#replaying it now i think there's also the issue that it's just boring

[flash-from-the-past]

Cake Mania

[apollos-boyfriend]

Hey I've been observing from afar through your reaction blogging, I haven't been in mcyt as much since the dsmp ended but I still care about a lot of the people in the mcyt circle and I'm interested in what goes on - care to give a rundown of what happened at this twitch rivals thing everyone keeps talking about? (no pressure only if you want to) Aside from the fact I'm sure it was terribly run like most twitch rival events are, but it sounds like there was more to it than that

okay so. i am going to be missing quite a few details because i missed a day myself + my streamer could not care less, so i heavily encourage others to add on stuff i missed

this was a multi-day competition, running for 5 days with prize rewards from 1k to 100k. it started with i think 150 players, with select numbers of people getting eliminated each round. day 1-2 are fairly normal, at least for twitch rivals. of all the games that got played through the whole event, i'd say like 1 was actually good, and maybe 2 were decent, at best. most are bad, poorly-executed, poorly thought out, or just boring in terms of both player enjoy-ability and content creation.

DAY 3 EDIT:

now, sapnap's been sapnap for this entire event already. obnoxious, a bad sport, but most notably, playing DMCA'd songs. the event ran on proximity chat, so while he was unmuted, everyone around him would also be subject to said songs, which could mute vods at worst and terminate accounts at best. most people are fed up with him at this point. while everyone's trying to come up with solutions for the glitch, sapnap spams the discord with useless shit. couriway calls him out in the discord, calling him annoying and obnoxious, then later calling him a cunt in twitch chat. sapnap uses couriway and feinberg's name in his stream title for clickbait and talks shit about them + their friends (hbg/house builder gang). he also makes some weird comment asking if couri is homophobic because sap was talking about having skeppy's dick in his mouth?? or something?? i'm unsure exactly how day 3's issue of the glitch resolved.

day 4 is also your average experience with your usual range of average to horribly painful games. sapnap continues to be a bitch and not take responsibility for his stans attacking anyone in sight, but what else is new

day 5 is. bad. the game set for deciding the final competitors can be cheesed (if you let someone else do all the work, you can punch them in the last second and steal their win) and eliminates like 20 people at once. on top of that, a glitch happens that leaves the server on standby for at least 30 minutes while admins decide what to do. firebreathman sends a picture of a bare naked ass in the discord. someone else sends a photo of their debit card. streamers entertain themselves in various ways, including growing a cactus (fulham), playing osu (purpled), collecting other people's streams for their overlay (fruitberries), playing slime rancher (badboyhalo), and building real-life furniture (couriway). tubbo (who was already eliminated at this point) starts jumping between streams and asking in chat for the tea. the game is eventually replayed, deciding the final 4 players, but it's just as broken and at that point, no one wants to be there anymore. it's revealed through multiple streamers (purpled, i believe also feinberg) that twitch rivals games are not tested before being ran. the only testing done was a stress test to see if the server could handle all original 150-some players. this explains why the games are so bad and poorly organized (some games take over an hour, others barely 30 minutes).

the final four are sapnap, shadoune, sneegsnag, and i think feinberg. it's the most anticlimatic game of connect 4 you can imagine. sneeg eliminates sapnap, and shadoune eliminates fein. notably, fein's game glitches during a throw, which despite being obviously a glitch, the coordinators brush off as being "part of the game". fein and multiple other streamers spend time analyzing every pov frame by frame and all agree that yeah, that was a glitch. shadoune and sneeg are left for the finals. they come to an agreement that this is stupid and a horrible event. tired of this bullshit, they purposefully stall the games and run a podcast for approximately 2 hours, forcing the coordinators to bend to their commands hunger games-style. essentially since the first glitch of the day people were begging twitch to just split the money, something that wouldn't be easy according to tubbo, because everything is pre-signed and delegated before the event. sneeg and shadoune give no fucks, and force the coordinators to split the money anyway, winning the day through the power of friendship. i cannot stress enough how no one wanted to fucking be there by the end of all this.

[timeshift-playground-sys]

uhm ultrakill hc talk (V1 and Gabriel edition)

guys did you know i like ultrak- *explodes*

\\also slight suicide mention

-🪷 (Adrian)

VERY LONG POST so the rest is after the cut

V1:

Runs digitigrade

The heels on its feet are actually the jet boosters that let it dash

maybe has small wheels built into its feet to help it slide. maybe. i swear i don't just want the murder robot to have heelies

weird fucking insect THING

Any idea of affection and human actions it has learned from observing its creators interact. Ex. blinking, twiddling its thumbs, etc

Also the concept of it being capable of mercy is very interesting to me. We see in the ferryman fight that once he stops attacking, V1 does too. The same with characters giving monologues and such. It doesn't attack until it knows the target is a threat, and seeing that everything in hell is like completely hostile we don't really get to see it sparing those who don't harm it.

as for killing i feel like it just doesn't feel anything. It doesn't have satisfaction it's just doing what it has to to survive, like a wild animal. I think it's going down through hell not only out of hunger but also curiosity. I mean it probably consumes a lot of blood to run its systems at the capacity it does so. Things like the cybergrind serve as practice when it gets bored (also it def replays its favorite fights)

As for dying i have two ideas

It leaves the pools of blood instead of collecting them for a reason. Once it is destroyed it can absorb blood from the ground to put itself back together. This of course takes time, which is why the enemies and bosses come back after you die. Meaning it's immortal

Hell itself brings V1 back each time because it wants entertainment, maybe resetting time too??? This doesn't really make sense to me tho

Gabriel:

gifted kid syndrome and BADDDDD

Shapeshifter. I don't know why. He has a human form (i refuse to believe he'd be white) and a more angelic form (his head is just a biblically accurate angel

immortal with his light, but can be exhausted with enough harm (ie. first fight)

his wounds heal extremely fast, but the more exhausted he gets the slower he heals (this is why he can taste his blood in the second fight)

this guy. oh my GAWD. Daddy issues times 10000000. Nice chill dude but indebted to his job because the council. I think he had a good friendship with minos before he had to kill him. Secretly played organ and read stories to filth children he didn't think belonged in hell (such as those who died to suicide). The only angel who really dared to step foot or even worry about Hell, so the council used his faith as a tool to manipulate him. This is a majority of what drives him to kill the council after the second fight

Now GabV1el, this shit is so canon.

