#replaying it now i think there's also the issue that it's just boring

[flash-from-the-past]

Cake Mania

[apollos-boyfriend]

Hey I've been observing from afar through your reaction blogging, I haven't been in mcyt as much since the dsmp ended but I still care about a lot of the people in the mcyt circle and I'm interested in what goes on - care to give a rundown of what happened at this twitch rivals thing everyone keeps talking about? (no pressure only if you want to) Aside from the fact I'm sure it was terribly run like most twitch rival events are, but it sounds like there was more to it than that

okay so. i am going to be missing quite a few details because i missed a day myself + my streamer could not care less, so i heavily encourage others to add on stuff i missed

this was a multi-day competition, running for 5 days with prize rewards from 1k to 100k. it started with i think 150 players, with select numbers of people getting eliminated each round. day 1-2 are fairly normal, at least for twitch rivals. of all the games that got played through the whole event, i'd say like 1 was actually good, and maybe 2 were decent, at best. most are bad, poorly-executed, poorly thought out, or just boring in terms of both player enjoy-ability and content creation.

DAY 3 EDIT:

now, sapnap's been sapnap for this entire event already. obnoxious, a bad sport, but most notably, playing DMCA'd songs. the event ran on proximity chat, so while he was unmuted, everyone around him would also be subject to said songs, which could mute vods at worst and terminate accounts at best. most people are fed up with him at this point. while everyone's trying to come up with solutions for the glitch, sapnap spams the discord with useless shit. couriway calls him out in the discord, calling him annoying and obnoxious, then later calling him a cunt in twitch chat. sapnap uses couriway and feinberg's name in his stream title for clickbait and talks shit about them + their friends (hbg/house builder gang). he also makes some weird comment asking if couri is homophobic because sap was talking about having skeppy's dick in his mouth?? or something?? i'm unsure exactly how day 3's issue of the glitch resolved.

day 4 is also your average experience with your usual range of average to horribly painful games. sapnap continues to be a bitch and not take responsibility for his stans attacking anyone in sight, but what else is new

day 5 is. bad. the game set for deciding the final competitors can be cheesed (if you let someone else do all the work, you can punch them in the last second and steal their win) and eliminates like 20 people at once. on top of that, a glitch happens that leaves the server on standby for at least 30 minutes while admins decide what to do. firebreathman sends a picture of a bare naked ass in the discord. someone else sends a photo of their debit card. streamers entertain themselves in various ways, including growing a cactus (fulham), playing osu (purpled), collecting other people's streams for their overlay (fruitberries), playing slime rancher (badboyhalo), and building real-life furniture (couriway). tubbo (who was already eliminated at this point) starts jumping between streams and asking in chat for the tea. the game is eventually replayed, deciding the final 4 players, but it's just as broken and at that point, no one wants to be there anymore. it's revealed through multiple streamers (purpled, i believe also feinberg) that twitch rivals games are not tested before being ran. the only testing done was a stress test to see if the server could handle all original 150-some players. this explains why the games are so bad and poorly organized (some games take over an hour, others barely 30 minutes).

the final four are sapnap, shadoune, sneegsnag, and i think feinberg. it's the most anticlimatic game of connect 4 you can imagine. sneeg eliminates sapnap, and shadoune eliminates fein. notably, fein's game glitches during a throw, which despite being obviously a glitch, the coordinators brush off as being "part of the game". fein and multiple other streamers spend time analyzing every pov frame by frame and all agree that yeah, that was a glitch. shadoune and sneeg are left for the finals. they come to an agreement that this is stupid and a horrible event. tired of this bullshit, they purposefully stall the games and run a podcast for approximately 2 hours, forcing the coordinators to bend to their commands hunger games-style. essentially since the first glitch of the day people were begging twitch to just split the money, something that wouldn't be easy according to tubbo, because everything is pre-signed and delegated before the event. sneeg and shadoune give no fucks, and force the coordinators to split the money anyway, winning the day through the power of friendship. i cannot stress enough how no one wanted to fucking be there by the end of all this.

[coloraturadiva]

The edge of the horizon (Jake "Hangman" Seresin x OC One shot - Sequel to Afterburn)

This story is a sequel to my one shot Afterburn

Pairing: Jake "Hangman" Seresin x OC (Stephanie)

Summary:  A Navy pilot’s near-death experience forces him and his estranged wife to confront their fractured past. As fear, regret, and love collide, they must decide whether to rebuild what was lost or let it fade forever. 

Warnings: angst, fluff, character getting injured, plane crash, marriage issues, absent father, and hopefully I didn't miss anything.

Word Count: 4300

A/N: english is not my first language (or even the second) and this story hasn't been betaed, I just had some help from Grammarly.

Disclaimer: a strict work of fiction, I own nothing except the original characters and the plot line. In no way am I affiliated to any of it.  

Feedback, reblogs and constructive criticism are always appreciated!

Please don’t post any of my content anywhere else without my permission. Comments and reblogs welcome!

Stephanie had just stepped into her house, the heels of her work shoes clicking against the hardwood floor. She hadn’t even had time to set down her bag when her phone buzzed on the kitchen counter. A glance at the screen showed Grace’s name. Smiling faintly, she swiped to answer, but the moment she said, “Hello?” the world shifted beneath her feet.

Grace’s voice was a torrent of sobs, barely coherent as she tried to relay the news. “It’s Jake... the Navy... they called me... he’s alive, but Stephanie, they said he was shot down on a mission! I—I don’t know anything else. Oh my God, Stephanie, what if—”

Stephanie’s breath caught in her throat. The phone slipped from her hand, clattering onto the floor, though Grace’s wails still filtered through. Her knees buckled, and she crumpled to the ground, tears streaming down her face.

Her chest tightened painfully, her emotions splintering in a thousand directions. Anger burned through her first, a deep-seated fury at the man who had once again brought this pain into her life. "Why, Jake?" she whispered brokenly. "Why do you have to make me suffer like this?"

But the anger was fleeting. Worry surged in its place, gnawing at her insides with a relentless, almost unbearable ferocity. Her mind conjured him so vividly it hurt—his cocky grin that could light up the darkest room, the gleam in his eyes whenever he talked about flying, like the sky was his true home. She could almost hear his voice, teasing and confident, reassuring her that he was untouchable. And now... now he was out there somewhere, hurt and vulnerable, and all she could do was wait. The thought of him in pain, of those strong hands—so steady in the cockpit, so tender when holding their children—now clutching at his injuries, made her chest tighten until she could barely breathe.

Through the haze of her anguish, another emotion clawed its way to the surface: regret. The weight of the past bore down on her. She’d left him to protect herself, to shield her children from this very nightmare. But had she been too harsh? Too unyielding? He wasn’t just the man who’d broken his promises—he was also the man who had held her hand through labor, whispered love into her ear, and made her laugh until she cried, the man who had swept her off her feet with a roguish smile and boundless ambition; he was also the man who had stayed awake all night comforting her when their youngest had a fever, the man who had carved out moments of family amidst the chaos of his career. And now, he might never get the chance to prove to her—and to himself—that he could be more than the sum of his flaws. No matter how hard she tried, she had never stopped loving him.

Her mind replayed the last time he had stood on her porch, his voice heavy with regret. “I know I’ve made mistakes. Big ones. But I’ve had a lot of time to think. To see what really matters. I… I’ve changed. I’m trying to make things right.”

Her heart had twisted at the tear that slipped down his cheek, something she had never seen before. But she had hardened herself against it, shaking her head.

She had stood firm, arms crossed in defiance. “Jake. Go. For the good of the children. Please.”

Now, hearing Grace’s sobs on the other end of the line, the possibility of losing him forever loomed like a shadow over her. The sharp edges of her words replayed in her mind, cutting her deeper than she thought possible."Go. For the good of the children." Had she been wrong? Would she ever get the chance to take those words back? To tell him that she never truly let him go?

Tears blurred her vision as she pressed her face into her hands. Her mind echoed with his desperate plea from that day:“I miss you all.”

Dragging the phone back to her ear, her voice shaking, she tried to console Grace even while her own heart was breaking. “He’s going to be okay, Grace,” she said, the words as much for herself as for Jake’s mother. “He has to be okay.”

- - - - - -

Maverick’s hands gripped the controls tightly, his voice tense and unwavering. “We can’t outrun this guy,” he said, his eyes scanning the controls and the endless sky around them. “We have to eject. We need altitude. Pull that ejection handle the second I tell you.”

“Mav, wait!” Rooster’s voice broke through, desperate, pleading.

“There’s no other way!” Maverick barked, cutting him off. He yanked back on the stick, and the jet surged upward, climbing toward the heavens with a stomach-lurching force. The roar of the engines reverberated through the cockpit as the F/A-18 strained against gravity. G-forces pinned Maverick and Rooster in their seats, every movement a battle against the crushing weight.

“Eject, eject, eject!” Maverick shouted, his voice sharp and commanding over the deafening cacophony of alarms.

Rooster grabbed the ejection handle, pulling with all his might. But nothing happened.

“It’s not working!” Rooster’s voice was a mixture of panic and disbelief.

