#replaying it now i think there's also the issue that it's just boring

[flash-from-the-past]

Cake Mania

[apollos-boyfriend]

Hey I've been observing from afar through your reaction blogging, I haven't been in mcyt as much since the dsmp ended but I still care about a lot of the people in the mcyt circle and I'm interested in what goes on - care to give a rundown of what happened at this twitch rivals thing everyone keeps talking about? (no pressure only if you want to) Aside from the fact I'm sure it was terribly run like most twitch rival events are, but it sounds like there was more to it than that

okay so. i am going to be missing quite a few details because i missed a day myself + my streamer could not care less, so i heavily encourage others to add on stuff i missed

this was a multi-day competition, running for 5 days with prize rewards from 1k to 100k. it started with i think 150 players, with select numbers of people getting eliminated each round. day 1-2 are fairly normal, at least for twitch rivals. of all the games that got played through the whole event, i'd say like 1 was actually good, and maybe 2 were decent, at best. most are bad, poorly-executed, poorly thought out, or just boring in terms of both player enjoy-ability and content creation.

DAY 3 EDIT:

now, sapnap's been sapnap for this entire event already. obnoxious, a bad sport, but most notably, playing DMCA'd songs. the event ran on proximity chat, so while he was unmuted, everyone around him would also be subject to said songs, which could mute vods at worst and terminate accounts at best. most people are fed up with him at this point. while everyone's trying to come up with solutions for the glitch, sapnap spams the discord with useless shit. couriway calls him out in the discord, calling him annoying and obnoxious, then later calling him a cunt in twitch chat. sapnap uses couriway and feinberg's name in his stream title for clickbait and talks shit about them + their friends (hbg/house builder gang). he also makes some weird comment asking if couri is homophobic because sap was talking about having skeppy's dick in his mouth?? or something?? i'm unsure exactly how day 3's issue of the glitch resolved.

day 4 is also your average experience with your usual range of average to horribly painful games. sapnap continues to be a bitch and not take responsibility for his stans attacking anyone in sight, but what else is new

day 5 is. bad. the game set for deciding the final competitors can be cheesed (if you let someone else do all the work, you can punch them in the last second and steal their win) and eliminates like 20 people at once. on top of that, a glitch happens that leaves the server on standby for at least 30 minutes while admins decide what to do. firebreathman sends a picture of a bare naked ass in the discord. someone else sends a photo of their debit card. streamers entertain themselves in various ways, including growing a cactus (fulham), playing osu (purpled), collecting other people's streams for their overlay (fruitberries), playing slime rancher (badboyhalo), and building real-life furniture (couriway). tubbo (who was already eliminated at this point) starts jumping between streams and asking in chat for the tea. the game is eventually replayed, deciding the final 4 players, but it's just as broken and at that point, no one wants to be there anymore. it's revealed through multiple streamers (purpled, i believe also feinberg) that twitch rivals games are not tested before being ran. the only testing done was a stress test to see if the server could handle all original 150-some players. this explains why the games are so bad and poorly organized (some games take over an hour, others barely 30 minutes).

the final four are sapnap, shadoune, sneegsnag, and i think feinberg. it's the most anticlimatic game of connect 4 you can imagine. sneeg eliminates sapnap, and shadoune eliminates fein. notably, fein's game glitches during a throw, which despite being obviously a glitch, the coordinators brush off as being "part of the game". fein and multiple other streamers spend time analyzing every pov frame by frame and all agree that yeah, that was a glitch. shadoune and sneeg are left for the finals. they come to an agreement that this is stupid and a horrible event. tired of this bullshit, they purposefully stall the games and run a podcast for approximately 2 hours, forcing the coordinators to bend to their commands hunger games-style. essentially since the first glitch of the day people were begging twitch to just split the money, something that wouldn't be easy according to tubbo, because everything is pre-signed and delegated before the event. sneeg and shadoune give no fucks, and force the coordinators to split the money anyway, winning the day through the power of friendship. i cannot stress enough how no one wanted to fucking be there by the end of all this.

[suohenki]

on my second playthrough of veilguard (for some reason). this is the insane person's ramblings about lore/writing unlike my last post

this is the first time i've been so utterly bored of a second playthrough. never has an rpg given me this feeling.

like there are no quests i look forward to tbh, every main quest is a long combat sequence. even inquisition had the orlesian ball that you had to resolve with some actual noncombat solutions. (get behind me inquisition i will defend you from the fandom)

made a qunari this time to see if it affects anything, no, really doesn't. there's barely any qunari dialogue options.

picked the crows origin, it is truly astonishing the way they treat them in this game. they seem completely shy about the crows being contract killers? it's not even that they don't talk about the things Zevran talks about, but they fully try to ignore the murder part. Mfrs are freedom fighters now apparently.

and the "twist" villains in the crows storyline are so comically obvious i hoped they were both red herrings. the butcher is so underdeveloped too. the way the illario/blood magic twist is written is confusing, rook sees it all with his damn eyes and then never says a word about it. Yes i think illario is the bad guy here, Rook, i know you heard the "amatus". What. (swear to god the dark brotherhood is more deep than this. i never thought i'd say TES has better writing than DA.)

By the end they never address the fucked up things the crows do, outside of Rook's one throwaway line of "yeah my training was hell lmao." Is it just Aranai that's fucked or what kind of hellish training are we talking about? Rook also mentions having been an orphan... so the crows are as usual but we just won't talk about it. The lore and characters have never been this confusing and woobified. The positivity of Rook rly feels off when they are a trained assassin... no one reacts negatively to it, everyone even goes "Omg lucanis is a killer. Oh, not you Rook, you're better :)" no i don't think he is? Both killers.

Similarly they are so scared of the (elven) slavery in Tevinter. If you hadn't played the previous games you'd be forgiven for thinking Tevinter had no slavery because you missed the 3 sentences that mention it. We are in the slavery capital of Thedas and we are being shy about it. I guess Dorian's and Fenris's stories are too "problematic"... It's frankly gross how they brush it off after how serious it was in previous games. Also crazy how religion never comes up. In the country of the "black divine", you'd think Harding would have something to say at least. It really only now hit me how hard they avoided bringing up non-elven religion when it's been such a big part of the lore...

