#reread the Final Empire and it truly has no right to be that good of a book

[hamletthedane]

“You cannot kill me, Lord Tyrant. I represent that one thing you’ve never been able to kill, no matter how hard you try: I am hope.”

The Final Empire, Book 1 of Mistborn, by Brandon Sanderson

[allwormdiet]

Arc 7: Buzz, Concluding Thoughts

Jesus fucking Christ

Man, remember when it was just Taylor and Rachel hanging out with like twenty dogs? I miss that. Can we go back to that. Please.

God it's so sad to see that Taylor is legitimately the first Undersider to make any inroads with Rachel and now that progress might have been well and truly fucked by her departure

It was cool to see Taylor developing more with her powers, figuring out new ways to use it. Also very cool of her to stab a fucking Nazi in the hand.

Another reminder that Taylor's bullies are all fucking maniacs, and also that Taylor's newfound confidence is seeing some unintended consequences.

Brian... okay. The kiss was really presumptive on Taylor's part, that sucks and that's not on him. But that man's got his wires crossed something fierce if his "sisterly affection" for Taylor reads as romantic attraction not just to Taylor's desperately lonely self (which, easy to fool I think) but also Lisa's interpersonal capabilities. Like, the social manipulation power thinks you're hot for her, my guy, what's that supposed to mean?

(Also what the hell would Aisha think if she heard the sister line, like for real)

Fuck the Empire, fuck Purity, fuck all of these Nazi rat bastards, I hope the Endbringer eats them all because apparently that's what we have to rely on for sticking it to them when the Protectorate can't send in one assist to put literally any of these guys away.

No significant gripes about the actual fights against the Empire, taking down Stormtiger and Cricket (plus fending off Hookwolf) was very cool, and the rooftop tangle with Rune and the alley fight with Night and Fog had some really neat and tense moments.

And then there's fucking Coil. I fucking hate this guy so much, he's so stupid and so cruel and for fucking what. Being the mayor of crime? And the mayor of heroes? And the boss of the actual mayor? What the fuck is even his problem, truly. Can't even doxx a bunch of Nazis without almost getting his subordinates killed, and when they confront him about it his defense is basically "i forgor," what the hell.

Dinah's scene is good in one specific and interesting way, providing both short-term information about Skitter's mounting dissatisfaction and the slightly longer-term information about the approaching Endbringer, but it just. Mm. Dinah's written weirdly, like that's not how twelve-year-olds talk. And I hate every word that Coil says to her.

Skitter's departure from the team is hard to read and hard to reread, honestly. She just. She finally had something going right in her life, for once, and she was willing to gamble everything on that continuing to go right. And she lost. And now she has to go back to them with the weight of that confrontation, that departure, hanging over every interaction, because she's doing what a hero would do.

Getting insights into Miss Militia and more of a look at the Protectorate was interesting, but mostly it's just pity for Hana and, yet again, concern about Armsmaster. Mfer can't stop coming off as concerning.

So, I was told by some friends that when the sirens start is a good time to consider the end of "Part One" of Worm. The Endbringer comes with a significant change in status quo, although I only know some of the details, so if I'm going to ruminate on the story so far, this is the time for it.

I might do that tonight or else give myself time to ruminate on it. We'll see how it goes.

[chuluoyi]

Hey Chu! I hope you are well. Now hang on tight because I have so much to say about The Crown of Diamonds ! I know I am super late, but I was just so busy, and I wanted to have my full attention while writing this. SO, let's go one by one. My emotions went on a high drive reading this. Literally.

as he watched the pagoda, he built for you engulfed in flames. You were there. | I was so excited when I saw you post it and then when I read this particular line, my heart just stopped. That whole part before the past events...that is so beautifully written. The devastation in Satoru's words, the way you have described it, my heart kept on sinking.

Satoru's reaction to finding out that the empress is pregnant nearly had me in tears. That was so wholesome.

And then you delivered a masterpiece so exquisitely written that it set my heart racing and left me breathless…All the while I couldn't believe, she was sitting on his face how sexy that was. Chu, If I am being honest, that was sooo intense, given the situation, but it didn't feel forced or rough or "just for the story", you know what I mean. It felt right. Despite whatever was going on in empress's head, they were so passionate. And I loved that. You are so much better than you think you are, Chu.

Am I... a mess? Yeah... My beautiful mess, that is. | That is so sweet and even if I am wrong, this parallel with Polin from Bridgerton S3. 😭 And when he said A princess will be nice... she'll turn out to be as lovely as you. | I fell in love with him all over again. Knowing that it wasn't about having an heir, but simply a child that was part of both him and her, was something the empress didn't know she needed.

Now, I am sorry if this is insensitive but...Naoya learning he was shooting duds was the funniest twist of fate. I knew it. And the realisation that he has thrown away the only good thing he had in his life was so important. And about his dream or him still having the portrait of the empress and him, I don't think it's out of love, I just feel that he genuinely regrets everything he had done to her because they were once childhood sweethearts. Ofc, he cared for her, but that man is dumb, nothing can be done. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Hanabi! Just when I thought I could feel sorry for her…oh that conniving, deceitful hag. How could she even think about cursing a pregnant woman? The empress didn't do anything of that sort when she was supposedly pregnant with Naoya's baby. Well, I guess that's the difference between the empress and her. She should be thankful that the empress didn't retaliate for what she did initially.

even if you are my wife and the empress of this nation, should you commit any transgressions... I won't hesitate to accuse you of treason, Empress. | I hated him. Really, Satoru? How could you say that? Has the desire to destroy, and to call for war over the Eastern Empire blinded you so much that you no longer care about the impact it would have on your wife watching you destroy her homeland, even if you say you truly love her. I know what the Empress did was wrong too. Using Satoru as revenge on her ex-husband, but she truly loves him as well. It's just that he doesn't know that yet. But what Satoru is doing is despicable. And definitely not necessary… It's all just for the sake of his desire to bring bloodshed to the Zen'in line. He doesn't even care about the innocent lives he would take.

Oh, that is longgg! I am sorry I just felt if I didn't say it all, it wouldn't have done justice to this very incredible piece of writing. Chu, it was so great and so much better than the first part. There's so much more clarity and it's so elegantly written. I loved it so much. And to be honest, I am not worried about the cliffhanger and the next (& final) part, because I know you won't break my heart, Right! right? 🥲

love, Ady ❤️

ady! oh my god🥺🩵 i keep rereading your review bc i’m so giddy that you peel it one by one!!🥹 and ofc thank you so so much for reading the crown of diamonds!!! :’) this series is like my baby at this point i’m so happy to be able to interact with a lot of people with this🥹

ooh i’m actually happy that the first scene caught you— that’s intended from the start actually😋 and HAHAHA sitting on his face is actually an idea from milk nonnie and the moment she put that in my mind, i just had to :’) i’m glad you feel like the smut part feels right bc i actually spent 3 days to write it🥲 and thank you so much, ady🫶🏻 i melted from reading this paragraph alone🥺

YOU’RE RIGHT AHAHA🥹 i write that after watching polin so i just had to add that tidbit🥹 and gojo adores the empress so much that he really doesn’t put much thought about whether their child will be a boy or a girl—as you said, he isn’t in search of heir like naoya and the empress is so touched by that🤧

SHOOTING DUDS GOT ME LAUGHING HARD SHWJJW🥹🥹🥹 it’s never out of love with naoya, actually. right from the very start, empress might’ve thought they were childhood sweethearts… but naoya regarded the empress as his equal. but then he fell out of respect with her since she can’t provide him with a heir. the empress never understands that all this time naoya never really loved her tho :’) but at this point, she doesn’t care anymore anyway so that’s that

hanabi isn’t wise—that’s what makes her and the empress different🥹 she looks and acts like a royalty but deep down, she doesn’t really have what it takes💁🏻‍♀️ she idolizes the empress, wants to be like her, and so when she realizes naoya doesn’t acknowledge her and even gifted the former empress the very same necklace she once wore, she sees red and impulsively puts that curse out of jealousy :’)

and that… actually, he has been planning for this war for a while🥹 and he genuinely is under the impression that even if he were to destroy her homeland, she will accept it since she’s no longer there and naoya is a prick anyways🥹 and as of innocent lives… yes, gojo doesn’t care about that :’) he’s one who believes in “necessary sacrifice” so…

and again, thank you so so much ady!!!!🥹🫶🏻 gosh i can’t believe i let all this out too :’) i feel like there are so many little details i excluded from the story so it feels really good to know you actually notice it and to share this with you tooo😭 you’re so sweet and i honestly am so so happy that you read my stories <33

sending you much much love too!!!🩵 take a break and stay safe and healthy always🫶🏻✨

[9902sgirl]

Gays, Girls, Theys and Those, and everyone in between. I have so much to say about this piece. This was so so good, and to keep a long MF story short, READ THIS, RIGHT NOW!!!

Long, detailed deep dive below. Lets begin

Now, those who are interested in my gushing, we have arrived.

Lets start this off, by saying I am 100% behind you on the fact that Hunter cries. He will shed tears, and we will all be the better for it. Right off the bat, haven't even gotten to the content yet, and I am here for it. (also the sent & Breeding Kink??? I'M SAT)

Back to the crying thing. This man, if we are following Fanon Lore, LIVES in sensory overstimulation. That combined with all of these nerves (at this point I would classify this as anxiety) I fully expect there to be an equally releasing emotional reaction.

"That was before the Republic fell, and every Jedi across the galaxy was marked for death. Before the purge and the Empire's reign began. Before you were forced to go into hiding on your own. And he hasn't spoken to you since."

That alone, would make me want to disappear into nothingness with how worried I would be about my partner. LIKE??? Lets really break all of the time down, you say right after that, that its been months. This would be the #1 thing on my mind at all times, and I do not blame Hunter for being as nervous as he was.

"He's scared you'll look at him differently, scared you won't look at him at all."

Oh my precious, foolish man. The only thing that she wants in this life is to see you, to know you are okay, and have you by her side. She has lost so much already, she refuses to lose you as well.

"Hunter hasn’t been startled like that in ages, not since he was a cadet, but here he is, nearly falling out of his seat at the sudden contact."

I. Want. Cadet. Stories. For like all of our Copy & Paste men. We deserve more because of how tragic this whole subset of Star Wars truly is. I fear I am far too attached to them all, and I don't believe I will ever get over it.

"He should have known Wrecker would notice something was wrong, even if the others hadn't. He'd always been perceptive, despite what people thought of him"

THANK YOU!!!! Wrecker Bad Batch does not get enough credit, and I will always be looking for tidbits of things like this. I am so tired of the 'He's just a big Himbo, with no thoughts' thing and I am so so so glad that he is finally getting the (correct) attention that he deserves.

"You had been rendered speechless after he'd told you about his feelings for you, your face flushed red, mouth hanging open in surprise, and he hadn't been able to keep from grinning at your reaction. You couldn’t form a single sentence until after you'd kissed him, and by then, it was his turn to be caught off guard."

Yeah me fuckin to MC, I would not be able to keep my shit together. Like at all. Even a little bit.

Like I would be these two, at the same time.

"He doesn't realize he's crying until he hears you whisper his name, but then you're laughing, soft and beautiful, and all he can do is hold you tighter, your scent enveloping him as he breathes you in."

I would simply cease to exist in this scenario, I've decided. Just reading this reunion and picturing it, that is enough, cut the show.

Also, rereading this part, this story is so Work Song by Hozier Coded. He would move all of the stars in the galaxy to come back to her. Nothing would have stopped him from this moment.

Like, excuse the boneage (lol) but these exact lyrics, this is the vibe. I am truly living my best life right now. Just the *right* amount of pain.

THESE FOOLS IN LOVE (also shameless song plug) HAVEN'T BEEN CAUGHT IN YEARS???? And Hunter thought she was gonna get over him as if he was a fling??? They all need therapy. Asap. I'm so sorry Mr. Hunter Bad Batch, that you cannot see your own self-worth.

"He knows you wouldn't care about the dangers, though. You'd risk everything for a chance at a normal life, a family"

The fact that he was right about this is so so delicious. I remember reading that part earlier and barely resisting the urge to bite something because of how damn sweet that is.

"Not that he wasn't always talking about her," Echo teases."

The sibling dog-pile here is some well deserved payback for what he had been hiding from them for so long lmao I love that so much. 10/10 sibling energy here.

"He leans forward, pressing his forehead to yours, and the contact makes you sigh. "I'm gonna take care of you," he says softly, bringing a hand up to cup your cheek."

The words in literature that resonate with us the most are often words that we need to hear. That we long to hear said to us. This made me feel something, and that being said, your work usually makes me feel something. Thank you for what you do Roy.

"He's willing to wait, no matter how badly he wants you."

A king of consent, we love to see it in all forms. I love that, this is so in character for him. He could be (and is at this point, lets be real) the most desperate man in the galaxy for her attention, but that doesn't matter at this moment. She matters more to him than anything he could want/need.

"Good." He kisses you again, deep and slow, and his hands drift lower. "I've got a lot of time to make up for."

I WOULD HAVE HIM ON THAT LITTLE DOCK ON THE LAKE SO FAST. if in that reality, there was no potential for an audience. Like, feral, freak nasty, down bad. All day, all night. or however that TikTok sound goes.

"Maybe, this was where you were supposed to end up all along."

If my heart warms up any more, I am pretty sure I will need paramedics. FOUND FAMILY IS MY FAVORITE TROPE THAT HAS EVER EXISTED.

"Good," Wrecker grins. He nudges him with his elbow, giving him a wink. "She's good for you, Sarge. And we're not gonna let anyone take that away from you. No matter what happens."

Oh, Wrecker, my protective, sweet, smart man. You will always be the one for me. This actually made my heart flutter. Your Honor, I love him.

“Omega, would you like to help me dismantle this ship? It will give you a chance to learn more about the components of different models."

Tech, ever the wingman. He is getting Omega out of that house for at LEAST the next couple hours. They need this so badly.

"He doesn't want to stop. He wants to keep going, wants to drag his mouth across every inch of you until there's no part untouched, until the taste of you is burned into his memory for good."

OKAY...I DO NOT SEE A PROBLEM HERE. DO IT?? NOW??

I have never, and will never be "okay" in times such as these.

Moving on!!

"You're here, and he's here, and nothing is going to take him away from you. Not again."

Further evidence for my Hozier claim.

"There's no more hiding, no more sneaking around, no more worrying about being seen standing too close together or his hands lingering too long. It's freeing, not having to hide how he feels, not having to pretend like his feelings don't exist."

For real, a weight that has been taken completely off of him. This being lifted off of him, and after all of the sex, he is going to get the best sleep he has gotten since coming out the decanter.

"It doesn't matter, anyway. Nothing does, except the two of you."

(Kronk voice) Oh yeah, its all coming together.

I am here for the simp, freaky, feral sex that is about to happen. I am so invested in this.

"In a hurry, are we?" "You have no idea," he mutters. He kicks the door to your bedroom open, shutting it behind him with his foot, and strides across the room. "Been wanting this for too damn long."

I am physically prepared. This is going to be amazing, and I can tell just from this one part.

*WARNING* I am going to be expressing the THOTS as well as general commentary. Brainless activity is happening after this. Be Warned and Prepared.

"Your fingers trace the outline of his tattoo"

I want to know what it tastes like, I am being so fucking for real right now.

"Do you ever think about what it could've been like? If we hadn't lost each other? If...things had gone differently, and the war had ended the way it was supposed to?"

this is heartbreaking to think about on its own. Like yes, the fall of the Jedi Order is a tragedy and I, like many others in the fandom, read the AUs of "it never happened!" But for these specific characters, in this setting. I believe this was the best possible outcome. The Republic would have NEVER let the squad go. They are way too multi skilled to ever lose. They would be the best, deadliest tools of the Republic, especially knowing that it would have been up to the Senate to determine what would happen to the Clones. Anyway, made myself upset in my own brain. Moving on!

"I would've married you," he whispers. His voice breaks on the word, and he has to pause, taking a deep breath before continuing. "If I could. I would've married you, and given you everything I had."

Okay, now you and your wordsmithing made me sad. I love this story so much. The "falling over themselves" type of love in this type of world, is my Achilles heel.

"He doesn't say a word. He can't. His brain can't seem to form a coherent thought, not when you're looking at him like that"

Brainless Hunter matches my freak so so well. I am a huge fan.

"Here, let me," you murmur as your fingers work to unclip his armor."

Girl, ME TOO. I will take it all off with my teeth if you give me enough time, so help me.

"Everything," he growls. His mouth moves along your neck, biting and sucking, leaving a trail of bruises in its wake. "Anything you want. I'd do anything for you."

Uh, fucking, uhhh you know, I just, I need some water. I need to breathe. I need to keep reading. My right mind has stopped working. I read that "Everything" in the "Negative.." tone and I am not able to breathe properly.

"I missed touching you, kissing you, being inside you."

Well, if you insist sir, by all means

"What's that, sweetheart?"

Who, me?? I did not say a word. Keep doing what you're doing. Now.

"How do you want me?" "I don't care,"

FELT THAT GIRL, REAL STATEMENT

"He eats you out with enthusiasm"

My man has a scent, and if I can expand, a Flavor kink. This feral thing is the same man that was all heart eyes and anxiety earlier. I am a true supporter of the "Hunter eats pussy like a man who has had no food or water in days" trope and I always will be.

"The fact that it's you, that he's the one who got you here, who made you come undone, is enough to send a wave of pleasure coursing through him."

I also to my core believe that the first time this man ate MC out to completion, he came untouched. This is a number one theory for me for Hunter in general honestly.

PT 1.

“I think you forgot what I am, Hunter."

I love this so much!! There is absolutely no power imbalance here. They were truly made for each other.

"He wonders if this is what they mean when they talk about being lost in someone. Because he is. He's completely and utterly lost. Lost in you. Lost in the warmth of your gaze, the softness of your touch, the scent of your skin, the feeling of your body surrounding him, your heart beating in sync with his own."

This is the true definition of love being shared, being tangible. This is an incredible explanation, truly!

"You're staring at him, concern etched across your features, and he realizes, with a start, that tears are rolling down his cheeks. He hadn't noticed."

HE IS A SIMP AND HE IS MADLY IN LOVE IN A CRUEL WORLD/UNIVERSE. HE HAS HER BACK AND HE IS CRYING! I am completely fine, and normal about this. (I would be crying as well)

"Never forget it." "I won't," you promise. He holds you there, your foreheads pressed together, your noses touching. He closes his eyes, inhaling deeply, letting the scent of you wash over him. It calms him, soothes him, and he feels his heart slow, his breathing evening out."

She is his grounding point. This is everything to me. I can't even articulate everything I feel about this, other than the fact that it is everything to me.

"Slow," you order. "Can't," he groans."

FERAL HUNTER MY MAN

PT 2

"He tries to move, to thrust up into you, but a weight presses down on him, holding him in place. He knows without looking that the Force is holding him down, keeping him still, and a thrill runs through him, the realization making him even harder."

*INAPPROPRIATE USE OF THE FORCE SMASHES THROUGH THE WALL AND GRABS ME BY THE THROAT*

Hello old friend, haven't thought of you in quite some time. MAKE HIM EAT HIS OWN WORDS

"You wanna feel it, don't you?" he murmurs.

Yes, everywhere. Please for the love of God Hunter.

"There it is," he growls. The weight pressing down on him disappears, and he grabs your waist, flipping you over."

The words are not gonna work for a while after this. I finished reading this today, before I started work this morning, and I was not okay!!! I had to be professional, and talk to real life people!!! I am going to make that mistake again, you can count on that.

"Good." Hunter grins, capturing your mouth in another searing kiss. "Because I'm nowhere near done with you."

I hope not, I am here for it, like I said earlier, all day, all night, freak nasty feral.

"He doesn't remember the last time he slept, and he can't even recall the last time he was able to relax. It feels like forever since he's felt this good, this safe."

Fuckin called it earlier. Best sleep of his life incoming.

"I'm not letting you go again," he mumbles, his forehead pressed against yours. "I don't care what it takes, I'm not letting anyone or anything take you from me."

Excuse me,

Okay, I'm good now.

I am so so so happy with this piece. This was amazing. FERAL SIMP HUNTER SUPREMACY!!!!

Thank you for putting this into our world!

Always

Pairing: Hunter x Jedi!Reader / Hunter x fem!Reader

Words: 16,083

Tags/Warnings: 18+ only! fluff, hurt/comfort, forbidden relationship, a very heartfelt reunion, Hunter is a crier no I won't be accepting any criticism, smut, unprotected sex, oral (f receiving), fingering, nipple play, marking, primal kink, scent kink?, breeding kink

Summary: Months after you went into hiding, Hunter hasn't stopped hoping, waiting for the day when you can finally be together again. Now that it's here, and there's no reason to hide his feelings for you anymore, he can't help but be a little overwhelmed.

A/N: I'm sure no one believes me at this point but I had no intention of writing this much. I was possessed by the spirit of romance, true love, etc. etc. Anyway, please enjoy some very soft, very protective, very affectionate Hunter. Thank you so much to @dindjarins1ut for the prompt!

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Hunter is nervous.

He tries his best to hide it, keeping to himself while Tech and Echo bicker in the cockpit, but he can't ignore the butterflies in his stomach, nor the clammy hands threatening to soak through his gloves. It's ridiculous. He's faced off against far worse than this. He shouldn't be getting worked up over something so small.

But it isn't really small, not when you think about it. He hasn’t seen you in months. No comms, no messages. Nothing. He knows you’re alive, and even that was a miracle. The last words he said to you were in person, when you were standing right in front of him and he told you he loved you, and he'd kissed you and then left with the promise to come back as soon as he could.

That was before the Republic fell, and every Jedi across the galaxy was marked for death. Before the purge and the Empire's reign began. Before you were forced to go into hiding on your own.

And he hasn't spoken to you since.

You haven't seen each other in months, and Hunter is terrified that the feelings aren't mutual anymore. That you've grown apart during your time away, and what he had thought was love, you now see as nothing more than a fling. He's scared you'll look at him differently, scared you won't look at him at all.

He doesn't know what he'll do if you don’t want him anymore. If he loses the best thing that's ever happened to him.

It's stupid, Hunter knows that, because even if you don't love him the same way you used to, you'll still be friends. He should just be happy you're alive and not worrying about something so trivial as his emotions, but he can't help it. He can't shake the feeling, and it's eating him up inside.

A hand settles on his shoulder, and he jumps.

Hunter hasn’t been startled like that in ages, not since he was a cadet, but here he is, nearly falling out of his seat at the sudden contact. It takes him a moment to get over his shock, his heart pounding, before he looks up to see Wrecker looking down at him with a frown.

"Hey, we're almost there," Wrecker says, his voice uncharacteristically soft, and Hunter swallows the lump in his throat.

"I'm fine," he says, but it comes out rough. He clears his throat, tries again. "I'm fine."

Wrecker’s eyebrows raise, and Hunter realizes a moment too late Wrecker never asked how he was doing. But his brother doesn't call him out on it, only gives him a look, one that Hunter recognizes as his attempt to look serious.

“You sure?”

"Yeah," Hunter replies automatically. He can feel the anxiety creeping into his gut, and he pushes it down, looking away. "Why wouldn’t I be?”

"I dunno," Wrecker shrugs, leaning back against the bulkhead. "You've been real tense all day."

Hunter sighs. He should have known Wrecker would notice something was wrong, even if the others hadn't. He'd always been perceptive, despite what people thought of him, and Hunter’s never been able to get away with hiding his feelings, not even when they were kids.

"I just..." he hesitates, wondering how to explain his feelings without making himself seem pathetic. Wrecker might not care, but Hunter still has his pride. He still has the strong desire to protect you, to keep you secret and safe. He knows Wrecker would never betray his trust, but still, he doesn't want to admit how anxious he's been, or how much the anticipation is killing him.

"It's nothing," Hunter decides. He turns back to look out the viewport through the doors of the cockpit. They’ll be landing in a few minutes, and he doesn't want to miss the moment you step into view. "Just... worried, is all."

"What for?"

"I..."

He can't say it, can't get the words past his lips, but the hand on his shoulder squeezes gently, and the unspoken encouragement makes the admission easier.

"It's been a long time," Hunter says finally, and the rest comes tumbling out of him, unable to be held back anymore, “We haven’t seen her in months, Wrecker. What if she's... I don’t know. Things have changed, is all. For her. For us."

"So?" Wrecker scoffs, and his dismissal of the problem only makes Hunter feel worse. He scowls, glaring up at his brother.

"So," he echoes, trying to sound stern, but he can't even bring himself to look mad, not really. His shoulders slump, the fight leaving him, and he looks away. "It might not be the same anymore."

For a moment, the silence is deafening, but then Wrecker lets out a laugh, loud enough to echo throughout the ship, and Hunter bristles, his eyes darting to the cockpit. Tech and Echo are still arguing about the finer details of landing, but he doesn't doubt they can hear every word they're saying.

"What?" Hunter snaps, glaring at his brother, but Wrecker only laughs harder.

"I'm pretty sure she won't have changed that much," he says, nudging Hunter's shoulder hard enough to make him sway. "I bet she's gonna be so happy to see us, she'll probably forget how to talk. Just like last time."

Hunter huffs, but he can't help the twitch of his lips at the memory of your first meeting, of how nervous you'd been, unable to string two words together without stumbling over your own tongue. You always did tend to trip over your own words when you were flustered. 

You had been rendered speechless after he'd told you about his feelings for you, your face flushed red, mouth hanging open in surprise, and he hadn't been able to keep from grinning at your reaction. You couldn’t form a single sentence until after you'd kissed him, and by then, it was his turn to be caught off guard.

He can remember the look on your face like it was yesterday, and the thought of seeing you again, of seeing your eyes light up as you smile up at him, fills him with a familiar warmth. He wants so badly to believe that your reunion will go well, that things haven't changed and that your relationship is the same, but a part of him, the pessimistic part that's kept him alive all these years, knows that it can't possibly be true. 

And Wrecker has no idea what you mean to him, because Hunter has never told him, has never told any of them. You're his secret, his one solace in the galaxy, the one thing he keeps from his brothers, the only thing he's ever wanted that's completely his.

And you were taken from him.

It hurts just thinking about it, knowing you were alone, afraid, with no one to turn to for help, while Hunter was hundreds of thousands of parsecs away. They'd spent weeks trying to find you after the Empire was established, scouring the holonet and every contact he could find, but it was like you had fallen off the face of the galaxy.

Hunter had never felt so helpless in his life.

So yes, he's a little scared of how this is going to play out. You were taken from him once, and it broke his heart. He's terrified that if you don't want him anymore, he won't survive losing you a second time.

"Yeah," Hunter murmurs, glancing out the window. Your home planet is starting to take shape in the viewport, the blue and green and brown and white all blending together. "You're probably right."

Wrecker chuckles, patting his shoulder.

"You know I am," Wrecker says cheerfully, and then he's walking away, back towards the cockpit to interrupt the debate Tech and Echo are having.

Hunter stares after him, not sure if he should be offended by the comment or not. He chooses not to dwell on it, pushing himself out of his chair to follow his brother. Tech spares them a quick glance, rolling his eyes when he sees Wrecker is already pushing his way into his space.

"Would you mind," he grumbles, elbowing the bigger clone, but Wrecker is unfazed, squeezing into the small space behind Tech's chair.

"Nah," he says, grinning down at him.

"Then could you at least wait until we've landed?"

"Where's the fun in that?"

"It would certainly make things less complicated."

"Guys, come on," Echo groans, his head hitting the back of his seat. "We're almost there."

"And what a relief that will be," Tech grumbles, pushing his goggles up his nose, and he looks at Hunter, his brow raised. "What is the matter with you?"

"Nothing," Hunter says, but he's a little too fast to reply, and Tech doesn't buy it. His gaze turns suspicious, but he doesn't push. Instead, he shoves Wrecker's hands away from the controls and starts his descent, taking the ship down in a controlled spiral towards the planet's surface.

Omega drops into the seat beside him and secures her restraints, and Hunter follows suit, though he can't help the nervous energy building in his limbs. He can't keep still, his fingers tapping an unsteady rhythm against his thigh, and when Omega's small hand covers his, he startles.

"Are you excited?" she asks him, and Hunter hesitates for a moment before he nods.

"Yeah, kid," he answers, and it's not a lie. Not really. He is excited, in his own way. "I'm glad we get to see her."

"Me too," Omega smiles as she pulls her hand away, and she turns to watch the clouds disappear as they sink below the atmosphere. "I can't wait to meet her."

"She's gonna love you," Wrecker says, his arms braced on Tech's chair. "You're gonna love her, too. She's real nice."

"Really?"

"Oh, yeah," Hunter replies, leaning back in his seat. He can't keep the fondness out of his voice when he speaks, the memory of your laugh echoing in his head. "She's one of a kind."

