#research notes are hell i hate them and every time i am forced to interact with them it makes me dislike them more :') | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

bluecoloreddreams · 5 years ago

Text

(Disclaimer: this contains spoilers for the Fruits Basket and Fruits Basket: Another manga, as well as taking into consideration tidbits from Takaya’s twitter.)

So, okay, first of all we have to address the YMMV aspect: Some people don’t like this ship. As long as they’re respectful, I have no beef with that. I’m well aware that some people cannot/choose not to make the distinction between “real life” and “fiction”— I have the luxury of this choice, so some of the “problematic” ships/character aspects within Furuba don’t bother me (for the most part). It’s fiction, and I’m aware of this.

Again, some people cannot/do not make this distinction, and that’s none of my business because that’s their personal life. I’m aware that people dislike aspects of Akigure, and that’s fine.

Personally? I’ve been reading Furuba since like, basically the dawn of time. I was reading scans on, like, MSN groups. I remember a friend at church (of all places) telling me about the Akito reveal because I was behind on updates. It’s literally engrained upon my shipping heart at this point.

(Headcanons ahoy! Like literally, this is all headcanon/my perspective on the series as a whole. YMMV/YKINMK/Dead Dove, the whole works, if you know you know

YES I wrote it like it’s an actual research paper because I have No Chill At All, please forgive me. It’s long and pretty rambling.)

Addressing the first elephant in the room: Given my limited interactions with the fandom, my impression of Akigure from a generalized fan POV is that it’s pretty divisive. Every episode she comes up there are “I hate this kid” comments and I cry

Akito is a favorite of mine, and it’s impossible for anime-only’s to make a deep, informed call on her character. On the other hand, a lot of manga-readers dislike her too.

So, why am I talking about whether or not people like Akito as a character?

I’m of the opinion that it impacts people’s ability to view her character arc as one that deserves a happy ending. That she doesn’t deserve to have love, happiness, or forgiveness, all of which are given to her when she and Shigure finally end up together on equal footing. (Do I think the way it’s rushed in the original Furuba ending? Yeah, but hey. Sensei had like a huge ensemble cast to wrap ends on. Now there’s Furubana to look to and it’s just chef’s kiss.)

There’s a mental aspect in this, involving the dichotomy between “reality” and “fiction”.

There is absolutely zero argument that are a lot of things that Akito does that uh, listen, if it was IRL she’d be in jail! Jail for terror baby! Jail for life!

Fortunately, Fruits Basket is a work of fiction. These characters aren’t real, they’re idealized brushstrokes of human nature created to move a plot and a message along.

That’s why Akito and Shigure work as a couple and as characters:

They’re both incredibly deep characters that get passed off as one-dimensional by a lot of people (and the original anime, woof). Some of it is again, because anime-only fans just don’t have the whole story, since Akito’s arc is one that builds gradually until it hits a point where all hell breaks loose, which we are a ways away from.

So what’s the message that their relationship and characters are supposed to pass on?

Well, it breaks down into two categories: world building and thematic arcs. The latter is more important and what I’ll be focusing on, while the former is just a little spice that I, personally enjoy, and won’t really talk about in depth. (It’s that the magical realism in Furuba sets up the idea of soulmates, it’s just…. Something I enjoy and it’s really heacanony, so I can’t really justify spending more words on it!)

When discussing Fruits Baskets in any capacity, I feel like we must first keep in mind the thematic “lessons” of the series:

There is an inherent loneliness in living as a human being, since loss, grief, and hurt are indelible parts of the human experience, and learning to cope with these feelings in a compassionate manner is a life-long lesson

People react differently to the loneliness of existence, and their reactions are based upon their personalities, their upbringings, and their own choices

Everyone is capable of change and learning, if they choose to do so, however:

Personal agency is taught, but in the vacuum of positive reinforcement, the ability of a person to choose to be compassionate is stifled or outright inaccessible

Therefore, if you are not taught to deal with your grief and existence outside of others, your ability to connect may become warped, manipulative, or abusive, and this is not the fault of the child but instead the parental figure

Eventually, you will be aware of your actions, and then it is your burden to choose—some people do not take this choice (the head maid, Ren, Kyo’s bio dad, Rin’s parents, Sawa’s mother in Furubana)

Abuse has long lasting effects on the psyche and can be physical, emotional, and/or mental in nature and must be dealt with in order to grow as a person

“Dealt with” does not mean that it goes away, but that it is acknowledged and given a positive outlet (Yuki’s garden, Aaya’s shop, Rin’s art, Momiji’s violin playing)

Forgiveness is not linear

Forgiving yourself is a long and arduous process, and happens independent of other people’s forgiveness

This is really brought to the forefront in Fruits Basket: Another, when Shiki talks about how his mother interacts with the rest of the Sohma family. It’s shown she’s done what she can to make amends, but recognizes that while she can individually hold relationships with certain family members, as a whole, it's best if she allows them to be away from her.

This is a whole tangent on its own, but there’s a certain blanket of casual forgiveness given to Akito by the entirety of the shown Zodiac in Furubana, in that they trust that she’s raised a kind and thoughtful son and allow him the grace of his own family.

Again, in Takaya’s tweets post-series that acknowledges that Akito’s friends with Uo-chan, despite her relationship with Kureno (and it shows a depth of awareness on Kureno’s part that he stays away

People flourish in environments where love and positive reinforcement is given freely, even when people are in the wrong

This doesn’t mean that no one is ever scolded: see Komaki and Kakeru, Kisa and Hiro, Hatori chews out Shigure all the time, but never ceases being his confidant

So okay, that’s A Lot. But every single character in Furuba follows these themes in their own manner, because the series is about healing and learning how to heal from abuse, neglect, and isolation. Someone’s gonna have to be doing it. Point blank, the end, to tell a story there must be conflict, and boy howdy, there’s a lot of conflict in Furuba. Every personal thematic arc in the series ends up tying into a romantic one, because Furuba is a romcom drama.

There’s a loop that goes “personal betterment”->”crush”/”friendship”->”conflict”->”personal growth”/”relationship growth” in the series for every character. That’s the bread and butter of Furuba.

But anyway. To the question:

I love them because they work, they’re both their own people with their own narrative focuses, motivations, conflicts, and flaws. Both Shigure and Akito are believable in their own right in the context of Furuba, and I think Takaya did wonderfully in crafting a story where their personalities mesh well and give each other reasons to better themselves.

To talk about them together, you have to talk about them separately.

I’m gonna start with Shigure because, truthfully?

I just want to lament about how often he’s simply passed off as either comic relief or absolute trash. He’s so underestimated!

“He’s a joke of a grown man… He is reliable and I trust him.” (Another, v. 3)

He’s incredibly intelligent when it comes to interpersonal relationships, which is why he’s able to do what he does. He’s also incredibly kind—no one made him take in Yuki or Kyo or Tohru. He could have just went “ah, I’d prefer not to” and moved on. But he didn’t, made up some bullshit so Haru would feel like taking in Yuki was a transaction, and let me just tell you, I am the same age as Shigure and if you gave ME three teenagers to be the guardian of?! It would be a full on disaster.

He’s actually incredibly trustworthy (if he wants to be), insightful, and a genuinely good guardian despite his jokes and wisecracking.

He forced Kyo to go back to school, knowing full well it would be good for him. He lets a whole host of children run rampant through his home. Kids who actually enjoy his presence. He’s shown as having a good familial relationship with Rin (who tries to warp that for her own means), Kisa, Haru, and Momiji. His advice to Tohru is genuine, insightful, and ridiculously helpful.

Shigure is good with people. He gets up at the crack of dawn to drive Shiki to see Sawa in Furubana. He’s who Mutsuki and Hajime immediately go “holy shit you need to do something about this” to when they find out Shiki’s getting nasty notes about Akito. He’s who Shiki goes to when Sawa fell down the stairs as a child. As much as Shiki and the others make fun of Shigure, he’s obviously someone who’s trustworthy. And that’s not some new development, he’s always been trustworthy in regards to those he loves. No one asked him to show up to Tohru’s teacher conference, he volunteered. Like this dude loves people, he’s the dog spirit after all, and rightly so.

Does he have his own motivations? Of course! But so does everyone else in Furuba. He’s a complex character, man!

He laughs and jokes a lot because he’s projecting this image of a laid back, doofus. When you think about who he’s friends with, the whole middling goofball act makes a lot of sense. Just like some of Ayame’s over the top behavior is a defense mechanism, I believe that Shigure casts himself as a generally unappealing man to keep himself safe from advances when he was in school, but also to temper the wildly unequal personalities of his other two friends. He’s the sort of person who would just go “eh, whatever makes it easy”, and that’s just how he is.

He doesn’t mean the creepy school girl thing, it’s a bit and I think the only people who don’t realize he’s running a bit are Yuki, Kyo, and Tohru who are absolutely too stupid to realize he’s playing them for reactions. He thinks it’s funny.

Anyway:

When the older Zodiac had the dream of Shigure, Shigure is the only one who made the active choice to seek out that feeling. His soul was touched, and he decided that he wanted that and only that. This doesn’t necessarily mean he went full Jacob from Breaking Dawn, but it does mean he acknowledged there was a bond, and he wanted it.

When you get into the technicalities of the curse, it’s mentioned that their Zodiac spirits influence how they interact with Akito, and that going against her can cause physical and emotional pain. Yuki cries when meeting her, and it’s mentioned that that’s just the normal reaction for the Zodiacs.

It’s hard to say how much of their early interactions are influenced by the curse, but it’s obvious that Shigure has genuine fondness for her. She wasn’t always absolutely broken, as shown in Yuki’s backstory, and was a precocious child, one who sought affection openly.

Shigure has an indulgent personality, and is shown to love being adored. Guess who loves him! Akito! Guess who wants lots and lots of affection! Akito!

Their personalities are very well matched as they get older: They’re both intelligent and coy. They both have fairly sharp tongues when needed, and have no qualms about doing whatever it takes to get what they want.

Shigure wants Akito to be independent from the curse. He’s made it clear to her he doesn’t want to be her father, he doesn’t want to be her friend, he wants to be her lover. Those are boundaries that Akito’s never been given before, and his frankness with her and his jealousy with Kureno is something she agonizes over, simply because she’s never been given any sort of serious interpersonal boundaries, or repercussions for her actions. He’s always kept himself separate from her, because of those boundaries, even when they were children.

That’s important. It opens the door to the idea that her actions have consequences, and is a persistent nagging in the back of her mind.

“Even though you hadn’t realized it, I was waiting for that day.” (ch 101)

For the bulk of the series, the only person who sees Akito as a person separate from the curse, and sees a future where she can grow is Akito. He has an extraordinary amount of patience for her, and forgives her for a lot.

There are only two incidents that Shigure cannot forgive: Her sleeping with Kureno, and at the very end of the series, I’m of the full opinion that if Akito had pushed Tohru off the cliff, Shigure would have been done with her. Look at that expression, that is the look of someone who is toeing the line of throwing away all his hopes and dreams. If she really had pushed Tohru, I just...... The series would have taken a much darker tone.

OKAY that’s enough about our favorite terrible author! (Okay, an aside, Shigure, please share your work ethic, you goof off so much but you’ve published so many things…how…)

ONTO AKITO!

“I’ve finally realized… she hated her own shallowness all this time, from the very start.” // “It’s frightening because you have no choices.” (ch 121)

A lot of people dislike Akito because she, for the bulk of the manga, is violent, manipulative and just downright unpleasant. And that’s fine, but it’s not the point of her arc or the themes of the manga. (It is, however, the point of Rin’s: you don’t have to forgive everyone.)

She’s not the only violent person in the series. If we as readers can forgive Uo-chan and Kyoko, or even Hana-chan for her moment of violence, why can we not extend the same grace to Akito?

Violence is often shown as a knee-jerk reaction to fear and sadness: Kyoko, Uo, Hana, Kyo, Rin, and Akito all react violently to negative situations and feelings. Even Kisa reacts violently when she’s at her worst, biting both Haru and Tohru when she’s in her tiger form, which is shown to actually cause pain like a real tiger would. (It’s played for laughs, but has anyone been bitten for realsies by a house cat? That hurts! How much more would a house-cat sized tiger hurt!!!)

Out of all of them, Hanajima and Kisa are the only characters to show immediate remorse, because they have what the others don’t: A positive support system. Once positive role models and support systems are in place, all of the others begin to learn how to react differently and ease out of the knee-jerk reactions that were ingrained in them.

It’s made explicit in the manga that you have to be taught how to react positively, you have to learn and choose to be good, to be friendly, to love yourself outside of others’ perceptions of yourself. Look at Yuki’s arc. Look at Uo-chan’s. Kyoko’s.

Yuki sums it up nicely in the last chapter of the manga, where he tells Tohru that she taught the Zodiac how to become human. She allows them to grow into people who can make the choice to be loving, compassionate individuals.

Just because Akito doesn’t interact positively with Tohru for the bulk of the manga, it doesn’t make it any less true:

Akito is kept in a juvenile state of being: No one teaches her to suck it up, that the world exists outside of herself, that other people are people and not things. In fact, she’s actively encouraged to act the way she does. She’s incredibly broken, between the maids of the Sohma estate just… allowing her to do whatever the fuck she wants and her absolutely jacked up relationship with Ren and Akira. She has no moral compass at all. No one bothers to teach her that her actions have serious consequences.

She knows, in a roundabout way that hey, these people don’t like me. There’s a serious mental dissonance between what she latently knows—these are all people with no connection to her other than the bond of the curse. This is why Tohru is able to break through to her at the climax of the manga:

She knows she’s wrong, but no one has ever told her she’s wrong but understood why she’s doing it. Akito just didn’t have the words to explain herself. What do children do when they cannot communicate? They lash out. Kids will bite, scratch, yell, kick, fall to the floor and have screaming tantrums out of frustration. Eventually, most kids learn that there are other ways to express frustration, and move along. (Not all, though, but most.)

Akito was taught that this is acceptable, allowable, and is her right as god. She is actively broken and kept that way through the neglect of the Sohma family maids, Ren’s abuse, and how Akira framed her role in the Zodiac.

I can go on and on and on and on why the way Akito was treated for her role in the Zodiac by her parents and the rest of the Sohma estate was just awful. I hate it, it’s terrible, she never had a chance to learn and grow and be the genuinely thoughtful woman we know she grows into.

She doesn’t force her path of forgiveness onto others and is fully cognizant of what she did, the repercussions of her actions, and lives her entire life after the curse breaks trying to right what she did wrong.

“Even if she gets hurt, she says she deserves it. She tells me not to let it bother me, but… I’ve always, always loved her so much.” (Another, ch. 13)

Tohru opens the door for Akito. She extends her hand, offers her friendship despite having seen the absolute worst of Akito. She tells Akito that everyone is lonely, everyone wants bonds, and acknowledges Akito’s worst fears, that Akito herself is selfish and dirty for wanting something assured and unending because she, Tohru, herself is dirty and selfish. Tohru knows what Akito has done, knows she’s injured some of her beloved friends, had plans to lock up Kyo, hurt Hatori.

Tohru still forgives her. One of Tohru’s striking traits in the manga is that she is suffering, every day, she struggles with the grief of losing her mother and the fear of being alone in the world. Through nothing but her own empathy and realization that loneliness is universal, she’s able to forgive people. She forgives Akito and cares for her, and through Tohru, Akito is introduced to the realization that she’s been wrong and that maybe, she shouldn’t be forgiven.

Shigure also forgives her, and this is the crux of their ship.

To me, that itself is wildly important.

They’ve always circled around each other, and Shigure has always been waiting for Akito to be able to come to him again, in full control of her life and choices. He wants Akito the woman, not Akito the god.

He’s been waiting for the day Akito can meet him as an equal. Akito wants it too, and has wanted him to turn and see her for a very very long time. But she’s been terrified, the entire time, that when he does see her as herself, Shigure won’t like what he sees, and will leave. She’s aware of what she’s done post-curse, she’s aware of the impacts it will have on the former Zodiac members, and she’s aware that once the “bonds” of god and the animals is gone, there may not be anyone left for her.

Neither of them are under any illusions at the end of the series: Akito knows she has to atone for what she did, Shigure knows she has to learn to grow into a person who can function alone. They both know that there are people who are against them changing the oppressive structure of the Sohma family.

Neither of them care. There are things that they want, together, and it’s enough. There’s a whole new world for them to explore and learn about. And in Furubana, this is shown to be a lifelong effort on their parts:

“She said after meeting me, she learned so many things for the first time. She smiled happily as she said it.” (Another, #13)

To close, I’d like to take a moment to talk about the curse and Shigure, and how he set things in motion.

Without Shigure, the curse would have devolved on its own, yes, but the circumstances would not have allowed for the freedom the Zodiac had at the end of the manga. It would not have ended with Akito being able to learn and live freely. Allowing Tohru into the Sohma family cracked open a door to compassion and kindness none of them had ever experienced before, because the Sohma family seems to exist in a vacuum of stability and love.

It wasn’t that Shigure knew instantly that Tohru was kind and loving and thoughtful, if anything, his read on her was “completely normal, albeit strange, teenage girl who obviously has a rough life”. But she was normal, she was from outside the Sohmas, and he knew that was enough. No one in the family was stepping up to change the status quo and how stifling and abusive it was, so he did it himself.

He did it because he loved Akito.

Not because he felt bad for himself, or Hatori, or any of the others, but merely because he loved her to the point of manipulation. It backfired in his face, because he got a big ol’ dose of “loving and respecting” juice from Tohru, but he still got the end he wanted.

What I mean to say is best summarized in chapter 123:

“It would be nice to live in a kind world, without any troubles, without any fear, without hurting anybody, without ever being hurt, only doing the right thing. I wish I could reach this kind world by the shortest path possible. … “That’s wrong”, or “that’s stupid”: If it’s someone else’s life it’s so easy to make such irresponsible comments. ...It would be great, but it doesn’t exist. … Little by little, walking one step at a time, is all you can do.”

We get to experience the roughest part of the path with Akito and Shigure, we got to watch them be terrible people who were lonely and in want of love struggle and learn how to get up and move on.

They tease each other, Shigure is thoughtful of the distinction between “the person Akito was raised to be” and “the person who Akito is”. He’s seen her at her messiest, and she’s seen him at his most jealous. They still chose each other, despite the hurt they caused each other, and others. They make up for it, reflect, and live a life that demonstrates that they have learned. They have friends who are thoughtful and loving and would not hesitate to drop everything and help them, lend an ear when they’re frustrated, help them not to make the same mistakes.

And then we get to see them be wonderful, kind, thoughtful, loving parents in Furubana.

We got to see their adorable, kind, compassionate child be friends with the children of the people Akito hurt, because everyone in the former Zodiac’s family collectively decided “never again, no”.

Their child adores them. Shiki in Furubana #13 radiates love for Akito and Shigure the same way Mutsuki and Hajime do.

They are genuinely good parents, even when they tease Shiki, and I think that is testament for how good they are for each other and how much they’ve changed as adults.

I think that’s enough of a reason to ship them, don’t you?

#Mitkun writes stuff #fruits basket manga spoilers #fruits basket another #fruits basket spoilers #akigure #fruits basket akito #fruits basket shigure

66 notes · View notes

echodrops · 6 years ago

Text

Why You Should Be Shipping Shigaraki/Ochako

No, no, hang on a second--I see that side-eye you are throwing hard enough to ruin your peripheral vision. I feel the shade you’re casting like a thundercloud rolling in. But you didn’t read wrong. I meant what I said.

I’ve never made a secret of my love for rare pairs, but for once in my damn lonely shipper’s hellscape of a life I would love it if my favorite crack ship in a fandom had more than two fics (I’m NOT JOKING) to its name.

What can I do to correct this egregious oversight before the entire summer passes with nary a whisper of the most romantic ship since Juliet wherefore art thou’d Romeo?

Well, what else? I was forged in the fires of early 2000s’ fandom, and I know that desperate times call for desperate measures meticulously researched and extremely rose-tinted

Shipping Manifestos.

Fam, I am about to blow your minds, align your chakras, open your third eyes--because Shigaraki and Ochako is the most slept on ship in the entire BNHA fandom, and if you give me ten minutes like an hour (holy shit, this is long), I can prove it.

Disclaimer: @mistystarshine is the enabler who convinced me to write this but we were both enabled by @ohmytheon’s Reconfigure (on AO3) so you know who’s really responsible.

Spoilers to Chapter 231, watch out.

First off, I know what you’re thinking. Maybe you’re still reading from pure shock. Maybe you’re doubt-reading to get your daily fix of internet skepticism. Maybe you’re waiting for me to say these two characters are meant to be because she wears pink and his hair is blue. Maybe you’re already freaking out about age gaps but like that is what future fics and AUs are actually for!!!

I’m not telling you to give up your IzuOcha or Kacchako. I’m not gonna pry ShigaDabi out of your eager little villain stan hands. But if you’ve never considered multi-shipping, now is the time my friends, because I’m totally serious heartfelt here! I’ve got VALID reasons for shipping Shigako--ten of them, in fact:

1) Midoriya is taken for granted as Uraraka’s love interest--but Shigaraki is incredibly similar to him.

There are reams of meta on the parallels between Midoriya and Shigaraki, with plenty people noting how Horikoshi specifically set the two up as foils to examine similar character development despite their drastically different circumstances. Yet for all the meta pointing out that Shigaraki and Midoriya are basically the same character through a mirror darkly, I’ve never seen anyone bear that thought out to its logical conclusion: there are traits Uraraka admires in Midoriya that are extremely apparent in Shigaraki too.

Multiple times in the manga, Uraraka expresses admiration for Deku’s resolve and refusal to give up. His determination in the face of impossible odds and his sense of dedication to his cause are powerful motivating factors in Ochako’s storyline, and Deku’s behavior--his willingness to charge straight into danger and his unflinching pursuit of his goal to be #1--have basically become the standard to which Uraraka holds herself.