Maverick’s heart sank. In that moment, he knew. The grim reality of their fate hit him like a cold wave. “I’m sorry,” he said, his voice cracking. He exhaled a breath heavy with guilt. “I’m sorry, Goose.”

Behind them, the Fifth Generation jet loomed closer, a predator stalking its prey. The sleek silhouette was a deadly phantom, its missile bay sliding open with mechanical precision. In the cockpit, the enemy pilot’s targeting system painted a red square over Maverick’s jet, the lock tone a piercing confirmation of impending doom.

But before the missile could launch, a blinding explosion erupted behind them. A brilliant bloom of fire and shrapnel lit up the sky, the Fifth Gen jet obliterated in an instant. The shockwave rattled Maverick’s plane as the wreckage disintegrated into fiery debris.

“Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen,” a voice crackled over the comms, smooth and full of swagger. “This is your savior speaking. Please fasten your seatbelts, return your tray tables to their upright and locked position, and prepare for landing.”

Rooster’s face broke into a disbelieving grin as the unmistakable silhouette of Hangman’s F/A-18 screamed past, trailing smoke but very much alive. “Hey, Hangman... you look good.”

Hangman’s grin was almost audible in his reply. “I am good, Rooster. I’m very good.” His tone carried his trademark bravado, but beneath the bravado was an edge of adrenaline-soaked determination.

Maverick and Rooster exchanged a glance, relief washing over them like a wave.

Hangman’s F-18 roared triumphantly as he flew in formation beside Maverick and Rooster, his victory roll a bold signature in the aftermath of chaos. The comms crackled with tension turning into relief, but just as Maverick’s hand began to ease off the stick, a sharp alarm blared in Hangman’s cockpit.

“What the...” Jake’s voice was sharp, the easy swagger gone in an instant. His eyes darted to the radar. “We’ve got incoming from below—surface-to-air missile!”

The call snapped through the comms, and Rooster’s heart leapt into his throat. “Hangman, get out of there!”

From a concealed position on a rocky outcrop, the anti-aircraft station fired its payload. The missile shot upward, a white-hot spear against the vast blue expanse. Its contrail curled like a deadly serpent, homing in on Hangman’s jet with unrelenting precision.

“Hangman, break left!” Maverick barked.

Hangman reacted instantly, wrenching the stick hard. His jet rolled sharply, diving into an evasive spiral. The missile followed, closing the distance with terrifying speed. Jake’s breath came in sharp, shallow bursts, the cockpit filled with the insistent wail of alarms.

The missile streaked past, its proximity detonator triggering a thunderous explosion just behind him. The shockwave slammed into his jet, sending it into a violent spin. Shrapnel tore through the fuselage, warning lights blazing red across his dashboard.

“Dammit!” Hangman growled through gritted teeth, his hands a blur as he fought to steady the aircraft. The F/A-18 sputtered and groaned in protest, its right engine coughing black smoke. He forced the jet into a shallow climb, but every maneuver felt like dragging a wounded beast.

“She’s not gonna make it,” Jake muttered to himself, his voice grim. “I’m ejecting!”

Before he could act, another alarm shrieked: fuel leakage, fire risk imminent. Jake’s jaw tightened. The carrier was visible now, a speck on the ocean’s horizon. Gritting his teeth, he pushed the throttle forward, coaxing every last ounce of power from the crippled plane. The enemy anti-aircraft station faded behind him, out of range, as he closed in on the carrier.

The jet wobbled precariously, the left engine surging unevenly. As Jake neared the carrier, the distance seemed to stretch endlessly. His knuckles whitened as he gripped the stick. “Come on, girl. Just a little farther,” he whispered, urging the jet to hold together.

At last, the moment came. Jake yanked the ejection handle, the canopy blasting away with a deafening crack. The seat launched him skyward, the force slamming into him like a freight train. Wind roared in his ears as he shot into the heavens, the ocean spinning below in a dizzying blur. His parachute deployed with a sharp jerk, and he hung suspended, the world suddenly quiet save for the distant rumble of waves.

Below, the F/A-18 spiraled downward, smoke trailing like a dark ribbon in the sky. It hit the water with a final, echoing impact, disappearing beneath the waves in a burst of spray.

Jake hit the water hard, the impact rattling through his bones. Waves crashed around him, salt stinging his eyes as he struggled to orient himself. As he floated in the cold expanse of the ocean, Stephanie’s words came back to him with the force of a tidal wave. “I don’t want to spend most of my life home alone, with you on the other side of the world, waiting and praying for you to come back all in one piece.” He had scoffed at those fears then, brushing them off as overly dramatic. But now, bruised and battered, the ocean pressing against his body like an unyielding force, he finally understood. The pain was unbearable. His ribs screamed with every shallow breath, sharp and unrelenting. The explosion had tossed him like a ragdoll, slamming him into something hard before he’d been thrown into the sea. He wasn’t sure what had cracked—maybe two, maybe three ribs—but every movement sent a white-hot agony lancing through his torso. His left shoulder was useless, dislocated or worse, the pain radiating in nauseating waves. Blood from a gash on his forehead dripped into his eyes, mixing with salt water, stinging like fire. His fingers trembled as they tried to grasp onto anything, but the ocean was an unforgiving void, dragging him down, forcing him to fight for every second.

The cold was just as vicious as the pain, gnawing at his bones, wrapping around him like a death shroud. It seeped into his lungs, making each breath more of a struggle, more labored, more desperate. His limbs felt sluggish, the weight of exhaustion pressing down, urging him to give in, to just let go.

And yet, none of it hurt as much as the echo of her voice in his mind.

She hadn’t wanted this—not just for him, but for herself. She had feared this agony, the waiting, the not knowing. She had feared waking up to a phone call, or worse, silence. And here he was, body battered and broken, trapped in the nightmare she had dreaded. If he died here, she would feel this pain too—not in her ribs, not in her bruised skin, but in her heart.

The sound of a rescue chopper overhead was the sweetest thing he’d ever heard, but it couldn’t drown out the echo of her voice in his mind.

Strong arms hauled him aboard minutes later, his body aching but intact. He managed a weak grin as the crew checked him over. “Guess I won’t be winning any beauty contests today,” he quipped, wincing as they prodded a particularly sore spot on his ribs.

Back on the carrier deck, Maverick and Rooster were waiting after their difficult landing. As Jake’s boots hit the steel, Maverick was the first to step forward, pulling him into a tight embrace. Rooster clapped a hand on his shoulder, his relief evident.

“You okay, Hangman?” Rooster asked, searching his face.

Jake’s grin was razor-sharp, his voice dripping with mockery. “What’s the matter, Rooster? Afraid I’d let a love tap like that get the better of me? Please, I’m too good to go out like that.”

Maverick shook his head, a small smile tugging at his lips. “You scared us there for a second.”

“Scared? Nah,” Jake replied, though his voice faltered slightly. He felt nauseous and tired. The pain was too strong. He needed to lay down as soon as possible. He looked out over the ocean, the weight of what had just happened settling in. It was the first time he had been hit during battle. For the first time, the reality of how close he had come to the edge hit him like a sucker punch. Stephanie’s voice echoed in his mind, her fears, her anger, her heartbreak. “Jake. Go. For the good of the children. Please,” she had said, her words laced with a finality he hadn’t wanted to hear. Those words rang louder now, their meaning carving into him deeper than the bruises from the ejection.

This was it. This was what she had been afraid of all along.

He masked the tremor in his chest with another smirk, giving them both a playful shove. “Alright, let’s stop hugging and start celebrating. Drinks on me when we get back.”

But as the others laughed and moved to debrief, Jake stood on the deck for a moment longer, staring out at the horizon. The salty air stung his face, or maybe it was something else. He reached up and touched the spot on his finger where his wedding band used to be, the emptiness there heavier than it had ever been.

- - - - - - - 

The hum of the military transport plane echoed in the cabin as the Dagger team sat strapped in their seats, exhaustion etched into their faces. Despite their weariness, there was an undercurrent of relief and quiet pride in the air. The mission was completed succesfully, and they were headed home.

Jake leaned back in his seat, his bruised body reminding him of the events with every jolt of turbulence. He closed his eyes, listening to the muffled hum of engines and the murmur of his teammates’ quiet conversations. Images of the mission flickered in his mind: the chaos, the close calls, and the moments when everything could have gone horribly wrong. His hand instinctively went to his ribs, the ache a constant reminder of just how close he had come to never making it back.

The announcement of their approach to the base jolted him from his thoughts. As the plane descended, he could see the crowd gathered below, a sea of people waiting to welcome them home. Friends, family, and colleagues stood shoulder to shoulder on the tarmac, their cheers already audible even through the thick walls of the plane.

The aircraft landed smoothly, and the ramp lowered to reveal the throng of people. Jake stepped off with the others, the cool San Diego air brushing against his face. The roar of the crowd engulfed him, shouts of celebration and relief echoing in the evening sky. His teammates were greeted with open arms: Rooster swept into the embrace of his father’s old friends, Phoenix laughing as her siblings ran to her, Maverick clapped on the back by Admiral Simpson.

Jake put on his usual cocky grin, waving to the crowd and soaking in the applause. As a fellow pilot approached, Jake smirked and gestured toward the ocean. “Just gave the Grim Reaper a swimming lesson. Poor guy wasn’t ready for me.”