I don't think they're really a romantic pairing, and it's very likely one sided on Gabriel's side. Gabriel is just enamored with V1 because it's the first thing to ever give him true struggle. Killing Minos? Easy. Killing Sisyphus? Easy. Killing the council? Easy. But V1 just keeps beating him. It's a passion to overcome, to finally beat this machine. And I am not normal about it AT ALL

As for V1, I feel like it doesn't understand the concept of romance. Things like kissing and embracing are just an action like any other to it. Although it may find the concept of affection interesting when all contact with others has always been harm

[crystalelemental]

What do you wanna see the postgame in Pokemon you want? I feel like it's kinda tricky to figure out myself when I replay the postgame content in numerous times.

Okay this might go for a while, because the short answer is "I don't think I know anymore."

Part of the issue is defining what count as "postgame." Like, is Kanto Redux in Gen 2 postgame because the League is the finish point, and Red is optional superboss content, or is that part of main game? Is the second half of Unova optional postgame content, or is it main game because you technically never finished your League quest? Some situations, like the Emma and Anabel quests in Gens 6 and 7, feel pretty decisively postgame, as do things like Delta Episode. But what counts and what doesn't is up for some debate, and I'm...not really sure where I draw the line. I've referred to everything in the second half of Unova as postgame, but now I question that decision.

More to the point, postgame runs into two specific problems in both story and gameplay areas.

Gameplay is probably best explained by Bopper's Gen 2 video. In it, he expresses that a major selling point of Pokemon is the emphasis on continued growth and development, talking about how moves being learned late or late appearing Pokemon give players something to work toward, and keep the game fresh and interesting. And to be honest, this tracks. As someone who's owned cheat devices most of his Pokemon career, you do try to hack in final teams right at the start and they get stale really fast. Having something to work toward is part of the fun.

Postgames tend to run into the problem of not having anything left to specifically work toward. The difference between Crystal's Kanto Redux and Platinum's battle island is that in Platinum, my team is done and has learned everything. As a result, that island doesn't really offer anything particularly fun. While I've been a proponent of Gym Leader and League rematches in the past, they also have the issue of...not doing anything different. Red as a new final conflict requires a different approach from facing off against Lance and the League, but Cynthia 1 and Cynthia 2 go down to exactly the same strategy. There's less to work toward, so the island feels entirely boring to me. It's a complete slog.

While there are opportunities to switch up the team, sometimes that comes a bit late, and isn't exactly...engaging. It works in a game like Crystal because of how type matchups work, where Misdreavus can be caught and immediately blank Red's Snorlax, or Tyranitar countering half of Red's team. Or in Emerald, Mawile can hard counter Steven's entire team with careful play. But later games don't have that opportunity. It's just lower level stuff, sometimes weaker stuff, with no real gameplay benefit.

Which leads to the main thing. This is a Monster Collecting game. Its postgame is effectively completion of the dex. Which is something Pokemon is uniquely terrible at. A game like Nexomon (which is excellent and should be played) lets your postgame be hunting down everything, which is all available in that one playthrough. But Pokemon has version exclusives that demand two games, and internet connection, and with Switch paying for online connectivity. In addition, while Nexomon has a ton of Legendary status mons, it also gives a ton of Golden Nexotraps for assured captures to simplify the process. Meanwhile, Pokemon gives you one (1) Master Ball, then gives you a gauntlet of like a dozen Legendary Pokemon that are wretched to catch because of how annoying their systems are. Monster collecting in the most popular Monster Collecting Videogame is terrible by design. It's never been good, and they're never going to make it good. Though I guess they tried with Galar's Dynamax Adventures and Paldea's fights with main legends. Though they both still do the stupid catching thing in other ways, like the Galar birds and Treasures of Ruin.

I think ideal gameplay actually gives you something to work toward, but also Pokemon really just needs to improve how it operates with catching everything. Which I think it has. To its credit, Galar and Paldea do make it easier to complete the dex by making near everything available. But that's also predicated on dealing with the awful raids and dens, which is somehow worse.

The other element, story, is where things get dicey, and I'll use a comparison to explain. In Nexomon, your postgame events are...honestly the most story intensive segments. They're really good, and my personal favorite parts. More critically, they're continuations. Nexomon 1 follows up the main story of defeating Omnicron with your story of destroying his soul so he can't regenerate (spoilers I guess). Neoxmon 2 follows up all the heavy stuff that happens with a bit of a departure, but only in the sense of setting up the connection between things that happened and things that are about to happen. It's all excellent, and the postgame story is the hook. Granted, alongside new boss fights and challenges and developments that are engaging too. Shame about how the hunt for Tyrants goes, but I digress.

Gen 2 and Gen 5, while they offer postgame, tends to be very light and disconnected on story. There's not as much relevance. Even with things like XY and SuMo and the Paldea DLC, which are much heavier on story, they have...literally no significance to the main event. Like okay, you can argue the thematic relevance of Emma as a character, or that the UB hunt is related to Lusamine's actions, but like...it's really not that connected to what was going on before. Teal Mask is just 100% disconnected, and when they do connect in the Mochi Madness thing, it kinda sucks ass and they wrote Carmine out of it entirely like assholes. I will never forgive that.

I can't say Pokemon's ever really had a great story-centric postgame. It completely lacks in that area, and tells the story it wants to tell centrally. Not that Pokemon's ever been that intense on story. So this is an area it can't really work for. But the ones that do stand out...also run into issues. XY and SuMo have great events with Looker, Emma, and Anabel...but the actual playing of those segments isn't great. And going back to the initial question, does Teal Mask count as postgame if you can do it, entirely, from nearly the start of the game?

The final issue is one of...well, the Battle Facilities. I hate them, personally. I have no investment in playing literal cheating AI at reading minds. Gimmick frontier stuff like in Emerald and Platinum can be fun, but stuff like the normal Battle Tower sucks. Add to it that legendary Pokemon don't count, and there's also very little benefit to gathering legends. You don't really get to do much but stomp the League with the box legends, and...then what? Do a bunch of extra stuff? Run battles that don't allow them? What's the point of having the postgame without those benefits? Galar fixes this a bit by letting anything into Tower, but it's a small concession more than a proper fix.

Honestly, I don't really know what this all adds up to. Part of it is desperately wishing Pokemon had better capture mechanics, because god do the current ones suck. Part of it is thinking that postgame should be a little quick, because usually my complaint is it goes on too long. But I really don't even know what I'd expect anymore. I think that, to some degree, postgame in Pokemon works while the generation is current, but falls off in importance on replays. It's why Daybreak made Legends Arceus worse.