Tech glances over his shoulder. "It has been some time since we last saw her," he says, and Hunter feels his heart stutter in his chest. He knows Tech doesn't mean anything by it, but he can't help but hear the implication in his words.

It's been a long time, and people change.

"Well," Echo says, turning in his seat to grin at Hunter. "Let's hope she hasn't forgotten all about us."

Hunter swallows the lump in his throat and forces a smile, nodding along with the rest of them, but he can't ignore the pit in his stomach. He wants so desperately to believe they're right, that your reunion will go well and it won't be awkward, that everything will be just like it used to, but no matter how hard he tries, he can't shake the feeling.

"It'll be... nice, to see her again," Tech says. "Even if it has been awhile."

"Aw, you missed her too, huh?" Wrecker grins, clapping a hand on Tech's shoulder, who swats him away irritably.

"She was a competent general, and she is a valuable ally," Tech replies, adjusting his goggles. "I didn't say I missed her. Simply that it will be nice to see her."

"It's okay to admit you like her, you know," Echo teases. "We won't tell anyone."

Tech shoots him a glare, but he doesn't say anything. He's focused on the descent now, the ground growing closer and closer, and when they break through the cloud cover, the land below them comes into focus.

Hunter leans forward in his seat, eyes straining against the sun. You live on a small colony in the southern hemisphere, surrounded by a large forest. It's isolated, and perfect for someone trying to lay low, but it's also a bit difficult to find, and Hunter doesn't spot your house until they're nearly on top of it.

It's small, a cabin tucked neatly among the trees, with a yard and a path that leads to a dock down by the lake. There's a ship parked outside, a tiny thing, and Tech guides the Marauder down beside it.

"There she is!" Wrecker booms, pointing out the viewport. Hunter stands up, ignoring the nausea building in his stomach, and scans the house.

And there you are.

You're sitting on the porch, a datapad in your lap, and you glance up with a hand shielding your eyes. It's impossible to make out your expression, but when the Marauder slows to land, you're already standing and hurrying down the dirt path towards them.

It's been so long since he's seen you, and even though he knows your face, has it memorized and replayed in his head so many times it's burned into his mind, the sight of you is enough to knock the wind out of him. You're smiling, waving up at the ship, and you look so happy that he can't stop himself from mirroring your expression.

You're here.

Hunter has dreamed of this moment for months, the day he gets to see you again, and the reality of it is even better than he'd hoped. He's barely aware of his feet moving, taking him towards the hatch as soon as the ship has touched down.

"Hunter?" Wrecker's voice is far away, barely registering in Hunter's mind as he practically runs towards the exit. "You okay?"

"Fine," he calls over his shoulder, his hand slamming into the button. The door hisses as it slides open, and a rush of warm, fresh air washes over him. The second his feet hit the ground, he's moving, his legs carrying him as fast as he can.

"Hey!" Wrecker shouts, but Hunter doesn't answer. He's halfway down the path, his eyes locked on your figure as you hurry towards him, and when you're close enough to touch, he's pulling you into his arms.

Your hands slide around his neck, fingers tangling in his hair as he crushes you to his chest. He doesn't realize he's crying until he hears you whisper his name, but then you're laughing, soft and beautiful, and all he can do is hold you tighter, your scent enveloping him as he breathes you in. He can't keep himself from pressing his lips to the skin behind your ear, needing to feel the warmth of you, the solidness, the realness of you here, alive, with him.

"Hunter," you whisper, and his name has never sounded so sweet. Your voice, your hands, the sound of your breath as it ghosts across his skin, the way you say his name. All of it is like a balm to his soul, soothing his worry, and for a moment, everything feels right again.

Hunter lifts his head and cups your cheeks in his hands, forcing you to look at him, and you do.

Your eyes are shining, tears brimming along the edges, and when you blink, they spill over. He thumbs them away, smiling so wide his cheeks ache.

"Hi," he whispers. You laugh, a sob escaping with it, and he feels his heart soar at the sound.

"Hi," you say back, and then you're surging forward, capturing his lips with yours.

It's a desperate kiss, the kind that says how much you've missed each other, how afraid you were of never seeing the other again. It's the first kiss you've shared in months, and it's the best damn kiss Hunter's ever had. The world narrows down to just the two of you, and nothing else exists, not the trees or the ship or his family watching from the hatch, their jaws hanging open.

It's just him and you, finally, blissfully, reunited.

He kisses you hard, and you return the pressure, clutching him close. His arms slip around your waist, lifting you off the ground for a moment, and you gasp against his mouth, laughing when he sets you down again.

"Miss me?" you ask, a teasing note to your voice, and Hunter pulls back just enough to meet your eyes.

"Yeah," he replies, and then he's kissing you again, softer this time. Gentler. His lips move against yours, slow and deliberate, and your fingers tighten their grip in his hair. 

He doesn't know how long it's been since he's started kissed you, or how long you've been kissing him, but it doesn't matter. It's not enough, could never be enough. He needs more of you, needs every part of you pressed against him, so close he can feel your heartbeat.

You hum, your hand moving to cup the back of his head, and the kiss deepens. Hunter's hands drift, sliding down the curve of your spine until his palms are pressed flat against the small of your back, and he pulls you closer. Your body molds to his perfectly, and you're warm and soft and so unbelievably real, and he never wants to let you go.

"Uh..."

The sudden intrusion startles him, and he pulls away from the kiss with a jerk, looking over his shoulder. The rest of his squad is staring at him, dumbfounded, and he can't keep the blush from creeping up his neck.

"Uh," he repeats, his face flushing. "Hey."

Wrecker's jaw is hanging open, and so is Tech's. Hunter doesn't think he's ever seen either of his brothers at a loss for words.

"We, uh..." Hunter clears his throat, glancing back at you. Your cheeks are flushed, lips swollen from the kiss, but you're grinning up at him, your eyes dancing. You give him a little nod, a silent permission to tell them the truth, and his heart flutters. "We were going to tell you, but things... got in the way."

Wrecker is the first to recover, his surprise shifting into a massive smile.

"I knew it!" he yells, pumping his fist in the air. "I told ya, didn't I? Didn't I?"

"That you did," Tech replies. His mouth is still open, but he closes it quickly, pushing his goggles up his nose before reaching up to scratch the back of his head. "Well, this is... certainly unexpected."

"That's an understatement," Echo mutters. He glances at Hunter, his brow raised. "So, how long has this been going on?"

"Uh..." Hunter's eyes dart to you, but you only smile at him. He swallows the lump in his throat and takes a deep breath. "It's been a couple years."

"A couple years?"

"Yeah."

"Years," Echo repeats. "Right. Okay."

"You could have told us," Tech says. He's looking at Hunter now, his face impassive, but Hunter can read the hurt in his eyes hidden behind the mask of indifference. "We wouldn't have betrayed your trust."

"I know," Hunter sighs, running a hand over his head. "We just... we wanted to keep it quiet."

"It was my idea," you say, and Hunter's surprised to see you look guilty. Your eyes are fixed on the ground, and he watches the way your bottom lip wobbles before you suck it into your mouth. You look up at him through your lashes, and he offers you a reassuring smile. You return it, but it's hesitant. "The Order's views on attachment were... a little different, to say the least. It would have put both of us at risk if anyone found out. So we kept it secret."

"Well, now you don't have to," Wrecker grins.

"No, I suppose not," you reply, smiling at him, but there's a sadness to your expression that makes Hunter's chest tighten. He can only imagine how difficult the last few months have been for you, what it's like to be in hiding, constantly looking over your shoulder. His arms ache to wrap around you again, to pull you into his chest and hold you close, to protect you from everything and everyone.

But he can't.

The Empire is everywhere, always watching. The war might be over, but the danger isn't gone, not yet. Not for him, and not for you.

"Can I come out now?" a voice voice drifts from the ship, and Hunter looks up, surprised. His eyes land on Omega, her arms crossed over her chest. She looks irritated, a frown pulling at her lips, and he chuckles.

"Yeah, kid," he says, nodding his head towards the ramp. "Come on."

Omega wastes no time in running out of the ship, her irritation forgotten in her excitement. She skids to a stop a few feet away, her eyes wide as she stares at you. You kneel down, a warm smile spreading across your face, and Hunter feels his heart squeeze in his chest.

"Hey," you say softly. "You must be Omega. I've heard a lot about you."

Omega steps forward, holding her hand out for you to shake, and you take it.

"Nice to meet you," she says politely.

"And you," you reply, giving her hand a gentle squeeze before letting go. Your eyes are soft as you study her face, a fondness to your expression that Hunter's only seen a few times.

He knows how much you love children. The Order never allowed its members to have families, but that hasn't stopped you from falling in love with kids everywhere you go. He's seen the way your eyes light up when you're around them, how gently you speak to them, like they're the most important people in the galaxy. 

He knows it's just the way you are, but sometimes, he wonders if it's something more. If maybe, someday, you'd want to have kids of your own.

And the thought terrifies him.

Not because he doesn't want a family with you, but because the world is changing, and he's not sure there's any place for it. You're in hiding, and he's a traitor to the Republic. How would it ever work?

He knows you wouldn't care about the dangers, though. You'd risk everything for a chance at a normal life, a family, and while he'd give anything for that too, he doesn't think he can allow himself to get his hopes up.

Not now. Not yet.

He's lost in thought, his gaze drifting to the trees surrounding the house, when a tug on his arm brings him back. You're looking up at him, an eyebrow raised, and when he blinks, you roll your eyes, a fond smile twitching at your lips.

"Sorry," he murmurs. "What did you say?"

"I was asking how long you're staying," you repeat, but he can tell by the look on your face you know what's going on in his head. You're giving him a moment to compose himself, a distraction to keep him from slipping into another spiral.

It's a common occurrence these days.

"Well," Hunter starts, glancing at the rest of his team. "We're kind of... between jobs, right now."

"That's putting it lightly," Echo scoffs.

"So we figured we could use a little vacation," Hunter finishes. He looks back at you. "If you'll have us."

"Of course I will," you smile, and Hunter doesn't miss the way your shoulders relax, the relief in your eyes. "Stay as long as you want."

"We don't want to intrude," Hunter says, his gaze softening. "If you need some space, we understand. We can—"

"Don't be ridiculous," you huff, nudging his shoulder. "I'd love to have you."

"Really?"

"Yeah, of course," you nod, glancing at the others. "All of you."

"Good," Hunter breathes, unable to keep the sigh of relief from escaping his lips. "I didn't really wanna leave anyway."

"Good," you say, leaning into his side. You rest your head against his shoulder, and Hunter's arm wraps around you almost automatically, pulling you against him. "I've missed you."

"Yeah," Hunter says softly. "Me too."

"Oh, yeah," Wrecker grins. "He hasn't shut up about you."

"Wrecker," Hunter hisses.

"No, really," Tech nods, adjusting his goggles. "Ever since we lost contact, he hasn't stopped talking about you."

"Not that he wasn't always talking about her," Echo teases.

"Hey," Hunter protests, but he can feel his cheeks burning, and he knows the blush is starting to creep up his neck. You're smiling, a knowing glint in your eye as you glance up at him, and Hunter rolls his eyes. "They're exaggerating."

"We are not," Tech says, frowning at him.

"Maybe not," Echo smirks, his gaze settling on you. "But now we know why he's been so weird about seeing you again."

"He's been weird?" you ask. You're trying to hold back a laugh, but Hunter can see the mirth in your eyes.

"He hasn't stopped pacing for days."

"He nearly fell over his own feet trying to get off the ship."

"Oh, yeah, he was nervous all right," Wrecker chuckles, crossing his arms over his chest. "Never seen him like that before. I was startin' to get worried."

"Guys," Hunter grumbles. "Come on."

"Well," you smile, patting his chest. "I'm glad you came. All of you."

"Us too," Omega says. Her face is scrunched up, like she's trying not to laugh. "Hunter was so nervous he forgot how to breathe."

"Alright, that's enough," Hunter huffs. He can feel his ears burning, and he shoots Omega a pointed look. "Everyone, inside."

"Aw, but—"

"Now," Hunter snaps, cutting Wrecker off. He's not mad, not really, but he can't help the embarrassment. "We'll be there in a minute."

Wrecker opens his mouth to protest, but Echo nudges him, nodding his head towards the house. Tech doesn't wait for either of them, heading inside without another word, and Wrecker reluctantly follows after him, grumbling under his breath. Omega casts one last look over her shoulder, waving at you before disappearing inside.

The silence that settles over the two of you is heavy, and Hunter lets out a long breath. He runs a hand over his hair, avoiding your eyes.

"I can't believe they told you that," he mutters, but he can feel your gaze on him, the smile in your eyes, and his irritation fades.

"They're only teasing," you say, resting a hand on his cheek. You brush your thumb over his skin, and he closes his eyes, letting out a shaky breath. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah," he replies, opening his eyes to look at you. Your smile is soft, gentle, and he melts under your gaze. "Just a little overwhelmed."

"Me too," you chuckle, dropping your hand. He quickly grabs it, pulling it to his chest, and your expression shifts. "I've been so worried, Hunter. I thought..."

"I know," he whispers. His grip tightens on your hand. "I've missed you so much."

"I missed you too," you whisper back. Your voice wavers, and Hunter tugs on your arm, bringing you closer.

"I'm here now," he murmurs, tilting his head down. "I'm not going anywhere, I promise."

You nod, but the fear is still shining in your eyes. He knows that feeling all too well, the uncertainty, the constant worry, the doubt. And it's hard to believe him, he knows, when the past few months have been nothing but fear and anxiety. But he's determined to make it better, to do whatever it takes to ease your mind, even if it's just for a little while.

He leans forward, pressing his forehead to yours, and the contact makes you sigh.

"I'm gonna take care of you," he says softly, bringing a hand up to cup your cheek. He strokes the skin with his thumb, his fingers gentle, and his heart stutters in his chest at the way your eyes flutter closed. "You don't have to worry anymore. I'll make sure nothing happens to you, I promise."

"You don't have to—"

"I know," he cuts you off, brushing his nose against yours. "But I'm going to. We're gonna protect you, sweetheart. All of us."

"Thank you," you whisper, opening your eyes. He's startled by the emotion swimming in your gaze, the tears pooling along the edges, and the sight breaks his heart. “But I can’t put you guys in danger. The Empire—”

"The Empire won't do anything," he assures you. "You're safe. We'll keep you safe."

"But what if—"

"Listen," he murmurs, stroking his thumb over your cheek. You suck your lip into your mouth, chewing on the flesh, and he gently pries it from your teeth. "None of that. I won't let anything happen to you. Neither will they. You're part of the team, and we take care of our own. No matter what."

"You don't have to do this, Hunter."

"I know," he says, his voice low. He doesn't want to push, doesn't want to force you to come with them, but he needs you to believe him. Needs you to understand. "But I want to. Please. Let me take care of you. It'll be good for all of us."

You're quiet for a moment, your brow furrowed, but then you let out a soft sigh, your shoulders slumping, and your eyes drop to the ground.

"Okay," you whisper. "Okay."

"Hey," Hunter says. His free hand tilts your chin up, forcing you to look at him. "Trust me, alright? You're safe now."

You nod, but you don't look convinced. He sighs, leaning forward until his lips brush against yours, featherlight, barely there.

"We can talk more later," he murmurs. He's desperate to kiss you again, his whole body aching for it, but he doesn't want to rush you. He's willing to wait, no matter how badly he wants you. "If you're okay with it."

"Yes," you breathe, your hands coming up to clutch at his armor, and you press a soft kiss to his jaw. "I'd like that."

He lets out a shaky breath, fighting the urge to press his hips into yours, but then your hands slide up over his shoulders to tangle in his hair, and he groans. You chuckle, a sweet, breathy sound that has his blood singing, and Hunter's restraint crumbles.

He kisses you, slow and deliberate, and his hands are moving on their own. He lifts you into his arms, and you wrap your legs around his waist, pulling him closer. You're pliant under his touch, letting him guide the kiss, and he licks at your lips, begging for entrance. You give it easily, and his tongue sweeps into your mouth, curling against yours.

His hips press against yours, and your body is hot against him, so soft and perfect. You taste so good, and feel even better, and the sounds you're making, the little whines and gasps, are driving him crazy.

"I'm not letting you out of my sight," he murmurs, pulling away from the kiss. He's breathing hard, his pulse thrumming, and he can't keep the smirk off his face. You look beautiful, flushed and breathless, and his desire spikes when your fingers tug at his hair.

"Fine with me," you smile.

"Good." He kisses you again, deep and slow, and his hands drift lower. "I've got a lot of time to make up for."

"Mmm," you hum, your head falling back. Hunter can't resist the urge to kiss your throat, his teeth grazing over the delicate skin, and you shudder. A breathy moan falls from your lips, soft and quiet, but Hunter hears it. He always does.

"Fuck," he growls. "You sound so pretty."

"Hunter," you sigh. His name is the sweetest thing he's ever heard, and he has to fight the urge to take you right then and there.

"We should go inside," he murmurs, brushing his lips over the shell of your ear.

"Mmhmm," you reply. You're nuzzling his neck, your hot breath sending shivers down his spine, and his hold on you tightens.

"Sweetheart," he groans. "I can't think straight when you do that."

"That's the idea."

"Come on," he says. He's reluctant to put you down, but he does, his hands lingering on your waist for a moment.

You look at him, your eyes bright, and your smile makes his chest ache. He wants so badly to stay with you, to pull you into his lap and bury himself in your warmth, to have the freedom to kiss you, touch you, love you, without having to worry about getting caught. He's never been able to do that before, always keeping you a secret, always worried about being found out, but the Order doesn't exist anymore, and now he has the chance.

And he's going to take it.

He's not going to hide his feelings anymore. You deserve more than that.

You reach up and touch his cheek, the gentle gesture enough to calm his racing heart.

"Let's go," you say, your thumb stroking over his skin. "Before they get suspicious."

"I'm pretty sure they're already suspicious," he chuckles, glancing towards the house.

"It's a little obvious, isn't it?"

"Yeah," he admits, his face heating up. "A little."

You laugh, taking his hand in yours. You're leading him towards the door, but he stops, giving you a gentle tug.

"Hey," he murmurs, waiting for you to turn around. You do, a small smile tugging at your lips, and he can't help the way his eyes dart down to your mouth, the memory of your kiss sending a thrill down his spine.

"What?"

"I love you," he whispers. He's not sure why he says it. You know how he feels, you've known it for a long time, but something about it feels different, now. Like it means more than it did before.

Maybe it does.

Your expression softens, the corners of your mouth twitching upwards, and he can see the happiness in your eyes, the fondness. It's a look he's familiar with, one he's seen many times, but the knowledge that he can see it as much as he wants now, without having to hide or sneak around, makes his heart flutter in his chest.

"I love you, too," you whisper, a smile spreading across your face.

"Come here," he says. You're in his arms again before you can say a word, his mouth finding yours, and you're melting into his touch, the kiss deepening, turning desperate. He has to pull away before his brain completely shuts down, and when he does, he rests his forehead against yours, breathing heavily.

"Later," he promises, his voice a rasp.

"Later," you agree.

He lets out a long breath, nodding his head once before stepping back. His hand slides down to rest at the small of your back, and he gives you a gentle nudge, nodding towards the house. You smile, reaching up to straighten his bandana, and Hunter can't help but chuckle at the action.

"Lead the way," you say.

"Always," he grins, and then you're walking up the path, the warmth of the sun enveloping you as you step onto the porch.

The door slides open before Hunter can even reach for the panel, Wrecker's smiling face poking out.

"Oh, good," he says, looking at the two of you. "I was beginning to think you'd forgotten about us."

"Of course not," you reply.

Wrecker's grin widens, and then he's stepping aside, his arm sweeping towards the inside of the house.

"After you, General."

"Thanks," you smile, nodding your head in appreciation. Hunter follows behind, his hand hovering at the base of your spine. Wrecker doesn't miss the movement, his eyebrows shooting up, but he doesn't say anything. He just watches, a knowing look in his eyes, and Hunter rolls his own.

"Not a word," he warns.

"Wasn't gonna say anything," Wrecker smirks, his gaze flickering to the hand resting on your back. "Not sure I need to."

"Don't start," Hunter sighs. He slows to a stop, crossing his arms over his chest, and you keep walking, a laugh spilling from your lips as you head towards the kitchen.

"Hey," Wrecker raises his hands in surrender, but the grin doesn't fade. "I'm happy for you. Both of you."

Hunter blinks. "Thanks," he says slowly.

"I mean it." Wrecker smiles. He claps a hand on Hunter's shoulder, a silent confirmation of his words, and Hunter returns the gesture. "You two deserve each other."

"Yeah," Hunter says, looking over at you. You're already in the kitchen, Tech at your side, and the two of you are talking rapidly at each other with Omega sitting on the counter between you. Tech's arms are waving wildly, a datapad gripped tightly in his hands, and you're grinning at him, the excitement obvious on your face. Echo is stirring a pot of something, the delicious smell of dinner drifting through the house, and he chimes in every now and then, his smile growing wider each time.

Omega glances up at him, and she gives him a little wave, her grin so wide her cheeks must ache. Hunter smiles back, his heart swelling, and he can't help but think, maybe everything is going to be alright.

You look so at home with his family, like you've always been a part of it, like you've always belonged there. And maybe you have. Maybe, this was where you were supposed to end up all along.

It's funny, how things work out sometimes. How, even after losing so much, even after having nearly everything taken from him, he somehow still managed to find something good.

"I guess we do,” Hunter finally replies, his gaze settling on you. He can't tear his eyes away, can't stop looking at the way the setting sun dances over your face, lighting you up in the most beautiful glow, the way your smile makes his heart beat faster.

Wrecker follows his gaze, the corners of his mouth twitching upwards. "So, does this mean she agreed to stay with us?"

"Yeah," Hunter sighs, unable to keep the smile off his face. "Yeah, she is."

"Good," Wrecker says. His smile widens. "That's good."

"It's going to be hard, keeping things quiet," Hunter says, glancing at his brother. "We've got a target on our backs, and I'm not sure how much longer we can hide. The Empire will find us eventually, and when they do—"

"It's okay," Wrecker interrupts, holding his hand up. "I know. But it's worth it, right? To keep her safe? And Omega?”

"Yeah," Hunter says without hesitation. "It is."

"Then we'll do whatever we have to," Wrecker replies. He nods towards the kitchen. "They'll understand. ‘Sides, Omega's gotta have a mom at some point. Might as well be her."

Hunter's breath catches, his chest tightening. "Wrecker—"

"You're happy," he continues, ignoring Hunter's protest. "You haven't been happy since... well, not since I can remember. And she makes you happy. And she's good with the kid, too. I can see how much she loves you, and how much you love her. So, what's the problem?"

Hunter stares at him, the surprise clear on his face.

"I, uh... nothing. There's no problem," he stammers, his brow furrowing.

"Good," Wrecker grins. He nudges him with his elbow, giving him a wink. "She's good for you, Sarge. And we're not gonna let anyone take that away from you. No matter what happens."

"Thanks," Hunter replies. He swallows the lump in his throat and blinks back the sudden moisture in his eyes. Wrecker squeezes his shoulder, smiling down at him, and Hunter takes a shaky breath.

"Don't mention it," Wrecker says. "Come on. I‘m starving."

"You're always hungry."

"Well, yeah," he scoffs. "We gotta keep our strength up, right? Especially if we're gonna be fighting off Imperials."

He mimes a punch, his fist slamming into his palm, and Hunter chuckles.

"Yeah, alright," he agrees. "Let's go eat."

The two of them walk into the kitchen, Wrecker immediately making a beeline for the pot Echo is stirring, and Hunter makes his way over to where you're standing with Tech.

He stands beside you, close enough for his arm to brush against yours, but he doesn't touch you. He keeps his hands at his sides, his fingers curling into his palms, but the desire to wrap his arms around you is overwhelming.

He knows you'll let him, but it's only been a few hours, and he's afraid if he touches you again, he won't be able to stop.

Tech is explaining something to you, his hands moving rapidly as he talks, and Hunter watches, his head tilted to the side. He's only half listening to what his brother is saying, but he's content to just watch the two of you interact. You're so invested in the conversation, asking questions, listening intently as Tech answers, and Hunter can't help but smile at the sight.

"So, what do you think?"

Tech's voice startles him out of his thoughts, and he shakes his head, forcing his attention back to the present.

"Uh... sorry," he mutters, glancing at you. "What was that?"

“Tech wants to gut my ship for parts like a bantha carcass," you huff. You're smirking at him, amusement shining in your eyes. "He's trying to convince me to let him take it apart."

"It's not as though we have much use for it," Tech argues. "And besides, it would give me something to do while we're here."

“Aren’t you all supposed to be relaxing?”

“I happen to find tinkering with electronics quite relaxing," Tech replies. "Especially old ones. And it will keep me busy, which means I won’t be pestering you. So really, you would be doing yourself a favor by allowing me to do this.”

Hunter smirks. “He’s got a point.”

“Traitor,” you mutter, nudging his shoulder.

He nudges you back, his grin widening, and you roll your eyes.

"Alright, fine," you sigh.

"Excellent," Tech smiles. He turns his attention back to the datapad in his hands, his eyes darting across the screen. “Omega, would you like to help me dismantle this ship? It will give you a chance to learn more about the components of different models."

"Sure," she nods. She jumps down from the counter, landing with a soft thud. 

Hunter watches the two of them disappear into the living room before looking at you. You're smiling softly, your head tilted to the side, and he can't stop his gaze from wandering, taking in every detail of your face.

"You're staring," you murmur. You look at him out of the corner of your eye, and the hint of a smile tugging at your lips betrays your feigned irritation.

"Can’t help it,” he replies. He reaches out, his fingers brushing against your hip. The simple touch is enough to send a spark shooting through him, a warmth blooming low in his stomach, and his grip tightens, pulling you closer.

"Hunter," you laugh, your eyes widening.

"Hmm?"

"We're not alone."

"We're not?" He arches an eyebrow. "Didn't notice."

"Hunter," you hiss, but there's no bite to your words, just a soft laugh. "Stop it."

"No," he grins, leaning forward to brush his lips over your cheek. You shiver, goosebumps erupting across your skin, and he feels a rush of pride at the reaction.

"You're impossible."

"Only because I can be," he murmurs, pressing another kiss to your cheek. You sigh, your eyelids fluttering shut, and Hunter can't resist the urge to brush his mouth over the soft skin, trailing gentle kisses down your neck. You let out a soft whine, the noise so quiet only he can hear it, and his body reacts instinctively, his hands tightening, his hips shifting closer.

"Hunter," you gasp, your voice low.

"You smell so good," he groans. His nose brushes against your throat, and he inhales deeply, breathing in the sweet scent. It sends a thrill through him, a burst of heat washing over his body, and he nuzzles the skin, his lips ghosting along the edge of your jaw.

He doesn't want to stop. He wants to keep going, wants to drag his mouth across every inch of you until there's no part untouched, until the taste of you is burned into his memory for good. But he's aware of the others in the room, and he forces himself to pull away. He puts some distance between you, enough so that he can breathe, but he can't bring himself to move too far away.

"Tonight," Hunter says, his voice rough. He glances over his shoulder, making sure the others are still distracted, before continuing, "I'm gonna take care of you."

"Mm," you nod. You look dazed, your cheeks flushed, and Hunter feels a surge of satisfaction knowing it's his fault. "You'd better."

"Oh, I will," he smirks. "All night, if you want."

You bite your lip, your eyes sparkling. "Promise?"

"I—"

"Alright, I’m no chef, but I think it’s ready," Echo calls, Wrecker already heading towards the pot with a stack of bowls. He turns around, a spoon in one hand, and Hunter catches a glimpse of a wicked smile. "If you can pry yourselves apart long enough to eat."

"We were just talking," you argue, but your face is red, and Hunter has to bite back a grin.

"Right," Echo laughs, his gaze flickering between you. "Just talking. Got it."

"Echo," Hunter warns.

"I didn't say anything," he replies innocently. He waves his spoon at the two of you, his grin widening. "You can have your little chat after dinner.”

“Enough talking,” Wrecker groans, snatching the spoon from Echo’s hand and shoving him out of the way. "Food first."

"We'll finish this later," Hunter whispers, and you nod.

"I'll hold you to that," you whisper, brushing a kiss against his cheek before you pull away, stepping towards the counter. You glance over your shoulder at him, a sly smile curling your lips, and Hunter has to force himself not to follow after you. He waits until you're busy helping Wrecker dish out the food before moving, and even then, he makes sure to keep his distance.

It's difficult.

The need to be near you is overwhelming, and he can't stand the thought of leaving you for even a moment. But he doesn't want to crowd you, either, and he has to remind himself that you're not going anywhere.

You're here, and he's here, and nothing is going to take him away from you. Not again.

