, I planted my lips urgently against Y/N's, a wave of passion and lust washing over me as I realised the one thing I had wanted all along; she liked me too. As our embrace finally met, I felt the whole world around me fall away. It was slow and gentle, soothing in ways that words could never be. And what was even better was that she didn't hesitate, didn't pull away; she deepened the kiss, placing her little hands on the nape of my neck to pull me in closer. I never knew a kiss could so good, so perfect. The kiss was broken by the cheers of the youngsters from the other side of the playground, the sounds of "Go Uncle Woger!" and "Yay mummy!" ringing in our ears as we broke apart, chuckling softly at the animated reactions.

"I'll see you tonight then?" I breathed, staring deep into her enchanting eyes as she gazed back up at me. She beamed widely, nodding and taking out a small notebook from Rosanna's backpack and jotting down her phone number, before scrunching it up and placing it gently in my hand.

I had heard the saying a million times before. John always said it about Veronica. Brian about Chrissie. And I always thought it was complete and utter bullshit. There was no such thing. But I was proven wrong. I guess it truly is love at first sight.

[saltandsilverstories]

Long Way Down - Part 1

Elevator music. It was supposed to stop once I left the elevator, but instead it continued, the jazz accompaniment hopping from speaker to speaker in the waiting room until it hung above where I chose to sit. 

A few other people sat scattered across the room, none looking at me or each other. A pile of magazines rested on a low table by my knees. Psychology Today, Mental Health Monthly, Garden Growers. I chose the third. 

The cover was a photo of lavender, the sprigs oversaturated and somewhat hidden by the article blurbs. I flipped it open to somewhere in the middle. A family of three stared back at me. The child, a young boy no older than eleven, grinned as his father rubbed a smudge of dirt off of his cheek. 

I shut the magazine and returned it to the stack, my fingertips unsticking from the glossy paper. I wiped my hands dry on my jeans, folding them in my lap. 

“Walter Vikas?” a male voice called.

“Yep.” I stood, grunting as something in my low back pinched. “That’s me.” I rubbed the knot of muscle as I entered the room. 

“Good to meet you. Thank you for coming in today.” The doctor didn’t look at me as he spoke. He shut the door behind me, face focused on a file folder.

I said nothing, taking a seat in one of the chairs opposite his desk. Somewhere, a clock ticked. The jazz accompaniment had been trapped in the waiting room, its melody muffled by heavy wood. 

“I see here you’ve been referred to our clinic,” he said, sitting down in his own chair. “By your employer?”

“That’s correct.” 

A large window lay behind the doctor. The curtains, made of what looked like green velvet, or maybe corduroy, were pulled shut against the daylight beyond. 

“Could you tell me a little bit about this, ah, incident your case worker has mentioned here?” 

I could. I would rather not. “I, uh, yeah.” My fingers found a loose thread on the edge of one of my belt loops. “I got a bit worked up the other day—”

“About what, if you don’t mind me asking. The more specific you are, the better.” 

Tension faded from my shoulders. I appreciated that he didn’t try to fake pleasantness. It meant I didn’t have to do the same. 

“My partner, work partner, I mean, well, uh…” I licked my lips.

“It’s alright. Take your time.”

“Before I continue, is it alright if I swear?” I cleared my throat. 

A smile revealed itself on the doctor’s face, only for a moment before he returned to observing me as one would their toaster, waiting for their toast to pop out. “Speak freely. I want to hear this in your own words, whatever words those may be.” 

I rubbed my palms on my thighs. “Well, he wouldn’t fuck off, and this wasn’t a new conversation, either. We’ve been working cases together for years, and I told him not to ask about why I don’t have photographs on my desk when we started. I told him it was a touchy area, and he could ask me whatever he wanted, just not about that.” My words came out fast, tumbling like coffee over ice. 

The doctor raised his chin. “I see. You’d given him ample warning that breaching this subject would have dire consequences.” 

I nodded. 

“Are you aware of how heavily you’re breathing right now?” he asked. 

Only once the question had sunk into my head did I feel my chest rising and falling at a much faster pace than I had noticed. Looking down, my fingers were spread, gripping my thighs as if they would disappear if I let go. 

“Take a deep breath with me,” he instructed, “in through the nose, two, three, just like that, and out through the mouth, two, three. Mm, one more time.” 

He led me through this cycle twice more, until I had returned to the state I had been in when I entered the office. 

“So, your partner pushed you?” It was a question. I was meant to elaborate. 

Nodding, I answered. “Too far. Pushed me way too far.” 

“And what happened when you were pushed beyond your limit?” His voice was very soft. 

My gaze dropped to the edge of his desk. “I pushed back.” Mine was softer still.  

“Mm.” The doctor’s hands rested folded atop my case file. “And?”

“And…” My lips remained parted, each breath that entered my mouth shallow, barely filling my lungs. “And he bled. From his nose, I mean. I hit him in the face, and he didn’t fight back, but I kept…” my head started to shake, as if it were denying the story I continued to tell, “I kept hitting him. I just couldn’t stop hitting him. He was shouting at me, and he put up his hands to try and protect his face a bit, but I punched his hands, too.” I gulped. “A finger… I think I broke a few of his fingers, and then some of the other detectives, maybe some patrol officers, I don’t remember who else was in the room, they all came behind me and started grabbing me, trying to pull me off him.” My head continued to shake, stuck in a loop of truth and rejection of that truth. “But I just grabbed him. I grabbed his hair and I…” I rubbed the back of my neck. “I slammed him into the desk. His face. Over and over, I just kept…” I smacked a closed fist into my open palm three times, glancing at the doctor, who nodded, motioning with one hand towards me. 

The clock ticked in the space that followed my words. 

“Why are you here, Walter?” the doctor, Dr. Jacobi, according to the placard on his desk, asked. 