The pilot chuckled, clapping Jake on the back, though Jake’s sharp wit barely masked the persistent ache in his side.

He slapped hands with a few colleagues, his charm as polished as ever. But beneath the surface, a hollow ache gnawed at him, and it wasn’t coming from his broken ribs. Around him, the other Daggers were swept into tight embraces, kissed on cheeks, their loved ones holding them like they might disappear again at any moment. Jake’s smile faltered for just a second.

“Hangman!” a voice called, pulling him back to the present. He turned, greeting another colleague with a casual nod, but before he could respond, he felt a small tug at his pant leg.

Jake froze, his heart leaping to his throat as he looked down.

“Daddy!” his son, James, exclaimed, his little arms already wrapped tightly around Jake’s leg. His daughter, Mary, followed close behind, her wide eyes shimmering with joy as she reached up with both arms. “Daddy, you’re home!”

The world around him seemed to fade. Jake dropped to his knees, the persistent ache in his side a distant memory as he scooped them both into his arms. Their small hands clutched at his flight suit, holding on as if they’d never let go.

Their laughter rang out, a sound so pure it brought a lump to his throat. Jake kissed their heads, his voice trembling as he held them close. “Hey, my little wingmen. I missed you so much.”

James grinned, pulling back slightly. “Did you fight the bad guys, Daddy?”

Jake ruffled his son’s hair with a playful smirk. “You bet I did, buddy. But nothing’s tougher than getting hugs from you two.”

Mary giggled, clinging to him even tighter. “Mommy said you’d come back. She was right!”

For a moment, Jake couldn’t speak, his throat tight with emotion. He pressed his cheek against their small heads, closing his eyes as the relief and love washed over him.

Jake’s grip on his children tightened as if afraid they might vanish if he let go. The smell of Mary’s strawberry shampoo and the faint trace of peanut butter on James’s fingers flooded him with a sense of home he hadn’t realized he craved so desperately.

His heart swelled, and for the first time in what felt like forever, the weight he carried—the near-miss, the crash, the tension of battle—seemed to lift, replaced by the simple, overwhelming joy of their presence.

James tilted his head back, his blue eyes sparkling with curiosity. “Did your plane go really fast, Daddy?”

Jake chuckled, the sound catching in his throat as he met his son’s gaze. “Oh, it went faster than fast, buddy. Like lightning in the sky.” He tapped James’s nose, earning a delighted laugh. “But not nearly as fast as I flew back to see you two.”

Mary squeezed his neck, her small voice cutting through the moment. “Did it hurt, Daddy? Mommy said you got... um...” She searched for the right word, her little brow furrowed. “Bumped?”

Jake’s chest ached at the innocence in her question. He pulled her back just enough to look into her wide, green, tear-filled eyes. “It’s okay, sweetheart,” he said softly. “I got a little bumped, but I’m here now. And nothing—nothing—could keep me from coming back to you and James.”

Mary sniffled, resting her head against his shoulder. “I don’t like the bumps.”

“Me neither, princess,” Jake murmured, pressing a kiss to her forehead. He glanced down at James, who was already inspecting the insignia on his flight suit with fascination.

“Did you fight the bad guys for real, Daddy?” James asked again, his voice full of awe.

Jake grinned, though his emotions churned beneath the surface. “I did, bud. But you know what?” He leaned in, lowering his voice to a conspiratorial whisper. “The ones doing the real hard work are you and your sister. You keep me going out there.”

James puffed out his chest, his tiny hand patting Jake’s arm. “We’re your team, right?”

Jake nodded, a lump forming in his throat. “That’s right. My best team ever.”

Mary lifted her head, her small fingers brushing over the dark bruise forming on his jaw. “Can we help you feel better, Daddy?”

Jake’s eyes stung as he smiled. “You already are, sweetheart. Just being here is all I need.”

As he held them, his eyes searched the crowd, his heart pounding. Then he saw her.

Stephanie stood a few feet away from the throng, her arms wrapped around herself. Her tear-streaked face glistened in the twilight, and her eyes met his with a mixture of relief and sorrow. For a moment, everything else faded—the noise of the crowd, the ache in his body, the weight of his guilt.

Without a second thought, he took Jimmy and Mary’s hands and walked toward her. The crowd seemed to part as he approached, murmurs rippling through the onlookers. “Who’s that?” someone whispered, as they had never seen Stephanie or the kids before, but Jake didn’t care.

Stephanie’s lips trembled as he stopped in front of her, their children still clutching his hands. “Jake,” she whispered, her voice breaking.

“What are you doing here?” he asked in utter disbelief.

“I came because...” She stopped, her voice faltering. “Because I had to know you were alive.”

His trademark smirk flickered for a moment, but it lacked its usual conviction. "Guess I’m too stubborn to let a little thing like gravity keep me down."

Her gaze softened as she took in his visible injuries, her worry evident in the way her eyes traced every bruise and cut. “Jake... you scared the hell out of me," she said, her voice trembling.

“I’m sorry,” he said, his voice thick with sincerity. “For all of it. For not listening, for making you feel like you didn’t matter as much as the Navy. For making you go through this. For not being the man you deserved. You were right, Stephanie. About everything.”

Her eyes shimmered with tears she refused to let fall. “Jake, I didn’t want to be right. I just wanted you to come home. To us. I’m the one who’s sorry. I thought... I thought I was doing the right thing. But I was so scared of losing you that I pushed you away.”

“I know,” he said, his hand reaching out to gently touch her cheek. His thumb brushed away a tear. “I finally get it. I finally understand what you meant, what you were so afraid of. And I swear to you, I’m done. No more missions. I talked to my CO on the way back. I’ve requested to become a teacher. The Navy accepted. No more flying into danger. No more making you wait and pray for me to come home.”

Her eyes widened, her breath hitching. “You...”

“I want to be here. With you. With Jimmy and Mary. For the rest of my life,” he said, his voice raw with honesty, every word trembling with the weight of his emotions. His eyes searched hers, desperate to make her understand the depth of his resolve. “I love you, Stephanie. I love you so much. More than I ever thought I could love anyone. And I’m done running, done chasing after things that don’t matter. You and the kids—you’re everything to me. Everything. I just want to come home to you every day, hold you, watch our kids grow up, and give you the life you deserve.”

Stephanie’s shoulders shook as she broke into a sob. Her voice quivered as she took a step closer, her words tumbling out through the tears. “I love you, Jake. I never stopped. Not for a second. I was just so afraid. Afraid of losing you, of the pain of waiting for news that you’d never come back.”

He closed the distance between them, his hand moving to cradle the back of her head as he whispered, “You’ll never have to feel that way again. I swear it.”

And then, in that moment, he kissed her. It wasn’t hurried or tentative, it was a kiss that spoke of all the words they hadn’t said, the years of longing and regret, the promises of a new beginning. Her arms wrapped around him tightly, as if afraid to let him go again, and for the first time in years, the broken pieces of their hearts began to mend.

When they finally pulled apart, tears still glistened in Stephanie’s eyes, but now they were mingled with a smile. She reached down and touched Jimmy and Mary’s blonde heads, their small faces beaming up at their parents. “Daddy’s home,” she said softly, her voice filled with love and reassurance.

Jake knelt down again, pulling his children into another embrace. “You know what this means, right?” he said, his tone lighter now, a spark of his old humor returning. “No more long trips. No more waiting. I’m going to be here to tuck you in every night, to make pancakes on Saturdays, and to embarrass you when you’re teenagers.”

Jimmy giggled. “You already embarrass us, Daddy.”

Jake chuckled, ruffling his son’s hair. “Well, get ready, buddy, because I’m about to make it a full-time job.”

Mary climbed into his lap, her arms wrapping tightly around his neck. “I don’t care if you embarrass me. I just want you to stay.”

He kissed her cheek, his voice tender. “I’m not going anywhere, sweetheart. I promise.”

Stephanie knelt beside him, resting her hand on his shoulder as they held their children together. The setting sun painted the sky in hues of orange and pink, casting a warm glow over the reunited family. For the first time in what felt like forever, Jake felt at peace—not in the skies but firmly on the ground, where he truly belonged.

[Stephanie's clothes for her meeting with Jake]

[suohenki]

on my second playthrough of veilguard (for some reason). this is the insane person's ramblings about lore/writing unlike my last post

this is the first time i've been so utterly bored of a second playthrough. never has an rpg given me this feeling.

like there are no quests i look forward to tbh, every main quest is a long combat sequence. even inquisition had the orlesian ball that you had to resolve with some actual noncombat solutions. (get behind me inquisition i will defend you from the fandom)

made a qunari this time to see if it affects anything, no, really doesn't. there's barely any qunari dialogue options.

picked the crows origin, it is truly astonishing the way they treat them in this game. they seem completely shy about the crows being contract killers? it's not even that they don't talk about the things Zevran talks about, but they fully try to ignore the murder part. Mfrs are freedom fighters now apparently.

and the "twist" villains in the crows storyline are so comically obvious i hoped they were both red herrings. the butcher is so underdeveloped too. the way the illario/blood magic twist is written is confusing, rook sees it all with his damn eyes and then never says a word about it. Yes i think illario is the bad guy here, Rook, i know you heard the "amatus". What. (swear to god the dark brotherhood is more deep than this. i never thought i'd say TES has better writing than DA.)