Her crush is literally founded on an appreciation for Midoriya’s drive, earnestness, and constant growth as a person.

But these are all traits that Shigaraki also explicitly possesses. Shigaraki’s unwavering resolve is so strong that even though everyone around him says dream is unattainable... they follow him anyway.

Ujiko flat out tells Shigaraki he’s chasing a pipe dream, but he’s willing to come along for the ride strictly because of how committed Shigaraki is to making that dream a reality. The strength of Tomura’s conviction alone persuaded a collection of the most volatile and difficult personalities in the manga to band together and become found family the most well-known anti-establishment organization in all of Japan.

Shigaraki never, even in the face of overwhelming threat, backs down from a challenge, and he approaches each impossible task with absolutely as much effort, ferocity, and refusal to quit as Deku. He is just as dedicated, just as much of a shounen protagonist main character, and just as willing to push himself above and beyond as Deku.

The traits that motivated Uraraka to become the character she is today, many of the exact same traits that formed her crush on Midoriya, are all there in Shigaraki. In another world, the person who inspired Uraraka to go “Plus Ultra” could be Tomura himself, and if 1) no sense of self-preservation, 2) ZERO CHILL, and 3) dogged obsession are what Uraraka finds attractive, Shigaraki clearly has 'em covered. Oh no, he’s meeting all my standards.

2) Being serious though, Ochako’s role in the plot would be vastly improved by more meaningful interactions with the antagonists, even if just in battle.

I’ve written before about how badly the writing of BNHA treats Ochako, and why her constantly being out-of-focus is a hallmark of the genre’s crippling inability to handle dynamic female characters, but it bears repeating: in her current position in the story, Uraraka’s character has minimal agency. She exists to fill the role of Deku’s love interest (at worst) and an emotional crutch (at best). Again, absolutely no hate on the IzuOcha ship--it’s clearly canon endgame and “wholesome” I guess is what they’re calling it nowadays. But the way IzuOcha’s being written in canon is actually the worst possible thing that could happen to Uraraka’s individual character, because Ochako’s crush on Deku has been given virtually no bearing on the story’s main plot and allows Horikoshi to consistently reduce Uraraka’s personal accomplishments to “inspirations from Deku” (in order to, likely, fulfill young male readers’ fantasy of having a girl fixated on them).

Is Uraraka about to do something cool in the manga? Wait for her comment about being motivated by Deku.

Does Uraraka actually get to see some action and get involved in a fight? Wait for someone to bring up her feelings for Deku.

Is Deku about to have a dramatic clash with the story’s villains to advance the main plotline? Wait for Ochako to entirely vanish (at worst) or get sidelined into a three panel clip where she’ll use the same martial art move she’s been using since like chapter 10 (at best).

If I have to read “Gunhead Martial Arts” one more fucking time... Give Ochako her OWN supermoves goddammit!!

The story of the comic itself continually pushes Ochako out of any position of relevance. She’s not one of UA’s strongest fighters (despite having a quirk that, if applied like ANY of the male characters, has incredible potential), she’s not given half the emotional depth or attention even side characters like Kirishima get, and her backstory lacks the development many of the male characters’ get (I’m looking at you, Todoroki).

As a “good girl,” she isn’t allowed to get her hands dirty like Toga, she isn’t allowed to get as bloodied or ugly as any of the boys, and she can never be allowed to surpass the main male characters in coolness or plot relevance because girls can be “heroes” but they can’t be The Hero™. (I’m literally gagging, guys.)

Which is EXACTLY why a plot involving Shigaraki and Ochako--in ANY capacity, even just a flat out fight against each other!--would actually be a fan-fucking-tastic addition to BNHA.

Skip the token Toga vs. Ochako chick fight where they squabble over who loves Izuku more. Let Toga talk to Izuku as herself for once. Let Uraraka throw down with the League’s leader. At least once, Horikoshi? Just once?

Literally any form of plot that puts Shigaraki and Ochako into contact would mean moving Uraraka into a more central position within the manga’s plot, would boost her screen-time, increase the likelihood of her contributing to the story’s primary conflict, and would give her more to do and emotionally engage with than just repeating the same lines about Deku being amazing on an endless loop. There is untapped character development potential in spades here if Uraraka was given chance to genuinely interact with the other half of the story’s cast!

Give👏 Uraraka👏 something👏 meaningful👏 to do!👏

Putting the story’s foremost female character on out there on the frontlines with the manga’s actual main character antagonist would finally break her out of the mold she’s been forced into by genre stereotypes and set her on an even playing field with the male heroes at last.

A meaningful encounter with Shigaraki could be Ochako’s ticket to being treated respectfully by the story itself (and hell if giving underappreciated characters a real place in the world isn’t Tomura’s freakin’ calling card already).

3) Okay, I know the words “subverting expectations” leave a bad taste in everyone’s mouth nowadays, but there is a huge difference between “throwing inexplicable plot twists at the audience just for shock factor” and “averting stale cliches in an emotionally rewarding manner.” Sure, cliches do exist for a reason, but there are still many instances where actively avoiding a cliche plotline is a great choice. A shounen manga’s token love interest ending up with someone other than the hero--namely with a (reformed) villain--would be an interesting flip on the trite “hero gets the girl” script.

Look, we all know how it goes: Hero clashes with Bad Guy. They duke it out all over Kingdom Come. RIP like fifty square city blocks. The Hero wins, heads home triumphant, sweeps his Princess off her feet, and sails off into the hero rankings sunset. End of the same story we’ve seen a million times. Sometimes it’s done well and the audience is left satisfied. Other times, the heroine involved is reduced to the hero’s reward, less person than wish fulfillment. In either case, tying up a romantic subplot with a hero is the go-to way of resolving female characters’ storylines and, at this point, pretty much a given in manga, even when the romantic subplot is never given the development it deserves, leaving audiences bewildered at how and why the hook-up actually happened.

I’m not saying every comic should “subvert expectations” and cancel its romantic subplot between the hero and heroine, of course not. But I am saying that it would be pretty refreshing to see something else for once.

By virtue of their role, villains don’t usually “get the girl.” Even redeemed villains rarely end up in happy, healthy, well-written relationships. It’s not impossible but it is unlikely that a series’ designated female lead ever wavers in her attentions from the main hero to a new romantic target.

So it would be pretty cool if one did, if the moral of the story’s romantic subplot wasn’t just "token love interest completes painfully shoehorned romantic gestures.” A good romance with a redeemed ex-villain instead of a hero would take a lot more explanation. It would demand, by its very nature, more work on the author’s part to suspend disbelief. The characters would have to develop an entirely different rapport from the normal interactions between designated love interests, and, to a certain extent, strong character growth would be required in order for such a romance to even get started. There’s more moral complexity and conflict to a subplot like this, and a greater sensation of choice--if the heroine doesn’t have to end with the hero by the end of the story, well hey... That means she could end up with just about anyone. Whoa.

Even more so, in the specific case of Shigaraki, who has lived a life of misery and manipulation, the idea that he could come out on the other side, grow as a person, redeem himself, and eventually enter a healthy relationship with someone who isn’t going to hurt him is an idea I find deeply appealing. I think there are a lot of villain stans, myself included, who see parts of themselves in Shigaraki. If a character who has been so severely impacted by abuse can still heal and ultimately end up happy, to me, that’s a far more hopeful and heart-warming conclusion than the alternatives. I did warn you this manifesto would be rose-tinted, didn’t I?

I want storylines that prove that none of us are beyond saving. That people who make bad choices can still change. That romance isn’t a reward for playing the “right” role. That heroines have options. That there are still pleasant surprises to be found in romance plots.

4) But why Shigaraki and Ochako, in particular? It’s not like they have any remotely shared life experiences--

Oops. Friendly reminder: Ochako is the only major character in the manga besides the villains who is overtly described as, I quote, “poorer than poor.” Todoroki, Yaomomo, and Iida can all make it rain; Kaminari, Mina, and Jirou can afford stylish clothes; Kirishima can drop a stupid amount on night vision googles... Even Midoriya, whose father “works overseas,“ can afford plenty of All Might merchandise. One of the popular fandom theories for a while was that Ochako could be U.A.’s traitor specifically because of her desire to help her parents financially, and I think that most readers at this point can discern a clear divide in BNHA’s society: heroes are the “haves” and villains are the “have nots.” To be a hero in this story is to attend a prestigious school, have access to expensive support items, gear, insurance, fame and glory, etc.

Meanwhile, with the exception of All For One, to be a villain in BNHA’s story is to be marginalized, live in unfit conditions, lack access to basic safety and nutritional resources, and struggle to make ends meet. When ability to thrive in a hero-centric society is synonymous with being a good and worthwhile person, anyone who doesn’t just naturally excel in the hero-driven economy is treated as flawed at best and suspect at worst. Poor characters in the story are ignored, and, as demonstrated with people like Twice, left essentially to fend for themselves.

Uraraka’s status as lower income is mostly played for laughs. She’s still a privileged character in that she can attend U.A., receive hero items for free, has a safe place to live, etc. But it is important that the story acknowledges her family’s situation, because her financial status does set her apart from her classmates.

She is less privileged than the others. Being “the poor character” situates Uraraka in the interesting divide between those who couldn’t cope and chose to rebel against hero society instead, versus those who conformed to the hero system in an attempt to improve their situations. In different circumstances, if Uraraka’s family was just even the tiniest bit worse off, we might be seeing a very different character here, one who had to make some much harder choices to keep her family afloat.

Having been in the position of "going without,” Uraraka also has a unique understanding of the “real world” that many of her heroics classmates might lack. She understands what it is like to go hungry, to not be able to afford to keep up with the newest trends, to be constantly anxious about the future--to feel unsuccessful, overlooked, and under constant pressure to perform. As someone who wasn’t raised in the lap of luxury or even really a middle-class home, Uraraka has more insight into--and would likely have more empathy for--the plight of the downtrodden daily criminals of the BNHA world. Just based on her own life experiences, Ochako is more likely than her classmates to recognize how harsh reality can be, and understand the temptations that lead people to make terrible decisions.

This makes Ochako an especially interesting character in terms of her pro hero future. Would she be able to sympathize and reach out to struggling "villains” more effectively than others from her class, who lack her humble background? Would she be able to better see the big picture of BNHA’s society, and the way it actively creates villains from its marginalized populations? Would she be able to look at the League not just as criminals, but also as people who never stood a chance within the confines of a rigged social structure?

Uraraka’s background shifts her closer to the story’s villains than many of the other hero characters, and puts her in a unique place to both empathize and become motivated to change the flawed system that produced people like Shigaraki and the League in the first place.

5) Likewise, Uraraka’s background actually makes her more palatable to Shigaraki than other heroes. At least at the beginning of the comic, Uraraka isn’t shy about admitting that one of her reasons for becoming a hero is to help her parents financially. Ochako’s original motivation for heroism isn’t portrayed as nobly as others’ like Deku--Deku has no ulterior motives for being a hero; he just wants to save people and wouldn’t care about personally benefiting.

Instead, Ochako is presented as someone who (initially) sees heroism as a means to an end. It’s not that she doesn’t want to save people, but that she’s not doing so only for the intrinsic worth... the hefty paycheck that comes from heroism is a big draw.

Over time the manga has shown her shifting away from this (which actually makes her character less unique, unfortunately), but I’m sure it’s still a thought for her, and she’s definitely going to send paychecks to her parents in the future. At the end of the day, heroism is still going to be Uraraka’s ticket to a better lifestyle, even if she’s committed herself to it honestly by the time she leaves U.A.

But it’s this exact form of personal motivation that Shigaraki is much more likely to understand than the “goody-two-shoes” motivations of people like Deku. Multiple times in the comic Shigaraki has expressed confusion with society’s habit of clinging mindlessly to symbols, of their blind faith in the virtues of heroism, and their ability to simply overlook suffering because “surely a hero will do something about it.” Stain’s ideals about “true heroes” go straight past Shigaraki, who seems to hate heroes who are earnest (All Might, I’m talking about All Might) far more than those who are simply faking their way through for fame.

Shigaraki understands humans who are driven by personal gain. He respects the individual desires of people he cares about. Someone in the hero industry explicitly seeking tangible benefits would likely, to Shigaraki at least, come across as more genuine than someone who claims they have no ulterior motives, and a person who is blunt about their needs and grounded in the reality of BNHA’s world would likely be much more acceptable to Tomura than someone who spews trite lines about peace and justice.

Shigaraki’s feelings for heroes have been irreparably damaged by his conditioning from All For One, but there are certainly some heroes that he would find less loathsome than others. He will probably never understand Deku’s selflessness. All Might’s saccharine symbolism actively infuriates him. But a person who became a hero to put food on the table? To provide for her parents (maybe especially because it is her parents she’s trying to provide for)? That’s at least understandable. If the manga’s future does see Shigaraki redeemed, my thought is that the only type of heroes we’ll ever see him willingly interact with would still be heroes just like Ochako, with more “down to earth” personal motivations. Uraraka, your codename is “If I had to date a hero”...

6) While we’re talking about shared life experiences, there’s another very obvious similarity between Shigaraki and Ochako: neither one of them can touch things with all five fingers.

Cute/fridge horror observation: Shigaraki is even daintier about touching things than Uraraka is; Uraraka usually lifts just her pinkies, but Shigaraki frequently uses as few fingers as possible.

Yeah, yeah, they both have to be dainty and careful with everything they hold. It’d be cute to watch them eat together. They could mutually gripe about the annoyance of video game consoles not designed for four-finger use. More than that though, neither one of them can touch other human beings without the risk of causing death.

Uraraka, as a hero, has the more privileged quirk design (she can turn her quirk off, while Shigaraki can’t) and until recently, the comic was always very careful to portray Uraraka’s quirk in a way that no one was endangered by it. But dropping Zero Gravity into the hands of a villain for a single chapter reveals the truth: Uraraka’s quirk has just as much lethal potential as Shigaraki’s.

Like Shigaraki, Uraraka has to face the reality that her touch alone could jeopardize the safety of anyone she comes into contact with, in her daily life and in her hero work. Drop some debris without looking twice? Just crushed a civilian. Release your quirk without thinking? Now the villain you floated is paste on the sidewalk. Thought that it was safe to float away the building? Oops, you crushed someone still trapped inside. Yikes. In a one-on-one battle, Uraraka is actually at a disadvantage not because her quirk is weak, but the dead opposite--in an outdoor fight, she would have to actively work not to accidentally send people off into outer space.

Having an auto-activate touch quirk means that both Shigaraki and Ochako have to be conscious of every single thing they touch all the time. Both of their quirks require constant bodily awareness, and both come with the lurking knowledge that “My touch causes problems.” Even for Ochako, who would merely be a nuisance if she accidentally floated objects indoors, it’s easy to internalize frustration and negative associations with one’s own body. Every day, Ochako has to be careful with herself in a way that few of her peers do, another factor that sets her apart.

One of the story’s overarching themes is the idea of “self-acceptance” and what it even means to “accept yourself” in a world where (almost) every human being possesses a distinguishing feature, often built into their bodies at the expense of standard human functioning. For people with limited control over their quirks, who can’t choose when the effect activates, a quirk is a constant burden and facet of their identity that entirely re-shapes how they interact with the world. Both Shigaraki and Uraraka face the practicality of having burdensome, even lethal, auto-activate quirks that require constant self-awareness. This is a similarity that, of the major characters, only Shigaraki and Ochako possess so far. (Even other major characters with touch-based quirks like Overhaul appear to be able to choose when to activate their quirks).

The “funny” way Shigaraki and Ochako hold things seems like just a small similarity until you remember the amount of practice and frustration it must have taken to internalize a four-fingered touch. Until you remember that this similarity marks them both as very careful and self-conscious characters. Until you remember that Shigaraki’s got a one-touch instakill... but so does Uraraka Ochako.

7) Okay, similarities are cool and all, but you know what they say: opposites attract. And if we’re talking character motivation, there are no cleaner opposites in the entire series. Shigaraki and Ochako are actually even better emotional foils than Shigaraki and Deku, because Ochako’s central motivation is “Make as many people smile as possible” and Shigaraki’s is, literally, “Make it so no one can ever smile again.”

I know I ragged on it earlier, but now I’m going to use it to my full advantage: as the story evolved and characters grew, Ochako’s “true” motivation to become a hero revealed itself: she feels a deep, intrinsic happiness when witnessing the happiness of others. Her desire as a hero is to spread relief, the sense of security that allows people to go about their days smiling. She literally feels happiest when everyone around her is happy.

Even more so than Deku, this casts Uraraka as Shigaraki’s diametric opposite in the story, because Shigaraki’s entire pipe dream goal also hinges on the smiles of others--and how absolutely much he hates them. Shigaraki’s goal is total world destruction because he just resents the happiness of others that fucking much.

On the surface alone it’s more fascinating than the story will probably ever live up to: Ochako, the heroine who wants to spread smiles; Shigaraki, the villain who wants to destroy them. Even if we’re just talking canon, zero romance involved, that would still be an interesting conflict to explore. The story could cover a lot of deeper ground by drawing the comparison between these two characters more directly. It would definitely validate Uraraka being involved in more major plot events, at the very least.

BUT this was supposed to be about shipping, so of course I can’t leave it there, and leaving it there would only be half the story anyway, because nobody is born hating smiles. Everything we’ve seen of Shigaraki’s past so far indicates that he was a kid with a cute dog, a warm relationship with his sister, and an interest in heroes--i.e., a decent life that probably included his own fair share of smiles. Shigaraki’s hatred and resentment are direct products of the traumatic manipulation he suffered at AFO’s hands. He despises the idea that people around him can smile and act upbeat, even when they objectively know villains are lurking all around them. He is actually sick to his stomach at the idea of people blindly putting their faith in heroes, knowing what he does: that heroes often fail, that there are many people who desperately need to be rescued and are instead overlooked. The world failed Shimura Tenko and then had the nerve to keep on smiling without him.

Other people’s smiles represent nothing but the joy, security, love, and peace that Shigaraki Tomura hasn’t experienced since the day his quirk manifested. The sight of any living thing fills Shigaraki with rage because everything bright and beautiful, everything good and calm and kind and soft and warm, is everything that Shigaraki has lost and believes he will never, ever get to experience again.

Shigaraki doesn’t really hate the pure happy smiles of others; he hates the fact that the world has taken away every single thing he ever had to smile about.

It is my belief that Horikoshi is hinting at a redemption arc for Shigaraki, especially as we see the League become closer allies. But Shigaraki can’t be completely redeemed, can’t be persuaded to give up his world-destruction plan, until he can look at the smiles of others without scorn. Until the bright, upbeat attitudes of heroes other people no longer feel like a personal attack. Until he’s happy enough that the happiness of others no longer hurts. Until the weight is lifted.

And I can’t think of any character more obviously suited to helping lift an immense weight than Uraraka, the zero gravity hero who wants nothing more than to spread smiles.

8) Speaking of lifting weights... Kacchako is a popular ship stemming in large part from Bakugou’s refusal to treat Uraraka with kid gloves. He faces her head-on as a real opponent and views her like any other hero hopeful.

As I’ve said before, this is pretty much the most respectfully the series itself has ever treated Uraraka Ochako, and it caught a lot of attention because it was one of the rare occasions that a female pro hero-in-training was really treated as an equal to the male characters. Kacchako shippers had something awesome to work with.

But... You know who else treats women as equals? (Hell, you know who treats literally everyone as equals, from those with mutant quirks to trans people to those with severe mental health issues?) You can say what you want about Shigaraki’s habit of, you know, mass murder, but in terms of viewing others equally and respecting (okay, let’s be real, it’s probably closer to just ignoring) differences, Tomura is about as open-minded as BNHA characters come. The League is an equal opportunity employer.

Unlike actual hero characters, Shigaraki has never once suggested that Toga is incapable of keeping up with any of the male members of the League, and in fact has entrusted her with many of the League’s most dangerous and crucial missions. He explicitly has faith in her ability and skill.

Toga’s right there in the fight against Gigantomachia and the QLA, as much an equal member of the League as anyone else. In terms of gender equality, the villains seem to be light-years ahead of their hero counterparts, and Shigaraki in particular doesn’t discriminate, among his allies or his opponents either. He’s not a “spare the women and children” kind of guy; every hero and villain challenger is treated with equal violence (and equal snark), whether they’re male, female, a long-time pro or a student in training.

In whatever context--canon opponent, AU ally, or a future romantic interest--Shigaraki would take Ochako just as seriously as Bakugou did. If you like Kacchako because Bakugou doesn’t dismiss Uraraka, that same dynamic would be present in Shigako too.

9) And on the topic of Shigaraki and women... It doesn’t feel accidental that every single female character who ever had love for Shigaraki has been taken away from him. A distinct part of Shigaraki’s storyline is that all positive female role models have been systematically removed from his life. He lost his grandmother, a hero he could have looked up to; he lost his mother, who he now has no memory of; he lost the older sister he clearly held dear... All For One’s control over Tomura has always been total, but this particular detail feels especially insidious: was All For One’s spite for Nana so strong that he delighted in deliberately destroying every single relationship Tenko had with women connected to Nana’s legacy? (Or is AFO perhaps just a raging misogynist? Every single one of his known associates is male and he seemed to despise and mock Nana particularly hard...)

In any case, the point I’m trying to make here is that, even ruling love interests out, Shigaraki’s storyline would be enriched by forging a meaningful connection with a female character like Ochako. Acceptance--maybe even some grudging admiration--for a female hero? A fantastic opportunity to show just how different the “villains” are from the discriminatory society that produced them. Supporting friendship while he’s on the road to recovery? A+ way to diversify interactions between the male and female cast. Send a tough girl to Tartarus to question his motives? Nice chance for tense dialogue and some good old noire-esque foe yay. Hostage situation that takes a turn for the surprisingly cordial? Fun way to explore different dynamics and humanize the villains because hey, they treated the “damsel” to dinner shortbread cookies. My god, Shigaraki could even develop some positive sense of rivalry with a woman, for example! The possibilities are endless if you’re actually willing to give female characters a shot!

