#reminder to keep reading Unmasking Autism

[moomindreamboy]

So pissed bc the longer I practice embracing the Way I Am I'm realizing I am. so autistic/ADHD brain haver & I have been this whole time but not even my autistic dad acknowledged it so I just grew up with the idea that I was a freak fjadswoeafja

[desire-mona]

siiiigh. todd autism headcanons because im projecting.

(using they/he/she pronouns for todd in this post. will explain but also if u dont agree i dont care, tw for alcoholism. time period is vague but autism hasnt existed as a legitimate medical diagnosis for all that long, so keep it in mind i guess.)

- cannot for the life of him stand welton's blankets. so itchy, just thin enough to not warm you up enough but still make you sweat, not long enough to cover your entire body. yes im making the blanket line in their poem about actual blankets, a boy needs to vent somewhere.

- beyond terrible temperature regulation, ALWAYS just a little too hot which is made worse by her sensory issues when it comes to wet fabric. constant slight agony and it never really goes away. theyre about 5 minutes away from crying about how uncomfortable they are at all times.

- had god awful handwriting until high school, like his teachers could BARELY read his handwriting it was Bad. OOOOOH OH MY GOD THERES A TRAIN GOING BY I CAN HEAR IT HONKING this is a really ironic thing to be pointing out rn but its sooooo worth mentioning. its still honking this is fun. 🚂. anyway. her parents made her spend an entire summer fixing her handwriting bc that was like the One thing her teachers criticised. its Fine now but their motor function simply doesn't deliver in the handwriting department.

- had a VERY INTENSE special interest in aquatic life + marine biology growing up, like read every book about any ocean animal in any library intense. his parents eventually forced him to abandon it because its "not a good career focus" but he still perks up when anyone mentions fish. once talked neils ear off about the biodiversity of coral reefs for roughly 2 hours, neil took her to an aquarium for their first date. rip todd anderson you wouldve loved spongebob squarepants.

- looooves pets, namely cats, but they have Too Sweaty hands all the time so any animal fur sticks onto their hands and just feels. so awful.

- had a brief period in his 20s where he was definitely an alcoholic, started as a social drinker but got too addicted to the feeling of not having to adhere to social conventions quite as hard, especially around other drunk ppl. eventually went sober after they realised they just Cant Stand the feeling of a hangover anymore. autistic ppl r more likely to develop a dependency on alcohol if we do start drinking. just btw.

- gets a Pretty Expansive vocabulary after actually starting to pursue literature. sometimes his family lightly teases him about using big words but it confuses the hell out of him. its just a word she thought would apply best!!

- soooooo obsessed with what other ppls idea of them is, both in an anxious way and out of genuine curiosity. would never ask ppl what they think of her bc she thinks thats 1) very broad 2) seems compliment fish-y and 3) just gonna lead to "i think ur great/ nice/ whatever filler compliment." but the dream is to sit someone (neil) down and just ask him every single question possible about how he perceives him.

- asks a billion clarifying questions about anything someone asks him to do, gets anxious about how many questions he's asking, tries to just figure it out, freaks out about the possibility of getting it wrong, ends up doing the thing perfectly. weekly occurrence.

- never fully grasped the appeal of religion (most definitely grew up catholic or christian or Something) just bc she could NOT let the lack of proof go. ALSO not an atheist bc the vastness of space scares them out of it. religious beliefs r a weird topic for them.

- suppresses a good chunk of his stims in public bc One total time someone looked at him weird while he was chewing on a sweatshirt string and he was like i gotta stop NOW. eventually develops tics and has to mask THOSE in public too. dear god someone let this girl unmask. also i started ticcing while writing that bc my body does this great thing where i only tic when im reminded of the concept of ticcing. its great and totally doesnt make me think im faking them (faking for who? dunno bc it usually happens when im alone)

- DOES in fact stim around neil bc NEIL STIMS TOO!!!!!!!! joyous day when they found THAT out! gets vocal stims of random lines from whatever play neil is practicing for. YEAA ART THOU THEEEEREE was a vocal stim for a solid week and a half which made neil VERY excited (autistic neil. how i love u autistic anderperry)

- velcro is The most evil vile disgusting material to ever grace this mortal realm. he hates it more than anything ever and i mean that fully. the feeling of BOTH sides, the noise, how easily it comes apart, she hates it all.

this is the gender part

never really viewed gender and gender roles as anything to adhere to beyond the fear of punishment if they dont. finds any social convention relating to gender to be Really dumb and meaningless, bc gender isn't (scientifically) real in any capacity, so why treat it like that? for the longest time just shrugged and said "eh, i guess im a boy" bc thats what she was used to being told, and didn't feel particularly drawn to agree OR disagree. eventually realised on a late night that Wait. i dont Actually care what i am. like yeah im a Male i guess but also im just me. my brain doesnt have a gender and i basically am my brain, right? and then never really thought about it again because that's genuinely how little he cares. adhering the most to canon with that mindset, she never really tells anyone (for obvious reasons on top of the overall apathy) and just lets the he/him happen to her but. in my dream world? agender they/he/she todd anderson. and this is MY blog so those are the pronouns im using from now on. i will forever love talking abt how autistic ppl very often view gender differently than allistic ppl, will forever love talking abt how autistic ppl are more likely to be trans. autism!!!

also yes that entire paragraph is just my view of gender, change the pronouns and the todd mentions and its just me. what of it.