By the end they never address the fucked up things the crows do, outside of Rook's one throwaway line of "yeah my training was hell lmao." Is it just Aranai that's fucked or what kind of hellish training are we talking about? Rook also mentions having been an orphan... so the crows are as usual but we just won't talk about it. The lore and characters have never been this confusing and woobified. The positivity of Rook rly feels off when they are a trained assassin... no one reacts negatively to it, everyone even goes "Omg lucanis is a killer. Oh, not you Rook, you're better :)" no i don't think he is? Both killers.

Similarly they are so scared of the (elven) slavery in Tevinter. If you hadn't played the previous games you'd be forgiven for thinking Tevinter had no slavery because you missed the 3 sentences that mention it. We are in the slavery capital of Thedas and we are being shy about it. I guess Dorian's and Fenris's stories are too "problematic"... It's frankly gross how they brush it off after how serious it was in previous games. Also crazy how religion never comes up. In the country of the "black divine", you'd think Harding would have something to say at least. It really only now hit me how hard they avoided bringing up non-elven religion when it's been such a big part of the lore...

Neve's storyline just begs to be about the actual known issues of Tevinter instead of whatever it was about, all of it went from one ear, out the other. To me, her and Lucanis are the weakest companions on replay. Neve's voice acting is so strange and flat it's really difficult for me to be endeared by her. (this is coming from a cassandra pentaghast enjoyer)

Even if I think Harding's scenes could be better at least i get what she is about. Tho all the titan stuff feels like it's not treated with the gravity it should be. I do like Taash and Bellara, i just wish Taash wasn't written so immaturely. i never found Sera immature in this way, she's abrasive and yes, "immature" with the pranks etc., but Taash is written like a stereotypical teen, Sera just felt like a weirdo adult. And you can tell Alistair to suck it up lmao, it's really not even comparable. And the Isabela scene with the push-ups.... talk about making it all about yourself. Taash should have just been nonbinary from the start if they were going to make the representation this awkward.

I wish Bellara's quest had more drama. You don't get to save her brother but you also have no scene where, for example, Bellara endangers Rook or lets Anaris escape because she is actually conflicted about her brother... Rook and her just kinda let them go. Bellara is okay with killing her brother with barely any convincing lol.

Emmrich and Davrin are still my favorites, I think Davrin just works, and i like that we get to see more of his background. He's not terribly ~deep~ but he doesn't have to be, saving the griffons is an understandable goal, one that would be devastating to fail. Just a charismatic man that has things he cares about with conviction.

Emmrich is an interesting portrayal of necromancy which is something i'm always receptive to, i'd play a DA game set entirely in Nevarra. His quest has wild tonal shifts but at least the set dressing kept me interested. I do wish we didn't decide for him if he became a lich tho.

I wish with all the companions the way it worked was they decide based on previous dialogues. If you keep encouraging emmrich to pursue lichdom and face his fear then he does, if not, the opposite happens. i'm just not a fan of the "here's the moment where rook decides another person's fate!!!" like why am i deciding. it's their life.

i romanced Lucanis this time to try to see why people like him so much but man, i just think his whole story is a mess. they love to imply all the trauma Lucanis has but don't truly convey any of it. you don't even talk about being a crow with Lucanis like you talk about being a watcher with Emmrich. I guess it's my bad for expecting an assassin that has been tortured and forced into an abomination to be more of an interesting character.

i'm gonna need to know more about a companion than he has trauma, he likes coffee and he cooks, to be invested. The coffee thing feels like flanderization before i even know the man, put the damn cup down. First time i felt this disconnected with a romance.

i felt like they really squandered Spite too. You'd think a demon possessing a companion would cause more trouble than 1 escape attempt. Lucanis missing the first stab attempt barely registers as Spite's fault. Spite doesn't get any sort of pay off or drama.

I could forgive a lot more if the writing was better but the bad writing stands out so much more on a second playthrough. The basic dialogue, the spoon-feeding of info, the marvel-quips, the uninteresting side quests. Can't believe that i had to find out from fucking tumblr that the time Rook spent in the fade was WEEKS, you'd think that would be an impactful detail. Legit thought they got him out in a day lmao. Explains the dagger coming out of nowhere.

They try so hard to make the team cute and wholesome, it cemented my dislike of the found family trope. It comes across as so unearned. The game is like half competent writing, half DA fanfiction. Everything to do with Solas is okay. But everything else is so off. At least they managed to make Solas a love-to-hate type character for those like me who did not care about him in DA:I. The reason i'm not talking too much about the overall plot is it was okay, i just don't care that much about the evanuris. weird choice to try to blame it all on the elves tho. Like i love you but stfu Bellara, you do not have to take on the sins of the father. Have the elves not been through enough?

[snapsnzips]

The end of an era, or a lifetime

The many flavors of grief and coping

Playing through Trespasser for the second time, talking with Leliana especially, where she talks about her memories from Origins and before, takes me all the way back too 2010 when I played Origins for the first time. She was beautiful in her baby-faced earnestness. I've loved having her in my DA:I life so much.

I know I still have Veilguard to play through, but, as of this writing, the Veilguard/Bioware team is disbanded, mostly fired. There won’t be any more Dragon Age and I grieve. It’s strange because I didn’t think at all about Dragon Age for 10 years or more except in nostalgic terms. But I’ve rediscovered my love for the lore and stories of Thedas and I grieve that just as I rediscover it, it’s ending.

I'm still processing my grief and other emotions from playing through Inquisition in December and those feelings are all jumbled up with these feelings.

I played through Inquisition 4 times in a row and it's still what I want to do at night when my brain is too tired to do anything else. I open up the game and walk around Thedas with my friends. I know it's time to move on and let them rest but it's really hard to give them up.

This last fall/winter I did this:

Did a thorough playthrough of Origins and realized I still remembered everything, even dialogue responses.

Did a half assed playthrough of Awakening because I wanted the blood magic tome to do another playthrough as a blood mage in Origins

Started a playthrough of blood mage origins and got bored, moved on to my first ever playthrough of DA2

Made it halfway through DA2, realized I had some wrong outcomes from my origins import and became increasingly anxious because I hadn't paid as much attention as I should have in Awakening (Anders...) and also Nathaniel died because I guess he didn't have enough gear in end game.

Restarted Origins for a meticulous playthrough of Origins and Awakening. Both for the lore and to get the Nathaniel quest. If I knew what I know today, I'd have put Anora on the throne and kept Alistair for myself so I could see him more in DA2. Alas, I can't live through another playthrough (although I set it up like that in my Dragon Age Keep for import into DAI for maximum heartbreak).

Restarted DA2 for a full playthrough, had my heart broken by Anders

Started Inquisition, hated it, went back to DA2 some.

Replayed DA2 a few weeks later when it went on sale on Steam and I could play the DLC (I was playing on my original pre-order disc from 10 years ago).

Went back to DA:I, modded most of my issues away, started playing it and eventually fell in love with it. The Dawn Will Come will always be a truly iconic moment for me. Eventually had my beating heart ripped out of my chest by my romance choice, skipped the other DLC because I needed to play Trespasser instantly for my mental health.

Instantly started a new game so I could get the romance Cullen and I both deserved

Played a third time as a human woman for something different, because I wanted to experience the Iron Bull romance.

Started a 4th playthrough as my canon elf to do a completionist run (I'm 67/69 achievements now too) and start recording footage for therapeutic video making

I actually just finished an EM/Dorian romance playthrough, with just bare minimum power so I could see that story as well.

Dance with Dorian mod. Worth it.

I'm still working on footage for some music video ideas I have and it's really hard to let this game and these characters go. I spent this weekend researching and modding ME1 Legendary because I've never played that story. I'm not sure I'm ready to make new friends yet. But I feel like I need to try.

I'm avoiding Veilguard because I don't think I can care about a new player character. I only care about closure for my Inky. Until I can care about this Rook person and their friendships and connections, I will wait. Surely the emotional hold my inquisitor has over me will fade with time. Won't it?

[theredofoctober]

I sometimes wonder how I miss such huge typos in my work after reading the same text like eleven times... it's so strange!

Cut because I've realised this is sooo long

I do read quickly and skim read as a bad habit left over from academia, so I'm not sure if that's part of it. Maybe?

I've never ever considered I might have dyslexia as I can read and write just fine apart from certain issues. I do have dyscalculia though, so I wonder if it's come from that

I struggle with addition and times tables, and I can't read long numbers without covering the rest of the figure and doing it in parts. I also can't 'see' how many multiple figures there are if they're the same and have to concentrate really hard

Other symptoms I experience are poor direction (yes, I know right from left but it doesn't seem to help) and that I struggle to follow maps to the point I even get turned around in video games 🤣

Also if I write on a page with no margin or even with one at times I slowly write further and further from the left. Teachers used to leave a huge angry red mark on it at school probably thinking I was being a dick and not realising it's something I struggle with

I also couldn't tell the time until I was 8/9 and still struggle with it, especially analogue clocks. It's so fucking bizarre

I've had zero support for it my entire life as I mask being neurodivergent relatively well until I don't, and was academically very talented except in maths so I think all my teachers thought I was a lazy cunt expect the last one I ever had...