[nanjokei]

i think the spread of character ai usage (and ai art generation usage also) is definitely an issue with people wanting instant gratification which actual rp usually is just not sustainably built for unless you're doing chat rp, even then your friends aren't awake 24/7 waiting at beck and call to entertain you. it's not literally entitlement, but it 100% stems from entitlement to be entertained constantly and passively instead of actually going out and finding something to do.

god this sounds like such boomer shit but the creation of endless scrolling like on tiktok with specifically tailored algorithms has made people so PASSIVE. ai can never come close to human creators but if people, especially the younger generation, are getting too cozy with choosing it over seeking out other human beings (whether it be indirectly via consuming fanmade work or directly via actual collaborative stuff like online roleplay), then how different is it from the ai "winning"? i don't think any of the excuses are valid. it's a subpar product in every way. it's almost never im character, it breaks if you propose anything too left field, and it's ultimately empty wish fulfilment and i have no idea how anyone past the age of 16 AT BEST gets any gratification from it. is it just the spread of a lack of reading comprehension? OPEN THE SCHOOLS!!

i do think it's an issue of people not being comfortable with boredom, always needing instant gratification, not wanting to sit down and hone a craft, or give the people who hone a craft themselves the time of day because they can't crank out """content""" for you 24/7. in a way, i'm thinking right now, when i'm bored i just channel surf on tv even if i don't do it as much anymore. but most people don't have tv anymore (personally we pirate iptv so LOL). i don't blame it on that necessarily, but i think with the rise of streaming, you just sit there on a media library staring at a bunch of thumbnails and posters, having to make a decision on how to invest your time. in this case, i get why people are so passive. tiktok is easier, character ai is easier. because i never ended up watching anything whenever i opened netflix (when we had it years ago). one could argue that watching tv is passive, but there's still a choice. you check the tv guide or google it and you know a certain show is on tv a certain channel at a certain time so you keep that in mind. what do you do in the meanwhile? i remember when that was an actual routine for me. i'd be slacking and not doing my homework, so maybe i'd draw a bit, maybe i play on my ds for a while, maybe i go make myself a snack or bake some pastries if i have all day, maybe i continue a book or even surf the web a bit.

the instinct of "aight, im gonna do something else on my own while i wait" is kind of dying. yes i'm on my phone! the difference is my use case. these days i'm not on social media aside from here so i don't use it as much aside from talking to friends on messaging clients and playing games (rarely tho). i say this as someone who stares at the ceiling not doing anything for a good bit each day, but at least i feel like i still have retained some ability to sometimes go, ok time to learn about a new hobby! i don't have to even pick it up. just entertaining it is gratifying on its own. i'm not a writer, but sometimes i'll write a little bit for fun then go "yeah i get why i don't jive with this". lately, i've been interested in competitive pokemon (with not much interest before) because i've been replaying platinum. i research a bit, watch videos, i even got a little brave and tested some sample teams on showdown. it was a fun time killer! i might keep doing it. i might even do it later today. i started reading pokespe too to scratch the pokemon itch too. and it's not like i don't suffer from crazy hard executive dysfunction but hey, this is a product of my effort. lately i've been thinking i wanna pick a character in guilty gear and learn at least one combo! trying new things is fun!!!

i'm sure this post sounds self important, self impressed, self absorbed (c-c-c-combo breaker) and boomer ish as fuck but honestly i don't care anymore. if someone who struggles with simple tasks on the daily like me can find shit to do that isn't just instantly caving to endless scrolling and resorting to chatting up an AI then i'm sure most people can too. it is so much more gratifying actively seeking out fun than to be passive about it.

[tetrakys]

MCL Alternate Life review

Now that the three 4-episodes routes have been fully released, I’m ready to spend some final words on AL in general and the three boys specifically.

Plot

The plot is quite simple: AL was created to mostly address the break up, it is the canonical ending to Lysander, Kentin and Armin’s routes (while UL and LL are the canon continuation of Cas’ and Nath’s routes). The general plot is meeting your old boyfriend again, reconnect, solidify the relationship and resolve the long-distance issue. Quite simple, it’s the con of having only 4 episodes, but it does its job well, for years we asked for something that would fix the break up and we got it. Also I liked that the main structure was the same for all three boys, it provides a sense of continuity and a main theme for the season.

System

Same as the other seasons, 2AP x line of dialogue, however there is one main difference. Episodes 2 and 3 have choices which lead to different illustrations and scenes, meaning that they should be replayed twice if all illus with the crush want to be obtained. I personally quite like this system because the episodes are short and cheap, rarely over 1000 AP and this gives me a reason to play twice and extend my gaming experience. Plus replaying doesn’t bore me since the scenes are different as well so it’s almost like having two episodes in one.

The Art

I’m generally always happy about the quality of MCL’s illustrations, and I think AL keeps up with the high standard. As a con, I’d say that the poses might be a bit repetitive, hugging and kissing tend to be quite similar among the three routes, but other than that I’m happy. Backgrounds and sprites are also very good imo, but I’ll get to that soon.

Now, a closer look at the three:

Lysander

My Victorian prince was perfect as a teen and remained perfect in adulthood. Personally I think he looks even more beautiful, if possible, and his personality didn’t change at all, only slightly more mature due to being an adult with adult responsibilities. If on one hand this means that we got exactly what we lost 4 years ago, it also means that he’s the crush that remained the most static, didn’t have a real evolution like all the others did. Like a fae prince who remained frozen in time. It might make his journey a bit less interesting that’s true, but on the other hand can you improve perfection? I don’t think so.

In fact he’s the only crush we didn’t break up with. At first I was a bit surprised “for sure it must be Kentin the one we don’t break up with, right?” but afterward it made so much sense. His AL is one of rediscovery of someone who we never really lost, and despite me not liking farm life it makes perfect sense for him and Candy to have ended up there. His story is soothing, and calm, just like him. Finding him again is like feeling you finally found your place and your home.

Kentin

Kentin grew up a lot since high school. Not only physically as he got taller and bulkier (and hotter) but also mentally. When we meet him again we find someone who has completed a personal journey, a new person who knows his worth and who they are. These years spent travelling the world alone made him grew up and now he’s able to love Candy in a healthy way because he can also love himself. 

His AL is one of getting to know the new mature person he’s become but also finding out that what really matters, his feelings and good heart, are always the same. Its route is full fluff with 5 minutes of drama which only serve to learn how different being with him is going to be now but also how his love didn’t change. His story is about personal growth and the work you have to put on yourself before being able to be in a relationship. 

Armin

Armin is still the same jokester as before, but he’s not a boy anymore, it’s clear that the break up made him grow up as well. His new looks are similar to what he used to wear before (without Alexy’s terrible involvement), I’m not a big fan of the yellow but it compensate with the haircut which imo makes so much more sense than that octopus-looking one he had before. I also love that he kept a smirking teasing expression which is so him. 