[cain-speaks]

✨ 𝙍𝙀𝘿𝙎𝙊𝙉, 𝙎𝙄𝙓-𝙀𝘼𝙍𝙀𝘿 𝙈𝘼𝘾𝘼𝙌𝙐𝙀, & 𝙒𝙐𝙆𝙊𝙉𝙂 𝙒𝙄𝙏𝙃 𝘼𝙉 𝘼𝘿𝙃𝘿 𝙎/𝙊 ✨|| Various x Reader

» three-thirty (AJR) « 0:45 ─〇───── 4:07

╔⏤⏤⏤⏤╝❀╚⏤⏤⏤⏤╗ AUTHOR'S NOTE ╚⏤⏤⏤⏤╗❀╔⏤⏤⏤╝ ➤ These are headcanons. ➤ This is romantic. ➤ Reader is afab & uses she/her! ➤ I don't think I went as in depth as I could have been I still hope it's accurate and you enjoy it! ➤ TRIGGER WARNINGS include profanity, a little bit of angst, and minor violence. ➤ Word count: 1,325

•───────•°•❀•°•───────•

❝ You wanna skip it if it's wordy, but fit the whole song in three-thirty .❞

╔⏤⏤⏤⏤╝❀╚⏤⏤⏤⏤╗ 🔥 REDSON 🔥 ╚⏤⏤⏤⏤╗❀╔⏤⏤⏤⏤╝ ➤ Before he finds out you have ADHD, I imagine he's confused by your behavior at best, and frustrated by it at worst.

➤ Your daydreaming and procrastination can be annoying for him (who's always about work, work, work), and when you're talking to him about your fixations, he either gets irritated because he has no idea what you're talking about or because he thinks you're making fun of him since he often rambles about his inventions even if no one's listening.

➤ He just doesn't understand why you're doing those things and neither do you. It causes a lot of struggles for you both, leading to shit communication and hurt feelings.

➤ When you're finally diagnosed, Redson listens very closely. Things are starting to make sense, but you still don't have as much information as he'd like. He researches ADHD in AFAB people on his own time (and rages quite a few times that there's so little information compared to ADHD in AMAB), but he finally understands by the end of it.

➤ And boy does he feel shitty.

➤ The idea that he blew up at you for things out of your control makes him feel ashamed, especially when some of those things (like info-dumping) are signs of affection. So you don't see him for a while, partially due to some unhealthy self-punishment on his end and also because he's trying to come up with a solution; that being a way to make it up to you, of course, not "fix" you.

➤ When Redson stops avoiding you, he takes you out on a date with all your favorite activities and thoroughly apologizes to you. He promises to change his behaviors to accommodate and support you.

➤ (Which might have made you cry, considering you've always been treated like you're the problem.)

➤ True to his word, Redson changes a lot. He leaves little notes for you as reminders, sets alarms for you, helps you finish or do tasks you don't have the energy for, etc. He even starts encouraging your fixation rambles, reading up on the source material so he can ask questions.

➤ He also does his very best to read up on masking and burnout so he can a.) keep you from going there or b.) recognize the signs when you are there and help you. I like to imagine he made a sensory room for you that has all your favorite stuff and you can just go there to chill and unwind.

➤ He's also super protective over you. If people make fun of your stims, say you talk a lot, undermine your sensory issues, etc., he will DESTROY them. No way in hell is he letting you be disrespected like that. Verbal smackdown, here we come.

➤ Ultimately, it's a learning process. But it's one he's more than willing to thoroughly explore for you.

╔⏤⏤⏤⏤⏤╝❀╚⏤⏤⏤⏤⏤╗ 🔮 SIX-EARED MACAQUE 🔮 ╚⏤⏤⏤⏤⏤╗❀╔⏤⏤⏤⏤⏤╝ ➤ HONESTLY I headcanon Macaque as autistic so I feel like he sorta had an inkling that you were ADHD before you did.

➤ Probably made jokes like "it's the ADHD lol" for certain behaviors until you decided to do some research on it and were like "🧍‍♂️ yeah so—"

➤ Not surprised at all when you're diagnosed obviously. He uses the opportunity to show you a lot of coping mechanisms he's learned (though some have to be tweaked for your needs since autism isn't ADHD lol), and even begins to unmask more around you.