The thought settles over him, calming the ache in his chest, and he finally allows himself to relax, falling into an easy rhythm with the others as the six of you gather around the table. He takes a seat next to you, his leg pressed against yours, and his arm is draped over the back of your chair, his fingers tracing idle patterns on your skin. You lean into his side, your body fitting against his like it was made to, and the warmth of you is enough to ease the last bit of tension that's been lingering beneath the surface.

The rest of the night passes in a blur. Hunter loses track of how many times his hand drifts to your side, or his fingers slip into your own, or his lips press against your temple. Every time he does it, he expects a reaction from you, a protest or an admonishment or a roll of the eyes, but each time, you simply smile, your eyes crinkling at the corners, and he finds himself doing it again, unable to stop himself.

It’s easy, familiar, like this is how it was always meant to be, and the fact that he can finally hold you without fear of getting caught is a relief that's impossible to put to words. There's no more hiding, no more sneaking around, no more worrying about being seen standing too close together or his hands lingering too long. It's freeing, not having to hide how he feels, not having to pretend like his feelings don't exist.

It's the most natural thing in the world.

And he's going to enjoy every second of it.

Eventually, the meal ends, the food vanishing into Wrecker's stomach, and Hunter helps you clean up while the others disappear outside. The setting sun guides them toward your ship with Tech in the lead, and Hunter watches them go, his eyes lingering on the door for a moment before returning to you. You're scrubbing at a pot, your brow furrowed in concentration, and he can't help the fond smile that spreads across his face. He leans against the counter, crossing his arms over his chest, content to watch you work.

"You're staring again," you mumble, not bothering to look at him.

"How did you know?"

"I can feel it," you chuckle. You set the pot aside and dry your hands before hanging up the towel. "I always know."

"It's not my fault," he says, pushing off the counter. Hunter closes the distance between the two of you, his hands resting on your hips. "You're hard to resist. And I can't keep my eyes off you."

"You're such a flatterer."

"It's not flattery if it's true."

You shake your head, a smile spreading across your face.

"What?"

"Nothing," you laugh. "Just... the way you're acting. It's kind of cute."

"Cute?" He frowns, his nose wrinkling. "I don't know about that."

"It is." Your arms snake around his neck, your fingers tangling in his hair, and you tilt your head to the side. "I'm used to the serious, stoic Hunter. I like this one, too."

"Oh, yeah?"

"Mmhmm," you hum. Your lips press against his jaw, a soft kiss that has his eyes fluttering shut, and his hands slide down to grip your thighs. He lifts you onto the counter, and your legs wrap around his waist, pulling him closer.

"Is that so?"

"Uh-huh," you nod, and you kiss him again. This time, it's lower, right where his pulse is jumping under his skin, and he groans, his eyes falling shut.

"I didn't know you liked him so much," he manages to say, his breath hitching.

"I love him," you murmur. "As much as the other one."

"Well," he chuckles. He pulls away just enough to look at you, his hands cradling your face. "I think I can live with that."

You lean forward, and he meets you halfway, his mouth finding yours.

It starts off slow, a lazy kiss, his hands moving from your face to tangle in your hair. But then your lips part, and the soft sound you make is enough to light a fire in his veins, and he's kissing you with everything he has, pouring all his emotion into it. You return it eagerly, matching him stroke for stroke, and when his tongue brushes against yours, the groan he lets out is so loud he can't even hear the others yelling outside.

It doesn't matter, anyway. Nothing does, except the two of you.

"Bedroom," you gasp, breaking the kiss. "Now."

"Yeah," he pants. He grabs your thighs, pulling you off the counter, and you wrap your legs around his waist, his arms hooking under your knees.

He doesn't say anything else. He can't. He just kisses you, his tongue sliding past your parted lips, and your nails dig into his shoulders, a desperate moan spilling from your throat.

He carries you through the house, navigating the halls blindly, too focused on kissing you to care where he's going. He nearly trips over a chair, but he manages to keep his balance, and you laugh, the sound vibrating against his mouth. He breaks the kiss long enough to shoot you a playful glare, and you beam back.

"In a hurry, are we?"

"You have no idea," he mutters. He kicks the door to your bedroom open, shutting it behind him with his foot, and strides across the room. "Been wanting this for too damn long."

"Mm," you sigh. You're kissing his neck now, your tongue lapping at his skin, and his pace quickens. He feels the softness of the mattress hit the back of his legs, and he sits, his hands shifting to cup your thighs.

"Missed you," he rasps as you settle into his lap. You're straddling him now, and the heat of you against him is driving him crazy. "Missed you so much."

"Missed you too," you whisper, and your hands are cupping his face, pulling him towards you. Your fingers trace the outline of his tattoo, your touch gentle, almost reverent. He closes his eyes, savoring the feeling, and his breath hitches as you brush your lips over his temple.

"I can't believe this is real," he admits, his voice low. "I keep thinking it's some kind of dream, that I'm gonna wake up and find myself back on the ship."

"It's not a dream," you promise. You press a kiss to his forehead, his cheek, his nose, and then, finally, his mouth. It's soft, chaste, but no less intense, and Hunter sighs, his hands sliding up to curl around your waist.

"You're really here," he whispers. "I didn't think..."

"I'm not going anywhere," you assure him, and the conviction in your voice makes his heart ache. Your forehead is resting against his, your lips barely an inch apart, and he can feel your breath ghosting across his skin. "I love you."

"I'm sorry," he breathes. "For not coming to you sooner. For not—"

"Hunter, stop," you cut him off, your fingers pressing against his mouth. He quiets instantly, his gaze locked with yours. "It's not your fault. There was nothing you could've done."

"I could've tried harder," he protests. "Could've tried to find you."

"You couldn't," you sigh, shaking your head. "You know that. I didn't want to be found. I'm not even supposed to be here. If anyone finds me, I'm as good as dead."

"I won't let that happen."

"I know," you smile. Your thumbs rub gentle circles against his cheeks, and you press a kiss to the corner of his mouth. "And I love you for it. But we can't change the past. We just have to make the most of the time we have now."

"Right," he nods. He swallows the lump in his throat, trying to push away the guilt, the anger, the regret. "I just..."

"What?"

He lets out a long breath, his shoulders slumping. "Do you ever think about what it could've been like? If we hadn't lost each other? If...things had gone differently, and the war had ended the way it was supposed to?"

"Yeah," you admit, and you give him a sad smile, the corners of your mouth twitching upwards. "Sometimes."

"Me too," Hunter whispers. He pulls you closer, burying his face in your neck. You hold him there, your arms wrapping around him, and his hands drift up to clutch at the back of your shirt. He inhales deeply, taking in the scent of you, letting it fill him up, ground him.

"Sometimes I wonder," you murmur, your voice low, "what would've happened if we'd met in a different life. If we were just people, with no obligations or duties, no expectations or responsibilities. No wars, no battles, no death. Just us."

"A life together," he mumbles, the words muffled against your skin.

"Yeah," you say, and you sigh, a wistful sound that sends a pang through his chest. "A life together."

"We'd have a place like this," he says. He glances up at you, his chin resting on your chest. "A home."

You hum in agreement, leaning down to press a kiss to his forehead. "We would."

"We'd be happy," he continues. He smiles at you, a small, sad thing, and your fingers trace the curve of his lips. "We'd have a family. Maybe even kids. And we wouldn't have to hide."

"We wouldn't," you agree, a tear slipping down your cheek. He reaches up, catching it before it can fall, and brushes his thumb over your cheekbone, wiping away the dampness.

"I would've married you," he whispers. His voice breaks on the word, and he has to pause, taking a deep breath before continuing. "If I could. I would've married you, and given you everything I had."

"Hunter," you whisper, your voice breaking.

"I'm sorry," he sighs. "I just—"

"No, no," you cut him off with a shake of your head. You kiss him again, and he melts into it, the feel of your lips against his enough to soothe the ache in his chest.

"We could still have it," he breathes, his mouth moving over your jaw, the skin so soft and warm and inviting. "We could."

"I know," you reply, and you tilt your head back, allowing him access to your neck. He nips at the sensitive skin, and you shudder, a whimper falling from your lips.

"Do you want it?" he asks, his voice low. He's not sure why he does, not sure what he wants the answer to be, but the question falls from his mouth without thought.

"More than anything," you admit, and Hunter feels his heart skip a beat.

"Then we'll make it happen," he promises. "If you'll have me."

"I already do," you whisper, and then you're kissing him again, harder this time, with more desperation, like you need to prove how much you mean it.

His hands wander, mapping out every curve, every contour, every inch of your body, and your own exploration isn't far behind, the two of you touching and caressing and stroking in a way that leaves him panting, his heart racing.

"Please," you whimper, and the sound goes straight to his cock.

"Anything," he rasps. "Whatever you want."

"I just want you."

"You have me," he breathes. "You'll always have me."

You're kissing him again, the desperation in your touch increasing with every second that passes. He feels like his entire body is on fire, like the slightest touch could set him off, and he groans into your mouth, his tongue darting out to trace the seam of your lips.

He knows what you want, and he gives it to you without hesitation, his mouth opening wide as he dips his tongue inside, his fingers digging into your hips. You gasp, and he swallows the noise, his hands gripping the fabric of your shirt.

He pulls it up and over your head, breaking the kiss for only a moment, and he takes the opportunity to drink in the sight of you, his gaze sweeping over every inch of exposed skin.

You're so beautiful, it almost hurts to look at you.

You stare back, your chest heaving, your eyes dark with lust. You're biting your lip, and his own mouth falls open, his eyes widening.

He doesn't say a word. He can't. His brain can't seem to form a coherent thought, not when you're looking at him like that, and he swallows, his eyes darting to the swell of your breasts. You're wearing a bra, but it's not much, a scrap of lace and silk that leaves nothing to the imagination. He can see the outline of your nipples, the stiff peaks pressing against the fabric, and he can't help but reach up and run his thumb over one, the contact making him shiver.

"Hunter," you whimper, your eyelids fluttering shut. He repeats the action, watching in fascination as your chest rises and falls, and he does it again, the soft whine that falls from your lips spurring him on.

"Look at you," he murmurs, his hand cupping your breast. "So perfect."

He leans down, his mouth closing over the soft mound, and he sucks gently, his tongue lapping at the hard nub through the fabric. Your back arches, a broken moan escaping your lips, and Hunter feels a rush of heat shoot through him, his cock straining against the confines of his pants.

"Fuck," he curses, his breath hot against your skin, his hands moving to undo his belt. It's a struggle, his fingers shaking, but he manages, tugging it free and tossing it to the side. As soon as it hits the ground, you're pushing his hands away, taking over, and he grins, letting you take the lead.

"Here, let me," you murmur as your fingers work to unclip his armor. He nods, sitting back on his hands and admiring the view as you remove each piece, dropping them to the floor. The way your brow furrows in concentration, the softness of your skin, the swell of your breasts as they rise and fall with every breath, the warmth of your hands, the gentleness of your touch, all of it sends another wave of heat crashing through him.

It's breathtaking, the sight of you, and Hunter can't help the pride that swells in his chest. It’s not the first time he’s felt it, the rush of joy that comes with seeing the woman he loves, but it still catches him off guard.

He wonders, briefly, if he'll ever get used to the feeling. If he ever stops being amazed by how incredible you are, how lucky he is to have found you.

"What are you thinking about?"

You're kneeling in front of him now, your hands resting on his knees, and the question startles him out of his thoughts.

"Nothing," he says, and you tilt your head to the side, giving him a knowing look. He chuckles, reaching out to cup your cheek, his thumb stroking along your jaw. "Just admiring the view."

"Oh, really?"

"Really," he replies, his gaze dropping to the exposed flesh of your chest. He can't stop himself from leaning forward, his fingers skimming along the lace, before brushing over the delicate skin of your cleavage.

"Hunter," you whimper, arching into him.

"Beautiful," he says. His eyes meet yours, a wicked grin pulling at his lips. "I can't wait to get my mouth on you."

You blush, the heat creeping up your neck, and Hunter chuckles, pulling you towards him. He wraps his arms around you, burying his face in your chest.

“But first,” he murmurs against your chest. His lips brush over your sternum, his nose skimming the tops of your breasts, and his hands find the waistband of your pants, tugging the fabric down. “I want to see all of you.”

You moan, letting him pull the material down your thighs, your eyes slipping shut as his hands glide along your legs. You step out of the clothing, them aside, and he takes the opportunity to remove his pants and shirt, tossing them into the growing pile of clothes.

You stand between his legs, staring down at him in nothing but your bra and panties, and Hunter has to take a deep breath. The sight of you is almost too much, the need coiling in his belly threatening to overwhelm him, but he manages to rein himself in.

"Gorgeous," he whispers. His hands are on your thighs, his thumbs rubbing slow circles into the sensitive flesh. "Come here."

He pulls you into his lap, guiding you to straddle his hips, and you go willingly, settling yourself onto his thighs. He presses a kiss to the hollow of your throat, his teeth grazing the skin, and you sigh, tilting your head to the side, granting him access.

"You smell so good," he murmurs. His nose traces the column of your neck, breathing in the sweet scent. It sends a thrill through him, a wave of desire surging forward, and his hips jerk involuntarily, grinding against yours. His cock is straining against the fabric of his underwear, aching for release, and he can't stop himself from groaning.

"Fuck," he rasps, his teeth scraping against your collarbone as you shift. You're moving against him, a slow roll of your hips, and Hunter can feel his restraint slipping.

"Hunter," you sigh. His mouth moves down, his lips trailing over the swell of your breast, his tongue darting out to lap at the lace covering your nipple.

"You're driving me crazy, sweetheart," he breathes, his breath hot against your skin. "The things I wanna do to you."

"What do you want to do to me?"

He can't stop the groan that escapes him. He grabs your hips, his fingers digging into the flesh, and tugs you down, grinding his clothed erection against you.

"Everything," he growls. His mouth moves along your neck, biting and sucking, leaving a trail of bruises in its wake. "Anything you want. I'd do anything for you."

"Anything?"

"Mmhm," he murmurs, nuzzling your chest. He can't stop himself from licking and sucking, the taste of your skin intoxicating. His hands are roaming up and down your sides, squeezing and caressing, and you arch into him, your body reacting to his touch.

He slides a hand down your spine, his fingers finding the clasp of your bra. He makes quick work of it, unhooking the latch and pulling the straps down your arms. You sit back, letting the fabric fall away, and he can't help but stare, his mouth hanging open.

Your nipples are hard, pebbled and straining, and he can't resist the urge to flick his tongue across one, teasing the stiff peak. You let out a whimper, your fingers tangling in his hair, and he grins, swirling his tongue around the sensitive bud.

"Oh," you gasp. Your eyes are closed, your head tipped back, and Hunter smiles against your skin. He continues his assault, licking and sucking, his teeth grazing over the stiff nub.

"Feels good, doesn't it?" he purrs. You nod, a soft moan falling from your lips. He switches to the other nipple, giving it the same attention, and you squirm in his lap, your hips rocking against his.

"Force, yes," you pant, tugging at his hair. "I missed this. Missed you."

"Me too, sweetheart," he murmurs. His hands move to cup your breasts, squeezing and kneading, and you let out a shaky breath, rolling your hips against his. "I missed touching you, kissing you, being inside you."

"Yes," you whimper. His fingers are plucking at your nipples, pinching and tugging, and you grind down on his lap, desperate for friction. "Please, Hunter."

"Don't worry," he promises. He kisses his way up your chest, along the curve of your neck, and nips at your earlobe. "I'm gonna take care of you."

"Good," you huff, wrapping your arms around his neck. "I've waited long enough."

"Too long," he agrees. He lifts his head, his gaze meeting yours. "But we've got all the time in the world."

You smile at him, cupping his face. For a moment, the two of you simply stare at each other, neither saying a word. He can see the desire in your eyes, the need shining bright, but there's something else, something deeper, and his heart swells, his chest filling with warmth.

Then, without warning, Hunter flips you over, pressing you down into the mattress. He hovers above you, his weight resting on his forearms, and he smirks when you let out a surprised squeal.

"Hunter!"

"Hmm?" he hums, dipping his head to kiss the underside of your jaw. You arch into him, a soft moan escaping you.

"What are you—mm, that feels good," you sigh, tipping your head to the side.

"What's that, sweetheart?"

"Nothing," you murmur. Your arms are draped over his shoulders, your fingers threading through his hair. He presses a kiss to your throat, his teeth scraping over the sensitive skin, and you groan. “Keep going.”

Hunter chuckles, his hands sliding up your thighs. He reaches your hips, his fingers hooking under the waistband of your underwear.

"Lift your hips for me," he says, his breath ghosting across your ear. You obey, lifting yourself up off the mattress, and Hunter pulls the fabric down your legs. He tosses it over his shoulder, not bothering to see where it lands, before turning his attention back to you.

"Perfect," he breathes.

You're spread out in front of him, completely naked, your cheeks flushed, chest heaving, and he's mesmerized. It's not the first time he's seen you like this, but it's been too long, and his memory can't compare to the real thing.

He traces a finger along your inner thigh as he settles between your legs, his hand gliding over the soft flesh, and he watches as goosebumps erupt across your skin. You're trembling, the anticipation clear in your eyes, and Hunter grins, enjoying the effect he has on you.

"Tell me what you want," he says, his fingers ghosting along your slit. He's not surprised to find you wet, the scent of your arousal thick in the air, and he inhales deeply, relishing the familiar aroma.

"I want you," you whimper, your hips bucking upwards. He places a hand on your stomach, holding you down.

"How do you want me?"

"I don't care," you pant, reaching for him. Your fingers wrap around his wrist, your nails digging into the skin, and he bites back a groan. "I just need you. Please."

"Soon," he promises. He kisses your thigh, his lips trailing over the smooth flesh. "Let me take care of you first."

"You don't have to," you insist.

"Oh, I want to," he murmurs, his mouth inches from your center. "So badly."

"Oh," you moan, your back arching as his breath ghosts over your sensitive skin. You're trembling beneath him, and Hunter can't help but smile. It's intoxicating, knowing how badly you want him, and he can't stop the pride that swells in his chest.

His tongue flicks out, teasingly brushing against your folds, and you let out a breathy sigh, your body tensing.

"Stop teasing,” you plead.

"Sorry, sweetheart," he says, though he can’t find it in him to sound apologetic. His fingers part your folds, and his tongue slides through your slick heat, circling your entrance before dragging up to flick over your clit.

"Ah, fuck," you moan as your eyes roll back. Your hands are clutching the sheets, and he grins, swirling his tongue around the bundle of nerves. You gasp, your hips jerking, and he grabs them, holding you in place as he begins to lick and suck.

He wastes no time, his tongue and lips reacquainting themselves with your folds, and the taste of you is enough to make him dizzy. It's sweet and salty, familiar and unfamiliar, and Hunter can't get enough. He buries his face in your cunt, his nose rubbing against your clit as his tongue probes your entrance.

"Oh, Hunter, yes," you pant, your hand shooting down to tangle in his hair. He grins against you at the praise, his tongue plunging inside, and you let out a strangled moan.

He eats you out with enthusiasm, his tongue exploring every inch of your pussy. He's not sure how long he spends there, his face buried between your thighs, his mouth sucking and licking at your cunt. It could be hours, or mere minutes, but he doesn't care. It's perfect, the feeling of you underneath him, the way your body writhes, the noises falling from your lips.

He fucks you with his tongue, his grip on your thighs tightening, and your back arches, a desperate whine escaping you.

"Fuck, yes, Hunter," you cry out, your legs wrapping around his head, locking him in place. He moans, his tongue plunging deeper, his fingers digging into the soft flesh. He can't stop himself, his movements becoming frantic, desperate.

He needs more, craves it. Wants to feel you come apart, to know that it's his name on your lips. That it's his touch making you lose your careful composure.

"That's it," he groans, his breath hot against your pussy. "Come on my face, sweetheart."

He's not sure if it's the words or the way he thrusts his tongue inside, curling and stroking, but something sends you over the edge, and he's rewarded with a choked cry and a gush of slick heat as you clamp down around him.

Your toes curl, your back arching off the bed, and Hunter has to hold you down, his grip tightening as his mouth continues its relentless assault. Your walls pulse around him, clenching and releasing, and he lets out a growl, his tongue pushing deeper.

"Kriff," you moan, your hands clutching at his hair, pulling and tugging. He lets out a muffled groan, his eyes slipping shut, and he savors the feeling, the taste, the smell.

The fact that it's you, that he's the one who got you here, who made you come undone, is enough to send a wave of pleasure coursing through him. It's addicting, the feeling of having you like this, and he can't help the surge of satisfaction that comes with the knowledge that no one else has ever seen you this way. And if he has his way, no one ever will.

"Force, I missed that," he says once you finally relax, your legs falling from his shoulders. He licks his lips, grinning, and wipes his chin with the back of his hand.

"Me too," you breathe, propping yourself up on your elbows. "That was incredible."

"Yeah?" he asks, crawling up your body. He plants a kiss on your sternum, moving higher until his mouth finds yours. You return his messy kiss eagerly, moaning when you taste yourself on his tongue, and he chuckles, cupping your cheek.

"Mmhm," you sigh.

"Good," he murmurs, kissing you again. His tongue probes your mouth, searching for every last drop of sweetness. You cling to him, your nails digging into his shoulders, and he grunts, his cock twitching at the feeling.

"Need you," you whisper, breaking the kiss. Your hands slip down, coming to rest on his ass. You give him a squeeze, a playful grin on your lips, and Hunter can't stop the smirk that pulls at his mouth.

"Patience, sweetheart," he says. "We've got all the time in the galaxy."

"No," you shake your head, hooking your leg around his waist. You pull him closer, the hard line of his clothed cock rubbing against your clit, and you moan, grinding against him. "I need you now."

"Kriff," he groans, his head falling forward. The heat is radiating off of you, and he can't stop himself from pushing against you, seeking relief. "Yeah, alright. But I wanna take my time with you."

"We can take our time later," you promise. You tug at his underwear, pulling the fabric down his thighs, and he kicks them off, sighing in relief as his cock springs free. A pleased noise escapes you at the sight of him, hard and straining, and your other leg wraps around him, urging him on.

"Sweetheart," he breathes, his hips rolling. His cock is trapped between the two of you, sliding through your slick folds, and the sensation is almost too much.

"Please," you beg, tilting your hips upwards. You're soaking wet, the head of his cock sliding through the mess, and it's all he can do not to sink inside you.

"Fuck," he hisses. His grip on your waist tightens, and he presses a kiss to your neck, his lips tracing a path along the curve. You moan, arching into him, and he takes the opportunity to capture your lips in another messy kiss. He can feel the desire pouring off you, the need coursing through your veins, and it's overwhelming. He doesn’t even notice your legs tightening around him, not until you flip him over, and suddenly you're on top of him, straddling his lap.

"Shit," he gasps, his eyes wide. "That was—"

"Fast?" you finish. He nods, swallowing hard, and you laugh, the sound sending a shiver down his spine. “I think you forgot what I am, Hunter."

"Never," he whispers, his hands roaming up and down your thighs. He takes in the view, his eyes trailing over the length of your body, from the flush on your cheeks to the way your breasts sway with every breath, to the glistening wetness coating your thighs and the base of his cock. "You're incredible."

"Yeah?"

"Mmhm," he hums. His gaze drifts up, meeting yours, and he smiles, the sight of you making his heart swell. "You're perfect."

"I love you," you say, and Hunter can't help the warmth that spreads through him at the words. He's heard them a hundred times before, but each time, it still feels new. Like the first time.

"I love you, too," he replies. His fingers brush over your clit, gathering the wetness, and he slides his hand down, taking himself in his fist. "Ready?"

"Yes," you breathe.

You rise up onto your knees, placing a hand on his chest for balance, and Hunter guides himself to your entrance. His cock slides between your folds, the tip nudging at your entrance, and you both moan, the sound mixing together.

Hunter has to fight to keep his eyes open, to keep his hands steady. He wants to watch as you sink down on his cock, to see the pleasure wash over you as he fills you. He knows what it feels like, to be buried inside you, and it's always been intoxicating, but now? After everything that's happened, after the fear and the pain and the longing, to have you back in his arms?

It's beyond words. Beyond comprehension.

He doesn't deserve it. Doesn't deserve you.

But he'll never stop trying.

You let out a gasp as he pushes inside, his cock stretching and filling you, and Hunter has to grit his teeth, his hands tightening on your hips. The heat is incredible, the feeling of being buried deep inside, and he groans, the sound coming from deep within his chest.

"Fucking hell, sweetheart," he grunts. His eyes are locked on where the two of you are joined, watching as you slowly slide down the length of his cock. "You're so tight."

"It's been a while," you say, your breath coming in short pants. Your brow is furrowed, your teeth biting into your bottom lip, and Hunter has to bite back a groan.

"I know," he breathes. His hands caress your sides, his fingers skimming over the soft skin, and he feels your body relax. You're fully seated on his cock now, and Hunter can feel the way your cunt flutters around him, squeezing him tight. You tremble, and he reaches up, cupping your face.

"You alright?" he asks, stroking his thumb over your cheek. You nod, the corners of your mouth curling upwards.

"It's been a long time. Need a minute."

"Take all the time you need," he says.

"Thank you," you smile, turning your head to press a kiss to his palm.

You sit there, staring into his eyes, the two of you just existing. He doesn't mind it. Doesn't care about anything other than the feeling of being inside you. He can't believe he forgot what this was like, how perfect it is, how much he loves it. How much he loves you.

The urge to keep you here, to never let you go, to keep you safe and warm and loved and happy is overwhelming, and he can't help but reach out, his fingers tracing the curve of your jaw. He wonders if this is what it feels like to drown. If this is how people describe being swept away, pulled under the waves by the current, never to surface again.

He wonders if this is what they mean when they talk about being lost in someone.

Because he is. He's completely and utterly lost. Lost in you. Lost in the warmth of your gaze, the softness of your touch, the scent of your skin, the feeling of your body surrounding him, your heart beating in sync with his own.

He knows, in this moment, that he's not just in love with you. That he's not just madly infatuated with the woman in his arms. He's lost, and there's no coming back. He's yours. And he knows, without a shadow of a doubt, that you belong to him. That the two of you are bound together. That there's no one else for him. No one else he wants. Just you.

It's not the first time he's felt it, this overwhelming sense of love. But it's the first time it's hit him so hard. Maybe because it's the first time it's been this intense, this all-consuming. Maybe because it's the first time he's actually understood what it means. What it truly means.

Maybe because it's the first time he's truly believed it.

"Hunter?"

You're staring at him, concern etched across your features, and he realizes, with a start, that tears are rolling down his cheeks. He hadn't noticed.

"Sorry," he mutters, hastily wiping his face.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing," he says.

"Are you sure?" you ask. "Because I've never seen you cry before."

"I'm okay," he says, smiling softly. "I'm fine. Just... overwhelmed, I guess."

"You sure?"

"Yeah," he nods. He sits up, bracing his back against the headboard as his hands cup your cheeks. "I'm more than fine."

"Okay," you say, giving him a worried smile. His thumb smooths the crease between your brows, and he presses a gentle kiss in its place.

"I promise," he murmurs as he leans his forehead against yours. "I love you."

"Love you too," you whisper. You place a hand on his chest, just above his heart, and he wraps his arms around you, holding you close.

"I don't say it enough," he says, his voice hoarse. "But I mean it. Every time."

"I know," you assure him. You kiss his cheek, your lips trailing over the curve. "You don't have to say it. I know. I can feel it. I always have."

"Good," he sighs. His hands move up and down your back, the tips of his fingers gliding over your spine. "Never forget it."

"I won't," you promise.

He holds you there, your foreheads pressed together, your noses touching. He closes his eyes, inhaling deeply, letting the scent of you wash over him. It calms him, soothes him, and he feels his heart slow, his breathing evening out.

You shift, lifting your hips, and he gasps, the feeling of your cunt gripping his cock sending a jolt of pleasure through him. You smile, kissing the corner of his mouth.

"I'm okay," he whispers, his hands moving to grip your hips.

"Good," you say, your lips brushing over his. You start to move, rising up onto your knees before sinking back down. You both groan, the feeling of being joined sending a surge of warmth through him.

"Kriff," Hunter rasps as your hands find his shoulders, your fingers digging into the muscle, and you lift yourself up again, repeating the motion. His head falls back against the headboard with a dull thump, and you smile, your teeth scraping over the sensitive spot where his neck meets his shoulder.

"How's that feel?"

"So good," he breathes.

"Yeah?" you hum, rocking against him.

You're moving slowly, the pace torturous, and Hunter can't help but grind his hips upwards, trying to speed things along. You're having none of it, placing a hand on his chest, pushing him back against the bed.

"Slow," you order.

"Can't," he groans. His grip on your waist tightens, his fingers digging into the soft flesh, and he pulls you down, forcing himself deeper as his hips buck up into you.

"Why not?"