His route, while remains similar to the other two in its basic structure, is completely different in the sense that while he did grow up and became more mature, his story isn’t as much as getting to know him while getting to know who Candy and him are together and if they can build something solid and long-lasting. With Lys and Kentin we get a finished product, with Armin we get a work in progress, that makes his route more eventful and dynamic. We start with a fight in episode 1, get a whole journey and end with a final declaration which address all the issues and uncertainties. We see both Candy and Armin grow during the story. 

Personal considerations

I think all 3 routes are really well done so preference becomes a matter of personal taste. On my side, Armin’s is above the other two for the simple fact that I enjoy the drama and the enemies-to-lovers vibe. I also love Candy in this route, and the teasing relationship the both have. I loved following their journey, for me this route is pretty much perfect and I can only hope Beemoov keeps up this amazing writing.��

The other two routes are also really great. Kentin’s route is perfect for people who like fluff above all and just want to live a sweet love story. Lys’ is for people who want to play something soothing and with a more fairy tail vibe. 

I’m happy we finally got a happy ending with the three of them and these endings make so much sense: with Lys we could only join him in his farm life, not my thing as I said, but I never saw Lys as someone who could enjoy the rockstar lifestyle, his choices don’t have to work for me, they have to work for him and I’m happy they do. With Kentin it wouldn’t have felt right if he gave up his lifestyle and stayed in town for us, it would’ve been a complete step back from his personal journey to see him give up everything and chase Candy once again, so I’m happy it’s Candy the one joining him this time. And with Armin, with all the times Candy was the one to follow him in his passions and hobbies (plus the whole long-distance and Disney debacle) it had to end with him staying, and I’m so glad it did.

So now that we got our happy endings, what’s left?

I guess we’ll see 😏

[whenthechickencry]

Umineko Ch1. Replay 1

Decided to replay Umineko again after playing a bunch of Persona games again before this!

When I first played the game I remember thinking the introduction scenes around the airport being very boring, but I have actually been very impressed with them this time! Lots of foreshadowing, and a lot of conversations have clever double meaning

Think the way Battler is just WRONG about everyone is very amusing too, the lines implying Rosa is the one with the most 'common sense', the ones where he says he looks up to George and seemingly has no fucking clue whats George's opinions about him, thinking Kyries decision to enforce some distance is because "he's too old to consider her familly now" and not because she fucking hates him, etc.

George constantly flipping betwwen his need to rub Battler's flaws in his face and him putting in the mature older cousing act is pretty striking on replay (Also I think his fear of vehicles apparently being inherited from Asumu is pretty interesting, wonder if Battler feels getting over his fear is letting go of his connection to asumu)

I think the decision to have Battlers first real monologue be about how being rich is kind of hard is a very interesting way to make it clear he kind of has issues looking outside his perspective without being very overt about it.

Oh Battler you really have no idea what's going on in other people's heads

The immediate dissapointment at not being recognized by Battler :(

Yeah, you sure understand what's going on, huh battler?

Can't help but fawn a little at Battler offering help like that lol

yeah

[super-antelope]

So the Gollum Game

Way to many of my thoughts on Gollum, Daedalic Entertainment and the click-and-point genre.

Recently a new game about Gollum, made by Daedalic Entertainment, came out. It has gotten very bad reviews and a negative response, so much that Daedalic came out with an apology. Now, I haven’t played it myself, but I’ve seen enough clips and screenshots to come to the conclusion that it is exactly as terrible as people say it is.

When this game was first announced back in 2019 I was actually very excited, because I really like some off Daedalics other games. In fact, my favourite game of all time, The night of the rabbit, is made by them.

This was also about a year after the company released the final game in their click-and-point adaptation of The pillars of the earth, which originally is a book by Ken Follett.

It’s a beautiful looking game with a good story and I enjoyed it very much. I thought that if they tackled Tolkiens world in a similar manner, it could make for a really cool and unique game. However, as soon as I found out that Gollum wasn’t gonna be a click-and-point I lost all hope.

Cause here’s the thing, Daedalic games tend to be very much not great when they do games that are other genres. They started out as a company that only made click-and -point, and it’s definitely their strongest suite. I’m not saying that all of their other games are terrible. I haven’t played any of them, and can therefore not make that judgement. I can however look up what people who have played them think, and if you look at the steam reviews on some of their games, there’s a clear pattern.

Here are some of their click-and-point games:

And here are some of the others:

They haven’t released any new click-and-point (as both devs and producers) since Pillars of the earth, and it also seems to be the last game since, that was actually really good. They were gonna release a click-and-point called The Devil’s men, but unfortunately it got cancelled in 2018, which is a shame since it looks sooo cool!

It’s a little unclear why it got cancelled. I’ve seen some people say that it was because Daedalic didn’t think people was interested in that genre anymore, or that they thought it wasn’t gonna make them enough money, but I haven’t been able to find any direct quotes or sources to these statements. So take that with a grain of salt

So where am I going with this??

Well, my point isn’t that I think Daedalic should stick to just click-and-point and nothing else. I totally get that making games that are always in the same vein and/or genre can be boring and uninspiring. I don’t wanna blame anyone for wanting to try something new or different. You should be able to make games and projects that you find fun and enjoyable to make, that you actually want to make, even if other people want you to make other games that you might not find inspiring. However, I just can’t help but feel like this isn’t the issue here.

Despite my love for them, most of their click-and-points has several flaws, some more than others. They are in no way, shape or form perfect, far from it. However, these games are still great and obviously loved by many, and I think the reason for that is that there’s so much heart in them. You can feel that they hade a blast making them while you play them, and that, combined with beautiful artwork and incredible soundtracks, is exactly why they work, despite the many flaws. The best example here is Deponia, one of their most appreciated game franchises.

It has the absolute worst main character I ever played as, some of the puzzles makes absolutely no sense, whatsoever, the “dark humour” often leaves a bad taste in your mouth, cause instead of being actually good jokes, it feels like it crosses the line just to cross the line. Do I still love the games to death, and have replayed them multiple times? Absolutely yes

And once again, take this with a grain of salt since I actually haven’t played any of them and I’m basing this of reviews, but that heart seems to be missing in their other genre games. They don’t feel as genuine and as cared for, they lack passion and creativity. And the same goes for Gollum more than anything else.

It just makes me so sad that it seems like Daedalic have given up on a genre that they did so well. Not because they don’t want to make more click-and-points, but because they think that there’s no longer an audience for that genre, and therefore there’s no gain in making anymore. This might of course not be the case at all, but that’s how it feels to me. And it sucks, because while the audience for click-and-point might be smaller than some other genres, their point-and-click games are generally more appreciated, and better received, as I pointed out earlier.

I truly think that Gollum could have been great, if they would have been brave enoughto make it click-and-point. It would have been a risk sure, but I think that even a mediocre click-and-point about Gollum would have been better than what we got. And look, I understand that its unrealistic to wish that all games should always be passion projects. At the end of the day, capitalism is a bitch that has power over all of us, whether we like it or not. Making a game a certain way because you’ll think it’ll be more financially successful, is very fair and valid. But still.