➤ Since Macaque thrives under routine/structure, he often handles reminders. He also keeps you on track, verbally and physically, if you have stuff to do. ALSO is super on you about food, since he likes cooking.

➤ Macaque's experienced dozens of burnouts in his long life, so he knows how awful they are. He can sniff out a burnout a mile away so I'd like to think that you don't experience many while with him. The dojo's pretty chill like 90% of the time due to his own sensory issues so it's a good place to unwind and relax.

➤ You guys have picked up so many phrases from each other. He'll be working on a script for a shadowplay while you're cleaning and he'll just hear you laugh and go, "wow, didn't see that one comin'." It definitely flusters him that he's part of your echolalia.

➤ Macaque rambles to you about theatrical pieces from various cultures. If you introduce him to new ones, tell him something he doesn't know about a piece he's already familar with, etc. he'll kiss you istg. Anyway this is to say the feeling is obviously mutual and he probably ends up getting into some of the stuff you tell him about!

➤ You guys mutually bully each other lmao. You'll be trying to do some work, get to talking to him about whatever comes to you, and then suddenly it's three hours later. You're like "FUCK" meanwhile he just laughs at you (you get him back, of course, and it's all in good fun).

➤ He barely thinks beating anyone who talks shit is an overreaction, but if you don't like it then you'll just have a clone stick around in your shadow or smth and scare the shit out of anyone who decides to open their mouth.

➤ In summary, Macaque is very helpful and teaches you coping skills when it comes to sensory issues + overload.

╔⏤⏤⏤⏤╝❀╚⏤⏤⏤⏤╗ 🍑 SUN WUKONG 🍑 ╚⏤⏤⏤⏤╗❀╔⏤⏤⏤⏤╝ ➤ First off, I headcanon Wukong as ADHD, too.

➤ With that said, I feel like Wukong just. Assumed you knew you were ADHD and rolled with it.

➤ Like you guys constantly quoted/repeated stuff and stimmed at/with each other. You'd get in loops. You'd adapt each other's phrases/stims. Neurotypicals don't do that.

➤ It's genuinely amusing thinking about you two just repeating the same things at each other. It's such a serotonin boost and it makes you both laugh. Same for when you stim together, especially hand-flapping and jumping up and down.

➤ You're both trash at remembering stuff but fortunately you seem to have an awful lot of capacity for the other. Meaning you remind Wukong he has a session with MK today because he forgot, and he reminds you that you agreed to make noodles with Pigsy today because you forgot.

➤ I don't think remembering to eat or drink is a big problem for you, since Wukong is a big comfort eater and shares his snacks with you so you kinda just,, roll with it lol.

➤ Wukong has a bunch of homemade stim tools. Once he sees that you're interested, he makes some more for you. Even after your diagnosis, you don't try "professionally" made stim toys—you just don't need them when Wukong's work so well.

➤ You guys spend hours talking about your interests, ping-ponging off each other. Like "OH did you know x?" "NO but did you hear about x?" x1000.

➤ You guys also bully each other. Like "hey Great Sage you forgot do the dishes again you crusty bitch" "says the dumbass who started folding laundry and then did a fashion show with the monkeys".

➤ Like Macaque, Wukong's had his fair share of burnouts. Unfortunately, he's not super good at preventing them or even realizing he's in them until it's been a few months, but you guys take care of each other if the other is struggling. You're also very aware of the other's limits so if one of you is pushing it, you can help each other step back.

➤ He's a talk shit get hit kinda guy, sorry. He barely leaves the mountain as is, so if during one of the few times someone decides to be a dick while you guys are stimming together? He'll hold back just enough, but he has no sympathy if their nose breaks.

➤ Basically nothing changes after you get diagnosed lol. You and Wukong are very happy ADHD gremlins who are celebrating your neurodivergency :)

❝ I thought I had the ADHD, but that's a real thing (and I'm just lazy) .❞

[youcouldmakealife]

Books of 2023

I missed a year, but I’m back with my books of the year. This year there was a pretty big dip in reading from me (75% of my reading in 2022, and only 60% compared to 2021), partly because, well, eye recovery, but also, you know. Life.

I’m just going to do a top 10 this year — unfortunately I hit a bit of a slump in how many standouts I read as well as how much I read, but I do heartily recommend everything in that top 10. They’re in no real order, except for the first, which is a cheat in the form of a series.

The Thursday Murder Club, Richard Osman

So this is a weird thing where I rated the first 3 stars, but figured it was good enough to read the second, which got 4 stars, as did the third. Finally the fourth, which was my only 5 star novel of the year, and made me weep like a baby. So if you read the first and didn’t bother with the rest — this gets so much better as it goes.

The Trees - Percival Everett

This is actually the first book I finished in 2023, and it set a tone that the rest of the year sadly did not match. I mean, other than the tone of the book, which is razor sharp, over the top satire, which this year did, in fact, live up to. I just discovered Everett in 2022 with Telephone, which I also enjoyed, and am looking forward to going through his many works.