Neve's storyline just begs to be about the actual known issues of Tevinter instead of whatever it was about, all of it went from one ear, out the other. To me, her and Lucanis are the weakest companions on replay. Neve's voice acting is so strange and flat it's really difficult for me to be endeared by her. (this is coming from a cassandra pentaghast enjoyer)

Even if I think Harding's scenes could be better at least i get what she is about. Tho all the titan stuff feels like it's not treated with the gravity it should be. I do like Taash and Bellara, i just wish Taash wasn't written so immaturely. i never found Sera immature in this way, she's abrasive and yes, "immature" with the pranks etc., but Taash is written like a stereotypical teen, Sera just felt like a weirdo adult. And you can tell Alistair to suck it up lmao, it's really not even comparable. And the Isabela scene with the push-ups.... talk about making it all about yourself. Taash should have just been nonbinary from the start if they were going to make the representation this awkward.

I wish Bellara's quest had more drama. You don't get to save her brother but you also have no scene where, for example, Bellara endangers Rook or lets Anaris escape because she is actually conflicted about her brother... Rook and her just kinda let them go. Bellara is okay with killing her brother with barely any convincing lol.

Emmrich and Davrin are still my favorites, I think Davrin just works, and i like that we get to see more of his background. He's not terribly ~deep~ but he doesn't have to be, saving the griffons is an understandable goal, one that would be devastating to fail. Just a charismatic man that has things he cares about with conviction.

Emmrich is an interesting portrayal of necromancy which is something i'm always receptive to, i'd play a DA game set entirely in Nevarra. His quest has wild tonal shifts but at least the set dressing kept me interested. I do wish we didn't decide for him if he became a lich tho.

I wish with all the companions the way it worked was they decide based on previous dialogues. If you keep encouraging emmrich to pursue lichdom and face his fear then he does, if not, the opposite happens. i'm just not a fan of the "here's the moment where rook decides another person's fate!!!" like why am i deciding. it's their life.

i romanced Lucanis this time to try to see why people like him so much but man, i just think his whole story is a mess. they love to imply all the trauma Lucanis has but don't truly convey any of it. you don't even talk about being a crow with Lucanis like you talk about being a watcher with Emmrich. I guess it's my bad for expecting an assassin that has been tortured and forced into an abomination to be more of an interesting character.

i'm gonna need to know more about a companion than he has trauma, he likes coffee and he cooks, to be invested. The coffee thing feels like flanderization before i even know the man, put the damn cup down. First time i felt this disconnected with a romance.

i felt like they really squandered Spite too. You'd think a demon possessing a companion would cause more trouble than 1 escape attempt. Lucanis missing the first stab attempt barely registers as Spite's fault. Spite doesn't get any sort of pay off or drama.

I could forgive a lot more if the writing was better but the bad writing stands out so much more on a second playthrough. The basic dialogue, the spoon-feeding of info, the marvel-quips, the uninteresting side quests. Can't believe that i had to find out from fucking tumblr that the time Rook spent in the fade was WEEKS, you'd think that would be an impactful detail. Legit thought they got him out in a day lmao. Explains the dagger coming out of nowhere.

They try so hard to make the team cute and wholesome, it cemented my dislike of the found family trope. It comes across as so unearned. The game is like half competent writing, half DA fanfiction. Everything to do with Solas is okay. But everything else is so off. At least they managed to make Solas a love-to-hate type character for those like me who did not care about him in DA:I. The reason i'm not talking too much about the overall plot is it was okay, i just don't care that much about the evanuris. weird choice to try to blame it all on the elves tho. Like i love you but stfu Bellara, you do not have to take on the sins of the father. Have the elves not been through enough?

[hyouta]

Dream Drop Distance might be my favourite KH game overall (so far at least).

(I mainly made this post separate because I had a question about the next set of games/movies - at the end of the post)

I finished my replay this evening and I'm still heart eyes over this game. Besides my personal bias of it coming out around the time I was going through a medical scare, no one can convince me that it's a bad game (or a bad Kingdom Hearts game).

This is only my second playthrough but I've still NEVER had an issue with the drop mechanic. Maybe it's because I only play on standard, but it never got in the way of any boss fights.

I think the other arguments I see is regarding the time travel plot and honestly it doesn't bother me, especially after experiencing the series properly. I don't know how much was actually planned, what was retconned etcetera but it didn't feel that out of place in the series.

Then there was something about how you can exploit the dream eaters affinity links and brother I just do not care to consider exploits when considering if a game is good or not. Honestly how many people are even going to discover exploits naturally? Other Kingdom Hearts games had exploits too but that's never brought them down.

ANYWAY, some notes I made playing (I literally stopped tweeting and just opened up my notes up for these posts):

The 3DS version of the opening is surperior

I'm a short hair Riku truther (also on that note, a cyan blue eye colour truther, even though I hate that so many characters have blue eyes - I saw people colour Terra's eyes brown and Ven's eyes green and I like that a lot)

I had to get used the the command system d-pad again, but honestly it didn't take that long, I only get stressed when I need cure.

I do miss donald and goofy... it was nice when they helped in re:coded hollow bastion (though it kinda sucks that dream eaters as party members is limited to one game)

I swear I got dual audio in the first flowmotion tutorial because I don't think it was supposed to sound like that

Do people see the χ-blade subtitle in real life because I don't know how they make the distinction

I have ZERO memory of flick rush to the point where I don't think I played it (and didn't play it this time either oops, maybe if I'm trophy hunting later)

I actually understand Sora's connection to Tron now so the Tron world makes a tiny bit more sense... the movie story however... still clueless

I remember when I originally played DDD that Rinzler was more difficult for me than Gigabyte Mantis, but this time it was reversed... if only because I forgot to lock-on and kept triggering flowmotion

"Me at every line of dialogue: how can I make this about akusai" lol I mean, I don't think I realised the parallels until more recently (or I just forgot)

I accidentally played out of order and I realised they... don't actually account for this; DDD can have one flaw, as a treat

Tries not getting my hopes up re: seeing TWEWY (or Neo TWEWY) characters in KH4

Symphony of Sorcery is top 3 worlds for me... maybe even number one, I just wish it wasn't so short...

Translating the reality shifts (and dream eater mini games) from handheld to console is a bit awkward but they made it work I guess

"Pain" ah yes, the husbands reunited lol Not sure if I missed it or if it was talked about elsewhere but I hope they had the decency to make Saïx a nobody again when he was still unconscious... I wanna know about all these blank periods!! (or do I)

Finally I understand how Goofy and Donald got there to save the crew

Honestly playing the games in order has added so much clarity, where I had only a basic understanding. Kingdom Hearts definitely rising the ranks of my favourite video game series'.