Being more serious, Tomura’s life has been dramatically marked by the loss of his female family members, and--at least from what we know so far--his entire youth was spent without the presence of reliable friendships, let alone any form of “love” that wasn’t disturbingly fake. Beyond his fragmented memories, he has no models for healthy relationships, romantic or otherwise.

Letting Shigaraki develop to the point that he could form a mutually positive relationship with a female hero character would be extremely cathartic for me as a reader. I don’t mean “rewarding redemption with a last-minute happy ending romance”--I mean actually getting the opportunity to watch Tomura rediscover what it means to be genuinely loved and realize he has the capacity to give love and be happy in return...

Reaching that level of mutual support and closeness--especially with a female pro hero--would be the biggest “FUCK YOU” that Shigaraki could give to All For One, short of, you know, actually killing him.

Shigaraki Tomura has a critical (and deliberate) lack of healthy connections to women. BNHA, coincidentally, has a criminally under-utilized female lead just twiddling her thumbs over here, waiting for a meaningful plotline to be thrown her way.

Sure, putting AFO in prison is cool and all, but have you considered... crushing his pride and legacy of evil by helping the boy he tortured for years learn to love again? I’m just sayin’!

Uraraka Ochako, snatching Shigaraki right the fuck out of AFO’s hands:

10) Basically what the whole thing boils down to is this: Shigaraki Tomura needs a hero.

Don’t mistake my meaning. A lot of “girl meets bad boy” plots end up amounting to “girl becomes emotionally responsible for fixing bad boy’s issues,” and that’s not what I’m gunning for--Shigaraki has to redeem himself because redemption is only meaningful when it stems from the character’s own inner desire to change; I’m not quite rose-tinted enough to buy into the Love Redeems trope myself. I’m definitely not advocating anyone dump Shigaraki Tomura as he is now into Uraraka Ochako’s lap and expect her to turn him from a beast to a beauty. It’s not an unrelated woman’s responsibility to fix a broken man.

But! From a reader’s perspective, I think we can agree: Shigaraki’s redemption cannot be complete until he learns to believe in real heroes. He doesn’t have to like them. He doesn’t have to support hero society. But he has to be able to look at real heroes like Izuku and Ochako and admit that they are doing what’s right--that society is a better place because they are here. Shigaraki’s path to recovery can’t even begin until he’s capable of at least acknowledging that the world has things worth saving in it.

If Horikoshi moves forward with a redemption arc for Shigaraki, it will probably be Deku who Detroit Smashes the message of truly noble heroes into Shigaraki’s head. That’s his job as the resident Warrior Therapist, I suppose. But you know... to me, it might be even more meaningful if Shigaraki’s hero--if the hand that reaches out to rescue him--isn’t The Hero’s™ but just a hero’s. We all know Deku is selfless and good to the core. As All Might’s perfect successor, he really has nothing to prove. It’s everyone else who is in question. It’s the whole rest of hero society that owes Shigaraki Tomura an explanation for the suffering of people like the League’s members. It’s everyone else who needs to prove they can do better--that in the future, there will be no bloody children left abandoned in back alleyways.

Uraraka Ochako’s conviction is to save people. As a female hero who hasn’t lived a privileged life, she’s uniquely situated to think about those who are most often overlooked. In a world where violence begets violence, where only those with strength and flash excel, what a powerful message it would send for the terrifying antagonist to effectively be rescued by someone the story itself has called “a frail girl.” At the end of the day, heroics isn’t supposed to be about mountain-destroying explosions and mach punches--heroics is supposed to be about heart, about reaching out a gentle helping hand, about spreading smiles to those who need them most.

Tomura’s faith in heroes has been brutally stripped from him, and every part of his conflict is tied up intimately with his misdirected hatred: it wasn’t actually heroes who isolated and hurt him--it was villains. In order to move forward, he will have to come to that horrible realization, deal with that means for himself and his place in the world, and recognize the truth: there are goodness and good people in the world. Selfless heroes, those who wouldn’t turn their backs on a crying child, do exist. There are people, even now, who would extend a kind hand to Shigaraki Tomura and do their best to bring a real smile to his face. Because that’s what’s really going on, after all.

Shimura Tenko is still waiting to be saved.

And I know just the person to do it.

444 notes · View notes

writtenbyhappynerds · 5 years ago

Text

Fanfiction 102: Unit 1, Villains

Welcome back to class! The topic of villains came up while writing Fanfiction 101. The Editor and I consider villains important. They are the most important characters in a narrative because it is their actions and their choices that shape the plot, the desires of the main character, and their actions. Usually, in fanfiction, you already have a villain. If you write Harry Potter fanfic, your villains are Voldemort, Umbridge, Snape, Lucius, etc. If you write Supernatural fanfic, your villains are Crowley, Lucifer, Chuck, etc. We can acknowledge that for most fanfic writers the most you’ll have to do is accurately capture the voice of a villain so you can replicate them for your story in a way the audience will believe. This is done by studying the character and taking care to not reduce the villain to a one-note trait of their personality. However, we see lots of fanfic writers add in their own villains; these are usually secondary or minor characters. Sometimes they are backstory villains only, or sometimes they’re just bullies meant to be an added antagonist. These villains, because they are all your own, need to be the most important characters in your stories, and that’s why we’re here to talk today.

Villains are the most difficult to figure out. When you write a villain, you are writing a character and explaining to yourself, and therefore the audience, not only why this person is a bad guy, but why they’re doing bad things. I do not like villains who are Bad Guy McBadGuys that exist solely to make the OC’s life miserable. That isn’t a villain. That’s an asshole. These characters are the most common villains we see, and I myself am guilty of writing them in the past because we don’t want to give the bad guys thought. Usually, the writer wants to focus on the protagonist, but the side characters and opposing characters need way more thought than the OC. The OC’s motivations are easy to figure out. Their job is to complete the quest, save the day, and oppose the villain. Their entire goal as a character can be written around a villain, and when that happens you better be damn sure you know why the villain is doing what they’re doing. One-note villains are common in both Harry Potter and the Avengers. Usually, this is because the villain is either a Death Eater or HYDRA, and they can be bad for the sake of being bad because we know both groups are bad guys. I want you to remove yourselves from that approach. I would highly encourage you to read the comic series published a few years back called Captain America: Hail HYDRA. If you know Avengers you probably know this comic, because it’s the one where the writers tried to say that Captain America, God’s Righteous Man, has been a secret HYDRA agent this whole time. It was a whole Twitter moment, it was the #saynotoHYDRACap thing. That comic. In that comic, along with Captain America pledging his support to HYDRA, is an account from a character named Robbie Dean Tomlin. We as the audience follow Robbie’s story and see how a young kid can get wrapped up in an organization like HYDRA and get beaten and broken down to the point that he’s willing to become a suicide bomber for them. What Hail HYDRA can teach us is how to make a villain relatable, and how a normal character can get wrapped up in a group that we as an audience can look at and immediately know is bad. We see them as evil, but we never question why or how a character gets involved in that. If you are going to write a villain that can compel an audience, you need to start asking those questions. Why is this character where they are? Are they angry? Are they scared of someone else? Does this character think they’re doing the right thing? If so, why are they/do they use violence to accomplish their goals? Why is that necessary? When you look at Robbie Dean Tomlin’s story you can answer all those questions. You get him not as a villain, but as a character, and that’s where it starts.

Another great example of villains as characters and not as bad guys is found in Avatar: The Last Airbender. Specifically the episode ‘The Boiling Rock’ where Sokka and Zuko break into the Fire Nation’s highest security prison and pretend to be guards. Their goal is to break Sokka’s dad and girlfriend Suki out of prison. The important note is that during the episode Sokka is able to chat with the Fire Nation guards. These people are his adversaries in this episode. They could imprison or kill him if he is discovered, but the guards aren’t set on that. They aren’t hell-bent on torturing the prisoners either. They’re just people. Not only that they’re nice people. The guards are nice to each other. They’re nice to Sokka, and they give not only their characters but the Fire Nation more dimension. Not every Death Eater under Voldemort is going to share his exact viewpoints or his bloodthirst. They are not all hell-bent on, ‘I must capture and kill Harry Potter,’ or, ‘I must spit in the face of muggles and mudbloods because they have to know their place.’ The same is true for HYDRA, or the Empire if you’re writing for Star Wars or the Fire Nation. You have to start writing your characters as people and give them the backstory and reasoning that would make them evil.

Me personally, when I am writing a story the villain is the first character I write. I want to know them and know why they’re about to be mean to my OC. We’ll use two different villains I’ve written as examples: Anna and Sion. We will also use a common villain from fanfiction, Dolores Umbridge, for comparison.

Treat your villains like protagonists. In a sense, they are the protagonists of their own stories, they just happen to be the antagonists of your OC’s. Know about their hobbies. Whether they have a family. If they don’t, what happened to that family? This information doesn’t need to be used necessarily, but it helps you as a writer know your antagonist as a person. For Anna, I know that she loves the outdoors. She likes rock-climbing and kayaking and she enjoys time outside. I know she has a son that she loves dearly, and she has a specific brand of French candy that she keeps well-stocked for herself. Sion, I know she has been married twice and has kids from both marriages. I know she likes fantasy novels because the idea of mythical beasts sounds cool to her. Dolores Umbridge, we know as readers loves the color pink. She likes frilly and lacy things. She loves cats. She’s the epitome of the old white ladies who shop at Dillards. It’s okay for you to give your villains something that isn’t stereotypically villainous. When we get into good examples of villains we’ll explain more why quirks and characterization is so important.

Once you’ve created a character with a personality, start to flesh out where they work. What they do. This will give you a better idea of how they will interact with the OC. This too can be against the grain of stereotypical villains, which the Editor and I usually see as men in dark rooms brooding over something we the audience don’t know and beating the OC because it’s fun. Again, that isn’t a villain, that’s just an asshole. I also as a reader don’t know who that villain is as a person. I just know that I’m supposed to really really hate him or her because they’re mean to the OC. So, give them a personality, and tell me about their life. Are they the CEO of a massive corporation? Are they politicians? A teacher? A spy? Give me something I can take in and help me as the reader understand who this person is. We know Dolores is senior undersecretary to the Minister. She is a woman in a high place who loves her job. Anna, for example, we’ll say is a former spy. She was a spy when she was younger and has moved up in her organization to the point where she oversees other agents and acts as their support. Sion on the contrary is the head of the department of Chemistry wherever she works. She oversees students and has her own research lab. All characters have opportunities to interact with people, and therefore the OC. Your villain shouldn’t be a hermit. That’s less realistic, because then, how can we expect them to go antagonize the OC if they never leave the house?

So, we now have a character with a personality, and we have a character with a career that fits their story. A good way that I’ve found to turn a character who would otherwise be good evil, is to pile on those flaws and have them act on their weaknesses more so than their strengths. We give our protagonists strengths and weaknesses but seldom do they lean on their weaknesses and put faith in insecurities. Let your villains down that kool-aid. It’ll make the drop into madness smoother. For Sion, we’ll have a character who is insecure. She is insecure about her usefulness, she’s worried her department will be absorbed into another, she’s insecure about her age and about some freak from nowhere with none of her training or experience being able to take away and undercut her value in the society she lives in. She has many children to provide for, and has a lot to lose should she lose her job (psst, this is where the OC comes in). Anna as a character grew a bit differently. Her insecurities came from her backstory, where she fell in love with another spy, had a long happy life with that spy until the same life that brought them together and made the world a game killed him. Her weaknesses come in that she feels abused by the system, and that she will not let others be abused by the same system. She feels more gallant than a character like Sion, and that she is saving characters who wouldn’t listen to her otherwise. Who doesn’t understand that the world is filled with bad people and no one else is willing to take out bad people? (psst, this is the easy driving force for the protagonists to oppose). Dolores’s insecurities come from ignorance. She follows the Minister on blind faith and doesn’t want to be proven wrong. If he fails she sees herself as failing too. In addition, she has internalized intolerance that has built up over time because of the oppression of half-breeds and muggle-borns. She helps write laws that oppress muggle-borns. She makes them submit for questioning. Dolores is happy where she is because her prejudice is a blanket of security for her. She loves her job, and she wants to stay where she is. So when Dumbledore or Harry try to uproot her, she is antagonistic.

The impact of Sion, Dolores, and Anna, is that you end up with characters who do bad things but don’t see themselves as bad people. Anna believes she is doing the work that no one else is willing to do. That she is going after bad guys. Sion believes she is keeping her department alive. That she is looking out for the good of her people. Dolores is serving her ministry. None of these characters are truly evil, but when you present a young upstart who comes out of a factory that gets the spotlight and attention, or a group of ragtag kids who are trying to save as many people as they can regardless of experience because, “you can’t change where you come from,” or a wizard trying to shake down the years of intolerance at the central government, you get antagonism that is natural and makes sense. You get conflict that makes sense not only for the protagonists, but it makes sense for the antagonists to oppose them. That should be your goal when writing a villain. It should make sense for the villain to oppose the protagonist and vice versa, and it shouldn’t be because the villain is evil and that’s it.

Now, to drive these points home further we’re going to break down great villains from the media and discuss why they are successful in the context that we’ve given you. We hope that by explaining these villains in the terms that we’ve just described, the importance of creating villains as characters first will make more sense.

Let’s talk about Azula. She was the first to come up when the Editor and I discussed villains. We as an audience know Azula’s backstory. We know she was “born lucky,” and was beloved and revered by her father and grandfather. We know she had a bad relationship with her mother. We know she had friends. These are all aspects of personality that make Azula someone we can understand. Azula is serving her father and the Fire Nation. It just so happens that that nation is under more evil leadership. When we see the downfall of Azula, we see how the writers used her own insecurities to become her undoing. We see her instead as a deeply paranoid person, who is afraid of being betrayed by people she is supposed to trust. You see her crack under her own pressures. The brilliance of Azula is that we as an audience can relate to her in her downfall, and we see who she is beyond being a bad guy. She’s not like General Zhao, whose motivations and desires were more straightforward. She has complicated goals and wishes and desires that allow us to understand who she is as a person.

Lucifer from Supernatural is another great example of a compelling villain. You see it in his development. He is meant to be the ultimate evil because he is after Sam and wants the end of the world. What the writers on Supernatural did is really explore the why of Lucifer’s actions. You see it in how his brothers talk to him. You see how Lucifer was, “the only one who could see what was going on.” That he couldn’t handle the new baby (mankind) coming home and lashed out. That he was kicked out of heaven by trying to prove that humans weren’t perfect. You see in the actor himself, that Lucifer is given a reason to be angry and a methodology behind his anger. This makes him more compelling as a villain. He isn’t evil just to be evil and he isn’t opposing humanity just to do it, he has a reason behind what he does. It makes us understand him as a character because his anger is relatable.

Loki is often a villain or a love-interest in fanfiction. Sometimes when we’re feeling spicy, he’s a villain turned into a love interest because oh my god growth. Loki is given familial relationships and friendships that help us understand who he is as a character. On top of that, he’s given justifiable anger similar to that of Lucifer’s, which makes him act bad but believe he is in the right. Often when we read Loki fanfiction we see the tortured soul Loki who needs someone who can “understand” and “see him” in ways that his brother of 100-odd years somehow inexplicably cannot. This does not just apply to Loki (see Draco Malfoy, Lucifer, and sometimes Paul Lahote but he isn’t a villain). If you are going to give Loki a family that doesn’t know or understand him, you need to give Loki character traits that said the family wouldn’t know about. Hobbies he likes, activities he enjoys. Often Loki is reduced to reading, but in-depth analysis can allude to his reading being a means of escaping a bad situation. Does he write too? Tell me more. Loki is often reduced to either the tortured soul or the lunatic and he is neither. He is a boy first and foremost, who has been lied to his whole life, who was taken in as a political prop and was shoved aside and made to feel unwanted because he was not the blood son. That kind of stuff stays with a person. It messes you up and puts a lot of negative ideas in your head. From here is the source of Loki’s anger, but don’t say that his family doesn’t know him. They do, what they don’t do is accept or nurture him. The exception to this is Frigga. Loki’s motivations as a villain come from his backstory and the relationship he has with both his father and brother. Where fanfic writers often stumble is this dynamic, which is not one of unfamiliarity but one that lacks acceptance. Loki was ostracized for being different, but that isn’t to say Thor and the Warriors Three didn’t know he was different.

Let’s talk about the Death Eaters. The Death Eaters are a great example of how systemic intolerance shapes a generation. They serve Voldemort out of both fear and loyalty because his power is something that is ingrained in their minds as something that is right. His ideas are perpetuated by Salazar Slytherin and enforced by pureblood families. The Death Eaters are examples of those who grew up in intolerance. They don’t necessarily follow Voldemort because they agree with him, but because their families do, their colleagues and friends do. They are so deep in this life they don’t know how to get out. Look at the obvious discomfort of the Malfoys in books 6 and 7. They clearly don’t want to be there. Death Eaters are way more complex than people give them credit for. If you’re writing Death Eater characters, lean into the Draco Malfoys and the Regulus Blacks of the world. Study how people in cults act and reflect on their time after leaving the cult. These resources will help you write characters that are more compelling than just, ‘Mudbloods suckkkk lmao.’

Because he is so popular as a villain, we’re going to talk about Lucius Malfoy in addition to Death Eaters. Lucius Malfoy’s representation in fanfiction is horribly executed 9 times out of 10. This is because he follows the same fate of many characters that we discussed in Fanfiction 101. Lucius Malfoy is reduced to one-note beats and the most blatant parts of his personality. Because he is a villain, that beat is “I hate mudbloods and love Voldemort.” He’s like one of those MLM moms who are like, “love my God and my Essential Oils.” Lucius Malfoy should not be reduced to MLM moms with Live Laugh Love and internalized misogyny. He is way smarter than that. You don’t become one of Voldemort’s most devoted followers and come back from that without having your wits about you. Lucius is way smarter than what fanfiction writers commonly give him credit for. He’s intelligent. He’s driven. He was a Head Boy in his time at Hogwarts, and he knew how to try and sink his enemies without implicating himself. If you write Lucius Malfoy you need to dip into the cat-and-mouse games that are Lucius's personality. He’s not aggressively evil. He’s quiet. He slips in after the fighting is done and takes what he wants. The best example of this is during Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. Everyone knew that it was Malfoy who slipped Tom Riddle’s diary in Ginny’s cauldron. However, there was no proof. Lucius Malfoy is a careful man, and in fanfiction that needs to be reflected.

Villains are the most important character in your narrative. You need to view them as people. As characters first and as bad guys second. Your OC’s story can be centered around the villain, who should be complex, thought-out, and should have methods behind their madness. The audience needs to understand who your villain is by reading about them, just as much as your OC or side characters.

Next week we’re discussing superpowers. We’ll break down how to make a cool set of superpowers, the common mistakes in superpowers, and give good and cringe examples.

Xoxo, Gossip Girl.

5 notes · View notes

dekuinthelake · 6 years ago

Text

Why I’m okay with people knowing I’m transgender

Firstly, I want to start off by saying that if you’re trans and for your own comfort and safety you don’t want to be “outed” that’s 100% understandable and you should not feel bad about that. We all need to move at our own pace when discovering our social limits and confidence. My journey will have not been the same as yours. I live in Colorado, a state that is fairly trans friendly and am a trans man, meaning I’ve most likely had a safer time than I might have elsewhere. Trans women have it especially difficult, and if you feel unsafe in a situation that’s up for you to gage. It doesn’t make you less valid or a coward or anything like that.

Just know that I’m writing this for you and other trans/nb folks. I want our choices to transition to feel like the right one, even when people who don’t understand are making you second guess.

Context:

From the time I was 16-23, I was immensely depressed. I dropped out of highschool because of an immense disillusionment for the future. Primarily, I believed I didn’t have one. I’d always been bad at school, so collage was out of the question. I thought I was too ugly to get married and so that traditional Mormon thing my mother specifically had impressed upon me, which was having kids obviously. Most people disliked me because at the time, I had an extremely aggressive and compulsive attitude thanks to being absolutely lost emotionally. I hated my body and my mind and was convinced the things I despised could never change.

Ironically, one of the thorns in my side was how I always wanted to be a man instead. I recall coming home from school some days and just curling up in bed and sobbing about it.

“If I was a boy, people wouldn’t make fun of my ugly ass body.” Something I felt primarily about my chest. Once I strangled a kid for pointing out my bra strap through a white shirt. No joke. I was volatile and pissed all the time because of dysphoria. Comments about being feminine quite literally triggered me growing up. Every violent fight I remember growing up was caused by someone making fun of me in relation to female gender.

Despite this problem being so obvious, my religious parents took me to Mormon operated therapy. The suggestions I was given by councilors was typically “Have you tried praying about it?” Or “Are you going to Young Women’s every Sunday?” For those of you who don’t know, in the LDS church, they separate Sunday school for age groups based on gender. In particular, they forced all girls to wear dresses.

Having that identity forced on me every Sunday against my will from a very young age caused me to resist in aggressive attitude. Hit a kid in the face with my bible bag once for telling me I should be in the kitchen.

Another unfortunate side effect of the Mormon upbringing was literally not knowing that trans people even existed. I recall seeing trans people (like with waiter we had once) and being a little perplexed but not too bothered. But no one had ever explained the concept to me until much, much later.

After I had dropped out, a friend of mine came out and at the time the concept was alien. I’d spent so much time in my life trying to choke down any hope of being a guy because of religion it seemed impossible to even change genders. But then a mutual friend between me and my trans one (who is now my roommate) explained to me in a car ride I still remember vividly about what testosterone does to your body. Bit of a side note, but the ‘micro phalus’ thing was something I straight didn’t believe and OH BOY LMAOOOO.

