#an hyh recap

[hellyeahomeland]

“Prisoners of War”: an HYH recap

The finale of our last season opens just as the finale of our first season did: with Nicholas Brody’s suicide tape. Brody stands before us just as we remember him: uniform pressed, grainy black and white, defending his decisions to the masses. Carrie drives late at night, her face steely, as those familiar words echo in her ears: “People will say I was broken, I was brainwashed. People will say that I was turned into a terrorist, taught to hate my country. I love my country.”

She arrives home, again, to an empty house.

Back in New York, Linus is paying Saul a surprise visit.

Saul: Hey, man! Am I fired yet? Linus: Miraculously, no! But Jalal Haqqani is definitely not dead, did you have any idea? Saul: Yeah, it was my entire idea. I didn’t tell you so you’d have plausible deniability. Linus: WHERE IS THE ALLIGATOR? Look, Hayes is pissed and is saying he’s going to take out Pakistan’s nuclear facilities if they don’t stand down. Saul: Jesus. Ok, get in the car, I’ll explain why I’ve been acting so fishy on the way back.

The next morning, Carrie’s enjoying a nice cup of coffee while watching her former enemy Tasneem deliver an address at the UN. Tasneem explains that the US are basically a bunch of annoying bullies and they have no choice but to defend themselves with everything they have. After, Anna goes back to the Russian Federation’s office and into Director Mirov’s office, where she notices the red flight recorder. She recaps Tasneem’s speech and Mirov is delighted because they’re all about to get promotions. Anna is steely-faced and says he deserves it.

Carrie arrives at Charlotte Benson’s giant mansion. Two Russian hunks, one of whom looks EXACTLY LIKE Jonas but is not, escort her to Charlotte’s murder demo. Actually, Carrie’s not going to murder him. She’s just gonna mix a few chemicals and create a gel that she rubs on his skin to immobilize him, then the Russians hunks will murder him. According to Yevgeny, they’re the best, and Yevgeny wants nothing but the best for his girl. Carrie looks like she may actually vomit, even though I already completed that bingo square.

In the Oval Office, Saul arrives for his meeting with Hayes but instead it’s just Evil Spawn Zabel, who looks so totally delighted to be going one-on-one with Saul again. Saul shares that the flight recorder indicates the helicopter wasn’t shot down after all, it was just mechanical failure. Zabel seems intrigued initially, the wheels in his head probably spinning to figure out how he can play this to his advantage. But Saul doesn’t have the recording and in fact has no proof. Zabel says he’s full of shit. They basically talk past each other, neither side budging from the facts (or, as Zabel would say, “facts”). He pronounces Saddam in Saddam Hussein like it rhymes with “Goddamn” and then says the Iraq War was a good idea “for the record.” Hugh Dancy revels in the slime.

Saul’s relaying this shitshow to Linus when he arrives home to find St. Maggie. Mr. Bill “I’ve Had It” Mathison has a friend who swore he saw Carrie at Langley the other day, which makes no sense to me or to Maggie but Saul’s like “could have happened!” Wasn’t Carrie on trial for being involved in the president’s murder? Anyhoozles, Maggie is once again exasperated with Carrie, her sister whom she just can’t understand. Carrie hasn’t even stopped by to see Franny. Saul agrees it’s strange.

Ironically, while Maggie is paying a house visit to Saul, Carrie is paying a house visit to Maggie. Well, more specifically to Franny’s bedroom, where’s she’s hidden a go-bag filled with cash and a shitload of meds and a half dozen passports. On her way out, she pauses on a photo of Franny, her hair red as ever, in a bright yellow rain coat. She takes it with her.

Later that night, Carrie arrives back at Saul’s, looking again like she could hurl at any minute. She spots the Russian hunks in a nearby car lighting up a cigarette. She steps inside to find Saul, sitting in his library, listening to the Fleabag soundtrack. It’s very ominous. Dad is NOT happy!

He confronts her immediately. Why hasn’t she seen Franny? Actually, why the fuck is she even back here? Seems like she’s planning a quick escape. But why come back in the first place?

She deflects initially, but it’s Saul. She knows that he knows. He knows that she knows that he knows. There is a lot of knowing going on.

Carrie: You know the answers to all your questions. Saul: I still want to hear you say it. With my own ears. Carrie: I made a deal with Yevgeny. The flight recorder for your asset in Moscow. Saul: Asset? What asset? Carrie: Don’t bullshit a bullshitter. I know she exists. I know how you communicate. Saul: Good God, Carrie, tell me you haven’t. If you have, you’ve permanently crippled our position in Russia. She’s the last live source we have there. The rest were sent to the wall by Allison Carr, a thing that was 0% my fault. Carrie: We can rebuild the intelligence network. Saul: It’ll take a decades. Meanwhile they slowly strangle us. Carrie: Let’s worry about all that tomorrow. We’re on the brink of nuclear war today in case you forgot. Saul: Relax, I’m talking to some journalists tomorrow. Carrie: Lol, like that will make a flying fuck worth of a difference. Saul: Well, sometimes that’s the price of doing business. Carrie: Who even are you? Saul: What do you want from me? Carrie: GIVE ME HER NAME. Saul: I never will. God, get the fuck out of my house. You’re turning yourself in ASAP.

Carrie storms upstairs and starts to mix the not-murder potion. For some reason she forgets to close the door because Saul walks in a few moments later. She panics and smears the gel across his neck. He looks confused for a second and then collapses. Carrie looks in shock at her mentor sprawled out on the floor. She signals the Russian hunks on the street outside. Sara begins to have an actual panic attack thinking Carrie might murder Saul.

Saul can hear her, of course, but he can’t move. He can barely speak. She tells him to give her the name, now, or some Russian dudes are gonna murder him. She says it’s out of her hands when it’s entirely in her hands. She explains to him the legacy plan. The poor guy looks literally dumbstruck. She asks him to see reason. No one person can be worth the lives of hundreds of thousands of innocent people. It’s an interesting replay of his conversation with Zabel earlier.

The GRU team walks in then — she gives him one final chance, but he still won’t say her name. They take him into his bedroom, which is GIANT, and begin prepping for the murder.

Carrie tries again. She tries really hard, with everything she has.

“Everything you have ever asked of me, I have done.” In a single line, their whole relationship, eight seasons’ worth. He stares back up at her, simultaneously expressionless and filled with hurt and pain. Is there no fucking line?

Then: “Come here,” he mumbles, barely audible. She leans in close to him, expectant. “Go fuck yourself.” A fat tear rolls down her face and she shakes her head at the GRU team. She says something about a fallback plan and then turns toward Saul, every inch of herself sorry and lost and guilty. “I had to try,” she says quietly.

The fallback plan is to go see Saul’s sister Dorit (“Saul, what do you have?”) in the West Bank. And, once there, to tell Dorit that Saul’s died of a stroke and Dorit needs to go back to DC at once for funeral arrangements. Carrie plays somber yet dutiful surrogate daughter well. She’s disgusted with herself but, again, can’t hold back. Wherever the line is, if it existed, she’s lost it now.

While she’s helping Dorit pack, she makes her move and pokes around the legacy plan. Dorit, like Mira before her, sees her brother in this woman all too clearly. “Always an ulterior motive,” she says. But Dorit is kind-hearted and she does have an envelope for Carrie. There’s a thumb drive inside and Carrie looks so relieved she could cry. She sends Dorit on her way (but not before swiping her phone... I LOVE YOU CARRIE).

Back in Washington, Saul has full motor control again but he’s really late for his meeting with those journalists, and Linus, ever the mensch and detective, realizes something’s fishy pretty immediately. Nevertheless, Carrie’s just given word to Yevgeny that she has the name, so they peace out anyway.

Yevgeny arrives at Dorit’s house on cue and dressed for warm weather. Carrie’s not getting a needle to the neck this time. She’s on full alert, gun pointed straight at him before he even walks through the door. She makes a big show of patting every inch of his body down for a weapon that he actually doesn’t have, and then tosses him a piece of paper with Anna’s name. Then she shows him what’s on the flash drive.

Here’s what’s on the flash drive: a much darker-haired Saul, with different glasses, explaining who Anna is. Aside from Carrie, she is the most important professional relationship in his life. She’s an asset but she runs herself (sounds familiar!). She is extraordinary. And he never told her because he was protecting her. Carrie turns away �� his soft, sure words are like daggers. Everything he’s talking about on that tape is destroyed. Carrie took a match to it all.

Anna’s now burned and Mirov knows. Saul rings up Resident Hottie Scott Ryan at the UN for an assist. Saul pleads with him to get Anna out of there ASAP. At the same time, Mirov’s men run in quick pursuit. Scott and Anna make their way to a dead-end room in the basement and barricade the door. Anna asks for a gun, not to shoot her way out… well, at least not out. Anna is determined, assured, confident. She won’t let them take her. You can tell how she’s been such an incredible, independent asset all these years and why Saul wants so desperately to save her. Scott refuses to hand over his gun and Anna asks to phone a friend.

On the phone, Saul reacts initially just like Scott. There’s got to be another way. We can get out of this, you don’t have to do this. But she is persistent, she’s determined. She wants to end this on her own terms. “I’ve never known anyone so brave,” Saul says, his eyes wide. He orders Scott to give her the gun. On the other end of the line, Saul hears the single shot. He winces in pain.

Shockingly, Russia followed through with their end of the deal and Mirov gets up at the UN with brand new evidence that Jalal Haqqani didn’t shoot down the president’s helicopter. It was an accident and now the whole world can hear the cockpit recording for themselves. Watching in Israel, Carrie’s disgusted. Yevgeny, ever the considerate boyfriend, asks if she’s ok.

Carrie: Just cut the bullshit, the game’s over. Also, why the fuck are you still here? Just leave already. Russia’s a frontrunner for the Nobel Peace Prize and a decent woman is going to be tortured and killed by your government. Yevgeny: That decent woman got two assets of mine killed in Cyprus. Carrie: Oh, I’m sure they were both good samaritans. Yevgeny: Fine, if you want to blame me, go ahead. Carrie: Good, I do blame you! Yevgeny: Look, sometimes it’s just the cost of doing business. I did what I had to do. Carrie: WHY DO ALL THE MEN IN MY LIFE SAY THE SAME THINGS? Yevgeny: He should have pulled Anna from the field the second he realized what you were doing. Carrie: You just don’t fucking get it. He didn’t pull her because he trusted me. He fucking loved me. I betrayed him. I broke that.  Do you even understand what that means? Yevgeny: You’ll survive. So will he. Carrie: I don’t know what it’s like on your side but it must be very lonely.

In the Oval Office, Hayes, Zabel, and Linus—still not eaten by an alligator—are huddled around the TV watching Mirov’s press conference. Mirov pleads with Hayes to stand down following the reveal of this big misunderstanding. Suddenly Zabel looks like he wants to get eaten by an alligator! Hayes asks Linus, who hasn’t been addressed directly by POTUS in 4-6 weeks, for a direct line with the military. They get Owens on the phone. Zabel’s plan to start a phony war to consolidate power and kill more brown people has been thwarted. Everything’s coming up Linus!

Back at Dorit’s house, Yevgeny tells Carrie that Anna’s killed herself. She’s about to make some quippy remark like “Sorry you missed out on some gulag fun” when Yevgeny connects the dots for her and says that Saul must have warned her. And then Carrie connects the dots for us: Israeli counter-intelligence knows too. Time to book it! They hop in their getaway car and head for Ramallah. Yevgeny has people there who can smuggle her into Syria. And then? And then…

Are you sitting down? We fast forward two years. We’re in Moscow. Carrie Mathison is in a large, spacious penthouse. She is applying MASCARA. TO HER EYELASHES. HER HAIR IS CURLED.

“You almost ready?” says a familiar, accented voice. IT’S YEVGENY. She turns and smiles. Y’ALL THEY ARE LIVING TOGETHER IN MOSCOW.

Sara: [head explodes]  

He asks if she’s excited. “Very.” Remember in season five when Claire’s like, “Carrie’s doing great, for five minutes.” This is like that only better.

Yevgeny gives her a gold necklace, for “finishing.” Do we all get one too? He tells her what she’s done is very, very important and it’s time to celebrate. It’s sort of surreal. The best way I can think of to describe it is the season of Lost where Jack and Kate are off the island and living together and in love and if you were, say, into that, it was paradise. If you were, say, not into that, it was bizarre as fuck.

Once ready, Carrie runs into her office to get her purse. It’s… about what you’d expect her office to look like. There are stacks of books everywhere, documents printed out and tacked to the wall, sticky notes all over the window. The picture of Franny in the yellow rain coat is still there. She turns to the wall and takes it in. It’s pages and pages of news articles about the CIA’s drone program, Abu Ghraib, the black sites, torture. Familiar figures—in real life and in-show—are visible. Snowden, Brody, Quinn, Keane. It’s her professional career—her entire life—arrayed in one final collage for us to take in. The familiar closing score from “The Star” begins playing as she shuts off the lights.

Cut to Saul, in his house, now much emptier. He and Dorit are packing boxes. He’s had a heart attack and is moving out, presumably to someplace where he’s not alone all the time. The phone begins to ring. It’s someone looking for a Professor Rabinow.

Then the jazz stars to play. Yevgeny’s big celebration for Carrie was a jazz concert by Kamasi Washington and crew. It’s electrifying. They’re both into it, bobbing their heads as much as one can bob their head to jazz. It’s a clever callback not only to the jazz musicians Carries spots in the pilot but also to this oft-parodied passion of hers. The cacophonous sounds, it’s bliss.

The song finishes and out of the corner of her eye Carrie spots a woman in the orchestra exit her seat. She absentmindedly rubs Yevgeny’s knee. It’s a subtle but specific detail with one purpose and that is to reveal that this relationship is real. It is comfortably intimate. It exists in the grey--in the duplicity--that Carrie’s relationships with men have always existed in. Maybe that’s her happiness. Maybe that’s how she’s not alone.

In DC, Saul pays a visit to his friend Claude, who calls him Professor repeatedly, even though Saul claims all that stuff is over with. Well, the package addressed to Professor Rabinow that was just delivered this morning begs to differ.

At the concert, Carrie excuses herself to go freshen up her makeup and ends up at the vanity right next to that woman she’d spotted. The other woman eyes Carrie, before casually taking off with Carrie’s purse. Carrie takes hers.

At his home, Saul has the Professor Rabinow package. He opens it. It’s Carrie’s book, the presumed result of all that research in her office. It’s called Tyranny of Secrets. A haunting black-and-white image of Carrie stares back at him from the cover. This is her work... and it’s his, too. He flips through the first few pages. He reads the subtitle, “Why I Had to Betray My Country.” And the dedication, “For my daughter, in the hope that one day she will understand.”  

He doesn’t get it until he does. He flips the book upside down into that familiar Y shape and then extracts a slim piece of paper from the spine. She reads: “Greetings from Moscow, Professor. The Russian S400 missile defense system sold to Iran and Turkey has a back door. It can be defeated. Specs to follow. Stay tuned.” He looks up in awe, a hint of a smile across his face.

At the concert, the saxophone blares in her ears, vocals ringing, strings, bass, piano, drums. Everything, all at once. She sighs, then smiles, bathed in blue light. Not noise. Music.

[beihonglin]

anyway i met bei honglin and he’s an actual angel and we don’t deserve him: a recap

also this is more than 5k words so like ! prepare yourselves!

fhdjjd okay so in april honglin’s hyh brought up his birthday party in his gc and I was like :——) that’s when spring sem ends I could actually make it

 fast forward through a lot of encouraging by summer miss @91percentchaoze​ (sobs I rly owe summer my life) and a lot of anxiety about flights and a lot of other stresses in between

and June 2nd I’m in shanghai with mirthe miss @honglinsmacaroni​ and meggi and summer ie three of the cutest people in the world!!!

when we get to banana there were already other fans there waiting at the event space and the hyh was giving out seat numbers and stuff

so meggi was 10, summer was 11, mirthe was 14 and I was 15

and we started giving out the slogans and stuff we printed until the staff chased us out so they could set up

and so we were chilling first in Starbucks w the other fans fhdjjfjf they’re rly so cute I was finally able to put faces to weibo handles & they finally realised they were talking to someone who’s actually shit at speaking Chinese lmao

then when it got to 2 o’clock we moved outside near the entrance of the event space (since the event space was supposed to be open to us at 2)

but they got the time wrong and we ended up only being able to go in at nearly 3

which isn’t important anyway bc !!! we saw tangram walking in !!!

okay so we saw this white blob coming out from the main banana building and walking towards one of the side buildings and we were like

whomst

and it wAS JINGZUO JSDKAHFKJDH

and summer or mirthe waved at him and he was like bitch wtf and squinted

like ??? who the heckity is waving at me but then eventually he connected the dots and was like o yah fans so he waved back fhdchdkhcjdjf

and he just walked on what a king ??????

summer was right I was surprisingly more chill than I thought I would be fhdjfjfjjf I thought I would cry but I didn’t

so we waited around a bit longer, got suntans and sunburns and slightly dehydrated

and then honglin walks out

my god y’all he’s a whole goddamn angel he’s not real I’m telling you he’s unreal

I KNOW I said the last time that yanjun is rly unphotogenic and all the photos don’t do him justice but leT ME TELL YOU

THE ENTIRE BANANA FAMILY IS LIKE THIS THEYRE UNREAL

THEYRE ALL BANANA PEELS IN HUMAN SUITS THEIR VISUALS ARE ??? NOT HUMAN

but yah at first I was like o he’s gonna go through the back exit to the event space he’s not gonna come this way

AND THEN HE CAME THIS WAY

fhdjfjfj i didn’t take a video but if I did u would probs hear me go “o shit he’s coming” fhdjfjfj

and mirthe was like I’M GONNA TELL HIM UR WEIBO HANDLE I’M GONNA TELL HIM YOU’RE ASTROFIREWORKS and I was like NO so then we had a little back and forth for a while tHAT HONGLIN SAW FBDJHFJF

I don’t rmb a lot of it bc I was mainly in shock that he was in front of me so I was mostly like :——) heckie!

but he went through the front entrance and the moment he made it inside I lost my shit fbdjfjjff

mirthe sent a picture of me just kneeling at the entrance contemplating my entire life to the group chat fhdjfhdj apparently I said that I wanted to go home fhdjfjfjjf

and then zhixie and jingzuo came out soBS

ZHIXIE IS SO BEAUTIFUL IRL U DONT UNDERSTAND HIS CHEEKBONES ARE INSANE

also he had black hair again and the cuTEST HAT ON and we promptly lost our shit

Jingzuo,,,,, in a plain white shirt and blue jeans and converse,,,, someone PLEASE stop him

but they went in and we cried

and waited outside bc ruotian and chaoze still hadn’t gone in but then someone came to tell us chaoze was off filming for his show so he wasn’t coming & somehow ruotian had alr made it into the building without us noticing so eventually we all went in

and the chairs were so comfortable o my god they swivelled and they were like super squishy I love chairs

and then the best two hours of my tgm stan life started :—(

my god the moment honglin stepped on stage my entire heart melted he rly looked so good sobs

you’re completely right I’m dedicating an entire portion to his visuals

his eyes :—-( are so sparkly my god

and when he smiles his eyesmile???? he gets those rly deep wrinkles around his eyes and they’re actually beautiful????? ;;;;

he Radiates joy like i know i say this so often but their debut song??? radiant??? written For him,,,

also when he smiles it’s so warm like you find yourself smiling along bc he rly and genuinely means it and is happy and your heart just warms up bc he’s happy and i just

man i l*ve him

okay so the first segment zhixie was like “what do y’all love about beibei”

and everyone was yelling different things like “he’s so handsome” and “so talented” and “his vocals” and someone also yelled “he can eat a lot” and zhixie was like ??? bro whAt

also someone said “he spoils his fans a lot” and my god y’all it’s so so true but more in that at the very end of this recap