"Need more," he pants.

"Hmm," you murmur, nipping at his throat. "I thought we were going to take our time."

"Changed my mind."

"Too bad," you smirk.

Your lips find his, capturing him in a heated kiss, and Hunter moans, his mouth parting for you. Your tongue sweeps through his mouth, seeking his own, and he can't stop the desperate noise that escapes him as you taste him. He tries to move, to thrust up into you, but a weight presses down on him, holding him in place. He knows without looking that the Force is holding him down, keeping him still, and a thrill runs through him, the realization making him even harder.

"Fuck," he hisses.

"What was that?"

"Kriff, I hate when you do that," he mutters, glaring up at you.

"Do what?" you ask, feigning innocence.

"That." He jerks his chin towards the invisible pressure pinning him to the bed. "You know exactly what."

"No idea what you're talking about," you grin. You're still moving, the movement slow and steady, and Hunter lets out a low whine, his eyes slipping shut.

"You're insufferable," he huffs, his head falling back.

"I think you're the one being insufferable," you tease, placing a hand on his chest. You run your fingers through the coarse hair, dragging them down until they brush over the base of his cock. "If I recall, you were the one who said we should take our time."

"Well, maybe I was wrong."

"Oh, I don't know," you say, your fingers tracing the edge of his hip bone. "I think it's nice."

"It is," he concedes, hissing as you squeeze his balls. "But it's not enough."

"No?"

"No," he says, opening his eyes. He looks up at you, taking in the sight. Your skin is flushed, your lips swollen and parted, your eyes glassy and filled with desire. He swallows hard, his hands tightening on your hips. He knows there will be marks tomorrow, a reminder of what happened tonight, and the thought makes him twitch inside you.

"So impatient," you tut.

"Yeah," he agrees. "You're so kriffing gorgeous. And I want you so badly. Always. I can't get enough of you."

"Hunter," you gasp, grinding down on him.

"Yeah," he breathes, his eyes drifting down to where the two of you are joined. Your cunt is stretched tight around his cock, and Hunter lets out a moan, the sight making his mouth water. He's always loved watching you take his cock, loved the way it looked as it slid in and out of your wet heat, loved the way it felt, being inside you. But now, after everything? After almost losing you?

"Force, I can't get over how beautiful you are," he whispers.

You're moving faster now, his cock sliding in and out of you with ease, and the room fills with the sounds of skin slapping against skin and heavy breathing.

"Fuck," you cry out as he hits that spot deep inside, and Hunter lets out a grunt, his hands finding your breasts.

"There you go," he says. He palms the soft flesh, his fingers finding your nipples, and he pinches them, rolling the stiff buds between his thumb and forefinger.

"Oh," you moan, arching into his touch. "Oh, that feels good."

"Yeah?" he breathes.

"Yes," you nod, rocking against him. You're bouncing on his cock, the bed shaking with each thrust, and Hunter can't tear his eyes away. He's transfixed, unable to look anywhere else. You're a vision, sweat beading on your brow, your body trembling as the pleasure builds.

His hands find your ass, pulling you down onto his cock, and he can feel the muscles flexing beneath his fingertips. He can feel his climax approaching, his balls tightening, the pressure building. He's not ready for this to end, not yet, so he grits his teeth, biting the inside of his cheek.

"You gonna come for me, sweetheart?" he pants, his hands roaming over the curve of your ass, squeezing and groping.

"Mmhm," you nod. You're leaning forward now, your hands braced on his chest as you ride him. Your nails rake across his chest, leaving angry red lines in their wake, and his hips twitch, trying to thrust up into you. The weight keeps him in place, and he lets out a frustrated groan.

"That's it," he coos. He can feel the tension in your thighs, the way your legs are shaking, and he knows you're close. He grips your ass tighter, helping you keep pace, and you whimper, your movements becoming erratic.

"Please," you plead, and he can't deny you, not when you're begging.

His fingers find your clit, his thumb rubbing the swollen bundle of nerves. Your head falls forward, your hair falling over your face, and Hunter reaches up, brushing the strands aside.

"Come for me," he says, his voice hoarse. “Come for me, and then I’m gonna fill you up."

"Yes," you gasp.

"You wanna feel it, don't you?" he murmurs. He's barely holding on now, the heat pooling in his belly threatening to overwhelm him. "Want me to fill you up, mark you as mine. Make you mine."

"Yes, yes, yes," you chant, grinding against him. "More, please, please, please, I need—"

He flicks his thumb over your clit, pressing down hard. Your breath hitches, your walls fluttering around his cock, and Hunter watches, mesmerized, as you shudder above him. You're staring at him, your pupils blown wide, your hair a mess, your skin covered in a thin sheen of sweat, your mouth hanging open in a silent scream.

"There it is," he growls. The weight pressing down on him disappears, and he grabs your waist, flipping you over. Your back hits the mattress, your legs wrapped around his hips, and he pounds into you, chasing his own release.

"Yes," you cry out, wrapping your arms around his neck. Your mouth finds his, swallowing his moans, as his cock pistons in and out of your dripping cunt.

He fucks you, hard and fast, the bed creaking underneath the two of you. You're clinging to him, your nails scratching his back, and he knows there will be marks, knows that he's probably hurting you, but he can't stop, can't slow down. He's so close, the pressure building, the pleasure coiling deep inside, and he's desperate for it, his thrusts becoming frantic.

"Gonna fill you up," he gasps.

"Please," you beg, and that's all it takes.

His orgasm hits him hard, and he cries out, his hips jerking erratically as he spills inside you. He buries his face in your neck, biting and sucking, and you whimper, your legs tightening around his waist.

"Fuck, yes," you groan, and Hunter can feel the warmth of his spend leaking out of you, the mess coating his cock, dripping down his thighs. It's intoxicating, and he can't stop himself from thrusting deeper, trying to make sure every drop is buried inside you.

"Oh, Hunter," you moan. Your hands are on his ass, pulling him closer, urging him on. He grinds his hips against you, and you sigh, a lazy smile spreading across your lips.

"Good?" he asks, pressing a soft kiss to your cheek.

"Perfect," you whisper. You cup his face, and he leans into the touch, his eyelids fluttering as he savors the feeling.

He doesn't want to move, doesn't want to let go. He's perfectly content to stay like this, holding you, his cock buried deep inside you, your hands stroking his face. You're watching him, your eyes roaming over his body, and he preens under the attention, a soft smile tugging at the corner of his mouth.

"Well," he huffs, "I hope that was worth the wait."

"It was," you nod. You pull him closer, his head resting on your chest, and he lets out a sigh, his body relaxing.

"You alright?" he murmurs, pressing a kiss to the swell of your breast.

"Mmhm," you nod. Your hands are tracing patterns over his skin, fingers trailing across his back, and he can't help but shiver, goosebumps erupting in their wake.

"I'm not too heavy?"

"Not at all," you say. Your fingers move up, combing through his hair, and Hunter practically purrs, a low rumble rising from his chest.

"Good," he sighs. He tilts his head, his nose brushing against the hollow of your throat, and he inhales deeply, the scent of your arousal still thick in the air. He can feel the heat radiating off your body, and he shivers, the sensation sending a tingle down his spine.

"Hey," you murmur, and he hums in response. He shifts his weight, settling his elbows on either side of your head, and kisses your cheek.

"Hi," he whispers, his breath ghosting across your skin. He leans forward, brushing his lips against yours. You return the kiss eagerly, a soft moan escaping you. You wrap your arms around his neck, pulling him closer, and he goes willingly, his hips grinding against you.

"Mm, again?" you giggle, your teeth scraping over his bottom lip.

"If you're up for it," he says, grinning.

"I'm always up for it," you smirk. You roll your hips, your legs wrapping around his waist. He's still half-hard, his cock slowly swelling, and he can't stop the groan that rumbles in his chest.

"Good." Hunter grins, capturing your mouth in another searing kiss. "Because I'm nowhere near done with you."

"Well, we've got plenty of time," you breathe.

"Plenty," he echoes, his hands finding your hips. "Let's make the most of it, then."

And he does.

He spends the rest of the night worshiping you, his mouth and hands mapping every inch of your skin. He leaves no part of you untouched, his lips and tongue and fingers exploring every inch, and you do the same. The two of you take turns, exploring and teasing, pleasuring and loving, until you're both too exhausted to continue.

Afterwards, you lie together, his arm draped over your waist, his nose buried in the crook of your neck. Hunter inhales deeply, the familiar scent filling his nostrils, and he lets out a content sigh. He can feel the ache in his limbs, and he's suddenly aware of how tired he is. He doesn't remember the last time he slept, and he can't even recall the last time he was able to relax. It feels like forever since he's felt this good, this safe.

This happy.

"I love you,” you murmur as you press a kiss to the top of his head.

"I love you, too," he whispers, his voice thick.

"I know," you chuckle, and he smiles against your neck.

You're both still breathing hard, chests heaving, bodies sticky with sweat, and he revels in the feeling, his arms tightening around you. He can't stop himself from kissing you, peppering your neck with gentle kisses, his lips ghosting over the delicate skin.

He makes his way up to your jaw, then your cheek, before finally meeting your mouth. It's slow, tender, filled with a sense of intimacy he hasn't felt in a long time, and it's enough to make him tear up. His hand cradles your cheek, his thumb stroking the skin, and he closes his eyes, savoring the moment.

He never thought he'd have this. Never thought he'd get a chance.

And now that he does? Now that he's got you here, in his arms, where he's meant to be?

"I'm not letting you go again," he mumbles, his forehead pressed against yours. "I don't care what it takes, I'm not letting anyone or anything take you from me."

"Hunter," you start, but he cuts you off.

"I know. I know, you can handle yourself, you're more than capable. I know all that. But I'm still going to be there. I'm always going to be there."

"I know," you say, your hand cupping his cheek.

"Do you?"

His eyes search yours, searching for any hint of hesitation, any sign of doubt. He finds none. Just warmth. Just love.

"Yes," you whisper.

"Good," he nods. He pulls back, just enough to look into your eyes. He doesn't think he'll ever get tired of seeing you like this, bare and vulnerable, looking at him like that. Like he's the only person who matters.

"I meant what I said earlier," he says. "About wanting a family. A future."

"Me too," you smile.

"Really?"

"Yes," you nod, placing a hand on his chest. Your fingertips trace over the curve of his collarbone, and he shivers. "I want that with you. I always have."

"Even after everything?"

"Especially after everything," you assure him. "I've always wanted a future with you, Hunter. Ever since we met. I know you're scared. I am too. But I love you, and I want this. Us. All of it."

"Okay," he says, smiling.

"Okay," you repeat, returning the smile.

He pulls you into another kiss, his hand cradling the back of your neck, and the two of you stay like that, kissing and touching and loving, until exhaustion takes over. You curl up against him, your head on his chest, his arms wrapped around you, and he feels his eyes begin to droop. He can't remember the last time he was this relaxed, the last time he was this comfortable. The last time he felt so safe. So loved.

And for the first time in a long time, Hunter doesn't worry. He doesn't stress. He doesn't plan.

Instead, he closes his eyes, a smile tugging at his lips, and he lets the world fade away.

Taglist: @baddest-batchers @covert1ntrovert @stellarbit @bruh-myguy-what @qvnthesia

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@marchingviolinist @deerspringdreams

[rawliverandcigarettes]

The Last Halfway There (probably)

So. Here we are.

This is probably one of the last posts on Halfway Home’s writing process before I actually release the beast.

I have spent the last month working on two things simultaneously: finishing up Halfway Home and locking most of the text, and reaching 100k words in The Empire of Preys.

Halfway Home

I’m going to begin this piece on Halfway Home, as I am passing through the tipping point: the text I have on my computer right now is probably 99,5% of what will be posted on the internet for all of you to read. It’s a wild feeling, one that makes me double-guess basically every single choice I made, because of course!!!

Rereading the whole thing (AGAIN, I am honestly getting a little sick of it) has brought back a lot of feelings. The story has accompanied me during very different times in my life: some happy, some very... precarious, let’s say. The interesting thing about it all is that it truly, absolutely feels like the story of my earlier twenties; the story feels young to me, in its themes and what it is concerned about, in a way that I still relate to but no longer fully align with. Which is fine! I always knew Halfway Home would probably be a great testimony to how my mind was structuring itself during the heart of my youth, and I still think it’s a worthwhile tale of self-definition, and a good reference point to the sort of human being I was, back then (and what it feels like to be broke and young and super vulnerable –which tends to get hazy once you get more financial security and the “please go ahead and project whatever bullshit you feel like onto me (I can’t really fight back anyway)” sign around your neck gets a little faded by time, and I did not want to forget).

I do not think it is a perfect story by any means, but it has reached a point where it’s as good as it could be. I do see, as the author, the staples holding together many, many, MANY versions of the same event mushed together in one final take, but I think any more adjustment would make the story reek of being overworked at this point –even beyond my own perception, which is obviously quite biased. I still made some final adjustments to certain scenes (I knoooow I’m stopping now it’s over I’ll never rework scenes again I *promise*), and I’m glad I did, as these were scenes that were technically functional but did not ring as true as other, similar scenes in the story, and verged slightly towards caricature. Given I feel like I did a fairly good job with the most difficult scenes and I don’t think they read as exploitative –I mean you tell me, but I feel fairly confident in their necessity after my almost-final reread (which wooo! I have tortured myself over the legitimacy of these scenes SO MUCH, like I had actual nightmares about them being torn apart by close friends for being trauma-porn garbage; so I feel very relieved to believe I can actually stand by them without shame, and think they are doing exactly what I wanted them to do and are both necessary and truthful)– it would have been sad to leave in just the one out of sheer laziness.

But beyond all of these feelings and accepting the story’s flaws for being what it is, aka years upon years of work and rework of my very first novel-length story written in English whose first draft I completed in December of 2 0 1 7 h o w, I still love this story and the characters so much. Even if I think some chapters are weaker than others, there are some I am so enamored with and I’m so glad to have written them. It feels good to reread your work and some of the sentences, succession of events or feelings expressed, and go fuck yes me.

Even beyond all that, I’m honestly very proud of myself for having stuck to the grind for so long; for having refused to settle for the first versions and pushed myself to get as far as I could without professional help. Honestly, it’s been hard sometimes. Working for so very long on the same project can feel quite isolating; not to mention that it demands sacrifices, especially in regards to your time. There’s a lot of things I have simply not done –either games to play, other projects to work on, or even hmmm taking care of my health or my sleeping habits– just because I was busying myself so much with the space frogs. And a lot of this work will be completely and utterly invisible in the end! But it’s totally fine. I know what went into this story, the buckwild amount of progress I have made on all aspects of my craft, and I love all these characters deeply and tenderly, which is it’s own reward.

I am like 97% done with the story (I actually am near that, I have an Excel sheet calculating my overall progress and everything –you are a game designer or you are not, what can I say); there is still some feedback I have to implement, thanks to my delightful beta-readers. Speaking of said beta-readers, I am sincerely humbled and deeply appreciative of the quality of feedback I received on my latest versions. It really helped me identify the points of contention I still have with the English language and push myself further where I was still a little slack –all the while helping me identify what was really important for me and my writing style, and what was stylistic fluff that didn’t contribute much (though I was deeply sorry to report I am going to insist and double-down on my bullshit on some aspects that got flagged, and live with the consequences :/).

But beyond that, I have some plot points to tie with The Empire of Preys, and some last-minute decisions to take on things I have left to the side (like some characters’ military ranks as this is so my favorite thing to figure out, the exact timeline of some backstory events, etc...), which really shouldn’t take more than a couple of days.

Then it’s all locked, and (mostly) ready for release! I just have some key art to touch up, and then… Then the release will actually happen.

I do not know how I will handle that reality, to be honest.

I will still have some stuff to handle, on-top of said reality: the release schedule, every announcement post, and I plan to work on a physical copy to justify the last almost-decade of work and have something nice on my shelf! But let’s not get ahead of ourselves on this front (because I will absolutely talk about this again in the future)...

The Empire of Preys

Thankfully for me, I will also not be completely stranded with nothing to work on after November, because: The Empire of Preys is well underway (The Empire of Preys being the sequel-prequel to Halfway Home, and the second tome in the series).

And honestly? It’s probably the best thing I’ve ever written.

Now, I fully realize there is such a thing as the honeymoon effect with a new(-ish) project, and it’s generally expected to inflate the actual quality of the work in relation the feelings of elation associated with it. But I am over 100k words in by this point, and I am still so bewildered with just how well everything is clicking together.

The thing is: it’s not coming from nowhere. Most of the time spent working on Halfway Home was time indirectly spent working on TEoP, as TEoP functions as the backstory and the crux of the plot, the mystery hanging in the background. But still! This is a *complicated* story, much, much more complicated than Halfway Home ever was (at least on the surface). And the pieces just fit together so well? Character arcs unfold with much more delicacy and complexity than I dared hoping for; the plot seems to make sense? Maybe? And there is a lot of energy on the page. It’s fun! We’re having fun!

I am not saying this is a perfect first draft by any means: I’m already identifying points that need to be smoothed up, question marks I left for myself to solve in the future, and I will have a shit ton of work making sure each narrative voice is distinct from the other while still being stylistically interesting (right now I am a little too forward and dry for my taste). But! I think I managed to recontextualize characters from Halfway Home without contradicting who they are presented as (I am *so curious* to have the reactions to some character heelturns, especially to those who are the most heavily judged by readers in Halfway Home overall, and end up being some of the most emotionally complex characters in The Empire of Preys –one of them in particular even surprised me).

When I mentioned earlier that Halfway Home feels like the work of my early twenties, The Empire of Preys feels (for understandable reasons) very relevant to who I am right now, and what I’m interested in –or tormented by, alternatively. While I will regularly whine that Halfway Home is political in an intimate way –and I believe that it is– The Empire of Preys is political.

What I mean by that is: it’s proposing ideas, defending ideas, and putting them to the test. The point of view characters are educated and savvy enough to develop philosophical perspectives on social organization, economical disparity, internal and external competition over power. This story is, very explicitly, about modern empires; more specifically about the cost of maintaining them.

To express just how awfully political it all is (beyond the plot on the financial crisis –which I am so dang happy about, I think it makes sense and says interesting things!!!): there is an entire chapter about a debate between candidates campaigning to win an election. It’s that kind of story.

There are a couple of challenges that come with this format: beyond the difficulty in making it thrilling and interesting for a reader that isn’t me, I need to make sense! When my characters begin to spew huge monologues on the nature of monetary value, or legacy, or the line between cooperation and assimilation, they need to be internally consistent –at least enough to convince the characters that are spewing them. So I need to think very hard about the characters’ philosophy; I need to actually devise what the electoral program of candidate X would involve in a concrete way, and I need to invent problems that can never truly be solved, or with complicated and imperfect solutions –all the while making them specific to how these alien societies would work.

In a related vein, one of my biggest hurdles right now comes with writing PoV characters with very drastically different political views to mine. The main cast of this story shares very different opinions, all of them more or less developed depending on their level of education and active interest in whatever is going on within the galaxy at that moment in time –and some can be difficult to map on the classic left/right spectrum, as the problems of these societies are not always equivalent to ours. I have also developed a philosophy as I wrote this project: I don’t want to write characters I believe to be wrong and/or actively dangerous with condescension. I don’t want the story to mock them, or have the world twist around them to make them sound wrong, ridiculous, or stupid. I want to take them at face value, and see where their ideas lead with as little judgment as I can manage. And it’s hard.

The character that is giving me the most trouble by far (it’s a little spoiler but an acceptable one I think) is dalatrass Linron. I expected to have fun writing her because she is so despicable in so many ways, and a completely dysfunctional mess on a personal level too; but the truth is, I might have made her too mean and dumb in my outline, which felt prescriptive and authorial in a bad way when I tried putting these ideas to the page. So now, I’m trying to compensate this first instinct within the text itself –making her narrative voice the most difficult to get right, by a long mile.

I think this story is challenging in the sense that it’s challenging me: how I think about the world, my biases on that fictional universe, but also the real one. I am not trying to be objective, as I do not believe in the concept of objectivity in fiction, but I am trying to be perceptive. While I am not going to shy away from my own beliefs and how I decide to identify the scourge of that fictional world, I don’t want this story to feel like a morality tale. It’s a complicated balance, and an extremely ambitious story on that front (and to be honest, on every front).

But I think I am doing fairly well for a first draft, and especially the first draft of this particular story (even if there still are way too many salarian characters, and I don’t know who to cut without breaking my story).

I am not writing linearly, so the chapters I have completed do not follow each other, and I have huge blocks of text of unfinished chapters hanging around –but to simplify, I have ten chapters completed at this point, and around five more who are fairly advanced. It’s going really well! I have scary chapters coming up (one of them is a heist, I have zero idea how to write that –and there is a romantic subplot that equally terrifies me), but while I don’t know if I’ll be able to accomplish my goal of having the first draft completed by the end of 2022, I think I’ll still be at least three quarters down if life doesn’t decide otherwise.

Conclusion

So yay! Here’s where I’m at, during the last moments of summer of 2022.

Expect way more posts from this blog until the end of the year (especially on thursdays); and then some more as Halfway Home gets released one chapter at a time. I still need to confirm everything will be ready by then, so I will reveal the exact release date later in October –giving myself as many exit plans as I can in case I have a last minute panic moment and realize I said something blatantly wrong that I actually totally disagree with and will keep me up at night for the rest of my life if I don’t fix it before release (GOD I HOPE NOT).

Until then, I salute you and wish you the best of days.

[blkgojo]

Game On | Chapter 1

Valkyrie x Reader x Carol Danvers

In which, drunk!you thinks sending nudes to the King of Asgard and the most powerful Avenger... is a good idea.

Warnings: None

Here's the thing. Sending Valkyrie your nudes was an accident. Legally speaking, the nudes were meant for Carol. If you wanted to get even more technical, you weren't even supposed to text either one of them unless there was an emergency. You hadn't realized it at first. You curled up next to your cat, practically smug with your boldness. What better way to show you're available, you thought. You had checked your phone again to revel in it only to see the photo had not only been sent to Carol. It was there, right under Valkyrie's name. Wish you were here x.

You were well and truly fucked.

Working as a S.W.O.R.D agent meant few privileges. One of those privileges you had abused. Greatly. You had sent lewd photos to not only an Avenger, but the King of Asgard. Strong 10000 year old alcohol be damned, Fury wouldn't accept that as an excuse.

"You gonna tell me what's up or we just gonna sit here?" Darcy asked. Your roommate munched absentmindedly on a piece of chocolate. She was blessed enough to not have drank the ale. The buzz of it still causing your world to sway even as you began to sober up.

"I sent nudes to someone,” you whined.

She smiled. Patted your thigh. “That's okay, Y/N. We all send nudes sometimes."

“No you don’t get it. I sent them to the Asgardian king.”

“Thor has a phone?”

“No. Valkyrie.”

You can see she's trying her best not to laugh.

“It’s not funny.”

“You’re gonna start an intergalactic war.”

“Fuck off.”

“Fury’s gonna be pissed.”

“Don’t tell him!” Your words dissolved into drunken hiccups. You sloppily tried to take another sip of the ale, but Darcy snatched it. You frowned. “Do you… do you think she read it?”

“She doesn’t have read receipts? An IPhone?”

“No, I think she has an Android.”

Darcy  quietly tittered, mulling the information over. “Who did you even mean to send nudes to?”

"Don't freak out.”

“Y/N.”

“Say you won’t freak out.”

“Just tell me!”

“Darcy!”

“Spit it out!”

“Captain Marvel,” you hesitantly answered. 

Darcy shrugged. “Well, at least you didn’t send it to her, too.”

“No I did.”

One.

Two.

She laughed. "I'm sorry," she said between breathes. "I'm sorry. This is just... you're fucked."

To her credit, she tried to stop laughing. It doesn't work, but she tried. A few minutes past before she finally can speak again - tears having long since stained her face. She wiped them and took a deep breathe.

"You could just text them something like, 'Oh my god. I'm so sorry. This wasn't meant for you," she offered.

"I could." You nodded. "Yeah. Yeah, I could do that."

You picked up your phone, ready to send another message. In your hands, it vibrated.

​---

Carol hated texting. Sometimes, she thought maybe that was why her and Thor were so close. She was traveling the galaxy. He was traveling the galaxy. She hated texting. He didn’t have a phone. She preferred communication the old fashion way like through hologram or sheer word of mouth.

She checked her phone as soon as she received the message and now it was waiting on the countertop of the bar face down.

“If someone sent me a picture, I would’ve been all over that,” Rocket burped.

“That’s not what she needs to hear right now, Rocket,” Thor turned to her. “So what are we doing here? Are you going to respond or…”

“I responded,” she said. And she had.

She said word for word, ‘Oh is this an emergency?’

You had sent the photos when she was on some off time with Thor. They all had just gotten back from a mission liberating refugees from a wannabe empire. She had been ready to dash back to Earth when she saw your name light up her phone screen. When she opened the message… completely different story.

Thor scrunched up his nose and shrugged.

“What?” asked Carol.

“If I sent promiscuous photos to a potential love interest, I would want a bit more…” He gestured to the air.

Carol scrunched her brows. “You would want what?”

“I don’t know. Romance?”

Rocket slammed his beer on the table. “Send them a tongue emoji.”

“I don’t like texting. Why couldn’t they just,” she threw up her hands. “I don’t know. Send a hologram.”

“Look. Forget everything else. Do you wanna get laid or not?” demanded Rocket.

Carol cocked her head to the side and begrudgingly nodded. “Then stop dicking around. It’s annoying. Some of us haven’t got laid in years and you’re over here squandering your opportunities.”

“So what? I travel a billion light years away for sex?”

Before Thor can interject, Rocket growled. “You can breathe in space. Going to Earth for you is like me or Thor here going to the bathroom.”

Carol sighed. “The raccoon has a point.”

“Fuck you.”

----

“C’mon Valkyrie. Just once.”

“I will not play Fortnite with you.”

Korg frowned or she assumed he did. It was always hard to tell. “But-”

“No.”

Her phone had long since vibrated in her pocket. A fact that she had chosen to ignore. The Midgardians seemed to always have issues. Even on Sundays which were supposed to be her self-care days. She picked it up, ready to see some frantic message about one crisis or another. The sky is falling. Nuclear weapons. Blah blah blah.

“Oh.” She nearly dropped it.

“What is it?” Korg peered over her shoulder. “It seems like someone sent you a gift.”

There were two photos with the caption ‘wish you were here x’. It was simple enough. Valkyrie tried to remember the last conversation she had with you. Had you been flirting? It was last Tuesday when she had been discussing global affairs with the other world leaders. You had been there, but in between all of the political nonsense, it was hard to figure it all out.

Korg was still peering over her shoulder. Valkyrie quirked her brow at him.

“Sorry.” He went back to his game. “Are you going to respond to Y/N? I like them. Gave me some good rocks once.”

“Rocks?”

“Yeah, I think they thought I eat them. Not their fault. My mum’s boyfriend used to think the same thing. I use them to decorate me flower garden, though.”

Valkyrie nodded and took a sip of her beer. “Should I respond?”

“You should do what your heart tells you.” He sighed. “Sorry. I’ve been watching a lot of them Disney movies. Have you seen the one with the girl on the islands?”

“No, I don’t think I’ve seen that one.”

“It’s good. She sings.”

Valkyrie took another swig of her beer, typing out a response to your photos.

‘This is way better than what I was expecting.’ And waited.

----

"She's annoying."

"I mean, she is right."

"Seriously?"

"What?" Darcy hesitantly took a sip of Thor's alcohol. "I think it's a valid question. Is it an emergency?"

"It is," you half-questioned.

"Is it?"

"It is," you said with more force.

"Then, say that," Darcy took another sip. "This shit really hits you. I get why..." She burped.

Right after you hit send, another message came through. Valkyrie.

"Well," you begin. "Valkyrie appreciated it."

"Of course she did." When you stared at her, Darcy shrugged. "She seems like really chill. Stared at your ass in one of our meetings."

"She did? When?"

"I don't know. It was like, so far ago."

"She said it was way better than what she was expecting."

"So, she wants you."

"Yeah," you said slowly. The King of Asgard wanted you. Wanted more of you. You reread the message. "I'm gonna flirt back."

Darcy nodded, taking another small sip of the ale.

I guess I should've done this sooner, you texted back.

Her response was immediate.  We’ll have to make up for lost time.

"Valkyrie's so hot," you whispered.

Just then, Carol responded. And what would you like me to do about this emergency?

You walked over to the counter and grabbed the bottle, taking a tiny sip of the alcohol. Just enough to give you a boost of confidence. You spared a glance at your friend. Her alcohol tolerance was higher than yours and yet, her cheeks were already pink. She nodded at the bottle, her eyebrows raised slightly.

"You look ah, flustered."

"You look drunk."