God, he was a lovely man.

He died of a heart attack after I finished school which is so upsetting to me because he was the only person who noticed I was severely struggling with maths and gave me a CD with tutorials on it to take home.

After that I practised and practised because I was determined to raise my D to at least a C to get into certain college classes. So I went into Maths every day raising my hand and getting things right, which I'd never done before.

I'd straight up copy other people's work 🤣 I couldn't understand any of it. It was like gibberish. I knew I needed to know this stuff, but the After School classes went right over my head, and I felt angry I had to do this fucking class at all. I used to stare out of the window or at my watch bored as hell

Then after all this studying I got good. Don't ask me how. I think I'm good at learning through repetition and breaking things down to understand them. That's why the tutorials helped, I could replay them without someone staring or yelling at me

I could see the pride on my teacher's face when I shot up in class. He didn't judge me for messing with my calculator when I wasn't supposed to be relying on it because we both looked at each other and said I won't have it in the exams, and that's when I knew he trusted that I would be okay doing it without.

I was.

I got a high B, didn't get an A because I was in set 2 and only set 1 were doing the equations and such that would get you an A or A*. The pride on his face on results day was so amazing to me...

Like he saw that I had a disability, that I wasn't making things up or being lazy or a dick. He saw that I genuinely had a problem and he helped me in the way somehow he knew would help.

I'll never forget him. It was such a simple thing he did and so beautiful and empathetic

I'll never get the chance to thank him 😭

I've lost all my maths knowledge now so sadly I suck again, I'm only good at things when I practice heavily and memorise the knowledge and information. My brain is very strange.

Anyway, long story short haha. I do wonder if there's something there with language, if only a weak presence.

But I think about that teacher and think about how he quietly trusted I'd get there, and everything is okay ❤️ I never ended up in a career I would use any college or uni stuff but I did absorb the lessons I learned.

I'm where I need to be, starting my third book and first novel, with two novel drafts on the way!

[timeshift-playground]

uhm ultrakill hc talk (V1 and Gabriel edition)

guys did you know i like ultrak- *explodes*

\\also slight suicide mention

-🪷 (Adrian)

VERY LONG POST so the rest is after the cut

V1:

Runs digitigrade

The heels on its feet are actually the jet boosters that let it dash

maybe has small wheels built into its feet to help it slide. maybe. i swear i don't just want the murder robot to have heelies

weird fucking insect THING

Any idea of affection and human actions it has learned from observing its creators interact. Ex. blinking, twiddling its thumbs, etc

Also the concept of it being capable of mercy is very interesting to me. We see in the ferryman fight that once he stops attacking, V1 does too. The same with characters giving monologues and such. It doesn't attack until it knows the target is a threat, and seeing that everything in hell is like completely hostile we don't really get to see it sparing those who don't harm it.

as for killing i feel like it just doesn't feel anything. It doesn't have satisfaction it's just doing what it has to to survive, like a wild animal. I think it's going down through hell not only out of hunger but also curiosity. I mean it probably consumes a lot of blood to run its systems at the capacity it does so. Things like the cybergrind serve as practice when it gets bored (also it def replays its favorite fights)

As for dying i have two ideas

It leaves the pools of blood instead of collecting them for a reason. Once it is destroyed it can absorb blood from the ground to put itself back together. This of course takes time, which is why the enemies and bosses come back after you die. Meaning it's immortal

Hell itself brings V1 back each time because it wants entertainment, maybe resetting time too??? This doesn't really make sense to me tho

Gabriel:

gifted kid syndrome and BADDDDD

Shapeshifter. I don't know why. He has a human form (i refuse to believe he'd be white) and a more angelic form (his head is just a biblically accurate angel

immortal with his light, but can be exhausted with enough harm (ie. first fight)

his wounds heal extremely fast, but the more exhausted he gets the slower he heals (this is why he can taste his blood in the second fight)

this guy. oh my GAWD. Daddy issues times 10000000. Nice chill dude but indebted to his job because the council. I think he had a good friendship with minos before he had to kill him. Secretly played organ and read stories to filth children he didn't think belonged in hell (such as those who died to suicide). The only angel who really dared to step foot or even worry about Hell, so the council used his faith as a tool to manipulate him. This is a majority of what drives him to kill the council after the second fight

Now GabV1el, this shit is so canon.

I don't think they're really a romantic pairing, and it's very likely one sided on Gabriel's side. Gabriel is just enamored with V1 because it's the first thing to ever give him true struggle. Killing Minos? Easy. Killing Sisyphus? Easy. Killing the council? Easy. But V1 just keeps beating him. It's a passion to overcome, to finally beat this machine. And I am not normal about it AT ALL

As for V1, I feel like it doesn't understand the concept of romance. Things like kissing and embracing are just an action like any other to it. Although it may find the concept of affection interesting when all contact with others has always been harm

[raven]

not trying to be inflammatory bc i havent played 2064rom in years but what makes you hate it? i dont really remember much from it other than it being a weeby pronouns game

So i havent played it in several years but i might do a replay just to articulate the things that made me so mad. I played it once when i was like 15 and thought it was overhyped but not terrible, but then i watched a playthrough and played it again when i was around 18 or 19 and it really pissed me off. the way they write and present jess made me irate. for context, at this period of time id had to drop out of high school because of chronic illness and i could barely leave my room. so in the game, you name the pov character and choose their pronouns and shit so i assumed it would be some kind of roleplaying type thing. im disabled so i want my character to be disabled. in my head they are. and the game lets you do a lot, they let you choose your DIET... Why cant i make my character like me. but your character is definitely not disabled. whatever most characters cant be disabled but i just like to think about it in my head. its not that big a deal until you meet catgirl jess and immediately commit a microaggression against her. in this world there are genome modification surgeries where people can basically get animal parts and whatever. the reaction to it in-universe is similar to the current feel of transphobia right now. there's also a lot of ways it mirrors racism as well. it's a metaphor. no problem with metaphors. but the way they go about this. basically every scene with jess your character manages to fuck up and make her mad and she explains everything to you. i mean, she's not real. the writers painstakingly describe all of your problems to you. it turns out that she had skin cancer and basically had to get her skin replaced so now shes a catgirl. like literal catgirl with fur. it makes more sense in the game. but the thing is: this is pretty explicitly an allegory for disability, transphobia, AND racism. and the way the game forces your character to treat jess, only to get her pouring out her soul to you, angrily, to educate you, just does not sit right with me at all. it's like the game assumes everyone who plays it is white, cis, abled, and not mentally ill (the word she uses for people who havent had gene therapy is "genotypical" LOL). like the nonstop lectures and then basically misery porn from her.. like with the way she treats you why does she even spell out her entire story. to make *YOU* a better person? Even if the main character ISNT supposed to just be the player's avatar, this would be fucked up. It's not the job of oppressed people to educate their oppressors like this. But idk it's just the vibe that you are supposed to be your character and the characters in the game are speaking to you and lecturing to you. there's not a lot of divide between player and character. so it's very handholdy and its like you do know some people playing this game have actually experienced this shit...? no...? so yeah. its very like Liberal Education type shit but how do you know im fucking genotypical or whatever stupid word you want to use!! just frustrating to go through so much wrt my disability in real life and then be condescended to so frequently. "Hey, player. You know there's people out there with issues, right?" Like it's just the tone nonstop. the way they handled their oppression allegories pissed me off basically. that being said, jess is also one of the only characters in that game who i actually like (aside from your cute robot friend) which may say a LOT about the quality of the writing and just how overall boring it is that when i saw jess i would be physically wincing from what she was about to be a mouthpiece for but she also just had the best personality and design out of anyone. but i like a lot of things with problematic aspects or whatever, but this was the standout stuff of the game because the story wasnt even that good. It came across nasty all for the purpose of conveying a very mid story

[skruzdelynas]

who is/are your comfort character(s)?

lighter or matches?

do you leave the window open at night?

which cryptyd being do you believe in?

what color are your eyes?

why did you do that?

hair-ties or scrunchies?

how many water bottles are in your room right now?

which do you prefer, hot coffee or cold coffee?

would you slaughter the rich?

favorite extracurricular activity?

what kind of day is it?

when was the last time you ate?

do you love the smell of earth after it rains?

are you a parent? (all answers qualify)

can you drive?

are you farsighted or nearsighted?

what hair products do you use?

imagine we’re at a sleepover, would you paint my nails?

do you say soda or pop?

something you’ve kept since childhood?

what type of person are you?

how do you feel about chilly weather?

if we were together on a rooftop, what would we be doing?

perfume/body spray or lotion?

a scenario that you’ve replayed multiple times?

about how many hours of sleep did you get?

do you wear a mask?

how do you like your shower water?

is there dishes in your room?

what type of music keeps you grounded?

do you have a favorite towel?

the last adventure you’ve been on?

is there a song you know every word to by heart?

what’s your timezone?

how many times have you changed your url?

someone in your life, other than a relative, you’ve known for 10+ years?

a soap bar that smells good?

do you use lip balm?

did you have any snacks today?