I blinked a few times, the gap between my brows narrowing. He had begun this conversation by answering the question he just posed, and so I repeated the information. “Because I was referred by my Captain.” 

The smile returned, although subdued, only just lifting the edges of his moustache. “Why did you show up??”

“Because I can’t go back to work unless I do this.”

“Do what?”

I groaned. “I don’t fucking know? This? Get better?” 

“Do you want to?” His smile grew a little. 

“I need this job, so yeah. I kind of have to.”

He picked up a pen and began to tap it on the desk in time with the ticking of the clock. “That’s not what I asked.”

My brows creased further. Do I want to what? I blinked, recalling my words, and then I looked at him. 

“Do I… want to get better?”

“Do you?” 

I inhaled, slow and deep. Tendrils of whatever had pushed me to assault Myers began to snake up from my gut, forcing me to clench my jaw. I didn’t come here to solve riddles. Only after he said those two words did it retract, allowing me to exhale through my mouth. “I do.”

“And what does that mean to you? To get better?” 

I shook my head again, my eyes distracted by the diplomas and framed awards on the walls, and the magazines on the small table by the long sofa on my right. It was far away, but the magazine on the top of the pile had lavender on its cover. 

“I just want to feel like myself again,” I told the magazine. 

His eyes were on my face, his gaze so unwavering it was more akin to touch. “When was the last time you felt like yourself?” 

The sofa gained my interest. I stared at the space between two of the cushions. “Before. Before…” A sigh passed between my lips, “Everything.” 

“And who are you, Walter?” His chair creaked as he leaned in it. 

I turned back to him. He’d leaned away from me. 

“I can’t remember anymore.” 

“Would you like to?”

“Yes.” 

Dr. Jacobi smiled, letting out a rough laugh. “Excellent. Would you like to begin today?”

My forehead wrinkled, trying to process his question. “Wasn’t that— didn’t we already start?” I asked. 

He laughed more. “No, no. That was to check if you were even suitable for this treatment. Come,” he stood, “lay here on the sofa and I will explain.” 

—

My eyes remained closed, as instructed, as he stuck another electrode onto my face. This one had caught a bit of my hair. That was going to be a bitch to take off. 

“Your vitals appear to be elevated,” the doctor said, adjusting a few knobs on the machine the electrodes connected to. “Are you perhaps nervous?” 

Extremely. “No, I’m good.”

“Mm.” Nothing more was said for a few minutes, until he passed me a small, transparent tube. “Place that into your nostrils.”

“What is it for?” It looked like a standard O2 tube. 

“The treatment.”

He wasn’t going to be any clearer, and I had already signed the consent forms and waivers. I could back out, but I was already this far in. I exhaled through my nose, and placed the tube in as instructed. 

“The machines are all set. Whenever you’re ready to begin, please close your eyes.” 

The ceiling was unremarkable. There weren’t any water blemishes or squashed insect remains to focus on. It was blank, only containing fluorescent bulb boxes and panels of plain white boards. 

It was now or not at all. I shut my eyes. 

“How are you feeling, Walter?”

“I’m fine.” 

A chair nearby grunted. He must’ve sat down. “You recall the breathing exercises we did earlier? I want you to resume them and maintain that rhythm of inhale, count to three, and exhale, count to three.” 

I nodded, readjusting my hands which rested on my stomach, fingers interlocked. As I breathed, air began to flood into my nose through the tube.

“Good, good, just like that.” His voice was low, rumbling like the machines beside me. “Do you feel the stream of air in the tube?” 

My head nodded, the feeling of movement startling me, and my body jolted as if I’d fallen asleep too fast to process. The heart rate monitor’s beeping sped up, and I focused on my breathing again, listening as I calmed down through the machines.

“What you’re inhaling right now is a combination of oxygen, and Amygdrophine,” he explained, his voice even softer now. “Amygdrophine, as written in the consent forms, was recently cleared by the FDA as a suitable treatment for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, and other mental health conditions of the anxiety and mood disorder categories of the DSM-6. I’m going to ask you again, Walter, why are you here?” 

“To get better.” There was no hesitation. The words were out before I had a chance to choose them.

“Will you?”

“I don’t know.” In my stomach, knots began to form, my palms prickling as sweat poked through my skin, yet by heart rate remained neutral, my breathing steady. There was no evidence of anything I was experiencing. 

“Do you want to find out?”

I don’t know. “I do.” 

“Good…” His clothes whispered as he shifted in his chair. “The Amygdrophine will stimulate your amygdala and other areas of your limbic system. Memories will be accessed, and you will not be able to resist. I’m sure you’re noticing that you are unable to lie, or even tell half-truths. This is one of its effects.” He paused, for what remained unclear. “I will ask you again, Walter, how are you feeling?”

I’m good. “I’m scared.” I clenched my fingers, only my hands didn’t respond. I tried again, and they remained still, locked in the position I’d put them in earlier. 

“What are you scared of?” There was no tone in his voice. It was as if he had become a recording. 

I’m not scared. “Myself.”

“Mm. Are you such a scary person?”

“No.”

“Then why are you scared?”

“I’m scared of meeting who I’ve become.” My throat constricted, my pitch rising as I spoke the last word. My eyes burned, and warmth welled up in their inner corners. 

He went quiet, and I was left gulping over a boulder that had formed at the place where my tongue ended. 

“I’m going to begin counting backwards from 10. As I speak, you will notice my voice becoming quieter. You may not even hear the entirety of the countdown. If you experience sensations of falling or sinking, that is normal. You will not be able to resist. The place where you regain consciousness will be the product of your own mind. You will likely forget why you’re there, and have no memory of this conversation. You will remain there until you give yourself permission you leave. Your emotions will be amplified, and once again, you will not be able to resist them. If you understand what you’ve just been told, and are ready to begin the descent, say yes.”