I couldn’t even say anything rip bc my entire brain was set in English and I was like ???? my god i wrote an entire post about the reasons I l*ve him but my mind is blankity blank

but then he was like well beibei’s great at pick up lines

so he did pick up lines based on scenarios zhixie gave fhdjfjfand most of them were old tsk

but he made up this rly cute one that went like 看花开不如看着你发呆 ‘people like looking at flowers bloom, but i’d rather look at you daydreaming’ and i UWUED SO HARD

and I didn’t realise this until meggi pointed it out after but when they put the scenarios on screen, they used a gender neutral “TA” instead of the gendered 她/他 ;;;;;

then they did this segment where honglin was supposed to go against three fans and do a tongue twister in the shortest time and in order of time they got to choose foods under cloches

honglin did so badly fhdjfjfj he got last place but idk if he did it on purpose so his fans could win

one fan got wasabi disguised as ice cream and zhixie was like EAT IT and honglin was like DONT

and he offered to eat the wasabi for her I’m sobbing he rly is so sweet

but zhixie was like NO SHE HAS TO EAT IT and everyone laughed bc he was so adamant fhdjfjfj i love zhixie with my entire soul

and thEN honglin goes okay y’all know how I posted that picture last night

(this picture)

my god I died when he posted it bc

1) I love that shirt what an expensive look

2) he was baking ;A;

and he made a half-baked cheesecake s o b s

he was like: “since i’m always posting vlogs and y’all always watch me eat I thought I’d make food for y’all this time” and I WEPT

and he was like oh give me a theme and i’ll decorate the cake around that theme

so they pulled out the box again and he picked random numbers

and they called out 4 and 15 and 27 to go on stage and I was like

wow I wonder who they are omg

and suddenly summer’s in my ear going MY GOD 15 IT’S YOU

me:

me: what

zhixie: STOP DREAMING IT’S YOU

me: WHAT

hdsflgkjhdfkhgjdsfgkhksfgkdjhdfgkjhsdgjh

and the entire time i was mouthing to mirf and meggi like I CAN’T SPEAK CHINESE I’M GOING TO GO UP AND FORGET THAT I’M BILINGUAL I’M GOING TO BE BYELINGUAL I’M

and they were mouthing back sPEAK ENGLISH and i was like oK

and then it was my turn and i was shaking so so so hard ????

like i’m so so so bad in front of crowds i’ve shaken my way through every marketing presentation ever bc i hATE public speaking and now i have to go up in front of two angels?????

mirf and meggi were like THAT’S ASTROFIREWORKS and i didn’t realise until i checked the group chat after that zhixie said yAY KJDHSKSJAHKJA

and summer was like SHE FLEW IN FROM NEW YORK kjdshfkahdgjfhagjd

and zhixie was like wait do u speak chinese

and i blANKED OUT I WAS LIKE YES BUT FAM NO

but he only took the yes and was like ok thaNK GOD I DONT HAVE TO TRANSLATE

inside i was like fAM WHO THE HECKITY DO U THINK TRANSLATES YOUR VIDEOS I CAN DO IT FOR U KASJDHFLSKJDHKH but outside i was just ah yes :—)

and zhixie and honglin said something about english but my mind was blank all i could do was stare at honglin like

y’all

i know i said he was unreal but

up close

he’s literally ??? a whole angel like ????????????? his eyes sparkle so much when he laughs my heart STOPPED

and when they asked me to step closer i was like

actually i can translate for u i’m-

and zhixie was like NO THERE’S NO NEED like akdsfhkjkjdshJKASDHK OK

then honglin asked what theme i wanted and i was likE FAM IDK I’VE BEEN BLANKING THE ENTIRE TIME STARING AT YOU

so i was like okay i know u rly like one piece so something maybe one piece related

and he was like fam that’s difficult sadjkfhalsKJSDHLKJASD

but the moment i opened my mouth

zhixie: ARE YOU SINGAPOREAN OR MALAYSIAN

me: uh i’m singapor-

honglin: uwu i can hear it

me: about to die

zhixie (in english): ur accent !

and god yall my entire heart burst into flames like

i’ve said it before here but i’ve spent quite a bit of time being ashamed of my accent bc when i first got to america nobody could understand my singaporean accent and everyone kept asking me to repeat myself and eventually i was like ok u know what it’s better if i just shut up and not talk

and so the reason why i’m so so so proud of zhangjing (and jj) is bc there finally is ?? some south east asian representation and there are even people complimenting his accent and calling it cute and it ?? finally felt like i shouldn’t be embarrassed about the way i speak??

zhixie: when i heard you i was like eh? it’s almost like i heard you zhangjing

and i

Cried

and then zhixie turned to meggi and mirthe and were like yall come from beijing?

like fam what

and meggi was like no we come from belgium

zhixie: malaysian? you?

about ten people correcting him: belgium

zhixie, again: malaysian?

kajsdhflasjdkhfkj

and then zhixie said some other words but yall i was

just watching honglin

his hands are so so so so beautiful like his fingers are rly nice and

his nose ??? work of art

also his hands looked so soft like :—(

he was just bent over the cake and he :—( rly truly a goddamn angel

summer took photos of me that i’m never releasing ever sakdfhaksjdhfds i look so COMPLETELY WHIPPED FOR HIM LIKE

and at one point he started plucking cherries and one stalk fell on the floor and i was like o no so i went forward to pick it up and he

looked up

and said ‘oh it’s okay’ and smiled and

my heart stopped i think i left my soul on stage

O SHIT OKAY AND THEN ZHIXIE WALKED OVER AND WAS LIKE

CAN I ASK WHAT YOU’RE THINKING U LOOK LIKE YOU’RE LOSING UR MIND

AND I WAS LIKE FAM U DONT UNDERSTAND I A M

and i was like ‘idk i’m just ?? very shookt’

and zhixie was like what??? shy????

me: 很惊讶 (very shocked)

zhixie: shy? ? ??

me, thinking: fam this is how i feel when i translate yall captionless vlogs

zhixie (in eng): is this ur first time seeing honglin?

me: my first time seeing you also !!!!!

zhixie, suddenly shy: ah okay thank u

UWU!!!

and then honglin was done and looked up and i might have died inside again

AND HE WALKED OVER AND I WAS LIKE FAM NO DONT IF YOU COME CLOSER I’M LITERALLY GOING TO DI E??????

and he was like ‘oh this is zoro’

the sane part of me: oh wait ur favourite character is zoro???

bc liTERALLY TWO DAYS BEFORE HE POSTED ABOUT SANJI AND SO MY SISTER AND I WERE LIKE OH HE PROBS LIKES SANJI

BUT HE

LIKES ZORO

(my sister, afterwards: wtf i feel lied to)

but he was so heckin close to me like fam my heart

stopped

honglin: i hope u like it uwu

me: heck !

honglin: take one bite!

me: HECKITYHECK

zhixie (in eng): i wanna see ur facial expression

aND THEN THEY WERE BOTH LOOKGIN AT ME LIKE FUCABJS,BCD

FUCINADJCNSAKJDKJ

honglin: is it okay? ;;

me: FUCIJNSKCSADJ YES TAKE MY HEART TAKE MY SOUL

and i finally FINALLY FUNIAJKNSSK FINALLY GOT OFF THE GODDAMN STAGE

zhixie: WHERE’S HER APPLAUSE

anD EITHER RUOTIAN OR JINGZUO UPSTAIRS STARTED CLAPPING AGAINST THEIR MIC LIKE ASDFAHKSDHFAKSJD SHUT UP

 AND I WANTED TO DIE I WALKED ITNO A CARDBOARD CUTOUT RIGHT AFTER BC I WAS SO SHOOK

and honglin was like be careful! there’s a cardboard cutout right there! bc he’s a whoLE ANGEL

but also like GKASCKASHDHFAJDSHLFKJ PLS STOP LOOKIGN AT ME PLEAS E MY HEART IS WEAK I’M

my god

collapsed into summer’s arms right after thank god for summer !!!

okay then the next segment zhixie was like o yall know honglin’s position in the group is main vocal so next he can sing something for yall

honglin: actually i prepared an entire song for yall but music copyright means that i can’t sing it w a backing track

bc if he sings w a copyrighted backing track or if he sings more than half the song the livestream video would have to be taken down or something??

but it didn’t matter bc the moment he opened his mouth my entire heart STOPPED like

if he stabbed me in the stomach it would have hurt less his voice is so so sososos ososososososoosososo beautiful ????

and he sang without a backing track to like ????

i’m telling yall he’s a whole angel like he’s not real

and then honglin was like oh i also prepared another song but bc i now see there are overseas fans here i’m gonna sing an english song

and he sang when i was your man by bruno mars and when he hit the high note i think i ascended into the afterlife

about the 46 minute mark here i RLY AND TRULY RECOMMEND LISTENING TO IT SOBS HE SOUNDS LIKE THE PERFECT ANGEL HE IS

AND ZHIXIE HARMONISED AT THE BACK LIKE AHHHHH THAT’S MY BABE MAIN VOCAL TAGTEAM RIGHT THERE

and then zhixie asked if there was any other song we wanted and i was immediately like JJ!!

i’ve been ??? pleading for a jj cover forEVER ND HE

FINALLY PULLED THROUGH

honglin: i’m going to do Those Were The Days bc like the song says (那些你很冒险的梦 我陪你去疯 - all those adventurous dreams, i’ll chase them with you), i’ve been chasing my dream and yall have been here with me every step of the way

and i think the moment he said it i DIED like ???? jj is one of my favourite singers and nearly all my faves have covered his songs at least once, astro included???

and everyone who knows me knows i love jj like nini miss @tanqram​ has literally made a tangram singing jj compilation that i watch religiously ??? and this is one of my fave jj songs?????

and the moment he opened his mouth like ???? i KNOW i said that i died the last two times he sang but

firstly he sounds so much like jj?????

and secondly everything was ???? perfect??????

like i judge jj covers hard bc i’ve listened to the originals so many times everything is ingrained and the moment something is off i cringe but

yall

honglin’s perfect honglin is Actually Perfect

ALSO HE SOUNDS SO MUCH LIKE JJ LIKE HE RLY WASN’T LYING IN HIS IP INTRODUCTION

and afterwards honglin was like lol jj said before that whenever he sings high notes he starts sweating and immediately jingzuo (???) was like TAKE OFF UR CLOTHES LKAJDHSFKASJDHFK

jingzuo chaotic good!!!

also i didn’t know until afterwards when the fantakens were out but ruotian was eating chicken wings and slurping noodles the whole time upstairs aksjdflhaksdjfhaksj why is didi line chaos

and then zhixie was like yall know what other things beibei is good at?

like fam he’s good at everything we rly can’t

also someone in the back was like he’S GREAT AT DOING THE SPLITS and honglin’S FACE AJSDFHKSJDHF

but it was languages and so zhixie was like we’re gonna make him say i love u in many different languages

and i could FEEL marta miss @honeyforzhixie​ going ????? isn’t that ur thing zhixie jsdgflasjdhf

and so they started discussing languages and zhixie was like o i know u can speak a little japanese bc i know u memorised the entire one piece theme song

and i SCREAMED INSIDE bc we literally juST TALKED ABOUT IT THAT MORNING WHEN WE VIDEO CALLED NINI nkfhakjsdhf we were like uwu we hope he sings a jj song but then we were like o lol what if he ended up singing the one piece theme song instead bc we bet he knew the whoLE THING AND HE DOES KNOW IT AJSDFHLAK

but then zhixie made honglin imitate maotong and say ‘i love u’ the way maotong would and my heart ached a little i miss my baby boy so much ??

but JINGZUO CHAOTIC GOOD JSDHLAKJ ‘could u imitate chaoze too’ jaskdlfhkjd

and so he did a couple different versions like Japanese (he and jingzuo screamed lines from one piece at each other ajdkhflksd) and korean (he took a line out of some korean drama?????)

and someone suggested french (was it mirf?????) and i lAUGHED rip his french vlog sorry honglin i swear i love u !!

and then they were like ok time to play his fan video

okay listen i have to preface this by saying that when i got the brief from the hyh she told me ‘it’s best if we make him cry!’ and i was like ok! sure!

turns out it made ME cry i stressed out over the video for two entire weeks sobs the moment my finals were over i locked myself into nyu’s computer lab until moving out day but still couldn’t finish it so i had to work on it on the plane ride home too sobs my roommate connie miss @ynajun​ saw the worst of it bc every time i came home from the lab i’d stress about it ???

but my god it was worth ??? everything ????

he ?????? cried??????

and like on one hand i’m happy that i managed to fulfil the brief but also i feel bad bc he cried but also mostly i laughed bc he’s such a sweet emotional bub

BUT ALSO BC HE CRIED MEGGI GOT TO OFFER HIM HER TISSUES!!!!!!!!

like we specially bought tissues before we left for banana bc we were like we’re gonna need them bc we’re gonna cry

BUT IT TURNS OUT HONGLIN NEEDED HTEM MORE AJSDKFHLASJDHFKAJ

zhixie: he cries every year during his birthday

zhixie: but also even when it’s not his birthday he cries he cried at my birthday too

and afterwards in chaoze’s birthday post he called honglin a crybaby too UWUWUWUWU

tangent but on his birthday when he came into the group chat he thanked us again for the video and i Died

okay this next part is purely speculation bc i honestly might just be overinflating myself and he might have done this purely coincidentally but when he thanked us for his video he looked at me and i ?????

when the video was playing nini and marta were yelling in the gc that they knew the video was done by me bc i overuse cc particle world on after effects jasdhlfksjdh but in that moment i briefly entertained the thought that he was familiar enough with my edits to know that the only idiot who keeps using cc particle world was me ??

but also as i said purely speculation and probably coincidence so

anyway you can watch it here 

and then they played the birthday video messages from fans and i think i died from embarrassment let’s Not talk about it

but also i only realised it after they pointed it out in the gc but apparently zhixie and honglin were both singing along to the jj backing track i added to my video ajsdfhlaksjd

my god another tangent but on his birthday when he came into the group chat we were talking about the videos we recorded

and hh (one of honglin’s og fans she’s a whole angel too I love her !!!!) was like my gOD i rly am so unphotogenic (when she filmed her video she put a ‘FAT’ over her face sobs but like mood) and i was like yah same lol i had to record myself like ten times in times square bc i looked so bad in all the takes

and honglin was like HH WHY DID U CENSOR UR FACE UR CLEARLY SO CUTE and we collectively died for her uwu !!!!

then honglin rePLIED ME SAYING ‘OH BUT TIMES SQUARE HAS SUCH A GOOD VIBE’ and i died for the nth time ??? and then he followed up by saying ‘i rly want to go to times square i’ve gone to america a lot of times when i was younger but i’ve only ever been to the west coast’ jksadhlfkjshekj pls come i’ll bring u around east coast best coast

but back to the point he was like ‘i’ve said it before during ip (and he did!!! during the fanfan episode where he was talking to the rubbish bin he rly has said it before!!!!) but i rly try my best to remember every single person’s face and all my fan’s weibo IDs’ and my heART MELTED HE

and then it was his ending ment!!

he said something that rly threw my heart off a cliff he said that he’s so grateful for the hyh and fans for listening to him and donating to charities in his name instead of buying him extravagant gifts bc when he makes it big, if he makes it big, the thing he wants to do the most is to donate to children who come from a less privileged family background bc he knows what it’s like coming from a single parent family and ;n;

then they showed wishes from other idols!!!!!

there was wang ziyi, zhou rui, the twins my ip hEART

LISTEN I ??? when zuo qibo showed up my SWIN HEART EXPLODED I ??? MISS ??? MY SWIN ANGELS ????

AND THEN RUIBIN SHOWED UP IN ALL HIS UNKEMPT AND UNSHAVEN AND RAMBLING GLORY AND MY PRINCERUIBIN HEART WEPT I THINK I HELD SUMMER’S ARM SO HARD SHE GOT BRUISES AJKSDHFKSJD I’M SO SORRY SUMMER I LOVE U

and then cHAOZE APPEARED !!!! and everyone immediately melted he’s the softest leader alive i love my baby!!

and honglin was about to say something but ruOTIAN

ruotian showed up w a cake w sparklers???????? like fam???????

and eventually we had to say goodbye :—(

but honglin was like o i rly and truly thought that there would be lesser people at this birthday than there was last year and my heart ??? broke ????

bc the room they were in last year alr was so small and there were rly little roses but he ??? genuinely thought he had so little fans that he wouldn’t even fill up the room ;;;;;;;; bc there rly are v little active roses both on weibo like there are less than ten of us who actively post in his chaohua and at tgm events like they’re mostly lrt/jjz fans and there’s usually only one rose ;;;;

but listen honglin our entire gc would die for you we will never stop loving u until every last one of us is found dead in a ditch

and then we’ll love u into the next life

also after he said goodbye he was like sike!

he kept singing behind the cardboard cutouts and peeking around them to say hi again

at some point I poked my head over and went PLS COME TO NEW YORK and he said something back that I alas couldn’t hear rip

and then he started singing along to jj again sobs

but eventually at some point they left via the back door and I was like GOTTA GO THIS IS LITERALLY WHAT I’VE BEEN TRAINING FOR sobs going to the airport for yanjun and wenjun and jeffrey and ziyi and kunkun rly was to prepare me for one thing and one thing only and it was to practise getting good non-shaky fantakens without dying???

jingzuo rly truly looked AMAZING he rly rocks the white tee blue jeans and converse look jingzuo stans stay winning!!!

and honglin ;;;;;;; was holding my banner ;;;;;;;;

and he looked directly into my camera a couple times sobs and he shot hearts too I rly ???? Editing the photos made me cry so many times fbdjhfjf every time I got to those photos I lose my mind

ALSO ONLY AFTER EDITING THE PHOTOS I REALISED RUOTIAN WAS JUDGING ME SO HARD GHDJFJ my eyes were glued to honglin the entire time but looking at the photos again ruotian looked so unamused fhcjfhfbfhbf

speaking of ruotian my gOD editing photos with him in it is a nightmare y’all he’s either blinking or looks like he’s about to sneeze in nearly every picture fhdjfjfj summer and I generally make it a rule not to blur other members’ faces out of our fantakens but ruOTIAN RLY TESTING ME

but we made it to the banana lobby and I didn’t want to follow them and their fansites in so I stopped walking and honglin turned back to wave at me ;;;;;;;;;;;;;; and i think i died again

and so I went back to the event space where summer and mirthe and meggi were waiting and sat down and blanked out sobs

but it diDNT END THERE FHDJFJJF FOR SOME REASON HONGLIN DECIDED TO WALK OUT AGAIN A BIT AFTER

so mirthe and I were like omg gotta blAST so we speedwalked over

and he :—-( saw and shot signs at my camera again fhdjfjfjjf I ???

and then it was Actually Over god I was a shell of a person after that

still am tbh I’m not sure how I survived sorting through our 2000+ fantakens fhdjfjfj

but I’m so spoiled y’all I’m really truly so spoiled by him :—(

like I said earlier he rly spoils his fans so much????

that night he posted on Instagram and immediately summer and meggi and mirthe and I commented and he replied all four of us ;n;

earlier on in spring semester there was a third party event that Tangram was invited to but the organiser was a MESS and tgm wasn’t treated very well??? but honglin was worried that the fans who travelled to the event and didn’t get to see them were upset so he came into the group chat to console them ;;;;;

and I was talking to another fan and she said that even during other events he kept turning around to wave at the fans and acknowledge them and it’s ;;;;;; as someone who has ?? waited in the rain / stood for hours waiting for idols something as simple as a nod or a smile rly warms u up and makes the wind and cold worth it ;;;; and he makes sure to do it all the time ;;;;;;;;;

on his birthday !! his birthday !! when he was in Taiwan and should be resting and enjoying time w his mum and not thinking about us !!!! he still came into the group chat for an hour and talked to us ;;;;;;

and he named all his sort of more well known fans’ IDs, even the ones who weren’t online and sending messages at the time ;;;;; like he rly wasn’t lying when he said he remembers us ;;;;

also fhdjfjfjjf god I’m so spoiled he replied me so many times ?? like there was the times sq thing and the east coast thing ???

and when he said he was training for the next archery competition I was like “o are u shooting recurve or compound this time?” and he was like “o idk if I shot recurve or compound but it’s the one I shot the last time” and I fhdjfjfjfhfb

tangential but 1) my god y’all his form is beautiful my archery heart: exploded

2) his rhotics are so beautiful too my phonology heart: also exploded

also when he was about to leave the gc I was like “huh but u just got here, why are you leaving?” and he sent another voice message “astrofireworks, why are you becoming shameless too, when did I just get here, I’ve clearly been here for a long time already” fhdjfjdjfn fhdjjd

also my GOD He was reading some IDs and summer and lyla were like what about @astrofireworks and I was like fchjfbhjdf y’all it’s ok he’s alr said it in another voice message two months ago in the gc I’m alr so spoiled I ???? rly shouldn’t ask anything else of him or he’s going to hate me

but then he

sent

a whole

nine second message

“hey astrofireworks, I hope one day I can go to New York and maybe... I’ll meet you there, okay?”

and I ??,?? Sobbed

ndjdbfjvcchhxhdhfh

and then Connie went to send him off at the airport in Taiwan the next day and ????? 