Time Shelter - Georgi Gospodinov

Really enjoyable literary fiction that reminds me of a lot of my favourite works to come out of Eastern Europe in the 70s and 80s.

How to Survive History: How to Outrun a Tyrannosaurus, Escape Pompeii, Get Off the Titanic, and Survive the Rest of History's Deadliest Catastrophes - Cody Cassidy

This is the kind of highly specific and irrelevant barring time travel information I need (not sarcasm).

Middlemarch - George Eliot

It took me like 5 months to read this monster and I enjoyed every minute of it. Eliot is so fucking good at characterisation. Absolute masterpiece of a book. Only thing that kept it from being 5 stars was, well, see; five months.

Doppelganger: a Trip into the Mirror World - Naomi Klein.

As surreal as it is fascinating.

Giovanni’s Room - James Baldwin

A reread. Still absolutely devastating. Still has some of the sharpest lines I’ve ever read.

Ultra-Processed People - Chris Van Tulleken

Should have changed my eating habits. Did not change my eating habits.

Strong Female Character - Fern Brady

Not much of a memoir gal, but this was an exception.

Gentle Writing Advice - Chuck Wendig

My favourite book of writing advice from a horror author. Genuinely a lot of shit that I needed to hear.

Speaking of advice, I read a whack ton of self-help adjacent books for various reasons this year, and these are a few standouts:

How to Keep House While Drowning, The Perfectionist’s Guide to Losing Control, Unmasking Autism: Discovering the New Faces of Neurodiversity, Unbroken: The Trauma Response is Never Wrong.

[blorbologist]

do you think canon Percy is neurodivergent / on the spectrum? I personally hc him as such but what is your opinion on this subject? what are things that stand out to you?

Hi anon!

I do as well! Full disclaimer: I am autistic, my brother is autistic and has ADHD, and our father is probably on the spectrum as well but in vehement denial. However, I got Very Good at masking, to the point I rarely unmask and spend all my energy dealing with Social Bullshit, while my brother is... idk, super charismatic in social settings, somehow, but a nightmare with Tasks and Sensory Hell. So I usually project autism onto characters given my lived experience, but can 100% see how he has ADHD vibes as well! I think neurodivergent rep is very important, and it's great that we can see ourselves in these characters <3

I will repeat this a lot, but Percy has also undergone a fuckton of trauma. A lot of his traits that remind me of myself could be due to PTSD. His panic attacks, for instance, are things I'd slot more with PTSD, personally. You can read his character different ways (I read him as having both), and that's good on you. However, I am autistic and I like projecting My Me onto the blorbo so that's what you get.

A couple of things stand out to me:

The whole Feywild thing reminds me of a special interest. Less so in the campaign, but given how they play it up in TLOVM I really suspect it's the case. Clockmaking also seems like the sort of very specific, detailed work that'd make my brain go brrr if it was my thing, so? Is that anything?

A lot of how he is described (by himself or by Tal) pre-Briarwoods could align with a little introvert noble with no social skills and a whole fuckton of arrogance, but it also aligns nicely with an autistic kid.

Just. how many times Cass has to imply 'percy I can't handle Whitestone alone' before he gets the memo. is insane. it's either 'his autistic ass isn't getting what she's trying to say' or 'percy stop being a dick and help your sister out you KNOW what she's asking'. either way works for me! But I'd like to hope he's not intentionally shoving responsibility on his little sister and use that as an excuse.

We don't know if he had issues being touched prior to being tortured ("We didn't touch in my family"), and the trauma of what Ripley did to him could 110% account for that! But I like to slot it away into my 'on the spectrum' vibes box.

Layers. Layers. Layers! Again, another potential covariate with the fact he's a poncy noble, and has a vested interest in hiding his scars, but I am Particular about what touches my skin at a given time. I like long sleeves and pants and gloves because then it's always the same sensory things on me and not changing.

Just how slow he is to court Vex. Because maybe he's reading the social cues wrong, and he has to be Obvious about his interest too, and becomes a fancy bird giving gifts because that's the best way he can think of supporting her and expressing interest while figuring out whatever the fuck this Attraction thing is.

Perhaps just a Tal thing (I see it with Ashton too, or I did when going over the Laudna n Ashton convo with a fine toothed comb the other day), but how much he fidgets when talking. Constantly moving.

His entire friendship with Keyleth is very autism vibes. Could purely be coming form her, or shared, who knows! (I am a huge supporter of autistic Keyleth, here n there I'll sneak in a line about her stimming <3)

Might just be a Me thing, but how he turns to Vex when he's feeling big emotions and doesn't trust himself to handle them. What the fuck are these, I think this impulse to lash out at Scanlan is probably bad, dear please keep me from doing anything stupid.