Anyway, with that information now tumbling around on my mind... I accepted my friend and continued to ignore my obvious feelings!

Life marched on. I sunk in to gaming addiction, depression, and repression. I think I first tried to kill my self when I was 20 years old. I had quit my job thanks to a car crash I got in to and sunk in to doing absolutely nothing but playing MMOs for months. Eventually I just convinced myself there was no possible way my life could anything meaningful or productive. I had a fairly unhelpful stay in a mental hospital. I got out, got a job at the Denver zoo as a janitor.

I coasted for a few years there. That job taught me a lot. People skills, how to work hard, how to care about the future... And one of my coworkers was a trans man. We didn’t talk much about his transition. Mostly we just talked about cool things at work and how shitty customers were.

I think that kind of interaction was so important to me. To everyone, him being trans was just natural. No one cared and he seemed pretty happy.

With that information I started to do a bit of research on my own. I’m not sure how many months of consideration I had before coming out subtly to my current roommate in a car.

At the time, pondering coming out to everyone around me and having to confront my body every day in mirrors I cleaned for a living became a sort of hell. I worked the 4am shift and had no one to talk to for the entire duration of my work day, leaving me with lots of time to watch videos and think. I mean I mentally battled myself to the point I was in a lot of pain. So I started taking pain killers, mood stabilizers, drinking, and smoking weed in excess. Since I worked in the dark alone, no one would know how fucked up I was. The primary wrench in me finally accepting my own needs was again that feeling of hopelessness. The process of transition seemed so intimidating. It’s expensive. It will take effort. What if I fuck this or that up?

Early 2017, I tried to kill myself again after months of tormenting myself. I remember when they put me in the ICU and asked for my name, I told them Mike instead of my now dead name. The nurses asked if I had a pronoun preference and I just couldn’t say anything at all. But the chart whiteboad hanging on the wall in front of my bed said “Mike’s”. Everyone who came to visit me saw this. In a way, I had forced myself to come out. My stay in the mental hospital provided the same information as the last, but this time I was more ready to accept it.

One of the exercises we did was write plans for the future. Before, I had left it blank. But this time? I had goals. One of them was to come out officially in a far less destructive fashion. My dad seemed to accept it but not fully support. Due to family tensions that were somewhat unrelated to coming out, I ended up moving out in Late September 2018.

Soon everyone in my personal life knew. I got laid off with my entire department at the zoo. I remember coming out to some of my coworkers based on how religious they were the last day. My next job, I introduced myself as Mike and even got a name tag.

At the end of 2018 I started on hormones after a battle to get ahold of a doctor. Since then, I’ve been a lot happier.

I’ve lost over 100lbs and started working out.

I’m currently working the highest paying job I’ve ever had.

I’m living in an apartment with people I really care about.

The people I keep around me accept my pronouns and are proud of me coming out.

I’ve grown a mustache I love so much I can’t bare to shave it.

The power of self actualization

In every respect, coming out and presenting myself in exactly the way I want to has improved my life. For me that included medically transitioning. It’s like I finally have something to look forward to. All the little changes make me excited and more confident in what I like every day.

Even minor things like clothing are now these exciting vehicles of self expression. I never used to buy things I liked since my parents controlled what I was and was not aloud to wear. And even when I got my own money, those standards forced upon me by Mormonism held me back. Every pay check has more meaning when I’m replacing the old life that I hated so much. I seriously love this tiger shirt I got.

I’m proud to tell people I’m trans because finally admitting to myself has improved my life and mental health and unimaginable degree. I went from wanting to die basically at all times to having excitement for what comes next. I’m enjoying activities that I never would have before. Going to gay bars and dancing has been so enriching for me and I absolutely never would have done that before when I was all angry and bristly.

Being trans can be such a possitive experience. It’s freedom. It’s being able to live your life comfortably.

I know there are a lot of people who don’t understand or don’t want to because of their upbringing... and if you are one of those people who managed to read all this, please know they if you’re anti-trans, you’re anti-freedom of expression, anti-mental health, and anti-social.

Coming out was like removing a clog from my life. I’ve FINALLY been able to start living. And that’s something I want people to know about me. I felt dead before I changed my name and pronouns.

By the way. I’m Mike. He/him. 25. And I’m not going to try and kill my self ever again because I’m enjoying my big trans life.👌

#long post #trans #transgender #pride #trans pride #guess this is my new years post #HAPPY NEW YEARS

35 notes · View notes

botslayer · 6 years ago

Text

Top Ten games of the 2010′s

This trend seems to be doing the rounds at the moment and seeing as I’ve been gaming for about as long as I can remember, It just feels right. So, let’s get into it. But first, worth saying: These aren't really in any specific order, it's just the games I've personally had the most fun with overall, but it's pretty hard to decide what the hard numbers on things you enjoy for different reasons are if that makes any sense. 10. The 2010's weren't exactly the best time for anyone, I think. For me they were a slog of finding myself and learning things I wish I didn't. Amid all those things I wanted some levity. The world needs something and stupid. We got a lot of it ion 2013 but I feel like we could have used it scattered around a bit more. In that spirit, allow me to show you one hell of a pick me up:

Saints Row 4

Saints Row 4 does not give a fuck. It is aggressively demonstrating that the entire time you play. It doesn't care in the slightest what you think or why, It just wants to show you cool, if juvenile, and interesting, if weird shit. It's the finer points of Ratchet and Clank's arsenal, SR3's humor, And superpowers that genuinely put Prototype and Infamous in a blender and tell you to go ape shit with them. The soundtrack isn't top shelf, it's the roof of the building the shelf is in. Saints Row Two had a better story overall but SR Four's was just plain fun and a solid enough story to still be invested.

The DLC was just as irreverent and madcap, Featuring everything from an evil Santa Clause to evil Gimps on Game of thrones chairs made of dildos Or Tropey-ass costumes and weapon reskins that I'd be genuinely surprised the game dev didn't get sued over. It has earned its place in my top 10 and I will die by that decision.

2016 saw the advent of a new genre. They blended TF2 and MOBAs, and we got hero shooters in their first AAA forms, Overwatch and Battleborn. But neither of these games is on this list, much as I liked them. Partly because the whole time, I kept thinking of one simple question: "Why do I keep thinking of...?"

Anarchy Reigns

Anarchy Reigns is my favorite Platinum game. Full Stop. The Story mode is interesting and has genuinely good character moments, the characters themselves are completely mental, ranging from a mercenary with a bionic cat leg that secretly has a gun built into it to a giant cyborg bull-man with a jet-powered hammer. The soundtrack is mostly angry hip-hop, making every song a banger and fittingly speedy for things like random bombing runs from jet fighters that come from absolutely nowhere.

There are giant monsters, cars with mounted flame throwers, giant robots, and the online is still pretty sweet because even when abandoned, loading it up with bots still rules. I regularly have more fun with this than I ever did with Overwatch, and I don't care how insane that sounds.

Some games want to make you feel something and fail. Some games make you feel some things accidentally, for example, a desperate need to laugh. This game made me feel like a human blender. Like a Chthonic god of mangled flesh and raw destructive power. Nyarlathotep ain't got nothing on me. I speak, of course, of...

[Prototype] 2

There's no end to the absolute destruction you feel like you're causing in this game. It feels more fluid than the first, the main character is a pinch more relatable, and all the body horror, superpowers, zombie hordes, and big old monsters make for some of the most memorable and fun moments and fights in gaming. The DLC is also pretty solid, adding new fun side challenges, and new powers and weapons that elevate you from "Flesh god" to "Screw physics, I made them" Omnipotent. Best god/monster simulation of all time.

Sometimes some games are at an honest tie in your mind. Be it that you like them for essentially the same reasons, or for completely different reasons, but the overall total joy or entertainment they bring is roughly equivalent. Here, we have a case of the former:

Furi/Cuphead

Both games have a tight focus on giving players a unique, boss-centric challenge, both have interesting, somewhat minimal narratives, and both are absolute eye candy.

Furi has a more "Samurai Jack" Quality to me. A complete badass on a relatively simple quest with a somewhat minimalistic art style learning some things as he goes.

Cuphead on the other hand, nails that rubber hose animation style, and the fun levity of such animations while still making the player's ability to interact with the world damn impactful and fun.

They share a spot in my soul, games I love everything about but will never be able to finish. Hats off to both dev teams.

Now here we have another tie. Mostly because the games are so close together, they need to be evaluated more or less as one product IMO, not enough changed for me to consider them separate games, fortunately, that is the furthest thing from an insult it can be in this situation. I present to you, my next pick(s).

Costume Quest 1/2

Now, This might seem pretty random considering my other picks, but honestly, I love Halloween, I love creative madness, I love subversion, I love good characters, and I love cool action, these games have all these things by the bucketload.

The first game is a wild ride through Halloween in multiple very lively locations and the second, slightly confusing as it is, is pretty awesome for the things it introduces, including time travel. Other elements, like the battle stamps, the truly epic forms of everything in the fights, The ability to customize your costumes, etc. they blur together in a pretty big way, but again, there's not a thing wrong with that when both games rock like crystal candy.

Now, if you hadn't noticed, all of the games on this list have had some hard action at their core, and while I don't HATE calmer games, a lot of the time, so many are kinda dull to me in that with the exception of easter eggs of some sort, most farming sims, for example, just have you doing normal farm stuff with very few twists, may as well start a real farm in that case. My most chill entry is a game that tosses that to one side, asks you to grab a suck cannon, and start harvesting gelatinous monster poop.

Slime Rancher

While you don't spend a lot of time actually interacting with other characters, they just talk at you, the story of the game is pretty effective, the player character of Beatrix has left Earth for a simpler life of Slime Ranching, which entails the raising of alien crops, delightfully derpy and colorful chickens, and going all around in an attempt to farm new breeds of slime for their genetic material to sell off or trade-in for the creation of gadgets while being surrounded by a cast of interesting characters. It's all very wholesome family fun.

The game looks great, has great ideas, and is genuinely the best farming game I have ever played. @ me all you want.

The 80's are almost fetishized nowadays. Given all the property reboots, games that go for the vibe and aesthetic of the time, etc. It almost seems as though the eighties vibe train ain't gonna stop rolling any time soon. But we owe it to ourselves to remember the first big swipe of madcap neon-colored actiony B-movie bullshit and how mind-meltingly epic it was. Ladies, Gents, and whatever else, I present:

Far Cry 3: Blood Dragon

Blood Dragon's story is relatively simple, you play Sargent Rex "Power" Colt (A name said in full so many times I thought his last name was "Powercolt" for the longest time), a former "Omega force" cyborg. Rex and his friend "Spider" were sent into a secret island base to investigate the supposed defection and treachery of their old commander, Ike Sloan. It turns out he has gone rogue and taken an army of "Mark 5" Omegaforce cyber-soldiers with him. What follows is a long story of betrayal, science fiction of the highest nonsensical level, comedy, and brilliantly cathartic action.

The collectibles range from data on animals, to research notes from a scientist, to literal VHS cassette tapes that have full descriptions of movies that I would legitimately watch if I could. "You may now kill the brides" is not a real film and I am angry for every day that that is true. Anyway, play Far Cry 3: Blood Dragon, I dunno if it's on PS4 but it's one game I'd buy a new/old console for.

A lot of superhero games NEED to railroad you. Your goals MUST be to save the lives of the people and help the weak and all that. But one dev asked the simple question: "What if it didn't?" "What if the player chose how to use their power? What if the player could be as evil or as good as they damn well pleased?" One game gave you the powers of thunder and lightning and asked what you'd do with it. It's sequel asked you the same, but against more... interesting forces.

InFamous 2

InFamous 2 is a game about making choices, just like the first one, also just like the first one, it can have an effect on gameplay. That effect went from "What does this particular power do in this allignment?" To "Which new set of NEW powers would you like?" The forces of the last game went from “Three flavors of gun-toting whackos” To “Possibly an allegory for the Klan, Swamp monsters, and Ice-powered super soldiers.”

This was, and still is, the best game in the whole series, The powers felt distinct from anything else and still do, the story is solid as a rock, and the enemy types were still varied enough to be interesting, I miss the Reapers from the first game, but that's about it. Everything else was a massive step up. If you have something that can run it, play it.

Action is something I think we can all appreciate on some level. We can understand when it does or does not work, we can understand when we do or do not like how it feels when we are the ones partaking in it. EX: Any schlep can tell you when the weapons in your game lack impact, or when your character moves too slow for the game to be fun. The following game is something I can't say anything of the sort about. And it's kind of like Wolfenstein, when you have enemies this bad, who the hell cares how many you kill?

Doom 2016

Y'all are lying if you say you didn't expect this one. It's DOOM 2016. This game is made of hate and fuck. AND I LOVE IT. You move so fast, you may as well be half cheetah and half sports car. You slaughter the dregs of hell by the dozens and even the biggest, baddest things this game throws at you can be beaten with the starting pistol if you have the stones for it. It looks amazing graphically, the demons all look appropriately threatening, and even the Multiplayer is a great deal of fun in my book.

Something worth noting: The story presented by default is pretty barebones, but that's where supplementary material fills in the gaps, the difference between supplementary material in most games and supplementary material here is the material is till IN THE GAME. You're free to ignore most of the plot as it happens around you, and even interesting tidbits of the lore like how certain demons function. Not only are these things missable collectibles, prompting continued play to find them, they are also pretty interesting reads. So yeah, just about everything you could want in a sequel/remake, builds the on lore and gameplay very organically.

And here we are, the last game I'd put in this category. An entire decade, and here, we end on the last game that left such an impact I'd put it in my top ten. But first, let's talk about expectations and delivery: When you say a game is coming out, there are certain expectations you have for gameplay, EX: I say "Ratchet and Clank" and you expect a TPS with platforming elements and crazy guns. I say "Gears of War" and people expect something to do with lumbering about in big armor, dismembering things with a chainsaw gun and otherwise shooting them to paste. We might also expect changes to things, better graphics, innovations in grenade variety, something as that franchise goes on.

After the last game in this series was released, there were tons of people who felt let down and disappointed by it. Then they released the still somewhat disappointing special edition of it. They were both still fun, but neither really felt like the full next step in the series. After a failed reboot, they returned to the original story and the lot of us rejoiced. And when it finally came out? It was a step up in most, if not, all regards, to its predecessors. You know what this last one is. Please, give a warm round of applause to:

Devil May Cry 5

A game that was not only a return to form, but a major escalation in gameplay for one character, and a new style of gameplay all together by way of yet another new character. It didn’t exactly hurt that the story kicked ten kinds of ass and that the game looked spectacular in both the design of everything and the actual graphical fidelity.DMC 5 is, like DOOM, Like InFamous 2, Like [PROTOTYPE] 2, everything you want in a good sequel. It built very well on already solid foundations and it was generally just a fun, slightly goofy, massively stylish, and ultra badass ride. I recommend this, and all these games, to anyone.Good night everyone, have a great 2020. And the rest of the decade, for that matter.

19 notes · View notes

roseok · 7 years ago

Text

Sunflower Girl

COUNT—20, 848 words ↳ A/N: First series written in early 2016 too!

❝Taehyung: killer of flowers and wrecker of hearts. With a high school history you can’t get over and a problematic roommate you can’t avoid, life is great until you’re forced to live under Kim Taehyung’s roof.❞

Prologue

Knock

“Y/N,”

Knock

“I need to talk to you Y/N,”

It was a cycle. A vicious cycle of early morning wake-ups and pretending to be dead asleep to having your sister rip open your bedroom door anyway. Slipping under your covers, she nestles her tired body up against your back. Wrapping her arms around your waist, she buries her head between your shoulder blades and cries.

Lifting your gaze to the only source of light in your room you groan as your alarm clock emits the warning numbers of dawn.

“You know Mia, I wake up in two hours for my graduation ceremony,” you rasp, the morning tendrils clinging to your vocal chords. “What is it now?”

“Don’t leave,” she sobs, turning onto her back but still holding you tight. “Fuck, I guess it’s just the insecurities and loneliness talking, but I couldn’t sleep after thinking so hard about it and I don’t want you to leave the city. I don’t want you to leave me. I want you to come to my college and I want us to be close forever.”

Turning onto your back, you both stare at the glow-in-the-dark stars glued to your ceiling.

Their glow had faded significantly over the years and the thought of tearing them down after so many nights of saving you from nightmares scared you more than you’d like to admit as an adult. You thought that maybe, the karma of the universe would push you into the perils of catch up nightmares, so they stayed.

“Please don’t go,” she begs, nestling her face into your shoulder. “I’ll be good. I’ll even drink less alcohol, just don’t leave me alone in this hole.”

Letting a river of discomfort and grief flood your disgruntled morning self, you sink further down into your duvet with a frustrated sigh. You still hadn’t told your family that any semblance of an opportunity of going to a university far away had disintegrated in less than a week and that you had decided to stay instead. What else could you do?

“Mia, I’m not going,” you whisper. “Something happened and I didn’t end up getting the required grade for Brown. So, you don’t have to worry about being lonely, I guess I’m staying here. So go away so I can sleep before I murder you.”

“Something? Are you talking about Taehyung?” she asks, yawing into her hand. “If you are, I’m going to hug him. You and me forever. ”

“Don’t even say his name,” you croak, pulling the sheets back over your face. “Now, if you don’t mind, I’d like to sleep so I don’t look like an axe murderer in my graduation photos.”

“If something was meant to happen Y/N, it would. Stop being dramatic, the kid doesn’t sound that bad at all. So he lied to you, big whoop. Did you die? NO.” she shouts, her voice too loud for the mush that was your morning brain. “I’m glad he did to be honest. I think I might hug him when I see him. Thats how glad I am.” she says, squeezing you tighter before leaving you to slumber the last remaining hours of being a high school student.

“Like hell you will,” you whisper as she leaves. “Kim Taehyung is a murderer of dreams and flowers and all things in between.”

She laughs as she closes the door behind her, “Be careful there sis, love and hate are separated by a very thin curtain. You might just burn it down with all that fire of yours.”

Sinking back into your sheets, you mull over every single interaction you’ve ever had with him. You didn’t have that many, but they filled you with regret and anxiety. You felt hopeless and tormented by his stupid grin, his stupid toe nail clipping eyes, his soft brown hair and his baritone laugh.

You hated him. You hated Kim Taehyung.

In your freshmen year of high school you decide against being surprised by anything Kim Taehyung does and will ever do. He was popular, smart and kind. He was the picture perfect student justly famous for two reasons.

First, he was incredibly good looking — a natural beauty. The second, he was the most boring good looking person on the planet. He lived in the school library, he routinely volunteered to tutor and his posture was always frustratingly perfect in class. He was a brick wall with girls, a brick wall with his friends and a brick wall to you. Everything he did was a calculated move towards his GPA, he was predictable and transparent.

He remained the star pupil of your school up until senior year, when out of nowhere Kim Taehyung did a 180 and became a mystery.

You were curious as to what might’ve caused the sudden change; the good boy suddenly going bad. He acted as though he had a grudge against the world, as though the world did something so shockingly inhumane that his actions and juvenile delinquency were warranted, but he just wanted to be himself. He just wanted to be able to express himself.

With his chestnut hair streaked with green, pink leather jacket and the cool that suddenly replaced his once stoic aura, Taehyung was a completely different person. And, you could tell from the size of the dark bags under his eyes and the hangovers he routinely nurtured in the classes he did actually attend, Taehyung was chasing demons into tequila sunrises.

He wasn’t any different from the group of boys he hung around. Which doesn’t come as a surprise to you, you are at the end of the day, the product of your environment. You just hoped that maybe, just maybe, he would be different and prove you wrong.

If only.

Walking to the student administration office determined and passionate. You decide that if Taehyung could change in such a short time frame than you could too. You didn’t want to follow the path your parents set out for you, and neither did he, you wanted to spread your wings, so you did.

You were going to find a university outside of the state and attend it. You were going to find what makes you happy and pursue it.

What makes you happy was 8 hours away and you needed to maintain an A- average to even think about getting in on scholarship. Brown was an elite college designed for hardworking students like yourself.

So thats what you worked towards. You had a goal and you were going to press forward and achieve it.

But as you became more determined and goal focused, Taehyung had loosened his grip on academic reality and began to lose himself in the swell of people and what they could offer him in terms of a good time. He was a freight train heading straight for you.

For the last 6 months of your senior year, the science classroom had become your cave. Your last assignment for your high school career was research on soil and sunflowers, which is why you spent most of your time by the back window where you could see every corner of the school.

These flowers held your hope of going to Brown.

It was english class when Taehyung approached you for the first time. You assumed at first that maybe his college friends had told him about the so called “legendary tales” of your famous freshmen sister and he had come to check you out, but he seemed genuine in his disinterest and just wanted to borrow a pen.

The second time he approached you, it was to return it. He didn’t seem at all curious or even aware of who you were and he certainly didn’t ask you about your sister. The small interactions were nice, although you were mostly ignored, he filled you with fascination and enough day dreaming material for life.

Hell, the boy was cute.

The third time Taehyung approached you however, he had figured out who you were and he played it smart so you wouldn’t figure him out.

Carrying a box filled with his last science experiment, he stops to encourage himself before making his way to class.

“Okay, Taehyung just play it cool. You’re cool. She’s just a girl. Its just a girl.” he chants under his breath. “Get in there, get to know her. Get her to like you. Get invited to the party. Invite the boys. Don’t be nervous.”

Making his way to the class, he opens the sliding door of the classroom and his eyes immediately fall on your familiar frame leaning out the back window with your chin against your forearm, your knees on the seat of the stool and your hair plunging down the sides of your face.