I’m not gonna say much because it’s rly conno’s story to tell and I’m not sure how much I’m allowed to say outside the gc but he rly spoils his fans so so so so much ????

anyway bei honglin rly and truly is the sweetest boy on earth we rly don’t deserve him ;;;;; this first week of June truly has been the best week of my cpop stan life and i ????? love mister bei honglin with my entire heart and soul ;;;;;;;;;;;;

[hyhpodcast]

In this episode we check in nearly two months after that "what the hell just happened here?" finale. We're all in different and strange places. While we locate where we've been and where we think we're going, we recap the events of the last few months and offer our own take. Turns out a "two months later" time jump is kinda weird. Writers, take note. 

(Alternate titles: "I Have More to Say," "Other Level Bad," "Ashley Talks About Herself in the Third Person," "More Than Hookers?", "Why Do People Think We Can Explain Shit," "I Am Legitimately Fucked in the Head.") 

iTunes | Direct Download

[hellyeahomeland]

“In Full Flight”: an HYH recap

The most delightful Homeland episode since “Two Minutes” picks up with Mike, Jenna (in a chambray shirt), and Alan in Kabul station, observing drone footage of Carrie, Yevgeny, and crew. Jenna deduces that they’re probably going to Kohat, and she is correct for the first time all season.

Mike asks about an exfiltration team from Islamabad but they won’t be there until later tonight. Saul interrupts their pow-wow to ask what’s going on:

Saul: What is this about grabbing Carrie Mathison? Mike: Oh, hello, sir. Let’s go into my office. Saul: Fuck your office and fuck you, too. What are y’all talking about? Mike: No problem, sir. A special ops team is planning to grab Carrie. You know, because she’s a defector. Saul: FOR FUCK’S SAKE SHE IS NOT A DEFECTOR. Actually she’d be right here telling you that herself if you hadn’t cornered her like an animal three hours ago without telling me. Mike: Actually actually she was supposed to be back in America like a week ago but then she broke custody and started her adventure with a GRU officer. Now they’re out there doing God knows what. Sir.  Saul: I’ll tell you what they’re doing. They’re finding the flight recorder. Mike: What’s a flight recorder? Saul: I can’t believe I’m still having this conversation with you. Do any of y’all have brains or critical thinking skills? Mike: By the way, sir, you’ve been called back to DC. Saul: Fuck my whole life. Fuck all of you too.

Carrie and Yevgeny are very much on their way to Kohat. It’s been just a few hours since Carrie turned her back on Saul and her loaded expression as she stares out the window is very much “questioning all my past life decisions.” That could take a while, Carrie!

Carrie and Yevgeny arrive in Kohat and begin driving under a series of … I have no idea what they are, basically overhangs in the street so you can’t tell where their car is. It’s very “From A to B and Back Again” when Quinn lost Haqqani in the classic baseball stadium game “Which hat is the ball under?” trick. The team in Kabul is annoyed and prepares for a grid search.

Carrie & Co. are checking into a hotel for the night. Yevgeny makes a very obvious performance of leading Carrie to her room and what ensues is the most sexually tense scene on this show… ever. First he offers her some Ambien and Carrie cracks a joke for the first time in eight years and says she could open up a pharmacy of her own.

She apologizes for not telling him about the flight recorder sooner. At first it was all personal, she needed to find Max, she couldn’t focus on anything else. Yevgeny asks what she thinks actually happened to the presidents’ helicopter, since she certainly doesn’t believe Jalal was involved. She thinks it was probably just a freak accident: pilot error, mechanical failures, shitty weather, any or all of the above. Then she reveals that detail from the fifth episode, that the Black Hawk fleet has had a series of mechanical issues. Oh, I should add that this conversation all takes place in the doorway of Carrie’s hotel room and every fifteen seconds or so Carrie and/or Yevgeny glance back toward the bed. You can cut the sexual tension with a knife.

Yevgeny asks if there are any more secrets she’s been keeping from him. She smiles, pauses… it’s the most interesting moment. Then she says very quietly, “I think I’m fresh out of secrets.” They stare at each other for a long time, Yevgeny probably wondering if Carrie is going to invite him in and Carrie probably wondering if Yevgeny can take a fucking hint. Finally, I exhale, and Yevgeny says to just “bang on the wall” if Carrie needs anything, which at least elicits a laugh.

Elsewhere in Pakistan, a Pakistani military officer named Aziz has come to see Bunny to ask just where the fuck Tasneem is. Aziz is pissed because Tasneem was supposed to control the Taliban—first Haissam, then Jalal—and her “incompetence” has led to the Americans threatening to invade. Bunny is the opposite of worried. The Americans are all talk, no bite. They won’t actually invade Pakistan for failing to produce a man they claim they can’t find. I guess he hasn’t met John Zabel. Anyway, he says Tasneem is off to find Jalal somewhere in the mountains.

Instead, she actually meets (Haissam) Haqqani’s right-hand. She is beyond pissed that he just let Jalal control the shura last week. This is all so fucked. He doesn’t have much of a response, beyond, “well, he was the emir’s son, so I guess so?” He offers to take Tasneem to Jalal but only if she puts a hood over her head and lemme tell ya, Tasneem is none too pleased about that either!

It’s the next morning in Kohat and Carrie and Yevgeny really are going shopping, just like the logline said. They’re winding their way through the bazaars on the street but still no luck finding this flight recorder. Enter A Kid. He’s all “pardon me, excuse me,” and Yevgeny puts on his best Dad Hat and tells him to get lost. It’s very touching. Then he says he knows what they’re looking for, which is enough to get their attention.

He takes them to a shop where Mr. Shop Owner #1 is like, “Hi, do you like flight recorders? Because I’ve got lots!” Unfortunately he doesn’t have the one they’re looking for and he also seems pretty skittish because a) what the hell are a Russian and an American doing together? and b) is this official government business or something private or, like… just generally what the hell?

Saul has arrived back to DC and meets Hayes in the Oval Office with our favorite Odd Couple, Linus and Zabel (this should really be the name of a sitcom). Saul passively aggressively says he knows of Zabel “by reputation.” Aside from that jab, the meeting unfortunately goes from meh to ugh to wtf for Saul. He has to play bad cop and tell Hayes that the video of Jalal is unvetted intelligence, completely lacking in context, and probably just a straight-up lie. Hayes has the expression of someone who’s never followed Thought A to Thought B—which is true, obviously—and Zabel has to jump in to say of course POTUS has already done the Thought A to Thought B exercise, he just arrived at a different conclusion. You know, mine! The best part of all THIS is that as Saul grows increasingly incredulous at the conversation, Linus sits there, silently, looking like he’d like to be swallowed up by an alligator. Afterward:

Saul: Wow a bit of warning would have been helpful. Or maybe just an assist there, Linus. Linus: I didn’t even know you were coming back. I’m outside the ~information flow~ Saul: God, we’re so fucked. Linus: I wish I’d get swallowed by an alligator.

Back in Kohat, Carrie has entered another shop, this time sans Yevgeny. This one proves a bit more fruitful. She actually finds Max’s rucksack, which means that flight recorder had to have been here recently. Mr. Shop Owner #2 feigns ignorance, but Carrie is relentless.

Yevgeny enters all of a sudden to let her know that that special ops team from Islamabad is here, so they need to get out of there, pronto. He leaves quickly to lose the tail and instructs her to go back to the hotel and wait. His absence gives her the perfect opportunity to keep grilling Mr. Shop Owner #2, whom I actually love and seems really sweet. Poor guy is just no match for Carrie. He finally reveals the flight recorder was there but he sold it to a broker he works with. Carrie offers him a lot of money to find the broker and get the flight recorder back there for a trade at midnight.

Tasneem gets the black hood off her head in exchange for an audience with Jalal, but homie remains pissed. Jalal is sort of confused at her reaction. A few episodes ago she was plotting to put Jalal in the place he’s currently in. What changed? Well, for starters, now the Americans are threatening to invade Pakistan. She says he’s got to go to ground, but he refuses to run.

Jalal: Who do you think I am? Tasneem: You’re the loser whom I picked up on the side of the road. I bandaged your feet and listened to you crying about your daddy issues for hours. Jalal: You think that you control us. Actually it’s the other way around.

He leads her up to a rooftop where hundreds of Taliban fighters have gathered. He says the last time the ISI got in the way, they killed a thousand of their officers on the street. And now they’re twice as strong, so you do the math. Tasneem has a general “oh fuck” expression on her face and… same.

In Kohat, Yevgeny finally shows back up in Carrie’s hotel room. He reveals that eight men are hunting her and they need to leave, now. She says they can’t, as they haven’t found the flight recorder yet. Of course we know Carrie has found it—and in hindsight, at this point Yevgeny probably does as well—but she needs to stick around a few more hours to make the trade. For a split second you think maybe Carrie is going to preoccupy Yevgeny for a few hours in her bedroom but instead she calls Jenna.

Carrie: Hey, how’s it going? Jenna: OH MY GOD I STILL HATE YOU. Carrie: Chill for a second. Also I know you’re walking toward Mike and do yourself a favor and pause and just listen to me. Jenna: Ugh, fine, I’m listening. Carrie: I need you to give up the location of the exfil team that’s looking for me. Jenna: Are you high? Carrie: I am not, but you are if you think this will end up any other way than me convincing you. Jenna: You’re putting me in an impossible position. Carrie: You must do this. I compel you. Jenna: If I give up their location, you’ll turn yourself in there? Carrie: “Sure.” Jenna: Ok I’ll call you back.

This entire conversation transpires with Yevgeny sitting on the sofa in Carrie’s hotel room, legs crossed. It’s… I’ll be honest, it’s hot. When Carrie hangs up he applauds her performance and says she was clever and convincing. That’s right, Carrie played Jenna… again. Again! Again again again!

Carrie is kinda down on selling out her own people but Yevgeny says she did it for all the right reasons and in any case, the local police will only hold them for a day (uhhhh yeah right). He starts to compliment her strong instincts. He really respects her for that.

“Why, how do you do it?” Carrie asks.

“Me? I am more of a planner,” Yevgeny answers.

The alarm bells start ringing in her head and Carrie asks him all speaking of which whether he arranged for them to “run into each other” outside G’ulom’s office way back in the season premiere (show time: 10 days???). Before he can answer, Jenna rings back and tells Carrie the safe house location. Carrie says “you did the right thing” and the amount of self-disgust in her expression for this just being too fucking easy is … significant.

A few minutes later, Mike is on the phone with one of the special ops team members in the Kohat safe house. Local police have surrounded the building. Exasperated, Mike tells them to stand down. One by one, they file out and are led into custody. Jenna watches in horror and the amount of self-disgust in her expression for this just being her life is… also significant.

In Rawalpindi, Tasneem is at Bunny’s house and freaking out. Jalal has consolidated power extremely quickly. She’s concerned, but Bunny says they just need to take him out, root and branch. Bunny is offended by the prospect of being ordered around by a smarmy teenager but Tasneem thinks they need to protect him. If Pakistan protects Jalal, they’ll protect themselves too. And they need to respond to the Americans not with concessions but with threats just as strong. Remember when they were three minutes away from a generation-defining peace agreement?

Back in her hotel room, Carrie is growing restless. She decides to get some fresh air and by that I mean she jumps out the window to get the show on the fucking road. On the way she calls Saul, to whom she is apparently still speaking. She asks if their protocols for transferring money over the dark web are still a go and he says yes. She says she’s got a lead on the black box and he promises to arrange the funds ASAP.  

Carrie winds up back at Mr. Shop Owner #2’s shop. Mr. Shop Owner #1 is there, too! Plus the broker. They do a little thing, Carrie says she won’t pay any more than $999,999, she is very In Charge and it’s pretty great to see. Not that we needed any more convincing, but the kind of instincts and improvisation Yevgeny admired just a few hours earlier are on full display here. She knows exactly what to say, when to say it, and how to say it. It’s breathtaking.

What’s also breathtaking is Carrie doing something correctly with a computer. Apparently the black box just hooks up to her Macbook with a USB-C cord… whoulda thunk?! After pulling a gun on Mr. Broker and telling him to beat it, she starts listening to the cockpit recording.

Then Yevgeny arrives! She starts to apologize but he stops her—he just wants to listen. They each share an earbud like goddamn Jim and Pam and continue listening. Turns out, Carrie was right. No one shot down that helicopter. A freak mechanical malfunction, “brace for impact,” etc. “Fucking helicopters,” Yevgeny says.

Carrie attempts a segue and says, “So… what now?” She wants to get this to the embassy in Islamabad. He wants to do the opposite of that. Then Carrie starts on him. Maybe he’s not such a bad guy after all. Maybe he’s actually… good.

Carrie: Plus, I’d owe you a favor. Yevgeny: Carrie, if I drop you off at the embassy I’ll literally never see you again. Carrie: Not true. I won’t betray my country, but I’d still move to Scottsdale with you. Yevgeny: I still don’t believe you. Carrie: Why not? You’ve already helped me a ton, and it’s cost you nothing! There has to be a way where we can make a “mutually beneficial arrangement.” Yevgeny: Is that what they’re calling it these days? Carrie: What? Yevgeny: What? Carrie: …anyhow, aren’t you sick of all this bullshit? Shitty bosses, shitty politicians, clearly the current way of business isn’t working for us. We could do better. You and me. We could chart something new here. You and me. God, we’re already halfway there! Yevgeny: Our own private network, huh? That would be nice, but it’s a pipe dream. Also, I like what you’re saying, but you still lied to me. Carrie: Technically, I just withheld the truth. Which is exactly what you did to me. Yevgeny: Heh? Carrie: The asylum, Yevgeny. What actually happened? We just took long walks in the woods and shared our life stories and you just happened to be the there the day I tried to hang myself? Give me a fucking break.

She moves closer and mentions the whole “picking up where we left off” thing. Well, will he or won’t he? Because she’s already decided.

There is a long pause and then they start making out. It’s exactly what you’d expect it would be, by which I mean it’s really hot! The scene is fraught with the unknown. How much are they playing each other? How much are they being genuine? Like Carrie says, they’re living in the grey areas. And who’s the first to blink?

Evidently it’s Carrie. After a few moments she breaks away and says they need to wait until after Islamabad. “Ok,” he says quietly. She tries to kiss him again, but he pulls ever so slightly away.

She hops off the table and begins to pack up the flight recorder. At that moment, he stabs her in the neck from behind with a tranquilizer. “Sorry, baby,” he says as she falls unconscious.

In DC, Saul is waiting anxiously by the phone. It rings. It’s not Carrie, but Linus. Everyone’s in the situation room, there’s some sort of activity in one of Pakistan’s nuclear facilities. Saul’s day goes from bad to worse.

In the situation room, resident hottie Scott Ryan is giving a PowerPoint presentation about said activity. Hayes is trying to understand literally anything that’s happening. Zabel explains that Pakistan only has the nukes in the first place to defend against a possible invasion from India. They’ll never actually use them. Saul growls that that’s because India isn’t fucking stupid enough to invade Pakistan. Hayes is beginning to understand the whole concept of “consequences” but before his mind can dwell on that for too long, he decides to just up the ante. More troops, more preparations for war, more of the same.

Saul’s day is not possibly as bad as Carrie’s has wound up. Yevgeny carries her, still unconscious, back into the hotel room. He places her gingerly on the bed and then kisses her forehead. He shuts off the lights as the camera moves in slowly on her her peacefully sleeping face.

[hellyeahomeland]

“Designated Driver”: an HYH recap

Disappointingly, this episode doesn’t pick up in Carrie’s hotel room after Yevgeny kissed her goodnight. It is the next morning, and she’s speed-walking down a street in Kohat. Her good buddy Arman, whom we met in the premiere, has driven all the way from Kabul to pick her up.

She races into his truck and starts frantically writing on the first piece of paper she can find. It is a real treat to see Claire Danes’ actual handwriting! ...Wait, none of you care about that?

Anyway, Arman is like, hello wtf?? Carrie explains it’s something she heard, evidence actually, and she needs to write it down before she forgets. That’s right, Carrie fucking Mathison was DRUGGED and woke up the next morning and still could recall the crucial climactic ten seconds of that cockpit recording even though right after she shared a steamy kiss with Yevgeny. She is brilliant, and we have no choice but to continue to stan. She asks Arman to drive her to Bagram Airfield back in Afghanistan, and off they go.

In the White House, Hayes, Linus, and Zabel are meeting with the Pakistani ambassador about the rapidly escalating situation on the border. Hayes is his typical uninformed self, Zabel is his typical racist warmonger self, and Linus is his typical silent “have I been swallowed whole by an alligator yet?” self. It’s all very… depressing, to be honest. The ambassador says they’ll defend themselves with all they have if the Americans invade.

Outside the Oval, the ambassador is verging on speechless. Linus says they have to be the grown-ups in the room but suggests that maybe as a show of good faith, they could get that special ops team released from Kohat. Remember? The one that Carrie tricked Jenna into giving up last week. Linus says they are thisclose to oblivion, and I have heartburn.

Back in Pakistan, Jalal is overjoyed that the government is protecting him. Balach, his father’s closest advisor, is like “coolio dude, congrats.” Jalal asks for some advice and Balach says he should gather men and weapons and lay low. Once again, Jalal is offended at the suggestion of hiding. Instead, he asks Balach to find a target (i.e., Americans) for them to attack. Balach refuses—he’s not afraid to fight, in fact he’s been doing it as long as Jalal has been alive. But he’s also not stupid, which Jalal most certainly is. And if this show has told us anything this year, it’s that the dumbest people in the room are the most dangerous.

A few hours later (but really, what is time?) Carrie arrives at Bagram Airfield, which is apparently like an open-air farmer’s market because she just walks right in, no issue. She finds Worley. Man, this episode is making us remember! He’s the mechanic from “Chalk Two Down” who had the pregnant girlfriend and whom Carrie initially suspected of being involved in the helicopter crash. She brings him her rough transcript and asks him to translate. He’s the third person after Saul who seems to give a shit about the flight recorder but confirms what it sounded like last week: the crash was an accident. Fluke mechanical failure due to metal in the engine oil. Carrie asks why they didn’t call in to tell someone what was happening. He answers: “Aviate, navigate, communicate. They never got past step one.”

Then Carrie finally rings Saul.

Saul: Thank God, I’ve been worried sick. Carrie: It was an accident, Saul. Mechanical failure. I’m at Bagram and they just confirmed it. Saul: Jesus. We need to get you and that flight recorder back to DC ASAP. Carrie: Oh, right… I don’t have it. Yevgeny stole it from me. Saul: What’s this transcript then? Carrie: I just Rain Man’d that shit.  Saul: First, I love you. But second, we have nothing. Carrie: You are getting on my last nerve. I’ve risked my sanity, my life, and my reputation for the truth on this fucking flight recorder. I heard it. The Russians have it. These are fucking facts. Don’t tell me that’s nothing. Saul: You have zero credibility, Carrie. You’re somewhere between a rogue agent and a national security threat. Carrie: Ok, Mr. National Security Advisor. Why don’t you do something? Talk to the Russians and figure out their endgame. I’m so fucking tired. Saul: Fine. You should probably turn yourse— Carrie: [click]

At Kabul station, Mike Dunne continues to be the most annoying person alive. He whines to Jenna about Carrie showing up at Bagram, and Carrie shooting down the helicopter, Carrie giving up the special ops team last week, Carrie this, Carrie that. He’s obsessed with Carrie is my point. Jenna tries very hard to Play It Cool but her anxiety about Carrie returning back to Kabul is palpable. It’s only a matter of time before Carrie starts talking and sells Jenna down the river, too.

The show continues to bring back ALL THE MINOR CHARACTERS. Saul meets with the Russian ambassador from last season, the one who couldn’t make anything happen with Carrie’s release. He tells him about Carrie and Yevgeny and the ambassador is like “they were supposed to stay away from each other! Those crazy kids!” It’s very much two dads meeting to talk about their rebellious teenagers and just what are we gonna do about them? Saul asks for his help locating the flight recorder. He says he’ll see what he can do.

He calls Saul later and tells him the Russians don’t know squat. Which Saul knows is a lie. I mean, they both know it’s a lie. We all know it’s a lie. Saul does his best angry, menacing whisper but the ambassador just says that the Russians have what they want.