Wait. “Yes.” 

“10…. 9…. 8…. 7….”

With every number his voice and the machines drifted away, becoming quieter with each inhale and exhale my body made. I sunk within myself, my face peeling itself out from my skull until the body on the sofa was empty of its owner. 

Down I fell, the descent slow, enveloped by the nothing that existed behind closed eyes.

[dailyexo]

[NEWS] Baekhyun - 190310 Allure: “How EXO's Baekhyun Put His Identity into Privé Alliance”

"Allure's Devon Abelman sat down with the K-pop star during his first-ever solo appearance in the U.S to discuss how he defines beauty and style on his own terms.

BY DEVON ABELMAN

If I didn't know who Baekhyun was before meeting him in February, I would have thought he was just a random handsome dude I met at a nightclub while on vacation in Los Angeles.

As he politely tells a roving cater waiter offering us mini cannolis, "No thank you," I find myself believing that Baekhyun truly is that guy. I'm fully aware of his claim to fame, but he doesn't look or act the part. For starters, Baekhyun's lids aren't defined with expertly blended smoky eyes, and his lips aren't stained with a raspberry lip tint. Those tell-tale signs of a man with his job description are noticeably missing. Not a single stroke of eyeliner or fleck of glitter is in sight, either (honestly, to my dismay). A part of me hoped we'd bond over our eye makeup.

Makeup aside, Baekhyun carries himself with a quiet confidence that is so unassuming that he seems weirdly familiar and incredibly normal compared to the influencers, actors, and singers milling around us in the private VIP area. He never acts like he's better or more important than any other person there. Instead, he has the affability of the construction worker who waves to me every morning on my way to work rather than the larger-than-life bearing of a superstar from Seoul who effortlessly hits high notes while simultaneously performing powerful choreography. During our interview, I felt like I should ask him about his dog instead of his skin-care routine. If I didn't know who Baekhyun was, I would have wondered why I was interviewing him for Allure at all.

Baekhyun's wavy hair reminds me why this article exists on the Internet and not solely as a story I recount to my friends over text messages. Parted in the middle and styled to have a wet look, his auburn ends are relics of internationally beloved K-pop group EXO's most recent concept. His hair, for all intents and purposes, is the reason why we ended up sitting together in a cushy booth in the back corner of the dimly lit VIP section of a club on a Tuesday night. Trust me, neither of us frequent this fine L.A. establishment, located next to the Museum of Death. You won't even catch me in a club when I'm at home in Brooklyn. To put it bluntly, I'm only in this club talking to a nice guy because he's a member of EXO.

The EXO Connection

If this is your introduction to Baekhyun, please know that EXO is a Big Deal. Among their long list of awards and chart-topping accomplishments, the nine-member group performed at the 2018 Pyeongchang Olympics and has racked up more than 100 million views on each of their music videos on YouTube.

By extension, Baekhyun — full name Byun Baekhyun, age 26 — is a Big Deal, too. In addition to being a talented performer with 14.5 million Instagram followers, his bright dye jobs, innovative hairstyles, and experimental eye makeup have sparked beauty trends in K-pop since EXO debuted in 2012. You can, more or less, blame him for the influx of mullets and red-streaked black hair among other idols and thank him for the proliferation of red eye shadow. No matter how controversial or dramatic the looks Baekhyun tries are, he always pulls them off with ease and joviality.

Back to Baekhyun's auburn hair, though. Like most K-pop stars, he constantly undergoes vibrant dye jobs in hues, like pink, silver, and platinum, to fit the group's concepts. For "Love Shot," EXO's latest music video, he paired his newly burgundy hair with a glimmering eye shadow of the same shade and sooty black liner. Now his look is an extremely streamlined version of this.

His current lack of makeup may be a stark contrast from the bold eye looks he typically wears onstage and in music videos, but his skin is just as dewy as ever with the help of a nearly undetectable layer of foundation. His brows are probably lightly filled in, too, but I could be reaching. If anything, Baekhyun's wearing the standard amount of makeup for celebrity men. Just enough to amplify his glow, not enough to make a statement.

Baekhyun's glow is due in part to a consistent regimen; he lists toner, lotion, and moisturizer as the official order. But how many times do you wash your face, I ask, causing a couple of people in the human bubble of managers, publicists, and security guards surrounding us to laugh. Baekhyun ignores their snickers and answers, "Two," in English. (That's right, double cleansing is no laughing matter.) "If I wash my face too many times, I get skin troubles," he adds.

Baekhyun says he hasn't changed up the steps of his skin-care routine in L.A., or ramped up the number of sheet masks he uses. With EXO constantly traveling for concerts and events, "My skin gets used to the environment," he says. "So wherever I am, I use the same skin-care routine."

The Privé Connection

In hindsight, I should have anticipated Baekhyun would present himself in this low-key manner for his first-ever solo appearance in the U.S. In Privé campaigns, he's usually seen as he is now: natural, casual, effortlessly cool. His makeup is minimal; his natural-colored hair looks like all he did was run his hand through it; his outfits are sleek. With all this in mind, I ask him if he could dye his hair any color for the next campaign, what would it be.

How did I end up interviewing Baekhyun in a club, you ask? Let's go back to May 2018. Baekhyun made it onto Vogue's home page when he was named the co-creative director of streetwear brand Privé Alliance. Alongside Danyl Geneciran, the brand's CEO, Baekhyun helps create pieces that "put highlights on the basics," Baekhyun explains to me. He later reveals that he's surprised that almost all of his ideas have been executed.