Staring into the classroom he notes that you were the only thing motionless in the beehive of the classroom, and Taehyung felt somewhat transfixed by the calamity that he thought might be your nature. What he hoped might be your nature.

He had always found that you were quite peculiar and compelling, but not enough to think of you as anything other than a blur in the face of blurs. He was nervous because you seemed smart. Smart enough to catch onto his plan. Smart enough to see right through him, but the allure of what your friendship could offer him outweighed any potential consequence.

Sitting down in the stool beside you, he places the box to the right of him and leans his chin on his fist to stare up at you. He wanted to be methodical with his charms, but from where he sat, it looked like you were chasing the sun and he found it amusing how the sunflowers that sat beside you almost looked like they were doing the same. He decided to run in blind, jump into the deep end with his hands tied. He was just going to be a friend. Theres no harm in that right? holla that rhymed, rm eat ur <3 out

Leaning closer to you, he clears his throat, “Hey Y/N, I know this is kind of weird but I was thinking that maybe we could be friends. I-I know its really late into the year and we haven’t r-really talked before but there is no time like the present right? What do you say?” he stammers, peering curiously close to your face.

Waiting for you to turn and reply to his overwhelmingly generous offer, he leans closer in curiosity. He questions if maybe he’s mixed you up with someone else and thats the reason why you’re ignoring him. But he knows you, and he knows he’s smart enough to distinguish you from the other blurs.

He’s so close to you at this point that he can see every freckle, every blemish and every crack of skin on your lips. He’s not sure why he’s standing so close to you, but he wants to offer his strawberry lip balm. He also wants to brush his fingers against the long length of your lashes or play with the ends of your soft hair. He feels like you’d be a nice enough person to let him, but he decides against doing any of those, you’d probably find that strange.

Cocking his eyebrows at you, he leans his head back against the window sill. “Hey, Y/N.” he says, licking his lips.

Beside the mindless chatter from other students, the clock ticking above the classroom door fills the silence between you as he waits for your response. He’s about to clap in front of your face before a gust of wind blows your hair away from your face, sending the apple and strawberry scent of your shampoo wafting towards him. He closes his eyes in awe as he lets the gentle scent clog his brain. He hasn’t smelt something so lovely in his entire life.

Looking back towards you, he admires the way your hair cascades down the back of your uniformed blouse but in turn, notices the earphones in your ears. Blushing scarlet to the tips of his ears in embarrassment, he laughs loudly at his silly mistake. Sitting back down in the stool, he rests his chin on his fist again and grins, you weren’t ignoring him.

After measuring and watering the sunflowers, you place them on the window sill beside you. Sighing into the gentle breeze you flood your brain with last nights conversation.

Your sister was arranging a massive house party at your family home. Your parents agreed and no-one bothered to ask you. How fucking rude

Mia lived in a college dorm but wanted to use the family house, where she no longer lives, under the guise of graduation celebrations. Your parents - proud and hippie, decided it was the worlds greatest idea, calling it an opportunity to “network.”.

Network my ass, any excuse to party for her was an excuse to be an asshole. You couldn’t imagine the kind of damage that would ultimately occur to your home. You didn’t want to. The idea made you grimace.

Taking a much needed deep breath, you slap your cheeks. Maybe listening to soft music will extinguish the fire you’re starting to feel grow embers in your heart.

Leaning out the window in half a daze, you put your earphones in and listen to the mellow tunes of Jim James - a favourite of yours.

Your ears are filled with the sound of rough hands and their tender love making abilities on the wooden fretboard of an acoustic guitar.

You wished wholeheartedly to be able to play guitar like that, to push people into a swell of thoughts as vigorous as he does to you. Maybe you should try learning this song Y/N, you can play, you might as well try. It can’t hurt.

The idea seemed to tug towards a favourable conclusion but before you could even continue on that train of thought, you’re being plucked from your daze and pulled back down to reality by a baritone laugh and the strong smell of cologne beside you.

Taking out your earphones, your about to tell the baritone laugher in close proximity to piss off but as you turn and face the stranger, you freeze in shock.

“Kim Taehyung.” you choke, embarrassingly swallowing the lump of anger you were about to gift his beautiful face. His cheeks were pink and his eyes looked like toe nail clippings in contrast to the impressive rectangle of teeth grinning at you; you couldn’t yell at such a face.

“So now you finally notice me.” he laughs, shifting the box beside him further away. “I’ve been trying to get your attention but you’ve been ignoring me for the past 5 minutes. Anyways, what’ya listening to?” he asks, flicking the tips of his hair out from his brows.

Sitting back down in your stool, you wrap your earphones around your phone and place it beside you. “Why do you want to know?” you frown, unsure and suspicious.

“Well, you looked so lost in thought. If music made you do that, I want to listen to it too and maybe get lost with you.” he says, rubbing his sweaty palms together.

“Uhh…” you mutter, your mouth not quite connecting with your brain. It was strangely bizarre how THE Kim Taehyung was talking to you, but you were too tired and shocked to question it. “Jim James. His song Exploding takes me places. I just fall in love with it everytime I hear it.”

Unwrapping your earphones from around your phone, you slip an earphone into his ear. You watch his eyelashes flutter unexpectedly at the soothing melody before looking back up to your eyes with an unreadable expression. He sits and stares at you for the entirety of the song.

He must not have meant to stare because when the song ends, he realises he had been and he tears his eyes away from yours in embarrassment.

You sink back into your chair as you wrap your earphones around your phone again. You feel like you just made some weird connection with him, it was unnerving.

Maybe you should’ve questioned him at this point, but as he agrees with you and talks about the music that has a similar effect on him, you’re transfixed.

You like the way he talks and the way his eyes pierce into yours to see if you’re still listening and the way he licks his lips in thought. You like the way he talks about music, you can feel an unspoken passion as you listen to him speak. Almost like there was furnace behind his eyes and he wanted you to feel the heat.

It made you excited for him but confused as to why he was pouring out his deep seeded passion so fearlessly to you. You didn’t even know him.

You can tell by the way he has to forcefully stop himself from saying anything more that he really hasn’t talked to anyone else about this. It seems to surprise him how much he’s managed to tell you because he couldn’t bring himself to stop.

He couldn’t understand what was happening all of a sudden. He felt like out of all people who would understand him, it would be you and he didn’t even know you. He regrets not choosing to use his methodical charm, he’s going in blind and he has a sinking feeling that you aren’t just some girl.

He was in love with the idea of making his own music and to have people like you fall in love with it. To fall in between the notes of his melodies and get lost, because he knew that sometimes in a town like theirs, people wanted to run away and he wanted his music to imbue a sense of passion. A sense of motivation to do it. He was happy and he wanted others to be happy too.

“Sorry, I do that. My mum says I talk too much and don’t give people the chance to talk.” he laughs, rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly. “Are flowers your thing?” he asks genuinely.

Facing him, you grin. “Everyone thinks I’m obsessed with my sunflowers, they even call me the sunflower girl, but I just want them to grow well. They are my ticket out of here.” feeling a slither of a blush across your cheeks, you look over your plants with fondness. “I need to get out of this city. I want to get out of this city.”

“Whats in your box?” you ask, tearing your gaze from the flowers to his curious expression. You hoped changing the conversation would divert the tender subject. You really didn’t want to talk about being suffocated by small town people and their small town minds. You thought that it might offend him.

Taehyung doesn’t even know whats in the box. “Its a surprise,” he says, fondling the edge of it. He doesn’t know whats in the box because its not actually his work. He paid a junior in the library to fix him a last minute research paper and evidence of the “work”.

He could’ve done it himself but he hadn’t actually attended a single science class that year and had no idea what the assignment was on. Not wanting her to know about that, he diverts the conversation, much like how she did before.

“Hey, lets not talk about science. I’d much rather talk about you. I want to get to know the sunflower girl.” he eagerly admits, inching closer until his knees were touching yours.

Surprised by his flirtation, you move back in your seat, grab your sunflowers by their shared pot plant and hold them close to your chest.

You want to hide in a hole right now because the comment came out of nowhere and your body wasn’t ready and your cheeks are starting to heat up and you’re sure they are pink and shit.

“Why?” you cough. Is he flirting with me? Why would he be flirting with me? I’m not even that good looking…

“I just want to make friends with everyone before grad,” he laughs loudly, subduing your suddenly insecure thoughts. “And why not?” he grins, suddenly feeling confident with himself as he watches you shy behind the petals.

Leaning forward in his seat so his knees were touching yours again, he remembers his agenda and what he was supposed to be doing.

Not wanting to waste any more time, he strokes the sunflower petals hanging in front of your lips, he makes sure to accidentally stroke your cheek. He’s grinning at how perfect this moment is becoming, you sitting there with flustered pink cheeks, him with sudden unwavering confidence in his abilities to charm. It made his job easier and he felt less guilty doing it.

“Come on Y/N, lets put these in the experiment room and spend the rest of the class talking. I want to be good friends with you and we can talk more about the music you like! I feel like we have a similar taste,” He smiles, wrapping his arm around yours as he pulls you up and out of your seat. “So, what do you say? Yes?”

His excited chestnut eyes simmer down to crescent moons as he waits for an answer. You nod your head and mutter back with a small smile, repeating what he said earlier, “Why not.”

Taehyung pulls you closer to him as you both carry your experiments to the experiment room. He was giddy and excited, much like a child.

You can practically feel your heart swimming in your ears in response as you look up to Taehyung and his cheshire grin. You can’t help but wonder why he was trying so hard. What good would your friendship be to him.

You’re about to ask him when all of a sudden he moves his hand to the small of your back, gently prodding you through the door. You hate how much of an impact the small gesture has on you, as your thoughts break and fall apart, filling your body with tiny flickers of electricity.

Its in that moment that you realise that you’re a goner. You don’t even need to dwell on it. Your body and your mind like Kim Taehyung.

And looking down at your flustered expression, Taehyung realises right then and there that he’s got you hook, line and sinker.

You remember the exact moment Taehyung sent you a message when you got home. You were sitting opposite your sister as your parents showered her in loving attention for her potentially fake academic success.

You felt invisible whenever she came home and no matter how hard you tried to talk, you were the ignored younger sibling pining for attention and you hated it.

You stayed silent with your claws in at your end of the table on the basis that after the party, you would become the favourite. There was no way she could hold that down knowing her social circle and how crazy the party will definitely be.

Feeling an alert from your phone tucked into the pocket of your jeans, you stop playing with your peas and pull it out. The silence you had adopted at the table, turned into a series of gasps and muttering under your breath once you read the message.

“What you doing? p.s. its Taehyung.”

You don’t even question how he got your number before you reply back with a timid greeting, you were just thankful that he saved you from a boring ass dinner with your family.

You were practically glued to your phone messaging him that night. He was on a roll with the worst jokes you’d ever heard when your sister finally notices your lack of attention.

“Y/N, who are you texting?” she smirks suggestively, leaning behind you. “Is it a boy?”

“Its just this boy from school, we started talking today.” you grin, turning back to your phone. “He’s funny — thats why I’m smiling, we are just friends.”

Mia smiles at you and then to your parents knowingly. “I didn’t ask but thanks for clarifying. Whats your boyfriends name?” she laughs, lunging for the phone.

“He’s not my boyfriend!” you shriek, snatching your phone back. “Leave me alone.”

“Who is Taehyung?” she laughs, running after you. “I’ll find out! You can’t hide anything from me!”

She gives up chase when you lock your bedroom door behind you. You doubt, no, you hope that she won’t remember his name. Mia is the kind of girl to beat up boys that like you, she was so over protective that it hurt.

Sinking back into the paradise of your sheets, you fall back into an endless exchange with Taehyung.

You spend all weekend and till dawn hiding under your covers texting him. It was comforting to have someone to talk to on a similar wave length, you didn’t feel as alone.

You were surprised by how much you had learnt about him in two days and how easily he got you to open up.

He loved making music and acting, his parents decided to prolong the vacation they were on to a year and he hated how he didn’t have the nerve to talk to you earlier.

You both agreed that there was this strange understanding between you, potentially caused by how much in common you had with him, but something felt …strange.

You couldn’t put your finger on it. He seemed to have either mood swings or personality swings, it almost seemed like you were talking to two different people, but you didn’t question it. You put your faith in that maybe he was just tired.

Walking the back routes to school the following week, you notice a group of boys standing beside the back entrance. They were huddled into a circle, seemingly up to no good. They looked intimidating — cigarettes hanging from their fingers, serious and hard facial expressions, and they were listening to loud rap music. It was almost scary how unapproachable they looked and how much you suddenly wanted to run away without them seeing you.

Staying out of sight, you wondered if it was worth turning back and walking to the front entrance. You didn’t want any trouble and they looked exactly that.

Looking back up to the group again you notice the familiar silhouette of Kim Taehyung hiding in the corner of the group and immediately feel your heart ricochet against your ribs. He had wanted you to come find him when you got to school so he could introduce you to his friends, you didn’t think you’d be able to so quickly.

Slowly approaching the group, your confidence begins to waver. They looked like they were well into a serious conversation and you didn’t want to interrupt.

Stopping beside a tree, you grab your phone out to text him, but when your name is said in the centre of the group ahead, you stop.

“Dude no, Namjoon and I spent the entire weekend talking to her.” Taehyung groans, running his hands through his hair.

Jumping behind the tree, you press your back against the trunk. You weren’t sure if eavesdropping was entirely appropriate, but your instincts told you to stay and do exactly that.

“Its going to work! I heard that they were throwing it at her house. I just need to talk to her a bit more okay. Y/N is too easy, don’t even worry. She’ll invite me. And then I’ll get you guys invited, its a no brainer,” he yells, scraping his shoes against the concrete, “We get along, she’s actually kind of cool for a loner.”

“I just feel bad for her. We shouldn’t use people like this, its not kind.” his blonde haired friend mutters empathetically.

“Such is life. You gotta do what you gotta do Yoongi.” he groans, stamping out his cigarette. “Come on, we gotta get to class. Its the last week and Namjoon and I want to vandalise the math block.”

You stay behind your tree and watch them saunter through the gate into school. You were shaking with adrenaline and disbelief and anger. The heart that was creeping up your body at the sight of him, gyro dropped to the pits of your stomach and your blood boiled in rage.

You suddenly felt guilty, felt horrible and felt like he just violated your privacy. No, he did violate your privacy. Holding a hand over your chest, you struggle to exhale. The hurt lodged into your throat like a rock and you were afraid that your emotions would get the best of you and that you’d cry a river right then and there.

You had told him too much about yourself and the thought that someone who had an ulterior motive for your friendship knows what others don’t and shouldn’t know, made you want to curl into yourself and cry in frustration.

You just wanted to have one thing, one nice thing in your life and you wanted that to be him. You hoped that it would be him, but Taehyung was terrible and if life teaches you anything about misery, its that terrible comes in twos.

Opening the door to the experiment room, that afternoon, you gawk at the crowd of people around your flowers. “Why is everyone standing around my sunflowers?” you ask, your voice faint, suddenly wracked with nerves.

Either your project was stunningly beautiful or something was terribly wrong. You were almost too certain that it was the latter, your classmates were too competitive to care if you did well.

The group of people surrounding your work stare at you sympathetically before moving out of the way, creating a clearing for you to see the state of your plants.

Sucking in a sharp breath from the site of them, you drag your feet defeatedly closer and closer through the clearing, disbelief indisputably on your face.

Stroking one of the last remaining petals, you slump against the edge of the table when it breaks off between your fingers.

They had withered. The once vibrant yellow replaced by a dull brown.

The students surrounding you bowed and politely left, eager to leave the awkwardness of having to comfort a top student who had definitely screwed up the worlds easiest assignment. And in doing so, uncovered the experiment box that sat beside yours.

“Ripening Bananas - Kim Taehyung”

“Y/N Y/N Y/N!” Taehyung yelps gleefully as he enters the room, passing the group of students. The sound of his happiness as he jumps in glee, burns a couple holes in your defence as you try your best to hold back your emotions as he approached you.

“Why didn’t you come and say hi to me?” he asks, playful bouts of disappointment sketched into every word. You don’t look at him but you can imagine his face contort with that cute little pout he does that seems to make everything naught.

Taking a deep breath, you move out of the view of the flowers, so Taehyung can see.

“Your flowers,” his eyes glisten with sympathy as he pulls you into an urgent, somewhat sincere hug. “I’m so sorry. You must be so upset.” he says into the crook of your neck, with the heat of his breath making you shiver against him as he rubs circles into your back.

You know he’s trying to be comforting or play the part of a comforting friend but you stand rigid against him. It’s taking all of your willpower not to wrap your hands around his neck and squeeze the air out of him.

Pushing him away, you stare at him incredulously, suddenly filled with anger. “Your idea of a surprise was ripening bananas? Why did you put your box next to mine knowing my assignment was on flowers Taehyung? I even told you how much this assignment meant to me.”

Wrapping his hand around your elbow, he murmurs lowly. “What are you talking about? What did I do?”

Shoving his hand away you point to his box. “What did you do? Taehyung, ripening bananas produce ethylene gas that causes disruption of life to flowers. You put your box right next to my flowers. You killed my flowers.”

“I didn’t know Y/N, believe-

“The assignment was on respiration, how did you not know that?”

“I-I didn’t know?” he stutters. “I definitely didn’t mean to do this, I know how much they meant to you. I would never try to hurt you.”

“Are you lying to me right now?” you ask, stepping closer to him.

“I wouldn’t lie to you. I’m sorry, I didn’t know.” he yells, begging for forgiveness with his eyes.

“You wouldn’t lie to me? Thats hilarious. Save it Taehyung.” you say, holding your hand up. “Just don’t.”

Pushing passed him, he watches silently as you yourself process what just happened. You couldn’t even argue against your results, the assignment was designed to be autonomous and you were responsible for controlling the flowers environment.

You did enough research to pass but the state of your results couldn’t guarantee even a B. Your grade had dropped and so did any hope of leaving this place.

Holding the door handle, you take a deep breath. “It was nice talking to you and Namjoon over the weekend, but had you got your facts straight, you would’ve known that my sisters party is open house. And, I’m not easy. I was just being kind even if I am a loner..”

“How did you-

“It doesn’t matter how I know.” you interrupt. “Just don’t talk to me again.”

Taehyung jumps forward to grab your arm, making you turn and face him. “No, stop. That was nothing. I didn’t mean any of that. Why would I? We talked — I talked, I haven’t talked to anyone like that in years and I did with you! We, us, I liked it a lot and so did you. You can’t deny that, I know how you feel. ” he yells, holding onto your arm to prevent you from leaving. “I don’t know what it was or what we are and I admit I was being a douchebag, but do you really think I put in all that effort just to get an invite to a party?”

You could feel the tension hang in the air as if it were a tangible object and you could see his brain run miles behind his desperate eyes, it felt like he was saying he might’ve liked you. Wait, did he just admit that he did.

How ridiculous.

Was he doing it in some last ditch effort to seem innocent, like his actions were warranted? You couldn’t trust him. He still approached you with an ulterior motive, and knowing that he did, discounted most of the priceless rom com interactions you had replayed countlessly in your mind. You didn’t even want to look at him, you despised liars.

“Yes, yes I do Taehyung.” Shaking his arm off of yours. “Come to the party if you want, just don’t bother me again. I can’t believe I was so stupid to even maybe kind of like you. Did you have fun making fun of me behind my back while I poured my feelings, ambitions and insecurities over text to eyes that should’ve only been yours? Did you and Namjoon joke about them together? Did you even once consider how I would feel? Did you even consider me as a friend?”

“Y/N, it wasn’t like that.” he snaps. “At first it was, but things changed.”

“Yeah things changed my ass, you got caught out lying. Theres more to life than pleasing your friends and hurting strangers Taehyung.”

“Strangers?” he asks, his eyes filling with a flame you couldn’t recognise. “Is that what you think you are to me?”

“Oh, I’m not? You think a week of talking under false pretence makes you qualified to be more than that? Look, I’m done. I want to go home and cry over how stupid I am. For the first time in my entire life I felt excited over something as trivial as a morning message, I got butterflies and I felt nervous coming to school because I knew you’d talk to me again. After everything that I’ve been through, I thought that I’d throw caution into the wind and open my heart. What a mistake that was. You aren’t as nice as you think you are Kim Taehyung. And now I know that too.” you yell, finally fed up with this entire situation. He’s surprised by your tone of voice and his face pales and his lower lip quivers. He looks sad or hurt, you don’t know which but the image stays painted on the back of your eyelids when you give him one last once over before running down the hallway.

You kind of hoped Taehyung would chase after you to apologise, to say something, but Taehyung was afraid you’d maul him if he followed, so he didn’t.

He didn’t even say sorry.

Stopping in the empty school hallway, you promised yourself then and there that you would never fall in love or even in like with Kim Taehyung. You were nearly charmed, you were nearly romanced by it all too.

You were so stupid.

After the graduation ceremony, you walked to the hair salon and asked them to cut and dye your hair. Getting a shade lighter from your natural dark brown hair, you decide bangs could be cute and get that too. You donate all of your clothes to charity and you throw out every single piece of high school paper.

You felt better and you felt stronger.

Your first year of university was nice. You made lots of friends in the music department and put a lot of effort into your social life. You were opening your wings and becoming a social butterfly.

It felt nice. It felt right.

It was in the second semester when you realised that you attended the same university as Taehyung. He was in the acting department, so your classes were on opposite sides of the campus.

You thought he would be gracious enough to avoid you. You weren’t forgiving enough to a person who didn’t seem at all apologetic, even if he was young and stupid at the time.

You were stubborn.

He did try to talk to you when he noticed you sitting alone in the library or waiting in line at the cafe by uni for your usual vanilla chai latte. He couldn’t understand the campus craze about that love story and how the entire female student body would order it in some weird romance fetish.

Standing three people behind you in the line, he watches you swipe your card into the eftpos machine and make small talk with the famous chestnut barista.