I can't even hate the plot and how complex it is because I'm a fan of Tsubasa Chronicles lmao

I'll try and finish art or post wips for my next post so this isn't so boring to go through but I appreciate those who took the time to read my nothing rambles (again, none of my twitter mutuals play KH so it was kind of lonely). Maybe if anyone who got to the end wanna suggest a KH character to doodle? No promises but I'll see!!

And finally my question:

I'm going through a suggested play order and it counts χ (Chi) separate, but I was under the impression it was the original Union Cross? I tried googling it but it's not clear enough if it has story unique for its own viewing or not... (also it means I have 10.8 hours of cutscenes to watch before I get to 0.2, woof)

[timeshift-playground]

uhm ultrakill hc talk (V1 and Gabriel edition)

guys did you know i like ultrak- *explodes*

\\also slight suicide mention

-🪷 (Adrian)

VERY LONG POST so the rest is after the cut

V1:

Runs digitigrade

The heels on its feet are actually the jet boosters that let it dash

maybe has small wheels built into its feet to help it slide. maybe. i swear i don't just want the murder robot to have heelies

weird fucking insect THING

Any idea of affection and human actions it has learned from observing its creators interact. Ex. blinking, twiddling its thumbs, etc

Also the concept of it being capable of mercy is very interesting to me. We see in the ferryman fight that once he stops attacking, V1 does too. The same with characters giving monologues and such. It doesn't attack until it knows the target is a threat, and seeing that everything in hell is like completely hostile we don't really get to see it sparing those who don't harm it.

as for killing i feel like it just doesn't feel anything. It doesn't have satisfaction it's just doing what it has to to survive, like a wild animal. I think it's going down through hell not only out of hunger but also curiosity. I mean it probably consumes a lot of blood to run its systems at the capacity it does so. Things like the cybergrind serve as practice when it gets bored (also it def replays its favorite fights)

As for dying i have two ideas

It leaves the pools of blood instead of collecting them for a reason. Once it is destroyed it can absorb blood from the ground to put itself back together. This of course takes time, which is why the enemies and bosses come back after you die. Meaning it's immortal

Hell itself brings V1 back each time because it wants entertainment, maybe resetting time too??? This doesn't really make sense to me tho

Gabriel:

gifted kid syndrome and BADDDDD

Shapeshifter. I don't know why. He has a human form (i refuse to believe he'd be white) and a more angelic form (his head is just a biblically accurate angel

immortal with his light, but can be exhausted with enough harm (ie. first fight)

his wounds heal extremely fast, but the more exhausted he gets the slower he heals (this is why he can taste his blood in the second fight)

this guy. oh my GAWD. Daddy issues times 10000000. Nice chill dude but indebted to his job because the council. I think he had a good friendship with minos before he had to kill him. Secretly played organ and read stories to filth children he didn't think belonged in hell (such as those who died to suicide). The only angel who really dared to step foot or even worry about Hell, so the council used his faith as a tool to manipulate him. This is a majority of what drives him to kill the council after the second fight

Now GabV1el, this shit is so canon.

I don't think they're really a romantic pairing, and it's very likely one sided on Gabriel's side. Gabriel is just enamored with V1 because it's the first thing to ever give him true struggle. Killing Minos? Easy. Killing Sisyphus? Easy. Killing the council? Easy. But V1 just keeps beating him. It's a passion to overcome, to finally beat this machine. And I am not normal about it AT ALL

As for V1, I feel like it doesn't understand the concept of romance. Things like kissing and embracing are just an action like any other to it. Although it may find the concept of affection interesting when all contact with others has always been harm

[wackpedion]

13 19 20 23 any fandomn

HI jumps up and down

13) worst blorbofication

JD from Heathers except its worse cuz it wasnt the fandom but the fucking musical adaptation that blorbofied him Horrible i will KILL SOMEONE

19) You're mad/ashamed/horrified you actually kind of like...

ohhh interesting interesting rubs chin. this used to be msi slash jimmy urine for a while but i kinda got over that. ccconnor i guess he makes me very angry but i dont specifically feel angry at Liking him its just his whole being that makes me mad you get it. scratches head. i dont knowww i like many things that r odd but i dont specifically feel any negative feelings towards that fact, and if i do its just the teeniest bit which i feel doesnt count. i think the answer that holds the most weight is MSI and that does come around back sometimes once in a while now that i think of it

20) Part of canon you found tedious or boring

the beginning chapters of DBH past The Hostage arrre a bit tedious, mostly when youre replaying the game. I still love them lots and getting to see the characters and they're necessary for setting up the story but when replaying the game its just like ugghhhh lets get this over wiiiitthhhh. but DBH in general has alot of issues of like, having massive replayability value but not being at all friendly towards it with no ability to skip cutscenes and lackluster checkpoints among other things. whole other conversation. also gravity falls episode Roadside Attraction. also insert rant about FNAF and how the lore keeps changing here

23) Ship you've unwillingly come around to

germy ☝im no rpfer but i can see the vision i respect it. also rk1k (markus x connor). im not necessarily that big on it idk if i see them as romantic but they are a very interesting and funny pair to me i like seeing art of them interacting. also to some level hankcon, a few years ago i saw those 2 as purely familial but returning to the game now i can see and enjoy romantic readings of them. they make me so angry (positive)

[skruzdelynas]

who is/are your comfort character(s)?

lighter or matches?

do you leave the window open at night?

which cryptyd being do you believe in?

what color are your eyes?

why did you do that?

hair-ties or scrunchies?

how many water bottles are in your room right now?

which do you prefer, hot coffee or cold coffee?

would you slaughter the rich?

favorite extracurricular activity?

what kind of day is it?

when was the last time you ate?

do you love the smell of earth after it rains?

are you a parent? (all answers qualify)

can you drive?

are you farsighted or nearsighted?

what hair products do you use?

imagine we’re at a sleepover, would you paint my nails?

do you say soda or pop?

something you’ve kept since childhood?

what type of person are you?

how do you feel about chilly weather?

if we were together on a rooftop, what would we be doing?

perfume/body spray or lotion?

a scenario that you’ve replayed multiple times?

about how many hours of sleep did you get?

do you wear a mask?

how do you like your shower water?

is there dishes in your room?

what type of music keeps you grounded?

do you have a favorite towel?

the last adventure you’ve been on?

is there a song you know every word to by heart?

what’s your timezone?

how many times have you changed your url?