My favorite part of Privé is how its offerings have a certain fluidity to them, much like Baekhyun's onstage persona. None of Privé's shirts, jackets, and bags are confined to overtly masculine or feminine silhouettes, and the same designs are available for men and women. "It's very important to have everyone be able to wear the clothes comfortably," Baekhyun explains. "Without any official communication, we agreed that [Privé Alliance] is going to be unisex."

With the newest Privé Alliance collection launching in April, the brand invited the public to join Baekhyun for a fashion presentation. The location: the very club we are sitting in. Although he doesn't act like he is (he kept to himself for most of the event), Baekhyun is undoubtedly the center of attention. He is the reason the floor below us is with filled with people from all over the world. Everyone's here to see Baekhyun, not the latest Privé pieces.

The Identity Connection

This is the only question Baekhyun doesn't answer concisely and without hesitation. "I don't know," he says in English. After taking a couple of seconds to think about it, he adds in Korean, "I love the black," adding "simple" in English.

This single word — simple — perfectly mirrors Baekhyun's personal aesthetic. "Basics, but with many little details," he explains. "It’s like you just came out of your house, but it’s still cool." In other words, he's the epitome of "Oh, this old thing? I just threw it on." I ask if he prefers to keep his hair and makeup natural and low-key, too, and he quickly replies, "yes, yes," in Korean.

The fact that Prive's aesthetic is similar to Baekhyun's is intentional. "I put my identity and myself into this collection," he tells me, echoing a line he shared when he made a brief appearance onstage before the fashion presentation commenced. The theme of the collection was his birth year, 1992, with zip-up corduroy jackets and hoodies adorned with '92 in big text.

Another adage he repeats throughout the night is, "Be brave. Be humble." The same words are printed all over the collared white satin shirt he's wearing, layered under a similar navy blue one. After the event, I saw people saying the look recalled EXO's "Lotto" era, back in 2016 when his hair was styled in a similar way and he wore collared shirts with several of the top buttons undone and silver necklaces. Onyx shadow was blended all over his lids back then, though. Fans likened Baekhyun's look that night to a mafia boss. (Seeing those tweets made me laugh, because his charm is far from disarming.) But for Baekhyun, his outfit is more a matter of comfort. "I like how silky it feels," he says. I go on to compare it to pajamas, which makes him chuckle.

Baekhyun doesn't ignore the fact that he typically presents himself with intricate details. Performing, he points out, is his go-to form of self-expression, outside of working with Privé. And let's be real, Baekhyun's performances, which ooze confidence and allure, wouldn't be the same without his stunning hair and makeup.

To borrow a word from Baekhyun, identity — and the way we present ourselves — isn't fixed. For example, the way my best friend describes my identity could be strikingly different from the way my sisters would. The way I dress when I'm going to get a bagel on a Saturday morning (track pants and a T-shirt) is different from how I dress for work (vintage floral dresses) or an event like this (a blue-and-white plaid suit). The way I do my colorful makeup is also evolving, too.

We often see K-pop stars in narrow, controlled situations, though, so we know and define them according to what we're able to see. I'm as guilty of this as the next person, i.e., assuming Baekeyun would show up with eyeliner as bold as my own. When you take a K-pop star out of a K-pop setting, a different side of them is revealed. They no longer have to adhere to a group aesthetic, just their own. We get a glimpse of Baekhyun's at the airport and in the selfies he posts on Instagram, but Privé Alliance has given him a platform to truly show his identity on his own terms.

At that club, I felt like I was being introduced to Baekhyun all over again. Back when I watched EXO's music video for "Monster" the first time, I saw him as part of a carefully crafted package; the second time, I saw him the way he sees himself."

Photo links: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7

Credit: Allure.

[porkchop-ao3]

A Thrill I’ve Never Known (Chapter 36)

Horsemen, Apocalypses

So, you all know what this chapter is, from the title. Now’s the time I start playing God and fucking with canon, just saying ;) 

So, this chapter contains: minor sexual content, a lot of violence and gore, conflict, not so happy times. But also some fluff, so it’s not all bad. 

I gotta thank @hoodoo12 once again for reading this for me and giving me some advice, I am really pleased with how this chapter turned out and I definitely owe part of my pride to her for lending me her eyes. Go and check her writing out! She’s working on some Beetlejuice stuff right now :D

Anyway, I hope you enjoy this chapter! Let me know what you think!

(All chapters tagged with #ATINK and also posted on Ao3, username PorkChop)

-

I started sleeping in Arthur's room. I wouldn't always sleep on his bed, it was a tight squeeze and it wasn't particularly practical; but it didn't stop us from spending the occasional night cuddled up together. One of us ended up falling off the bed sometimes, so I'd moved my bedroll onto the floor in his room, and I'd sleep there most often. Sometimes, when Arthur went to bed before me, I'd go up and he'd be sleeping there, effectively forcing me to sleep on the bed on my own. I had words with him about it in the morning, I felt awful seeing him on the hard floor. He could be too much of a gentleman for his own good. 

But it was lovely waking up close to him, even if it wasn't on the bed with him. Sometimes he'd be in the middle of getting changed and I'd get a glance at his bare backside, sometimes he'd be fast asleep still and I'd get a few minutes of seeing him at his most peaceful before starting my day. Both were great at putting me in a good mood.

This particular morning, I woke up to find him sitting up on his bed with his satchel on his lap, he was going through his things. He was holding up a pocket watch, inspecting it. 

I sat up, brushing my fingers through my hair to smooth it out a bit. "Morning, handsome," I said. 

"Hey, sweetheart, you alright?" He asked, bending his legs and gesturing for me to sit in the newly freed space. I nodded as I joined him on the bed, sitting cross-legged in my chemise. 

"That's a pretty watch," I nodded towards the object in his hand and he offered it to me for a closer look. It looked very expensive, gold with a folding case and intricate patterns around the face of it. 