She held one finger up, wobbly walked herself to the couch. "Touche."

There was no reason you couldn't have fun, right? They didn't know that you had texted them both. No one knew save for Darcy and she could keep a secret. You could have fun with this. They both wanted you - honestly, you should take advantage of this opportunity. What was that phrase people loved saying? Live life or whatever the fuck.

"Yeah," Darcy cheered.

You hadn't realized you'd been talking out loud.

To Valkyrie, you send: When can we get started?

You took a deep breathe before texting Carol. Your fingers hovered over the send button for minutes longer than necessary.

I'd like you to fuck me, you sent back.

Game on.

[arlingtonpark]

SNK 139 Review Part I: On Eren Jeager and Genocide

Why?

Why is this happening?

Folks, I’m going to be honest here: there are no words for this. The main thrust of this chapter is completely inexplicable. It’s stupid. It’s ill conceived. FML.

Just…just the term itself is laughable.

Eren redemption arc.

Sksksksksksksksksksksk

After everything he’s done, everyone he’s killed, you’re going to try redeeming Eren in the final chapter?

Eren didn’t need to be redeemed. He was a bullheaded kid who didn’t let anyone stop him from doing what he thought needed to be done. He sees the titans outside the walls as enemies to be exterminated. When he learns that his real enemies are other humans, who have a right to freedom as much as he does, he can’t accept it and decides to just exterminate them too. That mindset led him down a tragic path of genocide.

That’s not a bad character arc!

In fact, I’d say it’s very compelling. Nonconformity and obstinance are often presented as virtues; flipping that paradigm on its head and showing the vices of those virtues was legitimately smart and provocative.

Making people rethink what traits are virtues and vices is a great moral to the story, and it paired well with the other moral of cooperation and loving your fellow people.

Then this chapter came out, and they threw all that away.

Eren’s arc once made me think of Aristotle, who argued that true virtue lied between extremes: neither too submissive nor too rebellious.

Now Eren’s arc makes me think of pseudointellectual 4chan philosophy, and dumb teenagers: “He’s not a bad guy, he’s just human!!!”

Eren’s motivations are a mess now. He had no free will, but he also had a plan, but deep down he wanted to do the rumbling no matter what, but actually he really wanted to be with Mikasa.

Oh, and B T dubs, he killed his mom too.

You can tell Isayama is desperate to make Eren as sympathetic as possible to justify making him the anti-hero because he’s throwing everything he can pull out of his ass at Eren.

Really, though, all he ended up doing was smearing shit on the character.

Eren’s plan was to kill a significant part of the human population so the world wouldn’t be as overwhelming a threat as before. Simultaneously, he planned (“planned”) for the alliance to become vaunted heroes to the world when they killed him, thus paving the way to peace.

This…makes no sense?

There is no reason Eren should have believed this would work. During the battle of Trost, Pixis asked him if humanity could unite if threatened by a common enemy. Eren said no.

Eren is a pessimist about people. He sees how much the walldians fought with each other and concluded that people would always be at odds.

And the Tybur family helped defeat the Eldian Empire, but only the Tyburs were seen as heroes by the Marleyans. That good will was not imputed from the Tyburs to the other Eldians on the continent. There’s no reason to think that would happen here when it didn’t back then.

I’m assuming, anyway, that the alliance becoming heroes is supposed to lead to a world where Paradis is safe since that’s supposed to be Eren’s goal.

I’m willing to grant that maybe this part of Eren’s plan was more of a hope on his part. Peace would come only after his death, so he can’t truly “plan” for anything afterwards.

I think it’s safe to say that killing the world’s population was the main part of his plan, since that’s the part he had the most control over.

To the extent he had any control over his actions, which brings me to the next point.

So, turns out Eren had no free will.

Can you not feel Isayama’s desperation?

After all the awful things Eren’s done, Isayama’s brilliant idea to make him sympathetic is to strip him of all agency.

This is done by two routes throughout the chapter.

The first is by building him up as a victim. Eren’s mind is fucked; he can’t really control himself. Any decent person would feel pity for him, which is reinforced by the sorrow Armin visibly feels for him.

Then, like a shotgun blast to the face, we are told that Eren killed his mother in a moment that is clearly supposed to endear us to him.

This is such a transparent appeal for our sympathy. Isayama’s desperation leaps off the page and mugs us of it.

The only thing that this revelation adds to the story is that it gives Armin a reason to take up Eren’s hand, and show him support. You can see Armin’s heart breaking for Eren in that moment.

That’s mostly why this is here: to give the mass murderer a hard luck story so our hearts melt for him.

The second route is that depriving Eren of agency absolves him of blame for what he did.

Eren beat Armin bloody, but you can’t really blame him for it. He was drugged out on the Founding Titan and didn’t want to do it. He was acting on impulse, just going with the flow, so he deserves, at the very least, some leniency.

Eren both having a plan and not having much in the way of free will is contradictory. Everyone still talks about Eren as if he’s someone who is doing stuff even though we’re told he’s not really capable of rational decision making.

I’m going to be nice and assume Isayama’s intent is that when you parse this all out, you end up in a place where Eren is not truly responsible for what he did, and in any event this all ended with the titan curse broken and the world at peace, sooooo break out the champagne everyone, we achieved world peace!

…

Yeah, bub, I’m not partying right now.

Isayama’s ploy to absolve Eren of blame didn’t work. Eren is still responsible for the people he killed and his Founding Titan lobotomy counts for shit. Turns out it helps to know how free will works when you’re writing about free will.

Free will is the quality of being in control of your actions, at least to the extent necessary to be held responsible for them.

Eren was just going with the flow (wonder what Annie thought of that…), acting on impulse, and getting dragged along by fate, but that’s not actually important.

It’s been known for centuries that current events are caused by previous events and that the current events will bring about future events in a never ending chain of cause and effect. One domino causes another to fall causes another to fall and on and on. This is called determinism.

And that’s ok because we free will exists. It exists even if we can’t do anything other than what we are going to do. It exists in spite of, or even arises out of, determinism.

This premise, that free will and determinism are not mutually exclusive, is the foundation for a family of theories about free will called compatibilism.

Compatibilist free will is the most popular theory of free will. There are a couple of variations on the basic idea, but the gist is that free will exists when your actions can be linked to an aspect of yourself that you identify with.

For example, if you had no choice but to do something, but you’re ok with that because it’s what you wanted anyway, then you have free will.

Even if I didn’t know you’d stop me in the end, I think I still would have flattened this world. 

-Eren Jeager

That’s all I needed to hear.

EREN, FUCK YOU!!!!

Eren had free will, at least as much as necessary to blame him for his genocide.

Isayama threw this curveball at us and all it did was ruin Eren as a character while leaving him just as repugnant as before. Incredible. It’s the worst of both worlds.

Before this chapter Eren was a guy who believed in something and followed that belief no matter who got in his way. That was great! It was tragic and sad, but great storytelling.

Where does this chapter leave us?

What we learn in this chapter is that Eren didn’t really believe in anything. He may have free will enough to be a shithead for what he did, but that doesn’t mean he has free will enough to be an interesting character.

Eren coming to grips with him not being free, in an absolute sense, would have been so much more interesting than what we got. Eren started the series comparing humanity to cattle in a pen. He ends the series being literally sheparded by fate to his death like cattle to a slaughterhouse.

And yet we get no exploration of that at all.

It’s lame. Everything about this is lame. From a storytelling perspective, Eren was just along for the ride. Who would want to reread this series now? A story about a boy who’s quest for freedom neither ends tragically nor happily, but is just forgotten about by the end. What’s the point?

There is none.

Eren’s journey ends up lost in the author’s own ignorance of the very thing this is supposed to be about.

Unfortunately, SNK isn’t interested in 80% of the world being dead. If it were, Eren wouldn’t have gotten such a warm send off.

I was honestly shocked when I read this chapter.

I thought it had been made clear. SNK had come firmly down against genocide. I never imagined Isayama would try a 180 in the final chapter.

And, well, he did, and here we are.

SNK is pro-genocide.

To wit:

Once Eren’s abominable plan is explained to everyone, he is lavished with love and comfort by his friends.

Armin did punch Eren for being callous about Mikasa, but overall all Armin had nothing but sympathy and understanding for Eren. They held hands and hugged and gave Eren a tender farewell.

All they talk about is how great a sacrifice Eren is making.

Not the sacrifice of 80% of all people, but the sacrifice that Eren personally is making of himself.

I don’t know what deranged mindset Isayama has that made him think this was sensible, but no, Eren is not sacrificing anything. He was always going to die. We’ve known this for several dozen chapters. It’s not a sacrifice to befall the fate you were always going to suffer.

He lost nothing. If anything, he gained from this ending.

Eren died knowing he was loved and appreciated by his friends. What more could a dying man ask for?

Eren is rewarded by the story for killing 80% of humanity.

His ultimate fate was no worse than was expected even before he committed the genocide, and he went out in the knowledge that his friends loved him for it.

It doesn’t even make logical sense that his friends would be so receptive to what he did.

There is no difference between Eren’s plan and what we thought Eren’s plan was before this chapter came out.

Armin thought Eren’s plan was to murder humanity to ensure his safety, and Armin was appalled. Armin was willing to sacrifice his life to ensure Eren failed. He was truly acting for the greater good of humanity.

In this chapter, Armin learns that Eren’s plan is actually to murder most of humanity to ensure his safety, and Armin loves him.

Again, hand holding, hugging, “thank you.” No mention of the unfathomable harm caused. The 80% killed are not even a footnote in this chapter.

Even after the fact, Eren’s friends showed no qualms with Eren essentially winning and procuring their safety through genocide.

When previously the mere thought of that was what motivated them to lay down their lives to stop him.

I don’t think Isayama believes this genocide is supposed to bear on how we think of Eren. I say, having just read the chapter that’s all about Eren, in which his genocide doesn’t bear on how his friends think of him. At all.

Was that too great a leap in logic? I apologize if my rationality offends you.

Eren may have died, but he won in the end.

His friends are safe and the world looks set to conclude a peace treaty with Paradis.

I don’t buy for a second that the world is a threat to Paradis anymore, and I don’t buy for a second that there won’t be a peace shortly after the end of the story.

It’s very telling, to me, that it’s the world that’s come to grovel at Paradis’ feet, begging for peace, when previously it was the other way around.

The contours of this “peace,” if you can call it that, were made pretty clear in the epilogue. The world is in ruins while Paradis is stronger than ever, so the world sues for peace for fear of Paradis attacking further. 

This is the moral of the story. Frankly, it’s been staring at us in the face the whole time.

How do you end the cycle of violence?

The answer is to win. To be stronger. More determined.

The only peace is enforced peace through domination.

Peace through the barrel of a gun.

To be continued in part II (and possibly part III)

[rsadelle]

The best books I read in 2021

I read 240 books in 2021, which is not quite one and a half times as many as I read last year. I managed to read so much because I'm a fast reader, I gave up on doing anything but read this year, I read a lot of fast-read romance novels, and I read significantly less fan fiction than usual. Only ten of those are books I reread (two of them for book club reasons), which continues the trend of the last few years of reading more new books. The large number of books I read this year again made it difficult to narrow down a small number of the best ones, which is why this is a long list. I've provided content notes where I remember them; as always, feel free to comment or message/email me if you want more information. This is long enough that I have put it behind a cut to spare your dash.

Top 10 fiction books/series I read for the first time in 2021

Note: I made a choice to take a handful of things I greatly enjoyed out of this list because they were written by people in the later section of authors I read most, so you can look there for more recommendations of things I particularly loved.

The Last Thing He Told Me by Laura Dave - I found this in a thriller/suspense category of the library's ebook selection, but I would call it more of a family mystery/drama. I thought it was really well written, and it has one of the best last lines I've ever read in a book, in that it's an understated line that also sums up the entire theme of the book.

The Space Between Worlds by Micaiah Johnson - You can travel to any of the parallel worlds close enough to reach only if your counterpart there is already dead. Cara can travel to all but eight. This was a fascinating premise and a good story, and the only thing I was disappointed about was that I read it on my own because it would have made for some really interesting discussion with my sci fi book club.

Winter's Orbit by Everina Maxwell - Super tropey and super enjoyable m/m space romance. It does a particularly good job with having the key relationship conflict be well done/non-annoying miscommunication where both of them think in truly good faith that they are communicating and understanding clearly. In terms of the non-romance elements of the plot, the if you like you'll likes for this are Katherine Addison's The Goblin Emperor and Arkady Martine's A Memory Called Empire. Content notes from the author.

The Starless Sea by Erin Morgenstern - This is such a good fairy tale-ish book about the nature of stories. Last year a friend said it paired well with The Ten Thousand Doors of January, which my book club read last year, and it was interesting to think about that as I read it. This was a fairly polarizing book for my sci fi/fantasy book club - people either really liked it or really didn't.

Captive Prince trilogy (Captive Prince, Prince's Gambit, and Kings Rising) by C. S. Pacat - This is an amazing slow burn enemies to lovers m/m romance trilogy set in an Ancient Greece-ish world. (While not an entirely accurate comparison, think Queen's Thief but make it gay.) There were something like six places where I thought, "This is where they have sex, right?" before they finally did, and I deeply enjoyed the slow burn of it all. The writing is excellent, and the friend who recommended it to me and I had an entire phone conversation where we just exclaimed back and forth about our favorite parts. Content notes: Ancient Greece-style slavery, consent issues, war-related violence, explicit sex scenes.

Such a Fun Age by Kiley Reid - I knew the instant I finished this book that it was going on this list, and in the months since then I still haven't figured out how to describe it in a sentence or two. It's a literary masterpiece without being pretentious. It does actually live up to its hype. If it sounds at all interesting to you, it is absolutely worth reading. The only disappointment is that it's the author's first book so I couldn't immediately go read everything else she's ever written.

Barbed Wire Heart by Tess Sharpe - In some ways The Girls I've Been, which I also read and enjoyed this year, is the better book, but this is the one that stuck with me more. Harley McKenna's father Duke runs a significant portion of the criminal underworld in North County (a fictionalized Del Norte County). There are rumblings of the power shifting and it's time for Harley to execute her plans to take down her rivals - those inside her father's organization as well as the ones outside. This is a very intense book that involves a lot of scheming, plotting, and violence. Content notes from the author.

An Ember in the Ashes series (An Ember in the Ashes, A Torch Against the Night, A Reaper at the Gates, and A Sky Beyond the Storm) by Sabaa Tahir - This was an enjoyable and deeply satisfying fantasy series. It's a fairly standard high fantasy story, so if you like those at all, you will probably like this. Instead of a fictional Europe, it's set in more of a fictional Middle East setting (the author is Pakistani-American). It's apparently technically a YA series, which surprises me because it read much more like books for adults. Content notes for all kinds of war and death.

Magic in Manhattan trilogy (Spellbound, Starcrossed, and Wonderstruck) by Allie Therin - I read a handful of m/m romance series this year that were at heart basically the same story, and this was one of the most enjoyable ones. Two men, one with magic, one who protects the world from dangerous magic, work together to save the world and also fall in love. It takes place in New York City in 1925, so there are also speakeasies and bootleggers and it's all around a good time. It's not an exact analog, but I would be 0% surprised if this started life as Merlin fanfic. Content note: explicit sex scenes.

And Then There Were Four by Nancy Werlin - This is an excellent YA thriller. If you've ever read The Grounding of Group 6 (if you haven't, don't), this is basically that but much better written, modern, and in an urban setting. Five teenagers - and then four - find themselves in danger and come to realize that their parents are trying to kill them. There's a good mix of diverse characters, including some queer characters and a character with chronic health problems who both uses a cane and has to figure out what to do about her meds while they're on the run. This is another book I knew was going on this list as soon as I finished reading it.

Top 7 books I read and then thought about a lot in 2021

Family Man by Heidi Cullinan and Marie Sexton - This m/m romance novel is not what I would call a particularly good book; however something about the emotional journey of it stuck with me. I just really enjoyed Vinnie.

Mother May I by Joshilyn Jackson - I read this because I loved Joshilyn Jackson's previous suburban housewife thriller. This one is still fairly well written, but I had a much harder time with the suspension of disbelief required for the plot, and I wasn't sure how I felt about how one of the things at the end comes about. However, she was clearly wrestling with an interesting idea and I've thought about it off and on since I read it. Content notes: an infant in danger, discussion of past sexual assault.

When All the Girls Have Gone by Jayne Ann Krentz - Jayne Ann Krentz's books are bad as romance novels and mediocre as suspense novels and I don't recommend them unless, like me, you sometimes need a palate-cleansing mediocre suspense novel. I keep thinking about this one, though, because of one of the side characters. One half of the couple in this book is an activities director at a retirement home who runs an activity for people to write their memoirs. One of the women in the group starts with a chapter about her pillar of the community husband, and then ends the chapter saying that she murdered him. The main character tries to tell her that although embellishing might make the story more interesting, this is something their children will read and they should write the truth. Later, she runs into the older woman's adult children and forewarns them about this element of their mother's memoir. The children ask her if she says how she did it because they always wondered; their father was abusive and they were pretty sure their mother killed him. That scene was hilarious for the way it contradicted the character's expectations, and I keep thinking about it.

Gravity Is The Thing by Jaclyn Moriarty - This was a very strange book. I don't know if I think it was good, but the oddness of it definitely stuck with me.

Three Wishes by Liane Moriarty - In some ways, this is fairly standard for a Liane Moriarty book. I think what made me keep thinking about it was the excellent, and frequently funny, use of outsider points of view.

Before She Sleeps by Bina Shah - This is set in a dystopian city where women are required to take multiple husbands and have as many children as possible. The book is about women who live outside the system and provide intimacy without sex - for a price. It's an interesting premise, and I thought a lot about the implications of the ending. Content notes for all the kinds of things this variety of dystopia implies.

When You Reach Me by Rebecca Stead - A friend recommended this to me in an email thread where we were talking about thrillers and mysteries, which is probably why I had no idea what the explanation for the mysterious things was until it's revealed in the book. I later heard someone else recommend it by noting what the explanation is as part of the what the book is about, and I might have had a different reaction to the book if I'd known what that was. This book feels more middle grade than YA, and it has a lot of short chapters, which is probably what kept me reading even when I wasn't sure if I liked it. I'm still not sure I liked it, but I have kept thinking about it.

Top 2 non-fiction books I read in 2021

The Menopause Manifesto: Own Your Health with Facts and Feminism by Dr. Jen Gunter - This is on this list, in part, by comparison; I read two books about menopause this year and found the other one greatly annoying. This is a straightforward walk through both the science and the history of the cultural meaning of menopause by a gynecologist who is herself going through her menopause transition. I like that her entire project is to provide accurate medical information and that this book really tackles the patriarchal/cultural reasons why we might not have/get accurate information. There are two strong caveats about this book: 1. Skip the weight section. She does a good job of decrying the medical practices of refusing to treat fat people and suggesting weight loss instead of addressing patients' actual issues earlier in the book, but this section is not good. I don't think she's skeptical enough about weight and nutrition science (which is, after all, both deeply complicated and frequently conducted through a lens of anti-fat bias). She also clearly has some disordered eating practices that she feels totally comfortable just putting out there as healthier than they used to be. 2. It takes her until almost the end of the introduction to note that the book primarily applies to cis women because the only science we have about menopause at this point is about cis women. If you are a person with a uterus who is trans/nonbinary and/or taking testosterone, this book may not be affirming and/or helpful to you.

The Path of Blessing by Rabbi Marcia Prager - I read this for a class led by my congregation's cantor. I both learned a lot and found it thought-provoking. I appreciated the way it led our class to talk a lot about gender, and especially appreciated that our cantor specifically pointed out that the book is from the 90s and we have a more expansive idea of gender now. This may not be interesting to you if you're not Jewish.

The 4 authors I read the most in 2021

All four of these authors write primarily or exclusively queer romance novels. (I told you I read a lot of romance novels this year.) This whole section has a blanket content note for explicit sex scenes.

Annabeth Albert - I read two of her series in full and some other miscellaneous books for a total of thirteen of her books. I particularly enjoyed the Out of Uniform series, which has a good mix of tropes, although you do have to be in the mood for "the military is good actually" attitudes to read them. The order of her books doesn't really matter, although Tight Quarters does make more sense if you've already read Wheels Up.

KJ Charles - I read seventeen of her books, one a novella co-written by Jordan L. Hawk. That's more than I would have guessed off the top of my head. I greatly enjoy KJ Charles; however, her books have a higher percentage of plot than I'm sometimes looking for when I want to read a romance novel, and I had the feeling I'd read them fairly haphazardly based only on what library ebooks were available. She's written a variety of kinds of books - mysteries, magic, country house parties - so there is probably something you will like if you're interested. My favorites were probably Any Old Diamonds, A Seditious Affair, and Band Sinister. Content notes for the first two of those for kink.

Jordan L. Hawk - I read my way through the Whyborne & Griffin series for a total of fifteen novels and novellas, one co-written by KJ Charles, in one long rush of needing to know what happened next. I really enjoyed it as a story that had an appropriate ongoing raising of the stakes (I recommend not reading about later books until you get there so you're not spoiled for the escalations), a really solid relationship, some very funny bits about how Widdershins is totally a normal place really, and a woman archeologist who is completely delightful.

Cat Sebastian - I read fourteen of Cat Sebastian's books this year, and the only reason I didn't read more is that she hasn't published more yet. The logo on her website says both "fall in love" and "eat the rich," which is a good summation of the values of her novels. I love that all of her books are about queer characters - even in the m/f books, at least one half of the couple is bi. I don't know why, but A Gentleman Never Keeps Score is the one I liked most (I read it more than once). A Delicate Deception was enjoyable for both the unconventional elements of the endings and a hilarious bit about one character's mother. I also found The Queer Principles of Kit Webb especially fun and charming.

[sayakxmi]

[Magi rambling #2, Hakuryuu & Alibaba]

First thing, I’m not going full meta on this, because, frankly, I’m too lazy. I just want to get all these thoughts out of my head. So it’s a mess. Mea culpa. Second thing, I have yet to reread Magi in its entirety, so this stuff is based mostly on my memory aka take everything with a grain of salt. The last thing, I’m focusing on Hakuryuu’s perspective of this relationship, because it’s simply what I was thinking about. 

So, you guys remember Belial’s Dungeon? Yeah, on Hakuryuu’s side there was a moment when Alibaba pretty much overshadowed Morgiana (and Hakuei), and while yeah, we can go with the easiest possible explanation ever, that Alibaba’s simply the mc, so of course he gets the spotlight, but of course I’m not gonna settle on something like, this, so I started to think if there could’ve been an actual in-story reason for that. I looked at the words he uses then “That’s right, I should talk with Alibaba! It was so comfortable to be with them...”.

I think Alibaba was, indeed, the person Hakuryuu was the most comfortable around (at some point). Looking at the Final Arc, I’ve noticed Hakuryuu teasing Aladdin - after they’d spent three years together, frist in Kou, then in Kina. And the thing is, the only people Hakuryuu teased before were Judar in the Kou Empire Arc, and, first, Alibaba.(At least I don’t recall him teasing anybody else). Since there was no way he felt comfortable in Kou, for rather obvious reasons, that’d likely make Alibaba, Aladdin and Morgiana first people he truly felt comfortable around in years, where in Alibaba’s case to the point when he could be a bit mean to him, and still expect to be accepted. And he was, of course. From the very first day, when Alibaba had no intention of hating him. It also made sense that Alibaba’d be the person he felt the most comfortable around. Aladdin was younger, and Morgiana was his crush, and both of them were much stronger tham him. Compared to them, Alibaba must’ve felt simply closer, down-to-earth. [Note: the other person he was ‘close’ to was Hakuei, but he likely didn’t feel comfortable around her, mostly focused on his need to proctect her.]

And then we get to the Umm Madaura fiasco, oh boy.

I can’t help but wonder how hurt Hakuryuu must’ve felt when Alibaba was the only one not to go after him. (Reminder: he wanted to, but Morgiana stopped him; probably a good thing since he wasn’t in the best mentality, going full Cassim flashbacks, but still. It’s not that he didn’t want to.). Assuming all that I said earlier was true, then from Hakuryuu’s perspective, the moment he showed his darker side, the person he felt the most comfortable around rejected him. Man, that must’ve stung. And after that, Hakuei rejected him, too. The only person who didn’t was Judar.

So, three arcs and two timeskips later, the two meet again. Honestly, the reunion chapter is really fun to break down!

The atmosphere is awkward to say the least. Hakuryuu’s pretty much at his peak power-wise, and his bottom mental-wise, and I can’t help but wonder what exactly is going through his head. Whatever he expected to hear from Alibaba (probably to be criticized or sth), he doesn’t, because Alibaba being Alibaba starts with that dumb icebreaker of his. And then they just chat like nothing happened. That is, until Hakuryuu has enough of beating around the bush (that, in reality, wasn’t beating around the bush, Alibaba was absurdly genuine like he usually is), and goes with this whole invading Balbadd thing. I honestly think that deep down there was a part of him that hoped Alibaba would’ve agreed. 

The funny thing is that for all his constant freaking out (which, honestly, very fair), Alibaba is actually willing to listen to people and in general is unreasonably understanding, so if Hakuryuu told him why he killed Gyokuen, Alibaba would’ve been like, ok, y’know what, horrifying but fair. Matter closed, let’s move on.  Brainwashing’s a different subject.  I love Alibaba’s standards.

Communication (and lack of therof) is a huge theme in Magi, srsly.

[usagi-mitsu]

This is something I never thought I would ever write – or would have even considered writing down even a few hours ago. But I feel like this needs to be addressed and I hope you all can forgive me for venting my feelings – about art, the reader/author relationship, art-theft, and the following consequence: deleted art.

And… this is also some kind of diary entry for me, to never forget.

About three to four hours ago, an artist who I truly admire, closed their account on Wattpad. Wattpad is not my personally preferred platform, simply because I’m not sure it’s ok for them to monetize an authors content the way they do – and that is a topic for a whole different discussion. But they had pulled their stuff from fanfiction.net a few years prior and (if it even was their account) even from AO3.

The last message they posted on Wattpad reads as follows:

“DUE TO PEOPLE CONSTANTLY TRYING TO STEAL MY FICS AND CLAIM THEM AS THEIR OWN, I HAVE REMOVED THEM ALL FROM THIS PLATFORM. VERY SORRY TO THOSE WHO HAVE READ AND ENJOYED THEM BUT ALREADY MULTIPLE TIMES MY WRITING HAS BEEN STOLEN AND IM DONE.”

 The author I’m talking about was called “Lusterrdust” on Wattpad and wrote the very popular Skyrim Romance Mod fanfiction about their Dragonborn Niamh and the mods main character Bishop. Their first story “Ranger of the Woods” covered the whole of the mod in about 52-53 chapters and told it beautifully: From when Niamh and Bishop first met in Riverwood (?), to them fighting side by side, him leaving her to go fight Alduin alone, them reuniting a few months later, the journey to Solstheim, the battle with Miraak and finally a small wedding far away from the public. The second story was called “Saviour of Tamriel” and was set about four years after the first one, with Niamh yearning to be a mother, while the Aldmeri Dominion was planning on slowly expanding it’s … well … dominion across the continent, with Niamh and the High King Ulfric receiving death threats, her actually getting pregnant and Bishop trying to keep his family as safe as possible. A meeting with the emperor Titus Mede was on the way and I think Niamh and Bishop were about to drop their baby boy Julian off with the greybeards to keep him safe, since the Dominion had already put a hefty price on the not even three month old infant.

 The reason for why I write this, why this is affecting me like this, is that Lusterrdust was the first author I ever interacted with: I wrote comments when I read the story and I left my impressions and came back to read it again and again. I even dropped theories in the comments, even though I knew the story was not yet one and when I left my ideas and theories at the end of one of the last chapters, they even asked me, if they could use my idea. And my comments were not there anymore, since I offered them to delete them – just so that nobody else would be spoiled by my … inspirational rants at the end of each chapter. (Which is why I assume Niamh and Bishop were in Ivarstead at the end of the last chapter – it was my suggestion to place the baby with the Greybeards. Who better to look after a baby, than a bunch of super powerful elderly men and an elder dragon..?

But aside from having a baby at the worst possible time, aside from Niamh and Bishop still trying to learn how to communicate with her being the Dragonborn and therefore a person of public and political interest, aside from a potential alliance with Titus Mede and a hopefully good ending for them all.. there was so much more: There was the sub-plot with Breezehome being remodelled to be an orphanage, Niamhs brother having been brainwashed by the dark brotherhood, Lydia and Farkas having a third baby, Vilkas being with a Mere (elven woman), the implication of Ulfric slowly growing old and openly admitting to wanting Niamh to be his High Queen …

There was so much yet to explore.