someone in your life, other than a relative, you’ve known for 10+ years?

a soap bar that smells good?

do you use lip balm?

did you have any snacks today?

how do you take your coffee?

an app you frequently use besides this godforsaken site?

what’s your take on spicy foods?

you get a free pass to kill anyone, who is it?

can you remember what happened yesterday?

favorite holiday film?

what was the last message you sent?

when did you first try an alcohol beverage?

can you skip rocks?

can i tag you in random stuff?

who is/are your comfort character(s)? - don't have any from shows or games. I used to have some characters I either created myself or with someone else and I then thought about how they would handle different situations. Two of them were rather "broken" or sad individuals, but I created one of them (the other I created with someone) only to give them mental health issues. I then created them in Sims and played them with stuff like WickedDrugs or this one violence mod. And I really liked V (this one character with blond hair, never gave them a real name) and hoped for her to get better. I really like her and she deserves better. I very often thought about her at my lowest point. Then, some time later, I created another character which helped me to explore more gender related stuff in a safe environment. And guess what, I ended up being like this character... I also really liked them because they are so secure in themselves, they don't care. And I think it was the only charcter I ever created that almost always smiled. And yeah, I also shipped both of these characters at one point, they are so cute love them

lighter or matches? - Lighter, it's easier

do you leave the window open at night? - in summer always

what color are your eyes? - greenish-brownish-greyish

why did you do that? - why-did-you-do-that Aero

hair-ties or scrunchies? - Both, I just use whatever is avaiable

how many water bottles are in your room right now? - 0

which do you prefer, hot coffee or cold coffee? - hmm I like both, bur it's either fresh hot coffee or iced coffee. Lukewarm coffee is alright but it's boring

favorite extracurricular activity? - I don't know, I don't go to school

what kind of day is it? - today is a holiday (at least in "my culture")

when was the last time you ate? - probably 21 Uhr, today I only had a coffee (I had a lot to do)

do you love the smell of earth after it rains? - yes

are you a parent? (all answers qualify) - no

can you drive? - no

are you farsighted or nearsighted? - nearsighted

what hair products do you use? - Ketozolin, sometimes maroccanoil conditioner and oil because I know someone who is a hairdresser

imagine we’re at a sleepover, would you paint my nails? - yes, in black

do you say soda or pop? - neither, english is not my native language and I never have been in a situation where I had to use this word

something you’ve kept since childhood? - these two stuffed animals

what type of person are you? - ambivalent. Caring too much or not at all, being quite but sometimes too loud, sometimes very confident, sometimes not at all. I don't really know

how do you feel about chilly weather? - so I like it, but I get tired of it if it's every day. I also like warm sunny days. I just need variety

if we were together on a rooftop, what would we be doing? - who is we? The person who asks this question? I would really love to play minecraft on my laptop together. Or maybe modifying my Nintendo DS and playing Pokemon

perfume/body spray or lotion? - neither I think?

a scenario that you’ve replayed multiple times? - Can't think of any

about how many hours of sleep did you get? - 6 - 7

do you wear a mask? - currently no

how do you like your shower water? - hot

is there dishes in your room? - only two cups

what type of music keeps you grounded? - no music

do you have a favorite towel? - no

the last adventure you’ve been on? - going to the optician this morning

is there a song you know every word to by heart? - Diabarha - Satan Dementia (because there are no words 🥥)

how many times have you changed your url? - 0

someone in your life, other than a relative, you’ve known for 10+ years? - maybe two old friends, I know them since I was 12 or 13, but I rarely interact with them or not at all (P and L)

a soap bar that smells good? - every fresh soap

do you use lip balm? - no

did you have any snacks today? - no

how do you take your coffee? - soy milk

an app you frequently use besides this godforsaken site? - finch, signal, whatsapp

what’s your take on spicy foods? - it's okay, I don't have many thoughts about it

can you remember what happened yesterday? - yes. Went to the city with my father, bought some stuff, crafted a card, played minecraft, did math, looked into a niche fetish and learned more about it, played minecraft with girlfriend and talked about all the new kinks I discovered on tumblr (we talked about how they develop, when are they harmful, how is the societal impact on it, etc.), replied to some asks from sneasel and chatted a bit with him

favorite holiday film? - no film

what was the last message you sent? - "Wie süß"

when did you first try an alcohol beverage? - 15

can you skip rocks? - what?

can i tag you in random stuff? - always

[nanjokei]

i think the spread of character ai usage (and ai art generation usage also) is definitely an issue with people wanting instant gratification which actual rp usually is just not sustainably built for unless you're doing chat rp, even then your friends aren't awake 24/7 waiting at beck and call to entertain you. it's not literally entitlement, but it 100% stems from entitlement to be entertained constantly and passively instead of actually going out and finding something to do.

god this sounds like such boomer shit but the creation of endless scrolling like on tiktok with specifically tailored algorithms has made people so PASSIVE. ai can never come close to human creators but if people, especially the younger generation, are getting too cozy with choosing it over seeking out other human beings (whether it be indirectly via consuming fanmade work or directly via actual collaborative stuff like online roleplay), then how different is it from the ai "winning"? i don't think any of the excuses are valid. it's a subpar product in every way. it's almost never im character, it breaks if you propose anything too left field, and it's ultimately empty wish fulfilment and i have no idea how anyone past the age of 16 AT BEST gets any gratification from it. is it just the spread of a lack of reading comprehension? OPEN THE SCHOOLS!!

i do think it's an issue of people not being comfortable with boredom, always needing instant gratification, not wanting to sit down and hone a craft, or give the people who hone a craft themselves the time of day because they can't crank out """content""" for you 24/7. in a way, i'm thinking right now, when i'm bored i just channel surf on tv even if i don't do it as much anymore. but most people don't have tv anymore (personally we pirate iptv so LOL). i don't blame it on that necessarily, but i think with the rise of streaming, you just sit there on a media library staring at a bunch of thumbnails and posters, having to make a decision on how to invest your time. in this case, i get why people are so passive. tiktok is easier, character ai is easier. because i never ended up watching anything whenever i opened netflix (when we had it years ago). one could argue that watching tv is passive, but there's still a choice. you check the tv guide or google it and you know a certain show is on tv a certain channel at a certain time so you keep that in mind. what do you do in the meanwhile? i remember when that was an actual routine for me. i'd be slacking and not doing my homework, so maybe i'd draw a bit, maybe i play on my ds for a while, maybe i go make myself a snack or bake some pastries if i have all day, maybe i continue a book or even surf the web a bit.