"Got it on that riverboat job yesterday," he said. 

That's what he'd been up to the previous day, more hoity-toity social gatherings; a poker game on a fancy boat, an event Dutch had heard about at the mayor's party. Arthur had dressed up again and had his hair and beard trimmed for the occasion, but he'd arrived back to camp sopping wet. Things hadn't gone to plan, plainly. But the boys had come back with a healthy sum of cash, regardless. 

"It's a Reutlinger, whatever that means. It's worth a bunch, need to get it sold," he added.

"You're not gonna keep it? It's beautiful," I observed, handing it back so he could put it back in his satchel. Arthur smiled and pulled something out of the pocket of the vest he was wearing that day. 

"I already have a pocket watch," he said, holding it up. I'd forgotten about it; it was the stolen one I'd given to him before we were together. 

"You still have that?" I beamed in surprise and he nodded, opening it up and looking inside. 

"Of course I do, I treasure it."

"Aw, that makes me real happy. Even if it was just somethin' I stole," I laughed, shifting forwards and leaning towards him. Arthur opened up his legs so I could kneel between them, leaning over him and moving close to his face.

"You stole it, but you thought of me and gave it to me, that's special," he said, slipping the watch away and pushing his satchel aside so he could bring his hands to my waist.

"Oh, well I suppose I felt that way about the gift you gave me; the horse stuff," I started, then lifted my hand, "and this."

Arthur looked at the ring on my finger and smiled.

"Exactly."

"I've never owned a piece of jewellery like this," I noted, tilting my hand back and forth to watch the stone shine, "I love it."

I kissed him, wrapping my arms around his neck. He made a quiet humming noise and tightened his hold on me, pulling my body flush to his. He was dressed for the day in a black shirt and an attractive red vest, and a pair of grey pants; he looked handsome in a vest. It showed off the way his waist nipped in, a contrast to his broad shoulders. I was in nothing but my chemise and drawers; I took the opportunity whilst sleeping indoors to get out of my clothes at night.

Our kiss lasted and lasted, becoming more intense and indulgent as it went on. I felt his hands creep underneath my chemise, meeting the skin of my back. I loved the feeling of his hands on my flesh, so warm and big but soft and gentle. I broke the kiss but kept my mouth close enough to his that they brushed when I spoke.

"What've you gotta do today?" I murmured. 

"Gotta meet with Eagle Flies, feller from the Wapiti reservation that writer Dutch likes was helping," he mumbled back, "said I'd help too."

"You in a rush to get going?"

"No," he answered, and I felt him smile against my mouth. 

I hummed my approval and kissed him again, leaning into him as his hands traced up my spine, lifting my chemise at the back. I laid down on top of him, feeling his hips shift as my body settled against the space between his legs, and he let loose a quiet moan. His hands moved around to my sides, daring to squeeze between us and seek out my breasts. He was eager. I pulled back a little. 

"Shall I take this off?" I asked, and with parted lips and a slightly dazed look in his eye, Arthur nodded. I sat up and pulled my chemise up and over my head, dropping it on the bed to reveal myself to him. 

There was a bulge already growing in the front of his pants and it made my belly fill with warmth, low down. I licked my lips and met his eyes, enjoying the way they soaked up every inch of my newly exposed skin. He reached for me, hands sliding up my body to cup my breasts tenderly, thumbing at my nipples. I giggled, relishing in his undivided attention and the way he so clearly enjoyed playing with me. He registered my laugh and looked into my eyes, smirking, then brought his hands down my body, hooking one in the front of my drawers and using it to tug me forwards. 

I shuffled closer on my knees, sliding my hands from Arthur's knees all the way down his inner thighs, carrying on. I shamelessly cupped his growing arousal, hearing his breath catch; my hand was there barely two seconds before the door leading out to the balcony swung open without any warning. 

A scream ripped from my throat as I swung my head around to look, and I felt Arthur's body jolt, ready to spring into action. We seemed to realise at the same time that it was Dutch standing there in the doorway – looking surprised, then extremely unimpressed – and reacted accordingly. As soon as I remembered my breasts were out on display, I threw myself against Arthur, chest to chest with my face buried against his shoulder, to hide myself. I expected Dutch to apologise and leave, like most people would do in such a situation, but it seemed he felt the need to say his piece.

"If you feel like doing any work today, son, I'll be waiting out here to discuss this trolley job," he said, all monotonous as if it was him being inconvenienced, "we move on it tomorrow."

"Wha– Dutch?!" Arthur sputtered, his hands leaving my sides I imagined to gesture to his current circumstance, as if Dutch had failed to notice.

"That's all, don't let me disturb you," he said it with thinly veiled anger, then I heard the door slam shut, "we've only got half the damn country after us and more than twenty people to provide for," he carried on from outside, voice growing distant.

Neither of us did anything for a while, but eventually Arthur began stroking my hair, letting out a soft sigh. I felt him reaching for something, then the brush of fabric against my side as he retrieved my chemise and lifted it to me. 

"I'm sorry, princess. Are you alright? Look at me," he whispered, his voice gentle and somewhat timid. I lifted my head and met his gaze, noting the sad guilt in his eyes.

"I think he saw–" I mumbled, stopping midway and shaking my head, mouth turning in disgust. 

"He didn't see anything, he was lookin' at me and you moved in time," he said, and I knew he was trying to make me feel better, bless him, "and I think your arm was in the way, too."

I took my chemise from him and put it on, my embarrassment quickly turning into anger. 

"What a bastard," I hissed, Arthur looking surprisingly unphased by my insult to his father figure, "why didn't he knock? Why didn't he just go?"

"I don't know," he said quietly, shaking his head and wearing an uneasy frown. 

I climbed off of the bed, and Arthur's arms reached out after me, but soon dropped. I opened up my suitcase and dug through its contents to find some clothes. 