“I’m not a doctor or anything but these drinks are like tranquillisers and are so good for my dysfunctional sleeping patterns.” you grin, handing the machine back to him.

“It’s good to hear that I do more than just rope hearts in with those drinks. Hey, speaking of hearts, Mia was telling me the other day that she barely sees you. Spare me a favour and go see her? I want to be able to kiss my girlfriend without your sister barging through the door and ruining the mood. I love your sister but I love my girlfriend more.”

“Ew, okay. Thanks for telling that?” you raise your eyebrows as the other barista hands you your drink. “I still can’t believe how famous you and your girlfriend are. It disgusts me. Anyways, have a good day Hoseok.”

“Sounds like someones lonely. If you want a boyfriend, I have friends who are single. Just say the word,” he winks, making you blush. “You have a great day too Y/N, I’ll see you later.” he laughs, waving at you as you leave.

Deciding against caffeine, Taehyung runs after you as you leave. This would be attempt number 7 at trying to talk to you. Rounding the corner of the cafe, he swears under his breath when he watches you pant as you get in your car and leave.

You ran. Again,.

Truth be told you saw him in the line as your waited for your drink. You felt his scolding gaze on your back the entire time and knew he would try and talk to you as you left, but running away from those situations before they could happen became your signature move.

Your relationship with him, without actually having any resemblance of a relationship, was tiring. Innocent glances from across lecture theatres or when he saw you at parties, curious glances in study groups and awkward tension if you were too close. The tiring part was avoiding him.

No-one could understand why you’d want to avoid him. He was good-looking, stylish and smart, but your friends helped you run away anyway. They kind of liked being affiliated with Taehyungs group of attractive friends, but found the tension between you and him too suffocating to bare. So out of respect for your friendship, they didn’t ask questions and they didn’t intervene.

Again, you were thankful.

Taehyung couldn’t hide it anymore. He was sick of your flat tyre attitude and your motivated agenda to always avoid him. He just wanted to be friends with you, so he could live comfortably. He wanted to apologise and move on, but you wouldn’t let him.

At the very end of your first year, and the beginning of summer school. You moved in with your sister. You couldn’t afford to live in the dorms anymore and you were glad you had her apartment to fall back on.

You couldn’t sleep and your neighbours were loud and everything was a clusterfuck of suck. Of course you knew your sister liked to throw parties and casual get togethers, you figured it would be a weekend only thing. Just so long as you got good sleep on the weekdays, you were happy.

What you didn’t know about the arrangement was how exclusive she had become with Taehyung and his friends.

True to form, on the day of your high school graduation, she found Taehyung and pulled him into an affectionate bear hug in pure unadultered joy. She couldn’t thank him enough and Taehyung seemed to marvel at the affection and felt less guilty. Atleast someone came out of the situation happy.

After meeting his friends and becoming fond of his older friend Jin, they attached themselves to her parasitically. They enjoyed the benefits of her friendship, while you eternally rolled your eyes. Had you known that Taehyung would almost always be in the same domain, you probably would’ve just found a job instead and stayed in the dorms.

But you didn’t. You weren’t going to let him dictate your life.

The casual drink ups she hosted meant late nights at the library or at a cafe, staying over at friends houses and doing everything you can to avoid him. It was practical and beneficial for your academics. You got lots of work completed before their deadlines and lots of guitar practice in between.

You were happy.

Sitting at his second year introductory lecture for his music paper, Taehyung flicks the freshly died red tips of his hair out from his face as he waits for the lecture to begin. “So boring.” he moans, shifting his body to comfortably mould into his seat.

Dropping his head onto the arm he had sprawled across his desk, he closes his drooping eyes. Usually he’d be concerned and worried over the absence of his desk partner, but he was so tired from the festive events of last night to even care. His thirst for alcohol was drying up and he found himself sober almost all of the time, in search for something that will make him feel even more alive.

You were still ignoring him and he was becoming increasingly aware of your presence and your stupid strawberry apple scented shampoo that drove him crazy. He didn’t want to but he couldn’t tear his eyes away from you whenever you were near.

At this point he had tried everything but talking to you to get your attention and he needed something that would make you stay long enough so he could.

He watched you run away like you were the plague a million times before he realised that it bothered him. Its not like he had dated you or thought of you as anything other than potential. Its just that it was weird and it didn’t feel right that you hated him so much.

They were just sunflowers.

He mulled over how much he screwed up a potentially great friendship and was willing to work hard to gain your trust, to be friends again.

He wanted to listen to music with you or stand in cafe lines laughing with you. He wanted to study and have deep 3am conversations with you. He wanted you to pass by him with a smile and a wave like you did with everyone else. He just wanted you to be okay with him.

It was the simple things really that made him feel like he was a firework, burning up all on his own and all because of you.

The door to the lecture hall opens and bangs against the wall loudly but Taehyung doesn’t look up. Instead, he nuzzles into the crook of his elbow, feeling the lull of sleep slowly pull him into the void.

“I’m sorry I’m late. Oh, it hasn’t started? Oh thank the heavens,” you say, panting to the teaching assistant seated by the door. “My seat? Oh, next to the sleeping boy? Alright, thank-you. Sorry again.”

You rush down the aisles of desks to find the last vacant seat.

You had accidentally put your alarm on PM instead of AM and only had 10 minutes to run like hell to class. You weren’t able to apply make up or tame your wild wet hair in time. You looked like shit, but atleast you were well rested.

Placing your bag on top of the desk, you slink hurriedly into the chair beside him eager to get this class over and done with. Leaning back in your chair, you relax your breathing and fan your hot red face.

Pushing in your chair, you take out your notebook and pen, preparing to take any important notes. The movement ushers your sleeping desk partner awake and he groans at the displeasure.

Licking his lips, Taehyung sits up and looks at his rude desk parter with the intention of telling them to soften their movements so he can sleep a little longer. But he stiffens and the words die in his mouth when he realises who his desk partner is and then suddenly, Taehyung doesn’t think this class will be boring anymore.

“Y/N.” he smiles.

“What are you doing here?”

Opening the front door to an ocean of drunk college seniors wasn’t exactly what you had in mind on a Friday night. The plethora of sweaty bodies and the throbbing of bass music made it nearly impossible for you to enter the safety of your home.

It was kind of intoxicating, the feel of it all. How the lights cascaded down in strobes of red and green, and how the crowd of dancers throbbed against the music, hungry to climb the peak of the beat. You were surrounded, completely surrounded by strangers in your own home.

Only God knows how many people have trashed your room now, have peed in your plants or have consummated drunken regrets in your bed.

But where was all the furniture? you thought. You were sure a lamp used to live by the door, and a couch against the far wall and you remembered family portraits hung everywhere, but everything was gone. The house was completely empty of your stuff.

Pushing through the brick walls of strangers, your eyes get pulled up from the ground by some magnetic force to Jins concerned chestnut orbs across the room.

Waving you over with a smile, you spot Mia beside him talking to her friends. You didn’t exactly hate her friends but because they practically lived in your house, you held them each accountable for every Friday night and every piece of broken furniture. This party was out of control though, there was no way in hell that Mia threw this on her own knowing the reputable harm they could suffer trying to find another rental apartment when they would eventually get evicted.

Anger built up in the pit of your stomach at the sight of her laughing, the infectious sound spreading to her friends. How could she laugh this off when the impeding homeless status loomed so high above your heads.And wasn’t there a TV there before?

Walking passed Jin, you shove Mia’s shoulder. “What is this? And where is all of our stuff?”

“At Taehyungs.” she slurs in response. “And guess what! No rent! So you don’t have to work at that cafe!” she yells happily, affectionally rubbing your face with her sweaty palm. She was drunk. Very drunk.

Shoving her hand away, you step forward in anger. “That doesn’t explain why you have a whole college of people in our house. If someone breaks a window, or a wall, we can’t afford to fix it.”

“Y/N, I tried. I really did.” Jin smiles apologetically, letting Mia lean on him.“Taehyung should be around if you want to talk with him. I’m sorry that this had to happen without you knowing.”

Poking the inside of your cheek with your tongue, you gape at him incredulously. “Jin, lets skip the bullshit apologies. Sorry didn’t stop you from drinking your gin or inviting your friends. And I have a working phone too you know.” Running your hands through your hair, you take another deep breath.

You can’t remember a time where you weren’t frustrated with these people. “Just look after her.” you spat, stepping away from the group and turning around in search for a drink or for something that could make you less annoyed at the world.

Spotting a chilli bin of alcohol leaning against the wall, you rush over and open the lid. Grabbing the first beer bottle your excruciatingly sober fingers could find, you twist the bottle cap off against your forearm and slowly bring it to your mouth. You weren’t sure if jumping into the cess pool of beer was a good idea, what was the rhyme, beer before grass your on your ass, grass before beer you’re in the clear?

You never understood what that exactly meant, were you supposed to eat some sort of grass? Is that why guys like to drink beer outside? Either way, you planned to be on your ass blind drunk by 1, or in twenty minutes if you were lucky. Hoping to be lucky, you scull the drink at full force and slam the bottle down on the table beside you. The alcohol swirled a cautious reminder of your lightweight status as you felt your stomach already detest the quick consumption.

“Holy shit, that was impressive.” a voice cheers beside you. Turning your face to acknowledge the person invading your silent rage, you almost immediately roll your eyes. The boy was leaning leisurely against the wall in ripped black skinny jeans and a white button up with a black leather jacket. And the boy was Kim Taehyung.

Suddenly feeling frustrated again, you bite your bottom lip. No amount of alcohol can iron out the wrinkles Taehyung makes in the sheets of your rage, even if he did look sexy as hell doing it.

“Tough day?” he asks, taking a sip from his bottle. “You look like you want to kill someone.”

Narrowing your eyes at him, you scoff. “Just go away.”

“Maybe I will.” he frowns, dangling the bottle in front of your face. “Or maybe I won’t.”

The see-through bottle of vodka that hung loosely from his fingertips cried out an incessant need to be wasted and the more his crescent moon eyes burned holes into your skin, the more you wanted to rip the bottle from his stupid murderous hands and save yourself from having to converse with him.

You hated Taehyung and you were pretty sure Taehyung hated you back. You did spend a good year and a half completely ignoring him, so not without good reason.

Knowing that though didn’t stop you from ripping the bottle from his slimy fingers and bringing it to your mouth. He already hated you, so theres no point in being nice really. “Y/N’s a bad girl hey?” he laughs, watching you practically inhale his alcohol.

Regretting your decision almost immediately, you close yours eyes against the strong burn of vodka. “You know Taehyung, I could say the same about you.” you choke, still feeling the burn of the vodka in your throat.

Taehyung relaxes against the wall in a silent fit of laughter. “That would’ve burned me had it not burnt you first.” he grins, tilting his face to study yours.

“Why are you staring at me?” you ask, still grimacing from the vodka.

“I want you to smile at me. We are desk partners and you refuse to show me them pearly whites, how could I not want to see you smile,” he stammers, crossing his arms over his chest. “I want to hear your laugh too.”

You weren’t sure if it was the intimacy of his attention or the alcohol that was making you blush, either way, you wanted no part in it. “Bold demand from you Mr. Popular Kim Taehyung. Go away, you’re drunk.”

“I’m not drunk, I just —you never do and I want you too.” he says, stepping forward.

You groan loudly at his eagerness to trap you into a conversation. Putting your arms in the pocket of your jumper you yell over the music. “Well I would if you got the hint, or the hints for the past two years that I don’t actually like you.”

He laughs, stepping close to whisper in your ear. “We’re roommates now. Can’t we just forget high school and move on with our lives. Well, mainly you because I’m over it,” His breath sends a shudder down your spine as he adds in a low voice. “I’d really like to be friends with you.”

He was so close to your face that you could see the pores on his nose and how red and dilated his eyes were. It only made you grimace harder. “I can see right through you Taehyung. Hot guys like you only want one thing.”

“You think I’m hot?” he grins, winking at you suggestively.

Standing straighter you poke your finger into his chest, pushing him away from you. The room was already suffocating enough, closeness between you and him wasn’t exactly helping the anxiety you felt.

“Oh please, even you think you’re hot.” you grimace. “Don’t look at me like one of the girls you think you’re going to get. I refuse to like assholes like you.”

“What if I’m not like the others?” he asks, his eyes twinkling under the strobes of light. “You refuse to like me? We’ll see about that.” he grins, putting his sunglasses on and swiping another bottle of vodka from the chilli-bin. “Just want to mention that I feel blessed that you stopped ignoring me two months ago and everyday feels like a dream when you aren’t being the ice queen to me. How about we get out of here?”

“You can go and take all your five hundred people with you.” you grin, satisfied with your comeback. “Desk partners don’t ignore each other, especially when they have to actually do work together. You should count your blessings that I decided to be nicer to you.”

“I do everyday. Wait, is that half of a smile I see? Must be my lucky day. Come on, lets have some fun.” he beams, pushing off against the wall and pulling you within the crowd of people.

“Let me make myself clear Taehyung, this does not change how much I do not like you.” you frown and he mirrors your expression.

Pulling you harder towards him, he yells loudly over the music. “Thats good to know because I hate you too. Come on.”

Clinging to his extended hand, you watch his back get swallowed by the crowd. Had it not been for his hand holding yours tightly, you probably would’ve let go.

You have no idea where he’s taking you but in that very moment, you don’t care. Where the vodka goes, you go. The alcohol made you feel free and the idea of being around the campus hottie and notorious sunflower murderer, made you feel more alive than you cared to admit.

In your first year of university you had made some pretty horrible friend choices. They showed you a life outside of the books and inside the clubs - a boring adventure you had pretended to love so much that sometimes now, you crave it.

Taehyung tugs your hand and pulls you down the hallway, you hadn’t even realised you were holding your breath until he turns to ask if you are okay. You half smile and grab the second bottle out of his hands. Maintaining your eye contact with him, you take a drink.

“I am now.” you murmur, wiping your mouth with your arm. “Was this your idea of getting out of here?” you say, taking in the emptiness of the hallway outside your old bedroom door.

He laughs lowly. “You looked like you were going to have a panic attack or something back there. Thought you’d appreciate some air.”

You blink back his words. “Thats actually kind of thoughtful but I think I’ll be fine after a couple more drinks. Oh, and if I get drunk …stay away from me okay.”

He salutes you and opens your door. “Lets drink in here, its better than out there.” You nod and he clinks his bottle with yours. “We’re not stopping until these bottles are empty okay.”

“Sounds like a plan to me.” you yell, running into the room as he closes it behind you.

You swayed to the music as a rush suddenly filled your veins. Taehyung was laughing and drinking and swaying with you and the feeling of not being alone felt so addictive it felt almost right. Its not until the morning after where you fully understand the gravity of your choice of drunk company and why addiction is usually a bad thing.

The splitting headache that threatened to tear the hemispheres of your brain apart, held your drunk adventures with Taehyung captive and you weren’t sure if that was a good or a bad thing. Looking down at your almost naked body, you can only assume that whatever happened between you and him wasn’t good.

Why do I have no shirt on?

Sliding back into your jumper, you closely observe your skin. You didn’t have hickies or any other evidence of sex —good. You were alone — also good and the bedroom door was locked — amazing.

“Y/N, wake up please. Seriously oh my god, fucking wake up already!” Mia yells, pounding profusely on the bedroom door. “Y/N, we need to leave now!” she panics, kicking the door. Opening the door, your immediately pulled behind your sister and dragged out of the house.

Apparently you only had approximately twenty minutes to get out of the apartment before the police would be called and Mia had been frantically trying to unlock the door and get you out. Pushed into Mias car, you can only smile at the eighth forced eviction since living with her and how Mia’s party had completely trashed the house.

How someone managed to put chairs into the tree on the front porch, burn the grass into the shape of a giant dick and destroy the mailbox was beyond you.

Banging her head against the steering wheel again she laughs. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. That sleeze - our landlord, he came over two nights ago and ….I had this feeling but I ignored it. Probably shouldn’t have ignored it, I mean it could have been you instead.” she stops, banging her head again and resting it on the steering wheel. “I just didn’t want to think he would do it, you know. Or that anyone of his esteem would.”

“What are you talking about?” you murmured, placing your hand on her shoulder. “Mia whats happened?”

“I thought it was suspicious that our rent was so cheap. That dirty bastard tried to touch me —I let him in thinking that he was fixing a drainage leak and he cornered me in the lounge. I kept saying no and he wouldn’t listen. So I socked him in the nose like dad taught us.” she says, shaking her head against the steering wheel. “I’ve never seen a nose break so hard Y/N. I nearly felt sorry for him. ”

Mia raises her head, her eyes puffy and gloomy as she peers at you. “I’ve never seen a grown man run so fast. And then I called my friends looking for a place to stay and Taehyung offered his home.”

Placing her head back on the steering wheel, Mia sighs loudly. “We officially live with Kim Taehyung now. Isn’t life great.”

You pat Mias back, “Well, we should probably go home then.”

Mia scoffs, gaping at you incredulously, “What no argument?”

“No point.” you murmur in reply. “I can understand now why you threw such a big party. I only regret not smashing a window.”

Mia laughs, starting the ignition and driving out of the driveway. “Y/N as your older sister I need to say that if a guy treats you like shit, you sock them so hard in the mouth that their mother will feel it and regret birthing such a creature. Okay?”

You nod in agreement and she rubs your shoulder. “I hope you don’t ever have to be put in a position where you feel like violence is warranted. Its scares me just thinking about it.”

Covering her hand on the steering wheel as she drives, you give it a comforting squeeze. “Everything is going to be okay, we’ve got each other. Lets just go to Taehyung’s, maybe report him and then forget about it.”

You and Mia nod in agreement and drive in silence to his house. He lived close to campus so his house wasn’t that far away from yours.

Mia had to triple check the address on the phone to him because the house he directed her to was the biggest and most lavish house on the block.

You stayed outside to admire the urban architecture of the two story building as she raced inside. The house was huge and the front lawn was bigger. The inside was even more impressive. Mahogany wooden floors, cream walls and home decoration on every single wall. The lounge was comfortable. Dark grey carpet, light beige furniture and an automatic fire place as the centre piece. You could see yourself sitting in front of it reading a book. It was honestly the dream house from the Sims you never had the patience to build.

It was a little unbelievable how Taehyung was the only person living in this house, but it kind of made sense as to why he never goes home. To be on your own in this house would drive anyone crazy.

As instructed by Mia, Taehyung preferred if you had the room next to his and Mia have the upstairs bedroom. You couldn’t think of a particular reason why but you didn’t care enough to ask. After unpacking your belongings, you set your books on your nightstand and lay atop your new bed.

You hear the low hum of Taehyung singing through the wall and you bathe in the sound. He was a good singer and the jazz quality of his voice sent electricity through your body. Curling in on yourself, you press your ear against the wall and smile. The longer you listened the harder it felt like your heart was consuming itself.

“I wonder what he’s doing?” you whisper before being startled by your thoughts. Why you were wondering what he was doing? You hate him Y/N.

Do I? The question itself provokes a train of broken memories from the night before and you feel the constraints of your hangover letting go as you cover your mouth in shock or more so, in embarrassment.

Taehyung slips out of his ripped black jeans and covers his lower body with the empty chip bowl. “Stop staring at me, I’m shy.”

You laugh. “Oh please, you didn’t look shy when I caught that girl over the summer break giving you a blowjob in the recording studios at school.” Narrowing your eyes, you bring your index finger to your temple, “What was her name, Ellie?”

Taehyung drops the chip bowl and you watch it fall.

“Fine. You get this question wrong and your jumper and shirt come off. What is a group of bears called?”

“Taehyung! Are you serious? Who’s going to know that?” you whine, nearly falling over in the process.

“So you don’t know what a group of bears are called.” he snorts, throwing his hands in the air in success. “Clothes. Off. Now.” he snarls, leaning on the bedroom door for support.

Disappointed in the unfair game but too drunk to even second guess his ulterior motive, you groan.“You can’t laugh at my bra choice okay, had I known I would be taking my clothes off, I would’ve avoided you.”

“Yeah but you didn’t and we’re best friends now. So, don’t be mean.” he says, sliding down the door to sit on the ground.

Turning away to rip off your jumper, you take your time with the buttons on your blouse. You weren’t wasted but you felt drunk enough to need the wall for support.

“Hurry up! We haven’t finished the game. I don’t like losing.” he moans, leaning his head against the wall again and closing his eyes.

Turning back around, you stumble to grab the bottle of vodka at your feet, but stop when you realise its empty. “Fucking hell Taehyung, can’t a girl be shy?” you sob, slowly sliding the blouse off.

“You aren’t a ..girl ..you are …um” he stammers, eyes glued to your chest. “Those are nice.”

Feeling defensive, you cover your chest with your arms. “I don’t remember allowing commentary on my body. You’re too sober, drink.”

Taehyung smiles a cheeky grin. “I wanted to be a bit sober to remember.”

Running your hands across your stomach, you walk towards him. “You might as well since you are never going to see my body again.”

Leaning down to grab the bottle of alcohol sitting beside him, Taehyung pulls you down to his lap.

“Here.” he says, passing you the bottle. Taehyung watches you closely wrap your lips around the top of the bottle and pour the contents down your throat. He found it strangely erotic watching you drink, especially with how close you were and how nice your boobs looked at his angle.

Pulling the bottle away from your mouth, you bring it to his mouth. “No stopping until they are empty remember! Drink.”

Holding the bottle to his mouth, he stares at you through slitted eyes and you innocently touch his biceps. “I didn’t think you’d be so muscular,” you admit sheepishly, trying to keep your eyes open. “I like your arms.”

He hiccups putting the bottle back down beside him, staring at you in confusion. “My arms?” you nod. “Your arms.”