But the author stopped updating in 2018, when their grandfather died. Which was ok. And everything was still ok to this day. At least for me: Even though they did not publish any new content, I still had all those many chapters to read again and again in my own time, whenever I got to it.

And it inspired me. It inspired me so much, that I went ahead and dove head first into Elder Scrolls Lore. A few years back, I could name all the Daedric Princes (Sanguine is the god of tits and wine – change my mind) and tell you which of Tamriels nine gods ruled over which dominion and why the fight between the Elves of Summerset and the other peoples of Tamriel was utter religious bullshit.

It even inspired me to think about my own Dragonborn, a nord woman called Kahira van Rae, and what she would do in a situation like Niamhs. A train of thoughts, that lead to me having RP sessions with my friends via WhatsApp and hour long talks about the politics of fictional lands. It even made me call my new character in the next fandom I’d dive into “Shia Tamriel”. In honour of a story and fandom I had come to love deeply.

And while it has been some time since I last checked in with these stories, I never forgot them. I did keep on coming back, enjoying them again and again. And every time I read them, I discovered something new.

These two stories were important to me.

The author was important to me.

 And now, all of those things are gone, because someone apparently copied their work and posted them as their own.

And that’s what really gets me.

Some random person out there on the internet thought it was ok, to simply copy-paste another persons hard work and put their name on it.

And let me put this as simply as possible:

THAT IS NOT OK! NOT IN ANY WAY!

 Because of your selfishness, a few hundred people will never get to know the end of Niamhs story.

Because of your selfishness, a few hundred people will never get to reread the story.

Because of your selfishness, an author was hurt and annoyed so badly they decided to pull all their content.

You should be ashamed.

You stole someone’s precious art that they decided to share with the world and let me be clear – just because they shared their art, you are not allowed to simply make it your own!

 Copyright is an iffy topic in fandom culture, with different countries having different rules and different companies going after fan works in highly differing intensities. But it should be common curtesy to not simply steal another persons art! Be it literal artworks as in pictures or edited videos or cosplay ideas or written art like fanfiction!

If something inspires you, that’s great! But you always ask consent before doing anything with the art! And if asking consent is an entirely new concept to you, I’d like to ask you kindly to go educate yourself on it. It will not only pop up in fandom culture.

 To conclude this…

I’m just sad at this point. I remembered the story two nights ago and I jumped right back into it at some random point and read it. I even put up with Wattpads shenanigans like forcing me to log in to keep on reading or requiring me to download the app so that they can show me stupid 30 second long ads in between reading.

I know that the world is not ending because of this.

I am well aware of the fact, that it was just a story.

And I truly support the authors decision.

 But until they pulled all the content, until they deleted their account, I had always hoped to maybe one day read more about Niamh and Bishop. And Bragor and Julian. About their Ulfric and Ralof, Lydia and Farkas and their children. I had hopes to discover their Titus Mede and how they were going to resolve the conflict between Skyrim, the empire and the Dominion

But now I cannot even go back and reread the sassy exchanges between Casavir and Bishop. I will never again be able to experience Bishops anguish when Niamh receives an almost mortal wound. I’ll never again know the inner thoughts of the Dragonborn, who thought she was barren, getting told that she is pregnant.

 I think the author did the right thing. It saddens me nonetheless.

 So let me end this here with one last plea to everyone in every fandom out there:

Do not steal art.

 Thank you for reading.

[msbluebell]

Captive!AU where Claude and the Deers decide to save Byleth, because Clause is a awesome tacticien and will have a super plan. They manage to save Byleth and return to the monastery for take some rest and Dimitri jumps on them, like a angry, hissing and grumpy cat, only for stop when he sees Byleth. Claude explains and must force Dimitri to stay and to not run to Embarr.

Are you suggesting I finally write the legendary Golden Deer Jailbreak branch of the Captive AU? Because that’s what this sounds like to me.

The scenario begins as all Golden Deer branches of the Captive AU begins, with Lorenz.

Lorenz has, of course, been somewhat unwillingly working with the Empire, ala the game proper. Thus, he is in the spot most crucial to finding out that not only is Byleth alive, but being held in the Tower of Treasures (later known as the Lover’s Tower).

I think he learns the truth from Ferdinand.

Maybe Ferdinand couldn’t take the guilt anymore, maybe he wanted to free Byleth, but couldn’t do it by his own friends. Maybe he he was drunk and vulnerable, having been the one to visit the professor with their food that day, only to be given the cold shoulder. Maybe he has an escape plan cobbling together in his head and is testing the waters for allies. Any way you imagine it, Ferdinand lets the information slip to a shocked and appalled Lorentz.

Now, Lorentz has a lot to lose here. He has everything he values on the line, and his very life to lose. He could be killed for treason if he’s caught. But, damn it all, he’s a noble and gentleman first and foremost. It’s the one thing he truly, honestly, completely believes in, and he’s willing to die if that’s what it takes to keep his head high. He rather die a true noble, with all the ideals that come with it, than allow such an atrocity to happen. So, with all the pride and confidence that only Lorentz could summon, he pens a letter to Claude and sends it posthaste. He’s so confident that Claude will do something about this mess that he doesn’t even bother being obtuse about the situation. He boldly explains everything happening and has the letter sent in the cover of night.

Claude get’s the letter at breakfast.

He opens it while drinking coffee, reads through it because if Lorenz is sending a letter than it must be something important, and promptly spits out his coffee and rereads the letter seven times just to be sure he’s reading it right before sending out messengers to collect his inner circle right now please.

Now, I’ve already made the post about the Golden Deer’s reactions to all this nonsense, so I’m going to skip that and go straight to the planning for the jailbreak.

Several of the Golden Deer are absolutely not cut out for stealth. The are, however, good for leading large raids against key territories at key times that can easily distract Edelgard’s attention while the infiltrators impregnate the city and find the tower.

Now, they can’t start their infiltration without a map of Enbarr, so they spend the better part of a week studying the layout of the city and the fastest way to get to the tower. No one knows what’s inside the tower itself, so they’ll have to rush from there, but getting in and finding their way out once they leave should be the easiest part.

The plan is thus: Claude, Raphael and Leonie will lead raids in strategic locations away from the city. While the army is occupied dealing with the Alliance and Kingdom armies, their stealth group will sneak in.

From here, Ignatz and Lysithea will be stationed within the city to provide distraction just in case the guards realize there are intruders to the tower. Once the alarms are set they’ll cause havoc and distract the guards so they don’t go after the rescue team.

The rescue team will be Hilda and Marianne. Hilda will be used to knock out the guards and defeat any monsters, while Marianne will not only provide healing, but also break curses left behind by Hubert.

The plan is actually surprisingly functional. Hilda is very serious about getting out of here as fast as possible, and with the guards confused about where to go to find the intruders, while also being distracted, they manage to get through the traps inside relatively fast. The real problem was the mazes. They had and idea that there would be mazes, but the mazes inside the tower are definitely overkill. (Hilda: “I’m starting to wish Lysithea was here to teleport us.” Marianne: “She wouldn’t have known where to go.”) 

It takes long enough that Ignatz and Lysithea are forced to flee the city without them. Lysithea comes back and hides, waiting for them, after a while, but Ignatz has to book it.

It takes a while, but Hilda and Marianne finally find the right door. Hilda knocks out the guard. She nearly screams in frustration when she sees he doesn’t have a key.

Whatever.

She takes an axe to the fucking wall. Fuck it, they’ve come here to get teach, they’re going to fucking get her.

One whole in the wall later, and several broken axes, a wide eyed Byleth is shakily stepping through the hole. Marianne wastes no time dotting on them, making sure to take note of how pale they are and trying to deduce the effects being locked away had on them.

“Hello professor.” Hilda swings the axe across her shoulders, “Been a while since we’ve seen you. Things have gone totally nuts since you’ve been gone. Hope you’re ready to go, because we’re not coming back here.”

Byleth honest to goddess look so hopeful that it almost makes Marianne cry right there.

But they don’t have time for that. They need to get outside and find Lysithea.

So they spend, like, the next hour or two trying to navigate their way out and taking out any guards that came to replace the previous shift. Luckily, lunch time passed a long time ago, so none of the students are there yet.

They get outside and that’s when they have to book it to Lysithea’s hiding spot. Which, okay, she’s not hiding anymore because Marianne sent up a fireball and now Lysithea knows where they are.

Several teleports later, they’re making mad dashes on horseback away from Enbarr.

Byleth reunites with the Golden Deer kids in a sweet, tearful, reunion that may or may not involve Claude leaping off a damn flying wyvern to tackle teach into a hug. 

Just because Byleth taught the Blue Lions doesn’t mean they weren’t the favorite professor for everyone else, too.

So there’s about a day or so spent just, getting Byleth fed, washed up, getting them better clothes, and just plain catching them up on what’s been going on the last five years while they were locked up.

...five years...

Byleth thanks the Golden Deer for everything, but tells the kids they need to go back to Garreg Mach now. When the Golden Deer kids ask why, Byleth explains the promise the Blue Lions made five years ago.

“Teach...” Claude’s voice takes on the slightest tint of sadness, “No one has seen Dimitri for five years. Even if he wasn’t really executed...there’s no guarantee he’s alive.”

Byleth shakes their head, “I believe in him. And even if he’s not there, the rest of the Blue Lions will be.”

“Will they?” Leonie raises an eyebrow, “No offense, but it’s been five years of war, there’s more important things to do.”

“You all came for me and I’m not your teacher.” Byleth shook their head, “They’ll come. I know they will. Especially Dimitri.”

No one wants to say that rescuing Byleth, on top of being a moral move, was also just tactically wise. And no was wants to tell them that they don’t believe Dimitri will turn up.

Still, Claude believes in Byleth, and if Byleth believes Dimitri will turn up, then hey, maybe he just might!

“Alright teach.” Claude smiles, “We’ll go with you. If you say they’ll be there, than the Blue Lions kids, yeah, Dimitri too, will definitely be there.”

So they go to Garreg Mach, everyone a little bit (reasonably) skeptical.

They find Dimitri there.

[rosereview]

Top 12 Books of 2019

I read a total of 71 books this year and so many of them were five stars. That’s why this list has twelve instead of ten and why I had to put two or three books in the same placement. The only rules for this list are that I have to have read them this year and no rereads.

12. A Lite Too Bright by Samuel Miller

To start off we have A Lite Too Bright which is a story about a young boy who goes one a hunt for answers regarding his grandfather's disappearance, who had Alzheimers. I was really excited to pick this book up because I had heard good things and Alzheimers is a topic that I have a personal relationship with. Little did I know that this book has so many more elements to it, like politics and adventure and family. It was beautifully written and I will definitely read whatever Samuel Miller comes out with next.

11. Daisy Jones & The Six by Taylor Jenkins Reid

This book was raved about when it came out, so when I saw it at Costco for cheap, I had to have it. I don’t regret that in the least, and now I’ve gotten my mom, aunt and cousins hooked on it. It’s told in the form of documentary interviews and tells the story of a rock band in the 1970s. I loved the format that it was told in and I loved the story. I don’t even have the words to describe how good it is, besides the fact that you just have to read it.

10. Made You Up by Francesca Zappia

I read Francesca Zappia’s book, Eliza and her Monsters, last year and it was my number one book of 2018. So I had to read her other book and I’m glad I did. Made You Up is about a girl with schizophrenia and her struggle with distinguishing between reality and her imagination. It’s such an important story because it’s told in a way where you really realize how hard life is for the main character and you can empathize with others like her. It was a powerful story and I highly recommend. 

9. Ministry of Curiosities #6, 8, 9 by C.J. Archer

I finally finished the Ministry of Curiosities series this year and I’m so happy. This series is a total of ten books and I finished the last six books after only reading the first three last year. I was not disappointed with the series and it just keeps getting better and better with each book. My favourites from this series are From the Ashes, Veiled in Moonlight, and Vow of Deception. This series is about a paranormal Victorian England with a ministry that takes care of paranormal activity including several mysteries that you follow throughout the books. I was really impressed with the way all the mysteries tied together in the end and the character development throughout the books. 

8. The Conqueror’s Saga by Kiersten White

This year I read all three books in this series and loved all of them. The series includes And I Darken, Now I Rise, and Bright We Burn. This series takes place during the Ottoman Empire and follows sister and brother, Lada and Radu, as they have to navigate politics and wanting to get home after being taken by the Ottomans. Even though these books aren’t short, they flew by. The pace was very fast and I loved the characters and the way you could see them grow up throughout the books since they start out young in book one. It was a very fun ride.

7. Charlotte Holmes Series by Brittany Cavallaro

This was another series I started and completed in 2019 starting with A Study in Charlotte, The Last of August, The Case for Jamie, and A Question of Holmes. They’re a retelling of Sherlock Holmes and John Watson and follow their descendants Charlotte Holmes and Jamie Watson. I didn’t think I liked mysteries until I read this series. Now I love them! This book has several themes I didn’t even expect, like addiction and mental illness, which gave the characters more development and obstacles. I really think that if you like mysteries, that you’ll like these books.

6. Finale by Stephanie Garber

I read Caraval and Legendary by Stephanie Garber last year and really enjoyed them. This year the last book Finale came out and I loved it. This is the best book of the series and I’m really happy with how it ended and how is tied the series together. The series is about two sisters who both play this scavenger hunt game called Caraval, which is filled with magic and wonder. But through the next books you realize that this world is more than just a game. The issues I had with the first two books weren’t in this last one, or were made less annoying and by the end I was really satisfied. I will now be reading whatever Stephanie Garber comes out with next. 

5. Supernova by Marissa Meyer

Finally the end to Renegades is here and I couldn’t have been more happy, except that I still want more. I loved Renegades so much and Marissa Meyer didn’t disappoint me with this last book. This series is about superheroes and supervillains with the perspective of both sides and the supervillian goes undercover to join the superheroes and take them down. I loved the concept (superheroes!) and loved the way Marissa Meyer told both sides and showed that it wasn’t as simple as good or bad, wrong or right. It’s more complicated than that. 

4. The Thirteenth Tale by Diane Setterfield

This book I got from my Aunt last Christmas and I was very surprised with how much I loved it. It's about a famous author who hires a girl to write the author’s life story. It’s full of mystery and tells from both the present and the past. I loved that about it and it has many twists and turns and moments of shock that it really keeps you on the edge of your seat. I don’t want to say much more than that because you should really go into it knowing knowing a lot .

3. Truly Devious Series by Maureen Johnson

I read both Truly Devious and The Vanishing Stair this year and I’m just waiting for the last book to come out in January. Both the first and second book were amazing and like the Charlotte Holmes series, made me love mysteries. It takes place in a special boarding school and switches between the mystery in the present and the mystery that took place there almost 100 years before. It’s very well written and keeps you wanting more. I’ll be very sad when the series ends in this next book. 

2. The Folk of the Air #2, 3 by Holly Black

This year I also read both The Wicked King, and The Queen of Nothing after reading The Cruel Prince last year. Honestly the series just gets better and better and the final book is a very satisfying end. The series is about Faerie and main character, Jude, growing up there even though she’s human. She has to navigate all the politics and tricks that come with Faerie and try to survive. Holly Black is an incredible writer and paired with her world building and imagination, she brings her characters to life and keeps you needing more. I love her world of Faerie. 

1. The Red Scrolls of Magic by Cassandra Clare & Wesley Chu

The best book of 2019 is of course a Cassandra Clare book. The Shadowhunter world is my favourite place to visit and her characters are my best friends. Kidding, but not really. Cassandra Clare is an amazing writer and every book she writes is a work of art and somehow better than the last one. This story follows Alec and Magnus from The Mortal Instruments on their vacation they took during City of Fallen Angels and it’s not the relaxing vacation they’re expecting. I love Magnus and Alec so much, and to see them at the start of their relationship again is so refreshing. I knew this book would be good but I wasn’t expecting everything that happened in the book and to love it as much as I do. I can’t wait for the next book!

So that’s my list of 2019 favourites. I hope some of these can become your new favourites too in the future. 

Until next time!

~Rose Reviews

[androgyne-acolyte]

Coming out (as a queer ministry hopeful)

A version of this was cross-posted to my personal Facebook profile. This is the first in (hopefully) a series of posts discussing what I believe, how I got here, and how my faith and praxis continue to evolve. 

I’m also indebted to all the queer and trans people of faith here on Tumblr for providing me with countless tidbits of affirming and radical theology. You’ve contributed to my decision as much as anyone.

So, I have some life changes on the horizon. As of Tuesday, I’ve been accepted to the Master of Divinity program at Atlantic School of Theology, starting in September and continuing for the next three years. Concurrently, I’m pursuing candidacy for ordination as a minister in the United Church of Canada.

To those who don’t know me closely, this may seem like a surprise; I usually don’t talk about faith unless directly asked. Let me explain...

In the second half of 2018, a number of personal and professional issues came to a head for me. To make a long story short, I realized that being a full-time composer and musician simply wasn’t financially or emotionally sustainable anymore; at the same time, I faced an untenable personal situation that seriously challenged my values as a queer person.

I realized that, throughout years of unstable circumstances and a rapidly changing self, my spirituality has been the one beneficial constant in my life. It’s challenged me to act when I see distress and suffering, to see the good in people, and to not get cynical — all of which, I’ve learned, are extremely difficult to do well! Even so, my spirituality has been like a signal, calling me to explore it and live it out more fully, and I hit a point where I simply couldn’t ignore it any longer.

Again, to those who haven’t been following me closely, it may seem strange that I’m re-joining an institution like the church as an openly genderqueer person; especially (if you look more closely) as someone who seems to reject a lot of the main points of normative Christianity in favour of obscure ideas plucked from the forgotten depths of history. Maybe it helps to picture me aspiring to be a whiter, trans-er version of Shepherd Book from Firefly, or a real-life D&D cleric. But I think I’ve stumbled onto something profound, and I want to share it.

These next sections are addressed to two groups of people in my life: First, the rad queers, the activists of whatever stripe, and all those who have good reason to distrust the church. Second, the few traditional Christians who might be paying attention, if you’ve read this far.

To my queer and trans siblings especially: I want to be the rad genderqueer minister who you can trust — who provides a safe harbour for down-and-out trans kids, has Plan B in their pastoral care kit, runs free therapy groups out of the church basement (how about a whole youth shelter while we’re at it?), and gives humble, honest answers to anyone who has ever questioned and been silenced. I believe that “another world is possible”;  a more just and loving world, where we can build new systems based on radical equity, work to heal ourselves and each other from the scars of trauma and oppression, and kick at the foundations of unjust power through acts of sacred mischief. This is my activism.

Moreover, the United Church is special to me in that social action and healthy dialogue (not to mention decolonization and reconciliation) are its bread and butter. I feel like I’ve finally found a spiritual home, an organization that can provide a platform and a support for me to live out this kind of work; in turn, I can keep challenging the church to be better, more inclusive, more radical. After all, truly queer-affirming and anti-oppressive spiritual practices are still sorely lacking at the church level; imagine the impact of a community of faith that uplifts and nurtures our queer descendants instead of judging and alienating them, where if anything gets denounced from the pulpit, it’s the evil of late capitalism and white supremacy.

Not that I’m attached to denominational identity, or even to the idea that being capital-C Christian is a prerequisite; the earliest form of christianity, after all, was simply called “the Way”, a community of thought and action that transcended social, cultural, and patriarchal boundaries. If you believe in compassion, justice, and healing, that’s good enough for me; I want to walk this Way with you and for you. No gatekeeping, no ahistorical rhetoric about sin and sacrifice, no dumbed-down creedal statements to accept by rote; my christian agenda is one where everyone gets enough and nobody gets left behind.

(And, like, I’m no saint, either; I’ve made mistakes, I’ve hurt people, I’ve gone off the rails once or twice. The above is as much an aspiration for me as it is for anyone.)

To any self-identified traditional Christians who are still reading: Go back and reread Matthew 3; just as the first century was a time of rapid change (Mark 13), the 21st century is more bewildering still, and I believe that we are called to walk through it with our hearts and minds open. Remember that the world that Paul admonishes us not to conform to (Romans 12:2) is the Roman world of two millennia ago; keeping our faith is something much bigger than rigid adherence to social norms and cultural identity (Galatians 3:23-29). Look at our history; how many of our beliefs are recent developments adopted in resistance to modernity? How many are medieval constructs that would have been foreign to the actual authors of the Bible? How many are compromises meant to make us look respectable in front of the Roman Empire?

Finally, when was the last time a parable surprised you (Mark 12:17)? Jesus wasn’t crucified over theological differences; he was killed because he represented something bigger and better than the repressive empire around him, and the folks in power knew it (Matthew 27:54). In every parable, every teaching, there is something gleefully, mischievously countercultural that centuries of societal change have obscured; to overlook that is to overlook part of the incredible beauty and vitality of our faith. Isn’t it more satisfying to examine our beliefs and come out with a deeper understanding? Isn’t it more inspiring to see allies all around us? Isn’t it more fun to get our hands dirty? And who are we to limit God’s overwhelming love?

Postscript: As a friend pointed out, I’m not trying to juggle being a queer person and being an aspiring minister, as if these are somehow disparate identities; I want to be a Queer Minister, with all the powerful and unsettling possibilities that implies. I think it’s something our world needs right now.

[auliasbookcorner]

Review: The Hero of Ages (Mistborn #3) by Brandon Sanderson

Book 14 of 2022

Start Reading Time: 15 August 2022

Finish reading Time: 15 September 2022

Page Count: 572

TRIGGER WARNINGS: VIOLENCE, DEATH, BLOOD, MURDER, GENOCIDE, GORE

This is the spoiler-free part of the review. I will put up a spoiler alert before going into the review that contains spoilers.

I feel like a shell of myself after finishing this Trilogy.

After reading THAT ending.

I feel hollow.

This might be the worst book hangover yet.

That ending may have ruined me (pun very much intended).

It's been a week since I finished reading it, but I still can't form thoughts, and I've been procrastinating instead of making this review. It's like my brain has been turned upside down and inside out, and my psyche feels like it has just finished a marathon and is too tired to function.

BUT OH MY DEAR GOD DO I LOVE IT.

This has happened to me before and it was when I finished The Poppy War, and for those of you who had read that whole Trilogy, you know what I'm talking about. Once again, I feel so crushed but also, happy? Because that ending, as crushing as it is, it is just SO RIGHT. This feeling is so confusing but it's also the feeling I crave. It's this feeling that make me truly appreciate this gift of being able to read and getting lost in this fantasy world, and to cease to exist in the real world and forget all of it's problems for a while, only to fight evils with magical powers and to be given hope that goodness will win in the end. And, of course, it makes me appreciate that there are brilliant people like Brandon Sanderson who have written these amazing books so that ordinary people like me can read them, and that there are epic books like these exist in this world, waiting to be read by anyone who's willing.

I'm just so overwhelmed by all these feelings, so excuse me if this review will not make that much sense, I'm just a mere vessel of overwhelming love and gratitude for this series right now. I'm so happy to be able to visit The Final Empire and to get to know Kelsier, Vin, Elend, Spook, Sazed and everyone else. These characters have been living rent free in my mind since I started reading this series, and I know they will be comfortably staying there for a good while. I'm also so grateful for all of the moral lessons, food for thoughts and challenging arguments that made me reflect and question myself to be better.

I'm also so grateful that Brandon Sanderson is a wizard who writes books at breakneck speed because there are more books in this series, although it is set in a different era, and there will be one more trilogy set in a different era, AND there are novellas too! I'm so happy to be able to visit this world again someday when I read the next Mistborn books, even though Kelsier, Vin, Elend, and the crew won't be there anymore. I will most definitely reread this Trilogy, if Mr. Sanderson ever stops giving us new awesome books to read. JK, I will reread it even if there are new books to read, and I hope Brando Sando keeps releasing new books.

Having said all of that, I do have my criticisms of this book, though. I do have some issues with it, which I will explain later in this review, as I always think that no matter how good a book is, there is always room for improvement, and it is just my own humble opinion, which many others may not share. Nevertheless, these issues don't diminish my enjoyment of the book, I enjoyed this book and this trilogy as a whole thoroughly, and it has become my new obsession that I will never stop talking about for a really long time. I will always find some ways to bring it up in conversations, reviews, discussions, etc, so that everyone will be so curious about it and will eventually read the books for themselves. Well, that, or they may just get fed up with me, block me on everything and get turned off about the books because of me. Hopefully, it's the first one. Anyway, let’s get into the synopsis and the review:

It's been three years since Vin found the Well of Ascension and Elend was turned into a Mistborn. Things have gone worse than ever; now the ashes fall down even harder, killing the crops and food is becoming more and more scarce. The mist now comes even in daylight, making it harder for people to see, and a lot of people who go into the mist have fallen ill, and there are earthquakes happening more and more often each day. Things are grim to say the least.

Vin realized that when she released the spirit from the Well of Ascension instead of keeping the power of the Well to herself, she might have unknowingly started the end of the world. So, now Vin is desperate to find a way to save the world, and along with the help of Elend and the rest of the remaining crew: Sazed, Breeze, Ham and Spook, they're doing their best to find the Lord Ruler's storage caches filled with food and other supplies that he had left scattered across the Final Empire. They gather and distribute the food and other supplies they found in the storage caches to the people living in Luthadel and other regions that they have traveled to in search of the caches, which have pledged their allegiances to Elend and Vin as their new Emperor and Empress. However their supplies are growing thin each day, and the ashes are piling on the ground more and more, and everyday more people have fallen ill to the mist.

One of the most important things they found in each of the storage caches besides the food and other supplies, is the message from the Lord Ruler written on a piece of metal so it couldn't be corrupted. The message gives them clues about the location of other storage caches. They hope once they've found all of the storage caches, they will find an answer to their question; how to save the world from ending.

But, their mission to get to all of the storage caches is far from easy, since there are some regions that are refusing to be ruled by Elend and Vin, but Vin and the crew had no other choice but to get to all of those storage caches. The final two storage caches are located in Fadrex, a region that's now ruled by a former Obligator who's awfully loyal to The Lord Ruler; and Urteau, now ruled by a Noblepeople-hating skaa who worships The Survivor and is very religious.

Meanwhile, Sazed is still very deep in depression since losing Tindwyl, and he can't seem to bring himself to wear any of his metalminds nor find any meaning in the work he used to be so passionate about, and he feels guilty about that too. TenSoon is being accused of treason, he tries to explain to his people that the end is near and that they have to play their part in helping the Hero of Ages in preserving the world, but no one believes him. Marsh seems to be losing his hopes of ever being able to control himself again.

Things are worse than ever, and their chances of saving the world seem to be slimmer and slimmer everyday. Will they save the world in time? Find out how they, once again, did the impossible in this mind-blowingly epic end to this trilogy.

🚨SPOILER ALERT🚨

From this point forward in the review, I will mention spoilers, plot twist and the ending. So, if you don’t wish to be spoiled, you can skip the rest of the review and come back to this review once you’ve finished reading this book.

Buckle up people, because here's my long and dramatic rambling rant about the best things from the book that got me so obsessed with it:

MRS. VIN VENTURE, MISTBORN EMPRESS EXTRAORDINAIRE. I mean, she really went through it in this book. I gotta say that this book is NOT good to Vin, like, at all. Well, except she did get to finally go to a ball and dance with Elend in the early parts, but after that, it all just went downhill for her. She got held hostage by Yomen, her best friend Sazed is depressed, her other friend TenSoon is away and being accused of treason, she thought she was The Hero of Ages and put all the burden on herself to save the world, she found out that Ruin has been gaslighting the hell out her since she was a baby, and in the end she had to watch her husband being decapitated, and she was never The Hero of Ages, she was just someone that Ruin had picked since she was just a baby, to manipulate into releasing him from his prison because she had all the right criteria. Our homegirl was not having the best time, and I was stressed out for her. But I'm also so incredibly proud of her. She went from being a paranoid little street urchin into a bad-ass young Mistborn who killed the powerful and immortal tyrant, then she became an Empress who took control of thousands of Koloss, saving thousands of lives, and made the ultimate sacrifice for the survival of the entire world. She's truly one of the most amazing female protagonists I have ever had the pleasure of knowing.

Vin was not special, she was never the Hero of Ages, she didn't have special powers that other Mistborn doesn't have. it's true that she had heightened power with bronze which enable her to cut through copperclouds, which is the result of the hemalurgy that her late mother did to her, taking the power from her baby sister who was a Seeker, but other than that, she was just another Mistborn. What made her special is her being strong and resilient even long before she knew anything about Allomancy and realized she has Allomantic powers. What made her special is her still having faith in the goodness of others even when they had failed her time and time again. What made her special is her having compassion and treating others with respect and justice, having faith in people to be good. What made her special is just her being her. Sazed is damn right, Vin is special, but not because of the powers that she possesses, not because of the titles she holds, or the people she associates with. Vin's special because she simply is a special person.