"Ugh," I shuddered, "I can't believe he walked in on that. Him of all people."

"I'm so sorry," Arthur was looking down at his pants, smoothing out a crease in them as if it was important. I realised he was feeling guilty.

"Don't be. It was me who started it all off. I'm angry with him," I waved in Dutch's direction, "you should go and talk about that job with him, like he asked."

"I'm not going yet," he said, and I looked at him as I hooked my corset up in the front, reaching behind to tighten it.

"Seemed important, had him barging in here. I don't want him being any madder with you, not for my sake."

"He's gonna be mad whether I go now or in five minutes, only difference is, I won't be getting an earful with my dick half hard if I wait," he snapped, immediately shaking his head and sighing, "sorry."

"Oh," I said in a small voice, my lips curving in mild amusement at his blunt openness, "well, we won't be doing anything like that at camp ever again."

"What?" He looked up at me, momentarily disappointed by the revelation, but a moment later his shoulders dropped and he seemed to accept and understand. "Yeah, good idea."

"Not that I don't want to," I assured him and he nodded. 

"I'm sorry."

"Stop apologising, ain't your fault."

"No, I just wish I could give you something better. You deserve more than this, than being treated like a–" he swung his legs off the edge of the bed and frowned, searching for the words, "like a goddamn inconvenience."

"It's fine," I shrugged. Arthur sighed and got up, helped me tie up my corset in the back, then wrapped his arms around my waist, hugging me from behind. 

"Sweetheart, I…" he trailed off. "I wish things were different, that's all. I keep thinking– turning stuff over in my head, trying to figure out what I could do. I ain't there yet."

"What do you mean?"

"I've made decisions in the past that have ended up ruining the good things in my life. I don't wanna do it again," he kissed my neck twice, "you're the best thing in my life. I think about you all the time. I–" he stopped, not finishing his sentence. Somehow I knew what he'd say and I found myself nodding, my eyes welling.

"Me too, all of that."

"If I could drop everything and run away…" he shook his head, trailing off.

"I would," I closed my eyes, hoping the moisture there would go away.

"Maybe one day," he whispered, kissing my cheek. 

I turned around in his arms and squeezed him tight. He rubbed my back in circles and that comforting act made it incredibly difficult not to lose it. 

"I'm gonna go speak with him. Then I'll head out and see Eagle Flies, I don't know when I'll be back, but I'll try not to be too long," he explained to me. 

"Be safe."

"When I come back we can get out of here, if you want, for a couple hours," he offered and I nodded my head, "okay, angel."

Arthur kissed my forehead, then left me to carry on getting dressed. 

-

The rest of the morning had me in a dull mood. Arthur had left not long after speaking with Dutch, and he'd been gone for a few hours. In that time I'd done what I'd been doing day in day out for a while; chores. I sat quietly with Tilly, sewing, for the most part, but also took a short trip into the city to pick up some supplies for Pearson. When I got back from that I decided to help Kieran with the horses. He was a little more relaxed at talking to me lately, I chalked it up to him realising that Arthur wasn't going to punch him just for speaking to me, and perhaps he was too busy thinking about another woman to worry about Arthur and I. 

I'd asked him about Mary-Beth and he'd gone red, stammering more than usual and trying to politely skirt around the subject. I hadn't pushed, but I told him I thought they'd be sweet together. He seemed to like that. 

Arthur returned around mid afternoon, greeted me with a kiss on the cheek. 

"I'm gonna go find Dutch, give him this," he showed me a bundle of money he'd earned doing whatever he'd been doing with Eagle Flies, "and tell him you and I are going out planning for that job you set up at the party; with the art dealer."

"What's there to really plan? It's all set up," I asked in confusion, worrying I was being naive or dumb, missing something. He chuckled.

"That's what I'm telling Dutch, doesn't have to be the whole truth," he whispered. I grinned at him, kissing him on the lips quickly before sending him off. 

I watched him leave from my spot, standing by Rayna on the very edge of camp, as he headed towards the house. He stopped by Sadie for a moment, chatting with her before Dutch appeared. I looked away then, still feeling a little sick every time I saw the man after that morning. 

Turning my attention back to Rayna, I pulled the brush along the length of the top of her back, nice and slow, giving her a gentle, attentive brush down that she always seemed to enjoy.

"I'll ask Arthur if we can take you out this time, girl. Been a while since you've really stretched your legs, huh?" I said to her, bringing the brush down over her flank in shorter strokes. She shook her head and huffed through her nose as a fly crawled over her muzzle. I smiled, patting her neck. 

I heard something, a scuffle and a grunt, coming from behind the wall right at the entrance to Shady Belle. I frowned and looked over there, hearing what sounded like a harsh whisper, followed by another grunt, this one louder than the first. My heartbeat sped up, my stomach doing an odd squeeze. I scanned the area for whoever was on guard duty, my eyes landing on Charles who was heading down towards the entrance, passing by Lenny, whom he seemed to be taking over from. I waved at him, then put my brush down. 

Charles started speeding up toward me, readying his gun, but he was still a fair distance away when I heard a yell, one that I could not ignore. I ran towards the entrance, passing around the corner and immediately finding myself face to face with the source of the noise. 

It was Kieran, being held from behind by some feller with his face obscured by a green bandana, one arm around his throat and the other clamped over his mouth. There was a second man in front of him, a knife in his hand, his back to me. Things happened all in a matter of seconds, but in the moment my mind ran at double speed, and I could see everything happening from one point to the next. It was like time was moving slowly enough for me to make my mind up about what needed doing, and it was the oddest feeling. 