Taehyung smiles down at you and wraps his arms around your waist, pulling you closer to his chest. “I like you when you’re drunk, you talk to me, you look at me, you touch me. Lets be drunk forever Y/N.” he sings, swaying you.

“Hey, stop swaying me. I’m not a baby.” you frown, poking your finger into his cheek.

Taehyung grabs your finger, his brows furrowed and eyes dark. “Can’t you be this affectionate when you’re sober?”

There was a sudden seriousness to his voice that made your heart shake as he wraps his hand around your finger, sending barbs of warmth down to your toes.

“With you?” you ask, looking into his eyes. You swear his eyes were black and bold before but now, the longer you looked, the more you saw melted caramel behind the alcohol shine. You’ve known him for years but right then and there, it felt like the first time you had ever actually looked at him.

“With me.” he says, rubbing circles into your lower back. “Just me.”

Bringing your hand up to cup his cheek, he closes his eyes and leans into your palm. The intimacy of the moment was more intoxicating than anything. The harder your heart raced against your ribs, the faster time seemed to slip away from you.

“With just you.” you murmur, running your thumb along the lines of his cupids bow to across his pink cheeks. His jaw slackened as you ran your thumb behind his ear and down his jaw to rest on his chin. His mouth was agape in wonder enjoying the pleasure of your touch and his gaze was pensive as he watched you explore his face.

Running his tongue over his lips, he watches your gaze drop to his mouth in curiosity and you watch as his lips shift to whisper your name.

“Y/N.”

You hum in response as you play with the hair on the back of his head, and slowly bring your slitted eyes to his.

“Y/N. I like you. I’m admitting it because I know you won’t remember. So Y/N, I like you and I have liked you since before I killed your sunflowers.”

Your hand stills in his hair and he goes rigid against you. For a long moment, he looks absolutely terrified of what you’re going to do next. But when you caress his cheeks with your hands, he softens into your embrace again and smiles.

You watch the edges of his mouth rise and your curiosity becomes the better of you. You wanted to know what he tasted like, what he felt like and if his kisses really did pull down stars like all the other girls said they did.

So you looked into his melted caramel eyes one last time before you leant forward and pressed your lips to his.

“Shit.” you scream, thrashing against the bedsheets. “Fuck Fuck Fuck. What have I done.”

Taehyung stops singing and almost immediately runs to your room. “Y/N, I heard you scream. Are you okay? Are you hurt?”

Looking up to meet his frazzled expression, your eyes fall to his lips and your heart begins to soar through your chest. The memory flickers through your brain like a movie, in complete disbelief that you remembered when you usually didn’t, in disbelief of his confession, in disbelief it actually happened and even more in disbelief that you wanted to do it again. Throwing your face back into the pillow, you sob into your pillows.

You kissed Kim Taehyung and you liked it.

If someone asked you to write a list of things you’re good at, you’d probably write, “I am a really good drinker.” and nothing else because you don’t remember anything in the morning enough to criticise yourself. You’re the worlds best drinker in your own right. If theres one thing you do know about drinking however, it’s that you should stop. Drinking makes you aware of how affectionately deprived you are and it bestows the confidence to be intimate with others. The strangest part about this entire thing? Wine usually makes you black out. Beer makes you regret and vodka usually takes away your night for the rest of your life. Maybe it was fate or the perils of mixing your drinks because somehow you remembered this one, or well enough to know that you and Taehyung could never just be friends anymore.

“Are you alright?” he repeats, pulling you out of your dazed expression. You were okay before but now? Now you were mad. Standing up, you shakily slap him across his cheek. The loud stinging noise cuts through the eerie silence of your new residence and the red outline of your palm makes a home on his soft olive skin. “Get. Out,” you shout, shaking with the adrenaline coursing through your veins. “Right now.” He stares back in equal amounts of shock and equal amounts of confusion. “Wh-what was that for?” he stutters, cupping his cheek. Raising your eyebrows you yell, “What was that for?!” Pacing the room, you cover your face with your hands. You were beyond embarrassed and you were beyond upset that the context of his confession last night meant that it had happened before. You were angry. You were so angry that your first kiss had been while you were drunk and while you were with him. The little shread of intimacy that you don’t normally grace, had been with him. Turning to him again, you push against his chest, pushing him towards the door. You needed to be alone, you needed to cry, you needed to do something that wasn’t around him. But as you push against him, he stands his ground and grabs your hands. Holding them above your head tightly with one hand, pulling you close to his face with the other. The red tips of his hair are touching your brows as you stand frozen, almost nose to nose, stunned by his sudden forcefulness. To be fair Y/N you did just slap him. Searching his eyes as he was with yours, you silently beg that they weren’t memories and that they were just figments of your imagination, but the longer you stare back, the quicker your anger erodes down to confusion. Your words of discomfort were lodged in your throat and you were suddenly overcome with the desire to lean forward and see for yourself if they were memories or not. “Y/N,” he says, interrupting your train of thought, his tone of voice low and heavy. “Do you remember… do you remember anything from last night?” He stares at you with bold coffee coloured eyes as you flicker your gaze down to his lips and then back to his eyes. The tension was so palpable, so dense, that the idea of staying so close to him when he was expecting an answer you didn’t want to provide, especially after hitting him, suddenly felt like a noose as you struggled to breathe.   You brush your nose against his when you pull away. Your hearts racing and your palms are sweating and you’re absolutely sure your blushing to the tips of your ears when you gape back at him. “Y/N,” He stands abruptly, grabbing your wrist again. “Do you remember us, yes or no?” “Us?” you ask, swallowing buckets of guilt as you gape at the violet artwork on his neck. I didn’t do that did I? “These aren’t from you,” he says, following your gaze. “It was a hard night.” Not wanting to ask why, you ask instead. “Do you remember anything from last night?” He avoids your eye contact at this question before shaking his head. Are we both playing coy?   “I remember everything,” he glowers suddenly, leaning against the door. “The question I want to know, is how much you remember.” He was definitely not playing coy. “Y/N!” Mia yells from down the hallway. “Come to my room, I have some of your boxes!” You’ve never been more thankful for Mia than in this very moment. Grimacing at Taehyung, you skip passed him but not without being grabbed by him again. “This conversation isn’t over.” Shaking his arm off you smile, “I don’t remember anything from last night but you giving me vodka. The headache I’m nurturing is the product of thinking it was a good idea to drink with you.” You watch his eyebrows burrow at your obvious lie. “I think you’re lying.” he says, crossing his arms over his chest. “Why would I need to do that?”, you say confidently. You weren’t sure where all this confidence to speak up was coming from and its clear from his reaction that he wasn’t sure either. Taehyung stands up straighter, removing his arms from his chest. Rubbing his neck he stutters, “W-Well o-okay the-then.” Turning from his suddenly embarrassed expression, you yell to Mia. “I’m having a shower first Mia!” shooting him one last glance, you hurriedly walk into the bathroom and slam the door behind you. Ripping off your clothes, you turn the shower on and jump underneath the stream of hot water. You suddenly felt prudent, afraid that the naivety of your nature was a trap for deceit, especially given Taehyung’s seemingly hidden manipulative side. So as you pour soap into the palm you slapped him with, you decide to erase the memory of last night and scrub away the reminder of your sinful behavior. If only water could carve away the thoughts that torment our minds.

2 Months Later

“Y/N, get in this shower right now and pull your hair out of this goddamn drain.” Taehyung growls, his loud voice echoing against the bathroom tiles. “The water isn’t going down because of you!” It had been officially two months since you started living with Taehyung and things were going well. Ignoring his obsession with wanting you to see him naked, he was a harmless kitten with now freshly dyed brown hair. “Taehyung!” you yell back. “Gross. I’m not falling for that.” He doesn’t reply but you can hear his giggles muffled by what you think might be his hands. He has too much fun trying than succeeding. Living with him didn’t turn out to be such a bad idea. He respected your privacy enough to knock before barreling into your bedroom and although you were grumpy most of the time, it didn’t incite arguments with the surprisingly bubbly and protective man child. He was immature, childish, playful and emotional, and he really loved to cuddle.   It was nice not feeling alone.   

Since your bedrooms were separated by a thin wall, after a while, Taehyung began to knock on the wall before running to your room with his pillow. The first time he did, you were so frightened that you nearly punched him in the throat. The second time he did, you were too tired to say no and had consequently woken up with his hair in your mouth and his hands on places they shouldn’t. And by the third time, you were already in love with his scent and the way he rubbed your back to sleep. It was something your mother used to do and he was welcome in your room so long as he did. Setting up a wall knocking system, one knock meant hello, are you awake and three knocks were a warning, im coming over. Despite this, living with him had become a well nurtured secret. He would warn you when his friends would come over and you would stay at the library until they left. Since he was a well known colleague of yours and a student lusted over by many, he was afraid of unneeded conflict, he was afraid of what they might think.    You avoided each other at uni but still indulged in note passing and secret winks. The thought never crossed his mind that you actually owned a phone, he enjoyed the excitement of a secret too much. So beside the handful of Mia’s friends and a couple of his, you became a secret.  

“Alright class. I want you to open your minds, I don’t want some cheap 1-minute noodle kind of essays. I want authentic, different, tasteful ramyeon. Which is exactly why this essay is now a group report.” Mr. Jones yells enthusiastically, eliciting collective groans from his audience. Waiting for the chatter and rage to simmer down, he paces behind the podium with his thumb and his index finger vice pinching his chin. His other hand furiously rubbed the purple and orange hideously checkered fabric on his stomach. You had noticed a little quirk about him, he would rub his stomach when he was bursting at the seems to yell something extraordinary or socially devastating. And from the pensive but sadistic expression he wore behind his glasses, it was the latter. “You’ll be in random groups of fours, your names are down here and yes, before you ask, I am Satan. Beside your name, feel free to sign your soul away so I know you attended the class. Oh and don’t have too much fun sharing your workload with your fellow inferno buddies. On that note, you are all free to roam your real hell. Class dismissed.” Sinking back down into your seat, you gather up your materials. You hadn’t been paying attention that entire lecture or for that fact, any of them. You were so tired all the time that you kind of just dozed off in his classes. He was too intelligent for you to keep up and you weren’t even sure what the class was on anymore.

Walking down the stairs, you hurriedly skim the papers content for your name and fell upon your group.

Claudia Smith Y/N Y/L/N  Gabby Young  Park Jimin

“There goes any prospect of a good grade,” you groan, smacking your forehead. Of all the people to get, you got your slacker friends. “Definitely not going to get any work done with this lot.” Taking a picture of the piece of paper, you send it to their Facebook accounts and in the process make a group chat.  

You  Screw our lives, we got put into a group report together for Mr. Jones’ class.

Jimin   Oh thank god, someone smart

Gabby  You don’t sound excited Y/N? That’s great news! :)

Claudia  Its bcos she’s single Gabs, single people dnt get excited over anything.

You Dump your boyfriend and date me then

Claudia Ur funny. I’ve got class now, so we could meet up tomorrow morning? Get a head start?

Jimin   I’ll date you Y/N ;) My class is next door to yours, wait up and I’ll walk you to your next class bae

You I’ll punch you in the throat Jimin.

Jimin  Sounds like a date to me baby ;) see you guys tomorrow!

Gabby  Ew guys seriously ugh. Tomorrow sounds good :)

You Don’t call me baby.  Library, 9am. See you then team.

 “Y/N,” Jimin yells as you leave the room, his cheerful voice bouncing off every surface of the hallway. “Wait up.” “I’m coming!” he yelps as you slowly start walking away, his black hair bobbing in the wind as his little legs ran towards you. Jimin had a fascination with leather pants and showing off his toned thighs, he –much like Taehyung, loved the attention. And you, much like every other girl, loved giving it to him. Who wouldn’t. Stopping beside you he hooks his arm around yours. The action was completely normal for Jimin, he was loud and proud about his affection for you, no matter how uncomfortable it made you feel. “Y/N, you’ve got comp class right now in the Murphy block right?” he grins, pushing you towards that general direction. “Lets go then, don’t want my girlfriend being late to class.” “I’m not going to ask how you know that Jimin but oh my god, don’t say that out loud because if people hear you, I will kill you.” You whisper, looking around before slapping his forearm. You had become friends with Jimin in your freshmen year. He had dropped his wallet and like the good natured person you were, you searched for him all over campus just to give it back. He admired your effort and had decided to reward you with his friendship, despite chagrin from others. Being close to guys that looked like Jimin meant the constant need to tell people you were just friends. It didn’t help that Jimin enjoyed being physically affectionate with you or that he was currently dragging you to class with a cheshire grin. The jealous stares, the malicious whispers, it didn’t cross his mind how it might affect you, he was just too happy being himself. Stopping outside the threshold of two hours of boredom with Taehyung, Jimin kisses you on the cheek and shoves your shoulders in the open classroom. You turn to wave goodbye but notice a familiar mischievous gleam in his chocolate eyes. Don’t do it Jimin, don’t you dare do it. Don’t you dare yell anything. You pray, as you turn and rush down the aisles to your seat. “Have a good day baby! Learn lots!” he shouts embarrassingly over the chatter of the classroom. I’m going to kill him. You stop rigid in the middle of the class with a frown before covering your face with your bag. You don’t need to look to know, you can feel their curious eyes burning holes into your body as the room erupts with laughter. Waiting for the class to die down, you sit up straight in your seat and set out your materials. You avoid looking anywhere but straight ahead when you can feel Taehyung’s piercing stare as he nudges you with his elbow. He sits there in silence before slipping a note onto your half of the desk, weary of prying eyes. “Are you and Jimin a thing?” You frown at the note and write back,  “Whats it to you?” Slipping it on to his desk, you hear the sharp intake of breath before he rushingly scribbles. “What’s it to me? I’m closer to you than him! Are you trying to make me jealous?” You smile before replying,  “Why would I need to go and do that?” You don’t reply to the other notes he leaves to instead focus on the lesson and after a couple angry huffs on his end, he gets the hint. You probably should tell him that you aren’t but the idea made you excited, you just loved enticing chaos. Why did it matter to him anyway, you’re a free bird! When class ends your about to ask him if he’s going straight home, but as soon as the class ends he shoots out of his seat and storms out. You don’t miss the angry look on his face as he sinks his head into his grey turtleneck sweater. You don’t miss how tightly he’s gripping his black leather bag over his shoulder and you don’t miss the way he doesn’t look back. Taehyung doesn’t come home that night but you hear him sneak in at half past 1. You hear him pant as he slips under his covers. You hear him turn over and over and over. You hear him thrash against his sheets, until you hear him perplex, “I don’t know what to do anymore.” You can almost see him burrowing his brows, rubbing his eyes and licking his lips Turning to face the wall, you hesitantly knock. If he doesn’t reply to you he hates you and you’ve screwed up, but if he does, he doesn’t hate you and you’re happy. He stops groaning and you can hear him shift closer to the wall. He knocks back after a couple minutes of silence and your heart fills with relief. Knocking back twice, you hear him muffle his giggles before he responds with three knocks. Short lived anger, okay. You laugh before knocking back but he doesn’t respond. The shifting of his sheets and the movement of his bed against the wall sound like he’s getting up, but after a couple minutes of nothing, you decide he’s probably just gone back to sleep instead. Rolling back on your side, you hear another knock, but on your door this time as Taehyung opens it and peeps his head through the crack. “Are you sleeping?” he whispers, leaning his head onto the door frame. “I can’t sleep.” Closing your eyes, you shift closer to the wall and lift up your blankets prodding him to join you and he smiles joyfully before shutting the door, rushing over and slipping under the covers. “If I was with Jimin, I wouldn’t let you do this.” You whisper as he wraps his arms around your waist. You feel the budding protest build in your throat as he pulls you close, but you swallow it down when he nudges himself comfortably against your chest. “You can’t just run away from me when you’re angry. I swear to anyone in the clouds Tae that when I do decide to date someone, you’d probably be the first to know.” Taking a deep breath, he rubs your back the way he knows you like. “Yeah, I know.”   Sinking into his arms after a while, he shifts his head up to the crook of your neck. You were grateful, his hot laboured breaths were quickly defrosting your body. It had been one of the coldest months on record and you welcomed any warmth with open arms. You couldn’t sleep. It had been more than an hour since he came in and your brain just couldn’t relax. Your entire body was on edge, you were too excited and he was way too comfortable. Turning on your back, you subtly shift his body to the side of you, his head laying on your chest, his arms splattered on your abdomen. Selfishly hugging the warmth closer, you wrap your arms around his waist and watch the branches from the tree outside cast shadows on your beige curtains. The moonlight peeped through the cracks of the frost covered window, and you watch it stream light into your room. Following the streaks up to his face, you admire how it accentuates his jaw and the prettiness of his lips. The fluttering of his eyelashes grasp your attention and your eyes widen in surprise. He was still awake. “Why are you awake?” you ask softly, running your hand through his hair. He doesn’t say anything or nudge closer like he usually does. He looks up to you instead and after a minute of exchanging weird looks, he shifts his body over yours to slowly kiss your cheek. His lips are hot and your cheeks are now undoubtedly hotter at the spontaneous intimacy. Laying his head next to yours, he whispers huskily into the shell of your ear before kissing it. “I don’t like it when Jimin kisses you.” You fight back the shudders creeping down your spine and the sudden calm air dissipates as your heart fights to stay neutral. You swear either the blood in your body has suddenly drained or Taehyung has rewired it and everything is flowing backwards. “Is that it?” you ask, avoiding his probing eyes. “You stayed up for that?”

Taehyung hovers over you again, trapping your head between his hands. The sexual tension sat uncomfortably in front of you, so tangible that you wanted to lean up and either kick it away or grab it. His hair tickled your forehead as he stared doe eyed and serious. “Yes.” he admits, “Jimin is my friend. You can’t date any of my friends.”

You laugh, “You’re friends with everyone Tae, thats hardly fair.” The butterflies in your lower stomach were stabbing holes as you watch his serious expression drip into his signature smile. Resting his head back down beside you, he smirks, “Exactly.” before falling happily back to sleep. The things he does to you. Taehyung was a mastermind at making your heart confused and as you hold him close, you wonder if maybe he was doing it on purpose because you were slowly and painfully doing what you thought you would never; you were falling for him. “Shit.”

They say that sometimes the eye of a hurricane is the safest place you can be. And as you watch time, opportunities, dreams and love zip all around you, you can’t help but feel a truth in the saying. And it scares you the most that a single movement could pull you out of comfort and rip you apart.

“What you thinking about?” you ask, nudging Taehyungs ribs. “Must be something serious from the look on your face.”

Taehyung groans loudly before throwing his head back against the couch pillows. “Nothing.” Crossing his arms over his chest, he stares up at the ceiling in complete concentration. Before heaving a sigh and whispering, “I don’t know what to do.”

You had been having these moments with him lately of complete utter silence. No words, no movement, just two people sitting side by side, thinking. The silence wasn’t always comfortable, sometimes it would feel eerie of emotion as if you could feel his feelings swirling in the air around you. He was so transparent to you now, that it almost felt strange to ask what was up, you could feel the tension hitting its peak and you knew he was going to confess.

“Well, just follow your heart then Taehyung.” you say, watching his tongue swipe over his bottom lip.

Taehyung drops any semblance of happiness before turning to face you. “And what if my heart is telling me to kiss you right now?”

The words fall out of his mouth so recklessly and so unsurprisingly that you don’t blink when you stare back. You almost looked unimpressed, but the feeling seemed so indubitably mutual that you felt as though the moment he presses his lips onto yours, the tension that seemed to accumulate in the house and in your bones would immediately dissipate.

“So what if I let you?” you whisper.

But there is something so unreal about being comfortable and okay with watching but never really having. With seeing these opportunities and never really having the motivation to seek them out because you’re happy and because the happiness you feel right now is good enough. Maybe you were better off in the middle of a hurricane, maybe you just weren’t equipped to take risks, or maybe …you just didn’t have enough of a reason to consider leaving the safety of your comfort in search for a greater purpose -in search of a greater happiness.

“I-I like you,” he stammers, shyly staring at the ground as he scrapes his shoes against the pavement in a nervous feat to avoid your gaze. “I beat up Jimin because he knows that I like you and I swear Y/N, he gets off to my jealousy.”

The sun peeks through the clouds as you laugh and your cheeks redden at the combination of Taehyung’s stare and the heat of summer. You hated summer. You hated it with a passion. Why Taehyung dragged you out of the house to take a walk didn’t make sense to you until this very moment. You laugh. “Y/N. I like you. I’m admitting it because I know you won’t remember. So Y/N, I like you and I have liked you since before I killed your sunflowers,” you mock, watching his face pale in cold hard realisation before you erupt in laughter. “I know you do. You should see your face Tae.”

He grabs your elbow, his eyes serious and expecting, “Wait, so does that mean you like me back?”

It wasn’t strange to think and feel this way, but it was strange that you never actively threw yourself into the flames, into the whirlwind or into the waves of the “what if”. But, you are now, and these thoughts, the scattering of little myriad dreams throughout the fields that floated in your skull and coursed through your veins. Made you aware that maybe you aren’t as happy as you think you are. That you aren’t as okay as you think you might be with staying stagnant and watching “what ifs” fly by. You were becoming ambitious again and greedy for more, you had a sunflower heart, earnest and searching for something more.

“Taehyung!” you yell, banging on the wall. “I’m trying to study. Turn it down or I’m coming over.”

“What was that Y/N?” he yells back before turning the sound up.

Taking off your reading glasses, you pinch the bridge of your nose in frustration before slamming down your pen and running out of your room to his. He was doing everything possible to annoy you for attention and this was the limit, you were done and you were going to beat him up. Reaching for the door handle, Taehyung rips it open on the other side instead and you fall into his arms. Not as gracefully as one would imagine as you slowly start to slip down his chest.

Everything happens too quickly for you to say anything because as soon as you’re on your knees in front of him groaning at the loud music, he has turned the music off, shut the door and turned off the lights. Picking you up, he throws you onto his bed and covers your body with the blankets before planting himself chest-to-chest.