Anyway this ended up being waaaay longer than I intended lol (no one will probably read this, but if you did, hey!! Thanks, my pal!!🤘) I hope that the flop that is Gollum doesn’t hurt the company to much, and I hope that they will continue to create games, whatever genre they may be. And if they’ll make a new click-and-point, then you can be damn sure that I’ll play it!!

[xanderxone]

9/18/2023

Journaling Is Stimming

The moment I fell in the autism rabbit hole, I started devouring videos and the ones about stimming always seemed to grab my attention. One idea that was consistent across all the videos is that autistic people stim to release excess energy that gets built up in their bodies. It has to do with the idea of autistic inertia which I will probably make a post about sometime later.

I have always had what I considered to be an overactive imagination. I often get stuck in my own fantasy worlds in my head or replay conversations or fret about the future or fret about the present or get so lost in a special interest that I can think of nothing else. Wow. I actually spend way more time in my own head than I thought. And while there are times where this is something that I absolutely love about myself, like when I have to drive 3 hours on a long boring highway to my hometown to visit my family. Sometimes I actually look forward to just having 3 hours alone in a car to list to music and let my mind roam. But for the other 99% of my life, I need to actually be present and paying attention. So now I will be on the lookout for my tell-tale circular thoughts so I can just write them down and get them out instead. I've also started to employ a similar strategy at work because I often find myself in situations where I have a question about something that will probably get answered later but I just want to make sure I don't forget to check it. And I have actually started to just write those things down in OneNote and saving them to review later. AND WHEN I TELL YOU THE STRESS THAT HAS JUST WASHED OFF OF ME BECAUSE NOW I KNOW I WON'T FORGET IT LATER IS PALPABLE. I feel like I love my job again and I feel the joy coming back that was gone for a long time.

And so, dear reader, I think if I start writing down anything that gets stuck inside my head, it will be a stim and move all that anxious energy outside of me. And in turn, I will be able to harness a lot more of my mental capacity for other, more important things. AND I WILL STOP FUCKING FORGETTING EVERYTHING.

An interesting emotion that all of this is bringing up is one of shame and humiliation. And I know that it's irrational so I'm keeping it at arm's length to avoid being truly upset by the emotion, but it's existence is intriguing. God I sound like a robot sometimes. Anyway, I think its because I feel really dumb for not realizing all of this sooner? I do struggle a lot with depersonalization issues which I think has also led to me not realizing I was trans until... the same time I learned I was autistic. Look, it's been a really long year, okay? But I think all of the things that have made me incredibly good at masking all these years are the same things that have made me feel like I have a very limited sense of self. I think I'm gonna work on developing one.

One last thing: I always felt like a journal had to be neat and organized and pretty or else it wasn't right. And so I would spend all this time trying to get it perfect and it wasn't sinking in that the whole point is to journal your thoughts and get them out. And so I just felt like it did nothing for me but it's because I was dumb. This blog will be a way for me to stim when I need to get things out. And then I'll also keep a pretty journal full of pages of stickers and pieces of paper that I rip up and glue down that can be a creative outlet for when I need to get out creative energy (it's called junk journaling and if you are a little packrat gremlin who loves tactile doodads and thingies and art, you will love it. And all of the supplies are SO CHEAP online. Look it up on tiktok. Trust me.)

I feel like I might be getting an A in therapy.

--Xander

[beauzos]

omgg 6, 8, 9, 10, 25, 30, 46, 79 for that big ass AA meme :3

Ace Attorney: 100Q Ask Meme

WAA thank you Ruby!!

6. Favourite Antagonist (in the role of the antagonist! e.g Edgeworth in AA1 counts but only in AA1.)

Ohh, man. Good question. I don't think she's the best one, I just really like Ga'ran. I think she has a lot of potential as a villain and they did a pretty good job building her up throughout SOJ. I also like the personal connections she has to the main cast. It adds a lot of stakes and it is a great thing to flesh out. I especially like her dynamic with Nahyuta. It really grabs me, but I love her dynamic with her whole family, too. She's one of the worst prosecutors but she is a great villain lol.

In terms of best antagonist, I think maybe Dahlia Hawthorne. She's my favorite antagonist from the original trilogy, at least.

8. All time favorite character?

Nahyuta!!!!! Before I played SOJ it'd have been Fulbright, and before the AJ trilogy it would've been Ryunosuke. And before TGAA it would've been Edgeworth or Franziska lol. But at this point Nahyuta is my number one. I think he's such a great character. I actually don't think his writing is as bad as it seems either after replaying Magical Turnabout last night. It's definitely underbaked but man he is so fucking funny and likable. Yes, he's quieter and less of a stand out than some other prosecutors but I like how impersonal he is. It's kinda the point, innit? That nothing of his real self is left and he's got nothing but the sanitized version of himself that keeps him alive?

I could write about him forever. Obviously. The question is just if I manage to finish anything now lol.

9. Least favourite character?

Honestly? Klavier.

There's probably other characters that annoy me more but I just don't like this guy. He kinda just gets on my nerves and he didn't click with me at all during AJ-- though that entire game did not click with me, so that could also be it. He's kinda boring. His personality is really weak, his dynamic with all of the characters feel really weak too and I feel like it says a lot that most of the dynamics he has is just people being annoyed that he exists KRKFJ

Sorryyy not to be a hater I know a lot of people love him. He just ain't for me.

I also don't particularly like Larry but he's kinda easy to forget about. But any time he shows up I'm just like -deep sigh-. He's pretty funny in the first game though, so there's that.

10. Favourite trial from all the games?

KMS I FORGOT THIS ONE ORIGINALLY SORRY

Anyways that's a good question. I think it's gotta be The Resolve of Ryunosuke Naruhodo. It just goes so hard, it's so satisfying to play because you keep solving each layer of mystery and have to go deeper. I think the deus ex machina with the "and I was recording the whole time!!" thing is stupid as FUCK but the rest of the case is legit great. This also includes the previous case since it's just part 1 and 2.

Fave original trilogy case is probably Bridge to the Turnabout or Farewell, My Turnabout. fave AJ trilogy case is probably Turnabout Revolution.

25. Favourite rare pair?

Is Skye/madhi a rarepair. It's rare compared to more popular Yuta ships at least, and it's my fave AA ship overall. They're t4t and Ema makes Yuta want to be a better person and he admires her so much for everything she is and everything she is capable of. And she thinks he's hot KRKFJK

I also like them as a QPR, but them being a QPR and them dating basically is the exact same to me. Trust me I am an expert (<-- aroace). I originally headcanoned Nahyuta as being a bisexual aromantic (and same for Ema) and I'm not sure if I still do so if he is (because ultimately to me he is just queer. What he is is none of my business KRKFN), QPR, if not, bi4bi t4t couple. Well, that's them regardless, but you see how it is.