The man holding Kieran saw me first, his eyes locking with mine, widening a little, then he shoved Kieran onto the floor, face first. My initial instinct was to go to Kieran, see if he was injured, but then I noticed the man reaching for his holster. It was not a knee jerk reaction to reach for mine, it was a series of thoughts that scrolled through all the different possibilities of how I could avoid what was seemingly inevitable, that finally led to me doing so. 

I pulled out my revolver, cocked it on the upswing, and without really taking the time to aim, I fired off a round in his direction. I pulled the hammer back again, fired again, and again and– I emptied the six rounds into him.

He dropped to the floor, there was a split second where I gasped and realised what I'd done, but I was slammed into from the side, pinned to the ground with something cool and sharp butting up under my chin. I looked up into the eyes of the man who had tackled me, they were pale grey, I noticed, then I felt the blade of his knife breaking the skin of my neck as he pushed down. I squeezed my eyes shut and let out a scream, mouth opening wide, only to taste the tinniness of blood the moment there was a loud sound, a gush, lots of wet and some solid chunks hitting my face, and the man collapsed on top of me.

Everything seemed to speed up to its normal pace and I barely took a breath before I realised what had happened. My face felt soaking wet and sticky and the body on top of me was heavy, but not for long, because it was being pulled off of me. I opened my eyes then, stunned at how quiet everything had gone, and Charles and Kieran were moving the body together; the body that no longer had a head. I stared for a moment, the taste in my mouth quickly becoming more prominent, and I spat onto the ground, a retch threatening me at the back of my throat.

Charles said my name, crouching beside me, his shotgun in his hands. "Are you alright? Your neck– can you breathe properly?" He put a hand to my chin, carefully lifting my head.

"Huh? My neck," I murmured, reaching up and feeling a slash there, it immediately started to burn and I hissed at the pain. Charles pulled my hand away.

"I don't think it's done anything serious, thank God," Charles breathed. I focused on his face, all puckered with worry, a sheen of sweat against his skin, the barest trace of blood flecking his cheeks.

"Kieran," I suddenly remembered, blinking up at him. He was standing there, shifting his weight from foot to foot, a wince plastered on his face as he stared at me. 

"You saved me," he uttered, the words rattling like someone was shaking him.

"I shot him," my eyes dropped to the body laying behind Kieran.

"Yeah you did, good work, that was a quick reaction. Things could've been much worse," Charles praised me, taking my elbow in his hand and helping me up to my feet. I clung to his arm like I'd collapse if I didn't.

"Who… Who–" I murmured, hearing footsteps and dizzily turning around to see Arthur, Dutch and Sadie rounding the corner with guns in hand. Arthur's eyes went wide but he did not approach me.

"It was O'Driscolls," Kieran announced. 

My eyes dropped to the floor again, one body with punctures in his clothes, soaked with deep, dark red, almost black, shining, a patch in the grass below him still growing. The other laying face down, though there was no face to speak of, just glistening red mush from the top of a ravaged neck.

"What a mess," Sadie commented, a dark laugh escaping her as she stepped forwards and kicked the body I'd shot, checking for movement, "everyone of ours okay?"

"I think so, we've got a cut that needs seeing to here, but it was nearly a lot worse. Arthur,” Charles said, leading me away from the carnage and into the care of someone else. I could tell just by the feeling of his hand on my back that it was Arthur. I didn't look up, unable to peel my eyes away from the man I'd killed.

"No, Sadie, you take her. Arthur, we need to prepare for if any more of these bastards turn up," Dutch decided, his hand going around my wrist with much less care than the way Charles or Arthur had handled me. 

"Dutch," Arthur said, the first word from his mouth, it sounded flat and empty. Very strange.

"Go get John, Micah and Bill, tell them to start patrolling the edges of camp. Sadie, take her to Miss Grimshaw, she'll deal with her," Dutch continued, prying me away from Arthur and into another set of hands; smaller, Sadie's.

"Deal with her? Dutch, she's–"

"Arthur, I'm not telling you twice. Use your goddamn head, she's fine," Dutch's response was angry and sharp and I jumped, exhaling a quick breath.

"Just let me make sure she's–"

"I don't have time for this nonsense! Since when did one person become more important than the rest of us? Think about what's at stake and get moving!" Dutch yelled. There was a period of silence, then Sadie patted my shoulder.

"Come on, honey," she said, then walked back into camp with me. 

I couldn't bring myself to look at anyone, though I heard Arthur say my name, quiet and with an odd, strangled tone.

"We'll look after her, Arthur," Sadie promised. 

"Charles you go get the rest of the women and children, get them inside. Kieran, come with me," Dutch was saying, his voice getting quieter as we walked away towards the house. 

"Are you okay?" Sadie asked me, squeezing my hand and giving my shoulder a gentle rub. 

"I'm fine, my neck hurts," I answered numbly, my face felt weird when my mouth moved, the drying blood tugging on my skin as it shifted.

"I bet it does, that was a close one. Any deeper and…" she breathed, her sentence dissolving. She helped me up the steps and inside where Mary-Beth and Miss Grimshaw were. They both gasped when they saw me, covered in blood, and rushed over. 

"What on Earth is going on?" Miss Grimshaw questioned. 

"We had some O'Driscolls come near camp, they had Kieran too but he's okay, I reckon this one was tryin'a save his ass," Sadie explained, "they're telling all the women to get inside in case more show up."

"I killed one of 'em," I said, and they all looked at me.

"Oh my goodness. Well done, God knows what they'd've done–" Miss Grimshaw started. 

I shook my head, squeezing my eyes shut, "I've never killed no one before."

"You ask me, an O'Driscoll's a good place to start," Sadie snorted, sitting me down on a chair. "One of the bastards put a knife to her throat, it'll need cleaning up."

"Mary-Beth, there's some water and alcohol in the other room, will you bring it through?"

"Of course," Mary-Beth said, going off to get it.