In Kabul, Carrie is amping up to go New Car Smell on Yevgeny’s ass. She suspects he’s already back in Moscow devising new ways to fuck her over, but she sneaks into his apartment looking for some evidence or clue as to his whereabouts anyway. Surprisingly, the place is completely empty. Afterward, she and Arman wait out a traffic jam in the truck.

Arman: What next? You always know what to do next. Carrie: Not this time. I’ve dug myself a gigantic hole, but I don’t see a way out. Just a few days ago there was a moment where I actually thought I’d done it. I’d won. Now look at me. God, I’m so fucked.

Suddenly, Carrie is grabbed from the truck by two men with guns and thrown into an abandoned building where Yevgeny enters.

Yevgeny: I’m sorry for the ambush. Carrie: You’ve done way worse things to me. Yevgeny: That wasn’t personal. Carrie: Fuck you, it’s always personal. Anyway, you took something from me and I want it back. What’s the price? Yevgeny: Saul asked the same thing. For him, it’s not for sale. For you, I could make a deal. Carrie: Please be less cryptic. Yevgeny: Saul’s been running an agent in the Kremlin for years. Find that agent, and I’ll give you the flight recorder. It’s the only thing worth more to my country than the US self-destructing in Pakistan. Carrie: That person doesn’t exist. Believe me, after all these years, I’d know. Saul probably just made up the story to get you all paranoid. Looks like it worked. Yevgeny: No, he exists. It’s the only explanation. Carrie: Look, even if this person existed, Saul would never give them up. It’s his first and only commandment. You never give up an asset. Yevgeny: I never said it would be easy. Carrie: It’s not that it’s not easy. It’s impossible. I’ll do anything else, but I can’t betray Saul. Yevgeny: Based on recent events, I’d say you can do just about anything.

Back at Jalal’s base, Balach says he’s found a target. He asks Jalal for some men to place an IED. Jalal wants a driver instead. That would make a statement: that they’re not afraid to die. Once again Balach worns that they’re inviting more endless war, but Jalal won’t hear it. He orders Balach to prepare the car, and he’ll find the driver.

In Kabul, Carrie and Arman are parked outside the CIA station. Saul calls Carrie again. He shares the dead end with the ambassador and asks Carrie why the Russians would lie about it. She’s silent and then lies about the meeting with Yevgeny. “I found it, Saul. The truth,” she says. But the truth isn’t much use if no one will listen.

Arman tries to dissuade her from turning herself in. He can get her to Dubai and she can hide out. But she knows that’ll only delay the inevitable, and things are about to get much, much worse. Arman senses a shift—just a few hours ago it was Bagram this, Yevgeny that. Now she seems resigned to her fate. He asks what happened with those two men. “They made me an offer, knowing I’d have to accept.” She thanks him and tearfully hugs him goodbye.

She steps out of the truck then and spots two girls playing in the street. It’s an interesting moment: is she thinking of Franny? Or herself, that fearless little girl Maggie recalled last season? We can’t know for certain, only that she ditches her phone and walks straight  up to the gate at the station and turns herself in: “I’m Carrie Mathison. I’m wanted by the FBI. I’m turning myself in.”

Inside the station, a guilty Jenna has convinced Mike to let her supervise the handover of the special ops team at the border. Then Alan reveals that Carrie just turned herself in. There’s an extended sequence in which

Jenna looks like she’s about to throw up

Mike looks practically giddy at the recent development

Carrie looks like she wants to strangle every single useless person in the building

Balach is overseeing the assembly of the car bomb and notices that Jalal is sharing some food with his two young sons. He asks what the hell is going on and then Jalal tells him that he’s found the driver for the attack: him. Balach refuses.

Jalal: Fine, I’ll just kill your wife and sons anyway. Then I’ll kill you. It’s what my father would have done. Balach: Don’t hurt them. Jalal: They’re the family of a coward who wouldn’t agree with all of my dumb ideas! Balach: I can’t believe how completely terrible you are. Jalal: Look at it this way: you can drive this car and die a martyr. Then your family will be treated with honor. Or you can refuse and you’ll all die. Balach: Give me your word that they’ll be taken care of.

Jalal just nods.

In Interrogation Room #1, Jenna enters to give Carrie some water but it’s Jenna so she’s not able to hide her true motives for long.

Carrie: This little dance we’ve been doing all season has been amusing but it pays off now. Jenna: What? Also what the hell are you doing here? Carrie: I’m turning myself in. Jenna: Why now? By the way, the special ops team that you tricked me into giving up is being freed. Remember them? All that bullshit about a flight recorder— Carrie: It wasn’t bullshit. Jenna: Everything that comes out of your mouth is bullshit. Carrie: Just say what you came in here to say. Jenna: Are you going to give me up? Because I was dumb enough to trust you? Carrie: No. Jenna: How can I know you won’t? Carrie: I thought we already went over this. You can’t know anything for sure. If you’re looking for guarantees, you’re really in the wrong line of work. But I just promised you. Your bosses here will never know you were involved, and that’ll have to be good enough. Jenna: I lovehate you. You still put me in a terrible position. Carrie: Maybe I did. But in my own fucked up way I ended up teaching you a lesson. On the other hand, I have actual problems. And if this is the guiltiest you ever feel, consider yourself lucky. Now go, before the FBI catches you talking to a ~Russian spy~.

Vanessa Kroll—remember her, she’s the I Mean Business FBI investigator from “Two Minutes”—steps into the interrogation room for her turn. Jenna and Mike observe from behind the one-way mirror. She begins to lay out the facts in front of Carrie. Well, I should say “facts.” They’re really just statements about Carrie’s behavior, as told from another vantage point, that make her look really guilty. Carrie plays at the improbability of it all. Carrie singlehandedly convinced Beau Bridges to come to Kabul, then passed off the info to the Russians who passed it off to the Taliban who just happened to be waiting with an RPG.

Carrie is in deep shit and she knows it, but she is remarkably articulate and reminds everyone that she doesn’t fucking work for them and she can talk or engage with anyone she fucking pleases to, thankyouverymuch.

Vanessa: Not when you’re providing aid and comfort to the enemy. Carrie: If you’re talking about Yevgeny Gromov, it’s more like he provided aid and comfort to me. Sara: 😏 Carrie: Anyway, I want a lawyer. Vanessa: Fine, then you’re under arrest. Carrie: Peachy.

In the next room, Jenna is maximum confused. It’s almost like Carrie wanted to be arrested, which obviously begs the question of what she has planned when she gets back to America. Mike continues to possess a quarter of a brain cell and is all, weren’t you going to the border or something or other?

In Saul’s office, Linus gives him the lay of the land. Carrie has just invoked Saul in her defense, and he’s now on a fast track to the same amount of credibility that Carrie herself has: that is to say, zero. They bought some time with the release of that ops team but continuing to give Carrie cover is really bad optics. Saul reveals the whole deal with the flight recorder. Then he admits it’s pretty much all his fault. He was there when she was returned back from the Russians. She didn’t even recognize him. And he took her out of treatment when he knew she wasn’t ready, because there was a job to do and he asked nicely. He can’t turn his back on her now.

The episode closes with an incredibly-edited sequence. While Carrie is escorted out of Kabul station in handcuffs, Jenna arrives at the border where no one knows why she’s there or seems to give a shit.

Meanwhile, Balach approaches in the car and records a video for his wife, soon to be a widow. He’s going to die and he’s been preparing for that reality his whole life. He asks her to forgive him and to make sure that Jalal keeps his word about protecting them, lest he meet the fate of a vengeful God.

Carrie and Vanessa board an airplane headed back for Washington. Carrie struggles with her seatbelt before the zip ties around her wrists are removed. The bus with the special ops team pulls up to the border and the crew sits inside, waiting for the go-ahead. Balach readies the bomb. Carrie’s plane taxis, she exchanges looks with Vanessa. Everything gets very quiet. 

Then Balach starts driving.

He speeds toward the border as soldiers scatter. Someone grabs Jenna and she ducks behind another vehicle. The team in the bus stare out the window. “Move the fucking bus!” they yell. They are sitting ducks as Balach heads straight toward them. The soldiers on the ground fire rounds and rounds at Balach, missing each time. The driver of the bus hurries out, saves himself. Everyone stares as they prepare for the inevitable. Balach screams, moments away from oblivion. His crying sons flash through his mind. He’s doing this for them, remember? He’s giving himself up for them. Then: a crash, an explosion, a flash of white.

Carrie’s plane lifts off. There’s a look of resolve in her eyes as she stares out the window at this place. This place where she fled to escape her grief, so many years ago. This place where, more recently, she fled to escape her trauma. Now she’s leaving and never coming back. Is she a martyr, too? Has she given herself up, for her family, for Saul? Or is it the reverse? Is she about to give them up? She’s exploded her life, in her own way. I would rather you say I was dead. Darkness.

[hellyeahomeland]

“The English Teacher”: an HYH recap

This mindfuck of an episode picks up about a day or so after last week’s episode. Carrie is being held in a “subbasement” (a basement in the basement?) at Langley and has started to disassociate a bit. I would too! This reality is fucked!

Anyway, a nice lawyer man comes to retrieve her and does a bit of plot exposition:

Saul hired him to represent Carrie at the preliminary hearing.

Saul arranged for Carrie’s release and also paid the bond.

Saul is letting Carrie stay at his house!

Basically Saul is being the coolest he’s been re: Carrie in like seven years.

There was a car bomb at the Afghan/Pakistani border that killed a whole special ops crew and injured one CIA officer named Jenna Bragg, who was sent back to the US out of an abundance of caution. Oh, and Jenna was called to testify against Carrie at the hearing.

Don’t fucking talk to anyone until the hearing, especially not a specific person who’s meant to testify against you, capiche?

In the West Wing, things are messy as hell. Evil Spawn John Zabel is arguing that Pakistan was behind the suicide bomb and that’s yet another reason to invade. Saul argues it was just Haqqani; after all Pakistan lost some guys too. Zabel is all, “IT’S THEIR FUCKING COUNTRY” and says Linus should resign. Mandy starts swearing at Hugh Saul starts swearing at Zabel, he’s really fucking mad. Linus envisions new ways to get swallowed whole. Maybe dinosaurs will come back from extinction? It’s just a massive screaming match—actually very entertaining—and Saul’s big solution is “backchannel talks,” and Zabel’s brain nearly short circuits at the suggestion of diplomacy instead of military invasion. Hayes just looks like he’d rather be literally any fucking place doing any fucking thing except this.

Carrie is settling into Saul’s very lovely DC home when Saul arrives, worn and weary from his no good very bad day. Although it can’t possibly have been worse than Carrie’s, which is saying something. Carrie makes her first move, pokes around a bit about the Russian asset. Saul flatly denies it, then pours himself a drink (same). He eyes a bookcase full of old, leather-bound red books and then—

It’s 1986 in East Berlin. A young Saul, played by BEN SAVAGE (that’s right, it’s CORY MATTHEWS), who does bear a striking resemblance to Mandy Patinkin, walks into a bookstore and picks up one of those same, old red books from the display. He heads into the back of the store and then a young woman enters and cocks a pistol in his direction. He brings his hands up in surrender.

The next day at Walter Reed Hospital, Carrie defies all good legal advice and pays a visit to Jenna, who’s being discharged.

Jenna: OH MY FUCKING GOD, LOSE MY NUMBER. Carrie: Ok I know you’re furious with me, just know you join a very large and enthusiastic club on that front. But please listen to me. Jenna: Furious? Dude, that special ops crew is all dead. That’s on you. Carrie: It’s horrible, I know. But a suicide bomber did that. Not me, and not you. Jenna: You’re delusional. Carrie: You join another very large and enthusiastic club in that position, but just hear me out! You have nothing to do for the next two minutes while you wait for your Uber. Jenna: Not if I speed walk! Carrie: I found the black box. Do you even care what was on it? Probs not, but I’ll just keep talking. The president’s helicopter was not shot down! It was mechanical failure. Jenna: Hm… that is interesting. So where is it now? Carrie: That hot Russian guy stole it from me. Jenna: OH MY FUCKING GOD YOU ARE A MESS. Carrie: I just need a few days to get it back. I know you’re supposed to testify and I truly don’t give two fucks what you say to them, but if you could just wait a week that would be awesome. Jenna: Well, what’s your plan? Carrie: They offered me a trade. But I can’t really say much more than that. Jenna: What is with you spies and your secrets? Carrie: Ok fine. Saul has an asset high up in the Kremlin. I need to find out who it is. Jenna:  Good fucking luck getting onto a Langley computer. Not that you’d know how to use it. Carrie: [loaded silence] Jenna: OH MY GOD. I’m tattling to Saul.

And Jenna does book it straight to Saul’s office but has to wait a bit because Saul’s on the phone with Tasneem, who is in New York City at the UN and remains maximum pissed. From the time her plane took off to when it landed the US moved more troops right along their border. Saul says some things about how everyone in the US is crazy and it’s  all very ~prescient~ but he thinks if they can just take out Jalal, Hayes and Zabel might back down. Tasneem once again claims they have no idea where he is. Saul asks for a target, any plausible coordinates. Tasneem agrees.

Enter Jenna. She is very prepared to expose just how big of a crazy person Carrie is when Saul is like, “hold up, little lady, it’s all true.” He’s taking this “back up Carrie at all costs” thing to a whole new level. He says that, no matter her mistakes, Carrie never loses sight of the bigger picture. Everything she does is in service of that. The tribunal will attempt to get Jenna to contribute to whatever bullshit charges they come up with, but Jenna needs to do like Carrie: decide what matters. Decide what kind of person she is.

Later, Carrie is at the arraignment, and the judge starts listing off charges. It’s pretty bad. Treason, accessory to murder, etc. She starts to have a tiny panic attack in the courtroom and thankfully holds her vomit for the restroom. There, she’s approached by a prim-looking woman named Charlotte Benson, “a friend of Yevgeny’s.” (Eagle-eyed viewers will recognize her from last season with Ivan.) Carrie’s like, “fuck that guy and fuck you too” but Charlotte is unfazed, hands her her card, and says they have resources. All you have to do is call.

In the simultaneously most and least surprising event of the season, at the tribunal, Jenna decides what type of person she is and it’s the type with a mind of her own. She gets about four seconds into the thing before she bolts. 

At the White House, Zabel reveals that—whadya know!—the Pakistanis did know where Jalal was. At least, they said they do. They just provided coordinates and everyone’s in the situation room waiting to pull the trigger. Saul hurries down and watches as they bomb the entire compound. “Fuck yeah!” Hayes exclaims as everyone applauds, definitely 100% sure they just killed Jalal. Saul makes a beeline for the exit and tells Linus he’s going to New York.

Later, Jenna is waiting for Carrie at Saul’s with a folder full of information. It’s about the exfiltration that Carrie mentioned that went south. The man attended a KGB language school but he spooked and Saul had to get him out quickly. Minefields and shit. He’s been in Pennsylvania in Witness Protection ever since. So he can’t be Saul’s asset but maybe he knows who is.

Jenna: You sure you want to betray Saul? Carrie: I’m 100% sure I want to do the opposite of that, but I have no choice.  Jenna: You’re right, I guess. But I’m done with all this shit. Carrie: “Done”? Never heard of it.   Jenna: I’m through with this, the CIA, all of it. Carrie: Wait, so you finally used your brain and that’s the decision you came to? You don’t have the thrill of having figured something out? You don’t feel a physical and emotional high? Jenna: Uh no?? I feel sick to my stomach about the special ops team. That comes down on me. And whoever this asset is will be tortured too. That’s my big picture. I’ve tried to see it your way, but I can’t. I just don’t believe it anymore. Carrie: Believe what? Jenna/Quinn’s ghost: That anything justifies the damage we do.

Carrie ruminates on that for about 2.4 seconds before she’s on to the next thing, which is a road trip to Pennsylvania. She arrives in her librarian cosplay, hair in a ponytail, eyeglasses, the whole shebang. She’s at the house of Saul’s old asset, the one who’s in Witness Protection. She introduces herself as Heather Frith (great fake name) and says she works as an archiver for the CIA’s Chief Historian, which is a job just fake-sounding enough to probably be real. She wants details about what happened with his exfiltration, details that aren’t in the file. He is suspicious at first, but she calls his bluff, and he takes her out to his garage to relive the story.

He describes Saul then as something of a hero. He had everything in the exfiltration down like clockwork. When one of the mines exploded, he literally carried him over the border. Carrie asks what happened to the rest of the cadets in his class, and he says they were all killed for failing to prevent his defection. She spots a woman in an old photograph then. He didn’t know her name, she just went by Comrade Instructor. She was their English teacher. Then Carrie eyes an old red book. He explains it was their method for arranging a meeting. You move the book from the right to the left side of the display window. “Very Saul. He liked the old ways. Things hidden in plain sight.”

…Which makes for a nice segue to New York City. Saul’s at UN headquarters, where Pakistan has requested a vote against the US for being general dicks and warmongers. Saul then pulls a Quinn in “Q&A” (or maybe a Carrie in “Tin Man Is Down”) and makes a huge scene at the meeting, screaming at the Russian delegation about the flight recorder. An older blonde woman translates for the delegation as he shouts. Resident hottie Scott Ryan escorts Saul out and the Russians have a powwow within earshot of said woman. What was all that about a flight recorder? One of them says Yevgeny Gromov is running an operation and leaves it at that. Cue that woman later in a rare bookstore. She eyes another of those old red leather-bound editions.

We flashback again to 1986. That woman in the bookstore is the woman holding Saul at gunpoint. She is the English teacher at the language school. She is disgusted at what happened to her students—put up against a wall and shot—and wants to take the place of Saul’s asset. Saul feigns ignorance and says she must be confusing him with someone else.

The next five minutes are a masterpiece. Back at Saul’s house in present day, Carrie finally takes an interest in his unique collection of old red books. She flips through them and notes that each has a date on the inside front cover. 11.14.2009. 3.14.95. 3.5.1987. She lines them up in the living room, by year, next to significant events in the ongoing Russian/American intelligence battle. Chernobyl cover-up in 1986. Gorbachev coup in 1989. Aldrich Ames in 1993. Robert Hanssen in 2000. Crimea in 2014. Active measures in the 2016 election. 

In his NY hotel room, Saul has a book delivery for one Professor Rabinow. Send it right up.

Carrie surveys her makeshift timeline. She picks up the next book, Vanity Fair. The subtitle on the inside reads “A NOVEL WITHOUT A HERO,” in case the audience had any doubts. She picks up another and notices the Russian spelling of “Moscow” on the inside back cover. She begins flipping through others in the timeline looking for the same tag. No, no, no, yes. She smiles that same knowing, exhilarated smile. It really is like a high. She whittles the Moscow books down to just eight now.

Saul gets his package, which is—whoulda thunk?!—an old red book, and takes it into the bathroom. Carrie examines one of the books, flipping through the pages. She checks the back cover—maybe something hidden in the lining?—but no luck.

Saul flips this new book upside down, brings the covers up in a ‘V’ to expose a space on the spine. In his living room, Carrie does the same thing. There it is: an opening, just small enough for a message. Carrie exhales, eyes wide, at the discovery. Delicately Saul retrieves a small piece of paper and holds it up to the light. He reads: “THE PRICE HAS ALREADY BEEN ASKED. IT’S YEVGENY GROMOV’S PLAY.”

A middle-aged Ben Savage playing a young Saul Berenson walks through the streets of Berlin late at night before he’s accosted by some Soviets requesting his papers. They think he’s CIA. He gets a few punches in (yes, Saul!) before running down a dead-end alley. All of a sudden he hears gunshots, braces for injury. But it’s the men who’ve been shot, and by the English teacher Anna. “Do you trust me now?” she says.

In present day, Saul stands silently in his hotel room, contemplating this new knowledge. Carrie’s lied to him about Yevgeny, that much he knows. But what else has she kept from him?

Carrie also has new knowledge, and she’s taking it straight to Yevgeny. Charlotte Benson drives her to a huge, empty mansion to speak with him.

Charlotte: Empty for two years. Owners are asking too much. Carrie: Hey, just like our show!

Charlotte leads her to a room and computer where Yevgeny is waiting on a video conference. Carrie is not at all pleased to see her Russian boyfriend.