the instinct of "aight, im gonna do something else on my own while i wait" is kind of dying. yes i'm on my phone! the difference is my use case. these days i'm not on social media aside from here so i don't use it as much aside from talking to friends on messaging clients and playing games (rarely tho). i say this as someone who stares at the ceiling not doing anything for a good bit each day, but at least i feel like i still have retained some ability to sometimes go, ok time to learn about a new hobby! i don't have to even pick it up. just entertaining it is gratifying on its own. i'm not a writer, but sometimes i'll write a little bit for fun then go "yeah i get why i don't jive with this". lately, i've been interested in competitive pokemon (with not much interest before) because i've been replaying platinum. i research a bit, watch videos, i even got a little brave and tested some sample teams on showdown. it was a fun time killer! i might keep doing it. i might even do it later today. i started reading pokespe too to scratch the pokemon itch too. and it's not like i don't suffer from crazy hard executive dysfunction but hey, this is a product of my effort. lately i've been thinking i wanna pick a character in guilty gear and learn at least one combo! trying new things is fun!!!

i'm sure this post sounds self important, self impressed, self absorbed (c-c-c-combo breaker) and boomer ish as fuck but honestly i don't care anymore. if someone who struggles with simple tasks on the daily like me can find shit to do that isn't just instantly caving to endless scrolling and resorting to chatting up an AI then i'm sure most people can too. it is so much more gratifying actively seeking out fun than to be passive about it.

[whenthechickencry]

Umineko Ch1. Replay 1

Decided to replay Umineko again after playing a bunch of Persona games again before this!

When I first played the game I remember thinking the introduction scenes around the airport being very boring, but I have actually been very impressed with them this time! Lots of foreshadowing, and a lot of conversations have clever double meaning

Think the way Battler is just WRONG about everyone is very amusing too, the lines implying Rosa is the one with the most 'common sense', the ones where he says he looks up to George and seemingly has no fucking clue whats George's opinions about him, thinking Kyries decision to enforce some distance is because "he's too old to consider her familly now" and not because she fucking hates him, etc.

George constantly flipping betwwen his need to rub Battler's flaws in his face and him putting in the mature older cousing act is pretty striking on replay (Also I think his fear of vehicles apparently being inherited from Asumu is pretty interesting, wonder if Battler feels getting over his fear is letting go of his connection to asumu)

I think the decision to have Battlers first real monologue be about how being rich is kind of hard is a very interesting way to make it clear he kind of has issues looking outside his perspective without being very overt about it.

Oh Battler you really have no idea what's going on in other people's heads

The immediate dissapointment at not being recognized by Battler :(

Yeah, you sure understand what's going on, huh battler?

Can't help but fawn a little at Battler offering help like that lol

yeah

[super-antelope]

So the Gollum Game

Way to many of my thoughts on Gollum, Daedalic Entertainment and the click-and-point genre.

Recently a new game about Gollum, made by Daedalic Entertainment, came out. It has gotten very bad reviews and a negative response, so much that Daedalic came out with an apology. Now, I haven’t played it myself, but I’ve seen enough clips and screenshots to come to the conclusion that it is exactly as terrible as people say it is.

When this game was first announced back in 2019 I was actually very excited, because I really like some off Daedalics other games. In fact, my favourite game of all time, The night of the rabbit, is made by them.

This was also about a year after the company released the final game in their click-and-point adaptation of The pillars of the earth, which originally is a book by Ken Follett.

It’s a beautiful looking game with a good story and I enjoyed it very much. I thought that if they tackled Tolkiens world in a similar manner, it could make for a really cool and unique game. However, as soon as I found out that Gollum wasn’t gonna be a click-and-point I lost all hope.

Cause here’s the thing, Daedalic games tend to be very much not great when they do games that are other genres. They started out as a company that only made click-and -point, and it’s definitely their strongest suite. I’m not saying that all of their other games are terrible. I haven’t played any of them, and can therefore not make that judgement. I can however look up what people who have played them think, and if you look at the steam reviews on some of their games, there’s a clear pattern.

Here are some of their click-and-point games:

And here are some of the others:

They haven’t released any new click-and-point (as both devs and producers) since Pillars of the earth, and it also seems to be the last game since, that was actually really good. They were gonna release a click-and-point called The Devil’s men, but unfortunately it got cancelled in 2018, which is a shame since it looks sooo cool!

It’s a little unclear why it got cancelled. I’ve seen some people say that it was because Daedalic didn’t think people was interested in that genre anymore, or that they thought it wasn’t gonna make them enough money, but I haven’t been able to find any direct quotes or sources to these statements. So take that with a grain of salt

So where am I going with this??

Well, my point isn’t that I think Daedalic should stick to just click-and-point and nothing else. I totally get that making games that are always in the same vein and/or genre can be boring and uninspiring. I don’t wanna blame anyone for wanting to try something new or different. You should be able to make games and projects that you find fun and enjoyable to make, that you actually want to make, even if other people want you to make other games that you might not find inspiring. However, I just can’t help but feel like this isn’t the issue here.

Despite my love for them, most of their click-and-points has several flaws, some more than others. They are in no way, shape or form perfect, far from it. However, these games are still great and obviously loved by many, and I think the reason for that is that there’s so much heart in them. You can feel that they hade a blast making them while you play them, and that, combined with beautiful artwork and incredible soundtracks, is exactly why they work, despite the many flaws. The best example here is Deponia, one of their most appreciated game franchises.

It has the absolute worst main character I ever played as, some of the puzzles makes absolutely no sense, whatsoever, the “dark humour” often leaves a bad taste in your mouth, cause instead of being actually good jokes, it feels like it crosses the line just to cross the line. Do I still love the games to death, and have replayed them multiple times? Absolutely yes

And once again, take this with a grain of salt since I actually haven’t played any of them and I’m basing this of reviews, but that heart seems to be missing in their other genre games. They don’t feel as genuine and as cared for, they lack passion and creativity. And the same goes for Gollum more than anything else.

It just makes me so sad that it seems like Daedalic have given up on a genre that they did so well. Not because they don’t want to make more click-and-points, but because they think that there’s no longer an audience for that genre, and therefore there’s no gain in making anymore. This might of course not be the case at all, but that’s how it feels to me. And it sucks, because while the audience for click-and-point might be smaller than some other genres, their point-and-click games are generally more appreciated, and better received, as I pointed out earlier.