Also it's very funny for me to do the 'me and the bad bitch I pulled being autistic' meme with him and Vex ngkntrjnhrt

[uefb]

RAMBLING and UNNECESSARILY LONG (and, also, simply unnecessary) AUTHOR’S NOTE for THE MOST VICIOUS CREATURES ON THE PLANET 

Literally you do not need to read this. Seriously. You don’t. Just read the story. This is just the kind of person I am and I would say ‘Why am I like this?’ but I absolutely know. Anyway, read on to boredom at your own risk.

Again, story is here.

Authors note:

You may notice in my writing about Newt’s childhood, I do write him with more visibly autistic behaviors than he displays in adulthood. This is intentional, and based partially on the portrayal of Young!Newt in Crimes of Grindelwald. Many autistic people who professionals or researchers call “high functioning” or “low support needs” or autistic people without other co-occurring intellectual disabilities develop skills as they mature to not only blend in but to promote their own physical safety (though masking and suppression of autistic traits is increasingly associated with less desired mental health outcomes). You can learn about some of the ways autistic people try to do this here. (I also recommend Unmasking Autism by Dr. Devon Price, an autistic social psychologist.)  All that being said, I try not to infantalise Newt in my writing, or write him as adorably and helplessly oblivious, even if he often is — I think its important (and humanizing!) for him to be just as capable of making mistakes as everyone else.

Next, I utterly failed to pick up on any Newt and Leta romantic tension while watching the films and maybe that’s the autism in me, but I write them as extremely close friends at the least, and queer platonic at the most. (I have heard from some non-autistic people that they didn’t think it was romantic either.) The tidbits we see reminded me of one of my own friendships in university/undergraduate school, which was utterly devoted (probably queer platonic) if entirely non-sexual and non-romantic and, yes, sometimes a…smidge unhealthy. There’s hints of some of her “taking” behaviour in this story, but not much — because I do think she and Newt had a good relationship before things went south. Newt can only see her behaviours, not what’s in her head. The decision to show Newt & Leta as close friends is a personal choice for the purposes of this fic especially—you are welcome to feel about Leta and their relationship however you would like. 

Necessary disclaimers: 1.) All autistic people are different. 2.) Keep in mind Newt may be a bit of an unreliable narrator. What he describes is accurate, but his view is limited—he’s only 13, after all.

Truly more excessive rambling below the cut...

I’ve included some of my own experiences in this fic. For example, even as an undiagnosed child, I could not often speak to people outside my family in completely unstructured situations and would flounder into silence after hello. My mother specifically instructed me over the years—from about age 8 to 14—on how to maintain the flow of conversation, to tolerate small talk, to listen and reflect, how to end a conversation appropriately, etc. I was literally paid with quarters to approach people I knew from school when in public to learn how to be polite and say hello and have a back-and-forth conversation about things that weren’t Harry Potter, peat bog mummies, or Bilbo Baggins. When I became involved in special interests that required me to actually talk to people or that inspired me to speak up unprompted (civil and human rights, for example, as an adolescent), I was actually able to better practice and develop arguably more casual conversational skills. You’ll see that a bit with Newt, as well, particularly in Chapter Two, in the way Theseus instructs him, and in how it is implied Newt’s able to talk to Leta with relative ease, because she has enough knowledge of creatures for him to anchor everything back to that in their conversations. 

You’ll also notice there’s an implication throughout that Newt, perhaps, does not always think about other people’s intentions toward him or others, an unfortunate naivete that tends to put autistic people repeatedly at risk do to less of an instinct for social-based guessing (or ‘mindreading’, as…some researchers like to call it). (Though as one gains more data over life, one can better predict and avoid physical and emotional harm.) Finally, two last things: While Newt does explicitly, physically stim in the Fantastic Beasts films (picking at buttons and fingers, fingers on seams, occasional rocking), some autistic adults have more “obvious” stims in childhood. My own jumping turned into rocking, flapping into finger & button picking, table-drumming into knuckle-cracking, etc. And on meltdowns: For some autistic people, meltdowns are more common in childhood than adulthood, with shutdowns becoming more predominant in autistic adults or, in a best case scenario, both being reduced due to the autistic adult’s ability to recognize stress ahead of time and diffuse it before a dramatic, regulating “reset” is necessary. (Though for people who have meltdowns, they don’t tend to just ‘go away’. It’s not something you developmentally grow out of.) This is the sort of progression I write for Newt in this universe, which is why—again—you’ll notice more autistic traits in this piece than in a lot of my others. 