She says that the asset exists. Yevgeny is the opposite of enthusiastic. Saul probably recruited her in East Berlin in 1986. She knows how they communicate. “How?” Yevgeny asks. “That’s not how this works,” Carrie replies, trying to maintain the upper hand for as long as possible. Yevgeny asks for a name. Carrie doesn’t have it but can get it if he provides some KGB records. She needs some stuff from the language school, but Yevgeny explains it’s all lost, burned by the “freedom lovers” after the Berlin Wall came down. They’ve gone down this road before, did Carrie really think she was the first to figure out that connection?

Carrie gets frustrated and nearly walks out of the meeting when Yevgeny reminds her of the stakes at play: America and Pakistan on the literal brink of full-scale war.

Yevgeny: Besides, you haven’t done everything you can. Carrie: Meaning what? Yevgeny: Take out Saul. That will neutralize the asset. Carrie: Saul has a legacy plan. If he goes, he has a plan to pass the asset onto someone else. Yevgeny: Yes, exactly. And that someone else is … Carrie: [mind blown] Yevgeny: …you. Carrie: You… you played me. You knew it would come to this. How long have you been planning this? Do you derive extra special pleasure from fucking with me?  Yevgeny: I hoped it wouldn’t come to this, but like you said, you tried everything.

He tells her to do it—to kill Saul. Her eyes fill with tears as she shuts the computer and walks out. The lights go black behind her.

[hellyeahomeland]

“Threnody(s)”: an HYH recap

First things first: a threnody is “a wailing ode, song, hymn, or poem of mourning composed or performed as a memorial to a dead person.” If it clicked far too late for you that the parentheses and ‘s’ meant that more than one person would die this week... welcome to the club.

This soul crusher of an episode opens with Haqqani reading the Quran in his cell. A few guards arrive to get him and he walks, peacefully, slowly, while the other prisoners bang their cups against their cells (a real thing that happens on death row in American prisons). He’s handcuffed to a post in an open-air courtyard as he stares down a lineup of soldiers with rifles, all aiming at him.

Cut to Hayes, Linus, and Hugh Dancy John Zabel in the Oval Office. They have the video that Jalal Haqqani shot of Max last episode. This is now a hostage situation and… look how these dots connect. If G’ulom executes Haqqani, Jalal will execute Max. Hayes pleads with G’ulom to halt the execution, at least until they can retrieve Max. G’ulom agrees, but only for 24 hours.

Saul calls Carrie on the sat phone and she asks for an update. When is special ops coming? He still doesn’t know, but hey! At least now people other than Carrie seem to sort of care about whether Max lives or dies. She says the situation there is “quiet but fucked,” which is a perfect descriptor of most Homeland scenes.

Saul steps into a meeting with the White House to discuss Max’s exfiltration. It’s tough, because there’s no cover and the house they’ve got Max in is completely exposed. Also it’s in Pakistan so that adds another layer of complication. Hayes wants to know the odds. Resident Scott Ryan delivers the not so great, not so bad news: 50/50.

Hayes has a freakout because even when they went to kill bin Laden it was like 80%. But 50%? It doesn’t help that John Zabel is the figurative devil on his shoulder, making arguments like:

We don’t negotiate with terrorists. (Heh? It’s not a negotiation.)

I don’t even know who Max is. (You literally just got here. SIT DOWN, JOHN.)

“The US government can’t be expected to come to the rescue of every adventurer who gets himself in trouble overseas.” (Fuck you, dude.)

If the rescue fails, it’ll sink your presidency. (Your wife Carrie Mathison is gonna come after your ass.)

Elsewhere in the West Wing, Linus is snooping in John’s office and finds a printout of a speech he’s been working on for Hayes, the gist of which is: “Peace in the Middle East? I don’t know her.”

If you’re wondering whether John Zabel was successful in convincing Hayes to leave Max to die, in the very next scene Haqqani is dragged back into the courtyard. Saul is there. Once again they line up, but this time they go through with it. The bullets hit him and he doubles over. Saul watches in horror. Then, miraculously, he inhales sharply, very much not dead. He pulls himself up and stands again. G’ulom orders them to reload as prisoner’s chants of Haqqani’s name reach them. They fire again, and he falls to his knees. The job is done.

Back at the compound, there’s movement. Yevgeny brings Carrie a news report: an image of Haqqani, chest filled with bullets, slumped over. Carrie knows what this means, and then she spots the Taliban soldiers escorting Max out of the house, seemingly to take him to another location. She calls for the crew to get their stuff, they need to follow them and can’t lose track. Then, through the scope of the binoculars, she spots Jalal Haqqani shoot Max in the chest from close range. One two three.

Carrie races down the hillside as the Taliban soldiers all flee in their trucks. She gets to Max, lying on his side, blood in the dirt. She checks his pulse, but the worst has happened—again. She breaks down in sobs as she clutches his body.

In Washington, Linus is furious with John Zabel—who might just be as evil as his beard is tragique. Linus is in disbelief about this “speech” Zabel has written. A speech where he calls for security along the entire Afghan-Pakistani border that will be guarded entirely by the Pakistani military—the military of a country Zabel refers to as “failed and duplicitous.” It’s basically Homeland’s version of Tr*mp saying Mexico will pay for the wall after he called Mexicans criminals and rapists. 

ANYWAY. Zabel spits back that he can’t be as dumb as Linus, who got two presidents killed. And, I mean I did make this point last week, but that doesn’t make Zabel any less evil.

Meanwhile, Saul is overseeing the preparation of Haqqani’s body. Carrie calls him. She’s still sitting next to Max’s body, her face is stained with tears. 

Carrie: Max is dead. Fuck you. Saul: What? Carrie: He’s dead. Fuck you. By the way, thanks for the special ops team. They were really handy. Saul: POTUS wouldn’t move. Carrie: You wouldn’t make him move. You did nothing. You brought him here and it was your responsibility to protect him. That was your fucking job! Not mine. But I still tried, and he’s still dead. Did I say fuck you yet? Because fuck you. And fuck special ops too! Saul: I deserved that. But also, Carrie, you can’t keep running around with Yevgeny in the Pakistani countryside. Even though it brings great joy to Sara.  Carrie: Fuck you, dude. At least Yevgeny gave a shit. Saul: You still have to come in. Carrie: Come and get Max. I’ll still be here. Fuck you, goodbye.

The Taliban are holding a town meeting. Haqqani’s lieutenant says they need to keep on the same path that Haqqani set out for them: peace. He knows that none of them were responsible for the helicopters crashing, so peace really is still possible. Just then, Haqqani and the Taliban Teenagers roll up. That’s right, it’s time for a little power battle. Jalal tells them all that his father is a hero. He wouldn’t die even after they shot him. He says we have to honor him: not by respecting the choice he made for peace, but by emulating him back when he was busting into embassies and murdering people. And also: it was I, Jalal Haqqani, who fired the RPG that brought down the presidents’ helicopters! And we will do the same for any other infidels who stand in our way!

After the meeting, the lieutenant comes over to Jalal and asks for some one-on-one time. He knows that Jalal didn’t shoot down the helicopters and Jalal gaslights him a bit. He also knows that Haqqani didn’t choose Jalal to be his successor, and Jalal gaslights him a little bit more. Jalal offers him some money or poppy fields if he’ll buzz off, but all he wants is peace, his country back. Jalal says they’ll get their country back, but not through peace.

In the Oval Office, Hayes is sitting with the Two Stooges, who both want him to say something wildly different in his address to the nation. Hayes just says, “figure it out,” which is kind of hilarious and that’s when Zabel springs into action. He calls up some woman named Claudette and asks for any dirt she has on this situation. Which now means he’s cosmically linked with Carrie because she was trying to do the same thing last season.

They’ve moved Max’s body inside the house, but Carrie is still sitting there next to him. They’ve removed the bright orange jumpsuit and he’s lying on a small rug, barefoot. Yevgeny wants to know what their next move is. Carrie says she’ll just hang out until special ops comes, then she’ll go back to Kabul with Max. She understands if Yevgeny wants to leave now, before special ops comes, but like the good boyfriend he is, he sits down next to her and asks who this Max guy was anyway.

Carrie’s surprised. She told him everything about her life (!!) but not this? Nope. She goes on: Max was… always there for her. She’s known him forever, and wherever she went, he’d dutifully follow, always by her side. And the reason she never mentioned him is clear now, too. She took him for granted and took advantage of him. And now he’s dead. What a horrifying replay of events. “I’m so sorry, Max,” she sobs. She kneels down next to his body, her hands on his chest, and repeats it, over and over: “I’m so sorry.” Yevgeny comes over to comfort her and she clings to him amid more heaving sobs.

The next day, Hayes has decided on his speech, which—surprise!—is the “cowardly” Linus version, where he just says “let’s do peace.” John Zabel is highly displeased but luckily Claudette has arrived just in time with that dirt he requested. It’s not dirt, but just intel: one of the soldiers at the secret Taliban power struggle meeting last night was actually recording the whole thing. So now they have Jalal on video saying he killed the presidents. Who cares if he’s actually telling the truth!

He races to Hayes to tell him what’s happened and in what language. Hayes is like “fuck, I need a moment,” and that’s when Zabel swoops in with his first draft racist speech and is like, “here ya go!” I’m sorry to say, but this actually seems realistic.

Saul arrives to the base where the special ops team is preparing to retrieve Max (and Carrie). They’re all huddled around a laptop screen opened to Hayes’ speech, which goes something like this:

We got the wrong Haqqani! Oops! Anyway, who’s ready for more war?

The reactions are “Can you believe this shit?” and “Oh, Christ,” which are both extremely relatable!

Linus is once again furious with Zabel.

Linus: What the actual fuck! Zabel: You weren’t here. Actually where were you? Aren’t you the Chief of Staff? Linus: You fucking idiot, we’re on a collision course with a nuclear power. Zabel: Don’t be such a drama queen. Pakistan will back down. Linus: No they won’t, dipshit. Also good job on making Jalal Haqqani a folk hero. He was a nobody 90 seconds ago. You’re pushing us into ANOTHER war that we can’t win. Zabel: See, that’s your problem, bro. You don’t think America can win any war. Anyway, I’m outie. Linus: We’re so fucked.

Saul and the special ops team fly over Carrie and Yevgeny’s location. Carrie tells Yevgeny that she can’t stay out here with him forever, and he’s like, “hmm, are you sure *wink*?” She thanks him and he takes position by his truck with his crew. This is the Carrie/Yevgeny equivalent of dropping someone off at home and waiting until you watch them walk through their front door before leaving.

Saul and the team touch down and retrieve Max’s body. Saul fills Carrie in on the pile of shit that’s happened in the last 48 hours. He hopes she has something to make it less shitty. She reveals she has a lead on the black box but doesn’t elaborate. Saul doesn’t ask any follow-up questions but says they’ll find it together, like old times. She agrees, but asks for no more bullshit about her loyalty, or Mike, or the FBI. She did what she had to do. He promises he’s on her side, but she doesn’t totally believe him.

They’re about to board the helicopter when one of the special ops team members requests to search Carrie. “What?” Carrie says, before realizing she’s surrounded by a special ops team carrying automatic weapons. Saul looks around in disbelief too. Carrie spots plastic cuffs, and it all feels suddenly like a trap. It escalates quickly from there:

Carrie pulls out her gun, quickly backing away, in Yevgeny’s direction. 

Saul tries his best to calm everyone down.

Yevgeny fires his gun to distract them.

Saul pleads with Carrie to come back, it’s all a misunderstanding.

“What, so we can work together?” she spits.

“Yes, I need you.”

“In fucking handcuffs!”

He says he didn’t know. She calls him a liar and runs back toward Yevgeny. Saul, rightfully livid, heads to the helicopter and asks whose genius idea this all was.

Yevgeny, ever the gentleman, opens the car door for Carrie. She turns back and glares at Saul, the perceived betrayal still a stinging wound (on top of everything else), before they drive off. The helicopter lifts off and Saul watches from above as Carrie and Yevgeny speed away. He has a look on his face not too unlike when he left Carrie in Moscow last season (and, come to think of it, this involves a lot of the same people). In the car, Carrie reveals to Yevgeny that she’s also been looking for the flight recorder and that she knows where it is.

Seriously though, something has palpably broken just now, possibly the last shred of trust left between Carrie and Saul. Carrie has been conditioned all season to distrust those who call themselves her friends. Now she’s actually lost her last remaining friend (in the world), bringing a devastating new literal meaning to the phrase “nothing left to lose.” That Carrie could so quickly get to a spot where her handgun is out and she’s ten seconds from Yevgeny’s car says a lot about the distrust and fear just simmering below the surface. That she didn’t hesitate to suspect Saul was in on it reveals just how broken and filled with resentment their relationship now is. And that Saul actually was on her side makes the end result that much more tragic.

[hellyeahomeland]

“Two Minutes”: an  HYH recap

The episode opens as Carrie takes a we-should-really-retire-this-phrase-but “whore’s bath” in what has to be the most poorly lit bathroom in the history of the universe. For some unknown reason she’s watching the news, which is definitely a thing one should do in a crisis to relieve stress. Side note but throughout the show’s entire run they’ve had a fake cable news station called CNB and I appreciate that it’s stuck it out in this imaginary universe for as long as we have.

Somewhere in the Korengal, Max is very sweaty and very tired and—surprise!—still carrying around that flight recorder in his backpack like a hero. The Taliban soldier stops their mountainside trek for a bit to pee. Max sees a plane (or drone?) flying overhead and begins shouting and runs off. A scuffle ensues, Max kicks him flat on his back. We are surprised Max has it in him but, again, hero. All this comes to a gasp-inducing end when the Taliban shoulder shoots Max from behind in the shoulder, the place where everyone on this show ends up getting shot (literally, left shoulder, what is it with this??). He falls to the ground with a thud.

Back at the White House, HIOHHP steps into the Oval Office to give a short address. Linus touches every inch of his face while he looks on.

HIOHHP: Good evening, America. In the words of Shaggy, it wasn’t me.

It’s over after about 20 seconds and HIOHHP and Linus get the fuck outta there and head into the situation room and everyone gets up when he enters and blah blah blah. They’re having technical difficulties connecting to Kabul station, which I take it is something that happens quite frequently at the CIA.

In Kabul station, Carrie asks Saul—for what is probably the eleventy hundredth time—where is Max and is he alive and who is looking for him?? Carrie has no concept of making herself less annoying while everyone is still wondering why the heck she’s stuck around in Kabul this long but THAT IS WHY WE LOVE CARRIE.

Carrie goes and finds another person to annoy, this time poor Lonnie in the computer room. Lonnie is, what’s the phrase, Totally Over It. She badgers him with questions about the phone calls they’re listening to, wanting to know if there’s been anything about Max. She asks for the keywords in the audio that trigger some sort of automated something or other. The words on this list are the names of various mass transit systems in America (??), countries in the Middle East, and ominous noun/verbs like “bomb,” “murder,” and “attack.” Carrie quite astutely points out that they’re NOT THAT DUMB. Lonnie is basically like, “if you want to add more words, be my guest. Also who are you again??”

Keyword list in hand, Carrie heads back onto the main floor just in time to eavesdrop on the arrival of Vanessa Kroll, who is leading the FBI investigation of Just What the Fuck Happened Out Here, Guys?! We can tell right away that she Means Business because she asks for a room with doors that close. Shouldn’t this be every room in Kabul station? Anyway, Carrie overhears the whole thing and has a bit of an “oh shit” look on her face, probably because she’s been meeting with Yevgeny in secret for God knows how long and oh! the CIA are thisclose (actually they’re finished, but she doesn’t know that) to learning what was actually said at her meeting with Yevgeny a few days ago.

Despite all of this, Carrie could really use some fresh air, so she hops on her motorcycle. I know it’s a stunt double and not actually Claire Danes riding this thing but IT IS SO BADASS THAT CARRIE JUST KNOWS HOW TO RIDE A MOTORCYCLE. And she really does. She weaves in and out of traffic with ease. And she also has to reroute herself several times, which is how we know she’s been to the place she’s going at least a few times before. And where is that? YEVGENY’S PLACE, which would be a cool name for a mid-90s sitcom. Anyhoozles, he opens the door like, “oh, you again?” and she barges right in because—I repeat—they’ve done this before.

Carrie: First things first, this is definitely the beginning of an arrangement, despite what I’m saying now. Yevgeny: I’m so tall that I’m literally leaning my elbow on this china cabinet. Carrie: Remember that time you took away my meds and I went totally crazy and then tried to kill myself? Yevgeny: Yeah, I saved you. Carrie: Ok, well saving me wasn’t the actual favor. What I’m asking for now is. Yevgeny: I’m listening. Carrie: My friend, Max, my ONLY friend, is missing. I think the Taliban have him. I have to save him. Yevgeny: Damn, I’m surprised you have a friend. Carrie: I know you have contacts in the Korengal. Can you figure out where he is? Yevgeny: On one condition! Carrie: Which is? Yevgeny: You need to break into the computer room at the CIA and cut off the surveillance over the region, otherwise my contact is gonna get bombed to oblivion right after I call him. Carrie: First, I’m amused you think I even know how to do something in a computer room. Second, no way! Yevgeny: Ok, then I can’t help you. Carrie: But—! Yevgeny: Look, you came to me. I’m not making you do anything. It’s a phone call, two minutes. All I’m asking for is two minutes. Carrie: Hey, I said that line once… I can’t fucking believe this is happening to me and I further can’t believe how attracted I am to you right now. I need to take a few steps backward otherwise I don’t know what might happen. Yevgeny: I’m just gonna lean over here since I know you like when guys lean. Carrie: FINE. I’LL DO IT. Be ready at 3pm. I hope our watches are synchronized.

Over at the presidential palace, G’ulom is asking Saul and resident hottie Scott Ryan where Haqqani is. He’s convinced the Americans have him. They go back and forth about the 300 Taliban soldiers G’ulom has locked up in a soccer stadium without food or water. He’s gonna murder them all soon, they’re pretty sure. Anyway they all hate each other and Saul doesn’t even have the will to pretend anymore. He straight up accuses G’ulom of crashing both the helicopters so he could become President. Phew! G’ulom says they can both gtfo and they do.

Carrie returns to Kabul station for her interview with Vanessa Kroll, which lasts about 30 seconds and she stops just short of being like, “wait you’re not gonna arrest me now?” Give it time, Carrie. Give it time.

…Because Mike is finally listening to the recording of Carrie’s conversation at the mosque with Yevgeny. And it’s even worse now, mostly out of context, and given that Carrie fully lied on her contact report. Mike says things like “fucking Christ.” Jenna, God bless her, thinks maybe Yevgeny is lying and also totally understands why Carrie would lie about all this. Mike wants to report this up the chain but decides to sit with it a while.

Somewhere in Afghanistan, Max is—thank God!!!!—still alive, asleep on a mattress in some random dude’s house. The Taliban soldier picks up his backpack and takes it into town to sell off some of those Hot American Goodz. But not the flight recorder! No one knows what that weird red box even is for. It’s promptly moved to the back of the shop and put on the junk shelf.

In Kabul, Haqqani remains hidden, also in some random dude’s house. Random dude informs him that G’ulom has a million dollar bounty on his head and if he doesn’t turn himself in he’s gonna murder everyone in the soccer stadium, so Scott Ryan was correct. What a quandary!

HIOHHP is in the Oval Office and Linus has rolled up his sleeves so you know shit is getting real. Saul and Scott inform them that G’ulom is gonna murder all these people without due process, which is totally against their constitution. If that happens, they’ll see a wave of insurgency that will once again completely destabilize the country. Which means more troops. Remember two days ago when we were so close to peace? HIOHHP needs to get on the phone with G’ulom ASAP to make sure this doesn’t happen and he can start by threatening to withhold all aid from them.

He agrees to get on the phone and then has a highly hilarious exchange with Linus where they say the word “G’ulom” over and over and fuck, this show is funny again!

The phone call, however, is a bust. HIOHHP plays right into G’ulom’s hand. He says things like “no” when he really means “yes” and just repeats Saul’s talking points, only less coherently, and by the end G’ulom gets him to agree that they gotta murder all these Taliban soldiers immediately since it will be a defining ~presidential moment~. Linus nearly falls out of his chair. Bet Elizabeth Keane is looking pretty great now, huh? I hope she’s enjoying an extended Caribbean vacation.

It is 14:52 which means Carrie has eight minutes until she needs to do something with computers. Jenna attempts to follow her, but Carrie catches on. Jenna is actually inches away from Carrie’s door when she opens it, asks smartly if she needs anything, before Jenna makes up a lie so bad Carrie could have come up with it. I am starting to feel badly for Jenna because she cannot do literally anything she’s supposed to.