My issue with the rarepair term is I really don't know what necessarily counts as one in a fandom as big as this, so in this instance, I'm just going with "lesser popular ship" or "ship that isn't the most popular for a character." I'm used to being invested in ships where I am, quite literally, the only person who ships them, so it's hard coming to a fandom where I like ships other people like too KRKF

Otherwise, idk, Black/bright if that counts? I love them a lot. And if that doesn't count. I don't fucking know. Dhurke/Datz then KRKD

(don't want this winding up in ship tags so putting slashes lol)

30. Character you’d push off a cliff with no hesitation?

Inga. I don't think I need to explain this one KRKF

46. Character you thought you were gonna dislike but loved in the end?

NAHYUTA!!! I watched videos ranking the AA cases after I finished the original trilogy. I didn't mind the spoilers because I didn't know how to emulate DD or SOJ so I didn't know if or when I'd ever play them. I let them convince me he was a horrible boring prosecutor. I let them convince me that I was really going to hate SOJ and then I DIDN'T!!!! He's great!!!

79. How long have you been in the fandom?

It depends? I played the original trilogy early last summer after buying it for like 3 dollars on the 3DS shop before it closed. I was out of games to play and I'd had it for months so I said fuck it and played it and really liked it, but it didn't get me super invested in the fandom the way I got into it this year. I played TGAA that summer as well and that really compelled me. So I was def into the series last summer, but I only got insane about it after playing the AJ trilogy after the remaster came out.

So... in a normal sense? Last summer. In the "this is my special interest" sense? February of this year.

[myimaginarywonderland]

While it is easy to just chalk up this boring season to the Verstappen dominance, I think to truly understand why everyone is not enjoying it we need to dive deeper.

I definitely think the fact that RedBull has such a fast car is the first step to just less enjoyment. Especially when you have other series where there isn't a dominant team let alone driver, you kind of sometimes which F1 would be like that again which just seems impossible with the modern regulations. It already adds the "well this team will win anyway unless something bad happens to them."

Which immediately brings me to the other issue that's reliability. I honest to god feel like this is the season were cars are the most reliable. Almost all DNFs that happened this season were caused by drives error in one way or another and there's rarely any technical DNFs in comparison to say for example 2017/2018.

Now we come to the problem that is just DNFs in general. There's also rarely DNFs this season because drivers don't make errors that result in race finishing scenarios anymore.

To build onto this, there's definitely less chaos because of DNFs. It feels like almost all the teams agree with the same strategy unless it's a back maker team making a gamble and therefore there's no unpredictability anymore in any scenario that might happen after something like a car stopping next to the track.

Now we move onto a previous point. While there was a winning team you would at least have unpredictability. 2020, which honestly was a massive dominant season for Mercedes where there was mostly Lewis winning races still saw 3 other people winning that weren't equiped with the Mercedes and 4 if we count Val. Why? Because Mercedes messed up or something went wrong in Qualy. With RedBull (kudos to them) there's basically no one who even believes they have any room for error. Like they are such a well oiled machine that you can't even see them with Max making a mistake.

Another huge problem is also undoubtedly the calendar. We have had so many tracks where qualifying basically determines the finishing order because there's such a low possibility for overtaking that you don't expect really much changes. It adds another layer of finality before the race has even started.

To add onto that we have to talk about the giant gaps between the teams. While yeah RedBull is definitely dominant, there are also just such big gaps between all the other teams. Alex said it before that basically there's just no way to get points for anyone that isn't in Aston, RedBull, Ferrari or Mercedes because those teams are guaranteed the top 8 if everything goes right. And yet between them there is also right now rarely a fight because the tracks just suit some cars better which means it's always another layer of "Right, this will be a RedBull + Nando podium" or "Right, this is a RedBull+ Lewis podium." The gap between the top 4 is already turning out bigger and then from there on it's just another huge gaps. There's barely any fight between midfield teams and the backmakers are most likely also just obvious and nowhere close to any fight. The field is so spread out often that even if the tracks allowed overtaking it's basically impossible due to the large team gaps.

Another thing that has become quiet prominent is the DRS train which often times just means even if a car does have more pace, there's just no way for it to overtake because it is a hindrance basically impossible to pass. I truly do think this is more prominent this season and it's so interesting think about why but that's not the point. The point is it poses another problem that makes enjoyment dimed.

And lastly a huge problem I have found myself having is also the coverage of the race. Sometimes it truly does feel like there is nothing that we are shown or the lack of communication from comms leaves you an entire race wondering why a driver is in his position because it's not something deemed replay worthy and the commentators are more focused to make a race seem interesting than actually keeping you update on everything. It makes it hard to follow and I can't imagine coming in as a new fan sometimes because it truly can seem like there's a lack of communications.

[manonamora-if-reviews]

Approaching Hordes! by Craig Ruddell

============= Links

Play the game See other reviews of the game

============= Synopsis

It's officially hit the fan! Cause, unknown. There's no time to worry about that now anyways...there's a zombie horde approaching! Your job...gather as many survivors as you can and hold out for as long as possible. You'd be the hero if you can find a cure, but digging an escape tunnel might be a good insurance policy.

============= Other Info

Approaching Hordes! is a Twine (SugarCube) game, submitted to the 2022 Edition of the IFComp. It placed 49th overall.

Status: Completed Genre: Apocalypse, Zombies, Resource Management

CW: / Note: Zombies, violence, death,

============= Playthrough

First Played: 2-Oct-2022* Last Played: 26-May-2023 Playtime: around 1h-ish? I took a break somewhere Rating: 2/5 Thoughts: If I was this bored managing resources during a Zombie Apocalypse, I would probably die.

*I had reviewed the game during the IFComp in the Author's section (which was hidden to the public). I forgot to keep track of the notes I gave though... You can find the OG review under the cut.

============= Review

Approaching Hordes! is part Choice-based, part Resource Management in a basic SugarCube UI, following the player has he leaves his infected family behind and tries to survive hordes of zombies.

Spoilers ahead. It is recommended to play the game first. The review is based on my understanding/reading of the story.

Preface: Before getting into replaying the game, I could not shake off the feeling that I was going for a bad time. I remember not liking the game at all (I think my OG review shows that). Still, I am going into it with a somewhat open mind?