how do you take your coffee?

an app you frequently use besides this godforsaken site?

what’s your take on spicy foods?

you get a free pass to kill anyone, who is it?

can you remember what happened yesterday?

favorite holiday film?

what was the last message you sent?

when did you first try an alcohol beverage?

can you skip rocks?

can i tag you in random stuff?

who is/are your comfort character(s)? - don't have any from shows or games. I used to have some characters I either created myself or with someone else and I then thought about how they would handle different situations. Two of them were rather "broken" or sad individuals, but I created one of them (the other I created with someone) only to give them mental health issues. I then created them in Sims and played them with stuff like WickedDrugs or this one violence mod. And I really liked V (this one character with blond hair, never gave them a real name) and hoped for her to get better. I really like her and she deserves better. I very often thought about her at my lowest point. Then, some time later, I created another character which helped me to explore more gender related stuff in a safe environment. And guess what, I ended up being like this character... I also really liked them because they are so secure in themselves, they don't care. And I think it was the only charcter I ever created that almost always smiled. And yeah, I also shipped both of these characters at one point, they are so cute love them

lighter or matches? - Lighter, it's easier

do you leave the window open at night? - in summer always

what color are your eyes? - greenish-brownish-greyish

why did you do that? - why-did-you-do-that Aero

hair-ties or scrunchies? - Both, I just use whatever is avaiable

how many water bottles are in your room right now? - 0

which do you prefer, hot coffee or cold coffee? - hmm I like both, bur it's either fresh hot coffee or iced coffee. Lukewarm coffee is alright but it's boring

favorite extracurricular activity? - I don't know, I don't go to school

what kind of day is it? - today is a holiday (at least in "my culture")

when was the last time you ate? - probably 21 Uhr, today I only had a coffee (I had a lot to do)

do you love the smell of earth after it rains? - yes

are you a parent? (all answers qualify) - no

can you drive? - no

are you farsighted or nearsighted? - nearsighted

what hair products do you use? - Ketozolin, sometimes maroccanoil conditioner and oil because I know someone who is a hairdresser

imagine we’re at a sleepover, would you paint my nails? - yes, in black

do you say soda or pop? - neither, english is not my native language and I never have been in a situation where I had to use this word

something you’ve kept since childhood? - these two stuffed animals

what type of person are you? - ambivalent. Caring too much or not at all, being quite but sometimes too loud, sometimes very confident, sometimes not at all. I don't really know

how do you feel about chilly weather? - so I like it, but I get tired of it if it's every day. I also like warm sunny days. I just need variety

if we were together on a rooftop, what would we be doing? - who is we? The person who asks this question? I would really love to play minecraft on my laptop together. Or maybe modifying my Nintendo DS and playing Pokemon

perfume/body spray or lotion? - neither I think?

a scenario that you’ve replayed multiple times? - Can't think of any

about how many hours of sleep did you get? - 6 - 7

do you wear a mask? - currently no

how do you like your shower water? - hot

is there dishes in your room? - only two cups

what type of music keeps you grounded? - no music

do you have a favorite towel? - no

the last adventure you’ve been on? - going to the optician this morning

is there a song you know every word to by heart? - Diabarha - Satan Dementia (because there are no words 🥥)

how many times have you changed your url? - 0

someone in your life, other than a relative, you’ve known for 10+ years? - maybe two old friends, I know them since I was 12 or 13, but I rarely interact with them or not at all (P and L)

a soap bar that smells good? - every fresh soap

do you use lip balm? - no

did you have any snacks today? - no

how do you take your coffee? - soy milk

an app you frequently use besides this godforsaken site? - finch, signal, whatsapp

what’s your take on spicy foods? - it's okay, I don't have many thoughts about it

can you remember what happened yesterday? - yes. Went to the city with my father, bought some stuff, crafted a card, played minecraft, did math, looked into a niche fetish and learned more about it, played minecraft with girlfriend and talked about all the new kinks I discovered on tumblr (we talked about how they develop, when are they harmful, how is the societal impact on it, etc.), replied to some asks from sneasel and chatted a bit with him

favorite holiday film? - no film

what was the last message you sent? - "Wie süß"

when did you first try an alcohol beverage? - 15

can you skip rocks? - what?

can i tag you in random stuff? - always

[nanjokei]

i think the spread of character ai usage (and ai art generation usage also) is definitely an issue with people wanting instant gratification which actual rp usually is just not sustainably built for unless you're doing chat rp, even then your friends aren't awake 24/7 waiting at beck and call to entertain you. it's not literally entitlement, but it 100% stems from entitlement to be entertained constantly and passively instead of actually going out and finding something to do.

god this sounds like such boomer shit but the creation of endless scrolling like on tiktok with specifically tailored algorithms has made people so PASSIVE. ai can never come close to human creators but if people, especially the younger generation, are getting too cozy with choosing it over seeking out other human beings (whether it be indirectly via consuming fanmade work or directly via actual collaborative stuff like online roleplay), then how different is it from the ai "winning"? i don't think any of the excuses are valid. it's a subpar product in every way. it's almost never im character, it breaks if you propose anything too left field, and it's ultimately empty wish fulfilment and i have no idea how anyone past the age of 16 AT BEST gets any gratification from it. is it just the spread of a lack of reading comprehension? OPEN THE SCHOOLS!!

i do think it's an issue of people not being comfortable with boredom, always needing instant gratification, not wanting to sit down and hone a craft, or give the people who hone a craft themselves the time of day because they can't crank out """content""" for you 24/7. in a way, i'm thinking right now, when i'm bored i just channel surf on tv even if i don't do it as much anymore. but most people don't have tv anymore (personally we pirate iptv so LOL). i don't blame it on that necessarily, but i think with the rise of streaming, you just sit there on a media library staring at a bunch of thumbnails and posters, having to make a decision on how to invest your time. in this case, i get why people are so passive. tiktok is easier, character ai is easier. because i never ended up watching anything whenever i opened netflix (when we had it years ago). one could argue that watching tv is passive, but there's still a choice. you check the tv guide or google it and you know a certain show is on tv a certain channel at a certain time so you keep that in mind. what do you do in the meanwhile? i remember when that was an actual routine for me. i'd be slacking and not doing my homework, so maybe i'd draw a bit, maybe i play on my ds for a while, maybe i go make myself a snack or bake some pastries if i have all day, maybe i continue a book or even surf the web a bit.

the instinct of "aight, im gonna do something else on my own while i wait" is kind of dying. yes i'm on my phone! the difference is my use case. these days i'm not on social media aside from here so i don't use it as much aside from talking to friends on messaging clients and playing games (rarely tho). i say this as someone who stares at the ceiling not doing anything for a good bit each day, but at least i feel like i still have retained some ability to sometimes go, ok time to learn about a new hobby! i don't have to even pick it up. just entertaining it is gratifying on its own. i'm not a writer, but sometimes i'll write a little bit for fun then go "yeah i get why i don't jive with this". lately, i've been interested in competitive pokemon (with not much interest before) because i've been replaying platinum. i research a bit, watch videos, i even got a little brave and tested some sample teams on showdown. it was a fun time killer! i might keep doing it. i might even do it later today. i started reading pokespe too to scratch the pokemon itch too. and it's not like i don't suffer from crazy hard executive dysfunction but hey, this is a product of my effort. lately i've been thinking i wanna pick a character in guilty gear and learn at least one combo! trying new things is fun!!!

i'm sure this post sounds self important, self impressed, self absorbed (c-c-c-combo breaker) and boomer ish as fuck but honestly i don't care anymore. if someone who struggles with simple tasks on the daily like me can find shit to do that isn't just instantly caving to endless scrolling and resorting to chatting up an AI then i'm sure most people can too. it is so much more gratifying actively seeking out fun than to be passive about it.

[whenthechickencry]

Umineko Ch1. Replay 1

Decided to replay Umineko again after playing a bunch of Persona games again before this!

When I first played the game I remember thinking the introduction scenes around the airport being very boring, but I have actually been very impressed with them this time! Lots of foreshadowing, and a lot of conversations have clever double meaning

Think the way Battler is just WRONG about everyone is very amusing too, the lines implying Rosa is the one with the most 'common sense', the ones where he says he looks up to George and seemingly has no fucking clue whats George's opinions about him, thinking Kyries decision to enforce some distance is because "he's too old to consider her familly now" and not because she fucking hates him, etc.

George constantly flipping betwwen his need to rub Battler's flaws in his face and him putting in the mature older cousing act is pretty striking on replay (Also I think his fear of vehicles apparently being inherited from Asumu is pretty interesting, wonder if Battler feels getting over his fear is letting go of his connection to asumu)

I think the decision to have Battlers first real monologue be about how being rich is kind of hard is a very interesting way to make it clear he kind of has issues looking outside his perspective without being very overt about it.

Oh Battler you really have no idea what's going on in other people's heads

The immediate dissapointment at not being recognized by Battler :(

Yeah, you sure understand what's going on, huh battler?

Can't help but fawn a little at Battler offering help like that lol

yeah

[super-antelope]

So the Gollum Game

Way to many of my thoughts on Gollum, Daedalic Entertainment and the click-and-point genre.