Carrie makes her way to the computer room and once again we are treated to some high comedy. She gets Lonnie to print something for her and purposely causes a paper jam in the computer. Lonnie remains Totally Over It but Carrie causes just enough of a diversion to cut off the surveillance to the Korengal region. I know what you’re thinking: this is so unbelievable! The wires would never be out in the open, unlocked, where just anyone could disconnect them. Unfortunately, I totally believe this is how the CIA operates. And also, Carrie could never do something with a computer! On that point, you are right. Anyway, two minutes pass and she reconnects the wire and gets her stack of paper so it was a pretty good day for Carrie!

Oh wait…. Mike decides to bring his concerns to Saul. Carrie and Yevgeny have met, he recorded their conversation, she fully lied about what they said, and it’s all Very Concerning and he thinks that Carrie may have unwittingly helped Yevgeny assassinate Beau! Saul very evenly says “I am going to have to listen to that tape.”

Haqqani decides that he will turn himself in, only to the Americans, not to G’ulom. Because then he’ll get a trial, and everything always turns out cool when you trust the Americans. He must not know Saul’s not running this dealio anymore. Everyone looks at him like he’s crazy and I must stress that this show making me feel badly for Haissam Haqqani is messing with me.

Later, Saul, having just listened to The Tape, knocks on Carrie’s door.

Saul: Let me cut to the chase. What the fuck’s going on with you and Yevgeny? Carrie: Did Mike brainwash you? Saul: Just answer me. Carrie: Lies, lies, lies, more lies. Saul: I know you just said lies. I heard the tape. Carrie: Fuck, the tape. You heard all of it? Saul: Yes. Look, this is all my fault. Carrie: Yeah, I know. Wait, how…? Saul: It was my idea to bring you here and now look what’s happened. Carrie: Jesus, can we stop talking like I’m a child? Saul: No we cannot! Look, here are the facts. You had a relationship with Yevgeny complicated enough to lie about. We’ve literally been here before. Secondly, he saved your life. Even you would feel indebted to him an eensy bit. Carrie: Ok when you put it that way, it sounds really bad. Saul: You told him about Franny. That you thought you were a danger to her. Is that true? Carrie: Goddammit, Saul, you know that’s my trigger… Saul: You never told me these things! How can we be in a codependent relationship if you keep from me things that you know I would absolutely judge you for? Carrie: I’m still putting the pieces together. I’m not trying to be evasive, I literally don’t remember everything. Saul: Yeah, that’s why you have to leave, pronto. Back to Germany. Say hi to Otto for me. Carrie: Absolutely not, I can’t leave Max behind. I sent him here. I mean, actually you did, but I have a thing where I feel guilty about things that aren’t really my fault. Saul: CARRIE, PLEASE JESUS. You look guilty AS FUCK. You talked Warner into coming here. You knew for an hour after meeting him where he was going. That’s enough time to make a phone call! Carrie: This is bullshit. Saul: Of course it’s bullshit, but the FBI needs a scapegoat and baby, you’re it! Carrie: Idgaf. Doing everything we can to find Max means keeping me here because Yevgeny has a lead, I just talked to him. Let me call him back! Saul: I want… to take a nap.

It’s… a devastating, climactic scene. In the way Saul pleads with Carrie, and she pleads back with him. So layered in all they’ve gone through the last seven seasons and beyond…

He thinks Yevgeny is trying to recruit her, just telling her what she wants to hear. She says that’s not what’s happening. They’re at an impasse and Saul finally just tells her she’s getting on that fucking plane to Germany willingly or in handcuffs. (There’s a third option he doesn’t yet know about.)

Thirty minutes later, Carrie does have her shit and is ready to leave. She smiles at Saul, which is how he should have known something was up. She gets in the car and, would ya look at that! Haqqani is surrendering himself in front of the embassy at this exact moment! Guess we’ll see where that ends up.

Elsewhere, Max has finally woken up. No he’s not ok. He was just shot! But his backpack is gone and he needs it back. The flight recorder! Cut to a long procession of donkeys carrying cargo through a mountainous valley. They have all sorts of stuff strapped to their backs including one red flight recorder! And the Emmy for Best Comedy Series goes to… Homeland!! Much applause!!

At the airport, Carrie wishes Jenna good luck, which is Carrie code for “fuck you and lose my number.” She scans her boarding pass and goes onto the jetway with the other passengers. Jenna continues her string of having one fucking job and failing at it because she departs soon after.

Right on cue, Carrie activates the aforementioned third option and makes a sharp right turn off that jetway, down a staircase, out onto the road below. and into the car of Yevgeny, ever punctual. He gives her a look like “damn I missed you,” before they both speed off.

[hellyeahomeland]

“Fucker Shot Me”: an HYH recap

A day after Haqqani turns himself over to the Americans, the Americans are turning him over to G’ulom. Saul and Haqqani pull up to Ghazi Stadium, where G’ulom has been holding the Taliban fighters.

G’ulom is standing outside, in a cape, like he’s Andre Leon Fucking Talley (to be clear, we stan). Haqqani says he’s ready and Saul gets out of the car to give another speech that G’ulom is definitely not listening to about Justice and Due Process and Integrity. G’ulom fulfills his end of the bargain, releasing the prisoners, who all make a beeline for Haqqani because, well, he’s the Emir! Saul warns G’ulom that if he doesn’t treat Haqqani with respect, “your world will explode.” So that’s coming. 

Saul goes back to Kabul station and Mike and Jenna have something to tell him.

Jenna: Remember how yesterday I had one job, which was to get Carrie on the plane to Germany? Saul: Yeah… Jenna: Well, I fucked that up. Mike: Carrie was photographed at the airport getting in a car with everyone’s favorite Russian hunk. Yevgeny Gromov! Can you believe it? Saul: Yes. I mean, no! How surprising. Mike: They could be halfway to Moscow by now. Saul: First, chill. Second, doubtful. Carrie is all about saving her friend Max. She’s probably somewhere in Pakistan. Mike: This is an outrage. Rules! I must follow them! I’m referring this to the FBI. Saul: Whatever. Send me a text or something when you find her ok byeeeeee

Carrie and Yevgeny are somewhere in Pakistan, it turns out. They’re listening to the radio, which is such a quaint thing for two lovers frenemies to do together. The radio report is about Haqqani turning himself in, and they get to talking about the CIA’s working theory that Carrie is a traitor who told her Russian handler—Yevgeny—about the president’s helicopter so that he could alert Haqqani who could fire an RPG! Phew. That’s a lot. They’re both like “yeah that didn���t happen” but also realize the, like, component of weirdness of the situation since they’re off on this road trip together and look extra double super suspicious now. “Ironic,” Carrie says while gazing out the window.

They pull up to a checkpoint. Yevgeny gets out of the car because he is In Charge. He approaches two guys, who are actually his homies, inquiring about where “the American” (Max) is. They have a line on him.

Carrie and Yevgeny’s next stop is a small Pakistani village. Again Yevgeny gets out of the car and instructs Carrie to stay. But we all know (and he should too by now!) that if you tell Carrie not to do something, she turns into a four-year-old child who instantly must do that thing. Plus her spidey senses are tingling. Maybe she recognizes some of these structures? She hops out of the car and ends up at a gravesite. Rows upon rows of graves with the year “2014” etched across the bottom. Uh oh. A few split-second flashbacks later and… yep, these are the graves of the people she dropped a bomb on in “The Drone Queen.”

Carrie: Quit fucking with me. Yevgeny: Heh? Carrie: Quit 👏 fucking 👏 with 👏 me  Yevgeny: I’m not fucking with you. Carrie: Coolio, so we just happened to end up at the village I decimated four years ago in the event that probably more than any other haunts my waking nights? Yevgeny: What do you think happens after you decimate a village with a bomb, Carrie? We come in, help them rebuild the mosque, and develop contacts. It’s not a coincidence we’re here. But I’m not fucking with you. Carrie: I’m changing the subject now. What did the imam say? Yevgeny: He knows where Max is. Come on.

Saul, resident hottie Scott Ryan, and Not Martha Boyd are gathered around a conference table in Kabul station, talking to Linus and his homies back at the White House. They’re all very concerned that Haqqani’s trial will be a sham, he’ll be put up against a wall and shot, and that will mean more violence and more instability, and certainly not an end to “The Forever War.” Not Martha mentions that the lead judge is a woman she knows from some embassy events and she’s fair and independent so they can probably influence her (umm… what?)! Their meeting is interrupted by Hayes, who’s apparently just wandering the halls of the West Wing searching for something to do. He’s generally displeased this is all taking place behind his back, but no one thinks he can do anything, so it’s understandable. He flatly denies Saul’s request to declassify some intelligence that could prove Haqqani is innocent, asks again for the “action plan” to kill more brown people, and storms out.

Back in Carrie/Yevgeny land, Yevgeny continues to pry about the drone strike. He says again he didn’t put two and two together, then proceeds to ask actual personal questions like, “so is that why you left the CIA?” Carrie explains her mental state in season four, which is not something she’s ever done, but it’s interesting nonetheless. She catches herself at the end again questioning whether he’s being truthful or not, because if he is, she doesn’t know why. Poor Carrie has no concept of a personal relationship that’s not transactional.

They eventually arrive at the house where Max is being kept. Again, Yevgeny does all the talking. Carrie storms in to find Max, sprawled out on a mattress, one arm still handcuffed to the bed frame. Immediately she springs into nurturing, concerned Carrie, which is not a hat she wears often (side note: when will Carrie wear another hat?). Max says he’s fine but the narsty wound they show in close-up confirms otherwise. He explains that he doesn’t have the flight recorder anymore but he didn’t want to make a big deal about it, lest it suggest the flight recorder was not just some random red boxy thing. “You did good,” Carrie assures him.

Unfortunately, their touching moment ends right there because a few trucks full of Taliban soldiers pull up to the house. They uncuff Max and then cart him off. Yevgeny looks on helpless. Carrie tells Max she will find him. Then she goes off on the dude who let them in. Yevgeny has to physically restrain her. He looks in her eyes, tells her he’ll take care of this while Carrie attempts to calm her breathing. Did anyone else get the indication he has definitely done this before? He was too effective for that to be a rookie attempt. Anyhoozles, Yevgeny finally gets the location where they took Max, so it’s off to stop #3.

At Dover Air Force Base, Hayes is asking Linus for his unconditional loyalty, which is always something you want a president to be asking for. He’s really miffed that people are going behind his back but Linus says something like “we gotta be in the information flow, man.” Hayes repeats the phrase back, and you definitely get the indication he’s the type of person who uses words and phrases wrong all the time without realizing. Again, he’s the president! Don’t you feel safe?

Oh, the reason they’re at the base is because Hayes had an empty casket shipped back on Air Force One for a photo op. And surprise, surprise! G’ulom came over too. I’m sure they’ll have tons to talk about.

Elsewhere in Pakistan, Saul is grasping at straws and goes to Bunny’s home. Tasneem is there, because they have no secrets between them. Saul pleads for their help coming up with a way to help Haqqani. If they don’t, there will be another war, right at their border, and that’s not great for America, but they’re 7000 miles away. It’s really not great for Pakistan, because it’ll be right on their doorstep. Bunny is having none of it. The Americans play hot and cold with Pakistan, asking for their help whenever it suits them and in the interim killing their citizens, withholding aid, and generally being massive dicks. Enough already!

Saul sees himself out, but Tasneem surprisingly comes knocking on his car window. She’ll help him. Why? She doesn’t want to watch the world burn. This is a surprise because I thought that was Tasneem’s defining quality.

Carrie and Yevgeny arrive at stop #3, which is a field just above where Max is being kept. Carrie scopes out the house. It’s barely being guarded, but who knows how long that’ll last. She decides to phone a friend, but Saul never answers his damn phone. So she decides to phone a Single White Female.

Jenna: Carrie? What the hell? You made me look like an idiot. Carrie: Made you? Lol ok. Anyway, please listen. Mike: What are you doing, Carrie? Carrie: Oh, great, you again. I found Max. Y’know, that thing you guys were doing anything in your power to accomplish? I did it in like 12 hours. Mike: Who are you with? Carrie: ...Breezing by that question. Anyway, here are the coordinates. Will you call special ops? Max is in critical condition, I don’t know how much longer he can make it.  Mike: Do you have any idea how much trouble you’re in? Carrie: Do you have any idea how much I don’t give a fuck? Just call special ops. Bye. [click] Mike: You are now a fugitive, your case is with the FBI, Carrie…? CARRIE?

In the Oval Office, Hayes and G’ulom meet for an “unofficial summit.” Hayes reads a headline on his iPad that declares “The Two Presidents,” which… is certainly a true thing about them. Hayes hems and haws about going back to war with the Taliban, and G’ulom says some manipulative stuff about the US being all-powerful fighters who could totally put them away in two to three weeks. Hayes doesn’t even know he’s being manipulated though and plays right into G’ulom’s hand. He eats this shit up! He loves hearing about American dominance and how he could be the steward of it. If it means murdering even more brown people, that’s just a bonus!

Saul and his new BFF Tasneem arrive at the home of the lead judge for Haqqani’s trial and plead with her that he’s innocent. She asks for literally any evidence and their response is “just trust us, two perfect strangers who barged into your house late at night.” She’s highly skeptical until Tasneem pulls up a news article about the RPG that hit one of the Taliban caravans back in episode two. That was meant for Haqqani, because he wanted peace and the ISI didn’t, and he still agreed to the peace deal. This is apparently enough to sway her, so she agrees to a continuance for one week while Saul and Tasneem figure out what to do.

Carrie is taking a light nap in the back seat of Yevgeny’s truck when he wakes her. Some more cars have arrived at the house where Max is. She peers through the binoculars to see Jalal Haqqani rolling up with his crew. Shit. Jalal enters the room where Max is being held and asks him who shot down the helicopters. “What helicopters?” Max cooly replies. Max 4 President!

Above, Carrie is panicked and phones Mike again. Mike admits that no, special ops isn’t coming. It’s too risky, they haven’t scouted the site, etc. Carrie, totally missing the point, offers to scout the site herself. The issue, of course, isn’t with the site, it’s with Carrie herself. She’s a rogue agent, calling from a Russian sat phone. Who else is even listening in on this call? Carrie says, verbatim, “I don’t underestimate the difficulty.” Whenever Carrie goes searching for euphemisms (“That is a mischaracterization!”) you know she’s in deep shit and that she knows she’s in deep shit. She pleads with Mike that Max is one of ours and we can’t just abandon him. He says they’re doing all they can, which is of course a lie. This must all feel eerily reminiscent of Brody and Tehran for her, a slow-motion car crash she’s powerless to stop.

In need of something, anything, to do, Carrie asks Yevgeny for his gun. She’s going to scout the site herself, at least see if Max is still alive. Yevgeny reluctantly agrees but vows to book it if she gets in trouble, which is also of course a lie.

In Kabul, Saul visits Haqqani in his cell, which is also eerily reminiscent of the cage they kept Brody in in season three. He tells him of the continuance he secured and Haqqani is like, “bro, why are you doing all this?” Saul says it’s because he’s innocent. Haqqani knows the truth though: after forty of years of war, none of them are still innocent.

In the court room, one by one the judges file in. The last and presiding one, however, is not the woman Tasneem and Saul met the night prior. That’s right, G’ulom pulled the ol’ trial judge switcheroo! This new guy is definitely not ordering a continuance. He gives a speech about the pain and suffering Haqqani has inflicted on thousands of people. How he killed both presidents. He sentences him to death. Saul looks on horrified. He calls Linus, who informs him that Hayes has asked for new perspectives on Afghanistan, and John Zabel is in the Oval Office meeting with him as they speak. They are extremely disgusted, so we know John Zabel must suck. Outside the courthouse, crowds have gathered in celebration of the announcement of Haqqani’s inevitable execution.

In the Oval Office, Linus interrupts the meeting between Hayes and John Zab—oh my god, it’s Hugh Dancy! Ok, ok, we all knew it would be Hugh Dancy, but it’s still exciting! He has a terrible haircut, awful facial hair, and gives off general vibes of hot evilness. He makes a few incredibly racist remarks, praises Hayes’ quick action in avenging Beau Bridge’s death, and talks about next steps. Linus comes thisclose to doing a Jim Halpert on The Office impression.

A few Taliban soldiers come into Max’s room and drag him up. He groans and yells. Outside, Carrie, gun in hand, makes her way to the perimeter of the house. They’ve carried Max into the courtyard and are pulling an orange jumpsuit on him. He screams in protest, doing everything he can to resist. Jalal stands in front, camera and tripod at the ready. Carrie watches in horror, beginning to put the pieces together. They pull Max’s glasses off and she pulls her pistol up, ready to shoot.

Suddenly, Yevgeny grabs her from behind, his hand over her mouth, muzzling her cries. He puts her against a wall (why is this so sexual??) and stares into her eyes. “No,” he whipsers. For once, she listens.

[hellyeahomeland]

“Catch and Release”: an HYH recap

LOL I guess we need to discuss these new opening credits? It’s a real throwback, incorporating some of the more famous images from the first few years of the show, especially young Carrie (also I don’t remember the maze as much the last few years but it was there, and it features heavily this year as well).

Some notable audio clips:

Saul: You had a relationship complicated enough to lie about. Carrie: Yeah, it’s complicated! I lost seven months of my life!

Saul: You will become the focus of an investigation that will define the rest of your life.

Saul: Please God, tell me you haven’t…

(had to include this cap because I’m trash)

So… this should be fun.

The episode opens right where the last one left off. Carrie is visibly disturbed by the site of Yevgeny walking out of G’ulom’s office. She wastes no time asking G’ulom what the hell they were doing there. He plays coy and says they’re just businessmen but Carrie is doing her whole righteous indignation, “New Car Smell” thing. She says he’s got to take back his comments about the POWs. There’s a pointed exchange where Carrie says they’re prisoners of war and G’ulom counters that they’re terrorists and OH MY GOD how much heavier could the Brody parallels get?? Anyway, G’ulom is very unconvinced by Carrie’s argument, which basically boils down to “please?” She seethes the whole way back to the CIA station and says her first mean thing to Jenna this episode.

Later on the phone with Saul, she asks if he knew Yevgeny was there. “Of course not,” Saul says, though I’m not really sure I believe him. But apparently they can’t do shit about this as it was part of the terms of Carrie’s release. Which I guess they forgot to mention in her debrief.

Elsewhere in Afghanistan, Max is talking to the DoD’s version of Siri. His Hot Marines give him all a hair tousle, which he hates (obviously), but which also seems to be some sign of good luck. The nice guy in the hat from the last episode notably does not touch his head, so I’m sure he’ll be dead in 2-4 episodes. Apparently the DoD Siri is better than the real thing because he manages to comb through some conversations of Haqqani talking to his son about ending the war. Saul says this is “black and white” evidence, because as we know everything that happens on this show is “black and white.” He’s convinced that if he could just talk to Haqqani, they could end this war together. This is one of Saul’s more insane plans but it will probably work because: Saul.

Back at the CIA, Carrie’s gotten an “anonymous tip” which is basically a name written in large block letters inside an envelope. She manages to use a computer successfully and discovers the name is of a woman who was involved in a government corruption probe that got ~mysteriously~ shut down when it uncovered actual government corruption. How quaint! Anyway, then her husband was killed in a car bomb that was probably meant for her. So she’s justifiably pissed and probably has dirt on G’ulom that Carrie could use.

Carrie proposes to Mike Dunne an operation wherein they pretend to interview her for a job while Carrie breaks into her apartment to find said dirt. Mike Dunne brilliantly suggests Jenna for the operation since apparently Jenna set up a fake NGO with all her downtime on account of not being let outside. Their conversation goes something like this:

Carrie: Wait, just last week you told me Jenna is sort of an idiot. Mike: I said she was stuck in the starting gate. That is a horse racing analogy. Carrie: [raises eyebrows] Mike: We need her idiocy to add a little drama to this otherwise straightforward operation you’ve devised.