The game start with a short prologue, spanning a couple of days, where you notice an increase of gunshots in the neighbourhood and order your wife to check it out (day 0); wake up, find your neighbour informing you of the zombie apocalypse, find your wife having turned into s zombie and Mike-Tyson-punch her, and set up camp (day 1); constructing a guard tower (day 2, very quick); and becoming unanimously the leader of the 11 survivors (day 3).

Then starts the Resource Management. At the time of the first review, I had not seen many Twine games doing something that was not Choice-Based (aside from my own little tavern). Instead of taking the traditional approach of a choice list to resolve issues, Approaching Hordes! combines the Idle game format to managing the compound and its resources. It is an interesting way of pushing the SugarCube/Twine engine in this manner. You have three levels of difficulty. I've played only on Easy and Medium.

However, it soon becomes tedious, and I would put the blame on the idleness of the game. Resource management is very fun, as having to balance the use and harvest of set resources can be challenging but also quite rewarding. Idle games, on the other hand, often requires you to step away from the game and leave it on in the background. Except you can't do that here. Closing and reopening the game brings you right back to the moment you left it. Leave the page idle for too long or change tabs and it just... pauses. You have to keep the page open and focused, watching the bar fill up slowly.

There is nothing else to do in the meantime, no extra story, no dialogue with the other survivors, no personal thoughts... just sitting at a desk and moving people around.

Granted the first quarter(-ish) of that part is a bit stressful. You only have 10 survivors with you out of the max 50, you need to make sure you have enough food, that there are guards around, that the compound is secure and repaired, and that the camp is happy. But as soon as you max out the survivors (which can be preeeettttyyyy quick), you are essentially done. It's just a matter of moving a few of the survivors around to the relevant ending (escaping or cure).

The first time I played the game (during the IFComp), I got incredibly bored and just let my survivors die/leave camp halfway through (all forced to build that tunnel, waiting for the end link to appear on my screen (I think I got a bad ending). This time, I tried to be more diligent and finished the zombie cure. But by jove was it tedious. I was legit writing this review at the same time to fill my waiting between moving one or two survivors around.

Depending on the path taken (win/lose - cure/escape), you will have a bit of a different ending from a news-cliping, before you are able to see the different important steps of your journey in a notebook. But those are just two screens. And after spending all this time waiting and clicking stuff every few minutes or so, it honestly felt unrewarding (especially when I freakin found the cure!!).

Suffice to say, it still didn't tickle my bone the second time around either...

Some other points:

there is humour in the text, but it really wasn't to my taste. The jokes and the nudges fell flat or forced. It often made me cringe, but not in a enjoyable way.

I still don't know if you are supposed to like the protagonist at all (from the text, I don't think so?), but I thoroughly hated him. He is an absolute dick (especially to his wife) but somehow everyone thinks the sun shines from his ass (how you get the leadership still astounds me).

I wasn't particularly moved by the prose, and often felt a bit uneasy by the tone flipping too abruptly from comedy to action to "horror". Part of it is probably because I loathed the protagonist.

while the visual was simple, there was issues with refreshing the page (which reloaded everything) and with the contrasting of the text (especially when choosing the action in the resource management block).

As a proof of concept (Resource Management Idler in Twine), it worked. This game really tried something new (in my book) with the interactiveness and that should be commendable. But the fiction of it all was really eh.

=======================

OG Review during the IFComp

Zombie apocalypse meet Management Sim.

This was the first time I saw something quite like this with a Twine game (I usually see more Choice-based game) and it was interesting to see what else one can do with the system itself. Who knew resource management was on the table! This was kinda neat to see.

That said, after the prologue, the game became a bit boring. This is usually the case with idler-games, you just end up waiting for progress bars to fill up, which is the case with this game as well. Even if you need to tweak between the options, there’s not much you can do but wait. Only having the resource management/idler for this long really breaks the flow.

It’s a bit of a shame that there is no story past the prologue and that you, as the leader, you do nothing but tell a survivor where to go and wait. There is some story after the horde arrives (at least 30min after you get into the compound), but, even though I was yearning for something else to do than wait for the progress bar to fill up, I had mentally checked out of the game when it appeared.

I also had some issues with the little story you end up having. The text is at time confusing (your spouse is on top of you, but the next line is she is far enough that you can punch her?) and missing/misusing punctuation. Some paragraphs have very disconnected tone [Though I always like to be able to flip off my neighbour]. I didn’t understand the rationale behind you the player being set as the leader of the group either (why would people follow someone who’s clearly a not-so-nice person and a terrible spouse?).

Some formatting is a bit off. Rather than change days in the middle of one passage, they probably should have gotten a new passage instead.

Overall, I liked that it was different and tried to do something new with the Twine Engine, but not having anything really to do during the resource management portion really decreased my enjoyment of the game.

[disneyphantomlover]

So, what do you think about Bendy and the Dark Revival?

I realize this gets posted at a weird time, but my dude, this month of December has not been great and I'm functioning on 3 braincells. I genuinely want to replay the game, but I haven't yet. You are getting the mad ramblings of a fan who has 19 other things on mind.

Regardless, I think I still like the game. It was fun, I liked the odd story, and even though I don't think everything works, a LOT does. A little extra lore is great, and I do like what they did with Joey in this game (he's still a lying asshole, but it was nice seeing him in a more helpful role. And it makes sense why. He's still a lying pos.). Audrey is wonderful in my opinion, if a little lacking in self-preservation here and there.

I was upset years ago that the game was delayed, but I really do think releasing it all in one go instead of chapters was actually beneficial to the game. And personally, it was nice getting a nice chunk of "STORY" instead of it being parsed out bi-annually. The extra time also meant there was more polish put in, and lil easter eggs that were fun (no I'm not bringing up the poem).

There's a decent amount of consistency in characters in order to figure out which ones are Important to the Story, and also ones that are just Important to the Character's Story. I do like what they did with the Ink Demon, even if it is a little basic in my opinion. First time he spoke, I just said out loud "Oh FUCK, that's a DEMON." Props to Sean Crisden for a phenomenal job, and to the game designers who made a properly scary demon!

There's a few things I could complain about the game, but in all honesty, they're things I thought of AFTER I finished the game. Somehow I got lucky and I didn't have any technical issues playing the game, and for me, it ran smooth as butter. Dark...Inky Butter.... My husband, who only plays it because I told him he'd like it, really enjoyed the game design and had a fun time playing it. (This is a man who thinks Dark Souls shouldn't have a difficulty level and Legend of Zelda final bosses are too easy. So do with that what you may.) I enjoyed it just a tiny bit more than BATIM, just from gameplay.