I truly think that Gollum could have been great, if they would have been brave enoughto make it click-and-point. It would have been a risk sure, but I think that even a mediocre click-and-point about Gollum would have been better than what we got. And look, I understand that its unrealistic to wish that all games should always be passion projects. At the end of the day, capitalism is a bitch that has power over all of us, whether we like it or not. Making a game a certain way because you’ll think it’ll be more financially successful, is very fair and valid. But still.

Anyway this ended up being waaaay longer than I intended lol (no one will probably read this, but if you did, hey!! Thanks, my pal!!🤘) I hope that the flop that is Gollum doesn’t hurt the company to much, and I hope that they will continue to create games, whatever genre they may be. And if they’ll make a new click-and-point, then you can be damn sure that I’ll play it!!

[xanderxone]

9/18/2023

Journaling Is Stimming

The moment I fell in the autism rabbit hole, I started devouring videos and the ones about stimming always seemed to grab my attention. One idea that was consistent across all the videos is that autistic people stim to release excess energy that gets built up in their bodies. It has to do with the idea of autistic inertia which I will probably make a post about sometime later.

I have always had what I considered to be an overactive imagination. I often get stuck in my own fantasy worlds in my head or replay conversations or fret about the future or fret about the present or get so lost in a special interest that I can think of nothing else. Wow. I actually spend way more time in my own head than I thought. And while there are times where this is something that I absolutely love about myself, like when I have to drive 3 hours on a long boring highway to my hometown to visit my family. Sometimes I actually look forward to just having 3 hours alone in a car to list to music and let my mind roam. But for the other 99% of my life, I need to actually be present and paying attention. So now I will be on the lookout for my tell-tale circular thoughts so I can just write them down and get them out instead. I've also started to employ a similar strategy at work because I often find myself in situations where I have a question about something that will probably get answered later but I just want to make sure I don't forget to check it. And I have actually started to just write those things down in OneNote and saving them to review later. AND WHEN I TELL YOU THE STRESS THAT HAS JUST WASHED OFF OF ME BECAUSE NOW I KNOW I WON'T FORGET IT LATER IS PALPABLE. I feel like I love my job again and I feel the joy coming back that was gone for a long time.

And so, dear reader, I think if I start writing down anything that gets stuck inside my head, it will be a stim and move all that anxious energy outside of me. And in turn, I will be able to harness a lot more of my mental capacity for other, more important things. AND I WILL STOP FUCKING FORGETTING EVERYTHING.

An interesting emotion that all of this is bringing up is one of shame and humiliation. And I know that it's irrational so I'm keeping it at arm's length to avoid being truly upset by the emotion, but it's existence is intriguing. God I sound like a robot sometimes. Anyway, I think its because I feel really dumb for not realizing all of this sooner? I do struggle a lot with depersonalization issues which I think has also led to me not realizing I was trans until... the same time I learned I was autistic. Look, it's been a really long year, okay? But I think all of the things that have made me incredibly good at masking all these years are the same things that have made me feel like I have a very limited sense of self. I think I'm gonna work on developing one.

One last thing: I always felt like a journal had to be neat and organized and pretty or else it wasn't right. And so I would spend all this time trying to get it perfect and it wasn't sinking in that the whole point is to journal your thoughts and get them out. And so I just felt like it did nothing for me but it's because I was dumb. This blog will be a way for me to stim when I need to get things out. And then I'll also keep a pretty journal full of pages of stickers and pieces of paper that I rip up and glue down that can be a creative outlet for when I need to get out creative energy (it's called junk journaling and if you are a little packrat gremlin who loves tactile doodads and thingies and art, you will love it. And all of the supplies are SO CHEAP online. Look it up on tiktok. Trust me.)

I feel like I might be getting an A in therapy.

--Xander

[crystalelemental]

"books-are-my-life-stuff: And it's not like Rapidash is anything better either (it takes a long time to evolve and its movesets are pretty boring save for Megahorn and Poison Jab from Move Reminder), but it's the only Fire-type option for non-Infernape users that doesn't need super late game TMs to be able to function as a proper Fire-type mon.

Gen 4 is great story and design-wise, but the Pokemon lineup and movesets are…very lacking, something that I didn't notice until I replayed a few times, trying to use different team and different starters, only to end up with mostly the same ones again."

I don't remember ever running a Rapidash all the way through a game, but yeah, late level evolution is kinda rough, though Ponyta has really good BST for a pre-evo in compensation. It's not as bad as like...pretty much anything in Gen 5, if we're being honest. Like yeah okay, Deino, you can evolve post-League if you really want to buddy.

I think it's also the issue of...game structure. Like okay, let's say you're doing what I'm doing, and running some slow Pokemon, like Gastrodon and Lickilicky. Your life is now miserable, compared to someone running Floatzel and Lopunny. You're slow, so you take more hits, and if you even get recovery moves, they come in super late, so you're using a lot of Potions, and you can never really travel around with them in the lead slot because they're slow so you can't run from anything and get stuck in even more battles that land even more damage on you. Back when money was a lot harder to manage, this was difficult to justify. So on top of the moveset issues, you now have money issues as you stock up on more healing items so you can make progress without stopping at the center every other encounter, and what felt like a really fun game the first time through because you ran some good sweepers and just shitstomped things, becomes a tedious slog of trying to level this slow, lumbering shit. It's less engaging, and more effort, for reward you could achieve much easier any other way. While people complained about the Gen 5 habit of healing your team constantly, it objectively made using slower Pokemon better. It's purely an improvement.

[myimaginarywonderland]

While it is easy to just chalk up this boring season to the Verstappen dominance, I think to truly understand why everyone is not enjoying it we need to dive deeper.

I definitely think the fact that RedBull has such a fast car is the first step to just less enjoyment. Especially when you have other series where there isn't a dominant team let alone driver, you kind of sometimes which F1 would be like that again which just seems impossible with the modern regulations. It already adds the "well this team will win anyway unless something bad happens to them."

Which immediately brings me to the other issue that's reliability. I honest to god feel like this is the season were cars are the most reliable. Almost all DNFs that happened this season were caused by drives error in one way or another and there's rarely any technical DNFs in comparison to say for example 2017/2018.

Now we come to the problem that is just DNFs in general. There's also rarely DNFs this season because drivers don't make errors that result in race finishing scenarios anymore.

To build onto this, there's definitely less chaos because of DNFs. It feels like almost all the teams agree with the same strategy unless it's a back maker team making a gamble and therefore there's no unpredictability anymore in any scenario that might happen after something like a car stopping next to the track.