There’s also a few passing bits of musing on gender in here because emerging research suggests that autistic people are more likely than non-autistic people to identify as trans or non-binary (perhaps, because, the ability to understand social roles is not innate to us, and many of us thus question the systems we’re born into). Honestly, I’ve most specifically included it out of spite—as an autistic, genderqueer person—because JKR made another truly confounding post late last year implying that trans concepts are somehow corrupting poor, innocent, impressionable autistic children. (And she’s said other things that imply that autistic kids are just confused about their gender identities because they’re…. autistic?) Anyway, as an autistic adult who has identified as trans and/or non-binary for over 13 years now and who spent significant portions of childhood just staring at groups of boys and girls and trying to figure out the why and the how, I’ve written said apathetic confusion into childhood Newt, because I can. [And I’ve been recently accused multiple times of not being a “trans ally” and being a "dangerous" person because I’ve bought two (2) tickets and two (2) DVDs since 2018 and, apparently, writing FB fanfic also inherently makes me a TERF and antisemite who hates themself for being autistic. (Some people have never heard of nuance.) The fact that I’m technically under the trans umbrella and have spent significant portions of my life doing actual concrete policy work within institutions, communities, and my employment around trans and queerness is just — well. The accusations just hurt. So I did the very autistic thing of processing that via a special interest, even if it seems like a throwaway paragraph to everyone else.]

Anyway, I’ll probably make a separate author’s note for Chapter 3, as I’m still writing that one at this point. Also, I’ve had a lot going on recently so there may be a gap between posting chapters 2 and 3 because i’m trying not to fail out of my PhD program lmao.

Thanks and I hope you enjoy. 

If you read to the end of this, I’m sorry. And also — wow, proud of you. Treat yourself.

[tales-from-nocturnaliss]

As someone who used to unwittingly mask due to growing up not knowing she has autism and being forced to function in normal society to the point that she completely broke her health at age 39, I say:

Beware masking.

I've become unable to mask. It causes me literal pain - a pain I can't begin to get understood to anyone who's never been in my shoes. So, I choose not to and to just go with truth because truth doesn't hurt. And I cannot stress enough the pain element in my experience. In fact, anxiety and stress are pain.

And comparing my now to my back then, I see how I used to internalize all that pain with that unwitting masking. My self-worth was extremely low, so I went through life thinking the issues were with me only (which is a 'yes and no' situation), and that they were only mine to bear, to deal with, and that they made me worth less than everyone else because I, in fact, couldn't function as well as others.

The funny thing is: since my health broke due to my not being helped when I begged specifically the unemployment office to help me, I grew angry. I grew immensely angry. This chain of events led to more issues, but the bottom line is: I realized that I'd forced myself to be there for everyone, and then, when at long last I cried out for help... no one deigned reach out. Worse: I was basically told to keep functioning anyway. This stopped when, one day, I woke up unable to move or talk.

That is where masking got me. A complete shutdown. I didn't even understand what was going on that day, only that, as hard as I knew I HAD to get up because work... I literally couldn't. My body was unresponsive. I've never sobbed and wailed in my life as much as I did that morning. It's engraved in my mind and my body and it is a vivid, daily reminder that I cannot ever again do or be what society demands. Literally can't. I also can't internalize my pain anymore, so if I enter meltdown territory? The world will know. And that's fine. It has to be fine. Internalizing stopped working - like if a safety in my brain short-circuited and we never found a similar fuse to replace it with.

All this to say: masking may well be a need for some of us. It was for me, until I became literally unable to mask. I've read enough posts on Tumblr to get the sense it wouldn't be safe for some to unmask publicly, or it may threaten their jobs that they need to survive in the world, etc etc I get it.

At the same time, I cannot advocate enough to unmask - even if only partially, to trusted people, irl or online. Guard your health. It is the most precious thing you'll have in your life, and once it's gone, it's gone. I feel I'm still in the same burnout that started back in 2019, and I can't see it ever going away. I truly wish I'd known about my autism before my mrain safeties blew up.

So in that sense, I do agree that masking is bad for ourselves. It was for me. Since no longer doing so, I have felt so much better. The only upside to my health issues as they arose is that my self-worth has exploded. As in: oh yeah, I love myself a whole lot, flaws and all, and I'm allowed to because it took me several decades to get here. That self-worth, in turn, makes the unmasking easier as I feel confident in myself and in deserving to be treated well. At the same time, this holds off some social anxieties and stresses, which allow me to contradict people but also explain my point calmly and clearly, be it with broken words because speaking remains an effort (but then, I'm trilingual, this has a lot to do with it).

All this to say I agree with you kidron, that masking is wrong for ourselves. I was reading a post earlier about how it is wrong for other autistics as well. Because masking is a privilege that not all of us have, and masking enforces neurotypical supremacy - as in, that the only way of being is being, essentially, 'normal'. As someone who used to appear normal-functioning but no longer can do it, I see both sides of the coin, and how damaging it is in the long term. Both for those doing the masking, and those set aside because they *can't* mask.