Recently a new game about Gollum, made by Daedalic Entertainment, came out. It has gotten very bad reviews and a negative response, so much that Daedalic came out with an apology. Now, I haven’t played it myself, but I’ve seen enough clips and screenshots to come to the conclusion that it is exactly as terrible as people say it is.

When this game was first announced back in 2019 I was actually very excited, because I really like some off Daedalics other games. In fact, my favourite game of all time, The night of the rabbit, is made by them.

This was also about a year after the company released the final game in their click-and-point adaptation of The pillars of the earth, which originally is a book by Ken Follett.

It’s a beautiful looking game with a good story and I enjoyed it very much. I thought that if they tackled Tolkiens world in a similar manner, it could make for a really cool and unique game. However, as soon as I found out that Gollum wasn’t gonna be a click-and-point I lost all hope.

Cause here’s the thing, Daedalic games tend to be very much not great when they do games that are other genres. They started out as a company that only made click-and -point, and it’s definitely their strongest suite. I’m not saying that all of their other games are terrible. I haven’t played any of them, and can therefore not make that judgement. I can however look up what people who have played them think, and if you look at the steam reviews on some of their games, there’s a clear pattern.

Here are some of their click-and-point games:

And here are some of the others:

They haven’t released any new click-and-point (as both devs and producers) since Pillars of the earth, and it also seems to be the last game since, that was actually really good. They were gonna release a click-and-point called The Devil’s men, but unfortunately it got cancelled in 2018, which is a shame since it looks sooo cool!

It’s a little unclear why it got cancelled. I’ve seen some people say that it was because Daedalic didn’t think people was interested in that genre anymore, or that they thought it wasn’t gonna make them enough money, but I haven’t been able to find any direct quotes or sources to these statements. So take that with a grain of salt

So where am I going with this??

Well, my point isn’t that I think Daedalic should stick to just click-and-point and nothing else. I totally get that making games that are always in the same vein and/or genre can be boring and uninspiring. I don’t wanna blame anyone for wanting to try something new or different. You should be able to make games and projects that you find fun and enjoyable to make, that you actually want to make, even if other people want you to make other games that you might not find inspiring. However, I just can’t help but feel like this isn’t the issue here.

Despite my love for them, most of their click-and-points has several flaws, some more than others. They are in no way, shape or form perfect, far from it. However, these games are still great and obviously loved by many, and I think the reason for that is that there’s so much heart in them. You can feel that they hade a blast making them while you play them, and that, combined with beautiful artwork and incredible soundtracks, is exactly why they work, despite the many flaws. The best example here is Deponia, one of their most appreciated game franchises.

It has the absolute worst main character I ever played as, some of the puzzles makes absolutely no sense, whatsoever, the “dark humour” often leaves a bad taste in your mouth, cause instead of being actually good jokes, it feels like it crosses the line just to cross the line. Do I still love the games to death, and have replayed them multiple times? Absolutely yes

And once again, take this with a grain of salt since I actually haven’t played any of them and I’m basing this of reviews, but that heart seems to be missing in their other genre games. They don’t feel as genuine and as cared for, they lack passion and creativity. And the same goes for Gollum more than anything else.

It just makes me so sad that it seems like Daedalic have given up on a genre that they did so well. Not because they don’t want to make more click-and-points, but because they think that there’s no longer an audience for that genre, and therefore there’s no gain in making anymore. This might of course not be the case at all, but that’s how it feels to me. And it sucks, because while the audience for click-and-point might be smaller than some other genres, their point-and-click games are generally more appreciated, and better received, as I pointed out earlier.

I truly think that Gollum could have been great, if they would have been brave enoughto make it click-and-point. It would have been a risk sure, but I think that even a mediocre click-and-point about Gollum would have been better than what we got. And look, I understand that its unrealistic to wish that all games should always be passion projects. At the end of the day, capitalism is a bitch that has power over all of us, whether we like it or not. Making a game a certain way because you’ll think it’ll be more financially successful, is very fair and valid. But still.

Anyway this ended up being waaaay longer than I intended lol (no one will probably read this, but if you did, hey!! Thanks, my pal!!🤘) I hope that the flop that is Gollum doesn’t hurt the company to much, and I hope that they will continue to create games, whatever genre they may be. And if they’ll make a new click-and-point, then you can be damn sure that I’ll play it!!

[xanderxone]

9/18/2023

Journaling Is Stimming

The moment I fell in the autism rabbit hole, I started devouring videos and the ones about stimming always seemed to grab my attention. One idea that was consistent across all the videos is that autistic people stim to release excess energy that gets built up in their bodies. It has to do with the idea of autistic inertia which I will probably make a post about sometime later.

I have always had what I considered to be an overactive imagination. I often get stuck in my own fantasy worlds in my head or replay conversations or fret about the future or fret about the present or get so lost in a special interest that I can think of nothing else. Wow. I actually spend way more time in my own head than I thought. And while there are times where this is something that I absolutely love about myself, like when I have to drive 3 hours on a long boring highway to my hometown to visit my family. Sometimes I actually look forward to just having 3 hours alone in a car to list to music and let my mind roam. But for the other 99% of my life, I need to actually be present and paying attention. So now I will be on the lookout for my tell-tale circular thoughts so I can just write them down and get them out instead. I've also started to employ a similar strategy at work because I often find myself in situations where I have a question about something that will probably get answered later but I just want to make sure I don't forget to check it. And I have actually started to just write those things down in OneNote and saving them to review later. AND WHEN I TELL YOU THE STRESS THAT HAS JUST WASHED OFF OF ME BECAUSE NOW I KNOW I WON'T FORGET IT LATER IS PALPABLE. I feel like I love my job again and I feel the joy coming back that was gone for a long time.

And so, dear reader, I think if I start writing down anything that gets stuck inside my head, it will be a stim and move all that anxious energy outside of me. And in turn, I will be able to harness a lot more of my mental capacity for other, more important things. AND I WILL STOP FUCKING FORGETTING EVERYTHING.

An interesting emotion that all of this is bringing up is one of shame and humiliation. And I know that it's irrational so I'm keeping it at arm's length to avoid being truly upset by the emotion, but it's existence is intriguing. God I sound like a robot sometimes. Anyway, I think its because I feel really dumb for not realizing all of this sooner? I do struggle a lot with depersonalization issues which I think has also led to me not realizing I was trans until... the same time I learned I was autistic. Look, it's been a really long year, okay? But I think all of the things that have made me incredibly good at masking all these years are the same things that have made me feel like I have a very limited sense of self. I think I'm gonna work on developing one.

One last thing: I always felt like a journal had to be neat and organized and pretty or else it wasn't right. And so I would spend all this time trying to get it perfect and it wasn't sinking in that the whole point is to journal your thoughts and get them out. And so I just felt like it did nothing for me but it's because I was dumb. This blog will be a way for me to stim when I need to get things out. And then I'll also keep a pretty journal full of pages of stickers and pieces of paper that I rip up and glue down that can be a creative outlet for when I need to get out creative energy (it's called junk journaling and if you are a little packrat gremlin who loves tactile doodads and thingies and art, you will love it. And all of the supplies are SO CHEAP online. Look it up on tiktok. Trust me.)

I feel like I might be getting an A in therapy.

--Xander

[crystalelemental]

"books-are-my-life-stuff: And it's not like Rapidash is anything better either (it takes a long time to evolve and its movesets are pretty boring save for Megahorn and Poison Jab from Move Reminder), but it's the only Fire-type option for non-Infernape users that doesn't need super late game TMs to be able to function as a proper Fire-type mon.

Gen 4 is great story and design-wise, but the Pokemon lineup and movesets are…very lacking, something that I didn't notice until I replayed a few times, trying to use different team and different starters, only to end up with mostly the same ones again."

I don't remember ever running a Rapidash all the way through a game, but yeah, late level evolution is kinda rough, though Ponyta has really good BST for a pre-evo in compensation. It's not as bad as like...pretty much anything in Gen 5, if we're being honest. Like yeah okay, Deino, you can evolve post-League if you really want to buddy.

I think it's also the issue of...game structure. Like okay, let's say you're doing what I'm doing, and running some slow Pokemon, like Gastrodon and Lickilicky. Your life is now miserable, compared to someone running Floatzel and Lopunny. You're slow, so you take more hits, and if you even get recovery moves, they come in super late, so you're using a lot of Potions, and you can never really travel around with them in the lead slot because they're slow so you can't run from anything and get stuck in even more battles that land even more damage on you. Back when money was a lot harder to manage, this was difficult to justify. So on top of the moveset issues, you now have money issues as you stock up on more healing items so you can make progress without stopping at the center every other encounter, and what felt like a really fun game the first time through because you ran some good sweepers and just shitstomped things, becomes a tedious slog of trying to level this slow, lumbering shit. It's less engaging, and more effort, for reward you could achieve much easier any other way. While people complained about the Gen 5 habit of healing your team constantly, it objectively made using slower Pokemon better. It's purely an improvement.

[myimaginarywonderland]

While it is easy to just chalk up this boring season to the Verstappen dominance, I think to truly understand why everyone is not enjoying it we need to dive deeper.