Later, Carrie prepares with Jenna:

Carrie: I’m phrasing this next bit as a rhetorical question with an obvious answer, because I don’t actually believe you know the right answer, because you are an idiot. Jenna: I promise I’m not an idiot. Did Mike say I was a fuck-up? Carrie: No, I said that. Jenna: Oh, right. Carrie: Are you not a fuck-up? Jenna: [blank stare]

Meanwhile, Tasneem is observing the transfer of Taliban POWs from Guantanamo, including one who is carted off on a stretcher. Also Saul is nowhere to be found. Between the ambulance and the “where the FUCK is Saul” of it all, this scene has several of the same elements of the iconique ending of “A Red Wheel Barrow.” Like Carrie then, Tasneem knows something is fishy.

…and something definitely is! Saul’s not back in America like Tim Guinee says. He’s with Haqqani’s cousin, one of the released POWs, trying to convince him to hand deliver a letter to Haqqani in exchange for his immediate freedom.

Saul and Haqqani’s cousin arrive in Peshawar, where Saul hands over the letter to Haqqani, which he then reads via voiceover. It’s all very “A False Glimmer.” He pleads with Haqqani to meet with him, claiming “it’s only the men with guns who can make peace.” Which, I guess?

The next day, Carrie’s operation is a go. Samira leaves right on time for the interview with Jenna’s fake NGO and Carrie and her crew easily break into her apartment. They don’t find much, until Carrie notices a burqa with a USB sewn into the hem. Incriminating evidence sewn into fabric that is discovered at the last moment is my FAVORITE device on this show.

Carrie is victorious in her search but Jenna royally fucks up the interview, because she’s an idiot (and a fuck-up, apparently), revealing that she knows about the “audit” Samira took part in. Jenna, you literally had one job! To her credit, Samira realizes what’s going on almost instantly and then takes a photo of Jenna. We have to stan!!

Samira doesn’t get away though. They abduct her and take her back to the CIA station, cuff her, and throw a hood over her head. Carrie is enraged, claiming they’ve just traumatized her all over again and now she definitely won’t talk. After a few seasons of getting a hood thrown over her head, Carrie sympathizes.

She does her best “here’s the lay of the land” with Samira and gets her to tell her the significance of the documents on the USB drive. Samira wants G’ulom arrested and says she can wait two more years, or even twenty, to take down G’ulom. Carrie knows the best they can do is just cut him at the knees by advancing the peace deal. In the end, she convinces her.

Carrie calls Saul from a big abandoned building, location unknown, which is supposed to be an army base. Key phrase: “supposed to be.” Samira’s documents show evidence of an entirely fabricated Afghan Army battalion. That’s right, G’ulom is a scammer! He’s been funneling millions of dollars meant for the Army base into his own pocket for years. Incredulous, Carrie exclaims, “We’ve been enabling this motherfucker for 18 years! What is wrong with us?”

In Rawalpindi, Tasneem pays a visit to her retired stepfather Bunny (last seen in season four). He’s fallen asleep in his massive garden shooting squirrels with a pistol. The neighbors are complaining.

Tasneem: If you took down the bird feeders, the squirrels would stop eating the bird seeds. Bunny: I prefer this. Also, that’s not fair to the birds. Tasneem: Is this a metaphor? [Later] Tasneem: Stepdad, I think Saul is up to no good. If he talks to Haqqani directly, there could be a real breakthrough. Bunny: Unacceptable. We must control everything. Tasneem: How far am I allowed to go then? Bunny: The Americans hate us and our God. Go as fucking far as you please. Tasneem: Coolio, it’s murder time. 

Wearing a nice set of gold bar earrings, Carrie is back in G’ulom’s office, presenting him with a slew of incriminating evidence about his scam. He has two hours to walk back the statements before she shares the papers with his own government, who’d likely have him killed. Finally she has leverage, but G’ulom still manages to give a menacing speech about how peace will be terrible for everyone. Carrie doesn’t relent.

Poor Max has not gotten any alone time at the Army base in Afghanistan, but he has realized that the ISI definitely know that Saul is in Peshawar. Apparently the Taliban does as well. Twist of twists, the ISI aren’t preparing to hit him, they’re preparing to hit Haqqani. Saul yells at the Taliban’s convoy to stop but it’s too late. Amid the panic, Saul is abducted again. I honestly cannot. How many times has this been? This was not the Homeland Greatest Hits I had in mind.

Later, Carrie is stomping her way through the streets of Kabul. She ends up at a bar with the rest of the crew. She says something encouraging to Jenna and orders a “soda water,” both of which are not things I would have expected Carrie to do. Mike Dunne is like, Carrie when the fuck are you gonna leave? Carrie does a cute lil’ shrug and randomly asks where the bathroom is.

That’s right, we needed Carrie alone and somewhat lost because YEVGENY IS BACK. Somehow he looks even hotter than last week. Apparently he gave the anonymous tip, which makes no sense.

Yevgeny: I thought you were gonna thank me. *wink wink* Carrie: I am so confused. Yevgeny: Who else would have done something so nice for you? *wink wink* Carrie: I am maximum confused. Yevgeny: Don’t play dumb. *wink wink* Carrie: I am more confused now than that time I saw a screensaver. Yevgeny: Hey, maybe we could go to Banana Joe’s together? *wink wink* [fades into darkness]

The episode closes somewhat awesomely with Saul, still blindfolded, entering a cement fortress. The blindfold comes off, his beard looks raggedy. I’ve seen this all before. Haqqani walks in. He’s not dead. Saul’s thanking the heavens, and then Haqqani smacks him across the face with a rifle. Cut to black. *chef’s kiss*

[hellyeahomeland]

“Chalk One Up”: an HYH recap

It’s five days after the ceasefire. Carrie’s still riding around on motorcycles at night, though it’s unclear where she’s going or why. On her way back to her room, she hears what sounds like her voice. A few tech guys are—very loudly!—listening back to her conversation with Yevgeny and trying to make out just what the hell they were talking about.

This makes Carrie so damn anxious that the next day she ventures into the (unlocked) COMPUTER ROOM. I have no idea what she was trying to do. Hack into the main frame and delete the audio undetected? She starts rummaging through desk drawers (why???) when in walks a square-jawed military policeman. They ask her to come with them, and Carrie does about as well with this lack of info as you’d imagine. She starts yelling, doing her whole Carrie thing, then name drops Saul Berenson. “Mr. Berenson’s fully aware,” replies Officer Square Jaw. It all has the ring of that scene from “The Star” when the Iranians find Brody at the safe house and Carrie’s like “PLEASE, SOMEONE CALL JAVADI,” and they’re like, “The colonel IS. AWARE.” Everything that’s happened this season reminds me of something else. Not in a bad way...

Meanwhile, Samira’s back. She’s chatting with her friend as they go shopping. I checked and she’s only credited as “Samira’s friend,” but I FUCKING LOVE HER. She’s a “bright and shiny” person, as Shonda would say. She’s going on about how peaceful it’s been, how the ceasefire is working, and everything is changing! Samira is more than skeptical. Outside the market two men with ice cream cones approach and one offers Samira his cone. Samira’s friend decides now is a perfect time to take a selfie. It is the most awkward and tense and “something bad’s about to happen” selfie that ever existed. But I still love her. They arrive home to find Samira’s brother-in-law waiting for her. Her friend looks on concernedly and that is how we know this woman is a Queen!

Carrie continues being the opposite of chill in the car on the way to her mystery destination, which turns out to be Bagram Airfield. Carrie is about 4000% sure this means she’s off to some CIA black site but instead she just meets Saul there, and he informs her that actually President Beau is on his way. And he wants to meet her. But no one knows what about. So just chill—for real this time—for the next four hours.

In Kabul, a bunch of people and one dog file slowly into the Presidential Palace for another mystery announcement. Tasneem is there, dressed in all white and a strand of pearls, looking like the bossy but classy angel of death that she is. They do this thing where they check their phones, the same way you would a coat, and Tasneem looks HIGHLY displeased to have lost her device. We continue to stan. She runs into G’ulom inside and they both whine about how they have no idea what’s going on but also have a feeling that Beau himself is coming to Afghanistan. So actually they do know what’s going on. Anyway, Tasneem has had enough of this.

Tasneem: I’m outie, y’all. See ya on the flippity. Saul: Not so fast. Tasneem: I can’t believe you went behind my back. We were pretending to be frenemies! Now we’re just enemies! Saul: You tried to kill Haqqani. Thanks for that, btw. It really broke the log jam. I guess you could say that… backfired. Tasneem: [rolls eyes]

Elsewhere, Samira and her brother-in-law have a nice chat, and by “chat” I mean he tells her to come back to their village because people are talking and also he would like to marry her now. She tells him to gtfo and the cinematography is like something out of a tense indie domestic drama (in the best way!!).

Back at Bagram, Carrie squints her eyes, which is really not something she does all that often, unless she’s looking at a screensaver, and WHAT DO YOU KNOW Jenna is there. Carrie, I know you are already on high alert about this woman, but homie is gonna probably try to kill you.

Beau Bridges gets off the airplane and greets the Afghan President. Then he makes a beeline for Carrie, whom he wants to personally thank, because, y’know, if Keane hadn’t bailed on the presidency because she didn’t give half a shit about getting Carrie out of Moscow he might not be Commander in Chief! That’s how season seven ended, right? 

Anyhoozles, Carrie sort of changed his life and is also why he’s standing right in front of her, which bodes really well for Carrie’s constantly simmering guilty conscience. He talks about how courageous Carrie was, he can’t imagine what she went through, etc. Carrie becomes visibly emotional but is ultimately speechless. He’s likely the first person who’s acknowledged the type of sacrifice she did make, instead of glance suspiciously in her direction. He excuses himself because the next stop on his trip requires a flak jacket (always a good sign!). He gets into one of two helicopters—Chalk One and Chalk Two—and off he goes.

Carrie is hoping for a nice silent ride back to the Kabul station but Jenna has other ideas.

Jenna (booting up, non-verbally): How. To. Be. Human. Woman? … Gos. Sip. Jenna: So what did the president say? Carrie: Nothing. Jenna: It didn’t look like nothing. It looked…. INTENSE. Carrie (non-verbally): This homie really just wants me to say something passive aggressive to her again, doesn’t she? My God. Jenna: Was it classified? Carrie: No, it was personal. Can you take a fucking hint? Jenna: Carrie, you have no friends. Why wouldn’t you tell me, your not-friend, something personal that the President of the United States told you in private? Carrie: First, thanks for reminding me I have no friends. Second, he thanked me. Jenna: For being a pain in all our asses in Kabul? Carrie: No, actually he thanked me for Moscow. You know, that thing that you all think makes me look extremely suspicious? Well, our boss up top actually thinks I’m a hero. How’s that for personal, dummy? Jenna (non-verbally): I wonder what it would be like to have a mind of my own? …

Their conversation is interrupted by Samira calling Carrie, because Carrie didn’t really have enough to do this week. Samira—oops!—let her brother-in-law back into her apartment for some reason and now he and some other Taliban dudes are going to basically kidnap her and take her back to the village so he can marry her. Carrie says she’ll be there ASAP.

Another surprise! Beau is coming to the exact same combat post where Max has been trapped stationed for the last four episodes. This all plays out in a somewhat surreal montage since, for some unknown reason, Beau’s trip is being broadcast live around the world. Saul gives a speech at the palace about how peace is happening and—I shit you not—the red curtains behind him literally open up to reveal the live feed. In case we couldn’t understand that it was theater.

Meanwhile, the Hot Marines get ready for the president and Hot Evil Veep in Washington says, “No thanks, Linus, I’d rather watch this on Fox News by myself.” Tasneem sulks in the corner, and then later outside with G’ulom. Beau explains to the soldiers that they’re coming home and they cheer. He takes selfies with some of them and makes corny jokes. Everyone shakes hands and congratulates themselves on a job well done, even though several people this episode openly acknowledge that this is just step one (cue Carrie in Sara’s mind: “this—this is just phase one, the real attack has not come yet”).

Afterward, it’s finally time for Max to leave. The Hot Marines try one last time to convince him to stay—they’re still staying for the foreseeable future after all, the US Military moves at a glacial pace. Maybe it was the sad puppy dog eyes they gave him, or maybe Max really does have a sixth sense about these things, but, improbably, he decides to stay. He doesn’t get on Chalk One.

Samira is being escorted out of her apartment by her brother-in-law and some of his Taliban dudes but their car won’t start. Too bad no one was watching the car while they were inside to prevent this exact thing from happening. Anyway, Carrie appears out of nowhere and tells them not to fucking move. They have the car surrounded and she, rather gracefully and quickly, gets Samira out of one car and into the other. All in a day’s work, I guess! But she can’t revel in the triumph for too long because there’s been an “RTB” (return to base) call and they all need to go back to the station.

And why exactly? Well, the president’s helicopter (Chalk Two) is nowhere to be found. I know what you’re thinking. But it’s NOT aliens. Apparently the escort helicopter saw nothing, which is strange, because it had, again, literally one job.

Saul arrives back at the CIA station to the camera in Chalk One surveying the wooded forests, looking for Chalk Two. They locate it, spewing smoke, crashed on the ground. In the White House situation room, everyone looks around sort of dumbfounded at the feed. HEV asks who’s in charge and Linus is like, “uh… you?”

Carrie races into the command center and asks Saul what’s happening. He tells her the president’s helicopter is down. She asks how that’s possible, which is a great fucking question! Before Chalk One can land to attempt a rescue, they spot some Taliban soldiers with an RPG approaching and start shooting. They fire the RPG back and hit the helicopter directly. So much for a ceasefire. Carrie and Saul look on, shellshocked, at the now blank screens.

[hellyeahomeland]

“False Friends”: an HYH recap

Our episode opens with Carrie smoking gloriously on the Kabul station roof. She flashes back to the same memory she’s been ruminating on the last few episodes as her conversation with Yevgeny in the bar replays in her head.

“Stay,” she begs Yevgeny in the flashback. “Please don’t leave me.” He says he can’t, and they hug. The key difference in this version? Carrie seems remarkably lucid, certainly not hysterical. Back in the present, Carrie’s hand shakes as she takes another drag.

In case you forgot, Beau Bridges is president and David Wellington still exists for some reason. He makes small talk with Ben Hayes, the new VP who seems almost as legitimately evil as Bill Walden. Remember when this show was all about vice presidents being evil?? Anyway, Hayes has just come back from the Ohio State/Michigan football game and in that time, Saul got his ass captured! He is annoyed at all the chances Saul’s gotten (not to mention the fact that he’s a “Keane holdover”) and suggests they just fire Saul. He… does have a point.

Back in Kabul, Mike Dunne is similarly annoyed that Carrie hasn’t left. Carrie argues that Yevgeny might be recruitable and mentions the multiple points of contact she’s had with him in the last three days, not to mention that he left the tip about Samira Noori last episode. Mike says meeting with Yevgeny is complicated and Carrie fires back that it’s REALLY complicated because she was imprisoned by the Russians for 7 months. She basically tells him to lie to his boss and go about things The Carrie Mathison Way™.

Somewhere in Pakistan, Saul is imprisoned (again), begging Haqqani to let him go (again), and without his glasses (again). Haqqani still believes that Saul laid a trap for him, but Saul argues that if the Americans wanted him dead, he’d be dead (tell that to Carrie Mathison circa 4.06!). Saul says there’s a traitor in Haqqani’s camp, someone working with the ISI.

….aaaand cue the traitor, Haqqani’s son Jalal. He gets paid a visit from Tasneem, looking boss as always, and they basically toast to Haqqani’s assured death. Oh yeah, they think he’s actually dead. Aaaaand cue a call from Haqqani, alive and well. Tasneem and Jalal’s mouths hang open and it’s as hilarious as this show ever gets. Haqqani orders Jalal home so they can figure out who has betrayed them.

Poor Max is still working away on the DoD Siri, which is apparently only voice-activated because he has to say his search terms out loud instead of typing them on the computer. Anyway, the Hot Marines barge in, tackle him to the ground and rub his belly. Understandably livid, Max shouts that he’s not their “fucking Buddha” and anyway how much luck is he really when he got Saul captured? Poor Max doesn’t realize that getting captured is the thing Saul does best.

In Kabul, Carrie and the only three people who actually seem to work there have a meeting about a new message she’s gotten from Yevgeny, asking for a meeting tomorrow morning. They want loads of backup and Carrie says that’ll only spook him. They all sigh heavily before Carrie says something passive aggressive and storms out. When she’s gone, they cut the act and explain to us that they’re letting Carrie meet with Yevgeny ON PURPOSE because she just might be dumb enough to incriminate herself on camera. Mike Dunne also checks in on how Operation Trick Carrie Into Having a Female Friend is going. It’s not, because Carrie Mathison.

Later, Jenna pays Carrie an impromptu visit on the roof, where she is smoking (again!). She must be really stressed out. Jenna tries her best to pick Carrie’s brain but HELLO IT’S CARRIE. They’re all cutting through each other’s bullshit this episode and it’s awesome. Carrie knows and Jenna knows that Carrie knows and it really seems like the only person who doesn’t know shit about shit is Mike Dunne, which is the opposite of shocking. There is a great moment where, with a hint of a smile, Carrie tells Jenna that you never really know in this business if someone is lying or being truthful. If that little beat and the way Carrie practically revels in it isn’t this show in a nutshell, I don’t know what is. 

Haqqani is also planning a trick, but with his own son. He has a guard reveal to Jalal that he knows someone has betrayed him to the ISI and then is listening when Jalal immediately calls Tasneem after the guard believes. Now Haqqani believes Saul and, after providing him with his eyeglasses and shoes, quietly tells him he can leave. If you are confused about this, join the club! Saul chases after Haqqani. They chat about many topics, including: where Haqqani grew up in Afghanistan, Haqqani wanting to step down as leader of the Taliban, Haqqani not being sure if he will murder his only living son, Haqqani’s nicknames, etc.

The next morning, Haqqani has Jalal dragged out of bed and tied to a post. He presses him (literally: the gun is pressed to his forehead) about what really happened with the ISI. Jalal denies all of it but says his father is past his time and everyone knows it. It’s a scene! Saul watches from the distance. You are about 780% sure Haqqani will shoot this dude in the head the same way he shot Aayan and it’s excruciating, but instead he just throws him out of the compound, shoeless and disgraced.

Carrie’s “operation” is a go. She is wearing a black wig with eyeliner to match and there is no explanation offered as to why. Yevgeny arrives way past when he said, but exactly at the call to prayer, which was the whole idea, because none of the CIA folks that they both know are watching can actually hear anything. They walk to a fountain where the sound is super doubly obscured.

Carrie asks him what the fuck he’s doing and he says he just wants to “pick up where they left off.” Carrie remains maximum confused. Yevgeny is incredulous that she doesn’t remember but explains for the audience what happened: he left Carrie in the asylum for a few months and then, by chance, he finds her after she’s attempted to hang herself. She tore up the bedsheets herself. Miraculously, he saved her life and managed to get her back on her meds.

Yevgeny: there was a birch forest by the hospital and we took walks together. Carrie: Me? Taking walks? Please.  Yevgeny: You told me about Brody! Carrie: Anyone who religiously reads Wikileaks could probably have figured that out. Yevgeny: You had a daughter with him named Franny. Carrie: Anyone who has ever seen her hair could have figured that out, too. Yevgeny: Ok then, you want to do this the painful way. You told me that you almost drowned her. We have to make as many callbacks to season four as possible. Carrie: ……….fuck. Yevgeny: Gotta go, bye!

Back in Washington, Wellington tells Beau Bridges to keep an eye out for Ben Hayes. He’s a snake and the football game was just a cover for a fundraising trip in Ohio. Beau is like, “no VP has ever run against a sitting president, DAVID” and Wellington literally has to remind him that a) A VP HASN’T BEEN NOT FROM THE POTUS’ OWN PARTY FOR LIKE 200 YEARS and  b) YOU ONLY GOT THIS JOB BECAUSE THE PRESIDENT RESIGNED AFTER A SIMILARLY UNPRECEDENTED CHALLENGE TO HER OFFICE BY A FOREIGN POWER therefore c) NEVER SAY NEVER, BEAU.

Anyhoozles, Saul and Haqqani agree on the rough terms of a peace deal. There will be a ceasefire beginning basically immediately and Haqqani and his crew will finally be mostly legitimized, no longer categorized as a terrorist organization. They’ll have access to wealth and power. It’s a win/win, because that always happens on this show. 