Now we move onto a previous point. While there was a winning team you would at least have unpredictability. 2020, which honestly was a massive dominant season for Mercedes where there was mostly Lewis winning races still saw 3 other people winning that weren't equiped with the Mercedes and 4 if we count Val. Why? Because Mercedes messed up or something went wrong in Qualy. With RedBull (kudos to them) there's basically no one who even believes they have any room for error. Like they are such a well oiled machine that you can't even see them with Max making a mistake.

Another huge problem is also undoubtedly the calendar. We have had so many tracks where qualifying basically determines the finishing order because there's such a low possibility for overtaking that you don't expect really much changes. It adds another layer of finality before the race has even started.

To add onto that we have to talk about the giant gaps between the teams. While yeah RedBull is definitely dominant, there are also just such big gaps between all the other teams. Alex said it before that basically there's just no way to get points for anyone that isn't in Aston, RedBull, Ferrari or Mercedes because those teams are guaranteed the top 8 if everything goes right. And yet between them there is also right now rarely a fight because the tracks just suit some cars better which means it's always another layer of "Right, this will be a RedBull + Nando podium" or "Right, this is a RedBull+ Lewis podium." The gap between the top 4 is already turning out bigger and then from there on it's just another huge gaps. There's barely any fight between midfield teams and the backmakers are most likely also just obvious and nowhere close to any fight. The field is so spread out often that even if the tracks allowed overtaking it's basically impossible due to the large team gaps.

Another thing that has become quiet prominent is the DRS train which often times just means even if a car does have more pace, there's just no way for it to overtake because it is a hindrance basically impossible to pass. I truly do think this is more prominent this season and it's so interesting think about why but that's not the point. The point is it poses another problem that makes enjoyment dimed.

And lastly a huge problem I have found myself having is also the coverage of the race. Sometimes it truly does feel like there is nothing that we are shown or the lack of communication from comms leaves you an entire race wondering why a driver is in his position because it's not something deemed replay worthy and the commentators are more focused to make a race seem interesting than actually keeping you update on everything. It makes it hard to follow and I can't imagine coming in as a new fan sometimes because it truly can seem like there's a lack of communications.

[manonamora-if-reviews]

Approaching Hordes! by Craig Ruddell

============= Links

Play the game See other reviews of the game

============= Synopsis

It's officially hit the fan! Cause, unknown. There's no time to worry about that now anyways...there's a zombie horde approaching! Your job...gather as many survivors as you can and hold out for as long as possible. You'd be the hero if you can find a cure, but digging an escape tunnel might be a good insurance policy.

============= Other Info

Approaching Hordes! is a Twine (SugarCube) game, submitted to the 2022 Edition of the IFComp. It placed 49th overall.

Status: Completed Genre: Apocalypse, Zombies, Resource Management

CW: / Note: Zombies, violence, death,

============= Playthrough

First Played: 2-Oct-2022* Last Played: 26-May-2023 Playtime: around 1h-ish? I took a break somewhere Rating: 2/5 Thoughts: If I was this bored managing resources during a Zombie Apocalypse, I would probably die.

*I had reviewed the game during the IFComp in the Author's section (which was hidden to the public). I forgot to keep track of the notes I gave though... You can find the OG review under the cut.

============= Review

Approaching Hordes! is part Choice-based, part Resource Management in a basic SugarCube UI, following the player has he leaves his infected family behind and tries to survive hordes of zombies.

Spoilers ahead. It is recommended to play the game first. The review is based on my understanding/reading of the story.

Preface: Before getting into replaying the game, I could not shake off the feeling that I was going for a bad time. I remember not liking the game at all (I think my OG review shows that). Still, I am going into it with a somewhat open mind?

The game start with a short prologue, spanning a couple of days, where you notice an increase of gunshots in the neighbourhood and order your wife to check it out (day 0); wake up, find your neighbour informing you of the zombie apocalypse, find your wife having turned into s zombie and Mike-Tyson-punch her, and set up camp (day 1); constructing a guard tower (day 2, very quick); and becoming unanimously the leader of the 11 survivors (day 3).

Then starts the Resource Management. At the time of the first review, I had not seen many Twine games doing something that was not Choice-Based (aside from my own little tavern). Instead of taking the traditional approach of a choice list to resolve issues, Approaching Hordes! combines the Idle game format to managing the compound and its resources. It is an interesting way of pushing the SugarCube/Twine engine in this manner. You have three levels of difficulty. I've played only on Easy and Medium.

However, it soon becomes tedious, and I would put the blame on the idleness of the game. Resource management is very fun, as having to balance the use and harvest of set resources can be challenging but also quite rewarding. Idle games, on the other hand, often requires you to step away from the game and leave it on in the background. Except you can't do that here. Closing and reopening the game brings you right back to the moment you left it. Leave the page idle for too long or change tabs and it just... pauses. You have to keep the page open and focused, watching the bar fill up slowly.

There is nothing else to do in the meantime, no extra story, no dialogue with the other survivors, no personal thoughts... just sitting at a desk and moving people around.

Granted the first quarter(-ish) of that part is a bit stressful. You only have 10 survivors with you out of the max 50, you need to make sure you have enough food, that there are guards around, that the compound is secure and repaired, and that the camp is happy. But as soon as you max out the survivors (which can be preeeettttyyyy quick), you are essentially done. It's just a matter of moving a few of the survivors around to the relevant ending (escaping or cure).

The first time I played the game (during the IFComp), I got incredibly bored and just let my survivors die/leave camp halfway through (all forced to build that tunnel, waiting for the end link to appear on my screen (I think I got a bad ending). This time, I tried to be more diligent and finished the zombie cure. But by jove was it tedious. I was legit writing this review at the same time to fill my waiting between moving one or two survivors around.

Depending on the path taken (win/lose - cure/escape), you will have a bit of a different ending from a news-cliping, before you are able to see the different important steps of your journey in a notebook. But those are just two screens. And after spending all this time waiting and clicking stuff every few minutes or so, it honestly felt unrewarding (especially when I freakin found the cure!!).

Suffice to say, it still didn't tickle my bone the second time around either...

Some other points:

there is humour in the text, but it really wasn't to my taste. The jokes and the nudges fell flat or forced. It often made me cringe, but not in a enjoyable way.