"I feel sick," I breathed, curling in on myself and hugging my stomach. 

"And a spare bucket," Miss Grimshaw yelled through to Mary-Beth. "Don't worry, we'll get you cleaned up."

The other women started coming in – as well as some men, including Strauss, Pearson – and I heard some yelling outside. Abigail stared at me with wide eyes, holding onto Jack who was propped up on her hip. 

"Upstairs, ladies," Karen called out, thundering up the steps herself, "John spotted 'em coming!"

"Come on," Miss Grimshaw said, taking my hand and pulling me up, meeting Mary-Beth halfway to the stairs and taking an empty bucket from her and handing it to me. I'd feel embarrassed if I wasn't feeling so strangely numb. 

"I'm gonna help out outside!" Sadie called, swinging a repeater from her shoulder.

"Mrs. Adler!" Miss Grimshaw hissed in disapproval. 

"Don't deny me this," she grumbled, then left through the front doors. Everyone sped up when the sound of gunfire began, a couple of screams ringing out among the women in surprise.

Everyone gathered in the landing space upstairs, in the middle, away from the windows as constant bangs came from outside. We all sat down on the ground, Miss Grimshaw kept trying to take my chin in her hand to lift my head to look at my neck, but every time I heard a yell or a particularly close sounding gunshot I would jump and look around along with the rest of the people in the room. She was wearing a tight frown and seemed able to keep her head among the carnage going on outside, she kept shushing us and telling us to calm the heck down goddammit!

"Let me look at your neck!" She snapped at me, grabbing my chin once more.

"I don't care about my neck right now, they're down there getting shot at!" 

"Ain't nothing new, darlin', they can and will handle it, now stop moving!" She huffed, narrowing her eyes at the wound and sighing, "you're bleeding a fair bit. I don't think it's a slashed artery or nothin', ain't spurting out. Probably just 'cause you're all worked up. Let's at least clean you up a bit, you're in quite a state."

"I don't wanna know what I look like," I shuddered. Just from sensations alone, I knew there was a lot of blood on my face. 

"One of the girls, go fetch her a clean shirtwaist!" Miss Grimshaw barked out. 

"Arthur's room," I said to whoever was listening. Molly was closest, and I caught her crawling across the floorboards to get into Arthur's room, scared to stand up in case of stray bullets. 

I heard the slosh of water as I was staring off after Molly, then a cloth was mashed against the side of my face. Miss Grimshaw wasn't exactly gentle with the way she scrubbed the blood and gore from my face, but I wasn't bothered; I just scrunched my eyes up, closed my mouth and let her go at it. It seemed odd, her focusing on washing me while bullets were flying below us, but what else were we to do? Sit and do absolutely nothing? At least this was a distraction.

"Ain't gonna be perfect, you'll need a proper wash in your own time, but I'm assuming you don't wanna strip down in front of Strauss," she said, injecting a small sliver of humour into a very morbid situation. Anything to take our minds off the gunfire downstairs. "While I'm doing this, just hold this to your neck," she took a bundled up piece of cloth from the items Mary-Beth had retrieved for me and held it against my neck.

"Fuck," I hissed, the pressure reminding me of the pain.

"Nice and firm," she picked up my hand, pinned it to the cloth and left it there. 

Downstairs people were entering the house, we were relieved to hear Dutch's voice (rather a novel experience for me) and not a stranger's. He was barking orders out, telling everyone where to go and what to do. I panicked, it sounded as though they were losing control of the situation, and the O'Driscolls were getting closer to the house. I realised with a cold chill that my gun was laying in the grass somewhere outside, I hadn't picked it up after being knocked down. 

I didn't realise I was panting until Susan put her hand on my shoulder and said, "calm down, just take a deep breath. Everything's gonna be alright, you hear?"

I nodded and breathed, trying to pull myself together; it wasn't me down there in the war-zone!

She tossed the bloody cloth into the bucket, inspecting my face. "You'll do," she said, then took the clean shirtwaist from Molly, who appeared by my side. "Girls!" Susan snapped, and they all huddled around me, shielding me from the men in the room. Not that I thought any of them were particularly interested in seeing me in my underthings just then. 

Molly wordlessly helped me unbutton my shirt at the back, peeling it off and discarding it. It was more red than the original blue, and I knew it'd had it. It'd never get clean. I was helped into the clean shirt, buttoned up quickly, and I was relieved to no longer feel so grimy.

"Thank you," I said to the women around me, then froze when I heard a yell that was distinctly Arthur's. I couldn't help but vividly picture him being in the middle of it all and felt tears brimming in my eyes, and squeezed them shut.

I wanted him with me so badly. 

"Shh, shh, I know," Susan cooed, wrapping her arms around me and pulling me against her. Had I spoken aloud? Oh Christ I was a mess.

Susan's chest was warm and soft and it succeeded in helping me to relax in some primal way when she rocked me; I suddenly felt like a baby. It wouldn't be far from the truth, after all, I was putting up more of a fuss than Jack. I pressed my lips together and took a moment to level my nerves, then sat up and out of her arms, putting more pressure on my neck since I'd lessened it in my distraction.

"I'm fine," I breathed. I stared at the ground for the rest of our time stuck upstairs, putting all of my energy into keeping my breath steady and not thinking the worst. 

Susan took the opportunity to pry my hand from my neck and inspect the cut, and I let her clean it up. First she washed away the dried blood caking the area, then used some alcohol on a clean cloth to disinfect it. It stung like hell and I flinched, groaning at the pain, but let her finish what she needed to do. 

My neck bled a little more after cleaning it but Susan put some pressure on it, and eventually she could dress it for me. I thanked her, and she simply shook her head and squeezed my hand.

The gunfire eventually slowed down, and stopped. We all waited with bated breath for something to happen.