Sorry that was long. Lots of thoughts. I'm still very much learning to navigate the discovery I'm autistic (got diagnosed January 2023), and everything that entails. Interestingly enough, I feel like I'm treated better by my society (Belgium, specifically) now that there's a label to explain all my issues with. Which, in turn, makes my inability to mask anymore even less of an issue.

Ahhh since venting is allowed i have been wondering this for few months

Why do adults autistics ALWAYS ( maybe not always, most of the time ) shame people who don't up ?

For example those who have scientific interests, who are really good at math and loves it, who are not afraid of speaking of what the belive in even if it means that they may loose people around them, those who are won't go crazy mad if they got called childish ( come on, who decided that being childish is even an insult ? ) ...etc

And i can put it in other words : people who won't hide who they really are just to take apart of the society who never thought of them as real people and have "friends" just not to be lonely

Listen, i understand that they do it because of the harsh struggles they go through, and so does all autistics.

But what i'm trying to say is, why must they shame people who don't want to mask ? Like yeah, i knew i was going to get hated for the things i said when my teacher asked and i didn't hestate to say what i thought of honestly, i'm not an idiot, i'm aware of what will that cause me

i just prefer being honest to myself because the hell everyone see me as dump for not understanding their cummon sense, everyone including those who were supposed to understand how each of us feels shamed me for "sterotyping autistics".

Why should I mask myself up just to please them while the only person who loved and tried to do their best to get me to be better, aka me, will be thrown away behind that fake mask ?

Thank you for coming to my Ted talk ( autism memes aside, seriousily guys, stop this)

hi 👋🏼

i understand what you’re saying and it can be incredibly frustrating especially when you’re being put down by your own community

i have come across some autistics who judge other autistics based on whether or not they choose to mask

i think whenever they have a negative attitude towards non-masking, it’s mainly just internalized ableism (manifesting in shame) that they’re projecting onto other autistic people

i have also had some problems with “reinforcing stereotypes” about autistic people while non-masking before. whether that be from me hand-flapping, wearing headphones, having trouble verbally communicating, or something else

considering the generalizations, and thus stereotypes, that have arose from these decently common autistic behaviors, it can sometimes make me want to mask these behaviors to prove some type of mislead point that “we don’t all act that way!”

this mindset took a while for me to dismantle as i had to come to terms with the fact that showcasing my autistic traits isn’t a bad thing, and being “stereotypical” isn’t either

however, i do think that there are many factors that can contribute to people who mask—especially when they feel as if they have no other choice—but i do also think that people shouldn’t project the negative feelings they might have towards people who don’t mask, and vice versa

overall, it’s a complicated topic with many causes and many reasons, but it’s important to support our fellow autistics into doing whatever is best for them (whether that be masking or not masking) rather than shame one-another (edit: not saying you’re shaming anyone, i’m talking about in general with the autistic community)

[tenthgrove]

hi! could i request some platonic la squadra with a team member who's autistic and mainly stims by repeating short phrases (echolalia but idk how to phrase it) and has/had a hard time unmasking around them? feel free to take as many liberties as you need to, your writing is so fun to read! <33

La Squadra Says Autism Rights

La Squadra x Reader (GN), Platonic, SFW

(A/N: I just wanted to say a particular thank you to this requester because I've been itching to write autistic reader headcanons for months and this finally gave me the right prompt to do it. I definitely want to write more in the future.)

Formaggio- He might be neurotypical, but autism runs in his family (and his social circle as an adult) so he's learned a fair bit how best to interact with you people. He knows his loudness and teasing can be an issue for autistic people with sensory issues or trouble with sarcasm, so he'll drop it around you if that's the case. As far as he's concerned your vocal stim is a non-issue because 'some people just do that, it doesn't hurt anyone' and he doesn't comment on it unless you're using it to show happiness, in which case he always acts chuffed. He behaves sympathetically to your troubles with masking, and makes a point of acting laid-back so it's easy for you to turn down the pressure on yourself. To Formaggio, not being able to be yourself would be one of the worst fates imaginable, so he wants to do what he can to make it easier for you to let loose.

Illuso- You might expect Illuso's understanding to be low, but at this point with so much of the team being neurodivergent themselves Illuso doesn't bat an eyelid. Repeating short phrases is certainly a new one, but nothing he can't put up with. Sometimes, he might ask you what your murmurings mean, but he doesn't mean it in a judgy way. Now, as for your masking, you would be surprised how much he can relate. Illuso's self esteem is secretly down the gutter, and he often feels like the confident persona he puts on is secretly an act. When you tell him you feel like you're putting a show every day of your life, he feels you. The two of you have a lot of heartfelt conversations when you're alone, confessing how you really feel about yourselves away from the act you're performing. It's not something Illuso does often, be this honest even with a friend. But he can't help but find that it's... therapeutic.