I still don't know if you are supposed to like the protagonist at all (from the text, I don't think so?), but I thoroughly hated him. He is an absolute dick (especially to his wife) but somehow everyone thinks the sun shines from his ass (how you get the leadership still astounds me).

I wasn't particularly moved by the prose, and often felt a bit uneasy by the tone flipping too abruptly from comedy to action to "horror". Part of it is probably because I loathed the protagonist.

while the visual was simple, there was issues with refreshing the page (which reloaded everything) and with the contrasting of the text (especially when choosing the action in the resource management block).

As a proof of concept (Resource Management Idler in Twine), it worked. This game really tried something new (in my book) with the interactiveness and that should be commendable. But the fiction of it all was really eh.

=======================

OG Review during the IFComp

Zombie apocalypse meet Management Sim.

This was the first time I saw something quite like this with a Twine game (I usually see more Choice-based game) and it was interesting to see what else one can do with the system itself. Who knew resource management was on the table! This was kinda neat to see.

That said, after the prologue, the game became a bit boring. This is usually the case with idler-games, you just end up waiting for progress bars to fill up, which is the case with this game as well. Even if you need to tweak between the options, there’s not much you can do but wait. Only having the resource management/idler for this long really breaks the flow.

It’s a bit of a shame that there is no story past the prologue and that you, as the leader, you do nothing but tell a survivor where to go and wait. There is some story after the horde arrives (at least 30min after you get into the compound), but, even though I was yearning for something else to do than wait for the progress bar to fill up, I had mentally checked out of the game when it appeared.

I also had some issues with the little story you end up having. The text is at time confusing (your spouse is on top of you, but the next line is she is far enough that you can punch her?) and missing/misusing punctuation. Some paragraphs have very disconnected tone [Though I always like to be able to flip off my neighbour]. I didn’t understand the rationale behind you the player being set as the leader of the group either (why would people follow someone who’s clearly a not-so-nice person and a terrible spouse?).

Some formatting is a bit off. Rather than change days in the middle of one passage, they probably should have gotten a new passage instead.

Overall, I liked that it was different and tried to do something new with the Twine Engine, but not having anything really to do during the resource management portion really decreased my enjoyment of the game.

[silentstaresfanficandfanart]

I can confirm this is such a thing

now that I'm an adult the best advice my moms boyfriend ever gave me was

"make something to look forward to every day, every week, every month, every year" one thing for each thing little things and big things my big year happy thing will be getting to be with my boyfriend for new years and experiencing my very first romance stuff with him : ) its so exciting and cool! My monthly stuff tends to be a fun project Im loving like writing a book, (like right now ) or making games, or otherwise having a BIG large scale project i'm working on , this sometimes goes on for months but its a HUGE source of happiness for me, this can also be visiting af riend or loved one or going to a fair of some sort!

my weekly big happy is usually going out for dinner or to a cool store or making dinner with my mom or otherwise doing something cool like that! Or doing a smaller scale craft, like I made a little top hat bag out of eva foam!

Finally my small scale things are usually small art projects, video games, watching LONG FORM content like an anime or a movie or things like that.

I think a lot of peoples issue when it comes to technology addiction also partially come from trying to feed a brain thats incredibly bored that just doesnt have something fun and stimulating going on, It offers a level of happiness thats so minor that most people wouldn't consider watching a youtube video a special treat, unless its something really specific.

(example: charlie the unicorn vs say, a tiktok compiltion, you're not going to remember that tiktok compilation years later, BUT almost everyone who's my age remembers charlie the unicorn, I'd consider the amazing digital circus this too, and asdf movies, those are all "long form content" in a way)

it's weird how that works and I love my tech so im not saying technology bad lol, just that like,I'm feeling so much better mentally now that I'm specifically searching for things Im looking for, avoiding short form content where I can, and making mindful choices about what i watch. I'd 100% consider watching an indie animated show mindful watching, I mean whoa just look at the artistic magnificence that is lackadaisy!? I'll never stop replaying that opening sequence in the first episode!

let's face it, it's NOT fun to scroll through tumblr all day finding 50 posts that really suck and one or two that are somewhat entertaining, and algorythms specifically are designed on most websites to keep you JUST bored enough and entertained enough that you keep going and keep going as long as possible and never are quite happy. Make at least one special thing for yourselves, it makes a HUGE difference, and remember to actively chose to have fun and do silly things sometimes, you're your own zookeeper, after all!

what they dont tell you about adulthood is that it’s startlingly easy to go long periods of time without having any fun at all not even a little bit. btw this causes ur brain to try to kill you with knives and hammers.

[beepboo5]

I've been feeling a bit lonely lately, I really love my friends but sometimes it feels as tho i can't really connect with them, I'm a bit too scared to share what I feel or think. I don't want to be a burden, and I'm also very boring as a person. I don't think I have much to offer, but I want to be closer to them, they've been nothing but kind and caring with me and I can't do the same. I'm always convinced that they either hate me or are indifferent to me. I isolate myself to avoid dealing with all of these thoughts, but I think im just making it worse. I've been isolating myself since 2017, no friends or just the bare minimum / whoever stuck with my mental health issues for whatever reason. But, even with those who stuck, I stopped speaking regularly, basically ghosted them - tho it wasn't my intention - and now I finally made new friends but I feel unable to connect with them, even if I really want to.

And sometimes when they're really kind my mind starts depending on them and I start replaying stuff they said and I get obsessed with them and I get even more scared of saying something wrong, and I also realize my obsessing over friends isn't healthy, so I isolate even more and socialize sparingly whenever I feel like im loosing my mind from too much being alone, but that also makes it worse... hehe...

I wish my mind would stop, but I have no one to talk to about this. I feel so lonely, in two weeks im going to have to go back to my parents' house for 10 days or so to take care of some stuff and I dont want to see my father again. I want to disappear. Im a shit daughter a shit friend a shit person and I cant even make myself feel better, when I go back my mental health gets even worse. Im in therapy, I journal, im trying to make friends and Im trying my best in everything and even tho my best is not that good, why cant it just stop for a day? Even when I dont see my father it's in my head It's been years since I left why does this never end And i start to think maybe it was my fault, I should've done better. Maybe if I was someone else nothing would've happened and I feel like im the one who ruined my mum and my brother If only i had been stronger, instead I made it worse. If only my brother didnt see me at my worst maybe now he wouldn't struggle with mental health issues like me Thinking back, I don't know how im still here now, it feels suffocating. But I have to go back... and my loneliness is getting even worse now. I feel so alone