I really thoroughly enjoy Vin's journey, and even though that ending wrecks me, I'm happy, proud and glad for how she ended up in this story. I'd like to think that now she's peaceful and happy in the heavens with Elend, Reen, Kelsier, Mare, Dockson, and Clubs.

But I am so far from being done talking about Vin lol. Despite having the shittiest times in this book, Vin still has the most badass moments, most wholesome moments, and cutest moments, and I'm here today to tell you all about it. Every time she fights anyone, be it the Koloss, Marsh, or those twelve inquisitors, I swear it's like Brandon Sanderson really TURNED IT THE FUCK UP for all these fight scenes because they truly got me so riled up. I freaking love reading those fight scenes, as brutal as it was, Vin was so fucking badass, she got me rooting for her like never before. Then when she's trying to give Sazed comfort in this scene:

"“There was a time,” she said, “after I’d taken the power at the Well of Ascension, when I thought Elend would die.” “But he did not,” Sazed said. “He lives still.” “It doesn’t matter,” Vin said. “I thought him dead. I knew he was dying—I held that power, Sazed, power you can’t imagine. Power you’ll never be able to imagine. The power to destroy worlds and remake them anew. The power to see and to understand. I saw him, and I knew he would die. And knew I held the power in my hands to save him.” Sazed looked up. “But I didn’t,” Vin said. “I let him bleed, and released the power instead. I consigned him to death.” “How?” Sazed asked. “How could you do such a thing?” “Because I looked into his eyes,” Vin said, “and knew it was what he wanted me to do. You gave me that, Sazed. You taught me to love him enough to let him die.”"

Side note about that quote, I feel like with most romantic stories, they'd ask, would you die for me? But with Vin and Elend, it's "I love you enough to let you die, because I know it's what you wanted", and that just proves that their love is superior, and it destroys me all over again. Will I get to know a love story this good ever again?

And this quote about Vin's growth:

"Vin was not fury. She was not terror. She had grown beyond those things. She had seen Elend die—had held him in her arms as he did—and had known that she had let it happen. Intentionally. And yet, he still lived. Every breath was unexpected, perhaps undeserved. Once, she’d been terrified that she would fail him. But, she had found peace—somehow—in understanding that she couldn’t keep him from risking his life. In understanding that she didn’t want to keep him from risking his life. So, she no longer fought out of fear for the man she loved. Instead, she fought with an understanding. She was a knife—Elend’s knife, the Final Empire’s knife. She didn’t fight to protect one man, but to protect the way of life he had created, and the people he struggled so hard to defend. Peace gave her strength."

Reading that part again after knowing how they ended up in the book is like a punch to the guts.

And the cutest moment has got to be that ✨ball scene✨, when Elend was pretending to read when they danced, to annoy Vin. Aaaaakkk that scene is what got me through that ending, in my head now Vin and Elend are dancing happily in a beautiful ballroom in heaven. However, in retrospect, rereading that scene I'm annoyed because their plan to quietly sneak into the storage cache when Elend is distracting Yomen is just SO STUPIIDDD!! OH MY GOD!!! I'm disappointed in Elend, tbh, because he was supposed to be a scholar, which means he's supposed to be very smart, right? Well, he's not very bright to actually go through with this plan. I'm just over here reading about them coming up with this poor plan and actually going through with it, knowing Yomen already set up traps for them like:

But, nevertheless, that ball scene with them dancing for the first (and even though by then they didn't know it yet, it's also their last) time, is just TOP TIER, it's the cutest and and the most romantic scene I read in a while. I'm so freaking happy for them, for my stupid and delusional babies, since they actually think their plan will be successful lol.

I also have to mention one of the cruelest things Ruin did to Vin, is to appear to her using Reen's likeness. Yes, that scene. And I have to tell you that I had a near heart attack thinking that Reen had been alive this whole time, that he never loved her and he didn't die protecting her, and was under Ruin's control. I think my heart stopped for a hot second. That was so freaking cruel of Ruin, to both Vin and me. I feel pranked by Brando Sando for that. Because you read my previous reviews of Book 1 and Book 2 of Mistborn, you'll know that I sympathize with Reen. But Vin was so smart because she knew that it's not really Reen, and she didn't get as emotional as I did.

And finally, that ending just cemented my love for Vin for the rest of my life, I keep coming back to her last words over and over again because I just find it so beautiful and comforting. I don't know other ways to express how much I love her, she's just the best thing about this trilogy, she's such an inspiration and she gives me so much happiness and hope just by reading her story.

"You created the thing that can kill you, Ruin, Vin said. And you just made one huge final mistake. You shouldn’t have killed Elend. You see, he was the only reason I had left to live."

ELEND. I cannot believe I used to hate this man. I legit hope that I spent more time appreciating how great and solid of a character he is. Just like his wife, I think Elend has gone through amazing transformation personality wise, and I really enjoyed reading about his growth (and my growth too, lol, because I went from hating him for being the new leader of Luthadel after Kelsier died, to liking him in Book 2, and now after reading that ending, I'm a raging fan of his).

Also, to think that my criticism of the first book is the Vin-Elend romance 🤡🤡🤡, but now I think it is one of the best romance in fantasy, because of the trust they have for each other (i mean... self development whooooo??!! lol). Even though, yes, some may say that their relationship is lacking in passion, but for me personally, it just feels refreshing to read about romance without reading multiple sex scenes, especially in the setting that this story takes place in, where the world is quite literally coming to an end. The fact that their fates ended so tragically, but also so in a way that is so beautiful (in that Epilogue after Sazed had put Elend back together), I think that has got to be what got me sobbing reading that ending. Their sacrifices for the preservation of the world. Just imagining them laying there lifeless, side by side, knowing what they've gone through, I get teary eyed just thinking about it. I would even go as far as to say that their romance is one of the best things about this book, for me personally. I'm a sucker for tragic love stories and theirs ranks pretty high for the most tragic love story, for me. I love it, I'm obsessed with it, if my SO doesn't love, support and trust me like Elend did Vin, and if I can't love, support and trust him like Vin did Elend, I don't want it. I mean just look at the material:

"He looked across the cabin at her, sitting on the bed, expression distant as she thought about things that shouldn’t have to be her burden. Even after leaping about all night, even after their days spent traveling, even with her face dirtied by ash, she was beautiful. At that moment, Elend realized something. Vin didn’t need another person worshipping her. She didn’t need another faithful believer like Demoux, especially not in Elend. He didn’t need to be a good member of the Church of the Survivor. He needed to be a good husband."

"It seemed a flimsy ruse to her. And yet, she knew that was because she could see Elend’s confusion, could read his lies in his eyes. She understood him, as he understood her. It was an understanding that required love. And she suspected that was something that Ruin would never be able to comprehend."

I mean, if I can't communicate via telepathy with my partner like that, I don't want it.

But back to Elend, I really like reading about his growth through him progressing his morals and political ideologies. Throughout all of his changes, since he was just an heir to the most powerful house in Luthadel, to him becoming a Mitborn and an Emperor, one thing about him doesn't change, and it's that he's a good person who wants to help and make things better for people. He dreaded that he'd become the next Lord Ruler, because he truly just wanted to be a good leader who wants what's best for his people, very much the opposite of the Lord Ruler. And that moment when he realizes that he had to be someone that he doesn't like, because being an emperor is never something that he ever wished to be, but he knows he had to be that in order to help the world to be better since the circumstances around him requires him to. Since he had previously tried to be a good and idealist leader but then is voted out of his leadership by the very people he chose to lead alongside him, and with the laws he himself made, and then the leadership title goes to someone else with nefarious intentions, and threaten the well being of his people, which made him think that he had failed as a leader that way. So he was stuck in this place where he's forced to be someone he hated being, but he's doing it for the well being of the rest of the world, how can you not sympathize with him for that?

"“What kind of monsters are we?” Fatren asked in a hushed tone. “The kind we have to be,” Elend said."

"He looked out over the blackened canal waters. “It doesn’t control me, Vin. I don’t agree with most of the things the Lord Ruler did. I’m just coming to understand him—and that understanding worries me.” She saw questions in his eyes, but also strengths. He looked down and met her eyes. “I can hold this throne only because I know that at one point, I was willing to give it up in the name of what was right. If I ever lose that, Vin, you need to tell me. All right?” Vin nodded. Elend looked back at the horizon again. What is it he hopes to see? Vin thought. “There has to be a balance, Vin,” he said. “Somehow, we’ll find it. The balance between whom we wish to be and whom we need to be.” He sighed. “But for now,” he said, nodding to the side, “we simply have to be satisfied with who we are.”

It must be one of the hardest things to do, to go against your wishes, ideologies and moral values for a very selfless reason. For that, Elend deserves the title of the best leader, and I truly respect him for that.

His last speech before he went outside the cavern to fight the Koloss, even in his last moments he was inspiring others to make sacrifices for the survival of other people, when he himself knew that he'll die in that battle, once again just proves that he was a great leader and an amazing human being. I truly hope I spent more time appreciating and cherishing him and Vin since Book 1, and I will surely do that every time I reread this trilogy.

SAZED. I love him so much, so reading this book is hard sometimes, especially the chapters with his POVs. He was severely depressed, and honestly, I relate so hard, like it resonated with me so much and that is why it is hard to read lol. But also, it's even worse because we have come to know and love him as this amazing wise man, who's so passionate about his work, and so you know how when your loved one gets sick, it hurts and saddens you more than when you yourself get sick? Yeah, it's like that for me with Sazed. He was the one who gives advice to everyone in the crew, the one who's hopeful, and now he had become the opposite of that; he doesn't have hope, and he's the one who needs advice from others in the crew (and I have to mention also that it's so heartwarming and wholesome how almost everyone in the crew stepped up for him and tried to help him in one way or another). It's so crushing to read, especially as a fan, like I've been a raging fan and hyping him up since book 1.

However, you'll never know pure joy and satisfaction without knowing hardship first, and after all that Sazed had gone through in this book, after knowing him to be the most selfless, pure and kindhearted person who lifts up others around him, to find out that he was always destined to be the Hero of Ages, it's like one of those rare moments when the DVD logo hits the corner, it's like when the math formula makes sense to you, it's like when the little plastic containers fit into your drawer perfectly; IT FELT SO SATISFYING. I mean, because it just makes sense, and it fits him so much. He IS the Hero of Ages and I feel like he is the one who's most deserving of that title, no offense to Vin, because I really do love her to shreds, and she is also a hero, both her and Elend are heroes, after what they did for the survival of the world, but they're not the hero that is meant to last forever, because my babies deserve peace, and I'm so glad that it's what they get, even if it's in their deaths.

Also, the title just fits Sazed so much better since he has all of that knowledge about other religions and so I feel he's better equipped for the job, and he did a marvelous job of making the world a better place in the end. But you know what kills me, is that when he realized that he is the Hero of Ages, he was immediately in denial, saying that he's no hero and even the first words he'd written in the book he left for Spook is "Unfortunately, I am the Hero of Ages". I mean, excuse me Sir, what do you mean unfortunately? We're all honored and grateful to have you as the Hero of Ages.

Even though it was hard to read and it makes me cry multiple times, reading Sazed's journey in this book is just something I'm really grateful for, because it gives me so much hope, and just like when I read about Kaladin finding hope and meaning in The Stormlight Archives books, their stories inspire me so much. I really appreciate Brandon Sanderson so much for making these kinds of stories and including the representation of depression in his epic fantasy books, because to me, a person battling depression who's reading about a depressed character overcoming their depression and helping other people, and being something larger than life in their stories, it's nothing if not inspiring hope.

SPOOK. The Survivor of the Flames. I've been rooting for him since he was just an incoherent and shy little teenage boy tailing his old uncle around in Book 1. If you'd told me two books ago that this shy little guy who awkwardly tried to court Vin but get rejected, would turn into this bad-ass young man with extremely heightened senses who would save a city by going into a burning building and getting the water to flow through the water canals and thus extinguishing the fires that were destroying the city, I would say that is so awesome and I'd read these books faster to get to that point, because I always knew that he's meant for greatness.

To say that I love him would be an understatement, I feel like I'm his Mom, like I gave birth to him and I am so incredibly proud of how he turned out to be in this book, and I was also so protective of him. Yes, I mothered the hell out of him in this book, and when I found out that the voice in his head is definitely not Kelsier, I was yelling for him to not listen to that voice anymore. Reading that part when he was being manipulated by Ruin stressed me the fuck out. And when he struggles while flirting with Beldre, I was screaming for them to just kiss and make it official. I was so protective of him and their relationship, because after what happened to Sazed and Tindwyl in book 2, I just don't have a lot of faith in Brandon Sanderson to let these two to end up happily together, and I am so happy to be proven wrong by the ending.

We need to discuss that "Lestibourne" flashback scene, because when I get to that chapter, I legit had to put the book down and scream into a pillow.

"“You have a name, boy?” Spook opened his mouth, then stopped. His old name didn’t seem like it would do any more. “Lestibournes,” he finally said. The old man didn’t bat an eye. Later, Kelsier would decide that Lestibournes was too difficult to say, and name him “Spook” instead. Spook never did figure out whether or not Clubs knew how to speak Eastern street slang. Even if he did, Spook doubted that he’d understand the reference. Lestibournes. Lefting I’m born.Street slang for “I’ve been abandoned.””

It fucking hurts my soul, because he's my sweet baby boy, he didn't deserve to get hurt like that, especially when he was so little. It's been awhile since I last felt pain like the one I felt when I was reading that scene, and it was when I read The Kite Runner (if you know, you know). It made me also very grateful for Kelsier to give him the name Spook, because I think Kelsier must know the meaning behind the name Lestibourne, even when no one else in the crew knew, including Spook's own uncle, Clubs, and I think Kelsier truly cared for Spook that's why he gave him the name, which also just makes me love Kelsier more.

Spook also struggles with insecurity issues in this book, which breaks my heart every time. He'd assumed that he had joined the crew by default because his uncle was in the crew and he worked with his uncle, he believed that Kelsier would never willingly choose him to be in his crew if it wasn't for his uncle. And add to that the fact that he had left his uncle to die in Book 2, there's no wonder why my guy was so insecure and felt guilty AF. But to find out that he had been kind of inflicting abuse on himself by burning Tin nonstop to the point where his senses are so heightened that he had to cover his eyes with cloth in daylight, because he was so desperate to be useful and to prove his worth, it pains me. But in the end, he really did prove his worth, and he did help and save so many people in that city and the world by sending that message to Vin. And in that ending note in the book from Sazed,

"You did well. Know that the message you sent via Captain Goradel saved us all, in the end. The people will need leadership in the years to come. Likely, they will look to you. I’m sorry that I cannot be there in person to help you, but know that I am . . . about. I have made you Mistborn, and healed the damage you did to your body by flaring tin so much. I hope you don’t mind. It was Kelsier’s request, actually. Consider it a parting gift from him. Watch over them for me."

And before that, in the "dream" he had before he woke up after he survived the fire, and I think it's Kelsier that was speaking to him;

"“. . . And that's why you absolutely must get that message sent, Spook. The pieces of this thing are all spinning about, cast to the wind. You have a clue that nobody else does. Send it flying for me.” Spook nodded, feeling fuzzy. Where was he? What was going on? And why, suddenly, did everything hurt so much? “Good lad. You did well, Spook. I’m proud.”"

I'm so happy that in the end, Spook knows that Kelsier did in fact choose him and cared for him, and most of all, that he's proud of him. But, maybe it's Clubs who's talking to him in that "dream" of his? Either way, in the end Spook earned the approval from Kelsier, and he has Beldre, AND he's the new leader of this new world that Sazed created. I'm so happy for him, and I would legit read his own trilogy if BS ever feels like making it, whether it's about his life before he was in Kelsier's crew or about how he leads the new world, I would read it, no bullshit. I just love him so freaking much.

Btw, if Lestibournes is not his name and Spook was given to him by Kelsier, then what is his birth name????

MARSH. Hey, do you remember in the last review for the Well of Ascension when I was like...

Well, that turned out well, didn't it?

Why oh why did I become so invested in these characters when I KNOW they won't be alright and it'll hurt me tremendously? I never learn, and that's exactly why I continue to get hurt reading my beloved characters being killed off or tortured or in this case, being controlled by a powerful evil force and getting an unclear ending. I'm such a 🤡🤡🤡. Of course I had googled to find out what happens to Marsh after this book, and it seems that he's alive millenniums after that ending and he appears in the next trilogy which is set in the next era, but I mean, it would have been nice if this book has also mentions that he is alive after that battle with Vin.

However I'm glad that at least he got enough control of himself to help Vin by ripping out Vin's earring so that the mist/Preservation can transfer its powers to Vin. I'm glad that he knew that he'd made Mare proud, that he didn't give up this time.

Also, we need to talk about this quote:

"In the distance, down the slope, a solitary figure pushed resolutely through the ash. The man wore a pack and led an exhausted horse. Who is this? Marsh thought, looking closer. The man had the build of a soldier, with a square face and balding head, his jaw bearing several days’ worth of beard. Whoever he was, he had an impressive determination. Few people would brave the mists—yet this man not only walked through them, but forged his way through ash that was as high as his chest. The man’s uniform was stained black, as was his skin. Dark . . . ashen . . . Beautiful."

It's kinda giving me bi vibes from Marsh. Is he bi? Because I NEED TO KNOW. Too bad he killed Captain Goradel so brutally. They'd make a cute couple, I think.

HAM & BREEZE. I feel like we get so little of them both in this book, but I understand since this book is the last of the trilogy and Brando Sando has to fit a lot to answer so many questions. However, what little we have of these two is such a welcome refreshment from all the tension that's been going on in this book since start to finish. I'd just like to take a moment to appreciate these two fine men.

So here are my favorite moments of these two:

"Beside them, Ham was chuckling. Vin turned. “What?” “Ah, Vin,” Ham said, leaning back and folding his muscular arms, “when did you go and grow up on me? It seems like just last week you were scrambling about, hiding in corners, wearing the haircut of a boy and the attitude of a mouse.” Vin smiled fondly. “Do you remember when we first met? You thought I was a twixt.” Ham nodded. “Breeze nearly fainted dead away when he found we’d been talking with a Mistborn all that time! Honestly, Vin. Sometimes I can’t believe that you were that same frightened girl Kelsier brought into the crew.” “It has been five years, Ham. I’m twenty-one now.” “I know,” Ham said, sighing. “You’re like my own children, adults before I had time to know them as kids. In fact, I probably know you and El better than I know any of them . . .”"

"“A king doesn’t have to please anyone,” Cett snapped. “He’s the one with the army—that means other people have to please him.” “Actually,” Ham said, rubbing his chin, “that theory can’t be true. A king has to please somebody—after all, even if he intended to force everyone to do what he said, he’d still have to at least please his army. But then, I guess if the army is pleased simply by being allowed to push people around, you might have an argument . . .” Ham trailed off, looking thoughtful, and Cett scowled. “Does everything have to be some damn logic puzzle to you?” he demanded. Ham just continued to rub his chin."

"“Have fun dancing with our enemies,” Ham said as Vin hopped from the boat, then Pushed herself up through the mists. Elend waved farewell, Pushing himself into the air as well. As he shot away, his tin-enhanced ears heard Ham’s voice talking to Cett. “So . . . you can’t go anywhere unless someone carries you, right?” the Thug asked. Cett grunted. “Well then,” Ham said, sounding very pleased. “I’ve got quite a number of philosophical puzzles you might enjoy. . . .”"

"“Ham,” he said, glancing down. “Is this right?” Ham shrugged. “This move does make sense, El,” he said, rubbing his chin. “Attacking is our only real chance of saving Vin. And, we can’t hold the siege—not any longer.” Ham paused, then shook his head, his tone of voice taking on that uncertain quality it always did when he considered one of his logic problems. “Yet, loosing a group of koloss on a city does seem immoral. I wonder if you’ll be able to control them, once they begin to rampage. Is saving Vin worth the possibility of killing even one innocent child? I don’t know. Then again, maybe we’ll save more children by bringing them into our empire. . . .” I shouldn’t have bothered to ask Ham, Elend thought. He never has been able to give a straight answer. He looked out over the field, blue koloss against a plain of black. With tin, he could see men cowering on the tops of the Fadrex City ridges. “No,” Ham said. Elend glanced down at the Thug. “No,” Ham repeated. “We shouldn’t attack.” “Ham?” Elend said, feeling a surreal amusement. “Did you actually come to a conclusion?” Ham nodded. “Yes.” He didn’t offer explanation or rationalization."

I'm so happy that in the end Ham is reunited with his family after such a long time, and that Breeze has Allrieanne. Both of them also have grown into better men than when we first met them in Book 1, I think. It's such a subtle growth but it's there, with Breeze being more caring towards others and Ham able to come to a conclusion for a philosophic question. They're great supporting characters and I'll miss them.

YOMEN & QUELLION. They both make good villains, in different ways. I find myself agreeing with Quellion's arguments so much, to the point that I suspected him to have read my review of The Final Empire, especially the part where I rant about hating Elend for being the new leader of Luthadel after Kelsier died. Quellion made some excellent arguments and Sazed even confirmed that what he said is true, but I know that Spook is also right because mass killing the noblepeople like he did is not what Kelsier would look kindly upon, after all, he did save Elend.

I like Yomen because he reminds me of old Elend, the idealistic Elend in Book 2, only his loyalty was to the Lord Ruler instead of The Survivor. He was scary to me and I thought he was a mistborn since he can burn Atium, but in the end he helped Elend and Vin a lot. Also, why do I feel that there's some sexual tension going on between Yomen and Elend, I mean when Elend was trying to "distract" him from Vin sneaking into the storage cavern, they were almost cute, I was like are they arguing or are they flirting? And when Elend was having a TMI/Emo moment in this scene:

"“You are an . . . interesting man, Elend Venture,” Yomen finally said. “I’m a bastard,” Elend said. Yomen raised an eyebrow. “In composition, not in temperament or by birth,” Elend said with a smile. “I’m an amalgamation of what I’ve needed to be. Part scholar, part rebel, part nobleman, part Mistborn, and part soldier. Sometimes, I don’t even know myself. I had a devil of a time getting all those pieces to work together. And, just when I’m starting to get it figured out, the world up and ends on me. Ah, here we are.”"

I think they'd make a cute couple, if Vin wasn't in the picture. But don't get me wrong, I'm team Vin-Elend all day everyday. I'm just saying what if...

I love the parallels of Ruin VS Preservation with Raava VS Vaatu in ATLoK, and the Man in Black VS Jacob in Lost TV show, because I love these shows, and now with Brando Sando announcing that they'll be adapting this series into a TV show very soon, as a fan I am very excited and I cannot wait to see this awesome story comes to life, and for everyone else to be as excited as I am to watch the story unfolds. It'll be my reason for living for the next however many years lol.

As much as I love this book, I do have some criticisms…

I personally feel that the redemption that Lord Ruler seems to be getting in this book is very much undeserved, since he had committed unforgivable atrocities in his lifetime, regardless of his efforts that ended up being very helpful for Vin and the crew in saving the world. Two things can be true; The Lord Ruler saved a lot of the population of people by making the storage caches and other actions he'd taken to help Vin and the crew defeat Ruin, and he had committed genocide against the Skaa, among other horrible things. Don't give me that Ruin was influencing him, because look at Spook. Just like we can all agree that Zane's story is tragic, but he still did what he did, and even though we can sympathize with him, in the end we have to judge him for his actions.

Why do the whole kandra race have to be killed? I'm so sad for TenSoon, he's a hero too in this story and that ending with the deaths of all kandra, or the transformation of kandra into mistwraiths is just so sad.

I'm pretty sure that Marsh already knows about hemalurgy and how the Lord Ruler is influencing and controlling people, since he's been controlled by Ruin himself, so Spook's message to Vin didn't really play an important role?

Ruin overlooking the kandra race as a whole seems unbelievable remembering how he had been imprisoned for a thousand years and had planned his release by using and manipulating Vin ever since she was a baby. So, to me he doesn't seem to be the kind who would just overlook or dismiss an important race such as the kandras. Also, it makes him less of a terrifying evil genius that way.

I think that Ruin missing Marsh ripping out Vin's earring seems highly unlikely, since he was controlling him and knows how important that earring is for him in order to beat Vin.

I hate that in the whole trilogy, Vin is the only awesome female character. Tindwyl was good but now she's dead, and Beldre and Allrianne are just kinda there. I get that Beldre played an important part in Spook's storyline, but we didn't get to know more of her other than that she's an allomancer, she was her brother's secret guard/assassin, she's kind and beautiful, and she likes Spook. For me, that's not enough to get me to like her or become invested in her. And Allrianne is just there, what did she do in this book other than follow Breeze along?

I wish BS at least mentions that Marsh is alive after that last battle, so we didn't have to google "What happens to Marsh" after finishing this book. Also, did Sazed ever heal Marsh? I feel like he could have healed him. And did Sazed ever turn Human and all the Koloss back into real human beings? I need answers. I guess I'll find out in the next trilogy, we'll see.

Here are my favourite moments from the book:

Vin & Elend dancing together for the first time at that ball.

Every time Vin fights anyone; Koloss, Inquisitors, Marsh, or Ruin.

When Spook took out that piece of metal from his flesh, and saved Quellion and the whole city population.

When Sazed chose to believe again.

When Sazed found out that he's the Hero of Ages.

The ending when the Spook, Breeze, Ham, general Demoux and everyone else reunites and they found Sazed's book and Vin and Elend laying lifeless side by side, and Sazed's note to Spook tells him that Vin and Elend are happy where they are and that they deserve a rest.

And finally, here are my favorite quotes from the book:

"Vin was not fury. She was not terror. She had grown beyond those things. She had seen Elend die—had held him in her arms as he did—and had known that she had let it happen. Intentionally. And yet, he still lived. Every breath was unexpected, perhaps undeserved. Once, she’d been terrified that she would fail him. But, she had found peace—somehow—in understanding that she couldn’t keep him from risking his life. In understanding that she didn’t want to keep him from risking his life. So, she no longer fought out of fear for the man she loved. Instead, she fought with an understanding. She was a knife—Elend’s knife, the Final Empire’s knife. She didn’t fight to protect one man, but to protect the way of life he had created, and the people he struggled so hard to defend. Peace gave her strength."

"“If you will excuse the observation, Lord Breeze,” Sazed said, “you do not fool me as easily as you believe you do.” Breeze raised an eyebrow. “I know you are a good man,” Sazed said. “You work very hard to hide it. You make a great show of being callous and selfish. Yet, to those watching what you do and not just what you say, you become far more transparent.”"

"“Dark inner secret?” Sazed asked. “That you’re kindhearted?” “It’s an attribute in myself that I’ve worked very hard to discourage,” Breeze said lightly." "Hope, Elend thought forcefully. She needs that from me; she’s always needed that from me. He tightened his grip on her shoulder, then pulled her into an embrace. “We’ll beat it, Vin. We’ll find a way.” She didn’t contradict him, but she obviously wasn’t convinced. Still, she let him hold her, closing her eyes and resting her head against his chest."

"She still worried about him, even though she no longer tried to protect him from all danger. Both her worry and her willingness to let him take risks were part of her love for him. And he sincerely appreciated both."

"The nature of the world is that when we create something, we often destroy something else in the process."

"Elend nodded slowly. “I wish I could have known him. Early in my career, I always compared myself to him. By the time I heard of Kelsier, he was already becoming a legend. It was unfair to force myself to try and be him, but I worried regardless. Anyway, those of you who knew him, maybe you can answer another question for me. What do you think he’d say, if he saw us now?” “He’d be proud,” Ham said immediately. “I mean, we defeated the Lord Ruler, and we built a skaa government.” “What if he saw us at this conference?” Elend said. The tent fell still again. When someone spoke what they were all thinking, it came from a source Vin hadn’t expected. “He’d tell us to laugh more,” Sazed whispered. Breeze chuckled. “He was completely insane, you know. The worse things got, the more he’d joke. I remember how chipper he was the very day after one of our worst defeats, when we lost most of our skaa army to that fool Yeden. Kell walked in, a spring in his step, making one of his inane jokes.”"

"And yet, one harrowing, undeniable fact remained. Mare had been right. She had chosen Kelsier over Marsh. And then, when both men had been forced to deal with her death, one had given up. The other had made her dreams come true."

"“But there’s something more, Vin. I fear I’m becoming like him.” “Who?” “The Lord Ruler.” Vin snorted quietly, pulling closer to him. “This is something he would have done,” Elend said. “Sacrificing his own men for a tactical advantage.” “You explained this to Ham,” Vin said. “We can’t afford to waste time.” “It’s still ruthless,” Elend said. “The problem isn’t that those men died, it’s that I was so willing to make it happen. I feel . . . brutal, Vin. How far will I go to see my goals achieved? I’m marching on another man’s kingdom to take it from him.” “For the greater good.” “That has been the excuse of tyrants throughout all time. I know it. Yet, I press on. This is why I didn’t want to be emperor. This is why I let Penrod take my throne from me back during the siege. I didn’t want to be the kind of leader who had to do things like this. I want to protect, not besiege and kill! But, is there any other way? Everything I do seems like it must be done. Like exposing my own men in the mists. Like marching on Fadrex City. We have to get to that storehouse—it’s the only lead we have that could even possibly give us some clue as to what we’re supposed to do! It all makes such sense. Ruthless, brutal sense.”"