I definitely think the fact that RedBull has such a fast car is the first step to just less enjoyment. Especially when you have other series where there isn't a dominant team let alone driver, you kind of sometimes which F1 would be like that again which just seems impossible with the modern regulations. It already adds the "well this team will win anyway unless something bad happens to them."

Which immediately brings me to the other issue that's reliability. I honest to god feel like this is the season were cars are the most reliable. Almost all DNFs that happened this season were caused by drives error in one way or another and there's rarely any technical DNFs in comparison to say for example 2017/2018.

Now we come to the problem that is just DNFs in general. There's also rarely DNFs this season because drivers don't make errors that result in race finishing scenarios anymore.

To build onto this, there's definitely less chaos because of DNFs. It feels like almost all the teams agree with the same strategy unless it's a back maker team making a gamble and therefore there's no unpredictability anymore in any scenario that might happen after something like a car stopping next to the track.

Now we move onto a previous point. While there was a winning team you would at least have unpredictability. 2020, which honestly was a massive dominant season for Mercedes where there was mostly Lewis winning races still saw 3 other people winning that weren't equiped with the Mercedes and 4 if we count Val. Why? Because Mercedes messed up or something went wrong in Qualy. With RedBull (kudos to them) there's basically no one who even believes they have any room for error. Like they are such a well oiled machine that you can't even see them with Max making a mistake.

Another huge problem is also undoubtedly the calendar. We have had so many tracks where qualifying basically determines the finishing order because there's such a low possibility for overtaking that you don't expect really much changes. It adds another layer of finality before the race has even started.

To add onto that we have to talk about the giant gaps between the teams. While yeah RedBull is definitely dominant, there are also just such big gaps between all the other teams. Alex said it before that basically there's just no way to get points for anyone that isn't in Aston, RedBull, Ferrari or Mercedes because those teams are guaranteed the top 8 if everything goes right. And yet between them there is also right now rarely a fight because the tracks just suit some cars better which means it's always another layer of "Right, this will be a RedBull + Nando podium" or "Right, this is a RedBull+ Lewis podium." The gap between the top 4 is already turning out bigger and then from there on it's just another huge gaps. There's barely any fight between midfield teams and the backmakers are most likely also just obvious and nowhere close to any fight. The field is so spread out often that even if the tracks allowed overtaking it's basically impossible due to the large team gaps.

Another thing that has become quiet prominent is the DRS train which often times just means even if a car does have more pace, there's just no way for it to overtake because it is a hindrance basically impossible to pass. I truly do think this is more prominent this season and it's so interesting think about why but that's not the point. The point is it poses another problem that makes enjoyment dimed.

And lastly a huge problem I have found myself having is also the coverage of the race. Sometimes it truly does feel like there is nothing that we are shown or the lack of communication from comms leaves you an entire race wondering why a driver is in his position because it's not something deemed replay worthy and the commentators are more focused to make a race seem interesting than actually keeping you update on everything. It makes it hard to follow and I can't imagine coming in as a new fan sometimes because it truly can seem like there's a lack of communications.

[manonamora-if-reviews]

Approaching Hordes! by Craig Ruddell

============= Links

Play the game See other reviews of the game

============= Synopsis

It's officially hit the fan! Cause, unknown. There's no time to worry about that now anyways...there's a zombie horde approaching! Your job...gather as many survivors as you can and hold out for as long as possible. You'd be the hero if you can find a cure, but digging an escape tunnel might be a good insurance policy.

============= Other Info

Approaching Hordes! is a Twine (SugarCube) game, submitted to the 2022 Edition of the IFComp. It placed 49th overall.

Status: Completed Genre: Apocalypse, Zombies, Resource Management

CW: / Note: Zombies, violence, death,

============= Playthrough

First Played: 2-Oct-2022* Last Played: 26-May-2023 Playtime: around 1h-ish? I took a break somewhere Rating: 2/5 Thoughts: If I was this bored managing resources during a Zombie Apocalypse, I would probably die.

*I had reviewed the game during the IFComp in the Author's section (which was hidden to the public). I forgot to keep track of the notes I gave though... You can find the OG review under the cut.

============= Review

Approaching Hordes! is part Choice-based, part Resource Management in a basic SugarCube UI, following the player has he leaves his infected family behind and tries to survive hordes of zombies.

Spoilers ahead. It is recommended to play the game first. The review is based on my understanding/reading of the story.

Preface: Before getting into replaying the game, I could not shake off the feeling that I was going for a bad time. I remember not liking the game at all (I think my OG review shows that). Still, I am going into it with a somewhat open mind?

The game start with a short prologue, spanning a couple of days, where you notice an increase of gunshots in the neighbourhood and order your wife to check it out (day 0); wake up, find your neighbour informing you of the zombie apocalypse, find your wife having turned into s zombie and Mike-Tyson-punch her, and set up camp (day 1); constructing a guard tower (day 2, very quick); and becoming unanimously the leader of the 11 survivors (day 3).

Then starts the Resource Management. At the time of the first review, I had not seen many Twine games doing something that was not Choice-Based (aside from my own little tavern). Instead of taking the traditional approach of a choice list to resolve issues, Approaching Hordes! combines the Idle game format to managing the compound and its resources. It is an interesting way of pushing the SugarCube/Twine engine in this manner. You have three levels of difficulty. I've played only on Easy and Medium.

However, it soon becomes tedious, and I would put the blame on the idleness of the game. Resource management is very fun, as having to balance the use and harvest of set resources can be challenging but also quite rewarding. Idle games, on the other hand, often requires you to step away from the game and leave it on in the background. Except you can't do that here. Closing and reopening the game brings you right back to the moment you left it. Leave the page idle for too long or change tabs and it just... pauses. You have to keep the page open and focused, watching the bar fill up slowly.

There is nothing else to do in the meantime, no extra story, no dialogue with the other survivors, no personal thoughts... just sitting at a desk and moving people around.

Granted the first quarter(-ish) of that part is a bit stressful. You only have 10 survivors with you out of the max 50, you need to make sure you have enough food, that there are guards around, that the compound is secure and repaired, and that the camp is happy. But as soon as you max out the survivors (which can be preeeettttyyyy quick), you are essentially done. It's just a matter of moving a few of the survivors around to the relevant ending (escaping or cure).

The first time I played the game (during the IFComp), I got incredibly bored and just let my survivors die/leave camp halfway through (all forced to build that tunnel, waiting for the end link to appear on my screen (I think I got a bad ending). This time, I tried to be more diligent and finished the zombie cure. But by jove was it tedious. I was legit writing this review at the same time to fill my waiting between moving one or two survivors around.

Depending on the path taken (win/lose - cure/escape), you will have a bit of a different ending from a news-cliping, before you are able to see the different important steps of your journey in a notebook. But those are just two screens. And after spending all this time waiting and clicking stuff every few minutes or so, it honestly felt unrewarding (especially when I freakin found the cure!!).

Suffice to say, it still didn't tickle my bone the second time around either...

Some other points:

there is humour in the text, but it really wasn't to my taste. The jokes and the nudges fell flat or forced. It often made me cringe, but not in a enjoyable way.

I still don't know if you are supposed to like the protagonist at all (from the text, I don't think so?), but I thoroughly hated him. He is an absolute dick (especially to his wife) but somehow everyone thinks the sun shines from his ass (how you get the leadership still astounds me).

I wasn't particularly moved by the prose, and often felt a bit uneasy by the tone flipping too abruptly from comedy to action to "horror". Part of it is probably because I loathed the protagonist.

while the visual was simple, there was issues with refreshing the page (which reloaded everything) and with the contrasting of the text (especially when choosing the action in the resource management block).

As a proof of concept (Resource Management Idler in Twine), it worked. This game really tried something new (in my book) with the interactiveness and that should be commendable. But the fiction of it all was really eh.

=======================

OG Review during the IFComp

Zombie apocalypse meet Management Sim.

This was the first time I saw something quite like this with a Twine game (I usually see more Choice-based game) and it was interesting to see what else one can do with the system itself. Who knew resource management was on the table! This was kinda neat to see.

That said, after the prologue, the game became a bit boring. This is usually the case with idler-games, you just end up waiting for progress bars to fill up, which is the case with this game as well. Even if you need to tweak between the options, there’s not much you can do but wait. Only having the resource management/idler for this long really breaks the flow.

It’s a bit of a shame that there is no story past the prologue and that you, as the leader, you do nothing but tell a survivor where to go and wait. There is some story after the horde arrives (at least 30min after you get into the compound), but, even though I was yearning for something else to do than wait for the progress bar to fill up, I had mentally checked out of the game when it appeared.

I also had some issues with the little story you end up having. The text is at time confusing (your spouse is on top of you, but the next line is she is far enough that you can punch her?) and missing/misusing punctuation. Some paragraphs have very disconnected tone [Though I always like to be able to flip off my neighbour]. I didn’t understand the rationale behind you the player being set as the leader of the group either (why would people follow someone who’s clearly a not-so-nice person and a terrible spouse?).

Some formatting is a bit off. Rather than change days in the middle of one passage, they probably should have gotten a new passage instead.

Overall, I liked that it was different and tried to do something new with the Twine Engine, but not having anything really to do during the resource management portion really decreased my enjoyment of the game.