“What the fuck Taehyung? I’m studying,” you yell, hitting his chest and untangling yourself from the sheets. “Seriously?”

“You don’t need to study, you’ve got this. You’re a smart girl.” he laughs, snuggling closer to kitten kiss your nose. “I’m giving you 5 seconds to back up your truck and let me out of here.” You say, gritting your teeth in anger. He nudges himself against you humming in content and when you get up to move, he lifts his leg over you, caging you against his body. To say you aren’t just pissed off would be an understatement, you’re fuming. “Stay with me tonight?” he says, “Just stay here, no more study. You need sleep.” You stare at him in bitter silence as he flutters his eyes closed in triumph. Lifting a foot over his, you hook it around his hips until you push yourself up to straddle his waist. Taehyung tugs his bottom lip between his teeth and his hands rest on the exposed skin of your waist as he watches you with lust-filled pupils through toenail clipping eyelids. You wonder where he thinks this is going.

“Study is my number one priority Taehyung,” you confidently remark. “I don’t have time to screw around.”

“Screw around?” he laughs before suddenly bucking his hips underneath you and you are unable to stop yourself when the half “oomph” and the half moan rips through your lips when you feel more man underneath you than you want to.

He’s smirking knowingly when he bucks his hips again, making you fall flat against his chest. “What do you think you’re doing? I have an exam tomorrow morning.”

He smiles at you as you push yourself back up. “I’m helping you relax.” His grip on your waist was tight but not tight enough; you were a professional at running away.

Your eyebrows cress with the playful challenge as you roll your hips not once but twice, against his.

His eyes widen in surprise and cheeks flush, he wasn’t expecting you to actually play along, and his hands loosen their hold enough for you to push yourself off the bed and rush out of his room.

He surprisingly doesn’t bother you for the rest of the night, but you hear his moans bounce off the bathroom tiles as he showers away his problems, or problem.

And all you can do is laugh and thank the heavens that Taehyung didn’t ruin this final exam for you given his history with ruining final assessments.

You were standing on the state lines of an opportunity and a potentially great love story. You were standing in between him and the idea of chasing a dream. You couldn’t have both. You were standing before a crossroad, stuck between your heart and your future. And theres no where in your near future that would allow you to have both.

“Taehyung,” you pout, taking your shoes off and putting your slippers on. He had invited a couple friends over to watch a movie and from the looks on their faces, no, Taehyung hadn’t told them you lived together.

“Y/N,” Jimin gasps, dropping the bowl of popcorn. “What are you doing here? I thought you were at the library?”

You put your hands on your hips as you watch Taehyung scurry to avoid your eye contact. He still hadn’t told them that you lived together and your patience was wearing thin, you didn’t have a reason to stay so late at the library and Taehyung was making it difficult to lie. Rolling your eyes, you decide its time to tell, why get others to do things when you can get off your ass and do it yourself.

“We live to-

“Taehyung, why do you have so many girlie perfumes in your bathroom?” Ellie yells, interrupting you from the bathroom before walking passed you and slamming her body into the seat beside Taehyung’s. Whether she saw you or not is a mystery, but as you tell them that Taehyung invited you over and they believed you, you don’t miss the way she looks at you: p ointed and accusing.

Sitting on the other end of the couch, you take the opportunity when the others lean forward to stare bullets into his side profile. He must feel it because he turns to you, guilt and shame iron pressed to his face as Ellie tries to cuddle into his arm.

Nearing the end of the film, you roll your eyes at her, rest your head against the pillow and pretend to fall asleep.

“What a shit film,” Jimin snorts. “Hey Tae, I’m going to head off. I’ll wake Y/N up and see if she wants a lift.”

“No don’t!” Taehyung yells a little too quickly, ushering a sleepy Ellie off his arm. “She told me earlier that she’s crashing here on the couch. If you wake her up, I’ll have to deal with little miss grumpy for the rest of the night.”

“True, she can get monstrous sometimes.” Jimin laughs in agreeance. “Have fun with that.”

“You have no idea.” Taehyung whispers through gritted teeth. “I will.”

“Tae, can I stay over?” Ellie asks, her tone sultry and suggestive. You really hated this girl and not because you were jealous but because she seemed like a genuinely annoying person. You hoped that Taehyung would say no and kick her out, but you definitely did not expect his response.

“The couch is already taken.” he deadpans and you nearly snort laugh.

“No like,” she says, suddenly lowering her volume. “In your room.”

“That’s a bit selfish of you don’t you think? Then where would I sleep?”

You bite down on your tongue, afraid that the heaving of your chest from bottled laughter would give away the fact that you were very much awake and very much frustrated that she was still here.

“With me.” she laughs and the silence that suddenly fills the room, fills your body with unease.

“Gross, well that’s my queue to leave.” Jimin musters before literally running out the door. “Peace out fam.”

“Ellie, no. What happened between us last year was weird and uncomfortable for me. And plus, if you paid any attention you would’ve noticed that I don’t actually like you and that I like the girl asleep on my couch. If there’s anyone sleeping in my room tonight, it’s her. So if you could leave-

“Taehyung,” she interrupts, shrieking in disbelief. “You like her? over me? What for? I mean look at me and I’m such a nice person, like I’m so sweet and shes-”

“Oh my god, leave already.” you interrupt, not wanting to hear another second of her crow-like whining. Shifting on the couch to sit beside Taehyung, she stares at you bewilderedly like you just stole her favourite toy. “You can leave now, unless you want to stand in the corner with a video camera and watch us-

“Fine!” she yells, “Fine, I’ll go. Fucking hell, if you see me in public Kim Taehyung, don’t even say hi. Just watch the finest ass you’ll ever see walk away.” “Why watch a good ass walk away when I can stare at hers making me a cup of tea, really Ellie just leave please.” She rolls her eyes before stomping away and Taehyung hums contently as you both watch her leave. Turning to face him, he smiles at you before grabbing your cheeks, “Hey you, long time no see.” he whispers, his tone of voice over-dramatically affectionate.

“Hey you …you jerk,” you slap his hand away to grab him but he jumps off the sofa to run away. “When are you going to tell your friends that I live here?”

“When you tell me you like me too, then I will.” he yells, running around the dining room table as you chase him around the house.

No I love you or I like you’s had been exchanged in the year that had become your living situation, in the year that had become the fruitful exploration of your unlabelled relationship with him. As you entered your third year of college, although some part of you loved him and you knew that, the other part of you didn’t want to tell him that. Didn’t want him to know. Didn’t want to ruin it.

“Y/N, I can’t deal anymore. You must be so lonely.” Gabby says, rubbing your hand “comfortingly”.

“Well, I’m not.” you say, frowning into your textbook. “I’m fine, don’t worry about me. I’m happy.”

“Happy enough for this?” she says, pushing her laptop screen to your face. “I know that you wanted to go to Brown, this has your name written all over it girl.”

You sigh. “I’ve already read it but I don’t know.”

“What have you got to lose? You don’t have anything tying you down, it’s not like you have a boyfriend or a job.”

“True, but it’s just that …It means that I’ll have to move over there and then stay there for what, nearly two years to graduate when I could do it here?” you sigh, running your fingers through your hair. You were getting irritated with her prodding and the constant questions and the constant need to reply. “I’m gonna go look for a newer version of this textbook. I’ll be right back.” you say, grabbing the book as you get up to leave.

Dumping the textbook into a nearby trolley, you hide in the back aisles of the library to simply enjoy the quiet solitude of studiers and readers. Silence was golden and therapeutic and all you needed for atleast a minute or two.

Walking around the aisle, you spot the familiar build of your housemate, hunched over a table reading over music scores. He looked frustrated, understandably so, it’s not everyday you’re forced into a kind-of successful campus punk band. You were jealous of him. That he had something he loved more than you and was actually talented enough to be good at it.

Sneaking up behind him, you snake your arms around his waist and sweetly kiss his cheek. He immediately slumps back into you with a single deep breath, his shoulders slumping into you. You always loved him in ripped skinny jeans, but the comfortable shorts and the grey NYU hoodie he adorned today, made you want to cuddle him and hide your face in the fabric.

“You okay?” you ask, rubbing his belly.

Stroking your hand, he closes his eyes. “I will be. Are you okay?” he asks.

Letting him go, you sit in the vacant seat in front of his and he slumps over his work again. “I will be.” you say.

“Hmmm, touchè.” he smiles before returning his gaze to his papers, his pensive concentration face re-appearing across his gentle features.

“Touche” you whisper, watching the boy you had hardly seen these past couple of weeks hunched over work in earnest. It was nice to see him so passionate about his work and you’re not going to lie and say that it didn’t ignite a desire to be the same; because it did. He totally did.

You had a decision to make and whichever one you chose, love and lust or adventure and life, you knew you would regret it anyway. You would be stuck thinking of what could’ve been or maybe, what should’ve been. You couldn’t have both.

If you didn’t chose life, you knew that your heart would have trouble letting go of the idea. The pain would become so indescribably difficult to handle that it would physically break you and you would break him. But, if you chose him, the captor of your thoughts, the man with the smile that lit a thousand lightbulbs but one, you wouldn’t be as happy and you knew that.

The answer was plainly obvious. It stood in front of you with a cheshire grin and a baritone laugh, but those didn’t belong to Taehyung. Your housemate and platonic bed sharer with a happy morning grin, and an obsession with cuddling and kitten kisses.

No, it wasn’t Taehyung.

Mr Jones yells loudly before slapping a pile of information folders on the table in front of the class. “Alright class, before I excuse you all. I need to mention that we still have spots for the exchange to Brown, in fact all of the seats. It’s the first time a community college has ever partnered up with an elite, so if you all are excited by the prospect of employment in this scarce and scary world, do yourself a favour and sign up before it’s too late. Class dismissed.”

Again, you sit back and watch the class filter out. The neglected folders sat gracefully taunting you, as their tantalising words of hope and adventure called out to you.

This was it.

And fuck it, you were going to do it.

Running your hands down your thighs, you watch Mr. Jones talk to a couple of students inquiring about exam results before slowly walking down the steps towards him. He notices your hesitance to approach and laughs at your shyness as the other students walk away.

“Our resident sleeper Y/N.” he snorts, crossing his arms over his chest. “What do I owe the pleasure?”

You frown at the nickname because you’ve never fallen asleep in his classes, before shaking your head and pushing the insult over your shoulder. You didn’t sleep in his classes, you didn’t even blink in fear of being a target for his relentless questioning, but considering you day dreamed in most of his lectures, you might as well have been.

“Sir, I-I want to-

“You want to sign up for the exchange?” he interrupts. Truth be told, he made you nervous. He was intimidating and his eccentric clothing made you uncomfortable. His satire humour colour co-ordinated with the devil music notes on his tie and the red t-shirt you were pretty sure was on backwards.

“Do I have an actual contender for this project!?” he yells excitedly before rushing over to the folders. Placing a folder into your open arms, he says. “Look, all you need to do is read this folder and if you decide it’s for you. Come back and sign it.”

Looking at the folder, you take a deep breath. You’ve thought about it enough and Fuck it. “Can I sign it now?”

“You want to actually do it?” he gasps, clapping his hands together. “Oh my Aunty Barbara, the dean is not going to believe this one. If you are serious about this Y/N, you can come with me now to her office and we can discuss your options. Since you’re unfortunately the only contender for this project, heaven forbid me for actually asking why my students don’t want employment, we could potentially solidify a scholarship for you.”

Without a single protest, you smile and nod your head in a frantic attempt to communicate your agreeance. He smiles down at you and prods you to follow. “That’s the spirit. Always knew you were a fighter. You’ve made a courageous decision, I commend that.”

You follow him through the busy hallways, hugging the folder close to your chest. Students bow politely to him as they pass, and you smile when you see Taehyung and his group of friends. Taehyung winks at you as he leans against the wall to check you out and you grin back, scuttling behind Mr. Jones.

Mr. Jones opens the deans door and ushers you in, and as you turn nervously to watch him close the door behind you, you start to slowly feel it rise over the rocky terrains in your mind and light all of your lightbulbs.

A passion,

and although the middle of a hurricane can be the safest place to be, you were happy that you were no longer watching things fly by, and amazed how confident you were grabbing the opportunity by its cuff and information folder before it does.

“How was class today? I saw you walking hand-in-hand with Mr. Jones today. You get in trouble or something?” Taehyung whispers against your shoulder.

You were watching a movie, blankets and pillows, chocolate and popcorn. Taehyung was beside you, content and happy with his fair share of the blanket and Mia was sitting on the floor painting her nails. She called it family night, you called it a nuisance.

“No. No I wasn’t in trouble. I just had to talk to him about something,” you say, slapping his thigh. “I’m too boring to get into trouble.”

“You can say that again,” Mia laughs, throwing a piece of popcorn in your hair. You turn to her and frown before watching the creases in her face even out. Placing the nail polish on the coffee table, she pauses the movie and faces you, eager but nervous.

“I have something to tell you guys. I’m moving in with Jin. We’ve decided to settle down.”

“What?” you yell. “What the f-

“Woohooo,” Taehyung giggles, lifting his head off your shoulder. “We can be alone now Y/N. You know what that means? No pants all day, everyday.”

“What about me?” you ask, ignoring Taehyung and frowning at her indecency to tell you sooner. She smiles at you before grabbing your hand, “You’ll be fine. You and me forever baby, just not under the same roof-

“Well that’s just perfect because I also have something to say.” you interrupt, wanted to one up her, suddenly bursting at the seems to tell them both that you were leaving.

“What is it?” Taehyung says, hooking his arm around yours. “Mmm?”

“I’m going to Brown,” you confess,“I got into the exchange programme there and I’m going this summer.”

You feel Taehyung stiffen against you before he pulls you to face him, “What?” he asks, his voice uncharacteristically quiet and gentle.

“I’m going to Brown. I’m leaving Taehyung.” you say.

“Well that’s okay, you’ll be coming back when the semester finishes. Gosh, you nearly scared me there, I thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant. My testical nearly fell off.” he sighs in relief, relaxing back against you.

You take a deep breath because you know what you’re about to say will hurt him, you know it will break at least one of you and you know that as soon as you say it, everything changes from here on out, and you do it anyway.

“It won’t be months Tae. It will be years.”

And there was nothing he could say to make you stay, he wanted the best for you and the thought made him sad but the best wasn’t him, the best was a state away.

He slowly unhooks his arm from yours and leans back against the couch. Mia sits by your legs tapping your knee, seemingly perplexed but not enough to say anything. She knew that nothing she could say would ever make you change your mind.

And as the room drowns in an uncomfortable silence, the red wires in your heart become untangled and focused on the direction you were heading, but they just weren’t towards him and that was okay.

{Shamelessly} Taehyung’s Point of View Conclusion

Pacing back in forth in the empty lecture theatre, I bite my bottom lip. Namjoon and I didn’t tell anyone what we were doing or where we were, in fear that we might just not be as good as we think we are. That we might not get in. After seeing you off, suitcase and all, and accepting that you were gone, my game plan was set in motion; we were going to get signed.

It hasn’t been the first time an entertainment company has decided to roll into my college looking for trainees, but it’s been the only one interesting enough to audition for, and for the first time in along time, I felt nervous for my future.

I worked hard for this though, endless nights leaked into annoying mornings at the library writing and memorizing music. I deserve this.

“The audition results should be up by now right? Where the fuck is Namjoon?”

Sitting in a seat, I sprawl my arm across the desk and look towards the sunlight peaking through the dark clouds. Snow had collected on the windows and the turbulent weather was beginning to drown the aisles of desks in an eerie darkness.

The room was frosty cold, but the giant beige lapel coat around me and the black scarf that smelt like her, kept my body warm.

I wonder if she’s warm.

I think about her too much to consider it normal. She was always there, her little smiles and her big frowns, the way she curled herself against my chest and the way she runs her fingers through my hair when she thinks I’m asleep.

But she’s gone now and I need to stop torturing myself.

She was who I imagined singing to in that audition room. The intimidating group of judges sitting in the audience were replaced by her radiant supportive smile as I sang my feelings out.

She made my home something I wanted to come back to.

And I didn’t want to go home anymore.

“Taehyung!” Namjoon yells, barreling through the doors. He didn’t need to say it, his smile said it all. “WE MADE IT!” he screams, pulling you into a hug. “We both made it!”

“I need to call my mum, she’s going to freak out!” he laughs, pulling away. “Who you going to call first?” he asks as he scrolls through his phone.

Pulling out my phone, I scroll through my list of contacts to find yours, but my finger hovers over the call button as I stare at your contact ID a second too long and I don’t.

I had forgotten to change your contact picture and it was a picture of you curled up in blankets sitting by the fireplace reading a book. If you knew I took that picture, you’d probably kill me. It was the little things like this that I loved so much. I wanted to keep these moments to myself because the thought of Jimin or anyone else ever seeing the side of you that I admired so much, made me jealous and made me feel so possessive that I didn’t tell anyone about you or that I nearly didn’t attend this audition with Namjoon because I knew that it meant I would have to leave you one day.

But you left me first and that’s okay.

I liked a girl who was always looking in the other direction, like a sunflower chasing the sun. I tried to believe that she wasn’t looking at me because she was out of my league, I tried I did, but my heart knew that it wasn’t because I’m not the light she wants, it’s because I’m not the light she needs.

And more importantly, I suppose it’s because we just weren’t meant to be together, maybe in the future sure, but now? no. The timing was horrible, so unequivocally horrible, but I hold hope that one day if we meet as different people I will have the courage to tell her how I really feel and then maybe,

just maybe, I’ll be the sun that she wants and I will be the sun that she needs.

Epilogue

“Y/N, it was lovely catching up with you again. You’ve blossomed into such a lovely woman!” Jimin says, loosening his suit tie. Jimin was a corporate soldier of an entertainment company now and had spent the afternoon filling you in on the happenings around town since you moved away. You admittedly struggled to keep his close friendship, but his friendship you kept nonetheless. You were back for good and Jimin was happy to welcome you back so long as you paid for lunch. “Oh yeah, have you seen Taehyung lately? I heard he’s back around too.”

You smile.

“Not yet.” you say, lifting your wrist to check the time. “Soon though.”

“You know, we all knew you two were a thing in college. Just didn’t think it would’ve ended up the way that it did but I’m proud you two followed your dreams. I can’t wait to meet your boyfriend though, he sounds like a catch.”

You laugh.

“Thanks Jimin, it means a lot to hear that from you.” you say, watching him walk backwards towards his car. “My boyfriend isn’t that much of a catch, he’s very annoying and not as cool as you.”

“You’re probably right! Hey we need to get together for like a college reunion or something. Minus Mia and Jin of course, I can’t get over how fat your sister is. How do twins…” he gestures towards your stomach. “Fit in there?”

“How does a brain…” Pointing up to his head you joke. “Fit in there?”

He laughs loudly before smacking your hand away. “It’s been five years and you’re still so cold to me. Aish, somethings never change.”

“Maybe you’re right but my heart has definitely turned over, I’m just really glad I left, but I’m back now so expect my relentless insults. It’s the only way I can communicate my love for you in a way that won’t upset my boyfriend.”

“That’s fine with me Y/N. I’ll text you later.” he says, smiling his million dollar smile.

“You’re always welcome in my home Jimin, so if you ever need a place to crash, you know my number.” is all you say before he waves goodbye excitingly with his briefcase and getting into his company car and driving away. You watch the red lights of his car fade into the distance.

Everything felt right.

Every light bulb was on.

Everything was where it was supposed to be.

Punching in your apartment code, you take off your heels and put on your slippers. “Hmmm, what’s the amazing smell hun?” you ask, putting your handbag on the vanity by the door.

He runs around the kitchen island with a cheshire grin and a baritone laugh. The sweet sound of happiness and coming home to it made your heart sing, made your heart race and made your heart ..flip because that’s not a nice smell to come home to no matter how hard he tried to woo you.

“I burnt the potatoes, but I ordered pizza, extra pineapple on yours too, so we should be fine for dinner.” he smiles, wrapping his arms around your waist to welcome you home.

“Oh thank god.” You smile, wrapping your arms around his neck. Leaning on your tippy toes, you give him a quick kiss on the lips before muttering, “But did you turn the potatoes off?”

He looks down at you with a vacant expression and you look up at him expectantly. Surely he remembered to turn them off, surely. The smoke alarms go off before he gets to explain that no, he completely forgot and just ordered pizza instead.

You laugh again before swatting him away to turn the smoke alarm and stove top off. Opening the lounge windows to let smoke out, you admire the sun as it descends behind the hills, nothing was more beautiful.

“Y/N.” he whines standing behind you. “What are you looking at?”

Turning to face him, you lean against the window sill and grin. You lied, nothing was more beautiful than him. “Nothing, just the sunset.”

He stands closer and kisses your forehead before turning you to face the sunset again, “Of course you were, my sunflower girl.”

You loved him. You loved Kim Taehyung.

So the idea of this fic spawned from the idea that sunflowers chase the sun -obviously. I liked the idea that sunflowers grow inside of us, we all have sunflower hearts; ambitious and greedy, and although this was a fluff series, I didn’t want Y/N to end up with Taehyung. Mainly because she worked so hard and ending up settling with second best, I didn’t want that for her, I wanted her to become comfortable with the idea that sometimes you need to feel like shit, sometimes things are supposed to fall through, sometimes we are supposed to love the people we do just to become the people we are destined to be or go. And more importantly, that there is more to life than a relationship. Happiness comes from you first before you can find it in other people, so maybe in another life or in the future, they will find happiness in each other as well.

#bts fanfic #bts #bts imagines #bts angst #bts fuff #bts taehyung #bts v #bangtan imagines #bangtan scenarios #bts roommate #bts college #bts romance

388 notes · View notes