"Most of his life, it seemed that he had been a flake of ash, pushed around by whatever strong wind came his way. He’d gone where people told him to go, done what they’d wanted him to. Even as an Allomancer, Spook had lived his life as a nobody. The others had been great men. Kelsier had organized an impossible revolution. Vin had struck down the Lord Ruler himself. Clubs had led the armies of revolution, becoming Elend’s foremost general. Sazed was a Keeper, and had carried the knowledge of centuries. Breeze had moved waves of people with his clever tongue and powerful Soothing, and Ham was a powerful soldier. But Spook, he had simply watched, not really doing anything. Until the day he ran away, leaving Clubs to die. Spook sighed, looking up. “I just want to be able to help,” he whispered. “You can,” Kelsier’s voice said. “You can be great. Like I was.”"

"He’s a nobleman, Vin thought. He likes the way that the world used to be. It was comfortable. Even skaa fear change. Vin stood. “I’ll tell you why you should care, old man. Because the ash is falling, and soon it will cover up your pretty little city. The mists kill. Earthquakes shake the landscape, and the ashmounts burn hotter and hotter. Change is looming. Eventually, even Yomen won’t be able to ignore it. You hate change. I hate it too. But things can’t stay the same—and that’s well, for when nothing changes in your life, it’s as good as being dead.” She turned to leave."

"Yet, during those months, she had been content. Perhaps more content than any other time in her life. She loved Elend, and was glad life had progressed to the point where she could call him husband, but there had been a delicious innocence about her early days with the crew. Dances spent with Elend reading at her table, pretending to ignore her. Nights spent learning the secrets of Allomancy. Evenings spent sitting around the table at Clubs’s shop, sharing laughter with the crew. They’d faced the challenge of planning something as large as the fall of an empire, yet felt no burden of leadership or weight of responsibility for the future. Somehow, she had grown into a woman in between the fall of kings and collapse of worlds. Once she had been terrified of change. Then she had been terrified of losing Elend. Now her fears were more nebulous—worries of what would come after she was gone, worries of what would happen to the people of the empire if she failed to divine the secrets she sought."

"“Yomen is a believer,” Slowswift said. “That may be a weakness; it may be a strength. Believers are often willing to attempt the seemingly impossible, then count on providence to see them through.” He paused, glancing at Vin. “That sort of behavior can be a weakness if the belief is misplaced.”"

"“Well, then,” he said. “Let’s do it.” “What?” Vin asked. “Save the world,” Elend said. “Stop the ash.” Vin snorted quietly. “You make it sound like a joke.” “No, I’m serious,” he said, standing. “If this is what you feel you must do—what you feel that you are—then let’s do it. I’ll help however I can.” “What about your speech before?” Vin said. “In the last storage cavern—you talked about division of labor. Me working on the mists, you working on uniting the empire.” “I was wrong.” Vin smiled, and suddenly Elend felt as if the world had been put back together just a bit."

"“Elend, I had to realize that I could be both people—the Mistborn of the streets and the woman of the court. I had to acknowledge that the new person I’m becoming is a valid extension of who I am. But for you, it’s opposite! You have to realize that who you were is still a valid part of you. That person makes silly comments, and does things just to provoke a reaction. But, he’s also lovable and kindhearted. You can’t lose those things just because you’re emperor.”"

"“You had things to learn,” Vin said. “Like I did. But, please don’t become someone else, Elend. You can be both Elend the emperor and Elend the man.” He smiled deeply, then pulled her close, pausing their dance. “Thank you,” he said, then kissed her. She could tell that he hadn’t made his decision yet—he still thought that he needed to be more of a hard warrior than a kind scholar. However, he was thinking. That was enough, at the moment. Vin looked up into his eyes, and they returned to the dance. Neither spoke; they simply let the wonder of the moment hold them. It was a surreal experience for Vin. Their army was outside, the ash was falling perpetually, and the mists were killing people. Yet, inside this room of white marble and sparkling colors, she danced with the man she loved for the first time."

"“Elend, you don’t have to help me. You can’t help me. I love you, but you’re just not as good at this as I am. I can take care of myself, but I need to know that I won’t have to take care of you, too. If anything goes wrong—or, if things go right, but the building goes on alert—I want you to get out. I’ll meet you at the camp.” “And if you get into trouble?” Elend said. Vin smiled. “Trust me.” He paused, then nodded. Trusting her was one thing he could obviously do—something he’d always done."

"“Do you know why I dislike men like you, Venture?” Yomen finally asked. “My insufferable charm and wit?” Elend asked. “I doubt it’s my good looks—but, compared to that of an obligator, I suppose even my face could be enviable.” Yomen’s expression darkened. “How did a man like you ever end up at a table of negotiation?” “I was trained by a surly Mistborn, a sarcastic Terrisman, and a group of disrespectful thieves,” Elend said, sighing. “Plus, on top of that, I was a fairly insufferable person to begin with. But, kindly continue with your insult—I didn’t mean to interrupt.”"

"Vin looked up into his eyes, and they returned to the dance. Neither spoke; they simply let the wonder of the moment hold them. It was a surreal experience for Vin. Their army was outside, the ash was falling perpetually, and the mists were killing people. Yet, inside this room of white marble and sparkling colors, she danced with the man she loved for the first time. They both spun with the grace of Allomancy, stepping as if on the wind, moving as if made of mist. The room grew hushed, the nobility like a theater audience, watching some grand performance, not two people who hadn’t danced in years. And yet, Vin knew it was wonderful, something that had rarely been seen. Most noble Mistborn couldn’t afford to appear too graceful, lest they give away their secret powers. Vin and Elend had no such inhibitions. They danced as if to make up for the four years lost, as if to throw their joy in the face of an apocalyptic world and a hostile city. The song began to wind down. Elend pulled her against him, and her tin let her feel his heartbeat so close. It was beating far more swiftly than a simple dance could account for."

""It all returned to her. Things she thought she’d banished into the dark, quarantined parts of her mind: blows from Reen’s hand, harsh criticism from his tongue, furtive moves from city to city. And yet, tempering these memories was an insight. She was no longer the young girl who had borne her beatings in confused silence. Looking back, she could see the fear Reen had shown in the things he had done. He’d been terrified that his half-breed Allomancer of a sister would be discovered and slaughtered by the Steel Inquisitors. He’d beaten her when she made herself stand out. He’d yelled at her when she was too competent. He’d moved her when he’d feared that the Canton of Inquisition had caught their trail. Reen had died protecting her. He had taught her paranoia and distrust out of a twisted sense of duty, for he’d believed that was the only way she would survive on the streets of the Final Empire. And, she’d stayed with him, enduring the treatment. Inside—not even buried all that deeply—she’d known something very important. Reen had loved her. She looked up and met the eyes of the man standing in the cavern. Then, she slowly shook her head. No, she thought. It looks like him, but those eyes are not his.""

"“You are my enemy. You seek to end the things I love.” And is an ending always bad? it asked. Must not all things, even worlds, someday end? “There is no need to hasten that end,” Vin said. “No reason to force it.” All things are subject to their own nature, Vin, Ruin said, seeming to flow around her. She could feel its touch upon her—wet and delicate, like mist. You cannot blame me for being what I am. Without me, nothing would end. Nothing could end. And therefore, nothing could grow. I am life. Would you fight life itself? Vin fell silent. Do not mourn because the day of this world’s end has arrived, Ruin said. That end was ordained the very day of the world’s conception. There is a beauty in death—the beauty of finality, the beauty of completion. For nothing is truly complete until the day it is finally destroyed."

"“Is this what she’d want of you, Sazed?” Breeze said. “To deny who you are? To become yet another stuffy politician?” “I do not know, Lord Breeze,” Sazed said softly. “I . . . I don’t have her anymore. And so, perhaps, I can remember her by being involved in what she loved.” “Sazed,” Breeze said frankly, “how is it you can be so wise in so many areas, yet be so completely stupid about this?” “I . . .” “A man is what he has passion about,” Breeze said. “I’ve found that if you give up what you want most for what you think you should want more, you’ll just end up miserable.” “And if what I want isn’t what society needs?” Sazed said. “Sometimes, we just have to do what we don’t enjoy. That is a simple fact of life, I think.” Breeze shrugged. “I don’t worry about that. I just do what I’m good at. In my case, that’s making other people do things that I don’t want to. It all fits together, in the end.”"

"What good was killing another monster if it was just replaced by two more? What good was food to feed his people if the ash just smothered everything anyway? What good was he, an emperor who couldn’t even defend the people of a single village?"

"Elend had never lusted for power. He’d been a theorist and a scholar—ruling an empire had mostly been an academic exercise for him. Yet, as he fought on that dark night in the burning mists and falling ash, he began to understand. As people died around him despite his most frenzied efforts, he could see what would drive men for more and more power. Power to protect. At that moment, he would have accepted the powers of godhood, if it would mean having the strength to save the people around him."

"“Faith,” Spook said, “means that it doesn’t matter what happens. You can trust that somebody is watching. Trust that somebody will make it all right.” Sazed frowned. “It means that there will always be a way,” Spook whispered, staring forward, eyes glazed, as if seeing things that Sazed could not. Yes, Sazed thought. That is what I have lost. And it’s what I need to get back."

"“This work I do, it’s about passion, Vin. It’s about dynamic events; it’s about change! That is why you and your Elend are so important to me. People with passion are people who will destroy—for a man’s passion is not true until he proves how much he’s willing to sacrifice for it. Will he kill? Will he go to war? Will he break and discard that which he has, all in the name of what he needs?”"

"“You couldn’t create it yourself, could you?” Vin asked. “The world, life. You can’t create, you can only destroy.” “He couldn’t create either,” Ruin said. “He could only preserve. Preservation is not creation.” “And so you worked together,” Vin said. “Both with a promise,” Ruin said. “My promise was to work with him to create you—life that thinks, life that loves.” “And his promise?” Vin asked, fearing that she knew the answer. “That I could destroy you eventually,” Ruin said softly. “And I have come to claim what was promised me. The only point in creating something is to watch it die. Like a story that must come to a climax, what I have done will not be fulfilled until the end has arrived.”"

"Elend had worried that he was becoming another Lord Ruler, but his concern had always seemed flawed to Vin. He hadn’t been the one to conquer and reforge an empire, she had. She’d been the one who made the other kings submit. She’d done exactly as the Lord Ruler had. A Hero had risen up, and the Lord Ruler had killed him, then taken the power of the Well of Ascension. Vin had killed the Lord Ruler, then taken that same power. She’d given up the power, true, but she’d filled the same role. It all came to a head. The reason why the skaa worshipping her, calling her their savior, felt so wrong. Suddenly, her real role in it all seemed to snap into place. “I’m not the Survivor’s Heir, Yomen,” she said sickly. “I’m the Lord Ruler’s.”"

"He glanced upward. The ceiling was of wood, but red sunlight—refracted by the window—sprayed across it. “Why?” he whispered. “Why leave me like this? I studied everything about you. I learned the religions of five hundred different peoples and sects. I taught about you when other men had given up a thousand years before. “Why leave me without hope, when others can have faith? Why leave me to wonder? Shouldn’t I be more certain than any other? Shouldn’t my knowledge have protected me?” And yet, his faith had made him even more susceptible. That’s what trust is, Sazed thought. It’s about giving someone else power over you. Power to hurt you. That’s why he’d given up his metalminds. That’s why he had decided to sort through the religions one at a time, trying to find one that had no faults. Nothing to fail him. It just made sense. Better to not believe, rather than be proven wrong. Sazed looked back down. Why did he think to talk to the heavens? There was nothing there. There never had been."

"And yet, how could they understand? Sazed closed his eyes tight, feeling a pair of tears squeeze from the corners. How could anyone understand the pain of a faith betrayed? He had believed. And yet, when he had needed hope the most, he had found only emptiness." "Belief . . . He remembered a voice from the past. His own voice, speaking to Vin on that terrible day after Kelsier’s death. Belief isn’t simply a thing for fair times and bright days, I think. What is belief—what is faith—if you don’t continue in it after failure. . . . How innocent he had been. Better to trust and be betrayed, Kelsier seemed to whisper. It had been one of the Survivor’s mottos. Better to love and be hurt."

"Finally, he thought with relief as she grabbed the first spike. Whatever I did . . . it worked. Somehow. He felt Ruin’s rage, felt his master realizing his mistake. In the end, Marsh had mattered. In the end, Marsh hadn’t given up. He’d done Mare proud."

"Why did they believe? Because they saw miracles. Things one man took as chance, a man of faith took as a sign. A loved one recovering from disease, a fortunate business deal, a chance meeting with a long lost friend. It wasn’t the grand doctrines or the sweeping ideals that seemed to make believers out of men. It was the simple magic in the world around them."

"But, that was how things often went, it seemed. Some important decisions were made on a battlefield or in a conference room. But others happened quietly, unseen by others. That didn’t make the decision any less important to Sazed. He would believe. Not because something had been proven to him beyond his ability to deny. But because he chose to."

"Life, Vin said. You said that the only reason to create something was so that you could destroy it. She hovered beside Elend, watching him fight. The deaths of the koloss should have pained her. Yet, she did not think of the death. Perhaps it was the influence of Preservation’s power, but she saw only a man, struggling, fighting, even when hope seemed impossible. She didn’t see death, she saw life. She saw faith. We create things to watch them grow, Ruin, she said. To take pleasure in seeing that which we love become more than it was before. You said that you were invincible—that all things break apart. All things are Ruined. But there are things that fight against you—and the ironic part is, you can’t even understand those things. Love. Life. Growth. The life of a person is more than the chaos of its passing. Emotion, Ruin. This is your defeat."

"For a moment, he was embraced by something greater. He looked up, toward the sun. And he saw—just briefly—an enormous figure in the air just above him. A shifting, brilliant personage of pure white. Her hands held to his shoulders with her head thrown back, white hair streaming, mist flaring behind her like wings that stretched across the sky. Vin, he thought with a smile."

"Vin floated above Elend’s body, looking down. She reached out with incorporeal fingers, touching his head, remembering how it had felt to use her power to fuel his Allomancy. She didn’t know what she had done. Something akin to what Ruin did when it controlled the koloss, perhaps. Only opposite. Liberating. Serene. Elend was dead. She knew that, and knew that there was nothing she could do. That brought pain, true, but not the pain she had expected. I let him go long ago, she thought, stroking his face. At the Well of Ascension. Allomancy brought him back to me for a time. She didn’t feel the pain or terror that she had known before, when she’d thought him dead. This time, she felt only peace. These last few years had been a blessing—an extension. She’d given Elend up to be his own man, to risk himself as he wished, and perhaps to die. She would always love him. But she would not cease to function because he was gone. The opposite, perhaps."

"Preservation could never destroy you! she thought, almost screaming it against the agony. He could only protect. That’s why he needed to create humankind. All along, Ruin, this was part of his plan! He didn’t give up part of himself, making himself weaker, simply so that he could create intelligent life! He knew he needed something of both Preservation and of Ruin. Something that could both protect and destroy. Something that could destroy to protect. He gave up his power at the Well, and into the mists, giving it to us so that we could take it. He always intended this to happen. You think this was your plan? It was his. His all along. Ruin cried out. Still, she drove on. You created the thing that can kill you, Ruin, Vin said. And you just made one huge final mistake. You shouldn’t have killed Elend. You see, he was the only reason I had left to live."

"Spook froze as he caught sight of a bit of color in the grass. He held up a hand, warning the others, and they stepped forward more quietly. There, in the center of the grass, was a field of . . . somethings. Colorful somethings, growing from the ground, with tops like bright-colored leaves. They were shaped like upside-down bells, with long straight stalks, the petals at the top open toward the sun. As if reaching for its light and gaping to drink it in. “Beautiful . . .” Beldre whispered. Spook stepped forward, moving among the plants. Flowers, he thought, recognizing them from the picture Vin had carried. Kelsier’s dream finally came true."

"He opened it, reading the first page. I am, unfortunately, the Hero of Ages, read the delicate, careful letters. Spook thought he recognized the handwriting. As he flipped through the book, a slip of paper fell free. Spook picked it up—one side had a faded drawing of a flower, the very picture he’d been thinking about moments before. On the other side was a note scrawled in the same handwriting as the book. Spook, it read. I tried to bring them back, but apparently fixing the bodies doesn’t return the souls. I will get better at this with time, I expect. However, be assured that I have spoken with our friends, and they are quite happy where they are. They deserve a rest, I think."

"You did well. Know that the message you sent via Captain Goradel saved us all, in the end. The people will need leadership in the years to come. Likely, they will look to you. I’m sorry that I cannot be there in person to help you, but know that I am . . . about. I have made you Mistborn, and healed the damage you did to your body by flaring tin so much. I hope you don’t mind. It was Kelsier’s request, actually. Consider it a parting gift from him. Watch over them for me."

I had so much beautiful time reading this trilogy, and like I said before and I'll say it a million more times, this story will stay with me for a really long time and I will never shut up about it. Despite its flaws, this trilogy is one of the best I've ever read, and saying goodbye to it is bittersweet. I will most definitely do rereads of this trilogy in the future and I can't wait to visit this magical world again when I read the next trilogy of this series and the novellas.

But, until then...

PLOT - ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

WRITING STYLE - ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

ENTERTAINMENT LEVEL- ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

BOOK COVER DESIGN - ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

OVERALL BOOK RATING - ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

[todisturbtheuniverse]

so i inexplicably dove into reading New Canon sometime at the end of last year. it was Leia that really kicked it off. i’d been reading various books as they appealed to me--The Force Awakens and Rogue One novelizations about when they came out, A New Dawn right after Rebels wrapped up, Dark Disciple because Thom was like, “you’re going to like this for x, y, and z reasons and be mad at it for a very big reason.” (and boy was he correct.) after reading Leia i decided, okay, fine, clearly we’re rebooting that time when i was 13 years old and scouring the Barnes and Noble for all the EU books i could find, let’s fucking do this proper.

and damn. it was worth it to get to Thrawn. more blathering, not at all cohesive, and containing spoilers and references to various New Canon books ahead...

my huge hesitance about doing New Canon proper was the, uh. glut of Empire-POV books that i saw on our shelf. (we’ve been buying them for a good six-eight months now to make sure they were all available to us whenever we wanted to dive in.) there was something unnerving about that. i got hit with Lords of the Sith and Tarkin pretty much at the outset of my little jaunt, which was rough at times.

i’m of two minds about these books. i mean, 1) i am definitely interested in anything that gives us more of a look about Vader’s headspace post-lava incident, however narrow. The Clone Wars sold me on Anakin Skywalker in a way no movie has ever managed to, both in making him more interesting and likeable to me and in making his fall seem so much more plausible (don’t get me started on how i would restructure the prequels). so getting a look behind that weird faceplate--finally--is bloody and Very Bad but also interesting. he remembers Ahsoka in Lords of the Sith. he remembers Rex. he thinks on these things, as if he can’t stop himself.

but 2) there’s only so much, ah. rooting. that you can do for the Empire. obviously. i think i’m safe in assuming that’s not the point of these books (and indeed Lords of the Sith gives us a nice look at the early Free Ryloth movement to root for and a truly absurd goal for them to accomplish, so there’s that), but i find myself wondering what the point of these books are. for all that Tarkin cut such an imposing figure (and still does, definitely) my cynicism can’t let me believe that he was more than a good plot tool rather than a particularly complex character--i doubt all this stuff about Tarkin’s backstory, which comes up in the novel, was ever in Lucas’s dizziest daydreams. but i sure got treated to a lot of Weird Tarkin Backstory in Tarkin. is it necessary? is it relevant? i’m having a hard time figuring out how.

but again, the bit of fun i had with this book? it was in Tarkin’s interactions with Vader. specifically his musing on the identity of the creepy fellow in the weird armor, who certainly shares some qualities with Anakin Skywalker. The Clone Wars revealed that Anakin had actually known Tarkin, before the fun trip to the lava seaside. it stands to reason that Tarkin, who at the very least was hailed as Scary As Shit and Good At His Job at the time of the original trilogy, would put some clues together.

so that’s...interesting. maybe its own purpose was to be interesting, idk. i’m probably overthinking what is clearly an enormous cash grab by Disney, or something.

all this to say: this was the kind of Empire-POV stuff i was having a hard time thinking i could get into. because they’re just Evil doing Evil. Vader might think about Ahsoka on rare occasion but he’s not going to stop force-choking people because of it. that redemption ship doesn’t come into harbor for a fair bit.

and then. we get Thrawn.

as i mentioned way up there, there was a time after i’d first discovered Star Wars that i perused high and low for the Extra Content. i think one of the first things i came across (bearing in mind that the EU was not supremely organized or continuous or anything) was the Thrawn trilogy. being that this was nearly fifteen years ago and i haven’t reread them since, all i really remember is that Mara Jade is The Best, Thrawn was a villain like no other villain my child self had come across, and i loved them. a reread is probably in order and will maybe disappoint me, or so i always thought, until Timothy Zahn threw Thrawn and Alliances at me and said, take that, i’ve still got it.

Thrawn sort of gets into some of the same traps as Tarkin, except that they felt way less like traps because i was interested in how Thrawn comes to be part of the Empire. that was always part of what made him interesting, to me; he’s somehow a Grand Admiral, has risen through all those ranks, even though he’s not human. so even though we take these little leaps of backstory through years of Thrawn’s early existence in Imperial space, and it feels like we take a lot of time to catch up to the actual plot--it’s neat as hell, because we’re seeing the Empire through the eyes of not one, but two people who are outsiders to it. and yet, simultaneously have to exist inside it.

it’s so easy to generalize the Empire as this grayish blob of evil. many of the random crew and deck officers in Rebels don’t even have distinguishing facial features; i’ve heard Liam O’Brien’s voice come out of an awful lot of them, with the brims of their caps pulled low over their eyes, their faces cast in an odd grayish light that seems to wash the life from them.

it is evil. it is definitely, definitely evil. but there are so many people in it--people like Eli Vanto, the second individual referenced above--who are just existing in it, trying to make the best of it, because they have no real options (or power) to do anything else. some of these people Get Out and join the rebellion, or just Get Out and vanish, but not many of them have the resources to do that, and that’s the look that, to me, gives this grayish obelisk of evil some kind of complexity worth looking at.

and then Alliances. the neat past-present switch that juxtaposes Anakin/Vader, Mitth'raw'nuruodo/Thrawn. i loved that shit. it showed more new stuff about Vader, probably reminded me of all the reasons i was fascinated by Thrawn as a kid even if i can’t really remember, and best of all, delighted me with various instances of Thrawn just. flat out. trolling. Vader. and not dying. imagine! all these not-at-all-subtle hints that Thrawn knows exactly who Vader is under that mask and the entire book Vader just keeps thinking, no. even this asshole. this tactical genius. cannot possibly know my true identity. it’s impossible. The Jedi is dead. 

(that was another cool thing, btw. Zahn really took how Vader thinks and elevated the shit out of it. having him always refer to his past self as The Jedi was very effective.)

all these dueling loyalties come out to get real ugly on the surface: Thrawn, having sworn to serve the Empire, still manipulating the scene in whatever way he can to benefit his people. (how is Eli doing in the Chiss Ascendancy? I CAN’T FUCKING WAIT TO FIND OUT.) Vader, recalling The Jedi’s past trouble with those dueling loyalties--to his people (the Jedi, the Republic) and to his people (Padme). having now decided that “even rescue” is, as Thrawn once said, not worth sacrificing victory.

but Vader’s loyalties are still in far more flux than he would let himself believe. because he is sure, on the one hand, that Thrawn is walking the line of treason. Thrawn throws every tool he has at this to get his way, to do things and have the outcome he wants, up to and including calling in a debt that Anakin Skywalker owes him--expecting Vader to repay it. and Vader, who has murdered people for far less, lets himself be talked into it, lets his curiosity string him along, lets the probing comments about “the last time we were here” and “we discovered this about cortosis” and all this we, we, WE that refers to The Jedi pass without incident.

all this to say: he sure wishes The Jedi was really dead. that would make his existence so much easier. and i’m probably reading into it, and all, but i think Thrawn and his weirdly opaque analytical mind sees that and is poking at it a-purpose. to what purpose, who can say? Thrawn’s always about a dozen steps ahead of everybody else, by design. he has a long game.

this is just a stream of consciousness ramble at this point about how many Thoughts i have about Star Wars, and it’s very late on a Friday night and i’m tired, so i’ll stop blathering on. TL;DR--i was wary of reading books from Imperial POVs and while not particularly gracefully done in some cases, they surprised me. there are some gems in there.

[alcego]

(softly) what is,,, tsa,, because it seems Pretty Interesting

(pulls up a chair and whispers back) my tsa tag refers to The Stormlight Archive by Brandon Sanderson. tsa is a series in the extended universe of the Cosmere, which he explains here.

so far as i’m aware, The Stormlight Archive is where Sanderson intends to merge the Cosmere over the course of 12 books of quite literally epic proportions.

while it’s not necessary to do so to understand or enjoy The Stormlight Archive, i’d definitely recommend checking out some other books in the Cosmere first so that you’ll have both an idea of how Sanderson writes and so that you can develop a firm layer of trust, as none of the books in tsa have clocked in at under 1,000 pages and require a fair amount of dedication to read.

that being said, i was so floored with Words of Radiance (TSA Book 1) that I finished it in just under a week.

i strongly recommend reading Mistborn: The Final Empire (trilogy + Mistborn: Secret Histories, which delves farther into the Cosmere) and Warbreaker (single novel, at the moment) before checking out tsa, if only so that you can appreciate the easter eggs from Warbreaker and Secret Histories spattered throughout the books. then again, i’d recommend these books on their own as well. Mistborn is an eternal favorite, and as i’m rereading i’m finding myself absolutely blown away by how cleverly Sanderson slipped in foreshadowing, and how well he set the story up for necessary plot twists… that ended up feeling like less of a twist, and more of an inevitable secret come to light.

i’m gonna throw in a cut here, because i really and truly can talk for hours about the Cosmere and i haven’t even begun to explain what’s going on in tsa

Sanderson talks about The Way of Kings here, and includes the inside flap & back cover blurbs at the end of the page, if you’d like to learn a little more from the book (and its author) before i continue my rambling (you don’t have to, but the blurbs are Good). 

i’ve heard tsa described as a book about transformation. Kaladin is a soldier turned slave become hero. Dalinar is a warrior turned politician turned prophet. Shallan is a thief become scholar turned spy. but none of this are quite right, because you can’t call Kaladin a hero without first acknowledging the path he took to get there; you can’t call Dalinar a warrior without understanding his tyranny, or how his fervent obsession with politics comes after his communes with God; you can’t call Shallan a thief and avoid the technicalities behind it, nor can you call her a spy without acknowledging her conflict of identity.

tsa is hard to describe. it’s about a planet’s struggle against a higher being who derives his power from the hatred people feel towards themselves as a result of their actions. it’s a book whose leading theme is that there is no progress without first taking responsibility for your actions. it’s a book with profound introspection and questions of morality, a book which blurs the line between “good” and “evil” and says, ultimately, that there is nothing of the sort. there are only the people who forgive themselves, and the people who do not.

and it’s about so much more than that. it deals with racism, xenophobia, gender roles (and why they’re bullshit), mental illness, addiction, disability, corruption, war… the list goes on and on. and all of this is done through the telling of a coherent and compelling narrative which doesn’t stoop to the genre’s annoying habit of equating violence to tension.

you’ve got characters with autism (Renarin ((many people agree that Jasnah is as well))), depression (Kaladin suffers from seasonal depression), PTSD (Dalinar has seen some shit), and split personality disorder (Shallan; this is done without villainizing or dehumanizing her). there is only one white character with a recurring narrative point of view. 

just… there’s so much to love about tsa. it’s such a rich and complex story that delivers what’s promised within a reasonable time frame (unlike most fantasy books….) and maintains an element of suspense without resorting to gratuitous violence. the cultures and religions are integrated into the story SO fucking well, and despite the book’s size, Sanderson takes care to remind you of who is who, and what is happening, and how the cultures and religions and politics work… without disrupting the flow or taking you out of the narrative.

honestly, i can’t do this series justice. it’s worth the read, and, if you’re wondering whether or not Sanderson will be able to bring such an ambitious project to a satisfying conclusion, read Mistborn. he is the master of foreshadowing and plot twists and satisfying ends. after all, there’s always another secret.