Is the story a little odd? Yes. This answer is already too long and I've written about the story before, so I will not bore all of you. I do enjoy checking out theories and wild guesses though, so I'd recommend that to you. I still like it in an odd way, and I'm curious what the next game might entail. Wilson... Deserves his own essay of rambling thoughts. As does the whole love triangle that is Joey Drew, Nathan Arch, and Alan Gray. Like... That alone is fucking weird and makes me so curious.

I enjoyed the game. Hell, I still enjoy the fan community of Bendy despite this game's rocky history and build-up.

Now Merry Christmas.

[crystalelemental]

"books-are-my-life-stuff: And it's not like Rapidash is anything better either (it takes a long time to evolve and its movesets are pretty boring save for Megahorn and Poison Jab from Move Reminder), but it's the only Fire-type option for non-Infernape users that doesn't need super late game TMs to be able to function as a proper Fire-type mon.

Gen 4 is great story and design-wise, but the Pokemon lineup and movesets are…very lacking, something that I didn't notice until I replayed a few times, trying to use different team and different starters, only to end up with mostly the same ones again."

I don't remember ever running a Rapidash all the way through a game, but yeah, late level evolution is kinda rough, though Ponyta has really good BST for a pre-evo in compensation. It's not as bad as like...pretty much anything in Gen 5, if we're being honest. Like yeah okay, Deino, you can evolve post-League if you really want to buddy.

I think it's also the issue of...game structure. Like okay, let's say you're doing what I'm doing, and running some slow Pokemon, like Gastrodon and Lickilicky. Your life is now miserable, compared to someone running Floatzel and Lopunny. You're slow, so you take more hits, and if you even get recovery moves, they come in super late, so you're using a lot of Potions, and you can never really travel around with them in the lead slot because they're slow so you can't run from anything and get stuck in even more battles that land even more damage on you. Back when money was a lot harder to manage, this was difficult to justify. So on top of the moveset issues, you now have money issues as you stock up on more healing items so you can make progress without stopping at the center every other encounter, and what felt like a really fun game the first time through because you ran some good sweepers and just shitstomped things, becomes a tedious slog of trying to level this slow, lumbering shit. It's less engaging, and more effort, for reward you could achieve much easier any other way. While people complained about the Gen 5 habit of healing your team constantly, it objectively made using slower Pokemon better. It's purely an improvement.

[doberbutts]

Your taste in videogames goes off so hard, I think it every time you mention what games you like, I also love how nuanced you are about the games you play, a lot of people either think a game has zero issues if they love it or if it happens to not be for them they have to pretend like no one should, I really respect your ability to go 'I like this but it has flaws' and 'I dislike this because it's not for me but I see why others would like it', also I fucking love assassin's creed and pokemon so I'm biased

Ha! Thank you! Mostly I like jrpgs but I'll throw mostly a little bit of everything in there.

Just for you, anon, my list of switch games I've played this year according to my switch are:

Pokemon Violet

Harvestella

Okami (replaying- played a long time ago on the WiiU)

Ni No Kuni Wrath of the White Witch (replaying- attempted on ps3 and couldn't get into it)

Trials of Mana (abandoned, really hate some character choices they made, really the older I get the more harshly I judge lolis and pedobait)

Neo: The World Ends With You

Hyrule Warriors: Age of Calamity

Rune Factory 5 (abandoned, tried very hard to like it and didn't)

Pokemon Legends Arceus

Pokemon Brilliant Diamond (abandoned nearly instantly for PLA whoops)

Cadence of Hyrule (replayed because I remembered how fun it was the first time around)

Collection of Mana (abandoned, not remembering why)

Story of Seasons: Pioneers of Olive Town (abandoned due to pretty much the same problems as RF5)

Hob

Animal Crossing: New Horizons (mostly abandoned until I remember to go back to my island again whoops)

Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild (replayed because it was fun the first time around on WiiU)

Immortals Fenyx Rising (abandoned, fun premise boring execution, may return to it later)

Enter the Gungeon (replayed, struggled with it on keyboard on Steam, vastly preferred on switch)

Transistor (replayed, same as Gungeon it's not fun to play on a keyboard and way better with a controller)

As for the rest! I try to consider everything that way. I don't always succeed but I do try. And because there are various things that don't chase me away from a title if everything else is strong.

For instance I think the first Witcher is a bad game that definitely deserved its $1 cost I bought it at on Steam. Between bugs and crashes and bad voice acting and really awful UI choices it's a miracle honestly that I stuck around long enough to play the next two. But... at the same time... I stuck around because I liked the characters, the world-building, the story, the concept enough that I was willing to forgive these things moving forward. And I'm glad I did, because I do like the Witcher series as a whole whether games, books, or now the Netflix show. But I think the first two games were, um, not good, and it takes a lot for me to consider returning to them to replay them. Though supposedly they're remaking them to be more like Wild Hunt which, god I hope so, because Wild Hunt fixed almost everything I had a problem with in the initial two.

[beepboo5]

I've been feeling a bit lonely lately, I really love my friends but sometimes it feels as tho i can't really connect with them, I'm a bit too scared to share what I feel or think. I don't want to be a burden, and I'm also very boring as a person. I don't think I have much to offer, but I want to be closer to them, they've been nothing but kind and caring with me and I can't do the same. I'm always convinced that they either hate me or are indifferent to me. I isolate myself to avoid dealing with all of these thoughts, but I think im just making it worse. I've been isolating myself since 2017, no friends or just the bare minimum / whoever stuck with my mental health issues for whatever reason. But, even with those who stuck, I stopped speaking regularly, basically ghosted them - tho it wasn't my intention - and now I finally made new friends but I feel unable to connect with them, even if I really want to.

And sometimes when they're really kind my mind starts depending on them and I start replaying stuff they said and I get obsessed with them and I get even more scared of saying something wrong, and I also realize my obsessing over friends isn't healthy, so I isolate even more and socialize sparingly whenever I feel like im loosing my mind from too much being alone, but that also makes it worse... hehe...

I wish my mind would stop, but I have no one to talk to about this. I feel so lonely, in two weeks im going to have to go back to my parents' house for 10 days or so to take care of some stuff and I dont want to see my father again. I want to disappear. Im a shit daughter a shit friend a shit person and I cant even make myself feel better, when I go back my mental health gets even worse. Im in therapy, I journal, im trying to make friends and Im trying my best in everything and even tho my best is not that good, why cant it just stop for a day? Even when I dont see my father it's in my head It's been years since I left why does this never end And i start to think maybe it was my fault, I should've done better. Maybe if I was someone else nothing would've happened and I feel like im the one who ruined my mum and my brother If only i had been stronger, instead I made it worse. If only my brother didnt see me at my worst maybe now he wouldn't struggle with mental health issues like me Thinking back, I don't know how im still here now, it feels suffocating. But I have to go back... and my loneliness is getting even worse now. I feel so alone