After successfully negotiating the deal, Saul returns back to Kabul where he and Carrie have a quick FaceTime with Beau and Wellington, the latter of whom Carrie comes about 4 seconds from telling to fuck off. Carrie tells Beau that to sell the peace deal to the American people he should start by taking a secret trip here and get the troops committed first. All the CIA folks in the room stare at each other as the Beau continually congratulates Carrie on being an all-around awesome person. After the call, Mike follows Carrie out and asks where she’s been for the last 90 minutes. She says she “took a walk.” She lies about the contents of her conversation with Yevgeny but says meeting him took a toll, which is one true thing at least.

The episode closes with Jalal, nearly delirious, wandering down a dirt path. A white truck speeds up and stops just in front of him. Tasneem gets out of the truck, looking like a boss, as ever. He hops in the truck. Guess the ISI aren’t done with him yet.

[hellyeahomeland]

“Chalk Two Down”: an HYH recap

“Chalk Two Down” picks up right where “Chalk One Up” left off, which is that everyone is sort of running like chickens with their heads cut off. At the combat post, the soldiers are all scrambling. One of them asks Max for his “shit.” They need encrypted devices to send pictures back up to the ops and situation rooms. Max valiantly volunteers to come along and handle the equipment himself.

In the ops room, HEV is like, WE’RE SENDING IN THE JV SQUAD? WHERE THE FUCK IS OUR MILITARY, THE GREATEST IN THE HISTORY OF THE UNIVERSE. CO Owens is like, hi, pls chill. We’re bringing in a QRF ASAP ACRONYM ACRONYM. HEV offers some more racist commentary and everyone sort of stares blankly at their hands because in 20 minutes this guy’s about to be the president so….

Saul cautions them all that a) we don’t know the president is dead and b) we don’t know the Taliban did it. HEV calls him out and again everyone sort of stares blankly at their hands. Carrie tries to soothe his ego, because apparently that’s now Her Job.

Carrie: Are you ok? Let me get you a danish. Saul: I don’t want a danish and no I’m not ok. Carrie: Try to see it from their side. They all hate you because this was sort of your idea. Saul: Actually it was sort of your idea. Anyway they don’t give a fuck what actually happened, they just want to kill more brown people. Carrie: That’s not what I heard. Saul: You weren’t listening then. Carrie: Let’s try to have some perspective, a thing I’m really good at. Saul: Perspective? Look, if the Taliban did it, cool. If the ISI did it, coolio. If G’ulom did it, cooliest. I’m explicitly leaving out whether the Russians did it, but …. y’know. Or maybe the pilot saw Jesus and flew the helicopter into the mountain! All that stuff matters. It determines what we do next. Carrie: Not ~realistically~. Saul: We’re really about to repeat the same mistakes as after 9/11, huh? Ten years from now are you gonna come onto me again in your apartment with the blue walls and tell me you missed something TWICE before? Carrie: Wow, I thought we were never mentioning that again. Also there’s no way both of us will still be alive in ten years. If we are, I certainly won’t be speaking to you.

Back at the presidential palace, Not Martha Boyd is telling everyone that the two presidents have been slightly delayed. Tasneem and G’ulom aren’t buying it. They whisper about the rumors that the helicopter is actually down. Based on the reactions here, they’re either extremely good actors, or neither of them had anything to do with this. A few moments later, resident hottie Scott Ryan cuts the bullshit with G’ulom and tells him the truth. The helicopters are both down and no one knows anything.

Carrie goes back to Bagram because Saul told her to I guess. She is immediately stopped by one of the majors there and her response is “I’m Carrie Mathison,” as if that should mean anything to him. You gotta admire the swagger though. Carrie asks to see the books … again, this is her job now, I don’t know, man. She ends up doing a good job because she realizes that the helicopters were actually switched out. By whom? Some dude named Worley. Where is he? He’s *cough cough* sick. Take me to his room? Not there. But his car? Also not there. Carrie looks like she honestly wants to scream at the situation and I am so with you, girl. Luckily one of the other Army officers thinks he knows where he is. So it’s off to Kabul for another field trip. 

Out in the field, Max and the Hot Marines have made their way to the crash site. There are “large conifers.” In the situation room, HEV shouts at the TV, “What about the President??” Linus is like, “Uh… they can’t hear you dummy,” and at home while watching I actually snorted. Anyway they begin recovering evidence from Chalk Two. No survivors. The president is dead. HEV has now become HEP so he has to take a minute.

Saul calls G’ulom to tell him that he and Not Martha will be preparing a speech and they have to work on it together. G’ulom is not here for this group project. He orders his men to find Haqqani and then tells Tasneem what’s happened. She’s got to get out of Kabul because he can’t guarantee her safety, on account of the ISI basically being in cahoots with the Taliban.

Back on the Kabul field trip, they’re trying to figure out where Worley might be. The Army officer can’t remember since it was dark the last time he came and also he wasn’t much paying attention to street landmarks because “I was getting laid” and “we were drunk, sir.” They find the one thing he can remember, which is a large mural of two eyes, the meaning of which Carrie then dutifully explains to the audience. They finally find Worley’s car and roll up to this house and charge in. Someone uses a periscope and it’s hilarious.

Surprise! There’s a pregnant woman inside and Worley’s there because, well, he impregnated her. And why did they switch the helicopters last minute? Nothing sinister there either. They switch them all the time. They’re way past capacity, the weather always sucks, etc. The Homeland writers sure are pulling the curtain back on the Greatest Fighting Force In the History of the Planet. All of this makes Carrie believe it might have just been a freakish accident, which she relays to Saul over the phone. He tells her to come back to the station.

Mike tells Saul that G’ulom has just ordered two battalions out into the streets to find Haqqani. Because Haqqani is apparently now his BFF, Saul gives him the ol’ heads up. Haqqani swears he wasn’t responsible, he’s been observing the ceasefire. “I believe you,” Saul says. “No one else will.” Everyone’s heads explode because we were sure Saul was gonna say that to Carrie.

Anyhoozles, the Taliban is also threatening to overtake the crash site. This is Not Good. Mike is emphatic that they get as many of their guys out as they can and then drop a thousand-pound bomb on it.

Owens: You want me to obliterate the body of an American President? Mike: Unless you want to see his body dragged through the streets with his dick in his mouth, yeah, I do. Saul: First, gross. Second, we can’t drop a bomb on anything. What about evidence? Mike: FFS, Saul, this isn’t an episode of SVU. No one gives a shit about evidence. Saul: Sorry, I forgot.

At the White House, HEP decided now is a great time to move offices. He’s having his stuff transferred to the Oval Office. Linus’ eyes nearly fall out of his head from rolling so hard. Anyway, he tells HEP he’s got to make a decision.

HEP: Wow, have you ever noticed the carpet in here? It’s really ugly. Linus: Focus, please. Our guys are about to lose control of the site from the Taliban. HEP: What about the uh.. the uh… the rapid— Linus: The QRF won’t arrive in time, even though “quick” is literally a part of their name. HEP: So…? Linus: Jesus Christ, I have to explain everything to you. We gotta drop a bomb. But we need your ok. HEP: This is a military matter. I’m not equipped to make this decision. Linus: I mean, obviously. But also, you’re the commander in chief. The buck stops with you. HEP: Fuck. Linus: Well? HEP: Please make this decision for me. Linus: Ugh, fine. We’re dropping the bomb. Also I’m changing your name to Hot In Over His Head President. See ya later, HIOHHP.

So that’s that I guess. But that is never that with Carrie Mathison. She arrives back at the ops room, incredulous.

Carrie: They’re gonna drop a bomb? Saul: Yep. Carrie: Even though you told them about the problems with the air frames and how this might be an accident and in order to prove that we definitely need the evidence from the crash site?? Saul: That’s right. But we’re out of time. Carrie: Why are we letting this happen? This morning you were lecturing me about “it matters, it matters.” God, you are insufferable. Saul: No one is listening to me now. Carrie: Yeah, how does that feel? Just let me talk to Max. Saul: Fine, here’s the sat phone. Carrie: Max? Max? It’s me. Max: Who is “me”? Oh, Carrie?! Carrie: Listen, you have to get the black box. Saul: Oh my god I just had a deja vu moment of 3.10.

They really are all seriously running out of time. The drone is 90 seconds out, and Max has to get the black box with the flight recording. Because Max is… what’s the word… an angel, he obliges and then gets the fuck out of there. He’s hauling ass when the bomb drops, leveling the whole thing. In the quietest, most haunting voice, Carrie speaks into the phone. “Max?” There’s no answer.

G’ulom never saw an opportunity he didn’t want to take advantage of and marches right up to the lectern at the presidential palace and tells everyone that the presidents are dead, Haqqani was responsible, and he’s just enacted martial law and is currently rounding up everyone that looks like they might be in the Taliban on the streets of Kabul. From a distance, Haqqani sees the checkpoints and roadblocks barring his exit from Kabul and has a momentary car freakout.

Carrie and Saul are sitting dejectedly on the steps of the ops room. Mike informs them that pretty much everyone is dead. Which—they dropped a fucking bomb on the site, what did they expect? Cut to Max and Soto, miraculously both alive. Max decides it’s time to check in with Carrie. Carrie exhales, says “Thank God” over and over again. “Tell me you have the black box,” she says. “It’s orange,” Max deadpans. It’s the greatest exchange to ever happen on this show.

Suddenly, shots come hailing down on them. Carrie’s still on the line but can’t figure out what’s happening. Max turns around to see blood flowing out from Soto’s neck, his eyes still wide open. He rises slowly, puts his hands up, stares down the barrel of a gun and the Taliban soldier holding it. “Max?” Carrie calls. “Max?”

[hellyeahomeland]

“Deception Indicated”: an HYH recap

[The very final season of this show really does seem the perfect time to kick off a new series on this blog! Over the years I’ve expressed my dislike of recap culture, so I don’t know why I think this is a good idea. But I do! My goal here is to offer something a bit more light-hearted than Director’s Chair, a bit broader than the extremely niche Things Carrie Wore This Week, and much less time-consuming than listening to a 1-hour podcast. Let me know what you think! --Sara]

Our final season opens with Carrie, sleepless in bed, recounting some truly horrific memories of her time in capture. How does one describe this? She screams “not the coat, not the coat!” presumably talking about a straitjacket. She has what I can only describe as an imaginary orgasm, surrounded by wooden figurines to which she whispers, “don’t be scared!” Are we on the set of Girl, Interrupted? I have to believe this is the footage Claire talked about filming in 2018 that never made it into the final cut of “Paean to the People.” It’s all very…. wtf. I really don’t need it in my life.

Carrie has a mini anxiety attack (episode count: 1), because honestly who wouldn’t. She’s in Landstuhl Medical Center. Which is where Brody was before they brought him home in the pilot, and where Quinn was before Saul and Carrie effectively killed him too. ~memories~

Carrie asks for a half of a Lorazepam before returning back to bed. Apparently she’s seen our Twitter bio and feels the same! 

We then get the rarest of Homeland occurrences: a montage! This montage has EVERYTHING! Carrie running, Carrie bun, Carrie getting her blood pressure taken, Carrie wearing an oversize sweater, Carrie going to meet Doug who is not Doug.

Instead it’s some hard ass CIA man Jim, who is Doug’s supervisor, believes Carrie is a Russian agent, and also apparently can’t read her file because he is asking her the same questions she’s already been asked 439 times. Three things:

1) This scene reminds me so much of a point in “Game On,” when Carrie is trying to get out of the psychiatric hospital and does her very best “I’m so grateful and agreeable and kind” act—which is an act, but also not really an act? She declines water, and makes small talk with Jim, and actually attempts a smile.

2) This scene also has a strong callback to the scene in the pilot where Carrie is questioning Brody at Langley. It’s intercut with flashbacks, similar to Brody with Nazir, and most importantly has a defining air of “hmm what is actually going on?”

3) Carrie sighs and sucks in her teeth at least 76 times. I LOVE YOU, CARRIE!!

Carrie is understandably pissed at Jim’s accusations but we don’t sit with that for too long because now we’re in Qatar, with Saul. He is still, for some unknown reason, the National Security Advisor to Beau Bridges. There is a scene where Saul explains what’s going on to a group of journalists and it has so much exposition and information-dumping in it it’s kind of admirable.

I had to watch this twice to understand what was happening but it goes like this: America is helping facilitate peace talks between Afghanistan and the Taliban, because it would really like to get out of Afghanistan after 20 years. But no one really trusts anyone else, and everyone is still pissed at everyone for literally everything that’s happened in the last half century. So yeah, things are going great! And this episode has TWO references to the embassy attack in Islamabad in season four, in case we’d forgotten (how could I ever).

Then the Afghan VP G’ulom  is like FUCK THIS and calls a surprise press conference and says they’ll never agree to giving up Taliban POWs and don’t you know that Afghanistan is a lion? The dude who plays G’ulom has probably the best voice of any actor I’ve ever heard. The way he says “lions” over and over gives me chills.

So now Saul is like, hmmm what do I do?… Oh, I know, my homie Carrie! She’s just the person for this task in a war zone. Also the last time I asked her to do something like this it ended very well for everyone involved.

Saul goes to Germany to say exactly this and Doug and Jim look at him like he’s basically crazy, which he is. But Carrie is all in, but she’s still basically crazy too.

MEANWHILE, Max is also en route to Afghanistan for a mission. That’s right, Max gets his own band of hot Marines this year too! At least one of them looks like he would have been on Friday Night Lights 10 years ago. Mr. FNL thinks the mission is bullshit because it’s very dangerous and he has no idea what’s going on. That makes two of us, Mr. FNL! Also there is a hat.

The next day Carrie is in Kabul, being very Cool Girl with Mike Dunne (good lord I wish his name was Nick Dunne just for funsies), the Kabul Chief of Station. He introduces her to Jenna, who is…. both deer-in-headlights and also trying desperately to be Cool Girl too? This CIA culture is toxic. There is a glorious scene where Jenna is taking Carrie to her room and Carrie is forced to be in an elevator with her and is this the first time Carrie’s been alone with another woman who’s not a blood relative in years? Carrie’s annoyance is palpable. She tells Jenna to stop whining and stop taking no for an answer. The Carrie Mathison way™!

Tasneem smokes a cigarette while waiting for Saul, and it is glorious. I actually screamed! Saul apologizes for his earlier comments blaming her for Americans dying in the Islamabad embassy attack. In true Saul fashion, he uses this as a segue to accuse her of tanking the current peace talks, implying that he needs an “adult” at the table and GOD WHY DON’T YOU JUST WANT PEACE?? Tasneem is like, HOLD UP!!! You left the region when the USSR left, then you came roaring back after 9/11. Also, we fucking live here! We know that if the US leaves now, the Afghan state—WHICH BY THE WAY YOU BUILT—will collapse and the country will enter into a civil war, and all of this is not PEACEFUL the last time I checked. Saul just kind of stares at her, because she’s actually right and he knows it.

Cut to Carrie, doing all of her most “old school” spy tricks, including: something with a dial tone that this millennial does not understand, dressing up as someone else, flicking on lights as some sort of code, exiting through the kitchen, and riding a dusty motorcycle. I know it was a stunt double but Carrie just revealing her ability to ride a motorcycle after 8 years is thrilling. It’s like when she showed up in Tehran in season three with different hair and spoke French fluently.

She goes to meet an old asset, who drives her to meet another old asset, who it turns out is dead. Killed five months ago for being a traitor to the Americans. Carrie has another anxiety attack (episode count: 2) as it dawns on her that she probably gave up his name in the Russian prison.

Back on the Afghan mountains, we finally learn just what the hell Max is doing. It involves a decoy rock that has some sort of computer or listening device under it. Apparently they have no way to tap into Haqqani’s phone and Max is gonna save the day and get that fixed. We have to stan.

Carrie gets back to her hotel room and Mike Dunne is waiting for her, very concerned dad. Doesn’t Mike know Carrie already has a fake dad who feigns concern about her well-being? Their conversation goes something like this: 

Mike: don’t give me that ask for forgiveness, not permission crap!  Carrie: lmao dude, I don’t need your permission. I am here because Saul asked me, no one even knows who you are.  Mike: we have THREE TEAMS looking for you.  Carrie: I could not give fewer fucks.  Mike: ...  Carrie: ...But, by the way, how real is Russian/Taliban cooperation? Like… do they share advisors… or what about intelligence? Say, intelligence given up by former CIA officers while in a Russian prison?

Oh, she leaves that last part out. I’m struck here both by how bad of a liar Carrie is and also how good of a liar she is. She brings up Russia for some unknown reason (doesn’t she know that looks really shady?) and then nods her head, does the “oh, I see” routine, eyes darting… but then comes up with a perfectly believable cover story. There is a strange moment where Carrie and Mike Dunne both sort of agree to drop it and I don’t know why but I had this palpable feeling that there is way more to this relationship from pre-season four days (I guess that means there was a shift from concerned dad to ... something else). After he leaves, Carrie has another panic attack (episode count: 3).

Max and Mr. FNL and the rest of the crew have finally made their way back down the mountain but the hardest part remains. There is an excruciating sequence where, one by one, they make their way across this exposed field. Eventually the Taliban fighters do see them. There are gunshots but somehow, miraculously, they all make it out alive. Mr. FNL says Max is their “frosted lucky charm” and Max only stares at them because the mission? It was actually a success. They’re all up in Haqqani’s comms now.

The next morning, Carrie and Jenna are at the meeting to see G'ulom. Jenna—unwisely!—asks if Carrie is ok. She knows from Mike she was out late last night. Carrie gives a terse “I’m fine” before mentioning, oh by the way you know you’re just gonna wait outside of this meeting like a silly chaperone, right? Did Mike tell you that too? 

Again, she doesn’t actually say this, it’s just coded Carrie language, dripping with passive aggression. I suppose when you’re brought up in a toxic, misogynist work culture, you’re probably trained to believe that every woman who is nice to you just wants something from you. (And Carrie may be right but my God is it amusing/depressing to see Jenna, dejected, plop herself down and sit silently with her hands in her lap.)

Carrie paces and does her trademark Brody finger tapping outside G’ulom’s office… when out walks a Russian delegation. Including one Mr. Yevgeny Gromov. WHO LITERALLY WINKS AT HER. I have to say I find Costa Ronin extremely hot, 75% of that attraction being that he wears a turtleneck 50% of the time. 

His presence sparks a memory in Carrie: he was the one she implored to stay in the Russian prison, to not leave her here (was this a shock to anyone else, or just Carrie). She goes all wide-eyed, starts breathing heavily, and has her fourth panic attack of the episode. Cut to black.

[hellyeahomeland]

So after that scene S2E11, when Carrie takes a few moments to herself with Abu Nazir's body, what do you think she was thinking?For the most part, she cried with relief, happy for Brody - for helping to get rid of the terrorist, keep the deal and save her life

Jacob Clifton time! 

THE BODY

It's not just the future. Sometimes it's the past we travel to; find ourselves stuck in. She's not about glory, she's not about pride. Her service is much more humble than that. She never wanted to be the girl who saved the world: She's tasked with being the girl who didn't end it. Whose power holds her to that standard? This body is how she accomplishes that.

Part of her, the loudest possible and loneliest piece of her, lives eleven years ago. Horror and smoke and blood, all the time. "You must be happy," they'll all say. "You must feel so satisfied." But she is neither of those things. She is a girl who left the brightest part of herself back in the past, screaming for help. Begging to come home. There is a grim pleasure in it, but not satisfaction, because this isn't about a job well done.

It's not even about war. It's a rescue mission. This is how that girl comes home.

[hellyeahomeland]

What is the (causal) relationship between Carrie Mathison’s bipolar disorder and her relationship with Brody?

In the early seasons, Carrie used sex and alcohol to self-medicate. 

But her bipolar disorder is not what attracts her to Brody. 

She saw him...

She swallows; she came this close to vomiting, or punching him. He built his life so perfectly, so carefully, that nobody should have seen in. And she did, and she wormed her black little heart in there and tore it apart. He had total power, complete mastery over his life, his home, his mission, and she walked in and ripped it apart without even caring. She saw so clearly that it burned. And in the end, he was able to turn it around, cage her up in doubt, and say, "I am the one in control here." And it nearly killed her.

....and she loved him anyway

There's so much relief in it. Watching their bodies unfold from under the weight of it. It's the first conversation they've ever had, these two. These two lonely people, alone in this room. His face, that cold still face, comes alive. Sex, and rage, and murder, and hatred. It does tricks you never knew it could do. It curls like a fist.

He is so much smarter than you ever knew, that's the part that scared me the most; his eyes glitter like diamonds and you can see him there, clearly, for the first time. This is the man Carrie woke up tonight, this monster. This is the man Carrie loved, sight unseen.