Prosciutto- Like with anything a friend of his may be insecure about, Prosciutto very much looks at autism through the lens of identifying positives. This by no means says that he ignores your difficulties or tries to creative positives that aren't there, only that he takes note of your strengths no matter how much you try to deny them and makes sure you remember you have them. He doesn't try to 'fix' your echolalia because he knows it's better to work with an autistic person's traits than erase them, but he does teach you mental diversion techniques to help you tone the stim down when you need to (e.g. when you're trying to be stealthy). Regarding your masking, he can somewhat admire it as a useful skill to have- it's possible you could turn it into the skills of an excellent actor while under cover, but he also appreciates the impact this must be having on your self-esteem to have to hide yourself 24/7, so he wants to help you learn to cut it down. This, of course, is done through plenty of praise and reminding of your strengths. You are a wonderful addition to the team, even without your mask, and he won't let you think any less.

Pesci- When Pesci gets stressed it affects him a lot too. Sometimes he does things like fiddle with random items in his hands until they break or bounce his leg so hard the table shakes, which always get him strange looks. He appreciates the rationale of your stimming and would never judge you for it. If you're in a situation where you absolutely need to stop stimming, for instance if a team is visiting who isn't on good terms with La Squadra, he is a good bet for subtly and respectfully helping you be aware of when you're starting to do it so you can quickly stop. Just a gentle nudge to your arm when you start to whisper is all it takes. He also has a lot of empathy for the fact you has to mask, since he imagines it to be like a more extreme version of how he had to invent this whole 'tough guy' personality after he got involved in the gang. He found that really hard too, so he can imagine what it must be life to do that sort of thing your whole life. At least with him, you feel less of a pressure to put on an act.

Melone- There's a certain intellectual curiosity in Melone towards the various neurodivergent conditions, compounded by a strong personal empathy now he has so many friends who have them. He is saddened by the failure of the common consensus to understand such individuals, and wants to do what he can to help them appreciate their full, unique potentials. Melone is quick to recognise your behaviour as stimming, and hence understands that the stress of being called out on it would only make it worse. He is sympathetic to your plight with masking, and has a few ideas you could try if you want to start reducing it in safe circumstances. He has heard that one barrier to unmasking can be trouble identifying the 'true self' you have to go back to, so to remedy this he asks non-critical questions that help you explore your real, unmasked personality and be comfortable in it. Whenever you go off-script and talk to him as your true-self, he praises you for it and assures you that you are just as wonderful a person to him like this.

Ghiaccio- We arrive at the first member on the list who (in my headcanon) is autistic himself. Although the mangling of verbal speech is typically annoying to him, Ghiaccio would never become angry at someone who did it because of their neurodivergence. After all, if he didn't respect the effects of your autism, what reason do you have to return the favour? Ghiaccio makes a point of not hurrying you along when you start to repeat yourself as a stimming technique, and it goes a long way with helping you be calm around him. The masking however, is a different matter. He's not going to be angry at you per say, since he knows from experience the pressure you must be facing to put on an act this way, but he very much prefers it when people are their authentic selves around him. After all, he has enough issues knowing their true intentions as it is. He won't get angry, but he will gently encourage you to open up about him, even if it's something as little as stating what you really want point-blank when you're nervous too. He is very understanding about how hard this is, however.

Risotto- Another autistic individual himself, Risotto is also perfectly empathetic to your behaviour. As an adult, he doesn't really stim, rather just faze out entirely, but at the end of the day that still gets him a lot of strange looks so he can appreciate the range of feelings you may have about your own stim. What's really great about Risotto is that he learns pretty quickly how to differentiate between your happy-stims and your stress-stims, to an extent nobody else on the team is able to. He always seems very content to see you happy-stim, warmed by the knowledge that you are feeling good right now. As for your stress-stims, he is quick to help you escape from the situation if at all possible, and hold your hand comfortingly if not. And the whole masking thing? He understands painfully well. Risotto's masking game on-point, but it irks him greatly to keep it up, not to mention that he hates the paralysing anxiety that hits him whenever he tries to unmask. Even when he wants to, he can't always be himself in front of the team. He may not have a solution for you, but he at least has his full empathy.

Sorbet and Gelato- While Sorbet is, as far as he's aware, neurotypical, Gelato is very much autistic as well. He's also got ADHD to boot, so he's well versed in the neurodivergent experience. His stim is quite similar to yours, in that he makes quiet, high-pitched, almost chirp-like noises, so he sees your echolalia as something he has in common with you. Gelato doesn't really bother with masking any more, the only exception being people who could quite literally kill him if he offended them. Though he encourages you to let go and be yourself, consequences be damned, he of course completely understands the pressure to keep masking. Sorbet, despite being neurotypical, is at this point more surrounded by autistics than not. He's been married to Gelato for the best part of the decade, his closest friend is Risotto, and he's practically Ghiaccio's dad at this point. Adding one more neurodivergent to the mix is hardly a big step, and he is very well-versed in your behaviours and how to interact with them.